ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - February 14 2019

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Happy Valentines day!! Vaughan nearly lost his penis and what is your first Valentine up to now?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome one, welcome all to the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast brought to you by Spark. Get four gigs of bonus data on Spark's $49 prepaid value pack. Now, on with the podcast. It's on. Ziddyms, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Thanks, Anja. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day.

Caitlin, happy Valentine's Day. And I have a boyfriend. And you drew love hearts on our paper for us. I don't know what's more annoying, the fact that every other Valentine's Day you haven't had a boyfriend and you go on about it, or the fact that now you do have a boyfriend, you're going on about it.

Good Lord, I hope it's everything you want it to be. Otherwise, tomorrow we are going to hear about it. We're going out for dinner. Okay. That was a surprise. Otherwise, tomorrow we are going to hear about it. We're going out for dinner. Okay. That was a surprise. Well, that's not a surprise. Otherwise, you'd be like, what are we doing tonight? And then you'd just turn up and you'd be going out for dinner.

There's a place we're going out to. Oh, so you're surprising him. No, he's surprising me. He's surprising you. Oh, I hope you're not at the same restaurant as me. I mean, that would be great. That would be great. No, because you'll totally kiss at the same restaurant as me. I mean, that would be great. That would be great. No, because you'll totally kiss at the restaurant.

You're in that stage. I've seen that. But they kiss too. Yeah, that's all good. They're in love. Oh, are you? No, I don't know. No, she hasn't told me that.

I was just... Has not said that. No, she didn't say that to me. Oh, my God. I haven't said that. No, I just meant like... Oh. I haven't. No, I swear to God she hasn't said that to me. Oh, my God. I haven't said that. No, I just meant like the rest. Oh. I haven't.

We're not. No, I swear to God she hasn't said that to me. Oh, my God. Shut up on that. No, I swear to God it's not. Whoopsie. An absolute roasting. What's that?

It's the cat out of the bag. Oh, my God. Don't be silly. Come on. Okay. Well, happy Valentine's Day. I'm sorry. Oh my God. Don't be silly. Come on. Okay. Well, happy Valentine's Day. I'm sorry. I didn't.

She hasn't said that to me. I was going to say that'd be quicker than Fletch. He rushes into it. Here we go. But he just throws it around to get what he wants. He puts absolutely

no value on the word. How long does it take Fletch a week? Let's roast Megan. He's like, oh. Can we roast Megan? You don't want to, but I love you. Go on, let me.

I love you. Is that what you say? Is it if I said it too soon? I don't know. You're about to get roasted because we're going to talk about the love button. The love button. The love button. The love button. One's got to try anything.

There's a love button. Is it up my butthole? Because that's what they always say. What? Are we not talking about... Technically, that is a love button. Have a coffee. You need a coffee.

I need a coffee. You need to calm down. I need a coffee. All right, you lot, listen up. It's story time. Story time and three news headlines. I was going to say this. I'm just letting you all know,

I've just accidentally clicked restart on my computer to install updates. Vaughan, you've got the top six coming up. You've got to write that. I might have to, if it doesn't restart fairly quickly, I might have to go out to old school. It's a quick restart, this one. Is it? Because I did it the other day. Shall I do mine? Let's play Roll the Dice

updates. Oh, you don't want to get one of those big ones though. I'll be ready in 12 days. Damn it! Alright, three news headlines for Storytime and Vornamag and Pick. One headline that stands out that maybe tickles your fancy. Okay.

Headline one, burrito, preferred weapon of choice. Yum. Headline two, gym teacher fired after Fortnite. And headline three, masked man wins lottery. Masked man wins lottery. I think that's the Jamaican guy that won the first division, right? And he turned up to claim his, because you have to publicly claim it, he wore the scream mask so that his family wouldn't know it was him

because he doesn't want to share any money with them. I thought it was to avoid strangers, but it was like, he's like, no. Because? I can't trust my family. In America, they publicise you, right? You have no choice. Some states. Some states do. Some states, yeah. Why would they do that? Well, it's public. It's all public knowledge.

They'll be able to find out through Official Information Request Act. Their version of it or whatever. Having won hundreds of millions of dollars, I would get a Weta workshop to make me a full, so it looked like I was some old man or something. A Simon Pegg. Yeah, exactly.

Mission Impossible mask. Yeah. Yeah. Because here in New Zealand you have the total choice, don't you? Yeah. I don't know why

these people go public. I don't know why you'd ever go public. You'd just get hit up by everyone. I don't even know if I'd tell Andrew. Not for a while.

Well, you certainly wouldn't tell him how much. Yeah. I'd take off a few mil and be like, oh, I won eight million. What does that say about you? That I want two million to myself.

Pull up in your Maserati full of shopping. You're like, great news, we've won Lotto. How much did we win? It's not as much as you'd think, actually. It's gone. It's all gone. Okay, well, you've done that one. So do you want gym teacher fired after a fortnight?

After fortnight. Is that fortnight the game? Because I haven't played for so long. Him, you've done that one. So do you want gym teacher fired after a fortnight? After fortnight. Is that fortnight the game? Because I haven't played for so long. You haven't, you. Well, no. I went to update it on my PlayStation and it downloaded because we're on slow AF country broadband now. Yeah.

And it took 13 hours. And then it was just like corrupt file or something. I was like, this is a sign. I hadn't played for ages before that either. So no, I haven't played Fortnite for a very long time. All right. Well, we go now to America and a Brooklyn teacher has a case of Fortnite fever. Just what they've said in the news through it.

Stupid. There's really no need to say that. Did you regret it? As soon as I read it, I was like, I regret saying that. It wasn't necessary at all. So this guy, he's a teacher. He's a PE teacher. Yeah.

Now, he, during his class, as an incentive to some of the students in his class, he said, look, well, if you do well and you do all this work, I'll play Fortnite with you tonight. Okay. Like, I mean, I'm guessing after school. What, after hours? Yeah, after hours. So I'll be online, join a match.

Yeah. See how it works? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right, isn't it? Yeah, and then so as a reward, the students did well. He said, okay, well, I'll be on tonight. I'll play a little bit of Fortnite with you. Yeah.

One of the kids told their parents about it and they flipped out and complained and he has now been suspended or has complaints against him because people are finding this inappropriate. Yeah, inappropriate. Why? Well, I wouldn't

think that would be inappropriate. Like, don't judge him on the fact that he's doing that. He's not physically in your kid's room after hours. No. Yeah. If on the fact that he's doing that. He's not physically in your kid's room after hours. No. Yeah. If, like, you listen and he's like, you stupid shit, you messed this up,

the squad's going down, F you, F that, then I'd be a bit like, well, that's inappropriate. So there's been a special commission investigation into it. It's been quite a big deal. And apparently school employees shouldn't interact with students online except for school related reasons. And he's like, look, I've been a teacher for years and this is the first

bad mark I've had against my record. But yeah, apparently it's, yeah. Well, if they say blanket online it sounds like it's for nefarious reasons. But like, you're playing Fortnite, it's all good, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah, anyway,'s all good, isn't it? Yeah. But yeah,

anyway, he's lost his job. Yeah. But that wasn't, the kids were doing well, right? Yeah, he was encouraged too.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's sad. He also apparently told the kids to get parental consent before playing.

So he said, all right, well, we'll do this tonight. That's cool with your parents. If your parents say yes. And so what one of them asked, and that was what that parent was like,

well, this is appalling. Yeah, and he did it for like 20 minutes. Crazy, eh? Yeah, that's terrible. Yeah. So now he's, I'm guessing, looking for another job. That's sad. Especially given, isn't it quite hard

to get male teachers These days I don't know PE teachers Would be An area that's still Predominantly male I think Right

Huh Well that's terrible Terrible isn't it Alright well the top six Is coming up Yeah the top six Replacements for Mike McRoberts On Dancing with the Stars

He's done a knee Done a knee He's done a knee They used that photo In the news story too Megan Of him with his top off. That topless photo. Did they?

Yeah, you would have liked that. I mean, yeah, that's all right. FEM. ZM. This is great for you, Vaughn. This is what you need on Valentine's Day. There is a new thing called Love Sync. It is a button, technically.

So you can, well, you have a button on each side of the bed. Okay. Is it just like a game show buzzer? It kind of looks like it. So it's silver on the outside. It's like a black button on the inside, but between the silver and the black, it has like a green ring. Oh, okay.

That lights up. Sounds like one of those Amazon. Yeah, it looks like an Echo. Alexa, yeah. So you won't have to deal with the rejection of trying to initiate sex between you and your partner. Because what you do is, well, you have these buttons on each side of the bed. You can tap it if you're feeling like it.

