ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 26th February 2024

Episode Date: February 25, 2024

On Today's Lil Bitta Pod; Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley continue to read out the plethora of texts they received during our "What'd you Learn during Sex Ed?" Phone-In topic!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Fleshborn and Hayley's Little Bit of Pod Great things are brewing at McCafe, the perfect start to every day Welcome to A Little Bit of Pod and as mentioned or teased on the live radio show today in the Big Pod, we ran out of time to read all of the funny stories that we had reminiscing of your sex ed at school So we've got some left over text messages. I've scrolled right back down to the start.

You also dug up an old schoolmate. So I was going to say... Yeah, I buried him and I've got to move the body. I killed him as a young boy. No, I was going to say his name as I recalled it. And I googled his name, first name and last name, as I recalled it. I was bang on, found him straight away,

and the dude looks exactly the same as he did in 1993. Yeah, it's so funny. He's aging quite well. Oh, is he? He's aging. Fuck, he had a hair. Oh, fuck, he had a hair. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Son of a bitch. You've got a wonderful beard. Thank you. And such a great charisma. Didn't sound like she meant it. No, it didn't really. You're a lovely, lovely boy. And just a great man.

It's a lovely t-shirt. He's such a good freckle spread and lovely. Look at that button nose. Now, I doubt he has a nose as cute as that. He doesn't. He's got a big honker. There you go. So he in Intermediate, so the last year of Intermediate,

when we were having a light sex ed with our teacher, Ms. Cameron, who was kind of a bitch, but now, thinking back, she was hot. Okay. And so maybe she was one of those hot people that could get away with being a bitch because she was hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know those people. I wonder what happened to her. There a bit of a bit of me there right yeah you are a

bitch but you know you can get away with that because you're so hot because you're so hot yeah exactly and he she said at the end of the thing any questions now you know you don't ask questions well you certainly didn't then because if it was a dumb question you'd probably get a new nickname out of it yes dumb dumb yeah so but also everybody's so petrified in those classes. You're just like, ugh. I know. It's all comfortable. So she said, any questions before we finish?

Hand goes up. Yeah. And it's this guy. It's this guy. And he said, and I've remembered the nickname he got out of it, so I'll share with you at the end. He said, I'm wondering, because sometimes I'll get a stiffy. Now that immediately everyone was like, I'll get a stiffy,

but it's just because I need to go wheeze real bad. Yeah. It's like the shaft is filled up with urine. And the teacher was like, I'm not sure. I will have to ask someone, but thank you for asking the question and I'll get back to you. Okay. Now, his name was Richard,

which, of course, you can short to Dick. Oh, yeah, yeah. So his nickname was Stiffy Dick. Stiffy Dick. And then he left. I don't know if he left the school because of the Stiffy Dick sitch. Yeah.

Or it was just a coincidence. Well handled by that hot bitch teacher. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm not sure. I'll go find some more information. Poor guy just had a... He couldn't Google it because this is pre-Google. Pre-Google, pre-Google. We had Encarta.

No, we didn't even have Encarta 95 because it was 1994. We might have just had Encarta. I don't think Encarta you could look up. Stiff dick. Key word, stiffy dick. Stiffy dick. Stiffy dick, not arousal. Not arousal.

Not due to arousal. Morning boner. Just a morning boner, isn't it? Yeah. There was some other messages in. We put tampons in water and watched them expand. A lot of boys got wildly uncomfortable and had to leave the room. Grow up.

That was amazing. I was like, I had a lot of questions when we did that. I was like, does it get that big inside? And the teacher was like, well, it goes through as much as it can and catches it. I was like, amazing. I was fascinated by it. Warden Payne has to put condoms on. Funnily enough, only the girls were taught to put the condoms on.

What? Yes, that's our job. You sit back. What? Right. I assume I've just received my fellatio. Yeah. Now I'm going to enjoy some missionary and you will, of course,

sheathe the sword. Sheathe me, woman. I think everybody should know you will, of course, sheet the sword. Sheets me, woman. I think everybody should know that. Totally. Most of all the men. Boys, the same text says only girls are taught to put the condoms on. Boys were taught about STDs with pictures to terrify them out of ever wanting to have sex. We got those.

Yeah. My PE teacher told us you can't pee with an erection. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me for being able to pee while I have an erection. Now I wonder what he had wrong. When you do, does it obviously fountain up and down? Right. You've got to wrench it down. Oh, fuck.

