ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - January 28 2019

Episode Date: January 27, 2019

Vaughan has a massive announcement, 'Mosh Monday and where are you scabbing internet from?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello and welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast, brought to you by Spark. Get a new phone from $99 on a Spark prepaid rollover pack. And now on the podcast. It's on. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Thanks, Anya. Good morning. Welcome to the show. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. I think half the country will probably be asleep still with the long weekend for most of the upper North Island today and the top of the South. I saw two police cars

on the way to work this morning. Why is that? Well, they were on the side of the road. I was like, you guys have picked a hell of a morning to patrol this street. It's empty. Because you never see police on the way to work. But I saw two this morning. Like speeding or something. Well, no, they were

re-dipping the speeders. Oh, really? I was like, why are you guys out at like 4am? Have a sleep in and get onto that later. Exactly.

Silly. Get your tickets later in the piece when everyone's coming home and doing silly manoeuvres to try to get home in the traffic. Get out there

and do the traffic, Megan. I'd be like, okay, and then just have all the wee nuns... Put the gun up. No, yeah, tape the gun up. Yeah, tape your hand up and put the gun up

and just... Another reason I'm fired as a cop. Ha! Flick the siren! Woo! Or if you see someone speeding, yeah, you just give them a fright

and be like... And then go back to slow down. Yeah. But maybe they have to get their ticket, their quota now because later on the traffic will be crawling.

Yeah, but people do dumb stuff in crawling traffic. That's rugby. Maybe you can't get your speeding tickets in. No, not your speeding tickets. That's probably why they do it now. Yeah. I don't know. Can't pay the mortgage with demerit points, can you?

No. Roger that. All right, you lot, listen up. It's story time. Three news headlines for story time. Vaughn and Megan pick one of the following three stories. Headline one, look before you leak. Headline two, Connecticut woman has wild night out.

And headline three, couple caught on camera stealing 300 ink cartridges. Those do get expensive. By the way, do you know how much 300 ink cartridges come to an American dollar? They're like, I don't even know. $30,000? $11,000. Oh. Sorry, I overshot it.

It always, when someone overshoots it. But do you remember? They're more expensive here than a Hyundai for a full brand new big ink cartridge. Because remember we said it would almost be cheaper to buy a new printer. Yeah. Especially mine because mine's like a $95 printer.

But they don't, when they sell you the printer they don't fill the ink cartridge. They're only a third full. Cheeky. They're cheeky buggers. So you have to go back

for more. Is that very cheeky? Well that's been covered. I've forgotten the. Look before you leak. Or Connecticut woman has Wild Night Out. Look Before You Leak. Someone done wheeze on.

That's my pick. You want that one? Yes, please. We go now to Australia. Okay. Australia. Now, a woman from Canberra was holidaying in Brazil. No, that's not how you say it.

I saw the story. Not Canberra. Canberra. Canberra. I saw the story. Not Canberra. Canberra. Canberra. I saw the story. She's holidaying. Yeah, she's holidaying in Brizzy. She had a nasty surprise when she went to the bathroom

and she was bit on the bouton by a carpet python. Now, a few days on from the ordeal, Helen Richards, that's her name, she said she was able to look back on it and laugh now, but she also wanted to warn people to look before you leak. Because wasn't it the night and she didn't turn the light on? I never turn the light on, so I'm like, don't want to wake up. No, your eyes are like... Yeah.

So she decided she'd do some ironing. She was staying at her sister-in-law's house. Yeah. They'd gone out. She thought she was alone, but she wasn't. She waited for the iron to heat up. She ducked into the toilet, didn't turn the light on before sitting down and felt a mysterious sharp tap on

her bottom. That made her jump pretty high, she said the 59-year-old. She looked down, and I'll show you a photo. It's basically the snake coiled up, and you can't see. It looks like a poo. It looks like a perfect poo. Like a poo.

If you'd have been eating Cadbury Top Deck, so there was a mixture of white chocolate and brown chocolate, and somehow through your digestive system it had stayed apart. Yeah, so they ended up calling someone. They got it out. But oh God, Australia, everything's trying to kill you. Even in your toilet, in your house. Yeah, you're not even safe in your own house.

But they're a python, right? So they're more of a strangly than a poison. Yeah, so I don't think a carpet python is going to... So they can bite, but it wouldn't kill you. It's a nap. I mean, I'm not lining up my ass to be bitten by a carpet python, but I'm saying it could have been a lot worse. Yeah.

FEM. I don't know if this is going to make you feel better or worse, but there is a groundbreaking Cambridge University study that has looked into genetics and being skinny or slender. This now says that skinny people should not act as if they're morally superior to those who struggle with their weight because they really do have lucky genes. So they focused on adults with a low BMI and then they found that the effect of their genes on their body mass

was much greater than previously thought. Because they're trying to explain the difference, the considerable difference in variation in weight in populations that share a sedentary lifestyle and a high calorie diet. They're like, well how does the weight fluctuate so much when these people are all

living a fairly similar lifestyle? And yeah, it has revealed that they do have lucky genes. Bastards! Yeah, I know. It makes me feel better, but it also doesn't make me feel better. I know some guys that aren't, you know,

they would have skinny genes and all they want to do is bulk up. But they just can't. And they hate that. And they would probably rather. I just don't think you're really ever satisfied, are you? Although, I'd probably rather. When you get satisfied, is that when you start putting topless mirror selfies on?

Is that what happens? Is that how you know you've reached satisfaction? Maybe. I don't know. Because then aren't you still a bit insecure because you need external gratification? Yeah, but you're only doing in the first place for external gratification, right? True.

Yeah, so I don't know. But, I mean, I wouldn't put that. Like, I don't go to the gym in the morning to catch myself in the mirror and be like, that's nice. I want to hear it from Sharks. I want to hear, ooh, get that over here. Has she said that? Doing it.

No, not really. I was naked the other day and she said it looks a bit like a slug at the moment. Oh, my God. Because it was like weird. Your body or? No, no, no, my penis. Oh, right. Wow.

A slug. Was it a bit slimy? No, it wasn't slimy. It was humidity. Had it stuck to your body? It wasn't slimy. It wasn't stuck to me. Was there a trail? It wasn't big, but it wasn't small. Right.. Had it stuck to your body? It was stuck to me. Was there a trail?

It wasn't big, but it wasn't small. Right, was there a trail down your belly? Yeah, there was a slime trail. It was a slime trail, so I poured some salt on it. I poured some salt on it. I'm so sorry. It went... What is it doing?

It foamed. Yeah, and I thought if I had compared her genitalia to an... An insect, yeah. Well enough. I know they fall into that kingdom, but they're slimier. Yeah, yeah. Or something, you know, slimy. Have you had a coffee yet?

No, I haven't. Yeah, have a coffee. Filter hasn't kept up. Because you've just told the whole country that you've got a sluggy penis. No, well, at that moment I had a sluggy penis. Right, right. Okay. Right. It's better now. It's fixed. No, well, at that moment I had a sluggy penis. Right, right. Okay. Right.

It's better now? It's fixed? No, I don't want to know, actually. The penis, it's still the same penis. There's been no further work done on it. Okay. I don't know. I think I'm done.

I think I've been, I've just got to deal with what I've got. Right, so no selfies in the mirror for you then? Oh, God, no. Oh, not naked ones. Okay, yeah, right. Not naked ones. Not even like topless ones. No, I don't really do selfies like that.

Yeah. Okay, well, the good news is now they've got that information, they're going to target drug treatments to combat obesity. So maybe we will get a pill. Great. Yeah. Any pills for the sluggy penis? Yeah.

Not yet. Really? Viagra is in there. It was just a midway penis. You need an in-between between the slug and the Viagra isn't that It was just a midway It was a midway penis You need an in between Between the slug And the Viagra though You know straight off

You're doing an excessive Amount of exercise There's not enough blood Left to do your penis So it It just is like I'll go without I've heard about gym penis

Yeah EDS Yeah Exercise dick syndrome And it And it just retracts It's like guys I'm good I'm

You're busy Legs Your arms You guys, guys, I'm good. You're busy. Legs, your arms, you guys are all doing it. Oh, deal with me later. I'll just be over here. And it pulls back in. It's not bothered. It's a thing. But then there's the state of arousal where it's all just like,

leave this to me, bod. I'm going to need some blood. Everyone can just pump a bit more my way. I need it. Trust me. I don't know who's the brain. You don't need it at the moment. Give it to me.

