ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Best Of 2019 Podcast - Dirty Break

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

The best Dirty Breaks of 2019.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm like, oh! ZM! ZM's Fleshborn American, the dirtiest podcast. Dirty break. It's almost like just a little warning. We can get away with things earlier in the show. Yeah. Then we can later when Kitties are, yeah.

You don't want to have to explain things, do you? So yesterday I opened up the gram. Okay. And in the top right-hand corner, it said I had mail. So I click on mail. Okay. And there was a message in there, a direct message, a DM. Okay.

But it was pretty standard. But then I see up in the top right-hand corner of that page, it says I have requests. Now that's, I believe, when you get a message from someone that you are otherwise not connected with. Yeah, they're not your friends, so they can't just slide straight into the DMs. Yeah. They've got to be filtered. Yeah, and I go into there and there's a message, so I click on it and then it pops up on the screen saying this, you don't know this person. So the message they're sending, this image is blurred to protect you from unwanted content.

Uh-oh. I'm always like, oh, do I tap it? This is just what happens when anyone you're not friends with who has to request to send you a message sends you anything. This could be a screenshot. It could be a picture of a cat. It could be a picture of a cat. It could be a picture of their food. It could be a lovely vista of somewhere they're at. I'm guessing you've requested the Dirty Break intro,

not for a picture of a cat. And it said, you are such a daddy. Now, I'm away at the moment, but my initial thought was, I am a father. I've got two daughters. You are a daddy. My absolute favorites. I am a daddy. So I'm like, maybe this is some dad-related content.

Okay. Oh, my God. So I'm like, great, this is going to be good. And I click on it, and I guess it is dad related because dads have penises and it was my first dick pic I don't know what to do now Do you reply?

You clicked on the image and unblood it. I clicked on it and it unblood but I didn't accept because then you can go allow or decline the message. Oh okay okay, right. So I declined the message. Was it a... Does that show them that I have seen

their leaders? No, I don't think so. Was it out of 10? Was it a good one? I don't know what makes it good. I've only really had in-depth experience with my own. Right. Show Megan. She'll give it an out of 10. Can you show me?

It made me feel better about my own, to be honest. Oh, hold on. Where about? Hold on, I've got to hold that in the camera because I'm not in the same studio. Hold on, I've got to see where about. There it is.

And... I feel like it's too early. Well, it's five o'clock somewhere. Luckily, we're on radio. How are we concerned about the colour? What's wrong with the colour? What do you mean? It's hard to see on the monitor.

Oh, yeah, right. Do you want me to send this to your fletch? No, no, it's fine. You can see it on your own screen. It's fine. No, it's fine. Is it? It's quite red.

That's why it's your concern. I've identified something in this picture that I guess I've questioned myself. Right. But I've never really asked. When you trim or shave your pubes. Yeah. Or like wax, but on guys, the hair continues down the leg. Yeah.

Where do you stop? What's the deal there? Do you give yourself a fresh fade or? Yeah, you've got to fresh fade it in, don't you? You do have to fade it in because you can't make an abrupt stop. Yeah. And then if you're shaving and you actually just start shaving down the leg, where do you stop down there?

You can just like trim and then ease off the trimming. Trim there, so like a fade. That's effectively like a fade. Fade from nothing to something or something to nothing. Well, there you go. If you're going to send Vaughn a DP. No, no, no. That was enough.

Well, just expect a brutal on-air rating of it. Really. No, no. I don't want, don't even encourage that. I just checked to make sure it wasn't like a show DP.

I didn't get it. You didn't get it? Nah. I don't want to sound sad or happy about that. Or that you've missed out on something. But I've seen it now, so that's okay. And I don't want to sound sad or happy about that. Or that you've missed out on something. But I've seen it now, so that's okay. And I don't want to be rude, but maybe if they're sending it to me,

they're not like, you're not what they're after. Because you're not a daddy. That's fair enough. You're not a daddy. They might be very daddy specific. Fine. I don't know. But that's a term that's not in reference to me being a father.

You can be daddy without being a father. Yeah, that's correct, Vaughn. All right. It's interesting, but confusing. So I've got a little something, a little tidbit that can help you in the bedroom. Okay? Vaughn. Is it those Velcro things that hold... I mean, Fweetch doesn't

need any help. Is it those Velcro things that hold the curtains together so the light doesn't come in when you try to have a sleep in? Sure. Velcro? You put a little Velcro dot on the back of the curtains and it goes... and it holds them together. Oh, so no light comes in. Yeah. It's a good idea. As you know, I don't like any light coming in. Nah, I mean,

well, bedroomers and like sexy stuff. Okay. Oh, don't just limit yourself to the bedroom. Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, well, bedroom is in like sexy stuff. Okay. Oh, don't just limit yourself to the bedroom. Yeah, okay. Well, I just know that you tend to... God, I'm not sitting on your couch when I come over then.

No, you know he likes the comfort of his own bed. Yes, yes, I do. Likes to be comfy when he's doing it. On the rare occasion, I like to be comfortable. Okay.

So, if you're looking to spice up your sex life, then scent is something you should look into because there's been a German study. Research has measured... I don't know if we should trust the Germans when it comes to sex. Why? They do wee-wees on each other. I don't know if you can just say that they all do that.

No. It's a big German thing, isn't it? And how do you know that? I don't know. It is weird say that they all do that. No. It's a big German thing, isn't it? And how do you know that? I don't know. It is weird that I've just been pinned with that. There must have been some high profile situations. So the German study has found that they use sniffing sticks and strong senses of smell. And people who have a strong sense of smell have more orgasms.

More or better? I've said it now. More. Because sometimes more isn't better. If you're blocked up, you're not going to have as... So just before you start having sex, put some Vicks Vapor Rub under your nose. I mean, like for females,

there's lots of females who don't experience as many as others. Right. Are you right? Sorry, my voice is... And then it might be something to do with your sense of smell. Then they were like, okay, given that, let's see if you can increase the quality by using smell. And apparently there is a relationship between good sex and scent. Well, you'd think it's a sensory experience.

Sex. Yeah, touch. Touch. What are the other senses? See, like vision, like seeing things. Like locking the eyes. You just want to see something that you like, don't you? Yeah.

Oh. And then there's feel, taste. Yep. Yep. Yep. But no, but like if you're kissing someone and their mouth

tastes like socks, then you're not going to be into that. That's going to be non-arousal. Yeah. Yeah. If you're not

into poor moles, maybe poor moles are your thing. Maybe it gets you going. What's the other one? Hearing. You want to hear that you're doing okay.

A little bit of feedback. Yeah. A little bit of, oh dear me, that's nice. When they say smell, do they mean you should be wearing a good cologne or something? Well, you'd think so, but I'll get to that in a second.

Why not? Because whenever we talk about smells, it's always like pheromones and musky sweatiness. So specifically for females, they have found that the smell of cherries, barbecued meat... Yes, girl. Let's get it.

And men's cologne all inhibit female sexual arousal. So you're barbecuing your way out of the bedroom daily. I thought you were going to say it was good. Cherries. I don't know why. That's just one of the ones that don't smell good. Really? Okay.

But donuts, black licorice, and pumpkin pie. Oh, no. Donuts. I thought these were in the wrong way. All great smells. Yeah. Licorice is yuck. And, of course, the smell of chocolate.

So, like, the taste of chocolate brings happiness, but apparently even the smell of chocolate can bring happiness and help enhance. Should you have a little, like, bowl of coffee beans before just so that you can clear your palate? You know, like, when you go at it duty-free and you're trying on all the different sprays? You just have coffee beans at the door.

Smell this and then you have a little ramekin of coffee beans. A little ramekin, yes. And then you're like, now sniff these donuts. Okay, let's go. Let's get it on. Okay. Yeah, so you go. Let's get it on. Okay. Yeah. So you do have to be very-

So if you were going to take one condiment into the bidet, where it would be chocolate sauce for the taste and for the smell. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. For the sexy time activities. A good chocolate though. Yeah.

Like melt down a bar of Whittaker's. No, because it's hot. Oh, right. Okay, right. Yeah. You don't want to burn anybody. I was thinking that choc whip right. Okay, right. Yeah. You don't want to burn anybody. I was thinking that choc whip stuff.

Oh, okay, yeah. If you are going for a cologne, they say musky ones are the best. There you go. I got sent one. You know that Joe Malone, we talked about Joe Malone

and how that card came and I thought someone stole it and so they sent the card and not the perfume. There was a bit of confusion. An error. They sent me the perfume and I took it home

and I sprayed it and it immediately took me back to Catholic Church. Like our Catholic Church growing up was always, someone had never opened a window, it always smelled really like musty and musty. Right, I don't know if that's kind of... And leather and wood and

brass. I immediately smelled it and I was like, huh. I don't know when they anticipated this free publicity when they sent you this perfume, Vaughn, if that's what they wanted. They got the name dropped in there sometimes. Right. But I don't think they're going for a musty church.

That was just me. I kind of liked it but it was associated with being bored out of my mind for like an hour at a time every Sunday as a kid. It's not called like prayer or choir boy or anything like that, is it? No, that's bad marketing. You've got a real musky. You certainly wouldn't

call it Catholic stink. You've got a musky collection because that other one smells like a musky Prius, a taxi or an Uber. It does smell like a car that has windows that don't get turned down

too often, yes. But I like the musky smells. No, I'm more of a fruity. You are a bit more fruity. You love a fruity stank. It's better than a musky prayer, isn't it? A woman has discovered that she now has 15 siblings that she didn't know she had.

This is going to make Christmas very expensive. That's more than a second family. Like, what has dad been doing? Well, dad has been masturbating a lot. What into? What do you call it? Like a little tube. Oh, okay.

So legitimately he's not just... No, so she is a Chicago woman. She's a twin. So her dad is a sperm donor and she's known that for a long time. Yeah. But his sperm, like, created twins. So her mum was a divorcee who was single. She got to an age where she was like, look, I'm just going to...

Have a kid. Have a kid by a sperm donor. Okay. And then she passed away when they were both 16. So they were like, okay, we need to find out more about our dad. And so they did an ancestry test and found out that they have 15 half-siblings. But that's also just the 15 half-siblings that had also done Ancestry.com or whatever, right? Well, because there's a whole lot.

There's 23andMe is a big one. And that's like an open source one. That's how they found the Golden State Killer. Oh, right. Through someone he knew uploaded their DNA to 23andMe. I didn't think about that. So that's only people that have done it. That's only the people who have registered their DNA.

And this guy, so they haven't met their father yet, but he's 80. Still going. Still going. Still going. So, I mean, over his lifetime, he's obviously been donating his sperm. There could be a bunch of other siblings at this point. But given that she's not had much of a family, she's a new dad, her mum died young. She's like now suddenly have like this whole kind of extended family,

except they're all different. Like they're not all intertwined as one family. Well, they don't know. She's got 15 half siblings. Yeah, right. And they probably don't know each other. Yeah. Or of each other, which would be,

you don't want to accidentally hook up with your sister or your brother, do you? It's best to be avoided. Your half sister or something accidentally. That's true. Like. And they'll all be... But stepsister and stepbrother are okay. I don't...

I mean... I mean... Frowned upon? Like ethically... Question mark. But the law says A-okay. They're absolutely fine. Which is, yeah, but...

