ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - June 06 2018

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

Fletch and Vaughan have been sent a guide on how to look after Megan's dog, Community Notices and do you do something to make you seem smarter?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast, thanks to Sparks. Shoot incredible videos in super slow-mo with the Samsung Galaxy S9. 10 out of 10. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Hello, good morning, welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Well, that saves a couple of months at the gym, eh? Just make clothing size smaller. It's to make it in line with other clothing retailers, though.

Because you know how some places you go and it's like they completely don't match up? So you have to go up like a size? I think that was H&M. Right. Upper size? Yeah. You'd have to go. Because women have like 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 onwards.

Men have small, medium, large, extra large. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Well, we have that too sometimes. Do you have uneven numbers? Small is like an 11. No, that's a good call, though.

Medium's 10, large 12. Oh, right. So they do correspond. Yeah, they do, yeah. Okay. Okay. I didn't know. I just thought we were really lucky because we only had like three or four.

You guys had like all these numbers and stuff. No, because then you get like 2XL, 3XL. So it just goes up and up for guys too, right? Right. Yes, I suppose so. Yeah. Hmm. How ignorant of me to not think outside.

Well, you don't really do a lot of shopping, do you? Nope. Nope. Nope. No. Nope. And I could never buy a medium, even if I was a medium. Why? Because I like being a large. I was going to say that.

Because girls would rather be a medium than a large. But guys would rather be a large than a medium. No, I'd rather be a medium than a large. Oh, really? be a large than a medium. No, I'd rather be a medium than a large. Oh, really? Yeah. Because Toyboy just like went up and he's like,

I have to buy, I had to buy a large shirt. And I was like, because it didn't like, God, they go through school uniforms quick, hey? And he was quite excited about it. I was like,

oh, okay, that's weird. Yeah, I know. I think guys would, would you rather be a medium? I'm a size queen. Not around your pox, like around your arms or whatever you'd rather be. I'm guys would... Would you rather be a medium? I'm a size queen. Not around your pucks. I'm a medium. Like around your arms or whatever you'd rather be.

I'm a medium. But sometimes, yeah, you might have to get a large shirt just because of the old shoulders. The gun show. The gun show. And then you're like, oh, I am. Oh, large. But yeah, no, I'm just medium, so I don't know. But yeah, if I was a...

Or an XL. I went into a store once and they didn't have like... They had real skinny people's clothes. And I was just like, hmm, I see. I see what a store once and they didn't have like they had real skinny people's clothes and I was just like, hmm, I see. I see what's happening here. Aww. What store was this? What store? Name and shame. Oh no, I'm not going to do that. What store was it? Was it Top Man?

No, no, it was like some hipster-ass store and they didn't really have a lot of clothes in there anyway. Right. But I was just like, I see. This is a skinny people's only store. Save Matt. No. Your skins, you're medium. They're sample size.

You're skin. You ought to be small. No, but it was like real like hipster skinny stuff. Oh, God. Don't worry about that. Yeah, nah. Don't worry about hipsters. All right, you lot.

Listen up. It's story time. Three news headlines for three stories that I've found online. That's how story time works. WarnerMeghan picked one of the headlines. Headline one, symmetry rearranges the furniture.

Headline two, selfie shocks Italians. And headline three, shock for BFFs. There's two shocks there. Yes. Shocks for the Italians and for the BFFs. There's two shocks there. Yes. Shocks for the Italians and for the BFFs. I know, a lot of shocks in the news. All the shocks.

What was the first one? Cemetery rearranges the furniture. It sounds like the switcheroo of the old headstones. Maybe. I was thinking maybe. Maybe not cemetery, but like you could just pop a park bench somewhere that you wanted to sit, but there was no seats, eh? Publicly?

Yep. Like, I don't think there'd be too many questions. Why do you want to insert a park bench somewhere? Well, there's somewhere I like, but there's nowhere to sit. Right. Well, you can sit kind of with your legs dangling over some concrete, but then like concrete's wet. Is it public land?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, just do it. But you know what you need to do? You can put a bit of park bench, chuck a bit of quick dry cement. You've got to bolt it down, though. I was going to set it in the cement. Oh, set it in the cement. Oh, so you'd lay cement.

Odd. It's very odd, Vaughan, that you do this. I'd just take a wheelbarrow. Right. Well, maybe even, like. There's nothing to stop me from using salt water to make cement, right? Because you know when you make cement you pour the cement in and then you

pour water in the hole and you mix it up. Why don't you take a deck chair? Yeah, but if I'm going to do that every time I might as well just take my own chair. You need to do like, you need to get a park for it if you do your own park bench. I 100% dedicate it to myself. Well, I was going to say to someone that's passed away.

Because no one's going to rip up a park bench that you've installed. Yeah. But still, we have to do that. In memorial of Vaughan Smith, 1982, to dash, leave blank. And then when I die, I'll send Mr. Minutes' mobile engraving unit down to put the date in. It'll be my last will and testament. Also, giving up yourself. Did the woman

lose her mum's gravestone? They're saying that they moved it. They moved her gravestone. Have you been googling? No. That was why she was quiet during the whole memorial bench thing. Stop googling! Because I want the friends shock one. Okay, we're going to do that one.

Are we going to do that one? But I needed to know what happened to the gravestone. Done. Okay. We go to the UK. Cara Peterson, 52. Now, she has spent years trying to find out who her real father is. Okay.

Or was, because her mother, who was married six times, was hospitalized when she was young with a mental disorder. So there's no real family tree and knowledge there or memories. Okay. Okay. So she's got no idea. Yes. Years later, though, fast forward,

and her BFF She has discovered that her childhood best friend Karen Is actually her sister A half sister Wow From the same dad Who she didn't know

But Karen didn't know either Yeah so it was discovered that her birth certificate Was actually wrong A DNA test has revealed that they're BFFs. Not more than BFFs. Sisters. Sisters.

Are they still friends? Yeah, still friends to this day. Yeah. Wow. How did this happen? Oh, no, because the dad was out of, her dad was out of the picture, right? And the dad was the one that she had,

and her mom, you said she had mental health issues. And I'm guessing they lived in the same area. Yeah, yeah. So dad was in the same area. Lucky they didn't hook up. I know, well, sometimes these stories go. Oh, during your experimental teenage years. Well, they go that way, don't they?

Well, you're like, you're my friend. You're my best friend. Actually, I really love you. I'm confused. My emotions. I don't know what's happening here. Wow. Yeah.

Wasn't that a storyline on Shortland Street at some stage? Yeah. Probably. Donna and Rangi. Years ago. Oh, yeah. That's right. They were romantically involved in them plot twists.

Brother and sister. You must have been. You must pass the writers off, eh, for them to do that. Yeah. Do you know what? New Zealand less outraged at the incest storyline than the first lesbian storyline. True. And yep, that's worrying. That's very

worrying. Slightly concerning. And police are looking for two motorcyclists. I would check wrapped around a tree or at the bottom of a ditch because they were clocked at going 247 kilometres an hour south of the Rimutaka range

in the lower North Island. Just out of, I guess it falls into Upper Hutt. Jurisdiction. Just trying to think. There aren't many places that are overly straight for a long time. No, I saw the, they did stock footage of the area on the news last night when they were talking about it, and it was curvy air. It was like, ah! Yeah.

Terrifying. It's madness. God, I've been 70 kilometres an hour on a scooter, guys. It's pretty bloody terrifying. Very terrifying. So these Japanese sports bikes were honking when the police clocked them, and then the police said when they, you know, kind of gave chase,

a bit how do you even begin to, they accelerated away at speeds thought to be in excess of 300 kilometres an hour, but they couldn't clock them. So at 247k an hour, that's what they were when they were clocked. So that's the speed they can guarantee.

So that came up on the police radar in the car. Wow. That's more than my speedo in my car. Like, it doesn't go that high. No. Mine's 180. Mine's like 200. And there's a big red part at the end.

Yeah, yeah. Which we never find out. Do you want to know that? You don't want to know what happens. You don't want to push me in here. They were going 70 metres a second. So every second. Oh, wow.

Boom. And two fell off. Oh, you'd just be toast. Even if you decided to stop if someone braked in front of you. No, you wouldn't. By the time you actually pressed the brake, you already would have travelled a couple of hundred metres. And if you just locked the brake up, you just wouldn't at that speed.

No. I just don't even believe disc brakes or anything could stop you. How do you even keep it steady at 300km? I get the speed wobbles. I've gone too fast on a scooter now. Granted, a scooter's not made for 300km an hour. Are these like international spies? Like, is this some kind of James Bond chase?

Well, they're not keeping a very low profile. Well, Bond always makes a big mess at one stage. Well, yeah, he does. He doesn't keep a super low profile for a long time. But then he just disappears. He never gets arrested by the local police for going 300 kilometres on a motorbike. Excuse me, Mr Bond. What are you doing going so fast in the rubber tuckers?

Slow right, down, please. God, you bloody call yourself. Call yourself. Call yourself, you crazy bugger. Do you think that's why they haven't filmed a Bond movie yet? Yeah. If you want to drive like that, go up the desert road. I mean, don't.

