ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - 29th July 2021
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Play! Z-Men's Fletchbourne and Megan.
Hello, welcome to the Fletchbourne and Megan podcast.
It's thanks to McCafe. Grab any size McCafe coffee for only $4. Conditions apply.
Great news for people following the magnet fishing adventure.
DeMarcle.
Much more of an adventure.
Right.
Well, we lost two of our fishing magnets, two sets down.
Yeah, thanks Jeff Bezos for your crappy
magnets. I don't think it could be
on him. He just sent the magnets.
He facilitated the magnets. Okay.
Well, we've heard from James who works at
Magnets New Zealand, which I saw
on Monday night when I took Indy to
hockey because she plays hockey at the North Harbour
Hockey Stadium. They've got a shop.
And the magnets places over the road.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
Did you ditch the hockey game to go look?
No, because it was shut.
Do they sell those magnets that if you've got an old energy meter
that has a turning dial, you can put a magnet on
and it stops your meter ticking up power?
I think any of those rare earth metals will do that.
That's why they went through such a flurry a few years ago
of updating them all to digital self-reporting power meters.
Okay, I'm certainly just for the record not encouraging anybody
to steal power from our national energy providers.
Absolutely not.
Because that's actually illegal.
Yeah.
Yes.
But he said he's got two sets for us.
So producer Jared, who lives on the North Shore,
is going to go pick up our magnet fishing kits,
which means one thing.
Is this it?
Yep.
Magnets New Zealand Limited.
Oh, my God.
Look at all of them.
Which means only one thing.
What?
More magnet fishing adventures this weekend.
Jared's going up north.
Where are you going up north?
Where do you folks live?
Oh, no.
Can't hear you.
Please wait, Jared, for the channel to go up.
Heading up to Paihe.
Paihe, that's an old part of New Zealand.
He could fish out a musket.
He could fish out.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
A musket.
Cannonball.
Yes.
Yeah, there's quite a nice jetty thing.
The first draft of the treaty settlement.
Yep.
The pen that they used.
Why is that metal?
Threw into the ocean.
The draft.
Why is that metal?
Oh, they didn't have paper then when they signed the treaty.
They engraved it.
They took it to Mr. Minute.
That's why there's so much confusion over Tedity
because Mr. Minute was trying to engrave as quick as he could.
Look, they do fridge magnets.
We could be those annoying real estate people
that have a calendar on a magnet.
With a weak fridge magnet.
It could be like,
Fletch, we're on a magnet and we're always sliding off your fridge
because we didn't invest
In a good magnet
You're watching TV
And you hear
What was that?
It was the fridge magnet
Slipping off
I don't know what changed
The fucking Harcourt's calendar again
It's under the fridge
I don't know what's changed
But maybe a breeze
Threw it off balance
And it slipped down the fridge
But anyway
Thank you James
James providing us
With more fishing kits
So we can no doubt lose them too,
but have fun doing so.
Well, at least if you lose them, you haven't paid for them.
James can just keep funding your habit.
I don't think he's going to.
You be careful with those magnets.
Well, you know how fishing programs always have heaps of sponsors,
like they've got Shimano jackets and stuff on.
We could wear a New Zealand magnets hat.
Get our sponsors on some clothing.
I reckon it'll be ripper.
What are you looking at now?
I'm looking.
Do they have a section that's magnet fishing?
I don't think they do on their website.
Okay.
Well, he is going to send us a kit, apparently.
He might be putting it together himself.
Yeah, good.
One of those rare earth neodymium ones in your top left-hand corner.
Because I'm imagining this is a warehouse.
Does he just walk into work and everything in his pockets are like,
boing.
The stacking of magnets would be.
Yeah.
That'd actually be really interesting to see.
Fishing.
What they put between them so they don't all just go,
do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Oh, yeah, look.
Look at these fishing magnets.
Yeah.
That's the good stuff.
Holy manoli.
Those are powerful.
Great.
Look at that one.
$5 for that little one.
That's a ceramic ring.
Anyway, I can do this on my own time.
Yeah, and you will.
Thanks for that, James.
So stay tuned for more magnet fishing adventures.
But right now, enjoy Here Is A Podcast.
Enjoy your ears.
English is your first language.
Here Is A Podcast. Here is our podcast for you to enjoy
Thanks Rachel
Good morning
Welcome to the show
Fleets, Fawn and Megan
Three minutes past six
Good morning
Well I didn't watch the match last night
You were still up, I noticed.
Yeah, I watched the sevens final between Fiji and New Zealand.
And to be honest, it never felt like we were in it.
Really?
Yeah, they scored two tries in like the first couple of minutes.
Oh, okay.
And then we were just chasing our tail.
You know, I was offering some armchair coach advice there to the team.
How did they take that?
Yeah, kept it coming, running out the side.
We've got the numbers out these ways.
No, don't go back that way.
Run it up.
Run it straight.
That just sounds like an old man yelling at his television.
It was a bit like that.
I even stood up at one stage and said,
Go, you bastard!
Like that when a guy was running and then he slowed down.
I was like, don't slow down now!
It was all go.
What was the final score?
Do you remember?
24-12.
Oh, so it was an absolute hiding.
They ran in.
There was kind of a chance where we thought we could level it,
and then not only did we not level it,
they immediately scored again.
Right.
Well, so we've got two silver medals.
But they're still silver medals.
Yeah, two silver medals and a bronze.
No gold. Yeah. Yeah, two silver medals and a bronze. No gold.
Yeah.
Have we done the per capita table yet?
Has someone done that?
Because surely we're winning that.
No, Fiji would be doing better than us.
Because they've got a goal.
And far less population.
We've got less COVID.
Jesus.
You're doing the one thing. I don't even want COVID into Jesus. Why did you do it? You're doing the one thing.
I didn't want COVID into it.
Shoot at the GDP.
Shoot at things that don't.
I'll find some tables
we're better at than me.
We've got this COVID.
Wow.
But that was also
what made it so special.
I'm competitive, guys.
When they won,
they were so,
they were all,
I mean, very passionate people. I'm competitive, guys. When they won, they were so, yeah, they were all, I mean,
very passionate people.
Yeah.
Good on them.
Good on them.
The Ollie,
why are they calling them
the Ollie Whites?
Because they're usually
all whites.
Yeah.
And it's the Olympics,
so it's the Ollie Whites.
Oh, I don't like it.
Oh, okay.
Oh, we'll change it then.
I'll send them a memo.
I don't, yeah,
it's a bit weird.
Well, the all whites,
they're into the quarterfinals.
Yeah.
Because they drew against Romania.
That's right, Romania.
Who South Korean broadcaster MBC
introduced in the opening ceremony
as the home of Dracula.
Brilliant.
I want to know what they said about New Zealand
in the opening ceremony.
We would have heard about it if it was bad
Yeah, probably just a candy fruit
Because didn't they say about Ukraine
They said Chernobyl as well
They had a photo of Chernobyl
Yeah
Was it their attempt at humour?
No
Or it was not meant to be humorous?
It wasn't meant to be humorous
Oh wow
Okay
Absolute markmas
Coming up on the show
The top six is coming up before seven.
There is a Commerce Commission investigation into supermarkets being released.
This will be good.
This is going to be good because they are a bit naughty, the supermarkets, aren't they?
Well, there's been a couple of stories lately about how naughty they can be.
Strong-arming, et cetera.
Yeah.
So I've got the top six fines from the Commerce Commission investigation into supermarkets.
How do you know these?
It's not released until later. I've got the inside word. Okay the Commerce Commission investigation into supermarkets. How do you know these? It's not released until later.
I've got the inside word.
Oh, okay.
Smitty.
Old friends with the journos.
Loves a name suppression, don't you?
You love one of those.
Huge fan of a name suppression.
Sometimes, nine out of ten times, a well-known New Zealander is not a well-known New Zealander.
It's just for the headline, aren't they?
It's the lawyer's way of
getting name suppression. Oh, if their name
gets out, it'll ruin their high-profile career.
And some old, doddery judge is like,
well, I've never heard of them.
Yeah, but you're old. All the young people have.
No one has.
No one has. So Top 6 is coming
up. We've also got your chance to win on the show
Cash before 7 o'clock.
We've got our super sticky grid in studio.
It's covered in super sticky post-it notes.
And you've just got to get through and uncover one of these spots on the grid to win cash.
Next on the show, though.
Why are so many Olympians covered in polka dots?
Yeah, lots of polka dots.
ZDM's Fletch, Ron and Megan. Yeah, lots of polka dots. People who aren't familiar with cupping are freaking out
because the Olympics, the swimming is happening
and the swimmers are covered in red polka dots.
Yeah.
And it's cupping marks.
I think the first time I ever saw cupping was at the pool,
at the swimming pool.
Oh, really?
Yeah, like maybe when I'd first moved to Auckland
and you'd see the odd pool. Oh really? Yeah, like maybe when I'd first moved to Auckland and you'd
see the odd person. Right. And you'd be like
what are those perfectly
formed hickeys all over their
back and chest? Bag hickeys.
Bag hickeys. I was going to say, why is it so prevalent
with swimmers? But it's more the fact that you can
see their body. Yeah, yeah.
Sports people. But I feel like it's
definitely become more
commonplace. Well, I read into
the origins of it at the Olympics.
It's kind of been done
behind the scenes or low key, but
Michael Phelps
made it popular
in 2016's Rio
de Janeiro games.
He had cupping marks on his body and
people were like, tell us more. And then everyone's like,
well, if that's all it takes to be a Olympic swimmer, I'm
going to be shot.
Because have you ever had, I've never had it done.
No, neither.
But I've seen the little glass cups that they put on.
I had it done, teamed up with acupuncture.
Okay.
When I had shingles.
Oh, right.
I was like, well, acupuncture this and cupping that.
And I was just, I would have tried anything at that stage because shingles is bloody horrible.
But yeah, it's
That's the little they put in his glass.
Well, the guy I used,
he heated it up and then stuck it on.
And when it cools down, it sucks skin
in. Yeah, right. But there are
the ones that they pop on and they've got a little pump
on the top and they
Yeah.
And they like suck it up and then Yeah, right. When they need to go, they just got a little pump on the top and they... Yeah. And they like suck it.
