ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - November 01 2019

Episode Date: October 31, 2019

Hayley Sproull is in studio ahead of the second season of The Great Kiwi Bake Off, Friday Flashback and your funny funeral moments.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

ZM. Head music. Lives here. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. Thanks, Anya. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. Happy Friday. We've got some hot weather ahead this weekend, too. Great weather forecast. Well, that's good news. Some places getting up to like late 20s and 30 in some places. Blenheim. Goodness. Is it good for the grapes? Is it good for the grapes? Is it good for the grapes?

You're just saying that. They like warm weather, don't they? They like a long, hard summer. They like to work. Right, okay. That's what I heard. They don't like it easy. You get a flavourful grape for your vinos

when they've had to work. Right. For your venos. When they've had to work. Right. Work. Get it done. And then they're like, I've worked hard. I'll taste good now. And then we're like, yoink, yoink, yoink. And they're like, ah, my reproductive parts.

We're like, shut up. And then we prune them right back and we juice their delicious sweet bits. So are we saying 2019's a good savvy year? Well, it might be. Good start. It's a good start. How was Halloween last night, Megan? I ran out of lollies.

I had a big bowl. Although this year I didn't go for individually wrapped chocolates because it's too spinny. What, do you have them break off a king-sized block or something? No, like I had little, like, fruit, like, lollies wrapped up. Oh, okay, like fruit bursts. Rather than choccies, because, yeah. Right, okay. But I still ran out little like fruit, like lollies wrapped up. Oh, okay. Like fruit bursts. Rather than choccies because yeah.

Right, okay. But I still ran out. Still ran out of lollies. There's something worse than them running up to your house and they're all like done up in their costumes

and you're like, hey. Get away from me. Sorry, we're all cleaned out of lollies. A little heartbreak. How many packs did you buy? Seven.

Seven? Because you ran out like seven packs. Yeah. Well, you ran out last year. How many were you giving to kids? It sounds like you were giving too many earlier. No, all their parents were like, one each.

I was like, oh, wow. And they all said, thank you. Were you saying one each to your kids? Nah, we just stood at the end of the driveway and let them run up and bother people. Oh, okay, right. But then the kids that we went to a friend's place and the kids that came up were pretty good. But then we were inside the fence and I heard

quite a bit of noise coming from the container with the lollies and I looked out and this kid was just like free pouring it into his bucket and then he looked at me and I looked at him

and I was like how many have you taken? And he like put a handful back but he still would have got away with far more than his share. I've learnt too that you don't ask

like what their costume is because I asked yesterday, oh, what are you dressed up as? And she replied, I'm Elton John. And then I got it, but yeah. Wow. She was quite young. A young girl was Elton John? Yeah.

Progressive. Very upset when you ask though. Tom, so it's coming up on the show. NASA have said that we're going back to the moon for a couple of weeks. Yeah, and four astronauts are going to stay on the moon for two weeks. Exciting. So the top six things to do on the moon for two weeks. All right, you lot, listen up.

It's story time. Story time. Three news headlines for interesting, odd, quirky news stories that I've found. Vaughan and Megan, pick one out of the three headlines only. Headline one, shock for Aussie family. Headline two, 300-year-old pub haunted by horny ghosts. And headline three, there's a lot of these stories

because it's Halloween. Right. Every news organisation's printing their haunted stories. Headline three, man road rages at the wrong car. Those are your headlines. Pretty keen on the horny ghost. Me too. Me too.

I'm glad. Casper the horny ghost. Not the friendly ghost. Oh, I mean, I just roll my eyes at the story, but okay. I like the headline. That's why it made the cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we go to the Drover's Inn north of Loch Lomond.

Is that not what it's called in Croatian street? Is that where we went? We went there. We got towed off. She was not happy because Fletch said she should judge up her lake with some freshwater dolphins. And I said, yeah, you should have you thought about helicoptering in dolphins for the tourism. And she bit our heads off. She was not aware to leave.

She's not used to your stupid humour. You can't go across the world and... Yeah, but obviously you can't helicopter dolphins into a freshwater lake. It's stupid. Unless they were freshwater dolphins. I still stand by it. I think it was a great idea. Thank you, Vaud. But yeah, she's stupid. Unless they were freshwater dolphins. I still stand by it. I think it was a great idea. Thank you, Vaude.

But yeah, she told us. She worked for their version of DOC, Department of Conservation. Oh, right. So she's not having any of your business. No. I like to think our Department of Conservation's got a better sense of humour than the Scottish one. Anyway, I mean, it's a beautiful area, but it's tarnished. I wouldn't go there.

I wouldn't go there. Gorgeous. What was this place called? The, what, the name of the bar? The Drover's Inn. Drover's Inn. Yeah, well, apparently ghosts and such have been terrorising

visitors to the 300-year-old Lockside pub in Scotland, staff claim. Self-opening doors, sinister laughter, mysterious bruises, moving objects, orbs and unexplained sexual bumping in the night. Unexplained sexual bumping? I just think it's people having sex in the rooms. Like, because it's an inn.

How is it unexplained? Well, the testimonies of those that have stayed and worked there, one of the oldest pubs in Scotland, are the stuff of local legends. The premises used to belong to Highland Cattle Merchants way back in the day. Much of the decor and furniture remain the same. And the ghostly bumping sounds are so loud, visitors have mistaken them for people having sex. Apparently it's a scary place at night, said one lady called Yvonne.

And yeah, I've slept in the Horn and Robe. I haven't slept a wink. They said in the jacuzzi room. And apparently, yeah, you just hear noises all through the night. Oh, my. It's a load of rubbish because it's Halloween. They're just trying to get some publicity for the pub that no one goes to. Also, this is not Lakeside.

Are they shooting it up? No, like up the valley. Oh, well, there you go then. You can't see the lake from where they are. You're over the road from like one of the river Follick. Yeah, right. Is one of the tributaries. Is that the right word for a stream that flows into a lake?

Right. On another occasion, a woman noticed some loose change on the table, the bedside table moving. Ooh. Well, that's pretty creepy. Mm. I don't know. There's lots of silly reports.

It's rubbish, isn't it? It's Halloween. Right. It's work, though. Good publicity. Yeah. There's social media manager. Other side of the world.

We went to the other end of that lake. I'm saying plenty of lovely places in Scotland boycott this lake. It's rubbish. Why? Because the lady was... Oh, she might not even work there anymore. It was a few years ago. Tough.

Don't miss out on a whole beautiful lake just because of one lady that you might not meet. Yeah, I wouldn't run off the hole. I mean, there's lots of lakes. You've got choices. And lots of ladies too, so they're not all like...

And just down the road, that's Stirling Castle. Do you remember Stirling Castle? Absolutely not. They had that real massive sword. No, because I was sulking in the back. I wasn't looking out the windows because I'd been told off.

He was. Flesh, Va I was sulking in the back. I wasn't looking out the windows because I'd been told off. He was. Fleshforn and Megan, the podcast. ZM. A video is online of a car. Now, if you've ever driven north of Auckland, from what I can work out, it says Derry Flats.

I think you're that straight by Snow Planet. Oh, yeah. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Just after you're that straight by Snow Planet. Oh, yeah. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Just after you get a pie at that BP. Yum. You stop at that BP. Yep, always do that.

Or one of them monster sausage rolls. Yep. I don't know. You've got to. And from there on, that's straight there. That's from where I can work out. That's where I think it happened. A video was shared of a vehicle's dashboard and the speedo when they start recording

is going at 141 kilometres an hour and it goes up to 260 kilometres an hour in 20 seconds. Now the guy who had this on his private social media, his private Instagram account is saying, it wasn't me. I just like cars. Right. When cars go fast.

So I just shared a video. But the video, the car that's in the video, also appears on his Instagram account with him. Oh, right. But it's definitely not him. But he's saying it's not him because he sold that car a couple of months ago.

But then also, the video that was taken off his Instagram account doesn't have the timestamp of when it was recorded. Right. He's saying, not me. Oh, right. I like cars and post stuff on fast cars. But somebody, that was not mine.

And then now somebody stole it and gave it to the New Zealand Herald and that's a breach of my privacy. But like, I mean, enjoy the dogs. Is his Instagram private? Yes. Go on a racetrack because it just annoys me that people do this and you crash into someone innocent

that's just going about their day. Total and absolute dickheadery. Yeah, that's nuts, eh? Wild, beyond disrespect for anybody, like there's a barrier between the lanes going the different ways there, but at 260, if you hit that, you're going over it or through it or ripping your car in half and scattering remains into the path of others, let alone the people that are on the same side of the road as you,

who if they're doing 100 kilometres an hour, you hit them, the difference between that, 140 kilometres an hour. That's nuts. It's like two cars going 70, crashing head on. If you crashed into someone when you're going 140 kilometres faster than them. That's crazy. Come on, man. Come on's crazy. Come on, man. Come on, guys.

