ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 24th December 2023

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Fletch's Loud Apartment, Christmas Erotica, and Whiskey Sours!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to our final Christmas cocktail special. The final because it's not going to get any better from here. We're about to run out of Christmas e-cards. Yeah, and I also just tried to eat a carrot. And I've got a really close sinus system where my throat, nose, and ears are very connected. Right. And I ate a carrot, and it went up and into my nose.

Oh. Now it's here. Now, the lovely Gay James, who we've referred to many times during our Christmas Cocktail Special, actually surprisingly put on some Mamma Fia rallies, which is so lovely of him, because we're about to eat that, which is nice. The creme de la creme of garlic breads in New Zealand. We didn't ask him to put it on.

I feel like he's imposing the garlic bread on us because of the level of intoxication. Yes, yes. Also at the bar Little Toddy Toddy's turned up.

Little Toddy's here. Hot Toddy's here. Hot Toddy's here. Hot Toddy's here. That's a great name actually. I'm going to change your name in the chat to Hot Toddy. What's that? It's a damndy's here That's a great name I'm going to change your name In the chat to Hot Toddy What's that?

Oh it's a Separate egg whites From egg yolks Farmlet eggs Are they farmlet eggs? Yeah farmlet eggs Mine are yours Oh god

They're still a carrot Yeah farmlet eggs We're going to have cocktails With your farmlet eggs I'm suspecting Some kind of frothy sour I believe we're having A whiskey sour

Is that the last Miam miam miam Miam miam miam Cocktail It has to be the last Because honestly In a couple of hours I've got dinner with friends I'm suspecting some kind of frothy sour. I believe we're having a whiskey sour. It's our last cocktail. It has to be the last because honestly, in a couple of hours, I've got dinner with friends and I have to be respectable. And gay Mike's leaving, who we just call Mike. He said, just call me Mike. I'm going to the airport. Mike, this will be well done by the time this airs.

Have a great stag do. Yay! Woo! well done by the time this is. Have a great stag do. Yay! This is one of the weddings we're going to that we need proper catering. Yeah, he has ensured us there will be much catering next year. Muchy, muchy. In Christchurch, yes. But our last E Christmas

cards to read out from listeners, lovely listeners. I'm just changing Todd's name to Hot Toddy. While you're doing that, I will start, even though I've got a carrot lodged somewhere between my ears, nose and throat. We need an ENT. I'll do it.

An ENT. Go to Melissa. Okay, Melissa Oliver says, Kia ora whānau. Mere. Oh, you did this to trip me up because you know I struggle with how many syllables. Kere he meti. Kere he meti.

Kere he meti. Because I always say kere meti. No, there's a he in there. Kere he meti. Mere kere he meti. Do you know what? Beautiful. We have touched on my Catholicism in this podcast series,

but also outside of. Would you like to touch on my Scientology now? Would you like to touch on my Scientology now? Would you like to touch on Kabbalah? Was Kabbalah an offshoot of Judaism? Yes. I think it was. Yes, it was. Yes, it was.

Madonna was into it. I know this because I'm reading Britney Spears' book at the moment, and Madonna tried to get her into Kabbalah, and she got a Hebrew phrase. That's the suburb of Wellington, isn't it? Yeah. Kendala. Oh, that's Kendala.

Okay. Named after Madonna. Right. Ah. My Catholicism. We actually had a Maori Christmas hymn at Christmas time, at midnight mass. Very progressive for a Catholic small white town.

Just the, the, the Maori Christmas song. What was it? I can't remember. But it had the meri kerehimete. No. Kerehimete. It's just Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer translated. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What's red is fa? No. No. Fero. Rudolph the Fero-Nosed Reindeer. And then we said, what does it No. Fero. Rudolph the fero-nose reindeer. We said, what is it?

Wero. Wero. Rudolph the wero-nose reindeer. And we laugh at the terrible pronunciation of white New Zealanders, but this year Australia voted no to having Aboriginal representation in Parliament. So racism alive and well, 2023, baby. Jesus Christ. Let's sort that out next year.

Melissa is from Blustery, Wellington. I'll keep this short, but thanks for giving me entertainment over the many years I was on the show. Hayley, you're an epic GC, and that stands for Gold Coast. Astrakhano. Good Castro. And I'm so glad to hear you in my ear holes every day. Fletch and Vaughan I've been listening

to you so long I feel like we're old mates and you guys are also GCs I'm very glad you're still going strong and I hear

you in my ear holes a lot of ear hole chat here we are going strong we did actually rate recently if you hear noise in the background

we're in the inner city we've opened the windows we've opened the windows because we're sweaty it's so noisy do you want out I always forget yeah it is

I always forget because when I sleep here, I'm only ever intoxicated. I have never, ever, ever stayed at your house sober for any reason. I'm always intoxicated. I'm used to the noise. Of course, yeah.

I just drown it out like it's nothing to me. I put this noise into my ears because I live in a very quiet suburb. I love the quiet. No, I can't. Sometimes I'm like, when I go- Makes me think about all the bad things

I've said and done. Quiet, so I like to fill my head with noise. anxious thoughts. Yeah. I wonder, you were going to say something. Yeah, you were going to say something.

No, I was going to say, when I ever, I stay at someone's house, like my parents or whatever, and they live in the middle of nowhere, it's like deathly quiet. Yeah. I can hear everything

and I'm just like, I can hear myself breathe. I'm like, I can hear myself breathe. I'm like, this is weird. Well, when you come and stay at our houses, we'll have a brown noise machine set up. Thank you. And a police siren noise. Oh yeah, we'll set up a siren machine.

