93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Beef Slap

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

Originally Aired  September 14, 2026: You can butter my bagel. Josh is building a race car. Everything you've ever wanted to know about reverse OnlyFans.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I know you're excited for the show, so let's just get right down to Brass Tax. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93X to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. online at standardheating.com.

Enjoy the show. The 93X-Hat-Hast morning show. Ninety-three. You can forget all about that weekend jibber-jabber. That's all over. Open wide and take a big sloppy bite of a brand-new work week. Cubby? Yes, sir.

You will eat that cat poop. I will not get that cat. Yes, you will. This is the week where, uh, welcome to the stupid, Monday show, the 93X, half-ass morning show, stupid Monday show. It's Rock the River Week. It's Megadeth and Iron Maiden Week. But that ain't until we're at the ass end. But I suppose it's something to look forward to. Yeah, it's the countdown.

Something to look forward to. If, that is, if you took an interest in our boat party Friday night, and if you give two pumps, about Megadeth and Iron Maiden come Saturday night. I know I do, but they're... Me too. Very much so. Right. Even if you don't like Iron Maiden, my wife is not into anywhere near that style of music.

Megadeth, awesome. One of my favorites. Iron Maiden, same thing. But Iron Maiden puts on such a good show. I think if you just like going and seeing live music, you'll come away a fan. Maybe you're not going to buy their records or anything, but you'll enjoy the show.

You know, last... A week from a week ago today, I should say, a week ago today, Labor Day. I was hanging out with some folks. Some of them are into the acid rock and the wolf rock and the thrash metal and all the things. 80s rock that we're involved in, Josh, day after day. There were others sitting around with us that they wouldn't know men without hats from Metallica. You know what I mean? They just don't follow music much at all.

And so someone was asking me about this coming Saturday night with Megadeth and Iron Maiden. And I talked about both bands and, you know, their situations. Megadeth is supposedly on their farewell tour. We talked about the set list because I'm the type of guy that looks up the set list way ahead of time to see what I'm in store for. So I got done jaw jacking about all that. And one of the people sitting at the table who does not follow any of this stuff at all, after I was done talking about Megadeth and Iron Maiden, this individual said,

my God, that sounds like an absolute nightmare. Really? Yeah. I don't know, man. Like I said. But what I told them was what you just got done saying. I said, even though the sound of Megadeth and Iron Maiden,

the sound of attending one of their live concerts, sounds like a nightmare to you, I said, if you went, I bet you would walk away and say, man, that was incredible. I think so. I think you'd think it was a great show. like I was saying my wife, that is not her style of music at all, but she had a blast.

She'd easily go see Iron Maiden again this weekend, but Nick and I decided this is going to be a boy's weekend. So I told her you are not invited. It's just us dudes. Not this time around. Oh, my wife is just kicking and fighting. Oh, I'm sure she's miserable. She is inconsolable, inconsolable knowing that I want nothing to do with her at the Megadeth and Iron Maiden concert. The only thing that I'm not looking forward to this weekend

and it's going to be a fun weekend is that it's going to get in the way of me building the race car I started building on Saturday night. What? See, here's the deal. What are you doing? I started building a race car. Oh, Josh.

Is there something wrong? Josh was telling me, he was telling me off air that he came pretty close to getting laid at Elko Speedway. You went to Elko Speedway over it. You went to Elko Speedway over the weekend and you said, I could have had my pick of any woman there, he said. I didn't say that at all. I just said I met at myself that I don't go every single weekend.

I had such a good time at Elko. I haven't been there in 20 years, probably. Same here. 15, 20 years. At least 20 years for me. And it's not, you know, I always think, gosh, that's so far away, but it's only half an hour from my house. And so I went there on Saturday night.

I met, speaking of their, booze cruises. I met a racer named Brent Kane at our last one in summer. And I wanted, he was telling me about it a little bit, asked if I go down very often. And I said, you know, I really don't. It's cool. I want to learn more about it. And I wanted to make a point in going out and seeing him race. And so I did on Saturday night. And he put on a hell of a race. It was very exciting. Unfortunately, he blew a radiator hose, so it took him out for a little bit. So he came back and still had a good race, but, you know, it was too much time was gone when they were fixing his car. Yeah, I got to hang out with his family, meet a lot of people, met the owner down there.

You were ranting, just ranting and raving about what a great time you had at Elko. Yeah, you know, everyone's like, I hope you're having a good time. Like, you kidding, this is one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Seriously, this is another thing like Iron Maiden. If you're not really into racing, and the buddy I'm with is not, neither is his son. They had a blast. Like, my friend had to work early yesterday morning, and so he was a little concerned like, gosh, how late is it going to go Saturday night? And when we were there, he didn't care.

He no longer cared. It's so fun. And we didn't even get to see, so we saw a bunch of the races, but we didn't see stuff like the school bus races that they have out there, monster trucks. They've got, what's that, like the Death Globe? You know that metal cage where the motorcycles ride around like cyclopaths? One of the most incredible things I've ever seen in person.

The Globe of Death, whatever it's called. They had that going on, too? They have one there. They didn't have that going on. And they do like these steam nights. There's a drive-in. Like the food was awesome. They've got a stage.

It's stupid that I don't go more often. They should sell like a Valley Fair you can get a pass right for the season. Right. I'd buy a season pass to get into that. So this was Saturday night. I'll get there. This was Saturday night. And then by yesterday morning, you are now in the beginning stages of building a race car.

Yeah, I have a tire. Starting with a tire. That's a really good start. Brett was cool enough to give my friend son, again, who was not into racing before we win. Let me time out. Ashley, you do not have to ride in the race car. You do not have to help build the ride. I would not want to ride in it.

Why are you? Because I've never built one. Yeah, that is something to do with it. Five seconds in, she's got a problem with you building a race car. But I want you to ride in my race car. Oh, I forgot to mention they've got drifting there. And I was watching one of the owners was showing me, Jason, he was showing me their drift races. That's crazy.

Like watching some of the, I've never seen that live before. Last time I was there, they almost threw me out of the joint. Why? Because I did not know. That's why. I did not know. Oh, is this the pink slip thing? Yeah. I wouldn't have known, so I'm glad you took one for the team.

Now I know. Jesus, and this will give you a better idea of how long ago this was. There was a television program cooking at the time called Pinks or racing for Pinks or something. Do you remember the television show? Yeah. Okay. I had no idea. And this was a really cool night for me.

It really was. I came away with it, came away from it, really enjoying the experience. I did get a chance to see the school bus races that night and some other racing. The folks at Elko gave me a microphone and put me down on the track, and then the emcees, the hosts, whatever you want to call them up in the booth. Those guys are good, by the way, who were calling the action. At times, during a lull, they would then holler down to me and get my take on what I was seeing. So, I mean, it was a really cool deal.

At first, I remember asking the boys, you really want me to interject? You know, I don't even know what the hell I'm looking at here. I mean, I am a fan of drag racing, but I know very little about other styles of racing, right? So they were like, no, no, no, we'll just joke around back and forth. Again, this is 15, 20 years ago. Maybe some of you who watched the Pink Slip television show can tell me when that show was popular. We'd have an idea of exactly when I was there, not that it matters. So we're having a pretty good time, give and take, the guys up in the tower and me down on the track.

And at one point when there was, I think, intermission or something, Some gal who worked at Elko approach me and said, you know, we should probably have you down here when we race for pinks. And I said, race for what? And she said, you know, race for pinks. And I said, I have no idea what that means. And this gal was ready to call security and have me removed. I wouldn't have known.

Because they were so into it down there. And she said, the pink slip like, you know, two cars race and whoever, wins gets the losing car that whole and I said I'm sorry I'd never heard of such a thing they were disgusted by me for a few minutes and then we went back to business but I uh they were they just couldn't believe there was a live adult human being who did not know what that gimmick was all about yeah I wouldn't know and then I almost got in a fist fight with a with the female lead singer of a disco cover band but that's a whole different story that's a hell awesome yeah so yeah I was uh I had the same experience you did Josh I enjoyed it

quite a bit. Had that little rough patch there where I felt like a total outcast. That was the only swinging D in the crowd that didn't know what it meant to race for pinks. And then there was almost a fistfight. But it was one of those deals where I told myself, I'm coming back. But then I never made it back. Yeah, I'm a little worried. I'm going to do that.

But I honestly, it was such a good time. And Nick and I were talking about this off the air. I wish I had this experience. There were kids, maybe you'll think this is cool, Ashley. There were kids eight to 14 years old racing on Saturday night. That's badass. No one ever offered that up to us when we were eight to 14. Not at all.

And it was like cool seeing how into these kids are. You know, they're a little racing suits and stuff up. Yeah, I bet. Oh, it was a blast. And, you know, of course, you want to see some crashes. We got to see some crashes. And just how, like, how quick these pit crews and the people that work there are cleaning things up and everything. Classic country Jesus has texted in to say, pinks the television show was around 15 to 20 years.

years ago. Another listener texted in to say, Josh, little known fact. What's that? Dale Earnhardt, Sr. One of the greatest drivers to ever live, God rest his soul. Dale Earnhardt, Sr. started with just a tire. He started with one tire. He did. That's what I'm doing. He did. Yeah, I want to think Brent, he gave my friend's son a tire, and we just decided over the weekend, I'm going to start building a race car. Oh, right here, Bobby Allison. You want to know what he started with? What? One tire. That's it. That's right. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it.

one tire. Bobby Allison, Dale Earnhardt, Cubby. Oh, you know what else, Nick? You can bring your own vehicle out there. Yeah. And race it. Yeah. That's the pink gimmick. Oh, that's what that is. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going back 15, 20 years, but that's what they told me. They said people bring their own vehicles for that, yes. Okay. So like your regular car, that's part. Okay, I didn't know that. Like a Chevy citation. Yeah. Against an old Ford Bronco 2. That's fun. It was fun. I mean, that's like kind of a family atmosphere aside from people bringing their families, but it seems like every different division, they're like, oh, it's my brother, that's my cousin, cheer for this guy,

you know, a bunch of racers within the same family. But now I forgot what I was going to say about all that. I'm just so excited about it. And I want Ashley to be excited. She's not excited for you. She wants nothing to do with it. And I got to say this, in closing, on the experience I had 15 some odd years ago down at Elko,

in closing, I like my chances in that fist. in that fist fight against that female lead singer of a disco cover band. Yeah, my money's on you. I don't even know her. Had we thrown down, I like my chances. Ashley, I now have two tires. Box toss and Jesus has a tire.

He's going to give it to me. Whoa. My race cars coming together. Halfway there. So there you go. You had a great time at Elko. Yeah, I'm glad you had so much fun. We should all go.

You know, I called Nick Saturday morning because I was at a charity event, the Jordan Clark Memorial 5K. Oh, yeah, you did. I like to go out there. You did give me. It's an awesome cause, a race to end suicide. They always get a good crowd. Sorry I didn't answer your telephone call. Oh, that's right. I figured I was looking at the time, too. I'm like, okay,

it's not too early. I think it was around 10 something, but I figured you had something going on. I'll tell you where I was at, but go ahead. Explain what your event Saturday morning. I thought I was almost called you too, Dana. But they had a bunch of stuff you could bid on, you know, like a lot of those. Silent auction. I bid on a couple things.

and I actually got a little story about that, but they had this autographed KG whole setup, right? It had a ticket from, I think it was his last game. Word. Here in town. And then they had, you know, like a couple other things in this big frame. Big picture of KG? Yeah.

Was he like taking a jump shot or grabbing a rebound? He was taking a jump shot. Word. And so I called, you know, just see, I'm like, do you want me to bid on this thing? And nobody had bid on it yet. So I thought, shoot, if we bid on it, you're going to win. And then, you know, it was pretty expensive.

So, I mean, that's why I called. I was just going to do it. And then I thought I better ask him about this. No, it was nice. Your wife would get mad at me if I bought it for you. It was a, yes, you would. It was a nice offer. So you had a little side story, though?

Yeah, I got into a bit of a bidding war on a brisket experience. Oh. I wish I didn't see. What is a brisket experience? Jordan's father, who, you know, his daughter's the one that passed, I was talking to me, he's like, gosh, you know, I'm kind of surprised there hasn't been higher bids on this biscuit experience, excuse me, brisket experience, where basically like a guy that knows what he's doing, he can either make it for you and bring it to your house or teach you how to make your own brisket. Sounds incredible. Can you guess which side I went on?

The making the brisket? Yeah, because you've wanted to do that forever. Yeah, I want to learn how to do it. You got no time for brisket, dude. You got yourself a race car. I know. Well, I got a big time. No, one project at a time, Josh.

I'll bring the meat down to Elko. Yeah, you need to feed your pit crew. You're right. That's what I need next. I got two tires and now I need a pit crew. The first trip around the track, because you're going to bring me, I bet, on the first lap around. And I'll say, Jesus, this car reeks like brisket. Because I'll be eating brisket as I go.

Dude, that's so incredible. This frigging car smells like brisket farts. Hey, that wouldn't be bad. Well, the fart part would be kind of gross. So what happened? So there was one bid. And so that's why Ken, the guy that's running it, he's like, you know, it's kind of a bummer.

I thought this would go for more and more people. And so I said, well, shoot, I'd love something like that. But it was Ken's mom. Ken Mama, who bid on it. And so I walked over there and I said, hey, do you mind checking with your mom just to make sure she's not going to be upset if I outbid her? How old Ken Mama? She looked to be about 100.

Oh, my God. And she hobbled over there as fast as she could. So now you're in a bidding war with a 100-year-old woman? Well, she's coming at me hot. I'm not even joking. Was it like that female lead singer of a disco cover band at Elko? Yeah, but this shit could have took me. Oh.

She had a fire in her face. I could see it. She was like, hey, you son of a bitch, because there's like 30 seconds left, right? They're counting it down. And so I, you know, I'm telling her like, ma'am, they're going to do two. The guy was nice enough who's doing this thing. He's going to, he offered one for her and one for me. We were the two bids on that thing.