Come on, man. I'm not saying anybody listening has done 242 kilometres in an Audi. I don't think my car would do it. A bit like... Sometimes my car, I'm like, oh, man, I must be speeding. I look down, I'm like, nope, 100. That's good. That's good.

I'm glad that you... Because your car's got the shakes. It just goes... You're like, okay, 100. That's good. That's good. I'm glad that you... Because your car's got the shakes. It just goes... You're like, okay, buddy. I got you. You start hearing all those holes where the rain comes in. Yeah. Yeah.

You're like, whoa, that's going fast. Oh, the ghosts. I've got to slow right down now. The ghosts are here. Fletchborn and Megan's Community Notices. Hello and welcome to Community Notices, a segment of the show where we see what's happening on your local Facebook page or neighbourly or community group, and we share it with the world. We get a little bit of a barometer of New Zealand's feelings,

New Zealand's attitude, New Zealand's mood by these. And let's start off with items for sale in Hallandsville and surrounding areas. That's the name of this page. Okay. I believe it's their first appearance. Oh, okay. This, their, their, their, what do you call the first one? An inaugural?

Yeah. Inaugural. Appearance. It's like Andrea, but it's got an S on the end. Andrea's. Andrea's. That's it. Andrea's. Andrea's. Has's got an S on the end. Andrea's. Andreas. That's it. Andreas.

Has a cat basket for sale. Okay. What a nice looking cat basket. Wicker. Is that what you call like that lock? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's a wicker basket. Is that a wicker basket?

Lovely. Cat basket, $10. Now that's not bad. Bargain. Clean cat basket for sale. Our cat doesn't go in it because he's a snobby prick. So someone's splashed out on an aesthetically pleasing cat basket there and the cat's tent knows about it. He's not happy about it.

Like the time I splashed out for a cat scratching pole and it didn't want a bar of it. They just keep scratching the couch. Ruined my couch on every corner. That's the problem. Next up, the Te Atatu Peninsula Facebook page. Marie says, excuse my language, but some arsehole walked into the primary school that we bought and punched my dog right in the face.

Oh my God. The man had no right to lean over my fence and punch the dog's face. I ran into the school after my brother said someone just punched the dog in the face and I couldn't find the man. I'll be looking out for him because I don't doubt he will walk out the same way. My dog does bark a lot, but it still doesn't give you the right

to punch him in the face. Yeah, does the dog want to press charges though? My dog's one of my kids and you just pissed off the wrong mama. I don't know if the dog wants to press charges, but it sounds like... I would absolutely come for someone if they like hit my dog in the face. Your they, like, hit my dog in the face.

Your dog? If someone punched your dog in the face, there'd be no more dog left. Broken. I'd be like, I die now. Today's the day I die. Yeah. Next, let's pop down to Nelson, where Stephanie has put a photo up of her lower half. Okay.

Including... What? No, I'm just intrigued where this lower half. Okay. Including what? No, I'm just intrigued where this is going. Okay, yeah, lower half. I'll describe it from toes up. Okay. Anklet sock paired with casual walking shoe. Okay. Up, bare leg, up until thigh where there's sort of a,

it's a camouflage pattern but not camouflage colours, pink, blues, purples, short. And in front of those shorts are a bum bag, a fanny pack. Okay. Okay. A fanny pack with, you know when you're doing exit moulding in the bathroom and you just go crazy with exit moulding your black undies

and then later on you look at your black undies and they've got like bleach splotches on them. Yeah. So that's the pattern I would describe on this fanny pack. Okay. Stephanie writes, if anyone sees this fanny pack on someone else in Nelson, punch them in the face and take it back.

Stop punching things in the face. There's a lot of face punching. Good Lord. Stop it. Punch them in the face and take it back. Some F-WOD. Yep. I don't know if you've heard,

I think I've heard that F-WOD teamed up with WOD before. Yeah. Dick WOD. It's usually WIT. Yeah, F-WIT or Dick WOD. Yep. I don't know if you've heard, I think I've heard that F-WOD teamed up with WOD before. Yeah. Dick WOD. It's usually WIT. Yeah, F-WIT or Dick WOD. Yeah. Some F-WOD stole this out of my car this morning and it was my favourite of all my fannies. So an older of my, she just sees all of my fannies.

Also check because they make more than one fanny pack of the same colours. So don't punch everyone in the face with your fanny pack. Yeah, check that it's... I mean, it's a very unusual design, but I wouldn't say it's completely, you know, just by itself. Next from the youknowyou'refrommartinwhen...page. It's Martin, M-A-R-T-O-N. Lynn writes, one of my turtles has escaped.

Wellington Road, Mill Street area. He has swollen eyes and is on medication. But could be anywhere. Turtles do travel fast. Well, he can't see where he's going. Well, turtles are much faster than tortoises, I believe. Right. Okay, so the story lied to us?

No, there was a tortoise in the air. It's just me assuming all turtles are tortoises. All shelled amphibians are slow. Can they actually go quite fast? Turtles can move. Right. Especially if there's water. It's got swollen eyes.

Jeez. So if anybody from Martin finds Lynn's turtle, you'll know it's Lynn's because it's got swollen eyes. Great. And finally, from the Franklin Grapevine Community Information Sharing Group, Mel's not happy, to the filthy pig who pissed all over my car. You're on camera. This is what I'm saying.

We take a barometer of the nation and it's not good, is it? It's not pleasant today. It's not a pleasant feeling overall. You're on camera, so because you enjoyed busting it out, you won't mind when I send your footage on to the cops. Use an effing toilet, you goddamn animal. So that's just a warning. If you peed all over a car in the Franklin area,

the police... I'd be taking that to Wash World straight away. Oh, I'd go through the machine. I'd give my car the deluxe wash. Someone will see urinate all over it. Yeah. Those are today's community notices. If you see anything on your local Facebook page,

screen cap it and send it to ours, FBMZM on Facebook. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. It's bird of the year time, baby. I love how every year it seems to be more of a thing. Yeah. Like last year, wasn't there some rigged voting? There was some real controversy. There was. They had a graph

of how the voting was going for each bird and then they said there was voting manipulation. Yeah. And someone had one bird like spiked massively and I think they disqualified the bird even though it had done nothing wrong. It literally couldn't do that. I think they blamed Russian bots didn't they or something? Cambridge Analytica.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Got the blame for that one. Last year, the beautiful kereru, the native pigeon. That's the reigning champion. That's the winner last year. I saw one the other weekend.

Up goes like two metres away. It's beautiful. Fascinating, aren't they? They're beautiful. When they fly past you, they're just like, because they're so fat. I don't want to fat shame the keradu, but they're always portly.

Yeah, they land on branches in the branch gives way and they have to fly off all the time. So this year you can vote for up to five. Yeah, you can pick your five. You pick your five favourite. And they've got... I don't even know half of these birds existed in New Zealand. You scroll through the list,

but I think this year I'm throwing my weight behind the ruru, the moor pork. Oh, God, I love a moor pork. Shit, they're cute. Look at the New Zealand dab chick. A dab chick? What's a dab chick? And it looks stunned. Its eyes are like, huh?

Oh, yeah. It's totally off to a bloody house party on pingas. I'm not, I'll tell you what, I'm not voting for any seagulls. They get enough chips. No, I feel sorry for the seagull because the one that's like endangered, it's hard to tell the difference. Different coloured bill,

but everyone only ever sees those other scabby ones. Oh, and they call them, right. Look at the Chatham Island mollyhawk. That's like majestic. He's a big boy. Yeah, I'm a big fan of the falcon too. Because you know, you come around the corner in your car and it's packing at a dead possum.

Yeah, and it's really hitting in. Yeah, they're nice looking. It's like, yeah, I'm just, I'm at the liver. And you're like, get out of my way, toot toot. And it's like, for God's sake, flap, flap, flap. Back I come because the car's going past. I'm going to put it out there and say that I didn't know there was three Kiwis. There's three different Kiwis on here.

No, there's more than that. There's like seven or eight different types of Kiwis. Oh, there's another one. You've got your little spotted, you've got your brown, you've got your, there's a couple of island ones. Great spotted Kiwi. Do we have parakeets as well? Yes.

Yeah. Who knew? I've got them in my trees. Who knew? You might have lorikeets. You might have the invasive Australian species, which we've got at our place and they're really cute. The minute I see one tangoing with a tui, it's gone.

Right. It'll be lights out, pretty parrot. Poo kikos are in. Nah. Mum and Dad don't like those because they get in the garden. There's too many of them. Well, what about the wecker?