Yeah. If you're feeling like it. Okay. And then if nothing happens, if it's just you tapping it. But then if they tap it, so it's like they don't know you're tapping it. So it's like Tinder in the bedroom, right? Like I'm keen, but if she's not keen, nothing happens. Yeah.

But if she's also keen and presses a button, what, it lights up? Then you've got a match kind of, and they both, the green ring glows. See, I don't need this, because I just ask every night. Maybe you should tone down the asking and

I don't know. Have you tried some like nice kisses or something? What about like or a matte back massage? Yeah, I've tried that. Okay. You've tried the massage?

Yeah. I've tried Yeah, I've tried it all guys. It's not it's not my first rodeo. So you just straight up ask now and it's just like no. Well, you just cut it all out.

Is this where we're at as humans? We don't ask our partner or initiate. We just press a button. It does squash a bit of romance. Yeah. How do you ask? No, but that's kind of like cute. In a fancy way.

Yeah. Oh, you mean the asking. Yeah. Like, hey, excuse me. Could you put down your phone for a minute? I would like to make love. Something like that. You'd just leave a brick on your button, eh? I would like to make love. Something like that. You'd just leave a brick

on your button, eh? I'd just lock it on. There would have to be like a permanent lock on option for the button. It's like how long between presses does it like turn off? Because you have to just constantly press. Like a reset. Do I press it today? Have I pressed it in the last

hour? You should be able to just hold it down for five seconds and it will just literally stay on. There's still like the awkwardness though. Like if they both light up, then what are you supposed to say? Like, I see you've pushed your button. Probably cry a little bit. With excitement, joy.

This is good stuff. This is gonna happen. But then what if you press it in the morning and then at night they press it, but you're not in the mood anymore? I know. Well, that's the thing. It must have like a turn off.

It must only stay pushed for a certain amount of time. Like an hour or so. Yeah. Right. So within that hour window, you're like, yes. I think this would be better on your phone as an app. Yeah, right. And you pick the person that you're in a relationship with.

And then. This is your business. Surely this exists. It must exist. Every app idea your business. Surely this exists. It must exist. Every app idea I've ever had already exists. And you just like lock it in and then if they open the app, you know, this is just brainstorming. Or it could be an app that all your booty calls like sign up to. Yeah.

And then or just like an extension of Tinder and then you just put a, you press your love button. Yeah. And then if anyone else presses the love button, they're like, oh, yeah. Da-da-ding. Oh, yeah. But what if it's one you didn't really want? I think I've just described Tinder, really.

Yeah, true. And also the fact it's not really the one you wanted. You just kind of like thought you were keen for everybody. But yeah, one person of mine, and then I'm pushing the button, and then you're like, fourth choice, what's the button? And you're like, not so much. And once you've got a match, you've got to follow through, right? And then there's a lot of admin.

Is this person's coming over for the booty call going to be worth the admin or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? That's a gross insight into your mind a bit. There's certainly an efficient – Is it worth asking tonight or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? Oh, my God. 100%. What's the admin going to be involved? Five-minute background or should I just play with myself and go to sleep? Oh, my God. 100%. What's the admin going to be involved?

Five-minute background or should I just wake myself and go to sleep? Really having to put the hard yards in. From the ZM Think Tank, this is the Top Six. Hello there and welcome to today's Top Six. Today's Top Six, the Top Six news people to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing with the Stars. He's done a knee training for the Iron Man. Yeah, he's been, he's an absolute unit.

Oh, he's a fitness unit. And he's done it. I think he's done Iron Man before, but in his latest training, he had a knee go south just before Christmas, actually. Right. He said previously he's given a couple of weeks rest and it's come right, but it's not. So he's had to pull out of the Ironman and he said it's likely that.

Dancing with the Stars. Which upsets you, Megan, because you've got a bit of a crush on Michael Roberts, don't you? Yeah, I was hoping. He would have done the chest, the deep V. The very deep V. Very deep V.

The deepest V. Probably go right down to his pubes. Oh, V. The deepest V. Probably go right down to his pubes. Oh, okay. Get him in a belly button. You're like, oh, I could not imagine wearing anything like that. That would be horrific. Who knew you could out-creep me? So the top six news people to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing with the Stars.

Jim Hickey. Oh, yeah. Get himts on Dancing with the Stars. Jim Hickey. Oh, yeah. Get him back. Yeah, number six, Jim Hickey. He could do a signature move. It's called the Gone Burger and the Come Burger. Remember that little classic from Hickey? Remember how he used to run out at the end of the news and do something funny and cheeky?

He could do that at the end of the show again. He could fly up in his plane from New Plymouth. Yep. Boomers would love it. Oh, the Baby Boomers would love that. Yeah, absolutely. Love to see the return of the Hickey. It is a cross-network situation.

Let's not forget. Number five on the list of the top six people to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing with the Stars, Carol Hirschfeld. Oh, yeah. I know she's not currently active television news-wise. Yeah. On screen, that is. But there's something there, isn't there?

There's something below the surface. Yeah, but Susie Cato wasn't currently active. No, no, but this is to replace Mike McRoberts. Oh, right. They need the news. It's got to be a news person. They were. But there's something we don't know about Carol Hirschfeld, isn't there?

What, like what? What, like what? She's a spy. She's an onion. She's an onion. She's layers. Many layers. I reckon she'd kill it. There's no doubt in my mind she'd kill it,

but where did she learn to dance like this? I don't know. We investigate. I don't know. We just always felt there's a party girl in this. Right. Okay. Party girl.

Number four on the list of the top six news people to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing with the Stars is Jesse Mulligan. He's my friend, so I'm allowed to laugh at him. But it'll be one of those situations where you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, but then you see other people laugh when you're like, oh, I'm allowed to laugh, but you guys aren't allowed to laugh. It's like, you know when someone teases your brother? Yeah.

And you're kind of like, well, he's my brother. I'm allowed to say these things, but you're not allowed to say it. Yeah. I feel like he'd take it real seriously behind the scenes. I know, and it would only get worse the more seriously he took it. Oh, I didn't say that. Oh, it would be. You're saying that.

It would be. Number three on the list. This is another retired weather presenter that I think would make a fitting replacement for Michael Roberts on Dancing with the Stars. Toni Marsh. Remember Toni Marsh? Remember Toni Marsh? Remember Toni Marsh? She used to be the three-weather girl.

She used to be three-weather many years ago. First time I ever met her, she went to the toilet, didn't wash her hands. You love telling people that. Sorry. I knew that was coming. When you said Toni Marsh is all I could think about. All I could think was when she was dancing with her dance partner, I'd be like, has she washed her hands?

It's bad, but that's the impact of not washing your hands. What if it's a one-time accidental faux pas? And I don't know if it was number ones or number twos. Right. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Yeah, okay. I just know that there's definitely not a tap turned on.

Okay. At all. Right. Twist. What if she washes them in the toilet as it's flushing? That would be worse. Number two on the list of the top six news people to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing with the Stars.

Number two, Darren McDonald. Now, you kids might not recall Darren McDonald, but for years he was reading the news high on pingas. So... And you know what? He did a great job. He did a phenomenal job. That would be an intense tango.

Yeah, I know. It would be really terrible, but at least he'd think he was doing great. Attaching a sequence and stuff. They're like, you've got this. You've got this. This feels good, man. This feels good.

Man, I'm thirsty. Am I allowed to take a bottle of water out on the dance floor? Darren, it's the news. I'm on a dance floor. Are you reading the news? Sorry, didn't know what happened. And the number one for top six news, to be able to replace Mike McRoberts on Dancing With The Stars,

his old co-host, Hilary Barry. Hilbaz. Oh, Hilbaz would be great. Except I can't see Hilbaz being welcomed back into the TV3 offices anytime soon. It was such a grand departure. It was. But how good would the clapbacks be on Twitter when people criticise it? She is the queen. She doesn't take any

shit on Twitter. It's great. No, she does not. That is today's top six. F.E.M. There is a new time waster for you at work. So if you are not allowed on Instagram, so you can go on your phone and you look at it online, but it's not the same looking at the web page. Instagram is now testing DMs on desktop.

So that there will be, I guess it's kind of like Messenger. There's going to be a separate little window that you can just DM from on your desktop computer. Because if you're slacking off at work and you're on your phone, it looks like you're slacking off on your phone. Yeah, and everyone can see you're scrolling. Yeah, if you're on your computer. You're an alt tab away from sliding into someone's DMs. Yeah.

So you can, yeah, chat to everyone at work, and it looks like you're doing work. I just always thought that was so weird how you could go onto Instagram as a website on your desktop or laptop but you couldn't access your messages. I always thought that was weird. Yeah.

