93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Copy Crappie

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

Originally Aired August 13, 2026: Veterinarian Doctor Andrea answers pet questions. Machete man VS hatchet man. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the poop knife.   Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93X half-ass morning show. Ninety-three. It is... It is Thursday. And this is the 93X half-ass morning show. Appreciate it. It's a little tired in here.

I don't know what the vibe is in your studio over there, Dana. But in our studio, meaning the room where me and Covey and Ashley sat, this year's studio is awful tired. A little tired today? Yeah, we have a severe case of a... exhaustion going around. Oh, no. Josh was up all night because the teenage neighborhood kids played a round or two at

ding-dong ditch on his sorry ass. Hoodlums! We got hoodlums in our neighborhood. He should have fought them. He said he was running around the neighborhood 11.30 p.m. trying to chase down these teenage kids with the nipple rings and the Mohawk haircuts. They were ding-dong ditching them all night long.

That's kind of cool that they're still doing that, though. Yeah, you know what? I agree. And it was a little fun until they kept coming back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they knew they had you have riled up and they just wanted to keep poking that bear. No, they didn't know. So that was the disappointment for them, as there was no reaction. So their neighborhood kids, they were going around getting the people in the neighborhood they knew, right?

My son wasn't home. He was at a sleepover. So their target wasn't there. They knew he was having a sleepover, but they thought it was at our house. Now, the thing is, I've got, like, a ridiculous amount of, it's embarrassing the amount of cameras I have at my house. So I've got all their faces on camera. everything. And I made this elaborate scheme where after the second time I thought, all right, I'm going to write them a note because I can't catch them. I waited by the window, everything.

I couldn't catch them. And so I wrote them a note. I printed out their pictures just to say, you know, ha, you dummies. Like, it's 2026. What are you thinking? That's cute. So you put their pictures on the door for when they returned, they would know that you knew. Yeah, and their names. Because I had asked my son, I'm like, what's going on? You know, like, is this who's doing this? You know, I got to get up, you know, what's happening here. You're getting up at 2 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, and so, I mean, like I said, the first couple times, it kind of reminded me of being a kid.

I thought that's kind of fun. But then it happened a third time. And then they left us a present on the front step, an egg and a crumpled up napkin. And so I don't know if there's a hidden... Yeah, that means they think you're a chicken effer. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah.

That rumor's out there, people know about that? Yeah. Yeah, it's one time. And all of a sudden you're the chicken effer guy. They think you're a chicken effer. That's what the egg and the rolled-up napkin means. So I never had the pleasure of, you know, running into these kids. I thought I did because I saw some hoodlums approaching our house.

I'm like, oh, I got them. Here they come. I abandoned the note. I'm going to go grab them. And it turns out it was my son and his buddies coming back. They ran into the kids and had some fun there. So they meant to bust the chops of your son, more importantly, my godson. Yeah, this sleepover they were having.

Because a kid came back. He was at camp all. summer long he's back right so they just wanted to kind of have some fun and i told unfortunately i was the victim of it all night long i told josh i said there is a big difference between being the ding dong ditch target when you have kids in the house and when you don't like you were explaining they were meaning to piss off your son and aggravate your son because you've got a kid in the house if you're an empty nester and the teenage kids keep ding dong ditching you over and over over and over again, that means the kids consider you the push over push bag of the neighborhood.

Yeah, probably. Or the crank, right? You know, like, we're going to get this guy riled up. He's always in a bad move. The dickhead. Yeah, you're the grumpy old man. They want to rile them up. Yeah, exactly.

Boy, did we love torturing our neighborhood with that type of nonsense when we were kids. So I'm sure, like you said, when that doorbell first went off the first couple of times, you kind of sat there and went, oh, man, I missed them. those days. Yeah, well, first I thought it's my idiot's son, you know, forgot a key or something, right? And then my wife's like, no, I don't even recognize it. And I don't know these kids. They're neighborhood kids.

They know them from school. Fun times. My wife doesn't have the sense of humor I have. She does not like being woken up. And so I think she was ready to kill somebody. I was going to say, I could picture her going on and just whooping some ass. She was pretty rageful, like at the third time. Like, okay, it's getting a little ridiculous.

which I thought too, like, all right, the bit's over here, gang. You have dogs. That's what would piss me off. It's like my dogs would freak out. The third time you make my dogs freak out, I'm losing my mind. You know what kind of bothered me, Ashley? I caught up on our show, Reacher. I only watched one episode.

Well, I watched two and a half, and I fell asleep, and I thought, I'm so disappointed. I wanted to watch all the episodes. And then I certainly could have. I was up so late last night. It was a mix of excitement, and then eventually annoyance. You got a little annoyed.

You never really reached pissed off mode? No, not really. I mean... I really like that you printed their pictures out. That's a fun move. I thought, yeah, that might kind of freak them out, right? Yeah, like, if that would have happened to me when I was a kid, I would have, like, that would have given me, like, those nervous.

That would have been exactly what I was looking for when ding-dong. Ding-don ditching was, like, that nervous feeling you get those butterflies when you're running away. Well, I should thank these kids because I realized last night I'm running low on printer ink. It's been a while since I've used it. off to stop it. Look at you, always finding the silver line, Josh.

Office Max or something. I can tell by the look on your face as soon as I walked in that you're cooked. Oh, man. Yeah. That sucks. What time was this? The last one was about 11, I don't know, 45.

Oh, no. That's not cool. Hilarious. Yeah. But for you, not cool. And it sucks because, like I said, their timing was so perfect. After the second one, I thought,

well, maybe it's the first. I can't remember. Sorry, I'm exhausted. But I thought, All right, you know, it's all, the fun's done. So I went up and I got in my underpants. And I was just about to crawl into bed and they came back. So I'm like, I had a decision to make.

Unplug the doorbell? Do I run out of my underwear to mess with these guys? Run after them with your boxer shorts. So I did and I quickly put my clothes back on, ran out, and they were going on. Yeah. Yeah, you don't want to run in your oversized boxer shorts. There's a chance that they're going to fall down. They might be armed now that I think about it.

The other fear is that one of those kids might kick your ass, and there you are. A grown man in your underwear is getting your ass kicked on your own property by an eighth grade. It's bloodied in the front yard. They're definitely bigger than me. I had that thought, especially when my son and his buddies came back, and I thought it was these kids. There are six of them.

And I approached him, and I thought, this might end up on the news somewhere if I'm going to get murdered by six young people. Now, did you talk to my godson? Did you tell your godson, hey, tell your derelict buddies that this isn't the place to F, I got to get up at 2 o'clock. I did. I'm like, hey, tell them, listen, you know, we're not going to tell a parent.

We're not going to call the cops or anything. Just don't do that anymore. I don't want you to be the guy from my old neighborhood when we were probably, I don't know, 14 years old or something like that. We were terrorizing the neighborhood with the ding-dong ditching and the eggs and the this and that, right? We come to this one house that we did repeatedly pick on. Because, like I was explaining, this was just some old couple. we knew we could get the guy riled up real easy, the dad, the husband, we knew we could get him

riled up real easy. And he was kind of the pushover, right? So that's who we picked on. One particular night, like I said, we were out doing all kinds of nonsense. We're ringing the piss out of the doorbell, that whole thing, and suddenly the dad appears in the yard. Aha! I got you bastards, right? Now, normally, we would have run like hell. And we did run a few times from a few angry dads.

But because we already knew this guy was kind of the neighborhood pushover when he busted out the bushes and says, I got you bastards. My brother just picked him up, gave him a hip toss, and we ran like hell. So here's this 48-year-old man got hip-tossed by an eighth grader, and we all laughed at him and ran away. I don't want that to happen to you, Josh. Because that guy was never the same again. When you get hip tossed by a kid who just hit puberty.

Yeah, they're all taller than me. That could have been trouble. Shotgun Messiah Jesus said, you should have climbed a tree with a net to catch him like Batman would have. Oh, like a net gun? That's cool. I'm prepared now. Now I know.

Okay, I got to write this down because, again, I might forget. Office Max, I'm going to need some ink. Netgun. Netgun. Where do I get that? Like a Cabellas or something? Amazon. Shields?

Everything's on Amazon, man. Amazon. I understand Dana has a problem. him in his neighborhood again with abandoned cars. This is twice in the last year where there's been a hot-wired stolen car that's been left abandoned outside my house still running. You mean like on the street out front of your house or in your driveway?

The first one was in my driveway. We have an alley that's got a little bit of a driveway so it was blocking our garage. This one though was just right outside the house. Windows smashed. It was still running. And it finally got moved just the other day. What do you mean? We got moved. It's like the owner returned? Well, the owner found it right away, but she couldn't start it. Oh, wait a minute. It was stolen.

It was stolen. Yeah. So the owner found it. She couldn't start it because the ignition was ripped out to hotwire it. Since she was here visiting, she was supposed to be driving back to Denver with her kids. I just felt awful for the poor woman. She's never coming back here. No.

Is your neighborhood not the nicest neighborhood? I mean, what's with all the stolen cars? It's a great neighborhood. Yeah. Ashley lived just down the street for me for a stretch. It's very quiet. I left Uptown to move to this house. and by Lake Nacomis with my wife.

And I thought I was getting away from the chaos. Now I've got abandoned drug cars being left in front of my house twice a year. I mean, I suppose Josh tells the stories all the times in the news report. It doesn't necessarily have to be a good or a bad neighborhood to have a few stolen cars. Hell, our guest today at 820 will be Dr. Andrea Johnston, who lives in a beautiful neighborhood, and she just had her vehicle stolen right out the driveway. So it's everywhere now. The stolen car thing is everywhere.

Well, that sucks. I mean, it's better that they're not in it, right? I guess that's a good point. So they're joyriding, just like what happened to Dr. Andrea. The teenage kids are smoking drugs. They take it for a joy ride. They must think that this alley by your house is like a nice abandonment spot. I guess.

But it's funny. It's concerning. I had to call the cops the one time because the car was on our drive. We're like, we needed that thing moved. And he comes and he gets out of the car and he kind of says that look of here we go again. Who was this? He kind of sounds like a pervert.

Oh, the cop. Yeah. Yeah, he sounded like me. He was touching himself. Yeah, it sounded like he was about to make a poor choice. No, he just didn't want to clean through like the sixth drug car of the day. Ah, what a gig. That sucks for you.

Sucks for the cops. Josh, poo-poo's and pee-pies, Jesus has an idea as to how to get back at these punk kids who are messing with you with the ding-dong ditching. Oh, good. Yeah. Again, I have to write this down because I'm very sleepy. I don't want to forget. He says all these kids are in your neighborhood. You know these kids.

I don't personally know them, but my son does. You know that they're in your neighborhood. Yes. You want to get back of these kids? Hell yeah. The ultimate revenge. Absolutely. Bring their mothers to orgasm.

Oh, that's fantastic. And then tell them about it. It's not your fault. You're a nice person, Dana. But I'm a little, I told you that we're in need of a vehicle for a little bit here. and you weren't going to give me an idea what kind of car it was. How many miles were on it? That kind of thing.

I really should have been more considered about that. You're right. Yeah. You would like the one yesterday. It was like a newest Durango. Oh, nice. Yeah. Josh, tonight.

Tonight, climb into a tree on your property, dressed as a ninja. And when the kids walk by? Stop. Right when the kids walk under that tree that you're hiding in dressed as a ninja? You say this, you say. I could have killed you Where's the tree ninja when you need him? I know

He's 54 years old now You know speaking of all this shady behavior And Josh we don't have to talk about Seals 19 and 94 hit single Kissed from a rose all over again We don't Solid tune But speaking of all this shady behavior

I was just reading that shoplifting is on the rise Yeah big time Unfortunately Yeah stuff's too expensive There was a post that went viral the other day about this girl was checking out at self-checkout somewhere. And she had like a little concealer, so it's maybe the size of a lip gloss. It's pretty small. And all the comments were like, why are you paying for that?

Like, why are you paying for something so small? Do you not know what you're supposed to do with those? Like promoting her to just, you know, steal the little concealer. Throw it down into the front of your panties and walk out of there. I was like, oh, I didn't know. weren't supposed to be paying for those, all right? Shoplifting is on the ris-eyes, they say, and yes, a lot of what I read, sadly. Unless this is just an excuse that derelicts know will go over well these days.

A lot of the folks who are getting caught are saying, hey, man, everything's too expensive. That's probably what I would say if I were a derelict shoplifter, like a repeated repeat offender, I might say to try to gain some sympathy for. somebody I might say well hey it's not my fault inflation but I believe that a lot of these are legitimate you know people who really just could use something for free now and again it depends what's being stolen right yep that makes a big difference yeah well tell me I don't think I really have any the the the the the shoplifting report here wasn't itemized it's on there oh it is yeah one two like the fourth point oh oh a food and non oh is that what you're talking about Yeah. I guess I do have an itemized list.

Food and non-alcoholic drinks are the most commonly stolen items. Yeah, that's somebody in a bad way. That speaks to necessity as opposed to just derelict behavior. Then you got your clothes and your jewelry. I got to update my jewelry. Get you a nice chain. I have zero. Oh, you know what? I have my wedding ring. Oh, I got to update. My stuff's getting kind of tired and old.

I asked my wife if. She'd mind if I didn't wear a white, before we got married. I'm like, you know, I'm not really a ring guy. I'm guessing your wife is not cool. From the stories that we know about, she's not cool with that. Can I show you my left hand? Your left hand? Yeah.

You got a ring on there. You're wearing a ring, yeah. She was not cool with that. I feel so, it would be really weird if you one day just like didn't wear it. I would notice immediately. You would? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's just like a part, it's a part of you now. Like, the ladies at the bar will notice? Oh, yeah. I have to be honest. I've never noticed a ring on anyone's finger ever. Yeah, I guess I don't go looking for it. Maybe that's a girl thing. What does it say here?

What else are people stealing, oh, personal hygiene products that they don't smell like garbage? So that does sound like mostly necessities. Yeah, people are up against it. Yeah, when I see a news story about like a mob that, like, stole the formula. I'm like, come on, just let her take the formula, man. Well, you got to pay for the formula. She's just trying to feed a baby.

Somebody help her out here. You do have to pass some money in trade. I'm so glad we, I'm so lucky we've never had to use formula. That stuff is insanely expensive. We had to, just to put weight on our kit. Yeah, you're right. And it works. Everything's expensive.

Yeah, he became a big fat baby. It's so cute. It was awesome. I think I read that 30% of people overall were willing to admit that they have shoplifted in the past. for one reason or another. I went through a stint. Yeah, I mean, I'm a lot of people do.

I'm a lucky guy. I never had to do it out of necessity. Yeah, I was just being an a-hole. Yeah, I was just being a douche. Back when I was on the force, you know, towing that thin, red and khaki line at Target. It's awful thin, too. Very thin. As thin as it can be, you know, the Brotherhood.

There was a wide variety, right? There's definitely times I felt sorry for people where you just tell them, hey, knock it off. put the stuff back and go. But like I told you guys before, the big ones were fishing lures and Razor Blade had replacements. Right. Because they're so expensive. Well, they still are. Holy cow. That's going to be expensive.

