ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 14th January 2024

Episode Date: January 13, 2024

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!On Today's Lil Bitta Pod; We hear from you, after asking about your Sex Injuries!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fletchborn and Hayley's Little Bitter Pod Enjoy a refreshing McCafe iced coffee available only from Macca's Great things are brewing The following naughty little poll may not be for younger ears Definitely not for younger ears I'm 42 and I feel like I was just a little bit too young for some of them Fletchborn and Hayley's Naughty Little Poll Naughty

Naughty Naughty Naughty, naughty, naughty Naughty Naughty Naughty Naughty Naughty little I did little, I can't We're going naughty, naughty

He goes little I can't do the friends clap I can't do that, I'm not rhythmic, okay? You are good at other things. And I cannot dance and I'm. Well, well, well. What? Said the spider to the fly.

Wow. I don't know. This one. Shannon. I didn't like to hear you talking negatively. Shannon, thank you. Okay, I'll try to be more positive. You're a lovely boy.

Thank you. He's a lovely boy. With a great potential. Yes. Shannon, thank you. Okay, I'll try to be more positive. You're a lovely boy. Thank you. He's a little liberal. With a great potential. Yes. And a bright future. You're a lovely guy with just a great cock. And from what I've heard

about your cock, lovely as well. I've heard nothing but compliments. A terrible cock wouldn't have that many visitors. Jesus Christ. Okay. Five stars.

Now, Shannon at the social media desk has said this is her favourite. There's 18 responses. The favourite response for Naughty Little Pole today. And the question we asked. Have you had a sex injury? Wow, cool. You're great.

I remember I had that. I went to the Shakespeare camp with the girl who shoved a raw egg up her vagina. And then it cracked and she had to go to the hospital and get all the little egg shell bits removed from her wall. Okay, first question. Why? I think she was a real attention seeker at the time. Yeah, okay. She's a grown woman now, which is funny to think.

Not hard boiled? No. Raw. Raw. So the egg came out but the shell remained. Yeah. And you know how hard it is to get a bit of shell out of your scramble. But you're best to hard boil it, pick the shell off and then pop it in, right?

I would say so, yeah. Our advice to you, listener, is when you are considering inserting a hen's egg into your vaginal canal. With a string. Attach a string and hard boil. We took the shell off. Where's the string going? I would thread it through.

Oh, no, you're just going to tear the egg in half. And then you're going to have to birth an egg. Two halves of an egg. You're going to have to birth two halves of an egg. Twins. Small twins. It's going to be a hell of a situation. But please, if you find yourself in this situation,

remember to squat and go, as it comes out, because you're only going to ever get to do that again. There is also a growing woman out there that's got a good job now. She might be a mother. And at one stage... There is also a grown woman out there that's got a good job now. She might be a mother. Somewhere on her medical records will be the time that she had to visit hospital to have eggshell removed from her interior of her vagina. Did it do any damage? Eggshell's so sharp.

Yeah, because it's sharp. You put it around so slugs and snails can't get to your lettuces. No, I was like 17 at the time. I didn't ask. How old was she at the time? 17. So she's 34. Are you in touch with her?

No. I think we're friends on Facebook. Okay, let's leave it at that because we can't out. No, no, I would never. I just want to ask. Okay. If she's okay.

Yeah, I think she's alright. She's living a good life. Right. I wonder if every time she has an omelette she's like... She'll think of it. I don't think she does eggs. I do eggs to make an omelette She's like She'll think of it I don't think she does eggs

Gonna break two eggs To make an omelette I'm hoping she's vegan Yeah She's giving off Big vegan vibes Did she get a nickname After this

Like Henrietta Scramble Yeah Henrietta's good Chicken little Yeah I think you're famous chickens Yeah

Frittata Frittata Okay Okay We're gonna start Okay let's start We've got a few to get through Frittata Frittata Okay Okay We're gonna start Okay let's start We've got a few to get through The first ones made me choke

Oh no That time of record I'm a little unwell But Jesus Not as unwell as the person Who said it got shanked By his fingernail Was sore for days

More sore than I was From after I gave birth Oh my god Tell me what he What she means by shanked Trim your fingernails Internal shanking Internal shanking I was sore for days, more sore than I was after I gave birth. Oh, my God. Tell me what she means by internal shanking. Internal shanking. Like, we're just talking about the walls. Shanking the walls of your vagina. No, your vagina's like the indoor netball.

You've got to trim your nails. You've got to trim your nails. That's what, with all my lovers, I used to make them go like that and show me their hands and I'd check them. Yeah. And I'd say, good guy. Make sure there's no dirt under there. Who's wing attack?

Wouldn't you like to know? This one's your wing attack wouldn't you like to know this one's your wing attack isn't it yeah that's your wing attack your little pinky okay that's my wing attack yeah I got a horrendous UTI

in some dodgy Italian town and nearly cancelled the whole rest of my trip and flew home ended up in some random Croatian doctor getting all the antibiotics

and ultrasounds always get travel insurance ladies yes yeah horrendous UTI ultrasounds. Always get travel insurance, ladies. Yes. Yeah. Horrendous UTI from some dodger. Would travel insurance pay out if it's a sexual thing?

Yeah, but UTIs can come from multiple things. Yeah, UTIs you'd be fine. So you'd be all right. Yeah. That's actually a very good question for Southern Cross travel insurance. Well, I went to a Turkish hospital and one of the things I had was a UTI. Also alcohol poisoning, but that was a different thing. Right. But that was a Turkish hospital and one of the things I had was a UTI, also alcohol poisoning, but that was a different thing. Right. But that was a Turkish hospital

and that was all covered. Right. UTI though, I reckon, because you can get it from so many ways. Okay, here we go. This is an FAQ somewhere. Standard travel health insurance policies do not provide coverage for expenses

related to the treatment of STIs. Oh, so if you got the clap overseas. Your travel health insurance exists to help you in the event of an unforeseen emergency. That's unforeseen? I didn't know he had chlamydia. Yeah, but you getting dogged on a beach in Thailand is an unforeseen.

Can you not talk about my Thailand holidays, please? If all you're getting after being dogged on a beach in Thailand is chlamydia, then you can please yourself. Head home, get some antibiotics, slap on the back. There you go. But also, you can get antibiotics pretty easy in Southeast Asian countries.

So just get on to that. Somebody else said crack the rib. Well, even though they've changed the time since we went to Thailand and partied on, you can't just go to the pharmacy at one in the morning and get whatever you want. Really? Nah, you can't do that anymore. Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I used to love doing that. Yeah, it's gone. Gone in those days. Antibiotics? Yeah. Contraceptive pill? Cracked a rib says somebody oh my god sexual escapade good lord yeah no word on how they cracked the rib were they doing a cpr role play oh that's hot stuff yeah it could be yeah yeah

you've got to break the rib cage yeah well that's what they say don't they yeah they don't actually do it if you're just role playing Carpet burn on my back I think a lot of people Pray a little bit of carpet burn My friend had carpet burn On her back so bad It got infected It was like this long strip

From being shagged Shagged on the carpet Shagged on the shag pile Shagged on the shag pile And it got infected And it was with her for ages And she got a scar Oh my God.

I know. Like a little like red mark right in the middle of her back. It is weird how when you are in the act, your brain's like, I don't feel pain. Yeah. Or pain is very close to pleasure. Yeah, I know. It can be interpreted as such, can't it? Yeah.

And then when you finish, you're like, oh my God, my legs are jelly. My legs are jelly and my wrists are sore. Yeah. Or you know, because you're hovering. my god my legs are jelly my legs are jelly my wrists are sore yeah well you know because the because you you're hovering we love a missionary not with each other oh no not not us yeah yeah but we're just a huge fan of your traditional mission i've had cramping oh i get cramp yeah no cramp on no i get it in my inner thigh yeah in the calf yeah i get my right in the groin and you're like and you ah! And you've got to, like, because your legs are. Yeah.

Skewer. A kimbo. A kimbo. I dislocated my shoulder doing doggy style. Red's another person. Now, I don't know if they were the dog or the dog-ear. Yeah. The dog-ear or the dog-ear.

The dog or the dog-der. Dislocated my shoulder. Good Lord. Jesus crikey. Dick, I'm sorry to hear that you wouldn't that wouldn't have happened if you were practicing

it would be the one receiving right because your hands on the ground you're getting shaken around a bit and you must have just been

come on you're shoved you forward a little bit shoved you forward this one's we all know somebody his banjo string

snapped oh he had a flame made snapped cleaned off and it bled like a moot apparently so much

blood took a good year to heal oh yeah a friend of mine that had that. Does it mean no playing with yourself for a year? You shut your fucking mouth.

What did you just say? Well, you could play with your bum. You could. It's where your G-spot is. If you're telling me, Vaughn Smith, that if you broke your penis. Two days in. Two days in. Two days in against Dr that if you broke your penis. Two days in. Two days in. Two days in. Against doctors' orders.

Two. Two days in. Well, that's how long it's going to take me to get the suction cup cocked to stick on the wall. Bleep that. Bleep that. Bleep that. Bleep that. I always, when I'm around at your place using the shower, I see the circular mark.

On the window. On the window, yeah. Bleep it. Bleep it. It's just that surgery hangs as loofah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got a really big It's just that That's where he hangs his loofer Yeah yeah yeah He's got a really big loofer That's my suction shower key

Yeah No we're not bleeping that I'm glad we bleeped it We're not bleeping This is wild Okay So I already said this to me Of post bleeping that

Me All those not in favour Of post bleeping I don't give a shit I I do say something Five to six and it's man it's hot in here oh um you are talking and you remember that one day your girls could listen that's it yeah that's it somebody said to me the other day somebody else in radio i even worried

like one day like maybe you'll be dead or whatever and your parents your kids will be like i'm gonna listen to all of my dad's works i'm just like like, I fucking hope not. Did you see recently the actress Susan Sarandon? Yes. She had, I think a meme has been going viral of her with her nungas out. Oh yeah.

And her son came out and said, can you guys just stop using that? No, don't say that. Can the internet stop using my mum's titties? I will say her breasts are perfection. Was it breasts? Yeah, yeah. If that came out of me,

I would be like, oh my God, oh no. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God, how embarrassingquisite breasts. Yeah, yeah. If that came out of me, I would be like, oh my God, oh no. Do you know what I mean? Oh my God, how embarrassing. Yeah. So, yeah. Next up. Banjo string snapped.

We actually had quite a few of those since then. That's a very popular one. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Met a guy doing some sex stuff, fell off the bed, he landed on my foot,

took seven weeks to be diagnosed with a ligament injury and three fractures. Ew. Spent 12 weeks in a moon boot. Kept seeing him for a little bit. Then we stopped. Ended up with an injury-induced arthritis.

Needed surgery to fuse bones in my foot. Then had a reaction to the plates and screws and needed to fuse it. Needed another surgery to remove them after seven months of chronic pain. Was it worth it? Definitely not. We're just going to take a little break and get back to more of these because we've had so many responses. We're going to hear a word from our sponsors who I think would be delighted to be associated

with what has been some of the filthiest things we've ever said. And we're back with more of your naughty little poll responses. These are internet only. Thank you for staying with us.

Podcast only. Thank you for staying with us. We asked, have you had a sex injury? I was on top and lost my balance. Fell off the bed and got stuck

between the bedside table and the bed. Very bruised arm. And it took, because people would say, how did you hurt yourself? How did you bruise your arm? And I'd be reluctant to tell them. People thought it was like a domestic abuse situation. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So it ended up just being like, as soon as somebody asked, I'd be like, it's a sex injury. And that would stop them asking. It wouldn't stop me asking. No, I'd be like, where, what position? How long stop them asking It wouldn't stop me asking No I'd be like Where? What position? How long?

Was it nice? Was it good? Was it worth it? Yeah Was that All it was cracked up to be Can't open that image far We'll come back to that one

Once I was with a girl That was too Go on Go on You can't just stop And make that face Share Or I'll open the email

Once I was with a girl that was too tight for me. See why I just... Is that because she's got a... I yielded. Does she have a medically small vagina or does he have a giant... Wanger. Wanger. Or it could be a terrible combination of the two.

Of both. Of both. Yeah. MSV. I was sore for a couple of days afterwards. Oh, goodness. I also know a friend called Harry that was engaging in it for three hours. And afterwards, the girl had to go to hospital,

and he got a light seeing too as well. With some fishes. Wow. Some light tearing. Good Lord. Far out. Gosh. Good Lord.

I just do hand and mouth stuff Well it doesn't sound like That it would fit in the mouth No but around it Do you know what I mean Predominantly hand With a bit of mouth around it Jesus if you don't have lube

Do you have a bit of canola Like Christ Not all of them No let's not go to the pantry Pantry oils are not for the bedroom. No, and they stain the sheets. Someone suggested that once. I was like, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. We're not using Pam's olive oil at all. There's nothing wrong with Pam's. I've only got chili oil. Hurt my back having some alone time the other night. Not anything adventurous just moved wrong. Hey, welcome to being over 35. Yeah.

Yeah. Good on you for self-pleasuring. Yeah, it is important to take the time. Why won't that file open? Shannon, 8-9 won't open. Shannon. Shannon, please read out 8-9. Shannon, coming to you for 8-9.

