93X Half-Assed Morning Show - ("Best Of"): Cold Turkey

Episode Date: January 19, 2026

The Best of the Half-Assed Morning Show.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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F-in Wednesday comes along. All you can do is suck it up. Try and be an adult about it. Welcome to the 93-X half-ass morning show. There's a good crowd out there, Cubby. So far so good, I've noticed. Thanks for the tax already. That's a fun way to start the day, ain't it?

Did you get a nice text message or two? Got an update from something we discussed yesterday. Pancakes by the Lake Jesus mentioned that he's trying to quit smoking. Yesterday was day two. We said Godspeed. Well, Nick tried to talk him back into starting smoking. He offered to buy him a pack. Yeah, I think that's true.

He offered to go ahead and just pay for those things. It's day three. Day three, which Ashley said was the toughest day. in her experience. Yep. And so far he's made it. So we're hoping he can keep that thing going. I told him if he can stop,

if my parents can stop, he can stop. My parents, it sounds like maybe the same as yours, Nick, would wake up. The first thing they'd do is have a cigarette, and then they'd light cigarettes to other cigarettes until they went to bed. Right. And they both were able to quit.

So I think if they can quit, you definitely can. Pancakes by the Lake Jesus. Hey, man. Plus, you were telling me how much just a kid. can of chew is nowadays. He's going to be rich if he gives this. Oh, yeah. It is. It's crazy now. The cost, you know, a good friend of mine recently quit chewing just simply because of the cost. But also, you know, there's a level of willpower there that you have to have. I'm impressed by all that. I hope that pancakes by the Lake Jesus takes up smoking again by the end of the week I do.

I sure hope not. It's cool. It's everything that you were told when you were kids. It's cool. It makes you look more mature. Anyway, I wonder if, is he a drinking man? Maybe he can get back to you. Is he a drinking man? And you guys all know that smoking and drinking or chewing and drinking goes hand in hand.

I wonder if he's tried drinking without cigarettes yet. I bet that's when the true test will be laid upon him. That's a good point. I've never had a sober cigarette. Right. Right. So maybe get back to us pancakes by the Stinking Lake. Was that part tough, Ashley? She hasn't quit smoking yet. Well, she did for a little bit there. We covered this yesterday.

Yeah, she quit for nine months. She quit for nine, ten months. I mean, I was pregnant, so I couldn't drink anyway. But when I, because obviously I didn't go right back to smoking as soon as I popped the baby out, it took a while. I had one in the emergency or in the delivery room. They frown upon that. What I found to be the most difficult is whenever I would play pool, I would drink and smoke my ESIG while playing pool. And that was really hard to do that without like having that. It's just like something I always did. Rituals.

Yeah. They're rituals. I've heard that's one of the tough parts. Oh, that was really difficult. Yeah, it's going to be a bitch for you, son. People are saying try chantics, shantics. I've heard it said out loud. Is that the one that gives you the wild dreams?

I think so, yes. I know my sister-in-law did that to quit, and it worked for her, by the way. Your sister was a cigarette smoking? Sister-in-law. I'm sorry. And she was taught, and her husband did as well. They both quit at the same time. Your sister has a husband?

No, see, my sister-in-law, but yes, my sister does. They both have husbands. Now, I take that back, my sister-in-law no longer has a husband. I forgot some current events. but she and her now ex-husband. They tried that and they were telling me like the dreams were absolutely insane. I've heard awesome reviews. And they're major drug users or they were.

Drugs too? That apparently the drugs, like whatever the stuff, and they were on the hard stuff, that apparently did nothing compared to this chewing gum or pills or whatever it is. I've heard nothing but great reviews on the dreams you can achieve from being on some of these anti-smoking pills. I've always kind of wanted to take it just because I've wanted to see the dreams. Have one of those just blood-soaked, violent dreams? Yeah.

It does sound kind of fun to me, too. It does. Uncle Bitch, Jesus said he quit chewing a while ago. He's saving so much money that his weed budget has doubled. Nice. There are those apps. I have a buddy who's about three years clean on cigarettes, and he has a daily app where he goes in, you hit, you know, you have confirmed another day gone, having had a cigarette.

And it keeps track of the money you've saved by not smoking. You put in how much you'd spend a week or whatever, you know, or a month. And it keeps track. And there's the hundreds and, you know, a couple thousands of dollars he's saved by not buying them. We've done the arithmetic before we have for my chewing habit. We've done the arithmetic on how much I could have at the end. At the end of any given year, how much I could have setting there. If I didn't chew, I think we did this arithmetic for my parents when they were both still.

alive. And it is. It's a lot. It's shocking. We got an update. Pancakes by Lake Jesus. He said he quit drinking 12 years ago. We were wondering, okay, do you drink? I wonder if that's tough. Jesus, this guy sounds like a lot of fun. And he said he thought that was

difficult, but in comparison, that was a walk in the park. Trying to commit, excuse me, quit smoking is much worse. Well, get her done. Get her done. I'm on your side. Sort of. Yeah, sounds like that.

like you kind of weren't. You're going back and forth on this one. You're on big tobacco side. Yeah. I work for big tobacco over here. School teacher Sheesa said she tried chantish. I'm sorry, I'm just going to say, whatever that is. I think it's shantics.

It is shantics. That's what I remember hearing. It worked. She quit, but it effed her up. She was irritable, psychotic, literally crazy, but hey, I quit smoking. That's fun. That's crazy. Fun.

All right. Well, yeah, a lot of yous are texting in on smoking, chewing. It was easy. It was hard. This, that. Sucks being a junkie. You know what I mean? I think the only thing you can do is quit cold turkey.

On what? Anything. If you just kind of, well, I mean, for some things, you can't quit cold turkey or else you can have some adverse side effects there. That's not going to do you any good. But I think that's the only way that you. you can do it. If you try to taper off, it's just you're playing with fire. Well, I think

there are multiple ways to do it. I could never go cold turkey. I've started to sprinkle in some of the fake chew, the nicotine pouches. I'm still in the process.

You know, you should get some of that beef jerky chew. Did you ever get into that as a kid? What am I, a third grader? Well, no, you're not a third grader. I hated that stuff. I love that stuff. I like it too. I mean, it tastes good for two minutes, but there's no way that would ever.

Josh, I've explored that avenue. And after a while, that stuff just, it just tastes like ass. I suppose your breath's going to be for a little while. Oh, yeah. So bad. No way that could ever replace. Well, as a kid, I loved that. Big League chew.

That's another one where the flavor lasts. By the time you get it all settled in there, flavor gone. Gone. Flavor gone. All right, good luck, all of you addicts. Man, Cubby, I finally had a chance to breathe last night. No baseball, no effing stupid NFL football, no hockey. You know that I love sports on television.

It's pretty much all I ever choose to watch it. Can we turn the music down? I feel like I'm shouting my balls off over here. Pretty much all I ever choose to watch at night. is sports. But it was nice just to finger-bang the remote last night without a care

in the world. No baseball, the cover, no hockey, no football. I watched a horror movie that we recently discussed the cabin in the woods. It sucked. Cabin' that's an old one, isn't it? Yeah, I'm sure it's 10, 12, 8, 9, 11.

Yeah, I think it came in like 2010 or 11. Cabin in the woods. Sucked. I can't, I can't even recall. It's very bizarre by the end of that movie. Oh, is that the one you were talking about? All of a sudden, there's dinosaurs involved. There's dinosaurs? Yes.

There's everything, Cubby, don't bother. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of the genre, especially the weird ones. I do like Chris Hemsworth. I see he's in there. Cabin in the woods sucked. Bradley Whitford, he's okay. From now on, I think anytime anyone says cabin or woods, my natural reaction is just a yell out, sucked.

Tiger Woods. Sucked. I just wanted to lay that out on you That I had a night to myself I decided to watch a movie and And it sucked Well you call the song by Warrant Old Log Cabin

What about what You call that song by Warrant Uncle Tom's Cabin you call it Old Log Cabin You can't say suck to that Well I have to Oh yeah that's right Uncle Tom's Cabin Many years ago

When that song was hot Uncle Tom's Cabin by warrant. And the video was on MTV every 20 minutes. We were a group of dudes sitting around watching MTV, and Uncle Tom's cabin comes on, and one of my more stoned buddies says this out loud. Oh, dude, old log cabin. No, it's Uncle Tom's cabin, actually.

This year, check this out on the topic of horror movies. This sounds like the beginnings of a horror. a movie. Grown folks are hiring magicians for their grown folks birthday parties. All right. That's sweet. I love magicians. You know, I've definitely been

entertained. We've been lucky enough to have some really good ones come in studio. And we've, remember, Nick, we used, we did some of those dinners. We should bring those back where we'd go to dinner with listeners and they'd have entertainment. And there was a couple of mentalists and magicians.

Oh, see, I only remember. the mentalists. I don't remember a straight-up magician. Mentolist, hypnotist. Yep, that was very good. But I don't remember the magician. I don't like hypnotists. They freak me out. What are they doing? We're not sure, but we... I'm very skeptical, but there's two that I know for sure have it. Josh and I became, I don't think we should call ourselves full-on believers, but I'll just say we've seen some things. And like Josh said, there were at least two where we could not

explain what we were seeing. No. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. You are totally the type. From our experience, watching these mentalists and what's the other term again? I just said it, hypnotists. From watching these mentalists and hypnotists

in the past, Ashley, you are the friggin type. It happened to me at a Renaissance festival in Wisconsin. And I thought, all right, this isn't going to happen, but you kind of have to relax and believe that it's going to happen, they said, or else they won't be able to, like, mess with your mind. And it was me and a bunch of people up on stage. And I just, I was like, all right, let's see what, if this is actually legit.

And it scared me because it was like, I was, like, trapped in my own body, but I had no control over my body. I eventually got myself out of it, I guess, because he was still going with everyone else on stage and then, you know, once you woke up, he'd dismiss you off the stage. And after that, I just didn't feel right. Well, see, you were at a Renaissance Festival in Wisconsin. That wasn't a hypnotist. That was Roofies.

The one that stands out the most, well, there's a couple. One involved me and another invite at this restaurant I was talking about. There was an employee who worked at the restaurant, and he was like the coolest dude I'd met in a long time. Right? kind of a tough guy, cool dude. The stuff he had him do, there's no way I can imagine in the five minutes I'd met him,

him doing, not to mention there's, I don't think anybody's that good of an actor where they could pretend that they were under somebody's spell. Right, that was, you're referring to that on-air episode we had, right? Well, no, this was the same guy, but at the restaurant.

I wasn't. Remember he had, you were there. Remember he had this dude, like, I'm not sure exactly what his job was I think he was a cook. He was sat in some guy's lap and he was pulling like fake lice out of his hair and doing all this kind of weird stuff. Okay. You knew the guy ahead of time? Just from talking to him at the restaurant.

I had met him before. What convinced me that there's at least one or two hypnotists who are legitimate is when you and I, Josh, watched two of our coworkers who we worked with every single day be put under hypnosis and behave in a way that we. No, they are not capable of. There's no way. They couldn't have faked that. They could have faked it. Neither one of them was terribly funny or creative in any way. But when they were put under hypnosis, my God, it was one of the greatest shows I'd ever seen in my life.

That's what convinced me. Me too. Not when you see a group of strangers up there going, duh, under hypnosis, right? They're all supposedly asleep, and suddenly they're mimicking sex acts. I'm going to sit in the crowd and say, ah, they work this out ahead of time. Totally agree. In the example I'm talking about, two co-workers, work with them every day, knew them very well. There's no way they were capable of doing what the hypnotist got them to do.

Well, and then the mentalist we had in, and I know there's tricks to this or whatever, but he had me name a place to go, meaning like on vacation, and a hotel room number. And there was one other thing I forgot. And then he pulled out of his shoe everything. He nailed it. And the hotel room number was a very personal number to me. It was the death of a loved one. And he got it.

He got that. He got, I mean, I said Hawaii was in my mind as a vacation destination. Probably what most people would say that, wouldn't you think? I'd imagine it's a very popular one. Sure. So that one I kind of threw away like, all right, you know, playing the odds. Most people probably say that. But the hotel room number, for the life of me, I can't remember what the third was, but he nailed all three.

And again, he had it written on a piece of paper in his shoe. That was pretty impressive to me. Really weird. Oh, by the way, Dustin has texted into the show. Our Luther, Bloomington, Kia text line is 651-9-9-9-3-93, in case he's don't already know. Dustin texted in to say, cabin in the wood. Sucked. Is that where Chris Hemsworth crashes a dirt bike into a force field?

Yes. That's how it sounded. And he tries to do. jump a gorge on his dirt bike and he's killed when he crashes into a force field. So the latest bit here is grown folks hiring magicians for a grown folks birthday. I've only just once have I ever hired any entertainment and that was my 30th birthday party. Oh yeah. We had a couple of bands that we were friends with. They played. But has anyone here ever hired entertainment? Maybe a DJ? Did you have a DJ for your 40th, Nick? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you hired

At least once. Yeah, it was a dude that we used to work with. Right. Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah, hired a DJ once or twice. There anything else? Probably more than once hired a DJ for this or that. One time for a buddy's birthday, he's kind of a socially awkward guy,

so we thought, well, let's hire a clown to come make balloon animals because that would be hilarious and make him uncomfortable. And it was hilarious for the first four or five minutes. You know, all of a sudden, this clown's here. He's, you know, honking a horn. He's making balloon animals. And then we realized, we, we just. got this guy for an hour.

