ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - 16th December 2020

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Morgan Penn Sexologist  Top 6  What should your parents have billed you for?  Dr Ashley Bloomfield!  12 Days of Fletchmas!  Am I a Bad Person  NZ's Favourite TakeawaySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello and welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast. It's thanks to McCafe. Download the Maccas app, buy five McCafe coffees and get one free. Fletch and I are just discussing the HP Pavilion. Back in the, was it the 2000s? None. So apparently the first HP Pavilion came out in 95 and it was slowly evolved into a sort of a sexy tower. Because computer towers were never sexy, and they sometimes still aren't. But these ones were, for the day, were just like, wow. If you're a family that had an HP pavilion. Yeah. With its sleek lines.

Yeah, because I just said to Vaughan, when you were out of the room, Megan, I went into the rubbish room this morning on the way to work, dumped off my rubbish, and they're doing like a, what's that thing called when they come around? An inorganic collection where you just chuck all your crap and they clear it away, the council. Yeah. And somebody had chucked a HP Pavilion computer from the 90s

or 2000s on the pile, and I was just like, huh? And they went from just like sexy computer To like rubbish that your mum and dad bought Because it was cheap And then like six months later it'd be fucked Yeah Because you looked at boobies You looked at boobies

And now the computer doesn't work Yeah Oopsie daisy But my computer at home last night got full And then was like Well I'm full Like then was like, well, I'm full. Like me, basically. It was full. When I get full, I fall asleep and don't work.

And it didn't tell me it was getting full. It wasn't like, hey, I'm nearly full. The thing is, they do tell you they're nearly getting full. It didn't tell me nearly getting full. I missed the prompt. You missed the prompt. And then it got full and then I was just like. And it's so full

I can't even get stuff off it it won't let me delete things I did that thing where it tells me my biggest files yeah and it had duplicated my iPhoto library

for some stupid reason and that was setting up a huge amount of room but it won't let me delete it oh dear oh my god so that's your issue today is trying to get your computer to work

yeah yeah that's my fun day in the sun. Dealing with a fucking computer. At least it's not an HP pavilion riddled with viruses because you looked at some boobies. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughn and Megan. Guys. Good morning.

What? Exciting news today. Do you know 2020, we have requested, Executive Intern Anya joins us. How many times have we requested an interview with Dr. Ashley Bloomfield? I would imagine nine. Like during the pandemic and the lockdowns? Yep. Every time there was like a scare

We were like well we should talk to Dr. Ashley Bloomfield The nation's hero The voice of reason and calm And every time it was a polite decline From his office Busy in the height Very busy and I don't hold that against him. Well,

imagine our surprise when Executive Intern Anya messaged us in the group chat yesterday to say, guys, Merry Christmas. Mm-hmm. It's happening.

It's happening. Dr. Bloomfield. Today on the show. The big B. I know, let's not try to get that stuff. It's pretty late in the game to start him with a new nickname. Yeah. Daddy Bloomfield. And so, let's not try to get that stuff. It's pretty late in the game to start them with a new nickname.

Yeah. Daddy Bloomfield. And so, because I'm imagining, because you would have just heard them in the news, and they're getting us all prepared for summer. Because they've updated the COVID Tracer app. You've got to enable Bluetooth. And also, they want us to be prepared over summer for the worst if it was to happen. Yeah.

Slap, slap, slap, scan. Yeah. That's the new saying. That's the new one, yeah. So he joins us this morning, 7.40, Dr. Ashley Bloomfield. I'm excited about this. He's like... He's gone like...

He's A-list. Yeah, he's A-list ceiling in New Zealand now. Do you reckon he will have had breakfast when he talks to us? He'll just be thinking about breakfast. No, 100%. You think he's an early breakfaster? I to us? He'll just be thinking about breakfast. No, 100%. You think he's an early breakfaster? I think he'll be up now. Definite breakfaster.

He knows the importance of breakfast. I reckon he's a 6am gymmer and then breakfasts. Yeah. What do you think he works out before breakfast? Yeah, I think he... Does some cardio. Like a light meal. Yep.

We allowed to ask him all this stuff? Sure we can. These are the big questions. How do you start your day? New Zealand This is probably also why I declined interviews nine times Because of this kind of chat

So he'll be 7.40 this morning Vaughan the top six is coming up On the show Yeah Today's top six The Queen Called Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern Has the call happened?

Yes it happened Yeah See the photos of her talking on the phone? She could have been talking to anybody She probably was called Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern. Has the call happened? Yes, it happened, yeah. See the photos of her talking on the phone? She could have been talking to anybody. She probably was. Yeah, she probably was. Because if I was Prime Minister, I'd be like, guys, I just talked to Benjamin Netanyahu.

Here's a photo of me on the phone. Is he still alive? Of all the people that you can talk to. I always liked him because his name, you'd hear it on the news all the time, but his name is Benjamin Nyetanyahu. And it sounds like Benjamin and then Nyetanyahu. Yeah.

It sounds like something my granddad would have called me. I yell at my buddy Nyetanyahu. Look, here's me on the phone. Oh, here I am speaking to Desmond Tutu, Bishop Desmond Tutu. Why are you picking those randoms? Now here's me on the phone talking to 1980s 1990s One News reporter

Sahai Tiffin. Why are these names? They bounce around in my head. Sahai Tiffin I'll never forget. Just growing up watching the news you remember all these names.

They get to the end of the report they'll be like Sahai Tiffin One News and you'd never question why that was they'd be like, Sahai Tiffin, one news. And you'd never question why that was their name. Yeah.

Sahai Tiffin. Never heard that name since. Because it was their name. Yeah, it was given to them. I've never met another Sahai though. No, that's true.

Have you? No, where is she now? Do some research. But you haven't told us what the top six is. Yeah, something about the Queen.

Oh yeah, it's the top six things that the Queen and Jacinda talked about. Fantastic. Okay. Joining us it's the top six things that the Queen and Jacinda talked about. Fantastic. Okay. Joining us next on the show, special guest in studio, nice and early. It's getting spicy early.

Yeah, it's getting spicy early. Sexologist Morgan Penn is going to join us on the show. So my Tiffin still lives in Queenstown. Oh, okay. Yep, still does, by the looks of it, still does some freelance camera work as well as reporting should they need it. Right. So Morgan's going to run us through five tips to get things saucy over the Christmas period. And I believe she's brought us some presents as well to keep things spicy.

She joins us in studio next. Flesh, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. ZM Our friend Morgan Penn joins us in studio, sexologist and she has some tips for us to keep things saucy over the holidays. But first Christmas present. Before we get to that, Christmas presents for each

of us. I didn't get you anything I didn't know we were doing presents. No that's okay. This is mainly a ploy just to get my favourite person Vaughan excited for Christmas. Right, so shall I go last then? Yeah. Okay.

With the presents. Yeah, okay. My present's the biggest. It is. I feel like mine's the lightest. Does that mean... I mean, I'm not saying a present has to be heavy. I'm just saying a little on the light side.

Shall I go first? You go first, Megan. Hey, Mama, you're doing great. What is Viva La Vulva? Wow. What is La Vulva? A postpartum cleansing peri-wash bottle.

Yeah, it goes with the main thing, which is the postpartum healing spray. So this is going to get your bits all back in order. Thank you. That's actually really awesome. Well, I just think... Our thoughts are with your vagina during this time. So you spray it on.

Yeah, so depending, even if it comes vaginally or C-section, it still works on whatever goes down for you. That's amazing. Fletch, you're supposed to wait until we've talked about Megan's present before opening yours. I got real excited. Presents. Oh, this is yours. I got real excited. Presents. Oh, this is fantastic.

Nipple teasers. Wow. Fully adjustable, soft, comfortable pads. Fletch and I had a moment of honesty the other day, Morgan. I think you would have appreciated it. What? Will you share? He told me he's not into, like, nipple play.

No, I know. It's because he has teeny tiny nips. That's why I thought this would be real. I don't know if they because he has teeny tiny nips. That's why I thought this would be real. I don't know if they'll fit on his tiny nips but I think he should explore this round.

Why is this coming? Why has this turned into a roasting about the size of my nipples? I know, I'm not saying your nipples were bad. You just said they're small. See, that would hurt.

Is it a clamp? Yeah, they're like little... Do you think it would hurt more given that there's less area to put them on? Potentially. Because of the nerd.

She just doesn't do it for me. By the same accord, there should be more pleasure per square inch. Yes. Good at maths. Put them on, I reckon. Let's have a look. Just have a fit. Just have the top of your t-shirt.

Is the chain long enough? Because they're quite far apart. Honestly, the chain's just long. The chain's stretched. Because my nipples are on the side. Wow, yeah. Ow! Is that actually where your nipple is?

You can loosen the spring. That's a handy. That's handy. No, it's still quite clampy. It's still quite clampy. Ow. You can keep loosening. I think you've got a bit more loose.

You can work your way up to the tighter settings. I might just use this if I'm ever like, I don't know, doing some crafts and I need to hold. Like a little clamp. Yeah, yeah. Or you could take it for you when you go to hotels because the curtains never shut properly. Yes.