Your mum won't be voting for the wecker, Megan. She bloody hates weckers. She chases them away. With a broom. Yeah. Well, you can vote birdoftheyear.org.nz

and we wait with anticipation. I'm torn as hell. I'm putting my full weight. Maybe I'm going to go get in behind the kingfisher this year. Because we did have that kingfisher that we... What a boring, that's just a big fat sparrow. Isn't that like a kookaburra?

It's from the same family as the kookaburra, Megan. No, it's not. Yuck, it's beautiful. It's got beautiful coloured wings. The moorpork. Look at its eyes. Cute, eh? We can't all get behind the moorpork.

I'm going for the bar now because it looks like it's from Harry Potter. Yeah, but that's why I don't like it. It doesn't bloody look like a kiwi. I'm racist, but it's about birds. So is that as bad? I don't know. From the ZM think tank, this is the top six. It's good to see NASA getting up to some stuff again.

Eh? After they faked that moon landing. So NASA lately have said, yeah, sure, Mars is good, but I think we've got to hit the moon first. Yeah. We've got to get up there, aim for the moon, and if you miss, you'll die. Something like that.

George Clooney in the movie. Oh, R.I.P. George Clooney in the movie. Oh. R.I.P. George Clooney. I forgot about that. It's a great movie. Anyone seen that Brad Pitt movie with the space? No. Apparently that's good though.

Ad Astra. Read too wildly. Was it that critics loved it and audiences didn't or audiences loved it and critics didn't? That's the better way around. They were at loggerheads. You want the critics to hate it but the audience to love it. Yeah. Yeah, because the audience pay and the critics get to go for free. Yeah. That's got better way around. They were at loggerheads. You want the critics to hate it, but the audience to love it. Yeah, because the audience pay and the critics get to go for free.

That's got everything for me. Brad and space. Is that your everything? Nothing else. That's all you want in life. Brad, Pat and space. A woman can survive on Brad and space alone. Yeah.

But NASA's going to be going to the moon. And they said four astronauts will stay on the moon for two weeks. I don't know why they're landing up there, but it better have some space. Snacks? Some snacks would be absolutely crucial. So they'll be doing all sorts of walks while they're there. They'll be sampling for any form of, like, water existence on the moon.

They'll be having a scoot round, and they'll be putting an old flag up to make it look like someone was there all that time ago. I'm really just trying to appeal to all audiences of the moon landing, those that believed, those that didn't. Yeah. Well, that'll be... Yeah, I'm trying to entertain them.

Yeah, if they can actually take footage of the original moon landing, that'll shut everybody up. But no, they'll just be like, Frank, Frank. Frank news. Top six things to do on the moon for two weeks. Number six, a game of Monopoly. There's a problem.

It's got to be a really slow form game of Monopoly. Okay. Like no hurry, because if you go in hot and hard, you'll have an argument on like day two. Yeah. And then you've got 12 more days stuck together, post-monopoly argument. But what if I put a hotel on Paul Mall and it floats away?

That'd be very heavy. Oh, right. Because it's one-sixth the gravity. Right, okay. But which would make rolling dice really interesting. Yeah, because you'd be like, oh, it's a two. Because the dice would bounce like. Just keep going. Dink, dunk. Yeah. Dink, dunk. Clunk, clunk. Clunk, clunk on the floor. You're like, oh, it's a two. Because the dice would bounce like. Just keep going.

Dink, dunk, dink, dunk. Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk on the floor. You're like, keep watching it. How it lands counts. Number five on the list of the top six things to do on the moon for two weeks. You could entirely miss a sunrise, sunset photo. How often do you think the sun rises and sets on the moon? No idea. I don't even know.

It's like once a month. Oh. Because you think about when you're going around the earth, that can't be right, eh? I read this thing, it said you could be there for 29 days and miss it. Really? Because if you arrive just as it went up and then down. Oh, okay. And then you're always

in the sun. It's always daytime? Yeah. Yeah? If you were in... On that side It's always daytime. Yeah. Yeah. If you were in. On that side. On that side. Yeah, right. Yeah. Huh. So you could entirely miss like an ultimate grand pick, which would be an ultimate shame.

I mean, I'm sure your grand picks are going to be great. You're on the effing moon. Yeah, sure. But sometimes, babes, you need that sun, like sunset light. Yeah. Because otherwise it's a bit samesy, you know? Yeah. Moon.

It's the golden hour. Yeah. Number four on the list of the-sy, you know? Yeah. And it's the golden hour. Number four on the list of the top six things you could do on the moon for two weeks. Finally get round to writing that screenplay you've been putting off for years. That idea you had for a movie. It's all in there. You've just got to get it down. Get it on paper. Number three on the list of the top six things to do on the moon for two weeks.

Make people on your Facebook who went to Bali to get away from it all and reconnect with themselves feel like real dicks. Oh, you went to Bali. That's nice. I went to the moon, bitch. I saluted the sun on the moon. Yeah, I did a moon salute for the sun salute and then a downward dog

on the moon too. Number two on the list of the top six things to do on the moon for two weeks. Blame another astronaut for all your farts. You'd have to get in early when you first swam, be like, oh, who was that? Wouldn't it just stay in your suit though? No, because when they're in the shuttle, when they're doing the moonwalk, that would be the way to tell who it would be when they get back in

and take off the helmet. A lot of fart smell comes out. Right. How does the gas disperse in like... In lower gravity? I don't know. I don't know.

Probably. Well, it's not like we fart on Earth and it falls to the floor. So it's not like a really heavy... It's not a heavy gas, is it? The methane-y. What have you Googled farting in space?

Well, apparently every fart is a ticking time bomb. The gases in farts are flammable, which can quickly become a problem in a tiny pressurised capsule in the middle of space when your fart gases have nowhere to go. Well, I couldn't be an astronaut. Well, you couldn't be an astronaut. God, no. I'd be an International Space Station disaster.

God, you make our radio station capsules smell bad enough. I know. It doesn't explode. And the number one thing you could do if you were stuck on the moon for two weeks in today's Top 6, work on your moon accent so when you go home you can talk about your OE to the moon and an accent so people know it happened for real.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know what a moon accent is. Maybe it's slower and bouncier. Like you're walking on the moon. God, you're only there two weeks. I know, man, but it really changed my life. That is today's Top Soap. Flesh, Vaughan and Megan.

The podcast. ZM. A child has won a lawsuit in America. A child or a child's parents? It says a child won a $170,000 US lawsuit. Yeah, a child put on a little suit and went to court and did it. Yeah. So before I tell you what it was for, that's New Zealand $266,000.

Wow. Okay. So preschool age, probably like four, right? So there's a four-year-old that's worth a quarter of a million dollars. Cool. So the preschool age child was going down a slide. And this was at a school, a New Jersey school in 2014. And she suffered significant injuries to her hand, her arm.

And she has claimed that the slide was too steep. Wait, 2014 was five years ago? But I'm assuming it's taken this long in the courts. Yeah, so they're not a preschooler anymore. No. They're a nine-year-old worth that much money. Oh, imagine all the lollies you could buy.

Because when I was that age, that's all I would spend my money on, lollies. Do you know that there's a handbook, this is in America, there's a handbook for public playground safety. Yeah.

And slides in this handbook were not to be more than 30 degrees. What are the angles like? 30, okay. Think of a triangle. It's not. I can think of, like, Sean, what about the Margaret Mayhew playground? It's got some great...

That shit's low-skirt. But I love that. It's swirly and it's steep. How do you have it real steep as long as there's a big, like, run at the end? Will it slow you down? I don't know. I'm like Google New Zealand playground regulations. Yeah, okay.

Safety regulations. So 30 degrees and this slide that she got injured on was 35.2 degrees. Oh, boo-hoo. 32 degrees. How injured? In New Zealand, 32. No, no, no. Is that what you said?

35. 35. 35 degrees. Ridiculous. Okay, slides is page 13 of this PDF. Great. There's at least 13 pages. Pages.

I thought it was just put some bark down, all those rubber mats. Yeah, and then if you fly off the end. Do playgrounds use bark anymore? I think so. Or wood chips? We haven't been to a playground for a while. What's it, Margaret Mahie? Is it rubber mats?

It's those rubber mats. Rubber mats. Slide. It's really hurting the wood chip industry, people that sell wood chips. They're not liking playground makers anymore. They're all reusing tyres and making spongy mats. Yeah, but those wood chip makers were having a free ride for too long.

That was never a good thing to run across barefoot. No. Definitions of sliders are slope which contains or guides the user. Safety requirements, freestanding slides, the maximum vertical height which a stairway can reach without a change of direction is 2.5 metres. So you can go straight up a ladder. Okay.

2.5 metres. The starting section of the chute has to be 35 centimetres minimum, zero to five degrees downwards at the centre line. So that's where you sit your ass and get ready to go. If the starting section is over 400 millimetres, so 40 centimetres, barrier requirements apply. Right. Nothing.

