ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - January 22 2019

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Vaughan got a stinky package yesterday, Producer Anya is parting with her SUP and your unusual body struggles.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello and welcome to the Fletch Warner Megan podcast brought to you by Spark. Get a new phone from $99 on a Spark prepaid rollover pack. And now on the podcast. Thanks Anya. Good morning. Welcome to the show. Fletch Warner Megan. Who went to this Lime Scooter safety demo? Aunties. Like seriously, how many people turned up? I want to see photos.

People would have been made to turn up. You know, like your workplace would have been like, if you scooter to work, you've got to do this safety thing. I would be like, absolutely not. Didn't you say it was on the weekend? Oh, was it? Yeah. No one's going.

To a safety thing at the weekend. It's all just so they can say, well, we've done some weekend workshops. It's all now for people to bowl over pedestrians. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's us just wiping our hands of any future incidents because we did our best to make it safe. We tried. We tried. We really did.

Yeah. But I only have to read the story about the student in intensive care to think maybe the helmet thing's a good idea. Yeah. They did run a red light though. Yes. Didn't I read they ran a red light into a truck? Yes.

What do you expect? Okay. Okay. Wow. Well, that's why they're red. Yeah. Oh, you're a cyclist. You can't talk about skimming through a red light.

Yeah, I'm not going to run into... Yeah. I don't know. I don't think you run into a truck on purpose. No. Well, this is true. Although it's at what? Like 1.30 in the morning.

Oh. Was it we were talking about the same person? The Dunedin one was like One o'clock in the morning Yeah I don't know You might be talking About a different one The one I read was like Ran a red light

I was like well of course If you're going to run A red light You're asking for trouble Well that's why You've got to go to A weekend safety course To learn about

Local traffic laws Alright you lot Listen up It's story time Story time Three news headlines For three stories That are found online All right, you lot, listen up. It's story time. Story time. Three news headlines for three stories that are found online. Vaughn and Megan, you've got to pick one of the following three headlines.

Okay. Headline one, real life pet cemetery. Ooh. Ooh, when does that remake come out? Soon. Ah, soon. I heard of another horror being remade as well. Yeah. Not Candyman.

What was the one with the guy with the flies all over his face? Flies on his face? Yeah. What was Candyman? Bees? Bees is Candyman. Is that Candyman? Okay, Candyman's getting a remake.

No, we don't need that. Is where you look in the mirror and you say Candyman three times? Candyman. No. I didn't say it three times. I had a mate who was saying it was so ridiculous, blah, blah, blah. We were like, look in the mirror and say it three times. And he's like, piece of cake.

Candyman, Candyman. And man, if I saw him today, I'd still tease him about that. Do you know what else is being remade? Final Destination by the people that made Saw. That make Saw. Yeah. Because that was dark enough. Yeah, it was. Oh. Okay. Alright, so

Real Life Pet Cemetery is story one. Headline two, 900 mils over. And headline three, Instagram couple hit rock bottom. They've fallen off something, haven't they? Yeah. Were they trying to get a selfie, haven't they? Yeah. Were they trying to get a selfie somewhere and they fell?

Yeah. Yeah. Shit, are they dead? Gotta be so caft. Yeah. Are they dead? Yeah. Oh.

Yeah. So you're just like facing the camera and people just step back willy nilly. I guess so, yeah. Gotta be so caft. So we had, what were the first two again? Real Life Pet Cemetery. Yeah. Yeah. 900 mils over or Instagram couple hit rock bottom.

Um, Real Life, I mean, Pet Sematary 2's got 25% on Rotten Tomatoes. So you're saying not Pet Sematary. But that's not the remake. Oh, is it not the remake? No, no, no, no. The remake is called Pet Sematary again. Oh, okay. It's not out yet.

But Pet Sematary 2 was a bunch of shit. Yeah, I mean, let's be honest. Horrors never do sequels well. Horrors like that. They're like, that went well, let's drag this already dragged out premise a little more dragged out. 900 mils over. I knew you'd want that. Just because it's so mysterious.

No, it's some measurement. 900 mils. How big is that 9 centimetres? Also 900 millilitres. So that's like, you know, a litre is a thousand. So it's nearly a litre. Do you want that one then? Do I want that one?

Yeah. Okay, we go to Jaina now. Jaina. Jaina. Jaina. Where a Chinese woman was stopped in Beijing at the airport by airport security for having a litre bottle of cognac in her carry-on baggage. Yeah. Hence being 900 mils over.

Yes, yes. Because you're only allowed 100 mils. Yes. Yeah. So she decided, well, this is delicious cognac. I'm not wasting cognac. I'm not wasting it. I can't go check it in.

Oh, my God. So she decided right then in the line at airport security to chug back her entire bottle of cognac. Holy crap. Because I've heard about people doing this. Did you see a Chinese woman? A Chinese woman, yeah. So I can't imagine she was, she would have been small, right?

Like, short. Well, apparently the woman appeared to be in her 40s at airport security. She was flying at noon for a flight. Lunchtime. She was stopped by security at the security checkpoint. I mean, it's never a good time to chug a whole litre, but lunchtime. It was a bottle of Remy Martin XO Excellence, valued at $200 US. So very expensive.

It was in a carry-on. So she decided, well, no, I'm not chugging it out. I'm going to chug it all right here. She drank the entire bottle of cognac. And then what happened? Well, she was described as acting wildly and yelling incoherently. She fell to the floor and stayed there until police arrived. They took one look at her and wouldn't let her board the flight.

Because I was thinking if you did it and then just immediately like, go, and you just could get to your seat, you'd probably just vom on yourself once you got there. But they'd let you board the flight. And then just immediately they're like, go. And you just could get to your seat. You'd probably just vom on yourself once you got there. But they'd let you on the plane. It doesn't mention any further details whether or not she was arrested. Wow. But police did deal with her. She didn't make her flight.

It doesn't say whether or not she needed to go the next day or later. You know how rappers always talk about drinking Henny. Yeah. Hennessy's a type of cognac. Okay. So this really puts the ball on their court for who's the real big dog when it comes to cognac.

Cognac. Right. Like they're like sipping on Henny and this woman's just like, no, I chugged all of mine at the security line. What is it like closest to? I don't think I've ever had it. It's a brandy.

Is it a brandy? It's a type of brandy, yeah. Huh, okay. Which is a distilled wine, right? You make a spirit out of wine. Yeah, I don't know. It's like 40%. It's like a spirit.

Yeah, right, okay. So don't drink an entire bottle just like that at airport security. Never a good sign. I wouldn't say drinking a whole bottle in any sort of short period of time would be a good idea. Completely independent of your location at the time. That's true. There's a grandma in the UK.

She has, and good on her, she's taken up blogging. Okay. But her blog is called Grandma Williams and she's 83 years old. Where can I find this blog? Is it a YouTube blog? No, that would be a vlog, would it not? Well, she went to a class called Blogging for Beginners and then she decided to create her own.

Okay. Most people that age are probably blogging about, and I don't wish to, you know, generalise, but I'm imagining there'd be a lot of crafting, quilting. She covers a wide range of things, but there is something that she leans towards. One topic. Ah, crochet. No.

Croquet? Croquet or crochet? No. Okay. I'm trying to think of a word that rhymes with it. Fauna K. Oh! Wow, good from you.

Yeah, thank you. That was real good. Thank you. She talks about sex and old age. She says it surprised many people, especially the youngsters in her blogging class. But... Imagine you go for a blogging class.

Although I can't imagine there'd be many, which she'd probably call youngsters, like 40-year-olds, right? Yeah. But she said there's a stereotypical image of old age and she said it's just plain wrong. So she wanted to put it out there. And not only does she go into details about, you know, what's good for sexual activity in old age,

but she gives, like, product reviews. Well, from what I've heard, you need more product. In old age. Yeah, right. Okay. What's about like when your tractor gets old, you need a

lubricator. Lubricate it all up so that the pistons work. Yes. Is that a thing? Less of a Amazon rainforest, more of a Sahara desert situation.

Yeah. So she focuses I mean, that's just from what I've heard. on sex toys for 70 and 80 year olds. Oh, okay. But she said there is one thing that everyone should look into

that makes lovemaking more sensual, especially in older age. Yeah, this is grim here. But she said it is... Butt plug. That's exactly what Megangan was gonna say no boy smith you're lucky i'm gonna stop it i haven't had a coffee yet and my coffee my um filter is caffeinated by okay powered by caffeine this is a cold just like one thing everyone should have been great

and i was like here it comes. Are we speaking from experience? No, I don't know. I haven't branched out. Okay, so this is a quote from her blog, Grandma Williams' blog. She says, it sounds like a cookery class, but absolutely the most important ingredient is oil. Specifically from the nookie range, she says...

She said it's like a cooking glass and the most important thing is oil. Can you get that spray on canola? You know when you spray a pan because you don't want too much oil? Spibble. Spibble. She says there is a pleasantly scented slippery slithery oil for one pound. It's wonderful to use on older skin. Do you know what good on her though? Because like she says, opening up, you know, it's the stereotype, isn't it?