Well, it's being tested now. Instagram DMs have got a lot to... I flagged a message. I'm like, I'm going to deal with that. And then I was like, I need to deal with that. And I couldn't find it because it's older than 30 days old

and it will only flag messages that are from the last 30 days. Well, maybe you should have dealt with it immediately. Excuse me, my procrastination is not the problem here. What, dude, why would you do tomorrow what you can do today or something like that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that does feel good,

but this was not a thing that needed to be taken care of at the time. Well, they've said, haven't they, that they're integrating Messenger, WhatsApp and Instagram. So maybe this is a step closer to being able to message across all those platforms. When is this happening? It doesn't have a date yet, but it is being tested. So they said it mustn't be that far away. FVM, the podcast.

There is a movie out, I believe, released overseas. It's not getting a general release here in New Zealand, but someone messaged him before saying Air New Zealand are playing it on board. Nice. Their flight, so you could watch that if you've got a flight coming up. I would say it'll be one of those ones that really gets you. Oh, yeah, because I always cry watching movies in the sky. Yeah.

It's like drinking in the sky. Your emotions are also three to four times stronger. That's where I watched Marley and Me, and that got me. Oh, did you? Yes. Inside Out destroyed me on a plane. Inside Out destroyed me on a plane. Cars 3 destroyed me on a plane. And this looks like quite an emotional movie based on a real actual event.

Yeah, that happened very recently. The movie is called Boy Erased and it basically covers gay conversion therapy. I want you to have a great life. I love you. But we cannot see a way that you can live Under this roof If you're going to fundamentally Go against the grain

Of our beliefs Jared Tell me the truth That's all I think about men So that's Russell Crowe At the end He plays the father

Nicole Kidman plays the mother And Lucas Hedges Is the name of the guy That's the guy That's in heaps He's been in heaps of movies That have been nominated For Academy Awards already

And he's really young. And did he get nominated for an Academy Award in this movie? I believe so. Right. Troy Savan's in it. Yeah, and we spoke to Troy Savan a couple of months ago

and he spoke about how intense it was to even film this movie. You know, I just thought I was going to be absolutely fine because obviously it's completely pretend and it's not a real thing. But it was really heavy because for a month I'm going to... I only shot in one location completely pretend and yeah and it's not a real thing but it was it was really heavy because like

for a month I'm going to I only shot in one location um and it's the location of the of the camp and so for the same like for a month every day I was going to the same place and hearing this like you know speeches from the um from Joel Edgerton who's playing like the pastor who kind of runs the camp and all I could think about about was like imagining that I was actually hearing that, you know, as a 13 or 14 or 15 year old. And like they completely take all of the sort of like responsibility and put it on you for something that you're absolutely not responsible for, you know. So the movie is Boy Erased and we're joined on the phone by Craig, who's behind the movie screenings and the fundraising. And the subject's close to your heart because you were actually put through

gay conversion therapy in your youth, Craig. Yeah, when I was a young guy, probably around 17, I realised that I was having attractions to the same sex. And growing up in a church, they say that that's bad. And I knew that, so I went to my pastor and I said, hey, I'm thinking about guys the way I'm meant to be thinking, or that people say that they're thinking about girls. And rather than kind of just getting a, oh, you know, actually, that's okay,

you just get given that's bad, let's send you off to a counsellor or let's pray for you or let's try and change you. Because a lot of people I'm imagining don't know that this is happening. I didn't. Or happens in New Zealand. No. So it does. It just starts with a prayer at the front of the church

and, you know, that's pretty harmless and, well, seemingly pretty harmless for a person because that happens all the time. But then when things don't change, you know, you talk to your pastor and they say, well, we'll send you off to a counsellor who specialises in this stuff. And the counsellor will talk about things like you've got this brain activity and you've just got to retrain your brain.

In fact, one of them said to me, you've just got to have sex with a girl and then you'll be fine. Oh, my God. Just like that? Yeah, just like that. But apparently it's all going to be fixed right so but

was this church pretty conservative obviously but so there would have been no sex before marriage except for if you are thinking about guys

you should have sex with a girl to get rid of those feelings that's right yeah okay that makes no sense the weird thing was this wasn't a conservative church really

it was quite you know it was probably bang in the middle of the road. And that's the thing that freaks me out the most about this is that a lot of these churches will wave a liberal flag, but in fact, they're still quite on this issue. They're still quite conservative. Because that's the amazing thing about this movie

that's screening tonight is that this is based on a book and a true story. But this happened in America. It wasn't even that long ago, like four or five years ago, wasn't it? Yeah, but it happens here still today. You still get young kids, and this is what I'm worried about. These young kids are at churches on Sunday, and they're saying, I've got feelings for boys, and they're being told by their pastors,

well, that's bad, that's wrong. And, you know, then that leads to a downward spiral of depression and all that sort of stuff. But even worse, you know, and I think it does contribute to our suicide rate, which is obviously the big problem here in New Zealand. I'm honestly mind blown because when I heard about Boy Erased, I knew it was only like four years ago, but I thought even in that time and in New Zealand, we would, it wouldn't be happening here. I thought we were more progressive. Yeah.

Yeah, you would think so. Well, the movie, it wasn't actually meant to screen in New Zealand, was it? But this is a fundraiser and we're behind it, ZM and NZME are behind it and it's raising money for Rainbow Youth, which does an amazing job, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah, look, the three organisations

said, we want to make sure this movie comes to New Zealand. And as I said, it wasn't meant to be coming here, and now it is. And we're so lucky to have three showing in Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch. Right. So the Auckland showing is tonight.

Are there still tickets available for that? There is. There's still about 30 tickets left. Okay. And some screenings as well happening around the country. You can go to eventfinder.co.nz for those times and details. Craig, thank you so much for talking to us. No problem. Thank you. Yes, he is. Well, it's

Valentine's Day. We've been recapping, catching up on some of our favourite ever Swipe Mears. Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. Swipe Mears. It's time for another edition of Swipe Mears. We relive someone's bad dating experience using dating apps. We have Hannah joining us on the phone this morning.

Good morning, Hannah. Good morning. Now, producer Caitlin said just moments ago, she doesn't even know if this story's true. That's how good it is. Apparently, it's a good story. She was like, this can't be true. But it is.

Definitely true. Okay, so what happened? Start from the start. Okay, so I met this guy on Tinder. Yes. And first off, he was telling me that at this concert he was going to, like, how excited he was. And then, like, the next day, he's like,

hey, I've got a spare ticket. Do you want to come? Okay. And I was like, sweet as. Sounds good. And he's like, oh, but it's a couple of hours' drive away. Like, three hours from where we live. So you might, you have to come to my house and we'll go together.

Hannah, can I ask, like, were you into the band that was playing? Were you into this music or was this just primarily to go along, spend some time? A little bit of both. I wouldn't have bought the tickets myself. Right. Okay. But on a very first date, a three-hour drive with someone, that's, you know. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. Intense. Okay, so what happened next? So the next morning he said we're going to go on a bus so i was like okay sweet ass we'll drive to the bus stop but his mum pulls up the driveway okay and i was like oh okay then he's like oh don't tell them we met on tinder she thinks you're my girlfriend and i was like okay no no no no there's so many red flags like ding ding ding, already.

Okay. They should have gone off, but for some reason they didn't. Okay, go on. So I was like, oh, yeah, I can deal with it. I can pretend to be your girlfriend when your mum comes in and says hi. But no, mum comes in and we get in her car. She's driving us to the concert. Like a three-hour drive.

With this guy that you don't know and his mum. Who you don't know. This is not a bus. You'll never hear me say this again, Hannah. I would have preferred public transport. Yes.

Okay. Yeah, so mum and stepdad is in the car as well. Oh, and the stepdad. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's a real family trip. Okay, carry on.

So I was like, oh, how do I do this? I don't want to make small talk. Pretending I'm your girlfriend when all I know is, like, your name. So I put my headphones in. I'm like, I get really car sick. You know, I'm going to put my headphones in, and I'll talk to you when we get to the other end. Good call.

That's a good point. That's a hot point. Yeah. I listen to some Enya sort of relaxing. Yeah. Balancing sounds. Okay. Okay. So we get maybe an hour and a half in, and we of relaxing, balancing sounds. Okay. Okay.

So we get maybe an hour and a half in and we pull up a driveway. This is not where we're going. I have never been to this city that we're going to, but we're not there. Okay. And we go in and we go, oh, yeah, we're just popping in to see Nana on the way. I knew you were going to say this. Oh, my God. So Nana can see the girlfriend.