I want to be clean-shaven and I want to catch those wall eyes. They would sell them. Yeah. I mean, they just have packs and packs and packs of them. Yeah, two of my buddies, I think, you know, this is 35, 40 years ago, but I imagine their pictures are still up at the front door at Mills Fleet Farm for the amount

of fishing lures and crap that they just because they were passionate fishermen and were also derelicts at the same time. I guess the easiest way to describe the relationship to me would be my grandmother-in-law. She's passed away, and she was a kleptomaniac up until the day she died. Out of just because she was a derelict? Well, she would always, I mean, the excuse the family would give was, you know, she grew up in the Great Depression, that kind of thing. I'm like, well, you know, that was a while ago.

That decade closed out at one point. or another. He seems to be doing all right, but anything. You know, like at Target when you're checking out, and you see, like, gum and all that kind of stuff, she'd grab that. So she was just a terrible. You go to Arby's horsy sauce. That's going to be in her purse.

She would steal silverware, salt and pepper shakers. She was cheap. Yeah, I don't know what. I think it just became such a thing for her. She just did it. Well, some people get hooked on it. Yeah. They like the rush.

The rush of it. But this sounds like she was just a sleaze bag. But the family always like to push that well. She did grow up in the Depression. They like to told that line. Come on. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I had never heard anybody say that until this family, bringing that up. That's funny. Okay, well, that was, you know, she didn't die at 35 years old, did she? No, she made it to like 97? Right. She was up there. She lived a little ways beyond the Depression. She got over it.

Maybe she was depressed. Maybe that was the other part. It stuck with her. Yeah, shoplifting's on the rise, abandoned vehicles. teenage kids ding-dong ditch in your house. It was just a couple years ago I accidentally stole a hanger from Home Depot. Oh my God. I bought some cheap hangers.

A hanger? Well, I should say a pack of four. Oh, I was thinking that maybe you got a shirt and you like took the hand. I was going to let you know that you can do that. They allow that? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I was like I bought, I don't know, eight packs of eight four packs.

I like to have a lot of hangers in the house. Yeah, me too. We just forget. Our old ones were just like disgusting, falling apart. A guy just texted in and said, my wife will show you her set of hangers. Anyway. I got a buddy who calls his mother-in-law hangers. Hey, hangers is on her way over. I've told them, I'm like, aren't you worried that you're going to, that's going to slip?

Because he doesn't stay in front of his wife or anything. Hey, hang time. He's like, yeah, the kids, they're being watched by hangers. So what happened with the hangers, Josh, at the Home Depot? I realized as I was, you know, putting them in the vehicle. that like oh i only bought uh or paid for seven and i got eight of these things okay so i went back in just to say hey i you know i apologize i didn't ring this up and the person working there looked at me like i really don't care i don't care yeah at all you didn't need to come in you're

wasting my time i'm new here i don't know how to do a rebate to whatever on the computer right now you've made my day more difficult right i kind of think i made the wrong call there i should have just mailed them a check or something well so you were honest about it which is wonderful some people say nothing if it's accidental you know of course we're going to step away from the sleazy

career petty thieves like Josh's grandmother-in-law we're focusing on people who accidents happen they're at the front desk what do they call it in the business Josh register register the cashier

they forget to pay for something. So the question is, do you say something or do you just sweep that item into your bag? You know, either the cashier forgets to pay for it or you forgot to put it, you know, that kind of a thing. Some people just walk away and say nothing. Others are honest like Josh. Depends what it is. What do you mean? If it's like gum, you do, don't say something. I'm like, I'm not walking all the way back in there to just like my bad. I accidentally. Depends on the value of the item. Yeah, there's been times I put stuff under my cart and like say it's case of water that I forget. I'm like,

all right, that's like three bucks. But if it was like a case of diapers, I'm like, nope, I got to go back in. These are price here. I suppose I had that issue where I had a couple cases of pop or water on the bottom of the, I never put it up on the thing. I got all the way to the car. Oh, Jesus, I never paid for this pop and water.

I piss on that. It's only worth 20 bucks. If it was something more expensive that could get me in trouble, I would absolutely go back in. Have you guys ever been in self-checkout before and somebody comes by and kind of like the worker there and they like linger a little bit. And they're like, don't forget to get the stuff on the bottom because that's happened to me.

And then I immediately get like super defensive in my head. I'm like, I wasn't going to steal it. Do I look like a thief? That's going to get to it. You know, it's like that I remember the first time at a restaurant where the manager came up and said, hey, how is everything? I thought, what am I being profiled for here? I hadn't experienced that before.

What did I do wrong? That just happened the other day. Your Catholic guilty conscience played with you there, and you thought you had done something wrong. When he asked you, is everything okay? I was, yeah, I was on, like, on guard. Like, who do they think we are? What's the problem here? But they were just being friendly.

That actually just happened me the other day, not at a restaurant, but a different place. And I thought, oh, no, they think I'm up to something. What's with this generosity? You look really shady. I haven't had a lot of problems with forgetting to put an item on the counter like we were discussing. I haven't had a lot of problems, many problems of forgetting, you know, your pop or water on the bottom of your cart. I've had a couple of episodes. My problem is, and this is a little bit different but similar, my brain is deteriorating where I'll pay for something and then walk away without bringing it with me.

Oh, I've done that. Mostly at a gas station. It just did that with a really nice warm pretzel and cheese. You left it there. Yeah. I almost cried. They didn't call you back in? No, no, no, no.

They probably thought free pretzel. I know you well enough to know that you're not kidding. I bet you almost did cry. Yep, I got to my car and I was like, I wanted that so bad. It is. You're right, Josh. It's always at the gas station because you're in a hurry. Usually if I'm at the gas station, it's before or right after work and I'm cooked

and I'm not all together there. So, yeah, bottles of Gatorade, cans that chew and tobacco, things like that. Now, luckily, whoever, at the front desk has always waived me back in. I don't know what the hell happened with that pretzily cheese. Well, QC. Sheez says this. What do you think of this one? Does it really count as shoplifting if the cashier doesn't do their job and scan the giant yellow bag of dog food you made sure the barcode was easy for them to scan?

That's on them. I'll go along with it. It's one way to look at it. I'll go along with it. I understand too. Dog food is pricey. It is. How about this, Josh?

we have another listener in our audience who refers to their mother-in-law as hangers. I had never heard that until my friend. What a bunch of disrespectful bastards. At any right, he says his mother-in-law stole something. $850,000. He says his mother-in-law, who he also calls hangers, stole $850,000 from her mother and got five years in prison.

From her own mom. That's cold. Uh-uh. That beats the piss out of fish and lures and razor blades. I'd kill somebody. I tell you that. That's insane. Number one.

So that would have been your mother-in-law's mother had $850,000. That's pretty impressive. Woo-we. I'd like to get there someday. I'd like it if you'd like it if you. had $850,000 too, because want to know why? You'd rob me blind. You'd give me $425,000 of that money if I asked for it.

Heck yeah. You would. 100%. He would. Bring on the con. Jesus said, is it stealing if you change the price tag and make the item cheaper? You're still paying for something. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's stealing. Yeah, anybody that did that. As a matter of fact, I found out later all of our band equipment, that's exactly what happened. There was a store, I think it was called Banks. Do you remember that store, Nick? I do not. Minneapolis?

No. They had like a lot of stuff, like overstock items or let's say a building caught on fire, right? A business, they kind of sell that some damage stuff. Oh, yep. And so we actually had a really cool setup. It was one kid, and he had some money, his parents did, so I thought they bought it for us. But a whole PA, that's how you get in a band, right, Nick? If you have a PA system, you can be the singer.

Like you got the equipment, you're going to be in the band. If you got the equipment, you are running that operation. And so that's kind of how it was. You went to this joint that sells damaged goods. He did. And you got your PA for your first rock band. Yeah. So we found that out later because there was a pair of brothers in the band.

And the older brother was his entire scheme. And I remember thinking, well, that's terrible. But also, that's genius. And what he would also do is he would do that switching the price tag. And he'd put the cheaper one on. But he'd make sure to leave the more expensive one on underneath it. And then he'd go back and return it with the more expensive price tag on it. Oh my gosh.

He got paid for getting our whole system. The scammy worked out. What a genius. That's impressive. Evil genius that he was. Yeah, back in the day when they had the stickers on everything. There were quite a few people who liked to pull that trick. I have a family member that did it at one of those big hardware stores that we love so much.

He would go there and get stuff for his construction job. You're right. Power tools. Yep. You know, like pavers, that kind of. Save a few hundred dollars. Yeah, did it forever. Like a really long time.

And eventually they found out. And it was not a great situation to be it. Had they been like catching a case, you know? And like, did they have details or did you just get caught for the one incident? They knew that like it's been going on for a minute. And they're like, listen, dude. Like you can never come back here ever, ever, ever again anywhere. Like you're banned nationwide.

Well, he's lucky he didn't go to prison. I know. That's what my family was saying. It totaled up, you know, all of the money that he... But I was like, hey, you know, give me some two-by-fours next time you're there. Thank you for the price of paperclip. There you go. Josh, this is terrible.

One of our listeners says your mother stole his V-card. Oh. Come on, man. I told you I didn't sleep last night. I can't handle that. He's pretty tired today, guys. So let's try to limit the mother jokes. If you don't mind, I mean, do what you want.

I'm not your boss. It would be nice if I could have just a bit of a day off. Another person says they got their gear at Banks as well. He got a Charvel surfcaster. So they had a lot of musical instruments. Yeah, they did. I can't recall where we got our first PA system. But you're right.

Once you got your hands on that when you were a 15, 16-year-old kid, sky's the limit. That's half the battle to have that. And the one we bought was from like, 1966, I think like, you know, some hippie band owned it in the 60s. This effing thing was so old, Josh. The actual soundboard, the knobs were the size of a dinner plate. Just to turn the volume up on the needed both hands.

It was like a huge big fat knobs older than hell. We got it to work. The sum bitch would pump out some smoke now and again. You know what I mean? It was older than piss, but it worked. Speaking of that, did you guys have, like, flashpots or fog machines? We used the fog machine at one show. Sick.

We did. We had those two. 11th grade, there was a, the school jam where four or five bands from our high school were given the stage at the auditorium, but we got to put on a show. We brought a fog machine, and the janitor flipped out. You're not running that frigging thing. It'll set off the fire alarm. Oh, yeah.

And we said, oh, yeah, I suppose we won't do that then. And as soon as he walked away, we're like, okay, we're still doing this, right? Of course. And we hit the high button on that fog machine, dude. It looked like we were emerging from a spaceship or something like that. That is so awesome. Flashpots, no, I wouldn't have trusted any of us with that. Are you talking about like a bang?

What is that? Like a colored explosion, basically. I can't believe bars let us do that. Well, it was the 90s, man. Yeah, they didn't know anything about. Nobody cared. All right, we got to get going. What a crowd we got gathered around, so we should really put an effort in on today's program.

Like I mentioned, later on, 820, 830, Dr. Andrea Johnston will be here if you want to text in some questions about your friggin house pets. She's wonderful. We'll have fun with Dr. Andrea. And in a few minutes, we'll come back with the stupid news report here on the half-assed morning show. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust standard heating.

They're fast, reliable, and make it easy. So it's just one less thing to worry about. And if you've never tried them before, now's the time. Get $75 off your first service or tune-up. And while you're added, mention 93x. Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help.

Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialke. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. I'm your host Megan Klingeberg. And after interviewing so many dudes during this Men's World Cup, I'm so happy to be back with my U.S. Women's national team players. I know the U.S. men's national team has changed how I think about

myself, how I think about being an American, how I think about being on a team. It's one year out from that World Cup, and we're going to talk about the brightest prospects in U.S. soccer. You ready? I'm ready. Let's do it. The U.S. Soccer podcast, presented by Henkoe. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.

Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Go ahead and place your bets. I want to know who you got your money on here. Let me give you the matchup. First off, let me give you the setting in a grocery store parking lot.

In one corner, we've got an ugly, everyday random son of a bitch. Run of the mill bastard! In one corner, we got an everyday random SOB, and he's swinging a machete. and in this corner there's an even uglier derelict and he's toting a hatchet

who do you got and why hmm hatchet hatchet kind of that's the first thing I thought of too oh really I kind of thought you folks would go the other way well because a hatchet would be easier to throw at somebody

so you can maintain some distance okay that's the logic for everybody you're going with the guy with the hatchet. Yeah. So you throw the hatchet at him. The guy's like, oh, my God, a hatchet. And he gets so rattled, he drops his machete. And then you stab the piss out of him with that machete.

What if when you throw the hatchet, you miss? He just steps aside. It goes sailing, you know, across the grocery store parking lot. Now, hatchet guy is weaponless. Then you run. Run like hell. Run. Very good odds that'll happen.

Right. I'll probably go wide, right. Or probably go directly into my leg. I was going to say, you'd be short. Yeah, I'd forget to release it. It would go in my leg. As you guys know, I'm pretty good with a pickax. Right.

And I'd imagine there's some transfer there. You're good at the throwing knives. I am very good with throwing knives. Lethal with a throwing knife. Okay. I guess and then when all else fails, you just, if this is an 80s movie, at least, you put on some glasses and they're going to leave you alone. Nobody hits a guy with glasses. I thought you guys were going to go with a machete character.

If it was close combat, probably. Okay. Again, grocery store parking lot in one corner. We got a guy swinging a machete. The other guy, totting a hatchet. And the two of them were ready to fight to the death. In that grocery store parking lot, they were ready to die for a lady. Love, Cubby.

They were both in love with the same lady. Would you find that romantic, Ashley? If there was a machete hatchet fight happening over you? Any kind of fight. I mean kind of happy. Two women willing to die for me in a grocery store parking lot? That's the sexiest thing I've heard all day. And machetes and hatchets are pretty cool.

I would assume I've done something right. I think you're really going to like this now. The two combatants, contenders, the adversaries here, they go by the names of Everett Critchbomb. He's just mad. And James Gay. You can't make this stuff up. I dare you to try.

Everett, Critchbaum, and James Gay. And yes, they're from, you know where. So according to the cops who ended up on the scene, they said that Mr. Gay was the primary aggressor in the incident. Mr. Critchbaum, he was just a setting in his car in the parking lot when Mr. Gay walked up on him. They recognized each other.

Mr. Gay walked up on him, Cubby, and he started with the smart mouth comments, talking trash, this and that, with the mouth. He started up with that first. Mr. Gay, again, he was the aggressor, chirping. Mr. Gay then allegedly walked on over to his motor vehicle and snatched up that machete.

and then before he noted, Mr. Kirchbaum took that machete right across the face. Howie. He didn't even see it coming. Right across the mug, he got slapped with that old machete, and it opened up a brand new pie hole. That's how you get stitches in your vent right there. Ooh, a couple. Opened up a brand new yapper on Mr. Kirchbaum. Tough bastard.