Yeah. That I guess once you get to a certain age, you just stop. And like. But obviously, I mean, you hear stories from rest times, don't you? Oh, yeah. People that work In rest times It can be a randy place Oh yeah

And I mean as you get older You always think Like your mind's still 25 But your body's not You know And that might be the same When you're 80 Your mind's still

Well you'll be fine In the rest time Because you have The youngest husband Yeah I will But also He won't be allowed

To stay in the rest home, though. Why? Because he's 10 years younger. Isn't there an age limit? You've got to be a certain age in the rest home? No, I think if you've just got to pay for two people, you don't get any sort of discount. Oh, okay, right.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'll be fine. If he's not collecting a super... He's not allowed in. No. Well, I struggle to afford it. The Top Six with Vaughan Smith. Yes, hello.

News yesterday that Tauranga is now less affordable on the housing market than London. Madness. It's 8th. So the world's most expensive city is Hong Kong. Okay. This is where you compare house prices

to median incomes of a household. Right. So it goes Hong Kong, Vancouver, Sydney, Melbourne, Santa Cruz, San Jose, LA, and then Tauranga. It beats London now. That's madness, eh? The median household income in Tauranga, $68,000 a year, and its houses have a median price of $623,000. So if you were earning tax-free and you poured everything you earned into paying off your house,

it would take you 10 years, over to just about 10 years. But of course, nobody can do that because A, you pay tax and B, you have to eat food. Yeah, if you poured everything into it tax-free and it still took you 10 years, that's crazy. So it's going to take you 20 once you take tax into account if you poured everything into it. So if you think if you were living off,

if you and your partner were living off one income and the rest of that income totally got poured into housing and then off that single income you've got to feed maybe kids or pets and pay everything else. Rates, insurance. Whose income do you choose to pay off the mortgage? Um, I don't know. Because what if they divorce you?

Would you feel a bit less? Would you feel more aggrieved if it was your... No, no, because... You're still getting half. It's not like they were like, well, actually, that was all under my money. And they don't, yeah, they don't get to keep all their money.

I take in half their money. Yeah, that's not how that works. I've been checking. But, you know, if you're going to compare it, Tauranga, better than London. Oh, better than, yeah, I'd rather live in the Mount than any of those places. So here's the top six things Tauranga has that London

doesn't, thus making it better. Six. A shipwreck just off the coast that you always forget about until someone says something that rhymes with Rena oh yeah and then you're like

oh yeah remember that ship it sunk shit went everywhere is it still out there and then you have a good chat about whether or not

they actually ended up taking it away and they didn't it sunk didn't it it just sunk still there what happened to all the oils

dissipated dissipated got soaked up a little bit didn't it? It just sunk. It's still there. What happened to all the oils? Dissipated. Dissipated. Got it. Soaked up a little bit. Right. I tell you what, it turned out seagulls are very handy at soaking up oil. Yeah.

They're like sponges of the sea. Yeah. Nature's sponges. They're like a chucks. Oh my God. They're like one of those handy towels on the ads. See, you don't feel sorry for them, but if you said like penguins, you'd be like, oh my God. What is it, the black belt gull?

That's like the rarer of the two. The red one's just like scummy chipper. It eats rubbish, eats anything. That's what the black belt needs to lower its standards on food to expect. Just that eating out of the trash. Number five on the list of the top six things Tauranga has that London doesn't. The sun for more than six hours a day in winter. Yeah. Just that eating out of the trash. Number five on the list of the top six things Tauranga has that London doesn't.

The sun for more than six hours a day in winter. Yeah. Yuck. My mate sent me the weather report in London yesterday and he's like, I'm finding it very bleak to get out of bed today given how great New Zealand's weather's been and I don't think it was getting above like three degrees.

Yeah. It's just so weird that it's getting so dark at four. You're like, oh. Yeah. And's just so weird that it's getting so dark at four. You're like, oh. Yeah. And then in some, like even it out. In some of them, the sun comes up at like three o'clock

in the morning. Just remember the middle ground. Yeah. But then that's just. Well, their daylight savings would be crazy. You'd be going back six hours. All right,

clock's back six hours, everyone. Did we go forward six hours or back six hours? We could really bugger up somebody's day. Yeah. Number four on the list of the top six things Tauranga has that London doesn't. A lovely rolling R. Tauranga.

Whereas London's just London. London. London. London. Two noises you can make without moving your mouth. London. But you couldn't say Tauranga. You couldn't.

No. You just couldn't do it. No. You need to move the mouth. Have some agile lips and a rolly tongue. Number three on the list of the top six things Tauranga has that London doesn't. A lovely big mountain that you can climb up to the top of. Yep.

Take a selfie and everyone's like, you go, Miss Thang. Miss Thang. New year, new you. Lovely Lululemon pants. And the other great thing about that big mountain is after you translate it, it basically becomes mountain, big mountain. Mountain, big mountain, yeah.

Longanui, translating to mountain, big. That's great. Number two on the list of the top six things Tauranga has that London doesn't Water that people actually want to get into Not water that they're thrown into with weights tied to their feet Because a London gang wants to kill you Thames River, I'm looking at you Yeah, that's true

And the number one thing Tauranga has that London doesn't Thus making it okay to be slightly higher on the affordability The unaffordability charts. Hot people walking around barely clothed. That's a by the by in Tauranga. London, well not so much.

If someone's barely clothed in London, you're like what are they doing? Meth, probably. Yeah, hallucinogens of some sort. That is today's top six. FEM. Now, Blenheim, you recently had a Yeah, hallucinogens of some sort. That is today's top six. F.E.M. Z.E.M. Now, Blenheim, you recently had a harness racing event. Now, you may have seen the photos that are doing the rounds

from said harness racing event. I saw the ACC share this on their Instagram account, and I thought, oh, that's funny. It's from America. No. Like, next. No. Looking at from America. Lulz. Like. Next. No.

Looking at the houses, were you not immediately like, that's New Zealand housing, like, to a T. Like the little lean-to carport, the trellis fencing, the grizzly linear hedge. I saw it and I was like, where in New Zealand did that happen? And then it said Blenheim. And I was like, oh, God. Because that happen? And then it said Blenheim and I was like, oh God, because I think this has happened before in Blenheim.

It wasn't as perhaps graphic as this time around. It's the same people because it's the roof lends itself to the perfect platform. Right. Waterloo. Just the house beside the Waterloo race course. So two gents are on the roof of the house in their bathing, in their birthday suits. Yeah.

They're naked. And they're pretending to engage in male-on-male fornicate. To use Megan's term from earlier in the show. On the roof of the house. Correct. So obviously the camera shot is tracking the race. Yeah. And, you know, it's a lovely pan.

It's a lovely slow pan. Well, it is because it's harness racing and the horses do the straight leg trotty thing. Yeah. It's not the gallops where they're absolutely flying. So, yes, it's a nice slow pan. It's live on television. So I'm imagining the race has started and they're like, get on the roof, go, get ready or chuck your clothes off.

They're on the roof, completely naked, pretending to engage in male on male. And they apparently held the pose for the entire time that the race. The entire shot. Yeah. Brilliant. So since then they have, the pranksters have been identified and talked to and apparently they were wearing skin-coloured shorts.

Of course. Whereas it just sounds like now they're like, it did look a lot like we were bumming up there, Darren. Well, Steve, I don't want people thinking we were bumming. Well, we better say we were wearing pants. Flawless. Flawless cover, Steve. I don't want people thinking we're bumming. Well, we better say we're wearing pants. Flawless. Flawless cover, Steve. Thanks, Darren.

Can't be proven, can it? The shot was far enough away that it wasn't. You couldn't see nips or anything. Oh, I know there wasn't detail, but you could see what was happening. Did you actually get in trouble, though? Because that's on their property. Naked on their property. Yeah, well no,

technically Trackside were just, you know, I guess. Excuse me, you're filming me on my property. Trackside were invading their privacy you could say.

So apparently last year they know what they're doing though because last year they were on the roof in women's undies. Yeah. Right, so this year they're like,

we'll take this further. What's next? I don't know. I mean, I'm looking forward to seeing what they do next. Well, I this year they're like we'll take this further. What's next? I don't know. I'm looking forward to seeing what they do next. Well, I think it must be a tradition. They should have had a gradual build up. They've kind of like hit it hard this year. Well, excuse the pun they have, but it certainly looked like they were. But as someone

online said, it does look like he's having sex with a really large frozen teagull chicken. Ouch! Just because of the... You're going to put yourself out there, prepare teagle chicken. Ouch. Just because of the... Oh, poor Darren. You're going to put yourself out there. Prepare to be judged by the internet. Mmm.

It's... Poor Darren. It's good, though. I love on Sunday someone's like, races are on today. Just get on the roof and pretend to... Yeah. Do it. All right.

Well, the plastic ban bag is in effect. No, the plastic bag. The plastic effect. No, the plastic bag ban. What is wrong? We've been rewired. Plastic bag ban. There you go. There we go. And the government has,

so there's word about what's going to happen if you're a business and you're handing out plastic bags. They're working through the wording, but from the July the 1st, it's being reported, you could face six-figure fines. So that's $100,000. out plastic bags they're working through the wording but from um the july the first is being reported you could face six figure fines that's a hundred thousand dollars at least yeah right if you're caught handing out bags as a business that seems excessive that's very exciting you'd

have to go to court be charged as a business and then yeah the judge would hand down a fine that's too much mm-hmm 10000 for the first offence. No, $5,000 for the first offence, $10,000 for the second. That feels like a lot. It depends how serious it is. But it's the rules. You're supposed to follow by the rules.

