93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Friday (Forreal This Time)

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

Originally Aired July 17, 2026: Keep the butt stuff indoors. Trapped in a porta-potty. Everything you wanna know aboutNick's favorite job perks.   Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You folks know how it goes. Sometimes things get squirrely, and you got to make a change of plans. Here's the deal. Welcome to a real live episode of the 93X Half-Ass Morning Show. Welcome to our second Friday of the week. Today's our Friday, you're saying. Some of you're probably expected to hear some kind of a hokey, half-hearted best-of type of an episode this morning. But no, we are live.

If you're not following the words that are coming out of my mouth, this time yesterday, we were jaw-jackin up and down about our half-ass morning show summer concert out there at the new Mystic Lake. Amphitheater. It was scheduled for last night. We were all set to head out that way. You know, enjoy the show, stay out late. And also because of the seniority that Josh and I have here in the building, we were going to take today, smooth off. There's no one that's going to step in our way. Right, Cubby? That's right. After all these years, we were going to take yesterday off. But like a lot of other events, because of that dangerous smoke pile, pouring in to town from Canada, our show got postponed. That surprised me.

I mean, they were canceling. Valley Fair shut down yesterday. I still kind of thought. They shut everything off at Valley Fair? Done. They took the day off. I still thought maybe they'd have it going, but I suppose the singers would worry about what was going to happen to their voices or something.

I don't know who made the final call, but yesterday, early afternoon, we found out that the show was postponed. At that point, we more or less thought, well, F it. We might as well be good. Americans and come to work. Well, it seemed like the right thing to do. So here we are, there you are.

Let's go ahead and get some. Kind of awkward. Just like that situation where you say goodbye at a restaurant and exit, and then all of a sudden you realize you parked right next to each other. Do you mind if we redo something? It's especially awkward because yesterday we played the F.U. Till Monday song thinking yesterday was our Friday. Can we play it today?

Because today makes more sense. Today's our Friday? I don't think we should because, I mean, something might happen and we're coming to work tomorrow. Oh, God, no. case? You want to take a chance and play the F-U till Monday song again. You go right ahead. But what happens if we have to come to work tomorrow?

We'll have to make a new one. Don't take this personal, but I hate that your desk is next to mine. We're the cubicle. I'd consider taking your life. I know we said it yesterday, but seriously this time. Don't call and ruin my weekend. We really do mean it. not friends

after five days straight dealing with your sh-h-ha- This time it's true We wouldn't lie to you about this I hope you get hit by a bus That clears it up So the whole experience was kind of a drag

Really, I mean We were prepping for a day off We were prepping to go out and have a good time At the brand new amphitheater down at Mystic Lake But didn't happen We'll try it again on September 5th. I think I have that correct.

The show was postponed to September 5th. And that's a Saturday. Makes it even better. Is that a Saturday? It's the way it should be done. They even closed down Valley Fair. The smoke seemed to be a little bit better in the afternoon. It was still like terribly hot and disgusting, though.

Yeah, definitely it was, but you could see the neighbor's house by late afternoon. Yeah, uh-huh. Things improved. I guess it was, uh, how do they say it in the business job? It was done out of caution, just in case things got as bad last night as they were on Wednesday night where, like Josh was saying, most of us could barely see across the street. We had the worst air in the world yesterday. The world. The world.

Thank you for this text message from Paradox in a past life Jesus who says, sorry that your show and your party got postponed, but they're glad to have us live on the air. Appreciate that. Yeah, thanks. It was a weird deal. It really was overall, the weird deal. It'll be colder in September. I like that. I would have sweat so much yesterday.

It was very hot. It would have been disgusting. You guys wanted to be near me. I wouldn't have wanted to be near anybody. Even without the smoke, it was awful hot. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, it was kind of a drag, but it wasn't the most heartbreaking experience I've ever had in my life. It works out.

I don't tolerate the heat as well as I used to. So here we are. It happens. and we'll give it another shot in early September. You know, Josh, light of my life over there. We had such a good time a while back when we discussed the old community activities guide. I look at it every time it comes out.

Damn near every town has one. In case you missed our original conversation, oh, I don't know, a couple of months ago or so. Every team has every team. That's not the word. Every town has one of these activities guides. You get that pig in the mail. We learned to nobody's surprise that you, like you just said,

you very thoroughly read through your community activities guide, and you get excited about the thought of joining, oh, this cooking class or that Zumba class. You at least circle a lot of them. Maybe you don't commit yourself to all of them. I've done a couple. You've gotten involved in a couple of, and I was actually taken aback by, when we had the conversation originally, I was taken aback by how many of our listeners get really dialed into activities through their hometown activities guide.

Because sometimes it's things you'd never think of where I'll see, ooh, a glass blowing class. That would be kind of cool to know how to make a bong or something like that. Make yourself a bong. That's how I found the like mom and baby book reading classes. Those are like, I go to those at the library. Dang. Yeah, he's way smarter than like every other baby. So let me just take a guess here.

So you and other young mothers get together in a room and you read to your babies? No, there's somebody. There's like a teacher person that sits in the middle of the room and she reads and they do like fun music and all that cute little stuff and then there's a bunch of toys at the end. Yeah, I love that kind of stuff too. You've gone to a few of those. Yeah, they're fun. And you learned about it through your community activities guide.

Yeah. Adorable. I can't wait until he gets older because there are so many fun little, like outdoor activities for kids. Hell, up until a couple of years ago, I would sweep that thing into the garbage quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. I never took an interest at all. I thought it was the dorkiest thing in the world.

But now I admit, I do sift through it. I remember there was a local. radio guy who is giving like voiceover and how to get into radio tips. Oh, Jesus, that sounds terrible. I'm surprised you didn't go though. That sounds like self-serving crap is what I bet it was. Maybe it was. Everyone, gather around. I'm a radio guy. That's what it sounds like to me. Maybe I'm wrong. But anyway, I do find it interesting just how many different things are available. So recently, Josh, I received the latest activities guide from my hometown in the mail. I highlighted some events and I wanted to run a couple of them by you folks.

I mean, as you know, it's a lot of yoga. It's a lot of workout, this and that. It's a lot of learning how to, like you said, glass blowing, woodworking. I thought about learning how to code or learning how to make spreadsheets. Things like that have kind of interested me. Things I've never even tried to do. Let me run a few of these at you because I, I, I, think they're unique and see what you make of it this is from my hometown's latest community

activities guide oh what did i say here there's a lot of dancing instant ukulele now that sounds cool that does sound cool heck yeah i like how the word instant is used you telling me you can teach me how to play that some bitch instantly i'm interested but how about this one this is the title of an activity you can sign up for in my hometown the documents you need before you pass away oh yeah they had all kinds of estate planning and that's pretty common i'd never heard of that one before never seen that before that's that's i'd circled that before you have where i thought boy i better make sure all my ducks are in a row well let me ask you have you at this point in your life filled out all of that documentation properly? I have. The documentation you need before you pass away. Well, like,

what are they? I'm completely out of the loop on it. Oh, you got your health care directive? Health care directive. You got your will. Oh, health care directive, like, if I end up getting run over by a bus, pull the plug. And you got me on life support, here's what I want you to do and what I do not want you to do. Don't let anyone see my weiner, like that kind of stuff. Weiner. Don't let, keep my underpants on, t-shirt if you can. So far, we've got weiner and underpants. Keep those on. All right, what else?

Okay, health care directive. You got your last will and testament. You've got that all sorted out already. Got that done? What else you got? You know, you have like a document that says, here's where our accounts are, here's passwords and stuff like that.

You get the money. You and I have that clear my browser history. agreement. Yeah. You worked that out ahead of time. Did this? Who takes care of the kids, that kind of thing? Did this kind of thing, did it depress you a little bit to fill that stuff out?

Not really. Or did it seem just like a formality? A formality. All right. That one grabbed me when I was looking at my activities guide. The documents you need before you pass away. I'd like to hang out with that crowd. They know on a party.

We're all going to sit in a circle and we're going to learn. I like this title too. Spanish for fun. I'd love to learn another language. But here's the problem, Josh. Here's the problem. I would like to relearn Spanish. I learned Spanish in ninth grade.

I was actually very good at it. I don't know why. Well, I do know why, and I've explained it to you before. I became one of the top Spanish students in my class. And I was a horrible student otherwise. and at 100% was because I loved the teacher. Day one, I fell in love with the teacher, and so I made an effort. Like romantic love?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not romantic love. I just thought, this guy is cool as balls. I'm going to make an effort for this guy. That's as simple as it was. I've had teachers like that. I get it. Right.

I mean, how sad is it that that was how I approached school back then? On day one, I decided whether I was going to make an effort or not solely based on the teacher. If I thought he was a dick, I go to sleep. If I like the guy or gal, I make an effort at least a temporary one. So I'd like to relearn Spanish again. But this is titled Spanish for Fun, Josh. I want to relearn Spanish to hurt people. Well, like, how would you hurt people?

I don't know. I want Spanish for evil. Not Spanish for fun. How do I get more creative with my caps when I would want to own someone? Yeah, yeah. Somebody come up with an activity called Spanish for evil, and I'm there. You do keep telling me I'm getting a tad, gordo, if that's the correct word. That means fat? Gordo.

Gordo. Here's something called butts and guts. And some of these might be thinking, is this a tutorial on how to get used to people from Wisconsin? No, it's a workout thing. It's an exercise thing. they'll try to get your ass and your abs in shape. But I like the title, Butts and Guts. I noticed there was a lot of swimming in ours.

Lots of swimming. Oh, yeah. Yeah, various strokes and things like that. Dude, the chapter on aquatics, is how they put it in the guide, is maybe the biggest chapter in the whole book. Everybody goes swimming at some point or another. There's a few people texting in and they're interested in the Spanish class. I would be too.

I mean, that's probably the language that would make the most sense to learn. tell me if I'm right I went to a restaurant a couple weeks ago called L Super Taco Does that mean the Super Taco Keep in mind I have never taken Spanish Sure does I'll go along with it

But again that was a long time ago Ninth grade And finally the other activity That kind of grabbed me How to be a grandparent Oh I guess I wouldn't know Seems like maybe you just give it a shot

I know I think it just comes naturally It's different than back in the day Back in the day You'd have some sort of hard-wrapped candy You mail a check for five bucks for every birthday. But today, I don't know how you do that. Yeah.

You would think it comes naturally. But I guess not for everybody, because there is a class you can sign up with where you'll learn how to be a grandparent. If I base it on my own grandpa, you yell at people all the time for things that aren't their fault. You're demeaning. Always in a bad mood. I mean... My grandmas were great. I wouldn't have any idea how to handle children.

Well, I think the first step has become a parent. Well, see, here's the thing, though. Yes, you learn. That took me a second, but you're right. You're right. You would think that... Step one. You would think that by the time you become a grandparent,

you've already raised your own family, you know everything there is to know about children and how to deal with children. Everything changes. I found a loophole. What's that? Maybe you marry a lady. You've never had a kid.

I never thought about that. You get remarried, probably remarried a grandfather age and she's got grandchildren. Right. Suck it, Dana. Dang it. Foiled again. I never thought about that.

What I was thinking about, Josh, was there are certainly quite a few parents out there who just really didn't get terribly involved in their children's lives. Like, say, I'm picturing that kind of tough guy dad who left everything to mom, right? All the responsibilities of raising the children, he left them up to his wife. And then the guy softens up a little bit with age. He becomes a grandpa. He wants to get involved, and he has no friggin' idea how. Boy, you're right as far as softening up.

My dad, that's how he, my dad was difficult, you know. I loved him, obviously. One of the smartest guys ever knew, but always in a bad mood. He was, I mean, like, you couldn't get away with anything. He was all over me. But when he became a grandparent, different guy to the point where my wife and my kids don't believe the stories me and my brother would tell. They just don't believe he was ever.

that type of guy. I love that. I know a guy. I mean, this is what came to mind, you know, if you have to learn to be a grandparent, boy, you must have been one hard-ass parent. And, you know, I know a guy who came from a large family, so large that, you know, he's had older siblings now pass away. You know, he's, he's 60, this guy. So he's had his older siblings. Some of them are long dead. And I ask him, I'm very curious. You know, I often take an interest in really big families and that dynamic. Like, how did that work out?

Jesus, you know, your seven years old and your oldest sibling is 41? Like, how the hell did that? I asked him about his older siblings. Like, what was that like having a brother 20 years older and a sister, 25 years old? And he says, you know, I never really knew him. Sure. They up and die. I go to their service because that's my brother or sister.

But he says, by the time I was, I even knew. knew what the hell was going on. They were married, you know, and had their own. So he said his dad was the kind of guy that woke up in the morning, went to work, came home, sat in front of the TV, didn't say much to anybody. He was a tough guy. Everything went through mom. And, you know, when his dad died, he admitted. He said, I never really knew the guy, other than the fact that he was my old man. So that, I guess, when you consider that type of a family, maybe some, some bitches need to learn how to be your grandparents. Yeah, it makes sense, I guess. Those wide age ranges. Have you ever met? This blew my mind. There was a kid I went to middle

school with who was younger than his nephew. Oh, yeah. By four years. How is that possible? How does that even work? Oh, yeah. We have that, like, weird thing in my family. Yeah, I bet you do. You have it in your family? Yeah, like, I'm 10 days. older than, or no, my niece is 10 days older than me. Yeah. And then, like, I'm already a great aunt. It's very weird. It's just a weird, weird situation.

A great aunt? It's a great aunt, Ashley. I was born an aunt. That's so strange to me. Right. I'm a subpar uncle. I mean, I'm our right. We have that dynamic in my family.

I like it, though. It's weird. Not my immediate family, but, you know, I've told you before, one of my mother's sisters, one of my aunts, had 14 children. at this point the oldest would be I don't know 65 or something and the youngest would be 35, 40? So yes

babies are born and they're instantly aunts or great uncles or something yeah I mean that's Yeah that blew my mind the first time I heard that Oh yeah when I could not figure that out When I was a young kid and my mother explained that to me You know your cousin Paul?

Yeah well when he was born, he was already an uncle because he's 11 years younger than it. It's still hard to wrap my head around, but yeah. I was raised by my niece. That's my story. Here, I got it right here. How to be a grandparent. This training is to prepare grandparents to safely care for infants and children.

