ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Megan Podcast - November 06 2018

Episode Date: November 5, 2018

Vaughan is a low-key hoarder, Geoff Rissole from Shit Towns of New Zealand is in studio and when did you cheat at school?See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello there and welcome to the Fletch, Vaughan and Megan podcast. Thanks to Spark, where you can get a new Nokia on a prepaid rollover pack starting from $19. Now, on with the podcast. Thanks, Anya. Good morning. Welcome to the show, Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. I thought you were taking a vested interest in the midwifery pay negotiations and strike, but you were just trying a new flavour of lip balm. Because during that story, Fletcher's like, mmm. And I was like, that's good.

He's taking an interest. Midwife, very important job, but no, he's just trying a new flavour of lip balm. Wait, did you just lip balm both of those? No, I haven't used this one because we got sent some. You smudged your lips over both of them. What flavour was the first one? Department of Soul. What flavour? Cherry. Cherry natural lip balm. Did flavour was the first one? Department of Soul. Book on it?

Cherry. Cherry natural lip balm. Did you use the cherry one? You love a cherry flavour. So there's this one's left, mint. I don't want that. It's like, oh, someone else have the one I don't want. I don't want one that's like toothpaste.

This is pineapple. Oh, I could be into this because I really like pineapple. You get the mint by default. You can have pineapple if you want. I don't really do lip balm. You don't, do you? No. Do you get chapped lips? Nope. You can have pineapple if you want. I don't really do lip balm. You don't, do you? No. Do you get chapped lips?

Nope. You've just got luscious lips. I've just got 24-7. Moist. Don't they say the more you use it, the worse they are? Yes. That's probably why Fletch always needs it. Oh, but I know, but if I don't use it, I get real dry lips.

You've got to push through. It's like if you're on a desert island. And don't they say that about shampoo? Like if we just stopped using it, we wouldn't need it. Like our natural oils would clean our hair. Yeah, yeah. But you've got to go through that real greasy phase. You do have to push on through.

That's where you need to be. You need to do this when you're unemployed. Yeah. When no one can see you. You don't need to impress anybody. You're just going to spend six months getting back to your natural state. No lip balm. No shampoo. Minimal washing, no shampoo, minimal washing.

Yeah. Minimal washing. All right, you lot, listen up. It's story time. Story time. Three news headlines for three interesting, unusual, quirky, odd news stories that I've found online. Vaughan and Megan picked one of the following three headlines.

Headline one, cop caught napping on the job. Headline two, Mervert's worst part of the job. And headline three, drunk man exits cup day. Timely because it's Melbourne Cup Day today. It is, yeah. We drove past the police officer yesterday on the side of the road. We were like, whoa, slow down, okay. And look, as we drove past him,

it actually looked like he was having a wee nun eyes in the car. Just pulled over, had a wee nap. At least put the seat all the way back so that people can't see you. But they say if you're tired, you should pull over and have a rest. So maybe that's what happened. Yeah, but not during work. I got pulled over the other day. Did you?

Yeah. And you know how we were talking to someone in Christchurch and they said, oh, it's never completely random. They've always got to have a couple of red flags that make them pull you over. You were texting. No, I would love to know what my red flags were.

You just looked dodgy. Was that the red flag? Well, maybe because what car were you driving? I was in the Honda and it's a little rough looking but West Auckland, like it's classy.

West Auckland classy. That's what I was going to say. It looks nice for that area. Yeah, it does. I don't know. I had my wife in the passenger seat. Yeah, right, okay.

Did we look like a drug running couple? Yeah, maybe. Well, maybe he just wanted to check if you were brother or sister or actually husband and wife. We don't look like brother and sister. Maybe if you're wearing a singlet, you wanted to check if you were brother or sister or actually husband or wife.

We don't look like brother and sister. Maybe if you're wearing a singlet, you might have looked like you were abducting him. Maybe. Maybe. He didn't say. And what did he say

when he got there? Got your license on you? Yeah. And I was like, yep. And I gave him my license and he came back. He's like, all right, mate. Your car?

Weird. I was like, yep. And he's like, okay, see you later. I was like, weird. Weird. Like I had a... Maybe they're looking for someone who stole a car or something. I was like, yep. He's like, okay, see you later. I was like, weird. Weird. Like I had a... Maybe they're looking for someone who stole a car or something. Maybe I fit a description.

Yeah. Ooh, you should have just asked him. Yeah. I wish I had now. That would bug me now. Yeah. He looked like he was young. He looked like he was relatively new to the force.

Oh, okay. Like a crisp... And he's by himself. Oh, okay. So they just let you go by yourself when you're new. I don't know. Yeah, the traffic cops Oh, okay. And he's by himself. Oh, okay. So they just let you go by yourself when you're new. Yeah, the traffic cops

are by themselves. Well, his mate might have just been having a nap like you said, and they get tired. True. He's like, drop me off at the station,

I'm going to have 45 minutes. So I'm guessing not that story. We've delved into cops sleeping enough. Yeah. Do you want Mervitz, worst part of the job,

or Drunk Man Exits Cup Day? What is Merv you want Mervitz, worst part of the job or drunk man exits cup day? What is Mervitz? Mervitz. You want to delve into Mervitz? Yeah, what's a Mervitz? It's like a pervert, right? You are correct, Vaughn. Do you want to do that?

Are we going there? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Mervitz. Okay, we go now to the UK where a professional mermaid is being bombarded with what she calls unwanted attention from merverts.

Men who have a sexual fetish for the aquatic creatures. Stephanie Norman is 32. Yeah. We've got these mermaids in New Zealand. Do you remember Brianne Clint caught up with that woman who's a mermaid? She does mermaids. And she's got a proper mermaid tail and stuff. Goes swimming.

She does mermaids. And she's got a proper mermaid tail and stuff. Goes swimming. Is there still that establishment mermaids? There was one in Auckland and one in Wellington that I know of. I believe so. There may have been more. They're not around anymore, eh?

Because I never went in. Are you sure? Didn't they swim in a tank? Yeah. And they had mermaid tails on, eh? But their boobies were out. Was that the vibe? I never went in.

None of us obviously went in. No. The mermaid. Yeah, they're still around. Still around. Yeah, you just haven't been. Don't say they're not around. No, no.

I didn't say they're not around. I said, are they still around? The mermaids will flap out of the tank and come for you. Oh, okay. Well, anyway, Stephanie Norman is 32. She is a mermaid. And she performs as a mermaid. She's got a $25,000 collection of tails. Wow.

Good Lord. How many tails is that? Like five tails? Are they five grand each? I don't know. They must be expensive. That's US dollars as well. Well, she's attracted the attention of cybercreeps,

asking her things like, I want to hump your belly. One told her, you're delicious sauce that compliments fish particularly well. Yeah. Another man said, That's not a particularly mermaid perverted thing to say, is it? Comments like, But then that's what they can do because she's swimming all the time. My problem with those is that even though you've got a tail on,

you've still got knees under there. The tail still has a bend. As soon as they can make knees more flowy, then I'll be into it. But that would be all how you swim. That would be up to you as a mermaid. Yeah. To work on your technique. Yeah, but your legs can't go like that.

Your knees bend. Then you get a bend in the tail. But don't you just kind of like, you'd move it from the hip. It would be hard. You'd need great core strength, but you could move it. Like strap your legs together hard. Yeah. Well, I guess the tail does that. Yeah. But that's not even very clear. They need to get more

pun like, I'd love to Neptune you up. That's a good one. Because of Neptune. I'm sure she's heard it before. Apparently, some of them she's had to go to the police over. Oh, really? Maybe the ones she's not talking about. Yeah.

But yeah, she said she'll post it. Like people threatening drift nets and stuff. She'll post a video on YouTube and that's when it happens. Just come in waves. Waves, good one. Waves, yep. Good one, good one. Waves, yep. Good one, good one. You could get caught up

in a good Netflix show because it's like caught in a net. She spends 25 hours a week. I feel like you dragged that one in though. Oh, I thought it was good. No, it's good. It wasn't really good. Now see, that was more about fishing than it was about mermaids.

What's the other word for Neptune? Poseidon. Work on that. I don't know. Because one was Greek and one was Roman, but they were like the same god of the sea. Okay. The thing that I said,

a man are a third more likely to get than woman is their driver's license the first time. Oh, controversial. But does it say why? So more than half of men pass their practical driving test first time. That is compared to 39% of women. And for the theory test, 64% of men pass the first time compared to 54% women.

But we're better drivers. So how does that work? No, you make less insurance claims. Yeah, but doesn't that mean we're better drivers? We have less accidents? No, it might mean you drive less. No. I always drive in my domestic car.

Who drives when you and Mr Toyboy go out? I drove yesterday But most of the time? But he's not over 25 His insurance has to be through the roof

I wouldn't have him driving at all This is You're walking a fine line in this conversation Why? Because it's not true

I would say it would be a fair assumption to say women drive less than men. No, I don't think so. Do you think if they're in a relationship and it's one car? Yeah. You're going somewhere together. If you're going to work and everything, sure.

