ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley's Mid-Winter Christmas Cocktail Special - 28th June 2024

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

This episode contains explicit content & themes, and is definitely not one for younger listeners!Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley are back at it again with more cocktails, more episodes, and way more shenanigans; in this batch of Mid-Winter Cocktail Specials!The Live Show will be back On-Air from the 15th of July!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome to the Midwinter Christmas Cocktail Special. Our big pod is back on July 15th. Bigger and fatter than ever. And that's our guarantee. That's our show motto. I believe also Protestic Harwin's birthday on the day we get back from midwinter holidays. Somebody write that down. Yeah. Don't forget.

It's in my cow. It's in my cow. As we've been doing already, reading out listener feedback. Well, we asked you. We said, look, this is your podcast. Yeah. We can't be coming up with this much content. You guys better pull your bloody heads in and get something done.

It's about time. You pulled some weight around here. Contribute. We just give, give, give. We asked some questions on a web-based page? Yeah, I think it's called the internet. The internet. That's what we asked.

So much about it. It's quite good. A web-based form. We had some questions. Sort of things like, do you want to say hello to anybody else that listens to the podcast? What's the most exciting thing that happened to you this year? Do you need advice on anything? What's juicy? Have you got any regrets you'd like to get off your chest?

And we drink cocktails during, and we're still on our first cocktail. Easing into it. Easing into it. You'll notice that this time around, there's a bit more restraint. Hey, look, if you're new here and you haven't listened to last year's Christmas special, feel free. And it escalated and went downhill quite rapidly. None of us have listened because it was too... Confronting. Feel free. And it escalated and went downhill quite rapidly. None of us have listened because it was too...

Confronting. Confronting. Yeah. Let's pop up to Whangarei. Daniel. Daniel messages in. Who would you like to shout out?

He wants to shout out his hot fiance, Josh. Oh, okay. That's our fourth... Now, what does she do? Well, that's what I was going to say. Our fourth... We've had a lot of gays so far. Second gay. Okay, Well, that's what I was going to say. Our fourth.

We've had a lot of gays so far. Second gay. Okay, very gay. Kia ora to our gay listeners. Second confirmed gay. Okay, well, it's not a case of. I don't know. The other ones might have dabbled. It's not a case of something.

Far be it for me to assume. Yeah. Next time we do this, we should say, you gay? Is the question mark. You gay? Gay to the box. Sexuality? Question mark.

He wants to give a shout out to his hot fiance, Josh. And Josh and Dan. What's the most exciting. He wants to give a shout out to his hot fiance, Josh. And Josh and Dan. Yeah. What's the most exciting thing that happened to you this year? Getting engaged to my boyfriend. Oh, cute. That's great. That's fresh.

That's nice. I remember when that was exciting. It's been a while. We don't have any gay weddings on the horizon, do we? I know. We've had two this year. I know. And both really well catered.

Fabulously. Very well catered. Not like the two gay weddings last year, which were a little gay weddings last year Which were a little light on food They were a little light on food Bourne You're already in enough trouble with those gays What's the greatest regret of your life? Oh of your life

Of Daniel This is a big one Not telling my mum I was gay Before she died nine years ago Oh fucking hell That's tough Because I assume you probably thought You had time up your sleeve

Yeah And then not getting to tell her That's tough because I assume you probably thought you had time up your sleeve. Yeah. And they're not getting to tell her. That's hard. Is there anything you haven't told your parents that you want to tell them one day? I want to tell my parents one day, but not yet. So anybody listening is not allowed to tell them. Oh, what did you do when you were a kid? I broke the VCR.

You little shit. And let my brother take the blame. Do you know what, Vaughn? I reckon they probably know. It will be one of those things that they're like, yeah, we know. But how good was it when you can blame your brother? It was so good.

I saw a thing this week where it was like when you were young and you'd break something, so you'd balance it back as best you could and then back away from it and let just the next person who touched it, let them believe they broke it. I don't think I have anything that I haven't told my parents.

We're pretty open. Yeah. Had a lot of sex in their't told my parents. We're pretty open. Yeah. Had a lot of sex in their house without them knowing. Early on. You don't think they knew then? And they just chose to ignore it? They knew a couple of times. I could tell by my mum's face and she'd be like, okay.

