ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 10th April 2024

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

On Today's EXPLICIT Lil Bitta Pod; We continue where we left off yesterday, and also continue reading your responses to our "Where did you get a Ricky Martin?" Phoner!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Little Bitter Pod Great things are brewing at McCafe The perfect start to every day Welcome to A Little Bit of Pod And we will start the pod with a I just did a sneeze and the sneeze was stinky Oh no, I was I sneezed and I can smell it

Well that wasn't going to be the podcast warning But the podcast Oh yuck, look it's all on your shirt That's why I can smell it You're fucking yuck Yuck, you are yuck Oh yuck look it's all on your shirt that's why I can smell it you're fucking yuck yuck you are yuck oh yuck

what I apologise to our listeners now we do that was yuck start today's little bit of pod with a content warning the following podcast

may contain erect penises and talk of talk of erect penises did you see the photos I sent of the man with the world's longest penis into the group chat? I'm sure we did.

It's not a picture of the willy itself. It has to wrap it up. I know, it's a bit ridiculous. Is that elephantitis? I think so. I think it's definitely something. It's a bit ridiculous, isn't it? So yesterday on the Little Bit of Pod,

as we were doing it, we were talking about when you thought we had an overflow. In fact, if you haven't listened to yesterday's Little Bit of Pod you simply must listen to yesterday's Little Bit of Pod before you proceed. So we'll give you time to pause now and go to the other pod. Welcome back.

How was it? Welcome back. And for those who do listen in order as they come out. In chronological order. You've not gone anywhere. We were talking about when you just accepted your fate and you were just waiting to die.

You thought this was it. I'm going to die. And we got a message that said, when my boyfriend first took his pants off before sexy times, I remember saying to myself,

Sarah, this is the moment you die. Jeez. And you texted Kate and I didn't and we're getting married in June. I said,

Sarah, firstly, congratulations. Just reading this text of the podcast. Was it because of the size of the penis or something else? And she said hey guys, massive wang

on her. And that's where we left it yesterday. I said, how big? Are we talking a few Coke cans stacked on top of each other? We chose Coke cans as the sort of global standard of balance. Then we pressed snack Coke cans or normal 330ml. Then we pressed end record.

That is when Sarah messaged back. Just a normal 330 mil. Yeah. Then we pressed end. End record. End record. Yeah. That is when Sarah messaged back. I can't fucking believe this. Is she okay with you reading these out? I mean, it's... I told her it was for the podcast. Oh, okay. All right, yeah.

We don't know his name. Yeah, there's a thousand Sarahs. Brace, Hayley. Brace. Brace for impact. Brace for impact. Let me just send a message of positivity to my cervix. You're good.

I might send one to my bum okay even though it's never had a doodle up it i just feel like if it was gonna go in you it's going on everywhere okay right clench clenching she said breathing i once got him to measure it it measured 11 and a half inches what that's a 30 centimeter look Look at Jared holding a ruler up to his arm. That's like Jared's arm. When I started it at my elbow, it went to just below where my thumb starts. That's ginormous. Ginormous penis. It's as big as my foot.

29.5 centimeters. It's as big as my foot because in Japan, your shoe size is your foot's length in centimeters. We've got that 10 inch phallus in the studio. We had a prop for our live stage show, which was a dilly. A big old dilly. How many centimetres long is that, Willie? It's 10-inch. So it's longer than that.

So it's got four and a half centimetres. No wonder she thought she was going to die. She thought she was going to die. My God. Then I said, so we're talking Coke cans. Just shy of three Coke cans. Standard size Coke cans are 11 centimetres long. But not as wide.

I mean, Jesus, that's like, you're going to die then. I mean, do you want me to ask Sarah now? It's going to be weird because we haven't texted in 24 hours. I feel no. I feel no. If I text her back saying, what's the girth on this? I feel no. Fucking pantsaconda.