So, because in America you get paid, is that correct? You get paid to be a donor? If what you've got is in shortage. But then surely there has to be a limit on it. Well, no, you go in and you obviously do the test or whatever and you've got a low BMI, you've got blonde hair, blue eyes. I thought you'd be a middle-aged white man. I was like, well, there's bound to be lots of those.

There's lots of them. But more specific things. Right. Like athletic. Yeah, no family history of health issues. Right. Yeah. But then it gets out of control and you have 15 half-sisters.

Do they have to disperse his sperm? Because otherwise Michigan just has like a whole bunch of his babies. Do you know what I mean? And you could legitimately just hook up with your half-father. Oh, you're saying geographically they should send them around. Yeah. Because you're not to know. Because if you're going to live in Chicago

and never move to LA, you know, they could send it down there and... They might be like, oh my gosh, I was from a sperm donor too. And you're like, me too. And then you bond and then you get married and whoops the days. And he's like, that's not your fault too And then you bond And then you like Get married And whoops a day So he's like That's not your fault

And then you Yeah you've got a Huh Yeah Okay You know Because I recently heard That you know how

There's this big thing that All these people in Asia Have a direct line To Genghis Khan Yeah And I was like How is that possible Because he is

He is but one man But he was... We've all eaten at that Mongolian restaurant. And everybody takes on some DNA of the Mongolian warlord if you eat at the Mongolian barbecue. So apparently he... Because I was just thinking, how many wives did he have? But apparently he just had concubines and wives

and he would just sleep with all of them in the aim of getting them pregnant. So none of them were like full brothers and sisters, but all were descendants of Genghis Khan. And then they went out and populated and populated and populated. So, you know, when most of us stick to one, two or three partners to have offspring with throughout our lives, that was kind of his average Friday night. Sounds exhausting to me. Yeah, but it's

very cold in Mongolia. True. In the yurts. And he's always full of barbecue. Which is love making food. What? I think that was the last thing I'd want to do is make love after a giant Mongolian buffet. Yeah. Although they didn't do buffets back then, did they?

No, they cooked it in the shield. Oh, so Margoly and Wok could be used as a shield in battle. They'd put it over fire and cook all the food in there. You wouldn't want to be halfway through dinner and the war siren sounds. I know, you've got to be. You'd tip it on your head. Yeah, you've got to put the leather straps back in and you're like, it's so hot. And sticky.

This is great for you, Vaughan. This is what you need on Valentine's Day. There is a new thing called Love Sync. It is a button, technically. So you can, well, you have a button on each side of the bed. Okay. Is it just like a game show buzzer? It kind of looks like it.

So it's silver on the outside. It's like a black button on the inside. But between the silver and the black, it has like a green ring. Oh, okay. That lights up. Sounds like one of those Amazon. Yeah, it looks like an Echo. Alexa, yeah.

Yeah. So you won't have to deal with the rejection of trying to initiate sex between you and your partner. Because what you do is, well, you have these buttons on each side of the bed. You can tap it if you're feeling like it. Yeah. If you're feeling like it.

Okay. And then if nothing happens, if it's just you tapping it, but then if they tap it. So it's like Tinder in the bedroom, right? Like I'm keen, but if she's not keen, nothing happens. Yeah. But if she's also keen and presses a button, what it lights up. Then you've got a match kind of and they both, the green ring glows. See, I don't need this because I just ask every night.

Maybe you should tone down the asking and I don't know. Have you tried some like nice kisses or something? Or a back massage? Yeah, I've tried that. Okay. You've tried the massage? Yeah. I've tried. massage? Yeah, I've tried that. Okay. You've tried the massage? Yeah. I've tried...

Yeah, I've tried it all, guys. It's not my first rodeo. So you just straight up ask now and it's just like, no. Well, you just cut it all out. But is this where we're at as humans? We don't ask our partner or initiate. We just press a button. It does squash a bit of romance.

Yeah. How do you ask? No, but that's kind of like cute. Yeah. Oh, you mean the asking. Yeah. Like, hey, excuse me. Could you put down your phone for a minute?

I would like to make love. Or something like that. You just leave a brick on your button, eh? Oh, I just lock it on. I just, there would have to be like a permanent lock on option for the button, right? It's like how long between presses does it like turn off? Oh, I see. Because you have to just constantly press.

Like a reset. Do I press it today? Have I pressed it in the last hour? You should be able to just hold it down for five seconds and it will just literally stay on. There's still like the awkwardness though. Like if you're, they both light up, up, then what are you supposed to say? Like, I see you've pushed your button. Probably cry a little bit.

With excitement, joy. This is good stuff. This is going to happen. But then what if you press it in the morning and then at night they press it, but you're not in the mood anymore? I know. Well, that's the thing. It must have like a turn off.

It must only stay pushed for a certain amount of time. Like an hour or so. Right. So within that hour window, you're like, yes. I think this would be better on your phone as an app. Yeah, right. And you pick the person that you're in a relationship with. And then...

Come on. This is your business. Surely this exists. It must exist. Every app idea I've ever had already exists. And you just, like, lock it in and then if they open the app, you know, this is just brainstorming.

Or it could be an app that all your booty calls like sign up to. Yeah. And then or just like an extension of Tinder and then you just put a, you press your love button. Yeah. And then if anyone else presses the love button, they're like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. But what if it's one you didn't really want?

I think I've just described Tinder really. Yeah, but like. Yeah, true. And also the fact it's not really the one you wanted. You were just kind of like thought you were't really want. I think I've just described Tinder, really. Yeah, but like, yeah, true. And also the fact it's not really the one you wanted. You were just kind of like, thought you were keen for everybody, but yeah, one person of mine

and they're not pushing the button and then you're like, fourth choice, what's the button? And you're like, not so much. And once you've got a match, you've got to follow through, right?

And then there's a lot of admin. Is this person's coming over for the booty call going to be worth the admin or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? That's a gross insight into your mind a bit.

Oh, there's certainly... Is it worth asking tonight or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? Oh my God. 100%. What's the admin going to be involved? Five minute background

or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? Really having to put the hard yards in. Okay. Can I just say, just for the IT department and any management listening, right now I did try to click on this report, which took me to a filthy website. All right.

Which I was blocked from. Oh, really? But I was actually going to the press release section of this. They do wonderful press releases. They do, which I think is where you've got these stats from, Megan. Yes. So, yeah, you can't look up Pornhub on our work Wi-Fi. But they have got really some wonderful stats

from International Women's Day, which was on Friday. So they have looked at the findings about what women seek out. Now, judging by the women we work with, you're all like, ooh, never do this, never done it. No, you're paraphrasing. Am I? That's not what we said. Caitlin?

We said. Well, I've got a boyfriend now. Yeah. But what about when you didn't? I don't want to talk about it. It doesn't need to be a taboo subject. I know, but I just can't be bothered with you guys. Yes.

So, yeah. Ragging us out. I know, but I just can't be bothered with you guys bragging us out. I think that would be very rich if we were to bag you out. I've heard all your stories. Oh, whoa, whoa. We're just not as forthright. Or like eager. Especially the two guys I work with.

But you say the absolute horny. You say this, but these stats that have been released for International Women's Day. I mean, it doesn't say how often. Last year for International Women's Day, Pornhub released stats saying that more females than men

go to their site on mobile phones. Stats. Yeah, on mobile phones. That just means that dudes are doing it on their laptop. Laptops. Well, we've got to sit down. We're going to pull the curtains. We're going to...

Light a candle. Make it a little bit romantic. Yes, in a coria. Light in a coria. Make sure no one's home. Lock the door. You give yourself more foreplay than you do. 100%.

I deserve it. I get up early. I work hard. But you guys can just pretty much do it on the roll, on the run, on the go. So, yeah, this is the most viewed category. They've broken it down the whole world, so different countries.

I'm not very good at geography, but I can tell you. And this is what women were searching by their country. Yeah, lucky the top search is something I can actually say on the radio. Okay. Because there's lots of different categories. Which radio though? Because there's Radio Rima and stuff.

I'd go on record saying I think Christian broadcasters would be talking about Pornhub survey results. Okay. So this category. I think it might even be pushing the boat out to assume any other radio station would be talking about this. So this category across North America, South America, most of Europe, Australia and New Zealand was the most popular. Okay. For women.

Yeah. It was lesbian. Yes, good choice. I'll commend you on your choice there, ladies. Well done. It doesn't explain why, obviously, they didn't go into that. And it's broken down different parts of the world.

Why do you think that is, Megan? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I honestly don't know. Curiosity? Nah, I don't... Help. Caitlin? Caitlin, aren't you? I honestly don't know either. I can't tell you. I couldn't tell you Caitlin, aren't you? I I honestly

I don't know either I can't tell you I couldn't tell you Because if that's the case Why aren't there more lesbians? No, I I honestly don't have the answer for you I've got an idea

Okay, here we go Here we go Finally Finally Back from two days sick leave With some insight Two days sick leave She's insight. Two days sick leave. She's been busy.

Yes, she's been stuck in bed. But is it because, like, sometimes you're hetero? Yeah. Can be quite targeted for deuce. That's actually a very, very good point. That's actually a very good point. The heterosexual porn's more made with the male audience in mind

whereas lesbian porn is you're actually yeah which is also made for males but maybe

there'd be a good observation that's why they're saying guys who like young guys who are watching it are getting the wrong

idea about like what a woman yeah because it's not targeted to what women would actually generally I'm watching it, I'm getting the wrong idea about like what a woman, yeah. Yeah. Because it's not targeted to what women would actually generally enjoy. But there's even a, I'm told. Yeah. You're told.

That there's a category now that is more realistic in the. What's the category called? I can't remember what it was. I read an article about it. I'm pretty sure this was Pornhub's... What? Don't worry. One of their last press releases.

Right. Oh, flustered. I just feel like I'm going to have some real questions to answer at church this weekend. Porn, we heard the porn break. Really? Oh, heavens. Yes, I didn't know what they were talking about.

Father. They released it saying that there's been this uptake in more realistic, just pretty much. Right. Not like upside down, hanging off the ceiling fan, smashing each other with... Like your Mills and Boone kind of... Yeah, but even that's fairly unrealistic.

Like you don't see a dude with long hair anymore and think he's sexy. Like, that's pretty much Mills and Boone, bread and butter, isn't it? Some Fabio type. These stats are quite in-depth. It's broken down North America and by state, what they are searching. Can't read most of those out. And then broken

down for women between different age groups, what they are like. Now, this would be people with memberships because how else would they know? I mean they know. They definitely know.

They know don't they? They just know. For like Facebook knows and everything knows and advertises to you. Yeah. So they know. Just 65 plus

blew my mind a little bit. What are they into? You can't just leave us hanging. What are they into? Oh no just sick no. They're not. They're looking outside of their What are they into? You can't just leave us hanging. What are they into? Oh, no, just... Sick, no. They're not. They're looking outside of their...

No, I can't. Show me. I'm going to come around and read it. Oh. Maracas? Playing the Maracas, Megan? I don't know. Keep going.

This is a terrible game of charades. Bang on there, Vaughn. Playing the Maracas. Right. Wow. Wow. Geez, someone needs to go round to their grandparents and check the internet history. Or put on a net nanny. This is just people who are living with their grandparents

to save on, surely. I don't know. There is a survey done by Skin, which is the condom company. They have surveyed a bunch of people. They're the ones that say that they are thin, right? Thin condoms. I don't know who's right.