Yeah, but so speeding. But you don't get a $10,000 ticket, do you? Well, yeah, I think it's the worst case. Like if you were a business and you didn't care and you kept doing it. Yeah, right. A spokeswoman said they were working to get the word out in time.

They'd work with retailers and they're working on the wording. Any fine would be set by a judge following conviction in court. What about like when you go to Thai, when you go get Thai and they put all the food in the plastic bag and then they're like, it's heavy, I'll double bag it. And you're like, it's too late because I've already got it in there and it's got some pad Thai juice on it. Well, I don't know if they're allowed to use. Are they allowed to use plastic bags anymore? They'll probably go to paper. bag and you're like, and it's too late because I've already got it in there and it's got some pad thai juice on it. Are they allowed to use plastic bags anymore? They'll probably go to paper. Okay, I'm okay with paper bags.

We'll just give it to you. I actually like paper bags better. Probably have to get a little bit of juice on your passenger seat. Or take down your own tupperware. Yeah. What about my veggie shop? So they have, you can choose paper or plastic, but the plastic ones are those like real soft and they say compostable. They don't count, right?

No, they're okay, right? Well, what about in the supermarket? In the supermarket, because yesterday I used like four bags for my apricots and nectarines and peaches and apples. What are you doing? Don't you? They don't need a plastic bag. Nah, because they roll around.

No, see, to me, those bags should have been banned before the bags with the handles. Do you know what supermarkets need is little, like, you know when you pick your own berries, you use, like, an old tip-top ice cream container? Yeah. You can take your own containers. Supermarkets aren't going to subsidise your container.

No, but then you leave them at the counter. So then you've got somewhere to put your loose fruit in your trolley and stuff. Okay. Why can't your loose your loose fruit in your trolley and stuff. Okay. Why can't your loose fruit just sit in your trolley? The pack and sell bars from your trip away, you're talking about pack and sells for at the supermarket for a trolley. And then you leave them at the checkout.

But if you're doing a big weekly shop and you've got a big trolley, whereabouts are you going to put all your loose? I put them at the bottom. You don't want a mushy apricot going through the trolley. No, you sit in where you sit your kids. Anything that's smushy gets sat where the kids sit. Say you buy like a packet of oats. You just stack the apricots on a packet of something.

Yeah, but the fruit and vegetables always first. And so then everything goes on top of it. That's just creative stacking. Well, no one said saving the environment was going to be easy, Fletch. God, it's so hard, isn't it? Real hard. We've developed some very nasty habits. Oh, it drives me nuts when people put unbagged bananas in one of those bags.

Oh, I don't do that. I don't do that. You're going to peel that anyway. It's like, hey, hun. Hey. God already put that in a bag, sweetheart. It's called the skin, okay? Sure.

And then they're like, oh man. Right. Because I went to a place, I'm not going to say where. Okay. And this was after New Year's. This was after we got back. So with the bag ban in place. Because it started on the 1st of January.

So this would have been like, what, the 10th or 11th of January. Okay. And I got up there with all my stuff and the lady at the checkout said, what are your thoughts on the plastic bag ban? And made it sound like we were just going to have a chat about it. Okay. And I said, oh, you know, it's good. It's good because, you know, plastic bags are not great.

And she's like, you're carrying this amount of stuff a bit hard though. I was like, oh, yeah, I mean, when it's this amount of stuff. It's fine. It's okay. And you've still got to line your bins, because I felt like she was pro, and I couldn't be bothered arguing too much. And she was like, okay.

And then pulled out this secret stash of plastic bags and put all the stuff in the plastic bag for me. Really? So she wasn't just chatting about plastic bags. She was gauging if I was enough. She had black market bags. Yeah, she had some black market bags, but they obviously needed to get rid of them.

That's like the dairy up the road from mine has all the NOS under the counter. Oh. Yeah. Are you whipping some cream? Wait one second. Do you want to make a cake? Whip some cream? Do you want to make a cake?

It's one o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Yeah, I do want to make a cake. You want some balloons? It's a birthday cake. Good question. You're having a party. But that's what they're becoming. Yeah.

Wow. A plastic bag. Yeah. But you got it to me. You've got to get rid of the plastic, all the other senseless plastic too. Like those bags you were talking about. Yeah, but we've got to start somewhere.

We'll get there. We're going to get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. With $100,000, I'm pretty sure we'll get there a little bit quicker. With fines like that, yeah. We have talked about this item a lot on the show,

and it's hard to believe that it is going to be up for grabs, up for sale. That just somebody else could have it. Oh, it doesn't seem right. A piece of New Zealand history. I was going to say it would be like someone who wasn't Mark Todd writing Charisma. I don't know why that equestrian reference is the first thing that popped into my head. From the 80s.

Or the 90s, yeah. It's an odd reference. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. It would be like someone other than, oh, no, because he doesn't. Who drove our boat last time? The America's Cup boat. Who drove our boat?

Burling. Peter Burling? I don't know. I was going to say, no. That's so bad we don Peter Burling? I don't know. I was going to say, nah. That's so bad we don't know that. I don't care. They were trying to still make us drink original Steinlager. I'm like, yuck.

No. Anyway, blah, blah, blah. It's like someone not riding something that they always rode. Intern Anya's stand-up paddleboard is going to be for sale. Have you listed it on Trade Me yet? Nah, I'm trying to find the listing that I got it from so I know what it is other than big pink board. So you can just copy and paste.

Yeah. Megan's on board, pun intended. So for those that don't know, let's rewind the clock. How long ago did you buy this? I'd say two years ago, two summers ago. Now, how many times did you go out and stand up a barrel of Iriding? That would be twice. You're right, okay.

So you're averaging one a year. Oh, my God. $480. Don't even need to calculate it for that. That's $240 a ride. I remember, didn't we say at the time maybe you should get a blow-up one? Takes up less space and maybe not as expensive. I said you should go out to Old Ferg's or whatever.

They will hire one for a while to see if it's for you. Nah, I was just like, take the bull by the horns. Let's go, baby. And... You bought racks, didn't you? Yeah. For your RAV4? Yeah.

What happened to the RAV4? Oh, that pooped itself. Okay, so how much did the racks cost? Another $350. Okay, now we're talking. The racks don't go on the Demiurge,V4? Oh, that pooped itself. Okay, so how much did the racks cost? Another $350. Okay, now we're talking. Because the racks don't go on the Demiurge, do they? No, they don't. Because it's a stupid car.

They're fairly specific. So, only used twice. Stand-up paddleboard for sale. Yes, only been dropped three times. Oh, my gosh. While trying to put it onto the car. So, it likes scuff marks, but I say it adds personality. Yeah. You could say that happened when I say it adds personality. Yeah.

You could say that happened when you hit an orca. Yeah, that's true. Lots of stories about orcas lately. It's believable. Yeah, but you're trying to sell this. You don't want someone to imagine themselves being eaten in the ocean.

Yeah. It's an orca magnet. It looks like a delicious pink seal from the underbelly. I do have reservations though because, you know, when I look at it, I'm like, that's a dream. You know when I look at it I'm like that's a dream

you know? If I sell it that's that dream gone whereas if it sits in the garage. Guys or girls whoever like car enthusiasts look at like a half finished car project and they're like that's the dream. You understand. Yes. It's still there. What about Marie Kondo it like when you hold it does it

spark joy? I can't hold it so much. It's gotta go then. Thank it for it's service. Do a little Marie Kondo it. Like when you hold it, does it spark joy? I can't hold it so much. It's got to go then. Thank it for its service. Do a little Marie Kondo squat prayer and send it on its way. This is a Netflix show. You watched the first episode last night, didn't you?

Oh, it was just so annoying. I watched episode one. That family wanted a clipper in the air. So this is, she comes in and she basically cleans out everything. It took them four weeks to clean out their house.

Four weeks. How much rubbish did they have? They don't have kids. They have like three kids or something. And two kids. And the kid was annoying me as well. It was like the mother kept stopping Marie to address the child. Marie's a guest in your house, talking via translator,

filming a television show, put a hand to the child. This is what I do when my kids start talking and I'm talking to an adult. I just put my hand up like a stop signal, and they'll be trained to know that means I'll be with you in a minute. I don't ignore them. Then when I'm finished, I'm like, what did you want to say? And they're always like, I forgot. I'll be like, can't have been that important then.

But she's anti-books, eh? Like once you've read a book, she's like, get rid of it. Condo. Which I'm all for. You don't need to keep loads of books around that you read. You don't read them again. But then how are people going to know you can read? The library would be like, I've read all of those. I've read all of those. Yeah.

It was funny because the Marie Kondo thing, when we were watching, at the start, Sade was like, she could come around here and sort you out. And then most of the stuff actually adhered to Sade's collection of clothes and what have way more than me. Was she quiet by the end of the stuff actually adhered to Sade's collection of clothes and what have way more than me. Was she quiet by the end of the episode? She went pretty quiet.

Pretty quiet, pretty quack. So when are you putting the paddleboard online? When I move all the stuff off it because it's currently a shelf. Oh, so people have got two more years to save up. Yeah, you save up your pennies and get yourself a bargain. How much are you going to be looking for the stand-up pink paddleboard? Well, given its usage, maybe like $400, do you reckon? You are dreaming.