Pantsaconda. Pantsaconda. She has to like tuck it in. I thought you meant tuck it into the vagina I was like no I don't think you bend it in half To make it fit I was telling Sade about this last night Now she doesn't have to deal with a penis of that size

Not nearly that size And I'll say it lucky her Because that's what she said She's like where would you put it It would be more of a hindrance Than anything else There's a line I think Everyone's like no there's a line Put it. It would be more of a hindrance than anything else. There's a line, I think.

Everyone's like, no, there's a line. No, it's too big. When it could rip your lungs, it's too big. Do you reckon the line's different for gays than it is straight women? I don't know. Is the anus capable of taking a bigger penis? I don't know, actually. Well, the vaginal canal expands with arousal.

Can I voice message Dr. Shawnee I can just google it Far out Look What can Accommodate Well he's already Started work He'd be seeing patients

I don't want him to answer But you know You see those x-rays Of people shoving Those huge 1.5 litre Things up their butt Yeah It can stretch

Generally speaking Most vaginas And anuses Are able to fit almost all shapes and sizes of penises. Vaginas are an elastic organ, meaning that the walls of the vagina are able to expand when needed and collapse when not. But there's a ceiling. Collapse when not in use. Well, they go like that. But there's a ceiling, isn't there?

Yeah. How big of a penis is too big for a male's anus? Cora. This was asked on respected scientific... Of course it was. Question website Cora. You're doing a quick read. Well, we're in too deep already.

Do you know what I mean? Personally, I've been able to easily fit 14 inches of a dildo. What? In the butt. 15 or 16 inches of a narrower inches of a dildo. What? In the butt. And 15 or 16 inches of a narrower double-ended dildo. My God. They have also been able to get the other dildo plus two of the... Jesus Christ, the ass is not meant for that.

Anyway, we turn our attention now to Ricky Martin's boner, Stiffy. You see why there's a podcast warning here, why there's a warning ahead of this little bit of pod. Today we talked about Ricky Martin, who was grinded up against by some backup dancers on stage and popped a tent. Popped a tent. And it did get us onto the topic,

when did you accidentally pop a tent in public? Get a little shiffy with me. There were so many messages, we barely got to. So funny. Barely got to get it out. Yeah. Before we had to put it away. Yeah. On the show.

Before we had to tuck it into the waistband of the show and carry on. I got a stiffy when I was trying to convince a girl that it was a bad idea for us to sleep together. Oh, well, your body's saying otherwise, my friend. That plan went to hell quite quickly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think that's like a Christian we shouldn't do this we shouldn't do this in the eyes of the Lord he's not watching he's busy

school play Othello it was the Othello death scene Othello dead in the middle of the stage huge boner no

nowhere to hide how do you get a boner on stage during well he was probably with is it Ophelia? Is it Ophelia? Is she a bit hot?

Is she? Yeah, and then they maybe would have rubbed up against each other and then he would have died. And then she would have been like, oh no, dost thou have an erection? I would have died face down. I would have done a roll, like... Yeah, and kind of roll away.

Tuck it in. Do we read out the adjacent text message that came in from the person that needed a poo on the horse tree? Oh my God. I just found this fascinating. I think we should end with that because it technically wasn't in the topic.

It wasn't. It was close. Now, Producer Jared, were you an Othello at school? Uh, no. Or were you an Oddfellow? I wasn't Oddfellow. No, I talked to the person who texts that through on the phone. Oh, did you?

Oh my God, what did they say? I have one question to ask first. Was he a fellow? Yep, a fellow. Was the Othello person you talked to of colour? A person of colour? I didn't ask. Because in Othello they are...

Othello's black. Yeah. And it's like a huge part of the storyline and the text. And often in high schools in New Zealand, they're just played by little skinny white boys. Oh, yeah. The person on the phone was... Flamboyant. Flamboy played by little skinny white boys. Oh, yeah. The person on the phone was... Flamboyant.