They would drive every day. Everybody drives the same because you've all got to get to work or whatever. Okay. But most times when you're going places, the male would drive, right? I don't know anyone that would split it 50-50. What about here? I split it 50-50. Producer James, if you and the girlfriend went out,

would you be driving or do you share it? No, I like to drive. I always suggest that I drive. Right. But if she's like, no, I'll drive, then I'm like, oh, sweet. You let her drive. Because I'm always like, you drive, and Shado's like, no, I don't want to drive, you drive. Right. But if she's like, no, I'll drive, then I'm like, oh, sweet. You let her drive. Yeah.

Because I'm always like, you drive. And Sharda's like, no, I don't want to drive. You drive. I don't want to drive. I drove her from Taupo at the weekend. Yeah. And then I drove yesterday. So I would say it's 50-50.

Really? You're a 50-50. What about you, Anya? I'm jealous of that. With the boyfriend. It depends if I'm in the mood for an argument or not. If I'm like, slow down. Stop going there. That's mood for an argument or not. If I'm like, slow down. Stop going there.

That's the thing that annoys me because I'm like, you drive. She's like, I don't want to drive. You drive. But then she drives by proxy. Go there. Slow down. Wrong lane. Wrong lane.

Take the executive position. Yeah, yeah. Some sort of producer role in the driving fiasco. And how do you know that there's not some kind of stigma? Why are you making that face? Well, I don't know. I turned around and I'm talking to Anna and I was confronted with you being like, and how?

When females go to get their driving test, do their driving test. Might be some kind of stigma as women drivers. Do you think you're judged more harshly than men? Perhaps. Perhaps you are. Generally, we're better drivers.

That doesn't make sense for the theory test, does it? Because the theory, they did worse, didn't they? Yeah, they did. Did you read that? No, no, no. Fletcher's right. I was just thinking of the practical one, but it said, yeah, on the theory,

men pass at a rate of 64% on their first time compared to 54% of women. I mean, that's only 10%. That's not a huge amount. And I'm just going by the fact that I'm a better driver than Vaughn. And actually Fletch. Fletch is pretty scary too. Oh, yeah, no.

You're both actually pretty scary to drive with, so. Never had an accident. I haven't had an accident, but I crash into things all the time. But we all agree. God knows how you haven't had an accident. That's because I don't care about my car. If I liked my car more, I'd probably take more care of it.

We can all agree that Vaughn well knows to tail at some stage when he's on his phone. How has it not happened? It's a miracle. But yesterday I was backing out of a car park and I was like, do I look? I looked in the rear view mirror and I just started going back really slowly. So if there's another car, they'd see me moving.

I was like, I don't hate this car, but I don't love it. You guys have like real just loose confidence. And then like you just really roll the dice that you can do everything. You're like, oh, I'm good. I'm good. Do you know what I mean? You can do it, yeah. You just have like ballsy confidence.

Yeah, it's madness. It's just. And that's why we pay more for insurance. Yes, we do. Today's top six are the top six things you'll hear around the workplace today because it's Melbourne Cup Day. You'll have office sweepstakes and stuff. Blah, blah, blah. So, number six on the list of the top six things you'll hear office sweepstakes and stuff. Blah, blah, blah.

So, number six on the list of the top six things you'll hear today at work because it's Melbourne Cup Day. Is there an office sweepstakes? How much? Can I owe you it? Because I don't carry any coins. What's the legality behind an office sweepstakes? What's the maximum prize that can be won?

Someone Google that. That's interesting. That happens every year. Yeah. I saw a story yesterday. It's like, how do you do a sweepstake without breaking the law? Because there's a total prize pool, right? Every year.

You have to have a... It's a thousand bucks. Yeah, it can't be over a thousand bucks. Which is easy because... If you're putting in $2. $2 max, right? No, but if you work at one of those places, like, I don't know, like a stockbroker, Wall Street place or something. But then you do it within your... places, like, I don't know, like a stockbroker, Wall Street place or something.

But then you do it within your... Oh, you're saying bigger amounts. Yeah, I'm saying like their high rollers, you know? Because how many horses are running today? You know, like Housewives of Rimuera Brunch Club. They might put in like 500 each or something. Right. Good Lord.

Just because they're bored and their husbands are at work and they don't feel the love. So that's how they get some excitement. So they get his attention by... Spending his money. Spending tons of money and he doesn't even notice. He doesn't even the love. So that's how they get some excitement. So they get his attention by spending his money. Spending tons of money and he doesn't even notice. He doesn't even notice.

What will it take? What will it take? God, I'll switch out with him for a year. I know. Just ignore him. Yeah, but you'd have to sleep with the old mate husband.

Nah, he's got prostitutes. He'd be too busy. Oh, yeah. All those prostitutes and his office sex things. Okay. Number five on the list of the top six things you'll hear at work today

because it's Melbourne Cup Day. Has the horse running happened yet? Did I miss it? Number four on the list of the things you'll hear at work because it's Melbourne Cup Day. When do we start drinking the trampers? Susan, it's 8.30. Again, I'll ask.

When do we start drinking the shrimpers? There's always a Susan. Yeah. Tucking it at lunchtime. You're like, I didn't think we were doing that till after work. The race doesn't happen until after 5 o'clock. A mid-morning mimosa? I don't think you can.

Okay, sure. You maybe check first. Number three on the list of the things you hear around work because it's Melbourne Cup Day. Do you like my fascinator? I've worn it to work to really spice up my outfit. Is it the best fascinator in the office? Is it better than Catherine's?

Catherine always spends way too much money on a fascinator. I made mine at home by myself. Really, it shows. Get back into those mimosas, Susan. And number two on the list of the top six things you'll hear at work because it's Melbourne Cup Day. I don't support this barbaric animal torture. Yes, that's me.

Wasn't that just Megan 10 minutes ago? Megan giving us some stats. Have you still got those stats? I do. Do you want them? Because you're going to be like, okay. No, I totally agree. I agree.

I find it weird. This is factual, so you can't argue with it. I find it weird that everyone has a go at rodeo, but yet horse racing, no one really lays into it. You know what I mean? But they lay into the horses. Just spare this a thought today. Nearly all the horses in the race today will experience bleeding in the lungs.

50% of the horses racing will experience bleeding in the windpipe, and 89% of the horses will have stomach ulcers, and all of them will be thrashed by a whip. And they always have to shoot a couple, don't they? Yeah, one got shot or one died last year. What horses experience today is what Fletch experiences most weekends. Jesus!

Ouch! No way! He's into some stuff, but he chooses to be. The horses can't. Yeah, that's different. The horses can't. What are you talking about? I'm getting signed up for that.

Ouch! If someone had me, I'd be like, what are you doing? Ow! I've got tuberculosis! And the number one thing you'll hear around the office today, because it's the Melbourne Cup, it's because it's Melbourne Cup. Who won?

Did I win? What was the winner's horse name? What colour were they wearing? Who came second? Did mine come second? What's a quinella? Did I win the box trifecta? I won nothing.

Nothing again. I'm not doing this again next year. It's a waste of money. That's today's top six. The Haunting of Hell House. Hands down, scary. It's on Netflix at the moment. Very scary. Have you started this, Megan? No, I'm not going

to. It's too scary for me. At all? No, I don't think so. I have nightmares. I have nightmares all the time if I watch scary things. I don't, I, no. No. No, no, no. Everyone says it's really scary. I'm like, that's not for me. I don't normally find stuff scary because I'm always like, ugh,

it's rubbish. It's not real. But like, it's so suspenseful, this show. It's very scary. It's making people sick. Some people can't watch it. And you've finished it, Vaughn. There are 10 episodes. Correct. And they're roughly about an hour long each.

Is there ghosts that give you frights and stuff? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And then when you're finished, you watch the... Yes. Someone's put a montage together of all the hidden ghosts in the background. So there's just like background ghost faces. I didn't see any of them, to be honest.

So scary. I've seen a few of them. But I think those are meant to be seen, right? These ones, some of the ones in that video are literally standing right in front of the camera half the time. So researchers at the University of Westminster have discovered that a 90-minute scary movie can burn 113 calories. So that's the same as a 30-minute walk. So the university says They tested 10 films So they did really scary films

Like The Shining Was like number one Really? I've seen that Yeah And the big old hotel Yeah You can actually visit that

In real life Yeah It's a real hotel Yeah That would be amazing to visit And yeah The pulse quickens The blood pumps around

The body faster The body experiences A surge in adrenaline Because I get sweaty I went to see that new Halloween and I got sweaty. And you breathe. When they say you burn fat, isn't most of it come out in carbon dioxide?

Oh, right. You breathe out. So if you're like, or like me, you smother your face in a pillow. So you really have to work hard to breathe. So the shining that got people most in the study burnt 184 calories. In 90 minutes.

And however long the film was. Oh, right. It's quite a long film, though. So if you were saying that there are 10 episodes at an hour, how many calories is that? 600? Okay, so the whole season. Right, yeah. But then, like, the other day, I watched a couple of episodes with, like, so the whole season.

Right, yeah. But then like the other day, I watched a couple of episodes with like Maltesers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, burning chocolate. So that kind of probably, I'm back in negatives. No, it's like neutral calories then

because you're burning and you're putting them back in. No, I know the way he eats Maltesers. Do you know how many calories in a whole bag of family? Because I'm making family bags now. Isn't it like a thousand calories? A bit bigger, those ones.