Because I always use the coat hanger with the clips. Yeah. This is actually perfect. Yes. But then. If you have a rendezvous, just coat hanger with the clips. Yeah. This is actually perfect. Yes. But then... If you have a rendezvous, just take them off the curtains. Yeah. Well, no, because then he can actually use the ones from the wardrobe by then

because he will have worked his way up to them. Yeah, right. A tiny lane. Anyway, the reason we're doing these naughty presents is for a long time, Morgan, you have assumed that Vaughan is very vanilla. Very vanilla. Very vanilla.

It's a Dr. Joel Kaplan. It's a power prostate prod. Oh my. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I'll read the instructions on the back in German. Who's Dr. Joel? Schleidenprostatiestimulation.

See that little hook on the end? That's the, that's what it says there. Ergonomically curved to stimulate the prostate. Two powerful speeds. Yep.

Well, I've got a month. I've got a month on. Is there, I feel like there needs to be a safety string on that. Jesus, how deep do you think

I'm going? I don't know. But that is a genuine concern. I feel like I'm going to get like a... I'll hurt my lungs if I'm over your lungs. I feel like this is going to be a message to the group chat of Vaughn in the hospital being like... Whoopsie.

Always tie a string on. That's my life advice. Always tie a string on. Paging Dr. Joel Kaplan. Yeah. Okay, wow. Now, is Dr. Joel, who does these adult fun toys, is he an actual doctor? Because, you know, Dr. Phil's not a doctor. Yeah, is Dr. Joel, who does these adult fun toys, is he an actual doctor?

Because, you know, Dr. Phil's not a doctor. Yeah, no, that's true. But it doesn't have any batteries. It's Christmas morning. You've just given Dad his prostate tickler. Okay, that's a fail, isn't it? Anybody got a... I've got some double A's at home.

There's always something in the TV remote. I was going to say, there's a remote around. Where's the remote for? That'll be triple A's, I reckon. That'll be triple A's, yeah. Have a look. Pop it open. Have a look.

Yeah, it's triple A's in this one. Whatever brand Pixel is. You need a double A. We'll find some double A's. Well, anyway, thank you, Morgan, for our presence. Thank you so much. I actually really love mine. The reason that you are here is not to give us presence.

It's to give the listeners presence and insights. We're going to come back next because on the show you have, I believe, five? Yes. Five tips to keep things saucy. Like a self-saucing Christmas pudge. Yeah, like a seasonably saucy list. Can you stop

doing that to Christmas puddings because you know I love Christmas puddings. I don't need you ruining them. Alright, we're going to come back with Morgan's tips next. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. We've got a Christmas I don't need you ruining them. All right, we're going to come back with Morgan's tips next. We've got a Christmas treat in studio. Morgan Penn joins us, sexologist, our buddy, with five tips to keep things saucy over Christmas. So it can be very hard if the in-laws are in the spare room, can't it, Vaughn?

Or you're in their spare room. Yeah, true. Or you're in your old room. Yeah, true. Or you're in your old room. Yeah. Yeah. Mum and dad's house. Or your parents have no idea what sort of deviant you are, eh, Fletch? Or Megan, if your parents have a more aggressive sex life than you do.

I mean, we're all facing our own challenges this holiday season. This is unbelievable and very revealing about Megan. All right, so let's run through the five tips. Okay, all right. Number one, so instead of writing a wish list to Santa, you write a sex list for your partner. So you write five each, cut it out, put it into a jar, and then you each take turns, put your hand into the jar, pull out something

and you discuss it and if you're both consent to it then you can try it out. So this is a really good thing because quite often partners are too afraid to try things out and voice what they might like to try so this just opens the conversation. You've been with someone for so long and it's never come up

before. That's right. And how do you start that conversation? Yeah, but you may have heard a sexologist on there and you think, you know what, maybe there's more to life than this missionary life that I'm having every day. I doubt it. That's why I gave up the church. Very persistent, weren't they?

Okay, number two, there's obviously a lot of food that goes down this time of year. So we're all cooking Christmas treats. So try doing it nude and act like nothing is going on. Well, not a roast. Not anything with hot oils. Cookies though, Christmas cookies you could do. Christmas cookies, yep.

So you put your apron on if you're still a little bit trying to cover some bits up. But when the partner comes out and gets a fright, you just act like everything is totally normal. But when you see that flesh, there's something that kind of happens to the brain. It goes, oh, sex. Great, let me in on that, you know? And cookies. Yes.

But you've got to be done in 15 to 20 minutes or until they're golden brown. Yes. Well, that adds to the fun, doesn't it? Yes. Time restrictions. Yes. Kind of touched on this before, but like the family stuff. So sometimes we have these

big long drives to the family places. So, you know, we've got some beautiful picnic areas around New Zealand you can pull over. Have a little pit stop. Not on the table. People eat their picnics there. That's right. That's right.

In a harakeke flax bush? Totally. Take your own blanket if you must. Find a little grassy mound. And then just let the dairy cows next door have a look. The freezers. Just be at one with nature. We are nature.

Okay. Tip number four what are we up to? Four. So this is like, this is present giving time, you know? So it's a really good chance to like give something to someone that you might not normally do that might benefit you. So say like sexy lingerie or a toy that you can both kind of benefit from. Or nipple clamps if they fit your tiny nipples.

Carry on. Exactly, exactly. So, yeah, it's a good time to kind of surprise people and maybe don't give it on Christmas morning. Maybe do it with your own present ceremony the night before. Yeah. A very distinctive wrap would help there so that it doesn't actually end up under the Christmas tree

with the family-friendly presents. Yes. So dildo Christmas wrap, you're thinking? Perhaps, yes. That would certainly stand out under the Christmas tree. Sure. Okay. All right.

Number five. These are tips to spice it up over the Christmas holiday season. Okay. So this is back to the food because, you know, it's just a food-dominated time of year, is bringing the kai into the bedroom. So, you know, we've got lots of strawberries. We eat a lot of strawberries that time. I'll leave it up to you where you think you might have to

place that on another person's body and eat it. Maybe save some cream from the pav that you're making. You know, that's a good thing to lick off. And cream will not stain the bedsheets like strawberries will. Any of you berry family, they're very staining. Blueberries.

Yeah, raspberries. Raspberries. Oh, good. You have to get that in the wash straight away. You don't like food in the bedroom though, do you? I'm pretty anti it, yeah. Why is that? I don't know how I know that.

Because when I flat it and I had the TV in my room, there'd be occasions I'd wake up and I'd be sleeping on a Malteser. And you think you should the bed. Because it's melted in the sheets. No, I just, yeah, it's just, I don't know, I'm not a fan. But, you know, maybe I need to try it out. Maybe you are the vanilla one. You don't like nipple clamps.

You don't like food in the bedroom. Food in the bedroom. Yep. Yep, I'm sure. No one's believing that. Fletchers goody-goody gumdrops, if you were comparing it to a... See, now that's something I could eat a bowl of that in the bedroom. Yeah.

See, you're going to save the lollies. Yes. For something. I don't know what. That's up to the individual. There you go. Well, five tips to spice it up over the Christmas holiday season. Keep it saucy.

Sounds good. Sounds doable. It does. Thank you so much for coming in. You're welcome. Thank you for the presents. Yes, thank you. Morgan Penn, sexologist. Morgan underscore Penn. Two underscores or one? Two. Because we told the people

and people hit up Morgan Penn with one underscore for sex advice. The thing is that you could find me with that, but I put up a picture of my breasts which then I got shadow banned by Instagram. Oh, really? So now you're two under spurs. So I'm harder to find.

Okay. So, yeah. But worth the hunt. That's right. Creepy. It was a compliment. Is he buzzing? I found the battery.

Sydney Airport are selling all of their lost and found items and it's all on a website called Pickles and it's going to be going to raise money for sick children at the Sydney Children's Hospital Foundation, which is nice. Now the most

there is some incredible stuff here. I don't know if you're going to save much once you have to pay for shipping. Right. To get over here. But you could actually buy it here. Oh, my God. Yeah, you could. I know.

I just went to the website. I know. So you can get anything from digital cameras, laptops, Gucci, fragrances, guitars. There's didgeridoos, because I'm assuming, like, tourists buy them in the souvenir shop and then either they leave them or there's no room. They put them down and they get on the plane and they're like, oh, I forgot my didgeridoo. Yeah, there's a pair of didgeridoos.

There's an ABBA vinyl record as well that somebody left in the departures lounge. A quick search of the listings. So Apple AirPods and alcohol are the most left behind items at Sydney Airport. Oh, I would have thought phones maybe. But there's like designer handbags and... Yeah. So they have listings for designer sunglasses and you're only bidding on assorted pairs of 10.

So you just bid and I'm guessing it's a blind bid. Oh, okay. There could be like sharkies, like $10 sharkies from the service station. Yeah. Or there could be like $400 sunglasses in there. But I guess it's like that show, what's that one where you buy a lockup? Oh, yeah.