Because you're not quiet, are you? You're not quiet and you took over a couple of groaners. I wasn't when I was younger. I'm not talking about me and Aaron. Real groaners. I'm talking back when I first started. Right. But no, I don't have any secrets I keep from my parents.

I think there's chats I wish I had with them. Back when I first started is an interesting way of describing your sexual history. Well, I didn't want to age stamp it. Back when I bloody kicked things off. Back when that got going. Back then when I bloody got one up there and then just, yeah, she's been all go since then. Well, let it be some advice to pass on to our other listeners that may be sitting on a secret that they would love to tell their parents. Yeah.

You never know. But then you've got to weigh it up. Like, what if they don't take it well? And then. I don't know. I've never had to do that. Everyone's in a different. Oh, my God.

Hayley. Hayley keeps getting chips and dipping them. Because look where it is. It's in the way of the hummus. I'm going to have to move it because this mousse is so good. No, that's just there. Just there is fine. Okay.

It's because I'm left-handed. What flavour chip are you dipping into the hummus? Salted vinegar into the hummus. Into a caramelised. Interesting. Interesting. What's the juiciest thing that happened to you this year, Daniel? Going out on the farm with my fiance and having some great sex out on the farm.

Oh, I love a little bit of outdoor. Oh, we're about to you on a dairy farm. What's a little bush about? We're about to you having sex on a dairy farm. One? I've gone around on the farm and you've got to pick the place where not all the neighbours can see. Right.

And where there's no like shit. Yeah, yeah, you want to dodge fresh. You can go on the old hard stuff but not on the fresh stuff lay down a shirt romantic hey do you want to go

lay down on a hot dry patch of dirt and fuck no kinda no I don't kinda really kinda

we were flying up the country just this morning I was looking down at we've got a beautiful country and I was looking down at some of the high country farms did you send a photo of the mountain just this morning. I was looking down at, we've got a beautiful country and I was looking down at some of the high country farms. Did you send a photo of the mountain to my mum? Yeah, I did.

She said beautiful. I sent it to my mum as well and both mothers were equally as impressed with it. I took my breath away. Mums love a mountain photo. Mums love a mountain. Mums love getting a mountain too. If we can get back to what I was saying about high country farms

and I was just thinking it's so isolated. You could get away with anything on some of those hills. Yeah. Anything. Yeah. Like what? Just go up with a tent and just take your clothes off and spend the whole weekend. Oh, that'd be lovely actually.

In summer, you'd want to do it in summer. The westerly wind would tear you. Tear right through you. Through your bones. Yeah, but anyway, Daniel was out there banging on the farm. So congratulations, Daniel. And thank you for listening. And thank you for the correspondence.

Congrats. Rachel, who lives in Huntly. Lovely. In Huntly, that's in the Waikato for foreign listeners. We don't go there anymore. I feel I've forgotten Huntly now that we've bypassed it. They're probably quite grateful. I always felt bad for them.

I was like, oh, how sad. No one's going to go anymore. And they're just like, thank God. I bet there's no lines at those fast food restaurants anymore. No, no, no. Who would you like to shout out? Always listen to the podcast. Who boos their milk and cows in the Waikato to hear you all live every day?

Love Vaughan's farmlet chat and subtle positive vibes to send to the farming community and making sure the correct messaging gets out there when conversations pop up. Hey, you know me, I'm on big Fonterra. He's on big farming money. I'm on big dairy. He's a you know me, I'm on big Fonterra. He's on big farming money. I'm on big dairy. He's a truth teller. I'm on big dairy. Big ups to the whole team.

Shout out to my sister Steph and my childhood best friend Emma. What's the most exciting thing that happened to this year? I bought 350 cows and went share milking. Oh, shoot. What's share milking? How much is a cow? My dad's herd, the average, because he sold his this year, valued at just over 2,000 a cow. valued at just over $2,000 a cow.

Yeah. So there was- I have a friend who- Well, not a friend, but like we know someone that buys them. You buy them for like cheaper. You buy them when they're young. And then you keep them for the legal amount of time. Yeah.

And then you can sell them for like- For meat. $1,000 to $2,000. Yeah. Is that like for meat? I don't know what he sells them for. Beefies. How long does he have them for?

What? Are they females or males? I'm asking a lot of questions. You've got none of these answers? I don't know what he sells them for. Beefies. How long does he have them for? Are they females or males? I'm asking a lot of questions. You've got none of these answers. I don't know. I just know that this young, he's only 17 years old. Wow. When he's illegally trading cows. No, he's not illegally trading them.

