93X Half-Assed Morning Show - A Pair of Slippers and a Dildo

Episode Date: January 7, 2026

Originally Aired January 7, 2026: Drowning the Wookiee. National Pass Gas Day. Everything you wanna know about the greatest pain you've ever felt.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimpts? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choke slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. The comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93x half-ass morning show. 90. It's the middle of the week. It is the middle. And here we are welcoming you to the midweek model of the 93x half-ass morning show.

Most of the time it's difficult to find something interesting about the smooth middle of an average work week. But not today, fools. That's because today, and I can't believe I'm about to say this out loud. Do it. Today is National Pass Gas Day, which was put into place, put into law, for some ungodly reason, so we can celebrate farts. Ashley's favorite topic Actually Dana sadly I have changed You have changed

Yeah Because now you're covered in baby diarrhea Yeah And like what am I going to say Oh good flatulence to my You know four month old No This isn't a joke

I mean it is what it isn't If you know what I mean This is a real thing Today is, and for those of you who are already annoyed or disgusted, I apologize. But if I didn't bring it up, I'd be spitting in the face of hundreds of years of FM radio morning show tradition. I'd more or less be pissing on the graves of all the FM radio morning show people who came before me. And I have more respect than that. So I had to bring it up.

Today is national, I'll say it again, National Pass Gas Day, where we, far and wide, we are asked to sit back and recognize farting and everything that it means to us. I wish I didn't, but I do still think at times it can be quite funny. Oh, I absolutely do. I'll never do not think it's funny. It's interesting that you bring up the humor factor because they're, I suppose, For some, this would be concerning information right here. It says here, okay, farts. The one thing that's still universally funny across all demographics.

Or maybe not. And this is the concerning news. Somebody called LifeHacker. They get good stuff on that website for sure. I'll have to look that one up. Somebody called Life Hacker did a round. up, you know, a poll, a survey. And what did they find out?

It says right here. Oh, they asked little kids, little ungrateful kids, what they did and did not find funny. Kids in the year 20 and 25, Life Hacker, straight up asked them, hey, kid, what's funny, what's not funny? and apparently Farts are no longer funny to the young people So you're saying that nobody laughs If you fart in class

Yeah, nobody It's normal It's a normal bodily function But what if it's stinky I'll just say excuse me If we farted in class We got made fun of so hard Is the world healing

That is true I mean it could have went one or two ways You get made fun of For a long time Or you were a bit of a legend It kind of depended. I don't really know what the difference was. Level of respect for the kid, I think.

Yeah, it could have gone either way. Was that your wife and a kid having a con? Who was that? No, there are some videos going around with teachers and parents. I don't remember if you already brought that part up, but asking the kids, hey, you know, farts really aren't funny. I don't get it because when we grew up, it was funny. I'll tell you what, I'm surrounded by Jen Alpha constantly.

My son's Gen Alpha. He's got buddies that are always over. They still do find farts funny. So there's hope if you're worried about it. Thank God. I was about ready to shut it all down. I mean, that's like the majority of humor in England, is it not? That and the C word just tossed around like crazy.

The fart thing has always been funny to me. Should always still be funny. I don't trust these kids that don't find it funny. Although I don't play fart games. You know, I'm not somebody who Dutch ovens people or offers them a cup of soup. Yeah, you can't do that. When did you retire from fart games? I've never been a fart gamer.

never played the game. No, never. Never. Never once. Yeah, okay, well, according to what I have here, Josh says his kid and his kids' buddies still fart in the bathtub and laugh their ass off. But according to this report, kids are moving on. Farts are no longer funny to little kids. And like Cubby was telling us, teachers talk to students, mom. Talk to their kids. Oh, here it is. That audio you played us was a mom asking her kid. Do you young people still find the farts funny?

And the kid says, no. The kid that informs her mother, or his mother, I couldn't tell. The kid that informs their mother that it's a normal bodily function that we all do. Mom agreed with that. Mom said, you know what? You're right. But as you heard, mom told the kid when we were young and you asked in class, you became, I was going to say the butt of the joke, but I can't find another route to go.

You became kind of a punching bag if you farted in class or something back in our day. Well, I remember in sixth grade, a girl did. Oh, no. Yeah, she started crying. That's social life. I felt so bad for her. I would have cried, too. I felt so bad for her.

Brewers in High Life Jesus said he's a bit of a scientist. He just turned gas into a liquid, so he's not celebrating National Pass Gas Day anymore. Oh, I'm so sorry. God help us. I've been there. And Josh, like you said about your kid still finding farts funny, my wife's an elementary school teacher. Last year, she had a prolific farter in the class, and that kid was a legend. He got laughs every time.

Every time he would just blast some ass sitting there criss-cross applesauce. It can really go either way. I don't remember a notorious farder from my grade school or junior high or anything. I remember a couple kids who puked. I was one of those kids. I'll tell you this, the puking thing doesn't kill your reputation anymore. Well, we kicked them while they were down. When we grew up, it was the exact same thing.

If you threw up in anything school-related, you're going to have that the rest of your life. It's going to ruin your life. I was really surprised. When I threw up in school, I was a freshman. And we were in the library for the day. And, you know, huge, just a huge area, a bunch of different classes there. And I threw up in a garbage can. And I was surprised that people were still like in that mindset to, like,

make fun of me. I wasn't prepared for that. I had a moment. I was like, what? Don't we all get sick? A few years ago, I want to say my, maybe it was when my son was in fourth grade. He puked on the bus. Oh. And I thought, oh, no. He's going to get his ice kid. We got to move. He just got started in school and the rest of it's going to be miserable. And so I said, hey, how bad you get it? You know, everybody come down on it. You said, no, nobody said anything. You never got made. And almost at that point, And I thought, the world's falling apart. He should be at least made fun of for the day, but nothing. Nobody responded.

See, I got really lucky. The one time I puked in school, it was in kindergarten. It was chocolate milk day. And I threw down four cartons of chocolate milk. What do you mean? It was chocolate milk day. You didn't get chocolate milk every day? No, usually it's regular milk.

So it was a special day when the chocolate milk, they brought the little small cartons of chocolate milk out. And I down four of them, and I projectile vomited. and but it was so we were so young that the kids didn't think to make fun of me or they forgot you know so I got out you know kind of scot-free on that one people like you are the reason that we were limited to one milk milk sorry that kid can't handle his milk over there can't handle his milk or his milk I'm trying to get better at that have you ever heard this term eureka stink wrinkle Jesus said his his buddy farts and calls it drowning a wookie when

they're a low gurgle with wet base. Oh my. You have to say that again. You got a low gurgle with wet base and he said they call it drowning a wookie. You never heard that afore. That's new to me too.

Wow. In my life. And again, this conversation started because we were informed by the media that today is, you'll probably see something on CCO, CAR-11,

Today is, don't tell me, I have to say this correctly, National Pass Gas Day. We are supposed to celebrate farting. And now that we're having the conversation, I have zero memory of anybody ever farting in class. But I remember the pukers, because we were very unfair to the kids who splashed vomit all over the classroom. I remember a kid who fainted in class.

We never let him forget that. But I don't remember one kid being the notorious farder. Yeah, me either now that you haven't said that. We never had a notorious one. I remember some specific ones. There was a kid who snarded. He sneezed and farted at the same time. That was pretty good.

Yeah, all right. What else is there here on this topic? So, yeah, the news is that, according to the story, young kids no longer find farting funny. Now check this theory out. This might be why young kids think that laughing at a fart, like Ashley goes ahead and just unloads a gorilla fart, right? As we're sitting together in fourth grade class, right?

In the old days, everyone would have laughed. maybe beat you up on the playground, right? But today the kids don't react at all because they think that laughing or calling attention to someone who farted, they think of it as bullying. Young kids have been hammered with the no-bullying thing now for so long that they are more mindful of that type of treatment. That's the theory that I have in front of me.

Some people deserve to get bullied. It's good for you. Like a little bit, you know? Because you've got an asshole kid and maybe he just needs to be bullied a little bit. I'm going to go along with it. I think some kids need a wake-up call. I think certainly at home, right? Keep you humble and maybe teach you how to handle being bullied.

Yeah. I mean, I've noticed some kids that didn't grow up with siblings, especially like older brother. I mean, you grew up with every older brother. Yeah. And so I'm sure whatever somebody in the real world can say to you, it's nothing worse than your older brothers have said. That is so true. I feel I was prepared for the world because of all the abuse I received at home.

Yeah, you get verbal to be specific. Yeah, yes, you get thick skin pretty fast. But, I mean, mine wasn't just verbal, Josh. My brothers were awful. Were you throwing a figure four leg lock or something? Yeah, I just remember a lot of times of me and my brother going back and forth. And I remember my parents having to remind me that you don't, You don't kick him in the balls, no matter what he does to you.

Too old to be stoned at work in 1996. He was in sixth grade. He on the charter bus home, he barfed in a trash can, had to sit in the front of the bus on the steps. And nobody made fun of him in 1996. Wow. I graduated high school in 93, so there's a few years there where it could have changed. You really matured. I remember the kid that got sick on the bus and he had to sit up front.

Just as that listener just described, he had to sit, not in a seat, he had to sit on the steps with the trash can between his legs. Those were great days. Oh, I'd hate myself. Great days. Beer brewing and drinking, Jesus said a girl in his class in third grade asked the teacher if she could go to the bathroom. The teacher denied it.

She ended up wetting her pants in class, and that teacher was her mom. Oh, no. What? I wet my pants in first grade right there in the middle of the class. I was being punished by our teacher. Not knowing anything about anything as a first grader, I had a unmistakable crush on a gal in my first grade class by the name of Tina. Oh, Tina was so cute and I loved her so much.

and I didn't know what to do about it. I'm a first grader. In the middle of class, I just got up and straddled her and began kissing her. You know what I'm talking about? When I say straddled her,

like I was the cowgirl in the cowgirl position. You see what I'm saying? I just got on top of her and started kissing her. Crazy. Because I didn't know. All I knew was that I loved her and I wanted her to know this. Well, that was not.

acceptable. It's still not acceptable. And my teacher punished me, the teacher, punish me, said, get back in your seat. That is inappropriate. And she was right. Hour later, I got to take a squeege. She wouldn't let me go because of what I had done earlier. And I mean, this teacher really could have possibly injured me, right? We know that now. Yeah. Maybe in 1977, we didn't know that. But, I mean, I held onto it for, I'm going to go ahead and say four hours, she wouldn't let me go. And finally, I just got up and attempted to run out the room to the bathroom. And it happened, Covey.

I just peed all over my damn self. You get used to it. Batino's impressed. Once you do it daily and your mom has to start packing you extra underwear and jeans, you get used to it. It's no big deal. Yes, I forget you were, I love these stories. You were the most prolific bedwetter in South Minneapolis between the years 1979 and 1989, like 88 or 89.

Yeah, you guys kind of like. Well, not just bedwetter, but pantwetter. Both, yeah, a little of both. You make a big deal out of it, but it was only until like sixth or seventh grade. I didn't even mean to do that. Six or seventh grade. Didn't mean to do what? The six-seven thing.

But it was pretty much a daily occurrence. Daily? Yeah. Poor Josh. Poor little Josh. No fears of anybody becoming a serial killer or anything like that. And by the way, Tina turned out to be a missile. You could have got her young.

An absolute missile. Yeah. I mean, you usually crack me up after the show every day with some of the noises your body makes. There's a couple that, especially because you've got to hold it all morning since Ashley's in our studio. That's nice of you. Thank you. I'm not normally a big farder. But when it's just Cubby and I alone in the studio,

best of friends for 30 years, you know, the greatest comedy duo in the history of Minneapolis radio, Josh always says. I've never said that. When it's just the two of us, yeah, I'm comfortable. He's comfortable with it.

I cut wind. And it is difficult. Yesterday, some lady walked into the studio after we got off the year. And Josh, you guys know how Josh is. The two of them dialed in, oh, I don't know, a 45-minute conversation. I know, I know. We were having such fun, and I knew I'm like,

I better wrap this up because I think Nick's miserable right now. She's about to explode. Yeah. And so I had to sit and hold on to it. As soon as she left the room, it sounded like a herd of elephants was, get this lady out of our studio. Why you talk?

You still have that talking problem. You do. Yeah, I know. Oh, Jesus, he talked about your mother, your father, your siblings. Oh, yeah, we all talked about a lot of stuff. I learned a lot about her. Your current job, your past jobs, your pets,

your religious beliefs, your political affiliation. No, that never came up, neither of those things. Your educational background. There was another. time I had to apologize to Nick because we're in the bathroom and he was in the stall. And so I was wrapping up and there's another guy in there. And me and that guy started talking. And I kept trying to walk towards the door so we wouldn't be bothering Nick while he's doing his business.

Sure. But he wouldn't leave. And we were in there talking the whole time. And I thought, you know, the guy's just trying to go to the bathroom. Oh, that's awful. Stop talking to me in the bathroom. I didn't mind. I would have been fine with that.

But it was just that I knew, like, I know how Nick was, and I know, like, he probably wants some privacy. Yeah. And I did keep trying to walk towards the door like, hey, let's take this outside, but that never happened. It didn't bother me. I did find it kind of weird that the two of you had to have a 15-minute conversation in the friggin' John. Because there's that feeling sometimes when you're on the stall, you're in the stall, and somebody comes in, you kind of wait for them to leave before you continue because you're worried about what they might hear. At least I have that feeling.

Oh, I couldn't possibly care less. I don't know what it says about you or me, Josh, or us, but you are the only person that I share my wind with. You know, I was wondering about that. When I saw it was National Pass Gas Day, I know you don't, that's not something you and your wife do. Absolutely 100% will never happen. And you've never done that around any girlfriend. You've never been that way, right?