I've got this. Like legs and arms. You're going to need a bit because I need a bit of your help. I don't want to get a bad reputation as a starfish, but brain, I'll take it. And then there's that mid ground where it's like, well, you've got some spare. Slug. And it's slugs. And that's your Monday morning anatomy lesson.

I'm glad we've got the breakdown of your day-to-day dick. It's sad news to the people of Niue, and New Zealand has officially sent its condolences. Have we lost a king? A king, yes, of his own... Right, okay. Of his own breed, yes. A king of his own breed. Trevor, the only duck in Niue has died at the teeth of a dog.

Oh, no. Jeez. Wow, okay. It was Trevor, who was a mallard, named after Trevor Mallard, the New Zealand politician. Actually, that's pretty great. So they don't know what the deal is, but at the start of 2018, this duck turned up.

And they were like, we don't have ducks here. It's not a duck climber. Don't they not have any ponds? Just not. It's not. Yeah, no swamplands, no ponds, which, of course, ducks never really salt water. Yeah, no, no swamplands, no ponds, which, of course, ducks never really saltwater. Yeah, no, you're right.

Creatures. So they don't know what happened, but Trevor was believed to have been blown off course flying during a storm. Right. And so 24,000 kilometres from Niue to New Zealand, and they just think it's the only viable option for where the duck could have come from. What else is closer? Nowhere with mallard ducks.

Right. Yeah. Okay. So how long has he been there? Since the start of 2018. So just about a year. What a lonely time for Trevor, though. No other of his kind.

Was he waiting? He was like, they'll turn up soon. Or had Trevor stumbled across like explorers 100 plus years ago. Yeah. Stumbled across a treasure trove of people not like him that he felt immediately drawn to. Yeah. You know? And he gets all the bread.

Yeah. Yeah, he feels special. Yeah. Although I see a lot of seagulls, I'd imagine. Well, it may have been the bread that also drew in the predator, the dog. Oh, that's sad. Trevor was seen dead in a bush after being attacked by dogs. It's terrible. Has Trevor Mallard

been notified? Yeah, they've been notified and New Zealand has sent its deepest sympathy. Trevor Mallard, the Speaker of the House, he sent his deepest sympathy to the people of Niwa from the Parliament of New Zealand. From his Facebook page. Oh, that's lovely. I mean, if it's ducks, they of the house. He sent his sympathy to the people of Niwae from the Parliament of New Zealand. From his Facebook page.

Oh, that's lovely. I mean, if it's ducks they want, we've got heaps. I've said we need to do a cull. There's too many of them. There's too many. See, I tell you what, if they like ugly birds that crap everywhere,

we've got some geese, we've got some swans, we've got some puke echoes. Western Springs and Auckland, just honestly help yourself. No, don't help yourself. Help yourself. Grab a couple of eels out of the pond as well. People used to swim in there back in the day.

I actually had a duck pancake yesterday. How good? Incredible. That was my question. So when you eat like duck pancakes or like Peking duck, is that like a mallard? It's a Peking duck. No, no, a mallard? It's a Peking duck. No, no, no, no.

It's a Peking duck. It's the white ducks. Oh, okay. It's the white ducks. I don't know. They're gamey in these ducks. When we used to go duck shooting, we used to eat the odd one, and it was always a bit like.

But then that could be on my mum. Terrible at cooking duck. Terrible poultry chef. Yeah, terrible poultry chef. I know, they just like cook the shit out of it. Cook the hell out of a chicken. Yeah. I remember the first time I saw a chicken that didn't have a leathery skin.

I was like, what's this? Someone said, it's chicken. I said, is it cooked enough? Because mum would cook it until it looked like a purse. So maybe that's where we were going wrong with the ducks as well. Maybe they make a lovely duck pancake. I'm going to cook more duck this year. Yeah.

I must tell you this place. Hoisin sauce? Yeah, hoisin sauce. Delicious. Like julienne. Julienne. Julienne. Carrots.

Cucumbers. Oh, no, no cucumbers in this one. You can't julienne a cucumber, can you? Oh, yeah. It goes all mushy. Anyway, let's continue that conversation. Culinary conversation of FEM. F goes all mushy. Anyway, let's continue that conversation, culinary conversation of FEM. Love FEM.

ZM. An Australian bakery has done something which is also my major pet peeve. They have taken a stand against my pet peeve. So I'm very happy about this. What is it? They put a sign up, real Passag sign. Please do not get offended if we don't serve you whilst you are talking on your phone. If your phone call cannot wait, your food can.

Thanks. Oh, God. Just shut up and give me the phone. See, I would never take a phone call if I was ordering food or something, but I'd definitely be on my phone all the time. Really? What if you're on a call and then you start, like, you're sliding your little tray down the bakery and then.

No, just wait then. You're being rude. You've got a call and you're like, hey, you're just there. Like, that's fine. No, you're being rude. Nah. That's so rude. No, it's not.

You've got something to do. Yeah, they've said, no, if you're on the phone, we're not going to serve you. Because imagine how many people they get and then they're like, someone talks in the air and they're like, oh yeah, oh sorry, what's that? And you're holding up the line behind you. No, I'd have it moving. That'd be on me as the server.

Also, it's just rude. Just spare a moment to just talk to the person who is serving you. What if it's not important? They can wait, but what if it's quite important? And I don't like it

when people go through the supermarket with headphones on. You can have headphones on through the supermarket, but if you're going to important? And I don't like it when people go through the supermarket with headphones on. You can have headphones on through the supermarket, but if you're going to a checkout with a person, take them out. You've got to like... Take one out. That's so rude. I'm leaning with you.

I just go through the South Supermarket. Drives me crazy. No, the other day they started talking to me too much at the supermarket. Oh, how dare they? I bought Asahi beers. They started talking about Japan. I've never been. I don't know. I just like these ones

because you can... No, it was Tokyo Dry. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're like, you get one can, a big can, for like three bucks. I'm like, that's a great deal. And that's why I get them. But the Swiss is like, oh, Tokyo. Have you been to Tokyo? I was like, nah. Oh, are. And that's why I get them. But the Swiss is like, oh, Tokyo.

Have you been to Tokyo? I was like, no. Oh, are these New Zealand made or are these made in Tokyo? I was like, oh, they're New Zealand made, but it's like the way Japan does it. Oh, yeah. Have you ever been to Japan? I was like, no.

They said, no, you just said you haven't been to Tokyo. You might have been to Hakata. I was like, no. How dare they try and make conversation with you. And then they were like, oh, my friend's Japanese. I'm like, okay. They were trying to spark up a combo. We're grasping at straws. Chuck it in the bag.

I'm out. No, but it's like the Uber. It's like. Yeah, it was very Uber like. I'll give you five stars if we don't have an awkward conversation. It wasn't the person running the till. She was getting on with business. It was the bag packer. five stars if we don't have an awkward conversation it wasn't the person running the till she was getting on with business it was the bag packer i feel like the bag pack is like a little bit

looser like got a bit more spare time they're just putting it in the bag yeah yeah yeah yeah abilities yeah i couldn't believe you go to a supermarket with a backpack i couldn't believe it either yeah i was like what are you doing and you know what they put it in a paper bag because we're getting rid of single-use plastic bags. It did feel like the 80s. Right. I was going to say. I can't imagine what the 80s would have been like.

Or the hysterical notion of Japanese beer in the supermarket. From the ZM Think Tank, this is the top six. The top six things we could do, we could make our roads out of that won't melt with temperatures looking to get into the 30s in many parts of the country this week. What did you say before? 25 degrees already in Banks Peninsula. Just refresh. 26.4.

Holy hell, the mercury is rising. The hottest place in the country right now. What are some other temperature highlights? Well, the low at the moment in Otorua, 14.4 degrees. That's chilly. Yeah, not bad. For this time of year.