Oh, okay. Maximum angle, 60 degrees at any point. Yeah! And an average overall angle of 40 degrees. So it can get to 60, but the average overall is 40. So Marga Mayhe's absolutely taking the piss. Because that one, that spiral one that you go right down at Marga Mayhe. There's no part of that that's under 40 degrees.

Is that enclosed? Is it a tube? Yeah. Yeah, that'd be different, wouldn't it? Angle changes over 15 degrees should be curved, so you can't have like a sudden jump. For the first two metres in height, the radius is 45 centimetres,

and the remainder radius is over 1,000. This is very interesting. I didn't know we would have had such regulations. So we're way looser than America. And are the slides still metal? Is there like a metal slide? Margaret May, he's metal, isn't it? No, Margaret May's a plastic.

Because we've been burning your bum down there. Yeah. Oh, there was a ripper in Hamilton, the lake slide. It was this long steel slide and it was north-facing. So it literally caught sun all day. If you had that thing at about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, you'd fry an egg on it. Well, that's the thing.

Like, I mean, even like back in our day, like playgrounds were loose, eh? Yeah. Oh, we had a climbing wall and it would have been metres high. Yeah, just little things to hold on to. People fell off that all the time. Yeah. So, yeah, these regulations Must be semi-new

Because we just used to have Like a fireman's pole Yeah Oh yeah Fireman's pole From the top of our Adventure playground At primary school

But it had nothing around it So like kids would just be like Walking and talking And not looking And then they'd just be gone And they'd fall down the Onto the bark Yeah so

Well they had a tyre at the bottom But you'd just like Slam into that thing That did nothing So that actually After two kids broke their arms, you think about two kids at a 40-kid school, it's quite a high percentage. 5% of total pupils with broken arms from the fireman's ball,

they had to put a guardrail around it to stop you being able to fall. Right. Yeah. But maybe we take some calls. Complete the sentence, back in my day, the playgrounds were dot, dot, dot. Tell us about the loosest playground you can remember as a kid. The aspect of it that was crazy.

And maybe it messed you up. Maybe you got third-degree burns from a stainless steel slide. On your bum. On your bum. Yeah. How bad was the playground? Give us a call. 0800-DARLS-AT-M-9696.

Playgrounds. Where bones were broken. Where dreams were made. Or ruined. An American kid has won a quarter of a million dollars suing the preschool where his slide was at a more than 30 degree angle. Supposed to be 30 degrees in America.

It was 35 degrees. Whereas New Zealand, we've done some research, slides can be a lot steeper. Which is fantastic. 60, but on average from start to end, 40. Yeah. So they can have a really steep bit as long as they have like a long run at the end.

Yeah, that's what I said, to slow you down. Having kids, do you think that playgrounds are better or? Yeah, they're better. Yeah. They are better than they were. I don't mean safer, I just mean are they cool things.

Oh yeah, they're better. Like flying foxes are, like my kids are like, oh yeah, flying foxes are cool. Like, but they're everywhere. Like when you were kids,

there wasn't, they weren't everywhere. Flying foxes was like. But they're not as long as they were. Because when we were kids, if there was a flying fox, it was bloody long.

Yeah. Like so much so when you got to the middle between the two posts where the support was the least, your ass would drag on the ground before it picked up again. Only the fat kids. I won't be fat shamed some 30 years after. After the fact. But they're shorter now. Yeah.

But they're great playgrounds. You know the playgrounds that are really good nowadays? Those water playgrounds. Where you get to make dams. You crank the turbine and the water flows in and you can make a dam and send it that way or that way. Those are cool. Like the Margaret Mahie playground. There's one of them at the Margaret Mahie, yeah.

Oh, so good. Yeah. So we want you to complete the sentence. Back in my day, playgrounds were... Shelly. Back in my day, playgrounds were. Shelly, back in my day, playgrounds were. Bit dodgy, I think. So what was the worst ride you remember? At our school, we had a swinging log.

We had one of these too. Oh, yeah, same. And it was on chains. So there was two poles. Like a battering ram. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Holy shit. Like they would use in Game of Thrones to run up and batter through the defences.

Thinking about that now, what was the point of that? Like, what were you supposed to do with it? Stand on it? Sit on it? Hold on? You meant to walk over it when you, while I was, or you'd sit on it and just ride it. Yeah, we used to have like 10 kids on it and somebody else pushing it. But, you know, it gained so much momentum,

kids would fall off or other kids would just randomly walk past and get taken out by a giant, it was basically a giant fence post, like three metre long fence post. Yeah, like 100 kgs of loaded momentum catching like a 30 kg kid would just send them flying.

Absolutely. We also had like a 30 kg can would just send them flying. Absolutely. We also had like a second story platform, which was basically to jump off. It was two stories high. Yeah. I remember jumping off the roof of our playground. The teacher's like, don't jump off the roof. We're like, well, why did you put a ladder up to it?

Yeah, definitely broken arms. I tried a couple of times. I thought maybe I could do this, but no, I was never game enough to do it. I just ended up sliding down the massive, the fireman's pole, which again was quite high. Not safe. Shelly, thanks. You called some text messages. Back in my day, we had a maypole in our playground, heavy ropes that spin in a circle,

so off the middle pole that rotated at the top and you just run and then it got so bad that the light kids would come off the ground and they'd be almost vertical going so fast but they couldn't let go because if they let go

they'd fly away. Oh my gosh. And that's the good stuff. Loose. When some kid has absolutely no control over the outcome of how they exit a ride, that's the good stuff. Lots of reports

of big steel slides. Now apparently there was one at the Lights Festival Playground Fletch in New Plummet. Oh yeah, there was one at Kawaroa as well. It was stainless steel, it was long. Yeah. You'd fly off that into the rocks. It seems like stainless steel slides

were the order of the day because apparently there was one in Nelson as well, Megan. A massive one on the corner of Songer and Main Street. I mean, yeah. Yeah. In Stoke. And somebody else said one day somebody wrecked the slide at the bottom and they just whacked it back together,

but part of the stainless steel was sticking out and all the kids that went down with their hands on the outside were just slicing their hands. But rather than fix it, somebody just put a sign up saying, keep your hands inside the slide. Oh, my God. Loose. Yeah.

Somebody said, I recently took my kids back to a playground that I grew up playing on. And they were like, this place, this is really dangerous, Mum. And I was like, no, this is how playgrounds were. This is how playgrounds were. Jumped on the flying fox halfway down. Arse just dragged along the ground. I got very bad arse grazes.

Good times, eh? Good times. We had a three-story high tower with a flying fox that went across a lake. So if you fell off the flying fox into the lake, you had to be able to swim out. Well, you're going to hold on, aren't you? Yeah.

You're not going to fall off. And someone said they didn't do that. Someone moved here from Belfast in Northern Ireland and they said back in the day in Ireland, playgrounds were like chained up on Sundays so you couldn't use them. Because what, you had to church or something? Yeah, right. No fun on Sundays? Like the swings were... That's when you were off school.

The swings were padlocked to the side of the swing. That's actually terrible were off school. The swings were padlocked to the side of the swing. That's actually terrible. So sad. It was a great day for playing. The America's Cup is now New Zealand's Cup. On his team, the Adams. Oh, beautiful connection.

Long black celebrating already. Sports talk. Where we talk about sports. But we're not talking about rugby. No, we've forgotten about that. But we're going to talk about rugby. No, we've forgotten about that. Moving on. No. Moving on.

But we're finally ready to talk about cricket again. We are. And joining us on the phone to talk about the return of Black Clash. There might be some Black Clash involved. Who knows? Which is happening in Napier. Cricket versus rugby. Stephen Fleming, good morning.

Good morning, team. How are you? Good, thank you. Good, good. So who's playing next year? Who have you chatted into this? We're going to have the big dramatic relief over the next couple of months, which is David Higgins and Duko's plan.

But we have got Nathan Astle, Grant Elliott, who are a couple of really, which is David Higgins and Duco's plan. But we have got Nathan Astle, Grant Elliott, who are a couple of really good New Zealand players, and Graham Henry is picking the All Black side. And I've heard so Kieran Reid is wanting to come back

and Aaron Smith. But there's some form questions there, obviously. So Graham's got some work to do, mentally and physically. But they played well last year and had a win. So they're probably pretty keen to get back and do it again.

And it was a great game to watch, wasn't it? Because I was like, oh, here we go. How good are these rugby lads going to be? But they were pretty good. Well, that's what it was like. It was a bit of playground boasting. Maybe you'd catch up or pass some of these All Blacks or even the cricket boys as well.

They'd say how fast they used to bowl or what grade rugby player they were. It was a foregone conclusion. If they'd say how fast they used to bowl or what grade rugby player they were. It was a foregone conclusion if they'd stuck with cricket, they would have been a black cap or a cricketer would have been an all-black. So it was just a case of really, OK, it's a bit of myth-busting and putting them out there. But I was actually quite nervous to understand the quality of what we were going to play against.

