93X Half-Assed Morning Show - ("Best Of"): Pet Alimony

Episode Date: July 3, 2026

The Best of the Half-Assed Morning Show.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good. What's going on, Habs podcasters? We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard heating and air conditioning come into play. If your AC is out, you shouldn't have to wait. Standard prioritizes homes without cooling, so they got your back.

With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com Providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. You're listening to the 93x Half-Ast morning show, backtracks. Drinking, making out, carrying on while you're watching a movie in public. What did I say here?

Oh, yeah, I mentioned that when we were kids, we used to haul in bottled old Milwaukee to our neighborhood movie theater. Suck down a few. cold ones during the dam. A listener texted in to say that he used to bring a lot of canned beer into the theater. One night he brought in some canned ham's beer to watch one of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Movies, Josh.

He said he would sneeze every time he popped the top to try and mask the sound. He doesn't think anybody was buying it, though. We never brought in beer, but in college a couple times, I'd buy like a flask of Captain Morgan or something, make just a real, real stiff one. I remember one specific time we did it before Borat. So imagine watching Borat for the first time in a pack theater, and you got a good buzz going.

Oh, my God, were we laughing so hard. Yeah, but you were laughing like ridiculous fools. Yes. That was our thing at the high school hockey tournament was we'd bring in the bottle, tuck it into your jacket. And back in those days, security really didn't give two pumps if a high school kid wanted to bring a bottle.

of hooch into the it wasn't the same setting back then so yeah you sneak in the bottle you go over to the concession stand you get yourself a tall glass of a royal crown cola and you mixed us a uh here's a lister who said we would bring shooters and mix them in to the fountain pop the soda fountain fountain soda at the local theater shooters what exactly is a shooter like those little mini bottles and liquor oh the airplane hooch my other fond memory of of watching a movie in the theater. When we were 20, I think we were around 20 years old, and I have no good explanation for this.

We must have just, it must have just been a slow night, and none of us had Dick Tracy to do, because a few of us went and saw one of the Chucky movies. And I hate that crap. I don't know. I must have just been willing to go along with anything that evening, but a few of us went to go see the Chucky movie. and what I will never forget is sitting directly behind us

was about an eighth grade couple who were openly delivering hand relief to each other while Chuckie was doing his thing I mean it was you could hear it they were moaning gross and my buddy Hot Tub had no fear hot tub finally turned around and said

you two are really going to friggin' do this right here right now during the stinking Chucky movie? He had no problems playing the dad role in that situation. That's so great. Even though we were only about six, seven years older than, I mean, the gal's feet were up on the chair in front of her. Not subtle at all. That's disgusting. And then finally a text message here simply says, Josh buys lady shoes.

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. People continue to make fun of what type of. tennis shoes you buy? People were making fun. They were wondering, because I have full-figured feet. So they were saying it sounds like, you know, you're a lady that has curves. Oh.

Yeah. But my feet, yes, they're full-figured. You're curvy down there. They're fat. I'm just trying not to hurt my own feelings. So Ashley once called me bitch pits because I use women's deodorant. Yeah. Can we start calling you bitch kicks, Josh?

Sorry, Dana. Oh, yeah, it's okay. It's actually kind of a deering. It's your destiny. Yeah. My whole life was waiting for that. moment. I like bitch pitch. I do it too. It's funny. It's foul. But yeah, I like it. Ah, on to the stupid news. We're starting off with something just friggin' dumb. This sourdough

bread gimmick has gone too effing far already. I thought we had moved on from that. It's just stupid. It says here, scientists found some yeast in the stomach of a damned ancient mummy. and they used it to make sourdough bread. Come on, you guys. Why? This is how the rage virus starts, right? Doesn't anybody know anything? They've not seen one movie.

They're too busy learning to watch the movies like the rest of us. Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should. Why was the question, Ashley? Because they want to be on board with the sourdough bread trend. And then we'll go back to the bacon and PBR trend. And then we'll go back to the, give me some others. Craft beer.

Well, speaking of craft beer. Okay, so scientists dug some yeast out of the guts of a dead body. And they're going to make some sourdough, or they already did make some sourdough bread. They say their next move is to make some beer from the yeast. just when you thought folks who brew their own beer couldn't get more annoying. I do love a good sourdough, though. That's like the only bread I eat. Stop it.

I don't make it. Stop. You want to walk because it takes too long. You have to like feed your sour dough, I guess. Like you put it in a jar and then you have to like feed the bread stuff. I don't get it. God bless you. I love you.

But Jay Cutler. I'm sorry. It makes no sense to me. I wish I could do it. The scientist found some 5,000-year-old body. Well, actually, where it is, German hikers, Josh. Not only are they German, which can often create problems, but they're also hikers, which bumps it up a notch in my...

These German hikers found this dead carcass way back in the year of 19 and 91. Was that when you were working at that second-rate movie theater? By then I didn't work there anymore, but a couple years before that, yeah. German hikers found this dead carcass. back in 19 and 91. It was a big find, you know, this and that. They say the dead feller, who they named Outsai for,

or something like that, it doesn't matter. They named the character, what must be, maybe it's German, maybe it's Italian, I don't know. They named the character Otsai. They say he was killed by an arrow 5,000 years ago. He must have pissed somebody off.

Yes. That's so sweet. I love that kind of stuff Oatsi has been well preserved since 91 they keep them in a cooler they poke around and F with them now and again they take selfies

they make fun of his pecker so recently they pride open the freezer with Oatsi in there and they found that yeast in his guts and apparently the first idea was to scoop that yeast out the ass of the dead carcass and their first thought was to make bread.

These nut job scientists also said they were able to use some quote brownish water in the dead body to help them make the bread. New guys in the corner, puking his guts out. They admitted that they found

some brownish water and that helped, that assisted the bread making process. Is there a picture of this bread? I don't know. There's a picture of the mummy if you want to see. I guess maybe it's not a mummy, but you want to take a look? Yeah. They bake the bread, Josh.

And then they ate it. Maybe I'd try it. Like that lady who ate the fly and everybody digs Raymond, she ate the fly. You'd try that, Ashley? I mean, it's cool. Oh, gosh, no, not after seeing the mummy. You heard of talk about the brown liquid, right?

Yeah, but it made it more real seeing the body. Does the mummy remind you of anyone? When you look at the mummy, does it remind you of anyone? A little bit like my grandma Helen. Oh! Just coloring's off. Same build. Same level of decomposition.

Your aunt, your grandma Helen. Yeah, my grandma Helen. Dana, do you remember the cartoon? It's something. the cowardly, courage the cowardly dog. Yeah, that sounds right. So this looks like the lady that was in the wheelchair in that TV show. I got to look it up.

Just like shriveled up. Oh, yeah. Here's a listener. Mediocre machinist, Jesus. He said he learned about this mummy back in high school yestery class. He says the mummy is the pronunciation of it. name is Oat C, not Oatsi. He learned about this some bitch back in high school, Josh.

I remember that now. He had a partner name Halsey. It was Halsey and Oatsy. They eventually broke up. They had some hits. I'll tell you right now, you're a rich girl. And we have gone too far. I was in high school in 1991.

We never learned about Oatsy. Well, you guys were Catholic. I don't think I don't think I ever learned either. Catholics don't believe in mummies. Is that right? Right. I don't remember. I mean, you can make an argument that we do believe the dead can come back.

Right, but you don't believe in. So anyone want to put a word in now for that first can of beer they mix up from the rotting insides of a 5,000-year-old intestine? Nope. I think I'd rather buy an influencer's bathwater than I would drink from. something like that. If those are the two choices, yeah. I'm with you, Josh. Bathwater.

I'd rather drink a dozen different things. What about a jar of flagellons? I've done that, so I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I've been fooled by one Ashley back when Gatorade came in the glass jars. That's so crazy. What do you think you're dealing with a rookie? I've drank a fart.

I'm a fart eater. Good to know. You think you're talking to a couple of novices? I thought so. I'm sorry for us. You think we haven't lived? I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't know why they do these silly things.

Leave the dead guy be, will you? We're digging around in his ass so they can make beer and bread. That's another one of those things. It seems like comes up in the stupid news a lot where somebody has an idea. And then you think, how did they get? They must be so persuasive and engaging. Convinced to other people, yeah, let's make some bread out of this. I would think they were a cycle.

Yeah, I would think that maybe. Yeah, you're right. I'd be a little uneasy. And I knew this was going to happen as soon as I mentioned that they were going to make beer from the brown fluid that they found in this dead body.

I knew as soon as I mentioned they were going to make beer out of it that people would start texting in saying, well, it would be better than this brand of beer or that brand of beer or this beats the hell out of a special export. I love it. I love that vibe.

I love the beer hating back and forth. All right. I find it very interesting how completely different some folks' lives are compared to my own. Like, say, the life of a cockroach breeder. Now, I have nothing personal against cockroach breeders. I just can't picture living that life. So I find it very interesting how different their lives are compared to mine. Day in, day out, your ass deep in cockroaches. I don't think I would make it, Josh.

No, I mean, I only enjoy. enjoyed one cockroach, and that's our former mascot hissing Jesus, who Ashley, you developed a connection with. And then your mom, I think, became closer with. My mom and dad got weirdly into him. I left him at their house because at the time, I think I was, like, moving around. And they fell in love. I was like, I'm going to come get him. And she was like, no, this is ours now.

She would say that if she put him in a room and then she, like, walked into that room, that as little antennas would go crazy. Like he knew when she was around. So it was weird. I think she even got him a Christmas present. Jesus. I love that. I have to be totally honest with you.

I have no idea what we're talking about. How dare you forget him? You don't remember hissing Jesus? I remember the name. What was? He was around for like months. Yeah, we had him in studio for a really long time. Oh, a pet cockroach.

Yeah. Okay. I guess from where you used to sit in that studio, you couldn't really see him when I brought him in. So maybe out of sight, out of mind. a cockroach breeder by damn in an awful sounding place called Wellington, New Zealand. The local cops had to pounce on a feller and take him to jail. It says here, keeping live cockroaches is illegal out that way. So the police loaded up and raided a dude's property.

And they confiscated more than 100,000 live cockroaches. He was breeding them. He was keeping them on his property, and that's not allowed. It goes into the record books as New Zealand's largest ever seizure of exotic intervertebrates, whatever that means. The brand of cockroaches turned out to be Madagascar hissing cockroaches and Dubai cockroaches, if that means anything to you. Those little ugly bastards are worth a lot of money. It says here, $142,000. I think they mean the whole pile of them, not just one. $142,000.

Ashley, if you saw you're in a dating app and somebody puts in their profile, they are a cockroach breeder. Do you continue on? Or would you give them an opportunity at a first date? I would give an opportunity at a first date just because that's so interesting. I mean, how often do you run into something like that? I would love to have those conversations. And then, you know, depending on what level of weird.

Because you know they're at least on the scale of weird. Right. Yeah. How many other weird things do they have besides cockroach? breeding. We all are, but yeah, they might be a couple of notches ahead. But I mean, it sounds cool. It's something that would be fun to learn about, I guess. The Madagascar hissing flavor cockroach is one of the world's biggest, again, if that matters at all to you. They go up and around three inches in length. Australia and New Zealand are apparently crawling with the bastards. Experts of all

things, bugs and whatnot say that this breeder dude, who is off to jail now, he was likely selling them as reptile food. to feed your goofy pet snake or your stupid pet lizard. We saw, we watched a, do you remember this? Nick, we watched a praying mantis. I think that's what it was, eat a cockroach. Yeah, I remember. Wasn't that the same day we got the cockroach?

Yeah, and they like, they fought. That was, that was crazy. That kind of messed me up for a little bit. I'm not going to lie. I do remember the praying mantis. That was disturbing, but also super cool. Praying mantis reminded me of a sci-fi movie. saw years ago where some giant

character was stomping a city into dust. I wish I could remember what movie that was, but... Was it the deadly mantis? No. The deadly mantis. Were you going back to the 50 creature feature type stuff, Josh? Oh, that's 57. Yeah,

there's a TV show called Praying Mantis. Well, this one was, this was like late 90s. There was some movie where a massive alien was stomping a city into dust, and it kind of was shaped like a praying mantis. So that, I do remember that, Ashley. What do I have here?

Both Madagascar hissing and Dubai cockroaches can't be legally kept bread or sold, no matter what in New Zealand. You want to know why, Cubby? Why? Because they could spread disease or harm the wildlife. They could. And then we're all screwed. I worked at a restaurant where we, it seemed like we breeded cockroaches.

Man, those things. I've never seen one in the wild, like out and about, and I don't think I could handle that well. I have those stupid cicadas. Is that what they're called? Yes. They, like, those are, they're really dumb bugs. And so they'll, like, run into stuff in my garage, and then I find them there in the morning, like, laying on the ground. Dead.

But I still, like, I can't handle that just because their legs freaks me out. Those are the ones that you thought it was the sun making the cicada noise? Yes. and then realized it was cicadas making cicada noises? I thought that was just what the sun did when it was really hot. It lined up. Don't even ask Josh what he thought the sun was capable of back in the day. Freaking monster.

All right, so this is my favorite part of the story. The cockroaches that were seized from Dinkus's cockroach breeding farm, they're going to be euthanized. Wouldn't a boot heel just do the trick? What are you going to do? Like put them in a... I don't know. They put them in a bucket and put it in some kind of chamber and turn on the gas.

Yeah, because you're not going to sit there and like inject every single one of them with like a little... We can't just use a... Like a tiny electric chair? Yeah, that's what I'm figuring. Six, seven guys wearing cowboy boots couldn't handle this. We got to... They're going to be euthanized. Why don't they just feed them to lizards and whatnot?