Especially the South Island temperatures well into the 30s this week. Really hot. And those roads that have had a hammering by camper vans over summer have been getting a little ticky-tacky already. And the 30-degree heat, it could be all over the AA saying, drive really carefully. Because you might just end up in a sticky puddle of tar. Yeah, a big puddle of tar.

So the top six things we could make our roads out of the wooden mount, number six, Nokia 3310s. Or at least we could do patches in the road with Nokia 3310s. You could leave those on the dashboard on a summer's day. You sure could. Not like the iPhone. What a wimp. Yeah.

I'm too hot. I need a break. I'm too hot. Slot those Nokias in anywhere that they need to patch it up. A little bit of strengthening. Yeah. I'm too hot. I need a break. I'm too hot. You can slot those knock ears in anywhere that they need to patch it up. A little bit of strengthening. Yeah. Get that in there. Tap, tap, tap.

Just a bit of glue to hold it in place. Yep. Done. Away you go. Number five on the list of the top six things we could make our roads out of that won't melt. Bobby Brown Longwear Even Finish Compact Foundation. Where did you Google that?

This natural finish foundation won't leave you looking cakey once the temperatures begin to rise. Really? It's good makeup, Bobby Brown. Yeah. I Googled makeup that won't melt. Okay. Did he do good makeup?

Yeah. Yeah. Or you could have gone to Estee Lauder Double Wear. That was on there too. Was it? That's good stuff. Yes. And what was one of the other ones?

There was some mascaras because obviously that's a big worry. Yeah, it certainly is. If it gets too hot, your mascara's going to melt. Number four on the list of the top six things we could make our roads out of that won't melt are those avocados that aren't ripe yet. You know, the really, really green. But then bad news is one day our roads will just be brown. I got one of those the other day.

Literally within a day, it was all mouldy. It goes. I was like, when did that happen? Did you have it by your nanas? No, no nanas. I always put them on top of the nanas when I get them and they're really green. But you've got to rotate and you've got to watch. Yeah.

It's like toasting a marshmallow. Always be turning. Always. Always be turning. Number three on the list of the top six things we can make our roads out of so that they won't melt. Halloumi. The non-melty cheese. You can fry it and it doesn't melt.

We'd squeak when we drive over it though. Every time I think about halloumi, I think about it rubbing across the top of my mouth and squeaking. It's like those car parks with the squeaky. You just pull out of a car park and it's like, it's like you're in a Jason Statham film. Yeah, like you're doing a car chase in a movie. Do you know, I actually drove around the one downstairs fast

and it gets exponentially better. Like, ah! Ah! And then I braked and it was like, ah! It was like being in a Fast and the Furious movie. Right, okay. It was lots of fun. I was waiting for the rock to jump out and punch me in the face.

Number two on the list of the top six things we could make our roads out of that we're out. Steel. Why hasn't this been done? Oh, because steel's so expensive. Okay, well, calm down. What if we just did two tiny steel roads, right? And then there was purpose-built cars that went on the two tiny, let's call them rails.

Okay. Well, you can only go one way, so why don't we call them rail ways. Right. And then cars, yeah but then everybody would have been limited. Maybe if there was big mass transit things that went on these tiny two steel rail roads. That sounds madness.

That's so smart. Like. Yeah. Why don't we do that? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, okay. Don't know, somebody think about smart. Yeah. Why don't we do that? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, okay. Don't know. Somebody think about it. Yeah. And the number one thing on today's top six things we could make our roads out of that

won't melt, K-bars. K-bars could take a hiding though. What about when it rains? Oh, slitty. Slitty, slidy. But at least it'll taste like lime. You can crawl back up to the road and be like. Oh, bit of raspberry.

Back over. I've got diabetes. The purple one would be gone the fastest because everyone licks the purple. No, the green. The green is the best. Purple's the least. Purple. No one likes a purple K-Bar.

What? Lemon was better than that. Lemon was harder to come by. Producers, favourite K-Bar? Orange. Okay. Oh, yeah, good call. Orange and orange.

No, get out of here. You're on your own. I'd definitely jump on a purple. Yeah. You'd get on a purple, really. No, it's pink fochal. Pink, pink. Raspberry. I'd definitely jump on a purple. Yeah. Nah, it's pink fochal. Pink. It's a red.

No, I'd say it's more pinky. No, it's more red. No. No. No. There's one. There's a pink or a green or no other

option. I would definitely say it's pink. Fletch, now that I've googled it. It a pink. Is it pink or a green or no other option? Yeah, I would definitely say it's pink. Fletch, now that I've Googled it, it's pink. It's closer to maroon than pink. That's straight pink. It's closer to maroon. If you want to pop a pinker in your mouth, that's absolutely fine by us. No judgment. You don't need to say it's maroon or whatever.

Right, okay. You just say, what other colours are there? There's a multi-coloured box there. There's pink, orange, yellow. That's pineapple. Oh, I thought it was lemon. Lime. No, there's a lemon as well.

Oh, what colour's lemon? Well, one's yellow and one's like dark yellow. It's kind of like a, yeah, that's the pineapple one. Like an ochre? Either way though, green or red. The best flavours. Green. Purple.

Is that today's top six? Yes, what were we talking about? Oh, Purple. Is that today's top six? Yes. What were we talking about? Oh, yes. That is today's top six. I've got a little... What? I was just going to say,

do you need any kind of music for your big announcement? Some sort of emotional... What, like... Anything by Michael Bolton? Michael Bolton? What do you mean? Or Kenny G. Like 80s clarinet based romantic.

That's not really big announcement music. I don't know. Were you imagining some sort of grand operetta? Yeah. I mean, I've got some. Presentation. I've just searched Kenny G. Yeah.

I don't really know any of his songs. Did you get matching tattoos? What? Did I just take the wind out of it? No, no. Oh. No, didn't get. It's like, that's cute Romantic

You were right about this Not quite being an announcement This could be an announcement If a different sort of announcement Like if I was If I was coming out Perfect This would be it

Perfect Because I'd want everyone to be relaxed Should we just Should we bookmark this For when I come out For another day Probably should tell your wife Before you tell everybody.

I'll give her a heads up. She should be listening. Hey, Sade, make sure you listen to 10 past 7. This is not your coming out. This isn't my coming out. What is happening?

So, at the end of last year, the Smiths moved. We moved rural. We went to get a bit more space. I'm so uncomfortable right now. Is it the Kenny G music? Maybe it's the Kenny G. He just never misses a beat.

If you've ever played a reed instrument, a woodwind, very hard. Certainly appreciate the talent more, don't you? Yeah, you should. Get a grasp for it. Just blow once into a saxophone or a clarinet and you're like, oh, this is wildly hard. How did Lisa Simpson do it? No wonder she needed that read for that recital in that episode

where Homer let her down. So we moved to the country, a bit more room, a bit more space. It was kind of where I wanted the girls to experience a little bit of what I experienced growing up. So we had a bit more room and Shada and I talked about it. We've been talking about it for a little while. And you've come out. No, I haven't come out.

We thought, you know, we've got the room. So on Friday we went and had it confirmed that we're a specialist. Yep. And had confirmed that we will be adding to the family. What? Correct. What? Are you joking?

Nope. I'm not joking. We're expanding. We're expanding. The new member of the Smith family is a beautiful yellow rod on lawnmower. Bigger space. And I couldn't be happier.

I think you got Caitlin too. I was not falling for that this time. That's why I asked several times. He looked so cheap doing it in his face. But this is. This isn't mucking around. You're so lucky you're far away from me. This isn't the drone.

This isn't the kids. This is a serious. This is like a new child to me. I went through such a wave of emotions. Like, how dare you not tell me beforehand. You should have been in the delivery room when we were deciding what model we wanted. You're such a dick. It was an emotional time. Dare not tell me beforehand. You should have been in the delivery room when we were deciding what model we wanted. Oh, gosh, you're a dick. Such a dick.

It was an emotional time. You should have seen the girls when I said, we've got it. This is your new little brother, sister. And they said, are you serious? I said, yeah. Jump on, have a photo. And she was like, I love it. I love it.

So when am I allowed to come around and have a go on it? Yes, you are. You shan't be engaging blades. We've talked about this. There's a vigorous trading regime to go through before you sit upon the Cub Cadet RZ10-42SW. Oh, that sounds so sexy. No, I'm not.

