ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - FVM Best Bits- Celebrations

Episode Date: December 23, 2020

FVM Best Of Celebrations!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast. Thanks to McCafe. Grab a barista-made coffee at the Macca's drive-thru. ZM. Hit music. Live the air. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. It is Vaughan Smith's birthday today. Happy birthday, Vaughan. Thank you. Thank you. We had many a meeting because, you know, someone's birthday comes up and you're like, what are we going to do? Well, no, you can't be included in birthday present meetings.

And we have a no Vaughan group chat. Oh, yeah. That's always a classic around the birthday time. No Megan group chat. But we were like, what do we get the guy who's got everything? He's in the 1%. He's got an electric gate. If he wants anything, he goes out

and buys it himself. Or gets it from the tip. Famously. Because when I said, what about a barbecue? You've already got five of them. You've got another one from the tip. Do you have five barbecues? Three, four,

five. Six ones being made and seven's a possibility. Okay. You only need one, but okay, fine. This is why he's in the 1%. He's got an electric gate and seven barbecues. Because you've got the coal. No, not the coal.

Charcoal. Charcoal. Big gassy. Little gassy. That you take away to the beach. Just a small little hot plate one. And the tree hut's going to need one. Oh, you're dead right, actually.

Not if you want the tree hut to... Mind you, that's pretty dangerous to cook with fire when you're living in a wooden tree hut in a tree. Yeah. House is a wood. Huh? House is a wood. Oh, you raised a great point.

Yeah. But you don't cook with open fire inside the house. That's true. So you see our dilemma. What on earth to get Vaughan for his birthday? Okay, well. Bring them in! No, I'm joking, no.

There's nothing behind you. No one's coming in. No one's coming in. What we have done for your birthday is we have enlisted the help from your... No, you can't do this. What do you mean? You're not allowed to do this again.

You already did this a couple of years ago. What did we do? With my daughters. Nothing to do with your daughters. Okay. Yeah. We've enlisted the help from your dad. Vaughn was a very, he was always seemed to be in trouble,

but he wasn't the guy causing the trouble. Vaughan and I are very similar really. We've both got a very soft spot. We don't always show it, but we like giving people hugs. He's got a very caring side and that's what we're proud of. Recently, he took delivery of my dad's Land Rover. My dad always used to have an Akubra hat and when dad passed away, Vaughan went up to where his nana and papa lived and he said, do you mind if I have a couple of Papa's Akubra hats? And so consequently when the Land Rover drove down the track

Popper may as well have been in the Land Rover and drove down the track because he was in an Acubra hat. The only difference was the guy driving there had a bed and sunglasses on. But yeah, I felt proud and um, how do I put this? I know

that my dad and that's Vaughan's papa would be very proud of him. He has achieved what he wanted to achieve. He's got a lovely wife, two gorgeous kids, and he likes sharing that with people and sharing and caring with other people. He's just a loving, caring sort of guy,

and that's what we love about him. They say you share, you get your genes Par from your father and par from your mother I think Vaughan got 75% from me and 25% from his mother We have had him DNA'd And he is ours, so that's fine Happy birthday Vaughan All the best on your 38th birthday

It's been 38 years of very interesting moments we have shared with you. I know you're a very caring bloke, not only to myself, to your mother. We think the world of you We love you Enjoy your day Peace He's not dead or anything, right? That would be it All the things I knew inside. It's hard, but it's harder to ignore. He's not dead or anything, right?

That would be a cruel twist. Oh, man, that was... Why do you guys like breaking me on my birthday? I love my dad so much. And we're one of those families that don't say it much. So that's why that's so special to have. But yeah, he's a good man. And thank you so much for those kind words, father.

Very much appreciated. Damn it, you got me again! Oh, man. Oh, well, yeah, I'm pretty broken from that, too. Call your father and tell him that you love him today. I will be doing so after work, where I can cry by myself. Thank you.

Well, happy birthday, boy. Thank you. Well, happy birthday, boy. Thank you. Happy birthday. We give you a lot of shit, but you're a good man. And I know that if I ever need you, you're always there for me, like a brother. And this is the only time I'm going to give you these compliments. But it's, yeah, you're

a good guy. And you do have a heart of gold and you care a lot about the people around you. So I hope you have a very nice gold and you care a lot about the people around you. So I hope you have a very nice day. Fletch. It's not my birthday. Just what Megan said. That was great.

