ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 21st October 2024

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

On Today's Lil Bitta Pod; Vaughan had a very confronting doctor's appointment... *Content warning!*See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Fleshborn and Hayley's Little Bit of Pod. Treat yourself to McCafe coffee with my Macca's rewards. Welcome to A Little Bit of Pod. The following podcast contains the term sex-ready dick. So if there are young ears listening. So it may not be suitable for young ears. It's mostly medical.

It's mostly medical. It's mostly medical, but there is... Yeah. So... SRD mentioned. Young ears, please tune out now. Now, today's little bit of pod, I've written a timeline. Oh, here we go.

It's a complicated story because this is the story of when I went to the doctors this week for my sore testicles. Yes. Do we mention your sore testicles? I did mention one morning when Hayley was away that I had a weird dull pain in my testicles. They were aching for me. Oh, God, yes. They were yearning for my presence. I don't know.

Your balls missed me more than you did. Imagine if you missed someone and that was how your body, like your balls ached for them. My partner's away. Oh, my balls ache. But he wouldn't stop going, oh, I've got a sore ball. Yeah.

But I said it was weird. It wasn't the ball. And I'm a regular checker for testicular cancer, lumps and stuff. I started checking my breasts now that they're soft enough. Everybody should. Now that they've lost a lot of density, I can really feel for lumps. Lumps would stick out I think you should

I've got a mate Who got testicular cancer At the start of this year It's a hell of a thing Are you drawing a testicle there? Yeah I'm drawing a ball You've drawn a ball

With hair on it Unrealistic That's the sack That's the sack Very round sack Yeah yeah yeah Very circular Monoball there

Just the one ball in the sack I'll come in here With another one There we go How's that? They need to be linked. That looks like a butt. A big hairy butt cheek.

It looks like two kiwi fruits. Yeah. What is that little diddle at the top? Jesus. Okay. Yeah. Your ball to diddle ratio is so off. I said I was going to give it a little while because I thought I might have like slept

on them funny or twisted them. I have had like a twisted ball before and it does hurt, but it goes away after a few days. Do you remember that time I sat on a ball funny in the cycle class? And I stood up to laugh at him and then I sat down on a flat and so off we went. It was immediate karma. It was.

I was like, I'm going to give it a little bit and I gave it like a week and then I was like, nah, I'm going to go to the doctor about this. Good for you. Good on you. We ignore issues down there for too long. We shouldn't. We shouldn't. We shouldn't. We shouldn't ignore these things.

The amount of times I've told a doctor to swab an ingrown hair. She's like, it's an ingrown hair. I can see the hair in it. Swab it! What for? Like herpes or something. Oh. Yeah.

You never know. Where are you going to get it from? I'm talking back in the day. Oh, back in the day. Anytime you get an ingrown hair, you'd be like, well, here it is. Here's the herpes. Well, this is a lovely country to have herpes in, according to this ad campaign. Reducing the stigma of herpes.

Because literally, everyone's got it. So, I booked it, and I was surprised that they said you were getting an appointment tomorrow, because people were talking about the long waiting lists and stuff. Is this a regular doctor or a new one? No, I've been to this doctor once. Oh, yeah. Or twice. Right.

For different things. One of them was when we were going away somewhere and we needed to get a health check for something. Oh, no, it was when we were jumping out of the back of the Air Force plane. That's what it was. We needed a medical. We needed a heart attack in the ear. That's what it was.

So maybe that was the last time. And sometime over COVID, I think I went to them for a sinus infection. Right. Here's my whole medical history. So maybe that was the last time. And sometime over COVID, I think I went to them for sinus infection. Right. Here's my whole medical history. So I booked, and they said, this is where the doctor, and I didn't recognize the name. And the name, I told you guys the name,

and we couldn't decide if it was a male name or a female name because it was like Dutch or something. And we weren't sure. So I didn't know. You were unsure who you were getting a Dutch rudder from. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Well, technically, that's where I would hold it, but they'll do the movement. Oh, yeah.

I don't actually know what a Dutch rudder is. I just know it's a thing. So, I went to an appointment. I'm so innocent. You are so innocent. Nothing but missionary. I went to the appointment. I went to the front desk.

I said, hello, Vaughan Smith here for an 11.15 appointment. Lovely. And I was there at 10 past 11. That's perfect time for arrival. Yep. Yep. Because they always leave you waiting, so you don't want to be too early for the dog race. Now I'm sitting

in there and I'm playing my game on my phone and I hear one of the ladies in reception say, and I think that should be fact of the day to one of the other receptionists. And I looked and she was looking at me and she waved. She's like, we're just over here singing your praises. I was like, oh that's lovely

that the people who are about to read the report about my balls know who I am. Oh, yeah, I love that when I get my colonoscopy and they ask me about you guys. Yeah. How are the boys? And then they ask real questions when you're under. You're under.

So then I go in, or no, then I vaughan and I look up and the doctor is female. But I don't give a shit. I find it's weird if you've got a medical problem, you're going to go, I prefer a man doubt with these balls. I prefer a female on a pap smear. I can understand that. But I've had male gynecologists who do more intensive stuff

than just reggae pats. As a pap smear can be done by a nurse? It can be done by anyone. Right. And a back of a van at a market. Boyfriend. You guys. Me. And then back in the van at a market. Boyfriend? You guys? Me.

Well, you asked me and I tried. I think it looks all right. So then I go in and I sit with the doctor and she's like, what brings you in today? And I just straight up say, I've had a weird floating pain. Sometimes it's down by the testicles. Sometimes it's more up in the abdomen above it. Yeah. And she's like, well, that makes sense because that's where it joins.

The cords. And then I learn when we're babies, when we first start forming, the testicles are up inside us. Almost kind of like. Oh, my God. Whereabouts? Up where the ovaries sit for women. And then they begin their.

And that's why you might hear that a baby hasn't. The testicle hasn't descended. Yeah. Right. Ascended testicle. Right. Sometimes they'll leave it for a while. But if it doesn't come out, they got't descended. Yeah, right. They've got an ascended testicle, I think they call it sometimes. They will leave it for a while, but if it doesn't come out, they've got to get it out before it. Like what?

Pull it out. Yeah, I had a boyfriend that had that. Pull it back out. What, a ball inside of himself? A ball stuck up inside of himself. How old was he? When he? I think he was a kid when it happened, but every now and then it would go back up.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Well, like when it gets cold. Yeah. You know when you get cold And you shrink a little bit So then she said Would it be right

If I examined you Okay And I said, well, that's what I came for Yeah I said, I'm not shy about the fact That, you know I've been thinking about this For a few days

That's fine Gotta get some eyes on these things So I started taking off my pants Yeah What, did you take off your shoes? I took off my boots Yeah And I started taking off my pants

And she's like, oh You can leave them on when you get up on the table just take them down just below the area you don't need to get totally undressed I was like ah okay

so I jumped up on the table she didn't want to see your ass or anything probably not that would be a separate appointment she got up for 15 minutes she locks the door she said

I'll just lock this because sometimes they don't even knock around here they just come in oh my goodness so I was like okay cool and then she examined and... Wait, did she...

Now the questions start. You go. Did she let out any kind of audible gasp when she saw your dick for the first time? No. Okay, that's a good sign. Okay, my question. When you sat down on the table...

No, I lay down on the table. Oh, you lay down. And I pulled them down like that. Oh, okay. Because I was like, did you scoop the dick and balls and then make sure that it was sitting above the thighs? Yeah. I kind of lay down, I lay back, I pulled lay down. And then pull them down like that. Oh, okay. Because I was like, did you scoop the dick and balls and then make sure that it was sitting above the thighs? Yeah.

I kind of lay down. I lay back. I pull them down a little. I just spread the legs a little bit. Yeah, okay. Makes sense. She can pull them up if she wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or leave them where they are. That's great. Or. Now, does she get tongs or anything? No, she put on rubber gloves. Okay. She put on rubber gloves and she was feeling around and she was like, yeah. Did she move the dick out of the way?

To the side. It's not a It's not a big problem But it's there It's not a It's probably just Retracted a little Took care of itself Yeah right

Yeah Just kind of sticking Out of the way Yeah yeah yeah It's very polite It would get out of the way It would shuffle to the side She feels around

And she says Oh yeah No Oh yeah it's nice Everything down here is nice Nice and smooth And I was like She must have and she says oh yeah it's nice. Everything down here is nice. Nice and smooth. And I was like she must have seen my face. And she's like I mean you know no lumps or anything. No lumps to be

concerned about. She's got a nice smooth ball sack. I didn't shave my balls to go in. No but you said that they were halfway towards needing a trough. Yes. Okay. So they weren't out of control but they weren't like freshly done Crudely done

Sade said you can't do it fresh That'll be weird if you're rocking With a little boy With a sex ready dick I was thinking more looking like a baby Yeah More looking like a baby Than having a sex ready dick

I think we better go back and do a content warning for this so I was all medical apart from that part oh sorry so then we finish up

and she's like I'll ask you some questions and she said so you said you've got a wife I was like yep and she's like have you been sexually active

outside of your marriage I said not for 20 years I said we're hardly active inside the marriage like a little bit of a joke a little bit of a joke. A bit of banter.

She kind of like smiled. She liked that one. And then she said, what about your wife? And I said, well, she isn't telling me about it if she is. Bah. A bit of banter. And then I was like, no, I don't believe so. Because you've got the camera feed, don't you?

Yeah, constantly. But I've said this before. When I used to get pap smears and stuff, they'd always do an STI check. No matter if you're in a relationship, which is like the amount of times. I know, it happens so much. You talk to friends that are doctors and they say it happens all the time.

People are like, no, of course not. And then, boom, that's why. You've got chlamydia, so explain that. Someone's rung it home. So then she's like, well, we'll do a urine test. Can you wee now? And I'd literally gone to the toilet just before I went in because I hate being in a doctor's appointment

and needing to go to the toilet. Oh, yeah, especially when they're jiggling around there. Yeah, so I said, I can't. And she's like before I went in because I hate being in a doctor's appointment and needing to go to the toilet. Oh, yeah. Especially when they're jiggling around there. Yeah. So I said, I can't. And she's like, I'll show you how to do this. Take this home. I can always squeeze out a little bit of piss.

Well, she said, I don't need much. Right. Yeah, just. And I was like, oh. Because then it also had to be midstream. They don't want the first bit. Yeah. A little clean out, I guess.

The pipe needs a clean out. Have you never done a urine test? I've never done a urine test oh my god i've done so many i used to do them like fortnightly when i was a kid before my kidney thing i had to chase my daughters around when they were babies and they like for a urine test yeah yeah leave their nappy off and chase them and they look like they're about to pee and you just jump on the plastic cup and collect it so i'd never done it i said oh yeah i'll take that to the labs later. And then on the way out, I was like, oh, thanks, thanks, and walked out. So she was like, no immediate.

No, she said it's not like there's no blood anywhere or like no visible sign from the outside. She's like, it could just be an aggravated. Didymus? Pipe. Pipe. You got didymo. Got didymo and didymus.

Always clean your boats. Yeah. Also that clean your boats and your water gear. So then on the way out, I must say, I wasn't feeling awkward or anything. I was just like, oh, I came to the doctor for a solution and hopefully this is it. Yeah. And got a prescription of antibiotics and some painkillers and stuff. And then on the way out, a lady in reception stopped me to tell me how much she loved the show.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She said. So after a fresh ball handling. how much she loved the show. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She said- After a fresh ball handling. Yeah, the first person that's not shut out to touch my balls in 20 years. Yeah.

I get a nice ball fondle and then a beautiful compliment followed up. Oh, that's lovely. She loved the show, so that was all good. Yeah. And then I got outside and realized I hadn't taken my prescription, so I had to go back and sort that out.

Yeah. Now I was in the pharmacy. I was like, I need to go wheeze. Oh, okay. Quickly, quickly. It hit me. The lab's just a little bit down the road, so I had to go back and sort that out. Now I was in the pharmacy. I was like, I need to go wheeze. Oh, okay. Quickly, quickly. It hit me. The lab's just a little bit down the road so I went down, toddled down there.

I said, I'll be back for my prescription in a minute. I toddled down there. Never done a urine test before. I said to the lady, is there a room that I can use to do a urine test? She's like, of course. The toilet. We've got a toilet.

It's all set up. Now listen, I go into the toilet and having never done it, there's instructions behind the toilet. The toilet also had this thing, this little thing that held the plastic tub. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do them all the time.

I can't believe you haven't. So how do you as a sitter wear use that tub? I would only ever use the little one because I'm an expert. Oh, the little potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're straight to the jar, man.

Oh, you don't get a potter. I got a plastic tub. Yeah, the tub. And a vacuum syringe. What do you call it? Yeah, you can just hold it. A squeezer. Yeah, pipette.

No, it wasn't a pipette. It's a vacuum like they do with the blood when they're taking a blood sample. It goes. A little syringe. Suck your blood out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but it was for wheeze. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the tray you just kind of scoop underneath between your legs. Start peeing and then stop, jump up, put it there, pee a little bit. Okay. Yeah. Here's the instructions. Men, wash hands. Two, pull foreskin back, if applicable. Not here.

Not applicable. That was taken care of. Okay. Have urine container ready. Pull it back. Pass a small amount of urine into the toilet. Do not collect any in the first part of the urine. Pass a small amount of urine into the toilet Do not collect any in the first part of the urine Pass a small amount of urine into the container

So that the middle part of the urine is collected Six, pass remaining urine into the toilet Seven, this is, now this blew my mind Put foreskin back in place What, the foreskin, what is it? Does it stay retracted? And now we move to our foreskin. Maybe.

I mean, it depends how tight it is. It would slowly unfold its way down. Step seven. Put foreskin back in place. I was like, well, you're 42 years too late. It's gone. It's well gone. It's gone.

I can't believe it. I mean, it depends if you've got a big old slug. Or if you've got a, yeah, a turtleneck. Does it sit behind the head and you have to put it back? But then some guys might have trouble pulling it back if it's really tight. Yeah, or if they've got a bigger head. I knew someone that had the tight foreskin and as an adult they had to get a circumcision, a medical circumcision. Oh, really?

As an adult. As an adult. Oh, no thanks. Yeah, I've got a friend that got an adult... Circe? Circe. Yeah. For Jewish reasons.

No, married into the Jewish faith. Oh, no, you couldn't lose that after years and years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just be like, no thanks. Learning how to... Would you lie? Could you just be like, yeah, it's gone. We did it.

Show us. I'd rather not. What, a perv? What do you want to see my dick for? It's gone. Trust me. It's gone. Trust me.

Trust me on this one. And then if she's a true Jewish princess, she won't have seen one before. Yeah, exactly. There you go. That's actually what this was. It looked like. Yeah, that's it removed. Yeah, that's it gone.

What's all this bit? That's just growing back. It does that. Growing back. Get it done every six months. So then I go the ways in the container and then kind of balance that on the top of the toilet and then put the lid down and start putting on the toilet. And I put the straw in there and it fills up the tube.

And that's when I see on the wall another diagram that says, do not fill past this mark. And I've filled it way past the mark. So you've got to squirt some out. So I take the lid off and, you know. Wait, it's not a tube that already has liquid in it. Oh, yeah, like a blood vial. Yeah, and it automatically just, it's a a tube that already has liquid in it oh yeah like a blood vial yeah

and it automatically it's a vacuum seal yeah and so I go and I just want to tip a little bit out but you know like in a syringe

you're like I'm just going to tip a little bit out but they're not holding much yeah so I tip it out and I look and I'm like

oh no there's only the tiniest bit of wee in the bottom so I'm like oh god I've tipped out too much I'd followed the steps oh god so I put the lid on wait and you'd already tipped your wee's out I t So I'm like, oh God, I've tipped out too much. I'd followed the steps. Oh God.

So I put the lid on. Wait, and you'd already tipped your wees down? I tipped the wees out. Oh no. Oh no, amateur. What a mess. I tipped the wees out. Only tip the wees down when you're ready to go.

So I tipped, I was like, oh no. And I went back into reception and I said, I was holding up my little, my little piss tube, which is a tiny bit in the bottom. And I said, is this enough wees? What, in front of everybody? Well, I didn't even notice there were other people in the waiting and i said is this enough wheeze what in front of everybody well i didn't even notice there were other people in the waiting room because i was so like what if i have to do this again and i was like is this enough wheeze because i put the sticker on and everything yeah for another sticker yeah and she said to me um she looked at me so confused and she's like

yeah that's enough and i was like oh okay here you go She's like Pop it in the bag In the thingy Yeah don't fucking Raw dog it Oh for god's sake There's a door at my one And you pop it in the door Yeah same Yeah So I put it in the bag And gave it to her

And turned around And everybody in reception Was just looking at me like Is this your fucking first time And I was like It was It is And I said as I walked out

It's my first time How have you gone this long I don't know Oh my god But it was a whole thing And they said No news is good news So if I don't hear from

them. I hate that though. That's good. Well yeah, a lot of the doctors place you long on and you can see your results when they come through. I've got to get me one of those. Good luck. Keep us informed. Absolutely. I feel like we should have been there to hold your hand. Oh, I know. I'm proud of you though. I mean not to see the balls and stuff.

No, I did great. I thought I did okay Yeah Could have been a lot worse Yeah Yeah How are they today? Still not great Okay

But better Okay Better than yesterday Let's keep on those antibiotics Yeah Are you allowed to drink? I will do a whole course I did Google that

Classic New Zealanders So literally it was like the name of the antibiotics was something and I literally typed in the first three letters of it and it said so and so, can you drink on these? I'll tell you all right?

Okay. Okay.