ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Best Of 2019 Podcast - Vaughan

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

The best of Vaughan in 2019.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

ZM's Flesh, Vaughan and Meakin The best of Vaughan podcast Well and the birthday wishes continue next For Vaughan Because producer James If you could come in and just Pull up the curtain here Vaughan's surprise is right outside the window

Alright the curtain is going up You can see Kate and Justin Alright, the curtain is going up. You can see Kate and Justin, they're from F45 Auckland CBD. Justin is the head trainer at... I don't have to do it for 45 minutes, right? You are going to be taking part in six stations, 45 seconds on, 15 seconds off, and you're going up against head trainer Justin. But I don't... What's the competition?

Why do I need to go up against Justin? You love... You're always going on about F45. Don't knock it till you try it, sweetheart. So today you're trying it. Okay, champ. And you've got to tell everybody that you're doing this on Instagram.

No, I don't. Because how will people know that you've done F45? I'm about to disprove the urban legend that you can't do F45 without Instagramming about it. You might love it. I don't think I will. I had this worked out because last night Caitlin's like, hey, everybody, in the group chat.

Hi, everybody. Can everyone just bring their act of wear tomorrow? Gary's doing a secret sound video. I knew about your surprise and I was like, oh man, we have to bring our actor. And Kayla's like, no, I'm just telling Vaughn. I was like, oh, so you fooled me and not Vaughn. Probably just shows her the most gullible on the show, to be honest.

How high def's the video? Because there's some stains on those pants. I did weed eating in them. See, you've got a weed eater. I need a weed eater now too Okay we'll go get changed Alright and then next As Vaughn's present

F45 I've only got one pair of undies though I'm gonna get sweaty undies I have to wear sweaty undies For the rest of the day Just free ball it For the rest of the day It's your birthday

Should I free ball F45 No Because that's what the F stands for No Free ball 45 Or should I free ball The rest of the day They've come in to do this for free.

You don't need to show them your balls. No, these are long shorts. If my balls hang at the bottom of that. You've got a problem. Well, you've got it. You're a year older. I am getting older. All right.

All right. Well, you get changed. Preferably in a closed area. I was just going to get changed right here. And then we'll come back next with Vaughan's F45 birthday gift. And today is Vaughan's birthday. So we got him a present, didn't we, Megan? We did.

We're actually, we can see you through the window, Fletch. We have set up an F45 makeshift gym outside. And today Vaughan is going to be participating in, it's only six stations. But this is the head trainer, in, it's only six stations. Yeah. But this is the head trainer, Justin, from F45 Auckland CBD. So I think he's going to put you through your paces. You're all quiet now, Vaughan. Well, I don't like it when my shit talking comes back to bite me in the ass.

Because you're always on F45. You're always posting on Instagram. You can't even look at them. No, I know. Everybody shook their hands. I met them. God, I've almost fallen over a kettlebell. The stations that worry me are the stations with nothing.

Because that means one of them's a burpee station, and I hate them. They're the bloody worst. Is one of them a burpee station? Yes. God damn it. Did you find out what F means? What does F mean?

Functional. Functional, yes. Functional, yep, functional. Right, okay. And ask if there's a rule about posting on Instagram. Is there some sort of like discount if people post on Instagram after F45? If they can make it through a session, then I'm sure we can sort something out. Right, okay.

Right, okay. They can make it through. They post the pic. Right. Justin, just before we start and you tell us what we're going to do, how hard have you made this today? Very hard. Oh, but.

Because you're head trainer. There's only six stations. Would you find this, like, would you be puffed at the end of this? Yeah, I'm going to be. Are you doing it with? Are we doing it together? Yeah, it's a challenge. It's a challenge.

It's about the F45. The F stands for family, man. You've got the guns out, Vaughn. Well, I got handed a... I don't give it an F45 sleeveless tee. I don't wear sleeveless tees. It suits you. You almost did that with a straight face.

That was really, really mean. You're welcome. Happy birthday. Okay. Okay. Should we do this then? All right. Okay.

Let's do this. It's a little bit too... When you say 45, is it 45 seconds? So it's 45 seconds on, 15 seconds off. And it's the whole session for 45 minutes. So it's 45 all round. There you go. Oh, God.

Okay. So lots of 45s. Right. So I think you guys... But we're only doing six. No, yeah, we're only doing six. And I'll probably just tap into a song if I get bored. Okay.

Because I'll judge how it's going. Okay. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Okay. Okay. So I think, yeah, we'll just kick it off and I can explain. Ross Boss is here to join me.

He's very fit. Come on, Ross. I can take you through exactly what each station is as he's doing it. Okay. Okay. That sounds great. We don't even have any music for you. Oh, we do have music.

Don't. Okay. Should I take the headphones out or are these going to affect my ability to do this stuff? I don't know have any music for you. Oh, we do have music. Don't, okay. Should I take the headphones out or are these gonna affect my ability to do this stuff? I don't know. I've found a great gym track. Okay. I can handle this.

Yup. Darude, Sandstorm, yup. Okay. Kate, I think we're ready to kick it off. Kate's on timer today. Station one. We have lateral shoot through. Oh, this looks like a bear claw, Megan.

Making sure both hands are on the ground. Getting that hip to grab the bar. It's called a lateral shoot through. Yeah. Oh, okay. Basically, you have to put hands on the ground and switch your legs over or something. I don't even know if my hips do that anymore. Okay, we're going to find out.

All right, next one is a box jump down to a burpee. Oh, God. No, I'm tired. I'm tired. A box jump and a burpee. Yeah. So when Justin jumps up on the box, you're going to be doing your burpee. When he goes down to his burpee, you're...

We'll crash. We'll crash. I'll crash into him. And I will come off second best. It's like a rusty old van running into a truck. Three, you've got kettlebell swings. So with this one, just making sure you're hinging from the hips. Just a casual 16kg kettlebell.

Generally keep the kettlebell a little bit further away from my own kettlebells. Justin's almost rubbing his against the kettlebell. I go lower. Maybe that's the trick. I don't want an accidental miss. Yeah. Right. Take out the old bell. You've lower. Maybe that's the trick. I don't want an accidental miss. Yeah. Right. Take out the old fella.

You've already had a couple of kids though, so. Station number four. All right, station number four, we've got some sweet tuck jumps. So making sure you're getting your knees up nice and high. Wow, shit, Justin jumps high. He jumps so high. It's real high.

That's the height I need to be going. It's like a metre and a half high. In station 5A, we've got push-up and clap. So you guys are going to be partners with this one. So you again have to keep up with it and make sure. So it's what you see. I'll meet you every second clap. When people do push-ups and then they're in front of each other

and they do like a high five. Good times. This one here, station 6, we have a sandbag clean. So this one here, just grabbing those front handles there. Yep. Up and over. That's right. Down to the ground.

You look so dainty. Great technique. I've got great technique for this. All in the wrist. Okay. All right. Shall we kick it off then? Okay.

Do we need a countdown? Three, two, one. Go! Okay, so at the moment, Justin's going twice or three times the speed of Vaughn in these hip swing things. Why should I be feeling this, Justin? I'm feeling it. Are we hip? Well, you can see Vaughan attempting to do F45 on our Instagram. I am kicking, Justin.

FEMZM, and we'll come back next. Hip on the ground. And see how he did. As Vaughan finishes his F45 birthday present, Megan, he's on his last set now. He's jumping in the air. He's actually started off jumping really high, Megan, he's on his last set now. He's jumping in the air. He's actually started jumping really high, but now he's faltering.

Justin, stop! How long left? Oh, we're done. How was it, Vaughan? It was very tiring. You only did six of them. Coming back into the studio Cheers, thank you

Excellent You alright mate? Yeah Now do you have anything to say Because you always bag an Audi 45 And you look great in the singlet You look great in the singlet Thanks

I knew it was going to be hard I was never under any impression it was easy But What about the camaraderie? There's lots of like, you know, like hand clapping and like high-fiving. It felt a lot like that. There was a lot of... Yeah, right.

Because I would just go to the gym by myself. Yeah. And every now and then I'd be like... Pat on the shoulder. Good work, mate. Yeah. Let's hit the showers. That's what I said to myself.

Well, you'll be pleased to know they've got some vouchers for her, some free passes for you as well. That is great. So thank you to the team from F45 for coming in as well. But of course, we are your friends. So we thought we'd actually give you a physical gift. An actual present. Yeah.

I'd like to open this. Guys, oh, the gifts just keep coming. Do I read the card first? Just open it, I think. Just open the present. Just open it. Okay. I don't want to give anything away.

It's a lovely wooden box. I'd call that a bamboo box, wouldn't you? Because I care about you, you know? Like, that was the joke. Guys. Wow. You've got me crystals. This is so

thoughtful. Are these come charged? Because it was a full moon last night. Now we've got your little card there which explains these crystals because we know that you do love charging your crystals. Happy birthday Vaughan. What would a birthday be without some mystical gemstones? I've pulled together the best of the rocks

for you. This is from Rock Sarah from Rock Remedy. Yeah. Obsidian. This is this black stone, which I think is very pretty. A stone to remove the negativity from your heart.

Sarah does know you. Never really consider myself an overly negative person of the heart. Oh, really? Rose quartz is a pretty stone to fill it up with good feels, you grumpy bastard. That one's very pretty, that pink.

Yeah. Pink's very pretty. Amethyst. Oh, which one's that one? Is that the purple, I believe? Yeah, amethyst is purple. It's sparkly. That might be amethyst. What is that for? Sodalite is the blue stone. Oh,yst is purple. It's sparkly. That might be amethyst.

What is that for? Sodalite is the blue stone. Oh, this is sodalite. It's a calming stone. I think I put that on my forehead and it just calms me. The vibrations calm you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Clear quartz.

This is small enough to keep in my pocket. That's nice. So now you can have gems wherever you go. Sending positive vibes your way. You need it. Mystery rock. I thought that was a lolly and I really wanted to eat it for a moment. There's a mystery rock.

That looks like the one I have in the back left of my house for prosperity and wealth. Shut up. How's that going? Look at me, I'm wealthy as. You're life rich. You are welcome and do you know what else? Well, M45 and crystals, guys. What more could a guy who has talked endless amounts of shit on both of those topics ever need?

And do you know what the great news is? Full moon tonight. Yeah. Get those crystals out. I will. I'll charge them. It's a full moon, especially for your birthday. Thanks, guys.

No worries. No, there's no doubt in me, these are very pretty. Yeah. But they don't do anything. Like, these are decorative. Yeah. You could have it. Well, this is like you saying...

Thank you. I like it. No, no, I like it. This is like saying, thank you for this cake, but it's high in calories. Yeah, thank you, Sarah, from Rock Remedy. No, no, I see it. I gave her her plug. Rock Remedy.

Very pretty. And it is. It's very nice. She's got lovely handwriting. She's got a wax seal with some moons on it there, which is all you need to be qualified in this. You are such a bitch. No, these are very pretty.

I do agree. They're very pretty rocks. But magically no different to a piece of gravel that makes up the road you're driving on. If you come to work positive tomorrow, we'll know why. It'll be because of this rose quartz. Bleach, Mauna, Megan, just before we get to fact of the day, would you like to tell people about your rash?

No, no, no, really. That was something I was pretty happy just to, um, keep amongst ourselves. It's a weird one. That's the rashy one. I know, but that's why this is weird. I'm just worried that that's not... Show me. No, because you've got one up there as well. Where? Oh my god, there's more there. Okay, no, seriously. It's all

around your back. It's on your back. Oh my god. It's all on your back. I'm not even joking. It's on your back. My back has been itchy. Lift up your shirt on the back. Oh, okay. It's a little bit on your back.