She wants to meet the girlfriend. You know, introduce. So small talk with Nana. We had a cup of tea and some biscuits. And mum comes in and she goes, oh, well, I'm just going to take him to go visit his dad because he's not far from here. Like, do you want to stay here with Nana

or do you want to come meet dad? Dad's in prison. Is dad in prison? Oh, no. Yeah, OK. Is Dad in prison? Oh, no. Okay. I was expecting prison. Okay. No, so I was like, oh, well, Nana's a little bit deaf,

can't have a great conversation. I'll come meet Dad. Oh, my God. So we get in the car, and we're driving and driving, and we're, like, going through these fields, and I'm like, where are we going? And we pull up at the cemetery. Oh! He's not in prison,

he's dead. Wow. Yep, he's dead. Wow. Yeah, right, okay. And what's next? Are you standing over dad? Yep, so we're there

cleaning his grave and putting flowers on there. With a guy you've just met. He has a girlfriend coming in and you know, helping him. He doesn't see his dad often. No, because he's dead. Well, she's introducing you to the gravesite as the girlfriend.

Yep. I don't know if you know this, but you're not seeing your dad now either. He's dead. Oh, no. That's how being dead works. It's a quintessential part of it. Please tell me that's it.

No, so we carry on. We're on our way up to where this concert is. And we're actually staying with auntie. So you're staying the night? It's a family reunion. We've been catching up on some of our favourite Swipe Mares and finding out where they are now. We just heard Hannah's tale of a UB40 concert

and quite a family affair. Visit to the grave. In the lead up to Valentine's Day, we're revisiting some of our favourite Swipe Marians. These are people who have had Swipe Mares and Rung told us them and they've become classics that have stuck with people. Joining us today is Hannah. Hi, Hannah. Hello.

Now, your Swipe Mare famously ended at a UB40 concert, which is great. But to fill in everybody on the way, quick recap. You had to pretend to be somebody's girlfriend. You visited the dad's grave. Yep. You had to schmooze with Nana. You got put in a people mover and you went to a UB40 concert

as a family on your first date. Yep, yep, that sums it up pretty well. Two good times. Did you ever hear from the guy, I'm asking everyone, nobody ever hears from the guy after they've been on Swipe Mears. Did you ever hear from the guy? I'm asking everyone. Nobody ever hears from the guy after they've been on Swipe Mears. Did you ever hear from him? I actually

have. I ran into him somewhere in town and he messaged me and asked me to set him up with the friend I was with. Oh, okay, right. So he didn't hear the story on Swipe Mears though? I don't think so. Oh, okay, right. Oh, what? But so he didn't hear the story on Swipe Mears, though?

I don't think so. Oh, good, okay. Why are you going to chuck your friend under the bus? Literal, the bus that they own as a family where they go to UB40 concerts. That's madness. Yep. So obviously you didn't,

because you haven't said that you didn't. No, no, she wasn't keen. Oh, okay, good. She'd probably heard Swipe Mez. So how have things been going since? I actually met someone amazing on Tinder. Oh, yay. Yeah, and we've been together for a year and a half.

Oh, great news. So that story didn't put you off Tinder. That's good. No, it probably should have. Some swipe me's and people have been saying that, yeah, they've actually put them, they haven't been on Tinder since. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you have a down period afterwards where you're like, I'm just going to take a break? Yes, definitely. For like a year where I wasn't on it at all, yeah. Oh, wow. Wow, that's how bad it was. It put you off for that long. Yes.

Well, I'm so happy that it worked out for you in the end. What are you guys doing? Do you have plans for this Valentine's Day, the two of you? I hope he's got plans. I'm not sure. Because, you know, UB40 have just been in town. Oh, yeah, you missed UB40 this time around. Maybe just a dinner or something.

Yeah. Yeah. A lovely meal. Yeah. Yeah. A lovely meal. Yeah. Something normal. Something normal. Something normal. Just you two as well.

No extended family members, no grandma, no visiting graves. Yeah. Yeah. Hannah, have a fantastic Valentine's Day. Thank you for sharing your swipe mirror. It's definitely one of our favourites of all time. Oh, I'm glad someone enjoyed it. The man who invented the 5-2 diet, Michael Mosley,

he's got a new diet. It's called the Fast 800. How did the 5-2 work? So the 5-2 worked five days of the week you'd eat normally or try to eat well, and then two days of the week you would survive on 600 calories a day. 600. Which isn't much. 600's nothing. Is that one Big Mac?

Because what is the average? Tops. It's about, yeah. But you'd have to cut that into three if you wanted three meals. Imagine breakfast is a third of a Big Mac. Yeah. It's a bit sad. It's a bit grim, yeah. So this all started, he apparently was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Okay.

Pre-diabetes and then type 2 diabetes. And he's a doctor and a professor and he's very switched on. So he decided to sort this out for himself, sort his life out. He said he wasn't very healthy. Right. So this is when he invented the 5-2 diet. That was originally in 2013, I believe. And then the fast diet, which was pretty much the 5-2 revised in 2015.

Okay. And then he wrote another book called The 8-Week Blood Sugar Diet. And that was another one of his ones. And again, these aren't easy. No, because I've tried the five, too. I think I tried it, I got to like one. You did the five, one. And I was like, I am so hungry.

The two days, do they have to be like one after each other? Or can you have like Tuesday and then Friday? I don't know if they have to be consecutive days. Not Friday, Tuesday and then what's not Thursday. There's no good day. There's no good day to limit yourself to 600 calories. So it's for men, 2,500 calories a day for men to maintain their weight and for women, 2,000 a day to maintain their weight.

And that's so not fair. That's the average adult human. Yeah, the average adult male and female. That doesn't include exercise, eh? Yeah, so if you're going to the gym every day, you're just going to be so hungry. There's no way I could do that. Oh, I don't think you'd be doing too much on the two days.

No, it's just a walk or something, isn't it? You're not supposed to gym. It's not crazy. I don't think so. So what's this new one? Well, this new one is kind of a combination of all of his diets. The first stage is called the rapid weight loss, where you eat 800 calories every day, which is not much, for two weeks or longer if you can. But obviously, they would get to a point where you'd snap, even the strongest of world would snap and binge on whatever you had closest at hand, even if it was just a block of butter.

By a diet or like other people, it doesn't sound very good. So you do that one for two weeks or longer and that activates the process of ketosis, which I'm guessing that looks a lot like, if you take cis off the end, it looks like keto. Yeah, it is. The keto diet. Which burns fat fast, right? Yeah, ketosis. So that's the first two weeks.

In the second stage, you do the new 5-2, where you eat 800 calories on two days of the week. So that's gone up a couple of hundred calories a day. Right. Because that was 600 calories. This is the new 5-2. You eat 800 calories for two days of the week.

And the other days of the week, you eat a Mediterranean-style diet. So that's fish. What else? Olives. Lots of olives. Feta. Some oil. Yep. Pizza. Lots of olives. Feta. Some oil. Yep.

Pizza. Kebabs. They're at that end of the Mediterranean. Sure, yeah, yeah. Hummus. But when are you supposed to socialise? Like, this is fun. I know.

Well, no, this is, Megan, this is people who are on the verge of having type 2 diabetes where you've got to put your social life to a side and think about your longevity, right? That's what he's saying. He's like, this is serious. You'll be dead and or an amputee and or suffering the side effects of type 2 diabetes which are

long and horrific. Of course, but I was thinking like for us if we just wanted to do it. I'm not doing this. It sucks. If you get how many a day? 800 calories. So a Big Mac is 257. That's four Big Macs. So it's four but that's all right. No, it's less than four? 800 calories. So a Big Mac is 257. That's four Big Macs. So it's four, but that's all right.

Oh, no, it's less than four Big Macs. Maybe three Big Macs and a couple of nugs. Bingo. Three Big Macs and a cheeseburger. But then that's all you're allowed for the day. Yeah, that's it. Four Big Macs. By the way, this author, Michael Mosley, is worth $35 million.

Yeah. So there was skepticism about the fact that he released this book. So everyone on their New Year's resolution would be like, I'll buy the book. I'll buy the book, exactly. So that's the second stage. Then the third stage is called the maintenance stage, where you just eat a Mediterranean-style diet with no calorie counting,

but if you can, do 1,800 calorie day a week. Right. Yeah. It's like a triathlon. Yeah, pretty much. F-E-M. Z-M. I would like to issue, just quickly, a correction.

It's not often I'm wrong. Those are the best sorts of corrections. This is a very rare thing. It's earlier when we were talking about the Fast 800 diet and the 5-2 diet and stuff, I incorrectly said that a Big Mac was 257 calories. Because I quickly Googled. You Googled.