Flamboyant. Skinny. Straight up. Yeah. Was the teacher of the production. Like, not the teacher on the stage, but the student was on the stage. They were the teacher.

Oh, how awkward. And, yeah, Othello was flat on their back. Wow, with a big giant stiffy. With a big giant stiffy. Okay. And to their credit, they just wrote it out. That was her quote. Wrote it out.

Terrible choice of words. I mean, once you've died on stage, you can't just suddenly come to life. If you die with a stiffy, does rigor mortis set in? No. Keep it there. Because the blood's got to be pumping. Yeah, but you've got a stiffy. I shoot you in the head.

Well, my heart starts beating, so my blood pressure, everything goes. Does it, though? What happens if you die with a boner? I know you want to die with a big boner, but it's not going to happen. It's what he would have wanted. It's what he would have wanted. They try to shut the coffin lid and they can't because he's got a big stiffy. In men, a more or less complete state of erection of the penis will occur.

It's called a death erection. There is a death erection of the penis will occur with a death, it's called a death erection There is a death erection Yes, it stays and it's called a priapism a death erection. That's how Weekend at Bernie's could do that I don't remember that in Weekend at Bernie's. Oh, I got niche references

Right, there was a bonus thing. Oh wow If you die face down, your blood could conceivably settle in your penis, which creates the appearance of a boner. My partner and I were house-sitting. We invited some friends over and ended up all skinny-dipping in the pool. Post-dip, we were sitting on outdoor couches. One of our friends was sitting talking to his ex-girlfriend,

and when he stood up, accidentally dropped his towel, exposing his excitement from talking to his ex. Don't know if it was more awkward for us or the ex-girlfriend. Yeah. I mean, it's one thing seeing your friend's penis. You don't want to see their stuffy, do you? No, you don't. No. When my husband and I started dating, yes, high school sweethearts, we'd go for walks on the

beach and I wondered why he'd stick his ass out whenever he'd hug me. Turns out he was packing a stiffy and trying to hide it. Oh, bless. Now, is this why you keep your genitals way away from people when you hug them? Oh, yeah, I don't want to accidentally arrest them. You didn't put your genitals near mine. Am I giving you a bonus? He's giving you a bonus.

No, sweetie hon. Oh, why not? Oh, hon. Why not? I'm so beautiful. Why never forget year eight at primary school, we're having the puberty talk in class, and my male teacher told us all about his mate that he had a heart on

at the exact time he went up to accept his graduation award at university. I'll just say, no, I'll just do another year. I'll do my Masters. I'm not, I'm going to do the Masters. Back when I was a horny little 14-year-old, Mum used to drag us to church. Pucked a stiffy during church and then the song started. Mum forced us to stand up.

Jesus definitely looked down on me that day. I'm 34. I'll still avoid a church. No, Mum. I'm sitting for Jesus today. I went to an all-girls Catholic school. For some reason, the head boy of our brother's school was speaking to our full assembly. Poor guy was standing in front of 700-plus girls with a massive boner. Oh, no. You move towns, don't you?

You get your job. You've got to move. Your mom and dad quit their jobs. You've got to move. You've got to sell the house. Full witness protection. You call the FBI and you say, You've got to move. You've got to sell the house. Full witness protection. You call the FBI and you say, I've got to get out of this place. I'm an extreme danger.

I was putting a catheter in for the first time in a male patient with my boss. The male's wife slash partner was in the room watching, which was awkward enough. But once we put the catheter in, we have to put one hand on the shaft. When we put the catheter in, we have to put one hand on the shaft to hold it. You've got to grab it. And then get it in. We couldn't get it in the right place as he kept getting a stiffy. It was super awkward, and my boss and I had to get the male doctor to help us.

When we were out of the room, we were just crippled over with laughter for like 20 minutes. You'd have to be laughing at it. You'd have to laugh. Staying at a hostel in Europe a while back, a few of us were leaving the dorm and noticed as we walked, there was a chap lying on his back, fast asleep, pitching a massive tent with only a thin bed sheet over top of him. He was none the wiser, but we could see the cock. Do you know a guy next to me on a plane in track pants got a stiffy once?