I would have gone down. Right then and there, if I take a machete swing to my moneymaker. But apparently that's when Mr. Kirchbaum, critchbaum, however the hell, he grabbed up the hatchet and took to windmill in it in the direction of Mr. Gay. Did you notice that Mr. Gay looks a lot like our former promotions director? A little bit, he does. Yeah. Like when I first, like if you kind of just scroll past it quick enough,

you're like, oh my God, what did he get arrested for? And when did he change his last name? Mr. Gay does look a little bit like our ex-promotions director on our ex-promotions director's worst day. Yeah, which we've seen him a couple times in that. Mr. Critchbaum kind of looks like a guy I know from the Wise at Allegion. But anyway, some lucky prick at that grocery store in the grocery store parking lot, some lucky prick who was ringside for this.

Can you imagine how incredible that would be? That'd be cool. You stop off at the grocery store to get yourself some ramen. and some lima beans or whatever. And you just happened to walk upon Mr. Gay and Mr. Critchbaum squaring off with a machete and a hatchet, I would consider myself very lucky. They called the local authorities. And when they arrived, by the time the cops got there, Mr. Gay was missing a pinky on one hand.

And Mr. Gay also had a hatchet wound, and don't get cute with that, in his guts. He had taken the hat. Oh, I'm not worth, if there's any ladies getting ready to have a fight like that, I'm not worth you losing a pinky or taking one of the gut. Papa, one of his pinkies is now on the pavement, and he took a direct shot to the boiler. Now, Mr. Kirchbaum's face was a bloody garbage pile. Remember, he's the one who took the machete. He had been cut up pretty good.

The cops were able to get the boys to back her down. and both Mr. Gay and Mr. Critchbaum were taken to the hospital. And they both pretty much admitted that their grocery store showdown was over some gal that both of them are currently pounding. She knows how to pick them. Yeah, she does. Both of them have been charged accordingly for playing machete, hatchet parking lot tag. But here's the problem. both Mr. Gay and Mr. Critchbaum.

They're being held in the same county jail. So this ain't over yet. They're going to take this to a higher level yet, Josh. Maybe they'll bond. You think? Yeah, you've told the story about a couple of rivals who ended up bonding over a disagreement over a woman. It sounded like it was more one guy was the aggressor and then later apologize.

Boy, I don't remember this. It wasn't something where he started yelling at some dude about dating, this broad and broad sorry I loved it a young woman sound like my sister she always says broad does she I'm sorry I didn't sleep so and then

like the guy ended up calling back to apologize saying you're right he was with her for a little oh yes I just told that story recently yeah yeah where the dude shows up at my buddy's door pouring rain middle of the night and my buddy answers the door and says yeah and the dude says hey man because they they had dated the same woman.

Yeah, the dude who was standing in the pouring rain said, I wanted to tell you, you were right about her. She's a crazy bitch. Somebody texted in and said or asked, isn't anyone wondering why they had a machete and a hatchet in their car in the first place? No, I've had machetes in my car. Well, it's the, it's the F word. That's the reason.

Give them the F word, Josh. The F word that I won't say during this particular. Oh, Florida. Yeah, that's why they had a machete and a hatchet. Because fart used to be the F word for Ashley, but now she says it freely. They're all nuts. They're all nuts. Everyone carries some kind of a hand weapon in their car down in the F word, and I understand why.

Everybody's insane. I was pretty excited when I got my machetes. But I didn't realize how, I mean, it makes sense. But boy, are those things dull. Like, if I hit you with one of those things, it would be more just annoying. And maybe that's why Mr. Critchbomb didn't die instantly when he got hit across the yapper with it. We got to sharpen those bad boys. Hatchet was the same thing.

You got to sharpen that pig up. Yeah. So if you want to Mark Sanchez somebody in a parking lot, get yourself a sharpening stone. Mr. Booby Cooler, Jesus says he has both in the trunk of his vehicle. A hatchet and a machete. Oh, pardon me. Yeah, that's the correct weaponry. A hatchet and a machete.

Jealous. One of our listeners keeps a poop knife on him at all times. I hated learning that that one day. I'd never experienced. Keeps it right in his back pocket like a comb. Was it someone that told us they started dating a girl whose family had one? Yes, it was something along those lines where someone was violently introduced to the idea of a poop knife. They had no idea that it was a thing and they were horrified and it scarred them for quite a few years.

I found out it was a thing when I was younger. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. That was weird. Well, I should say that. I didn't really think much of it at the time, actually. I was like, yeah, that seems normal. It shouldn't be a thing.

It shouldn't. That's repulsive. The family poop knife. It's just terrible. All gather around the family poop knife. What do you do? Do you all just eat out of a big bucket of grain or something? We poop once every two weeks.

It's horrible. Yeah, I don't know what that. My brother had issues for a while. I would never go back to a home that utilizes a poop knife. I would never go back. There would be a one-time thing for me. I think my mom would throw away. I think the knife would be thrown away afterwards.

I think that was the case. You just rinse it off in the sink, you hang it back up. What I believe is you just kind of wipe it on your sleeve, you know, one side and then the other side. Designated spot. You put it back in the poop knife sheath. Picture some nice, like, cute cross-stitch thing that says, you know, like Wessel family poop knife and it's hanging right there from that.

Like, looking like something your grandma made you. I have never seen one if I did. I'm telling you, I'd never return. Now, what about people that are texting in? What about families that have one communal puke bowl? I was just going to bring that up. And it's the old ice cream bucket. Or, which also was our popcorn bucket.

So it would be cleaned out. Sometimes there's popcorn. Sometimes there's regurgitated popcorn. That's the worst thing I've heard since we were talking about the poop knife. And as a kid, I didn't know how gross that was. I mean, I know we had a puke bucket, but I can guarantee you that that was its only purpose. I know we had a puke bucket, but that is all. Ours was multi-purpose.

That's terrible. My mom was such a clean freak that I never used. even worried about that. Like when, because it would just go in with all the other random bowls we have. And so we would just grab one for popcorn or whatever it was we're doing. And I, I never thought like, oh, is this the puke bowl? It's terrible. And sorry, we need to be, we need to backtrack because sometimes we get excited and we make assumptions that people know all of. People are texting in and saying, okay, slow down. What the hell is a poop knife? There are apparently people that keep some kind of a sharp instrument in the bathroom to cut

I can't believe I'm going to say this to cut down giant logs that have been left in the toilet that they don't think can make it all the way down skis. Or you've tried to... Or you've tried to make them down and they're not working so then you've got to go get the knife. Well right, that's what I mean. A buddy of mine's

dad broke one up for him. He just went in there with his bare hands. No, he did not. I was there. It was disgusting. What are you talking about with his bare hands? His dad was a different guy. You saw a grown man reach into a toilet, grab a turd that did not belong to him, not that that matters, and he broke it up. He broke it up in half with his own hands. Like he's splitting up a what you

might call it. Maybe even the turds were in thirds. Now they think about it, he broke it twice. So this man must have been like a sick serial killer or something. No, he was a wonderful guy, but he was very weird and he did a lot of strange stuff. What did you do when you saw this? I would have run screaming. Well, we were laughing. We were in high school and we were so disgusted. But his dad also I've told you this before, I think. He would sit on the toilet, right? He's doing his business and floss at the same time and be like, hey, Josh, get over here and want to talk about the day.

So he was like a sick pervert? I don't think he was a pervert. He was just a different type of guy. He didn't really think about bodily functions as everybody else does. He's a matter of fact guy. This is a guy who wanted you to see his penis. What did he do for a living? Was he like used to seeing stuff like that maybe?

Or like, was he a health care worker? Sanitation? He wasn't Sanitation is probably not the right way to put it. He was like a handyman. Before that he was a priest. All right.

So maybe... Wow, there's a lot happening here. Cubby, this guy murdered homeless people. That's what he did. I saw him murder a lot of animals. A couple disturbing times. I need to know more about this guy. I think we know enough about this guy.

I've already made a decision on who this guy is. I'm interested. You saw him kill animals, break up turds with his bear hands. and he called you into the bathroom when he was naked from the waist down. You got it. That's all I need to know. You nailed it.

Jesus, balls, you were lucky to get out of that situation alive. 6510-715, Jesus said, so were you friends with Craig from Friday? Yeah, his dad was, I mean, it was the same type of situation. Smell yours for 22 years, you can smell mine for five minutes. Yeah. That guy, Josh, I don't want to hear about that guy anymore. Chugged up plumber, Jesus. He's laughing pretty hard at the poop knife bit.

Have you seen that in your chugging up plumbering? Have you seen a poop knife before in your daily work? I've never seen one. No. Just heard the story from a listener. And then we had people texting in saying, oh, yeah, it's a very real thing. We had one in our family, too. I've heard they're very common up north where the plumbing isn't as strong as it might be down here in the city.

So it's not real capable of pulling down a real keeper. I don't like the sound of it. I don't give a rat's ass what your situation is. It's wrong. All right. How about one for the Iwoegens? Where are you? You dirty bastards?

Text us if you're an Iwoegian. 651-989-93-93. This one's from me to you, by God. Text us, Iowegians. Maybe some of you know this gal. She's a character. First off, she doesn't even have an IEugian driver's license anymore because she effed up a few years ago.

She got caught driving a motor vehicle. while she was sideways off her ass high on meth rocks. She did. She lost her Iwoejan driver's license for driving around high on meth rocks. But now the cops just caught her again, driving. She was on dope again, too. She was high on dope. But she wasn't in your standard motor vehicle this time.

She was on a guessing game. It's time for the guessing game. Ashley and Dana. Gal doesn't have a license anymore. She's an Iwoegeon, but the cops caught her driving. She's high. She's not in a motor vehicle this time. She's driving a what?

An animal of some sort? Let's go horse. No, no. That's too easy. Donkey. On a donkey is guest number one. Danil. Does go-kart count? Of course it counts. Of course it counts. Of course the go-kart counts. Okay, I don't know if it's too close to a car.

All your closest friends, Mario Luigi. Yoshi, Princess Pea bucket, whatever her name is. They all would count a go-kart. You're both wrong, but I enjoyed our guessing game. She was on a lawnmower. Duh. So the cops caught her again. This time she was driving a lawnmower.

Her name is Michelle. She's 36 years old, and she can't get right. Oh, Jesus, you know what just occurred to me, John? It's a hard 36. Yeah. Does she look like 36 going on? 106? Are you referencing her mug shot or something?

It's not terrible. It's more the look on her face and the direction she's, her head is. It's weird. Is that a drug thing? Do people do that when they're on drugs? She kind of has a say what look on her face, doesn't she? Yes. I didn't see her.

Let me see if I can turn this around. Okay. Can you see that? Oh, yeah. Weird. She's totally out of her mind on dope. Yeah. You know what just occurred to me, though, Josh.

It looks like she's dodging a hatchet. Even this meth clown, Michelle lady, has a riding lawnmower while you're sitting over there playing with your little pee-pee. Yeah. Wow, yeah, that is embarrassing, dude. Get your money up. Get your money up. Don't get me wrong.

I like playing with my pee-pee, but I would like to have a riding lawnmower. Josh? Combined those two loves. In the words of one of my heroes growing up, Leaky. one of my dad's pals Leaky. He always said this and this is directed towards you and you're riding lawnmower

drama. Sh! Or get off the pot. This was nothing but a Muppet show, really, when they pulled Michelle over. She didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. High on meth again. So she's sitting in the county jailhouse. She's all done.

Her career rap sheet is pretty spectacular. So at this point, I think she's all done. That's probably for the best. You can see her mugshot now on 93X.com. Yeah, she's totally out of her gourd. She sounds something. Where are the Iwoeans? Oh, yeah.

There's a few checking in. Yeah, I see a few texts coming in from you filthy Ioegians. A lot of transplant saying, yeah, I lived there when I was a kid, but now you all move here. My mom's in Ioegian. Just like those frigging Wiscoe bastards. They all, oh, yeah, I live. Now I'm here. You were happy to have you.

Why do they all come up here, Josh? The Iwoegians and the Whiskos. In Search of a Better Life? That must be it. They're in search of a better life. The twins? They love the twins? Maybe they're just big Twins fans?

That has to be it. All right. Thank you for texting in, Iowegians. What a gang bang, goat rodeo this turned out to be. Let me throw this at you. 28-year-old gal was pulled over in, you know where, the southeast. She got pulled over by the cops.

Yes, she did. She confused the piss out of the cops right from the get-go. She said she didn't have her ID, and then she said she's never had an ID. And then she said she was from New York. And then she said, but I wasn't born there. And the police said, okay, let's back this pig up. Can you tell us the name that you go by?

And she said, oh, yeah, my name is Brianna Valenzuela. Oh, I subscribed your only fans account. My name? Yeah. Brianna. Brianna Valenzuela. Not much of any of that was true. here's the eff in truth.

It was found out that her real name is Bryce and she's F in Canadian. And the fun really kicked in for the cops when they saw that Bryce, the Canadian gal, had 12 different driver's licenses in her car,

all of them featuring her picture but with different names and dates of birth. She's in the CIA ground branch. Dude. That's the only thing that makes sense here. Chicks are shady. man. They do stuff.

I've been telling you that for years. So it was found out that Brycey Bryce, the Canadian lady, she's here in the States illegally, but it's unclear if she had any other criminal plans with all those different identifications.

Boy, I bet you could get things done with 12 different friggin IDs. I don't have the memory for that anymore. I'd be so confused. Yeah. I'd combine names, forget where I was from. Yeah. fake from. I would take one ID out

and five of them would come out with it. She was charged with this and that fraudulent use of personal information, driving without a license, providing a false name. What the hell are these Canadian gals planning on, Cubby? You know, there's some weird stuff about Canada. This morning I was reading an

article about some of their lake names. Lake names. Maybe you've heard of some of these. Here's some of the lake names. This lake, that lake, another lake and another lake ugly lake stupid lake big ass lake and then there's one

I don't know if I can say really I absolutely love that P word lake I love Canada I love what they got going on really that's hilarious yeah go to and another lake that's the one we're going to honest to God I would have so much fun with that oh my God I gotta I gotta know the history behind the history

let's go to that stupid lake yeah somebody a stupid lake gets they got a good sense humor. Well, F me. That's the coolest thing I've heard all day. I gotta see if I can catch a crappie in one of those bodies of water. Copy, crappie. That's what I say when I get one on the line. Every time? Yeah. That's fun. For you. Is that the folks around? You don't think that I'm entertaining everyone else in the boat? Again. Oh, they love it. They just can't get in. I'd find some whimsy in that for sure. All right. I guess we got time for

one more. This is kind of cute, I guess. I think this is an English story, but it doesn't matter. The folks on the city council in a town called Dorset, they had to dump an apology out there for everybody in town. Apparently, a dead end sign was put up right by the local cemetery.

That's too bad. Do you see what they do? I like it. Copy crap. Do you see how they are? Folks, that way. was insensitive. Oh, I wouldn't bother me if that was where my loved ones would be buried.

I mean, it's kind of fun. To be quite honest, I wouldn't even necessarily put that together. Oh, you think it was literally a dead end? No, it wouldn't. It was a dead end. It was, yeah. I don't think it would dawn on me, no. A lot of folks in town thought it was cute.

Others didn't find it very funny. The dead end sign was posted up at Cemetery Road, which leads to a joint called Wimborn Cemetery. and it's got a lot of dead folks in there. So the city council said, yeah, sorry, we got a lot going on around here. I don't think the people that are, you know, chilling at the cemetery really care. You're probably right on that one. They are mostly unbothered by such a thing.