And then...
Yeah, right.
When they need a dough, they just push the little valve on the top.
So there's two types of cupping as well.
Yeah.
There's wet cupping.
Okay.
Where blood comes out.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, I guess you pierce and then...
Oh, you.
And there's dry cupping, which pulls on the skin without piercing it.
Right.
And that's because the cups,
the little glass cups are perfectly round.
That's why you get the perfectly round...
Yeah, it's like a hickey.
It is like a hectic hickey.
Yeah, it is.
And what are the origins?
It's like ancient Chinese medicine, isn't it?
Yeah, it's like acupuncture.
It's been around forever.
Yeah.
I don't know if, like, it's been looked into at a medical level.
Yeah.
To see what it does, but it's just kind of like a stretch and a...
Wasn't it meant to, like, draw out all the bad toxins?
Draw out the bad stuff and the lactic stuff and bits and pieces.
But I've seen someone have it done right next to their back
and they just took all the pressure off their compressed disc.
Oh, yeah.
And they were like, it just took the pressure off
and it pulled the pressure in a different,
which gave them some form of relief.
Yeah.
How long do your hickeys last?
Like the same amount of?
Same amount as a hickey.
Ah, right.
Okay.
Much bigger though.
A lot more concealer.
If you keep getting it done every day at the Olympics, you'd have some that would fade
into nothing and you'd have some real freshies.
Yeah.
You'd have the whole colour grade of hickeys.
Because what did, do you think before Michael Phelps that swimmers would just not do it
before the Olympics so they didn't look dotty?
Not as, yeah, well maybe they did, but they weren't as high profile as Michael Phelps.
Okay.
Yeah.
Huh.
Yeah.
I wonder if they'll see an uptake.
Again after this.
Well, just in the general public.
Yeah.
Well, that's, it's always after the Olympics, everything about the Olympics gets a bit of
an uptake.
Yeah.
Like kids want to have a go at track and field and swimming.
Swimming, apparently it's really good for swimming.
Yeah, right. People get a bit more into swimming. Until parents realise they have to wake up and swimming. Apparently it's really good for swimming. Yeah, right.
People get a bit more into swimming.
Until parents realise they have to wake up at 4.30 in the morning
and drop their kids at the pool.
And the shine wears off because kids are like,
why aren't I an Olympic champion already?
I've been at this for two whole weeks.
And then you leave school for uni and you've never done sport.
You've never done swimming.
You've never gone to nationals and won anything
and never made the Olympic team.
And what a waste of time that was for your parents.
And then 20 years later, you're like,
I could play a game of social hockey.
And then you can't.
Your knees are like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You fool.
Play ZM's Flesh, Fawn and Megan.
Anna Peterson Dental.
She has racked up almost 3 million views on TikTok.
Anna Peterson Dental.
And she's now got a jingle. Do you think she needs
that jingle? I doubt it.
And what she put on
TikTok has brought to life the
debate on when you
use mouthwash.
So her initial video was
don't ever use mouthwash
after you brush your teeth. And everyone's like,
say what? That's what I do.
Brush. And I feel like we've talked about this before.
Yeah.
Because you do it before.
I use a plaques.
I use a plaques.
When I was a Listerine kid,
when we were kids and we had Listerine,
God, that stuff still burns by the way.
I can't,
even as an adult,
Listerine,
I'm just like.
The brown Listerine.
The brown Listerine is petrochemical.
There's no doubt about it in my mind.
Even if I bought Listerine, the brown one freaks me out.
It's a wheeze color.
It's like a golden wheeze Listerine.
It's the Bear Grylls Listerine Special.
Yeah, yeah.
That still burns.
I'm a plaques man, and you plaques before you floss.
Sometimes I got some plaques in my mouth while I floss,
really ramming them between my teeth.
I saw in the supermarket the other day,
they had Listerine doing a pride mouthwash. I don't know what that one tastes like. I saw it in the supermarket the other day. Listerine are doing a
pride mouthwash. I don't know what that one tastes.
I got it. No. Was it Listerine?
I think, yeah.
What colour is it?
It needs to be rainbow. Oh, no, no.
It was a rainbow flag, this one.
Yeah, the bottle's a rainbow flag.
But the pink. Okay.
But it's a pink mouthwash. Well, I can tell
you, you're both doing it wrong because the debate is always whether you mouthwash before or mouthwash Okay. Right, okay. Mouthwash. Well, I can tell you, you're both doing it wrong.
Because the debate is always whether you mouthwash before or mouthwash after.
So, Anna Peterson Dental has...
Anna Peterson Dental.
After she said, don't mouthwash after you brush.
Who did?
Anna Peterson Dental.
Anna Peterson Dental.
Everyone's like, well, when do we do it?
So let me try as I'm not a dental professional,
but after watching your videos,
I feel like I've got enough information to relate.
What about producer Jared?
We must know the answer to this because it's me.
The midi is, what's the official title of the midi?
A dental hygienist?
Dental hygienist?
No, she's a dental assistant.
Oh, okay.
So then the dentist is like,
don't sound disappointed in it. No, I'm not disappointed. No, she's a dental assistant. Oh, okay. So then the dentist is like... Don't sound disappointed in it.
No, I'm not disappointed.
No, Jared's sounding disappointed.
She has to train to be a hygienist.
Yeah, hygienist is almost as much training as a dentist.
Yeah, I think if you hang in there for another couple of years at Otago,
they'll slap a dentist on you.
Okay, yeah, right.
Okay.
So that's how it works, is it?
I think it's pretty close. Yeah, right, okay. The difference's how it works, is it? I think it's pretty close.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
The difference in training.
But does she mouthwash?
I've never actually watched her brush her teeth, but I assume so.
Okay.
Odd that you've never seen her do that.
I know she does it, but I don't like watching people spit stuff out.
Really?
Okay.
Really?
I've learned something about you today. That's it. Really? Okay, wow. I've learned something about you today.
That's it.
Really?
Okay,
wow.
Wow.
We just need a moment
there,
don't we?
I want to say something
but I won't.
No,
we're thinking it.
I've never put myself
into the class
of liking
or not liking
to watch people
spit things out
but now that you think about it, I don't usually think I not liking to watch people spit things out. But now that you think about it, I don't think that you should think I'd like to watch people spit things out anymore.
Anna Peterson Dental.
She keeps your teeth white, your braces tight, your smile bright.
She's Anna Peterson Dental.
Okay, do you want me to try and explain?
Yeah, 100%.
So toothpaste has lots of fluoride per fancy measurement.
You're doing a great job of explaining so far, can I say.
I'm trying to do it for every man.
So toothpaste has more fluoride than mouthwash.
Hey, so does the water, man.
So when you brush your teeth,
you've got all this good fluoride on your teeth from the toothpaste,
and then when you mouthwash, you're washing it off for a product that has less. So she you brush your teeth, you've got all this good fluoride on your teeth from the toothpaste. And then when you mouthwash,
you're washing it off for a product that has less.
So she said that's why you don't do it.
Then everyone's like, well, when do we mouthwash?
So apparently you get up in the morning,
you floss and you brush.
And then when you eat,
after you eat is when you should mouthwash.
Because if you brush your teeth after you eat,
you're scrubbing in acid into your teeth and it causes erosion.
But if you use mouthwash, you're rinsing off the acid that you had when you ate.
Ah, okay.
So mouthwash is after you eat.
Right.
Did I do a good job?
I feel like I did a really good job of that.
Yeah, I feel like that was pretty good.
So you should use mouthwash as a post-meal clean.
Yes.
Really? Okay.
Rather than anything to do with your actual toothbrushing routine.
It's a separate thing.
We did a thing where we were going out
for dinner the other night and I felt like I didn't need
a full brush and I just did a wash
and then Shado was like, you're not going to brush.
I was like, no, I just felt like I just needed a light
freshener in lieu of a
mint. You need like a little bottle
of mouthwash in your hand. Like a little
travel size. Yeah. No, I'd confuse it with a hand sander and get a mouthful of a mint. You need like a little bottle of mouthwash in your hand. Like a little travel size.
Yeah.
No, I'd confuse it with a hand, Sandy, and get a mouthful of Purell.
Anna Peterson Dental.
Wait, does she even in New Zealand?
She keeps her teeth white, your braces tight, your smile bright.
She fights the good fight.
She's open day and night.
Anna Peterson Dental.
Is she in America?
Is she in America?
She might be British, actually.
Oh.
Anna Peterson Dental.
ZDM's Fletchmore and Megan.
I'm sure this is something that people would have joked about,
maybe wanted to do,
but a woman has absolutely put an ad out
for someone to look after her mother-in-law at the wedding.
Oh, okay.
Did she get boozy?
There's a list of issues
with the mother-in-law.
It says in the ad she will probably wear white,
try to escalate small dramas
and your job is to
simply distract and
flatter her for two days.
And you'll make an easy $1,000.
Oh, okay.
Has she put this out?
Two people already going to the wedding or she will be inviting an additional guest?
No, a stranger, which I thought you'd give that job to someone who was already going
to be there so it wasn't so obvious.
Because were you about to say you had somebody chaperoning your mother-in-law?
No, but I did have someone I wish had been chaperoned at my first wedding.
It was a relative.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Someone that had the ability to cut the mic as well.
Yeah.
That would have been great.
Just a cut.
Know when to cut that off.
Yeah.
So the posting says that they're going to,
well, you need to be a conversationalist, a de-escalator, a good dancer,
experienced with narcissists, able to pretend you happen to be a conversationalist, a de-escalator, a good dancer, experienced with narcissists, able to pretend you happen to be a guest,
interested in sitting, dancing with the mother-in-law,
able to give her your undivided attention from Friday through to Saturday,
ideal age range 40 to 60-ish.
Sounds like they need somebody from Red Badge Security.
But do Red Badge Security do like a formal high-vis red and fluoro yellow jacket?
Tuxedo?
Yeah.
Dinner vest?
They do.
A red badge dinner vest.
So to me, it sounds like the mother-in-law is single too, and they want someone to be
like, oh yeah, I'm a guest, and then just take a random interest in the mother-in-law
for a day and a half.