Yeah, I feel like that's a huge waste. I thought that's what they did with those things. Or we learned a praying mantis would take care of. that. Here's a guy who knows some things about bugs. Poop foot Jesus. Are you talking about cockroaches here? He sent a text that says they come

out of the ground, they mate and almost instantly die. They aren't dumb. Oh, maybe they're talking about cicadas because I said they were dumb. Oh, that must be what he's talking about. He must know his insects. Oh, here it is. Yeah, Coca-Cola Jesus answered what movie

I was referring to? Clovers Field. Oh, I liked that movie. Wasn't that more like late 2008-9? 2008, Josh, you're right? Yeah, I think I said 90s. You could have given me all day to try to... I guess they do look like praying man to sit.

I didn't see that. It was terrible. I had no idea that's what you were talking about. I heard it wasn't very good. Absolutely. I liked it. There was nothing likable about that movie. I can't explain this guy. I'm not sure anybody could.

an old-timer in friggin' Hong Kong. They call it Hong Kong. He's a 70-year-old at this point. He did something really, really odd. See if he can follow this. He grabbed a steel elevator door from his apartment buildings lobby. So a steel elevated door, elevator door, had been delivered to his apartment complex. Big fat ass steel door.

They were going to repair the elevator doors. Dude grabbed one of the doors, dragged it on up to his apartment, and then he took to attacking it with a chainsaw. Does he not want the elevator to be safe? That comes off a little strange, don't you agree? I totally agree. Maybe he's encouraging folks to up there,

step count every day? Yeah, get your cardio in. Word is an elevator technician guy was working on replacing the elevator doors in the building. Dude took a smoke break. And Dinkas grabbed one of those doors when nobody was looking, and off he went. Next thing you know, he's priming up his husk varnah or his Echo or his steel or his Makita Chianasaw. God, help us, I bet that made a racket. Once dude started going all Jesse James Dupree

on a steel elevator door? That's what I was thinking, too. In his little apartment? Oh, dude, it's like nails on chalkboard. The folks that lived in the complex with them said they thought it was Armageddon. It was so frigging loud. Oh, you guys ever, obviously, everyone's done this. When your fork slips, when you're eating and it like scrapes your plate,

I imagine it's just that times 100. They thought the whole building was coming down. Folks kicked down the door. They stopped this old guy from likely accidentally cutting into an artery in his leg or something. He was having such an odd tantrum up there. They tackled him to the ground. They beat the piss out of him. And he was arrested.

No one has a clue what the hell got into the guy. Who in their right mind acts like that? And why? I know. Nobody knows. Is no one asking why he has a guy? a chainsaw, this listener said, when he lives in an apartment? I was thinking it must have a job doing something where he requires a chainsaw.

I would hope. Otherwise, yeah, he's a psycho. Maybe he's just bad bleep crazy. He's a murderer. He definitely is. There's evidence there. I've never been that mad at a door. Boy, I'll tell you, if you watched American Choppers back in the day, they hated doors.

I used to watch that all the time. Their door budget must have been out of this world. Never saw it. I don't think it's something you would like. What was the problem with the doors? Well, they'd get angry at each other, and then they'd rip doors off of hinges, kick through doors. That was crazy. Also, why was I watching that with my dad when I was like six years old?

That's awesome. I was hooked on that show. In college. Eventually, I got kind of tired of it. In college, our sophomore year, a buddy of mine, he went back home for the weekend for something or another, but we knew he had beer in his room and he had locked the door. So he came back to not having a door anymore. We just knocked the door in to get the beer that he had in his room.

Oh, you kicked it in. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I suppose, yeah, I've seen doors take the brunt of a few people's psychotic actions. Yeah, we beat the, now that you bring it up, we were always tearing doors to pieces when we were 18 to 22. You know, you get pissed, you punch your door. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You know, you know who was hell on your average door? Doorknob, Josh? Who? My brother and my dad, growing up with the two of them, I don't know why. But when they turned a doorknob on a door, they put all of their weight into it. And then usually would turn it the wrong way the first time and then would wrench at it. It would frustrate it. Then they'd wrench at it because it wouldn't know.

Do you understand what I mean? Yeah, weird. Instead of just lightly grabbing the doorknob and twisting it to the, for whatever reason they would put all their weight into it. Like it was a prison cell. So doorknobs all over our house were loose. Always. Always.

I didn't understand it. It's a friggin' simple operation. But these two guerrillas couldn't figure it out. I can't think of how much pressure I put on one. I don't think I go crazy on doorknops. I think I'm rather gentle. It's just a stupid little fact. My brother and my dad could never figure out.

All right. What time is it? Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good. What's going on to Habs, podcasters? We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard heating and air conditioning come into play.

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Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The half-assed morning show backtracks. This is how we make our living. We get it started at the break-a-dawn, Cubby.

Yeah, the crack of dawn. Yeah, it's a little early. Sucks. Every once in a while we'll get somebody who checks in that might not be, if you're listening live, you know, it might not be up this early normally. Oh, right. And one of them is Polish crooked-nose Jesus,

who simply said, waking up early sucks. Sucks. That's right. Every freaking time. There hasn't been one time where I enjoyed it. No. This has been 30 years.

Every single time it sucks. We hope everyone's getting it done. Welcome to the Half-Ass Morning Show. If you're awake and you're listening, you know it sucks, but this is what we do. And we regret every single solitary minute of it. We do. You know what Americans want?

want, Josh. What do we want? Well, one particular American, John J. Rambo, I think he wanted his country to love him as much as he loves it. True. But that was a deeper kind of a thing. We're not headed in that direction, really. You know what Americans want? They want two point four more hours, two point four more hours a day to have fun. That'd be cool. Sure. Huh? Yeah. Why not? And you know what kind of fun they're looking to have? It says here watching television, seeing your family and friends, dining out, outdoor activities, personal hobbies, and playing games. Those are the things we want, and we want 2.4 more hours a day to do it. That'd be delightful.

It's not going to happen, but that's what we want. I want to use those hours to sleep. Is that possible? Does that work? Whatever you want. Let me see here. Let me look at the rundown. No, you are not allowed to sleep.

Whatever you want. You need to do activities, Ashley. We've talked before about revenge staying up, where you just stay up later because your day was so busy, you just want something to do to chill. And you know the next day you're going to be paying for it. I am a revenge stayer-upper. So am I.

Me too, especially on the weekends. I was raised on that. Oh, really? I was raised on revenge-staying-uping. My parents didn't want a medal. They wanted us to make up our own decisions on that. I ended up going revenge staying up. My wife sometimes doesn't understand if I want to go to bed at a reasonable time on a work

night. Oh, yeah. Hell about that. Yeah. Oh, you're looking at me like you can sympathize? Yeah. Empathize. I can empathize.

Yeah. So sometimes I end up. She breaks your balls when you want to go to bed? I wouldn't say breaks my balls, but it's pretty clear that she's like, oh, okay, if you need to go to bed. Dude, I, I'm not jealous of you guys because if I say the, the word bet my husband's like yes let's go to bed please anytime i could say it at five o'clock and he'd be like yes so that's pretty cool that you've got that going and i'd be concerned maybe he has narcolepsy

yeah he actually he's he's incredible if i'm always sleep anywhere it's so annoying terribly depressed one or the other five o'clock you're shuffling in to might as well go to bed or maybe he's trying to wait you out to get something and he knows well the sooner we go to bed sooner we can get that over with. Get that over with. There is probably a touch of that. All right, so let's go the opposite of fun here. I can't help it.

I'm really drawn to this next subject. I want to throw your way. But just, again, to recap, Americans are bitching up and down. We want two or so more hours a day to have more fun. And I get it. I absolutely get that. I'll bitch right along with you if you ask me to. Let's go the other direction, the opposite of fun.

just because maybe I enjoy a darker subject. Recently, Josh, I ran into a couple of gal friends of mine, and the both of them are going through, they're both going through a separate divorce. Oof. Amicable or one of the bad ones? One of them? One of them sounds pretty standard, cliche. I'll take the van, you take the dog, kind of a thing, right? The other sounds nasty.

nasty. So I was kind of drawn into hearing their drama. Have you had one this bad? Actually, I think you've told me at least off air before you have. There was one time, it's got to be 15 years ago, where we were hanging out with a friend and banded up leaving. And I turned to my wife. And I wasn't trying to be funny. I said, I'm a little concerned. That's the last time we will ever see that person alive again. Their divorce was so contentious. And there were so many crazy things going on. I thought this is going to end up on the news somehow. It's funny you say that.

I have a couple of pals where when they walk out of the bar, I think maybe it's the last time I'm ever going to see them, Josh, but it's not because of a divorce. It's because they're still married. There are a lot of problems going on. So what's the nastiest, ugliest, ugliest divorce story you've ever heard? Like, say, the cheap shots that couples throw back and forth

when involved in the court. process or hanging on to something that means nothing to them but they know how much it means to the other person. Nasty insults or ridiculous demands. Can you think of anything? No, not at the top of my head. Some kind of dark ones, you know.

I mean, certainly like using the kids against the other one. Oh yeah, that's messed up. Pets. I've heard that about pets. I had some friends that got divorced and they had shared custody of their dog. Like every other week. Every other week.

Not weekends. Just every other week? Every other week. That makes it hard on the dog. Yeah, that's crazy. He's fine. Just pick one and go with it. He'll forget about you.

Well, it has nothing to do with that. It's just to spite the other one. Sure. Then you've got to see them every week. Yeah, no, thank you. Could you imagine, like, meeting somebody and going on a date with them and you find out that they're sharing their dog with their ex? If anybody wants to go ahead and text,

651-989-933-93, what's the nastiest, dirtiest divorce story? Details. You know, we don't have a lot of room on our text machine, but enough for you to give us a decent idea. The nastiest, dirtiest divorce information you could pass our way. I've had a few friends go through some ugly ones. I really can't think of anything that's going to knock your D in the dirt as far as nastiness.

Just a lot of, like Josh said, you know, the kids are being used as, what's the word I'm looking? Tools against each of torture against each other. You know, mom doesn't let the kids do Dick Tracy, but dad's got them drinking and dialing up hookers, you know what I mean, to show I'm the cool parent, she's the terrible parent, that whole game. But these are...

I've mentioned this before. I have noticed this, that friends who have gotten divorced with kids or family members, that first Christmas is awesome for those kids. They get anything they want. See, my parents didn't play that game. I wish they would have hated each other enough to use us as tools in their battle against each other. Christmas remained pretty eventless in my family even after the divorce.

So here are some of the stories people are sharing on the godless internet. It was so nasty between one couple that the judge had to schedule. I think I understand this. The judge had to schedule closet time. So they're still living. I think this is what's happening. The couple is in the middle of a divorce. They're still living together.

They were so nasty with each other that one, say the husband was scheduled. He had an hour window of time in the closet to pick out his outfit, right? And then he had to leave the room completely. And then the wife had her closet time. They couldn't even, they couldn't be in the same room together for more than an hour just to pick out their clothing. So they had to have closet time scheduled by the judge. Maybe they even had a cop in there watching them. I don't know.

Wow. That's bad. That's bad. That's really bad. Stories like these make me so thankful that mine was so easy. Yeah, I know, Nick, you had a very easy divorce as well. Well, yeah. When you don't love each other at all and never have.

Never have. Right, Dana? loved her in the first place. I won't go that far, but yeah. And it comes to an end. Who cares? And of course, I'm kidding. I had some feelings for my first wife for a little while. I keep meaning to take a, maybe next time you guys are over, I'll have to give you a tour of our closet. And you can see the comedy of how much my wife uses and how much I use. I mean, I think she has probably 97%. Well, can't you get your own. You got a big damn house. Well, I guess I could go to a day. I don't really need much, though. I could live out of a suitcase. Oh, yeah, Josh. I don't have a single thing.

thing in the master bedroom. My closet is in one of the guest rooms. I don't even need one. I mean, eventually she's got so many clothes, I'll probably get kicked out. Hey, let me tell you something. I got the big closet. Do you? Yeah. Well, it's your house first. That's a big bastard.

And I got a lot of clothes. Do you really? Yeah. Concert teas and whatnot? Mostly. Oh, that makes sense. There's nothing fancy. Actually, we were expecting that you had like a closet full of suits and sport coats or something? For some reason in my head, I was imagining like sweaters. and stuff. No, I've got one

outfit that I wear to funerals and weddings. Yep, that's my, I got the same thing. So you've got hundreds of shirts and dozens of sleeves. Oh, yeah, right. That's how you roll? Yeah, I got a lot of clothes. Okay, how about this one? Jesus, you know, again, what did you say earlier? Josh,

there was a couple fighting over the dog just to use the dog as a weapon. Yeah, leverage was the word we were looking for earlier. Thank you, brother. One half of a ugly divorce demanded $200,000 a year just to maintain a pet parakeet. I mean, just turning the screws. Just turning the screws for no good reason. I mean, it didn't happen.

Eventually, it says here eventually there was still 10 grand put aside for the bird to care for the bird. Originally they wanted $200,000 just to make the other one sweat. a little bit. Chaos coordinator, Sheez said, in her parents' divorce, she was traded for a car. And her dad her dad proceeded to remind me about that all my life. I was

like one. I'm 35. Thanks, Mom. Traded her for a car. That's so sad. I don't want the kid. I want the Mustang. So dad busts her chops by saying, you know, I could have had a car. Yeah. But instead I got you. You guys seen that viral photo of the 90s.

It's a divorce courtroom. And there's a man and a husband and wife sitting on the ground divvying up beanie babies. Oh, yeah, I have seen that video. Is that real or is that a joke? No, that was real. Really? At the time, because remember, people thought beanie babies were their retirement plan. Oh, definitely. They're so big.

So they're literally sitting there crisscross applesauce going, all right, I'll take Petey the Dragon. Okay, I'll take Sammy the lion going back and forth, drafting beanie babies in a divorce settlement. That ain't right. More anxiety than here Jesus has two closets in their house? Two. How much clothes do you have? Or maybe they're... You've got a lot.