And we'll just shake your bed a little bit. Melissa goes on to say, finally, a quick shout out to my best friend, Sophie, who also listens to the show on her commute. Hey, Sophie. And the podcast. We've been friends for as long as I've been listening to the show.

She is also a GC. So everyone's a good couple. Everyone's a GC. Everyone is a GC. This year is also 10 years since we went and saw One Direction live. So happy One Direction anniversary to us. Would that be 10 years since I saw One Direction? Do you remember?

It was because we started at ZM and I took some winners to One Direction in Sydney. One Direction in Sydney. I have never heard that kind of screeching and yelling like fanatic in my fucking life like that was the most

insane thing I've ever heard like when they came on stage Taylor Swift now right when people just scream the whole time it would be yeah

also big sup to producer Carwen who's my cousin she's pretty cool and I'm unbelievably proud of her do you know Melissa this is his

is this nepotism oh you got matching tattoos the flowers what sort of family is she from who's my cousin. She's pretty cool and I'm unbelievably proud of her. Do you know Melissa? Well, I have to know her. Is this nepotism? Oh, you've got matching tattoos. What side of the family is she from? My dad's. She's from your dad's side. Okay. Which you're not close with.

You're not close with your dad. No. But, but we like Melissa. No, you're close with them. Because I was just expecting this to be from Catherine's side of the family. No, I like this.

Oh, wow. That's good though. So there's still a connection to that family. Highlights for Melissa. Too many things. Travelling by myself. My sister's 21st. Oh wow, that's good though. So there's still a connection to that family. Highlights for Melissa. Too many things. Travelling by myself. My sister's 21st.

What's her new job? What's her new job? She buys books for Unity Books. Oh my god, I love Unity Books. Is that a Wellington? They have the best books.

No, but there's one in Auckland as well. On Little High Street behind Queen Street. Oh my god, that's a great bookshop. Oh my god. Oh yes,

it's a beautiful window display. Wellington, it's on Cuba Mall. No, it's on Manners Mall. Manners Mall. No, no, no. It's a great bookshop. Oh my God. Oh yes, it's a beautiful window display. Window display. Wellington, it's on Cuba Mall. No, it's on Manners Mall. Manners Mall. Manners Mall. No, no, no. It's on Willis Street. Willis Street.

Right at the end of the road. Right at the end. Which is a bookstore. You know the one with the bucket fountain on it? Yeah. Cuba Mall. Yeah. Artie B's.

Is that a book? That's a bookshop. The second hand bookstore. Yeah. My favourite bookstore in the world, Artie B's. That's a great bookstore. And there's a comic bookstore on that street as well. So you've been to all the bookstores in the world, Arty B's. That's a great bookstore. And there's a comic bookstore on that street as well.

So you've been to all the bookstores in the world and that's your favourite? I've been, I did a trip a few years ago where I did a world trip and went to every bookstore in the world. Right. And what it came down to was a top 10. Yeah. Okay. Arty B's in Wellington.

What are the other top 10? What are the other 10? Jacques Munoz in Paris. That is good, that one. Fritio Mandano de Bucarachio in Italy. Beautiful. What about in New York? Hey, I've got a book set.

Hey, I'm fucking reading here. In New York. Right, come inside, get a book in South Africa I love that place you really love that one in Afghanistan as well yes it was called just the bookstore

it was a simple name yeah what about the Australian bookstore you're like hey can you come to read yeah yeah yeah pick up a fucking book

you dumb cunt pick up a book and fucking read it come yeah yeah yeah yeah that one yeah yeah yeah oh lots of them pretty good book. Yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, lots of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That Indian bookstore you quite liked. Oh, yeah. You loved it. And you said it had a really weird name. Yeah, yeah. It was like, it was just like the Delhi bookstore. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That was the Delhi bookstore. New Delhi, old Delhi. Oh, Delhi. I thought you were saying Delhi as in the. New Delhi, Old Delhi, New Delhi. Oh, Delhi. I thought you were saying Delhi as in the Deli. No, Delhi as in New Delhi. Just like all around the world. Yeah, because you love your bookstores.

We've always seen that, haven't we? It's one of my defining features. Russian books or Stalin's books, you like that? Pretty one-sided. It's literally called book, book, book. And the Swedish bookstore, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. Yeah, yeah. I love that place.

Yeah, that was good stuff. Next. Good old books. Christmas e-card. Man, Lauren Dormigan. Now, there is a name I have not heard for a few years. She is an old school podcast listener. You're in her family.

Was it producer James? Sorry to talk about exes in front of you. Oh my God. So sorry. Yes. We're going to, she's having a tan. He won the Mrs. This is before our time, Jared.

Do you want, should we go? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. I think producer James ran into this family when he was overseas in Southeast Asia. James one or two? One. Not gay James. Is he straight?

Both straight. Both straight. Hence why we call gay James gay James because I've got so many Jameses in my life. You do. Can you see, by the way, during these shout outs, There's a gaggle occurring. Shannon has moved quite close to gay James.

Do you know what Shannon is? Shannon's standing here wearing my clothes and hugging our friends. And I'm just loving it. Move away, bitch. He's our friend. Okay? You're on warning.

