ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 23rd December 2023

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat WW3, Invisible Ink, and the Hottest James Bond's!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special. Welcome to our Christmas Cocktail Specials. We're doing quite well actually. We're doing quite well. Do we sound way more sober than when we first started this? What drink is this? Now, lovely James has made us another Espresso Marts. Should we do a toast?

To Lady Di. No, something different. To the troops. To the troops. I mean, we're recording this in October. Maybe we're in World War III by now. Who knows? If World War III breaks out,

I vote we don't put these on. They're too flippant. Yeah, too flippant. Far too flippant. Too World War III. I was actually thinking- Are we in World War III though, as a country? So I was thinking this, like just yesterday,

if there was World War III and they're like, guys, we're involved, everyone under the age- You're in your 40s, you're all good. Too old, too old, dude. You're gonna be too old. You're all good. Too old dude. You're going to be too old. Even though I would argue. Jared you're both way better. Al my back.

Shannon you're off to war. You wanted equality. You got it buddy. You're a drop. Who's a feminist now? But imagine if they were like everyone under 50 you must go to war. 50? We're sending you to Ukraine or to wherever in the Middle East. I'd be like,

fuck no. Can I go with my friends? Yeah, exactly. If I was with the boys, I reckon we could make the best out of a bad situation. Yeah, yeah, same. Can I take my fiance?

Can I take my friends? Yeah. I'd be like, scared shitless. Can I take my Satisfyer Pro 2? Yeah. I'll be alright. You can't wank in the trenches.

It's a weapon. No, but you can't. You don't understand. You're in the trench and you're like... I've never thought about masturbation in World War I. They would have done it, right? No. Are you telling me they went off to war for that long and didn't have a wank?

They would have been... Yeah, okay, Google, Google. Do you reckon they would have had sex with each other? They weren't just in a trench forever. They were in a trench on a... Occasion. They were put in shifts. Yeah.

But the shifts were like weeks long or whatever. But you know in prison- I reckon I could have found some action. Prisoners go to prison and they're not gay. And then they're in prison knowing they can't come out. There's no women there. Yeah, you kind of have to. And then they shag men.

You adapt. Do you think like war times, you were like, I don't know when I'm going to go home. You'd adapt. Chuck it in. Chuck it in. Yeah. I don't know when I'm going to go home you'd adapt chuck it in kind of thing yeah I don't know

masturbating in World War 1 no World War 2 I reckon soldiers are given something to stop them masturbating stop drinking cornflakes

how does that stop you masturbating that's why cornflakes were invented allegedly what to stop masturbatorium because you've got

cornflakes in your hand you don't want to touch yourself because you're too rough. Potassium bromide is a salt widely used as an anti-convulsant and sedative in the late 19th and early 20th centuries that over-the-counter are used extending from 75 in the US. Potassium bromide is used as a veterinary drug

as an anti-epileptic medication for dogs. Huh. Those are humpers. Those dogs are humpers. That got me. The legend carries on to the present where rumours circulate amongst new service members that military food is laced with saltpeter,

potassium nitrate, to achieve the same results, to stop them being so horny. Long story short, it is an unlikely false rumour perpetuated by the fact that when young men are in a high-intensity environment, their libido may even drop or cease to exist.

It's a rumor that has endured over a century. And I imagine. I mean, stress, right? Yeah. Like that adrenaline pumping. I've got to survive flight or fight testosterone.

Yeah. The last thing you're doing is having a wank. No. Adrenaline and testosterone gets you going. You're like, wow, I'm invincible. That would be a fascinating, like, I mean, you can never ask you going. You're like, wow, I'm invincible. That would be a fascinating, like, I mean, you could never ask an old man.

I mean, they're all nearly dead right now. Yeah, I know. World War I gone. Yeah, but World War II, could you ask an old, like a World War II guy at the RSA? World War II would have been a little bit different. Do you guys have a wank in the huts and stuff, in the trenches? You wouldn't, would you? World War I's revolting secret weapon was semen.

