ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special '25- Episode Twelve

Episode Date: December 30, 2025

On Episode Twelve; What are your thoughts on cooked tortoise??See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Flash Morning Haley's Christmas Cocktail Special Welcome to the Christmas Cocktail Special Live shows in the Big Potter back on Monday the 19th of Jan To Scotland, Care Rights, Christmas Card Message, me and you, let's make it on Sanders' Nautilist together. Winkface. Oh, okay. Okay, well, have that.

My workshop, sorry, my highlight of the year is I run workshops in resilience. I've actually stolen, this family motto of drink it while it's fizzy and put it into my workshop. That's actually plagiarism. And I want to fucking cut of what people. I had an amazing feedback this year

when someone was contemplating ending in their life until they saw my presentation. Oh, that's amazing. Made them realign their priorities and sought professional help so if you could say by proxy, Haley's a hero. Oh, no, I'm not. Next guys.

Not also sharing any of my fee. So you wanted to cut on that. Oh, yeah. See you in court if I have to. See you in court. The fact that we would say that we want to cut. Well, it's not... The Sprouse took it from my mum's best friend who died very young of cancer.

So they stole it from a dead woman. Is that what you're saying? Patsy stole this from her dead best friend. Wow. Wow. And for that, we're truly sorry. But also... Don Draper and madmen.

Yeah. Yes. But also, how... What an incredible work. I know. Congratulations. Well done, Kear. Churiciest moment of the year was on a work trip in Belfast.

That's in Ireland. And there are some areas of that city you avoid for obvious reasons. I decided this time to go into a bar with boarded-up windows and a picture of a guy holding a rifle on me. Hell yes. Okay, I'm here for this story. I stroll in trying to act confident but actually shitting myself and get a drink at the bar.

Spend the afternoon with the shifty fella. Fast forward six months and I was a wedding with a guy who was a police force and police officer in Northern Ireland. I described the guy I'd spend an afternoon drinking with and yeah, that's the head of a very bagged organisation there. Oh my God. You had a drink with a head of like a gang or something? The IRA or...

Looking at the girlies of the story writes. Oh, so like, what, like, the first thought of this guy would be like, is this guy an undercover cop? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, sorry, Cyrus, he's here. Siren. Ooh, okay. Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster is my reincarnation choice.

I'm that desperate for attention. Lunatics will be searching me for decades. Yeah, that's great. Thank you, Kear. Charlotte is in Christchurch. Says hello to everybody. Happy Christmas, New Year's, holidays. I hope those Christmas cocktails are treating you all well.

I just want to shout out my husband, Brendan. We've got married in January. and we had our first child, George in July. Do the maths. Do the maths. Do the maths. Is that a rushed wedding because of the baby? Or were you just like, yeah.

You don't want a bastard child, do you? No, no, no, no. You've said Game of Thrones doesn't end well. Brendan has been absolutely amazing throughout the hectic wedding planning, dealing with my nauseous pregnant ass, and also being the most amazing dad to our son. I couldn't be happy with my little family. Also, can't forget to shout out our cat called Sky,

our fish called Barry and our Auxolodol call Archie. Oh, Auxolot was a fucking yuck, man. I used to look after one, and you feed them blood pellets, and they, like, nip your finger. Yeah, they stink, they stink, and they suck. Yeah. But good on, you for having one. Oh, sorry, yeah, sorry, thank you.

Ah, I rig and flush it. Do you know, by the way, now, if you buy a turtle, read turtles, yeah. They have to be microchipped. What? How do you microchip a turtle? Exactly like your microchip a cat. What in the skin?

In the leathery. Where the fuck is the turtle going to go? Like, no one. No, people get sick of them because they live for, like, 80 years and 20 years in, they're like, fuck this, this was grandma's turtle, and they biff it on the side of the road, or in a creek or what have, and it sets up a wild turtle pile.

This is why we need to bring back plastic straws. I reckon you could run your magnet, no, your turtle under a strong magnet, and wipe its chip. Suck it up out of the... Where are they chipping it? In the wormy bit inside? I don't know. I don't know, yeah. In the nape of the turtleneck. They scan it like they scan a dog. I saw it a pencil the other

and it said, yeah, all turtles must be microchipped by counsel bylaw. I don't like it. I don't like it. That's so funny. Yeah. Where are we at here? I, Brendan, and the turtle and the oxalodle. Highlight of my year was I had to be the birth of my son, George.

After five years of trying with no success, we then tried IVF on our second try who was successful. After thinking we lost them during our pregnancy as well, we are truly so lucky to have him here in our lives. You guys saw us pregnant and bed. Dying of nausea saved me on some of those days when I felt awful. Sorry, we bag on having kids so much. She must have been hard sometimes. Yeah. Feeling sick and I'm saying,

God, who'd do it? Yeah. I'm glad you have. Yeah, I have. Or me or her. No, her. Oh, you pointed at me. No, you guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, parents. The parents. Reincarnation and come back as a tortoise. They live for ages. No one really wants to eat them, and they hang out in the sun with their buddies. I've got terrible news regarding people wanting to eat turtles. Very popular.