To point out the direction it needs to go. Oh. Or just jump in the shower, you know? And let it flow. Let it go. And then, yeah. Wow. During the sex ed class, we had to put condoms on fake penises,

and my friend broke a wooden penis and yelled out, this is what Christianity says happens if you have too much sex. Now, I don't know if that friend was trying to be funny or deeply religious. Yeah, they made it religious, and that's why they had been taught. What if they broke the wood? Did they like, yeah, across the thigh? Because those things were always, as you said, that was made of a hard native timber. Producer Jared said he actually didn't get taught the corny.

Oh, no, that's not what I was saying. No, no, no. I was saying... You said you've never had the lady put it on. I think that might have all just been for us, but let's share it. You've never in your life had a lady put the condom on. Not on me.

Why would you? You don't want to outsource that. No, I'll do it myself. I've never had a lady offer. So there's a chance of getting a nail in the connie's. Have you ever had a lady put the condom on? No, never. He always does it himself. I can't even remember. It's honestly

been years. You've got to pinch the tip. Pinch the tip? People don't know about the pinch the tip? You've got to pinch the tip. You know, the first time I tried to put one on, it had been such a long time between sex and actually having sex. Like, a long time. We know. It was embarrassing. I unrolled the whole thing. Oh no. And then you tried

to wiggle it in. Have you ever tried to put on a sock when you've got a wet foot? That is what it was like. Wow. I needed a talcuming so it would go in. Oh, my God. I don't think you should be talking when you're dicking.

And you know what? I said, Julia, God bless her, I won't say last name, don't want to get sued, who had had sex before and it was my first time, wasn't forthcoming with a lot of, like, oh, no, you've not done that right or anything like that. Yeah, right. Yeah, and then I said, maybe I've got the wrong size. Oh, no.

Because I thought, oh, I'm going too small. I've got a big old dick. This is so vulnerable. I'm going too small I've got a big old dick This is so vulnerable I'm alright with it As long as no one tells my wife We're doing this Stop telling my wife What we're talking about

A little bit of porn Because then she's going to listen to it And stand there with it And I don't care I can laugh You guys are both hiding your faces And we're having a laugh I'm embarrassed for you

But when the woman who I love Yeah She's never going to want to Share your game And she covers her face And looks at me And she's like Oh Vaughn What have you said Like that's Not good I'm so embarrassed for you. But when the woman who I love is listening to it and she covers her face and looks at me, she's like, oh, Vaughn, what have you said? Like, that's not good, so keep that secret. But she never told me. And then she said, after I had said maybe I got the wrong size,

she said, oh, no, you've put it on wrong. I was like, where was this information beforehand? And then we popped in City of Angels. And that's when you made sweet love. That's when I made love to Google's Iris. Did you have another condom? Or did you manage to wriggle it off? No, no, no.

I had another one. She's like, get rid of that one. That's not going anywhere near me. No. I was like, feel free to offer up any of this advice on the fly. I've never done this before. Oh, my God. And she, yeah.

Oh, my God god You sweet boy I try Look I was just out there To have some fun Now the next person I slept with Was just Far more informative

On all things Right During a sex ed And I read that one At Intermedia We had an old school OHP Overhead projector

With pictures of Hand drawn fannies. So, how this worked, how OHPs worked for... Do you guys have OHPs at school? Yeah, I did. Shannon's growing up her nose. That cast, it was like

the teacher would slide a slide on and it would shoot a box. It was like a light box projector thing. With a clear sheet? No, not a projector. Not a projector. But it is. But a projector of sorts. Like a shadow projector. So if you had... Shannon, you're so young and sweet. If you had a textbook

that you wanted to put on it, but you couldn't photocopy that onto the transparent thing, you would have to trace things from the textbook and then onto the thing and then you could reuse those, and schools had tiny, tiny budgets. Like a vivid fanny. A sharpie fanny.

I imagine the teacher had to go and trace the vaginas before class to put it on the OHP. But which bits? The insides, the vulva? They say multiple drawings. Just the mound? Multiple drawings of hand-drawn fanny bits. Jared has a message saying, I've got another Connie story.

Oh, God, let's all cheer. Yeah, go on. My public school friend, for his first time, you know the phrase, and I might bleep it out, double bag it? Yeah. He took it literally and chucked two on at once. No.

