ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - Fletch Vaughan & Megan Podcast - March 11th 2020

Episode Date: March 11, 2020

Rove pops in for a chatWhen did you find love without leaving your door?Fletch Sucks!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello and welcome to the Fleeche, Vaughan and Megan podcast, brought to you by McCafe. Grab yourself a delicious barista-made coffee for only $4. Thanks, Ash. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fleeche, Vaughan and Megan. Morning. Morning. Vaughan's been, uh, this is becoming a pre-show ritual. I just listened to some Frozen 2, yeah, and to The Unknown. Such a, like, I hadn't seen the movie

I've seen it now right um my family went and saw it without me yeah I packed a sip about it yeah

not bitter about it at all but then I watched a digital vogue yep in the comfort of my own home um I was a little bit fragile

when I watched it um I loved it I think maybe even more than Frozen 1 really wow or just Frozen as it was known I've it. I loved it. I think maybe even more than Frozen 1. Really? Wow. Or just Frozen as it was known. I've listened to the soundtrack and I haven't

seen the movie and it's like, yeah. Yeah, because I listened to the soundtrack and I was like, I like these but it's no let it go. But now that I've seen the movie, okay. So you need to see it. Girlfriend. Okay. You've changed. I would call

Black Widow is going to have to be amazing for it Girlfriend. Okay. You've changed. I would call Elsa, Black Widow is going to have to be amazing for Black Widow to be a better Disney superhero than Elsa. Really? Wow. If you'll excuse the French at this time of the morning, a shit kicker. Oh, okay.

I need to see it. So good. So good. Because I was always a bit like, Anna is the unspoken hero of this. And she's good. Elsa steps up. Yeah, right.

And that's why that song. Oh. Okay. So good. Is that your motivation song? Yeah, it is at the moment. Yeah, because you came in, you had filming last night for your TV show.

Rove is on the show tonight. And Rove actually pops in this morning to have a chat just after seven. Yeah. Rove is on the show tonight. And Rove actually pops in this morning to have a chat just after seven. Yeah. Rove. The Rove. Remember when you couldn't escape Rove? So watching on the TV,

turning everyone's lights on. When he was endlessly pursuing me in a romantic fashion. Oh my God, when I couldn't escape him. Yeah, he was everywhere I went. No, but he was literally on TV every night of the week, wasn't he?

Yeah. Or no, Fridays. I don't remember. I just,, but he was literally on TV every night of the week, wasn't he? Yeah. Or no, Fridays. I don't remember. You couldn't escape him on TV. Yeah, he was everywhere. So he's on tonight. So he's in just after seven.

And at eight this morning, we have a concert announcement. And if you've been listening to the radio this morning, the ad's already been playing because the schedulers, as per, messed it up. So you might know. You have a wee hint but we're not allowed to say. That's it. We're in a power play struggle with them too. Them and TVNZ, we're just in a constant

power play struggle. You two are in a power play struggle with everyone. Life is a power play, Megan. Yeah, that's true. It's all about power plays. Secret Sound as well, $80,000. All thanks to Save My Bacon. So seven and eight, your next chances this morning. The top six as well coming $80,000. All thanks to Save My Bacon. So seven and eight your next chances this morning. The top six as well coming up soon.

Storytime's next. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. Alright you lot, listen up. It's storytime. Gosh, you got me confused with your crypticness. Three news headlines and you've got to pick one, Bourne and Megan.

Now, pick news headlines for odd, unusual, quirky, oft, hilarious, funny news stories. Headline one, trouble started after neighbour realised the two women weren't sisters. Headline two, we got a bunny down. And headline three, Rocky Road. Oh, Rocky Road. I don't want to hear got a bunny down. And headline three, Rocky Road. Oh, Rocky Road. I don't want to hear about a bunny down.

Nah, because that wouldn't be a big story if it was just a standard bunny. There must be more to it. Someone dressed up as a bunny? No. Mascot? No. Someone dressed up as a bunny. Not always.

You could dress up as a bunny and not be a mascot. No, no, no. She's right because I took it the other way. She said someone dressed up as a bunny and in my head I was immediately like, yeah, like a person dressed up as a bunny for a mascot? But you'd already said no. Playboy bunny. No.

A playboy Bunny's got coronavirus No Do you hear that Dolly Parton That's a good guess Dolly Parton wants to pose For Playboy for her 75th birthday Yeah And Ash did she do it before?

Yeah yeah she's done it before But it was like tasteful right? Why I want her to do this Because there's those rumours That she's covered in tattoos Yeah I listen to her podcast Dolly Parton's America

Which is fascinating. She says she does have a few. Okay. But they're mostly to cover up cosmetic surgery scars. She's like, darling, when you had as much work as me,

you gotta cover up them scars or something. You know how she's always got sleeves? Yeah, always wear sleeves. So from wrist to, really? Yeah,

covered in tats. So I'm like. But why does she never show them? I don't know. She said they're just for her. Oh, okay. Once. But I wanted like... But why does she never show them? I don't know. She said they're just for her once. But I wanted to do it because I want to see them. October 1978, she posts for Playboy. Right.

And she wants to do it. Okay, right. How do we get on to this? Bunnies. Oh, yeah, bunnies. Do we want the bunny one? Do you want the bunny one? Yep.

I feel like Playboy Bunny with coronavirus was such a good gig. Well, you couldn't be further from the actual story. We go now to Fort Collins in America where a mum gave her six-year-old her old cell phone just to play with. So it wasn't activated. So she thought, because the six-year-old called 911 to get help for her stuffed animal. Her little bunny apparently was, I think the stuffing was coming out. Oh. And so the officers actually, one of the officers was nearby

and they thought, well, they'll respond to this call. And they actually went through and they tuned up and they got a band-aid and put it on the bunny. And it's also become a warning for other parents giving used cell phones to kids that they can still call 911 even deactivated.

Did you know this? Yeah, because my kids play with our old cell phones and yeah, it's like emergency because they turn it on and like change the language to like

Spanish or French or something and then they're like what does this say and yeah I know you can still do emergency calls on a SIM card

less cell phone yeah oh that's pretty cute so pretty cute but the office has turned up I'll put a sticker on the bunny

a plaster yeah and everyone's that's pretty cute everyone's... That's pretty cute. Everyone's... It's pretty cute. It is. Alright, 16 past six.

Just when you thought the toilet paper situation couldn't get any worse, Australia has proven that it can. Everyone's buying toilet paper in New Zealand, but I feel like Australia

is just a little bit worse. Oh, they've gone crazy. Because has it come down here? Can you go to the supermarket and find some toilet paper in New Zealand, but I feel like Australia is just a little bit worse. Oh, they've gone crazy. Because has it calmed down here? Can you go to the supermarket and find some toilet paper? Well, I was here yesterday afternoon at 1, 2 o'clock, and it was all stocked. Oh, yeah. So we've calmed down a bit. I think so.

But in Australia, apparently you still can't find toilet paper. So an auctioneer who he usually auctions off multi-million dollar houses, he had a spare 24 rolls in their office. Yeah. So decided to go outside of a Woolworths and auction off the 24 pack of Kleenex. Which sounds silly, but a small crowd gathered and it actually sold for $1,000. Now, before

What the hell? Before you scoff, his intention was to give the money to charity. Right, okay. The $1,000 that was paid was actually by a principal. I don't know whether he needed it for the school or whether he just wanted it for personal.

I don't know. But the principal paid $1,000 and he is going to match the donation. So $2,000 is going to go to Kids Giving Back, which is a charity that teaches children the importance of helping and giving back to the community. Right. Do you think people will be selling it on,

because they didn't use Trade Me, they've got eBay. Is that what they, Gumtree or eBay? Gumtree, yeah. eBay AU. I'm just going to have a quick look here for toilet paper, see how bad it is. Because the auctioneer said he went to a few shops and he couldn't find any toilet paper in Australia. Oh yeah, here we go.

Do you know, I did not know this, but we've got two massive toilet paper making mills in New Zealand. Do we? Apparently. So there's no need to worry about this. Yeah, and the pulp and stuff that we have from our logging industry is enough for it.

Somebody was telling me yesterday, look, I'm blindly believing somebody, but they're very trustworthy. Right. They're not the sort of fibber. Yeah, right. But they may have been fibbed to by a fibber. But here they said to me, don't go crazy. Was it Jacinda Ardern?