What? Oh, my God. Sorry. Because I don't get rashy. I never get. My skin's like leather. It's very. Have you been bitten?

Hard wearing. No, but it doesn't look bitey. It might be. Because the other day when I was outside, I was... Don't touch it. I may have been bitten by something. Don't touch me. Oh, no, don't worry.

Oh, no. It's fine. Don't worry about it. We're in our little incubator with you. It's fine. Is it itchy? Is this a great time to tell you my parents were anti-vaxxers? How do you guys feel about contagious diseases?

Obviously not, no. Okay, well, we can move on now if you're happy. Okay, yep. I mean, it's hard on the radio. People can't see it. Yeah, but I mean, they probably have a really bad picture in their mind given by the outlandish reactions you both had to it. So on Friday, I showed two close friends a rash that I had

that I wasn't concerned about, although it was actually causing me some discomfort. They reacted being like, oh, gross. Originally, you thought it was just a little rashy spot on your front. And when you lifted up your shirt and turned around, I think what you'll find is actually we had concern. Spread all around the back. For your well-being because it had spread. You said, oh, you'd been clearing some weeds or some stuff.

Yeah, and I thought I'd rubbed against something. Yeah, which made sense. Then give them a reaction. But then when I saw how much of it, I was like, oh, I'd get that checked out. And then on Friday when I showed you, I also noticed it was just a slight. Sorry, we shouldn't react like that. You're our friend. So at the weekend, I went to my parents' place.

And by the way, your mum will treat you like she's your mum and you're her son forever, I think. Yeah. So she's like, what's wrong? Give me a look. Oh, oh, God, I've got some cream. That's what they always say. I've got some cream for that.

I've got some cream for the Savlon. From the 80s. I know. I was really surprised when she brought. I've got some cream for the Savlon. From the 80s. I know. I was really surprised when she brought out a cream of stuff that wasn't Savlon. Right. She had a bit of that. I put that on. It kind of stopped the itching for a bit.

And then she's like, it doesn't look right, though, does it? We'll send a photo to your brother. Because my brother's a pharmacist. Oh, yeah. And we'll also, and Sade's like, I'll take a photo and send it to mum. Because Sade's mum is a nurse. Yeah. And so pretty much at the same time, we both got back. And we'll also, and Sade's like, I'll take a photo and send it to mum because Sade's mum is a nurse. Yep. And so pretty much at the same time, we both got back,

bing, bing, messages, that's shingles. And then I looked up shingles and saw a photo of shingles. I was like, oh, yeah, that's exactly what I've got growing on me. I've Googled as well because when you told us that it's shingles, I had to Google immediately to see if we were at risk, if you'd put us at risk. If there was a contagious element to it. No one is an over 50s

thing. Yeah, older people get it. But then you reminded, and I had completely forgotten. No, because you two were like, oh my gosh, so much concern for Vaughn on our group chat. You're like, oh my god, guys, pity me. Look what I've got. Oh, I'm so sick. And Fleek's just like, oh wow, that's really awful. And I was like, are we god, guys, pity me. Look what I've got. Oh, I'm so sick. And Fletcher's like, oh wow,

that's really awful. And I was like, are we all forgetting the time you put me in quarantine not even two years ago when we were in Queenstown. You put me in quarantine because I got shingles. Do you remember? The endless teasing. Again, it kind of rings a bell. Don't touch me.

Again, it's an over 50s thing and you two have both had it. I know. Like, what is going on? Because it's when your immune system, like, you get sick. Compromised, yeah. Because that's it. Before you get the rash, you get the coldy, flu-y symptoms. And, yeah, I had a day off the week before because I just felt, like, rubbish.

Like, I had sore neck and headaches and everything. And when, oh, you didn't go to the doctor, but when I went to the doctor, they said, are you stressed? I was like, um, not really. I don't have a stressful job. But then I've been to a doctor before and he's like, are you stressed? I'm like, no. And then he asked me all these questions and he's like, well, you are.

I was like, oh, I didn't know that. Sometimes you don't know if you're stressed. And it could just be the fact that you're not getting enough sleep or something's worrying you. Stress manifests itself in heaps of different ways. But apparently, yeah, this is like when you run down and you're stressed. Oh, you don't show us again. Is it on your back? So I read that it's got worse on the back.

So I read that if you pop the blisters, it would be contagious. Oh, really? Well, that little, I'm not going to. But yeah, don't, just make sure it's scabbed over and then we're safe, Megan. It's one of those ones that's itchy, but you know if you itch, you're going to be in big trouble. Oh, yeah. So yeah, what I'm trying to say here is I don't have any sympathy for you. Because that time you put Megan in quarantine?

I couldn't even remember you having shingles until you brought that up. So I guess it's true what they say about bullying. Always sticks with the bullied more than the bullier. Yeah. And I guess there's a lesson to be learned here. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's there somewhere. Yeah. Okay.

Just, I guess, a public service warning there if you see Vaughn, just keep a good distance. Hold on, I'm just going to wait. I'm just going to wait. I'm just going to wait. Hold on. Wait a minute. Yes. Thank you. Someone messaged in.

You just need some pine tassel. Pine tassel or whatever. That's apparently. Dad, because my dad had shingles and he's like, oh, don't tell people you've got shingles. Everyone's got a remedy. And it's always pine tassel or something. What is pine tassel?

I don't know. It's like a special soap. I had a flatmate had it in the shower once and it smelled always pine tassel or something. What is pine tassel? I don't know. It's like a special soap. I had a flatmate had it in the shower once and it smelled like pine needles. It was real cool. It smelled like pine needles. But then it's like real dark, hey, like orange or something. Is this for a chicken pox, eh?

I'm not sure. Actually, yeah, because remember when I had an adult chicken pox, I think I had to get that. Yeah. Yeah. What is wrong with us? Yeah. Someone said you're lucky you're well enough to be at work.

I know people that have had it and been very sick. I blame anti-vaxxers. This is totally my excuse for a week off. I've really dropped the ball here. It's too late. You've come in already. Oh, but I'm... Oh, it's getting so much worse.

No. Help. You're not pulling that on us. Help. You know, this morning, guys, I had a run-in. I had a run-in with the Lord pre-work. Okay. Now, I'm driving to work, and I was quite peckish this morning.

I don't know why I was more peckish this morning than other mornings. Usually, I eat breakfast at work. Okay. But on this morning, I did the classic school thing of eating my lunch at play lunch. Because I was hungry. And I was eating my lunch at Play Lunch because I was hungry. And I was eating. Granted, it was the last stretch towards work. So I was off the motorway I was on and in a city street.

There's a few traffic lights down. I'm talking Nelson Street for those familiar with Auckland CBD. But otherwise, just imagine a straight street with traffic lights every 200 metres. Okay. So you're eating your breakfast in the car. There's four sets of traffic lights in an 800 metre gap. It's ridiculous. It's too many.

I mean, get the council on the phone. How can we streamline this? Get rid of the bike lane. That's not my thoughts but people love saying that. So I was eating while stopped at the traffic lights and then while advancing through to the next traffic lights, I was staring with my knees. Okay.

And I was eating. Yeah, because I mix at the start of the week. I make five cold Bershom muesli mixes and freeze them and then take them out of the freezer the afternoon before I need them. Right. It's an easy way to not end up eating a huge salmon bagel from across the road every day for breakfast and putting on untold kgs from that bready bread. And so I was eating out of the container, driving with my knees, and I look just out of the right-hand side. I just catch a glimmer of white. And I look, and the glimmer of white is indeed a police vehicle.

Brilliant. And I think, oh, just don't make a big deal out of it. Just keep acting natural. So I kept eating whilst driving with my knees. And then I look again and the police officer is ushering for me to wind down my window.

Oh my god. The universal sign of, you know, even though everyone's got, like, electric windows, you do the wind down. Yeah, yeah. Motion. So I push the button and the window goes down and I'm like, hi.

And he says, morning. I don't know what's more disappointing. So I'm like, here's a list. This sounds like a sit down with mum. I don't know what's more disappointing. This sounds like a sit down with mum. I don't know. What's more disappointing? The fact that you're driving and eating and don't have a single hand on the steering wheel or the fact that you should be on the radio right now.

And he turned up the radio and there was one of our highlights packages. Because if you're never up that early between five and six, it's a repeat of stuff we've done on a previous day. And I was like, ha ha a it's a repeat of stuff we've done on a previous day yeah and i was like haha that's a highlights that's a highlights package so it's you should definitely be more disappointed in the fact i'm eating and driving which i don't know why i said that i should have just been like both both are disappointing and i'm sorry to have disappointed you officer of the law but i said that's a highlights package that every day. So you should be more disappointed that I'm driving and eating.

And he laughed, which I was like, phew, no ticket. You should have said, if you do the boop, I will stop eating. I will stop eating. But you got to do the boo anyway the other day. In Christ's name. I know. You're already done. I've been spoiled.

I shouldn't be allowed to do two boop boop in the same week. And then he sat there for a bit and I said he laughed. And then I was like, okay, we're good. And he said, you still haven't put your food down. I said, oh, okay, I'll just put it down. I put it down very slowly, but no ticket. But they've got my number, I reckon. Yeah.

Brilliant. Yeah. So thanks for listening, though. I will say to the officer of the New Zealand Police Force, thanks so much for listening to the show. But God, no, we already start early enough. We're not actually at work that early talking. No.

No, that's madness. The rest of us do have respect for the law. It's just born. No, I've got respect. I've got respect for the law. I put down the food when he asked me to. But did you eat it when he turned away and drove off? Oh, yeah, because I got to another red light.

So I figured it was just while in transit he had the problem. Yeah. Went to my nephew's birthday party at the weekend. It was at, do you remember that place where you used to go and play indoor cricket? Yeah. Action indoor sports or something. Yeah.

Yeah. It's the weekend they pull out these inflatable things and they have like an inflatable world there. Okay. Crazy, right? Okay, so I guess it's just utilising other space. Yeah, yeah, totally. Totally get it.

And it's like the perfect place for it. But I'm pretty sure this is an inflatable world. I don't know where sports happens. I don't know if I'd want to be playing indoor cricket or netball and find a ration like stomped into the oh no you don't let eight in there oh okay that's just where you play right anyway when we arrived the girls were like we're going in and i was like i'll come with to supervise okay um so and i went and i saw my nephew i was like henry and i grabbed him and i was like happy birthday mate and he was like, gorilla strength. And he

I don't know why. And he wrapped around my arm with like quite an immense amount of power. So I lifted him up and then this little girl comes up and she's like, and starts punching me in the leg. And I was like, ah, I don't know you.

And I said to Henry, who's your mate? And he's like, I don't know. Which I't i don't know you and i said to henry who's your mate and he's like i don't know which i just write off as an excited kid can't be bothered explaining who this person is right and then um she bit me she went like on my leg where she was punching she bit me what and i was like oh hey hey hey whoa whoa no biting no no biting and i. What? And I was like, oh, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, no biting, no biting. And I put Henry down and I was like, who is this? And he's like, oh, I don't know her name. And I was like, what's your name? And then she

runs off and he chases her. So I'm like, well, I don't know. I've not seen this kid, but I'm not familiar with all his friends. Yeah. And their family friends. Yeah. And I was like, that's weird. So then I see John, my brother-in-law, Henry's dad, and I say, hey,

who's this, who's this kid there? And like pointed her out and he's like, oh, I don't know. It's a rogue one. Assume she's a friend

from kindy or something. Right. And I was like, oh, okay, okay, that's cool. And then they go around

and then she comes up and she whacks me again and then, I said, oh, she bit me before and John said comes up and she whacks me again. Are you allowed to at this stage? She bit me before and John said, yeah, she bit me too. What? I was like, which one's a parent? Like, I feel like we should say something.

