ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 22nd December 2023

Episode Date: December 21, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and somehow they're still on their previous beverage! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to our Christmas Cocktail Specials. We're still going on our last cocktail, so we're just going to keep going. I don't think we're ready for a new cocktail to add to that. What are we doing next? We need to be pre-planning. This is the slowest I've drank this one. It's fizzy. It's nice, but there's like...

It's a bit too sweet for you. Yeah, I think so. I think it's the sweetness. I'm not a huge raspberry guy. Have you got Tabasco? The green Tabasco, the pussy Tabasco. Oh no, green Tabasco is good Tabasco. I could make a spicy gin soda black pepper Tabasco.

Have you got a cucumber? No. I make a really good like tomato-less Bloody Mary. I was going to say, it sounds like a Bloody Mary, but I don't like tomatoes. Oh, I love tomatoes, but not in my drink. No, that's what I mean. No tomatoes. I've got a espresso martini.

Oh, sure. The police are here. The police are here. Something big is going on down there. I have been texted to be reminded I've got dinner plans tonight. Did you just get texted and reminded? We've got plenty of time. Okay, well, let's get into our eChristmas cards that you've kindly sent in your lovely messages.

I'll start. I'll start with Julia Thompson. Thompson with a P. Oh, okay. A family assist from Ohio, USA. Hello. Hello, Julia. She would have dealt out quite a bit of, what's that stuff in America?

They're all bloody popping like crazy. Opioids. Opioids. Osempic. No, isn't that an injection? Osempic is an injection, the weight loss thing. Is that over the counter? No, no, it's prescription.

Would you? Do you know, I've thought about it. It would be easy. I've listened to a couple of podcasts on Osempic and how the moment you come over, the only thing it's doing is suppressing your appetite and making you eat like 500 calories a day. The moment you eat anything above that

because you reset your metabolism, it's bullshit. Don't do fad diets. That's why I want- You're beautiful the way you are. I just need to stop my appetite telling me I need to eat. No, no, no, but Han, you have to be on it for the rest of your life because the moment you came off Ozempic, you go back to being hungry again,

you eat and your body puts on weight. Don't do it. But that's okay because I'll go way past my goal weight. No, that's not how it works. Trust me. I've actually got some shakes you can buy if you want. Oh, my God. Because you guys were getting excessive advertising.

I've actually got some man shakes. For man shakes? The man shakes. Are you getting excessive advertising for man shakes? No, but shakes are like the age-old pyramid kind of. Yeah, I know. And then everyone's like, I couldn't keep the weight off. Oh, yeah, no, no, totally.

But I thought that's what everybody knew by now. But then I'm getting this excessive advertising for something called man shakes. And it's like Steve lost 5 kgs and Tony lost 25. And it's just these really budget ads that look like someone made it in an iMovie. It's all bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Because you just sit behind it when it comes off. I could talk about this for hours, but I shan't.

Now, Julia, who was a pharmacist from Ohio, USA. This is the eating season. Eat a fucking lamb. Yeah, eat, eat. Here's to 2023 being nearly over. May 2024, suck less. Oh, no, she's had a bad year. Oh, my God.

She's in America and she's working for a pharmacy. Yeah, that's for sure. In Ohio, which is a Trump state. Julia's highlight was graduating with my PharmD doctorate a pharmacy. Yeah, that's for sure. So like you would imagine, you know, fire, which is a Trump. Julius Highlight was graduating with my PharmD doctorate of pharmacy. Do you reckon they have the chemist's warehouse over there? Because fuck, I love that place. They'll have the equivalents, right, of cheap chemists. Oh, my God, like CVS.

Yeah. Oh, dude, CVS. What's the other one, CVS? Walgreens. Yeah. It's like pharmacy meets supermarket and they've got

two litre bottles of vodka. You'd fucking love it. Four and a half litre Jamesons. Vornie, you're wearing a Walmart t-shirt. Yeah.

It's a Dolly. Dolly Parton t-shirt. Good boy. Because I've never been to Walmart. The last time I went to America and spent actual time there.

Walmart smarts. I was a teenager. I didn't go. I wasn't into it. We just went to a couple of small Walmarts. So we didn't even go to like a Walmart, not a mega centre. It's another world. It's crazy. But those CVS's and those Walgreens are crazy too. Yeah, they're great though.