Storage Wars. Storage, yeah, yeah. You could buy a storage locker and there's nothing in it or there's like treasure. And if there's nothing in it, you just take something and you hide it in the back

and then bring the film crew back later and unpack it and make it sound more exciting. I actually don't think I want to tell everyone about some of these. Oh, it's high-end. Because you imagine all the stores at Sydney Airport. It's like a lot of it's high-end stuff. People have bought, like, yeah, they've bought duty-free and they've just left it because these unused designer bags.

And, yeah, you just put a blind bit in. And there's two pairs of white undies. So someone thought they were going to show themselves. I hope they didn't. I hope they didn't because they forgot it. From one extreme to the other. They forgot it. I like that Megan's focusing on the Gucci handbags.

You're focusing on a couple of pairs of undies left behind. ZM's Fletch Warner Megan, the podcast. From the hard to find ZM think tank, this is the top six. Hi. Hi. Hi. So Jacinda has had a chat with the Queen. They've had a little telephone call.

Apparently the Queen wished Kiwis a wonderful break during the chat with the Prime Minister. How's about yesterday, Megan and I, I don't know, were we just, were you in the room when we were discussing the Queen riding a horse? No, he wasn't. Has she done it again? Oh my God, she did it like a couple of days ago and she's like 94? 93. 93.

94. And she's on a horse, like that's madness. Even just the art of getting on the horse. You have to spread your legs and then it's painful. Either she would have steps exactly to the right height where she could walk up the stairs

beside the horse and like just swing and then go over. And she's not riding any horse. Those are being a horse's thing. They're very placid, aren't they? Yeah. And those people with the big fluffy

hats probably help her up onto the horse. The bee feeders? Yes. The royal stable hands would help her up there. Yeah, she's pretty unstoppable. So the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about on that phone call, apart from

when she wished New Zealanders a happy break. Number six, she asked when she's getting married. That's what old people always tell me. When are you getting married? Oh no, we're living, you know, pretty much a sort of de facto relationship.

Okay. Oh, there's judgment in that, okay. Okay. That's what I'll tell my friends. Okay. My granddaughter is living in a de facto okay? Okay. That's what I'll tell my friends. Okay. My granddaughter's living in a defector relationship. Okay. Okay. Living in sin.

Wouldn't have done it in my day. Okay. Some of us have been in long marriages. They aren't always happy, but that's how it was done back in the day. Okay.

Number five on the list of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about. How to find the episode of Packed to the Rafters that she forgot to My Sky. I always want to hear that or that,

what was that other one? 800 Words? 800 Words? What's that one? Did you watch that, Hedy? Oh my God. Executive Intunania is an absolute boomer.

Of course she did. That was a great show. 800 words. It was made by the same people as Packed to the Rafters, wasn't it? Yeah, Packed to the Rafters was my entire childhood. Were you watching that show because you were living at home? You're back living at home? Or would you have watched that anyway?

No, I love those like 8.30 TV shows. Australian. Australian shows. They are my niche. Yeah. So does the Queen. Number four of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about. If she remembers Sue from down the road.

Oh, yeah. She had a COVID scare. Oh, did she? Thank God. It was just a cold. She's pulling through. She's pulling through. Lots of chamomile tea.

Number three on the list of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about. How the wee one is because she's forgotten Niamh's name. How are the wee ones? Just the one. Oh, I meant... How was it? I meant Clark as well.

Wee ones definitely meant the plural. Number two on the list of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about are what flowers are out in the garden at their place. Yeah. on the list of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about. What flowers are out in the garden at their place?

Yeah. Or the state of any growing plants at their place. That's a classic. Yeah. What are you? What are they? The trees dropping a lot of leaves at your place? Leaves everywhere, is it?

And number one on the list of the top six things the Queen and Jacinda talked about. The bloody weather. It's too hot. Yeah. It's too cold. Well, it is probably getting too cold there. She'll be staying inside in a nice heated castle. She should be okay.

Yeah. She should be okay. That is today's top six. Flesh, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast, ZM. Do you know in New Zealand there will be, over summer, they reckon 1.7 million recreational boaties are going to be out on the water. 1.7 million. Does that mean there to be out on the water. 1.7 million.

Does that mean there could be four boaties in a boat? Yes. Or does that mean there are one? That's anybody that goes on a boat, right? But you still think of that as a quarter of the population will go on a boat at some stage. That's a huge percentage. We are surrounded by water, though.

So the market for boats, obviously between April and June, was down. See you at the boat show. At the boat show. See you at the boat show. Remember that jingle? No. No.

Are you kidding me? For the boat show. It was a local Hamilton one. No, it was the boat show jingle. No. Are you off key or something? I mean, undoubtedly yes, but not so much that you wouldn't recognise

the boat show jingle I've never heard that jingle in my life boat show jingle like yeah it sounds like you were literally just making up a boat show

see you at the boat show at the boat show see you at the boat show that's how it would go right okay can I please do you guys know that boat show jingle

no that's just that's a no across the board it's a blank in the producer's booth yep see you at the boat show jingle? No. That's a no across the board. It's a blank in the producer's booth. Yep. See you at the boat show. Jesus Christ, have I imagined an entire university?

Are you imagining a jingle again? Oh no, I've created a fictitious childhood. Shutter Island, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm living in my own madness. If it was going to happen to anyone, it would be you.

So, boat sales dropped. No, someone said that was the home show jingle. That wasn't the home show jingle. It was the boat show jingle. See you at the home show. At the home show. Oh, maybe it was the home show. No, I don't know.

See you at the home show. You don't recognise it as a home show jingle? Nobody. I mean, the tune would have got us, surely. Yeah. 95% boat sales dropped in that period, but since then, reached record levels. So apparently, international travel was the biggest competitive for boat sales.

In the past. Yeah, because we're not doing that now. Everyone's buying a boat. Everyone's buying a boat. So boats are like one of those things. I don't know how much a boat costs. Well, it depends. You can get a dinghy or you can get like real spinny ones.

But I don't even know how much a dinghy would cost. Like I just don't know because I've never had a boat or been interested in that. I just don't know what, like what's a nice boat cost? Well, like are you talking like one that you can have like four mates on and you can fish off the back of? Are we talking a 17-foot Haynes Hunter with a bloody 125. Yeah, the hood. That's spinnies.

Oh, 50k. Jeez. That's $50,000 for a boat. You could get one for 20k. You could get one for 10. You know, like it depends. I'm not going in a boat that costs 10k if its market value was 50. Someone tells me what happened to that boat that knocked off $40,000 worth of value?

It skimmed over some rocks somewhere, hasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But this is like all those people that are apparently buying luxury cars. I don't know anyone who's bought a luxury car or a boat. Who are these people? No, remember our old producer James bought a boat. Oh, yeah, but you said it doesn't have a motor.

That's a sailboat. No, it's a sailboat. It's a little sailboat. Yeah. I don't want to work. My doesn't have a motor. No, it's a sailboat. No, it's a sailboat. It's a little sailboat. Yeah. I don't want to work. My friend Ra bought a boat. He didn't tell me. I went around to his house and there was a massive boat on the front lawn.

I was like, this is something you tell people. So you've now got two friends with boats. But I don't, I've told you I don't like boats. Yeah, you get seasick, don't you? I'm not a boat-faring man. If it had been time to leave old Blighty in the 1700s, I would have been like, how long is it going to take getting this New Zealand?

And they would have been like, eight months. I would have been like, you know, a month is like 30 days. I'd be like, yeah, I'm not, no, I'm not coming, mate. You would have stayed behind. But what about like going on a biscuit and fanging around a lake or something? Oh, yeah, that's fine because you're just fanging around. But like I'm sitting here, you're in a boat and it's like rocking side to side.

Like fishing on a boat. Nah. Have biscuit sales gone up? I mean, I know the other biscuits went up. We ate a lot of those, but the other biscuits? Undoubtedly. Undoubtedly. Yeah.

But yeah, there's going to be lots of people out on the water, so. Have fun in the water, but do what you order. Yeah, that one. At the boat show. No, at the boat show. No, no, no. Different jingle. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan.

The podcast. Before the show this morning, we were talking about, excuse me, we were talking about lasering, hair removal via laser. Yep. And Fletch and I were saying it's painful. And Megan was saying that we're wimps because she had it on her private parts. Before they had that little cold.

Yeah, so they have it like there's a cold jet. So the laser zaps you, but at the same time, there's a cold jet of air. Which helps you out because the laser feels hot. And an old nan over here started a back in my day story. We didn't have the cold puff of air. We just had the hot laser feels hot. And an old nan over here started a back in my day story. We didn't have the cold puff of air. We just had the hot laser. I took a hot laser to my vagina back in 08, and I loved it. I said, more.

So I didn't, but we didn't know this. No. But when you get pregnant, obviously the hair grows back. Your hormones change. Yeah. And your hair could grow back. Not guaranteed, right? Yeah.

They tell you that when you get laser on your bits and pieces, that, like, if your hormones drastically change for any reason, it could grow back. You could get a hairy bum again when you get pregnant. Go through puberty. So, okay. But not as, I mean, I don't want to know the details. Not back to original status. Right. So, okay, but not as, I mean, I don't want to know the details.