Did he? Did he? Why? Was he watching something? No, he was asleep. Oh, he was asleep? He got a sleeping stiffy. He got a sleeping stiffy.

On a plane? On a plane. This is why all of your genes are on a plane. You always put the blanket over and then the seatbelt. It happened just spontaneously in your sleep. Yeah. Well, you guys might have had plane bonus before. I hope not.

I was in fourth form and I went on a school trip. We were on a bendy bus and I was standing. We went around a corner and I fell into the lap of a poor boy who had never spoke to anybody. And as I hit him, I felt it go hard and I was getting up out of the thing. The poor bastard. Take the compliment, though. You're obviously quite hot. God, I bounced on you.

Up you went. I'm a female financial planner and I was running through an elderly gentleman's investment portfolio with him. And let's just say it wasn't only his portfolio that was rising. Okay, so it was very awkward. The shares are up this week.

Oh, that's good. And so is your... I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding in a satin dress during the first dance with my now husband, who was just an attendee of this wedding, who was then 20. I backed up on him in the satin dress, gave him a little bit of a grind, immediately found his Ricky Martin. Absolutely nothing between you. We couldn't leave the dance floor until his Ricky Martin went down.

But he said the more he thought about it, the more he couldn't stop the Ricky Martin. You'd have to go to the bathroom and just deal with Ricky Martin, you know? Then and there. She bangs, she bangs, and then she's gone. Yeah, you've got to tuck it up under the belt. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, everybody.

It's 70-year-old Linda here. Hi. Linda, we've talked to her before. She self-proclaimed one of our oldest listeners. My adored late husband had Alzheimer's, which I remember her telling us about. That's right. While drying his feet after a shower, he said, what's this? And I look up and he's holding a very generous erection in his hand.

A generous erection? When I replied, darling, it's a hard-on, he said, oh my God, is it? And we both laughed about it for a long time. And poor Mick had clearly forgotten about most things of the past. So he was so gone with Alzheimer's, he didn't even know what an erection was. Yeah, I suppose so. Like, why is my mother doing that? That's sort of sweet, isn't it?

It is sweet. I was at a magic show. What is this? I was at a magic show on a cruise. While watching, my partner had her hand up very high on my thigh. Got me a little happy, but I did not realise how happy I was. Then, of course, I got called up from the bloody audience. Oh, no, no, no, no.

To participate. Again, I guess we're... Witness protection. I'll swim. did not realize how happy i was then of course i got called up from the bloody audience raging boner i noticed quite a few people talking about it and giggling about giggling about it didn't think too much about what made it worse was it was it was cocktail dress night so tight pants were what i went for got back to my seat and my partner informed me that everybody was talking about my huge stiff. He wasn't too bothered, though. Producer Shannon, this wasn't your boyfriend on the cruise doing the magic show, because he does cruise magic shows. No, but do you know what did happen?

I haven't told you guys. Slightly off track, but I know you'll enjoy it. Brendan accidentally got a blind man to shuffle cards for him. What? Yeah, there's a pick card, any card. The blind man's like, just this rectangle one, I suppose. Literally. Okay, now, memorise that card. The blind man's like, just this rectangle on a spot. Literally. Okay, now memorize that card.

Yep, it's a rectangle. What was your card? I don't know. I didn't fucking see it, did I? Yeah, that's it. Great, easy to win that. This is your card. You just take his word for it.

Yeah, this is your card. Trust me. Trust me. Yeah. Well, that's the... Amazing text messages, eh? So funny. So good.

So happy we did. For the first time ever. It's very rare that we do a phone-in topic that we've never done before, Vaughan. We've talked about stiffies a bit. Did you not do that? I don't think we've ever done when did you get a stiffy, though. I think that's a first. That's a first.

Oh, fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah.