93X Half-Assed Morning Show - A unicycle, a ukulele, and a puppet show

Episode Date: September 17, 2026

Originally Aired  September 17, 2026: When trimming your bush goes terribly wrong. Why is my poop green? Everything you've ever wanted to know about Nick's birthday!   Listen & subscribe to the show on the 93X app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Text the show at 651-551-9393. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Enjoy the show. The 93X.5-assed morning show. 90.3. Hello, and thanks for joining us. I'm Kevin Neelan. Our top story tonight. It appears that happy birthday wishes are in order. We're talking about you, Nick.

Happy birthday. Hi, I'm Rob Lowe. And I want to talk to you about something that is deeply important to me. Your birthday, Nick. You're 55? That's literally the coolest. stage. You are the best. So you deserve the best on your big day. Hi there. My name is Kevin Bacon. And I'm sure you're wondering, what does Kevin Bacon want? Well, Nick, let me tell you. What I want is for

you. That's right, Nick. This one's for you. Cause it's birthday time. Hey, Nick, how you doing? Al here. Hey, it's your birthday. Got to be your birthday. You know, inside of the about it. It's going to be wonderful. Happy birthday. Shooter. Oh, would you put a lid on all that crap? No, you deserve it, pal. Oh, don't get me wrong. I appreciate all that, but it ain't necessary. Welcome to the friggin' 93X-Hafass morning show. Yeah, we're broadcasting live on

my 55th birthday. At this point in life, who cares, right? 55, that's a milestone, don't you think? Well, I got to tell you about that in a minute. See your discounts and stuff. Every birthday is special, Nick. It's another year that you made it a lot. You made it through. You just never know. You're right.

I'll go along with all of that. I will. Ashley's a birthday person. I'm not really a birthday person. You mentioned the discounts. I'm going to get to that in just a minute. But I got to ask you, Covey. How do you go about all that AI stuff?

Right? You want to get into AI? Well, I mean, you got Kevin Bacon, even the recently deceased Dolly Parton got involved. there. How does that all work again? Kevin Neeland. I don't even like Kevin Neeland. Oh, you don't? No, I can't stand the guy. Oh, really? I guess I could see why, but I find him to be pretty funny.

How does that all work again? You're like, punch it into a computer and it's all. Yeah, it's called American, I think it's American Greetings. Let me double check. Oh, yeah. Weird Al was in there. Yeah, and you can send these videos. It's incredible how it works. You can send videos to people for their birthday. Rob F and Lowe. Rob Lowe. You just, I love Rob Lowe. I love Rob Lowe. I love. I love Rob Lowe. Me too.

He's really funny. I've always wanted to knock out that Kevin Neeland, though. Really? You don't like him either? I don't know what it is about him. I want to knock him out. Oh, I'm thinking of Kevin Bacon is where I'm thinking. It's because he's friends with Adam Sandler?

Are they friends? I wouldn't know. Yeah, there are a lot of movies together. I'd like to knock them out. But anyways, you just go to the website, you type in the person's name and age, and then you put it together. It's pretty crazy. But you mentioned, Josh, and now I see the birthday wishes coming in via the text machine. I appreciate that hot cocoa.

Oh, Sheez's. Oh, for Christ's sake. Sparky Jesus. Retired rigor. He's retired. Lucky bastard. That's pretty cool. I'm getting there. Utility locate Jesus, this and that. All the is, I appreciate it. But you just mentioned it, Josh, and it didn't occur to me at all until my wife brought it up last night. Didn't occur to me that hitting 55 years old is more significant than I thought. My wife. let me in on how many businesses like say restaurants and grocery stores and movie theaters and and I don't uh how many of those type of joints offer up discounts and whatnot for folks who are 55 of age and older when I was a grocery transfer technician a K.A. carry out at a grocery store one of my first jobs sure they offered that Tuesdays they offered the

senior discount if you were 55 And I remember looking at those people going, ooh, boy, they are old at 55. Senior day at the Minnesota State Fair. That's for you now. Okay. See, that kind of stuff just didn't occur to me. I mean, a lot of places wait until you're 60.

We were reading about a couple of places that consider you as senior once you hit 62. It depends on the business. But some places now consider someone my age a senior. It blows my mind that I've hit that mark now. But yeah, I am in the eyes of some, a friggin' senior, and I'll happily take advantage of that. I never thought, like, so I was born in 75, and I thought about the year 2025.

I thought, geez, I'll be 50. I'm going to probably be dead right around there. You thought you'd be dead that 50. When I was little, yeah, I thought 50 years old. Because, you know what, they were giving away those old fart balloons and stuff for birthdays when people turned 40. Yeah, over the hill. Yeah, the over-the-hill stuff.

And I remember in the commune I grew up with every time one of the adults hit 40, thinking, geez, they're on their way out. They're going to get a walker. You know, they give you the walker with the horn on it, that kind of stuff. Yeah, I got one of those. Do you have one? Well, when you were hurt? No, no, no.

The Wise-Eat American Legion, we have a gimmick over there many, many years ago. Somebody brought in a cane with a little, horn attached to it so you could, you know, honk people out of your way. There's a rearview mirror, I believe, attached to the cane so you can see behind you. At any rate, this has been going on for years, and it's kind of cool. So members of the Legion and regular drinkers over there, dudes, for whatever reason, it's a dudes-only thing. wasn't my idea, but it's all dudes. Maybe because the women over there don't want to acknowledge when they turn 40 and 50 and things like that, right?

Women are usually a little more pensive about that than men are. So it's all dudes. When you hit 50, you sign that cane and then you pass it on to the next regular drinker or member who is about to hit 50, right? Yeah. So it just trades household to household. You always sign it, sign your name, and then it moves on to the next character down the line. That's fun. I don't know who has it now.

I'm trying to think who would be the next regular or member over there that's to hit 50, but they are in possession of it right now. And on their 50th birthday, they will sign it. So it's kind of cool. You get to see, I mean, some of the names on that cane are now deceased because it's been passed along for so many years. How long has it been around, do you think? I don't remember.

30 years, 35 years something. I've been seeing it. So, yeah, we're all familiar with, you know, all that old-timer gimmick. I did receive some gifts in the mail from a couple listeners, which is quite thoughtful and meaningful, but also there's a touch of creepiness there. In what way? Got a couple of gifts from some listeners. One individual was this, okay, I don't know who's.

sent these on, and maybe this wasn't meant to be a birthday gift, because I don't, I wish I could tell you one way the other. There was no name attached to the gift. And we were very recently talking about the television show, my name is Earl. So maybe this wasn't meant to be a birthday gift, but it showed up in the mail here yesterday to me. And someone sent hundreds of DVDs, all of the episodes of My Name is Earl on DVD. That's awesome. Now here's the problem. I'm not so terribly sure that I still own a DVD player. But that's a very thoughtful gift. I'm a huge fan of that television show. So I don't know if that was a birthday gift or someone just heard us talking about the show and they wanted to get rid of their old DVDs. And then another listener, this one I have a name, Killer Jesus,

sent a gift. First, I think it'd be fitting to read the card that he sent along. on Killer Jesus. He's been a listener for a long time. I'm sure some of you are familiar. In the card, he writes, I hope your birthday is as amazing as the movie Cowboys and Aliens. You do like that movie.

Go out and enjoy the lake life or maybe a round of golf. Happy birthday to a big, strong guy. And that's from Killer Jesus. Yeah, if you don't know the story, I don't know, a good 20, years ago. Whenever the movie Cowboys and Aliens came out, old pal of mine, we were out having some beers and he says to me, I saw a movie last night, Cowboys and Aliens, have you heard

of it? And I said, yeah, I think I might have heard something. He goes, oh my God, that is so frigging good. It was just a right. You got to see it. He's like, I know you're not into sci-fi and all that stuff and this and that, but you got to go see Cowboys and Alien. You got to see it. So I said, okay. He's one of my pals, so I took his word for it. I don't remember if I went to went to the theater or it was something that was already out on HBO or something. But I did quite quickly. He was very urgent in his message. So I quite quickly watched the movie Cowboys and Aliens.

It was one of the dumbest experiences of my life. And the next time I saw that friend, I said, I don't see much of a future for you and I. I said, the fact that you suggested that movie, I said, I don't know if we can continue in this friendship. I saw the trailer for that. And I thought it was a joke like it's an advertisement for peanuts. or something like, you know, it's just like a gimmick. Didn't realize they'd actually make that movie. Killer Jesus also sent a T-shirt.

And, I mean, speaking of all this AI stuff. No, shut off. You got to see this. This is so believable it'll blow your mind. It's a T-shirt. And on the front of the T-shirt, it's an image of Josh and I holding hands while walking through the woods, admiring the foul. How do you say it?

Not foul. Fall? Admiring the fall colors. Dude, that looks so real. It looks like a legit photograph of Josh and I, but it's all this creepy, dangerous AI stuff going on. What's that? Josh should become a converse wear.

And the picture he's wearing converse. It looks nice. I've never owned a pair of converse. I mean, great, great picture. I don't know how he did it, but it really looks like a legitimate photo of Josh and I, hand in hand, admiring the fall. It's very cool. The sun's peeking through the leaves.

It's perfect, isn't it? It's a dream come true. And there's some verbiage here, and the verbiage is simply live, laugh, love. You love those. But I have a question. Don't get me wrong. I love a good t-shirt. And listeners periodically send us t-shirts, and just the fact that you would make that effort does mean a lot.

There's also a touch of creepiness. But why does everyone assume that? were the size of Eddie Murphy in the movie Nutty Professor. That is a very large shirt. Josh and I, we could nap together under this t-shirt. You could have re-roof the Metrodome with that thing. Like my mother says, you can always shrink things in the wash. It's probably going to take you a couple years to shrink that.

This would take a decade to shrink this down. It does look like a backup parachute. My God, killer Jesus. When's the last time you saw me? Is it okay with you guys if I opposed to pick up? sure the shirt on 93x.com. Of course. It's truly remarkable what this guy has done with this t-shirt. That is you and me. And I mean, how did he make it so we're looking up at the leaves together? Yeah, it's cool. I don't have a lot of experience with that stuff. Although I've

never worn Birkenstocks with gray socks. And I haven't worn shorts in a good five, ten years. But, yeah, anyway, thank you, Killer Jesus. And a lot of you are sending in again, the text messages. I appreciate that a lot. And Ashley, you're going to post that photo. Yep. And Cubby got me another bucket of dees nuts. Yeah, I got up some dees nuts. And I got you something else. Of course you did, you docebag. It's the perfect gift for a 55-year-old. Oh, God. That looks heavy. Huge, huge. He's going to break a leg with this. Cubby was told not to get me a birthday gift because what happened, what, two, three months ago? You couldn't hold your mud. Nope. It was going to be your Christmas gift, but we were talking

about ukuleleys and i got too excited right and i already had it a couple months ago we got to talking about ukuleles and you couldn't hold your friggin mud you had to give it to me months ahead of time you planned on giving it to me at christmas so you just recently bought me something extravagant my wife very upset i know she hates the way you give me things all the time um so now i told you not to get me anything but you did any I already had it before you told me not to get you. What do you mean you already had it? I bought it way before you said don't get it.

For me? Yeah. Oh, so that's your excuse. You bought it before we. Yeah, usually like if I get an idea for someone, I'll just get it right away. It's in a huge friggin box here. Very heavy. And now I'm going to look inside.

Oh, lick me down. It's a friggin' unicycle. You know, you're 55. You're learning these new skills. Gills. It seemed like the perfect thing to get a 55. If you think my wife hated you yesterday, a friggin' unicycle, I have always been interested in unicycle.

I know. Buddy mine's got one hanging in his garage. Every time I'm over at his house, I say, you're never going to use that frigging unicycle. Why don't she just let me have it? No, no. The kids might take an interest this or that. He puts some kind of a spin on it. And I always tell them, you're never, it's always just hanging in the garage.

You never do anything with that frigging you. I haven't seen it. I don't need to bother him anymore. No, he got your own. I haven't seen him in a while, but there's a unicycle club or there was in Egan, and I'd see them cruising around quite often in the summers. Do you roll the window down? Dorks!

No, because I knew a couple of them. A couple of them were kids in my oldest class. Oh, okay. This is unbelievable. So there's kids that little kids. Yeah, there are kids that could kick your ass. You're right. Yes, I'd have trouble with the kids.

The adults probably would just feel bad for me. Jesus, I'm going to have to retire early. so that you can spend your day's unicycling? Well, I mean, you could say it that way, but how the hell am I going to have any time for work when I'm busy trying to learn how to play the ukulele and learn how to ride a unicycle? If you could figure out how to combine those two at the same time? Just wait till I do both.

I'll subscribe to your YouTube channel. Just wait until I do both at the same. I'll hit that like by YouTube. That's only fan stuff right there, Josh. I suppose depending on what he's wearing. You charge money for that. Do you have a helmet? Oh, yeah, I got a bicycle helmet.

Just want to make sure. I was looking for a cool one, and I couldn't find one that I thought he'd like. I don't like my bicycle helmet, but it is. It's safe. It's needed. Yeah, I suppose. I don't know what to say, Josh, except you're way too kind. You always have been.

You always will be. Way too kind. Way too giving. Well, I hope you love it. Did you? I just hope I can. I just hope I can get it done. Is there like a local unicycle shop you hit up, or is this an online purchase?

You just go to Eric's bike shop. What do you mean? I was wondering if they like sell unicycles. Oh, you're asking Josh where he got it from. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah. I did buy it online, but I looked. Eric's had some too.

No way. You can get those there. Unbelievable. Well, I hope I can, just like I said when you got me the yuk, I hope I can make it worth all the thought and energy that you put into it. You picked it, picked it up real quick. By the end of the day, I bet you, uh, I'll be taking sweet jumps on this thing.