I believe in Megan. I went down the road of trying to get myself a free ride on Lormar. I went down all the roads. I went down John Deere Avenue. I went down the road of trying to get myself a free ride on Walmart. I went down all the roads. I went down John Deere Avenue. I went down Husqvarna Boulevard. Those roads, they were unfruitful. But this wasn't. No, this is not a hashtag spawn.

Right. This is a hashtag financed. Right. Hashtag credit. Yeah. Hashtag thanks, Gen Visa. Again, that is not an endorsement for that either. That is not hashtag Spawn

But yeah tomorrow They're bringing it around And dropping it off Oh my god Very very excited Maybe I'll come I should come back with you Tomorrow after work

Yeah Just wait for it to come Well maybe come Wednesday Give them time to settle Get their routine Yeah yeah yeah Are you gonna take You need to take like

I'll take a quiche A lasagna Yeah yeah Cause that's the thing We're so short of time Welcome the newborn. New parents will be running off their feet, running around after the little fella.

But again, you won't be engaging Blades. Can I be the godfather this time? Yes. Yes! We didn't have godfathers. I'm not paying for repairs, though. Oh, you've got to chip in. Oh, my God. I can't be. I'm just looking forward to chip in. Oh my god.

I'm just looking forward to blades down. Hang on a sec. Your dad's texting me. He's fizzing. You aren't driving it before me, Fletch. That's what he said. He's coming up this weekend. He's like, don't mow all your lawns.

He's like, don't mow all your lawns. I'm like, why not? He's like, because I want to do some. I want to do some. But he my God. I want to do some. Well, I want to do some too. But he can't engage the blades before me. He's got experience. He'll be able to engage blades. What is wrong with you men?

You're like actually fizzing over this. Yeah. Hey, guess what? What? It's got a trailer. They can do rides. We can do rides? It's got a trailer.

We can do rides? Yes. We can do rides. Megan, if you're not excited, you don't get a ride. I'm okay with that. But when someone's rides megan if you're not excited you don't get it right when someone's in the trailer you're not to engage blades but you're not engaging blades anyway it's not blades down right yeah you can do the rides this is great no engaging blades for you this is great news easily more excited than when i told him i was having children it wants to come around when i was getting married he was like cool when i was having children. No. It wants to come around immediately.

When I was getting married, he was like, cool. When I was having kids, he's like, okay. Get a ride on a lawnmower. He's like, I'll be there. I'm there, I'm there. Producer Caitlin,

you've got somebody for Swipe Me is lined up next. Yeah, sorry. I'm just trying to get over. That's a really cool one. Oh, if you don't want to ride, then don't. James, do you want to come around

and engage Blades? Yes, I would like to. I have engaged Blades before. Have you previously engaged Blades? Have you engaged Blades? A long time ago. Listen to his voice. When I was a young boy.

Of course he's engaged Blades. You don't get to voice that deep by not engaging Blades. Like, actually, that's why his voice is so deep. Because he's done some time on a ride on. He put the Blades blades down his voice went down oh there's hope for you too then imagine if i put it down into like one and all of a sudden i'm like hello ladies oh my god what's happened to me this is how i speak now wonderful outcome god i'm so excited to come around and ride on your lawnmower. All right. There's flesh for a million.

Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. Swipe Mears. Swipe Mears is where we hear of people's less than perfect dates. Sometimes it doesn't even get to the dates. Organised via dating app locations. I just realised we're not even going to hear any more of producer Caitlin's swipe mares. Off the market. Off the market now.

And you couldn't be happier, could you? Ah, just whatever. How many times did you kiss at the weekend? I don't know. We're not going into that. They're in the honeymoon phase. Wait till they get, like, start arguing. Then we'll get those dilemmas.

He was away for the weekend. Oh my God. What did you do? No. He was away for the weekend. Oh, my God. What did you do? No, he was here on Friday night. Stop it. We're not talking about it. Get it, girl. Joining us to take our mind off that.

Shut up. You spent so much time encouraging her. Grim visual. I know, but there's no perfect. There's no way to be perfect. Sarah, hello. Hello. I promise we won't make the bloop noise for you

because we don't know you well enough. Oh, we're both okay, yeah. Great start. Sarah, walk us through your swipe there. So I've matched this guy from America. He was travelling through New Zealand for a few weeks and coming to my hometown for a few days surfing. So I thought, yep,

you can crash your van out, well not crash, park your van out in my house because we're sort of like freedom camping spots. Oh right, I thought this was a euphemism for a second. You can park your van on my left water break. Look, I tried to do surfing

stuff but I couldn't. So first night he crashed on my couch Second night We thought We'll take you out for drinks With like my roommates And my neighbours and stuff Show you around a bit

Okay And come one o'clock In the morning He was quite drunk You could say Right So I thought right Taking this guy home

And it was Like nothing was Definitely going to be happening And jumped into bed about 4 o'clock in the morning I woke up to the sound of Running water And I thought, okay Like got out of bed thinking

Is he peeing In the corner of the room or something Has he spilled a drink, so I shone my phone on the floor Nothing was happening, he was out cold Got back into bed, and then the smell came from nowhere. And absolutely mortified, thinking the worst, I got up. I turned the light on, and he had not only pissed the bed,

he had shat all through the bed. There's the noise. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, mate. You have to be serious. I'm not talking like a little spot. It was like smeared like satay sauce. You have to be so drunk to do that.

Oh, no. This is why Tinder needs a rating system like Uber. Like, you know, you'd be able to give him a one. One star. Shat in bed. So what was the running water you heard initially? Was it the wheeze running off the bed?

I have no idea. I'm still not entirely sure what that was. I'm a bit more mortified about the fact that he had shit all over his ass and everything. He wasn't going to get lucky. What did I do? All up the back of'm on the pillow. Like a baby.

It's like you take a nappy off an explosive. A punami, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Did he wake up? So I woke, I like, I literally said to him, I was like, dude, you need to get in the shower and go sleep in your van. And he was like starting to wake up and was like, what are you talking about?

Come back to bed. He hadn't even realised he'd done it. Oh, no. So I would have gone to sleep in the van unless he'd also defecated in there. In the morning, did he feel bad? Like did he help clean up or anything? Okay, so he was adamant that he wanted to clean it up then and there. Right.

And he drank his day. He got in the shower and I stripped the bed. Thank God I had a mattress to keep me on. Oh. And so when he came back to the bedroom, he came back with a roll

of toilet paper and I thought, what the hell do you think you're going to do with that? Well, just in case he's in bed and there's another accident. That was his idea of how to clean it up.

Oh, no. Sarah. He was like so embarrassed. I felt really sorry for him but he was adamant to clean it up. Oh, no, Sarah. No, no, he was like so embarrassed. I felt really sorry for him, but he was adamant to clean it up. So I lit him a tent, and it was like 4.35 in the morning. My flatmate was getting up for work shortly, so I was like, don't turn the washing machine on. Just leave it in the tub.

We'll sort it out tomorrow. Okay. And I went and slept on the couch, and I was like, go sleep in your van. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And in the morning, my neighbour opened up the door to come over for a coffee

and she found me standing at the washing machine sorting out the laundry issue because he had turned the machine on and not put any detergents in and it had just smeared everywhere. Oh my God. Oh my God. I actually wish we'd just talked to Caitlin

about kissing her boyfriend all Friday because that's a bit less meh. The smell, the smell was like I was smelling shit. I feel like I can smell it now. Sarah, what a swipe me. I think the best one of 2019 so far. He came in half an hour later and faced music. Oh, did he? Good.

I would have just thought of you, you would have just heard the van drive away. Yeah. Most people probably would have, but no, he faced music, came and apologised. Amazing. And? I got over a grand from him to help replace the linen. Oh. Okay, good guy.

Good man. Because he was travelling around couch surfing, that's... Embarrassing, but what a good dude. Would you let a guy turn in your bed for a thousand bucks, Fletch? Like, what's going on? Oh, no. Megan, would you let anyone turn in your bed for... It's expensive to turn it.