I saw her saying, we make toilet paper in New Zealand, so we don't need to panic. Right. Here's a Quilton. You know that brand Quilton? Yeah. A three-ply 20-pack, 180 sheet,

11 x 10 cm, $202.50 Australian. Somebody wants. Are people bidding on that? Yeah, nine bids. Isn't that nuts? I'm so confused. Someone's got one roll here

of mint Quilton Australian toilet paper. Mint? Yeah. Can you get scented mint? No, I think it's just in mint condition. Oh. That'd be a taint tingling.

You'd certainly be tingling, wouldn't you? They just want $5 for that single roll. Somebody's done a toilet paper and handy towel combo $46. So it's a bit better price. But yeah, people are just, they're literally, I'm just keep scrolling, scrolling, scrolling,

toilet paper, toilet paper. Wow. People are obviously cashing in. It's just nuts, isn't it? Fleshforn and Megan, the podcast, ZM. The demographic group, I mean, if you're like five days old,

then that's a huge percentage of your time. But don't tell me she's five mean, if you're like five days old, then that's a huge percentage of your time. But don't tell me she's five years old with those vocals. Five days old with those vocals. Anyway, there's been a report released, and apparently over 65s, well, over 50s, but it gets exponentially worse, over 65s believe they're not being marketed to enough.

We've got lots of money, they said. Why they're not being marketed to enough. We've got lots of money they said. Why aren't we being marketed to? All the marketing, all the ads, all the flashy things are all for the millennials,

the youths. Yeah, but advertisers and marketers know that people over 50 don't spend their money as freely as those under 50. We're frivolous.

They can see the end of paid employment on the horizon and they start to freak out. They're like, what's a KiwiSaver? And they just tighten the old purse strings, don't they? That's why they don't get. It's like when you go home for the weekend

and your parents don't want to go out for breakfast because there's plenty of food in the fridge. Mine might say, going out for breakfast when you've got a farmer for a father is just impossible. Yeah. They got in and I said, oh, well, what about like a brunch? And mum's like, all the way to town. I know.

All the way to town. All the way to town. It's like 20 minutes or something. Your parents live in town. Not in Nelson Town. They don't call it town town. They could go to a cafe closer. Oh, mum dare not go to town traffic.

Especially on a Sunday. That's like, our town will a Sunday. That's not, our town will be busy. Church. Oh yeah. Like even if every single person went to church, they'd be in church. You'll never find a park.

Church isn't in the middle of town. Church isn't. And then she said, oh, my mum said to me, oh, I found out they, one of them doesn't even open on a Sunday.

KFA doesn't open on a Sunday. Oh my gosh. How bananas is are there on a Sunday? Oh, my gosh. How bananas is that? Yeah. Because of, I'm guessing, on average, older population. Yeah. You're open on a Monday. But Friday you'd be busy because Friday, of course, is town day.

So what do these people that were surveyed, what do they want? Do they want flashier ads? They don't know what they want. No one knows what they want. They don't even know what they want because they're not being advertised to. They want representationier ads. They don't know what they want. No one knows what they want. They don't even know what they want. Because they're not being advertised to. They want representation in advertising. Well, apparently less than 2% of briefs, so like when a product puts together who they want to be targeted to

to sell the most, under 2% are for people who are 50 and older. And those 2% are probably pre-packaged funerals. Yeah. Depends. Yeah funerals. Yeah. Depends. Yeah. Adult diapers. Yeah. They're only 50.

Stiffy pills. No, I'm saying over 50. Right. 50 and over. You think about it, that has to include from 50 to death. Yeah. And I suppose like products want to lock people in when they're younger so that they have like 40 years of buying their moisturizer.

Oh, spray and walk away. What's that one? That one for the over 50s? That one where you spray it on your mossy path. Yeah, I'm a wet and forget guy. 30 seconds of wet and forget. One of those. Yeah, those. I'm a shower witch, girl. You're the same company. Which one's shower witch? You spray it and you

leave it and then you just have to turn the shower on again and it's like, oh, it's all clean. Oh, like exit mold. No scrubbing. How long do you have to leave it? I think overnight. Like you have to leave it for a decent amount of time. Yeah, let it do its thing.

Imagine if it came back and it had eaten your shower. And unlike, no, it's not exit mold. Unlike exit mold, it smells like vanilla. Vanilla's a great scent neutralizer. That's what everybody told me to rub in the freezer that it had defrosted meat in it for a month. Vanilla's a great scent neutraliser. That's what everybody told me to rub in the freezer that it had defrosted meat in it for a month. Vanilla essence, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I lit a vanilla candle. Should I have done that? Nah. I've got to go. All right. My house is burning down. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast.

From the ZM Think Tank, this is The Top Six. Hello there. There's a new app on the dating scene. Not in New Zealand yet. It's called Dinky One, and it's a dating app for people with small penises and those who enjoy them. Dinky One. Dinky One, yeah.

I know, I could have gone for a slightly less condescending name, right? Yeah. It's a little condescending. Yeah, yeah. So the idea is that it's taking the pressure out of it because men with smaller appendages have body image issues and this body, it's not something that could be changed through diet or exercise.

Yeah, no. You've got that. That's you. You could get surgery, but that's, I don't know that could be changed through diet or exercise. Yeah, no. You've got that. That's you. You could get surgery, but that's, I don't know. That sounds like it would be expensive. Surely. Surgery is an option? I don't know.

I guess so. They said in a recent survey, many young men when asked, what do you think a woman's ideal partner's size would be, thought 12 inches. Oh, no. That's a bloody foot-long sub. See, that's another issue, is that men are going on about the size of it all the time

because they think women want a foot-long subway. They don't. It's not realistic. Maybe have it with a wrap. It's lower carb. And also that varies from woman to woman. Yes. Which is why this app is great. That's the other one. So

27,000 members since it's launched. 27 identify as female. 71 identify as male. But there's 24 gender identities you can choose from. Right. You can remain anonymous. You're not allowed to have overly sexual images.

Right. So nude images. Yep. But you can put up there how big it is. It said that there are women who prefer a smaller penis for comfort reasons and still rate it as enjoyable sex. However, it said the gay men were split on the topic. Of course they were.

The thread suggested they prefer a bigger size. Size queens. So, yeah, this is a dating app that's out there. Right. But this is not where it should end. Okay. The top six other sorts of dating apps we need. Number six on the list, it lets people know straight away if you do or do not like coriander.

Yes. The dating app is called Coriander It's got no E Coriander Because that's what you do With a dating app You drop vowels Yeah yeah

For some reason Constantly drop the E Before the R Because is that a deal breaker For some people Foodies it might be That would upset me a lot I just constantly

Been working on Trying to Just try it again Just try it with this Try it yeah But it genetically It tastes like soap it might be, eh? That would upset me a lot. I've just constantly been working on trying to, just try it again, just try it with this, try it, yeah. But it genetically, it tastes like soap. It's soap to them

so you can't make them. But there are way worse foods that people can hate that would be a deal breaker, right? But that's like Thai and Mexican. Yeah.

Imagine going out with this. Yeah, but that's why I found my equal. Yeah. Neither of us like anything under the sea. Couple of anti-fishies. Number five on the list of the top six types of dating apps we need.

This one matches people who promise they won't eat their partner's leftovers. You'll eat your own, but if your partner's got something in the fridge for them for a later, you won't eat it. Could that also include like, oh no, I don't need fries. Well, no, this one's specifically called leftovers. Right. But yeah, you could have a. Because, you know, and then you're meeting people that won't eat your fries. They'll order their own fries.

That one could be called order. Just get large fries all the time. Just get large. I'll get large because I want to eat large fries. I get large fries all the time. Just get large. I'll get large because I want to eat large fries. I want to eat all the fries. Number four on the list of the top six types of dating apps we need. Teams up. People who know how to leave a party without anybody noticing.

The old Irish exit. Please tell me you're calling this ghoster. Oh, I had it called lever. Ghoster. Ghoster. Ghoster. Ghoster. Ghoster. I'm the absolute king of ghosting. Yeah, you are.

Ghoster. Slither out the door. I didn't say slither. Oh, we're slithering. You are a bit slithery. You are a bit slithery. I thought that was the perfect word for you. You slither out.

Slither home and then you slither in. Yuck. Yuck. Need yuck. Number three on the list of the top six types of you slither in. Yuck. Yuck. Need the yuck. Number three on the list of the top six types of dating apps we need. This one's called Washer. It teams up potential couples who know how to stack a dishwasher. Oh, yes.

