93X Half-Assed Morning Show - ("Best Of"): Oops! All Stupid News

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

The Best of the Half-Assed Morning Show.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well.

Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. The comfort you deserve since 1930. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. All right, we're back. I'm ready to cut loose with the stupid news. First, I wanted to roll through a couple of text messages that have come our way.

651, 989, 93 of the Luther, Bloomington, Kia text line. We call it. You can reach us damn near any time. We were talking about, oh, Christmas, traditions, Christmas. trends that might be falling by the wayside in the last few years. One of them being writing the obnoxious self-serving family Christmas letter and sending it out to everyone you know so you can brag about what a gorgeous life that you and your family lead.

Got a text message from a listener who says, my nut job sister would always write a Christmas letter to send out to everybody. and each year she would write it in the perspective of one of her pets. I've heard about that. I love that. I love that. I want to be crazy like that. Come on.

I was going to mention that earlier, but I forgot. Yes, some people write in the perspective of their pet, or they'll kind of talk about their pets' life over the past year. Oh, gosh, could you imagine what mine would say, like, my dog ate her foot this year. She cost me $3,000 in vet bills. Here's my Venmo. Merry Christmas, everybody.

It's me, Maggie, the Springer Spaniel. I want somebody in my life that does that. I would get such a kick out of that. Let me tell you about what my mommy and daddy have been up to this year. Are you kidding me? You throw that in the garbage. They shut me out of the bedroom quite a bit. Do you do that?

Oh, I don't even want to know. Sorry. Retract that statement. Strike from the record. Don't want to know One out of three has to stay in there The crippled one has to be there The only talking pet that I want to hear about

Is that cat who talks about his poopies And his peepies That cat is so good That has changed my life That particular ad Yes I say that way too much at home He is the best voiceover artist on the planet

Whoever that is He delivered that perfectly It is cold this morning cold weather has set in. Josh, one of our listeners, sent in a text and said, this is dig through five inches of car heart to find two inches of pecker weather. That's true. Five inches of car heart, two inches of pecker, he says.

Medical device Jesus said he has a friend who maintains his dog's Facebook page and it's hilarious. Oh, that's very common these days, especially on industry. Oh, is it really? Does he post articles about how he hate squirrels in the mailman like medical device? He hates squirrels in the mailman, you guys. That's fun. I told you the story, speaking of the cold weather, the story about the old alleries. Boy, we used to go drink our nuts off at the old alleries in St. Paul and then somehow find our way home safely in the West Metro, which is the best metro. This was a number of years ago when I made the mistake of going to that silly, uh, Let's watch a bunch of Swedes fall down a hill while wearing ice skates events.

Oh, yeah. Oh, what a joke that crap was. So cold. We went to, well, I don't care if it was 80 degrees. That stuff was one of the worst sporting events I've ever. Anyway, but it was cold as balls that night. And we walked from wherever they hosted the Swedes falling down a hill while wearing ice skates event, wherever they hosted that. We walked our way back to Alarice, and it was cold.

and there was more than a few dudes looking to use the pisser once we got into Allerries, right? Line out the door. And when I got myself maybe two, three dudes shy of having a chance to actually use the toilet, there was a guy who was right there pressed up against the urinal. He's wearing about six inches of snowsuit, jacket, Carhart, right? Yeah. He was digging and digging and digging into the crotch of his snow pants. And he finally had to say it out loud.

He had to, because he was taking so long. And the crowd's like, come on, brother. The dude finally said out loud something along the lines of, gentlemen, I apologize, but I literally cannot find my penis in here. I know it's in here somewhere. I left the house with it. Yes. I've had that same conversation with my penis.

Like, come on, man. just for a second. Get out here just for a second. I mean, the dude even got kind of bow-legged. He kind of even squatted down. He's like looking down. Like, there's so bitch is it. I know it's there because I have to urinate. There's got to be something. All right. On to the stupid news. We're going to fire this pig up by talking about to IRS. The Internal Revenue Service, I believe, is their full God-Givism. name. They almost killed Josh

a number of years ago. They almost killed Cubby. He was audited. Little did they know they were going after the most straight-laced peckerhead in town, but they found nothing. But the pressure of it all, the pressure of it all almost killed you dead. And it lasted only two years. You didn't have a solid bowel

movement or erection for weeks. Not at all. And usually I can combine those two things quite easily, but neither one happened. You were amaciated. Oh, yeah. You were pale and thin, the stress, the worry. So I kind of got a kick out of it? Yeah, there was some amusement.

I'll admit, there was some fun in watching you suffer. Just a little bit of fun. But they kind of angered me. The IRS kind of angered me the way they treated you. Well, I will say this. In their defense, I got a letter from like the king of the IRS locally or whatever he is. Sure. And he did apologize saying, hey, you know what?

We biffed this one. Sorry about that. You got an apology. I did, yes. Well, then I'm not so mad anymore. Do they slide in like Arvey's gift card or anything in the envelope? No, but they charged me $300 in postage for him sending that to me. Did you forgive them after reading the letter?

Yeah, I mean, I knew, like some of this stuff wasn't their fault. I mean, so I told this before. So basically my tax lady had told me this was a random audit, right? They just picked some schlub, and I happened to be the plebe of the day. And so I get this thing in the mail, right? The plebe. And there was, I haven't talked about a lot of this, but it was a really bad couple of years. Some pretty terrible stuff happened.

So when I got this, I actually kind of laughed. I'm like, okay, just keep coming. Why not? Why not bring more on this? And so I get the audit. I call the tax lady. She kind of tells me, don't worry about it. We'll get this taken care of.

You're completely fine. The first guy got fired. He messed up some stuff up or whatever it was. and he was really aggressive. You know, it was the first one, so he was really trying to nail somebody. The first guy who was... The first person that was in charging with you.

Yeah, well, I never talked to anybody until the king emailed. Oh, okay. Or sent me a letter. He ends up getting canned after six months. Somebody else does it. It's going on for a while. Well, she goes on maternity leave. Oh.

So then they got to start again. And eventually, I just basically mailed in a white flag. I said, I give up, charge me whatever you want. I can't do this any. I'll do the prison time. And in that process, my hard drive failed, which had my information on it, which of course made me look completely guilty. Sure.

Like, oh, is that right? There's a company in town. I called them. I'm like, can you please fix my hard drive? And the guy said, no problem. But if I crack it open, that's $600 right there. And I can't guarantee I'm going to find any info. So with the IRS, they're like it's going to cost you less just to be fined a, what do they

call it, a bad record keeping fee. Huh. So, yeah. That's how it ended. You paid a bad record keeping fee. So if I could just recommend it, don't get audited. Do your best not to get audited. The IRS.

And the best way to do that is just don't pay your taxes. That's what I've. Yeah. Work from Wesley Snipes. Not for long. He had a good run there for a while. The IRS. Word is they got a new gig they're going to go ahead with.

Says here, IRS agents, now being paid to watch porn at work. Well, isn't that just my luck? Here comes this deal, and I am not an IRS agent. I'm not even close to an IRS agent. Agents are now going to be paid to watch porn at work. Here's what they're doing over there to IRS. Is auditing people's only fans accounts to make sure they're compliant, so some agents will be paid to watch porn. This is all because of something called the new no tax on tips law that Congress apparently passed this summer. There's something in there that says you still have to pay taxes on tips earned from, quote, pornographic activity, if you follow that. I don't know if I even understand what I'm saying, but I have a little understanding or knowledge of it because my daughter, she does hair.

Oh, for God's sake. I thought you had some big news there. Oh, about the other thing? No, no, no. I thought you were going to say my daughter now does pornography. No, no, no, that's disgusting. Well, but that's, can you understand why I thought you were headed in that direction? Well, you mentioned tips.

I was talking about tips, so she's paid on tips. Did anyone else think he was going to say his daughter was now involved in pornography? I knew he's talking about the hair stuff. So she's, you know what? Stepdaughter. If it was. Shame on you. Shame on you for thinking such a thing.

but she's the one that brought up or she told me about this and I thought, well, it doesn't sound right. They're really going to do it, but I guess so. So, yeah, she's... I'm sorry, what? I was still picturing your stepdaughter being involved in pornography.

I don't do that. She's a saint. I don't like that either. I feel protective over her. She's too young for you. Stay away from her. Oh, no. And you're married.

You're a married man. Uh-huh. I can't picture other women. What are you doing? None of us do that. He's right. He's right. We never think about other.

All right. So the story mentions here that not everything on OnlyFans is porn. So IRS agents will have to watch the videos to determine whether the person's content is pornographic or not. That surprised me the first time I heard. I thought Only Fans, that's what it was. It's just a porn site. Well, it's damn near all porn. Yeah, I bet that's the most popular ones.

Outside of maybe celebrities showing how they bake or whatever. But I mean, is it like YouTube where somebody can say this is how you fix a lawnmower engine? I suppose. I've never been to only fans, not once.

And what percentage of people, you know, they're having all these year-end, you know, what would you call them, rankings and things like that, showing what you looked at over the year? What percentage of people go to only fans and don't do any porn stuff? And some of them combine it, right?

Look, hey, I'm baking a flambe, and then they're completely nude. Oh, yeah, I could see that happening for sure. Dangerous. There's still no true definition of what porn is. I don't know if you're aware of that or not, but it says here there is still no true definition as to what porn is. So these IRS agents might have to use the old standard of, I know it when I see it. Interesting gig. It's just, okay, I got a boner.

That's porn. Yeah. No boner, not porn. Imagine getting this gig. Honey, I got a promotion at work. Oh, yeah? What are you going to be doing? Watching OnlyFans chicks all day.

Well, that's better. You hear about cops that have to look at some terrible stuff. I mean, just, I can't even imagine having that job. This one sounds much better. On the topic of porno movies, I have a couple of questions. I've wondered once or twice about porn editors, dudes or gals who sit down and edit a professionally filmed porno movie.

Does it even have an effect on them after a while? I doubt it. Probably not. I'd imagine you become immune to it, whatever the word would be. Numb to it? Numb to. I know the word you're talking about. Kind of like how, you know, you'd mention Playboy

just no longer worked for you after a while. Right. Probably the same thing. Like Playboy, I mean, shoot, I remember as a kid, it was like the JCPenney catalog and National Geographic that would get you going. And I'd imagine that's not going to move the needle for anybody. I have another porn-related question. I don't expect any of you used to know the answer. But if you do, obviously, I'd love to hear it.

Maybe I'm throwing this more towards our listeners. Who are the people who sit down and edit porn compilation videos for, say, porn hub? like the Stepsister compilation. It'll be anywhere as between 20 minutes to two hours long. I always figured it was amateurs. Pardon me? I always figured it was like some random person. That's what I figured too.

Is it someone who Porn Hub is paying to edit those compilations? Or is it just some amateur who sits down and watches hundreds of hours of porn movies so the rest of us can watch a slickly edited video of Sasha Gray's most uncarned? comfortable looking BJs. That's a really good question because, yeah, I have always just assumed it's somebody like you or me doing those. But I guess... You know the videos I'm talking about? Yeah, but I guess maybe like it's the, like, you know how there's...

They have all those videos, but it's like a company, like one company will be, will own certain actresses, like videos and all that kind of stuff. So maybe it's like those companies have a guy that does it. I'm certainly hopeful it's a professional. and there's not just some dude sitting around for months watching and watching and watching and then highlighting, okay, that's a good one. Dana, do you know anything about this? Yeah, I do. I don't know who does it, though, but I always assume it was just some guy, some super fan, you know? That's what I, that's, I'm with you guys.

I think it was like some Sasha Gray super fan that, like, put together a highlight reel of his favorite scenes. Josh, now here's something, and I'm sure Josh knows nothing of what we're discussing. He doesn't watch porn movies. Josh, you know that they're, and I wonder who does this now. Who edits the porn music videos? There's porn music videos? You didn't know that. No, like, I'm not surprised.

Like real bands? Yes. Shut up. Yes, and at every high mark of the song, there'll be an explosive money shot. You know what I mean? Is that true? Like, so are they just, like a gimmick bands or these? No, no, no.

I'm talking, I'm talking music video. So a legit song, a legit song. And they just put porn over it. Yes. Oh, okay. So it'll be like, you know, Huey Lewis in the news. Do you believe in love? Splash.

Do you believe it's true? Splash. Do you believe splash, splash, splash, splash. Because I'm making you believe it's true. That's awesome. Yeah, that's different when I was picturing. That's good. By the way, the word we were looking for, thank you, brother and sisterhood is desensitized.

When your D is no longer sensitized to what you're watching. That would suck. Being desensitized to porn? I mean, because I imagine sex can't be that exciting then. Well, do you, so I retract the beginning of the question I was going to ask you. Nick, what, do you have to move on? Do you have to progress now? I mean, you mentioned you progressed from Playboy on to different.

types of porn. Does the type of porn you're watching right now, like down the road, will it be a little more I don't know, gratuitous or whatever you move on to? Are you saying, are you asking whether or not? Right now it's like there's two women, but I bet there could be three, where two women don't do it for you anymore?

I think that would only become an issue if you watched it a lot. All the time. I'm with Ashley. I think if you watch porno all the time, I can only imagine how far those videos have to go to get you off. Well, you said you're someone who could just watch porn.

Yes. And that's it. Yes. So does that mean you're a bit desensitized to it? No. I can still go back to something normal and find it interesting. Okay. It doesn't always have to be a bus load of urinating Japanese Olympic wrestlers.

And that's just like special occasions. Around the holidays. Arbor Day. So to answer your question, it can still be simple and I'll find it interesting. It doesn't have to be extreme. Because I'm not, I'm not. Pardon me? Extreme.

Terrible rock band. Well, no, no, No Vetancourt's one of the best of all time. They had a couple good songs. Only like Ashley said, only I think if you're just some zombie who's masturbating all day long. Only in that situation do I think you're so desensitized that there has to be something outrageous in front of you. And if that's the case, maybe take a little bit of a break. Take a break. That's when you know.

You're going to hurt yourself. You need to take a break. Yeah, actually, you're right. I bet if you can't get it going with porn and you enjoy that with a real person, it's probably pretty difficult. Yeah, I've heard people complain about that before. like guys having porn brain so like they can't they can't perform

with a regular girl because they're like why aren't you doing all these like crazy different things? Where the hell's your mom? Yeah. We've been here for 20 minutes your mom hasn't walked in yet to masturbate while watching us. Can we go down the laundry room and try it there? You got to catch some of those porno music videos

Josh. That does sound pretty funny. For those about to rock. Splash! That's how it goes. Did they ever have like two canons going from either side of the screen. Yeah, there's clever editing. There's split screens. Do they have one with like bloopers? Oh God, you've never seen porn bloopers? No, but you told me about them. Oh, they're fantastic. But aren't some of them kind of gross? Yes, yes. Be careful. Be careful if you ever set down to watch porn bloopers. Because sometimes it's whoops, they pooped.

That's what you told me. And I want no part of that. No thanks. One of my favorites, some of it can be horrible and I've been scarred. But some of it can be so funny and so ridiculous. My favorite being, there was a porno movie being shot on a real live fishing boat. That's safe. Like one of those big old, the stupid television show where all the old guys with the big beards went fishing.

Oh yeah, like a salmon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, one of them big old Alaskan, right? And the gal is on her back, and some dude is just hammering. And like a big old scuba diving oxygen tank comes loose from the wall and pings the lady on her head. And the best part about it is it made the most perfect ping sound when. and it made contact with her skull. She's damn near unconscious. I just had a drinking blooper.

Everything that I was trying to drink while you were talking ended up in my nose. Ouch. I can't even imagine. That must have hurt so bad. The sound was like you were watching a cartoon. It was so perfectly ping, perfectly amplified. And you hear the, what do you call them?

The folks behind the scenes. The director. Oh, Jesus. Cut. Yeah. I need to find this. Take five. She's over there.

Just. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, girl, you stand by me. I want to find this, but I'm afraid to do research on it. I'm forever yours. Splash. Fully.

The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praise. of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency,

fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.

Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bealki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialkylaw.com.

That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C. I hosted the stacking Benjamins podcast. You know what? of us get taxes wrong. Filing your taxes is basically data entry. There's been this trend of people going, oh, it's so cool to file my taxes in August. It's so awesome. Don't worry, I have an extension. It'll be fine. I'd like totally do it later. Stop. Do your friggin taxes now. That was a really

good fashion voice. Did you like it? You do that more frequently, please? Yes, every show from now. Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. This is a hell of a way to start things off. A hell of a way. Two guys are in trouble with the law for, quote, swinging their penises at people. Sounded a little bit like this.

Swinging their penises at people, people including children. Yeah, that's bad. That ain't right. I mean, it was bad to start, but that's really, really, really bad. So what it sounds like here, two lunatics in a town called Perth, wherever that is, it doesn't matter. The two of them... I believe we're talking Australia there.

Australia, that doesn't sound right. The two of them just smooth, walked into someone's backyard. They took out each other's penises, like guy number one. removed guy number two's rod from his pants and vice versa. And then the two maniacs swung their peckers round and round by swiveling their hips. In hopes that someone would notice them, and they were noticed. If I was going to do that, I don't have enough to helicopter,

but that'd be all balls if you're going to see me do that kind of the... What's that game? We used, wallaball we used to have around here? Yes. Yes. Very sexual in nature. Called walla ball. You strap a hoop around your waist, basically, and you have to, there's a ball attached to a string, and you have to get it through the hoop. There are three baskets right where your pecker might be, three little baskets. And like Josh, that a ball on a string, and through pelvic thrusts, you try to hoist that ball into one of the baskets.

Each of the baskets has a different point total. Oh, look, I got 50. Then you hump a little more. I got the 100 point. Funny story, Josh. I'm glad you brought up Wallaball. Did a bar gig many, many years ago at the old Mall of America. Oh, wait a minute.

The Mall of America is still there. Yeah, it's still there. It's old now, though. What I mean, I guess where I was going with that was when the bar scene at the Mall of America was crazy. I was to get jealous when you guys tell these stories. Yeah. I was too young for that. That sounds like so much fun.

That fourth floor was wild. I know. I mean, you might as well have been on Bourbon Street with carpet. It was lawless. It was lawless. So me and one of my ex-radio partners, Mike was his name, we went to do this appearance at one of the bars at the Mall of America. And we assumed it was just going to be get on the mic every once in a while,

give away some concert tickets, right? The bar manager walks up to Mike and I. with that wallaball set up. And he says, hey, have you guys heard of this new game? Walla ball? You strap this around your waist and the three baskets and the ball on a string and you hump away at it. You thrust and the ball goes up into the bag.

He says, I think it would be great if every 10 minutes or so during your appearance here that you guys might play this game up on the stage. It'll be great. So here you go, you guys. Brand new game, Walla Ball. And my old radio partner, Mike just looks dead in his eyes and says, Yeah, we're not going to do that. All right, so here we got these two gibronies.

They walked into somebody's yard, took out their dongs, and were swinging them around in circles. It says here the victims of this terrible display was a, quote, young family. There were little kids in the house that had to see that horrible two-man Dongnato. That's something you probably don't forget. No. At any age, but especially

as a kid. One of the two prick swingers goes by the name of Grant. To pop Grant! He's 39 years old acting like that. That just makes it so much more dumb. They went off the court for

this. Cops were called. The D-swingers went to court. A According to the story, Grant and his partner tried to explain this away by saying that their disgusting public display was a prank. In public, come on. They said it was not a sexual act. They said they were drunk. A gal called Virginia.

It was her property where the worst puppet show ever was put on. Oh, yeah. She said she became physically sick at the sight of the two morons and their crooked, hairy peckers swinging around in circles. She became physically sick. She puked. Gosh, that brings up some gross memories of the puppetry of the penis guys when they came in here a couple times.

Remember you guys telling those stories? I'll never forget the hamburger. Oh, gosh, terrible. Never saw it. Absolutely terrible. They were standing six feet away, but still never saw it. I told him I wasn't going to look, and I meant it. I would have to look.

Are we in the trust tree here? Yeah. It's just the four of us. No one else is listening, right? Yeah. It's based on ratings, yes. About six months ago, we have a living room camera that we used to check in on the dog when we're not home. And my wife was out of town, and I said, oh, hey, pull up your phone and look at what Charlie's doing.

He's being really cute right now. And I did the helicopter dog. You call your penis, Charlie? No, I do it. No. You helicoptered your wife at 40 years old? What in the world? I thought we were in the trust tree.

I asked you specifically. Well, no, we are. Okay. We're not in the no judgment tree. That's what I should have asked. Yes, that's different. I just don't know why you do that for your wife. I was just, you don't know.

Were you drunk? No, I could see my husband doing that. It's silly. A girlfriend or something. How'd she take that? I can't remember her exact reaction. She was shocked. for sure, but I did think she found a little bit of humor in it.

You know, you got to be careful because if that was me and I was like out with some friends or family, I'd be like, oh, guys, look. My dog's going to be doing something cute. Oh, penis. That reminds me of the chat roulette episode of South Park. Penis, penis, penis. That's how it was, yeah. Okay, there's a guy jacking off.

That was the same episode, right? I think so, yeah. Let's get back to the D-swingers real quick. in court these two fellers were referred to as a quote pair of idiots hell grant the D-swinger that I was telling you about

says here he has kids of his own come on how can he even go back home and act like an authority figure after something like that yeah that's daddy why did I see you in a police car today oh I was on someone's property windmilling my penis in circles while children just like you were watching.

He's taking out his penis. Were you all by yourself, Daddy? Oh, no, no. There was another grown man there with me. We were both windmilling our PPs around in a circle in front of children. And you took your own penis out is what you're saying. Now you listen to your daddy. No, no, no.

I had a friend take my penis out as I took his penis out. They're pretty soft on crime there in Perth. It sounds like to me. SAWFT soft. The two jabroney's only received. received fines for exposing their peckers to children. They must have been, I mean, the story mentioned how remorseful they were. One guy was even crying.

You know, his lawyer saying the guy feels like the dumbest person on planet Earth? Yeah, you should. Almost 40 years old. Shame. Yeah, that's shameful. But then again, Dana, you're 40 and you did it. Just do it on your living room camera like a real adult. Yeah, exactly.

Gosh, I really wish you would have been hacked. And that would have made it on Reddit. That would have gone over it, social media. At that point, you've got to just embrace it. It was a private moment on camera between husband and wife. Right. And Charlie. Is that one of those at-home cameras where you can speak through it?

Yes. Okay. I had one of those years ago. Well, I didn't. My girlfriend at the time had one of those years ago. Same concept. So she could keep an eye on the pets, right? Yep.

So I was at her place and I'm watching the television. The cameras, I was taking care of her pets actually. The cameras pointed right at me and suddenly I hear a voice say, hey, what's going on? And it was my girlfriend, right? She could look at her phone, see me sitting in her apartment. She could see the pets and she could speak to me through this little speaker. So she says, hey, what's going on? So now I know she's watching me.

she was with a girlfriend out drinking somewhere. And I didn't know this at the time she told me later. Just for a joke, I looked, I'm sitting in a chair, I looked right into the camera and I started unzipping my pants. And when she got home, she told me she's sitting with this girlfriend. And when I began to do that, her girlfriend went, Oh, hell yeah. He's taken out his penis.

And my girlfriend at the time had to turn to her girlfriend and say, wait a minute, what? Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Here we go. Yeah, the stupid news. We're going to get her going here with a scary story out of Australia. Nobody should have to deal with something like this here. Let me try to piece this together for you, Cubby.

A completely insane woman, probably on bathtub dope. She broke into a married couple's house out of nowhere's swinging around to scissors looking to kill everybody in the house. That's not cool. This happened early in the morning too, right away in the morning. All there was in the house was a married couple. So here comes this crazy lady, into the house, break at dawn, swinging his scissors around. looking to kill anybody who crosses her path.

This married couple had just come to. They'd just woken up. And here she comes. What makes this nightmare stupid newsworthy is if you see the home security camera footage, the husband of the house, fights off the killer lunatic lady, while wearing a tiny set of speedo-looking drawers,

I mean, he's a bigger boy. Yes. It's a good look. And he's wearing a pair of drawers for a third grader. This is all about 93x.com. Appreciate that. He looks ridiculous. He does look ridiculous.

This is why I sleep fully clothed, because if somebody broke in, I'd be too embarrassed to run out there in underwear. I'd have to get dressed. What do you have on when you hit the old sack? I like to wear, like, business casual. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you wear the underwears and the basketball shorts and a T-shirt? Oh, polo, maybe some slack. What do you wear?

Yeah, just pretty much what I'm wearing right now. You wear your underwears and your basketball shorts and a T-shirt. Yeah, and socks. I hate to bring this up. Oh, my gosh. That's honestly the weirdest part of that holds her thing. I hate to bring this up because I know it grosses you out, Josh, but... Is this a sex thing related to you because I should take my headphones off?

No, no, no. It's even worse, I think. Dana, you'd be screwed. They'd have nudes of you. Mm-hmm. Do you still sleep nude? Yeah. Oh, what?

Dana sleeps completely naked. I sleep completely naked. Right. So you're saying if this happened to Dana, he'd be naked on the internet. I have thought about that where I had to get in somebody, there's an intruder in the house and I got to fight him naked or something. Or I got to run out of the house completely naked. That'd be... Like if there's a fire?

Yeah, that'd be ugly. Well, maybe you'd have better luck with an intruder because nobody wants to mess with a naked dude. Right. Yeah, they take one look at me naked and they go, no, no, nothing in this house could possibly be worth it. He's got enough trouble based on his physique here. See, you got to check out this character. It's pretty funny. The husband.

The body type makes it even better. He looks like an old AWA wrestler. Yeah, I mean, facial hair, everything. He's got a big old barrel. You know, he's a bigger boy. Kind of a wild head of gray hair, big old gray goatee. He looks as if he was recently spray-tanned. He looks like he'd be fun to drink with.

Yeah, I bet he can put away a case of. Australian beer before you can say Dick Tracy. But he's got this tiny little pair of drawers on. He just looks silly. Truth is, Tiny there and his wife, they had to fight like hell to keep this escaped mental patient lady

from gutting them both. They say she had superhuman strength, and that's those bathtub drugs, I would imagine. They make you as strong as a mountain gorilla, at least for a little while. The wife by the name of Jane, Mr. Tiny Drawers, he goes by Steve. Jane is the wife. Jane said, I mean, imagine this.

She said, I got out of bed. I left the bedroom, probably going to take a leak or something, and she sees this complete stranger lady standing in the hallway holding his scissors. Uh-oh. Heck no. That's a rude awakening. Jane called the cops. Steve, like I said, dressed as an out-of-work Chippendales dancer.

He sat on her head. He had to wrestle with this unhinged crackhead lady for quite a stretch of time. He sat on her head for about 25 minutes. The police showed up. The crazy lady was arrested. She had meth stashed in her beaver. Yowsers. That's one place to keep it.

That's one. They should, in those dare programs, bring that up to kids. You know, drugs a lot of times are stashed in beavers and beholes. That would keep me away. This guy, two words, no bulge. That's the other thing I'd worry about. Everybody knows he's not got much there. You took a look and he doesn't have much of a bulge?

Yeah, I always start there when I'm looking at a person. Do you zoom in and everything? Yeah, there's some analysis done. It's very cold up there in Australia. Very cold this time of year. any of you's ever taken a ride on a ferry maybe up there in the windy city of Duluth have you taken a ride on a ferry boat? I have, yes. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, it was just at the Niagara Falls. I think that would call it as a ferry. Yeah? The big old boat that they swing you through going underneath the waterfall and bring you back. Those are a lot of fun. Just like getting on a ferry in general. I don't know. It always gets me all excited.

I think it's fun when you first get on there and then after a while I find it quite boring. I mean, this was 45 years ago, probably. Up in Duluth, we took a ferry boat ride, God knows where. Lots of Oceanside towns and such have ferries. Kind of cool. You can drive cars onto some of those pigs. A big-ass ferry boat in France or someplace like that. They accidentally played a porno movie on their little video screens.

Well, that would entertain Josh then if he gets bored on fairies. I'm not much of a porn guy, but it would be some excitement. Sure. When you were setting there on the boat, waiting for the ferry to reach its destination, they've got a lounge with little television screens that'll show you the local news or whatever. This one played some hardcore DVDA porno. Out of nowhere's. Some of the folks, it says here on the boat, were so grossed out.

they were thinking about going straight into the drink. They were running for the exits, new guys in the corner puking his guts up. The ferry boat apologized for this. They feel terrible about the DVDA. The ferry boat crew didn't even notice that there was DVDA on the televisions. They were busy doing whatever ferry boat workers do until they heard the screams. It says here to try and keep this from ever happening again. The ferry boat company has been.

permanently removed that porno channel from their televisions. According to one witness... Kind of weird they had that on there in the first place. That's France. You know, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Good point. They don't really understand. According to one witness, when the porn movie kicked in, this witness said kids were running away from the television while screaming. So it must have been a good one.

That would not have been me. You'd been intrigued? I mean, that seems a little silly. I can understand a kid being disturbed, but running while screaming. I think I'd be embarrassed if that was my kid. The same witness said, I didn't see it, but I could hear it. Oh. So they've straightened that issue out.

They've eliminated that channel from their ferry boat cable package or whatever the hell it might be. I suppose it's tough to get cable on a boat, but you know what I mean. Satellite, probably. Do you guys have a porn channel? No. I don't have cable. Do they even have those anymore? Like Spice Channel?

Is that a thing anymore? I've noticed it at hotels, yeah. Yeah, and I told you guys about my honeymoon when we were in Mexico. Which one? Your new one? I'm not making a joke. No, yeah, the current one, the current marriage. We were in Mexico, and I was just checking on the TV options.

I was like, oh, okay, they got ESPN. They've got TVS. Go up a channel. It's a woman on a boat, getting servicing five guys at once. On a boat. It was just like in between channels. It wasn't like you had to search out like 9-99. It was just like right in the mix of all the other channels.

Between PBS and ESPN. Yeah, no, seriously. That was what it was like, Ashley. People must masturbate a lot at hotels because it seems like everyone, they all have that. Oh, yeah. What else is there to do? Right. Well, plus maybe you want to put on a little show while you and your girlfriend and her girlfriend.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Nice. I don't have any porno channels anymore, but have you searched? Like you've actively looked it out? Yeah. I think when I first got this new setup, I'm not sure what it is, but when we first got it. I scrolled through every damn thing.

What's fun at the neighborhood bar, at my neighborhood bar, they still have cable. And when I had cable, I had this same option. There's eight or ten porno channels, but you have to pay for them. Right? So

at our neighborhood bar every once in a while, someone will be sitting there and they'll say, hey, put it on the gopher hockey game, right? And then the bartender's got to scroll. He don't know where to find it, right? Especially these days. There's so many different channels that go for hockey might be on. So the bartender's got to sit there and thumb that remote,

and eventually he will end up scrolling past the porno channels, which are available. So while we're sitting there, everybody gets a laugh because suddenly right there on a massive television, you have the option to order, you know, urinating cheerleaders part six or something, right? And the bartender always tries to go as fast as possible, and there's always one swinging D at the bar that says, no, no, no, hold it right there. Let's go. We're good. Go back, too. Right.

Runge from Ice Jesus said he used to do window cleaning, and they'd go to assisted living in nursing homes to clean the windows. He walked into some old guy's room to clean his windows, and he was watching a porno called Harry Bush 7. I don't like that. You know, I don't know if you noticed this. I intentionally said DVDA out loud three or four times, hoping. Yeah, I was wondering what was going on there.

I thought it was just a Nick thing. None of you just want to ask me what that means? I honestly, you already know. Sometimes you just do stuff like that. You mispronouncinges on purpose. Isn't that like gangbang porn? DvDA. Double vaginal, double anal.

Oh, yeah, so like a gangbang? I don't even know how that's possible. Oh, it's possible. I'm not even talking about diameters. I'm not talking about diameters, but just working your way into that position. Yeah, you got to be. Do you have to be pretty good friends with the guy? Oh, for Pete's sake.

You've got to be best friends with the guy. Yeah. Like, he didn't just meet that day at like catering, right? Dude, that's true. How's that possible? It is a hell of a lot of legwork. Yeah. And I don't mean that as like homework.

I'm talking about you need to have strong thighs. Like if Cubby and I were to get together to work together. Yeah. A lot of leg. I mean, you've got to be. kind of big too, right? Because otherwise you have to be right up in there. Ashley, you're so good at drawing. We draw me a picture on how this would work out.

Yeah, I can try. Great visual head in into the weekend. I was just waiting for someone to ask me what that meant and you guys let it slide. Josh, I'm stuck. I have no idea. I need to like look this up. I don't want to, but I have to look it up. I thought that just was a gang bag. I'll explain later. So I guess it kind of is. On a side note, I have no details on this.

This is just a separate headline that I read. It says here, online porn that shows choking is going to become illegal. What the hell am I supposed to do on New Year's Eve? Online porn that shows choking is going to become illegal. Isn't that something? Some traditions are sacred. I can understand that. Yeah, it makes sense.

You're talking about porn and bars, Nick. I was in New York City. about 10 years ago visiting a buddy. And he said, do you want to go to the porn bar? And I said, sure. You know, I wasn't really sure what he meant by that. I thought it might be a nickname for a bar or just a funny name. We go in there and it's your standard bar, you know, TVs and every corner and stuff

and all showing various different porno movies. Was that their, was it their porn night or is that their... No, that's just their thing. They just, you know, had different DVDs running on each TV and it was the porn bar. Nick, that sounds like just heaven for you. I don't know. I would enjoy that. A friend of mine recently went to one of those joints in Texas.

There's this hardcore porn running on the televisions all night alone. You guys wouldn't feel kind of weird with, you know, just walking in there. There's a bunch of strangers in there. It depends who else is in there, like the demographic. It's like a bunch of old timers. I'm probably going to turn around and leave. For some reason, that seems more weird than a strip club to me. It certainly would be weird.

Oh, absolutely. Maybe just because it's less common. Absolutely would it be weird. I'm not going to sit there all friggin' night, but that sounds like a riot to me, at least for an hour or so. Yeah, Josh, when I was there, my experience, it wasn't like people were glued to it. You know, it was kind of just like background TVs,

you know, or like they might just have a game on, somebody might look up like, oh, hey, look, they just hit a home run, you know. So kind of just funny? Yeah, it was more of kind of, it was for laughs and just, you know, Josh, here's what I'd do if I walked into the porno bar. All by myself, I'd sit down next to another dude, drink one beer, wouldn't say a word. A guy next to me wouldn't communicate with him at all at first.

But then at one point when we're watching the porn movie together, I'd nudge this complete stranger next to me and I'd say, hey, I think this dude's about ready to pop. Oh, gross. Just to see what kind of reaction I guess. What do you think, bro? I think this dude up here is about ready to let it ride. I'll take a corona and a bottle of lotion.

Yeah, I've heard about those. porno bars. Never been to one. But yeah, Josh, I'm not going to sit there all night and play. I'm not putting any of my money into the meat raffle. But an hour or two, that sounds like a lot of laughs. Yeah, no shared bowl

of peanuts. I'm not putting my hand in there. Yeah. Hey, bud. I don't think they're really brother and sister. What do you think? The bathroom's always occupied. I won't give you any spoilers, but I know, This one ends. I've seen this one before.

All right, now I'm not terribly familiar with this character, but with the popularity of all that true crime, this and that, with the popularity of all the movies and documentaries about serial killers these days, I'm going to go ahead and assume that some of you know, a guy from back in the day who went by the nickname of the Golden State Killer. Yes. Certainly. Didn't ring a bell for me.

Sweetly. Didn't ring a bell for me. I mean, I remember the Zodiac. He was a Northern California guy. I don't remember the Golden State killer. At any rate, the real name of that piece of garbage is Joseph DiAngelo. It says here he terrorized California in the 70s and 80s. He upped and murdered 13 people.

He raped 50. He wasn't caught into the year of 20 and 18 after being identified by, by crime scene DNA. It all sounds very interesting. Now, I think he should have just been hit over the head with a steel dildo and killed instantly. No, I want him to suffer. You do.

He is now currently serving a life sentence without parole. A book has been written about this disgusting bastard. Joe DiAngelo. The book is called The People v. the Golden State Killer. written by a dude called Thien Ho. Mr. Ho, I believe, is the district attorney of Sacramento County in California. Now, this might explain everything right here. This might explain the Golden State Killer's behavior.

If you read the book, The People v. the Golden State Killer, it says that Joe DiAngelo, the killer, has a micro dick. Ha, loser. They should do that with every evil character in history, don't you think? If they could just change one person from going into the evil business going, they're going to say, have a micro penis. Maybe I'll just get a job at Office Max. Office Max.

That's just the first business. I'm sorry, Office Max. It's the first business that popped in my head. Yeah, I was just at Office Max a couple days ago. I don't know why you got. Were you really? Yeah. The wife was buying.

I'm sorry to suggest that's the only alternative. It's just the first name that popped into my head. The Golden State Killer, according to this book that was written about him, has a micro penis. The book goes into great detail on how teeny tiny this dude's little pecker is. It's just like 10 pages about his tiny penis. Great detail. The book says it's, quote, smaller than a pinky finger. There's a whole list of things that's smaller then.

Yeah. Okay, we get it. The author, Mr. Howe, he recalls how a police photographer was instructed to take pictures of DeAngelo's pecker from multiple angles. Why, I have no idea. Well, I wonder if the victims had said, you know, he had a micro penis. Mm-hmm. And so they're going to double check. that. As the story goes, the photographer got on his knees to take pictures of DeAngelo's wad.

The photographer got frustrated at one point because he couldn't get a good picture of this poor bastard's unit because it was so shriveled and puny. Apparently, during this episode, one detective who was in the room even threw up his hands in the air out of frustration. and said, there's nothing there! The photographer and the detective, who were assigned to take pictures of this man's penis and balls, were just wildly frustrated because they could not get a big, pardon me, they could not get a decent picture.

The book says that DiAngelo, oh, God, help us, had to spread his legs and pull back the foreskin. So the boys could get a decent looking D-pick. Word is, it was, quote, smaller than the circumference of a dime. Dude. Man. And its length is equal to the tip of your pinky.

Wait, wait, did you say a dime? A dime. How do you even urinate? I mean, you got to sit down, right? Yeah, you got to sit down. Oh, what a little bitch. And you'd have to live in a warm climate. My goodness.

If you stand it to pee, you got to use a roach clip to kind of help aim it. Yeah, you get some forceps. So, I guess, where they're going with all this, where some people go with all this, is maybe it was his little useless pee-pee that made him so awful and murderous. Yeah, maybe. Although I hate mine and I've never been a violent person. But shoot.

You were taught to hate your penis And you need to shake that I can't I can't I don't think I'll ever get that I'm not trying to be cute by saying shake that You were taught to hate your penis Catholicism did that to you Runs from Ice Jesus

It's checked back in and you know the idea of having a circumference of your penis A girth of less than a dime He goes Hoof I got a nickel The 93X half-assed morning show What's going on, podcast, pimps?

Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get chokeslammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheeding.com. Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you.

Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. or go to Bialki law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C-I, host of the stacking Benjamins podcast. You know what? A lot of us get taxes wrong.

Filing your taxes is basically data entry. There's been this trend of people going, oh, it's so cool to file my taxes in August. It's so awesome. Don't worry. I have an extension. It'll be fine. I'd like totally do it later.

Stop. Do your friggin' taxes now. That was a really good fashion voice. Did you like it? You do that more frequently, please. Yes, every show from now. Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show.

Guaranteed cash off. Are you guys jamming out to that Chris Lindahl? I missed it. Yeah, that was good. We'll put that in high rotation. I missed it. There was a catchy little Chris Lindahl ad? Yeah, I hadn't heard that one before.

Up, and Josh is in love. Well, that's your bro. Well, he's the sponsor of the Chris Lindahl Studios, didn't you know? He ought to come in here and clean this joint up. Yeah, I know. These are his studios. We've got to ask for more money, I think. Get your ass in here, Lindahl, and get a vacuum going.

At least. They're disgusting. Bring in, like, a screwdriver, maybe some new equipment. Air freshener. All right, what's going on? Stupid news, huh? Before we scissors with the stupid news, you mind if I, if I throw out a random thought,

this was texted in by a listener, just a random thought. And it goes like this. Isn't it funny how in porno movies, every time a lady pulls a dude's pants and underwear is down, she acts like she's never seen a Johnson before? I guess that's a good point. Yeah.

Is it like, whoa, that's so big and impressive. Is that what they're talking about? No, no, no, it's sure you might run into one of those now and again in a porno movie, but it's just this reaction when they pull the guys Rodney out of his, the gal usually goes, oh. Like she wasn't expecting that to be there. Right, right. That's what you see nine times out of ten, Cubby.

Huh. Yeah, they do. They act as if we appreciate the random thought. That's, yeah, I think he's right. My reaction just now was kind of what I've heard over the years when I've exposed my penis to somebody, consensually, to be specific, I hear, huh, that's about what I get out of that. You call that a penis? Yeah, I've heard that before. All right. Here we go with our first stupid news report for the week.

I was always taught that you don't talk politics or religion at your neighborhood bar. Good advice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now I guess I should add chickens to that list. You don't talk chickens either down there in the extreme southeastern part of the United States. Total garbage. A derelict walked into a bar and got into a bar.

a heated argument about chickens. And then, of course, because of the way we are, nowadays he grabbed a gun and opened fire looking to kill everyone within a five-mile radius. Totally reasonable. Right. A dude walked into a bar and got into a loud, heated argument about chickens. Here's the story

with this puke barrel. Cops in town, what do they call the town? Port St. Lucy. Cops. in Port St. Lucie, say that a 44-year-old by the name of Peter Riera was hanging outside a bar called Harper's Pub. Riera got into an argument with three people outside the bar. You see, Riera raises chickens. And the argument that caught loose between Riera and these three other people, the argument was about how many eggs a chicken can push out its ass. I would probably trust the word of a person that raises chickens. I would assume they'd know much more than I would on it.

I did look it up on how many eggs a chicken can lay. Yeah. How many? Now, if you've got a high production breed, like a white leghorn, you're talking 250 to 320 eggs per year or EP-1. or EPYs. If you just got your traditional or heritage brand, you're looking at about 150 to 200 eggs per year or EPYs?

Man's belly can't hold that many eggs. What movie? 651-9-989-93-93. Cool hand, Luke? That's right. Oh, well, you were supposed to let people texting. I know. I was just proud of myself for once, Josh,

that I knew one of those. I couldn't resist. Yeah, that's like a pretty famous scene right there. My boy, Luke, he a whirl, a shake-on. That's George Kennedy's character in the movie. Anyway, this Peter Riera guy, he raises chickens, and he got into an argument with three other people about how many eggs a chicken can press out of its ass.

This Riera guy is obviously stupid and completely insane because the chicken ass argument led him to yank out a handgun and fire four shots at the, the three people who dared disagree with him on the abilities of a chicken's ass. The local cop said that nobody was injured. They also said that everyone involved was drunk. What? Yes, drunk.

That's true. Sober people usually don't care to argue about stuff. No, you kind of sit, well, you least don't get guns involved. You sit down at a table, you have a polite conversation. Stupid idiot, Riera was arrested. Two of the people he shot at also turned out to be idiots. While the cops were questioning them, they got all uppity too and got arrested. You're being questioned by the police about being shot at, and you can't keep your mouth in line.

So two people that he shot at got arrested just for being dicks to the cops. Do you f***ing tickets? Why would you ask me something like that? So all in all, it sounds like there were some real cutie pies hanging out at Harper's Pub. on that particular evening. I looked at him a little crazy. I was like, what? And he walked away.

And next thing I see, he has a gun in his hand. He cocked it back, and that's where everything just went wild. Did you see him hide? Did you watch the video at all? No. It's kind of funny. He's like hiding behind. I don't know what it was a big mailbox or something like that.

He's dressed like a farmer. He went, he ran away, and he was hiding behind a mailbox. It was like a mailbox or something. And I should say he was dressed like a person impersonating a farmer is kind of what it looked like. This guy, he looked like the type of dude that might be involved in a situation like this. I missed the video. Did y'all see the size of that chicken?

What movie is a question asked by CFH-based player Jesus? The obvious answer. It's not a movie. It's a documentary. It's called Young Guns. I'm going to put you in touch right now. Relax. Of course.

Okay. Thank you guys so much for showing up. Did you call 911? Yes. Okay. So is you. This mom call. He sounds exactly.

Exhausted. Yes, I did. My mom did. Who was that? That was the bad guy? That's the chicken effort. And why did he claim that is... Is that a true story that his mother called the police?

That's what he's saying. Never mentioned his mom was anywhere near. Maybe he called mom and said, Mom, I screwed up. I really done it this time, Ma. Oh, that guy's cute. Do you see the size of that cock a goddamn doodle doodoo? All right, where are we going next with this, cubby? Oh, tell me what might cross your mind if you found something like this on your property.

I believe this happened in Rhode Island or Connecticut. It doesn't matter. Last week, a dude woke up one morning and found a severed doughhead on his damn doorstep. Yeah, I would certainly assume that. was intentional. That's very odd. I would question the motivation. If it was me, I might think that I've angered some kind of blaze orange and camouflage

mafia that I was unaware of, or maybe a cult that worshipped Ted Nugent was looking to initiate me or something like that. Yeah, I mentioned I was raking underneath like a bush or whatever, and I pulled out a giant bunny head, and I thought, oh, my gosh. Gosh, we live in a neighborhood with devil worshippers. And I brought it up on air asking folks, why would there be a giant just bunny head in our yard? And people said, do you have owls, which we do. We have two big owls, and they're really kind of pains in the butt.

They're always yelling at each other. That's cool. And so they decapitated this poor giant bunny. Yeah, they'd be doing that. They like to eat the brains. Is that right? Yep. Well, the head was like intact.

At first I thought it was a stuffed animal. Yeah, I wonder if they dropped it on accident. and could not find it because it was in the bush. Braves. But yeah, my parents have found just the body in their front lawn. Oh, man. I find, like, hindquarters of squirrels and bunnies quite a bit in our yard. It's a war zone.

Yeah, you're in trouble if you're a bunny or a squirrel. They'll get you. Dude found a severed doe head on his doorstep, and he got a little nervous. Apparently, he's a big bow hunter. and he thought that maybe an anti-bow hunting group was sending him a message. He thought that this was some kind of a threat. Is that a known thing, anti-bowhunter groups? I don't know.

Anti-everything. Yeah, anti-hunting, I guess. I have never heard of an anti-bow hunting group, but if it's a thing, then there's somebody out there who's against it. We all know that. The local police took a close look at the decapitated. dough melon, and they said they think that a coyote or two or three had killed that dough, and then one of the yotes had randomly dropped the head outside the feller's house.

Marks on the dough were consistent with being ripped or torn by an animal, not caught by a person. Oh, gosh, that must just be horrific to walk out to. There's been lots and lots of killer coyote activity in that neighborhood, don't you know? So, you know, the dude got over it. You know, it's kind of weird that nowadays you just expect most people have doorbell cameras that would capture something like that. I know other neighbors released some camera footage from theirs, and it showed the coyotes and stuff running around.

Yeah, a lot of folks do have the doorbell cams, and maybe not in the middle of nowhere in Connecticut. So I had a buddy who had horses. and he hated them, but that's a, that doesn't matter. There are a lot of work. They were a lot of work. They were kind of left to him. He inherited the horses.

Next thing you know, you own horses. Right, right, right, right. Wasn't crazy about it. But anyway, that doesn't matter. It doesn't really factor into the story, whether he loved or hated the, but, you know, a couple of those horses. up and died. And he would take the horse carcass and bury, bury them in a swamp on his property.

But I always wanted to use, and this is a deep regret of mine. I always wanted to use one of the dead horses as a prank, and we never got around to it. One of them died, and it's just, you know, just laying there. And we were going to take that dead horse and prop it up against a buddy's front door. The whole horse? Yes, the whole horse. We were going to trailer the horse. Those are heavy.

Well, we get seven, eight guys and we get a trailer. We'd get it done. One of our pals lives alone, and he never leaves the house. He's just an odd duck who just sits in his house all day long and wishes that his life would have turned out to be something, but it didn't. He just sits there all day long. So we thought he'd be the perfect victim, you know, just because he just sits there and stares at the wall.

all day wondering what's happened to his life. We thought he'd be the perfect victim to just take this huge dead horse and just slap it up against his front door. And then the next morning he wakes up to leave for work. And he would have absolutely no idea what it meant or where it came from. I promise you, he wouldn't suspect any. We never got around to it, though. That would be genuinely terrifying.

Yeah. What a pain though. Well, I guess I'm using the back door from now. That's just such an inconvenience. I'll never leave through the front door again. Do I deal with this now? Do I deal with it after work? Who do I call?

We talked about it. We planned it. We had a plan in place. Who do you call for that day? But we just never got around to it, and it's a deep regret of mine. Because, again, our potential victim would have had zero idea. where it came from or what it meant. All right.

I would appreciate the humor, but at the same time, what do I just cut this thing up? 911, there's a horse on my front step? That's a you problem, man. Do you think if I put it on Facebook Marketplace, somebody might want it? Just put a free sign on it? In your neighborhood app? Here's a listener whose father-in-law has miniature horses,

so that will be half the work. I'm going to keep your phone number, dude, because this guy still lives alone and just sits there in the house all day and stares at the walls. He's the perfect victim. He's got a new horse buddy. All right.

Oh, what does this say? A listener texted in to say we did that with a dead deer. We pulled that prank on a friend in high school. Oh, but he said we leaned it up against the garage door so when their parents left for work, the dead deer fell in. into the garage. You see what I'm saying?

The dead deer. I would be so confused. Yeah, that's why the bit is so brilliant. I don't think I'd be angry. I would just be distraught. Yeah. Just distraught. You're talking me into it more and more.

That's exactly what we're going for. Fear, confusion. Yeah, I kind of want in on this now. Yeah, oh, do you really? We can use a hand. Like you said, those are big animals. This is frigging ridiculous. right here. How about a burglar hiding within the walls of a business in Illinois? That's where

we're headed next. Sort of like my boy Bad Ronald. If you're a long-time listener, you may remember me going on and on about one of my favorite all-time movies, a movie called Bad Ronald. Ronald is a kid who gets in trouble and his mother hides him in the walls of their home so the police won't find him and then one day his mother ups and dies and Ronald continues to live within the walls of that house even after a new family moves in

and he falls in love with the young daughter of that family and he watches her through the walls and he falls in love That's Bad Ronald, 1974. I've seen some scary movies with that plot line and that messes with me. You got to watch Bad Ronald. So in Illinois, a female burglar was doing her best Bad Ronald imitation. She goes by the name of Callie or something stupid. She's only 26.

I'm guessing she's got to be smoking meth rocks or something to go ahead with a caper like this. Looks like it. I'm not sure what kind of business we're dealing with either. But the business owner, this is how it all started, the business owner could hear mysterious whispering a coming from behind the walls. Wouldn't you assume you were going insane? He did.

The poor bastard thought he had lost his F in mind. That's what I think most people would think. He's hearing little whispery voices in the walls. All right, I got to quit drinking. This is crazy. Why is she talking to herself? I'm telling secrets to myself. Eventually, he called the police.

And he told the police, I'm hearing voices in the walls. But he told the cops, he said, the voices stopped as soon as I called you. The cops did a lap around the guy's business. They didn't hear Dick. They told the business owner guy, hey, no offense, brother, but you may have gone nuts. We don't hear anything.

After a short time, a couple three days later, dude started hearing voices again. A couple days? Something like that. He called the police back over there. This time, the cops fingered it out. There were live human beings moving around and whispering back and forth inside the effing walls of the building, including this Cali lady that I told you about. The fire department had to be called. to drag all the low-life derelicks out the walls.

Two of them ran like hell. This callie gal, she was arrested, and you might want to get a look at her mugshot. Her face is filthy. This is awesome. Yeah, this is on 93X.com. Isn't it great, too, that nobody just said, here's a washcloth or a paper towel or something?

No, we got to capture this. Her fake eyelashes. are falling off. Those are on point, or wait, on fleak. What do you say about eyelashes? On fleak works. Yeah, Josh, I think when the cops, when they stumble upon someone looking that stupid, they make sure, oh, don't change a thing.

Let's take. Yeah, we want this to go quote viral. Yeah, let's take this mug shot as soon as we can before you change a thing. This gal looks like she slid into home plate on her stupid face. Yeah. Life ain't pretty when you're living in the walls. If this was a Scooby-Doo episode, she'd line up to a poster or a painting on the wall with her eyes looking back and forth. That always freaked me out as a kid.

What was that now? In Scooby-Doo, somebody would be in the walls and they put their eyes right where the eye holes were in those paintings. Absolutely, yeah. And they're always looking left to right. Oh, yeah, yeah. So stupid ass has been arrested. This arrest comes just three days after she was arrested for driving around town without a driver's license. She's a little less dirty in that mugshot photo.

So I think there's a couple of mugshot photos for this callie gal. One looking normal, one looking absolutely terrible. The two other geniuses who were living in the walls are still on the run. living in the walls, man. It's creepy. It's tough life. Just shuffling inch by inch to the right or left. I don't know what the hell they were doing when they had, you know, when the business owner wasn't there, what were they doing?

Did they have a way to get, they must have had a way to get out. But then again, when they got caught, the fire department had to get them out. So did they hide in the walls and just got stuck there? I don't know. You like this one, don't you, Josh? I mean, not the subject matter, but the pun factor involved. Yeah, and that's about all you can like about this. A man named pancake battered his father.

That's the gist. Right. Pancake battered. That's how puns work right there. Yeah. Just for fun, I'll go ahead anyway. A 38-year-old moron legitimately named Eric Pancake. Never met a pancake.

No. Kind of surprised you don't have a buddy named pancake, Nick. Is a nickname? Yeah. Yeah. Or flapjack or something? We have a, oh, we used to know someone named Meat Flaps. Oh, no.

Didn't you date Meat Flaps? I don't know if that's what you want to call it. I remember Meat Flaps. Didn't seem like a meat flaps, I got to say. It's so unfortunate. 38-year-old guy legitimately named Eric Pancake. he beat the piss out of his 72-year-old dad a night or two ago. Oh, my damn.

He curbstomped the patriarch of the pancake family. While his stepmom helplessly watched the pancake battering. Eric Pancake lives with his dad and stepmom, and he's 38 years old, which doesn't surprise me. Eric Pancake looks like a lazy, shiftless loser who can't make it on his own. When the police rolled up, Eric Pancake. Eric Pancake's dad, old man pancake, he looked like effing Rocky Balboa at the ass end of Rocky 2. Eric Pancake tuned up his dad real good.

Eric Pancake was intoxicated and belligerent, they say. When the cops asked him why he stomped a mud hole in his own father and then walked it dry, Eric Pancake told the cops that he wished to, quote, plead the fifth. I've seen it in movies. What a divag. I know I can do it. That's exactly it. I think you fell back on a movie he watched.

I plead the fifth, he says. All right, buddy. Just out of curiosity, why don't you tell us the fourth? Since she's so aware of all the amendments. Right. Eric, by God, pancake has been charged with battery on a victim over the age of 65, which is a felony. You can't be tuning up the old folks like we did back in the day. No, no, he'll get you.

back when I was a kid, you could grab an old man by the shirt collar and just beat the living hell out of them. No one said nothing. Not a felony now. I got beat up by a probably 80-something year old. A reverse. Yeah. It was a reverse gender, not gender, age gap beating. Yeah, he got me and he got me good.

I love this story of the old man beating the piss out of him. I was innocent bystander and he sucker punched me right behind the ear and I saw stars. Just like we were talking cartoons, I saw stars, I saw the birds going around. I had totally confused. I had no idea what was happening. And I had nothing to do with the situation. Oh, Josh. Did you ever get your revenge?

Well, I was very upset, as you can imagine, once I came to and realized what year it was. And I threw my bike down, and I squared up, and I thought, if I hit this guy, there's a good chance. Not because I'm tough or anything, but because of how old he was, there's a good chance he's going to fall over and die. Your face of manslaughter at that point. I mean, seriously, the guy was frail, but he was. He must have been a junior weight boxer or something. He got me good. He got me real good behind the year.

Good for you for thinking about the consequences if you would hit him back. I don't think many people would pause to think about that. No, they just go for it. That's really why you didn't hit him back, the consequences. Meaning like in getting in trouble? I wasn't worried about that. No, I just was thinking like this doesn't seem right to hit a guy that looks like he's got about a week left just on his own. He doesn't need help dying.

wife is crying, you know, thinking that there was, because there's four of us thinking we're going to jump them. Should have hit him right in his frigging dentures. My buddy's talking trash to him. I'm just sitting there like, okay, let's get out of here. And I'm the one that gets hit. But that was back, like I was saying, that was back when it was completely legal to beat up an old timer. Now it's, uh... Oh, it's almost encouraged.

Yeah. Yeah. They got mad if you didn't beat him up. Why do you take so long in line? And then you just start punching them. Yeah. Danny, you were mentioning you surprised I don't have a friend in my friend group

with the nickname, a pancake. It brought me back to one of my favorite nicknames. And I haven't seen this gal in years and years and years. But her nickname was dogs, dogs, dogs. And you had to say it that way every time. You had to say it that way every time. She a big fan? Oh, she would not, shut up about her damn dogs.

So we gave her the nickname, Dogs, Dogs, Dogs. And again, there was no alteration. that delivery. You had to say it that way, no matter the context of the conversation. Jesus, she would just sit there. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show.

It's Thursday. It's 93X Rock. It's early in the morning. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. We had a conversation earlier about tomorrow being at. Sure, Halloween. Right. Buh, boring. No one cares about Halloween. Tomorrow's Ashley's birthday. Another listener is celebrating.

oh wait a minute not tomorrow one of our listeners texted in classic country Jesus his birthday is today Cobby yes I just remembered mentioning that tomorrow is

you know my birthday and I guess Halloween me and my husband were talking last night about how we should teach our son that when people say like happy Halloween and stuff like that that's just their way of

celebrating my birthday that like Halloween is, it's just another word for my birthday. So you tell the kid, hey, mom loves scary movies and costumes. So because it's her birthday, everyone in the neighborhood goes around town looking for can. So that's what you spin? Yeah. That's not a bad idea. Until we started thinking, oh, but then when it's his birthday and people don't go all out and do all

these special things, he's going to think that nobody likes him or something. That's even better. He should know how cool mom is. They have a whole holiday based around mom. Why is everyone running around the neighborhood in costume and asking for candy? Well, it's all because it's your mother's birthday. Because I'm just so great that everybody celebrates it. Lying to children, lying to children.

I was raised on lies. I think lying to children is some of the most friggin' fun that an adult can have. The friggin' stories that my parents and my parents, and my uncles and whatnot, tried to convince my brother and I were true, was just hilarious stuff. I love that routine. I mean, like say, when I was a kid, when we'd drive around town and we would see, it doesn't happen as much as it used to, Josh, because there aren't bench seats in cars anymore. But you know, back in the day, Josh, when the guy would be driving his pickup and his girlfriend is basically sitting on his lap, right?

I always wanted that. I thought when I grow up, I want to do just that. You want that pickup, and I want her sitting right there. A woman at your side. When we were kids, I remember asking my dad, like, why is she sitting so close? And my dad said, oh, it takes two people to drive that car. I loved that. That's what I'm talking about.

Those little lies that you mislead children with can be so much friggin' fun. I had a pickup that had the bench seat. Never had the girl there, though. Plenty of groceries. Groceries next to you. You were your arm around the grocery. Yeah. Yeah.

And what's great about it is if you, of course, have a kid as dumb as I was. I believe that until I was about 19 years old, that there were cars that took two people to drive. Because my dad established that when I was six. I thought, no kidding. It takes two people to drive to some bitch. Now, Brian says they have a holiday based on Mom's Mother's Day. But, yeah, you're correct. But we want this based on Ashley.

Yeah. Just the one mom. Forget all the other moms. Yeah, just me. She's Ashley's Day. Until I was about 16 years old, I believe that my dad and Willie Nelson went to different schools together. Well, that's actually true, but I didn't listen to what my dad would see Willie Nelson on television. He go, oh, Willie Nelson, he and I went to different schools together.

And I never took the time to understand what he, I thought he meant they went to school. But they went to, of course, we all went to different schools together. So it's little things like that that I've always enjoyed. My mom told us as kids that she was deathly allergic to cats. sister and I, we really wanted a cat. She goes, well, we can't get one. You know, your mom will get very sick. You don't want your mom to get sick, do you?

We were like, oh, no, no, of course. We completely just dropped the whole thing. And that was when I was seven, eight years old. Fast forward to, like, early 20 as I was dating a girl. And my mom was going to come by and see us, and we were all going to go to lunch together. And I frantically called my mom because I realized that my girlfriend had a cat. I go, you can't come up to the apartment.

She has a cat. And my mom had completely forgotten the lie at this point. And it was like, well, what, okay? I don't, like, well, aren't she were allergic? She goes, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just told you that so you'd stop bugging me for a cat. That's exactly what I'm talking about. It's exactly what I'm talking about.

All right. Speaking of pets now that we've started talking about pets, in honor of our special guests later on this morning, Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital will be in studio later. In honor of Dr. Andrea's visit, we enjoy her so much. We have put together cubby. specifically, has put together an all-animal edition

of the stupid news. Just like Josh on a Saturday night after half a Coors light. All animal. Yeah. Look out. Meow. Ar! It's feisty.

That's adorable. I bury my poopies and my peepees. And of course we're going to start with monkeys. Those peckerhead bastards. They're always doing something. I'll say it again. They're planning a war. A war with humans, just like you might have seen in the movies.

They've had enough of us pushing us. I'll get there. They've had enough of us pushing them around. They've already started trouble in other parts of the world. We've told the stories up and down. They're snatching up our babies. They're pissing in our cocktails when we're not looking. They think they can run the planet better than we can.

And I don't disagree with that. I don't. I would love a monkey. Wouldn't you guys? I'd welcome the monkey overlords. I wouldn't have it cool to have a monkey. Oh, God, I've said it. A little diapered monkey.

A million times. Is it smoking and drinking? No, mine's not. Mine is smoking and drinking. Mine's on some harder stuff. What's it? Yeah, mine doesn't, smoking and drinking is nothing to mine. You are, Dana, you're welcoming our monkey overlords.

I'm not. Although I agree. that they could probably run things better than we currently do, I still know what side I'm on. You know what I mean? You're going to fight with the humans? I can't turn my back on humanity that easily. I can.

You can. Yes, yeah. You've shown sympathy to the monkeys when we've had these conversations before. They're just trying to live. Poopfoot Jesus hates monkeys. All caps, he hates monkeys. Get back to us. Why do you hate monkeys so much?

What's the deal? You don't find them adorable and you're not impressed with their swinging and climbing skills and poop throwing skills? Right. I was going to say, like the little ones with the red butts at the Minnesota Zoo that fling their poo around, those guys are great. I don't like the red butts. I'll be honest with you. Put those things away. That's intimidating.

That's intimidating. When the dust is settled, if the monkeys win the war, I will tip my hat to them if I'm still alive. But I'm not going to turn on humanity that quickly when the world. war begins. I know what side I'm on. Why is he yelling at us, Josh? Who's yelling? I don't like the name. The guy that just texted about hating monkeys. Yes. Okay, poop foot Jesus says he hates monkeys

and now he's yelling at us? It's just in all caps. Yeah, he said because they look like people and are dumb. Well, there's a lot of people that look like people and they're dumb. Why the monkeys? I think they're a little cuter. I would argue that they are not dumb. I would like to see a monkey in a military outfit. He's got his He's got a little bazooka. Yeah, a sniper, a monkey sniper?

Wouldn't you want to see something like that? War paint on. Of course they look cute in uniform. All right. A lot of people are texting and saying they like to spank their monkey. That's hilarious. Here's the latest nightmare that has unfolded here in the early days of the human monkey war. Down there, Mississippi.

diseased research monkeys being transported down the interstate in a semi-truck and trailer. They were able to overturn the truck, they caused it to crash, and then they escaped from the truck. The driver of the truck didn't see it coming. He says he smelled turds in the cab at one point or another. He knew it wasn't him. Next thing he knows, he's peeling himself off the road upside down in the cab of his truck. They got him. The monkeys turned the truck over, and now they're gone.

Maybe I don't welcome the monkey overlords now. Too late. You already said it. They're on their way here. You're going to be their bitch, Dana. The diseased monkeys escaped. They were being driven from one research facility to another, you know, a pile of them in the trailer. Cop showed up full force. It was too late. And now the police down there are telling folks in the neighborhood to stay inside. don't go near a monkey if and you see one.

The monkeys are infected with COVID. I'm not making this up. The monkeys have herpes. Welcome to the club. The monkeys have hepatitis. Oh, no, they've come out now and said that's not true. And you're buying it? You're buying that, Josh?

I am buying. Don't you think of that as maybe monkey war propaganda? Don't do this to me. I slept with two of those monkeys and I thought I was safe. So now you're saying they do have COVID and herpes and supergapes. Gonorrhea and everything else. Are you a monkey effer? You know what I am.

For Pete's sake, it says here some of the escaped monkeys have been shot dead. Oh. This is terrible. What is going on? They thought they were infected. And they don't like people. I'm guessing that it says here, don't go near these monkeys. They do not like us.

And I'm guessing that's because they know that we are the ones that gave them COVID and herpes and hepatitis. Yeah. If you're a lab monkey or lab enter the, you know, whatever animal you want to put after that, I bet they don't have a good feeling about humans. As they're getting hair spray sprayed in their eyes and whatnot? It's going to get a whole lot worse for it gets better, everybody. In their eyes. The war has begun here in the States.

They overturned a friggin' truck. They kicked the driver's ass and they ran into the woods. I can't get enough of these stories, though. Come on. More monkey issues, please. Although some of them, we've talked about these monkeys many times where they're like stealing babies and throwing them off roofs and stuff like that. I don't like evil monkeys. They're climbing in your windows.

I can't help, but I hope the babies are okay. But like, imagine a monkey just like throwing a baby like a football. I got to say I get kind of scared of the monkey on family. family guy. That monkey is always so upset. No, no, no, he's okay. Yeah, and Chris's, he's always pointing and he looks so angry. He's a family man. Oh, yeah, they did a whole episode about him once.

I forgot about that. They kind of told his backstory, and the monkey's actually just misunderstood. Yeah, they finally got sick of, they're like, all right, I think we've just bled this bit dry, so we're going to have an ending here. You know, that's sometimes the magic, a family guy, is they do a bit to the point where you're screaming at your TV, and then eventually, like, Stockholm syndrome, you're like, okay, this is funny again. Because, yeah, exactly. The odometer trips over and it starts again.

I get family guys shamed in my household. I don't appreciate it. What do you mean? Divorce. My wife will watch every single trashy dating show possible, but somehow family guy is just beneath her, and I'm stupid for watching it. Yeah, my wife doesn't like Family Guy or South Park. She doesn't get it. What? Can you imagine the truck driver with that trailer full of monkeys driving down the interstate in Mississippi? He was probably,

on the CB talking to other truckers. You hear what happened to that unlucky some bitch in Indianapolis with Mark Sanchez? Right? They're chatting back and forth on the CB. And then the trucker thinks to himself, what the hell smells like chloroform? And then a monkey puts a rag over his face and he overturns the train. And then the disease monkeys are running wild. He's thinking, this can't be happening.

I just wanted to get to the hotel eight, get a prostitute, a case of beer. Motel 8, whatever they call it. Yeah, he's probably saying like you were saying the CB, oh, that thing that happened to that truck driver to Mark Sanchez, that's the worst thing to happen in the history of truck driver. Yeah, and then he's like, who the hell put a bottle of chloroform in the...

Ha! Ha! The thought of him crawling out of the truck overturned. Yeah. What the hell just happened? Monkey just put some a chloroform rag over my mouth and I overturned the bitch. Here's more. Here's another one in Texas, a pet monkey.

A pet monkey. Tired of being captive, I would imagine, cut loose from its human owner, and the monkey went mental inside one of those spirit Halloween shops. My daughter looked up. She said, what in the world? And she's like, is that a real monkey? And so I look up and I said, well, it's got a diaper on. So I guess it is real? It was entertaining.

I mean, it was like, huh? A lot of people just stood and watched for like 30 minutes, like the whole time. They're just a monkey. I had kids trying to catch it. It had jumped down on the floor and ran past my leg. And at that point, I was like, okay, I've had enough. Those are folks who were witnesses to this scene at the Spirit Halloween shop in Texas. For more than a half hour, this monkey was swinging from the rafters, screaming out threats, dropping turds.

like atomic bombs from the ceiling of this Halloween shop. That was Arlene, the lady that was speaking there. Arlene talked to the local television news about what she saw. And you heard her say it, Josh. The monkey was wearing a diaper. And that's what made her realize it's a real monkey. Yeah, I guess. I saw a picture of the monkey.

He is pretty darn cute. That must have been awesome. Yeah, exactly. Spirit Halloween's are chaotic as it is. and you throw a monkey in there too? That must have been so much fun. Yeah, that's a good day. I miss the parrot at our local car wash.

Oh, yeah, that one, yeah, another one you're talking about. Did every neighborhood car wash have a parrot for there about 20, 25 years? Was it all a parrot? Was it a paradise? That's the one by us. I have no idea. I don't know if that was just kind of their deal. I just know they had a parrot there and it always looked miserable.

It looked absolutely miserable. Oh, this one looked happy. Oh, the one that I saw, it looked at me and it said, end my life, please. It F-bombed me every time I was in there Did it cuss? Yeah, constantly. Cool. Did it talk?

Well, I mean, nobody else could hear it, but I could. People thought it was a little weird for some reason. Yeah, I could hear what it was thinking. That's terrible things about me, and you wouldn't believe the jokes it had about my mom. Oh, Christ. Awful. That's where it all started. So this monkey went wild inside the Halloween shop.

Eventually the monkey's owner offered it a cookie, and the monkey calmed down, and it was recaptured. A cookie would calm you down. I've seen you around cookies. Yeah. It would. Your mood changes. I'm much more primate maybe than man.

The monkey wasn't injured at all. And supposedly everything went back to normal at the Halloween shop. But take this as another sign of things to come. If that Halloween shop monkey wouldn't have been starving for a cookie, I think things could have turned out much, much worse. At the least, I think, if there was no cookie, John, At the least, I think someone in that store would have ended up being suffocated by a dirty monkey diaper. Just like that chloroform rag on the truck driver.

This one's going to throw you too, I think. Try this one out. At in Orlando is how I should have said that. In Orlando. At SeaWorld. They're calling it SeaWorld. Anyone been there? No.

Nope. I was at Disney World, but not SeaWorld. Didn't have time. Over there at SeaWorld, the gal riding on one of those roller coasters, she got knocked unconscious by a duck. That was a flying through the park. And now the gal is... Revenge.

Now she's suing SeaWorld. She wants 50 grand. So there she was a few months ago. She's ripping up and down on that damn roller coaster, going faster than piss. At the exact same time, a damn duck flies through. The duck hit the lady square in the mug, and it knocked her out cold. She took that corkscrewed duck rod right to the jaw. Why is that corkscrew?

That's gross. For her pleasure, I think, is the joke. Anyway, and it put her to sleep. This duck hit her in the face so hard. It knocked her right on out. This gal in her lawsuit, they say that SeaWorld, I mean SeaWorld, should have warned her about the dangerous condition of the park before she got on the roller coaster. She says they placed her in harm's way. Oh my gosh, you're outside.

It is kind of crazy that you can sue for anything nowadays. I hate this lady. Here's a quote from her sleazy ambulance-chasing lawyer. SeaWorld created a zone of danger for bird strikes due to placing the roller coaster over or near a body of water, which creates a higher risk of bird strikes involving ducks, gulls, geese, and other water, fowl. Oh, shut up. She wants a beware of duck sign on the roller coaster as you want through. Use the talk.

How dumb do you have to be to not think about... My gosh. The lawsuit also claimed... Ashley, please. I just... The lawyers and such are talking. The lawsuit also claimed that the roller coaster disoriented the birds

and increased the risk of bird-human high-speed collisions. The roller coaster with it whipping by and spinning around, it would disorient the birds and they'd go, I don't even know where I'm on. I'm fine anymore, and it increased the risk of these bird-human collisions. You didn't know that? They should be the ones that are suing. The ducks and the birds and the waterfowls.

Good point. Where somebody should on behalf of the birds. Absolutely. The most upsetting part of the story is that I have no information on what happened to the duck. Was he killed in the collision? Is he paralyzed from the beak down? And he's been placed in an adorable little wheelchair. We just don't know.

You ever seen a duck in a wheelchair? No, but I want to. You would never... Probably on Looney's... tunes or something, I'd imagine. You will get rid of all of your current pets and all you will want is a duck in a wheelchair the minute you see a duck

in a wheelchair. This person's right. They should have had an anti-duck air defense. That's true. And a lot of people are bringing up a good point. She should have ducked. Oh. But why is the penis corkscrewed? It's for her pleasure. Just stick

with the easy joke sometimes, Josh. For her pleasure. Well, now I'm picturing that they have a cork down there. The he's doing, they just got to uncork it and go for it. It's similar. Cork their brains out at that one. I need a duck in a wheelchair. Are you looking at a duck in a wheelchair? Yes. Are you already thinking

about turning your dogs into the pound? Yes. You're only human. Look at this little guy. Is he just chugging along, isn't he? He's got like big fat tires on his wheelchair too because he's got an off-road. Yeah. Josh, I'm sorry. What was it again? That was very funny. They needed

a duck air defense. Yeah, anti-duck air defense. Just some teenage kids with BB guns. That's probably all you really need. Remember all the controversy around U.S. Bank Stadium taking out all those birds? Yes. Oh, yeah, that was a lot.

Yes, I do. That was fun. The birds were slamming themselves into the side of the new ballpark, and it was a terrible tragedy. Simon says, didn't Fabio take a goose to the face on a roller coaster? Yeah, that was Fabio, wasn't it? Fabio took it? How the hell? Did you come up with that?

That was a big story. Yeah, that's the first thing I thought of, too. Fabio, the old supermodel guy? Yeah, he messed his face up pretty good. He was on a roller coaster and he got hit in the face by a goose. How a hell of a bird? That's large. She's Louise.

Not munging or shrimping Jesus makes a really good point. He said, oh, I'm confused. A place called SeaWorld is close to water. What is this world coming to? Yeah. What do you expect? You're not safe. No matter what.

you're doing, you're not safe even on a roller coaster at SeaWorld. I saw Final Destination 3 last night a little bit of it. I know what happens on those roller coasters. Oh. Is that any good? It's the best one. No, it's terrible. But it's a Final Destination movie, and you're aware of that when you go into it.

I just saw the opening scene. When I watched the Final Destination movie series, I just watched the opening scene for the Halacious Crash, and then I move on with my life. There's no reason to continue. How's the latest one? I liked it. Yeah, Ashley liked it. I saw the preview where the...

that the barbecue? Yes. That was even stressful. That's the funniest part. They get you on that one. Like, oh, no, that's not what it is. And then they keep going. Oh, back to ducks real quick. Teacher, she's has texted in to say that duck sex is not pretty. We had that conversation on the air a while back. Yeah, we know. I know firsthand that duck sex is. Oh, my gosh, yeah. Yeah. On my property a year or two ago, my wife had to break up a duck rape. and that's exactly what it was. It was horrible.

Horrible. This is one of my favorite stories. It was just, we were sitting in the house and all of a sudden, slam, slam! Like something crashed into the sliding glass door. And we look out the window, and there was a two-on-one duck rape happening on my property. We had to run outside, and I had to kick these mallards in the ass and say,

get out of here. My wife's out there with a hockey stick or something. It was horrible. And I waited until I knew that I had forced the men, male ducks to fly away. And I counseled the female for a while. And I said, it's okay. You can go where you want to go. It was terrible.

She's not lying. I'd never seen anything like that before in my life. It was terrible. Ducks are cute little bastards, but I'll tell you what, not when they're looking to get it on. I had no idea. That is awful. Not when they're looking to get it on. The 93X half-assed morning show.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer.

Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-L-E-L-L-K-L-K-L-K-L-C-L-C-L-C. And it spells relief for you. You guys know how much I really, really love golf, and I think every week would be dope to post on the golf channel. I want to get a lot of guests on here. Salim's going to take a leap.

I'm down to be in it. It's not really work to play golf course. I was like, let's go to the range. So what are we putting on it? We said 10K, right? 10-K? All right? We probably bet more than all the other golf channels, right?

10K, 9 holes. Those guys bet for, like, cookies. I feel like I'm going to shank it. This guy's been trading like a Navy seal when it comes to golf. I'm very, very excited. You excited? Yeah. We'll send golf.

Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Nothing new here, just to social media again. Oh, how social media folks love to anonymously and recklessly bury people. ruin their lives, ruin their careers, or at least they try to.

Especially because now you can even post anonymously. Oh, you can? Yeah, on Facebook there's like a setting, especially if you're a part of like a, I guess a Facebook group of any sort, you can click like post anonymously. And that's when people really lay it in. It's like, don't post anonymously if you're going to talk smack.

It's the bravery button. Is that? Yeah. Show your face. coward. Yeah, they don't know the truth, but they think they do. Oh, they're sure of it. They're sure. They know all the inside information and they pass judgment faster than you can say, Jack Robinson. We've had this conversation a million times before. I won't go off any farther. This year story is a long one, and you've got to use your brain a little bit. I'm just going to go ahead.

says here a Texas college student, a young gal, 26 years old, she's upped and began to tell her story, all about her, quote, worst nightmare coming to reality. So try and follow this best you can. A phony social media post claiming she worked as an Olive Garden waitress and was arrested for throwing breadsticks at customers when, viral on social media. A phony social media post that claimed this gal worked as as an olive garden waitress, and the story claimed she was arrested for throwing breadsticks,

was everywhere on social media. It was a very dramatic story about a waitress in St. Louis, Missouri, who supposedly hurled a basket of breadsticks at a couple after they stiffed her on a tip. I used to work at Olive Garden, and there was some times where I want to. wanted to throw breadsticks at people. Well, they're limitless. You never run out of ammo. Exactly.

The story claimed that she also, after throwing the breadsticks, yelled out, Unlimited breadsticks doesn't mean unlimited free labor. Oh. The problem is none of the story is true at all except for the mugshot of this gal. The gal who's telling her story. She goes by the name of Megan Davis. She's a college student in Texas. She says the backlash she received from assbag social media types over a fake story

featuring her real mugshot has ruined her life. The story here, particularly fingers a Facebook account called Pure Videos. The story says they created this fake post and shared it with all of their followers. While the post didn't include Davis's name and the fake story took place hundreds of miles away from her, remember she's in Texas. The story claimed it came from St. Louis, Missouri. Despite all that, people were still able to track her down and harass her online. Her real mugshot came from a night out drinking where she was arrested for public intoxication. Okay, it happens. see that. That makes sense looking at the mugshot.

She kind of does look like somebody that was just arrested while drunk. She's very cute. So from what I understand, that Pure Video's website just went ahead and used her mugshot and used it alongside the fake Olive Garden story.

That happens with some of those hoax stories, for sure. They grab them. Yeah, they'll just grab a mug shot for that. There's been, you know. One that looks sad or funny. Yeah, people. people are getting familiar with this tactic and you know because there's a lot when fake stories kept coming out for a while like these wild stories people would send

them to you right be like can you believe this happened and then you do a little Googling and realize well yeah that never did happen yeah this mugshot is from 1976 you know there's one that it was a went around a while ago but it came back recently maybe you guys saw this as well the dude that hired an alligator for his attorney I see that one. I know what you're talking about. You've seen that one? I missed it.

And it, I mean, it's a great story. And when I saw it, the first time I'm like, oh, I cannot wait for work tomorrow. This would be fun to talk about. And then you do a little research and it's completely BS. And they use a mugshot and all that kind of stuff. I would have liked to have heard the negotiations between him and that gator lawyer to see what kind of terms they settled on and what his hourly fee was. I don't think there'd be much negotiation.

I'm paying whatever that gator says. I'm not going to piss off the gator. It would really suck to go through something like this. I have somebody claim you did something that you didn't, but at the same time, that'd be a fun lawsuit. You're getting paid. I don't know. Who are you going to sue?

Yeah, who are you going to sue? And what kind of money do they have to get? I'm not questioning your tactics. I'm just honestly, I wouldn't know. Who do I blame this on if I'm this lady? I think, I don't know, maybe find somebody who can figure that out. Can I sue the world? Yes.

I'm suing all of you. Suing the universe. So Olive Garden even stepped up and said this person, the young college gal in Texas, again, the name is Davis, Megan Davis. Olive Garden even stepped up and said, this person does not work for Olive Garden and the incident described never happened. But, you know, folks don't pay attention. The types who attack strangers on social media don't bother to care. if their motives are legit or not. They just attack.

And they want you shut down. What's the term people use? Canceled. They don't ask questions. They just attack. As a matter of fact, Josh, if I read this correctly, when Olive Garden stepped up on social media and said,

look, this gal never worked for us and this incident never happened at an Olive Garden, a couple of these, you know, cowardly anonymous social media type, just wrote back, prove it. Oh, my God. How do you prove something who didn't happen?

No, you prove it. That's not how it works here. Right, exactly. Yeah, Olive Garden doesn't have to prove dick. No. You idiots have to prove your motives for ruining someone's life. This is just...

Watch one episode in Nightcourt. You're going to laugh and you're going to learn. That's about all I can say about this without completely losing my temper over this crap once again. We have become disguised. disgusting, cowardly pricks. And I just hate it.

I hate what we've become, and it makes me sick. You know, my daughter, in sixth grade, some kid threw a Cheeto at her, and her response, she didn't press charges. What she thought free Cheeto and ate it in front of him, and it ruined it for him. She ate it. She ate the Cheeto. She's always been cool. Yeah, that takes a wind out of his sales real quick. Your stepdaughter's a true eater.

You know, you're my best friend. Oh my God. Et to Brute. I got stabbed in the back. And it went right through to my heart. My heart's bleeding. I mean, I heard what Dana said. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

What did Dana say? Oh, my God. That was Dana? Yes, that was Dana. Dana. It's your first day back. Danel. Sorry.

Maybe the fever is still messing with my brain a little bit. He's got brovid. I can't believe you would say such a thing. know what, Nick, I owe you a serious apology. Yes, you do. Save it for tomorrow's live broadcast. I am so, so sorry. From Turtle Lake is, you see. Uh, all right, this is effing wrong.

How in the hell did this get away with this for as long as he did? That's what you're going to be asking yourself after I dump this on you. A guy in Italy, he's been accused of pretending to be totally blind

for 53 years. There's no way. I mean, that would suck so bad. When do you want to come up with something else like a limp? I mean, I could fake a limp relatively easily, but pretending you're blind, that would suck. That's a lot of work. Oh, that's so much worse. I really want to go see this movie, but I freaking can. Unless I say, you know, I just like to hear it. I love to feel the base from the speakers or something. Yeah. It reminds me of that scene from Austin Powers where he walks into the men's room.

And before he really took a full look around him, you know, he sees that there's a bathroom attendant there. And he says, Austin Powers says, you didn't happen to see. And then he turns and faces the bathroom attendant who was completely blind. And Austin Powers says, anything at all. If you guys want some laughs, there's some viral videos going around lately of, like, parents and their kid. And it's the parents saying, like, hey, Can you pretend to be blind for this video? Something about like getting money from a charity or something like that,

seeing if their kid will pretend to be blind. And they are so funny because the kids, I mean, obviously, they have no idea what they're doing. How old are we talking about? Young. Oh, okay. So like, you know, five, six years old. Oh, okay.

The kids, they're such good videos. The kid will just like complete. They're terrible actors? They're terrible actors. Terrible. And they put on some face. And it's like, no, blind people don't just like all of a sudden have a weird look on their face. I have not seen anything like that before.

Oh, they're great. And I'm not trying to be cute by that by saying I have not seen anything like that. Think about how hard it would be just like, you know, I'm not suggesting anyone do this to a legitimate blind person. But if you've got a buddy, you're thinking, boy, I don't know. I think he's faking it. Wouldn't you do stuff like while talking about a serious subject, give him the double bird, make the fake masturbation sign just to see if he laughs? Put him to the test. See if his face changes a little bit?

Box tossing, Jesus says, A dude pretending to be blind for 53 years, is it Stevie Wonder? Don't start. Don't friggin' start with that. Do you believe? I'd like to know if he truly believes that. There's people that do. Whisko's smart-ass firefighter, Jesus said,

but think of all the boobs he gets to see pretending to be blind. Yeah, I suppose people wouldn't be afraid to change in front of you. I would think. Would you, Ashley? I don't change in front of anybody. Even if they're blind, I probably wouldn't. I still wouldn't. You still wouldn't?

Not just in case. All right, this guy in Italy, he's been accused of pretending to be totally blind for 53 F-Me running sideways mean gene years. And it says here during that time, dude collected over $1.16 million. He collected over a million dollars from Disobility. Are you pumping me? Now, the details of this story are shoddy at best. Whoever wrote this here article had a code brown going or something. Probably AI.

AI? You just read an article today saying 53% of the... Oh, no, I just realized maybe it was written by AI. No, no. 53% of the articles you read now are somehow assisted or completely written by AI. Oh, my gosh. By the end of the day, I'd like you to explain to me what AI is. But anyway, there's not much for details here.

It says here the dude. the supposedly blind dude. His name has not been revealed. So he's Italian. Let's call him Italian Donnie. Italian Donnie had apparently been declared completely blind over five decades ago because of a work-related incident. Or at least that's the story Italian Donnie was going with.

Despite the declared completely blind over five decades ago because of a work-related incident thing. Despite all that, something seemed off about Italian Donnie. Somebody or another stepped up and said, I don't know if I'm buying this. So the workplace fraud people over there in Italy upped and decided to follow Donnie and video record him. And the word is they caught him gardening.

He was using what they call here intricate and dangerous hand tools. And they saw Italian Donnie carefully looking at produce at the grocery before buying it. With that evidence, they pounced on Donnie, took his ass to court. He was charged with fraud against the state. And the phony bastard is now on the hook for all that money he took from the disability pot. Over 50 years worth of free monies, one point F me running $6 million. Wow.

I got to say, though, I worked with a guy who was blind, and, I mean, he could do really a lot of stuff. It's amazing how some of your other senses fill in the blanks. I mean, he was, it was impressive. It was a lot different than what I thought, you know, a blind person could do. Very impressive. Could he sing the hell out of, what's that old Stevie Wonder song? What's that old Stevie Wonder song that I still hear now and again? Oh, isn't she lovely?

I love that song. H-back slash R and stuff, Jesus, he kind of feels bad about something. He had a buddy he was suspicious of. He wanted to test whether or not his friend was blind. He put a plunger in his toilet, and it turns out he is blind. Dude.

Mm. Hmm. That's a mean prank. But I guess it's, you figure that out pretty quick. You know, Stevie Wonder only made one really horrible mistake in his life, and it was called That's What Friends Are For. I think that's got to be the one. worst song of all time is that's what friends are for starring stevie wonder don't tell me i believe

it was elton john and dion warwick what about another collaboration do you like abony and ivory i loved it that's a good one i loved it that's what friends are for i'm going to go ahead and for now because i'll likely change my mind that is the worst song ever i don't mind it worse than blister in the sun oh oh yeah Oh, yeah. Stevie Wonder, huh? Yeah. It's horrible.

Just a horrible, boring, cheesy, awful song. And it was the most popular song for the year, I think, 1986. I think it sold that single, I think, sold more than any other single in 1986. You can look it up. I think I'm correct about that. I can't think of it. In good times, in bad times, I'll be there with you forevermore. I like that.

song. Oh, come on. It's Stevie Wonder. Josh, I know who's involved in the song. I do. Stephen's into that deal about Stevie Wonder. Some people think he can see. He said, yeah. If Stevie Wonder

is blind, then the earth is round. Bastards. Stop it. All right, what is this new Kim Kardashian crap? I'm just going to go ahead, even though I'm not sure I understand.

uh, Kim Kardashian. Uh, she's cut loose with a new style of panties. Okay. That's my exact reaction I saw this yesterday, actually. I wouldn't imagine that Kim Kardashian wears drawers very often, but she's, you know, trying to make money. Tough to fit, I bet. No, she's, uh, she's losing it.

I think she's, but they're, that's how they're famous. Yeah, I believe she's, I have no idea what it's called, but like some type of surgery to, like, take all the implant stuff out. Wait, she has butt implants? Yeah. Oh, I just thought she had a big fat ass. I thought that's what people were like, hey, look at this natural big butt. I don't know if it's implants, but it's something, yeah.

Chections or something? Why does she want to shrink her ass? Because I guess the trend is going the other way now where like huge giant butts aren't what everybody's trying to get. She wants her butt to be trendy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's our Kardashians. Well, the new trend is a small ass.

I'll see you guys in a few weeks. I'm going to go over and see the plastic surgeon. What the hell's a matter with us? Anyway. She's having surgeries to take some ass meat out of there, huh? Okay, I'll try to keep up with that. Kim Kardashian has cut loose with a new style of panties. She's selling.

They're called Skims, S-K-I-M-S. That's her, like, a line, right? Yeah. Skims has a lot of different stuff. That's the brand name. skims. These new panties are called skims the ultimate bush. So if I have this correct, when a gal pulls those underwear's on, it looks like she's got a big fat bush blowing around down there. Doesn't this seem a lot more Gwyneth Paltrow, less Kim Kardashian?

Oh, definitely. Seems like something she'd put out. She's always got something. Is this real? Is this a joke? No, this is real? Yeah. Well, I know it's a real product, but is it a joke? I still, Who would need something like that? Nobody. She won't sell one pair. She won't sell one pair. They're already sold out.

She has not sold one pair of those underwear. I promise you. somebody I follow on Twitter reposted this and said, my culture is not your costume. I thought that was coming back, the natural bush. Oh, for Christ's sake. I've been hearing that for 25 years. I'm more of a bush-like guy or, you know, no bush at all. They call this a 70s throwback cubby. They call this the golden era of full frontal foliage.

This is the vibe they're pushing with these new drawers. There's a video running on Instagram where three models are wearing these new fat bush-looking panties. And I'm told they play a game called Does the Carpet? match the drapes. It's a pair of micro-string thong undies. And you can buy them in every kind of pub style, curly, straight, wild, tamed. The slogan is, your kitty, your kingdom. Stupid.

All of it. All of this is absolutely stupid. Don't call it kitty either. And you know how the game is played. We just covered this. Kardashian and the folks behind this nightmare are trying to tell us that, oh, God, they're already sold out. They haven't sold one.

Kim herself says this. The Bush is back, y'all. Well, maybe people are like me because when I saw this, I immediately went on there and was like, all right, I should buy a pair, like out of jokes. It'd be fun to bring it. Like a gay gift. Yeah, it'd be fun to bring it

in here and be like, hey, guys, check this out. Look what this is. So maybe that's, maybe they are sold out, but for that reason. Oh, good point. I'm going to, I'm going to get some Christmas gifts. Yeah, I hope they come back. Wear it around your face sideways like a mustache disguise. Nick. Okay, you don't like, isn't she lovely?

Is it? No, no, I like that song. That's what Friends are for. Yeah, we got it back. I got it backwards. That's what Friends are for. Yeah. Somebody says, what about that compared to Rock Lobster? Not the Family Guy version. Oh, I love that. I got no problem with Rock Lobster.

That's going to be stuck in my head all day. That's what Friends Are For is the worst song of all time. You can keep sending me ideas to maybe change my mind. It is possible to change my mind, but I'm standing my ground right now. I'd rather listen to Rock Lobster 10, 12 times in a row than frigging Dionne Warwick and Stevie Wonder

and Elton John droning on and on and on and on and on about friendship. What about that Lulu album? Metallica's Lulhu. You probably even had it. Never heard it. I've heard bad things about the Metallica Lulu record. Never heard it. Box Dawson Jesus brings up there's a show called C with Jason

Momoa going back to the blind thing. All humans are blind. They fight with swords and stuff. With the exception of the queen and how she prayed, I don't know why that character existed. That shows great. Ashley, I think you'd really like it. Jason Momoa on Apple TV. Everyone on planet Earth is blind and they fight each other to the death? Yeah. And it's awesome watching. You know, it's cool because they kind of explain how they're able to do certain things. And it's a really good show. With the exception of that Queen and how she prays, It's a very good show. Ashley, I know you'd love it.

Yeah, and now I have to see how this woman pray. Yeah, I was going to say, now you got me intrigued. It's disgusting. And now that we've been talking about, this woman and how she prays? Yeah. You know, you can't explain it? Well, I mean, she's praying to God. Oh, there's a lady on the show who masturbates while she prays?

Yeah. Doesn't everybody do that? Well, you know, I grew up very Catholic, went to school, or excuse me, church once or twice a week. and I can see a lot of people praying and never witnessed that before. Well, times are changing, Judge. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning.

I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90. and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.