Don't drive that fast anywhere. But, like, pick a straight, you know. The Top Six with Vaughan Smith. This week on Thursday, I'm not sure if this is Thursday. It'll be... Oh, 6 p.m. GMT on Thursday the 7th. So probably our Friday. Greenwich Man Time, Friday, 6 o'clock in the morning for us, thereabouts, right?

Okay, yeah. So probably our Friday. Greenwich Meantime, Friday, 6 o'clock in the morning for us, thereabouts, right? Okay, yeah. There's been a discovery on Mars. The Curiosity has run over a cat and it's killed a cat on Mars. But there is other life on Mars. Apparently. And there'll be an announcement about it. There's an announcement regarding life on Mars.

Was that a Curiosity killed the cat joke? Sure was. That's real good. My mum used to say that to me. Thanks. Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought it back. Did you know that that's the full saying?

No. Yeah. We only use the first half. I think most people do. The second bit's silly, isn't it? It's good to be curious. Yeah, and then you're satisfied when your curiosity is... Curiosity's been killed, I guess. Yeah, right.

Okay. Because, I don't know. Are you always satisfied, though? Never satisfied. You kiss a dude when you're at uni and it wasn't what you expected, but at least you can say you've done it. Top six things that life on Mars wants NASA to tell us about themselves. I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm assuming this is an announcement that there is life on Mars. Right. So the top six things. That life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us. Number six. It takes way longer than 30 seconds to get to Mars unless you're already on Mars. Oh, come on. You got the curiosity to kill the cat.

You didn't get the 30 seconds to Mars reference. I got it. 30 seconds to Mars. Come on. I got the curiosity to kill the cat. You didn't get the 30 seconds to Mars reference? I got it. 30 seconds to Mars. Come on. I got it. I was rolling my eyes. You just couldn't hear that. Number five on the list of the top six things life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us.

They're doing influencer work now. You can check out their bio. I get that one. It says influencer. They like travel and beauty free bio. I get that one. It says influencer. They like travel and beauty-free stuff. I meant influencing. They just want to influence and promote anything. It has to be a product that actually speaks to them.

Right, okay. Number four on the list of the top six things Life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us. They're just doing a four-week detox starting Monday. No coffee, no booze. So just don't invite them to things, okay? Okay. That's probably where they're going to find it the hardest to say no. doing a four-week detox starting Monday. No coffee, no booze. So just don't invite them to things, okay? Okay.

That's probably where they're going to find it the hardest to say no. Number three on the list of the top six things Life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us. Oh my God, they're engaged. And they'll be running weekly updates on every conceivable social media outlet they have counting down to the wedding and other announcements, including LinkedIn. I know it's not really a professional thing, but I just think it's important

everybody knows. Okay. Number two on the list of the top six things Life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us. We've all just started the 22 day Beyonce vegan diet. Right. Hungry AF, send bacon. I don't know if they've got pigs

on Mars, so they might not even know what bacon is. Yeah, they probably don't. Imagine that. We discover intelligent life elsewhere in the universe. And they don't have bacon. What's that you're eating? We're like, this? It's bacon.

They're like, smells pretty good. Give us a little taste. Ooh, that's good. And then they take all the pigs and bake it in the world. Yeah, they destroy us. And decimate our planet just for all the pigs. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That could be awkward. And the number one on today's top six of top six things Life on Mars wants NASA to pass on to us in their press conference happening tomorrow at 6 a.m. They're doing F45 now and they're seeing great results. They're loving it. Yeah. They're loving it. They're always very45 now and they're seeing great results. They're loving it. They're loving it. They're always very sweaty.

Yeah. But again, if you follow their social media, you'll be able to see that. Also what they're influencing this week and the fact that they're engaged. That's today's top six. It's the time of year where you're getting like flus and colds and coughs and whatnot.

And I have often wondered this, when you're feeling not very well and you're like guilty in bed, you're like, should I go to the gym or should I use this as a good excuse? Oh, if you're bed ridden, if you're like in bed and struggling to get out of bed, I wouldn't.

So you're saying if you're like bed ridden, you're like, no. Yeah, if you've got the flu, no. But if your body's achy and you're all just like, ugh, it's just a little bit achy. But achy's bad. I don't know, sometimes I just get it, but sometimes

I just think it's my brain being like, no, remember your achy. Because it doesn't want to do anything. One of you's right. So, apparently there is a general rule to this, but if you are not feeling very well, you shouldn't go to do anything. One of you's right. So apparently, there is a general rule to this, but if you are not feeling very well, you shouldn't go to the gym

because when you do physical activity, it's putting stress through your body, which helps your body adapt and that's how you get fitter and stronger. But if you put stress on your body when you're not feeling well, it's more than it can handle. But they're saying there is a rule.

So a general rule on whether to exercise if you're feeling sick is if you're sick above the neck, so neck and above, you can do some exercise. Neck and below, so if you've got like fatigue, fever, diarrhea, vomiting, sore body, then you shouldn't. Oh no, always exercise when you've got diarrhea.

It's the excitement. It's the Russian rule. It's everybody's Russian rule. It's how will this treatment end? You're on the row machine and every time you pull back, you're like, not this time. No. Oh, half a bit that time. That is grim.

Nah, I wouldn't go if I had diarrhea because that's quite contagious and stuff. But if you are feeling like if you've got the flu, a little bit of a walk, a stretch some light yoga some gardening something that's like

going to get you outside and moving but not too hectic I know I like when you've got a cold I know it's bad but I always wipe down the machines

I'm very thorough with my machine oh yeah okay is that you go and you have a little bit of a like it clears you out

no but you're still sneezing into the air con oh no I always so when I go if I you have a little bit of a, like, it clears you out. No, but you're still sneezing into the air con. Oh, no, I always, so when I go, if I've got a little bit of a cold, I take a towel for sweat and a towel for blowing my nose into. It's pretty grim. That towel needs a hot wash. Yeah, I bet it does. But I've always sort of, it's a good way. In the gym, you're not exposed to the elements

because once I had a cold and I was like, I'm going to blow this out. I'll go for a run. And I went for a run and then it rained and I got really cold and then I got really sick. But if you're protected from like the elements and stuff and if it's kind of controlled. Who are you? No, this was years ago. Remember when I thought I had swine flu? You're such a hypochondriac. No, but the doctors, because everybody was just shit. They had swine flu. Was it 2009? Everybody was, it was swine flu this, swine flu that. It was inescapable.

And I went to the doctor. I got a possible case number. And I had to, like, come back in a couple of days. And he's like, oh, no, it's just the standard, like, quite bad cold situation. It's not swine flu. And I was like, phew. But for a few days, I was on the swine flu suspects list. Because you went there and you're like, I am

dying. I think I'm up and dying. It's a bit like that botulism thing at the moment. They were just going to have to put you down. That's okay. Yeah, send you to the meat works. Yeah, yeah. Microplasma bovis. Yeah, whatever. That's the thing. Not botulism. Well, I don't know what it was. I can't remember what it's called. Too varied.

I just know there's heaps of cows. But it doesn't affect my meat or my milk, so you can still eat me and drink me. Good. No. I'll stop there. Fletchbourne and Megan's Community Notices. Good morning.

Hello. Kia ora. Talofa. Welcome to Community Notices, a segment of the show where we see what's happening around New Zealand by reading out screencaps from community notice pages on Facebook. And other things. We take Neighbourly's, that app there, if you see something good on there, screencap it

and send it in as well, to our Facebook page, FBMZM. Let's start with a hibiscus coast page. Oh, it's a classic. It's always a good time up at the HBC. Yeah. Robert writes, Saturday midday, heading out of Auckland for the long weekend,

just south of Silverdale, there was a major stop in traffic. There was a cow just off the verge scuffing its hooves at the traffic cops. I said to the kids, look, a cow on the side of the road. Just then a cop walks out behind one of the cars with a rifle and shoots it straight in the head.

No warning for all the traffic looking at it from 20 metres away to turn the other way. He just walked up to it and shot it in the head again. Not something you expect to see in Auckland, no matter where traffic. The kids were very upset. Anybody else witness this craziness? This was reported in the news.

Oh, yeah, it was. I couldn't handle that. I remember seeing him. It was a harsh reality, but this cow was very, very sick. Yeah. When I was growing up. It was a very, very sick cow, and my dad put it out of its misery, and I remember seeing it and just being like,

Ah! But, like, that cow could have been just put to sleep or something, right? Yeah, tranked. But then at the same time, like if they'd waited and it had run on the road and crashed a car and hurt somebody, then it would have been like, why didn't you take it out and shoot it in the first place? Like it's a little bit of a lose-lose.

And they might not have had a blanket or something to cover it, to cover, you know, they could have gone behind a tarp or something or a gazebo. To what? Shoot the cow. Well, they can't erect could have gone behind a tarp or something or a gazebo. To what? Shoot the cow? Well, they kind of wrecked a gazebo around a cow. That's obviously agitated because it was scuffing at the like it was about to go them.