You have to prove you know how to stack a dishwasher by playing an in-app game before you can actually join the app. Yeah. And it's like, which way do the knives and forks go up? Which way do your plates? Where would you put the plate? Does this giant crock pot even go in the dishwasher? No.

You don't put the slow cooker inside in the dishwasher. No. Even I know that. That's madness. Number two on the list of the top six types of dating apps we need matches people who don't know what they want for dinner with people who always know what they want to have for dinner. It's called dinner.

I love it. It's a match made in heaven. Dinner. And number one on the list of the top six types of dating apps we need is for people

who swear they won't watch another episode of the show that you're watching together without you. It's called Watcher. Watcher. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan,

the podcast. I just went to thedailymail.co.uk. Everything, everything on it. Well, actually, no, not everything's coronavirus related.

The Royals. No, pregnant Sophie Turner enjoys a babymoon with Joe Jonas. Oh, okay. And then Corona. And then it's straight back into Corona, baby. All angles of Corona, all thoughts. One of the stories

is that volunteers maybe paid three and a half thousand great British pounds or about 7,000 New Zealand dollars to be injected with the Corona virus to test the vaccine. Okay, so yeah, right.

And then, okay, so then they... But the vaccine still ages away. The latest is another story I was reading. USAToday.com said why a coronavirus vaccine is more than a year away despite progress and best efforts. That's a doubleheader, though. So they're going to inject you with coronavirus and then test a vaccine, right?

Yeah, because it's not the coronavirus being injected with that that would worry me. It's what the vaccine would do. Yeah, so you could get really sick from coronavirus. Yeah. And then you could get side effects of whatever they're trying to cure it with. Yeah. On the other hand, if there's even a 5% chance of superpowers, I'm in.

Yeah, and plus you get $7,000. Yeah. We asked you if you would do this. Like, how willing would you be to be injected with coronavirus and then test a vaccine for $7,000 New Zealand dollars? 54% of people said no way. 46% of people said yes way. Yes.

Give me $7,000. Mind you, if I was, if I, because I've got asthma, like if I was like a lower risk and you know,

like young and healthy, considered myself to be, you know, quite strong, which I don't. Right. Maybe I would. Because that's a lot of shoes,

isn't it? It's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. And also like, you could be helping out humanity if you wanted to, like, feel like a superhero. Yeah, true. Nah, I was thinking more super strength. Oh, right.

Like, I'll help humanity with my super strength? Maybe. Because you'd be the laziest superhero ever. As long as everyone's not being a dick. You've got, like, superpowers, and then they shine up your little torch thing being like, we need your help, Super Vaughn. And then you're like, oh.

I'm in my track pants. How badly do you need my help? Oh, mid-show. I'm just not doing anything today. They better have biscuits. ZM's Fletch Vaughn and Megan, the podcast. All right, coming up on the show, our special guest joined in studio by Rove McManus,

who I believe is on your television show tonight, Vaughan. Yeah, he's on Have You Been Paying Attention tonight. It's on TVNZ2 and it's on at 7.30. And Rove is going to be on it. Great. So he's in studio next to talk about Rove. Just being Rove. Being Rove, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Being here. Yep. So he's in studio next to talk about Rove. Just being Rove? Being Rove, I think.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Being here. Yep. Okay, great. Yep. You've suffered a loss, haven't you? Yeah. So my first official plant death for 2020, guys. Fletch! And do you know what? They were all dead at the

end of 2019. Yeah, so and I what, like three or four weeks ago, purchased all new ones. There was a repotting incident, but we're not counting that one. And do you know what? My first official plant death, not my fault. Oh, but they never are. What's that sound? Sad Hams.

$100,000 secret sound. Which saved my bacon. Well, here he is, Soundkeeper Gary. Good morning. Good morning, guys. $80,000. It must be time for a jackpot. Time for a jackpot on a low-key 7am on a Wednesday. Do you think you've earned it? Do you think you've earned it?

Saying 7am, low-key 7am, does that mean the high key 8am could be an option? 8am. Midkey. Midkey. 8am. Primetime 8am. You know what, Fletch? Just for you.

8am, jackpot is coming. I'll make it happen. Oh my god, that was easy. You're such a walkover. 80,000. No, how do you say 80,000 when you add a thousand? 81,000. No, how do you say 80,000 when you add 1,000? 81,000. Wow.

How do you say 80,000 when you add 1,000? 7 a.m. on a Wednesday, guys. 81,000. You're not allowed to go to any auctions by yourself. 80,000, can I get an advance on 80,000? 80,000, can I get an advance on 80,000? How do I say it when I want to add 1,000? 100,000.

No, Megan. That's not,000? $100,000. No, Megan. That's not how that works. $80,000. He broke up at 8 a.m. saying that. Well, I guess we're going to have to wait until 8 o'clock to see if we get $80,000 and $1,000. Courtney, good morning. Good morning, guys.

How are you? Good, thank you. Apart from being slightly disturbed by our co-workers' inability to add $1,000 to $80,000. Courtney, all right, you've got through. That's the hard bit. Yep, very much so. $80,000 is yours if you can tell us what this sound is.

No pressure at all. I think it's the top of a milk bottle or milk carton, like the little tamper-proof cab being lifted up and then peeled off. Oh, right. Okay, so one of those, do you mean the tinfoil bit on a UHT carton? No, you mean the milk bottle. Oh, yeah, the safety seal. Yeah, the little white tab.

Yes, or on like the almond milk or like the carton, like the little plastic tab that you peel up. Does she have to specify, Gary? You've got to specify. You're starting to broaden a bit here, Courtney. Okay, okay. Do you mean a plastic tab one or a one on, you know, like a little white paper tab?

Okay, well, I'm going to go for the white paper tab one like regular like your normal everyday sort of you know okay so you undo the plastic top underneath that you peel off the okay yeah you know what if that was really close to it because it has the initial pop and then you peel it back. Courtney, have you tested this or is it just a sort of a vibe guess? No, I have tested it. Yeah, no, I definitely have. I mean, I think that's what it sounds and all the clues to the point.

I mean, we've seen a lot of coffee. We need a milk bottle from the next one that hasn't got the thing on. Go and grab one of those, Executive Intern. I think we need to do a live test. Because I always pop a... The coffee lady outside, well, she needs a whole bottle of milk. No, I always pop a fresh one in the morning because I don't want any backwash or anything.

I don't know what people around here... No one drinks straight from the milk bottle here. You don't know. I don't know, actually. People around here are weird. That's very trusting. That's true. There are some feral people that work here.

When I make my tea, I always pop a new one in the morning. Remember that guy who used to test the milk by pouring it into the cap and sipping out of the cap? Oh, yeah, that's filthy. All right, so Vaughan. Don't stuff it up. Courtney, Vaughan has just put it really close to the microphone now. This is actually a trademarked lift and peel. Oh, okay.

Lift and peel. That's the half thing getting folded up. I'm just going to do it in stages because there's no way I'm going to be able to do it all at once, right? So that's the... Let me... Oh, okay. I'm trying to put it back on again. You can't redo it, Lord.

But I just wanted to get that sound because that did have a bit of a... Oh, that sounds so good, doesn't it? That's... Oh. What if you go like this? Okay, wow. Courtney, that is a great guess. That is a great guess.

$80,000. Courtney? guess. That is a great guess. $80,000. Courtney. That is not the secret sound. Oh, Courtney! Oh my God. Oh my God. That made me need to go to the toilet. Hey, Courtney.

Sorry, but no. $80,000 not yours. We've got a jackpot coming up at 8am. Yeah, good news. Good news. Let's do a jackpot at 8, eh? And your next chances throughout the day, if it doesn't go at 8, at 11, 1, 4 and 5.

Joining us next on the show, Rove McManus. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. ZM. ZM, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Well, he's on Have Have you been paying attention tonight? TVNZ 2 at 7.30. Rove McManus. Did you make it through the airport okay with the coronavirus stuff?

Did you get a laser beam on the floor? I didn't get laser. It's still all trust, which I think is adorable. Just to go, now you're fine, aren't you? And you just tick the box saying yes. But I genuinely felt myself step away. I took two steps back from the guy in front of me on the escalator just because he took out a tissue and wiped his nose.