Like, your kid's kind of biting us. Thus, she probably will be biting other children. And anyway, it came to the point where they'd been running around for a while. I'd been bitten. John had been bit and punched multiple times by this kid. Bit of rough housing. I was like, okay, they're just excited they're in this inflatable world. And then she got knocked over and she started crying.

And John's – yeah, I know, it was a bit sweet. I was like, no. Do I teach you? I'm going to bite you now. And she got – Henry was running past her and knocked her over. And John's like, careful, you've got you? I'm going to bite you now. And she got up. Henry was running past her and knocked her over. And she was like, careful. You've got to be nice.

It's your birthday party. You know, this is your friend. And she brought you a present. And Henry's like, no, she didn't. I don't know who that is. I was like, is this not your friend? He's like, never seen her before in my life. Was she following a kid?

I was like, what's going on? And then, so I followed her. Yep. Wanting to know what the answer was. And her dad and mum had been, like, playing sports in the one court not being used by the – and they'd obviously just said, just go in there. And so she was, like, tearing around, biting people. Did he say something to them?

No, because she, like, ran over to them and they were like, all right, let's go. And they were gone. And I was like – I would have been like, she bit me. She bit me. She bit me, by I would have been like, she bit me. She bit me. She bit me, by the way. You're going to bit me. But then there's that moment where you realise you're telling on like a five-year-old.

Yeah. Yeah. But it was weird. But do you know what? It's not the first time I've been bitten in that neighbourhood. Remember that time that we got like attacked by those street kids and they bit me? And I had to go and get all the tests. Yeah.

But they were old enough to know better. Well, I would argue that this child was old enough to know better. They'd lost a tooth, either from biting or from the natural thing that happens when you're a child and you lose a tooth. Born. Speaking. Over the weekend, I hate to go on about it, but it was my husband's birthday and I posted a lovely collage.

Collage, yes, it was a collage. Thank you. Yeah, I could have done a carousel, but I chose to do a collage, okay? People are like, you know that you can put multiple pictures on and scroll through. Yes, thank you.

I know that. I feel like sometimes people don't scroll though. I know. I was like, I just wanted to do one picture that had lots of pictures in it. I liked it. That's called a collage.

Yeah. Very old school. I have a bone to pick with Vaughn, though, regarding this Instagram post. Okay. So. I know what this is going to be. I think I know what this is going to be. There is a comment from Vaughn on this post.

And might I add, it doesn't actually say happy birthday anywhere in this comment. Well, you don't have to because you've liked the photo that's acknowledging the birthday. That's enough. And you didn't have to, Fletch, because you came to the party.

Like, if you come to the party, you don't have to. That's right, actually. I did not. I actually feel bad about that. I shook Mr. Toyboy's hand and said, happy birthday, mate.

And you came along. Well, neither came. I actually have a bottle of whiskey for Mr. Toyboy, though. Oh, bless. I did buy it. It's not expensive. Don't try and came. I actually have a bottle of whiskey for Mr. Toyboy though. Oh, bless. I did buy it. It's not expensive. Don't try and make this. It's definitely mix it with coke whiskey. It's not drinking by itself whiskey. Don't get too excited.

And it's just a little of one. Don't try and soften this. Because you posted, you commented on this post and I'll read it to you. It says, and again nowhere in this does it say happy birthday. Vaughn. Mr. Toyboy can hire a car.

Oh, my Lord, they grow up so fast. Which I was like, yeah. Because he just turned 25. Yeah. And cheaper car insurance, so that's great. Not factually untrue. It's correct. And I was like, huh.

Classic. Like nothing that we don't hear all the time on the radio, right? Like typical Vaughn stuff. I was like, huh. Classic. Like nothing that we don't hear all the time on the radio, right? Like typical Vaughn stuff. I was like, huh. So on my end, at the same time, this is what's happening. It was when my dad was up. We had a big day, a 12 hour day of

hard labour, which I've been going on about as much as Megan has been going on about Toyboy's birthday. But you know, Saturday was a big day for everybody. And I just saw it and I was like, oh, that's a nice collage. Yeah. I actually said collage. Yeah. And I made the comment and then I literally put my phone down

on the kitchen bench and outside I went to do my work. Because I know my dad doesn't like doing work. If you've got a phone, because I'm looking and he's like, oh, he's like, he's like put the phone down get to it there's work to be done yeah and yeah so i saw the comment and was like mildly amused as per usual come back later to um well what now has 908 likes the comment alone and multiple um replies to vaughn's comment yeah when I came in later in the day and opened it up, and it was like, oh, what have I done?

You knew you were going to be in trouble. I did actually message Megan saying, do you want me to delete this? Because I didn't think it would hijack the post. And in my defense, I said, no, don't worry about it. No, no, it's fine. Yeah. But I'm a little bit disappointed in everyone

because someone said, Vaughn wins the internet today. But I'm a little bit disappointed in everyone because someone said, if one wins the internet today, that comment made me spit my coffee. He cracks me up. This is so good. Oh my God, insurance just got cheaper. That's so great. Haha, I was,

so many people tagging in their mates being like, this is the funniest thing I've seen all day. It's good for the ego. Come on, really? Did you go on the internet that day? To be honest, it was these comments that made me message Megan and be like, I'll delete it if you want. Because she doesn't like, doesn't want that.

And plus I screen capped all the nice ones. Did you? Yeah, right in my low moments. I don't need it to be there anymore. I was going to reply, but I'm like, no, I don't want to. It's so. I don't need to start. Yeah, I didn't.

Because I don't like hijacking posts. But you did. But it to. It's so. I don't need to start that. Yeah, I didn't. Because I don't like hijacking posts. But you did. But it did. It happens. But has he ever had his, when you go away, do you have to put your name down to rent the car? Yeah. Yeah, every time.

But now he'll be able to do it. Yeah, I mean, again, I said it's not factually untrue. And how much has your insurance premiums dropped by? Why am I going to call them today? I forgot yesterday. Oh, yeah, get on them too. Because that's the thing. They don't put the price down.

Oh, no. They don't contact you. They've got his birth date. They know how old he is, but they don't say, hey, we'll put it down. Yeah, if you've just gone like, if you're just 25, 26, you bring them up. Because they don't put them down. They're cheeky buggers. Yeah.

Do it when you've not got anything planned, because insurance companies. Oh, I spent eight hours on the phone. Yeah, there's a bit of Holder. There's a bit of Dave Dobbin on Hold. A lot of Dave Dobbin. They keep pumping like, call me loyalist. Like, don't try to trick me into being loyal. I know I can shop around my insurance and get the best deal. Yeah. Six years ago

today, the show almost underwent a big change. It almost had a rebrand. This was before Megan was in the title. I mean I was there but my name wasn't in the show. You came in later. I mean I was there for four years but my

name wasn't in the show. But then you left for a bit. So we put the name in the show and then you left for a bit. Yeah but you were a flight risk. Only because my name wasn't in the show. I mean, I'm not bitter about it or anything. Well, it's in there now and, I mean, you could say it's not going as well.

Well, and then you're hooked up with a man 10 years younger than you and then you're flight risk. Yeah, we were like, oh, she'll be living in South Africa this time next year. Flight risk. We can't put her name in the show. Well, it was just popped up in my Facebook memories when I was sitting at a computer. We must have had photos taken for work. And this was when, so six years ago.

So what's Indy's going to be eight in February. Right. So she was just under two. Yeah. Like one and a half-ish, but more. And she came in and started pointing at the people on the screen. And back in the day when Instagram videos could only

be 15 seconds long. Oh, R.I.P. I was like, man, I wish that video was longer. And that was when the show almost got renamed Daddy and Butch. Who's that? This is Daddy. And who's this?

Butch. Who's that? Who's this? Butch. Butch. Who's that? Diddy. Who's that? Diddy and Butch. That's Butch. Butch.

Butch. She's not wrong. Butch and Vaughn. Oh, she couldn't be more wrong. Mask and Vaughn. Butch, Mask and Vaughn. She might have been calling you bitch. That would be more accurate.

Probably. Bitch and Morn. Bitch and Morn and Megan. Bitch, Born and Megan. Bitch, Bjorn and Megan. Yeah. Wow, that was six years ago. God, I love Facebook memories.

Sometimes. Sometimes. No. Like, up until six years ago, like, when the kids starts real cute, but, like, when you get something that's nine years ago, you're like, probably too stuff's real cute, but like when you get something that's nine years ago, you're like, probably too late then. Yeah, exactly. Before Vaughn had children. He was a different man.

I've got a little, what? I was just going to say, do you need any kind of music for your big announcement? Some sort of emotional... What, like Coldplay emotional? You think by Michael Bolton? Michael Bolton? What do you mean? Or Kenny G. Like 80s clarinet based romantic.

That's not really big announcement music. I don't know. Were you imagining some sort of grand operatic? Yeah, I mean, I've got some. Presentation. I've just searched Kenny G. Yeah. I don't really know any of his songs. Did you get matching tattoos?

What? Did I just take the wind out of it? No, no. Oh. No, didn't get it. It's like, that's cute and romantic. You were right about this not quite being an announcement. This could be an announcement if a different sort of announcement.

Like if I was coming out, this would be it. Perfect. Because I'd want everyone to be relaxed. Should we just, should we bookmark this? For when I come out. For another day. Probably should tell your wife before you tell everybody. Oh, oh. I come out. For another day. Probably should tell your wife before you tell everybody. I'll give her a heads up.

She should be listening. Hey, Sade, make sure you listen. But this isn't my coming out. This isn't my coming out. What is happening? So at the end of last year, the Smiths moved. We moved rural. We went to get a bit more space.

Yeah. I'm so uncomfortable right now. Is it the Kenny G music? Maybe. Maybe it's the Kenny G. He just never misses a beat. If you've ever played a reed instrument, a woodwind. Very hard. Certainly appreciate the talent more, don't you?

Yeah, you should. Get a grasp for it. Just blow once into a saxophone or a clarinet and you're like, oh, this is wildly hard. How did Lisa Simpson do it? No wonder she needed that read for that recital in that episode where Homer let her down. So we

moved to the country, a bit more room, a bit more space. It was kind of where I wanted the girls to experience a little bit of what I experienced growing up. So we had a bit more room and Shada and I talked about it. We've been talking about it for a little while. And you've come out. No, I haven't come out. We thought, you know, we've got the room.

So on Friday we went and had it confirmed. Yeah. That we's a specialist and had confirmed that we will be adding to the family. What? Correct. What? Are you joking?

Nope. I'm not joking. We're expanding. We're expanding. We're expanding. The new member of the Smith family is a beautiful yellow rod on lawnmower. I'm making space. And I couldn't be happier.

I think you got Caitlin too. I was not falling for that this time. That's why I asked several times. He looked so genuine in his face. But this is. This isn't mucking around. You're so lucky you're far away from me. This isn't the drone.

This isn't the kids. This is a serious. This is like a new child to me. I went through such a wave of emotions. Like, how dare you not tell me beforehand. You should have been in the delivery room when we were deciding what model we wanted. You're such a dick. It was an emotional time.

You should have seen the girls when I said, we've got it, this is your new little brother, sister. And they said, are you serious? I said, yeah. Jump on, have a photo. I love it. I love it. So when am I allowed to come around and have a go on it?

Yes you are You shan't be engaging blades We've talked about this There's a How long before I can engage blades? There's a vigorous trading regime

to go through before you sit upon the Cub Cadet RZ1042SW Are you all commissioned on something? Oh that sounds so sexy No I'm not

I believe in Megan I went down the road of trying to get myself a free ride on Lormar I went down all the roads I went down the road of trying to get myself a free ride on Walmart. I went down all the roads. I went down John Deere Avenue. I went down Husqvarna Boulevard.