Not back to original status, but it'll definitely need to be done again. It'll need a top up. It's a couple of rogue weeds in the garden that you've been weeding all summer. I mean, this was a chat before. Get out there with your KiwiCare spray pack and just give them a little. But it's been years of good times. Yeah, right. But yeah, now I'm going to have to go back. That's when I said, add it to Lorenz's bill.

Yeah, that's right. Megan's fictitious baby's name. Yeah. The baby's real. The baby's real. The name's fictitious. It's not going to be Lorenz. So then we got talking about if our parents wrote us,

like when you turned 18, if your parents wrote you a bill for anything they considered you cost them but it was a waste of money, what would be on your bill? Like didn't you have guitar lessons? Guitar lessons I think would be my number one wasted bill. Yeah. That would be it because it was years and – Did they buy you a guitar too?

They bought – yeah, I had an acoustic guitar, I guess, to start with. And then I hounded them to buy me an electric guitar. And they did. And I very rarely- Yeah. I wanted to do saxophone. But they were like, no. You borrowed those from the school though.

Oh, I just wanted an actual one. Was that because of Lisa Simpson? Maybe. How many people do you think she made take up saxophone? Quite a few. Or the Simpsons made take up saxophone? She made it look easy, didn't she? She did.

Bloody Lisa Simpson. Yeah. And it's only just now taken to be cool again, saxophone and music. Yeah. The last couple of years. So, yeah, I would have on mine, I would have various sports equipment, although my parents always encouraged me to play sports, so I don't think they'd dangle that over me.

But I think if they were to write a bill on my 18th birthday, they would have charged me back for my guitar lessons. Because they paid for it, but there's nothing to show for it. And that's what we wanted to do this morning, take some calls. Because there would be people that would have big bills. Like people that wrote off cars. Big bills. People that wrecked things.

That really wanted a horse. Yep. And they didn't use it. And then did not use their horse. Yeah, there'd be so many things. Your laser bill. Or kids that ran up, because there was another news story about that yesterday, a kid on an iPad running up like tens of thousands of dollars worth of games.

That's what you've always got to have on your iPad. You've got to have the fingerprint or like a face ID. To buy things more than the code to just unlock the screen. Yeah, right. So 0800DARLS.M, give us a call now, or you can text as well, 9696. If your parents write you a bill, what would be the big ticket item on there?

Yeah, from your childhood. The payback. We're talking about what your parents should have billed you for when you left home. If you were leaving, you were like, all right, I'm checking out there. Anything from the minibar? And you'd be like,

no, but don't check. Because it might be wooded down. And they wrote you a bill for your biggest waste of their finances. What would it be for? Things like, not your everyday raising the child. No. They had to pay for you to go to school.

That's the rule. Well, they had to pay the school fees. They had to send you to a private school. Maybe that, you got sent to a private school and cost them like $25,000 a year tutelage and you came out and you just, nah. Yeah. But that was their choice. Yeah, that was on them.

That's true, exactly. So I googled the average cost of raising a child from birth to 18 years old in New Zealand will set you back $285,000. Oh, that snuck up a wee bit. Now, that was 2018, June 2018. Oh, right. So remember it was $250,000.

I think biscuits have gone up, so you can probably add a bit to that too. Or they can be having less biscuits. Less biscuits. Sure. Save some money there. Those extracurricular activities, like maybe like Vaughan, you took up guit biscuit. Sure. Save some money there. Those extracurricular activities, like maybe like Vaughan, you took up guitaring.

Yeah. Or a hobby. Guitaring? Yeah. And they took, you know, they had to pay for it all. And it was a waste of time. And it was a waste of time.

There was absolutely no payoff for their investment. Not like Lydia Ko's parents when they were like, Oh, yeah. Golf. Yeah. Get into it.

Not like that. Someone said, Kate messaged saying, Irish dancing Golf. Yeah. Get into it. Not like that. Someone said, Kate messaged saying Irish dancing for 12 years. Was that because of, what was that thing that was big in the 2000s? River dance. Yeah. Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. Don't they wear wigs? Skiddle-a-diddle-a-diddle-a.

If they're not ginger, they have to. And the shoes and the dresses The whole set up is so Spinnies That's Highland dancing where they put the swords in a cross And they have to dance around the swords But they said they took it up again as an adult And could not believe how expensive It was to partake

So their parents never made a big deal out of it Mine would've You're going Libby said my brother rode off three cars in a year And didn't pay a cent so he should totally be billed for all those cars. But that's insurance though, eh? You'd hope so. Even if it's just the excess.

$250 a pot. Mind you, he was younger, so it was probably even more expensive for the excess. I would have been mowing some lawns and doing some chores for sure. Yeah. Pay off those. Somebody else said,

I should have billed them for raising my younger siblings. Okay, yes. Fair call. That's how you roll. Somebody else said, go-karting. To be honest, Dad did want me to get into go-karting, but then I learned how expensive it was later in the game. Right.

Sean, how much should your parents have billed you for? A whole house. A whole house? What did you do? Five years old, and I was planting some matches and burning it down to the ground. No! Oh, my God!

What did you light on fire in the house that started the fire? I was planting matches in the bedroom and set a bed on the floor and it sort of just carried on from there. Oh, my God. And was it one of those things where you're looking at it and being like, I better not tell anybody because I'll get in trouble for this? Yeah, that's fine.

And then it just got out of control. Oh, my God. Because that's like one of those things your parents, when they went out, would joke to you. My dad would always say, Don't burn the house down. Don't burn the house down, or go and play with some matches,

or go and play on the line in the middle of the road. Yeah. As a joke, obviously. Yeah, right. But you actually did it oh my god wow did they even like hold that against you um yep my mother still brings it up to this place she's like ha sean remember that time you burnt the house down wow all right thanks you call mate some more messages in um somebody well this would have been good actually if these people have been living in the house above Sean's. I left the bath on and it flooded the whole house and rotted the floor.

That would have also poured out insurance. Sean's fire. Somebody else said that competitive swimming, probably hours at the pool, all the trips away, eating 5,000 calories a day, fancy togs. 5,000 calories a day. The petrol to be taken there, brought home. All for one day to come home and say,

I don't want to do that anymore. And your parents are all waking up at 5 a.m. every morning. They ever were like, cool. I'm the youngest of six, and we all did extracurricular activities. Yeah. Except I knew that mine cost less than my siblings. So it was actually the other way around. When I moved out, I said, you actually owe me more money

because I didn't do all those other things they did. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. Our year on bubble Bumble Bumble Has been revealed So in 2020 I can tell you what the biggest day was Of the year

Okay For Bumble It would have been early My guess is early 16% higher than the daily average on this day Right The 5th of January The start of this year.

Oh, I was going to say, what about lockdown? Because didn't, like, it go crazy? No, but Bumble, you have to cross paths. No, you have to match. Does that happen? Which is the one that happened? I don't know. Does that happen?

Yeah. Whereas Bumble, the Bumble's the one with the female stars. First move. Yeah, right. Yeah, they message first. Gotcha. Yeah, and apparently this, they message first. Gotcha. Yeah, and apparently this year the trend will continue. January 3rd looks to be the best time to jump on Bumble

when everyone's getting involved. So do you think everyone's had that New Year's come down and they're just like, okay, New Year, new me. Haven't met anyone on New Year's. Better get a boyfriend or a girlfriend and get on Bumble. 70, 7.2 million messages were sent between Christmas and Valentine's Day 2020.

That's the busiest time. That is insane, right? That's an insane amount of messages. 7.2 million. So yeah. In New Zealand? Yes. Wow.

Those are all New Zealand stats. Sunday the 3rd of January this year is the biggest time. So yeah, news resolutions and everything. Everyone's like, okay, I'm going to get on board. Yep. Over eight, so Kiwi women have made the first move over 8 million times. Okay.

8 million messages. 100 million messages were sent over 2020. Wow. There's so many messages. Including back and forth with people that you're chatting to. And if 1% of those was a nudie, that means a million nudies got sent.

Wow. When you put it like that, that's crazy. Wow. Because if you're having long conversations, would you have it in the app or do you move it to a social media? Or like texting? I guess it depends.

You might move it to a social media. Right. After you've worked out they're not going to kill you. It's always good to know. Six million matches. Is that? That can't be New Zealand, can it? Wait, there's been a hundred million chat chats and only six million matches.

Yeah. No, because you can match with multiple people. Oh, yeah, true. Yeah. Wow, that's been 100 million chat chats and only 6 million matches. Yeah. No, because you can match with multiple people. Oh, yeah, true. Yeah. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. But they have also compiled away like tip lists on what you can work on going into the new year.

So remember, January 3rd's the best day to jump on. That's when everyone's going to be jumping on. That's probably also like that's peak fishing season so you could put up a new profile picture of you with a big dead fish. It doesn't specify that that's not something you should do. How do females feel about men holding giant big, Megan just rolled her eyes.