I would find a lover. I would take a lover in war. They used it as invisible ink. Semen! Semen! Semen as invisible ink. What made it visible? No, it was good because the iodine vapours

that the Germans used to detect invisible ink didn't pick up the jizz. The semen, the jizz. But how would the person reading it read the jizz? That's how we beat the Germans. How do you jizz in a letter like

no you look at it and you're like it tastes like an A or you do it afterwards no you would jizz into I imagine a cup I thought you were

jizzing straight onto the paper no you jizz no you jizz and then dip and then cheese dip welcome to the podcast yeah welcome to our

Christmas podcast Snoopy's Christmas is playing the classic you know Christmas sale which is famous nowhere else in the world apart from New Zealand speaking. Snoopy's Christmas is playing the classic Christmas tale, which is famous nowhere else in the world apart from New Zealand. Speaking of Snoopy's Christmas, one of Aaron's favourite songs is the prequel.

Have you heard the prequel? Yes, I have. Many verses, very funny, really great. Yeah, let's clean it up, guys. Let's clean it up. Yeah, apologise to our World War II veterans. Fascinating stuff. Jared's just found some more information.

Jared's fascinating. He's highlighted a paragraph. We thought we had solved the problem, wrote Stagg. Then our man in Copenhagen evidently stocked it in a bottle for his letters stank to high heaven. And we had to tell him that a fresh operation was necessary for each letter. Oh, God, he was writing with old chairs.

Fresh operation was required for every letter. The least you he was writing with old chairs. Fresh operation was required for every letter. The least you owe me is some fresh chairs. Alright boys, we're going to write a letter to the front line. Everybody get wanking.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Also, would that be something you packed, your Satisfyer Pro? How are you going to charge that in the trenches? Nah.

A solar power? Like a battery pack that's a solar power? One of those fold out ones you can get for your phone. Also, I was born with 10 Satisfyer Prize. Do you know what I mean?

The thumb? Worst comes to worst. I don't know about the thumb, actually. The thumb's an angle situation. You do a good Satisfyer Pro sound. Oh. Oh. The... Well, he had to lie there listening to it.

Yeah, yeah. What's that? What are you doing? Lie there. What are you doing? Unable to satisfy his wife, he said to lie there listening to it. I'll leave it to the professional. The professional two.

I'm seriously going to do some research into this. See, this is what I want to see on the history channel. Vietnam was very famously like sleeping with the locals. And World War II was as well. Yeah, which is how they got a lot of- American soldiers had a base in Wellington and a lot of women had American soldiers' babies. Really? What was the STD?

They had a lot from Vietnam? What was the... Chlamydia. Chlamydia. No. Herbs. Not herbs. STI.

Syphilis. Syphilis. Syphilis. Yeah. Which is a little bit more complicated. Right. Venereal disease before service in Vietnam had been acquired by 9.6% of soldiers. In contrast, 27% of those having intercourse in Vietnam or during the war.

In course. In course. I'm here to get me some in course. That would be a fascinating documentary on the History Channel. Sex and war. On the History Channel. Sex and war. I thought that would be fascinating.

Sex and war. Yeah. That would be amazing. American soldier Wellington. Actually, producer Jared, that's what we should call our band, Sex and War That would be fascinating Sex and War Yeah That would be amazing American soldier Wellington Actually producer Jared That's what we should call our band Sex and War Yeah

Yeah That's cool for a metal band Fucking and fighting Fucking and fighting Fucking and fighting First single First single Yeah

First single Fucking and fighting So in World War II Soldiers and civilians Slugged it out on the streets Of Wellington During the banners Of the Battle of Manor Street

Is the best known clash Is that Manor Small Manor Small. Is that Manor's Mall? Manor's Mall. I was at Manor's Mall golf. It is the best known brawl between Americans and New Zealand servicemen during the Second World War. The drunk Allied servicemen fighting each other on a Sunday night was not a good look, and the news of the brawl was hushed up at the time.

One young man said he was a former member of the New Zealand Royal Air Force who was convicted of being drunk and disorderly and fined two pounds. You know why, though? Because these Americans would have come in with their accents looking all hot. Yeah, and they had a force was convicted of being drunk and disorderly and fined two pound you know why though because these Americans would have come in with their accents looking all hot yeah and they had a

they had a snappy uniform as far as allied soldiers Americans had a fucking snappy uniform I will say the only uniform better was the Nazis oh you can't say that

it was designed by Hugo Boss no no no I'm not in support of them but they look sharp wait have we not cancelled Hugo Boss no Hugo Boss is one of the biggest

international brands of all time. All the Dazzler brothers, Rudolph and Addie. They supplied for the Germans. They looked good. We should do a fucking history podcast. I'm drunk, but we should do a history podcast. You know it's a lot of work. I'm not good with history.

