ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special - 25th December 2023

Episode Date: December 24, 2023

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley crack open the Christmas Cocktails, and chat Productivity, Earliest Christmas Memories, and what Fletch found...The wheels are well and truly off!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Christmas Cocktail Special you'll know that we've been recording you're listening to it day by day but we've been recording minute by minute what episode is this? 9, 10 10 10 off we only planned to do 8 max yeah yeah we're doing great we're so productive

we're productive we are productive people but we have been drinking this whole time so please know as you are listening on your Christmas day we're a little bit pussed and I said I said before didn't I

because two Ubers cancelled me on me before pussed and I said I said before didn't I because two Ubers cancelled me on me before I could get there I said I might just drive I did not thank god I will not be driving home

because you were we're sharing an Uber home yeah now for the Christmas day the last podcast cocktail special what should we do

Christmas I think we decided 10 seconds ago but yesterday in real time. Yes. Childhood memories. Childhood memories of Christmas. I always remember my brother got a better present than me.

First Christmas memory. First Christmas memory. What is your first ever Christmas memory? I remember I found out. Do you think I can say that about Santa? Wait, wait, wait. If you have young kids listening. Because Fleeche is about to tell the kids.

The number one Christmas secret. Kids, you've got to stop listening. You've got to stop listening because this is about our deal as adults with Santa. We're going to have a great deal with Santa. Two. Kids, turn it off. One. So I remember.

So I did a recce into mum and Dan's room. Is this your earliest Christmas memory is the destruction of Christmas? Yeah, the destruction of Christmas. Oh my God, that's so sad. I remember so many happy Santa Christmas days. It explains so much, right? It does. I mean, I do remember the odd waking up.

It explains when you're such a cold, shut off bitch. I remember, you know, waking up and there's Santa sex. I'm like, oh my God, that's so cool. What was in them? The stuff from the $2 shop. Cool. Yeah. And then I remember one Christmas.

Oh, it was from Cocodian Stains. What do you want? Oh, my parents who were struggling to get through. In the 1980s, which was a very tough economic time for middle and lower class New Zealanders. Stock market crash, but where's the fucking Gucci? Where's my Louis Vuitton oh great Santa went to

the doodah shop no but I remember just my I remember it was the Christmas Eve and I was like I'm gonna have a look and see if I can find

my Christmas presents and it went into mum and dad's you little little shit I never did no but also like I'm a true crime

like this is me I'm a true crime aficionado you love white women being murdered I love white women being murdered. You're a true detective. You can't wait for the day my time comes.

I'd be a great detective. And so I went into mum and dad's room and I saw in the wardrobe, there were presents. And I was like, oh my God. Always in the wardrobe, eh? Okay. Yeah. Always.

Like no effort from Bev and John to hide these presents. They're busy people. They've got shit. They've got stuff. Of course. Bev and John have jobs. Yeah. And also, wild that you just strolled into your parents' wardrobe. I're busy people. They've got shit. Of course they do. Pam and John have jobs. Also wild that you just strolled into your

parents wardrobe. I never went into my parents room unless formally invited. I did to look for things like bras and makeup. Did you go into your parents room? James went into your parents room? Todd did you ever go into your parents room? Were you allowed in your parents room? You were just allowed to stroll into your parents

room? Ever catch him doing it? Yuck. No, no. You ever find anything terrible? Did you? Yeah. Were you allowed to No, we had similar childhoods in the parents territory. We were not allowed in that room unless they were there.

I snuck in to wear my mum's bras because she's a bigger busted woman and I was... What? I snuck in to wear my mum's bras because she's a bigger busted woman and I was... You got a picture? What? She's leggy and she's booby. She was Miss... The Robinsons have it all.

Can I check that with HR? It's a no-go. She was Miss LJ Hooker, Lower North Island. She was, but my mum had bigger boobs and I was born with sprout chest, so I always had no boobs until I put on 20 kgs this year.

And now I've got whopping tits. I wouldn't even notice. Because you're not looking. I'm not looking. I've got fantastic tits now. Thank you. Thank you. The girls are great.

But I would go into my mum's room to put on her bras and stuff them with like oranges and like apples and socks and stuff. Amazing. And imagine and be excited about making my own breasts one day. But I never went hunting for anything terrible or secret revealing. We never went in like some kids would go in and sleep in their

parents bed. No. Only if I pissed myself twice. No. If we were vomiting sick we still weren't allowed to sleep in our parents bed. No. I was a bed wetter before I got my kidney removed. It was like we didn't know my kidney was sick. You're such a drama queen.

I know. I got my kidney. Remove my organ. I'm a bitch. But I would wet the bed because I didn't know I had kidney disease. Yeah. And I wet the bed. And then I'd wet the bed.

And I'd go and knock on my parents' door and say, I've wet the bed. And they'd move me to the couch. And every now and then, I'd wet the couch. And then I'd go into my parents right so you destroyed two surfaces yeah do you know what though when I was 16 like I stopped when I was 10 years old because I had my kidney removed and it fixed everything until I drank that's wild what was it it was a blockage in my tube between my bladder and my kidney so something functioning there wasn't working and I go kidney bladder yes your kidneys so something functioning there wasn't working. It was like a kidney bladder.