Sounds to me like she needs a propofol injection on the way in so that she
passes out and then just keep her sedated for a couple
of days and tell her she ate some bad
oysters and teamed up with too much booze and tell
her it's her fault. She sounds like a pain in
the arse. I love how she's like the mother-in-law
will probably wear white.
Good lord. That's
on the husband to. Yeah, to
say don't wear white.
I'm doing it anyway.
Don't.
But initially, it sounds all like a joke.
But at the end, she says, please send a photo.
And also, you must be OK with us running a background check for our safety.
Wow. So it sounds serious.
Hey, that's an easy $1,000, though.
Well, depending on how intense the mother is.
No, it sounds like a horrible $1,000.
But a great story to tell later.
Yeah.
Also.
Play ZM's Flesh, Vaughan and Megan.
Well, researchers, you know, with all the things in the world,
all the problems that need solving,
researchers and experts at the Nottingham Trent University
have looked into how to have a better relationship with your cat.
Well, I mean, no offence to the Nottingham Trent University,
but I haven't heard any majorly groundbreaking research
come out from them before.
So maybe they just like doing the cat research.
Oh, big words.
You don't know that they haven't come out with something big?
Quickly Google Nottingham Trent University.
Nottingham Trent.
Yeah.
Nottingham Trent University.
Okay, because at the moment, this cat study is top of the list.
Okay.
Have a little research there.
They have looked into how to have a better relationship with your cat or cats,
and they have concluded that you need to-
Oh, my God.
What?
Nottingham Trent University is the university that Matt Berry went to.
Who's Matt Berry?
Matt Berry from the IT crowd.
Yes.
Toast of London.
Toast of London.
What we do in the shadows.
Great university.
Father!
If you haven't seen Toast of London on Netflix, it's hilarious.
Okay, well, obviously a great university with alumni like that.
They have basically said that if you want to have a better relationship with your cat,
you need to let your cat choose when it wants to be petted or patted.
But it's like, I want to be petted, I want to be petted, I want to be petted.
No, I don't.
Yeah, that's the thing.
So they've come up with a thing that they're calling CAT, C-A-T.
You need to give your cat the choice.
So C stands for choice and control over whether or not to interact.
So if it comes up to you.
You can pat it.
You can pat it.
Not just go up to it and start patting it.
A, pay attention.
I'm sorry.
It's a cat.
It'll get patted because it's a cat
it's yours
and you
and you want a cat
I feed the stupid thing
it's not very often
I want to pat
but if I want to like
pat it real hard
well no
that's why dogs
are so much better than cats
because you
you can pat a dog
anytime
and it's like
yes yes yes
whereas cats are like
you're rolling the dice
on whether it's going to
hiss and scratch you
so A
so C is the choice and control over when it chooses when to interact.
Consent, yeah.
A is attention, consent with your cat, basically.
And A is attention.
Pay attention to your pet's behaviour and body language.
T is think about where on the cat's body you're touching.
Because it doesn't like to be touched.
Because it might not like it on the belly or whatever.
And then if you do this, it'll like you better.
I don't know.
Like, I don't know.
Okay.
What they're doing at this university, but yeah.
Don't cats like to be, like, petted early in the morning when you're asleep?
It's like, now is the time, master.
Right.
It says that cats are easily overstimulated by petting
and that, yeah, you've got to be careful because they can lash out and have some scratch.
Right.
Look, I don't know.
Does that help?
Does that help anyone?
You can't walk up to Mars and be like, may I pet you now?
It's kind of what we already knew.
Yeah.
Like there are those cats, you know,
that you can be petting them and they're loving it and then just a flick,
the switch flicks and you're just like,
boy, it's out to get you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Assholes.
Get a dog.
Just throw them out.
Throw them outside.
But your dog shits on the carpet, Megan.
Yeah, but they're real happy to see you.
You'll never guess what I've done.
I've just shit on the carpet again.
From the underground ZM Think Tank, this is the top six.
Hello there.
The Commerce Commission
is looking into
supermarkets.
The investigation
is going to be out
today apparently
and I've had a little
sneak peek.
A little sneak peek.
Okay.
A little sneak peek
at the investigation
into the report.
Number six
on today's top six finds from the Commerce Commission investigation of the supermarket.
No one buys those mussels in the glass cabinet with the saltwater spray.
I've never seen anyone buy mussels.
Me either.
I love mussels.
Like, I love going to a place and there's a pot of steamed mussels.
Yeah.
Or maybe you could buy some from the supermarket and make it yourself.
It's not the same.
Yeah.
You kind of open them up and you're like.
And they have the stringy bits.
And they're attached.
Oh, is that the issue for you?
The little beard.
I just don't know how long they've been there.
And the salt water that's going over them seems a bit yuck.
And they're all a bit gross.
And there always seems to be way too many.
Yeah.
Everybody going to the supermarket could grab a bag and it feels like there'd
still be some left. Yeah.
Number five on the list of the top
six finds from the Commerce Commission investigation
to supermarkets. The self-serve machine
always prints a receipt even after you choose
that no receipt option.
Do you want a receipt? No. It's like, wait a minute,
I've got something for you.
I told you
no! Yeah. I told you no.
Yeah.
They're cheeky.
Number four on the list of the top six finds from the Commerce Commission investigation into supermarkets.
No one has any idea how many grams of potato salad
are going into those pottles.
Thus the abandonment.
Yeah.
Like they should say on them large, large pottle.
Yeah. Approximately 500 grams of potato salad.
So you can look at it and be like, it's $8 for 100 grams.
That's $40 for a pot.
That's not good economics.
I think that's the reason people are leaving pottles of potato salad in the chip aisle.
It's because it costs $400.
Yeah.
You should just pass it straight back to them and say,
that's far more than I was expecting that to be.
To be honest, your price per 100 grams really threw me off.
Number three on the list of the top six finds
from the Commerce Commission investigation into supermarkets.
The pick and mix is poorly named,
as you're not supposed to mix the stuff you pick.
It's different bags for different things.
Yeah.
Unless it's lollies, because they're all the same price.
And the same code.
You can mix those.
Yeah, mix the same code. You can mix the same code.
Yeah, pick and mix same code, they should call it.
Yeah.
It's not as catchy.
No.
No.
Number two on the list of the top six finds from the Commerce Commission
and the Vietnamesian supermarkets.
Avocados that have holes squeezed in them
probably shouldn't have been put out there in the first place
because they were soft and rotten.
Yeah.
So that's on you, actually, supermarket.
Don't put up a passive-aggressive sign telling me not to squeeze the fruit too hard.
If my finger goes through it, it was probably rotten to begin with.
And number one on the list of the top six finds
from the Commission investigation into supermarkets,
Kinder surprises are rubbish,
but there's something about the twilight zone of the checkout
that makes you forget that while you're looking at them
and just being like,
well, there's a toy inside that I'll never play with.
And you are a grown adult.
There's a toy inside that I could literally buy a better toy
for the same price and probably a chocolate bar as well.
That is today's top six.
Play ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan.
There are five vehicles that make up over
25% of all vehicles stolen
across Auckland. Five. Right.
Vehicles. Is this, because we
always read out the list of the most stolen cars
in New Zealand. It better be similar, right?
I'd say so. Yeah. Because
the police, Tamaki Makaurau
police have said there's a reason that these ones
are stolen because they're easier to steal than others
because the top ones are real, the're easier to steal than others because the top
ones, the top two are real nana cars.
Aww.
And are they just easy to like
as in like break the ignition
and hotwire them.
And they don't have factory fitted immobilizers.
Oh right, okay.
Yeah, so
the top five vehicles
most commonly stolen
the most popular is the Mazda Demio 825.
The little Demio.
Yeah, that's the Demio.
That's the tooth.
That's what my mum's got, isn't it?
That's, yeah.
Oh, no.
The Nissan Tita is next.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm trying to hate them.
Oh, my friend had his Nissan Tita broken into.
Did he?
He was staying at mine.
He's a statistic.
He's a statistic. Yeah. I always see those getting broken into when he was staying at mine. He's a statistic. He's a statistic.
Yeah.
I always see those
getting broken into in the city.
Well, not actually.
What, do you see them broken into?
You're like,
ah, it's just a Tita.
Have your way, criminal.
I mean the after,
yeah, the glass
and you're just like,
oh, it's another Tita.
A Mazda Atenza.
Used to have one of those.
Never got broken into.
Is that like a Mazda 3 or something?
Mazda 3, yeah.
Yeah, right, okay.
And then running out of the top five. Start putting on some immobilizers? I think like a Mazda 3 or something? Mazda 3, yeah. Yeah, right, okay. And then rounding out the top five.
Are Mazda going to start putting on some immobilizers?
I think the new Mazda is...
Right.
Does have them, but...
Rounding out the top five,
Subaru Legacy 304 and the Subaru Impreza.
Subaru...
I voiced an ad for Subaru once,
and when I was there,
they told me that if you...
When did you voice an ad?
Years ago.
Did they specifically ask you?
Yep.
How did the ad go?
Was it like, do you need a Suzuki?
No, no, no, no, it wasn't.
No, actually, it might not have been an ad.
It might have been like a thing that was playing at their national conference
or something.
Oh, wee.
And it was like –
Wee?
No, it was like, okay. It was like, coming? No, it was like, okay.
It was like, coming next year, blah, blah, blah, or something.
Oh, all right.
So it's like the Subaru conference.
If you're excited about the Subaru.
Don't put on a voice like that.
No, that's the voice I put on.
Oh, okay.
I couldn't go home and be like, well, if you guys are excited about the Subaru Impreza,
wait till next year.
It's fine.
Okay.
So, okay, put on your conference voice and tell us what you said. If you thought this year's Subaru Impreza was a good one, wait for next year. Okay, put on your conference voice and tell us what you said.
If you thought this year's Subaru Impreza was a good one, wait for next year.
The XV's going to something like that.
Yeah, I'm tingling in places.
It's because you had a blue Subaru Impreza.
It's because my friend worked at the agency.
Oh, right.
They got you a gig.
Were you invited back the year after?
Never invited back.
Right, but what did they tell you?
The guy said
He worked there
Yeah
So I'm imagining
He had some inside stats
Yeah
He said
If you see a Subaru
A Subaru being driven between midnight
Yeah
And 5am
Yeah
There's a 20% chance it's a stolen one
Wow
Wild eh Wow Wild Well it's a stolen one. Wow. Wild, eh?
