93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Ass Cactus

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

Originally Aired February 13, 2026: They yell, they scream, they throw up on the floor. Rewriting history. Everything you wanna know about your baby daddy banging your sister. Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well.

Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. The comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93X half-ass morning show. I always love this bit. Is my computer not up? No, it's up.

Well, no, no, shh, shh, shh, shh. What the heck? No sound until you get it going. I don't like this. Now, see, now you're whining. I know. Is that my computer? Keep going.

All right, fine. I don't think I can get this to work. Crap. Well, that's unfortunate. Friday the 13th, you know it's Friday the 13th? Hey, guys, I can't believe you're on the air today. I mean, you could spill your coffee, you could. I friggin't love it.

I'm sorry. That's a caller. I know you probably put a lot of work into that. I did. No need to apologize, no need to explain. I love that. Here we go. Nowhere, Bitt.

I love it. Every time, it works every time. What sucks the most is I test this every morning before we go on, every single morning, and it was working just fine. I'm going to restart my computer and then we're going to restart the show we're going to go back in time and this never happened

this is where we close things out for the week Cubby and oh am I ready to put a lid on this bitch yeah I'm tired this week yeah we got a text earlier saying how's everybody and I mentioned it's very tired in the studio this morning I'm ready to put a lid on it

I am welcome to the program 93x half-ass morning show I have a plan in place for us. You guys are feeling kind of tired. I got this. We start off with a little bit of this. We follow with a little bit of that. Minimal effort throughout. So again, a recap on the plan.

This, followed by that. And then we go ahead with a three-day weekend after we bang this pig out. Everybody in the room right now gets to go enjoy a three-day weekend. Sounds good to me. I thought you'd like that. Yeah. Really, I had a feeling. You'd be cool with that.

Nobody's leaving until I get my computer working, just so you guys know. You guys aren't going anywhere. Saturday afternoon. There's kind of a unique vibe going around right now. If you're into holidays or themes or whatever, today is Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Today's also Galentine's Day. Oh, sure.

And more and more women seem to celebrate that every year. You go out to the bar with your girls. girlfriends and you talk trash about everybody who walks through that front door. Isn't that pretty much Galentine's Day? Now it's like getting together at your house and I don't know doing like an art project. An art project? Yeah, I see a lot of that. Oh, it sounds terrible.

Do you get into Galentine's Day? I heard you mention it the other day. No, I thought about having my girlfriends over, but then I thought about the logistics behind that. And I decided against it. Smart. It's a lot of work. Wasn't the original theme of Galantines Day, Ashley? You and five, six are your closest single girlfriends.

You go out to the neighborhood roadhouse. You get yourself a table by the front door. You get good and drunk. And everyone who walks through the door, you say, who does this bitch think she is? Right? That was kind of the year. I think that's a complete opposite of what it was.

It started on the show Parks and Rec by Leslie Knope. Never saw it. Oh, that's how it was started. That's how it all started. Wow. And it was all about just getting together with your girlfriends and uplifting each other and complimenting each other. Oh, I thought it was me. No.

I thought it had an evil vibe. That's a complete opposite. When did that? I heard different. Do you know when that started then? Because I swear Galentine's Day was a word that was said frequently before that. My understanding was it started on Parks and Rec as well. Really?

I heard a different story. Originated on the show Parks and Rec in a 2010 episode. No way. I feel like that's been around my whole entire. wife. Odd. This doesn't happen very often. Again, if you care, if you're into holidays, themes.

It doesn't happen very often where Friday the 13th butts up against Valentine's Day. I know many of you couldn't give two pumps about either, but some of you get wrapped up in things like that. Jesus, imagine this now, Josh,

with this Friday the 13th followed by Valentine's, Day thing we got cooking. Imagine if you're the type of person who is superstitious, you know, you're the type of person who fears Friday the 13th and black cats and broken mirrors and that whole mess. And you're also in a relationship where Valentine's Day is a big effing deal. You got a girlfriend or a wife waiting for you to prove your love to them tomorrow.

I bet you're a friggin' nervous wreck right now. Yeah, especially if you haven't had all. the plans prepared and my days the day you've got to finalize everything. Scrambling, that's a bad feeling. How are you supposed to go buy your wife a bouquet of flowers if you're afraid to leave the house? I just realized something. It's Friday the 13th and my computer isn't working. And I hit every red light on my way in today.

Did you? And I don't even really consider Friday the 13th much of anything, but now I might have to change my mind. You should be careful the rest of the day, man. I guess so. You should go home and stay home. None of that going on wild parties that you like to do on Friday's, Josh. I do like to party.

Yeah, all right, Galantines Day, this, that. Here's the most interesting thing I read this morning concerning Valentine's Day. And there's all levels of boring information available to us today concerning Valentine's Day. Things like what we typically buy for each other, it's endless, and a lot of it is boring. but not this. There's a small percentage of people out there who say they have some dating advice for us, okay? There's a small percentage of people who say that you should date someone for at least one week before having a child with them. I think that's good advice.

At least like a little bit longer? Well, no, at least a week. At least a week. Yeah, that gives you a lot of time over that. I mean, five days, that's just trashy. People from 18 to 99 were asked, how long should you date someone before you have a baby with them? And there was at least a small percentage of people who said,

at least a week, that's frigging hilarious to me, man. It planned a pregnancy. I was going to ask you guys your advice on something, because my youngest, he won't take my advice for anything, when it comes to girls especially, right? Yeah. And so there's, you know, young lady he's he's got his eye on and um you know i've been trying to tell him to play it cool here

and there and he refuses to listen to me he thinks he knows everything and so he told us yesterday his plan is to send her a text to ask her to be his valentine now they've never like dated or anything like that i don't even know how much of a like a relationship they really have right now and ashley tell me if i'm wrong i thought that was like a bad call to ask her out on valentine's day It seemed to me like that's the wrong time to do that. Well, wait a minute. I think that's cute. He wants to ask her to be his girlfriend?

Like his Valentine slash girlfriend on Valentine's Day. No, I think that's cute. You don't think it's... At that age, that's good, but he shouldn't text. Well, that's all they do. I mean, that's how they communicate. Back in my day? Maybe not a text, like Snapchat or something.

At least like a FaceTime or something. But no, at that age, too, I would have thought that was adorable. Okay, well, then he's right not to listen to me. To me, I thought that seems. pretty ridiculous to do it on Valentine's Day. And he was going to send her some meme, like a 1% meme. Have you, are you familiar with this? No.

I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Steph Curry. I can't remember. And then he's just going to say like, Valentine question mark or something. That's all he was going to. Oh, that's, I mean, I don't know. Maybe that's how kids do it now, but that sounds ridiculous. Oh, he acted as if he was Romeo.

I know he'd just been planning this thing out and this was the greatest plan of all time. This is his big plan. So you and your son, more importantly, my godson, you two have conversations about girls and how to talk to girls and what he tells you what girls he likes and things like that? Very minimally. I mean, I ask him about his day and kind of, you know, I'll ask him about, I always like to ask him if any of the, like the hot moms or hot teachers ask about me. But I've done that since my big kids were little. They never have, but I keep telling them it's coming. They'll ask.

They'll be interested. They've seen me in the parking lot. Like who's that handsome guy dropping you off? You know it. So you guys have father-son conversations. He'll talk to you about girls that he likes in school. Yeah, it's not like an after-school special type of conversation, but it comes up. But still, I think it's pretty rare.

Yeah. I never had one single conversation with my dad about chicks. He wouldn't have cared less. Yeah, that's pretty cool that he talks to you. I don't think that our generation were all that comfortable, Josh, approaching our parents to ask. Oh, I definitely wasn't. No, I mean, that's a pretty. kind of a cool thing.

Do you tell him about the chicks that you like? No, I really think that's inappropriate. There's this girl I've been seen around the house. I mean, I insinuate that there's quite a few of them, but I don't get into specifics. That's none of his business. I mean, that's kind of cool. You should feel like you've accomplished something as a father

that your son even feels comfortable talking to you about checks. Yeah, I like, I mean, it's nice, definitely. I know he keeps stuff from us for sure, but it is kind of nice. I don't really like what I see between you and your kids and stepkids. I don't like the way they treat you. I don't like them. I just like being included, even if it means I'm the butt of every single show. Yeah.

The idea that he's approaching you for advice on girls must mean he has some level of respect for you, which is the first sign I've seen. Out of the kids? Yeah. Yeah. Well, they'll ask me for help with taxes and stuff. There's probably some respect there. My oldest, camp, called me a plus.

Taxes? And I thought, I'd ask Ashley. By the way, I like the derogatory term, plug. I try to use that a lot. So I found out it's not a derogatory term. Oh, that's the way I use it, like butt plug. Me too. That's why I took it as, oh, he's giving me crap again.

No, he meant it in a good way. See, we can't keep up with these shifts. Terms change, definition. So we called you a plug? Yeah, and there should be rules on that, right? You can't use a term that was derogatory when the person you were talking to grew up. You have to give them something that was like you have to say, you're reliable or cool. You're not so bad after all.

He should speak your language if he's going to insult you or compliment you. It seems that way. Or else he's going to leave you confused. We're going to Mexico this spring. I should probably learn some Spanish. Maybe a little bit, yeah. I was telling my, I'm trying to get my youngest to pay attention in school. I told him like, hey, we could use you.

We could use you coming up here. You know, you could use some of that Spanish so we know what we're doing. But so far, he has put in zero effort on that. I can teach you some French. It will be not useful at all, but it'd be fun. I can count in German. That's not going to help me.

Can you guys indulge me with one thing? What's up? Sure, go ahead. If you don't mind. Friday the 13th, were you aware of that? Today is Friday the 13th. Hey, guys, I cannot believe that you are doing a show on Friday the 13th, all right?

Think about all the things that could happen today. You could accidentally play a commercial in the wrong slot. The overnight guy could spill coffee on the computer. When talking up the intro of a song, you might wind up stepping on the lyrics. I mean, it's different. Ladies and gentlemen, the weekend. Showtime, showtime, showtime, show. Go ahead. What do you want from us?

Thank you. I feel better. Hey, guys. Welcome to the morning show. It wasn't even my computer. It was a whole different thing over here. That was great, Josh. So that was the intro you planned to play for us, but something went wrong?

Yeah, the little mixer over here, dad. It was cute. It was cute. That guy, I love that guy. I know you do. have to play him every Friday the 13th. That guy used to call in all the time and do those little jokes for us. He'd start out complimentary, and then he would turn out.

He would call us on Friday the 13th, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and always have some kind of cute little set of jokes like he had there about Friday the 13th. And then the guy died. Oh. Yeah. He was killed. Oh.

That's pretty fitting, though. So how do you like your son? More importantly, my godson's chances of gaining this new girlfriend that he's. after you were telling us about. Well, I feel differently after talking to you guys. I thought, you know, this probably isn't going to go over as, you know, television or like some sort of movie as he thought it was. I was trying to tell him, you know, real life's a little bit different than watching Jesse

or whatever you're watching on Netflix. Jesse. But he's going for it and he kind of acted like I was an idiot and I guess maybe I am. Do you know this girl? No, I'm not. I just know her by what he's said. Do you know if he's doing it today or if he's going to wait until tomorrow for actual Valentine's Day? I can only pay attention so much.

Well, he's texting, so I guess it doesn't matter when he does it. Right. When you were around that age, you'd ever ask somebody to go with you and they said, no. Yes. I was friend zoned. I might have a record for friend zone. I was friend zoned from kindergarten until my senior year of high school by a girl where I went to prom with her. that was that's probably the longest so many times you approach gals in the hallway grade school junior high high school asked them to go with you and they said absolutely not well it's one in particular and i look back it's troubling with the lens of 2026 where i was persistent in every i don't know year i would ask her to go out or something like that yeah i would have felt so bad i would have definitely i would have caved after like the second time you asked so she turned you down multiple years oh yeah yeah i

Yeah. I feel how many times a year were you asking her to go with you? Just once a year. Just once. What a bitch. And you never changed your mind. What gave you the idea year to year that maybe she had changed her mind? Like movies like Say Anything.

80s movies. You're in a change. And I thought, hey, you know, yeah, I've grown up in a year. We're different people now. That is so sweet, John. Oh, I don't know. It's creepy now. I feel so bad, and I'm really mad at her for not just like giving you a pity date.

Well, I got a pity prom. That was fun. Also, at the ass end of your scholastic career, is that the proper? Yep. At the ass end, she went to prom with you just to get you to shut the hell up. She came. She asked me. She asked me to go to prom.

She was like, look, if I don't go somewhere with this maniac, he's going to kill me. Yeah. Afraid of what is going to happen after high school here. You went to prom. Yeah, I never rose to the level of threats. But there was no, it was just a friend date prom type of a thing. or did things get fresh? You know, for this story, it doesn't really matter.

Oh. I think it resolved in going to prom together. So you were kind of a psych, like a psychotic lunatic. I didn't feel that way at the time, but yes, now looking back, that was insane. Do you know how she's doing now? No, I don't. I'm curious. I don't follow her home from work.

Facebook stalker. I can think of one gal from when I was a kid where I was a little, I was probably a little too persistent. but it only lasted a couple of months for Christ's sake. You're after this girl for 18 years. You know, when you say it out loud, it sounds kind of dumb. Did you ever, like, do her homework or anything? No, no, she was, like, valedictorian. Oh, okay, okay.

She's the smartest person in class. You had all-A's and perfect attendance? I definitely wasn't all-A's, but perfect attendance, sure. Every year. Yeah, pretty much. It wasn't like on an anniversary or anything like that. Well, no. I'm just trying to, maybe we skip the year here or there, but.

That's very endearing. There was times it just seemed like even my friends were like, dude, she wants to date you. And I thought, well, I better ask her out. And it turns out she did not want to date. What the heck? Well, I remember in sixth grade making a telephone call, as soon as I got home from our last day of school, I was bananas over this gal.

and I didn't have the balls to ask her right there at school. So I figured I'd give her one of those telephone calls. Ask her if she'd go with me. God, she was so cute. And I called her. We knew each other very well. Called her, asked her if she would go with me. And she said, no, I can't.

I'm already dating Mark. And I knew Mark. Mark lived in my neighborhood. I like Mark. You got to kill him now. See, that's that. I got to kill Mark now. Like now that I'm 54 years.