He wasn't coughing or spluttering or sneezing. But, yeah, I thought it was great that there seems to be more precautions here than there are in Australia. You guys just seem to be fist fighting over loo roll. It is madness. I didn't realise that the symptoms for coronavirus, which I thought were more pneumonia-like, seemed to be just your intestines shooting out your arse.

Because it's become ridiculous. It is embarrassing. Did it make you stockpile loo paper? No, but I thought about it because it has a terrible ripple effect, pardon the pun. But if you see people are hoarding like huge amounts of like you've got eight rolls of 24 toilet rolls and then you're sitting there looking at going,

well, I don't need any, but if I do... I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss out, so I better go do the same because how long will this last? But I genuinely needed to buy toilet rolls, and I've never had to have such a conversation with the person I'm buying the toilet rolls from. I was very crafty.

Won't say where I went, but it wasn't a supermarket because heaps of other places sell toilet rolls. They won't think about it. You didn't go to, like, a Banang's. I was very crafty Won't say where I went But it wasn't a supermarket Because heaps of other places Sell toilet rolls What They Think about it You didn't go to like a Bunnings Bunnings I need a brunch

No It's a bit It's a bit coarse Those are the ones That they sell Yeah right If you want to be a tough Aussie It's what you do

Rolls of Samper Yeah that's right But having to Just put a pack of To of toilet rolls across the counter and explain that you do actually need it. Yeah. It's just that's what we've been reduced to. But I can't help but think whoever the person is who, I don't know,

has the most toilet rolls, like what is the mentality behind the person who I'm going to take all of the toilet rolls and has them at their house? Yeah. Like, the idea that if you are the last person with the toilet rolls, is that the idea? That's you win, I think. Right. So everyone else, I'm guessing everyone else by this stage is just defecating in the street like an animal.

Just shitty bums everywhere. But you as some kind of bog roll baron can sit there going, will I win? I can keep it here with all my Betamax tapes. Bog roll baron. You could have a basement or a bunker full

of toilet roll, but I bet you'd still be on the toilet and you'd be finishing your poo and you'd look and there'd be none left on the roll in that little hole. Oh, just the square. They're all down in the bunker. God damn it. Well, we're trying to get the bidets are what they're saying

everybody should get into. I'm a massive fan. No, I don't have one. I love one. I'm a massive fan. I had one in Southeast Asia, a hotel I was staying in had one. And it had a warm seat. Dude, your parents have a warm seat? Hang on, hang on.

Whoa, whoa, look, hang on. Warm seat? Yeah, it had, like, functions. So you could make the seat warm, and then it had this thing, and you could manoeuvre the water jet. Yeah, it's a manoeuvrable hose. Okay, put a pin in that. So your parents have...

Yeah, I grew up with a bidet, but all it ever ended up doing... Like an adopted... If you had a bidet. But all it ever ended up doing was watering the plants. Mum would always soak the plants in it. Hang on. So she would bring the plants into the toilet. Yeah.

Wait, so it's a separate. You grew up with the bougie separate bidet, which I believe is the bidet. What you're talking about was a fountain in the same toilet. Yeah. It's a seat attachment. No, this is a separate bidet that you go from one to the other. Yeah, I was in Japan. The one time I used one was in Japan.

They love a squirt up the clacker. They love it. And I thought, if I'm ever going to do this, this is the place to do it. They know what they're doing. It's weird though, eh? Well, because the button, the one I had, there's a button and obviously it's all in Japanese. So I'm just going with the symbols. And the symbol has like two little lines going up and then spreading out,

which says to me, okay, well, that's a fountain. I'll push that. And was a little bit nervous about, well, what's this going to be like? And nothing happened. And so I thought, oh, maybe it's just not working. But what I didn't realise is the little hose is getting itself in position. So by that stage... Like an auto lock?

Like it senses... Like a military technology. It must just come out from the back of the toilet and there was a little buzzy sound. So I thought, oh, the buzzy sound is it's spraying and it's got no water left. I don't know. I don't know.

And so by that stage, I thought, well, it's not going to work. And so I just had relaxed and gone, well, you know, obviously that was a missed opportunity. And then it hit me. But by that stage, I was so relaxed that my sphincter is, like, completely open for business. And it was bang on target. And it hit me right in the sweet spot to the point where I leapt up off the

toilet, off the bid bidet and stood up. And I'm at an airport lounge. So I'm essentially in a public space. It's still going. It doesn't sense that you're not there anymore. And now it's just a fountain of water coming out of the toilet onto the floor and spilling out under the cubicle door. So now it just looks like I've gone into the toilet

and just pissed all over the floor. It's like a fire hydrant. Was it timed or did you have to push the button again to turn it off? No, it seems to know what it wants to do. It has a set amount of liquid. So you push the button and then it's just like, just enjoy. I got it from here. I'm amazed that it knew

the exact, it's like it has a sensor for the butthole. Yep. Either that or you are the exact dimensions of the model they used to set that up.

You've got a model butthole. I've always said I have a perfect Japanese man's ass. Brilliant. Because there's been rumours. I can say yes. He's got a butt like a Japanese man's.

The exact average Japanese man. Oh, well, this has been great. And you're on Have You Been Paying Attention Tonight. That's great. I will have a clean clacker. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast.

My first plant death for 2020 has happened just this morning before work. You made it to March. Yeah. My plants are my babies. This upsets me so much every time you kill one.

So maybe new listeners to the show might not know this, but I have a terrible track record. Like anybody's chosen to join the show. If anybody what you should say, if anybody's just recently bought a Japanese imported car and lives in one of the areas where this is one of your only two choices.

Apologies. Thank you for listening. Thank you for choosing us over whatever. No other options. But yeah, I'm terrible with houseplants. So at the start of this year, I replenished and went out and got a whole heap of new houseplants.

Repotted them. Beautiful. And there has been a few... There was a little overzealous watering and that's been pulled right back. And I tell you what, on the whole, I'm doing pretty well.

Everybody's looking pretty healthy. I'm really proud. And you know, you walk into my place and it's green and luscious at the moment. But this morning, my first plant for 2020 died and it was a succulent. Okay, so a succulent is like a cactus-y kind of thing. They store moisture in their leaves so they don't need to be watered as much. Yeah.

So how on earth have you killed it? They're the plants that you can't kill these ones. Unless you overwater them and then they rot. So, this morning was one of those mornings where I lay in bed for a little bit longer than normal just scrolling through Facebook and Instagram.

Wednesday A. Wednesday A, yeah. And then I was like, oh well I'll get up. I actually this morning lay in bed, typed out the message, I won't be into work today. The finger lingered over the send button. We would have been like, get in here. I was going to put hashtag self-isolation. Right, okay. And so I was like, well, I'll get up,

and I'll put some undies on, my knickers. And I always, this is what I do when I get up in the morning, I get up, I'll make the bed, and then, because I'm still nude at this stage, and then I'll put some knickers on, some undies, because when I get up in the morning. I get up, I'll make the bed and then, because I'm still nude at this stage, and then I'll put some knickers on, some undies. Yeah. Because I'm right there by the drawer. We call them knickers.

And then right by the knickers drawer is the cord for the blinds. So I'm like at this stage, because now that I've got undies on, I'll bring the blinds up. Okay. Because then people can't look in and see me nude. Not that anyone's awake at 4.45 in the morning anyway. So I go to pull the blinds

up and roll the blinds up and it just comes off the bracket and smashes into the plant. Squishing it. No, it's not dead. Don't give up on it. What'd you do with it? There were bits everywhere.

Because you know how those succulents, they're like bitsy? They were everywhere and they were squashed and they were... What about the main root of the succulent? Yeah, but it doesn't look pretty at all. It'll come back. It'll bounce back. And then you've got a rags to riches story. No, he's already put it in. You know he's already put it in the bin.

It's already in the bin. No, it's still sitting there. I didn't clean up anything. The blinds are just still on the floor. Give it to me. I'm going to take your rescue plant. No, because I can't deal looking at it because it's sitting there. I didn't clean up anything. The blinds are just still on the floor. Give it to me. I'm going to take your rescue plant. No, because I can't deal looking at it because it's not perfectly symmetrical. I'll bring it back to life.

I don't want like four little bits. It's got to look real pretty and full. You sound like you're going to like a factory plant farming situation. Sure, I don't know. To get the prettiest plant. But I want it noted that that wasn't my fault. The first plant death for 2020. It was a homicide.