Ah, okay. While following the latest recommendations by doctors and scientists. Okay, I suppose that stuff makes sense. You're kind of out of practice by the time you become a grandparent probably. Sure. The way to care for a child today is very different than how you cared for a child in 1961. I get a lot of that sentence. That's how we used to do it.

Well, things are different. They do it safer now. Thank you. Yeah, we used to rub some whiskey on their gums and it was fine. That's all you get them to sleep. Yeah. There you go. Was there anything that interested you?

I mean, you're looking through that thing. Was there something really? Besides the Spanish thing, is there anything else? Spanish for fun sounds good if they can just tweak the title and turn it into Spanish for evil I'm in. Was there anything that sounded fun? I mean, the ukulele thing, brought. Okay, were you serious about that? I would absolutely love to learn how to play some form of guitar.

I've tried the six string. It ain't going to work. So a ukulele or a what was happening right there? I asked you if there's anything else on that word. you were surprised like, boy, I'd be interested in that. You tensed up there like you wanted to say something. Oh, I shouldn't do this. Okay, I'm going to, I got you a ukulele for Christmas.

I can bring it on Monday. I ruined it. No way. No, you did not. I did. I already got your birthday and Christmas present and you're, I swear to God, okay. Your Christmas present.

You know, my wife's not working. I should see if she'd drive it in right now. You couldn't hold it. You had to tell me this? I'll tell you because when's this ever going to come up again? You said you tensed up. It played out perfectly. You asked me if I was interested in any of this,

and I said I am interested in the ukulele. That was too much for you to take. He was over there biting his lower lip. He started to tremble a little bit because, well, that's very nice of you, Josh. I'm sorry that, you know, I know you really love gift giving, and I'm sorry if this has ruined your Christmas surprise for me somehow. you get as much joy out of giving gifts as folks get receiving them from you.

So I'm sorry if this was spoiled, but I mean, wow, thank you. Bring it in on Monday morning. I will, I promise you I'll make an effort because I've always wanted to play some style of guitar. What I was going to say is the other form of guitar that I thought maybe I could handle. But when I look them up on the internet, they look very expensive now. Is those box guitars with only three or four strings? on them? Sure.

Maybe I could... That's wonderful. You just have to promise me one thing. What? You don't get me something else for Christmas now that this one has been given in June. Oh, I was just going to say, I'm kind of struck about that. Yeah, I kind of want to ruin your birthday present, too, so I could get you something else for your birthday. That's immediately what I thought is, oh, you're probably happy.

You're going to buy him another gift. Psycho. You do whatever you got to do, Josh, to make you happy. But I would prefer if, now that I'm... already receiving my Christmas gift. I would prefer that you do not get me another. What about like a gift card? I get you a gift card? To the ukulele.

Oh, I get you a ukulele? To ukulele world? Yeah. Sure. Well, that's incredible. I just messaged Ashley your birthday present. Now I can't wait for your birthday. We're getting there. It's a great idea. She's trembling. She can't wait to tell me. What is it? I want to tell you so bad. No. I want to know if this is in your little brochure as well. This gift would be appropriate for that. That'd be awesome.

The ukulele would be, I'll give it my best. People are texting. That's perfect that that came up. Unbelievable. It's cosmic. People are asking me, whatever happened to my little drum machine. Well, I still have the drum machine.

I just haven't brought it into the building in a while. I thought maybe I'd worn that pig out. But people are saying, you know, on the topic of instruments, where's your drum machine? I can bring it in again. But now I think now with this revelation, when I have some downtime here on the radio show,

you're probably going to hear me play the ukulele before you hear me play the drum machine. What was that, what was that frigging song, that famous ukulele song? Tiptoe through the tulips? Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I was just trying to put that together. Tiny Tim and tiptoe through the tulips.

Is that the smoke on the water for ukulele rookies? I wonder. Because when you first start playing a six-string guitar, the first song they teach everybody is smoke on the water. I wonder if tiptoe through the tulips is that tune for ukulele players. I guess I'll find out. I remember first picking up a guitar, and I think that was the first song I tried.

That's what I did. Smoke on the water. And when afterwards did you think, I'm kind of a virtuoso. I can't believe I picked that up immediately. No, because Josh, I struggled with smoke on the water. Did you?

Yes. After that, I realized this is way difficult outside of that song. Burr, bur, bur, bur, bur, bur. But I went, Josh, I went my first time. Burr, bur, bur. And I knew it was trouble right from the get-go. I did take one night of guitar lessons. You know that when I was a 10th grader.

Yeah. When my buddies started, we formed that high school rock band. You had a buddy that was really good, right? Unbelievable. Could have gone to L.A. And he could be touring on that G-3 tour right now. friggin' good the guy was. But when my buddies took an interest in guitar

and we thought we'd start a rock band, I said, well, I'd love to be a guitar player. I'll go with you guys to these lessons. And so lesson number one, they sat us down. They taught us smoke on the water. And it was obvious that I'll try the drums. I couldn't even friggin' master smoke on the water. You could figure it.

All right, so Monday morning, could get ugly around here. Bac... Is there a... I imagine I could look online. You have songbooks. I know this because some of them I borrowed from you when I tried to learn to play the six-string guitar. I'm guessing there's got to be a songbook out there somewhere on the internet.

Like ukulele songs for beginners? Yeah, I'm sure. You know, now on YouTube, you could figure it out. Oh, I could watch a video on YouTube. Yeah. There you go. I'm sure there's plenty out there. This is very exciting.

Box toss and Jesus brings up a good point. Did you just give Nick his Christmas present in July? Yeah, it's Christmas in July. It's a beautiful thing. That's just awesome. It's too much. My wife's going to be pissed. Well, she has to understand.

It was going to be for Christmas. She'd be okay with that. I do text her every once in a while. Can I buy? The most recent one I sent there was, Hey, I'm at Sam's Club. Do you mind if I buy Nick a giant thing, a mixed nuts? You cool with that?

She's like, well, I guess so. If you don't get it, my wife is mad at Josh because he's too kind to me and she feels I don't deserve it and then she's mad at me because I don't reciprocate but I don't want you to so that makes it so you're doing the perfect thing every once in a while I catch my wife sending a text to Josh

and she texts stop giving him things he's a dick he never gives you anything back so she's mad at both of us in a way over this gift-giving drama that we have between us. And I respect her enough to ask. Is it okay if I do this? You do. I can't.

I'm speechless on the top from here on out on the subject because I think that's just too kind of you. I can't wait. I was thinking that you'd probably enjoy something like that. Listeners are reminding me of my skill set on butt bongos. Yeah, it's been a while. That was good. But I was good.

I'm glad we videotaped that. damn good. And in today's climate, I'm glad they took that off the internet. At least I think they did. Maybe I could create a jingle for Hogbauer automotive with my ukulele. I suppose a banjo would be more fitting for the folks over there, but maybe...

Maybe they'd accept a ukulele tune. I'd like to learn how to play the banjo. I can't remember if I said that out loud, but I thought it a few minutes ago. Oh, dude, no, I don't think you said it out loud. I've also always been really interested in that, But it looks... I've heard it's difficult.

It looks so difficult. If I can't even come up with smoke on the water with a six-string guitar, there's no way I can... ukulele might be my only chance. Sometimes, like, if you guys ever... Oh, you went to an orchestra not too long ago, Nick? I did. Was there a violinist?

That's all it was. Oh, okay. Okay, stupid question then. But they... You watch some of them play, and I think they... I bet they could shred. I bet they could play some... Any kind of heavy metal that's out there if they wanted to.

Well, see, that's what I went to see. and I can't remember the name of this act, but it's for, at least this version of the group. From what I understand, there's dozens of them, and they split off into smaller groups and they go town to town, and they play heavy metal, thrash metal, pop, rap, whatever you want, they play those songs with string instruments. So what I went to see was four violinists, and they played, I believe it was all the music of Queen. Very cool. It was really. Is that the ones with like all the candles?

Yes. Candles was part of it. It was like the candlelight showdown or something. You got it, Ashley. And it was really cool. I mean, I'd never seen. I bet the arrangements were really cool, too. Yeah.

And shredding, absolutely. They were taking Brian May. guitar solos and fingering them on the violin. So absolutely, I mean, it was really cool. I thought I would be bored to death and I was on the edge of my F and seat. I'm a big Queen fan. Maybe if they were sitting down and playing the hits, well, I guess I know for sure. If they were sitting there and playing the hits of Oasis, I would have gone to sleep quite quickly. The Hits of Voice. But, you know, Queen, I was, I was all in on that gimmick. So, well, what, I can't believe we've, we got to where we got this morning.

Yeah. The biggest piece of information you need to take away from this conversation is come Monday. I'm going to aggravate every one of you by playing my ukulele, poorly, very poorly at first. You pick it up instantly. We'll see. Here's a vaunt. And you go on tour with Creed. I would love the tour with Creed.

I would love the tour with Creed. There's no question about it. All right, let's get going. You're a terrific crowd. Today is, we think, for real, going to be our Friday. We swear. We thought it was going to be yesterday. It switched over today.

Randy Shaver will be here. Christ Almighty. We'll try to squeeze in as many laughs as we can. We'll be right back on the half-ass morning show. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on, Habs podcasters?

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I'm going to learn how to play that tune on the ukulele. Oh, you should. Is there a distortion pedal for a ukulele? I'm going to find out. If you just tuning into the program ski, maybe you missed it. We got to talking about those goofy community activities calendars. Again, we got to talking about those again. And I was telling Josh about some activities that anyone can sign up for.

I got my neighborhood community activities calendar a day or two ago in the mail. So I was telling Josh about these different fangs. And there was a class in there for learning how to play the damn ukulele. I expressed an interest in such a thing. And Cubby busted a spring. He couldn't hold it in any longer. He upped and told me that he has already purchased a ukulele for me for Christmas. There's a long time to sit on to be very, very excited.

to give. How long ago did you buy it? A month ago or certainly a few weeks ago? Unbelievable. Have you given it a shot yourself at all? No, I couldn't do that. It's still in the cardboard box it came in. So he says he's going to give it to me Monday. Prepare for the worst people because I'm very

excited about this and I'm probably going to try to learn on air a few times and you're going to want to throw your radio into a river. You know what? We don't even know how to tune it. I don't even know how you could. I'll have to look that up. I've got information already, John. Oh, you did. I do. I do. I mean, I hope I've made it clear, Josh, how much I appreciate all this.

I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to try and play that damn thing as best I can. Hilarious that you couldn't wait and you had to tell me today. I got some text messages here. So, yeah, how do I learn it? Are there books out there I can purchase? Josh recommended he's sure I could go on YouTube and find somebody. to teach me how to play the ukulele. I got this text message now. What's this?

From machine cartoonist Jesus. He said, when I get that pig in hand, look up. Bernadette teaches music on YouTube. He recommends Bernadette for my ukulele lessons, and he adds this, Wawa Wewa. Oh. You'll thank me later.

He said, Bernadette almost ended his marriage. When he was learning. how to play instruments through her on YouTube. I did look her up, and I'll echo that Wawa and the Wewa. Oh, yeah, I'm looking at her. Oh, you are my sunshine is one of the lessons. You could learn that one. Oh, you can sing that to Josh.

I love that song. I've seen it every day. Everybody loves that song. Who do you seen it, too? Mike Child. Oh, my God. My wife sings that to her pets. I used to sing it to the dogs.

I bet they're jealous Yeah, they got usurped. I'm used to sing that to us. You old diaper bastard bastard. Bernadette will teach me how to tune a ukulele as well, Judge. Oh, good. Yes. Yeah, I would have no idea.

That's important. One of our listeners has already sent me the ukulele sheet music for one by Metallica. It looks very complicated. I don't know how to read music at all. Did you print it? No, I can find it for you. I can find it for. I imagine it's tablature.

I don't know what that means. Like the numbers, it shows you, like, basically there's lines with numbers on them that would indicate the string. Well, it looks, there are notes. Oh, yeah. There are musical notes. I'd have to read music. I'd have to read music. I'll try to find it for you before it's all said and done. So we also got to talking about guitar lessons.

I took guitar lessons as a kid. I lasted one lesson, and it was obvious that this wasn't, was not for me. Josh took guitar lessons. He became a professional player. We mentioned that, and I thought it was universal, when you sat down to learn the guitar from a teacher. They all teach you smoke on the water by Deep Purple is always the very first song that they teach you.

Here's a listener who says, when he first started playing, the first song they taught me was Hot Cross Buns. I learned that on the record. Yeah, that's what we learned in the recorder. Yeah, exactly. He says, my guitar teacher, the first song he taught me, he feels ripped off. He wished it would have been smoke on the water.

First song they taught me was stupid effing hot cross buns. Yeah, you got to teach something the kid thinks is cool, you know, keeps them motivated. Like, wow, I know smoke on the water. Maybe that's changed. I mean, when I sat down to take a lesson, it was 1986. That's a long time ago. Maybe it'd be like a Green Day song or something. Something punk and easy and power accordy.

Maybe it's advanced beyond smoke on the... Gosh, at this point, I probably aged myself even saying Green Day. Who knows? That's okay. Back to these community activities calendars that almost every one of you. Almost every one of you gets that in the mail. A question here from offended millennial Jesus. He wants to know in Wisetta where I'm from.

And that's the calendar that I get. I get the WISTA. offended millennial Jesus wants to know in Wizzetta, is there a class on how to interact with lesser North Metro or South Metro citizens? Oh, yeah. There should be. Yeah, like how to hide the disdain on your face. To disgust, the disdain.

There should be. Try to talk to them about regular things like, you know, cars that aren't range rovers and stuff like that. Yeah, I often ask myself, or I often find myself asking North Metro and South Metro people. I asked them, what do you mean you ain't got a slip? How do you pronounce that vehicle? Chevy? Is that what it is? A chevrolet?

How do you say that? And finally, before we move on to the Stupid News Report, we're here today. We didn't think we would be. We're taking a crack at our second Friday of the week. We thought that we'd have today off. That was our plan. We were going to head out last night to the half-ass morning.

show Summer Bash out there at Mystic Lake Amphitheater. We were going to stay out too late and then take today off. Well, the smoke and the heat and the this and the that caused a lot of outdoor activities to be canceled yesterday, including our Half Fast Morning Show, Summer Bash Show with the Creed and the Bush. It's been postponed to September 5th. So here we are. Maybe you didn't expect to hear us.

