93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Gram-Chowder

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

Originally Aired December 19, 2025: MN Viking long snapper Andrew DePaola. Camel kick. Everything you wanna know about Santa-philes. Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well.

Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. The comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93X-half-assed morning show. 90. It's Christmas time. Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago

when the O and the Porn Hub logo became a wreath. You know what killed me at Christmas last year, food-wise? The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12-day Advent calendar. Holy smokes, them five golden wings had me turtled oven all the way to the bathroom. I guarantee you. I ain't kidding. I could have dropped my pants and dropped the parchment. of a fair tree right there, I guarantee.

The best weapon you could ever have beating up a brother-sister growing up was that big long wrapping paper tube thing. Loved it, because it started off as a big, long staff, and you could just start smacking people with it, then the middle part would get all busted up, then the answer's still fine, then you had numtucks.

It's Christmas! Ladies and gentlemen. It's Christmas, you mother, for the weekend. Why is everyone looking at me? What was going on of that? Kind of what was going to be. Kind of looking at everybody.

Yeah, a weird face on your face. Why do I got to talk first? Well, you never said somebody else should go first. Good morning. Somebody else would have jumped in there. Maybe I just want to sit here. I mean, you knew my mindset going into this. You know how I am on F off days?

Dude, I love that. I can just hear it in your voice, too. It's awesome. Full, Jay Cutler. Dana, tell us the Jay Cutler story again. So Jay Cutler, when he played for the Chicago Bears in the offseason, he was at a brunch place, one of those places, mimosas, you know, bougie, drunky brunch places.

So we're in sweatpants and just a white t-shirt, you know, clearly didn't care, backwards hat, and he was at the urinal. And the guy was in the bathroom. He saw another guy go up to the urinal next to Jay Cutler, and he tries to start a conversation. He goes, hey, you know, I went to Vanderbilt at the same time as he, And Jay Cutler just leans his head back, looks to the sky and yells, don't care!

I'm sure he just heard that kind of stuff constantly. Oh, I'm sure he did. And you can tell, you know, he's at a brunch place, clearly had some drinks in them in the morning, some eye-openeres, and just was not in the mood for that type of small talk at the urinal. That's where it's at. Yeah. That Jay Cutler mindset, that's where I'm at.

he was fun wasn't he i enjoyed him yeah you know one of those guys he just never looked happy no matter what he seemed like one of those guys that played and played quarterback because he was naturally gifted and good at it and could make some good money but didn't really seem to care i totally agree he had the j cutler attitude yes it's ultimate f off day don't friggin care so you know we're all done at We're planning on coming back again before the new year, but things can change quickly in this business. Maybe the key doesn't work next Monday. Or what is it?

A couple Mondays from now. What is it again, Josh? This is the music industry. Oh, sure. Yeah, I've heard that before. Right? This is big time stuff. Lot of you wouldn't understand, but things can change quickly.

We love you. Thank you to all our loyal listeners who have made another miserable year tolerable. Merry Christmas. That's all I really had planned to say this morning. That's all I really had planned to say. Like I said yesterday, as far as radio shows go, today will be one of them. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I did bring in gifts for everybody. That does make me feel better.

A little holiday cheer. You shouldn't have done that. I want it to. I know. Dana, did you get an email from me already this morning? I schedule, sorry, specifically about your gift. Oh, no, you did not. I know I sent a lot of emails.

Okay, so yours, I ordered from Turkey of all places. Hell yeah. I'm big in Turkey. Two months ago or so, and it still hasn't shown up. So I've got some pictures of it. But if you don't mind, can I play Santa Claus and just kind of walk around and hand everybody their stuff? Yeah, absolutely. Take your friggin' time.

Take your friggin' time. If you could stretch this out to nine, that would be great. If this goes on and on and on and on, I'll be the happiest son bitch in the room. Josh has left his chair, and he's grabbing gifts for everyone in the room. Ashley's got a nice little gift bag there. Yeah. He truly is a... Oh, this thing is heavy.

Thank you. As he places some gifts in front of me. Josh truly enjoys this kind of a thing. He's a terrific, very thoughtful gift giver. Is that a Hanukkah bag? Christmas is so huge for Cubby. Am I looking at a Hanukkah bag? Yeah.

It's got the candles. I don't know how many of there's supposed to be. Oh, and then Josh left to go give Dana his gift. Wait a minute. I thought he just said he... Yeah, I was going to be confused. I think he said he has pictures of what it is. He must have a backup gift as well.

Of course he does. He said he ordered... Most thoughtful guy in the world. Ordered a gift for Dana all the way from Turkey. So again, to our listening audience, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, thank you for everything. I see a lot of nice text messages are coming in for us, wishing us a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Even Vegas G. Jesus texted in. I always get a kick out of that guy. So we appreciate all your texts right back at you.

Ah, Christ, somebody just texted in and said, don't forget the clam chowder story. No, that's a Christmas tradition. Damn it, I got it. I don't know if my tummy can take it. I got to squeeze that in at one point or another. I'm writing that down, the clam chowder story. What would you like us to do here, Josh Kringle? Would you like us to each open up?

Yeah, however you want to do it, this is my love language. Gifting people things that I hope they enjoy, you know, some goofy stuff that maybe they wouldn't have thought of for themselves. You don't like getting gifts, but you love giving gifts. I know, you know, I think about that because I despise getting gifts. I know you do. Oh, good thing I got you a gift. Unless it's from Ashley.

Why do you despise receiving gifts? Undeserved. And I don't know. I just feel like people should think of other things other than me, which is hypocritical because I really like to do this for other folks. Go ahead, Dana. Okay. Open up your gift from Josh.

All right. There's a card here first. It's tradition to start with that, correct? Yeah, you can just, that mostly just says what should have been here by now. But there's a whole other gift in here, too. So I'm confused by this. Okay, so I'm opening up a piece of paper here. It looks like a...

Oh, my God, it's a mini donkey Kong machine. That's amazing. Yeah, there's another one in there, too. A mini donkey Kong machine. Oh, and a mini Jurassic Park pinball machine? Yeah, there were these light-up decorations this guy makes. These are amazing, Josh. And they're like, I don't know, maybe six inches tall or so.

Yeah. Put them on a bookshelf or something. Oh, you're so thoughtful. Like you just said. Instead, things that you wouldn't think to get yourself that you probably didn't even know existed, you're the type of guy that can find this kind of stuff. That's amazing. These are like knick-knacks you can put on it.

And it light up and it's to with Dana's fate. Well, he loves video games, Donkey Kong especially, and he loves Jurassic Park. Oh, you're so thoughtful, Josh. Thank you so much. Well, hopefully I didn't get ripped off. No. So supposedly it's coming. We'll see.

What's in the bag? What's in the bag? Yeah, go ahead. Dana's now opening, reaching into his gift bag. Yeah, it's a red box. It's about the size of a bobblehead box, maybe. It looks like some sort of candle here. I'm going for it.

Ooh, candles. Oh, my God, it's a Josh Allen candle. You can put that in your Josh Allen shrine. Is it safe to light this in the studio, do you think? I don't know. Probably ill-advised, but Nick wouldn't be sad if this place burned down. No. This is beautiful.

And that would maybe finally get Nick to admit he likes Josh Allen if a Josh Allen candle burn down the studio. He'd be my favorite quarterback. So is this, Josh, that trendy bit from a couple years ago where you take your average celebrity and put them on a candle almost like you see with Jesus at the Catholic tree? That's cute. There's some chocolate buffalo wings in here, too.

My God, Josh, you're the sweetest MFer I've ever met in my life. Chocolate buffalo wings. Oh, yeah, they're shaped like wings, right? But they're made out of chocolate. I thought we were mixing chocolate with buffalo sauce, which I imagine would put a guy like me in the emergency room, I think. That doesn't sound terrible, to be honest. Oh, yeah?

Oh, Josh, you're the best. Thank you so much, man. This is awesome. You actually got Ashley presents, too? Well, mostly I got stuff for Calvin, my honorary nephew. Well, I thought maybe because of, you know, the incident that you and Ashley wouldn't exchanging gifts this year. Oh, I didn't know we had an incident. Go ahead, Ashley. You can go next. Sweet. Oh my gosh. How big can this thing be? I got the biggest bag of pistachios I've ever

seen. That's a three pounds. That's an elite status you have, isn't it? Oh my gosh. I love pistachios. Oh, has she expressed that before? Yes. Oh, well, you're not alone. Oh, my mouth is going to hurt so bad. The worst is open in those fingers. They're painful, very painful. They will give your index finger and your thumbs a good beating. They do. But you're not alone, Smashley. I love those pistachios by damn I do.

Now, she's opening her gift bag. That's a great wrapping job, by the way, Josh. You did fantastic. Well, that's nice of you to say. Love language, huh Josh? Yeah, that's my love language. Josh got me a Yeti that says definitely not alcohol. Oh, and it has my name on it.

Oh, dude. What? Well, Ashley and I, we have a water off every day. We challenge each other to drink water. It's a bit of a competition. Gets kind of heated at times. I've seen you guys throw hands in the back hallways. That's a water bottle.

That's awesome. Thank you so much. What do you mean a water off? You haven't noticed that, well, I'll ask her how many she's down. I've never really, yes, I've noticed that. Every day we kind of have a challenge to see who can drink the most bottles of water. The most bottles of water. All right.

This is the cutest thing ever. Josh got me some clothes for my son, Calvin, and they are so cute. Their car heart. I'm a car heart guy now. Dude, look at these little car heart bibs. Oh, my gosh, that is adorable. Yeah, I really want pictures, please.

My heart is going to explode when he wears these. Wow, those are legit bibs. Yeah. These are so awesome. Thank you so much. That's so sweet of you. Oh, yeah, you're welcome. Send them out to do some yard work in those.

I want to be the favorite uncle. It even has pocket. I'm going to put little things in his pockets. He can put his boggers in there. He does have a lot of them recently. Oh, I should have thought of getting him like a little toy tool belt or something to put on. He has, oh, I hope he's not listening. Just kidding.

