ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 22nd October 2024

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

On Today's Lil Bitta Pod; Hayley reveals the story that bombed her comedy set...See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Fleshborn and Hayley's Little Bit of Pod. Treat yourself to McCafe coffee with my Macca's rewards. Welcome to A Little Bit of Pod. As I open my mouth to share this, I don't know how much of it I'm going to reveal. Okay. Not that I... Okay, listen, alright.

I did a gig in Palmy over the weekend. Yeah. And I think the gig went well. It was really good. It just did 30 minutes to a crowd in Ashurst. It was part of actually a school fundraiser. Oh, okay. And mixed crowd, rural folk.

Yeah. Maybe not my general go-to audience. Office girlies are normally your office bitches we call them yeah yeah basic office bitches are my new crowd and they lap up every word i say and so i saw this crowd and i was like i wonder how they'll go and i i you know it's almost too late at that point to sort of change your material or you know try to yeah right and a crowd i guess like it's a fundraiser, so everyone and anyone is there. Everyone, a real mixed bag.

There were some old marching girls from Leisure Marching there. There were some young office bitches. There were some of my crowd there. Yeah. Some older gentlemen, some rural folk. Interesting mixed bag. Right. And I think the gig went fine considering.

I mean, you guys know my material. It was sort of a mix of my last two shows, and I was like, okay, that was fine. It went fine, but I definitely lost him on one story. And I even saw a gentleman, probably my parents' age, in his 60s, towards the front, who diverted his eyes at one point and just sort of went like, ew. He went, ew.

Now, this is probably an older man, rural setting. He probably has birthed cows. He's seen all of nature's grimmest stuff what on earth could you say to disgust an old boy who famously when they go out love to flirt with hot young things such as yourself well this is the wow thank you so much you've got it i really needed that today to confirm that i look great um well here's the thing is I went out for a pint of Guinness with Ben, my friend, who was running the gig beforehand. And we were chatting just as mates and telling stories of days gone by. And I told him a story.

And he was like, fuck, that is so funny. Have you ever done stand-up about it? I was like, no, I haven't. And he was like, oh, my God, you should. It's such a funny story. So I just sort of chucked it in willy-nilly unpracticed unstructured on that night you decided to test new material on a rural crowd yeah yeah of old mates it wasn't material like a crafted joke it was just a yarn like a funny story that i thought was funny right and it just wasn't

funny i fucking lost them oh just tell it doesn't matter yes please okay i want to know what this was okay my mom will be, why are you sharing this? It's because I'm not. It's just like it happens to people. Right. But are you going to do it like it's stand-up like you did? No. No.

I'm just going to tell you the story because the stand-up didn't work. And this is why I'm telling the story here because I'll never make it into stand-up again. Okay. Okay. I don't know. Fuck. Whatever. Okay.

When I was single and I had some fun, right? And I one night had slept with this person and that was fun. That was fine, whatever. And as part of the story, a detail I think that is really important for the story is when I slept with him on a couch, Whose Line Is It Anyway was playing in the TV. What was the line up on whose line is it anyway? Ryan Stiles is there.

Who do you think it was? Ryan Stiles is there. Colin Mochrie is there. Colin Mochrie was there. Wayne Brady was there. Wayne Brady was there. And then some other guy. I find it a little bit hard

to maintain an erection with. Was it Drew Carey hosting or the woman that took over? Drew Carey. Oh, we're talking years ago. Classic line up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greg Proops.

Greg Proops might have been the fourth member. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so like whatever. That's all fine and then uh a couple of weeks later i um i don't even know if i've told you this story before a couple of weeks later i was up in auckland i was doing some uh work and this is where i lived in wellington yeah and i was doing some work and i was driving and if you know New Zealand particularly if you know Auckland

I was driving along K Road which is full of either homeless people homosexuals drag queens or sex workers and I mean I wouldn't say that

that wouldn't say only I mean I lived near K Road for like 10 years per capita they were represented very well in the area. Sure, yes. But it's eclectic.

It's being gentrified now. I know. Yeah, no. Bring back the spicy old days of K Road. Particularly the working ladies. And I was driving along I was driving along the road

and I got a phone call and it was from this person that I had slept with on the couch, while Whose Line Is Anyway is on, to inform me that he had an STI. Oh, okay. Well, that happens. It happens. It happens. So when I took the phone call, I thought, this is before I had a 1992 Mitsubishi Mirage. There was no Apple CarPlay so I couldn't

be on my phone and so I said oh hang on a second I'm just going to pull over. So I pulled over to the side of K Road where I took the phone call where this gentleman informed me that I should go and get checked because he has discovered that he has an STI.

And I while I was on the phone receiving this information, being like, oh, God, this is really inconvenient. I'm not at home. I've got to go to the clinic, da-da-da-da-da. A lady opens up the side of my car and gets in, a working lady. And I'm on the phone being told that i possibly yeah she doesn't just inquire she just gets in she gets into my passenger seat while i'm on the phone being told that i may have chlamydia and what's not to love about this story and she sort of gives me a bit of a face.

And I was like, to this guy, hang on a second. And I said, can I help you? And this sex worker was like, can I help you? And I was like, well, no. And she was like, I saw you see me and pull over. And I said, oh, no, no, i've i've pulled over to take a phone call and she was like oh so you do do you not want to do anything and i was like no i'm riddled with i said to her and trust me you don't want to sleep with me and then she left the car

anyway that's the end of the story wait at which point did this old man ooh the story when i mentioned i then when i mentioned that a sex worker got into my car as i was being told i had chlamydia and he just i think the word chlamydia he was just like i think he was doing that because you know when it hit too close to home same things happened to him and he wanted to distance himself from the rumours. Oh, so he's being outward of his disgust. He was like, oh, imagine that happening. Either that or he was coming along to this gig to see you,

hoping you'd be that same gentle lady that's on the bake-off. Who hosts the bake-off. Who hosts the bake-off. Yeah, and here I was with a sex worker in my car being told that the person that I had slept with on a couch, while here I was with a sex worker in my car being told that the person that I had slept with on a couch while whose line is it anyway was playing in the back crying,

here's chlamydia and then I should go get tested. I think we talked about it. I had the same thing. I had a call. I pulled over on Manchester Street when I was in Christchurch. Oh, which was the street.

Yeah, and then someone banged on the window and I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. But I love that this was well over 10 years ago,

like 15 years ago. I love that she just got in. Yeah. I mean, I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone. But I love that this was well over 10 years ago, like 15 years ago. I love that she just got in. Yeah. I mean, maybe that was the way. Maybe that was the code. I've had a knock on the window just off K Road. It was because I didn't know where to park. We were going to a place on K Road

and I didn't know where to park. So I pulled over to again text someone to be like, where do I park? Yep. And knock, knock, knock. But that was different because you actually got a handjob that time. Yeah, Jesus. I'll tell you what, best 15 bucks I ever spent. Once or in the car.

Yeah. It's rude not to. Leave empty handed. Now I had the cash rattling around in the drinks holder and annoyed me. I'm gonna jump some coins for a handjob. I've got a 20, I've got a 20 and that's 40. Open the glove box. That peanut slab's all yours.

At the end. I'm not prepaying a peanut slab. No, you don't prepay the peanut slab. That's a bonus. Oh, that's an addition. Yeah, totally. And leave the glove box open, love. We might need those wet wipes.

Holy shit.