So when I Googled, Google broke that down into 100 grams. To 100 grams of Big Mac. But a Big Mac is actually 219 grams. So the correct calorie amount for a Big Mac is actually 219 grams, so the correct calorie amount for a Big Mac is 563. Hence, you could not eat four Big Macs in a day on that diet. You might remember me saying there was

600. I rounded up, so I was closer. That's what made me Google, because I was like, surely it's not 600. So, that's a correction, not an apology. I'm not sorry about it. I'm just correcting. I'm not apologising. I thought I could eat four Big Macs today.

Turns out I can't. Eat four Big Macs. Just go for a big run. Why not? A very big run. You'd have to do all the running. All the running. I'm wondering, it's Valentine's Day,

and it's a time maybe where you look back on previous Valentine's Days. We'd like to know this morning what your first Valentine's up to. Looking back, like, okay, are they now, maybe you're single and you're like, hmm, first Valentine's might be worth a revisit. Or you're like, they're in jail. They killed someone. Oh my god. So there's the two polar ends of things.

What constitutes? You mean not your first like boyfriend or girlfriend. No, no, no, no. It's the first Valentine you remember getting. Yes, giving or getting. So I don't remember it happening at primary school. Nah. I don't remember there being a Valentine's Day. I remember intermediate. And the rule at intermediate

was because they were really worried and this was in the 90s so this was quite progressive. They were worried about kids' feelings getting hurt. Okay. The ugly ones. Oh yeah, okay. Which I was one of so I'm allowed to say it. Okay. The ugly ones. Oh, yeah. Okay. Which I was one of, so I'm allowed to say it. Okay. And you just had to, you were randomly assigned two people to give to Valentine's.

Was it two people? I feel like it was more than one. You were assigned a... Yeah. Yeah. We never did anything like that. You can do anonymity. Well, the teacher was very worried about it.

They saw it coming and they saw, you know, a few kids absolutely dominating it. Right. But outside of it, I remember there was as well. They pushed valentines onto kids that might not necessarily want them. True, yes. They diverted. Right. Yeah, that's actually very true.

It was super awkward. Doesn't want anyone looking at them. And now they get their valentines. It was very hard. In an envelope on the desk. Very hard at my all boys high school To get valentines Obviously At the time That's sad

Why? The boys can give Boys roses Or what do boys Give each other I don't know Flowers? I don't know

Chocolate Punch in the arm Mate That rougher Hot stuff But yeah We were wondering This morning

What your first valentines Is up to What are they doing Out there in the world? Megan, you Facebooked yours. I did. We're not actually friends on Facebook. Oh, really? So you stalked yours?

Yeah. I don't, should I say his name? Josh. He was so cute. Didn't we talk about Josh in Megan's diary? He was in my diary. Megan's diary. Nine-fingered Josh, right?

Nine-fingered Josh. He lost a finger in an accident. I think his, I remember it being his brother cut it off with an axe. But I don't know if it's... When they were cutting wood, I remember this. Right. When he was young. So you were his valentine when he had nine fingers?

I was his valentine. He gave me a bouquet of chupa chups, remember? And a teddy bear. That's right. And he was like hot property at school. I was like, your dog, killing it. Yeah, yeah. Right.

He was the hottie. And what came up in the search? He's married now with kids. Oh, okay. I don't know why I sound disappointed. He still looks great though. Okay. Good on him.

Good on him. It's good for him. Yeah. He obviously saw investments, early investments, longevity. At least you're not embarrassing Because it could be any Josh In New Zealand with nine fingers Yeah

Or two of them And it's not the one in jail Yeah So Definitely that Very specific description Of somebody So we want to take your calls

Yeah On 0800 DARS at M 9696 What's your first Valentine up to? Wait, wait. You two haven't said what yours... I don't know. Mine would have just been like my first girlfriend ages ago.

I didn't have like a... There wasn't like a primary school or intermediate. You don't remember like a... Nah. Well, you're not very romantic though. Mine's... I looked. I couldn't tell you what mine's doing.

What did you get? Existing. Or give? Didn't I give? It was something that I liked. It wasn't even really, this is the kind of person I was. I'm just going to give her something that I'm into and force this upon her. Right. What about

producers? Producer Caitlin? Your first Valentines? Yeah, both of, I gave two. Both of them are married. Happily. But you've got a boyfriend now. I've got a boyfriend! Producer James? I'm pretty sure my first Valentine owns an e45 gym now what was his name I mean good I mean good for her I mean she's looking great for sure I tell you it's you, it's all over the Insta, that's for sure.

Anya, producer Anya, your first Valentine's? He lives with his male partner now. Oh! Yeah, and owns a small business. Was that your fault? I don't think being gay works like that. That was a discovery this morning when I... Oh, well, you just learned this. This is news to you.

Yeah, so congratulations. How do you feel about that? Look, year six me is a little taken aback, but... Were there any red flags in year six? That's what? First year... No, that's last year primary school, right? Yeah.

Right. Yeah, so happy days for him. Yeah, he's days for him. He's living his best life. All right, 0800-DARLS-AT-M-9696, what's your first Valentine's up to? But happy Valentine's Day. Yeah.

It is Valentine's Day. We're asking, where your first Valentine's, did you say Valentine or Valentine's? Valentine. Yeah, where your first Valentine is. Catherine, what about you? My first Valentine, he is now a really, really hot security guard at a prison. He went from dork to super hot.

Do you still follow him on Facebook or Instagram? No, no, my parents ran into his parents because we were also neighbours. My parents ran into his parents. They said, oh, have you heard about him? And he's so hot. And I was like, really? Damn. We don't want to hear about

the hot ones that got away. No, but are you single? No, no. I'm actually not. But it hurts still a little bit because, yeah. What? Because when you were going out

he wasn't hot and now he's all ripped and hot. Well, we never went out. He just had this mad crush on me, but he was just sort of like that little dorky kid that follows you around. Oh yeah, I see what's happened here. You missed out a huge following probably because

he's super hot now. You didn't identify the investment. No, you didn't. No. You didn't diversify your investment portfolio. Catherine, thanks for your call. Jess, where has your Valentine ended up? Well, my first two Valentines ended up together. When I heard Anya's story, I had to jump on and let you know

that there was one up on that one. I pretty much gave up on being a female and a human being when I found out. It's not on you. You shouldn't feel bad. It's not on you. You shouldn't feel bad. This was going to happen regardless. Oh, at that age. Oh, right.

But now you know better. Exactly. But I ended up having a nice sit down with them, and they were like, oh, honey, we were the reason it took us so long to work it out. Seriously, girl. That's a compliment. That's actually a compliment there.

You confused them. It totally was. So, you know, they're not together anymore, but they had quite a few years together, and, you know, they were both really good friends of mine as well. And, yeah, it did screw with my mentality for a while, but, you know, I got over it. Nice.

All right. Come out the other side. Yeah, thanks, you cool gist. Lisa, where's your first Valentine? The first Valentine I can remember was at high school. This boy who I thought was pretty cute gave me a key and told me it was the key to his heart. But I think he handed out a few keys that day to a few different girls.

He just went down and missed a minute and he's like, hey, keys, mate. No, I don't want them cut. I just want them blank. And so where is he now? So 12 years later, we're getting married in October. You've still got the key to his

heart. I do still have the key to his heart. Well, I'm just saying, I like you were about to marry him, but you're still bitter about the fact that he, eight years ago, he gave multiple keys to a woman. Yeah, well, I think at the time I didn't realise he'd given out a few keys

So I just thought I was the only special one And I was like, that's it, that's the guy I'm going to start dating And you know, when I set my mind on something I've got it And you just bit the rest of the punch Nice, Lisa, thanks for your call Some text messages, my first Valentine is With another lady and has a baby boy

And her parents sent me a message Last week to see if me and my partner are okay in the fires. And Nelson. So they say this is another situation where a lesbian dated a young gay man. Oh, okay, right. And then both were like, thanks for that. Thanks for the, yeah, holding the fort there.

Yeah. We can follow our hearts now. My first Valentine cheated on me with my best friend, got her pregnant, and now they aren't together, but he pays child support from overseas. Oh, okay, yeah. My first Valentine has won the New Zealand Lotto twice. Damn it.

Too late to slide into the DMs. Yeah. It's never too late. But you can't stay with someone in the hope they're going to win First Division Lotto or Powerball. Did they say First Division? They just said Lotto twice. Are we talking like?

Fifth Division. Yeah. Fifth Division twice. I just said Lotto twice. Are we talking like? Fifth Division. Yeah. Fifth Division twice. I've got a free ticket. Stay with me. Somebody else messaged, I was the only girl at my rural primary school. So every day was Valentine's Day

when 16 boys all wanted to be your boyfriend. That's out of whack, isn't it? But I kept them all at arm's length thinking I'll make my choice at some stage. Anyway, I missed the boat because most of them are married and I'm still single. Probably peaked a bit early. That's the key. Yeah.