It's almost like ovaries womb. So it's like kidneys bladder. Anyway, so that got all fixed. But when I was 17 years old, I broke up with my boyfriend and I was so upset and I came home. My brother drove me home and I knocked on my... He's a good boy. He was straight edge so he didn't drink.

Drove me all the way home like 40 minutes from town and then when I got there I was like I really want my mum and dad so at 17 they knocked on my parents door and I was like

and they were like oh what's up usually when I was a kid it would be I've pissed the bed but that time I was like oh me and Ben broke up they were like aww

and I hopped on the bed with my parents and we had a little cuddle in between them yeah and we had a little cuddle and you know my parents aren't like physical contact no yeah we had a little cuddle and, you know. My parents aren't,

like, physical contact. No. Yeah, we're a huggy family. Yeah, we're not. We've only just become. Touchy, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that nice, though?

Both Vaughn and I are excited to hug your parents at your wedding next year. Yeah. Well, you met my mum recently. Oh, you've met my parents before as well. But you met my mum recently

with some of the gays. And my mum was like, these gays, these gays are fantastic. Did you guys see? Your and with some of the gays and my mum was like there's gays there's gays did you guys see your mum would be big for gays you weren't there for gays

my mum quite likes gays my mum wishes we were gay do you know what I mean so that we were like a little bit more like fun so she had a story to tell yeah and so a woman who has

not had a lot of hardship do you know what I mean yeah yeah I'm actually a gay my child's gay you missed this Patsy was all over

Dr. Shawnee yeah I she was humping almost humping was was all over Dr. Shawnee. Yeah. She was humping. Almost humping. Was she humping Dr. Shawnee? And then when we left, she was like. He's a very good looking boy. Let's not discount Dr. Shawnee.

She was like, is he Maori? I was like, yeah, a little bit. But like not worth noting. She was like, those eyes. Yeah, she was all over him. But you guys have nice eyes as well. She wasn't all over you. But he's superior.

He is superior. She was all over. Pantsy was, again, though, Miss LJ Hooker, Lower North Island. All over Dr. Shawnee. Anyway, how do we get here? How are a couple? We're talking about parents. Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa.

I said I wasn't allowed into my parents' room. I found, so the presents I saw were in my stocking the next day and I was like detective I didn't even know about true crime true crime podcast

by then I was like I've put this together he's a genius you motherfucking liars is what I said let's shoot

let's shoot no this is why I'm such a cynical cunt now it's like you lied to me at such an age. Welcome along to our psychological Christmas.

We're breaking down our barriers and we're working out our childhood trauma. This is why. What age would that have been? Five? No, no, no, no. I was like nine when I gave up. Probably like nine or ten. Like eight or nine or ten.

I don't know what it was. The first person that told me okay you got told I got told at school and my mum will still talk about it

because he doesn't he's dumb he didn't figure out until way later I didn't figure out I was a late developer he was 14 I was a late bloomer

no because he was heading off to uni and was like how's Santa gonna follow me should I take a should I take do I need to email him? Hey mum

I know we've got everything sorted now But what do I do about Santa? She's like I'm going to come home for Christmas And then he'll still be here We were told there was a family that were like Weird Full blown Christian But not like Santa Christian

Just like all Christmas is about is Jesus. And they got told super young and so they came to school and ruined it for everybody. Oh, pricks. How when did you get told? Who got told? Shannon, come up to the microphone. Like they

literally just sat you down and said, like you didn't even find out about Santa. Who about your parents yeah i was in like year three year four and my friend came up to me and she's like hon everyone's talking about it everyone knows that it's not real and it's just you oh sweaty and i and then i went home to my parents and i said is santa not real? And they said, we'll go to Nonald's. No joke. Oh, great.

Nonny's. I tell you what, Nonny's. I lived quite far out at that point. I lived in Whitford, which is quite far out. Yeah. East Auckland.

And they drove me for about 45 minutes to a McDonald's. To a Nonny's. And you had no questions on the way because you were just amped about Nonny's. And they said, yeah, no, ain't it real? And then they dropped all of them on me.

It was like Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy. Oh, you had the whole thing. They dropped every one on you? Because they're second tier imaginary childhood thing. Tooth Fairy is like the first to go, right? They were like, if you're being bullied for not knowing one, we got to tell you. Yeah, we got to tell you. But listen, if I'm gullible at 24 i was

gullible yeah she's still falling for that who gets like scammed every weekend you went through i don't even have an account with the bnz but sure here's another toll tunnel okay three more toll tunnels on the road i've never driven? Fantastic. Here's my details and my critic. Mine was I was nine years old and I found in the bin receipts from HBK. What's an HBK? In Lower Hutt in the 90s was a tween brand. Yes. Wait, I'm sorry. There's all my-

Oh, he forgot about the garlic bread. He forgot about the garlic bread. Oh, my God. We're about to find out garlic bread doesn't exist. Maybe half an hour ago that was ready. The Mama Fioralli's garlic bread has been in the oven for about four hours. That shouldn't exist. There's no natural ingredients.