I'm more about fashion. I'll do the history research. I'll do the fashion side. So wait, when you say you'll do the research, you'll research masturbation in world wars. I'm fascinated. Okay. All right.

There was quite a few articles. But if you had to look up historically over the sort of modern years, from say 1900 on, who had the best military uniforms. It's always the bad guys. It's the bad guys. It's the bad guys. Sharp. Star Wars.

Oh, the Empire. The Empire was fucking bad. The other guys are in fucking white robes, for God's sake. Yeah, dirty. Sharp. Star Wars. Oh, the Empire. The Empire was fucking bad. The other guys were in fucking white robes, for God's sake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dirty, dirty. I know. Peasant robes. Yeah, dirty.

And the rebels were just chucking it together as they could. Yeah. The Empire. I'm fucking stoked to be talking about Star Wars. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. We're trapped. I know.

I'm sorry. Back to the bad guys. The Nazis. The Russians had tight winter outfits after World War II. The Russians had beautiful uniforms. Yeah. World War I. The Germans were point-hounds.

North Korea. What about all the baddies in James Bond always have great uniforms. Yeah, they're the hottest people. They're the hottest people. I know they are. James Bond's pretty hot. Maybe that's coming. If you had to bang a Bond, which Bond would you bang?

Sean Connery. Sean Connery, you're going to class it. And the younger days class it. Pierce. I'm going Pierce. Pierce. I love Daniel Craig. Love Daniel Craig. Very hot.

Boring. But to me, my introduction to Bond was Pierce. Yeah. Brosnan. That was my first proper Bond introduction. Okay, James. Which Bond are you shagging? Which James Bond are you shagging?

You'd be a Roger. He's a Roger Moore. He's a Roger Moore. He's a Roger Moore. No, he's got big teeth. Do you not know any James Bonds? Mike, you'd be Timothy Dalton or Sean Connery. Can you gaze?

Sorry, I'm so sorry about this. Google actors that are playing James Bond. With pop culture. Why do you have a refrigerator on the back of your phone, James? They know about Lady Gaga. That's the biggest battery back I've ever seen. Where are you going? Up Everest?

He goes, I've Googled hot Where are you going? Up Everest? I've googled hot James Bond. Okay. I was just Daniel Craig. Yeah, Daniel Craig. Give him more time.

He needs to do an early Roger Moore. Roger Moore. Timothy Dolden. Sean Connery. Early Sean Connery. Pierce Brosnan.

Pierce Brosnan. Great. There was a guy that played it for like one movie. Yeah, that's Sean Connery. That's Sean. Sean Connery's good looking Brosnan. Here's Brosnan. Great. He was the guy that played it for like one movie. Yeah, that's Sean Connery. That's Sean. Sean Connery's a good looking dude.

I must ask you a question, but I'm shaving it for later on. Yeah. He's dead now, isn't he? Yeah, he did. He died. Did he? He died. He did, eh?

He became somewhat reclusive. Oh, I didn't know he'd. Nah, nah. David Niven. That's James Bond with a moustache. George Lazenby. He's a good looking dude. Devilishlyenby. He was a good looking dude. Devilishly looking guy.

He was a good looking dude. I think he had a good one or two to do with. The gays are not finding anyone they're tickled by. Roger Moore. Roger Moore. The problem is

no twinks have played James Bond. We need a Timothy Chalamet. We need a Timothy Chalamet to play James Bond and the gays will be on board. Timothy Dalton. Yeah, what about Timothee Dalton?

Timothee Dalton's a good looking dude. Bum chin. Yeah, he could have a big bum chin. Piers Brosnan. Piers Brosnan. Mother fucking Brosnan. He is amazing. And he's still hot.

He's got hotter. Daniel Craig's super hot. Daniel Craig. It's got to be Daniel Craig or... It's Daniel Craig one for me, but it's so obvious that I would go Pierce Brosnan for me. And then Richard Moore. Roger Moore.

Roger Moore. I keep saying Richard. Roger Moore. Roger Moore was quite like the, he was like the campest. Yeah. Bond. You know me,

I'm fluid. Okay. I like it though. I like it. He's still alive. And I still work. Okay. That was lovely.