I've got some good Sheridans. Yeah, you've got lovely sheets, actually. You wouldn't want to make a mucky mess on your sheets. I'd have to throw them out, probably. I'd have to tell them. Sarah, thank you for sharing your swipe mirror. If you have a swipe mirror as well, listening, you've met someone on a dating app and it's gone bad,

send us a message on our Facebook page, FEMZM, or flick us a text into the studio now, 9696. FEMZM. If you use WhatsApp, Instagram, or Facebook Messenger, according to the New York Times, the company that owns all three, that's right, Facebook owns all of those. So you're like, I'm actually just off Facebook

because Zuckerberg's watching me, but you're on Instagram and WhatsApp. Good's right. Facebook owns all of those. So you're like, I'm actually just off Facebook because Zuckerberg's watching me. But you're on Instagram and WhatsApp. Good for you. They may be unifying the apps. Sort of having a central messaging infrastructure, but they will still be separate apps. But for example, if you've got a friend on WhatsApp who's not on Facebook

Messenger, you'll be able to message them from Messenger onto their WhatsApp. Or Instagram. Or Instagram, yeah, yeah. Okay, that's actually probably quite a good... But you can already... For us here at work, I don't know about personal pages, but if you've got an Instagram account linked to your page on Facebook, you can read the Instagram messages through Facebook.

Yeah, right. Yeah, you can go through there. So it'll be like that, except it'll be the three apps, but they can communicate. So you'd only need one then? Yes. You could get away with, see, I could easily do with not having Facebook, but I definitely still need Messenger, I think.

Yeah. Because I don't think, I hardly ever send texts now. No. It's all just the Messenger, eh? Yeah. Yeah. It's really weird going into your texts and you haven't seen one for a week. Yeah. Yeah, I just hardly messenger A. Yeah. Yeah. It's really weird going into your text and you haven't seen one for a week. Yeah.

Yeah. I just hardly get them. Yeah. It's always easy to find weird if I need to send dad a message because he's about the only person I text message reads at the top. Because your dad just messaged me before about the ride on Walmart and I was like, I've got a text. Weird.

What? And it would have come through green? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yuck. Yuck. I'm thinking of disowning him. Until he gets that all sorted out at least.

So apparently by the end of this year or early 2020, they want to have it all working. Synced up. Can you like, they need to do it so you can send invites to parties because you know like you've got a party or whatever and you invite people and someone's like, I'm not on Facebook. So you have to like go and see them personally. It's the only thing about not having Facebook that I'd kind of miss

because everything's done on the events, isn't it? Yeah. That's the only thing about not having Facebook that I'd kind of miss because everything's done on the events, isn't it? Yeah. That's how they get you. So they need to sync that up so you can get the event on your Instagram or something. Oh, yeah.

And then you don't need dates and WhatsApp and it adds it to your calendar on your phone. They won't make it easy to leave Facebook though. Otherwise, everybody would. Yeah.

Right. Do you have WhatsApp? I've got like two or three WhatsApp streams and it's travelling. I'm like, why don't we take this to Facebook? Put it in a messenger. Yeah. Right. Do you have WhatsApp? I've got like two or three WhatsApp groups. It's good that I'm travelling. I'm like, why don't we take this to Facebook? Put it in a messenger.

And every now and then I'll message all the people in that group, I'll messenger and a couple of replies and then they go back to WhatsApp. I'm like, why are we over here? We're not Brazilians. South Americans love it. They love WhatsApp. But I think because their like mobile plans are so terrible, like for texting. Right. So they get into the. They love WhatsApp. But I think because their mobile plans are so terrible, like for texting.

Right, so they get into the... Oh, yeah. And in Thailand, it's line. Oh, okay. Line. When we were in Thailand, Shadow's dad was like, get online,

and then her cousins and everything, I'll message you online. I was like, I don't have line. They were like, I beg your pardon? You don't have line? I was like, no. So it's like WhatsApp.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And it annoys me that it's called line. Because then you're like, no. So it's like WhatsApp. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And it annoys me that it's called line. Because then you're like, get online. Get on the line. I am online. I'm online.

Well, Blenheim Police caught a man last week, Wednesday. This has just come out in news over the weekend. They caught the man in the car, outside someone's house. Oh, God. Stealing. No, not playing with himself. No. Well, maybe if they got there later.

Stealing somebody's Wi-Fi. They found the man on his laptop parked outside someone's house. And they had an open Wi-Fi network. Oh, well, that's your mistake. It's not 2006 anymore. You can't play fast and hard with your Wi-Fi security. We had that.

Do you remember when we had that at that flat I lived in with Sade? Like, we got the internet plan renewed, and the next day it was miles over, and everyone was like, we just don't know how it's happened. Yeah. And it turned out, yeah, someone in the internet people was like, oh, it's happening in your neighbourhood. People will just go around looking for unsecure networks and then just downloading a whole lot of stuff.

And that's the thing. You don't know what they're downloading either. No. Like, they could be downloading, you know, movies and a whole lot of stuff. And that's the thing, you don't know what they're downloading either. No. Like they should be downloading, you know, movies and stuff. Illegal stuff. Or far worse. Yeah, and you're the one that's, you know, got your name on the bill. So you've got to have a password these days.

But I didn't think people still did this. Had an unsecure network. Well, you're that, but also like internet plans are a lot better now, right? Like if you're in a flat, you've got an unlimited You'd have to. You've got to have an unlimited package. They would have had to cruise the neighbourhood with the laptop open, trying to find a network that was open.

But do people still scam for internet? Is that a thing? Yeah. I'd love to know. I'd love to take some calls. My mother-in-law does. Right. But why does she not have the internet? Well, they're in rural They're on rural, rural? Rural.

They're on rural, rural band. And it's limited and it's really slow. So she just goes down to the public library and parks in the courier park outside. Oh, shit. Like when? Any time of the day. Any time she wants to catch a few more episodes

of something on Netflix and does that thing on the tablet, downloads it to the thing, and then you've got seven days. Or she'll just do it while she's grocery shopping. She'll just park the car outside, get it downloaded

and go and do the shop. Come back and it's all... Does the local library know about this? The local library's only got people outside because of the free internet. There's just backpackers

lying all over the ground on a Sunday because the library's not open but they all over the ground on a Sunday. Because they know there's... Because the library's not open, but they get free internet. Yeah, right. 100% happens. Well, I'd just love to take some calls. Do you scab internet from anywhere?

Maybe you've got some neighbours with a sweet, like, connection, like, ultra-fast, and you're just scabbing their internet. Oh, yeah, because sometimes they'll do fibre down one side of the street but not run the cords. Yeah, yeah. Overall, however they do it. Well, I don't know, Matt. I don't think you'd have a Wi-Fi without a password now these days.

Like, back in the day, yeah, people were a bit fast and loose. Yeah, no, not any. And didn't really know any better. But I don't know. Are you scabbing the internet? Where are you scabbing it from? Give us a text, 9696 0800 dials at M. Give us a call. We want to know who you're scabbing the internet? Where are you scabbing it from? Give us a text, 9696 0800 dials at M. Give us a call. We want to know who you're scabbing the internet

of. April, good morning. Good morning. Who are you scabbing the internet from? My neighbour. Oh, really? How long have you been doing this for? A few months. But my I went to school with

the girl who lives upstairs. Okay. And so I've been to her house a bunch of times before I moved in. So, you know, they gave me the Wi-Fi password when I went to visit. And then when I moved in, I just never stopped using it. Because your phone would have automatically connected. You would have been like, well, have I done anything wrong? The real kicker is they changed their Wi-Fi password

at one point. And I asked like, hey, what happened to the internet? And they were like, oh, we thought you got your own. You actually asked what happened to the internet? I would have gone round and like, I'll come round for a drink and they'd be like, hey, what's the Wi-Fi? Yeah, for some reason my router

doesn't reach up here. It's so weird. Must be the concrete floors. I ended up getting the Wi-Fi password and I offered to reason my router doesn't reach up here. It's so weird. It must be the concrete floors. I ended up getting the Wi-Fi password and I offered to pay for part of it, but they just never came round and said, hey, this is how much it costs. Can you chip in? I was happy to chip in, but they never came back to me. But they did notice that you'd

been using it. I don't think they did. You've got an unlimited plan. You just wouldn't though, would you? Thanks you call, April. James, this was your friend who was scabbing internet from you. What happened? She needed to call an Uber or order an Uber.