No, and I'm not. I haven't either. And I don't sit next to my buddies at the bar and I hate that. I hate it. It's not funny. It's stupid. You're not five. If you have to fart, go to the next friggin' room.

But for whatever reason, I think just because of our familiarity, when it strikes me here at work, when it's just two of us in the studio, I will let her buck. And here's the thing that concerns me. It hurts every time. Yeah, that should be concerning. It really hurts. Sometimes, you know, I'm empathetic, and there's sometimes when your body makes a noise where I feel like I can just feel the tension leaving your body. I can just feel your stomach feeling so much better. It's like I'm living vicariously through your digestive system.

That's so sweet of you to say. Does anyone know why there's so much pain involved? No. I think you should get that checked out. why don't you check it out? No, thanks. It's just kind of funny. While we're here,

there'd be some, I don't know three of you get a look at it and then come up with a collective answer. Take your pants out. Ashley, I'd recommend if never, you know, when you walk out of the studio to fill up your water bottle or whatever, never like decide, oh, shoot, I got to come back in.

Just keep going. Keep going. Because as soon as that door, closes, things happen. Go on a little trip. But this is the only place where I do it. I almost beat Wang's ass a number of years ago. He and I were playing pocket billiards in my basement, just the two of us.

7 o'clock on a Friday night. Just two guys, a couple of old pals. And it's just got some tunes in the background. And all of a sudden, Wang just unloads this big, Fat, loud. And he acted like nothing happened. And I said, what the, what was that? And he goes, what?

And I said, what do you mean? What? You just, your pants. And I said, go upstairs, go into the laundry room. What are we nine? And he was completely confused as to why I would be bothered by it. So we're just, I'm just going to continue to shoot pool while I walk around in a cloud of your frigging tombstone pizza gas.

That's all that Wang eats is Tombstone Pizza. That's all he eats. Three meals a day, Tombstone Pizza. And he just could not understand. He was totally offended. That's crazy to me. Frigan Wang. Maybe I should be grossed out, but now I'm starving for Tombstone.

I haven't had a Tombstone pizza in a long time. I love a good tombstone. I'll give me the address to where Wang goes to work later on today. And I swear to God, he'll have one in his Charlie's Angels lunchbox. Boy, I used to have that quite a bit. You mentioned the pain of gas. I thought you had the same thing as me where I had to go to the hospital because of it. Because like I had gas pains, not realizing what it was.

I was three days miserable. I couldn't sleep. I was in so much pain. And we finally called the doctor. The doctor's like, you've got to get to the hospital. Your appendix is bursting. And so we went in and I could not have been more embarrassed. When the doctor's like, no, no, no, you're just got a little gas, you know.

She's pushing on my tummy and stuff. You're going to be fine. It was so embarrassing. That is. Your tummy. Yes, that's what she even called it. She's like, we're just going to push on your tummy. And a nurse pushed on your tummy and then you farted into your...

No, that was the thing. Nothing was coming out. Oh, I thought you say she pushed a fart out for you. No, no. Well, she did to show me how it's done. She farted a lot. She's like, this is what you need to do to feel better. We have a story coming up in the stupid news report about gas.

That goes along with what you were just. just saying, yes, I ended up in the hospital once. You ended up in the hospital once for something as simple as gut rot. Something coming up in the stupid news report. Speaking of appendix potentially bursting and making fun of kids, my soccer goalie when I was a kid, he had to go get his appendix taken out, and they said, okay, go to the bathroom first. So he's in his gurney, you know, hospital gear, and he's in the, goes to the bathroom.

And he passes out from the pain and hit his head on the toilet and got a concussion. Oh, man. We never let him forget about that one. Oh, that's a bad day. That's a bad day. Back to the family. The family's giving each other crap. My cousin, she had to have her appendix out.

And for whatever reason, that was great comedy in the family for a long time. She got made fun of quite a bit. It was funny because someone had to have her? She had to have her. Yeah, her appendix almost burst. And we just gave her so much crap. Well, I can see the fun in that. And kind of we bragged about still having an appendix.

appendix and then talked about all her flaws because she doesn't have an appendix even. I can see the fun in picking on someone for that. I mean, I've told you before, the greatest comedy show I've ever seen in my life was years ago in this radio studio when a 19-year-old intern passed some kidney stones for us. That was absolutely the funniest thing I've ever watched in my life. You know, this place has changed many people, I've noticed. And you've noticed this too, Nick, where somebody comes in one way and then I don't know what it is something about the way things are.

They completely change. Sometimes in a surprisingly short amount of time. Oh, yeah, very abrupt. But this particular guy was one of the OGs of that. When he started, we both went to the same religious school. He was very devout. He was very like mild-mannered. And he was still mild-mannered by the time he left.

Very soft-spoken. He developed some habits and completely. changed. Well, he went from a choir boy to a drug addict. Yeah, pretty much what happened. Just by working at this radio station. Yeah, we've seen some changes. And if I can change,

should I do it? Yeah. No, I don't want to. We will take a little break scheme when we come back. That gas story that I was telling you about will be featured in the stupid news. We'll be back in a couple of minutes.

The 93X half-assed Morning Show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat.

And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list. standard heating.com providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help.

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What a way to start the program earlier, huh, Josh? We started off by discussing today's unofficial holiday. And this wasn't our idea. Someone else put this into law. Someone else came up with this. Today's unofficial holiday is National Pass Gas Day. For real. I suppose we are, well, I suppose isn't the right way to say that.

The theory is we are supposed to recognize and celebrate farts. Okay. We had that conversation, and it got us talking about, oh, all different types of bodily functions. Vomit, taking a duke. Piss. We talked about that, too. Got a text message here, Josh. A listener says, hey, you guys were talking about having to go number onesies or two skis.

Dude says in high school, he was on the ski team and they were on a school bus going summers. And he had to piss like a racehorse. Couldn't hang on to it like you back in the day, Josh. And he peed on the floor of the bus. But it was close to the heater. Oh, no. He says, until the day that I die, I'll remember the smell. I'll remember the sound of the shoes squeaking on the moist floor of the bus.

Everyone was walking around in his squeege. Well, I was going to met. I've told you guys before I had an experience similar to that. Luckily, not next to a heater, but the saving grave. was as I was in my snow pants as a young man people just thought it was snow melt sure after we came off the ski you're lucky nobody realized it was urine ski trip your mother made you wear your snow pants had to wear snow pants moon boots which got me a little bit of crap too thanks mom and you wet your snowsuit right there in the chalet with chicks there and everything yeah sitting at a table

with some chicks why didn't you get up and go to the bathroom I don't know it was it was weird I just would hold it. Because of the talking, I would imagine. Yeah, probably. When I was a kid, I just, I held it. I never wanted to go. Your, FOMO. Well, no, now we have an answer. And again, I never get tired of this because this is fascinating to me. Your pantwetting problem was tied

to your inability to stop talking. It could have been, yeah. But it was certainly, for whatever reason, I just never, I don't think it was just simply laziness. I've felt that before. But certainly, what, it was one of those deals? where I would hold it until I couldn't hold it anymore, it would just come out of my snow pants. I love...

In front of ladies. I love your peepant stories. I love discussing your issue with talking. You know, you don't know this, but what was it, a week ago? We had a guest in studio, didn't we? Yes. We had a listener who...

Polish crooked-nosed Jesus? Yeah, he was awesome. real nice guy decided he wanted to come and sit in on a broadcast. I don't know why anyone would, I don't even want to sit in on this broadcast. I did warn him it's boring, especially off air. On air, if you think that's boring, off air it's even more boring, but he still came in. By the way, we've been discussing farts this morning. People are saying, why haven't we heard the Iwa, you know that whole bit?

Oh, sure. The Korean fart champions of 2024. Yeah. Anyway. Where is that? They lit that one up. A week ago, we had this wonderful guy stopped by Polish crooked nose. Jesus.

Real nice guy. Okay. After the show was over, Josh and this young man started talking. And knowing Josh's issues with ending a conversation, we didn't tell you this, Josh. But Ashley and I were trading text messages back and forth saying, uh-oh, here we go. I noticed. Did you notice? Oh, yeah, I knew exactly what was good.

Well, I wanted him to get his money's worth, right? Well, he didn't spend any money, but I wanted him to, you know, because during the show, we can't talk a lot. So I wanted to make sure he was having a good time and answering any questions he might have had. Yeah, I noticed you too. We said some graphic things that probably shouldn't be repeated on the radio. Well, now I want you to repeat.

I forgot to ask you about that. Just a little dark. I think I texted something like, let's make a bet. How long are they going to go? 20 minutes, 30 minutes, and then Ashley, after a while. while Ashley said I'm thinking of blowing my brains out. You guys could stand to be better hosts instead of just texting terrible things back and forth. I did think about that.

I was like, well, thank God that, you know, he's, and it makes me feel better about having him come in here and like how great he was. I was like, all right, well, that, that helps. What are you talking about bad hosts? The show goes till nine. When it turned nine, get out. We've entered We'll get a real quick

Oh We should post that video again The joy that those young men shared that day Will stick in my memory Forever That's a band of brothers type stuff right there They'll remember that forever

No you're right the fun That they had Yeah But I can't remember how large of a flame it was. It must have been pretty good for them to have that reaction. Yeah, it's pretty large. I found the video. I never saw the, oh yes, we should

make it clear in case you're a new listener. Those young men in Korea or I can't remember exactly where it was. Those young men lit a fart. And as you heard, it was a keeper and they had the time of their lives. But I never saw

the video. I don't know. Oh, you haven't? No. Oh, you got to watch it. I don't watch a lot of videos. Yeah, it was very, very funny. Another night slowly closes in. I know that's one of your favorite songs. And I feel so lonely. It is a good song.

Torching heat, freezing on. Cheap trick, The Flame, 1988. It went all the way to number one. Saw them perform that live at Taste of Minnesota, many, many years ago. Taste of Minnesota, that takes me back. Robin Zander, when he hits those high notes, it gets me every time. Okay. Didn't you say that song was featured in a series you're watching and you cried like a child or something recently, Josh?

I swear to God you said that song was featured in a series. You might be honest something. And you were on your hands and knees crying at the sound of Robin Zint. You know what makes me sad? You don't like the song Mighty Wings. Oh, it's awful. Oh, I disagree. Oh, that's just one of the worst songs of all times.

It's cool. Like all the different guitar changes in there and everything. And it reminds me a top gun. Man, I'll tell you, that song is from the soundtrack. Yes. Right. All right. Oh, back to Piss, which was where we were going originally a few minutes ago. Another listener texted in and said, I have a vivid memory.

We had a conversation about when we were in school, when we were kids. Do you remember the kid that vomited all over the class one day? Do you remember the kid who wet his pants? Do you remember the kid who farted in class? here's a listener who says I have a vivid memory of a girl peeing herself during class in kindergarten

he says she is now a stripper with a face tattoo good cool the writing was on the wall there I want to anytime we go to a strip club now which is once a year for Christmas

if I see a stripper with a face tattoo I want to ask if urine was her origin story. Is that how you get here? Is that one of the ways? I mean, there's some stereotypical things you hear. But the urine being made fun of for peeing your pants. You know what I think of when I see a stripper with a face tattoo?

I think this one might bend the rules a little bit. Yeah. You might get a little bang for your buck. It's unconventional, certainly. All right, let's go ahead with this stupid news. Josh, I'm going to have to ask you to help me out. here. You're a skilled writer. You won awards back in your day. Oh, God, the gas from the top end. It does sneak up on you up there, doesn't it? Jesus, yeah. Oh, there's another one. You're a skilled writer.

You know and actively use words that I've never heard of. So I'm counting on you, my son, to tell me, should this be described as irony. Yes. You already have an answer for him? You didn't even hear the... Well, I know the story. Certainly, yes. It's definitely irony.

You don't even have to tell him. And he knows. Is that good? Yeah, he's good. Well. It says here some cops who were investigating stolen vehicles. They had their vehicle stolen. That's irony.

Those guys, I mean, we were talking about things you don't live, down. They're not going to, this is, you know, not their fault, but they're not going to live this down. The department's going to give them crap the rest of their lives. Uh-huh. Some cops who were investigating stolen vehicles had their vehicles stolen. That's what happened in a terrible sounding place called Central Bridge, New York. The cop's friggin' patrol car was stolen while they were walking around on foot asking folks about stolen cars. Did you, uh, can you describe the, what's the word

they use in the business, the suspect. Did you see a car? So they're interviewing people in the neighborhood, someone hops into the squad car and they gone. It's reminiscent of I'm sure you guys have seen some of these videos because they become pretty popular

where there'll be a man on the street reporter saying, all right, we're at this intersection and it's one of the most busy and dangerous intersection to the entire neighborhood. Tons of accidents and there'll be an accident right behind. Yes, I love. When that kind of stuff happens. It's like perfect.

I mean, you know, everybody hopefully is okay. But they're in the middle of this, talking about how dangerous it is. And then all of a sudden there's one right behind him. I've seen one of those. That's fun. My favorite one, I've got to see if I can find this video, is the one that scared the hell out of the guy broadcasting right in the middle of it. As jumpy as Dana was, or is, I should say.

The butlord that stole the cop car, he then relatively quickly wrapped the cop car into a, a couple of other vehicles. So it was a total disaster. The guy didn't get too far. Maybe the butlord, Josh, wasn't used to handling the power that some of those cop cars

have under the by-god hood. Well, it could be, or, you know, I don't know what they're driving, but it could have been, like, if it was a charger, aren't those rear-wheel drive? Maybe not. I guess I haven't driven one. And it was snowy out. Oh.

Yeah, the dude who stole the cop car has not been identified yet, so we're just going to go ahead and call them the butlord. I love that term. That was a good one. Underutilized. Step aside, but lord. That's the first time I heard it said.