I'm so excited. These texts are coming in so fast. People are being very nice and sending you lovely birthday messages, it looks like. Somebody said any time they see a unicycle, they roll down the window and ask them to do a wheelie. He's such a dash. Fair enough. Fair enough. Oh, wow.

That's unbelievable. 50 friggin five. It's going to be a hell of a couple of days here now. tomorrow we got the boat party Saturday Iron Maiden in Megadeth yeah you're going to have to chill at Sunday you'll be learning how to ride a unicycle it's going to be a really busy weekend yeah I understand that you know um it's a process but I'm going to give it my best for God's sake oh wow all right your birthday not to make it about me in any sort of way but your birthday always reminds me

that it's my anniversary here starting here at work my very very very very very first day. Yeah, that's right. On your birthday. That's right. Best gift he ever received. Yep. That in the unisage.

And what are you ago now? Eight years. Seems longer. I know. Just kidding. No, it actually feels a lot shorter for me. Does it really? Uh-huh.

I remember that, absolutely. It seems like it would be weird without you. That's an important anniversary. I remember walking in and I was like, oh, this is so exciting. I get to meet Nick and Josh. I've always wanted to meet them. And then on top of that, you guys are like, yeah, it's a next birthday today. I was like, this is so cool.

Eight frigging years. All right. Thanks, everybody. Appreciate that a lot. Oh, cripes. Well, you don't want to hear my old guy problems anymore. Let me fill you in and what the young fellers are up to. Maybe it'll make me feel younger just to tell you about it.

Here's what the young fellas are doing these days to look more masculine. First off, anybody want to guess? I know Josh knows the story. What are the young fellas doing these days? Dana and Ashley, I'll ask you guys to guess. What are the young fellas doing to try and appear more masculine? Getting spray painted or like airbrushed abs. Oh.

That's what I was thinking too, Ashley. Like Chris Jericho. Yeah. Okay. That is a good guess. I think we've heard a little bit of that. and I'm sure some of them are but that's not

exactly where I'm going with this but that's a great guess you ever consider that Josh they call it the Chris Jericho or the 300 abs named after the movie because they all had the sprayed on abs in the movie I never did but I know somebody who did that

for a photo shoot I should say it's a friend of a friend who he did some underwear modeling and they did that This was a long time ago, too. So it's been around for a while. He was kind of a pioneer. Yeah, I don't know whose idea it was.

It is very believable looking. Yeah, especially on camera. I just watched Chris Jericho on television last night, and his spray on abs are still very believable looking. Oh, he still does it? Oh, on and off. When he's playing a heel, of course he does. Oh, so it's a bit.

Well, yeah. Yeah, he does it. That's better that it's a bit. Yeah, I mean, specifically for his occupation, yeah, he knows what he's doing with those sprays. Dana, how do you think, what was I asking everybody? What do you think the boys, the young kids are doing these days to look more masculine? Is it something about manufacturing, that chiseled jaw line that guys talk about a lot? Oh, yeah, mewing?

Is that what that is? I think there's a term for it. I can't remember exactly. I'm going to get into look maxing pretty soon to improve what I got going on. I'm going to get into carrot maxing. All right. Some kind of, well, what is mewing, Josh? I thought it was kind of where you just rub the side of your chin.

I don't know if that's the one that's supposed to help with your jaw line or if there's something else. I remember that now. You play with your... Yeah, young people were doing that. You play with your face a lot and you pull on your cheekbones. Yeah, try and give yourself a little jaw, actually. I think that's the... I guess I could look at it.

Slap yourself in the... Yeah, I think it also has something to do with, like, the placement of your tongue while it's resting in your mouth because it makes it make better. Like, I think if you rest it on, like, the top of your mouth, I believe. They flex their jaws on and off all day long to try to strengthen that. Okay. Great guesses. Let me tell you the answer I was going for. These are the young fellers.

They are shaving their eyelashes for a more masculine look. I have never once in my life looked at my eyelashes. I wouldn't be able to tell you if they're short, long, somewhere's in between. I've never noticed my eyelashes in any of my now 55 years on planet Earth. Well, I will tell you who has probably noticed women. I love men's eyelashes. Well, fair enough.

They're usually beautiful. Yeah, that's great. That's great. Is there anything significant about mine? I've never, do I have them, number one? Yes, you have them. Do I have eyelashes? They're like average.

I've never been like, oh my gosh, those are so long. So, dudes aren't cutting their eyelashes all the way off. It says here in the article, like some men do with their eyebrows. I run that pub trimmer along my eyebrows when I get the chance because... Can get wily. When they get really buck wild, I just look ridiculous. Instead of trimming their eyelashes all the way off, dudes are carefully trimming them short.

There's videos on social media of guys doing this to themselves or having it done at the barbershop or salon. Barbershop even. Yeah, I haven't said that out loud in a while. Barbershop. Yeah, I don't need to do that. Because I don't have to go there anymore.

Did you ever have a barber shave your ears? Yes. I had it once and it freaked me. I thought he missed. And he's like, no, you had some stray hairs grown on your earlobes. I didn't even know that was the thing. Now I'm very very well aware that that's a thing. Yeah.

So that's the deal. Long or curly eyelashes are, I guess, a feminine trait. And there are dudes out there who don't want that. I don't know if I've ever seen a guy with curly eyelashes. I don't think. Or maybe I just don't look close enough. Like I said about my, the same thing that I said about my own will go for anyone else's eyelashes. Never noticed them.

I mean, I noticed the big long fake ones like in a. porno movie or something. You can't help but notice. It looks like you've got a spider I've noticed the fake ones, but I couldn't tell you word one about it. So, you trim them down because you don't want to look too feminine. This is the thing.

As usual, whenever we mention these what are they, beauty trends and this and that, there's always a couple of experts who will step into the mix and say, okay, that's cute and everything, but you've got to be careful.

number one, of course, you could jab yourself in the friggin eyeball with your pub trimmer or something horrible. You could blind yourself. But mostly these experts are saying, look, your eyelashes are not purely cosmetic. They do serve an important function. They protect your eyes from dirt and debris and dead skin cells. And, ooh, Josh, ew, sweat.

Oh, clear blood. Cutting them down to stubs can have, quote, serious health consequences. I wonder if I'd notice if someone had very, very, very short eyelashes. You know what? Let's make this a thing tomorrow night out on the boat. Let's you and I go to each and every listener who's bought a ticket to this Rock the River, each and every one of them that survey their eyelashes and see what they're. they're doing right or what they're doing wrong.

Yeah. Because I've never known. A little eyelash ruler out and have a contest of some sort. But that's a good question. Would we notice if someone didn't have them? Would we notice if they were extra long? I mean, again, not fake, but just extra long. I don't know.

There's nothing I've ever. That's so funny to me that you guys have never, I guess, like, taken notice of that. Nope. Not once. Not yours, not mine, not anybody. I mean, I've noticed if a woman, like you said, has extension, whatever, what do they call them? That's different.

Nash? Yeah. Fake eyelashes? Yeah. Or if they're super dark, right? You could tell that they put mascara on? What, I don't know. What's the stuff that they put on lashes?

Mascara? I don't know. I guess maybe I make a lot of eye contact. I don't know. I've always noticed people's eyelashes. It's one of the things that it's like in the top five things that I'll like compliment people on. Oh, you have beautiful eyelashes.

I love them. They're very long. I certainly notice eye contact and who's capable of it and who isn't. I've certainly noticed eye. but never eyelashes. I'm even bad with eyes. Really? Yeah.

What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? As far as like eye color, somebody would say, hey, what color eyes does this person? Oh, I couldn't tell you what color eyes people have, but I've noticed when someone has attractive eyes.

Yeah. Yeah. What did you say earlier? Someone said look maxing? What is that? Look maxing? Yeah. To be honest, I just see it all the time,

and I'm not 100% sure. I think it's just like trying to look better. Like your absolute best, yeah. Like you're just, yeah, you're trying to make yourself more attractive. Okay. That's what the young kids are doing. The friggin eyebrows, though? Yeah, some of you fellas got to get a hold of those pigs.

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh. And don't get me wrong, I never, never paid any attention until, oh, God, we were probably in our 30s somewhere. and one of my pals walked into the bar and a gal friend we were hanging out with said Jesus, Donnie, you've got to do something about your eyebrows. You know, we're all old friends so we can bust each other's balls. Donnie walks into the bar and this gal said, what are you, a Sasquatch or something?

You know, trim your eyebrows. And that was the first time I ever noticed anybody's eyebrows. It's usually what it takes is a woman telling you like, hey, look at that. And I looked at Donnie and, you know, she was right. They just looked like these big, fat, angry caterpillars. He looked ridiculous. He did. I never would have noticed had she not said anything. So then I went home, looked at myself, and I said, yeah, those some bitches are a little out of control. And that's when I included, that's when I started including my eyebrows in

regular grooming practice. Yeah, a lot of the grooming things for me too. A woman either told me directly or it was from a friend where a woman told them. And they said, hey, did you know you're supposed to do this? Because both of you and I both weren't really taught growing up. Nobody said you got to do this. Not a thing. I was never told a single thing about grooming or what's the fancy term for washing or hygiene. Grooming or hygiene. Our parents just, I guess, were content. They were content with the three of us just being unwashed, filthy dirt children. They never said word one to us about. So yeah, I was taught all of these things like low, and deodorant and shaving and grooming,

I was taught all of these things by girlfriends. Your ex-wife taught me how to shave. Yeah, she taught both of us how to shave. That's hilarious. I was married before I knew how to shave. Wow, that's, wow. And I was like, you've got to be kidding me. I've been doing it wrong.

I had no idea. Yeah, she told me, I told Josh. What are you guys doing? That was wrong. Well, I'll tell you. Because I'm in the bathroom. My first wife, I'm 26 years old. I'm in the bathroom.

She walks in while I'm shaving. And she said, God, dang, what are you doing? Where you go, do you go against the brain? And I said, I'm shaving. What do you, number one, what are you doing in here? Number two, I'm shaving. What do you mean? What am I doing?

And she said, well, you're doing that all wrong. And I said, well, what am I doing? I was like, maybe it was from the television commercials, Josh. I was like hacking away at myself. As fast as possible. Like Edward Scissor hands, when he's just trimming some bushes. Oh, yeah. I covered my face.

Covered my face in shaving a cream and then I would like hack at it. And she said, no, it's like long strokes, you dumb bastard. Nice slow. I said, oh, I didn't know. I didn't know either. Come out of the bathroom just covered in blood. Toilet paper squares all over your face. I thought you cut your face.

I did. I did. I cut myself and I just thought it was part of the game. Well, there's no better way than this. But, you know, it all goes back to how we were raised. You know, I think it wasn't that long ago. I said that there was no human being in the history of the world, more comfortable in his own skin than my dad.

He did not care what anybody thought of his appearance. He was as comfortable the day that he died as the day he was born in his appearance. It never occurred to his appearance. him to alter himself in any way. And I'm one of his children. You know what I mean? So you see what I mean? It was a trickle-down thing.

Port-a-potty poop-pumper Jesus didn't learn how to shave properly until he went into the Marine Corps in 1997. I bet you got his balls busted. And the boys said, what are you doing? Come on, man. We're fighting with you? You can't even shave. This is the best we got.

Somebody pointed out once that I was, growing a unibrow? I don't really grow it anymore, so I used to take care of that. I noticed my unibrow the other day. I've never noticed you had one. You're pretty good at it. I'm just saying, I noticed that it was starting to come in. So, yeah. Mine went away. I jumped on the unibrow thing. Quite a few years ago, you know, take care of that space between your eyebrows so you don't look like a friggin' missing link Neanderthal, you know. Oh, I thought of another one. You had talked about a buddy who grew some hair, like beard hair,

I guess you'd call it, super high up on his face. And I checked there, I'm like, I've got some of that. I never noticed I had that either. You got to right on the high side of your cheeks, boys. Put on your glazes if you have to. And look for those hairs that start growing right under your eyes. Okay, that was... Stop missing those.

That was one of my real true blue hillbilly pals who just lives in the woods. And, you know, when he goes to a wedding or a funeral, he looks like one of the Geico cavemen, you know what I mean? It's like putting a suit on a caveman. It's just, so yeah, we were at a wedding years ago, Josh, and he had shaved clean for the first time in years, but under his eyes, just a full bush under each eye. He didn't catch those ones up on the high cheeks, you know what I mean? And I had to say, go look in the mirror right now.

You look like you should be in an insane asylum. It is weird how high up that can go. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Keep an eye on that. All right, there you go. Grooming tips from two men in their 50s here on the program.

Paul asked, cut grass. Jesus said he's 35. He has yet to shave. What? Well, see, that's a whole different story. Some of you lucky bastards who are as hairless as the day you came out to shoot. Not even once? That's, wow.

I wonder, so I know when I was younger, I couldn't wait, right? It was like you wanted to feel like a man. Like, gosh, I hope I can get a beard. Sure. someday and it took a little while. It's always longer. But it's funny how there are some people who, they're in their late 20s and it's still not coming in.

Or my brother can't grow one very well. He's 49 or 50. One of my oldest pals is as hairless as the day he was born. And it's fun because, you know, he played beer league hockey with us. And periodically during our 25-year beer league hockey career, you know, we would do stupid things, you know, mustache growing and, you know, let's not shave for two months leading up to this out-of-town tournament. So we all look like just homeless bums when we play in this out-of-town tournament.

And it was always fun to have him involved because he would go three months without shaving. And all you would see was just this little shadow under his nose. Just a tiny little. He's like, this is as good as it gets, boys. Lucky son of a bit. Nothing on the chest, legs, ass, nothing. That sounds wonderful. Yeah, from the neck down.

Well, I have like a lot, for whatever reason, my knees down are ridiculous. But outside of that, I've never been able to grow a lot of body here. But like you said, Nick, when you're younger, you're so excited. And then now you just wish, God, what a pain. I hate it. I hate it. Such a pain. I'm jealous of those guys that don't have to do it.

Yeah, that one palomon, he's like one of those little hairless cats. Oh, yeah. Let's give me the hebe-jeebies. This guy would give me the hebe-jeebies, too, if he gave them the time. All right, we've got to get going again. Thank you for all your birthday wishes. I appreciate it very much. We'll check back in here shortly.

We'll get to the Stupid News Report. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up.

Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93X to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer.

Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-L-E-L-L-E-L-L-A-L-L-T-L-E-L-E-L-L-E. The news moves fast, but the truth should not get lost in the chaos. I'm Sean Ferris, host of Sean Ferris Live. Each episode of my show brings you the biggest political stories of the day.

We're grounded in common-sense analysis, a little bit of sharp humor. Now, if you're tired of the spin, the fake news, the phonies, and the losers. And you're ready for informed, entertaining commentary that gets straight to the point you are in the right place. You can watch the show live on Rum, weekdays at 1 p.m. Eastern time and subscribe anywhere you get your podcast. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Appreciate it. I do. I want to thank everybody for their wonderful birthday text messages. They've been coming in hot on the old Luther Bloomington Kia text machine, 6-515.

951.93. You are far too kind. Thank you for the messages. Josh included in these birthday text messages, I received one from, with a happy birthday message. I received a text from Donnie Hogbauer. No way. Owner, operator of Hogbauer Automotive 3rd Avenue and Main Street. I didn't know he listened. Oh yeah. That's great. Oh yeah. They all listened at Hogbauer Automotive. Absolutely. He wished me happy birthday and reminded me that they do offer, I turned 55 years old today, Donnie Hogbauer reminded me that they do offer a 55 and up discount at Hogbauer Automotive. That's wonderful.

How big of a discount are we talking? He didn't give me any details. You can give him a telephone call. They're over at 3rd Avenue and Main Street. Yep. For a guy like me or any of us from this year program, you know, the relationship we have with that shop, I imagine it would be quite a significant discount. Do you mind? Can I use your discount? I need an oil change.

Oh, yeah, though. You don't mind? No, not at all, of course. A few years away from it. You're a few years away from it. From that my own discount, so I got to use yours. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. No, no, you go right ahead. Now, this is perfect timing as we begin today's stupid news report. Perfect timing because we just had a conversation about personal grooming, the adventure, the adventures of personal grooming.

And this will teach you. This is frightening, but true. Sometimes the teeny tini-tiniest little damn thing, something that seems so insignificant, sometimes those little things can up and kill you dead. Or come awfully close to killing you right where you stand. By God, he's. Here's a lady who went ahead and trimmed her bush. And when I say trimmed her bush, yes, I do mean that bush.

And that simple little personal grooming routine had her knocking on death's door. It's weird that something like this could happen. Right, you've heard that don't pop pimples. You could die. Something crazy could happen. Now, is she lying? Maybe. She is an internet influencer. She is a content creator.

And those people are known to stretch the truth from time to time just for the sake of clicks and attention from eighth graders. But I'm going to go ahead and believe her story for now. And I'm basing that decision on the series of pictures of her from a hospital bed. I'm going to take her word for it. Yeah. I mean, sure, she could have fake. The only one that I was kind of curious about is there's one where she's showing some significant underboob, and it seemed like a strange one to post if you're just passing out some information.

I missed, I'll admit, likely because of my accelerated age, I missed the picture of the underboob. That doesn't seem really necessary for her to throw that in there. No, it really doesn't. That's very odd. There's a lot of it there, isn't there? How the hell did I miss the underboob? Well, you were distracted by, I don't know. You're an under-boob, side-boob, top-boob guy.

Yeah, I am. Underbutt, I like that, too. You're like a bird of prey. I have a sick sense for these things. And the under-boob side-boob is your... Okay. It says here, what does this say? She said on the godless internet, she told her story,

she had to be rushed to the hospital after trimming her oversized bushwad. And here's the whole smear. Christy is the name. Christy said, at first, she thought she had nothing more than a big, painful, pus-filled zit on her bikini line. Does she normally get them there? Ashley? I already have so many questions. Please. There was a lump down there. Summers around her privates and it hurt like the dickens.

But after a couple days, that lump had blown smooth up to the size of a monkey fist. And it turned rock hard and it was silly looking. It turned so painful. She couldn't walk. and then the lights went out. She fainted. Oh, my God. Someone tossed Christy into their minivan and drove her to the hospital. When a doctor got a look at that big old cue ball-sized cherry red pimple down there on her cuder, he damn near puked. Dr. Pease told us stories like that before.

Well, we've asked him, you know, you've got to probably have a cast iron stomach to deal with some of the things you see. I mean, wasn't it a boil of some story? It was something like this that got him once. Yeah, that he said was the worst. Yep, it was. He said he was a student at the time. And yeah, he, like, walked into the room and it was a big, like, pus-filled something or other. Yeah, made him pass out or almost.

He said it was awful. One of my past doctors. You know my doctor, right, Josh? Is it Vinny? Vinny Boom-Bats! But this is not Vinny Boombott's. This is one of my past doctors told me a story. I went to visit him for God knows what.

And I'm a setting in the, what do they call it, the doctor's office. Well, you know, in that room, the examination room. That's where I was sitting. And he walked in. I knew this guy quite well. My old doctor, not my current doctor, Vinny Boombox. One of my old doctors, he walked in the room and he had a look on his face. He looked like he had just experienced something.

and it was weird because I had to ask my doctor, are you all right? Circle the face. He had him the circle face thing. Right. He had a look on his face. And I said, are you doing all right? And he said, oh, God. He said, I just had to perform a little procedure.

And yeah, I'm just, it's going to take me a few minutes to get over that one. And I said, well, you know, sorry to hear. that. And he had to tell me. He said, I know this is against the rules, but he said, I'm going to tell you, because I got to tell somebody. He said a lady had come into the joint with a friggin boil on her taint. Oh. And he said it was just a keeper. It was a keeper. And he had to get in there. You know, she's got her feet behind her head. She's plugging her ears with her big toes and he had to get in there and squeeze that thing. Oh my God.

Loose. And he told me he had to put on the splash mask. He put on the spit shield, the splash cage. Icky. And he said that some bitch just went, pooh! And it took him, it was like he had some PTSD there. The whole visit that I had with him, he wasn't all there.

He was still thinking about that splash zone. Poor guy. Poor lady, too. I'm sure she was embarrassed. That must have been so uncomfortable. I've never had a taint issue, thankfully. But I'd imagine that was crazy uncomfortable. You know, here's the good news.

He said, oh yeah, she didn't want to be there. She didn't want to be pointing her taint right in his face. She didn't want to put him through that. The good news is he told me that as soon as all of that garbage, sprayed across the room. God. He said she felt one million times better. I'll bet.

And he put a rag down there and pulled her underwear up for her, you know, and she said, thank you. I feel like a brand new woman. I love you. Nurse practitioner, she just says those butt crack pus pockets are the smelliest and they're awful. Yeah, I bet that's pretty bad. I hope that never happens. Let's get back to this gal now.

She thought she had a pimple down in her drawers, bikini line, they call it. She had trimmed her bush. Once she got to the doctor, I mean, it got painful, it grew to the size of a, like I said, about a cue ball. Once she got to the doctor and he looked in her drawers, he about yacked. The doctor did a couple of blood tests and whatnot, and they diagnosed the gal's name is Christy. diagnosed Christy with sepsis, and we all know what a bitch that can be, sepsis will kill you quicker than a hiccup. Unfortunately, I had a family member who died from that and a girlfriend who nearly died from that.

Yeah, I have some people in my life where it was pretty close. Everybody does. Everybody knows somebody who usually it starts off fairly routine, and it can go downhill. The doctor told Christy that if she hadn't swung by the hospital, with her big old boil in her pants. If she hadn't swung by when she did, she'd be deader than Derringer.

I've had an ingrown hair down there. And, like, I mean, I immediately, like, just because, very small, I mean, smaller than the size of a penny. But, I mean, as soon as you feel any sort of lump down there, I've always been told you going right away. And I was terrified. I thought, oh, my gosh, this tiny. Oh, you mean go into the doctor right away?

Yep, I thought this tiny little lump. I've cancer, this is it, this is how I'm going to die. I have vagina cancer. Oh, vaginal cancer. But, yeah, she said it's a really, really common. I'm going to die, she says. Yep, that lumps are not supposed to be down there. I've always heard they're not supposed to be down there.

Yes, my name is Ashley. I have a 230 appointment. I'm going to die. But she did, she told me they are incredibly, incredibly common, even if you don't use a razor down there even if you're one of those waxing people. Oh, really? It still happened.

I assume that was just all razor-based. Yeah. Here's how this started for Christy now. She said that she had shaved her kitty right down to the screws. And then she took to walking around town on a hot day. She thinks that's what led to the irritation down there.

That's what grew that big old boil. Tight pants, too, tight underwear, tight shorts. That's what grew. that big old boil where her bush once was. At one point or another, before she fainted and went off to the hospital, she reached down into her drawers and she popped to some bitch. And the doctors told her that was a piss poor idea. Do not do that.

That made it worse. I tell you not to. Next thing you know, she's laid out on a gurney being raced into the operating room. It took the doctor an hour to carve out all the infected tissue on her front. But. Oh, I forgot what I was going to mention when I talked about how I've had an ingrown hair down there and much smaller than what she had going on. And that was incredibly painful. And that was barely anything.

But, like, I would just be, like, sitting there and it would hurt. You don't have to do anything. And again, they told her, the doctors told her if she was a little older or had waited a little longer, she would for sure be taking a dirt nap right now. she had to sit for five days recovering there in the hospital. She's got a few scars down there now. Unfortunately, Josh, she's got a few scars down there. They say her vagina now looks like Danny Trejo's face. Oh, no.

Yeah, that's bad. I mean, that seal would be worse, but yeah, Danny Trejo, that's pretty bad. She's taken dope every day to keep the infection away. It's still difficult for her to get around, but she's getting there. one of the nurses who was looking after Christy during this nightmare said that they see a lot of this kind of thing at the hospital and the nurse said that nobody should ever trim they bush she said let it grow out like you saw in your grandpa's old porno magazines

it's not safe the nurse said don't trim it down there I've never heard that before thank you though someone here says she got going on down there someone here says they know everything a woman who, yeah, she's been going for a while. It's a jungle. They can cure something with that. That they know a woman who had a cyst on her labia.

That was the size of a plum. That's possible? I guess so. There's been a lot of labia talk today. Off air. And then now it shows up on air. Off air? Where was I?

Earlier in the morning. Well, you're the one that started the whole talk. Oh, oh, that deal. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did bring up Labia. I do it so often sometimes I forget. Yeah, you know. All right.

Well, that gal was lucky. She was lucky. At first, very unlucky, and then she turned out to be. Yeah, I would think it'd be pretty common if you're using an actual razor down there. You're going to bick the privates. I'd think it would happen more often. It probably does. It's only ever happened once.

Well, the nurse said it happens all the time. Yeah, I mean, I'm just saying I've not. Maybe people just don't bring it up in polite conversation, but I've never seen one where I thought, wow, that's really zitty down there. Nothing like that. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, I guess me and my girlfriends haven't really talked about it. You know, boils and gross things like that? Yeah, I think they happen quite often.

What's the other word I'm looking for? Not a boil, but a cyst. I suppose we covered that too. Anyway, another doctor's office story was a number of years ago. I'm sitting there in the waiting room and in walks one of my old high school buddies. And what's going on there, Donnie? I hadn't seen them in a while, but we're old pals. And he asked me what I'm doing there, and I think I must have been maybe one of those company ordered physicals. And he said, or I asked him, well, what are you doing here?

And he said, oh, it's nothing, no big deal. But I could tell he was holding something back. And I said, well, what is it? No, no, it's nothing. But I could tell he was nervous. And I said, look, dude, I mean, well, we don't know each other. Just tell me what's going on. Now I'm worried about you.

And he said, I got a big friggin boil right on my ass, you know, the anus. Big old boil, right on the. I said like, on the. And he said, yeah, on the. Wow. Yeah. He didn't want to talk about it. I don't blame them.

All right. We certainly get around to tell him a lot of dangerous, reckless driving stories during any given stupid news report. But this here is different because the dickhead wasn't driving a motor vehicle. He was a driving a board. But I think the fastest you've ever gone on a boat is Nick? Well, it wasn't in my boat because my boat wasn't very powerful. But the fastest ever went on a boat, I couldn't tell you,

but it was a cigarette boat, and it beat the piss out of everybody in that. Those fly, right? Don't those go crazy fast? Don't you still love that video where they all go upside down and backwards in that frigging cigarette boat? Oh, that's great. And they're the bald guy. He kind of goes this way, and the gal with the bikini goes the other way. Anyway, this was when I was a kid. I jumped in a cigarette boat. I have no idea how fast we were going, but it beat the living hell out of all of us,

and I never ever wanted to do it again. I've never been anything that fast. Yeah, I'm not a fan of going fast in the boat. Absolutely not. Cubby, it was crazy. It was absolutely crazy. I was not prepared. Lake Minotanka?

Yeah. Here's the deal. In New York, some ass clown at a charity event, no less. Some bitch jumped into his boat. This is like a little charity event. Everyone go out on the lake and your boat and you put around and you raise awareness for this or that. Right? It's meant to be this like serene community gathering.

No one's there to show off. Here comes Dickless. Well, not no one. Jump in his boat. Is this for real? Wouldn't this be a world record? Some bitch jumped into his boat and turn that pig up to 157 miles per hour? Yeah, so I looked up the cigarette boat.

What do they go like a hundred? It says between 70 and 130 or 130 plus. What about those guys we see? on TV that race on television. What are they? Do they hit 150? Do they, this guy went 157 miles per hour in a boat.

I got a buddy who's listening. I know his good friend does. That's the video I showed you guys where he flipped and survived. He was completely fine. What do they go? Maybe he could text in and let us know about how fast they go.

So this 157 mile per hour Jabroni was out on a body of water called the St. Lawrence River in New York. Like I mentioned, it's a charity event. When he hit the turbo blasters, he went shooting across the water. Like he's got a kidney and a cooler, and he's making a delivery to the emergency room.

He's just flying. Absolutely. I mean, like a bat, smooth out of hell. New guys in the corner of the boat puking his guts out. And again, this was just a cute little boating charity event, like Dana said. This is not a race. But Captain Try Hard.

couldn't help himself. He's got to show everybody the true size of his genitalia. It scared the hell out of everybody who was involved in this event. You do see that every once in a while. There's going to be a guy like a charity sporting event or something like that. Someone wants to show you that they could have qualified for a draft. Yeah. It said that at a roller skating event. Roller skating. One dad, and this is just little kids. One dad wanted to show everyone how good he was at roller skating. Oh, no. It was worse than the hell at. Hal was an incredible roller skater on Malcolm in the middle.

But this particular guy, he's weaving in and out of kids. So he's roller dancing or just roller skating? A little of both, mostly roller skating, but, you know, he'd throw in some flare every once in a while. It says here this dude was in a 50-foot catamaran turbo engines, and they say, again, 157 miles per hour. It takes two people to drive the boat, one of those deals. The driver man was arrested for reckless operation. He later talked to the local papers or whoever. And he said he's very sorry.

He didn't mean to disrupt a wonderful community event. This annual event raises money for the Make a Wish Foundation. This stupid idiot going that fast, they're lucky they didn't. I mean, he's lucky. He didn't cause a few more kids to need the Make a Wish Foundation. Right, raising money for a new wheelchairs. Yeah, because now they're legless after being caught in the prop of a 157 mile per hour speedboat driven by a pack of dildos.

All right, so I got an answer. My buddy texted in and said that video I showed you again where they were flipping. the boat when they're racing, they were at a 213 miles per hour. Dude, I had no clue. Can you imagine? I thought even though some bitches we see on TV were going about 150 or something like that. Jesus Christ. I wonder how fast we can get our Rock the River boat going tomorrow.

Let's see if we can just open up the throttle and go for it. You want to get into the cockpit there and tell the captain to pin it? I mean, you go right ahead. Yeah, I don't know about that 157 miles per hour. Yeah, no, thank you. All right, we ran out of frigging time. Six-by-one, five-five-one, ninety-three. Sports.

On the 93-X half-assed morning show. Oh, sure. We got a little bit of this, a little bit of that. 730 Randy Shaver will be here, and we can really go buck wild. Lots going on. Good and bad. Some sad news today. Sad news.

We'll cover that later. I don't want to get into it now. I'm going to friggin' crack. I know it. So there's good and bad we can talk to Randy Schaever about in a half hour. For now, I'll just tell you the twins were able to beat the douchebag New York Yankees in 13. How do you say it, Josh? 13 innings yesterday.

They won by a final of 5 to 4. Okay. Twins beat the Yankees. They did split the season series with the Yankees. That's cool. Yeah. Silver lining. It's kind of a start.

That's a good start. I mean, yes, in the last 25 seasons. The Yankees are 130 and 49 against the twins over the last 15 and 2 in the postseason. But this baseball season, 20 and 26, split the season series. 500, baby. That'll get you into the playoffs if you were only playing the Yankees. Maybe the division was just you and maybe then they would get into the. They start a four-game series in Anaheim, California tonight.

Thursday night football, the Detroit Lions and the Buffalo Bills play tonight. and we were talking about boats, fast boats. We had a story in the stupid news report about some friggin Pindick decided to go 157 miles per hour in his boat, and some of his might be saying, well, what's wrong with that? Well, he did it on a river at a charity event with all kinds of families kind of putting around in pontoons. It was just like a little gathering of boats,

a real comb kind of a thing, and then guy comes through with the 157, scares the hell out of everybody in town. The cops had to give him a ticket. That's what we were talking about. So we were talking about boats. And we received the text message from the most disgruntled and unhappy fishing guide in all the land. Yes.

I love hearing from Baudet fishing guide Jesus. Me too. There was a time when he was kind of an upbeat character. But he's had enough. He's had enough of his career as a fishing guide. And he just, he hates every single. He texted in this, Josh, about boats. and particularly speed.

He said, I like to drive my boats as slow as possible to create less actual time fishing. He's done it all. He's tired of it. He also says, I pretend I can't hear my customers. That's an heaven room back there. Can't hear a thing over it.

Got a lot of horsepower back there. Can't hear you. Beautiful. You're listening to the radio. The 93X half-assed morning show. I have to be really careful about how I react to it or to not show a reaction because this person might be watching me. And that really creeped me out.

A California woman just wanted faster internet. What she got instead was an unfortunate lesson in why you should never hand your phone to a stranger, even one wearing a company polo because they likely want to see you as naked as I'm picturing you right now. A routine home internet installation turned into a privacy nightmare for a California woman when a Wi-Fi technician

secretly texted himself an intimate video from her phone. Wow. According to investigators, 37-year-old Edward Gray McCannan, showed up at the victim's home in August to install her internet service. He was working at the time as a contractor for a company

formerly branded as Google Fiber. Once the installation was finished, he asked to borrow her phone, telling her he just needed to run a connectivity test. What followed was a nearly 15 minutes of alone time with her device out of her line of sight. Oh, all right. My first thought was how long did he have with her phone? Like, are these just easily accessible? But that makes sense now.

During those missing minutes, he wasn't boosting bandwidth. He was violating boundaries. Authorities said that Gray McCannan hunted down a sexually explicit vision. the woman was nice enough to send to her partner and then forwarded it to his own number via I message. To cover his tracks, the Wi-Fi worker deleted the outgoing tax smartphone's message history, then headed home to buffer his hotspot. The plan almost worked. Weeks passed before the woman opened her iPad and noticed something odd sitting in her synced message history. The very text he thought he'd erased. She traced that unfamiliar number back to the technician who'd been

in her home, then filed a police report last week. A police report. Now investigators are worried this wasn't a one-time incident. The suspect may have pulled the same move in other customers' homes, and they're working to find out if there are more victims. Yeah, that's... Yeah, there's no way this is a one-time incident. I can't imagine.

That's cheap. It is. That's a cheap move. Grow us. Here's something Google's better known for, being the world's leading source for asking questions we don't want to ask another human being. For example, Google searches for, why is my poop green,

peak between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m., and then again, between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. Do you got an answer for that? I'm sure, I mean, I don't need to worry about it, but maybe there's some people listening that need to know the answer to that. Google. Okay.

You Google that. A California golden retriever apparently missed the memo on the whole guard dog thing. The 90-pound pooch named, Nash had an unexpectedly friendly reaction when a stranger broke into his family San Diego home. Typical golden retriever. He repeatedly brought the intruder toys, seemingly trying to turn the bizarre break in into playtime. That means they like you quite a bit.

Yeah, oh boy. Yeah, he definitely liked this guy. When they show you their favorite toy, that means they love you. The unusual encounter unfolded earlier this month in Sherman Heights, a neighborhood just east of downtown San Diego, while homeowner Dante Rowley and his family watched the surreal scene play out remotely through their home security app. The intruder got in by propping a ladder against the house

and climbing through an open second-story window. Once inside, he made himself at home. He kicked off his shoes, peeled off his shirt, plop down on a bench in the foyer, and raided the fridge for yogurt, turkey, and cheese. He even squeezed in a nap during the roughly 30 minutes he spent in the house. But he had company...

Squeezed in a nap in 30 minutes? Yeah, he took a nap. It's not a nap. What a rookie. I could do 30 minutes. Yeah, you're doing it wrong. Doing it wrong. Two of the family's three dogs were home, including Nash, their four-year-old Golden,

who took one look at the unexpected house guest and decided he found a new best friend. Nash was not the greatest guard dog. We thought that he was going to be barking at people, and he did the exact opposite. That might be putting it mildly. Nash can be seen in security video repeatedly approaching the stranger with toy in his mouth, apparently hoping to get a game going. Not once, not twice, but thrice. The goofy Golden's hospitality quickly became a hit on social media, with viewers split on whether the whole thing was terrifying or just plain adorable. He just wanted to make sure that the toy

wasn't taken, ha-ha, one person joked. This is both scary and wholesome all at the same time, another wrote. Well, if you didn't already know he's a good boy, now you do, a third chimed in. Nash apparently didn't discriminate when it came to making new friends either. When police eventually arrived, the tail wagging pup greeted officers at the door the exact same way he did the intruder, toy in mouth, and ready to play. The intruder, meanwhile, wasn't quite as eager to meet the cops. He attempted to make a getaway through a bathroom window, only to find officers already awaiting for him in the backyard. That's cute because so many of us have this weird fantasy that our dogs are so fiercely loyal to us when a lot. lot of them really are not.

Just somebody that's there and ready to play. They'll just take anybody. I mean, they like us right now because we're the ones who feed them and shelter them and show them attention now and again, but they will easily, easily flip-flop on you. Did you ever do that with a dog? Did you ever test how they'd react to an intruder or a fight or anything like that? No. We used to do that with our old Springer Spaniel, the best girl in the whole world, Megan Marie.

We would fake fights to see how she would react, and she would get uppity, and she would kind of dive in between the two combatants to try to break it up, which I thought was kind of impressive. And then we also did the whole fake break-in where, you know, I would tell a friend just to, you know, walk in the house, I'll leave the door unlocked, you know, and see how she reacts. And just for fun, this wasn't anything serious. Like I was really curious about, you know, what the hell do I care?

This was just, you know, teenage kids having fun. And they told me that she barked, but very quickly changed her tune and sought attention from the supposed intruder. So you think that they love you, you think that they're loyal to you, but they're very flexible on that subject. Very flexible. That's why I have three because I thought, all right, at least one of them will be useful. Yeah, and one of them, I know what one will go down with me. The other two are going to say peace out. They're not going to get involved.

Yeah, they don't have time for that. They want treats and water and to go potty. Here's your pet-related fun fact. Today is National Pet Bird Day, started by the Bird Enjoyment and Advantage Coalition, Coalition with a K, so it spells beak. National Pet Bird Day is dedicated to sharing the joy of pet birds and teach people how to care for them responsibly. But you already do that since they won't stop tweeting about it. Beak. A Minnetonka police officers recovering after a fast-moving driver slammed into the back of their squad car over the weekend.

The officer was sitting inside the vehicle after pulling someone over when the crash happened. The department released video of the crash on Monday and judging by the sound of it, it was a pretty serious reminder to pay attention behind the wheel. I forget, Ashley, did I send this to you? I don't think so. How fast was this peckerhead going when he rearended the cop? Don't know. I mean, it was tough to tell.

You just see the camera facing, you know, where the perp would be in the back of the squad. Sure. So you don't see a lot of it beforehand, other than just the last second where it crashed. It created a hell of a racket. It did. Yeah. It looked bad. Police haven't said where the crash happened, whether anyone in the other vehicle was heard

or whether the driver was cited or arrested. They did have a reminder for drivers, though. If you see an emergency vehicle on the side of the road, move over. It's Minnesota law. Police posted. The department didn't elaborate on how badly the officer was hurt. If the Minnetonka PD or the officer's family is listening, we hope they make a quick recovery, obviously.

That looked like it could have been pretty bad. Wasn't it just recently, I want to say, in the last year where they made it a law where if there's somebody that isn't an emergency vehicle pulled over on the side of the road, that you're supposed to get over to the best of your ability? Yeah, within the last couple years, you're right. I don't know if I heard that one. I see people not getting over when they have room to. I'm like, come on.

I'm like, they're out of their car trying to change a tire. You don't need to drive going 70 right next to them. MSP just won bragging rights again, pulling off a rare high-altitude hat trick. For the third year running, Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport's been named the best mega airport in North America. We always win the lamest awards. In J.D. Powers annual North America. America Airport Satisfaction Study. What else? Do we have great parks?

Yeah, we do. Yeah, we usually have great parks. Yesterday we learned, or this week at some point, we learned... We're one of the happiest states. Are we happy? Are we happy? It doesn't tell like everyone in this room is. No Super Bowls, no Stanley Cups,

but we got bike paths and a nice airport. You know what? I'm not mad about that. It's so dumb. I enjoy both of those things. I want a cup. Well, forget it then. I thought it was cool, Josh. We don't have to. We don't have to.

F the airport. I want a World Series parade. Yeah, well, we, yeah, we'll have to get another one. It might be a while. Well, but that's what truly matters, Josh. Yeah, I understand. Now, keep in mind. The success of our local professional sports clubs.

Collegiate, too. I'll count collegiate, too. I've never argued. I want to go to the final four. I don't care about your parks. We've got the links. I don't care if the kids are learning anything. Because we always owe, we have great education.

No one cares. Final four, baby. Currently ranked as the nation's 17th, busiest airport. Take me to the final four. Going to get some more upgrades at Terminal 1, new gates. I think of another Chili's? NBA finals. Modernized restrooms to hook up with international randos,

elevated concessions options as well. What about randos? If you want to hook up with some randos, they're going to get some new baths. room's there for you. All right. This subject is picking up a little bit. Oh, I wonder if they'll get those baby changing stations that are like, they like self-clean themselves.

Those are really cool. They're in airports around the country. Never even heard of such a thing. I'm excited. Until we get a title, nothing matters around here. Just shut the airport down until we get a title. No more traveling. Well, you know what?