They just had to do what had to be done. But yeah, apparently quite a few witnesses and it was in the paper. Oh no. Okay. Well, that's where your mints come from. I was going to say, oh, well, we better stop at Macca's and get a hamburger. Oh my God. Next up, this is from the Marlborough. Cool cat chat. I don't even know how to say this name.

Eunice? Eunice. Eunice? E-U-I-S. E-U-I-S. E-U-I-S. Eunice? Eunice.

No, because there's no N. Eunice. E-U-I-S. Odd. Okay. Different. I don't know how to say it. That's odd.

That's weird. That's different. It's not one of the ones I'm used to. This is on the Marlborough Cool Cat chat. Eunice, Eunice, whatever, says, Hello there. Could you please let me know how long normally the girls and ladies take a shower in the bathroom in New Zealand?

Is it 5, 10, 15, or more minutes than that? Thank you in advance. Oh, somebody's got a flatmate using the shower too long. U.S. is how you say it. U.S.? Yeah, apparently. What's the origins of that name? Welch?

Oh, okay. Are you guessing? It is 100% a guess, but the other names in this post look very Welsh-y. You know, they're not afraid to use some random letters in some crazy places. Yeah, they love a letter. They love a letter there in Wales. They love long letters. Huge fan of A's next to each other.

Lots of E's and I's, and you're like, someone bought all the vowels. 55 comments on that post. And why I can't see them, because this is just a screen cap. A lot of people apparently were questioning why this was being questioned. Oh, that's definitely a flatmate that's hogging the shower. Yeah, someone just moved here. Yeah. This is from the Glenfield community page.

Callie-Anne wants her cat back. She says, if the people of, insert address here, very specific address, street and number, are on this page, we would appreciate it very much if you let our cat come home. Yes, we have a battery-powered GPS on his collar for a reason. So, yeah, let our cat go. And look, here's a picture of the cat. And you can see on the cat's collar is one of those little watch battery powered GPS devices.

Also, that's not a cat you'd steal, though, is it? What do you mean? I mean, it's kind of cute. God, you're a cat snob. I just showed Fletch a beautiful rescue kitten, and he was like, ugh. It looks poor. No, I just don't like ginger cats. I'm not a ginger.

You could just get a ginger cat. You're so gingerous. And catish.'re so gingerous. And cattish. Ginger cats are cute. I think your cat is a real PRICK. Yeah, your cat's a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit, but he's cute. He's cute, but he's a monster.

Your cat's like a pedigree. Your cat is like the kid that goes to the upper class private school and then one day drink drives its car and crashes it into a bus. I just walk past and you're like I don't know what went wrong he's such a lovely boy he's a sweet child.

That is exactly you. He's a sweet boy he's a sweet child. I don't know what went wrong. I got up and went to the toilet last night I just felt the scratch on my leg it just swiped me as I walked past.

He hates me. See my dog's got googly eyes but he would like try and lick the life back into you if you died. Oh, my cat. Karen, I know that. He'd get a squirt with the watermelon. My cat would try and eat me if I died in my apartment. Your cat would 100% eat your face.

Speaking of pets, it's to the Whitby community page we go. Kim's got a problem. She said, isn't Browns Bay Park a place for children to play? I thought so. Not a dog toilet. As I drove past at 8 a.m. She said, isn't Browns Bay Park a place for children to play? I thought so! Not a dog toilet! As I drove past at 8am this morning, there's a woman deliberately letting her two dogs take a shit there. It doesn't matter if you

immediately picked it up. You can't get it all. Take your dogs elsewhere to the toilet. Mad to say, because I thought this was shit witness. Someone just letting their dogs take a crap and then walking away. They immediately stopped and picked it up. They immediately stopped and picked it up. Where are you supposed to take your dog?

And that's, I mean, this woman is then set upon in the comments. I bet she is, yeah. Absolutely set upon in the comments section. But don't let your kid lie face down and eat the grass. But then also, like, that's just grass on a whole, isn't it? It's got, like, poos from different creatures in it too, like worms and ants and stuff. Finally, from the Cambridge New Zealand Community Information Sharing Group,

which is very wordy, I think. Knock it down to at least an acronym. Demler's got an issue. Apparently somebody posted on there that they'd do a tarot card reading. Okay. This is when the post begins. Re-carotard tarot card readings. Okay. This is when the post begins. Re-carotard, tarot card readings,

carotard readings, which is a completely different thing and I apologize to any caros listening. Carotard, no, tarot card readings and horoscopes. I'd just like to say if you want to worship demons

and allow them to be part of your life by having cards read and doing horoscopes, keep it to yourself. This is a form of black magic practice and devil worshipping. It's your choice, but I prefer not to see it riddled throughout my community. Just like you have your opinion, I have mine too. God bless.

That you're thrusting upon me. God bless. Just shove that little opinion into you. Those are today's community notices. If you see anything on your local Facebook page or neighbourly or whatever, screen cap it and send it to ours with FEMZM on Facebook.

FEMZM. Let's talk about guys on dating sites, on dating apps, just dating digitally. Okay. So there is apparently five mistakes that guys are making. These are good ones.

Can I ask producer Caitlin, what do you think the biggest mistake guys make on dating apps is? Putting pictures of... Okay, there's three. Okay. This includes like in the chat as well, not like bio related. Oh, okay, well there's too many. I can't go through them.

When you just like on photos, don't put pictures of you in the car or just the car. Don't put pictures of you killing animals or with dead animals and don't put pictures of you with other hot girls. Yeah, those are the three like definites. No, but I thought that pictures of hot girls worked. No. I'm like, who is that, your sister, your ex?

No. No, because then you're just like, if that's your ex, then is that the type of girl you're into? She doesn't look like me. Yeah. Yeah. No, it works for confident girls like me, because I'm just like, that bitch, hey, you're about to learn,

she ain't nothing. Right. That's why it works for me. I see a challenge. Okay, yeah. Well, these are more to do with the chat situation. So you've connected with someone on like a dating app and then the chat begins. So number

one mistake, these aren't in any order these are just five general mistakes. Guys will use excruciating pick up lines. Your opening will be something so ridiculous. Like a cheesy pick up line? Yeah and you're already turned off. Do you get that a lot?

Or do you think New Zealand Kiwi guys are a bit more? Nah, yeah, I'm just trying to think of one I could say. I can't say any of them on the radio because usually they're very dirty. Really? Or even like you've swiped right, that's the best decision you've made all night. Okay, mate. That's so cheesy though. Yeah.

Actually, actually, mate, I just put a can of whipped cream in my mouth and pulled the trigger. I think that was the best decision I've made all night because that was delicious. That is a lot of fun with doing that, though. It is. Because you get a little nos hit as well. The rule is, like, if you wouldn't say that to someone in person,

if you're not going to be that cheesy in person, then don't, like, do it on me. Right. I think they try to be interesting, but you're just like, just be normal. We're going to get to that. Also, I feel like people are just Googling these pickup lines too. Yeah. And it's just like, oh. You can't tell the tone, and it's like, oh.

The minute you've heard it once, it's cheesy. Yeah. The next is when guys chat up every girl the same way. So they've got like an open line. They use it on every single girl. You're not even taking the time to look into her bio, kind of trying to be like, okay, well, she likes this kind of stuff. Maybe I'll open with that.

The one size fits all approach is not going to work for every single girl. Plus half the time they can tell that you've just copied and pasted that. But does that work when a guy mentions something about one of your profile photos? Yeah, because then it means that they've like done a bit of research. Oh, she likes that. Taking a bit of time.

Well, like, yeah, because I've got like, I don't know, animals. Do you have a picture of you in Kenya doing your charity work? When I was in Asia. Oh, right, okay. Asian-based charity work.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and then they're like, oh, that's cute. We're going to be showmongers. This one I think Caitlin will agree with. Okay. Asian-based charity work. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, and then they're like, oh, that's cute. We'll be sure, mum. This one I think Caitlin will agree with. Okay. Another mistake guys make on dating apps is shoehorning sex into every conversation.

Oh, my God. So, just like. So, wait, wait. That is a guy. That is the one thing you can guarantee a guy is able to do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but guys think it's kind of funny and they're trying to be like cute and funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And get the ball rolling. But girls are just like, it's giving girls the wrong idea. Like, oh, you literally just want sex. 100%. So when should a guy shoehorn that in? Never. Never. A man should not shoehorn anything in.

He should be invited thus. Just ignore it. He should be invited thus and do the work to make sure a shoehorn is not required. It's called foreplay, Fletch. You should try it sometime. At least wait until she starts, like, getting a bit flirty. Yeah. Right.

That's what has gone wrong with me in the past because I'm like, Megan, can you message him? And then she's like, straight on with sex. Oh! Sure stuff. Oh, you know what they say about those middle-aged women. It's because when it's Caitlin's dating app, I don't care. I'm just like, la, la, la, la, la.