Little convenience stores to go to. We went into one and a lady said, you're New Zealanders aren't you? Which we were just like, whoa, she's picked it. How'd you know? She knew because she was from the West Indies and she loved cricket. Oh, right. So West Indies were all over.

Are they still a cricket powerhouse? No, not really. No, your Brian Lara days are over. Pretty shithouse. Right. But she used to love watching cricket and so she was familiar with all of our accents. I don't even think they're in the World Cup. How did we suddenly

start talking about cricket? Did you girls see this coming? What is happening here? Do you know what I mean? We were just having a nice time and suddenly cricket's happening. I love cricket. We love cricket.

I only like cricket. That's me. I'm watching. I went to look up something about the Cricket World Cup to see if they were in it but it opened in the app.

I'll read the next one then as well. Sally Benzie Lucy Attitude no I'm not I don't have an attitude I don't have an attitude it was an attitude

I don't have an attitude I don't have an attitude Sally Benzie from Massey Auckland said Merry Christmas Fletch

and Vaughan and Hayley last nothing for the producers um wow suck it Massey from Auckland congratulations yeah thanks for making my commute to work And Hayley. Last. Nothing for the producers. Oh, wow. Suck it.

Massey from Auckland. Congratulations. Yeah. Thanks for making my commute to work, which is quite a long commute. Isn't that where Carwin's moved to? Massey? It's closer to us. No.

Don't you screw your face up. She screwed her face up. You're in Ranoi. Oh, that's worse. That's worse. You're almost neighbours with Mike. Mike's in Calston. Calston. Yeah.

Mike's more central. I get so scared when I visit Mike. Oh, in Calston. Calston. Yeah. Mike's more central. We're all quite close, I get so scared when I visit Mike. Oh my God, shut up, their place is lovely. Truly,

I don't know where I am when I'm there. I don't know where I am. It's got nothing to do with the bloody April Spritz. Where are you compared to the

giant cemetery? What giant cemetery? You know the one up the hill? Oh. Ages. Oh, a few moments.

There's that giant cemetery out there. Lovely home, though. Beautiful cemetery. That's where I'll be buried. In that cemetery? No, I'm going to be cremated. Where are you going to go when you die? I'm going to be a cremation.

Wow. Because I would like you guys to scatter me somewhere, but you get to choose. Go. Oh, go. Kelly Taldens. Let's snort him. Yeah, let's snort a little bit.

Yes! Let's change! Let's snort F. Yeah, let's snort a little bit. Yes! Let's- James! Let's snort Fletch and go into a K-hole for two weeks. Come out of the K-hole and we will have our answer. It's what he would have wanted to do. No, it's an F-hole. It's a Fletch hole. It's a Fletch hole.

Yeah, thank you. Where are you going, Vaughn? When you die? I cremate it as well and then I'll just leave it up to my children. You're going to do the burial, eh? Yeah, a Maori. Because you have a family, a whanau plot. A whanau plot. So the Maldis don't do cremations as well, and then I'll just leave it up to my children. You're going to do the burial, eh? Because you have a whanau plot. So the Māori don't do cremations traditionally?

They do now, but traditionally you don't get cremated. It's a bit tapu. You also don't get embalmed. But my nana did because, you know, as it's modernised. How many days does traditionally the Māori body sit in the house? I don't know. I've only ever done one day. Overnight.

You sleep a night. So two days. You probably needed a bit of a mama. Yeah, so my nana. Or a glade plug-in, you know. Yeah, a glade plug-in. A bit of Febreze. Or at least...

Kilda, come on, kids. Come on, Kilda. Let's get Nana a Febreze. She's rossing. Quickly, come in. Come in, say hello. Or put a fan and an aqua candle oh yeah

I'm going to the Mariah not cremated because I hate flames I'm going to get buried whole body but I don't want to be like everyone's modernising it

so I don't want to be in a coffin biff me in the hole just like a blanket or something yeah put me in a cardboard box or something

I know thousands and thousands of dollars I pre-booked my plot. Nice. I know and I'm 34. Who are your neighbours? My mum. Fucking John Macbeth over here.