When the links win the WNBA final here in a couple of months, then I'll listen to these stories, Josh, then I will. Until then, I hear, I think it's okay to be happy about other stuff until we get that. It's not okay. Just to keep it going? What are we keeping going? We've got to keep it going. Today on Netflix,

the fourth season of Ryan Murphy and Ian Brennan's Emmy winning anthology, Monster. This time around, Monster the Lizzie Borden story. Ooh, the Lizzie Borden story. The latest installment, now streaming on the big red end. Trapped in a cruel

Victorian era household, Lizzie Borden, kills her parents in a gory axe murder that shocks the nation. Critics say a show about real serial killers shouldn't be marketed like it's the MCU. What is it? MCU. Marvel Cinematic Universe. The anthology dramatizes real serial killers, including Jeffrey Dahmer, the Menendez brothers, Ed Gien, and now Lizzie Borden, and Netflix has been promoting it with the same

splashy franchise-style marketing, which is drawing criticism for glamorizing violent crimes. I can understand that. Yeah, definitely because if, you know, God forbid, some terrible evil person out there that watches these or sees these, it's like, that's what I want to do. Like, that's the whole bit, right? They want to be famous. They want to be a household name.

I mean, I've been, I don't want to say a fan, but I've been intrigued by the Lizzie Borden story since I was a kid. But I understand how folks might be a little sensitive to the whole, thing. Yeah, the criticism is that there's plenty of true crime series that probe the psychology behind the crimes, but they say monster, this monster

series packages the killers as entertainment properties or some sort of superhero. Yeah, I hear you. I get it, yep. You know, I get a little pissed off now and again when I see dorks walking around town with their Charles Manson T-shirt. You know, blow me.

I hate that. I do hate that, angle. Guys that just walk around with it. Like, what? This is a guy you want on your t-shirt? Right. Anyway, Lizzie Borden, again, underrated Hard Rock Act in the 80s. I'm going to agree with that. Under-eff-and-rated. We'll have to listen to some after the show. I would love that. Or during the commercials. Sure, sure.

Or when we win a cup. That could be our celebration. Take the world by storm. No, that was Slave Rader. What the hell was the, I'll be with you in a minute here. Finally tonight. Me Against the World. That could be, yeah, that was Lizzie Borden, me against a world, that could be a great rally song for one of our ball clubs, Josh.

Definitely. Yeah. That'd be awesome. Finally, tonight on Prime Video, the Buffalo Bills, host the Detroit Lions at Highmark Stadium for the 20th season premiere of Thursday night football. Speaking of football, birthdays today, Kansas City Chiefs QB, Patrick Mahomes, 31.

Barf. The world's greatest human beatbox, Doug E. Fresh, 60 today. Doug E. Fresh. The mistress of the dark who bricked up a lot of us growing up Elvira 75. You would feel. You felt funny when you looked at Elvira and you didn't know why you felt so funny. Before I even know what that feeling was, she gave me that feeling still to this day.

I don't know what it is about her because she's kind of evil. She's hot, everything. I think it's the boobs. That's a big part of it. Yeah, I think so. That is a big, big part of it. They are big and she likes to show them off. Happy birthday to my number one favorite twins in the whole world, my best friend in the whole world, Nick.

Oh, my goodness. And his beefcake twin brother, Steve. My second favorite twins in the whole world belong to Alvira, if they're not. Happy birthday to Bizzle. Happy 50th to Amanda from Sticky Situation, Jesus. Happy birthday to Liam, turn it 16 today. Good luck on your driver's test next month from Uber driver's uncle Jesus. Happy 11th to Blake from dad, Peter built Jesus.

birthday to Sugar Nuts Jesus, now in his 40s from Sugar T's Cheeses. Happy 49th to Glenn. And Moose Nuts Jesus checks in on the Luther Kia Bloomington text line's new number. With a shout out to his best friend Luke getting married this weekend. And that's 93X News. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here.

I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93X to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standardheating.com.

Randy Shaver here, if you're dealing with a work-related injury and need someone to fight for you, then Dave Bialky's your guy. This is his specialty with over 30 years of experience in helping the working person get compensated for work-related injuries. Even if your injury was years ago, don't wait. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. You want Dave on your side.

The leave is where football lives. From the biggest rivalries conference showdowns to every game-changing moment, Believe is where football lives. With more than 500 shows covering NCAA football and the NFL across every major podcast platform, Believe brings you closer to the voices, teams, and stories you love. This season, there's only one network you need to believe in. Believe in the game.

Believe Network. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Andy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. Hello, and thanks for joining us. I'm Kevin Nealyn. Our top story tonight. It appears that happy birthday wishes are in order.

We're talking about you, Nick. Happy birthday. Hi, I'm Rob Lowe, and I want to talk to you about something that is deeply important to me. Your birthday, Nick, you're 55? That's literally the coolest age. You are the best. So you deserve the best on your big day. Hi there.

My name is Kevin Bacon. And I'm sure you're wondering, what does Kevin Baker? What? Well, Nick, let me tell you. What I want is for you. That's right, Nick. This one's for you. Cause it's birthday time.

Hey, Nick, how you doing? Al here. Hey, it's your birthday. Got to be your birthday. You know what I was told? It's going to be wonderful. Happy birthday. Showtime.

Did you hear that, Randy Shaber? Unbelievable. All those 55 powerful, Unbelievable. Influential. powerful celebrities wishing me a happy birthday. Rob L. Weird Al Yankovic, Kevin's Bacon. Even Dolly Parton was able to squeeze in a birthday wish for me before she checked out. She insisted.

Can I tell you what Josh got me for my birthday? Or maybe Randy should have to guess what Josh. And he's in trouble for this, in trouble with me and trouble with my wife. He gives too many gifts. He's far too giving in general, especially holidays, birthdays. My wife is upset at Josh. And she's also upset with me for the same reason, roughly. Doesn't she always tell you, Josh? She says, stop giving him gifts because he never returns the favor. She says that, but I don't want the favor return. You know that.

I wouldn't like it. Randy Schaeber, I'll let you guess what Josh got me for my birthday. And then you can also guess how much time I have left on planet. Once you learn what the gift is, then you can tell me, much time I have left. I'll give you a hint. It's a form of transportation. Oh, I was going to say he gave you what you guys

think Kirk Cousins has, and that's the rocks where you take one out. The death rocks. A scooter? Oh, that's a good guess. You're awful close. Think more old-timey. A rocking

chair? I love rocking chairs. That would be fitting, but not exactly a form of transportation. You're very close when you say something. Can I give a hint? Give a hint. It's a form of transportation that one of Nick's all-time favorite performers uses. A unicycle.

He nailed it. You're the white panda. The white panda. Oh, I completely, I didn't know who you were referring to, but yes, the red panda. My lady. You gave Nick a unicycle. He did. He always wanted a unicycle. You will break your arm a week into using that. One week he gives me. I give you 10 minutes before I go to the hospital. One week.

Yeah, maybe someday we can have the Red Panda in studio once I've learned and I've mastered the unicycle and she and I can do a little duet. That'd be great. Some synchronized unicycling. Maybe she could give you a lesson or two. I would love that. Oh, my damn. Yeah, but you know what the lazy prick didn't put? it together. It's in a box over here. I thought about putting it together. It's in pieces. I wanted it to be a surprise. Have you opened it up, you know? I got myself a unicycle, Randy Schaeber. I have been, I have shown interest in that vehicle over the years. The guy listens. He does, which is a blessing and a curse. He listened over the years and heard me talk about ukuleleys, some bitch bought me one of those.

You heard me talk about unicycles? I got one sitting behind me right now. Thanks, Cubby. Yeah, there's plenty of things I've heard you talk about that would be a good gift idea. Yeah. There's that double-ended thing you've been talking about. I was going to say. I even know where to get one of those.

There's a lot of things he's talked about. I'm not sure you want to get those for it. The one that's made out of ice? That's the one. Yeah. Yeah, and thank you to all of our listening audience who've been texting in. Happy birthday wishes. You're far too kind, for Christ's sake.

I now, Randy Shaver, we were discussing this earlier. You know, you're old enough to live in my neighborhood now, Nick. That's exactly where I was going with this. I've always wanted to live in one of those. You are old enough as of today to live in my neighborhood. Right, the old folks community. That's right. That's exactly where I was going with this.

Last night, hanging around with the wife, she said something like, so how do you feel on your final day of being 54 years old? And I said, you know, it ain't no thing but a chicken wing on a string from. And then she opened up her cell phone. and started listing all of the businesses, restaurants, movie theaters, grocery stores, all of these different companies who provide a senior discount once you hit 55 years old. And we did talk about senior living for a brief minute or two. You guys are thinking about it?

It's come up in conversation before. Yeah. Maybe one day, Randy, you and I will be neighbors. Oh, wouldn't that be special? That would be cute. Wouldn't that be special? That's right. Our wives would just become drunks, I think, if they spent...

Oh, and they live that close? If they lived that close to each other, they'd be... If they're within walking distance, that's dangerous. Yeah, just cleaning out bottles of wine like they were... But, Nick, you'd fit right in here. We've got a swimming pool, indoor and out. We have six pickleball courts. We've got a big party room.

We've got everything that you could ever need. How are the neighbors? Are they more picky in a place like that? Very sweet. Nothing like that. No, everybody's very sweet. I was going to say I might need someone to accompany me to the swimming pool because I'm not a great swimmer.

Then I remembered who I'm talking to. You're probably not a big fan of water either. I'm not. No. Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. But yeah, oh, dude, I mean, the idea living in some old folks community where everyone's on a golf cart and you're swapping partners and the whole thing. No, no, that's Florida. Oh, just in Florida.

Your friendly neighborhood garbage man, Jesus brings up a good point. Would Nick pass the background check to get into Randy's neighborhood? My record is clean. I never got caught. Is that what you mean? Like by background check? Yeah. I never been caught.

Do they do something like that? in the neighborhood? Randy? I don't think so. I would think that you probably couldn't do that, but maybe you can't. I got some buddies who have no chance. But my record is clean as a whistle.

And the whistles, what do they do, Judge? They go woo. They go woo. Woo. That's only in the morning. Here's the deal, Randy. We got plenty to cover today. I want to get the bad news out of the way.

And this just broke my heart last night. When I read about Randy Peterson, one of my favorite sports television personalities. Randy Peterson, all-time great PBA bowler, and for the last 20-some years, I don't think I've watched a bowling tournament on television that Randy Peterson wasn't involved in. Even for casual bowling fans like myself,

or if it's on, I'll watch it. I knew who he was. And then he was in Kingpin, right? Oh, I didn't know he was in Kingpin. I thought he was one of the bowlers in Kingpin. Oh, really? I never noticed that. just such a wonderful television personality with a great sense of humor and just one of the best.

He's dead at 64 years old. And I don't know what happened. I've heard terrible rumors. But they're just rumors. They said suddenly there was no known health issue that he had. He brought so much. You guys know that I love to watch bowling on television. and he brought so much to that experience.

And I am just, I was absolutely shocked, and I am so sad for the family and friends of Randy Peterson. There's a moment that's kind of going around online now from a tournament of champions in 2005. He needs a strike, right, for a tie. And there was somebody in the audience that was distracting him in one way or the other, and he kind of goes after him a little bit.

He's done well in this lane. Still. Someone's moving or clicking a camera. Young man in the yellow, I see you. Okay, buddy. Just perfectly still like a little statue. Unbelievable, Randy is maintaining his composure here. And instructing the fans.

His career on the line. Get it, Randy. Seven pin. Thanks, dude. He leaves the seven pin. That was great. Hey, good job up there. I see you.

Good job up there. A lot of class, pal. A lot of class, pal. 25 years in the business of calling PBA tournaments. Hall of Famer as a player, as a bowler. F me running. It's too bad. Josh reminded me before we went on the air, you know,

that Randy Peterson was known for, you know, little funny catchphrases that he would use periodically. when a guy or a gal would pick up a nasty spare or something. Randy Peterson would say that was filthier than a truck stop restroom. Winner, winter, chicken dinner was I think maybe the one that most bowling fans know that Randy always would cough that up. He was just a, it was such a great experience watching him. Sometimes, Covey, when the lane was a little too oil.

Really? Randy Peterson would say it's wetter than an otter's pocket out there. That's good. An otter's pocket. I'm sad. So if anyone out there knows Randy and his family, we'll miss him. That guy was the best in the business. F me. All right.

Tonight, Thursday night football, Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills. The guy that's good. Dana. I'm excited. This is your night. First night of the new stadium. Yes. It's going to mean nobody doing anything in Buffalo tomorrow.

The entire town will be hungover. Well, what is the deal with this new stadium? Does it have a lid on it? No, it does not. It's open air. Oh, it does not have a lid on it. But they got the technology that kind of blocks wind and covers the seats from rain and snow, I guess. So some overhangs?

Yes. So kind of like what they have in, what do they call that town, Los Angeles. Mm-hmm. Okay, so there's somewhat of a lid on it. Yeah. Okay. Detroit Lions Buffalo Bills. Yeah, that guy that's going to face.

Dale Dana again this football season. Buffalo Bill's quarterback Josh Allen. It appears that he's afraid of spiders. He really got startled by that thing. It wasn't very big either. Very distracted. Josh is afraid of spiders. I don't like them.

They creep me out. I saw a video, a video went around. You know how they do. Josh Allen is sitting at a table in front of the media and they're asking him repetitive questions about football and whatnot. And a spider appears on the table. And you could tell it made him nervous. It's a spider.

I don't like that. Yeah, he can feel a vibe and sometimes when guys are feeling a certain. Yeah, he lost his train of thought. He's staring this thing down. The silences. He tries to get it going a couple times and he can't. Someone had asked him a question about a coach or something stupid. He spots the spider.

You heard him say that he doesn't like that. totally loses his train of thought. He begins to tap his fingers. You can tell he's a little nervous. He sits a little further back in his chair. He's trying to create some space between himself and this spider. It wasn't a very big spider. But if you don't like spiders, it don't matter.