But they were pretty good. We perhaps took the gas a little bit, but they were pretty good. But we've now got an idea of how good they are, so we could put together probably a better team. I love that even international sports people have stories about how they could have been an All Black. It's all right, mate. You're doing okay. You've represented New Zealand in another sport. You don't need the All Black tick as well. Yeah, and it's just by choice that I didn't become an All Black. So Israel Dagg was supposed to

bowl sort of 150 kilometres an hour and he ended up to be about 120 so it was 30 kilometres. 30 kilometres went missing there somewhere. Was it Scott Barrett, one of the Barrett brothers? He was ripping it down, eh? Well, Geordie Barrett won the game. Geordie, that's right. So that was a little bit

unexpected and that's probably where the plans went a bit wrong, but we certainly know what he can do now and we'll be a little bit better planned for him. Yeah, so that was a little bit unexpected, and that's probably where the plans went a bit wrong. But we certainly know what he can do now, and we'll be a little bit better planned for him. Right, and the Black Caps today taking on England, the first T20, even though the Rugby World Cup hasn't finished. How are we looking there, do you think? Pretty good.

I think it's great, given what happened the last time the two teams played, that they're back over, sort of doing battle to kick off our season. So it's a great day here in Christchurch. And I wouldn't expect the series to be outstanding. We're just a damn good side at the moment. And almost sort of underestimated, but we're playing well and fingers crossed. Well, looking forward to it.

And tickets on sale now as well for that Black Clash. Napier the 17th of Jan. Cricket vs Rugby all the details you can get there Stephen Fleming thank you so much great sports talk

cheers guys cheers mate always good to get the tick of approval for sports talk was he being sarcastic or did he mean it Stephen were you

being sarcastic he's gone he's gone he's gone he's not a sarcastic guy not at all. Megan, you've got the latest.

We need to talk about Zac Efron's latest Instagram post. Have you seen this? Yes. Okay. Hasn't it been a wonderful podcast so far? And it's all thanks to Spark, our primary sponsor. Do you love free data? Then you will love the Spark data stack.

More data every month that you stay. Hey, guys, let's get back into that podcast. This Sunday on TVNZ2, 7.30, The Great Kiwi Bake Off returns for Season 2 and the host of the show and the host of another show, which I've heard great things about. Rave reviews. Rave reviews for Have You Been Paying Attention,

although affected for the last two weeks thanks to that pesky fire at the Sky City Convention Centre. Yeah, the studios got smoked out, didn't they? They did. Back next Tuesday, though. Yeah. Hayley Sproul, good morning. Good morning. We're not here to plug our show, Vaughan.

Well, yeah, Have You Been Paying Attention? 7.30 TV2. Hayley's the best part about that show. Yeah, thank you. Me and Ursula. She's great. She's wonderful. And then we get like a rotating cast

of guests they're great yeah so I told you as a white male I feel attacked he's the voice

of the nation on the daily so the second season lots of yummy treats heaps of yummy treats and the best thing about this season for those hardcore fans

last season we did two challenges per episode. And this season we're doing three challenges per episode, which is very exciting. Is it hard? Because we went to the filming of last season for a day, didn't we? And that was, you looked like you had to be eating all day. It's terrible, right?

It was just, honestly, it's awful. Yeah. Yeah, we get to eat so much nice food. But this year, last year, because it was the first season, me and Mads were absolutely insane when it came to the eating. We just ate everything, all of everything. And this year we were like, be better than that. So if there was something we wanted to eat, we tried it.

We'd nibble. Just a little nibble and then we'd walk away. It's so hard though. That's willpower. That's like wine tasting where they're like, rinse around, spit it out. It's so hard though. That's willpower. That's like wine tasting where they're like, rinse around, spit it out. No.

Yeah, yeah. I've swallowed. It was awful, but it's down. Yeah. You've swallowed every course and be like, I've been very slow. I can't see you anymore.

I can't. Yeah, I can't drink any more wine. So we've decided that because you're coming in and you are hosting this show. Co-hosting. Co-hosting. We would bring in some of our baking.

Wow. I see three plates before me with a very classy paper towel over the top. Yeah. We wanted to hide. We wanted you to like reveal it. Okay. It's not like we have any like lace,

like doily covers or anything like that. Okay. So will you tell me who made what? No. Or is it a blind taste? It's a like we have any lace doily covers or anything like that. Okay, so will you tell me who made what? No. Or is it a blind taste? It's a blind taste. Are you a baker yourself? Are you pretty good in the kitchen?

I'm actually quite good in the kitchen. Okay, so you do know what you're talking about. Yeah, I'm probably a better cook than I am a baker. Baker's a real science and I'm more of like a pah, pah, bit of that, bit of that. You know, chuck it in, cut it again. Oh no, you've always got to follow the recipe. No. Oh God. That gives me a lot of anxiety.

Okay, shall I reveal this first plate? Plate number one. You won't be able to see this at home, but I've really revealed it. Oh wow. That's a great sound effect. Okay, what I'm seeing is just two chunks of... Don't laugh! Okay, hang on. Blind tasting. Blind tasting.

You're not supposed to defend your cookie to, like, the deaf. How dare you speak ill of that baking that could have been done by any of us? Is this... Okay, well, I won't ask questions because it's totally anonymous, but I'm guessing this chocolate, this square of chocolate is caramilk. Yes, it might be, is it? Yeah. I'm going in.

Okay. She looks a bit tentative about it. Well, it is 8 o'clock in the morning to be eating chocolate. Okay. You kind of had to pull that away. It didn't break off. It's gooey, but it's how I like my bickies.

Yeah, you can't go past the gooey biscuit. She likes ginger, Megan likes ginger nuts. You're absolutely out of your mind. I've spent too much money on my teeth to be eating those things I would say that is

it takes me back to a Subway cookie You know Subway cookies? The white chocolate cookies The white chocolate ones in there Really gooey chewy I think that's a lovely texture

and I've also never tried caramilk before so there's always a first time for everything What? What is wrong with you? I don't know When anything's hyped up, I'm like

No. No. I refuse. Okay, I'm presentation wise, it's a bit flat. Don't laugh when you say that. It's alright. It's tasty. Okay, number two. Wow.

Okay, a little caramel sort of brownie number, which feels very cafe-esque. Thank you. It looks mass-produced and unloved. Excuse me, mass-produced? Well, mass-produced, you'd make it in a tray. Oh, wow.

This is so gooey, I want to say it's underbaked. Excuse me! Oh, no, we're not defending, are we? It's totally anonymous. But is it too gooey? Like if I'm just texturally, if you see, you know. Oh yeah, but that's how I like my slices. That's how I like mine.

I don't like any resistance to my teeth. It's a brownie. I don't like any resistance. It's a brownie. It's a brownie, okay. My jaw's very weak. I want my grandmother to be able to eat this, and she would be able to. Mow that up.

It's tasty, it's rich. It would need like a cup of tea, I reckon, because it's quite strong. You couldn't eat a whole one, so yeah, minus points for that. Okay, number three, which looks quite small. Wow. Wow. That's good.

This looks so much like a factory-made hundreds-and-thousands cookie. That's good. This looks so much like a factory-made hundreds and thousands cookie. That's the trick. Does it taste like one? Hands down the best. Yes. Oh, they're crying out loud. Hands down the best. So I'm going to mark this.

This is the clearly factory-made hundreds and thousands cookie first. You can't win with a factory made cookie. They are legitimately my favourite biscuit. The caramilk second is very good. Yes! And the cafe bought

brownie third. She owns a cafe. You remember when I said at the start of the show that you were the best thing on Have You Been Paying Attention? I take that back! I take it back! Also, can we disqualify Vaughan because you didn't take part? I don't have a kitchen. This is true.

What was I supposed to do? I could have brought in some fried chicken that I made the other day, but I didn't think it was... You go on about how you can do everything on the barbie. A cookie barbie. A barbie cookie. Probably possible. Really great work though, guys. Next season on the barbie. A cookie barbie. A barbie cookie. Probably possible. Really great work, though, guys.

Thank you. Next season. I don't know, maybe next season. Maybe. Oh, God, no. Some contestants in the making. Also, is it worth touching on before we finish, is that where it's filmed, what's it called?

Kalahara State. Kalahara State. Puketutu Island. If there's an easterly breeze, you catch the downwind of Auckland's effluences. Of the waste management plant. Yes, you do. And it's a unique smell.

And it really wafts with the baking. Right. Yeah. Merges nicely. Hope judging time isn't during an easterly. Bit of a poo cookie. Maybe. Yeah.