Thin. Oh, I should have killed. You can kill him now too if you want. That's where I'm going with this, Ashley. It's maybe I should have been a dick. This is before I followed the motto, let's be dicks, which is my life motto. I probably should have said, Mark, that dude's a punk. Matter of fact, I'll kick his ass.

But I didn't because I liked Mark so much. She was such a likable guy. So she tells me, sorry, I can't go with you. I'm already going with Mark. And what did I say on the phone? I said, you know what? Mark's a pretty good guy. Good choice.

I'll see you next year. See you in September. Yeah. I get it. I don't know. I should have punked out Mark. I should have told a lie about Mark that he's criminal or something. But instead, I said, you know what?

I like Mark quite a bit too. I'll see you later. Mark has crabs. Yeah. Yeah, for a guy with super herpes. He's pretty good. I wasn't able to think on my feet. back then. I only got really weird

once and it, when I think about it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. That's how I feel about me. And mine was with Louis Varlane when I was obsessed with him and it was my like first ever big deal crush and I would call him

so much on his home phone and like to the point where his parents were like, hey, yeah, you know, stop calling. And this is becoming excessive. His folks told you to stop calling the house. Yeah. But you were a what? What, a fourth grader or something? Even younger than that. And it's so funny because whenever me and my mom talk about this, she always talks about like how he was in love

with me. And I was like, I don't think you understand what happened correctly. I was weird about this. If you're a new listener, Ashley here, one of her very first grade school boyfriends was former Minnesota twin and a World Series participant from last fall, Louis Varlane. Yep. So his mother remembers that he was in love with you? I'm sorry, what did you say? My mom, when I bring up the story, she's like, gosh, yeah, he was so in love with you. Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. I was weird. You know what, Ashley, I get it because we went and saw the twins in Boston last year. And he waved. We waved at him. You know, we got a, we did the tour of Fenway, thanks to Dana. who recommended we do it. I didn't even know as a thing.

And so they were out there practicing. You know, they're tossing the ball around in the outfield. And we were on the green monster. And I saw him and I yelled. I was like, hey, Louie. And he waved back at us. And I fell in love just like you did all those years. I totally get it.

I always remember him just being, because I went to school with him throughout high school as well. Like just the sweetest dude. He's just such a sweetheart, except when he dumped me. Rude. The one who got away. Your mother.

Your mother remembers that he was in love with you. Now that you're getting a little older, Ashley, this is perfect. We can let her in on it, Josh. Josh and I quite a bit older than you. You should know this now. Parents will absolutely alter history. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, Ashley, I could see my mom doing the exact same thing.

The last 10, 12 years of my parents' lives, they altered history. I love this. Stories get told, and you. knowing the stories like my brother and sister and I, we say, wait a minute, that's not at all how it happened. Your parents are getting older now, you should know this. Something happens to their brain where they completely sweep away the truth and alter history.

Oh, I'm excited. If for some reason we're all out and my mom's there, I'll bring up the story I was just telling you about, about this girl. And I bet my mom would say, boy, yeah, I remember I had to get on the phone with her and tell her to stop calling. She was obsessed with you. Yeah, moms do that. They got your back.

They're protective. Well, my mom told a complete false historical story a few years ago. And it really bothered me. And I asked her, I said, do you know me? Do you remember me at all? We were talking about youth sports. And when I played football and hockey, the only reason I showed up was for the violence. I lusted after the violence of the sports, football and hockey.

Cheap shots were my thing. It's the only reason why I laced up a pair of skates is the possibility of hurting another innocent kid on the ice. Football, my goal was to, you know, Randy Shaver comes on and talks about, youth football and you know how it's not just Randy Schaver we get all kinds of stories about concussions and how

you have to be tackling now there's a certain routine to tackling because no one wants to be hurt or hurt somebody I would always aim my helmet for the other guy's chin strap that was just to knock them out yes I mean so I

so one day my mother is sitting around telling these stories of me and my twin brother playing youth sports. And she says to me, in front of people, too, she says, I remember when you walked up to me when you were about 13 years old and you said, Mom, I don't know if I want to play football anymore. I mean, I might get hurt. It's scary out there.

And I mean, I remember looking behind me. Is she talking to somebody else? I said, well, you don't remember anything, do you? So I'm just telling you, they have a completely different idea of what happened. It's a fascinating thing. Prepare yourself for it. Okay, Nick and I have talked off air plenty of times about some stories. You've got to tell some stories.

I'm afraid to. Why are you afraid to? You're a grown man. Okay. Well, there was one time a couple of years ago, my mom, she's a, you wouldn't know it by listening to me, but my mom is a very good storyteller. She's very engaging. Like she can hold a crowd.

She's very funny. I mean, she's good at telling stories. And so for that reason, she's believable. But a few years ago, we were, I think it was in Easter brunch. And my mom, she was captivating the table, telling the story about when I was born and how there was a nurse there that switched me by accident. This is the best. And my mom got in a fight with this, a verbal fight with this woman saying, that's not my son. I know my son's cry.

And apparently they really went at it. And this nurse would not relinquish the fact that she screwed up and switched me at birth. And so again, this is like two years ago. I'm like, Mom, I'm 48 years old. Right. This story would have come up. Right. I couldn't do it anymore.

This is the first I've heard of this when I'm 48 years old. I didn't want to embarrass her in front of people. And I'm like, you can't say something like this. It's a lifetime movie. This would be something that would come up constantly on every birthday, everything. Yes. My dad would say, you know, your mom, she saved you from going to another family or whatever it is. Maybe save as a strong.

Yeah, that would have been a threat when you were a kid. Like, we're going to drop you off with the family that almost had you. One of my buddies has a good one, too. He's a 50-year-old man. He's hanging out with his dad at a family function. His mother was not there because his folks are divorced. So he's 50-year-old man hanging out with his 80-year-old father at a family function. And his father has the room.

You know, his father is telling stories, is how you say it. And his dad says, yeah, you know, Donnie over here, my friend. Boy, he was a tough kid. You know, a good kid, if you could peel him off his mother's lap, always sitting on his mother's lap, always draped on his mother. I didn't think he'd make it, ha, ha, ha, right? He just would never leave his mother's lap. He was such a little mama's boy, right?

And my buddy hears this story. It's the first he's heard of it. Again, like Josh, he doesn't want to embarrass his parent in front of people. So he kind of listens to the story and goes, to himself, he's saying, I didn't know I was that type of a mama's boy. So then he goes back to his mother and he says, Mom, you know, two days later, when I was a little kid, was I always on your lap like hanging on you? Dad was telling a story.

And his mother says, you never sat on my lap once. And then he's thinking, well, then why did dad tell that? What was the purpose of? I wonder if it's the same thing. like with my mom, she's like, oh, I got them. And then she'll just keep going, and the story gets more out there and people are more captivated. You know, BS stories are BS stories. We all tell them, but sometimes you just kind of, where did this come from?

And how, like Josh for saying, how am I 48 years old? And I've never, you had to be there. All right, I suppose. Hey, thanks for indulging me on that whole mixer thing not working. hate when we have technical issues like that. You know, if I have a work stress dream, it's usually something stupid that came out of my mouth that I regret or technical issues. This things aren't working.

I bet you're the mayor of work stress dreams. Oh, you know, I definitely have them. You know what? I just hope are we, oh boy, we're real late. Nobody gives a rat size. I'll tell one story of the stupid news. We'll go home. I have dreams.

Maybe we need a dream analyst, Don. I have dreams like about like we're doing a show and it seems like we're in the middle of a show. And I'm like, God, I just don't have anything. And you guys are knocking it out of the park with these great lines, right? And then I realized like, wait, that was my dream and these guys were destroying and I sucked in my own dream. So I want to know what the heck does that mean. Even in your dreams you suck? Yeah.

Like you guys are doing great. And then I'm in my own dream. But it's like things I thought of. Yeah, exactly. That doesn't make any sense. There's some weird stuff going on. You're technically doing great. You need acupuncture or some type of radical therapy, I think.

Oh, does that help? Yeah, acupuncture and some of that Waiolaska. Ayahuasca. Do one of those darkness retreats. We'll take a break. We'll come back with the stupid news report. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps?

Dana here to once again sing the press. of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get chokeslammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead.

Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-L-K-E-L-L-E-L-L-L-E-L-L-E.

And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal-See. Jacking Benjamin's podcast. Most economists agree. Small amount of inflation is actually good. 2% is what you're going for. But why is everybody freaking out? Oh, because it's the fallout.

People don't track their budget. You have this slow slipping that happens every month. So all of a sudden you go, man, I don't have any money. The reason is now two people go to a restaurant. The bill is $60 for two. Two guys walk into a restaurant. They start screaming. Isn't that hilarious?

$60. Oh! Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. You know, I forgot to say something to you. Or I forgot to say something to our big barrel-ass listening audience. Stay tuned to this operation until 7.30, if you want to crack at some of those Dave Chappelle concert tickets. We'll get you all hooked up with the Dave Chappelle show.

7.30. Anyone here going? No. No, I wish. That sounds awesome. It does sound fun, but sold out Monday night. I can't do Monday night activities. Any weeknight activities, Tom. Honestly, just nighttime activities now.

Occasion I can squeeze in a Thursday night, but that's about it. I need to be on the couch by seven. I don't care if it's Saturday. Today's a Friday. That's nice. A lot of us will probably be ducking into our neighborhood tavern for a few cold ones this weekend. I certainly hope to. I'll tell you right now, we've got damn near back to front all bar-related material coming up for today's stupid news report.

Almost all bar-related. Just remember, next time you see us, the first round is on you. Don't forget. Very important. Yeah, it's bar-related. Philadelphia, born and raised. Josh, when you grew up there, where did you spend most of your days? Playground.

Was it not the playground? Yep. That's where we're going to go first year. Philadelphia, a well-known popular beer hall there in Philly has upped and at least temporarily decided that you've got to be 25 years old to even walk into the joint. and apparently that's because the staff is tired of all the college-aged J.Brones and their fake IDs. Did you ever catch someone with the fake when you were bartending, Ashley? Or at least suspected it. I'm going to guess you never.

I suspected it, but I'm like, whatever. I was just going to guess you never cared. No. No. Not your problem. I'd kind of treat them like a little differently. like kind of be suspicious so that then they would tip me because they know like oh if I don't she's going to snitch well I found the only people like cared if there's a fake ID where the

bouncers that could get you know cash per each one they pull oh I'm sorry what happened so say if you're bouncing you snake fake five fake IDs there's like a bounty for getting fake IDs to save the place from getting uh oh oh really really they make money yeah like the the manager or we'll tip them out extra for pulling a fake ID from somebody. I'd have to ask my brother about that. He was a bouncer at a couple different joints. One of the joints he bounced at was, as my dad used to say, Deja View.

We used to get absolutely geeked when somebody would get their fake ID taken when I worked at a restaurant. So we'd all go in the back and help my boss figure out if it was fake or not. Because, I mean, at that point, they're already screwed. So I'm like, all right, I'll join in on the fun. And so it was so much fun because she'd, She'd pull up Facebook. She'd look at all their social media to see what kind of.

And most of them would have a picture of them. You know, they just graduated high school this last year on their profile. I was just so much fun to them watching her go up and be like, nope, not happening. I remember my brother came home from a side gig. He took a side bouncing gig on New Year's Eve. Oh, hey, that's good money, though, I bet. We were young guys like 21, 22. he was bouncing.

And he took a gig. Maybe we were a little older. It doesn't matter. He took a side gig on New Year's Eve, downtown Minneapolis, came home about 5 o'clock in the morning, covered in blood. None of it was his. Did you ask any questions? Oh, I heard all the stories.

I don't know if I would have asked. It was horrible. He was just picking people up over his head and throwing them out. He was just nonstop, fights everywhere, throwing everybody out. He was just covered in plasma. I don't know if I've told you this before, Nick, But my dad, when he was younger and he was a bouncer. I think he did mention that.

And, yeah, he has some crazy stories like that. Yeah, I mean, there was a time where if a customer needed to be removed, it was by any means. By any means, things have changed. Your dad's a very, I bet nobody messed with your dad. No, and it's funny because, obviously, he never really told me these stories growing up. And so I learned about this when, you know, the last couple years. And he has a lot of regret about his bouncing days.

I'm like, who are you? Went a little too far, you mean? Yeah. Well, sometimes, and again, I'm basing my take on the stories I heard from my brother and another good friend of ours was also a bouncer. It was the boss's orders or you're fired. Yeah. Well, we already knocked this guy out and removed all of his team.

That's not enough, the boss would say, right? Oh, man. By the way, I'm not afraid of your dad at all. I am. He's very intimidating. Her dad was a bouncer. My mom's a spinner. I wanted to go after one of your moms, but then I felt bad about it.

What? I had to go after somebody's mom. You just went after your own mother and called her a spinner? I had no choice. I don't feel right about it. What do you mean you don't have a choice? Because I wanted to throw a your mom joke out there, and I was going to go after Ashley's mom. No, you can't do that to that lady.

But I can't do that. Hey, you tell your old man what I said, Ashley. I don't want to. Charity boxing match. He's probably listening right now. You tell him. Your dad, I mean, like your dad's first punch is probably just a stare. Your dad is very intimidating.

I know. I love it. I was never messed with as a kid. Oh, I can't even imagine. I can't imagine. If anybody saw your dad, they're going to mess with this. Oh, and your dad and all your brothers, no way. Oh, that's the other thing.

How many brothers do you have again? Five. It's awesome. See if we can get through this story without Josh making any more derogatory sexual comments about his own mother. Yeah, it's not right, but I wanted a mom joke out there. A bar in Philadelphia has temporarily said, if you're not 25 or older, you can't even walk into our bar because they're tired of the fake ID parade. They say, and I've heard these stories, that fake IDs are so easy. to get your hands on nowadays and so sophisticated

that lots and lots of young kids have been walking into this bar in Philly and fooling everybody. So the bar is more or less saying, F you young people, if you want to drink here, now you've got to go get yourself a new fake identification and you've got to make yourself 25. Yeah, I wonder with AI if it's easier than ever.

I'm sure it is. I mean, I guess I wouldn't know how to print it on anything that seemed legit. I've heard it's a snap of a damn finger for the, young people now to get themselves a fake ID off of the godless internet. But that's just what I've heard from buddies of mine who have, you know, 19, 20-year-old kids. They've all got them. It was even pretty easy when I got my fake ID.