You want to get away. And you can tell when it was time for his little press conference to end, he couldn't have been happier to get the hell out of there. Oh, it was like he was rushing out of the pocket with a couple blitzers chasing him. yeah he don't like spiders he was not a fan all right Kyler murrah

probably won't play Sunday in Chicago and also the Vikings are dealing with running back is how you say it running back issues what's this kid's name again Mason oh Jordan Mason's already on the

I are I mean that's just we're one game in and already the Vikings running back room is thinner and less experienced. You're right. Jordan Mason has a thumb injury. It's a fracture. They say he's going to miss at least a month.

That's awful. And like you said, they just got started. So they still have Aaron Jones, but they called in a couple of guys. Listen to this guy, Josh. The Vikings upped and signed a running back that sounds more like a porn star or a professional poker player.

The kid goes by the name of DJ D.J. That's cool. DJ Dallas. He actually was on the roster last week. Oh. He actually was active on the roster last week. I'm not playing blackjack against that dude. I think the bigger move is going to be DeMond Claiborne, which is the rookie that they drafted.

There's a lot of people that think that this kid could end up being the running back of the near-fearing. future for the Vikings. All right. You're right about DJ Dells. That's one of the three rules that the coach from Teen Wolf had. One of them was never play cards with a guy who has the same name as a city. The coach from Teen Wolf, that actor, puts on one of the best performances in the history of Hollywood in that movie. I have been a fan of that character.

That character is so underrated. His other two rules never get less than 12 hours of sleep and never go near a lady who's got a tattoo of a dagger on her body. That's exactly right. If you never appreciated the actor and the character who plays the basketball coach on Teen Wolf, take another look at that movie. That dude's got a skill set. I'm glad that you brought him up because he deserved better, that guy.

All right, a lot of folks poke fun at the Las Vegas Raiders for obvious reasons. But before you make your next smart-ass comment, you should know that according to something I read yesterday, the Raiders ballpark is the only one in the entire national football league that has its own Taco Bell right there in the friggin Stadium. Now that's got to count for something. My wife's high school had a Taco Bell. I think that was, they had a couple restaurants in there. I swear she said Taco Bell was one of them.

Yeah, I've been hearing that in the last 20-some years. We had nothing like that. Oh, hell no. High schools now have their own bagel shops and McDonald's. Crazy. We were lucky to have the ice cream ladies. That was a big thing And she only showed up once every couple of months, I bet, the ice cream.

Junior high in high school, that was the big thing. Two women would volunteer every lunch period to be the ice cream person. Yeah. To give you the ice cream cones. Sometimes they'd bring in those chalky malt cups with that little wooden spoon. Oh, I love those. We used to get those sometimes. Those were outstanding.

Raiders ballpark, only one in the whole. league with its own stinking Taco Bell right there inside the ballpark you know something else that's unique about the raiders they're the only team in the history of the NFL to feature two quarterbacks on the roster that are virgins really and one is married the starter Kurt cousins kids you should look into that yeah it might not be his the starter Kurt cousins and the rookie backup Fernando Mendoza there's never been a team in the history of the National Football League to feature two quarterbacks on the roster that are virgins. Just picturing them on the road sharing a room in like footy pajamas at 9 o'clock at night, going to bed, having a warm glass of milk.

Maybe they're watching Teen Wolf. Was Philip Rivers a virgin when he first started? Very religious guy. When he was a rookie? Yeah. I wonder if he was married then. Good question. So by the way, this Mendoza even has his own signature meal.

named after him at the in-stadium Taco Bell. The meal is called the Bible Banger. No, I'm kidding. The meal is called the Manager Mendoza Special. It comes, because somebody has to, right? It comes with a regular or large nacho fries, nacho cheese sauce, one Doritos Locos Taco, and five crispy chicken strips.

That's the Fernando Mendoza special over there, Josh, at the... It's got an appetite. That'll fill the guy up. The Taco Bell they have in the ballpark. It has 14 different taps. Some of them are beer. Raiders-themed cocktails. An alcoholic drink called a twisted freeze, whatever that is, but it sounds fancy.

It's a Taco Bell with a liquor license. So give the credit, give some credit to the Raiders. They're doing some things right over there. So you can get drunk at Taco Bell as opposed to... to getting drunk and then going to Taco Bell. Yeah, it's a different order, isn't it? It blows my mind. Completely different than the way I do it.

Right. That's wonderful. That Buck's tradition. All right, Troy Akeman, while we're talking about quarterbacks, do you watch, what show is he on? Is it Sunday night football? Monday night. Monday night football?

Monday night football. Do you catch Troy Akeman off in Randy Schaber? Do you like how he operates? No, I do. I like Joe Buck and Charlie. Troy Aikman, yes. Joe Buck and Troy Aitman. Right, that's the team.

Okay, Monday night football. Well, some people are calling out Troy Aikman for saying the same things on repeat during every NFL broadcast over and over and over again. Folks say that Akeman. Well, I mean, he's done so many broadcasts. That's kind of unfair. I'll go along with it, but you've got to hear this, Randy Schaeber, because it's interesting. It is interesting.

Folks say that Akeman constantly uses the same. phrases and talking points. Apparently what Aikman likes to say, and this is what's driving people crazy, is Aikman likes to say, as anyone. This guy's as good as anyone. This defense is as good as, I think Josh has some examples here. This roster is as deep as any in all of football. He understands as much as anybody. This is as good as secondary as there is in all of football. Trent Mcduffey, he's as good as any in the game. They play as much man as anyone in football, one of the most Accomplish players in football and Patrick Stanton. Corlin Sutton, he's as good as there is in all of football.

So that's where they're going with it. I understand, but I mean, those guys probably have kind of a crutch. Everybody's got them. Yeah, you know, kind of a crutch thing that they do. I mean, I can remember Flip Saunders. Every conversation I ever had with Flip, he would always say as far as. I'll never forget it as long as I live. As far as the Big Ten goes, as far as that, as far as that.

Every conversation I really ever had with Flip, whether it was personal or professional, I mean, that was just his crutch line. Right. You know, everybody has a, you know, some people say like, right? The word like. Oh, no, I haven't noticed that. Jesus. It comes up a lot when people do.

No, you're right. I ain't mad at Troy Aikman. I mean, yeah, everyone has their little. little gimmicks, their little crutches. Yeah. This is more example of people take their announcers way too seriously and get so oversensitive about what they say and how they say it. And it's just, listen to this.

This will grab you. This will grab you. So ask clowns on the godless internet. One of them asked this question about Troy Aikman. If, apparently Troy Aikman gets $18 million a year. Okay, fair enough. They all get paid way too much. much money from top to bottom.

Someone on the internet said, if you were an employer, would you want to pay someone $18 million just to repeat the same phrases over and over again? So now we're calling for his job over this. God. And I love this line. I love this one. The fans deserve better. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, shut up and watch the friggin football game. It's background noise. We fans deserve better. What do you want him to have a dummy on his knee? Like, do a ventriloquist act? What do you want? Oh, yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing that. Now that you mentioned it, that sounds wildly entertaining.

Winston, next time you're going to bring in your ventriloquist dummy, your puppet. I haven't brought Scott Flamison into the building in a long time. It has been a long time. And you said you might have another one, but you couldn't remember. It's maybe in the house somewhere. Yeah, I've got a couple of puppets, Randy Shaver. You've ever seen my act? I have not.

He's a fireman, and his name is Scott Flamason. Based on a real guy who was not a fireman, but... Based on a real guy by the name of Scott Jameson. No, he was not a fireman. I put on a pretty good show. I have another puppet. I can't find it, though. It's an Italian chef, and he has a very exaggerated Italian accent.

So sometimes, Randy, a fire starts in the kitchen where the Italian chef was making up some stromboli or something, and then Scott Flamason races into the scene, and you see where I'm going with that? That's how the show. Yep. Yeah. How do you spell Flamison? F-L-Y.

Why are you? Because I'm writing it down for one of my fantasy teams. Scott Flamison? Yeah. Yes. Fun fact about Scott Jamison, Nick and I were the only two people in the building who liked them. Didn't realize that at first?

No, we didn't know that. We found out later we're the only two. Scott is spelled S-K. Spell Flamason. F-L-A-M-E-S-O-N. Flamason. Okay. Week one of the National Football League season

created an odd statistic. Every game, they played 16 of them, every game was decided by a different margin of victory. It's kind of crazy that it is. It's never happened before. What? It's never happened before, he said. So every outcome was decided by a different point total.

That's exactly right. Not point total, but margin of victory, Randy Shared. Yeah, gotcha. 16 games to margins of victory were 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 13, 14, 14, 17, 18, 21, 21, 22, and 24. That is interesting. Sorry if anyone just got real high before I said that. Because that could blow your friggin' mind. Sure.

It's never happened before, Cubby said. In the history of the NFL? In the history. Who keeps track of that? I don't know. Isn't that weird? Some psycho who lives in his grandmother's basement. I don't know.

Exactly. It is crazy the stats they come up. And how quickly they come up with them too. And there's so many we ignore around here, right? Because they're such a silly stat. I mean, but you also wonder, like, how do they... Where's the supercomputer they're keeping all this information in? Right.

Here's a listener. Medical device. Jesus wants to know what vehicle would Scott? Flamason show up in. What would he show up in if there were a fire? Well, that would be, of course, the Jurassic Park Water Squirder from the year 2001. He drives it even, Josh. Does he really?

Yeah, he drives the fire truck. Fire truck! Oh, my God. Scott Flamison. Twins were able to beat the stupid New York Yankees 5-4 and 13 innings yesterday. Lukie Kishal went three for five and he scored the winning run. I mentioned this earlier to Dana and Josh and Ashley. Does this help you at all, Randy Schaber?

With the win, the twins tied the six-game series with New York for the season. They split the season series. Yeah. That's okay. I mean, Aaron Judge missed most of those games with an injury, but yeah, it's fun. Don't care. Let us have this, Randy. But in the last 25 years, the last 25 baseball seasons,

the Yankees are 130 wins and 49 losses against the twins, including 16 and 2 in the postseason. 16 and 2. Yeah. Well, you know, at least the twins made the postseason. So let's got to look at it that way. The boys begin a four-game series tonight at the Los Angeles, Angels of Anaheim, and the Greater Orange County Area Public and Parochial.

What's that? It's the last road trip of the year. Yeah, they go. Where do they go? California. That's San Francisco. San Francisco. Back home against Texas, and that's it.

Do I have that correct? Yep, that's correct. Next weekend is the final weekend. Christ. That's a nice final road trip. Yeah. Oh, a nice ballparks. Yeah.

California. Probably going to be some nice weather. They still have a chance to finish 500. They've got to win 10 games in a row. Yeah, that's true. What's the saying? So you're saying there's a chance. I'll miss watching the twins, but, you know, I do love it.

You know what, though? They really, I think they performed better than we thought they would. Oh, they absolutely did. Thanks to, again, an American League that was 500 for a vast majority of the year for a wild card position, kept us interested. But I agree with you what you said yesterday. They are watchable the last three, four weeks because of the young guys they brought up. I'm excited about what next spring training could look like with Rodriguez and Jenkins and Kishall in the outfield. and, you know,

coal pepper at shortstop, and who else they might make the squad next year? Right. They've got some pieces. Dare I dream that a couple of free agents might, you never know, Randy Shere. Yeah, you never know. Here's a listener who texted in to say,

let me get this straight. The sum bitch has got a unicycle, a couple of puppets and a ukulele. Coolest guy in the neighborhood. Save some of that college. action for the rest of us, he says. What did you say, Josh? Coolest guy in the neighborhood.

You damn right. They'll welcome you. You're going to be the entertainment if you get to that senior community. Christ almighty. What night is the slow night over there where you might need a puppet show, which incorporates a ukulele song and maybe a unicycle? Oh, Monday night. Yeah.

I'll start planning it because I'll be joining there. I'll be joining you there before you know it. That's fine. There's room still. Does your significant other also has to be 55? No, they do not. Only one person does. One's good enough. I can bring the wife and the girlfriend.

You could? Yeah. All right. Maybe this Pete Alonzo jagoff ain't so bad after all. Yeah, he's a big strong guy and all that, Pete Alonzo, Baltimore Orioles. But he made a nice gesture to this. some Mets fans the other night. So Alonzo's in town with the Orioles playing the Mets.

A couple nights ago, he launched his 300th career yard sale. Yeah. The dudes who caught the ball, three young fellas, they brought it down to the Orioles Clubhouse after the ball game, and Pete was happy to see them and happy to have that baseball so we can put it on his trophy case and that whole smear. But here's where I'm going with this. To show his gratitude, not only did

Pete Alonzo, give him some autographed baseball bats and this and that. But he also, he didn't have to do this, Josh. He strolled on over to the team beer cooler, grabbed a round of ice cold Steve Weisers to share with the fellas before they went home. Yeah, that's really cool. Grabbed four big king cans, brought them over to the boys and said, let's pop the top on this pig before you boys go back home. That's cool.

I bet they love that. Yeah, I think that'd be cooler to me than an autograph ball or something. He also promised these characters that if they ever wanted to catch an Orioles game in Baltimore, that he would host them for a VIP experience and the whole kit and cabood. Wow, that's very generous. I'm a big guy. I'm a big strong guy. Maybe I'm going to let go with that one, Josh.

Maybe Pete Alonzo isn't the jag off that I thought he was. And you could be one of those things where right after. that he thought, oh gosh, I'm such a douchebag. Maybe he realized it immediately. Well, if you're a White Sox fan, your worst nightmare came true last night. Uh-oh. No longer in first place. Oh. The Guardians passed them last night with a win over the White Sox, and there is a chance that the White Sox may not make the playoffs this year. Well, wouldn't that just be a shame? They've lost. Well, I just think it's, I know. Can you imagine? the excitement in Chicago.

After the miserable years they've had recently. They've had some bad ones. They've been in first place almost the entire season. And here we are the last week of the year. They've lost a couple in a row now. They've won only three of their last 10. And they're on the verge of possibly not making the postseason. She's going to come down to the wireski.