Do they not do an extra thickie? Nah. Oh, okay. What do they do an extra thickie for? They don't do a rubber glove finger. It's apparently thin. But then I'm like, no, you don't want that. But then they say thin but very strong.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, they have done a survey onto what people like in the bedroom. Different things. And they've broken it down into star sign trends. But this is so weird. I don't believe this nonsense that you can broadly speculate

that everybody born within a one-month period has the same stuff going on. If you do a survey and all these people that were born on your birthday are into this one thing, isn't that somewhat of a trend or somewhat of a... Anomaly. See, I'd rather... An anomaly. So I'd rather believe that stat than the made-up star signs in the paper.

Okay. But sure. Yeah. Well, yeah. See, I reckon I could do that. I could go home from work, I could sit down, have me lunch, and write out star signs. That's what they do.

I know, but why am I not doing it and making some sweet money? Do you remember back in the early 2000s when there was 0900 numbers, which was when you called them for a variety of services, but they always charged. There was one and it was like, Pisces, today's a day that's going to either go very badly or somewhat okay. To find out more, call 0900-STARSOM.

And it was like $8 a minute or something and people would be like, I need this advice in my life. Beep, beep, beep. Oh, $8 well spent. Probably more because it was like $8 a minute or something, and people would be like, I need this advice in my life. Beep, beep, beep. Oh, $8 well spent. Probably more because it was per minute, and it went on for a couple of minutes. Yeah.

Think about that good little kachunga, good little sign in it. Okay. I'm going to start an Instagram account, and all it does is star signs. I'm pretty sure that's been done. I'm not going to read it. does is star signs. I'm pretty sure that's been done. I'm not going to read it. New Zealand star signs.

And then every now and then, obviously, I'll be doing paid promotion. Oh, you're right, to make some money. Yeah. Great idea. No, but I think you can totally break down people's personality traits by these. Okay, we'll hit us with something. By the way, producers, what are your star signs? What are you, James?

What are you, a Virgo James? I'm a Virgo, yep. Oh, we picked you like a dirty nose. Caitlin, you're a Leo, aren't you? Yeah, I am. Same as me. Where's Anya? Is she just...

Not sure. Oh, what a classic Gemini. Is she a Gemini? I don't know. Who's made it up? Like the rest of these nonsense. Okay, so we'll start with... What was James? Virgo. Shib Jim and I I don't know Who's made it up Like the rest of this nonsense Okay So We'll start with

What was James? Virgo Okay we'll start with Scorpio The Virgin Because it's none of us Okay So these are Star signed

Based sex trends Okay For Scorpions It just says Most likely to Please don't ask for An explanation Okay

Because I don't have one Okay Scorpios are most likely to use restraints. I thought you I thought that when you said please don't ask for an explanation, I don't have one, was what the Scorpio is known for. Oh, no, no, no. I need you to put this.

Okay. Please don't ask why. No explanations, just please do it. Okay. For Taurus, 28% of Taurians fake orgasms. Yeah, but there needs to be people fake orgasms. It's not just people born in April, is it? This is like the trend for each. So out of all of them, most Taurians are most likely.

Most Taurians are most likely to do it. Yeah. Aries. We haven't got any Aries in here. All right, thanks. Aries. We haven't got any Aries, eh, in here? Right, thanks. Aries last the longest during sex. Wait, what's my husband? What's Mr. Toyboy?

No, he's Aquarius. Yeah, he is Aquarius. He is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. What's his one? Actually, I don't want, actually I don't want to I don't want to say because it's filthy And I'm imagining it's exactly right

Is it true? Um, everyone else should maybe No, let's move on Don't look what's Aquarius Because I'm Aquarius Pisces Cuff So I need to know both options to pick my favourite Oh, you are not I don't want to read thisuff, so I need to know both options to pick my favourite. Oh, you are not.

I don't want to read this out. It's not related to us. Okay? Okay, go read it out. Most likely to have tried. Can I say? No. It's a Brianna song.

No. Umbrella. Ponder Replay. Oh, yes. Most likely to have tried. Ponder Replay Oh yes My left leg Ponder Replay Now if you didn't know Exactly what that is Kids ask mum and dad

Do you know I actually got hit up Last week by a father Who Are you guys listening Yeah Yeah just looking at sexy stuff I got hit up

Yes Dan M Oh right Yeah That song goes nothing like that That's fine no I got hit up by a father In fact this has happened to me twice In the last couple of weeks

They're like Now just after six o'clock You often do this break You call it the dirty break Yeah Now that's when I'm taking my kids To swimming practice Or that's when we're off

To hockey practice Oh Okay so yeah So yeah I don't know That's I mean I didn't care I was like

Ah funny But I don't know what your take didn't care I was like Funny But I don't know What your take is But maybe we should Rethink this Yeah No but go on

What are the other ones The whole Yep go on Sagittarius Most likely to use Combines Now they make Wee books don't they

Sagittarium Yeah I'll let that dad joke go Because that was Pretty good That was good They make me Love them They do And they're very Conservative religious As well I'll let that dad joke go because that was pretty good that was good that made me they do

and they're very conservative religious as well Sagittarius we picked okay oh shit where are we up to

because I want to leave our ones till last okay I don't know where we're up to Virgo underreported the number

of sexual partners. Oh, that's James. That's James. Okay. Have you ever done that? Have you lied about that? Have you lied about that?

No, I don't think I, actually, I've probably never really been asked. It's one of those things. Oh, now's not the time to say it's on the way to hockey practice.

Yeah, yeah. Capricorn, are the most confident in bed, apparently. Are we getting down to... I think that's my dad. He does strike me as a confident lover. He's a very confident lover. That's what he's doing.

Pisces. Is this you, Vaughn? Yep, and my mum. Just to give us the other half of my parental situation. I don't think it's you, but it could be your mum. Oh, I guess. 30% have had open relationships. Oh, nah, neither of us.

They're not into the Kirtahi Swingers Association? No, we're not into the admin side of things. Right. Yeah, right. Okay. Leo, that's Caitlin and I. Most likely to sext. Ooh.

Oh. You know that's true for me. Now that you've got a boyfriend. I do have a boyfriend. Do you ever flick him a dirty message? No. I haven't. With him.

With him. Don't say that. Don't say that. Don't say that. What are you doing? We see each other a lot, so we don't need to. No, maybe you show me those pictures you sent him.

Oh, was it him? Caitlin! Wasn't him. That was another. No, that was, wasn't it? Previous. Previously. Hey, now.

We've only been going out for a few months. Who's that? Sorry. I really thought it was him. Where are we up to? Moving on quickly. Pisces, we've done. We've done Pisces.

Gemini, did we do that? Yes. I'm leaving Fletch till last. I think we've covered everyone. I think I just go to Fletch's. Oh, no. What are you? Cancer.

You are Cancer, but you are a Libra cusp. Gemini. Isn't that on the cusp? I don't know. I don't know. Or Libra, masturb. Gemini. Isn't that on the cusp? I don't know. I don't know. Or Libra, masturbate the most.

Definitely not me. Cancer, which is flesh. Wow, you just went out there and said that, Megan. Wow. I'm sorry. I've lost what's acceptable

and what's not. Cancer, I'm most likely to cry during or after sex. Definitely not true. We can safely say this is all made up, rubbish. Yes, we can. There is a new range.

This has just gone out of control. A new range of feminine hygiene products. Okay. And I mean, this has been happening for a long time, but the company, Vagisil, which I think we're all familiar with. Oh, yeah. Okay.

They have launched a new range of sensitive scents, V-friendly bath bombs. They say they are the first scented bath product specifically formulated for women's bits and pieces. So, basically... So, how's it different than a normal bath bomb? Well, I mean, you're not putting the whole bomb... You don't have to put the... No.

No, no, no, no, no. You're not putting the bomb. But... I couldn't fit a whole bomb in it. It would need to be more of a bullet than a bomb. If you'd still want to compare it to weapons. Right. What?

What if you had... If you were... Oh, I was just translating too. If you were Vornessa. Yeah, yeah. Right. Wow, it's debatable, isn't it? Yeah, if I was Vornessa, I don't know exactly what state I'd be in.

I was just referring to if I made the straight comparison to my... Yeah, there's a whole range of things that can soothe, freshen and keep everything happy. And they've even got a menopause range coming out. But you said this is a public service announcement. People are using these wrong. So a bath bomb, you put in the bath, right? Yeah, obviously. And it dissolves.

So the gynecological cancer research charity the chief executive of that has said hey just be a little bit careful she has voiced concern that these products risk masking symptoms such as itching and other

issues you might have down there and it can also irritate as well. So she would like to tell people that you shouldn't, just read the instructions. Put them in the bath, not. Yeah. I cannot believe that needs to be a thing that's said. This is obviously a bit of a problem for someone to come out and say that.

So Vagisil never said to do that with them. They just said pop them in the bath. But people are like, well, I've had previous Vagisil products and it is required. Does Vagisil ever, excuse my ignorance on the whole thing, but there's never any need for internal administration.

So you're supposed to wash it outside like everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're supposed to like wash it outside like everything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have had to say cleaning inside increases your risk of infections and is actually

not necessary. There's a lot of good bacteria which you're getting rid of. Please don't do it. It's like a yoghurt. Like a probiotic yoghurt. There's good bacteria in there. It's good.

This is why we need to talk about this stuff at school in health class, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people are going out there in the real world and they're doing this sort of thing. Oh, God. Thinking that it will smell delightful.

Slight change of subject. Okay. I just said probiotic, like the good stuff. Have you guys heard of prebiotic? Pro, I don't know what the difference is. Neither. I just saw it advertised. I was like, is this just another fad? You take that before you're pro. You heard of prebiotic? Pro, I don't know what the difference is. Neither. I just saw it advertised. I was like, is this just another fad?

You take that before you're pro. You take some prebiotic and then probiotic. You take that before you take antibiotics. And then you take probiotics while you're taking antibiotics. No, but sometimes you can't take probiotics. Can you? I don't know. Prebiotics are compounds in food that induce the growth

or activity of beneficial microorganisms. The most common example in the gastrointestinal tract where prebiotics can alter the composition of organisms is the gut. But what's a probiotic? Yeah, that's what I thought it was. And then, like, have you ever seen them at the pharmacy or the supermarket? There's ones with, like, a million, and then there's some with, like, 45 million, and then there's some with, like, 75 million. What ones do you want? I obviously want 75 million

good bacterias, don't I? Or do I not? It's very confusing. So are they alive in those little capsule thingies? Again, I don't know. I feel like it. Because then there's the ones in the fridge. Yes. That they have in the fridge and they're like, you've got to keep these in the fridge.

Those little blue ones. Your coulters. No. That's a drink. That's a fridge. Yes. That they have in the fridge and they're like, you've got to keep these in the fridge. Those little blue ones. What are those? Your coulters. No. That's a drink. That's a drink. Yeah. It's one of the little capsules. Oh, you're just talking about capsules because your coulter's got heaps of them.