Those roads, they were unfruitful. But this wasn't. No, this is not a hashtag spawn. Right. This is a hashtag financed. Right. A hashtag credit. Yeah.

Hashtag thanks, Gen Visa. Again, that is not an endorsement for that either That is not hashtag Spawn But yeah tomorrow They're bringing it around And dropping it off Oh my god Very very excited

Maybe I'll come To come back with you Tomorrow after work Just wait for it to come Well maybe come Wednesday Give them time to settle Get their routine Yeah yeah yeah

Are you going to take You need to take like I'll take a quiche A lasagna Yeah yeah Because that's the thing. We're so short of time. Welcome the newborn.

New parents will be running off on feet, running around after the little fella. But again, you won't be engaging Blades. Can I be the godfather this time? Yes. Yes! We didn't have godfathers. I'm not paying for repairs, though.

Oh, you've got to chip in. Oh, my God. I can't. I'm not paying for repairs, though. Oh, you've got to chip in. Oh, my God. I can't. I'm just looking forward to Blades down. Hang on a sec. Your dad's texting me. He's fizzing. You aren't driving it before me, Fletch.

That's what he said. Because he's coming up this weekend. We know. I'm coming up before. He's like, don't mow all your lawns. He's like, don't mow all your lawns. I'm like, why not? He's like, because I want to do some.

I want to do some. Well, I want to do some too. But he can't engage the blades before me. He's got experience. He'll be able to engage blades. What is wrong with you, man? You're like actually fizzing over this. Hey, guess what?

What? It's got a trailer. They've got a trailer. We can do rides. They've got a trailer. We can do rides. We can do rides. Megan, do rides? We can do rides. Megan, if you're not excited, you don't get a ride.

I'm okay with it. But when someone's in the trailer, you're not to engage blades. But you're not engaging blades anyway. It's not blades down to you. Yeah, you can do the rides. This is great fun. No engaging blades for you yet, Kent. Well, this is great news.

Easily more excited than when I told him I was having children. I know. It wants to come around immediately. I was getting married he was like cool When I was having kids he's like okay Get a ride on Walmart He's like I'll be there I'm there Producer Caitlin you've got somebody for Swipe Me's

Lined up next Sorry I'm just trying to get over that's a really cool one If you don't want to ride then don't James do you want to come around and engage Blades? Yes, I would like to. I have engaged Blades before. Have you previously engaged Blades? Have you engaged Blades?

A long time ago. Listen to his voice. When I was a young boy. Of course he's engaged Blades. Yeah, see, you're not going to voice that deep by not engaging Blades. Like, actually, that's why his voice is so deep. Because he's done some time on a ride on. He put the Blades down, his voice went down.

Oh, there's hope for you two then. I know. Imagine if I put it down into like one and all of a sudden I'm like, hello, ladies. My God, what's happened to me? This is how I speak now. Wonderful outcome. God, I'm so excited to come around and ride on your lawnmower.

So I had to explain yesterday when I was driving home, I rung my parents and we were just having a bit of a chat and they said, we've been meaning to ask, on the TV show you're doing, have you been paying attention last week? Somebody said something and we don't know what it means. Which is always something you want to hear from your parents. But the show's on at 7.30, so it's not...

It's a family thing. It's like too risky. It's not going to be too racy. No. Yeah. So they said, this is when it happened. It was when Matilda was out. Yeah. And then there was the isn't she glowing? That was like the... Right. Matilda came

out asking questions. Isn't she glowing? She's pregnant. Yeah. And it was about... Probably the almond milk too. The Bachelor, bit of that. Definitely is. And she played us a clip of the Bachelor Vietnam. Now, it's quite a famous clip. It's where a girl gets chosen to get a rose, but she says, I can't accept this rose because I don't like you. I like one of the other bachelorettes on The Bachelor.

That's right. So see if you can. This is the clip. And see if you can see what's being said as we come out of the clip. Now, let's look at a famous moment from The Bachelor. That's right. So see if you can, this is the clip and see if you can say what's being said as we come out of the clip. Now let's look at a famous moment from The Bachelor Vietnam. Who's strafing the motorboat?

This was so strafing the motorboat. So when she goes up to the Bachelor contestant that she likes, she's on that back, you know, they make a little grandstand. She's on the back and she hugs her and her face goes right between the other contestant's breasts. And we said on the show, I thought, well, it was not going to be on mic, but I said straight in for the motorboat.

And then there was a bit of chat and then, yeah, she went straight in for the motorboats, there was a bit of chat and then yeah she went straight in for the motorboats that last bit that you can hear now mum and dad said they rewound this multiple times to try to catch what the word was that was being said so then I know what's being said because I remember it and

I thought I've got a choice to just denial knowledge or explain this so I said oh it was the word is motorboating. And they said, and I thought that would be them being like sufficient. Yeah, got it. Got it. What's motorboating?

That's what mum said. And I was just like, oh, I actually quite like making my mum uncomfortable. Like, I get this weird pleasure out of it. So I said, well, motorboating, mum, is where you put your head between somebody's breasts and go, like a motorboat. And she was like, oh, Vaughan. That's what she said. And dad was like, huh, Interesting that that's got a name So then I'm like

Has he seen it done before Yeah right Or partook I'm not exactly sure But I like to imagine He's got this little Group of mates That he sends text messages to

Yeah So I like to imagine That some stage Motorboating's gonna come up In his little lads chat On his On his Samsung With really big text

font for texting because it's quite hard to read when you don't have your reading glasses on you. So now my parents know what motorboating is. So that's great. It's like reverse when you're a kid asking your parents what words you use. Yeah.

At Christmas you can ask if they've Tartuk. Tried. If Ian's ever asked. But then they've, you know. I took. Yeah. Tried. If Ian's ever asked. But then it worries me, the answer I'm going to get. Yeah. I like being in control of the awkwardness, not being on the receiving end. Yeah. Much like a motorboat.

There are also an argument in studio about Vaughan's wife's upcoming birthday. No, it's bloody ages away. It's ages away. It's in February. It's ages away. But you said it's a birthday present. No, it's bloody ages away. It's ages away. It's in February. It's ages away. But you said it's a birthday present. No, Vaughn. She said it was a birthday present.

And so I was like, well, I can get on board with that present. You're really annoying me. This really is annoying me. So in the ongoing old McDonald farm that we've got going on, goats, sheep. You're getting chickens? Chickens, yeah. They're chicken coop. I put some, I think more dads are going on. Goats, sheep. You're getting chickens? Chickens, yeah. The chicken coop. I put some, um, I think my dad's going to be proud of me again.

I take a whole four posts and put a post in and then put them he said that it wouldn't need quick set concrete but I was scared the post was going to fall over so I put some concrete in the model. How big are these posts you're putting in for the chicken? You're not building a prisoner of war camp. Well I went and bought them the other day and the guy said to me, what are you putting in for the chicken? You're not building a prisoner of war camp. Well, I went and bought them the other day.

And the guy said to me, what are you building? He said, building like a big fence. I was like, oh, it's a chicken coop. He's like, what kind of chickens are there? And he's like, you're going like well overboard. You're buying fence posts, like proper horse fencing fence posts. Yeah, I do get carried away. I do get carried away. I can see that.

Could literally put like a bit of 4B, a long bit of 4B2 in the hole and concrete that in. Could have done that. Yep. And it's two and a half metres above the ground and another metre and a bit below the ground. There's some long posts because somebody said chickens can fly over. No, you clip their wings. How much do these posts cost each? No, they weren't too bad, actually.

I think they were like... What's too bad? They were like $25 each. How many did you buy? Five. Is that how much a post is? Yeah, for a bigger... Well, this isn't like a strain of posts.

This is just a post. Like a big round... Like a big round post. It looks like a tree, but without branches. Yeah. One of those. It's $125 on posts. I know, but I would have thought...

Yes, Megan, how much do eggs cost? It's called an investment. And then you get the chickens, and then they lay the eggs, and before you know it, you've saved $125. I can't believe, because I don't know how much posts cost, and wood and stuff. That's quite- I thought it would have been $100 for a post.

No, like if you get a real big one. If you get a real big one. Oh, okay. I didn't get any big. There were smaller ones. I've got a medium post. Medium. It's like you want to up-size your combo?

Yeah, did they give you the 50 cent upgrade? Did you get a toy? Sorry, I had to buy some nails as well, but because I don't claim to know, I'll give it a go, but I don't know much. Well, I bought the, because I saw the shiny nails, so I'm like, oh, those are nice because they're shiny. And a lady said, are these for outside?

I said, yes. And she's like, nah, mate, you want galvanized. Yeah, you want galvanized because they're rusted. Yeah, she's like, these are last five seconds. I know these ones. But I didn't know that these ones, like I know you go and she's like, nah, mate, you want gal. Yeah, you want galvanized because they're rusted. Yeah, she's like, these won't last five seconds. I know these ones. But I didn't know that these ones, like, I know you go for galvanized, but I thought these ones were just shiny, so they looked pretty, but apparently they're for inside.

God, you're a worry, an absolute. So what is your wife getting for her birthday? Well, so to get back to it, the chickens are being added, and we're also in the process of acquiring some miniature Highland cattle. I've seen photos that look so cute. I'm coming around

to pat them. They're real cute. Whose idea was this initially? Sade, we were at a local like,

AMP show at the CUMU and there was a lady there with a store for regular sized Highland cattle. Right. And they are real cute

and they can get really big horns and they're big and they're like orange and they look real funny. They've got shaggy hair. Yeah, they're real cute and Sade's like, oh my god, I love them. And the lady's like, well, we've got calves, we've got impregnant ones, we've got ones that are ready for the freezer. And Sade was like,

what did you say? She freaked out. She only thinks ugly cows should be eaten. And these are too cute. And I said, we don't have enough room. Because if you're going to get cows, you've got to get a couple because they get lonely. Oh, I didn't know this.

Because they're a herd creature. Any herd creature, you've got to have at least a couple so they don't get lonely. So I said, we don't have the room for two big ones. And I said, I know they make small ones, so we'll kind of keep an eye out. And then we've been keeping an eye out and we've tracked down some mini-its here. Right.

I ring an old mate like every day. He's like, you get out later. Send you some photos, but I'm not much cop on the old phone. I'll do my best. So Megan has an issue with this because she said this can be her early birthday present. Well, Sade said if we get them, it can be my Christmas and my birthday.

Because two. Yeah, good, because they're expensive, aren't they? Yeah, because I was just willing to, I just wanted to double down on goats and get more goats. But she wanted these. She won't have anything to do with them once we get them. No, but you're not against them. You are totally on board with this idea. Yeah, so I said that's your birthday and Christmas, like arranged, done, perfect, gift ticked off.

And this just came up before as part of the conversation about them. You, that's a mutual acquisition for your household. We've spoken about this before. You can't attribute that to a birthday present. Okay, Christmas maybe. Also, her birthday's in February. That's ages away. She agreed to it, Megan.

It's signed off. Also, she got to spend all the flyby points on one of those new Dysons. I didn't get to spend any of the flyby points, so that vacuum's going on her Christmas present too. Actually, we've got an anniversary in November. The vacuum cleaner can be the anniversary present. Those were mutually acquired flyby points. Last time I had a go at you talking about vacuuming,

someone had a go at me for, yeah., someone had a go at me for yeah. So vacuum anniversary, tick, done. One cow, Christmas, tick, done. Second cow, birthday, tick, done. Oh my god, how sad is that? I'm good for a year. But that sounds real sad, like what did you get for Christmas? A cow.