This is going to be a really long hour, and it got really uncomfortable. It's one thing, I think, to hire entertainment. Are we counting strippers? Oh, yeah, yeah. I would think so. Then we've certainly hired strippers a few times, and I got a great story about that. I haven't done that. Pardon me?

I have not done that. It's one thing to hire entertainment, like, say, for a bar party, right? a DJ, a magician, a clown. But to have these folks come into your private home, for whatever reason, that paints a whole different picture. And that's what we're talking about here is grown folks hiring a magician to come into their home. I don't generally like strangers in my home. So just me personally, that paints a different picture.

Even if it was a friend's home, I'd feel a little awkward. Like all of a sudden, yeah, the clown or the magician, like I'd just go to a, I'm a guest. Even then I'd feel kind of weird. Yeah, I'd feel weird. So this is the thing. You know, trends come and go, as you know. TikTok is exploding with videos of party magicians, putting on great shows in front of adults.

And I suppose, yeah, a magician's a little bit different than a clown. Definitely. Yeah. You know, this whole time. I guess I've been kind of comparing a magician or putting a magician and a clown on the same level. They're not on the same level. Clowns are for kids, in my opinion. No offense to any clowns in the listening audience.

I'd imagine there's clowns that are agreeing with you. I'm guessing if you are a professional clown, yeah, you're not worried about 35-year-olds calling you for a gig. You're worried about families. That's how you make a living. a magician, I can see that being a lot of fun, really. I just would never have them in my private home that would be too personal for me. A clown using your toilet. Yeah.

Well, I was more talking about magicians. Okay, yeah. I've seen a couple. You know, like it's polite to take your shoes off and I show up at Nick's house and there's these big red clown shoes right by the door. Josh says, what the hell's going on? It looks like you've got company. I've seen a couple of street magicians who were very entertaining.

Lit cigarettes. Where the hell did it go? You know what I mean? Takes a lit cigarette right out of my buddy's mouth. Weepity deep. It's gone. And it was just kind of, you know, the shell game, all kinds of stuff. I've seen some street entertainers who have put on some awesome shows.

That's so impressive. for the shell game my wife will make you some money she's she dominates at that jesus i don't think i've ever seen her miss really yeah she's really really good i get really serious when they when they put it up at sporting events yeah that's my time to shine yeah take her ass well the ones at the ball game with the baseball under the helmet for god's sake anybody can figure that out we were in vegas and she was doing great take her to new orleans they do a lot of that there too oh yeah dude i spent two on the sidewalk with some drug addict playing the shell game. How'd you do?

I don't remember. I was very drunk, and this was 20 years ago. But a friend of mine had to pull me aside and say, look, you've had enough. And this guy is about to rob you. They would get me so bad. Oh, I had such a great time. I had a great time.

It was so... All right. Here's your chance at some solid beer money through the 5K a day giveaway. First, punch in 958-1-9. into your cellular telephone. Not our usual text number. I don't know how many times we've got to say it, Josh. It's 95819.

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Keyword. Ashley, I didn't realize this. I know your friends with Double D's. She says she's going to become an honest woman this weekend. Yes, she is. Finally, after all these years. On Friday, happy wedding week. I'm so excited to attend her wedding.

Are you going? Yes, very selfishly excited because it'll be our first night out together since having the baby. She said. that they're having a cocktail hour, and they thought about hiring a magician just to have the magician mess with people that are attending the wedding. Oh, they should have done that.

That would have been so cool. Someone's getting married this weekend? Double D. Jesus. Effing. It's happening. What a poor decision that is. She's having one of those, like, fancy weddings, too. I love that kind of stuff.

Any excuse to dress up? Well... Like, where's it? Or maybe you don't want to say. Like, what type of... facility is it at? When I looked it up, it looks kind of like a ballroom type vibe. So, like a place that

a lot of weddings happen, that kind of thing? Yeah. You know what? Real quick. To the person whose phone number ends with 4-975, my mom is not a magician and she's never made your D disappear. That is a rude way to start my morning. Shame on

you. God. Shame on you. Dang. We got one guy in our listening audience who is a scary clown. We were talking about clowns, home entertainment, magicians, the whole thing. Rochester Clown Jesus has sent me some pictures of the different characters that he portrays. Is this how you make your living? Rochester Clown Jesus, get back to me.

He texted in with some of these pictures, Ashley, get a look at this. you're a grown person who's terrified of clowns. You're going to want to see the different characters. This guy can make himself out to be. He says, I'm not a clown for kids, is his message. Tell me if you find that, Smashley. All right, I'll try. There's a lot of text here.

Wow, guys. He's a 507er. That'll help you out. All right. Yeah. He's down there in Rochester. You see these, Cubby? Yeah.

This guy can... It's awesome. This guy's got a real gimmick going on. No kidding. Oh, for Pete's sake. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning.

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93X. Who here has quit a job? Well, I guess I quit every job before this one, technically. Yeah, same here. Never, like, out of anger, just, you know, something came up or something better came along, school, that kind of thing. Yeah, same with me. Okay, so it was all, I believe the word is amicable.

Yeah. Yeah, never rage quit or anything, but just, you know, something. Just moved on to the next thing. Yep. Well, you've never quit a job. You've been fired from all of them. Would you say that's a lot different? It is.

That's the opposite, really. That's somebody quitting you. Quitting on the idea of you. Yeah, you're not a quitter. I was going to go in that direction. When you've quit a job, was it ever a sudden thing where you upped and quit out of nowhere? Something angered you. And you said, well, that's it for me.

but it sounds like the answer is no. Oh, I guess maybe this counts. I just started working somewhere. So I maybe had like three, four shifts. And it was before the Fourth of July. I remember that gig. That was miserable for you. No, not that, not that place.

Oh, the other miserable gig. No, yeah, this was, I think this was before I worked here. I'm not sure. But I, so I got hired a couple weeks before the Fourth of July, and I went in there one morning, was my last training shift. And they put up, like, what the schedule was going to be like for the next two weeks. And I went and checked it out.

And I worked, like, every single day, all day, fourth of July weekend. And I thought, no, that's just not going to work. So you walked out before anybody saw me for the day because I didn't want to talk to anybody. She said, nope, walked out, never came back. Yep. I was like, never answered anymore. Their phone calls, nothing. No.

Okay. So you have rage quit. I was like, yeah, whatever. I'm not doing that. Purple Belt Jesus said he's been off since April 7th from an injury, and he's dreading having to go back to work Tuesday. All he's done is hang out with the dogs, and he said it's been glory. Oh, I bet.

That sounds nice. Yeah, I mean, of course, I've, I quit one job. And I'm thinking of another now, but it was all amicable. I've never had like it, and I was fired from a job or two. So it's never been bad blood. You suddenly just say, I can't take this anymore and walk out. if you've if you've how do they put it here i mean i suppose the wording they use here is irrational reasons people have quit their jobs would you call ashley's reaction irrational josh she sees the

schedule she sees it's terrible and she just walks out that's that does seem kind of irrational it's probably dramatic you did not have a conversation with anybody dramatic or rational Josh do you remember text us if you've kind of upped and quit if it's a good story six five one 989, 933, 93. We're maybe looking back now, you'd say, well, that was kind of irrational. Josh, do you remember the kid here in the building? When we change format, this is many years ago. When we changed format from alternative rock, the edge to hard rock, 93X,

there was one kid who worked in the promotions department and he was paid. I remember maybe you were in the hallway. I was in the hallway. This promotions kid gets the news that we flipped format to Hard Rock, and he said, I can't do this anymore. I cannot support Hard Rock. The kid was so passionate about Bush and Alanis Morissette and Beck and all the alternative rock. He more or less threw his papers up in the work and said, I quit.

No more Marcy's playground? I'm out of here. Right. And I thought, I thought he was joking at first. but he never came back and it was strictly over the format change, which happens. All right then. And, you know, if there's a format change here, a dramatic one someday, it's certainly something to consider as an employee I would consider if I could fit into that.

And of course the bosses would consider whether or not I fit into the new format. But I don't think anything would happen where I would just suddenly say, well, I'm out. Yeah, if they want to change format, okay. Yeah, whatever. There was a guy, and it's the guy that we've told the story many times that yelled, they're real, they're real about us one time. That guy quit because he said, we were both doing overnights. You know, he did a portion of it.

I did the other portion of him, and I came in, and I really enjoyed working with this guy, even though he was a little volatile. And he's like, you know what, I can't do it anymore. how many five-minute guitar solos can a guy play? And he was into real, I mean, not just like, I mean, Food Fighters was too heavy for him or Marcy Playground, you mentioned. That was a little too much. He was like into the independent rock that nobody's ever heard of

outside of very passionate fans. He was very underground. Yeah, very underground. And he wasn't pretentious about it. Well, I guess maybe, I never took him as being a jerk or thinking he was better then. But, yeah, I'll never forget that line. he was tired of five-minute guitar solos and said he's out.

That's funny. Now, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Got a text from a listener named Jared. I quit a job because the guy I worked with would eat chips all day with his mouth open. That's the kind of thing. Yeah, that's disgusting. I have a problem with that. That's the kind of irrational reaction that I find very interesting.

Most irrational reasons people have quit their jobs. Some of this stuff is, my damn. I mean, all right. I don't like people eating with their mouth open, but I don't know if I would. Unless I already hated my job, I just needed one more reason. Yeah. And that's probably what happened here with Jared.

Okay. I agree. I bet that's what it was. That was just the final straw. Some of this stuff. And maybe all of these examples are a final straw type of a situation. Here's someone who quit their job when they changed the coffee brand in the break room. That sucks, I guess.

Yeah. Another person quit their job suddenly. When the bosses made everyone sing happy birthday to a coworker, he said, I hate forced joy. I quit. It is awkward. I've just never heard a phrase that way. But yeah, you're right.

That forced a happy birthday tune. So a lot of these cases are probably a last straw thing. A lot of them, at least, I'm going to assume you're a young person. you're not relying on this job for your future or providing for a family. You know, you're a younger person. You can up and do things like this. I wonder if this is true. This person said it wasn't me, but my coworker quit because I farted and they walked into it.

They were pissed. Really? Some one hell of a fart. So why did you leave your last job? Well, you know, I walked through a fart. Explain the gap in your resume. I can't work there. Dude, that's funny, too.

A crop dusting forced me to. is switch careers. Okay, this must have been a young person. And I'm imagining they're working at a clothing retail store. The music playlist looped around every 90 minutes. The songs were torturing me like I was a prisoner of war. When I worked at, it was my first job ever when I was like a little girl's clothing store. And the mixtape made me want to end it all.

Oh my God. I can see how that would make you nuts all day long. And it was around Christmas time too. Oh, so bad. Cucy children's Christmas songs would force me to maybe choke out a complete stranger. Yeah, actually happened to the same boat. When I worked at Camp Snoopy, one of my first jobs, Camp Snoopy for you young people out there. That's what they used to call Nickelodeon universe back when it was really cool.

Camp Snoopy ruled. But they played, it was a satellite radio mix of whatever the top 10 pop, top 40 hits were at that time in the summer and they played it on a loop one hour loop every hour of your entire eight hour shift so you heard those songs a good seven eight times a day and oh man might hear those songs i get to me of a flashback you had let you probably begin unconsciously uh putting together some kind of a murder pack that you'd put in the trunk of your car in case you ever ran into the back street boys exactly like that uh here's an individual we're talking about irrational reasons people have quit their jobs and i guess some of you would consider it irrational others would say hey that's that's good enough reason for me it depends on who you are

one individual said the building he was working in eliminated air conditioning oh that would give me to quit real fast yeah and this is hilarious the individual says look uh it was july i'm not omish A customer said to me, I looked like I hated my life. She was right. So I quit. So sad. I'm sorry. Again, 651-9-89-93. If you have a quick little tale of quitting your job, suddenly, like I said, irrational is a matter of opinion, I guess, whether or not you you think your reason for quitting was irrational or not, but obviously the more dramatic,

the story, the better. Oh. And we can't help it. We have to tell the story of a former co-worker here who's passed on. You say the name. I don't want to say the name. Well, I don't know what you're going to say afterwards. I don't know if we want to give away the name.

the irrational quitting. Oh, I was thinking of the one that actually passed on. Yes, Ross. Okay. We've had a coworker that's actually passed on? Yeah, yeah, so I thought perhaps. That's who you referred to. No, no, no.

I'm joking around, of course. I enjoy that joke. You tell it best when the dude irrationally quit, but then didn't. Oh, yeah. Well, I wish I could remember what prompted this. Oh, we were just having your typical coworker. Was it an on-offer thing? I don't recall.

what started the art. Yeah, what started it. I don't remember. All I know is we were vehemently arguing. Yeah, you guys were going at it. Yeah. I can't remember if it was on air, off, or what it was, but you're going, and things were very heated.