I can't beat that. That was really beautiful. I'm cut up by Ian, man. That was really something. He used to smack us so hard. That's why that's also, people will meet my dad now or even like since we've been adults and everyone really likes him.

He's like red off that 70s show. That was what we always called him when that show came out. And because he was a hard man and wasn't afraid to tell it how it is. But yeah, people don't believe that he was ever capable of

rolling up the Sunday paper and absolutely jamming your arse with it. You were a shitbag kid. Awful, awful children. Boy, thanks the world are you now. That's good. That's nice. Thank you.

Thanks, everybody. Also, this song. Yeah. You sons of bitches. You know the song gets me. Because of that bloody New Zealand post, Dad. Yeah. Great.

There we go. Happy birthday, Vaughan. Woo! Thanks. We're all right. Everyone needs a cup of tea and a lie down now. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The Podcast. ZM.

So, I mean, Megan can just say, hey guys, you know, take us aside before the show or after the show, or maybe take us out to coffee in a nice setting in a park and say, hey guys, we've got some lovely news. I'm pregnant. No. We work in radio. Yeah, no.

And now aren't you glad that you can listen back to this? No. Fletch and I had retired to the nook. That's two chairs in the corner of the studio. I was eating my porridge as I do every morning. And we were winding down. We were done for the day. Done for the day.

And then there was a call to record some evergreen content, which I'm hearing a lot. We gave a giant eye roll. We've got a film with TikTok challenge. And it's the TikTok whisper challenge. I said, I'm familiar. And then I said, haven't we already done one of those? And they're like, no, no, this is different.

I was like, ugh. This is how hard it is to get yourself past. Megan's like, okay, well, I'll read the whisper. She jumped at it. And Megan was like, okay, well, I'll read the whisper. She jumped at it. Yeah. And I was like, fine. So then we had to-

I handed a note of what I was going to say to you. So the idea is we would put on headphones and you say a phrase and we have to guess what you're saying by just reading your lips,

your mouth moving. Because you've got music in your headphones. And we chose Denise Williams' song from the Footloose soundtrack, Let's Hear It For The Boy. A jam. Yeah. Do you want me to play it?

Well, I mean, just so we set the scene. Why did we choose this song? I think she's lurking there, like, let's hear it for my baby. Because I read a meme, yeah, I read a meme about how she spins every verse saying how useless her man is and how, like, and then it gets to the chorus and she's like, oh but he's trying his best, let's hear it for the

boy, and how much things have changed. Okay, so we're gonna go, this happened last week, we had our headphones on. We'll just wait for you then shall we? Yeah, so we've got our headphones on and this

is blaring, crankabbing. Cranking us. We can't hear a single other thing. And this is when Megan tells us the news. Can't hear it by the mic! No idea what they're even for. Did you say it? No. Okay, you ready? Yeah. Ready?

I am pregnant. Did you say it? Yeah. Say it again. Your mouth didn't Ready? I am pregnant. Did you say it? Yeah. Say it again. Your mouth doesn't move. I am pregnant. Do you even move your mouth when you talk? Have we started? Yeah.

I am pregnant. Move the mic away. I can't see you go. I am pregnant. Open your mouth and speak. Oh, my God. Are you saying one word or a sentence? You have to guess.

Say it again. Go. Ready? Yep. I am pregnant. Pass off. You don't even, like, what are you saying, peaches? You're like, no, no. Does it start with B?

No. Ah. I am pregnant. Please. Move your mouth. Pizza? Move your mouth, piss. Like a bar?

Well, kind of. Okay, ready? I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I am. I am. What did you say? I am hungry. I am. I am. What did you say? I am hungry.

Biscuits. Not biscuits. Not biscuits. Okay. I am not biscuits. Boobies. Not boobies. Not boobies.

Doesn't start with B. Go again. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. Did I get it? Yay. I don't know. See, get it. Wait, are you actually? What was it Do I get it? No. I don't know, but say get it.