And a vacuum cleaner. Which you will also use. It's a household acquisition. I'm not allowed to use the vacuum cleaner. Which you will also use. It's a household acquisition. I'm not allowed to use the vacuum cleaner. Yeah, but that's for the household. You can't, like, give that to her as a present. She was, like, fizzing about it. Like, she's not even a Dyson influencer,

and she was fizzing about the Dyson. Right. Okay. And fizzing. So when you're getting these miniature cows, can I come around? Do you put a saddle on them? Because I want to sing Old Town Road and ride them.

That'd be so funny and real cute for Instagram. You wouldn't even need a saddle. They're so small you could like stand over top of them and hold their little horns as a steering wheel. But no weight on their back. They dress you up as a cowboy. Absolutely. They're not meant

to be, you know, you don't put weight on them. He's calling you fat. He's calling me fat, isn't he? Oh no, any amount of weight. But you are fat, but any amount of weight, like even if you were skinny. You've got quite a husky front, so even if you weren't

as fat. So I'm not allowed to ride the cows, great. No one's allowed to ride the cows. Well, I'm done trying to help you with your relationship. You just give that to her as a present. Go on, mate. I'm just testing the waters on these things. See how it goes. I had my high school

reunion on Saturday night, Saturday night just gone, in the weekend. I would not go to a high school reunion. I'm really surprised you went. That's what I was like, joking to people about how much I hate people there and how this took a lot. And how it would be so many like

combos like catch up. But actually I did really well. I talked to lots of, because I could have just stuck with the people I'm still like really good friends with and talked to them, but I talked to like lots of people, yeah. Oh, good on you. I talked to some dudes more on Saturday night than I talked to in the entire time at high school.

Is it because you have a TV show now so So you can be like, I'm real successful. I've got a TV show. It is. Oh, bring yourself. Stop that. Stop that. No. Because you know I know.

What have you been doing? You don't start. What have you been doing? Absolutely not. Well, I've got a TV show now. No. That never ever happens. Did you talk to any of them about your show?

No. Do you know Ursula Carlson? I'm doing a TV show with her. Don't. Wait. Don't. I would never say that. It's not even funny to joke about.

I know. But that's why it's funny to wind you up. I've traded up posters. Yeah. Is that what this is? This is a jealousy issue. Is that why you're...

Well, you do go on about how funny Ursula is, but that's fine. You go on about it more than I do. Yeah, Megan. She's always on about it. Yep. Maybe, um about it. Yep.

Maybe, just a thought, maybe your show people would like to come to the cafe and hang out and maybe bring Ursula. Yeah, bring Ursula. That's Megan. Yeah, yeah. Like three times a week. But how cool did I play it when she came in? Oh, you played it pretty cool.

Super cool. Yeah, I was like, because she could lose it, but you didn't. So you're at this reunion going around telling everybody, right? Charlie, you're bringing back cool. Yeah, I was like, because she could lose it, but you didn't. So you're at this reunion going around telling everybody you're great. I remember, I was not! We've hit a hot button

and we're keeping on going. I don't want people to think that. I know. It's not happened. Not like that. So, I'm very much not like that. So, I went around and I was talking to lots of people

and I remember everybody. When I was at school, I knew everybody's name. Everybody at school. You went to a tiny school, didn't you? No, there was like, how many people? 400 and something? See, mine was like 1,200. Oh, you wouldn't have known everybody. No, you didn't know everybody. Well, you went to that

giant school that's got a physiotherapist, aren't you? What was that? How many people go there? 3,500. science school that's got a physiotherapist, aren't you? What was that? Rangitoto College. How many people go there? Three and a half thousand. They're allowed to rub down students? That was frowned upon on my day.

They're allowed to what? Rub down students. You said they had a physiotherapist. Oh, no, because remember we went to that talent show and they said, oh, that's the physiotherapist unit. I'm just like... Yeah, everyone used to just pop in there for a massage. That's crazy.

For free? Yeah, you had to say ACC. You'd be like, oh, I fell on it weirdly. We weren't even allowed to touch each other at school. It was a rule because you got pregnant. That's how it works, yeah. So I was going around and catching up with everybody. I'm like, some people I haven't seen since high school or like, you know, 15 years.

And I haven't seen it and just catching up. Did you see any hot ones that blow out? Fletch? What? Nah, the hot people were still hot. Hey, no. When you see someone who was hot at school and then they're not now, it's great. Isn't it?

Don't pretend like that you don't find joy in that. Nah, the hot people were still hot. Because they were hot at high school and everyone was like, they're so great. And now they're not. You're just like, huh. That's really mean. Is it? Maybe it is.

Actually, now I'm saying it out loud. It's one of those things to say to yourself. It's out loud and then you're like, okay, I am the bad guy. So I'm talking to everybody. Remember everybody. Look at the photos. I'm like, I remember this person. They're not here.

Remember them. And then there's this guy at the bar and I was like, what's he doing with the guy at the bar? Because he was just kind of hanging by himself. Yeah. And then there's this guy at the bar and I was like, what's the deal with the guy at the bar? Because he was just kind of hanging by himself. Yeah. I'm like, is he just having a couple of drinks? And so I was like, it's Nigel. And I was like, who the bloody hell is Nigel?

And they said, remember he started in like sixth form and he rode a motorbike. I said, I'd remember if a guy started and he rode a motorbike because I'd immediately be like, well, there's another person that's cooler than me because I got a motorbike. And I looked at him and someone's like, go and talk to him. I was like, I don't even remember him existing. Do you remember him? And they're like, not really.

But then when I talked to him, I remembered him. I was like, bloody Nigel. And I went around everyone. I was like, do you remember Nigel? And they're like, yeah, I do. Yeah, he started in sixth form. He rode the motorbike. I'm like, his defining feature was very defining. He rode a motorbike.

You'd remember that. I'd remember someone pulling up on a motorbike. And I went around and I asked more people and more people were like, yeah, I remember Nigel. He rode a motorbike. He started in about sixth form. It's this bloody Nigel guy and his motorbike. And I cannot remember him for the life of me.

And even like I was looking at photos of events and I was like, oh, do you remember that? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And someone's like, oh, my God, how do you remember that? I was like, well, obviously I deleted Nigel, so I've got the spare space. But I can – and it's actually driven me a bit crazy that I can't remember Nigel.

Did you go and talk to Nigel? No, because I couldn't remember him. You know his name. It's enough to me a bit crazy that I can't remember Nigel. Did you go and talk to Nigel? No, because I couldn't remember him. You know his name. It's enough to be like, oh, God. Just at the end, I was like, and I wanted to go up and be like, run me, where did you come from, Nigel? Where did you go? Where did you come from?

Got Nigel. Got Nigel. I just, and I can't, and I I'm like even now I'm thinking and even in the photos I was like show me him in the photos and they were like he was away on photo day

I was like bullshit this is all a trick this is all a trick Nigel wasn't just there getting free drinks at a reunion and because maybe

because then people would go like oh hey mate I'm Nigel I started remember I rode the motorbike everyone's like oh yeah of course of course great to see you this sounds like a great then people would go like, oh, hey, mate, I'm Nigel. I started in, remember I rode the motorbike? Everyone's like, oh, yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah. Of course. Great to see you. This sounds like a great wind up, like invent somebody and tell everyone's in on the story. I know. Except one person. I know it makes me think I'm going crazy. Yeah. Or it's like a glitch in the Matrix or the Truman Show.

And that was all running through my head at the same time. I was like, this is a joke. And you're so good at remembering names. Like, name all the staff at ZM. Line them up. I'll do it. Line them up. I will straight out do it.

You couldn't. Except Nigel. I could because I've made an effort. Oh, yeah. I walk out, I know everybody's names. When you take biscuits out to the plebs. No, because there was Clara and Carwin and that was confusing

because they're basically the same name, but one of them left. Right. Which one? Clara. Okay, good. Yeah. Because see you later.

See you later. See you later. Clara. Okay. Okay. But you can't remember Nigel. Not for the life of me. Not for the bloody life of me.

Well, word got back to us that there was some inter, what would you say, some trans-Tasman beef or a calling out. On air at a radio station. On air, trans-Tasman miscommunication. Is that what we're calling it? Yeah, that's what it feels like. Okay. So, yeah, I went to Australia a couple of weekends ago

to see how a TV show works because there's going to be a New Zealand version. And, well... Put a plug in. Have you been paying attention? Yeah, it hasn't started yet. I know, but, like, it's going to. It's going to be on on Wednesdays in a couple of weeks.

Yeah. Yeah, it's going to start on Wednesdays. You're so... Like, don't downplay it. You're going to be on the TV show. Why is he downplaying it with two people who will mow him down when he puts his head up? I know.

No, I'm going to give you your plugs now and then when it's on TV we'll mow you down. Sort of like build me into a false sense of security. Yeah. He'll tear me down. I see how this works. You know how it works. So I went to see how it worked in Australia and I got teamed up with a dude called Ed Cavalli, who's a good guy.

And I thought our little coffee date went fantastically. So he is on the show. He's like going to do what you do. He's a regular. Yeah, I'm going to kind of do what he does on the show. How does the show work? So it's basically a quiz show of stuff that's been happening for the week. It's five individuals all taking on each other.

Somebody asks questions. Right, and this Ursula Carlson's going to be on the New Zealand line. Yeah, Haley Sproul's going to host it. Yeah, so we went to see how it works in Australia and I went and had a coffee with Ed and I thought it all went swimmingly and then someone we know gets in touch and said, is this about you?

And it turns out this was his end of the deal. They're doing a New Zealand version of Have You Been Paying Attention? Oh yeah, right about this. And they said to me, the guy who's doing your sort They're doing a New Zealand version of Have You Been Paying Attention? Oh, yeah. Right about this. And they said to me, the guy who's doing your sort of role on the New Zealand show is a comedian from New Zealand who's done a lot of radio. Could you meet him just to talk about the show before he goes and does it? So I met him.

I was like, hey, mate, do you want to go and get a coffee? And he goes, ugh, level five. So he wasn't stoked about the idea. Straight away. Let's stop it there. Wait, a comedian who does a bit of radio?

Who's done a bit of radio and never said it. Okay. They miscommunicated in my qualifications. I lied on LinkedIn. I lied to get my role on the show.

That's what's happened here. Okay. So, when he said, when you get a coffee, I was like, eh, like,

yeah. But the thing, the people that don't know you, you're very, on the radio, you're all loud mouthed, very introverted in person. Yeah, you are. And so he obviously. Was he all right? And I'm just like, that's just me.

I'll just sit back and let it happen in person. Because quite often people ask Megan and I, what was wrong with Vaughn? We're like, no, that's just Vaughn. But then afterwards we have to give you a pep talk. Like, Vaughn, you've got to talk more. Psychologists are working on what was wrong with Vaughn. We're like, no, that's just Vaughn. But then afterwards we have to give you a pep talk. Like, Vaughn, you've got to talk more. Psychologists are working on what's wrong with Vaughn. They're not 100% sure.

Let's carry on. So level five to the ground, no chat in the lift, right? What? We go to the cafe and I buy both of our coffees. Cute. Nice. And I said, would you like a treat? And he said, I'll have a brownie, right?

Now, he hasn't really asked me any questions at this point. It's just me doing sort of talking at him about the show. And if there's one thing you appreciate, it's people who ask questions. It's my type of party. Yes. So now we're walking back. He's sort of looking at his phone, sort of chatting to me. Back up in the lift.

And the chat's basically not really getting anywhere now. Okay. We're sitting in the green room. And then one of the producers comes over and says, oh, you guys met? How did you go? And he sort of perks up a bit and he goes, yeah, no, it was good. It was actually really nice, you know.

It was good to catch up. And I'm thinking, oh, great. So I did get through maybe. He was nervous or whatever. I'm thinking, oh, I'm an idiot. He's cool. You've misread that. He's just a weirdo like me.