Well, did you, so the people that I knew with fake IDs was their older siblings. Did you know somebody, Ashley, like, would make them with your name and everything? I used the dark web. Yeah, I had to like download. The same place you buy kidneys and what? Yeah, I had to, like, download a special. browser and like remember that's how I like had all that

Bitcoin for a while See when I was in high school in the late 80s there was one kid at our high school who was notorious for being able to create fake IDs Now that would be cool like the movies You go up to him in school Give him a couple He also drove a red Mustang

Are you seriously? He looked like Buddy Holly This kid Why didn't I grow up in that era? Looking back I swear to God this dude must have been 35 years old I think he was an under cover cop like 21 jump street but there was one one kid at our school who was notorious infamous for being able to create fake IDs they were garbage the quality was garbage but it was 1987 but I mean my brother

and I didn't have the money for that but there were there were kids who paid him lots of money for that fake when did they start scanning IDs I have no idea couldn't tell you was that a thing when you guys no no no they just read the uh birth of date How do they say that, Judge? Date of birth? They don't even look at like my actual ID barely ever.

They just scan the back. And I'm like, how do you know? I only wanted one just to get in and watch bands. I would, you know, I've never really drank or cared too much about that. But there were so many bands who would come to town. I wasn't old enough. I don't like the look you're giving me right now. I would think you'd understand.

Like, I want to go. I want to see Doc in at the Iron Horse. No, honestly, I get it. If your mother wasn't such a hot piece of ass. Don't talk about my mom that way. I just wanted to go in and see some rock pans. I did. Diesel-fueled Jesus said his 19-year-old son has three fake IDs.

Why? Why does he have to have so many? Oh, I guess if one gets taken. I suppose backup plan and then a backup plan to the backup plan. I felt really dumb when I got my fake ID because it, After I ordered it, I did Illinois. You could choose whatever state. And I learned very quickly like, hey, yeah, that's not a good one to choose because every bar around here knows that.

It was like the easiest to duplicate. So that was like the number one fake ID people would have. I'd be afraid they'd say, oh my gosh, I'm from Illinois. You know, and then you'd have to come up with some Illinois facts as if you grew up there. I will say it wasn't like the movies. It was a little bit easier. for me personally, because you could put all your own information in. So I could put that my name was my actual name.

I put my real, actually, I didn't put my real birthday or, you know, the actual like Halloween. Because I thought they wouldn't believe me on a fake ID. Oh, if it was Halloween, your birthday isn't? Yeah, they'd be like, yeah, right. Diesel fuel Jesus says his 19-year-old son has three fake IDs. Does he have a daughter that's just a touch-over? older. Josh wants to know. No, I don't want to know.

All right, we got to get to this here. Dirty Franks. That's the name of the bar in Philadelphia, who's now made it a rule. You've got to be 25 even to walk into the joint. They're hoping the new rule will dummy down the number of underage rookies coming in there, getting wrecked, and puking all over the damn place. The co-owner of the joint goes by the name of Jody. She says, the last straw, the breaking point.

came when an underage kid came into the bar with an ID that said he was 24, and the picture on the ID was that of one of the founding fathers of the United States. Ben F. Me. Running Franklin was the picture on his ID. Ben Franklin. I want to be friends with whoever this kid is. I mean, that's funny and all, but you're not going to get away with that. Wait, you changed your name to McLevin? McLevin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogel?

What are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer? Oh, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there. And you landed on Mcloven. Why don't you pick a common name like a normal person? It doesn't even have a first name. It just says McLevin. What name? Who are you, Seale?

I heard a rumor that he was actually upset during that scene. What's the Jonah Hill? Upset? Yeah, like he was actually like angry at McLevin for, some other reason or whatever. The actor. You talk about real world behind the scenes. They were angry with each other.

And so it helped during that scene. I liked Fogel. So not only did this kid, not only did this kid in Philadelphia have Ben Franklin on his ID, the picture, but the ID even listed the Liberty Bell as the home address. So that's when this bar and the owner said, you know, F this.

we're done playing with these damn kids. She said the bar has been seeing a pile of young people lately. 20, 30 at a time, the owner said. It was really odd. There have also been some other behavioral concerns at the bar. Like vaping, some of the kids have been bringing in their own drinks. It's not Wisconsin. I've seen that move.

I've seen that before from people way older than 20. Have you really? Oh, yeah. I don't go to bars. Walking in with your own frigging beer? What the hell is this? What are you doing? Also, of course, since they're young people, they barf all over the place.

And they come off with the mouth. Cute. Has the, has vaping become less popular? I don't see it as much as it. I don't notice it as often. It has not? No. Okay.

It's very, very popular still. The regular fully grown customers at Dirty Franks have been getting aggravated. And any good bar owner knows you've got to look out for the interests of your regular drinkers. One old timer, you'll like this guy. One old timer who drinks at Dirty Franks. He said, they don't know how to drink. They drink way too much.

They yell, they scream, they throw up on the floor. That reminds me to be 19 and 20. So the bar is currently looking into buying what they call here, more advanced equipment capable of better detecting fake identity. so they can go back to do the 21 and up routine. Security Jesus said you should see the amount of fakes we find in casinos. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, but I never even considered that.

Boy, I couldn't wait to be 18 to go out to Mystic. Yeah, I remember thinking that was so cool. Me too. Never cared for that whole gimmick. Oh, really? Nope. When we turned 18, all we wanted to do was go see naked girls. Ah, yeah.

We did that, too. Gambling was not a thing in my neighborhood. I'd imagine you had the same. same experience at the Vue as I did when you turned 18? Meeting what? When you first go there as an 18-year-old, the same experience where you were very intimidated and felt like maybe I shouldn't be here? I suppose.

There was a little bit of that. Oh, really? I thought maybe you'd be the opposite. Oh, I don't know. I mean, I guess I don't remember. I thought, I'm not ready for this. These girls are aggressive. You mean the naked women?

Yes. Oh, I thought you meant like the crowd in general. Oh, no, it wasn't very busy when we went. I have vague memories of my first time. The crowd might have intimidated me a little bit, but the ladies did not. I welcomed them, or they welcomed me. That's the first time I ever experienced, first and only time I ever experienced the table dance. Table dance.

Do they still do that? I have no idea. I mean, the last time I was at the Voo was with you and Derek, and that was many, many years ago. It was just the three of us, the dancers, and like one 70-year-old guy. There was nobody there. What time of day was this? Like three, four in the afternoon. When we were 18-year-old kids, that joint was always packed.

You know, we'd go there at, you know, one, two in the morning. You know, it was always packed. Boy, I was so intimidated. By the women. Oh, God. Oh, I mean, I know you. I can believe it. You're still intimidated by that.

So aggressive. Yeah. So aggressive. I'd never, never experienced anything like that. I'm surprised you even really walked in there. I was very curious, as an 18-year-old kid. I'm surprised you even conjured or not. up the confidence to walk in there.

There's a big enough group of us where I was confident. Maybe confidence is the wrong word, but I was willing to walk through the threshold there. All right, by damn, now we've made our way over to Japan. We've got a couple different stories to tell you from Japan, a magical place. I want to go. Where 80s rockers are still treated like gods, Japan. There's a roadhouse in Japan. Now, they're going the other way, if you compare them to that beer hall I was just telling you about in Philadelphia.

They're going the other way. It says here this bar in Japan has a sign out front that says if you're 40 or over, go F yourself. You can't walk into the joint if you're 40 or beyond. What do you think of that, Ashley, as a young person? Whatever. I mean, I don't really care. I like hanging out with people that are 40 and up, so I probably wouldn't go there.

I'm not afraid to go there. Yeah, I'm not like, that sounds, I don't know, I feel like that sounds so dushy, but I'm not the biggest fan of being at a bar that's full of people around my age. I'd prefer to walk in and it's like three old guys talking about the newspaper. If you're 40 year over, you cannot walk into this bar in Japan. I don't have a name for the bar, let's call it Donnie's. There's a sign out front Donnie's that said, this is a bar for the younger generation. Donies only accepts spokes between the ages of 20 and 39.

And the owner of Donnie says things are going well. The owner said something along the lines of, we always got a younger crowd up in here. The problem was older folks would come in here to drink and all the older people would do is bitch about the younger people. So we're not letting the gray hairs in here anymore. I think there's a win-win for everybody. A younger character in the bar was asked about this rule

and that young kid said, we can enjoy ourselves now without worrying about tired-ass old people. So there you go. The younger crowd can play Pokemon and eat Tidepods and take selfies without being bothered by the older folks at Donnie's bar. They can stare at their telephones and mumble back and forth. They can abstain from sex. All the things that young people like to do,

they can do it here freely without old people judging them. I'm trying to remember, you know, 30 years ago when I was in my 20s. If that's something I would, I don't think I ever would have cared, like the age, how old people were at the bar. I mean, obviously, as long as they're 21 and over. Outside of that, I don't think I would have cared. I remember in college looking at some guys in like their 30s hanging out of the campus

bars. What are you doing, dude? That's weird. That's a little different. Yeah, maybe it depends on the place, right? If you're at like tropics back in the day and you saw like somebody that was much older than maybe they should have been there. Right.

I could see where that might be a little bit. Well, you know, there were two different worlds for me. When I stayed home and went to the Wise at a Legion, I'm drinking with people who are 28 and 88. Yeah. When I'd go up to St. Cloud State and you go to the clubs there, everyone's 21, 22, 23. And when you wouldn't see a 35-year-old that did look odd in that setting. Yeah. I think it depends if the bar serves food.

If the bar serves food, all right, that makes sense. But if it's just drinking and you're watching a bunch of 19-year-old girls out of the corner of your eye, yeah. You can go home. Like, yeah, when it's foam dancing night. Yeah. And there's always that dude, right? I used to, the bar I used to work at, we used to do a late night. And so we were open until like 2 in the morning.

And there was always that, that older dude that would come in and sit at a table by himself and just watch people. Well, isn't the term the old guy at the club? Don't they kind of say that? It is. Well, I remember being 32, 33 years old in a pack of my buddies who we, used to run wild at St. Cloud State 13 years prior, right? We're 33, 34, and this group of guys

I used to hang out up at St. Claude State calls me and says, we're going up there for a couple of nights. Let's do it again. And I said, absolutely not. No. You're going to catch a case. I felt that way. A couple of years ago, I went out with our big kids to a bar next to the YAC. Well, Grand Casino Reno now.

G-SPOT. We were over there, and it was all people in their 20s. and I felt very uncomfortable. I felt like the old guy at the club. Me and my wife, you know, first and foremost, we don't really do that kind of thing a lot. And I felt completely uncomfortable. And eventually, one of their friends was so drunk, like a, you know,

23-year-old, I just said, I got to get out of him. Yeah, he can't be in that situation. I can't be around this. He's a nearly 50-year-old man. You're like, text me when you get home. That's pretty much what it was. To me a ride, I can get you some fries. In my opinion, there are circumstances involved.

Like Dana was saying, at a college campus. bar, I would feel odd spending too much time there. Right. And when I was a kid, I would have thought it was odd if an older person spent too much time there. Yeah. Your hometown bar, it's all ages. Downtown, if you just had a random downtown bar, I don't think it's weird to see a 70-year-old and a 20-year-old drink.

So it depends on the scene. Yeah, I don't know what this place is. The place seemed very hip, and it was all, you know, people quite a bit younger than my wife and I, So I just thought, ah, shoot, maybe we're not cut out for this place. I've even felt weird, Josh, when I've walked into an establishment. And it's like a bunch of 21-year-olds. I'm like, this is just, I'm not fitting in here. This is weird.

You know, I've told you this before. My dad used to drink with us when we were kids, you know. He didn't care if me and my bros sat with him and drank beer all night long. But there was one time we were out of town, out-of-town hockey tournament. And my dad's sitting there drinking Budweiser with me and my hockey teammates. And then Edina, the Edina team showed up to party with us. And now there's like 35, 17-year-old kids drinking beer in this little hotel room with my dad. And my dad drained his last Budweiser and said, I've got to get the hell out of here before I go to jail.

All right, one more bar to tell you about. It's also in Japan. Tenshoku-Sodan bar, a little more of a mouthful than Donnie's. But it's another Japanese joint. I'm going to try and make sense of this because I've never heard of a joint. like this. It's a watering hole that's apparently for people who are thinking about quitting their jobs. Again, the proper name is the Ten Shoku, Sadan Bar, but the nickname they've given the joint

is the job-changing consultation bar. So here's the deal. The bartenders are all counselors from a job staffing service. That's so specific. This is a cool idea, I think. How original. So, you know, these folks, the bartenders can help you land a new job. And the drinks are free.

Oh. They just opened earlier this month, this here job-changing consultation bar. Their whole gimmick, they want to be a place where you can talk with a career guidance professional in a more loose type of a way, just to set in that a bar drain in a few. They aim to be unlike a recruiting agency or an employment agency. That's what they're going for. You don't have to have already full-on made up your mind that you're going to have. to quit your current job in order to walk in there and have a drinky drink, even if you're on the fence about it.

You can just set jaw jack with one of these bartenders slash counselors. And you can tell them what's going on. You can talk freely about your current boss being an ass hat. You can talk about your coworker that sucks at his job. You can talk about the inappropriate moment you and the boss's daughter had at the Christmas party. You need to bring in, no need, sorry, no need to bring in your. resume or wear a suit or any of that nonsense.

So you need to make a reservation. And then you got an hour to set down and drink and bitch. And like I said, drinks are on the house. Almost seems like therapy. Yeah, I mean, if you're in a situation like that, that seems pretty cool. The venting about coworkers part and stuff like that, for sure. Oh, wait, wait, one more. Josh.

Did you select this year next piece to be featured in today's Stupid News report, mainly because of the mugshot that goes along with the story? It is a very good mug shot. This kid's mug shot is a keeper. Do you know which one we're talking about yet, Ashley? I might have sent it to you a couple days ago. The kid whose face is a disaster? That's usually all mugshots.

All right. Let me see. Josh, let's it to me. Here's why I thought, Josh, you included it just for the mugshot. because this kid, he looks like you do when you drink. Yeah, he does. I'm sure our listeners have heard me mention this before.