It was in a movie called Orgasmo. Anyone recall Orgasmo? No. Barely. I remember it being very funny. I don't remember a lot from it, but, Butt Lord. It's one of those Matt Lauer and Greg DeAngelo.

Matt Stone, Trey Parker. That's it. Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the guys from South. Dana, Orgasmo, you got nothing? I got nothing on an orgasm. Oh, that's right up your alley. It's the type of movie you will forget about the Buffalo Bills, which you fell in love with a few years ago. And suddenly you'll dedicate your life to Orgasmo.

That movie is totally up your alley. I remember when it came out, I couldn't get my hands on a copy because it was like rated R or NC17 or something. And it's never really popped up in any streaming or I've never gotten. had the opportunity to watch it, but I'll seek it out because I know you guys like it a lot. I want you to watch it because I think you're going to really like it. I love that style of humor, the South Bar Boys and the other movies that made Baseball, Team America, World Police. Like, that's 100% my stuff.

Edyna Cop Jesus said he was in Minneapolis to recover a stolen car, found it, called for a toe, whilst waiting for the toe, he says, the car thieves showed up and stole the car right in front of them. Oh, my gosh. He's very good at this car thief. He just let him go at that point. You know what? Just a slow clap.

Well played. You've earned this one, man. All right, here's one of those stories where I'm relying on everybody else in the room to make sure I'm explaining this correctly because I'm the last swinging D in town that understands this AI movement that currently has us all surrounded. So I'm just going to go ahead. You folks can fill in the blanks if I leave any. Please, if you don't mind.

It says here a Utah Police Department's use of artificial intelligence led to a police report falsely stating that one of the cops had been transformed into a frog. They call the joint. The Heber City Police Department, as I told you out there in Utah. So it says here, recently they started using a pair of AI programs, Draft 1 and Code 4 to automatically generate police reports from body camera footage. A report generated by the draft 1 program mistakenly reported that a cop had been turned into a frog. A sergeant on the force by the name of Rick Keel. He told the local television news, he said, quote,

the body cam software and the AI report writing software picked up on the movie that was playing in the background, which happened to be a movie called The Princess and the Frog. That's when we learned the importance of correcting these AI-generated reports. So I don't understand at all what I'm saying. So let me ask you, the cop was making an arrest or something and a frog movie was on television in the background. What are they saying here? Yeah, that's exactly right.

And so like the AI picked up on that in the audio and threw it into the report. I mean, I'd like to see a human being turned into a fraud, as long as they can be turned back. A princess just has to kiss it or something. Yeah, uh-huh. To be how it works. So that's the bit.

you enjoy that type of thing? Yeah, that's pretty funny. You've got to proof read those things. Yeah. They've learned that now. I wish they had the police report here for us to read, but they don't. The cop that I quoted a minute ago, Mr. Keel, the right to rock. Keel, what was that, 1984?

That was their only decent song, really. Keel, the cop, said the department will continue using the AI programs but they're going to keep a closer eye on the damn thing before somebody gets killed. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he gets like a nickname, a frog-related nickname? Hey, Kermit.

Yeah. That's all I can think of. Yeah, it's the famous frog. What was the local television frog? Oh, the W-W-WB? Yeah, yeah, what was his name? The CW frog? Yeah.

Did he have a name? He did. What was it? I mean, it's no big deal if we don't come up with it. Michigan J. Frog. Do it is. All right. All the nonsense out there on social media, you already know.

I don't need to tell you about all that. Online nonsense did, recently, bite a group of people in the ass on New Year's Eve. a group of people in Birmingham, England. Hundreds of peoples came out into the cold, New Year's Eve, out onto the streets of Birmingham to watch a massive pyrotechnics and fireworks show as the clock hit midnight. That was a plan. A hell of a way to ring in the new year, wouldn't you say, Cubby?

Yeah, that sounds fun. Yeah. I mean, if I didn't mind leaving the house, I'd see something like that. If I didn't mind staying up past midnight, which I usually do. But still, hundreds of people came out to watch this fireworks show. But all those poor suckers were left standing with their English rods in their hands because that big, fat-ass kiss concert quality fireworks show was just a BS story that some piss bag tossed up online just to see how many people they could fool.

Oh, I would be so pissed. Last year, it says here a similar incident happened last year in, I believe, the same neighborhood. Yeah, same thing happened. All right, if you're falling for it twice. They got them two years in a row. Two years in a row. Says last year, thousands of people gathered up in the same neighborhood because an online story promised a spectacular fireworks show on New Year's Eve, along with food vendors and live bands and whatnot, but in the end, there wasn't dick.

So last year it was thousands of people. This year, probably because it was a joke. Last year, only hundreds showed up. They got fooled again. I'd hate to be that person. Got fooled twice. Maybe next year. Right, right.

Imagine you put your wife and kid in the car. You battle every dildo in town for a parking spot and then nothing. And you're out till 12, 31 o'clock in the morning. I don't know if you looked at any of the photos, but there were a lot of people. Those streets were packed. I'm sure they're just like, can we get this going? Yeah, and now everybody's making fun of these people in Birmingham

for coming out and staring up into the sky like a herd of turkeys. Friggin' social media pukes. Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me, you can't get fooled again. What former president? George W. George W. Bush, yep.

That is well said. I'd be pretty hot over. or something like that. Somebody's going to get chokeslam. Yep. I want to see fire. You like to see things blow up. Yeah, that sounds so cool.

I won't keep you long on this one. Something from the terrible, just terrible, unlivable, far southeastern part of the United States. This won't take long. A dude got himself arrested for armed robbery. He robbed a meat market while in the nude. You get it? A meat market. And he's naked.

And the name of the joint, he robbed, BJ's meat market. We'll be right back after these messages. They know what they're doing. Naked meat market, name of the joint, BJs. The guy's mugshot, he kind of has a look that says, I'm cool with it. Is he? Yeah, he doesn't seem to bother. by it? There's actually more

information here for you that we could use. Okay, so dude walked on into BJ's meat market. He's ass naked. He was wearing some type of a mask like a COVID mask, not a Halloween mask. He had some sort of weapon in his hand.

Nobody's sure what it was. He had a towel over his hand. But that's where the armed robbery charge charge comes from. He had a weapon. He was able, this jack wagon, butt-ass naked, was able to steal

$1,000 out the joint despite having no pockets. Yeah, where's he going to put it? I'm so dumb when you first talked about this, I was thinking like, oh, that'd be cool, like get a bunch of meat. I don't even think about the fact that they have a cash register. Yeah, maybe you're hungry.

No one was hurt, except for maybe the clerk, the clerk's eyes. They had to look at this big sagging, greasy, naked dude. He goes by the name of Kobe. Kobe. And he's only 25 years old acting like this. He's too young for that operation.

I agree. I love going to the meat market. You guys fans? Yes, I love it. I usually, I go to a meat market that has beef sticks that they sell to, like you buy one at a time. So I always get myself a nice little snack. That's one of those places it's tough not to spend all your money.

Seriously. It's just a smell alone. It's like, I wish I could bottle that as a cologne. I used to hate that smell when I was a kid. Did you? Yeah, it used to make me so nauseated, but now, yeah, I absolutely love it. I never go there. You don't?

You're missing out. I bet you'd like it. Yeah. I'm sure I would. I'm not, I'm not bragging. I'm somewhat ashamed of the fact that I never patronize. Is that the word? Yeah.

My neighborhood meat market. I'm just easy to please, and I'll grab a slice of carcass from tar. You know what I mean? Do you like cold noodle salads? I don't even know what you just said. Like a macaroni salad? Sure. Yeah, there you go.

Meat Market. Yeah, it's like special occasions we'll go there. You look for having a party or something. You just get some of the nicer stuff. But I like it. It's like going to a smaller hardware store or an auto parts store, you know, where there's just experts that are kind of passionate about what they can tell you how to cook it about what type of meat you want for whatever it is.

No, I don't need to listen to that. That boring crap. I love that. Yeah, I think it's great. Oh, it's great, too. And they don't make you feel like an idiot if you have a question about, you know, how to prepare a steak or something like that. They're happy to help you. You're right.

There's certain types of specialty stores. Like, I don't want to call anybody out necessarily, but there's certain places you go. If you don't know something about it, you're a moron. Right. But places like that, they're happy to share the information. They want to share the knowledge. I never go there. I think you'd like it.

I'm sure. Like I said, I'm sure I would. And I'm regretting. But if I want, what did you say, a cold noodles? Like a macaroni salad? A pasta. I hate macaroni salad. A pasta, I just get it from my grocery store deli.

That's where I go. So I hope that's close enough for some of you. That works. Gastroenteritis. We get to talk about gastroenteritis before we're all set and done here. Been there. Yeah, me too. Josh and I.

It's miserable. Talk about this for just a minute or two earlier in today. program. When I was 20 years old, I ended up in the hospital from something similar to that. And it friggin' sucked. That was not a good feeling. All I did, and this was totally on me, all I did was eat sausage, pizza, and drink Budweiser for about a week straight, and I ended up in the hospital vomiting all over myself with a case of that gastro-entonitis, or something similar to it. Now, how about this here? This is a bit of an adventure. I hope you're can follow me from by God the very beginning all the way to the bitter end.

A seven-year-old kid in a place called Beijing ended up in the hospital. The little pot liquor stole his neighbor's takeout order. He did, sitting there on his neighbor's front step. The kid snuck on over, he grabbed up, and then ate the meal his neighbor had ordered. That kissed me off so bad. Oh, absolutely. The kid effed up. The order was made up of some style of extra spicy takeout.

So next thing, the little stupid kid knows, he's got a world-class gase of gut rot. He's laid out in the hospital in the corner of the room, puking his guts up. Now, karma. This wasn't the kid's first heist. Word is, he had repeated. been stealing this particular neighbor's take-out food orders.

This little dickbag was doing this over and over again. No. I'd lose my mind. The victim was obviously well aware that somebody in the neighborhood was stealing his food. They just didn't know who it was. But they got a hilarious idea. They went ahead and ordered the double nuclear chicken gizzards, or something. something like that, just the double hot, hoping that the food thief would eat it up and then

their ass would fall out of their pants. And that's exactly what happened, but it turned out to be a seven-year-old kid. And here's a sickening sign of the times. The parents of this stupid takeout order thief kid are accusing the neighbor, the victim of intentionally hurting their son. Yeah, that's exactly what he did. That's what he gets. You're bastard kid keeps stealing the poor guy's food that he's buying with his hard-earned money. It's called being taught a lesson. Yeah, I'd be like, all right, so either I could have done, I could do something like that or otherwise, here's a bill for all the food that your kid stole for me.

Yeah, really. I can imagine immediately for, if there's Chinese food in front of me, I'm going to eat it up. Yeah, absolutely. I can imagine forgetting and poisoning myself, or not poisoning in this case, but giving myself gastritis. Owie. Yeah, stealing food. That's low.

I agree. So low. 50 years ago, there wasn't a parent on earth who would blame anybody but their own kid on something like this. But today's parents, you hurt Mike. Shut up. Your kid had it coming. If I was doing that, my parents would find it hilarious. Yeah.

But they did that to me. Take your friggin' medicine, literally. This mess went to court. I don't know how it turned out. It doesn't matter. But that's effing funny. You want to steal my dinner, huh? Have fun with your soft, bloody stool for the next few days.

I mean, yeah, it wasn't, they didn't actually put poison in it. They just ordered some super, super hot food. It's on the menu. They jacked it up to the, you know, when you look at the menu and there's some kind of a tamale next to it. Yeah. Spice level five. That means put a spare pair of drawers in your glove compartment. That's just how my wife orders food.

I can't imagine being sued if somebody stole her. meal out from our front porch. Take your medicine, you little punk bastard. Let me know if you guys think this is considered stealing food. We were in Chicago once watching a weekend Twins baseball. We're at the hotel after the game, all very

intoxicated, and we're looking for a buddy. We can't find him. He's sitting on a chair and he's eating a pizza out of a pizza box. You ordered pizza? And he goes, no, I didn't order it. So he stole it. And he goes, no, I paid for it, but I didn't order it. He just saw the

guy and goes, oh yeah, that's me and gave him cash for it and then just started eating the pizza. That sounds like a good way to get your ass kicked. Yeah. But it's kind of funny. He's like, no, I didn't steal it. That's bold. I paid for it, but I didn't order it. So the pizza guy just pocketed it?

Because usually you pay ahead of time, right? This was back in like 2007 or something like that. Oh, okay. It was still like a cash order type of thing. Oh, so the pizza guy probably got yelled at by his boss because he's like, hey, people called and they don't know where the heck their pizza is. Yeah, he just kind of saw the pizza guy. I was like, yeah, that's me. That's me right here.

He's like, no, I swear to God, I gave it to him. We've all done this right. You come home, drunk off your ass, and you just destroy whatever's available. Yeah. That's the best feeling. Whether it be leftovers or a bag of chips or a can of dog food, whatever, you're just that starving, desperate, disgusting drunk. Many years ago, we all ended up back at some dude's apartment after a night at the bar. and one of the dudes who live there races into the, what do you call it,

where people make food, Josh? Kitchen. Dude, races into the kitchen, grabs a bag of tostitos and a jar of salsa, and he pulls the lid off that jar of salsa, and he's just windmilling chips and salsa into his face as fast. He's that desperate, disgusting, starving drunk, right? And we're all like, wow, that looks pretty good. Can we have some?

Oh, God, until we saw the lid from the jar had about three inches of green mold on it. Cubby, he was eating 11.5-year-old salsa. Ah, man, that lasts for a while. So, yeah, that's got to be pretty old. I've done that with car beef jerky before where it was in there so long I forgot. And I mindlessly ate it, you know, paying attention to the road. And all of a sudden, I thought, when did beef jerky start getting fuzzy? When did they start making a fuss?

Josh. The dude, the next day he gave birth to a hand. Oh, I've seen that. What? 93X half-assed morning show. You got to be kidding me. Who greenlit this garbage? The 93X half-assed morning show.