And when the mics went off, this is Ross, he stood up and was like, F you, Nick. Called me an a-hole. Called you an a-hole. He storms out. He opens the door, and you said, I'll see you Monday. Knowing that he was not really going to quit. Which I knew really pissed him off. Oh, Ivan, that one made me sing.

in my chair a little bit. See you Monday. And then about, I don't know, five seconds later, the door opens and here he is. I'm like, wow, it was even quicker than Monday. But he wasn't even embarrassed by this. He forgot his car keys. He got so mad and he stormed out

that he didn't think to grab his car keys. And I think he grabbed him, kicks the door open again and says, F you, Nick, and walked away. I don't know if I would have come back for the car keys. I think I might just Uber at home at that point. That would have a walk. And who was the first guy in the building on Monday?

That was him. That's some bitch. Here are some listeners who have texted in. 651, 989, 93. You can always get a hold of us with that friggin telephone number. Listeners who have dramatically suddenly quit a job. And here's why. Quit my job at a fast food joint.

I was only 15. The boss wanted me to clean up kid vomit. I handed the manager my name. and I left immediately. Didn't want to mop up any puke. We were talking about the ball pit the other day. Imagine the puke in the ball pit. How would you go about cleaning that up?

Yeah, I bet that took some skill. I had to mop up puke a couple times when I was driving the Zamboni because I had to clean the stands at the end of the night, Josh. When I worked at a movie theater, there was puke that had to be cleaned up. Kid usually eating too much candy of some sort. Oh, I can never do that. I'm not fat. I'm aerodynamic.

Jesus quit a trucking job because they lowered the governed speed. from 67 to 65. Those two miles per hour made a difference. Are you frigging serious? A kid worked at a fast food joint. He was the lead cook, made friends with all of his coworkers there at the fast food joint, right?

But one night, all of his coworkers were allowed to leave early and they were going to Hooters. Our listener was not allowed to leave early. He had worked there for almost a year, but when he found out he was not going to be joining his co-workers at Hooters, he quit. You can't go to Hooters and not bring everybody. I work at the same job.

Here's a listener who says, I worked at the same job. Oh, no. Okay, I almost misrepresented this listener. I worked for 20 days straight at one point, says this listener. Then something or another happened on the job, and his boss told him to suck it up. and I said, no, you suck it up, and I walked out. Dana, you were mentioning earlier that you had a career in the entertainment business far before you got into radio.

You were over there at Camp Snoopy. Yes. And you ran, what was the gimmick you ran again? Like the Midway games, you know. Midway games. You throw a ping pong ball into a floating dish of water. Yeah. Defies the laws of physics that would ever actually land in one of them.

me, no other types of things. All right, here's a listener who also worked at the Mall of America at one point or another at the mystery mine ride. Oh, yeah, sure. And they said, I got real, real tired of free ride by the Edgar Winter Group. They played that one a lot, huh? Playing over. And don't come on and take a free ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet that could drive you nuts. That could. Definitely. Chucked up Plummer Jesus. was doing some oil changes, hated his job. One day he was supposed to work, but, you know, he was offered mushrooms from a friend,

so he no-showed and just quit that day. I got mushrooms. Yeah, rude to say no to that. Another listener who spent some time in the food service industry. Swanee. This is Swanee who texted in. He was running the fried chicken stand there at a grocery store or something. What does this say?

Five minutes to close. Friar had already been cleaned. The boss comes in with his sister. The boss comes in with the boss's sister and demands that Swanee put together a 20-piece meal. Friar had already been cleaned. Five minutes to close. Goodbye, Swanee.

He walks smooth out of the joint. You know how the thing works, Swanee. You're the boss. Make your sister a freaking 20-piece. bucket on your own. It would be awful. I do think he was trying to show how powerful he was to his sister. Look what I can make

these guys do. You're very skilled, Josh, at reading between the lines. Unfortunately, I had a friend who did that not that scenario, but a very similar scenario. He worked a corporate for a restaurant. He liked to go in and lay down the law in front of other people. In front of his

friends and family. Exactly. He was pretty douche. I'm running this opera. Carpet Jesus quit a job in Woodbury. because his buddy wanted to smoke a bowl and he said, all right, I quit. I got a bowl to smoke. Mushrooms, marijuana. I have two things.

I have a buddy and I have a bowl. You know what I don't have anymore? A job. I quit. We're discussing suddenly, dramatically, maybe even irrationally quitting a job. This sounds troubling. One of our listeners says,

my boss always told jokes about his penis. Worrysome, yeah. And I couldn't tell. it anymore. So, after one of his famous end-of-meeting penis jokes, I went into his office and I quit.

It's not normal. His famous end-of-meeting penis jokes. Yeah, I guess he closed out a lot of meetings with a good dick joke. And he probably rehearsed them ahead of time, like many times. Like, oh, I got to have a good one for tomorrow. Why not? McGiver Jesus said he's rage quit

his current job three times. And every time when he did, he's gotten a raise when he got back. And so he said, I may possibly rage quit today. Yeah, a little extra summer money. One of our listeners says, when I got hired, they promised me I would never work Super Bowl Sunday. But one day they sprung it on me.

And I said, now remember our agreement? And they said, well, yeah, but we need you to show up. And I said, okay, goodbye. Yeah, if you made that agreement, that's a nice agreement, too. Yeah, it's funny how bosses can forget those things along the way. Like, I don't remember that. One of our listeners claims, and I believe them, they rage quit a job, and they said it was effing awesome.

Here's what happened. They walked in with a terrible overhang. Boss started bitching at me right away. I just looked at her and said, you are a bitch. I then grabbed a huge stack of checks, and I launched them. up into the air.

And I walked out. I like that kind of a dramatic exit. You sweep something off of a desk or tip something over. Some of you have done regretful things. But I bet it felt good in the moment. Yeah, and it was probably a long time coming.

Long time coming. Until that reality sets in a little bit later. And you're like, oh, now what? Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. You know, if you're just joining us and you missed our initial on-air conversation, today is the day that a lot of us, a lot of folks have been waiting on their entire lives. Some folks say aliens are coming today. The aliens will be here today.

They've been roaming around this way, that way. They're hiding behind the sun, but here in a handful of hours, they're going to shoot off their power boosters or whatever on the mothership, and they'll be here by noon one. Today's the day we've all been waiting for. So we'll get back to you on that when it happens. We got to talk a little bit about aliens. One side conversation we had was alien movies that freaked us out. Ashley, oh, she didn't like that, signs. No, thank you.

It gave her the creeps despite Mel Gibson's lack of acting skills. And Josh didn't like a movie called Something. Oh, I loved the movie, the fourth kind, but it gave me the hebi-jeebies. Fourth kind. Got a text from a listener named Chris, who said he got so freaked out by E.T. That he barfed on the guy sitting in front of him. Oh, no. He was a little kid and he went to go see E.T. at the theater.

and E.T. freaked him out so bad. He threw up on the guy in front of him. He's such a cute little guy, though. Who, this, Chris? No, E.T. Well, maybe Chris is, too. I don't know. E.T. was kind of hideous looking. Chris did want you to say hello to him, Ashley, if you were. Hello, Chris.

I'm guessing that might make him feel a little better. Threw up all over the movie theater. I've never had an experience like that at a movie theater, but I did once walk into a women's bathroom, and I was very embarrassed as a kid. That'll happen. Little kid. I'll never forget the look on her face to complete, disgust, and shock.

How old were you? Third grade, no, no. I was older than that. Oh, God. I'm embarrassed because the first movie I saw was Top Gunn. Saw it maybe 6th or 7th grade. For some reason. You were in 6th or 7th grade.

You walked into the wrong head. Yeah. I still think that's on her for giving you a weird look. You're just a young kid. Yeah, but actually the stall was locked and I started to kind of crawl underneath it. I was that dumb. Oh, man. You were a sixth or seventh grade kid and you were crawling under a lot.

And maybe I might be forgetting exactly where I was. I would hope you weren't. This was actually two weeks ago now that I think about it at a Panera. Yeah, now that the details are coming back. I would hope you weren't 13 years old. No, I must have been younger. That doesn't sound right. But I definitely did that as a kid.

Did you see her ass or anything like that? No, just her face. Hello. And you couldn't tell the difference? I can tell Chicks are shady I wonder what she's up to nowadays Chicks are shady

They do stuff You can't deny it I can prove it That's where we're starting off today's Stupid News Report What do you make of this one right here A gal in New Jersey She made herself a late night

Booty call And God bless her for that I remember those days. That's how you do it right there, Cubby. I love that game back when I was an active and willing and wildly intoxicated participant. I love that late night thing that we had going there for a while. Yeah, I mean, it was just a classic. It was easy.

You up? That's all you had to send. Everybody knew what that meant. Ah, man. So this gal in New Jersey that I was telling you about, Taja is her name. Okay, Taja. She's 35 years old. She called up a sure-fire late-night rod donor. Four o'clock in the Godforsaken a.m. It was. Four a.m. I don't know if I've ever had a booty call that late. I mean, that's pretty much like early the next day. Right. Yeah.

So Taja heads on over to this dude's place at 4 a.m. Because he said, hell yeah, come on over. I'll fire you into the weeds real quick, he said. But when Taja got to the dude's place, some bitch had fallen asleep. He's out cold. I've done that. You've done exactly? Yeah, I've had that happen.

I did the exact same thing. You had a woman on the way? And it fell asleep, yeah. Taja got over to dude's place. He's out cold. So you know what Taja did? She burned the poor bastard's house down. He must have been something else.

She burned it down to the screws. And now she's looking at, obviously, serious charges, aggravated arson and such. And she gone to the women's penitentiary she goes for the next six and a half years. The poor dude, now. homeless. He goes by the very cool-sounding name of Curtis Stokes. He told the cops, yeah, I invited Taja over so they could fold each other in half. He said that Taja was his quote, side chick. I'd imagine girls don't like that, or Ashley, would that not bother you? I guess it depends how much I like him. There's great detail on how this was all set up, totally unnecessary information.

but nonetheless interesting. According to Curtis, Curtis Stokes, she texted him at 4 a.m. Her text said, Hello, and Curtis straight up and simply responded with, quote, Bring ya ass. And that's all Taja needed to hear. She was on her way.

Because obviously Curtis is a stone pimp. But like I said, by the time Taja, showed up at the house, Curtis had fallen out cold, asleep. She knocked on the door over and over. Curtis didn't hear Jack squat. And at that point, the text messages from Taja changed a little bit. Tanya texted the following after she got to the house and knocked and knocked and Curtis didn't answer the door. Taja texted, you wasted my money to come out here? Then she texted,

You smoked. Then she texted, Oh, I see you want to die. That's such an escalation. And then she texted, I swear to God, I hope you die. She really wanted it. Taja.

Yeah, who's going to scratch that it? Taja. Honestly, she must be either tough to please or he is so good at it. She was that disappointed. She wandered at that point. She wandered her horny and angry carcass over to a gas station. She bought up some lighter fluid, some matches, and a cigarette lighter in case the matches didn't work or she wasn't bright enough to know how to use them. She went back to Curtis House and set the bitch a fire.

If I was a person working the register at 4.30 in the morning, I'd be a little bit concerned. concerned with that purchase she just made. Yeah, hopefully she had some other stuff to kind of mask that. Marshmallows, you know, some marshalers, chocolate graham crackers. Hopefully something right, where nobody's going to go, what the hell? This is a starter kitten for murder.

Curtis Damnear woke up dead. He told the cops he woke up to the smell of smoke, and he damn near didn't make it out the house. The front door was, fully engulfed in fire. He came out of this with first and second degree burns. He had to, and I bet he was tired when this was over, he had to forcefully remove an entire window frame

to escape with his pimp life. Damn, Tasha! Ow! Oh, you hit that too hard, didn't you? Oh, you just smacked them. Yeah, that did look like he hit a little hard. The tip of my finger and my hands are cold and I smashed it into the... Do you guys know you're married, everybody here,

do you think there should be a fair-ups as far as who was the last, you know, last to be with another person before you got married? Because the last booty call text I ever remember was to my wife, and she never got back to me. And I thought, well, she must have fallen asleep. But the truth was she had responded to a previous booty call. call. This is, you know, before we were engaged or, like, committed to each other. The night that you wanted her. I got too late. She was, some other dude had her plug in her ears with her big toes. Yeah. And I don't like that description. What do you think they were doing with a? She was a long-time dancer, does yoga, very flexible, so it's a possibility. So that's why it hurts a little bit. Some other dude

was just wheel barreling her around the apartment. Oh, dude. And you were, you were there going, Hello, are you there with the text messages. What's going on? I'm horny. Come on over if you're horny. On that night, you're saying there was some other dude that she responded to before you texted. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what she was doing. Do you have any idea what she was doing?

I don't know what she was doing. Some other guy was tossing that salad. She's never had her salad tossed in her life. They were just chilling watching TV, Josh. They were studying, right? Yeah. So anyway, she doesn't get back to me. Nope.

No fair ups, Cubby, you lose. Okay, dang it. You just got to suck it up, dude. Because that was it. After that, I just thought, I can't have her doing whatever Nick said she's doing. You know, maybe we should be a couple. I didn't realize that I wanted to be a couple, and that was kind of it. I'm sorry.

You don't get your fair-outs. And it was a hurtful last, or last at bat was hurtful to me. So I kind of think like I should have got a fair-ups. It might have hurt her a little bit, too, depending on what they were doing. Oh, you know the guy was jacked. You know what I mean? Okay, Dana, you're right, he was. And he was way more successful, better looking, everything.