We're happy to be here. How lucky are we? Two Fridays in one week. Never happened to me before. Does that mean we get paid twice? I don't think so. I think it would be just the regular, regular pay. On the topic of the heat and the smoke, Fat Lobowski texted in.

He thinks he's special. He wants a shout-out. No, I'm kidding. He said, how about a shout-out for the HVAC people this week? Well, I'll turn this into a shout-out for any swinging D or V that has had to spend any time working out of doors this week. Boy, you're not kidding. By Monday, Tuesday, it's supposed to be much better, but this has been miserable.

It's been effing miserable. So Fat Lobowski says, shout out to the H-back people. He says it's been hot as F this week. And he said, also consider this, all that smoke hits differently when you burn 30 cigarettes a day, he said. Yeah. I mean, you've been training for this? Yeah. 30 lung darts, he says.

Yeah, still bad. Boy, H-BAC people, they saved my butt. I can't even imagine not having air conditioning anymore. I mean, we both grew up without it. I never want to go back. The last couple weeks? I hate air conditioning, but that's a totally different story. You don't need to hear that for me, not again.

I bet you appreciate it now. It's got to be one or two weeks a year you appreciate it. I don't know. I think I still hate it. A listener is texted in to say, corporate radio doesn't always win. No, we lost yesterday. We took a rare L.

This time corporate radio has lost to Mother Nature. You're right. You can't beat Mother Nature. Back to my ukulele. People are recommending maybe, Josh, if you would join me, that maybe the two of us could form a ukulele only kiss cover band. That'd be kind of fun. That sounds like a riot.

Yeah. I would support you guys. Would you really? I'd sell t-shirts for you or whatever. Would you go to one show? Yeah, at least one. I'd support you guys. Just one show probably, right?

Ah, yes. What will be next to you? name are. Yeah, you'd be the guy to ask. You know, you know way more about kiss than most people. How about we named the band Kiss Toe Through the Tulips? That's cool. Two lips, kiss. There's something there. There's something there we could work with. Two lips, kiss, ukule. I wonder if maybe online you could find a kiss song or two on ukulele. We could play this morning. I don't know. I bet I could. Yeah. They weren't the most complex act on earth musically.

They could be. I mean, Bruce Culick. He's pretty good. He had some things. I mean, Ace Freilly, obviously. Bruce Kulik especially. All right. Kiss, ukulele. Wouldn't that be something?

Anything but rock and roll all night. That's my only, what's the word I'm looking for? That's my only condition. There's a lot of Prince, Kiss. Yeah, we don't need that. We don't need it. Oh, here we go.

Okay, this is, I'm not to sit through a commercial. I cheaped out. I no longer pay for the no commercial version of. Loser. I know. It's kind of expensive. What happened? It is.

And they keep raising it, but they know I'm not going to cancel it. I was made for loving you? Yep. Oh, this guy's going to sing it too? Yes. Nick, there's tab on here to teach you how to play it. It's on, dude. It's frigging on.

I'm going to send you this. Maybe you can learn this. Tonight. I want to lay it at your feet. So much. I wanted to. This guy's good. Yeah, I like him.

He's a raw talent. Someone's asking us to learn how to play Holy Wars on the ukulele. We're moving away from Kiss. Now we're moving on to Megadeth. That's a pretty steep jump. Yeah, I think it's going to be tough to play most Megadeth songs. I don't know if we can play Holy Wars. Holy Wars on the...

That's a... My hands would fall off. Looks difficult. All right. What an exciting day. tune in Monday for my first crack at the ukulele live on the radio. All right, here's what I have for you. The final episode of our stupid news report for this week.

And you know what, Cubby, I got to tell you about something that happened to me yesterday. We do spend an unhealthy amount of time every week sifting through and reading and editing these terrible, disgusting, disturbing stories. in order to use them for show material. We read so much vile material every week. I believe we've developed the tolerance, or maybe you might say we've become desensitized. But Josh, have you noticed that every once in a while?

This is what happened to me yesterday. Every once in a while, when you're reading through a story, it suddenly hits you, it overwhelms you and you just want to lay down on the floor and puke. Oh, there's been time. Sometimes just reading a headline. You guys have heard me before. I'm reading the headline.

I'm like, oh, God. Oh, jeez. It's like you've hit your limit. You just can't take anymore. That's what happened to me yesterday. There was a sudden feeling of just pure disgust where I had to take a break. I couldn't read one more word. I'm good to go now.

I needed to walk away for a minute and kind of hit the reset button, so to speak. I'm excited now. Well, no, see, that's the thing. Don't get too excited. Oh. Because this story is no worse than most of what we cover in our stupid. News Report. It's just I hit a limit. Do you understand what I mean by that? Yeah, your breaking point. Yeah, hit my breaking point. It hit me yesterday when I was reading through and editing our

first story for today. No worse than any of the others, but I hit a breaking point. So here you go. You folks listen every day. You hear all these vile stories. Maybe I can cause someone else to give way. Right from the get go, it didn't help my situation yesterday when I read that the story came from the sickening far southeastern United States, just the absolute worst area imaginable. What happened is this. A 44-year-old man is off to jail now. He got caught hanging around outside an apartment complex

at 2 o'clock in the Godforsaken a.m. He got caught hanging around outdoors, and he was stuffing a sex toy up his can. Yeah, my anus is off limits. I don't understand that. Indores or out. Doesn't matter where I am. Doesn't matter what part of the country I'm in.

Nothing. So, yeah, there was something about reading that information combining with all the others where I finally said, Good Lord. That's an indoor activity, by the way. Yeah, but stuff does not happen outside. Every person's got to have a code, and that's Ashley's. She's right.

Well, it does in Jamaica. But so, dude is outside. 2 o'clock in the morning. I mean, isn't that just effing repulsive? That's pretty gross. It's a terrible thing to walk up on. And it's sad that we've become desensitized to something like that.

How sad? Yeah, that is sad because I'm like, oh, whatever, another dude putting something in his butt. How did we become so effing disgusting around here? The late night outdoor, dry, anal sex toy guy. He goes by the name of John. Nemeth. Nemeth is the last name, says here.

His closest pals call him Nemo, which is cute. Nemo is in jail now. It's not going to have any close pals anymore, hopefully. I don't think he's going to have any more pals. He'll find some like-minded people in jail. Yeah, maybe. I mean, I was thinking about it. I would be very disappointed in a friend. I don't know if I'd abandoned the friendship.

If this was an isolated incident. I would have to abandon the friendship. But I would hope they'd feel enough remorse where they realize, yeah, that is something I should have done in the privacy of my own home. Well, here's what, Nemo. And not dry. Nick mentioned it was dry. Don't do it dry. That seems dangerous, doesn't it? Sounds like a man who knows from experience. Well, no, I just think about these things. Nemo. What else on this guy?

Yeah, he probably shouldn't be overly concerned about his friends. he's got bigger problems because Nemo John he has two young children yeah you don't want to know that about a parent but it's very likely that his kids have known he's a sick lunatic for quite a while already his kids most likely knew he was

a disgusting person long before he publicly cornhold himself the other night, court records say that Nemo has already spent more than a decade of his life in the state penitentiary for this and that. Gosh, that would suck. I'd rather have my parent go away for some sort of crime, like embezzling from a church, as awful as that would be. Not that kind of thing.

Yeah, that was the one, though. Interesting, that that was the story that made me kind of push everything aside and say, I need a friggin' break from this. Well, sometimes, you know, everybody's got things going on. You just never know what somebody has going on. And maybe if you've got something going on, you're thinking, it couldn't get worse than that. You hear a story like this, and you think, all right, a little perspective.

I'm not shoving stuff in my butt outside of an apartment building. This guy's a 44-year-old man who's got two young kids in the house. Yuck. All right, what I have for you this time? What do I have now? Oh, yeah. on behalf of the 93x half-ass morning show I'd like to congratulate the Kansas City Fire Department because a day or two ago they had the most memorable moment of their careers

it may not go down as the most heroic day ever but it'll absolutely be the story that gets retold more than any other at beer parties from here on out the KCFD the Kansas City fire department they had to pull some sorry some bit out of a porta potty. The dumb bastard had somehow gotten himself stuck down there in the sh tank where all the pooh-poo's and the pee-pies go.

Down, he went down. I think he went down there on purpose. No, he did. He didn't. They revealed more about this story. He dropped a mountain dew and he tried to catch it and fell in. I'm not buying that.

I don't know. When you watch the video, it appears to me that he... Let me just tell the story. Let me tell the story. He says his excuse was I dropped a mountain dew down there. Yeah, I don't know if he said that or if they, you know, if that was just, that's what it was reported. It didn't specify if he said it or that's just what they found out. Down into the tank, he went.

So, and somehow he couldn't get himself out. So the firefighters had to saw a larger hole than was already provided. by the toilet manufacturer in order to get, in my opinion, the obviously very mentally disturbed individual out of this hole. He was such a D-bag about it. He was. That's where I'm going with this. I see him off so much.

I'm sure he's just embarrassed. I've seen that before where somebody's being helped and they're embarrassed and they're a jerk to whoever's trying to help them out. See, we've got different takes on this. You think that this guy really accidentally fell down there and maybe his embarrassment caused him to lash out. I don't think so. Oh, I'm not saying it was an accident.

I'm just saying it was reported that he dropped him out and knew that's what he's going for. I'm saying in that situation where somebody's being a jerk when they're being helped out, I think sometimes that's the case. The whole works is on video. I personally never saw what condition the dude was in when they pulled him out of there. I think I'm glad I didn't see that, considering what he was wallowing around in for God knows how long. I'm going to guess that was a disgusting sight when they got him out of there. All soaking wet with 100 or so different brands of number ones and soft cold number

twos, probably all in his hair and whatnot. And so I didn't even get how he fit. See, that's where I'm going with all this. I think he put himself in there for some reason. I think the guy's just totally, he kept going. He's totally insane. And I don't think he really wanted. to get out of there.

Because, I mean, come on, you saw the video. He could have gotten himself out of there. He was making it as difficult as possible. It was like an attention thing. The fire department kept cutting away on the toilet and saying, okay, go ahead. Come on, come out. Get out of there. And he kept saying, well, I can't.

This and that. So I think they made the whole larger. It must have been pretty bad because, like, they'd keep walking out. You know, the fireman would walk out for, I wonder if they just needed to get some fresh air. That, and I think they were just pissed off at the situation because they knew this guy put himself down there. He could get out, but he just won't. I mean, he was making no effort to help himself. As Bank Teller Sheez says, he was gooey.

Yeah, he definitely was gooey. I think deep down he liked the attention and he liked the ones and twos. I could be wrong. They got them out of there. The fire department gave him a spray down with the fire. hose and then they got the hell out of there. So I don't think this was an accident. This was a lunatic meth head or something that wanted to eat poop or something.

I don't know because he made no effort to get out of there. Yeah, I still don't get how he even fit. Yeah. There's not a ton of... He's not a little guy. Well, you saw him when he got out. Not all of it. They just kind of showed his arm come out and, you know, like arm up to his side.

And he had a big arm. I mean, it just looked like a big dude. That's why I think he got in there on purpose. Oh, he must have. You know, whether or not he dropped something and went for it, he decided this is my, this is where I live. This was no accident. No, I live here now. Unless somebody pooped him out.

Is that possible? No, that couldn't have happened. A butt baby? Like a full grown man? A full grown man, yeah. Gave birth to a guy. This was just a meth head who wanted to play with pee and poop. It does seem more like if he dropped something.

I mean, I understand. I have a love for a mountain dew. As a matter of fact, I'm going to have one in a second here. But it must have been, if he did really drop something, it was drugs. Or you mentioned Matthew. It had to have been something like that. One time I was very, very intoxicated. I was at Rockfest, so like, of course, which is going on this weekend.

It is. But I was in one of the porta-potties, and I had an ESIG. It was like one of those big, douchey ones with, like, battery operated. And I dropped it into the porta-potty. And the door was kind of like half open, I don't know. And so my husband was right there, and he saw me do it. and he saw me like go to reach for it really quick just like out of instinct

he's like no no no no no no no we're not we'll get you a new one in the morning or something you're not going into the porter potty for the ESIG that you have to put your mouth on to use that's not happening yeah I'm surprised that you could have been that drunk to go for that yeah it was just and like it was such instinct when I've dropped it in the past

because there's plenty of times you know just reach for it right away why keep it in your pocket that's that's the problem That's how it happened. I went to pull my pants down. Did you already say, I'm sorry if you already said that. No, I didn't.

I mentioned that part. Nail gun, Jesus said, would you be able to take enough showers to feel clean again? I'd have to bathe in bleach. But our guy was not concerned about that. No, he didn't seem to be too bothered. Nope. That was exactly where he wanted to be. Do I need to tell you the story again about the porta potty at Brainer International Raceway with the Cherry on?

top. That's pretty nasty. I think about that sometimes. Oh my God. Like if I see one that's pretty full. I was headed for the crapper. One of my buddies just got out of there and he said, hey, look for the cherry on top. And I said, huh? When I got in there,

I saw the largest mountain of loose human feces I'd ever seen in my life. No. A perfect peak. To call that the iceberg. I'll go along with it.

I hate it. Four or five days of camper diarrhea. And at the very, very, very tippy top, there was a tampon that had been used thoroughly. Nice. It was the perfect chariot. Got some use out of it. That's great. That's not the weirdest thing you've seen in a porta potty, though, from what you've said in the past.

Oh, my damn. Are you going? What? Is that not the weirdest thing you've seen in a porter potty? grossest thing, but not the weirdest. Are you going back to that Vikings tailgate party? I am. I love this one. I don't remember.

Ashley, Vikings' tailgate party many years ago. I went into the Washington Avenue. They used to set up porta-potties there for the Vikings tailgate parties. We were talking old school metrodome, right? Oh, the old metrodome. And I opened up the door and flipped open the lid so I could take a squeege and down in the tank there was a, like a kicking and fighting, there was a fawn, like a baby deer in there.

And it was, like, it was gritting its teeth and screaming and kicking. That's such a weird place. I said, what the hell? And I just got out of there. Yeah, you're not in the middle of the country. You're in the middle of Minneapolis. I don't know how that happened. But they got it out of there.

All right, the Wizzinator. Speaking of the Vikings. The Wizinator. How funny how these things work out. Someone mentioned the Wizzinator out loud on yesterday's show, and then by God, here comes a story today where the Wizanator plays a starring role. And if you're totally lost as to what the hell I'm talking about,

or maybe still thrown by that story of a baby deer in a porta potty. Vikings won that day, though, by a field goal. I remember that much. They beat the Patriots. Anyway. A whizzenator is a surprisingly believable-looking fake pecker that some dudes might keep in their short so they can try and fake a piss test. A good whizzenator comes with a little container of dried urine or something like that,

and then you mix that with water, and then when you're taking your court-ordered piss test or whatever, you can try and fool them by pulling the whizzenator out of your pants. I think you get the idea, just in case you had never heard of the wisonator if you're a younger person and you don't know the story. The gimmick was made famous around here in the year of 2000-ought-5 by a Minnesota Viking running back by the name of Ontario Spliff, who got caught carrying a wizz-meister at the airport.

That's the first time I'd ever heard of it. Yeah, me too. He was on dope and he was looking to fake a piss test at one point or another, so he had a whizinator on his person. So here's a guy now in the year of 20 and 26. The cops down there in the far south-s and southeast. the cops, they had to rassel this low life over his fake pecker. A dude by the name of James.

James is a low life who's been in and out of trouble with the cops per years. He's a career asshat thief, drug addict. So he's one of those characters who has to show up to the local courthouse every now and again and produce for them a court-ordered urine sample. It's a probation thing, don't you know? Well, a couple of days ago, stupid James showed up at the courthouse. The cops saw that he was driving a motor vehicle,

and that's not allowed for James. He has a suspended license. So that's a violation of his probation. They tossed him into a squad car. Eventually, the police saw that James was a look and to fake his upcoming piss test. He had that classic model Wizzinator strapped to his leg or something.

ready to whip that pig out and make some fake piss. He had it all set. He had the fake... Sucks. He had the fake urine in there somewhere wired to a heating pad so it would cruise out hot. That's how they do it. So, once James was in the back of that cop car, he panicked. He knew the cops would find it.

He tore the fake piss-filled pecker off of his leg and tried to hide it. Somewhere's in the back of the squad car. What? That didn't work. The cop easily spotted it, and then the cops chewed James out for being such a pukebag idiot. He's going to prison now. I looked up the Wizzenators website, and they sell a lot more than just Wizzenators, right? You can buy your fake urine, like a lot of varieties for some reason.

Sure. What else do they have? Flashlights, if you're interested. I guess it's all penis-related. Did they got a two-and-one combo? Oh, I didn't even look if they had any combinations, like a gift pack for the holidays or something. I thought maybe one that could do both, a fleshlight and Wizzinator at the same time. I could try to even figure that one out, but maybe.

I would imagine, I would assume, Josh, did a website that sells products. A website that sells products made to cheat a drug test would just stick to those products. But they also branch off and sell sex toys. Yeah. Like fleshlights. Anything genital related, they will. Yeah, I'm with you. I would have thought it would have just been the fake penises and the clean urine.

If I'm buying myself an ever. I'm getting it from a good old-fashioned All-American sex shop. Yeah, I want somebody that focuses on that. I want to talk to the guy at the front desk. I want to talk to the guy at the front desk and ask them about the pros and cons of the product that I'm about to buy.

I've been to one of those, well, actually, I've been a couple times with you, and I've heard some of the people that work there, and they're very passionate about what they do. Like I'd imagine in a dispensary, at least in the movies, you have a very knowledgeable person who smoked every single kind of weed, and they can tell you everything about it. They usually care.

This Wizzinator guy, he's all done. Can't believe he thought he could pull it off of his leg and hide it in the cop car. There's no, they like make it where there's absolutely, it's just plastic back there. That's it. I mean, he was desperate. And the cop holder or anything. Like, where are you? He kind of like kicked it under his feet.

I mean, he was desperate. He was cuffed up front. So he was able to kind of use his hands to shake it. down his leg. But it was funny because the cop who's going to pull him out of the squad car now, the cop sees this fake pecker and says, what the hell is this? And the guy's like, well, I don't know. And the cop says, what do you mean? You don't know? I clean this car every day. It's part of my job. What do you think? I wouldn't notice a fake pecker in the freaking car? The guy was just a complete moron. He did look very defeated, didn't he? The guy like, ah, geez.

If I'm buying a sleeve, I'm going to many years ago, me and some pals got awful. awful drunk there at Rick's Cabaret. And they threw us out of there like at 3 o'clock in the morning. And this was Josh. Oh, my God, look at the time. I had no idea. Oh, wow. Another one of those mornings where I completely lost track of time.

So I'll wrap it up with this silly story. When they threw us out of Rick's Cabaret, this was back, Josh, when they had the sex shop right next door. Lickety split. Lickety split. So for whatever reason, we go into the sex shop. Everyone is wildly intoxicated. And one of my pals, because he knew he was going to be in a lot of trouble with his wife

for staying out all night and into the morning at Rick's Cabaret, he thought, this is why we went in there. He said, look, I'm going to be in Dutch with the wife. Can we duck in here real quick? I'm going to buy her a dildo. So when I get home, you know, yeah, she's going to be mad, but I can say, sorry, honey, here's a present. Here's a dildo for you.

I don't know. Go f yourself. Very romantic. Yeah, I don't think that would help. I mean, if you knew this couple, it made total sense. So we said, sure, I have no problem. I like those joints. So we all walked in.

Again, this is like 3.30 in the morning. The place is still open. There's one guy behind the counter. He's like, gosh, darn it. He wanted to be left alone, but here come these four or five drunks. So my pal buys this two-story tall, big rubber vibrating apparatus. There were prongs coming off the side to stimulate your ass. and it was this unbelievable $300.

And he brings it up to the front desk. And instead of just ringing it up, he wants to ask questions to the guy about the product. Oh, no. He says, I'm buying this from my wife. So does this simulate the clitoris? And what kind of batteries do you? And the guy at the front counter says,

it's 3.30 in the morning. What do you want from me? Get the hell out of here. My pal said, oh, I'm sorry. Sure. Okay, and the guy said that'll be $318. He wanted to ask all these detailed questions about the frigging product. And the guy said, come on, it's 3.30.

I don't care. We got to get out of here. What do we do next? Sports? Yeah. All right, good. Sports. On the 93X half-assed morning show.

This portion of the half-assed morning show is brought to you by Hogbauer Automotive, conveniently located at 3rd Avenue and Main Street. We've got the fairest prices in town. What's the bill? How much you got? No, no, I'm asking how much the repairs are. I'm asking you how much you got. As you heard, all services are haggle-free.

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Anyone got any ideas? What we're going to do with Randy Shaver at 730? Not a whole lot going on, is there? I mean, the twins are back at it tonight. They start a series in Chicago against the Cubs. Other than that, there isn't Dick Ola going on. Pretty slow. If you got any ideas as to what we're going to do with Randy Shaver at 730,

we can call them and tell them to stay in bed. I don't know what the hell. A couple of text messages have come in. So there you go. That's all you need. Sports-wise, twins start up a series tonight. Maybe. Maybe what? I was reading an article saying they're not so sure.

Oh, with the smoke. With the ear and whatnot. Sure, you never know with this friggin. Maybe there's, I can try to find some things by 7.30, but here's the deal. Real quick, we had a conversation in our stupid news report. We're running late. I apologize. We had a conversation in our stupid news report about a dude who crawled into the shh tank in a port-a-potty.

God knows the horrors. that he found down there. I deep down believe that he wanted to be in there, and the Kansas City Fire Department had to come or running and cut him out of there. It was a total nightmare. A listener texted in, he knows something or another about a park ranger in this general area.

They had to keep chasing down some crazy some bitch who would crawl in and out of the porta potties in the national park. And he wouldn't just sit in the porta potty. He'd get down in the tank like the guy we were telling you about earlier. He would crawl down there in the tank and root around in all the fecese because he's totally out of his mind. They said the last straw they found this guy down in the tank. He had a computer in his lap.

He was watching porn, whacking his bag. And finally. You know, it's every once in a while you hear stories like this. And aren't you guys glad you just get regular guy horny? instead of bathe myself in feces horny? Yes, Josh, I do. I feel fortunate. I'm so happy that somehow I came away with a relatively normal approach to sex and damn near everything else.

Yeah, maybe it's the wrong way to look at it. I often feel sorry for those people and not an demeaning way, but just like seriously, that's unfortunate that that's what you need. And then before we go, Josh also brought up an old story of when he and I were at a Vikings tailgate party years and years and years ago. We were at a Vikings tailgate party on Washington Avenue that the porta potty set up. And I went in to take a piss and I flipped up the lid and there was a baby deer caught in the ishtank down in the, I don't know how it got in there, but there was a baby deer and they had to rescue it. A listener says that baby deer in the outhouse reminds me of the time.

He says his Rottweiler fell into the piano and got tangled up in the wires. Really? And he called the piano tuner, and the piano tuner refused to help him out. I knew you were messing with me. That's for your jerky boys fans right there. Oh, I haven't heard that one. His Rottweiler got up into the piano and got tangled up in the wires. And he calls a piano tuner, the piano tune.

What time is it, Josh? Right now, 7.09 a.m. News coming up next. Next. Air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. that doesn't sound good. What's going on to Habs, podcasters?

We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard Heating and Air Conditioning come into play. If your AC is out, you shouldn't have to wait. Standard prioritizes homes without cooling, so they got your back. With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.

Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Jim Rome takes on sports.

I will always have a complicated relationship with this game. But people evolve. So do sports. Do not make me regret this. Do not make me devolve. Back to that guy that so many clones wish that I still was. And do not embarrass the entire country. Now, I can go back.

I can get there fast. Lose tonight. And you got a real problem. Do not blow it. The Jim Rome Show podcast. You've been warned. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. The 93X half-assed morning show.

They got their heads up their ass. On 93X. You can still feel it kind of burning your eyes, which is why the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency issuing this air quality alert through 11 a.m. Friday, the good news things will improve. Right now, the air quality index, though, across much of Minnesota considered hazardous.

The wildfire smoke was so thick yesterday that parts of Minnesota landed in the global spotlight for all the wrong reasons. Among major cities worldwide, Minneapolis ranked number one on the list of poor air quality yesterday afternoon, the worst air in the world. Good for us. We did it. And the side effects went well beyond the obvious burning eyes, scratchy throats, and headaches. Visibility dropped. Outdoor plans scrapped, which is why we're here today.

And emergency lines started getting flooded with calls from worried residents reporting the haze itself. And that led to some local law enforcement officially running. out of patients yesterday with residents. They didn't like clogging up 911 lines simply to talk about wildfire smoke. In Ramsey, officials say the smoke set off a wave of calls from residents. There, they were worried about grass fires or maybe a house fire nearby. That pissed me off so bad. In Chisago County, the sheriff's office jumped in with a public reminder.

The smoke is tied to the ongoing boundary waters fires and 911 should be reserved for actual emergencies. And true to form, the Chisago County Sheriff's Office delivered. that message with the dry humor the departments become known for. As the office put it, whatever the case may be, please do not call our dispatchers about the smell of smoke in the air. Your barn's on fire? Call us. Your neighbor's grill turned into a bonfire.

Call us. You smell that limited edition, all-natural Minnesota-Cologne descent of charred trees? Don't call us. Northwestly winds pushed heavy smoke into Minnesota where firefighters were already battling more than a dozen wildfires of their own. own. That sent air quality in the Twin Cities soaring into the hazardous range, triggering

warnings for all residents to stay indoors and forcing most outdoor events to be canceled. Including our big beer party. So there are quite a few people out there who just were wildly out of touch with what's going on. More so than I

think I was when it first hit town. Yeah, there's some people that had no idea, obviously. I mean, if we hadn't seen one of these a few years, ago, I think I would have been greatly confused when the smoke rolled in yesterday. But, you know, I was somewhat familiar because of the past few years. We've had a few of these, but that's kind of crazy. Yeah, this one seems way worse.

They had no idea. Yeah, they just assumed it was something else going on. Yeah. After like the third phone call, I'd be done. I'm not answering you anymore. Turn on Channel 9 or something. Ah, idiot. After repeatedly pestering a woman for photos of her feet, a 20-year-old Florida man apparently

decided subtlety was getting him nowhere. So he escalated to exposing himself before following the victim around an Orlando Lowe's store. The aptly named Landon Spearman was arrested Tuesday after putting the low in Lowe's. According to the arrest report, the victim was simply trying to complete an Instacart delivery when Spearman approached. His opening move, repeatedly begging for photos of her feet. Hoping to make him go away so she could actually do her job, she declined the request, but reluctantly accepted his phone number. What? She thought it would be the end of it.

But Spearman was just getting started. As she walked away, Spearman called out to her. When she turned around, she was greeted by the sight of Spearman expressing his interest in her by exposing his flaccid peener, followed by quite possibly the worst sales pitch in human history when he said, Call me for some dick. Unsurprisingly, the romantic gesture failed to sweep her off her feet. As Spearman exposed his spearman, he didn't just walk away. He began stalking the victim through the store.

He only fled when she managed to seek safety near a group of other customers, which scared him off. Jesus, what a nightmare. Call me if you want some D. Word. No, thanks. I'm going to try that on the wife. See if it gets anywhere. Hey, call me for some D.

When police caught up with him, Spearman didn't even try to deny the creep show. During his interview, he fully corroborated. the victim's account of the entire encounter. That guy's cute. Just adorable. Police in Mississippi busted a nut Sunday. I mean, this lady sounds crazy. Total nut job.

