ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Lil Bitta Pod - 3rd November 2023

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

On Today's Lil Bitta Pod; We continue reading the wildest texts from our "What did you say you'd never tell anyone, but you're telling us?" PhonerSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The ZM Podcast Network. Fletchborn and Hayley's Little Bit of Pod. Treat yourself to McCafe coffee with MyMackersRewards. Welcome to A Little Bit of Pod. And if you've heard today's big pod, we ended with the anonymous phone-in topic. The things that you've never admitted to anybody until now, when there was a chance to win a free pass to Friday's Live. And a lot of these we can read out uncensored

because we're not on the radio. It's just a little bit of pod. Bit of a forewarning. Shit, there were some wild stories, eh? Bit of a forewarning. This one's probably not one to listen to with kids in the car or wherever you listen to the podcast.

If you've got headphones on, you're in a safe place. Oh, yes. Okay, I'm just going to start at the bottom and work my way up. So these are in no particular order other than an order of which they arrived. Much like you did with life. Started from the bottom. And worked my way up. And worked your way up. Here we are. Started from the bottom and work my way up. So these are in no particular order other than... Much like you did with life.

Started from the bottom. And worked my way up. And worked your way up. Here we are. Started from the bottom, now we're here. Profound. I started sort of quite mid-range. Well, you actually started...

Mid to high range. Well, because of your private school education. Private school, like, not divorced, white presenting, just all of that. Started quite good and... Quite up there. Actually just got fucking better and better. Yeah. It's been up, up, up up It'll be a fall from grace

When it happens Boy will it walk Yeah It's coming I fell in love with my second cousin And then they say Not blood related Now I thought the deal

With second cousins Is you shared a great grandparent What is your second cousin? It's a You shared a great grandparent Your mum's first cousin's child Kids Yeah

All I know Is don't fuck anyone That appears on your Ancestry.com tree No To be safe My mum's first cousin's child. All I know is don't fuck anyone that appears on your Ancestry.com tree. No. To be safe. My mum's first cousin's child. I remember when I met him at a tangi and I was like, good thing we met. He's hot.

He lived in Wellington and I was like, are you going to get it? Yeah. No, we didn't get it. But I was just like, yeah. No, but he could have got it. He could have. He would have fallen into the category of men that got it still hot? yeah

so fell in love with my second cousin not blood related so that's not your second cousin I lost my V plate to her at the age of 30 goodness me man people were really opening up and admitting stuff weren't they? they were ready someone said I once used bird poop for a facial

I'd read about it and the health benefits were there, but I used it and it did a good job, but I've never told anybody about this fact that I've rubbed bird shit on my face. Talked about snail jizz and whale cum and all that kind of shit. Yeah. Speaking of jizz. Hayley Sproul. Sorry.

Hayley Jane Sproul. I had a male goat jizz on my face in the milking shed. Wait, had it as in like I made it? No, no, no. I think he just, goats get very excited. They're a very horny creature. Are they a masturbatory creature, the goats? I think they just get excited and they jizz.

In a milking shed, it would be all the female goats. So I don't know what the male goat was doing. And they're probably breeding with them to produce goats for next season. Do you milk goats in a milking shed? Yeah. Just a smaller version of a cow shed. I just imagine it's some old lady with a bucket, a wooden bucket. Yeah, pale in an apron.

And she's like... It's not 1910s Austria. I don't know. I don't know why I thought goats were different. But I wouldn't have even let the male goat in the shed. Yeah, because you're only milking the females. Only milking the females. Goodness.

And so never told a soul. Never told a soul. I once told a blind man to stop staring at a lady's chest. That was very embarrassing when he said he was blind, and that was just the angle he kept his head at for hearing things. I was with my friend in Australia, and this was years ago,

and someone bumped into her at a club, and someone bumped into him. He's like, stop being so pushy and turned around, he's in a wheelchair. Oh for God's sake. A wheelchair in a club? Hey, it doesn't stop. If you were at a lower level the whole thing would be a wildly different experience. A lot of crotches in the face.

A stinky club crotch. Yeah. Right at titty height though, that could be pretty I want to admit that when I was little I loved my cat so much I squeezed her so hard she pooped on me I squeezed I thought the

I was going to pop out to be honest I thought that was I squeezed the poo out of my cat I've never told anybody that oh my god you squeezed your cat

so hard something had to come out I thought you were going to say you squeezed her so hard it died I know I told you the story of my friend

who was dancing like acting the goat and then stood on my friend's dog and it died at a party. I told you the story of my friend who was dancing, like acting the goat, and then stood on my friend's dog and it died. At a party, right? Was it a stupid little dog? Yeah. Broke its back. Oh my god. This one I must warn you before I start. Trigger warning.