So I gave her my hotspot. Okay. And I look back like five minutes later and she's just been on Facebook and Instagram and hadn't even ordered the Uber yet. Oh my God. Yeah, she's got your whole absolute breach of trust, James. I thought because I was going to get in the Uber too. And I'm like, oh, how far away is the Uber?

She's like, oh, I don't know. Do you want me to order it now? And I went, well, I thought we'd already sorted this. Yes, I want you to order it now. In the meantime, she's probably got through 500 megabytes of your allowance. Oh, I'm locking up a storm on Instagram, I'll tell sorted this. Yes, I want you to order it now. In the meantime, she's probably got through 500 megabytes. Oh. Of your allowance. She's lighting up a storm on Instagram, I'll tell you that.

No. Forget splitting that payment. You're taking it all. Thank you. She's like, I like to watch the high-deficient videos from start to end before I give it a like. James, thanks for your call. Rachel, who are you scabbing internet off?

It wasn't me. It was my brother. He was snapped a couple of years ago when he was holidaying up in the Hawks, so he parked outside a house and was using the Wi-Fi. And we could find that the house that he had parked outside of was our family friend's

extended family, and they walked outside to snap him. So were they, how did they know he was out there? I think they had seen that their internet had gone up and they just happened to walk out at the same time that he was out there? I think they had seen that, yeah, their internet had gone up and they just happened to walk out at the same time that he was parked outside with his laptop open. Oh, laptop open.

That's not discreet. No, especially if it's night, hey, you just see the glow coming from the car. Brilliant. Rachel, thanks for your call. Some other text messages in about who you're scabbing the internet off. My friend lives rurally with really bad internet. Whenever he pops over to see us, he downloads about 100 gigabytes of stuff on our fibre.

We don't mind because we've got unlimited and we've all been through the slow internet life and it's my little bit of charity. It's good to know now that you've moved up the ladder. You're not just taking it out from under you. That's you. You moved from ultra- it out from under you. That's you. You moved from ultra-fast broadband to rural rubbish, didn't you? It's unreal. Is it like going back?

Is it like, what is it like? I would put it on par with 2006. Really? When we had 2006 city internet. Okay. Like, you know, before it was like, oh, one of the big things this election is going to be, rural broadband. And we're like, what? Do of the big things this election is going to be rural broadband.

And we're like, what, do farmers need to play with themselves in high definition? But it's not. It's just like nuts. Like sometimes a web page will be like, I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Nah. Do you need me to sponsor you? You can just sponsor a rural family.

And it's nuts. What I can understand is my wife's got unlimited 4G on her phone. Yeah. But you can't tether that to anything. But then to try to get unlimited 4G to your house, you can't. It's super expensive. Yeah, right. Okay.

I don't know. I'm just thinking there's a gap there. Oh, it's well said. I mean, it was so well. Is he okay? I just want to have a nice lawn and be able to watch things in 4K. Okay? Is it too much to ask in 2019?

Go swim in your pool. Okay. You're right on lawnmower. You're right, mate. You're right. I'm seeing the problem. Mosh Monday. Mosh Monday.

It's time now for another Mosh Monday. We hear a song of your choice that reminds you of an emotional time in your life. And we hear today from Maggie. Good morning, Maggie. Good morning. I can't wait to hear this. What year are we going back to here? Oh, okay. I don't know. It was about 10 years ago, so I was about 14 at the this. Now, what year are we going back to here? Oh, okay.

I don't know. It was about 10 years ago, so I was about 14 at the time. Okay. All right. Really throwing it back. Okay. And why was it an emotional time, Maggie? Because basically, 14-year-old me with the love of my life.

It feels like it at the time. But it sounds ridiculous. It so does. So basically, I locked myself in my room for a week straight with this song on repeat, crying after my boyfriend at the time open-mouthed kissed another girl at a party. Open-mouthed kissed? Open-mouthed. Were you at this party as well?

I was on my way. Oh, my God. He couldn't even wait till you got there. I know. And then so what wait till you got there. Oh, I know. And then, so what happened when you got to the party? Were your friends like, oh, my God. So basically, as soon as I got there, he saw me walk in the door, bundled me out so quickly. So we went home, like, straight away.

And then he passed out on the bed as soon as we got home. And it wasn't till the next morning that he woke up and confessed. He confessed. He confessed. Oh. Were you not like, why are we leaving this party, like, straight away? Oh, I was, but he was just so down-conscious. Like, okay, if you want to go, fine, let's go, and yeah.

Wow. And did, was that the end of it? You dumped him or he dumped you? No. So I just locked myself in my room for a week. No contact at all. You know, he was ringing the house and things. I just said, don't, I don't want to talk to him, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not here, Mum! I caved after a week and we were together for six years after that. What? Because I was about to just say, you go girl, like, no man open mouth kisses another woman and gets back in your life. No, no, he did. He crawled his way back in and we were happy

for six years after that. Six years? Why did that end? Did he open mouth kiss someone else? No, I don't know. I guess we just grew up and really, yeah. We're right for each other. We realised that. Okay.

It was a rocky start, but in a rocky finish. All right, well, let's go back to that time when you were locked in the room and tell us, introduce your song for Mosh Monday. I'm Maggie and today's Mosh Monday is Good Charlotte, I Don't Want To Be In Love. Oh, babes. I'm laughing, I shouldn't be laughing. I don't even want to laugh about it, it's fine.

Wow, alright, it's today's Mosh Monday on CDN. She's going out to forget they were together All that time he was taking her for granted She wants to see if there's more Than he gave she's looking for He calls her up, he's tripping on the phone Now he doesn't want her out there in a lone Now he knows she's moving it Now she's using it

Now he's losing it She don't care Everybody Put up your hands Say I don't wanna be in love I don't wanna be in love I don't wanna be in love Feel the beat now If you got nothing left, say I don't wanna be in love

I don't wanna be in love Pick it up now You got a reason to live, say I don't wanna be in love I don't wanna be in love Feel it good now Don't be afraid to get down, say I don't wanna be in love I don't wanna be in love Good Charlotte on CDM It's Maggie's pack for Mosh Monday We've got a Mosh Mondays playlist as well on Spotify

Along with our Friday jazz If you need to cry Along with our Friday flashback playlist And if you've got a song That reminds you of your emotional teenage years and you'd like to be next Monday, it's Moish Monday,

give us a text right now into the studio, 9696, or a message on our Facebook page, FVMZM. Had a heart-stopping moment at the weekend.

I was naked at the time. Okay. Is that pertinent to the story? Yep. Okay. Later in the piece. Great. So I was going to shave my head. We were going to go out for dinner.. So I was going to shave my head.

We were going to go out for dinner. Okay. I was going to shave my head. And I don't know about you. You shave everything. I leave the beard, but I still have to trim around the beard and do the whole head. Yep. I find you can't, no point wearing clothes doing it.

Oh, no. Because you get water dribbled all over you. Doing my undies or a towel. Yeah. Yep. So I was about to have a shower, so I was just like, I'll just do it in the night. Okay. So I'm shaving my head

and Sade's in there getting ready. Yeah. No problems there. Yep. And then I hear... She's seen it before. Yeah, she's seen the slug.

A couple of times. Oh no, not the slug. Just if that was mentioned earlier in the show for people who weren't listening before. That was... Yeah.

It's been described as a slug. Moving on. Previously. Yeah. So I'm shaving my head with a razor. Slow.

I'm trying to do it slower because when I go fast I cut myself. So I'm going slow. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Spend a lot of time when you shave your head. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Getting all the... It would have been like shaving your legs. No way. Legs is hairy as hell. Even as a bald man you have a lot more on the sides than you would on a leg. Yeah.

You know, you're always getting clogged up. At least in winter, we let them, you know, go crazy in winter. Yeah, but the longest, yeah, but even short, so you just can't leave it, get out of control. So shave, tap, tap, tap, tap, and I just hear this blood-curdling scream. And I realise it's August that screamed. Right. Oh, my God.

And I just stop. Shade looks at me and there's like silence. What? What? She screams again and she's like, Indy's fallen off the roof. And you know how it went? Something like that happens.

