ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - August 14 2018

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Some alarming news on Producer Anya's birthday, It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas and when was someone too perfect?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast, thanks to Spark. You can stay connected with free Wi-Fi a gig a day on the $19 Spark prepaid rollover pack. Enjoy. Hello, good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Happy birthday to you. Thank you. What did you get?

That's the third line. No, I just, I made it a succinct sentence. You've got to let us know. We start singing the ordinary happy birthday. We sound bloody stupid. We're a couple of bloody idiots. We weren't informed. They ruined your birthday.

Did you see Anya's story on Instagram? No. The cutest thing this morning. What happened? Her family woke up at four o'clock. Pissed. To do Willa and Debra. Yeah.

To do birthday presents. Is that your sister on FaceTime? Yeah, she's in Canada at the moment. That's super cute. Give me birthday. And your son woke up too. That's pretty special. That is the cutest thing.

Yeah. That's real commitment at 4A. It was. Andy was a bit tired. Yeah, he looked really tired. He looked really like... He was a bit cranky. Everybody else was in good spirit.

Oh, and their robes. Blaseless. Yes. Pretty cute. Right, the top six is coming up. Yeah, I don't know if you guys know this. I only know this because a little laminated piece of A4 paper at the supermarket told me the reason there's a capsicum shortage is that there's a heat wave in Holland.

Doesn't capsicums like heat? No, it's because it's too dangerous for the workers to be outside picking the capsicums. So the capsicums are okay. Yeah, they must have some sort of working condition standards. That's unbelievable. Workers' rights, you say. Yeah, I know. Those Dutch, those liberal Dutch.

So I've looked into it and I've got the top six other problems the Dutch heat wave is causing. Oh, okay. You can imagine. The Dutch. I don't know. Hopefully before we do it, I'll find six. Licorice. Licorice.

That'll be one. They make that yuck licorice. Oh, I love those salty yuck licorice lollies. That'll be melting. Oh, yeah. My auntie Margaret would always be like, do you want a lolly? Because she's Dutch. And I'd be like, oh, God, no.

She'd be like, more for me? I'd be like, eat them all. That'll do. All right, you lot, listen up. It's story time. Three news headlines. Born a Megan, you must pick one of the following three stories. Headline one, would you like explosive diarrhoea with that?

Headline two, whaley odd beer. And headline three, the Fun Run for Losers. Oh. That sounds like a run that I could do, though. True. Whaley Odd Bear. Yeah. Is that bear as in animal bear or bear as in drinkable bear?

Beer or beer? Beer as in drinkable bear. Whaley Odd Bear. Yeah. What does Whaley mean? Beer as in drinkable beer. Whaley odd beer. Yeah. What does whaley mean? Something to do with a whale. Because it's supposed to sound really, really odd. Has it got whale oil in it?

I'm not giving away the stories. You guys do this all the time. And I'm just loose-lipped spletcher and I spell the details. Loose- Fletcher And you get that story for free Well not anymore I'm toughening up Tight lips Fletcher's back

Is that a craft beer that's made from a giant whale testicle? In Iceland? Yes it is You are also breaking the Geneva Convention You're not allowed to Google Well we know that one now Ew, yuck. You are also breaking the Geneva Convention. You're not allowed to Google.

Well, we know that one now. Fun run for losers. What was the first one? Would you like explosive diarrhea with that? Oh, okay, no, fine. Three. Okay. Fun run for me. All right, we go now to America where you can forget your Fitbit.

You can forget all your healthy running. What else do you do when you go for a big run? You might have one of those gel sachets. Yeah. Your Carbolo. You might have a Powerade. Yeah. Maybe some flat coke.

That's it. You did that with your running, didn't you? Yeah, that was bloody good, actually. That was magical. Doing the marathon. Well, you can forget about all of that because the Born 0.5k Fun Run is here. So 500 metres.

Yes. So what's that? How many rugby fields is that? Five. Yes, five rugby fields. 100 metres. 100 metres

from goal line to goal line. Five rugby fields long and it offers beer, donuts, coffee

and a smoke stop. Oh, wow. If you need to smoke, if you need to stop for a ciggy. Your time has come because the athletic event, athletic in quotation marks, it takes place in Bourne in Texas. And it's not just a lazy fun run, but it's also for charity. So there is a good angle here and it actually raises quite a bit of money.

Right. While at the same time, hooking participants up with a sticker and a medal for finishing. So you can say that you've done a fun run. But yeah, I guess a fun run all of us could do. Yeah. Even if you jogged. Or walked. It wouldn't even take that long to walk it.

Yeah. The coffee and donut station, that's at the halfway point. That's for carb loading, according to the organisers, and for energy. And that will also be where the designated smoking stop area is at the halfway point. I could definitely do that. Yeah. Do you know what? I'm going to go out there and say it.

I could maybe even do it without stopping for a smoke. that. Yeah. Do you know what? I'm going to go out there and say it. I could maybe even do it without stopping for a smirk. I know. I know. It's a bold claim and maybe I'm setting a little ahead of myself. I'm cocky and the New Zealander in you wants to pull me down. Chop me off at the knees, tall poppy syndrome. But you know what else I'm going to say?

I might even be able to do it without the donut. I'll probably still stop for a coffee then. Yeah. It'd Be crazy not to. Well, it's a fun day out, isn't it? Yeah. Why not? Just trying to work out how long were, like, the running tracks. They had two lengths.

So there's, like, 400 metres and 800 metres. Yeah. And then 400 is just a much smaller circle. Yeah. Maybe there are 1,000 metres? But 800 metres. So it's, like, not even, it's just over halfway round. much smaller circle. Yeah. Maybe there are 1,000 metres? But 800 metres, so it's like not even,

it's just over halfway round. The Olympic, I'd say the, I think the Olympic running tracks were 800 metres. Most tracks are 400 metres around

as measured in lane one. Oh, okay. Uh, 800, one length of one, yeah. Does that help? I don't know. Yeah, most tracks are 400 metres around. Okay, so it's just over one... Yeah. Does that help? I don't know. Most tracks are 400 metres around.

Okay, so it's just over one... Huh. It's just over one. Easy. Yeah, easy peasy. Easy. If you've been seeing and hearing a bit from Simon Brojo's National Party Leader of the Moment over the last three months,

then that's good, I suppose, because he spent over $100,000 trying to get in front of your face. $100,000? $137,000 worth of expenditure on travel and accommodation in the last three months on what he's calling the Simon Bridges Roadshow. Doesn't that equate to $900 a day? Yeah, $919 a day.

So that's individually him, or is that his whole team? That's him. That's him. So even if you were in a like- Oh yeah, sorry, home. That's home. That's home, Simon. Can you even get a hotel room for $900 a night?

No, that includes his car. Cars. Flights. Flights. Yeah. So that's more than people earning the minimum wage take home in a week. Jeez. No, that's not a good look, is it?

He's been spending it a day. I love when these stories come out. Me too. And what's he got? Like, what's come out of it? Well, he's not, like, stormed ahead in the polls or anything. I don't know. This doesn't include that really awkward ad that he made.

Where he said his mum showed him how to make a dollar go further. Yes, Megan, ironically. His father instilled values in. His mother taught him how to make a dollar go a long way. $130,000. That goes a long way too. Gosh, she could have made $130,000 last a lifetime by the sounds of her. Well, because he's only in opposition, he should be taking the intercity.

Yeah, well, no. Well, he's taking the Crown Limo. Please. And I don't want to start unjust rumours, but I heard sometimes he's just like, and if they're driving and it's a bit quiet, he gets them to pull over and drop a fat skid. Because he is from West Auckland.

Right, okay. He's a bit of a bogey. Right. So, yeah, every now and then he's like, do I reckon this BMW can do a fat scoop? You'd do that though, wouldn't you? 100%. Another reason

why I'll never be a politician. Is that a normal use for a Crown Limo though? Are you supposed to do that? They do what you say, I think. Like, go through the McDonald's drive-thru at 3am. That's not a great lot. You're a driver, aren't they? They just do what they're told. Yeah, okay.