Family bags. Yeah, they're a lot bigger. I don't have a family. I was going to say, you're just yourself. I have a witness like, how many servings per packet? Like 10. You're at the supermarket buying all the bags of family Maltesers. They're like, how are the kids?

You're like, oh, good. Great. Hungry, obviously. Oh, it's beginning to look a lot better. the kids you're like oh good that's great hungry obviously oh it's beginning to look a lot like christmas hello the hello 48 days away from christmas 48 48 days away that's insane i've got a uh this one's fresh out of the oven. This sighting of Christmas. Okay. This is, ooh.

Ooh. Still hot. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Blowing it a little bit. Shauna has messaged in this morning at 6.40am. Okay.

A tender 13 minutes ago. Okay. From time of broadcast. Yep. Some actual Christmas penetration. Christmas tree farms now open for business, trading real life Pinus radiati. Is it too soon to put a Pinus? On the Kapiti Coast.

Yeah, would they last? Because I know you can put the water in the tray and stuff. You would have to have a green finger to keep it lush and green. Until Christmas. Until Christmas. But maybe you can go and pick it and like reserve your Christmas tree and come back closer to the sun. Oh, because you want a good shape one, eh? Yeah.

Yeah. It's hard. It doesn't matter. Sometimes if you're putting it in a corner, like ours goes in a corner. It doesn't need to be lush on all 360 degrees. It can just have a really strong side. Half a good side. And you just push the ugly side into the corner.

I think that's why I'm over the top with my Christmas tree because we used to get them like a couple of days before Christmas and there was only the real sparse, manky ones left. Yeah. And there was no good side. My great dad cut us a branch off a pine tree once. It was all like bent because they'd go off. They'd go off.

Stuck on the... That'll do. When are you putting your tree or your crap up? As soon as I get a moment. Or more than a moment because it takes time and consideration. So this weekend? No, today if I get time. So like today will you put the tree up but then not fully decorate it?

Would it sit around half? Or you need to do it all at once? All at once. It was supposed to go up at the weekend but I was busy. Always put it up on the 1st of November. I love that I'm going away because I don't have to deal with any Christmas crap. My house isn't full of junk. Christmas crap?

You're so... You've got to take it down. No, it's... It's the best time of the year. You're over the top. You're over the top. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Other spotting sightings of Christmas.

Michaela got in touch and said, remember, remember the 5th of November. That was yesterday. Yeah. Because it's the day the bloody off-risk Christmas decorations went up. What? Hashtag, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Oh, that's a shitty decoration.

That's early stage. That's early stage. It's festive coloured balloons. No, that's too soon. And a long string of... Point for trying, but... What do you call... Like the stuff fake Christmas trees are made out of

when it's in a long string. It's like tinsel, but it's not. Like a reef. Yes, like an unfilled reef. Yeah. I'd just call it tinsel. But it's not, because tinsel's tinselly. Yeah, tinsel.

Okay, yeah. I don't know. It's like the same stuff. Some other sightings of Christmas from around the place, the place being Aotearoa, New Zealand. Somebody said they received their first official plastic bag, although we're not, like, you know. Yeah.

But this is one of those thick plastic bags that you could totally use again. Oh, yeah. Okay. And it takes twice as long to break down. That's the one. Choked twice as many dolphins. It says, wishing you a very merry Christmas on it,

and it's an official retail plastic bag. Oh God. Wow. Okay, it's started. Nicole's been in touch and said an issue to raise. Northlands Mall and Christchurch were playing Christmas music on repeat. I heard one Christmas song and I was like, who?

Then it was another one and another one and the entire time I was there it was Christmas music. I don't know if they were testing their playlist or what. No, I think they've switched over their playlist. It's happening. Don't they? They should in November do spot plays and then in December do full playlists. Slowly start feeding it in.

Well, it's not the only place. Hayden got in touch and said he went to Sylvia Park. Massive decorations and songs. Their big tree must be going up soon because they have a giant tree. Who had a big tree? Somebody said Newmarket had a very large Christmas tree. Newmarket and Auckland's Christmas tree is up. I need to go now before it gets too busy

to check out all the Christmas decorations. Somebody on the North Western motorway took a photo of this bus. Now on the buses it usually says where they're going and what the route number is but this one just says Merry Christmas. Oh, too soon. Too soon.

What? I don't know. Are they testing me? That's weird. Are buses allowed to say Merry Christmas? Too soon. Ryan wants to know, when are we kind of thinking about buying our Christmas hams? This one came in right at the end of October. Because in Countdown Upper Hutt, they've got a special part of the fridge dedicated to Christmas hams.

Should we be buying them? You always buy them right before Christmas because they put them on special. But then you don't want to... But then you don't want to miss out. Yeah, you don't want to miss out. There's always heaps. Do they get manky if they sit around?

You know when you leave a bit of shaved ham in the fridge for too long? No, they're covered in salt. They're covered in salt. Right, cured. Those are probably the last four Christmases. Kim wants to let us know that Christmas penetration must be getting very real as an ad popped up for those big buckets of Christmas cooking time cookies.

Oh, I got that. Oh, when is that? When do they always get the student job search paper later coming in those bloody T-shirts with cookies all over them? We only just finished our last year's bucket. What's wrong with you? I don't know. It's one of those things you put at the bottom of the cupboard

because it's so big it can't fit on a normal shelf. And then you forget about it. And then you forget about it and you spot it and you're like, kids, a bucket of cookies. And then they've eaten like eight and you're trying to be a responsible parent and you're like, okay, two more. Nice round 10. What's your favourite flavour?

Three, two, one. Apricot. Apricot chocolate. Yeah. Fletch? No. What's your favourite? Just plain chocolate.

Why? Because you're so basic. I don't want apricot. What's your favourite? Just plain chocolate. Why? Because you're so basic. I don't want apricot and it's all chewy and gets in there. No, but it's very Christmassy. No, yuck. And Tash says, A Christmas penetration spotted at the Sam Smith concert in the merchandise... Port-a-com.

Yeah. A little Christmas tree right in the corner as well as a Santa. I had to take a photo. It made me very happy. Was that up when we got our sheer T-shirts? No. I can't remember. Jeez, Sam Smith's not mucking around.

$65 for a T-shirt. I bought Sam Smith merchandise. It's official. Snacks. Sam UL Smith. How much did you pay for your sheer T-shirt? $50, but sheer's an icon. And now I'm too scared to wear it because I'll have to explain

why I've got a woman. Because my Cher T-shirt's her backwards. With her big bum. With a bum. And she's wearing a G kind of situation. And for people who know it's Cher, it's an iconic photo of Cher. But for those who don't, I've got to explain why I'm... A bum on your shirt.

Yeah, why I've got a bum on my shirt. So with all that in mind and 48 days away from Christmas... Right now, Christmas penetration is at... 93%. It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. We need to address something in studio, and it is our friend Vaughn. But don't say, you said mankiness.

It is mankiness. That's not right. What's the actual definition of mankiness? Like dirty? Did I get it right? Manky. Manky. Yeah, I'd say so.

Dirty. Mankiness. Manky. Urban dictionary. Pure mankiness is commonly observed in the hallways of a middle school where children slide their sweaty hands across various bacteria-infested surfaces. So it's like dirty.

It says mankey, an official dictionary definition, inferior or worthless, or dirty and unpleasant. Dirty and unpleasant is the one we're going for. Because if you just lift your leg up onto the desk one time, when was the last time you washed your jeans? Not that long ago. What's not that long ago?

Like, like the start of last week. Do you have a problem with that? Well, here's the thing. I don't wash my jeans hardly ever, to be honest. Hardly ever.

But your jeans, he's wearing light-coloured jeans. Yeah, I always wear dark jeans. That's the problem with these jeans. I like these jeans. They're light-coloured jeans, so any time I drop, I don't know what that is, sauce? Hot dog sauce? See, if you're dropping light tomato sauce on yourself,

they need to go on the wash, unfortunately. Red felt? I don't know what that is. I think we're doing some colouring. I've got some red felt on. And there's like A general brown tinge To your otherwise A light wash

Blue jean Satin chocolate Oh my god That's grim I'm pretty sure That's chocolate Don't look He just scratched it

And licked it I had a fair indication That it was chocolate Yeah maybe you need To go for darker jeans But I've got darker jeans Can you just give them a cold wash? It doesn't really affect,

especially when they're light faded jeans. I don't like washing jeans that much. Why? Because they, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You don't wash jeans that much. Because I don't know.

I mean, if I spilt something on them and I really had to wash them, I would wash them. So the thing is, people don't want to wash black jeans because they get faded. Those are faded jeans. Why don't you want to wash them?

Because they'll fade even more. Then you'll have white jeans. It's just slowly wearing the material out, isn't it? Yeah. So you don't want to wear the material out, but you'll wear chocolate on your bum. No problem. Maybe you need to just start some spot cleaning. How do you spot clean? I don't know, but

just get a wet flannel. Get a flannel. And just dab, dab, dab, dab, dab, dab. I can't believe you're not on board with this. No, I'm, I'm, I think you should spot clean. Okay, I'll spot clean. Just put them in the washing machine, please. What does your wife say about your chocolate bum? She doesn't care. She's used to

it, eh? She's got bigger fish to fry. I've got bigger fries. She doesn't know where to start. Well, my interventions failed because I don't have anyone on my side. She's done well, though. Like, she's got you up to scratch, mostly. She's done a pretty good reno.