The house I grew up in the closet for tiny, like a little reach-in closet. I mean, there was... Dude. Oh, that's what we had, too. Three feet wide? Yeah. If even. Me and my husband have two closets and we split both of them.

I'm not greedy. I do have a lot of clothes, though. Most of them are in, like, those storage containers. There you go. Oh, here's a husband who demanded a DNA test on his wife's drawers. to prove that she was cheating on them. That's insane. Chill out, dude.

You know, you do a little scrapey scrape in there. I'm sure that's money related, don't you think? Right? Maybe they can get out of some sort of if they had a pre-nup. Yeah. Have you guys heard of that before? Women will check your drawers when you throw them. Yeah.

I mean, I remember the song, smell your drawers or smell your D or something. It was foul. Smell you. Yeah. When it came out, we played it. There was a song called Smell Your D? I think it was called Smell Your D.

Let me look at it. This was a rock song that we played on the... No, no. This was something we played because it was so ridiculous. Oh, no, I don't recall Smell Your D. I've never done that. I can probably say. Yeah.

Somebody, yeah, smell your D. So in this case, this was a husband who thought his wife was banging other fellers in town. So he demanded a DNA test on her drawers to try to scrape up some of that... I've heard dudes in the past, you know, cheating stories back and forth. One of them says, you know, when you get home, throw those underwear's away. Because your wife will grab them out the laundry.

Oh, God, there was a couple who fought over a single pair of crocs. No, you take them. No, no, no, no, you take them. Was it that way? I don't want them. You take them. Nobody wanted him in the house. But, you know, you know how this stuff.

you know what it really is all about. It's just about making the others' life as impossible as you can. A lot of times in Josh's news report, he has a story where someone gets stabbed to death over a fish sandwich. Well, it really wasn't over a fish sandwich. No, that was just the final straw. What is this now? Oh, Jesus, I think I remember this effing guy. We're talking about nasty, awful, terrible, hurtful divorce proceedings.

where it's just the bad blood is everywhere. I think I remember seeing this Packerhead, where he literally grabbed a hand saw and cut the family home in half and then hauled away what he believed to be his half, he hauled it away on a trailer. Yeah. Now this was like in the jungles of Cambodia because some of you are probably saying, well, how to hell do you cut a house in half with a, well, apparently this guy really wasn't.

They lived in a hut in Cambodia in the middle of, and he literally took a saw and cut the pig in half and said, this is my stuff, goodbye. Not the same, but do you remember the story about there was two neighbors and they had a big tree that kind of was in both their yards? One of the neighbors wanted it gone. The other one's like, no, it's a beautiful tree. So he cut that tree in half like lengthwise? Sounds right. You know, the spite's kind of funny. But at the same time, come on, man.

Must look so stupid. It's a hilarious idea. All right, so dude, here we are. Dude donated his kidney to his wife to save her life. But then things fell apart years later. They're going to get a divorce. dude asked for his kidney back You can't do that

There's no backsies on that He said either give me the kidney back Or give me $1.5 million for it Is that the going rate for a kidney these days On the dark web? Well this guy is a doctor Oh okay So he would probably know

The judge threw that idea out Yeah, I don't know I bet he regrets that looking back I was kind of in the moment there I do remember this one Thank you for the text. Did you see the story about when the wife was out of town? The husband got busted for cheating because of the scale.

Yes. So they had one of those, like the fancy scales that'll log your weight on an app. Oh, yes. And she noticed that the app showed someone got on the scale two in the morning that weighed 120 pounds while she was out of town. So she realized, well, that's not my husband. Who would have thought? I mean, that's on her. She must be pretty bright to figure something like that.

That's a terrible way to find out. It might take me all day to figure that one out, but I think I know what you're saying. Way over there in Australia, a judge awarded a family farm to the wife. Okay? The divorce, in the divorce, the family farm went to the wife. Now, on the property of that family farm were the parents, I'll get there. On the property of that family farm where the husband's dead parents were buried. on the property of that family farm.

This wife hated the son bitch so bad, her ex-husband. She demanded he dig up his folks and move him somewhere else. Oh, geez. Get your dead parents out of here, too, you bastard. Sounds like he had to do it. That's cold blood. I can't imagine having that much hate in my heart. Yeah.

Wow. In 1988, some derelict won the Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, no, sorry. I'll get there. A gal had a clause in their pre-nup, I think, where she was entitled to half of any future Nobel Prize, her husband might win, okay? This was decided in 1988. She was entitled to half of any future Nobel Prize her husband might win. And then the Jagoff went ahead and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1995 and had to pay her half. and had to pay her half of the $1.2 million prize money.

This might come as a shock to you guys, but my ex-wife did not include a future of me winning a Nobel Peace Prize Clause in our divorce. Yeah, you're not very peaceful. You're a violent man. I had a question now when I lost it on this one. Oh, how did he agree to that? Why did he agree to that? That's all I was wondering.

Maybe there was something he really wanted and thought, well, what's the likely that I'm going to win this thing? Or maybe because he was just a pushover. You know what I mean? Some guys. Well, he is peaceful. I mean, proof of that. He's agreeable. I didn't think of it that way, but obviously he is.

Oh, and then back to this pet support idea. A woman with 10 cats and five dogs requested nearly $800 a month in pet support to keep the animals in the lifestyle that they were accustomed to. Well, I mean, I don't know, maybe I'm stoned. But $800 a month to care for 10 cats and five dogs sounds like a person. pretty good deal to me. Yeah, that doesn't sound, yeah. That doesn't sound outrageous to me.

I should have asked for, like, pet alimony, I guess, when me and my husband got divorced. Because my dog, the reason that she eventually ate her leg is because she had like a little cut on it. And my husband is the, or my ex-husband, Jesus, ew. My ex-husband was the reason that that happened in the first place. Okay. If you're just tuning in, you're new to the show. So Ashley has a dog with only three legs because the dog ate off one of its legs.

Yeah, and then we had to amputate the rest. Now, how is that your husband's fault out of curiosity? Because it all started because he is the reason that she had a cut on her leg. And so once she like smelt the blood and like had a taste for blood after that, it just never stopped. Well, yes, but how is he the reason that she has a cut on his leg? I think is what Josh was at. Oh, she was like laying by a door and he like opened up the door and jammed her foot under her. It was a freaking accident.

Nope. You're going to... Not an accident. I should have asked. I didn't think she was going to be as much money as she is. You would never be the type of person to ask her pet. Of course not. I was like, yeah, these are my dogs.

I'm taking them. Can you picture this, Josh, in court? So, because one day, my husband opened a door and it cut the dog's leg. And so it's his fault from there. The judge will be rolling his eyes going, get out of here. An accidental dog leg. The judge would probably... and be like, just put her down.

What are you doing? The ugly divorce, yeah. I sat down with these two gal friends the other day for a couple of beers. I just accidentally ran into them. One of them was telling me, yeah, I got to sign this, and I got to take my boat out of there, and I got to get my clothes out of there. You know, very basic.

The other one was saying, I am on the beginning stages of what likely will be the ultimate nightmare. That sucks. using the children against each other and fighting over every last penny. That's not good for anybody. No. Not the real Jesus said his supervisor got divorced.

He was caught cheating, and it was due to hotel soap. The wife knew he was sleeping around because he would shower at the hotel and it wasn't his usual body wash smell. I'm not smart enough to put that together. Unless I was already suspecting it, I guess. Maybe I'd look for any clue.

I would notice. You would notice? Yeah, if he all of a sudden started smelling differently. I'm like, what do you got going on? What's up here? She noticed that the smell coming off of them wasn't his usual body wash. It was that cheap, extra slippery hotel soap. Why is it so slippery?

I don't know. Or is that just the water? I don't know. It's either the water or the cold conditions. I think the soap is extra slippery and it weep. It goes straight up in the air. It really is. It lands on the...

I've never thought about that. Pull my back out of place, bending over to get the... That's really interesting. Those chicks, man, they'll get you, Josh. I've been warning you for years to keep it in your pants. You don't listen. Hell no, man. I want to be banging.

Yeah. Covey want to be banging. Yeah, there's a couple lawyers out there that they make it very clear that they hate the opposite sex. And that's the one you want. I hate men or I hate women. You get a divorce? Find yourself a nasty, hateful lawyer?

Yeah, that's what you need, right? Yeah, that sounds like it would work. I mean, if you're going to have a bad divorce, I suppose that's probably who you want. So any of you who are in the middle of a nasty divorce right now, we're sending you all the sympathy in the world, unless it's your fault, then suck it up. Suck it smooth up.

Feel for you. I've seen it just change a person's appearance. dramatically. Losing weight, hair falls out, hair turns white. Well, again, I mean, my brother and I almost killed my mother at a young age through our behavior. This is just in generalities, speaking of how stress and this and that can affect your appearance, like Josh just said. He's seen it change people's appearance dramatically.

My brother and I were such colossal, derelict pain. in the ass when we were kids when my mother finally moved out. She said, I'm not doing this anymore and she moved out. She went and lived somewhere else. I didn't see her for like six months. And when I saw her, I didn't even recognize her because she had shed so much weight and just looked so much younger now that the stress of being in charge of my brother and I was no longer her problem.

But on the topic of divorce issues specifically, yeah, my folks, they had their fights, but they did it away from us. You know, they didn't put us through a lot of that. I certainly overheard some of that stuff while I was trying to fall asleep as a kid. All couples are going to fight. You can't hide all of the conflict. But my folks made it pretty easy on us.

It was, well, except for the part when they blamed us. Yeah, I love telling people that story. That's one of Josh's favorite stories. That's good because every time, hey, you know, you always hear they tell the kids it's not your fault. You know, sometimes you might care about somebody It doesn't work out and that's okay The old man looked dead into my brother's eyes

And dead into my eyes Left my sister out of it My dad looked dead into our eyes And said, this is your fault Tough to take when you're 12 When you're 12 year old I gotta tell you Josh That was that weighed on me for maybe six, eight hours

I could see what And then I got over it because I was 12 But So messed up. He had a bag packed on his shoulder, and he said, this is your fault. Goodbye.

I'm going to live with Bobby. He did. He went to live with his buddy Bobby. I bet they had some good times. Oh, they had some great times. Oh, actually, first he went and lived with Charlie. Charlie was the good time guy. When my dad got thrown out the house,

he went and lived with Charlie. Charlie was a pool hustler by trade. Oh, sweet. You want to talk about learning some things as a 12-year-old going to visit my dad who was living with an outlaw pool hustler. That is really cool. That's how you learn some lessons. That's how you learn about life. Did your dad, like, start, like, buy a laser disc player and an Atari and get cable television and stuff like that?

No, just a lot of bottled Budweiser from what I could tell. There was a lot of bottle Budweiser at Charlie's place. Empties. You're listening to the 93X-Htallfast Morning Show, Backtracks. joined in studio today by our longtime pal C. Willie Miles. Welcome back to the half-fast morning show. And what a hell of a crowd. Weird.

What a crowd you've proven to be this morning. I didn't think you could do it. What? I didn't think they could do it, C. C. Wally. Your name is C. Willie. I'll be whoever you need me to be. They can get through the morning, brother.

I had my doubts. Well, we got a great crowd out there after all. See Willie Miles. Let's bring C. Willie in on a couple of things we've covered so far this morning. See, Willie, have you ever noticed just how enormous a set of ears? Oh, geez. Josh has hanging off of his skull? I have.

God darn it, are you serious? I have seen them. Wow. And I'm not, I'm just saying, man. I mean, it's like, it's not like you can't see him. Yeah. You know, they're there. And they're pretty, as my wife would say, pronounced.

Well, they're pronounced. This is news to me. I just learned this yesterday from my 14-year-old who's making funny me. Right. Saying my ears stick out too far. Poor Josh. Just so you know, there's like with your earphones on and your earphones off. Same energy.

Same energy. Well, see, Willie, I was telling them earlier, I was asking how much money he has to pay to get custom headphones made to cover those things. They look like big pink satellite dishes. Josh, have you seen some of the pictures that our listeners have been creating on their own? and then sending to the radio station? Oh, no. A few of them have been texted in where you have giant elephant ears hanging off the...

Oh, shoot, I missed those. Ah, man. His kid pointed it out the other day and then... That's funny. My kids are dicks. I'd never noticed it. Well, your kids in general are ungrateful and a little mean to you. Yeah, they were my biggest tormentors.

Is that right? They point stuff like that, and I've never noticed. Nobody's ever told me. Mount Rainier over here. Apparently. Oh, it's all a bit. I don't even care. Although it's weird.

They are pretty big. They are pretty big. But we're exaggerating it for comedic purposes. It's been a lot of fun this morning. See, Willie, they've been mean. They said, like, my ears of, my son brought this up last night, too, saying it's a good thing I work in radio so I can help with the reception. And they're saying, like, if I turn my head. in certain ways.

I noticed that your ears, which sort of act like satellite dishes, which absorb the signal from our tower and shore view, I noticed this just today when your ears came up into the conversation. When you turn your head a certain way, we kind of start to lose our frequency. I think they're messing with me. But I've been keeping my head straight so it doesn't happen.

You have been looking directly straight into the microphone ever since we brought this up. So hilarious. Do you want to try moving your head one way or the other? Well, I don't want to upset anybody. We're not going to upset anybody. Which way is worse? I'll look that way and see if there's any.

Go left first. Left towards C. Willie? Yes. All right. Oh, blah, blah, blah, bring her back. Bring it back. Yeah. Let's try.

Let's try to the right. Okay. This is unbelievable. That's even worse. That's even worse. I don't hear it. Do you have any fillings on one side of your mouth or anything? I don't hear it.

Fun fact, I've only had a half a cavity. So just one half-filling. You are very lucky. Healthy. You're very orally healthy. All right. Also, something that we covered earlier, C. Willie Miles, do you remember the trend about 20 years ago where you had to have, in your motor vehicle, you had to have the base so over the top loud that it would rattle.