One of his, like, stocking stuffers I got were little, like, tools that are teethers. You know, it's like a boy, boy teethers, I guess. He chews on a pipe wrench and a claw hammer. Cute. That'll be perfect. Where Josh is presenting us gifts this morning on the half-ass morning show, I have received another big bucket of mixed nuts. As Josh knows, my goal in life is to get a terrible case of kidney stones.

It's worth it. Don't they say that nuts cause... I think the salt, right? The salt or something. I'm not 100% sure how that works. Yum. Thank you, Covey. I do love to blast cashews and all.

almonds and whatnot into my yap from now and again. I'm also looking at a gift bag, a beautiful gift bag. This could be a candle like what Dana received a minute ago. Looks like a similar box, yeah. This is Josh. I think if you do it on the side, it's easier. You and I can do it on the side. If he can keep a secret.

Oh, I can keep a secret. Okay. Yeah, let's see what I got here. Let's see what character is on my candle. Oh, it's Jalen Hertz. I wish I would have presented to you earlier in the year. It might have been more meaningful. Oh, he's going to be fine.

When he wasn't close to getting benched. That looks so cool. It's Philadelphia Eagles starting quarterback, probably the best quarterback in the National Football League. Jalen Hertz, oh, I'll burn this tonight and make satanic chance. You know, as soon as you said burn this tonight, I pictured you sitting cross-legged on the floor. with like a, what is that, a pentagram?

Yeah. Are they out of the playoffs? I have no idea. Dana, do you know? No, they're still good to make the playoffs. Oh, maybe you can light that and get them in. I'll have lots of fun with my Jalen Hertz candle. Thank you, Josh.

And yeah, maybe between me and Satan, we can get that Eagles team cooking again. There's more presents in this gift bag. More, I said. This appears to be some piece of clothing. I'm going to have to crack open the plastic here because I can't make out what it is. It appears to be a t-shirt. Oh.

Oh, wow. Is this the bang boat? It is the bang boat. Oh, my God. How did you find that? Did you make that? Is this from those local dudes? Yeah, soda stick?

Yeah. Oh, they are so great. They make all the gimmicky Minnesota sports t-shirts. And they do it so fast if something, some fun. news breaks. They're on it right away. This is a purple T-shirt and on the front of the shirt it has the

actual bang boat from what really I think goes down in history as the finest moment the Vikings have ever had. This year was the 25th or 20th anniversary.

20th anniversary. That's just wonderful. Look at the bangboat, Ashley. I want to get on that thing today. Oh, so do I. That's so great. With some hookers from Mississippi or whatever the hell they did back in the day. Dildos all over the.

Yeah. They had a real big party. They had a great time. They had a good time. And we're not even done yet because Josh always, he goes for it. What the hell? This is a stick of right here. I like to, I don't shower all the time.

but I certainly throw a little pit stick on, right? Yeah, I'm a daily deodorant user, not a daily shower. Full people into thinking that I'm a clean person. Josh has purchased me for Christmas. Stone Cold Steve Austin deodorant. That's awesome. What's it smell like? It smells like a stone cold.

It's like a can of whoop ass. It's called, the flavor is called Stone Cold Stunner. Is that what I'm looking at, Josh? Oh, yeah. Odor squatching deodorant. Stone Cold Steve Austin's Stone Cold Stunner flavor. That is such a cool, cool stick design. It probably smells, who said whoop asked, right.

Oh, I'm going to be, I'm going to be the most delicious man in the room with that. Hands down. Oh, and Stone Cold Steve Austin, is this bar soap? Yeah, there's soap in there. And Ray Mysterio. bar soap. Oh, cool. I'm gonna 619 your pits. Boi-ca-boo-ya-co-6-19. I'm gonna smell like I came straight out of the 6-1-9. That's outstanding

cubby. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Thank you, I appreciate it. Much too generous as always. I gotta open yours. Yeah, now you have to open my gift. What a character of this guy is, this cubby. And I got Dana 1-2, but Nix is still not here. I told them it was going to be life-changing, though. You ordered something? It hasn't arrived yet. No. And you called it life-changing.

Yeah. Very much looking forward to that. I need to thank you, Nick, for the gift card to Menards. Oh, Ollie is, if you haven't noticed, Ollie is should be expecting gift cards from me and my wife. Oh, awesome. So check your emails and such. Check your emails. That's insane.

There must be, you guys must know me. Ashley got me a Menard's hoodie. Nice. Would they kick me out if I wore this to go use my gift card at Menards? I guarantee my dad has one as well. I guarantee he's worn his to Menards as well. You know your dad and I are neighbors. We should go.

Yeah, you get a little Menards visit. Let me get a look at that. I didn't get a look at this. Oh, yeah. When I... Oh, yeah, I see those hanging when I swing through Menards. Those are good-looking hoodies. Yeah, thank you.

Of course. This is awesome. And thank you to Calvin. I saw he was a part of the gift giving. Yeah, yep, he's on the name take. He's not on Dana's name take, though. Mine was addressed to bitch pits. Yeah.