Because it looks amazing. Oh, it's gorgeous. The location's fantastic. But yeah, I just thought to add to all the senses of seeing, tasting, smelling. We're visceral eaters, you know. We sort of, we smell, we taste, we hear. Yeah. So it really helps.

More biscuits, more biscuits. Hayley, thanks for popping in. Hey, great to be here, guys. Great baking. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan, the podcast. It's been a long dream of mine. Ever since I found out what Gilmore's did

to get a Gilmore's card. Now Gilmore's for those that don't know, Megan you shop at Gilmore's because you have a cafe like bars and cafes and shops. Dairies and. They shop, that's where they shop for things in bulk. Yeah. So it's like a supermarket. Big tubs of sauces and massive cans like I didn't know they sold.

And all you need is a business. And baby, I've got a business. You don't even need to be in the food service industry. I'm not a business man. I'm a business man. I've got a business. Oh my God, you actually have a card. So I sent away and applied for it Can I get one of these?

Of course you can But my business does nothing to do with Doesn't matter It doesn't matter Okay I'm getting one It doesn't matter It doesn't matter Because god your photos were turning me on

Oh mate I was aroused Well you're a bulk buyer That's why you would fizz Oh when you sent me that hot wings Those litres and litres that hot wings, those litres and litres of hot wings sauce, I was like... Five litre jug of Frank's, which is like a legendary hot sauce.

I need it in a moment. So they said, come in, have a shot, we'll print your card. So I went in and I was like, I'm here to pick my card. And they said, we'll print it off, have a look around, come back at the end of things.

And I walked around. It was so lucky Sade called me when I was walking around. I was about to say, how many unnecessary things did you end up with? I'm walking. And because this week I fried chicken. Yeah. Yeah. And then lo and behold, here's three and a half kgs of batter

that you just add water to and you can make your own fried chicken batter. And then besides that, there's like some crumb you can add water to and you can make your own fried chicken batter. And then besides that, there's like some crumb you can add to it. Yeah. And I'm just like, well, obviously I need both of these. Yeah. So they're in the trolley.

What about that photo you sent of that giant bag of cheese? I've never seen a bag of cheese. Five kgs of grated cheese. I was like, ah! Four. And if you bought it, if I worked out the price,

you're paying block price for grated cheese. You know grated cheese is always twice as much per gram. Shut the front door. I know. As a block, now you can buy 5kgs of grated cheese for the price of 5 blocks of KG cheese. What about the lolly section? Because remember that time Megan brought me the big marshmallows

for my birthday? So I bought a 2kg bag of fruit bursts. Did you? For Halloween. Why didn't I go to Halloween? Oh my God. I can't. Why didn't I go to Halloween? Oh, my God. I can't believe you didn't. Amateur.

And then I said to the kids, you got that bag of fruit bursts when we were going round to our friend's place? And they're like, yep. And then we get there and they don't have it. So now I've got the demon in my house of a 2kg bag of my favourite lollies. I can't have that.

Can I give out lollies to kids on a day that's not Halloween? No. Absolutely not. But what if I go to their house to do it? No. And that's also frowned upon. Also, yeah. Good to know these folks.

Well, so it's been a good day. Oh, it was. Well, no, it was a good day, but it would have been better if Sade hadn't called. Here's a five kg bag of San Remo pasta. Did you buy that? No, but that's like, my kids eat so much pasta, I'm definitely going to buy that.

I don't know what tiger skin paste is. I assume it's something to do with the bread. Yeah, put it on the top of the bread. Five litres of that. That's nuts. Here's 15kgs of shortening, because I'm all about shortening at the moment. I'm not frying anything in oil anymore.

I'm on a shortening buzz. Right, okay. That's a box of animal fat. That's a 15kg box of animal fat. Here's that Frank's Red Hot litres and litres of hot sauce. That's a gun photo. That's not. That's just my slug gun. That's not a bad gun. But you know, like Colby grated cheese.

God, that was getting the bulk purchaser in me so fired up yesterday. You would be fizzed. Everything, like cleaning supplies. Yeah, and bulk. Like Jeff. There was a five litre thing of Jeff. That's more Jeff than I've used in my whole life.

Right there. Should we go after work one? Oh, 100%. Go back. Put it all back. You've got nowhere to put it. And I said, when this kitchen's finished, because she's kitchen designer, she's making all the calls on the kitchen. I said, it's bulk purchase time, baby. We're having...

She's like, it's bad if you buy animal shortly, we'll be deep frying everything. I said, it's bulk purchase time, baby. We're having... She's like, it's bad if you buy animal shortening, we'll be deep frying everything. I said, I'm failing to see the bad previously mentioned in the sentence. Friday flashback. You know what? People are going to roast me,

but I don't care. Oh, yes, you do. I've got thick skin. No, you don't. I'll take it all. I'll take your hate. No, you won't. That's why you've been going on about it all morning.

Guys, is this a good idea? Should I do this? Oh, I don't care. I don't care. When the microphone's off and no one's looking, I might cry. He's trying to reverse psychology, you guys. Am I? I don't know.

So you get supportive. Today's song is 10 Years Old. It came out in 2009. Now, this song... Sorry, I just clicked on the right tab. This song was number one on the Billboard Top 100 for two consecutive weeks. So, Billboard number one is a big deal. Yeah, you make a bit of money on that, don't you?

It was number one in Australia, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, the Netherlands, Norway, Ireland, Sweden and the UK. It was only number two in New Zealand. Oh, do you know what stopped it getting to number one in New Zealand? Unsure, but we might be able to find out. It was around July, August of 2009. It is described, once I say this, you'll totally know what the song is. The song is described as a little song about bugs

not being able to fall asleep at night. A little song about bugs. Wow, that's asleep at night. A little song about bugs. Wow, that's the best description. Do you know what? I think this is just the kind of song we need to make ourselves feel happy about Friday. Is it? Okay.

The song angers me. Stop hating. Stop hating. Well, actually, the number one reason I'm playing this song is because when I was throwing out some suggestions, Megan said, I hate this song. So I was like, well, I'm playing it. Because there's nothing more I love than riling up Megan. And it is your Friday flashback song today,

Owl City, Fireflies. Come on. You would not believe your eyes If ten million fireflies Lit up the world as I fell asleep Cause they'd fill the open air And leave teardrops everywhere You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep Cause everything is never as it seems Cause I get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they try to teach me how to dance A fox trot above my head

A sock hop beneath my bed A disco ball is just hanging by a thread I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cause everything is never as it seems When I'm asleep Leave my door open just a crack It's never as it seems When I'm falling asleep Leave my door open just a crack Please take me away from here Cause I feel like such an insomniac Please take me away from here

Why do I tire of counting sheep? Please take me away from here When I'm far too tired to fall asleep To ten million fireflies I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes I got misty eyes as they said farewell But I'll know where several are If my dreams get real bizarre

Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep Cause everything is never as it seems I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cause everything is never as it seems I'd like to make myself believe That planet Earth turns slowly It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep Because my dreams are bursting at the seams. Because my dreams are bursting at the seams. It's absolute poetry, Megan. It's our Friday flashback today, Our City Fireflies.

Okay, spew the hate. There's actually quite a lot of support on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You reverse psychology to everyone. No, I's actually quite a lot of support on the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You reverse psychology to everyone. No, I just know people. God, people will say, is this what the other side of 40 looks like? So, now that burn is going to stay with Fletch all weekend.

You're some good tits. Give me their number. It's a hot, hot burn. Well, this song is just as bad as my current lactose Passing through an upset stomach That's some good text This reminds me of supermarket night shifts And wondering where my life went wrong Ouch

This song's only 10 years old It feels like 100 years old I'm pretty sure this is my nana's favourite song At the turn of the century Oh my god This is worse than that time you picked Nickelback And that's That wasn't you

That's when you picked Nickelback No, no, you picked Nickelback Don't you dare Don't you dare There are some nice ones What a goddamn tune Not a lot of songs about bugs, in my opinion. Thank you.

Bugs, insomnia, and fireflies. It has everything, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Someone said, that just reminds me of annoying children in 2009. Okay, well, let's move on. We are picking out all the bad ones. There was a lot of positive. Great choice.

I needed that today. Thank you. How good. Great choice. Great, thank you. You've ruined my day. Thank you. How good. Great choice. You've ruined my day. Thank you. A favourite of the time.

Love it. Fletch, you loser. So, I mean, those are all nice. I hate this song so much. Okay. All right. I need to go home now. Intern Anya, you went to a funeral this week.

A funeral. I did. I did. A family friend. She had a long life. She had a good life,. A funeral. I did. I did. A family friend. She had a long life. She had a good life. But it was time to go. Mate, you're not voting her off New Zealand Idol.

She's dead. Good Lord. You had a good run, but that wasn't your song. Yeah. You're dead now. I was trying to be positive. Wow. You know, yeah.