What? Because paddleboarding was very uncool when you purchased this, but even since, its cool stakes have absolutely plummeted. It is the Bitcoin of things to do on the weekend. It seemed like a really good idea a couple of years ago and your mate's like, I'm into stand-up paddleboarding, just like they were like,

I've bought some Bitcoin, I'm going to be a millionaire and then it shit itself. Stand-up paddleboarding, ridiculous. You'll be lucky to palm that off for $100 to a gullible auntie. Auntie, I feel roasted. You should.

You should. And in the feel roasted. You should. You should. And in the future, listen to me. We told you not to buy that. But you also told her to buy the Demio. Which Demio is a very sensible vehicle. This is serious stuff. I've been forced to ration. I'm going into rations.

Not the chippy, as we discussed earlier. Actual rationing something. So the contraceptive pill, Levalin, which is my pill. It also goes under the name Ava because I went to the doctor and I was like, I need Ava and he was like Levalin. Because they're all named after females, eh?

I think so. There's like Diane. No, I'm out. Diane was what I was on before Ava. And then Ava changed its name to Levelyn. But Ava and Levelyn is the pill that's being rationed. It's not Evelyn. Oh, Levelyn. Levelyn.

No, it's got an L in the front. Oh, that's Levelyn. I've never heard a woman called. Levelyn. These all sound like aunties or mum's friends. They do all sound like that. This is the one that Pharmac has said they're working to manage a

supply issue. So no longer at the moment, I think the supply comes again in March. So we've got like six weeks or something. This might be a conspiracy theory and a little bit of a long shot, but I think your South African mother-in-law who wants grandchildren Is she holding up shipments?

She's got in touch with someone in South Africa and they've run a message up to Somalia and the pirates are specifically targeting the ship carrying that cargo. Would not be surprised. Because she wants them babies. So there is a shortage, which means that when you go to the doctor and you can get a three-month or some people can get a six-month. I've never been able to do that.

Get a three-month supply. They're not going to give it to you. You'll only get a three month or some people can get a six month. I've never been able to do that. Get a three month supply. They're not going to give it to you. You'll only get a month. So that everyone gets a month. We're all on rations. And they're hoping in another month they'll have it sorted. Yeah.

But then does that mean you have to keep going back to the doctor and paying whatever you pay to go to the doctor? Well, that's what I thought. But apparently you'll get like a, what do you call it? A repeat. So you can go back and just go to the pharmacy and get it next month.

So will the doctor print you off a coupon? Yeah. And then you go back. A prescription. A prescription. No, I call them a doctor coupon. A doctor gift certificate. It's like getting like a Domino's coupon.

It sounds way more fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A discount coupon. Yeah, your coupon's ready to be picked up. Right, right. Okay, so that's just that one. It's not other birth control. No, it's just Ava and Leland.

Why are we short on Ava? What's... I think it's one of the most popular ones. Right. But I don't know why. They didn't make enough. Because I guess I was just naive

and didn't really know too much about it. I just thought there was like, I don't know, one? It's not a one-size-fits-all situation. No, there's quite a few. You've got to find your sweet spot. And the thing is,

you can't just be like, oh, I'll have a different one. Because's not a one size fits all situation. No, there's quite a few. You've got to find your sweet spot. And the thing is, you can't just be like, oh, I'll have a different one because you go on one, it often takes a few years to figure out one that's right for you because they have all different side effects and some people react adversely to one because I was on Diane but didn't agree.

Diane did not agree with me. Diane sounds bolshie. Yeah, bit of a bitch. Yeah. And so a bitch. Yeah. And so I moved on to Ava and then Ava just changed its name

to Levelyn or something. But you can't just switch to something else. That's the problem. So yeah we're on rations for

those on that pill. You're on the rations? I don't know why they can't just give us a year. Like just go back

every year and get it. Like a Warren Fitness. Exactly. Go back and get a year. Like, just go back every year and get it. Like a Warren Fitness. Exactly. Go back and get a year's supply. Yeah. Then where would you keep it all? Just in a drawer probably.

Because that's like, they don't give you, I can understand when they don't give you a large amount of prescription medication that could be used for nefarious purposes. Like cold and flu stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ritalin, I know that's one that you have to go back in for because I don't want you having bulk amounts

in case you start pointing it off to students who left everything for the last minute. Because sometimes it seems ridiculous because I got eye drops once, like real strong when I had conjunctivitis. I had to show a driver's license or something. I think that's because they make pee out of it or something, don't they? But I was like, look at my eye, mate. I'm not going to melt this down for meth.

Give it to me. I want to go home. How do you know that you didn't get like pink eye just because you wanted to make some meth? They don't know you. That's true. They don't know what lengths you're going to. You see someone with conjunctivitis, you're like, could I just poke your eye and then rub it in my eye? I need to get some more meth ingredients.

And that seems to be the easiest way to do it. Tiny five mil bottle, which I'm probably going to need like 100,000 of. To just treat my own eye and then make more meth. Yeah. Right. So if you're on the Levelyn. And Ava. You're not going to be able to get more than a month for once.

Rations, please. Prince Philip had a car accident recently. Pretty bad one. Was driving the next day with no seatbelt on. 200 ladies still waiting for an apology, I do believe. And I think the latest is she wants him charged. Well, she wants him to stop driving at the very least. Yeah.

She doesn't think he should be driving. 97. He can get people to drive him. I can't imagine he doesn't. That's the thing. You can't tell old mates that. You know, they've been driving all their life. You can't say, hey, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.

Especially Prince Philip. You try telling him what to do. So listed after the crash on British eBay is parts of Prince Philip's car that after the crash someone just scooted in and grabbed some bits of. Just like ran up and grabbed. Some bits of the car, yeah. Three plastic parts described as used. Okay.

The person selling it, Morbius777, said that the parts that are for sale are clearly visible on many of the online videos of the event. Okay. And 100% of the winning bid go to cancer research. That's what they said. But I believe the charity angle came in after the absolute

public plastering this person received from going onto a crash site. Weren't they saying there was a little bit of DNA on it? They said this may even contain Prince Philip's DNA if you wanted to clone him or anything. Joke. They've since said that was

just a joke. They can't guarantee that the DNA would be on there, but there is a high chance that the DNA would be on there. 84,000 US dollars is what it's up to at the moment. What? But he said it's also since it went in the media, just been receiving, you know when any trade me auction here in New Zealand

goes, you know, gets the headline, people just start putting fake bids on from like no star accounts. So yeah, he says he just believes it's that. So the winning bid is probably not going to pay. If they do, it'll all be donated to Cancer Research. If they don't, I'll be making my own donation.

So leave me alone. Stop it. Don't burn my house down if you're a massive royal fan. Yeah, because that's the thing in the UK. Like the huge royalists, you don't want to even say a bad thing. Some of those bids might actually be legit because they love it.

It's a real dark piece of memorabilia, though. I mean, it's not like he died in the crash. It's not like it's a Princess Diana. No, but there was that. I remember when that happened. There wasn't eBay or anything at the time, but people were saying that the crash site was kind of picked through.

Wow. Yeah, and bits and pieces that were loose and easy to get off were stolen as some sort of a dark memorabilia. Going around to some rich person's house and he's got like, I don't know, dinosaur fossils, steering wheel from Prince Philip's car. I don't know. Weird collections. How'd you get rich? These are some terrible decisions. So I've got a situation to deal with after work today. Very stinky situation. Yesterday, something arrived in the mail and immediately I was like,

well, I don't know what this is supposed to smell like, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to smell like this. Backstory. Yeah. My mother-in-law has one of those hungry bins with worms in it, and you put the food in, and then the worm juice comes out, the worm tea, wonderful for the garden, and the castings and stuff can be used around the garden as well.

Okay. It's like a compost bin full of active worms, tiger worms, I think. Looks like weak coffee. Yeah. Don't drink it. No. Okay. So I'm fascinated by it, and she's like, for your birthday, I'll get you one.

And I was like, that's great. So she messaged me last week. She's like, it's going to be a little bit earlier than your birthday, but your hungry bin is on the way. So how big is his hungry bin? It's like the size of a compost bin. Right. Standard sort of compost. What, like 60 centimetres by 60 centimetres and it stands

about a metre something tall. Okay. And you get it and you fill it up with like compost or potting mix and then you put the worms in and you give them a little bit to get used to their home and then you can just chuck in all of your like scraps.

And they eat it all. Not meat scraps. And there's a few other things you can't put in there. It's all in the house. Eggshells? No. Oh, no.

I don't think eggshells would be good for the wormies. So, and then they break it down and you can use the castings in your garden and it's reducing the waste that goes in the bin. Yep. So, she then they break it down and you can use the castings in your garden. Right. And it's reducing the waste that goes in the bin.

Yep. So she sent it to me and the courier, when they put this, okay, so she emailed me the track and trace thing last week. Yeah.

And it said it was dispatched on the 17th. Okay. So yesterday when it arrived, the courier opened the door of the van and said, hey, these worms, enjoy your worms. What's this? Explain the basic deal. Yeah. Because it says, the courier opened the door of the van and said, hey, enjoy your worms.