That was very nice. Yep. Josh, the fun thing about when I went and got that, I asked the person. And I was like, where's your guys? Dana's opening up the gift that I gave them. Oh, oh, oh. I asked, where's the apparel section?

And the young girl kind of looked at me like I was crazy. Like, why would you want apparel from here? Seriously? That's funny. I suppose, yeah, you work someplace. The last thing you want to do is wear their product. Right now, Dana, you're opening the gift that Ashley got for you. By the way, as I said, Sardin, as I said that, I realized Ashley is wearing a 93X shirt.

Yeah. This is the only one. I love this one. It's nice. What do you got, son? Oh, this is lovely. Ashley got me a beautiful Lego Ponsetta. Yeah, I figured your wife is probably sick of like the kitty-looking Lego sets you have all around.

My Nintendo sets and other things like that. Yeah. Yeah, we actually could display this in the actual living room and not hide it in the basement closet. That's really. And you have a dog, and so you can't have a real Ponsetta because they're poisonous. You snap together some Legos and it looks like a poinsetta. flower. We received a real one as a gift. We got two dogs. Are we bad dog owners?

Just make sure they don't eat it. Uh-oh. They made the whole thing. I put milk bones in there. Thank you, Ash. That was so thoughtful. No problem. It's a glorious thing we got going here this morning. Merry Christmas to all of my coworkers here. Cubby, you continue to be the light of my life. Well, the feeling is more than mutual. Dana, you're one weird dude. in a good way. But I think of you the way I think of my bro, Squirrel.

Yeah, yeah? Buddies for life, I think. Squirrel is one of the nicest people I've ever met. He's all right. And he's a hard worker. Ashley, we've learned to coexist despite, you know, what you did. Are you referring once again to the incident? Right.

We've learned to coexist. It's going on today. You know what you did. I mean, you know what you did. One day I'll forgive you. but it's going to take time. Most of our listeners know how we operate on Fridays. We'll talk to Vikings' long snap, pimp, Andrew D. Paola.

Kind of a sad day. Did we put him in the Pro Bowl again? Have they announced it? They haven't announced yet. We've been checking every day. It sure seems like it. Dana, you had a funny comment yesterday. I asked you, I'm like, has anybody seen what's going on?

And you mentioned that he had a lead and that people probably aren't rushing to go for their long snapper in the Pro Bowl, right? Right. It's usually the quarterback, the running back, the wide receiver. Not too many teams, I think, are just jonesing for their long snapper to get in the Pro Bowl. So I think if the fact that he was in the lead going into the final day, I have a hard time believing he got caught. Well, we'll talk to him at 8, no, 730 in the morning and he'll probably have an answer for us. I bet that the Brotherhood and Sisterhood put him in the Pro Bowl again. They do every year. And I bet he'll be very appreciative. Last time we get a chance to talk to him this season. Oh, I don't

care. And we'll also, some poor listener will join us on air against his or her will to make some purple pickum predictions. Sorry, I came off very cold-blooded. Last time we're doing purple pick-um, isn't it? I don't care. You also don't care. I like Andrew and everything. I'm kidding. It's F-off day. I just want everything to come to an end. Jay Cutler, you're telling me. J, F me running Cutler, man. So there you go. I thought maybe because it's our ultimate F-off day, I thought, Cubby, maybe we could go back to something we did in the early days of this year program.

I thought maybe you could do your old favorite bit, the Friday morning fart song. Do you have a Friday morning fart song? I don't have one of those. Remember back in the day we always did the Friday morning fart song? Now I've got to find that. Kind of sad I wasn't here for that. I'm not. What? What? What? What? We're talking about?

Ah, it's a joke. We never did the Friday morning fart song, but Josh and I have this favorite comedy bit that refers to it. What was that comic's name? I'm looking it up. Dave. God darn it. Davey. Wavy Dave.

Not waivey Dave. He was on Arrested Development. He was. Jumping Jim. Terrible Tom McPherson. Sitting Jim. He was in the Blue Man group. I can't believe I can't remember his name. Did you guys watch that?

No. Fast Eddie Carbone. David Cross? David Cross. Yeah, I got to find that bit. He was in the Blue Man group? That group that ran around painted Blue. In the show he was.

In the show. I thought the Blue Man Group was a bunch of wacky artists in Las Vegas. Right. Yeah, Rested Development kind of had a bit on it, I'm saying. I don't know. I don't know these people. And his character, Tobias Funk, he was a never nude. He would never take his full.

you never get fully undressed. He would shower and clothes. This is a real person or a television character? It's a television character. Well, because Josh, you're a real never nude. Correct. Yeah, we have that in common. Anytime you talk about it, like, you know, never wanting to take her clothes off or leaving, you know,

shirts on during sex, I was thinking of Tobias Funk from Arrested Development, who's played by David Cross. Now, wasn't he also some sort of analyst and therapist? Yes, that sounds right, yeah. Is it an alerapist? which looks pretty bad on a business card. I'll tell you what, so he did this bit about DJ's sucking, morning radio sucking, and it hit kind of close to home.

It hurt a little bit, and at the time we did work with a guy who had an animal name. But the worst part about doing clubs is if you're headlining, you have to fly in early so that you can get up extra early in the morning the next day and do the morning zoo crew, you know, drive time radio to promote the show. And it's the worst, man. That is a fucking nice. mirror. Even if it's 15 minutes, it's the worst 15 minutes of your fucking life always. I don't care if you've been in a shark attack. I would rather, if I was in a shark attack,

and then they had no anesthetic and they had a heal it up and they sew it up, I'd be like, this sucks. But then if two DJs came in to interview me, I'd fucking shoot myself. I'd be like, that's it, I'm done, man. And they're the same everywhere, all across the country. They're all the same two motherfuck asshole clowns. You know, these guys, there's all, you know, it's two guys, too nutty guys, you know, they're crazy. You know, and they all have the same Lewinsky jokes. They're still telling. It's always two guys with, like, Hawaiian shirts on, you know.

You can tell they just did a pound of blow, like four hours earlier. There's always, like, two guys. There's always this guy who talks like this. And he's always named after some kind of animal. He's always the bear or the cooter, you know, or whatever. And then there's his partner who talks like this. So it's this guy, and this guy, and he's always the madman. Or the crazy doctor.

You know, all right, you're listening to KZ-103. Kansas City's home of the rock. We've got the best alternative rock, stained Lincoln Park, P-O-D, the best news sound. Oh, it's the worst, man. You know, it's like, all right. Yeah, well, we're here with funny man, David Cross. David, you didn't know it, but you're just in time to help us out with the Friday morning fart song. What?

No. I'm not going to do that. All right. You're here with the gator and the lunatic. So funny. But first hour to go, oh, my God, is he talking about us? The beginning hurt a little. It does sting.

Worse than a shark attack. And I get it. I totally understand. That's us, dude. Oh, man. That's us to the core. Very humbling. You act like that used to be us.

That's still us. Oh, yeah, totally. I've always wanted to be gator or the lunatic. You are, you're not very gator-like, and you're not a lunatic. But I want to be the guy that talks like this. You can go ahead and, you know, recreate your on-air persona. How long do you think you could take it?

Yeah, do the whole show in that voice, John. Oh, God. Do your news in that voice. I would go insane. I don't want. Somebody would show up at the station and set it on fire like Nick wants. Yeah, we know this stuff sucks, you know. But David Cross is the guy who reminded us.

He really pointed out pretty on the nose. I mean, he really did. He nailed it, especially like late 90s, early 2000s radio. Oh, big time. The Hawaiian shirts, too? How did he know? Well, I know he knows because he goes around the country and does these morning shows. Well, what he did was, yeah, he perfectly described some characters that we used to see every day in this building.

I've always thought of us as kind of the... The home of the rock! You've got to shout that out, too. You probably just woke some people up. When you are the home of the rock, you don't whisper that. I mean, rock resides here. When you got that new sound, you got it put on full display. Next Friday, we'll get around to the Friday morning fart song.

Have we ever had him on? Yes. Okay. I thought maybe we did. Before that bit? No, after. Yeah. Oh, I would be so intimidated to have him on after hearing that.

We didn't spend a lot of time with him. He didn't seem terribly interested. And neither were we, to be totally honest with it. Well, let's do the roses bit then. If we're not going to do the Friday morning. Can we do the roses bit? Can we call someone and say, hey, we're going to give you some roses? And they go, well, sure, I want to send them to Kelly.

And then we well, that's not your girlfriend. And then we all just, we go crazy. We're rolling around on the floor, right? Let me ask you something. Because Kelly's not his wife. But we bought him some roses and he said, I want it. But Kelly's not his wife. Right, yeah.

Well, his wife is on the phone the whole time. She's on the phone, listening. Has anyone ever just said, you know what I'd like to do? My wife is like the perfect woman. This is great. I'd like to send them to my wife. Did anybody ever send them to their significant other? Ever?

It seemed like there's a lot of cheaters out there. There are. Your old morning show did that. Were you on at the time? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Vomit.

Everybody did it. Yeah, it was kind of like a thing. Everybody hated it. It was so dumb. And you know what? I've also learned, too, from radio that when they do the second date update, it doesn't really go well.

There's always drama there. It's never a perfect match, is it? I caught a couple of those, and I don't know if they're true. I don't know that bit. I know all about it because my daughter will, she'll text me, okay, here's what's going on on second date update.

She loves it. Is it K-102? It's one of the country stations. I can't remember which one exactly. The home of the country. The wolf. I don't know that one. You guys have to explain that one to me.

Oh, Jesus, look at what time it is. It's the home of the rock. It's early. It's early in the morning. Dingo and the baby. Crazy Iron the douche. It's our special Ultimate F-off Day, final, final Christmas show. That's how we're going to say it all day.

I already forgot what I said. The special, final, final, something Christmas show maybe? Yeah, something like that. We'll take a break. When we come back, we'll hit up the, I've got to get to the clam chowder story. Jesus, Paul. We'll get to the stupid news when we come back on the Half-Ass Morning Show. The 93-X Half-Ast Morning Show.