My God, yes. The neighborhood to its core. I had a Nova that had the boomer in the trunk when I tell you the, when I hit the bass on that bad boy. So you were one of those drivers who wanted the whole county to know what song you were listening to? Absolutely. This got brought up earlier. I don't remember exactly how or why. But that drove me up a wall.

I could not stand hearing every loose screw in that motor vehicle. Raddle, baby. Here's a text that came in on the topic, and then we can move on. The loud car stereos with all the bass. Who is this? Offended millennial Jesus says, as long as the car stereo is loud enough to drown out my scream crying, that's all that matters.

Covey. What, I dropped a pen, I may stop. Some bitch bent over to pick up a pen. I dropped my pen. And we lost signal. The scream crying in the car. That's funny. I hope you're really not scream crying in your motor vehicle,

but your text was... You ever spotted that while driving down the road? Someone in the lane next to you? Just in the rearview mirror. The best place to cry in your car. There was an old ban in the 90s, wasn't there, Josh, called Driving and Crying. Yeah. Are you a drive-crier?

What's going on? Oh, yeah, 100%. What's causing you to drive cry? I don't know, just life in general. It's been a minute. Like how often? Maybe I'll do it today. I hope not.

She is, I don't know, maybe at least like once or twice a month. Do you ever leave the house so you can take a drive cry? Yes, I've done that. Do you? Well, now I'm worried about you. I'm postpartum, all right? It's all right. We've got a lot going on.

Offended millennial Jesus was just trying to make a joke, and now we've turned to 100% concern over Ashley. I'll be okay. I know a guy who's been made fun of a ton today for his appearance. He might be doing some scream crying on the way. You will. I don't want it to fold who it is. Do not scream crying on your way home.

Call me if you begin scream crying. I do have to duck my head in a weird way to get in the car. Maybe now. Maybe now it makes sense. All right. Here's something we hope you really like. And we can get back to drive crying. Sorry.

A little bit later. It's all right. If you want to... If you need any help, Ashley, we're here to further discuss drive crying or cry driving, whichever you want to say. Here's something we hope you really like. I got a kick out of this. There's something out there now called the Boomer Bad News Drop. I'll tell you what, I love this because it explains a lot.

My mom is so guilty of this, and now we have a name. It's kind of like when you got something good. going wrong. You're just, you're not feeling right or whatever. And you're praying. There's a name for it so you can finally understand what it is. That's exactly what this has been for me. Okay, I can't wait to hear some of your examples, but this is brand new to me. Boomer, okay, older person. This is a conversation on how apparently older people are not subtle at all when they dump bad news upon you. They're very abrupt about it. They don't warm you up to it. They don't soften you up to it. Old folks just burp drop the bad news. Donnie is dead. Right?

Yep. So this has become a conversation. This is a thing. It's called the boomer bad news drop where younger people think that older people need to be a little more sensitive with their bad news. My mom does this all the time. Yep. I'm like, I can find one right now, I bet. She texted me the other day we were talking about, because we went to the wild game this past weekend, so we were talking about plans with that. And she was like, out of nowhere. You know, I'm sending like, smiley faces. We're all happy.

And she was like, I was at the hospital with your dad until about 10 o'clock last night. He has pneumonia. I'm like, what? What? Maybe tell me that before we have a 20-minute text conversation about hockey. Or like, a couple days before that, text me about somebody dying and then somebody has cancer. I'm like, what is happening?

Wow. So the theory is that older folks were raised to treat emotions like facts instead of conversations. Does that make sense to you when I say that? I don't know if I understand that, but it says here older folks were raised to treat emotions like facts instead of conversations. So instead of easing you into the difficult news, they just dump it on your mid-sentence and move on. Josh, I got to hear about your mother. Well, this is perfect. One of the examples they gave is just a text that said he's gone.

And then where you're totally confused, you're worried, like, what are you talking about who's gone? And then you have to have a follow-up, you know, text. It's always a text. Really? It's that obscure? It's that. What's the word I'm looking for? Yeah, it's just like mysterious, right? Mysterious, yes.

Or, yeah, you're, I don't want to throw any names out. You don't want to jinx anything. Your uncle so-and-so just died. You know, like, wait him. I didn't even know he was sick. Yeah. Just, but usually it's kind of a mysterious tax from like, well, who's gone? What do you mean gone?

That type of thing. Because sometimes gone would mean dead. Other times it might mean they just left to go grocery shopping. Right. You know in case you wanted to stop by. Right. It all makes sense to me because, you know, my folks, yeah, there was a hardness to them. There was no playing around.

No. no reason to soften you up, they just give it to you straight. On all different subjects, and death or sickness was one of them. Something about that generation's approach is different than maybe people from Dana Ashley's generation, younger people.

See, William, Miles, where do you stand on this? Like, if you have to tell your children, who are now grown, of course, if you have to tell them some bad news, are you very straightforward with it? pretty much yeah yeah yeah I come red house I don't I'm not I'm I've never been a candy coder yeah you know I'm pretty straight because I kind of my you're right my my my mom and dad were like that too and my uncles were like the worst like they they they're the kind of people like

there is like telling you and then they're just like surprising you with it you know what I mean like I can actually describe out of nowhere right out of nowhere like we wouldn't even talking about that Like, I remember my good friend, Charlie Walker, who was a comedian. He's, like, they quit having family reunions because his uncles will get drunk. And, like, they would say stuff around the table, like, you know, that's not your real daddy. Like, wait a minute. Hold on. It's Thanksgiving.

What that boy need to know. If you need a kitten, that man can't give him to him. Your uncle, that's your daddy right there. Wait a minute. You all know where it is. You know, what else I noticed about my folks is, I mean, a death in the family. All right. They didn't even want that to affect your plans.

And if that didn't make any sense, I'll just give you an example. One night I was out to dinner and my phone rings. It's my mother. I said, yellow. And she said, oh, are you out? And I say, yeah, I'm out having dinner. What's up? Oh, no, don't go back to having dinner.

You can talk to me later. And I said, well, you sound like there's something. And she, well, your aunt died today. But just go back to your dinner. You can call me later. I said, well, no, I mean, what do you mean? What happened? I mean, the truth was my aunt, her sister died in front of her.

It was a sudden stroke or heart attack, and she died right in front of my mother. And my mother did not want to interrupt my dinner. And I said, well, Jesus Christ, I'll call you right back. Yeah. There was just something different about the way they've... Another good example, then we've got to take a break. Was an older guy that I used to drink with all the time. He's passed now a couple years ago.

But this is seven, eight years ago. I hadn't seen him in a while. He walks into the Legion. I immediately sit down with him to have a beer. And, you know, hello, hello, what's been going on? Nothing. You know, your bland general greeting. And he says this, exactly like this.

He says, you remember my sister, Jenny? And I said, yeah. And he goes, she's dead. So how's your folks? Oh, my gosh. He just dumped it out of nowhere. My sister is dead and then wanted to ask about me. It's just a different kind of a vibe.

So I guess the whole boomer bad news drop is this thing where younger people are asking older people to be a little more sensitive with their bad news. So your mother, you're saying, Josh, is a boomer bad news dropper. Yeah, but there's just not a lot of details. You know, it's like this shocking thing. And you're like, wait, what are we exactly talking about? Because sometimes it could be real bad. And other times it's just so nothing that it didn't require a text that dramatic.

I like that. That's true. She makes you wonder. She doesn't give you enough context. Yeah, it's just drama one way or the other. And if it's so bad, see, now my folks never learned to text. They were not texters. Your mother is a texter.

If it's so bad, why not give you a normal telephone call? Yeah, good question. Yeah. It's fun when you have your... Do you ever give her some of that back? Maybe just give her a subtle text about death or something? I should do that, just some sort of traumatic state. They're all dead.

Yeah, they're all dead. What do you mean? Well, the walking dead, right? It's zombies that are coming back. Text her tonight with the text that just says, there's so much blood and then just let it. What were you saying? I'm sorry. So, yeah.

I know I forgot. Well, I know we're running late, but I was going to say my wife's kind of the opposite of some, she has such a buildup to things where you're getting more and more stressed. Like she's talking about, okay, you know, there was an accident today, and your son was involved, and she'll start going, going, going. I'm like, is he a lie? I'm trying to cut her up.

Yeah, I'm the same way. So now I've trained her. Well, the first thing she'll say is, okay, everybody's, He's okay. Right. But here's what happened. That's how I approach it. If there's ever something like that, I start the conversation by saying, before I say a word, everyone is fine.

Right. But Donny, Ronnie and Stevie fell out of a roller coaster today. But make sure you establish right away that nobody's dead. No one's in the hospital. But it's all in the delivery, they say. World-class entertainer, he knows that. It's all on the delivery. I'm going to text my mom that says, oh, no, I think Nick killed him.

Now, what do you mean? Oh, he got C. Willie laughing so hard I thought he was going to die. It really is a fun concept to talk about. I was really happy to see that cross my path this morning. Yeah, I was pleased because now we've got a name for it. The boomer bad news drop. There's a term now for how insensitive some older people are when it comes to bad news. They're very abrupt about it.

They don't warm you up to it. It's called the boomer bad news drop. BBND. The BBND. Here's a listener who texted in and said, ah, yes, the boomer bad news drop, funding therapists for Gen X kids since 20 and 15. I never knew it had a name, but it's true.

I know my parents had a hardness about them. Death, a conversation about someone dead or dying was delivered no differently than, informing you that they got a new car. That's just how they... Here's a couple of text messages. A listener says his mother calls him one day. She's way up in northern Minnesota and she says,

Dad's gone. And I said, well, you mean, off to the store? And she said, no, he's dead. And he said, you know, you could have warned me about that. I'm on a ladder, Mom. Dad's gone. Soften it up a bit. He's gone off the where?

He's dead. Red Butcher Jesus brings up a good point. He said that he's found old people that are nonchalant about death have just accepted their own mortality in a healthy way. Sure. That makes sense. Yeah, like when the description is just more of a fact. God, help us.

Here's a listener who says when I was seven, my aunt told me not to use the bathroom at Grandma's house. And I said, why? And she said, because that's where Grandpa killed himself. Oh, Jesus. Whoa. What? Holy.

I'm seven. How's therapy going? Grandpa killed himself on the toilet? I get, I'm only seven. Right. You could have told me because there was a poo-poo on the floor. Right. You didn't have to tell me that.

That's terrible. No context at all. Now, here's a different spin on it. One of our listeners says, my dad called me one day. No, pardon me, texted me one day. And the message simply said, we need to talk. You need to call me right away. So I dropped everything.

I called him instantly. And I said, what's going on? And he said, yeah, Can I borrow your lawnmower? Oh, yeah. Oh, I know plenty of people that do that. Dana, you mentioned that the boss sent you a text like that and you're like, oh, no, what's going on? Mm-hmm.

You did. Come see me tomorrow. Yeah. That is so funny because whenever the boss asks me like, hey, can you call me quick or, hey, I want to see you tomorrow, he'll follow up with a, don't worry. Don't worry. It's not bad. He knows I have such bad anxiety about it. He did one to be recently.

He said, come see me after the show tomorrow. you're not in trouble. And I go, okay, good. Kind of listen to the Ashley says. Yeah, but bring your laptop. No, no, exactly. So I go in, I go in and sit down and he gets up and shuts the door. And I go, okay, this could be something.

He goes, liar. Like I said yesterday, you're not in trouble, but. Uh-oh. You can't do a butt. You did a butt. He butted me. Did he? Hey, butt.

Hey, Josh, a listener has a question for you. When it's windy outside, does your head spin around like a weather vane? Oh, wow. Wow. Sir, you went too far. And then Ashley, Dana, have you noticed anything here? A listener wants to know. When we make fun of Josh for his big ears, do they go back like a dog or a cat? Yeah, they hang down.

Josh has enormous ears. Towers in the corner. Before we go, see Willie Miles. Had some people he wanted to thank. Oh, my God, yeah. Sunday night, it was such a great show out at Krooners for Mama's Boys, the Mothers Day show, all the great folks that came out. and you gave me all your Jesus' name,

and I'm sorry, I just couldn't remember, but y'all know who you are. Thank you so much for coming out. I really always appreciate the love that you guys show me, and I'll be there again Wednesday night. That's tomorrow night. Yeah, tomorrow. So I'll be there.

That is tomorrow. Tomorrow night I'll be there. So kicking off the fourth annual Lunes on the Lake Comedy Festival. That's where we got 40 comedians coming from all around the country competing for $10,000. Wow, on a Wednesday night. No, no. It's going to be different comedians every single night.

You go on into the semifinals, quarterfinals, and then Saturday is when they'll do the top four, I think. Cool. And then that's why the $10,000. $10,000. It begins tomorrow night. Yeah. But I'm headlining on Wednesday night. So there's a different headliner every night from around the country as well.

That sounds awesome. So my show is at 6 o'clock on Wednesday. So there are tickets still available. So I hope to see you guys there. Come on out and drove. You guys have always been great to me, so I appreciate it. That's great to know. See Willie Miles.

Here's a text before we go, Josh. It says, don't feel bad about your big ears, Josh. He says, my brother has a tiny little nose. My buddy has massive front teeth. He says, I myself have a big old dong and a fat wallet. We're all going to be okay. Right. Hey, it's Dana.

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The half-assed morning show backtracks. Here's something right from the get-go that might wake a few of you sorry bastards up. I could use it as well. I could use a little kick in the ass at 8 o'clock this year morning for the first time in a couple of weeks. Big old Marcus Felino of the man Bear Pigs is going to call us on the telephone. That'll be awesome. Give us his thoughts on that Spurs Timberwolf series. That's why he's checking in?

Yeah, he's an expert. He's a big bat. No, of course, the pigs are locked into the biggest playoff series we've seen around these parts in years. And they're home. They're getting ready for game three against the Colorado Avalanche. This is our chance to coach Marcus up a little bit and see if we can help the boys get back into the series.

I'm very happy that he's able to, you know, share some of his time with us. This is very important. This is what he does for him. a living, isn't it, Josh? It is. You're right though, especially in the playoffs, sometimes with the teams, they don't always give us permission to talk to them. Yeah, I'm surprised. They get a little buttoned up. Yeah,

they do. But with six, seven days off between game two and game three, he's found the time. No, this should be fun because, I mean, obviously we want to know his thoughts on what's going on with the team currently. Talk about his goal. That was fun to watch.

Oh, in the Dallas series? Oh, no, the breakaway goal. Yeah, the breakaway goal. Where he took the net out and everything? He scored so many goals. We've yet to congratulate him on the Dallas series. So Marcus, 8 o'clock in the morning. Oh, man. Oh, also, our veterinarian pal, Dr. Andrea Johnston,

is going to swing by later to talk about your damn dogs and cats. Our two coolest guests in one day, what a treat. I know. That's a good way to spend a Thursday, isn't it? Yeah. This is going to make the show go out. Buy fast, make it fun, it's going to be awesome. I do have a question for, maybe I'll ask it off air,

but we brought our dogs in to get their nails done. You know, they like to get a little manny-patti every once in a while. Yeah, they're boozy. And one of our dogs, we haven't, he's a new dog to us within the last year. And we brought him in to get their nails done before. There was never really an issue. But for whatever reason, they brought them back out. They take them behind the scenes.

You know, that's where they do it, I guess. And they brought him back out, and they're like, yeah, we couldn't get to him because he expressed his anal glands. Apparently, and I didn't know dogs could do that out of fear or anger or whatever that was about. I thought it was just something that happened. Well, I can relate because I did the same thing last time I got a petty, a mani-petti. You expressed your anal glands? I did, yeah, I got a little nervous.

Your anal glands are quite expressive, though. They can be. This is the first time he's done that. Weird. So the veterinarians, they've never done it in our house or anything. They couldn't get near him because of the smell? Well, I don't know if they just were saying. It just wasn't a vet.

It was like at a pet store, right? A groomer. Yeah, so they just came out and said, hey, we did our best. He kind of got nervous and expressed his anal gland, so we gave up. I didn't know that was a thing. You know, I knew skunks did that. I know that one of my dogs, when she has to go to the bathroom, it's like, yeah, that's got to be the case.

Because usually after she goes to the bathroom, it helps. but you can like smell that, like the anal gland smell. Oh, it's awful. I mean, luckily, I wasn't a part of this last one, but. It lingers, too. It does. Anybody who's had that happen or been around it, they know. Just that weird, chemical, powerful smell.

It's terrible. I felt so bad that our dog did that to them. They were cool about it. As cool as you can be when that happens. Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one who notices. When you walk into a dog groomer's office, it smells terrible. Oh, it's awful. Yeah.

It's a wet dog. Wet dog. Yep. I kind of like the smell of wet dog. Dog farts. A lot of it is those anal glands. Anyway, so Dr. Andrew will be swinging by at 8 a.m. Oh, trimming nails.

Real quick. Well, I have plenty of time later to talk about dogs and whatnot. But when I was a kid, we had a chocolate lab by the name a babe. Good name. She was sweet, sweet character. Unfortunately, she died quite violently When she was hit by a snowplow But anyway

When my dad would trim her nails There was no taking the dog to the gromer when we were kids Because that cost money That cost more than $4. My dad would trim her nails with a pliers in the garage It was the ugliest thing you'd see Layers? Yes, it was the ugliest thing.

It was the saddest thing to watch. Couldn't even get some dang nail clippers. Nail clippers. Got a perfectly good pliers in the toolbox over here. What in the redneck type of... Dude. I'd picture an old rusty, too. The old man would take his shirt off and go, come on.

I don't know why he had to take his shirt. And the Chocolate Lab, babe, she was so sweet. She knew what was coming, but she loved my dad so much so she'd follow him out there. She knew, oh, God, this is going to suck. and then he'd snap her damn nails off with a pliers by a cigarette hung out of his mouth. But you know how labs are. She hated him for it. But 10 seconds later, she'd be sitting right next to him going,

I love you so damn much. Oh, yeah. Despite the fact that I just bled all over the garage for you. I love you very. We had labs growing up and we could do the nails just fine. It's these bigger dogs. It's a little more difficult. What did my buddy?

Yeah, I could do anything to my lab and she would not care at all. A buddy of mine used to say about Labrador retrievers, he could say you could break a broom over the top of their head. And they'd look up at you and say, hey, I hope it doesn't cost too much for you to get a new broom. Sorry about that broom. That's perfect. All right. So there you go. We'll have all kinds of jaw jacking back and forth about dogs.

Cats. Don't forget about the cats, Josh. Of course not. Dequities. For now, I was reading something slightly troubling here just a minute ago. Oh, I like that kind of stuff. Me too. Usually. Maybe I'm not so excited about this one.

Where are my fellow big sneezers out there? Text me, 651-9-9-933. Text me if you're a big sneezer. Oh, I just learned. I guess I never noticed it before. I just realized that my dad was one of those. He sneezes like you do. I'm like, calm down.

What are you doing? Just about knocks him right out of his chair? Yeah. You know what? Just a little bit ago, you scolded me for sneezing. Was that a big one? I haven't really paid attention. No. No, no. Was it at least on the manly side? It sounded quite feminine.

Oh, no. I mean, not even a little bit. Like, could you tell it was a guy sneezing? No, no. It sounded like a small woodland creature. A female woodland creature. Critter is what you sounded like when you snee. Was it kind of adorable, like maybe an anime, Sneeze? Sort of cute. Okay. I didn't mean to, I, uh, my sneezes are, I mean, ask any of these, my beloved coworkers here, they know that when I cut loose with a sneeze,

it rattles the foundation of the friggin building. Uh, it'll blow your skirt, smooth up. For me, it's come with age. The older I get, my sneezes grow more and more intense, more severe. I don't know why. I've never bothered asking a doctor about it. But it is just, I mean, eventually I am going to blow three or four teeth just right out onto the sidewalk. It's funny that this topic comes up because behind on podcast Jesus, he sent in an image of a guy destroying an office building with a sneeze. And the headline is, loud office sneezer triggers FEMA disaster response. You could probably do that.

I wish you did work in an office. It's nice and quiet. Everybody's typing, you know, talking quietly, and the next sneeze just interrupts everything. I would be unpopular in that office building because, yeah, it is sudden and it's loud. It's somewhat unsettling and frightening. Okay, the text machine is rolling like a damn, like a slot machine at the casino.

Right now, a lot of folks are texting in. Thank you. I was wondering, where are the big sneezers? I have little bitch baby sneezes. I bet you do. Yeah. I finally convinced my wife to let him go. I mean, she was a hold-in a sneezer for a long time.

Oh, really? I hate having to do that. And it's ridiculous because she had a big wind-up and then nothing. My brother won't sneeze. He holds them all in. I don't know why. They've been doing it since we were kids. Big wind-up and then he-

Yeah. That's not satisfied. At least with the, even though, I mean, I don't know, Nick. Is it still relieving to you? For me, I love sneezing. Oh, yes. It doesn't. I mean, it doesn't.

And it's a bittersweet experience, actually, because of course there's relief, but also it rattles me to the core. Yeah. I feel it everywhere. So anyway, Lotties are texting in inventory management Jesus says he would win the big sneeze world championship. So I knew I was far from alone, but I appreciate all the text. A couple people have mentioned they separated a rib while sneezing, and that's where I'm going with this. Well, we've mentioned before. We worked with a guy who sneezed so hard he crashed his car on the freeway.

Oh, man. Jolted him so much that he turned right into a median. Well, isn't it that stat that, like, if you sneeze while driving, your eyes are closed for, like, 100 yards or something? I've heard that before, yeah. Dude, I hate sneezing while driving. It's so scary. I sit there like, no, no, no. A hundred yards.

I don't know if that's the exact number. I've seen some stat where, I mean, if you're on the highway and you're driving the speed limit and you sneeze and your eyes are closed. and your eyes are close for a moment. That's frightening. Your eyes are close for a number of good stretch there. Yeah, one time I tweeted like, oh, I hate when I have to sneeze and I'm in a roundabout. And somebody commented and was like, just keep your eyes open. And I was like, you can't do that.

That's literally impossible, isn't it? What about people who hold in their sneeze? Do they keep their eyes? I've never paid attention. With my wife, it used to be like a cliffhanger in your favorite show. Like, there's no ending to this? This is how it ends. Here's a guy who says he heard stories when he was a kid that when you sneeze, your heart skips a beat.

I remember hearing about that. I'm not certain if that's true or not. Many people are texting and saying not only are they hard sneezers, but multiples. I don't have that problem. Oh, yeah. If she sneezed once, she was at least sneezing six times. Yeah, I knew a woman that I used to hang out with when I lived in Wisconsin, and she would, I mean, she'd get up to like 15, 6, to the point where, like, It's funny. It's funny. It's funny. All right, now stop.

It is funny because with my grandma, one of my uncles would count them. And she'd try and swear at him in between to get him to stop. She couldn't even really get it out. It was a lot of sneeze. Damn it, Michael, sneeze. And then my uncle Mike is counting each one. I'm a chain sneezer as well. I don't sneeze often, but when I do, I get them all out at once and it's about 10 to 12.

I think, Nick, I'm like you where it's usually just one. And then that's it. But apparently yours are more power. Big sneezers everywhere texting. in. No, I've never had a problem with the multiples. A lot of that is allergies. I know that for sure. For me personally, I know I've said this a million times, but if someone sitting at the bar across from me goes through multiple sneezes, to me, that is comedy gold. I don't know why it strikes me the way it does, but I buckle over with laughter. There was a gal a number of years ago

who could not stop sneezing at the Wise that American Legion, the faces she was making, the desperation in her eyes as she pumped out somewhere as around 17 or 18 in a row, I felt like I should have paid at the door to see that show. I think it's better.

I've had that happen maybe a couple times, only three, four in a row. But you get so frustrated with yourself, so that's why it's funny, I think. They say three is good luck. Oh, I hadn't heard that. 80s made me, 90s, raised me, she said her husband's, knees so aggressively, he gave himself a hernia. Yeah. And that's where I'm going with,

that's why I brought it up. What has me worried is all these stories I just got done reading about big sneezers dropping dead by the dozen. Where is this? Here it is. Somebody must have tapped into one of those medical records type of things. There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a gimmick I'm missing here, but someone put together a list of sneezing horror stories. Some of them are horror isn't a good enough word

to describe, strong enough word, to describe some of this. I think I remember this one where a dude sneezed so hard. He was fresh from abdominal surgery. Okay, well, that kind of makes sense. If you're a big sneezer and you just had abdominal surgery, yeah,

I imagine the doctor probably told him careful with everything. So the guy sneezed fresh out of abdominal surgery, you know, four or five days prior. His surgical wound opened up. His bowels actually started coming out of his mouth or something like that. Yeah, they fell out of his butt. Out of his ass? Did they come out of his ass?

Yeah, that's what I was guessing. Violent sneezes can cause your lungs to herniate. It can cause a collapse lung. Okay, I had one of those when I was a 14-year-old kid. that is not an experience, I would wish, on most of you. The sudden spike in blood pressure from a sneeze has been known to cause tears in the lining of the brain, and then you have a stroke.

Jeez. I mean, I knew that there were certain risks to big sneezes, but... Like blowing a sinus or something like... Structurally. I was only thinking structural problems, like a rib. Pulling the stomach muscle. What did you just say?

Sinuses. Your sinuses fall out, the eyes fall. I didn't know all of this about hearts and lungs. Boneyard Jesus said his dad holds the family record. 36 sneezes in a row. Oh, my God. 27 is the most I ever saw. Apple River, 1984.

But we're sitting here now talking about tears in the lining of the brain. tears in the heart, which will kill you smooth, boom, like that. From a friggin' sneeze, a hard one. Fractured bones around the eyes. From the force of the... Skidsteer operator Jesus had staples ripped out after having his appendix taken out when he sneezed. He sneezed to staples out. Oh, no.

Boom, they fell right down into... What does this say? broken bones in the face. Yeah, you pop a... You snap a bone in your eye socket from a hard sneeze. You can fracture bones in your ear when you sneeze. And then you know what happens, Josh? What?

You go deaf. I saw someone crash their face into a table once while sneezing. They were trying to sneeze towards the ground. They got a little too close. And they headbutted that table pretty good. Like that kind of with... This is not good for my, what do they call it in the business, my life expectancy. It still says here in this frightening article about the dangers of hard sneezes,

it still does say it's better to let her ride than to squeeze and hold that pig in. That's where I've heard problems can happen. That's how to tell my wife, like, your brain's going to explode if you hold these things in. Here was a guy in Scotland. And I know what you're saying. probably had it coming when you consider where he's from. There's some other factors involved, I'm guessing.

This Scottish guy tore his windpipe, his windpipe tore open for him because he held in a sneeze. Oh, for Pete's sake, he closed his mouth and pinched his nose at the same time. I've seen that before. What? I've seen somebody do that.

They try and stop it. They pinched their nose and try and stop it. Well, this guy's, his throat, exploded and his windpipe disintegrated and fell down into his stomach. They had to pull his windpipe out of his stomach. But can you imagine? I mean, that first one's the worst. Sneezing your bowels right out? Yeah. Oh.

They fell out the ass. I hate that in movies when somebody's holding their guts in, you know, they get into it some way. That's always disturbed me. You ever see the toxic Avenger? No. All right. There's good news, it says here. I'd like to hear that. Oh, okay. This is good news on an urban legend. Which ones did we cover already? Oh, that the heart skips a beat.

I don't know if that's true. Oh, the other one was you close your eyes while driving. And Dana said, when you close your eyes while sneezing behind the wheel, you'll go three quarters of a mile. I looked it up as actually 50 feet. I grossly overestimated it. That's enough to get in a car wreck. Men do that with size, so don't worry about it.

That's a good point. When it comes to length, that's what we're supposed to do. 50 feet, that's enough to kill somebody behind the way. Anyway, there's an old urban legend that, yeah, if you sneeze with your eyes open, okay, right? We were talking about that too. There's an old urban legend that if you sneeze with your eyes open and then the eyes fall out, that's impossible, they say. Don't fear that. Don't fear that pressure behind the eyes, though, during a snow. knees where I worried about it. It says here, Josh, you know this. Your eyes are anchored by muscles

and nerves and your airways aren't connected to the eyes. I knew a lot of people texting in saying they're known for snarts, right, where they'll fart at the same time. I knew somebody who every time they sneeze, that's exactly what that is. Oh, that's comedy gold. That's pretty good stuff. Yeah. I'm with you on that one. If it ever didn't happen, which it always did, I would have been disappointed. Right, yeah. You owe me a show. You only gave me half. I want my money back. Yeah, there has to be some repercussions there where everything's leaving at the same time. Have you heard of this guy before, Josh? Excited like an antenna dong Jesus? No. Excited like an antenna dong Jesus.

Oh, okay, I'm looking back. Maybe sometimes people change their Jesus names. I wonder if it was different at one point. He said he was out to eat with one of his bros and his buddy sneezed. smacked his eyebrow on his glass of beer. Oh, no. Poh-pom. Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to make it. Probably not. I might even have one of them for you this morning.

I don't know. I never know when they're coming. Instigator Jesus says there was a story about a woman who nearly decapitated herself from a sneeze. I wonder if they mean one of those internal decapitations. Oh, yeah. I bet you that's what they're referring to. I don't have, I don't have allergies at all. Oh, you don't?

No. Lucky you. I did it for the longest time, but now I've been getting them in the last couple years. Some years worse than others. Our boss came in here yesterday with some allergies, and he, you know, right away, he's like, don't worry, I'm not sick. I just went out and mowed the lawn and I can't stop sneezing. You want to hear more rumors about sneezes and other miracles of the human anatomy? Any minute now, Jesus, he says, he always heard that your brain doesn't know that. the difference between a sneeze and one of those orgasms. Yeah, I've heard that.

Somebody said it's pretty much the same for them. They text that in. I've heard that before, that it's like the muscles, the way things work, it's kind of the same. But, you know, just different stuff comes out from a different area. Thank God. That would be bad every time you sneeze. Oh, yeah. That'd be really bad.

Especially for the multiple sneezers like me. The chain sneezers. It's a mess. Repeated multiple sneezers. That's called. Handrick sneezing, according to one of our listeners. I don't know if that is true, but it's the brother and sisterhood. They know a lot of things.

Sprinkler fitter Jesus said it happened only once, but one time he sneezed and crapped his pants at the same time. I'm so sorry. Now, here's a guy who can straight up blow me, a guy named Brian who texted in to say, big sneezers are a joke. You guys do it for a response. No, we don't.

Or at least I don't. So you can blow me. Maybe if you're 12. Gamer Jesus said, sneezing and farting at the same time, that's how your body takes a screenshot. This Brian guy goes on to say, none of you big sneezers know how to cover your damn mouth either. I'll admit it's sometimes very difficult to get there in time, to get something in front of my face in time. You could blow your elbow out if you got it too close.

With the elbow, I try by damn I do to get. something in the way of my yapper before it all comes piling out, but it happens so fast. Iron Range Jesus said his wife sneezed and bounced her forehead off the car horn in the pickup line at school. That's perfect. So, ho-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haw. That's hilarious. Freaking out everyone around her. Right, you look like a Karen, like, hurry up.

Oh, no. Somebody says they hate when they're peeing and a big sneeze comes midstream. Yeah, that'll make. a mess too. Yeah, all right. So big sneezers and there's a lot of you out there. My dogs are big sneezers. Be careful. Big, big, big dogs. Yeah, they get stuff everywhere. It's disgusting. Oh, I bet. And they'll spray it right down your mouth. Oh, man. It'll get everywhere. No manners at all. You're listening to the 93X-Hal Fast Morning Show, Bot Tracks. South of here. I heard some of you got your ass kicked by thunderstorms that rolled on through.

So we have our fingers crossed that you folks down there are able to locate all of your belongings. Yeah, a couple of tornadoes, some hail that it was plowable, I was reading. Testicle-sized tail. Gosh, we only got like 10 minutes of rain. We barely got anything either. I was excited for, you know, a little bit of a thunderstorm. Nothing like that, though.

From ariola to testicle-sized tail. is the story I heard. That came falling from the sky south of here. If it sent you running for your lives, we hope everything turned out all right and your valuables are all accounted for. What irritates me the most is we put away our outdoor cushions for no reason.

And that's, for some reason, that's just such a bitch to do. I hate doing that. You know, that's smart. I've never once done that. Maybe that's why our cushions are so absolutely disgusting. I'm afraid of, like, mold growing in them because of that. Apparently, I'm not afraid of mold. They're gross.

We actually need some new ones. Somebody's doing all right around here. Couple people doing all right. Outdoor cushions. Oh, yeah, baby. I'll be damned. Only for, I think, two out of six of the chairs, though. That's how the other half lives.

Yeah, we've only got one little couch thing that's got two cushions. on it and those have been there for probably 10 years. Oh, I like those little couch things. Ashley and Cubby over here. I was eavesdropping on a conversation they were having off there. Ashley and Josh were jaw jacking about filing income taxes. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but all that mess has to be sent in by tomorrow. Yeah, right in a check for tomorrow.

Okay. Of course, getting your taxes sent in. is notorious for being one of the most common things we put off until the last possible minute. I'm surprised to hear, Josh, that you're still working on it with 24 hours to go. You are usually the type of cat that gets things out of the way months ahead of time. Well, it's been done for months, but when I have to pay in, I'll wait to the... I mean, it comes out automatically, but I scheduled it for the day it's due. I'd rather not pay early if I don't have to.

Sure. Just in case of emergency. Yeah, but it's been done. You're the type of guy that does some of his Christmas shopping in the summer. Yeah, I already got your birthday present. Offer. Which I got, I think, boy, I don't know, maybe a couple months ago. If you're not familiar, my birthday comes around in five months.

That's a true story. That's a true story. Five months to go. You're such a great friend. He already has your birthday presents for 2027, 2028, and 2029. Let's be honest. Dana, I got your birthday and Christmas present planned out. True story.

Sitting in my Amazon cart right now, baby. You're a beauty. Filing the income taxes. Right, right, right. One of the things that we notoriously wait or put off until the last possible minute. Paying the bills is another. Ooh, I was terrible at paying the bills on time when I was a young person. I'm telling you, the lights would go out.

Oh, you waited that long. They would cut the power. Wow. Yeah, I just. And that's when it occurred to me that I hadn't paid the bills. A lot of this was unintentional. A lot of this was just straight up presence of mind and preparation. I would be sitting in my apartment or.

townhouse and the lights would go out and that's when it would dawn on me Jesus balls I haven't paid a bill around here in months well in your defense I think a lot more people would be in that boat if it wasn't for all the like online billing that makes things a lot easier I love it yeah it goes everything is scheduled I had collection agencies after me and you have the money you're just forget that's awesome it was strictly absent-mindedness But that was many, many years ago. I remember one particular year when I was young, getting in line with all the rest of the gibronies at the post office

trying to throw that envelope with my prepared income taxes, trying to fire that envelope into the mailbox before it hit midnight. I remember those days. One year I was in such bad. shape with, you know, being prepared for filing taxes, that there I was in the long, three or four block, long line to the mailbox. Oh, I'm so good. But I was, like I said, I was way worse than that when it came to paying for the electricity,

paying for the water, paying for the cable. I just, I could not get a handle on it. And I don't know how many telephone calls I had to make to have them start these services back up again for me. Yeah, I've never had to do that, thankfully. I would feel such shame. What else do we wait until the last minute to get a handle on? Can you come up with anything?

Some people certainly, I've got a, you know, middle schooler. He'll wait to the last second to do his homework, no matter what. Homework? Yeah, I know we, you know, like in our household, we all have. At least he's doing it, right? Well, now a couple of things. A couple years ago it wasn't quite like that. I mean, some kids never even come close to doing homework.

No, we'd get like an email saying, hey, you know, your son hasn't done any homework all year. Despite the fact every single day I ask him about it, sometimes I'll have him even show it to me and he'd have it done, but it just wouldn't turn it in. That drove me nuts the most. I told them like, I'd rather have you just not do it versus get it done and not turn it in and then they don't accept it.

Yeah, why waste that time? I don't get it. Even when you were a kid, were you that type? to have all of that stuff done far ahead of time? Yeah, I usually would get stuff done. And I still am that way, where as soon as it's assigned, I'll make sure I get it done just so I don't forget or run out of time. Wow, I was not that type.

Yeah, you were spot on, prepared, got everything done ahead of time, even when you were a kid. I worry I'll get out of control, where if I don't do it, all of a sudden I'll go, this feels pretty good pushing this thing off and then just decide I'm not going to do it. Yeah, you're probably right. I have to get it done immediately. What a bright child you were.

You want to know a sad story? A couple of years ago. Okay, so my sister's got a kid. That kid is pushing 17 years old now. A couple of years ago, it was the first day of summer vacation for this kid. And I happened to be on the telephone with my sister that morning, the morning of the first day of summer vacation, and just out of curiosity, I said, what's the kid up to?

And the kid, who was 15 at the time, was in her bedroom preparing schoolwork for the next school year. Oh, wow. No, no, no, no. You want to talk about a kid who cares and a kid who wants to be prepared for their scholastic career. The morning of the first day of summer vacation, she was awake at 730 years. 8 o'clock in the morning preparing things for day one of the following school year. Number one answer on text. What they wait to the last minute to do, pull out.

Oh, my. Be careful. Over and over and over that text is coming in and a few people have said it's led to babies. Yeah, I know some of those babies. You got to be careful. There is something quite exciting about waiting until the very last, right? I can give you just one more. I got one more in me.

That's such a dangerous game to play. I used to play, see how long I could hold my pee, and that didn't go well for me, pretty much ever. That's why I had to bring an extra pair of pants to school. Here are some, I love the, I love the pant wedding stories, I do. Here are some other things that people wait to do until the very last minute. Cleaning the house before guests arrive. Okay, I suppose. Packing for a trip.

Ah, yeah, I'm a very last minute on that. But, I mean, you don't really have a choice, though, because, like, I don't feel like it's complete. I don't feel like it's necessary to complete it until I can put my toilet trees in there. And you never can until, you know, the next day you shower and all that. Don't forget your passport. I just buy clothes when I get there and throw them away when I come back home. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

You buy clothes when you get to your... I bring nothing. Oh. I buy an entire wardrobe when I get there. That's crazy. And then I throw it away before I come back home. Some people really... That's so insane that some people do that.

What? Some people actually do that? Oh my gosh, yeah. Notoriously men. What? They're like, yeah, I'm going to pack like three shirts and two pairs of shorts and they're going somewhere for two weeks. Oh, I do that. That's how I do it.

I was joking. I thought, wait a minute. Did I tap into something here that people actually do? So I don't know if they throw them away when they come back, but they definitely like get there and they're like, yeah, now I'll buy some clothes. Like, what are you doing? Just go prepared. It's not that hard.

I bought like a novel. t-shirt saying, hey, I was here in Jamaica or something like that. Right. And then how many times do you actually wear that? At least in my experience, when I buy like something touristy, I never wear it again. It just rots in my closet. I did have a buddy once. We had a wedding in Cleveland to go to and he was too lazy to pack a suit.

So he went there to the wedding with the just knowing that he would go find a thrift store, buy a suit, and then he threw it away in the hotel after the wedding. Yeah. He threw it away. See? It was such a dude thing. It was like a $9.00 suit from Goodwill. I thought I was kidding.

I guess people are doing that. This list I'm looking at is basically, for me personally, I mean, the title is things people wait to do until the last minute. For me personally, I could change the title to things that would never happen if it wasn't for my wife. Filing taxes is one of them. she handles that. I don't hear a word about it. I mean, I'm one lucky some bitch when it comes to things like this. She handles it all herself.

It's second nature to her. She's just skilled with that type of stuff. What else could I add to this? Things that would never happen if it wasn't for my current relationship. Paying bills. I don't pay any of the bills. She handles that with the computer. She is very organized.

I'm kind of jealous that she just gets to do it all because me and my husband both take care of things. But that kind of, like, I wish I could just take care of all of it. Does it confuse the operation that two people are in the kitchen? Yes. Too many cooks in the kitchen? Well, would you take on all of that responsibility just to ease any distractions? Yes, I would like to do that kind of stuff. Well, Jesus, you think he's not going to fight you on that.

Go ahead and volunteer. No, I think he would. He likes to have a sense of control in that way, too. Oh. I don't know anybody who would fight that. Josh, if your wife said, hey, look, I'm handling all the bills, all the RSVPing to events, I'm handling every effing thing as far as paperwork. Would you fight that?

I don't want to say. What do you mean? Let's just say. Well, no, no, no. Let's say she knew how to do all those things. Like if she was really organized. I'm getting the message that she does not know how to do any of those things. She's capable of that, but she is very much a, I'll wait till two minutes after the last minute type of person to do stuff.

Has she had the lights go out? Well, she grew up in a house like that. And also like her mom would, her mom is really about experiences and that kind of thing. So maybe she's doing it right. But she would choose, we'll go to Disneyland, but we don't have heat for the winter. You know, that kind of thing. So you don't trust her? I would think some mistakes would be made.

I'd imagine she would agree. That kind of sounds like a conversation me and my husband had last night, Josh, because, you know, we found out how we waited to the last minute to do our taxes, and we found out how much we were getting back. And I was like, well, you know, with some of the money, we should at least do something fun. Why not? And he was like being like very realistic and was like, no, we should pay that off.

and pay that off and pay that off. And I was like, you're no fun. See, maybe it does take two of you. A couple different philosophies on how to use that. Army mailman Jesus brings up a great point that I didn't consider before. If you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute. Sometimes you spend a whole lot of time on something, but why not just make it take one minute?

Yeah, I mean, vacations, trips. You know, we mentioned waiting until the last minute to pack. My wife has planned trips in the past for us. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm 54 years old. I've never bought an airplane ticket. I wouldn't even know how to do it. It's annoying.

I just bought my first airplane ticket last year, and then we did it again this year. Actually, I think I reached out to your wife. Your wife even told us where to go. She knows all that stuff. Oh, cool. I'll have to hit her up. It's more, I mean, it's more or less what you're,

she's done for a living for 30 years. There's so many ways to buy those tickets now. I don't even know, I don't know what the best way to go is, and so she helped with that. Does she have any connections to Padres tickets? We're looking to go to a Padres game. Do I go on their website, or is that the most? Kind of like, you know, certain places you go to are way more expensive

than if you went to a third party, not realtor, but a retailer. Oh, yes, yeah. She could make a telephone call or two. I bet she could. by damn. Now here's someone that says they usually pay their bills with the computer and then they throw away

the computer. So they have to buy a new computer every month. Yeah, I mean, a lot of us are procrastinators, no question. I still am. But it's just I've got that safety net now.

Whatever I miss, she's got it nailed. It is fun. How I do get emails anytime we have a training around here from the boss going, can you please ask your coworkers to get this done? It's due today or it's due the pre- Wait, does he ever reach out to you guys? Yes. Okay, so I just thought of that.

Like, wait, why am I? The little sexual harassment training videos. A lot of it's lately cybersecurity. I miss out on a lot of that until the last minute. You know, if you're a procrastinator, you wait until the last minute to. schedule appointments like the doctor or the dentist. Yeah, that's something that I have no part in. I just get told when my next appointment is.

I've gone to a couple different dentists in the last, I don't know, decade, and they usually plan your next appointment while you're there. Yeah, that's slick of them to do that. Oh, yeah, I have experienced that where they ask you. Maybe you can't look that far ahead. your schedule, but for me, it's the same every day. Sure. I agree to the date whether or not I know it's available just to get me out of there. Yeah, that's how I approach that. Are you good on Tuesday, July 15th at 3 p.m.? Yeah, absolutely.

I remember in my 20s waiting until the very last second to fill my tank up with gas and then usually only put like five or 10 bucks in it, whatever I could afford at the time. Yeah, I'm really guilty of doing that. And I think it's going to cause my husband to have an aneurysm at this point. because he's like, he's like, you literally have the money to fill it up. And I was like, I know, but for some reason I feel better about being like 15 here, 20 there. I did notice that when you said you went to the gas station one day and you only got a certain amount. And I was like, oh, is it kind of tight till the next check? No.

I'm just weird. I don't know what's wrong with me. He even asked, like, did your parents teach you to be this way? I'll go to Target and I won't get the biggest pack of paper towels, even though we're going to always need more paper towels. I always get backups everything. I'm like, no, my mom was, you know, she always bought like huge in bulk. He's like, I don't know what's wrong with you.

There are times actually I've been in the gas pumper. I've gotten impatient because it's going so slow. I'm like, all right, that's good enough, whatever. Oh, really? Yeah, maybe that has something to do with it. You're looking for San Diego Padres tickets, and I just got done telling you how my wife is the most. organized person in the world and handles all of the behind-the-scenes stuff at our household

with the bills and the appointments. I never have to come anywhere near that stuff. You're looking for San Diego Padres tickets. It just dawned on me, Josh. My wife used to date Mani Machado. Did she? So she probably has a connection? Absolutely. Like I said, at least she could make a telephone call. Oh, but there's one thing that she does not prepare for. And that's automobile-related. things. Sometimes we will get in her car and we're having to go Summers and I noticed that that needle has pretty much pushed the E down to the very bottom of the

dashboard. The vehicle is choking, sputtering as we get to the you couldn't fill up with gas? We're fine, she says. We're only going across town. The vehicle is struggling as we speak. She doesn't pay very close attention to automobile. mobile-related things. I had one of those cars that would tell you, like, down to the last mile. Oh, yeah. And that was probably the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Now I have a vehicle where if it's, like, under 32, it just says low. So I kind of have to guess and do the math in my head. I don't even know if I have that just because I never let it get that low. I mean, it'll say you have a certain amount, but I'm always afraid it's going to be off. And it's just going to say, psych, as I'm pulling over to the side of the road because I ran out of the gas. I never let it get that low, but my wife does. absolutely down to the last eighth of a mile.

Oh, I've rolled my car into a gas station at zero miles left. Yeah, oh, 100%. Well, you guys, I ran out of gas like two years ago. Oh, that's right. This is why. I almost had to come rescue you. You never had that problem. This is exactly why.

When it was tough, you know, paying your bills and stuff like that's tough. And every penny counts, I've had to wait, you know, like, okay, it's payday. Oh, sure. That kind of thing. But yeah, when you, I know, okay, I can put the, by the way, it was like 60. some bucks to fill out my tank yesterday. That's all. But when you know, okay, I could pay for this tank of gas.

There's no way I'd not fill it all the way up. I get nervous. If it's like at a quarter of a tank, I think, why'd I wait so long? What's wrong with me? I should have filled this thing up. Two of my buddies had a near-death experience because one of them wasn't paying attention to the gas gauge. They went ice fishing in Tuck de Yuck Duck,

Canada, or some thousand miles away Antarctic, you know, you're isolated on some massive sheet of ice, and they're driving back to civilization from this god-awful location where they went ice fishing. One guy falls asleep in the passenger seat, and he even said before he went to sleep, keep an eye on the gas.

We got about four and a half hours between gas stations here. Keep an eye on the dude who was asleep in the passenger, and it's about 53 below zero. He wakes up at one point. Where are we? Oh, we're just 100 miles south of, you know, bear testicles, Canada, right? Looks at the gas gauge. That pig's on E.

Hey, dumbass. I told you to keep an eye on the gas. So they were damn near stranded in 50 below weather because one guy was cranking up the Bob Seeger or something and not paying attention to the guy in the past. seat woke up and said, we're, you know, if we don't find a gas station, we're going to die out here. You realize that. But they got lucky.

They made it. All right. People are texting in and saying that that's, like, really bad on your fuel pump. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, you probably just changed my life. I'm going to stop doing that now. It'll pop like a Zid on prom night. Steel monkey Jesus said E stands for enough.

Okay, I always heard it was empty. He might be more of a car guy. Yeah, he knows his thing or two. Ashley, you know, the nice thing about always, you know, filling up sooner. is I can choose gas stations if they're on my way versus having to make a left and the gas stations on the other side of the road. I can be that selective about the gas station. I am jealous of that, especially because one of the gas stations by my house, if I stop there in the morning, I don't know what's going on.

This is completely unrelated to what we're talking about, but there's this person that, like, will stop in the parking lot and then look at me and then leave. so I definitely need to stop having to get gas in the morning. Oh, yeah, you've told us about that. I don't know what's going on. I'm so scared. Somebody's looking at you? It's so weird. I'm like, what are they doing?

And you do it before work? Yeah. Oh, I couldn't even do that. What did you say, Josh? What about gas stations? I said if you're, the luxury of, you know, where a quarter tank is, that's too low, in my opinion? Yeah. Is I can only stop whatever gas station I want versus it's an emergency.

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The Half-Assed Morning Show Backtracks Bye damn Josh How are you? Good. How about yourself? I'm doing all right. Remember a few days ago we started off the program? We asked our listeners What kind of drugs they were hooked on?

I think I made the statement that everyone these days is on some kind of dope. Do you recall that? I do. Was that last week? Yeah, just last week. Everyone's on dope. That was the statement. made and it was true. Folks started texting in. They're taking this. They're taking that.

I can't remember specifics beyond that. But O-Zempic must have been thrown into the mix, right? We must have had... Yeah, GLP-1s were on there, yeah. Some, but... Plenty of people said that. What was the word that you used? GLP-1s. I think it's pronounced Gulps. G-L-P-1s. Yes. People are... It's a weight-loss pill or a weight-loss drink or you shoot it into your arm with a needle. Isn't it actually like for diabetes?

And then they figured out both people are losing weight on it. Oh, I thought that was the case. Yeah, that's how it started. Oh, Christ, yeah, you're right. That completely escaped me. And like Viagra started as some sort of anti-coagulant or something like that. It started out as something completely different. And then the guys didn't want to return it because they were getting these wonderful boners.

Started off as a heart medication. Yeah, some sort of. Again, you called it Viagra? Was that what you called it? Viagra. And then it became a bone. Boner pill. Okay, we must have had some level of conversation on OZempic a week ago when we were talking about how everyone's on dope. I don't remember, like I said, I don't remember any specifics.

Everyone and they mammal is eating fistfuls of OZMPIC so they can look hot at their high school reunion. We also talked about CPAP machines a few days ago, too. And that's the setup today. All the men are wearing CPAP machines. All the women are on OZemPEC. But here's the deal. I'm guessing Josh knows the story already. So let me ask Dana and Ashley.

With the rise of OZMPIC's popularity, guess what else is on the rise? Go ahead. Think about it for a minute. Everyone's on OZMPIC. They're dumping weight. What would that lead to a rise in? More sex? Decent guess.

That's a very good guess. That's a wonderful guess. What would maybe correlate there? Lifting weights. Getting jacked. Getting jacked. You're headed in the right direction. It's more negative.

More sex is a positive thing. Getting yourself, as Dana would say, jacked a positive thing. This would be a negative. I mean, that's probably related. I would say certainly. Oh, that's why I said. They're in the right ballpark. but more of a negative side effect.

People breaking up. There you go, you bastard. Oh, nice. I always thought that was the best sign of somebody wanting out of a relationship. If somebody who's never really worried too much about fitness really gets into it, like anybody I've had that got jacked was in a miserable marriage and wanted to get in good shape so they could start dating other people afterwards. That's funny when I got divorced.

I went the complete other way. Well, you were already 38 or something like that. giving up on life. Pretty much. When I got a divorce at 27 or 28, I got a gym membership. Did you? Well, I mean, my brother was a big gym. He was a big weightlifting gorilla.

Still is. And suddenly when I was single at 27, 28 years old, I called him and I said, hey, can you get me in over there? Yeah, that makes a lot more sense than 38. It only lasted about, I don't know, two months. But I did suddenly tell myself, oh, I got to get ready for this. Because you don't want to know why, Dana?

Because I want to be banging. Yeah. If my wife left me, I definitely would get a gym membership and hopefully go. To the gym member, to the gym she works at? Yeah. Not the one she works at. Even though you're 51, you'd go to get a gym membership? Yeah, I mean, I don't have a lot going for me, so I got to get every advantage I can.

Yeah. So if I wanted to find another suitor, I would certainly get into the gym and do some cleaning jerks or something. I've always lost weight when getting out of relationships, but I don't know if that's just like because of the stress or if I'm actually trying. It happened naturally. Yeah, usually I would drop like 15 pounds or so. Stress, right? Yeah. You have a revenge body.

Yeah. And then I'd, and then I would like slowly gain it back when I was happy again. Stress is a massive thing. I've told you before. when my mother ditched my brother and I my brother and I lived with our mother during high school

and she called my dad about two months before high school was over and said as soon as these two idiots are handed their phony diplomas they're your problem I'm out I'm not doing this anymore I can't stand it

Can't blame her. My mother was kind of a heavy person at that time. Soon as we graduated, she moved, moved away. Couldn't handle us anymore. We became our dad's problem. Didn't see my mom for five or six months. Saw her, almost didn't recognize her. She immediately dumped a pile of weight just because the stress

of twin derelict sons was no longer weighing on her. That's a powerful thing, there's no doubt. So the word is, Cubby. Everyone's on Ozempic. They're all slim and trim now and looking fine in a moment. You know what I'm saying?

And then the next step, divorce. Yeah, they think, hey, I'm hot now. Right. I've been stuck in this relationship. I'm going to look for somebody. And they want to be banging. Yeah. I get if I'm, excuse me, if I'm extremely stressed, I lose weight and quickly.

Do you? Yeah. Those, gosh, this is this, Phlegm, it's attacking me. You sound like me right now. Keep me alone. Stop it, Flem. What is going on? What do I do to you?

Yeah, this wasn't happening beforehand. I'm joking on my own. That's not how a guy wants to die. Is that why you stay so ridiculously scrawny? Is it the stress that buries you? I mean, I'm not constantly stressed, but they'll be certain. It's like, it's weird. Big things I don't necessarily get stressed about because it's an easy decision.

I'm a black or white type person where it's like there's no other decision I can make here in this really stressful situation. But when there's little things, like the two days you were gone, I was so stressed I lost almost 10 pounds in the entire week. That was the two most stressful days of my life just with secondhand stress because of how stressed you were. What the hell was I? I don't remember this. When you were sick. Oh, see, that troubles me to learn that. Well, there was a lot.

I mean, I was worried about you. You wouldn't miss a day of work sick if you had the choice. And then I'm like, I'm going to screw this up big time. People are going to hate my guts. You really lost 10 pounds? Yeah. That's crazy, dude. I lost 10 pounds when I was sick for a week.

And like, that makes sense. But stress? God, help us. Yes, stress. Some Xanax. Goes that way. I mean, I know folks that are the opposite, they'll eat the stress away. You know, and for whatever reason, I just, I can't explain it.

I don't think I eat. You were living your normal life, those two you were eating. You were doing everything normally, but yet you still lost 10 pounds? I think so. I don't remember exactly. Lick me down. Didn't you say you got like an hour of sleep a night during that stretch of time, too? Yeah, that's true.

I don't think I was sleeping very much. Everyone is getting a divorce once they trim that full. fat off their frame. Maybe it's just because of my age. But it seemed like for a while all my friends were getting divorced. You know, maybe that's because it was mid to late 20s or early 30s. But now the ones that I know are, they've been married for so long, or they're on their second marriage or in one case, third marriage,

that they kind of figured it out at this point. Huh, I'd have to... I wonder if there's an average age for divorce. Probably 30? It's got to be. I would say 30. I'll look it up. Yeah, go ahead.

That'd be helpful. I guess I'd have to sit down and do the arithmetic. Oh, dude, you're right. Was it 30? Not that you bring it up, now I'm trying to figure in my head, how many of my longtime bros have gone through divorces or multiple, and how many have? I mean, I can tell you this.

Two of my best friends met their wives during our junior year of high school, and they've been together ever since. Wow. That's impressive. That's a cool story. I always thought that was great when people could make that work. But I could think of a couple more. Maybe I'll have to off the map this out.

What percentage of my pals have stayed married, you know, one marriage, and how many of them have been? I mean, I'm married to a lady who I'm their second choice. Right. She was already married. How many of them have been in and out of courthouses their whole life getting divorced? I got divorced at 35 and I was the first in my group of bros that got divorced. And I found out that when you're the first, you become the go-to guide where people call you for advice

and how to navigate that whole situation. Nobody called me. I feel like I could put a Venmo request into some of my buddies for my services of therapy and counseling and helping them navigate it after I went through it. Nick, I think no one called you because they saw what you walked away from. Yeah, like this guy. The richest person I've ever met and absolutely gorgeous. People thought he's doing something wrong.

That takes balls. That takes big friggin' onions. You left that. Onions. That's what I'm dealing with. Grapefruits. Private jets hanging with celebrities. Drop-day gorgeous.

I would have sucked it up for some years, I think. And you know what I said? Very funny. And I said, uh-uh, I'm moving on. Onions, baby. And now you're sitting here with us. Well, I was sitting here with the same... I was sitting here then.

Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, I mean, I was sitting with radio losers then. I'm sitting with radio losers now. Folks who undergo rapid weight loss, this is where the whole smear is going here, talking about O-Zempic and its link, or weight loss, and it's link to divorce. folks who undergo rapid weight loss are twice as likely to take a walk on their husband or their wife and say,

look, I'm going to go off and be a new person. I truly think if I started like really getting into working out, my wife would wonder what's going on. I mean, we met because I was really into it. But as I mentioned, I think last week or the week prior, as soon as she said yes to my proposal, I canceled the gym membership and thought, well, she's locked in now. He's going to be stuck with whatever's left after I stopped working out. I would be pretty suss if my husband started working out. Like, what is this?

You don't do this? Are you trying to be active? What was the old joke years ago? As soon as a guy gets a divorce, I think this was a stand-up comic. But I thought it was so funny. And I think it's still true. As soon as a guy gets a divorce, he grows a goatee and he buys a Jeep. Yeah.

What does this say? Now, part of this study on weight loss and divorce, they originally focused on people who had been fitted with those gastric bands. And people were texting in saying they know people who, once they had the gastric bypass surgery, got divorced relatively quick. I mean, that's crazy fast. The folks that follow the rules afterwards, how fast they lose all that weight. It can be.

I know a gal who, hell, she must have been on the ground floor. Because this is quite a few years ago. She went ahead with that gastric band surgery, whatever it is. You called it a minute ago, Josh, where they make your stomach about the size of a dime. Yeah. I think she had some iffy early days with that operation. I think for a stretch of time, she was not behaving. the way she should have, and there were some troubles.

But she finally got on board, and you want to talk about unrecognizable, how rapidly and dramatically she lost weight. It was incredible. You're way more likely here to take a walk on your frigging ungrateful spouse once you dump those pounds. article goes into conversation about how it makes you more confident, more social. You want to continue. After you lose the weight, you want to continue to lead a healthy life.

And maybe your partner says, no, no, no, I'm not interested in that vibe. I still want to chug beer and Bratworth and pepperoni pizzas all day long. So suddenly you and your partner don't have. similar lifestyles. Something similar to this. A friend of mine, his wife got implants. She wanted to get them.

Word. They got divorced about six months later. And he's like, I want my money back. Oh, that sucks. Because he paid for them. He's like, call darned, I bought those things. And now can they be returned? Right.

Can that get a refund? Where are the statistics on that? Now, what do we just look up? The average age of a divorce, 30. Yep. I'd like the statistics. I'd like the numbers on when a woman, a married woman or a woman in a serious relationship, well, let's just count marriages.

When a married woman gets a set of bolt-ons, how often does it lead to the end of that relationship? This is crazy. We got a text like at the same time we're talking about it saying they were divorced within three months after his wife got implanted. Because just like a guy who's suddenly doing citizens. up in the basement and her wife looks down the stairs and says well what are you doing that for i don't care if you have abs same thing gal suddenly says well i'd like to go get some cannons and the dude says

why why would you that's because she wants some wants to start banging some new stuff here's another one heavy haul ginger jesus he said he's still paying for his exes implants and mommy makeover well what did you get up still paying for him what the what the hell was the price tag on those They ain't cheap. I think it's pricey, right? Well, I mean, I was involved in that once. I don't remember it taking that long to... I mean, isn't it like six grand?

I mean, like, this back in the day, from what my friend was saying, I mean, that's not cheap. And the mommy makeover, add on to that. Oh, well, I thought that was a joke. What's a mommy makeover? That's like tummy talk and something like, I think maybe LIPO. I guess I'm not sure everything that goes into it. Oh, I thought that was...

I mean, hey, she carried your kids for you? You might owe her that one. I'm sorry? I said if she carried your kids for her for you, I should. You might owe her that one. She took one for the team. Yeah. I told my husband, I said, when I'm done breastfeeding,

if it's just like a disaster, you're doing something about that. I wonder if that's, like, the most common reason women get implants, the breast, because I've heard that before, the couple that I know who did said the exact same thing, that their kids, they did a number on them. Yeah. What the heck?

It's so annoying. But, I mean, you say, think of all the money you're saving on formula, so it, like, kind of evens out. Fake cans, 10 grand. Wow, that's... According to a text message. Yeah, those are probably nice ones. What does this say?

What's this say? I bought my ex a set of fake jugs, a BMW, a facelift. Six months later, she gone. The BMW is the coolest part for me. That'd be sweet. Six months later, Cubby, she gone.

Okay, I thought Mommy makeover was just a punchline, but that's a common term for a set of a series of operations. Yep. Yeah, I believe so. I don't know everything involved. Like I said, I've heard lipo and tummy talk, things like that. I was with a gal years ago who got the Zeppelons sewn in.

And I think in the same series of visits, she got lipo. Fat sucked out of her body. Yeah, well, while you're there, why not? That's what LIPO is? Yeah, they give you a little two for one. Yeah. What was funny was how wasted she was when I picked her up from the doctor's office. Oh, I bet.

After those, I mean, she got some keepers bolted on, baby. And I've heard of the recovery is a long time on that. It knocks you up for a while. Yeah, I had a friend that had it done, and she was in a lot of pain. My wife's friend was back to work within a day, and she works at a gym. Oh, wow. Maybe I should say two days. I think it's similar to the, what do they call this, Josh?

Your penis? Yeah. The vasectomy. Similar to the vasectomy. Some dudes are playing beer league hockey 24 hours later. Other dudes still feel it two years after the operation. Because like Josh, this gal that I knew back in the day who got the big ones, big fakeies, she was A-OK in a couple three days.

Oh, really? Yeah, I know. It took the girl I knew out for like weeks. Right. But my sister lived with a guy. gal who got a set of implants put on? I'm talking two straight days when I went to my sister's place. This was the sound from the bedroom of the gal who got those implants.

This was all I heard for two straight days. Oh, no. You know, and I think they can put them in different ways now, Ashley, like a few different options. I'm sure that probably makes a difference. Oh, so maybe it depends on that. Yeah, I just remember she couldn't lift her arms up at, like, She couldn't lift her arms up past her, like, chest area. It was just, it was brutal.

It looked painful. I think it's kind of like that old vasectomy. Okay, now that the mommy makeover has been brought to my attention, I wasn't aware of such a thing. Trash trucker Jesus texted in to say your average mommy makeover, $30 to $100,000? Good Lord. Yeah, stuff is expensive.

It seems like $30,000 is the most common answer coming in. in here. Okay. Then there's much more going on than just bolt-ons and a tummy tuck because like I said, I was part of that scene a number of years ago and there's no friggin' way it was anywhere near $30,000. So things have changed or there's some procedures thrown in there that I'm not even aware of. Yeah, it sounds like right around 10 grand is what implants are costing according to folks here. Some guys are texting in and they're saying, as far as, far as implants go, anything bigger than a handful, and you're risking a sprain thumb. What movie Weird Science, 1985?

You don't want a cheap boob job. A couple of our listeners have texted in saying you don't want a cheap one. Nah, n'uh. Spend the money. Any of that, what do they call it, cosmetic surgery, I'd be afraid of the bargain basement. If it's a van instead of an operating room. go to Dr. Nick from the Simpsons. Those Brazilian butt lifts kill folks overseas, it seems like, when they get the cheap ones.

Oh, no. Yeah. Here's a text that said when those ladies go out and get new cans, they're instantly tired of their old bull. And they want to go get themselves a young calf. It happens on both sides. Both sides. We dudes check into the gym. Jim, you gals, go get the mommy makeover, and you disappear with somebody else.

All these guys telling stories about having to pay for them or their wife getting them and then she cheating on them. Makes me really glad that my ex-wife waited until after we got divorced to get hers. Well, she was cheating on you, but she just didn't have the implants yet. Yeah, my buddy who had that happened where she left him almost immediately, he was joking around like if he ever dates somebody and this happens again, he wants to write some sort of contract where they have to stay with him for a year. At least a year. So that he can enjoy it.

Yeah, he gets to enjoy it a little bit. All right, how about we go this way now? Well, we're discussing the cost of some of these different procedures that a breast reduction cost around 10 grand. Oh, I had no idea. According to one of our listeners. Yeah, I wouldn't know. And that's another one, too, where the recovery takes a long time. I'm trying to remember

we worked with a gal who did that I don't remember if she had a long recovery or not I have a friend who I've known for years and known her and her husband for years she got it done she'd been wanting to do it forever she finally had the money

got it done and she said it was the greatest decision she ever made you know back pain the craziest no the greatest decision she ever made just back pain's gone the unwanted attention's gone she can fit into things and stuff

And we, us bros, we asked the guy or asked their husband, we said, do you kind of miss him, though? And he goes, no, not at all. Like, really? And he goes, no, look you like this, guys. If she leaves me, if anything ever happens, I'm the last guy that ever got to motorboat those things in all their glory. I like the way guys think sometimes.

Yeah, I've heard that too where as far as the difference in somebody's life before and after a surgery, that the women who have the reductions are genuinely happier. Oh, yeah. She's just talking about little things like buying dresses for weddings and things like that. She can fit into things and it's just no longer everything's not uncomfortable anymore. I can't imagine having to deal with that because I don't like how it looks. Like one of the reasons why I never wore underwire bras was because I thought they made me look like chubbier because it made my chest look weird and like bigger.

And I didn't like that. So I can imagine having like actual huge boobs and having to deal with that. I think I was 21 years old. I was totally unaware of the procedure. And me and some unlucky gal fired our clothes into the corner of the room. And we began the process of what came naturally to the both of us. And I saw these scars on the underside of her. And I said, oh, wow, are these store-bought?

And she said, no. no no the opposite you know or not not the opposite but she said something like no guess again and I said oh no were you sick did you have some kind of did you catch cancer and you had and she said no guess again and I said I have no it she said breast reduction stupid and I said I've never heard of it she looked at me like I was a moron which which was the fair way to look about I'd never heard of it before I said, what are you talking about, breast reduction? She said, yeah, I had a bunch of it taken out, you moron. I guess even now knowing about it, I wouldn't assume.

Maybe I couldn't come up with that. I was totally lost. Oh, what happened there? What's wrong with you? I said. Oh, man. All right, if you want to go back real quick, I'm going to try to write some things down when we go to commercial

and try to figure out. Josh brought this. How many of my pals, my best pals, have had a divorce at this point? I mentioned that two of my best friends met their wives when we were juniors in high school and been with them ever since. Have there been some iffy moments along the way? Oh, yeah. But they remained with these women now, and here we are at 54 years old. Plastics, Jesus, texted in to say, I met my wife's sophomore year of high school.

We've been together ever since. I don't know how people do that. And now we're getting a divorce. Oh, sorry. Somebody else, I lost the text here, but somebody else said that they've been together since eighth grade. Oh. Honestly, props to you. That's, that is insane to me.

Tell them to get back to you. They came from a very, very small town, is my guess. If you don't mind getting back to Cubby. Or they could be real religious. I'm going to go with small town. You want to guess religion? Could be. That's where my mind went to, Josh.

Since eighth grade, I bet it's a tiny little town. Not even on the map. What do they say about marriage in Carlstead, Minnesota again, Josh? Give it to them. It's something about you get your turn. What is it? You don't lose your wife. When you get a divorce in Carlestead, Minnesota, you don't lose your wife.

You just lose your turn. I think isn't Carlstead known for having 6,000 men and 22 women in the whole town or something like that? I'm not sure. You just lose your turn. turn. All right, so it wasn't a small town. What? Runs in the dark, Jesus.

New Brighton and not religious, so it's just an anomaly, I guess. New. Wow. Well, it's an odd answer. How many people do you know that would ever admit to being from

New Brighton? So it's a different, it's an odd answer. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off.

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