Just go somewhere where there's no other woman. Today's Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. Even if you don't buy into buying something for your partner, you know, put a little effort into doing something special. Well, it doesn't cost anything to be nice. Mr. Toyboy's delivered flowers. What are you doing for your wife? We will be partaking in a lovely romantic yumcha.

Is that a Valentine's Day thing? As per her request. She does love a yumcha. She loves a yumcha more than flowers. She does love a yum cha. She loves a yum cha. More than flowers. She loves a little dim sum. A little... But you haven't done anything in particular for her? What for?

Like to show her that you care. No, not a present. It doesn't have to be a present. Not yet. Yeah, but you're paying for yum cha. I'm paying for yum cha. Yeah. Yeah, but she's therefore paying for yum cha.

But then I'll say things like, do you want this dish? And then if she wants it, we'll get it. Romance. Love. Yeah. I mean, I'll still definitely

get dishes that only I want, but it's also Valentine's Day as a two-way street. How's about this one? One, we're not getting each other presents. And then you got him a present. Oh, yeah, well, shush.

Yeah, but now I'm glad I did because I got flowers. I got a big bunch of flowers. Yeah, you're still in that stage Oh, yeah, well, shush. Yeah, but now I'm glad I did because I got flowers. I got a big bunch of flowers. Yeah, they're still in that stage of their relationship where this game's fun. It'll get to the point where you're, I said no presents. And then becoming presents is an argument starter.

Right. You make me look bad. Who am I making you look bad to? You? But I don't care. But anyway, I digress. So yesterday, the day before Valentine's Day, the romantic day of the year,

where I'm not saying there will be, but perhaps there might be some passionate lovemaking. It's not getting used. Or just lackluster lovemaking. It's not getting used. Just whatever. So anything. I'll take anything.

Yep. Pat on the back would be nice. Yeah. And so I had some jobs to do. Now, one of the jobs around the house involved a chainsaw. Okay. Now, I told you before this is a story of how I thought I might lose my penis. Yep.

So one of the jobs had to do with a chainsaw. Why'd you do it naked? So I didn't nearly cut my penis off with a chainsaw, if that's what you're thinking. I was going to say. I'm very good. I'm very handy with a chainsaw. Why'd you do it naked? So, I didn't nearly cut my penis off with a chainsaw if that's what you're thinking. I was gonna say. I'm very handy with a chainsaw. Do you have like protective chainsaw pants? Is that a thing? No. That is a thing but I don't have any. Oh, you should.

Yeah. Sure. But I mean if I slip, I get some time off work. So, it's a win-win situation. As long as you can speak, mate. Unless that goes through your vocal box, you're in at work Yeah, we don't need your penis Or leg I was talking about going through my leg

Right, okay So I sharpened up the chainsaw blade Took the blade off I've got a little chainsaw sharpener I sharpened up the chainsaw blade Now, it wasn't that also The little spinning disc I didn't stand up and it went near my nether regions

It wasn't that Right This is what happened I was putting the chainsaw chain back on the chainsaw and I was like, I need a spanner. So I lent the chainsaw against the bench and used like my lower half of my body to leverage the weight of the chainsaw

so I could use both hands to tighten the nut back on the chainsaw. So you were kind of pressing against it with your groin. Yeah. Then I felt like wet on my pants. On in front of the penis. Right, okay. No, I wasn't aroused. No, the chainsaw was aroused.

I don't know if that's how that works. That's probably the first action the Stills had forever. So I'm leaning there and I'm like, that feels weird, but I've got my hands full of spanner and chainsaw, so I can't all of a sudden panic and lean back or I'm going to get a chainsaw on the foot. So I'm tightening it and I'm like, that's just going to have to wait. And then I'm like,

ooh, that feels weird. And the end of my penis started to feel very cold. So I'm panicking now and I've got a spanner. I'm halfway through the second nut. So that thing's getting tied in real quick because I'm like, this is feeling a little bit more urgent.

You've got a nut quick. This feels like a metaphor for something else. I swear this is literal. So I get that tied in and I put the chainsaw down and I touched my pants and it's dry and I'm like that's weird and then I'd say

at that stage the feeling dissipated slightly but was still there so I'm like this is all mental. It wasn't humid because it was very

humid yesterday. No it wasn't a sweat wet it was a cold wet and then a bit of a painful sting on the penis.

On the end. Okay right. So then I'm like, well, that's dry, and maybe the pain's gone. Maybe it was all just in my head. I was getting a little bit silly and flustered. So I put the chainsaw down, and I went back to tinkering about, and then I was like, no, it's back. So I pulled my pants down.

Undies are still on at this stage. Because as I said, the shorts felt dry. There was nothing on the shorts. Now on the undies, there's a stain. And I'm said, the shorts felt dry. There was nothing on the shorts. Now on the undies there's a stain. Right. And I'm like, what's that?

And it looks, it's slightly darker. I'm like, am I bleeding internally? And it's, was that what the wet feeling was? I'm bleeding out

the end of it. Because you're a hypochondriac at the best of moments. So down go the undies in the middle of the garage. Hoping the courier

doesn't arrive because I'm like right in the view of the driveway. What's going on? No blood, nothing. But then when the air hits it, it really starts feeling weird. So I toddle into the house with my pants around my knees. Like a kid. Sade's on the phone to her mum.

She looks at me and she's like, what the fuck is happening? And I'm like, I think I'm okay. And I'm going to the bathroom and I just honk the tap on full so that splashes up all over me. And I've got it under the tap and I'm just running it and I'm splashing the water on. I'm getting a bit of hand soap, rubbing that on the whole area. And it's getting worse.

Oh, okay. So I'm like, is the water a bad? So I run to the freezer and I grab a handful of ice cubes and I put that on there. And Charlotte gets off the phone. She's like, you were right. I said, I think I'm about to lose my penis. I'm not sure.

The end of it at least. You can't afford to lose the end. I certainly can't afford to lose any part of it. It would be a big percent there. Do you know what you're saying? Yeah. And she's like, what's happened? I said, I don't know what's on it.

But something's on it and it's burning. So the ice cubes stay on it. She's like, I'll get a cold flannel. And I was like, okay. So I follow her down the hallway and I'm dripping. Now I'm dripping because the ice is melting. She's like, put it back in the sink. I said, the water made it hurt.

She's like, well, what's ice made of? Where are your children? They're at school in Kindy. Oh, great. Thank God. I've seen enough lately when I panicked and ran into the hallway naked.

That's right. Without the ice cubes and everything. She's like, what do you think ice is made of? I was like, good point, it's frozen water

so the ice goes in the sink. She gives me a cool flannel and I put it on and she's like, just relax, you're probably not helping. So I relax. We just try to take my mind off it

by talking about something else. And she's like, where are your pants? I was like, where did they fall off? I don't know. She's like, well, what is the stuff that was on the undies? Because I tell her about the discoloration. And she's like, did it come from in or out? I was like, I think it was an outside influence.

So then it manages to calm down a little bit. Even talking about it now, it is a bit tingly like maybe I've started the trauma and I'm having a little PTSD. Yeah. It's penis tension

stress disorder. Of course. And so it dissipates and then I find the pants and she's like what is it? I was like I don't know and I still to this day

don't know. Oil? Was it oil? No because we went back and I checked the part of the chainsaw that was landing there and there was no like...

Because I thought it might be the stuff you put in chainsaws that's called chain lube. So that when the chain's spinning around on a chainsaw, it stops it from getting too hot. But there was none of that back there. Could you just sniff it? The what? The stain on your pants. Oh, that's a bit gross. But then you might give, you know, like, does it smell like oil?

I kind of like did the wafting thing. I couldn't smell anything. Absolute mystery whether or not the chainsaw had been sitting in something. And then it all came off. And I still don't know what it was, but I will never do it again. Have you checked it today? It's not like rashed up or something. It's functioning as per expected.

Right. It's normal. It was quite panicky at the time. It felt really, I can't even describe the feeling. It wasn't like a burning, it was like a burning coal. It's not like the chainsaw oil or fuel. I don't think so. No, because I went to the chainsaw.

Was it a tangle from the spark plug? Like, you know, when you're like a nine volt battery. But the spark plug's not because it's pull start. So there's no battery on board. So it can't be like battery acid or anything. Absolutely. Battery acid. Because it doesn't have a battery in it.

Yeah. And it didn't burn through the pants. There was no visible sign of anything on the pants, but it definitely didn't come from internal. I've got to know now. Can you send those for DNA for testing or some kind of lab? But there's no marks on your peen. No marks.