But they're little, but don't be fooled. Drink too many of those, you'll shit yourself. So prebiotics are a special form of fiber. Think of them as the fertilizer for good bacteria. Right. Whereas probiotics are live bacteria. Right. Yes.

This whole break has been like one of those Better Living ads, like one of those pharmacy ads. It's linked so much. Stuart Jobson would have it wrapped up like this. She'd just be like, probiotics, fertilizer for the probiotics, bacteria. Buy your capsules today. Easy.

But then she's reading a script. We're literally making this up as we go. This is true. I'm about to do some toilet chat. However, there is a serious message at the end of this. So a woman in China, she had, for more than two weeks, she was constipated, very uncomfortable. And this is a report from her son.

So she went to the bathroom and she strained so hard that when she was done in the bathroom, she'd lost 10 years worth of memories. I thought you were going to say she'd lost 10 kgs. No. I was like, that's the drain. So her family were talking to her afterwards and realised that she had no idea about the past 10 years.

So they went to hospital and after a certain amount of time, she had no idea about the past 10 years. So they went to hospital and after a certain amount of time, she had normal brain function again. So they're like, well, there's nothing wrong with you. However, a doctor has explained that the condition is actually a thing. So if you strain too hard, this is for people who, I don't know how this works for people who are highly emotional, but people who are highly emotional or frequently carry heavy objects or strain, you can, it's the jugular vein that takes oxygen to your brain. It can affect blood flow and oxygen and it compromises your memory.

So it's known as transient global amnesia. And it is only temporary. And it's because you strain too hard on the toilet. It affects your jugular. So the vein in your neck. Get some more vegetables and fruit in your diet. Not enough fibre. So anything that's making you go...

And when you like strain, like carrying something, it can affect your jugular and the blood flow and oxygen to your brain. Isn't that scary? And that's not only like memory loss you could just do yourself some irreversible brain damage.

Yeah. Or could you give yourself an aneurysm if you're doing I don't know. But imagine that's how you go. That's actually

one of my worst fears that I'll be naked or in like some kind of compromising position on the toilet. You'll be dead. What do you care? Sort this situation out.

I feel sorry for, you know, I'd feel sorry for my family having to deal with that. Yeah. It's shut, eh? So she'd be embarrassed. She wouldn't let the,

like the coroner and stuff turn up and find that. So she'd like try to clean it up and I'd imagine she'd be upset. Probably angry at me for making such a mess on the way out. Yeah. Yeah.

Probably ruin the evidence. Not that there needs to be evidence. It's not a murder scene. I've kind of done it myself. To a courtesy clean up. We should all put that in our world. You shouldn't have to squeeze. That's why you just sit and take your time.

You shouldn't have to squeeze. That's why you just sit and take your time. You shouldn't have to squeeze that hard. Need more fiber. More fiber. Vegetables. Yeah, prunes. Or a Metamucil. Hope it doesn't hit you so sudden. Is that still on the ads?

Remember that was on the ads? What? Hope it doesn't hit you too sudden. Have a Metamucil and hope it doesn't hit you too sudden. I just remember that growing up there. There was always ads on the TV for Metamucil. And was it an old guy or a lady came on? Yeah.

She was like, take a Metamucil and hope it doesn't hit you real sudden. Wait, it was an ad for Metamucil? Yeah. But they were also forewarning you might shit yourself. Yeah. Don't you remember that? They would deter me from Metamucil. Now that I think about it, that's not a great encouragement, is it?

No, it's not. Should I take a Metamucil? Oh, no, no. Because they were saying take a laxative and hope it doesn't hit you real sudden. Oh, so they were saying Metamucil was a slower-moving option. The better option. That's right. Apologies, Metamucil.

Apologies to Metamucil. Take a laxative. But again, it was still quite a grim ad. It was like, hey, do you want to shit yourself? Take Metamucil. And if you haven't for a while, you know, like, wash it and poop for, what did you say, 10 days?

Two weeks. Well, it might be just a way of avoiding some... You're really rolling the dice on a Metamucil. Really rolling the dice. There's a study in Australia that has revealed some crazy stats about how young people are having sex.

So this is a national debrief survey. It's done by the Centre for Social Research and Health. And it says that 75% of young Australians who had had sex in the past 12 months did so without a condom at least once. How many percentage? Wow, that's 75%. So three quarters. So without a condom at least once. How many percentage? Wow. 75%.

75%. So three quarters. Who had had sex in the past year. Had done it at least once with no condom. Yeah. So of that group. Does this people who are sort of like single and mingle or does this include couples?

Single and mingle. That's really high, isn't it? Yeah. And you'd think, you would think that the number of casual partners someone had, like the more casual partners you have, the more likely you would use condoms? Yeah. Not the case. A person's likelihood of consistent condom use decreases with the number of casual partners.

More than 66% of people who had five casual partners or more said they did not use a condom. That's nuts, isn't it? Yeah. So they've said, look, it's not because they're not educated, because when they spoke to them all, they very much knew. They said 92% of people should use a condom with a new sexual partner, but... But they're not practising what they preach.

No, they know that that's the case, but then they're just not doing it and they're saying, oh, but my best friend wouldn't. So when they're talking about everyone they know, they're like, oh, but they wouldn't. They don't. So is it social pressure or like, I don't know. It's weird.

Also people- And would the numbers here be similar? Seeing as we're, you know, we're next door neighbours, we're cousins. Maybe. That's, hmm. So it's the same with STI checks. So 67% of people said they felt strongly that people should get tested for an STI. But only one

in five were actually doing it and women are more likely to have an STI test than men 63 percent of women as opposed to 51 percent of men have actually gone for a STI test but then I always don't sleep with Australians is that what we're learning from this? Yeah. Oh, but they're hot. I know they are born. That's crazy. I would have thought at least if you're having more casual partners, you'd be like, I actually, I should be a bit more safe. But the more casual partners you have,

the less likely people are to use protection. That's mad. That's mad. But is it because you're more likely to come across somebody who's like, like the more you, you know, just statistically, you're more likely to come across an anti-conner. Or is it just like the more you're doing it, the more cavalier you are? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't get STIs because you are using condoms. You're like, I'm invincible. Yeah, until you get one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't get STIs because you are using condoms. You're like, I'm invincible. Yeah, until you get one. Yeah. But you wouldn't know because you're not going to get tested. Yeah. Wow. Yikes.

That's scary. As again, I'm just... See, everything in Australia is trying to kill you. The snakes, the penises, the chlamydia, the tunnel web spider. You know how they always say there's a, they're calling it a sex recession for millennials. And there's been many stories that have come out and said that millennials are just doing it less.

Because what, they're antisocial, staying at home, Netflixing. Options, got options. All the explanations we're hearing. There has been a new study that has been done by Cosmopolitan. Now, it's because they are millennials that produced that magazine and they were like, this doesn't seem reflective of our actual lives. So they did a study themselves and they have realised

they're not actually, millennials are not actually having less, but the quality of which they're having is much better than previous generations. Really? So, yes. 18 to 34-year-olds, 71% say they're personally satisfied with the amount that they're having. It then breaks down into what kind...

Look at producer Caitlin's all grinning. I've got a boyfriend now. So, 20% have delved into. What about the millennials you're having sex with, Fletch? They are having a good time? Oh, that's really, that's a very appropriate comment. I don't know. We're in an open, safe place.

I hope they're having a great time. Well, that's all we can ask for, isn't it? How's your TripAdvisor rating? You yelp. I don't. Some of them actually do yelp. That is like some Black Mirror stuff, eh? Imagine you wake up in the morning and you've

got a two out of five. Imagine if they added that to Tinder. Oh my god, and then you got suspended from having any kind of sex or meetings because you're terrible. That's some real Black Mirror stuff. It's like a real hot guy but he's got a two star.

You're like, oh, okay, well that explains. Other people would love that because girls love a fixer upper. It's like evened it out.

Like a bad boy and they're like, I'm going to fix him. It explains too. So 20% have tried BDSM. Oh my God. 44% have used

sex to over the partner. How many percent of the bit is it? 20. That's one in five. Oh, kinky. 9% have had group participation. Okay. And 49% have had...

Maybe I'll just leave that one out. There's a few in there that I'll just leave that one out. There's a few in there that I'll just leave out. Right, okay. But, 92% were more concerned with quality

over quantity. You can say that thing you were... No, I'm trying to do charades of four in there. Yeah. Rough.

Rough, rough. Yeah. 44, no, what was that? 49%, so almost half, yeah. Yeah. Rough. Rough. Yeah. 44. No, what was that? 49%. So almost half. Yeah. Interesting. Caitlin, how do you find these new findings? Great. For me,

because I have a boyfriend now. But also, because I have a boyfriend now, I get tired all the time, so I don't want to do it. That didn't take long. We're very comfortable. Honeymoon period is over. I think that's, like, on the money, wouldn't you say?

Probably. Maybe. So they've gone on to say that they are exploratory. Yeah. They're less defined by stigmas and taboos. And yeah, they value quality over quantity. Okay, right. Quality over quantity.

Yeah. Well, everyone here is either a millennial or sleeping with millennials. So how does everyone feel about that? Probably more of a baby boomer with my routine. What does that mean? No, aren't they quiet? They're getting into it now. Oh, you hear about these rest homes?

Yeah. Just their absolute Yeah, but that's like a beachcomber island. It's just like a lot of missionary. And love. Well, the decaying bone quality doesn't exactly lead to a lot of BDSM. You smack a barrel and you break it. And you bruise very easily when you're old. That's true.

Have you been choking people again, Fred? That's true. Three women watching EastEnders with bruising that said that you've been having rough sex with them. Sorry about that. It's just... Oh, God. What's a...

Maybe more of a Gen X. Just... Yeah, right. Just not doing it. Embarrassed about it. Oh, yeah. Don't talk about it. No.

I'm not meaning to be mean, or I just happen to have stumbled across this on your birthday week, Fletch, but I have stumbled across an article which has explained what happens to your penis as you get old. Okay. So it's quite, it actually

has been referred to as a banana. So like a banana. Lichen to. Lichen to a banana. Oh, so banana. Lichen 2. Lichen 2 banana. Oh, it's not going to go brown and spotty, is it? And shrivel up and then be good for a banana cake. Put it in the freezer.

And then leave it there for like ever. No, it won't go brown. But it is going to change size and potentially shrink a little bit. Well, that's not good news. Shrink? But I thought gravity would have just, like, done its part. Because, like, the balls just continue to get longer, right?

We'll get to that. That's unfair. So when you start producing testosterone is when you go through puberty and everything happens. And once you get over 40, testosterone decreases, which can actually change your penis size. And it will probably get smaller. Small. This is not good news.

Yeah. Is there any good news in this, Megan, at all? It depends how you look at it. Okay. Is there any good news in this Megan? It depends how you look at it. Like I mean if you're a massive one and it's always hindered you your whole life after 40 then it's great news. There is a chance it could develop a deeper curve. So there is already shapes, banana, cone and pepper. But if you're not already...

What's pepper? Like banana? Don't they mean like a bell pepper? Cone. But it makes people sneeze. Like a capsicum. Oh, right. Capsicum. What?

We're talking about shape. What? Like a joke. We need to look up the different types of shape of cone. There are seven different types of penis shapes. Right. Hold on. So if you're not already a banana.