Wow.
Wild.
Well, it's two out of the top five.
Imagine you driving that to work every morning.
You get pulled over most mornings.
Hey, buddy.
And they'll be like, I know I look like a badass criminal.
With your beanie in bed.
I know I look like the sort of bad joker that you don't want your daughter bringing home.
Because I'm a bad boy that girls can't say no to.
But I didn't steal this.
What kind of car did producer Jared have?
Because he got broken into recently.
Yeah, what was the...
What was your car?
He's the little vits guy.
Yeah, Valentine the vits.
Oh.
And did you have to pay for your window?
What happened there?
Did insurance pay out for that?
No, insurance ghosted me, so I went to...
What did they ghosted you?
I don't think they can do that.
Well, they just didn't get back to me,
but then they sent me an email asking how i would rate their um service did you say
was there an option for really shit no i just ghosted them back oh my god that's what they do
they ghost you so people like you roll over yeah you can't be bothered bring them back
okay do you have free windscreen or whatever?
No.
Oh, so that's probably why they're ghosting you.
Yeah, probably.
I doubt it was covered.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Well, you have third party fire and theft.
Yeah.
But it'd be nice if they just said no.
It would be nice to have like a rejection letter.
Okay.
Yeah, I had to go to a pick apart place, find a window that fitted my car and then I found a
dodgy mechanic to install it for cheap.
I love going to pick apart. Have you got
yourself a steering lock?
No, no. They didn't deem the vits
worthy enough to steal, so I don't think it's
smash. You left your wallet
in the car. I don't think a steering lock is going to
stop people stealing your wallet. I'd nice to put your
wallet underneath the lock.
Yeah. On the horn. You know, so then you'd hear them if they tried to pull out your wallet. At least put your wallet underneath the lock. Yeah. On the horn.
You know, so then you'd hear them
if they tried to pull out your wallet,
they'd beat the horn and you've got them.
Yeah.
Well, there we go.
Well, if you've got one of those cars.
Be vigilant.
Be vigilant, yeah.
And if you need anything voiced
for an upcoming conference.
You know the guy,
I don't come cheap, by the way.
I don't want anyone to think that was a cheat.
ZDM's Fletchborn and Megan Well
The Tokyo Olympics
Day
Is a bit of a
Bit
Well yesterday was day five
Yeah so day six today
Day five
Day six
Day five
Oh yeah day day 6 today
So we had a couple of hockey losses yesterday
Great games though
Yeah
Good to see some hockey on the tally
You were excited for the hockey
You were a bit bummed out about that, weren't you?
A bit bummed out about that
But it was also delayed
They played it delayed
Because they were showing some rowing
Oh right, okay
There's not a lot of like skipping between
I've noticed in this Olympics coverage,
there's not like, okay, while they get back in their boats,
let's go and see what's happening here.
Yeah.
And there's no, like, boom, boom, boom, bouncing between.
But we did win a medal yesterday.
We did in the rowing, yeah.
We had Brooke Donoghue and Hannah Osborne win our first silver.
Coming up to the line, Donoghue and Osborne.
It's Romania with a goal.
Their first in this event since 1984.
New Zealand, the world champions are Olympic silver medalists.
It's New Zealand.
It's Donoghue and Osborne.
Yes, what a moment.
Thank you to Sky Sports.
Yep, they give us the audio.
The All Blacks Sevens last night lost to Fiji.
Fiji got gold.
That was super emotional.
Those dudes play with everything on the line, those Fijian guys.
Yeah.
I'll only say it because they're not here to punch me in the face,
but I didn't feel like the All Blacks Sevens were ever in the game.
The Fijians were all over them.
If you watch the game, you know what I'm talking about.
The Ollie Whites have advanced to the quarterfinals.
Yeah, they drew with Romania.
So that means that we're into the quarterfinals.
That's amazing.
Did we lose to Romania in the rowing?
Yes, they won the gold.
We're having a real bit of a tussle with Romania, aren't we?
Take that, Romania.
What, we drew with them and then they beat us.
I think they're winning.
And the New Zealand versus Romania.
Yeah, but they're not in the quarterfinals.
They're out of the football.
Oh, they're out.
So take that, Romania.
Okay.
We've advanced in the men's eights and the women's pair to the final.
That's rowing.
I couldn't help but think when we won the bronze medal yesterday, Megan,
and rowing today, and we're very strong at rowing.
If you'd tried harder at Marty Cup.
I didn't go to Marty.
I went to Nationals.
Thank you very much.
You were not good enough for Marty.
I didn't row.
Like, I didn't have a high school team.
You have to be.
Marty's like high school.
Oh.
I went to Nationals.
You were too busy trying to get.
Every age Nationals.
You were too busy trying to get a leg over.
That was after I'd finished.
Rather than getting an arm in a something or the other. You don't do hanky-panky before your races.
The Norwegians caught a crab, didn't they, yesterday?
Yes.
Like when you went to Nationals and caught crabs.
You know what catching a crab means.
Catching a crab.
Have you seen the footage of them catching a crab?
People all get stuck, which surprisingly is not that hard to do.
It was.
They just went like, and the boat was just over.
Oh, wow.
I was like, yikes.
Our men's doubles, Marcus and Michael.
What?
They're in the semifinals.
This sounds like a comical team.
They're going to be playing for a medal.
It's almost like guaranteed.
Yes.
As I said, the Black Sticks lost both the men and the women's.
2-1 for the women's Black Sticks to Spain and the men lost
2-4, 4-2 to Australia.
Lewis Clarebird,
swim in New Zealand record, qualified third fastest
in the 200 medley.
He's back in the pool.
He's a bit of a local bloody hero, isn't he?
So only,
do we have any medals,
just that one medal on the line today?
Or do we have more?
They're rowing.
They're rowing.
Just like very medal hungry, you know?
Well, we didn't go there to F spiders.
We went for medals.
We're not there just to at least we tried our best to compete, Megan.
Yeah, but that's a bunch of hippie bullshit.
That's generally in our elite sports.
Encourage children to get into different sports.
I didn't know that golf was at the
Olympics. There you go, you're learning.
It's mini park.
I don't think Ryan Fox is there doing mini park.
He is, he's got to get it through the windmill today for a chance
to advance to the semis.
And then the gold medal, the shark
eats it up and you don't get your ball back.
It's the 18th hole.
He's punting into the shark's mouth.
It's good he's got gold
But he won't get his ball back
ZM's Flesh Warner Megan
Play ZM
I was going to text in the studio
And this has really sparked some joy
For me
Okay
I think people of my generation
Okay
Someone said
Morning guys
Now I know you're not supposed to
But could you please wish
Our daughter Eden Barker a happy
10th birthday from her mum, dad and her three
sisters. Thank you. And I was like
when I was growing up
Yeah, the birthday calls.
Yeah.
I remember those. I remember one
year on my birthday, my mum rung
from the cow shed. I was like, well, I'm not getting a birthday
call to the radio station this year because mum and dad aren rung from the cow shed. I was like, well, I'm not getting a birthday call to the radio station this year
because mum and dad aren't in from the cow shed.
And then we're listening to the radio and it's bloody 10 to 8,
it's the birthday calls and they read out everybody's birthday.
10 to 8, prime time.
Prime time birthday calls.
Prime time birthday calls.
Oh, that was ears on the bloody dial, mate.
That was ears on the speaker.
And so I listen to it and I hear all the birthday calls.
I'm like, oh, I have the same birthday as all these people.
And then it's like, and one final one, Christine's on the phone
and you hear the shit in the background.
She's like, yeah, it's our son born's birthday.
And they're like, yeah.
And then she sung, my mum sung me happy birthday.
And it was like, I can remember it.
Which is really rare for her because she's quite a shy person.
Hell of a day.
And I remember it
clear as now.
Yeah, right.
Hopefully Eden
Eden's going to remember this.
They do.
Because I remember
getting a birthday shout out
and everyone that got
a birthday shout out
you went in the drawer
to win like a birthday
like a buffet
at Marble's restaurant.
Yeah, that was the thing.
It was always regional radio that did it.
Yes.
Because they could promise you something local
and there was always a local sponsor, wasn't there?
Yeah, yeah.
What was it?
It was great.
And you'd hear your name and you'd be like,
classic, classic, hit ZHFM, Waikato.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody knows it's my birthday now.
Yeah.
Aw.
What was it?
It might have been a Valentine's.
Yeah, right.
Might have been a free Valentine's, but like you got it free, but everyone that went have been a Valentine's. Yeah, right.
It might have been a free Valentine's
but you got it free
but everyone that
went with you
had to pay.
So it was a real...
Oh yeah,
they roped you in.
God yeah,
that was an absolute...
Did you ever win
the voucher?
It was a Ponzi scheme
I'd say.
It was almost
a Ponzi scheme.
I never won the voucher
though on my birthday.
Did you ever win the...
No, I never won the voucher.
I actually,
to be honest,
wondered if the voucher
even existed.
I think a lot of the time.
I think it was just an absolute scam from the local radio station to have people.
Just to work in another advertising dollar without actually having to follow through on anything.
Classic radio.
Absolutely.
I just don't think they'd work these days.
No, they would.
With network radio.
Not for kids, But for like adults.
You know, like millennials.
Gen Zs would never have, would Gen Z ever have experienced the birthday fall?
Let's go to our Gen Zs.
Carwain on the social media desk, did you ever get a birthday shout out?
Yes, I did.
So how old were you when the birthday wheel happened?
Definitely primary school. So young. And what old were you when the birthday wheel happened?
Definitely primary school, so young.
And what did they say for your birthday message?
I think they just said,
your family wants you to have a great day.
Here's a voucher for a birthday meal. No, you got the voucher!
You won the voucher!
You won the voucher!
What did you win?
I think it was like a Happy Meal.
Damn, when you're nine though, that's some hot currency.
Did you go for the toy or the book?
The toy.
Yeah.
Did they have birthday shout-outs in South Africa, Jared?
Happy birthday to our little fellow.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Made it through another year without getting eaten by a wild animal.