Sports on the 93X half-assed morning show. Hello, everyone. Look, you know, decision was made that was out of my control. and obviously every competitor wants to play. But moving forward, it's just about continuing to work hard and just staying ready for when my number's called. Do you think you have a future with the Vikings as a starter? Like I said before, this is a place I want to be.

And I love every single person in this building. I love this state. I love the fan base. And I'm going to continue to just do whatever I can for this team in this organization. Who's that, J.J. McCarthy? He's going to leave. Yeah, nobody cares about you.

Eventually. Probably. Like next year. I'll say that, right? He's saying the right things. Nobody cares. I want to be here. I love it here.

Josh, you know, earlier I was wondering, how come so many you whisk go bastards, how come so many of you, you Iwoegians? Sure, you grow up in those two respective areas, but then you come here. You grow up and you come here. Why? What's the problem?

You get some answers? I got one. One of our listeners texted in to say, give me a break. It was 1984. I didn't want to become a pig farmer. All right. Fair enough.

Come on, Ian. All he is, you're welcome. I have a pretty good time with you, Iowegians. Wisconsin people, a little bit of a different story, but I have a pretty good time with the Iwoeans. Another series win for the 20 Twins. 7-5 win over Baltimore yesterday. Beat the Baltimore Orioles.

Nice comeback win. Woo. Now, tonight is going to be that magical, picturesque, beautiful gimmick down there, speaking of the Iwoegens, down there in Iowa, they call it the Field of Dreams game. I'm a little concerned about one of our listeners who texted in.

He said, I need a little help skis. He says, I'm thinking of going to the Twins game. tonight. I need some encouragement to help ease the blow of that $600 ticket price. Dude, you realize tonight's game

is in Iowa, right? I'm just worried about this guy that he thinks tonight's a home game. He'll just be standing outside target field. Because he makes no mention of driving all the way to Iowa or the field of dreams or anything. He just says, I'm going to the game. I'm thinking of going to the game tonight at $600 make me feel

better about my purchase. Well, you should decide, like, now, so that you can get on the road. Well, that's what I'm talking about. You realize, dude, that tonight's game is not at Target Field. We'd hate for you to walk down to Target Field and say, holy balls, the twins really are an unpopular club. There's nobody. No wonder tickets are so expensive. They need the money.

It's in a town called Dyersville or something. Look that up, dude. If I had the money, I would definitely do it. If that helps you at all. I think it'd be cool. But here's the thing is, didn't we hear yesterday that tickets to this frigging game tonight are thousands of dollars? Yeah, 600 sounds cheap from what Dana was saying. They dropped significantly over the last few days,

last four or five days. Oh, did they? Get back to me, dude. Is this news to you that the game is being played in Iowa tonight? Because people have made those mistakes before. We've read stories about Josh, if I'm remembering correct, Jesus, I think it was a couple of soccer fans who flew all the way to Spain or something to see their favorite, and the game was at home?

Yeah, they went in the wrong direction. Yep. The Lynx got a win last night. What else? It ought to be something. We'll talk about that field of dreams game in a little more detail when Randy Schaeber stops by. Josh's news is right around the corner. Hey, it's Dana.

Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust standard heating. They're fast, reliable, and make it easy. So it's just one less thing to worry about. And if you've never tried them before, now's the time. Get $75 off your first service or tune-up. And while you're added, mention 93X.

Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer, Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com.

And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. These players are battered and exhausted, but you don't hurt like this if you don't care about this team, about this country, about this game. I think you can feel the intensity. The goals, the energy that, wow, look at us. Here in the U.S., I have got some. news for you. There's so much more to come. My name is Megan Klingberg, and we're just getting started.

The U.S. Soccer Podcast, presented by Henco. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. 93X half-assed morning show. I'm scared because I have four kids, so I'd be scared. My husband travels. The least looked ordinary enough. A house in Riverside County, California, four bedrooms, a backyard, room for the kids to run around, and a creepy guy. living in the secret dungeon below the house. That's the story of Sharnita Matthews and her husband, who signed on the dotted line, packed up their four children, and moved in three months ago. For a while, it was everything they hoped for.

Then came the noises. The not-so-normal house-settling stuff. Sounds clearly not coming from insider walls, which is the kind of detail that ends in a good night's sleep real fast. So the family did some investigating. When I'm in another area in my house, I can hear doors close, and I was like, okay. They pried a wooden board off the side of their backyard deck and found a full basement or cellar under there occupied. Someone had moved in with a completely stocked cleaning supply closet, bleach, soap, detergent, the works.

Illegal squatter, sure, but weirdly tidy, too. It was a brand new bottle of Murphy's oil, and then there was clothing detergent. And then that's when I found a tarp and clothes, and then we even found, like, a black tube. that looked like it had some drugs. The mystery tenant had also figured out how to tap into the home's power. You can see the door with the fan that was plugged up down there. So they've been using my electricity. Yeah, it's a basement, bro.

That's power and all. Since the family boarded up the space, Matthews hasn't seen any people under the stairs. But she's still uneasy and understandably worried about how many other people might know the basement is down there. So they never actually saw a human being? No, they didn't. Luckily. And this was all down in the basement. Yeah, that they didn't know they had. had. Neighbors weren't exactly shocked. They said that house has cycled through plenty of tenants

over the years. Some of them, quote, problematic. Well, that's a little creepy. Apparently, this is a pretty good week for discovering dwellings. A researcher finally uncovered the exact location of William Shakespeare's London home. Jesus, I can finally get a good night's sleep. Yeah. When are we booking tickets to go check it out? As soon as you want. Okay. It took a while to find it. because scholars weren't sure if he lived in an apartment to be or not to be. DC commuters got an extra two hours added to their Wednesday morning commute. Totally uncool.

Yeah. And you know what else? Unnecessary. That didn't need to happen. Courtesy of a mystery package and a seriously confused fire station that thought someone was about to blow their load. A concerned citizen watched a person dump a package into a street corner trash can about 7 a.m. and called 911. Police swarmed the area and shut down roads for nearly two hours, assuming the worst.

And it was bad, worse than anyone could have imagined. Police have asked people to stay back. They told us to stay over here. People are being pushed back. We did see that officer walk in with his suit on. We're working to get more details. According to the official report, what cops thought was a bomb turned out to be designed for a completely different kind of blast. somebody left behind a perfectly good penis pump, which led to the premature evacuation.

One Swedish-made penis enlarger. That's not mine. Again, gridlock for two hours over this thing. That's so strange. Investigators said a firefighter was approached by some dude who'd been out there adjochulating in Washington, D.C. The same guy who tossed the rogue wire-exposed boner pump behind the building before tucking tail and fleeing the scene. The package wasn't designed to blow up, but it was.

was intended to blow something, someone's almost certainly sticky automatic BJ machine it was later described. So far, police have them caught up with the jerk off, but when they find him, they have every intention of busting the nut. I'll be damned. It was kind of high-tech looking, I got to say. Yeah, you look like you could probably ride that some bitch out on a Saturday night if you had to. It seems a little intimidating, but I suppose there's a dry spell that I could get to where I'd try it out. It looked kind of like a sci-fi bomb, really. Yeah.

It told me that was a bomb, I assume it was. A California man on probation for stealing cars decided the smartest way to handle the next probation. Check-in was to drive another stolen car there. Love it. 35-year-old Joshua Thatch was spotted by police leaving McDonald's behind the wheel of a car that wasn't his. Deputy said Thatch was already on probation for multiple vehicle thefts and grand theft convictions, which suggests he hasn't quite grasped the concept of probation yet. Turns out he was headed there for a scheduled check-in with his probation officer in the stolen car.

A little grand theft. Uh-oh. Thief. He was stopped and taken into custody right in the probation office parking lot, a bold strategy. Not a good one, but a bold one. He's now looking at new charges and presumably a very awkward conversation with his probation officer. This has nothing to do with the story. But I heard something I think...

Is it another joke about William Shakespeare? No, no, no more Shakespeare jokes. I got plenty of Hamlet jokes at some point, but none today. You might want to know this. This was news to me. Glassblowers use three different furnaces to make their glass. One of those furnaces is called a glory hole. Oh, sure.

I feel better having shared that. Ashley, you know stuff. Were you aware of that? I don't know that. That's really cool. That's beautiful. A Shake Shack employee in Scottsdale robbed his own story. at gum point, and showed back up for a shift that never happened.

Acted like it never happened. 33-year-old Kiannre Simmons was arrested in the parking lot of the very restaurant. He at least tried to disguise himself with the robbery, right? Yeah, yeah. It just wasn't, you know, he's got a unique look. It was tough to do. He's accused of holding that place up two days earlier. Court documents said Simmons slipped in through the rear delivery door August 3rd,

armed with a semi-automatic handgun. He forced one of the employees into the walk-in cooler at gunpoint, and then the on-duty manager cracked open the safe and handed over roughly $2,800 in cash. It was a shakedown at the shake shack. Simmons locked both employees in the cooler, then pulled them back out to kneel at gunpoint. He's your people that he worked with every day. Yes, co-workers. You're going to make them kneel at gunpoint. You think you're dead at that point.

Yep. He grabbed their cell phones and something called a landline and then dropped. the whole collection in a sink full of water. Here's the part they gave him away. Both victims told police that the robber's distinctive build, voice, and knowledge of the store. Good Lord. His knowledge of the cooler latch, where the gloves and wipes were kept, the employee's only layout, lined up a little too well with a certain coworker they immediately recognized.

The same coworker, who, by the way, called out sick that morning. Right. What an idiot. Can you be more dumb? It sounds like he's pretty dumb. He was so close, you guys. He was so close to getting away with it. Wait, what happened, guys?

Oh, that's terrifying. Well, we'll probably never find him. No sense looking. Yeah, you know what? Have him, don't go bust him. Have him come in for his next shift and then just beat his ass and then call the cops. They never really had a doubt, did they? They knew it was him.

Oh, they knew. Yeah. And so, you know, again, he comes back a couple days later, like, but nothing happened. We're all trying to find the guy who did this. That's hilarious. A search warrant on Simmons' phone put his device right in the restaurant during the robbery. Oh, the phone thing, yeah. Yeah, that's a common one nowadays.

They just track your phone. They're like, weird, you're at the shake shack that's being robbed at the time. That's when his problem started to multiply. By August 5th, detectives had seen enough. They watched him leave his apartment drive through the Scottsdale Road location, and they made the arrest on site. Simmons showed up to court still in his Shake Shack uniform

which really ties the whole story together. It was kind of his identity, wasn't it? Yeah, it kind of was. After the scary ordeal left the Shake Chack worker shook, he'll be swapping his apron for an orange jumpsuit facing charges of armed robbery

and kidnapping. For $2,800 bucks. Yeah. That's actually a pretty decent haul, I thought. I was surprised it was that much, but... It's not like life-changing enough, though. You know what I mean? Like, if I'm going to put my...

freedom on the line, it's got to be at least like 500,000. Oh, wow. He's really going for it. You're a little bit lower, Dana? Yeah. I do love that he showed back up like nothing happened. That's so crazy to me. If I worked at that shake shack, I wouldn't be able to hold it together for the car.

Or like, you know, like let them do their investigation. I would be laughing the whole time. I'm like, dude, you're screwed. You're so screwed. He didn't bother to disguise his voice. anything. No, nothing. And again, he's like a bigger guy, right?

So he stood out. Sure. Like, we know that's you, bro. Finger looking good showed up with a greasy bucket of felony charges for a Kentucky woman. 33-year-old Nata Roman. She's not a Roman. Was arrested after an incident where she pointed a gun at an employee at a KFC to hurry the FUP. She became angry about how long it was taking to get her.

order in the drive-thru. After exchanging some very non-customer service-friendly words with the staff, the time-crunched fried chicken freak drove around the restaurant to the parking lot. She parked her vehicle, opened the trunk, removed a rifle, and pointed it at the employee in a threatening manner before driving away. She has a rifle? She does, which is kind of cool. I mean... Police identified her using body cam footage from previous traffic stops involving her and her vehicle, as well as a positive ID from the employee during a photo lineup. Again, it was because they were taking too long in the drive-thew. F me.

I usually consider that, or like try to tell myself that maybe that's a good thing when they're taking too long because I'm like, well, maybe they're making fresh food. Yeah. But I'm a logical person. Right. You're not going to threaten an employee over something like that. I don't own them. They're not my servants.

In other disturbing KFC news, KFC and Oreo announced last week. They're going to be selling fried chicken-flavored cookies in China for a limited time. I love fried chicken. I was kind of hoping it was the other way because I might try that, like, Oreo-flavored fried chicken. Oh, like if they just dusted it with some crushed-up Oreo? Yeah, yeah, that sounds appealing.

I bet that's something somewhere. A missing truck payment led to a Florida man choosing to Larp as a Viking. 54-year-old Clifford Duval pulled a tomahawk on two repo workers who came to tow his truck, and things got weird. He wasn't about to let that pickup truck roll away without a fight. Repossession workers had already hooked up the truck and were getting ready to tow it from his home when Duval climbed inside, grabbed a tomahawk, ripped off the sheath, and came straight at him. The workers figured they were staring down certain death, and one has to be one of the strangest weapons pulled in a driveway standoff this year. Deval didn't

deny grabbing the Tomahawk, but he claimed he only wanted to scare both victims into backing off so they couldn't take his vehicle. He's really lucky that those two repo men are the only repo men to exist that don't have like a handgun in their vehicle. I was wondering that too. You hear that, right? A lot of them carry, and it sounds like for good reason, you know, in certain situations, but maybe they did and they just didn't pull their weapons. But they were fearful for their life, they said. The sheriff's office released body camera footage showing the moment deputies took Devalh into custody. So I got out and with that and I said, please, let it down.

Please let it down. I never threatened them. I'd kill them or anything like that. That's a lot. Cops weren't really buying that. They, in fact, didn't buy that at all. Nah. That was like.

Did they pull out a musket just to make things even? Yeah. He now faces two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill. I never said I was going to. I just was showing them. No, no, no. These guys, they got it all wrong. Boy, these guys are sensitive nowadays.

Super sensitive. A Florida Target got a little too much horsepower from a group of kids on e-motos. And the store had the tire marks to prove it. They went racing through the Target store and they were recording it for TikTok. Get the appeal. Yeah, I could have seen that being fun when I was younger. I went to have recorded it. Two kids, ages 12 and 16.

were arrested after leaving a trail of destruction, quote-unquote, in the target. Deputy said the group arrived July 9th. Once inside, the gang commandeered the store's electric mobility scooters, spending the next few minutes crashing into display fixtures on purpose, harassing shoppers, blasting what they called explicit music, and shouting profanities. Explicit music. Staff eventually kicked them out, which should have been the end of it,

it was not. Some of the kids came back. This time they brought their emotos inside. Surveillance footage caught them revving up their rides and driving straight at them through the entrance doors before doing burnouts directly on the carpet. I hadn't heard that. I hadn't heard that by the way. Now they're called e-modos. Yeah, the ones that look more like motorcycles.