Hey, ZM printed this article. Good work. Last August. Right. Hold on. So if you're not already a banana. Hey, ZM printed this article. Good work. Last August. Pretty good. So the pencil, right, long and thin. I think we spoke about this, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is all ringing a bell now.

But yeah, the pepper's a bit chode-ier. Yeah. The cone. So if you already have a banana, you might be all right. But if you tend to have a pretty straight one or there's a little curve, then it's probably going to get more of a curve. Why does it curve? Is it like, because with one of my plants,

the plant like goes towards the sun and curves that way. Is that a similar thing? It's going towards the sun. Towards what? Your belly button or? It's a condition known as Peyronie's disease where scar tissue can build up on the inside and it'll affect the way it... Right.

Scar tissue. Changes the meaning of that chilli pepper song a little bit. You may experience erectile dysfunction that occurs in 50 to 55% of men between 40 to 70. What constitutes erectile dysfunction? I don't know. Not being able to do something and it doesn't. Yeah, right. Not being able to perform? I don't know. Not being able to do something and it doesn't? Yeah, right. Not being able to perform, I guess.

Yeah. That'd be like from a guy who's lived a lifetime of it performing when you don't want it to. That will be a weird change of pace. And here's where we get to, what shall I call it? Are you kidding me? Is there more bad news? Yeah, so you were asking about the berries.

They will droop and shrink. The berries or the plums. So that the bolos will get smaller. And hang lower. This is all like out of whack for ratio. Because you've got the sack getting longer, the potatoes in the sack getting smaller. And the bananas shrinking and bending.

It's not the most attractive thing to start with, and then it's just like really turning into a mess. Okay. Have a look in between your own legs before you start telling my gender that it's a mess down there. Yeah. You know? Any word on what happens to the vaheen and the ageing process?

It stays just right. Right. Just right. It's not going to droop, is it? I tell you what, you're very rarely going to find a male that will complain about it. Our students are searching porn on

New Zealand school networks 300,000 times in one month. In one month. Now, that's not the word porn. That is anything that would fall under a porn suit. That's like what the school equivalent of net nanny.

Yeah, or a net filter. Anything that's not would... I'd imagine there could be things like, things that were violent. No, because it's specifically sex. It's just porn. Sexual. Wow, okay.

Yeah, the sexual nature. Yeah. It's nuts. This has raised the concern again that we need to have better and more inclusive sex education in schools.

But then like isn't it just like people showing off and being silly? That's right. I mean when you go to an all boys school But 300,000 times?

Yeah. He's like ha ha boobs. Because we used to do that in like IT class. We'd be like ha ha teacher's not looking

like search something dodgy. Yeah. And I think back then it probably wasn't blocked. And then you're like, ha-ha, and turn it off. But wouldn't it be under your login? Or are they just generally logged in these computers? Well, I don't know how. Well, younger, maybe it's like a group situation.

But when you get older, you'd probably have a school logon, wouldn't you? Yeah, for sure. So they can monitor what you're looking at. Or you'd just be able to log on to the Wi-Fi with your iPad or laptop. But it's on school networks. Yeah, but if you were logged on to a Wi-Fi, that would be technically the network. 300,000 times in one month. How many school-aged children do we even have?

There's a few principals doing that. Let's not blame the children entirely. I like to think principals would know better about the IT system to save that time. Well, how many of them get caught? That's a good call. I'm just working out. I've got some stats here on

how many school-aged children there are in New Zealand. This was in 2016. There was 800,000. Okay. There was 800,000 school-aged children in New Zealand. was 800,000. Okay. There was 800,000 school-aged children in New Zealand. So 300,000 300,000 a month. So three months, it's covered all the kids

in New Zealand. Someone won't give up. Someone just keeps trying. Yeah. And that does that. I mean, obviously, the younger end of that bracket probably would have no idea what was going on. But then, sadly, once you get to about the middle part of it, it's... And you're right. There might be a fair chunk of that that's chalked up to curiosity.

Shits and gigs. Well, yeah, no, shits and gigs, but also curiosity as to not being informed, but obviously hearing words that you're like, what does that mean? Yeah. Yeah, I know what that means. After the library at lunchtime punches it in, searches it, no idea as to, you know,

that it's of a sexual nature. Sex education because we don't need our children learning from Pornhub. This is true. We do not need that. But yeah, they're saying some teachers are like ill-equipped and just not confident enough. But then I feel sorry for the teachers that are quite well-equipped

and do it because regardless of how you tackle sex education, there's always like parents that try to put a stop to it. Yeah. I remember that at school. Like it wasn't enough during one lot of sex education that this girl wasn't allowed to be in class. Her parents didn't want anybody learning about it because she'd come back

to class after being excluded and would ask questions and we'd all answer. And so the parents were like, no, I don't want anyone, any of these kids learning this. Like, what sort of madness

is that? Yeah, I used to remember they'd say that they were doing health class today and whoever had been told that they weren't allowed to sit in,

like, children left because they didn't have permission from their parents to be a part of that conversation. Pregnant at 16? Well, the girl that I'm thinking of got pregnant just out of high school. Like, completely unplanned to, like, a casual boyfriend. Because she hadn't learned about... Well, she hadn't...

And she hadn't been able to have open conversations with her parents about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. So what you were saying is that she would just be a free-for-all on the school computers to search whatever. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. So what you're saying is there should just be a free-for-all on the school computers to search whatever. Oh, look, I don't have the exact answer

because as I said, very dicey subject. Very, but surely there just needs to be a bit more effort across the board. Parents, starts at home, right? They're intrigued regardless. You've got to let them know. I remember being sat down by Ian and Christine

and being given the book. Being given the book. I think the order where Where Do Babies Come From. Playboy. Dad just gives you a magazine. He classed it as a book. No, that didn't have the cover on it, so he didn't know if it was Playboy or not.

He got it free from the service station at the end of the month. We sat down and we got given the book and we didn't know and then they said, there's this book and there's this video, watch it, any questions. Video? Yeah, there was like a video you could get out from the public library. It was like an animated thing for kids. It was like, you might be wondering where you came from.

And it's like, well, and then it walks you through. It was quite traditional, like it was missionary and stuff. And I mean, don't live under any cloud of ignorance. A lot of us are probably conceived in many different positions. Maybe missionary doesn't do it for your mum,

I don't know. But then there was that. So we went through all that and then a few years later we watched What's Happening to My Body, which was made by the same people, but it was more about puberty. And then after we watched that, we again watched

Where Do We Come From and kind of like put all the pieces together. By watching the original Star Wars and then watching the prequel afterwards. Yeah, right. You know, yeah, there's a bit more to the story now. It's fleshed out a little bit. And I'm like, yeah, I remember my mum and dad saying, we've got to tell you about this stuff because

we were never told by our parents That's so progressive I don't remember any conversations They might have happened but maybe I blocked them out But then you grew up in a progressive household and the fact that there was no like your body was nothing to be ashamed of and nudity was out there and surely if you had questions you could have asked

Yeah, I don't remember where I learned from Probably learned at a very young age at the nudist park Yeah and surely if you had questions you could have asked. Yeah. I don't remember where I learned from. Probably learned at a very young age at the notice park. Yeah. After you saw mum and dad on the trampoline after some of that. There's been a study that's looked into young people's sex life in general and there's a surprising stat that's come out of this. So one in five young people are wearing their ear pods while they have sex. Can't be me because I don't have ear pods. And I don't have sex.

So that's us out of the equation. Do the producers have ear pods? Caitlin, you don't. James, you're not an ear pod. Nah. Nah. I've thought about it, but they're real expensive, eh? Because I've got my current headphones that I have to plug in,

and then I've got my wireless gym ones, so I've got enough. They're like $400. Good Lord. I thought they were $200. Are they $400? Well, I think the latest ones. Oh, are they? Or like $300.

$400 to look that stupid. They would be handy. $279. Oh, yeah. Or like $300. $400 to look that stupid. They would be handy. Like $279. Oh, yeah, so close. Oh, yeah, double, Caitlin. That's mad. See, I initially thought they, like, everyone thought they looked a bit stupid,

but now I'm kind of... No, they still look stupid. I think they look stupid. I think I'd try. It looks like you're constantly on Bluetooth or something. I don't know. Yeah, we were very judgmental of like businessmen who drove around with a Bluetooth headset on

and now we're not anymore. Yeah. No, I think we are still of the businessmen. But AirPods more accepted. Right. But okay, so during... It doesn't specify, like it doesn't say. I think they're, and both of them are in your ears.

So you're not sharing, like one for me, one for you. It's not that. You've literally got your earpods in while it's happening. What are you listening to? A podcast? I hope not. I hope it's like music to get you in the mood. You're in the middle of it and you're like, did you get side and then actually

killed that girl in that park? Okay, don't be listening to true crime podcasts during... I'm sorry. Say when you're pretending to pant. And by the way, that's being made into an HBO.

Oh, it's something else to watch during sex, I suppose. Yeah. Because you know, like during CPR, it's supposed to be staying alive by the Bee Gees. Are you listening to something for a little bit of rhythmic assistance?

They have specified one genre of music as the most popular, if you want to have a guess. That System of a Down song. Wake up! A little makeup! Done. A little makeup! Yeah, it's that one. A little makeup!

And then it's over in 10 seconds. You're lucky if you make the... Or is it Chop Soap? You're so Hamilton. You're so Hamilton. I love it. I love making music. Anywhere south of the Bombays.

66.3%. Classical. Baroque. No. Baroque. Baroque. Baroque. No, no, that's Bach.

Oh, Bach. Baroque is a type of classical music. Oh, okay, right. I was like, what are you saying? I've never heard of that. No, it's country music. Really? But at Old Town Road.

I'm gonna take my horse to the Old Town Road. I'm going to take my horse to the Old Town Road. I'm going to ride till I can no more. That's because that's, yep. And then you hit the Billy Ray part and it's over. Oh, you're lucky. Porn Hub, who, I don't know if they're the biggest porn website. Come on, leave me hanging here, guys. I don't know what you're

talking about i've heard and so there's a red tube yeah isn't there like dirty youtube i'm i'm going to go in it's like the same sort of caitlin just in case i tell you ask i'm googling what the biggest website is for porn for porn well now it's gone like nah see i'm not i'm not the blockchain what did you put hang on on, I'm going to go news. I'll see if there's any news. Google. Because, nah, I can't Google too much

without going into it. Yeah. That's the problem with watching this as well. So, Pornhub seemed to do this very well in the fact that they released

like statistics that gets everybody like, oh, like interested. Even if you don't watch porn, it's interesting to know what's been watched by who, where, for how long. Cause they've got all this information.

Like I find it fascinating when, when they have like big hurricanes or something or big events overseas, they're always like, well, this caused an increase. Polar vortexes. That kind of thing. Yeah.

So they've, Snowstorms. Snowstorms. Yeah, this caused an increase. Polar vortexes. That kind of thing. Yeah. So they've finally released the New Zealand statistics on what New Zealanders are watching, who's watching the most of it, and what area. And I tell you what, females, you don't get off scot-free, Megan. No. We know what you're doing

while you're home before Mr. Toyboy finishes up at the cafe. 40% of the viewership of New Zealanders came from females. Well, that just means that 60% was men. Oh, yeah, but I thought it was going to be like 90%. Right. So the average around the world is 26%, but 40%, 46%. Yeah, 26% global average of the audience. But we're very liberal here, aren't we?