You're probably an Uber cheaper. I couldn't ever do that job. Well, that's the thing. I'm sure the Ubers do sort of a long-term. This is our money. Yeah. I don't think I might have even failed to mention that this is entirely taxpayer money. Good Lord.

Yes. What is the point of this? Just to be like, hey, I'm okay. To get out and be like, hey, look, I'm doing Bluff. It's Bluff oyster season. Oh, delicious. Go New Zealand industry. Just going to go for just a minute.

I mean, so far it's not for everybody. I love it, personally. No, I'm not going to be able to keep it down. God, that's all I could be a politician. We have to go to all of that stuff. I mean, I like oysters, but you'd have to go to some events. We'd have to go to so much trouble. You'd have to talk to so many people.

We don't like talking to people. Yeah, they'd be like, oh, we're going to go and check out the smelter. But can we just go back to the Oyster Festival? We're paying a lot to be down here. I'd rather do something I like. Is this a holiday? Is that what I'm having right now? It's not.

Unbelievable. Maybe, right? The Top Six with Vaughan Smith. Right. That'd be right. The Top Six with Vaughan Smith. Right, well, I was at the supermarket and I wasn't even in the business for a capsicum. But I walked past that area of the supermarket and there was a laminated piece of A4 paper that said due to the Dutch heatwave,

there's a capsicum shortage. I like that they explain why, not just like... Me too. Capsicum shortage, I like that they explain why, not just like... Me too. Capsicum shortage. This is... So this Dutch heat wave, they've had two massive heat waves. And for Holland, this is pretty hot. It's getting above 30 degrees.

It's getting into the mid-30s. Because they're well known for their greenhouses, aren't they? Like there's a lot of... They have a lot of greenhouses. Yeah. Is that where they grow them? It gets very cold in greenhouses. So they keep the greenhouses. Yeah. Is that where they grow them? It gets very cold in greenhouses. So they keep the

greenhouses there? Um, no, I think they grow them outside. Okay. Uh. The capsicums do like a bit of warmth but obviously. They do like a bit of warmth but it's the workers picking the capsicums that don't. Right. They can't be out workers' rights to not make them cook. Right.

In the open sun. But what about us? So there's a Dutch heat wave, and the Dutch don't really know how to handle it. So these are the top six other problems that the Dutch heat wave's causing. Number six, droopy tulips. They love their tulips. That is both a dehydrated flower and a euphemism, because when it's very hot... Yeah, it's the last thing you can be bothered doing.

No, yeah, exactly. You get a droopy Dutch tulip. Yeah. Which is not good. No. Not what you want your tulip to be. Rock hard. A rock hard, straight up and down tulip.

Number five on the list of straight two, as an arrow from what I've heard. Right, okay. The Dutch. Is this a metaphor I'm missing? Yeah, I said it was a euphemism. Oh, yeah. Straight.

Like, so straight you could use it as a rule, you know, to keep a straight line. Number five on the list of the top six other problems the Dutch heat wave is causing are everybody standing in front of windmills thinking they're fans. But they're not. The wind powers them. They don't produce wind. Which is a real bummer.

Number six. No, number four on the list of the problems the Dutch heatwave is causing. People are so hot they have resorted to swimming in the Mankey Canals. Oh, yuck. Catching all sorts of nasties from the Red Light District when that gets hosed down at the end of the night. It's like, oh, it's not the canal. There'd be a lot of bikes in the canal.

Lots of bikes in the canal. And you think you've got those abanicals growing on the side of those canal boats? They're STDs. Gross. Number three on the list of the top six problems the Dutch heatwave is causing. People are pedalling really fast on their little Dutch bikes to try to get wind in their face to cool down.

But in turn, they're working so hard that they're overheating. A real Dutch conundrum. That's a vicious cycle. It is. A vicious bicycle, as it were. Number two on the list of the problems the Dutch heatwave is causing. No one's figured out yet how to put weed into ice blocks and have it taste delicious. Big problem.

Yeah, how would you do that? I'd imagine you'd have to use the oil. No, the oil doesn't freeze, does it? I don't know about cannabis oil. No. And how it freezes. Yeah, you can't make those. That'd be tough. And the number

one problem the Dutch are facing in the face of the Dutch heat wave, extremely sweaty feet and wooden clogs. They don't breathe. No. They don't breathe. Do you have to wear socks with your clogs or not? Can you drill some holes? Like a wooden crock.

Yeah. A Dutch crock. Yeah. Sweat drains. Yeah, like a little sweaty drain hole. Out the side. Mankey. Grim.

That is today's top six. Companies are investing in a new invention, a soundproof pod. So you know a lot of workplaces have a lot of like cute, like our workplace here, we've got a lot of like little desks that you can hotspot from. What do they call it? Hot desks. I thought you were going to say hot box.

I was going to say those desks. They have like little cubicles if you can hot spot from. What do they call it? Hot desks. I thought you were going to say hot box. I was going to say those desks. They have little cubicles if you want to get away and do a bit of quiet work. You don't have to sit at your desk. And then you can kind of talk to people in there and the sound doesn't go out. Because they've got like high back and they kind of arch around. They're not fully enclosed.

Well, a new invention which is being brought into quite a few workplaces, soundproof cubicles, where people can go and have a really loud conversation because maybe they can't keep their voice down in an office environment. If I was a big dog, I'd have a soundproof office. Well, that goes without saying. Most of the time, bosses have a wall or a...

Really scream at someone. You feel like if you go in there, you're keeping a secret? Like, everyone will be like, why don't you want to hear? Like, who are you talking to? You know? Oh, yes. Some workplaces are so quiet. Like, some workplaces aren't even allowed, like, music or the radio on.

Oh, yeah, we work in a loud, pretty loud office. We don't know what that's like, but some workplaces are like, shh. And so if someone gets a phone call, everyone's listening. Yeah, we don't know what that's like, but some workplaces are like, shh. And so if someone gets a phone call, everyone's listening. Yeah, right. Okay. But what about putting people in there that were, like, annoying?

Like, just, like, every week you voted for who's in the cubicle this week. Because they're annoying. Yeah, like, Susan's going through a breakup, so she'll just start crying at her desk. You're supposed to be there for Susan, not put her in the cubicle. You've tried.icle. You've been there for three weeks, Susan. Pull your shit together. Get in the cubicle.

Poor Susan. Cry it out. Just get it out. You've got a week to get it out. So you can just see her in there like... Just like soundlessly... People can't see your face. She's still going. I can see it. She's still going. People always have that person at their work that annoys the hell out of them. Or the loud eater at the desk.

Yep. Is it smell proof? Like could you put the old tuna? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It has to be smell. Put the tuna in there. What did you point at Caitlin for?

Because she's the loud mouth eater. Oh, Caitlin, you're in the cubicle. She's not. No, I'm not. Actually, last night, yesterday afternoon, Caitlin played a're in the cubicle. She's not. No, I'm not. Actually, last night, yesterday afternoon, Caitlin played a little bit of Fortnite with Indy. And Indy, later on, she was like, you know, Caitlin was eating for a lot of that. She could hear her on the microphone. I was eating edamame beans.

Oh, right. Yeah, okay. Edamame beans are noisy little buggers to eat. Because you've got to half bite and then suck them out, don't you? I'm always very cautious about how loud my voice is. But you're eating? Oh, well, we'll jump in.

But in a quiet office, that would, especially if you didn't like the person, that would annoy the hell out of you. Maybe it would even just be someone who's always talking about an annoying subject. Right, okay. You know, like someone would always be talking about their dog or crowbarring.

I don't always talk about my dog. I mean, look at yours. Look at him. I don't have a dog. I don't bring up my dog because then you guys, it gives you a chance to say mean things. Okay. Could we take some calls right now? Who is the annoying person at your work that you can't stand that you'd put in a soundproof booth?

Who at your work's going in the box this week? It's a week-long stint. They get a chance to prove themselves. And why do they get on your nerves so much? And you know the old rule. Once you find something annoying about somebody, you can't help but notice it. Yeah.