Todd's in there double fisting a couple of bloody. Oh, you're squirting all over my kitchen, hon. That's all right. He's got a leaky lid there on the protein shaker there. Waiting for our whiskey sounds. What's Lauren Dumbigan got to say, Vagorn? I was just looking up James on Facebook, and I searched James and went to people. I'm running at a 50-50 straight gay James ratio.

How many gay Jameses do you know? I've got James Musterpick. Gay. Oh, it's changed now. So it's gay, gay. There's a few other Jameses. Got a rock gay in there? He was making out he knows way more gay Jameses.

Oh, my God, I was trying to make it look like I knew heaps of gay Jameses. He doesn't. He doesn't. I knew a few. There's a couple of straight. Oh, that guy's, that's a gay James. He's a very cool dude, actually. He's a really nice guy.

Okay, I've got straight, gay, straight, straight, straight, straight. Ooh, lots of straights. Yeah, right. I'm so embarrassed. That's not who I am as a person. I should have more gay Jameses and straights. That's my second cousin. Straight, I can only assume.

We're not close. Gay, straight, straight, straight, straight. Okay. Embarrassing, actually. It is embarrassing for you. That really is. Lauren Domigan. I am from New Zealand,

but I've been listening to you guys since 2009 when I lived in Laos. The whole family lived in Laos. Laos. Laos. Laos. He's so fucking white. I would like to apologise now

for Vaughan being so white and basic. I've been to Laos. My Laotians. Laotians are from Laos. Yeah. Aren't they? Laotians. Thank you.

And then all through Asia and Europe, you've been... Huh? Sounds like Laos. Laos. Yeah, Laos. That's how we said Laos. Laos. Yeah. Aren't they? Laotians. Thank you. And then all through Asia and Europe, you've been. Huh? Sounds like Laos. Laos. Yeah, that's how we said Laos. Laos. Laos.

Laos. That's what White Vaughan said. No, you can't anymore. They cancelled that because everyone was drowning. Yeah, because too many people died. It was loose as fuck. So you used to be on a like. Zipline and donut. Oh, you just go down the river and.

Yeah, like on inflatable tires. Yeah, and people keep drowning. Drinking too much. Because people get fucking drunk. Yeah, which we would never do. I'd never drink too much. No, no, absolutely. I'm going to dip my bread into the pickle juice.

I'm so sorry. Shannon and Gay James, can you stop? Stop it. Stop gossiping. What are they gossiping about? Get a room. Get a room. Jesus.

Lauren says, I want to wish Olivia Williams a Merry Christmas. She's my ride or die and has listened to the podcast for so long. Highlight, my two gay mums getting married. Yay, gay rights. We always say we want more lesbian content on the show. I might have the wrong person

because I thought Lauren was from a big Christian family. Well, she may have been. Plot twist. They could have found a second life. Plot twist. They could have found a second life. Plot twist. Would you, hypothetical, would you have a throuple with a couple of

lesbians? Oh, absolutely. Okay. I genuinely believe if Aaron and I don't make it the whole way, I shall never be with another man again.

Which is quite rude because Vaughan and I have paid a lot of money to go to your wedding. Yeah, I know, but that's up to you Please at least It's crazy

Because you were literally Never invited Please wait at least Five years Before you end this Relationship My life the woman Yeah

Oh I don't know We're running at It would be interesting I'm sure I'm running At just above 50-50 Weddings over 10 I am too yeah Oh whiskey sours

What's the sprinkle oh my god hot toddy bitters it's bitters you get a bitters I like to take a little thing and make a flower

out of it but you've just plopped it on that's just thank you hot toddy thank you oh stunning stunning thank you hot toddy

our last cocktail for the special cheers everyone oh he's so good that's good fucking out that's good Stunning, stunning. Thank you, Hot Toddy. Cheers. Our last cocktail for the special. Cheers, everyone. Oh! He's so good, eh? That's good, Toddy. Fucking out. Fucking out. That's good.

Save the rest for last. He's good. That's good cocktail. Oh, my God. He's good. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. He knows how to make a cocktail.

I'm thinking of cancelling my dinner date and just staying here. We should stay and do dinner in the city. Yeah. Oh, no. Last. Oh, no. Last. Oh, Lauren. Still going with Lauren? I didn't know.

I was doing research and she said it was the same Lauren. I just... Whatever. You were trying to find out if it too hot. No, we've done that last one. We did the last one

on the last episode. That's beautiful Charlotte who gave us her gifts. Those are our messages. Oh, yeah, we've done it. We've done it. Back to Lauren. Okay, I think we should end

by just giving each other some end of the year compliments. Christmas compliments. I can. Well, Jared's just off mic said, what if we give the producers compliments? I could easily do this. Okay, you go. You do all three.

Do you want them to be earnest or silly? Both. Both. One of each. Okay. First one's serious. Yeah, an earnest and then a silly for each one. Okay.

Yeah. Producer Jared, you are so good at troubleshooting any issue that comes up our way. Just as we notice a problem, you're already there trying to solve it. And we feel always in safe hands with you. Now do the silly one. Also, I can't wait to- I can't wait until she's finished the serious one. Oh, I can literally keep going. He she was finished the serious one I could literally

keep going Fletch is so uneasy with compliments he just he was together it was a comment at a full stop well I will also say

thank you a personal thank you to Jared who has done personal favours to all of us in terms of us wanting to go and do

not fucking those personal favours well he did it was a private he did charge your satisfying pro 2 on tour he did because I. Those are private. He did charge your Satisfye Pro 2 on tour. He did.