I mean, if you are really into, I like fishing, but I still don't want to see you with a giant marlin. Okay, stay there then. I've got a Mazda Rotary that I've been working on and I've just given it what I call V green a paint job that's the same colour as a V can. Okay.

And I'm going to put that up with the dead fish as my profile picture. I'm wearing an iLab hoodie. Did I mention that? At least there's no illusions of what you're getting. I'm putting it out there.

It's a fair representation. And there are some people that want a guy That's into fishing And rotaries Yeah Because they are too So that's great What?

And iLab hoodies Yeah Yeah Well you want to know He's got a hoodie Because for the cold You want to wear Your man's hoodie

So you can smell like him Okay Show off your smile Is what you should do What if you've got no teeth? What if your smile's not your truth? No, but you can just say a toothy smile. You could just do like a grin with your mouth closed.

I'm more suspicious of a too big a grin with the mouth closed. Don't use heavy filters, silly faces or sunglasses because it's misleading and you can't tell someone's true face. And also the first photo has to be just you, yourself. That's the most successful. Don't make it a group photo because people get confused as who they're matched with.

Unless your friends are way hotter than you, just put all of those group photos in. So bring your number up. Yeah, that brings you up and then you can just be like, surprise, it's me.

No, but when they find out it's you, you, by comparison, don't measure up as well. Yeah, but by then you've already charmed them, haven't you? No, you're supposed to get a photo with, like, your less fortunate-looking friends.

That's why I always have a photo with a group of dead fish because they're like, well, I'll tell you who's the hottest there. Not the fish. It's not that barely legal snapper, that's for sure. Fleshforn and Megan, the podcast. ZM. We are joined on the phone by a man this time last year. Didn't have as many TV hours under his belt as he does now,

but I tell you what, he's really doubled down. Dr. Ashley Bloomfield, hello. Morning, nice to be on the show. Oh, it's so great to have you. It's been a dream of ours all this year, to be honest. Oh, well, yeah, it's good. It's good. It's nice to be on. It's been a dream of ours all this year, to be honest. Oh, well, yeah, it's good. It's good. It's nice to be on.

I really appreciate the opportunity. Now, when you get your knighthood, does the sir go before or after the doctor? Well, I'm not planning on that, so I haven't even thought about it. But I understand it goes before, but there you go. Wow. Don't jinx it. That is really hogging all the titles. Now, we've got summer coming up.

There are festivals. People are travelling away to meet the family. And we've heard over the last couple of days the new initiative. Yes, the Slip, Slop, Slap, Scan initiative. Because we still need to be checking in everywhere, don't we? Yeah, that's the point. I know a lot of Kiwis are going to be getting out and about and enjoying this beautiful country.

And the fact we can't go overseas is not a bad thing. It's a pretty good place to be stuck in. We're certainly going to be doing a roadie up around Taranaki, up to Waiheke Island to visit family, and then down south to Nelson Lakes. So, look, the message is just keep doing what we've been doing all year. That's how we've done so well is everybody doing their bit. And the slip, slot, flap, scan

is important. Keep putting on the sunblock but use the old COVID Tracer app to scan them wherever you go. Keep a record and just those key messages about if you are unwell, don't go out. Give your ticket to Rhythm and Vines to someone else. I know that'll be tough but do it and also just ring up

Healthline and find out where you can get a test locally. Right. So there's still COVID-19 testing stations all around New Zealand, aren't there? Yeah, that's right. So, you know, just want to thank the staff who are going to be working through the holidays to keep us safe, being available to do the test. So the best way to find out is to ring Healthline. And they've got a really good protocol. They'll tell you exactly what to do, where to go, and how to arrive there to get a test done safely.

So if you were on holiday and you came down with some symptoms, ring Healthline, you could get a test, kind of find the nearest place where you're on holiday. Yeah, that's right. And, you know, the key thing is look after each other. That's the big thing, isn't it? Don't go out, don't spread the love, as it were, and that will just help us get through the summer.

We all want a decent break. We're in this really privileged position. If you look at, you know, around the world, a lot of people aren't going to be able to spend Christmas with family. We can and we just want to hold that. We don't want to risk it. So with the update for the app, I noticed this when I opened it just after the update,

you've got to enable Bluetooth tracing. Can you tell us how that update works? Or like what the app can do now? Yeah, that's right. I mean, it's pretty straightforward. I thought I was going to have to go into my settings and everything, but now you just slide along there in the app. And what that does is it just activates the Bluetooth technology, which basically completely anonymously sends a signal to other phones around you and keeps a record, private record, on your phone

of others who you might have been close to. And then if one of those happens to be a case, a message can be sent to all those phones that were within a distance of that phone, a certain distance, a short distance for a period of time, and then a message can be sent out. It's completely anonymous. Some people may need to update the app in the actual store.

I think this is Android version 3.0.0. But, you know, just flick that on. But keep scanning. Don't stop scanning. Yeah. That's going to be so helpful at festeies because, I mean, you could be there, but you might be miles away from someone who had symptoms. Yeah, that's exactly right.

So it's just another tool in the toolbox. So flick on that Bluetooth functionality. As I say, it's completely private. It's been checked out by the privacy commissioner. It's all good. It's your information, but it's just another thing that will help us if we do get a case. How are we going in the, you know, we've started summer, the weather's getting good. How are we going with scanning in?

Oh, look, I've been really impressed. People still are scanning, and I just want to encourage people to make it a habit. At all these festivals and events, there will be QR codes there. You've got to stop and, you know, scan your ticket on the way in or show your ticket. So it's just a chance to scan the app and then you've got a record of exactly where you were and what times. Now, you mentioned that you're hitting the road this summer with the family. At the start of this year, you would have gone to the supermarket and to holiday hotspots and nobody would have looked twice. But now you're like Richie McCaw of the medical world.

You're like A-list New Zealand C-Lab. Everybody knows your face. Yeah, that's a little bit odd, isn't it? And I guess that's what comes from being sort of the only show in town through lockdown. One o'clock every day is the time to go to the supermarket because everyone's going, well, I've got nothing else to do.

Might as well watch the one o'clock show. Find out what my instructions are for the next 24 hours. Yeah, it's still a bit puzzling, I have to say. But the lovely thing is, you know, I walk down the street and people do come up to me and they have a chat and sometimes they want a selfie. But there's nothing but goodwill. There's nothing but real gratitude

to what the team across the ministry and the public service has done to look after New Zealanders. And it's lovely to get that because that's why we come to work. Have you had any weird interactions? Other than the ones, you know, the usual weird interactions you get every day. But no, no, look, I have to say I've had no malice.

There's been no one who's been, you know, at all unpleasant. And look, thousands of Kiwis have sent me messages of support to myself and the team here at the ministry. They're really grateful. And I think they look overseas and see how it could have been. But we set out to look after Kiwis and so pleased that everyone joined us in that and looked after each other. I know, it's weird. We had our Christmas party at the weekend and there's photos. We're all hanging out.

There was like no social distancing or whatever. And you look at Germany's just gone into like another two-week lockdown, and yeah, we're really... It's very sobering to look overseas. What would be the biggest risk to that now? Because as you say, the borders are still shut. People, if they're coming in, have got to do their isolation.

So what's kind of like, what's a worry on the radar of the Ministry of Health? Well, if we're going to get a case in the country, it will come through the border, and we've got really tight processes in place to prevent that happening. But it is a tricky virus, and we've seen the odd case coming through

over the last few months. We've dealt with those quickly. The biggest risk, though, is if we don't find a case early, and that's why we really need people, if they do have those symptoms, you know, runny nose, sore throat, bit of fever, maybe cough or loss of smell to get a test straight away because as I say, the biggest risk is just not finding the case early. If we find it early, we can get around it quickly and stop any wider spread.

Awesome. Well, thank you very much for your time this morning. It's been great to talk to you. Thanks for all your work this year. We haven't had the chance to thank you personally with all the information that you've given out. I don't know, there's something very reassuring about you, Dr. Ashley. That's good to know. Look, I've enjoyed doing my bit.

It's been a privilege. You've got a fantastic team here and just really impressed with how New Zealand has supported the effort. So let's keep doing it. Awesome. Well, you have a safe holidays. Cheers. Cheers. ZM's Fletch, Va let's keep doing it. Awesome. Well, you have a safe holidays. Cheers.

Cheers. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. Ho, ho, ho, the 12 Days of Fletchmas. 12 Days of Fletchmas. And because we finish up on Friday, a couple of days left, still a chance for you to get on the naughty or the nice list. Obviously, you've got to tell us why you're on either list zm online to register who's on the nice list colin good morning morena morena um now why are you on the nice list you sound nice already just i sound nice i don't know how nice

i sound this early in the morning okay Okay. Well, what have you done? Well, every time we have a family event or a family dinner or anything, my grandmother, who I love very much, tells the exact same story about avocados and about a farm. And every time she tells it, I smile and I laugh and I act like it's the first time I've heard it. That's your job as a grandkid. I have had the same before. And it's your first time I've heard it. That's your job as a grandkid. I have had the same before.