We're going to be friends. Yeah. So in front of two producers, I say to him, hey man, that was a lot of fun. Can I get your number? I don't know what he thought, but his response was, here's my email instead.

Because, because, so the reason, we're walking back because Sade was with me for the weekend and she's very, she's like Fletch, very panicky about, needs to know when and where to be somewhere. And I said, I'll let you know when I'm done with this part and then you can come across and we'll get it all sorted.

So she's like in my ear like, I haven't heard from you. What am I doing? Where am I going? And I'm like, just relax. So I'm texting her saying, just relax. We're walking back now. Give it 15 minutes and then walk over. But you're looking like rude.

You're rude. Because you're looking like rude. Because you're on your phone again. I'm dealing with a highly stressful creature who's worried about it. I'm like, he's cool, this is all good. So the reason I didn't give him my phone number is I had an Australian sim in at the airport. I was like, I'll just get an Australian sim while I'm here. And I said, oh, I don't even know what this phone's number is,

which does sound like a bullshit excuse. Because when Australians come to New Zealand, they just do the Australian, they just land, and they just roll around on roaming. Yeah. But I don't. So, because the company shuts me off when you're over there. So you get one at the airport and you change it.

And I was like, I don't even know what the number of this phone is. But if you email when I get back, I'll flick you a message. I mean, as a note, the company did cut you off after that $600 Dubai roaming bill. Again, and why won't they make that mistake? Learn from your mistakes. Okay. Email.

That is so awkward. I would have just left and never gone on having been paying attention again. I looked at it, and it was his work email, not his personal email. So I went to send him an email. It did not bounce.

Don't lie. It did not bounce. It bounced. That is as cold as ice. Did you give him a fake email? No, I gave him a Vorn, but he obviously can't spell. Oh, because people leave the A out of your name. I go V-A-U-G-H-A-N.

So are you going to reach out to him today and say, it's all good? Nah. It's awkward now. I don't want to have to deal with humans. This is why you need to communicate more. Be like, so I'm not going to give you this number because I've got an Australian SIM. It's not actually my number.

That's what I said. Did you explain it enough? Yeah, that's what I said. No, you said, I don't know this number. That's what I said. Did you explain it enough? Yeah, that's what I said. No, you said, I don't know this number. Because I got an Australian sim for the weekend. I said that. You know how hard it is to make adult friends. I don't want

to make adult friends. He was really nice guy. I thought we were going to be friends. You still can be. You can be. It's too late now. Do you think the damage has been done?

The opportunity's passed. So yesterday, I let everybody in on the secret that my wife had to shave my whole back before a testing to see if I'm a viable candidate for laser hair removal. Yeah. On my back. You've been waxing for years, haven't you? Yeah. So yesterday I went and had the test patch done. Yeah.

Up here. On your shoulder blades. Shouldery bit. And didn't hurt at all. No, it doesn't hurt at all. It's just like a cold jet. Not on that part. Click, click, click, click, click.

And it was like a little puff of cold as well. Yeah. And I was like, oh, what's happening? And she's like, oh, I'm doing the click. And it was like a little puff of cold as well. Yep. And I was like, oh, what's happening? And she's like, oh, I'm doing the test patch. I was like, but it doesn't even hurt. But apparently later on down the track for the big ones, they might need to up the voltage a bit. And also that's on your back, on your shoulder.

Come back to me when you're getting it. Wow, Megan. On your vein. I believe we may have a comparative talking point because when I was there. Okay. When I was there Kelly said to me

Do we want to out Kelly? Oh As the person that had to see that She's seen Fletcher's Yeah Kelly She's seen it all She's seen it all Kelly deserves

Fletcher has seen it all This is her job Very very great Yes you can Very professional Yeah so she said Is there a reason why you're stopping

at the bottom of the back and not carrying on to do... That's what I was saying yesterday. You're going to have like a... The ass. Stripes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm wearing hairy pants.

Well, now I'm going to be wearing hairy arseless chaps because I'm getting my ass done as well. Say bum, please. Say bum, please, yeah. The bum bum. The bum bum. I'm getting my both bums done. My left bum and my right bum. Okay. So

I, and luckily there was a cancellation today so I've got to go later on today. So that means that's great because I don't have to get showered or shave my back again. Okay, right. Within like a one week period. Yeah. So she said, why aren't you doing it? And I said, I don't really know why I've decided to stop.

I've just always had it waxed. I've never had the bum waxed. This is karma for you setting me up. And then she said, oh, you should get it done. Just get it all done because you'll get the back done and then you'll be like, man, that was easy. And then why didn't I get the bum done as well? So I'm getting the bum done.

And I said, well, what do I need to do to prep? And she said, same deal. We need to shave it. I said, how much of it? The lot. So I was like, all right. Okay, cool. So I went home last night.

This was chardalis. I shaved my own butt. I was going to say, this is a good question. Weird area because you can reach it. Yeah. But you can't see it. So I had to stand on something to get to the right height so I could bend over in the bathroom mirror. Oh, my God.

Weirdly, I wish I'd seen this. I had to because everybody was home. It was before the bingo night last night. Yeah. So everybody was home. So I said the bingo night last night. Yeah. So everybody was home. So I said to Sade, I'm going to go do this. Just make sure the kids don't come down. Imagine if August had walked in on that.

I know, that's like traumatic stuff. No stuff I can ever laugh about. But I was like, I don't need them here to see. That would have been traumatising for Indy, but I think August will let you have it. Yeah, she would have laughed and gone and told everybody about it. But I'm betting her to it. Betting her to it by telling everybody myself.

So I shaved that, and that was weird. Yeah. I've never shaved my bottom before. It wasn't like aggressively hairy. Yeah. It was very fine. Okay. But there was quite a bit of it.

Yeah, right. Fuzzy. It shaved quite nicely. How are you feeling now? You have to go right into the crack of the butt. So that was interesting as well. Yeah, yeah. I did all of that.

And then I was like, where do I stop? I messaged Fletch saying, when you did this, how far through did you go? And he just sent me back that, but in emojis. And I was like, seriously, do I stop at the gooch? Am I going right through to the scrotum? Where do I stop? And he's like, all of it. And so I didn't want to ask any more questions. I felt we'd pushed our friendship pretty far at that point. So I just went all the way through gooch and all, boards, everything.

Yeah, right. And I nicked my gooch. I nicked it. With the shaver. Wow. It bled. It was right. Wait, so you're like, God, you're Brazilian.

Like, you're like. Myself. Fold. Wow. Nothing to speak of. How are you feeling today? Again, it looks like I'm wearing hairy arseless chaps. Right.

Do you feel special? So I was expecting between the cheeks, because when you walk, the cheeks touch. Yeah, yeah. So I've got a booty, and I was expecting that to cause irritation, but the real irritation's under the cheek here. Right.

Under the cheek. That's kind of like, it's a bit prickly and a bit scratchy. Yeah, right. So that's getting done. So you haven't had a test patch, you haven't had anything touch your butt yet? No, but I figure the butt and the shoulder blade have got to be fairly similar. Well, you'll have something to report back tomorrow, won't you?

Yeah. Oh my God, I'm sorry, Kelly. Paper g-string, you told me. Yeah. In confidence, but we can share because there are a lot of spoilers. Do you have to wear paper g-string? I don't wear anything. And you said to make sure, like, it's the...

You've got to tuck it all up. Because you don't want anything to be poking down, otherwise they'll see. Poor Kelly. Yeah. Yeah. It's quite, the whole thing is quite traumatic. For you or Kelly.

For them, Sade and I were talking about, you think that doing the laser would be better because people have got to shave before they come in for it. Yeah, that's true. But if you were waxing, you could see like some untouched native scrub. Yeah. It could be a real mess. You could like, it could be 1080 drop.

It could be dead possums. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, wow. I mean, there could be a huia in there and otherwise extinct New Zealand native bird, but it's untouched scrubland, isn't it? So yeah, that's where I'm at with that. Just thought I'd keep everybody in the loop. Right, with your personal maintenance.

Yeah, great. Okay. Let me show you in person so that I can have witnesses a Facebook Messenger conversation. Okay. You'll see at the top the name says Sade Smith. You'll confirm that is my wife in the profile picture.

Yep. What does that say? It says rug from Kmart, question mark. And then picture of Seb Rug. That's a nice rug. It's not bad. Can I have it up close? Can you? Oh, you want it full size?

Yeah, it's not bad. Oh, yeah. That's very nice. Yeah, we're all about that. Okay. It's not bad. So then underneath you'll see from me. Thumbs up how much?

How much? That was the question. Okay. Look at what the reply to that is. A picture of another rug. Oh, yeah. No, forget that because I immediately said don't bother with that cream one. It'll be absolutely effed within the week.

Because of the dog. Because of the dog. Yep. Because that's why we're getting a new one because we've got a nice one, but we're putting it away especially as it gets a little bit wetter because the dog goes outside and comes inside and muddy paws are on everything. Again, why you let a dog inside or get a dog? Okay. Preaching to the choir.

I don't want the dog. I certainly don't want it inside. I hope Ralphie doesn't hear you. You said how much? She said $32. You said thumbs up. Immediate reaction to that was thumbs up. $32 can't go wrong. That's a good price. It's a lovely rug. How do they get so much great stuff so cheap, hey?

Wow. Thanks, Indonesia. They didn't. Oh, right. Because I gave thumbs up to the $32 rug. I said, sure, that sounds okay, $32. Right. I'm not expecting it to last forever for $32.

Yeah. So I get home and she says, would you be able to grab that rug out of the back of the car? And I said, yeah, sure. And I pick it up. And as I pick it up and I chuck it over my shoulder like a real bloke carrying a log or a... Like a Persian rug salesman.

Yes. I was thinking slightly more masculine, like an animal carcass, like a real... Right. Okay. Like a real... Like a meat worker. Provider. Yeah.

Okay. Then I shut the boot and I start walking and out of the corner of my eye I see a something just flapping lightly and landing on the ground and I turn around and I'm like, oh, that's a piece of paper. I'll pick that up because it's rubbish. Okay, yeah.

And I bend down and pick it up and at the top I see the Kmart logo. And I spin over the... This is already rubbish, this story, this yarn. This is already... Why is this rubbish, this story, this yarn. This is already... Why is this rubbish? Because don't act like, I saw a piece of rubbish and I was going to pick it up

to save the environment. You were like, there's the receipt, I'm going to check this. No, initially when I saw it, I didn't know what it was. And I picked it up

and I turned it over and I saw at the bottom it said total $65. Now you'll remember $32 was banted about. Yeah, for the rug. That's twice that, isn't it? Yeah. And a bit more. It is, and a bit more. Yeah, you'll remember $32 was banted about. Yeah, for the rug. That's twice that, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

And a bit more. Yeah, but you go to Kmart and you get a trolley full. Well, I thought, well, these things happen. You go for one thing, you end up with multiple. But no, no other thing had been purchased. One thing. She outright lied to you about how much that rug cost. So I walked in with it in my pocket and I said,

how much did this cost again? And she said, oh, I don't know. I I walked in with it in my pocket and I said, how much did this cost again? And she said, oh, I don't know. I put it in the chat. And I said... Because she knows by this stage you might have found a receipt. In the chat. And I pulled out my phone and I said, huh, this chat? Yep. I said, weird.

It says $32. Did you buy two rugs? No, I just bought one rug. I was like, then why, Your Honour, does this receipt say $65? Then it all changed and it became an innocent mistake of looking at the wrong rug. I'm sure it did. The wrong rug. Is that why she sent you the photo of the Yuck Cream rug? Do you think that was the $32 rug?