We're very New Zealanders. Are we? Are we? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but maybe not. Because we always do quite well on the how many people have you slept with list. If by well, we're trying to get a high score, not golf rules. Yeah.

We always do well that. And also, this is women are big consumers of gay male porn. Huh. Really? Would you find it hot watching two dudes hook up, Megan? It's not my cup of tea, but I'm not going to begrudge anyone else. Because I was the other day. Anya just shook her head.

I wasn't going to throw to Anya, but she just shot me this filthy look. Because I knew you were going to come like, Anya, what do you think about gay porn? Well, what do you, does it, no? No, it doesn't tickle my fancy. See, I just would have assumed, I mean, I can't speak for everybody, but I don't personally have never spoken to any females that do. But then the other day, there was these two really good looking guys. Yeah.

I'll give you the backs. Where is this going? We were doing a get together, a bit of a rehearsal for Have You Been Paying Attention? Yeah. And a guest on the show was a CrossFit instructor. I'm not going to. A CrossFit instructor. And he brought his mate in.

Yeah. And when they introduced himself, he said, this is my other half. And I thought he meant partner. Gay lover. But he meant other half of like his duo. Oh, right. A bit like when I said, this is Fletch, my other half. Right.

I mean, we've had a Google search. Yeah, I know. The guy I work with, but not my lover. But I was like, holy shit. Like, that would be an intense thing to see happen. Okay. And I said to some females there, I was like, when they said other half, did you get the feeling they're like romantically linked? Two of the women thought the same as me.

One of them was like, no, they're like business partners or something. Right. But the two women who thought the same as me were like that would be a hot watch. And I was like really? You're the first females I've actually like spoken to that would think two dudes hooking up is

hot. Yeah. But apparently not. Apparently the prudes that I hang out with are in the minority. Well why aren't you admitting it to us then? You're all watching it but you're not admitting it to us. I would like to her in the minority. So... Well, why aren't you admitting it to us then? No, but... You're all watching it, but you're not admitting it to us. I would like to bring up the TV show What If, which you haven't watched. Is that with Renee Zellweger in it?

Yeah. Okay. There's three men in that at one point, and that's, we've all discussed how... Why are you writing it down? Just remember it. What If. Carry on, Megan.

We've all discussed it, but that's quite, that was quite a sexy scene. Wait, so three men and no Renee Zellweger? No. No, no, no. What's Renee Zellweger doing? She's in a separate, like, she's, you know, different storyline kind of. Oh, right, okay.

Oh, right, okay. But she doesn't get to see it. She was central to it all. No, no, no, no. Oh, that's upsetting for Renee Zellweger. She doesn't get to see it all participate. But that was all right. Yeah.

Well, see, maybe this is a gateway drug. Gateway drug to the gay porn. That is fascinating because the stats don't lie. No. That's what's so amazing about these statistics. So wait, what percentage was that? Of females that are liking that? You don't know. No, they just said previous research said that women

were big consumers of gay male porn. Wow. Other things we've learned about New Zealanders, the global average is 80% of their sites' traffic comes from mobile devices, but in New Zealand it's only, sorry, in New Zealand it's only 34% because 66% of people are still turning on the home desktop. Just go to the office to do the taxes.

Don't come in here, Mum, I'm doing my business! Mum's like, you don't even have a business. Regionally. It's important to learn these things. Regionally, Gisborne is the big. Gisborne kind of wins everything.

Fantastic. They spend the most time watching it. They spend 46 seconds longer than the national average. Right. Watching it. We're down to seconds. Yeah, they've got it down to seconds.

The regional difference in seconds. So Marlborough is two seconds above and Wellington is one second under. Marlborough, okay. So that's like, they're the closest to the national average. Marlborough, if the Sunshine Hours war with Nelson's anything to go by,

they don't like losing. So I wouldn't be surprised if they're... Nelson's beating them. Nelson spends nine seconds longer. Higher than the national average. That's probably because Megan's dad doesn't know how to shut down the browser. Where's my mouse? Oh, my God.

Where's my mouse? Ray, how do I find the mouse? Shake it and it'll get- This is too real. Shake it and it'll get big on the screen. I've already shaked- Oh, you mean the mouse. One. Shake it. It'll get big on the screen. I've already shaked. Oh, you mean the mouse. Born.

I'm a father. So Otago spends the least amount of time, 31 seconds lower than the national average. It's Gigatown. Because they get loads so much quicker. Click, done. Done. Done.

Shake the mouse. Find that. Shut it down. The whole place is Gigatown. And Gizmon also wins the top gay viewership regions in New Zealand. Really? 36%. Which is way higher.

The average New Zealand, the average, 4.25, and Gizmon's at 36%. What about, do you remember my hometown of New Plymouth years ago came up top in searching bombs and gay porn? Are they not on't register? No. Tasman District, they're the second, most likely. Then Auckland, Hawke's Bay, Manawatu, Waikato and Northland.

I'm sorry to tell you, it's not. But you do watch, Taranaki watches porn for 13 seconds longer than the national average. Again, that'll be your dad trying to shut down. Nacky hard. There's a story I've just been reading. This is worrying. Worrying.

Worrying. Panic. You'll never guess what happened next. This mother has spoken out about what happened to her son. You'll be shocked. And the son's like, no, shush. Do you know what your children are sniffing? These are the possible headlines, the panicky headlines.

Yeah, right. So don't panic. But a study has possibly linked the use of lavender oil. This could be in a soap, a shampoo, a laundry detergent. Or like those scented pillows. Yeah, those scented pillows. I've seen those at like farmers. Lavender scented pillows.

Or like when you go to a fancy hotel they like have a pillow menu. Oh, I was going to say you go somewhere and there might be a sprig. A sprig of lavender. Of lavender. Okay.

So what, stay clear, what's happening? Well, it can cause abnormal breast development in boys and girls. Yeah, there was a study and it has got a scientific name,

premature falace. Premature falacesache. Premature Thalaches. Thalache. It sounds like Mexican. Thalache. I'd like a Thalache. Okay. I'll have an Espresso Thalache.

It's happy hour, right? That's a two for one. I'm not paying $18 for a Thalache. I'll have two for $18. That's $9 a Thalache. Is that? Come on, just. Well, it's 527. Make them now. That's $9 off a falace. Is that? Come on, just. Well, it's 527.

Make them now. God, something's just been to Bali. Charge me for them now. Yeah. Charge me for them now, then make them later. Well, the computer says if it's 527, I can't put them through to that. Shut up. Make them.

You're talking and we're getting closer to 7 o'clock. So the falace is where the breast tissue develops. Right. But no other signs of puberty in girls. And for boys, just the breast tissue develops. What about growing adults? Yep. Around lavender?

Yeah, it can cause mantides. Okay. Middies. Some moobies, some middies. So they studied these kids that were exposed to Lavender Oil, and then when they stopped the exposure, the symptoms also stopped. Weird. Yeah.

Wait, so when you stop the exposure, the middies go away? The middies cease to get any larger. Oh, okay. Right, so it stops. It's not a smell I like, and probably because, like you say, it's synonymous with 90s toilet spray. Yeah. And it's horrible.

Yeah. Did your nan or parents sit the Glade can on like a something, like a coaster to stop it marking the windowsill no no no but that was i was trying to think because i'll tell you exactly what my nan used cheese used to come in a wheel and it was like pizza segments of cheese and it came and that came in a plastic circular that was what she used so you'd always, if you did a spray, you'd have to put it. Because my granite would really, really spray because he was a, he passed on to me, a very stinky anus.

And then head spray so much, you'd put it down. The residue would run down the can and affect the paint. Oh, okay, right. Yeah. So she was like, I'll use this upturned cheese lid and you always put it in there. And so the residue went on that and didn't affect the paint of the windowsill.

That's good. She was giving that single use plastic a second go. She probably burnt it at the end of it. She was a prolific rubbish burner. But yeah. So that explains my middies growing up because there was always Lavender Centiglade spray. There is a new survey that has been revealed.

I don't know why people look into these sorts of things, but they've studied a thousand people. They were asked about their job because there is something that people do that says you're more likely to be a manager. There's a trait. Okay. There's a trend, shall I say, out of these thousand people that they're doing something that makes them more likely to be a manager.

So Ross Boss would do this? Yeah. Producer Caitlin, are you able to get Ross Boss on the phone? Yeah, I actually just called him and went straight to answer phone. Unbelievable. Yeah. Well, it is quite him. It went straight to answer phone. Unbelievable. Yeah, well, it is quite early. I'd love to hear his thoughts on this. Well, I don't know what it is, but maybe he's doing it,

and that's why he can't answer the phone. Maybe that's why it went straight to answer phone. Should I double call so then it looks like an emergency so then he panics and wakes up? Yeah. You can try, yeah. Yeah, okay. Hit it again.

Okay, sure. So this survey has found that people who are, I can't say that often, what's that R word? Regularly. Regularly. Regularly. Regularly. Masturbate.

More likely to be managers. Oh, he probably is doing it then. My goodness me. Producer Kaylin, has that gone through? Yeah, it's ringing. He's trying to use his phone to do it, so he can't answer the call. What do you mean? He's watching something.

Oh, yeah, and you're probably interested. At 20 past six in the morning? Yeah, well, he's got to come to work soon. A pre-work? Oh, my God. Yeah, well, he's got to come to work soon. A pre-work. Oh, my God. Wait, so this is an actual study? Yeah, so they did a study on over 1,000 people. They were asked about their...

Habits. Habits, as well as their job, and it revealed that people who do that at least once a week are more likely to excel in every way. Once a week? I was waiting for that. Those are rookie numbers. You need to pump every way. Once a week? I was waiting for that. Those are rookie numbers. You need to pump that up.

Once a week. But they're more likely in management positions. Yeah, but why? That's not true. Because why is Vaughn like? Yeah, you'd be like, you'd be CEO. I'd be running the place. I'd be the Fuhrer.

Like of the entire world. I'd be like, you're in charge now. I'd be like, thank you. Now I don't know how I'm going to squeeze in running the world because I've got a very full schedule of playing with myself. I also found that regular, regular, regular, regular, regular, regular, regular, regular, regular, masturbators were 8% more likely to ask for a raise.

Plucky. What. Plucky. What? Plucky. They're plucky. Oh, okay. What is plucky? Well, I was going to say ballsy, but it didn't seem like an appropriate... It didn't seem like an appropriate word to use in this time. Wow. So if you're struggling to move up the corporate ladder, I think I've got the answer for you.

Yeah, so they've come to the conclusion that it helps your self-confidence. Morning, noon and night. Just like brushing your teeth. No. Oh, my God. Well, do you want to be a manager or not? Do you want to pay a raise or not? Is that what I have to do, is it?

Yeah, get it done. Schedule a one o'clock Jonas. 2019 was the year that we had to tell men to stop putting toothpaste on their penises. Why is this happening? Because of YouTube. I thought you were about to say because of you. I was like, no. You don't want to whiten them.

Is it whitening it? No. Or is it charcoal? Are they using that new charcoal toothpaste? No. To clean? To stop a cavity. Well, you've got to scrub that in, though.