What's going on, podcast, Pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should, too. An AC-tuned-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you.

Don't suffer. Bialke law today. 763-571-2410 or go to bialkeelaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C-I, host of the stacking Benjamin's podcast. Most economists agree. Small amount of inflation is actually good.

2% is what you're going for. But why is everybody freaking out? Oh, because it's the fallout. People don't track their budget. You have this slow slipping that happens every month. So all of a sudden you go, man, I don't have any money. reason is now two people go to a restaurant. The bill is $60 for two.

Two guys walk into a restaurant. They start screaming. Isn't that hilarious? $60. Oh! Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. No effort. Don't want to. Hashtag can't even.

Just taking my time. Staff off day. What was that? noise about stupid news yeah yeah got it right here i do cubby there's trouble in wisconsin other than the obvious they're calling it quote neighbor drama what do you usually do with all your drama josh well number one you got to save it for your mama you have to i've been so lucky that i've never had neighbor drama i've had like an h o a that was a little bit of a pain in the butt but nothing compared to what you hear from other people um but i you know i i i

I can't imagine. I've had friends who have a hatred for their neighbors and vice versa. We talked not too long ago about the neighbors in Chocopi that made the news how much they hate each other. Ashley, I know you got an issue with one of your neighbors. Yep. Wouldn't it be something, Cubby, if suddenly I developed a hatred for your neighbors? I don't, well, I'll tell you what. Those sons, every time I go to your house, there they are.

I don't know if you guys noticed this when you came over the summer, but one of my neighbors, he's, I get along with them real well. but he is a cranky old guy, like real cranky. He has, I'm going to say, no less than 10 keep off signs around his property. Oh, wow. Did not notice. That's excessive. I don't know who he's wanting to keep off his lawn. Of course, I talked to my kid.

I'm thinking, like, hey, are you cutting across his lawn or something? Because obviously he's pissed off. We've never done it. I've never seen anybody there, he said. So I don't see. Can deer read? We have a lot of deer that go through the neighborhood. That amount of keep off signs would make me want to keep on.

Yeah, when you're like a teenager. Oh, yeah, that would just entice me to just trample that guy's lawn. So like I said, he's an, I wouldn't say a nice guy, but we were affable. I've seen him kind of treat some workers poorly. He's got a hard on about his yard. Oh, yeah, and it is a very nice lawn. Let me ask you this. If he steps up to you, you're going to put him to sleep?

Sadly, I don't think I can take him. What if he steps to you? I don't think I can take him. Drama in Wisconsin. Neighbor drama. Let me see where this goes. Out there in silly Wisconsin, like I said. Sounds like in one particular neighborhood, oh, this is just wonderful.

There are a couple of dudes who volunteer to snow blow everybody's sidewalk and everybody driveway anytime it snows. That's awesome. On this particular block in this particular neighborhood, there are two guys who do that for everybody, except for one person. That's pretty funny. Yeah, I like that.

Just picturing these guys getting up to that person's walkway and having to go down a driveway, go through the street, back up the driveway, and get the next person. That's pretty funny. Just go around it. They do it for everybody, but, won some bitch. So a gal in this neighborhood,

she jumped on over to that TikTok setup and told the story. Christina is the name she's going with. The snowblow dudes, she says, actually have a friendly competition every time it snows to see who can clear the driveways and sidewalks the fastest with their snowblowers.

but there's one neighbor on the street that they don't like. So they don't touch his property. Everyone else's driveway, sidewalk, clean as a whistle. Other guy? Mountains of snow. In this TikTok video, Christina, did I say her name? Was Christry? Yes.

She points in the video, she points to a house at the end of the street with the sidewalk and driveway still covered in snow. And she says, that's the guy. She went on to say that the guy, he's the youngest guy on the block. But despite being very able and in good health, he refuses to help his older neighbors clear the sidewalk and driveway that he shares with them. They share the same driveway. This guy's whatever, 22. The folks that share the driveway with him are 75. He doesn't do anything for them.

You see what's going on here? Yeah. I like it. So that's what they hold against this younger neighbor. He never lifted a finger for the old folks that live on either side of him. And also, apparently, there was another episode with this young guy got loaded and was acting like a dick. So the two volunteer guys who snow blow everybody else's driveway after a snowstorm, they leave the young guy off their route. The young guy, as you might say, gets left out in the cold.

Word is, the young guy has gone ahead and hired a professional snow removal service to plow his driveway. I wonder if it even dawns on the young guy, Josh, that he's the neighborhood, Jabroni. You've got to know. Maybe. I mean, sometimes people are so delusional that they, you know, there's no way they could ever be at fault for anything. So everybody else is the gibroni, and he's like the. good guy on the block in his mind. I would see the humor in that. I wouldn't want to be the neighborhood dickhead,

but I would think it's kind of funny if everything's plowed but mine. That's a pretty good bit. What did I do? Yeah, you should help out the old folks, but this guy's probably inside just playing Xbox or something like that. He don't care. Yeah, and he's got a plow guy now. That's prestigious.