What's the trigger for? Everything. Rude, lewd. Crude. Disgusting. I once let a Tinder date have a little munch After being on a Tinder date with another guy that morning No shaming No shower either Have a shower

Do you know Get the bloody removable shower head up there When you're like hooking up with someone And then you're like You want a shower or whatever And they're like nah I'm like you're a manky fuck Yeah Like always shower afterwards We don't know each other Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah And then you're like, you want a shower or whatever? And they're like, nah. I'm like, you're a manky fuck.

Yeah, I have it. Like, always shower afterwards. We don't know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go home with that all the time. Now, there's a term for it. Do you like just being messy all day, do you? No, God, no. I'm pro-shower, but I was Googling something.

Well, you didn't speak up when Hayley and I were talking about the- You didn't speak up. The importance of hygiene. Well, I daren't speak on behalf of a vagina. Thank you. It's wild of you to tell a woman how to look after her own. No, I was just speaking of holes in general. Oh, you're just speaking on behalf of all holes.

All sexiest holes. He's declared himself mayor of holes over here. Just have a shower, please. I don't even know if what I'm Googling will let me. Do not Google that one. Calvin is against you Googling. She's just warning. I think she gets the alerts from IT about you, about your searches.

All holes matter. Thank you, Jared. They do. All holes matter. We're actually doing a rally, aren't we? Yeah, yeah. In a few weeks. Come get us at Civic Square.

Yep. We'll be there. My sign is a big cardboard sign and there's a hole in it. Yeah, yeah, great. Yep. Kind of like a portable glory. I'm, by the way, fucked now with IT. Yeah, you've searched some things.

Stop that. Okay, carry on with the message, please. The last three purple links. I'm so glad that we trigger warned people. Yeah, we trigger warned. That's good of us. Carry on. Never told anybody my work password.

It was made up with the first three letters of my last name and then some random letters and it came out to come in me. My boss made somebody else give it to me even though he was always in charge of IT matters. Oh my god. This wasn't me but it was my sister. She was probably about 13 and was

holding the cat above her while she was lying down. She lifted up the cat's tail and was playing with the cat when the cat pooped and the cat's poop went in her mouth Yucky I'd never admit that to anyone Yeah I had an affair with my boss

20 years older than me I went on for 6 years Until I realised I was totally being controlled And manipulated by him But I've never told anybody about it They don't say like ex-boss They say boss

Present tense Oh wow okay That's hot Sorry I know it's hot I had sex with my best friend's mother-in-law in his house she was 62 i was 29 you know what 62 plus 29 is 69 nice i accidentally set fire on a hill by my ex-boyfriend's house with a cigarette the fire

station was at the bottom of the hill, so I rang them and blamed the kids I saw doing it. But they didn't exist, but I just never met them again. Oh, my God. I had a threesome with two guys from work. One of them was my boss's son, T. Oh! Tee hee hee.

Tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. Tee hee hee. When I was younger at school, we were at the beach, and I really needed to go poo There was no toilet so I squatted in the ocean and shat And then my poop floated past all of my class

And everyone was screaming as though it was disgusting And I joined in pretending it wasn't me Oh gross gross Someone did a shit in the sea Anonymous I like to poop in the shower on the rig What the fuck I couldn't. Wait, do they have one of those shower...

You've got to call it. It's going to be prep coming up soon. Sometimes you just got to... You can't rule that out. But that's liquid. That's going to be straight liquid. You would need one of those shower things with a screw... Pop the sink hole.

Pop the sink hole. As a guy that has to open it up to... Ours will stop draining and it's full of... All three females in my house have long hair and so it clogs up the shower. Yeah. So as a guy

that pulls that thing out and clears out the, that's just a straight hole. Yeah. Oh, far out. Okay. In a trip to Japan

we had some amazing food that didn't agree with me on a motorway in the middle of Tokyo somewhere we were in a taxi and my stomach started rumbling and I panicked and started telling the driver

we need to find a toilet and he did not understand a word I was saying. I was sweating and shaking and he didn't use the bathroom I got to the point where I said pull over this fucking car

or I'm going to shit all through it he pulled over the car and I ran and released the demons on the side of the motorway in Japan with no cover

oh my god just shitting in public I left my underwear there as it was something I had to sacrifice to do what I can only describe as a part wipe

I spent the rest of our trip wondering if I would get arrested for soiling that beautiful city. Oh my God. That is wild. Flatmate was having

a really long shower. I needed to go shat in a plastic bag and popped it in the flat wheelie bin. Now that's going to be one of those things when you're flat

where you're like, do not put the leftovers of a bachelor's handbag in the rubbish until the day of rubbish collection. Yeah, disgusting. Leave it in the fridge, yeah.

I had an affair with someone who was technically one of my managers, and we once met at the office and had wild sex in the office shower. That's hot. That's really hot. That's hot. That's really hot. You use the workplace showers? Yeah, I do.