Okay. And we can be anonymous. We don't have to use names here. Text us 9696 or give us a call right now, 0800-DARLS-AT-M. Who is the annoying person at your work that always gets on your nerves? FEM. We're talking about who would go in a box. I mean, like, not like that movie Seven.

That sounds bad. No, there's a new office device that's doing the rounds. And like not like that movie Seven with Brad Pitt. That sounds bad. No, there's a new office device that's doing the rounds. It's a soundproof box. We can go and make phone calls and everything, but you put it in there. Who would you put in? Who's the annoying person you work with that you put in the box?

And why? Some text messages in. Mary is the most annoying person at my work. She's constantly talking about her children, how they eat, what they ate, how long they slept for, what they've said. She loves these. Drives me crazy.

I'm with whoever that is. Get her in the box. Shut up. No one, get her. But then there's the opposite side of it. Somebody said, we've got two. We've got the boss

that won't stop talking about her dog, FFS. It's not a human, who cares? And the other is the lady who has no kids but always goes on about how kids suck and how she doesn't have kids but she doesn't want them. We get it.

You're old and you don't have kids. You don't have to justify it to us. Both in the box. Just both shut up. We've got this lady at our work who's just ever so miserable. She's like looking at the human version of sadness from inside out. Even when she looks at you, you can feel yourself catching it. You'll say, how are you?

But then you'll just get dragged into. I've worked with people like that and just always, everything's always wrong. Yeah, exactly. They're not nice people to be around. No. You don't want to be around people like that.

This person says, I understand everybody has bad days, but it's endless. So that'd be nice. Just put her in there and give the officer a break. That's right. Holly, who's the annoying workmate?

He was a guy that I used to work with when I lived overseas and he used to grind his own coffee beans at his desk. What do you have? One of those little mini grinders? Yeah, like a little mini grinder and you just hear this as he was like turning the grinder. Oh, so like a little mini grinder. And you just hear this... As he was, like, turning the grinder. Oh, so like a hand manual grinder.

Oh. A manual hand grinder. Oh, God. Oh, he was a party. And so every time... But what about the sweet smell of coffee beans? Or did that... Didn't matter?

Oh, that was completely overshadowed. That's the thing. Someone gets on your nerves. Everything they do, they can annoy you. Oh. Can't it. That's the thing. Someone gets on your nerves, everything they do, they can annoy you, can't it? That's horrible. At least he didn't have, like, a proper milk frother after that. Oh, you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Did he have a proper milk frother? No, no, he didn't. Good to know. Holly, thanks for your call. Ashley, who's the annoying workmate at your work? Hi, so there's this guy that wanders around the office eating carrots as loud as humanly possible.

Oh, he'd go in the box. Eat your carrots in the box. I never knew how loud a carrot could be until this guy made it happen. Is he an open mouth chewer? Yeah. He's so lovely and I just want to strangle him. Like Caitlin with the beans. Hey, thanks Caitlin. He's so lovely, and I just want to strangle him. Like Caitlin with the beans.

Hey, thanks for your call, Ashley. Thanks. Some other text messages. A girl on my work talks with her mouth full, but when she doesn't, she stores the food in her cheeks like a chipmunk. Often she'll do it with bananas, and you can hear that gross squelching noise that a banana makes as she talks. I don't know what we've been doing

over the last week. Just finish your banana, we can talk soon. I don't mind waiting 10 seconds. Your potassium intake is far more important than this. Every smoker when my boss eats his jaw clicks with every bite.

Once you hear it, you can't un-hear it. It's the most annoying thing in the world. Just that click, click, click. I'd put myself in there just because the rest of, click, click. I'd put myself in there. Just because the rest of my work's crazy, I'm the only normal one.

So I'd just, I'd bags it. And somebody said, we've got a one-upper at our work. Anything you've done, guaranteed she's done it bigger and better. She can go in the box. One-up herself. One-up herself in the box.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ooh, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I almost want to cancel the segment, given what I've just heard. I think we should reschedule the next break. No! We were going to talk about how T-Row's got no ATMs anymore, but I think we need to reschedule to... Laser, laser chat.

Laser chat. Okay. It was a girl chat that you happen to be privy to. Which you had in front of Vaughn and I, so now it's public domain. 132 rotations of the earth until it's Christmas,

ladies and gentlemen. That is crazy because it's payday tomorrow. So how many pays? Oh, yeah. We get paid monthly, so that means August September

October November December That's five pays See that's why I need to start my Christmas shopping That seems longer

Does it Yeah it does Because how many We get paid 12 times a year Yep That's how many months there are Yep Stay with me

The maths is a little bit slow this time of the day But then like next week it'll be four pays till Christmas Yeah okay Now that's when it starts feeling serious

If you get paid like twice a month that's only eight pays. Good work. What he did is he took four and then times it by two. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome.

Easy maths. Well, it's this Christmas with 132 days until Christmas that I can say we've got our first reports of a Christmas giveaway. Good Lord.

A Christmas giveaway. Like a hamper. This is some woodwork from the carpenter and co. Someone sent this in saying this feels a little early. It's the ultimate Christmas giveaway and it's for a Christmas Eve box, which I don't know, did you ever, we never

got presents on Christmas Eve. No, that seems a bit over the top. But then it's European tradition to do your presents on Christmas Eve, eh, that seems a bit over the top. But then it's European tradition to do your presents on Christmas Eve, eh? Is this for kids? Because you get a box of like pyjamas or like little treats in it for Christmas Eve. Because in Europe on Christmas Eve

do they, is that like a day off as well? I feel like last year when I was in Europe it was dead on Christmas Eve. You know like here in New Zealand everyone's still at the mall. The malls might shut at like seven or eight. Yeah. But people are still working, rushing around. Yeah.

But I feel like in Europe, they just have that day. It's pretty much off. It's done. Yeah. Everyone's packing up and getting ready. Well, it might be because it's presents and then the day is actually about food and family.

But the giveaway is for one Christmas Eve box and a set of three reindeer, all carved out of wood. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it is. Actually, that's pretty cool. But it's the first official Christmas giveaway. Wow. For the 2018 Christmas season. I have a Christmas report. I don't know if

anyone sent this in, but do you know I live over the road from that giant electronic billboard? Yes. Which light pollutes my lounge sometimes. Light pollution. Makes it hard to stargaze from the centre city. No other light pollution in the centre city apart from that huge billboard.

Yeah. There is an ad on there for Christmas races. Christmas races are imminent. So the Christmas races is always a big one because a lot of people do it as a Christmas party and they want to use the lounge facility so you need a book early if you want to go to the Christmas races. Right a big one because a lot of people do it as a Christmas party. And they want to use the lounge facility. So you need a book early if you want to go to the Christmas races. Right.

A workplace too. Right. Yeah. It's good to see the Christmas races are out there being reported. Spotlight's at it again. This is the third mention of Christmas in a spotlight catalogue. Hmm. Okay.

The third. A lot of people do Christmas decorations as crafts. So you'd have to get in, you know. Well, it's 30% off all Christmas fabrics. Yeah. Okay. Christmas fabric. It's August. Calm down, spotlight. And one of the fabrics is literally just red fabric. Oh,

right, okay. I wonder if it's up to you to justify how that would relate to your Christmas if you just needed some fabric and if you had a good enough yarn. Excuse the pun. They would give you 30% off fabric. But that's not all. This ad is actually entitled, It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas,

which is the name of this segment. Okay. And it's advertising bid food in Hawke's Bay saying it's time to order the Christmas ham. And there's a beautifully glazed Christmas ham in there. Oh, wow. Yeah, that does look nice. Yeah. I love a Christmas ham. And there's a beautifully glazed Christmas ham in there. Oh, wow. Yeah, that does look nice. Yeah.