She'll be like, be like oh look it says does it say 32 dollars i didn't know where that photo is there any is there any price tag right she said oh it must have been it was the wrong rug i didn't know till i got up to the counter and i said did you you know raise this is an issue oh she's changing a story then all of a sudden she didn't know it was exactly she's going to prison to prison. There's no argument. Sorry, OJ. OJ, you've changed it in the middle of the trial, mate. If I was on this jury, instantly I'd be like,

she's guilty. Yeah. Beyond reasonable doubt. Guilt, your honour. Lock her away. So I said, you should have just told me it was $65 to start with, trying to be the good guy.

Trying to be a little bit of like, hey, I don't have a problem with $65. You wouldn't agree with the $65 rug though. No, she wanted it. She did what she had to do to get it for her family. I was trying to flush it out. Wait, Megan. That she knew it was $65 to expose the lie within

the lie, but she said, I honestly didn't know She did what she had to do to provide for her family. Megan, the rug is an essential to the survival of Vaughan's family. We don't all cuddle under it. Rather than pay our Powerball or anything like that. Yeah.

So I caught and I've long suspected these things happen. Yeah, right. It was like that time that she told me, no, she didn't say it, but I just assumed and I asked and I was just kind of like flushed away that DeCuba. What's that called again? DeCuba. I thought it was like Faro Fresh. I thought it was like a grocery store.

Right. Did you? Yeah. It's a clothing store. I never look at the online banking statements. God, she's good. That's really good. But then she was like semi-regularly buying stuff from there.

So you were like, must be a supermarket. I was like, oh, is this food? And she was like, oh, yeah. Actually, like, hats off to, I never considered that as an option. That is so genius. You buy it from somewhere where they don't know the name of it. It's a green grocer. I just assumed it was a green grocer.

I don't know why she's going there to buy vegetables. We've got a local vegetable out there. And why these vegetables are costing hundreds of dollars. No, because it was never that. It was always one item per trip. But I fell for that until I asked. No, I saw her bag and I was like, jeez, man, that green grocer's got a fancy bag. And she was like, what?

And I was like, just to confirm again, Decuba, that's a food place, right? And she was like, um, no, it's clothing. What do you mean it's a food place? I asked you a few weeks ago and you said it was a food place. She's like, I never said it was a food place You assumed She just made a noise

And I just filled in the gaps A little bit of a recap Yesterday on the show We told you The importance of Telling your kids The right words for things Because my daughter's

Testicles are called nut balls Now I told my wife That she was appalled That I blamed her for nut balls It was actually her mother That calls testicles nut balls. It was actually her mother. That calls testicles nut balls. Their nanny, the girl's nanny. The problem said nut balls and the girls were like,

what are you talking about? And I said, well, you know how you call them nut balls? They've got a proper name, they're testicles. And then that was just the word that was said over and over and over again. Testicles. Testicles. You all right? Testicles.

Yes. Testicles. Wow, testicles. Wow. It's important they learn the right words. It's important they learn the right words. And then you tell them, that sounded windy. We're at the beach. I literally took them to the middle of nowhere to get the egg out of their system.

Yeah. They can say testicles, there was nobody else around, and now they know that's what they're called. Anyway, on the way home from the beach, we went to the supermarket. Need to do a shop for the Smith household. Okay. And Sade did the serious aspect of the shopping, and the girls and I just got sent on missions.

You know, where you entertain your kids, but you're like, go and find this answer. That's what my parents would do. And you'd run and find it, and it'd take you ages, and less chance you'd ask for chocolate. That's what my wife does with me as well. So I found what I had to find and then I found the girls

right beside the yogurts. Okay. And they were there and Indy said, Mum, it was very confusing. I think Sade made it confusing so that it would take more of our time. She said,

Indy said, we're only allowed one flavour. And I said, what do you mean? Like one six pack? And she's like, no, one flavour. We can get two packets

but they've got to be one flavour. I said, one flavour each or one flavour all up? Is there a flavour you won't eat? Are you allowed to get the packs that's like no one flavor we can get two packets but they're going to be one flavor i said one flavor each or one flavor all up is there a flavor you won't eat are you allowed to get the packs it's like some berries some strawberries and she's like i don't know one flavor but we can have two packs i was like this is very confusing and august is like can we have this one and i said no that's chocolate dairy food you can't have chocolate dairy food and then there was there why can't we have chocolate i mean it I mean, it still got sent for yogurt.

But it's still the same amount of sugar as the other berry stuff. Yeah, but it's not sugar. You can't let them win all the time. Oh, and it's got to look healthy. It's got to look healthy. And it's got to have bits of strawberry. So she's like, well, why can't I have this one?

I said, August, we are not getting chocolate dairy food. And that parental tone and pace, you know, when you got that, you knew it was business. Dad time, yeah. And I was like, we're trying to work out what we're having out of strawberries and berries. Okay.

And she's like, and crossed her arms and stood there. And it was at this stage that a lady said, excuse me. And I was like, oh, hi. And she's like, I don't want to, I don't mean to interrupt. I just had to come over and say, and she wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the two girls. She's like, you two girls put a smile on my face whenever I see your videos or whenever your dad talks about you.

I have some bad days, and your videos, they always make me smile. And I was like, oh, what do you say, girls? And they're like, oh, thank you very much. And I said, oh, that's very nice of you to say. She's like, I'll leave you to shopping, but I just wanted to say I was like that was so nice like lucky she didn't hear me sternly telling these kids off five seconds ago with the no we're not getting it and I was like that was nice wasn't it and the girls were like yeah that was really that was really nice dad that was so nice that she said that and then August looked at me and she said I I'm going to ask her to buy us chocolate dairy food.

I said, you are not asking that lady to buy you chocolate dairy food. And she turned around and started to walk towards the lady. I was like, August Ava Smith, stop. And she looked back at me. She took another step. She's like, am I allowed chocolate dairy food? I was like, no. She took two more steps. I was like, and you almost heard

and she's looking at me and I'm looking at her and Indy's like, we'll just get the strawberry. I was like, yes, let's get the strawberry. All of a sudden she's like, no. And I was like, don't ask that lady for chocolate dairy food. She's like, she'll buy it for me. I was like, you can ask that lady for chocolate dairy food. She's like, she'll buy it for me. I was like, you can't ask her for chocolate dairy food.

And so August 1, we got some chocolate dairy food. And I can only imagine this morning when Sade opens the fridge to get them out of yogurt for their breakfast and she sees chocolate dairy food, she's going to be like, I told your father not to buy you chocolate dairy food. Yeah. They won. You're in so much trouble if that's where her mind goes

after someone gives her a compliment. She's like, that was so nice. Excuse me, would you like to buy me some chocolate dairy food? Remember moments ago when I said I made your day? I'm pretty cute. I would have thought you got that for nothing. The very least you could do, buy me a six pack of chocolate. Yeah.

Chocolate dairy food. Because my dad's a monster and he won't. My dad won't buy me chocolate dairy food. You've seen the cuteness. She probably would have. Oh, I would have been horrified. She would have. Absolutely horrified.

Well, good luck. Yeah. Good luck good luck. Yeah. Good luck for those teenagers. Just another time to remind her, I've really got to stomp it out of them now. Last night I was putting the girls to bed. Usual sort of bed routine. Got them all read. That's where you read a book. Right.

And got them all read. All right, children, are we all sufficiently read? We've all done our reading? No, another one. Yeah, that's always like, just one more. One more. Just a little one. Just one more little one.

No, not tonight. Come on, guys, bedtime. Can't you just give them the book and watch TV and they do it themselves? What about audio books? Just turn it on and they pre-stop when they've had enough. Then they'll think their dad's Stephen Fry. I assume Stephen Fry.

I assume Stephen Fry reads every audiobook, audiobook, I've only listened to two and he read both. Right. I was like, this guy's got this market cornered. Oh, he's got a great voice. Great reading voice.

So we read the books, tucked them in, Sade came in, do my little guess who's going to bed song that I've been doing forever and a day and then I say, all right, give us a kiss

and I give Indy a kiss. And then I go to give August a kiss. And she's like, get away from me with that mouth. What? And I said, I beg your pardon, young lady. And she said, don't come at me with that mouth that you kiss other people with. Wow. Your mother and your sister.

And she's like, no, I know you go to work and you kiss everybody's mouth with your mouth. You kiss Caitlin's mouth. And Sade looks at me and she's like, what's going on? I was like, Caitlin? I know. I really. Yeah, definitely not. And

I was like, oh, because I do not kiss Caitlin on the mouth of my mouth. She's like. And then you go from kissing Caitlin, you kiss Megan on the mouth. And then it's straight to Fletch. Mouth kiss for Fletch. Ross Boss gets a kiss right on the mouth. And then she's like, the other guy was like, James. And she's like, no, not James.

I don't think you'd kiss James on the mouth. I'm like, what? Why wouldn't I kiss James on the mouth? She knows James is not even a part of it. James isn't down for it. Try as I might. I think James looks upset he's not included. I'm a little offended.

I'm sorry, James. If it was up to me, if I was to begin kissing everybody on the mouth, you'd be up there. August just knows that James is a stamp for any BS right here. She's like, the other guy. I was like, I don't know who the other guy is. And then I don't even know why I engaged her on this. She was trying to describe the guy at work that I kiss on the mouth.

I still don't know who she was talking about. It might have been Soundkeeper Gary thinking about it. Because she watches the Secret Sound videos. She was all about the Secret Sound. And I was like I don't kiss any of these people on the mouth And she's like Yeah I think you do

What does she think we do here? I don't know I'm newy for the questioning But I'm just imagining It's just a lot of like We're like ZM click Ads are fine guys Do you want to have a quick kiss?

A little kiss over here, kiss over there. Oh, that was nice. Oh, song's about to finish. Quit kissing. Get back on the radio for more kissing. Less kissing. More kissing later. She got jealous because you kissed her something in the mouth.

Because I'm kissing other people. So did she end up giving you a goodnight kiss? In my mouth. Or? Yeah, like it took a bit of talking. Right. Talking around. But then we got back into the lounge and Shade was like, interesting.

You know, it was the awake version of having a dream about somebody and being angry at them for it. Yeah, right. She was like, that was interesting. I was like, no, don't even start that tone with that was interesting oh i'm just saying it's got to have come from somewhere i was like you know these people they don't want to kiss me on the mouth there's no mouth kissing shut up i can certainly say now it's as equally as disgusting from my side.

Typically, it's comprehensive. Hey! I'm okay with that. I'm okay that you think it's disgusting. Yeah, we're all equally disgusted by each other. We're looking into our plunket box, which is a bit of a hoot. I had a message from somebody who pulled out their plunket box. Yeah. And they said they didn't know that they had a wart burnt off when they were a child

and their mother had been keeping it from them. A wart? Yeah. Wow, okay. So that's something. It's quite funny. It's been quite funny to look back and read. Yeah, definitely.

It's always funny to roast our 10-month-old selves. Yeah, roast us from newborn. Mum's gone overboard because I said to you how mum just sent me the cover and just a photo saying that I had been immunised, but I wanted the whole juicy gossip. And there's my growth chart there. Look at this. Can I say my weight was like always pretty good?

So where did that go wrong? You know, I know exactly where it went wrong. Biscuits. I broke my ankle when I was at primary school, and I was laid up in bed and everyone kept bringing me chocolate and I just kept eating it. And I put on like so much weight and I've never really been able to lose it again. Aww.

And mum will tell that story to people. He was. He was the smallest child we had. He was lean. Yeah, right. Till the ankle broke. And there's all my vaccinations. I'm all done. I've had your diphtheria.

I've had your tetanus. I've had your diphtheria tetanus. Diphtheria for like cows and stuff? What's that one? You always hear on the ads for trenches and stuff. Oh, yeah, mate. No, not diphtheria. I think that's human.