But yeah, I almost got killed by a really old lady. I would have killed you. Yeah, if I outbitter. I did feel kind of bad. That sounds like an amazing situation. Either way, whether you want to learn or you can just have somebody make you amazing brisket and drop it off. I'm not killing anybody over brisket, but I can see how that would have been a stressful moment for you there.

Yeah, I know you don't want to make any enemies in any way. No, I didn't want to. Especially an old lady. And this was Ken Mama. It was Ken Mama. Right. But Ashley, you don't sound very interested in my race car. What if I can get you a riding shotgun on my brisket experience?

Yeah, I'm all about that. I'm with you all day, Josh. Yeah, I missed your telephone call there Saturday morning. By about 10 or 10.30 Saturday morning, I headed down to my hometown annual street party. Oh, yeah, how was that? By the name of J.J. Hill Days in Wisetta. I almost headed out there, but I wasn't sure what the scene would be.

be like for a little baby hanging around. I wasn't sure if there's going to be like anything other than just food and music vibes. So I skipped it. You can try it next year. So I went down there Saturday morning. Also went back Saturday night where I, you know, saw some old friends and popped the top on a few Steve Wisers. But maybe the most significant personal moment from my weekend down there at J.J. Hill days

and this was Saturday morning. This is why I missed your telephone call. while we were hanging out at the street party, my wife and I got to talking. And I think we now have a plan in place for starting a family. We were watching the tiny little kids ride the terrible tiny little kid rides. And you know the ones on the Midway. They ride the same broken-ass, stupid little miniature train and the same miniature broken carousel that we wrote.

when we were kids. They're older than the hills. And we were laughing at how ridiculous the whole setup was. You know, this little tiny train that goes in a circle. You know, I could probably put it in my kitchen if I wanted to. And the kids just sit there just like, and they go around in a circle. And watching this ridiculousness, I said to my wife, I said, you know, maybe we should have a baby, which is a common conversation for a childless married couple,

both in their 50s to have, right? All the time. I said maybe we should... Maybe we should... Make one of them. And we came up with a plan. We agreed that neither one of us wants their responsibility of actually raising or spending time with children. Hey, I'm a father, and that's kind of how it goes for me.

We only want this baby for a very brief period of time. So we decided that this is the plan. Tell me what you think of it. I am to impregnate a woman in her 30s. How? Sex. Like, oh, really? She gives you permission for that.

This isn't even like, here's my stuff. So far so good. Permission. I don't understand what he means. So I am to impregnate a woman around 30. And then I give that full woman, I give that woman full custody of the baby. And then my wife and I will only,

asked for visitation one Saturday a month for about four hours. What are you going to do on that Saturday? Thank you for asking, Ashley. Would you go to JJ Hill Day, Hills Days, because Ashley was nervous about it? When we have the baby in our custody, we will bring them down, bring them to the broken little kidway, wherever we can find one, whether it be at a mall or a county fair, or that's what we will do with our four hours a month with that baby. was it will be to watch them go round and round on the broken

1964 carousel. Winter months are going to be, are going to be a little difficult, but you always have like a mall for a little, no, no, no, no. Again, we give this, the woman that I'm going to impregnate has full custody. So in the winter, maybe we just won't bother her about it.

Do you get to pick how hot this woman is? I get to pick the woman. You do. Oh, my God. Yeah, sure. It's so funny, the thought of like this little kid being out there. And then you and your wife pop up every year during the summer to take this child for four hours a week. Yeah.

She's just like, oh, here's these random people. Four hours a month, one Saturday a month for four hours. That's so fun. Maybe one hour during those four hours every Saturday we could teach your kid to grow up and race in the thunder class or something, given that opportunity we never had. Hey, yeah, on, hey, four hours a month is a lot. That is a lot. Yep. Maybe two of those four hours, that kid gets to spend some time with Uncle Josh and his brisket race car.

You know, an hour of iPad time. You can teach the child about Thunder Canyon or whatever you just said, the Thunder class. You could maybe be like a big brother. Sure. Yeah, you know, just bring over some cotton candy and talk about life or something. So that's our commitment as of today. Hey, that's awesome. When it comes to, we've made that life decision to start a family.

You could also just borrow my kid if you want to take him to a broken rundown. He's not really at the age yet where he's cool enough to do any of that? No, you're full of it because my wife wants to borrow your kid and you haven't let her. I don't want anybody else's kid. Barrow. Yeah, I told you she could borrow him on Saturday so you could come to the races with me. I have no interest in anybody else's child. This will be me and this 30-year-old gal.

By the way. And part-time, my wife and I will raise the, right. I'm glad your family's coming along. I'm really excited. I got a couple ideas if you need a godfather for the kid, but we can talk about that later. A godfather? Yeah. Well, you're going to, I already have Al's number.

Oh, yeah. I already have Big Al's number. Well, you know what if there was one guy? By the way, Big Al offered me a shirt at the state fair. Again, he's such a nice guy. Anytime I see him, he offers me his shirt. Yeah, Dino was telling us about that. That he heard him say, like, hey, you want the shirt?

Did you hear him say that, Dana? I thought you said, Dino. You're hanging away. By this way, this is great. So you're working on your family. I'm working on my race car. Now, I started with one tire this morning. I'm up to two tires.

Poo Poo Pee-Pee's Jesus is going to let me borrow his top gun motorcycle racing helmets. So now I have a helmet. Somebody else text in and said, if I can find it, there's a 10-millimeter wrench that they have somewhere around their house. and I have a wrench. A few people with absolutely no experience working on vehicles have agreed to be a part of the pit crew. I have my first sponsor and Hogbauer Automotive. Oh, perfect.

This thing's going to happen, guys. I'm excited for you. I'm trying to think if there's anything that I got that you can have. You got a couple of car seats in case what Nick's kid wants to join. Oh, that's perfect, yep. Do you have any ideas on what number you might have on the side of that vehicle? Can I go 69-4-20? It's either going to be 69 or 9.

So folks know who they're dealing with. So folks know who they're dealing with. How is it that the 93 would be worse than the 69? You'd think that would be more annoying? So much worse. Well, I'll tell you what. There you effing go. We got to start talking about baby names here shortly.

Do you care or is it just kind of like most parents? You just want it to be healthy. Do you care if it's a boy or a girl? Boy, I haven't thought about that. Well, that just means you want a healthy baby. I immediately pictured boy. I don't know. I'd like a little boy, ski.

Name him Cletus. I don't mind that name. I don't know about Cletus, but I've got some ideas. Angus came to mind. It's a cool one. But we'll get there. We're months away. But every minute that goes by,

my wife and I are closer and closer to being part-time parents. When do you have the first sex? I don't know. I got to find the woman first. Do you get to practice or she said this is a one and done? It's like one. If it works, that's it. Again, I don't understand. I'm supposed to clear this with my wife. Well, I get, maybe I have a different relationship. Yeah, you do.

Yeah. I don't think my wife would let me do that at all. I will decide on all this. I understand, and you're very angry. Right. Right. You know what you need? I ride my race car. That'll clear that up. I can't wait for your race car. Absolutely. But by God, what else is going on?

Will you give folks a heads up on this stupid telephone line? Yeah. Okay, I'll tell you what. So we do have a new text line, which was supposed to start today. You might have gotten bounce backs. We mentioned it a couple times. They've been running promos and stuff. But guess what doesn't work today?

Well, I take that back. Maybe it works, but we can't access our new text line. So we'd love to hear from you, obviously. So if you don't mind sticking with the old number today, which if you need a reminder is 651-9-9-9-33-93. Now that was supposed to change today. It just hasn't yet. We got a couple of different songs for you to sing later

so you can learn the new phone number. It's just a three-number difference. So today we are asking folks to stick to the old number. It's old school today. 651. I'm just blown away that this didn't go smoothly. 651-98-9-93-93. It's one of the songs.

be prepared for the day. Beautiful. 651-9-9-9-93-93. I brought the ukulele in. I got so excited when I walked in here and I saw that on the counter. I didn't see you bring it in this morning. What a nice surprise. Yeah, I learned a few chords over the weekend because Randy Shaver said maybe every time

the Vikings win that I would play a song. Yeah. Oh, yes. Like a victory song. And now I can't remember the other chords. But anyway, I got the ukulele here. I think this is a chord. Yeah, that's a chord.

I'm so proud that you're actually learning the chords and stuff. Well, a couple three of them. You are my. Sunshine, you are my. Sunshine, you make them a... Dude, I love that song. That ain't it. I had it.

Happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much you... And there's one more in here. I think it's this one. This one sounds good when you play it right. Let me see if I can get my hand on this one, Josh. Yeah, that's one. Not bad.

Yeah. Please don't take my... I absolutely love that song. And then somebody told me to listen to the whole thing because it's really dark. It is? Yeah. And then I did. And I thought, oh, that is kind of dark.

I never pay attention to lyrics. Yeah. We've got a number of ladies that are volunteering to be your sex partner, Nick. And a suggestion from 651 or to 715, Jesus, he recommends you knock up that disco lady. Oh, God. We had trouble. Yeah, but then he's going to make a disco baby. Oh, Disco Baby.

I should write a song called Disco Baby. As soon as I said that, that sounded awesome. Let's have a song. This is the intro to Disco Baby. You sing the lyrics. To Disco Baby? Go ahead. Oh, it's just Disco Baby over and over again.

You know that song? Hey, yeah. I made a disco baby. I made a disco baby with an angry lady from Elko. You had sex with a lady. An angry lady from Elko. We made a baby, a disco baby. The baby is failing third grade. We made a stupid baby. We made a stupid baby. Me and a giant gal from Elko Speedway.

She's giant. We made a disco baby, and the baby is failing third grade. do this all of stupid news, please? I'm having so much fun. I'm all out of cords, though. I'm all out of course. You know what? It didn't hurt the Beatles or Green Day. You'll be fine. Oh, yeah, that's true. All right. That's going to be a hell of a deal today. A hell of a deal. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder will jump into the mix. You probably want to talk about that frigging football game. That's fun. That sucked for most of it. I didn't see much of it. I read that broken old quarterback led us to victory.

Led the Vikings to victory. That happened so fast. What's that? The turnaround? Callow Murray. Oh, yeah. What was it? 11 snaps is what he made it?

Wow. Before they tried to knock him down 10 reading levels. Come on. Leave us alone. That's how it goes. That's how it goes in the National Football League. All right. We'll take a break.

You're a great crowd. I feel like I'm forgetting something. And if so, I guess we'll get to it after our commercial break. when we jump into the stupid news. We'll be back in a couple of minutes. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here.

I'm a smart club member of Standard Heating and Air Condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93X to save.

Standard heating and air condition, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Online at standard heating.com. Randy Shaver here, if you're dealing with a work-related injury and need someone to fight for you, then Dave Bialki's your guy. This is his specialty with over 30 years

of experience in helping the working person get compensated for work-related injuries. Even if your injury was years ago, don't wait. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-E-E. elaw.com. You want Dave on your side.

It's football season. On Polymarket trade your football predictions against other fans before and during the game. You can even combine multiple trades with Polymarket combos. Promocode WW. New customers deposit $10 and get $50 instantly to start trading. 18 plus. See Polymarkets terms of service for more information about restrictions and eligibility. The Polymarket app is an independent affiliate of Polymarket U.S. and not CFTC regulated. Trading always involves risk. Complete loss can occur. The $50 offer is issued as not withdrawalable trading. credit for use on the platform. Offer exclusively available to first-time depositors. Not available in all jurisdictions. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. I hear you. Yeah, I brought the ukulele in this morning. Partially because I needed to practice some more. I hadn't picked it up in a while. Josh gifted me this ukulele a few weeks ago. A couple months ago. I don't know how long has it been, Josh?

Yeah, maybe a month or so ago. You're going to get sick of these three chords. Well, actually two now. I know three chords, but one of them is iffy. Like, this doesn't sound right to me. Doesn't sound right. That doesn't sound like a chord. That's a chord. Really? Yeah, it sounds like it's a chord. All right. So I brought the ukulele in. Randy Schaever had an idea last week that maybe I'd play some type of victory song every time the Vikings won. So, of course, I was rooting for a Green Bay victory yesterday. You almost got one. Yeah, almost. But I have a request. Now that folks know that I brought the ukulele in, very first song request, I'm going to give this a shot. Although I don't know if I can, I got to sing. That's the tough part of singing along.

Singing and playing? I don't know how people do that. Well, not so much singing and playing is trying to hit that note with my singing voice. Yes. Here's the request that I received that 651, 9893.93. I know the promo just told you we've changed the telephone number. We really haven't changed the telephone number yet. It's still 651.99. We can access it. I'm Kelly, my darling, you are my sunshine.

When we're together, I feel. How do I feel? Your smile is so lovely, your hair is so clean. You make me feel that the whole world is. mine Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly You know the song right I love that song right we're gonna open up this week's assortment of stupid news narratives with a trio of drunken asshats living down south of here far south and east of here the three of them like I said ass hats all of them 4.30 in the Godforsaken a.m.

The three of them took to pound in their beef sticks on somebody's window. Grown ass men. Beef sticks in hand. Wrapping them as hard as they can on a window. All threw it together? Yeah. And I know what some of you are picturing. No, not those beef sticks.

is not a dick joke. I'm not using beef sticks as a euphemism here. I'll tell you what happened. Like I was saying, it was 4.30 in the God bless at a.m. The three dudes only wearing they drawers, just their underwears. They walked up on their neighborhood Waffle House. Josh, you ever had any of that Waffle House action? I want to go.

Oh, Waffles is amazing. No, no, no. This is like the fourth time we've had this misunderstanding. Waffle House action. Oh. You ever had any of that Waffle House action? Question. Yes.

Is this something you can get outside of a Waffle House? Like, could I be in Minnesota where there's no Waffle House and get that type of action? No. You got to go to Waffle House. Yeah, it's got to be there. All right, then no. You have not had any. Okay.

What's it like? Is syrup involved? Are there some weird thing going? No food play. Okay, no food play. You kind of morphed yourself into that. What was that cat character on the cartoons when we were kids who talked like? that? Who was that? Which character was like? He would

talk like this. He was a cat and I thought he was a cat. Anyway, you ask what's it like to get Waffle House act? Yeah, what's different than like a Perkins action? Too difficult to explain to a novice. But it's very different than Perkins action. Very different. Question. Yes. Just like breakfast. Can you get it all day at Waffle House or is it like after 10 p.m.? That's part of the fun all day. No way. That's right, 24 hours a day. All right. So how far did I get with this?