And it's your job to be like, yeah. And also to ignore it when they call you your, like my nana always used to call me Ian, which is my dad's name. She'd just be in the conversation. She'd be like, Ian. And I'd be like, yep. And I never corrected her.

It's our job. Colin, can you tell us the quick story of the avocado farm? Yeah, I can tell you because I've heard it so many times. It's a pretty good story, but maybe I'm losing how good it is now that I've heard it so many times. But basically, she still lived on a farm in Australia and she didn't eat the avocados because they tasted bad, but they made excellent missiles.

And every time she says missiles, she does that cute like point and wink thing that old people do. Like missiles, like making sure you know that that's the like, like the big part of her story. Yeah, okay. This is a massive child of avocado. Like a massive waste, but it's okay.

Different times. Right. Oh, so that was it, she just threw them. Yeah, you threw them like missiles or like, I think she had some slings. Right. What would she shoot them at? Yeah.

Each other. The other kids, I think. Oh, my God. Imagine being able to waste avocados with a slingshot. I know. Wow. Oh, my gosh. Not when they're $7 each.

And that was like in the Second World War. And they're just wasting avocados. was like in the Second World War. And they're just wasting avocado. And even in spite of that wastage, I still smile and laugh. Oh, Colin, all right. You are on the nice list. What a good boy. Who's on the naughty list? Well, we go from that kind of wholesomeness and niceness to Amy, who's on the naughty list this year.

Amy, good morning. How are we? Good, Amy. Now, why are you on the naughty list? I've told a little lie to my boyfriend this year. Okay. What is this little lie to my boyfriend this year. Okay. What is this little lie? We got a pet lamb for the kids' lamb and calf day.

Yeah. And she was super cute. She used to travel to work with me every day and sleep under the desk and whatnot. And, I mean, the kids don't care, but I got overly attached. And so I actually told my boyfriend that the farmer rang me and wouldn't take the lamb back, so we've had to keep her. It's become a wee issue because she's sort of like a dog and when she sees the car coming down the driveway,

she chases after us and she jumps on the bonnet of the car, scratches her mouth. Oh, no, naughty lambie. We have to keep her. They can't take her back. But what were you just loaning a sheep, a lamb? I just borrowed her for a couple of months. What, because she was cute and you wanted a little lamb?

Yeah. Brilliant. Right, so the condition was always, always had to go back. The farmer's like, I don't want it back. Farmers famously always turning away animals. Okay, and so you're lying. Are you worried that this will expose you as the liar you are? Or is this sort of like you need to get it off your chest?

No, I feel like if he's listening to the radio right now, it could be a deal breaker for him. He's not happy about it. Well, it's scratching the carb on it. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way you can get some cute little anti-scratch protectant mittens or something for the lamb. Trim the hoofs.

I mean, that's a good thought. I'll try that. That's just an idea. All right. Some boots. Some like doggy boots. Oh, yeah. Now, lambs are cute.

But car scratches, very naughty doggy boots. Oh, yeah. Now, lambs are cute. But car scratches, very naughty. Very naughty. But there's just something about Nan's story about avocado missiles that I just can't get past. It's pretty cute. And, Colin, you are the winner today. Woo! Yay!

Now, we've got to open up this giant box here. Giant box? Is it full of avocados? Easily the biggest missiles, if you will. Missiles? You have won a Weber Baby Cube from Mighty 10, a barbecue grate for cooking at home, plus small and portable enough that you can take to the beach.

Yeah, I think if you got one of these. Thanks so much. That's so good. No, I actually did a naughty thing last week where I didn't. Well, now's to the beach. Yeah, I think, have you got one of these? Oh, thanks so much. That's so good. No, I actually did a naughty thing last week where I didn't, my flatmate, he put a barbecue being like,

hey, does our flat want a free barbecue? And then I ignored the message so we didn't get the free barbecue. Oh, well now you've got a free barbecue. Yay!

Awesome barbecue. All thanks to my to Tanner Webber, Baby Q. Fantastic. Lucky the other cooler didn't win that. That lamb could have

ended up straight on there. It's scratching his car. With those delicious legs. I think we've saved that lamb from a barbecue. Fleshforn and Megan, the podcast. ZM. Am I a bad person? Good morning and welcome to Am I a Bad Person?

Someone has sent in a question. I want to know if they are a bad person for what they plan to do or want to do. They've got a death wish is what they have. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Let me read it to you and you can decide what you think and what they should do. Hey, guys. Hi.

Hi. I need some christmas present advice my girlfriend is an absolute hottie and i think she always looks beautiful but recently she's been complaining about her weight and thinks she needs to go on a diet i want to help this is not the time of year no no first of all not the time of year I want to help. This is not the time of year. No. First of all, not the time of year. I want to help her out and the diet plan slash gym regime she wants

is pretty expensive. I thought maybe I could get her that for Christmas, but I don't want it to come across that I'm pushing her into it or get weird looks from her family at Christmas lunch. Am I a bad person if I get her diet, dieting challenge for Christmas? Again, I think she's beautiful, whatever her size, I just want her to be happy. So when they say like dieting challenge, do they mean like a gym diet package combo where?

Maybe she wants to do like, you know, one of those 12 week challenges or something specific. Right. But it's expensive. Right. But it's expensive. Right. See, I think if she said this is what I want for Christmas, this 12-week dieting challenge, then yes, sure,

buy it for her. But if she didn't ask for it, it's a bad look. What's the answer to the question, do I look fat in this or am I fat? The correct answer is, I think I fat? You always say. The correct answer is I think I'm having a heart attack. You always say it doesn't do you justice.

That's the best answer. If they don't look good in it. It doesn't do you justice. It doesn't do you justice. Yeah, that's a great answer. Okay. And then you're like, okay, cool. Okay, so it works the first time.

I think I'm having a heart attack works every time. Because you could have, okay, cool. I'm going to get some guns. Okay, so it works the first time. I think I'm having a heart attack worse every time because you could have a weak ticker. You could, yeah. The trouble is, depending on the female, she might be complaining about her weight and saying she needs to go on a diet as a semi-fish. Yeah, as to be told that she's going to have a heart attack. You love her regardless.

Not everyone. My advice would be steer clear completely. Yeah. What's like buying someone a vacuum cleaner? Isn't it? As well, that's also a bad gift, isn't it? I'll hear you out on that because someone might be getting a vacuum for Christmas. Unless they specifically...

Did you get... Oh, is this a present for you? Or did you get your wife a vacuum cleaner? A robot vacuum cleaner. See, that's a great... you or did you get your wife a vacuum cleaner? A robot vacuum cleaner. See, that's a great thing because that's a fun gift. Oh, no, that's... That's a fun gift. And she doesn't have to do anything.

She doesn't have to do anything. Oh, okay, phew. Okay, good. Yeah, good gift. We're back, baby. Good gift. I mean, you've ruined it by saying that on the radio, but a stick one or a cord one, that's hard work.

She's got to do the driving. No, a robot one. No, that's... Yeah, good. Okay, well, that's all right. That's fine. But I think, I feel like he answered his question by saying, I don't want it to come across that I'm pushing her into it or get weird looks.

Well, then just don't do it. Get something else. But then there would be people that would be stoked with that gift because it is expensive. Yeah, but also after, if she's still going on about it afterwards, just be like, well, you can get it. Like, totally get it. If they don't pay for it, they might not take it seriously if it's still going on about it afterwards, just be like, well, you can get it. Like, totally get it. If they don't pay for it,

they might not take it seriously. If it's your money. Oh, yeah, that's it. If someone else is paying for your gym membership, are you going to take it that seriously? But if you see the money coming out... And then you can't hold them accountable and be like, you're not going to the gym.

I bought you that. Go to your class. Everybody that pays for their own gym membership still don't go. Yeah. Like, you know, that doesn't mean much to most people, does it? Yeah. 0800-DARZEN-M is the number. Give us a call.

Is he a bad person for wanting to get his girlfriend a diet exercise plan for Christmas? Which she's spoken about, but has not specified that she wants for Christmas. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. Megan's just jealous because Vaughan, during that song, Vaughan just went to the mailroom and somebody else sent me- Anonymously. Anonymously, with a lovely note,

sent me lots of New World stickers for the knives, even though I've already got the set. I haven't. I thought it was finished. No. No. I thought it was done. I'd given up my dreams

of getting the bread knife. Right. Well, do you want these? Yeah, I do. I would love to give you a bread knife. Thank you. You're having a baby. You don't need any more knives. Lorenz will be up on the knife block.

Licking them and such. Can't have a baby licking them. You didn't even know they were still going. You haven't been collecting. I was done. There you go. How many do you need? I'm not doing this anymore.

What, the shot? I'm flipping the board. No, she needs heaps of knives. I'm flipping the board. She's screwed. Just give up now, Megan. It's like you whinging about not winning a race and you're halfway in the field.

You're never going to win. There's no way you're even getting the bread knife or the little knife. It's not you whinging about not winning a race and you're halfway in the field. You're never going to win. There's no way you're even getting the bread knife or the little knife. It's not the same at all because I will collect stickers. Am I a bad person? Next time on Am I a Bad Person, am I a bad person for giving my stickers to Vaughan, not Megan? Especially when he'd given up and wasn't even collecting.