Have a lecker birthday, my boy.
Have a lecker birthday, brah.
No, not in South Africa, but I got a Classic Hits one a few years ago.
Oh, did you?
A few years ago.
A long time ago.
I was year six.
What about you, Henny?
Nah.
Yeah.
Nah.
Yeah.
I've never had a...
Well, I just...
CBS.
No, but I don't think the big radio set in the big cities did it.
Yeah, Big Auckland Life.
Nah.
Nah, they wouldn't have done it.
Jared's only ever lived in Auckland once he got here, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Suck it, Eddie!
No, no, no.
Yeah.
All right, well, I mean, maybe that's...
Should I really go?
There's time to resurrect.
But not for kids.
Hey, we are talking about the station that brought back Secret Sound, so I don't think
the birthday announcement
is that.
It's only for adults.
It's only for adults.
Kids get enough
on their birthday.
I've got kids,
their birthdays
are way better than mine.
Presents,
and like everything's
all about them.
Did you actually say
happy birthday to Eden?
Yeah.
I read the message out.
Okay.
And then we play the song.
We've completely
unsaid her birthday.
No, mum's just messaged
and said she's buzzing.
Okay, good.
Well, tell her she
hasn't won the buffet.
Oh, there's no voucher here.
There's no voucher.
Okay.
No one's eating and getting excited about a voucher.
You quickly say what you were going to say
because we've been sidetracked by birthdays.
I don't think you even say it.
Save it for later.
We might need something.
Keep it in the bag.
Put that back.
Put that back in your purse.
All right, the latest is coming up.
In your purse.
Okay. CDM's Fletch, Va latest is coming up. In your purse. Okay.
ZDM's Fletch, Ron and Megan.
A young man, 10 years old.
His name's Blaze.
10 years ago, he was born on a plane.
Okay.
As it landed at Hawke's Bay Airport.
Would that have been early?
Because you're not meant to be able to fly when you're pregnant.
How many weeks pregnant?
What's the cutoff?
For 30 weeks, you need a letter.
Oh, okay.
I don't know.
I don't think it's recommended
after like 38 or 39.
10 years ago,
it was just a different world.
It wasn't.
It wasn't really.
It wasn't really.
But the reason he's in the news
is that he said,
I really want to be a pilot
when I grow up.
Now he's 10,
so probably next week
he'll want to be a vet
and then the week after that
he'll want to be an astronaut. Do your kids change what they want to be a pilot when I grow up. Now he's 10 so probably next week he'll want to be a vet and then the week after that he'll want to be an astronaut.
Do your kids change what they want to be?
Indy's pretty
vet. She's said vet.
Still a vet? Everyone wants
to be a vet. Everyone wants to be a vet.
Until they have to look into the eyes of a dog and inject it
with a life ending serum.
La la la la.
A life ending serum.
Yeah. 10 year old me didn't think it would be this tough.
No.
10-year-old me didn't think someone was going to bring a sparrow in and ask me to save it.
You fuck.
Get that out of here.
Get that out of here.
A sparrow.
I bet.
They get it all the time.
I hope they would.
Oh, my God.
My Toyota Corolla's hit a sparrow.
I've pulled this out of the grill.
Save it. It's moving. That's pulled this out of the grill. Save it.
It's moving.
That's just nerves.
That's dead.
Save it, doctor.
I'm a vet.
I'm actually like,
I'm an equestrian vet.
Would they?
No.
Yeah, they would.
They'd roll their eyes.
They'd be like,
leave it with me.
I'll rush it to surgery
and they'd just take it back
and chuck it to one of the cats
in their cage.
It's just recovering from an accident.
You're all right, mate.
Your anesthesia's worn off.
Why don't you have yourself to a delicious, freshly butchered sparrow?
Slightly roasted.
A vet nurse is just texting.
We get lots of sparrows, pigeons, and seagulls.
Does our head in?
Yeah, they're too pussy for that shit.
Pigeons are a dime a dozen.
You didn't go to Massey for years and years.
You didn't have to live in Palmerston North for seven years,
which is punishment in itself.
I feel like they can't.
Good morning to our Palmerston North listeners.
They're all right.
They all want to get out of there.
They're looking for any excuse to leave.
So you didn't go study there for seven years.
Yeah.
To be handed a pigeon, being like, can you save it?
I can not.
And you've
got to take that with you because our bin's full.
Oh my god, one.
No.
But it's pretty.
I'm not having that thing stink up the bin.
Get it out.
I do love
though that he was born at an airport, this 10-year-old,
and he's like, I want to be a pilot.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's cute.
It's pretty cute.
Somebody worked for Hertz in Australia,
and they said people would bring in dead kangaroos in the book
because they felt that if they had a kangaroo in the rental car,
they had to bring it in.
They felt some obligation to it.
No, Hertz is going to charge you for the blood in the book.
Put it on the side of the road and leave it there for the hawks and eagles and that.
It's a circle of life.
Yeah, that is the circle of life.
It hurts.
Ah,
saviour of the kangaroo.
Bum, bum, bum.
We want to ask the question this morning.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I'll just bring it back.
I thought we could talk about,
we could talk to vets
about what animals people
have wasted their time on.
No, no.
I found this fish washed up on the beach.
Is there anything you can do for it?
Granted, you just drove 25 minutes with it.
Oh, the front seat.
No.
I mean, that fish is, I would never need it.
Again, our bin's full.
Take it out.
We want to ask you, and this is for people that weren't born in the usual hospital,
but if you were born,
if your job was where you were born,
what would it be?
Okay.
So you're thinking people were born in different places.
Different places.
As opposed to a hospital.
Yeah.
You were just a hospital?
Yeah, I was a hospital baby.
I'd be a taxi driver.
Really?
No, but I thought one of us should have an interesting story.
So I just thought I'd make one up.
No, you'd be...
I'd work in the logging industry.
What, you were born in a logging truck?
No, the...
In a forest.
No.
In a sawmill.
Yes.
In a pile of sawdust.
Okay, there's got to be...
There's got to be people...
The sawdust soaked up my ambiotic fluid.
Great.
Yeah, good fertilizer.
You what fluid?
My ambiotic fluid.
Isn't that what I was born in?
Isn't it amniotic?
Amnibotic?
Amniotic.
No, amnibotic.
What?
I don't know what kind of soup you would bring.
What was I saying?
Amniotic.
That's the yogurt, isn't it?
No, that's probiotic.
I think they're very similar.
Very similar.
I don't think they are.
Okay, well, there's got to be someone listening
that was born in an unusual place.
If your job was where you were born,
what would it be?
Well, a cute story in the news.
A boy that 10 years ago was born on a plane
that landed at, what's it, Napier?
Yep.
Napier Airport.
He wants to be a pilot.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not...
You know, I don't want to discourage dreams,
but that'll be a crippling student life.
Oh, my God, yeah.
So many hours.
Don't even worry about that.
I mean, a career you could take to the grave.
You know, you could do that right.
Exactly.
Right to the end of your days.
A wonderful career.
But we want to ask the question now.
If your job was where you were born, what would it be?
And obviously, we don't want to hear a doctor or a nurse
because I was born in a hospital.
Well, there aren't a few of those. born, what would it be? And obviously we don't want to hear a doctor or a nurse because I was born in a hospital. We want to hear from the
people that were born somewhere unusual this morning.
Yeah. Someone said
that
my daughter was born on the side of the road on the way to the hospital
so would she be a road worker?
Or a road cone?
She'd be a road cone.
And follow your dreams, you can be a road cone if you want to.
Samantha, your son, what would his job be She'd be a road cone And follow your dreams You can be a road cone If you want to Samantha Your son
What would his job be
From where he was born
I think he might be a plumber
Oh
In the toilet
He did
He arrived in the toilet
I caught him
Didn't catch the placenta
Had to go fish it out
I was joking
Because a placenta
Would that block the toilet?
You'd think so.
Or it'd be one of those ones where the water filled right up to the top
and you're like, oh, it's going to overflow.
And then it goes, and then shoots down the pipe.
But still, you want that, don't you?
Wow, okay.
Well, that's going to be a great story to remind him of.
A hundred percent.
If we were in a bathroom, Brenna, I want to save the toilet.
That could be his yardie glass.
Yay! I want to save the toilet that could be his yardie glass.
If the only thing that toilet it had ever seen was him being born in it,
maybe, but it seems to me.
Even if you're dead old and age X, it's bad.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks.
You're cool, Samantha.
We're talking if you had to have the job of where you were born,
what would you do for a job?
A young man, 10, says, I want to be a pilot, and he was born on a plane.
Yeah, as it was coming into land.
Yeah.
Crazy.
Grace just messaged in, I guess I would be a marine biologist or a pool cleaner.
I was born underwater in a pool in a bedroom.
Was it a home birth?
One of those home water births.
Oh, okay.
But in a bedroom, you don't put the pool on a carpeted area.
Unless it was a hardwood floor, but then you don't want the water on your hardwood floor. I guess it's just like filling up.
Put down a tarp.
Yeah, put down a tarp.
Fill up the paddling pool.
Yeah.
I think they're a bit deeper than a paddling pool.
Traditionally, it's not one of those.
Yeah, right.
Or you could just rent one of those.
Have you ever been in one of those motels with a big spa bath from the 80s?
They freak me out.
Too much condensation.
Also, never want to touch those because how many people have been in that?
Yeah.
What they've done in there.
Mike, good morning.
Good morning.
How are you?
Okay, good, mate.
If your job was where you were born, what would it be?
I ended up driving tanks.
Are you doing the job where you were born?
So I was born in Northern Canada.
My dad was working as a radar technician
on the Pine Tree Line,
the radar stations that look after
what's the Russian border.
And when dad retired when I was 16,
we moved to a civilian town
and I couldn't handle it.
So I ended up joining the military
and ended up driving tanks.
So you were born on an Air Force base.
Yep.
And then you actually ended up working in the armed forces.
Yep.
Huh.
Wow.
Couldn't handle civilian life.
Because that's all you've known.
Go back to your roots.
Go back to it.
What's it like driving a tank?
You've driven a tank, Vaughan, haven't you?
It was fun.
It was fun, wasn't it?
You broke the track.
The tires came off.
Yeah, the tracks.