They were banging their beef sticks on a window. Yeah, 4.30 in the morning, three grown men just wearing their underwear's, walked up on their neighborhood Waffle House, and began pounding on the front window for no good reason, using their fists at first. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And then they beat the piss out of that window with an assortment of slim gym style beef sticks, just raising all levels of hell, while early risers, like our listening audience, while early risers and whatnot are inside that Waffle House, just trying to get a hot meal and maybe a cup of coffee to start their day. Next thing you know, the police. came a rolling up

and when the cops got to the scene the three beef jerkoffs and that one was for you Josh Hey I appreciate that huh cute little pun the three guys

they were just a satin on a bench out front the Waffle House acting all chilled out acting as if they were up to nothing just they were completely remember they were only wearing their greasy ass banana hammocks.

And despite putting on this facade that they were just just chilling out front the Waffle House, the cops busted him in the chops and took them to jail. This one will have to remain a mystery for now. There's nothing here as to what happened to the rest of the boys' clothes or why those slim gyms were used to beef slap. that front window. All right, you never had any Waffle House action. No, I wish I knew more about it. I have another question for you.

Yeah. You ever had to go ahead and give someone a beef slap? Nope. Don't have enough beef to slap. Just a quick little wrap on the... I don't mess with that. Yeah, so, like I said, for now, this will have to just bother you and create a few sleepless nights.

I don't really know what was happening. Medical device Jesus and other listeners are saying that the cat cartoon character that you morphed yourself into a few minutes ago, Josh, I think this is correct. The character was called Snagglepuss. Oh yeah, I recognize the name. I'm not to look him up. It's been years. It was like the, didn't he kind of look like the pink panther?

Yeah, yeah. I was just going to say, I thought it was pink or red in color. That's the one, isn't it? Snagglep. I haven't thought of that character. and what program was he a part of? Snagglepuss. Yeah, I don't remember.

There he is. Oh, now that I'm looking at him on the frigging godless internet, that's the guy. But what show was he a part of? He looks Yogi Bearish. Yeah, he does, definitely. And I know a lot of these animators did, you know, multiple shows, but the animation makes me think he was part of the Yogi Bear program. Question.

Nice work, Josh. You nail the character voice with no effort at all. From like 1960 or something. Early 60s, early 60s. You had a question. Yeah. What would be the close? I want to work my way up to Waffle House action.

It kind of sounds like I wouldn't be able to first understand it, much less handle it. Okay. Where would I start here? Or what would be the closest? Okay. That's a great question. If you want to know what it's like to get some of that Waffle House action and you can only start here in Minnesota, go get yourself. Hold on.

Let me get a pen. Yeah. go get yourself like a little bit of that late night taco action. Any place that sells tacos late at night. Any place. Any place that sells tacos late at night will give you an idea of what to expect once you land that Waffle House action. Would I be better off going to like a Taco Bell, Taco Johns or what if I'm... Any place that sells tacos late at night.

I know. I'm going to raise my voice. What if it's a taco? a taco truck in an alley of a bad neighborhood. Is that too much? That's probably the best choice. Any place that sells tacos late at night

for the third time. Just hanging outside like a drive through? Just Haining. Yes, just Hainan. Surprise. Is there a code word? Do you want some? Is there a code word? Snagglepus. Yes. I am here for a taco with zero

lettuce. None whatsoever. I can't wait. I know this is completely off topic, completely off topic, but I cannot wait for your birthday on Thursday. Cannot wait. I've got something for you. I think you're going to hate your ukulele after this. I told you, you dick,

that you weren't supposed to get me anything for my birthday because you already gifted me this unbelievable ukulele where I've learned two proper chords. I think you're up to three. The third one doesn't sound right. I'll play that third one for you again. You're telling me this sounds right? Yeah. That's good to me.

If you think I'm upset with you for... Now, it sounds like you got me a birthday gift. If you think I'm upset, wait till you hear from my wife. I bought it before you told me not to get it. Because she hates you. I know. The feeling is not mutual. You're telling me whatever I'm going to be receiving from you on Thursday is going to make me throw this ukulele in the garbage?

Yeah. Maybe you could combine the gifts. Hey, is it against the rules? if I get some of this late-night taco action, working my way up to the Waffle House action. Uh-huh. What if I fall in love? And if we get married, would you play at our wedding?

Of course. Of course. Tears in my eyes the entire time. I'll have my race car by then. I'll be damned. Looky here. A local story. We don't make the stupid news very often, do we?

Every once in a while. That is just great. Gives me a good feeling deep down. It really does for one reason. I get tired of talking about all these effing stupid faraway places in the report. I get tired of... Some of these stories are from the other side of the world, and they're written so poorly, and it's a lot of work, you know, sometimes to...

This is great to feature a local for once. And by damn, just for the official record, this here sounds to me like a groundbreaking idea for those of you who peddle dope. A dope dealer down there in Mancato. It says here he was a handing out loyalty cards to customers who would buy magic mushrooms and other dangerous and illegal narcotics from him. That's pretty great.

Ain't that something? Loyalty cards. He's an entrepreneur. He had himself some preferred customers and he wanted to, I guess, pay them back for their patronage. Ashley, you were a regular. Was it one guy that was your plug? Did I use that right and sound cool at the same time?

I had a couple people. It would change, but I always, there's always like one guy. He's like the core guy. You said you had a couple. What if the one that wasn't the core guy offered you a loyalty card? would you be more inclined to make him your one guy? No, that wouldn't matter to me at all. Oh, that would work for me.

No, I would, what wouldn't matter to me is, like, are your prices going to be lower? I do miss. Are you changing something about that, or what is the point of this? I miss those stamp cards from Subway. Oh, those are the best. I was obsessed with those. Oh, see, now that would be pretty cool. Well, that's what this is, your loyalty card.

Oh, I, for some reason, I was just thinking of it as, like, uh, like you, Would you like the ukulele? Would you like to sing it too? What were you thinking? I guess I was thinking of it as like, hey, like just like word, like saying like I'm your guy. Like there we go. Awesome. You know, like that was it. Would you like to buy one of my T-shirts?

Yeah, you know what I mean? You mean a business card? Yeah, yeah, in that way. No. But it takes more weight with this, you know? Like it's a promise. This dude who sells dope for a living again down in. Mancato. He goes by the name of Andy. He's 27 years old. And it sounds like this sum bitch got pinched by way of an undercover operation. He allegedly sold an undercover cop some of those mushrooms.

And then he told the cop that he was heading on over to Oregon and Colorado to buy some more product. the cops had Andy under, how do you call it in the business, surveillance. They arrested some of his customers, and that's how they found out about his cute little loyalty program. Word is Andy would provide some individuals with loyalty cards, like you are a special preferred customer. You will get a deal next time kind of a thing. His nickname was,

Andy's nickname is Flower Daddy. So on these loyalty cards, it had his name on there, Flower Daddy. I couldn't tell you what kind of a deal Andy was providing for those who were dialed into the loyalty program or how many people had earned that gimmick. So I guess last week, Andy agreed to sell two pounds of magic mushrooms and a pound of grass to an undercover cop and they slapped the irons on him. When the police searched Andy's crib, ooh, and his sweet Honda Civic. Sweet. Yeah, I just test drove one of those the other.

Did you? They found an assload of mushrooms and geith and cash and a pistol. All the cool stuff. But this is not good. No, no, no, no, this is not good. Andy's looking down the barrel of near 40 years over there at the iron bar in 40 years? I mean, that's kind of crazy.

Again, like, you can kill a person and do half that or less. If I was going to start a drug, which I recommend you do in your 50s, do like mushrooms seem like they'd be kind of cool, or is that too much for a guy that's never done a drug? You'd be good. Mushrooms? Yeah. That's a good start. Don't sell dope, Josh.

Well, I'm not going to sell it. I don't have that business acumen. I wish I did. Oh, okay. But I may look down upon by cool drug users, if I put those, if I just kind of combine some olives and onions and put that on a pizza, that's how I decided to do my mushrooms? No, not at all.

Everybody that does mushrooms, we've all come into agreement that they taste terrible. They taste absolutely awful. So whatever you have to do to make them taste somewhat bearable, do it. Hey, Josh, if you don't mind going back to your, improv character voice from earlier on in the show where we both decided you sounded exactly like an old cartoon character called snagglepuss. We looked them up and we both remember snagel puss and yeah you nailed the character voice. People have been texting in his little

catchphrase and now it comes full circle. Now I remember everything about snagel puss. Did you see this yet? No. His catchphrase was heavens to... What is it again? Heavens to Murgatron. I don't even know if I could say Merga Troi. Yeah. Does that ring a bell? No, I don't remember that at all.

I remember the Murgatroyd, yes. Heavens to Murgatroyd was his little catchment. I'm sure you could watch. Maybe someone can find audio of Snagglepuss saying, Hegans to Murgatroyd. Oh, weird. I just started writing heavens and it popped right up. All right, here we go.

Let's see if this works. I might have to sit through a couple. Heavens to Murgatroyd. There he is. It was so fun. Yeah, that's him. I like the extra emphasis he put on the D there at the end. Troid.

Troid. All right, here we go. Keeping on with today's stupid news report. I think we covered this last year, too. This sounds like a perfect way to drop dead suddenly from a massive coronary failure. It's the Hungarian grave digging contest. You know, when you see that in movies where somebody's digging a grave, You know it's fake because digging a hole is a lot more difficult than it seems like it's shaking.

Yeah, it is. I remember, like, even when I was a kid and I would grab a shovel from the garage and, like, want to dig a little hole in the backyard. That's a lot of work. The ground is not soft at all. It is a very, very, very, very, very hard thing to get into. You grab a shovel, that's the first thing you do. Yeah. The second thing you do is you look around to make sure there's no tough guys so you can slip those gloves on when no one's looking.

Oh, dude, ain't that the truth? Smart. Let me tell you something. I mean, I am not built for this. I would be dead within 10 minutes. And like I said, I think we may have given folks a heads up on this during last year's Hungarian grave digging season. And they had their championship around here a week or two ago. I had a situation at my old house, Josh, where they needed, before I sold the property.

and what a disaster this was. They needed to identify whether or not I had a well. Oh, okay. I don't remember the verbiage, but do you have a well? Has it been put into official county records that you have a well or don't have a well? Some of you know what I'm talking about. I can't put the proper verbiage together. I apologize.

But one dude had to come into my basement and, dig just one man with a shovel. He dug down to go to eight feet. One dude. That's impressive. I thought for sure he was going to be coming in the door with some kind of equipment to dig the hole. He just took his shirt off and pow, pow, pow, pout, till he was eight feet down. I had six and a half feet of dirt in my basement stacked up next to my pool table.

That's how the operation went. Man. Did he find a well? He found something. I don't remember again. This was... Skeleton? Ten years ago.

And then also, when I had a... I'll get there. When I had a... It's a certain type of window. Oh, not egress? Egress when I had an egress. Two guys just showed up on my property with shovels. And boom, boom.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And it was somewhere in the neighborhood of 107 degrees that day. I just don't know how you can do this. Angry bus driver, Jesus. This is also what happens when you dig holes. Dig a little bit of a hole, get an inch down, hit a rock. Remove that rock, dig an inch, get another rock. At any rate, if you can do that all by yourself, even two guys, you should be recognized for your athleticism.

You really should. It's way more difficult than it looks. Step one, this person says, put on gloves. Step two, dig a hole in the ground. Step three, put your D in that ground. Oh, yeah. says here, 38 different characters signed up for this year's Hungarian grave digging final final. So 19 different two-man teams.

They raced against each other to dig the quickest grave. One of these clowns said speed is the main thing here, not the beauty. But then again, there is some specifics to it, and I'll get that. there. Dude said when you have to dig a grave for a funeral, you have to be very careful about the exact dimensions and make sure that it's beautifully carved. But for this, we just dig our balls off, he says. But there actually are, okay, the winning time was one hour and 21 minutes. It took the winners only one hour and 21 minutes to dig the required hole. And again, like I said, It's not as haywire as it might sound because that hole has to go five and a half foot down, six and a half foot long.

What? Yes, okay. Five and a half foot down, six and a half foot wide. I don't know. It's a big hole. Yeah. I mean, most of those dudes aren't built like your average guy. I mean, these guys are built like a reacher, essentially.

These were big dudes. There's a couple that kind of look like normal guys. So they have to be somewhat specific. Sure, not as pretty as digging a grave for somebody's grandma. But the dimensions have to be. So the prize for the winner? Oh, the prize makes it all worthwhile. The winning two-man grave-digging Hungarian team got to split $640.

Oh, boy. Each of them gets $320? Blow me. I suppose if they do it quick enough, that's not terrible. You know, one of us, if you and I were on a team, which would be a dream of mine, one of us would probably have to be buried in that hole, I'd imagine, from a hard time. Oh, and it would be me, dude. There's not a- Probably both of us.

Not a chance in hell. I'll show up afterwards and throw some dirt on top of you guys. Would you say something nice about us, do? Yeah, I'll say a few words. I don't know if they're all going to be nice, but I'll say a few things. That's fine. At least if there's one nice thing. Yeah.

Yes. Well disclosure is what I was going through at my property again. It was so unbelievable, Josh. I've never heard of that. It was such a nightmare. And it was all my dad's fault when he sold me the property. He lied to the county or something. I don't know.

But to see six and a half feet of dirt with worms and bones and rocks sitting right next to my pool table. A few feet away from the television. You know what I mean? But that's... You know, I hope this isn't a completely ignorant or stupid... statement, but you'd think like they'd have a radar or something where they could tell it not have to dig something up? There were. There were. There were. But again, I still had to do it on. Yeah, I was,

I stayed away as much as possible. I just knew dude had to be in the house for a while and then I'd pay him some money and then the same thing happened the next day. I paid very little attention to the details, obviously. When you had drain tile put in, did they dig that by hand too, or did they have an excavator? They got out the, they got out the, what do they call? What do they You got to have that. You got out the heavy equipment for that. All right, before we go, you ever been laid out in the hospital and doctors had to drip something into your carcass for a while? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. A couple times. Yeah, me too. Potassium. Oh, that hurts. Yep. It stung a little bit. My body inhaled.