At least you're not holding on to it. No, I barely remember a thing. Might have been painful for her, too, at least a little bit at first. No, no, no, no. One of my favorite late-night text messages I ever got in my 20s was a friend of mine. She lived in the same building as me. She texted me about like 1.30 in the morning. Hey, I struck out of the bar tonight.

You want to come over? I'm fine being the backup plan. No skin off my back. I've never, ever, Dana, had a problem being a woman's last resort? Yeah. Most men don't have an issue with that, I'm guessing. That last call, they turned the lights up in the bar, got to pair up with somebody. Just looks at you and goes, huh, you'll do.

Never had a problem with that. All right, so you guys think now you don't get fair-ups. No, you don't. That's not how it works. Which means to me all of you were probably the last one. None of you were in my situation. Yeah. I can read between the pretty obvious lines here.

I don't want my wife to get fair ups. But do you think that my wife should stop calling his name out in bed when we're together? I mean, Jesus, we've been married almost 20 years now. That's a reasonable request, I think. And she'd take down the picture of him off the bathroom mirror? Yes. That's what I think. Thank you, Dana, for the support.

Tough night for you back then, huh? They were not studying anatomy, you jerk, whoever texted that in. You texted her and said, sup, no answer. Nothing. I thought, well, all the while, she's in some other guy's house with his three, four buddies. I didn't think of it then. I'd be honest, Josh, good for you, because I would have been like, oh, peace out. Oh, you would have just given up?

Yeah. I'm not about that. Let me get this right again. You're at home. By yourself. You're texting her. No answer. Yeah, nothing.

So I figured she fell asleep. She's filming a Bukaki movie at a sauna. Wait, why did she tell you this? She doesn't know how to operate a camera. Oh, wait a minute. You're saying she was on camera. Yeah, they had an official production crew there and everything. That's disgusting.

How do you know all this, Ashley wants to know? How do I know all what? That your wife must have told you, hey, the night that you, how do you know that she said she was with this guy? Wow. Guys. No, guy, singular. You guys hurts. You guys suck at English.

All right. Like, okay, I'm sorry, I have to know, the next day, did she tell you that's what she was doing? Or was this, you know, a year, two years in your relationship where she finally spilled the beans? Oh, it was the next day. I mean, like I said, we weren't official at that time. So we were open about that kind of thing. Yeah, but still, wow. I probably would have been a little bit nicer about it.

I might not have told somebody that. Earlier I was joking that I can't keep a secret. She can't. Oh, I forgot about that. We both are not good liars. She goes into detail about what happened. She did not take a trip to Pound Town. You know what?

You people are mean. What the hell? How do you think he was doing over there? Wake up, Cubby. She had a sleepover. What are you doing, sleepover? You tell secrets. Pillow fights.

While we're talking dirty here. Pizza rolls. While we're talking dirty, we're going to swing by a place called Scottsdale, Arizona. You know, I've been there. Oh, yeah. I went to Scottsdale, Arizona once. I did. Hot.

It's awful hot. Seems hot. I'd imagine on a golfing trip. No, no, no. This was just a vacation. hang out, you drink, you hit up the bars, nothing, there were no activities involved.

I'll tell you this much, Cubby, I'd never in my life seen so many blondes in jean skirts. Then when I visited, how do you call the town again? Is it like a college town? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. College town. A guy and a gal down that way, they're currently on

the run from the local cops. They broke smooth into a restaurant in Scottsdale. What are we doing over there? Showing Ashley a text. You were showing Ashley a text? You don't want to talk about it?

My wife texting. You don't want me to call attention to it? She said, tell Ashley we were just friends because you didn't want a relationship before that. Now I understand why she told you. That was a smart move. We've got to take a time out from all this stupid news now. So originally when you and your wife were seeing each other, you told you. older, you didn't want a relationship?

Those were my slut years at that time. And I just mentioned, ah, you know, I don't think I want a relationship. That doesn't sound like you. I know. Like I said, I was different. Those, it was like two years. I usually am a relationship guy. And yeah, it was

just like two years, late 20s, where I just wasn't. What was it you didn't like about her? It had nothing to do with her. Come on. But now, now I'm I understand what she was doing. That's a smart move.

Oh, you think this was calculated? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. She went off and got it on with those five, six guys in that sauna in Minneapolis. Just more and more men. To send a message to Cubby is your theory. Yep. Well, then message received.

And she did not go to Browntown. Browntown. Stop it. What the hell is Brown? You didn't want a relationship with her, but you ended up. With anybody. No, yeah, I didn't. With her?

No, anybody. Yeah. anybody. But you said you're usually a relationship guy. Most often, yes. What was it about your wife at the time that you didn't like? You see, I think you're misunderstanding. It was I didn't want a relationship with anybody.

Especially her. Wait a minute. I didn't mean that. Oh, no. I don't know why I said that. It's really spiraling. This is getting so much worse. Yeah, guys always fall for that move.

I'm not buying it because that's not you. Well, I didn't have a girlfriend at the time. I just wasn't wanting one. All right. We'll get back to Josh's situation here in just a minute. You've got to hear about this couple in Scottsdale, Arizona. A guy and a gal, they're young. They're on the run because they broke into a restaurant in Scottsdale.

Again, near four in the morning. And these two idiots, they took some things. They snatched $450 cash out of the restaurant. restaurant. They stole some hooch and a telephone for what reason I have no idea. A telephone? A landlock? Maybe they're going to bring it to a lab and figure out what it is depending on their age. Hello. It's supposed to be an antique. It must be worth money. He stole the telephone. Security cameras recorded everything. And I mean everything. Because you know what else they did while they're inside the restaurant? They are they boy. Which is just disgusting and disrespectful.

Do it bent the gal over like a couple of dogs at a park and they boinked. Like Josh's wife the night he texted her for a booty call. You know, earlier I complimented you, Dana. I just betray you. Yeah, I take that compliment back. And like I told you, it's all on video. One of the restaurants' managers, she watched the security video. She watched the two of them bump.

and she called the whole thing bizarre, violating, and just weird. But it did the trick for me, she said. I'm kidding. I guess you could consider this like a bed, so to speak. I mean, sort of a hideaway, if you will, but they had other options. This just doesn't make sense. That was her. She said it doesn't make sense.

So anyways, these two F buddies are on the loose, and the police fear that they're possibly looking to bust a nut in more eating establishments there in Scottsdale. They got a taste for it. It's such a happy and positive place. So the fact that they did that on our establishment is just so disturbing. Like this isn't the place for it. Yes, we're full of romance and happiness, but that's not what we're wanting here. Boy, she had a lot of upwards inflections at the end of her words.

Yeah, she's like in a good mood, it sounds like. This is a happy place. We like to have people come in and have dinner. But then they came into our restaurant after hours and they violated it. and we're concerned about it. Okay, Josh, let's get back to you real quick. If you're just tuning in. I prefer not to.

Josh mentioned that back when his wife, back when he and his wife were just dating, there was a night where he texted her for a late night booty call, but she never answered. And she told him the reason why she never answered was because she was off with a group of men. No, that's not the story. having sex with them. No, one guy. Instead of Josh. There are a few listeners who have texted in and they want to know one thing, Josh, about that night in particular.

Yeah. Where was your mother that evening? Who do you think was holding the camera? Dana, what the hell, dude? Poor Josh. I might as well just jump in on it. Yeah, you may, yeah. Come on, you can give it to her harder than that.

Mm-hmm. Kind of like that eight-mile thing. You can make fun of yourself and kind of take the wind out of everybody else's sales. Half-assed morning show 93X Dr. P. Jesus is in studio on day one of the spring edition of Ultimate F-off week. Hello, Dr. P, and welcome to F-off week.

Hey, great to be here for F-off week. Nice to have you. Looking good as always. Oh, thank you. Have you been outside playing a little pickleball? Looks like he got some... A little bit. A little bit. A little bit. A little bit of lawn stuff, too, you know.

Got a new tractor. Did you roll it? Yeah. Ah, lucky. It's green. That's awesome. It's actually, yeah, it's a little small lawn sprinkler tractor that follows my hose, actually. You know.

You dick. Yeah. You got one of those cute little, yeah. A fast can get that bad by cooking. It's quite stationary. It appears to go very slow. No, a big part of my lawn got all screwed up. So, yes, I did finally buy one of those cheesy tractors.

I wish I had a real tractor. Yeah, me too. I don't have a lawn big enough for one, but it would be awesome. Short but fat cheese has had a question, some medication that you can help out here. Let's see. Can you put, or can you, sorry, hold on. Can I ask my doctor to put me on a new medication for pain? They have Tylenol with codeine, and she's wondering, is that addictive?

I mean, codeine is an opiate. So, yeah, I mean, it's related to morphine. and all the other medications in that category. So, yeah, it's easy to become dependent on codeine, just like any other medicine like that. I had that once. I was prescribed that once. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You know, there's a difference between dependence and addiction, and, you know, it gets complicated. But basically, any medication like that, if you keep taking it, you need more to get the same effect. And there's pretty good evidence these days that being on those types of medication, it actually your pain levels increase over time. So there's an opioid epidemic at this point in the U.S.,

and maybe I guess I don't know about the rest of the world, but in the U.S. where people obviously have access to various drugs, you know, you hear about things being laced with much more potent opioids and people overdosing. So there's a huge push to really reduce people being on those chronically, if at all possible. Anybody watch the Hulu show Dope Sick? Never saw it. Yep.

That was a paint a pretty bleak picture about how that can just grab you and change your life completely. Yeah, folks will get hooked on drugs. They will. So I guess I'm not sure she's asking about. I mean. Tylenol with coding specific. I thought that was pretty mild as far as that goes. I mean, it's a, it depends on the dose a little bit.

I mean. This is what my doctor told me. Yeah, I guess it is considered sort of a milder opioid. I don't think it's any less, you know, you can still become dependent on it. So it's, I have no idea what's going on with her pain. You know, usually, again, trying to prevent people from being on that long term is the goal. So. I try to stay away from drug.

all together. I don't even like to take Advil. I try not to as well. Oh, I miss being able to take real drugs. I get my balls busted. I mean, why, you, why, Nick? You just Oh, I don't know. I just don't like pills. Yeah. I don't like pills.

You miss real drugs? Being able to take real medication, yeah. Why can't you take real medication? Because the baby. Oh, you're pregnant. The only thing I'm allowed to take is like Tylenol or Benadryl. Like, I'm convinced if I called them and was like, hey, I got stabbed and

I'm bleeding out, they'd be like, oh, Tylenol, just take some Tylenol. They don't want you near anything. Yeah. You can take Unisom too, though. That'll help you sleep through the stabbing. Yeah, that's stuff. I've been on that stuff. It is true. You're quite limited in pregnancy. They don't, mostly because they don't like to experiment on pregnant women. Yeah, it makes sense. Lots of things are not known whether they're particularly safe. Here's a listener texting in about cholesterol. They are doing the carnivore diet. So it says, says here, can you ask the doctor his take on cholesterol if it's good or bad for you? What do they mean by that?

Well, I guess, I mean, that's a good question. If you're measuring cholesterol levels in the blood, there's the bad cholesterol, this is the simplest way to look at it. The bad cholesterol is the LDL. The good cholesterol is the HDL. Triglycerides are the free fats. and various numbers of those can reflect pretty much what your diet is like, what your genetics are like, and can either increase or decrease your risk of heart disease depending on what those are like. I mean, eating cholesterol does not, I think this is what they're talking about, eating cholesterol does not directly affect your cholesterol. I mean, eating fats, which is cholesterol is in that.

are processed and, you know, it's a downstream thing. I mean, if you eat a higher fat diet, you know, lots of red meat, your cholesterol numbers do tend to go to a more unfavorable panel, but it's not a direct correlation. But, I mean, the carnivore diet, I guess, I mean, presumably that means, well, does that just mean meat? Do people do that? Yeah, they do.

I mean, that's even more restrictive than, you know, the, Atkins diet, which is at least meat and dairy and some other things. That's what it reminds me of. I think in the carnivore diet, it's a lot of red meat and eggs. A lot of eggs. Yeah, I mean, I think it's debatable exactly what that'll do to your cholesterol, but it's certainly not going to help it. But again, you do need to separate cholesterol that you eat from cholesterol in your bloodstream

based on how your body is processing the things you're eating. There's not a direct correlation. Um, yeah, when you, when you get cholesterol numbers from your doctor, you know, they'll probably tell you, this looks okay. This looks bad. This here's what you would do to work on it. Okay. You know, changing to a lower fat diet. Exercising more will hopefully decrease the bad cholesterol, increase the good cholesterol.

Fair enough. Do you guys remember? I think it was in your stupid news, Nick. We had a story about a guy who was doing the carnivore, or a version of the carnivore diet. And he started like, uh, cholesterol started coming out of his head. hands? He turned pink. Yeah, he had changed color. Yeah, he turned into the, his skin was the same color as raw meat, if I, if I'm remembering this, the same story. Yeah, he claimed that this was the diet he was following. He was seeping out something, Josh. What was it like? I mean,

it could have been cholesterol. Cholesterol. There are people, some people, I mean, I guess I haven't heard of that from dietary change. There are people that don't process fats, right? Monemia, I believe, is what it's called. It's basically like free fats floating around your blood, but they'll get little like vesicles around their eyes and all over the body. From eating too much red meat? Well, just because they can't process cholesterol. They can't process it.