Which was above and beyond. Because I didn't have the right plugs in the right places. But also he does a lot of stuff behind the scenes for us when we decide to fuck off and do our own projects, right?

So we appreciate that. Also, I'm most looking forward to, because Jared is my metal buddy and we have been to metal concerts. The first one we went to, remember I got too drunk and I ditched him in the mosh pit. Yeah, you did.

And I took myself home. But we're going to Iron Maiden soon and I love having a metal buddy so I really appreciate that, Jarrod. Carween, you're the perfect mix of boss and babe, actually, where you're really kind to us and you don't bother us

with the small shit, but you also can whip us into shape when we really need it. I also have to shout out that Carween, not that she wasn't hot to start, but has just been getting hotter and hotter and hotter. And it's really just living her best life right now. And it's hard for me every time you walk in not to slap that number.

Okay, again, we've got James from HR here. How would that go at HR, James? That's a no-no. Is that James? That's a no-no. Is that problematic? That's a no-no. I have to ask Carween, is that a no-no? Yeah, she's shrugging. Right.

Because she didn't touch, but she implied that touch would be... No, just the implication of touch. What's insinuating is that Carween's really coming to her own this year as a fucking full-blown hot woman. And I love it. Now, Shannon, for fuck's sake we had fucking license although you may have compliments yeah oh sorry oh sorry sorry okay yeah so i'm not good at this never in our life we've anticipated getting 40 million views on tiktok in the space

of a year and part of it sure is the content but a lot of it is the way that you pick up on our humour and you edit it together and show it to the people in a way that is just so incredible that we literally message being like did you see that video it was so well done we're so blown away by your talent it is amazing also I'm a cry I'm a cry

on a side note you're just a beauty and we love it when you're just a ditz and you are so lost in life that we get to help you because you're an absolute joy and a positive energy in our producer's booth. We love it. Wow, that was good. Yeah, that was beautiful.

Are you going to do a silly one? Great tits. No, I was going for all of them. Okay, again, that's going to be a little trouble. My middle buddy, great ass, great tits. What do you want? Right, right, right. What do you want?

Right. No, James, again, that's not okay. James, our HR representative is saying that you can't say great tits to someone you work with. I think you'd have a field day in this industry, James. Oh, my God. And we're not even the serious offenders. There's some people in this industry who probably should be in prison.

You could have a field day, mate. Anyway, those are my compliments for our producers. What a great year. Yeah, fantastic. Do you want some? Do you want some? No, I don't know. Are you sure you don't want to receive any?

Vaughan and I don't do compliments well. But okay, but go now. No. We don't want to be like, if I had to hear it, I guess you could go now. Because then you'll want some and it'll just be hard. It's hard to give me a compliment. Why would it be hard? Is there nothing worth complimenting?

And as Vaughan will say now, it's very easy. Yes, it's easy. Well, if it's so easy, what's the issue? Can I not? Just give her one and we'll go. I'm not sure what's happening here. I'm happy to provide compliments about your friendship, your loyalty, your control, the safety in which you run a show, the energy in which you bring, the endless positivity.

Hold on, I'm opening up my AI. Yeah, just say a speech. I need to compliment my- A co-worker. I'm happy to go home to my fiance and say, tell me five things you like about my face. Plutonic. St. Plutonic.

Katie, who is on the verge of menstruating. This is good to know. And me starting. Nope, that's not what I meant. How do you spell menstruating? Menstruating. Oh my God, he wrote men starting. Men, that's not what I meant. How do you spell menstruating? Menstruating. Oh my god, he wrote menstruating. Yeah. Menstruating.

He's on the verge of menstruating and needs some constant reassurance. Positive affirmation. Positive affirmation. Here we go. Chat is thinking. Chat is typing. Here we go. I would like everyone to know those came from my heart. I'm really looking forward to those. Okay.

Hayley, I wanted to take a moment, if I might. Of course, what do you need? To acknowledge your dedication and hard work. Oh, thank you. Despite the challenges that can come from the biological processes our bodies go through, you have continued to show exceptional professionalism and commitment to the tasks at hand.

Your resilience and keep going. Your resilience and ability to remain focused even during demanding times is truly commendable. When my work is demanding me to have a child. TGP is still going. Thank you for consistently demonstrating such a

strong work ethic. Thank you. I admire how you keep pushing forward even though faced with potential obstacles. Wow. Your resilience is testament to your strong character and unwavering commitment to your work. Your ability to stay focused and dedicated even during challenging times is commendable.

Thank you, Vaughn. Keep going, Hayley. Your hard work does not go unnoticed and I appreciate the valuable contribution you consistently make to our team. Wow, Vaughn. Thank you. That is from the heart. That's so beautiful. Is it, Vaughn, thank you. That is from the heart.

That's so beautiful. Is that from both of you, is it? That is from, I second those comments. You totally, yeah, beautiful. Okay. Yeah. Oh, well, thank you so much, guys. It really means the world to me.

That's great. Now, there is an update on the dirty stories on this chat, on this, do you guys want? Should we finish with like a filthy Christmas story? Yes. With Santa. Right, me and erotic. this chat on this. Do you guys want? Should we finish with a filthy Christmas story? Yes! With Santa. Write me an erotic story about Santa seeing mum in the lounge. Lesbians.