Sports. On the 93X half-assed morning show. Final four seconds. That one falls off. A big rebound of Joe Ingalls to end it. And what was a dominant final three-quarters. by the Timberwolves, Minnesota wins 122 to 94 to improve to 24 and 13, their third consecutive victory. That is their third consecutive victory, anonymous announcer.

What was that? An NBC guy? I think so. Yeah, because it was a national game. I watched Jim Peterson and Alan Horton on what's our local channel called again? I think you call a Fanduel. I watched Jim Pete and Alan Horton, the NBC guy that. I'm pretty pumped about what I saw from my two favorite local basketball clubs last night.

The Timbalow Powerbombed the Miami Heat. And the Golden Gophers beat those filthy I Norwegians. Run the boat's got you my and go over Big Ten Network. Nothing but laughs for a guy like me. With both my basketball clubs, the wolves really whooped ass. Josh, it was like watching prints and his basketball team beat up on Charlie Murphy and his pals back years ago. Prince's team dominated.

It wasn't even really close. He floated at one point. Prince just floated in the air. Did the Miami heat at least get pancakes after the game? I didn't get the paper this morning. Okay. I didn't. Or maybe that information would be in there.

Prince can make a hell of a pancake we learned in that documentary. Shoot the J. Shoot it. I always liked that line. We were obsessed with that bit for years. That show was so good in general. That was a good bit. Me and my pals could not come anywhere near a basketball game

without one of us saying, shoot the J. Shoot it. I should rewatch some of those old Dave Chappelle show. Some of those bits were just legendary. They're so good. Some of them I don't even know if we can describe it anymore. When Prince tells you to shoot the J, you go ahead. Josh is going to continue on with some more news.

when we come back. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat.

And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help.

Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-K-L-K-L-D-K-L-D-K-L-K-L-K-L-E-L-L-E-L-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-H-I, host of the Stacking Benjamin's podcast. Most economists agree.

Small amount of inflation is actually good. 2% is what you're going for. But why's everybody freaking out? Oh, because it's the fallout. People don't track their budget. You have this slow slipping that happens every month. So all of a sudden you go, man, I don't have any money. The reason is now two people go to a restaurant.

The bill is $60 for $2. Two guys walk into a restaurant. They start screaming. Isn't that hilarious? $60. $60. Oh! Stacking Benjamins, follow and listen on your favorite platform.

The 93X half-assed morning show. You know that jerk across the street who's always got it in for me? Every year that guy waits to see what decorations I put out and then finds a way to top me. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula. He does nothing and I look like a jackass. 93x.

He literally turned and saw the water, eyes lit up, and I'm. I said to my friend, no, he's not going to, and he aligned to the lake. A routine loop around a Minneapolis lake, usually good for fresh air, exercise, and a leash iguana sighting, took a turn toward the remarkable last year, earning a local woman a moment on the national stage and a footnote in the ledger of good timing. Carmen Black, a Minneapolis resident and social worker, was honored Monday with the Heroic Act Award from the United States Life Saving Association. This happened at a ceremony held at the Minneapolis Fire Station No. 5, marking the highest distinction the organization offers to a bystander who's neither a lifeguard nor first responder.

What the hell did she do? She saved a little kid from drowning. She was circling the lake with a friend, settling into the rhythm of a second lap, which is too many laps in my opinion. When they saw a child suddenly break formation and sprint for the water. If he would have turned around, he would have never known his son. was literally over the edge drowning. Wet denim be damned. An instinct beat hesitation as Black ran in fully dressed to pull the child safely back to shore,

which officials say, without a doubt, saved that boy's life. Quick thinking and reaction that saved a life, that saved a rescue that we didn't even have to respond to. According to the Minneapolis interim fire chief, Black's immediate response stopped the incident from becoming something far more grim and altered the course of what likely would have ended in tragedy. Well, that's wonderful for that lady. Yeah, perfect timing. She saw the kid and thought,

boy, that kid seems to be really paying attention to the water, and then he ran right in there, and the dad didn't realize it. My brother pulled a kid off the bottom of a swimming pool and saved his life many years ago, but he never received any type of award, and I'm imagining that's because he was pretty much a dick otherwise. He's the one that pushed the kid in the pool.

Yeah, he started out by holding him under and then just changed his mind. Your brother deserved an award for that, don't you think? It's very dramatic stuff, Cubby. If you've ever flirted with the antique impulse to tell a woman she belongs in the kitchen, making you a sandwich, consider this a public service announcement. A Texas woman stands accused of driving a knife into her uncle's chest after a lunchtime quarrel. The doomed relative told his niece she best start cooking, and that sharp criticism was reciprocated by an even sharper blade.

Fittingly named Ashley, stab, stab, stabs, stabs, stab. The 32-year-old stabbed her uncle Tony once in the chest, then attempted to present the incident as an accident, even pretending she was deaf and mute when the cop showed up. What girl? The incident unfolded around noon the day after Christmas. When other residents said Tony asked them to call 911, Officers attempting to speak with Ashley were met with silence

because Ashley pretended she was nonverbal making communication. That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day long. Like they can't, you know, fact check that? That was pretty good. I wish we had video of that. That would be, you know, I'm sure they do on body cam somewhere. She pretended to be deaf and mute to avoid. That's great.

So, of course, making conversation impossible. But that obstacle was overcome by a smart cop, however, when one of the officers switched to pen and paper. Ashley then scribbled that she didn't know what happened and denied any involvement in any stabbing that may have occurred. Now, it may have occurred, which was evident by the knife in the guy's chest. Then a miracle happened. During a follow-up interview, she somehow regained the ability to speak.

Wow. And this time, she was able to communicate far more clearly than they had at the scene. She explained she and Tony shared the living room of a house, leased by another tenant who actually rented individual spaces to multiple occupants. Ashley told police she was, quote, pissed off when Tony told her to start cooking, adding that he stabbed her in the mouth before she stabbed him back. That version, however, ran into a stubborn factual problem. She displayed no injuries or marks to her face to support such a claim.

A cop said if you're stabbed in the mouth, there would be evidence. This gal's hitting it out of the park so far. She's doing her best. She's just clawing. Several days later, January 2nd, Fort Worth police responded to another call from the same resident. A roommate reported Ashley was standing outside their bedroom door holding a knife. Oh, here, here we go. So it's kind of her thing.

Apparently so. Really? At that point, they took her into custody and the court deemed the situation severe enough that Bond was denied. They decided she shouldn't be out in the world anymore. Once you stab once, you just can't stop. She basically got away with it for a couple of seconds there. A former Rhode Island mayoral candidate wasn't very diplomatic toward a cop during a recent traffic stop, calling the officer, and I apologize, these are her words, a dick while dropping the old,

do you know who I am, line? Works every time. I love these. Maria Bucci was pulled over in East Greenwich, December 18th, and the situation turned ugly real quick. The officer switched on his body. capturing every moment of her terrible attitude. As you'll hear, she was difficult right from the start. She's making faces at the officer, as he tells her she smells like booze and was driving her radically.

She then told the cop to stop embarrassing her and her friend who was with her. After the cop says he's just doing his job, she launched into her, Do you know who I am routine? The cop says he didn't know who she am. And the politician learned that her douche move wasn't going to work. Stop embarrassing us. I'm not embarrassing, you, miss, I'm doing my job. Yeah, I'm sorry.

What is you saying? No, I am, right? I don't know who you are, miss. And I frankly, I don't can. No, I really don't. The officers request that she run through some field sobriety test prompted more back and forth between them until she finally decided to comply, sort of. At some point, things took another turn for the worse.

And she went off the rails before getting cuffed and stuffed into the back of a patrol car and uttering that word. So why are you guys embarrassing me? On the line, please. This guy is like gibberish. Turn around. Turn around. Oh, you want to press me. Yep.

Give me the camera. He's the one talking gibberish? Yes. Stop embarrassing me. Jesus Christ. Who the hell do you think you are? Well, you know, a former mayor or old candidate. She was cited for refusal to submit to a chemical test, several roadway violations, and operating a motor vehicle without proof of insurance.

They tacked the last one on just for that heck of it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, with all the other stuff, maybe they'd usually drop it if you were polite. Yeah, she earned that one. I bet she has a tough time keeping a significant other. I would bet you're dead on about that. What a pain in the ass. I mean, hey, great if you have political aspirations.

Why you would, I have no idea, especially nowadays. Yeah. But can you brag about being a candidate for something if you'd never achieved success? No. There are no limits these days, Cubby, to folks. delusions of grandeur. It's hit a peak that's never been reached afore. The human nose is capable of detecting approximately one trillion distinct cents. But a California man recently discovered he needed only one to register a distinct number two.

A California resident detailed a troubling development unfolding just beyond their back door, which coincidentally involved their neighbor's back door. And I'm talking about his hoop shoot. The Anaheim resident reported a long time next door neighbor had taken to relieving himself in buckets, then depositing the contents along their shared fence line. The result, according to the online post, was a wall of stench and a set of serious health concerns. The account gathered momentum as readers weighed in on the predicament. After 15 years in the same four-unit building, the poster wrote that the family next door, particularly the elderly patriarch living in the makeshift backyard, quote, man cave, had let matters continue deteriorating

to the point of defecating. The situation reached the point where human waste was seeping into the soil on both sides of their fence. What's wrong with the toilet? Well, he lives in a, like a structure in the back now that he called his man cave, just didn't have plumbing. He can't make it into the house. I guess, I don't know if they don't let him in the house. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. He's too lazy to get to the house? So there's turds all over the fence line? Yeah, he's just going in buckets and dumping near the fence. So unsure how to proceed, the person who made the post said adult protective services had been contacted for a welfare check, and they described that move as the kindest way to intervene, not knowing originally how to deal with that situation.

The guy must be insane. I would think so, right? A little bit. He's in, he's just, he's reached a point of Jay Cutler where he doesn't care anymore. Maybe he's, that age. But it was bad enough that the neighborhood was, they had to have like a health department out. They were concerned about everyone's health. I, uh, I spent a good couple of summers pissing in the fish house. We had a permanent fish house and I, we stored it next to my garage. And when we drink, um, detached garage, uh, when we drink beer in, in my garage, none of us would go into the house to take a squeege, we would go into the fish house and whiz into the holes.

And it was a lot of laughs until I walked in there one day and said, this is a health hazard. Got a little ripe? Oh, Lord, have mercy. Here's your Pee-Pee's and Poo-Pact of the day. Scientists are working on potty training. Cows. Oh.

A little cow bathrooms out in the pasture someday, I guess. That's adorable. I didn't know that was a problem. problem. Everyone's experienced that brief mental blackout where reflexes take the wheel, but usually it's stopped short of involving a friar, an earbud, and a hospital bracelet. First responders were dispatched to an Ohio McDonald's after a call reporting a woman with severe burns to her hand. Upon arrival, they learned the injury had a singular source, an errant earbud, which slipped into the hot grease friar, followed by an ill-fated reach to retrieve it. Oh, I could see just that

instant reaction. Yeah, I could definitely see myself doing something like that. I tried to catch a circle saw once as it slipped. Oh. And realized, what if? Thank God I wasn't able to catch it because what if I did? I would have been serious trouble. I made that move once too with a big industrial mixing machine.

About the size of a minivan, this big, deep mixing machine. That when I was a kid at a warehouse job, we would make ceiling texture and wall texture in these massive vats. And with dry materials, you know, was part of the process, cracking open 25-pound bags of these dry material into the vat. Big spinning, you know, steel wheel did the mixing. And at one point or another, I dropped one of the bags into the mixer. Well, so what?

Turn the power on and off a couple of times. you know, that bag will come up from the bottom and you can grab it when the machine is off. I attempted to grab it while the machine was on, and the machine grabbed the sleeve of my sweatshirt, and luckily that sweatshirt gave way. Had it not, I would have, at 17 years old, I would have been torn to pieces by this massive minivan-sized industrial mixer. And I remember asking myself, what the F were you thinking? Why did it just a momentary ridiculous thing like that could have killed me

dead on the spot? What did this lady do again? She reached into a deep friar for a earbud that fell out. I mean, yes, I could see just your instant reaction was to try and grab it. Unfortunately, for her, she got a swift lesson in friar physics there. Did the hand come off?

They didn't say that, but she did deep fry it. She was transported to a hospital. Ouch. And she was treated for a suicide. Veer Burns. The pain. That's so bad. I know.

And I'm sure it was as, just as her fingers were about to dip in there, she realized, no, what am I doing? Yep. An 82-year-old woman who would. What did you do try to grab a saw blade as it fell off the saw? Yeah, it skid off. When I was landscaping, my co-worker was using the saw and it just kind of skipped the way, and I tried to grab it. Oh, no. Like a ball player fielding a ground ball.

No, more like I was trying to scoop it up underneath it. Oh, catch it before it hit the ground. It was just like an instant reaction, but I just missed it. But we're all like, oh, my coach was like, what are you doing? I'm like, I don't know. I didn't even think. I just tried to grab it. That would have been so long cubbies, as you say.

Can I go ahead with this, Josh? Can I use one of your terms? Of course. That would have been bye-bye tingers. Yeah, my tingers would have been gone. God. My love life would have been over. Yeah, it was...

Oh, was that your stroke hand? Yeah, well, it took both my arms the way I was trying to grab it. Both of your arms? Yeah, I was trying to, like, cradle it. That was very, very dumb. Oh. David Lee Roth has announced a spring North American tour. It's a weird smile he has now.

He's had that for years and years. As if someone's kind of telling him jokes in his head? Yes. He's out of his mind. So he's coming to town? Yes, he is. Oh, really? Sort of, yes.