This person probably has some sort of predisposition to that too. That sucks. They're turning the same color as their meal before they cooked it. Yeah, I guess I don't know why you'd want that goal, unless you're trying to become food for a carnivore. I'm going on safari. Right, yeah. Wolves love me.

Dogs in the neighborhood, everybody. Shawnee be good, Jesus said, just this morning I cracked one off in the shower. Good. And they noticed some discoloring in the red to brown area. I've been there. 44. First time I've ever seen something like that.

Recently in from a yearly physical, all tests came back normal. Is it nothing to worry about or do I need immediate medical attention? There's no in between. Yeah. Does not need immediate medical attention. So haematospermia, I believe is what we're talking about, which is blood in the semen. Right.

Question mark. It's scary the first time it happens. Did you hear the part where he cracked one off in the show? I know. That's why I just wanted to make sure. I was sort of assuming I knew what that meant, and I think most people in the listening audience do. they also know what beating off a man.

It's beating off 100 men. Yeah, I heard that this morning, too. By the way, who to hell rubs one out a guy before work, for God's sake? Maybe he's a third shifter. And he's 44, too. That's impressive. Maybe he's a third shift. I was estimating if he's in the shower, he's readying himself for a day.

I just want to crawl back into bed after that experience. This is one dedicated worker right here. Yes, yes. But no, a small amount of blood in the semen is. is not terribly uncommon. It is, I mean, if it keeps happening, absolutely, get it in to be seen. But it's usually just, it's probably a tiny little blood vessel in the prostate or one of the seminal vesicles that is, you know, there's a little bit of blood.

It doesn't take much to appear, obviously very abnormal. It is rarely, rarely a sign of anything bad. So a little blood in the semen, you're not too worried. What about the other way? If you cut your arm and some semen comes up. Is that bad? Stay away from ladies who are not on birth control. And, yeah, maybe you get that.

I've never heard of that one. I've never heard of that one. Dr. P is our guest this morning. Dr. James Parnell, 651, 9893-93. If you have a question, you'd like to text his way. Dr. P., why does alcohol cause a, quote, beer belly? And we could go in a bunch of different directions here, really. I want to know why and how alcohol affects some people's noses.

I want to know why alcohol affects some people's eyes and things like. Faces, where they turn red. Faces, they bloat and turn red. But first off, I mean, it probably has to do with just simply calories, right? Why does alcohol cause a beer belly? Yeah. It's, I mean, typically a beer belly is in men. And it's.

And they've earned it. They have earned it, right? Right. Yeah, they've done well to create a shelf for their beer on their abdomen. I mean, so men tend to hold on to fat centrally, central obesity, as opposed to in the butt and thighs, which is where women tend to. So that's one part of it. Yeah, beer, I mean, beer does have a lot of carbohydrates, basically. So it's a lot of calories and a lot of calories pretty fast, and your body just kind of stores that essentially. It's like you're storing energy. That's where it goes.

Yep. Yep. I remember the first time someone told me it was a fuel tank for a love machine. I thought that was pretty bad. My other favorite Josh is when guys say, hey, when you got a rig like this, you've got to build a shed over it. That's a good one. Yeah. I don't think it helps that probably.

So it's, I mean, it could also be enlargement of liver that can, you know, add to the beer billy. Oh, kiss your ass goodbye at that point, right? Well, if it's big, you know, you still got time. Once it gets big and then starts to scar and shrinks into cirrhosis, then you can kiss it. What about some of those hard drinkers that get the red nose? It is, it's so usually they have rosacea probably. So it's a skin condition that men will often get later in life. I mean, women can get it too.

Okay. But alcohol tends to make it worse. And like really chronic alcohol gives like the, was it? WSC Fields, you know, like, like rhino phyma, I think is the term, basically where you get enlargement of the nose from, I think even Winston Churchill had that maybe. So it's not terribly uncommon,

but yeah, that redness is sort of a genetic condition, and it just shows up that way. But the, yeah, the puffiness of the face, I think it's all just, you know, way, way too many calories that your body can't do anything with. One of my friends found out he was allergic to a certain type of alcohol because every time he would drink it, he would turn red-faced and get very hot.

Found out he was allergic to a certain type of hooch. Now, one more real quick. What about when folks get that yellowing of the eyes, that pretty much means they're at death's door? I mean, yellowing of the eyes is jaundice, yeah, if that's what you're thinking of. I thought that... Like, isn't that a failure or kidney? I mean, that's basically, yeah, it's related to liver failure.

Okay, maybe I have the wrong color. I thought if you were a really hard drinker, you can see a redness or a discoloration. I thought it was yellow in the, but maybe I'm thinking of something completely different. I mean, you might be. I mean, again, jaundice is a sign of, yeah, your liver is not processing vial anymore. That must be it. And that's, you're, you are in trouble then. Okay.

I had a good friend who had hepatitis and passed the way, turned yellow, yellow eyes. Died of hepatitis? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. I mean, it obviously looks, it looks bizarre. I mean, it's not a normal variation of color. Yeah, it's not subtle.

So I'll look up what you're talking about. I'm not, I don't worry about it. I'm not sure that is what you're thinking of. That's just, you know what it was, Dr. Pete? It was the liquor talking. Here's a libido question for you from a 37-year-old. My libido is higher these days than even in my teens and 20s. Is that normal?

I find it quite annoying. Hmm. It's just a man or a woman? It doesn't say, I couldn't tell you. Oh. Yeah, because they say a woman, well, the word on the street is that it, you get a higher sex drive. In the 30s. Yeah.

For women, that's totally normal. Yeah. It sucks because that's when men start to go the other way. Well, this guy's in his 30s? A guy or girl, yes, 37. Yeah. You guys said it. I mean, I think I don't know why exactly that happens with women.

I mean, I don't think estrogen levels are higher in your 30s, but it does seem like women tend to go that direction. He's a guy. He's a guy. He's a guy. He just got back to us. Yeah. When I was in my 30s, I was probably at my peak there, too. My late 20s, early 30s was the slottiest years of my life.

Yeah. I don't think it's unusual. No, no, not at all. Between 35 and 40, I was a sick animal. It may just, you know, I think maybe, well, obviously the experience of being a teenager, It's all new, you know, and you don't have a whole lot going on. You don't have a job. You don't, I mean, so it, you know, in retrospect, it may seem like your drive was even more than it was.

But, no, I don't, I mean, I can't think of a single medical condition in a man that's going to make your sex drive higher that you're, you need to go to the doctor for. Maybe he got some hot new neighbors or something like that. Yeah, but truly, I mean, I would say there's nothing unusual about that. No, like a testosterone secreting tumor. No, I don't, I don't, that would be weird. So you're not too worried about it? No. Use protection.

Oh, no, Dr. P.Gs is one of our listeners, as they put it here in their text machine, got the shingles. Oh, I heard that's so painful. Ever since I turned 50, some pharmacies have been texting me saying, hey, get your shingles vaccine. You should. And I keep putting it off. forget about it every friggin' time. I'm going to do it. I went once and there was a problem with insurance or something.

Okay. I've heard it's a terrible thing. So this listener says, I got the shingles two weeks ago, in your professional opinion, how much longer till the itching stops. It's super uncomfortable. They don't mention if they're medicating themselves in any way, but maybe he's asking, in general, how long does the case of shingles stick around for a pimp? Sure.

So shingles, just to remind people, is the chickenpox virus. Um, we, you know, at least historically, people our age had it as a kid. Right. We got it from other people. Oh, I hated the chicken pox. I had a, I had a breeze when I had it. So go ahead. Yeah, and viruses, um, it seems weird, but they can hang out in your body in a dormant state, um,

for decades. And they do. And usually it's in sort of, uh, an area of nerves along the spine. And then at some point when you're older, maybe because you're stressed or you're your immune system's not quite up to snuff. The virus sort of, because you develop antibodies when you first have chicken pox, those sort of keep that virus suppressed. That's why if your immune system isn't working quite right, the virus says, hey, it's party.

Remember me? And it starts replicating and spreading along the course of a nerve and it erupts onto the skin. So you get a rash that looks like chicken pox sort of red with little fluid-filled vesicles. and there's pain. And it's nerve pain, which is weird. My dad had it, and he was miserable. Because it's not, the patients I've seen over the years, usually you get pain actually before you get the rash.

And people will be like, man, I must have broken a rib or strain something or what is going on here. Buddy of mine had that exact experience. And it hurts so much, and yet you didn't do anything and you can push on it, it doesn't hurt. And then the rash sort of shows up. So it's a unique kind of pain. I mean, it's burning, tingling, shooting, and just bad.

Sounds awful. Yeah. And then the rash will erupt. If you realize it's happening or if you get in early, you can be put on some antiviral medication that will shorten the course of the whole experience. This person says it made its way down to his manhood. Oh. That can happen, huh?

Or maybe he had something else at the same time. I mean, that's a little, because usually, I mean, typically it's in the, it's called a dermatome. It's in the path of a nerve where on the skin a nerve innervates, basically. So it's usually like wrapping around your torso or, I mean, it could wrap around your waist and I guess into your, what did he say again? His manhood. His manhood. That's an unusual spot. Yeah.

You can happen up on your head and face, and that can be very concerning because of eye problems. So if you get put on medication, it'll shorten the course. even if you don't, the rash usually lasts for probably, well, the vesicles last for days to maybe a week. Then they start to dry up. When they're dried up, you're no longer kind of actively producing virus, essentially. Probably looking at a rough month then. At least, yeah. Some people will have that pain going on for, I mean, months.

And sometimes people will have pain forever. I mean, that's why, that's really why there's a shingle vaccine, because as the older you get, the more severe cases of shingles tend to be, and the more likely you are to have, it's called post-herpetic neuralgia. Never heard of anyone having shingles on their rod. No. I haven't either. I mean, right after I spent the weekend with this married woman up in Little Falls. Right. So that is, that is a, you know, that's a question.

I mean, you know, being diagnosed with shingles is usually a good idea. because you don't want to just assume. It's almost always on one side of the body. Yeah. It is exceedingly rare. It wouldn't normally be in the midline, and it wouldn't normally be wrapping around both sides. So if you just gave a guy a heads up on a terrible STD he recently caught them.

He might have something different. A 38-year-old female wants to know, do I have to wait until I'm 50 to get the vaccine? That's what they told me at the pharmacy. I mean, that's the recommendation, you know, from the vaccine folks. Usually that's what I think insurance is require you to be 50. And it's because basically, you know, after 50 is, it's presumed that your immune,

or your antibodies against the chickenpox virus are waning. And again, as the older you get, the more severe shingles tends to be. So that's the age that's been picked. I think when the shingles vaccine, when I first came out was a little older. There's been a couple different ones over time. I think. Am I getting that all mixed up? No, but.

One more quick shingles question. If you had really bad chicken pox as a kid, is that foreshadowing for shingles? Because I had a cakewalk. When I had chicken pox, it wasn't no thing but a chicken wing, you know, the whole thing. My brother and sister were just mangled. They could barely move. That's a good question. I would actually think, if anything, it's the opposite.

Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I was going to say, do you want to hear this next? I was feeling pretty. Did you get any pock marks at all? No. I got a couple.

It was a cake. I danced my way through chicken pox when I was a kid. Everyone else in the family was just laid out suffering. The only reason I say that is because if you have a more severe case, your body probably puts up a much more vigorous antibody or immune response. So you have more antibodies long term. But I could look that up quick. I don't, I've never heard that.

You can look it up. But yeah, milder would tend to suggest your body didn't have to fight it off too much. All right. Yes. Yes, my friends. Our doctor is here, Dr. James Parnell, otherwise known as Dr. P. Jesus.

We've got to wrap this deal up right quick, but we can squeeze in a couple more questions for the man from our glorious listening audience. A dark question, Dr. P. Jesus. In your career, a listener wants to know, have he ever performed any amputations? And if so, what did you cut off? I mean, I guess you could,

You could consider this an amputation. I mean, it's not very common these days, and it's certainly not done generally by your family doctor. Right. If they recommend it, you might want to get a second opinion. If they're talking about doing an office amputation. I'll hack that thing right here, man. Let me call in the nurse. We'll just cut it off.

You know, you hate that toenail fungus. Let's just get rid of those toes. In the emergency room when I was a resident, somebody had had had, A rough interaction with a lawnmower. Oh. And, yes. I had a friend who had a rough interaction with a snowblower. Oh, yeah, that's even...

I feel like that's worse because of maybe the, you know, it pulls you in, the mower kind of chops. It was weird, though. So he was a kid. We were maybe fourth grade. And so, like you said, it sucked them in, but his skin was never broken. But he broke almost every bone in his foot.

It was just a bag of bones. That's true. Snowballer doesn't really have sharp edges. It was because it went like between the blades. Yeah. It's kind of how it went. What did you cut off? I had to cut off the end of his finger. Oh.