That could be bad. Yeah, you know, I was born and raised to hate the White Sox. Right. So their failure isn't anything that I'm terribly concerned about, but I understand what you mean. Yeah, I mean, they have been more miserable than the twins the last few years. They have. I mean, they, I think they, didn't they almost lose a record number of games? A couple years ago.

Two years. Sounds right to me. So, I mean, this is like the. And these are all young players. These are not a bunch of older free agents. These are all guys through their farm system. So everybody has been, and rightly so, excited all season long. But now you come down to this, man.

Things are iffy. At 2024, the White Sox are 41 and 21. Or 41 and 121. You're right. Lick me down. Things are starting to pucker up a little bit. Yeah. You know, that Pete Alonzo beer drinking story reminds me of, boy, I was real lucky.

You know, growing up here in the state of hockey. State of hockey. Of course, Neil Broughton has been a hero of mine since I was a little kid. Since he was playing for the Golden Gophers, Randy Shaver. I know. I was covered. Guys like Neil Broughton and Dino Cicarelli and Bobby Sist. Smith and guys like that. I mean, heroes. Heroes of mine. So I was very lucky to meet Neil Broughton.

This was at, I believe, the very first, no, pardon me, it wasn't even a wild game. It was when the wild were first introduced as an idea, like the NHL commissioner, Upton said, there will be a team in Minnesota in a couple of years. There was a big party here in town, celebrating the birth of this new hockey team. And I believe that a preseason game happened at Target Center, an NHL preseason game happened. And it was just obviously a big deal. I got to hang out with Neil Broughton a little bit that night.

I had never met him before. So this is what, 1999 or 98? I had never met him before. And he was just such a down-to-earth, wonderful guy. But here's where I'm going with this. I was already in love with the man. but Neil says because he's a nice guy he decides to ask me a little bit about myself and he says so you're you're involved in morning radio huh and I said yeah and he said oh geez what time you got to get up in the morning I said I you know 345 4 o'clock in the morning Neil Broughton looks in my eyes and he says oh man does that make it uh does it make it kind of difficult to drink a lot of beer

You didn't have a problem with that back in the day. And I said to myself, I said to myself, just the fact that he's asking me about beer drinking. Now I'm even more deeply in love with Neil Brown. That was the first thing he thought of was how much beer can you drink and still go to work the next day? A lot in your case. Oh, God. I wasn't shy back then. All right.

Real quick, one more baseball note. And then I do have some hockey stuff. Now that we brought up Neil Broughton, I do have some hockey stuff for you. One more baseball note. I don't know that I ever heard this story before. This is one of those on this date in the history type things, Randy Shick. On September 17th, 19 and 35,

Brooklyn Dodgers outfielder Len Conachie was killed while attempting a skyjacking, hijacking an airplane. This one, you know this one. No. Oh, okay. I just know what skyjacking. You know the definition of skyjacking.

I thought I would start with something different. I bet you did. No, no, no. You're sick. I don't know if I ever heard this one again. So this Brooklyn Dodger Len Conachie back in 1935, he was killed while attempting to hijack an airplane. He was pissed off that he'd just been cut by the Brooklyn Dodgers.

So he took his frustrations out. on a airplane ride. They were flying over Canada going summers. He went nuts. He was trying to take control of the plane. He was trying to get into the cockpit. He was hit over the head, a flight attendant or someone, hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher, and he was dead.

Wow. Never heard that one before. Man, now he's got bigger problems than getting cut by the Dodgers. Yeah. Yeah, now he's dead. All right, back to hockey. Well, where else can we go with that? No, no.

It was a long time ago. I don't think we need to do a moment of silence or anything. People are past it. Oh, man. Did I come off insensitive there? I don't think so at all. No, no, no, no. Say a little prayer for Len Conachy

and whatever he was going through that evening before he was killed dead with a fire extinguisher blow to the skull. Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine the flight attendant who rang him over the dome? Probably said out loud, oh, Jesus, is he dead? Are you kidding me? Is this manslaughter?

Longtime NHL veteran defenseman, former pig Brent Burns. Finally, mercifully. He's retired? No. Oh. Finally and mercifully shaved off that stupid friggin' beard he's been hauling around for the last 10 years. or so. I forgot he was a handsome guy just because of how he's looked so many years in a row now. Now he still has a beard but a normal one. He did a little press conference. He's ready to go

into I think his 20th overall season. It's hard to believe that Brent Burns is 41 years old now. He looks so different. This will be his 20th season. He's playing for Colorado. He did a little press conference. He still wears a beard but a normal one. It no longer looks like he's been living in the drawing up plans for a chemical attack against a government while otherwise masturbating. Right. He's got his false teeth in, too. He's changed his...

Classed up a little bit. You can see these on 93X.com, too. Thank God. He looked like an idiot. By the way, there isn't a single active player in the National Hockey League who's played in more regular season games than Bernsey. Yeah.

Selected by the pigs with the 20th overall pick in the draft in the year of 2000-aught-3 made his debut as an 18-year-old kid and I remember those days very fondly. Bernjie was a tough player. He didn't really have his together yet when he was playing here. He was a little wild.

He was a little unruly, but he was so young. I remember when he, I don't remember what deal sent him out of town, but I remember thinking, yeah, he had great potential. He just hadn't really harnessed it yet. Typical, I guess, for a kid that age.

Yeah, he didn't really have like the Brock Faber demeanor when he walked into the, to start playing for the wild, right? No. I mean, Brock Faber was polished when he walked in the door. Mature beyond his years, I think is what you'd say about a guy like Brock Faber. Yeah. Bernjie was a little untamed. Yeah.

But a hell of a player. Do you guys, oh, of course you don't. I forget who I'm talking to. The number one overall pick in 2003. I'll give you a hint, another former pig. Give you another hint. Goaltender. I'll give you another hint.

French. I'll give you another hint. It was only a couple years ago. I'll give you another hint. He's funny. I'll give you another hint. His first name is Mark and his middle name is Andre. Still need more, man.

Mark Andre Fleury was the number one pick in 2003. Josh! What? Number 17 overall 2003. Zachie Zach. You know, it's his brother Jordan's birthday this weekend. Maybe we can get him on the air. I didn't know Jordan and I were so close with our birthdays.

It's hard to get him on air when he's somewhere in the middle of the woods. Yeah, that's a good point. What was the name that you couldn't think of Jordan's name the other day and you dropped one that was very... I called him Raymond. Yeah. So, yeah, number one. Overall, in 2003 was Mark Andre Fleury. Number two was Eric Stahl.

Number five, Thomas Vannick. Out of the University of Minnesota. Yes. Just proud of myself, I've recognized all these names so far. Seven, well, I only highlighted the recognizing. Yeah. Oh, I could have you lost in no time, Dana, with this. Seven overall was Ryan Suter.

Go ahead, Pigs fans. Ryan Suter. Build a statue. Mm-hmm. There you go. Oh, by the way. Number 19 overall in 2003 was Ryan Getsloff, and a lot of you guys probably don't know who that was.

One of my favorite players, Ryan Getsloff was such a terrific player for the Anaheim Ducks for so many years. They're going to retire his sweater this year in Anaheim, wildly underrated. Just wanted to throw that in there. Oh, Corey Perry was number 28 overall. Some bitch you're still playing. Still playing. That was one of Getsloss's linemates there in Anaheim for many years.

Ryan Reeves has retired from the National Hockey. League. He spent an hour or two with the man bear pigs. But he was a beloved player, I think, throughout the league, because even though it's a dying breed, we still love enforcers. He's a tough guy. Ryan Reeves was that character for, oh, damn, I don't know how many years. He's 39 years old, retiring. When did he come into the league? 20 and 13. So yeah, he's been around for a while, Ryan Reeves. And here's what else is significant. Now that Ryan Reeves has retired, there are only three players in the National Hockey League who go without a visor.

Ryan O'Reilly of the Stars, pardon me, Ryan O'Reilly of the Nashville Predators, Jamie Ben of the Dallas Stars, and Zach Bogosian who plays here in town. They're the only three players left without a visor. That's because they were grandfathered in, right? That's right. And it reminds me of 35 years ago

when all the helmetless players started to disappear. You know, I think at the ass end, Craig McTavish, he might have been the last swinging D to play without a helmet. Craig McTavish, he played forever. Randy Carlisle was another guy. God, who are the other guys at the ass? Those got to be maybe the last two guys going without the brain bucket. It's hard to believe that when I was a kid to go watch the NERC,

stars. The majority of the guys out there on the ice didn't have a helmet. It's hard to believe. I mean, yes, people are saying Willie Plet. Yeah, I mean, of course, Willie Plet never wore a helmet. I'm trying to think of the last couple of guys. And I'm almost certain, what did I say his name was a minute ago? McTavish. Yeah, he was the last one. Randy Carlisle was a defenseman in Winnipeg. Do you have any other names in there, Josh? God dang it. Anyway, so much has changed. there you go. Did you say, you said Carlisle, right?

Brad Marsh they have on the list. Brad Marsh? Well, no, he was, he must have. Oh, Brad Marsh. Anyway, there was a time. There was a time when there was a lot of guys out there without the bucket. And now we're talking about visors. This sounds like fun before we get out of here.

We're coming up on another National Basketball Association regular season. the Atlanta Hawks are going to go ahead with something fun this season. Remember last year they wanted to do a strip joint night and they got shut down by the NBA? Yeah, that didn't go too far. They wanted to pay tribute to Magic City, the legendary strip joint they have in Atlanta.

It sounded like a hell of a lot of fun. The NBA said no, because they're a bunch of frigging flatliners. This season, the Atlanta Hawks are going to have a theme night in January called Single A.F. night. Single A.F. So far, they're getting away with it.

I have a feeling the NBA might pounce on the A.F part and make them change the title. They're calling it single A.F. Night for single fans looking to a tear one loose. According to a press release from the Atlanta Hawks, they say, coming off the success of last season's single A.F pregame mixer, oh, okay, they already had a single AF event. last year, a pregame thing. They will full-on host single AF night, and it will provide fans with a unique opportunity to meet and mingle while experiencing the excitement of a Hawks basketball game.

That sounds cool. I don't think they're going to get away with this. But they already had a single AF pre-game mixer last season, Randy. Okay. I mean, it'd be different if they called it STD Knight or something. Yeah. They could just, they could maybe try to skirt it by saying the A.F stands for single and funny. Yeah, I'm sure they could probably get away with something like that.

Yeah. But we all know what they mean. What do you think about that, Josh? The Atlanta Hawks are your wingman over there at the arena. I could use the help. Yeah, you could. One of the players comes by and just cleans up. Yeah, that wouldn't be fair.

No. They can't participate. Craig McTavish retired in 19 and 97. He was the last player to go without a helmet. Did he die? Oh my God. Someone says RIP to a legend. Am I forgetting that Craig McTavish died?

I don't know. I thought he was alive. He's alive. Yeah, he's not dead. Thank God. They're just saying RIP maybe to the helmetless era in the national hockey league. That scared me. Don't do that, cracking skulls.

And now everyone's saying you're forgetting about Harold Snap. I'm not forgetting about anybody. I'm trying to, yes, I know Harold Snaps didn't wear a helmet. I'm trying to think of the guys at the very. end of the Ron Dugay. I know all that. Yeah. Sorry, I blew up. I'm not sitting here trying to name helmetless, but I'm trying to so there you go. Hey, before we go, Randy Schaver,

you've got a new event coming up for the Randy Schaver Cancer Research and Community Fund coming up in October. You want to tell us a little bit about that? You know what? I don't have that information. I knew it. I'm sorry. I don't have it in front of me. October 9th, 5 to 8 p.m. Over there at the Stinking. Chan Hassan, American Legion.

Yep, yep. October 9th, 5 to 8 p.m. Now, I want to be clear about something. This is not something that the Half-Ass Morning Show will be present for. We're going to be in Wisconsin that weekend. Yeah, but you guys take credit for it, though, too, because your influence and success that we've had at the Wiseta Legion has led to other legions having interest in partnering with my charity.

Did you hear that, Nick? You're an influencer. Yeah, but I'm not on the internet yet. So I give a lot of credit to Nick to your wife and just to the success of what we've done at the Wisetta Legion that has now brought interest from Chan Hassan. And I understand yesterday we just had a conversation with a, a Legion in Apple Valley that has interest in partnering too. Cool.

Well, we'll take that credit. How great. Yeah, so I appreciate you guys being a part of that. So we'll give further heads up on this, but, you know, we're big supporters are what Randy and his wife do over there. So October 9th, 5 to 8 p.m., Chanhaston American Legion, there's going to be a fish fry that will benefit the Cancer Research Community Fund. 20 bucks, walk-ins are welcome.

They got seating for 400 people. No reservations required. And $10 from every dinner is going to benefit. benefit the foundation. Which is fabulous. It's also the night where the Chan-Hanson High School football team hosts Chaska, which is the big rivalry. And I will actually be there because they're presenting a check for tackle cancer that night. So it'll be a busy night in Chan on October 9th. There you go, Randy. Thanks, buddy. Well, of course. Of course. We'll talk you tomorrow. All right. Sounds good. We'll come back in a few minutes here on the half-assed morning show.

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All right, yeah, there you go. It's Thursday, which means tomorrow is a full-on F-off day. So, you know, we're getting there. Tomorrow we rock the river. Tomorrow night out of the Mississippi. Some folks have been texting in saying, what, you're still going to go out on the boat? Even if it's coming down like a cow pissing on a flat rock?

Yeah, they've got a lid on those boats. Yeah, you'll be good. We'll be fine. They got a lid on it. Even the all the way up top still has a little bit of a lid on it. Yeah, it's nice. There's a lid, Cubby. There's no windows on the top one.

So thanks, everyone again for taking interest in our Rock the River party. We'll talk all about it tomorrow. But yeah, we don't care about the weather. Weather has no factor on that. We're rolling. Tomorrow's an F-off day. And we welcome you back to the show. A pack of dogs, Cubby.