He bought them. He buys them. You buy them as calves and you raise them and then you can sell them to like people who will butcher them and sell them meat. I think butchered to eat for meat. Or like the dairy ones, you raise them and then. You could buy some young ones and put them at like Cornwall Park.

Then just go back in like a year. Can't ching. No, you can't. Because the Cornwall Park farmland's gated off. People own it. It's farmed. Yeah, but most farmers should notice it. I'll get over the gates.

I think most people would notice if more cows turned up. You could kill some of their cows and replace them with yours. And then make them care for your cows and then go and be like, these are my cows. That's a terrible idea and a stupid idea. So share milking is where Emma would own the cows, but the person would retain ownership of the land. And they split costs and profits 50-50.

Oh, okay. Here's an idea. Floating cows, then you don't pay the farmer for the land. So they're flying. How do they get down to the grass? They hover. First, how are they flying? That's the bigger question. You don't have to. You're still allowed to

eat the ground because it's fair game. Well, I don't know if it is. But if their legs aren't touching, you don't have to pay the farmer. But then how much are you paying for this harness system in which you're picking up all of your cows into like slings? I don't know, mini drones. Valkyrie to a cow.

That's a lot of money. I don't think it's worth it. You're better buying land. Or eating seagulls. What? Is that just everywhere? Well, the cows are eating seagulls. Or if the cow, no, I don't think that would be great.

That would be the start of the next pandemic. It would spoil the meat. Well, look, I don't think that would be great. That would be the start of the next pandemic. It would spoil the meat. Well, look, I'm just trying to loose guy some ideas here. We asked Rachel what she needs advice on, and she said finding a husband. Oh, okay. Oh, God. It sounds like everybody's gay.

All these farmers are gay. All these gays are taking up all the area on the farms, aren't they? God. No wonder she can't find a husband. Everybody was worried about foreign buyers. It's the gays we've got to be worried about. I don't know. I don't have any advice.

We've been together too long. You're a hardworking woman in the dairy industry. I'd imagine there'd be many single dairy farmers out there looking for exactly what you've got. Billboard? Exactly what you've got. Put a billboard up. Yeah.

On State Highway 1. I'm a hardworking farm woman. Coming into Rangariri. Yeah. A sign that says, wanted. Husband. Husband for this hardworking Sheila. Yeah. On State Highway 1. I'm a hardworking farm woman. Coming into Rangariri. Yeah. A sign that says, wanted. Husband. Husband for this hardworking Sheila. Yeah.

Yeah, get that up on the side of the road. Well, thanks, Rachel. And from Huntley, should we go all the way to Northern Ireland? Oh, yes. Is this our first international shout out? It is. It is. Tread lightly.

It is. Tread lightly. We have upset Ireland of late. Yeah, we have, haven't we? Victoria Wilson is messaging in from Belfast in Norton, Ireland. Oh, good morning. Who would you like to shout out? Top of the morning.

Do you think she's been on Aer Lingus? Maybe. Okay. I'm the woman with the pretty handwriting who's sent a postcard the last few Christmases. Oh, my God. Gorgeous handwriting. I remember.

Do you know, I always remember her handwriting and that girl we used to work with years ago. Rachel Langford. Amazing handwriting. I only remember her name because- Rachel's handwriting looked like a printout. It looked like a typewriter. Wow.

It was beautiful. Still good. When I said it's her birthday on Facebook, I always wish her a happy birthday to her and her handwriting. And for the last 10 years, she said, say something different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else do you know about me? Maybe you get to know me

before you judge me. Carwin! What's Carwin done? Have you ever got a formatting issue? Because it says PTO, but there's no PTO. See, it says... Oh, but I just accidentally wrote PTO.