Yeah, from when you started up to now. Because remember, you had flared jeans. You had girl jeans. Yeah. I started to wear girl jeans. Guys can wear girl jeans. Okay, here's an interesting thing I'd like to put forward., you had girl jeans. Yeah. I'm sorry to wear girl jeans. Guys can wear girl jeans. Okay. Here's an interesting thing I'd like to put forward.

You've just reminded me. Okay. Yesterday, I was getting some stuff out of the boot of the car. Okay. But it was like right at the front of the boot. So I'm bent right over. Some guys drive past in the car and yell out, yeah, girl. And I turn around to which they're obviously then surprised

because a man with a beard is looking at them. And they're like, oh, God. Like, oh, God, I can't call the man. And I was like, and I yell out, thank you. That'll teach them. Yeah. But my butt is around. I'll get right over.

I'm going to get right over. So I was like. Jesus Christ. Because my legs were a little bit afar. It wasn't that of you. James, just as a heterosexual man, can you look at that and just tell us what you think there? What, my first thoughts? You you do have Bend back over.

You do have quite like slender legs. I know. Maybe it was the legs. Maybe they saw the legs. Bend back over again. I would actually take it as a compliment

because I've been doing a lot of the stair machine. Yeah. Your butt's quite firm. But maybe don't spread it as much that time. But I was. Oh, you were.

Okay, yeah, right. I was actually a little bit spread because I was trying to get stability. Show James here. One more time, right. I was actually a little bit spread because I was trying to get stability. Show James here. One more time for James. Is that feminine? I was bent more because I was lower into the boot.

It was pretty more like. How's that? I mean, yeah, Vaughn, you do have quite slender legs. Do you say slender? A perky baton. A perky baton. I wouldn't, yeah. I mean, yeah, a male's bum isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

Right, so you could add, if you were driving because they were going slow, you're doing 30 clicks with your mate in the car. Probably quite hyped up already. Yeah, I can see. Lads, lads, lads. And then you look out the window and you see that. And you see that bending over there. So you still take the compliment? Oh, yeah, I think so. Yeah. And then you look out the window and you see that. And you see that bending over the hair.

So you still take the compliment? Oh, yeah, I think so. Oh, no, no. 100%. The compliments, no one's taking that from me. Like 100% a compliment. Okay. Whether they thought it was a girl's butt or a guy's butt, I don't care.

No, I liked it. That's the thing about growing up like chubby and ugly-ish is that I don't feel objectified when people say those sorts of things. I take it as a compliment. Oh my God. Chittowns of New Zealand, the popular Facebook page is now a book

and Geoff Rousseau joins us. Hi. Hi. How are you? Yeah, good, thanks. Same guy that runs the Facebook page? Yep, there's actually a group of us that run it, but yeah, I'm the spokesperson.

You bravely put your face... the anonymity of a Facebook page going out the window. Apparently I don't like going out in pubs in the South Island very much, but yeah, I'm willing to take the hits for the team. And there could be literal hits. You've had some fairly serious threats, right? Yeah, there's been a few angry people. I think a lot of it, though, tends to be baby boomers with the conjoined Facebook accounts,

the old Trev and... Trev and Diane. Yeah, yeah. I can take Trev. It's Diane that I'm quite concerned about. Is it because Diane doesn't trust Trev to be Facebooking hot woman? Oh, Trev's been caught with his fingers in the cookie jar, hasn't he?

Yeah. But not online. Trev doesn't know what he's doing on there. She just wants him to have a social presence. Look, my town makes it. Page 47, Morrinsville. It's my hometown there. Do they actually have police tractors

in Morrinsville? This was at the Field Days. And I think it got... It was in Morrinsville there for a little bit. So we've all seen the page. How's the book different? We've rewritten all the entries for the book and updated them. So they're all completely different to the page. and we also added some

extra bits and pieces in there. There's some sidebars and some extra top ten lists. Some new material all around, yeah. Nice. Favourite shit small town of New Zealand? It's really tricky. It's sort of like being asked what's your least favourite child. I think Grey Mouse up there at the moment.

We've had some really interesting threats from Grey Mouse. Yes. Yeah. They're quite proud of their little town. But that's good to see some creativity from the West Coast. Yep. Yeah. Getting out there with the creative writing.

So they're the most threatening town? Oh, it changes. Hokitika had a good go because we made fun of the sock museum. Wait, there's a sock museum? Because everybody else was taking it so seriously until you guys made fun of it. And to be fair, we didn't actually make fun of the sock museum. Wait, there's a sock museum? Because everybody else was taking it so seriously until you guys made fun of it. Well, and to be fair, we didn't actually make fun of the sock museum. We just said the top entry on their TripAdvisor is the sock museum, which is too sad to make fun of.

So you didn't make fun of it? No, we didn't make fun of the sock museum. It was your pity that they found it more offensive than making fun of it. What about the big cities? The ones with the weather flyovers? Who reacts the. What about the big cities? The ones with the weather flyovers. Who reacts the most poorly out of those cities?

Hamilton's pretty, they're pretty, yeah, they get offended quite easily. Auckland, there's a lot of people that they're very unaware of the rest of New Zealand. So when someone from south of the Bombay has a bit of a go, they get a bit uptight. Christchurch, they're pretty reactionary as well. Yeah. They think everything's a scheme run by North Islanders to do them out of something.

They do. That's just the South Island on a whole, isn't it? I'm from the South Island. I can say that. We made a joke in the book, and on the page, about how they've got their, Super Rugby team is named after

a group of religious extremists, and it'd be like if we called our team the Auckland Al-Qaeda. And they said, yeah, well, they might bloody win some games then, wouldn't they? And gather the attention of quite an irate part of the world as well. What do you say to people when they actually do have a serious go? Oh, we just play it off for a laugh. We're not serious in what we say.

It's just all a joke. So I think most of the death threats are just people venting online. There's occasionally a few people that are on home detention that you get a bit worried about, but you just block them and move on. But they're on home detention too, so as long as they're on home detention, you're somewhat safe. They've only got 12 hours until Chubb Security come around and check on them.

And scan their bracelets to make sure they're where they should be. You just Google them and find out what they're in home detention for and you go, oh, that's it. Yep, no, we won't bother annoying that guy. We'll let him go. Do you ever look, when people complain on Facebook,

do you ever look at their page and they're really quick to say other people are like snowflakes and the world's too easily offended? There's a lot of people who went to the school of hard knocks. Yeah. They tend to get quite aggravated.

There's a lot of people who think political correctness has gone mad. Yeah. But in their own, that's always the thing that amazes me is when people are saying, you know,

like, oh, you can't say that and blah, blah, blah. And then you click on their Facebook page and they've just been sharing like info wars. And racist stuff. Crazy racist stuff.

There's nothing wrong with a gollywog. People are too easily offended. Now, you called my town of bulls some sort of gimmick. I'll bloody kill you. There's a lot of like, I remember back when, you called my town of bulls some sort of gimmick. I'll bloody kill you. There's a lot of like, I remember back when, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they like those pages. They're into it. So whereabouts can everyone get the book? It's in all the good bookstores. It's online. It should be available pretty much everywhere. And I mean, no coincidence, it's just in time for Christmas. That would actually be a great coffee table book.

It's a great present, you know, for racist grandmas, drunk uncles. If you get the dodgy IT guy in the Secret Santa, it's fantastic. Yeah. And if they're like particularly offended by any jokes about their hometown, easily on one page, you could probably just tear that page out, couldn't you?

It's a great idea. And then give it to them. You blow it up, stick it in their office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep it for a later date. Geoff, thanks so much for coming in. Thank you very much for having me on. Fletch, Vaugh Thanks so much for coming in. Thank you very much for having me on. This story's going to make you who?

Go a bit like a... A baby's been born in Sydney. Now, this is a big baby. This is the biggest the hospital staff had ever seen. Yep. Delivered without pain relief. So, no epidurals. Okay.

Why? No pain relief. Hey, and you don't even know the size of this baby yet. Was it just too late for an epidural? I couldn't tell you. They can't have been choice, right? So this baby weighed 5.7 kgs. Jeez.

That's half of one of those big sacks of spuds. Yeah. 12.6 pounds. For some reason we still say babies weight in pounds. 12 pounds! So what's average like 7? 10 pound is a big baby. 10 pounds. I was 9 pound when I was a baby.

Jeez. Yeah, I was a big bubba but I apparently was quite easy to birth. I've always been quite a pleasure. Yeah, I was a big bubba, but apparently it was quite easy to birth. I've always been quite a pleasure. Yeah, right. You went first, your brother was first. Yeah, but he wasn't as big as me. Right. And then my sister was smaller.

I went out the sunroof. You did, you came out the sunroof. I was premature. Not for me. Is there an emergency exit? Zip. Oh, you're there. All right.

Pull me out. Grab me out. Give me a wipe down. Put me somewhere. Hurry up. So this baby, Parker, was born at Blacktown Hospital in Sydney. And 28-year-old mother, Nikki, delivered this massive baby without any pain relief. Now, I know that there's bigger babies than 12.6 pounds.

I know for a fact there is. That's insane. Yeah. Because, yeah, no pain relief. Is she all right? He. She is. I'd say no.

The baby was born 12.6 pounds. You know how they're like, mum and baby doing well. Baby's doing well. Mum's going to need some time. Mum's going to need a bit of recovery. Mum's just still got a flushed look. Just shocked. So the baby already fills up.

It's got a picture in a bassinet. And I'm just imagining it's a standard-sized bassinet. It's already filled up the bassinet. And you get all those newborn clothes, you'd be like, oh, those aren't going to go around. So my, to kind of put it into perspective, because you always compare it to your go around. So my, to kind of, to put it into perspective, because you always compare it to your own children. So some people, you know, six pounds.

So this is twice as big as August was. And August was just short of full term. She was six pound three. So yeah, like exactly. But Indy was tiny when she was born because she was born premature. So she was like two kgs when she was born. So this is like.

How many kgs is that one? Five. 5.7, so six pretty much. So she was like 2kg when she was born. So this is like How many kgs is that one? 5. 5.7, so 6 pretty much. So almost 3 times. Well her birth weight dropped after she was born. She lost a bit of weight, as they often do. So what she got down to is a third the size of this baby. Wow.

3 indies. Stuff this being all over the news everyone would know what you've gone through. You're a bit, you know. Nicky's like, yeah, well, everyone knows it's ruined. Where do I know you from? That's a big baby. Oh!

How's that going down bar? Yeah, everyone would ask. On babies, there's a story out of Italy that if you have a third baby, you get free land. Like to live on? What kind of land? Like farmland or just like a section with a house on it? Like, I'm not too sure.

But you get land. Yeah. That's a good investment. Would that tempt you to have a third? Maybe. Because then like the kid's going to make the money back. If you can make the land into, you know, productive land. Right. I'm talking trucking avocado trees, you know, productive land. Right.

I'm talking trucks and avocado trees. Apparently they're not having enough babies. Really? Yeah, they've had like, you know, a record low turnout of babies. Hey, where are the babies to come? We put it on the free of spaghetti, the free of pizza. Where are the babies? They're just not tuning up, it turns out.

I don't know. At the moment, your children might have a pedometer. If you've got children, they might have a pedometer that they're bringing home from school. Okay. And there's like a competition to accumulate the most steps. Is this to get kids healthy and fit and active? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Like when we did the jump rope for heart. Yeah. Because you'd do as many jumps as you could. Yep. And that sort of thing. This is to monitor them and encourage them to get active and everything, which isn't a problem because if you chuck a pedometer on a kid, they're doing like, one kid did 44,000 steps a day,

and that was just during the school day, so they didn't like cheat. Where were they going? Just kids The minute the bell goes they're just like running the whole time We've got a problem with them being so fat though

so this is a good idea Yeah As soon as we get a weekend we're like yeah sit on our asses Pedometer Pedometer One

How is that possible? Because that's why everybody uses Fitbits now. Yeah, just kind of a timely reminder of what to do. Well, this is where I want to talk about cheating because Indy came home from school wearing her pedometer and she was like walking around and she was like, well, I'm going to watch some TV now.

Took off her pedometer, put it around the dog's collar and then threw a ball out on the lawn. So the dog ran out there and then the dog put the ball back. She got the ball off the dog, threw it out there again. And then she just left it on the dog. I didn't know. I saw her throwing the ball to the dog. I'm like, that's nice.

And then later on I'm like, what's the pedometer doing on the dog? She's like, well, I was just watching TV so I just put the pedometer on the dog to get some steps. So how many extra steps was she getting? I don't know. I don't know pedometer on the dog to get some steps. So how many extra steps will she get? I don't know. I don't know. But then the dog walks around.

Dogs just go wandering don't they around the property. Is this concerning when you see your six year old fraudulently you know

rorting the system? Quite proud to be totally honest. Like are you worried she could become like a white collar criminal? A bit of white collar than blue collar you know. Yeah.

If your kids are going to be criminal, you want them in one of those nice, loose, low security prisons where I can come and have a Sunday lunch. And they've got Sky and they get to do the gardening. You know,

and give them a hug when you leave, not be told, no touching. Yeah. And I think everybody whose children is going to become a criminal hopes for a white collar, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

And I was like, well, you can't do that. Isn't this a competition? And she's like, other people are doing it. I was like, who? Who? She's like, oh, a couple of guys told me that they did this when they got home and they got heaps of steps,

so I just sort of try it. I was like, I'm running a racket. I'm running a racket. Defeating the purpose of the whole challenge. Yeah, but then if the school wins, does the school care how the steps are accumulated? So it's a school versus school, is it? I think so.

Right. I think so. Right. I think every day you write down all your steps and then they add them all up and then everyone adds it all up. Right. Just do a family pedometer. Put it by the door and anyone who leaves the house

has to put the pedometer on. Can you put it on like a car? Or it has to step? Nah, because house has to put the pedometer on. Can you put it on like a car or it has to step? It has to move. Can you put it on the base of an exercise cycle at the gym and just get it the next day? And then that would have gone round and round and up and down. Would that work?

Are you talking about on the pedal of the exercise cycle? Yeah, just underneath the pedal. Or the cross trainer. The thing at the back on the cross trainer goes up and down and that would kind of hit him. Just sellotape it underneath that. Get it in a week. And you would have done so many.

Someone at the gym discovers some weird looking thing sellotape to the bottom of the equipment and they're going to be like, what's that? We call the police here. And then the explosive robot comes in and blows up the cross trainer. And the next time you go to the gym, the two cross trainers are full and you're like, I've got no one but myself to blame. This is my fault. This is karma for me, getting that other cross trainer blown up.

But I mean, didn't you used to rip off your drunk neighbour? Were they drunk? Yeah. Yeah, well, we just... Say it was a skiff rope. Okay, we did that once. We said we were raising money or something, but we weren't. Fletch?

But there's no money. As far as I know, there's no money involved in this one. In this pedometer challenge. In this pedometer challenge. I wouldn't say if there was money. I'd be like, no, no, no, no. If they were going around getting money off people. Yeah, then you wouldn't be as happy for her to be doing that.

No. Okay. No, not if people were paying for something fraudulently. Right. But I was wondering on 0800 dials at EMU, you can text 9696 this morning, when did you cheat at school? Cheat the system?

When did you cheat the system? Yeah. Does it count if you plagiarised something for a poem and then said it was yours? Yeah. Yeah, you're not getting away with that. No, I tried. And then I called into the principal's office. That was the good thing, you're not getting away with that. No, I tried. I called into the principal's office.

That was the good thing about going to school in the 90s. They didn't have that software. When you put something into the teacher, it was written on a piece of paper. They couldn't scan it and run it through the software to detect. Yeah. So a lot of us are well underqualified for what we're doing. Stealing other people's thoughts

and theories. And pretty much entire essays. I just feel now to cheat you've just got to be better at it. You've got to change a few more words. I'll get you. Can you still get around the software like that? It's almost these days to cheat you've actually got to be good at the thing. You spend so much time looking up

alternative words you'll probably actually educate yourself. You thought you were cheating, but in actual fact, you're just doing a great job of life. Okay, so when did you cheat the system at school? 0800 dials it in. 9696. We're talking about when you cheated at school

because Vaughan's household has a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater. Yep. Strips the pedometer to the dog and then throws the ball a few times to get some easy steps. Somebody said if you really want to cheat a pedometer, you put it on throws the ball a few times to get some easy steps. Somebody said if you really want to cheat a pedometer you put it on the washing machine

when it's going and the frantic vibrating thinks that you're going for a run. So you really crank up that. And so you get your steps up. That's a good one.

Because they don't know, do they? No. Some text messages in on cheating at school. Someone said dear children of the 90s lest we forget

Encarta 95. Oh yeah. Encarta 95 was Wikipedia before there was Wikipedia. It was, yeah. Online the 90s, lest we forget Encarta 95. Oh, yeah. Encarta 95 was Wikipedia before there was Wikipedia. It was, yeah. Online encyclopedia, right? On a CD-ROM. It was on a CD-ROM. No online aspect to the earliest Encarta 95.

I got 99% in a middle work assignment because I literally copy and pasted off Encarta. This was the year Encarta came out. And you know the old mate teacher would have had no idea about that CD-ROM. If I had taken out the weird formatting issues that it caused by literally copying and pasting and then pressing print, he said I would have got 100%. He didn't know what caused that weird anomaly in the text, but he said it was the one thing that stopped me getting 100%.

And Trin joins us from our office. You cheated at school. What did you do? Yeah, so you know how you'd take home those boxes of chocolate to fundraise for a camp or something oh yeah um instead of going door-to-door and selling them me and my siblings would just eat them and then my parents would have to cash out the money at the end but that's not cheating because the school's getting the money yeah it's cheating your parents more than anything because they got nothing out of it But they have to pay But I didn't like those

It wasn't fair at school When like the rich parents Would buy like all the raffle books And all the chocolates And fundraiser stuff And you had to go out Yeah knock on people's doors And like risk getting abducted

Yeah I know I was too cute to go door to door I just went back to school And was like oh I sold two What are you going to do? You can't expel me Not let me swim in the new pool? Good luck stopping me.

Craftiness, I guess. Yeah. And it prepares you for the real world because it's full of cheats out here. Yeah, exactly. It's dog eat dog. Yeah. Dog eat dog, cat eat cat,

cheater eat cheater. Yep. You've got to be ready. So some text messages in. I presented my friend's tech assignment, says somebody. Okay. It was an electrical thing, so obviously my friend's tech assignment, says somebody. Okay. It was an electrical thing.

So obviously they were full of details there. It was an electrical thing. My presentation got an A. He went up and presented literally the same thing as I'd used his notes and he got a C. And he was really angry with me and I was like, but it was all in the presentation. Oh, my God.

That's pretty bad, right? Wouldn't you? You'd go first, right, if it was your work and your bad right Wouldn't you You'd go first right If it was your work And your assignment Wouldn't you Then your friend tries it on second Yeah

Like of course if he goes first But then the The first friend that did it Obviously had the gift of the gab A bit of flair A bit of sales Yeah right Because it was all on the presentation

We had a staff competition at school With Amongst the staff About with pedometers. Kids were practicing for cross country and they'd run past my classroom. So I just hand the pedometer out the window. Oh my God, that's amazing. Just take this, Timmy.

Yeah. Go on. Run. Run long. Run long. Not fast. Long. Anonymous caller.

Good morning. You cheated at school. What did you do? I didn't cheat. I'm a teacher, but did you do? I didn't cheat. I'm a teacher, but I had a student who didn't read the book. Made up a book. Made up a book? What, in an exam?

Yeah. Right. And when you decide this book doesn't exist. No, because NCEA is external. Oh, we're losing you. Oh, you're fine. They made up. In NCEA, external... Oh, we're losing you. Oh, you're fine. They made up... In NCEA, it's externally marked.

But then I thought you only had a list of books to choose from. But if they completely made up a book and the person marking it's never heard of the book, then it can be anything. It can be anything, sure. Janelle, when did you cheat at school? Oh, it wasn't quite cheating. My teacher just got it wrong.

I really hated speeches and I used to do anything to get out of it. They said, what was your mark on your speech you did yesterday, Janelle? Was it a B? I was like, yeah, it sure was. And I hadn't done any speeches. Wow. You hadn't even done the thing you did out of speeches.

I hated speeches as well. Like, hated it. Yeah, me too. My first thought was, yes, I don't have to do it. And my second was, can I get an A? No, I was an A. No, it was an A. I think it was an A. That would have been too much.

She would have been like, read it out for me again. Yeah, yeah. If you'd pushed it, you would have been found out. Thanks, Janelle. When I was young, I forgot lunch money on sausage sizzle day. So I took $2 from the pretend money jar, which looked real enough, put it in the money jar and got my sausage. Still feel guilty about it 15 years later.

Wow. Some other text messages in. I used to cheat the system by working out the scores I'd get for winning events in swimming and athletics and then ask everyone who was good at this what they were doing and then would choose events that others wouldn't do. Oh, yeah. This isn't cheating.

This is crafty. This is crafty and good thinking. For example, no one do. Oh, yeah. This isn't cheating. That's crafty. This is crafty and good thinking. For example, no one did the 3,000-meter run or the 100 fly for swimming. So I would do those, but then I'd win because when you put together all of my points from events that no one else was entering, I won overall athletics championships.

That's brilliant. But you still had to swim 3,000 meters. Yeah, it's not cheating because you're putting in the work. It's 100 meters He still had to swim 3,000 metres. Yeah, it's not cheating because you're putting in the work. It's 100 metres. But I'm going to stop and walk and just do

the flappy arms if you want. You're the only one in the race. Flappy arms. Well, that's all butterflies. Close enough, isn't it? Rotating windmill

flappy arms. Close enough. In year 11, a girl I had a crush on asked if I could borrow this essay that I'd prepared in a mock exam. I gave it to her.

She ended up copying it pretty much word for word in her English exam. Fast forward 10 years, we're happily married. Oh, cute. That's a little bit flirty. That's a little bit cute, eh? I mean, she's a cheater. She's going to cheat on you. It's only a matter of time.

Don't say that. Before she says to somebody else, can you show me that penis you've got? And then she uses that penis. Bleach, Wanda, Megan, we're just ranking our favourite Hemsworths. It's Luke's birthday. Luke's Hemsworth's birthday today. The forgotten Hemsworth. So we were making a totem,

a Hemsworth totem pole and you had to put your favourite at the top. Yeah. And I said Liam, Chris, Luke and Megan's like, you're putting Liam at the bottom. That doesn't mean I don't like him. That doesn't mean if he came up with a...

He came up close at the top. No, in the middle. No, Liam. Chris, Liam, dad. Oh, right, you're right. Nothing against Luke, but the dad's a total dill. Also, I feel like Luke's like,

there's least eyes on him. The least competition. Take the road most traveled, the path of least resistance. If I want to get into the Hemsworth family, he's my best option. Solid physics there. People quite often say, what do you guys do during when the songs are playing? We just rank our favourite Hemsworths quite often. Quite often.

It's like a stock market. It's definitely not the first time. Two points up on Liam this week. He's made a surprise appearance wearing no top. And is looking in great nick. Moving. Moving house. The Smiths are moving.

And it's come to the time where we've started to like pack up our house. Yeah. And put everything in boxes and stuff. And I have to do the garage because that's basically all of my stuff in the garage. It's where you keep all your crap. Yeah. I actually had a garage clean out at the start of the year.

Bought some shelving units and stuff and put it all, so you can get two cars in there. That's not a clean out. That's just rearranging all the crap you've got. Yeah. See, I parked in your garage.

It is a beautifully rearranged mess. Hoarder's garage. Yeah. Beautifully arranged. Yeah. So, that's,

sorry, am I correct in thinking you stop your vehicle when it hits the shell? Correct. Or all the crap. Oh no, I stop my vehicle

when it either hits the thing that hangs from the ceiling that I hung to tell me to stop, but sometimes I'll hit that and keep going. The thing that holds wood

at the front of the garage or the kid's scooter. Yeah, there's literally nowhere to move in your garage. No, you get out, you gotta go, you have a problem. And shut everything. So anyway, I'm in charge of cleaning up the garage. Right.

Packing up the garage. And Shade's like, go and look in the, because this is what it's like when she's packing up any room. I just sit there and I'm like, don't get rid of that. Don't get rid of that. She's like, but this is a thing. I'm like, yeah, but there was that time the kids did that thing with that

and it was really cute. She was like, that was like three years ago. I'm like, yeah, memories. She's like, no. I'm like, oh, oh, oh. She's like, get out. Get out of here. Because then I pull everything out.

She's got like a box of stuff to take to like the Goodwill store. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm in it being like, we'll keep that. We'll put that back in there. Oh my God, you're the worst. You you're not gonna need it all you look at the memories and you realize oh that's right and out done Oh heartless so you're

gonna be on that show hoarders you are and like 30 years I've shut a leaves me yes cuz she's kind of the balance yeah to my hoarding but I saw I went into the garage she's like get out of your gun hoarding. But so I went into the garage. She's like, get out of here, go and sort out the garage. That's going to be a big job. And I walked into the garage and I walked in and I looked up and I was like, and I started justifying why I need to keep things. I was like, golf clubs, of course, for the game of golf.

You don't play golf. But should the opportunity present itself. How did you even play a golf club? Well, to be honest, there's like a putter and a golf bag and like, I think it's like a six iron. It's not a whole set. Didn't we get that free once when we played mini golf? Yeah. Like, get rid of it.

I got rid of it. But it's a great golf bag. You don't play golf. How often have you used it? Well, I store a hockey stick in there and a baseball bat. Who knows? It's like a great sporting thing for bag stuff. And then I

walked around and I was like, yeah, definitely need to keep that telescope. How often do you use that? Every now and then. Because you know, there's a book and it says that you're supposed to say thank you for your service, spend a moment with the item, thank you for your service and get rid of it. If you haven't used it.

If I spend a moment with it, I'd be like, you were right, telescope. We did spot some grateful moments together. Back into the ceiling of the garage. There's no need for you to have a telescope.

But I'm moving to an area that's more telescope friendly. Less light pollution. Charlie is never going to let you have a telescope in the house. Oh, not on display, no. No, I tried that once and she said,

what is this for? And I said, I'm trying to look sophisticated and she said, get rid of it. Put it in the house. Oh, not on display, no. No, I tried that once and she said, what is this for? And I said, I'm trying to look sophisticated and she said, get rid of it. Put it in the garage. You have to get rid of the golf clubs.

You can keep the telescope for three months and if you don't use it, it has to go. Oh, great. Hopefully a clear night presents itself soon. I'll be out with my telescope.

Didn't Oprah do a speech? She's famous for that whole, you know, cleaning out. The hanger thing. The hanger thing and how to clean out your space. Oh, that's not a problem.

So if you haven't used it in the last three months or something. That's clothes. Yeah. You hang there, you put it the wrong way on the hook, right? And if you don't turn it around when you use it, you get rid of it after a season. Yeah. Is that right?

That's right. Yeah, no, that's not a problem because I don't really keep. Thank you for your service. Get rid of it. Clothes isn't your thing. Nah. It's just junk crap. Everything else. Yeah, no, that's not a problem because I don't really keep. Thank you for your service. Get rid of it. Clothes isn't your thing. Nah. It's just junk crap. Everything else. Yeah.

Everything else. I'll tell you what, yesterday I got charged in cleaning up the cupboard that's got all the kids' art in it. Why did she give you that? I couldn't get rid of anything of it. You can throw anything out. I looked at that. Throw it all away. It doesn't even look like anything.

When my fictional son, Lawrence, brings home a painting, I'll be like, that's so lovely. Mother, I've painted. What have you painted us, Lorenz? The French Riviera, mother. For that's where I want to go for my seventh birthday. Caviar on the river with father and yourself and myself present. What a lovely holiday it would be. So you couldn't throw out Lorenz's picture of the French Riviera.

Yeah, we'll throw it out and we'll go there one day.'s picture of the French Riviera. Yeah, I'll throw it out and I'll be like, we'll go there one day. Get rid of the French Riviera. But I feel you need your wife to go in the garage. Or someone like Megan. Savage. Oh, I'd be savage AF. Oh no.

Because it's all justifiable. We can barter off different items. You have to get rid of the golf clubs. This sounds like what they do on the people on hoarders. Yeah, this is what you need. You can keep that milk bottle full of your own poos You have to get rid of the golf clubs. This sounds like what they do on the people on hoarders. Yeah, this is what you need. You can keep that milk bottle full of your own poos if you get rid of the one full of somebody else's poos.

And the hoarders are always like, you never know when you're going to need a milk bottle full of poos. Do you have some sort of weird helmet on the ground in your... What is that? It's a metal helmet. A metal helmet? In your garage. You don't even know what's in there.

Like a knight's helmet? Yeah. God, I hope so. A metal helmet. In your garage. You don't even know what's in there. Like a knight's helmet. Yeah. God, I hope so. That sounds great. No wonder I haven't got rid of that. It sounds like I'm going LARPing. Well, Megan lives down the road. She can pop over and help you if you need some help.

No. Although that might get in the way of putting up your Christmas tree today. Because I've got that. Sade walked in and she's like, that, get rid of that, and pointed at my Jaffel maker. Now, I should, if I had a fire and I wanted to make a toasted Jaffel, I won't have my Jaffel maker. If I had a fire.

Oh, light a fire. If I could see stars in the night sky. If I went and played golf. So many adventures are just waiting in the ceiling of that garage. You need to get rid of a lot of that crap. I'll help you. Can you do it just so that I could see the look on Vaughn's face? And so we can see the crap in his garage.

Okay. You might make some money out of it. Have a garage sale. Oh, no, that'd be the worst. Garage sales. Why is it what? No, the people that go to garage sales. What's wrong with them? You're not going to it. You're holding one. That'd be the worst Garage sales Why is it what? No They're people that go to garage sales

What's wrong with them? You're not going to it You're holding one They're up On a Saturday morning At like six o'clock Searching through everyone's Like things that they're

Just chucking away They're like seagulls But people They're seagull people With vans and yukes And they're standing there With one leg Yeah

So you feel sorry for them. How much for this old toaster? Can I have it for free? You're like, oh God, just take it. Get out. Go on, shoo. Bagger off. We're trying to enjoy fish and chips. FEM.

Right now I've got four ways that you can use vodka in your beauty routine. This has come mainly from someone who had bad skin, a bit of acne. And so they did a wee Google trying to find some easy at home remedies for acne prone skin. I don't know, is it expensive to be using your good Smirnoff? Your good Kristoff? On some acne?

Vodka. Yeah, it's vodka. So basically... What about a vodka cruiser? Like if I had a spot, could I just put the bottle on the end of my face and tip it up? And you've just got a big green circle.

But there's no sugar in it. You know when you do optrics and you put it on like an eye wash and you put it in the thing and clunk your eye on it and then you go... it. You could do that but on the pimple with the vodka up, shake shake shake back. With straight up it actually might work but not

sweetened ones. So you can get like any kind of vodka, just straight up vodka and you put it on a cotton ball and you wipe it across your face like a toner. Similar if you go to the pharmacy or the supermarket you get the little bottle of alcohol. I know a lot of people

that if you get a pimple, they just dab that on. Like a rubbing alcohol. And it dries it on, yeah. Because remember I didn't, you have a pimple once and I told you to dab perfume on it, fragrance on it,

because that's mainly alcohol. Dries it out. Yeah, dries it out. Dab, dab, dab. But this is, yeah, wiping it across your face because it's like sterile as well. So antiseptic or something.

Because, you know, in the movies. I mean, you'll smell like vodka. In the movies when they're like making a makeshift because they've got a bullet wound and they're in like, running away from the place and they get the bottle of vodka or whatever. He's like, I'm not going to lie to you. This is going to hurt. Bite down on the stick. Ah!

Yeah, like that. Yeah, right. Okay. This is interesting as well. Vodka can remove product buildup in your hair and also give it a shine. Yeah, but then you're going to smell like vodka. Or do you...

Well, you wash shit out. Oh, right. Okay. You can use it like, I mean, if you didn't want to actually wash your hair, you can use it, pour it through your hair, rub it.

It can get rid of, you know, built up shampoo, built up conditioner, hair product if you didn't want to actually wash your hair, you can use it, pour it through your hair, rub it. It can get rid of, you know, built-up shampoo, built-up conditioner, hair product if you use it because that's bad for your scalp and you have your dandruff. You could just get a little spray bottle and be like... Just a light mist. And then go, one for me. Yuck. It can clean your razor.

This is for you guys. You guys can join in on this one. Finally. Finally, one for the... Included. Finally. Finally. Included. Yeah. So razor heads get a buildup of bacteria and they start to look manky.

And you know how they rust? It's basically because of... Who's leaving their razor long enough so it rusts? Not men who shave their heads like us. No, yeah. But the reason they do rust is because they get a buildup of bacteria on the blades. Right. So they're saying you should soak the head of the razor in vodka. Huh.

It'll kill the germs and extend the razor's life. And that'd be the same for like your leg shaver and stuff? Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's the razor. Yeah. And the last one, I don't know about. I don't know if it's a good idea.

Using it as a mouthwash. So you swish around a shot of vodka as a great way to freshen your breath? Yeah, but it's not the cheaper way to do that. If you'd run out of mouthwash, maybe. At a push. Because mouthwash is alcohol, right? Yeah. But not as much as vodka.

Some of it doesn't have alcohol. No alcohol. And you know how, like, people who drink a lot sometimes have bad teeth? Mm. Is vodka swirling that around your mouth, is that going to be a bad thing? It kills the bacteria, though. Yeah. And then you're supposed to spit it out. teeth. Mm. Is vodka swirling that around your mouth, is that going to be a bad thing? It kills the bacteria though. Yeah. And then you're supposed

to spit it out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Speaking of things with like alcohol in it, like the mouthwash, I bought some vanilla extract.

They're not essence because I'm better than that. And you should be too. Were you trying to be posh? Yeah. You should be too. That had alcohol in it. Yeah.

It was like no more than 10%. Have you ever had a sip of that? Oh, it's no. Because you're doing a big lot of baking and it's like a quarter of a teaspoon of vanilla essence. You're like, that's not enough. You put it in a tablespoon and afterwards you're like. They were right. They were not wrong.

That's like vanilla liqueur. Yeah. You dab it on your tongue, your tongue knows now. 829. Excited about Taste Why? Got your ticket there? Well, we may have got some tickets. We may have got some tickets.

I'm very much excited. You two are very excited about it. We were seeing VIP boxes. Well, because Sade and... So you open the box and she speaks to you. I know. Shall I get it? Yeah, do it.

Do it. Do it. Man, that's... I was in the mean... Sade and Indy bought tickets a while ago because Indy loves Taylor Swift And then August has found out She's not going

Wow she's packed the shit But she won't She'll just get grumpy Won't she Well it'll be very I've said to she And then I gave in last night And I said I'll see if I can

Get her some tickets to go Okay Well here's what happens When you open the lid It comes on And she speaks to you Alright yep Wow wow

She's like, thanks for coming Didn't pay for it Hey, hey You should give that to a What are her fans called? Swizzles Swifties Suzuki Swifts You should give that to a, what are her fans called? Swizzles. Swizzles. Swizzles sticks.

Swift. Swifties. Suzuki Swifts. I'm really looking, I am actually genuinely looking forward to it. It looks like an amazing show. And you know how she went on and said, get in, vote. Yeah. In her home state, voting in the age group of 18 to 28, I believe, Yeah. Early votes are up 700%

on this time last midterms. Wow. And they say it's the Taylor Swift effect because she finally weighed in on it. And all these other places have been influenced to vote early as well. Are they going to have vodka cruises? At the voting stations?

No, at a concert. Oh, I would say so. Crazy not to. Yeah, good night then. It's time for... Fact of the Day! Day, day, day, day! Today's fact of the day is a New Zealander invented the suicide vest.

Good Lord. Not an extremist. Why? Okay, news to me. News to you. Well, this happened in Murchison. Your home, your home, Prov. Close to your home, Prov.

A guy called Joseph who's a 57-year-old farmer. And he invented the suicide vest. There was an ongoing dispute with his neighbour along one of those neighbours at war type situations. Okay. But before, you know, it could be filmed and put on TV too and narrated by that funny guy. They just used to take it old school and shoot at each other and such.

Right. The one that ended up in court, the disagreement was over some heifers, over some livestock. Okay. And Joseph Sewell lost the dispute and apparently then turned up at court with a gelignite strapped to himself underneath a coat. What year was this? When was this?

1905. Good Lord. Wow, okay. 14th of July, 1905, and it is the first on record example of a suicide vest. So it wouldn't have had the, you know, like a countdown clock and a detonator. He would have had to manually lit the wick and then was just like, stand back, everybody. I mean, come closer.

Oh, sorry, it's my first time. Suicide vest thing, I don't know. I should probably run into a crowd for maximum effect. And thus the suicide vest was born right here in New Zealand. That would be, because, you know, I'm guessing now you'd press a button or it would detonate whenever it happens. Boom. But lighting, it's like Guy Fawkes lighting the, you know,

the Roman candle. You see it go down. You've got that five seconds to say I've made a huge mistake. You lick your finger and try and dab it out. Stop. Keeps going. It's like one of those candles that won't blow out. Nope, couldn't get it out.

Boom. Wow, okay. Report it as the Murchison tragedy. So there you go. That's another New Zealand invention. We invented a lot of things. Yeah, just down the road, Ernest Rutherford split the atom, nuclear bombs.

Nelson, eh? Nelson. But not explosions. Yet it's your home province of Taranaki that year after year Google searches say that they're searching homemade bombs. And gay porn. And gay porn. Bizarre.

What a volatile mix. It is a cocktail. Isn't it? That's what you can't search under that specific type. So today's fact of the day is a New Zealander invented the suicide vest. Fact of the day, day, day, day, day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. If you listen to the show, you'll be familiar with the fact

I've adopted an NBA basketball team this year. The Milwaukee Bucks. And we're doing really great. Because you got a hat. Eight victories to one. You got a hat and you like the deer on it. Yeah, I like the deer on it. But they're having a great season.

Great season. So I started following them on Facebook. And I get little updates about how they're going and some highlight videos. And then they put up this video, which was just amazing. Because it's fair to say on the show, we all love Cheezus. We're huge fans of Cheezus. Not Jesus.

Cheezus. Which is my Jesus. Yeah. Cheezus. Baby Cheezus. I'll go to the fridge quite often and be like, come on, little cabin beer. Yeah. I'm going to eat you. And his father, you know, his father, Gouda.

Yeah. Cheese. Gouda. Yeah. And I can't think of one for the Holy Spirit. The Holy Swiss. I've got Edom and Eve. Like an Edom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Edom and Eve. Edom and Eve. Is Eve a cheese? I don't know. No. It's probably something that can go in there. Yeah.

But then that's pretty much the extent of my cheese knowledge. Those few puns that we've just pulled out. But it must have been like a halftime entertainment or something. They must have had a competition. I don't know if this woman wore a cheese hat, and that's what made them approach her, or when they said you can name as many cheeses as you can in 30 seconds, then they put the cheese hat on her.

I'm not sure. What, there's a hat that's got cheese on it? It's a wedge of cheese. Do they like cheese there or something? Is Milwaukee like their dairy? I don't know. Is it like their cheese? Oh, I don't know.

Remember in House of Cards, there was a guy in the early seasons of House of Cards, there was a guy and they always talked about the cheese and the dairy? Oh, maybe. Okay. That's my extended American. Well, anyway, they love cheese too. They love cheese. This joins her when she's already named something like 10 cheeses.

This is almost like a cheese version of ship came into the harbor carrying cheese. One woman, 30 seconds to name as many cheeses as she can. And this is like when she's already started and she's already got a bunch of cheeses and then listen to a hack. American, Asiago, Barscapone, Buffalo, Smoked Swiss, Cream Cheese, String Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Brie,

Feta, Goat, Munster, Colby Jack, Colby, Pepper Jack, Dub, I don't know. I knew a lot of those cheeses. Yeah, but could you think of them on the spot and then just rattle off the shopping list of cheeses?

I don't know. I reckon I'll be pretty good at it. Blue cheese. Go. I don't accept blue cheese. I need a pen so I can mark. So I can do little marks for how many you get. Okay.

Go. No, don't you need to time me? I need 30 seconds. I'll do the time for how many you get. Okay. Go. No, don't you need to time me? I need 30 seconds. I'll do the time. You do the mark. You do a mark for every cheese she does. Okay. I feel like I need to close my eyes.

Okay, ready? Yeah. I'm going back to the 90s, by the way. I'm using an actual watch for this timing, not my iPhone. It's really old school, bruh. I know, real old school. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Go. Eat'em, Tasty, Colby, Cream Cheese, Cottage Cheese, Swiss Cheese, Manchego, Gouda, Stilton, Camembert, Brie, did I say those? You said Brie. You said Brie. Feta, Gouda. You said Gouda. Halloumi, Havarti.

Can I say what she said? Pepper Jack. Jack Cheese. Smoked. Smoked. Smoked cheese? Yep. That's one. What's the holy one?

I said Swiss. How many did I get? Parmesan. 16. No, time's up, Megan. Parmesan. 16. She got 27 in 30 seconds, and she just didn't listen to someone.

She got 11 more than me. I know, and she didn't just listen to somebody else read out a list of cheeses. Oh, I knew you had a couple of hers. I know I want cheese. Yeah, on a halloumi. Some fried halloumi. Yeah, fried halloumi's the business. Yeah.

Is a halloumi technically the cheese? Oh, I don't know, actually. Is it? Yeah. Does it fall under the cheese jurisdiction? I think so. Yeah, I know. I hear people say it, but it doesn't.

It's more like a weird, curdy situation. It's an unripened brined cheese. So it's a cheese. Okay. I'll let you pass this time, Paloni Bear. I've got my eye on you. FBM. Super gold cards. What's the difference between a

super gold card and a gold card? Oh, they're just called super gold cards. I think they're just called super gold cards. I think they just called super gold cards. So you get one if you're retired. So if you're over the age of 65, you can apply for one. And you get like cheap, you get discounts on a whole bunch of stuff. You get a lot of the public transport is free between like, is it nine and five? Off peak?

Off peak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off peak. Cheaper petrol. Because a lot of them were taking the mick and going to Waiheke on the ferry, weren't they? And boozing it up at the vineyards and coming back. Yeah. Why is that taking the mick?

Fair enough. Well, because it's expensive. Oh, to go on the ferry? Yeah. Oh, yeah, but that's part of it. That was the deal that got negotiated, wasn't it? Listen to these deals. I've clicked on the deals page. I've gone to super seniors for the ministry of social development.gov.nz.

Okay. On this page, you can get mag shop super gold special. So what, like get mag wheels? Get mags? No, get mags for your ride on mobility scooter. Let's get some little mags. Triton hearing, I'm okay with that. Hearing aids used by the elderly a bit more.

There's a Noel Leaming deal. I don't know, but I've been in on that. I don't know. They've got different deals all the time. Or take your nan along when you need a TV. Yeah. Just shopping for nan. Nan's really after one of those 85-inch ones with surround sound.

I think they're allowed to do that. They'll be like, excuse me, ma'amam you're on every weekend with a young person. You can't be buying a TV every weekend. 40% off your travel health life and funeral insurance. Okay. I mean I wouldn't give them any money off funeral insurance. That's an inevitability isn't it? Yeah true. Gonna lose out there.

Brighten up spring with 8 vibrant wines. So they're getting booze discounts. How much does it say? I don't know. But then down the bottom, there's 12 world-class reds plus glasses for just $10.99 a bottle.

That's a separate deal altogether. $0.10 per litre discount off the pump price at Mobil throughout New Zealand. Goodness me. I know. There's lots of sweet deals for being owned. And they got houses for like $20,000. It's not fair.

I know. Well, this is why we're saying check your old person. Because as far as I can see, there's no picture on the super gold card. It's just a name. Now, those gold cards are being lent out or borrowed by people under 65 who are committing fraud by getting all of these cheaper deals. Mostly the free transport, I'd imagine. The free buses and stuff.

A man in Otago racked up $800 worth of free travel using somebody else's gold card between 2013 and 2014. And that was just the start of it. Technically, then it's not the old people, though, is it? Someone's using their cards. Well, they've given the card. They've given it out, though, haven't they? They're enabling. Yeah, they are.

They're enabling. I wouldn't want to do that because no one wants to pretend to be older, do they? Everybody wants to be younger. Yeah. There are, as of June this year, there were 733,000 gold cards in circulation out and about. Wow, okay.

So, I mean, they might lose a gold card and be like, well, I wasn't planning on leaving the house this year, so I'll just sit here. And that can be used somewhere else. And because they need to get pictures on there. Yeah, they do. Can you imagine the hassle of having to picture all these old over 65s? Well, they'd all have to go somewhere to get the picture taken

because they're not like, but they could maybe get a family member to take a photo. Could you imagine having to upload? Yeah. Nan's like, who's that? You're like, Nan, that's you. How did I get on there? Well, I took the photo of you.

Technology. Amazing. So if you know an old person, not yet 65, because if you're over 65, that's for you. But if you know an older, younger, older person, where are they? What are they doing right now? Are they getting a free bus ride? A free ferry?

We're all paying for that. Discounted mag wheels? No, just take them with you to the petrol station and use their gold cars. Sure, take them with you. Good idea. ZDM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. For more, check out ZDM online. They have to be there.