Good sidebar. What were we talking about? Well, you're doing some Christmas cards, aren't we? I don't know what I did with mine. I got excited and I threw it away. Okay, Melissa Oliver. I didn't start the timer.

Also, we've gone to shit. How long have we been going for? Don't worry about it. We'll put an ad. Let's do one and then we'll end. Should we pause to do an ad just in case? No, no, we're fine. We're not that long.

No, but there's a couple of great ones. Hey, guys, listen. The reason we're keeping it under 20 minutes is so you don't have to sit with an ad halfway through. We're looking after you. we're fine. We're not that long. No, but there's a couple of great ones. Hey, guys, the reason we're keeping it under 20 minutes is so you don't have to sit with an ad halfway through. We're looking after you. You're welcome. You're welcome. Also, no, no.

No, we need two. No, I'll be honest. The reason we're doing that is so we get more episodes and do less work. We're lazy. You're welcome. You're welcome either way. No, we need two.

We need two. The last one's Charlotte. Give me your best Bond, James Bond. Who are you? The name's Bond, James Bond. Who are you? The name's Bond. James Bond. Okay, give me yours. Put your hands up.

Who are you? Me? I'm Bond. James Bond. Yes. That's good. Okay, flitch. Do flitch.

Do flitch. Do flitch. Okay, go. What are you doing in our base? We've got you surrounded. Who do you think you are? Do I make you horny? Which James Bond was that?

Challenge. Challenge. Challenge, baby, yeah. It's me in a nutshell. Help, I'm in a nutshell. Awesome, guys. By the way, worth a rewatch. Baby, yeah. It's me in a nutshell. Help, I'm in a nutshell. Awesome powers. So good. By the way, worth a rewatch.

Is it though? Fucking funny. Problematic? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it's done the full look. I think it's sort of self-understanding of its problems. Okay, let's do one more E Christmas card. Okay, let's do Charlotte Jackson.

Now, Charlotte is from Nelson. Ta-da! Ta-da! My name's Jackson. The name's Jackson. The name's Jackson. Charlotte Jackson. Charlotte Jackson. Charlotte Jackson says,

a Nelson woman who sent strange gifts at Hayley's show. I know her as CJ. Now, thanks for sending me the video of you lot with my letter. CJ gave us a letter and it was really lovely. A lovely letter. And we laughed because she gave me a necklace that was for pills on the go. It looked like it was for drugs.

She said, I swear I used that necklace. Which of course you don't do, so you would never use. My body is a fucking temple. For your amethyst crystal. For my amethyst crystal and my citalopram. So don't get anxious. I swear I used that necklace for emergency handbag pills, not cocaine. Hayley, I am still

very embarrassed that during your show when you described being a serial killer who would chew on my feet I did finger guns at you. It always is a cringe memory when you know you did finger guns. You lot are the jolly gift that keeps on giving. You're always missed around the Christmas break but I hope you have a smashing time off. We won't be missed now.

You can listen to us on the Christmas break. To the producers, thanks for keeping us in the loop on what is no longer cool. And we thank you as well for that. I will never, ever go low rise again, but I appreciate you all embracing that weird 2000s energy. Plus, all six of you are foxes. Agreed.

Agreed. Breaking the stigma about a face for radio. Hot damn. Okay, too much wine for me. Love you guys the highlight of Charlotte's year was I didn't see this before I picked it the Mamoa interview was truly inspired how the fuck

did you stay so cool I don't know I'm assuming this question is about the show and not real life but if you really must know I met a completely toothless saltwater croc named Ellen and he was a sight to behold how would he eat mash mash bananas I'm gonna get you And he was a sight to behold. How would he eat? Mash. Mash bananas. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to get you. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get you bananas. No. We'll be back with our last Christmas cocktail special episode next. Cock-a-doodle. What's the cocktail? Oh, what is the cocktail for our last?

We should AI the last cocktail. We're talking about AI. James has the cat and the cat is hating it. So the cat is the best grumpy cat. The cat is hating it. The tail is telling me the tail is telling me

there's a scratch coming. Oh you've got a hold of his paws. You've restrained him. Yeah that's forced love. Yeah. Okay see you soon for an AI inspired cocktail.

You bet. Ciao Bella.