But he only needs one. Also, but I'd like to point out... One sticker. I'd like to point out that Vaughn and I were sent a lot of the knives by New World. I was not. Did you do a post for it? Yeah. You did an Instagram post for it? I'll pull your finger out, New World.

Send her the whole bloody set. Jesus Christ. She did an Instagram post. What's her outfit of you running there? That's why you shouldn't be away sick. Because Vaughn and I took all the knives. Well, you said you were doing a post. I assumed they were going to send you the whole set. Negative.

I would have refused to do the post. I'm a real demon when it comes to SponCon. You cash those in and don't give them to Megan. Oh my gosh. I don't need to work out what knife I need. Now, on the subject of am I a bad person today, at Christmas present, a boyfriend is proposing to give his girlfriend for Christmas

a workout, a diet plan. He calls it a diet plan slash gym regime that she wants. It's pretty expensive. He does say that she wants it, but she didn't specify that she wanted it for Christmas. So is this like a gym membership or an E45 or is it more like one of those influencers that sell their package for like $200 or whatever? I mean, it could be any of that or Or like a 12-week challenge or something. Now.

Does he get her that for Christmas or does he shy away from it? Now, Crystal joins us. What do you think? Is he a bad person, Crystal? Good morning, Ting. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Yay!

And you've always wanted to say that. Absolutely. Dreams will just come true. Good, good. So what do you think? Is he a bad person? No, he's not a bad person, but don't buy her that. If she really wanted it, she'd buy it herself. She'd be more motivated to do it. And if you want to buy her a present, buy her shoes or a handbag.

She doesn't matter how fat she is or how skinny she is, she will always fit those shoes with a handbag. We could be best friends. That is exactly what I would have said. Brilliant. All right, hey, Crystal, first-time caller, long-time listener, thank you for your first call ever. It was brilliant.

We'll go to Emily now. Emily, is he a bad person? Hey, yeah, no, definitely don't get her that, eh? Like, she needs something that's going to make her feel beautiful regardless of her size or whatever. Like a robot vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, maybe. Or like, I don't know, like a massage or like a spa treatment. Like, dude, come on, don't get her the gym thing. She can get that. But he's not a bad guy, right? He's not a bad treatment. Like, dude, come on. Don't give her the gym thing. She can get that. But he's not a bad guy, right?

He's not a bad guy. That's the thing. No, no. He's trying to be thoughtful, definitely. And kudos to him for that. But I just feel like I haven't had him this bad, bro.

What he's done here is he's listened to exactly what a woman said and that's never to be done. Because I feel like even if she opens it up in the back of her mind, she's going to be done. Because I feel like even if she opens it up, in the back of her mind she's going to be like, he thinks I

need this. Yeah, like I definitely said to my boyfriend too, like, oh man like, oh my tummy's getting softer or whatever, like I need to do something and he would never like oh man, if he actually went and did something about that, I would be like, dude really, come on. Has he ever faked a heart attack

to get out of this conversation? Yeah, yeah, the heart attack. Remember when you fake a heart attack, don't grasp at your chest often. It's a sore shoulder that kicks off. Yeah, that ad trips me up too. I never pick the person having a heart attack. On the bench in the background. I did. First time I watched it.

I was like, that person in the background's really full in a bit. Are they all dying? I don't know. Fran, is he a bad person? Morning, guys. Oh my gosh, can I just say, that person in the background's really falling a bit. Are they all dying? I don't know. Fran, is he a bad person? Morning, guys. Oh, my gosh. Can I just say, this is the second time I've made it on the radio in a week, and I feel so good about it. Oh, my God.

No, Fran. The saying is not long-termness in the second time corner in one week. One week. You won't get the reaction. You won't get as much of a reaction. Now, Fran, what do you think? No, you're right. What do you think?

Is he a bad person? I don't think he much of a reaction. Now, Fran, what do you think? No, you're right. What do you think? Is he a bad person? I don't think he's a bad person. I just bought my partner, like, a mass gainer protein and pre-workout because he just told me he wanted to gain weight. Like, he wants to put on weight. So I just bought him that for Christmas. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Who in the end of 2020 is like, I want to put on weight?

Damn those people. I hate you. I know. Yeah. Man, I tell you what I need to do. Put on some weight. I tell you,

isn't it? You've just given, not only have you given him gains and all that protein, you've given yourself at least a few months of horrible farts. Yeah,

huge Dutch ovens. Good luck with those Dutch ovens. Fran, thank you for your call. Matt, bad person? Morning, Fletch. Morning. I'm also going to join the queue

of first-time Caller Longtime Listener. Yay! Oh, Fran, what's up? Welcome, Matt. Yeah. So, Matt, what do you think? Is he a bad person? Mate, I think he's a young buck

about to make a huge mistake. One that he's going to regret for the rest of his life, to be honest. He's doing the male thing and taking it literally. Yeah, of course. Trying to apply logic to it and he's about to be the laughingstock of her and all her friends.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the thing. She's not opening it by herself. She's going to be opening it in front of people. People, yeah. And let's be honest, your family already give you enough comments about your way to Christmas.

Yeah, they sure do. You don't need a present adding to it. Matt thinks he calls some text messages. I think you'd sum it up. Saying he's not a bad person. But don't do it. Yep. Someone said,

from a female in the same boat who asked for the same thing for Christmas. Don't do it. It's not what we really want. Oh, what? Stop doing it then. Stop doing it. She literally asked for it for Christmas.

You're setting a trap. We're simple creatures. It's black and white. Oh, don't set the trap. Don't set a trap for us to fall in. We just want to do what you want. Draw the line. Don't do it.

Fleshformer Megan. The podcast. ZM. Megan is in a huff I'm not going to do the jingle You can do it as a two piece Do it as a duet Anna one, Anna two, Anna Fact of the day Day, day, day

It's not the same, is it? You're missing a sweetness. That acapella take on the front there, that was like some improv comedy, wasn't it? That was beautiful, wasn't it? Yeah, it was good. We just kind of knew. We were missing someone, though. Someone that doesn't have the full knife set from New World in that jingle.

Yeah, but maybe they don't deserve to be in the jingle because they don't have the full knife set. I hate you two. Maybe that's admission to club jingle. How many more days? How are you going to love your three months off from us? So much. I feel like you're still going to slip me the most annoying Facebook messages. I'll send you a photo of my knife set. Your three month break would be better as if

one month in you weren't squeezing something huge out of your vagina It's still worth it I would rather experience the pain

of childbirth every week than work with Fletcher Vaughan That really hurts our feelings That's the sort of thing someone without

the full New World Knife set says to their workmates Today's fact of the day I need my music plays maestro That's the sort of thing someone without the full New World knife set says to you. Good work, mate. Today's fact of the day. I need my music plays maestro. You know this song?

Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree. What's a sable? It's like a mink. It's like a mink. Oh. Like a creature. Well, no, we can't do that this year. They've all been killed. No, it's COVID.

Put in a big hole. Yeah, and what has she wanted for her? It wouldn't be a mink. Oh. Like a creature. Well, no, we can't do that this year. They've all been killed. No, COVID. Put in a big hole. Yeah, and what has she wanted for her? It wouldn't be a good pet. Purely for fur, surely. Surely. Anyway, I'll continue playing Santa Baby. Because today's fact of the day is the singer of Santa Baby died on Christmas Day. The irony.

I know. Eartha Kitt was her name. She was also Catwoman in 1960s Batman. Oh, okay. You know, the old Adam West. Where they did the pow, pow, pow, whack, crash, bang. Yep. Yeah, so she had the song written for her.

She was a little bit of a hot piece of property. Okay. Hadn't done a lot of singing, mostly acting. And so they said, do you want to sing a Christmas song? And she was like, okay. And then she sung Santa Baby. Wow. And died on Christmas Day.

Yes. So did George Michael. Yes. I actually looked up people that had died on Christmas Day. Yeah. Jesus. No, born on Christmas Day. You always get that.

Charlie Chaplin died on Christmas Day. You know, the old silent actor. Yeah. The black and white films comedian. He died. Yep. And of course, Adrian I, the Italian Pope. Of course.

I'm just stalling while this page loads. It's listed in chronological order. Oh, right. Dean Martin, one of those. He sung Baby It's Cold Outside. Oh, right, okay. Dean Martin, one of those he sung Baby It's Cold Outside. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you want to be singing

Christmas songs, it seems like, if you sing a really big one. I'd be careful if I was Mariah Carey. I'd put one of those sticky things in the shower. Yeah.

I don't like using those at the hotels because they're manky. Yeah. And everyone else has touched them with their manky feet. I'd just rather take

a head knock in a fall. I'd just rather chance it. Oh, at least I didn't touch the manky mat. Than use that octopussy mat that's all manky. Yeah, it is like tentacles. Yeah, when you rip it up. Once I ran a bath and forgot to take it out of the bottom, and then it was impossible to peel off under the water, I had to sit on it.