Santa's mum and lesbians. What about Santa curing lesbians? Curing lesbians. Curing lesbians like it's a disease. Cancel. Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Gotcha on record. Gotcha on record. Go Santa mum lesbians. Yeah. Okay, write me an erotic story about Santa mum and lesbians. Stories of typing. This could be long. Wait, does GTP do this?

Dude, this is, so I downloaded this because this was, oh no, something went wrong. Yeah, I fucking bet it did. I downloaded this because it had a Dungeons and Dragons feature. Oh, fuck. But there is just endless filth. Choose one to start. Does size matter or give me a story about spicing some naughty stuff up in a movie theatre? It doesn't.

It doesn't. I'm going to do the movie theatre. It doesn't matter, guys. I'm on the fly. I'm going to use my AI to make this AI story Christmas. Jarrah's got good AI, but yours is more visual, eh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, pictures.

Do it again, Bourne. Jarrah can do anything with pictures. Stories is typing. Stories is typing. Stories is typing. Stories is typing. We're going to end. Oh, you should have done Lesbians stuck washing machine.

Okay. Create content. Look, we don't know. Rap lyrics, dating app, love letter, essay, script, email, story. Story. I don't know if Christmas Eve we should end with an erotic story. Yes, rap lyrics, dating app, love letter, essay, script, email, story. Story. I don't know if Christmas Eve we should end with an erotic story. Yes, we should. No one has sex on Christmas and it must end.

Right? Because we're always eating too much and we're with family. Who says people don't have sex on Christmas? I've had sex on Christmas. Have you? I've never had sex on Christmas. Why not? Never in my life.

Why not? I don't think I have. Because I'm too full of food and my family's all around. Yeah. And I'm too drunk by the end of the day. I'm too full of food

and my fanny and that's where I cut off. I'm too full of food and my fanny is too full of food. I've never had sex on Christmas. Genuinely.

Okay, so we're talking words and let's do how it's got to be at least a 500 word story. Come on, chat. Generate. Come on, chat. We're generating a story. words and let's do how I it's got to be at least this story is out of

control come on generate we're generating a story it was the night before Christmas and Santa had a special surprise

wasn't the night before Christmas little did he know his surprise was going to be more than they Santa making nope that didn't make

sense more than they expected I assume that meant to me Santa would be making his rounds all night going from house to house, delivering presents to all the boys and girls. Hayley Jane Sproul.

It was always a joy to have. We're writing a porn story here. Especially when he could bring joy to those in need. And this particular night, he felt a longing in his loins. He had been admiring a certain house for some time now, and he had a feeling that this was going to be the house he wasn't meant to go to. No, we can't have Santa creeping on a house he'd been admiring a certain house for some time now and he had a feeling that this was going to be the house he was meant to go to.

No, we can't have Santa creeping on a house he'd been stalking. So he made his way to the front door. Admiring for a long time, a.k.a. stalking. Like he's parking the sleigh down the road and he's like... He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake because he's stalking you outside your house.

Bit creepy. Also, he made his way to the front door and knocked. It's fucking Santa, dude. He's got the keys to everything. You literally have to enter through a chimney. He's like the chum security guy. He's got a bat. So he made his way to the chimney and entered.

When he slid down the chimney, although it says when the door opened, he found himself face to face with a beautiful woman. The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Stuck in the Christmas tree. She was wearing a long red velvet dress and her hair was draped in curls around her face. Santa felt his heart throb. Yeah, not in his heart. God, that'd bloody kill him at his age.

The woman was the mother of the family and she was obviously taken aback by the sight of Santa on her fire half. She asked him what he wanted and Santa replied he had come to make love to her. Straight to the point. I'm sorry. GTP needs to finesse that a little bit. The woman was taken aback. What do you want?

You've got to play around with it. Why? I'm looking for a gift of my own, for example. Yes. But not in a negative way. She seemed intrigued by Santa's proposition. Not in a negative way. I've come to make love to you, but not in a negative way.

No, no, no, no, no. Honestly. The woman was taken aback, but the taken ab you but not in a negative way like no no no no honestly the woman no no no the woman was taken aback but not the taken aback was not in a negative way I thought he said

I've come to make love to you not in a negative way but we've literally just spent five or four months of writer's strikes because they're worried about chat GTP killing

don't worry I don't think we're worried about this at this stage yeah but I've got a stiffy I'm also a wreck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so it's working, but it's not great. It's not great, but it's what it's got to be.

She'll do. It'll do. Okay, okay. It'll do. The woman has taken aback, but not in a negative way. She seemed intrigued by Santa's proposition and told him to come in. Once inside, the house, not the woman. Once inside, Santa and the woman talked for some time.

They talked about life, love, and all the things that mattered. All the things. As they talked, Santa felt himself falling deeper and deeper in love with her. Yeah, I bet he did. Finally, the time had come. Santa reached out. Santa reached out and gently pulled her close. He kissed her with all the passion he'd been longing to express.

Santa! Oh, my God. The kiss was electric. And it seemed to Santa that time had stopped. My goodness. And to Santa that means something, because this guy gets around the whole world in one night. Oh, yeah, I know.

Time means nothing. How does he have enough time to do this? Well, this is... He can pause time. Finally, the time had come. Oh yeah I know Time means nothing How does he have enough time To do this Well this is Akinpua's time Finally the time had come Santa reached out And she Oh yeah

Okay the time has stopped We're back to the start of the paragraph When the kissing ended They both knew That something special had happened Santa whispered in her ear I love you And the woman

The woman whispered back I love you too I thought it was going to be That's $21.95 for the photo. Because of Westfields, you know. $5.00 for the toilet fee because your kid pissed on me. Do you want a 6x4 or a 10x6? Because it's as much as much with a 10x6.