Actually, it was a plant homicide. Yeah, yeah. I recently resuscitated one of Sade's house plants. Yeah. It got out of control, so she just put it outside and it died. See, she's like me. She doesn't want to look at it because it's not pretty anymore. No, no.

It was pretty. I was like, trim it. She's like, no. And then so it was all but dead. Yep. And one day I saw just a glimmer of life. Oh, lovely. And so I put it with my other plants that get a regular sprinkle.

Okay. Outside on the sprinkler. And it's bouncing right back. Is it allowed inside now? Does it look pretty? It's not pretty enough to come back inside yet. But my dream is that one day she'll be beautiful enough to attend the ball. Yeah.

And you'll bring her back inside. Yeah. Cinderella story. You're the fairy godmother. I am the fairy godmother. Oh, don't give him that ego. He doesn't need that ego boost this morning. Fairy godperson.

Yes. Okay. Thank you. Non-gender specific. All right, Megan, you've got the latest. Camilla Cabello says, Sean Mendes is exhausting. Details next.

Also, if you work for Cresta Blinds, I need a new bracket. Because the thing's broken off. Do what everyone else does and buy one. I shouldn't have to. Those aren't that old. Four years? Five years old?

I'd expect it to last longer. They're going to sale at the moment. What, for a single blind part? Just everything. I'll be making to sale at the moment. What, for a single blind part? Oh, well, just everything. I'll be making a call after the show. Oh, God. If you work at Crested Blinds, don't answer the phone today.

ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. Love has turned up on Helen's doorstep. Helen is from Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. And she was getting her groceries delivered.

Like, you can do a New Zealand CBF for too busy. Unless I get coronavirus, I don't want, because I see the people in the supermarket, you know, that work for the supermarket, getting the online shoppers stuff. And I'm like, I wouldn't have chosen that banana. No, can't you? Or I wouldn't have chosen that.

I thought you could be really specific about what you liked. Like a firm yellow banana. Yeah. Surely there's a little drop down on what kind of nannies you like. I don't know. I just don't. I want to pick it myself. Yeah, right.

All of it. Okay. Well, this isn't for you then. Yeah. They'd give me the, you know, the bag of chips that have been crushed a little bit. Can't you put notes in? Yeah, that's what I thought. Literally just making what she just said.

No, but you could be real passag. Oh, like don't crinkle my cornflakes. Not a fan of overly green bananas. Okay. If you drop a packet on the ground, put it back and get a different one. Right. Don't shake that. So she opens her door to the supermarket delivery guy.

Chris. So this is Helen and Chris. So Chris delivers her groceries every week. And so soon he started saying, do you want to carry them in for you? She's like, lovely, Chris. Thank you.

So then he ended up like saying, can I use your bathroom? And then they'd have a wee chat. And then he started staying for a quick coffee. Yeah they'd have a wee chat. And then he started staying for a quick coffee. Yeah. And then have a chat. And then. Keeping up to date with the news just became a little easier.

As it heralds new podcasts, the front page is your short, sharp daily news podcast. Join me, Damien Venuto, every weekday morning as I chat with journalists and newsmakers going behind the headlines to break down what you need to know on the biggest news stories of the day. Listen to the front page at nzherald.co.nz slash podcasts and follow us on iHeartRadio or wherever you get your podcasts. In the end, Chris got the courage to ask out Helen on a date. Chris yelled, slide dog. Yeah to ask out Helen on a date. Chris yelled, sly dog. Yeah.

And now they're getting married. Helen and Chris have found love on her doorstep. Did you fast forward there quite a bit? Well, I think there was dates and love in between and stuff. Yeah, right. Okay. But yeah, he basically turned up on her doorstep and it's all go. Didn't have to leave the house to find someone to marry.

For groceries or for a husband. Can't wait till they start arguing and he'll bring home the groceries and she'll be like, who got the good bananas? I bet you found some other woman and you're giving her the like bananas are going to be perfect tomorrow. This one's too far gone and this one's a week away.

But this is a good way to meet people. We have lots of things delivered to our doors these days. Yeah. Not just couriers. So I'd like to know if anyone has found love on their doorstep. When has love just knocked on the door? Maybe one of the, who are those religious people that come around and knock? Well, you've got many religious.

Yeah, maybe you could do knockers. Yeah. Mormons. You've got your Jehovah Witnesses. Pastafarians. Haven't seen that one. Who else knocks on the door? People selling art.

And they're like, oh, this is an authentic place. You're like, don't you lie to me. No, but it's a scam. It's the scammy art people. The Church of Courier Post. Oh, I like that church. That ties me in. You tie us to them regularly, don't The Church of Courier Post. Oh, I like that church. That ties me in. You tie us to them regularly, don't you?

Yeah, I do. But they tithe back, which is nice. All right, well, I mean, this is a hard one, because, I mean, we're asking, if you've met someone on your doorstep without even going out, like, I think this would be rare, slash I doubt it would happen that much. Well, we only need one story to make us all go,

Okay, well, has this ever happened to you? Have you met someone on your front doorstep without even leaving the house? Maybe they were a repair guy. Oh, sexy. No.

Sometimes. 0800 dials at M, text in 9696. I'll just stop you there. You can't text message in. We haven't renewed our subscription. So we're not getting any text messages this morning. You can text Fletch's phone directly.

If I recall, the phone number is 022. Don't even. Duh. I believe they are working on the text message. Yeah, it's never going to be ready. Contact us via our socials. That's a good way to do it. You're probably on Instagram already

You're probably stuck in traffic on Instagram I would just say Give us a call 0800 dials at M I am gonna Who didn't renew Let's not argue in front of the kids Let's not argue in front of the kids

This is like borrowing that time We borrowed someone's car And they hadn't paid the red show And we got the ticket That was Clint And we never paid that But right now Talking about a woman Whose story has gone viral,

she met her husband on her front doorstep. He delivered her groceries. We want to know, have you ever met someone without even leaving the house? Wouldn't that be nice? And lots of people have. Yeah, you said it wouldn't happen. Classic you. Always saying things wouldn't happen when they have.

Well, somebody said they met their teenage heartthrob when, I mean, it wasn't like Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That's who I was thinking of too, JTC. I was either going to go Luke Perry or Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh, he would have been next. Or Taylor Norton. No, well, that's 2000s. So, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is in my head.

No, their teenage sweetheart when they delivered pizza to their house. Oh, wow. And then they messaged them and they kicked off a little bit of a teen romance. All right, we'll take more of your calls and your texts next. We're talking about a woman that met her husband after he delivered groceries multiple times to her house. She didn't need to leave her house to find love. How good is that? It knocked on her door.

And so we're asking the question, have you been in this situation before? Because it's quite rare. But then I guess a lot of people come to your house for different reasons, don't they? So Kerry, you found love

on your front doorstep. Yeah, no, she found love on her doorstep. Oh, so you went to her house? Yeah,

she was selling up all of her stuff to move overseas and I came along and found a bargain and yeah, got a little bit more than I bargained for. But she was moving overseas. That doesn't sound like it.

Did you change your mind? No. So we actually moved overseas together for a year and then we came back end of last year. Wait, so you went to buy some stuff she was selling so she could go overseas and you ended up going with her? Yeah, yeah yeah exactly how long did it take you

from the the trade me pickup to going overseas uh well I'd actually already booked a trip to go to

the UK and she had already booked a trip to go um like Paris and all that and to the UK so we actually

um I said to her if she was um around we'll catch up in London for a drink and then um she was if she was around, we'll catch up in London for a drink. And then... She was around?

She was around. Wow. Not even a week later, you actually caught up for a drink. Yeah. That is such a cool story. That is so cool. Fate. Fate.

Yeah, meant to be. Kerry, thanks. You're cool. Sharon, you found love on the doorstep? Hi. So when I was 17 years old, I was selling makeup door to door. Yeah. The lady at the house had a makeup party, and I met her son there.

We have now been married coming up 30 years. Oh, my God. That's amazing. He didn't even need to leave the house. He did not leave the house. Wow. He probably didn't even need to leave the house. He did not leave the house. Wow. He probably didn't even want to attend the make-up party. He just happened to be there.

No, he didn't. No, he rang me up a couple of weeks later and, yeah, asked me out. I didn't even know who he was. Just like a couple of those lipsticks. Brilliant. Hey, Sharon, thanks for your call. Tanya, did love turn up on your doorstep. It sure did.