They get the most out of it. Right. So there's YouTube videos. There stop a cavity. Well, you've got to scrub that in, though, to get the most out of it. Right. So there's YouTube videos. There's a few of them, apparently, that claims it can help increase timing. And no, I can't say that. I can't say that either. Longevity.

Yeah. Right. And firmness. You can say stiffness, surely. Oh, well, stiffness. It's a recognised scientific term. Okay. Longevity and stiffness.

When you say it together, it's... Well, it's better than saying a long stiffy, Megan. Well, one of these videos, the toothpaste... Are you actually watching it? No, I've searched on YouTube. I'm not watching it. 71,000 views. Yeah. One of these videos, the toothpaste on... Are you actually watching it? No, I've searched on YouTube. I'm not watching it. 71,000 views. Yeah.

One of these videos. So this is a problem. So what it tells you to do, I'll tell you so you don't have to watch it. What is it? It's misleading. It says four times bigger. Yeah. See, this is the problem.

Four times bigger thanks to toothpaste. Who's believing that? So, yeah, there was one of these videos that has over a million views. And it says that toothpaste can do more than help you clean your teeth. Making love has become hard. And making yourself last. You're really struggling with this, aren't you? I'm paraphrasing and it's difficult.

Making, it can help you last longer. So, you're advised to massage toothpaste onto the tip. That! I would have thought that would have been the part to avoid. Because of the sensitive nature.

It stops premature stuff and it stops dysfunction. Right. Yeah. It stops premature stuff and it stops dysfunction. Right. Yeah. So people are out there. Stops dysfunctions. Well, helps with dysfunction.

So yeah, doctors and pharmacists, I feel like they didn't need to say this, but they. They have. They have because it's become a problem. It will lead to blisters, burns and scarring. Oh, God. So please don't do that. Also, they said there's an abrasive property to toothpaste, which will make things uncomfortable for you.

Yeah, some have the micro-cleaning power, don't they? Yeah. And if you don't wipe off the toothpaste residue, it can also become a massive problem for the female or wherever it's going. Yeah, right. Do you know what I mean? Any word on Listerine, its properties? Well, they have said, look, anything to do with peppermint, minty, like peppermint oil

even has irritant properties when you put it on sensitive skin. So just be careful, okay? Just be bloody careful. I can't believe we need a warning for that. Come on, people. It's embarrassing. There's over a million views on one of those videos. And this is only the guys that have actually gone to the hospital and admitted that they've got... God, I'm glad YouTube wasn't around when I was a teenager.

Look at this. Look at this one. Vapor rub for genital enhancement. No, don't do that. Holding a tub of Vicks Vaporub and it's had 435,000 views. Vicks!

So the pharmacist, actually it was a urologist that said this, anyone using toothpaste for sex is kidding themselves. Don't do it. Blunt into the point. Because then you're going to have to go to hospital and explain how that happened. I took my medical advice from a YouTube A YouTuber

And then they put you in the ward With all the kids with measles Because they took their YouTube They took their medical advice from someone just as stupid Okay It feels like only maybe a couple of weeks ago That we had to tell men to stop putting toothpaste on their penises Because Why were they doing that?

Whitening them. No. Wasn't it to make them bigger? So they don't get cavities. Get rid of the plaque. Get rid of the plaque. Yeah, that was a warning that was put out. Now we have to tell women to put toothpaste on their vaginas.

Wow, okay. We have to. Why to put toothpaste on their vaginas. Wow, okay. We have to. Why? Why are people doing this? Apparently this is gaining popularity overseas and the reason they're doing it is... On? Or in?

Big difference here. Into. Into. Into. To tighten. Well, geez, I hope you're wiping the end of the bloody tube. Can I tell, so there is, Dr. Vanessa has had to put out a statement. Right.

She is from the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. And so she knows what she's talking about. Do you know what country she's from? Like, where's this happening? Surely not New Zealand. I don't think it's happening in New Zealand, but I don't know where Dr. Vanessa is from. But it's gaining popularity

overseas and I've obviously seen some people who have a bit of a plight after doing this. Should I read her statement? It's very scientific, but you know. Well, I mean, I maybe, because if people are doing this, they should stop. Okay.

I'm just going to read it real quick. Putting toothpaste into the vagina or the vulva would not only be uncomfortable, but it could also cause serious damage and disrupt the natural flora of the vagina, leading to the potential for infections. The natural flora? Yeah.

Are there flowers in there? I was going to like... Flora and fauna, the animals and the flowers. Leading to the potential for infections like bacterial vaginosis and thrush. Okay, right. Wow. Do not do that. This is a lot to take in at this time in the morning, isn't it?

I know. I was just like, that sounds very scientific. I didn't want to dance around like trying to. No, don't. Tell us, tell it how it is. Yeah. So she says it's a remarkable thing and can protect itself. Yeah, right.

But, you know, if you're putting toothpaste. Don't do it. It's not great for it. Would you use whitening or the stripe one? Oh, only the best. Probably baking soda. Baking soda toothpaste. Jeez.

Because there's that old, the age-old toothpaste for hickeys, which is meant to do something. And zits. Did you ever hear that? And pimples, yeah. Pimples which is meant to do something. And zits. Did you ever hear that? And pimples, yeah. Pimples. I used to dab toothpaste on my zits.

Because the idea is... But they actually do something for zits, don't they? It doesn't do anything for hickeys. Well, because it would go on... It was kind of like a weird pepperminty face mask. So it would go on wet, and then once it dried, it would kind of tighten and dry them up. I don't know if that's actually scientific, but that's what I used to do. Yeah, I've just Googled a lot of people saying,

yeah, the hacky thing does work. It can have a soothing effect on the hacky and can also help dissipate the blood clot and speed up the healing process. But you don't want to use too much because that could irritate the skin. Right. Does it work for pimples?

And then does toothpaste help with pimples? Bottom line, in some ways it's true. It could dry out and shrink the pimples faster than doing nothing. But instead of toothpaste, use a dab of salicylic acid cream or tea tree oil. You can buy that in the supermarket, eh? Tea tree oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's real expensive.

Reminds me of nits. Is that how you get rid of nits? Yeah, you get a tea tree shampoo. Because that's what dries out your pimples, does it? The tea tree oil. I don't know because it's oil. Was it like an anti-sit? Maybe it's an anti-something-over-the-other.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay, so good for zits and hickeys, but not good for... Down there. Jennies. Don't put toothpaste on your jennies. The University of Florida interviewed 1,000 women aged between 18 to 71. So that's a good spread.

Yep. That's a good spread of age. And they found that women in long-term relationships had better sex. They have better sex with their husbands or long-term partners than they do during one-night stands. So they didn't ask your wife? Oh, they asked her, all right. And it's just been so long she can't remember anything else. So she probably said something nice.

Well, I'll be nice to him. How old's August? She's five and a half years, Megan. Yeah, it's a while to remember. Well, no, she didn't have August with a one-night stand. No, that's the last time. That we had sex. Well, if you want the details, Megan, we didn't have August with a one-night stand. No, that's the last time. That we had sex. Well, if you want the details, Megan, we've had sex very recently.

Can we not have the details, please? I shouldn't have prodded the beer, which is actually how she gets me started. She prods the beer. Oh, my God. That's what we call it. That's what we call it. A little warm-up. Yeah, right.

So they had 15% more orgasms. Oh, okay. Women in long-term relationships. This isn't surprising to me at all. Because you're not going to settle down what you'd hope you wouldn't settle down with someone that you didn't have good sex with, right? So of course you're going to be better than a random. In a one-night stand, they don't so much care or know your body like your partner. Yeah, yeah.

And one night stands like speaking for myself and no one else. Yeah. But I'm sure I am. Yeah. There's too much excitement. I used to lead up front with a, now this is going to be disappointing. Right, okay. This is going to be over very smartly.

Yeah. Don't, you know, don't expect a marathon. This is the 400 metre relay at best. I like that you're managing expectations. Well, 100%. 100%. Because they can't be disappointed because you did forewarn them. Yeah.

Not everyone manages expectations like that, though. Oh, you do yourself a wonderful favour. Set the bar very, very low. Yeah. And then if you don't perform yeah they're expecting it

but then if you put in an average performance yeah right you've exceeded expectations under promise over deliver that's my life mantra absolutely

it's the one to go for never over promise and they said their sexual satisfaction was 10% higher than single woman okay which is weird

you're having 15% more orgasms but your sexual satisfaction is only 10% more higher single woman. Okay. Which is weird. You're having 15% more orgasms, but your sexual satisfaction is only 10% more higher. Where's that 5% going? I don't know. We've lost 5%. We just like to leave room for improvement, always. Jesus, Megan, it's only 10%.

There's a lot of room for improvement. So when are you waiting for this improvement in your long-term relationship? Yeah. How long do you wait? Yeah. Yeah. Before you have to start

giving some tips, let it anonymous. You always give tips. The Yelp reviews. If you're only doing one night stands, what, you're just average?

Well, you tell me. Again, under promise, over deliver. Over deliver. Yeah. So,

I don't know. But there's no requirement to care about if the other one made it to the finish line because you're probably not going to see them again. So, it's just like, I just feel like there's little care, you know. Afterwards, you're like, that was great. How was it for you? Yeah.

Yeah. That's, but then, yeah, true. Your partner's got a vested interest in helping you, you know? Yeah, because afterwards, like, you can't just catch an Uber away from this look. And for those that miss that look, it was a look of disappointment. It was a look of, are you kidding me again? So we mentioned before that 75% of women like this. And 66% of men do as well.

Producer Caitlin's going very excited in the producer's studio. James is just nonchalantly eating a muesli bar. Do you reckon James... Nah, James wouldn't be into this. It's bloody shenanigans. I don't reckon. I reckon he'd deal it out though. Have you not heard the Go Daddy? I reckon he'd... Yeah out though. Have you not heard the GoDaddy?

I reckon he'd deal it out. Yeah, he's not afraid to put his foot down. Okay. So 75% of women and 66% of men like hands-on action on the bum and in the bedroom. Like a little smack. Smack. Spanking. Spanking.

No, let's say smacks. If you find that Erotic You obviously Weren't given enough Hidings as a kid I was like Belted with the

Wooden spoon And stuff And where do you Stand on it Um Caitlin You may as well Break the ice

Um Why do I have to Yeah that's alright. What about you, Daddy? How do you like it? As the Daddy, do you give it or like Daddies don't get smacked? What are you doing? Let's move on.

Okay, we shouldn't have talked about this. I wondered why we were going down this line, Daddy. We're 66% of men. Yeah, I've never been smacked in an erotic... Man, I wouldn't like it though. Right, okay. Because it would just be like, take me immediately back to doing something minor as a child

and getting whacked with an Alka-Thane pipe. Or with a bare hand. A psychologist has said it's a fine line between pleasure and pain. And so that's why. I've heard that before. Yeah. And usually it's the person receiving rather than the person dealing it out

that gets the pleasure out of it. They've also said that they found murals in Pompeii that suggest that it has been a sexual practice since a long time ago. What were the murals? Just like... I don't know. Weird.

James, you still haven't said anything Neither have you I see James hiding behind us You just always shouldn't even knock something until you try it I think is the general

Yeah That's a good way to look at it Rule of thumb Well there's a difference between a knock and a smack Isn't there?