After that, they made love with an intensity that neither of them had ever experienced. Too much detail on the other shit. And then they made love. That's where the detail needs to be. Feel free to fill in the gap. How would you fill in the gaps? Okay, so I'll lead you in with the woman whisper back that she lived in too. After that, they made love.

No, I think you've got to say Santa moved closer to her. Yes. Kissing her, she felt his rough white beard rub against her face. She liked it. She said as much. Sharon's taken off his headphones. He was like, not that close to my ears. She said as much.

I like the way your beard feels, Santa. And he said, you like that? Wait till you feel this. Then Santa slid his beardy face down her torso. Sorry, the gays are hating it. HR? HR check?

No, it's a big no from HR. Carry on, Ailey. He slid his beardy face down her torso, tickling her sternum. Did he stop at the titties? Stomach. Oh, no, he's still just gone to the titties. He's ignoring the titties. He's not a titty guy.

Santa ignores the titties? He's an arse man. He's an arse man. Santa's an arse man. That makes sense. He looks at those redness arses. He's ruining the titties. He's not a titty guy. Santa ignores the titties? He's an arse man. Oh, that's so rude. Santa's an arse man. That makes sense. He looks at those reindeer's arses. He's ruining some childhoods. He got down beneath her underwear line.

You're as bad as AI. Where he said, ho ho, ho. Hooking his long Santa fingers into her underwear. Slipping them down. He's like a weird wizard. He's got long Santa fingers. He's got sausage fingers. He's got Prince Charles fingers.

Yeah, he's got fat fingers. He doesn't have long wizard fingers. He's like Gandalf the Grey. He does. In your mind is Santa Gandalf. Hawking his long, fancy fingers into her underwear. He pulls them down in a whimsical move. Then he says, ho, ho, ho again. And she says, don't you have a better line than that, Santa?

Oh, my God. We're going to hell, by the way. So, Chair GCP. Modern Santa is an invention of Coca-Cola, not Christianity. I've got to say, we're not going to hell. We're going to Coca-Cola hell. We're going to Pepsi. Okay.

Okay. Well, I mean, I don't know. Chair GCP and. Okay. Okay, well, I mean... Should I continue? You continue, I'll fill in the blanks if he jumps right in. After that, they made love. So that actually works really well. Santa said to her, like, I've got a gift for you. You've been a very good girl. And she said, I hope it's what I asked for.

And he says, I hope this is what you wanted. And she said, yes, it is. It's consent, it's important. And then he delivers Duolingus he delivers some duoling call back call back

call back he's like si mami mamacita he's like level 400 of Duolingus he's level 400 he's got all around the world

yeah that's why he has to know Spanish he has to lick holes he has to lick holes and all over si papi si papi I'm going to look up the Spanish word for hole carry on I reckon it's going to be Yeah. That's why he has to know Spanish. He has to lick holes. He has to lick holes. See puppy. See puppy. I'm going to look up the Spanish word for hole.

Carry on. I reckon it's going to be. Ole. No, yeah, it's going to be. It's not going to be hola because that's hello. It's going to be. Okay, you tell me what you think the Spanish word for hole is. Ole. Ole.

O-L-E with a thing on it. Hang on. No, no, I need to. Reverse it. Reverse it. You're the one doing Duolingo. You should know. Agujero.

Agujero. Agujero. Agujero. Agujero. Agujero. A-G-U-J-E-R-O. Agujero. Santa says, let me put my candy cane in your Agujero.

See you, puppy. See you, puppy. See you, Santa Claus See you, puppy. See you, Sinterklaas. Okay, wow. This is from Jared who wants to add, Santa Lens and yes, it is from you. Don't you fucking deny it. Don't you put your hands on us.

Don't you write this film and then say it wasn't you. Santa Lens and Klaas and Whispers. Christmas may come only once a year, but you're not Christmas. Fala. Fala. You are lingered. Okay. And he sings the song. He says, come, they told me.

Come, ye fearful. This is so out of control. After that, they made love. This is so out of control. After that, they made love. This is back to AI. Which we've been through. Back to AI. After that, they made love. By the way, if you're going to cancel anyone, cancel AI.

This is not us. No, this is AI. This is going to get the writers' trot. Yeah. At this time, when this plays, just drink the whole thing, Fletch, in one. Just don't get your right now Drink the whole thing Fletch in one Just don't look at your hands You're just drinking it

The frothy bit down On my throat Yeah I'm just having a quiet night I've never seen someone so keen To get to the bottom of a glass Fuck it I had the writer's strikes resolved

By the time this podcast is No no no The actor's strike The actor's yeah Because the writer's was But by the time this podcast is. No, no, no, the actor's strike. The actor's, yeah, because the writer's was, but the actor's, yeah. Fuck, they need Jared running that softcore porn with that. Can we hurry? I need to pee. After that, they made love.

See, puppy. See, mommy. They made love with it. See, it's close. See, Santos Coros. After that. Oh, Saint Nick. Puppy Nicholas. chorus after that Hey, San Nicolas, go sit down there. What do you think of this?