Wait, are you actually? What was it? What was it? Repeat it. What was it? Repeat it. She's pregnant. I am pregnant.

What? Whatever. Are you joking? No. Get, okay, drink a glass of wine. No, I can't. She is. What if this was a wacky challenge No

This is a fake note Yeah So you're pregnant? Yes That's awesome Thanks That's great news What was we doing this stupid thing for?

What was this stupid wacky challenge for? I thought it was a wacky internet challenge Why can't we just have a half-time moment? Does everything have to be wacky? That is so good. Thanks. That is so great. Wacky internet video,

which ended up being a video. Yeah, it's been better, eh? Quite levelled, that. Yeah, wow. So that was the moment last week when Megan revealed the news. That I was biscuits. Or burpees.

Peaches. It's very hard because you don't move your mouth when you speak much. I noticed during that. Well, I didn't want to give it away. You moved your mouth way more then. See there? I didn't want to give it away. I didn't want to give it away.

Move your mouth and say it now. I am pregnant. No, you can roll through there without moving your mouth. Perfect. Well, congrats. Turn my microphone on, please. Today, the 23rd of June, that is Carl Peter Fletcher's birthday.

Yes, it is. And just loving life. What a year it's been. Where is this going? What a time to be alive. You're so sour. He's very worried about what we've got.

So sour. I just remember it's your birthday next, Megan. That's all I'll say. Yeah, this guy's throwing caution to the wind because he's already had his birthday. They happen every year, though. next, Megan. That's all I'll say. Yeah, this guy is throwing caution to the wind because he's already had his birthday. They happen every year, though. Yeah, true. You'll keep.

This, hey, look, I think I've given enough on my birthday. I've cried like two times in the last three years. Oh, but yours was nice. Well, I'm a nice person. This is not nice. It was nice, Megan, because I'm a nice person. So you would say this is fair as to reflect Fletcher's personality as well. Because for your birthday today, we opened up the anonymous Carl Fletcher complaint line.

I believe you had the audio in front of you. If you could play the first segment. Wait, do I press play on this? So we have. Do I press play on this? Yes, have... Do I press play on this? Yes, but I just explained it. We opened the line for complaints. People wish to remain anonymous

so that you didn't hold the grudge and carry it forth. This is my birthday. It's not a Comedy Central roast. It's reflective, isn't it? Unbelievable. It's on your birthday that you often just have to face yourself and who you are.

Yeah. And no greater way to do that than ask people if they had any complaints. Okay. Hello, you've reached the Fletch Complaint Hotline. Please leave your message after the tone. All right, where do I begin? You've never in over 16 years let me have my name go first. I actually don't like being called a cougar

because 10 years isn't really that much. I mean, he's one to talk. This one time I saw Fletch throw out a mug just straight into the bin because he didn't want to wash it himself. I've worked with Fletch for about 14 years and I'm still scarred from when I was the junior guy and Fletch used to

come into my little studio and do a sexy dance in front of me and I was like, oh this is all fun and games and then I realised he didn't have pants on. I've worked at NZME for two and a half years and I'm pretty sure Fletch has no idea what my name is. Fletch only really likes me because I've got

a really funny driver's license photo. So whenever he sees it, his face lights up. But I see him in person and it's not really the same. Fletch goes out of his way to call me the wrong name. It's not even a joke. It keeps me up at night. I've worked with Fletch for a while now. And since that time, I've been running a tally on how many times he asks me a personal question. Currently that tally sits at zero. Fletch if you're wondering I'm good. Just you've never asked me how I am. I know Fletch always comes to the company-wide meetings, has a sausage roll and leaves. Fletch ordered me an Uber probably about three minutes after we made love to each other.

Fletch once called me a lazy f***ing useless c***. And then he smiled and walked away. I've actually never had a problem with him, eh? The guy with the kids, eh? The other one. Yeah, f*** that guy. You have no new messages. Well, some of that was defamation.

And some of it was edited out as there was 17 minutes of audio. Was it? Was it? 17 minutes. That was honestly like, oh, do you want to say anything? People were a little reluctant, but once they got going, boy. Oh, I could pick some of those voices too. I know.

I know who those people are. And you can pick some of the true stories. To be fair, I only threw out the coffee mug because it had a crack in it. And the bin was closer than the dishwasher. And that was the CEO who said he notices you come to the meetings just to grab a sausage roll and then run away. Yeah, I always make a scene, yell out, so he notices me and slip out. But he notices you're leaving.

Yeah. Yeah, as well. Well, there you go. Thank you so much. Harsh feedback, but it's not over yet. We've had the bad. Next, we'll have the good. We're going to hear from someone who loves you very, very much.

Oh, my God. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. ZM. It's Fletch's birthday. We've just had the anonymous Fletch complaint line. I'm sorry. People have been messaging and asking how they can. Oh, the line's shut.

Also, we had to shut it down. We had to shut the line. We blew our budget when we made it. Free call. Oh, man. So many people just wanted to call up. But that was the, what are you shaking your head about? That was the anonymous. Just all this.

I don't like the attention. That's not. It wasn't so much of the fact that it made that, that was a moment of realisation for you. It was just that you didn't like the attention from it. Oh, yeah. It was like, oh, no, those people. All those people are wrong.

That's exactly, they are wrong. You're not allowed to hit any of them up because you said you recognised the voices. Oh, I recognised so many of them. I'm like, okay,

well, if that's how you're going to play, some of the very specific incidences. Interesting. Those are from people who had problems with you, but we've now got audio

from someone who loves you very much. I don't want soppy stuff. Who do you think you can identify? I don't know. Someone that loves you very you think you can identify? I don't know. Someone that loves you very much. They think you're pretty great.

Do they? Are you ready? Yes. Let's now hear from Major Murray Fluffington, your cat. What? Hello, Father. Thank you for being a friend. A lot has changed since I came into your life.

Like, I don't call you Daddy anymore. I've heard lots of other people call you that in my short life. So I think I'll stick with the more formal Father, because after they call you Daddy, we never see them again, and I want to hang around. It's your birthday, and the first of your birthdays I've been around for. I hope we can have some visitors that give me pats on my tummy. Not just ushered in and ushered straight back out of the flat after calling you Daddy.

Now, I had lots of ideas for presents in mind. Half a bird, a headless rat, some socks I found somewhere, but I'm not allowed to go out of the apartment. So, I don't know how I'm supposed to do any shopping. I tried online shopping, but I got so distracted by the mouse, I ended up chewing

the cord. My bad. Add it to my tab. If you have a cake, can I suggest a meat flavflavoured one covered in kitty biscuits, sprinkles? I love those. So, yeah, I've got to go lie in the sun, ignore you, lick my private parts,

and then attack some houseplants at random. So, um, have a great birthday. Buzzles and scratches. I love you sometimes. From your Puss Puss, Major Murray Flaffington. See, that was nice, wasn't it? That was. What a lovely message from a loved one.

If cats could talk. Yeah. Well, they can. They just did. Yeah, can't they? That was what that was. That was definitely the cat. In need of some therapy.

Yeah, that poor thing. Seen some things at such a young age. Wow. Haven't they? Well, happy birthday. Happy birthday. That wasn't as bad as you expected, eh? No.

You were expecting the worst from us. Megan was winding up something rotten before we made it. She was like, did we get legal? Did legal get signed off? We're just like, ah, nah, nah, nah. I did ask if we really thought this was a good idea. Propped it to the boss. Well, it's your birthday next.

Yeah, but that was cute. Remember? You laughed so much. Okay, we did laugh. We laughed, didn't we? We laughed. We laughed. Happy birthday.

Thanks, team. Thanks, guys. Next on the show, fact of the day. I can't believe my cat just talked to me. ZM's Fletch Warner Megan, the podcast. Tomorrow is Megan's birthday. She is currently blindfolded. You've been blindfolded for the last three minutes

during that song. With my headphones on. It's actually horrible. All my senses were taken away. I couldn't see or hear anything. All I could feel was occasional cold things of wind when someone maybe walked past me. Okay, are you ready for your birthday present?