Bit of fun for me, I guess. Yeah. Pretending to have lots of hobbies. So, like, lots of guys lie and say that they're into like horse riding, walks on the beach, all that kind of stuff. Just be honest, like she's going to find out anyway. Yeah. When I go horse riding, I lie to the horse riding people

about how many times I've been horse riding. You love horse riding. I do love it, but I'm in no way good at it. I do love horse riding. Yeah. Have you been horse riding much? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. Yeah, it's one of my

passions. The final mistake that guys make on dating apps is loitering like a weirdo. So if a girl in real life says no to you, you'd walk away. Yeah. But then if someone says no to you... Well, that's a coiter's attitude. ...on a dating app, and then you'd linger and message her

over and over and over again, like, come on. And then you message her and message her over and over and over again. Like, come on. And then you message her on Instagram and then you message her on Facebook. Let it go. Let it go. Yeah. Any more you want to add to that, Caitlin? I think we want to be chased, but like not that much.

Just a little bit chased. Just like a little, like verging on creepy, but not quite. You've got to get the right amount. Right amount of stalker. Yeah. Just a little bit stalkies. the right amount. Right amount of stalker. It's a little bit stalky. Oh, my God. Listen to yourself.

Caitlin, in case you're wondering, is still single. We've here at the show got no idea how or why. No, no. It's a mystery to us all. I don't think someone's found that sweet spot of nearly creepy, but not too creepy. Too much, do I? So if you're an expert at negotiating a minefield, get in touch. Yeah, but I've got other criterias too, so we need to go through that.

It's a game of 3D chess. Let's not go through that now. F.E.M. Miss America has made a big announcement. They did this on Twitter at the official Miss America Twitter account. They tweeted a little video, a short video of a white bikini going up in a puff of smoke.

The hashtag was bye bye bikini. So in 2019 the swimsuit section will no longer be a part of the Miss America pageant. They're also not calling it a pageant anymore. They're calling it a competition. And also the, what do they call it? The evening gown.

Evening wear. Evening wear competition. So what will they be doing? Well, in place of the swimsuit section, they will take part in a live interactive session with the judges. They get to talk about their achievements in life and goals in life and how they'll use their talents as Miss America.

That's always been the best part of Miss America, hasn't it? That's given us some great internet memory. Yeah. Well, the talent section will still be there, but the evening gown situation won't be exactly the same because they don't have to wear a gown now. They can wear whatever they choose. Is there even the whole idea of a pageant

or any of these competitions aren't they just outdated? Do you feel like we could just do without them? Oh, just get rid of it altogether. Don't like try to adapt it and change it and keep the same name. Just get rid of it. Don't need it. My problem is, it's like the argument is that the winner does cool things to society, but you're still putting women

competing up against each other so you can uphold one to do something good in society. But what do they do? What do they do? Can't we all stop competing against each other? I've never known one to do anything decent. None of them have gone on to win the Nobel Peace Prize. No, exactly. Or become politicians or... The whole point is we're

supposed to stop competing with each other and just uplift in general life. And why do you have to be a miss? Why can't married women let them in? You know who else needs to be involved? Men. So why do you have to be a miss? Why can't married women let them in? You know who else needs to be involved? Men. So why not let's just have a human competition? But then that sounds boring,

so just scrap the whole thing instead. You're still judging women as they strut around on stage, essentially, which is my problem. And they're still up against each other, which is also my problem. But I guess it's, you know, they're trying. And at least you're not judging them when they're wearing no clothes. But then hot girls like me, who, you know, don't claim to be scholars,

but have a bang and bod, what's there left for us? Absolutely nothing. I know. I mean, I'm sure, yeah, like you won't just fall on your feet and get everything kind of... I'm beginning to think maybe not. Maybe the world's not geared for hot people anymore, you know.

But I haven't seen your hot bod at a Miss America competition, so you haven't been utilising it up until this point anyway. Well, it's because I got married. Oh, yeah, of course. They said I wasn't allowed to go in anymore. That and my penis.

It's like really getting in the way. It's always made in the way. It's always made my swimsuit look a little bulgy. But, Crikey. It's a little bulgy. Like a little bulgy, not a big bulge. No, yeah. Like, if I, but it was cold. I'd tuck it back.

You wouldn't know. But then, like, just when you walk, you're trying to do the sexy, like, long walk. Yeah. It flops from between. Yeah, because you had an accident once, didn't you? Yeah, a ball came out. Was that the end? And that was the end of my, um. Yeah, it flops. Yeah, because he had an accident once in a year. Yeah, a ball came out. Was that the end? And that was the end of my Miss Hot Rod show, 2004.

Miss Fong-O-Matar, 2005. Oh, what a sweaty summer that was. Mostly because I'm a hairy man, but a ball came out. A lot of parents had to explain to kids what was happening at that Miss Fonamata, didn't they? There's a lot of explaining, a lot of awkward explaining going on. Still got second though, so I'm

pretty stoked on that. Rough year. Yeah, rough year. So many images. Fletch, Vaughn. And Megan. The podcast. The naughtiest names have been revealed, and if you're wondering how they got these names.

I quite like their method for discovering these. Yeah, they looked at the names of 63,000 school kids who logged good behaviour or achievement awards in online sticker books. So this is, like like a bit legitimate. Is this like the old days where you'd get a sticker on a chart, but it's online? Yeah, because my kids have both got

August's Kindy and Indie School have both. Do you get like an alert when they get a sticker or something? I actually know. Maybe. I don't know. I've got most notifications for my apps turned off. I don't like to be disturbed. But, yeah, you go on and you see, like, the points they got

and what they got them for. Does August have any stickers at all? Yeah. Do you know what we've learned recently is she's actually, like, very well behaved at kindy, but just comes home and carries on like a problem child. No, not a problem child. Just a rebel.

She saves it up for you. Yeah, yeah, she does. And they said, oh, this happens all the time. No, she's smart, though. Like, she knows if child. She's a rebel. She saves it up for you. Yeah, she does. And they said, oh, this happens all the time. No, she's smart though. She knows if she's good at kindy, she gets rewarded. Yeah. Why does she get rewarded at home? Not as well though.

Maybe you need to up the rewards. Goodie gumdrops at kindy. And I am the man that holds the scoop. So, there's a list of naughty boys and naughty girls. Should I run through? Let's do the boys first. Do you know what I love with these?

Yeah. When we've done lists like this in the past, talked about like the naughty names, as teachers are sitting there being like, yep, and they can immediately like, you say a name, they've got five kids that have been called that. They're like, 100%, 100%.

But then you say the nice names and the teachers are like, nope, still bad names. So the naughtiest boys' names, Luke, Ethan, Benjamin, Lewis, Jamie, Joshua. I knew lots of Joshes. Bad Josh. Naughty Joshes.

Popular name though. Were there any good ones? No, mostly bad. Yeah. Jake, William William Cameron and Joseph Joe Can these be shortened? Yeah

Naughty girls names Someone features in here Oh yes, is it Caitlin? Jade Caitlin Spelled exactly the same way Spell right Why Spell right. Why did you immediately think it was me?

Because that's what I am. Your name's Caitlin? No, before. Oh, yeah, I just knew. I'm not naughty. Were you naughty at school? A show off? No, I remember I was a really goody two-shoes.

No, she would have been a goody-goos. Were you head girl? I was head boarder. What does that mean? Nerd. Head of the boarding house. I had to tell? I was head boarder. What does that mean? Nerd. Head of the boarding house. I had to tell girls to put their tampons in the bins. Oh, my God.

That was my main job. What do you mean? Where were they putting them? In the toilet and flushing them. That was my main job. I had to go up and down all the flights. Surely that's a one-time notice. Girls, hi, head boarder Caitlin here.

There was nothing else for me to do. We can't put the tampons down the toilet. I'm obviously not going to need to repeat that. Why would I need to? You know, I do go and physically speak to every level. Oh, wow. What else did you do as headboarder? Oh, what else?

Did you have to constantly remind the kids at boarding school that their parents didn't really love them? That's why they shipped them off and away from them so often? That is not the reasoning for boarding school. They said it was because there was a lack of, you know, high education close to home. But we all know it's a lie. They don't love us. It's time to rebel.

No. Okay. That's not what happened. Right. Okay. Well, you're on the list. Other naughty girls' names. Amber, Courtney, Holly, Laura, Olivia, Eleanor, Bethany and Ella.

Okay. All pretty plain names. I thought there might have been some out there names. They'd also have to be common names. Yeah, true. Like Hacksaw. There wouldn't be enough females called Hacksaw. But that would certainly be a troublemaking game.

I mean, that's up there. No one's calling their kid Hacksaw. Any name with saw in the title, Chainsaw, Hacksaw, Backsaw. But that would certainly be a trouble-making kid. I mean, that's up there. No one's calling their kid Hacksaw. Any name with saw in the title, chainsaw, hacksaw, bandsaw. Bandsaw's not wanting a Nobel Peace Prize. Maybe, though. Maybe. Saw horse. I can't think of anything else that's saw.

Skillsaw. FGM. Unless you can beat four evictions in six months, I've got a person that's a worse tenant than you are. Okay. Unless you've not been evicted because your landlord hasn't been around and you're currently making meth in the garage. I mean, you're a bad tenant.