Banana bag. My body inhaled maybe six or seven of those banana bags. I guess I had the all-time record lowest potassium in Hennepin County. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I got two of them, the last. Last time I was hospitalized, it was when I was pregnant, so they don't play those games. And those were so painful going in.

It burned a little bit going in. I remember the doctor came in out of my room about a half a dozen times instead. You're still sucking in potassium? What the hell's the matter with you? But it took forever to get me up to the... Yeah, they have to do it really slow. Yeah, it's very slow. In England, a gal who was laid up in the hospital for a stretch of time,

they thought she had caught some of that meningitis. Oh, boy. We were just talking about Mancato. Didn't it seem like meningitis was in Mancato constantly? Yes. When we were kids, every year there was a story about meningitis swept through Mancato and people were in real trouble. Yeah, I don't know what it is about Mancato.

They used to get that a lot. Now, you know, normally that bag of swill that they drip into your arm is held up by some style of frame, some type of hanging thing. You follow in what I'm saying? There's some type of a, I guess the deal here is that this hospital was all out of hanging, racky, framey things to hang the swill from. So nurses just hung the swill from a skeleton. Not a legit dead body type of a skeleton, more like the ones you see in your health class or whatever or a Halloween decoration. I think that'd be kind of cool.

Yeah. They call it here a medical training skeleton. So I guess this has shocked and possibly upset some folks. Of course. That a skeleton was being used, but the bottom line is the hospital was simply smooth out of the hanging things, and they had to improvise. I don't think. So are the pictures up on our website? No.

You might have to bump those up. Oh, okay. I don't, that's weird to me. Somebody would be, I suppose, you know, people get upset about a lot of stuff. Everything, yeah. I would find that to be pretty cool. A little bit of whimsy. Apparently other folks who were laid up at that same hospital had, I mean, they were down to nothing.

They were all out of the framy, hangy things. Other folks had the juice bags hanging from picture frames and whatnot. The hospital used whatever they could find. And the hospital has sincerely apologized. They were forced to do things that they don't normally do. They were under a lot of pressure. Lots of folks laying around sick. So there you effing go.

Sports. On the 93X half-assed morning show. Let me tell you something, Covey. What's that? We've really opened up a can of worms. We've opened up a huge can of worms with this snagglepuss conversation. Who would have thought? Our listeners are dialed in, man.

They're dialed in. They know every damn thing. They always do. Earlier, Josh did a little character voice. And I said, Christ, that kind of sounds like an old cartoon character. What was the name of that cartoon character? We figured out it was snagel puss with his catchphrase. Heaven's to Murgatroyd.

played a little audio of snagglepuss. But we were still a little bit unsure. What show was Snagel Puss a part of? Well, I've been told there was a program called Laugh Olympics. Laugh Olympics. If you want to look that up later on today, smoke a little geef, watch some cartoons. Look up the Laugh Olympics if you want to see Snagl Puss.

And he had another catchphrase. Other than Heavens de Murgatroyd, because you didn't seem to recognize that way. I do now, now that I've heard it more. He had another catchphrase, and this is the one now I'm most upset with myself for not recognizing. recognizing this. He would always say, exit, stage right even. He would, and he'd go that way. Don't ever question the brotherhood and sisterhood's knowledge on anything. Any damn thing.

Any topic. We found out this morning, cartoons, that's their field of expertise. Appreciate all your help. Okay. Brad Ryder and Randy Shaver are going to be here in a half hour, and we can go buck wild with all this jock sniffing. for now, I'll tell you things that you already know. Vikes made a big fat-ass comeback against the Green Bay Packers and the opener yesterday. The friggin opener had a massive fourth quarter beat the Packers. Little guy got hurt, had to bring in the old guy, everything worked out. Twins got smoked in their series final final with Cleveland yesterday.

And a real drag here. I can give you more details again at 730 when the the other boys jump in. A real drag, it seems like that man versus chimpanzee fight never happened. Scam. It was a scam. Shocked the hell out of me, Josh, when I learned that it would probably all just a giant scam. Yeah, none of us thought it would be a promotion for something.

Josh, I think you need to step up to the plate and fight a chimpanzee in this place. No way. Come on, take one for the team. I'd rather fight an MMA, like a professional fighter than a chimp. Either way I'm going to die, but I think I'm. die like in a better death. Come on. Just make your MMA debut for us, would you? No, I don't like to take my shirt off.

Would it be weird if I joined the MMA Nick and I left my shirt on? It'd probably make fun of you for it, but that's all right, Josh. Maybe I could get into wrestling because I could at least leave a kind of shirt on. Your entrance music would be, why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Yeah, dude, I mean, if you thought you were going to get your ass kicked originally, wait until you insist on keeping your... shirt on, they're going to knock you completely

out cold. I put on swim goggles. Yeah, it was a total surprise to all of society when they found out that this man versus chimp was just all the scam so one man could gain some attention. I'll tell you the whole story. I'll tell you the whole story a little bit later on. But for now we're going to take a break

and we'll dive into Josh's news report here in a few minutes. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of Standard Heating and Air Condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save

$70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93x to save. Standard Heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Randy Shaver here, if you're dealing with a work-related injury and need someone to fight for you, then Dave Bialke is your guy. This is his specialty with over 30 years of experience in helping the working person get compensated for work-related injuries. Even if your injury was years ago, don't wait. Call Bianchi Law today.

763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. You want Dave on your side. It's football season. On Polymarket trade your football predictions against other fans before and during the game. You can even combine multiple trades with Paul. Pollymarket combos. Promocode WWOS.

New customers deposit $10 and get $50 instantly to start trading. 18 plus. See Polymarkets terms of service for more information about restrictions and eligibility. The Polymarket app is an independent affiliate of Polymarket U.S. and not CFTC regulated. Trading always involves risks. Complete loss can occur. The $50 offer is issued as not withdrawalable trading credit for use on the platform.

Offer exclusively available to first-time depositors. Not available in all jurisdictions. Hey, wait a minute. You two look kind of familiar. Ain't you them kids that have been whacking off in my tool shed? 93x half-assed morning show. Police saying Billy Thomas went up to a woman in an aisle and said, quote, I'm sorry, I have to do this, and took his pants off.

Ah, you know how it goes. A home goods store in Florida provided a little more than throw pillows and seasonal decor last week. There was also a limited assortment of penis. He's sorry, but he has to do it. At least he apologized, I guess, right? He had no choice. That makes you feel better about it, the apology? A little bit.

I'm trying to look for the silver line in here. A man was arrested last Monday after police said he stripped naked inside the store and exposed himself to a shopper. And in a way, that's not even the strangest part of the story. When officers arrived, they were directed to a nearby Aldi. After being told the suspect had walked in that direction and may have gone inside, cops found him standing near the entrance and identified him as 43-year-old. Billy Thomas. As officers walked Thomas back to the patrol car, they spotted a pair of white

shoes and a pair of underwear near the home goods entrance. Thomas said the items belonged to him, which checks out because he's just been chopping in the buff. But then things got more weird. Thomas told officers his clothes had started smoking, and the bicycle he was riding was smoking too. The cops never found the mysterious smoking bicycle or any bicycle, for that matter. So he had to take the clothes off because they were on fire? Yeah, he had no choice. So again, naked man discarded underwear, smoking clothes, a possible smoking bicycle, and a trip to home goods to show off his own goods.

A woman who was inside the store at the time told officer she saw Thomas enter the store, walk into the aisle where she was standing and say, as you heard, I'm sorry, I have to do this. Unfortunately, the this he had to do was tear off his trousers and tout his tallywacker. Did he start playing with it? They didn't say he played with it. He just kind of showed it off. Gross.

Fire department get involved with the smoking clothes and the smoking bicycle? The cops looked for it. They didn't want to bother the fire department. And they just couldn't find either of those things. I'm sure the guy was telling the truth. Yeah. Maybe somebody took off with him. Sunday night errands at a Florida target usually means dodging,

runaway shopping carts, not stumbling into a public peep show. But around 8 p.m. Sunday the 6th, the pavement outside the bigs box retailer turned into a stage for an impromptu and illegal performance, starring the appropriately last-named 41-year-old Nicholas Lydick, clad in a microscopic wardrobe, which left nothing to imagine, uh, imagination. Lydick, wearing only a G-string in tennis shoes, went to town on himself right outside the store. Oh, this guy did play with it. Yeah, this guy did. A shopper leaving the target spotted the bearded man in an extremely limited wardrobe, and called police. When cops questioned Lydick, Lydick lied about the dick, telling officers he was just

changing his clothes because his original outfit had gotten wet. And it gets stranger. A guy was wearing, and this is a quote, I am not adding this in, teal, G-string, and white tennis shoes. He said he was wet and didn't know what the deputy was talking about when asked about the underwear. The deputy also said he found a backpack full of women's underwear in Lidex car, which he said, he said he did buy for himself. We can't make these stories up. No, we can. And we don't. No, we do not. A deeper look into the situation quickly revealed just how bizarre the evening was during the arrest, a deputy search Lidex vehicle, and uncovered a dedicated stash of perversion. Like the news guy said, cops found a backpack stuffed to the brim with women's underwear, sitting alongside an assortment

of sex toys. Police weren't buying the wardrobe malfunction story, so they charged him with in decent exposure. He may be going away for a thong time this time around as he had a similar offense a couple years back. Oh, yeah. Following a similar conviction in another Florida County last year. Oh, what are the odds? Yeah, he doesn't want to stop.

He wants to masturbate outside of Target stores. That's your thing? It's your thing. You can get a giant rubber duck online for your pool under $100. That's awesome. But watching security footage of a stranger, F-It on video, that's priceless. Georgia police are on the hunt for an early morning trespasser who took unauthorized luxury to a disturbing new extreme. He broke into someone's backyard in the middle of the night, took a swim, hit the hot tub, helped himself to $1,200 worth of towels.

And if you're familiar with the term F a duck, the guy apparently did just that. He developed what police described as an infatuation with a rubber duck. Police said surveillance video shows the unidentified man trespassing on the property between 21st and 530 a.m. September 1st, Prime rubber ducky romance hours. On social media, police wrote, he trespassed onto their property, used their hot tub, became obsessed with their rubber duck, stole their pool towels. It obviously isn't the biggest crime we've dealt with this month, but it has. as a lot of ick factor, police said.

So we'd like to find this guy. And then it gets we'reder and sexier. The alleged crime spree went like this, dip in the pool, casual soak in the tub, and then the main event. While enjoying a little spa time, police said the man was caught on video, quote,

spending over 10 minutes intensely interacting with a rubber duck. Intensely interacting. Then having apparently gotten whatever he needed from that encounter, the suspect grabbed $1,200 worth of beach towels on his way out. He made his getaway on a bicycle. Sounds like a nice neighborhood. Sounds like some nice beach towels. That kind of surprise me.

I don't think I've had $1,200 in towels my entire life. No. I guess I've never bought a beach towel. Anybody here have a beach towel? It's like $20. Yeah, I was going to say it runs you about $20. A Wisconsin man's gamble that a Minnesota casino worker would approve of him taking a spin at her nipple slots did not pay out.

The Prairie Island Police Department responded to Treasure Island Resort and Casino in Welch. This was following reports of unwanted touching. Upon arrival, officers met with the casino security supervisor and a server who'd been working her usual rounds, taking drink orders. While taking a man's order for a Pepsi, she noticed he was, quote, staring at her boobs, apparently hoping to hit the jackpot. when she came back with his drink, the 70-year-old customer slid a dollar bill between her breast and asked, did you like that?

Whoa, big spender over here. She did not give him permission to touch her two of a kind, and unsurprisingly, she did not like that. Yeah, she's not a stripper. Officers reviewed surveillance footage, which captured the entire creepy cash deposit, just as the waitress described. At this point, the man's lock ran out. Security tracked down the sickening septuagenarian, who was surprisingly still hanging around the casino floor like he did nothing wrong. When confronted, the horny old timer claimed he didn't mean anything by it,

insisting the reason he slid the bill between her breasts was only because her hands were full. His attempt to double down... That's a pretty cute story. Yeah, he tried. His attempt to double down on holding a pair was a bust, and he's due in court October 1st. What a freak. Since when did this sleazy character start hanging out at the casinos?

Hey, that's new to me. That was new to me as well. Authorities in Mississippi were asking for help, identifying a vehicle with a unique phrase written on it. A burglary was reported about 11 a.m. Thursday by a family member who, they were driving an older model Chevrolet Tahoe, these guys, leaving the scene of the crime. The witness said the SUV, driven by two large men with long beards,

had a distinctive calling card. I'll let the professional broadcaster tell you. The family reported a black Chevrolet Tahoe, the SUV, had the words, fat chicks only, written on the rear glass. Bro. Sheriff said the men had already loaded up their hall from the building with more loot staged near the doorway, like they were running a very disorganized moving company.

Fat chicks only. Only. The bearded bastards were coming out of a bedroom when a family member showed up and interrupted the operation. So they dropped everything and drove off in the very identifiable Tahoe with the rather strict passenger policy. I'm sorry, what were they doing wrong? They were trying to steal some stuff from the home. Okay.

I spent some time in Mississippi and that the idea that two guys would go around town with a permanent sticker on their vehicle that said something about fat chicks or something offensive like that, that doesn't surprise me at all. Oh, really? No. You've seen it. Yes. Something similar.

You guys have our butter your bagel while driving? No? No, I've never had to. I usually do that before, I believe. One driver in Australia did, and now he's toast. Queensland police said an officer pulled over a 29-year-old about 4 p.m. on September 7th after spotting him steering with his knees so he could butter a bagel behind the wheel. The driver admitted to the officer it was a bad call, but explained he was starving after working all day, and the bloke just couldn't wait.