ZM's Megan Fletcher-Vaughan. Yeah! No, I like that. There you go. That's just to butter you up, to be honest. Is that a permanent change? No. God, no. We have to change all the marketing.

Alright, I'll let them in. Okay. Now... You're not letting anything in. Oh my God, you got me an elephant. Okay. Hold out your hand for your prison. Hold out your hand for your prison. No.

Okay. Put your hand on the table just next to your computer for your prison. No way. Oh, my God. No, I don't want a... Put out your ring hand. I don't want a tralanchola. I said to you, I don't want a spider.

Are you giving me a spider? Hold out your hand. Hold out your hand. I really don't want to. Okay, that's it. I almost swore. It's not a spider. That was just warm with a banana peel.

Okay. What did it feel like, though? Kind of cold, actually. Yeah, it was weird. I would have got a feather. I said get a feather. No, this feels weird because it's all cold and like crummy, actually. Yeah, it was weird. I would have got a feather. I said get a feather. No, this feels weird because it's all cold and like crummy and stuff. Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, that's not your prison. We just wanted to mess with you. No, it's actually not a spot. Do I actually have to put out my hand? Now, I think at this stage, Megan can take your blindfold off. Uh-huh. Take your blindfold off. If I've smudged my mascara, you're in so much trouble.

Quickly. No, you're fine. Your mascara's fine. Now, what's that? Just describe behind you what you're looking at. You have, it looks like a present. It looks like a really large square present. Yes.

It is. That producer Jared is holding up. He is. Now, it's nicely wrapped. Jared, how long did that take you, Jared? At least an hour. Yeah, he wrapped that. Great wrapping. Great wrapping. You get's nicely wrapped. Jared, how long did that take you, Jared? At least an hour. Yeah, he wrapped that up. Great wrapping. You get a job

in the mall at Christmas. You've done well. To supplement your income. Now you are about to move. Yes. You and Mr Toyboy are moving into your first home. You guys are cool, but I don't want a portrait of you.

You two like a weird portrait a weird portrait That's very rude That's very rude That's pretty rude That's incredibly rude that we would be giving you a present And you're already not even knowing I mean it's a bit weird though When people come to your house and there's a portrait of you two Well I mean let's not judge before we've seen it.

We'd like you to now turn around, Megan. We'd like you to turn around now and open your present. Do I have to be gentle? No, just rip it open. Is it going to jump out at me? Who knows? Great wrapping. Oh, it's upside down!

Jared! Turn it the right way oh for crying god turn it around Megan would you like to explain Jared it is too big for Jared oh my god could you just explain to people

what are your prisoners so I was pretty on the money with my final guess Oh my God. Could you just explain to people what are your prisoners? So I was pretty on the money with my final guess. I've got a somewhat of a glam rocker shot of the two of you. Yes, on a sexy couch. On a sexy leather couch. You're twirling your hair, your long blonde mullet wig, and Vaughn's provocatively got his finger. In my mouth.

Yeah. On a beautiful leather couch. Yeah, we popped out and saw Peter photoshoot.co.nz Yeah, brilliant. He was fantastic. Had it all set up. He had a smoke machine. Yeah. And the lights from the top. That's a smoke machine. Jared, take off the wrapping on the

side. You're missing the smoke. I really appreciate that you guys dressed up for it. Yeah. That's really dressed up for Vaughn. We're double denims. That's not dressed up. It's literally what I wear every day with a denim jacket on the top. Also, that's a bit of a camel toe there, Vaughn, and a stain.

Is that a big stain on your pants? I don't know if that's a big stain on my pants. I don't know if that's a stain on your pants. But it looks lovely. It's a camel toe. I was actually I don't know if this pants something. Yeah, it's a stain on your pants, but looks lovely. It's a camel toe. I was actually really impressed at how my jeans fell on that. It makes it look like I'm packing. Oh, gross.

Yeah. And it's right in the middle of the picture. It's like your eyes are drawn to it. Yeah, we'll get that up on our Facebook page and Instagram. There's other options, too. We did a whole photo shoot. We're thinking there could be a calendar of us looking. Definitely could be. Glam rock. Have you got a Flames t-shirt on?