When Josh drinks alcohol, and I mean as soon as he takes the first sip, one side of your face begins to slide off of your skull and one of your eyes begins to fall out of the socket. It's terrible and it happens instantly. It does. And this kid's mugshot, half his face is going one way, the other half is going in the opposite direction. Yeah, it looks like the same brain isn't controlling his eyes.

Right. They can't figure out where to go. So I'm sorry, I missed it. Is it up on our website or not? It's about to be. It's about to be. The story is the kid walked out on a bar tab. It doesn't matter.

This kid's face is an adventure. And I'd like everyone to get a look at it. 93X.com. Sports. On the 93X half-assed morning show. As I've grown older, Each year I've dropped holidays from my calendar that I don't think apply anymore. And this year, I'm proud to say that I dropped Valentine's Day.

Now, let's get it clear things up. I'm not saying we shouldn't have a holiday of love. Just not in February. It doesn't belong there. It does not belong there. And if you ladies want this holiday, because it's your... holiday, we're not going to even argue about that, are we? Because if you don't realize that men don't give a . And they don't. And if your husband is telling you that he does, then

you have tortured him like some kind of prisoner of war. How many years ago did Gallagher die? That's not Gallagher. That wasn't Gallagher? No, no, no, no. He's been dead for years. Gallagher has been. I wish I would have went to a Gallagher show, though. My pal, Big Phil, went to see Gallagher. Was he in the splash row? Yeah, he got watermelon all over him and things like that.

Big Phil. I'll ask Big Phil this weekend about this. Probably 40 years ago he went to see Gallagher. It was great. I loved Gallagher. You did, huh? You didn't like Gallagher? Not really, no.

I thought everybody liked Gallagher. Not everybody liked Gallagher. Who didn't like? Oh, you didn't like Gallagher. It's supposed to be a sports report. We'll fill you in in all the Olympic stuff. When Randy Shaver dives in here about a half hour, the Olympic hockey team,

what else is going on? There's some stuff going on with the Golden Gophers. I mean, we're loaded. Surely we are. I mean, I'm being honest. At 7.30, we're going to be left. I just don't feel the need to squeeze it. I can tell you this right now,

while we were having a conversation about bouncers earlier. Where did you bounce again when you were young, Josh? What joints did you bounce at? Like just trampolines randomly around the neighborhood. That's about it for me. That's fun. A listener texted in and said, A bouncer once told him,

this is how you do the job. Be nice until it's time to not be nice. The name was Dalton. What a wonderful movie. What did I hear last night? Did you see the remake? Maybe I shouldn't call it a remake. No, of course I didn't see the remake of.

Give me the name of the movie. Roadhouse. The other night I'm watching the Timberwolves. Timberwool. Jim Peterson tells the viewing audience that Flip Saunders' favorite movie was Roadhouse. I could see what. Wonderful.

Fun fact. That's cool. I mean, more reason to miss that man, Flip Song. So like I said, I promise you, we got lots coming up at 7.30. But we got to get to Josh's news. There's no time.

Dana. Sometimes when I blow my nose, I get a boner. I don't know why. It just happens. Half-assed morning show. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning.

I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com.

Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today.

or go to Bialki law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Vince Colon-A's is redefining news talk. I'm Vince Colon-A's host of the Vince podcast. I'm bringing you the truth beneath the headlines of all of the nation's top stories. In-depth interviews.

We feature newsmaking interviews with the top guests on the whole planet. And I'll ask the questions you only dream of other interviewers asking. And a front row seat to the most important conversations of the day. It's a show with an obsessive focus on what's good for America, you are going to love Vince. The Vince Show, follow and listen on your favorite platform.

Half-assed morning show. 93X. Come quick, please. Okay, how many people are fighting? There's about 20 people. Any weapons? No, no. I mean, somebody hit somebody with a pickleball paddle, hit somebody in the head.

History's fiercest conflicts have started over land, power, and ideology, but not typically between retirees holding graphite paddles. However, we begin today in the bloodthirsty world of recreational pickleball. A fight broke out at the Spruce Creek Country Club after 11 a.m. on the pickleball court and involved over 20 individuals, which is an impressive turnout for something usually marketed as tennis but calmer. The game between a 63-year-old man and a 163-year-old man and a... his 51-year-old wife and another couple got heated when the man accused the opposing players of stepping into the kitchen, a 7-foot-by-20-foot restricted area intended to prevent aggressive

close-range net smashing. That's what turned me off to pickleball, the kitchen. Yeah, you can't throw it back in someone's face. Yeah, that's the only rule that really drove me away. It sucks. The kitchen sucks. The first time I played, I think you played before. And really well. Yeah, very well. Yeah. I would keep forgetting that. You have to let it bounce.

You got to remember the kitchen, Cubby. You got to remember the game. But they should eliminate that from the game. It would be even more popular than it is today. Verbal volleys were exchanged, and after the match ended and the other couple was walking away, the man reportedly called the other player's wife the C-word. That's a keeper. Yeah.

That is generally considered poor sportsmanship in most rule books. Hey, you're not messing around at that point. Yeah, that's going nuclear. Yep. And then they attacked the couple, the man and his wife. They attacked the other couple, igniting a 20-person senior citizen pickle brawl in orthopedic footwear. The 63-year-old is also accused of forcefully pushing the victim's wife to the ground when she attempted to help her husband. And a 70-year-old who tried to break up the fight was punched in the face, dang near causing him to bleed out from a nosebleed.

The old Nebraska nose salsa started pouring out of his schnaz. A witness told police, she called 911, After seeing the man punched the other husband and hit him with a pickleball paddle as both men fell, that man and his wife were both arrested. Again, these are people in their, well, 51-year-old wife, 63-year-old husband, and everybody else is in their 60s and 70s. They say this is going to be the next big spectator sport, and I'll tell you what, if it keeps up like that, I can understand why.

Nick, I was just going to say, if I'm Triple H right now, I'm calling all 20 of those senior citizens and get him in the ring at WrestleMania. I'll tell you what, I have a couple of friends who work someplace that has pickleball courts and they said the fights and the clicks, it's usually old people who are out there just like going nuts. Yeah. Seen it in a couple tournaments where people were getting, these weren't old people, but getting pretty frustrated over charity events.

That's the best. When they get pissed off over a charity event. If you guarantee me something like that, I'll watch. A man's accused of intentionally driving his pickup truck into a group of youth baseball players and their families were fundraising outside a California Safeway store. According to a GoFundMe set up for the Tahoe Titans baseball team, the boys were doing what small town kids do best, working hard and supporting each other, it said.

The kids were selling jerky outside the supermarket Saturday to raise money for an upcoming trip to Cooper's Town. Nice. Through teamwork, tenacity, and terriaki, they collected $2,000 by 2 p.m. But then the unthinkable happened. A man drove his truck into the table and ran over the boys and the moms. Oh, my God.

Sending two kids and a mother to the hospital by ambulance. Our poor boys are traumatized. So you guys were just trying to fundraise to give these kids a great experience, and this happened. A photo shared on GoFundMe shows a pickup truck stopped against the side of the store, shattered glass, visible damage. Some of the victims later spoke on camera describing the moments leading up to that crash. Everybody was so friendly, but this one was very out of place and very unkind. He mumbled something and I made a weird face with his tongue.

Put a cigarette out on one of her signs and walked into the store. He came back out and gave us a terrible look and mumbled something we don't know. In total, at least seven people were injured in the crash, three players, three parents, and another family member. The allegations this act was intentional and directed at kids is hard to comprehend, said Jesse Wilson, the Nevada County District Attorney. Our office will work through the criminal justice process, and if the evidence supports the charges, do everything we can. can, to the fullest extent of the law, to hold 49-year-old Jonathan Moore accountable, send a clear message this behavior has no place in society, and protect the public from further harm. So they unfortunately crossed paths with like a sick maniac.

Yeah, and they said there was no words exchange. They said nothing to him. Yeah, totally out of his mind. Yep. Outside of just being a massive butt face, a possible motive. I'm sorry to use such language. A possible motive for the man's actions has not been released. Yeah, he's insane. That's pretty much, yeah. Yeah. He's just a guy that is not very good at life. Police in Alberta responded to a school where a man was seeing tossing its meat,

spreading his sermon all over the place. Mounties recalled about a man reportedly acting strangely yesterday, and this certainly qualifies. The 39-year-old was seen throwing beef jerky and yelling Bible verses at students. When the principal approached to see what the commotion was about, the man pulled a cap gun and fired three shots at the Canadian, before he concluded his devotional display of dry deli drama and took off in a car. Officers tracked down the vehicle, and after a chase that involved police dogs and a helicopter, they stopped the man on a private farm where he was arrested for whipping his meat in public

and flinging his sermon at students. A Florida woman, irate over some unauthorized family bonding, repeatedly stabbed her baby's father after discovering he'd been enthusiastically stooping her sister. Yeah. Cops arrived in an apartment complex where several residents swore they heard gunfire from the first floor. Instead, officers found a victim decorated with scrapes and cuts. He said 41-year-old Jacqueline Rodriguez used a knife on him during a physical altercation, and he was attacked, adding with admirable understatement, this wasn't called for.

He was right. He then clarified the relationship for the record identifying the suspect as his, quote, baby mom. Mama. According to the victim, Rodriguez became upset after learning he was having sex with her sister. A fight followed. She pulled a knife and the situation did not improve. She attacked, stabbing him repeatedly with the same enthusiasm he'd repeatedly shown her sister. It's believed Miss Rodriguez tried to cause great bodily harm in permanent disfigurement, police wrote. The victim refused to make a sworn statement, but cops took photos of his injuries and arrested Rodriguez as around 1 a.m. Sunday. If consistency counts for anything, she's certainly staying on brand.

She's also facing burglary and grand theft charges after she and a man stole $14,000 worth of items from a vehicle after a car crash occurred about three months before. Who's this man? Yeah, 14 grand worth of stuff in their car? That's a lot. Well, I often have thought of sex with your wife's sister. I've often thought of that as that's a good way to get stabbed. Yep. You know?

It does seem like pretty, almost a guarantee, doesn't it? A stabable offense. Good way to get stabbed. I would think even joking about it could get you at least slapped. Not a very good idea. If you've got the urge to take your partner on a spirited trip to Pound Town, maybe for Valentine's Day, you might want to hurry up and make a move because the small town of Pound, Virginia, is edging ever closer to dissolving its charter. threatening to shut Poundtown down for good.

At the most recent Pound Town Council meeting, that is, the vote came in tight, a 3-2 decision to let the town attorney explore the terms of the potential disincorporation. So residents say if you want to visit Poundown, you better come quick. Council member Clinton Cathorne, who's been leading the push to bring things to a finish, says the effort comes down to taxes. For years, he says residents have been paying increasingly higher, taxes with little payoff in return. So they want to change the name of the town?

Yeah, they're just not going to be a town anymore. Just not going to be a town. They'll be enveloped by a larger town. Somebody else will swallow them up. They said their taxes are getting out of control. And they think by being a part of a larger community that might make things a little more affordable. I heard your neck, Dana.

Somebody's neck. Yeah, I heard it too. Did you? Yeah. I think I'm going to earblind to it at this point. It happens so often. Yeah, the neck thing? It does happen a lot.

It's comforting at this point, Dana. It's a part of the show now. It's a character. It's just saying hi. My neck saying hi to everybody. A 79-year-old man in Florida is accused of getting so ticked off at a Walmart employee for her supposed lack of hospitality that he brandished a firearm at her from his mobility scooter calling her a series of derogatory names.

What a tough guy. Pasquell Santana was shopping in the store's jewelry section on a motorized scooter at about 11 a.m. when he approached the victim working behind one of the counters. He asked to see several different pieces of jewelry at once. However, the store is a policy limiting customers to viewing just one piece of jewelry at a time. And here we go. Which the victim explained to Santana, but he didn't like that one bit. He became upset because he felt the victim wasn't providing good service

and started to speak aggressively toward her, quote-unquote, calling the victim a series of derogatory names. Sea word? No, like maybe numn nuts, Buttmunch, fart noodle. Those are some classics. Cueef cookie, ass cactus, snicker dick. Sophisticated vocabulary like that. The victim said she again explained the store maintained a policy

only allowing her to show one piece of jewelry to a customer at a time and apologize and said this is store policy. But he still wasn't cool with it. Dude called the gal a snicker dick? It's possible. I was just, I'm guessing. Santana responded by telling the victim she had a bad attitude and needed to fix it. A bold bit of feedback from a man about to pull a gun.

After the victim explained to the defendant, yet again, she was unable to show him multiple pieces of jewelry at the same time. How many different ways can I explain this to you? She was very polite, they said. I mean, it's all on camera. I would love to show you as much as you want, but this is our policy. At that point, he opened his shirt, revealing a firearm in his waistband, showed it to the victim and stated,

Are you scared now? But Santana wasn't so smooth because that's what alerted store security. When questioned by the Miami-Dade Sheriff's Office, Santana denied he was the individual who appeared clearly in the Walmart security footage. Following his failed

defense strategy rooted in optimism and imagination, the video was enough for cops to outfit Santana with some jewelry to try on, a pair of handcuffs, which he wore to jail. Yeah, we're in trouble. Yeah, I mean, how does a person not understand

that? It's just I had a loss. Yeah. There's no explaining some of this kind of stuff, Josh. It's just, it's over. Yeah. There's no reason to try to figure it out. It's over.

That's it. Yeah. We just give up. Let's see. I'm giving up. Are you? I gave up a while. Yeah.

Ashley and I gave up a long time ago. There's hope. We don't care anymore. You know, look at it this way. It's making news because this is not, well, maybe it is an everyday occurrence. But it seems like it's probably not an everyday occurrence. It is. It's every day.

Regal Cinemas is taking a stab at bringing the Friday the 13th movies back to theaters on the three Friday the 13th of 2026. Beginning today with the deadly double strike of the original Friday the 13th and Friday the 13th part two. One of those stars, Corey Feldman, I believe it's the second one. No, it's the fourth or the fifth one. What? They go that far before they got Feldman in there? I believe so. Maybe I'm thinking of Kevin Bacon.

Kevin Bacon's in, I think, yeah, the first one. I've never seen a full Friday the 13th. Oh, I've seen well. They're a decent amount of fun. So they're re-releasing the first and second one today, Summers. Yes, regal cinemas. Regal. The terror refuses to stay buried.