I know. It's so organised. I know. With a prepaid general plan. Well dad's getting cremated because he's not Maori and he's going to get thrown off of Mount Edgecombe

in Tauranga. That's a good walk you'd like that Bay of Plenty yeah he could save a bit and go in with your mum that's all we do

with my grandparents I know but he doesn't want to be at the Marae why would he want to be at the Marae it's got nothing to do with him is his wife a racist I know

she's not racist wait is your dad a racist maybe he is. Right? Oh my god, I don't know. Does he tell you to keep out of the sun? He does. He tells all my kids

to darken up too much. Oh my god. Shado's dad will tell Shado to watch the sun. You don't want to get too dark. I know, because he's Thai, right? And in Thailand... When you're darker... It means you're a peasant and you're being in the fields. When I go to Thailand, because it's usually our winter,

and in winter I'm ghostly white. They're always fascinated. They're like, your skin's amazing. I'm always like, your skin? You're a supermodel. I know. You're a supermodel. Yeah.

Sade's grandmother was like porcelain. Yes. Like porcelain with Asian features. Yeah. But porcelain. And she did not like getting a tan. Hatsain. Yes. Like porcelain with Asian features. Yeah. But porcelain. And she did not like getting a tan. Hats everywhere. Yeah.

She told Sade she looked poor apparently. Because she's got a tan. As a child. She'd be working the rice fields. Yeah, she was skinny and brown, so she must have been working it in the sun. You haven't been fed and you've been working outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know the only thing you have to do, what my whole family does is honour the tradition of bringing them to the house, open casket, spend the night. And I slept next to my grandmother but she was up on some like trestles, like almost like this table. But you were going to say she was up on one of those white

chairs. No, no, no. She was in the coffin on trestles and me and my cousin. Jesus, what's going on outside? There's a lot of crime in the inner city. The police always go past here. I know. Sorry, God. Anyway, my grandma's dead.

Thank you. I don't think a delay to indicate the police are going to bring her back. So she's there in an open coffin and you have to sleep the night, but you can never leave the body alone. So I, me and my cousin had to do the sleep where we slept next to her. And I remember the whole time thinking I'm a bit of a thrasher when I sleep.

I'm going to go, boof, knock the trestle legs and nanny is going to come tumbling down. Didn't happen, but thank God. Did you look?

Yeah. First dead body I've seen. Yeah, I didn't see any of my grandparents have passed. I saw my great dad. Yeah, it's weird. Do you know the first thing I noticed was me, my mum,

my cousin Christy and her mum, my auntie, we all looked very sad, like crying, and then went, I haven't done a good job with her makeup. So I got out my kit, my makeup kit. Your makeup kit? My makeup kit. Oh my God. And we redid it. Because she didn't look, she was quite had just returned from India. My makeup kit. Oh, my God. And we redid it.

Because she didn't look. She was quite a glam lady. Yeah. And they'd done it too much. And they glued her mouth shut. They glued her mouth shut? Honestly, I hate to say it. Like, she was doing it like that.

Like, kind of down. Yeah. The whole, yeah. I don't like, yeah. Wow. It's very confronting. But you can't, if you're Maori, you can't get away with it. That's how it is.

And when you were doing it, I were you like can I just get you to look up for a minute yeah and over here did you wings following me down here I did a cat eye yeah good

full sort of gaga inspired good good we changed her clothes too yeah she was like doubting

yeah she was a big she loved going out yeah so we doled her up a little bit good I don't know how

we got here about that but fascinating it's a bit morbid isn't it yeah have you seen a dead body born She was a big, she loved going out. Yeah. We doled her up a little bit. Good. Wow. I don't know how we got here about that. It's a bit morbid, isn't it? Yeah. Have you seen a dead body? Fawn? So when I was a kid, we were out with my Uncle Roger. He drives trucks.

Now, is this the one that, no, that's Uncle Murray. Uncle Murray did the fireworks. Fireworks imported. Because, you know, I love. Now, which is the auntie that does the. That's Auntie Eve. She's married to Uncle Murray. Yeah, they're my favourite uncle and auntie of yours. Well, he's also my godfather.

Yeah, I don't- So if my parents die, I have to go live with them. Even as a 41-year-old. You're in your 40s. You're all good. No, but you can stay in your home with your wife and kids. If my parents die, I'm going to be an old man because they live a healthy life.

They're going to live probably longer than me. But I'm going to turn into my uncles on a suitcase and be like, what room am I sitting in? Hey, Vaughn. Hey, Vaughn, how can we help you? Where's my room? I'm not calling you dead. I'm a real dad.