What's this? Explain the basic deal. Yeah. Because it says on the thing, live worms inside. Yeah. And I was like, I'm super excited about this. I'm jazzed. I've been waiting for it.

Yeah. I open it up and the smell is something. I'm like, well, I don't know what worms smell like in droves. How many worms we're talking? It's like 500 grams of worms. So wait, did she send you the compost bin or just the worms? No, so you order the compost bin and the worms as one from the place. Yep.

And then they send it to you, they courier it to you. Right. Now they need to courier it to you because there's live worms in there. Now, you might remember I said it was apparently left the warehouse on the 17th. Yesterday was the 21st. So that's a weekend, obviously. The 17th was Thursday. It might have even been the 16th.

Jew expectant date was the 17th. Right. So then I pull out the compost, the bin that worms are going to live in. And that's when I see a dry clump of dead worms on the side of the box. And I'm like, oh, no. They've made a run for it. They've escaped the bag. But lo and behold, the bag was where the moisture was. Yeah, right.

And these worms are dead now and hard. Ooh, and they were just dead and stanky. And just hard, stuck on the side. So I was like, heck, well, and I looked at it and I was like, that would have been like a small clump of worms. Are there still plenty of worms in the bag? R.I.P. R.I.P. worms.

It was smelly and the kids were like, whoa. And then the flies were just like, we'll have them. And I'm like, get out of it, flies. So then I set up the bin, put the compost in, and I'm like, for the surviving worms, it's time to make your new home. Well, I opened the bag and that was when I was struck with the most pungent stink because it seems that the worms may have been sitting at the courier's depot over the weekend in a hot warehouse because they were all dead

and the stink was ungodly. Yuck. What did you do? I'm gagging and I can't even smell it. Just dig a hole and get rid of them? The thing was, I put them into the bin because I was like, I'll wait for the alive ones to wiggle out and then I'll take this chunk of like dead stuff out

and dispose of it. No live ones wiggled out. This was just a big chunk of dead worms. Well, at least you can compost them. Can you though? I don't know. Because they're meaty. If I get new worms,

I wouldn't be too keen to eat a rotting human. No. If one had been like filleted, prepared and butchered correctly, maybe I would. No, I wouldn't. But, oh my God, the stink. Shade was like, what is it? I was like, oh, the worms.

Did you ring the worm place? I tried to ring them and it was like, oh, please call us back during business hours. And it was three o'clock in the afternoon. I'm like, pretty sure. I'm pretty sure it's business hours. My mother-in-law, I messaged her. I was like, not your fault, but yeah,

I'll let you know what's happened. She said, I tried ringing them on Friday to see where the worms were and they said call back during business hours. This was at two o'clock. I was like, well, when's the business hours? I don't know if happies adhere to normal business hours. But then I don't know if it was their fault. Yeah, do you get compensation from the courier?

It was through a rural address. We've moved rurally and I understand it doesn't function as quickly as inner city couriers. I think you've explained enough there to stop the hate from couriers texting in. What's that? That I live rural. Yeah, yeah. Well, it did sit in someone's hot warehouse over the weekend. I'd say.

I'd say. And then the courier, our courier driver picked it up and was just like, no one is, that poor woman was driving around with it in the back of the van. You would have been the first delivery. Wow, mate, that was the truck. But I've not. Wow, that's disgusting. I know.

And I was wondering this morning if we can take some calls. Yeah. On what? On like what you opened because you know you'll order something sometimes you order something and it smashes but the courier bag's sealed so it keeps it all in and then you open it and just like everything falls out yeah okay like perfumes or or like creams or or foods and jars i um had someone that ordered some like flash jam and they opened it but the jar had smashed

but the jar had smashed around the lid so it felt like it was intact and they opened it and then this jam was just like everywhere.

Who orders flash jam? I can't remember. It was someone I was flatting with. I didn't know they were ordering it for a gift for like their parents

or something because they always raved about this jam because they were British. Yeah, it was an old flatmate. It was a British person. They ordered this jam that one of the dads loved from back home. Okay.

It does sound like a weird. So I lived with someone who ordered particularly flash jams. Of course. Yeah. All right, so what you want to hear from people right now. Had an unexpected surprise on opening a package or delivery. Yeah, maybe a food delivery was delayed and it went manky too. It got too much like I was doing

that for this thing. So I just shut the lid on it. I was like, I'm going to deal with you tomorrow. And the flies were all like trying to get in and I was like, get out of here. It's not going to be any better today. Don't you see this is genocide? Yeah, I'd just take that into the middle of the lawn, pour some petrol on it, light a match, walk away, come back in an hour.

Because rotting worms are only going to smell better when they're cooking as well. I'm just thinking like there'll be no evidence left. It'll all just incinerate. Okay, making a murderer. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. Well, no, they would have had to do

a lot more burning, making a murderer, as we learnt in season two. Or get a lot more worms. Whenever you had a surprise, when you've opened the courier package, I've worn your live worms for your compost. Yeah, I'll be having a worm funeral. Mass worm funeral.

It is really sad. That's a lot of worms. I know, it's like, poor little buggers. I was like, you got me keen to do that, and then real not keen, all in like two minutes. I took you there, and then I pulled you back. So we're talking about when you've opened the mail or opened a package to a a less than exciting surprise yeah um some text

messages i work as a freight sorter for the couriers there was one package that came through in a cloth bag the smell was absolutely horrendous turns out it was from the wall testers and it was sheep poo pulled from the wall for testing. Put it in a container. Like dags. Yeah, yeah, the dags during the shearing. I don't know what they were testing for, but it was a jar full of... Oh, right. But it wasn't a glass jar. They said it was... It was sneaking out.

It smells sneaking out. How is it sneaking out? Under the lid is a little bit of a... So, I'm going to save this text for last after we take some calls because it's fully intense and I can't believe it happened. Let's start with Lisa. Was this your husband, Lisa? It's my

partner. Okay, and so what happened? So he's got a dream to make a possum for Swo. He's been out possuming over the winter. Is he making some kind of like Jon Snow kind of cape or something? Pretty much. A possum, that would be extremely warm.

Oh, yeah. Lovely food. It's going to be delightful. But he sort of went and got a whole lot of possums and then sent them away in a courier bag to go get tanned. And about a week later, they never turned up to the guy. And, yeah, they turned up at a dep And about a week later, they never turned up to the guy. And yeah, they turned up at a depot about a week later

and he got a phone call being like, can you come and pick up the most rancid smelling package? And that team's sitting there for a week just going rotten. Whose car was that though? The courier's? Or did they smell it and were like...

You're actually not even allowed to send that kind of thing, so you can't even complain about it. Oh, yeah. I suppose it's animal carcass, isn't it? You're not allowed to send that. Oh, that's disgusting. Lisa, thanks for your call. Brandon, what happened?

So I was working for a company up north in Pairoa at the time, and we had a dead frozen dog come through where I was working to be delivered to a customer up in Thames. I'm imagining you found this out because it started stanking? No, I found it out because the courier driver rung us up and was very, very abusive. Who was this going to? Was it going to a taxidermist up in Thames or something? No, it was going to the customer,

so the owner of the dog. So I'm guessing it had passed away or something when someone was house-f my guess and was uh going up to the owners so that they could bury it right so here's your dead dog sorry about that wow that's crazy yeah and um like if you've ever smelled like when an animal passes away for a very long period of time, it gets really stinky and that smell of rotting flesh just does not get out of your nose. Is that the worst kind of thing that you'd experience at the depot? Yeah, I'd say so. I would much rather stick my head in a jelly bin full of oysters

than to smell that smell ever again. Odd one, but okay. I might hold you to that. Yeah. Hey, thanks for your call. Some other text messages on surprises in the mail. I'm a courier. We're often getting curries being posted around the country,

but in the plastic containers that you get a curry from. So no, like, sealing or double bagging. And no refrigeration. And posted slow post. But it would cost you like at least $7 or $8 to send something like that, right? I don't know the theory here. Well, even if you'd be able to just buy a curry. Well, on hot days after they sit in the van, every now and then one will explode.

We took it to one person and it was literally leaking out of the bag and I watched as they poured it into a bowl with the intent on eating it. Also, like, dangerous. I hope they're not meat curries. They are meat curries. That was my opening line. Meat curries. Oh, my God.

You'll get sucked. You'll get so sucked. I'll get so sucked. I'll get so sucked. You'll get so sucked. Take it from me. You can shit yourself. Okay, so this is a weird one.

Someone said I work in a really big company and just after I left on a Friday, the mail room said a cake's arrived for you. Okay. I was like,

that's weird. I'm gone. Put the cake in the fridge. I'll grab it on Monday. They said, okay. And then on Monday I get there and there is a panic because they didn't put the cake in the fridge I'll grab it on Monday. They said okay and then on Monday I get there and there is a panic

because they didn't put the cake in the fridge and it turns out it wasn't for me it was somebody else who had been cheating on their partner and the cake stunk

like you wouldn't believe everyone highly suspected that their jilted lover had pooed in the cake. Eat my... Yeah, like the movie. Goodness me. It's probably for the best that no one ate it then.