Oh. Billed as a Knight with David Lee Roth, the 30 city track kicks off April 16th in Washington, runs through June 20th in Milwaukee, and it'll bicycle kick a stop in Moorhead, June 16th at the Blue Stream Amphithe. Morehead. Yeah, so that's as close as he's coming, so far at least. Based on his outing last year, fans can expect a near 20-song set of Van Heelan classics, and the rest, of course, Diamond Dave's solo stuff.

People in Morad have it bad as it is. They've got to go witness that. I'd still like to see him live, even though it's nothing like, you know, the genius he used to be. Greatest frontman in rock and roll history. Totally agree. Hands down. Yep. Nobody could touch Diamond Dave ever.

I don't think there's an argument that can be made otherwise. Ever. There's plenty of great frontmen, but he's the best. It's just, I've seen videos and I just don't know what he's doing. Now, I'll say this, he had a bad run in the early 2000s also, where it just was horrible. But I saw him five years ago, and he put on a really great show. He didn't try to... His problem is he tries to...

Too hard to sing these songs. He's 70-something years old. You got to know your limits, right? When I saw him five years ago, he didn't try to push it. He sounded really good. But everything I see lately is that it's gone violently the other way. Yeah, that's what I've seen, too.

But, you know, I would like to see him while I have a chance, even if it's, you know, the Dave of today versus the legend he was. So you never saw him live? Never once, no. Oh, dude. In any capacity. Back in the day, dude, I mean, you would have, you would have removed your pants in underwear. I'm sure. Steve Vye.

Right. Billy Sheehan and Dave together? I mean, one of the great. seen him with Jason Becker would have been awesome. With Vi and Sheen, it was the greatest thing I ever saw. Yeah, I could see why. In other music news, Lars Ulrich from Metallica is getting his own serious XM show called Lars Deepdive, the first episode, which actually just premiered on Monday,

focused on ACDC with Alrick playing his favorite deep cuts from the Australian icons. And that's kind of the gist of his show. Playing old ACDC songs, huh? And following MTV's shutdown of its global music channels, there's a new free fan-created website called MTV Rewind that features more than 27,000 classic music videos and vintage commercials, plus content from, yo, MTV Raps, and Headbangers Ball. I'd be interested in checking out the old Headbangers Ball episodes. Hey, back to Van Halen and David Lee Roth, Josh. There's a thank you to the spokesman, Jesus. And I know what you mean by that, and it's freaking. It's disgusting. Oh, no.

It's frigging disgusting. Does he mean that? Yes, he does. Oh, no. We know what you're doing with that friggin' name. The spokesman Jesus texted in. There's a Van Halen tribute band coming to Medina Entertainment Center on January 17th. So what would that be?

Not this Saturday, but next Saturday? Correct. They're called Jump, and they're supposed to be the ultimate Van Halen Tribute experience and all that. If that gets your flag. cracked open, cubby. Yeah, I'd be interested. I mean, the atomic punks were incredible. They were a lot of fun.

Yeah, I'd definitely want to go see a Van Halen, Tray. I mean, that's right down the street from my neck of the woods, Josh. You could crash at Daddy's Place. Oh. Yeah, I'd like to go. Might as well jump, I bet they say. I bet they sing that song. Author Harlan Coben debuts his new CBS crime series tonight called Harlan Coben's

final twist. Here's a clip. Now when I hear about a true crime, I get obsessed. I have to follow the trail no matter where it takes me, like the mind-bending double homicide of two people named Billy. Terrible crimes often blossom out of something small. In this case, just a routine friend request on social media, and that's where our mystery begins.

And the streaming premiere of Tron Ares is available on Disney Plus, a film some unimpressed viewers have started calling Tron Arse. Oh, huh. Tron ass, Tron arse I've seen thrown around the internet. Apparently, a lot of folks don't like it. I'd be interested. I love Tron.

Jeremy Renner, 55, Nicholas Cage, 62. Kenny Loggin, 78. Happy birthday to Sierra. She's the originator you know of. Kangaroo panties. She's got a birthday today. Beard Jesus. Thank you for letting us know.

That that's the Sierra they're wishing a happy birthday to. Beard Jesus told me. Beer? Beard. Yeah, he told me that. She was the one. who dumped that light on us all those years ago. Many, many years ago. Can we hear it again?

Sure. Kangaroo panties. That's just crazy to me. It changed. Everyone in the room that day changed them forever when she said that. Time stopped for a second. And she was just as cute as a button. Happy birthday to Nevada. Turn in the big 06 today from Mom Chaos Coordinator Sheez-Sys.

Happy 40th to Royalty Analysts, Sheez-Sys, from Golly's. Jesus and friends. Happy birthday to Theodore, aka Big Man, turning the big 01 today from Dad printing Jesus. And Dana, you have a shout out as well. Yeah, happy birthday and my lovely wife. Hopefully your second grade students celebrate your birthday today more so than National Pass Gas Day.

No, I hope that's all she gets. That's all she gets, just farts all day in the classroom. She deserves more, but that'd be good comedy. And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder. on the half-ass morning show oh steve don't get thrown out get him out of there get him out of there back him up back him up gp back him up steve right on he's already gone he's already gone steve begging inglewood right now inglewood get him steve you in inglewood steve you in inglewood

steve the arily wildcatting came out and look at him oh randy shaver and brad writer good morning good morning hello our guest at this time are the ass man and the lonely boy. Hello, hello, hello. Snoop dog, snoop doggie dog, sat in with the play-by-play dudes for the Clippers Warriors broadcast a night or two ago. That's what you heard there in the intro. He was, he's everywhere.

Funny as usual. funny as usual. He's beloved. No doubt promoting the Winter Olympics. I'll see plenty of them the next month. He is NBC's boy. He's everywhere. He's doing a wonderful job.

Yep, he's everywhere. My beloved Timberwolves stomped a mud hole in the Miami heat and then walked it dry. Beat them by 28 points if my arithmetic is correct. And they look solid all the way around. They did. They even play defense. I don't know why they can't play defense every game, but last night they played defense.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, the times that I watched them play, I mean, I flipped back and forth between the gophers and the wolves. I have to be honest, I watched way more of the gopher game last night than I did the Timberwolves game. But when I was watching the wolves, you're right. They played very well, played very hard. Edward shot the ball well.

He played about as well as he's played the last couple of weeks. And their bench did a nice job last night. Nas read again, another great performance. You know, Miami's a really good basketball team. They're not bad. I mean, they've got, I mean, Tyler Hero just came back from a long stint on the injury list last night. So they're better when he's on the floor playing 30 minutes,

and you'll see that moving forward. I don't know why. When I look at Tyler Hero, I'm instantly put in kind of a sour mood. Why? There's something about his appearance that irritates me. Do you know his brother plays for the University of St. Thomas? Yeah, they mentioned that on the broadcast last night. I don't know what it is.

When I see him, I just kind of get pissy. I don't know why. I don't know why. He's an old school. He's an old school player. When I see Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith, I'm instantly in a terrible mood. I don't know. I like Stephen Tyler.

Oh, you, no, you do not. What's not to like? Oh, God. Oh, Cubby. You don't like band-dhands? I can't say I watched any of the Wolves game because I was at Williams Arena last night. At William, Wollam Arena. So tell me, Brad, at Williams Arena, because I was curious watching the game.

Yeah. How I saw some people. the upper deck. How full was it? What would you say? It was not, it was not very full. I would say the upper deck was maybe half full, especially the end. Well, that's better than what it's been. They're getting there. The ends were not full at all. I'm trying to figure out the breakdown of Iowa versus Minnesota fans. If I'm being honest, maybe a quarter to a fifth Iowa fans and the rest gopher fans. The Iowa fans made a lot of noise, obviously, in the second half. Before we get to the Golden Gophers, let me just tell Timberwolves fans.

Timberwolves. And I'm excited to transfer over to talk about the Golden Gophers, but the wolves play, now that they beat Miami, up next, the wolves play back-to-back ball games against the Cleveland Cavaliers, one here and then one over there. Fun. Okay. Cavs are good, and they're healthy.

Even Dante DiVincenzo hit a couple of three-point baskets, and lately he hasn't been able to find his own ass with both hands and a two-hour time limit. But he even hit a couple. Yes, now, it's pretty exciting to see what the Golden Gopher Basketball Club was able to do last night. Bro the boat got you on at work. They beat those bastard Iowegeans at the barn. Always fun to beat the Iowegians. Brad went ahead.

Yeah, the game followed the script of what we've talked about with them in, previous shows when we've talked about them. They're starting five plays the majority of the game, and they got out to a big lead. They played really well in the first half, and then the last 10 minutes of the game, you could just see. I mean, I was there, obviously, so I was watching a lot closer than on TV. Those guys were gassed. They were completely gassed.

Does that explain why they couldn't hit their free throws? Well, no, they were 75%. They made it. That's better what they've been. Yeah. Crocker Johnson. missed a couple big ones. Here you do.

But he hit a monster three last night. He did. It was just huge. They beat the Iwoegens by three. They should have won by seven or eight. But like every other, like every other Golden Gopher basketball team

over the last 15 years or so, they struggle at the free throw line. I'm surprised that it was 75%. That's very good for a Golden Gopher basketball team. They went to the line 26 times in the second half. And again, I think early in the air, the times I've watched them, they chucked up a lot of three. They didn't do that much last night. They took the ball to the basket a lot and drew a lot of fouls. And, you know, I think

that's the way they've got to play. I mean, they don't have necessarily, you know, that three-point shooter they can count on every night. And so they did what they needed to do last night. They did it pretty well for about 35 minutes of the game. They were in the double bonus with 11 minutes left in the game. So when you can get to the double bonus by that point, You're in really good shape. And shooting threes, I mean, it's better to get to the basket and get the fouls than to rely on the three-point shot when you're in the double bonus. So they did a lot of things well. Langston Reynolds, it's the first time I've really watched him closely.

Good player. Does a lot of nice things for them. That's the seven. They're starting five. Their starting five is nice. I mean, they've got a nice starting five. It's just that I, you can tell. hell that Nico doesn't want to go to the bench.

And, you know, I mean, there's a major drop off there. But you've got to give the coaching staff a lot of credit. Like I said, the times I watched them in the non-conference, they chucked up more threes than I thought they should. But last night, they had a nice game plan, and they stuck to it. The players stuck to it. They only had 10 turnover. So, yeah, it was a nice one.

That's the second ranked club that the Golden Gophers have defeated this season, the other being Indiana. But as we discussed a couple of weeks ago, they're more of a football school there in Indiana. They're not really known for their basketball at the University of the next up. Kind of an odd setup here. The U of M plays at home Friday night against the Southern. How do I say this?

The University of Southern California. Hmm. A Friday night. And then they've got Wisconsin at home after that. These are some fun matchups here. Yeah. They're unbeaten at home too. They're 9 and 0 at home.

If they can win the next couple home games, I know, you know, we're asking a little bit here at this point, but they'd be 5 and 1 in the Big 10 if they win those two games. Got a text message here, Brad. And you've got to start thinking about the tournament. Friggins, it's almost tournament time, Brad. Settle down, Brad. I'm saying if they, all I'm saying is if they win the next two home games,

if they win the next two home games and they're 5 and 1, I mean. Settle down, Brad. Thinking about it a little bit. Josh, these are the earliest symptoms of March madness we've ever seen. We just started 2026. They've got five players and two guys that come off the bench to play 10 minutes each. I'm not worried about it. I know.

Brad, you're right. Let's start talking about the tournament. Here's a text message that says start sculpting the Nico statue now. I mean, their biggest key, I got to keep those five guys healthy. If they don't keep those five guys healthy, they're not going to go anywhere. But if they've already lost healthy, yeah. It's exciting.

They've already lost two starters to injuries this year that are not coming back. So if you had those two guys in the mix, then I think you can have that honest conversation about having potential to make the tournament. I just don't see how you can do that when you're relying on just five plus guys. I just don't see how that is even considering the big 10th.

schedule and how brutal it is and everything else. That's a real big ask to make. I will say this. They play hard. They play smart. They don't, they don't try to hurt themselves, and they're freaking gutty.

I love the jailer, Crocker Johnson. The F word. Watch it. They play defense. If you ever watch, if you're watching the wolves game, and you're sick of not watching them play defense,

turn over and watch one of these. Yeah, they hustle. Angry Minnesota sports fan Jesus texted in to say, I'll have one of whatever Brad is having this morning. He gets caught up in the excitement. Brad does. He starts talking about the tournament. I just said if they win their next two homes.

I understand. If I win the lottery once and then I win it a second time, there's a chance I might be able to retire someday. Now this is a hell of a deal. A little something. Here's a little something that has golden gold. basketball fans irritated. And we're going to have to go back now

to one of the most bittersweet, heartbreaking effing tragedies in the history of Minnesota sports. I'm going to try not to cry. The Golden Gopher Basketball scandal from the late 1990s. They made it to the final. You're going to make me have nightmares all week, aren't you? Because I was there for that.

Anyway. I'm sorry, Bradrider. Say that again? I said, you're going to make me have nightmares all week now because I was there on the front lines for that. Staying busy doing homework and whatnot. You were writing papers for kids. You were working at the U of M for the hockey team at the time, right?

And basketball, both. Oh, did you do homework for anybody? Not that you know of. They made it to the final final four in 1997. It was, it still is one of the most wonderful memories I have of being a local sports fan. We had the time of our effing lives during those years.

Great players, great teams. Yes, Cubby? I'm trying to remember some of the details of that scandal. Was it pretty much like one woman who was doing all the homework? Like a really smart lady and she was doing everybody's homework? Well, I wouldn't call her smart, but yes. Yeah.

What? I mean, she's fast away since two. Oh, way to go, Brad. Really? Jesus, that's... Jan Gangelhoff. Yeah. The bar scene in town was unreal. there wasn't a bar stool available anywhere within an hour of tip-off during that tournament run in 97.