Gotcha. No, that's good information because they're all over my neighborhood. I've struggled to define them up until now. So now I'm going to go with e-modos. The spinning tires left massive black streaks across the carpet, heavy skid marks on the concrete outside, and filled the main name. entrance with thick smoke, which baffled buyers who were just trying to purchase paper towels. Yeah, don't be ruining my Target trip. The total damage, $2,500.

Proof that nobody leaves Target without spending significantly more than intended. Yeah. Deputies later sat down with the 12-year-old and 16-year-old alongside their exceptionally thrilled parents. What the hell's a 16-year-old doing, hanging out with a 12-year-old? Maybe they're related. Oh. Twelve. Maybe that's the babysitter, who just lost control.

Yeah, I said, screw it. Let's go. both boys were arrested and charged with felony criminal mischief. You know what, good. Yeah, punish the kids. Sounds like they're going to be punished. Enough of this. I had an interesting experience at Target yesterday.

I was grabbing a cart and I noticed there was some debris, some trash in the bottom of the cart. You know, sometimes people leave a pop can or a food wrapper. I hate that. I take a closer look. It was three empty shooter bottles of 99 banana. So apparently somebody wanted to get a little tipsy while they did their target shopping. Or it could have been an employee trying to get your... the day. Yeah, that's a good point too. Yeah, that whole, the 16-year-old,

years ago, many years ago, a couple of trick-or-treaters came to my door, and I noticed there was quite a difference in size between the two of them. Trick-or-treat, right? And I had to ask, there was two of them. I said, how old are you? And one kid's like, I'm 13. And I said, what about you? I'm 19. And I said, okay-dokey. Yeah, they're getting older than that. Dude, that's awesome. I don't know about 19, but we definitely have, like, seniors in high school come through our area. Well, no, it was more about what's a 19-year-old kid doing with a 13-year-old kid? Siblings, probably.

To me, that just seemed a little. If I would have, like, left your house afterward, that would have, like, I would have been thinking about that for a really long time. What did he mean by that? Oh, yeah. They mean by, okay. They didn't seem like the two brightest kids in the neighborhood, but I don't. When I was a 19-year-old kid, if you saw me walking around town with a 12-year-old, maybe they just showed up at the same time.

I'm trying to think of a situation where it wouldn't be as odd. What are you going to do? Yeah, what can you do? Seriously, get back to me on that. I've got no answers for you. Yeah, I'm a little lost myself. Tonight on Netflix, if you stream it, they will play. The Minnesota Twins and Philadelphia Phillies,

they step out of the cornstalks onto the dine. and the cornfields of Dyersville, Iowa, to play Major League Baseball's Field of Dreams game in the area where the Kevin Costner movie was filmed. 29 years ago, August 13, 1997, Matt Stone and Trey Parker unleashed South Park on an unsuspecting world. And boy did I hate it. Did you really?

I did. Oh, I liked it right away. I couldn't stand that friggin program for the first five or six years, and it was for a very simple and ridiculous reason. I could not understand what Cartman was saying and it drove me crazy. He was more difficult at first. Yeah, and when the old episodes come up,

now I love South Park. I fell in love with it after a while. So good. And I must not have been the only swing and D that was complaining about Cartman because if you notice, his delivery became much more clear as they... Kenny's is starting to become more clear too, and I don't really like that, though. I couldn't stand it. And simply, I was just like, please, how difficult can it be? This character needs to be understood and I can't... I came around to it now.

I mean, I haven't watched it in years, but there was a stretch of time where I loved it. I really loved it. That kind of a thing. And I didn't follow what you said. Yeah, exactly. What about Popeyes. We had a whole weekly promotion when we were the edge. And actually, it even carried over into 93X where we'd go to Gators at the Mall of America and watch South Park as part of a big promotion.

That's the kind of stuff I want to be doing still. Those types of promotions. Yeah, send me somewhere where there's beer and I can watch South Park. Awesome. Yeah, there was a, you know, there was a 10-year window at time where that show was just perfect. Oh, it's huge. It was perfect. Yeah.

It was so funny. Now, I'm totally. Still making a ton of money. I'm detached from it now, but good. So, 97, this was when they debuted the program. Yeah, on this date, 1997. The pilot was created using old school paper cutout stop motion, giving the show its deliberately handmade look and later episodes switched to computer software, which mimicked that style, making production faster.

Even though it's like it still takes a couple weeks now to come out with new episodes. Do you even have a chance, Josh, to try to name your favorite episode of South Park? Oh, that's a good question. There's been so many great ones. Gosh, that's tough. I mean, imagination land was wonderful. I'm just thinking little parts of different ones. Yeah.

Yeah. That Scott Tenerman. Yeah. One was so disturbing. Scott Tenement was all right. Oh, that's got to be my favorite hands down. Yep, I'm glad you brought that one up. There was, of course, I love the one where Costco kind of turned into Game of Thrones.

Does anyone have any levelies of yet? Where Randy Marsh is kind of like defending Costco like it was the Great Wall or whatever in the game. There's so many. Favorite character? How about that? That makes it easier. Favorite character? Well, now it's Randy Marsh.

Sure. But it was Cartman. I think he's always been my favorite character. Has he really? Randy. Once they developed him more, I really started to like him. Oh, God. Now I'm thinking of some old episodes of Mr. Garrison,

toggling back and forth between a man and a woman. That stuff always cracked me up. Buders is pretty great. Butters is great. Oh, yeah, butters is fun. Oh, Dakota Sheriff Deputy Jesus. Here's a good, the World of Warcraft episodes. That's a great one.

Yeah. That's an all time. I don't recall that. Oh, the one with the motorcycles just because that pissed off. off a couple of our co-workers. Oh, I can't believe how worked up they got. Motorcycle, you know, tough guy, bikers being made fun of.

Oh, yeah, there were a couple people that Josh and I used to work with who that just, that, that, that sickened them. And they were big fans of the show. They were disgusted by that. I don't know why they got so offended. Okay, I'm going to go with the Pet Cemetery Butter's episode. At the end of the episode, they push a dead lady in front of them and say, eat, eat.

And he says, can I just get some spaghettios or something? I'm going to go with Pet Cemetery Butters. I don't remember this one. 1978 Trans Am Jesus said the episode where they had a hot teacher, she was a lesbian, and then they all wanted to be lesbians. That was a bit early. I don't remember that one. I don't recalling.

Didn't see that one. Yeah, I didn't see that either. It kind of reminds me of the reboot of Beavis and Butthead, where they're learning in class about puberty and Beavis thing, or excuse me, butthead, no, wait, Beavis, sorry. He gets bit by a raccoon and he gets rabies and he thinks it's puberty. He's basically dying. Oh, man, you've got to watch that. That's so funny.

That was a good one. Sebastian Stan turns 44 today. Base player and chief songwriter for the late 80s, early 90s sensation T-O-A, known for the hit singles Don't Stop, a girl like you and the bomb. Nick's tall and handsome lifelong friend, Dane, turns 55 today. Best of luck to St. Jesus and the wife, hoping to find out tomorrow if she's pregnant. Happy birthday to Da, Dah, Bears, Jesus. And happy 34th to Zelda Master Jesus.

That's 93X News. Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. The sway of the corn, the crack, and the bat. The sun setting over an iconic Iowa backdrop. A tradition cherished by generations. A celebration inspired by a beloved film.

Philadelphia Phillies face off against the Minnesota Twelfth. The field is calling. Yes, Randy Schaber Tonight, it will be the beautiful, magical, mystical, very Iwoe-Egian Field of Dreams baseball game. Boy, they're going to milk the balls off of this one, aren't they?

They're going to overdo it, aren't they? They always do. Most likely, yes. Yeah. Well, I've never been totally crazy about the movie. But I do think this is kind of a cool idea, and I do think it's kind of cool that the twins are involved. Definitely.

Yeah. I mean, it makes a lot of sense geographically for the twins to be one of those teams. I mean, you're not that far away. It's, you know, I'm sure it's a bus ride or a short plane ride or whatever they choose to do. Now, here's the thing. Kind of a pain of the butt when you think about it, though. You go down there, you go all the way down there. You play a game.

Well, all the way down there, though. Philadelphia might have a reason to bitch, I guess. You still have to come all the way back in order. It's not like you stay there for three games. You play just one. That's kind of a pain. They can tough it out there in their 20s. That's true.

Well, now, here's the thing. What if it rains? They don't play. Yeah, do a double-hutter tomorrow. Yeah, I have no idea. Is it supposed to rain? I have no idea with the forecast. Yes.

There's rain in the forecast during the day. But what if that ballpark gets hammered and they're unable to play? Hang around for an extra day? Well, hanging around in Dyersville probably isn't a possible one. I mean, then the Phillies come here after tonight. They take Friday off and then the Phillies come. So, oh, I suppose, yeah, I'm going to. guess they would just gas the idea and just come back to Minneapolis and try it next year.

It says here, if the field of dreams game is postponed due to rain, Major League Baseball moves the game to Friday. Both teams stay and Iowa overnight, and tickets purchased for Thursday remain valid for Friday. Well, there you go. Okay. Oh, there you go. Just for the record tonight starting pitchers, Tage Bradley for the Twins and the Phillies are going to go with, oh, I didn't even write that. Was it Nala? Yeah, Aranola.

Erinola? Yeah. Down there in the middle of nowhere's Iowa. Yep. Some folks get all bricked up over the uniforms. Some folks like to see the throwback uniforms. And so tonight, the twins and Phillies will be wearing old-timey uniforms. The twins will be wearing their home uniforms from 1961 to 1971.

And they wore them a version very similar to them in recent years. It's not going to totally surprise you. seen these uniforms recently. From 2010 to 20 and 18, the twins wore a very similar kind of cream-colored addition to what they'll be wearing tonight. They'll be wearing the hat with the TC logo. The Phillies are thrown it all the way back to the 1931, pardon me, 1939 to 41 era with their uniforms.

Some folks get dialed into that stuff. Sure, yeah. There is a chance we will see Buck play tonight. That would be awesome. we would love to see him back in the mix. I mean, both teams are fighting for a spot in the playoffs. So it's not like the game doesn't mean anything outside of all the, you know, hoop and holler of playing in Iowa in the field of dreams.

I mean, the Phillies are right there as a wildguard team, and the twins are a half game behind Texas. Here's Steele-E-E-Jesus texting in to say, you know what, if it rains, they could just quit being overgrown, overpaid babies and play in the rain. Well, here's the thing, Steele-E-E-Jesus. That's not the player's decision. I'm sure the players and managers would love to just gut it out and play in the rain. It's usually, you know, groundskeepers and people like that.

And Major League Baseball is the one who steps in and says, let's shut it down because they don't want anyone hurt. Right. And I'm guessing the irrigation system in Dyersville, Iowa isn't quite up to snuff the way. that target field. Yeah, I wouldn't think that that's... I have no idea how fancy or schmancy that setup might be. Well, yeah, corn all over the place. They probably got some irrigation running around.

I suppose you're right. Oh, yeah. They probably have irrigation times 10, actually. I forget. It's probably doing pretty well in that regard. I forget it's a legit corn field. So, yeah, I bet they know exactly what they're doing down there. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, though, steel I, Jesus.

I've been to a couple of ball games where I've thought, honest to God, why are we still in a rain delay? or why are we pulling the tarps out at all? They are so careful about that. And again, a lot of it falls on the shoulders of the groundskeepers. They don't want to have a mess on their hands. It sucks. I mean, a number of years ago, this was kind of a notorious game.

Do you remember, well, it was a notorious day. A tornado cut through Minneapolis, and it was very rare. And I think it was year one of Target Field. A tornado cut through Minneapolis, which almost never happens. I'm at the Twins game. The tornado sirens go off and it did begin to pour and then it turned into hail. We were lucky enough that evening to be sitting with an overhang and so we just sat in our chairs and watched this thunderstorm and it was halacious. Hale everywhere. They did not let a single player back on that ball field until every single piece

of hail was picked up off the field. I remember that. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And I thought to myself, come on. But that's how they operate. Well, we could avoid this whole rain situation if they just would have put a roof over the field of dreams field. Where are those anti-roof over the field to dreams folks now? Everybody's doing it. You put some kind of a lid on it. Oh, good question.

Chemical sales, Jesus. Do they do dollar corn cobs tonight? I don't know. They might. They have to. It's too perfect. Gosh, I love corn on the cob. Dollar corn cobs instead of dollar hot dogs would be perfect for the setting.

Dollar cobs. Tanker, Yanker Jesus says it's raining in Iowa right now, so they better get something planned. And it sounds like they do have a plan if it gets rained out. That would be kind of a buzzkill. I'm planning on watching the entirety of the game tonight. What did they use to charge? for the corn on the cob at the fair, Nick.

It was like a quarter? Oh, God, I don't remember. Well, yeah, obviously everything was cheaper back in the day. I don't remember, yeah. But back in the day, when we were kids? Yeah. Oh, gosh. Our folks would get us all jacked up on that five cents

all you could drink milk. Every time you tell that story, I want to puke all over myself. For how much milk we drank? Yeah, it was cheap. Well, that certainly the idea of consuming that much milk sickens me, but also that your parents push that. on you. You know what I mean? When I was a kid, if my folks would ever said, well, we're going to go drink some milk, I would say, look, we're not at home anymore. We're at the frigging fair. Let a kid have a pop for Christ's sake. But you guys would just sit there and chug down. Well, we thought it was cool. She's like, wow, all we can drink? Oh, God. I like milk on my cereal, but a sheep way to get the kids.

You ended up looking like Ron Burgundy on the sidewalk there on a hot summer day drinking milk. Oh, you know what? While we're talking about the fair, I should answer a question we've been getting. So we don't have the time set yet, but we will be at the fair that first Saturday and the second Friday. That's when the whole morning show's planning and going out. First Saturday, second Friday. We'll get the times out there as soon as we have them, but that's the plan. Buy something, get out. Oh, we've got something else to announce in about an hour as well.

We do. We sure do. That's a busy day. Yeah, you know, we'll hang out at the booth there at the state. fair trying to sell as many t-shirts and hats as possible because that money does go into the pockets of the half-ass morning show so buy something and leave us alone perfect day at the fair yep he's so good at customer service I've never seen one dime for we have to pay for our own shirts are you're going to do that bit you're going to pretend like we're not making money off this

that's no bit you like to be that that character I'm not that character. It's just the truth. The Field of Dreams game announcers tonight will be. It's a special occasion, right? It's a special occasion. The Field of Dream game announcers tonight will be Matt Vaz-Jurzian. Am I even coming close to the proper pronouncing?

I wasn't familiar with that. I know the guy. I've seen them for years and years. I just never. Of course, you could make a cute. a genital joke in there somewhere. Matt Vas Jersian along with C.C. Sabathia,

Hunter Pence, and Barry Bonds. What? Wow. And Albert Pujols. Wow. And Anthony Rizzo and Ellie Duncan.

Oh, for pizza. How many people do they meet? They must have some sort of a pre-game post-game show that involves those guys. Lauren Shahati and Kevin Costner. There you go. I was looking up the concession menu for the Field of Dream Games to see if there is, in fact, a dollar a cob. I didn't see anything about that, but they do have two dishes inspired by each city. Can you guess what they pick for the Twin Cities? Okay, two dishes inspired by the Twin Cities.