I know. That's disgusting. Imagine if they'd been here on the Friday. I feel sorry for couriers now, having to treat half of this crap around. Because you occasionally get a stinky thing in your car. It takes a long time to get out. Those fans. Someone got 5kgs

of whitebait delivered four days late. Supposed to be delivered on the same day frozen but it had defrosted itself. See, I'm all for online shopping but you,

like your worms, you need to go and pick those up. I'll go pick up the worms next time. Don't, yeah, go get them. Go get your worms. We don't need another mass genocide of go get them. Go get your worms. We don't need another mass genocidal worm.

No. Go get your worms. I feel sick now. Thanks for that. Well, that's good though. Good for the eating plan to not feel like eating for the rest of the day. FVM, the podcast. Guys, on Instagram, how do you find like, you know,

if you see a photo you like and you click on that little add this to a collection, where do you find those collections? In your flagged things. You go up into your menu, don't you? It's there. Point me in the right direction. What have you been flagging? Because I'm going to be marking some posts.

Oh, here we go. Saved. Where is it? It's really weird because sometimes you accidentally click on something and then you click on the right, top right right corner menu and then down it's on saved. And that's where you find all your saved posts. Like I've got, I really like these cushions. I accidentally click on these things when I'm scrolling down

because I'm a right thumb scroller. Like I've got a picture of this little Uzi on sheep heads. Why? That's just actually, I don't want to save that for the future. But anyway, one thing I did save yesterday, and thanks for tagging me in this, whoever tagged me in it. Okay. Miss Hannah Ballantyne tagged me in this on Instagram.

Okay. She said this should help. And thanks to everybody who sent me tips on how to touch my toes without bending my knees. That's my one goal for the year year and it's important to have support. What are you going to do if it gets to, how long are you anticipating this is going to take? The entire 2019. Okay.

Because it's something surely you can do in a couple of months if you're doing this every day. Well then tick done. I can relax for the rest of the year. What do you want from me? You're not going to come up with another goal? Yeah, like once you've got this one you work on something else. But then like what if I fail the next one and that's a 50% success and fail ratio. If I can get this done and then come up with another goal? Yeah, like once you've got this one, you work on something else. But then like, what if I fail the next one and that's a 50% success and fail ratio?

Like, if I can get this done and then I cut it off, that's 100%. I can be like, goals achieved, hashtag inspired, hashtag something, and then I don't need to go into the details.

What about constant betterment? Like bettering yourself in just small ways. Yeah, but then if I fail, I will drag myself down and then I'll be scared to try again. No one's going to point and laugh and be like, no, no, no, no, you failed. They do. They do.

And plus you've told the nation you have to do this now. Yeah, yeah. So the last we heard is that you could touch up to a freckle on your leg. Yeah, 18 centimetres. But right now, this is the thing. What? I was going to say, have you been doing the spinny thing though? Yeah, yeah, well I But right now, this is the thing. What? I was going to say, have you been doing the spinny thing though? Yeah, yeah, well I do the spinny thing.

You spin around just before you try to touch your toes and you like spin at the hips like you're a giant washing machine and then you can for some reason get a bit further. I think you must stretch something in your back. I did another Pilates class this morning in an effort to touch my toes without hitting my knees. But this is one of those virtual Pilates, isn't it? I know, and it's kind of annoying because

the person who videoed it who made it and it's on at the gym and you just touch the screen outside and then you go in and it gives you 40 seconds to get ready, which is a bit exciting. You want to get your mat out. You flick your mat, you're like, I've just got my shoes on, oh my god!

Don't start without me, Lisa! And you kick your shoes off and you get on the floor and then you realise it's like 10 to 4 in the morning and you're like, this is crazy. Yeah. So, but the problem is they filmed this and this lady who filmed it tried to insert a whole lot of personality into it. Okay.

And you're not down for the... Well, no, I was the first time, but like the second time and the third time, the third time today, it was still Memorial Day weekend in New York City and you know what the traffic's like and the subway. And then this woman walks in late. Into the virtual class.

Into the virtual class. This woman walks in late and she's like, sorry I'm late. And you hear, sorry I'm late. And then the woman's like, that's okay, subway. You know what it was like. And of course it's Memorial Day weekend in New York City. And I'm just like, I know it is!

But it's not! Do these get renewed or not often? I don't know. Can you select another? But I remember back in the day, I did a couple of Mary Windsor Pilates classes at home on VHS. Now, Mary kept the personality insertion to a minimum, so you could watch it over and over and over and didn't get it. Yeah, right.

And the weird thing is, there's a Justinin timberlake song in this pilates class but everything else is that royalty free music and then it gets the justin timberlake and it's good because i'm like i'm definitely over halfway when jt comes on no it's because that'll be jessica beal's pilates class so she's like you can have this music. Do you reckon? I don't know. Oh, she might have some sort of vested interest. She's like, hun, I need one of your songs. And he's like, um, use... What is it? Is it a crappy one? Nah, it's that, I can't even think

what one of it is now. It was like one of those maybe fourth or fifth singles off the album after Justified. Okay. You know, we're starting to go downhill. So there's that and I know I'm over halfway. But yeah, she's talking about all the stuff and I'm like, well, that doesn't apply. Like, come on, do some timeless stuff.

Timeless bands. Keep the personality and bands to a minimum if I'm going to have to go through this a hundred times. Right. But it is good because when she mentions that it's a memorial day, we're working for the fourth time. I know we've only got two exercises to go. Right. And then we're out. But I've been doing a bit of that.

And how far can you get past the freckle? I don't know how far I can go now because I'm not really warmed up or anything. Why don't you go to do the spin? Do a spin. Well, after the class this morning, I did these other things somebody told me. Yeah.

And that yoga, a couple of these yoga things that I was tagged in. Yeah. And someone said I've got to roll my hammies. So I've been sitting on, you know, that foam roller. Oh, yeah. I've never ever used one of those before. That hurts.

You're like, oh, foam roller. Good luck hurting me. And then you're like, why are you doing this to me, foam roller? You're soft. Why does it hurt? Because you sit on it and then you roll it back and forth on the hammies. Yeah, but it should be, you'd think it'd be soft, but it's not. And then at the start it doesn't hurt too much.

And then the more you do it, the more it hurts. And then somebody said, if you're going to do the front, back, you've got to do the front. So then I roll over and sort of mount it and do the sexual rolling. Right. To get the front done. And then so after I did that in the Pilates class this morning, I got way past the freckle.

I actually touched where the leg turns into the foot. The ankle. The ankle. The roundy bit. Where the angle changes from down to out. You're going to be able to do this by February. I don't know how far, but see like now, not warmed up, because you PC people just stop and do this. No big deal.

But I've done the warm up and all the stretches and I could get to the ankle, but now if I tried, I don't think I could get very far from just a cold start. Okay, right. I'm going to do the spin round thing. Okay, do the spin. Okay, good. You can hear him.

All right, go. Try to touch your toes. Don't. Go slowly. Don't bounce like that. Your middle finger gets to almost the curve of your ankle. Oh, yeah. I've lost about an inch and a half after this morning's flexible when I've warmed up.

But I'm getting closer. I can go past the freckle now. Is your wife excited about what this could bring to the relationship, you being more flexible? I don't think so. It'll just be him asking more. Yeah, and be like, but I can do the flexible thing. She'll be like, still not appealing. And be like, but I can do the flexible thing. She'll be like, still not a belly.

And it's not the third Friday of the month, so I don't know why you're even pushing it. Another one. I'm like, this is in the night markets, love. This is supposed to be spontaneous sexual excitement. I don't know if you could tag. I'd rather have a spicy kebab. I would love to go to the night markets as well

and do the hand-rolled dumplings. I'll go on record and say I'm all for a bit of fun in an inflatable sea vessel. Right, okay. But there's a time and a place? There is a time and a place. And also acceptability of sea vessel. Yeah, right.

Like boat. That's a bit of fun. Okay. Maybe a lilo to push in some calmer waves. Not like a rugged West Coast beach, but, you know, like a calm day in Mount Longanui, you could definitely take the lilo. Or a nice inflatable swan at ZM's Float.

Exactly. Lovely. Exactly. Huge. Great time and a place. Huge fan of a decorative inflatable for relaxing upon. However, even I would say taking an inflatable air mattress into the rapids just out of Queenstown would be a poor idea.

On the Kawarau River, famous for actual whitewater rafting and a variety of other amazing, because it's a very picturesque river. Oh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. Now, I don't know exactly where this was. It was described as just below the Dogleg Rapids. Now, that sounds to me fairly rapid-y.

I googled the Dogleg Rapids. This is a Class 3 plus rapid. Okay. So that goes out of Class 5, right? The cold air. Yeah, yeah. And it's a 7.5- kilometre journey, one of three hours. The raft is put in from the Arrowtown turn off.

So it's out there. You know, you've seen, is it the same boat they used? That's the Shotover River, eh? It's a little further up though, isn't it? Yeah. But they have a Kawerau jet, right? That goes up there. Yeah.

So it was there that two men, one from Queenstown, one from Dunedin, needed to be rescued by a helicopter because they went down a section of this river on an inflatable air mattress. Okay. For sleeping on, not for floating on. Yeah. Although they do float. They do float very well.

See, I'd do an air mattress at a placid lake. Great for a placid lake. Well, you can lie on it and relax and maybe even have a snooze. But if they're naming rapids, then, you know, if the rapid's got a name, it's not, it's something to behold. I wouldn't even say if it had rapids in the title at all, Megan. It should be avoided on an air mattress. Yeah, I'd even say if it's a river that they do commercial adventures on.