But your measles, everything. Everything. I had mumps in May 1986. Oh, okay. I had chicken pox in September 1989. But let's take it back right to the start there. When I was three weeks old. Okay.

Breastfeeding on demand. That's like before it's time. Before all the on-demand services. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Before TVNZ on demand. Early. I don't know if I'm demanding it or Mum's demanding it. Oh, right.

There might be some sort of mutual demand there. I've got a sticky eye, though. Do you think that's why? My eye. Do you think it's that eye? Does it say which one? Nah, it doesn't. It just says sticky eye.

And I've been given a prescription. It's weird on all of our billboards and images that they don't fix that in Photoshop. Yeah, just open it up a wee bit. It's when I smile I smile crooked and one of my eyes shuts a little bit. It was cute when Paris Hilton was doing it, but not so much when I do it. So I've got

the sticky eye. Then we go to a month later, I'm fully breastfed. Again, it says to bathe the eye. A month later? It's an ongoing issue with the sticky eye. But then it says I'm doing very well. Bowel motion normal.

Then what's happened? It's really turned to... You'll find throughout this, they do reference my bowel motions quite a bit. Then in April that year, I was sleeping 8-10 hours a night, apparently an absolute dream, 8-10 hours? Yeah. In a couple of months, what an absolute darling child. That's only followed up by

again mentioning of the bowel motions being normal. Which is good. Later that month, I'm sleeping 13 hours a night. What? Dream child, 2 months old, sleeping 13 hours a night. Sounds to me like Ian two months old, sleeping 13 hours a night. Sounds to me like Ian and Christine

were giving you a little bit of whiskey. Just rub it on his gums. Dose him up on that anti-islamine. Get him into bed. No mention of the eye, so hopefully that's cleared up.

Okay. But then my brother gets a mention. This isn't his plunker book. Piss off, Philip. Who cares? Philip. Philip, get out of here.

Breastfed. I eat a bit of custard, apparently. It's only at three months old. Should you be feeding a three-month-old custard? Not nowadays, you bloody wouldn't. Egg yolk. I'll eat a bit of egg yolk. It's probably from custard powder.

It's not like them. Nah, you're probably into the custard squares. You love a slice. I would squares. You love a slice. I would smithy love a slice. We'll put it on the weight. We'll run it against the weight. Yes, this is when you discovered. Oh no, see I was really high there. That was probably the custard squares as a three month old. But then I averaged out

and went to down. I'm sleeping through the night. Later that year, so I'm an absolute dream child. Is there anything juicy here? We're just going to hear about how you're... I roll over. I sit on my own. When are you sitting?

So advanced. Five months old, Ming. What? I don't want to go on about it, but I'm sitting at five. Well, can you turn in circles? At seven and a half months, I'm eating mashed food and finger foods and very active. Well, I'm not surprised I'm eating a bloody... I'm on the solids'm eating it bloody.

I'm on the solids already. How old were you there? Seven months. Seven and a half. Should you be allowing a seven and a half month old on a food platter with finger food? I don't know. I'm up there though. I hope they cut the grapes in half.

I'm eating meat at nine months. This is where it started. Yeah. This is where it started. Yeah. This is where it started. I was conditioned to be a meat eater. I pull to stand and I can crawl there as well. I'm drinking from a cup at ten and a half months and eating. Oh, that's more advanced than you can even handle a Tommy Tippy.

You're crawling and standing at nine months. No, ten and a half months. I was pulling to a stand and, yeah, crawling. Yeah. Ten and a half months. I was pulling to a stand and, yeah, crawling. Yeah. Ten and a half months, I'm eating most things. That's outside of food by the sounds of it, just at all. And then at 12 months, at my first birthday, I'm just eating with the family now.

I've got a knife and a fork apparently. I'm eating with the whole family. Again there at 18 months Eating very well Mentions again Good coordination Right Let's pop forward to two years Eating again

Loves his food Feeds himself Eats very well So nothing's changed At three years Fully toilet trained Speaking very well Guess what?

Won't stop talking Eating also Still eating very well Okay Guess what? Won't stop talking. Eating also. Still eating very, very well. Okay. And my final entry, this was just before I went to school. It said a very cooperative boy. Yeah. Development test, normal.

Can balance on one foot and also hop. Oh, okay. Well, that's the end of our work day for Vaughan Smith Yep, I'm taking an early leave of absence Unbelievable How leisurely for Monday How leisurely, two hours of work The water was in the room, two hours of work

So you are about to, you're going to drive home after this break Yes To take August to school, her first day at school I'm pretty sure we just walked to school on her first day at school. I'm pretty sure we just walked to school on our first day, didn't we? Did you? I don't know. I don't remember.

I don't remember, no. See, that's the thing. They won't remember. This is why I'm saying you're just wasting your time. Actually, there's video. There's a family video of my brother just walking down the driveway to catch the bus. Yeah, right. To school. And it was like, see you, mate.

And it was like, say see ya to your brother. And I'm like, I don't want him to go. How times have changed. You can't wait to see the arse end of him now whenever I see him. But I don't want him to go. And then my sister bursts into tears. We're all really sad that he gets to go to school. But Ian and Christine went.

That's rough as guts thinking back on it. Catch the bus. Who with? Strangers. Me too. More strangers. Yeah. To learn. More strangers. Yeah. To learn.

But Ian and Christine weren't crying their eyes out outside the school gates? Nah. Nah. Nah. I don't know how I'll go because, yeah. Or Indy, because I took the day off when Indy had her first day at school too and I was quite like, she was upset. So then I couldn't get upset.

Right. I had to be. Oh, okay. I thought you'd get upset if, she was upset. So then I couldn't get upset. Right. I had to be. Oh, okay. I thought you'd get upset if you see them upset. No, it's more like, you've got to be the strong one. You've got to sort it out. But I just know August is going to turn around, walk in and look back. And that'll be me.

Or she's not going to look back and just pull the fingers. Just see ya. See ya, losers. But you had a cry in the car On the first On Indy's drop off Didn't you? When I got back

Yeah when I got home I was a bit like It's all go But now I've got Like two school age kids So that's like double You're getting old I know

This is your baby I know the baby's All grown up So five at the weekend Yeah yeah We had a party She wanted a Greatest showman birthday cake.

With a bearded lady? Well, that was the main person she wanted on there. We're like, who do you want on? You want the Hugh Jackman and stuff or the Zendaya character with the pink hair? And she's like, bearded lady. That's my one requirement on this cake is it needs to have the bearded lady.

The bearded lady is her hero in the Greatest Showman. So she had that. She let everybody know it was time to sing her happy birthday. She stood up and said, attention, attention. And then she went, one, two, three, and indicated to the crowd it was time to start singing happy birthday. God, she's your child. She also made an announcement that it was present time

and everyone needed to gather around to watch her open her gifts. See, I'm not worried about this one at school. I think she's going to be fine. Yeah, she'll be fine. She's going to be fine. She'll be absolutely fine. But, you know, it's, hmm. Hmm.

Are you all right? Got pretty booze at the weekend by myself on Saturday night. Yeah, right. I'm just dealing with that sort of whole situation. So, yeah. Well, good luck today. Yeah, thank you. I'll be the dad running back down the driveway being like,

don't look at me! I'm not crying. It's my allergy. Yesterday, it was my daughter August's first day at primary school. Quite a momentous occasion. Because her birthday is very close to mine, isn't it? Yes. I remember when August was, like, in the belly, at primary school. Quite a momentous occasion. Because her birthday is very close to mine, isn't it? Yes.

I remember when August was like in the ballet, Fletcher's like, better not be born on my birthday. I don't want my thunder being stolen. Yeah.

So she gave you a week, just over a week. A week's grace. To sort yourself out. But then Vaughn spends all of his money on her prison and doesn't have any

for mine. I don't have any. Well, actually, the birthday present I got you last year is still any for mine. I don't have any. Well, actually, the birthday present I got you last year is still sitting right there. He's really upset about it. Producer James uses it

for all the cables we take around in the granny trolley. That wasn't its intention. Yeah. And it was purchased. So, momentous occasion. She's had the visits and everything beforehand.

I don't remember ever getting those. Things have changed. I think we just got dumped at primary school back in the day. Yeah, we did. No, I had school visits. Did you? Yeah.

What, is this where you go before so you're accustomed to it? Yeah, you're a kiddie and you go visit school. No, I'm pretty sure I just got dumped in there. No, you want a pen. Single swim. Yeah, like the parents didn't even stop the car. They just went down to a gentle... That's how you learn to get yourself out of a moving car.

Roll! Your mum would be like, tuck and roll! Tuck and roll! Yeah. So went in, left work early. Here's my biggest mistake. Yeah. When I got home and we were all getting sorted,

that little notification popped up on Facebook saying, you've got memories, are you? Oh. So I know, big mistake. I don't actually know if I'm going to be able to find it easily now. But the memory was of when August was born and Indy was holding her for the first time. And that popped up. And giving her a kiss on the forehead and being like, hello, little sissy.

And I was just like, and then I showed them and they're like, Dad, are you crying? And I was like, Dad might be crying. Didn't come home from work early to be judging. Get in the car. So we got in the car and then like, so I was just fresh from watching that. And then when they were walking down the footpath to school, they were holding hands.

I was like, this is too much. This is. So walking a little bit behind them, A shadow's like, sort yourself out. I'm like, I'm trying to sort myself out, but when you say sort it out, it only makes it worse. It's like someone's saying calm down when you're upset. It never calms you down. So anyway, I got it all together.

Yeah. And went in and August was like, I'll show you my classroom. She's very relaxed. I'll show you my classroom. I was like, all right. She's like, come over here. This is the shop. Do you want anything to eat?

The what? The shop. Yeah. Like a little corner set up, like a shop. Do you want anything to eat? I was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, there, you've got a cupcake in that here. I was like, oh, we're playing.

So I was like, what are you? So I pretended to eat a wooden cupcake, and then I got shown a map of New Zealand. And then the bell, I was sitting there, and the bell went and she was like looking at me and I was looking at her and she's like, do you not know what that means? You've got to go.

You've got to go. Class is about to start. I was like, okay, you all right? She's like, yep. So she went and sat on the mat. I was like, okay, I'll leave you. If you're all right. She's like, yeah, I'm fine.

You're winding her up. What are you going on about? I was like, if you've'll leave you. If you're all right. She's like, yeah, I'm fine. You're winding her up. What are you going on about? I was like, if you've got any questions, ask Oliver. That's her little mate. They knew each other at kindy and he started school

a little while ago. She was sitting beside him. I said, if you've got any questions, ask him. She's like, yeah, I will. I was like,

you got this Oliver? A lot depending on you, a lot riding on you. He's like, mm-hmm. Who's the freaky dude with tears in his eyes yelling at me about looking after his daughter

and so we leave and on the way out i'm like man that was amazing like she did fantastically and then after school i picked her up i was like how was your day at school and she was like oh i had so many questions for oliver i was like well that's good though because that's what he was there to help you out she's like like what are we eating now? When's at lunchtime? Like, I want to eat this. Is it okay to eat this now? I was like, mostly food-based questions. Yeah, she's over school waiting for food.

She's like, yeah, yeah, because it's quite confusing. We have like quite a few eating breaks. Yeah. So I had to ask him what we're eating now. Yeah, right. So once she's got that, she's absolutely problem-free. You don't want to eat your lunch at playtime. No, that's the worst.

Yeah, I know. And then you're starving, aren't you? And you can't learn when you're starving. Yeah. So yeah, it was just an emotional deal. They're all crying out. They're needing me less and less. Something of like puncturing their bike tyre. Just so I'm like, who needs dad now?

ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast.