93X Half-Assed Morning Show - ("Best Of"): Free Beer (Tomorrow)

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

The Best of the Half-Assed Morning Show.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Thanks, everybody, for tuning us in. How you doing there, Josh? All good. How about yourself? Pretty good. Do you also find this situation to be on? Unbelievable. I do find it to be unbelievable. I'm sorry. I've got a friend who pronounces it that way, and I can't get over it.

I hate it when things are underwhelming, so I'm glad it's unbelievable. Oh, here we go. Yeah, with the Thursday issue of the show. There you are, Josh. You're at home, and you're doing what you love to do most at home. You're enjoying some television programming. Let's say you take a break from the Ozzy Osbourne documentary. Would this hold your attention? Watching a live stream of a tavern, a bar, a roadhouse. So you click on your mouse or however a live stream works, I don't know.

And suddenly you're watching the goings-on at your local neighborhood bar. Yes, absolutely. And I've done it before. You have? Yeah, I've done that for bands. Sometimes they'll stream a band. And I know it's kind of a thing. Worldwide, they have this going on where you can,

and you have to pay for it certain times. But otherwise they'll have, hey, this is just what's going on at our bar. Yeah, it's kind of fun. You can live vicariously through people. Sometimes overhear conversations. During the pandemic, I would stream church services on Sunday. You know, they'd have those going for a bit. When I first read about this, this is the new trend for bars,

according to what I'm reading. The new trend is you live stream whatever the hell is happening at your bar and let some bitches watch from home. When I first read about it, I thought, well, that sounds very 2020. That sounds very COVID-y to me. Although it would be awful empty in that bar in 2020.

Oh, right. What the hell am I thinking? Yeah, okay. Just some mice running around? I suppose there was nothing to watch. Yeah, good point. A bar in Fort Lauderdale, a bar called the Elbow room in a place called Fort Lauderdale. They're live streaming. What's notardale?

Where is that? Like what part of the country is Fort Lauderdale? Oh, well, this isn't a stupid news report, so I can say it. Florida. Yeah, okay, good. They live stream, whatever the hell is going on at their joint, 24-7. 24-7. What the hell is anyone looking at between, you know, 2 and 7 a.m.?

Anyway. The cleaning crew? Yeah. They live stream what's going on at their bar all day long. They got multiple cameras set up. They've got a beach cam. They've got a patio cam. They've got a ladies room cam.

They've got a band cam. So you can see whatever terrible cover band might have signed up. I've got a sun cam. Would you guys like work? at a place that's 24-7 streaming? You imagine like, you're not going to be... I'm not listening right now. I'm not listening to your question because you dump such a terrible frigging joke on us.

That was a decent joke. I loved it. It was okay. I mean, I wasn't brilliant. You did not pronounce his name correctly either. Cam! Right. Now I under...

They've got a bar cam. What were you saying? What was the question? Would you... I don't know if I'd like that 24-7 camera. I mean, certainly those people, like you mentioned the cleaning crew, Ashley, this is what made me think about it. Or somebody did, I'm sorry. They're not going to be able to cut any corners, are they?

You mean if you were a customer, you would not like that? No, if I was an employee. An employee. That's a good point. You know, every once in a while, I'd like to skim a little cash out of the register. Yeah. Every once in a while, maybe I want to duck behind the kegs and smoke a joint. Every once in a while, I want to pick my nose.

Was everyone, you know, we had an issue for a little bit where one of the dogs, just for whatever reason, you decided, I'm just going to poop in the basement whenever I want. It didn't matter how long you took them out, how many times. So I put a camera down there. I needed to know which one. I had a suspect, but again, innocent until proving guilty. Yeah, you're watching, like, kind of, did it ever dawn on you that you're watching what might be considered, like, sick, doggy fetish porn? I'll tell you what, I just waited until I saw the dog get into. the position and then I wouldn't watch any further.

That's the truth. I'm like, I don't need to see what's going on there. Set up a camera to investigate which dog was deusin in the basement. Yeah, so we could correct the behavior. Smart move on your part. At any point, did you suspect your son? No, but it was my wife. And so that's what was crazy as I never suspected it.

Oh, my God. It was weird. She's just down there. She put on a dog outfit even. And I thought it was one of the dogs for so long. I told Josh a couple days ago, and you were very understanding. Do you recall this, Josh? We were working after the show was over,

something that Dana and Ashley aren't familiar with. But Josh and I were working after the show, and I had to go to the men's room. And I came back and I said to Josh, I said, Jesus, I'm so embarrassed. And he said, what happened? I said, well, I went into the men's room. I took down my pants and my underwear and I made a deuce,

but I said, for Christ's sake, I forgot to get on the toilet first. I got to admit something. I lied. I tried to make him feel better by saying, Oh, that happens all the time. But it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. Anyway, this bar in Fort Lauderdale 24-7, they offer up this live stream.

Yeah, good point about if you're an employee, for Christ's sake, you're not going to be able to get away with anything. Well, I brought up the camera because it inadvertently would catch my son and his friend, because our basement basically doesn't matter how many times we've repaired it, it gets destroyed from him and his friends running around down there. Why are they so disrespectful? They're just morons more than anything. And this is, you mentioned a son earlier. This is Cam.

No, a different son. Oh, a different son. My God's son? Yeah, I forget the kid's name. He's the one that still lives at home. So did the little six, seventh, eighth grade kids know they were being watched by a secret? Oh, yeah, they know. Oh, they know.

But they, I mean, it's completely obvious at sitting there. And he knew why it was down there. But so I would be able to catch him going, hey, did you notice that the dog took a dump downstairs? Like, no, I didn't. notice whatsoever. So he would just be lazy and not pick it up. And I'm like, well, you know, I got that camera down there. Or when he was supposed to do certain things, I could catch him. So he is my employee cutting corners and I've been able to catch him on that thing. I was going to get rid of it now that the dog doesn't do it anymore, but I'm leaving it down there just so I can

catch him not doing what he's supposed to. Typical. And he's too dumb to figure it out. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't notice that giant steaming. As he's stepping over it. Yeah, the horrible smell. No, I didn't notice anything. putting a traffic cone on it so no one stepped out of than removing it. Kids love that bit to ignore. And he's such a bad liar. It was easy. So, you know who else probably isn't crazy about a 24-7 live stream of this neighborhood bar?

And that would be some of the drinkers. Yeah, I would not like that. Or the cheaters. Yeah. Don't take your side piece to this frigging bar. Everybody's watching at home. Yeah, I mean. what were you saying Ashley?

I wouldn't like that. Like when I was going to the bar way too much, like seven days a week kind of vibe. I would not like if someone was sitting at home like here she comes again. Oh, she's my favorite character on the show. Does she have nowhere else to go?

Someone's calling Alcoholics Anonymous or whatever and turning you in. Jiu Jitsu Jesus said that he has been to the elbow room. The elbow room. And Fort Lauderdale. It's called Florida. Florida, okay.

Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I can do it. It's starting to bother me a little bit, but I can say it. He's been there, and he said it's nothing but boobs and booties. Oh, so it might have kind of a dirty vibe. Yeah, maybe that's why they threw those in there. Oh, well, that makes sense. If this is not your average roadhouse and it's got a TNA vibe, well, that would make perfect sense.

I was looking up whether or not some bars do it here, and there are some, and it's for bands, like I mentioned. And also there was some billiard tournaments. Oh, yeah. I think in Coon Rapids, Ashley. Yep. My husband watches those all the time. That is like what his favorite thing to do with his free time. And it'll be like complete strangers.

Usually it's... Wait a minute. Now, I have an interest in this. So he watches just average schmows play pocket billiards? Yeah. Local bars, too? Or is it just kind of wherever? He always watches CRs.

They have a live stream. Okay, yeah, I didn't know if I'd be able to say it or not. But that's the exact one I was talking about. There's a bar called C.Rs? It's a pool hall. But, you know, pool hall, bar, restaurant situation. Well, that sounds fun. I mean, really honestly, because I'm also a fan of pocket billiards.

So he just watches regular dicks playing pool. Yeah, there's one specific table that always has a live stream going. So he'll pull it up. And I'm like, oh, who are you watching? Because sometimes we have buddies that play in tournaments over there, and they live stream those. And I'm like, oh, who's that? I don't know. This dude and this dude.

Well, that sounds fun. Now that we're having this conversation, I think the old alleries in St. Paul used to stream a little bit of their daily activities because it was T&A. Yeah, things had to change. Right, right. I know what you're talking about. I was very popular at that bar for a while.

Very popular. Now, doesn't the Bunny Ranch, the famous brothel in Nevada, don't they have a, like, they stream the lobby? I don't know. TV show. And I don't think I'm confusing the two. I thought they had a live stream as well. You may be right. So, I mean, this isn't anything wildly new, I guess, but the trend is gaining steam to live stream your bar all day, every day. How many years now, Nick, have they talked about putting cameras in here? 20? Yeah, I don't even know.

Back when our first boss was our boss the first time, they talked about throwing a live stream in Oh, you mean not security cameras? Yeah, just like, just during the show, which would be incredibly boring. I don't know if people would want to watch that. People love that kind of stuff. They do? Yeah, they really do. I wouldn't watch us.

I think. Yeah, I know what you're talking about now. So there'd be cameras pointed out our faces all day long. Yeah, there'd be like a couple of static cameras. Oh, I think it would. Of course, nothing ever gets done around here. We things sit on the back burner for decades. oh and I mean decades,

I think it would be kind of fun and interesting to see our facial expressions and things like that. I think if we have any money, we should, and we don't have any money, so it's not even worth bringing up. We can't even get the mics to work. You know what?

It would be, we'd have to throw the date on the screen like in a lower third. Otherwise, people would like, oh, this must be an episode from a couple days ago. I see Josh is wearing that same sweatshirt. There's no way. that he wore that five days in a row. Yeah, you wouldn't like that bit if we had camera.

I don't like being on camera. I mean, I wouldn't turn it. If that's what they wanted to do if people in interest, that's cool. But yeah, at the same time, being on camera is not my favorite. So, would you guys change like your appearance at all? Meaning, would you dress a little better

or not wear the same thing? No, no, not at all. I've worked at a station that had cameras on us all the time, and I still wear the same clothes every single day. I probably wouldn't wear sweatpants. Well, nobody can see your legs. Well, we'd have an Ashley leg cam Brought to you by Haynes.

By popular request. Everyone else could watch you pump. Oh, yeah, that's true. Maybe you could get some sort of endorsement with, I don't know, what's a breast pump company? Mom cozy. Yeah, Mom cozy. Ramtucky Sheez just did something similar to what I mentioned where they had a cat

peeing in the tub. They didn't know which cat, so they put a camera in there to see which one. There's three of them. Turns out it wasn't. a good look when they forgot that there's a camera pointing at the shower when they have people over. Feel free. Jump on in.

Yeah. Some customers, I would imagine at the elbow room in Fort Lauderdale, some customers probably aren't wild about the idea of cameras pointed at them every time they walk into the joint.

I mean, my favorite neighborhood bar, I don't know how many years ago this was, now at the YZE American Legion, they put in windows. For many years, there was not a single window in the bar. You couldn't tell if it was July, December, nothing. There was no windows. And when they decided to finally put some windows in, some of the older drinkers, now these guys are dead by now, but some of the older drinkers in there,

they were pissed off because they didn't want anyone to be able to look in and see them in there, their boss, their wife, especially. I think it would be depressing in there without windows. Yeah. Oh, I loved it. Everybody smoked. You could barely breathe. It was awesome.

It was the most perfect joint on earth. But yeah, the older guys were like, I don't want my wife to be able to look in here. You know, they were pissed. They got over it, and then they died. I like how shotgun Messiah Jesus, yeah, phrase this. Imagine how many people are going to get cold played with that live bar looking. Yeah, absolutely.

What does that mean? You know, the infamous cold play video, the kiss cam. Oh, oh, the guy hanging on the side piece. Yeah. I think it would be fun if you knew your buddies were there to watch them and see them just get shot down left and right by chicks everywhere. Yeah, and you can, this is a free service to live stream this bar, but if you want sound, you've got to pay three bucks a year or something.

And I wonder the quality of the sound. I would love to be able to eavesdrop on every conversation. And like Dana said, your buddy's in there hitting on a gal. I want to hear the lies that he tells. I would doubt that the audio is terrible. It could be very good. Oh, yeah? Like, I have an old doorbell camera, and the audio on that, I can pick up neighbors across

the street talking. It's crazy how good that microphone is. So there you go. I mean, we all should probably keep in mind everywhere we go, everywhere. Keep in mind you're probably being watched. Oh, yeah, I'll tell my kids that all the time. Right. And that's good to know.

I've, even at my age, every once in a while, I dial back my behavior and think, okay, wait, what if there's a video camera? I sometimes think about that with, like, my smart speaker, because it'll record questions you ask, right? So you say, hey, smart lady, and whatever question you have, you can record those. You can go back and listen to them. So I used to just to double check nothing inappropriate was going on. And sometimes, you know, the questions would be pretty funny. You know, a lot of, make a fart noise, make a fart noise over and over and over again. But I think about that too, like there's been people who have been caught in crimes,

talk, discussing things in their smart speaker or smart television. Smart speaker and smart television. Oh, people are saying they're sporting events like youth sports you can stream. I know they videotape everyone now, it seems. Boy, I watched, oh, I brought this up. I watched an Egan football game, a live stream. And those announcers, I don't know if they listen to the show or anybody that knows them, do an awesome job.

I mean, it's really, really good. Oh, yeah? And they're calling a random house league eighth grade football? No, this was the Egan High School football team. Oh, oh, oh. I mean, they had graphics on the screen. Both guys were really engaging. I mean, I expected it just to be a static camera somewhere pointed at the field,

and we were watching just to see what time we had to leave to go pick up. kid. And it was awesome. Like Clay Matt Vick's old interns and whatnot. Honestly, these guys were really good. I could see watching that every week. That's awesome. All right, there you go. You know, off air before we crack the mics because of this article about a bar that live streams

everything, Ashley and I had just begun a conversation about drinking. And then we had to go live. So now we can bring it to the air and bring it to our listeners. I was going to ask Ashley a question because amongst the four of us, you and I were quite easily the ones who came closest to treatment. Yeah, definitely. I was going to ask Ashley this question as a fellow somewhat recovered, hard, irresponsible drinker. Did you ever get so drunk that your appearance shocked someone?

I don't know if it's shocked somebody else, but it has definitely shocked me. You've looked in the mirror and said, oh, my damn. Oh, yeah, like open your eyes. You see photos the next day pop up on social media. You're like, oh, God dang it. I thought of, this is why I wanted to ask you the question. One night, one day, went out, you know, whatever, 10 o'clock in the morning, and you get into the drink and you keep going and going and going.

going. On this particular night, so day, I started at about 10 o'clock in the morning. I think I got home around 1 a.m. And my girlfriend at the time, when I entered the bedroom, she said, oh, my God, at the sight of me, because I was just so disgusting looking and my face was like falling off of my skull. So I wanted to ask you, did you ever shock a loved one with your appearance? Okay, sorry, I ran a little late here. Let's go ahead and bust out that 5K a day keyword. It's all part of your shot at winning $1,000. That was my knuckles.

Yeah, you got every single one of them there. That was higher pitched. I wonder if the microphone changed that. It's your shot at winning 1,000. The number is 95819. You text the number 95819, followed by the keyword, which is prize, P-R-I-Z-E. 958-1-9.

But then out of ideas. Prize. Are we running out of words? I guess we're running out of words. You can win a prize. We'll text you back. I guess that's where they're going with that, isn't it? We'll text you back to confirm.

You should know that data and messaging rates may apply. Don't be a total loser with the texting and the driving. Good luck, gibronies. It's a 5K a day. Oh, man, there you go, Cubby. I'm trying to remember the last time I've been drunk. I was real close when we went on a family trip to Boston earlier this year. Close to drunk.

Yeah, I was as close as you can get. I wasn't drunk. The next day, do you suffer from something close to an overhang? Yeah, just almost. Yeah, that's how I knew I wasn't drunk. Well, that's not the only indication, but I was confident I wasn't drunk because it didn't mess me up the next day. I can't remember either, Josh. Obviously, it was before you were pregnant.

Oh, yeah. When you, because you guys tried. Yes. When you were trying, did you stop drinking? I slowed down a lot. I definitely wasn't getting drunk. So you waited until you knew that's when you decided, okay, I'm quitting it. Yep.

And I found out really early, like four weeks and a day. It's kind of funny. I got a text message from a listener who said, man you guys are hilarious how Jurassic this program can be at times oh no what did we do five 10 minutes ago we were discussing the possibility of cameras in studio the guys like everybody friggin doesn't what's the matter what you know I know people were saying like kdwb does it I just more meant like we've been they've been talking about it here for so long yeah it'll never happen they're just busted our balls we're poor we're just alone yeah we're

we're broke they're just that's all it really is and I know like now with technot, we could probably spend like 300 bucks and get a decent enough situation. I have a lot of the equipment that would work for, the camera switching and everything. Yeah, you're right. We don't even have that. Who does it? Oh, like KDWB does it. Nobody cares about KDWB. That's not true. Back to bars real quick. Then I suppose we got to take a break. The bar life, that's the best. I still love just a vibe of walking on into your favorite. neighborhood bar. You know what ruins it usually? When one of my buddies says something. Just open their mouth? All they got to do is just open their friggin' stupid mouth. Then I want to go

right back home. I don't know why they got to ruin it every time. Just don't say anything. You were telling, I hope you don't mind me bringing this up, I don't think you will. But you were telling me there's a particular guy at the bar who you can't tell a story because he has to get a joke in every four words you say. You did a good impersonation because I know exactly what you're talking about. I think everybody probably has that guy in their friend group or girl, I guess. I've never met a girl that's like that, but certainly guys. You cannot, as Eddie Murphy said when imitating Bill Cosby all those years ago,

you cannot get through a story. You can't get through one story sometimes at my favorite neighborhood bar, because every four words, Josh, just tell us. a random story. I'll imitate what I'm talking about. Just tell any story and I'll... I saw an article the other day about there's a haunted house school. How do you saw an article? Like there's an article and you take a saw

and you cut it and have... Is that how you saw an article? That was about this... Right, you guys? Did you hear that one? It's about a haunted house school where they teach you how to scare people and they say the goal is to make people. I'll give you a mirror if you want to scare people. You'll scare yourself. That's what'll happen.

If you want to scare people, what were you saying now? Can you imagine? Oh, my God. I know exactly. Sometimes it's like, you know, this isn't supposed to be a funny story. I was trying to share something with you guys. I mean, can we just get through five minutes of conversation? Just five, three, give me one minute.

Give me one minute. I just want to pick up the entire bar table and just break it over his head. It's exhausting. Give some of the boys a chance to talk. That's insufferable. What other stories do you have to tell? I don't even want to say anything. All right.

We'll take a little break, Ski. It's just your average F'n Thursday. That's all it is. I mean, and we're going to try to push our way through like any other regular schmuck. Thanks for listening to the program. The 93X half-assed morning show. You know that jerk across the street who's always got it in for me? Every year that guy waits to see what decorations I put out and then finds a way to top me.

I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing, and I look like a jackass! I'm starting off the day, Covey, feeling like a stupid idiot. Last night, for only the second time in my life, I walked out on my bar tab. And I'm gonna, I feel like a damn jackass over it. Walked out on my bar tap. I mean, it was only a few Steve Wiser's, but I just don't like the idea of making the bar.

bartender's job any harder than it already is. So I'm going to catch hell tonight when I walk into the joint. How'd that happen? I just walked out. You forgot? Yeah, just forgot. That's what I'm, yeah. I mean, how do you pay there? How do you pay? Is it like, you know, where they bring out the little computer deal? No, no, no, no, you know, hand him a card. You know, I went to the bar, ordered a couple of beers, went back later, ordered a couple more beers. There was a special event last night in the dining room, a celebration of life. Um, so I, um, so I, I was kind of pinballing between the dining room and the bar. And it wasn't until I woke up this morning that I realized I walked out on my bar tab.

Only the second time in my life. That's like the best possible scenario, though, for walking out on your bar tab. They already have your card information. So you didn't make their life any harder. Oh, okay. I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm sure they would have been good, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And most places have a thing to say, if you forget to close your tab, we add on a 20% tip and you just go pick up your car the next day. I didn't know any of these things. I don't know. Sure. This is my regular bar, the Wise Ed American Legion. I know every swinging D in the joint.

I doubt I'm going to be 86th for this. I will get my balls busted a little bit. More than anything, I guess the reason I bring it up is I am just becoming so forgetful and more and more every day. And I wasn't in good shape to start, if you know what I'm saying. I've always been forgetful. So for it to only be getting worse is concerning. I've been feeling the same way. I think a lot of it has to do with, well, A, I'm getting older.

I'm now 40. But B, there's just so much information to process every single day. It's just nonstop with news and checking in on things and reading stories and trying to keep track of everything gets exhausting for me. And my wife bust my balls about it because I'll have to ask her like three times. Like, what are we, what's going on tonight again? I can't remember. I'm not trying to freak you out, but you just said that. You just got done saying that.

You said it twice in a row. What's the most important or significant thing you've ever forgotten about? A kid. A child. Yeah. My wife is more guilty of that than I am. Where did you tell us about the moment? So for me, it wasn't as bad.

My wife left her at a, like my wife left the building she was at. And it's a little more understatement. She worked there and there was a daycare at her work. Oh. And she just left, you know, forgot that the kid was there. Made it all the way home? My wife still wakes up in the middle of the night and cries about that. And this happened 20 years ago.

So the child was completely safe in the daycare room of your wife's workplace. She got all the way home before she realized the child. No, she was maybe halfway home and realized it. So the kid, she never knew. And it was so we forgot the same one. And she always jokes it's because she's, my daughter, because she's the middle child, right? She just thinks she doesn't exist in the family for that reason.

There was another time, so we were at Target, and we both had to go to the bathroom, so I told her she's maybe five. Like, all right, as soon as you're done, if I'm not done for whatever reason, wait right here. All right, when you get out, just wait right next to the bathroom.

And so I got done, I beat her, and I completely forgot she was in the bathroom. I walked over to my family, and I was like, hey, where's the kid? It's like, you were supposed to watch her. So I went back into her credit. She was just standing there going, what the heck is taking this guy so long?

In the men's room. No, she was standing outside the men's room. Yeah. 651-989-93-93, if you want to tell us the most significant or important thing you've ever forgotten about. I used to forget to pay my bills quite often. For many years, I'd forget to renew the tabs on my motor vehicle.

I'd forget to pay my car insurance, boat insurance. If there's an important task in life, I have smooth forgotten about it. Yeah, same here, especially lately, but that's not my fault. You've got other things on your mind. Yeah, well, my brain is literally like when you're pregnant, it changes. I know there's a bunch of science words to go with it, but pregnancy brain is a real thing. So something changes, and yeah, I forget everything all the time.

The one thing I'm really guilty of lately is forgetting to close the freezer. Close the freezer. To the point where my husband has put a sticky note on the fridge. And so it's one of those drawer freezers. So then when you pull the drawer out, there's another sticky note on that part that says, hey, don't forget the freezer. And then there's one even in the ice tray because I usually grab ice in the morning that says, seriously, don't forget to close the freezer. You're letting all the cold air out. And I've already, you know, I forgot last night.

And again, I know a $25 bar tab or whatever isn't the end of the world, but it bothers me because it shows that I'm only getting worse in this department. I once forgot to go to work. You guys ever forget to go to work? No. I've gone to work by accident or started to drive there just not paying attention or whatever. Oh, yeah. On a Saturday morning or something.

Yep. I'm going the wrong way. What am I doing? And this would have been a lot of fun of me. sure. Well, at least I pictured that it would have been fun. It was here at the radio station. It was a good 20 years ago or so because, as Josh's uncle would say, Marion Gorbiak, star goal scorer for the Minnesota Wilde was involved. He was the top goal scorer in town, Marion Gorbiac. And the sales department approached me and said, hey, you know, this Saturday afternoon,

would you like to make an appearance alongside Marion? Agarik, of course, is. the real pronunciation, but Josh's uncle like to make up different pronounced. Would you like to make an appearance with Marion Gabbarick this weekend at a bar or something like that? And, you know, he will be signing autographs and you'll be giving away tickets to the limp biscuit concert or whatever. And I said, well, yeah, that sounds kind of cool, you know. He's the hot shot in town. And at the time, I was pretty crazy about the man bear pigs.

said, sure. All right, fine. Two o'clock this Saturday at Big Dave's Beer Hall in Lino Lakes or whatever. Sure. That Saturday afternoon, I'm mowing the lawn and my cell phone beeps and I pick it up and the sales staff representative said, well, where the hell are you? I said, I'm mowing the yard. What do you need? Well, you're supposed to be here with the Mary and Gabbarick. and then this totally forgot. Oh, no. It was already, you know, 40 minutes or so into the two-hour appearance, and I said, do you need me to drive all the way to line? And they said, no, just forget it.

And they hung up on me. They were pretty upset with me. I was upset with myself. Just forgot all about it. And it was two or three days only between when they told me to be there and when the event actually happened. H-back delivery, Jesus, went on a school trip to Washington, D.C., stood in the school parking lot for an over an hour when they got back.

A friend's dad saw him standing there and came and brought him home. He said his parents' faces when he finally got home, priceless. They forgot to pick him up. Son was coming back from Washington, D.C. Jesus. You're not joking, though, Ashley. I mentioned it before. That pregnancy brain, my wife warned me about it.

And that is a real thing. She, her mind was completely different during that time. Yeah, it's getting pretty bad. And they say it takes up to two years to, like, psychologically get back to where you were before pregnancy. Huh? Like, that's cool. That's cool. Okay, well, then explain this to me.

My aunt has 14 children. Oh, she's just screwed forever. So she's had pregnancy brain. And their ages range between at this point, I don't know, was 66 years old and 35 years old or so. So she's had pregnancy brain her entire life? Oh my gosh, yeah, that's awful. She probably doesn't know any different by now, though. Even if she forgot she had that many kids, that's a ton of kids right there.

Even if I had no effects of pregnancy brain, if I was a woman's, I think I would claim it anyway because you can get off the hook for a lot of responsibilities. I can't do that. I've got pregnancy brain. It does kind of help, yeah, definitely. If you remember my forgetfulness almost killed a house pet 15 or 20 years ago. Girlfriend's cat? Yeah.

Well, not my wife now. If you haven't heard the story, you know, my wife and I have known each other very well for 35 years. We just got married two years ago, but we've known each other for 35 years in different capacities. And, oh, it's got to be 15, 20 years ago. She used to travel a lot for work, and she called me, being one of her best friends, she called me and said, hey, look, I'm going to San Diego for four days. you stop by my townhouse every day and feed my cat. And I said, well, yeah, I like that cat.

Big Nuts was his name. Were that the real name? Yeah, Big Nuts. Cute. I'm kidding. I know. She said, please, you'd be doing me a big favor. I said, of course, I like your cat.

Well, on the fourth day, on the day that my now wife, then friend, was returning home from San Diego. I'll never forget it. I'm driving down Highway 55. and Medina, and I said to myself, oh my God. I had completely forgotten, completely

to stop by at all. And she's coming home that evening. I raced straight to her townhouse, and I remember saying out loud to myself, please, Big Nuts, or whatever the cat's name was, please don't be dead.

I'll never, ever be forgiven for this. Luckily, Big Nuts was alive, but when I opened up that door after he had been alone without any water or food for three and a half days. I mean, soon as I turned that key, I heard that cat go, meo! Oh, God, meo! He was so frigging hungry. When I'm pouring the food into the bowl, he's climbing up my leg.

He just, he was, he couldn't believe. I was like a hero in his eyes, even though really I was the villain. Yeah, you never told him, did you? Did you blame it on my? I never, I never said dick to that. As far as he knows, it was mom. As far as he knows, he was abandoned by his mother. Exactly.

Ashley, has anybody weaponized your forgetfulness? What do you mean? Meaning like they never told you something, but then when you say, well, you never told me, and they say, well, you know, you've just been so forgetful, I did tell you. Oh, 100%. Yeah, that's my husband's favorite thing to do.

Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, like yesterday, I noticed there was heavy whipping cream that should be refrigerated. It was in the cupboard. I was like, hey. I was like, what'd you do here? Because I'm very lucky. He cleans up.

If I'm cooking, he cleans up after me. So I was like, I know I didn't do that because I don't, I don't clean. And he was like, no, that was definitely you. Come on. I wouldn't do something like that. You're pregnant. It's your brain. Reignancy brain kind of sounds a lot like old folks brain.

It's like, all right. I don't think it was me, but I'll let you have this one. In the years leading up to my dad checking out. He was doing things like pudding. He'd make himself a sandwich, put the salami in the cupboard, and then put the bread in the fridge, and then wonder what that smell is a couple, three days? What's rotting salami that you have in the cupboard, you bastard?

This person got left sleeping under a church pew for hours after a Sunday night service. Their dad was the minister, so he had keys to get back in to go retrieve them. Parents for getting kids. That's a good one. That's a big one. That's a big moment. I've never been forgotten as far as I can remember.

Oh, yeah. We were forgotten a few times. It was, you know, my brother and I at football practice. And football practice ends. And everyone else slowly leaves. And the lights on the field are turned out. Oh, my gosh. And the lights at the adjoining high school are turned out. And we're standing. And now we're sitting with you, you know, you sit on your football helmet. Yeah.

What in that practice? And then you, then. the old man would roll up. Yeah, sorry about that, you know. I'm sure my brothers have been forgotten, but never me. Are you sure it was forgotten? You've told the stories about your brothers. Maybe it was more abandoned. Yeah, he was just leaving

him. I'm not fed. I'm aerodynamic. Jesus used to drive long haul truck. Did it for 25 years. Woke up in Billings, Montana one morning and went east for three hours before he remembered he was headed for Seattle. Son of a bitch. See, now that's a different kind

of forgetfulness. That's that fatigue forgetfulness. Oh, dude. I mean, when you work your, here's a landscaper who texted in, Josh, and said,

one day he woke up and went to work with his slippers on as opposed to his work boots. That's that fatigue forgetfulness. That'll make you look like a damn jackass. Hard work will do that to you. Drove three hours east. He was supposed to be going to Seattle.

Boy, those, what's the line from dumb and dumber? Boy, that John Denver was full of shit, right, about the Rocky Mountains. We've been talking about forgetfulness. I know we have a guest or two coming in this morning, but I've forgotten who they are. Chanel Klein?

Yes. See Willie Miles. Wonderful. And Glenn Perkins, too, at 7.30. Oh, Glenn Perkins? At 7.30. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I don't know.

Where will I be in a few years, Josh, if my forgetfulness continues at this clip? I'm not too worried about it because... You'd be putting a diaper on me. There was a... Maybe you don't remember. But there was a time, shoot, maybe 10 years ago, remember where you thought you were losing it because your memory was so bad. And that was noticeably bad for the rest of us.

And that sense changed. So I bet it's going to bounce back. I don't recall. Was there a signature moment? No, there was just kind of a lot of moments where you would forget things in all aspects of life. It wasn't, you know, just in one particular thing. And you think I've maybe improved since then? Quite considerably.

Oh, well, that's good. Yeah. I'm glad you, I'm glad to hear you say that. I was a little disappointed in myself when I woke up this morning and realized I that could happen to anybody walked out on my stinking bar tab you know I think it was local 34 Jesus brought up a good point

you hang out at a bar where the average age is in their 60s it's happened before yeah yeah you're safe oh yeah oh I certainly know I'm not the only one oh of course yeah it's especially common on college campuses I remember the borrowees to hang out at the U of M you'd go back on Sunday morning to retrieve your debit card, your credit card, whatever, and they would take out this book. Imagine like a book of sports cards back in the day, you know, and they just had 50 to 60 cards slot it in each of

page through. All right, what's your name? Did any of these look familiar? Forgotten IDs? Forgotten IDs and credit cards, too, you know. So you have to go back and retrieve your debit card from the night before, and they just had stacks and binders full of them from people of just... College kids. College kids for getting in the closer tab. Too many yagbombs. Exactly. Oh, I'm so lucky. I've never forgotten my card somewhere because I'm the type of person that is just going to like cancel it and get a new one instead of going back. I'm so lazy. There is kind of a feeling of shame a little bit when you go in the next morning.

You're clearly hung over. Yeah, yeah. I think I left my debit card here last night. That's probably not a terrible idea though, Ashley. In case somebody just said, oh, I'm going to write that one down. Yeah, exactly. I don't trust anybody. Yeah.

Your pregnancy, lazy. That's what you are. you've got a case of pregnancy laziness. Oh, so tired. All the time. I'm just so sleepies. One of our listeners was left by his family at the Apple River. Oh, that's not a good place for a kid to be left.

Oh, no. You're going to see some stuff. Left outside in the elements at the Apple River. What? Wait a minute. Willie Water. A listener we've mentioned once or twice before. Willie Water.

He claimed he spent the night outside. He slept outside overnight in Wisconsin. Oh my gosh. Did they ever come back? Willie? It's like a life-changing moment right there. Are you serious?

I mean, so they left you overnight? Get back to us, Willie Water. They left you overnight. Could they not find? Neither of your parents realized, yeah. Were you lost? This is a conversation on forget-fewater. not being lost.

So I want to know more about this one. All right. Joe Dirt situation? Oh, that was sad. That was. That was very sad what they did with Joe Deer Tay. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps?

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upside gains. Any type of ownership stake or ownership potential, that's the money. Remember, you can afford anything, just not everything. Afford anything. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. All right, we're back. caught ready to cut loose with the stupid news. First, I wanted to roll through a couple of text messages that have come our way. 651-989-93-93 of the Luther Bloomington Kia text line, we call it. You can reach us damn near any time. We were talking about, oh, Christmas traditions, Christmas trends that might be falling by the wayside in the last few years.

one of them being writing the obnoxious self-serving family Christmas letter and sending it out to everyone you know so you can brag about what a gorgeous life that you and your family lead got a text message from a listener who says my nut job sister would always write a Christmas letter to send out to everybody and each year she would write it in the perspective of one of her pets. I've heard about that. I love that. I love that. I want to be

crazy like that. Come on. I was going to mention that earlier, but I forgot. Yes, some people write in the perspective of their pet, or they'll kind of talk about their pets' life over the past year. Oh gosh, could you imagine what mine would say, like, my dog ate her foot this year. She cost me $3,000 in vet bills.

Here's my Venmo. Merry Christmas, everybody. It's me, Maggie, the Springer Spaniel. I want somebody in my life that does that. I would get such a kick out of that. Let me tell you about what my mommy and daddy have been up to this year. Are you kidding me? You throw that in the garbage. They shut me out of the bedroom

quite a bit. Do you do that? Oh, I don't even want to know. Sorry. Retract that strike from the record. Don't want to know. One out of three has to stay in there. The crippled one has to be there. The only talking pet that I want to hear about

is that cat who talks about his poopies and his peepees. That cat is so good. That has changed my life. That particular ad? Yes, I say that way too much at home. He is the best voiceover artist on the planet, whoever that is. He delivered that perfectly.

It is cold this morning. Cold weather has set in. Josh, one of our listeners, sent in a text and said, This is dig through five inches of car heart to find two inches of pecker weather. That's true. Five inches of car heart, two inches of pecker, he says. Medical device Jesus said he has a friend who maintains his dog's Facebook page, and it's hilarious. Oh, that's very common these days, especially on Instagram.

Oh, is it really? Does he post articles about how he hate squirrels in the mailman like medical device Jesus? He hates squirrels in the mailman? man you guys. That's fun. I told you the story, speaking of the cold weather, the story about the old Alleries. We used to go drink our nuts off at the old aleries in St. Paul and then somehow find our way home safely in the West Metro, which is the best metro. This was a number of years ago when I made the mistake of going to that silly, let's watch

a bunch of Swedes fall down a hill while wearing ice skates of events. Oh, yeah. Oh, what a joke that crap was. So cold. We went to, well, I don't care if it was 80 degrees. That stuff was, it was one of the worst sporting events I've ever. Anyway, but it was cold as balls that night. And we walked from wherever they hosted the Swedes falling down a hill while we're an ice skates event, wherever they hosted that. We walked our way back to Allerys, and it was cold.

And there was more than a few dudes looking to use the pisser once we got into Alleries, right? Line out the door. And when I got myself maybe two, three dudes shy of having a chance to actually use the toilet, there was a guy who was right there pressed up against the urinal. He's wearing about six inches of snow suit, jacket, carhart, right? Yeah. He was digging and digging and digging into the crotch of his snow pants. and he finally had to say it out loud.

Because he was taking so long, and the crowd's like, come on, brother. The dude finally said out loud something along the lines of, gentlemen, I apologize, but I literally cannot find my penis in here. I know it's in here somewhere. I left the house with it. I've had that same conversation with my penis. Like, come on, man, just for a second. Get out here just for a second.

The dude even got kind of bow-legged. He kind of even squatted down. He's like looking down. The sub-bitch is it. I know it's there because I have to urinate. There's got to be something. All right. On to the stupid news.

We're going to fire this pig up by talking about to IRS. The Internal Revenue Service, I believe, is their full God-given name. They almost killed Josh a number of years ago. They almost killed Cubby. He was audited. Little did they know they were going after the most straight-laced peckerhead in town. but they found nothing, but the pressure of it all, the pressure of it all almost killed you dead. And it lasted only two years.

You didn't have a solid bowel movement or erection for weeks? Not at all. And usually I can combine those two things quite easily, but neither one happened. You were emaciated. Oh, yeah. You were pale and thin, the stress, the worry. So I kind of got a kick out of it? Yeah, there was some amusement.

I'll admit. There was some fun in watching you suffer. Just a little bit of fun. But they kind of angered me. The IRS kind of angered me the way they treated you. Well, I will say this. In their defense, I got a letter from like the king of the IRS locally or whatever he is. And he did apologize saying, hey, you know what?

We biffed this one. Really? Sorry about that. You got an apology. I did, yes. Well, then I'm not so mad anymore. Did they slide in like Arvys gift card or anything in the envelope? No, but they charge.

charged me $300 in postage for him sending that to me. Did you forgive them after reading the letter? Yeah, I mean, I knew, like, some of this stuff wasn't their fault. I mean, so I told this before. So basically, my tax lady had told me this was a random audit, right? They'd just pick some schlub, and I happened to be the plebe of the day. And so I get this thing in the mail, right? The plebe.

And there was, I haven't talked about a lot of this, but it was a really bad couple of years. Some pretty terrible stuff happened. When I got this, I actually kind of laughed. I'm like, okay, just keep coming. Why not? Why not bring more on this? And so I get the audit. I call the tax lady.

She kind of tells me, don't worry about it. We'll get this taken care of. You're completely fine. The first guy got fired. He messed up some stuff up or whatever it was, and he was really aggressive. You know, it was the first one, so he was really trying to nail somebody. The first guy who was communicating with you. Yeah.

Well, I never talked to anybody until the king. email. Oh, okay. Or sent me a letter. He ends up getting canned after six months. Somebody else does it. It's going on for a while. Well, she goes on maternity leave.

Oh. So then they got to start again. And eventually I just basically mailed in a white flag. I said, I give up, charge me whatever you want. I can't do this anymore. I'll do the prison time. And in that process, my hard drive failed, which had my information on it, which of course made me look completely guilty.

Sure. Like, oh, is that right? There's a company in town. I call them, I'm like, can you please fix my hard drive? And the guy said, no problem. But if I crack it open, that's $600 right there, and I can't guarantee I'm going to find any info. So with the IRS, they're like it's going to cost you less just to be fined a, what do they call it, a bad record keeping fee. Huh.

So, yeah. That's how it ended. You paid a bad record keeping fee. So if I could just recommend it, don't get audited. Do your best not to get audited. The IRS. And the best way to do that is just don't. Don't pay your taxes.

That's what I've worked from Wesley Snipes. Not for long. He had a good run there for a while. The IRS. Word is they got a new gig they're going to go ahead with. Says here, IRS agents are now being paid to watch porn at work. Well, isn't that just my luck? Here comes this deal, and I am not an IRS agent.

I'm not even close to an IRS agent. And agents are now going to be paid to watch porn at work. Here's what they're doing over there to IRS. Is auditing people's only fans accounts to make sure they're compliant? So some agents will be paid to watch porn. This is all because of something called the new no tax on tips law that Congress apparently passed this summer. There's something in there that says you still have to pay tax. on tips earned from, quote, pornographic activity, if you follow that.

I don't know if I even understand what I'm saying, but... I have a little understanding or knowledge of it because my daughter, she does hair. Oh, for God's sake. I thought you had some big news there. Oh, about the other thing? No, no, no. I thought you were going to say my daughter now does pornography. No, no, no, that's disgusting.

Well, but that's... Can you understand why I thought you were headed in that direction? Well, you mentioned tips. I was talking about tips, so she's paid on tips. Did anyone else think he was going to say his daughter was now involved in pornography? I knew he's talking about the hair stuff. So she's, you know what? Stepdaughter.

If it was... Shame on you. Shame on you for thinking such a thing. But she's the one that brought up, or she told me about this, and I thought, well, that doesn't sound right. They're really going to do it, but I guess so. So, yeah, she's... I'm sorry, what? I was still picturing your stepdaughter being involved in pornography.

I don't do that. She's a saint. Yeah. I don't like that either. I feel protective over her. She's too young for you. Stay away from her. Oh, no.

And you're married. You're a married man. I can't picture other women. What are you doing? None of us do that. He's right. He's right. We never think about other.

All right. So the story mentions here that not everything on only fans is porn. So IRS agents will have to watch the videos. to determine whether the person's content is pornographic or not. That surprised me the first time I heard. I thought OnlyFans, that's what it was. It's just a porn set. Well, it's damn near all porn.

Yeah, I bet that's the most popular one. Outside of maybe celebrities, showing how they bake or whatever. But, I mean, is it like YouTube where somebody can say, this is how you fix a lawnmower engine? I suppose. I'm not sure. I never used to.

I've never been to OnlyFans, not once. And what percentage of people, you know, they're having all these year-end, you know, what would you call it, rankings and things like that, showing what you looked at over the year. What percentage people go to OnlyFans and don't do any porn stuff? And some of them combine it, right? Look, hey, I'm baking a flambe, and then they're completely nude. Oh, yeah, I could see that happening for sure.

Dangerous. There's still no true definition of what porn is. I don't know if you're aware of that or not, but it says here, is still no true definition as to what porn is. So these IRS agents might have to use the old standard of, I know it when I see it. Interesting gig. It's just, okay, I got a boner.

That's porn. No boner, not porn. Imagine getting this gig. Honey, I got a promotion at work. Oh, yeah? What are you going to be doing? Watching Onlyfans chicks all day. Well, that's better.

You hear about cops that have to look at some terrible stuff. I mean, just I can't even imagine having that job. This one sounds much better. On the topic of porno movies, I have a couple of questions. I've wondered once or twice about porn editors, dudes or gals who sit down and edit a professionally filmed porno movie. Does it even have an effect on them after a while? I doubt it. Probably not. I'd imagine you become immune to it, whatever the word would be. Numb to it? I know the word you're talking about. Kind of like how, you know, you'd mention Playboy just no longer worked for you after a while.

Right. Probably the same thing. Like Playboy, I mean, shoot, I remember as a kid, it was like the J.C. Penny catalog and National Geographic that would get you going. And I'd imagine that's not going to move the needle for anybody. I have another porn-related question. I don't expect any of you used to know the answer. But if you do, obviously, I'd love to hear it. Maybe I'm throwing this more towards our listeners.

who are the people who sit down and edit porn compilation videos for, say, porn hub? Like the stepsister compilation. It'll be anywhere between 20 minutes to two hours long. I always figured it was amateurs. Pardon me? I always figured it was like some random person. That's what I figured too. Is it someone who Pornhub is paying to edit those compilations?

Or is it just some amateur who sits down. and watches hundreds of hours of porn movies so the rest of us can watch a slickly edited video of Sasha Gray's most uncomfortable-looking BJs. That's a really good question because, yeah, I have always just assumed it's somebody like you or me doing those, but I guess... You know the videos I'm talking about?

Yeah, but I guess maybe like it's the, like, you know how there's... They have all those videos, but it's like a company, like one company will be, will own certain actresses, like, videos and all that kind of stuff. So maybe it's like those companies have a guy that does it. I'm certainly hopeful it's a professional.

And there's not just some dude sitting around for months watching and watching and watching and then highlighting, okay, that's a good one. Dana, do you know anything about this? Yeah, I do. I don't know who does it though. But I always assumed it was just some guy, some super fan, you know? That's what I. Yeah, I'm with you guys.

I think it was like some. Sasha Gray Superfan that, like, put together a highlight reel of his favorite scenes. Josh, now here's something, and I'm sure Josh knows nothing of what we're discussing. He doesn't watch porn movies. Josh, you know that they're, and I wonder who does this now. Who edits the porn music videos? There's porn music videos? You didn't know that.

No, like, I'm not surprising. Like real bands? Yes. Shut up. Yes. And at every high mark of the song, there'll be an explosive money shot. You know what I mean? Is that true?

So are they just, like gimmick bands? No, no, no. I'm talking, I'm talking music video. So a legit song. Oh, oh, and they just put porn over it. Yes. Oh, okay. So it'll be like, you know, Huey Lewis in the news.

Do you believe in love? Splash. Do you believe it's true? Splash. Do you believe splash, splash, splash, splash. Because I'm making you believe it's true. That's awesome. Yeah, that's different when I was picturing.

That's good. By the way, the word we were looking for, thank you and brother and sisterhood, is desensitized. When your D is no longer sensitized to what you're watching. That would suck. Being desensitized to porn? I mean, because I imagine sex can't be that exciting then.

Well, do you, so I retract the beginning of the question I was going to ask you. Nick, do you have to move on? Do you have to progress now? I mean, you mentioned you progress from Playboy on to different types of porn. Does the type of porn you're watching right now, like down the road, will it be a little more, I don't know, gratuitous or whatever you move on to?

Are you saying, are you asking whether or not? Right now it's like there's two women, but I bet there could be three. Right, two women don't do it for you anymore? I think that would only become an issue if you watched it a lot. All the time. I'm with Ashley.

I think if you watch porno all the time, I can only imagine how far those videos have to go to get you off. Well, you said you're someone who could just watch porn. And that's it. Yes. So does that mean you're a bit desensitized to it? No. I can still go back to something normal and find it interesting.

Okay. It doesn't always have to be a bus load of urinating, Japanese Olympic wrestlers. And that's just like special occasions. Around the holidays. Arbor Day. So to answer your question,

it can still be simple and I'll find it interesting. It doesn't have to be extreme. Because I'm not... Extreme. Pardon me? Extreme. Terrible rock band.

Well, no, Nuneo Vettincourt's one of the best of all time. They had a couple good songs. Only, like Ashley said, I think if you're just some zombie who's masturbating all day long, only in that situation do I think you're so desensitized that there has to be

something outrageous in front of you. And if that's the case, maybe take a little bit of a break. Take a break. That's when you know. You're going to hurt yourself. You need to take a break. Yeah, Ashley, you're right. I bet if you can't get it going with porn

and you enjoy that with a real person it's probably pretty difficult. Yeah, I've heard people complain about that before, like guys having porn brain. So, like, they can't perform with a regular girl because they're like, why aren't you doing all these, like, crazy different things? Where the hell's your mom?

Yeah. We've been here for 20 minutes. Your mom hasn't walked in yet to masturbate while watching us. Can we go down to the laundry room and try it there? You got to catch some of those porn music videos, Josh. That does sound pretty funny. For those about. To rock.

Splash. That's how it goes. Did they ever have like two cannons going from either side of the screen? There's clever editing. There's split screens. Do they have one with like bloopers? Oh, God. You've never seen porn bloopers?

No, but you told me about it. Oh, they're fantastic. But aren't some of them kind of gross? Yes, yes. Be careful. Be careful if you ever set down to watch porn bloopers. because sometimes it's whoops they pooped that's what you told me and and I want no part of that no thanks one of my favorites some of it can be horrible and and I've been scarred but some of it can be

so funny and so ridiculous my favorite being there was a porno movie being shot on a real live fishing boat that's safe like one of those big old uh the the stupid television show where all the old guys with the big beards went fishing. Oh, yeah. Deadless cam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of them big old, Alaskan, right?

And the gal is on her back. And some dude is just hammering. And like a big old scuba diving oxygen tank comes loose from the wall and pings the lady on her head. And the best part about it is it made the most perfect

ping sound when it made contact with her skull she's damn near unconscious I just had a drinking blooper everything that I was trying to drink while you were talking

ended up in my nose I can't even imagine that must have hurt so bad the sound was like you were watching a cartoon it was so perfectly ping perfectly amplified and you hear the

what do you call them the folks behind the The director. Oh, Jesus. Cut. I need to find this. Take five. She's over there just.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, girl, you stand by me. I want to find this, but I'm afraid to do research on it. I'm forever yours. Splash. Fully. Stupid news on the half-and-a-half-and-a-half-out-and-a.

Morning Show. This is a hell of a way to start things off. A hell of a way. Two guys are in trouble with the law for, quote, swinging their penises at people. Sounded a little bit like this. Swinging their penises at people, people including children. Yeah, that's bad.

That ain't right. I mean, it was bad to start, but. That's really, really, really bad. So what it sounds like here, two lunatics in a town called Perth, wherever that is, it doesn't matter. I believe we're talking Australia there. Australia, that doesn't sound right. The two of them just smooth, walked into someone's backyard. They took out each other's penises, like guy number one removed guy number two's rod from his pants

and vice versa. And then the two maniacs swung their peckers round and round by swiveling their hips. In hopes that someone would notice them. And they were noticed. If I was going to do that, I don't have enough to helicopter,

but that'd be all balls. If you're going to see me do that kind of the... What's that game? Walla ball, we used to have around here? Yes. Yes. Very sexual in nature. Called walla ball.

You strap a hoop around your waist, basically, and you have to, there's a ball attached to a string, and you have to get it through the hoop. There are three baskets right where your pecker might be, three little baskets. And like Josh, that a ball on a string, and through pelvic thrusts, you try to hoist that ball into one of the baskets. Each of the baskets has a different point total. Oh, look, I got 50. Then you hump a little more. Oh, I got the 100 point. funny story Josh I'm glad you brought up wallaball

did a bar gig many many years ago at the old mall of America oh wait a minute the Mall of America is still there yeah it's still there it's old now though what I mean I guess where I was going with that was when the bar scene at the Mall of America was crazy I was to get jealous when you guys tell these stories I was too young for that that sounds like so much fun

that fourth floor was wild I know I mean you might as well been on Bourbon Street with carpet. It was lawless. It was lawless. So me and one of my ex-radio partners, Mike was his name, we went to do this appearance at one of the bars at the Mall of America. And we assumed it was just going to be get on the mic every once in a while, give away some concert tickets, right? The bar manager walks up to Mike and I with that wallaball set up.

And he says, hey, have you guys heard of this new game? ball you strap this around your waist and the three baskets and the ball on a string and you and you hump away at it you thrust and the ball goes up into the he says i think it'd be great if every 10 minutes or so during your appearance here that you guys you know what might play this game up on the stage it'll be great so here you go you guys brand new game wallaball and my old radio partner mike just looks dead in his eyes and says uh yeah we're not going to do that All right, so here we got these two gibronies. They walked into somebody's yard, took out their dongs,

and were swinging them around in circles. It says here the victims of this terrible display was a, quote, young family. There were little kids in the house that had to see that horrible two-man, two-man, Dong-Nado. Yeah, that's something you probably don't forget. No. At any age, but especially as a kid. One of the two prick swingers goes by the name of Grant.

To pop Grant! He's 39 years old acting like that. That just makes it so much more dumb. They went off the court for this. Cops were called. The D-swingers went to court. According to the story, Grant and his partner, tried to explain this away by saying that their disgusting public display was a prank.

In public, come on. They said it was not a sexual act. They said they were drunk. A gal called Virginia. It was her property where the worst puppet show ever was put on. Oh, yeah. She said she became physically sick at the sight of the two morons and their crooked, hairy peckers swinging around in circles.

She became physically sick. She puked. Gosh, that brings up some gross memories of the puppetry of the penis guys when they came in here a couple times. Remember you guys telling those stories? I'll never forget the hamburger. Oh, gosh, terrible. Never saw it.

Absolutely terrible. They were standing six feet away, but still never saw it. I told them I wasn't going to look and I meant it. I would have to look. Are we in the trust tree here? Yeah. It's just the four of us. No one else is listening, right?

Yeah. It's based on ratings, yes. About six months ago, we have a living room camera that we used to check in on the dog when we're not home. And my wife was out of town and I said, oh, hey, pull up your phone and look at what Charlie's doing. He's being really cute right now. And I did the helicopter dog. You call your penis, Charlie? No, I do it.

No. You helicoptered your wife at 40 years old? What in the world, did it? I thought we were in the trust tree. I asked you specifically. Well, no, we are. Okay. We're not in the no judgment tree, though.

That's what I should have asked. Yes, that's different. I just don't know why you do that for your wife. I was just, you drunk? No, I could see my husband doing that. Just trying to be funny. It's silly. A girlfriend or something.

How'd she take that? I can't remember her exact reaction. She was shocked for sure, but I did think she found a little bit of humor in it. You got to be careful because if that was me and I was out with some friends or family, I'd be like, oh, guys, look. My dog's going to be doing something cute. Oh, penis. That reminds me of the chat roulette episode of South Park.

Penis, penis, penis. That's how it was, yeah. Okay, there's a guy jacking off. That was the same episode, right? I think so, yeah. Let's get back to the D-swingers real quick. In court, these two fellers were referred to as a, quote, pair of idiots. Hell, Grant, the D-swinger that I was telling you about,

says here he has kids of his own. Come on. How can he even go back home and act like an authority figure after something like that? Yeah, that's... Daddy, why did I see you in a police car today? Oh, I was on someone's property. milling my penis in circles while children just like you were watching. He's taken out his penis.

Were you all by yourself, Daddy? Oh, no, no. There was another grown man there with me. We were both windmilling our PPs around in a circle in front of children. And you took your own penis out is what you're saying. Now you listen to your daddy. No, no, no, I had a friend take my penis out as I took his penis out. They're pretty soft on crime there in Perth, it sounds like to me. SAWFT soft, the two gibronies only received fines for exposing their peckers to children.

They must have been, I mean, the story mentioned how remorseful they were. One guy was even crying. You know, his lawyer saying the guy feels like the dumbest person on planet Earth? Yeah, you should. Almost 40 years old. Shame. Yeah, that's shameful. But then again, Dana, you're 40 and you did it.

Just do it on your living room camera like a real adult. Yeah, exactly. gosh, I really, I really wish you would have been hacked. And that would have made it on Reddit. That would have gone over it, social media. At that point, you've got to just embrace it. Yeah, yeah. There was a private moment on camera between husband and wife.

Right. And Charlie. Is that one of those at-home cameras where you can speak through it? Yes. Okay. I had one of those years ago. Well, I didn't. My girlfriend at the time had one of those years ago.

Same concept. so she could keep an eye on the pets, right? Yep. So I was at her place, and I'm watching the television. The cameras, I was taking care of her pets, actually. The cameras pointed right at me, and suddenly I hear a voice say, hey, what's going on? And it was my girlfriend, right?

She could look at her phone, see me sitting in her apartment. She could see the pets, and she could speak to me through this little speaker. So she says, hey, what's going? on. So now I know she's watching me. She was with a girlfriend out drinking somewhere. And I didn't know this at the time she told me later. Just for a joke, I looked, I'm sitting in a chair, I looked right into the camera and I started unzipping my pants. And when she got home, she told me she's sitting with this girlfriend. And when I began to do that, her girlfriend went, oh, hell yeah. I was taking out his penis.

And my girlfriend at the time had to turn to her girlfriend and say, wait a minute, what? The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special.

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Next role with Vernon Davis. I'm your host Vernon Davis. Okay, y'all, thank you. Thank you. That's the matter. Today we have Dietrich Wives. Through my example, on the field, off the field, during game day and practice, that was one way that I led because then led to success.

Next role isn't about what's next. It's about why they do it. My man, Bobby Bones. Like, I've had a lot of stuff happen, bad and good. And so I don't have any fear of mixing it up. That's powerful, man. Next roll with Vernon Davis. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.

Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. It's Thursday. It's 93X Rock. It's early in the morning. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. We had a conversation earlier about tomorrow being at. Sure, Halloween. Right.

Buh, boring. No one cares about Halloween. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. Another listener is celebrating oh wait a minute not tomorrow one of our listeners texted in classic country Jesus

his birthday is today Cobby yes I just remembered mentioning that tomorrow is you know my birthday and I guess Halloween me and my husband were talking last night about how we should teach our

son that when people say like happy Halloween and stuff like that that's just their way of celebrating my birthday that like Halloween is, it's just another word for my birthday. So you tell the kid, hey, mom loves scary movies and costumes. So because it's her birthday, everyone in the neighborhood goes around town looking for can. So that's what you spin?

Yeah. That's not a bad idea. Until we started thinking, oh, but then when it's his birthday and people don't go all out and do all these special things, he's going to think that nobody likes him or something. That's even better. He should know how cool mom is. They have a whole holiday based around mom. Why is everyone running around the neighborhood in costume and asking for candy?

Well, it's all because it's your mother's birthday. Because I'm just so great that everybody celebrates it. Lying to children, lying to children, I was raised on lies. I think lying to children is some of the most friggin' fun that an adult can have. The friggin' stories that my parents and my uncles and whatnot tried to convince my brother and I were true was just hilarious stuff. I love that routine. I mean, like say when I was a kid, when we'd drive around town and we would see, it doesn't happen as much as it used to, Josh, because there aren't bench seats in cars anymore. But you know, back in the day, Josh, when the guy would be driving his pickup and his girlfriend is basically sitting on his.

lap, right? I always wanted that. I thought when I grow up, I want to do just that. You wanted to have a pickup, and I want her sitting right there. A woman at your side. When we were kids, I remember asking my dad, like, why is she sitting so close? And my dad said, oh, it takes two people to drive that car. I loved that.

That's what I'm talking about. Those little lies that you mislead children with can be so much friggin' fun. I had a pickup that had the bench seat. Never had the girl there, though. Plenty of groceries. Groceries next to you. You had your arm around the groceries. Yeah.

And what's great about it is if you, of course, have a kid as dumb as I was, I believe that until I was about 19 years old, that there were cars that took two people to drive. Because my dad established that when I was six. I thought, no kidding. It takes two people to drive to some bitch. Now, Brian says they have a holiday based on Mom's Mother's Day, but yeah, you're correct.

But we want this based on Ashley. Yeah. Just the one mom. Forget all the other moms. Yeah, just me. I want to be selfish. Until I was about 16 years old, I believe that my dad and Willie Nelson went to different schools together. Well, that's actually true, but I didn't listen to what my dad would see Willie Nelson on television.

He go, oh, Willie Nelson, he and I went to different schools together. And I never took the time to understand what he, I thought he meant they went to school. But they went to, of course, we all went to different schools together. So it's little things like that that I've always enjoyed. My mom told us as kids that she was deathly allergic to cats. My sister and I, we really wanted a cat. And she goes, well, we can't get one. You know, your mom will get very sick.

You don't want your mom to get sick, do you? And we were like, oh, no, no, of course. So we completely just dropped the whole thing. And that was when I was seven, eight years old. Fast forward to, like, early 20 as I was dating a girl. My mom was going to come by and see us, and we were all going to go to lunch together. And I frantically called my mom because I realized that my girlfriend had a cat. I go, you can't come up to the apartment.

She has a cat. And my mom had completely forgotten the lie at this point. Yeah. And it was like, well, what, okay? I don't, like, well, aren't you allergic? She goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just told you that so you'd stop bugging McBrought. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

It's exactly what I'm talking about. All right. Speaking of pets now that we've started talking about pets, in honor of our special guests later on this morning, Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital will be in studio later. In honor of Dr. Andrea's visit, we enjoy her so much. We have put together. Cubby specifically has put together an all-animal edition of the stupid news.

Just like Josh on a Saturday night after half a Coors light. All-animal. Yeah. Look out. Meow. Ar! It's feisty. That's adorable.

I bury my poopies and my peepies. And of course, we're going to start with monkeys. Those peckerhead bastards. They're always doing something. I'll say it again. They're planning a war. a war with humans, just like you might have seen in the movies. They've had enough of us pushing us.

I'll get there. They've had enough of us pushing them around. They've already started trouble in other parts of the world. We've told the stories up and down. They're snatching up our babies. They're pissing in our cocktails when we're not looking. They think they can run the planet better than we can. And I don't disagree with that.

I don't. I would love a monkey. Wouldn't you guys? I'd welcome the monkey overlords. I wouldn't have it cool to have a monkey. A little diapered monkey. A million times. Is it smoking and drinking?

No, mine's not. Mine is smoking and drinking. Mine's on some harder stuff. Yeah, mine doesn't. Smoking and drinking is nothing to mine. Dana, you're welcoming our monkey overlords. I'm not. Although I agree that they could probably run things better than we currently do,

I still know what side I'm on. You know what I mean? You're going to fight with the humans? I can't turn my back on humanity that easily. I can. You can. Yes, yeah. You've shown sympathy to the monkeys when we've had these conversations before.

They're just trying to live. Poopfoot Jesus hates monkeys. All caps. He hates monkeys. Get back to us. Why do you hate monkeys so much? What's the deal? You don't find them adorable and you're not impressed with their swinging and climbing skills and poop throwing skills?

Right. I was going to say, the little ones with the red butts at the Minnesota Zoo that fling their poo around, those guys are great. I don't like the red butts, I'll be honest with you. Put those things away. That's intimidating. That's intimidating. When the dust has settled, if the monkeys win the war, I will tip my hat to them if I'm still alive. but I'm not going to turn on humanity that quickly when the war begins.

I know what side I'm on. Why is he yelling at us, Josh? Who's yelling? I don't like the name. The guy that just texted about hating monkeys. Yes. Okay, poop foot Jesus says he hates monkeys and now he's yelling at us? It's just in all caps.

Yeah, he said because they look like people and are dumb. Well, there's a lot of people that look like people and they're dumb. Why the monkeys? I think they're a little cuter. I would argue that they are not dumb. I would like to see a monkey in a military outfit. He's got his... He's got a little bazooka.

Yeah, a sniper, a monkey sniper? Wouldn't you want to see something like that? War paint on. Of course they look cute in uniform. All right. A lot of people are texting and saying they like to spank their monkey. That's hilarious. Here's the latest nightmare that has unfolded here in the early days of the human.

monkey war. Down there, Mississippi, diseased research monkeys being transported down the interstate in a semi-truck and trailer. They were able to overturn the truck, they caused it to crash, and then they escaped from the truck. The driver of the truck didn't see it coming. He says he smelled turds in the cab at one point or another. He knew it wasn't him. Next thing he knows he's peeling himself off the road upside down in the cab of his truck. They got him. The monkeys turned the truck over and now they're gone. Maybe I don't welcome the monkey overlords now.

Too late. You already said it. They're on their way here. You're going to be their bitch, Dana. I am. The diseased monkeys escaped. They were being driven from one research facility to another, you know, a pile of them in the trailer. Cop showed up full force.

It was too late. And now the police down there are telling folks in the neighborhood to stay inside. Don't go near a monkey if you see one. The monkeys are infected with COVID. I'm not making this up. The monkeys have herpes. Welcome to the club. The monkeys have hepatitis.

Oh, no, they've come out now and said that's not true. And you're buying it? You're buying that, Josh? I am buying it. Don't you think of that as maybe monkey war propaganda? Don't do this to me. I slept with two of those monkeys. And I thought I was safe.

So now you're saying they do have COVID and herpes and super gonorrhea and everything else. Are you a monkey effer? You know what I am. For Pete's sake, it says here some of the escaped monkeys have been shot dead. This is terrible. What is going on? They thought they were infected. And they don't like people.

I'm guessing that it says here, don't go near these monkeys. They do not like us. And I'm guessing that's because they know that we are the ones. ones that gave them COVID and herpes and hepatitis. Yeah, if you're a lab monkey or lab, enter the, you know, whatever animal you want to put after that, I bet they don't have a good feeling about humans. As they're getting hair spray sprayed in their eyes and whatnot? It's going to get a whole lot worse for it gets better, everybody.

In their eyes. The war has begun here in the States. They overturned a friggin' truck. They kicked the driver's ass and they ran into the woods. I can't get enough of these stories, though. Come on. More monkey issues, please. Although some of them, we've talked about these monkeys many times where they're like stealing babies and throwing them off roofs and stuff like that.

I don't like evil monkeys. They're climbing in your windows. I can't help, but I hope the babies are okay. But like, imagine a monkey just like throwing a baby like a football. I got to say I get kind of scared of the monkey on family guy. That monkey is always so upset. No, no, no, he's okay. Yeah, and Chris's always pointing and he looks so angry.

He's a family man. Oh, yeah, they did a whole episode about him once. I forgot about that. They kind of told his backstory, and the monkey's actually just misunderstood. Yeah, they finally got sick of. They're like, all right, I think we've just bled this bit dry, so we're going to have an ending here. You know, that's sometimes the magic of family guy,

is they do a bit to the point where you're, screaming at your TV, and then eventually like Stockholm syndrome, you're like, okay, this is funny again. Because, yeah, exactly. The odometer trips over and it starts again. I get family guys shamed in my household, and I don't appreciate it. What do you mean?

Divorce. My wife will watch every single trashy dating show possible, but somehow family guy is just beneath her, and I'm stupid for watching it. Yeah, my wife doesn't like family guy or South Park. She doesn't get it. What? Can you imagine the truck driver with that trailer full of monkeys?

driving down the interstate in Mississippi. He was probably on the CB talking to other truckers. You hear what happened to that unlucky some bitch in Indianapolis with Mark Sanchez? Right? They're chatting back and forth on the CB. And then the trucker thinks to himself, what the hell smells like chloroform? And then a monkey puts a rag over his face and he overturns the train. And then the disease monkeys are running wild.

He's thinking, this can't be happening. I just wanted to get to the Hotel 8. Get a prostitute, a case of beer, motel 8, whatever they call it. Yeah, he's probably saying, like you were saying the CB, oh, that thing that happened to that truck driver to Mark Sanchez, that's the worst thing to happen in the history of truck driver. Yeah, and then he's like, who the hell put a bottle of chloroform in the... Ha ha!

The thought of him crawling out of the truck overturned. Yeah. What the hell just happened? Monkey just put some... A chloroform rag over my mouth and I overturned the bitch. Here's more. Here's another one in Texas, a pet monkey. A pet monkey.

Tired of being captive, I would imagine. Cut loose from its human owner. And the monkey went mental inside one of those spirit Halloween shops. My daughter looked up. She said, what in the world? And she's like, is that a real monkey? And so I look up and I said, well, it's got a diaper on. So I guess it is real.

entertaining. I mean, it was like, huh? A lot of people just stood and watched for like 30 minutes, like the whole time. They're just a monkey. I had kids trying to catch it. It had jumped down on the floor and ran past my leg. And at that point, I was like, okay, I've had enough. Those are folks who were witnesses to this scene at the Spirit Halloween shop in Texas. For more than a half hour, this monkey was swinging from the rafters, screaming out threats, dropping turds. like atomic bombs from the ceiling of this Halloween shop. That was Arlene, the lady that was speaking there. Arlene talked to the local television news about what she saw. And you heard her say it, Josh. The monkey was wearing a diaper.

And that's what made her realize it's a real monkey. Yeah, I guess. I saw a picture of the monkey. He is pretty darn cute. That must have been awesome. Yeah, exactly. Spirit Halloween's are chaotic as it is, and you throw a monkey in there too?

That must have been so much fun. Yeah, that's a good day. I miss the parrot at our local car wash. Oh, yeah, that one, yeah, another one you're talking about. Did every neighborhood car wash have a parrot for there about 20, 25 years? Was it all parrot? Was it a paradise? That's the one by us.

I have no idea. I don't know if that was just kind of their deal. I just know they had a parrot there and it always looked miserable. It looked absolutely miserable. Oh, this one looked happy. Oh, the one that I saw, it looked at me and it said, end my life, please. It F bombed me. I was in there.

Did it cuss? Yeah, constantly. Cool. Did it talk? Well, I mean, nobody else could hear it, but I could. People thought it was a little weird for some reason. Yeah, I could hear what it was thinking. Such terrible things about me, and you wouldn't believe the jokes it had about my mom.

Oh, Christ. Awful. That's where it all started. So this monkey went wild inside the Halloween shop. Eventually the monkey's owner offered it a cookie, and the monkey calmed down, and it was recaptured. A cookie would calm you. I've seen you around cookies.

Yeah. It would. Your mood changes. I'm much more primate maybe than man. The monkey wasn't injured at all. And supposedly everything went back to normal at the Halloween shop. But take this as another sign of things to come. If that Halloween shop monkey wouldn't have been starving for a cookie,

I think things could have turned out much, much worse. At the least, I think, if there was no cookie, Josh, at the least, I think, if there was no cookie, Josh, At the least, I think someone in that store would have ended up being suffocated by a dirty monkey diaper. Just like that chloroform rag on the truck driver. This one's going to throw you too, I think. Try this one out. At in Orlando is how I should have said that. In Orlando.

At SeaWorld. They're calling it SeaWorld. Anyone been there? No. Nope. Was it Disney World, but not SeaWorld. Didn't have time. Over there at SeaWorld, the gal riding on one of those roller coasters, she got knocked unconscious by a duck.

That was a flying through the park. And now the gal is... Revenge. Now she's suing SeaWorld. She wants 50 grand. So there she was a few months ago. She's ripping up and down on that. damn roller coaster going faster than piss at the exact same time a damn duck flies through the duck

hit the lady square in the mug and it knocked her out cold she took that corkscrewed duck rod right to the jaw why is that corkscrewed it's gross for for her pleasure i think is the joke anyway and it put her to sleep this duck hit her in the face so hard it knocked her right on out this gal in her lawsuit, they say that SeaWorld, I mean SeaWorld, should have warned her about the dangerous condition of the park before she got on the roller coaster. She says they placed her in harm's way. Oh my gosh, you're outside.

It is kind of crazy that you can sue for anything nowadays. I hate this lady. Here's a quote from her sleazy ambulance-chasing lawyer. SeaWorld created a zone of danger for bird strikes due to placing the roller coaster over or near a body of water, which creates a higher risk of bird strikes involving ducks, gulls, geese, and other water, foul. Oh, shut up. She wants a beware of duck sign on the roller coaster as you want through. Yeah, you suck. How dumb do you have to be to not think about,

Oh, my gosh. The lawsuit also claimed, Ashley, please. I just, I... The lawyers and such are talking. The lawsuit also claimed that the roller coaster disoriented the birds and increased the risk of bird-human high-speed collisions. The roller coaster with it whipping by and spinning around, it would disorient the birds and they'd go,

I don't even know where I'm flying anymore. And it increased the risk of these birds. human collisions. You don't, you didn't know that? They should be the ones that are suing. The ducks and the birds and the waterfalls. Good point. Where somebody should on behalf of the birds. Absolutely. The most upsetting part of the story is that I have no information on what happened to the duck. Was he killed in the collision? Is he paralyzed from the beak down? And he's been placed in an adorable little wheelchair. We just don't know. You ever seen a duck in a wheelchair? No, but I want to. You would never. Probably on Looney Tunes or something, I'd imagine. You will get rid of all of

current pets and all you will want is a duck in a wheelchair the minute you see a duck in a wheelchair. This person's right. They should have had an anti-duck air defense. That's true. And a lot of people are bringing up a good point. She should have ducked.

Oh. But why is the penis corkscrewed? It's for her pleasure. Just stick with the easy joke sometimes, Josh. For her pleasure. Well, now I'm picturing that they have a cork down there the ladies do and they just got to uncork it and go for it. It's similar. cork their brains out at that.

I need a duck in a wheelchair. Are you looking at a duck in a wheelchair? Yes. Are you already thinking about turning your dogs into the pound? Yes. You're only human. Look at this little guy. Is he just chugging along, isn't he?

Yeah, he's got like big fat tires on his wheelchair too because he's got an off road. Yeah. Josh, I'm sorry. What was it again? That was very funny. They needed a duck air defense. Yeah, anti-duck air defense. Just some teenage kids with BB guns.

That's probably all you really need. Remember all the controversy around U.S. Bank Stadium taking out all those birds? Yes. Oh, yeah, that was a lot. Yes, I do. That was fun. The birds were slamming themselves into the side of the new ballpark, and it was a terrible tragedy. Simon says, didn't Fabio take a goose to the face on a roller coaster?

Yeah, that was Fabio, wasn't it? Fabio took it. How the hell did you come up with that? That was a big story. Yeah, that's the first thing I thought of too. Fabio, the old supermodel guy? Yeah, he messed his face up pretty good. He was on a roller coaster and he got hit in the face by a goose.

How a hell of a bird? That's large. She's Louise. Not munging or shrimping Jesus makes a really good point. He said, oh, I'm confused. A place called SeaWorld is close to water. What is this world coming to? Yeah, what do you expect?

You're not safe. No matter what you're doing, you're not safe even on a roller coaster. at SeaWorld. I saw Final Destination 3 last night a little bit of it. I know what happens on those roller coasters. Oh. Is that any good? It's the best one.

No, it's terrible. But it's a Final Destination movie, and you're aware of that when you go into it. I just saw the opening scene. When I watched the Final Destination movie series, I just watched the opening scene for the Halacious Crash, and then I move on with my life. There's no reason to continue.

How's the latest one? I liked it. Yeah, Ashley liked it. I saw the preview were at the barbecue? Yes. That was even stressful. That's the funniest part. They get you on that one.

Like, oh, no, that's not what it is. And then they keep going. Oh, back to ducks real quick. Teacher, she's has texted in to say that duck sex is not pretty. We had that conversation on the air a while back. Yeah, we know. I know firsthand that duck sex is. Oh, my gosh, yeah.

Yeah. On my property a year or two ago, my wife had to break up a duck rape. And that's exactly what it was. It was horrible. horrible. This is one of my favorite stories. It was just, we were sitting in the house and all of a sudden, slam, slam, slam! Like something crashed into the sliding glass door.

And we look out the window and there was a two-on-one duck rape happening on my property. We had to run outside and I had to kick these mallards in the ass and say, get out of here. My wife's out there with a hockey stick or something. It was horrible. And I waited until I, I, I waited until. knew that I had forced the men, male ducks to fly away, and I counseled the female for a while, and I said, it's okay, you can go where you want to go. It was terrible.

She's not lying. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life. It was terrible. Ducks are cute little bastards, but I'll tell you what, not when they're looking to get it on. I had no idea. That is awful. Not when they're looking to get it on. Half-assed morning show, 93-hs.

Just a hell of a time. We're having a hell of a time here with our longtime pal. I'll see Willie Miles sitting here in studio with us. How's everything, see Willie? Man, it's all good. In the hood. Anything you'd like to discuss this morning on the program? No, man, I got nothing.

I got nothing going on. My shows are all sold out. And all I need to do is just be here and just be grateful. Well, we're grateful for your presence. Your next show would be your Christmas show? My next show is my Thanksgiving. Holiday Show that's coming up in Prior Lake at Fong's, which is on a Tuesday. All right.

And then I usually immediately leave town the next day. You don't need to even give the date because it's sold out. It's sold out. Right. It's 24th. And then on 25th. I mean, it's no tickets to be. I don't know.

25th. And then the 6th of December is sold out at crooners. We be not seeing any shows soon enough where folks can go. Good tickets. Where it's not sold out. Any more shows? Well, my next public show that I'll be doing, because I've got a couple of holiday parties that I'm doing, but they're not open to the public. But crooners, I'll be back there Valentine.

So if you want to hop on that, that's the only place I'm kind of performing right now publicly. I love your relaxed schedule. Yeah, I do too, man. I want to be you someday. I, man, I worked 30 years to get to where I'm at right now. And I'm loving it. Josh, wouldn't you like to say, I've got some. Something going around December 6th and then the next is on Valentine's Day.

Just not really fully knowing the schedule because I don't care. It's like when you're a kid in summer, you have no idea what day it is. Absolutely. Could be Saturday, could be Wednesday. It makes no difference. Or what time it is. I guess the only day I knew was Sunday for church. Oh, sure.

Outside of that, it just didn't matter. Yeah, I was a PK, so yeah, I had to know when Sunday was. What's a PK? Preachish kid. Oh, sure, sure. Well, we're always happy to have you. I'm always excited to be in here, man. This is always a fun time for me.

I'm up early and I need something to do. I've got something here that might be concerning for some of us. I'm slightly unnerved by reading this. Saying um more frequently while speaking. Um or uh. may signal that your brain is rotting. Simple little speech patterns, patterns is how you say it. Simple little speech patterns like um or uh,

taking longer pauses. Or here's the part, Josh, where I thought, this isn't good, struggling when searching for words. Yeah, I'm getting there. You're screwed. I have that problem every single, what do you call it again? Day?

Day. Struggling and searching for words might be indicators of declining cognitive ability. Wow. I think it happening on air, well, I guess maybe not in your case, Nick. But, like, I forget sometimes, like, what I'm about to say or, like, the word I'm looking for, or I say omp. And I think it's just because I'm more careful on air. Trying not to swear. Yeah, I want to make sure I'm getting things right because sometimes if you don't get it right, people will come at your life.

That's funny. There are times, you know, like an out-of-body experience on the radio. It's the same thing where I'm almost standing next to myself going, don't eff it up, kid. This could be trouble. Don't screw this up. Tamper it down. So I know exactly what you're saying. So sometimes it'll take a little bit longer to express yourself because you're thinking of all the angles on how this could go wrong or you could be misrepresented.

So I totally get what you're saying. Yeah. Otherwise, I think in my regular life day to day, I don't, I think I'm pretty good. I am an um, uh, long pause and I struggle trying to find the proper word. I do that all the time, all the time. If you do, I don't notice. Oh, I really notice it when I put together the promos because I have to like I like to cut that out just to make it a little bit shorter so it all fits nicely. And I'm like, oh, what is this?

That's an um, there's an uh, there's an awkward pause. Are you serious? Yeah. I wonder why I don't notice that. Maybe just when in the moment it's different. Yeah, absolutely. I don't see my pauses as awkward. I certainly am aware that they're a bit extended.

But yes, Ashley has to edit out certain things so the promo can fit into a certain time and run on the air later. Thank you, by the way, for editing out those ums and aaws. Of course, yeah. Next thing, you know, Reddit is going to assume that I have a problem. brain injury. They already have made assumptions about my overall mental health. That's hilarious. Our everyday speech and how we talk may reveal more about brain health than just what we say.

It's how we say it. If you notice a friend or family member suddenly speaking with more hesitations, longer pauses, or trouble finishing thoughts, it might be worth being a little more than attentive to them. My wife and I have very different communication styles where if someone's not talking, I feel I have to fill in the space nervously, and maybe it's just because of what we do. But my wife takes a long time to process things.

And I don't mean that demeaning. I just mean she likes to really think about what she's going to say. No, you're right. I've noticed that. And it's never struck me in a way to where I thought she was. lacking intelligence. She is very measured. She's very thoughtful. Yes. Right.

My husband, when we're all together, he calls, he says that we have, like, I think it's dead air syndrome, he's nicknamed it, because we don't like it to be too quiet for too long. We'll chime in with something. Well, that's the common sign of a younger, newer couple. Right. What do you mean? You want to keep things moving. Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, I said that incorrectly.

I mean, like, when he is hanging out with all of us, when we're all in a room together and all of us are having a conversation, he said he notices that when, like, say, me, you and Josh are talking, Nick, that we don't let it be quiet for too long. And I said, I think that he credits it to us being on the radio and you don't like it to be quiet for too long because that means something is wrong. That's interesting. I would never notice that. So is your husband trying to get us all to shut up? No, he loves it. He loves sitting there and just listening to us go back and forth. Let the conversation breathe a little bit, people.

He's like, let me get a word in. I've always thought in new, especially comedies, that'd be something I've noticed where it's too quick. It's not natural. I mean, you're an expert, see, Willie, like the comedic timing and things, they're getting to their line so quick, and I don't know if it's nerves or what it's supposed to be. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. But I know what you're saying, Ashley.

that's definitely a thing where you're just trained, like don't let something hang there, you know, just have something. Yeah, and I always feel bad if somebody says something quick and nobody says anything back to them. I don't know why. Even if it's just like a little thought that doesn't really need an answer, I always feel bad. No, we're different in our house because we, my wife and I are very, both are very good conversationalists, but we both like downtime. of what we do. Like, I, like, I, I'm not a reader, so I don't, I don't read a whole lot of stuff. I'm a, I'm a thinker. So, and, and, and I think about a lot of stuff, and I'll think out loud, you know, and my wife is a very, she's a great listener, but at the end of the day, we both

like it a little bit quiet in the house every once in a while, because she works in finance, and she's constantly on the phone, and when she works from home, she's always on zon. or something with somebody, you know, and sometimes we just like that downtime where it's just, and I think that's what you was getting across to Ashluck. When you've been together in a relationship, you've been married for a long time. Peace and quiet is very hard to come by. Right. And so when you get it, man, you take full advantage of it.

I was recently told by my wife that when I try to explain something to her, there's too many words. Right. She's like, get to the point. Yes. Yes. She is fairly to the point and gets the message out quickly. Right. I take my time. I'm a slower talker. And so, yeah, just the other day, she said, I was in the middle of explaining something to her,

and she kind of threw her hands up. And I said, what happened? And she said, it's just so many words. I get that too, because that's how I am. And not just with my wife, but with a lot of people. The one thing you can say that really triggered me is to say to make a long story short and it doesn't get shorter. Don't ever say that to me. You better mean that.

When you're already three minutes into telling me something and then say, but to make a long story short, it's too late. Yeah. It's really too late now. I try and work on that. Getting to the point quicker. Right. I do too. My wife will tell me she went out to lunch with somebody, but she will tell me the whole, from the time she woke up.

I do the same thing. calls she had to. You need the context clues. All I need is where do you went, who did you go to luncheon? Where did you go? Dude, that's so funny. I think sometimes my husband's like ready to just end his life because of how I go on and on and he's like, are we to the point of the story that like all of this is even for yet? Land the plane. Land the plane. Yes, exactly. I asked my wife, I said, what altitude are we at? We climbing or we're descending? And she's like, what? Now let me ask C. Willie Miles and Josh your question. Leaving out the younger folks

just for a minute. When I get excited, when I get fired up, I speed up my delivery a little bit. It's only natural. I'm fired up. I'm excited. But generally, I'm a little bit of a slower talker. As I've gotten older,

fast talkers, I just can't follow it. I have a couple of friends who are really fast talkers, and I just can't hear it anymore. I I can't follow what they're saying because of the speed. Have either of you experienced that as you've gotten older? Not yet.

I haven't know. No. Like sometimes I'll watch videos like at one and a half speed or like I'll listen to audiobooks at that. Maybe just because I'm used. So maybe that's why I'm not because I don't know if I'm trained for it, but I'm used to it. And maybe this is a sign of my diminishing cognitive skills.

I don't know. But fast talkers, like at the bar, I constantly have. to ask them to repeat themselves. If you give it to me too fast of a pace. I do notice that you ask people to repeat themselves. Yeah, you've done that. He's done that to me a couple times, and I know it's because I'm going too fast.

Dana, you often kick it up to an unsafe speed. Absolutely. Yeah, sometimes you kind of leapfrog words. Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I get in my brain where I assume people know what I'm talking about, and they don't need as much, and I just talk way too fast. Yeah.

That's not easy to do. Something I've worked down over the last couple years as I've noticed, especially with my brother, if we're wrapping up a phone conversation, all of a sudden, everything gets a little bit faster

and we're about to say goodbye. You know, and so it's like a race. That was very skillful right there, by the way. I was possessed. Yeah. So now I have to, on purpose, just calm down a little bit and just say, all right, yeah,

great talking to you. We'll see you later. You're saying that at the, sometimes at the end of conversations, you tend to speed up the pace? On a phone call specifically. On the telephone. when I know it's about to end.

And my brother's the same way. So if he starts speaking faster, I know it's, oh, we're about to hang up. A couple dueling banjos. Yeah. So I've worked on that. All right. So there you go. If you are an um or an ah person.

By the way, as we've discussed many times in this program, I love a great nickname. One of my favorite nicknames ever. This guy's been gone for years. one of my dad's friends growing up, his nickname was ah. Because this is how he legitimately talked. If you asked him, what are some bands you've seen? He would say, I saw Johnny Cash once when I was in Memphis, Tennessee. I once saw the Bellamy brothers when I was in the service.

He said ah between every statement. So his nickname was ah. And I thought that was so friggin' hilarious as a kid. I love to hear him talk because it was exactly how I played it out. Makes sense. What a nickname. So I wonder about this whole brain rotting study. What about people who use effing as um or ah?

Yeah, I know. That's the same thing. Yeah, they're just, it sounds cooler, though. It does sound cooler, right? I mean, that's something you wouldn't cut out of a promo if we were allowed to swear. Like, yeah, we went to that effing. That effing nightclub? Yeah.

I suppose I'm throwing an eye in there. But you know what I'm saying? Like the dragged out effing. Yeah, that's what I do. I've always been impressed by the folks who begin a sentence with effing. Yeah, there's people that can throw it. You mentioned your brothers like that with combinations of swear words and stuff, but there's people that can throw the F word in and just make it super smooth.

My old pals, my old pals Big Phil and Pistol Pete from across the street, begin their sentences. with effing. And one of my favorite memories was, we didn't see Pistol Pete from across the street for a few years. He got himself in trouble. He had to leave town. And he came back to town.

And my mother, you know, our families were very close. He was across the street. Pistol Pete from across the street sees my mother for the first time in four or five years. And my mother walks up and says, Pistol Pete. And he says this, effing Mrs. Bourne. He started his greeting with effing. We're all different, I suppose. The 93X half-assed morning show.

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Filing your taxes is basically data entry. There's been this trend of people going, oh, it's so cool to file my taxes in August. It's so awesome. Don't worry. I have an extension. It'll be fine. I'd like totally do it later.

Stop. Do your friggin' taxes now. That was a really good fashion voice. Did you like it? You do that more frequently, please. Yes, every show from now. Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Dr. P. Jesus.