Yeah, I've never been evicted. Neither. But I've lived with some scummy flatmates. Same. Like, just dirty people. Not us, though. I've been evicted twice. Yeah.

But it was not like, I just chose to live in houses because this is a little bit of a shortcut. They'd advertise flats and they'd say but at some stage, this house is going to be torn down because, well, one of the houses, we had this awesome house. No,

it was awesome, but the shops next to it had sold and the landlord also sold it and some guy was just going to build like a big strip mall. Not a strip mall, but you know, like one of those things with like a pharmacy and a doctor and a physiotherapist and like a medical center-y sort of vibe to it. So we moved in knowing that our time was limited. And another place we did that as well, because you get cheap rent because these people just want to be ticking over the expenses, even though they know that they can't do it long term. Well, then I got evicted because remember my house is now the Waterview Tunnel. That's right.

And that was a great, at the time you didn't like that but now you're saving so much. Well, there's a asbestos roof and then like. It was good, yeah. Well, the tunnel doesn't have an asbestos roof.

That was the house you lived in. Absolutely. It's an asbestos free tunnel for the best of my knowledge. I don't like to use asbestos much anymore. No. Sparingly. Yeah, sparingly.

But this woman, wow, what a pace of work. And they've, like, named her and everything because... Is there a picture? I guess there's no... They've put two pictures up. One of her clubbing and one of her, I don't know, just looks like a standard... One of her in the club.

One of her in the club. Okay. And they've only half cropped out her friend's face. I feel the friend shouldn't be dragged into this. She's been evicted. How bad did it get? It's bad. People were moving in because not only was she doing over the landlords, but she was

doing over people that would move in. Somebody said they moved in in January and were evicted in March because the landlord said, you're out. You haven't paid. And they're like, what? Why am I out? And they're like, you've not paid rent. And they're like, what? I've been paying? And they're like, you've not paid rent. And they're like, what?

I've been paying rent. I've been giving it to Abby. So somebody moved in with Abby and gave her a $960 bond, a week's rent in advance, and eight weeks' worth of rent over the period, totaling up to like just over three grand. When they were evicted, they owed three grand. So she had been spending all their money on herself.

Pretty much. What a piece of work. So this wasn't the only time somebody else was contacted that had lived with her as well. They said they'd given her $1,800 in rent and bond and had never been passed on to the landlord. And her cats regularly used the shower as a toilet. Oh, grum.

Yuck. Yeah. And then when he asked for the number of the landlord, he got a call from the landlord, Michael. But two days later, he found out that it was just one of Abby's mates ringing up pretending to be the landlord. Oh, no. And then she owed $2,399 when evicted from that place.

So she's, and they just described her as a bit of a grub. I mean, we've all lived with a grub. We've all lived with a grub. Some of us have even been the grub at different times. You have been, I can imagine, in your earlier days. But I would never have classed myself as the worst flatmate. I always lived with someone that was worse than me, which is an important part of making yourself seem better.

It's always a search at yourself. Just do it a little bit better than someone else. Then you can be directly compared to. Like, your room's a bit messy. You should go and have a look at this room. Yeah. They come back, they're like, okay, just tidy up. It's not as bad as upstairs.

I'll grant you that. You're right. But I would like to know, this morning, the worst flatmates you've had. Like, the worst. How bad were they? And it doesn't have to be financial. Oh, they could have had a disgusting habit. My old flatmate used to walk around in his cycling clippy-cloppy shoes on the floor and his bike pants.

And we were like, look, when you're not cycling, take off the gears. Was he even going to go out cycling? That's not. No, he did eventually, but he would wear them like for hours before he went. That's not that bad, Megan. That's not that bad. That's not that bad. I don't need to see him in his bike shorts. It's like living with a two-legged horse. That would not that bad. I don't need to see him in his bike shorts.

It's like living with a two-legged horse. That would actually be quite... I don't need to see him in his bike shorts. And do you know how annoying that is down the hallway? Megan, we want to hear from people that are way more disgusting. Yeah, but they're not paying rent. They had a right to... It's different if you're in a cafe and you're out with your family

having a delicious Eggs Benedict and then some guy walks in with his Eggs Benedict. He would sit at the dining table and cross his legs in bike pants. I was like, come on, mate. More crime. Get him to the Hague. What a terrible man. No, we need worse stories.

The other story is the other story that you've told before about that. Well, maybe don't say the name. Oh, so I used to live with an accountant who was very, like, very straight edge. He used to do all of the bills and everything. Yeah. Except when he left, he sold us his PlayStation for the flat. So we were like, okay, cool.

Except when we opened the PlayStation, there was a DVD of... Very niche, shall we say. How niche? Well, it's totally legal. Nothing untoward. Well, if's totally legal. Nothing untoward. Well, if it's legal, you can say it. But what kind of porn?

It involved, like, hair shaving. Hair removal porn. Is that a thing? I didn't even know this was a thing. Is that a thing? Hair removal. He's an accountant with a... Watching someone get shaved is erotic for some people.

Yeah. I mean, he's an accountant. They should come round to my house. That is sure kill the buzz. When I'm having a trim up. It's all clogged in the shower and stuff. I'm just glad he'd left before I found that. What is the worst flatmate you've ever lived with?

0800 DARS.M You can text us 9696. We're talking about the worst flatmates you've ever had. For whatever reason. And this is a text message that could take the cake. We lived with a guy who came from overseas, spoke no English, drank up to three bottles of vodka a day,

used to come into the bathroom while you were showering, just welcomed himself on in, and would regularly just pee on the floor. What is wrong with people? He would occasionally mop it up with his clothes, but he wouldn't wash the clothes. He would dry them on the heated towel rail, which would emanate a certain scent.

He'd have food out for weeks, and his milk went so lumpy that he used to, on more than one occasion, shake the bottle really hard to kind of get it a little bit more liquidy and then pour it into a glass and drink it. At least he was using a glass. We're hearing some really grim stories. Like, it's... But, like, just can't you evict him?

And then super devious ones. Like, somebody said we'd asked the girl to move out because she was behind on rent and everything. Yeah. And then the landlord rang saying, oh, so this name change on the rent's all legit. And they're like, I beg your pardon. And she was moving out, but to try to get her name on the rent so she could come,

on the, sorry, on the tenancy. Yeah. So she could come back and kick them out because it was her name on the tenancy. And they were like, luckily the landlord rang just to check. What is wrong with people? I don't know. I mean, who wants their name? No, that's the thing.

You never want your name on the plate, do you? You always get your friend to sign the list. Michelle. What was the worst flight, mate, you lived with? What happened? Oh, well, I don't think there was anyone here as bad as some of the stories. But it was just my underwear started going missing. Okay.

And I thought I was just, like, losing it in the wash, the way, you know, you lose your socks and stuff. Then one day I was just in a room, she said I could borrow a top and I saw some of it. I was like, is that my bra? And she was like, oh yeah, I just borrowed it. And she was like, I'll go with that. And I was like, oh, it's all good.

You don't borrow underwear. You don't use someone else's underwear No Full stop No, you're like If you finish with your undies You don't even put it In the client's recycling bin

To me that's in the bin bin Yeah Exactly, yeah So did you just Did you say stop doing this And just let her keep it And did it stop Or did she carry on?

I just made sure I didn't leave Like any of my underwear Where she could find it Was it slush carry on? I just made sure I didn't leave like any of my underwear where she could find it. Was it flash undies? Were they nice ones? Yeah, they were nice ones. Oh, and that's even worse.

But I wouldn't want them back either because yuck, you know, someone's had their bits against them, haven't they? Jess,

thanks Michelle. Jess, what was the worst flatmate you had? Hey, I had a flatmate in London for about three months, and he was a sports coach.

So he just, he showered probably maybe four times the whole time that he lived with us. And he'd just come home and stay in his sweaty clothes and just go straight to bed and not talk to us or anything. He'd just go straight to his room the whole time. And it was horrible. It was disgusting. He stunk. I bet if he wasn't showering that much

he'd also probably not be one of those people that washes their sheets every week. Yeah, oh yuck. He probably did about two loads of washing the whole time we lived with him. How do you tell someone to shower too? How do you tell someone to shower too? It's an awful... Yeah, I mean, how do you tell someone to do basic human things? If they've got to the point where they're not living with their parents anymore

and they haven't mastered it, then you've got to wonder. Thanks, you're cool, Jessie. Abby, what happened? So we had this guy living in our flat that would be working a lot, so we'd never really see him, but he wasn't paying rent on time. So we'd follow it up with him, like, you know, where's the rent at? And then he'd sort of just brush it off, like, oh, you know, where's the repair? And then he sort of just brushed it off, like, oh, you know, like, work's really hard, life's really

hard at the moment. He was pretty sympathetic about all of that. Tried to give him, you know, the benefit of the doubt. And then eventually we just decided it was enough. And he had his girlfriend over one night and all you could hear was her just screeching, like, ow, ow. And we were like, nah, this is the final straw. Like, something, this guy's just so weird. We can't do this anymore. So we told him, you know, it's time to pack his bags and leave. And when he'd told us he'd packed everything and gone, and we went in his room,

and he'd left just the weirdest things behind, like a mask and a massive bottle of what looked like urine. Oh, yuck. Did it smell like urine? No, you don't sniff it. I'd have to know. Did we get to the bottom of the noises from the girlfriend? No, we never figured it out,

but they were both quite, let me say, just maybe quirky kind of people. Quite politely put. Yeah, okay. I could say worse, but yeah. Right. A little bit odd, so yeah. But how can anyone who lives

in a house be so lazy they don't want to go to the bathroom, so use a bottle? Like, that is disgusting. Yeah, you live in modern times. But props to him for not spilling it. Like, it's normal. Props to actually just getting it and, you know. Look at you finding silver linings. Yeah. Especially if it's like a coke

bottle, you know, because those small holes. Powerade bottle's easier because of the larger opening on the top. If you take the squeegee lid off. I always take the squeegee lid off. I can confirm that was a Coke bottle. Oh, right, okay. All right, thanks for your call, Abby. No worries.

Your face looking at the text machine. Today's one of those days where you be glad you're not in charge of the text machine. Some of them just don't even be mentioning. The failure on... Huge parental failures here. These people have left and their parents haven't educated them enough in life to know that this isn't okay to carry on like. There's definitely a difference in student flatting

and some of the carry on here, isn't there? Like we've all lived in a student flat with... There's grubby, but then there's just disgusting and filthy. Like, what are you doing? Yeah. Somebody said,

so I'm going to steer away from them and go for the more humorous angle. Walked in on a flatmate gutting a deer on the kitchen bench. Is that humorous? Plotting guts everywhere.

Is that the humorous thing? We had a sink outside. I said, why are you doing this in the sink outside? They said, bit cold. Oh, my gosh.

Cutting a deer. I lived with a girl in Dunedin, and she set up a tent inside her room and lived inside the tent inside the room, but outside the tent was just like a bomb site. It was just like garbage and rubbish. She didn't want to see it anymore. She was shuddering herself from it. And another girl who lived in

her room we described as the dark cave because we never saw the curtains open once and had a toaster in there and would just live off bread and light. Every now and then the smoke alarm would go off. Because of the toaster. I hope this wasn't the same girl as the tent.

You shouldn't be using a toaster in a tent. No, definitely not. That's a fire hazard waiting to happen. Yeah, I mean, just filthy people. Somebody moved out. We decided rather than getting them back, we just wouldn't give their bond back and try to sort out their room for themselves. I picked up a mattress.

There were literally millions of maggots. Oh, yeah. Under it. You said humorous. Oh, these are very much on the light end of the scale. Oh, yeah. Under it. You said humorous. Oh, these are very much on the light end of the scale. Oh, grim. Maggots are like... Oh, yeah.

Are they? What is wrong with people? I don't know. I feel a little bit gaggy. My mouth is going a little salivary. Sorry if you're eating breakfast. It's breakfast time. We shouldn't be doing this.

Somebody said, I flirted with someone so terrible once they ended up on a TV program for how bad and filthy and disgusting they were. Do you remember that show? The real estate agents would go around and do inspections. And they said, yeah, they were like the... You'd see some stuff doing that. Oh, I couldn't even watch that. No, no.

Yes. FEM. Megan's going on holiday soon, and it seems that doggy daycare has fallen on Ali. Is Ali looking after your house as well? Yeah. So she's house-sitting. House-sitting, yeah. She's abandoning Caitlin for a couple of weeks.

It's going to be a hard one. Hard pill to swallow, Caitlin. I'm abandoning her because I'm going on a run. Oh, you're abandoning her too. Yeah. But then I'm going to go and live with her when I get back at Megan's house. But behind the scenes, Megan and Caitlin fight over who's Ellie's friend more. No, Ellie's Caitlin's flatmate.

Ellie's my best friend. I just love stoking the fire on this. Ellie's my best friend. She is your best friend. I introduced Caitlin. And she's my really good friend. I let Caitlin have her and I said she'll be a great flight mate Well as crazy as we thought Fletch was when he was going away

And intern Anya was looking after Karen The cat We've been sent a guide to Leo James Leo James How pretentious No it's Leo James a guide Here we go What does your dog need a middle name for?

Leo James. He's inherited his father's middle name. Oh, my God. You don't give pets middle names? I'm not alone. Just because your cat's name is Karen. There's a few Karens listening to this. No, but also, it's a boy.

It's Karan. It's an American. Karan. Yeah. It's French. Don't get me started. It's Caron. Yeah. It's French. Don't get me started. Also, before we get into this, you're not allowed to at any point

say that he's a stupid dog because he's not stupid. He's a stupid dog. I mean, you've said it. I don't need to say it. He's not a stupid dog. So, Leo James, a guide.

Right. We've got our hands on this handbook, this guide. We're going to go through it. So, just your usual stuff at the top, a vet contact.

I've just been having words with Megan about why she hasn't got a vet closer to her home. No, but they've, like, been with him since he was a baby. So they know him. That's inconvenience. You've got to... Anyway, by the by. Daycare listed there for drop off. Is that a daily...

So he's staying at the daycare for a week and Ellie's got him for a week. Because then he can go to the farm and run around with the other dogs. So he's not a farm dog. No, but he loves the farm for like a treat. Oh, God. Okay. So food, this is where it starts getting good. One scoop of heaped dry biscuits.

Yeah. Two tablespoons of, I don't know, is this at different times of the day? No, it's with the biscuits. With the biscuits. Two tablespoons of wet food that you'll find in the cupboard. And please keep in the fridge once opened. She might not know that. Is this as well as, is this, what are you about to say?

So you're mixing dry biscuits and wet biscuits. Yeah. No, dry biscuits with wet, like jelly meat. Okay. And then a quarter cup of warmed puppy milk at night. Warmed and mixed with any of the leftover food previously mentioned. Heat for 20 seconds in a cup

is the right amount of warm. You make him like a little casserole. Yeah. That's what it says next. It says, yes, it says add water to give it a casserole-like consistency. He loves a casserole, especially on a cool night. Yeah, when it's cold.

Warm it up so it's like a warm casserole. I'm sorry if he's just like living in the lap of luxury. Next, after the food subheading, is pee-pee. Okay. Needs a pee-pee first thing in the morning, at night before bed, and when you get home. So when you leave him at home, you've got to take him pee-pee outside. Before you leave,

and then when you get home, it's more pee-pee. Oh, I haven't said that you need to say quick-quick. And that means go wheeze. So you need to stand outside and go quick-quick. Okay. Can you add that in? I need to add that in.

Okay, I can't add this in. I'm just reading a screen capture. Bedtime. This is, listen to this. Two blankets, one tucked in around his back, and the second loosely placed on top, pulled over his head with a little peephole for him to look out of. A little peephole.

He just takes just a little bit to see out of. Like a dog burrito. Yeah. Give him one Ziwi treat. He loves his little Ziw, his little dried lamb things. Okay. Right before bed? Yeah.

Because then it teaches him that the crate's like a good place. Does he sleep in the crate? Yeah, he's crate trained. What's he sleep in the crate for? That's his little happy place. Because then he has his own bed. He has his own space. Give him one Ziwi treat and make sure he has his lambie tucked in with him, otherwise

he'll bark till you get it. Lambie? A toy? His little lamb toy. No, because seriously, if you don't tuck lambie in with him, when you go to bed, he barks and howls until you get lambie. God, you've got a stupid dog. During the daytime make sure the blinds are pulled so he can see the neighbourhood. He likes to

look out over the neighbours. Does he? Yes. And then leave the puffer jacket on the spare bed because he cuddles into that when you're not home. Oh my god, he sounds so cute. But also leave our bedroom door closed. Yeah, because he's not allowed in there.

Walkies, his leash and harness are in the drawer under the microwave. Not too far. No, because he gets tired. Because of his little legs. Because he's stupid. Yeah, he'll lie down if you take him too far and then you have to carry him home. I need to add that on there as well.

Make it a wee asterisk. God, your dog's stupid. It won't even walk home. Only if you take him too far. He sounds so cute. Don't you just want to take him home? No, God, he sounds like too much work. No, he's so cute.

Somebody said my dog is my little person. Somebody messaged in. Somebody said I'm being a hypocrite because my dog has a middle name. Lulu Bell. But Lulu Bell's its first name. No. You just call it Lulu. And Lulu is its nickname.

And your dog has a Facebook page. It does have a Facebook page. So shut up. It's not very active. It's not very active. It's not right. It's gone off have a Facebook page. So, shut up. It's not very active. It's not right. It's gone off. I didn't like how Zuckerberg was getting into its private details. Today is Lulu Bell's birthday, and I'm like, happy birthday, Lulu Bell.