So we were out with my Uncle Roger. He drives trucks. And we were going to the quarry early in the morning. And on the way over this bridge, we saw that those little wooden, in New Zealand, in rural bridges, they're all concrete. the morning and on the way over this bridge we saw that those little wooden in new zealand and rural bridges that are all concrete i think they're prefabricated and they're plonked on the spot but they only have these single lane yeah they have these wooden barrier arms once you

before the bridge and over the bridge to kind of like fan back out to the roadside with and we drove past and he's like oh heck that that one's out drove to the quarry got a load of like metal or something drove him back past and he's like oh heck the car's still in there so he jumps out there could have been someone alive at that point when we drove past yeah but we couldn't see the car from that from that way because you could have saved a life but you chose wow okay so this is the moment we find out that Vaughn killed someone. So you technically murdered this person? Yes. My negligence as a seven or eight year old

was solely responsible I feel like Uncle Murray would have looked first. Uncle Murray would have looked immediately is all I'm saying. We all jumped out as well because we were like little kids and we weren't going to have a look. He got there just a little bit before us And he's like stop

And go back to the truck Oh my god And the body had been like Thrown from the car on impact And he saw it And he went down And he's like I haven't seen that

And it was cold So it'd be horrible Yeah yeah I've only ever seen like a dolled up Embalmed Happy Presentable Yeah

Dead body Yeah Three times that's it Yeah no I've never I've never saw it No none of my I was offered And I was just like

Oh no No no But my parents I suppose I will Because I'll have to Organise it And stuff But

And I'll just poke my mum In the face and be like Wake up Wake up Fing up the nose Wake up Wake up Wake up

Wake up Sally Benzie Is next Jesus Christ I know Sally Guys that got Picking up the nose. Well, actually, Sally survived and she lived in Massey, so that's actually worth celebrating. Sally's highlight is something I'm vehemently against. Learning how to make Fijoa vodka. Because when I was 16 years old and I went to town, I asked my mum if I could lay the curfew. She said, no, I got the midnight bus. I spewed on it because I had too much Fijoa vodka. 42 per life.

And then I fell asleep on the toilet with my head between my knees and my mum came down. My best friend was like, she's just having a nap. And my mum was like, she's pissed. But Jess was like, no, she's not. No, she's not. And it was., no, she's not. No, she's not. And it was. Patsy knows.

She knows. She knows. Yeah. How old were you when that happened? 16. Right. Yeah. So Andy's got four or five years.

And I was in bed for two days. I was in bed for two days. Wow. With a hangover. My best friend didn't leave the house either. She stayed with us for like three nights or something because she was like, oh. Why? She was hungover too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We a hangover. My best friend didn't leave the house either. She stayed with us for like three nights or something because she was like, oh. Why?

She was hungover too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We couldn't move. It was my first hangover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper hangover. And unfortunately, my mum caught it. Yeah.

Because of Fijo vodka. And that was, when did you smoke weed? 14. 14. Yeah, we used to go to Amy's house and she had- I wouldn't even know where to get weed. Amy's house, her brother house and she had I wouldn't even know where to get weed Amy's house

her brother and she had Cambodian parents who were very strict but we used to go there and they'd go to sleep What? You got a photo of Amy? The moment I say Cambodia

The moment I say Cambodia What is it? Where? Paul and Alan Smith. Oh, yeah. So Amy. Was she? Was she?

Anyway, we used to go to Amy's house and we'd eat rations. Full? Full. And then. Old school rations. The good ones. The good ones. Old school rations.

The big rations. Lots of flavouring. And her brother would give us a little bit of the Maharashtra one. Really? That was when I first did it. And the safety of a home. We'd just hang there and laugh and then go to sleep. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I know. Unbelievable. Don't arrest me. I think teenagers drinking is, the binge drinking is way worse than smoking a little bit of pot and then falling asleep. Oh, yeah. I'm talking about one little thing and then you're like, ee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Fletch's team binge drink.

I'm team binge drink. He's team binge drink. Every now and again. Yeah. I tick all the boxes. Yeah, have a little tick, have a little drink, have a little smoke.

All right. Is it enough from us for this one? Yeah. Are we feeling that's enough for this guy? We've covered a lot here. We have covered a lot.

A lot of death. It went dark indeed. It did go dark this one. We're going to take a break now and Hayley's going to show me a photo of her hot Cambodian friend. Who, by the way,

is married now with kids. Oh, yes. Very happy. And born also married with kids. Yeah, also married with kids. Purely out of curiosity. Yeah, of course. And we'll be back

with more of our Christmas cocktail specials. Ciao, Bella.