I love a Christmas ham. Yeah. I always grew up on the plain hams, but I've had a glazed ham since, and I don't know how to raise it to my family that their hams are substandard. Well, they were obviously not splashing out, and they couldn't afford a proper... Oh, what, a bit of glaze? Why don't you just take over the ham one year? Well, I want to take over the ham. Mum said I'm not allowed to take over the ham. I've already taken over the turkey. Mum, I really want to give it a go this year. I want to bit of glaze. Why don't you just take over the ham one year? I want to take over the ham. Mum said I'm not allowed to take over the ham.

I've already taken over the turkey. Mum, I really want to give it a go this year. I want to try something. It's a meat coup. I'm making a slow meat coup. Right. Yeah, I'm doing it. Do it.

Just do it. Just say you've got a big free one from work. So you're going to do it. And then she'll be like, well, I won't buy one because Warren's got a free one. I don't want to pay for the ham. I just want a glaze. What? You just said you want to do the glaze.... Then I have to pay for it. I don't want to have to pay for the ham. I just want a glazer. What? You just said you want to do the glaze.

Yeah, I want to do a glaze. I don't have to pay for the ham. Oh, you buy it pre-glazed. What are you making a glaze for? There's two generations still alive. I shouldn't be paying for that Christmas ham. My time will come when I'm of the oldest generation. Well, no, if you're not paying for it, you can bloody well eat it how Christine makes it.

No, I'll cook it. She just has to buy it. No, you're a grown-ass man. You buy the ham. Oh, well. Plain ham it is. Oh, you can see how the plain ham happened. In fact, I think this argument's what we had last Christmas.

Right. No, I don't mind paying for a ham. And the final report for Christmas today, New Zealand candle suppliers have already got their Christmas fragrance selection in stores. Ready to go. What flavours are they? Well, it just says Christmas fragrances. Oh, like pine needles. You know, yeah, you know, Akoya do that pine one every year. Oh, that's good.

I always burn through it and then I miss it because I don't do it during the year, do they? Yeah, no. The pine smells like Christmas trees. It's amazing. Yeah, you need to stockpile it. I need to stockpile this season when they bring out smell like Christmas. That's the most Christmassy thing I've ever heard you say, by the way. Well, yeah, I don't want any Christmas decorations and treats.

You just like the smell of a pine forest. Do you like the smell of a 1980s investment portfolio? I do, yeah. When everyone was investing in pine forests. Endless acres of pine forests. Yes, I do. That are just now coming right. Well, 132 days away from Christmas,

and with all that in mind... Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Right now, Christmas penetration is at... 7.5%. Ooh, it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. FEM. We're going to have a cute little chat here about T-Row, a small South Waikato town best known for its antiques

and its stopover so mum can have a lamington and a cup of tea on the way to talk. Is that the place for the corrugated iron? The corrugated iron dog. Yep. And the shepherd in that. Yep. And the sheep. Let's talk about that.

So they've got rid of their last ATM. No ATMs. No ATMs. Done. Done. Story done. Done. Taken care of.

We would have probably found a way to blather on about that for a few minutes and it would have taken us on many tangents and we would have had a whole lot of fun and then later on today when we've got a meeting with a consultant he would have said

this went a little bit sideways but we're not going to. We're going to focus. We're going to focus on a new point of discussion. If you've just joined the show and in here at six o'clock we sung into her

Narnia happy birthday and it's her birthday today and she's 22 years old. Yep. And she just came in and out of kind of nowhere she said to Megan, what's the story with laser? I'm thinking of getting it done.

Now this isn't laser eye correction. This is laser hair removal. Laser hair removal. So the predicament is that I'm allergic to wax. So anything down there will make me into a baboon. Because remember you... Like the back of a baboon.

Exactly. But on the front. Yeah. So I'm just exploring my options. Very engorged. So engorged. Don't use that word, please. No. No.

No. Because do you remember that time you got threading on your face and you blew up as well? I do remember that time because I couldn't open my eyes for two days. Yeah, you looked like you'd been beast tongues on the face. You needed a sick day, didn't you? Yeah. You couldn't open your eyes.

So, God forbid if that happens down there. So, what do you do when you get laser treatment? Do you just get like a test spot? You know, when you like buy a carpet cleaner and it's like, find a spot of carpet that carpet's seen and do a test spot. No one's doing that. No one's got time for that.

Because you've just spilled something. You need to get it off the carpet. Yeah, they do a wee test patch to make sure that she didn't like flare up. On arm or on the specific region? Oh, I don't know. Because the arm's not the same as the... I know, that's not as sensitive as the heen.

But I was also explaining you need to have contrast between your skin colour and your hair colour for it to work. Otherwise the laser can't differentiate. That was when I first gagged on my breakfast. Intern Anya said, oh yeah, well it's not the same colour as my hair. And then in this weird tone, and I was like, ooh.

You laugh, guys. Then. No, no, we don't need to go into it. I feel it's odd to get a laser down there. Why? I don't know. It's just near your bits, isn't it? No, that's where everybody gets it.

That's the most popular point for lasers. That's what I've never understood is people who constantly go for waxes. Like, you're getting wax and then they're ripping it out. The cost of laser over, because you've had it done. Like, I started that five years ago and I don't get it anymore because I don't need to. How much do you reckon you would have spent in five years, though? Oh, maybe a couple of thousand. But if you break that down into, like like getting a wax every however long

six weeks a month yeah but right now I'm running a chic disposable razor so is it going to be cheaper than that grim

oh shit are you using like a foam a shaving foam or a gel no you don't use a foam you use a gel do you exfoliate

don't use a no I use the bar soap do you exfoliate you do not anymore. It is grim. I was wondering what to get you for your birthday. I'm going to go get a nice sensitive shaving cream. Not cream.

That's what I use. A gel. Yeah, though, I use the sensitive, the mungle. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's mungle scented. Yeah. It's like you're in the tropics. Every time you shave your pubes, it's like you're in the tropics.

Oh, my God. It's beautiful. Primal earth, yeah. Love it. Do you need to exfoliate?. Oh, my God. It's beautiful. Primal earth, yeah. Love it. Do you need to exfoliate? No. Okay.

Okay, well, anyway. What sort of operation are you running? Shaving with a shit disposable with bar soap and not exfoliating? It must be a pimply mess down there. An ingrown pimply mess. It's like, you know, when there's been a lot of rain and there's a mud patch and then it dries and it goes hard and crackly.

It's her birthday. Don't talk about her vagina like that. Yeah, don't insult me right now. It's my birthday. Well, would you please, you're 22, it's time to start looking after your nether parts.

Treating them with some goddamned respect. And when you think it can't get any worse than this, it does. Because during the song, Megan drops a bombshell. Okay.

Because she's like, oh, so you're going to. My father-in-law listens to this show. Right into the brown eye of the storm we cry. Because Megan admitted that she gets her butthole lasered. She's like, yeah, you just can't stop there. You've got to roll right through to the butthole. And I was just like. Thank you for telling the culture that.

Well, it's just like maintenance, isn't it? Well, I mean, it makes sense. I just haven't thought about it. It's not the situation. Well, it's not, actually, currently. FYI. Hey, I take care. Because I thought running into like, if you stopped like every time you stopped at the gooch, currently FYI hey I'd take care

if you stopped like every time you stopped at the gooch then just that there'd be a weird little tuft like a goatee or a soul patch

a soul patch for the vagina or the butthole always get rid of the goatee gooch get rid of the gooch goatee no one likes the gooch goatee

but if you're talking to a woman who's using a bar soap, a shit disposable razor and not exfoliating. Find me a better bargain, I say. I mean, I don't think you'll be able to do it for cheaper. You're right. But you've really got to respect your nether regions. You really do.

Because that's not a good healthy mix. I mean, the razor doesn't feel like a hot rubber band flick. But, you know, you'll be fine after. You'll be done. You'll be done. God, please, we need to get you some serious help. Maybe we should all pitch in for your birthday for some shave gel. I know some people.

On and off. They're good people. They look after me and my back. Can we rag on you and your back? No, but he maintains. I get it done. I exfoliate and I moisturise. And he can't laser his back because he'll be there forever and a day.