22-year-old Caitlin McQuilin' McIntyland Maxwell was arrested for careless driving being under the influence in possession of marijuana and several modified firearms while completely nude. Approximately 9.39 p.m. Sunday, cops conducted a traffic stop and found Maxwell, the driver of the vehicle, drunk, naked, and apparently making one hell of an impression. When officers pulled her over, they quickly realized the driver had absolutely nothing on, except apparently a massive buzz. When they politely asked her to cover up,

they were immediately hit with a snoop-dog concert-sized wave of marijuana odor. During a search of the vehicle, which belonged to Maxwell's boyfriend, Sean Cooley, police found weed, several modified firearms, and fully automatic conversion devices. Needless to say, driving your boyfriend's car naked with illegal machine gun parts is a fantastic way to get his house raided, and that's what happened. A search of Cooley's residents paid off, turning up even more modified firearms, along with additional parts meant to convert other weapons, which was not Cooley. Not Cooley at all, as a matter of fact. He's probably a little upset with her. Yeah, like, could you have at least kept some clothes on?

Now they're in my house, tearing everything to shreds. Cover the sin of a naked body. Maxwell was charged with DUI refusal, possession of marijuana in a motor vehicle, while in possession of a firearm, careless driving, and no seatbelt. They must have really been mad at her. Cooley was promptly taken into custody during the raid. And the lady, I would imagine, too, right? Well, she was already in custody.

Oh. But, yeah, at the raid is when he was taken. What's up with the naked? They never said. I mean, it's 9.39 at night. It's Mississippi, so I'm sure it's hot, but maybe... Maybe it was hot at 939 still? Maybe she's just like to be, maybe she's just one of those people that likes to be naked.

A naturalist. Yeah. Maybe she's a naturalist. But yeah, they think they were maybe selling those drugs, so selling those guns. Maybe sampling a little bit of it along the way. It's possible. Must have been something more. Marijuana doesn't make you get naked and drive around, right?

No, not yet. Never experienced that, no. Alcohol can make you get naked, I suppose. Yeah, true. Oh, 100%. Yeah. I mean, I guess we're so used to assuming it's meth or crack or something like that because, I mean, it has that reputation. Sometimes I think we forget about the obvious. Alcohol can get some people completely naked.

Yeah, it really can. My favorite, being a friend of mine who had a tumultuous, would that be a good word, a relationship with a lady? It was one day they were just the happiest couple in town and then they would fight like dogs in public a lot. and it was often something really cool to see. Now, I wasn't lucky enough to see this, but they drank a lot. They were both pretty troubled with the beer drinking, and that would usually lead to these hellacious fights. So one night, they're at a bar and having a good time.

Both of them drunk off their ass, and they get into a big fight. She storms out of the bar. He had driven. He had driven them in his pickup. So he's figuring, okay, she'll walk home or whatever. He's going to stay and get even more drunk. And suddenly he notices every guy in the bar is rushing outside into the parking lot. He's like, well, what the hell's going on?

He goes out there. His girlfriend, who had just stormed out, was in the bed of his pickup, ass naked, dancing for all the men in the parking lot. Word. That was her way of getting back at him for this argument. Oh, you want to be a prick? I'll show you how desirable I am to every other guy. So, yeah, drunk can get you naked. That was her way of getting back at him.

I bet that was a hell of a show. You're right, though. Drugs get a bad rap for that now that you bring it up. Alcohol is probably way more common for getting folks nude. Did I ever tell you guys about the time? This is a long time ago. But I bought shoes from a drug dealer? No.

Give it to me, Covey. I don't think so. I don't know what he laced him with, but I was tripping all day. Oh, my God. Honor a true local hero tomorrow with Ride for the Joe's at the Lionel Lakes American Legion. I'll be out there tomorrow. The Year's Ride pays tribute to officer Ben Smith. He served his country as a U.S. Marine and his community as a corrections officer before becoming a police officer.

The event will feature live music, food vendors, drinks, raffles, and more, all while supporting a family that could use a little kindness and help during a very difficult time. Registration begins tomorrow at 9.30 a.m. This is again at the Lionel Lakes American Legion, is where it starts, kick stands up at 11. Can you run that shoe joke by Ashley again? I really liked her reaction. No, because I don't think she was very happy with me. I've already upset her once today.

I just kidding. What? I burped in your presence. Oh, that was just an odd noise. Well, it was because I tried to pull it back in and I realized she was still in here. Yeah, I was too. So I'm not going to risk it. It's okay.

You guys might not recognize me on Monday. I'm going to go there and a buddy of mine, he's in a motorcycle club and they're going to be a part of this. And he said he's going to gear me up. he's going to give me some stuff that I can wear, so I might look a lot tougher and cooler come Monday. I'm excited for this. Show up with one of those black and orange Charlie Davidson leather jackets or something like that. He didn't tell me exactly, but I bet it'll be sexy.

Please send photos. Well, I'll be coming in with it on mine. Oh, you're going to wear it in on Monday. Maybe they'll let me put on a, I don't think they'll give me a jacket unless I join the club. I mean, is there something to say, Josh, about someone who shows up head to toe in biker gear but doesn't own a bike? That would be kind of funny. You know, I don't know. There might be some people who, I'm not going to say a word because, you know, you're my best friend.

But there are some people who might challenge you on that and say, oh, yeah. They might call me a poser. What are you, some kind of a friggin poser? I don't think I've been on a motorcycle in about 13 years. I got on mine a couple weeks ago. Do you mean your e-bike? Well, it's the same thing. Yeah, same thing.

Sorry. It's like that dude I used to work with in St. Cloud who drove like a 1981 Dotson something or another and in the back window of his Dotson he had a huge sticker that said Mustang. That's funny. None of us could figure it out.

I do think it's funny sometimes when you'll see that like on a Mustang like where people might not I don't know if it's just extra. Hey, just so you know this is a Mustang. Just in case you didn't notice. It's a reminder. You don't see that on like most vehicles. Yeah.

No. You don't see like Civic on the back of a Honda Civic or something like that. Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. Don't take this personal, but I hate that your desk is next to mine. When you peer over the cubicle, I'd consider taking your life. Bitch, I want to do your friends. After five days straight and dealing with your shit, I hope you get hit by a bus.

You know, this was supposed to be a day off for us, Randy Shaver. Yeah, no kidding. Supposed to be a day off. But we got screwed. You know, corporate radio still rules, Randy. But I guess we found out yesterday, Josh, that corporate radio doesn't always win. You can't beat Mother Nature. We were defeated yesterday by Mother Nature.

Yes. We had plans to go stay out. We were going to stay out all night last night at our half-ass morning show and I'm glad we're covering this now because I am receiving a few text messages saying are you guys live what the hell's going on I thought you had the day off we were planning on staying out all night last night at our half-ass morning show summer bash oh there were going to be some live bands playing at that beautiful new mystic lake amphitheater right the creeds the bush but that friggin uh canadian wildfire a northern minnesota wildfire blowing all that smoke our way

caused a lot of outdoor activities to cancel last night, including our friggin' show. So we were going to stay out all night and take today off. But when the show got postponed, I should say, it's been postponed to September 5th. When the show got postponed, we figured, ah, let's be good Americans. Let's come to work.

I planned on having half of Bartles and James last night. Whoa. Wow. Just half. Wow. We decided to be good Americans. Yeah. I decided to be a good one along with you.

You sure did. We knew we could count on you. Yeah, you didn't have to come on today. You're a good guy. We knew we could friggin' count on you. I will say, too, that even with the smoke, the heat and just how hot it's been, it would have been kind of miserable. It would have been. A few people text the same thing.

Like, they were looking forward to the show like we were, but it's not the worst news without comfortable it would have been. I would think September 5th will be much nicer. I would hope so. The half-fast summer bash and fall. I wonder if they're going to have to change the name or what they're going to do there. Not our problem. Late summer bash. Late summer bash.

We have received a few text messages saying, hey, the things like, what a nice surprise. We thought you were going to be gone. Well, thank you. Very sweet crowd out there saying thanks for coming in and helping us get through another miserable day. Well, this individual said another miserable day of working out. outside. Yes. You've been working outside this week.

You deserve some type of a friggin' purple heart. And like a long on standby. So, but here's the problem. We're not sure what to do with you, Randy Schaer. You got any ideas? Because there's nothing going on in the sports. That's not true. The twins are playing tonight.

Maybe. They open the second half of the baseball season tonight in Chicago. Yeah, there's that. They take on the Cubs. It's, you know, this is a big, and Brad talked about this earlier this week. This is a big stretch for them. They've got seven games between now and next Thursday, between the Cubs and the Guardians.

And those are two teams that are playoff bound at this point. So it's a real test, and we're all sitting here waiting to see what they do over the next two weeks. Right. To make a decision about whether they're a buyer or a seller at the trade deadline. They actually could be both. It's possible. You can do both? They could be both.

They could sell a Joe Ryan and get back a multitude number of players and prospects and still go out and find a couple of people for their bullpen if they feel like they can, they still want to try to contend over the last two months. The problem, and I alluded to this before, Joe Ryan, this is the time. If you're going to trade Joe Ryan and get the best return for him,

it's really now because in the offseason, it won't quite be as good as what you could get at this point right now, especially after he just pitched in the All-Star game. He looked really good. There's a lot of teams contending right now. So the twins are right smack in the middle of what should we do. And the fan base is watching closely to see what they will do. Well, I'm interested in seeing what it looks like when a team buys and sells at the same time.

If, in fact, that's what happens. Yeah. They start a series tonight in Chicago against the Kubs. Yeah. They had a surprising first half of the season. They've had a much more successful season so far than a lot of you dicks anticipated. But the All-Star break is over. Who's pitching tonight?

for the twins Bailey Ober for Chicago, a feller called Colin Ray. Colin Ray. Oh, I've had a colon Ray. It wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. Well, you got through the prep just fine. Don't be afraid of that colon Ray. They fire it up asses all day, every day. They know what they're doing.

It's kind of a weird schedule. They're playing, well, I shouldn't say weird, but they're playing a night game tonight, And then they've got a, you know, when I was growing up as a Cubs fan, the Cubs, this is how I remember Cubs baseball. It's 120 in the afternoon. That's, I don't, because the Cubs never played under the lights at home when I was a kid. Right. They always played day games.

Didn't have a night game until 1988. That's correct. So that's how I remember the Cubs, and they'll play a night game tonight, and they'll play two afternoon games. And tomorrow's matchup is great. Tage Bradley, who's been fabulous, and Matthew Boyd, who's back from injury and really is an all-star caliber pitcher. Okay. Good matchup tomorrow. All right.

So there you go. It's going to be fun, you know. This next two weeks is going to be, we'll have a lot to talk about over the next two weeks baseball concerning the twins. All right. I'm not worried about the next two weeks. I'm what you worry about today. Power through. So we got through the twins.

Right. Well, you made the decision to work, so, you know, just do your best. You made the decision. That's all we can ask, isn't it, Randy? Right. That everyone just does their best. Maybe we can call somebody. Let's call Zach.

Want me to? Yeah, why not? Let's just see if Zach is up. I'm sure he's up. I mean, you know how it is? I mean, this is technically a sports segment. I mean, obviously we can talk about anything we want to. I'm just, maybe we won't keep you all the way until.

820. Let's just see. That's fine. Let's see if Zach is up. You know what? And maybe Zach can talk a little bit about Quinn Hughes. He doesn't want to talk about Quinn Hughes. Well, I mean, that's going to be a big story here over the next few weeks. The wild schedule came out. Oh, yeah, right. Came out yesterday.

I mean, we're starting to gear up towards training camp and all that kind of stuff. Someone did text in and say, well, talk about hockey. Okay. I mean, it doesn't start for a while. I'm not sure what we can cover. other than the Quinn Hughes thing. Yesterday we went off about the friggin' Dylan Larkin situation. Yes, did you guys watch?

I didn't know the National Hockey League was doing this, but now the National Hockey League is doing the fun, funny schedule release videos. Did you see the one that the man bear pigs put together? Hand out the Oscars to the Falino family. Yes. If you haven't seen it in this pig's schedule release video, you got Marcus and Ian Falino.

What the hell is the other brother's name again? Did you really forget? I always forget. Nick? Marcus and Nick Folino. And the old man, Mike, who I watched play as a young person. They all pile into a car. Mike's driving.

Nick and Marcus are in the back, and they do like a road trip gimmick. So, you know, they drive through past a landmark in Seattle. Then it shows you when they played the stupid, totally unnecessary Seattle Cracken. and Chicago, Colorado, they use like sightseeing type gimmicks to fill you in on the upcoming schedule. They have a little comedy back and forth that's fun. The filinos are fun people. They are. I loved that.

Are we there yet, Bit, that was perfect. So there you go. Check that out. Is that up on our website? I think it is. Did Zach answer the phone? He did not. Son of a bitch.

I'll text him real quick. You know, he probably doesn't know what it is. Probably not. No, he wouldn't expect it. to call from us in July. We haven't talked to him in a while. Fun video. Yeah, if it's up on our website, check it out. Oh, at one point or another, they're driving somewhere, the Falino family, and they pass a Dallas Stars fan who's wearing the sweater and he has a sign above his head

that says, I don't know, Dallas or bust or something. And of course, they don't pick him up because he's a loser. It's cute. We got a long ways to go before we got to worry about hockey. but, I mean, if this matters to anybody, they did change the schedule now from 82 to 84 games. Why? Why? There's a reason here, Randy. Give me a chance. It's also a decision they made under the league's new collective bargaining agreement.

It was something about evening up the schedule as far as your conference and non-conference opponents. I understand maybe there were some owners who thought, that maybe more games needed to be played against your rivals. Probably the motivation, money and ticket sales, right? We want more games against our rivals so we can sell more tickets. Everyone goes to the rivalry games. I'm just kind of guessing, based on what I read, it's all kind of very boring and businessy. But yes, there will be two more games played this upcoming season.

They've done it before, a number of years. ago. Oh, a number of years ago, they agreed to two extra games on the schedule so they could squeeze in some of those cute neutral sight games. That was years ago. Now it's more about increasing the number of games against your division rivals or maybe conference rivals. They fire it up on October 1st, I believe, is game one for the Pigies. Yeah, in Nashville. Here's something cute. Okay. Yes, in Nashville, Tennessee. Here's something cute. A new twist on this year's NHL schedule,

an increase in Monday afternoon games. Hmm. Finally. Josh needs something to do before he fires up Monday Night Raw. Why? I'll tell you why. So they can show those games in prime time in Europe. Oh, interesting.

Because, of course, you know, we always have to be broadening our audience. It's the NFL was the lead. But this game really is worldwide, though, too. Yes. Right? So it's strictly so. It kind of makes a little bit of sense. It's so more European people can watch the NHL in their prime time.

So when it's noon here in Minnesota, it's 8 o'clock in Bulgaria or something. Yeah. Right. Yeah, that makes much more sense than the NFL I just read as. now looking at games in Japan starting soon. Oh, man. I know. It's just exhausting. They need so badly, they need to get

over themselves. If the NFL ever gets over themselves, they might be a better product. You know that's not going to happen. No, it's not going to happen. It's going to be gaming Antarctica before we know it. So when do the, is it going to be every Monday just a select

number of games? I don't know that it's every Monday. I didn't look into that great detail. That's actually interesting. Isn't it? Yeah. Playing a game Monday at noon so the Europeans can watch it in prime. So it's kind of like Monday night

hockey in Bulgaria. Right. Hockey night in Bulgaria. Yeah, hockey night in Bulgaria. All right. Who else can we call? Depot. I'm done with that guy. What? I've had enough of him.

I don't have his number, though. I'm kidding. Of course, everyone loves Depot. Well, who's like a real nut job we've had in the past and we still have their phone number. Who would that be? Cluey? I don't know. I get rid of numbers so quickly. Yeah, we got Cluey's number.

I don't want to talk to Cluey. Yeah, you don't want that. Who's a real nut job? Maybe we still have Jake the Snake Roberts telephone number. That's the first person that came to mind. See how Jake's doing. Now, I'm not going to say a nut job, but a fun person to talk to would be Jordan Perese. I don't want him to think that he's the lesser Perisi, though, since he wasn't the first one we came up with.

Let me tell you something. If you want to kill time, which is what we're looking. for this morning. If you want to eat up some time and you barely get a word in edgewise, you call Jordan Parisi on the telephone. If you want to hear a 17-minute Marty Miele promotion, that's the guy to call. I do. I miss those. And then he'll tell you some emotional story about how he killed an elk with his bear hands or something. Yeah. And he'll cry on the tell. I do miss Jordan. He'll talk about the sacrifice of the animal and all that kind of stuff. I miss Jordan for a lot of reasons. He is a wonderful guy. And I'll tell you what, that is a good guy. If you want time to go

by, you get him on the telephone. And he's one of those guys that's sneaky, hilarious. He is. What time is it in Utah? Well, it would it be one or two hours earlier there? I don't want to call the guy at 10 to 6. He's got two babies now. Did you know that, Randy Shaver? Jordan Perese does? Does he not have two babies? I think two, yeah. Wow. He sent me a picture once. That happened fast. Yeah. He sent me a picture once of a and he said this belongs to me, and then it seemed like, I don't know, a year later, he sent me a picture in there were two babies. It's 6.50. So he might be up, you know, he's got those babies. He is nuts.

He's probably awake. I don't know what his work schedules like. Call Jordan. Medical device Jesus said. Do you have his number? I don't have, Josh, you'll have to message me his number. I will. Although he's asked me not to do that, but I think we can make an exception.

Medical device Jesus said, Nutt job, who's been on the phone with you guys before? You've got my number. It's right there. You want to call medical device, Jesus? Oh, that guy. No, we're not calling him. He was never drafted by the New Jersey Devils. We're looking to talk to someone who was drafted by the New Jersey Devils.

That would be Jordan. I got his phone number here if we want to try him. I can send it to you, Dan. Yeah, thank you. Hold on. That ought to be something. Copy. All right, what the hell else is going on?

Oh, well, someone texted in and said, asked Randy to talk about the Open Championship Golf Tournament. Oh, for sure. All right. Round two is underway this morning, and Lucas Herbert is on fire. He's nine under par just today. See, he sounds like the kind of guy that even I could beat at golf. His name is Lucas Gilbert?

Herbert. Lucas Herbert. Yep, he's nine under par for the round, but he's nine under par today. He's absolutely on fire. Leads the open by three shots. Which team is he on? Quite a few golfers have not teed off yet. You know, I'm not sure what his nationality is.

Because isn't it America versus? I think he's Australian. Oh, I thought this was America versus the British people. Oh, no, no, no. This is everybody. Okay, everybody. Yeah, everybody. This is the last major of the season.

Listen to people here, Joe. All the big ones are playing. Josh, people are texting in saying if you're going to call Jordan, call Jordan Max. I've never had her number. They're saying call Wing Ding Bog. guy. Nothing from Jordan. Went straight to voice man.

I just text him now. I should have thought of that. We got to let him know because it says black number or something, right, when you call? Something like that, yeah. Depends on your phone settings. I promise you before we're done, he'll call back. I guarantee you. Oh, okay.

Speaking of golf, I did see a funny video yesterday where Jera Rice. Yeah, chased down the guy. He had enough, didn't he? That's on 93x.com. Okay, good. Thank you. Former NFL wide receiver, Jay. Jerry Rice was playing in some silly, you know, grab-ass celebrity.

No, that's out in Tahoe. That was the big event in Tahoe. Oh, the thing that happened last weekend? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a current... Oh, I don't think so. It doesn't matter. Jerra Rice was playing in some silly celebrity golf tournament.

And in his back swing, somebody hollered four, I think? Or hollered something at him. And he went through with his swing, but then he chased a guy down and gave him a good talking to. Well, I bet even at what is he, 62, 63 years old, he'd still be tough. to get away from. Oh, he'd kick all our asses. He'd catch up to you quick. He's fast.

I don't think you're going to be able to run away from him. And the article that I read goes on to talk about how this is a problem now at major golf tournaments because you've got the people who want to be a somebody on social media, right? So they all have their phones out and they say, when you're swinging, they make a noise so then they can post it on social media and be totally hilarious. This is a problem at golf courses now. There's some, there's always some.

butt lick in the crowd who wants to be cute for social media purposes. Bababooie! I was just going to ask, is there a new Baba Booie? Not that I know of. By the way, Jerry Rice ended up finishing 42nd out of 90 golfers in this tournament, so he's pretty good.

Yeah, he's not bad. Pretty pretty good. Pretty pretty good. I've never seen the show, but I know the bit. What television show is that? Curb your enthusiast. Never saw it. Pretty pretty good. He had a few words for the guy. Yeah. All right.

Tell me this isn't a thing. Dana, who were you telling us about the other day? An athlete is stepping into the WWE scene? Brunson. Jalen Brunson. He's appearing tomorrow night on some WWE program. Saturday night made an event at Madison Square Garden. We don't know what he's going to do.

He's appearing with Roman rains. Oh, right. Yeah, I'm not sure exactly what they have in store, but I'm sure he'll get a big ovation from the home crowd. Tell me this is it. Tell me, please tell me. What was the old Booker T line? Tell me that you did not just say that.

Tom Brady is possibly next. That would be so exhausting. Yeah, it would. I do not need to see anything more on Tom Brady for the rest of my life. But he's effing around on podcast. teasing one wrestling match that he would be interested in wrestling one match in the WWE. Please don't make this happen. Unless it was a true, like they brought back the brawl for all and somebody legit just knocked him cold out and not at work, not a, you know,

an actual angle, like actually legit knocked the man unconscious. Otherwise, I have no interest. I mean, we should have seen this company because how long ago he was on someone's podcast and he was questioning the athletic ability of wrestlers, right? Yeah, they've been setting this up. All of work. Yeah. He was talking with one of the Paul brothers and was clear that they were trying to work an angle.

And I think everybody so universally hated it that the W.W.E. took a step back and was like, okay, I don't even think this would work whatsoever. He says, I could get in there for at least one match. And of course, the W.W.E. never, ever, ever, ever says no to anybody. If you are a legit pro athlete, they will feature you. It's one of their worst habits.

It's one of the dirtiest worst habits to WWE has ever had that crossover thing. They just do it to death. And Tom Brady's the wrong guy for this bit. You can find someone else better for this bit. If you want an NFL player, former NFL player, we could all give you a list

with much more entertaining and qualified individuals than friggin' Brady. But it'll happen. It'll happen. Jordan Preezy got back to me. He's not able to join us because he's doing a very Jordan-Prizi thing. Okay, let me guess. Goat yoga.

No, not goat yoga. A very Jordan-Prizy thing. He's hunting in the nude. Okay, close. So he, well, I don't know about his wardrobe, but he sent me a picture of a small plane he's sitting on right now. They're about to take off from Yellowknife Northwest Territories, Canada, for a fishing trip. Okay.

And he's nude? Didn't say anything about what you? I'll ask him. Yeah, ask him. What are you wearing? Let's see if he answers. He's an interesting guy. And I do miss seeing him around town.

Oh, me too. He was so fun to hang out with. We had a lot of laughs. A lot of great stories, too. He has some damn stories. One night we went to the boom boom. All right, how about we go this route then, Randy Shaver? These World Series of Poker type characters.

Probably the last thing I would ever watch on television. I was so into it back in the day. Were you? It was popular. It was very huge for a while. It seemed like most people were. You came from an era. You were in high school, I would imagine,

when that Texas Hold'em craze crippled America. Exactly. Yeah. And that easy access to Canterbury, so we'd go there and play cards every night, damn near. I was actually reading an article maybe last week. Corey Cole from Power Trip Morning Show is supposedly a very good poker play.

He played in the main event. Yeah, he's done it multiple times. I wasn't aware of that. That's awesome. Never drawn me in even a little bit, poker. Especially watching other people play poker. But they had these giant tournaments worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. Here's a story from one of these World Series of Poker characters by the name of Jared Griner.

He was in Vegas playing cards, some billion-dollar tournament. What should say here? He finished in 218th place. I don't know what that says about the guy. And they gave him a check for $57,000-some-odd thousand dollars. He walks out of the casino. He went back to his Airbn. Airbnb.

Airbnb. He went back to his Airbnb. And some derelicts jumped him, hog-tied him, beat his ass, and took all his money. Oh, my God. That sucks. Two masked individuals tackled him when he walked into his Airbnb, tied him up,

took his backpack, which had all of his money in there. Called 911. I mean, he escaped the shackling, or what did I say they did to him? Hogtied. He escaped that somehow, and he's kicking the neighbor's door. Please call 911, and they did.

Took all of his money. He said he assumes these people were casing his Airbnb and following him around days ahead of time. Sure, because he was playing in the tournament. Right. They knew the code to his Airbnb somehow. Wonder if it's an inside job. There you go.

Probably someone who's involved in the tournament. Or the owner of the Airbnb is what I was thinking. Oh, sure. If they know the code of the door. That could be. I'm going to lean more towards the card players because I have spent maybe two or three minutes watching poker on television. and a lot of those peckerheads sitting at the table, they look a little iffy to me.

Absolutely. A little iffy. My, the one friend that I have who is wildly passionate about poker goes to tournaments every weekend. Ify, he is. Don't trust him, not even a little bit. Back when that was super popular, I can't really call him a friend, but an acquaintance that I'd spend some time with every once in a while. he got good enough where he quit his job and he just kind of toured around.

I don't know how he ended up doing. The fact that you haven't heard from him probably tells you everything you need to take. I think actually I heard from him. He hogtied a guy in Vegas recently because he's down on his luck and he needed 50 grand pretty bad. Well, he was a sailor so he could tie a knot.

That doesn't surprise me. See now this one pal of mine who's crazy about poker every weekend. They just dawned on me, Josh. You said you had a friend who upped and quit his job. He was so good at it? Yeah.

I don't know if, I mean, good enough where he could afford to do that. This palomime plays every weekend and he never has a pot to piss in. So he must be terrible at poker. You could barely get five bucks out of this guy on an average weekend. And he plays po-I don't know, he must not be very good at it. I had a buddy played at Canterbury in high school. Like I said, we'd always go and his table hit a jackpot. So everybody at the table got about $5,000, I think it was.

And they're all celebrating. They're all excited. They're counting the chips out. They're bringing it over. It's a big thing. And my buddy's sitting next to the dealer. And the dealer says to him, he goes, what do you go? When you spend your $5,000 on?

My buddy's like, I can't even comprehend. I haven't even thought about it yet. You know, it's all so surreal. And he goes, let me give you a little advice. Spend the $5,000 on hookers and cocaine. Otherwise, you're just going to waste it. Have you ever heard that old joke? Yeah.

That was the first time I heard it back in the day. I thought it was hilarious. Tell me. Something to the fact of, yeah, I won $10,000 the other day. I spent nine grand on hookers and cocaine and I wasted the rest of it. Now, this is just the opinion of a listener by the name of Roastmaster Jesus, who texted in to say, tournament poker players are just better-dressed meth heads with teeth. Oh, God.

I don't know. Never been to one of those. I just seen a little tiny bit of it on television, and those people look squirrely. Do you know anybody who's been robbed in that fashion? Like this guy was tied up and his money was taken? Do you know anybody? No.

Who's been in that? I know one guy. He was a cook at a rib joint. And also, because he's a great worker, this guy's like just a go-getter type of a guy. When he was done cooking, he would also clean up the joint after hours. this was many years ago he was a young guy

and he's like vacuum in the joint after hours and there's a knock at the door and there's a couple of gals standing there and he kind of pushes the door open a little bit and says what's going on he was like 2 o'clock in the morning and the gal said we're lost or something can we come inside and use the phone and he said yeah I suppose and he lets the two women in

and when his back was turned, they clubbed him over the head with something and tied the sum bitch up and took all the money out of the restaurant. Oh, man. Yeah. That's a crazy experience. What? Here he's thinking like, this is a porno start.

They beat his ass, tied him up. I think they used his vacuum cleaner. They used his vacuum cleaner cord to tie his hands behind his back. Come on. So when this happened, of course, we tortured him. Every time I saw him, I'd say, hey man, can I use the phone real quick? He's a big dude, dude. They just beat his ass.

Pah, pop, pa, pa, pa. Took all the money. All right, believe it or not, here, Randy Shaver, which says that Anthony Edwards is making a surprise trip to New York. Oh, no. He's making a surprise trip to New York to meet up with LeBron Bron Bron. No. And try to talk his Jurassic ass into taking a job here in town with the Tampa.

It's hilarious. It reminds me when, who was it, Longwell, Chad Greenway, and one other player flew down to Mississippi. To get Brett to come back. I recall when that helicopter landed in town. Oh, yeah. With Brent in it. That was pretty crazy.

Yes, it was. Oh, Jared Allen was the other one. And I remember because I was covering the team at the time. So those three guys were mysteriously gone from practice, which is kind of a big deal of the season, both starting like 10 days. and the three captains aren't there. And the special teams coach, it was unfortunately his day to be at the podium to talk.

Childers wasn't there. Was that Gary Zoner? I can't remember his name. But the poor special teams coach has left there to handle all the media jackal questions. Like, well, where's Ryan Longwell? You're the special teams coach. You should know. He goes, he's inside working on stuff, okay?

I don't know. He's inside. He's inside. We're like, okay. They made him snap. Yep. Oh, okay, so you don't believe that Ant can get it done? He's going to New York.

He's on an airplane right now. He's going to talk to LeBron. Yeah, I don't know. I think Ant's going to get it done. What was that? I'd be A1 from day one. Yes, you have been. I mean, this thing is just like dragging itself out.

It ain't even half over yet, Randy. Even for LeBron standards, it's getting a little old. It's kind of ridiculous. It ain't even half over. And you know he knows where he's going to sign. Exactly. Probably, yeah. just loves this. I'm sure. One of our listeners

texted in to say that he knows a guy who he called a couple of hookers on the telephone. And when they got to his place, they tied him up and stole everything. And I guess this guy had to go to work on Monday and explained to

his boss why his laptop, phone, and rental car were all gone. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. It was the hookers, he had to say. That's terrible. I'm sorry. That's awful. I can't imagine that. Yeah, I know a guy who had everything taken from a hotel room. God, some bitch, he hated himself too when he told me the story.

He said, I should have friggin known. As soon as she got into the hotel room, he said, you know, he had his wallet and car keys and everything. And she said, would you mind just jumping into the shower real quick? I always ask all my clients to shower before. And he said it made perfect sense. Yeah, that's believable to me. I would grab my stuff. So he gets ass naked.

He jumps into the shower and weepity deep. He comes out. Everything's gone, including his clothes. Such a yet. I'd fall for that. Oh, my God. Wallet keys, clothes. He was walking around the hotel with a washcloth over his Johnson.

Calling for help. I'd fall for it too, Josh. I mean, it does make sense. Are you guys familiar with comedian Artie Lang from the Howard Surge? Of course. We were just talking about dirty work. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were.

Anyway, Artie Lang told the story. By the way, is he still alive? He is, yeah. I thought he came real close there. Oh, he's multiple times. Anyway. Yes, Artie Lang. I know he was quite fond of ladies of the night.

Right. He told a story once he was in Vegas, staying in a suite for the Super Bowl, and he had a couple prostitutes in there with him, and his girlfriend called him, so he had to go take the call. And he told the stripper or the prostitutes to continuously clap their hands while he was on the phone so that he knew they weren't grabbing stuff. That's an expert. I know.

That's a guy who knows his way around Vegas a little bit. What's your advice for the rookies, Randy? Yeah. I don't have any advice. I wouldn't even know who you can. Online, right? That's probably where you find something like that. Dana, that's the same strategy you have when you're walking through Glacier National Park.

Oh, for bears. Oh, sure. Clap your hand. Yeah. Make sure that they know that you were there. That's right. It's got to be pretty good for a grizzly bear. ego, right? Like, God, they love me.

Everywhere I go, they applaud. Right. F me. All right. You know, quite a few people have texted in the last couple of days, Josh, and forgive me if I've forgotten,

maybe you've covered this. Quite a few people have texted in asking, you and I specifically, because they know we're big Sylvester Stallone fans. They're asking, have we watched the documentary I play Rocky? It's not out yet.

Oh. If we saw the trailer is what they're asking. The trailer? Yeah, absolutely. Looks phenomenal. This kid is the perfect choice to cast. Oh, it's a movie. Yeah, it's going to be a movie, like a docu-serer, what do they call it, biopic? Okay, it's not a documentary on the making of Rocky and Sylvester Stallone's

day-to-day operations. I mean, it is kind of. It's a movie kind of that it's based on that. Talks about how he becomes a star and how he wrote Rocky and all that kind of stuff. And how he demanded that he was going to play Rocky, he refused to sell the script to the movie studios unless he got to play Rocky himself. Okay, so it's a movie about Sly's approach to making Rocky. Yeah, and Peter Farrely, yes, Peter Farrely, one of the directors of Dumb and Dumber, you know, and amongst other comedies, he's the one directing this thing.

And you say the dude who plays Rocky is phenomenal. He sounds the part. You could tell he worked at it because he looks like him. He sounds like him. Even his little mannerisms, the way he kind of like walks and when he's kind of like shadowboxing in front of the mirror a little bit, it's all 100% Sylvester Stallone. Definitely. Facial expressions. I mean, even like his eyes, the way he looks at people.

It's so similar. Randy Shabert, did you ever see the movie about the life of Chuck Liddell? I did not. It's just simply called Chuck. Boy, how old is this movie? I'm looking it up now. Liv Schreiber, I think most folks know that name.

He likes that guy. Portrays Chuck Liddell. And it's about his incredible story where he was picked out of nowhere to fight Muhammad Ali. 1970. I'm going to go with 70. And of course, as most folks,

no, Chuck Lidel was a part I'm sorry, Chuck Lidel, what the hell am I talking about? Weppner. Wepner. Sorry, I don't know what the hell was happening to me there. The story of Chuck Wepner. And his life turned into an absolute disaster. It's a really good movie.

Now, most folks know that Chuck Weppner's story was the, what's the word I'm looking for? Inspiration for Rocky. At any rate, if you watch the movie Chuck about the story of Chuck Weppner, there is an actor who portrays Sylvester Stallone. because Sylvester Stallone, when he made Rocky, he wanted Chuck Weppner in the movie. It didn't work out because Weppner was just gone on drugs and alcohol. But anyway, Josh, if you want to see a great impression of Sylvester Stallone,

other than the one coming up in this I Play Rocky movie, watch that Chuck movie. The dude who plays sly is excellent. Is he? Excellent. An actor named Morgan Spector. I don't know if he's a somebody or not. but there's a couple of brief scenes in that movie

where Chuck Wepner interacts with Sylvester Stallone and that dude blew me away with how well he could do sly. I saw you looking at your computer. Were you watching the I Play Rocky trailer? No, I was not. I was looking up the Chuck Weppner movie. Okay. Yeah, I want to see your thoughts. Okay. When does it come out? November.

Oh, F, B. I thought you were going to say tomorrow or Sunday or something. They just released the trailer. What the hell of it? Why do they do that? Well, you know, sometimes a year before. they'll release the trailer. November. Suck me sideways.

Well, that's exciting, though. And if you watch the whole trailer, they have the guy that plays Carl Weathers, or plays Apollo Creed at the end, plays Carl Weathers, obviously. But he's very good, too. Good. He's got a couple lines in it,

and it sounds just like him. Ah, Rocky. Frank Stallone's played by Matt Dillon. Frank Stallone. Yeah. That dude's nuts. Yeah, he's a little different. You ever watch a television show called World's Dumbest?

Yes. Love that program where a bunch of bee celebrities and comics sit around and just comment on funny videos. So every day it's world's dumbest drivers, world's dumbest partiers, world's dumbest lovers sometimes. You know, videos of people falling down at their wedding or something. It's a little bit of everything. But one of the characters is Frank Stallone, and he usually is the guy who has the most crass comment imaginable. Oh, I'm sure. Did you watch the family Stallone yet?

No. No. Never saw it. Yeah, he's odd on there. I knew he was kind of a different guy, but when you watched that, it's a little unsettling. If you haven't seen World's Dumbest, let me just give you a heads up. Frank Stallone does not like Russian people. Anytime there's a video from Russia, he just goes, hey, I've been telling you.

I've told you before. These people are idiots. Frank Stallone. He had a couple of hit singles. Yeah. Randy, you probably got high and danced around at clubs to the Frank Stallone's song. For sure.

What was that one? This is the end. Boopoo, bo, bo, boo, bo, bo. Far from over was that one? Far from over. Yeah. Frankie Stallone. There you go.

But then again, maybe there are some of you who want to go online and see video of Shaquille O'Neal driving the very first ever custom 1964 Chevy Impala boat. Good for him, I bet that's pretty cool. He's got a lot of cool stuff. There's video on the internet. Someone made Shaquille O'Neal a boat out of a 64 Impala

and he drives it around some lake somewhere and it's an Impala boat, Randy. Sounds great. I can hear you pulling it up. right now, Randy. I don't even like a Chevy Impala on the ground. You don't even like the regular Impala.

No. Not alone a damn Impala boat. Oh yeah. Okay, here we go. UPS Golden Valley delivery I'll get there. This guy always throws me.

UPS Golden Valley Delivery Jesus. Yes, in the original Rocky movie, when Rocky is walking around the streets of Philadelphia and hangs out with the doo-wop guys on the street corner. singing around a fire barrel. Frank Stallone is one of the singers, yes.

It's beautiful. All that all comes together, isn't it, Josh? It is. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust standard heating.

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Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bealchi. Thealkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The United States Soccer Federation presents the U.S. Soccer Podcast. I'm your host Megan Klingerberg. One thing I promised you is an all-access pass that you wouldn't get on any other show.

And we found out that whoever comes on scores a goal. Burhope. Freeman. Trusting. U.S. soccer podcast magic is real people. We still got plenty of coverage all throughout this World Cup. Okay, let's get into it. The U.S. Soccer Podcast, presented by Henko. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. FAS morning show, 93S. All right, let me go ahead and tell you.

Let me be the guy to tell you. Today became our second Friday. Pretty lucky. It did. If you know the story, you know what I'm talking about. If things were to play in our favor, you're calling it lucky. I don't know. If things were to played in our favor, I'd still be asleep.

But we decided to be good citizens. and come on into work. And it hasn't been too bad, has it, Cubby? No, like I said, two Fridays in one week. That never happens. Something happened yesterday. We had to go ahead with our second Friday broadcast. Yeah, you even said off air, you said, you asked Ashley,

were you kind of excited to come to work? I was excited to come to work. That's what Josh said off air to Ashford. And I think you were let down by my answer. Ashley said, no. Yeah, I thought maybe you would have been. I'd be pretty excited to be sleeping still. I was bummed that we missed the concert.

I thought, well, that's pretty cool. All right, welcome back to the show this morning. Yeah, our second Friday. That was, oh, have you ever had that happen? Were you excited about something? Thinking maybe the enthusiasm would be shared, and then the other person just pulls the rug. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. No, absolutely not excited. You're not either? I'm fine with it. It hasn't been so bad. No, no, no. All right, I'm looking for your take on this now. The subject is job perks.

job perks over the years Josh what would you say have been the perks of working in the slowly dying radio industry I'm going to go first I had a chance to think about it but I'm going to

give you some time tell me if I'm missing anything over the years 30 years at this point I'm going to go first and I'm going to say number one perk chicks Number two, more money than I ever dreamed of.

Three, free concert tickets. Okay, now we're on with the real stuff. Number four, over the years, getting the opportunity to work with some of the most self-destructive, incredibly dumb people I could ever imagine. Now, that experience has been a burden, but also I consider it a perk because it's been so entertaining to watch them implode before our very eyes.

Yeah, I like that. I wasn't even thinking of that. Right, Ashley. It's been a burden, but it's also been kind of a bonus. Kind of fun at the same time. And number five, I'd say meeting some of our favorite musicians and such. Did I miss anything, Josh? Yeah, I think you missed a few.

Talk about the chicks. Well, number one would be kind of like, for me, the joy I'd see you get with all the chicks. Oh, dude, yeah. I loved seeing that over the years. Yeah, look on my face. Yeah. Sometimes you couldn't even see my kids. face. No, not at all. There's something sitting. Also, I've really enjoyed, like, all the cool

things you've bought with all the money you're making in radio. You know, you want to see your friends happy. I'm lucky enough to work with my bestest friend in the entire world. Oh. But I would say, like, perks for the, like, not wearing a uniform, I think that's pretty cool. A uniform. Yeah, not having a, you can literally wear whatever you want. Yeah, no dress code. Never have had to shower beforehand. No, nothing like that. You know, this job outside of the paper cut that almost killed you, it doesn't take a toll on our bodies.

Unless, what do they say? Well, our eyes are probably cooked. Yeah, eyes and maybe sitting around is probably not too good. But we can't hear anymore. Yeah, going deaf as well. That's the most obvious one is we're all deaf. Our souls are also pretty cooked. No, it is funny when you walk around this building,

sometimes the souls have escaped the body. There's a few. There's a few. Still here, though. A few. 651-9-9-9-9-3-93, if you'd like to tell us about the perks of your job. I had such good perks when I was a server because I was a server at, or, yeah, server in other positions at Red Lobster and Olive Garden and, like, the perks getting like those Cheddar Bay biscuits all the times or like the, I just like bread, I guess, or just the bread sticks from Olive Garden. Free food.

Man. Oh, that was the best. You're not lying, Ashley. My girlfriend in high school was a hostess at Red Lobster and she'd come over after shifts and bring me cheddar bay biscuits. I didn't realize how good I had it. Yeah, dude. I peaked at 18. Our Luther Bloomington Keya text line, 651, 9893-93, if you'd like to tell us about the perks of your job.

I think we covered some of the really good stuff, Josh. I don't know if people would agree with this if you do it, but if you're in the trades, I would assume a perk would be you know how to do everything. You know how to do every damn thing. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Like any quote-unquote skill we might have around here is completely not useful. But then again, you know what we also hear? What's that? Is the guy who knows how to do everything?

He says, yeah, it's great. But guess whose telephone rings every time my friend has a broken water heater or the windows and the electricity and the AC? They always called me because they know I know. The godless internet has been talking about job perks. Tell me which one of these blow your skirt up as we wait for a pile of these to come in from our listing audience. What is a perk or two from your occupation? Here's what the Internet people said.

Friday off during the summer. Yeah, that's always cool when businesses do that. Every employee got this isn't just one job. I'm toggling from one to the next. It'd be something if all of what I'm about to tell you was from one person and one occupation. But here we go. Every Friday off during the summer, another one says every employee got a fully paid month-long sabbatical after five years?

Wow. That'd be awesome. I don't know if I'd ever come back. It would suck to have a job that if you're on meetings all day, that's another thing I should say. We're not on Zoom call after Zoom call. I mean, it happens every once in a while,

but it's not every day. No, we don't have to do a lot of meetings. But what were you saying? I'm sorry. The other thing I was going to mention is, you know, I'm not even kidding about the uniform thing. Can you imagine, like, you know, sometimes we have a job where you got to dress up,

and then the treat is on Fridays. It's casual Friday. you just kind of dress up. Yeah. You can wear jeans. You're still up to wear like a polo or something a little nicer. What about funny tie day? Wacky tie day.

Yeah. It's a fish, Josh. Yeah, it's a fish. My tie is a fish. It's supposed to be a tie. All right, here are some other perks. Oh, we can bring our dogs to work every day. There's people that do that here.

That's a perk around here. My company would pay for any class I wanted to take. I think that'd be cool. Oh, yeah. There's plenty of companies. companies that do that kind of stuff. And they use the example of pottery and photography. Free flights, and he wears the airline flew.

So this is obviously someone who worked for an airplane. My mom had that my whole life, and she still does, even in retirement. Not for me anymore, but for her and my dad. Yeah, I know a couple of people that get that. Three flights. How did your mom earn free flights? She worked at the airline her whole career. Oh, I thought she was a teacher.

No, my dad's a teacher. I thought he flew airplanes. Jesus Christ, I have no idea. I don't even know these people. You got it all wrong. Every birthday, a paid day off. Oh, really? I'd never even heard of that.

I'd be cool for me. I always get Halloween off. Every birthday, a paid day off. Have you guys heard of that before? I've never heard of. No, I've heard of getting your birthday off. But not necessarily being paid, yes. Four-day work week with no pay cut.

The owner closed the office whenever the weather was nice enough to enjoy the day. Oh, sweet. Holy balls. They paid off my student loans a little bit every month. That's very cool. That was helpful. My God. Because there are people who...

I mean, that was one of the appeals for me for the military. I was thinking about that. Like, they're going to pay for your school. There's, like, random companies that do that. I'm pretty sure, like, one of the times I was last at Subway, they had, like, a sign-up about how they help with your college in some sort. It's like, what? What's going on? I'd be honored to graduate from Hamburger University.

with McDonald's. We're talking about the perks of different occupations. We're welcoming your text messages at 651-989-9-93, and we'll get to that. But first, we got some answers from the godless internet. What else now? Perks, free child care. Some people are saying working from home when they want to. Yeah, that's a lot of folks.

My husband has that perk. It's pretty sweet. We have the, we've had the option brought up many times, but the company just won't get it done any day now any day now I've got all the stuff for it now fully stocked kitchen with actual meals not just snacks

mental health days that don't count against your PTO we have those yeah they have those we do yep okay the kitchen thing I was at actually a meeting you guys were supposed to be up you didn't go at a place where they had like this

when was this last year oh this was a meeting and none of the rest of us showed up No, no, none of you showed it. Of course you freaking showed up. Last year, I was busy. I was perfect.

Now, maybe it was two years ago. Cubbies in the front row with a notepad and a pencil. Oh, yeah, I took notes. What did they tell us at the meeting? So what? Tell you at the meeting? Well, I was just going to say, no, they had, the place was really cool. It was a really cool place, but they had a full kitchen, which it was the same thing.

You could get whatever you wanted, fully stocked with any kind of snack, any kind of beverage and everything. Meals or snacks? Everything. Meals. Like, it was anything you can imagine. Swedish meatballs? Oh, yeah. The most Swedish.

meatballs you could get. That's awesome. All right, more perks. A lot of it is food related. Well, how about this one? Well, this is perfect for you. Josh loves to ski and he's had nothing but positive experiences at ski resorts. Oh, I love it. Free ski passes all winter. Oh, yeah, I had a couple buddies that work at Afton or that worked at Afton just so that they could ski for free. You work at the ski hill. I guess I was picturing a company that maybe had a lot of skiing enthusiasts in the building, but it must be like your buddies who worked at the ski hill. Oh, I thought of one that we had when we first started.

I mentioned it already, Chicks. Oh, no, no, that was kind of more your thing. Oh. Like Disney owned us when we first, so we could get into Disney. Not this again. Anytime we wanted, but we couldn't afford to go. I thought that was dumb. The Disney Pass?

Yes. I thought it was cool. That's pretty sweet. But you got to take an airplane ride all the way down to Florida. Well, that's what I was saying. Getting there was the issue, but you could get in for free half-off hotels. How about free access to something here in town?

That would have impressed me. I always free Disney passes. When the hell am I going to go to Florida and want to go to Disney? I'm a grown man. I thought it was kind of cool. It sounds pretty sweet. I never really got a chance to go. If you finished your work early, how about this perk?

If you finished your work early, you could leave and still get paid. Yeah, there's some companies like that, right? It's like, hey, this is what you got to get done. If you take too long, you've got to. You got to stick around. If you don't, you can get out early. Boy, would I become a volunteer type of a character? Paid volunteer days to support any charity you wanted.

I think we even have that here. Unlimited coffee! We used to have that here. That's listed here. Yeah, the worst coffee to ever exist. Is it usually bad coffee? God, so bad. Our coffee sucks.

You don't like it? No. And I usually don't care at all, but it's rough. It's hard to get through. Here's a perk where a guy says the company paid for my gym membership. Oh, yeah. Heard about that. A lot.

Yeah, that's really common. It's becoming more common, right? I wish this place did it, yeah. And my last job, we had a gym in the building. That's a whole different animal. But why would a company, just a random company? You're taking care of yourself, so like, I don't know, insurance and all that. Right.

Yeah, I'm sure there's a benefit for the company there. Plus, then other employees are super hot. Every, I suppose you're right. Everyone's looking. The boss is like, let's firm things up around here. Everyone's got an ass on them. Every anniversary. So every time the company celebrated another anniversary in business,

they would spin a wheel and you could win personal time off, cash or prizes. And then, you know, free lunch. A lot of it was food-related. Those are some pretty good perks. Bonuses. Bonuses. Companies that give you bonuses if they do well, like a Christmas bonus. Oh, I always get jealous.

around the holiday season when people text in about their holiday bonuses. Yeah, I hate talking about that. Sometimes they're great. Oh, I know. I'm glad. I'm talking like $10,000, $20,000. I would do insane things with that money, though. That's probably why I work a job where that kind of stuff doesn't happen. I think that's cool when folks text that in. That's great. Good for you, if you can get that.

All right, so now I've had an opportunity to look at a couple of text messages. Our listeners texting in about the perks of their job. This guy says, my company pays you to go to the doctor. So that must be kind of in line with paying for your employees gym memberships. They're just encouraging you to be healthy. Sounds like it, yeah.

Unless someone has another guess I'm just to. I mean, I guess we're, if you want to put a spin on it like a glass half full thing. And we have that here where if you get an annual physical, your insurance is cheaper. There you go. Or you could look at it as you're penalized if you don't get your annual physical. One of our listeners is leading us to believe that, He works with a lot of drug addicts, so he says, I guess, the perk of my job is I can get my hand on any illegal drug that I want to. That is a perk.

Yeah. If you're into drugs. Garbage truck driver says, perk of the job, free garbage. Some of that sounds pretty cool. Well, somebody texted it and said they get wherever they work, they get a Costco and Sam's Club membership. Oh. The heck. That is cool.

That's really cool. Very interesting. Reading through some of the perks that you folks enjoy at your. current occupation. They smooth texting them into us, Covey, some of the perks. Like gas pipe Jesus, who says, are there perks to installing gas lines when it's 104 degrees out? No. But is the pay worth it?

Also, no. I was excited for him for a second. So some of you were a little sarcastic about this. That's okay. I would have had no idea. I would have assumed maybe you do make some big bucks doing that. This brings us back to yesterday, Josh, a text from grass janitor Jesus, who said we used to be able to bring home equipment from the job,

like power tools, chain of saws, cement mixers, etc. Until a guy got caught selling stuff on Facebook marketplace and ruined it for the rest of us. Yeah, it's always some guy, right? That sucks. Some of those perks go away because they can. can't help themselves. Perks of the job. Okay. A listener says whenever our company has a really good year, we all get to see the owner's sweet brand new Porsche in the parking lot. Oh, that's got to be cool. Hey, Porsche. He's here, you guys, and he's driving his new Porsche. Look what we did for him. What do we always say to the sales department, Josh, when we walk

through the sales department? Well, you usually say you're welcome for your BMWs, your cabin somewhere. kind of thing. Whenever we over hear the sales department talking about their new land cruiser or their new cabin on Goal Lake, we always just say, hey, you're welcome. A couple of folks texted in who work on the lake. One individual said the perks of the gig would be he gets December and January smooth off with pay, plus the free use of boats for the weekend. I sometimes wonder when my boat's sitting at that marina. And I have a... I haven't been there in a couple weeks. Is one of the dudes maybe just using it, taking a date out there?

I mean, why not? Probably. It wouldn't be impressed by my boat. My boat will be the last one you'd want to take out there to impress a date. But sometimes I wonder if they're sneaking out there on the damn thing. Another guy who works at a marina or a gal. What do they say? Oh, I get to test drive your wave runners to make sure they're in good working order.

Oh, that's fun. Sick. Takes them for a little spinny spin. You know, back to my situation. I got a boat at a marina on Lake Minnetonka. This was a great little comedic moment. So I was taking my boat out for the very first trip of the year, and I couldn't get the damn thing started.

Of course, I'm tied to the dock, ready to go out there for the first time, and I couldn't get it started. So one of the employees gets in the boat with me, We're both kind of finger-banging the damn, you know, the throttle back and forth, you know, trying to get it going. And he does. The worker got it going. So the boat is running. He says, well, just to make sure nothing's wrong, let's take it for a spin.

And he hits that throttle. And we both went forward backward. Oh, no. We were still tied to the frigging dock. Oh, no. Did it damage everything? No, no, it wasn't that bad. Everything held into place.

But I thought, I'm glad I didn't do that. It was the dude Everyone was making fun of this poor guy He was only trying to help me But I mean he buried that throttle And we couldn't go anywhere We were still tied tight to the dock This is cool

This person said they run heavy equipment And they're able to borrow skid steers, Excavators, a dozer dump truck Even as long as he pays for the fuel F off I got a boulder wall I want to build I should work there You want a boulder wall?

I want to build one so I know that'd be fun What are you getting lawn jobs or something? lawn? No, no, no, nothing like that. A lot of folks will put boulders up in their yard to keep from the lawn. Oh, nothing like that, no. Okay, perks of the job. Our listeners text it in. What should say?

Free brownies every other Friday. Hey, that's cool. Pizza parties? People are saying pizza parties. F me. One of our listers works at a board shop where they sell skateboards and this and that.

he says he's leading me to believe that he gets all the stuff that won't sell oh that's sweet he said he like old models yeah he's got five snowboards a bmx bike a nine hundred dollar bike rack a pedal kayak and a three thousand dollar fat tire bike wow that's really cool my damn this guy's like the ultimate outdoorsman and he didn't have a dime for it delivery drivers have perks job uh josh delivery drivers have perks have to do that some perks on the job. Josh is what I meant to say. Yep.

Like, for example, this guy says, free bottles of apple juice left behind from the other drivers. Definitely apple juice. It's always so warm and bitter. I got this once or twice from people talking about their job perks, who said this. If I do my job really well, then I get to do other people's jobs also.

That sucks, right? Haven't we heard that before? Don't get too good at what you do. Don't get good at things you don't want to do. That's what I've heard. That's what it is. If there's something you don't want to do, don't get good at it because all of a sudden you're that person.

And don't finish it too fast either because that's something they definitely pile more on you. Bloody Merry Fridays. Wow, I'm surprised you can do that. Oh, yeah. I never thought about that. There's a lot of joints who they don't... Maybe they work at a bar.

It's part of the policy where they don't sell liquor, right? Yeah, we can't do that here. Company parties used to happen right in your work, Yeah, I mean, you said there's no rules, it seemed like. A few too many people got BJs and photocopied their ass cheeks and what else, you know, drove home drunk and crashed into a, so they stopped having the company parties at the actual company. I don't know what this guy does for a living, but he says the perk of his job is I can swear as much as I want. Okay. You know what?

It's the little things, I think. Like, we don't have to punch out for lunch. That's pretty cool. We don't. Honestly, those are things I appreciate. Did we ever have a company party right here in the building? Way back in the day, Josh, before. Not like a big rager or anything.

Jesus. But even like, I don't even know. Well, I take that back. We have a Christmas party at a bar every year. So I was going to say, I know events, official work events are not supposed to drink. Yeah, use it. Not that I can think of here having a bit. I mean, there are some unofficial ones.

Unificial parties here. Parties that have been hosted. The official company won with alcohol, not that I remember. But when we first started, I'm sure it was still allowed. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, it was pretty lax. At a warehouse job when I was a kid, me and a coworker went into the office. Usually us grubby warehouse guys weren't even allowed in the office because we were so filthy.

And a lot of us were unsavory characters in the first place. After hours, I don't know what the hell we were doing. We snuck into the office and we photocopied our faces and asses. and we forgot the papers on the printer. So the office people came in the next day, and we had a talking to. They didn't fire us, but they gave us a talking to

for photocopying our asses and genitalia on the... That's fun to come across, first thing in the morning. Monday morning after a holiday weekend. I think that's kind of funny. I don't know how in the hell we walked out of there without taking the evidence, but we did. All right, we got us to get out of here.

Yeah, hey, two first. Fridays in a row. You've been pumped about this from the get-go. That's pretty cool. Pretty cool. Thanks for joining us this morning. A couple of shout-outs here before we leave on our real Friday. Shout out to the SEC crew outside Framing in the heat and smoke all week, and they asked us to do something.

They said if we could tell their boss they needed a raise, that would be great. Give them a couple bucks. Papa Smurf Jesus wants to shout out his wife just to say hi, even though she's sitting right next to him. Hi. Hi. Have a great weekend. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning.

When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust Standard Heating. They're fast, reliable, and make it easy. So it's just one less thing to worry about. And if you've never tried them before, now's the time. Get $75 off your first service or tune-up. And while you're added, mention 93X. Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930.

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