Yeah. So one day if I do take a fall in a hotel shower and I'm bleeding out, I'll... That'll be wine. I don't know if I'll even regret not putting it down because it's yuck.

Also, just if we continue from that grim topic back to people who have died on Christmas Day, James Brown. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Get on down.

You got ants in your pants. James Brown. Oh, yep. Yep. Get on down. You got ants in your pants. James Brown. And JonBenet Ramsey. Oh, that's right. I didn't know that because I didn't watch that documentary. That was a great Netflix. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know that, but that was on Christmas Day as well.

So today's fact of the day is the singer of Santa Baby died on Christmas Day. Fact of the day. Day, day, day, day. Remember when we couldn't even get takeaways? Yes. We had to like cook every meal for ourselves. What are you talking about, the 80s? Lockdown. Or the 90s, basically my childhood until I left home.

Otherwise known as lockdown. Then I didn't know how to stop myself. Well, the two biggest ordering apps and sites, MenuLog and Uber Eats, have revealed what we loved this year in terms of takeaway food. Okay. Their top picks. Burgers?

Now, is this categories or, like, specific outlets? No. Because I feel like some will be an advantage of being franchised. It's specific foods. Okay. Specific foods. So you're going to wager a guess. Burgers?

Burgers. Pizza. Just trying to think of good takeaway delivery foods. I would have said burgers. But pizza, they'd be dealing with themselves. They do their own. Yeah, that's true. Famously always on their own delivery.

Yeah, that's true. So like Domino's and Pizza Hut and stuff, you order it in their own app. So we'll start with menu log. Indian cuisine. The biggest was butter chicken. Yep. So you call me a basic B, but how many other people love the butter chicken?

The butter chicken's the best. You don't understand. Basic B means you are everybody. Everybody. Yeah, that's why you are a basic B. My understanding is this backs us up. I understand that. I'm just saying we are the people. We are the...

There's never been any disagreement that basic bees are the majority. I'm just saying... But they're not the tastemakers. We are the majority and we are great. So yeah, everyone was loving a bit of butter chicken. And the other Indian dishes that were massive

as well was a tikka masala chicken, tikka masala and a chicken korma. Do you say tikka or tikka? I say tikka masala. I say tikka masala, but I could be wrong. I don't know. I actually don't know if that's right or wrong. Tikka masala. I thought that was just your axiom.

You're like, tikka masala. Tikka. Actually, no, change that back to butter chicken. I'm into korma. If you're into a chicken, you should be into a korma. I love a korma. I love a korma too. I like a tikka. There's a bit of a tang to the butter chicken. I'm into korma. If you're into a chicken, you should be into a korma. I love a korma. I love a korma too. That's why I like a teka.

There's a bit of a tang to the butter chicken that you like. I tell you what, a vindaloo though, that'll tear you wide open. No, no, we're not going for a vindaloo, no.

Love it. Hawaiian pizza and pepperoni pizza rounded out the top five for menu log. Okay. Oh, wait, I thought, so those were the top five.

Okay, I thought those were, or you thought every Indian dish was a no. I thought we were just ranking Indian dishes., so those were the top four. Okay. I thought those were, or you thought every Indian dish was a no. I thought they were just ranking Indian dishes. No, that was the top three were Indian, specific Indian dishes. Yeah, good. All chicken dishes as well. Yep.

Next, for Uber Eats, the top, they don't go into like a big list. They're just telling us what the most popular was for this year. Oh, no guesses? We're just waiting for you to tell us. Thai. No. No? No, because there's not enough Thai places on Uber Eats.

It'll be like burgers. It'll be burgers. It was something that has doubled in popularity on the same time as last year. Oosh. It's come out of nowhere. It's a very specific cuisine and not something I would personally order on like an Uber Eats

because I feel like it wouldn't be in the same condition when it got to you. It would not be a steak. It's Mexican. Okay. The taco. Taco. People are ordering tacos. Oh, taco.

Do you feel like we don't get to you? Maybe the taco. Yeah, I don't. There might be some lettuce that's come out of the soft shell. Well, the soft shell might be a little bit soggy. It's definitely something you can do at home too. Have you had the farras? Have you had the farras?

I have not, no. Have you had the farras? Yeah. You too? Lovely. Aren't they lovely? I'll give them 20 seconds on each side in a medium to hot pan. Oh, yeah, you always do that.

Oh, what a treat. Unless you're a French hard shell taco over here. It's like having your taco ingredients in a chip. Have some chips beforehand if you're so short on chips. Also, Uber Eats has shared the top meal for isolation hotels. Oh, yeah. Where people are like, no, I don't want to eat this. I'm going to get a...

Fascinating. Is it me garang noodles in a jug? Because my friend Joel's in a hotel down the road and I said I'd do some shopping for him. And he specifically asked for a 10 pack of mega ring noodles. And I was like, oh, do you need a microwave container? Yeah. He's like, I don't have a microwave.

And I was like, well, are you just going to eat them raw, dog? And he's like, no, I'm going to cook them in the kettle. You should have got the cup one. Yeah, you should have got the mega ring. You put the hot water in the cup one. And then you seal it back up. Yeah, and you just wait a couple of minutes. I don't know.

So if you're ever staying at the Mercure when COVID ends. And it smells like chicken. Your cup of tea tastes chickeny. That would be why. It tastes like you're drinking a chicken soup, Earl Grey. God, I hope I don't get his kettle taken away from him. I hope he does get his kettle pumped up. Did you say his name?

Is this Hot Joel? No, don't say his name. Don't give up. He's been born.ettle Confiscated. Did you say his name? Is this Hot Joel? No. Don't say his name. Don't give up. Excuse me, Vaughn. Carry on, Megan. No, he's attractive. I'm saying, oh, Hot Joel. Confiscated Hot Joel's Kettle at the McHua.

He's taking the mick. No, number one for isolation hotel meals from Uber Eats was the cheeseburger. Oh, yeah. You just need a cheesy B because you don't want to eat what they've given you. Cheesy B. Also, from 2020, let us never take for granted takeaways ever again.

No. I'm in. I'm in. Fleshforn and Megan. The podcast. ZM. This research has claimed to have found the star signs that were the naughtiest and nicest over 2020. Now, before you scoff, they have asked over 12,000 people worldwide a series of questions which evaluated their behaviour. So whether they lied, whether they cheated, swore, even driving, whether they drive through red lights and that kind of thing. And that scored them naughty points.

Somebody came up to me with a clipboard or randomly called my phone or emailed me asking to take part asking this kind of information I'd instantly think it was a set up. Especially if one of the first questions is what star sign are you? This is great isn't it? Thorough. Obviously science

based. Well it's collected people who were born, I mean whether you believe in star signs or not, in the same time of the year. There is a definitive naughty sign for 2020. Scorpios came out on top as the naughtiest. Okay.

So, 89% of these Scorpios were swearing. 63% have admitted in 2020 to cheating. Wow. And 69% drove recklessly, which they also admitted to. So if you're in the car with your boyfriend who's a Scorpio driving recklessly, swearing, he's probably in trouble.

That's just him, babes. That was the star sign he was born under. You knew that it was going to be an odd fit. You being an Aries, he being a Scorpio. But, you know, that's just the Scorpio being a Scorpio. Capricorns came in next as a second audience and around 68% said they blamed someone else for their mistakes this

year. That was big for Capricorns. Okay. Always passing the buck, aren't they, Capricorns? Yeah. Now, the nicest sign. The nicest sign this year. He said passing the buck, and I was like, that was a clever pun.

But Capricorns are goats. Yeah. I was thinking they might have been deers for a minute there, but I guess it's all made up, so it doesn't matter. But go on. I'll hear the rest of the list. Out of the interest of the fact I have nothing more to add to the show. I am plumb out of ideas.

Over the next few days, you can expect a lot more of this because I'm in the departure lounge and I can't be bothered fighting content. Fighting or finding? Both, Megan. Fighting the content, but also finding my own content to replace the content that I would so fight. Now, if this was May, you'd have a fisticuffs on your hands.

There's no way I'm going to. No, you wouldn't actually. In May, I'm still in the warm-up zone for the year. When do you hit your peak? I reckon I hit my peak around late July, August, which is when we take a holiday. And then I have the post-holiday blues, and then I'm just getting over that,

and I put myself into the Christmas departure lounge. So what we can take from this is that your actually willingness to be here is very low most days. But I tell you what's lower, my willingness to fight what you guys want to put forward to be on the show. Okay, I appreciate your honesty. Don't you choke and die because then I'll have to do more work. Libras are the nicest star sign. They have half the amount of naughty points as Scorpios. Also, my preferred brand of tampon.

Libra Fleur. Yeah. Is Cancer on the list at all? No. All of us, everyone on the show, we've got a few Leos, a Sagittarius, what are you? Pisces. Pisces, of course.

And a Cancer. None of us are on the list. Who else is on the nice list? What are the star signs? Just Libra. Just Libras. Which one's Libra? The balance. The scales. Oh, okay. Is it? Yeah.

Right. Good one, Libras. Yeah, good one. No one's like looking at the scales this year.