On Friday, March 13th, the blood-chilling return continues as Friday the 13th, part three rises again in haunting 3D, followed by the franchise's grim fourth descent, Friday the 13th, the final chapter, which we now know was not. Dana, why did they wait so long before they included Feldman? I don't know. They also waited too long to include Crisp and Glover because he's also in that one. Crispin Glover, of course. I remember his presence in one of the Friday. Absolutely.

Then finally on November 13th, it delivers one last resurrection that Friday. Friday the 13th, Part 6, Jason lives. One chapter, however, remains sealed in the shadows. Part 5 is being left behind because the killer lurking there wore Jason's mask. but wasn't Jason. Not a copy cat. So they're skipping that one. Oh, okay.

Here's what's hitting theaters this week. In cold storage, Liam Neeson stars as one of two late-shift employees at a self-storage facility who discovers their quiet night turning into a full-blown nightmare when a parasitic fungus once sealed away by the government escapes containment. Crime 101 based on the 2020 novella puts Chris Hubba-Hubba-Hemworth at the center of a tense Los Angeles crime story, where a determined detective hunts an elusive thief plotting one last high-stakes heist with the help of an insurance broker. And in good luck, have fun, don't die, a man claiming to be from the future, storms a Los Angeles diner and takes hostages,

desperate to recruit a group of unlikely heroes to stop the world from ending. Randy Moss 49 today. Tony texted earlier to wish his grandma marry a very happy 105th birthday. Damn. Wow, happy birthday. Who is that now? Tony's grandma. Tony Grandma.

Tony Grandma. I bet she's still parties, too. Oh, yeah, I bet she's fun to be around. She could tell some stories. Happy more or less birthday to my dude, mostly fixing stuff, Jesus. It's close enough, says Hot Coco Sheez. This person who's his book collector, Jesus, wants to wish his son, Dawson, aka Doss Boss, a happy eighth birthday tomorrow.

And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. Here comes Jack Hughes. He was dropping it back off the quaint behind the back path. He gets back to Jack Hughes. And Brock Nelson gets the second of the period off a beautiful pass there from Jack Hughes. Yeah, the United States Hockey Club got her done yesterday, Randy Schaver.

Certainly did. Or the day before. I can't keep track the time difference. I don't know if it was it yesterday. Yes, it was. Yes, it was yesterday. A couple of goals were scored by Brock Nelsonowski from up in War Road, if I'm not mistaken. Am I right about that?

state of hockey, Brock Nelsonowski. War Road? Or is it Eastview? Eastview, War Road. I don't know which one it was. War Road. War Road. But before all Olympic hell cuts loose here, Randy, on our Friday broadcast,

there's a show next week, and everybody's talking about it, and we can hook a fool up real quick right now on the Luther-Blovington Kia text line. Text truth. TR-U-T-H to 651-9-893-93 for a chance to win tickets to Dave Chappelle. Now that's next Monday. It's fun.

Yeah, at Grand Casino Arenas. You can go to our website if you want any more information on this show. Thank you to the folks from Live Nation for providing the prize. Again, the word is truth. Do you have a favorite joke you'd like to tell us, Randy, before we continue on? I don't. You don't? I am not a good joke teller.

I wish I was. I envy people who can just rattle jokes off one after another. I'm just not that guy. Well, Josh has always said you're not really a funny guy. No, I've always said not a nice guy. Oh, not a nice guy. I never said funny guy. If you come up with one, Randy.

If I come up with one? With your favorite joke. I'll guarantee you I will not because I just can't remember good jokes. Just holler at us if you need us. I love to watch comedians. on my phone. Yeah. But I couldn't repeat the jokes if I tried.

So. Hey, the Canadians also won. The high-maintenance Canadians also won their hockey game yesterday. They beat somebody. Chechia? I think that's how that's pronounced. They beat them five-nothing. Five-nothing.

So what I have here in front of me, it looks like the American hockey club plays again tomorrow against Denmark. Ah, for Pete's sake. And then Sunday, back-to-back games now. Sunday, they got to play the frigging Germans. And then they're done with the... Pool play. Preliminary rounds, pool play.

Yes, that whole smear. I didn't get a chance to watch the boys play yesterday. But so I... Hopefully I get a crack at it tomorrow or Sunday. And then we're looking at a three-day weekend, Randy Shabber. Don't bother getting out of bed on Monday. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. President's Day, baby. Nobody told you that. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah. Is that what it is? It is president. We would have sent you a text message after the show was over, I think, Randy.

We would have gotten to you before. Gotcha. You know, at the end of the day, I think about women. Probably not alone on that. You know, it's always at the end of the. day when you can do nothing about it. I think about women's bodies, you know. Yes.

Maybe all that will change. Maybe I'll end up sleeping with old goalies, I mean, things being what they are. Who knows? A 38-year-old goaltender, Leonardo Janoni, he is playing hockey in these winter games. He's playing hockey for Switzerland. And yesterday, day before, The Swiss defeated the French in men's hockey,

and 38-year-old Leonardo Giannone became the oldest goalie, I think, in the history of Olympic hockey, to post a shutout. Wow. He had 27 saves in the Swiss victory over the French. And I think the Swiss team now plays a game against the Canadians. That's right. Today, actually, this afternoon.

Today. You think old... Today. Do you think old Dinkus can do it again against the Canadians? I guess I'm assuming he'll probably be in that if he posted a shutout, the game before. So yeah. Oh, yeah. Can he do it against Canada?

I doubt it. I doubt it. Yeah, dang it. It says here this guy's kind of an interesting story. I don't have a ton of details. Never played in the National Hockey League. choice. He certainly had the telephone ring once or twice, chose to spend his entire career in his homeland of Switzerland,

and he has become a national icon. So if you go to Switzerland anytime soon, drop this peckerhead's name. Leonardo Giannone, everyone will know who you're talking about. And speaking to older folks getting it done at these here games, an American curler. His name is Rich. something. He became the oldest winter Olympian ever. Is that right? The United States oldest winter Olympian ever when he curled the other day for the American team. Well, wait a minute. Now all of a sudden I don't have his age in front of me. He's 54. He's from Brooklyn Park. No, he's not.

Yeah. 54 years old from Brooklyn Park. He's a personal injury lawyer. Is it Ronan? How do you say the last name? Ruhinen? Yeah. Now that I know he's from the state of hockey here, I'd like to give the guy full credit.

I didn't know he was a Minnesotan. Rich Ronan. Rune, Rune. Okay, wait a minute now. Okay, I got this now. Okay, so he's 54. This is going really well. What have I missed so far?

What do you need? Rapid fire information? it can't take some time I can't I can't build up the suspense at all we've got time to kill Is that what you're doing Building up suspense How much time do we have Josh?

We're in a lot No We got a lot of time Start over It's very I will An American curler By the name of Rich Roronan

Became the oldest United States Winter Olympian That's where I got thrown The oldest United States Winter Olympian. 54 years old, he took part in that curling. There, now I got it. The previous oldest American to compete at the Winter Olympics was 52 years old.

His name was Joe Savage. This was back in 19 and 32. He skated. Wow. He was 52 and he figure skated at the 32. Figure skated at 52 years ago. Yes, he did. But the old.

oldest Olympian ever from America, counting summer and winter. 71-year-old sum bitch. In 19-a-4, a 71-year-old American by the name of Tom Scott competed in archery. Oh, I was just going to say that. That's a cool skill. That's about the only sport, that's about the only sport of the Olympics you could do at that age. I don't think there's another sport that you could be in your 70s and be able to legitimately compete.

What about curling? I don't know if you could do that in your 70s. Because of the knees? Yeah, you got to get down low. Yeah, I don't know if you could do that. But archery, you're standing stiff-legged and firing an arrow at somebody. Sorry, I blue-balled you so badly with that information, Randy Shab. Cobby was over here ringing his hands too.

He was dying to get to the end of the store. No, I wasn't. I was hanging on every word. I know you've got patience with me. You got patience. So this Rich Rurudin is a lawyer, you said? Yeah. So people are saying he's the R&TSR law.

I'm sure you've seen their billboards all over the place. Oh, sure. You've got to have a lawyer joke, Randy Schaeber, now that we're talking about lawyers. I don't have a joke. I don't have a joke. I think there's ever been one lawyer joke. My mom worked for a bunch of lawyers.

Shady bastards. They were telling, it was a lawyer that spoke at your mom's, like the party after the funeral, correct? Celebration of life. Yeah, the reception there. Bob, wonderful guy. He was a funny guy. My mother worked for him for decades.

Wonderful guy. I hadn't seen him in 20 years or more, 30, maybe. You could see he was very well liked by the people that knew him in the audience. Yeah, he's a great guy. Thanks for bringing that up, Josh. That was nice that he showed up and said a word or two about my mumble. Yeah, that was cool listening to him.

Now, some folks really love the winter games. I mean, love it to a level where we couldn't even possibly understand. Says here, Randy Shaver, a criminal ass hat who had been on the run from the law for 16

effing years was a arrested at these here Winter Olympics. Sounds to me like he's a Slovakian fella, right? But he had spent some time in Italy over his lifetime. And he committed some crimes there in Italy. So he was on their wanted list. Word is he couldn't help himself. He had to come to Italy to watch the Slovak hockey club play.

Somebody recognized a prick, and now he's been captured. I have to watch it. I'm sure he thought it was. just he's got free after all that time. Yeah. Yeah. 16 friggin' years. That's over half of your lifetime, Ashley. That's insane. He was on the run, probably growing beards and whatnot, changing his hair color. Probably tired. Well, it's not literal. It's not a literal thing, Ashley. Fair enough dealing with that. And he says, F this. I got to go back to Italy and watch my Slovak hockey club get their guts stomped out by somebody.

So police tracked him down after he checked into one of those hotels. Somebody recognized him when he checked into a hotel. 16 years on the run, over. He's in an Italian jail right now. Yeah, it might have been better to catch that game on TV, man. Yeah, covered in metal Jesus brings up a good point. Yeah, no one's going to bust you at the most security heavy event in Europe right now. I'm sure, yeah, there's facial recognition camera.

I'm sure they have all that stuff, probably. But I've been there for 16 years. He was just cocky at that point. Oh, I think so, yeah. F, me running. Loves hockey, this guy. I bet he doesn't love it as much now. Nope.

Nope. Yeah. You got cock as it threw him up on the kiss cam? That's how relationships end at concerts. We've seen that before. I don't remember what the thing. this guy did that he had to be on the run for 16 years. I mean, maybe it's so grotesque. We don't want to talk about it, but it doesn't matter, but I didn't have it in front of me.

What did someone, did someone just say something about heavy metal or hard rock? Or is that the liquor? That was a Jesus. Covered in metal, Jesus? Covered in metal. Even metal heads are doing something at the Olympics. Here's a guy. What is he, Italian? Yes. Yes. He's Italian. His name is Dominic. Paris. He's the lead singer of an Italian metal band.

And he won a bronze medal in the Alpine skiing department. Wow. That's pretty cool. 36 years old, competing in his fifth and final final Olympics. And finally he walked away with a medal after going home empty-handed the previous four trips. When he's not on the ski slopes, he's a heavy. metal singer for an Italian group called Rise of Voltage. Noise.

Oh, they call themselves groove metal, Josh. So is that like, tell me a groove metal band. Was like, say, who was that punk act from? I mean, they were very punk, but also I think they evolved into suicidal tendencies. That's the only band I can think of. They kind of went from a punk band and they became a groove metal band. That's the only one that comes to mind. Guy is an elite singer in a groove metal band called Rise of Voltage.

They have released three records. And he made this quote after he won a bronze medal in whatever alpine skiing is. He said, I'm for sure a better skier than I am a singer. That's so funny. But he said, if you listen to metal, I'm not so bad. Don't compare him to, you know, Bet Midler or, uh, uh, Steve Perry, but if you're listening to metal, he's not bad. Groove metal.

People are saying Pantera invented groove metal. I guess that doesn't come to mind for me. No, it doesn't. Maybe I don't know what groove metal is. Someone here texted in to say that Sugar Ray is groove metal. Oh, that's too heavy for me. No. I think they just wanted to say Sugar Ray to get my blood pressure.

that's got to be someone in sugar ray maybe someone in sugar ray i don't know boy a lot of people are saying pantera wow i guess i wouldn't have considered them groove metal i'll tell you what i'm gonna go along with it i will too i'm just gonna go along with it speaking of bands and whatnot we've seen this a million times haven't we cubby after all the years in this miserable radio business. It's usually not the big rock star that turns out to be a problem. No. It's often not the rock star that's a total dick. It's the folks who handle the big rock star that are usually world-class jag-offs. 100%. Band managers and folks like that, right? Oh, yeah. There's been a couple bad. Remember the one that I thought you were going to kill? No.

Who entered the studio in the middle of a break? There was a woman that came over to you. Yes. We're in the middle of interviewing. She was so rude. She was a massive paint in the ass, very rude, very disrespectful. Oh, yeah. We were interviewing some massive rock star, and it was a touchy situation from the get-go

because this massive rock star is a strange individual. And his handler, this lady, number one, had to give us like a 20-minute talk before we interviewed the guy about what we can and cannot ask him about. Oh, that's fun. And then in the middle of the interview, she walks in the room and interrupts me. She's out in the hallway listening to the interview.

She hears me say something to this rock star that I wasn't supposed to say. She walks in and corrects me while we're live on the air. You're kidding. And I said, yeah, yeah, lady, I got it. So. I wish I had a picture of the face you made. Like in traffic, instead of giving someone the finger,

you can just hold up that face to show the level of danger. You know, it's an inferiority complex or something like that. They get a feeling of power treating everyone like garbage. It's a sad cycle of pain, you know, these managers. They like to make it clear that if you want to get close to the goo-goos or whoever, you got to go through me, you know. So they put on this hard-on type act. So here you go.

It says here that one of Snoop Dog's handlers over there at the Olympics has been accused of shoving a Dutch speed skater lady into a wall. Because, you know, he's got to show everyone, hey, I'm the guy that handles Snoop Dog around here. Yeah. If you get a little too close to the doggie dog, that's when I caught loose. So the story is, Snoop Dogg's walking down a hallway somewhere there in Italy. Also hanging out in the hallway is a retitial.