It's a lot of real estate. It's like a vagina times 20. And I will say just as soft. Okay. Because of the exfoliating and the moisturising, you should try it.. Oh, okay. Okay. Because of the exfoliating and the moisturising, you should try it. Cracked dried puddle. That's her birthday.

Don't call her a cracked dried puddle on her birthday. No. Can I pencil that in? I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. Siri, set a reminder to call Anna a crack-dried puddle at 7.20 tomorrow morning. Okay, I'll remind you. Thank you.

ZM, please. ZM, please. You totally behave, please. We're moving on. He's a mess. We need to sort our life out. Want to talk now about a crash diet plan. This is from the 70s.

And the reason everyone's discovered it is because it's been unearthed from Vogue's 1977 beauty issue. And it's a diet. So that's like, what, over 40, 41 years ago. Yeah. 42 years ago. They loved, I mean, now we can kind of all agree that crash diets can be quite dangerous

and they're not good and you end up putting anything you lose, you're likely to gain straight back. But man, they loved a crash diet back in the day. Was it that Netflix show, did they do a little 15 minute on diets? Was that where I... Yeah, yeah, yeah, unexplained, that Netflix show. And they did, they delved into like the fact that diets have been around for like years

and years, hundreds of years. Like even back to the early days, someone wrote a book that everybody, you know, kind of bought and got into. Well, this one is hilarious. I don't think you should try it for a few reasons, especially if you've got a job. Or you need to function as an adult. I'll be looking for a reason to quit, so lay it on me. So this was targeted at females.

It was three days and it said you could lose 2.5 kgs in that time. Okay. And it's called the wine and egg diet. Right. So breakfast, I can tell you. Is it the same every day? Yeah. Or is it one of those seven-day meal plans? No, same every day. Okay. So I'm going to read you breakfast, lunch, and you. Is it the same every day? Yeah. Or is it one of those seven-day meal plans?

No, same every day. Okay. So I'm going to read you breakfast, lunch, and dinner. For three days? For three days. And then you'll lose 2.5 kgs. Okay, hit us. Breakfast.

One egg, hard-boiled. One glass of white wine, dry. And black coffee. What's a dry white wine? Is that a chardonnay? Maybe. Is's a dry white wine? Is that a Chardonnay? Maybe. Is that a dry white? Just in the supermarket.

Well, you just get a cask. It says white, dry. Yeah, you would literally get that. Yeah. That one we're all thinking of right now that was always in mum's cupboard growing up. Yeah. Just to deal with the kids. Yeah, the white cask wine.

So, yeah, one glass for breakfast. And then you'd taste that down with a coffee. A coffee. Okay. Or you could have the wine second. Okay. Doesn't specify. Lunch is two hard-boiled eggs is best, but poached if necessary.

Okay. So, two eggs, two glasses of white wine. Yeah, well, it's lunchtime, isn't it? And a black coffee. Yeah. Poached eggs. I can only eat poached eggs if they're on something. Yeah, because there's nothing to soak up unless you're doing. Poached eggs. I can only eat poached eggs if they're on something. Yeah, because there's nothing to soak up

unless you're doing like hard poached eggs. Oh, yuck. But this was the 70s. They always loved a hard poached egg. Yeah. So it's like 12 o'clock and you've had three glasses of wine. And three eggs. So your guts is in absolute shambles.

And two coffees, black coffees. Dinner time is 150 grams of steak, which you're allowed grilled with black pepper, lemon juice, and then you top that off with the remainder of the bottle of white wine. So three glasses. Is there six glasses per normal bottle? Not the way I pour them, but I believe if you're giving a small, if you're doing a small pour.

So yeah, remainder of the bottle of wine and a black coffee. So you're having a bottle of wine every day on this diet. This sounds great. And a coffee at dinner time. Yeah.

Oh, I wouldn't be able to sleep. No, neither would I. Huh. So, but you're only eating protein as well. Eggs and steak every day. That's it. Wow.

What have Vogue said about this? Well, they haven't commented at the moment, but back then it's supposed to make you feel sexy, exuberant, and full of joie de vivre. You know, like full of life. Because you're drunk. Yeah. I thought joie de vivre was French for farts

because you would certainly be on the eggs. More than a little gassy on that situation. Caitlin was just telling us a friend of hers has met a guy and he seems to be the whole deal after a few dates.

How many dates? Show off. They've been on like six or seven, I think. Right. So, I mean, we talked recently. It's after what, nine dates? Nine dates, yeah.

You know, that becomes the good time to become official. Yeah. So they're getting towards that period. But? Well, the problem is he's too perfect. Oh, for God's sake. There are literally no red flags. Like, you're always like, oh, I want the perfect guy.

He's this, and she's found it. And she's like, ugh. So he's perfect for her, like what she's wanted in her, you know, you write down a list. All girls do it. I know they say they don't, but they do. And like when she's describing him to me, I'm like, oh, my God, he is perfect.

But I understand where she's coming from because everyone's got red flags. Like, look at the two of you. Red flags everywhere. What are our red flags? Well, no, I'm not going to go into that. I would say your most glaring red flag right now is your phone is screened down. Yeah. And what have you got to hide from anybody here?

I literally just came back from the bathroom, so I put it down like that. That's how I put it down. I know that you eat it now. It's developed a habit. You eat five mandarins every morning, red flag. Vaughn. Don't get me started on you.

You wear the same thing every day. It's not a red flag. It's convenience. No, I don't want to play this game. Yeah, I don't want to. this game Yeah I don't want to I think that's Dangerous No

Exactly You don't want your red flags So for my friend He's everything that she Has like wanted for a while What does she think She's not worthy of it Now that she's found it

Is that the problem Is it a little bit of Self esteem I think she's just worried Because she doesn't see Any red flags that obviously there is something. Yeah, like there's going to be something massively bad.

Well, if he cares what he's hiding, he's obviously pretty good at hiding it. No, but it's going to come out. Are you? And also, that's not a good way to be. No, that sounds to me like I'm just waiting for something to be wrong with him. Yeah. Like, just enjoy it. No, because we're so used to there always being, like, a problem.

When there's not not you're like oh it's gonna be really bad and you want it to be like you do want a little problem like oh he doesn't

you know like he makes his tea weird or something son of a bitch like before he takes out the tea bag oh

if like that was a problem then I'd be like okay there's the red flag that's good we can continue that was a really bad example I know that was a bad, then I'd be like, okay, there's the red flag. That's good. We can continue on. That was a really bad example. I know, that was a bad example.

But like, I don't know. You need, I understand where she's coming from. There needs to be like a little something. So is she going to end it because he's too perfect? Well, no, I'm trying to convince her not, even though like I. This sounds way more of internal issue for her than it is with him.

Yeah. No, I totally get it. Yeah, I think we're just we've been burnt a lot in the past and I think she's just There's something wrong

with all men so when there's one that's got nothing wrong with them you're like there's something really bad wrong with them. Like what a serial murderer

a serial killer. He's keeping it quiet and then... Or they're saying, or they've got a wife or something, I don't know. Yeah. That is such a pessimistic way of looking at things.

I know, and I'm probably going to get so much hate about this, but it's just the way that we function sometimes. Me and my friend. No, I get it. I get it.

Well, that's three out of three so far. That's crazy. Yeah, I don't. I don't. Does this affect anybody outside of this radio show? I mean, your friend's not. It doesn't work here, but. Like, then it's someone too perfect.

Yeah. And it becomes a problem. They're so perfect that it makes them non-perfect. That's madness. Yeah, very few people would be in that situation. And I don't want to tread,

I don't want to tread over the toes here, but it feels more like it would be females that would have this problem. I wouldn't imagine there'd be too many guys because we're just like

pretty stoked. Stoked to get someone like perfect. Yeah, yeah. We'd be like, oh my God, they're perfect. That's great. This is all perfect. I'm happy. Now I need to be fed

and I need some water and I'm simply perfect. Okay, well, let's take some calls. Have you ever been in this situation where you've met someone and they've been too perfect, no red flags, and so you're like,

no, I can't do this. Something's wrong. Yeah. Also because it's a bit boring, isn't it? Like there's nothing, you know. You want a bad boy? Yeah. What do you want to fix?