There is about three people left wishing my dog happy birthday. So, there you go. That's what it takes to look after Megan's dog. Sounds so cute. By the way, is that puffer jacket that you're leaving on the bed, is that a ZM puffer jacket? Yeah. Because they need those for the promos department. Because we're sending out people cold.

Yeah, but my dog needs one too. He's cold. He's not out there on the streets driving a Toyota Front Runner giving away free things. Well, as soon as Ross gets him a tiny weenie little ZM puffer jacket, I'm not giving it back. It's a Facebook page in Australia I just want to belong to because it has so much good

content. Yep. Kmart Mums Australia Facebook page. Oh god. Just for good times. But you're not a mum though. No, but I go to Kmart a lot. But this was posted on the Kmart Mums Australia Facebook page. Are they the ones that were raving about that real cheap vacuum cleaner

that everyone went crazy about? I think so. Yeah. The $99 vacuum. Okay. This was about a $15 set of Kmart scales. Now, I don't know what they looked like. These are bathroom scales, not kitchen scales, eh?

The ones you stand on, yeah. And they were glass scales. Most scales are these days. Yeah, these days. Slightly more pleasing aesthetic, isn't it? Yeah. So this woman has said, she doesn't want to be identified,

she said she lightly nudged. Could it be, you know, how like you get digital scales, you have to like tap the thing on the bottom to set it back to zero? Or to turn it on. Don't you just have to give it a light stomp on the top? I give mine a light stomp.

Or she could have been like moving it. You know how you sometimes, if you've got scales in your bathroom, you just push them with your foot under the... Well, I drag them out and then kick them back under. So she says she lightly nudged them and they exploded. Literally, there's a picture of it after and it's in a million pieces.

Oh yeah, I'm looking at the picture. I'm looking at the picture. I'm looking at the picture. That's like when I dropped my Pyrex jug in the kitchen. Is it tempered? What do they call that glass? Like safety glass. Yeah, but when it goes, it goes. Like the oven door.

Oh, I've never had an exploding. I've had an oven door explode on me. Goodness. Okay. Terrible. An oven door? Oh, I wasn't on me. I wasn't on me.

I was in bed in a flat I was in once and I just heard this boosh. I thought someone had broken in. Right. And yeah, I rung the oven place and they're like, oh yeah, there's been a couple of reports of that. I don't know, it might be a faulty down door. It's like, you might want to get that checked there, champ. I don't want Nanny to be putting the scones in and it blow up and take her out.

Right. So I don't know what she wanted from it. She said, I didn't cut myself. My husband and I picked it up by hand and then I vacuumed it twice. What most mums on this Kmart Mums Australia Facebook page want. Free stuff. Yeah. But you're paying $15. These are my scales. You're paying $15.

Like, just take them back and get a refund and get some more. Or don't get some more. You kind of can't take it back. What? I think these are my scales. These are our home scales. Did your wife get them from Kmart? I don't know where they were. They just appeared one day. So probably most of the stuff that just appears in our house is from Kmart. It's like know where they just came. They just appeared one day. So probably most of the stuff that just appears in our house is from Kmart. Yeah.

It's like the Kmart genie. The gym scales. My gym scales. Because I weigh at the gym. Because I weigh just after I do exercise. Okay. So is that when you're at your lightest? When's the lightest time of the day to measure?

Morning. Morning. Before you eat. Like straight out of bed. Before you exercise and eat. Or go wheeze, then weigh. Or I'd definitely try to do. Or I'd toilet, then weigh.

Or I'd definitely try and do a toilet. Just to get everything out. I always weigh myself completely naked as well, which makes it awkward when you're trying to keep track of your weight and you take a photo and you see the reflection of the bottom side of your balls on the scales. Oh, boy. Because I was having a competition with a mate about our weight

and I went to send him the photo and literally just before I sent it, I noticed that you could see sort of the undercarriage, the whole situation. The gooch, the butthole, everything. Like one of those accidental trade me kind of uploads. Standing on the scales. That's another thing.

I don't know how wide apart to stand on the scales. Well, as long as your feet are on it. Yeah, okay. That's good to know. But the gym scales were gone. Yeah. And I said...

Is that because you keep standing on them naked? Probably. And they were like, take me out of the game. Get me out of the business. People do that in my gym though. They'll weigh themselves naked. Yeah, but I don't have a communal bathroom.

I've got a solo unit. I take it in there and weigh myself. I'm not just getting... Right. Naked in front of people. Yeah. Okay. Well, how often are people weighing themselves?

All the time. It's fascinating. People weigh themselves so much. Yeah. Like they'll go for a workout before and after you to's fascinating. People weigh themselves so much. Yeah. Like they'll go for a workout before and after. You'll just see them. They weigh themselves

before and after. What's the point of that? I don't know. Of course you're going to fluctuate. Because muscle weighs more than fat. That's just what you tell yourself. Yeah. When you come back from holiday

and you did like three squats on the holiday. No, but that's why you could look like you've been working out and you look better but you weigh the same. Yeah. Because you've transferred fat to muscle. So to swim in the pool. No, but that's why you could look like you've been working out and you look better but you weigh the same. Yeah.

Because you're transferred muscle to fat to muscle. So the scars at the gym, AWOL, I couldn't measure myself. No one's there before work when I go. So one day I went after work

and I asked, oh, where are the scars? Are they gone because of the swastikas? What? Everybody in the office just shit themselves. And they're like,

what are you talking about? I was like, oh, the swastikas. It was just like a design flaw, I assume. So they pull out these scales. I'm like, see, look. And it was just like a whole bunch of lines. Yeah.

But if you isolated one part of the pattern, it was undeniably a swastika. Oh, dear. They're like, well, it wasn't because of that. They were measuring people at the wrong weight. But yes, they shan't be going back out with the swastika on. But they were measuring people at these Nazi scales. They are absolutely a terrorist of a scale.

Add that to the Nazi crimes. You're working hard, but they're weighing you a kg and a half heavier than you are. Monsters. Or they were going lighter. Which is nice for a Nazi thing to do, isn't it? Too nice for the Nazi. I like that the Nazi was put my own way. Because you're like, damn it, why has it not happened?

The Nazis are adding a K and a half. So rude. I suppose if the Nazis are consistent, at least you would notice loss if you were having loss. It would be if every time it stepped on it, it recognised it was you by the underside of your balls that it saw every time and added more weight on. Charming.

I mean, that's a smart set of Nazi scales. It is. All right. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Today's fact of the day is about rain, raindrops. Okay. Keep falling on my head. I knew you were going to do that.

Just like a guy whose feet are too big for his bed. Why is the guy whose feet are too big for his bed got a problem with raindrops on his head? I didn't know that was the words. I don't know. Is it the words? I feel like that was the words. I don't know. Mrs. Muckie used to play it on the piano and we'd all sing along at primary.

Okay. Did you have primary? Did you have that at school? Piano. Because I've said to that a few people and they thought it was really weird. We had a teacher with a guitar. And they'd play. And they'd just strum.

And would you have the lyrics on like a big? OHP. On the overhead projector. Oh, you had them on the OHP. Yeah. We had a big like flippy papery thing. Oh, yeah. But your school was even more popper than mine. No, I had a flippy papery thing oh yeah but your school was even more popper than mine

no I had a flippy papery thing yeah and you'd be like next song and you'd flick it over and like then that would get put away at the end

because you didn't wreck that because that was the one copy right okay anyway anyway

raindrops good times that was when I found out I couldn't sing yeah they said hey Vaughan your enthusiasm

can't be faulted but the volume just needs to come down a bit because of the Yeah. They said, hey, Fawn, your enthusiasm can't be faulted, but the volume just needs to come down a bit because of the... The badness. The screechiness of it. Yes. It's terrible. Well, this is about raindrops because it's been raining. Yep.

As it happens to on this lovely planet we live on. Yep. And my daughter said to me, is this what a raindrop looks like? And drew what you would traditionally call a raindrop. Like the emoji. Yeah. For EG. So that's kind of what a tear looks like when it's rolling down your face

because the bulk of the tear is at the bottom and a kind of a trail gets left behind. Well, it's gravity, isn't it, that's making it? Is it? I don't know. I've always thought it was kind of like, yeah, gravity's pulling it down, but it's the friction around it that's slowing it down on the it? I don't know. I've always thought it was kind of like, yeah, gravity's pulling it down, but it's the friction around it that's slowing it down on the face.

I don't know. But this is about the shape of a raindrop because a raindrop isn't shaped like that. A raindrop looks more like a hamburger bun. A pancake. More like a hamburger bun, otherwise I would have said pancake. Okay.

So it falls. It begins falling from a pancake. Okay. Okay. So, it falls. It begins falling from a cloud. Wait, wait, question. Yes. Question. I don't know if I'm going to have the answer. Is it a hamburger bun with, like, stuff in it? No, no, it's just the top of the bun.

Or just a raw bun? Thank you. Good question. Sesame seeds on top? No sesame seeds. Silly. Poppy seeds. Don't be silly.

Cheese. No seeds. No cheese. Brioche bun? Just a bun. Sourdough. Just the top of the bun, too, not the bottom of the bun. Okay, well that's misleading because now I'm imagining a totally different size raindrop.