Dutch speed skater lady named Marianne Timmer. And she says... Timmer. Timmer. That's spot on, Josh. Timmer. Timmer. She says, here comes Snoop Dog down the hallway.

She's just standing there jaw jacking with somebody. And Snoop Dogg's handler pushed her into a wall. She said to the guy, she said, hey, just relax right chill bro and the guy comes back at her and says what do I got to put you through that wall

oh that's gross she said he totally lost it she admitted she said something mean back to him she didn't give information on what exactly she said back to the guy but she made it clear hey dude I'm not here hanging out

looking to touch Snoop dog. Yeah, I don't get that type of attitude. Like you said, it's what, inferiority, you're not the star or something? Or you feel cool because you're around that. Yeah, you start to feel their power, like you're on their level. Hey, many Christmas. Can't behave yourself.

I mean, I would imagine hanging around Snoop Dog. It's a pretty loose atmosphere. What are you so tense for? He seems like the type of guy that would talk to anybody. Maybe not. Who knows? Maybe that's a persona. Right.

But also, he kind of seems like the guy that won't hire an a hole like that. Or maybe he kind of needs some A-holes around him sometimes. Or maybe they're just the A-Holes that were there. Oh, that might not be his team. Yeah, I couldn't tell you. How do you say that again, Josh? Timmer. Right?

Isn't there a last name? Timmer. Timmer. Timmer. Timmer. But this year is by far my favorite winter games-related story for the day. I'm going to take my time with this one, Randy Shabre. I don't care if you're in a hurry.

That's right. already half asleep. That's okay. Wonderful. Only half. He's not alone. Here's my favorite winter games related story for the day. This guy's wife, I bet she's pissed. Finland's, Finland, their ski jumping coach has been sent home from the Olympics for getting too drunk. Igor Medved is this poor bastard's name.

Oh, Mrs. Medved is going to climb up his ass over this, isn't she? You got to be kidding me, she's going to say, as he walks into the house. Now you've gone and done it. Kicked out of the Olympics. You're a loser, she's going to say. So it sounds like old coach Medved, head coach of the Finn ski jumping club. He tied one on in a big way there at the Olympic Village and kind of made himself out to be a jackass. So they put him on an airplane and sent them home.

Just burping up olives, the whole plane right on. Sweating. I would hate myself so much. I'm going to explain this to my wife. Dana, I picture him walking into his house with a deep five o'clock shadow, right? He just looks like garbage. He's got an ice pack on top of his head, and there's the old lady. Arms folded in front of her.

Sitting in like a darkened living room, you know? Like just waiting. Hope you had fun, she says. Hope it was worth it. They flew your ass all the way back to Finland from Italy because you got too drunk. And Igor just says, look, I need to crawl into bed for the next 17 or 18 hours. Can we talk about this tomorrow? Nothing's worse than a hangover at night.

A hangover at night. Yeah. Oh, like you drink all day and then pass on the afternoon. Yep. Gosh, you feel so, I just feel so crappy about myself when I wake up. what time it is? You're like, wait, it's 9 o'clock. Is it night? Why did I do this? Is it 7 p.m. or 7 a.m.?

This guy went out and had the time of his life. But he came off like a tool. They sent him home, and now he's got to answer to the wife. I hope the wife called him out on it. He just looks there and goes, worth it. Yeah, maybe it was a

good time. It seems like ski jumping's making the news for all kinds of goofy stuff this year, right? There's penis gait, of course. Penis gate? Well, we talked about they're inflating. They're injecting their penises to make them a little bigger during the fitting for their suits. So they hang longer in the air, and I mean hang as in fly longer.

Fly. And then now this, the coach gets sent homehammered. Well, I think you've got to be a little screwy to get involved in ski jumping to begin with. Yeah, I don't know. One of my best buddies does it. You mean like a little nuts? Yeah. Oh, yeah, you've got to be nuts.

He's not nuts other than like he's a major adrenaline junk. Oh, okay. Anything like that. he likes to go for. When's the last time you came home, Randy Schaber, and the wife just had her arms folded in front of her waiting to chew you out for? When I went to New Orleans for the Vikings exhibition game and came home totally hung over.

Yeah, and your pukees, right? Her arms were folded. Yeah, I mean, you smelled like peop. She was standing in the driveway, arms folded. Oh, she was standing in the driveway? Oh, yeah. Those moments are so... She wanted to get a crack at your carcass before you even walked in the door.

So mad at me. I love that. How did she know that you would behave so poorly? You would call her? I think I told her that I was not feeling so well. And I think I was supposed to watch the kids when I got home or something. Yeah. So I was already in trouble before I even parked the car.

I've heard those stories before from pals. of mine who have kids where, yeah, they get so gooned, they miss their shift with the kids. You see what exactly, right? Oh, there would be hell to pay. A few of my buddies, a few of my buddies have gotten home from like an all-day drinking deal, and they're on the hook for the kids, but they just go in the bedroom and fall unconscious. They never hear the end of that one. That would just wouldn't be happening. I'm like, no, no, no, you're screwed. Figure it out. By the way, Igor Medved, the Finnish ski jumping head coach who got too drunk to hang out at the Olympics and they sent him home.

He did release a statement saying he's sorry he got so wasted. I think a lot of people have released that statement in the past, don't you think? Followed by I'll never drink again. Speaking of hangover, is that lie you say to yourself like in college, actually, when you're young? You're like, I'm never drinking again. Oh, God. Five hours later. Hey, do you want to go to Happy R? Sure.

That's usually how it goes. Oh, yeah. Because you puked all over the sidewalks in New Orleans, didn't you, Randy? That and all over the room that I was staying in, yes. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. It looked like a war zone. Oh, God.

The maid comes in. How many people were staying in this room? Yeah, I felt so bad for whoever had to walk in that room, yeah. I definitely, yeah, left a hotel room thinking that. Not good. We once spent a weekend ice fishing up at Malax, and one of my buddies was just a mess. I mean, everyone walks away from that scene with a couple years shaved off their lifespan, right? Those ice fishing weekends up at Malax.

But this one palomime was especially feeling like garbage, and he knew as soon as he got home. We got a two-hour car ride ahead of us. As soon as he got home, he was in charge of the kids. So he began negotiating with his wife via text message as to what he could do for her to get out of his shift with the kids when he got home. Because he was feeling so terrible. And this is what finally won out. He said, when I get home, if I vacuum the entire house, will you take my shift with the kids? And she said, yes.

So it was vacuuming that got him off the hook. That's more than vacuuming. He whipped through the house just faster than hell with that vacuum and then slept for about 13 hours. Wow. Some understanding wife right there. Speaking of poor behavior, I guess, in general. And we're sticking with hockey here for a minute, the Oshawa Generals of the Ontario Hockey League. I know most of the years are saying who.

But, you know, a few all-timers have played for the Oscewa generals over the years. They've been around forever. state of hockey my ass. Most of you won't know who I'm talking. One of my favorite one of my favorite all-time NHL players, Dave Andrichuk was an Oshawe general. So was that high-maintenance bitch,

Eric Lindrosse. He played for the Osherg generals. But they got a unique problem going on up there, Randy Shaver, as far as their home games go. The generals sent out an email to season ticket holders asking them to shower more often. Multiple fans have been complaining about terrible body odor pouring off of folks who go to their home games.

That's hilarious. You know, we've received that from the school where they say, hey, you know, your child is old enough now where we've got to remind you, make sure they take a shower, that kind of thing. Like, I got the smelly kid in class? Well, it wasn't directly to us. It was a mass email. But, yeah, where they've had to say that, hey, let's remind these kids that they've got to start bathing a little more often. now that they're getting older.

One of my buddies kids was the smelly kid. Nobody wants to be. Oh, yeah. And I still remember who the smelly kid was. How you doing, bud? They had to pull them aside and say, look, you smell like you pooped. Yeah. You need to talk to your folks about taking a bath now and again.

You need the clinical deal. We had that here. We had that here one time where our boss had to pull a guy aside and say. We're learning how to use deodorant. I think that was when I was in middle school, that was a big thing. Yeah, you didn't realize when you... Yep. You didn't realize when you hit puberty how bad you can smell after a while.

Right, right, especially out of gym class and going to class. Oh, that was always the worst. Yeah, yeah. And then you regret going so hard and dodge ball or capture the flag. We actually just got an email yesterday about showering for, because they're starting swim class. Oh, mm-hmm. Talking about the importance of taking care of your body after that. Do you remember that, Nick, though, when the Boston...

Wasn't it foot related? It was foot-related. Yeah. Well, it was just kind of a general odiferous being, you know, but his feet specifically were terrible. And the boss had to call him in the office. I have vague memories of that. There was a part-time DJ we had that would come in and do his shift now and again, and this is

Do you take his shoes off during the shift? No, no. It was just bad. I had to be in there in the office at the time. Rotten feet, rotten old tennis shoes, and he would stink up the studio. If he did a three-hour shift, he would stink up the studio so badly that the boss finally had to say, you got to wash your feet, you got to get a pair of new shoes.

I think the boss should have gave me a heads up. He's like, hey, come in the office with me here. I need a witness for something. So I walked in there, and then he had that conversation. I had to bet that same kid, well, it was an adult. The same guy he talked to, I had to bail him out of jail one time so he could make his shift. Oh, my God.

The boss calls like, can you go pick him up at jail? He's got to get into work. So again, the Oscewa generals of the Ontario Hockey League, have had to send a memo, an email to their, friggin' season ticket holders, reminding them to wash themselves because there have been a lot of complaints about body odor at the hockey rink. As far as I know, this is no joke. Their director of ticket sales, a kid named Jason, he was in the local papers up there,

and he said, quote, I've received countless complaints about the person sitting next to them at the rink smells like cat pee or bad breath or body odor or this or that. So he's hoping that General's fans take the memo to heart moving forward and start washing themselves before they come to the... It's one thing if it was your players. Right. If you're going to an autograph session and your players stunk, but it's the fans. I thought I read the headline wrong. For that reason, I assumed, well, they must mean the players.

Right. Nick, in your opinion, as a lifelong hockey fan, which, what do you think? Which clubs fans probably smell the worst? National Hockey League. Yeah, and let's go all the way back since the beginning, you know. Oh, I can go back. You can pick a team that's not around anymore. The Montreal Maroons.

Their fan base smelled like old cheese. Yeah, they might get an email if that was a thing back then. As far as, you know, live hockey, I'll take body odor over a sweatpants boner. any day. You guys know that I was almost impaled by a sweatpants boner when I was a kid watching the North Stars at Met Center. I forgot about that traumatic experience.

And that was face level, right? You turned around because they're right behind you. Yes. It was me and my brother and Pistol Pete from across the street. And our dads were at Met Center. Hell, we were probably 12 years old, 11 years old. We're sitting in the upper deck. I remember specifics about this because it was.

was so horrifying. Playing the Blackhawks, and Randy Schaever knows in 1982, 83, when the North Stars played the Blackhawks, it was thrilling from start to finish. It was violent. It was incredible. So, no wonder the guy had a boner then. Just an excitement boner. Yes.

Just so excited for that. Great brand of hockey. So we're all sitting in our row in the upper deck and the North Stars score a goal and it's just, I don't think at that point in my life I'd ever heard a roar so loud. And so as a, as a, like an excited, bewildered little kid, I turned around to see the crowd that was sitting above us just to capture all the excitement of everyone going so crazy over this goal. And staring me in the face was about an 11-inch long sweatpants boner. I mean, the dude, it almost hit me in the nose. And the dude's just, he's clapping.

Clapting away. He's getting sweatpants boner. I didn't tell anyone about it that night. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Well, traumatized, too. You've got to process what happened. I'm with you. I would have kept that a secret for a while.

What were we talking about drinking earlier? Sure, with that finish ski jumping coach or whoever he was with the drinking. Randy Shaver, you've been throwing some baseball into the mix now and again. I dig it. we're getting closer to baseball. The twins are hoping to draw us over to the ballpark this summer with cheap beer. Great idea. Yeah.

It's a great idea. How cheap we talking? $2. That's smart. Yes. It's a great idea. What day of the week? What is this?

I'm getting there, Smashley. She's excited. It's got more excitement on social media than anything they've done so far. You're right. Dude, Josh, I didn't get to go to like any twins games last year because it was just like too hot. Couldn't do it. Too pregnant. So yeah, this year, I'm letting loose.

I'm going. By the way, I would go with you if you wouldn't mind. That'd be fun. Back of that hockey game I was at when I was 12 at Met Center, Hot Coco, Sheez's texted in to say, you know, you never forget your first boner, if only it would have been yours.

All right, so $2 beers will be up for grabs at Target Field before Friday and Saturday games. I think they give you like an hour window before the first pitch. It's only before the first pitch. Kind of like happy hour. Right. Yep. You hear the national anthem start?

I'll take 16 beers, please. Season ticket holders will get $2 beers any night of the week before ball games, any night of the week. You know, attendance was down last season, so they're going with the, you know, get them drunk enough that they won't care one way or the other, how the club. This is cool, no, don't get me wrong, but a lot of clubs have been doing this for years now. It's kind of crappy the Chhouns waited. Hey, we know he's screwed up everything the last two or three. three years. Here's a $2 beer for a brief window, you know?

I mean, it has made people go all right, that's kind of cool. So, I mean, it's working. Who knows if it'll translate into ticket sales or not? I thought that was pretty cool. Now, this, you know, come on. I mean, you can't deny this is a pretty good deal. Or you can tell me, I'm not talking

about the beer anymore, Randy. But that does sound fun. I'm moving on to something else here now. Maybe I'm wrong, but this sounds like a great deal to me. In addition to the cheap pregame Steve Weisers, the twins are offering this Twins pass gimmick again. Standing room tickets to every home game this season, all you got to do is give the twins $229 in trade. So that comes down to $3 per ticket if you went to all 81 games.

Is that a good deal or am I drunk? No, I'm with you on that. I got a friend who did it, and she did the math too and said if she goes to 10 games, she'll get her money's worth or something like that. There you go. Well, give them credit. They're trying to figure out ways to get people in the seats. Yeah. They also try by signing some players.

That would help. That would help. Well, they did. They signed another left-handed relief pitcher, a kid from the Dodgers. I can't think of his name. Banda. Banda. They're making little drops, you know,

little drops in the bucket here and there. You know, with all the nice things you're saying about the twins, Nick, a blue rhino tank slinger Jesus says, there he goes. That bro lad. That's right. You are a Polad apologizer. I can't deny it. Can't deny it.