A fixer-upper. So you've been offered like a brand new house at a decent price, but you're like, I am drawn towards that shitty old drafty villa over there. Yeah, what do they say? The worst house on the best street. Okay, but you've got the best house on the best street.

9696 to text. You can call us 0800-DARLS-IT-IN. Has anybody ever been too perfect that it's made them not perfect? We're talking about when somebody was so perfect that it made them imperfect. No red flags became a red flag. Which sounds crazy, but this is something that people go through. Sounds crazy to you.

Caitlin's friend is in this situation at this very moment. A guy is perfect. Yeah. And you said it's because you've been burnt so many times previous. Yeah, I think she's just a bit weary because like, but she's not saying that she's perfect. Everyone's just like, ah,

how is someone perfect? As somebody text messaged in it was a good point. You say I've been burnt so that, you know, the reason is that they've been burnt so many times, but then when they're not being burnt, they still go looking for a fire. Huh. Deep, man, deep.

Just enjoy the cool Pool of Perfection I guess Somebody said And I mean you might not even I mean you've got these details Caitlin

But you might not want to share But she slept with him Because A few people have said I thought I found Mr. Perfect Till Till the sleeping together And it wasn't compatible

Whatsoever I'm not gonna disclose Okay No That's something to Somebody to take into consideration Somebody said I've been called Mr. Right But just not Mr. Right now I'm not going to disclose. Okay, no, that's something to take into consideration. Somebody said, I've been called Mr. Right,

but just not Mr. Right now a few times. Oh. But then when is Mr. Right going to get a shot? That's all right, because you don't want someone who's not into you. You know? Yeah, true. Greer, what do you think? I just think that wait till she moves in with him because he's bound to

leave his wet towel on the bed or leave his dirty washing next to the washing basket. Right, so it's not going to take long until he stuffs up and he's not perfect. No, exactly. But then you have that moment of yeah, he's not perfect, but then pick your towel up!

There's like that split second of happiness. Yeah, have you dated the perfect guy, Greer? No. No. He's like that split second of happiness. Yeah. Have you dated the perfect guy, Greer? No. No. He's perfect for me, but he's definitely not perfect. Right.

But then nobody is, are they? No. But that's what's scary about the perfect guy. That's why you're waiting. Something's got to be wrong. Greer, thanks for your call. Caitlin, you are with the perfect person, or so you thought when you first got with them.

Yes, I am. No, still with them. Okay. Yep, and I really think that that's exactly how you know that you're with the perfect person because there are no red flags. And if you get in a relationship and there's kind of no alarm bells, then you should just take that as it being there's no bad signs. Maybe you're meant to be.

Is that a sign of love, not seeing them as red flags? Exactly. And the things that you kind of do think are a bit annoying about the person, they kind of just become the things that you grow to love about them. And so I do think that you should really kind of not worry about that. Yeah. Finally, you should carry on. Other Caitlin, what do you think about that?

Do you think that's a good point? Yeah, I mean, that made my heart flutter. Thanks, Caitlin. But yeah, no, you're right. But your friend doesn't see it that way. To her, it's a problem. I know, but then that's why I'm, like, putting it on the radio so that we can, like, I'm telling her to listen and saying, like.

I think it's way more an insecurity of hers. Right. Right? That's everybody's sort of general agreement. Our psychologist said it's self-sabotage. You think something's too good for you, you don't deserve it. So that's why if something's too good, you must look for something wrong with them,

which is a sad way to live. But then it's hard for me to say because I'm perfect, so I don't kind of understand. Should we get Sade on? Oh, no, she doesn't think I'm perfect. I'm talking about my own thoughts upon myself. Right. Yeah, oh, no.

God, she's probably got a list of them all along. Getting longer every day. But oh well. She can't stack a dishwasher, so nobody's perfect. Well, we didn't even ask for it, but they came a-knocking that they wanted, now that Love Island's finished, to play Fortnite with the boys, and they

put forth the challenge of a girls versus boys Fortnite. Because we've got nothing to fill our days. We're like, ooh, what are you doing over there? Can we play? Fortnite. That's what we're doing over here. And yesterday Megan dropped in for the first time. When she got online though, she thought, I'm going to

get a bit of practice and dropped into a solo match. And that is a baptism of fire. Is that where all those other real professionals... Yeah. I was excited when you're flying in that bus and I was like, this is what James and Bourne always talk about, the battle bus.

Yeah. And then you like literally drop out of the bus. Yeah. Like drop in. We were dropping. Yeah. It's so cute. Yeah, well the slang starts making sense

when you get into it. But I had had no tutorial at this point from anyone or anything. So I was literally like, I had an axe and I was running slowly because I didn't know how to run fast around. And one time I found a gun and as I was about to shoot someone for the very first time, someone came up behind me and shot me dead.

And that was like a minute into it. It's all on all. She's all go. Okay. Caitlin had a little bit of game time yesterday with my daughter. Yeah. Because she was having a sick day and I was father of the year and I had some stuff to do.

So I needed someone to babysit my kids. So James and Caitlin looked after Indy in a squad match. And it honestly sounded like she was teaching you some things. She was like, Caitlin, press the square. Like, I don't know what to do. And because I get so stressed out, like, it makes my heart race. Because you get stuck in the, what is the thing, the blue stuff? In the storm.

In the storm. And you can't get out. You've got to get out of the storm. And he's like, it's okay. Keep running. It's okay. Just keep running. And I'm like, he's stressing.

James and Vaughn look very confident here at the upcoming. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. This was during the day yesterday. It was. Right. But last night, we had some expert tutorial from someone who you've actually played with, Vaughn.

Kelsey 007. 007. And Kelsey joins us. Hello, Kelsey. Good morning, Kelsey. Good morning. She's just squeezing in a quick 30 v 30. Now, Kelsey, how did it go last night?

Don't give away our strat, babes. But, like, yeah, how'd it go? It was pretty painful. Oh, my God. What was that? trying to get into the same like into the same lobby to just start the game we're like megan accept the invite megan megan that wasn't my fault it kept throwing me off it's like that's true you've been logged out and i was like but why what did i do so megan can't even get into the bus let let alone, right, okay. So actually, yeah, poor Kelsey's just like forced friendships with us.

I'm calling her on my phone. She's like, yeah, you've got to like plug it in. And then Kelsey was like a teacher. She's like, listen, hey, you're going to need to listen here. Megan, listen. Right. So when you finally got into, you know, into some action, how do you think they did, Kelsey, for their first time?

Honestly, I was actually kind of surprised at how well Megan did. It started off really rocky, but she picked it up pretty quickly. Thank you. Tell everyone about my building. She was really good at building. She is definitely the builder of the team. Oh, it's so good to have a builder.

That's the one thing we don't really have in our squad, James. You're probably our best builder. one thing we don't really have in our squad, eh, James? You're probably our best builder. Yeah, we don't really build too much. No, we just battle. Yeah. And how would you, what's like the tactic of really good people? Like what's key, do you think?

I'm not too sure. I'm trying to get you to say building. That's what Kelsey said to me last night. She's like, you know, the key is really like learning how to build fast. All the best players are great builders. But once I have ammo and a gun, I just go... Whatever, you threw a stink bomb on yourself and you died. That was a mistake. That was a mistake.

But I know how to shoot a gun. Right. When I get one. So, Kelsey, I know it's early stages but who are you picking to win boys versus girls Fortnite? Well, I just,

I want to say the girls just because I just feel like they're just going to pull it out of the bag and the boys are just going to, I think the boys will choke. Yep. Yes, Kelsey.

Yeah, girl. Full choke. Bit of beginner's luck that sort of, right. Bit of a Mighty Ducks situation. And we already know that you just have to shoot all the bushes and you'll...

Exactly. Because all night, all night, all night, all night. So how many days or weeks training do we need before this big match then, Kelsey? What, for the boys or for the girls? For the girls. Well, I reckon they could probably do good on their own. I've taught them the basics.