They're like signature dishes around here. Hot dish. Well, Juicy Lucy. That's a good guess. Juicy is one of them. It's got to be the burger. Yeah. I don't know about you guys.

I get a little tired of the Juicy Lucy a bit. But anyway, and what about from Phil Thedelphia, the cheese steak? They got a cheese. Phil has a cheese steak and a roast pork sandwich. The Twin Cities dishes are the Minnesota Juicy Lucy and buckle up. A wild rice brat worst. Well, that sounds good. Oh, actually, I'd try that.

Yeah. I just made some brots on the grill last night. Okay. You know, we got to do it. It's the field of dreams game. We got to do it. So let's go this way. Let's see here.

Sporting News calls the Field of Dreams the fourth best baseball movie ever made. What do you suppose else might fall into? They actually broke it down to the best 30 baseball movies. I don't have the heart for that. No, there's going to be some reaches there towards the end. We're going to do 10. We're going to do 10. So the methodology here, we went with rotten tomatoes.

I'm not familiar with how that works, but I know you folks referenced Rotten Tomatoes a lot as to how you choose your movies and now and again. Sure. So they did like a point system on how many people loved the movie, this, that, rotten tomatoes, and they added up this and that. So number four was The Field of Dreams. So what else do you suppose is in there in that time?

Well, you know, I love Moneyball is one of my favorite movies. Yep, very good. Where did that one fall into line here? Three. The third best one. Damn. I also really love that movie. Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill are wonderful in the movie, and it is a great story. I thought it was going to be boring. Based on a real, real events, too. You thought it was going to be what, Josh? I thought it was going to be boring, but it was anything but boring. That was very good.

It wasn't boring. It's really, really likable. But what knocked it down a peg for me was after I watched a movie, then I saw an interview with Art Howe, who managed the athletics during the Moneyball era. He sat there and said, well, that never happened, that never happened. This never happened, that never. And then I thought, oh, no. Right. My favorite part of the movie is the Twins won in the end. Yeah, I love, and I have such great memories of that particular game. Closing out the athletics in Oakland.

Every day, Eddie got that last out. Denny, who was it? Was it Hocking? Yeah, I was there. Caught it in Fowled Territory. Perzinski hit that late inning home running. Boo-ya. And kind of gave everyone the finger because A.J.

Prisinski was a douche. And then Denny Hocking got his finger stepped out in the pile. The pile of. Celebration. Then he was out for the ALCS. That was a beautiful ball game. I was watching that at Medina Entertainment Center, Randy, down there in the bar, and we lost our ever-loving minds.

Yeah. That was a great team. Okay. Wild thing. Not Wild thing. Major League. Major League is the fifth best baseball movie, according to sporting news. Obviously, Bull Durham, Kevin Koster.

movie. Never saw it, by the way. Oh, it's really good. There was something about Costner back in those days. I was very picky about what I... Bull Durham, they call it the second. Second best movie. The natural. Naturally. The natural. I love the natural.

Now, that's my favorite. Where is that? Number seven, I thought that was a little bit unkind to the natural. Pick me out a winner, Bobby. Well, the sandlot's got to be in there. That's a classic. Tenth best, never saw it. Bad News Bears, the original.

Number nine. Walter Mathau is absolutely brilliant. You never saw the original Bad News Bears? What? No, I said obviously the original. I've never saw the reboot. Oh, good for you. Neither have I.

League of their own. That's the eighth best. Good one. And we're only missing a couple here, I'll tell you. Number six is 61, the story of Roger Maris. I was going to guess that. Never saw it. I thought it might be too obscure because it was an HBO movie.

You're not going to say rookie of the year? Dana? You know, I pick and choose my spots for that. I was thinking that you're saying Rookie of the Year or Little Big League, which is filmed right here at the Metrodome. Yeah, but you're afraid you get made fun of? Yeah. I was waiting.

Just think, though, if we hadn't torn down the Metro Dome, we could have a yearly Little Big League game. Your mom's plumber, Jesus, texted in and say, what did he say? He texted in. Your mom's. Yeah. He said, why are you guys naming off ASMR sleep videos?

They're all boring. He doesn't like baseball. He doesn't like baseball. Number one, the Pride of the Yankees from 19 and 43. Today, today, today. Never saw it. I consider myself, myself, the luckiest man, man, on the face of the earth, earth. Oh, good one from Scoopy Bucket, Jesus.

Benchwarmers. That's fun. That is a really funny movie. Oh, that is a fun one. I think 42 is a really good movie. Sure. The story of Jackie Robinson. Yep.

I did not follow that one either. I've missed a few of these baseball movies. But that's a pretty good list. Bad news bears, the original F-Me-Running. What a riot. Oh, yeah. Again, my favorite line from the movie was when Walter Mathow was sitting in his convertible drinking beer with Tatum O'Neill, who played Amanda, the girl on the club, the pitcher.

And they know each other somehow beforehand. I forget. Is that his niece or something? I forget, but if you're a bad news, Bears fan, you know what I'm talking about. Somehow Walter Mathau and Tatum O'Neill, they knew each other, and he talks her into joining the team. But she says something, she's like a 12-year-old, right? And she says something along the lines of, I'm going to go on birth control. And Walter Mathau just deadpan looks at her and says, don't ever say that again. I had a crush on her. She's adorable. She's adorable. Yeah, it still is. She's adorable.

Nick, I know you love the man. He ever see Mr. 3,000 with Bernie Mac? Yeah, but I have very vague memories of it. He played an old worn-out first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers, did he not? Yeah, and he retired with 3,000 hits, but then they went back and the three of them got called him to not hit, so then he came back and was trying to get back to 3,000 and learning some lessons along the way. Sure, made some friends.

Now we get into a... I miss Bernie Mac. Yeah, he was hilarious. Oh, he was one of my favorites. his stand-up act was enough to just send me right off the couch. I didn't see a lot of his movies. I didn't watch a lot of his TV shows, but his stand-up act was... Oh, you should watch his TV?

I'm excited you didn't watch it. What was it called again? The Bernie Macs show. Oh, yeah. I think you'd really like that show. People are asking now, does basketball count as a baseball movie? Sure. Yeah, we'll count.

I love basketball. Does naked gun count as a baseball? Yeah, that scene, when he takes over as the home plate umpire, give me a friggin' break. We were dying at the old Excelsior Docks Theater in 1989, dying watching that scene where he is behind the plate. Oh, cripes. Did you guys see the video?

Did you see the video of this golfer in Ohio who got struck by lightning on the stinking golf course? Yeah, if you've missed it, you can see it on 93X.com. 93x.com. Josh and I wish that would have happened to us a couple of afternoons on the golf course. Just get me out of here. This guy, the video is pretty interesting. You know, him and some bros doing the wrong thing in the first place. They spent the day golfing.

Terrible thunderstorm rolls in and they're hiding under a tree. Well, that's a bad idea. And he got whacked by a real, deal full on four alarm bolt of lightning hit him on the arm knocked him across the friggin what do they call it in golf the uh field fair away whatever course that's the word i was looking for course he lived but he did temporarily lose feeling throughout his body he can't hear but it's coming back to him couldn't hear dick for a while he's currently recovering in a hospital

Wow. Yeah. What does it say here? Oh, well, of course, since it is a story that was posted on social media. Like this guy doesn't have enough problems, right? His arm is burned off. He can't hear because he was struck by lightning. People had to attack him for being so stupid on social media for standing under a tree and things like that.

I did wonder to that. You don't need to tell this guy anything, okay? You don't give the guy a break. He knows, I'm sure he's well aware of what he did wrong in the moment. Someone said that, I don't know if this is true. I didn't see this in the video. Somebody said that he was holding an umbrella too. Oh, gosh.

With a key attach. Just holding his nine iron up as high as he can in the air. Yeah, somebody said, holding an umbrella while standing under a tree in a lightning storm is about as bad an idea as jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. He doesn't need to hear your expert takes on... He gets it.

Yes. When that bolt hit his friggin' skin, he didn't... That's the point where he didn't need to hear your take on the situation. But how long once he's out of the hospital is a fair game for his buddies to go after him? That's different. Yeah.

Total strangers, leave him alone. Pals? Free game until the dead. that he dies. Josh, didn't you know somebody who was struck by lightning? Didn't we talk to a listener or something? Yeah, I didn't know him personally, but a listener, yes. Was he at a drive-in theater?

And maybe he was even hit twice. That rings a bell, yeah. Yeah. He was a neat guy. I remember thinking he was great. Years ago when we brought up lightning strikes, I think this guy called in. Yeah.

Yep. And it was a real deal. I think we even looked it up, like he made the newspapers. We were talking about it. Oh, oh. He had text in and said, that's me. And then he called in, yeah. You got to just think to yourself, there's no way this just happened.

Right. And how confused, too. Here's something I bet none of you peckerheads are even aware of, but I'm going to go ahead anyway. Well, that's why I'm going to go ahead anyway, because I don't think you guys are even aware. We have a brand new professional women's volleyball team in town. Yeah, that's cool.

I saw they announced the team name and everything yesterday. The Minnesota Forge, F-O-R-G-E? I'm not sure I follow that. The forge? One of my, I guess I can call it one of my favorite memories of being a little kid was when the Minnesota Monarchs came to our school and they talked to us in gym class. Dude. I thought that's so cool.

We got a professional junior. Finally, somebody talked to you in gym class. I know. I raised, I had a question. I still was picked last, unfortunately. But we thought that was awesome having them. The Monarchs. The Minnesota Monarchs.

Yeah, they had a short run. Let me see how many years. Spike, Cubby was sitting in the bleachers. You thought they were pretty... I'd never seen women that tall. Yeah. Yeah, look up the yistory now. Okay, here's the question.

Who lasted longer? The Minnesota Monarchs or the Minnesota Fighting Pike Arena Football Club? Oh, I went to a pike game when I was a kid. I did too, for one reason. Starting quarterback was who, Randy Shaver? Year one of the Minnesota Fighting Pike. Ricky Foggy? Ricky Foggy.

1987 to 1989, the Minnesota Monarchs. All right, what about the Pikesky? Yeah, the Fighting Pike. Okay, so this is The Minnesota Forge will be part of the MLV That's it, that's where it ends, MLV, Major League Volleyball.

They will start in January. Twelve teams in the league. I used to play a little volleyball over at In Cahootz in Hamill. We played in their Volleyball League, and boy, that was a blast. That was real big for a while. We drank a lot of beer, had a lot of fun playing volleyball over there

in Cahooots. Seemed like in early 2013. thousands. The pike lasted for two years, 95 and 96. So it's a tie. The pike and the monarchs both made it two seasons. Are you sure? That's what Dana just said.

Yeah, because I'm looking like they've got some information on 2012. Or maybe they came back. How long did the swarm stick around, the friggin lacrosse club? They were around for a little stretch. Yeah. 2004 to 2015. Holy balls. Yeah.

That was fun. We went to one game. that was fun. Yeah. How did we feel when we walked out of there? It was one of those things. We were like, wow, that was a great time. I don't think we need to do that again.

But we had a blast. Yeah, we both decided. La Crosh is fun. Once. Yeah, I got nothing bad to say about it. One of my fondest memories of playing volleyball there at In Cahooots. We weren't very good. Specifically, I'm going to go ahead and playing the gals on our club.

They didn't. keep their promise. But there was one gal in our club, Missy. She especially sucked. Just terrible. But she was such a fun person to drink with. You know, we didn't take it too seriously, of course. But she would wear these spandex pants.

And she had a hard time keeping her ass cheeks in those pants. Every once in a while, you know, you get a little trucker butt happening, right, Josh? Yeah. You know, a little trucker butt. She had trouble keeping her. her ass in the but one particular game normally she wasn't much

for effort which is part of why we love Missy so much she would drink a lot of beer and just kind of F off out there but one time she did this dramatic dive for the ball

and I'm talking Cubby her entire ass fell out of the back of the just a whole ass all right don't let anyone tell you that big time young athletes can't also be

incredible nerd You've probably heard about this kid before, says here. Vikings rookie defensive tackle Caleb Banks bought a tarantula and three snakes with his first NFL paycheck. Oh, my. He's one of those guys with the exotic animals in his apartment. Kind of a young man's game. Who's the wild player, the defenseman? Burns.

Yeah. Well, didn't he have a boa constrictor or something like that? He had his basement full of reptiles and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, he was that guy with just glass cases everywhere filled with tarantulas and scorpions and kind of a nerdy thing. This Caleb Banks, he was the number 18 overall pick for the Vikings at this year's drafty draft. He has an exotic pets collection, Josh, which is the sign of a true. Pimp.

It says here, and I wonder if anyone can go ahead with a smart mouth comment, it says here that he already owns two bald pythons. Anyone got any jokes? They're called bald python? That's what it says here. Bald. Did I say it wrong? Bald Python?

I always saw his ball part. Oh, ball. But maybe it is bald. Well, still you could make a joke. Either one. I've been saying it wrong. I thought it was bold. Maybe it is.

Yeah, I always heard ball. And then you go this way. So we got one young NFL rookie who likes to, you know, scare his friends with his tarantulas and ball to pythons and things like that. That's what he bought with his first paycheck. Then there's the other side of the operation. A 21-year-old rookie playing for the Arizona Cardinals, his name is Jeremiah Love. Anyone know what his skill set is? He's running back.

He was one of the top pick in the draft. Oh, he was. The third overall pick, they say here. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So let's say, what do they pay him? He signed a four-year, $53 million contract. $35 million of that money is guaranteed.

His first paycheck? This guy's in trouble. You dumb bastard. Bought his girlfriend a $300,000 Lamborghini. He's getting scolded online for that. What the hell are you doing? Everybody's going after him for that. What are you doing?

That's going to come back to bite him in the, ass. For sure. You know what's going to happen in a few months. He's going to be standing on the sidewalk, and he's going to see that Lamborghini go by, and some other dude's going to be driving it with her in the passenger seat. You're probably right. One of his teammates, probably.

Probably a teammate. Maybe Matt Leinert or something. Bought his girlfriend, a $300,000 car. Come on, man. Maybe he's whipped, you know, pee-wipped. Could be. Yeah. I knew a couple guys.

He would just do about anything, right? Oh, yeah. I know a guy who bought a girl car that he was friends owned by her even. He was hoping that might change things. Now, it wasn't a $300,000 supercar. Still. But he bought her a Jeep Cherokee. And of course, you know, we've all heard stories about pro athletes who go ass broke despite earning millions of dollars because they didn't properly manage.

I'm worried about this kid. He already spent $300 grand on his girlfriend. Yeah. What's this dad on the average NFL career, like three years? for most people. Somewhere's like that, Josh. Yep. God, dang.

I got a feeling Jeremiah Love will be around for a while. Okay, I hope so. He'll need the money. He's a superstar. Do you think he marries this girl? Well, I hope so. I've already invested $300,000.