Can you explain to me why in four lanes of traffic that's quite busy at this time of day that you thought steering a motor vehicle on your peas with your knee while you buttered a bagel would be a great idea. The ravenous Aussie left with a ticket and presumably a buttered bagel. A lot of attitude from that cop, huh? He just, you didn't like it. He's got both hands busy. busy. They didn't say anything if it was like a self-driving vehicle or anything like that, but yeah, they didn't like that too much. Missouri law enforcement has released more details about a highway shooting that left two people injured, and the suspects were riding in a truck with one ass kick and feature. Dash cam footage from Wednesday morning shows multiple men piling out of a

pickup truck, guns drawn, and then firing into the car ahead of them. Then having apparently said everything they needed to say with bullets. They climbed back into the truck, made a U-turn, and courageously put some distance between themselves and consequences, fleeing with extraordinary bravery. Police believe the truck is a 2015-to-2017 dark gray Ford F-150, identifiable in part by its rather subtle California vanity plate, A-Z-Z K-I-K-R. Ass kicker. Dark gray in color with a California plate.

A-Z-Z-K-R. Again, A-Z-Z-K-I-K-R. Ass kicker. Come on, dude. I can't believe they let that happen. The Lee's Summit Police Department says the driver who was targeted was shot four times and taken to a local hospital. Three other nearby vehicles were also hit by gunfire. Nobody in those cars took a bullet, but one person got hurt by flying glass and is also being treated. If I'm dying and need a ride to the hospital, I'm not taking a ride in that vehicle.

No, I don't trust those guys. investigators don't believe this was a random attack. I am not going to be seen in a vehicle that says ass kicker on the license plate. Thankfully, everybody did survive. They say cleanliness is next to godliness, and a Minnesota man nearly got close enough to ask God himself. A garbage toss turned into a bloodbath in Duluth after a 38-year-old man allegedly stabbed an acquaintance for using his car as a trash can.

The incident unfolded about 10, 20, p.m. August 13th, when the victim walked into an emergency room, wearing a frankly rude amount of his own blood on the outside, doused in enough of it to make a phlebotomist faint. He told police the suspect blew a gasket over the discarded trash and pulled out a knife and stabbed him. The next day, officers spotted the alleged neat freak cruising down the sidewalk on an e-bike and told him to pull over his electric hog, but he had other plans. Police say he spun the bike around and took off in the opposite direction, this time peddling in the opposite direction. He eventually stopped the chase, and that's when things got even more interesting.

Turns out there was a method to his madness and some meth in his pocket. When he was arrested, police say they found the drug, tucked in some shorts. He used the car, why he used the car as a rolling dumpster in the first place wasn't reported, but luckily the victim survived. I'd imagine anybody would be frustrated if your friend decides just to throw. trash in your vehicle. Tiny bit. Boy, he snapped,

allegedly. Monday night football, the Chiefs host the Broncos. Rick Grimes and the Walking Dead, Andrew Lincoln turns 53 today.

Asian cop Jesus reached out on the Luther Kia of Bloomington text line with a shout out to his partner Type 1 cop Jesus. He had something

derogatory to say, but I need this job, so I'm not going to continue his text. I should mention when it comes to text, maybe you've heard some of the promos.

talked about it. You've got to bounce back, perhaps. We were supposed to have a new number starting today, a new text number. It may or may not work, but we can't log onto it. So we'd still love to hear from you. I apologize for the confusion, but if you'd like to text us today, you're probably better off using the old number. We are getting those texts. 651, 989, 93-93. That's the one that's working this morning. We'll go back and forth with this probably five or six times this week. I don't imagine. Very smooth transition. Yeah, I don't even want to say if it's going to even have happened this week, you know, but today I can tell you it's not. Again, I know that could be a pain, so I apologize for that. We did receive one text message earlier that I got a kick out of

where a guy said. Another technical problem with your morning show, Jesus Christ, you guys are such a pain in the ass. I know. I know. I know it's annoying. It's a great way to put it. I'm sorry. Congratulations. I'm sorry, I don't have a name behind this text. I haven't heard back yet, but congratulations to a fella or lady fellow who's heading to Green Bay. They are signing for their first house on Friday. Congrats to you. We're moving to Green Bay? Yeah, that's what they said.

Congrats? Should I not a second? Congratulations. My sympathies? How should I phrase it? Green Bay is a fine town. And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder.

On the half-ass morning show. Merton 5. He still has it. He's got Jefferson over here in the flat. Jefferson going for the Yarnage. He dives for the pylon. Sores through the air, and it's a touchdown. Oh, my goodness.

What a play by Justin Jefferson. He didn't want the first down. He wanted the touchdown, and he got it. Just for him to come in and do what he did and just kind of be a part of that calming presence that allowed our team to continue playing. Can't say enough about him. Jets, you know, the leadership, the consistency,

the competitive nature that he has. You know, Hawk, obviously, you know, Miles Price in the kicking game. responding and getting us a huge return. And then I thought the defense was just fantastic from flow on down on his staff to our players, the adjustments that got made. Yes, that's the voice of deeply troubled Vikings head coach,

Kelvin O'Connor. It was glorious before we all fall down and touch ourselves over yesterday's win. Let's greet our guests. Randy Shavers and Brad's writer. Good morning, good morning. Good morning. Good morning, fellas.

Well, first things first. Okay, first things first, yesterday's Viking game. She was the opener against the Green Bay Packers. The headline I read yesterday afternoon, Kyler Murrah exits Viking debut after brutal late hit? Would you guys define that as a brutal late hit? No, I would not. I would say that he got caught in an awkward spot.

Yeah. His helmet got pushed up. The guy, it was a late hit. It was not brutal. They make it sound like this was a Jack Tatum incident or something. No, no. If you slow down the video, which they did, he's sliding at the same time the defender is sliding. And so, yeah, the defender did hit him late, but the defender was sliding at the same time he was.

So I'm not sure what the defender is supposed to do. Awkward. Let's just go with the word awkward. Yeah, it was awkward. there were two guys, the first guy grabbed him kind of like from the head up and kind of pulled his helmet up. So the second hit was more about his head and neck. The positioning off the first guy. Yeah.

Right. Off his head and neck that was exposed, basically. So it was just one of those crazy plays. I mean. Bang, bang type of a thing. Yeah. I mean, it just, it's too bad. You know, would have been nice to see.

exactly he was going to be able to do with that offense yesterday, but it all worked out fine in the end, and that's all that matters. And it's not a leg injury or a knee injury or an ankle or something that's likely keeping it out for weeks. Well, the Vikings made a big silly comeback against the Green Bay Packers in the opener. Are you pumped? Thank you to the officiating. Yes.

My goodness. Thank you. Did you see who I get? The game ball to yesterday? Yes, the yellow flag. Yes. I mean, that drive to score that touchdown, that first one, when they had three penalties on third down that kept the drive alive, was insane.

One of them eliminated an interception. Yeah, I've never seen that before. I mean, they got so many breaks. One listener texted in to say, based on yesterday's Viking Packer game, do Vikings fans still think that the referees are out to get them? Right, exactly. I don't think anybody can have any arguments about the officiating in yesterday's game. And then I've seen people online saying, well, yeah, but they missed this.

We're in the game. That was such a crucial drive. If any of those three calls are not made, I don't think that they take the lead and then they don't win the game. Because everything that snowballed after that drive was because that drive was completed for a touchdown. The Vikings scored 22 points in the fourth quarter. They scored the last 29 points of the ball game. overall and the final final was 39 to 22. Lots happened. We already covered tired ass old Carson Wens came in after Kalamura got his bell rung in the first quarter.

I think the worst of those three penalties was that was the roughing the passer penalty. Yep. Yep. That was probably the worst of the three in my opinion. Yep. I'm sorry, I don't recall. But you know what though? Nick, you'd have been, you'd have been, I mean, you're a Vikings fan, so you wouldn't have been mad about it, but you would have been like, What are we doing here? Monday morning at 735, Brad Ryder decides to attack me and call me a Viking fan. He used to be. What kind of cold-blooded...

You mad at me or something? Carson Wentz had two touchdown passes to Justin Jefferson. They also connected on a two-point conversion. Says here now, Jordan Love. Packer quarterback Jordan Love was having a hell of a ball game. He was. But he melted down a long long. with the rest of the Packers.

They're calling it a meltdown. Love lost a fumble on a sack. He tossed an interception deep in Packers territory. And this article that I read at least is kind of attacking the Green Bay Packers for being dog feces. Going back to last season. They say the Packers picked up right where they left off.

Blown leads. A lot of blown leads. And again, you have to go back to last season. But they say they left off. They took up right where they left off. with a five-game losing streak to close out last season. Yeah. And we were just covering that on a key scoring drive in the second half.

The Packers committed four defensive penalties on that drive. Yep. Xavier McKinney's defect to Packer player. His defensive holding call erased an end zone interception by a Packer by the name of Evan Williams. And then Aaron Jones scored on the next play. So, yeah, they had some luck with the Z. Debras. Right, for sure.

And they have a lot to clean up. I mean, they gave up a lot of yards yesterday. Jordan Love carved them up until that fourth quarter. You know, the Vikings, Joanne Jennings had one target. Addison had two. They each had no catches. So there's a lot of things to clean up on the offensive side.

I told you that Addison Jordan dude was mediocre at best, but everybody wanted to. But they will. they've got plenty of opportunity to clean everything up. And, of course, they've got a really easy game this week going into Chicago. That's already a W. I mean, I agree with what you said about, you know, the injury not being an ACL or something like that. But they're also really cautious with concussions, which they should be in the NFL today. And so, you know, that might keep him out.

He'll keep him out. He won't play Sunday. He won't play Sunday. And Carson went, you know, I mean, obviously he's a capable of backup. but man, he leaves himself exposed for hits. I mean, he obviously is not very mobile. Yeah, he can't move around like you used to. No, and I have a weird feeling, and I hope I'm wrong, but I have a weird feeling.

Because of another injury, we might see JJ, you know, before Murray comes back. I hope that happens. I thought it was going to happen yesterday. I did, too. Yeah, I did too. Could have, yeah. Just one play away from that. One hit away. One hit away from nine.

So what in the hell happened in yesterday's Chicago Bears game where those peckerheads were able to score 59 points? My goodness. Just really terrible defense on both sides there for a long stretch of that game. 59. I mean, the whole game was... Ten away from the Promise Land, Josh says. That would have been a nice score.

Chicago was... They looked really good. 59 points they put up on the Carolina Panthers. otherwise yesterday. Well, the Detroit Lions could have easily lost that game to New Orleans. Oh, you should have. New Orleans scores a touchdown. Could have kicked the extra point and took their chances in overtime,

but instead they went for the touchdown. Didn't work out. But by damn, yeah, the next opponent for the Vikings would be the Chicago Bears on Sunday at Chicago. Tonight you got Denver at Kansas City. There were a lot of points scored overall, it seems to me, when I'm looking up and down the scoreboard here. Yep.

Clubs didn't really do a lot of practicing on defense before the season started. Yeah, I got to remember everybody, the preseason, the starters rarely play during the preseason. So you expect it to be sloppy in week one in a lot of different ways, and I think we saw some of that this week. Maybe the biggest surprise was the Arizona Cardinals beating the Los Angeles Chargers on the road. For sure.

Oh, by the way, old broken down Carson Wentz says here, not that it's any of our business, but it says here because of incentives in his contract, and this will make you working stiffs kick the dog when you get home. Because of incentives in his contract, old broken down Carson Wentz will earn an extra $100,000 for that win yesterday. According to someone called front office sports, Wentz contract includes a side deal,

Not like a Los Angeles Clippers Kauai Leonard side deal, but it includes a side deal that tosses a fresh 100 grand, Josh, into his bank account for every game where he plays 60% of the snaps and wins. That goes up, right? Yes, it does. The more games he plays, it goes to like 150. He has six of those opportunities, where if he plays 60% of the snaps and wins, he'll get 100 grand.

If he gets a seventh win of, that category, he'll get 150,000 thrown into his bank account. God, you've got to hate these guys. You know, I know that sounds like a lot of money, but in reality, I mean, for the pounding he's making, that's probably not enough.

Oh, I'll have been a little like to run me the F over for a hundred grade. Don't you ever say anything like that again? So, yeah, he just has to work a little bit. Compared to what some other people make, I'm just saying other athletes make, that's all I'm compared. Well, compared to other athletes. That's what I'm comparing.

it too. Because we had a bunch of, I was expecting a dozen guys with hard hats to run in here any minute now and say, I'll take 150 grand for that crap. For working a little over a half day. Yeah, right. Just 60% of the day. I'm comparing it to other athletes. I'm comparing you to other athletes too, and you ain't got a chance right now. All right. So there you go. You didn't answer my question, though. Are you pumped? For him? Yeah, I'm happy. for him. No, the Vikings in general for their win over the Packers. Does this make, does this make you think grand things?

No. No. Does this make you dream, big dreams? No. Josh, are you pumped? I mean, if I tuned in only for the fourth quarter, I might have been pretty excited, but I watched the first three. Yeah, exactly. I wasn't too pumped. But like

Randy said, you know, week one's a little sloppy. It sure was. You saw some shortcomings in the first three quarters? Yeah. Yeah. There you go. Some other NFL stuff here now. The Los Angeles Rams had their fans playing with themselves when they went and signed this Miles Garrett character. And now that poor bastard is injured.

It says here he's going to miss multiple weeks. Did they lose in their first game of the year? Yeah, they lost to the 49ers. In Australia. Oh, my damn. Miles Garrett injured. Matthew Stafford looked like he was 40 years. years old in that game.

He didn't look so good? Nope. He's so handsome, though. Who gives a rat's ass? He is pretty good looking. His teeth are incredible. Are those fake teeth? They got to be.

Or he paints them or something? I saw him on television last night. Actually, after the Vikings game was over, I couldn't reach the remote. And I was watching, I think, 60 minutes. And they interviewed the head coach of the Rams, and they interviewed, what's his name? We just said it out loud.