They just pretty much just have to practice it. Okay, so another week? We do need it, yeah. I love how she's given you one. She's like, I'm out. I'm out. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to... We don't know how to get into the game, though.

That's the thing. But once we're there... Once we're in, we're good. Bloody look out. We're good. Bloody look out. Kelsey, thank you so much for your expert tutorial. No problem.

Okay. Hopefully it doesn't go to waste. Okay. So you've got a lot to live up to. Drag your reputation down with it. Yeah. God, I felt so sorry for her last night. Thank you, Kelsey.

Yeah. Just like real strain on her night. Yeah. She's like, and she's played with me. So you know she's used to terrible people. Yeah. Horrible technique. All right, well, we'll give you guys some more practice time,

and then the match will be official, and we're going to stream it too. Okay, bring it on. The big Fortnite battle, boys versus girls. FEM. It's 132 days until Christmas, I believe. Correct. And there is an integral part of Christmas. It's not the presents.

It's not even Santa. It's Christmas decorations. And last year, I got a lot of heat because I put up my Christmas tree in October. I feel even talking about this is too early. Well, there's a reason I'm talking about it. Because those people who put up their Christmas decorations early are individuals who have a psychological makeup, which means they lead to more fulfilled lives,

and they are the happiest in life. Put up your Christmas decorations today, and you're happy. You'll be happy. No, I think it means that those people are generally more happy. You're going to get to have the time without Christmas to appreciate Christmas though.

We've had time. If you're smearing it over the last half of the year. That's eight months without Christmas. No, I know that. You're smearing it like a focused Christmas effort.

Right. From when? From like mid-November. Okay, right. I like to drag the festivities out as long as possible, like to enjoy every aspect. Didn't you do, when you were living in the bigger house last year...

Two Christmas trees? Yeah. Yeah. Madness. I'll do it again too, because I've still got both of them. One's big and one's small. Yeah, because I was going to say, if you got real ones, you'd be going through it.

Yeah, no. But I don't think, like, if you put up your Christmas tree now, that's not going to make you happy. He doesn't even have a Christmas tree. I don't have one. I don't want one. You don't have a Christmas tree? Well, I'm never home at my house.

Well, you've got the pink one. It was at my last flat, though. Oh, no. Wasn't I the one that owned the gay Christmas tree? That was an absolute treasure. It was delightful. I looked up online how much those cost. It's so expensive.

It was extravagant. You need a Christmas tree. How do you know it's Christmas? But I'm never home. Do you put any decorations up? He always goes away. He's overseas for Christmas. I know, but like towards the end. But like, what about November? No, because then I come back in January and I'm like, well, it's not Christmas. Now I've got to take this down.

But that's when you write yourself the Christmas note for next year. Oh, you do that. Yeah, okay. You do that stupid thing where you pack your Christmas trap and write a note to yourself. He's got a cat too. The cat will destroy it. Oh, you're easily amused. Just tie it up against the wall and then it won't pull it down.

Almost want to get one just to see how much carnage he causes with it. Yeah, so you won't tell him off if he gets up in there. No, no. I'll find it fun. See, that would be a great gram. It'd be a great gram. It'd make a funny video, that's for it. Yeah, so you won't tell him off if he gets up in there. No, no, I'll find it fun. See, that would be a great gram. It'd be a great gram. And make him a funny video, that's for sure. Yeah.

Of the cat destroying. I'll just get a cheap Kmart one. Because they'll start, all these places are going to start stocking them soon. There's nothing wrong with Kmart Christmas trees and Kmart Christmas decorations. No, I'm not saying there is. I'm just saying that all these places

are going to start stocking them soon. Yeah. And it's a vicious cycle. Maybe you should try it. Maybe it could be the thing that, like, breaks you and gives you, like, feels. Like you have a Christmas awakening. Christmas tree. Right, like a Christmas Grinch.

Yeah, yeah, like that one where you get the past, the present and the future. Christmas ghosts and they show you what you are and what you are now and what you were and what you'll become. And all three will be exactly the same for you. Right. Just be very grinchy. Yeah, I don't think I'll get one. And then the ghost is like,

so here we are at the end of the adventure, Mr. Fletcher. You know, have you learned anything? You'd be like, just leave me alone. Bugger off. No, I haven't. I'm still going to go overseas. And will you pack up this tree? And you've left tinsel all over the ground.

Pick that all up and get it out of here. See, it makes him angry. I feel bad for you. I feel like you're missing out. On Christmas decorations. Nah, he doesn't need it. Look at him. What?

Look at you. You don't need Christmas decorations. No, no, no. There's no more happy without them. I'm happy without them. Okay. Happy enough. Yeah. Okay. Just give up on him. Just Christmas decorations. No, no, no. I'm happy without them. I'm happy without them. Okay. Happy enough. Yeah.

Okay. Just give up on them. Just give up. He's a lost cause. Yep. If you want to come around and decorate one. You know I will. Oh my God, no.

I will. That was what she wanted you to do. That was what she wanted you to do. I know how they work. I'm going to. I will do that for you. No. You're in trouble now.

I'm going to vomit Christmas all over your house. Well, either way, we're not talking about this or doing it until at least the start of December. Four weeks. Oh, okay. Okay, pencil that in. Megan's decorating Fletcher's house at the start of December. Don't go crazy, though.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Just a reminder as well, we've got our next Fact of the Day pub quiz coming up in Howick in Auckland at Boson's the 22nd of August, 6.30. So that's not this Thursday, next Thursday. You can register ZM Online. We've also got a New Plymouth Fact of the Day pub quiz coming up as well. That's

penciled in for September. Yeah, that's a few weeks after that. All the details ZM Online. $1,000 prize money for the winning team. Today's Fact of the Day is to do with tickles. Fan of tickles? Not really. Fan of tickles? Not really. Fan of tickles?

No. Like an aggressive tickle attack. Like a soft tickle on your back's all right. Oh, that's a lovely tickle. Oh, yeah, that's more like a soft touch, though. Yeah, not like a tickle under the arm. Not a fan of a full-blown tickle attack. No. I don't know many people that are a fan of a tickle attack.

Like David Ferry's documentary, Tickled. Tickled. Where that kind of gets into the erotic. Yeah, semi-erotic situation there with tickling. But this is not today's fact of the day, but of course you can't tickle yourself in the same way your brain associates it with. Because you know what I love? You know those head ticklers? Oh, yeah. Oh, they're so good.

There was a few names of them. The Orgasmatron was one of them. Right. And it's got the little wiry things. Yeah, and you go over the top of your head. Oh, it's so nice. Just like, oh, that feels good. But yeah, again, you can't do that to yourself.

No, it's always better when somebody else does it. Yeah, yeah. And it's because your brain knows what it's doing. Yeah. Your brain knows, like when you push the orgasmatron down, your brain knows that your arm's pushing it down, so it knows to expect where it's about to feel. But the tickling comes from the unpredictable nature

of other people's movements. You don't know what's happening. Like you can't tickle yourself. But if somebody else did that to you, you'd be like, ah, leave me alone, and you'd be all, well. Some people can tickle themselves. Schizophrenics can tickle themselves. If you can tickle yourself to the point of having like a tickle attack on yourself,

you may have on the sliding scale of schizophrenia somewhere along there, schizophrenic tendencies. Basically, the same way that paranoid schizophrenics can hear voices or think something's invading their body, it's their brains become disassociated with what it's feeling. So it must be somebody else doing it. Or a thought that the brain doesn't know that it's thinking it. Okay.

Because it's an illness. So the brain doesn't know it's thinking it. So it's like, that's a voice telling me to do something. Where it's just some weird weird subconscious thought that you're experiencing but you've separated it from yourself in the same way that they can tickle, people with schizophrenia can tickle themselves and they don't

know where the next movement's going to be because their brain can disassociate the tickling from the movement of tickling. Even though they're doing it. Yeah. Wow. Okay. So how do you think That explains that thing I do Where I put my arm out

And tickle the inside Of my elbow And then up and down No but that's different Because that's light touching That feels good That feels so good Yeah that feels nice

It's not like you're laughing At the unexpected nature of it No No But it feels good And then every now and then It gets too much And you've just got to

Rub away the tickle Yeah Sometimes you do that When we're talking on air And I'm like What are you doing? It just puts me at ease. It calms me endlessly, this.