8-9 won't open, Shannon. 8-9 won't open. Shannon. I'll see if I can open. It's 9-3. 9-3-8-9-9 Now who's got chapstick On the corners of their mouth I think Jared was implying

That's what they'll need It helps to take a big willy Because I had just applied Not chapstick And I just applied Lip balm And so Hayley and I Are both just like

Do we have it on the corner Of our mouths But no you're saying That with a massive Wanger You'd need chapstick On the corner of your mouth Yeah like when you go To the dentist Sometimes a nice dentist Puts chapstick on Or when you dribble, you're saying that with a massive wanger, you'd need chapstick on the corner of your mouth. Yeah, like when you go to the dentist, sometimes a nice dentist puts chapstick on.

Or when you dribble when you're asleep, you wake up and you've got that crack. Oh, yatch. 9389. Yeah, 9389. Yeah, I've got one. Okay, read it out, please. Well, now it feels weird for me to read it. 9389 was the alone time. You read it. No, no, so the next one after that is got dropped in the shower, claimed ACC.

Oh, wow. Oh my god, what do you run in the ACC form? You is got dropped in the shower, claimed ACC. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. What do you run in the ACC form? You don't write you were dropped. You just slipped in the shower, right? You don't say you were having naughty times. Yeah, while I was straddling a mountain of a man. Don't pick someone up on a slippery tiled area.

Oh, I know. Make sure they've got at least three points of contact. The only time I will engage in, you know, mounted shower sex is when you have that octopussy sucky mat from the hotel. You know that? The slippy mat. Actually, you should put the handles in your shower.

Because your shower's tiled head to toe. That's why, I was going to say, check into a hotel, always get the accessible room, but then accessible people miss out. Yes. But yeah, just be careful. You don't want to be in an ACC end of year statistic. I know.

Safety class. Not me, my partner. I got one of those tiny bullet vibrators and had an intrusive thought. As a man who battles with intrusive thoughts, I've got to say, you've got to learn to fight your intrusive thoughts better. Like opening the emergency exit on a plane. Yeah, yeah. Or putting your fingers in a fan. Like stuff like that.

Yes. You're like, oh, I wonder if I can stop that fan with my fingers. I wonder if I can hurt. Yes. Just, and had an intrusive thought and just went straight inside of her with it. Lost my grip and couldn't get it out. Oh, shit. It's on, by the way, and in.

Right. Get the tongs out. If you can't get it out, is it past the cervix? You've gone too far. Panic set in and we tried everything. It took 30 minutes before we were able to fish it out. Do not recommend. You know those little mini tongs with the silicon caps?

That would be perfect, I reckon. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. A lot of women listen to this because it's actually quite easy sometimes to lose track of a tampon. Is it? Yeah, and sometimes you've got to get involved. That's why, because you use that quite thick rope on your tams.

I do. Yeah, he doesn't have a string, he's got a rope. Yeah. His tampon... It's a hemp woven. No, yours are those battle ropes

that you use at F45. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just cut a bit, cut a bit. He's got two, but before he kicks out he likes to do the double arms. You'd be a fool not to.

Get a little bit of a try and buy workout in there. Okay, who else? Who else have we got here? Let's wrap it up some of these. Wrap it up. There's so many more. A guy I was seeing, we were changing positions, and I accidentally booted him in the balls.

He went white and vomited. He went white and vomited. Be very careful around the genitals. When did we talk about, share a story of someone getting, when they're slipping, a bit of slippage rammed right in the perineum? Oh, goodness. That'll bend a penis. I put my hands, he put my hands over my head and held me down,

but tore a ligament in my wrist doing so. Oh, hot though. Hot move from him. Kind of a hot move. Hot move. We've got some horned up, dangerous ass listeners? Yeah. My head hit a cement wall and I got a concussion and a giant egg on my forehead.

Boom. What sort of force is he hitting you from behind? Wait, what did they do with the egg? No, it's a giant egg. Oh, a bruise. A giant egg sized bruise. We're full circled back to an egg. Back to an egg.

Gosh. Good God. Okay. Two more. Two more. Two more. We're full circled back to an egg Back to an egg Good god Two more My husband fractured both of his shins Sorry? How hard My husband fractured both his shins From leveraging off the wooden bed frame So much so

His bones kept repairing and rebuilding Now he has a distinct bump on both shins So he was On the regular Leveraging off the bed frame Against the shins Like I said the brain doesn't register pain When you're in your pleasure zone

Yeah goodness It's probably all just rocking into his pleasure zone So much so Over and over and over The bone grew a little bump My goodness Overuse fracture Oh god

Oh god No My god Oh I can think The last one was actually The bone grew a little bit. My goodness. Overuse fracture. Oh, God. No. My God. Oh, I can think. The last one was actually not me, my partner, with the bullet vibrator situation. That was great.

That was great. Thank you so much for your responses and your honesty. I would just say be safe out there. Yeah, be safe. It's a wild world.