Yeah. It's a commitment from you. It really is. Yeah, you're welcome. I don't quite know where to put that in my house. Well, somewhere. I'll find a perfect spot. Not the garage.

I was thinking the foyer. Yeah. That's the first thing people see when they... Yes. Beautiful. Or maybe if it is the first thing people see when they... Yes. Beautiful. Or maybe if it is going to hang in the garage, when you drive into your garage, I want it to be like when you...

It's the first thing you see when the door goes up. So you're like, I just left them, but here I am. I'm home and they're here already. So it's a big glamour. Happy birthday, Megan. Thank you. For tomorrow. If you would like any sort of photos taken,

be them glamorous double denim 80s glam rock wigs with a smoke machine photos. Peter underscore at underscore photoshoot on Instagram or photoshoot.co.nz. Yeah. That might be the best you two have ever looked. When we were leaving, they were doing all the real estate people.

Yes. That's where they get their photos done. Yeah, they do. Pretty fancy. Really? Like athletes and stuff. Yeah. So, I mean, that's high quality, Megan.

You're welcome. Has your wife seen this? Yes. She requested a couple of prints. She was turned on. Vaughan's making pancakes. Vigorously shaking pancake mix. Behind the scenes.

It's executive intern Anya's birthday today. So as a birthday present, we are calling her executive producer Anya. Anna. Real title. Anna, her actual name. Real title and real name. It's Megan's fault your name's Anya. Thanks, Megan. Because Vaughan always goes on about how he knows everyone's name. And I said, no, you don't. Her name's actually Anya. Ha ha ha. And then when he found out it was a big joke, he said, stuff ya, I'm keeping it. I'm keeping it. And it got kept. Sorry. Yeah, four years later, aren't you?

So 24 today? Yeah. Wow. Who else is having a birthday today? Rebel Sport. Rebel Sport. You were so excited in the group chat last night when you sent that message. You were like, oh my god guys, guess what? It's Rebel Sport's birthday tomorrow. They're 24, like me. Isn't that insane that when you

were born, they were starting retail stores? It's so exciting. I've never had a birthday twin before, but thank you Rebel Sport. Because most people are like, oh my god, Rihanna's got the same birthday as me. You're like... Yeah. That's me. You do have Rihanna as your birthday. And Kurt Cobain. I've got

lots of people on the 20th of February. Do you not know any celebrities this year your birthday? No. Just Rebel Sport. A retail celebrity. Yeah. We can look this up. Surely there's got to be some. Maybe Halle Berry, I want to say.

Oh, that's not a bad. Okay. I've clicked on the wrong thing. It's Filet Mignon Day today. Oh, fantastic. A cut of meat that is the very definition of luxury and decadence. No, I clicked on the wrong one. That didn't tell me celebrities' birthdays at all. That was days of the year. A cut of meat that is the very definition of luxury and decadence. No, I clicked on the wrong one.

That didn't tell me celebrities' birthdays at all. That was days of the year. But it is Rebel Sports' 24th birthday as well, and you were so jazzed about it that I decided to make the two come together. What? How? What is happening? How?

This is how. Anna's one-day 24th birthday is on now. She'll probably head to Super 8 Newmarket with just $24 in her account. She can barely fill up that crappy Hyundai for $24. A second-hand pair of PE Nation leggings are hers for $24. Luckily, this box of Pals is now just $24. And she's going to get Bun Bun buns to spend $24 on wicked wings for her at KFC hungover tomorrow.

Plus, being a radio producer, there's no way she'll be able to afford a house in Auckland for the next 24 years either, even if she lives with her parents. No one's got more birthday than Anna's birthday. Discounts off the white sticker price. This is what they do at the end of an ad to make me do the T's and C's and make sure we don't get in trouble with the law.

Happy birthday, Anna. Great. Thank you, guys. A true birthday gift. And happy birthday, Rebel Sports. Who can't even be open to celebrate their birthday? Click and collect, surely. I don't know if that's an option.

Yeah, happy birthday to you and happy birthday to Rebel Sport. Thank you. Now let's get some pancakes on this panini for us. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, why not give ZM's free and clean to listen to? Subscribe on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your

podcasts. Head music lives here. ZM.