Apparently I've done it since I was a kid. Always tickled the inside of my arm. Yeah, you stop and you're like, oh no, too much. I go to rub like it's like, no, mate, you're enjoying that a bit too much. Not at work, not at work. You give yourself a quick rub off. I mean, what? I mean, the butt on my arm bone on my arm. I mean tickling.

Rub that away. There's probably a lot of people right now testing if they can tickle themselves and some people panicking. Don't panic. Sure. Try not to panic. Today's fact of the day is schizophrenic patients can tickle themselves.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. There's a couple of new baby trends when it comes to naming. So 90s pop culture icons is a trend that we're seeing at the moment and also apparently gender neutral names are massive this year. There's a third one. Yeah. Sam.

Sam, Alex. Cameron. Well, Cameron Diaz. Oh, yeah. Okay. Danny. Yep. But that depends how it's spelled, I guess.

Yeah. Danny's with an I would be more female. Am I? R-O-B-I-N would be the male version. Yeah. R-O-B-I-N. B-B. Just one B.

Two Bs. One B. Two Bs. One B. Like the singer. One B. Feminine two Bs. Okay, so the third trend is to name your child after IKEA furniture.

I'm down. Or like table. You know how they always use like cute Scandi names for like different products? I do. Shall I go to the IKEA website or have you got some examples? I've got some examples here, but you can always hit me with some more. Okay. So they're saying a lot of them are even gender neutral, you could say.

They'll go well with a boy or a girl. So this is kind of a new hipster trend is that people are choosing cute IKEA names to name their baby. Okay. I don't know how I would spell them. An easy one, say them. An easy one is Stefan with an F. Okay. Tarva, T-A-R-V-A.

Tarva. Ivor. Tobias Stig although that just reminds me of Top Gear the guy off Top Gear

yep Franklin Ingo I-N-G-O Ingo Ingo no I've got the I've just searched the catalogue

and I've got the Vedbo armchair tall 299 Vedbo Vedbo that sounds like a villain's name eh

yeah your namey kids sounds like a villain's name, eh? Yeah. Your namey kid's name sounds like a villain. It could be. Melinda. That's quite cute. Melinda. That sounds like it would be an Ottoman. Or a TV cabinet.

The Melinda. The Melinda cabinet. With a sliding drawer to hide you. When you said that, I thought a bookshelf. Oh, okay. The Melinda bookshelf. The Melinda bookshelf. Henrika.

Henrika. Marta. Meidel. Where are IKEA getting these names from? Well, they scanned it. The Melinda Bookshelf. Henrika. Henrika. Marta. Mydal. Where are IKEA getting these names from? Well, they scanned it. Are they scanning in people's names? Or the Billy Bookcase. The Billy Bookcase.

It's only 179. No, but you know the Billy Bookcase is like one of the most popular pieces of IKEA furniture ever? Really? Like most British households have a Billy Bookcase. Well, they're great. They've got a window on the front of them. What about like their new collection is called Amaldaba? Oh, Amaldaba.

Amaldaba. Far Greek. I've got a Far Greek bowl, 249. Jat-a-leeg. Okay. Bleak, bleak, burget. Your kid's just going to spend half its time explaining that it's not from a Scandinavian country.

Yeah, and it was just a bookcase from Ikea. Just from Tawa. I'm not from Copenhagen. Some of these are cute though. I don't know. Okay, well, if we wanted to get like local on it rather than using Ikea, I've just got Freedom Furniture up. Okay.

You could name them after the Atticus Stool. Atticus? Atticus. Okay. The Brandon Dining Chair. That's quite fancy though. Brandon. What about Kmart?

Some Kmart furniture pieces. Do they name their things so? I don't know. Will you just be calling your kid Kmart Stool? Okay. Or Wire Basket. Oh, yeah. White industrial stool.

Yeah, concrete. Dip. Okay. It's time for the last cause. Our prize this week, every day, a double pass to see Pink when she's in New Zealand. She's back. She's in Australia at the moment, and she's well. She's doing her concerts in Sydney again.

She got sick. Yeah, she'll be fine for when she gets to New Zealand. She's not here for like another month. We're fine. Three weeks. That's a month. Yeah. Did she get a course of antibiotics, did she?

What's the story? I think so. What was her treatment? A lovely stint at Byron Bay on the beach. She'd want to make sure, if you had gastro, that you're well enough to fling around in the rafters. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't want to shit yourself. No, yeah. That's what I're well enough to fling around in the rafters. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't want to shit yourself. No, yeah. That's what I was alluding to. Well wrapped in silk. Because then when she does the roll down thing, she just leaves a brown streak behind her. And she flies over the audience. It wouldn't be pretty.

Oh, God. It wouldn't be pretty. So that's why. But yeah, coming to New Zealand soon and a double passing of the way. Last calls. Katie, what's your story for last calls? Okay. a double passing of the way. Last calls. Katie, what's your story for last calls? Okay, so my friends and I, who are mainly guys, we went out boating on the lake.

Okay. And we were on the biscuit. Okay. Yep. Oh, my God, she's dead. That's what's happened. She's on the biscuit. She's on the biscuit.

We'll just pop you on hold there, Katie, if you can hear us. Oh, it's a two-part. We'll see if we can get you back. I think we've lost Katie there, the bad phone reception. She's on the biscuit. Because now I need to know what happened on the biscuit.

Taryn, good morning. Hi. What's your story for last calls? So when me and my sister were younger, we shared a room. I'm pretty sure I was the lucky one and had the top bunk. Okay.

My brother was a frequent sleepwalker and my mum was a light sleeper, so she regularly managed to steer him in the right direction to the bathroom. Yeah. She saved us a couple of times from us being the bathroom. Then one morning she woke up and discovered that the dryer was wet. So she cleaned it up and didn't really think much of it. And then the next day or the day after, my brother said, Mum, I had a really weird dream.

And she goes, what was that? And he goes, I had a dream I peed on the dryer. And that's when she realised that it was wet. Oh. That's so weird. Which I can't repeat. Well, it's a white thing with like a toilet seat looking. But he dreamt he was pulling in the dryer.

Yeah, well, he doesn't wake up. He has no idea where he was. So I'm glad she saved us regularly. Does he still sleepwalk now that he's an adult? No, as far as I know, he doesn't. But he used to do it a lot. But I think he has stopped. Yeah, because it's terrifying the stories you hear,

because they don't know they're doing it, do they? Yeah. No, it was completely blank. They had no idea. Okay, Taryn, wait there. I believe we've got Katie back. Katie, when we left you, you were on the biscuit, on the lake. Okay, sorry.

I was on the lake, on the biscuit. Yeah. And we hit a big bump, and as you do, you like fall off. Yeah. So, yeah, I started swimming towards the biscuit to hop back on. I was doing freestyle. We head down and I keep there. I look up and everyone's laughing at me.

And I had no idea what was going on. Yeah. And then I realized that my bikini bottoms had fallen off. So I was like face down in the water, don't freestyle, and your butt's like sticking up, wiggling away. And I probably swam like a good like 20, 50 metres or something and just realised the whole time. And there was no getting those bottoms back, was there?

No, not on Biscuit and they could have been anywhere. Flung off. Yeah. Oh, no, one of the guys did find them, luckily, but... This wasn't safe. Then you have to get back in the boat and you've got no bottoms. Yeah. Oh no. All right, let's vote.

The Tribal Council for our favourite story now for last calls. Oh, I don't know. What are you voting for? Yep, votes cast. Okay, okay. Yep, yep. Congratulations. Katie, a double pass for you.

Well done. Oh, thank you so much. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. For more, check out ZDM online. ZDM.