I've been a Polad fan since I was a kid. They texted you the talking points for what to say last night, so you had it all typed out and ready for you? I got there back until the bitter end. I am a bro lad. It's such a funny term. All right, speaking of beer drinking in baseball now, this is a little weird. I don't know.

Outfielder Nick Castiano's has been released by the Philadelphia of Phillies. You probably don't care. But if I were the twins, I'd care. Yeah, he's a decent hitting outfielder. Why not? Yes. You might dig this, though. Apparently, the Phillies have been mad at Nick Castiano's

ever since he pulled something cute last baseball season. From what I understand, he was benched last season. For whatever reason, he had some kind of meltdown over this benching. The skipper benches him. He's very unhappy about it, Nick Castion. So he got some. pissed off about being set down that he brought some beer into the team's dugout during a game and tried to slam a few of them before teammates interrupted and told them to get the F out of it.

Child. That's what I understand about this. One of the more interesting adult temper tantrums that I've heard of. He was going to have a one-man chug-a-lug-lug in the dugout during a ball game just to show his manager that, homie don't play that. I don't know if I've ever heard anything quite like that before. Yeah, I never heard of bringing booze back. Well, he was suspended for one game after that incident. But I think the real reason why he's not on the team anymore is that he's guaranteed 20 million this year.

And they signed Adolos Garcia from Texas to play his position. So they're going to pay him 20 million to go away. And the twins, if they wanted to sign him, would only have to pay him the veteran minimum, which is like $750,000 to play left field for them. So I say to the twins, go sign Nick Castiano. Okay. You're telling him to go get the guy.

Yeah, go get him. Put him in the middle of your lineup. All right, Cubby, go ahead. Hit the PJ Fleck gimmick. All right. From the boat, Scott, Yamaha. And Go-Gover's Big Ten Network. My effing homeboy, Golden Gofer football coach,

P.J. Flax signed him. a new contract. He's heading into his 10th season here in town. Oh, it's that time of year again already, the PJ contract extension. Right, the one-year deal. Yep. Every year, there are douchebags trying to run him smooth out of town, but PJ don't care. He just keeps winning ball games because he's a stone pimp.

All he does is win bowl games. That's all. Year after year, just wins a bowl game for you. Get some. You're hitting the money thing. I have no idea what they're paying him. That was $700,000. I think he's the 10th highest paid coach in the Big 10 football. I'd like to be the 10th highest paid coach in Big 10 football. Yeah, I'd be going to be too mad.

Love that PJ Fleck character I do. Another great Gopher story right now, Nick, is the Gopher Women's Basketball team. I hear they won a bunch of games in a row. They won their seventh straight last night. They're 19 wins on the season. They've got a, I think they have four. games left in the regular season, a couple of tough games to go. But they should, they could make the tournament, which would be very exciting. That would be. Yeah. They're very good. They're like

19 and 6 on the year. Outstanding. All right, before we get going, the puppy ball had colossal ratings last weekend. Millions and millions of people watched the puppies. I missed the puppies this time around. Did you see the puppies? A little bit. To the puppies. A little bit of the puppies. Yeah, I didn't watch a lot. It was on. We were at a restaurant and they had it on.

The puppy bowl had just colossal ratings. You know, the best girl in the whole world, my dead Springer Spaniel, Megan Marie, she had purebred Springer puppies in the summer of 1986. You want to hear about them? Yes. There were 10 of them. Two of them didn't make it. We sold the other eight, and we bought a Nintendo. Oh, wow.

That's awesome. It's pretty cool, besides the not making a part. I'm kidding. My dad, I think, turned that puppy money into straight-up beer money. We didn't buy a Nintendo. Yeah, she had ten of them. Two of them didn't make it. One of them was born, dead.

And one of them had its little mouth couldn't feed properly. But Ashley, I bottle fed the little tiny puppy and tried to, but then she died. We kept one of the puppies. His name was Pat. He turned out to be an idiot. Pat. Yeah. Well, you named him Pat.

What did you expect? We kept one of the puppies. We named him Pat. He turned out to be... Megan Marie was disappointed in Pat. She was disappointed that one of her sons turned out to be an idiot. That's the wrong one. Makes sense.

I wonder how many parents in our listing audience can relate to that. 651-9-9-93. Text us if at least one of your children turned out to be an idiot. Oh, God. Tell us all about it. I'd love to hear those stories. Vent to us. Yeah.

The Luther Bloomington Keya text line. Go ahead. 651, 989, 93 text us of at least one of your children turned out to be an idiot. Like Megan Marie, her son, Pat. So, yeah, I missed the puppy bowl. But it, I mean, it out-ratings, how do I say that, Josh? It had better ratings. It had better ratings than the NBA and the golf tournament.

Yeah, it's bigger than any other sport. Right, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. People love that. Yeah, I've had fun watching the... And they really adopt these dogs, or is that all just a show? Yeah, they claim that they put them up for adoption.

So there you go. Randy Schaber, yeah, okay, we've gotten it out of the way. You know we're not working on Monday. Okay. Be careful, of course. Some people get all squirly because today's Friday the 13th. Oh, yeah, do you even think about that, Randy? You're kind of superstitious, are you not?

I am. I actually have a meeting today with somebody via the phone, and I said to them, I hope the meeting goes well because it's Friday the 13th. So I do think about it, yes. Do they put a nurse on either side of you when you walk around the old folks home on Friday the 13th? They would if I was home, but now that I'm in Florida, I can pretty much stand on my own. Okay. And then tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

I know that. Yeah, you doing anything special for you? your wife? No. All right. Okay, dokey. Basically had her request. Oh, all right.

Yeah. Careful, man. She's had enough. That can be dicey. She said it. I think he knows her by now. Yeah, I guess that's a good point. It's not a new relationship.

There was a time, though, there was a time where she could not handle the heat. Oh, for sure. Yeah, but at this point, she's had enough. Yeah. Have a good one, Randy, and we will talk to you on Tuesday. Sounds great. the 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps?

Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead.

Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bealky, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today.

763-571-2410 or go to Bialkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-L-E-L-L-E-L-L-L-E-L-L-E-L-L-A-L-ROL. And it spells relief for you. Vince Konez is redefining News Talk with The Vince Show. It is a reflection of your response to this program that we get to take this thing to the next level. These gigantic shows, this is going to be so much fun, it's unbelievable. In-depth interviews, live-collar interactions, and a front-row seat to the most important conversations of the day. I've got updates.

I've got big stories. We'll sort through the truth of what's really going on. So buckle up. Here it comes. The Vince Show. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. The Half-Ass Morning Show. 93X.

Ah, yeah, you're a great crowd. Sincerely. You really are. We got a little ways to go here on the 93X half-ass morning show, and then my damn, I am going to race out of here like there was a fire in the building. Yeah. It could be between now and the end of the show. With some of the equipment?

Yeah, there is precedent for that. That's true a couple times. So we have returned here. Little ways to go. And then we out. I asked our listening audience a few minutes ago. I asked him a question. Specifically, the parents in our listening audience.

Did any of us have a kid that turned out to be an idiot? Got a couple answers. One of our listeners says they got a few kids and they all turned out to be C students. That's pretty good. If you ask me. Could be worse for sure. C students. students. I know I wasn't a C student. Josh was straight A's. I wasn't straight A's. I did okay.

What do you mean? I thought you had straight A's. Oh, in college I did. Yeah, but not like high school I didn't. What was the worst grade you got? In high school. I got a D once and my dad knocked me out. Oh, no. Legitimately. What subject was it? I was in algebra and I, you know, I wasn't, I couldn't talk back at all. And I didn't even talk back. I just said, dad, you know, I, I, I'm going to be a rock guitar player. I don't need to know math. Oh, was this when he accidentally knocked you out? Yeah, so he hit me, and I was standing in like a doorway.

Yeah. My head hit the doorframe and it knocked me out. With that stack of dimes, you call the neck. Yeah, I can't take a punch. He gave you that playful little bump on the top of the head to straighten you out. You hit your head on the doorframe? Yeah, and I went down. See students.

That's not so bad, in my opinion. Here's a listener who says, as oldest son is your typical meathead. Heart the size of Texas, brain the size of a pea. You know, that's my youngest. My youngest is that way. I have concerns. This listener says about his son.

What are you worried about? Well, I'll tell you, unless he's not going to be a professional athlete. Well, no. But he reminds me of Rob Grankowski, just how he is. He's just kind of a meathead like that. It's a goofball. This listener says of his meathead son, it took him 10. Oh, I read this wrong the first time.

I thought it said 10 minutes. I thought it said it took him 10 minutes to pass his written permit driving test. But the correct verbiage here, it took him 10 tries. Oh, man. That's a lot. To pass his written permit driving test drivers. It's a written part, too. It is multiple choice, isn't it?

Woo, we. I don't know. It's been a while. I wonder how. I mean, I wonder if let's see you fail a certain amount of times if they say, okay, you got to go back to school or take drivers at over again? Oh, I want to mention my meathead son. I want to make sure I bring this up.

So he's taller than I am now, but he always wants to fight. And usually I surprise him by attacking him when he gets home from school. I can still take him. That's fun. Last night he was really cocky. I wasn't in the mood to fight, but we did, and I still kick his ass. Good. So I can still take, well, I got about 20 pounds on him.

So pretty soon he's going to be. You start training like Rocky in the basement? I don't look forward to the day you can beat me. I've heard that's very humbling for fathers. Oh, yeah. I've been through it once. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I suppose you have.

Cam's a lot bigger than me. Yeah, he can kick my butt. Yeah, he's got reach. He does. Another listener on the topic of, did any of you ever have a kid that turned out to be an idiot? A listener texted in to say, my daughter thought Chicago was a state until she was in high school.

Oh, no, that was me texting back. I'm sorry? That was me texting that person back. So tell the story then. Allie thought that Chicago was a state. No way. I guess that's too long. That's easy to do, I suppose.

You were texting with someone? That was me responding. Yeah. Up at the crack at dawn, Jesus said, his parents said one of their kids was an idiot, but never told which sibling it was. Just left it out there. Leave them wondering.

My sister's clearly the favorite in our family, by far. And nobody even really hides it. And even when I try and remind my mom that my sister abandoned her some 20-some years ago by moving and is never going to move back, she's still the favorite. Still the favorite? Yep. Yeah, it's become pretty clear over the last couple of years that I'm the favorite and it's pretty nice. I would have thought since day one. Well, yeah, but it's been like they used to try to hide it.

And now it's like, yeah, especially after I had a baby. Oh, gosh, that was easy. You had a baby? I was just going to say that, Ashley. I think it might have been close between me and my sister until about, seven years ago when the grand baby came out, and now I'm just, I hear from them once a month. Yep. There you friggin' go.

Okay, Valentine's Day, this, Valentine's Day, that. It's tomorrow. I got a kick out of this earlier. I know we discussed this once before, but for some of you who might not have been awake at 540, I love this information here. Of course, there's endless statistics on Valentine's Day. What we buy, where we go, blah, blah, blah, blah. Bores me to death.

This grabbed me. A poll was conducted, and I'm not making this up. They mentioned that the poll talked to people from 18 to 99 years old. Wow, that's a range. That's damn near everybody. And they were asking about dating, love, blah, blah. A small percentage of the people who were polled. small percentage, but still enough of a percentage to be concerning,

said you should at least date someone for one week before having a child with them. I got to imagine those are the 90-some-year-olds, because, I mean, a week is a long time in that person's life for what's left. And didn't their generation started pumping out babies early, didn't they? Yeah, my grandma was 16 when she got married and had a first kid right then. Oh, yeah, the older folks, they could. Couldn't wait to get married.

Couldn't wait to have babies. At least a week, they say. Get to know someone for a week before you reproduce with them. I'm fascinated by stories of one-night stand babies. I wonder about our listeners. Are any of you the result of a one-night stand? I've always been fascinated by that, too. Yeah.

There was a couple of my dorm freshman year. Had to been the second, maybe third week. They meet, they hook up. She's pregnant. They tell their parents, their parents were super religious, they had to get married. I'm telling you, the energy in that room, there was none. So they were ordered to get married by their parents. They're how old, 18, 19?

18. Baby on the way. Baby on the way. You went to the wedding? They just had like a little gathering type thing. Dude. Oh, it was. And it was like everybody just walk around going, I'm never having unprotected sex again.

That is so scary. Talk about a scare tactic. Yeah. To have someone close. to you in that situation. How did it turn out? Total disaster? Yeah, total disaster.

So both families were that religious. Yeah. Uh-huh. Wow. That is an awesome frigging story. I know. They're that religious, but they send their kids at St. Cloud State. What do they think was going to happen?

Yeah. 6-5-1-9-9-93. If you're a one-night-stand baby, I know one-night-stand babies. And it's a hell of a way to go. On their own? No. Oh, okay. But, you know, they were part of their...

raising process. That just, I don't know why, but that just fascinates me. One of them in particular, I mean, he knew this woman for about 20 minutes before they're just bumping

like it's prom night, right? It starts so cool. The story? Yeah. The story does start pretty cool. Beginning part, great. Next 18 years, not so much. They're bumping.

And then he gets the telephone call and credit to both of them. They thought the right thing to do was to try and create a relationship around this one-night-stained baby. Yeah. It didn't turn out so great. But they were, you know, they were able to raise the child. The child is fine. But that is, I would have been so hopeless in that situation if I would have been the father of a one-night-stand baby.

like especially a young person like we're discussing. Yeah. Like Dana's friend, 18. Oh my. Are you kidding me? I could barely even piss straight when I was that age. Oh, I would have been hopeless. You know anybody, Ashley?

One night. I mean. Cubby with the one night stand baby? I know of people. I'm not close with anybody whose situation was that. Tough gig. I don't even know of someone. There's people that, you know, I went to school with that I guess I don't know the

details, but it's pretty obvious when you put together context clues that it was like a one-night-stand situation. Tough gig. Yeah, that's brave. I do know a girl, though, that it was a one-night-stand situation. Now they're married and they have five kids. Oh, wow. So it ended up working out?

Because they wanted to, or was it a situation like Dana's story where their parents said you're getting married? They chose to give it a try and it ended up working. Good for them. Here's a listener says, I had a one-night stand baby. I blame Coors Light and my sweet. waterbed from back in the day. Boy, a water bed.