Have you seen any of that going down? No hanky-panky going on down there, just early morning runners. Cyclists, yeah. Cyclists and the like. I was in China, and I peed on a pillow on a bus full of people because we were on a bridge that takes 20 minutes to get off and there were no toilet breaks. I was busting, so I weed into a pillow and absorbed it all.

I absorbed it. And then hid the pillow. Oh, yuck. A weed-laden pillow. Yuck. Oh. Man, these stories are great. One of those things you do and then the pillow would be sitting there

and every time you go around a corner you'd be like, has the pillow moved? Slosh. Has it moved? The soggy pillow. I picked it. I saw a flower. I was on a walk with my nephew and he was in a pram

and I saw a flower I really liked. So I left the pram, picked the flower, turned around. The pram had rolled into the middle of the road. I ran out and I grabbed the pram. And that is something I've never told anybody because I'm 100% would never be left in charge of a child again. No. Oh, my God.

I once got so drunk I fell asleep in a bush. This is the one that you've seen. This is the one I teased. I once got so drunk I fell asleep in a bush. The police found me and took me back to the cells. I had an accident while asleep in the cells and asked if I could use the toilet once I'd woken up. When I pulled my pants down.

What? and asked if I could use the toilet once I'd woken up. When I pulled my pants down... When I pulled my pants down, the biggest, sloppiest shit ever fell all over the floor. They had given me two pieces of toilet paper to go to the toilet with. I tried to scoop the sloppy mess into the toilet, but the police officer had to come and check on me, threw some toilet paper at me, and told me to sort it out.

Once fixed up, I told them I had to get home as I was covered in shit. They put a bin liner on the seat of the car and took me home with the windows wound down because I smelt so bad. Oh, yuck. And they never told us all. I'm done.

And they never told, you would never tell us all. Oh my God, you just wouldn't. You'd just be like, everyone would be like, oh my God, where did you go last night? I'd be like, oh man, I was so drunk, I just took myself back to the hotel. Yeah, I went home. Yes. I took myself back to the hotel. Yeah. I went home.

Yes. I dated a girl for the pure reason of banging her mum. Oh, my God. Did he bang her? Three months in, the daughter and I split, but I succeeded in sleeping with the mum and had been banging her for a good year. I was climbing through the window so the daughter didn't find out. I was 18.

She was 48. Oh, my God. The daughter still doesn't know to this day. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a wild story. She was 48 Oh my god The daughter still doesn't know To this day Oh my god Oh my god What a wild story When I was 38 I was invited to my friend's son's

21st when I arrived The birthday boy proceeded To get me multiple drinks And really take care of me While the evening ended With us both having the hottest sex 38, 21 And it hasn't ended

10 years later Both in relationships We're just good friends Who catch up from time to time Catch ups and quotations 28, 21. And it hasn't ended. 10 years later, both in relationships. We're just good friends who catch up from time to time. Catch ups and quotations. Why don't they just be together? They're still doing it. She's 48, he's 31.

10 years later. People on the catch up. It's kind of hot. It's kind of hot. It's kind of hot. It's kind of hot. I'm not saying it's hot, but that's hot I'm not saying I'm in a fear of hot But that's hot I cannot believe I'm finally getting this

Off my chest But I was at a friends party A couple of years ago And the toilet was blocked And I had to go number two So optimistically I went anyway And flushed

And the shit floated to the top And out onto the floor So I went out to the room And acted shocked And blamed anyone else But me And I will never admit this To another soul

That poo on that floor That I blamed on everyone else was mine. Was indeed my poo. You've always got to do a flush before a poo, just to check that this hasn't happened, that there's not a blockage. It's my worst nightmare. Yeah. It is my worst nightmare.

Pre-flush, always. Yeah. My bedroom assistant had run out of batteries, but I was very much in the mood for some assistance. And I knew my flatmate had a new electric toothbrush. I wanked with it. Ten years on, I still feel bad. Oh, my God.

Also, can I just say on a semi-related note, I love that women are using the word wanked. Yes, same. I had a wank. Yeah, because you said that the other night. You had a great wank I was like, weird, but okay, cool It's such a great word

It starts out soft It rolls in with a wank Like a hill And it gets to the end, it's like Yeah It's a hard black cliff And it's like forever The male wank

The motion of wanking is very wank But when females are like, had a wank Gotcha They did have a wank. Rather than I had a maz. I'm stoked that women are using the word. That's good. Good for you.

My friend and I packed my family wagon with two rows of little kids in camping gear. One of the boys was desperate to go wee, so we did an empty cup. We threw the wee contents out the window. The wind caught it and blew it back into the car all over the kids in the camping gear. I've been in a car where my friend spewed out the window and it came

back into my window and over me. You hear of that happening on roller coasters too, eh? Yeah. It's so good. Thank you everybody for... Oh, thank you for opening up the wildest admissions. I think we need to do this sort of in a regular touch base of people. Let people get shit off their chest. Now we're all lighter, we can just go into the world without

carrying these burdens. Great start to the week.