All right. He's a superstar. He'll be... If things go the way they should, he should be around for a long time. Boy, he's got a great name. Jeremiah Love And that's cool

Usually you can't go wrong Yeah it sounds like a cranky anchors character Yeah Boy I'd feel a lot of pressure If there was a lady who bought me a $300,000 vehicle I better not screw up this relationship Yeah I owe her

I didn't even think about that Yeah he's his uncle Josh His spoony love from up above Oh yeah I know that guy Yeah from cranky anchors yeah All right I don't really know where to go with this

Because I really do like this kid So now I'm not sure what to think. An attorney representing Washington Commodore's quarterback Jaden Daniels has informed Louisiana State University, where Jaden played football. They've informed LSU that they can no longer use his name, image, and likeness. And the center of this dispute is that the LSU Tigers football team are allowing a football player to wear Jaden's old number five. jersey.

What? Man. What are you talking about? Okay, now Daniels wore number five when he won the Heisman trophy three years ago. So now, fast forward, they got a kid on the roster who wants to wear a number five.

They gave it to him. And Jaden and his family are very upset by this. And that's ridiculous. They feel very disrespected. That's ridiculous. Here's a quote from a lawyer. the Daniels family is deeply disappointed and feels profoundly disrespected by LSU's decision to give a player Jaden's number.

Jaden and his family had every reason to believe that his number would remain a meaningful part of his LSU legacy and would be honored and protected in recognition of his extraordinary contributions to the university. Dush, bang. I was drinking. No, it's really kind of funny, though, because he doesn't seem like that kind of a guy. Exactly, Randy. If you've seen interviews with him, he's like a mama's boy. He doesn't.

No, he seems like a, an everyday good kid smiling friendly. Yeah, I don't get that. I wonder if that's more mom and dad or mom or something. Agents, business managers. Yeah, I just. The quote goes on to say they're incredibly discharging. They feel like it's a failure to honor the significance of what Jaden accomplished at Louisiana State University. He believes, or his lawyers, whoever, again, well, let's try not to put the full blame on Jaden like he just said.

Who knows who or what's behind this, but he feels like he's being treated differently than Joe Burra, who quarterbacked LSU years ago. they say no one's worn Joe Burr's number nine jersey since he won the national championship and the Heisman. So why shouldn't Jaden get the same recognition? Which I can sort of understand. Well, if the university retired the number in honor of Joe Burrow. See, did they? I don't think they did.

I don't think they did. No, because there's like a five-year window you have to wait for that to happen. So has Joe Burrow been gone for five years? years from? He has. People are saying it's his mom. His mom is the agent and it's 100% coming from his mom. Yeah.

Oh, that's not good. College sports usually don't retire. I mean, they do retire numbers, but it doesn't happen very often. By the way, Randy Schaber, this is only for the old-timers. This fall, LSU does plan

to retire the former jersey of Bert Jones. Well, did he die? Is Bert Jones dead? I don't think so. Okay, good. Is that number seven? Yes.

Yeah. So anyway, LSU has a policy that an athlete must have completed competition for five years before being nominated for a Jersey retirement. Okay. Or he or she must have demonstrated truly unusual and outstanding accomplishments such as winning a Heisman Trophy or a National Player of the Year. So I don't know really where to go with. this. Yeah. I'm surprised because he just doesn't seem like that kind of guy. Well, like Josh said, our listeners are telling us his mother. We're getting dozens of texts saying they saw her on

quarterback and she's overly involved and she's definitely leading this thing. Yeah. That sucks because again, I think we all like Jaden. What the hell is his name again? Jayden Daniels. I always want to call him Jaden McDaniels because we got one of those playing basketball here and he's wonderful. Anyway, that's the drama going on over there. Bert Jones is alive. I looked him up. I like his look. Thank God. Bert was a...

Throughout the generations, he's got cool looks. He was a cool dude. Yeah. He was a cool friggin' dude. What a stud. All right. Yeah, I love the verbiage in there. Where is it again?

They thought that his number would remain a meaningful part of his LSU legacy and would be honored and protected and recognition. of his extraordinary contribution. He was a good football player. Oh, listen to this. Yes. Jesse said that Jayden's mom is so weird. She interviews the women he dates.

That's right. Remember that. Yeah, that's why I say he's a mama's boy. That does ring a bell, Josh. Yes, she does. I forgot that was him. Can anyone tell a story of where their mother might have, what's the word I'm looking for?

Intervened? Intervened. when you interfered? You know, you were a little too old for mom to step up and anyone? Not really. My folks never stood up for me once, so I can't tell me. So they always thought it must have been my problem or my fault. Josh, your mother, has you ever stepped in where you go, Mom, come on.

I'm a little, I don't need the. The closest, not certainly nothing that dramatic, the closest I can think is for whatever reason, she was on this kick where she thought we needed a minivan. and I was like, Mom, we're good. You know, we don't really need a minivan. And she was livid with me to the point where she left my house because she thought it was being disrespectful that I didn't take her advice to get a minivan. It was the weirdest thing.

Well, I will just remove myself from the conversation then. I can't afford to get a minivan right now. Why was she ready to die on that hill, a minivan? I don't know. I can't explain it. That's the closest thing I can think of. All right, before we get out of here. Oh, see, people are.

People know, again, what our listeners know impresses me day after day. I didn't realize this. It says here, Jaden Daniels only played one year at LSU. He only played one year? That makes a difference in my book. Big difference between a Heisman winner who won the national championship and a guy who played one year. But Daniels did also win the Heisman.

I'm just saying. Oh, he did? Yes. He only played one year. That's not unusual, of course. guys transfer all the time. All right. Well, I'll let it go. I got your bang bros update.

The bang bros, Anthony Edwards and Lamello Balls. Damn, those guys are cool. So cool. The bang bros are not only very generous lovers. I'm sure they are. But also generous teammates. I don't know if you guys were aware of this, but the two of them just paid

for the whole Timberwole roster to fly off to Paris. French for a few practices, but more than anything, for drinking and what not. Tagging in on random young French women. The Bang Bros. paid for the whole team to fly to Paris. That's awesome. Yeah. Which says here that the Bang Bros are trying to create camaraderie with the new guys on the roster,

and they chose Paris as their workout location, in part because Rudy lives there in the offseason, and he knows where the squish is. That's so cool. Damn, those guys are cool. They were running out of Babes in Minnesota. They had to go overseas. Yeah, they've gone through them already. Russell Westbrook is retired from basketball, Randy Schaver.

Yep, 18 years. Man, what a run. He was a great player. He really was. A little squirly, but he was a great player. Yep. All-time leader in triple doubles. Yep.

MVP here and there. Did some wonderful things. Incredible athlete. What did he do here? He set the record for the most points in a triple double. He scored 57 points in a triple double. That's filling in the box score right there. Yep.

Second player in NBA history behind Wilk Chamberlain to post a 20-2020 game. 20 points, 20 rebounds, 20 assists. That's crazy. F me running. He's a great player. The Lynx pissed away a 29-point league. They almost got beat. But they held on for a win over the fire.

They call them the Portland Fire. Yeah, see, I thought NBA players were the only ones who give up 35-point leads and whatnot. Turns out the ladies do it, too. Yeah, they can. But they held on for a win. They won 13 here to last 14 basketball games. All right, Randy Shaver. You're missing the quote of the day.

What is it? J.J. McCarthy. Oh, what did he say? He said that the decision for him not to be the student. starting quarterback was out of my control. Oh, we played that. Hello, everyone. Look, you know, decision was made that was out of my control.

And obviously, every competitor wants to play. But moving forward, it's just about continuing to work hard and just staying ready for when my number's called. Do you think you have a future with the Vikings as a starter? Like I said before, this is a place I want to be. And I love every single person in this building. I love this state. I love the fan base.

And I'm going to continue to just do whatever I can for this team, organization. He'll say the same thing about the Argonauts when he's playing for the Argonauts. Yeah, it kind of sounds that way, doesn't it? It wasn't out of his control. All of that was in his control. All he had to do was play better and it

was in his control. I hear you. I hear you. That's a really good point. I didn't even think about that either. You're right, you did have something he could have done. He had complete control. He's cute like that, isn't he? All he had to do was prove himself. Toronto Argonaut

Here I come. All right, Randy, thank you. You bet. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust Standard Heating. They're fast, reliable, and make it easy.

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Start your day with the morning jolt of Drake Toll. Anywhere in the country. Your home for talking sports. The United States hockey team has four teeth left. What is LeBron James Legacy? Leonel Mess. 906 career goals is stupid. All of it.

The Knicks. The Los Angeles Lakers. Aaron Rogers. Georgia football players. The Dolphins. The Mets. As it happened, when it happened. We'll talk all of it.

Westwood One Sports Talk. Your home for Drake Toll. follow and listen on your favorite platform. It's Dr. Andrea. Here to save you about $5,000 and answer your pet questions. It's Dr. Andrea. On the 93X-Halfast Morning Show. Absolutely.

Oh, you pet owners, we got something for you right now. It's one of our favorite guests, Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital. She's just sitting right here in studio, and she's here to help text us at the telephone number 651-9-893. 93 if and you have a question how you been andrea we're good you know we're we've got some lice again at the house so that's fun that's always something now did that start did that start with the chickens do chickens no it's actually you can't get it from your dog or chicken it's like human specific oh no it's camp it's overnight camp that's what happens they all come home with lice no more overnight camp I made the assumption no more fun no I made the assumption that it must be animal related

No, totally unrelated. The kids came home from camp with friggin' lice. Yep. Yep. You got it. Everyone's got it. Three out of five of us. Oh, no.

And what's the trick for that? It's been so long since. You pay a bajillion dollars. I nitpicked by myself and I was like, this isn't going anywhere. So you go somewhere and you pay. And this place like froze our hair. They like froze the eggs. Oh, wow.

You don't just use the shampoo? So apparently they're resistant to the shampoo now. Oh, that's what we used to you. Yeah, they're like smart now. And I learned that lice carry pheromones, so if you've had it once, they're attracted to you. Oh, no. So they'll come back. That's got to be a little flattering.

Three out of the five members of your family are sitting in chairs getting their skulls frozen to kill the... That's incredible that they have those kind of places now. It is. That's very smart. It's a good market. And it all started from the kids sleeping in little cabins in the middle of... In the middle of Lutzen or nowhere, somewhere. I bet it does cost a bazillion dollars because they know.

you're going to pay it. Oh, for sure. You can't do anything else. I have a vague memory of that sweeping through the household when I was a kid. Oh, it never slept there. My mom would have, if I would have walked through the door with lice, she would have told me to turn right back around and I'm sleeping outside. That's the only thing like that. Well, my wife hates one. Well, it wasn't like our parents said, yes, lice, come on in the house. No, like she's, she has like a, she's got some issues about like lice or fleas. Like that stuff freaks her out.

Well, Josh, did you guys have a problem? Maybe I'm thinking of chicken pox. I don't know. I feel like everybody gets it. Okay. And they like clean hair too. Well, they weren't coming after me when I was a kid. Really?

They like it clean. They're neat freaks, lice are? Yeah. You guys would laugh, though. I went back to work after I had it treated and I had like mineral oil on my head and like a lunch lady cap. So I saw appointments. Oh, really? You went into work?

I had to see my patience. And I just had to explain to people. I'm like, yeah, I got life. You had to wear like a shower cap. You won't get it. Don't worry. All your hair tucked in. Just greasy too because all the oil.

It was like dripping down my face. Oh, no. I mean, you're a very youthful looking lady, so you probably looked like a sixth grader or something. You just have to laugh, right? Otherwise you'll cry. I remember just, I think my mother might have sifted through our hair dues at one point or another. Get the lice comb.

Yep, get the nip-pick. All right. Here's the deal. Again, 651.99-9-933. If you have a question for Dr. Andrea. There's a few people texting in and say, hey, thanks, Dr. Andrew. Now my head's itching. I know. Me too. Me too. I'll say what, when it's come through my house a couple times here as a parent. Oh, it has? Yeah, a couple times. And nothing makes my wife. Like, she'll handle. Mice are the only other thing that bother her.

Yeah, nice are gross. Lice, like enrages her to, you know, to the point where she wants to burn the house down. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, guess who doesn't get made fun of for being bald? during those licenses. I rest easy. Go ahead. You guys deal with it. That's awesome.

And overall, you're as hairless as the day you were born. Yeah, I got no problems whatsoever. Well, the lady told me last night that the lice lady, 86% of moms get it if your kid has it. 3% of dads. Oh, my God. They don't want us. I suppose we're disgusting.

We're probably too filthy. That's hilarious. We're too filthy for them to consider us a host. Yeah. We try the shampoo. If that didn't work, my dad would just shave our heads. Oh man, I'm about to shave my head. Well, you guys know the stories about my grade school bus driver.

But anyway, on the topic of lice, oh, my God, that dude was just crawling with it. And we let him know every morning. Here's a text message from a listener about the kiddie hard scabs all over his little body. Mostly around his neck and tail. No signs of fleas on him or his siblings. Mostly an indoor cat does go outside from, as they say here, Josh. Tam to time. Time to time.

So hard scabs, and a lot of them are around his neck and tail ski. Yeah, so they can get something called eocinophilic plaques, which is like an allergy response. If that cat does go outside, you probably want to make sure you treat it for parasites, like ectoparasites. But the way you need to get it checked out is you have to actually swab the area and put it on a slide and look under the microscope. Might be allergies. All they have to do sometimes is go outside once. they come back in crawling with something. Or abscesses.

Yikes. Yeah. Cat Six Jesus says his cat, whenever she throws up, always does it at the top of the stairs. So I step in it in the morning. Is she intentionally leaving landmines for me? Yes, yes. It's a cat. Is it really?

He sent in a picture. I don't know if that's going to help her now. Oh, cute. She's in like a little suitcase or something like that. A little cooler. I mean, I don't know if it's near where the cat eats and they just vomit there, but cats can be jerks like that. It's funny that we're talking about cats being dicks because I was just actually reading a separate online conversation here prepping for today's show.

People more or less talking about some of the things that their pets do that proves that they're dicks and proves that they're smarter than maybe we give them credit for. Like here's a guy who says my cat unplugs my phone charger at night if I don't feed him early enough. Awesome. Yeah, they're smart. Our dogs are too smart. Well, one of our dogs, he'll knock your phone right out of your hand if you're not pet. and I'm paying up attention. I've warned people before, like, hey, just so you know, if he comes up to pet, you know,

you can chew him away if you want, but if you're holding the phone, he's going to knock it out of your hand. He does that mean Joe Green ball swat kind of a thing. And he's so, I've never said, seen a dog who's so good with his paws. And they're not little either. No. It's very demanding. What are those dogs again you have? Great dames.