So that was the thing. That's how it started out, you know. Yeah. The death. And then, this is sounding a lot savage. Unlike life, it started with death. The story. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. R.I.P. So, R.I.P. Went to the funeral. Yeah. And it was a beautiful, beautiful service. Okay. We sang some songs.

Any good songs? How great they are? Have you ever thought about a funeral song for your funeral? What would you have? I can't remember. Miley, Party in the USA. No, we discussed this. I've got it written down somewhere. I really must go see the lawyer, get the

will updated. Because your music taste has changed. Because it's changed, yeah. God, I'll probably have Maroon 5, this love. I don't want to be buried to the sultry tones of Adam Levine. Oh, my God, I did. Horrible. This love is taking its toll on me.

It's taking its toll on me. Well, I'm dead, aren't I? It has. It's taking the ultimate toll. It's like saying to Sade, I've just had enough. I'm tapping out. It leaves me on every night.

I know that's in my mind. Oh, there we go. Fletch found it. Eventually. We got there. There is a couple of very sexual lines in here. I don't want to let my grandkids be in there and be like,

oh, yuck, friend, yuck. Just everyone be in there. Yuck, y oh, yuck, friend, yuck. Just everyone being there. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck. I'll be like, I should have updated my will. Anyway, there's no Maroon 5

at this funeral you're at. Sadly, no. Sadly, no Maroon 5. I'll turn it off then. And it was an outdoor funeral. So we are standing around outside. Risky. Luckily, the Lord had good weather.

She's not recording any music, so it's nice that she could give you some good weather for the day. Oh, Lord. I thought you meant That's so bad. Do you know what? I thought you were being woke. And saying, oh, we've got a female. Our Lord and Saviour was a female.

Alanis Morissette. The Lord's gender fluid. She played God once in a movie. Dogma. A classic. So, yeah, so good weather. We're standing outside, and I'm standing next to somebody that let's call Mavis.

Okay. Mavis is probably mid-s i would imagine so she's next she's getting no that's what my granddad he's dead now but here i see oh you go to so many funerals isn't that sad he's like nah it's good you do your research oh my god jesus i do have this weird view on death for the whole thing. Like inevitable, so why not try to have fun? But anyway, Mavis is standing next to you. So Mavis is there.

I don't know Mavis. I haven't met Mavis before. It's been hot this week. Is Mavis going down? What? Storm, I love Mavis. Don't disrespect Mavis. So family friend is, you know, going down into the ground, right?

So she's there. The priest, what do you call a funeral homie? That guy. It's funeral homie. Funeral homie. You got your wedding celebrants and your funeral homies. Yeah. So he's saying some lovely things, you know, we're wrapping up.

Then Mavis just goes. What? With her mouth? No, with her rear end. Oh my god. Was that a Was that a Was that a

Oh no. And unfortunately I don't know if Mavis knew that that had happened. So I would have just jumped in. Yeah. If I was Mavis.

Trying to keep it together. You know when you're biting everything inside your mouth trying not to laugh. And what do you do? Don't you create pain? Aren't you supposed to pinch yourself or bite something?

Pinch your webbing and your fingers. I was doing all of the things. And then it got to, you know, the moment where, you know, she's going down. She's deep down and we're about to, you know, maybe head off for a cookie or a tea. Yeah. And we're really wrapping things up.

And Mavis wrapping things up. And Mavis goes, again. And I'd say maybe like in a sequence of about three of them. So. Did you? Because I would be happy, people. If you're right next to Mavis, someone around may think that you're responsible for that. That did cross my mind. I was like, Mavis, someone around may think that you're responsible for that.

That did cross my mind. I was like, Mavis, two metres away. But I think what you're describing is an old person fart, though. Like raspberries. They're not horses. Oh, wow. But you were trying not to laugh. It was so hard.

It was so, so hard. Not the best moment to be caught giggling. No. Me and my best friend were standing there just looking at each other like, oh, oh, oh, Lord. So, yeah. So hopefully that doesn't happen to us when we're Mavis. Probably will because we'll all be deaf. Because it's like when you're at the gym with your headphones on,

you think you'll just let out a little fart because you can't hear it. But everyone looks at you. And you're sweaty. And have you found since having your what? Why did you flare up your eyes like that? No, I'm just like, where are you going with this? Have you found since having your butts, your butt lasers? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a bit more clappy. Again, too much info. Too much info. Good lord. It is because the hair was a muffler of sorts, but now it's a bit more like... A pop sock. We should take some calls.

It's a different game altogether. We should take some calls now on those awkward funeral moments. Those funny moments at funerals. Putting the fun back in funerals. Maybe they weren't meant to be funny. But they were. Like maybe... Maybe you can look back now and laugh.

Yeah, you can look back now and laugh. But at the time, there was a gasp. When the handles fell off the coffin or something and they dropped it or I don't know. That's a poorly made coffin. I bet it would happen. I bet it would happen. Thank God that would happen.

Coffins dropped or just inappropriate moments at poorly made coffin. I bet it would happen. I bet it would happen. Thank God that would happen. Coffins dropped or just inappropriate moments at funerals. Maybe an inappropriate memory shared in front of a congregation. Okay, give us a call. 0800 Dials at M.

You can text 9696. Well, Intern Anya had an 80-year-old fart loudly at a funeral. Multiple times. Multiple times. You want to know when there have been

funny moments, awkward moments at a funeral that you've been to. Ross Boss has wandered in. He's been, you want to know when there have been funny moments awkward moments at a funeral that you've been to Ross Boss has wandered in he's been you went to one where it wouldn't fit

in the hole the coffin yeah like the the head part got stuck they didn't dig a wide enough hole and the feet

just started tipping down tipping down tipping down and they had to stop it but at my grandmother's funeral about 10 years ago bless June

so we had done the whole funeral. She was really old, it's fine. And we're carrying the coffin back to the cemetery to bury it with my grandfather, been there before. My Uncle Graham, classic Uncle Graham, he's walking behind and then he just went, and lifted his arm up and jolted the coffin. He goes, shit, she's still alive.

Uncle Graham. Now, for those that have been to Paul Bearer before, it's heavy. Very heavy. But Grandma, she was very old, very small. So like it wasn't, you could feel movement. Oh my God, she moved in there. And I know what she looked like.

I'd seen her in there and I knew what she looked. I was like, mate, what have you done? Very funny 10 years later, though. He did the jolt and now she's on his side. She's probably on his side. She was a side sleeper, though, so that's good. He probably did her a favour. But she's probably got a numb arm.

I hate waking up with a numb arm in the morning. She's dead, Fletch. Oh, sorry, Ross. She'll never wake up with a numb arm again. So there you go. There's another good thing about it. Yeah, lots of positives. So your awkward moments at funerals.

Tony, what happened? Yeah, so I was quite a young fella, and my parents had asked me to take my grandparents down to Thames for a funeral. Okay. So it was my grandmother's sister, and she was sort of pretty upset. We got there, and it was an outdoor one with the whole dark and everything. Yeah. And her son was rolling drunk.

He was sort of wailing and pretty upset. Yeah. And he's leaning over, and then he trips and fell on top of the coffin. When it's down in the hole. In the hole. Oh, no. So, yeah. Yeah, the nana needed a special class last today.

Oh, my God. God. Because I remember before my nana's funeral, mum's like, have a drink. And, like, it's 10 o'clock in the morning and mum's pouring you a whiskey. She's like, that's it. How could get out of hand? Yeah. It's rolling quite steam.

But I might have another one actually. Mum, I'm going to get through this speech. All right, here we go. Mimosas at breakfast. Thanks for your call, Tony. Holly, what happened? Hi, I was at my boyfriend's funeral about three years ago. And they had just put the coffin on like over the hole where like the straps are.

Yeah. And we were doing like where you spread the dirt like all the dirt on top of him and whatnot and i lent down to sort of we put his footy boots on top and i lent over to touch them and i knocked the um the i don't know what like the switch for the um things to move him down yeah and. And he started coming down, and I was just in panic mode, didn't know what to do. Eventually found the switch, and he was halfway down, and we had to leave him there because we couldn't bring him back up

for everyone else to do their little ceremony. Oh, there's no reverse. There's no reverse. No. They unstrapped those Velcro, those big Velcro hooks, and then they just winded up. Yes. Oh, my God.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry or... Yeah, but I guess now you can look back and laugh. I feel like everyone will forgive you for that. Yeah, yeah. I definitely laugh now. Oh, my God. All right. Hey, thanks.

You called Jess. Jess, another Jess. No, that was Holly. Jess, good morning. Hi. Hi. Good morning. What happened?

So we were at a funeral with family members, and an elderly person got up to speak at his funeral and started talking about a police officer, and the person who had just died was actually a butcher. So we sat there for half an hour listening to a speech for this man who was a police officer, but really... Oh, my god, brilliant. A eulogy for someone else.