Yep. Because it was, that part wasn't going to survive. So yeah, you use a little. It's kind of fun. Use a little tool called a ranger. It's basically like, you know,

a huge nail clipper. Yeah. And I still remember the sound and the feel of it. Yeah. Thankfully, um, Amputations don't have to be done a whole lot. And generally, if they are, they are done, obviously, in an operating room, not on a picnic table next to a, you know, battlefield like it used to be done.

Which I, when I think about, you know, a picnic table next to a... And being a doctor or a medic in before the... Well, honestly, anywhere, really. But, yeah, they used to just carry on their saws. Yeah. You never know when you got to cut off a leg. What a good. I have a couple follow-up things.

about shingles, just really quick. Shingles. The severity of your chicken pox does not appear to directly correlate at all to severity or timing of shingles. Whether you get it or not. Yeah, or how bad it's going to be. And then the other thing I should have clarified is so for people who are otherwise healthy don't have significant medical problems, 50 is the age when you get the vaccine.

If you're immunocompromised because of a chronic medical condition because of a transplant, chemotherapy, things like that, then it can be done really after age 18 any time. Because if your immune system is suppressed, then you're more likely to get episodes of shingles. And honestly, you know, those people can end up getting it multiple times, really, because their immune system's not responding correctly. What a nightmare. Wayland for Life has one more tax on shingles. Do you recommend the original three tab or the architectural?

He's going to put a new roof on the south. Go for architectural. I think it's a nice look, yeah. Sure. Yeah. Friggin unbelievable. We got to get going, Dr. P. It always goes so fast.

It does. Because we have a lot of fun, and you're always very informative and friendly, and by damn, we look forward to a couple weeks from now when we will meet again. Always good to be here. Thanks. Thanks, dude. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, Pimps?

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That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-E-L-L-K-E-L-L-L-E-L-L-E-L-L-L-E. And it spells relief for you. Full Send Golf. You guys know how much. I really, really love golf, and I think every week would be dope to post on the golf channel. I want to get a lot of guests on here. Saleem's going to take a leap. I'm down to be in it. It's not really work to play golf. Join the party on the golf course.

I was like, let's go to the range. So what are we putting on it? We said 10K, right? 10K? All right? We probably bet more than all the other golf channels, right? 10K, nine holes. Those guys bet for, like, cookies. I feel like I'm going to shank it. This guy's been trading like a Navy seal when it comes to golf.

I'm very, very excited. You excited? Yeah. Full Send Golf. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. the home of the half-assed morning show. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. We got to check in, Josh. Who from? A listener is checked in on our Luther-Bloomington Kia text line,

and that would be, hang on a second, I'll get there in just a second. I'll try anything four times Jesus has checked in. Oh, I know that guy. He says, hello, Ashley, and the other ones. Hello. Oh, this is going to hurt. All right, then.

He's going to be sticking with that all day. We learned earlier that's a hurtful statement. All right. A little bit earlier on, we had another conversation on grown folks who have a fear of the dark. Scary things can happen in the dark. Got a couple of great text messages from a deer hunter or two. And the first said,

nothing will make your spine shiver more than sitting in your deer stand in the dark waiting for the light. And you have a bobcat scream at you. Oh, dude. That's a little bit of everything, Jesus, who texted that in. And then a separate deer hunter said, last week when deer hunting, last year, I should say, when deer hunting, I had a barn owl scream at me when I got to my stand. This was about 4.30 in the morning. It wasn't light yet.

And he said, I'm not going to lie. That got to me a little. The screaming barn owl. Yeah, I bet. That's terrifying. We've got a couple of big owls in our backyard. They're loud as hell. I've never lived somewhere where we've had those. I used to have a couple of those big fat bastards.

Friggin tree branch cubby kind of stretched down right in front of my bedroom window. I could hear everything those owls were saying to each other all night long. I finally got a picture of it. I showed it to Ashley. It's a big guy. That thing's huge. Hasn't taken care of a couple rabbits in your neighborhood, too? Oh, dude, squirrel parts.

I found the hindquarters of a squirrel the other day. Yeah, it's decapitated rabbits. I think there's two of them. Now, one of the greatest pranks I've ever heard of, I wish I would have been there. While we're talking about a fear of the dark, and we were talking specifically about hunting. My buddy, Joey, one of my best bros,

he's the guy who cries at all the Queenswright concerts. Oh, I think you were just talking about it. yesterday, weren't you? Offair, we were playing some, it wasn't Queenswright, but I forget what you were playing. You mentioned he cried during that, too. Oh, yeah. He likes to cry at concerts. The music gets to him. That's Joey. What song

was it? Anyway. Oh, it was Mega death. Mega death. I don't recall. At any rate, he used to be a big hunter. And I wish I would have been in on this prank, but I was not. So, Joey's one of

guys that'll drive his pickup into the middle of nowhere's in the woods hours before daylight and then just kind of fall asleep or relax in the front cab of his pickup until the sun comes up and then he goes off trotting around the woods hunting birds and such so some other friends of his pulled this prank on him where they knew where he was headed and waited for his truck to pull up waited for him to turn all the lights off in his pickup. And they knew he was sitting in there, you know, trying to sleep or just relaxing. And some big, some bitch pulled on the Jason hockey mask and had the machete in hand and walked out of the woods towards Joey's pickup.

And Joey told me it was the closest he'd ever come to a full coronary failure. I can imagine having a heart attack seen something like that. Great prank. I wish I would have been there. That's really sketch. you to do when you know that they have a weapon. Right. I say the guy's lucky he didn't get shot. Well, Joey's also kind of a chicken dick.

Oh, okay. So he knew he was going to be safe. They knew that he would scream and run away like a little girl before he would ever fire his weapon. Millennial steel cutter Jesus said last year he had a coyote run at him and stop about 20 feet away in the middle of the night. I've had a couple of those that just try and take themselves out in front of my vehicle for whatever reason.

They're not right in the head, those coyotes. So we were talking all about sleeping. Some are afraid of the dark. Some like to sleep with a light on. Ashley specifically likes to sleep with a red light on. Some of you just like to sleep with fans. And I think that's some sign of mental shortcoming. But all this talk about sleep, for Christ's sake, Josh, we got this text message right here.

A listener said, ah, come on, you guys. All this talk about sleep made me piss in my bed. Oh, no. So, what? He's a bedwetter. I hope he was in bed. Versus just standing there going. Now, what was it that we discussed, Josh, something that keeps you awake?

There was some product I thought we were talking about something that product. Any little red light that's on like a TV or something. Oh, that's it. Yeah, not necessarily keeps me awake, but I would do my best to cover it or turn it off. But I thought we talked about something that will keep you awake. Oh, the hand sanitizer under the nose? There you go. A military guy texted in and said...

Offended millennial Jesus. Back when he was in the service, they'd smear a little hand sanitizer under their nose and it would keep them awake. That was it, yes. Another listener texted in to say, Zins under your foreskin is the only way... Is the best way to stay awake. I don't have that much foreskin.

Oh, my God. You put a few of those Zin nicotine thing. You put them under your foreskin, tuck it in there. And he says, that's the way to stay awake. All right. All right. You know, you just gave them an all right, which is very similar. That is very similar.

Very similar to. That deserved that. What? No, it did not. That was very funny. That was good advice, too. What line did I get now that I have in my back pocket? All right, then.

All right then. All right then. And you just gave this guy, all right. Yeah, because picturing that is very disturbing. What's with the attitude in the room? Oh, my bad. My bad. That's normal. My bad. I want to jump in on this. Do you mind reading that text one more time? Zins under the foreskin are the only real way to stay awake.

Pause. Okay, dude. All very similar and disrespectful. It's very mean. My bad. Very mean vibe. Love that. We also earlier talked about noravirus might be making its way through town, right?

Everyone's throwing up, spraying diarrhea all over town is what we hear. I wasn't sure what it meant. Josh, Josh said it's a foodborne illness. Foodborne illness and it has ruined many a cruise for vacationers. The norah virus, right? Yeah. I forgot who this was, but a listener texted in with an explanation on Nora virus, and then we'll get to the stupid news.

They say, Noro, Nora, whatever it is virus, is when hot pecanque sauce painfully blasts out your nose like fire from a mythical scaled beast. And the rest of what takes place should never be discussed. I have heard so many horror stories about. that. People have said, you can't even explain how bad it is getting that. Hoosier Jesus has an idea for a bedroom name for you, Ashley. Have you named your bedroom? No, I haven't. I had a friend who named his the arena because he had a king-sized bed in the world's smallest room. So it's basically all bad. So good. Hoosier Jesus recommends because you sleep with a red light on, you said. Yep.

You should call it the red light district. Oh. That's perfect. Yeah, I bet some funky stuff to have. I'll put a little sign above my door. Welcome to the red light distance. All right. There's people that are kind of bummed out that don't have foreskins like me, and they can't try the Zen thing to stay awake. One of the most shocking things I ever saw in my life was when a grown man attempted to pour hot coffee into his eyes to stay awake.

Oh, it's crazy. And that wasn't a bit. He wasn't trying to be funny or, like, emulate jackass in somewhere. How would that work? This guy had never been fun. once in his entire life. This was one of the most bizarre things I had ever seen. What was he trying to stay awake for?

Was it like worth something to that drastic? Well, if you want to know the whole freaking story, it was a dude that I used to work with on the radio. In my early, early, early, early days of morning radio. This makes sense. I worked with a dude. That dude's brother came into the show a few times. He was in town and he had nothing else to do

so he would come in and watch us do our poorly rated radio show. I wouldn't have done that for my brother, but that's... So it was my co-host's brother who's sitting, you know, off to the side here in the studio. And we were live, I believe. And I look over and I said, what are you... He was trying to stay awake for the friggin' stupid radio show. and he's got a cup of coffee and he's trying to lightly, he's trying to lightly drip it into his friggin eyes like you would do with,

what's that stuff? Eye drops. Vizine? Vizine, yes, yeah. And we both said, what are you doing? The guy wasn't all there. Obviously not. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, I bet you were terrified to see something like that. I was dying on a knee laughing because what I was watching was so. insane. This person says as far as the Zen pouches in your foreskin. Yeah. Nah. Three Zen pouches in your butt. Then you shotgun a warm rip of energy drink to stay awake.

Works better because not everybody has a foreskin. Are you guys all right? Oh, man. I think I can get a third up there. Really got a long day at work. Jesus, balls. Now this year will make you, uh, This will make some of you think twice about cutting a deuce in a public bathroom.

I have no fear of such things, but we've covered that many, many times. Everybody's different. Some folks don't like the public bedroom. A fella in New Mexico, a 51-year-old by the name of Jason Roth, Jason says, he got stabbed in the ass. He claimed he sat down to go potty on a Walmart toilet and a couple of syringes stabbed him in his ass cheeks. No, you shouldn't have to worry about that when you're trying to go to the bathroom.

Jason says the syringes were taped to the toilet, so it was a booby trap kind of a thing. He says someone set it up, maybe you'd call it a booty trap if you want to go that route. But he says someone set it up like that. It's terrible. He also told the cops that he thinks he saw the guy responsible for the setup. Jason said the bathroom stall that he tried to take a dump in had just been used by a guy wearing a t-shirt with a, quote, demonic symbol on it. Oh, no.

Lucifart. It was Lucifart. The pricks of darkness. So Jason went straight into the stall after the demonic t-shirt guy. Ooh, while the seat is still warm. I love that feeling. I love setting down in a toilet when that seat is still warm from the guy before me. So that was the setup.

He walks. He's waiting to take a deuce. Out from the stall comes the demonic t-shirt guy. Jason goes right in after him. And the next thing, you know, he takes two needles to his ass. He said there was, quote, pink fluid in the syringes that stabbed him. He took a picture of the syringes. He showed him to the cops.

I'm going to... My money's on semen or blood or drugs or all of that combined into one delicious and refreshing a mixture. He went to the hospital, correct? or wait for that? I don't have anything about him going to the hospital. I mean, the cop showed up, so I'm sure they took a look at his ass. Okay, I hope so. Someone got a look at his ass, I think.

We'll just see what happens here. A pink mixture. So I'm going semen blood drugs. What are you going to, Josh, where would you go with that? I'm sure there's got to be at least one of those in there. If the semen's pink, both men need to be checked out at the hospital. Right. Dude said he told the Walmart staff about getting stabbed in the ass,

and he says they didn't care. I don't like hearing negative comments about Walmart. I'm a Walmart fan. I bet that's not true. That's like your favorite place in the world, I'm pretty sure. I love that effing place. I was just there. Where were we?

Two weeks ago? Yeah. For now, I guess I'll have to take this guy's word for it. He says Walmart didn't care. He also said the cops didn't really care. All right. That would be pretty hilarious. What do you want us to do about it?

Why'd you make this our problem? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why, Ashley, but why is that funny that the cops didn't care? That's really funny. Stabbed in the ass by a couple needles, huh? You called us up for that? Some kind of sissy or something?

Maybe he didn't go to the hospital then, because he's like, oh, fine, if nobody cares, I guess. I'm going to come off all fancy here. A preliminary test on the syringe contents returned inconclusive results. I could have said that in a better way. That's sketchy. They don't know what was in the syringes just yet. And then when it was all said and done, this guy made an interesting quote. Jason said, pay attention to your surroundings people.