Oh, for sure. I'll tell you what. And if you went to the games, Willem Arena about gave way. It was so loud. They came so close. I loved those teams. I won't ever forget walking into the dome in Indianapolis, whatever they call it now, the former one.

And on the practice day, when we went down there in the final four. And just seeing that massive amount of people there for the practice on Friday and walking in there, that's one of those things I won't forget. But then that silly scandal wiped it all out. Wiped it smooth out the record books because, as we discussed, a lady was getting paid to do the players' homework for them. And we had to act like it. Never happened. Now here's the scandal. That's not how we. I set it up. Here's what has Golden Gopher basketball fans irritated. The University of Minnesota won't hang any banners commemorating that team. They don't recognize that team at all. They barely acknowledge former coach Clem Haskin. Bobby Jackson's jersey isn't retired, and it should be. Yes. But the U of M is, the U of M is trying to make some money off the 97th season

by selling a final, final four folding chair on its website. That's what has some fans irritated. It's the U of M selling it or it's a fan selling? The article that I read, it's the University of Minnesota on their website is selling these commemorative chairs from the final four, or they're a replica of the 97. But you understand the point that there's. Yeah, fans are mad because you can't have it both ways.

Right. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. I get that. kind of interesting to me. And quite honestly. Go ahead, Brad.

Oh, as you say, when I was in the barn last night, too, I happened to look up and I was looking at the banners. And I had that same thought. I'm like, that's just a shame because there's a big gap there where there's no banners. And you know that there's a couple that should be hanging there, the Big Ten championship banner and the Final Four banner should be hanging there.

You know they still have it somewhere. Quite honestly, they should hang those banners. They really should. They should. I mean, come on. Come on. Yeah. It's just ridiculous.

So, there you go. One of our listeners says he got Clem Haskins' autograph in 1997. I loved Clem. Clem's wife just passed away. Really? Yeah. Within the last month. Yeah.

And his son, Brent, who I went to high school with. Yeah, he passed away too. I passed a number of years ago. I loved Clem Haskins so much if I, if I could do it. it all over again, Cubby? I would have hugged him when I had the chance. You had an opportunity, huh? Yeah.

He was, he was, he was, he was great. I worked with Clem, did a gopher basketball show with Clem. I just, you know, fun to talk to great stories, a good guy, loved his basketball team, loved the University of Minnesota, really did. He just, he gave a lot of time. and effort to that program. And it's a shame how things turned out because he deserves a better fate in Minnesota than what happened.

He really does. You'd be hard pressed to find a coach in Minnesota history the last 40 to 50 years. And you can speak to this for what I'm going to say. That was more respected and light at the same time by the meeting. Yeah. Yes. Locally. If I could do it all over again, I would have hugged him when I had the chance.

You know what he ended up doing? I'm looking at his Wikipedia page after he got done coaching. He went home and far. Yeah. Yeah, he became a cat. He's raising cattle. Raising cattle. Those lucky cattle, they get to see clam every day.

Not passing on a hug opportunity. Here he is, medical device Jesus. He says, you know, the Ann Arbor. Astros cheated the game of football. That's J.J. McCarthy's old team, the Ann Arbor Astros, who cheated at football, and they got a slap on the wrist.

The Golden Gopher. The University of Minnesota should undo all their BS and embrace that Final Four team. You're right, medical device, Jesus. I really think they should. And to think that they were the only school and some players weren't doing their own homework, come on. A lot of schools clenched up at that.

There's high school kids that don't do their own homework. Exactly. You know what? They have an opportunity. They have an opportunity next year if they want it because next year would be the 30-year anniversary. Don't talk about the 30-year anniversary, Brad. And Clem's still around.

Honestly, they should think about doing something because, I mean, if that were to happen in this day and age, I don't think there would be any big uproar of stuff. Yeah, they slap on the wrist, maybe. but not like what they did to that team. All right, now I'm fully in fantasy mode. Now that you've said what you've said, Randy and Brad, I'm picturing a full Woolam Arena. And I say that in tribute to Clem,

because he never used S's. It was Woola Marina, not Williams Arena, to Clem, Haskin. I'm picturing a full Woolham Arena and that 97 team, including Clem, being recognized at mid-court next season for the 30th anniversary. I would drop to my knees and ball like a baby. And they'd play the top hits from 97.

What would that be, Josh? What was the top song for? Maybe some foo fighters. I'm going to go with, I bet you, the top hit of 1997 was that friggin Titanic song by that Swedish lady. Oh, I think you're right, yeah. That's my guess. What a winter it would be next winter if we retired Garnett's jersey next year and did that.

Oh, don't. Candle in the wind. Candle in the wind? Yes. It's terrible song. There's Jewel on there, Puff Daddy, Tony Braxton, more Puff Daddy, R. Kelly and Vogue. What about the Titanic song from that, that year-dain age well? That Norwegian lady.

I'm looking for it. Spice Girls want to be, huh? You like that one? Now we're talking. She was from Iceland or Canada or Norway or something. She sang that song about the Titanic. My heart will go on. Oh, yeah.

Someone should have kicked her ass when they had the chance. Wow. She's going through health issues right now. She's going through hell right now. I'm kidding. I don't know anything about her. It's a joke. It's shock value or whatever we do here in the business.

It's just trying to get a cheap pie. Christ's sake, you guys act like I'm standing under... We need to start the movement on this reunion thing, I think. I can't stop thinking about it, Brad. You guys are screwed. I'm lost. You could tie Nico into it, too, because he was a student manager on that team. You know what?

Who should say the ball rolling on that? Who should say the gophers can't honor that team? Honestly. It's ridiculous that we sit here and pretend that that didn't happen. It's just so stupid. Oh, sure. So much time has passed. And the landscape of college athletics is so different now.

Completely different. It's so different. It's almost really irritating that we're sitting here. Right. You know, especially with Clem still around and those guys are, what are they now? They're in their 50s? They're in early 50s, yeah. I saw Willie Burr.

I may have told this story. I may have told this story once or twice, but I got in trouble when I worked at the University of Minnesota. This is how things have changed so much in the last 30 years. I actually got in trouble a little bit. I got my hands left when I worked there because I gave, remember Steve DeBus Nick? Sure. I gave Steve DeBoss a ride back from Mariucci to Beerman when it was snowing out one day, and I got in trouble for it. How dare you be helpful?

It was against NCAA rules. Because I was a staff and I was giving a student athlete a ride. That's silly. So I think about how things have changed over the last 30 years. Did they prefer for him to walk? Yeah. He should have skated. He's a hockey player.

I don't want to ruin Nick for the rest of this break here. Oh, no. So I'm continuing the Billboard Hot 100 from 1997. Yeah, sorry I brought it up. Spice Girls, Two Become One, also one. on that list. And I know, look at a match. Oh, gosh.

Are you okay? He loves that song. I started convulsing. I started convulsing when Josh brought up the Spice Girl song to become one. That was the moment where I decided I will kill people in honor of baby spice. That's when my killing spree began. I will kill. kill people until she recognizes me.

I started in 97 and they haven't caught me yet. Oh, man. Wow. Did you see what she looked like in that video? Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah. I completely understand. You know that one, Brad?

Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Sounds like he really knows it. Daddy knows. This has been a wonderful turn of events. You know, we started just talking about this nice win for the Golden Gopher basketball program last night. and it's taken me, I'm fully lost in space, fantasizing about the possibilities of recognizing that 97 team.

I know Willie Burton wasn't a member of the 97 team. Willie Burton graduated in 90 or whatever, but he was part of a Clem-Haskins team that went to the Sweet 16 and the grade 8. I saw Willie at a Golden Gofer basketball game a couple of years ago, and security had to pull me off of him. Why not honor Clem for his service at the U and tie it that way and bring all the players back from all of his teams? Yes. But make it about Clem and not about 97, but you still throw in those 97 players. I mean, I just think that that's a part of Gopher basketball history that needs to be honored and, and shared with everybody.

We're all in on that, Randy. I just... Here's a text from HVAC delivery Jesus. He says, what do you think those man, Kato hockey players do their own homework? No, their 20-year-old kids are doing it for them. Yep, right.

Can I share a lame claim to fame about that 97 team? Go right ahead. I once guarded Sam Jacobson in a pickup basketball game at Lifetime. I'd imagine he broke your ankles? He was a lot better than me And he was probably going ahead About 30%

Maybe 20 Just probably just trying to get a sweat in Sam Jacobson At one point he took it straight to the rim Just blew by me And we're going back the other way And I kind of look at him like You play much ball

And he kind of winkingly And he realized I knew who he was And he goes yeah a little bit When I was younger The only decent thing to ever come out Of Cottage Grove, Minnesota I will say Sam Jacobson was the best high school

basketball player I ever saw when I was working sports at care. He was, he and Joel Prisbilla, those were the two best high school basketball players in Minnesota. Sam Jacobson could absolutely jump out of the gym. And he was such a good shooter. And he was, he was such a great player. Yeah, he was. Such a great player.

Once playing beer league hockey, Dana. When we got a little older, this frigging league we were playing. in did us dirty. Right when we got old, they started allowing like these D1 and D2 college players to join our friggin' beer league. Oh, that ain't right. Right? So we're taking the ice against these 20-year-olds and some kid came in down the ice on me. I was playing defense and just undressed the balls off of me. Went into a onto our goalie Vinnie and just went peanut butter drawer, went to underwear drawer where mama keeps the peanut butter. I mean, my head was spinning.

The kid passed me and deaked me so easily. I went back to the bench and one of my teammates says, yeah, Borny don't feel so bad. That kid just got drafted in the third round by the Montreal Canadian. Yeah, what the hell? And I found myself screaming. Every time the kid skated past me, I'm on the bench. I was screaming at him.

What the hell are you doing here? Get the hell out of here. While we're on the topic of hockey, it's time for a Minnesota Wild update brought to you by Luther Kiah of Bloomington. Yeah, that's right, a Minnesota Wild update. Are the Wild ever going to come home? You've got to wait until this weekend for that. Tomorrow night. Is that junior tournament?

They're done with that, Brad. Tomorrow night, the pigs play at the totally incompleteness. unnecessary Seattle Cracken. I did see a story going around, and we kind of hinted at this a couple weeks ago, I did see a story going around about one more big trade possibly coming from GM Bill Garen, Sidney Crosby.

Oh, that'd be cool. Kind of surreal. One more big trade coming out of Bill Garen's office, Sidney Crosby. Why not? Go all in. But he doesn't have it anymore. I'm kidding, I'm sure he's fine. I'm kidding, I'm sure he's just fine.

That would be unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable if the pigs could land. Just his impact in the locker room would be amazing. Dude, yeah. You got all these young guys who are just starting to blossom as great players. Imagine his impact with all those guys. It's kind of like what Flower did for this organization when he was here. It's just having a guy like that around that just, you know, it just makes, it means a lot. That would be incredible.

If you think folks. They got the second most points in the NHL. Go all in. Let's go for it. What about second most points? We got the second most points in the NHL. Who has the second most points in the NHL? Wild.

Oh, I thought you were talking about Sidney Crosby. No, no, no, no. The wild. If you think this town is already masturbating. over and over again at the potential of this current roster. Imagine if they made a trade for someone like Sid Crosby. Just as long as you didn't give up, you know, something that would haunt you down the road. Well, of course.

That's the key. And you know what? You know, so yeah, the pigs play at the completely unnecessary Seattle cracking tomorrow night. We didn't get a chance to talk to Marcus today because he's out on the West Coast. So there's not a ton to cover here. But while we are talking hockey, and we can wrap up our update with this, I just heard this friggin' story again. It's one of my favorites.

And I know what you're saying, again, with the old stories. But we were talking about Golden Gopher basketball team, the 97 team that went to the final four, the atmosphere at the bars, the atmosphere at Willam Arena was unreal. I just heard this old story again. I really do think that the atmosphere at Willem Arena back during those years was comparable to the old North Star playoff games. Oh, for sure. Where there were nights at Met Center where you weren't entirely sure you were going to make it out of there a lot. And I just heard this old story again.

And of course, you know, it's been tweaked over the years. I can't promise you, you know, full legitimate details here. I think the first time I heard the story was from former North Star. all-time good guy Tom Reed. Still calling Pigs games on the radio, by the way. But anyways, it was the mid-80s. The Blackhawks and North Stars were playing each other in the playoffs like they always did back then.

A Chicago radio guy was live on air doing a pre-game setup for the Hawks Stars playoff game. And apparently a North Stars fan walking nearby recognized him as the Blackhawks radio guy. And supposedly, if you were listening to his broadcast that night, there was a brief commotion and an interruption as the radio guy was talking stats and whatnot. And then the radio guy said, well, it must be the playoffs.

And I must be in Minnesota because a fan just threw a full beer up into our broadcast booth and hit me in the head with it. Man, do I miss those days. That was affordable in the 80s. In 2025, you're not going to throw a $17. All right. Is this for real? Jim Harbaugh's brother, Draymond. What the hell is his first name?

John. John Harbaugh has been fired from his gig. How crazy is that? As head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, 18 years he coached that ball club. That's crazy. I was reading a lot of things, though, yesterday. and it sounds like, from what I was reading,

that he's lost some players, lost the locker room a little bit, including Lamar Jackson. So it's not a mutual decision, but it sounds like that he was, there was some discussion about, you know, how he would be able to stay in Baltimore and he would have to dismantle some of his coaches.

coaching staff in order to do that. And he absolutely did not want to do that. Oh, yeah, 18 years he put in. Yeah. In Baltimore. But the kicker feels even worse now. He'll end up with the Giants. Oh, yeah.

He'll wait and see. They said he has like seven interviews already lined up. Yeah, he'll end up with the Giants. All right. Fair enough. And he'll do a great job with the Giants. former NFL ball player Matt Khalil is suing his ex-wife. She goes by the name of Haley.