No, no, no, because it ran out. Oh, I've lost my page. She's accidentally wrote PTO. Oh, my God. You have to shout out, I'm the one with the pretty hand I'm going to set postcards

The last few Christmases The end And then that's the next page Oh no Oh no Oh no I'm going to go get food So

Oh no Oh my god Miss Ireland Oh Oh I look at an eye Oh We can come back to that

I'll give you a minute She put waiting music on Yeah you have a little bit of a look We're going to come back We're We can come back to that I'll put waiting music on Yeah you have a little bit of a look We're going to come back We're going to come back to Victoria Which is the PTO form What page is it on? It's at the end of the second page

Beautiful We've got some waiting music Oh lovely End of the second page Yeah see there's Victoria At the bottom there One of you got at the top See it doesn't finish

It doesn't finish does it? Oh my god I've had a formatting error Whose was that? That was a Yeah goodness One two three okay well I tell you what

we'll come back to you Victoria I promise we'll come back and we'll see if we can finish that off at some stage but then I don't know who these belong to oh god we've had a real

do you think that's do you think that's the end of Victoria's it just yeah probably the top of day three last few Christmases because she

who would you like us to shout out but she didn't say anyone I expected the next part to be a shout out some of them didn't some of them didn't actually have shout outs show. I expected the next part to be a shout out. Some of them didn't. Some of them didn't actually have shout outs. I just wanted to say nice things.

Oh, okay. Oh my God, there wasn't an issue. You just didn't read it right. Just didn't read it right. Wow. Although there was no full stop, was there? There was no full stop. Full stop.

Oh, she's back. She's back. What we're hearing is that some of our dear listeners didn't use full stops. So it's the Irish education. Okay, so Carwen has passed the blame to the listeners there. Oh, hey, Carwen needs the keys. Yeah, oh, standby. Standby.

Should we bitch about Fletch? Mm-hmm. Okay. Welcome to the Fletch Bitch Helpline. Okay, we've just actually travelled with Fletch. Welcome to the Fletch Bitch Helpline. Okay, we've just actually travelled with Fletch. He's very organised, but it's almost frantic. Why are we in such a hurry? We're fucking running everywhere.

Why is this a manic? Look, he ran back. Look, he literally, his apartment's not that big and he's sprinting around. He's in his own house and he ran back. Hey, honey, welcome back. Hey, welcome back. Welcome back to the show.

Beautiful friend. I heard that. Very rude. Just slow down, you know Beautiful friend. I heard that. Very rude. Just slow down, you know. So let's assume that it was Victoria's message that said, what's the most exciting thing that happened to you this year? She got married. Oh.

Lovely. And it was the most perfect day. Oh, that's lovely. That's absolutely lovely. What do you need advice on? Victoria said, I'd like to know how to handle when a work colleague is negative about every little thing. It's very draining.

You're not negative about every little thing. It's very draining. You're not negative about every little thing. He sat there and he said. Why did you look at me like I'm negative? I was like, I turn and look. And you were just eyeballing me like I'm the problem. What you do is you try to make them laugh and you tickle and you give them naughty gestures. You give them a reason to live.

You wake up every day you smack them on the bum but if they're negative they might be like I don't like that we do know these kind of people you know every single thing

is just bad so I don't know slap them across the face how do you yeah mind game them into quitting yeah is that an option

or just I just ask them are you happy here are you having a good time yeah that's a good thing plant a seed yeah plant a seed no not really I just kind of like you happy here are you having a good time yeah that's a good thing plant a seed yeah yeah not really i just kind of noticed like life's short you know this week like everything you've said has been quite negative yeah you know are you okay is there anything i can do to help what about if they don't know they're even doing it so you kept a little

tally yeah negative thoughts around the office be like guys i've just noticed everybody there's been a bit of a negative vibe i'm gonna start keeping a track of positive thoughts problem yeah yeah make it everybody's problem and then there's lots up there and everyone's like but i can't remember being negative and then be like oh well maybe we should we break it down to see who nah that's too personal it's too personal i think just asking them you're right is everything okay yeah keeping a negative versus positive not really and then you have a a chat and then just say you're so fucking draining yeah do you know how fucking

physically and mentally draining I find you you're sapping your life out of this environment you are a ball ache yeah yeah

that's great advice great advice from us great advice almost worthy of a horse but we won't quite do it I think a horse and a calendar quote that one

Kelsey's next for a shout out what have we got no Kelsey's next episode a shout out. What have we got? Kelsey's next episode. Yeah, we're going to start with Kelsey next episode. I'm ready for a new drink, actually. Vaughan, if you could just keep an eye on the time like we said. I couldn't see the time. It was behind the bag of chips.

Oh, so that was Hayley's fault, was it? I'll move the chips. Maybe we can put that there. I could see it there, actually. Yes. Yep. Okay, now we're repositioning the timer and we are ready for the next episode.