His teeth are incredible. They are. They're movie star teeth. I mean, you know, Josh, you know, like in the middle of the night when you get up the piss and you can't find your way, you grab your cell phone and you try to kind of find the flashlight? Sure. Matt Stafford's teeth, I think, could illuminate a room. Yeah, you don't need yourself. Could light the way.

Yes, they could. So someone tell me, did he get all his chicklets knocked down his throat years ago and that's a fake rack? I'm not to see if they're unbelievable. They're absolutely the most perfect teeth they've ever seen in my life. You know what? One, two, three, four, or five. The sixth thing, so I just wrote, are Matthew Stafford?

Yeah. The sixth thing is, are Matthew Stafford's teeth real? Unbelievable. People are looking that up. Yeah. Okay, so he's never publicly confirmed it, according to Google AI here. But dental experts and fans

widely suspect he has porcelain veneers. They got to be, dude. I mean, they are the most beautiful thing that I saw on television all of last night was Matthew Stafford's friggin chicklets. What else do I have football-wise here, or at least national

football league? Seattle Seeducks quarterback Sam Darnold is butt hurt. And I'm being literal with that. In the game they played the other night, their season opener against somebody, the story was that Darnold

hurt his hip, and that's going to keep him out for a couple weeks. A few experts have stepped up and said it's more of an ass injury. His glute. He's torn his glutes to pieces, they said. Oh, no. Yeah.

Kind of like what happened with our guy Joe Ryan. Yeah. It's an ass injury, which happens. So just in case you need to straighten that out, I don't know, if you keep tabs on that kind of thing for fantasy football. It's an ass injury. He's not a hip, which I think, didn't you yank an ass cheek loose, Josh, while dancing the macarena or something?

It wasn't even that. It was a slow dance at a wet. I went to the left. Everything was fine. A slow dance? I went left. I went right and that's where it gave up. It popped. Yeah. It doesn't one. I can pull the butt muscle.

Doesn't one cheek kind of hang lower than the other now? Yeah. I have to buy special jeans. I have a suspender on one side. Here's a question that's come into our Luther Blumenton Kia tax line. A question from millennial, pardon me, offended millennial Jesus. He checks in quite often. He has a question for me and the question.

is are my teeth real or did someone play an awful prank on you your teeth are new i got two new teeth yeah my front teeth are mine are too yeah the gap is the gap is gone that was a whole thing that was a whole thing i told the story on air they sandblasted those crooked two front teeth of mine down to just two dirty nubs and then they slapped on these it's beautiful now beautiful It was the same for me. You look, it's kind of scary. I can't spit the way I used to. Oh, really?

It's changed that. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. As soon as they pasted those things to my gums, I said, why the hell didn't I do this 30 years ago? I'm gorgeous now. You were gorgeous before. Yeah, can I tell the greatest tooth joke I ever fielded in my lifetime as a character with a giant gap in the two front teeth was

when a guy said to me that I had a gap in my teeth that even evil-can-eval wouldn't mess with. Yeah, I got new teeth. The Golden Gopher Football Club got pumped. Roll the boat, Skada! This past Saturday. Mississippi State University with their terrific starting quarterback. Yeah.

They whooped the gophers by a final final of 38 to 13. This quarterback's name is Camario Taylor. He looked kind of like the second coming of Mike Vic. Mississippi had another kid out in the ball field by the name of fluff Bothwell. First name of fluff. Never met a fluff. Last name, Bothwell. Met some fluffers, but not a fluff.

Have you really? What were you doing hanging out with people from that industry? It's none of your damn business. Fluff, Bothwell ran in a couple of touchdowns. It wasn't a good matchup for the Golden Gophers. They just couldn't keep up. Took a lot of penalties. Mississippi State looked like the far superior ball club.

So my homeboy, PJ, Flax, got a little work to do, I guess. Up next, the Golden Gophers put a lid on their non-conference schedule this coming Saturday with a game against the Zips. The Zips of Akron. The University of Akron Zips. And I took this smooth off the internet. The Zips team nickname comes from the word zippers, obviously, which was the name. of a popular type of rubber overshoe made in the 20s and 30s.

So the next time, well, when you see the Zips on Saturday, you can at the bar, you can trade that trivia question back and forth. They were named after a pair of popular shoes in the 20s and 30s. In 19 and 25, Akron University held a campus-wide contest to choose a nickname for their ball clubs. Let's see what you make of some of the other choices that were passed up. The golden blue devils. It's kind of confusing.

Are we golden or are we blue? How do you decide? It's not gold and blue devils. It's golden blue devils. The tip-toppers. Remember, this is 19 and 25. Right. The tip-toppers.

The rubbernecks. I was just going to say, isn't Akron kind of the place where Goodyear tire is located? And so it all kind of makes sense. that they're, because you talk about over shoes. We used to call those rubbers when I was a kid. Right. You put them over your dress shoes so they wouldn't get wet. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. They also considered the hillbillies. That's great. That would have been my pick, I think, Josh. Me too. If I was alive. If I had a vote.

What would your mascot look like? I'm probably one of my uncles. Somebody's like. Hill Toppers. Yeah, that's Western Kentucky. Yep. That's right. They also considered the kangaroos.

But they settled with the zips. Kangaroo panties. Do you remember that it was Akron, and Randy Schaber thought this was the most ridiculous idea in the history of football? It was the University of Akron who had that contest a few weeks ago where a season ticket holder could win the opportunity to be the offensive quarter. for their first drive of the football season. So that's the team that's coming to town Saturday to play the Golden Gophers.

They did the offensive coordinator for a day contest, and they went through with it in their first game of the season against Robert Morris. Do you want to hear how it all played out? Yeah. How did it go against Bobby Morris? They hired him. A season ticket holder by the name of Marty Wims. He won the contest.

It allowed him to call their first offensive series of the season. So he met up with the Zips head coach the night before the ball game. The Zips head coach, for the record, is a feller by the name of Joe Moorhead. And they drew it up together. On game day, the Zips picked up a first down. Things were going well. They appeared to have another first down deep in Robert Morris, Morris territory. But Akron receiver Marcel Wollum fumbled and the drive was over.

So just when this, what was his name again, Marty Wims, the season ticket holder, just when he got into a groove and was calling some plays and getting some first down, they had a fumble. But this guy had some great quotes, this contest winner, Marty. He said he has much more appreciation for what goes into calling a judge. drive, the complexity of what goes into organizing an offensive drive. He said, having kids getting married, those are big life events for me. But outside of that, this was my 15 minutes of fame.

I'll bet. He said, despite popular opinion in Akron, he said, there is nothing about winning this contest that all of a sudden has made him a Division I quality head coach. players in the locker room, though, before the game, were calling him coach, which I thought was pretty funny. He led the team out under the field. He admitted that the players were a lot faster than he is. And after they fumbled on that drive that he was calling, he got it from the fans. Someone in the front row said, shouldn't have called that fumble, coach.

What are you doing out there? So there you go. He had a good time with it. That's fun. We had a good time. Oh, by the way, the mascot for the Akron Zips is a female kangaroo named Zippy. So you'll see Zippy on the sideline this Saturday. She's a female kangaroo.

I'll look for it. Fopers are paying Akron $1.2 million to play them on Saturday. Well, that's the regular thing they always do, right? Oh, yeah. That's the going rate. Yeah, there's nothing extraordinary about that. Saturday night, college football, there was a big comeback or a collapse. It depends on who you ask.

When the University of Texas beat number one Ohio State 24 to 23, the Longhorn scored 21 points in the fourth quarter. It was a big massive gang bang. Yeah. Is that trouble anybody that Ohio State had to lose a ball game? No. No. Ohio State had previously won 197 games in a row when they were up 20 points in the final quarter listen to these names now who was the guy we had from mississippi state fluff hothwell uh texas has

a running back josh by the name of hollywood smothers that rules that does rule he's one of the smothers there was dick and there was he might be the smothers brothers he may be the smothers brothers grandson john dick tom and uh now hollywood smothers we had a hollywood here in town didn't we go ahead Who was it? Hollywood. Well, the Cowboys had Hollywood Henderson. No, no, no. Here in town, I believe we've only had one athlete here in town

in the history of Minnesota sports whose name was Hollywood. Gosh, I kind of remember somebody, but I don't... Played for the Timberwolves. Timberwolves. I don't remember. He was a guard. Here's another hint for you. I sat directly behind him at a Chris Rock concert many years ago.

Hollywood Robinson. I don't remember. Really? None of you remember? No. James. His real first name was James. And I always got a big kick out of hearing Trent Tucker say James Hollywood Robinson, the way he said it was just beautiful.

Yeah, look him up. He played for the Timblewell. Sat behind him at the Chris Rock Show, Josh. Did he enjoy it? Oh, he and I were both having a good time. I bet it sucks sitting behind an NBA player at anything. Oh, no, he was slouch way down. He had like this.

His thing was this. He was slouching. way down. That was his gimmick. That's good. He was, Hollywood Robinson was so cool. He doesn't sit up in his chair, not even for Kid Rock. Or not kid, what did I say? Chris Rock. Chris Rock. He was slouched way down so I can see over him quite easily. NBA Jesus texted him with the correct answer. James Hollywood Robinson.

But yes, Bradrider, Hollywood Henderson was an outstanding outside linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys in the 70s when they were going to the Super Bowl every other year with Roger Stalbach and Tony Dorset. Dated one of the Pointer Sisters. He did. He dated the correct pointer sister, too. Anita. Uh-huh. They did a lot of cocaine.

Hollywood Robinson did cocaine on the field during the Super Bowl. We were forced to read his book in high school. He had an autobiography called Out of Control, I believe, if you want to look that up. I read the life story of James, pardon me. What the hell was his real first name? Thomas. Thomas. Hollywood Henderson, exactly.

Yep. And Josh, he and Anita Pointer. Really? You want to know what? What? They got it on. Together. Yes, they did.

Nice. And I've always, oh, you and I have always lusted after the Pointer Sisters. They got it on. They did. When they sang that song, their version of slow hand, I'll tell you where my hands are going. Oh, no, my word. Not so slow. I bet.

I want a man, they said, with a slow. Low hand. I love when they did that. Yeah, he did some blow during the Super Bowl. What are we got here? The Twins got smoked in the final of their weekend home series with Cleveland. It turned out to be 9 to 2. So now the Guardians might even take over the elite in the American League Central,

if you care. Yeah, they're not that far away from the White Sox. Half a game, I thought I read. Yeah. Twins are, you know, five and a half. Wouldn't that be a crazy collapse if the White Sox somehow collapsed their way out of the playoffs? Oh, out of the playoffs completely. Boy, that would be something, yeah.

That would be crazy. Oh, God. So things are looking pretty grim for the twins. Yeah, they're done. They're cooked. Yeah, it's done. And we mentioned Joe Ryan earlier. Boy, I wonder what it's going to take to get him back on track.

Joe Ryan has earned as many wins this year as Tanner Bybee of Cleveland, who finished with six wins and like 15 losses. They have the exact same number of wins this year, which if you would have said back in the summertime, they would end up with the same number of wins. I would have said, you're crazy. There's no way. Joe Ryan. It's been rough.

He's 0 and 5 with a. 8.48 ERA in five starts since the All-Star game. He just does not look like himself. No, it's been rough. Twins and Yankees play the first of three tonight here in town. Usually there's a little more excitement for that series, but the situation the twins are in, it's not probably thrilling too many people.

Yeah. Laser Jesus texts it in to say, wow. Doing cocaine while playing in the Super Bowl. That's got to be a peak human experience. Yeah. Not a lot of folks can say that they, where was your favorite place to snort rails, Randy, back when cocaine was,

Oh, gosh. Like a nightclub or a? Yeah, you know, just outside the alibi. Outside the back door at the alibi. Ah, man. Yep. Nothing better. right before getting on those track shoes and running the 400.

Oh, yeah. Well, certainly ran a lot faster after. Here's an interesting question from a listener. Connecting with my dealer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's an interesting question from a listener. And again, I read this gentleman's book, although it was 38 years ago or something like that.

Speaking of Hollywood Henderson, Thomas Hollywood Henderson, the old Dallas Cowboy linebacker, I hope he's still breathing and everything. I just don't know the answer. But someone asked this, maybe someone would look this up. Didn't he win the lottery a couple times? I don't know about that. Yeah.

He's still alive. Now look up the lottery. Did he win the lottery a couple of times? Oh, it says he won it twice. What? Oh. Like what did he win? $28 million.

What? In March of 2000. Are you boning me? Wow. The guy got to... He got... He got... He won't like the powerball?

They call it the Lotto Texas jackpot. First, Anita pointer, and now this. Which would you pick? It gets $10.4 million after taxes. Win the lottery? Or $10.4 million? $10.4 million or to be... I take it every year.

I take a little bit every year. Anita or we're talking money? Back in the... Today, I mean, she's no longer with us either. No, she checked out. So the question is, would I take $10 million or be Anita Pointer's regular squish?

Yeah. For six, eight months while the both of us are high on cocaine. That's right. Jeez, that's the toughest question. I've fielded it all day long. Does she want a man with a slow hand? She does. Is she going to get excited? She'll get excited. Because she just can't hide it?

Are we doing the neutron bands? What was that? I just said, does she want to love her with an easy touch? I just kept going with the lyrics. I don't know, Cubby. I just don't know. Oh, oh, Christ. Someone texted in and said,

someone texted in to say, what happened to Nick's Viking Victory ukulele song. You sang a little earlier. Last week, Randy said, because we were talking about my ukulele. Josh gifted me a ukulele a few months ago, and Randy suggested, Maybe I play a song.

Yes, like Denny Green used to do. Like Denny used to do on the Dennis Green show. That's correct. Which was co-hosted by Randy Shaver in the 90s to play a victory song. Right. As luck would have it, I brought my ukulele into the building. Yes. The Vikings are my sunshine.

My only stinking sunshine. I want to do terrible things to Anita Pointer. If you would build me a time machine and take me back to the 80s, you will never know dear. I forgot where I go with that one. There's another chord here that I learned. How much I, please don't take the Vikings and Anita pointer and all that cocaine away. Very nice. Thank you, Randy.