I watch this video. Former NFL player Matt Khalil is suing his ex-wife Haley over comments she made back in November about his oversized Schwannstooker. That was the biggest factor? The biggest factor, yes. Oh, my God. But no cheese. Like, no shot.

No, because he was like 0.01% of the population. All I said. Try that. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. We tried to be impossible. Unless, you know, you're going to be in tears. Does the guy on that show have a roll of quarters in his mouth?

Part of that was just from cleaning up the audio. It was so bad. I think that made that happen. But, yeah, she said that's why they had to get divorced. You guys remember this, right? Oh, yeah. It's hard to forget this. A couple of Coke cans.

Yep, that's what she called it. You know, I don't know that I'd sue for this. I'd be very excited if my wife was going to sue. But if I were going to sue, I would do exactly what he did and wait until everybody heard the story. And once the story started dying, I'd bring it back up again with the lawsuit. Genius. I want to make sure nobody misses that. Keep it in the news cycle.

Yeah. His ex-wife went on a podcast, told everybody that he has this massive, disgusting pecker. She described it as Randy just mentioned. She described it as two or three Coke cans stacked on top of each other. Good Lord. Well, Matt Khalil, the guy with the Coke cans, he said that she degraded and deeply, I'll get there. He called her comments degrading and deeply personal. He said they've caused him unwanted attention.

invasive commentary from the public. He says his family hears about it. His new wife. Well, she knows. Yeah, she knows. That is a little weird. His new wife is catching

disgusting comments online all the time. Yeah, that's unfortunate. So he wants somewhere in the neighborhood of $75,000 for what she's done to him. Good for him. Brad. His ex-wife. I'm usually not on board with all these lawsuits and stuff, but seriously, I mean, she needs to just be quiet.

Yeah, if it's affecting his family, that's completely different. Yeah. He was our Viking many, many years ago. I wonder if he was him. No, Todd Khalil was. Right? What? No, Matt Khalil was.

No, you guys said Matt Kalil was your Viking for a couple years. I don't remember either one of them. Yeah, Matt Kalil was. Todd played for the Panthers, I think. Oh, okay. Oh, that's right. You mentioned that, Josh. He was for one or two seasons.

And I have zero memory. Yeah. Nick doesn't remember. I don't remember ever saying a word to Matt Gulliv. I knew there was one. I guess I had the two brothers mixed up. No, it's the hung one. And I think we covered this already. He wasn't terribly memorable.

Yeah, I think that's not to be rude or anything, but he didn't have the personality that a lot of our other Vikings have had. He must have an enormous schvon stooker. Well, that's the thing. His career wasn't all that memorable either. So anytime his name gets mentioned from here on out, he's just going to be the big dong guy. Now, his ex-wife is shocked that he's suing her.

She says, I spoke very highly of him in multiple ways throughout that conversation. I might be, I guess. She probably thought, hey, I'm complimenting the guy. Yeah, I wouldn't think that I would end up being sued unless there was, like, really bad blood between us. Yeah, I mean, if my ex-wife went on a podcast and said that, A, she would be lying massively, but I would still take it.

What did you say, Ashley, exactly? What do you mean? What you just said? How did I forget so fast? I was focused, actually, because I was focused on what I was going to say to Dana, so it just completely escaped my head. You said something, something. Forget it.

Is I feeling okay? I don't know. I was going to say to Dana, I mean, did your ex-wife? Was she mad at you at all for telling, you know, the Twin Cities that she had a boob job? Immediately after you got divorced? No, I don't think she was upset about that. I remember now, Ashley. You said you are also surprised that the husband would sue the wife over something like this unless there was bad blood.

Yeah, yep, yeah. I bet there was some blood. according to her yeah tears for sure they're blood sweating tears all of the above yeah I didn't know there there'd be

how can you have that much blood from what we've heard yeah I'd put it in my pre-nup if I could go back I'd put it my pre-nup that if my wife and I ever got divorced she had to say that was why I can't imagine it's a lawsuit out Ashley's saying there very likely some tears. Well, she even mentioned that. She did?

Yeah, at the end of the clip. I missed what she said. One good eye, Jesus said, well, just imagine if the rolls were reversed and he went on a podcast to talk about her giant dawn. Maybe she wouldn't like that either. That's different. Yeah. A little different, but yeah.

It's a good point. It reminds me of an old joke. I can't tell anymore. Oh, God sucks. I like this joke, too. It's about female and male genitalia. Oh, darn, I want to hear it. And the varying, and the varying sizes of them.

I'll just give you the punchline, because I can't tell you the whole joke. I don't think, I don't think I can do it anymore. The punchline is, and you can, next time you see me, I'll tell you the whole joke. The punchline is, that's where they held the auction. If that works for you at all, Maybe just a punchline is enough for you.

A video's going around of Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback, Trevor Lawrence. There's a video going around. He's at a bar. I understand the kid has a little bit of a drinking problem. I'm kidding. No, I was going to say good for him. No, I'm kidding. Trevor Lawrence is hanging out at a bar, and a female Jacksonville Jaguars fan squats him.

That's awesome. She's adorable. This is up on 93X.com. And he went along with it. Yeah, why not? It looks like fun. Most of these NFL players are douchebags. How much does he weigh?

I don't know. He's a big guy. A couple hundred. Most of these NFL guys, they don't want you coming anywhere near him, right? But no. He's like 6'6, too. He's tall.

Yeah, Trevor Lawrence is at a bar. Some little short lady said, hey, I'm pretty strong. Can I try to squat you? And he said, yeah. So she picked him up on his shoulders, and she squatted him. That's 220?

I could leg press him, but I can't. I don't know if I could do a squat. Yeah. That's kind of, it always makes me feel good at the gym. I don't know what's up with women in their legs, but they're usually stronger. And so it always makes me feel good. You could leg press 220?

Yeah. It's impressive. When there's a guy on the leg press machine before I go on there, and then when I go over there, I have to add weight to it. I'm like, yeah. You see this, buddy? That's where they held the auction. It worked that time.

You want to know another good punchline, Josh? I can't tell the setup to the joke anymore because of modern rules and regulations. But maybe, again, I'll just try this up. Maybe the punchline is all you need. This is the punchline to another one of my favorite jokes. And then the cat run in the room and Doc, we got a whole new ball game. Other people are texting in punchlines. What do they got?

This is from Super Fat 7XL, Jesus. He says, that's not a flashlight. That's my father-in-law. What? I love it. I love this game. Just the punchline. You just see if it works.

That's a great one. How about this? If he can find my car, we can drive on. of here. Yeah. We're just trying it out, Randy. It's a new bit. You got anything?

It's a brand new bit. I haven't heard your entry into the game. Oh, I'm not even going to try. Wash your damn hands because I want a cheese sandwich. Oh, see, that one we can tell. Yeah, that one is a good one. Yeah, that one we can tell. That's a true story.

I want to hear it. That one. Josh and I went into a cafe one day. And we saw a sign. a little wax board where they advertise their specials, and the sign said, hand jobs, $10, $1,000, cheese sandwich, $5. And we sat down, and the waitress walked over and said, what can I get you?

And Josh said, are you the one who dishes out the hand jobs? And she said, yeah. And Josh said, well, wash your hands, make me a cheese sandwich. Can picture Josh saying that. Yeah. That's about all that's going on. as far as I can tell. Oh, 13.

No, no, that's not the punchline. 14, 14, 14, 14. Oh, these are coming in so fast. I know. There's one that says, and that was the second time I got crabs. Oh. I like this game. Let's try to play this the rest of the day.

It's called Just the Punchline. All you have to do is text in the punchline to one of your favorite jokes, and we'll see if we can have some fun with it. The aristocrats. Oh, that's so good. Yeah. We saw the late great Gilbert Godfrey tell that joke in person. Oh, that must have been so cool.

Oh, it was, and he tells it so well. Oh, you know, I've seen it on video, but it's seen it in person. That's incredible. Randy Shaver, you want another punchline? Sure. Brad Ryder? Sure. It's 20 bucks, just like downtown.

A pair of slippers and a dildo. Hey, that could be our next morning show once we get gas from this operation. Ashley, let's write that down for a podcast title. All right, I will. All right, we'll see you guys later. Sounds good. All right, we'll go back with more punch lines on the Half-Ast Morning Show. The 93X Half-Azed Morning Show.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should, too. An AC-tune-tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get chokeslammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well.

Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki.

He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Full Send Golf.

You guys know how much I really, really love golf, and I think every week would be dope to post on the Golf Channel. I want to get a lot of guests on here. Salaim's going to take a leap. I'm down to be in it. It's not really work to play golf. Join the party on the golf course. I was like, let's go to the range.

So what are we putting on it? We said 10K, right? 10K? All right? We probably bet more than all the other golf channels, right? 10K, 9 holes. Those guys bet for, like, cookies. I feel like I'm going to shank it.

This guy's been trading like a Navy seal when it comes to golf. I'm very, very excited. You excited? Yeah. Bullsen golf. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. The Half-Ass Morning Show. Minnesota's 93X.

Yeah, welcome back to the program. Welcome back to the midweek edition of the 93X Half-Ass Morning Show. Just a punchline. A little game we made up a handful of minutes. ago out of nowhere's. We asked folks to text in their favorite punchline. We probably can't say the setup

out loud on the air anymore. Too many rules. So just send us the punchline and we'll see where it goes. What do you make of these, Josh? Put the potato in the front, stupid. Where were you last week when I hit it into the pussy willows? If the bear knocks me off the roof,

shoot the dog. Oh, you've told that one. That's one of my favorites. I think I can still tell that one. I think so. Is it related to the one that says, yeah, well, the dog didn't want to go hunting either? Are those related? They're similar.

They're similar. Yeah, I'm familiar with that one, too. See if I have this correct. So a guy's got a problem. He's got a bear up on the roof of his cabin. And he sees a number in the yellow pages. bear removal. He calls the number

the guy shows up at his cabin. It's been a long time since I told this joke. I hope I can tell it right. So the guy that shows up, the bear removal guy, he's got a pickup truck. He's got a ladder, a dog, and a shotgun. And the cabin owner says,

well, how does this work? And the bear removal guy says, well, the ladder, I'm going to prop that up against your cabin and crawl up on the roof. you hang on to the shotgun and just let the dog sit down here with you and the guy says what I'm going to do I'm going to crawl up the ladder I'm going to scare that bear off the roof of your cabin and he says the dog is trained to hump the bear so once that bear hits the ground that dog will hump the bear and it'll freak the bear out and the bear will run away and never come back and the cabin owner says well what's the shotgun

gun for. And the guy says, if I come off the roof, shoot the dog. Urinate, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a 10. It's just the punchline is what we're playing here. What about you're telling me, you don't know what a hoboken squat cobbler is? Do you really think I'd wish for a 12-inch pianist? If you think I'm going to fire up this six-row corn picker for a little cobicor You're crazy. And finally, what I have over here is one snatches watches.

It's our first time playing just a punchline. All right. In a radical change of pace, everybody chime in. And this is another situation where we welcome text messages from our glorious listening audience. Everyone chime in. worst pain you've ever experienced. We're going to start with Cubbies on-air partner Dana.

Worst pain you've ever experienced. Gosh, you know, I've been really lucky in my life. I haven't really had any two major mangled myself too much. I guess the two times I've hurt myself the most, I was very intoxicated. So I don't remember what it felt like when I set myself on fire. And I don't remember the pain of when I smash my teeth out, falling in a fountain at the University of Minnesota.

I love that story of you horsing around with your bro, drunk at the U of M, and you fell into a fountain, and ended up spraying bloody chicklets into the fountain. Yeah, we were wrestling in the fountain outside the alumni center. It's a fancy, schmancy place for two 20-year-olds to be drunk and wrestling. Right, and we were there, we were wrestling. I went to spear him. I went to kind of try to tackle him, but I slipped, and my, arms were like, so my arms went like this, you know, kind of like hugging myself.

So I couldn't brace myself and I just smash my teeth right on, right in the fountain. And you have no memory of any pain. No, I mean, no, I really wasn't in pain at the time. I mean, because, you know, we were loaded. We had a number of beers that night. Then the amount of beers that would get you into a fountain wrestling your roommate were 21 years old. Well, like the next day, it wasn't incredibly painful?

It really wasn't that painful, no. Did you go straight to the hospital? No, I just went to bed. I called my parents the next day, and it was one of those were very disappointed in you type phone calls. So then you must have knocked them smooth out. Basically, the front two, the first of the front two are just basically lopped in half. So they didn't fully come out. So I just got caps on the bottom ends of my teeth.

See, that's interesting because I've never had a tooth blasted out of my yap, but plenty of people. I know plenty of people who have on the ice or otherwise. I lost three. Okay, well, then help me out with this. We don't need to dwell on this for 20 minutes, but I'm just curious. Folks who have had full teeth blasted right out of their yappers said, that's not so bad. It's when you crack half of one or a quarter of one,

and then the nerves are sticking up. That's what they say is the real. So what was your deal again, John? I would agree with that. Yeah, mine was like a bike accident. Oh, yeah. I took one came all the way out. And the other two were chipped, like cut in half.

I look like a vampire a little bit. That part was worse, like you said, the nerves. Yeah. So because of your drunkenness on these two dramatic occasions, Dana, you've been lucky. Would you say you've never really felt a great amount of pain for any reason? Well, when I set myself on fire in St. Cloud by sitting on the stove and my hoodie catching on fire, the next morning it really hurt.

Oh. Because, I mean, when you're, especially because I was in St. Cloud, but I was going to the U of M at the time. so I had to drive home. And I had to lean forward the whole time. Yeah. Because your ass was. People thought you were farting the whole way home.