Oh, I broke the tracks. Oops. Yeah, whoops. Quite hard to get those on, isn't it? You broke the track. The tyres came off. Yeah, the tracks. Oh, I broke the tracks.
Oops.
Yeah, whoops.
Quite hard to get those on, isn't it, Mike?
Yeah, Texas here, guys.
Yeah, we actually just left, to be honest.
I called AA Roadside Rescue, then booked it.
Thanks, you cool, Mike?
Some text messages.
My dad was born in horse stables.
Oh, okay.
Is that where Jesus was born?
That's what he said.
He says he's much like Jesus who was also born in a setting primarily for animals.
Yeah.
In a pile of hay.
Okay.
Somebody else said my daughter would be a race car driver.
She was born in the front seat of a moving car.
Oh, yeah.
The car was going quite quick because my husband was trying to get me to the hospital before she came out,
but she got there first.
Okay.
My nephew was born on the way to hospital in a car and then grew up to sell cars.
Yeah, so it's just in the blood.
It was there from the start, wasn't it?
Yeah, right from the start.
Had a passion for automobiles.
And some responses we got on Instagram.
Somebody said I would be a Waihi gold miner.
They were born in a Waihi gold miner.
They were born in a Waihi gold mine?
Born in the gold mine.
Was mum working right up till the due date,
just chipping away some rock face?
Tapping in.
I would be a vet, somebody else said.
They were born at a veterinary clinic.
I would be a kiwi fruit grower.
So they might have been born on the... On the orchard.
Yeah.
Under the vines
how very romantic
stepping up to the podium
for the 10th year of Norell
your gold medalist
where's my medal
yes
we celebrate your small victories
your small accomplishments
maybe something you've been putting off
for a long time
you've decided to grab the bull by the horns and get it done,
and it took you five minutes, and you, like, should have done that weeks ago.
But people weren't celebrating enough.
No.
People weren't happy enough for you.
So we celebrate now.
Yeah, three listeners that have some quite big achievements.
Yes.
They feel need to be rewarded.
Yes.
We have a gold, silver, and a bronze up for grabs.
Not the Olympic standard gold, silver, bronze.
Right.
Hey, our gold's 100% gold though.
Gold of the mind.
Okay.
Carly, good morning.
Good morning.
Why do you deserve a medal?
I finally took my half-painted kitchen cabinets out of my car after a week.
Why were they in there?
Oh, I took them to my friend's house.
We were going to paint them, but we only got halfway,
and then she needed her garage back.
She has, like, two half-jobs in this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, so you've taken them out of the car.
Have you put them back in the kitchen?
No, they're in my spare room.
They still need to be painted.
So what are you doing for kitchen cabinets in the meantime?
The kitchen is just cabinetless.
But wait, there are still doors.
You're painting the doors, but the cabinets...
Yeah, I'm painting the doors, yeah.
Right, so the cabinets themselves are still there.
Yes, sorry, yeah.
With the plates and pots and all that.
Ah, gotcha.
Everything's just on show.
Very easy to access.
Why did you take it to your friend's house?
Did they own some sort of paint apparati?
My garage was too messy to paint it there.
Carly, has anyone ever called you a hot mess?
Probably, yeah.
Just out of interest.
Just out of interest.
Okay, Carly, wait there.
Our medal ceremony is coming up.
Nicole, why do you deserve a medal?
I put a bra on before I left the house.
Yeah, well, I mean, you don't have to.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't have to, but, you know,
I've been avoiding it by wearing baggy clothing because winter.
But this particular day, I thought, you know what?
I will wear a bra.
Good on you.
Give them a break.
You said before you left the house,
that sometimes you put it on after you leave the house.
No.
Jesus.
Well, you know, you might be in the car and you're like,
I need to go to the supermarket.
Oh, yeah, I'll have it on me in case I need it.
But I'll put it on only
if I need it. Just back up bra, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you put a bra on.
Okay, alright Nicole,
wait there. It's going to be hard to judge our ceremony
today. Megan,
good morning. Why do you deserve a medal?
Morning. I deserve
a medal because on Tuesday I
drank my entire cup of tea to the bottom
before it got cold. Holy
my, I didn't even know that was possible.
As a non-tea drinker, I just sit around
watching everybody else half drink
teas and it drives me absolutely
potty. That's a good
day. When you get it
right at the temperature and it's hot and you
drink it to the bottom, that's like winning
at life. And I have a baby
the same age as Bastion and she let me drink
the whole thing, so it was no small
feat. That's a good day.
I'm really proud of you. Is it too early to see us up
matchmaking these babies?
Same age.
We don't know their preferences
at this early stage, but I don't see a problem
with setting these two up. Some sort of baby bachelor.
What's the name?
Ruby. Ruby and Bastion.
Yeah, they sound good together. They sound highfalutin, don't they? some sort of baby bachelor. What's the name? Ruby. Oh, Ruby. Ruby and Bastion.
Yeah, they sound good together. They sound highfalutin', don't they?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, all right.
Well, it's time for our middle ceremony.
They sound like a Love Island couple.
I don't know if I should be offended.
Yeah, you should be.
Okay, ooh, it's time to start thinking.
What?
This is mine.
Okay, judges.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.
The adjudicators.
I agree.
Olympic adjudicators across the board.
Speaking of adjudicators, I was watching the diving last night.
Yeah.
They're some well-built gentlemen.
Let's put it that way.
Yeah.
He did text the group chat.
Some good nipples.
Okay.
Do you think it's a coincidence that all the divers have good nipples?
Or do you think if you had nipples...
Everyone's got different nipples.
I'm not saying there's a wrong and a right to nipples.
But these were all textbook nipples.
I hope people haven't decided not to do diving because they were...
Because of their nipples.
Is that why you're not doing diving?
Because of your big Aries.
No, I'm just looking at you.
Oh, my little nipples.
Oh, my God.
Are you embarrassed of your nips?
Imagine me standing on the 10-meter platform.
Imagine us as a synchronized.
And me and you, very different nipples.
And I don't want anyone to think I've got Nick Jonah's dinner plates going on.
But compared to French, I've got larger, pinker nipples.
Yours are teeny under your armpits.
A really tiny armpit.
Yours are larger.
I've got pink Irish nips.
Always erect.
You know, some of you, you've got a dark nip.
Mine's a pink Irish nip.
I'm not too much about both your nipples.
It's a pink Irish nip.
Yeah.
How did we get here?
Can you imagine if we became a meme?
People wouldn't be able to concentrate on our synchronised diving
because they'd be like,
I've never seen such a mismatched pair of nipples.
This shouldn't work together as well as it does.
Look at these guys.
But then we would absolutely nail the routine.
And then the world would be won over with big and small nips.
Yeah.
Just like that.
Nipple gang.
Yeah, great.
Anyway, bronze medal today.
For her services to her own bosom and nips
of course. Nicole,
congratulations for putting on a bra before
leaving the house.
Thank you very much. What you don't have to do.
No, exactly. Well done,
Nicole. Today's silver medal goes
to a woman solving the age-old problem of
what cupboard does the pot go in
because she doesn't have doors on her cupboard so you can see where the pots are.
I think it's a genius idea.
Congratulations for taking those kitchen cabinet doors out of your car
after your friend half-painted them and left them in her garage
until she's like, I need the space,
and then you put them in your car for a couple of weeks
and now they're sitting in your spare room still half-painted.
Amazing. Thank you guys so much.
Carly with the silver, which means...
Somebody in Bangladesh picked the finest tips of the tea leaf
and put them in a basket
and then it went through the whole processing situation.
Unless it was chanui tea, because that's grown here in New Zealand.
It went through the whole process.
It got purchased from the supermarket.
It got put into a pot of boiling water.
And some people have the audacity not to finish that cup of tea.
Well, she did.
Yeah.
Despite the fact that she has a baby and it's very hard to get anything done,
let alone finish a cup of tea, which people can't do when they don't have a baby.
Congratulations.
Today's gold medal for her services to drinking the entire cup of Dilma.
Megan, congratulations.
Thank you.
I'll celebrate with half a cup of my cold tea.
There we go.
That's something you'll strip with your medal.
Give Ruby a smoochie for us.
All right.
I'm not happy for someone to smooch the baby on my behalf.
No.
You smooch your baby on your own behalf.
Right.
Give your baby a pat.
Yeah, okay.
Play ZM's Flesh, Fawn and Megan.
No, I feel like driver's license.
I'm talking about something else.
ZM.
I've got to stand by these things.
Make it quick.
Quick, just a quick.
I refer to chanui, the tea being grown in New Zealand.
I have been corrected.
I've done some further investigative research.
It's not.
It's not.
Okay.
No, it's a New Zealand blend
which is apparently
a blend of tea
suited to New Zealand tastes
but not grown in New Zealand.
Zilong
is the only company
to successfully grow
and protest tea commercially
in New Zealand.
That's just north of Hamilton.
I've been there for a high tea.
Can speak.
Leamington's?
It's lovely.
Yeah, because I'm not
a tea drinker. Yeah. But the food was really good. But youtons? It's lovely. Yeah, because I'm not a tea drinker.
Yeah.
But the food was really good.
But you don't ask for a coffee.
Oh, yeah.
That's totally right.
Get one from Wild Bean or the cafe on the way past.
Just don't ask them for a coffee.
So I had a tea.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Thanks for correcting yourself.
I will correct myself.
Not growing here.
Something's not cool anymore.
And actually, I've noticed this too.
Chewing gum.
Not cool to chew gum anymore.
Apparently, the pandemic has been bad for big gum because sales-
Big gum.
Big gum.
That's your tutti fruit.
Brickley.
Juicy fruit.
Gum sales fell worldwide by 14% in 2020.
Or A, you're not going out,
but B, you've got a mask on,
so you can't blow bubbles.
Both of those are listed as reasons, yeah.
And moving your mouth that much
while you've got a mask on.
With a mask on,
it would like pull it up and down the nose.
I would have thought that if you're wearing a mask
for a long period of time
or you're going out in public with a mask
like on a bus or whatever here,
you smell your breath more.
So wouldn't you be more inclined to get...
I think you'd get a mint.
I think mints.
I wonder what mint sales have done.
You carry on.