Top half of the bun. Right. Shape. Not size of a bun. What kind of bun? Like McDonald's cheeseburger? No. Good question.

No. More of? Filet-O-Fish. Like pick and mix buns at Countdown. It's not a McDonald's bun. More like that. Okay. More like the top half of a bread bin bun.

Okay. A crappy bun that your mum... Dollar a bun. They're crappy buns, and you put lunch in them in coleslaw on a family picnic. Those kind of buns. Those buns can't be beaten.

I think your mum's buying the crusty buns two days later to say... Yeah, she loves a reduced to clear. Yeah, okay, so... Bakery items. Get rid of Yeah, she loves the reduced to clear. Yeah, okay. Bakery items. Get rid of that because it's got to have a little bit of that fresh bread in it to get the shape I'm after. Right. So when it starts to fall, the raindrop, it's got the most resistance coming down, the air resistance in the middle.

So the edges start to come down a little bit because the air on the edge escapes around the side. Right. So it doesn't shape like a raindrop because that wouldn't be a good way to fall. It's shaped like a hamburger bun. That's a kidney bean. Oh, damn it. It's a jelly bean on its side. Why didn't you just say it's a jelly bean?

It's a raindrop shaped like a jelly bean. On its side. Because then I say jelly bean and you think it would just be falling its quickest way, which is with the least resistance. No, it's just saying it looks like a parachute. A jelly bean when it falls with the sideways. Yep. Okay. Flat side down. A hamburger bun.

Anyway, okay, right. It just doesn't look like a drop. Yeah, when a raindrop falls it doesn't look like the emoji. The emoji or what we've always known as a raindrop or perhaps even how we've drawn raindrops. Yeah. It actually looks like the've drawn raindrops. Yeah. It actually looks like the top of a hamburger bun. Okay.

And that's today's... Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. There's been a big study done and it's found that if you wear glasses, it's good news for you in terms of the fact that you may well be smarter than the average person. But at what age? Because everybody needs glasses eventually, right? They tested people between the ages of 16 and 102.

It's the largest ever study that's ever been done. And yeah, basically it's found that needing to wear glasses is associated with higher levels of intelligence. Because I've got glasses quite young. So with that, then I'm brainier. Maybe. But then you've got laser, so that doesn't count. You're back to being done.

I don't regret that for a moment, trading in those IQ points for the convenience of not wiping glasses and not having people go, can I try on your glasses and putting a big thumbprint on them because... Oh, I've done that. Is that annoying? Oh, it's the worst. First of all, people don't really like you trying on their glasses. Secondly, no.

I'm like, oh, look, I'm a sexy receptionist. The glasses might be good, but they're not working that way. Although, Caitlin wears glasses. Why is that an although? I could be a sexy receptionist. I don't have a bath bomb.

I was trying to do like... We're talking about intelligence. Oh, okay. And your passport's just turned up, hasn't it? Your emergency passport. I'm so scared I'm going to lose it. After you lost your passport.

Yeah, in my house. And your phone. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, I'm just making a point here. But. Intelligence. I wear contacts at the moment, so that makes me even more intelligent. How many times did you have to fill in the passport form?

Only twice. Yeah, that was sad. Guys, this is not supposed to be about me being intelligent. That's not under intelligence. Not intelligence? Unintelligent. I'm just going to turn you off now. I rest my case, Your Honour. But what's the correlation here? What do they think's the reason? Heaps of this. You don't wear glasses, so you don't know. I don't wear glasses, I don't know. Just they tested a bunch of people. There's a correlation, right? Yeah.

Between like genes and... Their analysis found significant genetic overlap between general cognitive function, reaction time, and many health variables, including eyesight, hypertension, and longevity. Specifically, people who were more intelligent were almost 30% more likely to have jams. I don't have my glasses on, but I can't understand anything.

This is why I was just like, let's just leave it at they're more intelligent. That's just backing up what people have always thought. Because people wear glasses to seem more intelligent, don't they? Like fake glasses. Are people still wearing fake glasses? I mean, there are the hipster fake glasses, but there are people that I've heard of people that...

They want to be taken more seriously. And then having glasses, and it's weird, but people do think that you are more intelligent with glasses. Is that a stereotypical thing to say? Yeah, but now you've got the science to back it up, that there's a correlation between wearing glasses, appearing smarter, and actually being maybe a little bit smarter. Have you ever put glasses on, Megan,

and thought, oh, I look smarter? Yeah. Would you ever wear glasses if for some reason you needed people to think that you were smarter than perhaps you are?

No, but I'd never thought about it. If you were going for a job at NASA? Oh, God, I'd wear a blazer and glasses. Yeah. 100%. Exactly.

I'd wear a lab coat. And pants. Okay, here's what I want to know. Has anybody, is anybody listening, has anybody done this? Ever worn glasses to be taken more seriously

or for like a job interview or at a job or because you wanted someone to think you were a lot smarter? Outside of glasses, what else makes you look smarter? Is there a certain hairstyle that makes you look smarter?

Is it like a... Tie it up in a bun. Tie it up in a bun? Are buns smarter than a high pony? A pony tail's a bit like... Whereas, like, if you do it in a bun, that's like... What about pig tails? Yeah, nah.

It's one on each side. Nah, that's probably not. What about those tight French braids that make you look like you're going to an equestrian event? Yeah, nah. Do they make you look smarter? No, they make you look like you're going to a boxing class? Yeah.

Yeah. So a high bun would be the smartest. And some glasses. Yeah. And some glasses. Well, if you've ever worn glasses and you don't need them, just to make yourself look smarter or be taken seriously, I'd just love to know if anyone's ever done that.

Yeah. Well, a study has backed it up. If you wear glasses glasses you're more likely to be intelligent so we want to know from you uh when you've um put glasses on even though you don't need them and if and if it worked yeah the desired result was achieved um eli you've done this you didn't need glasses but you wore them i used to wear glasses but I didn't need them. Why? Why? I used to live and work in Japan. Just about the standard look for a Japanese businessman is white collared shirt, tie, black slacks, and a comb over that just goes on for days. And glasses.

Okay, so you felt that if you didn't have glasses, you wouldn't be taken seriously. I was not taken as seriously. Oh, wow. It was, yeah, it was real good. As soon as I chucked the glasses on, they added another 10 years to my age, apparently. And people stopped viewing me as a child. And it was great. Wow.

Do you think you weren't alone in that? Like, everybody was doing it? Oh, heck yeah. Or are they just all blind in Japan? Well, there might be that problem as well, yeah. Right. Gabrielle, did you used to wear glasses when you didn't need them? Yes, I did.

I do it all the time still. Why though? It depends. If my eyebrows really need a wax, then absolutely. When I was at uni, I was kind of like, I'm in over my head, so I'll just put these on and hopefully I'll pass a bit. Oh, my gosh. So for the eyebrows, they hide the brows.

Oh, yeah. Wow. Best trick ever. Oh, my God. So it's thick-rimmed glasses and it gives you a few extra days coverage until you can get to a wax clinic. Absolutely. I got the information in.

They sell them. Like, it's not, like, so easy to come by. Has anyone asked to try them on and then realise that they're fake? Yeah, but some people, like, if you've got astigmatism, the glasses are actually really, like, light prescription anyway, so people generally don't ask. And I'm like, oh, hey, you're not blind. So I normally get away with it.

Yeah, I'm just hiding. And then they see your eyebrows and the gigs up. You've even developed a good lie cover. Hey, Gabriel, thanks for your call. No worries. Some text messages in. My friend worked at an optometrist, and she was amazed how many people came in

and would just buy the frames and just keep the plastic lenses in them and walk out. And she'd be like, do you want an appointment? They're like, oh, no, no, no. Sweet. Wow. Really? They did a tally one week, and it was over 50% of people who bought glasses that week didn't actually need them.

No. That's mind-blowing, eh? Yeah. Because, I mean, you know, it's such a hassle. You've got to clean them, steam up. Were you just wearing them for aesthetic or, like, to seem smarter? To seem smarter, maybe? Somebody said, I dated a girl from Canada once.

I'm quite a slender man in stature. She made me wear glasses so it was like she was taking advantage of a nerd. It was weird stuff. It was weird stuff but she really wanted to be taking advantage of a nerd so I was happy to oblige. I'll be your nerd. How does that even come up in Convo? How do you approach that with your new boyfriend?

I don't know. Somebody else said this actually had the reverse effect on me. I needed glasses because my eyesight was failing. So I went and got glasses. I wore them to work. The first day, people were like, whoa, sexy receptionist. Ooh, dirty librarian. And stop taking me seriously.

Oh, well, that's what I said, isn't it? And they started taking me seriously. Oh, well, that's why. So I stopped wearing them and they started taking me seriously again. And a few people messaging in who actually have to wear glasses saying they can have mine. I feel this is just a mockery of my dysfunction. Yeah, crazy. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughn and Megan.

The podcast. For more, catch them every weekday from 6. Every day, every weekday. Yeah, crazy.