I reckon it's going to be fine. Wait, we're just opening this. Because it was wrapped in tinfoil. We're just opening them. Oh, it's hard. Bang it together. I heard that hit the, oh, my fucking God. James, that was $7.

You owe me $7. That's trash. That teaches them James are buying the shittest garlic bread on the market. Unless, of course, we're sponsored by Mama Fria Rallies, of which I will toe the line and say they are a great company. Yes, yeah, yeah. Great company. Fantastic.

It's margarine, too, by the way, that I'm all about. I'm all about it. I'm okay with that. It's fine. It's good. So, HBK. Todd, is that'm all about. I'm all about it. That's why it's good. That's why it's good. So HBK. Todd, is that okay? Is it still okay?

Is it edible? Nah. Nah. Oh, no, that looks like a painful eat. Yeah. It's like croutons. That's not what I want for my garlic bread. We're not here for a salad.

Yeah, why are we having a salad or a soup? Because I'm not eating this shit by itself. Anyway, my story was I found receipt, I found tags from clothes from HBK and I, in my head, I was like, how does Santa get to

Lower Hutt, Queensgate Mall and go to HBK as if? Yeah. So then I sort of clocked on. You're a smart girl.

Wow, shit. You're a smart girl. Well, that was supposed to be our earliest Christmas memories but then it got overtaken by the fact that we found out how we found out that Santa was, in fact, a myth. Yeah.

I have a Christmas memory of, because in Nelson, we'd always go to Nelson to see my grandparents. No, that's about Nelson in U-L-E-S-U-N. Nelson! Nelson! Oh, my God. We're bouncing New Zealand from Nelson. We went to Nelson.

Nelson. And we'd always go Berry picking And like we'd get Boysenberries and raspberries And you'd just eat Because you'd fill an Ice cream container Like an old tip top container

Yeah And you'd Eat as many Way out on the way out Yeah yeah You'd eat as many as you could And I remember I must have got sick

And on Christmas Eve Into Christmas morning I vombed boysenberries Oh yeah dark. It looked like blood. Dark days. Terrifying vomit. Dark days and that's a really early Christmas memory. Mine was when I was three years old

we still lived in Canterbury and on. Because you're actually people don't know this Arangiora girl. I am Arangiora girl. I was born in Arangiora but I moved to Wellington when I was three years old and that's when my consciousness really started. But you're a Christchurch girl. No I'm not. I'm a Wellington girl. I was born in Rangiora but I moved to Wellington when I was three years old and that's when my consciousness really started. But you're a Christchurch girl.

No, I'm not. I'm a Wellington girl. I live there from three to 26. Yeah. Are you from Christchurch, old money? No, no, no, no, no, no.

They came from Dargaville. Sproused it? Yeah. No, no, no, no. They came from Kawaro and Dargaville. Oh, lovely. Right, okay.

And then I remember having a picnic for Christmas Day and then we moved to Wellington after that. That's my first memory of like a doll and a pram and a picnic blanket and a river, but no detail. James, do you want to feed the fat little fucker? Can you feed the cat, please? Can you please feed? No, not you.

Well, you burned the garlic bread, so I don't know what this fat little fuck is eating. Major Murray Fluffington, please feed the cat. Thank you, James. Thanks, James. Sorry, it's getting like the cat's wandering around. I'm dying of starvation. He's not.

I remember we got a slip and slide, but it was one of those ones with a pool at the end. Oh, fancy. And down the side was you plugged in the hose and it would squirt like water. Yes, I remember those, yeah. Crocodile Mile, I think they're called. Not your standard slip and slow. We got one of those and my granddad bought,

he knew that it was going to be a Christmas present, so he bought a 30-metre retractable hose so it could reach out to the driveway because they had a very steep, not, we weren't on the driveway with the gravel, but we were beside the driveway on the grass. Nice of them to put you on the grass, not the gravel. Yeah, very nice. That was one of my first memories is just screaming down that thing. Yeah, good stuff.

And we always chased the corks whenever they popped. Whenever they popped like bubbles. Did you guys have sparkling grape juice? Yeah. That's what we had at Christmas. There was always, but we were allowed a glass if we wanted it. Of alcohol. Cheap alcohol.

Aquila. What did my mum drink? You've had it before. Aquila. No, not Aquila. Chandon. Pink Chandon. Like Bernardino.

Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff. Great memories of Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. The little bit of pods continue after our Christmas cocktail specials. They'll be way tidier. They'll be a lot more sober.

Yeah, apologies, actually. I won't apologise for the wait. You got quite a bit into the horny Santa story. I liked it. Yeah, yeah. And if you want to head over to my social media, I shall finish the horny Santa story. He's currently between the knees and I'll do a horny Christmas

I'll carry on I think that would pop off I think so too when I was at trauma school one of the things we did was voice over voice we learned about

the power of the voice and the closest of the air so I could do one of these yeah good stuff

and naughty little Santa Claus. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas, everybody. Thank you for listening this year. Merry Christmas. Ka kite anō.