There are demons out there everywhere. I'd like to think I would have noticed a couple of syringes sitting in the toilet seat before I sat down on it. Well, no, they were kind of taped to the bowl and sticking up. It wasn't like they were sitting directly on the seat. And he said he'd been waiting for a while, so it could have been. an emergency at that point. Or tape to the inside of the, how do I say it, the seat itself.

So it was a surprise attack. I mean, I think any of us would notice two syringes sitting on the... If I accidentally ever sit on hell's bidet, I would hope somebody would care if I told them. I want one person to say, all right, we'll investigate this. That sounds pretty scary. I'd care, Josh.

Thank you. I know you would. You're a good person. I'll keep an eye out for these demons. He says there's demons out there everywhere. He's really set on that. all because the t-shirt. That would scare me. Yeah, me too. That makes a difference.

The story from a couple weeks ago where some jagoff was running around Italy pretending to poke people with a syringe and then he'd run away. There was no needle and there was nothing in the syringe, but he was leading people to believe that he just dose them with something and then he's running away. That would scare me and really piss me off. But you didn't mean not to, Jesus has checked in. and I haven't seen weapons. He thought I had seen the movie weapons.

I know you have Ashley, and you enjoyed it, correct? Yes. You want to see some weapons, huh? Whoa, look at those guns. Wow. I've flexed for Josh. Three syringes? He made a reference to three syringes, Ashley.

Three syringes. To the face. Oh, oh, no. Yeah. That's bad. I forgot about that part. I've chosen not to watch it because you mentioned how disturbing it was. But it's like a good disturbing.

But no, yeah, I guess there are a few scenes, and that was one of them where I was like, I'm going to cover my eyes a little bit. This is kind of scary. Shotgun Messiah Jesus has texted in. We mentioned that the color of the fluid in those syringes that shot up that guy's ass cheeks at the Walmart bathroom, the color was pink. My guess is semen blood drugs. But Shotgun Messiah Jesus says,

it was recreational vehicle anti-freeze. Oh, yeah. Steelers fan Jesus thought off-road diesel. Oh, no. I don't need that in my bloodstream, for Christ's sake. All right. Boy, people are checking in on other scenes from weapons. That sounds like that movie's pretty disturbed.

What's the story on this movie? What's it about? It's like a bunch of these kids go missing at the same time, and they're trying to figure out where the kids are, and then there's some, like, witchcraft involved. Oh, here we go. It's very disturbing, but really good. It's a movie?

Yes. A motion picture, okay. And the witchcraft lady is so terrifying. She was on the list of the, like, Halloween costumes we were talking about not too long ago. Okay. Got a 7-1-5er with a way to avoid sitting on a couple of syringes, upper deckers. Just upper decker from that one. Nobody's going to think to put a syringe up there.

I don't have the athletic ability. I don't know if I ever had the athletic ability to pull off an upper decker. That's absolutely disgusting and wrong. Yeah, I would never do that. Please. Never even. That's so wrong. Never tempted.

Dana, I'd imagine you've been to a party or two where that's happened. I don't think I ever have, actually. I seem like the type of person that would know somebody at least who pulled off an upper decker. But I don't think so. I lost an immense amount of respect for my husband when he told me that. He never did it, but he had buddies that did it in college. And like peeing and people's shampoo bottles and stuff at parties. He made a champagne bottle out of a shampoo bottle?

I was like, dude, who are you? You want to make a statement at a beer party. You want to be a man. Start a fight or steal some liquor. Thank you. Start a fight, steal some booze, steal something valuable from the home. You don't poop and pee. in secret places. Be a man.

At one point or another, grow up and be a man. All right. The 715ers, they got a lot of good ideas how to avoid getting pricked in the butt. You just take the toilet right off the floor and go straight in the hole. Never let them know your next move. Somebody wants to know what an upper-decker is. Ashley... We're not telling. Let's not contribute.

Okay. I guess you can Google it. Google it. We're not going to contribute to that problem. I hope you never on either end of that. All right. Do you guys know those pneumatic tubes that you shoot back and forth at each other at the bank drive-thru? Yeah, those are cool. Fun, right? Yes.

I used to work at a bank, though, when they would get stuck, that was the worst. Did you have to crawl down in there? No, but it would take forever for them to get unstuck. I don't even really know how they would do it. Would you try to shoot another one through to try to spring it loose? God, and people would be so mad. Pour a little Drano in there. God, that pissed me off.

Those are fun. Those are cool. There are a couple places that I go don't have them anymore. What? Switch banks. One's a bank and one's a pharmacy. Oh, my gosh. They do it at a pharmacy?

They did, yeah. The tubes. I got to be careful, though. My buddy Tommy got his dress shirt ripped off by one of them. Are you making a Tommy boy? Yeah. Oh. I thought, oh, you have a friend named Tommy?

A lot of fun. folks think of she's a beauty when you bring up the tubes. That's a good one. And it's okay. It's okay. It's a damn shame, though, and all you heard early 80s music people, let's see if you agree with me. It's a damn shame that the tubes aren't known more for Talk to You Later.

Yeah, that's the one I just referenced. It is the far superior song. I agree. Far superior song. My high school band, The Green Units. Onion Band, and anybody who was part of our fan club, The Onion Ring, could tell you, we played Talk to You Later. We skipped She's a Beauty. You should have. You did the right thing. You showed that you have some level of... I mean, just the riff is cool. Yeah. I got a voice message last night from one of my oldest bros, Todd.

I saw Todd over the weekend at a funeral for the first time in years and years and years. He left me a voicemail last night. Todd loves the tubes. And when we were young and drunk, when you'd put on talk to you later, there wouldn't be anything in the house that was left unbroken. Oh, he loved the tubes, man. That's a great song. It's awesome. It's awesome, yeah.

Terrific song. All right. Those silly little tubes that you shoot back and forth at each other at the bank drive-thru. This story is so effing dumb. But at the same time, I really love this story for a couple different reasons. So it says here now, Josh, a derelict in New York, he got himself arrested because he put a lit cigar in the drive-through money tube thing at the bank. That's the first part of the story that I really enjoy because that is so effing dumb that I'm in love with it. He put a lit cigar in the money tube thing and sent it back to the teller.

This was no accident. The dick bag who put the lit cigar in the bank drive-through money tube thing, he did it intentionally. Nobody knows why. Now, the dude who pulled this dick move is a career jagoff. He's got a hell of a rap sheet. His name even sounds dumb. Jacob Frank. F-R-O-N-K-F-R-N-K-F-R-N-K-F-R-E.

He's 33. He thinks he's a tough guy. So personally, I think he did this just for the same reason he's like. likely committed all of his other crimes. He's just a bitch. But that's what he did. Sent this lit cigar through the tube thing at the bank. Once the cops got a hold of him and the whole works, he was charged with assault and reckless endangerment. Now, here's the second detail in the story that caused me to fall fully in love with it. The bank employee that received the lit cigar in the bank tube thing. Does some bitch on the receiving end? The

bank employee inhaled the cigar smoke and quote required medical care. That's a person. No, you did not require medical care, F you. They wanted the day off. Yep. Cigar smoke. You stop it right now. The poor bank employee did, in fact, inhale some of the cigar smoke and required medical.

You got to be fronkin kidding. me. There's no way. But it does say here, Josh, that the injuries that the bank employees suffered are not, they do not appear to be life-threatening. Oh, thank God. That is good news. The 93-X

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That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. This isn't your average podcast. This pot is about to be crazy. I don't even know what's going to happen. This is full send. It's just like a boy's scrap. Join the party.

We threw like a spontaneous party. Out of nowhere was crazy. And we pulled off a crazy prank. drinks, parties, and viral culture at its wildest. Just seeing, like, the guys that you brought in and, like, seeing their different personalities and stuff, it's been entertaining, dude. This could be the greatest content build-off of all time, bro. The Full Send Podcast.

Dude, let's get ready to rumble. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Let's do it. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. It's Thursday. It's 93X Rock. It's early in the morning. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. We had a conversation earlier about tomorrow being,

Sure, Halloween. Right. Boring. No one cares about Halloween. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. Another listener is celebrating. Oh, wait a minute. Not tomorrow.

One of our listeners texted in classic country Jesus. His birthday is today, Cubby. Yes. I just remembered mentioning that tomorrow is, you know, my birthday and I guess Halloween. Me and my husband were talking last night about how we should teach our son that when people say like happy Halloween and stuff like that that's just their way of celebrating my birthday that like Halloween is it's just another word for my birthday so you tell the kid hey mom loves scary movies and costumes so because it's her birthday everyone in the neighborhood

goes around town looking for so that's what you spin yeah until we started thinking oh but then when it's his birthday and people don't go all out and do all these special things. He's going to think that nobody likes him or something. That's even better. He should know how cool mom is. They have a whole holiday

based around mom. Why is everyone running around the neighborhood in costume and asking for candy? Well, it's all because it's your mother's birthday. Because I'm just so great that everybody celebrates it. Lying to children, lying to children. I was raised on lies.

I think lying to children is some of the most friggin' fun that an adult can have. The friggin' stories that my parents and my uncles and whatnot tried to convince my brother and I were true was just hilarious stuff. I love that routine. I mean, like say when I was a kid, when we'd drive around town and we would see, it doesn't happen as much as it used to, Josh, because there aren't bench seats in cars anymore. But you know, back in the day, Josh, when the guy would be driving his pickup and his girlfriend is basically sitting on his lap, right? I always wanted that. I thought when I grow up, I want to do just that. You wanted to have a pickup and I want her sitting right there.

A woman at your side. When we were kids, I remember asking my dad, like, why is she sitting so close? And my dad said, oh, it takes two people to drive that car. I loved that. That's what I'm talking about. Those little lies that you mislead children with can be so much frigging fun. I had a pickup that had the bench seat. Never had the girl there, though.

Plenty of groceries. Groceries next to you. You had your arm around the groceries. Yeah. Yeah, and what's great about it is if you, of course, have a kid as dumb as I was. I believe that until I was about 19 years old, that there were cars that took two people to drive. Because my dad established that when I was six. I thought, no kidding.

It takes two people to drive to some bitch. Now, Brian says they have a holiday based on Mom's Mother's Day, but yeah, you're correct. But we want this based on Ashley. Yeah. Just the one mom. Forget all the other moms. Yeah, just me. She's Ashley's Day.

Until I was about 16 years old, I believe that my dad and Willie Nelson went to different schools together. Well, that's actually true, but I didn't listen to what my dad would see Willie Nelson on television. He go, oh, Willie Nelson, he and I went to different schools together. And I never took the time to understand what he, I thought he meant they went to school. But they went to, of course, we all went to different schools together. So it's little things like that that I've always enjoyed. My mom told us as kids that she was deathly allergic to cats. My sister and I, we really wanted a cat.

And she goes, well, we can't get one. You know, your mom will get very sick. You don't want your mom to get sick, do you? We were like, oh, no, no, of course. We completely just dropped the whole thing. And that was when I was seven, eight years old. Fast forward to, like, early 20 as I was dating a girl. And my mom was going to come by and see us,

and we were all going to go to lunch together. And I frantically called my mom because I realized that my girl. girlfriend had a cat. I go, you can't come up to the apartment. She has a cat. And my mom had completely forgotten the lie at this point. Yeah. And it was like, well, what, okay? I don't, like, well, aren't she alert you? She goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just told you that so you'd stop bugging me for a cat. It's exactly what I'm talking about. It's exactly what I'm talking about. All right. Speaking of pets now that we've started talking about pets, in honor of our special guests later on this morning, Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital will be in

studio later. In honor of Dr. Andrea's visit, we enjoy her so much, we have put together Cubby, specifically, has put together an all-animal edition of the stupid news. Just like Josh on a Saturday night after

half a Coors light. All-animal. Yeah. Look out. Meow! It's feisty. That's adorable. I bury my poopies and my peepies. And of course, we're going to start with monkeys. Those peckerhead bastards

They're always doing something I'll say it again They're planning a war A war with humans Just like you might have seen in the movies They've had enough of us pushing us I'll get there They've had enough of us pushing them around

They've already started trouble In other parts of the world We've told the stories up and down They're snatching up our babies They're pissing in our cocktails When we're not looking They think we can They think they can

run the planet better than we can. And I don't disagree with that. I don't. I would love a monkey. Wouldn't you guys? I'd welcome the monkey overlords. I wouldn't have it cool to have a monkey. Oh, God, I've said it.

A little diapered monkey. A million times. Is it smoking and drinking? No, mine's not. Mine is smoking and drinking. Mine's on some harder stuff. What's it? Yeah, mine doesn't, smoking and drinking is nothing to mine.

You are, Dana, you're welcoming our monkey overlords. I'm not. Although I agree that they could probably run things better than we currently do, I still know what side I'm on. You know what I mean? You're going to fight with the humans? I can't turn my back on humanity that easily. I can.

You can. Yes, yeah. You've shown sympathy to the monkeys when we've had these conversations before. They're just trying to live. Poopfoot Jesus hates monkeys. All caps, he hates monkeys. Get back to us. Why do you hate monkeys so much?

What's the deal? You don't find them adorable and you're not impressed with their swinging and climbing skills and poop-throwing skills? Right, I was going to say, the little ones with the red butts at the Minnesota Zoo that fling their poo around, those guys are great. I don't like the red butts, I'll be honest with you. Put those things away. That's intimidating. That's intimidating. When the dust has settled, if the monkeys win the war, I will.