Immediately my heart dropped and my stomach felt cold and empty. Yeah. And every possibility runs through your head. Immediately I'm like, what roof? Like which roof? How did she like, what roof? Which roof?

How did she get on the roof? Yeah. She's never even shown interest in getting on the roof. I was up on the roof. I said, do you guys want to come up for a look? She was like, nah. And I was like, so what, did I do this? By saying, do you want to have a look?

She thought about it for a while. The curiosity, God, I know there's a ladder outside. See me by the house. She could have moved it. She climbed up on the roof. My God. And he's falling off the roof. I scream again, what?

Again, I'm sure I hear Indy's fallen off the roof. And I say to Sade, off the roof. So I just start running. Naked. Yeah. Okay. Cream, shaving cream on my head. Yeah. Running down the hallway and I turn the corner and August is standing there crying and Indy's standing beside, oh no

and I say, where's Indy? And Indy comes into view and she's like, I'm here. Saying like, I'm here. And I'm like, what's happened? And August says to me, Indy swallowed her tooth. Which sounds like

Indy's fallen off the roof. Indy's swallowed her tooth and Indy's standing there like blood coming down her face because she's like Indy's fallen off the roof. Indy's swallowed her tooth, and Indy's standing there like blood coming down her face because she's like, she's just decided nothing's happening in her mouth, so she's just got her tongue like, and the run of her mouth to stop because she's swallowed her tooth, eating shapes. And she's like, I just thought it was a crunchy piece of shape,

so I swallowed it. But then she's like, business is shut. So the blood's just running down her face. August is screaming, I'm naked. Sade's behind me here half straightened, makeup half on. And I'm like, God, I thought you said that you'd fallen off the roof.

And August says, Dad, you're naked. I can see your doodle. And I'm like, yeah, I thought your sister had fallen off the roof. And then she goes from screaming, crying to laughing. And then Indy's like, cover it up. I'm like, I thought you'd fallen off the roof. Have they seen you naked before? Yeah.

Look, with other kids, I'll be in the bathroom and then the doors just open and they're standing behind me and they're like, hey. I'm like, God, how about some privacy? It's alright, don't worry about it. But now I'm running to the aid of my firstborn who I believe has just fallen metres off the roof. I'm doing this

irreversible damage. And then they're laughing at you. And they're laughing at me because I... It turns to ridicule of your shark again. It was just the fact it wasn't clothed. Oh. Unbelievable. Now what's It was just the fact it wasn't clothed. Oh, unbelievable. Now, what's the deal on the tooth? On the tooth fairy?

Because are you going to have to sieve that out to get the money or just give it? Can you just write a note and stick it under the pillow and be like, hey. The tooth fairy

didn't come that night because of the lack of tooth. That's BS. I said you'll have to sieve it out. I gave her a sieve. I gave her an old sieve. Obviously, we don't want her using the good sieve. Yeah. And I said,'ll have to sieve. Sieve it out. I gave her a sieve. I gave her an old sieve. Obviously, we don't want her using the good sieve.

Yeah. And I said, if you're serious about it, Sade's like, don't make her poo in the sieve. I was like, she wants to get the money from the tooth fairy. She wants $2. The tooth fairy can't be just given money willy-nilly without the exchange of tooth. It's an exchange of goods.

Yeah, it is. It is. But it was one of those panics and it took so long. Even once I know she'd swallowed her tooth and not fallen from the roof. Yeah.

The whole thing took a long time for the nerves to go right back down to where they were. It's good news. Next time when she falls off the roof, I'm not going to panic. While these things happen. We tried our best.

We did what we could. If you missed us at the end of last week or over the weekend, Cadbury's chocolate marshmallow eggs. You would have had one of these. We're all familiar. It's like- We always got the Bajo brand. Oh, they're like them, aren't they?

Yeah. But they're not. Yes. They might actually be better now, the way you're about to tell us. So, like two halves, and it's marshmallow, and there was, like, a coloured bit in the middle, but that didn't really... It was just colour, wasn't it?

It was just the yolk. And it was covered in chocolate. And you could buy them individually in tinfoil, or you could buy them in, like, the six-pack. The hokey-pokey ones in the six-pack. Delicious. Oh, yeah, that hokey-pokey is good. Well, what was previously a whole chocolate marshmallow egg

with flavouring on each side has now been cut down the middle with the treat to be sold as half eggs. It's now a half egg shape. But a six pack will still be six whole twelve halves. A six pack will be just the halves. Look, there's a picture of the six pack. Are you kidding me? One, two, three, four, five, six, and they're just halves.

They're like a Mellow Puff. They look like a shootout Mellow Puff. I didn't know that. Technically, they're the Mellow Puff without a biscuity base. It's a no from me. You won't be going to LA. So is that a way to cut down? Because technically, now they're still doing a six pack.

They're still making the egg, but there's less of it. How much do they cost? Well, I don't know. I can't imagine. Yeah, has the price gone down? I don't know. It needs to be half. And they're also not wrapped in foil anymore,

which has got some people upset. Because, you know, they like the whole unwrap them. No, I'm okay with that. Wait, so no, but they're still sitting in a plastic tray wrapped in plastic. I know, but now they're not double wrapped. Yeah, I'll give you that. With the foil.

I can't. I'll give you that. I feel you. But I'd rather they were just in foil without the plastic thing they sit in. When they were whole, did you split them? And you'd split it so one marshmallow peels away and then you have a double layer of chocolate on top. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, but I don't want you to pre-split it for me. What are you pre-splitting and get the other half away. Yeah. They're out. What, have they explained themselves? They have. They have said that they'll take on a new shape this Easter, but they will still have the same marshmallow fluffiness.

They said, while we would like to have continued making them the same shape, the age of the previous equipment has meant we've invested in more modern equipment, which will ultimately deliver more consistent quality. Cheaper. What a load of faff. You'll remember they were used to be made in Dunedin. This is, listen to how they've thrown Dunedin under the bus.

The new shape was actually developed by our Dunedin team. And a number of members of the team have relocated to Melbourne with their family to continue overseeing production of the products. So they're like, oh, Dunedin did this. Yeah, don't say that. They're like, Dunedin did the bad thing, but we've taken some Dunedin people, so you might forget we shut down the factory in Dunedin.

Sure. So you're eating Australian chocolates, but someone from Dunedin had a hand in it. Unbelievable, though. I mean, I'll still eat them, because I'll either say anything, don't I? Nah, I'm a cream egg guy. Me too. One, though. I mean, I'll still eat them because I'll, I just eat anything, don't I? Now I'm a cream egg guy.

Me too. One, like, cream egg and you're like, oh, God, that was sweet. I couldn't do another. Five minutes later, you're like, I'll do one more cream egg.

And then before you know it, you've eaten, you've done a four pack. Yeah. Or a whole bag. They're in bags now, aren't they? But then I figure, like, you'd eat a four egg omelette

at the weekend. This is just four eggs anyway, right? Yeah. With a bit more cholesterol. Cream eggs bags now, aren't they? But then I figure, like, you'd eat a four-egg omelette at the weekend. This is just four eggs anyway, right? Yeah, with a bit more cholesterol. Cream eggs have the same calories as a chicken egg, right? It's just egg. Oh, 100%. Like, if you're doing MyFitnessPal, you just put in that you had an egg. No need to stipulate exactly what kind of egg.

Exactly. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the day is about Costa Rica. Oh. Can I have some sound on my laptop? Yes, yes. A little bit. Tune, tune. Test.

Testing. National anthem? Correct. This is the national anthem of Costa Rica. T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- Periodic bandanas. Noble Patea. Hermosa's brother, right? I believe so, yeah. Bandera is Antonio Banderas. Is their brother. Two of them. Noble father to Antonio Banderas. That's what they want their fathers to be.

Two Antonio Banderas. I think your Spanish is a little off there. It's a little rusty. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. So today I'm going to tell you about the Costa Rican National Anthem and how it was composed in prison. Okay. The man that composed it in prison was Manuel Maria Gutarez Flores.

He was a orchestral conductor. Okay. And it got to the point where Costa Rica said, we need a national anthem. And the big dog went to Manuel and said, we need a national anthem. And the big dog went to Manuel and said, make me a national anthem. And he's like, you've got my job completely confused. I conduct an orchestra, but I actually have absolutely no compositional skills.