That's real bad. They're not meant to because of the friction. Yeah. But you can lose one. I've got a friend that lost one in there. And what, you've got to get a pair of chopsticks? She had to go. No, they didn't chopstick it out.

She had to go and they had to get it fished out. At A&E. I've taken a friend to get that. At university, I took a friend to a clinic to get that. Oh, God. Is this you because you rolled it all the way out? Because you had a little saggy baggy on you? No, I wasn't.

Hey, hey, let me out of this. Let me out of this, man. Maybe I just got the way out. Because you had a little saggy baggy on you? No, I wasn't. Hey, hey, leave me out of this. Leave me out of this, man. Maybe I just got the wrong size. Oh, my God. More memories of sex ed. I was 13. We, as 13-year-olds, all watched a lovely birthing video. Full noise, straight on.

Oh, no. We didn't get that. Oh, God. Religious schools in the UK in the 90s, the reproductive health pages were torn out of our science box and it was never mentioned. Really? Yeah, we learned everything from Just 17's magazine Problem Pages,

where people had experienced problematic. And the sealed section probably. They always say, like, if you're giving a blowjob, make sure to use plenty of teeth. And you're like, blowjob make sure to use plenty of teeth and you're like really? Who said that? In like the sealed section they'd always have like little tips and stuff and sometimes

it'd be like don't shy away from the teeth some men love it. To be checked that's not your first time. That's long down the path. Oh no. It's not a chubba chub. We got taught the best sex is self-sex.

Do you bite chuppa chups? Yes, I bite chuppa chups. I'll suck until about a three-quarter mark. And if you've just joined the podcast. And that's actually a great way to use a blowjob teeth as well. Three-quarter mark, start biting. No. Absolutely not.

I'm straight in with tea. And a chopper chop. Chopper chops. Yeah, I just bite them. Because I was about to say, you said it's not a chopper chop. I was like, surely a blowjob chopper chop. That's a great analogy. But now you guys are biting them?

Yeah, I just bite them. It's just a boiled sweet. Oh, God, no. I get bored of it. I get bored. Do you see? I'm like, hurry up. Yeah.

I've been done with you. We got in high school, sex ed, we talked about slang words for male and female body parts. And we spent like a whole lesson just coming up with slang for them. I can just imagine the teacher, doodle, and then the teacher writes it on the board. PP stick. Okay, we'll put that up. No one's using PP stick, Richard, but okay. Went to a Catholic high school. They made us hold fetal dolls throughout every week of pregnancy

so that we knew what we were aborting if we ever had an abortion. Oh! You can't do that. How tiny were the, like, six-week? Yeah, they're still really, really, really small. Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny. A clump of cells. I reckon this skull would have upped the size and been like,

it's basically a human. They would have had those troll dolls of the 1990s. They'd be like, that's your baby at conception. It's got a lot of hair, doesn't it? There's still so many text messages. How many more do you want? Give us a couple. Give us a couple.

My high school, which was religious like tried to tell a bunch of non-virgins to save our virginity for marriage and that abstinence was um was the best contraception is it still a thing that the uh catholic high schools have the highest pregnancy rates yes there was actually one of these messages i'm trying to find it. Oh, yeah, I saw that one. About how terrible the sex education was. And by the end of year 13, one third hadn't been pregnant or had a pregnancy. Oh, wow. Yeah. So that's really wild, eh? First memory of sex ed, I was new to Australia, new to New Zealand from Australia,

studying third form in a small New Zealand town. The local nurse was the sex ed teacher. Her nurse's uniform reminded me of one of those ones you might hire for a Halloween party. Too tight and too short. She sat on the desk at the front of the classroom and all I remember is a traumatising Sharon Stone moment of her uncrossing and then recrossing her legs. Not sure if that was part of the lesson,

but I could definitely have gone without seeing that. Rather than teaching you what a boner is I'll just give you one and then you can just experience it. Which we're all experiencing now.

Hey guys, here's a fanny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Want to learn about it? Here's mine. And then the guy at the back's like I didn't get my

erection miss. She's like and you're we're going to talk about you tomorrow. You're for another day. Something's not right. Something's not right.

I'm not feeling anything in my penis seeing you like that I can see Johnny's though I can't take my eyes off it And there it is