That's how you do it right there. That's the way to do it. Let's dial into some holiday season. nonsense by God. It's that time of year. We were talking about one of those nativity scenes a couple days ago. If you remember, a couple of dickrods out there in Germany walked up on a nativity scene with real donkeys set up on scene. And the German dick rods, they punched the two donkeys in their adorable, harmless donkey faces. P-pa.

Yeah, still mad about this. Just terrible behavior. I would think you could break a hand doing something like that. I got a tough face, them donkeys. I know this from donkey punching. Stop punching donkeys, Josh. We talked about this. I love the donkey puncher.

You do. You're good at it as well. You know it. Here's one where things kind of went the other way. In Houston, Texas, a lady got camel-toed. So some wacky nativity scene that even had a couple of damn real camels in the mix. They were putting on a show in an auditorium type of a joint. And by damn, one of the camels upped and kicked a lady smooth in the face.

Just a giant, dirty, turd-covered camel-hoof shot right to the damn mush. Surviving something like that is pretty incredible. I can't imagine how much that would hurt. Isn't there a camel kick, wrestling move or something or a fighting move? This doesn't sound familiar to me, but, you know, I mean, we're both. You and I both seasoned martial artists. You would have thought that. And we are trained professional wrestlers.

You would have thought we would have heard that before. Are you thinking of the camel clutch? Oh, you're thinking of a... No, I was thinking camel kick. Okay, I don't. The camel clutch was made famous by the late great iron chic. Anyway, there's video of this silliness. Apparently, the camel handler was a walking the camels down the aisle of this auditorium.

People on either side of the aisle. everyone is seated. One of the camels didn't like the looks of one lady, apparently, and it gave her like a Charlie Murphy-style karate kick straight into the poor lady's jaw line. Remember when Charlie Murphy gave Rick James that front kick, and he went sailing into the mirror? Remember that?

Oh, yeah. And then he said, I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy, I got too high, right? But this was like a back kick. The camel did a back kick. right into the gal's jaw line. A chin check from a camel, dude. I'm surprised her chin didn't check into the next county. I bet they could pack quite a kick.

But yeah, people are saying I must have combined donkey kick with camel clutch. I bet I did. So here comes the ambulance now. They say that this gal is recovering in the hospital, likely eating nothing but pudding and soup. There's no way any of her chicklets survived that impact. No, yeah, she's going to be eating through a straw. No way.

Can you imagine, like, explaining that to your health insurance? Now you've got to tell me again, what happened? What are they doing walking camels down the aisle of a packed auditorium? They're too big for that. Yeah, I'm with you on that. That's weird. I know they're trying to put on a dramatic, you know, they're trying to put on a a dramatic reenactment of the birth of Jesus H. Christ and make it as authentic as possible.

But come on. Some kid's mom was just force-fed a big dirty camel hoof. Does the show go on at that point? Did they cancel it? Does it? They take a short break. I don't know. I don't know.

I saw the video where it seemed like they must have had loud music going or something because it seemed like a great majority of the crowd didn't notice what happened. Okay. And then they're suddenly all left. looking around going, oh, Christ, is this gal going to die? It's one authentic nativity scene. Is that how folks catch? I like those.

The authentic ones like that. What have you seen before? Very similar to this. You seen camels? Yeah, the whole, like, the wise. I got a story actually about this guy. The wise men. Yeah, the wise men, camels, Jesus, Mary Joseph.

You know, the Santa. F me running. It's like the original. Is that how folks catch that hand, foot, and mouth syndrome, or whatever that is? Yeah, eating a hoof? Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh. That's exactly how.

You ever had that before? So many kids around, so many camels. Have you caught that before? No. Thankfully not. How cool was Joe Camel back in the day, though? Oh, he was cool. I love Joe, the cigarette mascot.

Sure. I thought he was the coolest. Is he still around? I don't know. I think they had to stop doing a cartoon advertisement for things like cigarettes. Because of how cool we all thought it was. Yeah, exactly. A couple people have texted in reminding us, oh, absolutely.

Yeah, we remember this, that goofy bastard Adrian Biederson. What a doofus. Rode a camel into one of his birthday parties. Like his 30th birthday or something? That dude's not all there. Not even by a long shot. Speaking of nativity scenes, one of my favorite stories from my buddies, we were drinking beers on one summer day and in the garage,

listening to Twins game on the radio just hanging out. And a neighbor down the street was having a garage sale. So me and my buddy, we wandered down there. And one of the things they had was this beautiful nativity set, a full-on nativity set. And we're kind of looking at it, like, wow, it's kind of cool. And the guy who's running the garage sale comes up and says, yeah, what do you guys think? Are you interested? My buddy goes, how much are just baby Jesus?

What are you going to do with that, sir? And he goes, well, you know, that kind of takes away from the rest of the set. If I don't have the baby Jesus. And he goes, 20 buffs for baby Jesus. He goes, all right, yeah, deal. Yeah, so everybody walked away with baby Jesus. What? Just baby Jesus.

Only one he wanted on the whole set. They had everybody in there. I'm not surprised the dude would sell that. I mean, that's like the pretty, that's the most important one. That's the prominent part, yeah. You got to know how to haggle. Is that the word haggle? Yeah.