It's like an open hand slap on the arse Wait a minute, why are you laughing Megan? No Because you got sent that paddle that time And you've used that That leather paddle with the Like the stud things at the top It doesn't have studs on it

Don't make it It does Don't make it creepy Look an emo kid's bloody van sneaker It's got those steel stud things on it, don't make it creepy. Look, an emo kid's bloody van sneaker. It's got those steel stud things on it. It does not have studs on it. Whereas Fletcher's old school, he just licks his hand and then

belts and then whacks open and palmed. Why did we talk about that? Because you're by sickos. That's why. 75% that's not sick. That's the population population that's the majority that in a referendum would get us

legalised cannabis or legalised arse smacking but that went the other way didn't it didn't it yeah

he's going to go home tonight and be like can I just how do you go about this for me we're sharing a room we're all living

in the same room at the moment there'll be no absolutely no paddywhack is that what you call it don't go'll be absolutely no paddywhack Is that what you call it? Don't go knick-knack paddywhack Knick-knack paddywhack

Especially give a dog a bone Give a dog a bone This old man came rolling home Do you sing it while you're doing it? No you don't, yuck You put that bum out and you're like a bonger This old man he played what He played knick-knack on your bum.

With a knick-knack, patty-whack, give a dog a bone. This old man came rolling home. She's like, I'm not into it. I'm like, neither. But when we started, this old man, he played too. I just read more in this article and I don't know what to say. A public service announcement, a public health safety message about your electric toothbrush.

Okay, because I have one of these. Okay. And I'm a bit, because I'll always wash it after I use it and then dry it because otherwise the base that you charge it on gets all gunky. Oh, yeah.

So is that a bacteria? Like when you pour the laundry liquid into the lid as a measurement and then chuck it in, but then you put the lid back on and it dribbles all down. Horrible. How well are you washing it?

With soap? Like, do you give the handle a soap up or are you just giving it a rinse? No, I just give it a rinse. Right. But you're right, actually. I mean, I touch it with my hand, so I probably should, like, maybe...

But the handle doesn't go in your mouth. It's just the top bit. So I always rinse that. But then you're probably not using the toothbrush to masturbate. I wouldn't have thought. What? No, I certainly am not. You are not telling me that's what this health warning is.

So, yeah. I thought they meant the handle. But now that I've read to the bottom of the story, doctors have said that the vibrating bristles on the toothbrush can actually lead to abrasions, tears, and cuts to the area. Looking for Jessica Lynn's face. It's not great. So could you please stop doing this?

This is from doctors. But this came from a Reddit post when someone was like, did everyone not use an electric toothbrush to do this as a teenager? And then doctors weighed in and were like, if you are, you should not. Bacteria, cuts and abrasions, there's a whole list of reasons why you shouldn't do it. Also, like, toothpaste is real tingly, eh?

So, I mean, you wouldn't want to be... I don't think you put a pea-sized dot of toothpaste on before you go in, do you? And also reference, remember when we talked about please don't rub toothpaste on... The genital area. On your pain? Yeah. And then they said earlier this year

we've had to tell people to stop doing the toothpaste thing and also to stop using pineapple juice when they... Well, this isn they, men. Well, this isn't young men. This is just women that you're talking about. No, I'm talking about the toothpaste and the, oh. No, yeah. Because usually we're to say

to stop putting toothpaste on our pain. Yeah. Not me. And stop using pineapple juice when guys do that. Yeah. Don't know. I don't know what, maybe tingly because you know how it makes your mouth bit.

Well, guys are dipping their tackle in pineapple juice. What is wrong with people, eh? Like, come on. Aliens are going to come here one day and be like, what are you guys doing? What? I don't know. So, yeah.

Although these stories are always out of the UK, aren't they? It is out of the UK. I'm just saying, like, the UK. But, like. Maybe they're stressed because of Brexit UK, aren't they? It is out of the UK. I'm just saying, like, the UK. But, like... Maybe they're stressed because of Brexit. I don't know. Your toothbrush is dirty because you're brushing the crap away out of your mouth and then you're holding the handle and you think how often people would actually soapy wash that.

Yeah, never. Like, never. How much bacteria would be on the bristles? Yeah, because they say when you have a cold, that's you meant to get rid of your toothbrush. Really? Yeah, I've heard that quite a few times, but I never do it. By the time you got over your cold, wouldn't you?

That's if you're sharing a toothbrush. No. Well, you wouldn't. No, just by yourself. But then by the time you get over the cold, you've become immune to what's made you sick. Yeah, on the toothbrush. Surely that just said, pour the boiling jug over it, you'll be sweet ass. Okay, how often should you change your toothbrush?

Oh, with seasons, right? Every season. Many dental professionals recommend changing your toothbrush every three months. Yeah. Right. Okay. So yeah, just use the electric toothbrush to brush your teeth

and that's it. There's other things. Because I was like, the handle would be okay. Yeah, yeah, but not the head of the toothbrush. But also the handle's dirty. But yeah, I believed they were referring to the handle until I read down further. Have you seen the price of electric toothbrush heads? They are not cheap.

Is it like the blade on the razor? It's like razor blades. You get sucked in, you're like, I'll buy an electric toothbrush, and then when you need a new head, they are expensive. I think for like a couple, they're like razor blades. You get sucked in, you're like, I'll buy an electric toothbrush, and then when you need a new head, they are expensive. I think for like a couple, they're like $25. Whoosh. $30, yeah. But then they'll, wow, okay,

so even then you're getting a lot of toothbrushes for $25. Yeah, but then you still got to change them because they, like any toothbrush, they wear it out. Yeah, yeah. What if you're in a flat and left your electric toothbrush in the bathroom? Don't. Burn it. Right. This is going to be

grown up. This is going to be grown up. It's going to be stats. Eyebrow. Eyebrow stat chat. Statistical chat. Statistical stat chat. So, Pornhub have released their end of year data. Yep. All their statistics.

This one's Australian, but they do get pretty specific. Like I'm imagining in the next few days. Yep. We'll get a New Zealand specific one because they've got all the data. People are freaking out right now. There's a what?

Big, big, big, big, big pun. But they always release the average time spent watching and different things. The searches that defined 2019 is quite interesting. Okay. but they always release the average time spent watching and different things. The searches that defined 2019 is quite interesting. Okay. I'll just read out some of the interesting of the top 10 because not all 10 can obviously be read out. No, no.

Number two was Alien. What? Alien? They believe that's related to the Area 51. You know how we were going to rate Area 51 this year? I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah. Is that someone dressed up? Yeah. Or like cartoon?

Like an alien or animated alien animated stuff. Because that's just humans, eh? Like, I'm here from another planet. Well, we should probably get down to business. Shush your, um, shush your dick. What's that even have?

I mean, maybe it's just more of a curious tentacle. Like, what do you guys have? Show us your tentacle with a face on the end. Oh, my God. I don't know. This is going to be highbrow. Yeah, good start, boy. So number five is cosplay.

I think you said that last one was number two. Yeah, Megan, I can't read every, some of them are inappropriate. Oh, okay. Cosplay, so that's like dressing up. Yeah, big year for the Avengers. I'd imagine there'd be some

Incredible Hulk stuff. Yeah. There's number six is mature. Oh, okay. Looking for the older, the older, number eight,

Apex. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm the youngest on this bloody show. Yeah, and your current situation, mate, it's rich Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm the youngest on this bloody show. Yeah, and your current situation, mate. It's rich. Yeah.

Very rich. Real rich. Number eight, Apex Legends, which was a video game like the Battle Royale post-Fortnite. Oh, right. Okay. It's a game like that. Yeah, right. With set characters.

Well, lame, lust, but you can't read out the good ones, can you? Not really. Is there anyone to dance around? No, I don't think. I think we can source a list ourselves if we're that interested. They released the top 20 countries by traffic. Okay. We're not on the list.

We're not within the top 20 countries. Number one, and it is by miles, is the United States. Wow, okay. The top 20 countries account for 79% of the daily traffic to that website. But then a lot of countries

as well ban these kind of websites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of the more conservative countries around the world which sound terrible. The Philippines,

would you consider them conservative? Drugs and stuff like that. They're on the list. Really? Yeah, yeah. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. I'm and stuff like that, they're on the list. Really? Yeah, yeah. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. So I'm surprised that's not banned.

They're above Australia. Now they've got a massive population. Yeah, but then the more you say like nipples and that kind of thing are bad, then the more... You have to Google them, yeah. I'm always Googling things. Nipples. That's what I Google when I'm looking for hot picks.

Nipples. The average time spent per visit. Thailand wins this at 11 minutes and 21 seconds. Really? Again, we're not on the list. We don't need that long, do we? So we must be under 8 minutes 35. Okay.

Age demographics. That's interesting. This is compared to last year. The 18 to 24 bracket is spending 64 seconds less. However, the 25 to 34 has gone up 23 seconds average viewing. Right. The 65 plus? Yeah.

So your boomers? Yeah. They're watching for 125 seconds longer than they were last year. Oh, no. So dad's worked out how to use the iPad. 23% 23 second increase from female viewers.

This is people who sign up because how would they know that you're male or female? Now this is very interesting. Currently it's 21 minutes past 6. This is one of the quieter hours. Only just behind 4am and 5am. It peaks at midnight.

Wow. Is it the busiest time? 11pm, midnight, yep. 11pm or midnight. I'm well asleep by midnight. The busiest time is 11pm on a Sunday night. Wow. But you've got work on Monday.

You should be asleep. But everyone's up from the weekend, aren't they? Yeah, they're trying to get themselves to sleep. That's all I've heard. But we do joke about Megan's one o'clock Jonas. Which doesn't happen. She's got alone time with the Jonas brothers. One o'clock is a weird anomaly.

It's where it turns around from the quiet morning period. I mean, it starts to go up, but one o'clock's where it goes above average. There's a spike there at one o'clock. So you don't be ashamed. You're not the only one. I'm not ashamed. It just doesn't happen. Well, for New Year's resolution.

I mean, I appreciate all the Nick Jonas pictures people send me. They're very nice. Megan, you literally told us. I'm a big fan. No, I did not. As if I would...

No, I did not. I think you did. I think you did, but also in my mind does this thing where if something's said enough, it just creates the memory. Yeah, same. Like those fake memories you've got where you think you were somewhere,

but you weren't. You've just heard the story, so you've put yourself in it. Something that's called narcissism. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. Okay. There's other, there's lots of other. It's really, really interesting.

Not a lot of it can be. Definitely not that by the sound of that noise. They've got categories viewed the shortest. So this is the amazing thing. They've got so much, so many stats. So someone was like, oh, okay. No. No, I think someone was like, oh, okay.

Okay. Like they enjoyed it too much. Right. But then, yeah, categories viewed by the... You can't tell us what that category is? I can't tell you the category viewed by the shortest. No. But I can tell you the category viewed by the longest isn't...

Can you just show me? Because I need to know. Okay, you've both made that noise. Let's just say they sell them at a stationery store. Yeah. Okay. I need to know now. What is it? Good Lord. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I need to know now, what is it?

Good Lord. Okay. Yeah. Seven minutes, 23. It's down 21 seconds, so it must have been a great year for that. Good vintage. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast.