93X Half-Assed Morning Show - $3,200 Vagina

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

Originally Aired August 24, 2026: Doctor P answers medical questions from The Brother/Sisterhood. Never lie about a code brown. Everything you've ever wanted to know about Chad Vador.   Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Thanks for listening to the 93-X-half-ass morning show. I suppose for some of us, this is an F-off week, because you're looking to take maybe Thursday or Friday, smooth off, and attend the first couple days of our wondrous annual state fair. I know there's got to be a few of you. I mean, they still say year after year after year, Cubby, that we've got the best damn state fair in the entire United States. Folks start lining up Wednesday night.

They sleep on the sidewalk to try and be the first swinging D through the gates on day one. By God. It's a tradition for some folks that spans generations. Generations, he says, no question. Anytime you watch the news on day one, they talk to usually somebody well over 80. They find the oldest person they can, ask them how long they've been coming. I'm bringing my great grandkids here, that kind of thing. It's probably the type of story that touches a player deep down.

Absolutely. It's awesome. So for some of you, maybe you're looking at this week as, you know, this one doesn't count. By Thursday and Friday, I'll be just wandering around the fair drinking beer. I know I've got a group of family and friends that I've been hitting it on day one for decades. They're not looking at this as a real week. They still say, though, we've got the best food, the best beer, the best this and that. We'll play it cool for now. Maybe we can get into some more state fair jibber-jabber later on in the week.

But, you know, it's out there on the horizon. How was your weekend, Josh? Pretty good. How about yourself? Not bad. I saw a couple things in the last couple days that really brighten my spirits. Things I've never seen before. Like, say. Like over the weekend, one of my neighbors, the grandpa came over, came from Wisconsin.

They're heading off to the fair on Thursday? Probably. And they were doing some yard work. They invited grandpa over. He's a farmer, and he knows what he's doing. And I've never seen this before. He wore like, you know, old guy. khaki shorts that grandpa's wear.

He had that and he had suspenders, but no shirt. No shirt whatsoever. I like that love. Have you seen that look before? I know an old guy who will go suspenders, no shirt. Never saw that. Yeah. It was incredible.

I thought that's cool and that's a guy that's comfortable in his own skin. Absolutely. A lot of times it would because Grandpa's got a bit of a belly on him and those shorts are falling down, but that wasn't really the case with this guy. It's just his style. Yeah, that's just the way he did it. Some of the old boys like that look, shirt on or shirt off. The suspenders is their vibe.

Yeah, I know an old boy who will wear suspenders no shirt. And you know what? The part that I wait for, Josh, because you just got to wait for it. Eventually it's going to happen. Eventually, one of his nipples kind of slips out from under the suspenders. You know, one is still covered by the, but one of them kind of slips out. A little bit of a wardrobe malfunction. That's something you've got to look.

for. Next time you see an old boy with suspenders in no shirt, wait for one of those aerolas to slip out from behind the suspender. It's a thrill ride. There was a small part of me that wanted to take a picture and send it to you guys, but then I thought that'd be violating his privacy a little bit. You might come across as a little creepy. I just thought that was pretty cool. I'd never seen that. That picked up your spirits. Oh, yeah. And then on the way in this morning, thanks again to the folks that got 280 open, so I was able to see this. See, I just heard they shut it back down. Oh, that's not funny. Yeah.

Well, at least I got to drive on it twice. I hate everything. There's always next year. You're back to driving 280. Yeah. And so a guy today had a triple stacked bicycle. I've seen the double stacked bicycle. I've never seen a triple stacked bicycle.

And had a light show on it. Shirt on, shirt off. I couldn't tell because I was blinded by this light show that he had going. I never see anything cool like that. I think I saw this some bitch on the local news. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, obviously, it's very unique so I could see why.

That sounds so familiar that I believe I saw a feature on that gentleman on the local television news. Well, I hope it was him and not somebody stealing his bike. That could be at 3 o'clock in the morning? Yeah. You never know. Three bicycles high. Yep. Covered in Christmas lights and shining.

Was he playing some music, too? I couldn't hear anything. You could have. You're inside the motor vehicle. I think that man is famous here in town. Oh, cool. Yeah. I'm glad I got an opportunity to see him.

Next time you see him, asking what the hell he's doing up at 3 o'clock in the month. Yeah, I think look for that news clip just to make sure I can, it's the right guy. Look that up. I swear to God, when I saw it on the television news, not only does he decorate his bicycle with lights, but I think he has a sound system on that pig and he cranks out some of your favorite if he did, it wasn't super loud. Some of your favorite hits.

I'm not saying he'll do that to you at three in the morning, but... That's cool you've seen him, too. Yeah. Yeah, so you know exactly what I'm talking about. I think that's the guy. Well, no wonder you... I just see regular people on their bikes. I want to see this guy.

It's way cooler. Well, you have to come in earlier. At like 3 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, I got to come in about two hours earlier. Maybe the two of you will interact sometime. Ask him, hey, are you the guy from the television news? Did he seem like he appreciate someone? I don't remember so much the person as I do the bicycle.

So I couldn't tell you if, but no wonder your spirits were lifted. Those are two pretty unique things to witness in one weekend. Yeah, absolutely. So there you go. Are you going to the fair before we go this Saturday? No, no. I used to be my first time. I know you used to be almost daily.

Like I mentioned, I have family and friends who have been hitting day one for decades, and I used to be part of that group. But I kind of wore myself out on it. So it's been a number of years since I've done. day one. I wish I was a little bit closer than I would. It was a ritual for us. Mileage-wise?

Yeah. Like, I know I'm not really far away. Like, I'm only about, like, 25 minutes away from the fair. But I always, when I drive down there, I'm always so jealous of those people that are, like, right in those little neighborhoods that are, like, a couple blocks away from the fair. Like, oh, I would be such a degenerate.

I would be so broke. I'd be there every day. Why don't you just go from here? Oh, I guess that's all. No, no, not an option. I have a kid that I have to gather at some point. When I was a young person, Ashley, I was fascinated when I first realized that the state fair is in a neighborhood. And there are people who live in their houses only a block, two blocks from the fair.

I was thrown by that as a little kid because I imagined that the state fair was its own universe. Absolutely. You know, when you're a little kid, you don't understand. So I was totally jealous and enthralled by the idea of living walking distance away from one of the most glorious places on planet Earth. Some of those folks are making. Still to this day when I drive down to the fair and I see those homes so close, I think to myself, God, if I lived here, how perfect life would be. Were you going to bring up the parking? The parking.

Yeah, some of those folks are making good money offering their lawns to have folks park on there. That would pretty great. I would allow, because people will pay anything, some people will pay anything to be closer to their destination. I would allow some bitches to park in my living room. There's been moments where I drive past one of those houses and I'm like, maybe I should just pay the $75. Who cares? I'm going to spend a lot of money today anyway. I know some folks don't like it.

All the extra traffic trying to find a place to park can be difficult, even though you might live there. Right here, a guy just texted in and said, living. by the fair sucks. I've heard people say that. I imagine for some people it would suck, but... Especially if you don't like the fair in general. If you're not into it and you're not making money on suckers by allowing them to park in your

driveway on your front yard, if you're just not into the vibe in general, I can totally understand why you are not looking forward to the next couple of weeks. But here's a guy right away, he said, he's a 6-5-1 and he said, living by the fair totally sucks. Just Airbnb or house and get the hell out of

town for 10 times. Dude, I would totally grab an Airbnb over there. I didn't even think of that. I bet they're all completely sold out, but I like that idea. Really? You think people Airbnb to go to the fair? I could see that. I don't mean any disrespect to the fair, but... Honestly, I mean, like, I would love to do that just because it would be easier with a baby. So, I mean, there's probably other people out there who have the same thought as me. Like, then you don't have to drive that 30 minutes and get them all pissed off. You can just, like, leave the fair momentarily, hit a nap real quick at the house, go right back. Oh, that sounds awesome.

Does anybody have an Airbnb? One of my friends had a cousin that lived a couple blocks away from the fair. So he would go there right away in the morning, drink his nuts off, and then walk to his cousin's house a couple blocks away from the fair, sleep for two hours, go back to the fair and drink his nuts off all over again. Sounds like a dream. Josh, Beefwalk Jesus has texted in to say that his buddy, Beefwalk Jesus has a buddy, which it sounds like, a few of us would have bet against. Yeah. His buddy makes $15,000 in the two weeks of the fair on parking.

Oh my gosh. That's great. I didn't think it was that crazy. Oh, yeah, it is crazy. By the way, I made a brief mention. I made a brief mention of, you know, every year the Minnesota State Fair is rated as the best in the country. The food, the beer, the this and that. Let's take a moment here for a skisodes.

Go, bitches, Jesus. Says he can't get drunk at the fair this year. Well, that's a damn shame. Sorry to hear that. He says, court ordered 30-day no drinkie. Oh, yeah, you don't want to mess with that. He can't have a drinkie until September 10th, so he says, I'm cool if the fair just flies by, son. Flies by.

Court-ordered no drinkie, cubby. I've met some friends have rolled the dice on that. Oh, really? Sure. They don't have the monitor? What's that? They don't have the monitor? No, it was one of those systems where they had to call in each day.

And if it was their day, they had to go in and get tested. And they just rolled the dice that they wouldn't be their day. Oh, yeah. I only know two people that had it and they had the ankle monitor that could test or whatever the deal is that could test. That's a little bit more foolproof than calling in and saying, today is an orange day. Oh, shoot, I'm orange. I got to go in. This person says they're a flooring installer.

They've got a big flooring project to do by the fairground. He said he told the customers, nah, we'll wait till after the fair. I don't blame you. Yeah, you know, for some of us, it's glorious from day one until the bitter end, and we don't mind the traffic and we don't mind the this and that. But for others, I understand why it might be a miserable situation. If it gets in the way of how you make your living, if it gets in the way of your peace and quiet, I have sympathy for that.

10, 15, 20, 25 years ago, I never would have considered you people, but I get it. I get it. I cannot get over that. He makes that much money. 15 grand. I mean, at that point, I would just like, you know, take that time off of work, just sit on my lawn and get drunk every day. Maybe they do.

Maybe they do. I mean, think about like. It's a crazy awesome vacation you could take every year just by doing some extra work during the fair. Think about, like, who's really figured it out. Sweet Martha's makes about $5 million a year just in those 12 days. They're crazy. Pretty awesome. Did you say $5 million?

Looked it up. Yeah. $4.9 to $5 million during the 12-day run. My husband benefits from the state fair because of him selling meat. He has a couple of clients out there. And so it always benefits. Like this time of year, the paychecks are a little nicer than usual. So I guess there's probably a lot of more people that are benefiting from the state fair than I even know of.

A listener is texted in. You're always welcome to do so, of course. The Luther Plumington Kia text line is 651-9-8-9-9-8. 993. 93. Here's a guy who says, it is such a Minnesota thing to flex the state fair. I think I know what he means by that. And yeah, I agree. We're very proud of it. We talk up and down about that event. I'm not the type of guy that's going to sit down and say, so tell me about the new foods that you might be. That conversation is never appealed to me. But yes, we do. We do get a little uppity. over the state fair. He's right.

I wonder how much money the state fair makes just like the state of Minnesota in total. I don't have a frigging clue. Yeah, I'm not sure how that works. But speaking of $15,000 in a week, well, 12 days. Let's call it 12 days. We just got that text from Beefwalk Jesus. Said his buddy makes $15,000 because he allows folks to park on his property for the fair.

Another individual texted and said, you don't need the state fair to make $15 grand or week. He says he knows a guy. who makes 15 grand a week. He spells, spells and smells has nothing to do with it, really. His buddy sells cocaine and crack. Oh, shoot, yeah. And he makes $15,000 a week.

Living on easy, he's the street. He don't even think about that aspect. He doesn't smell it. He doesn't spell it. He sells cocaine and crack, and he makes $15,000 a week. So consider that. I don't remember the number, but it was up there. But my wife's friends ran a root beer float stand.

Just a little tiny stand out there, and they were making some pretty good money. Yeah, just about any damn thing. Another friend of mine, well, I should say more of an acquaintance, I guess. She has, she bought a caramel corn or kettle corn, little stand, right? Sure. Like those carts? Yep. And she hired her nephew to go around the country to various fairs.

And they made a ton of money off a kettle corn. I don't have that acumen. I wish I could think of something like that. That could have been you and your buddy, Nick, when you guys brought about that pranop machine. If you would have got that working, you were talking about it last week, you and your body could be going fair to fair,

filthy rich. That was our goal, you understand I'm sure, yeah, that was our goal. Last week I mentioned that me and Big Al went to an auction in the middle of nowhere's and we were highest bidder on a pranop machine. It had a little chain drive and the weaners go into

the thing, but we couldn't get it running. Yes, our goal was, Ashley, back in those days, to tour that pig around the county and see how much money we could make, and we just couldn't get it started. Getting various amounts of money, people texting on how much the state makes from the fair. Just the AI overview, no idea how accurate that is, says they have a $77 million budget, and they make $290 to $343 million for impact for the Twin Cities. Wow. Now there's a couple people listening this morning who want to start.

Sorry, there's a little more. So it does say the state itself doesn't make money. It's just kind of the surrounding area that makes some money. A couple folks want to start the argument between which is better the Renaissance Festival of the Minnesota State Fair. Now, for me personally, that's a ridiculous question. I love both so much. They're very different. But they are uncomparable.

I mean, the State Fair blows the Renfest out of the water. I think it's a ridiculous argument. I don't think you can compare those two together. No, you can't. I'm going to go ahead and do it. I'm going to go ahead and compare them. And one rules and one sucks. I guess the cool thing I can think of the Rent Fest.

I like all the dressing up. I like all the shops, of course. The State Fair has cool shops like that too. Rentfest is never going to have Weird Alperform. You just can't compare the two. They're two different. And, of course, I'm joking around. Josh is right.

I've been to the Renaissance Festival a couple, three times, and I had a good time. There's no way. It's always fun. There's no way I would ever, ever, ever compare it to the Minnesota State Fair. The beer line is shorter at the Renaissance Festival usually. That's pretty cool. Can you get a giant turkey leg at the state fair? Probably, right?

I guess I just haven't paid it. Yeah, I think it's at the same booth where they have those pork chops. It's more sexually charged at Renfest, that's for sure. Yeah, bigger boobs. I don't know about that. Depending on what time of day you go to the state fair, though. I don't know. I try to get out of there.

before all the, like, really, really. I know you guys hate when I say this, so I'll say really, really, really young kids show up. So like 20, 21. But I've left at the same time. They're usually coming. So around like 9 p.m. There's not much clothes being worn there. Not much clothes at all.

What are you doing? What do you mean? Again, with this 28-year-old person. Okay, there's a huge difference. If you put me in a 21-year-old next to each other, there's a huge difference in what we got going on. Ashley, I'm 51. There's a huge difference for me, not for you. The really, really young kids, the 28-year-old just said about the 20- and 21-year-old.

She's acting like that's when the 7-year-olds come strolling into the fair with her wallet chains in there. I don't get it. Actually, I'm at the age where I can call a 30-year-old a kid. Right. You're nowhere. You've got to stop that with the 21 to 28. They make me uncomfortable. If I wouldn't, like, look at them in a desirable way, then I think there's, like, a decent gap.

there because I don't find anybody under the age of like 25 sexually appealing at all because I look at them like their little kids. So you're more talking about who you want to bang? Yeah, I don't want to be like, because I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't know. The Minnesota State Fair just has so much more of anything that you're looking for than the Renaissance Festival, in my opinion. It's just so much bigger.

Anything you're looking for, they got so much more of it. So there you go. That'll be Thursday. I'm heading out to an event this week, Josh. I'll be going out on a school night. Wednesday night, so the night before the fair, I'll be headed down to the brand new Mystic Lake Amphitheater for a live concert. My first time there, I'll be going to see Toto. Awesome. I'd love to see Toto.

Chris Cross, not the rap act, the yacht rock dude. Maybe you know him by his full name Christopher Cross, the guy who sang the movie, the theme song to the movie Arthur. sailing is another one of his big hits i'm sure you're a member christopher cross who's headlining toto toto and the opening act will be the romantics what i like about you you're ready to help me tight everybody jump around gonna make you feel all right yeah that sounds fun something flippering in my ear tell you all the thing the romantics criss cross and uh Toto. I'll be thrashing around in the mosh pit for that one. Are you going to all of them? Are you going to go see the romantics too?

Might as well see all of them. I hear the secret that you keep when you're talking in your sleep. The dude had a little bit of a Lisp, the lead singer, at least back then he did. I don't even know if it's the same guy. The Romantics. I don't know. I haven't looked up the, what do they call it in the business, Josh? The roster of the band members. that'd be my first time at the new joint so do you know who's who that was what his name was yeah no I do not go ahead maybe I'll remember if you say it out loud uh there's a lot I don't recognize any of these names that's okay Wally Paul Palmer

that sounds I think his name was Wally yeah okay so was he still there yeah oh my god if that's the singer and according toto with the uh the Africa and the Rosanna and the hold the line love isn't always on time and we've seen him before seen him once or two twice before, Toto. So there you go. This is a great text. Winton saw Extreme Tesla over the weekend. Oh, yeah. I got a couple of messages from friends who were at that show. What does this listener say? Well, I like how they started Winton Saw Extreme and Tesla over the weekend. They're missing one. Right. Right. The main act. The main event was Motley Crew. I got to be honest. If I went to that show, I went to the Extreme and Tesla show. Did they say they walked out before Motley Crew took the... They don't even mention Motley Crew, which I Like, I thought I was a Nuno fan before.

Then I saw him live, unbelievable, put on a great show, ended with a great tribute to Ozzy. Whoa. Yeah, Nuno Betancourt, one of my favorite guitar players. That's right up your alley. Yeah, and it was funny. I had a few people, including Dana, send me video and pictures from the show. And I don't, it's not fair. It's not fair that he's one of the greatest guitar players of all time.

He's so hot. You know, and he's, you know, such a young kid. nearing 60 or just a pup. Is he hot? Oh my gosh. No, Beton. So he must have sold his soul, right? And I can only hope he has a tiny penis because he can't have all that.

It's not, I mean, he's rich. If he just would have hooked up with a legit band at some point in his career. Dude, you're not kidding. I mean, honestly, they've got some fun songs, but yeah. If he would have hooked himself up with just a different band? Yeah, it's fate, man. That's how it works. That's your title.

I could not get into their vibe. There are certain extreme songs where I just, my stomach turns over. What was that one? Oh, if you don't like what you see here. Get the funk out. Get the funk out. If you, oh God, I just wanted to bash my face into the radio until I would be unconscious. It was just so silly.

Yeah, and I know like they had. trumpets and stuff like that. I know you hated that. They had that trumpety kind of thing happening and it just wasn't my but there is one extreme song that I really do love, Josh. What's that? All the world's something or another something

or stop the world. I like that one. Too bad there's not two Nunoz because he can sing so well. Two Nuno's. Yeah. I'd imagine what he's doing on guitar would be a little tough to sing at the same time. You know my piss poor high school rock band because our lead guitar player who was wildly gifted,

he was the only guy in the band who was truly gifted and could have become a professional musician, the rest of us were hacks just looking to maybe get an H.J. out of the deal, but our lead guitar player was also a massive Nuno fan and still is to this day just like you. So because of his love of Nuno Betancourt, there was one extreme song that we would play periodically,

and it was that acoustic one, wing bita-d-boom-boom-bom-boom-bba-boom. not the love song, a little quicker pace, what the hell was it again? Wholehearted. Wholehearted. That's the one. Yeah, we used to play Wholehearted. That one I could handle.

Yeah, they got a few. Yeah, I had a couple friends who were at the Motley Crew Tesla Extreme Showdown. They sent me some text saying they're having a good time. They didn't. I expected I would get a text later in the night saying, oh my God, this is a disaster, you know, when Motley Crew took the stage. But they didn't say anything, so maybe the crew put on a good show. I'm hoping that they did.

Blons are just for practice. Jesus said Extreme was fantastic. Fantastic. I would let Nuno have his way with me. Tesla is always a solid choice. We left after one Motley crew song, the first song. Cool. Yeah, our awesome promotions director, Amy, sent me a couple videos. And she fell in love as well. She fell in love with him. And holy cow, did she have good seats.

Stop the world. Stop the world. Why, Josh. I know. Here with the lyrics. Why did he want the, I want to get off? That's what he would say. No, he doesn't have plans. He would like to get off the, all right, we got to get going in the right direction. We're going to go ahead with the stupid news report and all kinds of other shenanigans before you know. It would be back in a few minutes on the half-ass morning show. 93. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life.

Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on, Habs podcasters? We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard Heating and Air Conditioning come into play. If your AC is out, you shouldn't have to wait. Standard prioritizes homes without cooling, so they got your back. With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast.

Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work, and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialke. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today.

763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. These players are battered and exhausted, but you don't hurt like this if you don't care about this team, about this country, about this game. I think you can feel the intensity. The goals, the energy that, wow, look at us. Here in the U.S., I have got some news for you.

There's so much more to come. My name is Megan Klingberg, and we're just getting started. The U.S. Soccer Podcast, presented by Henkel. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Old Cubby. Ashley, Dana, everyone of us. Here we go with the latest in foolish behavior.

Now, I can't say that I've given this gimmick much thought just yet, but from what I'm told, there are some folks who are pretty wound up about flock cameras. Does seem to be the case. Cameras that can read the license plate on your motor vehicle, and then the police or the government or whoever can supposedly finger out who you are. Are right? Did I get that right? That's right. All right. Fair enough.

Flock cameras. Down there in San Diego, California, they've set up a few of those flock cameras. And one dude put on a pretty good show at his local city council meeting. The subject being flock cameras. The city council wanted to sit down and jaw jack about it. Dude showed up. He dressed, head-to-toe full-on fore-alarm. He showed up dressed as Darth Vader to sarcastically endorse flock cameras.

The emperor is a fan of flock, and we must continue utilizing flock technologies so that we can bottle and surveil the rebel scum. I need it so I can stop my. ex-girlfriend. Also, this is what the emperor needs. This technology will help us find the rebel scum and their hidden base

are off. Thank you. Roger Rouse. Roger Rott's cousin. I'm impressed by the imitation. That was good. I love him. He had some fans in the crowd there.

I'm pissed off at the article that I was handed because they did not include that killer line about his ex-girlfriend. That was news to me. There's a couple folks that are saying, and I'm sure it'll come out later, that this was fake. I really hope it's not fake. What do you mean fake?

Like it was AI. But, you know, it's like, it's so tough, at least for me to tell now. I have no idea. So there are people who, there are people who are claiming this never happened? There's a couple people who are claiming that, yeah. Oh. Mr. Vader. I googled it again today, and I didn't really see any news or anything.

organizations saying, uh-oh, we really screwed that one up. I mean, because a lot of news organizations published this. It was a meeting of the city of San Diego public safety and livable neighborhoods committee. So obviously, it was a packed house. Mm-hmm. And here comes Darth Vader into the room. Or it could have been the legendary Chad Vader. I have trouble telling the two of them apart, Darth and Chad Vader, with the two of them

being brothers and all. But anyways, he's at the podium. He's got the live, Mike. and he was there to be cute and sarcastic about the flock license plate readers. You heard what he said, I hope, there. The emperor is a fan of flock, he said. We must continue utilizing flock technologies so that we can follow and surveil the rebel scum. Like I said, the article that I had in front of me didn't mention that Darth or Chad Vader had that great line about how, what did he say?

I like to use it to stock my ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately, they have been used for that. Oh, oh, is that right? Yeah. Okay. Like I said, this subject is pretty new to me. I haven't followed it yet. He goes on to say,

we all know that flock cameras are not only following the license plate readers, following the license plate readers, they're following the children. This technology will help us find the rebel scum and their hidden base on Hoth. So what do you make of all that? Pretty funny and clever. Sometimes I think those things are annoying,

but other times they're pure genius. It gets better every time. He's the guy who started it all. He's the one that... Perfected it. I mean, Darth Bader was very good, very sarcastic. Was it Darth or was it Chad? Can you tell the two of them apart?

being reported as dark. Okay. Now, how other intergalactic characters like say Spock or Sulu or George Jetson feel about license plate readers is unknown at this time. But it says here, Flock cameras are watching our every move in over 6,000 communities across the United States and Tantawine. He was good. How did he, how did he, uh, How did he perfect the... They have like a little deal in there that does it. Really? Yeah.

If you rent one of the good... I can just do it and it's pretty cool. Is that right? Yeah. I love that kind of stuff. If I go ahead and rent me a top dollar Chad or Darth Vader outfit, it includes a gimmick that amplifies my breathing. I did not know that.

It's like a tape. Well, the one I saw, it's taped, right? You just press a button on and it does it. Oh. All right. So that guy's... funny, right? Oh yeah. No Hawk Welder Jesus said the Darth Vader guy would have made a bigger impact if he'd make dirt bike noises with his

mouth. Just saying. Yeah, the dirt bike guy. It's a passionate topic. That's for sure. Folks are stealing them, destroying them. Oh, my God. I guess no one in my neighborhoods brought it up yet, so. I've just seen some like videos here and there, but I don't really know what's going on, so I don't get too involved. Here we go. Let's define a code brown again

for the lucky bastards who have never experienced that type of misery. And I snatch this definition smooth off the godless internet. I felt the need to define it just in case there are folks out there who don't know. It says here now, a cold brown

typically refers to a humorous or informal term used to describe a situation where a driver of a motor vehicle experiences a sudden and uncontrollable need to use the restroom, usually a loose, watery stool. This term indicates a moment of panic or urgency. Next up here in the stupid news, we've got a 117 mile per hour code brown. Now that tops my career, Code Brown top speed. You did speed before? Oh, yeah.

Oh, God. I know I've been up around 90 miles per hour while experiencing a Code Brown ski. In a school zone? Actually, could have been. Actually, Josh, I hit 90-some miles per hour. When I hit 90-some miles per hour, that was actually a double code brown. Not only was I sweating bullets in the driver's seat racing to get to a toilet, but so was a passenger.

in my motor vehicle on that fateful day. We made it, but I'll tell you, the bathroom in that bait shop will never be the same again. Oh, no. Was it food poisoning? How'd you both get it? Drinking all night and eating raviolios and cold pizza and beef jerky. Both got salmonella somewhere?

No, no, it was drinking related. It was keg beer related that we both had a code brown simultaneously in my old Pontiac. And yeah, we let her buck up around 90. I know that. So here's the thing. I hate to blue bo, yeah. I am sorry to tell you that this here, 117 mile per hour, Code Brown, doesn't count. It will not go into the official record books because the guy was lying.

Which is, and I know what you're thinking, that's insensitive and disrespectful to real Code Brown sufferers. He was lying. Yeah. Yeah. It's stolen valor. I'll go along with that. The false victimhood. False victimhood.

But for real victims of their digestive system. Right. The story is a 30-year-old pile of dicks down there in the far southeastern United States. He goes by the name of Omar. He got himself pulled over. They pulled him on over to the shoulder for driving 117 miles per hour. Now, Omar told the cops that he was involved in a Code Brown, and he was trying to make it to one of those buck-ease joints.

You know the Buckees? Yeah, I've heard of those. Sure. They look amazing. Oh, wait. People tend to love them. Oh, never mind. That was a different animal.

Down south, there's a lot of these Buckees. I know a person or two has gone to Texas and they brought me back a Buckees hooded sweatsh. It's like a big deal. Don't they say it's like Walmart only better? I thought it was more of a gas station. Oh, yeah, but no, I've heard it compared to. a Walmart before, too. Yeah.

And don't get me wrong. I love what I'm not trying to kick Walmart in the ass. I'm just saying, that's what I always hear. It's like a Walmart on stairway. Whatever. I always watch videos of people like buying cool stuff from there and like stuff that you'll never imagine. Like I just watched a video of this girl going in there and she bought like herself some brand new like

dinner sets like balls plates somewhere. I was like, what is going on in these buckies? Yeah. They have that kind of stuff? So again, Omar gets pulled over going $170. He tells the cops, I got myself a code brown. I'm trying to make it to Buckees store, whatever they call it. Well, here's where he effed up.

The nearest Buckees to where Omar was pulled over was about 60 miles away. So he was blowing smoke up the cop's ass. He was trying to get code brown sympathy for driving so fast. That's why he's got to get going, man. He's a dirty liar. He's got a long drive ahead of him. Maybe he can only poop at Buckees. I don't know.

Well, there are people that can only poop certain places. Yeah, the old home bowl people. Omar is a liar. That's frustrating. And he was charged with reckless driving and super speeding and all of that. We were all on his side. Sure. Yeah, we all get it.

When I first read the headline, I thought poor Omar. I hope he gets some cold brown karma. Yep. Or it just absolutely blows up in his pants. Makes a mess right in the driver's seat. You're right, that's the best punishment. While he's on a date. embarrassing. Yeah, it has to be a very embarrassing situation. Yeah, he's on a first date.

117, he says. Okay, people are texting in it about Buckees. It's wild. I went, what's this listener say? Buckies is wild. I went to the second largest Buckees in the United States a few years ago. The biggest one now has 120 gas pumps. Oh, my goodness. They're calling it a huge gas station. I thought it was more of a Walmart Target type of a joint, but I've never been a number of it. been there? They got a lot of attention during the World Cup because Europeans and other foreigners were posting videos at Buckees with just their heads

exploded. They're like, you can get brisket at this gas station? This is insane. Yeah, that is pretty America. That's awesome. Here's a listener who wants to know if you have a code brown and you hit 88 miles per hour, does your code brown go into the past, present, or future?

Depends with the flux capacitor is working. Yeah, it depends on which movie. That was the speed back in those documentaries. What did they call that series again? Back to the future. Back to the future with Matthew Broderick and

Danny DeVito. Yeah, you got the right now. Dang it. Who was it? Michael J. Fox and don't get me, Christopher, don't tell me. From taxi. Lloyd. When this thing hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious.

Pleep. We hear so much these days. don't we about chicken dick cell phone scams or bitch ass internet scams we've become surrounded by that garbage

but keep an eye out there's still a handful of pissbag crooks hanging around town that will try and scam us the old timey way which is face to face

Josh had a favorite little poem back in the that went this way. He'd say, face to face, butt to butt, everybody bust a nut. Maybe you've heard Josh say that before. That's how he greets me. I walk in the morning. I get right in your face. And then I turn around, get right in your butt. Yep.

Isolate that if you want. There are still some folks out there who will try to scam us face to by God face, especially if you're an old timer, so make sure you're worn your great. Great grandma. Down there in Miami, a 31-year-old lady crook, she was going door-to-door trying to scam the blue hairs. A day or two ago, she tried fooling some Jurassic old lady. Monique is the name of this big crook, big ugly lady, crook. Monique was pretending to work for the old lady's bank.

Monique told the broken down old gal that her account had been compromised and this and that, and she tried to get grandma to tell her the numbers on her credit card and such. That was the scam. Well, Granny hangers, she wasn't buying it. She went ahead and dialed up local law enforcement. The police found Big Ugly Monique, the crook, and they tossed the irons on her. Now, business is about to pick up here. Once they got to the jailhouse, when they dumped the full naked body search on Monique,

the cops say that Monique's vagina was filthy, rich. It was dirty, rotten, filthy, stinking rich. Monique had $3,200 crumpled up in her inner cooter. It was coins. Oh, coins? Yeah, it was coins. Oh, again, I'm mad at, that's twice this morning where I'm not kidding. It wasn't really coins.

Oh, can you imagine? Oh, I wouldn't be a lot of coins. That would be insane. Hopefully they're dollar coins. Lifted up her skirt and squatting over a coin store. Yeah, she'd need suspenders down there to keep everything in. I should have known that. I was going to get mad at the author of this article again for leaving out pertinent information.

Okay. She had $3,200 in her coot house. And the cops think that the Cooter money was likely monies that Monique had snatched from old timers. As part of her high I work at the bank scam. They think this is money that she had put together from other door to door scams. So she gone. She should be. $3,200.

Man, they go after those old folks. How much of that you think might have been ones? If she's dealing with old people, she might have had a lot of... I mean, $3,200, Josh, you know you've been to casinos and whatnot. You've seen large amounts of... $3,200 could be just a thin stack of cash, depending on the bills, or it could be a giant... You know what I'm talking about?

I'm guessing maybe 20s. This is why you don't... Oh, here's... Go ahead, sorry. This is why you don't ever put money in your mouth. This is why you wash your hands after you deal with money. You have no idea what people are doing with the bills that are in rotation. Money in your mouth.

Do adults have a problem putting money? I mean, I could see you put it in your mouth and then the stripper comes over and you try and put it in her G-Strict. I'm thinking of like, I don't know, like little tiny scenarios. Like, oh, my hands are full and I'm trying to pay for some money. Oh, sure. I'll just put that there real quick. I've chucked a bill into my yap. I've got my hands are full.

I've thrown a billet before I put it down on the car. Yeah, I mean, oh yeah, we all know that money is ass filthy. So dirty. It doesn't slow me down. Doesn't most of it or all of it have cocaine on it or is that just a joke? I don't know. That's what folks say. It looks like it's hundreds and 20s.

That's quite a wad then for Monique to have in her. I don't think I got a $3,200 keyster. No, I don't think you do either. With 100, I don't even, I could probably get, I could get like 3. I can't do it. It's a lot better than you think. With hundreds. It's a lot better. Yeah.

Mine specifically or just your average? No, just your average. I just think of like the one time I saw a crap ton of money when I worked out of bank and I was like, oh, that's very underwhelming. I always thought that it would be like, like, I remember it was like thousands of dollars, thousands and I thought, wow, it's going to be so much money. And it was like just this like one little stack. We've experienced that. But this is up somebody's private part. But Ashley's right.

How do I say this? Referring to some of the motion pictures I've watched. That little dirty penny of yours, Josh, it's capable of amazing things. Yeah, maybe. I guess I have to give it a shot. Practice. Nick and I, we had a promotion where we gave away $10,000. Oh, God.

And they had a couple of dudes and suits. wheeled it out. They had glove, you know, like white gloves on in this big case. Like the dorks who handle the Stanley Cup. Pretty much, yeah. It was this whole fancy affair and they're wheeling it out. I'm like, I've never seen this much money in my entire life. I can't wait to see what it looks like. And underwhelming is exactly what it was. I think it was $10,000 bills.

It looked stupid. It was just as thin and unimpressive as you might. It was just huge, like an aquariums. Yeah. That's odd. It looked silly. I think on that particular evening, I think they were looking for the smaller dollar amount case and they couldn't find it. It must have been.

Because they put this thin little stack of bills, which was $10,000. But again, I think it was $10,000. They put it in the massive prize case and it just looked silly. We were expecting something amazing and it ended up being totally underwhelming. Like a bubble bath filled with cash. I couldn't wait. They're like, we're going to wheel it out. It was so exciting.

And then it was very underwhelming. I think you've got to get those printed in ones. That would have been more impressive if they were done it that way, but they did not. They were the casino people. What are we going to do? Question how they, you know, we were just spectators. Santa Claus was there that night. He was?

Yeah. I don't recall that. There was a guy that was dressed up as Santa Claus. I don't really know why. Was it around Christmas? Asked shot. You know, that I don't remember. I don't think so.

You know, it's funny how you can tell who are the drinkers and who are now. I don't remember anything about Santa Claus that evening, but Josh has, he retains these things. I bet he'd be a hell of a wing man. Lake Street handshake. Santa Claus? Oh, yeah. He definitely, I mean, it wasn't, there were strippers.

Do you remember the strippers? The whole bit was around strippers. Okay. No, I don't remember that that. So I don't remember why we were at the casino that night, but you do. That was the night we did. Are you smarter than a stripper? Which was fun.

That was a lot of fun. And they were smart. I mean, these girls dominated. They were so good at this trivia. That was a fun night. Lake Street Handshake Jesus has advice. Just continue using a butt plug every day, and then I can be the Michael Jordan of Keistering Cash.

Like Ashley said, it takes practice. You'd be surprised what that thing is capable of. I've seen some movies. All right. Anybody play pinball anymore? Sure. It's been a long time. I have a pinball machine.

I am the owner of a pinball. pinball machine. Damn thing don't work. I'm not too good at it. Down with you, Ashley. Interesting deal here. For the first time in nearly 70 years, kids can legally play pinball in the state of

South Carolina. About time. The governor signed off on this. For the longest damn time, playing a game of pinball was for adults only in South Carolina. He had to be 18 and up. It says here there weren't

Too many people in South Carolina who took this law terribly seriously. But still, there were bar owners and whatnot who have been saying for years, hey, can we do something about this stupid pinball law? So I don't have to worry about getting a ticket or a citation or whatever for letting a kid play my pinball machine. You got yourself a bar and grill type of a scene. You got a couple of pinball machines. They don't want to have to worry about that. So.

That's true. You get somebody in a bad mood. and you're going to get a ticket for that. Right. Now pinball, if you want a little history, pinball gained popularity during the Great Depression. I don't know if you knew that. I didn't know.

Way back in the 19 and 30s by and I thought it was newer than that. Boy, I bet those original pinball machines sucked back then. Probably. Just an uneven table with a rock out on the sidewalk in the middle of the city, derelicks everywhere. Did you guys ever make a pinball machine in school? Hell no. Oh, wow.

Jesus. My older kids did. It was pretty cool. Made a pinball machine? Yeah, it's out of wood. Oh, I was picturing lights and... No, no, no. But it was cool.

I mean, my daughter made one that was Minnesota Twins themed. I wonder if she still has it. It was awesome. It worked. Back in those days, back in the 30s, grown folks worried that their children would skip school or spend their lunch money to play pinball or make bets on pinball.

And they probably did. Well, actually, I can tell you later on in this story. They did. Parents were worried that their children would turn into derelicts, skip school, spend their lunch money on pinball. And it sounds like that was the idea 70 years ago when South Carolina banned pinball for kids. They thought the game would turn little kids into gambling addicts and alcoholics and sex addicts. There was a fear. And they made the law 70 years ago. Everyone forgot about it, and it sat there, and it sat there, and it sat there. And again, not many people cared except for a handful of bar owners.

Now, Lottieus probably know the 1970s saw a big boom for pinball machines. They got more colorful and complex with multiple flippers and sound and all that. So in South Carolina, for decades, the offense playing pinball under the age of 18, was put in the same category as running away from home or going to an R-rated movie underage. So like I said, nobody was too worried about it. By the way, when we were kids, you tell me, if you have a different answer.

I don't know anybody who ever got stopped at the door for trying to go to an R-rated movie. Oh, I do. Oh, yeah, big time we did. Really? Mm-hmm. Yep. What happened?

They just didn't let you in. Yeah. Like they checked your ID and everything? Well, they just, just asked if you, well, yeah, if you had an ID, right, you had a driver's license. Yeah. If you didn't have one, you couldn't come in. Well, that sucks.

You'd get carded at the door, and then when you bought the ticket, but then the other thing was you buy a ticket to go see Lion King, you know, a PG movie. Right. Just so you could walk into the theater. Sure. But then they had people checking tickets at the actual theater itself. No kidding. Yeah. That's crazy. They knew that trick.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Do you remember, Josh, what you were trying to see where you got stopped at the door? Boy, it was nothing that I even knew was rated. are, to be honest. I'm trying to remember what it was. Huh. I always thought that was just a... Like a lethal weapon, maybe, or it was something like that.

I never heard once of anyone getting stopped at the movie. Me either. I worked at a movie theater, and they were really strict about it. Really? All right. And they would specifically target R-rated movies that know kids wanted to see like American Pie, Jackass, like ones that were like hot at the time.

They knew that 15, 16-year-olds were going to try to sneak in, so they would really amp up the security for... Unnecessary. reasons, by the way. Did not know that was a thing. I'm sure they're not beefing up the security for like a drama that's a rate of R. Yeah. Keep in mind, though, there was a couple of guys I worked with that they made a little extra cash on the side. Sneaking the kids into the kids. I love that kind of hustle. They never said a word. I remember I remember being, you know, 11 years old and going to see R-rated movies. No one said Dick Tracy. Anyway, it says here there was no record of a minor

who ever had to face charges for illegally playing pinball. South Carolina. That would suck. But the threat of breaking the law did hangover business owners' heads, and they didn't like it at all. Here's one dude's story, an old-timer, a senator there in South Carolina. He says when he was young, he would spend most of his $20 weekly allowance meant for food and gas that his parents would hand to him every week. He would spend it on pinball. He wound up eating cheap peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day with what he had. had left over because he spent all of his money. And this guy's older than the hills.

This is way back when. He said, that's all we wanted to do was go play the pinball machines. Well, get better at it so you don't blow all your money. You can go ahead and tell that, man. I will. Whatever you want. All you do is just hit the button as hard as you can, right? Over and over and over again.

And you tilt the machine back and forth a lot. The machine loves it when you do that. Lift it up, jack it around side to side. Here's another guy, 42-year-old. says he was a habitual offender of this law. He said he often took his six-year-old kid to play pinball at a local brewery. His son liked the machines with the X-Men and the Ghostbusters on them. Yeah, they can make them cool. Unbelievable today's pinball machines, particularly two that a couple of my friends own. A Metallica pinball machine, it's just unbelievable how much fun

these games are and with the sound and the songs. I mean, you can play any Metallica song. Another one of my buddies, I've yet to play it yet, but I've seen, you know, video of the friend of mine's got an Iron Maiden pinball machine. Josh, it's unbelievable. I've seen that one. Multiple flippers and that's expensive. Again, maybe more than anything, it's like a, it's like a freaking boombox. It just will play any maiden song you want. Awesome stuff now. I have an An old pinball machine, an old kiss pinball machine. And I can't get the sunbitch to work. I've had a couple guys come in and finger-bang it, and it works for a week, and then it dies again.

A few people are saying there's security guards now at movie theaters. I know they'll have off-duty cops. Really? Yeah, like after six or whatever. Well, that's a damn shame. I had no idea that it was ever something that was enforced. So there you go. Sports.

On the 93-X half-assed morning show. Fascinating. A few of our listeners have texted in. And they've named the R-rated movies that they were unable to see in person at the theater because they were carded at the front door. Didn't know that was a thing. God dang it, Josh. One of our listeners was unable to watch a few good men in the theater.

Oh, that's a great movie. By the way, never saw it. Oh, it's excellent. Was unable to go into the theater. and see a few good men. Another kid, well, not a kid. He's an adult now, but he got Blue Ball back in the day trying to see Terminator 2. Oh, that sucks.

Also a great movie. Turned him away at the gate. What we used to do is say the four of us were going to an R-rated movie, but one person was underage and they couldn't buy a ticket. Three of us would buy tickets to go in there and then would bring out somebody else's ticket stuff for the younger person to be able to get in the door. Right. We've done that with concerts over the years. Oh, sure. Yeah.

We had a buddy that worked at a movie theater, and you could. go the their bathroom was upstairs at this theater and there was two doors one went to a back alley basically and so you just go open that door let folks in they'd come through the bathroom and you're good to go and what's the problem you might see a couple of boobs for Pete's sake you know what I mean well especially a few good men like can you hear some F bombs is that going to really traumatize you are there no boobs in that movie no boobs no violence just F bombs well then I haven't missed a damn thing one of our listeners says I grew up in Utah we tried to go see team World Police.

That didn't work. Underage, that didn't work for them. They got shut down. Team America World Police. Fun movie. Josh, you know what? What? I'll have sex with you,

but first, you have to promise that you'll never die. I promise. That's the most graphic sex scene I've ever witnessed. And the hottest. Yeah, I like it. I don't know about the hottest.

That turned me on. Oh, not me. What was her name again? Lisa? Lisa. What she was willing to do, that turned me on. She was willing to do anything. That's why I think of it differently than you do.

We'll agree on graphic. You weren't turned on at all? I was. No. Lisa will do anything. Give me her watch, Josh. She would happen. And I am up for anything.

At least I was back when I saw the movie. Oh, I've told you before. One night, few buddies hanging around pocket billiards at my house. A friend of mine decided to turn on the sex scene from Team America World Police with Lisa and the hell was the male leads name. Rick. I can't remember. I don't know. I've only ever seen the sex scene because of you guys.

Yeah, that's all you need. Gary. Gary. So while we're shooting pool, a friend of mine decided to put on the sex scene from Team America World Police on the, what do you call it, the DVD player. And he hit the super slow-mo. So what in real time is a three and a half minute sex scene turned into 28 minutes or something, right? Every single move they made. Well, Wang, my buddy Wang, he's not built for that.

And Wang literally was gagging, like leaning over a trash can, preparing to throw up. No way. When the Cleveland steamer. God, that was fun. Where was a garbage can located in your house? In the corner. It was in the corner? Yeah.

Twins had a forgettable series in San Diego. The Timberwolves were sold again. That was just a couple of things that we can cover in a half hour when Randy Schaever and Brad Riders show up. Josh's news report is coming up next. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on, Habs podcasters?

we're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard Heating and Air Conditioning come into play. If your AC is out, you shouldn't have to wait. Standard prioritizes homes without cooling, so they got your back. With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.

Years of hard work, and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com.

That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Start your day with the morning jolt of Drake Seet-Toll. See, now it's on demand. My podcast is kind of a real. radio thing, I think, but also it's a bit of a TV show, and it's about whatever I want it to be. It's listening live as it happened, when it happened, with the instant reaction. Your home for talking sports.

We go back, the Drake Toll Show, Westwood One Sports Network, and there will be on demand on your radio. Anywhere in the country, I'll see you there. Westwood One Sports Talk, your home for Drake C. Toll. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. 93x half-assed morning show. I should be kidding me. Who greenlit this garbage? 93X.

I've got 32 years in in law enforcement, and I do have to say this is probably in the top five of the most bizarre things that I've ever seen. A 43-year-old Florida mother is accused of attacking her husband biting off his ear while he was driving on the freeway with their two young children in the car, and then, according to police, laughing as the blood poured. Christ, was he able to keep her between the lines while his wife was biting his ear smooth off of his skull? Great driver. Yeah. He did. He kept everyone alive.

The incident happened about 8.15 p.m. Saturday, August 15th. Amy Baker and her family were headed home from a boat party in Fort Lauderdale when the couple began arguing. Baker's husband told authorities the fight stemmed from past problems in their relationship. During that argument, Baker called her husband several derogatory names. He responded by asking her, hey, who's the one with the felony? Baker was. It was Baker. His wife.

Apparently, she wasn't content to let her previous felony go without a sequel. Baker then struck him on the left side of his face while he was driving. About two minutes later, she whipped up a recipe for disaster, and Baker grabbed her husband's face and had with both hands and bit into his ear. God, dang. The husband, understandably not thrilled about becoming a snack, said he was in shock at the sheer amount of blood and drove himself to the hospital. He told investigators he never touched her struck Baker during the altercation.

He thought they were just having a disagreement, but apparently she thought they were having lunch. After the cartilage carnage in the car, Baker laughed and didn't appear to take the severity of the situation seriously. She don't care. Girl, you bit my ear off. She doesn't care. The charges are serious, though. She's facing one count of aggravated battery and two counts of child neglect. The kid's witness, dad's ear getting bit off by mom.

Some therapy, some light therapy there, at least. He kept her between the line. Good for him. Put this some bitch on the NASCAR circuit right now. A dog got an unexpected field trip after someone stole a truck with the pup still inside. Police in Sebring, Florida responded after receiving reports of a stolen vehicle. According to investigators, the truck's owner parked outside City Hall, left the vehicle running, and went inside while the dog remained in the truck.

About a minute later, authorities say a passerby saw an opportunity and decided to upgrade from pedestrian to driver without completing any of the required paperwork. Fortunately, the driver had a happy ending for the furry passenger, according to, excuse me, authorities located the truck. And shortly afterward, the dog was founded in nearby home and reunited with its owner. Shmopey. While we're thankful, no one, human or canine, was injured during this incident. It serves as an important reminder.

If you don't want your vehicle stolen, lock it and take the keys, the police department said. Probably thought maybe his dog would do some guarding. Of the vehicle. Dog was just happy to have a new friend. Some dogs are involved in that. Others are not. The Highlands County Sheriff's Office K-9 unit was deployed to search for the suspect, but unfortunately, the suspect who stole the truck was not located.

He remains at large? Yeah, he does. F me. A man decided Coney Island need a little more reptile energy and brought his own supply. On Thursday, the Department of Environmental Conservation put out information about an incident after an officer spotted a large snake surrounded by about a dozen people, including children. Apparently, one snake wasn't enough. According to the agency, a man was also carrying a second snake, a ball python, around his neck,

while handling and showing off a Burmese python to the crowd. Pretty cool. An officer asked the man about the larger snake, and he admitted it belonged to him. The agency described that python as a dangerous species and said they are illegal to have. So the man's impromptu snake show came to an abrupt end, and he was ticketed for a legal possession, and the Burmese python was confiscated. Probably is he getting loads of attention from the ladies? He got plenty of attention.

Yeah. Worse it. Families. Everybody loved the snakes there, but you didn't have one of those. G. and Argatar Slash made a startling confession, one that sounds like it could involve a prescription, a doctor's appointment, or an awkward phone call to an ex. Apparently, he's a herpophile. For a guitarist with the status and career success of Slash, you might think he's accomplished all of his dreams,

but a new one just came true. Researchers with an appetite for discovery unveiled a newly identified snake. It'll be called Slash's Ground Snake, named after the legendary G&R guitarist. Like fellow rocker Tommy Lee's penis, Slash's Ground Snake is non-venous and can measure about 28 inches. As a longtime herpophile, I'm extremely honored and humbled to have a snake from New Guinea named after me.

It's really exciting. Herpophile? So what does that mean? He's a lover of snakes. I never imagined this moment would arrive, he said. Flash's ground snake was discovered, researched, and identified as a new species by biologists from the Field Museum, and one of them isn't just a fan of reptiles.

She's also a massive Guns and Roses fan. Guns and Roses has been one of my favorite band since I was in first grade. And by fifth grade, I'd already told my teacher I wanted to study reptile, she said. So when I was 12 and got my copy of Reptiles magazine in the mail, it had a picture of Slash holding his pet python on the cover, and I thought, this guy is cool, the sweet child of science said. The human slash has been well known as an enthusiast of snakes and a supporter of reptile conservation and museums for years.

I did not know that. Well, Slash's snake pit. He was on a serpent tour. That puts a whole new spin on Slash's Snake Pit, which was one of his side projects in case. Folks don't know. I remember him being wrapped in a snake in the music video for patience, but I never thought that meant he was an enthusiast.

He loves him. Well, there you go. While Slash has officially gone. Somebody's got to love them, right? Snakes? Yeah. A lot of people do. I think they're cool.

While Slash has officially gone reptile, Tommy Lee went primate. The Motley Crew drummer recently visited Save the Chimps' 150-acre sanctuary in Florida, which provides refuge in Kemp. for chimpanzees rescued from labs and pet trades, as well as the entertainment industry. Is Bubbles there? Bubbles is dead. Bubbles is dead? During the visit, actually, I have no idea.

I'm just assuming. Maybe he's alive and one. Did you post this, Ashley? Yes, I did. We've got to find out what's going on with bubbles if he's still kicking. Yeah, let's check out Bubbles. That was Mike Jackson's monkey in case you don't know. Yeah, Bubbles is still going.

Yeah. How old is Bubbles? 43 years old. Where's it yet? Bubbles has seen some things. He's at a peaceful retirement home. called Center for Great Apes in Wachaloo, Florida. Well, that's wonderful.

Jesus, he escaped Mike Jackson, but now he's in Florida. Can someone give a chimpanzee a friggin' break? During his visit, Lee stopped by to see Limbani. He's in a temporary habitat. The nine-year-old chimp is the youngest primate at the sanctuary, and before arriving there, he'd never met another chimp. Before he joins the rest of the troop, he got a private concert from Lee. He apparently responded with some...

eager rhythmic dancing when Lee was playing some bongos for him. Oh, yeah? It's cute. The two also collaborated on a project. They made a painting together. Oh. And it sold at auction for $5,000. Maybe they wrote a song.

No, that was my hope, too, in the first part of the sentence. I'll tell you, Tommy could use all the help he can get when writing a song. You know, a chimpanzee probably would have done some good for some of Tommy's songwriting in the past. This is up in 93x.com, he said? Yep. Cool. Why text at the speed of light when you could text at the speed of a slightly out of shape bird? Two mobile apps are proving that patience is in fact a virtue and a business model,

letting users communicate at the speed of carrier pigeon and people are flocking to it. Fun. I was wondering if you guys had heard of these. These were news to me. No, I haven't heard of them. They sound cool, though. Roost's social and carrier pigeon. They have no affiliation with each other, but they both were.

building sizable audiences around the same low-tech idea, messages that don't arrive instantly. When creating an account, users enter their location, then craft a message and send it to a friend who also has the app. From there, the message travels at roughly the amount of time it would take the selected animal to physically fly, crawl, or otherwise make the trip between the two locations in real time. Carrier Pidge keeps things strictly Pigeon. In the app, pigeons cruise at about 110 miles per hour considerably faster than actual pigeons, which fly about 50 to 60. Roost, meanwhile, offers a whole menagerie of messages, including birds and other animals. Users can even select a red-eared slider turtle, which delivers messages at a robust one-mile-per-hour.

Roost developer put it plainly, people are worn out from technology being wedged into every corner of their lives and are looking for a way to loosen its grip, he said. Waiting three days for a big fat turtle to deliver happy birthday might just be the ticket. Of course, not everyone has the patience to let a message take the scenic route. In fact, most Internet users apparently have no tolerance for waiting at all, so much so they've named a rule after this, the four-second rule, the amount of time the average Internet user will wait for a page to load before leaving and going to another site.

Four seconds, huh? Yeah, that's probably right. Four seconds. You're online quite a bit, Josh. Do you find yourself be growing more and more impatient over the years? You know, sometimes like, I would say I did for a little bit and I've swung back the other way. Or if you see an ad and it's like 30 seconds, there's times I'm like, ah, for crying out loud. Yeah, I got time for that.

I remember you mentioning once how you had kind of an awakening where you're, you know, you were trying to watch a video. The ad was only 45 seconds or something like that, and you gave up on it. And you said to yourself, Jesus, what's happening to me? I can't, I can't wait 45 seconds to see a... I did feel that way. But sometimes it's like, okay, for work, I got to watch 10 videos in a row. You got to get through it.

And then sometimes you want... Yeah, it's the same commercial every time. Yeah. And then there'll be two, all of a sudden there's one in the middle of it, too. Jesus, Paul. Are you trying to record something or play it live on the year? Sometimes, yeah, it's excruciated. The moment's passed.

Yeah. Right? Especially if it's like it's like. live on the air. I kind of go back and forth. Like, I like sometimes when I'm watching TV for like when I watch football in the fall, I get

commercials again because of whatever streaming service I use. And I miss those for a while. And I'm like, oh, commercials are nice, nice little break. You can go potty. Yeah. Grab some funnions or something. Have a conversation without my husband telling me like, do you want to pause it? Do you want to pause it?

Pause it. Sneaking and a quickie maybe? Yeah, I guess I don't really mind. commercials. I haven't reached that point yet. Even radio commercials don't really bother me. I know there's fewer and fewer of us, I think. Those bother me. That's probably where it all started. I don't support and supported business. Neither do I. I don't think anybody should. It's just kind of funny, right? People hate commercials. Kind of think universally for the most part. But then there's television shows about great commercials. And I realize that it's different there, but it's kind of funny how Folks still want to watch a commercial.

But during the Super Bowl, for some people, that's the appeal. Yep, that's the whole reason they even tune in. The Mall of America's foot traffic is about to spike, mostly from people running after replacing. We've seen that before. Unfortunately, right? Yeah. I think it's been a while. There was a time where it was the place to run for your life instead of fun for your life, their slogan.

And what was the other one? There was another one, people said. Because the slogan was there's a place for fun in your life and then everyone said run for your life. Yeah, that's the only one I can recall. It was a lot of laughs 30 years ago whenever that joke first kicked in. Yeah, somebody else came up with another one. Onionhead.

We Ashley made a little video for Onion Head a couple years back. Yeah, that was so much fun. That was cool of them to ask you to do it. You did a great job. I was so incredibly nervous. I am not good in front of camera at all. It looked like a natural to me. Oh, that was probably like the 10th take.

You were a newscaster. Yep, yeah, that's a lot of fun. Or a report, like an on-the-scene reporter. One of my favorite parts about that day is they asked me a couple days beforehand, like, hey, you know, do you have any clothes that would look natural if you were a reporter? Like, you know, maybe like a collared shirt, just nicer dressing clothes. I did not. So I had to go and buy stuff like before we started.

I had to go run around the Mall of America and find some like business type attire. And the stuff I came up with was, I mean, like I found like this silk orange button up shirt. And I thought, yep, this is, this is it. This is going to do it. The videos they ended up using were the videos where I wasn't wearing that ridiculous shirt. They're probably like, girl, this looks so stupid. Okay, I need to be caught up here. I don't recall what this onion head thing is at all.

What are we talking about? We had him in studio that was a new, like a, what would you just? It's like an attraction. It's like a haunted experience. Yeah, like a haunted attraction at the Mall of America. Okay. And it was this guy, he wrote this whole story about Onion Head. An evil character that eats children and whatnot.

Yeah, so it's like a haunted house. They had like a little speakeasy. It was a cool idea. It was fun. The speakeasy part was so sweet. And you played some role in the live? It was recorded. Oh, you played some role in an onion.

Head video? Yeah, so I was pretending to be the newscaster that was like breaking the story about the Onion Head coming around and slaughtering people. Okay. And so, yeah, when you went through the haunted experience, they would play those recordings. Okay, there you go. Onionhead was replaced by a 13th floor entertainment group. And they, with Twin City Fear Fest, and they're bringing it back for a sophomore scare,

this time with a hockey mask. From September 25th to November 1st, Twin City Fear Fest will feature two new Halloween mazes, including the Friday the 13th-th-th themed Jason Universe, surviving the night. Guests scramble through a labyrinth while trying to avoid the omnipresent madman. So a maze where getting lost is the least of your problems. Getting found is worse. The other new attraction is Dead City Uprising, a zombie-themed survival experience. So if we've ever wanted to spend an evening wondering whether you're faster than a zombie,

Here's your chance to find out. Not every Halloween memory needs to involve being chased by something with a machete, however. There's also a more family-friendly Halloween destination called Magic of Halloween, with daytime and evening hours centered around pumpkin displays, interactive games, and photo opportunities for the family. And then Freddie Kruger shows up, right? Yeah. And he literally kills one person each show.

That's a fun part. Yeah, literally. Nobody knows who it's going to be. That sounds awesome. You walk out, you're like, whew. I thought it was going to be me there for a second. I'm relieved. In addition to the main attractions,

there's going to be three add-on experiences, including Jason Universe Directors' Cut, an interactive game centered around Friday the 13th lore. And for Thrill Seekers 21 and over, there's also Deadshot Alley and Sanctum Secret Bar, where guests can grab a drink and calm their nerves or get scary drunk. Yeah, it sounds awesome.

I missed it last year. And actually, I didn't know Onion Head was over, but this sounds really cool. A few different opportunities to go get scared. Yeah. You got a good reason. They do a great job. Dave Chappelle, 53 today.

Champ Kind in the Anchorman movies, Todd Packer in the office, David Kekner, 64, also Rick the Pilot and Snakes on a plane. Todd Packer. Congratulations to Chaos Vortex Jesus. Today is his last day after 15 years on the job. tomorrow begins his 16th year on the job. Happy 14th to Mark. I was so excited for him at first.

Yeah, me too. He's really going the right way. He had me too. Happy 14th birthday to Mark from Mom and Dad, vertically challenged Jesus, and happy 55th to Team Busted Jesus. That's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder

on the half-ass morning show. Dennis has promised us that every time the Vikings win a football game. He will play the drums for us in the final segment of the program. So stay with us because you're going to hear the man play the drums with his own band. We're going to close it. Yeah. Let's close out the show with the man in the moment. Dennis Green. Go by the best. They've got up in the ring. Go! Put your hands together. There you go. Randy Schaber, Brad Ryder. Good morning and welcome with the programski.

Good morning. Good morning. Sunshine music band. We, yeah, we started off. started off with some audio from back in the day when Randy Shaver and the late great Dennis Green hosted a little football talk show. Was it just called The Dennis Green Show? It definitely was the Dennis Green Show. Hosted by Randy Shaver. You know, I think that goes so far back, Randy. I don't think your nuts had dropped yet. You sound different. I tell you. You get much more of a young man's delivery. Yeah, it sounds like I'm 12.

Yeah, you sound like a young buck. You and the coach had some laughs back in the day. We did. We had a good time. Did you ever just come and just pissed off after a loss? Yeah, you know, I said this back in that during that time that Denny was great in the hallway, and he was vanilla on the show. Sure.

He was, I mean, he said some things in the hallway that I really wish we could talk about on the show. just knew it was off the record. Well, yeah, because he never talked bad about his players, ever. And so I got the real skinny in the hallway, but when the show started, I knew that I tried to lead him down a few paths, but he really just, he did not want to trash on his players. You can say that about a lot of coaches. I wouldn't run a lot of coaches, too, and they, would tell you one thing when you were in their office alone,

and then when they went in front of the media, it was a completely different. I'm sure, yeah, that becomes it. Yeah, he didn't want to give away too much live on television. What night of the week did you record that program? Or was it live? Well, we recorded it as if it was live. But, you know, that's a good question. Because when Dana asked, you know, did he ever come in pissed off?

Was this a Sunday night show where you went on? No. Okay. No. No, I think we recorded it. Probably on Tuesday night, I'm going to guess, because that was the players. You know, Denny started Tuesdays in the community in the NFL. That was really Denny's idea.

I call it Tuesdays in the community. He started that, huh? I believe so. Oh, yeah. So I think we recorded that on Tuesday nights, I think. They wanted me to do Wednesdays, Covey. You stuck to your gun. I said Tuesday is when the coach will be in the community.

And what was the song that you played? Is Sunshine Music Band? Well, I don't, that one was different, but it's eyes never lie. That was the name of the song. Now, you got to help me out. Did Denny have a regular band called the Sunshine? Yes, okay. Correct.

He would play. He played gigs in town? I don't remember ever buying a ticket to see Denny play a. No, I don't. I don't remember. But that was his band. That was his guys. Cool.

Always the same guys that came in. And, of course, Denny only... Percussionist. He only played the drums if they won the week before. Oh. And if they didn't win, then the band still played, but Denny was not a part of it. Oh, yeah. That's funny.

Yeah, if we win, only babies get what they want. Men got to earn it. That's right. I would hand him the sticks. Was it his idea to play the drums or did you come up with that idea? Nope, that was his idea. Well, we missed those days. That's just good old-fashioned fun right there.

He was a character, wasn't he? Oh, my gosh. Good old-fashioned fun. Mid-90s? Yep, so much incredible material. Thanks to Denny Green. There you go. Josh, I know we both probably like to give credit to the listener who sent us that audio,

but I don't recall. Yeah, it's killing me. I'm trying to find, I wrote it down somewhere, and I apologize. Maybe get back to us if you're the one that sent it. You know who you are. That was nice of you. send us that audio. All right, gentlemen. Now, I don't get involved in fake practice football games. I barely get involved in the real games anymore, but it says here in that Vikings practice game over the

weekend, totally unproven and injury-prone third-string quarterback J.J. McCarthy was bad, and Max Brosmer was even worse. I don't know if any of he's watched, but that's the headline that I read. Just read about it. Yeah, I saw a video clip. of some poor passes that we're throwing, but other than that, I did not watch. Fair enough. Yeah, I mean, first of all, it's hard to watch preseason football.

Yeah. I think it was a noon game on Saturday. You're just coming around to that now, huh? That it's hard to watch preseason football? Well, I mean, it's always been hard to watch. But when you play a game and it's 13 to 3, I mean, that's like even worse. I just wanted to give you a window of opportunity to discuss it if anybody wanted to go off.

I mean, I think the biggest storyline, Nick, is going to be whether J.J. McCarthy is actually on the roster once they make some decisions. Right. Teams don't play their regular players very much at all during the preseason. No. So if you're expecting someone, some big-name quarterback to get hurt and the Vikings are going to, to trade McCarthy to help because that team is in need of a quarterback. I don't think that's going to happen because unless they get hurt in practice, and that's usually not going to happen either for a quarterback because you can't touch them.

You know. You barely touch them in a real game either. Here's a question. Yeah, the other scenario that could happen is a team might be really dissatisfied with their backup quarterback. Right. True. after watching preseason games. That's true.

And they might want to, they might take a flyer on him. If I was a GM, I would need my entire quarterback room to go down before I'd start to entertain the idea of bringing to McCarthy. I don't disagree, but. I don't know, though. Like a fireworks accident or something. Exactly. Some guys are losing fingers.

There's probably some GMs out there that look at his age and look at what he's done in the past and say, you know what, I think it's worth a shot. You're not going to get anything. The Vikings probably wouldn't get more than a fifth or a sixth round pick. If they get a fifth round pick, they should pull the trigger now. Everybody gets a second, third, fourth, fifth chance at it. So sure, there's somebody out there who, now here's a question from Blackbeard Jesus, and you guys are really going to enjoy how he begins his text message.

He says, hey, can you ask Harry and Lloyd over there? Is that me and Randy? Why isn't McCarthy playing the entire game that's the only? only way he's going to get better. That's a question from Blackbeard. He got hurt. What? I heard he tweet something on...

Oh, JJ, the Iron Man? What? Yeah, I know it's hard to believe, too. I saw a clip after the game of KOC getting asked about J.J. McCartney. He was banged up. He just had this look on his face where he was just like, I can't wait till I never have to talk about this kid ever again. All right, so there you go.

Hey, a Kansas City Chiefs kicker by the name of Harrison Butker. What does it say here? He's going into the unofficial kicking record books. He kicked a 69-yard field goal. What? Pretty crazy. Yeah. Over the weekend, that was Saturday against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers

in a practice football game. Dana, were you fired up? It was pretty nice, wasn't it? That's why his teammates were all fired up. I just got that. That is a nice length of field goal, isn't it? I really thought we were going to get past the number 69 just once. I didn't even notice it.

I didn't it. So it won't be official because it was a practice game. Right. But it does technically go down as. You know a 70-yard field goal is coming. It'll happen. It's coming. It's crazy.

Damme, you take the touchback and just kick a field goal. Yeah. I saw some chatter about they need to make the field goals tighter. Oh. Not as wide. because the kickers are getting too good. That'd be kind of fun. Why don't we just go back to the regular football?

I mean... I'm sorry? Now they've had that K ball the last few years. That's a harder ball, which means it'll go further. Well, why don't we just go back to the regular ball? Currently, the longest field goal in NFL regular season history belongs to Cam Little.

This dude actually owns the longest and the second longest field goals in a real game. This Cam Little character who kicks for Jacksonville, He made a 68-yarder last season. He also made a 67-yarder last season. So he's in the official record books as number one and two. This Butker would have broken the breaking, how do you are I say it, Josh, would have broken the record had it been a real game.

It was not. I am all in favor of making a 70-yard field goal worth three and a half points. Three and a half. Let's do it. Not four. Three-and-half. Let's frigging do it. The Vikings won 17 and a half to 14 today.

Exactly. Yeah. Well, you know, Josh, I believe if this isn't the liquor talking, they had the more narrow goalposts in arena football. Yeah, I remember that. Or they do. I haven't watched arena football in years, but they had very narrow goalposts in arena football

because they only played on a, what, a 50-yard field or 35? It was a very short little. It was a hockey rink for Christ's sake, so I don't know. I don't know of making the goal post, you know, thinner or shorter, a part is going to change the mindset of these coaches. No, it would just be fun to look at. No. I haven't thought about the long-term effects of it.

I just think it would be kind of fun to look at. You got a guy that can make a 70-yard field goal. You're going to give it a chance. There's always a moron high school football coach out there somewhere who's bound to wet his pants and make an ass out of himself. You know, we know football breeds morons. A fella by the name of Adam Brubaker, he's the head coach of a high school football club in California,

Royal High School. He's in trouble. I don't know if all of us have seen the video, but this has been going round and round. Brewbaker, head coach, this is during a football practice, the Royal High School football team was practicing. In the video, he's hollering at one of his players.

he was pissed off that his star player, his star running back, got injured at practice by a defender making a horse collar tackle. Injured their best player, according to the story. I would be upset about that too. Of course. But you're a reasonable person. You're not a giant five-year-old like this Bruebaker moron. He wet his pants. He's completely animated and just flipping out, you know, like stupid football coaches do.

The poor kid who had made that illegal tackle was standing there and taking his medicine, the coach is screaming in his face, then Brewbaker decides to kick the football at the player at a high rate of speed and it hit the kid smooth in the dick and nuts. This is on 93x.com. And the coach got fired for that. Got the videos on our website. The guy just busted a spring.

Story says he apologized to the player. The player accepted the apology. But he gone. Dumb bastard. That's the end of that. And that might be the end of that kid's parenting future also. I'm not so sure. What we heard last week, there's always adoption.

That's right. If you don't wear a cup, adoption is the option. That was the slogan we heard. So there you go. another high school football coach made a complete jag off of himself because he can't hold his mud. I remember playing youth football before game time, this was like eighth or ninth grade. It was a cold day. And before game time, of course, we're just playing catch warming up.

And I threw the ball to our best running back and the football split one of his fingernails in half. just one of those cold days where your hands take a beating. It was ugly, and it hurt. I don't know if you guys have ever lost a fingernail. Yes. I lost a thumbnail a couple of times, and that hurts. Super painful, yes. So the kid is in a hell of a lot of pain,

but they taped him up because he's our best player and he's got to play. And we play the first half. At halftime, the kids with the split fingernail all taped up. He's bleeding right through the tape. He was still in a lot of pain. And you know how it was in youth football at halftime? We're all sitting on our asses, and the coach is telling us this and that.

Well, I'm desperate for something or another to drink. I can't find the water bottles anywhere. So I get up on my feet, and I'm walking around looking for the water bottles, and I step on that kid's broken fingernail. You should have seen how high he shot off the ground when my cleat dug into his... And our coach went ballistic on me. Born, sit your skinny ass down.

Probably the hardest I ever got yelled at by a football coach. But I felt bad. That kid was in a lot of pain. Having a football coach with his short temper, I always kind of added to things. He never knew exactly what was going to come. We had a defensive coach once who put his hand through an entire whiteboard on the sideline. Oh, geez.

Yeah, punch right through. His hand was a mess. Take a friggin' break, will you? What grade football was it? We were seniors. Jesus. Different sport, but I think I've told this story before. back when I was in high school, before we merged with a neighboring town, our baseball coach,

our head baseball coach at Clare City High School was also the math teacher. And he, if you were jacking around during practice, and he usually pitched BP every day at practice he did, when it was your turn to come up and hit, he would throw at you. Brad is jacking off. Brad is jacking around. But he would throw at you. He would hit you. I mean, during, and that would be for screwing around.

Yeah, toughen you kids up. Yeah, off. You're going to get a fastball to the rib cage. No, he did it, and he admitted he did it too, and nobody cared because that's the way it was back then. Brad was jacking around in the dugout. I forgot it was his turn. He threw at me a few times during BP. Yeah.

Buzz that writer kid. Should have charged a mound. An Alabama high school football team had held the record. for the longest losing streak in the United States. But that ended Saturday night when this school got their first win in Alabama High School football, their first win since the year of 20 and 15. The Columbia High School Eagles in Huntsville, Alabama, they had lost 101 games in a row.

But they broke that up this past Saturday night. You can look this up if you want to. I guess this high school football team was so piss poor. They made a documentary about them. I don't know the name of the documentary, but if you care, it's the Columbia High School Eagles in Huntsville, Alabama. Jesus, can you imagine being so bad?

They got television cameras and directors and whatnot following your own? It was a whole series. They made a series. It was a series. Oh, the party must have been pretty awesome. Oh, everybody got laid, Josh. Even the kid that never gets laid? Especially the kid that never gets laid.

What party? What party? After they won that first game. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, even the nerd kid was getting pinned after that was over. Well, let's pretend that the San Diego series didn't happen. Forget it. And I guess that's the nice part of being in a playoff race where nobody's running away with it.

You can have a garbage series, and after you patch up all your wounds, you look up and you see that you're still in the running. They're kind of in the running. For now. the twins were swept over the weekend by the San Diego Padres. They got pumped 8 to 1 yesterday. Now they're setting a couple games out of that last American League wildcard spot. Tonight they'll line up and try to play game one of a three-game series in Sackmental

against the Sackmental, Oakland, Las Vegas, athletics, whatever they are today. Zebby Matthews going to start things off. They need a sweep. I mean, they... They do. Sweep them. Yep. They need to.

I was looking at this. There's 31 games left. There's not much time left anymore. we've been talking about how there's a lot of time left. Well, there's not. There's 31 games. They're going to need to go about 18 and 13 because that gets them back to 500. So you're almost to the point where you've got to sweep a few series.

If you're going to get swept like you did last weekend, you've got to sweep a team like this. Well, in both Texas and Cleveland are starting to play better baseball right now. Cleveland's won four. The Royals. The Royals have won eight in a row. Yeah. Twins are closer to last place than they are the first place. Yeah.

Pornow Jesus texted in to say His football coach always wore sandals So did it all Seriously? That seems like a bad idea I mean not during games but I practice in two days for sure And well it was hot Yeah early in the year

Anyway One of the players with his cleats on stepped on the Stepped on the coach's foot While he was wearing sandals Ouch The cleat went right through the guy's toe Oh, no.

Lots of blood and yelling. That's fun. Oh, boy. All right, back to the twins. The twins have hired a new guy. Sounds like maybe, to me, it sounds like an old character from Happy Days or something. They hired a former Yankees and Reds reliever by the name of Ron Maranaccio. Doesn't he sound like he would have hung out at Al's Burger?

Al's, yeah, he was in the diner. He was in the diner. He was in the back with Al. Potsie, Ralph, Fonzi. They were all there. A reliever by the name of Ron Maranaccio. He's already pitched for three teams this season. And he's been awful. Those of the twins are hoping to, he has. He's been terrible. Yeah, it's just. Well, they're hoping that a change of scenery can help him get right. You guys have no hopes at all for Ron Maranaccio? No, I don't. He's going to start things off in St. Paul. All right, Ron. You might as well pack your bags and go back to Milwaukee with the rest of the kids from Happy Days because my friends aren't giving you a chance in hell.

Joni's been looking pretty good these days, Ron. Joni's been looking pretty good. But then again, maybe he can help Howard at the hardware store. Oh, sure. Well, you're going to have to fight Chachi for Johnny. Yes, you are. She's into him. That's right.

When you look at me. Remember the song, Randy? I kind of do, yes. That hit single? I think that, I think maybe that song came to be. Johnny loves Chachi. Yes, what do they call it in the business, Josh? When one show becomes another.

Spinoff. The spin off to Happy Days, Joni loves Chachi. We watched that. There was a scene, so did I. I mean, I loved the, there was a scene where there was an episode where they created a song together and they sang together. And I remember thinking, I wanted to be Chachi so bad someday.

I wanted to be that. I thought he was cool. Yeah. And I wanted a girl just like Joni. I did. Now, speaking of poor pitching in big league baseball for the Seattle Mariners and a pitcher by the name of Bryce Miller. When it rains, it effing pours for this Bryce Miller and the Seattle

Mariners. Who, by the way, is not a bad pitcher. No? No, he is not. He has actually been pretty good the last few years. But not the last week. He lost his second straight start yesterday by a huge margin. The Cubs beat the Mariners 19 to 2.

Now, just six days ago, he was the pitcher for the Mariners when the Milwaukee Brewers thumped them 22 to nothing. So, you know how this. This works. You open up the research books back to 1800. This Bryce Miller is only the fourth pitcher in Major League Baseball history to lose consecutive starts by at least 17 runs. He's the first swinging D to get pumped like this in back-to-back games since the year of 18 and 90.

A pitcher by the name of George Van Haltren of the Brooklyn Wonders. in 1890 was the last pitcher to get smoked that badly in back-to-back starts. And the funny part is the twins tried to sign him hoping he would be able to turn his career around. Is that a true story? I think so. But they settled on Ron Maranaccio instead? I think so. Sunday, Monday, happy days.

They should play that song. They should play that when he goes out to the bump. That should be his walk-up song. It so sounds like a cooler, old. friend of Richie and Potsey and Ralph. Ron Howard. Donnie Most.

Right. What the hell was Potcy's real name? Donnie Moly. Anson Williams. Anson was Potsy. Yes, that's what we're asking about, Bradson. Ralph's Mouth was Donnie Most.

Yes, we covered that. I'm sorry. I'm very stern on Happy Days trivia. I apologize. So by the way, that Miller that you're talking about, He's given up 27 earned runs in his last 30 innings on the bound. Suck. But his ERA is only 4.12.

So he's been very good or has been decent until this stretch. But he's lost his last eight starts for Seattle. Yeah, that sucks. Now, speaking of the Seattle Mariners, this is also quite historic stuff. Do you remember it was a week ago? What's his name again? Pete Ball Mount.

Pete Ball Mount? McDunna. The center fielder for the Cubs, Pete something. Crow Armstrong. Pete Crow Armstrong. Yes. Pete Ballmount. PCA.

A week ago, Pete Crow Armstrong hits a lead-off home run and a walk-off home run in the same game. Remember that? Yes. And it was stated that no one had done that in a hundred years or something. Now, the Seattle Mariners are playing the Chicago Cubs over the weekend, and Randy a Rosarena for the Mariners hit a lead-off home run and a walk-off home run in the same game. So not only have the, has one player done it this season, this almost impossible feat, now two players have done it, and I suppose there's a little bit of extra interest or irony. That's cool. That,

Armstrong plays for the Cubs. And then the Cubs, you know, had it done to them by Eroserreina and the Meriters. You see where I'm going with that? There's a lot to connect there. Yep. Lead off home run and a walk-off home run in the same games. Two guys have done it. And you've got to go back to 1957 or something the last time.

A single player accomplished that. And Cubs fans got to be saying, Christ, we've seen some cool. things this season. Yeah, it's what I love about baseball. We dive into, there's things that happen that have never happened or haven't happened in a long time. Every year, there's always something. It makes it interesting. I know why Mariaccio, the new pitcher for the twins, Mariaccio, I threw the article away now. I think I have the correct name. I know why Mariaccio made me think of happy days because of the Malachi brothers. The Malachi brothers, I believe, were the most feared competitors at the local demolition derby on Happy Days.

They had a move out there, Josh, that I think was eventually they ruled it to be illegal because it was so devastating. It was called the Malachi Crunch. Oh, yes. Where one Malachi brother would be in one car and one another. And they'd crash you from either side. It was like a concerto. They would crunch the... I love the concerto.

Yeah. Oh, who doesn't? Yeah. That's right. A listener texted in and said it was the... the Malachi brothers who drove in the demolition derby on Happy Days. That's where it rang a bell for me. Did Fonzie turn the tables on them?

He faked like a problem with the car. He had sex with their mother. Oh, I could see why. I think all of that was in response to Pinky Tuscadero. Pinky was a missile. Yeah. Pinky was a total missile. All right, so catch me up on this now.

The Timberwolves have been sold again? Yes. Yeah. Which kind of sucks because I was really enjoying the whole A-Rod and J-Lo ownership joke. And now J-Lo has been bumped out the way. Alex Rodriguez. Well, he has. Has he not?

I thought he was still a part of it. Well, yeah, but he's been bumped out of his top spot. Yeah, he's a silent investor now. Right, right. Yeah. It's been Alex Rodriguez and Mark Lour as the heroes of the franchise, right? They bought it, what, a year ago from Glenn Taylor? Officially, yeah.

Officially made it a year? ago. But now, Mark Lorre has sold his majority stake in the links and the wolves to some tech company maestro, billionaire, by the name of Mark Stad. Okay? So Alex Rodriguez will continue to be the face of the organization, but J-Lo's been knocked down a few pegs, and now it's this Mark Stad character. Anyone ever heard of Mark Stad? No, no, but this Mark Stad character was a silent minority investor previous. He was part of the group. So he just basically switched places.

Switch spots with the J-Lo. Gave Lori $3 billion on his way out the door. Some good walking around money. Not a bad one-year investment and then sell your controlling stock for $3 billion dollar profit in one year. He spent more time in limbo as the owner than he did actually owning the team. Yeah. For sure.

Yeah. And made $3 billion, not million, off of it. And now he doesn't have to make the decisions. He can just sit back. I can enjoy the perks of being a rich NBA owner. Here's what it says about Mark Stad in the article that I read. This guy jumps in and out of investments faster than Anthony Edwards can crush ass. That's pretty fast.

Yeah. He is the founder of Josh. Have he ever done business with these people? Mark Stad is the founder of Dragonere Investment Group, a hedge fund and venture capital company out of San Francisco. Can't see I have. No? So what you're saying is don't get too comfortable getting to know him because he's going to sell his steak within a few years? Maybe.

or maybe he'll move the team, the team. Dunn't, don't. That's when my conspiracy theory, brain went immediately. Because Mark always said, hey, as long as I'm in charge, I'll never move the team. And now he's not in charge. And he can just reap the benefits when they move to Vegas. So there you go. I don't know if this will matter at all.

I don't think it changes anything. It's a thing. It's a friggin thing. At this point. So from now on, since I can't do the A-Rod and J-Lo thing anymore, I'll refer to Mark Stad as J-Z. So now it's A-Rod and J-Z. Oh.

Yeah. I don't know why I just selected J-Z, but that's where I'm going to go for starters, Josh. I'm not going to argue with you. Okay. Oh, speaking of the Timberwolves, I guess this is the price you pay. This is the price you pay for being one-half. of the legendary bang bros. Man, those guys are cool.

Anthony Edwards and Lamello's ball, of course, make up the bang bros. And they're doing damage right now, I promise you. This is the price you pay for slinging rod from coast to coast. I read that Anthony Edwards is now on the hook for $14,000 a month for a kid that he's never met before. Oh, boy. Is this possible that he was like practicing fadeaways when he should have been in sex ed class? I mean, there's ways to avoid that. kind of thing. Relatively easy, as a matter of fact.

I remember they teach you kind of early on too. Well, you know, I failed sex ed, Josh. You did. Me and a buddy of mine, we failed sex ed. Ninth grade. We were thrown out of class. And I said, boy, that teacher, I'm going to get her someday, you know, for failing me at sex ed. And my buddy said, yeah, man, someday we're going to kick her right in the nuts. Oh, no.

So, a big messy thing. I mean, not that it's any of our business, but I thought it was kind of interesting that $14,000 a month, some ex-girlfriend of his, and he says he's never met the kid before. The amount is determined based on his monthly income of nearly $4.8 million a month. F me running.

That's pretty good. I'll skip sex ed to practice my fadeaways any day. If I'm going to get $4.8 million a month. he's got a few babies running around i guess what's his name uh edwards one half of the bang bros man a lot of guys out there have a have a story or two about slinging it and watching your money disappears oh yeah he's he's not that old he's have to slow down a little bit oh yeah he'll dial it back when he gets into his mid-thirties or something

He's on a hell of a pace here. Yeah, he's on a hell of a pace. I was like the Fonzie jumping the shark episode. Of course. It's an all-timer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I appreciate you bringing it back to happy days there, Brad. Yeah, that's a great show. Yeah. Jumping the shark. Everybody knows that social media is just toxic all the way around. Sure. But Henry Winkler is one of the few bright spots. You know, a lot of people log on.

They want to fight. They want to argue. They want to talk politics. Henry Winkler just post a photo on random Tuesday of him holding a big bass he just caught. You know, it's just fun stuff like that. It's nice. You hear other actors say he's the nicest guy in Hollywood.

And I love to hear that. He's gotten a lot of bit parts over the years, I think, because of that. I think because he is not only a good actor, but I think a lot of people respect him in the way he is. I just watched the movie normal a couple weeks back, and he's in there as the mayor. I think he'd like that movie, Nick. I love Henry Winkler. Like Mr. T. I think of him as one of the greatest living Americans.

and the world will stop spending for a second or two when Henry Winkler is gone. I've been in love with that man since I was a kid, I think, very fondly of him. Josh, did you watch Barry? He was fantastic in that. No, I've heard it's a good show. It is a good show. But, you know, back to Anthony Edwards, you know, pumping back and forth from coast to coast and making babies, like a lot of young guys do. It reminds me of one of my old drinking pals.

He would fire. down with anybody and anything, it seemed to me. He loved a bump, Cubby. You know, a couple of babies happened, and these were one-night stands. You guys know the whole smear, right? And now all of his money gone. He's sharing children with a lady he can't stand, and the feelings were mutual. She couldn't stand him either.

Just too many beers, and you get to pinballing back and forth, and it happened. So we were up north, and... And at a campground partying. And he's given us his sob story about child support payments and all this and how it's just bled him dry. Two hours later, he's got a case of beer in him. Some gal comes to the campsite, starts talking to him. They're getting along.

They go into the camper, and suddenly that camper is going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And someone around the campfire says, here he goes again. And sure as hell, it produced another baby. Oh, way. Yeah. That camper was just rocking, cubby. You got that phone call once.

What are you doing? What's that? You got that phone call once. Oh, God, yeah, I did. When I was 20 years old, didn't have a pot to piss in. Not a pot to piss in. Gail calls me and says that she and I are having a baby. I was working nights driving forklift at night.

So this is like 2 o'clock in the morning. Me and one of my coworkers from the warehouse are playing Super Mario Brothers or something and drinking beer. telephone ring says, yeah, well, got a baby on the way. And I remember just being as agreeable as I could in the moment. I mean, I was totally shocked.

But I said something like, you know, okay, well, we'll take care of it. We'll be all right. We'll make it work, right? And I had no idea what I was saying. Yeah, of course. I hung up the phone. I turned to my bro, and I said, well, it's over for me. And he said, what are you talking about? I said, well, she just told me that we're having a...

I wasn't very focused. on Mario Brothers for the rest of the night. I did, Josh, I will tell you that my beer intake sped up quite a bit. I would guess so. Was this the guy that didn't know how babies were made and who had what genitalia? No, not the same guy that I didn't have to explain it to him. No, it wasn't the same guy I failed sex ed with, no. But I think I went to bed about 7 a.m.

You know, after drinking all night. And I just, I couldn't believe it. I just kept thinking to myself, what have you done and what are you going to do now? Well, phone rang again, I don't know, 3 o'clock in the afternoon. And she said, oh, yeah, sorry, false alarm. She got her period. I don't know. That's definitely what it was.

I said, don't ever call me again. I've been there, yeah, where I'm like, oh, well, this is it. I definitely did it this time. And then, you know, you make a phone call and then a day or two later. Yeah, never mind. Oh, you got my period. You told the guy that you were having a baby? No, it's never like, hey, I'm having your baby.

It's like, hey, you know, my period should have been here like two days ago. It's the same damn thing. Might be a little sketchy, yeah. So I guess in a roundabout way. You didn't want to wait for the stick? No, because that made it more real. Oh, sure. Yeah, if you went and peed on a stick, yeah, that made it much more real.

You know, it makes the guy sweat a little bit if you don't like them or something happened, right? Yeah, definitely. No, I didn't like to play those games because at that time, I did not want to be a mother either. So it was a lot of Target bathrooms. I've seen some things. Thanks to Target. Thank you guys.

She saw a great pregnancy test. I had a buddy in high school that had a close call. And we were like, dude, just start wearing condoms. He goes, man, do you know how expensive they are? Do you know how expensive a child is? They're pretty expensive. Those freaking condoms are nothing but trouble. Hey, you know how we like to have fun around here?

Poking fun at the timber. for the play-in game victory. That party's still going on. They haven't stopped it yet. And I'm fine with that. I raised a banner for that, I believe. Did they really? Did they really raise a ball?

No. I don't look at the banners. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised because of what I'm about to tell you. I wouldn't be surprised if they did. But however many years ago that was when they beat Denver or whoever it was. And you got Patrick Beverly crying and Carl Anthony Towns just kissing his girlfriend at center court and they're running up on right. But everyone remembers.

We were made fun of from town to town. Well, the timber wolves were. Check this out. Last year, the Charlotte Hornets had a victory in that play-in gimmick, but then lost to the Orlando Magic. If my memory serves me correct, they did not have an actual series. They had a victory and then quickly lost in the play. in gimmick. Well, it says here that the Hornets franchise has, how do I say this? I'll get there.

They've framed the net from that lone play-in game victory last year over the Miami Heat. And I guess it's going to be hanging in their arena somewhere. So I don't know if the wolves are off the hook now. Well, that's going too far. What's this say? Well, when you haven't had a lot of success, I can... But now you're just amplifying the fact that, hey, we don't have a lot of success, so we're going to do this. Again, if you remember the play-in game gimmick, you can win a game and the play-in... And lose and still not make the playoffs.

And lose the following game and still not make the official play. So that's what happened with the Hornets. Correct. And they framed the net. They cut down the net. It's all very silly. The Denver Nuggets signed DeMar de Rosen

and some concerning news here the Walter Cup which is the Stanley Cup of professional women's hockey which this year was claimed by the Montreal victoire the cup is missing nobody knows where it is

what the Montreal players have it to be able to celebrate with? I don't think it ever got to them, really, because the story's a little confusing. Now, like the Stanley Cup, this is a replica. This isn't the real Walter Cup, but it's the one that they handed the players so they can go town to town and drink and carry on, right? Yeah. It says here that I think that the Walter Cup was being shipped to Montreal, and when they opened up the container, there was nothing there.

Nobody knows where it was last seen. The Professional Women's Hockey League does not have a designated keeper of the cup like the NHL does. So they don't know where the hell it is. And then the last statement in this story had no further information. It says here the Professional Women's Hockey League may not exist next season. Did anyone see any further information? I want to elaborate on that maybe? No, they did not.

I just ended the sentence with that? Yeah. Just saw that sentence. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if that's a joke or I have no background on that. All I can tell you is that they lost a cup. That's great.

I love that. At least it wasn't one of the girls' fault. They weren't too drunk at the club. Speaking of a Target bathroom, they took it into the Target bathroom and walked away without it or something like that. Very typical girl move. Yeah. So there you go. You know women.

We love our target. Have you left something behind in the Target ladies' room? Oh, plenty of times, yeah. I mean, I'm there enough, yeah. What happened, Josh? I was picturing something. I know you've left things behind in Target bathrooms and various bathrooms around town. Oh, no.

Target's not the place for that. Oh, are you kidding me? You take that somewhere else. Oh, God, help us. Maybe we should go back to Happy Days. Happy Days and a three, four, five, six, happy days. It's Johnny's fault that Arnold's burned down, by the way. Oh, I don't recall.

What happened? Well, you don't remember Arnold's burning down? Yes, I do, but I don't recall any blame being placed on anybody. This is very important here, Brad. You better know what you're talking about. No, I'm serious. It was Joni's fault because Chachi asked her out on a date. She finally said, yes.

Chachie got so excited that he threw off his apron and threw it on the grill and started the fire. That's right. Wait a minute. You're putting that on Joni? Yeah. You are such a pig. Scott Bayo's the guy who threw his apron on the fire. Maybe he should be more mindful.

too excited because she'd been playing hard to get for so many years that all of a sudden when she said yes he lost his mind. There's a bit of a reach, Brad. I'm going to say that's more on the guy that started the fire. Soft as. Inspired the fire. It's her fault. It's her fault.

You have been hurt. Yeah, you've been hurt bad. We've got to putting that on frigging Joni. The Love of My Life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on to Habs podcasters? We're getting into that soupy part of the summer

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Start your day with the morning jolt of Drake C. Toll. See, now it's on demand. My podcast is kind of a radio thing, I think, but also it's a bit of a TV show, and it's about whatever I want it to be. It's listening live as it happened, when it happened, with the instant reaction. Your home for talking sports. We go back, the Drake Toll Show, Westwood One Sports Network, and there will be on demand on your radio. Anywhere in the country, I'll see you there. Westwood One Sports Talk.

Your home for Drake C. Toll. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Dr. P. Jesus. The 93X. Half-assed Morning Show. Checking in at 829. 829 by God on the Monday show. And we'll get going again here by chatting it up with our bro, Dr. P. Jesus. Go ahead and send in one of those text messages if you want to take part in our Ask the Doctor

segment 651-9-89393-93 is the number brought to you by the folks at luther kea bloomington dr p of course is brought to you by hog-bauer automotive third avenue and main street good morning dr p i didn't know i was brought to you by hog hog-hauer hog-bower hog-bower thank you automotive it's over there on third bowler automotive that's right i should get to know them third avenue and main street look at the the t-shirts right there we got hog-bauer t-shirts hanging here in the building. You've never heard of their commercials at all? No, I need glasses to see that too.

Well, you should play Dr. P. the ad if you have it at the ready, Judge. The first or second ad? First one. The first ad? Yeah. This portion of the half-assed morning show is brought to you by Hogbauer Automotive, conveniently located at 3rd Avenue and Main Street. We've got the fairest prices in town.

What's the bill? How much you got? No, no, I'm asking how much the repairs are. I'm asking you how much you got. As you heard, all services are haggle-free. Look, I don't have time to play around, okay? So how much is it? All of it, boy.

Mention 93X for our special on premium blinker fluid. Hot Bauer. Got a jingle. That is. Visit hogbowerautomotive.com. Or I got ripped off at hogbower automotive.com. So they're a big sponsor on the program. They even happily sponsor your segment.

And they've become so popular. We'll be selling Hogbauer Automotive. Automotive T-shirts at the State Fair this year. They're very appealing. I'm going to have to go check it out. Yeah, those are nice shirts, aren't they? Beautiful shirts. The slogan, it's not how much, it's how much you got at Hogbower Automotive. All right, fun. It's always nice to give a sponsor a shout-out or two.

How often do you play their commercial for free again? Probably not often. Oh, Josh. They pay quite a bit of money. Oh, good. They told Josh hit it whenever he feels like it. Yeah, so. Yeah, they are our biggest sponsor. How you'd been?

Oh, good. If I don't know an answer today, I'm just going to say. Hogbauer it, please. And Josh can play the commercial? Yeah, I'm sure people will love that. No, I'm good, I'm good. Maybe we can begin our conversation by elaborating on something you asked us about off air. You were asking us about our wiping habits.

I did. I did query you, yes. Dr. P was wondering when we wipe ourselves to clean ourselves after what Josh calls a dokey. Do we create a flat surface? With the toilet paper, or do we bunch it up? And the flat surface could be rolling it around your hand. Right. You know, like you would sort of tie up an extension cord.

Like mummifying your hand. Or doing a nice folding thing. Okay. I have had this conversation with people, actually, medical colleagues. And it was pretty funny just to hear how they were raised, you know. And some people are raised to stand up. Some people are raised to sit down. Yeah, I stand.

Hopefully everybody has raised, at least for women, to, go front to back, not back to front. Right. That wasn't taught to me enough. Yeah, I mean, if people want to... Did you have problems? Were you a back-to-fronter for a while, Ashley? I just never... I guess maybe in my life I never went far back enough for it to like ever be an issue, but I never had an issue with anything. I never really... You never went far back enough, so you weren't cleaning your bottom properly.

No, maybe I just wasn't getting in... It must have been very dirty. Because I'm talking about like I'm literally only peeing. So I never went far back enough when I was oldie peen. Women do have that hole, that whole, that whole. They do have that hole. They have that hole. Well, so tell us, are there benefits or negatives to these wiping?

Oh, I don't think so. I think it's simply sort of a matter of where you're from. Yeah, where you're from, what your parents were raised. And so I guess I only can think of rolling it around your hand, folding it, or crumpling. but maybe there's like origami or I don't know. There aren't any. Tell me there aren't any crumplers in this group. No, that's insane.

Unless I'm like an absolute rush. Or if it's like leaves in the woods because you're really in trouble maybe. I can't imagine a crumpler. If you're a crumpler, text us, 651-9-89-93-93. And explain. Yeah, what's wrong with you? What are you from Mars or something? Why would you be a crumper?

I usually wrap toilet paper around my hand and then take the wrapped toilet paper off of my hand. That's how I was raised. Yeah. You wrap it around. Josh? I've never used toilet paper. Oh my God. I can't contribute to this conversation.

Snaps off clean every time. You like what? I just let it crust. Oh my God. It's none of my business. It's none of your business. Whose business is it? It's not my business.

What's going on there? I've told you before that I keep the toilet paper companies in business. I create more or less every time I create a damn near a pillow in my hand. I go through a lot of it. I like a comfortable experience, Dr. P. Yeah, that is the other factor is how much do people use. Well, what about things like anal fissures? I thought that poor wiping habits could create terrible things like that.

I mean, really aggressive, probably, but I think it's more about constipation and things like that. Although, yeah, when people have hemorrhoids, you know, it starts to become a very delicate process. Oh, God, I bet it is. Well, I guess I have firsthand experience. Listen to this, landscaper Jesus. I'm a crumpler and I only use one sheet at a time. That's more of a dabber, really. Folder, not a water, says medical IT.

She's a folder, not a water. Folder. W-A-D-E-R water. All right. But that's a great way to start. Yeah. Your segment, I think. Yeah, thanks for asking.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I'm just here to help. It was a nice wiping seminar held by Dr. P. All right, Dr. P. Jesus, 651, 989, 933. If you have a question, I got one right from the friggin get-go, and it goes like this. is it difficult to lower cholesterol? Oh. Is it difficult to lower cholesterol?

Well, I'm guessing they mean, is it difficult to do it without using medications? It sort of depends what which part of the cholesterol panel is abnormal. I mean, the traditional things we have looked at forever is total cholesterol. LDL, which is the bad, quote unquote, cholesterol, simplest way to look at it. HDL, the quote unquote good cholesterol. By the way, they just texted back and said, yes, by changing my diet. Okay, yes. And triglycerides is the other one.

That's the free fats. So it depends which part is abnormal. Triglycerides definitely can be affected for most people, unless you have some sort of a metabolic problem. If you eat a lower fat diet, if you drink less alcohol, your triglycerides will go down. Some people, it doesn't matter what they do and they have sort of a genetic condition. and LDL, that bad cholesterol, I'd say if it's extraordinarily high, again, maybe sort of a familial tendency, like a familial hyperlipedemia.

I don't know two people that have high cholesterol, and they're both in good shape. I always thought it was like a bad diet type of thing and you're overweight. Again, it can be. So that LDL, again, you can, if you eat a lower fat diet, just a healthier diet and you exercise, that generally go down. The HDL is the one that you want to be, you want it to be higher. That's the, again, the good cholesterol,

sort of protective cholesterol. That one... I was going to ask you about that because I've had borderline high and it was that. Okay, so that's, I didn't realize... I know, it gets confusing because, yeah, so that's not bad.

A higher HDL is generally considered protective against heart disease. It's a cholesterol molecule that sort of mops up extra particles. Yeah. So you want your HDL to be higher. But that is primarily through exercise, basically. I mean, yeah, people who are, you know, long-distance runners, I've seen those numbers.

And sometimes they're so high, even I've had to, like, look it up to see, is this too high? Or even talk to a couple of colleagues? Because I don't think it can really get too high because it's supposed to be doing a good thing. With a little bit of exercise and you alter your diet a little bit, you can dummy those numbers down. You definitely can. You absolutely can. Losing a little weight. smoking meats and clapping cheeks

Jesus said his dad ate oat brand for breakfast every day and that got his down. Yeah. How about that? My mom took one of those like GLP1 things and when she went back they were like your stuff is incredible.

Like they were like whatever you're doing what is a GLP1 lady? What is that? That's the weight loss. It's like the weight loss. Oh. Zemphic. So yeah.

It helped her a lot. Weight loss is probably the fundamental thing for much of that increase exercise. And then some people, it's so high, or they have, if you have diabetes, if you have heart disease, or if you have sort of an inherited, really high cholesterol,

oftentimes medications is what you need. And the medications are very effective, too? They really do work quite well. There you go. Appreciate your texting in. Along those lines, I don't know if you've learned more about it was Zempic or one of those types of drugs. Drug, is that the way to call it?

Drugs? Sure. Okay. Yeah. a family member just started it. I just found this out over the weekend. And they're overweight, but not to the point where I thought, you know, you should look into something like that.

You know, is that becoming more normal where people who are just kind of overweight are doing it? Absolutely. Seems extreme, but I don't know enough about it. Yeah, it's, I mean, I think in terms of FDA approval, it's typically a body mass index of 30 or high. higher or I guess above 30 basically if you don't have any other you don't have to have diabetes or heart disease or anything like that to to qualify for that so that's not necessarily that high of a be a body mass index um if you have if you're above 27 and you have um a risk factor like

diet or sorry like um heart stuff um then you'd qualify so it's you know it's not not like what we would call morbidly obese people, 40 BMI, which is usually what you need for more like bariatric surgery. That's not really true. It's 30 as well. But people who get up in that 40 range, I mean, they're quite profoundly overweight. But the benefits of these meds, again, it's like an evolving thing. It seems to be probably helpful for a number of things.

And so people with lower BMIs are starting to use it, maybe not covered by a number of. insurance, but it's become more accessible. I mean, I, I mean, it's really not that heavy. It could stand to lose a little weight, but I just thought that was kind of more for extreme situations. Yeah. And a few people are texting, not necessarily there. It really, yeah, it's widening up.

Again, it may be something that if you want to be doing it and you're not meeting the standard criteria, you may need to pay for it yourself, but the drug companies have set up some less expensive ways to do that. I mean, the government has sort of sponsoring lower costs for some of these medications, at least for now. So I appreciate it. They're accessible. Dear Dr. P. Jesus, we're talking to Dr. P. here, James Parnel, 651, 989, 93. He's a real doctor.

If you want some advice, you can go ahead and text the program. Dear Dr. P, I have a small brown growth on my side where my abs used to be. Been there about a month or so. I haven't noticed that it's grown. Can my regular doctor finger that out, or should I go straight to a dermatologist? You can absolutely go to your regular doctor. I mean, we, you know, we're not skin specialists.

We sometimes bust out our textbook if we have to, but there's, I'd say the most common things are what we see. They may look a little different than expected. But, you know, there's usually sort of, there's pretty clear criteria for when, ooh, that's something that needs to be removed and sent off to pathology, versus, oh, no, that's an irritated skin tag or basically just something that's completely benign. Right. And oftentimes things are benign.

If it does look concerning, then depending on how big it is, oftentimes primary care, I mean, basically we can excise it. He says it's about the size of a foot. I'm kidding. Yeah, that's large. But yeah, it can be, I mean, basically, if something's removed and it's then found to be a cancer, whether it's like a basal cell cancer, which is sort of the preferred kind of skin cancer, because it doesn't become metastatic, you still often go back and have to remove more tissue later.

It's a lot easier to get a regular doctor appointment than it is a dermatologist. It is profoundly difficult to get into it. to a dermatologist these days, yeah. I had to see when it took a year. Holy smokes. I'm imagining that's on the extreme end, but I had other people say, no, you're... Yeah, that's average, yeah.

It can be bad. I mean, they've started to offer, you know, some sort of video visits or or the dermatologist can do a consult with your doctor. But if it turns out to be a melanoma, then you absolutely will need some other things done, but they can be done. Yeah, yeah, it totally makes sense to start there.

They carve it out of there. And maybe in time, they've got to go back once or twice, just to make sure you're cleaned up. Yep, yep. Well, we've got to take a break, Dr. P., but on our way out, would you like to hear our second Hogbauer Automotive ads? I might as well.

Josh, could you, Josh? Oh, just give me one second to switch screens. There are two separate Hogbauer Automotive ads that sponsor our program. Third Avenue and Maine. Yeah, Third Avenue or Main Street. This portion of the half-assed morning show is brought to you by Hogbauer Automotive.

Cars got a lot of pickup. It's got a lot of pickup. It's got a cop motor of 440 cubic inch plant. It's got cop tires, cop suspension, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters, so it'll run good on regular gas. Visit hogbower automotive.com. We've got the fairest prices in town. Love it.

Hi, everybody. Hi. Dr. P. Jesus, welcome to the half-assed morning show for 983X. Now, where am I? Yeah, we're back with more. from our wonderful guest, Dr. P. Jesus, go ahead and ask the doctor. If you can text us real quick, we're at 651, 989, 93. Let's squeeze in a few more questions for James.

Well, this is a hell of a deal. A week ago, a listener says, I got bit. Buy a dog. I got stitched up. It was a forearm injury, but I'm still feeling some numbness in the area. what do you suppose is happening there? Got stitched up. Could it be the stitches are still kind of tight or something?

The dog's venom? Yeah, right, right, right. Those certain breeds that have the venom are... Yeah, probably. They're nasty. It's those dogs that stand up and are like... Yeah. I guess it would depend on whether the numbness is right around where...

Because they usually... They wouldn't normally do stitches for a dog bite. Oh. Because you don't want to close it up. Maybe he went to Hogbauer Automotive. You never know. What they're doing. Did you hear about their tire special at Hogba?

No. What do they go? If you buy three tires, they give you one tire. That's a really good deal. It goes through the rest of the month. That's awesome. I'm going to, I can't wait to go there. You're going to love it.

I need directions. Third Avenue of Main Street, dude. Okay, thanks. Yeah. So, yeah, if there's numbness around the bite, that would be a little different than if there's numbness, like, down the arm. Oh, okay. But, I mean, yeah, superficial nerves will get irritated.

or injured, you know, with an injury, but particularly if it's numbness further down the arm or hand, then that's a problem because that means a more significant nerve was injured. Yikes. If there's any doubt about how a dog bite is doing, I would not hesitate to go have someone look at it because normally you're fine, but you can get some crazy infections from animal bites

that gets into the lymphatic system and it starts spreading up the arm. Oh, geez. So, yeah, you don't want to fool around with. That don't sound good. Filty bastards. I don't know if this is from a gentleman or a lady. They got a vasectomy on the 28th of last month.

I think I can guess. Well, you're a doctor. It doesn't count. Still having some random pains while moving or working. Is this something I should reach out to my doctor about or will I be okay? Last month, is that we said? Yeah, almost a month ago, 28th. No, I think that's probably not.

I mean, I would never hesitate to have you reach out to the doctor if you have questions. for sure. I mean, so if you're worried to all do that, I don't think it's unusual to have some, you know,

some little twinges of symptoms because there's not much of an incision and they don't do a lot, but things get a little pinched and squeezed and particularly if,

I think if someone, if you don't really follow those instructions for the first couple days and really take it easy and ice and elevate your scrote. then you may have some more lingering discomfort.

If it's getting worse, if there's swelling, if there's redness, you know, or if the pain seems more than just a little irritating, I would not hesitate to reach out and have them to take a look. My scrot. Oh, yeah, I like the way you said that. Scrot my goat. This is frigging. You saw Scotty from Star Trek.

Now I'm inspired to use accents now that you're throwing the hogbower around. This is perfect timing. Oh, good. that Josh just asked about a vasectomy. You said something about pinching and this and that and the scrote. Because a real general question here, well, there is some elaboration. Dr. P., you ever seen a terrible injury to a penis? Now, the listener goes on to say he knows somebody who had his pecker pinched between two heavy wooden dressers.

Oh, geez. How do you find yourself in that scenario? Moving furniture. wearing sweatpants. I thought it was like hiding when her husband came home. Oh, dude. Oh, man. They say in this case, it was damn near cut, smooth, and half.

Oh, my God. So they want to know if you've ever seen anything like that. They're having a fun time, I guess, joking around about this guy's penis. Yeah, right. Two big wooden dressers just went. I can't imagine the pain. No, no. The old Rodney right in between the two.

I have seen. I mean, I'll use the word again. I've seen some scrot injuries. You have? Yeah, like some tearing of it. I don't like the word tearing that close to the word scrot on. Yeah, no, most people don't, right? What, like a bicycle injury or a car crash?

I can't remember what it was. A pissed off ex-wife? It must have been like a bicycle or motorcycle or motorcycle or something. But yeah, just, yeah, because the testicle was sort of falling out. It was. Yeah, but no, I haven't seen a bad penis injury. That would be a very bad one. Because it could be...

I can't even imagine. You know, like getting your finger pinched in a door where it's not too bad. Or it could be where you break and crush your finger and your nail falls off and your penis doesn't have a nail. So other things... Other things are falling off. When you saw this broken scrotum, you put the testicle back in there. And then they went up to the operating room. Your job was just to place all the working parts back in to where they belong.

and someone else had to sew him up. Yeah, I mean, I was a medical student, so my job was to stand there and not pass out. Okay. Yeah. That must be difficult at times. We got a scrotal injury. Get James in here.

Yeah. The worst ones that really bothered me were hand injuries from, like, lawnmowers. Really? That'd be cool. Yeah, but there's some nasty stuff. Because they've got it, you know, they come in wrapped up in a towel, and you're sort of like, oh. You know, it's going to surprise you.

Like, it might not be bad, but. Sounds bad. Damn, that's really bad. Yeah. And people are kind of in shock a little bit, like so. Yeah. Like, oh. They got their missing digits in their other hand.

Kind of. Or it's just, yeah, it's, I don't know. There's something. I bet that is crazy. Very few things bother me, but that was always like, it's just so misshapen. And you're like, oh, God. I bet that's crazy, but like kind of fun at the same time when you guys have somebody come in and they have a towel, a towel covering something like some area on their body. If you know what you're doing, I imagine there could be some fun involved.

Let's see what this looks. Looks like. Let's see what we're going to get surprised with. A new guy in the corner puking his guts out. Yeah. I think it's just it's because, you know, depending on how bad the injury is, are you going to, are your fingers going to survive? Or who all needs to get involved in this?

Is it, wow, you need a hand surgeon or actually you don't. We're just going to amputate your fingers right now. And it's just a weird, yeah, that moment of like, I don't know how bad the news is going to be for this poor person. Yeah. I like this one about Scroat injuries I said my dumb ass uncle

ripped his scrote wide open jumping off a canoe as a kid caught it on the front nuts everywhere Floating in the water Like a life jacket You know the term A little musky comes up and just

Swallows that some bitch This term is so perfect and disgusting Yeah But the term de-gloved You know Wherever it comes off the hand I saw the equivalent on a leg once. It was horrible.

And it was canoe-based. We used to jump off this bridge all the time. And the bridge was basically a tunnel connecting a couple of lakes. And we used to jump off at the first day of summer. And you always wanted to be the first guy to do it. But usually one person would go on the other side and check. Clear? Well, he didn't wait.

He wanted to be the guy. He jumped and went right through a canoe. This poor couple were just trying to have a romantic date in a canoe. He went through it. That sucks. Took all the feet off his right leg. Oh, it was horrible. It looked like a Jaws movie in there.

Did those two people just sink to the bottom of the lake or what? No. Well, as far as the canoe? I mean, they just got out. They just got out and swam for it. It was just like a little channel. You could, I'd say, maybe seven feet deep total, maybe eight. There goes their frigging canoe.

It was the point where you had to angle just perfectly see it didn't crash into the bottom. Oh, gee. I got to worry about this guy. A teenager-sized hole in their canoe. Yeah, it was gross. That's horrible. F me running sideways. Rusty nuts, Jesus just said in a photo,

he had to have his pinky amputated due to a tragic pumpkin carving accident. Oh, man. Well, I've opened up my hand a couple times. One of my pals almost committed suicide in front of his daughter, carving a pumpkin. Just, like, sliced himself by accident, yeah. And he sliced himself the long way down his wrist.

Ah, no, no, no. Of course, he's got six, eight drinks in him. He doesn't have those cute little tools now that they hand the kids for carving pumpkin. that you can't cut yourself with. He's got a freaking exacto knife or something. He's got six, eight drinks. He slips and he suicide sliced his wrist, blood spraying across.

He passes out. Oh, that's terrible. His daughter refuses to have anything to do with Halloween anymore ever since that happened. Horrible. I faked that once and I traumatized the kids. I can't imagine that in real life. Oh, really? You put a comedy bit on for him?

Oh, really? Like you had fake blood and everything? Oh, yeah. My daughter still brings it up. That's awesome, dude. You sold it well? Yeah, yeah, I used to prank them a ton. I'm getting old.

I don't do that anymore. Were you carving a pumpkin and you did it? Yes. Wow, that's cool. This was, I don't know, she must have been five or six. And I thought they'd think it was funny. My older one did, she did not. It's explained why she flinches every time she looks at you.

Yeah, anytime I'm around a pumpkin, she frets out. Did anyone get that on video? That would be fun to see. No, nothing like that. Dr. P., go out there. You might see her at the fair or something. Good, good, yeah. I would love to join you guys at the fair again. You should.

That'll be this Saturday. We have two appearances at the fair this year, this Saturday from one to three, and then the second Friday will be racing out there as soon as we're done with our program. You pick whichever one. Both we'd love to have your company out there. Saturday, definitely. Get her done. It was fun having you last time. Yeah, it was fun. Get her done.

Happy belated birthday to Anders. Turn 16 yesterday, going for his driver's test today. Good luck from Dad, tripping trash and tapin ass. tip in trash and tap and ass Jesus. And your friends here at 93X, happy birthday to Francesca. Turning the big 03 today from dad, muscled, Delf, Jesus, Remy, Ryder, Reeson, Angelica.

Happy birthday to Jackson. You know, he's turning the big 06. And good luck to chase on your first day of sixth grade. 93X. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on to Habs, podcasters?

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