The 93X Half-Assed Morning Show. Hello, and welcome to or welcome back to the 93X half-fast morning show. We're checking in here at 829. Our next guest is a real doctor, and by God he's willing to help Dr. James Parnell. Hello, Dr. P. Good morning. Today is National Herpes Awareness Day. I know.

You were aware. Yeah, I knew it was about five minutes ago when I got here. Yeah, you got my card in the mail, right, Dr. P? Right, no. It's funny. I always celebrate sexually transmitted infection month in April. Like I put on a lot of parties. Yeah, you're worthless in May.

I know. Exactly. No, I did not know that. But it's exciting. It is exciting. For us. Yes. Happy Herpes Day to you, Dr. P.

We're going to try our best to make today the first ever STD edition of our Dr. P segment. We have a few sexually transmitted disease-related questions ready for you. Questions from our dirty, promiscuous listening audience. But we can always use a few more. If you have an STD-related question or concern, text us at 651-9-89-933-93-9. It's very unique what we're doing here. We've never really tried to focus on one specific subject, but I think on Herpes Awareness Day, I think it's quite fitting.

No, this is groundbreaking. And plenty of texts are related to herpes. We were talking about it earlier, and there's quite a few people who have an experience with it, or a close call. Absolutely. And it's also not something people love talking about. So anonymous texts of radio are a way to hear some questions.

Did you just say a close? Call, Josh? Because that brings up one of my favorite texts we've received so far. A guy texted in to say, here we are headed towards Halloween. He said on Halloween a few years ago, I almost hooked up with a gal who was dressed as Hulk Hogan. Would you consider that a close call? Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure what you were going to get there hooking up with a gal dressed as Hulk Hogan for Halloween. I love that she's a big restaurant. wrestling fan, but maybe there's... Just ask her to take the fake mustache off first, maybe? No, no, keep it on. Keep it on. Did I almost get herpes?

The guy says? I don't know. I don't know. You said the word anonymous, and that's how this person would like to remain. Yeah, for sure. Please keep this anonymous. Oh, my God. As a female, I was vaccinated for HPV when I was younger,

regular get SDI tested, especially when I'm sexually active. Oh. I was not sexually active for about two years when I turned 30. During that time, I had another STI panel done and was positive for HPV when I was always negative a 4. How can I be negative for years and then positive during the time I was not sexually active? What the hell happened there? Toilet seat. Yeah, I've been telling you guys for years it's the toilet seats.

My gyno told me they don't test for HPV until a person turns 30 because it's so common. She related it to testing for a cold virus during every panel. It seems sketchy to me do I need to change doctors. No, no, it is, yeah, that's interesting. It is because, so human papillomavirus, so that's what causes, it causes warts of any kind, but the kinds we worry about when it comes to herpes awareness day are the ones that basically cause changes to the cervix or genital warts. But the ones that cause changes to the cervix is what increases the risk of cervical

cancer, and that's why women have pap smears and have testing for that stuff. Yeah, that can be serious stuff. Totally, yeah, yeah. I mean, you don't. That's what a pap smear test for? A pap smear test for cervical cancer, which our understanding of that has evolved, even since I was in medical school. I mean, it was thought to be associated with human papillomavirus.

Now I think it's basically thought that is the cause. There could be rare other causes, but human papillomavirus causes, basically a cause, it gets on to the cervix. and it causes changes that basically, and we've talked about this before, changes that anytime a body is trying to react to some irritant or problem and cells are trying to turn into something

and protect themselves, then there's a chance for them to grow abnormally. And so that's kind of the model there. So HPV vaccine is, you know, is a pretty revolutionary thing. It can help provide immunity against some of the strains of human papillomavirus that cause the high risk strains, basically, the ones that tend to cause cervical cancer.

It's not perfect. And, yeah, the testing strategy at this point in terms of pap smears and screening and all that, for women under 30, HPV screening at the time of PAP smear is not part of the algorithm because it is so common. you do have PAP smears and you may have testing if you have an abnormal one to actually look for the HPV. But the problem is, well, it's actually a confusing discussion because that testing strategy has evolved over years based on kind of what can you do with the information. You can't get rid of HPV. So all you can do over time is monitor.

and then if there are changes to the cervix, you can treat that basically, essentially similarly to how you would treat a ward on the skin, freezing it, burning it, cutting it. Shaming it. I mean, shaming is unfortunately not effective against human papillomavirus. Talking dirty to it. I don't have a degree. It worked well with me when my parents raised me that way. It guided me to act a certain behavior, a certain way, but HPV does not respond.

Okay. So, so no. her doctor is correct. And I know that that probably sounds weird, but it's because the logic of it is complicated. Yeah, and it's hard for me to sum it up. But basically, you know, you can't, if it's there, you can't get rid of it easily.

Okay. But the young women, their body often does get rid of it. That's the thing. Naturally. Yeah. So you don't really want to be looking for it aggressively other than looking for, evidence of injury to the cervix with the pap smear.

Okay. Because a young woman's body can often eliminate it. Just kick it out. Yeah. Did not know that. So you said HPV? Yeah, human papillomavirus. Has no cure.

It does not. No, I mean, just like herpes. Basically viruses. That leads us to our next question. Which STDs are curable and which are not? STIs. People have been texting insinid. I mean, it's true.

When did that change? Why is it? Exactly. And it's, I am terrible with that. It's just, I've always called it sexually transmitted disease. It is sexually transmitted infection. Fair enough. Or it could be sexually transmitted illness. Which ones can we rid ourselves of and which can we not? Yeah, basically bacterial ones, you can. So gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis are all treatable with antibiotics. Goneray and chlamydia, you know, they can cause all sorts of bad stuff, but they don't, but it's generally isolated to your reproductive organs. So not good, but, and they're becoming more and more resistant to antibiotics, so. Oh, they're fighting harder than ever. Are those like the itchy, Bernie, mucky stuff coming out type of things?

Yeah, yeah, but it can also, you know, especially for a woman, it can cause infections getting up into the uterus or abdomen or, you know, even up around the liver. I mean, there's just because of the anatomy. You threw down with some frat boy and now a sudden your liver is in jeopardy. Right. That shouldn't happen. So basically viral ones are the ones that we cannot completely treat. I mean, HIV is a great example.

We can't get rid of it. But in the last, I guess, 35 years, wasn't it? It was basically 1990 or so? I mean, that it became, you know, Is it no longer a death sentence? I mean, it seems like it's not as big a deal as it was when we were growing up. It's something that can be chronically controlled. Yeah, I mean, and the medication regimens have gone from, you know,

you had to take medicine, you had to have a timer or a watch that would remind you to take it six times a day. Now it's one pill a day or even injectable things. So it's a controllable illness. Herpes, you can be on medication to suppress it. But yeah, to actually get rid of it, not so much. You can live with it now, right? A friend of mine's dad sadly passed from it. He had a terrible car accident, got a total blood transfusion.

All of his blood was replaced, and they weren't testing for it at that time. Yeah, back then. So he got it and he passed not too long after that. Yeah, it is, no, it's a chronic illness treated with medication that seems to work very effectively. That's good. Yeah. Next question for Dr. on this

STI-only edition of his visit to the Half-Ass Morning Show. Oh, I love this question. From a female listener, what problems could result from unprotected anal sex with my husband

or in a pinch some other gibrony? Okay, what... What problems could result from unprotected anal sex with my husband or in a pinch some other jabroney.

Well, I mean, there's nothing specific about anal sex that I would say is more or, well, that's not maybe true. You might be, if anything, you're more likely to potentially. Can you get E. coli? I mean, well, she get E. Coal. No, yeah. Not in a, I mean, there definitely can be contamination issues, but I guess it's more just, if she's wondering about sexually transmitted illness. in vaginal versus anal sex, I'd say there's not a great difference. I have always heard that when you go backyard ski, you're pretty much doubling up your chances of

getting one of those ultra-comfortable UTIs. Well, I mean, as a guy? Yeah. Well, yeah, for sure. I mean, she's speaking of, I think she's speaking of herself or her husband, anybody, anyone involved. Anyone involved in this anal sex? Right.

I would say, if anything, you're increasing your risk just because the tissues involved in the rectum and colon are really good at absorbing things. And it's a great way for bacteria and viruses to proliferate. The vagina is sort of, you know, it's evolved over all these years to try to accept sperm and get rid of everything else. It's not perfect at it, but it's pretty darn good at it. that is not what the other end is for. So, yeah, I mean, if she and her husband do not have any, I mean, if they're with other people and bringing potential STIs into the mix, it'll just increase her risk of getting that. Obviously, a little game of Russian roulette there. Yeah, yeah, any other jabroney.

You definitely want to use a condom to decrease the risk, but yeah, the thrust of the question is certainly anal sex is not safe. in terms of avoiding I wouldn't want butt herpes. That sounds terrible. And I mean, and just to fill out that equation, oral sex is also not really safer because you can get herpes,

gonorrhea, comedia. What about bronchitis? Here's a question that says, can I get bronchitis from going downskies on a gal who had the clap? No, I mean. So the clap

Why bronchitis? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, so bronchitis is a lung infection. I've not heard of that. I mean, I guess if you were immunocompromise, maybe someone who was... I have no idea. I don't know why he's talking about bronchitis.

No, yeah, you're not going to get bronchitis from it. Man, you've got a terrible cough. Well, I went to Alexandria over the weekend and I went down on a gal. I should add one more thing about the, in terms of treatable versus non-treatable. Cephalus is a bacteria. and can be treated amazingly with penicillin, of all things. Penicillin. It's like, we don't use penicillin for anything.

That's the old thing that's been around since World War II, basically. Or maybe even earlier. And you can treat it, but the problem is syphilis. If you don't treat it early, it gets into lots of other parts of your body like your brain and can cause all sorts of problems. So it needs to be caught and treated early. And syphilis was sort of a thing. I feel like it was, we were winning the battle against syphilis for a long time.

And I'm not sure we are anymore. It's more, they're ganging up on us. They're ganging up on us. More common than it was for a long time, yeah. My damn. 651-9893-93. If you have an STI-related question or concern for Dr. P. Jesus on this all-Sty edition of the Ask Dr. P. segment.

Do you recommend a loose or snug-fingisor? fitting condom. In what world would you ever want a loose-fitting one? It's loose for comfort. They make snug-fitting condoms? Well, I think it probably just depends on the size of the condom versus the size of you. I thought there was a conversation. I thought they were all loose in my experience.

They make finger condoms you could try that aren't really meant for sex, but they're meant to cover up a cut finger if you work in like culinary. You've tried those too. Did you ever wear a finger condom, Josh, when you were in the culinary field? No, I didn't. They didn't invent those back in those days. I mean, I'm not sure that's legit. You know, you probably need to have a glove on. I thought I remember.

I tried to thimble still. Too much room. Now, I was in sex ed in 1986, for Christ's sake. This is a long time ago. But I thought there was some verbiage when the teacher was telling us about condoms, something about leaving yourself a little extra room there. Oh, yeah, at the tip. Oh, yeah, at the tip.

Oh, well, yeah, that's right. To catch everything. Right. And I think, I mean, some condoms are. We were taught that. Some condoms are made with a reservoir. There you go, a reservoir. That's right.

Yeah, I don't know. And I don't think that was comfort so much. It's just, it's somewhere to catch the. Oh. Right. For things to be caught without rupturing the condom, I guess, is the idea. Boy, those some bitches snap. They do.

Taking them off is gross. I'll just be honest with you. I mean, for a second. Yeah. They're important, everybody. You don't like the removal process? No, no, no, no. What the hell is the matter of it?

It's the most fun part for me. Just remove it like we do with, you know, like medical gloves. I have a lot of laps with that. Hi, everybody. Hi. Dr. P. Jesus. Welcome to the half-assed morning show for 93X. Word up and word life.

It's the all-STI edition of our Ask Dr. P segment. Our listeners are just itching to ask you about what's going on in their underwear is, Dr. P. It's been lots of fun. It's well said. I like the attitude involved in some of the questions that have been texted. And the attitude behind some of the questions. Another young lady, what is the accuracy of the morning after pill as opposed to the good old-fashioned routine of relying on the drunk guy to properly put a condom on his unimpressive pee? What is the accuracy of the morning after pill versus the drunk guy wearing the condom?

The efficacy issues must be talking about? I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't. Well, that's a good question. I mean, the drunk guy wearing the condom is not great. It's not. Even condom use, you know, doing it by the book just like they taught you in junior high. You know, rolling it on, leave an extra room at the tip, not, you know, taking it off right after, not laying around there.

I'd have to look up what the rate is, but it's less than 90% effective, I think. Huh. Whereas, you know, birth control pill is much higher. IUD is the highest, basically, so intrauterine device. But the morning after pill, I mean, I guess I hate to think of it as just, it's not, I mean, it is contraception. It does basically prevent ovulation and or implantation. you were already ovulating. Okay.

But it's highly effective, too. More so than a rubber, you think? Well, especially a rubber. I mean, it is, yes, it is. That's very interesting. And I don't know if I have time to look that up, but it's, yeah, I mean, even perfect condom use is not, it's not as great as you would think.

But it's better than, you know, the rhythm method where you're, you know, keeping track of menstrual cycle that can be done, really well if people are like measuring their, women are measuring their basal body temperature and calculating when they're going to, um, did I say menstruate? I meant ovulate. Um, because that we, if women are not near ovulation, they're not going to get pregnant. But that's still not perfect. Wow. I'd learn that as the rhythm method. Right. I mean, that's, that's certainly one way to call it that. Is that what they call it? Yeah, the withdrawal method,

we definitely know it's not good. Ashley, you got anything to say about all these different methods? Nothing really works. I feel like nothing really works. Nothing has 100% guarantee that you're not going to get pregnant. I think a lot of people forget that you can get pregnant from the thing that happens before the grand finale. Sure. The pre-what's it called? Exactly.

So sometimes we need to have the con-rearrival. I know a couple people that have. I know I know what you mean. I know a couple people that have kids because of that. That's terrible. I thought Dr. P. I thought that the plan B didn't work. if you were already ovulating?

I mean, it's not ideal, but I believe it still can because it, I mean, one of the things it does is overrides the body's ability to allow implantation of, I mean. I heard it makes you pretty sick. I've never had to take one, thankfully. It's relatively high dose. I've taken plenty. Yeah, and you felt fine. You felt fine. That's good. It made your breasts look great, though. Very perky.