Can you make him... After that, they made love. Jesus Christ. Sorry, Jared. I'm crying. Si, papi, Nicolese. I don't think we can release this episode. I don't know if we can. I don't think we can.

I don't know if we can. don't know if we can I don't know if we can It's gotta go in the trash Just trash this episode We've ruined Christmas We've soiled Christmas Imagine So imagine Parents are in the car With their kids

And their kids are asleep They're on a road trip Driving And they're like It's okay to listen The kids are asleep It's fine We're driving

They're driving They're listening They're like Ha ha ha Fine Now they get out of the car They're like it's okay to listen the kids are asleep it's fine we're driving they're driving they're listening they're like ha ha ha fun now they get out of the car they're like the kids are asleep let's go into

McCafe and get somebody barista made coffee but they leave the keys in the car because it's going to be hot it's summer it's going to be hot

they leave the keys in the car and the air conditioning on so the kids now the kids are like 9 12 and 14 they're gone they wake up but because the keys are in 9, 12, and 14.

They're gone. They wake up, but because the kids are in the car, the phone's still playing because it's on Bluetooth and they're in the McCafe, but it's close enough to the car. The kids, they left on the last Christmas message. The parents, now they're getting a coffee, they're relaxing, they're having some time out, they're recharging. And these kids are sitting in the car, a cool air-conditioned car, but they have just listened to the absolute desecration of Christmas.

But again, chat GTP is to blame for that, not us. And Jared Pickstock. After that, they made love with an intense... Oh my God, it's still going. I have read that sentence a thousand times. After that, they made love with an intense... This is mum and Santa. This is mum and Santa.

Santa went down on your mum. One L in it's max. He did duolingus on your mum. That's both holes of him. Oh, my God. Oh, sweetheart. Sharon, are we doing warnings? We're doing warnings.

Okay, thank God. It's hot. It's hot. It's too hot here. And we'll be right back after this commercial break. Literally just crying. Okay, hurry up. Do we need a commercial break?

Yeah, okay. Pause for a commercial break. Goodbye. We're going to have a commercial break. Okay. And we're back. break? Yeah, okay. Pause for a commercial break. Goodbye. Okay. After that, check yourself. Fucking check yourself.

Can we get Fletch another drink? Can we get Fletch another drink? No, he's out. He's right. You need another drink. I need to pee. I need to pee so bad. I know. I do too and I nearly pissed myself.

Why don't we take a commercial break? Okay, take a pause. We'll take the commercial break here. Take the commercial break that we took before. Play ZM's Fletchford and Ailey. Play ZM. Thank you for that commercial break, podcast. We're back.

We're all just texting our loved ones to say like, hey, what if I didn't come home tonight? Yeah, yeah. I knew this would happen. I'm going to text Sade and say, there's actually better food in the city. Because she's been very good with, she's been behaving with herself. What if Sade and Aaron,'s actually better food in the city because she's been very good with

she's been behaving with herself because we live quite close together gone Uber in oh yeah he could do that yeah absolutely I have children

what are we going to do with them look after themselves they do almost are I feel like they're at the age where they can stay at home you know

don't worry about them let's get back to this intense erotic literature. So Sinterklaas is now going down on this one. I feel like this is what's going to get us cancelled though.

Nah. Absolutely not. You can't be cancelled for sexualising a fictitious character. Mm-mm. I will not be cancelled. You can't be cancelled

for satisfying a woman to the point where she's saying Oh. Oh. My little Nicole. My little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little You can't cancel it I'm sorry that makes you uncomfortable

You can't cancel it After that they made This is a sentence I've said it 155,000 times Okay After that they made love with an intensity That neither of them had ever experienced before. Wow. Have you ever, sorry, if I can just interrupt you.

Oh my, we can't afford these interjections. No, but I feel like we can. Have you ever made love with that kind of intensity? Yeah. Okay. I remember the details. Once or twice in my time. Remember, I had a Bell's palsy.

She did. She had a Bell's palsy. She did. She had a stroke. I told you this. I had a stroke. Have you ever heard that? No, remember I had a stroke. Yeah, you had a stroke. But you had a stroke from traveling on a plane.

She had a stroke. I had a stroke from an orgasm. Yeah, dude. Fuck off. Yeah, dude. She was out to it. Go on. Go on. Go on.

I once had, and I will not say the person. I once had an orgasm so intense that my face slipped down on one side. My arms and legs were gone. I couldn't feel it. I was like this. And I burst into tears. And I was like, it was the weirdest thing.

Yeah, and I had like a full Bell's palsy. Amazing. Did you get like diagnosed with it? No, no, no, no, no. But I mean, I had all the symptoms of a Bell palsy. It was the right side of my face. My eye and lip and nose like drooped down. I had no control over them anymore.

My body was vibrating and I had lost all tingleness in one side. It was all like numb. Jesus. And I burst into tears. In like a happy, overwhelmed tears. Bowel palsy is a neurological disorder that causes paralysis or weakness on one side of the face.

One of the nerves that controls muscles in the face. What a champ, eh? That'd be feeling like such a champ. That's not something that just visits you during an orgasm. That's like something that's... No, a bowel palsy is a proper medical thing. But the symptoms I achieved... This is a medical study.

Okay. Woman suffers orgasm-related stroke. Oh, here we go. I had this. This is from 2008, September. This is on CBS. Sex triggered a life-threatening stroke for otherwise healthy 35-year-old Illinois woman,

her doctors have reported. Oh, jeez, you've got a quick scroll on this mouse tracking pad. Yeah, I don't. This Dell computer's got a very quick scroll. You know why? The missus is coming. Quick, scroll this. Quick.