Dude, water beds are so cool. I had a waterbed cubby. Did you really? Yeah. I want one now. I was under the, can you even get those? I thought like insurance companies don't cover them.

That makes sense. I'll tell you what, like back in the day, I thought if you had a saxophone and a water bed and you warder a car, there's no way you're not getting girls on a nightly basis. Quite a few text messages coming in on one night stand babies. But they're coming in so fast and furious. We'll have to take a break.

here in a few minutes so I can read through them. I did read one story. A baby wasn't the result, but one of our listeners texted in to say that he got it on when he was 16 and his parents found out and they made him admit to having sex at 16 years old. They made him admit that to the pastor and the priest and the, like he had to admit, he had to admit this to the church. I would die. So annoying. All the guilt that would already be there. and having to stay it in front of a priest? And then they splash them down with the holy water and try to hit the reset button.

They hope that God will still accept him. Josh, your anxiety just would turn your body to dust in that situation. Oh, I can't even imagine. I would move out of the state. And were the priests, were they intimidating, fellows? Absolutely. Yeah. Again, I have little to no experience with that whole thing.

Oh, yeah. Definitely. What happened with you and the priest? What do you have to do? Nothing. I'm just saying if I had to do that, I would move. There's no way I could do that. Josh lives in the woods now.

I'm a woodsman. Not in the good way. Gosh, I just, I have, the reason I'm so fascinated by the one-night stand baby's neck is because I can't fathom that. Exactly. What I would do if I had to send that message? We're on the same page. I think that's why I'm so fascinated by the subject as well is because I picture myself in that situation as an 18, 19, 20-year-old. I would have been garbage.

You know, I wouldn't have been, I would, my partner would not have been able to count on me for Dick Tracy. So you got to have balls on you to get that job done. That's a, that's a tough gig. I would, I would have run away like a child. I think of the people that I had one night stand with that I'm like, people. Oh, my Lord. Dude. I would have had your baby.

Dude. Where would my life be right now? Come on. Not good. Ain't that the friggin' truth? You picture a few of those animals and go, oh, my God. I could have been stuck with that some bitch for 18 years. Oh, no.

And it goes both ways, too, because I imagine there's some women that I've been with having this conversation. They think of me immediately and shudder and think, oh, my God, if that man would have gotten me pregnant? Yeah, I mean, especially a shout out to my husband after, like, having a kid and, like, very quickly learning. I mean, I imagine that was the case before having the child, that, like, he is a very crucial part to me getting through motherhood in general and does an amazing job. I can't imagine if I had anybody else.

It wouldn't be possible. I would break. One of our listeners had a one-night stand when he was 20, and the gal gave him chlamydia on his penis and his mouth. Penis in mouth? Huh? Is it penis in mouth? And, yes.

And mouth. Well, there's a couple ways that can happen. And one of the ways I'm very jealous, to be honest with you. If it could happen both ways. You know, the rib removal whole thing. Yeah. Paul from the Wonder Years did that. You've heard that story.

You know, I'm very, I'm happy with the royal oats I sold before I got married. Fine. I'm satisfied. Don't need to do anything else. I'm done. But I do wish I had a one-night stand just to know that that was. The royal oats that you sowed. They were sowed.

Do you have any big anniversaries coming up, like even numbers, like 20 or 25 or anything like that? Our 20th is coming up in a couple years. Maybe be a 20th anniversary present. She lets you have that one-night stand. Yeah, good luck. Yeah. I'll see how that goes.

But you have to go and make it happen, though. You'd be so screwed. I always like when you tell that story or dump that little piece of information on us. Never had a one-night stand. No. You're too good for him. Never. I mean, it's like I might have known somebody for a few days, but just the definition of a one-night stand, never.

I don't even know how that happens. Well, because if Josh was asleep with the woman he just met, she would track him down and hound him and hound him, so it wouldn't technically be a one-night stand because they kept coming back for more. Of course. I would feel I need to be in a relationship if we did that on the first date. Yeah, I don't, I'm trying to think the soonest between meeting someone

and getting together with him, well, I don't even, maybe it was more than a few days. How do you even make a one-night stand work? Does alcohol have to be involved? Typically. He usually is. Typically. You said, Ashley,

people you've had one-night stands with. You got a problem with that? Well, no, I mean, it disturbs me a tad. It's not like a crazy long list, don't worry. But were they all alcohol-related? Yeah. And it was true one-night stands. Didn't know the person existed before that day.

Yeah. But the, oh, shoot, what was I going to say? It was going to be something about the end. Oh, it doesn't really matter, though, the next day. as much, Josh. Like, it's not, you don't, you don't feel pressured to text anybody or do anything because you were mostly, you were kind of like on the same page the night before. Everybody knew?

Yeah, like it's, you don't really got to say it. It's a vibe. You can feel it. You can feel the vibe. Oh, question. One night stand. If you maintain a relationship, I mean, it doesn't have to be sexual anymore, but you just know them afterwards, maybe hang out with them.

Is that still a one night stand? Or does one night stand mean you knew him that one day and that's it? Yeah, it doesn't count anymore. I feel like if you start seeing them or hanging out with them afterwards. Okay, so that doesn't count. Yeah. Boy, that's... It's written somewhere, Josh.

More impressive. It's etched into stone somewhere. Somebody knows the rules on all this. Yeah, there's different weird rules. Because now with, like, dating apps, I mean, people will still call those one-night stands, but are they really? Because you talked on a dating app of, you know, six hours ago. I agree.

I'm going to be a stickler on it just because I've never had one. I'm going to make sure the rules are followed. can't say you've had one. Well, it's so much easier to track somebody down if, you know, maybe, oh, we didn't exchange numbers, I'll never see that person again back in the day. Now you can just find them on Instagram in two seconds. Ain't that scary? You perjee, good point. We didn't

have those fears back in our day. No, that would suck though when you would meet somebody and then you spend that night like trying to find them basically on social media and then not being able to find them. That's a worst feeling ever.

We didn't have those fears in our day. The one that got away. There was a good chance. If you had a one-night stand, there was a good chance. You were likely never going to see that person ever again. I'll tell you a story about one of my old buddies. We were driving through, I think it was Forest Lake. And we stopped at a little road house in Forest Lake.

This is a long time ago. And I'm with two friends. One of my friends, when he got out the car, he kind of looked around. And then he stopped. And we said, well, what are you doing? Come on, dude, we're going inside for a bite to eat. And he goes, I'm not going in there. Why not?

I had a one-night stand with a waitress here about 10 years ago. I'm not going in there. 10 years ago. Yeah. It would have to be really bad. He was still so fearful of seeing this woman again, even though a decade had passed. He refused to go into this bar restaurant by chance that she was in there.

Oh, man. But we had to go to someplace else to eat. When I was dating, I would purposely make. On dating apps, you can adjust the mileage of how far away the person is that you're looking for. Like, say, my range would be like 15 miles from my house. I only want to see people. I only want to see singles within 15 miles of me. I would make mine rather large because I didn't want to date or see anybody within, like, I don't know, like 20, 30 minutes.

Because I don't want to run into somebody that I had an experience with the later. You were looking to bump with someone from north of 694. Yeah. And you never wanted to see them again is basically what you're saying. Yeah, that kind of bit me in the ass, though, because then when I met my husband, I lived in Osceola, Wisconsin, and he lived in Otsego, Minnesota. So it's like an hour drive to see him. I was like, gosh, darn it. I used to drive an hour to see my wife, pretty much, you know, when we first started dating.

If she ever dumped me, there's no way I would do that anymore. I don't like to leave my zip code. No, me either. Dude, I would never make that choice. It took an hour to get to your place to her place? Pretty much. Yeah, especially in rush hour. Dude. It was almost daily. He's talking about hard up.

Same here, dude. I did the same thing. True love is what that is. Half-assed morning show. I can feel it in my bones. Covey, we're so close to leaving this stupid place that I hate so much. Oh, wow. Look at it. Yeah, only five minutes.

I can feel it in my bones. During that commercial break, I thought about one-night stands. Yes. Put myself, even as a young man, when I was at my home. hornyest. I don't think I could have a one-night stand. I don't think about it. I don't think you could either.

No. I was living a fantasy there for the last break. You're not wired for that kind of. I'm not built for it. You'd have to check in or at least invite her out to breakfast in the morning or something like that. Yeah, I'd have to like someone. Yeah.

Gross. I love it when you talk sex. I do. Because you sound like a 75-year-old aunt or something. Earlier, he talked about sewing his wild oats. And a minute ago, he talked about when he was at his horniest. Yes. Dana, speaking of having to bring them out to breakfast, Nick, have you ever had that experience

where you have a one-night stand and then they want to get breakfast in the morning? That is the most awkward breakfast I've ever had. I don't think we ever went out to breakfast. You'd have to really hit it off and made a connection for there to be brunch the next day. No, I think I've gotten like, you know, hey, one-night stand. And like usually the guy, in my experience, at least, they've almost felt like a guilty. And so I think breakfast was a way to be like, hey, you know, we're cool.

And I'm like, this is unnecessary, but a free meal is a free meal. That's a good point. I think we've sat around and cracked open a few beers to try to kill the pain, but we never went out to breakfast. One of my favorite ones was I was trying to sneak out in the morning, you know, we went to her place. And I'm getting dressed. And she goes, are you seriously sneaking out? And I go, oh, yeah, you know, I got some stuff. She goes, we can be adults about this.

I'll give you a ride home. I go, oh, thank you. That's very nice for you. We can be adults about this. Yeah. Maybe we shouldn't say her name anymore, but we had a guest on a while ago, Nick, and we both enjoyed her strategy after a one-night stand. Oh, yes, I do.

I do. Tell that story. That's a good one. She said the key to getting your one-night stand out the house the next morning is fill them full of coffee. That's smart. Because the coffee will make them want to poop. They won't want to poop at their one-night stands apartment.

they'll leave. That is so sad. Especially after a night of drinking, you get that coffee in you? That is so smart. When she said that, I almost died laughing. Genius. All right, so yeah, love is in the air with Valentine's Day coming to town tomorrow. So we've been talking about sex, love, one-night stands, this, that.

Here's a couple more one-night stand stories I got from our terrific listening audience. Now, here's a guy, Cubby. he was at his horniest at the time. He brought a one-night stand up to the family cabin or back to the family cabin from the bar or something. That's where they bumped at the family cabin. Now, you should know that this guy has a brother that looks very, very similar to him. They're not twins, but they look very similar.

So fast forward. Some time goes by after the one-night stand, and then the one-night stand gal comes back to the family cabin. uninvited and she hollered at this guy's brother for not ever calling her

that's that's horror movie stuff total horror she shows up out of nowhere angry that her one night stand guy never called her but she's hollering at the wrong guy

she's hollering at the guy's brother who just happens to look a lot like him she hollered at him in front of mom dad and his brother's children and wife. That is crazy. Oh, my gosh.

I'm so I'm sure the wife at first is like, you did what? Right. So she had the wrong guy and put on a big show in front of everybody. Oh, no. The dude who originally did the bumpin wasn't even there. That's a fun phone call to get. He dodged a knife to the throat that day. That's horrifying.

We did talk about waterbeds for a minute. I don't know why. But here's a listener who text. into say, you know, I had a waterbed and it had a heater on it, and boy, you could do wonderful things in the dead of winter. It was so wonderful to jump into that heated water. Here's a guy says, my waterbed got so hot one night. I singed my hip. See, you had to always put the covers on it. I learned that myself. I didn't know they were heated. Oh, yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. You had to put the covers on.

Haven't you heard the stories about if you lay on an uncovered waterbed and it's cold, it could kill you? No. Because it sucks all the heat out of your body. I don't know if it's true, but I always heard those stories. If you didn't put the blankets on and you crank that heat up too high, it could, this guy had his hip burned off for him. You know, we're actually going to be shopping for a new bed this weekend. The President's Day sales, they always talk about it's good ones. I was texting with your wife about it about how often you should change your bed.

And it's a lot sooner than what I thought. Yeah, like every seven years or something? Yeah, your wife had said like eight to ten years. Ours is at 20. Our bed is awful. Don't listen to those frigging rules. It's the same as when you go to the doctor and you're called obese because you weigh 135 pounds. Oh, you should probably get a new bed.

That whole thing on when to replace your mattress is silly. I think 20 years is time, though. It's bad. It's so uncomfortable. If it's still comfortable, who gives a rat's ass? Yeah, if it was still comfortable, it would be cool with it. Who in their right mind cares how old their mattress is? If you can still get a good night's sleep on it, what the hell's the problem?

One more fact on Valentine's Day before we go. Loub and condom sales go through the roof on Valentine's Day. Yeah, I'd imagine so, right? Maybe some of its wishful thinking, but hopefully it all gets used. Tis of the season. Interested. We out. We out.

We out. All right. Shout out to heavy pedal. She's us and the rest of the hard work and florists out there, almost done with their craziest week of the year. Also, happy 19th anniversary to you and bug-eye wagon, Jesus. Good luck to all the dancers hit in the floor at Target Center this weekend, especially the Austin Packer Dance team celebrating their 20th century. 25th consecutive trip to state.

That's impressive. Awesome. That's from the Real Grover Jesus. Dana, retired Army mechanic, Jesus, has a birthday this weekend and he'd like one thing. You just say kangaroo panties. Does you really want that? That's what he claims. Kangaroo panties.

Gross. Shout out to my man Kelly and Andover. Happy birthday to Dirt Track T-T-T-T-T-T-T-Mam, Jesus. Dirt-tracked. Happy 40, sorry, happy 43rd next Wednesday to Cheesehead for Life, Jesus and his daughter turning the big 09 today. Happy birthday to Nuclear Jesus. And to Kennedy hitting double digits at 10 today from one of the hottest mom names in the sisterhood, Boner Grower, Jesus. Right to the point.

Happy second birthday to Renly from Gigi and Papa. Happy Sweet 16 to Concrete Cowboy Jesus' Metalhead of a daughter, Addy. Happy 18th birthday to Chloe from Mom, Medical IT. who says now it's time to pay rent. You're 18. Happy birthday on Valentine's Day to Sauna Jesus from Sauna Jesus. We'll be back on Tuesday. Have a great weekend.

The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer. I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get chokeslammed with heat.

And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.