No cuts. No permanent. No permanent. Thank you for your inquiries. Imagine marks. No cuts. No permanent. No permanent. Thank you for your inquiries. Imagine if you had to go to A&E on Valentine's Day because you've got a mystery burning. It was really unsettling. It took a little while.

I sat on the couch with the cold flannel on it and watched it. Well, at least it got some attention for once. It did. It only took running around screaming, it's going to fall off. I think I'm going to lose it. It got a look in. for once. It did. It only took running around screaming, it's going to fall off. I think I'm going to lose it. Yeah. And it got a look in.

Now, just a quick follow-up to Vaughan's chainsaw incident and the mystery tingly penis which happened yesterday. Thank you. And who knew so many loggers listened to the show? These are loggers, people that work with chainsaws on the daily. Arborists as well have messaged in. There are a couple of Bushmen.

Yeah. I don't know what the tax code is for Bushmen or if that's just someone who likes to live in the daily. Arborists as well have messaged in. A couple of bushmen. Yep. I don't know what the tax code is for bushmen or if that's just someone who likes to live in the bush. Now, apparently what happened to me is commonly known as logger's penis. Right. This is where a logger using a chainsaw experiences the fuel mix,

which I run at 40 to 1. Okay. Yep. And it gets onto the genitals and tingles. And tingles and stings and really hurts. Somebody said the first time, they don't tell you about it when you go into the logging industry.

They like you to experience it. But apparently this is a thing. It's a thing. It really tingles and after a little while you either get used to it or know how to avoid it. But it's just a splash. And the reason I couldn't see anything on the outside of the pants, the evaporation so quickly, as I said, it felt dry. Yeah, right.

So it's like a Turex Tingly times 40. I wouldn't recommend it. Certainly not an enjoyable factor whatsoever. You were running around screaming because you got some petrol on your penis. Yeah. Oh, Christ. But why does it hurt so much on there? I don't know. You guys whinge about that a lot.

But now I need to know If petrol hurts on the nips I'm not running this experiment myself But the loggers Who are still listening Yep Hopefully Who we've touched this morning

With an on the job experience That you have Yep Regularly Does it hurt on the nipples as well? Well do let us know Lime scooters Lime scooters

The lime scooter craze And he was just going too fast, so I jumped out the way. Another day, another lime scooter story. That's right, what would the day be without a lime scooter story?

Oh, it's clickbait because the baby boomers love to have a whinge, don't they? Yeah, they do. About lime scooters. Oh, I saw some wobbly, I've seen some wobbly people

on lime scooters lately. Wobbly. There was one woman last night, and she was, yesterday when I was leaving work, she was by herself. Yeah. And she looked very uncertain about the entire thing. I know, some people look very uncomfortable on them. And I don't like heels on the scooters,

because I'm just like emergency evac. You're in trouble. You're in trouble. Do you know now, because I get the most mornings to work one way, there's a big safety thing that you've got to click out of. Oh, really? It's annoying because you have to shut down the app and reopen it because it doesn't clear on my phone.

But it's like ride safe. It's all great stuff that we should do because ACC's forked out like $200,000 in payments in the last few months of life. Today, by the way, Wellington, they're voting on whether or not you're getting Lime scooters. The council. Justin Lester over there, he's pro. I think he's pro,

but I think there's some old fuddy-duddies on the council that are like, no. There's some antis. There's some pros. Well, the Lime scooter news, not only that Wellington may be receiving a Lime scooter in flux, is that their footage has emerged of a shirtless man driving a Lime Scooter into Auckland's

viaduct. Off the wharf, straight into the drink. Now that's RIP Lime Scooter. Because a lot of the viaduct, there aren't fences up. Some of it's got fences, the rest of it, just some little bollards. Very low bollards. You can get a good

run in. Well that's what he was doing, he gathered speed and at the last minute just shot through one of's gaps. Very low bollards. You could get a good run in. Well, that's what he was doing. He gathered speed, and at the last minute, you're shot through one of those gaps. He himself ended up in the drinker as well, of course. Okay. But the Lime Scooter fully submerged. I don't think we'll be seeing that particular Lime Scooter

back on the streets anytime soon. Well, saltwater and electricity don't mix, do they? Famously. Famously, no. Famously not very good friends. So according to Lime Scooter's T's and C's, if a scooter is vandalised, lost or broken, then the user who unlocked it is liable for up to $2,299 New Zealand dollars in fees.

Is that how much that costs? Wow. Yeah. But also, you didn't, like, scan out of that. You haven't stopped your ride. No, you haven't stopped your ride. You're hoping the electronics are going to short out or something. That'll be annoying.

You'll be following your little map to find it. Because this is how Lime scooters work for areas that don't have it. You've got an app on your phone and it will show you on a map where the Lime scooters are around you. Yeah, yeah. And then you can walk. You'd be walking around. You'd press the alarm button and you'd hear... I can't be able to get that one, am I?

No. Or yeah, you know how when you're in a ride you have to take a photo of the scooter? Yeah. Let's take a photo of the ocean. Yeah. You have to take a photo of the ocean. Yeah, it's in there. Wow. So he's put it on his Facebook page. He's kind of outed himself. His Instagram, yeah, yeah. On his Instagram, yeah. Yeah.

They're going to know who did that. Yeah. Didn't give his full name, but I mean it's on his Instagram, so. Then they wouldn't give his full name? Mmm. No, they, I mean, you've got video identifying me doing this, but I shan't be telling you my name. Well, I hope it's worth $2,000 who the Facebook likes.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. I'm going to do it at the start today, Caitlin. Change things up. Do it a little bit different. Today's Fact of the Day is brought to you by the New Zealand Herald Daily Quizzes. If you just search, all I did was I googled NZ Herald and quiz, and it was the first result. Brilliant.

It was in purple because I've clicked on it before. So if you go along there, there's a new quiz in the morning and then again in the afternoon there's a new quiz. So two quizzes a day and then one's printed in the paper. Perfect for wasting time at your job. Yeah, making it look like you're doing research on. However, current events affect your industry. So today's fact of the day is actually about the black widow spider.

Okay. Latrodectus is the... Is that the katapu? Is that the one we have? That's a different spider. Oh. It's... Oh, that's a red bat.

I think it looks more like a red bat because it does have red markings on its bit. Oh, yeah. I don't even want to Google that. No, you know what? You're right. It is the katapu is the New Zealand version of the black widow spider. So the New Zealand black widow is the katapu.

Oh, what's this one? I don't like that. Oh, the redback spider. Because we've got a few of those now, eh? The US have those. Australia have those. So that's their version. That's their.

So they're all around the world and they've all got red markings. So that's the kind of thing. They're black with red markings, which is what? Danger. Links them together. Thanks, nature. It's a genus of you. Hey, cheers for that one.

Today's fact of the day, you may be aware that most female spiders after... Coitus. Yeah. Fornication. Yes, they eat the male spider. They bite the head off the male spider. I knew that. Rough.

Yeah, this is... But happy Valentine's Day. Sexual cannibalism is what this is called. And it's actually, the reason it's done, apparently, is to give the offspring a higher chance of survival because the father's only there for the good times. He doesn't want to raise the kids. So when the kids are born, he's like easy food source

because no flies have landed in the web. I'll just eat these. So he will eat his own children. So apparently the most likely cause is that the mother can see that this is going to be a problem so eats the father so he can't eat the offspring. Oh, I thought they laid the eggs in the father so that when they hatch, they ate the dad. That's intense. That's intense.

That's next level. Go on, I'm glad you're not a spider. You'd be an absolutely terrifying one. Well, male black widow spiders select their mates by determining which female has eaten the most recently so they can avoid being eaten themselves. I was going to say, do they ever get away? Well, they do, yes. Most of the early observations of this were in laboratory conditions

where the male had no escape. Right. So the male would just run for a bit and she'd be like, it ain't no point running, boy. I don't know why she'd talk like that. Because I'm going to eat you. And then they'd get eaten. But in the wild, escape is an option.

Yep. And there's multiple partners to choose from. They will choose one that's recently eaten. Now, how do you know that? How do you know that they've recently eaten? Is that your question? No. What was your question?

Why doesn't the guy eat her back? Like, it could be a fight to eat her. Because they're smaller. The males are smaller than the females. Yeah, they kind of just get overpowered. Could you... You know, occasionally you'll see like a really little dude with like quite a powerful looking female partner and you're like, yep. He's getting eaten. He's getting eaten.

Chill, go and get eaten, boy. Could you wait And pick up your Female spider outside Like a buffet After she's eaten Yeah Well that's

They've actually been observed Watching Through spider binoculars Yeah Because they don't have Great eyesight That's the only thing I learnt researching this

They have spider binoculars They have spider binoculars Yeah And they're like Yeah Yep She's just sort of putting So it shouldn't be too much longer

And then they can Scoot in And when she's eaten. So apparently they leave when they go out and eat the flies and mosquitoes and other insects that land in their web. They effectively leave a trail behind them, like a chemical trail. Right.