Where? Tortoise soup, turtle soup. What? They cook it in the shell. They kill the turtle and cook it in itself. It's got a plate, it's got a pre- Yeah, it's a really good. Pretty bold.

It literally grew its own bowl. It's like when you get a Nadia limb my food bowl and you just, all you have to is microwave. Yeah, easy. It's actually where Nadia got the idea for microwave meals from. I was like just, just, just. Turtles. And the thing about microwaving a turtle is you've got to have a big microwave. I think you're going to say put a glass of water in the corner.

Oh, yeah, because they'll go dry. Put a couple of fork holes in it. You don't want your turtle to pop. You've got to fork it and make it nice and stick. You've got to steam it, basically. Oh, it's a steam turtle. Now, this says Natalie from Toonga, but I said it is. I thought it said Natalie and Bruglia.

The next one. And the irony around. Natalie from Toonga says, Midi Kerehemete. Did it? I did that the other day and I didn't do it well today, Haley. It's a hard one. It is.

I have listened to you since Day Dot. Fun fact, you used to talk to Vaughn on MSN Messenger about what broadcasting school is like as I wanted to go. What a pest. That's like the politicians talking to people on Snapchat, you fucking pissed. When was I talking to them about broadcasting school? They've been with their boyfriend for 23 years, so they've got to be, like, close to my age.

Yeah, they're going to be your age. Someone's going to message me and ask me what it's like to go to a bureaucracy school. Why am I being so defensive? I don't know. This was 23 years ago. Pest, pest, pest. I got into broadcasting school, but I didn't go because of my high school boyfriend. Spoiler, married 15 years to get the 23 and have to...

To be honest, you probably dodged a bullet. Chose love. Yeah. Yeah, dude, this industry's far. Guys. It's skeletal Stop, I just arrived Reincarnation choice

I'm one and done Tired me out of thinking about it She does not want to be ready to do that Yeah, that's our first one of it I can't actually can't be fucked Yeah please don't make me do this again I can be fucked Lucy from Oto Tahi

writes to my future wife Monique You are the absolute bomb dot com Can't wait to marry you in a couple of months time We've got a lesbian wedding We've got a lesbian wedding I'd love to attend Have you been to a lesbian wedding No, my best lesbian...

My best lesbian got married when I was out of the country. Oh, I've been to so many gay weddings, like gay dude on dude. Why weren't you invited to the lesbians wedding? I was. It was like one of those last minute. We're going to do it when we're home, but I had pre-booked a... Placid lesbians doing things last minute. And in a rush. It'll rush, rushing it.

Highlight of the year is getting engaged in reincarnation would probably be a goat. So I can headbutt people. Right. Okay. Aaron is in Christchurch as well. Silly season salutations to those that celebrate highlight of the year. Say that fast. Silly season solutions to those who celebrate.

Silly season salutations to those who celebrate. Silly season solutions for those that seek solutions of silly seasons synanigans. Go to Sillyseasonsolutions.com. Silly season solutions. Why there? How about supporting these local businesses? Why not supporting silly season solutions? Hi there.

Highlight of the year is landing my dream job after receiving a severe concussion at work and being bullied out of said workplace, you fucking motherfuckers. I would have got to pay out. I'm back teaching special education in an amazing school with supportive colleagues and amazing tamariki who overcome huge challenges and succeed in their learning. Thank you for your service. Juiciest moment of the year is seeing photos of my ex-boyfriend getting married to someone who's a carbon copy of me. That's a compliment.

I'd take that as a compliment. Yeah. But did he break up with you? Or did you break up with him? If you broke up with him and he marries someone who's a carbon copy of you, it shows that he's not. really over you at any moment you can have him back i like when people cheat on someone that looks exactly like your girlfriend or boyfriend it's like kaneh west when he got that new girlfriend yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what have you done that timu kim she was actually gorgeous i felt bad the minute i said timu kim i felt bad she is gorgeous but what's her name tim bianca no it was tim tadashian is she australian bianca yeah she looks like a hostage When she's in those shops with just her nipples Just nipples and leather leggings She looks like a hostage Erin says she would come back as a kidded her Being chonk is celebrated and getting drunk on berries as expected

But as we've mentioned You'll be taken down in Haley's garden by a cat Rolly And end up in a hole in the ground Yeah Oh I just threw my paper Because we've finished a page Wait you've got to go up over

And so it lands on top of the fan Oh damn it I miss Oh, I miss the fan. Oh, I need a piece of paper. No, no, no, we'll try again. Excuse me, that. It's a very expensive ceiling fan. Because mine landed on the bench, look.

I went whack. Yes, I know. Well, please, you'll be billed if there's any damage to the fan. Join us next time. We've got a mutta, mutter, and flat bush. Flatbush. Don't call me that. Round mound.