Very nice. Now, Josh, you sing it fast. I forgot the lyrics already. Very nice. This one's the toughest one, this chord here. Then I come back to, you probably won't need that next week. You could probably leave the ukulele at home. Oh.

I like the theme of making it after maybe a lost love or a celebrity that crush that you had, a new one every time. Throwing that in? Okay. Yeah. I can work with that, Brad Rider. women that I've had crushes on. Yeah, celebrity crushes.

Celebrity crushes. Oh, by the way. There's a few. There's a handful. Back to the Twins, though, we learned that Byron Buxton is all done. He's going to have that hip surgery. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how it goes. We wish him the best. I think that's supposed to happen this week or something. They're going to tear his hip out. What do they do? They scrape it. They clean it. Straighten it out.

You guys know anybody who's had that hip replacement? No. I do. I do, too. Yeah. I know a guy's had it done three times. Wow. Oh, I was going to say, because I thought it was one of those, it was just dramatic.

The difference was. Yes. Like knees, too. It was immediate. Yeah, immediate. Yeah. What was really interesting was the first time this guy had his hip replaced. When he would walk around, if everyone was totally quiet,

in his home or wherever we were at, we could hear it go. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's kind of cool. I'm having gum graft surgery this week. That'll be fun. I've had that.

My mom just did that. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Not fun. What's the problem? Your gums are receding and then if they don't fix them, your teeth are going to fall out? Yeah, yeah. So I'm getting one, I had one half done actually last year. I'm having the other half on Wednesday.

See, people, is that from too much? Too much. What the hell is that? That's your friend walking. Oh. Brad, is that from too much oral sex? I can attest to the fact that it's not. Too much oral sex is sending Brad Ryder to the dentist.

Too much oral sex is sending Brad Ryder to the dentist. He goes down. And round and round and round. And now his teeth look like garbage. We learned this on this show from a dentist that they can tell if you're somebody who provides that to people. Really? Oh, my God. How do they tell?

Your breath? Your breath. Oh, my. God. Brad smells like oral sex. Brad smells like oral sex. Oh, my God. I'm sorry I brought it up now.

Yeah, you are. I am sorry for you. He's jacking off. I'm sorry about that, Brad, Ryder. You have to have gum graft. Randy, you had the procedure? I have, yes. It's not fun at all.

It hurts? Nope. I had two or three teeth done. on one half of my mouth last year and I'm having two or three on the other half done Wednesday and from the experience last year no it's not fun it's about a week and a half long recovery before the stitches

come out oh god you can't really dive into a bucket of peanut bread two after that nope well that's not right hey it was on this date in 19 and 94 that baseball went on strike

and they missed the world series. Oh, yeah. That was a drag. It was devastating as a kid. Sorry Montreal Expos. Because they probably were in line to win the whole friggin thing. That was a dark time.

No World Series. How long ago was it when there was no Stanley Cup final final? 10, 12, 13, 15 years ago. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. So there you go. You got a lot of dental assistance. and whatnot texting in.

Oh, yeah? Well, they're trying to help you out. They're saying, don't be so scared of the... Nobody said scared. It's just not fun. Well, of course not. You know, none of those procedures.

They numb you up. I mean, you don't feel a thing until after it wears off. See, that's exactly what... Oh, my God. I hate that. It's the drill. Yeah.

It's not even a drill. They take a scalpel to the gum, And they cut it. They cut you up. There's a lot of blood. But a couple of them have texted in folks who work in the dentistry field, and they've said, we give you some pretty good dope. You'll be all right.

But I don't wish that on anybody. Is there anybody who, a lot of folks just run screaming from the dentist. So I get it. That's true. I totally get it. 20 years ago, says a couple of our listeners, was when the National Hockey League had to put a lid on the Stanley Cup final final, 20 frigging years ago. All right.

I was just going to say, speaking of anniversary, about 25 years ago back in 2001 around this time, is when the twins were threatened to be contracted at the end of the 2001 season. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sucked eggs. Ooh, Jesus. A listener is suggesting, Josh, did I get a double-neck ukulele? Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, is there such a thing?

I don't know. Or one of those three-necked ukuleles like Steve I used to have the heart shape. Oh, God, he plays that in the Just Like Paradise Video. He does. 1988, what record skyscraper? Track three, side one. This turned out to be a drag and a huge shock to everyone. It seems as if that man versus chimpanzee fight might have been,

just a scam. Oh, really? Really? Shocking. We talked about it last week. Yeah, this totally pulled the rug out from under my household when we found out that it's better than it could have been, I suppose. What do you mean? Like it wasn't an advertisement for Bitcoin or something. Oh, sure. Yeah. So this MMA fighter who a couple people... No offense to Bitcoin. Just threw that out there. I hear you. And a couple people have texted in to tell me that this MMA fighter is from here in Minnesota. Okay, I'll go along with it by the name of Cole Johnson. He got everyone talking last week, including this here radio show.

We were very excited. Cole Johnson said he had been offered a half a million dollars to fight a chimpanzee to the death. Oh, God, they had conversations about how there was going to be like an Australian, like a what was his name again Paul Hogan Crocodile Dundee type character in the gym

with a long range a trank rifle to put the chimp down if they had to they had all this planned out but I guess it was all just a scam what should say here

Cole Johnson he ended up dumping an Instagram post on everyone saying that instead of watching a chimpanzee and a human kill each other on television, people should donate money to help the chimpanzees. I didn't know they were in trouble, but that's not the point. Cole Johnson also shared a screenshot of something called the Jane Goodall Institute website,

and he claimed he had made a donation to the organization. So I think this was all just a joke to get us to pay attention and then donate some money to help the chimpanzees. Is that a safe assumption, Josh? That's my understanding. Now somebody saying it was a crypto ad. I'd heard it was for animal conservation, but maybe it was a crypto. If it is actually for animal conservation, that's awesome.

You can do it again then. I don't care. Whatever it was, it never happened. Now he's appealing to all of us to help protect chimpanzees. Instead of watching a human and a chimpanzee tear each other's limbs off. Which ones are the ones that I've always wanted, Josh, where they sit on a little tricycle and smoke cigarettes and drink beer all day. It was like a little monkey. What is that one?

They got the one that can. It's a capuchin? Maybe it's a capuchin. That sounds right. They can ride a child's tricycle. They love cigarettes and beer. You can usually put a t-shirt on them without very much trouble or maybe a backwards hat. Oh, for Christ's sake, this is terrible.

This is a request from a listener. Since my songs, my ukulele songs are due anytime the Vikings win a game, he wants me to change the lyrics. Okay. Want me to change the lyrics to this. Oh, this is a snot rocket cheeses. Terrible idea, Snot Rocket Cheeses. I'm going to go ahead anyway.

You are my skull shine. Oh, my gosh. My only skull shine. You will lose in the playoffs quite dramatically. If you even make it, you will lose disgustingly. But we will stick around for a while anyway. We will stick around for a while. Scream for me, Twin Cities.

We're going to hear that. Scream for me, Twin Cities. Saturday night, Iron Maiden at Mystic Lake Amphitheater. That's wasted years. You're shredding. I'm doing wasted years. Sounds good. From a coast of gold.

across the seven that's all I got in me for I'm never picking up my ukulele live on the program ever again you want to know why Josh? I can't ever do it again unless you just texted in and said I sound like Adam Sandler Are they mad at you again? It seems like everybody's mad at you today.

I'm going to break it. Don't break it. No. He's going Jeff Jared on it. I'm going to smash it right over the printer. Don't know. Don't do that. They're just trying to be mean.

I don't even know where the printer is. Don't do it. I'll kill you. Leave it alone. All right. That's enough. That's enough for today. I can't believe you'd put the printer.

I got to even move this thing. Son of that. Bitch, bastards. You guys talk to you guys tomorrow. Thanks, Randy and Brad. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here.

I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93x to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer.

Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. It's football season.

On Polly Market, trade your football predictions against other fans before and during the game. You can even combine multiple trades with polymarket combos. Promocode WW CFB. New customers deposit $10 and get $50 instantly to start trading. 18 plus. See Polymarkets terms of service for more information about restrictions and eligibility. The Polymarket app is an independent affiliate of Polymarket U.S. and not CFTC regulated.

Trading always involves risks. Complete loss can occur. The $50 offer is issued as not withdrawalable trading credit for use on the platform. Offer exclusively available to first-time depositors. Not available in all jurisdictions. Half-assed morning show. 93X. Ah, cripes.

It's Monday. total nightmare but you know what then we think about all of you wonderful bastards out there in our listening audience and it pulls us through a little pepp in our step so thank you and welcome back to the program ski what the hell were we talking about earlier that i wanted to mention again there was something oh yeah i got it now josh said he could have easily gotten laid at elko speedway over the weekend That's not at all what I said. You had a riot. You went to Elko Speedway to watch the races. It was a blast.

You were thrilled. You hadn't been there in years and years, and you said you could have easily added another notch to your belt. A couple of them. The last part's not true, but I was mad at myself that I don't go there more often. Honestly, that was so much fun. Even if you're not racing, I think you should go.

Speaking to everybody, I brought a friend who's not into it, but by the end of the night, he was very into it. And you've become so enamored now with live racing that you've upped and decided to build yourself a race car. Yeah, I was given a tire by one of the racers, Brent Kane, on Saturday night. Technically, you gave it to my friend's son, but I stole it on the way home. And since I brought it up earlier, people have been so kind because they want to help my racing career.

They've started donating other things, and my race cars coming together. It's like that old Johnny Cash song, right, about, that Ford and all the pieces that he stole, yeah, whatever that. And it's kind of happening that way. You started with a tire? What do you have? I started with one tire. Now I have two tires.

Yes. I have a 10 millimeter wrench if I can find it. Somebody said they lost it. I have a racing suit. I have a steering wheel. A racing suit. I have a helmet. I have wind chilled wipers.

I have somebody said they just redid their wife's brakes. So he's going to find some of the old brake parts. you in that racing suit, that I got to see. You've seen me in a racing suit. Yeah. I have. We put on Dr. Pease. Dr. Peas' motorcycle racing suit.

You looked good. I don't remember that. Did you look like 10 pounds of monkey turds in a 5-pound bag? Probably. I'm sure I look pretty stupid. Well, that's very exciting. Yeah, thank you for everybody. I got a couple people who said they have no experience whatsoever working on cars,

but they'll be a part of the pit crew. I'll be racing within the next couple of years. That's really cool. I'm glad you had such a fun experience and I'm excited to see your race car once it's up and running. Yeah, I want to shout out Jason, one of the owners there. He was nice enough to show us around.

Sounds like you got a third tire being donated now that I'm reading the text messages here. You've got a third tire. Oh, that's great. Dude, you're so close. One left-handed lug nut has also been donated to you building your... Are you going to give it a name? You're going to call it Lucille or something like that?

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, how do you... Or would you give it a more intimidating name? Do you name a race car? The Pegging Mobile or something. Will you give it a... That would be appropriate. Do you name a race car?

Yeah. Maybe not as common as your boat or your guitar or something. Hogbauer Automotive. They reached out. They said they'd sponsored. I might have to get a couple other sponsors. Third Avenue and Main Street. Now, speaking of how easily Cubby could have pulled a sex partner,

out the stands there at Elko. I don't know why. It says here in 20 and 26, 20 and 26, we barrel-chested, tank-assed Minnesotans are on average. How should I say this? We Minnesotans, on average,

have knocked out 21 sexual partners in our lifetime. Body count. Yeah, some folks use that term, the body count. Yep. 21. And I think that's gone up a little bit. Well, it's higher than I would have thought. I thought it was down like, you know, six to eight, I thought was kind of the average.

Oh, really? Yeah, I thought it was lower than that. Maybe now that you said that out loud. That sounds more right. I don't remember it being in the 20s for sure. Maybe we're just whores here in the Midwest. Hors. The American average overall has gone up.

What does it say here? They did a poll in 20 and 21 and asked everybody, how many folks have you bumped with? Back in 20 and 21, folks, the average answer was around 14. That's jumped up to 20 now. That's all around America. Here in Minnesota, we're folding above the average. American average is 20.

We've landed 22, pinned them. Three count. So overall in America, overall in America, I should say, there's been a 40% increase in sexual partners. Wisconsin, they're struggling. They're struggling. They whack off a lot. But they can't seem to pull down too many partners on average in Wisconsin,

probably because of their looks, their personality. They're only at about 12, the average number of sexual partners' lifetimes, 12 in Wisconsin. That's quite a difference. They've got to come here to Minnesota and have some intercourse. They do. They should. They do. We'll give it to you.

We're being defeated, though, if you care, by the Iwo-Eugents. They're up to 25. Well, they've got no standards. That could be. That does help. It does. They're up to 25 sexual partners in their lifetime. Now, apparently South Dakota, some bitches couldn't get laid with a $100 bill hanging out their zipper.

It says here, more or less, that the average body count for a South Dakota is so low it didn't even make the national report. Like there's a number there that's so low, it's not even acknowledged by the rest of us. Well, that's not right. No. Man, living in South Dakota and not getting laid? That's a horrible combo. Sorry. There's like nobody in South Dakota, right?

I got screwed up. It's North Dakota. Oh, even worse. North Dakota. Sorry, everybody to confuse you. South Dakota's not terribly active either. They're sitting at about nine. South Dakota is the 46th most populous state in the United States.

So, yeah, they just don't have enough people to go around. I mean, you probably have to, like, have a couple that you repeat. Yeah, kind of take turns. You don't lose your wife. You lose your turn. Yeah, they don't have a lot of folks living in South Dakota. So like Josh said, once you start pairing up with one, you usually shrug your shoulders and go, ah, I'll stick with this one because what are the chances I'm going to need another?

Yeah. North Dakota and Wyoming and Alaska, they're either very loyal to their partners, like right from the stinking get-go like you marry the gal you were dating in seventh grade or they just don't bump a lot north dakota wyoming and alaska those are the folks with numbers so low they didn't even print them up in the national ranking people are checking in with their body counts it's a it's an even mix it seems between people above and below that number what's the highest you've seen so far 46 wow we were oh here go mid 50s oh i went on a couple of dates with a dude and the body counts came up and we're just, you know, going back and forth about it.