So I'm hunched over and I'm wearing the t-shirt that I wore underneath the hoodie. I'm wearing it and the pole back is burnt out because it kind of looked like a hospital, you know, type of thing. The hospital gown. Yeah, a hospital gown. So your answer to the most pain you've ever experienced would be burned ass cheeks. Burned ass cheeks. Yeah. secondary burns on the back so far i'm checking text here number one it seems like the most i should

say the most common answer has been kidney stones oh yeah i have such a phobia of that i'm worried about that as well weren't we just talking about that earlier yeah yeah oh i don't know i saw a guy past kidney stones here in the radio studio i had the time of my life um next up worst pain you've ever experienced let's go to ashley z uh Mentor Josh. Well, the first thing that comes to mind is listening to a little kid tell a story, which can be incredibly painful, and you're waiting for a point to eventually escape their mouths. Have you had a bad experience recently with a young kid?

Oh, absolutely. Who didn't know how to tell a story? Especially when they're excited because they have to take a lot of breaths in between. And you think, okay, is somebody dying? What is going on here? That's the first thing that comes to mind. But as far as physical pain goes, it was easily falling down a gravel hill using my face, knees, and hands to stop myself. A very steep hill.

What made you fall down a gravel? Skateboarding. I got into that death wobble. My trucks weren't tight enough. And it was just freshly graveled or whatever you call. It's scary. And you just kept rolling? Oh, no.

I sliding. Sliding. Oh, sliding. Yeah, it was terrible. A paved road came to an end? No, it just was a hill that I kept going down. I mean, I just, it seemed like I was never stopping. Oh, I guess I have a, I'm picturing something completely different when you say a gravel road.

Obviously, you can't skateboard on a gravel road. Yeah, it was just like whatever, you know, what is called. Yeah. Put the new little rocks on. Right, right. And so, yeah, I still have scars. I mean, it was, I had no skin left, basically, on certain parts of my body. That was incredibly painful.

Over half of us here in America think we've at least experienced an eight. on a scale of 1 to 10 pain level. Would you say, how would you grade that gravel experience? Well, I mean, for me, it was up there. It was the most pain I'd ever felt. But, you know, you hear so many stories about varying injuries that I could never put it at an 8. You know, like the kidney stone, people are coming in or I was reading a book the other day and they were talking about how much it hurts to get shot, you know, stuff like that.

So I could, or having something cut off. I can't imagine. So Ashley, most folks probably would assume if they haven't already heard your story that maybe the most pain you've ever felt was when you pushed out that baby. But if I remember correctly, you had kind of easy time drugs were in your system kind of a thing. Yeah, I mean, the pain that I felt before, before I got an epidural, that was pretty bad. but I would say the worst pain, the worst pain was during that whole process, but it would be a cervical check. So they just put their hand on up there and check to see where you're at.

And that was probably the worst pain I've ever felt. Oh, really? Yeah. And like it got to the point where when they would say they had to do one, I'd be like, oh, gosh, like, do I really have to? Like, this is so bad. And they were like, oh, well, we'll bring in the ringer. I was like, what's this woman's talent here?

She's got long fingers. Oh. It's funny. I told you guys before when I had a prostate exam, the urologist, he was funny. He was like, don't worry. Well, first thing he said is this is worse for me than it is for you. Yeah. And then he held up his hands.

He's like, look, small fingers. And it was true. He was a little guy. So I appreciated that as well. I understand what you're saying. They brought in the secret weapon. Called in the closer. Yeah.

It's so funny. WNBA, you're a gynecologist here. Cervical check. I was like, you should be the only one that ever does it. Nobody else should be allowed to do them. What do you charge, Josh? For a cervical check? I'm not an expert, so I do it for free.

Just for a learning experience. We're sharing the worst pain we all believe we've ever experienced. Americans were polled on what the hell they've been through. You know, so I was just thinking like more pain stuff? Sometimes it's the things that don't make sense why it hurts so much that is almost more painful. For example, like when I'd landscape getting your finger just barely pinched by a couple of pavers would hurt so bad. And I'm like, you can't show somebody and have them feel bad for you because there's nothing going on, right? Oh, yeah.

You can't tell, but it just hurts so bad for whatever. Nerve-envings. Stubbing your toe on the end of like the coffee table or something. Yeah, nobody's going to feel bad for you. No, no, because you're a dumb ass. You should just, you know, learn how to walk. Yeah, it hurts weirdly powerful. You do that Peter Griffin.

Ah. Yeah. Ah. God, there's nothing that pisses me off more than stubbing my toe. Galstones says RX. Jesus, 10 out of 10 as far as pain, and she said she has a high pain tolerance. Ha ha ha ha. It's by far.

I mean, more and more people are saying kidney stones. I'm terrified of getting kidney stones. Yeah, me too. But I do nothing to prevent them. I think one of the ways is just to stay like, just disgustingly. hydrated. I got another level. I drink more Gatorade than any human in the country.

I drink a lot of water and Gatorade. Okay. If I was to join in on the conversation earlier today, we talked about my night of gastritis or gastroenteritis, whatever it was, that was really bad. Yeah. A guy broke my nose for me. That wasn't so bad. Were you tearing up pretty good?

Yeah. I know I've just gotten hit in the nose before and your eyes start to wind. Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. My lung operation when I was 14 was pretty bad at times, my collapsed lung, which then led to a operation. That probably was the most pain I ever felt. But you know what? I'm not going to eliminate gout. from the conversation.

That's come in a few times via text year. When I was, when I caught gout before I knew what to do about it, ooh, we can that humble a pimp. Unless I'm forgetting something. I would choose one of those options for you, Cubby. Here's another example of something that hurts, and it just doesn't seem like it should be that bad. Steelers fan Jesus did it this morning

walked into the hitch of his truck. Yeah, I've walked into a hitch before and it catches you right there on your shin. Oh, my God, that hurts. I thought of another one, getting tased. I was surprised how much that hurt. It was so invasive. I felt like a sewing machine was going all the way

through my body. And I volunteered twice. Which is one of the dumbest things. We went back and did it again. It was one of those things where it was so powerful and once it was over, there was nothing. As if nothing, there's no real. residual pain, at least in my experience.

Just in the moment pain? Yeah, so I kind of forgot. And it was fun because I got to tell the cop, you know, F you, right? Because he's telling me, hey, let me know when you're ready, and that's the way I alerted him. And again, why did you volunteer for this? Because no one else did. This was part of the Citizens Academy. I was talking about yesterday.

Yesterday at this time, we talked about your adventures at the Citizens Academy. And I didn't want to let the cops down because I could tell they really wanted to tase somebody, you know, giving a demonstration of how safe it is. And, you you know, how effective it is. Why did you want to impress these guys so badly?

Well, here's the thing. I didn't, I wasn't going to volunteer, but nobody else did, and it was so uncomfortable. I'll equate it to the Zoom meetings we used to have around here where nobody would talk and that I'd feel like, okay, I guess I got to say something, take one for the team. Knowing you, that silence, that awkwardness led you to volunteer. Now I understand. That's exactly it. But so they're sick, hey, totally safe.

don't worry about it. We test this kind of thing. We all have to go through it. I'm like, okay, so I get up in front. And the instructor, he points to two cops. He's like, okay, you guys grab his shoulders just to make sure he doesn't fall and crack his head open. And one of the cops refused to be anywhere near me. And I thought, well, wait, how safe is this thing?

He didn't want to be anywhere in the direction of where he might get hit. I can believe that being tased would be a miserable experience. It certainly appears to be when I watch fools get lit up. on cop television shows. Yeah, unless you're on like angel dust or something where they feel no pain. Oh. That was very... Remember that naked guy?

Remember the naked guy on video a few years ago? Ass naked. And pouring sweat. Oh, he was so sweaty. And it wasn't even that hot outside. And they tased him and it didn't slow him down. And he even still had enough in the tank to jump up and smear his genitals on the windshield of the cop car. Even though he got, I can believe that tasing would be pretty bad.

Brando Jesus said his old man and his 57 years of life says being a Vikings fan hurts the most. That's the pain. My prediction for our closing conversation here, just like Mr. T said in the documentary Rocky 3. prediction pain that's what we've been talking about here over the last few minutes the worst pain you ever felt

a lot of text messages came in from our outstanding listening audience on the worst pain they ever felt you know earlier when we were talking personally about our most painful experiences I forgot about my testicular torsion that was pretty bad

a couple people texted in with something similar it felt like a large rhinoceros baby was standing on my testicles and I couldn't shake it. Couldn't shake it. It felt like a large rhinoceros baby was standing on my nuts for about 10 to 12 hours. Yeah, I had something. It wasn't a torsion, but I can't remember.

I always forget the name even though I've had it a couple times. It was like epididymis, epitomititis. I can't remember, but down there, and that pain is, I mean, you can't even walk. You can't move. You can't breathe deep. No, you're right. You're right, all of those things. And you know what?

Other than testicular torsion, you know what the doctors found out, Cubby? What's that? There was a tooth down there. Are you serious? Yeah. I don't have any memory of anyone losing it, but there was a tooth in there. Okay, here are some text messages from our listeners. Most painful experiences they've ever had one dude.

caught a headbutt to the face during a soccer game and it fractured his eye socket for him. He says, I'm not sure what hurt more. My broken face are being mocked by all my friends who said, that's what you get for playing soccer. Oh, my God. I was thinking that exact thing. You thought he had it coming? Yeah.

That's a funny thing. I got a concussion playing soccer, but I never got hurt when I was playing football. Tattoo removal. Oh, I would agree with that. I've heard that's really bad. Getting a tattoo, let's just throw a number on there, Ashley. Two. Yeah.

Removal, that's up. That's an 8, 9, 10. That's a 6-7. That's up there for sure. That's what I hear when you get those silly tattoos, you know, you think they're cute. Then 20 years go by and you look like a jackass. And then you show up for tattoo removal. They say, you might not make it out the shop.

Was that the text from 651 to 715 or Jesus? I don't know. Because he texts that. and said that anyone who's considering a tattoo should be zapped real quick with that laser, just to double check that that's the tattoo they want. And that's a great idea. I was shocked how much that hurt. Here's a text from a gal named Boner Grower She says.

Oh, hello. She makes the boners grow? Yeah. Yeah. A boner inducer. The most pain she ever felt was when her husband dumped bear spray into her face. Oh, I've heard that's awful. What was going on?

What happened there? Why was your... Have you guys ever had pepper spray? Yes. I was maced once just because I was in a crowd of people that were getting maced. It was bad timing. Very uncomfortable. I've heard it's really, really bad.

I wouldn't call it painful. Yeah, I was going to say it wasn't painful. It was tough to breathe. It's debilitating. Yeah, and any fluid in your face just drips out of all your face holes. I mean, that was my experience. But it never really, I can't say it hurt. It was just debilitating is a good word for it.

I'm sorry to this listener, but this cracks me up. I got electrocuted by an extension cord for eight seconds while standing in a puddle of water. Oh, no. That's like what they do to people in Gitmo. That shouldn't happen. That's a long eight seconds. Wrestling dad, Jesus had worst pain ever, broken femur. Any other pain compared to that ain't so bad.

It's the hardest bone to break in your body. Is it really? Yep. Somebody texted it and said they, I love this one. They got out of the shower when they were a kid, slipped, and the curling iron cord was hanging off the counter. So they pulled it down and it ended up burning the underside of his shafted bay. Oh, you poor guy.

How unlucky. My favorite thing about that is I was thinking like, oh, he's going to claim that he tripped and accidentally sat on the curling iron. But no. You said shaft and bag? Yeah. Oh, that's terrible. That's not where you want to curl an iron.

Have you ever touched one of those by accident? Yeah. That hurts. Yeah, I've accidentally got it on the neck a couple times. It's not fun. They run those damn things hot, those curling irons. They sure do. Ashley, did you ever get a hicky and use the excuse?

No, it was a curling iron burn. Yes, yeah, of course. I also had a buddy that his excuse was he got hit by a golf ball. Right in the neck. Never golfed in his life. It says title list down. He's in like the seventh grade. Where are you golfing?

You know, Josh, one day when I was a kid, I spent all friggin' day running that curling iron. And then I looked down and I realized, well, Christ, they're already curling. I spent all day. It was unbelievable. I felt like a damn jackass. You were a kid. What do you know? Here's a guy texted in.

Here's a guy with rules. Oh. He goes by the name of no butthole play Jesus. This guy's got rules. Hey, I'm with you. He once got, what was he doing, playing baseball, and he crashed into the catcher. And his leg snapped and the bone shot out the skin. Oh, that would be crazy to see, though.

And it stabbed into home plate and it took three, four guys to pull him off the plate because his bone was stuck in the home plate. Was he safe? No, he was out by a mile. I bet his former teammates told that story. He blew right past the third base coach was saying, no, no. You're going to break your leg. going to be a compound fracture.

Another listener texted in, Josh. It said, oh, we're talking about the worst pain we've ever experienced. It just happened to me, he says, oh, got paper cut. Oh, those can be stinging. He got a paper cut. This person was being transferred from a gurney to a hospital bed, and the nurse accidentally stepped on the catheter, which was way, quote, up my pee hole. Oh, that made me shiver.

Oh, geez. All right. Terrible. You know what? We're shutting her down. Appreciate you listening. What are we got to do before we go? Just let everybody know if you missed any part of the show.

You can check out the podcast at 93X. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm trying to save your butt here. Is there anything else you'd like to say before we go? Oh, I guess, yeah. Again, I'd like to wish my wife a happy birthday. You're welcome. She's in school now, so she won't hear it.

But she heard the first one. She was very appreciative. How old is she? 41. And she's still in school. You said she's in school. Like is she getting a doctorate? She is currently educating the minds of America's youth on National Passcast.

I was waiting for the state troopers to show up here. She's in school right now, my wife, he says. That's unnerving. Happy birthday, Amber. Happy birthday. Yeah, Mrs. Wessel. Yep. The 93X half-assed morning show.

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