Yeah. Also not for like inflatable energy. Correct, yes. But the second most frustrating part about this story is that the person they turned to for comment was the harbour master. Now, I've also got a problem with it being called the harbour master because there's no harbour in Queenstown. It could be called the lake master.

Yep. But it should not be called the harbour master. Or a river master. Yeah, river master or general aquatics supervisor. Aquatics manager. But they've called Marty a harbour master. You're not wrong. That is a saltwater person's term.

That's not a freshwater person's term. Megan's rolling her eyes. Of all the things we're going to talk about, this drink you've got. He shouldn't be called a harbour master. It's not a harbour. It's a lake. I agree with you. Correct me if I'm wrong shouldn't be called a harbour master. It's not a harbour. It's a lake. I agree with you.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the definition of harbour would be... Should be a lake master. Should be saltwater. Should be a calm area of deep water used for shipping. I've just Googled lake master. It's not a term, Vaughan. It should be. He should be a harbour master.

Anyway, Marty, let's call him the general aquatics manager oversight, overseer of the area. Yeah. He refused to send the jet ski down for rescue. Topor have a harbour master as well. That's even less of a harbour. Yeah, I know. That couldn't be more lake-like.

Yeah. That's not a harbour. I was just checking. I googled, like, what is a harbour master? Oh, no-like. Yeah. That's not a harbour. I was just checking. I googled, like, what is a harbour master. Oh, no. And it says an official in charge of a harbour. Rotorua has a harbour master. Are you bloody kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding. Oh, no, not on. Yeah. Yeah, let's get some more terms. I mean, I feel sorry for them. They're just being lumped in with harbour masters. They don't have a harbour. Well, you don't have a harbour.

Well, you don't have to rinse your boat out after you've taken it in the freshwater, do you? Yeah, but what about... You don't have to do that thing where you plug the garden hose into a boat and run it like this. OK. On the side of the road and fog on the tar and drive everybody else bloody nuts. It's nine o'clock in the morning.

You may have been out for a morning fish. I'm trying to relax. You've got to clean it when you get it in, mate, otherwise it'll rust the internal parts. Anyway, they were rescued by helicopter and it cost over $2,000 an hour. Oh, my gosh. And General Aquatics Manager Marty Black says,

we shouldn't be paying for this. No, we shouldn't be paying for it, no. So don't float down the river on an air mattress. Yeah. I would say anything on that part of the river. I'm sure the lake master does a course on water safety.

Well no, he's in charge of a river as well. It can't be a lake master. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the day is about Egypt. Okay. Particularly Cairo, the capital city of Egypt. Have you guys ever been to Egypt? No, I want to.

I feel like you went to Egypt. I've spoken to you about it. I talked to a friend that went. He was like, it's good to go and see the pyramids and stuff and then get out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't a fan. Yeah, remember I talked to you about going and then those Aussie tourists took stones from the pyramid or something.

Remember we had this discussion? They were like, ha-ha, they're at home now. Stones from the pyramids. I'm like, I don't think you're allowed those. And no one's gonna, there's not gonna be any left if everyone takes one.

Yeah. And I've heard that also it's like the Taj Mahal. You gotta frame the photo right, otherwise you're gonna get a lot of rubbish. Oh, yeah. That's a lot.

It was when Carl Pilkington went on that travel show he did and he was like, here it is, like one of the wonders of the world and a KFC packet's rolling past them in the wind. It's the same when you go to the Coliseum.

That's just got rubbish everywhere. Oh, yeah, so you've got to frame your photo and then do a little bit of photoshopping to get rid of the rubbish. Well, Cairo is getting replaced. As Egypt is currently building a new capital city from scratch, brand new, to replace Cairo. You can't just do that, can you? Well, apparently you can if you're Egypt.

I've always wondered, like, what stops a new city from popping up somewhere? Like, there's a huge expanse of desert. That's where they're building this. So they kind of had the free land. It wasn't like it could be farmed or... So it's like a Dubai kind of situation. Yeah.

Well, Dubai's the same. One of the world's newest cities, right? Because it popped up and it just got really massive really quick. And as long as you don't look too hard, you can be like, wow. And then you scratch the surface and you're like, some human rights have been questioned. Thanks to Dubai Tourism for our trip there. I loved it, loved it.

Didn't look too hard. But so Egypt is building a new capital city to replace Cairo. It's got a smart traffic system because this is the... When you start from the start, you can have bike lanes from the start. You can have what? Bike lanes from the start. Are you serious? That's what you're worried about for a new city.

Make sure you put the bike lanes in. Why wouldn't you? You'd get it all. Might be a bit hot in Egypt to bike. Yeah, mine times. But they were the cooler months. Could you do like a tube? Or is it too hot?

When your tyres would get stuck in the sand. Have you ever tried riding a bike on the beach in the soft sand? So hard. Real hard. But then have you tried riding those bikes with the sand tyres on on the footpath? Also very hard. Yeah.

Those tyres are so stupid. I see people riding those around on a non-sand surface. I think you're really putting in a lot more effort than you need to. So I looked it up. Cairo has been the capital city of Egypt since 1517. Okay. That's when it became the capital city of Egypt. Before that, it was actually settled thousands and thousands of years before that.

So it's an insanely old city. So when's the new city going to be? Well, they're working on it. They want to be moved in by 20... Alright, everyone. Move your house. It's moving day. Did you call the movers? Oh, no. I've left it late. Well, you're never going to get

anybody now. But what if you've got, like, four months left on your lease? I don't have an answer. Cairo's not getting its bomb back. Yeah, and do you just get a new house if you own a house in Cairo? You've lost the paperwork on Cairo. You've been living in that flat so long.

You're like, you can't remember the tenancy number. You tried calling them, but they couldn't find it. It was the days before computers. It was all lost on paper. But then by 2022, they kind of want to be starting to move. And six and a half million people, it's going to be able to populate like on opening day. This just seems mad.

Does it have a name? No, that's the thing it doesn't have. They're not naming it because it's like a baby. It might have a name in mind, but then when you see it, you're like, no, it doesn't suit Francis. It's more of a Kevin. It's more of a something else. Yeah. So they're not going to name it until it's like more complete.

So they can get a feel for what the city is actually going to be like. And then are they just bulldozing the old city? And then they're going to leave it there for somebody else to use. But what are they just going to get millions of people all of a sudden living in this new city? Yeah. Going to be like all these, well they're taking all the government jobs. Right. To this new city.

Right. So that'll take all the government employees and all their families and then they're going to need all restaurants and everything to service them. So yeah, one big foul swoop then they're going to need all restaurants and everything to service them. So, yeah, one big foul swoop, and they're going to be moving a whole lot of people away from Cairo. Madness. Yeah. How familiar would it be?

It's like Game of Sim City. It basically is. Yeah, Big Game of Sim City. So today's fact of the day is Egypt is currently building a new capital city from scratch to replace the capital city it's had for, like, over 400 years. Fact of the day day, day, day, day What is that? It smells lovely. It's a vitamin A and avocado body lotion. Same arms. It's lovely. I just noticed I had a bit of a dry feel.

Okay. Does anyone have some leg-based moisturiser in the studio? And then there was. So that's great. I'm moisturised now. I feel a little bit more rich of a day. That does smell delicious. Yeah, it's quite nice.

Anyway, it's from that struggle of dry legs to another struggle I want to talk about now. A body's a body's a struggle. Okay. This happened to me over summer. Yeah. I'm always on, when you're a hat wearer, you're always on the look for the next hat. I'm very happy with the hat I've got, but don't be a fool and become complacent. Because that hat won't last long.

They don't last long. Or if I lose it or anything. That's why you need to do what Fletch does. And once you find one. Buy a thousand of them. Yeah. Well, 25. Do you know I dipped in and got a new one the other day?

Did you? I noticed that. Thank you. That one looks pretty fresh. Fresh one, this one. Why don't you try a different colour? Nah, this is the only size in this colour. It's the only colour for you.

That's what he's happy with. He likes his blue. I was reading an article by a man called Jake Massey. He wrote this over the break, talking about his lifelong struggles with a large head. Which is you. Which is me. Yeah, it's hard. Okay, so he said the circumference of a

medium-sized head is 22 and a half inches. The circumference of his head is 24 and a half inches. Have you ever had your circumference? Yeah, I have. What is it? 64 centimetres. How many inches is that? I don't know. It's because my grandad, when my grandad passed,

I knew he had a couple of really cool hats. And I was like, him and I shared these massive heads. You're 25 inches. Are you bigger than the guy that wrote the story? About having a big head, yeah. 64 centimetres is 25.19 inches. Now, it's not a girthy head. It's not a wide head.

I'm not Arnold of Hey Arnold. It's not a football head. It's a deep head. Yeah. And I've got this little knobbly situation on the back here. And that adds an inch or two, I'd say. It looks like a tailbone or something. Yeah, it is.

It's a skull tailbone. I'm not a forceps baby either because people ask if I'm a forceps baby. But I just came right out. So buying a hat is hard. Buying a hat is, it's a body struggle. It's okay if they're adjustable or like stretchy.