And he can tell how new that is as to how recently she's eaten. Right. And then he'll be in. Okay. Because she's full. If a woman was going to eat you, you go around and you just follow the trail of like mackers to her room and be like, she's eaten. And then he'll be in. Okay. Because she's full. If a woman was going to eat you, you go around and you just follow the trail of, like,

mackers to her room and be like, she's full. Oh, yeah, she's just polishing off her Sunday. Give her five minutes. Maybe chuck a hot apple pie in there as well, just to be 100% sure. And so they leave behind a chemical trail so the spiders can be like, she's eaten, she's full. She's not going to be in too much of a

hurry to amen, I'll skedaddle out of here after the fun times. Okay. So today's fact of the day about the black widow spider is the males will often wait until the females are nice and full. Which I mean, if you're a guy in a human sense, good luck to you

because she'll just be like, I'm too full. Not now, I'm too full. Not now. I'm just so full. I'm just so full. I'm just kind of uncomfortable. I'm not comfortable with myself. Stop looking at me.

Stop looking at me. Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at my tummy? Don't. It's like, we're just not black widows as it turns out. Today's fact of the day is black, male black widow spiders will often wait until females have eaten to make love to avoid being eaten.

Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. It's Barbie's 60th birthday this year. She's looking great. Cheers. Hasn't aged a day. She's had work done. She's had a bit of work here. 100% plastic. Totally fake.

So to celebrate the 60th birthday of the Barbie brand There's some more being added to the Barbie range There's going to be a Barbie in a wheelchair Right And a Barbie with a prosthetic leg Which is weird because Barbie's other leg's prosthetic anyway, right? She's fully prosthetic What's the difference?

No, but it looks real It's supposed to represent a real leg But what, the other leg? But then what's the prosthetic leg going to look like? Because prosthetic legs look like Barbie's actual legs. No, I think it looks like her. But it's going to look like she has a, they're going to have like the brace on the knee.

Prosthetic legs don't all have braces on the knees. I think the picture shows like a metal pole with a foot, like piece of the body. Oh yeah, okay, okay. I've seen it now. It looks, yes, okay. That's not my take on modern prosthetic legs, though. But then how else would you show it in Barbie?

No, but Jess Quinn doesn't always wear her prosthetic legs. She doesn't wear one like this. She wears a sports one. I don't know. This one, I don't know what it is. This looks like it was taken off a Star Wars droid and just plonked on a little bit. And I'm no expert in prosthetics well yeah

they all look different and they all have different purposes i guess the idea is to see that she you know doesn't have a leg true it's identifiable 100 and barbie in a wheelchair uh this is adding to the already in 2016 apparently they expanded the range quite a bit when we were i haven't seen a Barbie stall, like a big Barbie stand in a toy shop for a while, but when we were in Thailand, we went into a Barbie shop.

Okay. Because August wanted another Barbie because she's got a Barbie house for Christmas. Okay. So we went in and, God, there was a range. I didn't think there were that many. Because they did short ones,

which was exciting for me. They did short, they did tall, they did original, they did petite Because they did short ones, which was exciting for me. They did short, they did tall, they did original, they did petite, they did curvy. Like one of them was even skinnier than ordinary Barbie. And I was like, but she was more proportioned. Right. She was shorter. Right. And like narrow waist or something.

Yeah, she was just more petite the whole way down, which is more realistic than Barbie's well-publicised disingenuous stats. And there's seven different, there was a whole and that kind of struck me when we were in Thailand for the first time. It's like, Thai girls

growing up would never have had this doll represent them at all. And I'm sure that's not what every kid's after. Because I found one that looked the most like August. I was like, do you want this one? Because this is like, it looks like you. She's like, no, I want this one. She just went for stereotypical Barbie.

Right, okay, not the one that looks like her. Yeah, she's just like, I don't want different, I just want standard Barbie and that's now that there's the range. There's different eye colours, there's different hairstyles. One Barbie had a really short haircut. I was like, that's neat because that's how most Barbies end up looking after the scissors get to them anyway. After Barbie goes to the salon. Yeah, they shouldn't make Barbie

with really, really, really long hair so you can just gradually give her a mum cut. She can go through her youth up into a mum cut. Does it say how many different ones there are? Seven skin tones, 20 different eye colours and hairstyles and the body types are original, tall, curvy, petite.

There was definitely more than four when we went. Different types of... Are you sure you went in one of those Barb Bay? No, no. It's Thailand. No, it was legitimate Barbie.

Right. Yeah. So I took it up to the counter. I was like, Thailand's always cheap. And they told me and I was like... Not Barbie.

Not Barbie. Worldwide. Barbie knows the budget. Well, this popped up on Facebook. I got sent this for community notices and the next thing you know it's on the Daily Mail. In the UK. In the budget. Yes, ma'am. Well, this popped up on Facebook. I got sent this for community notices, and the next thing you know, it's on the Daily Mail.

In the UK. In the UK. An ad on a Topol Facebook page from Peter, who joins us on the phone, but was offering Valentine's Day packages. Good morning, Peter. Kia ora, guys. Good morning.

Happy Valentine's Day. Now, so you posted this because you're single. Yeah, mate. I posted it and I thought I might get a few likes and a couple of laughs, but it's gone bonkers. How long does it take you to swipe through everyone on Tinder and Topor? Oh, man. Topor, it's a tourist town, so during summer it's never-ending,

but during winter, oh, maybe give it 20 minutes. Right, OK. 20 minutes of swiping. So you're like, well, I'll try a different approach, some Valentine's Day packages on Facebook. But baby boomers are mostly populating these sorts of community Facebook pages, but, I mean, they've also got a bit of money. Oh, absolutely, absolutely.

And they all got friends and they all tagged their mates. And, you know, I think last time I looked it had like 600 likes and a bazillion shares. It's trending in Eastern Europe and Russia and the UK, Australia.

It's just gone nuts. So packages, these were pay-for packages. The cheapest one was $15. It was called the Friend Zone Basic. It was just hanging out with them, basically. Yep, yep, that's the one. Okay, and then, so what was the most expensive?

How do the packages go up? Well, they go up to $30 there. There's chocolates and holding hands there. That's the We're Dating Primary School Edition. Okay. For $150, there's a sleepover and camping in the back of your Nissan. Yep, yep.

That's the one. It'll be a good time and you know, no extras are included in that price. Oh, it's purely sleeping? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Purely sleeping, you know, prices are negotiable so we can negotiate at the time.

So what's the most expensive package? Well, I'd say me all over, I'm the most expensive package. Okay. The question is, Peter, have you had any offers? Serious offers? I certainly have had offers. I've even had offers from guys. And I've just politely declined because that's not the way that I swing.

But, I mean, it's good. I encourage him to find someone. But just not you. I've had a few offers. But the biggest problem that I'm finding is that Valentine's Day is on a Thursday. And everyone's working. You can't spread it out. Yeah, it's been hotly contested for dinner.

But I've got a dinner date which I've hung out with her a little bit already. And she's an awesome girl. She's a honey? Is she a honey? So this has worked then? She is stunning. Okay, so it's worked? It has worked, I guess, yeah.

But wait, so you've got a dinner date with someone you quite fancy. Have you got other dates like this afternoon on the lead up? This afternoon, I've only got people that have put my name forward, but they're all unavailable during the day today. So I'm thinking, I'm thinking what I'll do is I'll just have to postpone until Saturday. Okay, right. I was going to say, if you quite like this girl though, maybe it should just be a one date today. That is true, you know. Like, I said to her, I'm fiercely loyal, so if I go on this date and it's just like, wow,

then I'll be like, all right, it's off, ladies. Sorry, keep your money to yourself. Yep, yep, yep, keep it. You've found love. Keep your dirty money. So how much is she paying to go on this date tonight? How much is the dinner date package? Oh, well, the original dinner date package,

I guess it was, what, $90? Right. But we've sort of negotiated fiercely, and to the best of my knowledge, she's not even paying me. You have been conned. Yeah, mate, I got scammed To the max But that's alright You know

You're supposed to Treat her mean You came on too keen She knew you could Yeah I know It just sounds like You'll be having a happy meal

In the old plane At McDonald's Great spot Not a bad spot though Great spot No no It's not Greatest McDonald's

In the world. Very passionate. Peter, congratulations on getting your date and going... Oh, I hope it all goes well. And going worldwide. Yeah, congratulations. Absolutely. Hey guys, have an awesome day. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan

and Megan. The podcast. For more check out ZDM online.