I don't know how to do it. And the president said, chuck him in jail. And they chucked him in jail. And they chucked him in jail and he was like, don't I get bail? And he's like, your bail is set at one national anthem. So, write your national anthem. If it's not done by the morning,

you're going through the system. So on one night, a man with no compositional skills wrote this down on a piece of paper and to this day is the Costa Rica national anthem. Oh, that was quite timely. Yeah, wasn't it? I didn't mean that.

Maybe just chuck a repeat on. Magical. Oh, something else is playing now. I've just turned that off. It's the same thing again. Okay. Here we go. It does have words to it.

They were added sometime later, but that was just by some guy who wrote some words. Okay. Not nearly as good. Yeah. A story as the guy who composed it doing it in prison over one night because he didn't want to go to actual proper jail. Yeah. Did they give him instruments

in jail or just said here? No, just some paper and it had the lines on it. Yeah. Oh, I imagine he drew his own lines. Did they not have any composers in Costa Rica? Well, the president just saw him and was like, you. Can you do it? No, not me.

You know when someone, it's like when you hear accountant and you just assume, hey, I've got a tax question, but there's some accountants that don't deal with that. That's there. Yeah, I know. So I know a guy who works at this massive accounting firm and I was making like tax jokes about. Not like you. I know a guy who works at this massive accounting firm and I was making like tax jokes about... Not like you.

I know. I try to make jokes and... Are they some of your best jokes? Are they some of your best jokes? Yeah, like if I hang out with a vet, I'll make some vet jokes. What's a vet joke? What vet joke do you have? About fistulas in the sight of cows and stuff.

Oh, you're right. Those are pretty cool. Have you seen those? They're windows on the sight of cows. And they unscrew them and they can put their hand in the cow's stomach and take like samples of. You know, like a boat? More like a porthole. They have the little portholes and you open it up, you're like, good morning.

But you can imagine like, you know, when you jump into your car on a cold morning and your breath fogs it up. It gets fogged all the time so they have to undo the fistula, give it a wipe with some handi-tels. That is disgusting. It's scientific. Fistula. They're scientific. Oh, you and Peter won-tels. That is disgusting. It's scientific. They're scientific. Oh, you and Peter won't like it. Oh, absolutely not.

Absolutely not. That's it. That's not Google. I've never known that. It's terrible. They have accounts with Windows. The joke with the accountant was all about how that'll be a business expense and righty-righty-rah and a bit of tax.

And then later on he tells me that he doesn't deal with any of that. I was like, what about my jokes before? He's like, I just laughed. Pretty laugh. I was like, how many people do that? Everyone. Don't tell me the vet didn't think the fistula stuff was funny. Oh, that was a real ball breaker.

But then, like, that's the thing. They came to the guy who swings sticks when the music's playing, because they assume he can do it, and he's like, you've got the wrong guy. I'm in the music industry, but that's not my area. So today's fact of the day is the Costa Rican national anthem was written in one night in jail. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. I'm going to tell you a few things about your body

and you have to do a little checklist right now whether this is you or not because chiropractors are giving the country a telling off. We're getting injuries that are related to selfies and holding your phone. Okay. So do you have a wrist or finger problem? Do you have a crushed nerve injury?

This is where your hand, the nerves to your hand are compressed around the wrist and forearm as your hand is always like turned in holding your phone. So nerves are getting pinched. I haven't had that one. No. Because remember last year I pinched a nerve in my neck. In your neck. Yeah.

And that made my whole arm really sore, like stabbing pain sore. And it's because your head's always down and as you get like, and the physio was saying, it's normally something that older people would get, but because a lot of young people, like everyone's starting to use their

phones at a younger age and we're looking down so much, it's putting pressure on the neck. Yeah, so they've seen there is an increased number of patients with neck and upper back dysfunction. So it's because the head is almost at a 90 degree angle when people are using their phone. So you're like looking right down. But then you don't want to hold it up like a baby boomer, do you? But that's what they say is better for your neck.

I know, but yeah. So they're seeing people with what they call anterior head carriage, that's when the head is positioned in front of the spine instead of ideally balancing on top and the average head weighs four to five kgs. So you're hanging that in front of your spine and you're

getting a... His human head weighs eight pounds! Isn't that that kid off Jeremy Goyle? And you get a dowager's hump, which is the upper back is locked in like a curve forward. Oh, you're right. So what do you mean to do? Just kind of push? Well, they have put a little checklist of a couple of things you can do.

Hold the device straight out from your face. Like a boomer. Like a boomer. Yeah, like a boomer. And instead of dropping the head to look at it, take a break every 15 minutes or don't use the device for more than 30 minutes at a time. That's enough from your phone right now.

I'll just take a wee break. It's going to look after my neck. And show the world around me. Yeah, and if you do use it for 30 minutes, you need equal rest time of 30 minutes. So you have to set like a timer, make sure you've had enough rest. I don't think anyone's going to be doing that.

But also, I don't want to hunch rest. I don't think anyone's going to be doing that. But also, I don't want to hunch back. I don't want to be a dowager's husband. What's it going to be like when we're all in rest times and we've all been on our phones for like 50 years? Everyone's going to be deaf from headphones. Everyone's going to be hunched back from phones. Wrists are going to be gone. We can actually rest times now.

And we'll all be fat because we didn't do anything. There's good news and bad news. So the unruly travellers, not in New Zealand anymore. All gone home. That's the good news. Okay. The bad news is they have something to say about New Zealand to the UK media.

So I got a message yesterday from a friend of the show, Chelly Scott Crew in Los Angeles. He's at Times Bay now, a Hollywood reporter. He has, yeah. And commented on news stories from Hollywood. He had stumbled across an article and was just like, what the hell is happening? He had so many questions.

He was like, this is the story that keeps giving. Isn't it? And it's giving some more even though they have left. So when they touched down at Heathrow, they were greeted by the Daily Mail. Wait, it got picked up back home.

Oh yeah, it got worldwide. People like, yeah, in America, everywhere. So they said, about New Zealand,

they said they had done nothing wrong. Well, that's a lie. And I wrote a lie because they went to court. Some of them went to court. And were found guilty court and were found guilty

and were found guilty and there was video footage of the littering and such yeah there's more it's been the holiday from hell it's lies they've condemned us

we've been hiding in the mountain for two days we wanted to see the hobbits lord of the rings didn't get to see that there's a direct quote

because I remember them saying we had a court appearance the day you had that planned. One day they said we're going to Hobbiton, but then they ended up in Levin. Yeah, right. So I think they just did a runner. Or Hobbiton were just like, you're not coming in here. Or they just got lost. So they said

we're going to the citizens advice people and the human rights people. And we're just getting blamed for all different travellers' problems. God. Yeah. We were the last and this is when you know the event that kicked it all off when the littering on Takuna Beach

they said we were the last ones off the beach but I don't know why they had it in for us. That rubbish was not ours. When they walked away and left the only gap because it was a busy day and it was all their rubbish and the people said, the people didn't start filming because, yeah, they weren't sat by the rubbish.

Yeah. And that's when they had a problem with Phil Goff calling them worse than pigs. Are they trying to sue Phil Goff now, apparently? Yeah. That's what they've said, they want to sue him. Yeah. But then he doubled down. He doubled down and said, yeah, they were worse than pigs.

But then he'd be fine, wouldn't he? Because they couldn't do him for defamation, could they? Because it's a news story, isn't it? They're out there. And when you sue for defamation, don't you have to prove that what the person's saying is not true? Yeah. That'd be hard.

Yeah. Because they are. Yeah. Well, they hard. Yeah. Because they are. Yeah. Well, they're not here anymore. There they go. What are we going to do now? We've got to have something to concentrate on as a nation. Maybe we'll...

Lime scooters. We'll go back to about how hot it is. How hot it is. Lime scooter accidents. We can always go back to another lime scooter whinge later in the piece. And the price of food. Yeah. The price of something. And the price of food. Yeah. The price of something.

And who's buying houses? Yeah. Who's buying these houses? Go back to the housing. Yeah. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. For more, check out FVM ZDM on Facebook.

ZDM.