And I was like, oh, geez, I don't know. I think at the time around 10 somewhere. And then he was like, oh, boy. It's like, oh, do I have to get ready for this? I, it was like my first time since, like, getting out and dating since being married. And then before that, having, like, high school boyfriend. So it's the first time I've, like, that's somebody that, like, has had time to, like, go out and about and be a person and go to college. and it was in the 70s.

I was like, wow. It's a lot of... It's exciting when you hit... That's a lot of girls. What a pimp. When you hit 70, like that is a pretty good milestone. I will say,

this is also the guy that when my... My husband saw a picture of him. I can't remember how he saw him, but I was like, yeah, that's the one I went on like a couple dates before I met you. And he was like, wow, you really out kicked your coverage on that one.

So, thank you. Thank you so much. He was very handsome. Yeah. And he had 70-some-some past sexual partners? And so what, what, why didn't you go for that guy? Love bomb. Love bomb? Yeah, I got love bombed. I don't know. What does that, what does that mean? That means when they say that they love you way too

early. Oh. Meet parents, stuff like that. Here's the leader that I've seen. They are showing up, I was going to say coming in fast. They are showing up fast. This person said a kept track up until a hundred. And there's probably about 10 to 12 more, although only one in the last eight years. Just back and forth. I stopped to keep it track a while ago. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. It wasn't just because I didn't, well, I used to have like a list.

And then. A lot of folks do make a list. Yeah, but then that felt weird. Well, I shouldn't say a lot, but that actually comes into the conversation here. One in five Americans admit, at meat isn't a word. One in five Americans admit to keeping an active list of their sex partners. past sex parts. Some of them write it down. Some of them keep it all in their noggin. Some of them save the list on something called their phone's notes app.

I could see that if it's something where you find out, oh, I've got to make some phone calls. Maybe you've got to get back to certain people. Oh, a sexual transmitted disease. I had it in my notes app. It wasn't for anything else other than just my pure memory. Give us the rundown. Open up your notes app. I don't have it anymore. Gary, Steve, Ronnie, Donnie, Donnie, Ronnie.

A little bit of Ron. Sylvester. Now, somebody here claims that they have a 250-plus body count. Word? That seems like how do you have time for anything else? Honestly. Here's another person. What is the name of their current record, and where are they on tour?

No kidding. Here's somebody else. I don't know if they want me to read the names. Close to 200. If I went to a four-year call, if I went off and, like, went to St. Cloud or Winona or gosh, oh, Lord, if I went to a different state, I could see it being troubling. The body count would, it would be, it'd be struggling here. Anybody here unhappy with their number for one reason or another?

No. No. Not at all. Why? I'm cool. I'm just wondering if, like, because some people are saying they're a little embarrassed that they're so high. A couple other people are saying, man, I feel like a failure. I'm a little low. Well, we're not trying to ruin anybody's day. You're doing all right. I don't care what your number is. You're doing all right. Yeah. Now, a few people have texted in their theory on why North Dakota,

North Dakotans, have such a low body count number that it didn't even factor in the final report. Almost all of the 50 states have a number, like I said. Minnesota, the average is, what did I say, 21 people. But it was North Dakota, Wyoming, and Alaska that were so low. low. So some people are saying it's because North Dakota's are good Christians. Some

are saying that they're very loyal, but others are saying, hey, you only got so many family members to go around. Anybody ever been bothered by a partner's body count? Never asked once. The last one kind of, I just like stepped back a little bit, but then I was like, well, why do I

care? I've never really care. I've never asked. I've never asked. I was a little shocked. Never cared. Once or twice. I cared more when I was younger. Of course. Oh, did you? Yeah, like freshly 21 out at the bar. Yeah, I would like real when anybody would say,

geez, anything over like 20. I guess I never considered it any of my business at all. So I never asked once. Yeah, I've never brought it up. It's come up. I still, you guys, you know how I am on this. I don't understand these people who, you know, they refuse to hear their significant other.

stories about their exes. You're talking about your ex? Again, the average schmuck's life didn't begin when you showed up. I don't get that. There are people who just, I mean, they will come uncorked if their significant other even mentions an ex. I don't get it.

What are you so afraid of? Right. That was then. But they're out there. Race horse trainer Jesus says body count. So those are yearly numbers, right? No, no, no. These are lifetime numbers. Lifetime. Yeah, not 250 a year.

Now, maybe this all makes sense. So, North Dakota, sorry, we're not trying to pick on you, but the arithmetic is here. You just didn't factor in in this story at all on sexual partners. Maybe this all makes sense, then, when the next statistic I have to dump on you says that, North Dakotans spend more. More on only fans than anybody else in the United States of America. And they need something up there. I haven't thought about only fans in a long time.

And Josh, you know this. It was almost a daily conversation for a while. Yep, only fan. And when it first came out of control. We had so many stories about only fans, this. And this gal will fart in a jar. And if you give her $300. And this gal has 18.

million followers. She pees in a cup and then there were legitimate models and then the weird ones. But this is the first I've heard of OnlyFans in a long time and it actually has been quite pleasant. I got wildly burned out on this subject. Well, I think specifically you were burned out on people saying, I made $1.5 million. Oh, Jesus. You know, sending pictures of my nipples or something. I didn't buy it.

It was tough to believe. I didn't buy it. And there was always those ones that were like, can you believe it? I'm a regular stay-at-home mom and I'm on only fans. Isn't that wild? That is wild. Oh, can you believe it? I'm a kindergarten teacher and I'm on only fan. I'm going to need that website. Yeah, we got all types out there, Cubby. Some are saying, 102. Gosh, that's nuts. Others are saying, two. And I suppose keeping

mind, a listener says, keep in mind, when a woman tells you her body count, it's probably you double it. That was the old saying. And then with a guy, you cut it in half. Yep. Yeah, that's not wrong. With a woman, when you hear that number, double it. She's being modest.

I don't think I've ever told a guy like my true body count when they've asked. When you hear a guy, cut her in halfskies. Yeah, North Dakota is whacking off to Only fans even more than they are in Nevada. And Nevada's like the porn. capital of, you know, Las Vegas. North Dakota is going against Las Vegas.

And to me, that's an upset. I think that's an upset victory. Yeah, I'd agree. Well, maybe it's something to do with prostitution being legal. In Nevada. True.

You don't need to watch. You don't need to pay for Onlyfans. You can pay for some actual ass. Step out your front door. Go buy a BJ down the road at the, the Iow Asians made the top 10 as far as money spent on Only fans.

The Iroegians did. I don't see us in here. We were 18. We're always in the middle. Yeah, there's, but it's the report breaks it down in a million different categories, right? So like Minneapolis was in the top 10 cities by spending density at number six. They get all wordy about it. They get all technical.

Okay, well. Interesting. Yeah, there's, I mean, I think we made somewhere in the neighborhood of 13 different categories between Minneapolis and St. Paul. Rochester, by the way, made the list. Oh, yeah? Good for them. Rochester, Minnesota made the only fans list. Yeah, 143rd on a list of cities by spend per 10,000 adults. They're not even going to make the friggin tournament.

143rd. Here's an interesting theory from Iowa Hillbilly Jesus, who says North Dakota folks can't get laid because all they have, they all have poop in their mustache? What the hell are you talking about? Why? Why is there poop in the mouth? Gross.

What happened? I don't know. How do you get to put with a mustache? I could take some guesses, but my word. We were having a conversation about the average body count. The average amount of lifetime sexual partners by state. We found out here in Minnesota, the average swinging D or V checks in at about 21 lifetime sexual partners. I was a little surprised via text.

It seems most people are over that number, if not well, over that number. Well, those are the ones that want to share. Nobody's going to text it and say they're at five. A couple people did they? Okay. I was just seeing a lot of the high ones. It looked like people were kind of wanted to brag. They like randoms a little more down south of here, the Iwo-Egians. They like their randos.

They got a higher average than we do. Lower average out there in Wiscoe. Again, probably because of their looks and their personality. Very little action. in North Dakota and South Dakota is just not enough to go around. That's kind of what we decided. It's not enough to go around.

Here are some text messages. Oh, by the way, we discussed OnlyFans also. North Dakota whips off to OnlyFans way more than the rest of us here in America. The North Dakotans pants around their ankles looking at OnlyFans day in, day out. Josh, if you heard, to the reverse only fans.

No. Fiber splicing Jesus is involved in a gimmick he calls reverse only fans. That's where he sends a D-pick to you every day until you pay him

$15 a month to stop. That's so smart. The hell that I write down here. He'd be waiting a long time for me to pay the guy, that's for sure. Keep him coming, Josh says. One list of says if he was to make a list of all of his past sexual partners you'd have to make that list

on a toilet paper roll he's done a lot of bumping with different partners which biblically is the way god would have wanted it i think if i remember correctly nope nope you have a bad memory on that yeah i made myself a note here and now i can't read it all right i think folks should be just fine wherever they're sitting yeah yeah you're good be happy with yourself be happy with you your gear and a lot of folks don't like their own gear. Be happy with it. Let's move on. Eventually, we got to move on it. I mean, we here in America, we're so friggin obsessed with how much we bump and

our gear. It's probably good like if your body count doesn't go up even though you're married, you know? Like, you just try and keep that body count like as is. Close. The day you get married, it should stay. As long as you can keep it close. Now, I don't want to, what do they say?

yuck somebody else is yum. I'm just saying, as a general rule, I think that's how it's going to go. Well, so you're saying, let's say a guy gets married, he's got 20. Yeah. That's his career number. Yeah.

And then after the first year of marriage, he gets up to 30. So that's okay? That seems like it's not okay. That's not okay. All right, I don't understand the rules. What else do we talk about? Oh, back to body counts or whatever the, you know, lifetime sex partners.

Thank you for asking intermediate Jesus. Intermediate Jesus. He says, are you guys going to have a kind of a reserve spot on the boat Friday to pump up those numbers? Will we have like a private room where people can. It's just a curtain. Yeah, exactly. No, it's a free-for-all. Just go wherever you want.

Thank you for bringing up the boat. We'll see you this Friday for those of you who bought tickets. Thank you for bringing up the boat. Can't wait. Did you guys get the set list? That's what I was going to bring up next now. we were curious about the band rock brigade we weren't sure if we've ever seen rock brigade okay so it's this friday seven to ten mighty mississippi thank you to paddleford riverboats to look out in maple

groves going to make us some food there'll be booze brought to you by anytime bail bonds hogbauer automotive the band rock brigade we were wondering what uh what they might have in store for us and yeah somebody found their set list their average set list. Now, I hope they don't consider this like a spoiler alert or anything. They sent it to us. Okay. Yeah, so they must be cool with it. I'll name the song. You name the band. Are you ready, Josh? All right. This is part of, just give you some of what,

love and touch, and squeezing. Journey. I hate myself for loving you. Oh, what's her name? Not Pat Benatar. Who does that song? Not for Christ's sake. We're stuck on number two already. I thought not really. I hate my... I love rock and roll. Yeah, I know, but yeah, I can't remember. All right. Was it Joan Jett?

Yes. Isn't that what I said? I heard you say it once. Well, maybe I said Pat Bennett. Yes, you did. American Girl. So anyway, Rock Brigade will be there. Jesus Christ.

Why is it just me? I was waiting for my cohorts. You're the guy. I didn't know it's just for me. I got Journey. Ooh, roll with the changes. Your mom. Ariel Speedway.

I don't even want to play anymore. Josh is taking his ball and going home. No, I was trying to like open it up. Working for the weekend. Well, if nobody's going to do it, fine, I'll do it. 38 special. All right. They play runaway, stop dragging my heart around.

I thought you were going to yell at me for that. Well, I can tell you've given up already. Crazy. They play some Ozzy. They play some poison. They play, who else do they play here? Oh, Brian Adams. Plink 182, Dana.

Really? Song number 36. What's that? Stop it. All the small things. Oh, I'm singing that one. Lita Ford, Billy Idol, Kiss, Judas Priest. Ooh, they play, you're the one that I want, as in Greece, as in John Travolta, Olivia Newton, John.

Oh, that'll be fun. Right, this, that. We're looking forward to it. Wonder which version of nothing compares to you are they going to do? They're going to do the Sinidad O'Connor one or doesn't... Chris Cornell? Yeah, Chris Cornell. And then I thought there was another band that did that.

Prince. Well, right, aside from Prince, I thought there was another band that did that as well. Those are the only three that I know. And real quick, before we go, we found out. that Josh is just in the beginning stages of building himself a race car. It's really been moving fast today. Thank you to our listeners, right? Yeah.

The brother and sisterhood really stepped up. You went to the Elko Speedway over the weekend. You fell in love with racing all over again. Now you're going to build yourself a race car. You started with one tire. Yep. Listeners have donated tires, steering wheels, racing suits. Windchilled wipers, ash tray.

I got an ashtray. Oh, sweet. We thought about What we asked you about Maybe you'd have a name for your race car And you got plenty of time to think about this It's going to be a poke I think before this race car is

How do they call it in the business? Built, constructed, on the track, ready to go? They call it Yeah. You're wrecked? Street legal is what I was trying to go for Oh, I don't want street legal Well, you know what I mean

Before it's ready to roll Name for the car Two suggestions Cuckmobile? Nope. I don't like that anymore. I thought cuck was funny until it started coming my way. I don't like cuck anymore.

Well, but you're a cuck. I am not a cuck. What about bode... What's the one that enjoys, like, big, what they call bulls? Like, big muscular men with bigger penises than you, having sex with your wife, and you watch and masturbate in the corner. What's that? That's a cuck.

That is, yeah, by definition. Okay, I'm sorry. I am a cuck. Yeah, I screw that up. Boner Machine Jr. That's pretty funny. That is good. And finally, one more question about your race car.

A guy texted in to say, do you need a rim job or do you already have a guy for that? Two guys. How are the rims looking? Very polished. Somebody said they do have rims for me, yeah. Yeah. So you do or you do not need a rim job? No, I don't need one, but I'd like one.

Oh, okay. Never turn one down. 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating. air conditioning, I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up.

Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93x to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Online at standardheating.com.