Yeah, the great day. Dr. Andrea, is your mom listened to you when you're on the show here? Yeah. Yeah, it's cute. Oh, boy. Oh, she did? Yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, see. See, I suspect. that. Okay, here's the thing. Next time I see your mom, because you know, you have brought your mother to a couple of events. I've met some of your family and they're all wonderful. But next time I see her, I'm going to get on her case now. Because she texted

and said, you know, Dr. Andrea's name is Johnston with a T. She did not. And I wrote back and I said, yes, I'm aware of that. I mean, of course, when I say it quickly. Mom, seriously. Talk to your mother real quick. Will you please? Do you say Johnston? She's so

cute. I love her. This woman, I mean, this woman will rip a raccoon out from underneath the house with her bare hands. She is a top cook. Maybe I don't want to challenge her after. I back off. But yes, when I say it quickly on the air, it might not, I might not emphasize the tea. So yeah, I wrote back, you know, why do you bring it up? I'm aware of that. And she said, ha, I didn't hear the tea. I'm her mother. All right. So I'm going back. She has text before. And so we got to ask these questions from your mom. Oh, oh boy. Here's one. Ask Dr. Andrea. Does she call you that at home? No.

No. That's my favorite part that she's saying, like, Dr. Andrea. That's just so cute. Ask Dr. Andrea about her German short hair, eating her mother's cookies and the aluminum foil while she was in Sweden. You told us that story. Yeah, the dog jumped in the back of the car while she was dropping them off for my nephew, who was watching the dog, and the dog ate them all.

Had to go to the vet, and I wasn't the vet. It was very specific. So we know that's your mom. And then she said, asked Dr. Andrea about saving the police dog from Roseville. Oh, yeah, that was crazy. That was crazy. I was an intern down at the U of M working the night shift on the ER, and a police dog was stabbed 10 times by some guys stealing, like, steal from a Roseville, like, steel yard.

Sure. And the dog chased the people into the woods a mile, and got the guy and the guy stabbed it 10 times. What kind of a friggin' pile of here? Garbage. The police officer carried it a mile from the woods to the car. And I remember being, I was like a baby doctor, right? I was like six months out.

A little shower cap on your head. Yeah, totally. I'm standing at the U of M. U of M. And I get a call like manned out. You know, they treat police dogs like officers. Absolutely. And all of a sudden like 10 cop cars come down Gortner Avenue by the U.

and they just get out of their car and carrying this German shepherd or Belgian Malnois bleeding everywhere. And helicopters were flying above the U because it was like dog, you know, stabbed, police dog. It was pretty scary for a new doctor. And you saved that dog's life. The dog survived. Unfortunately, his spinal cord was lacerated. But he was in a wheelchair for the rest of his life and lived with the officer. And every November, I still get a message from the police.

officer saying, oh great, I'm going to cry. It's a coolest thing I've heard all day. His name was major. And actually, they passed legislation after that incident that the penalty for people that injure police dogs should be similar to what police officers get. Well, I want to make it very clear that I'm thankful that Andrew's mother texted the program this morning or else we never would have heard that story. Yeah.

But off air, tell me your mother's maiden name so when I see her next, I can mispronounce it. Oh, this is a good one. My mom is Spanish. So she's from Miami, if that tells you anything. She's got some sass to her. So her last name, her main name is Julia. So call her Julia. Okay.

Oh, perfect. Hello, Mrs. Julia. Nice to see you again. That's great. I know that you do have family who listen to the show. So we appreciate that a lot. That's funny that you wanted to straighten us out there. Thanks, Mom.

She's always got to correct somebody or something. Mom loves her doctor daughter. She does. Here we go. 651, 989.933 again is the number if you want to talk to Dr. John Stuck. On my seven-year-old female pocket bully. Pocket bully? Well, like a pipple?

Pocket pipple. Maybe this was voice to text. It says here. It's maybe a pipple, but. My seven-year-old female pocket bully has an absentee. on her side that scabs over. It recently popped with a small amount of fluid. What the hell is this?

Yeah, so they can get, like, if they get an injury, sometimes it can become like an autoimmune thing where they're like fat and skin underneath gets inflamed from time to time. So they have to be on chronic meds. You might need to get a biopsy and drained and cultured. Got to see the vet. It sounds uncomfortable for the pocket bully. Pocket bullies are adorable.

They're just little pit bulls. Yeah. Look at how chubby they look because they're so short. So that is the correct term. Your legs are so small. That looks ridiculous. Here's a question about a minpin. I've always wanted a minpin.

Really? They're little land sharks. What do you mean by that? They'll take your fingers off. Oh, will they? A lot of them do. Dude. It's worth it.

They're so cute. I knew a family that had a miniature pincher and that son of a bitch could legitimately climb the walls. Those things are crazy. Number one, it would get the zoomies and you couldn't even track the damn thing. Yeah. And it would get up so much speed that it would climb the damn wall and come back down like Tony Hawk on a skateboard. Yeah, they're crazy.

It was a lovable great little dog, but when that some bitch was running hot, you just kind of braced yourself. So this person says, I bought a rescue three years, three year old minpin. Yeah, she's pretty dope, he said. He's pretty dope. I'm sorry. He tested positive and was treated for heartworm in January. My question is, should I start on heart? guard over the counter and when should I have him for his neck, bring him back for the next check.

So, yeah, if he had heartworm treatment, part of the treatment is having him on heart guard. But that's a prescription. So you got to get that from your vet, but you should start that ASAP. And then they have to be activity restricted for six months after being treated for heartworm and then test it again at six months. So you got to bring him back in for another one of our dogs had that. It's a pain. Yeah. It's a lot of work and very expensive.

He was still, we were going to adopt him. and then they're like, oh, you can't. He's got heart. I had no idea how big a deal it was. But like you said, I mean, they had him in a kennel the whole time. Yeah, they came out to go to the bathroom. They put him back. They don't want those worms to migrate and cause a stroke or an embolism.

Worms. Just like if your heart rate goes up, it can push it around. Yeah. Well, the worms are in the heart, right, and they're migrating. And yeah. Fleas and worms and what were we talking about? Lice. Don't forget that.

They're everywhere. One more question before we take a break, and it has a visual aid. There is a visual aid here for Dr. Andrea. Ashley, would you pass this picture? Yes, sir. Listener sent me a picture. I printed it off. Basset hound with a dark spot on her eyeball.

There's a color version there. Yeah. So that's called a UVL cysts. Basset hounds get them all the time. They're kind of fun because they'll bounce around the eye, like little balls in there. Just have your vet look at it to make sure it's not concerning for like a melanoma. But it looks like a little uvial cyst that just bounces in there.

Yeah, Bassets get them a lot. Like those googly eyes. Look at that dog's innocent little eye. It's really cute. I bet it looks like a puppy almost. It's Dr. Andrea. On the 93X half-ass morning show. Yeah, Dr. Andrew is our guest this morning, taking on all your text questions about your goofy little house pets.

We've got a chicken question. You've mentioned before on the program that you own a few chickens. Have you heard of water belly? Water belly. Yeah, the question is, what causes water belly in chickens? That I am not familiar with. My guess is it might have, like, a retained egg. And that's bad because sometimes that egg can rupture,

and then they get septic and they die. So sometimes, like, I've taken my chickens to the vet and take an x-rays to see if there's an egg stuck in there. You might need to do that. Okay. Okay, that sounds a little scary. Josh, you're at risk. some mornings of growing yourself a water belly.

For how much water I drink? Yeah, you go through a lot. You keep yourself hydrated. I like to stay hydrated. Good for you. Good for you. What you're supposed to do, right? Here's a question for Dr. Andrea, Johnston.

They say somewhat urgent. I believe my dog might be allergic to chicken. Speaking of chickens. Oh, damn. Because he ate some of my cat's food that has chicken in it, and now he's ridiculously itchy to the point of creating hot spots and chewing on fur. Constantly itchy. What can be done about that?

Well, I would say if your dog has a food allergy, a lot of times they have an environmental allergy too. So you have to, like, it's so humid and gross out right now. A lot of that stuff is actually environmental. But you have to not feed them chicken, and it's a good 12 to 16 weeks of no chicken before they can actually show improvement with their allergies. But it could be both what's going on in the air as well as the...

That's a long time. It is. Holy cow. One of our listeners' dogs has resting, pardon me, one of our listeners' cats has resting bitch face. Don't they all? Yes, I say. I love that in cats. Most of them do.

They look at you like they're thinking, you dumb son of a bitch, you. I don't think so. What's that? He sent a picture. She's beautiful. She doesn't look pissed to me at all. I think she looks a little bitchy. You think so?

Here's a listener. Yeah, she does. Oh, okay, I take that back. 100. She's plotting death. Speaking of, I thought she was beautiful. Here's a listener who had a cat.

And then it died. Oh. At 20 years old. And here's the story. Here's the story. They said the cat had kidney disease, but it ultimately died from laryngeal paralysis. And by the way, can you turn the music down a touch? It is a little loud.

It is louder than balls. It is loud. The cat eventually died of laryngeal paralysis. So here's the question. This cat always had a little bit of. a raspy meow. And the owner is wondering if that means it could have been something that the cat

always had. Yeah. I mean, that's not something you see in cats. So basically those folds when you open your mouth, like when you breathe, they close to protect your airway, and then they open when you breathe. And dogs, like Labdores, when they're like, you know, and they're 14 years old, that's what it is.

It doesn't open as well. Okay. And a lot of times it's nerve related. I have never seen it in a cat. So you worry, was there something else like a tumor or a polyp or something back there too. Long life for the kitty. He made it 20 years. Yeah, I mean, 20 years.

That's a long time. That's impressive. Is that average for cats? No. They usually get up into the 14-15, right? Yeah. The more pure bread the cat, the younger they live. Have you ever heard that before?

Same thing with dogs? Yeah, the more pure bread, the shorter life for a pure bread? Oftentimes. I always get them on. Yeah. I mean, that means I'm going to live forever. I'll tell you that right now. This person says, I take my dog swimming every weekend and his ears and feet smell yeasty.

Yeasty. Is there a counteraction thing to do? Medicated shampoo. There's like antifungal shampoos you can get from your vet or online that you can like wash your dog with. Yeah. Just the shampoo. You're good? Yeah.

Just a quick aside here, do you might take a look at a photo from a listener? They want to know if their dog is broken. This is goat trucking Jesus. It's the cute... What kind of dog is that? Oh, it's a French bulldog. Oh. And it's got to look on its face like it...

Oh. Just is watching a scary movie. He's so cute. Is it broken? He wants to know if it's broken. Oh, no. He's just cute. He's just cute.

He's all cuddled up. I thought you were going to say it was my mom. If there are pictures going around, our listening audience of anyone's mother, it's going to be Josh's mother. Just for the record. Your mother, will be just fine.

All right, here's a little bit of a tough one maybe, because the listener is curious about your thoughts on those automatic litter boxes where there's some kind of a robot arm scoops up the thing and then it spits some more litter out. Yeah. Are these things for real or what do you think? They're legit. I mean, for the people that are crazy, neat freaks or don't like to clean the litter box,

you still have to do some work to them, but they work as long as it doesn't scare the cat. Some cats just don't like them and then won't use them. the litter box. But yeah, they work. All right. Next thing you know the cat's pooping in your shoes. Yeah, you don't want that. I know we've got to get going in a couple of minutes,

and I know we have a special announcement we need to get to. But by God, thanks everyone for the text messages. We do try our hardest, don't we, Cubby? We sure do. We try to get to as many as possible. Let's close out with one more. Do you mind if I have one, too? I think it'll be quick.

You go ahead. I just, this one I think would be quick. Aussie puppy. Hyperventilates when it eats. So they got themselves one of those little, you know, mazes or whatever. Yeah. But could it be something? They say it still happens, even though they're slowing the dog's food intake down with one of those little trick pads or whatever.

They say the dog still hyperventilates when it eats. Could this be something more? Yeah, I mean, I would try and raise the feeding. I would try and maybe feed some wet food and meatball set kind of consistency and see if it still does. It? Meatballs? Yeah. I love me.

Sounds wonderful. Otherwise, get the puppy checked out. Make sure there's nothing it was born with. That's weird with its eating. Let them take a look at the puppy. Yeah. We have to put water in our dog's food or else they get too excited and just inhale all of it and then throw up. That sounds fun.

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Yeah, I get it. I definitely understand. All right, then this person says they're meeting with a woman who can no longer take care of her five-year-old boxer. Oh. She said the dog's in good shape. Everything's fine. Is there anything we should ask or any questions you can think of that we should make sure and ask before they get the dog?

They have an eight-year-old boxer who's awesome with other dogs and people, so they're not too worried about that. Good. Yeah, I would make sure those two dogs meet in a very neutral space, not at the house. So one's not territorial. I'd ask if it's good with kids, if it's good with the UPS guy, because that's a big one, Amazon guy. And then I would get the health records and just have them reviewed. make sure there's nothing major. Wonderful.

It's nice of them to take the dog. Yeah, that's so sweet. No, your dog will have a buddy, too. Good family right there. You whooped ass again today, Dr. Andrea. You always do. Thanks. I hope your mother doesn't mind me using that kind of language.

Oh, she loves it. Does she? She should hear her mouth. She's got a mouth on her, does she? I love, but we love making fun of my mom. Sorry, Mom. Well, that's kind of what they're there for after a certain age, right? I know.

When you're a kid, you respect them. When you're an adult, you make fun of them. Yeah, she's a good egg. Do you like binge drinking on a boat, Dr. Andrea? I used to. You used to? Yeah, I'm kind of outgrown that a little bit. We're in the same situation.

We don't have a choice. But despite. We could turn down the binge drinking, yes. It's coming up on another Rock the River event here at 93X. Here we go this fall, Friday, September 18th. latest Rock the River boat party. Friday, September 18th, 7 to 10 p.m. Oh, out there on the Mississippi. Thanks again to Paddleford River Boats in St. Paul, who always hook us up so nicely for this event. $25. Get your ass on the boat. Live music from Rock Brigade, food from the lookout in Maple Grove.

Oh, wow. Oh, that place is good. I went to a wedding there. Josh and I went on a double date there years ago and we scored. Anyway, grab a drink, help us rock the river. The whole gimmick is brought to you by Anytime Bail Bond. So again, our next boat party is Friday, September 18th, 7 to 10. $25 bucks gets you on that pig. Go to 93x.com with all the details. I'm guessing this thing is going to sell out quicker than a hiccup.

Hopefully it'll be a beautiful fall day too. Josh, you can probably check out some of the fall colors. Oh, that'd be so lovely for you. I'll rent a Mazda Miata. And then we can put the top down. We can go look at some fall foliage. That sounds so nice. Thanks everybody, by the way, because if you didn't give a rat's ass,

we wouldn't be doing two of these a year. So it does mean a lot to us that you have an interest in... Absolutely. It's always a blast. Floating around town with this year radio program. And then we got you trapped. We can talk to you for three hours. You ain't going nowhere. You can do about it.

Once we kick our way off the dock, yeah, you're screwed. You are in. some trouble. Shout out to Big Earl, Johnny Bottles, Billy two balls, Todd, Troy, Jeff, and last but not least, Grizz along with Hot Sona Rocks, Jesus. Today, those lucky bastards, it's their Friday. They're headed to Canada for some backcountry fishing. Cool. Happy 44th to Diabetic Bodybuilder Jesus and happy birthday to no more whiskey sheizes from Jinja Ninja Jesus, who said, Nick, this is for you. He wants you to know that she's his soulmate. and his for-always partner in this beautiful journey that they're living together.

It's disgusting. He wanted to make sure you heard that. All of that language was off-putting. 93X. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on to Habs podcasters?

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