That is amazing. How long did you let it go before getting up and being like you talk about the wrong person. Well, people were looking around like do we get up and say something because we're trying to like take it down

but we ended up just waiting until, like it ended up being funny but it was like oh my god, for a start what do you even do in that situation? Oh, that's hilarious. Jess, thanks for your call.

Some text messages. Somebody asked me to a funeral where the hole wasn't big enough at the top for the coffin to get in. And then so someone got on their hands and knees and looked under and said it gets wider once it gets past that initial bit at the top. And so everyone's like, well, what are we going to do? Does anyone have a spade? No.

And then Dad was like, well, I say we just stomp on it until it gets past that top bit. So literally the pallbearers all stood and stomped a corner edge until it got past the top bit. And then, yeah, sure enough. Make it fit. It fit once it got past that top bit. Oh, my God. Brilliant. Somebody said, I'm a funeral director and my name is Brilliant. Somebody said,

I'm a funeral director and my name is Mary. Hi Mary. Hi Mary. Handles falling off, boots of hearses opening and flowers falling off happen all the time.

It's never funny till the family's leaving and then we have a laugh about it. A guy called Michael messaged in. He's like, I don't want to go into it but I fell into the hole. Oh my God. My friend's son got to pick his dad's funeral in. He's like, I don't want to go into it, but I fell into the hole. Oh, my God.

My friend's son got to pick his dad's funeral song. He was quite young and picked Intergalactic Planetary by the Beastie Boys. That is a jam. Oh, my God. In fact, that's my Friday flashback next week. Lock it in now. You can't play this. You can't play it, Owl City.

Shut your face. Just because you keep picking dubs. Excuse me. Intergalactic, an absolute classic. You can't play Beastie Boys. What do you mean? Excuse me, I play absolute classic. You can't play Beastie Boys. What do you mean? Excuse me, I play Fleetwood Mac too. You can play Beastie Boys.

You always scoff at the ones that people like the best. I'm beginning to think you're not. What was that song called? Intergalactic. No, it's not in here. You can't play it tough. Oh, I will play it. I will play it.

We'll find a way. A way shall be done. Some other things. We're talking about awkward moments at funerals. Somebody said, we went to a funeral where it was in a different language entirely. We went because it was one of Dad's employees. And the only word we could understand was Dad's name would get said every so often. Right.

Like quite a bit. And we were like, oh, this is full on. And then they called Dad up and opened the coffin and were like, have a look. Dad's like, okay. And then they shut it. Dad stood there and then dad had to go and sit down and me and my brothers were just like cracking up when dad got back to us. Somebody said, oh, we had a funeral where the person who died had a secret family and a few of them turned up to the funeral. That was good stuff. It was great. It, and a few of them turned up to the funeral. Whoa. That was good stuff.

It was great. It really added a bit of drama to an otherwise boring funeral. Somebody said, everything went wrong at my auntie's funeral. The priest walked out halfway through. Right. And then the funeral director lost his paperwork, so he didn't know which hole they were supposed to put my auntie in Because there was a few holes dug

And it rained heavily So the hole was filling up with water And we were like, well, we better just pick a hole Just chuck it in Because it's starting to fill up with water Fact of the day, day, day, Tay, no. Like. Like. Someone had to have done their vocal warm-ups. Red lorry.

Red lorry, yellow lorry. Red lorry, yellow lorry. Rhubarb marmalade, rhubarb marmalade. Get that mouth moving. I don't want any laziness in this choir. We're never going to get to the glee finals if you guys don't take this seriously. Take this more seriously. Well, you might remember, was it yesterday or the day before,

I had a fact of the day about China's shortest serving emperor. Yes. Well, I was actually called out on it by somebody. Did you make something up? How's this? So this person that called me out's name is Jian Genghis Khan. What? Genghis Khan. Wow, okay.

The famous Mongolian restaurant. Yeah. Like the head of the Mongolian, yes. The famous Mongolian restaurant. Yeah. Like the head of the Mongolian, yes, a Mongolian barbecue restaurant named after thus. They said the shortest running emperor

was only a few hours and like, they were like, you're emperor now and then the Mongolians killed them. Ah. Take that.

That was in 1234. Your story still happened of the dude who got very excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was the longest person to see out of day, I guess. So is this the fact of the day today? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, I haven't heard back from Jeanne, but I was doing some, just some general rabbit holing.

Okay. That's where I go on Wikipedia, look at one thing and then click on all the little blue words and then I end up learning something else. So in the time of Kubla Khan, which is also a great name. Let me tell you, do you want to know a little bit about Kubla Khan? Is this like,

is the Chinese government sponsoring factor of the day this week? No, because they built the wall to keep the Mongols out. Oh yeah, they did too. Okay, that's cool. They don't want, they don't have Genghis Khan all-you-can-eat Mongolian barbecue buffet restaurants

in mainland China. to be our new Vanuatu port and then all of a sudden China's got an aircraft carrier in our studio. No, no, no, no. Fact of the day, brought to you by Huawei.

Let us know what you're up to. Wait, thanks. No, this was, what you're up to. What? Thanks. No, this wasn't. So Kublai Khan, which I thought was like a Marvel Comics character of some way, but he wasn't. He was the leader of Mongolia at one stage. In the time of Kublai Khan, the largest navy in the world,

the Mongolian navy, the largest navy in the world. The Mongolian navy. Right. The largest navy in the world. Now, there was the invasions of Japan, and that happened in 1274, so quite a while ago. They lost a lot of their ships. So that was the peak of the Mongolian navy. Right.

In 2001, the Mongolian navy had seven members. Okay. And only one knew how to swim. I would have thought it would have been a prerequisite for being in the Navy, knowing to swim. No. Okay. Seven members and only one could swim.

So why don't they have a navy now? The other saddest part is that their navy's base is a lake. They can't even join the stuff happening at sea. Because they're on a lake. They have one boat. Yep. In 1990 the Mongolian

navy had one boat. Yep. The Supatar 3 and it was stationed on Lake Kovsgol which is the largest lake they have but it's well inland. Right.

And it had seven men so it was officially the smallest navy in the world. Right. Then they were like well I don't see the point in paying for this so it was officially the smallest Navy in the world. Right. Then they were like, well, I don't see the point in paying for this, so they privatised it.

And to cover the Navy's expenses, they do lake tours. But a reminder of the seven men working on that boat, only one can swim. So it'd be like if we privatised our Navy and then Terai Islander took over. And baits themselves on Lake Taupo. Sure.

That's how that would work. Sounds great. That would be our New Zealand Navy. So today's fact of the day is in 2001, the Mongolian Navy only had seven people in it and only one could swim. Fact of the day, dayughan and Megan, the podcast. So, study has been done.

In fact, it was by two universities. The University of North Carolina and the Aber... University in Wales. Aberystwyth. Just say a university in Wales. A university in Wales. Sure. They've done 28 studies and they studied 5,000 people.

So that's quite large, eh? Is that quite large? That's a big sample size. Sure, yeah, yeah. They found, so they were looking into who's funnier. You know the stereotype that men are funnier than women? I didn't know that was a stereotype. Yeah, but don't people make jokes about female comedians and stuff?

What if they make such great jokes about female comedians? Why aren't they? They should be the comedians. Exactly, yeah, exactly. And we have some fantastic female comedians in New Zealand. But the study, so this is how they went about it. They were asked to write

a caption for a cartoon. So these participants and every caption was put forward with no reference to who had written the caption. Right. And 63% of the time the men were funnier than the women.

And the sample size was exactly 50-50. Do you know? Like, was it 50% male, 50% female? Must have been. Must have been. It would have had to have been, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah. So 63%. Now, I don't know if these were comedians. Oh, yeah, just everyday everyday people maybe but yeah if they were comedians maybe that would be yeah that would be

better wouldn't it you'd think so study all the comedians and then the people who are actually like in that industry and actually funny people I don't know

what to say to this feels like a trap to me feels like a trap an absolute trap I just think that's also an unnecessary study yeah that's a good call like why even bother it's just like someone was like yes no I just think that's also an unnecessary study. Yeah, that's a good call.

Like, why even bother? It's just like someone was like, yes, no, I do think men are funnier than women. Let me figure it out. Let me waste some university research funds on this. And two different universities.

But yeah. I mean, we, again, have great female comedians in New Zealand. Exactly. Let's just leave that there. As long as I can attest to because he does a show with...

Oh, some of the funniest. Yeah. Some of the best. Some of the most grounded. Ursula's way funnier than you. I was trying to be supportive and then she attacks me. No, you're on your own, mate.

I got science back here. ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, why not give ZM's Bree and Clint to listen to? Subscribe on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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