I will tip my hat to them if I'm still alive, but I'm not going to turn on humanity that quickly when the war begins. I know what side I'm on. Why is he yelling at us, Josh? Who's yelling? I don't like the name. The guy that just texted about hating monkeys. Yes. Okay, poop foot Jesus says he hates monkeys and now he's yelling at us?

It's just in all caps. Yeah, he said because they look like people and are dumb. Well, there's a lot of people that look like people and they're dumb. Why the monkeys? I think they're a little cuter. I would argue that they are not dumb. I would like to see a monkey in a military outfit. He's got his...

He's got a little bazooka. Yeah, a sniper, a monkey sniper? Wouldn't you want to see something like that? War paint on. Of course they look cute in uniform. All right. A lot of people are texting and saying they like to spank their monkey. That's hilarious.

Here's the latest nightmare that has unfurial. folded here in the early days of the human monkey war. Down there, Mississippi, diseased research monkeys being transported down the interstate in a semi-truck and trailer. They were able to overturn the truck, they caused it to crash, and then they escaped from the truck. The driver of the truck didn't see it coming. He says he smelled turds in the cab at one point or another.

He knew it wasn't him. Next thing he knows, he's peeling himself off the road upside down in the cab of his truck. They got him. The monkeys turned the truck over, and now they're gone. Maybe I don't welcome the monkey overlords now. Too late. You already said it. They're on their way here.

You're going to be their bitch, Dana. I am. The diseased monkeys escaped. They were being driven from one research facility to another, you know, a pile of them in the trailer. cop showed up full force it was too late and now the police down there are telling folks in the neighborhood to stay inside don't go near a monkey if and you see one

the monkeys are infected with COVID I'm not making this up the monkeys have herpes welcome to the club the monkeys have hepatitis I know they've come out now and said that's not true and you're buying it you're buying that Josh I am buying don't you think of that as maybe monkey war propaganda? Don't do this to me. I slept with two of those monkeys and I thought I was safe.

So now you're saying they do have COVID and herpes and super gonorrhea and everything else. Are you a, are you a monkey effer? You know what I am. For Pete's sake, it says here some of the escaped monkeys have been shot dead. Oh. This is terrible. What is going on? They thought they were infected. And they don't like people. I'm guessing that it says here, don't go near these monkeys. They do not like us. And I'm guessing that's because they know that we are the ones that gave them COVID and herpes and hepatitis.

Yeah, if you're a lab monkey or lab enter the, you know, whatever animal you want to put after that, I bet they don't have a good feeling about humans. As we're getting hair spray sprayed in their eyes and whatnot? It's going to get a whole lot worse for it gets better, everybody. In their eyes. The war has begun here in the States. They overturned a friggin' truck. They kicked the driver's ass and they ran into the woods.

I can't get enough of these stories, though. Come on. More monkey issues, please. Although some of them, we've talked about these monkeys many times where they're like stealing babies and throwing them off roofs and stuff like that. I don't like evil monkeys. They're climbing in your windows. I can't help, but I hope the babies are okay.

But like, imagine a monkey just like throwing a baby like a football. I got to say I get kind of scared of the monkey on family guy. That monkey is always so upset. No, no, no, he's okay. Yeah, and Chris is always pointing and he looks so angry. He's a family man. Oh, yeah, they did a whole episode about him once. I forgot about that.

They kind of told his backstory and the monkey's actually just misunderstood. Yeah, they finally got sick of. They're like, all right, I think we've just bled this bit dry. So we're going to have an ending here. You know, that's sometimes the magic of family guy is they do a bit to the point where you're screaming at your TV. And then eventually, like, Stockholm syndrome, you're like, okay, this is funny again. Because, yeah, exactly. The odometer trips over and it starts again.

I get family guy shamed in my household. I don't appreciate it. What do you mean? Divorce. My wife will watch every single trashy dating show possible, but somehow family guy is just beneath her, and I'm stupid for watching it. Yeah, my wife doesn't like family guy or South Park. She doesn't get it. What?

Can you imagine the truck driver with that trailer full of monkeys driving down the interstate in Mississippi? He was probably on the CB talking to other truckers. You hear what happened to that unlucky some bitch in Indianapolis with Mark Sanchez? Right? They're chatting back and forth on the CB. And then the trucker thinks to himself, what the hell smells like chloroform?

And then a monkey puts a rag over his face and he overturns the train. And then the trucker. And then the disease monkeys are running wild. He's thinking, this can't be happening. I just wanted to get to the hotel eight, get a prostitute, a case of beer, motel eight, whatever they call it. Yeah, he's probably saying like you were saying the CB, oh, that thing that happened to that truck driver to Mark Sanchez. That's the worst thing to happen in the history of truck driver. Yeah, and then he's like, who the hell put a bottle of chloroform in the...

Ha ha! The thought of him crawling out of the truck overturned. Yeah. What the hell just... happened. Monkey just put some a chloroform rag over my mouth and I overturned the bitch. Here's more. Here's another one in Texas, a pet monkey.

A pet monkey. Tired of being captive, I would imagine. Cut loose from its human owner and the monkey went mental inside one of those spirit Halloween shops. My daughter looked up. She said, what in the world? And she's like, is that a real monkey? And so I look up and I said, well, it's got a diaper on. So I guess it is real. It was entertaining. I mean, it was like, huh? A lot of people just stood in Washington for like 30 minutes, like the whole time. They're just

monkey. And had kids trying to catch it. It had jumped down on the floor and ran past my leg. And at that point, I was like, okay, I've had enough. Those are folks who were witnesses to this seen at the Spirit Halloween shop in Texas. For more than a half hour, this monkey was swinging from the rafters, screaming out threats, dropping turds, like atomic bombs from the ceiling of this Halloween shop. That was Arlene, the lady that was speaking there. Arlene talked to the local television news about what she saw.

And you heard her say it, Josh. The monkey was wearing a diaper. And that's what made her realize it's a real monkey. Yeah, I guess I saw a picture of the monkey. He is pretty darn cute. That must have been awesome. Yeah, exactly.

Spirit Halloween's are chaotic as it is and you throw a monkey in there too. That must have been so much fun. Yeah, that's a good day. I miss the parrot at our local car wash. Oh, yeah, that one, yeah, another one you're talking about. Did every neighborhood carwash

have a parrot for there about 20, 25 years? No. Was it a paradise? That's the one by us. I have no idea. I don't know if that was just kind of their deal. I just know they had a parrot there and it always looked miserable.

It looked absolutely miserable. Oh, this one looked happy. Oh, the one that I saw, it looked at me, and it said, end my life, please. It F-bombed me every time I was in there. Did it cuss? Yeah, constantly. Cool. Did it talk?

Well, I mean, nobody else could hear it, but I could. People thought it was a little weird for some reason. Yeah, I could hear what it was thinking. That's terrible things about me, and you wouldn't believe the jokes it had about my mom. Oh, Christ. Awful. That's where it all started. So this monkey went.

Wild inside the Halloween shop. Eventually the monkey's owner offered it a cookie. And the monkey calmed down and it was recaptured. A cookie would calm you down. I've seen you around cookies. Yeah. It would. Your mood changes.

I'm much more primate maybe than man. The monkey wasn't injured at all. And supposedly everything went back to normal at the Halloween shop. But take this as another sign of things to come. if that Halloween shop monkey wouldn't have been starving for a cookie I think things could have turned out much much worse

at the least I think if there was no cookie Josh at the least I think someone in that store would have ended up being suffocated by a dirty monkey diaper just like that chloroform rag on the truck driver

this one's going to throw you too I think try this one out at in Orlando is how I should have said that. In Orlando. At SeaWorld. They're calling it SeaWorld. Anyone been there?

No. Nope. I was at Disney World, but not Seaworld. Didn't have time. Over there at SeaWorld, the gal riding on one of those roller coasters, she got knocked unconscious by a duck. That was a flying through the park. And now the gal is...

Revenge. Now she's suing SeaWorld. She wants 50 grand. So there she was a few months ago. She's ripping up and down on that damn roller coaster, going faster than piss. At the exact same time, a damn duck flies through. The duck hit the lady square in the mug, and it knocked her out cold. She took that corkscrew duck rod right to the jaw.

Why is that corkscrew? That's gross. For her pleasure, I think, is the joke. Anyway, and it put her to sleep. This duck hit her in the face so hard. It knocked her right on out. This gal in her lawsuit, they say that SeaWorld, I mean, C-World, should have warned her about the dangerous condition of the park

before she got on the roller coaster. She says they placed her in harm's way. Oh, my gosh, you're outside. It is kind of crazy that you can sue for anything, nowadays. I hate this lady. Here's a quote from her sleazy ambulance chasing lawyer. SeaWorld created a zone of danger for bird strikes due to placing the roller coaster over or near a body of water, which creates a higher risk of bird strikes involving ducks,

gulls, geese, and other water, foul. Oh, shut up. She wants a beware of duck sign on the roller coaster as you want through. Yeah, you suck. How dumb do you have to be to not think about? My gosh. The lawsuit also claimed, Ashley, please. The lawyers and such are talking.

The lawsuit also claimed that the roller coaster disoriented the birds and increased the risk of bird-human high-speed collisions. The roller coaster with it whipping by and spinning around, it would disorient the birds and they'd go, I don't even know where I'm flying anymore. And it increased the risk of these bird human collisions. You didn't know that? They should be the ones that are suing.

The ducks and the birds and the waterfowls. Good point. Where somebody should on behalf of the birds. Absolutely. The most upsetting part of the story is that I have no information on what happened to the duck. Was he killed in the collision? Is he paralyzed from the beak down?

And he's been placed in an adorable little wheelchchew? We just don't know. You ever seen a duck in a wheelchair? No, but I want to. Probably on Looney Tunes or something, I'd imagine. You will get rid of all of your current pets, and all you will want is a duck in a wheelchair the minute you see a duck in a wheelchair.

This person's right. They should have had an anti-duck air defense. That's true. And a lot of people are bringing up a good point. She should have ducked. Oh. But why is the penis corkscrewed? It's for her pleasure.

Just stick with the easy joke sometimes, Josh. For her pleasure. Well, now I'm picturing that they have a cork down there. The lady's doing they just got to uncork it and go for it. It's similar. Cork their brains out at that. I need a duck in a wheelchair. Are you looking at a duck in a wheelchair?

Yes. Are you already thinking about turning your dogs into the pound? Yes. You're only human. Look at this little guy. Is he just chugging along, isn't he? Yeah, he's got big fat tires on his wheelchair too because he's got an off-road. Yeah.

Josh, I'm sorry. What was it again? That was very funny. They needed a duck air defense. Yeah, anti-duck air defense. Just some teenage kids with BB guns. That's probably all you really need. Remember all the controversy around U.S. Bank Stadium taking out all those birds? Yes.

Oh, yeah, that was a lot. Yes, I do. That was fun. The birds were slamming themselves into the side of the new ballpark, and it was a terrible tragedy. Simon says Didn't Fabio take a goose to the face on a roller coaster? Yeah, that was Fabio, wasn't it? Fabio took it.

How the hell did you come up with that? That was a big story. Yeah, that's the first thing I thought of too. Fabio, the old supermodel guy? Yeah, he messed his face up pretty good. He was on a roller coaster and he got hit in the face by a goose. How do it burn? That's large.

She's Louise. Not munging or shrimping Jesus makes a really good point. He said, oh, I'm confused. place called SeaWorld is close to water? What is this world coming to? Yeah. What do you expect? You're not safe.

No matter what you're doing, you're not safe even on a roller coaster at SeaWorld. I saw Final Destination 3 last night a little bit of it. I know what happens on those roller coasters. Is that any good? It's the best one. No, it's terrible. But it's a Final Destination movie and you're aware of that when you go into it. I just saw the opening scene.

When I watched the Final Destination movie series, I just watched the Open. opening scene for the halacious crash, and then I move on with my life. There's no reason to continue. How's the latest one? I liked it. Yeah, Ashley liked it. I saw the preview were that at the barbecue? Yes.

That was even stressful. That's the funniest part. They get you on that one. Like, oh, no, that's not what it is. And then they keep going. Oh, back to ducks real quick. Teacher Sheez has texted in to say that duck sex is not pretty. We had that conversation on the air a while back.

Yeah, we know. I know firsthand that duck sex. Oh my gosh, yeah. Yeah. On my property a year or two ago, my wife had to break up a duck rape. And that's exactly what it was. It was horrible. Horrible.

This is one of my favorite stories. It was just, we were sitting in the house and all of a sudden, slam, slam, slam! Like something crashed into the sliding glass door. And we look out the window, and there was a two-on-one duck rape happening on my property. We had to run outside and I had to kick these mallards in the ass and say, get out of here. My wife's out there with a hockey stick or something. It was horrible. And I waited until I knew that I had forced the men, male ducks, to fly away.

And I counseled the female for a while. And I said, it's okay. You can go where you want to go. It was terrible. She's not lying. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life. It was terrible. Ducks are cute little bastards, but I'll tell you what,

When they're looking to get it on. I had no idea. That is awful. Not when they're looking to get it on. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early.

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