Josh and I would have been better off had we been raised by a pack of dogs. We were jaw-jack in earlier about how a lack of good parenting led to Josh and I having no idea how to care for ourselves well into our 30s. Specifically, we were never taught personal hygiene or grooming. So as fully-blown adults, the two of us living separately, don't you know, growing up, living separate lives in different parts of town. It just so happens. This is one of the things we discovered we had in common

when we fell in love 30 years ago. The two of us never knew about lots of things that other folks are usually taught when they are kids, taught by their parents, proper grooming, proper hygiene. This is a conversation we had earlier on. For example, when I was a younger guy, my skin was so dry, I was more or less flammable. And a gal friend once said to me, don't you ever use face lotion?

And I had to say, what is face lotion? Josh mentioned this earlier. My first wife taught Josh and I how to shave. We were doing it all wrong, and she had to show us what we were doing wrong. She had to show us the proper way to shave our faces. I'd never learned about lotion until I still don't use it. I don't really like the feeling of it putting the lotion on its skin. But I know you're the one that taught me about it.

Cubby? What? A pack of dogs. So with all that said, I have a question. What's something you learned about your partner way too late into the relationship? Now, not all of this involves grooming or hygiene. Some of it does, but not all of it. Because like I said, my first wife had to teach me and Josh how to shave when she married me.

She probably assumed I knew how to do that. what's something you learned about your partner way too late into the relationship? Now, like I said, some of this involves hygiene and groom. Here's an individual who said they did not know that their significant other had never been to the dentist as an adult until after they got married. I mean, some of the stuff, yeah, why would that ever come up? You know, you'd never discuss something like that. Right.

For my wife, she never swore until after we got married. She blames me, but you guys know, I don't really swear. No, you don't. She said that I ruined her for that, but I don't swear. Almost never. You didn't know how squeaky clean she was with her vocabulary. She, yeah, as soon as it seems like after we got married, she swears, like if you ask the kids, who swears the most? By far, it's her.

She throws out terrible words constantly. And I've never, I never knew that about her. Like I said, I don't think she said, damn when we were dating. She's also a lot more messy than I thought she was. Very messy. I think that's really common. She creates a mess. Did you guys live together for a long stretch before you were married?

No, not too long. Less than a year. You didn't know she was such a slob. No, that was news to me. Feel free to text, by the way, 651-551-9-989. I'll get there. 651-551-933. We're still getting used to this new text number.

Is there something you learned about your partner? After the two of you's got married? something that they how do I say that again I'll just I'll state it the way it's printed something you learned about your partner way too late into the relationship this happens like often

and I'm it just happened like a couple days ago where I turned to my husband and I was like wow if I didn't if I knew that about you we wouldn't be married right now like we wouldn't be together like obviously I'm kidding but it's things oh it's gonna it's gonna bother me like I found out like you don't remember a good example

would be finding out that he doesn't like an ice cream sandwiches. And it's like, how did I not know something about that? Like, you traitor. What's wrong with you? That kind of stuff. I saw one on the list. Should have covered ice cream sandwiches before you got married. I thought everybody.

Ours was in the vows. It's like small little things like that where I'm like, who are you? There's one on the list that talked about a woman discovered that her husband doesn't wash his legs in the shower because the soap runs down to them. That was always something you and I thought. I do now. I can't remember who was. I have never washed my legs in my entire life. I do now. We got so much crap about it.

And I thought, well, am I supposed to be doing this? I never did. I never washed my feet. And it never had like a problem where my feet reeked. It never happens. So now I do. It's getting harder and harder to bend down, though. Oh, too old. Years a gut.

And get lightheaded on the way back up. Be careful in the shower. You got one of those OSH handles in there yet? No, I probably am getting to the age where we need one. You got to get yourself an OSH handle in the shower, especially once you hit 50. Smokes your mom's pot, Jesus says I didn't know that my wife couldn't hold on to money to save her life until we got married. She says, I swear she thinks her paycheck has an expiration date. That could be a problem, certainly.

Some of these are kind of silly, like who cares if they don't wash their feet? Right. That kind of thing, like we've been bankrupt. Goat trucking, Jesus said my wife is probably in some sort of gang with the tattoos and the swearing. Yeah. All of a sudden, she joined a punk band or something. something. I'm telling you. She's

tattoo after tattoo. Has she joined a gang? I think it's something. She's not telling me. All right. Here are some more examples. Something you learned about your significant other way too late into the relationship. Something that they should have learned a skill set.

They should have mastered by now, but they haven't for whatever reason. This one's, I don't know, I mean, kind of interesting, kind of cute. I didn't know until after we got married that my partner has absolutely no ability at all to swim. You go on a boat ride or something, you go walking by the lake. I want to jump in real quick. Hell no, I got no idea what I'm doing in there. You don't know how to swim. Yeah, I mean, that's fun.

You would think you'd know that. But again, some of these things are just little obscure topics that you wouldn't. I know my wife knows how to swim. in high school. She was a swimmer. She was an athlete. She made the varsity club. She was a swimmer. I guess if you didn't already know that about her that, you know, she say you met her for the

first time when you guys reconnected your relationship a, you know, a handful of years ago, would there have been anything? Would you have known that she was a swimmer? Like, have you guys ever gone swimming together or jumped into a body of water together? We've done damn near

everything together. I don't think we ever went swimming together. Yeah, so I guess it's possible for some people. You got to remember, I've known her for 38 years. So, I mean, did I, so you're asking me if I knew that before we got married, that she was a swimmer? No, I was asking, like, say you didn't know her for the 38 years and you guys just started dating when you rekindled your relationship.

You might not have known whether or not she was a swimmer. I probably would have, you're right, but I probably would have asked her, you know, what were the kind of the things you were involved in high school. Yeah, that's true. This person says, boy, I wish I would have figured out she doesn't like sex earlier. Yeah, that's a common one. Yeah, that's a common one. They didn't realize that.

Now, here's an individual who says, I didn't know until after we got married, that my husband's mother still makes all of his doctor's appointments for him. Oh, no. What the hell kind of weirdo? Oh, that's odd. What's that all about, Covey? Yeah, I know.

Why's mom still making your... I know a couple of dudes that, they're in the same boat. Mom balances the checkbook. Not married guys. Married guy. no. What is going on? I don't know. Just that mom's always taking care of that stuff for them and they didn't never stop. He's grown now. Yeah. Yeah, he's older than I am.

I have some people in my life that I like that. Speaking of money, here's some bitch who says I found out after we got married that my wife has $30,000 in credit card debt. Whoa. Now that's shady. That's a lot. That's shady that she didn't bring that up in conversation before they tied the stinking knot. Am I right or am I wrong? $30,000?

I should know about that. If I'm going to marry you, now it's my problem too. I'm trying to think, I mean, I knew my wife had a student loan, a significant one for a degree she never got. I mean, I was aware, but I don't know how it came up. I certainly didn't ask. I mean, I know, and some of you are probably saying $30,000, that's chicken dick compared to other people's debt issues,

but still $30,000 is $30,000. And now it's our problem. I found out after my wife and I got married, Jesus, I found out after we got married that she still has her ex's initials tattooed on her body. I was upfront about that. Yeah, didn't your wife make you do it get rid of it immediately? I asked her honest opinion, and she goes, I mean, it's up to you, but I would like it if you got rid of it. Where to hell does this lady have her tattoo that her husband never noticed?

it. Yeah, no kidding. Where's that some bitch? The dudes are so oblivious. Between her. That's a good point, Ashley. Her face. A lot of these, any of these that are coming from men that are saying, like,

well, my wife didn't tell me, I guarantee you she did tell you like seven times and you just don't remember. My wife made me remember her phone number. It's one of the only phone numbers I know. When we first started dating, she forced me to know it, which is good because it's coming handy before. I'm sure.

Ashley, I can't argue your statement on our listening. skills. I can't argue your statement on the listening skills of men, especially when their wife is talking. But wait a minute now. I might not notice your new haircut. I might not notice your new blue jeans, but I certainly am going to notice a friggin tattoo that's permanently placed on your body. This dude didn't know that his wife had her ex's initials still tattooed. What is it? Between her toes? Because I'd notice that. What's something you learned about your partner way too late into the relationship?

That's the conversation we've been having. Something you learned about your partner way too late in the relationship. You thought you knew everything about your partner. You did not. And this goes in all different directions here. Three years in to our marriage, somebody here says, I learned that my husband doesn't know his left from his right. Really?

Oh, my ex-wife did not know that either. That was troubling. We'd be driving somewhere and I'd say, oh, yeah, hang a left up here. And she would, like, hold her hands up, you know, because the L. Yeah. And I'm like, you're a lawyer and you don't know the left. It was very concerning. That's very interesting.

Is there something in the brain there? Is there some wiring that didn't quite? Maybe she was too busy studying for the bar exam and never got to that one. Miss that day of first grade? You know, it's not always used. learn something about your significant other. Like Big Daddy Love Buckets, Jesus said. He learned something about himself after he got married.

And that's everything that comes out of his mouth is wrong. He can't say anything right. He didn't know that before he got married. We play that game at the house. We play that game, Josh. It's called Everything That I Say is Wrong. Here's an individual who says after we got married, I learned that my husband.

has a box in the basement and inside the box is basically everything he ever received, every gift he ever received from an ex. It's a little weird. I found out after we got married that my husband's entire hometown calls him nipples. He never told me about it, and still to this day won't tell me why. Why? Why the hell they call you nipples? I would spend all of my free time trying to figure that out. I mean, it'd be real easy. You just ask some other swinging D in the neighborhood.

Yeah, they'll tell you. They'll sell them out quicker and you can say Jack Robinson. Or I suppose it could be one of those nicknames where people jumped on and think, I never really asked. Yeah. More anxiety than here. Jesus, kind of like the left and right thing, Dana, says he learned pretty late into dating his now wife. She doesn't know how to tell time on an analog clock. Oh, that's troubling. Maybe they don't teach that anymore. We learned it in school.

I'm sorry, but what's an analog clock? The one with the big hand and the little hand. Oh. It's like what a regular clock is. So without looking at the microwave or it boldly says, you know, 8 to 57 numbers. Yeah, she can't tell. She can't a regular old clock. I do know they still teach that, at least in my wife's school.

She's a second grade teacher. Good. I've seen those worksheets before. Wow. Very interesting. Very unique. Some of these issues. This listener says, I found out.

after marriage that my wife is terrible at walking. Walking? Yes. She stops randomly and she lurches quite abruptly to the left and right. He says it's incredible. She's incapable of walking a straight line. There's a hard lean to the left and oh, here we go. Now we're going to the right and then she'll just stop.

So he says, it's really weird. My husband would probably say that I don't know how to walk. When we go to like fairs or something, he's constantly like, hey, watch out. Hey, don't run into that person. I'm like, I got it. Do you just not pay attention? Is that, are you in your own world? I think I'm paying attention.

I think I'm doing a good job, but I guess not. Here's a dude who says my wife is scared of vacuuming, and that's not a cheap joke about house cleaning. Is she a dog? It's not that type of vacuum fear either. where like the dog backpedals away from the vacuum. His wife does not, and maybe he's a sucker. It could be that she's blowing smoke up his ass in order to get out of housework.

We don't know, but this is what he tells us. His wife does not like at all to run the vacuum because she has a deep paranoia that someone's going to come up behind her. She can't hear what's... You see what I'm saying? I understand. Like a home intruder is going to grab her from the hindside.

Yeah, I never would have thought of that. Now I know how to get out of vacuum. Do you guys ever have a dog that loved the vacuum? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get away. She loved being vacuumed.

I did just see. Absolutely loved it. I saw a video on Facebook the other day. Somebody said like how to, if you have a dog that likes to attack the vacuum, I guess in order to get them to stop doing that, you're supposed to yell at the vacuum instead of the dog, like punish the vacuum. And I'm watching the video and it worked. The dog like left the vacuum alone.

Like maybe they thought like, all right, you're on my side. Cool. I hope you try that. and the UPS guy happens to be at the door at that exact moment and sees you yelling at your vacuum. We got a lot of these comments talking about something you learned after marriage, something you learned about your significant other that you did not know. We got a lot of these types of answers where a guy says my wife apparently did not know

how to not have sex with other people. My wife thought says this dude my wife thought that oil changes were a scam. He says, for real skis, for real skis, she had 40,000 miles on the original oil in her car. Oh, my gosh. That's darn near impressive.

Yeah, I'm surprised it hasn't just blown up on you. I need to know what vehicle that is. What they put in there from the get-go. I'll be damped, yeah. How did they just not turn into? It was incredible oil. Right. Anyway, you know, some of this is quirky, but then we got another one of these here where this just sounds shady.

It says, I did not know until after we were married, that my wife, 41 years old, did not have a dime saved. Not a dime. Nothing saved, 41 years old. Yeah, a few of these are coming in. I really don't remember us having a money conversation. We probably did. I just don't remember that. That's not a quirk.

That's a dirty secret that should have been shared. Did you guys have that conversation? Do you remember? Yeah, kind of. It was just like we were open about everything. So it was probably covered. Like he knew that I had some medical bills. He knew that I had college debt.

I knew that he had college debt. I guess I never really knew exactly what he had in his bank account. So you did know some of that stuff. Yeah. I knew he could pay his bills. I knew he took care of business. There you go. Got to take care of business.

Yeah. Working over time. We also have to take care of business here in a second time. Yeah, we do. Well, before we take care of business, a little bit of pleasure. Again, happy birthday to you, Nick. Oh, thanks, man. And thanks for the unicycle.

Yeah, of course. And thanks for D's nuts. Got him a big thing of D's nuts. Look at that. Those are huge nuts right there. Delicious. So salty. And then, of course, happy birthday to your twin Steve.

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