Stuck in the dryer. I'm stuck in the dryer. Oh, no, no, no, no. Nothing to see. Oh, tab. Oh, tab. Oh, tab. Boom.

Oh, tab. Yeah, that's quick too, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm on a multi-lip, multi-recording. I'm just editing some software. Why are your pants down and your cocks in your hand? Fucking hell. Just multi-tracks get me going.

Sex and orgasm triggered strokes in relatively young women and men are rare but not unheard of. They require a combination of factors and events that are unusual in themselves but which are highly unlikely to occur at the same time. A cryptogenic stroke. So that might not have been bowel spores, just a stroke like

Yeah, it was, I remember this pulling in the muscle of my mouth and pulling down and my eye being down like this. Which is one side of your body goes, because when I had my deep vein thrombosis after a flight. Of course, which is

just as good as having a massive orgasm. No orgasm, but yeah, that was the same. Okay, wow. Yeah, how bizarre, right? No orgasm on the whole trip? Come on.

I mean, not on the flight or the next day, but pre-year. How embarrassing. Yeah, pre-their headband. Anyway, proud to have visited

this weird place where I went, oh, that's amazing. The cat, the cat is contemplating jumping out. Proud to have visited this weird place where I went. Amazing. The cat. The cat is contemplating jumping out. So my cat just sits at the window and looks out. That's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

It's the cutest thing ever. No, I would look at that and I'd pull him away being like, don't jump. Nah, he's fine. But he doesn't. My camera's fogged up. That's probably jizz. It's jizz and sweat. He just looks out of the window. He just loves it. Oh, no jammers. He's just jizz um but he he just looks out he just looks out of the window

he just loves it yeah oh my jamaz he's just like what's he watching birds he just looks at the birds life

longs for a life outside I wish I could go outside that kind of thing longs for a life like owlcats free to roam where's Santa at he's done some duolingus so Santa Claus has just given a

a Bell's palsy orgasm no no no he hadn't because after that they made love with an intensity that neither of them had ever experienced before. The most repeated sentence of this podcast in its history. It was as if they were meant to be together and the feelings that they shared in the moment

were undeniable when it was all over. They laid in each other's arms, feeling a deep connection unlike anything either of them had ever felt before. Santa closed his eyes. What's he closed because he's got presents

to deliver. He's got a busy schedule. Get up. Get going. There are small kids and girls and boys waiting for their presents. I went for a gradual break.

Santa has fucked your mum. And he's fucking someone's mum. Yeah. And then falling asleep It's disrespectful It's very disrespectful to the age old Has he not seen Santa Claus The Tim Allen movie

He's gotta get out there and deliver his goddamn presents Is there another Santa movie worth watching Bad Santa I'm not a big Alf fan I'm a big Alf Excuse me what? Mamma Bigger Puppet Fucking what?

I've seen it once And it was a bit much I'm more of a Tim Allen He's cancelled though What's his name? Billy Bob Thornton guy Yeah Bad Santa

You'd rather do Bad Santa? What was the other Christmas movie? Christmas with the Cranks Christmas with the Cranks Is that Tim Allen again? Yeah He's married on Christmas movies He's really found his niche Wild that Tim Allen again? Yeah, he's narrating on Christmas movies. He's really found his niche.

Wild that Tim Allen was Buzz Lightyear, eh? Yeah. Wild. When it was all over, they lay in each other's arms, feeling a deep connection unlike any, either of them, even how it felt before. Her face slipping off to the side. Weeping and vibrating.

And a post-orgasm face. As Santa closed his eyes, again, get the fuck up, Sandy, you've got presents to deliver. Santa had given the woman the best Christmas gift she could have ever asked for. A Bell's palsy orgasm. And he would never forget the look of pure joy on his face as he made love to her.

The night. The night. AI is such a prude. Yeah. We're filling in the details Yeah Was one of the most Magical of his life

And one That he would never Forget They didn't write forget AI didn't write forget One that he would never The writers are safe The Hollywood writers

Have nothing to worry about This is low level shit Give more detail On his member Yeah That's how they always do it In the literature. Yeah. Really? Yeah, he produced

his member. His throbbing member. Well, that ends our Christmas cocktail specials. It does. It does on the eve of Christmas. Should we do one more? I think we should do one more. Do you think we should? I think we should do one more.

Well, we're here and we've all got a full glass So We've got one more I can polish this off Before the end of the We don't have We don't have We don't have a

I have had texts from Aaron Being like When are you coming home? I messaged Sade Saying we just spent 25 minutes Describing cunnilingus On someone's mouth It's

It's Duelingus And she said Oh my fucking god Pull your shit together And get home. And I'm like, hey, you can't tell me what to do. You can't tell me what to do.

Yeah. One more? One more? Okay, one more. Will this be Christmas Day? Why are we here? No, this will be Christmas Day. A Christmas special.

A Christmas special. Well, let's be respectful, please. No more Bell Pauls-y orgasms. No more. Okay, everyone. Okay. What should we do? Let's plan now.

Let's do a live planning session For the Christmas special Any ideas for the live Christmas special Christmas day What about we talk about Our experiences with Christmas What about childhood Christmas memories Yes

Yeah Perfect Okay brilliant Okay Perfect