It's high dose. I mean, it depends which one you're doing, but you're taking multiple birth control pills at the same time, essentially. So it's a high dose of estrogen and progesterone. Yeah, that could definitely make women feel sick. Oh, I have to tell you guys something crazy. Go ahead. I had a friend in high school,

and him and his girlfriend would have sex all the time, and they didn't like using condoms. She wasn't on birth control. And so she would take a plan B, every time they had sex. I mean, she was taking like 20 a month, Dr. B. And I was like, this cannot be good for your hell. That sounds pretty bad.

This should not be used as an every day or every time type of. When plan B is plan A, that's not. That's why it's called plan B. That's not great. Because, yeah, you're taking really high doses of birth control pills, which is high doses of estrogen and progesterone, and that can cause problems. How about that?

Yes, somebody here said that his wife was, on birth control, they use the withdrawal method, and still she got pregnant. Gosh, her child. I know two people that got pregnant on birth control. Oh, yeah, no, I mean, women can get pregnant on the pill for sure. There's plenty. I mean, I've heard plenty of stories of that. And I wonder, should we, since it is herpes aware of this day, I mean, basically, for those of you who think you may have herpes or do have herpes, there are, you know, it is definitely worthwhile having a frank discussion with your physician because you can decrease your own outbreaks.

You can dramatically lower the risk of passing it on to a partner. And it might just be a Zit. I mean, it might be. And that is actually one of, I just, you know, looking up the fact that it was herpes awareness day. Sorry. Some people are misdiagnosed. And so that's an interesting thing that I hadn't thought of. So say, well, someone does have herpes.

they get with a new partner and that partner says, well, that's great because I have a history of herpes as well, but they actually were misdiagnosed and they never did have herpes. So they may not use the prevention. And then they really will have herpes. So you don't necessarily want to assume that's what it is. Sure. I mean, the best way to test is to test when you have an outbreak because it's definitive. Antibody tests that you could do on blood can be a little misleading. but it's worth having a very frank discussion and also just, you know, living responsibly with it if you do have herpes. Be responsible, he says, Cubby. Yeah, tell people when you have it.

If you sluts would just wait till marriage and only have sex, trying to procreate. Who are you calling the slut? You. Oh, dang it. You know, we've got a... There's a listener in our audience who broke his pecker in bed with a girl. and then that same girl a couple days later gave him an SDD. He said, worst week ever.

Oh, man. That is a bummer. That's a double shot. Is she mad at him? Or what the hell? Oh, God. Yeah, I'm lucky. I've never had an issue there, thank goodness.

The broken or? Oh, I had an issue there. I mean, like an STI or whatever. Oh, yeah. I mean, well, you're lucky. I feel very lucky. Where'd you go to school, Dr. P? Yeah, for medical school or undergraduate?

Or either. Where'd you go to law? like real college. Brown University. Not Brown College, but Brown University. The Rhode Island. Rhode Island, Ivy League school, right? It is. This is just for fun. A listener was just joking around asking, you know, what college campus has the... Oh, the highest? Highest number. I don't think it's Brown. St. Cloud. What? The highest number of STI. I'm sure that's... Oh, you did? I'm guessing you could... Yeah, I looked it up because I didn't figure you'd have any idea. Yeah. And kind of pouncing on you with a tough question.

question there. And I'm sure if you went to 100 different websites you'd probably find 100 different answers for this question. But the website that I looked up said Pennsylvania. That's also a Ivy League school. Is it not? University of Pennsylvania is. Yeah. Yeah.

So people like to be dirty too. But I mean, I think we all would expect to see Arizona State, you know, USC, Arizona, the party schools. You would think. Madison, things like that. Huh. It says here Pennsylvania Let's see if there's any other.

Is this Brown University on there? I don't see it. Marquette, that's a Milwaukee school. That's nearby. Duke. Oh, my God. Weird. Like, hmm.

Vanderbilt. I also think you have to be quite smart to get into Van. Southern Methodist and Texas Christian. Well, that's not very Christian to be passing STDs. Oh, that's just bad. Notre Dame. What? You know, that's funny.

I mean, maybe it's like, I mean, people who are smart in some ways maybe think they can get away with stuff and they're wrong. It could be. So if you're smart. You can't get away with it. No. Tell us about. Karma and Chlamydia will catch up with you. Exactly.

Quickly before we go, tell us about the wildest time you ever had at Brown University out there in Rhode Island. Wildest time you ever had. I mean, there was an annual event at one of the, it wasn't a frat house. It was, what do they call it? A whorehouse? No, it wasn't that either. It was an off-campus house. Waffle house?

No. But anyway, they had the naked party every year. Did you go? You didn't go naked because you might get arrested. But once you were there, you got naked. And you went to this party. I did. And you got naked.

It kept my shoes on every time. I always leave the shoes on at the kegger. It was actually, it was a fascinating experience. Everybody was naked. Yeah. So you would think it would be like the most highly sexualized environment ever, but it actually. Were you all doctors? Maybe that's why it wasn't sexualized?

No, it's just when everybody's naked, they're sort of like, whether it's just overwhelming or nothing really stands out anymore. It was weird. Oh, that means. It was actually, it was eye opening in multiple ways. How long did you stay at the naked party? Good five, six beers? Yeah, I think so. For the first couple years, then there were starting to be some kind of weird people showing up as it got.

Sure. You know, people who were more like, you don't even go here. Yeah, people go. Talkers, yeah. Did you turn around real quick and spin around and maybe did you knock into anybody? I mean, the thing is, yeah, you were bumping into every. What were you doing? Like, was it a dance party or what was happening?

I mean, it was, there was people dancing. There's people talking, people drink. There were people body painting. That's great. That's great. But yeah, it's a lot of sweaty people. It's actually kind of gross, really. Sure, I could never, never.

Hey, thanks, Dr. P. For your advice and your story. Yeah, great to be here. Dr. P handed me a shout out this morning. This is a first. The first time you've ever handed it in a shoutout. And I recognize this Jesus name.

Good luck to Audi Parts Jesus. He's got to have urgery Wednesday to fix a wee little bone in his wrist, which he fractured while, quote, butt surfing under his motorcycle through turn three up at Brainerd International. What happened there? He was just going fast. He's a very, very fast rider who races and had a fall that he has not had. So he was suddenly under his motorcycle trying to get the hell. That's not where you want to be.

Poor guy. But fortunately, he only hurt his scaphoid bone and his wrist, which is an annoying little bone that does off a knee surgery. But very good guy, and I hope it goes well for it. Yeah, me too. Half-assed morning show. It's not just the swearing. Did one of you fornicate?

Fornicate? Look, I've boned a lot of chicks in my time, sure. But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody. I think back to those high school dances. Sure, we showed up pretty loaded for the football games

and the hockey games, right? But we really showed up loaded for the dances. And how did some of these grown folks not just, I mean, my guess is they just didn't care. Yeah. You know, they'd been teachers

for 25 years. They've seen moron high school kids drunk a million times. And at that point in their career, they just didn't care anymore. If we were, I'd like one kid's a dance. Right.

Because they could have called us out every single time. And they didn't. See, I'm jealous of your situation. We had a cop present at the entryway of the dance. And he eyeballed you and thought that you were drinking. He'd pull you aside and breathalize you. And a lot of kids never made it into the dances. Sucks to be your generation.

I know. Sucks. Mm-hmm. Yeah, we would get like side-eyed by some of the teachers, but we would take that as a sign as, all right, we need to get out of here. We've got like five minutes until they call someone. God. I remember one of those high school dances.

I showed up just destroyed. And I'm so embarrassed, Josh. I mean, how just, where it was completely obvious to everyone, were you able to hide it a little bit? Oh, it had to have been obvious. Slurring up a storm? Where I'm going with this is once I got into the Catholicians, Feteria, which is where our dance floor was for the high school dance, I, uh, oh God.

I was all, I don't know what I was, it must have been hard liquor. Because I've told you before that beer has always been my thing. But when you're a high school kid, you take what you can get. It must have been booze that I got whipped up on in this particular night. Because I came into that dance just guns blazing. I'm running around the damn. This is what I did. This is what still kind of haunts me to this day.

I went, you know how it is at a high school dance, or any dance for that matter, you know, like a dance club. There are different circles of people, right? Friends, dancing with each other. I broke into every circle to show them what I could do. What do you think of this right here, you know, to the latest hit by Salton Peppa or whoever the hell was hot. when I was in her.

And I, what about this group over here? What do you think? And I'm just pouring sweat. It's just so dumb. By the end of the night, I had danced with everybody from my high school to show of what the...

Wow. That's great. It was like I was on Coke. So it must have been hard liquor because beer never did that. But I remember, I just remember little clips of some people thought it was very funny.

Others did not. I bet. But I'm out there just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, busting out all my best stuff. It's so embarrassing. I had a buddy who had a bad experience at a school dance. He smoked a bunch of weed and drank a bunch of Red Bull before going into that school dancing.

He wasn't much of a weed smoker. And midway through the dance, we were out, hey, where did Stack go? I don't see him. Where is he? Where do you go? We don't hear from him. We don't hear from the next day. He got so paranoid.

He ran seven miles home, and his parents found him barricaded in the laundry room. So he had some kind of flip out. What? That is a crazy combination. No. Oh, so unsettling. Kid just needed some Doritos in a dark room. Well, he found the laundry room.

He barricaded himself in there. Oh, I just like picture a young kid like army crawling into the house. He thought the cops were coming for him. But I redeem myself at the next dance, Josh.

made a jackass out of myself dancing around. Couldn't stop dancing. But the following dance, whatever, a couple months later, I redeemed myself, Josh, by winning the Air Guitar Championship. Oh, that's where you won that thing. That's my game. That's my friggin' game. You got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off,

and win an Air Guitar competition. That's how you turn life around. That's been my game. from the get-go. When you get yourself in a hole, you stop digging, you put the shovel down, and you pick up an air guitar.

Yeah. The DJ at our high school dance said, who wants in on the air guitar contest? And this will settle it, he said. This is the air guitar championship of the world for the year 1988. And I said, I'm in, right? And a few other brave souls said,

I'd like to try this too. And then the DJ said, well, the song we're going to play is shook me all night long by ACDC. And that's when I looked at the crowd and said, this friggin thing is over. It's over. Because I knew every air guitar lick for ACDC kiss.

I mean, that's that. It couldn't have been an easier path for me at that point. And I looked at the crowd and said, don't even get involved. This friggin' contest is over. Them giving you ACDC was like Cliffy getting in his dream board on Jeopardy and Cheers. When it was all categories that he specifically knew. everything about. Taylor

made celibacy, living with your mom, U.S. Postal Service. I don't remember that, but I love any reference to cheers. Did you set that up with the DJ or he just picked that point? That's awesome. Everything fell into place

for me at that point, Cubby, and I said to myself, I'm going to make everyone forget about my dancing. Everybody hated the DJ in our middle school dance. Oh, I hated them too. Oh, I bet yours especially Josh, had a lot of restrictions on what he could play. Oh, I did. He did. Yeah. Yeah.

I hated the DJs too. Why did you hate the DJ? No, it wasn't necessarily me. Oh. I mean, well, I take that back. I hated the DJ the most, but so did everybody else at those high school dances. Well, I hated them because they would only play the latest pop hits, and we would all, again, come in very drunk and demand Van Halen, Motley Crew, Ozzy Osbourne and Megadeth. I would always say, no, I'm not playing any of that crap. This is a friggin dance.

Well, that was what the problem was. It was the opposite. Our DJ, I would play, he would play, like, heavy metal stuff instead of, like, whatever the hottest, like, the red, red wine or something like that. UB. 40. Okay, why would he do that? That's odd for a junior high DJ to play acid rock. Well, I think the reason is, is I was, he was a huge fan of that music and just kind of played the music he liked. So you're saying you were the DJ?

Well, I don't know how you get that out of this conversation, but yes, I was. Yes, I was the high school DJ. Excuse me, the middle school DJ. And I just got done saying that I hated them. Well, that must have been fun. Well, it was for me and like two, three of my friends. But yeah, I realized now maybe I should have considered the audience. Okay.

Instead, you know, at that age, I thought I was giving them a real education into Ozzy Osias, born in Metallica and Megadeth. I would have done the same thing. I would have been excited, Josh. I would have loved you as a DJ. I would have done the same thing, Josh. You want to show everybody, hey, look, number one, I am hard. Right? And number two, I know all of this music.

You don't even understand. You don't even get it. I'm going to teach you. I would have been the same guy. I did play, you shook me, though. That definitely was on the list. I played that one. Well, that's a never-fail party song, right?

We always had some like random stranger Like that didn't work at the school Wasn't a student It was always some like I don't know like 40 year old dude They actually hired for a couple hours Well yeah I didn't I've never heard of a student being the DJ

That is so cool it's like the movies We always had yeah some 35 year old guy Who was a professional DJ Absolutely I would have done the same thing Josh I was effing notorious In high school and even in to college where when a house party kicked in

when I walked in I took over the music even if I didn't know the guy or girl I would go to their stereo and say no we're not doing this we're doing this just a total dick I

personally I could not tolerate drinking and having fun to bad music so I would just be a prick and take over the stereo at house parties, at house parties, even people I didn't even know. And I almost got my ass kicked a few times for it.

But I said, look, this is a friggin party. We're not going to, especially in the 90s, I'm not going to listen to Toad the Wet Sprocket at a keg party, right? Well, they have a couple good tunes. No, they do not have a couple good tunes. They do. We're not listening to that was me. I took over once, and then nobody liked the song I chose

and it started to be like. Like, who played this? This sucks. And so ever since then, I never took that chance again. Did you join in and berate? Just kind of look around? Who was that? Definitely.

Well, I'll tell you what, I made the mistake of changing the channel on Chris Tucker's radio. He had some things to say. Oh, man. He was enraged with me. I think it's on video somewhere. Yeah, he was very upset. I mean, I especially really pissed off the hip people.

at these college parties. You know, the college crowd likes to stay as hip and trendy as possible. So where I really got into trouble was when the 90s kicked in, you know, and everyone turned to Nirvana and Pearl Jam and what do you call that band Soundgarden and whatnot, right? And I hated all that stuff. Hated it. So I would walk into a house party that was playing Nirvana

and take the CD or the cassette tape right out and throw in Van Halen, things like that. That's what really pissed people off. They would say this, you know, this stuff doesn't, Van Halen doesn't matter anymore. So that's where I really pissed him off. I'm probably the only guy ever that interrupted Nirvana for TNT, everyone's a star.

Do you even recall that star at all? Oh, absolutely, yeah. Everyone's a star. I mean, the cheesiest 80s pop metal, I just threw that right on top or in place. of Nirvana and the whole crowd turned and said TNT, everyone's a star. What are you a friggin idiot? The 93X

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