I'm going to go with breath mint.
It's the chewing thing that would be the issue with the mask.
Yeah.
It's just annoying.
And they all make those mints as well, don't they?
Yeah.
And that was a trend worldwide.
It dropped 14%.
But before COVID came along, sales of gum had been going down anyway.
So it's on the decline.
Gum used to be synonymous with like anti-establishment,
you know, like chewing gum and be like, and stick it under your desk.
But it's not cool to not care anymore.
And with millennials and Gen Zers who are very
aware of the environment
and being sustainable, that
is apparently having an effect on
gum sales.
Mint sales also
down. Mint sales?
Mint as well as gum. Another
loser out of the pandemic.
Hershey's have
released their fourth quarter earnings.
So this isn't like a brand new.
But yeah, they went down.
They went down again, even mints.
People aren't throwing mints in their carts
for last minute shopping trips anymore.
And mask wearing has made these products feel less necessary.
Whereas I would think like women say,
the one thing you can smell when you've got a mask on
is your own breath.
But because you're wearing a mask,
you're not putting your breath onto other people.
So you're like, well, what's the point?
Oh, they can't smell it anyway.
Yeah.
But also you mentioned purchases like mints and gum at the checkout.
Apparently the purchases at the checkout aren't massive anymore either
because people are distracted by their phones.
So they're not like looking around being like, oh, I have some gum.
Because you're killing time while the person is...
You're waiting in line, yeah, with your phone. You're not like, oh, I might have that. Well, some gum. Oh. Because you're killing time while the person is... You're waiting in line, yeah, with your phone.
You're not like, oh, I might have that.
Well, some gum.
God, they should get cell phone jammers, like signal jammers.
Don't put that out there.
So that you can't go on your phone.
So I'm further down the way to combat flailing mint and gum sales.
Apparently Hershey's started a campaign,
Mint Before You Mask,
and then tried to claim that wearing a mask
makes your breath worse.
Really?
And then there has been from a dentistry,
although not our favourite dentist,
from earlier in the show, what was her name?
Anna someone.
Dentist.
We wrote her a jingle.
You've already forgotten the jingle.
And now I've completely forgotten about her.
Yeah.
So dentists have said
Mask mouth is a stinky side effect
Of wearing a mask for hours at a time
It can reduce the risk
Of transmitting infectious diseases
But wearing them for a long period of time
Can give you bad breath
Because apparently it just circulates more
Oh right
Right
But again they're probably paid by
Big mint
And big chewing gum
Huge mint money
Yeah we don't know
To say that
There's this dentist
That's saying that
Anna Peterson Dental
Anna Peterson Dental It's a dentist. That's so much. Anna Peterson Dental.
Anna Peterson Dental.
It's a throwback to earlier in the show.
Listen to the podcast if you missed that.
I'm definitely worth it.
CDM's Fletchmore and Megan.
Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's Fact of the Day is about countries that have never won an Olympic medal.
I was absolutely mind-blowing yesterday when we were talking about this in the kitchenette here at work.
The Philippines won their first ever gold medal.
First gold medal.
First ever.
And how many people are in the Philippines?
Millions.
Millions.
And never.
Millions.
In anything.
Because you're going on about how many medals have we won?
How many medals?
It's about the participation.
It's not.
No one is going.
That is a dumb attitude.
That's fine if your kids win the cross country.
Yeah, or the wetbacks. But this is the Olympics. No one is going, that is a dumb attitude. That's fine if your kids win the cross country. Yeah, or the Weet-Bix Kiwi kids.
But this is the Olympics.
No one's going for fun.
Well, you have some fun while you're there,
but everybody wants to win a medal.
That's what got them there, the drive.
The best of the best for the betterment of your own sport, you know?
The drive, and if they do their best and they do us proud, that's cool.
So no Olympic athlete is going without the hopes of a medal.
The Philippines, with its like 7,500 islands,
has 108 million people
population currently.
And to this day,
to think that they've never,
like there are New Zealand athletes
that have more gold medals
than entire nations.
Even if they've just got one,
they've got more than entire nations.
They're not dedicated
a lot of funding
towards sport
and that kind
of thing.
It's quite a popular
thing is they might
have big populations
but if they don't
have like a strong
economy people
actually have to
like work and they
don't have time to
engage in professional
sports.
It can be beaten
as Bangladesh
have no Olympic
medals and they are
the eighth most
populous country in
the world.
They have 163 million people and they are the eighth most populous country in the world. They have 163 million people
and they have never won a medal, an Olympic medal.
Monaco is the country that's been to the most Summer Olympics
and has never won a medal.
They've been to 20 Summer Olympics.
See, they're going pretty much knowing
they're not going to win a medal, right?
They're pretty much knowing.
They must have come close.
But they still go.
San Marino has been to 14 Summer Olympics.
Where's San Marino?
Where's San Marino?
I think jokes aren't asked because San Marino looks pretty lovely.
Yeah, right.
It's in Italy.
It's run by Italy in Southern Europe on the border between.
Yeah, right.
Okay.
Yeah.
It looks beautiful.
And so there were some countries that existed for a period of time that don't exist anymore
that also never won a medal and I guess never will.
Right.
Korea as one whole country.
They went to one games as one country and then didn't win any medals.
Also, the Republic of China.
So this was before China was China as we know it now.
They went to a couple of three games and never won a medal.
North and South Yemen also never won a medal in their time.
But Bangladesh, yeah, has the most population for least amount of medals
as they have no medals, but they're the eighth most populated country.
North Korea's doing well.
Kim's telling everybody they're top of the table.
Already?
Yeah.
Are they even there?
I don't know.
No, I don't think so.
I don't think they're allowed to leave.
I'm scared.
I don't want to say anything.
It's so close, though.
They can fire an intergalactic nuclear missile over Japan.
They can surely get a boat there.
100%.
It can't be that far.
So today's fact of the day is there are 72 countries without Olympic medals,
and Bangladesh has the biggest population for a country without an Olympic medal.
Fact of the day, day, day, day, day.
I'm a pretty good friend.
Pretty great guy to have.
You've been telling us.
In your pack.
All this morning, you're the bestest friend ever.
I'm the best friend.
First good have.
This is quite an effort, though.
Like, I don't think you've done this for us.
When I first got up, I'd do this.
If it was, I'd do this.
So this morning, when I woke up, I got a message from my friend,
Aubyn, who lives in Guernsey, a little island next to Jersey.
Both are breeds of cows and quite competitive about their cows.
Okay.
And this is in the UK.
Yeah, it's between the UK and France.
God, is it freezing cold
on this island?
Well, not at the moment
because it's summer.
Oh, yeah.
It's heatwave stuff.
I don't know.
I lived at like a channel island
in the English Channel.
Yeah.
Guernsey.
I think they're not so long ago.
And then weirdly enough,
I got a message from some guy
that listens to the podcast
who's part of the Kiwis.
He's like,
I live in Guernsey.
And I was like, do you know my mate Auburn?
He's like, no.
But I will.
How many people live there?
Not many.
Okay.
Wow.
Is it like Stewart Island?
Yeah, a bit more populated.
Okay.
But he said it's the cricket final today.
63,000 people in Guernsey.
Oh, okay.
They are live streaming it.
Please watch
I can do that
I can watch your cricket final
I just loaded it up
That's so cute
On Facebook
I saw you streaming this
It looked like a proper televised sports game
I was so impressed with the graphics package
Somebody's live updating The score, the batsman proper televised sports game. I said to him, I was so impressed with the graphics package.
Somebody's live updating the score, the batsman,
the run rate, how many balls are left.
Full noise, like live cricket
and it's happening live. You hate cricket.
I'm not a huge... I don't mind 2020
cricket. Yep. Twist my
arm for one day, but I can't
test cricket. It's too long and it often
ends in a draw and I don't think anything that takes
that long should never win a.
And the world agrees
with me.
So I loaded it up
and I just left it Facebook living
the whole time. So it said Vaughn
is watching. So he knew
before he was going into bat that his
mate, he's like, I'm one more wicket and I'm going
into bat. And I'm like, we're ready for it. And then
when he was in there, I was screen capping it and sent it to other mates in the group that aren't awake yet. I was screen capping. I's like, I'm one more wicket and I'm going into bat. And I'm like, we're ready for it. And then when he was in there, I was screencapping
it and sent it to other mates in the group that aren't
awake yet. I was screencapping. I was like,
yes, here he comes. Forward
to the crease. Got bowled
absolutely plum. Oh yeah, his team
were rubbish, weren't they?
He got bowled out clean
doing the walk. Look at him walk off.
Yeah, I was running a commentary and then
sending it to the group because I'm supportive. But at the same time, he is a mate. He needs knocking down a peg or off. Yeah, I was running a commentary and then sending it to the group because I'm supportive
but at the same time,
he is a mate.
He needs knocking down
a peg or two.
Yeah, you can't let him
get too big for his boots
with this televised
Facebook sports event
that he's in.
He needs to be told
that he left himself
wide open
and so then he said,
well, I'm more of a bowler
so then we watched him bowl
and his team,
it was over pretty quick.
Yeah, they lost
by nine wickets.
But from the other side of the world, great friend.
Best friend, Vaughn Smith.
Watching some televised sport that my friend was playing in.
Yeah.
Actually so cute.
Watching us.
We were all commenting on the actual live feed.
Been like, for God's sake, get forward in bowling.
He's an absolute all-rounder.
So anyone that goes back to watch the live bit is just going to see all this
really positive commentary coming his way.
These positive comments.
Yeah, wow. He's talking himself
down saying he's a bowler, he's an all-rounder, give him the
bat, get him in there earlier in the batting order, etc.
etc. So, I mean, it was
an easy thing to do, but not everybody
would have. So I want to know from people
this morning, why are you somebody's best friend?
What did you do for them?
Spoiler, it doesn't have to be that hard.
I don't want anyone to be like, well, my friend needed a kidney.
I mean, in fact, actually, no.
If you gave your best friend a kidney, then you do call because we'll
absolutely slather praise on you.
That's phenomenally selfless.
Tell us about the time you were the bestest friend ever.
Disclaimer, you were at work at 5 a.m., but if you weren you weren't working at 5am, would you have got up to watch it?