Okay, who turned up? You didn't even need to leave the house. No, so I brought the house that I was living in. I brought off my parents. And it's got a pool and it had a leak. So I had to have someone come and fix that. And, yeah, he turned up. And, yeah, it took a very long time to fix the pool.

Oh, my God. And he hasn't left? that and yeah, he turned up and yeah, it took a very long time to fix the pool. Oh my god! And he hasn't left? No, we dated for a while and then he moved in so he's still helping me do more renovations so he calls it DIY dating but we've been together for coming up three years. Oh my god!

That's like such a soap opera. It is, yeah. You slept with the pool boy. That's hot. And he got called the pool guy for so long. Oh yeah. I know what that's like. So good. Hey, thanks for your call, Tanya.

Some messages from Instagram. I asked the delivery guy for my bed, the guy that delivered my bed, I asked him out on a date. I had his number because he texted me saying what time the delivery's going to happen because it's what I do. I texted

him a few days after the delivery date saying, I'm sorry, I don't know who this is. I've just got this number on my phone. Who is this? Okay. Was that the intention? And then I was all like, oh my God, Connor the delivery guy? Oh my goodness me, I'm so sorry. We like catch up. Went on

a couple of dates. Took him for a test run on the new bed. I was a couple of dates took him for a test run on the new bed I was going to say was there a test run on the new bed but it wasn't love alas it was not love

and Freya messaged in saying when she was living in Switzerland my friend started dating the postman they saw each other for quite a while oh okay

hot cool hot you're just wanting everybody hooking up with anybody hot. When they just, I don't know. You are. Are you okay today?

Oh, poor guy. Hot. Postman. Hot. Yeah, no, I just think it's like. Oh, Baycorp guy coming to tell me my fines have led to reposition of essential household utility. That's more lovely for me. Hot.

ZM's Fletch Warner Megan, the podcast. What's that sound? ZM's $100,000 secret sound. Receive my bacon. All thanks to Save My Bacon making borrowing better for financially responsible Kiwis. Soundkeeper Gary. Hello.

Now, do we have to wait for this jackpot or do we get it now? I think we wait. I think it's easier if we wait. Because, you know, whoever gets it also, there's 80 grand on the line. I might need a little bit more. Yeah. Oh, well, that's bad news for you, James.

Because, I mean, 80,000 isn't bad, but, I mean, it could be 81 maybe or 82 next. 80's fine, I'll take it. 80's fine, yeah. All right, well, this is the secret sound, the sound that's been doing everybody's head in for the last, what, how many weeks, Gary? This is middle of week six.

Still hasn't been guessed yet. I really thought it would be by now. Okay, well, as you said, Gary, it's very easy. But you can say that because you're the only one that knows it. Alright, James, that $80,000 is yours if you can tell us what the sound is. Okay, I think

it's Jake from Dirty Dancing standing up from his squeaky seat and sitting back down. Ah, yes, a clue went out yesterday afternoon. It was a picture of Patrick Swayze and the text saying, except for Gary. And this is what you've deciphered from that latest clue, James.

Yes, watching the video clip there. You guys seen Dirty Dancing? Yeah, a long time ago. Nope. No, I've never seen it. Really? I just know that... Don't put Baby in the Corner.

And they do that... I figure that's all I need to know. To be fair, Fletch would hate it, but I think Vaughn might like it. Really? I just know that don't put baby in the corner. And they do that. Ah, head. I figure that's all I need to know. To be fair, Fletch would hate it, but I think Vaughn might like it. I don't know. Put it on the list. Okay, well. James?

James, that's not what the secret sound is, mate. Oh, James. Oh, James. Well, lucky we didn't blow the jackpot on that. Thank you, guys. It would have been a downer after the jackpot, wouldn't it? All right. Hey, thanks, James.

All right. So, Gary, are we doing this? Let's do it. Yeah, of course. Let's do it. Secret Sound Jackpot. Are you ready? Are you ready for this one?

So, you think it's 81? What have we been going up with lately? Fives, eh? Fives. 85. 85 would be nice. So, the most we've given away with Secret Sound is 50,001 go. We're already record-breaking.

Yeah. All right, well, Fletch, why don't you just push that next button for me? June 2nd, 1896. The Secret Sound is played for the first time on radio. It's a spring-loaded apanitis to allow the creation of hoes in newsprint. The Secret Sound became an overnight worldwide sensation. Bless the gifts for our Secret Sound. You are the winner of 36 Kenyan shillings. He's got $109!

For decades, the Secret Sound was abandoned to radio jail. Until... Oh, what's this? The secret sound? I like that. Cracking an egg. Buzzy bee toy. An earplug.

A beatbox. Eating a pickle. A can opener. A mouthful. A co-elated screw gun. You've won $10,000, Amy. You've just won $20,000. My Amy. You've just won $20,000. You just won $30,000.

You've just won $50,000. You've just won $50,000. ZM's Secret Sound has given away over a quarter of a million dollars. But soundkeeper Gary, what's the new jackpot well guys I'm gonna need a drum roll but Fletch don't worry I've got my own Jackie get in here Fletch you want to make it rain Megan you want to make it rain

I've also got some poppers over here are you ready for this and Jackie stop one Kiwi is gonna guaranteed win $100,000 because we are all guaranteed win $100,000 because we are all in, baby! $100,000!

I just wanted to make it rain. Oh, we got the cheap poppers again. Oh, it didn't pop. Okay, well, that's a year. Oh, God! Better late than never, popper. Wow, so $100,000. We're all in.

Someone in New Zealand is going to win $100,000. We're all in. Someone in New Zealand's going to win $100,000. It's guaranteed. Okay, well, your next chance is coming up at 11 and 1 with Georgia. Bree and Clint this afternoon at 4 and 5, and then we'll be back with 7 and 8 if it's not 1 by then. Imagine getting that in one go. Wow. I mean, like, Lotto, you always dream of that,

but that's not going to happen. Yeah. That's true. All right, well, all the, you always dream of that, but that's not going to happen. Yeah. That's true. All right, well, all the clothes, the guesses that we've had, everything you need is at ZM Online, and we're at $100,000. All thanks to Save My Back, and thank you, Soundkeeper Gary. Thank you, guys.

I think you've just made everyone's life a little bit more hell. I'm ready. Where do we go from here? $100,000, it's at the top. A million? Oh, okay, maybe. So here at the show, it's pretty hard to find things to talk about on the radio

that don't in some way relate to coronavirus lately. It's all anybody's talking about, really. It's all that's in the news. Festival's been cancelled. Oh, well, Coachella, because some friends and I are going, and everyone is just like, the rumours were coming out yesterday that it's going to be postponed until October. And then you're like, well, we've booked flights,

but they're non-refundable. And then are you going to get your money back? Do you know some festivals I was reading today, South by Southwest and Ultra Festival in Miami that were the big news that were cancelled, they're not giving people refunds for tickets. They're saying, oh, you can have some tickets for 2021 or 2022. Wow. That's cheeky, eh?

Surely they're not allowed to do that. They didn't provide the thing that you bought the ticket for. But the festivals have insurance, but no insurance like travel is paying for pandemics and disease. Even on a smaller scale, last night at Have You Been Paying Attention, we've got a live studio audience, no more than like 65 people. Yeah. And a company was due to come and the company had to pull out because of their company policy of not being allowed in a meeting

of more than 25 people in one room. Oh, can you imagine if we get to Skype in work meetings? The dream. Yeah, you'll just put it on and you'll be like, me, I'm going to get a cable cut out. Do you know, in Italy, it's pretty serious. The death toll has jumped from 366 on Monday to 463. The entire country is on lockdown.

You can't leave without a very good reason. If you have a mortgage in Italy... They've suspended payments. They've suspended payments. Because people aren't working. They don't have money to pay their mortgage. Right. It's crazy.

So they've said to the banks, no, no one has to pay their mortgage. They've suspended mortgage payments. The banks can go into their billion dollar profits. They don't want to. They don't want to. Yeah, it's pretty scary. But a place where you would think you just go and have casual conversation,

like when you go get your nails done, you have yarns, like what are you up to and everything. But intern, executive producer, Anya, went and got her nails done yesterday and had a DNM with a nail technician. Yeah, it was really eye-opening. I suppose I personally hadn't really considered the effect that it was having on small businesses, unless, you know,

you're directly involved in, like, the health sector. But yeah, she was saying that she's had to cut down her staff by half and start laying people off because she just isn't getting the customers because people are just turning away basically because of racism. What?

Oh, because I was going to say, why aren't people getting their nails done? Yeah, I mean, this is... What? Because the staff are Asian. Yeah. And they're like, well, I'm not going there. That's ridiculous.

Mm-hmm. It's really sad. And yeah, because, you know, we were chatting in the middle of the salon, but I could see she was kind of starting to tear up as we were talking about it. Yeah, we are. That really sad. And yeah, because we were chatting in the middle of the salon, but I could see she was kind of starting to tear up as we were talking about it. That is sad. You've got to trust that people who own businesses

and small businesses, they will self-isolate should they have a concern because no business wants to be the one that gives coronavirus to someone. Oh, that's the end of your business. That's the end of it. That's not a quiet period. That's got to be the end.

You've got to trust that if they have anyone that has any kind of symptoms, they're going to put them in isolation. So, like, if you start boycotting businesses like that, it's the end. Yeah, like, we have to support businesses, don't we? Yeah, speaking from a small business owner. And it's hard because they have staff.

If they can't get the money in to pay them, they can't have the staff. Yeah. And I just worry that we have to isolate one of our staff. And then we have such a small group of, there's only like seven of us. As soon as we start isolating any of them, then what are we going to do to run the business? It's a scary time for people who have small businesses. So I think like if you can get out there and support them.

You don't really think about it, do you? Because if you just go to work, you just go about your life. You don't really think about people like yourself who. Because, yeah, I mean, I'm not too worried about coronavirus as, you know, like an illness because, you know, if you're strong and healthy, then like potentially you'll be fine. But it's more the effects that it's having, you know, if you're strong and healthy then like potentially you'll be fine. But it's more the effects that it's having, you know, the roll on effects of businesses

and things like that. So just don't be racist, please. Good God. And if you can, get out there and support small businesses because you know, we're very much aware that we do not want to be the people that spread it. So they're not going to let anyone go to work

if they're not feeling well. You've got to trust that. Scary times. All right. Well, on a lighter note, I've got a vacuum cleaner from Kmart in the studio and we're going to play Fletch Sucks next. Speaking of supporting small business.

Yeah. Kmart. To be fair, this is an old purchase. But now you primarily support small business. The vacuum cleaner store that's local, I don't even know of, is there one? Godfrey's? That's the only name that pops into my head with the vacuum cleaner. Yeah, maybe, but that's a big thing as well, isn't it?

I don't know. There's no Ma and Pa vacuum cleaner stores anymore. Well, not that I know of. It's a carryover, so I believe $200. You've just got to guess what part of my body I'm sucking next. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. If you see a shady guy with a Dyson in tow, well, it must be time for Fletch Sucks.

Fletch Sucks, baby. Don't sing it like you mean it. Well, welcome to another edition of Fletch Sucks. It's a carryover week because last week nobody could guess what part of the body I was sucking with my cheap Kmart vacuum cleaner. I can't remember what it was.

Oh, well you'll see. So when you do it again, okay, cool. Yeah, you can see. So, I mean, it's really, it's a very easy radio competition.

Do I need to explain any more? Not really. Probably not, I'll fire it up. You're not missing any body parts? Your appendix

has been taken out but you wouldn't be sucking that anyway, would you? My appendix? I haven't had my appendix taken out. I thought they took it out when you took the hernia. I thought they took it while they were in there. No. Didn't they do something else while they were in there?

Yeah, tummy tuck. No, remember I had an outie belly button. That's what they do. Did they change your belly button? I had a button. Show me. No, it's normal now. Did they push it in?

Yeah, I think they pulled it in? Yeah, they pulled it in. I think they pulled it in. Oh, yuck. Because it was a real cute button. And I was real young. I was only like 11. Hang on, I'm just sorry. And they were like, and they were so, the doctor was like, oh, gross.

The doctor was so grossed out. No, I just asked for it. I was like, can I just have a little nip tuck? You pretty much had plastic surgery. You've had elective cosmetic surgery. On your belly button. On the bloody teeth of the taxpayer. Yeah, it was a public hospital, mate.

You son of a bitch. Well, I mean, why not? Wait, so at 11, were you conscious of it? Well, I think so. Had Kiss said, ooh, yours pokes out or something? I can't remember, maybe. That's horrible. That's horrible, yeah. I kind of like outies because mine's an innie. I couldn't remember. Maybe. It's horrible. It's horrible.

Yeah. I kind of like outies because mine's an innie. I couldn't imagine having it now. I'm glad it happened. Right. I could imagine

I was just 11 and just had a little sook about it. You were like, I want a belly button. Mum, everyone else has got an innie belly button

and I've got an outie. If everybody else's belly buttons jumped off a bridge with yours. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, let me fire up the vacuum. Here we go.

Let's have a listen. I'll try and do it slow. Okay. I'm going to get into position. Mm-hmm. All right, that's your clue. Good morning, Parminder. How are you?

Hey, good morning. All right, so what part of my body am I sucking? Wait, can you turn the vacuum off? It's your bicep. Bicep. My bicep? Bicep. Oh, okay.

Bad news. Hell no! Sorry, Paminda. It's not. All right. Who have we got? Sarah, good morning. What part?

I'm thinking it's like a closed fist hand, kind of like... Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Hell no! Oh! Yes, it's not, though. Sian, hey, good morning. What body part? I think it's, though. Sianay, good morning.

What body part? I think it's your bottom. Sianay. Sianay. Sianay. Sianay. Yep. Get out of here.

And go. With your Rudy, Rudy guess. I should do that one week, though. That'd be pretty funny. I don't want to see it, though. Oh, yeah, I probably might have to get a screen for that. We'll get one of those little, you know those screens you see?

Dressing screens. People have them in their rooms. Like, you get dressed behind it. Yeah, like in old movies. Oh, yeah, like they go behind it, they'll be like, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, and things come over the top. Yeah, Sophie, what body part?'ll be like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Sophie! Gosh, imagine that. My man boom. And studio. God, I should have asked for my moobs to be...

Got some lipo when I was 11 when I had my win here. Hell no! Get out of here, Sophie. No. Get out of here. Hannah, what do you think? What body part? I'm thinking your forearm.

The forey. Hell no! It's not my forearm. your forearm? The fourie. Emma! It's not my forearm. And it's not his fourie either. We'll save that being guessed. Emma,

good morning. Good morning. Good morning, Emma. Do we need to hear it again? Good morning. Oh, okay. Do you know just while he gets that Saturday,

I googled celebrities with outie belly buttons. Yeah. You know Michael Kors from Michael Kors Handbags? Yeah. Michael Kors from Michael Kors Handbags? Yeah. Michael Kors. Michael Kors Handbags.

That's not how it goes. He's an outie. Like a huge outie. We don't need to belly button shame him. Oh, my God. It's like a tied off. It's like a button. It's like a bag of cocaine that you shove up your buttom if you were to smuggle it internationally.

It's like you got a sausage and you just squeezed it with your fist and the end poked out. Here we go. Let's have a listen, Emma. What body part? Oh, God. Is it like the leg? Hell no! Get out of here.

Marama, what do you think? Your teeth. My what do you think? Your teeth My what? My cheek? Yeah Hell no I thought she said teeth One more, two more

Can we give a clue at any point? I'm having fun No, no clues You've got to listen The clue's in the listen Okay In the sound Marcus, what do you think?

Yeah Alright bro, I'm going to go for your neck. My neck. Not the neck. No. Hell no. Get out of here, Marcus. Get a hickey.

All right. One. Yes, that too. Angel, last guess today. What body part am I sucking? Is it under your thigh? Thigh. Under the thigh.

Under the thigh. Under the thigh. Hell no. The inner thigh. The inner thigh. No. Dangerously. Under the thigh. Hell no! The inner thigh. The inner thigh, no. Dangerously close to the testicles. No, Angel. Unfortunately, it's not.

And that, wow, that's our highest ever. What are you saying, Executive Antoinette? She's waving at me. Does she want to take one more? No. Are we taking one more? No. Are we taking one more? No. No.

No clues. And he's like, give people a clue. No. Do you know what? Another thing. It's not the secret sound. Our text machine subscription's been paid, so we've started getting some of those back in again.

Yep. Lots of people messaging in saying they wish you'd kept the outie belly button, because they feel they need a local ambassador of the alley belt. Oh, really? Lots of the outie belly button. Oh, really? Lots of outies messaging the show. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with outies. Can you get it back out?

Shall I get a quote for an outie belly button? I should try and find a photo of me as a cute kid with my outie belly button. That'll be difficult. It's time for Fact of the day Day, day, day, day Gather round children And let me tell you about the kan shi ketsu. Kan.

Kan shi ketsu. Okay. That is from Japanese Buddhism. Chinese Buddhism called it the... I knew it was Japanese. Kan shi ju. Kan shi ju. It is, and that translates to the dry shit stick.

And it is an alternative in these toilet paper times that we can rely on from the ancient cultures of both Chinese and Japanese Buddhism. It's interesting you say that because my happy salt lamp crystal friend, Morgan, she put up on her... Your lovely friend. Yeah, lovely. She put up on her... Your lovely friend. Yeah, lovely.

She put up on her Instagram story the other day the different plants that we can use in the wild for toilet paper. Two of those looked very waxy. I saw that post. They look very, very waxy. You need one with like a slight furriness or something. No, because that...

Generally, the furriness is a deterrent from being eaten. Yeah, and they could be under a microscope, that fur could be tiny hooks. And those thousands of tiny hooks get down right on the entrance point. Or exit point, depending on how you use it. Or both. Yeah, sure. I'm not here to judge. You're not hurting anybody.

So, yeah, growing up, if you were ever caught short down the farm, you looked for what we always called a dock leaf, and it was this large, large leaf. So I've always heard people say that, but I couldn't identify one. A don plant. It'd be the equivalent to a five ply, wouldn't it?

Nah, your fingers would go right through it. Oh, really? Okay, right. Yeah, it was a real craft. You had to put the, you know, the thick vein of a broad-leafed plant that runs down the middle. Yeah. You'd have to get your, you'd have to situate it there. That was the strongest part of the leaf.

Okay. You know. Yeah. Cruise too much to one side or the other, it'd be a piercing and you'd have a dirty. We get it. We get it. Anyway, so this tool was a small stick. And I've got photos. This is for nobody outside of the studio will benefit from these at all,

but that's just a size comparison. It looks like you see like, you know, those people at the markets that sell those remu stirring sticks. Yes. And that would actually be, I tell you what, a sanded and oiled remu would be a lovely shit stick, wouldn't it? No, but. It's kind of, they described the ending as spatula-like.

So they used instead of toilet paper. Yeah, so what you do is you do your business and then you'd have a bucket or a bowl or something holding water. Yep. And the stick would be in there and you'd poke it out and you'd... You'd just spatula. You'd spatula.

You know, getting all the cake mix out of the bowl. Except you're not licking the spatula afterwards. Oh, certainly not. The cake spatula and the butt spatula should be kept in two. Wow. And very well labelled. But you'd do that do that. We all had

a picture of the mixing bowl perfectly scraped with maybe a little line of chocolate batter. Mine was chocolate too. You give it a bit of a splash. I think everybody was imagining chocolate cake. Yeah. Right. So you can make your own. Okay. Great. If you want.

Cool. And save on toilet paper if you're really caught short. So today's fact of the day is if you're caught short for toilet paper, you can fall back on the ancient Buddhism stick known as the Kan Shit Kepso. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. It's going to make it tough ordering katsumakatsu chicken next time.

Oh, yeah. We're going to talk about something that happened in Parliament last night because it affects around half the population. And so many people would have been through this scenario, but often don't talk about it. And it's probably people you know and they have never spoken to you about it. Well, you wouldn't know about it, would you? So, aspects

of the abortion legislation bill were voted on in Parliament last night. That vote was on removing all the legal provisions for safe zones, including the ways in which police could administer them. So to protect women from harassment when they go to get an abortion or anyone.

This is to stop people protesting right at the front door. Yeah. I mean, God, what have people got nothing better to do? I asked them that once once because there was always, where I used to go running years ago when I lived in central Auckland, I used to go running, there was a clinic. Yeah. And there was always people protesting.

And one time they said to me, abortion is murder. And I said, you don't have anything better to do than to harass people who are already going through what I would imagine to be a very, very hard decision, a full-blown medical process, and I'm guessing a part where they start questioning if they're doing the right thing, and you've got nothing better to do than stand out here and belittle people going through hell? Yeah. Yeah.

So the safe zones, it was 150 metres? Yeah, and they used to do it right on that. Yeah. Yeah, and they used to do it right on that. Yeah, right. So that vote passed, which renders the definition of a safe area redundant in the law. So that means while getting an abortion would not be a criminal act, you could still be treated like one.

That means although it is a medical procedure on your body, it is fine for you to be publicly abused while seeking the procedure. David Seymour said the safe zones would have set a dangerous precedent around freedom of expression. Well, I would say that freedom of expression has set a dangerous precedent for abuse, bullying and hatred in our society. You do not get to comment on medical choices I make on my body or anyone makes on their body, period. If the law has dictated that it is your choice, you do not get a say. I can respect your opinion on abortions, anyone's opinion on abortions, but you have to respect mine and everyone else's. That's just, that should go without saying, I would have thought. There is zero consideration for the well-being of these women

and their personal circumstances when they are opting for these abortions. Like Vaughan said, it would be a horrific decision to make. And they do not have to tell you, and you do not have the right to ask why. It's her body. It's her choice. It's not just in regards to abortion and we will continue to say that until people like David Seymour bloody listen.

He's a wally. He's a real dingbat. He's a dingbat wally. But then that's the thing about people who are always barking on for freedom of speech and freedom of expression. It's only the freedom of choice and freedom of expression that agrees with their views. When somebody else expresses the freedom of choice, you know, if it disagrees with their views, they're pretty quick to say that it's out of place. So what's happening in Parliament then?

So it will be, it's going to go through because it's been voted on twice, hasn't it, that abortion will be now legal because it was illegal. The decriminalisation of abortion. Decriminalisation. It moves from a crime, being dealt with under crimes to full-blown health. Which is great in 2020. Oh my God.

I was blind to all this. Yeah, we're quite progressive, but then also there's like this, and you're just like, what? It's illegal? But also, how are these people that are voting in Parliament saying, okay, well, we're going to decriminalise the situation,

but we'll let people bully you and abuse you at the front door. Still treat you like one. It's a medical procedure. It's none of your business what they're doing with their body. The same as it would be for any other procedure. Me getting carpal tunnel surgery.

It's no different. You don't stand at the door and abuse me for cutting my wrist and getting my thing sorted. You know, it doesn't make any difference to me. It shouldn't. It's crazy that these politicians voted one thing in and then said, no, you're allowed to be bullied at the front door. Madness. So yeah, that happened last night. Yay, New Zealand.

ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. ZM, grab a $4 barista-made coffee from McCafe today. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan's 4 and 4 frother with McCafe. Well, as you just heard the voiceover lady say, you can grab a delicious barista made coffee for only $4 at McCafe and all this week giving you the chance to win a month's free coffee at McCafe. And

playing this morning, Chrissy, good morning. Good morning, how are you? Good, thank you. So it's 4-in-4. Chrissy, I will give you a topic you need to name. Four items in four seconds that fit into that topic to win. Okay, all right. Okay, are you ready? What's the topic?

What's your topic? Your topic today is four cafe cabinet foods. Your time starts now. A cake, a muffin, and a cake, chocolate cake. Oh, Chrissy. It's gone. Chrissy, no. That was like seven seconds, Chrissy. Chrissy. Oh, no. Oh, Chrissy. It's gone. Chrissy, no. That was like seven seconds, Chrissy.

Chrissy. Oh, Chrissy. Oh, Chrissy. You were doing so well. It just took a little longer than four seconds. I remember when you said, yeah, you stopped on the chocolate cake and you thought about it too long about the chocolate cake. You're like cake.

You're like cake. Oh, chocolate cake. Okay. Laura, good morning. Good morning. All right, so you have four seconds to name. Four colours. Your time starts now.

Blue, blue, green, yellow. Oh, too easy. Too easy. Didn't even need the whole four seconds. Although that was a lot easier than four cafe cabinet first. I know, I feel like it was. Hey, congratulations, Laura. We have a month's free coffee

from McCafe for you. Congratulations. Awesome, thank you. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, why not give ZM's Bree and Clint a listen too?

Subscribe on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Head music lives here. ZM.