They kind of stretch right out to the limits and then fit on. This one's actually one, this is why it's my favourite hat. Yeah. Because it's just so comfortable and it's got a good stretch to it.

Because when we do the luge, you've got to go for an XL but even then it kind of sits on your head like a weird, yeah, it's got a good stretch to it. Because when we do the luge, you've got to go for an XL, but even then it kind of sits on your head like a weird, yeah, it's odd. And I put a hat on over the holidays. I've had a while and someone said, did that shrink? About the hat. And I was like, no, it was the biggest one they had, but I just really wanted a brimmed hat.

Okay. Right. So there's that. It's a lifelong struggle. Could you like cut a slit in the back just to make it? Of my head? No, the hat. Of the hat. Yeah. Could you like cut a slit in the back just to make it? Of my head? No, the hat. Of the hat.

Yeah. But then you lose the shape of the hat and everything. Yeah, and then it'll just rip and stretch. And it'll become really obvious. People will be like, you've got to cut in the hat. And you're like, I had to cut it so my head would fit in. Ruins the structural integrity of the hat. Yeah, it completely destroys it.

But it's good to know reading this article that there's other people out there. Well, my friend has a different body struggle. It's not head related. It's foot related. So like not massive feet, but one foot is one size bigger than the other. One full size. So she has to get a sole that's slightly thicker.

A toe filler. And or if she can't. Oh no, do you mean one leg's longer than the other or the foot's actually. The foot's longer. So one is like a size six and one is a size seven. Because everyone's got a foot that's a little bit longer than the other. My left is always a little bit tighter. Not like a full size.

No. So what? She'd have to buy a size seven and then one of the shoes she'd just have a bit of room in. She tries them both on and then sees like, well, okay, I'm going to go for one real tight or one loose. Do you know what I'd do? I'd be like to the shop person. I'd be like, hey, can I try a six and a seven? And then I'd put them back,

mishmash. She's tried it. Oh. When you go to the counter, you know how they all, I'll just check if both, if they match. And they're like,

oh, silly, you've got a six and a seven here. She's like, oh, silly me. Silly, silly me. I don't. If you have another look. And sometimes if the shoes are cheap enough,

she buys two pairs. Oh. Yeah. Hard out, eh? But then if you could find someone who has shared a similar fashion with you and had the reverse problem, what a great friend to have. Diamond doesn't, mate. Diamond doesn't.

Yeah, I mean, the criteria has, the field of search has shrunk significantly, but they could exist. They could, yeah. They could be out there. Yeah. I'd just like to know from other people who have got an unusual body struggle when it comes to like clothing or something. Like maybe one arm longer than the other.

But that wouldn't be a struggle, right? You'd just roll up out of the sleeves. I've heard of some women with like one boob bigger than the other. I don't have that. I was of the understanding that was commonplace. I don't not noticeably anyway. Not significantly different, but I know that's not rare. Because then how does that work?

You just have to go for the bra that's... Bit of a hanky. Yeah. The bigger one and then pack it. Put a hanky down there maybe. Pack a chuck of chicken fillet. Right. Not an actual chicken fillet,

but you know those things that are like a chicken fillet. Okay. All right. So you want to hear from people with some unusual body struggles. Yeah, maybe it just makes maybe like clothes spinning a bit weird. We're talking about your unusual body struggles. Thanks for all your messages. This is good because you,

there could be somebody listening who thinks there's something wrong with them. They're the only one. You're not alone. You are not alone. You are not. I am here with you, big headed people. I started the only one. You're not alone. You are not alone. You are not. I am here with you, big headed people. I started and didn't want to commit to it.

Yeah, it's a big Michael Jackson put a cake to bite off that one. So should we start with some texts? Yes. My partner has this struggle with pants. Only a size 10 in everything, but her ass is huge. Oh, that's a great problem to have.

Yeah, like even a size 16 is tied around the bum. But then the legs. Everything else is a size 10. Oh, that's a great problem to have. Yeah, like even a size 16 is tied around the bum, but then the leg is a size 10. Oh, that would be... But see, you think that's why everyone wants that Kardashian look. But shopping would be a nightmare. Go to Just Jeans, mate. They don't have the Kardashian section. So you'd have to get a lot of stuff like altered, wouldn't you?

Yeah. That's what we're hearing from a lot of people who get clothes and then have them altered. But then that's expensive because you're buying the clothes and then you're also paying to have them altered as well. Somebody else said, I have got really long arms and legs, but everything else is short. And I've got big feet. So it's really weird because you want something to cover your arms. Yeah.

I go halfway down, but then it's really baggy in the torso section. Right. Lots of people with really, finding it hard to find shoes. Okay. Somebody else said that they suffered deep vein thrombosis in the leg, and it's given them permanent swelling of the leg.

So now when they go to get jeans, one leg's real tight and one leg's loose. Oh. So you'd have to go a baguette. Well, baguette jeans are kind of in though now, eh? Yeah, well, you could buy a baguette and then like taper one leg. No one would notice. No one would notice.

All right, we'll take some calls. A big bloody glender in alterations has seen it all. Who have we got? Rebecca, what's your body struggle? I have to wear man-sized shoes. Oh, okay. Why is that? What's the body struggle? I have to wear man-sized shoes. Oh, okay. Why is that? What's the story there?

I've got really wide feet. Okay. And they don't make women's shoes wide enough. Right. So what size men's shoe would you have to buy? Like an eight and a half or a nine. Okay. Wow.

So you wouldn't be able to wear heels then? No, they're really uncomfortable. Oh, no. And could you get heels specially made? But then that's a lot of money, isn't it? Yeah, it's a huge waste of money. Did you spend a lot of time barefoot as a child? I had this condition where I walked on tiptoes for the first few years.

Right. I had to have an operation to lengthen my Achilles tendon. Oh, wow. So, yeah, when I was three, I had double casts on my legs. Right. And mum thought that was fun. She got out her paints and she started painting my cast. So what would you do if you went to, like, a ball or something?

What would you wear? When I went to my school ball, I think I just wore flats. Okay. But that was, like, over 18 years ago. I was going to say a long dress I think I just wore flats. Okay. But that was like over 18 years ago. I was going to say long dress cover, you would never know. Exactly. Hey, Rebecca, thanks for your call. Some text messages in.

Someone said I have a ridiculously high belly button. What? It's quite fashionable to wear clothes now that show off your belly button. Would that be rude to ask for a photo of that? Well, you know, is it Taylor Swift that's got a really high or really low belly button. Wouldn't it be rude to ask for a photo of that? Well, you know, is it Taylor Swift that's got a really high or really low belly button? Really low because she wears like high-waisted things. Well, that's what they go on to say. They say, I put on the wonderful crop tops and a pair of leggings at the gym and people look and it's not because they're checking out my hot bod, which is what I tell myself.

It's because they're trying to work out where my belly button is. Yeah, that's quite fascinating. Someone once said I'm a bit like a sausage dog. Right, Raina, what's your body struggle? So I grew up playing badminton, which meant that because I was right-handed, my whole entire right upper body was disproportionate to my left. Right. And so whenever I went clothes shopping, particularly for jackets or tops,

it was always a struggle because for jackets or long-sleeve stuff, I'd put my left arm through. I'm like, oh, yeah, for, like, jackets or tops is always a struggle because, like, for jackets or, like, long sleeve stuff, I put my left arm through and I'm like, oh yeah, this looks good, like, feeling it. And then I put my right arm through and I'll just get stuck. So your forearm from all that,

because you do a lot of, like, it's a lot of wrist stuff and arm, isn't it? Yeah. With badminton. And then, like, the worst, it was like, if it was like a,

you know, these were, like, taut fabrics. Yeah. Like, if I, like, was wearing it, I actually couldn't lift up my right arm because like my shoulder at the back just couldn't move.

Oh my God. How much badminton were you playing? Yeah. A lot. You started from a young age. And I suppose if you're doing it over the years where you grow. Yeah. Yeah.

But you think about it, when you go to the gym, you do even weights, don't you? But if you're only ever training one arm for years and years and years. Well, it's like the old archers. Back in the day, they'd find their skeletons now and they can tell which were the archers because one side of their body was significantly larger. From pulling the... Yeah, from pulling the... Right, okay.

...the board back. Raina, thanks for your call. Some more texts? Somebody else said, I'm 6'4", size 14 feet, 25-inch head, long torso. I can't find any clothes that fit. The whole thing's a nightmare. The whole thing. Somebody else said, I have no butt.

I'm inverse Beyonce. It just looks like my back goes straight into my legs. But then there would be people out there that have too big a butt and they want a small butt. Yeah. There's no winning, is there? The grass is always greener. The grass is always greener.

But then on the other end of things, I have a ridiculously small head. I can never fit adults' hats or sunglasses. I have to try to find trendy kids' stuff to buy. That's me. I can't fit sunglasses. I'm always like, what are you guys freaking about these sunglasses? You have quite a narrow face. Yeah.

And they always look like they're your parents' sunnies. Thanks. You've got dad's sunglasses on. You're in the K and I'm like, dad, it's real bright out here. Dad's like, get the spare sunglasses out of the glove box. Thanks, dad. My eyes are getting real sore. ZM's Fletch, Vaughn and Megan.

The podcast for more. Check out FBMZM on Facebook. ZM.