If I didn't have to wake up at 5am, would I wake up at 5am?
To support your friends.
That's the dumbest question I've ever been asked.
To support your friends.
No.
Specialists are saving it to Facebook.
You can watch it later on.
Carween at the social media desk, can you give us an example?
When were you the bestest friend ever?
So in university, my friend slash flatmate was having a little bit of trouble
with her menstrual cup.
No, you did not.
And so I just helped her get that one out.
Wow.
Out, did you out. Wow.
Out, did you say?
Wow.
Barbecue tongs?
Wow.
You'd want a rubber grip.
Not a barbecue tong.
Those are always steel grips. The mini ones.
The mini ones.
For like little spring rolls.
Yes, and samosas.
Except I would never use it for samosas ever again.
I mean, I love my friend, but.
How? Because this is my thought. I mean, I love my friend, but... How...
Because this is my thought. I've never had anything
stuck inside me.
I would wait for days.
Like, I would be like, I'm trying
everything. I'd wait
for days before I asked a friend.
How long would you ask me?
Probably.
As the resident expert, I would probably turn to you
I'd turn to you for your
Years and years of knowledge
I feel like he's the grimmest
So you go to the grimmest
I also feel like you
You go to the grimmest for your grim stuff
Yeah
You don't really hold grudges
You deal with something in the moment
And maybe you get angry
and then five minutes later you just forget it ever happened.
That was great.
Wow, okay, great.
Well, thank you for sharing, Carlin.
Holy hell, that is, now that's a good friend.
That is a good friend.
Okay, so we want your stories now.
0800 DALS at M.
You can text as well, 9696.
When were you the bestest friend ever?
Give us a call.
We want to know when you were the bestest friend ever? Give us a call. We want to know when you
were the bestest friend ever.
Vaughn had to endure a cricket match today.
Yeah, with terrible camera angles, but great graphics
package. To watch
his friend Auburn lose
miserably. You even had to endure a terrible
sports loss. Oh yeah, it was a loss
of life. So what are the things
you've done for your friends
that make you the bestest friend? Someone said, my best friend has a role on the TV show Neighbours. So what are the things you've done for your friends that make you the bestest friend?
Someone said,
my best friend has a role on the TV show Neighbours,
so I actually watch it,
and I think that's actually pretty nice of me.
Not a huge fan of Neighbours, I take it.
No.
Who's their friend on Neighbours?
Harold.
That's pretty cool.
Harold.
Yes.
Brilliant.
Marge.
Madge.
What was that woman?
I don't even watch that ever. Neither. Mrs. Marge. Madge. What was that woman? I don't even watch that either.
Neither.
Mrs. Mangle.
That's an 80s Neighbours reference.
Very, very niche reference.
I gave a positive customer review to my friend's new landscaping business,
even though I think he's pretty useless.
See, that's nice, but at the same time misleading
because someone could get a botched birdbath.
And it's because you
gave them a good review.
I'm someone's best friend because their daughter
needed to do a poo in a park and when there was
no toilet, I carried it around in a doggy bag
for a while afterwards.
That's their child's poo.
They're responsible for carrying that in the doggy bag.
That's a good friend thing to do though.
We want to know, when were you the bestest friend ever?
Yeah.
What did you do?
Yeah.
You went above and beyond.
Someone paid off their friend's debt, but hey, we're trying to keep this low key.
Paid off their friend's debt?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's like really, did they say how much they paid off?
$11,650 worth of different sorts of debts.
That is really a good friend.
No paybacks?
But also, have they learned anything?
Well, you'd imagine if they just ran up more debt,
you would just be like...
Oh, you'd be so disappointed.
You're missing the point here.
I gave you a fresh start.
You'd be so disappointed.
You would.
I'm a good friend because when I was living with my friend,
they were going to cook an egg in the microwave,
and I watched them push the egg in the microwave
and then put in the timer, and just before they pressed start,
I was like, wait a minute.
I love that that one is back-to-back with the 11,000 times.
No, you should have let them carry on microwaving the egg.
There's lessons to be learned here.
If they waited until the end, the door shut,
the doot, doot, doot, doot, doot,
and then they're reaching to press start and they're like,
hmm.
But if your friend's useless enough to think
you can just chuck an egg in a microwave and press go
and it's going to hard boil, it'll soft boil, poach it.
I don't know what they were imagining would happen
other than an explosion.
They're probably also the sort of friend that's not going to be a very good cleaner.
No, and then you've got to be around for that and the life admin,
so you're saving yourself time there.
Melanie, when were you the bestest friend ever?
Well, it wasn't anything as noble as paying off someone's debt,
but I still feel I did a good service.
We were in Vanuatu.
We went snorkeling, and she didn't listen to instructions and got washed onto some coral.
Oh, yeah. And that just cuts right through you, eh, that stuff?
It does. It's dangerous. And so she was sitting on her butt for some time on the coral. And
then when we got back to our cabin, we were young teachers, didn't have a big budget,
so we were on this remote island, fairly basic cabin,
and she was a bit worried that it was hurting
and that it might be getting infected in there.
So I took one for the team and I had a good look.
And then I had to rub ointment in it for the next few days,
right in the inner thigh and butt area.
Could they not reach the inner thigh and butt area?
I'm not flexible at all.
I could reach all those spots.
Well, she couldn't see, and that was her main concern,
that it was not what it was going to look like.
So I had to kind of monitor it daily.
You don't get a bit of like a death-hole-y antiseptic on there
that you can get really bad infections from coral.
You know, I've had a gutsful of coral.
I say we keep polluting the oceans.
Keep warming the earth.
Burn more coal.
Because coral's had its day and now it's out to hurt us.
It's nice in fish tanks, though, isn't it?
Okay.
Strip it all out of the ocean is what I'm hearing you say.
Rip it out of the ocean and put it where it shouldn't be.
Melanie, thanks for your call.
Malisha, when were you the bestest friend ever?
I organised my best friend's hen night.
We went pole dancing and I was nine months pregnant.
But you committed.
You committed to it.
Yeah, I was all right.
Did you actually get on the pole?
Yeah.
Yep.
Wow.
Having talked to any friends that have ever had to organise such a thing,
it's an absolute headache and a nightmare, isn't it?
It was just horrible, yeah.
Especially not being able to drink.
Yeah, as they sober on a pole, you'd probably see
how grubby they are. Oh, one more thing.
I gave birth two days before your wedding and the day
I got out of hospital, I went down your aisle.
What? You're
unstoppable. I got some
good breastfeeding photos with
a photographer though. It was great. Oh yeah, that's nicefeeding photos with a photographer, though.
It was great.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
That's a two for one.
Free pickings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brilliant.
At least I looked pretty there.
Exactly.
Malaysia, thanks for your call.
Okay.
Some other text messages.
My friend had a crush on a guy.
I saw him at a club and his best mate was with him,
who was about a two out of ten.
So I took one for the team and hung out for him for a while
so that my friend and his friend could snog it out on the dance floor. Oh, please tell me she's with a two out of ten. So I took one for the team and hung out for him for a while so that my friend and his friend could snog it out on the dance floor.
Oh, please tell me she's with the two out of ten now.
Man, movies lie to us, eh?
The twos ever stood a chance with the ten.
Yeah.
I had a friend who came down for the Wellington Sevens
who had an ingrown hair on her ass that got infected.
I became her personal nurse for the weekend,
cleaning it out, changing her dressing.
And she said I had to because she'd seen my vagina
during my son's birth.
Oh, yes, so she uses payback.
I've got a payback there.
It's totally a bit of payback.
I lived in the UK.
My friend was in Australia.
I got up at 3.30 a.m. for her virtual baby shower
after having decorated my house,
including making blue cupcakes, 4 a.m. bubbles and cupcakes.
Oh, I wouldn't have bothered.
No, we know that.
I would have said the internet was down.
Oh, my God.
Yes.
Or just get a background.
Get a birthday background.
Decorate your house.
Oh, I thought you said you wouldn't have bothered getting up.
No, any of it.
Oh, any of it.
I mean, if I had to make a minimal effort,
it would have been a fake Zoom background.
My friend couldn't break up with his girlfriend.
Yeah.
So he asked me if I would endeavor to try to romance her.
Yeah.
So that then he could be like, I can't believe you did this to me and break up with her.
Yeah, that's like the plot of some kind of rom-com.
That's really weird, eh?
Yeah, yeah.
Did it work?
Yep.
Oh, okay.
Wow. And I don't think they're with that girl anymore? Yeah, yeah. Did it work? Yep. Oh, okay. Wow.
And I don't think they're with that girl anymore.
Yeah, right, okay.
Nobody's with that girl anymore.
Yeah, right.
It's been hard to break up to.
I got a bowl cut for a friend who needed a hair model.
This is, you know when people go to course and they learn how to cut hair
and they're like, hey guys, I need a hair model.
It's like, I'm sorry, Janice, it's week one.
If anyone's modeling, like volunteer in their head
so you can make a real shambles of it.
You're a bitch.
No one's going to.
Do you want them to have-
What, if you're telling me,
even if your best friend Allie was like,
I'm going to course to learn how to cut hair
and I need you on week one for a dye job and a short.
You're not going to let her down at course.
No.
She's going to let her down.
She's going to say she's busy.
She can't make that day at course.
Hey, I looked at a boil on her bum.
She owes me.
Okay.
That's a good one.
That's good.
I didn't squeeze it.
I just said it was there.
You don't have to squeeze it.
Trick. Trick.
Yeah.
If you need to pop a friend's boil on a spot like that.
Broomstick attack.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a broomstick.
It's not a bootack attack on a broomstick.
You get a bottle.
You get like a glass bottle.
Yeah.
And you heat up.
Smash it.
The bottom part.
Nope.
But the bottom part of the bottle, leave the mouth not hot because the mouth's about to
touch the butt. So then you put the bottle on over the boil,
and as it cools down, it sucks in, like cupping.
It sucks in, but you can't use the hot butt,
and it will just explode it, and it'll be in the bottle.
Is there a video of that on YouTube?
I would imagine there would be.
There's a video of everything on YouTube.
I don't want to watch that.
I don't want to, but I kind of want to.
ZM's Flesh Warner Megan.