What did he do with baby Jesus? I don't remember. I think he just put him next to his Dale Earnhardt action figure. So you've been to one of these deals, Josh, with real animals and they play out the whole thing. Oh yeah, it's cool. It's cool. I love it. So our church is... And then you all begin to sing and whatnot? Yeah, so the church... I mean, I've gone to many churches, but the one I grew up and they didn't

go that elaborate, but they did have a reenactment, you know, every Christmas and Easter, there'd be reenactments of all this, so it would be scaled down. Did you pet the camel? No, no, they wouldn't let you anywhere near the camel. But they had some sheep you could pet if you wanted to. Sheep? Yeah, light, peatments. petting that heavy petting. And you really like that. You like that show. You get yourself right up to the

front row. Oh, I think it's great. He's elbowing kids out of the way. I didn't see baby Jesus. That would just be so bizarre to me. I've been seeing, I don't know, probably because all I watch are like mom videos online. But I thought you'd get a kick out of this, Josh. It's about how Mary, right? She has baby Jesus, my correct?

That's right. All right. So she just gives birth and she just gets baby Jesus down to sleep. And then here comes the dude that drums. What's his name? John Bonham. I guess there's a guy that comes and he's drumming in the Bible. The little drummer boy. Yeah, and she's pissed off because I just got baby Jesus to sleep.

The little drummer boy wakes the baby. Yeah, I'd be upset too. Yeah, by the way, hey, frankincense and mur. Wow, thanks so much. You guys really went out of your way. appreciate those gifts. That's what I should gift people. Go back to the OG.

What's that? You know, the three wise men, the gifts they brought were stupid. What is it that they give again? Franken's, what is it? Let me see if I'm pronouncing these right. The only three wise men I know was the shot that we used to do when we were 21, and it was awful. There's really a shot called? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and don't tell me. Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and go ahead. Someone tell me. It's a Jose Cuervo? That could be it. Yeah, I can't remember. I just remember it would end your night, but we were all tough guys, you know, 21. Oh, we got to do a three-wise.

All right, what was in a stoplight? Go ahead. Stoplight. I should know that. I don't know that one. That's a thing. It was red, yellow, and green, of course, but I don't know what the hell. I never went along with that gimmick.

Some of those churches, man, I'll tell you what, they go all out for this kind of thing. Yeah? Like, I just got sent a video of my older kids, their grandma, her church. like it's a rock show there's people suspended from the ceiling doing weird I shouldn't say weird doing elaborate dances

that's a little saucer it's Johnny Walker by the way John there it is John Walker That's a clever name That's a clever name for that drink Yeah that is that's cute The 3 Js too Yeah that stuff

Kind of rubs me the wrong way Sometimes Josh the huge production Oh really? I think it's cool Like how are you affording this? Well, that's that 20 bucks you put in. It's that basket. Oh, yeah. Do they still do that?

That's still a prominent bit at the church, yeah. At least the churches I've gone to you again. All right. Somebody tell it to me straight here. Is this for real? Santa Files, adults who are sexually attracted to Chris F. and Kringle. Oh, yeah. I've heard of this.

I could see that being a thing. So that's honestly a thing. or just another cute, made-up social media gimmicks, Santa Files. It's a thing, yeah. I don't understand. I think Santa's just, you know, cute and jolly. I don't find him sexually attractive whatsoever. Ashley, did you watch Hot Frosty last year or the year before?

Hot Frosty? Yes, yes, I did. It was like a sexy Santa Claus, like one of those Hallmark movies. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah, it was. I remember hearing about it. I must have blocked that out. My wife will watch those horribly acted cheesy, predictable hallmark love story movies.

Is it the Hallmark Channel? Yeah, I like them every now and then. It's the same recipe every time. Of course. A gal in her 40s comes back to her adorable hometown after a divorce, right, goes back to work in a gift shop or something boring, right? She's taking a break from her office job, changing her life around. Right. Here I am. I'm in my 40s.

never meet a man. Here comes some dick bag. You'll never see more men wearing flannel shirts. I'll never meet a man and she's the most gorgeous woman you've ever seen. Right, right. And her high school sweetheart happens to come into the coffee shop she got a job at or she's sitting at. Every now and then they'll throw in a twist though. Like he will still have a girlfriend and then she just breaks up a relationship. We're supposed to think it's adorable. You'll never see more men wearing right off the shelf flannel shirts than than if you watch these Hallmark Christmas love stories. And at first she's not sure, but then they have a couple of drinks. And the town is just so beautiful on Christmas.

I mean, my God, it's just so picturesque and they fall in love. That channel, Hallmark Channel and all those movies and stuff, are so popular. Oh, I love them. It seems like a lot of people, I can't really get into it, but. They're feel good. Like the good thing about them being predictable is, you know, you know. You're going to feel happy at the end of it. They're going to fall in love and get married and have kids.

Has anybody watched Holiday Touchdown on a Buffalo Bill's Love Story on the Hummerchannel? No, not yet. No. Have you? Of course I did. Was it good? More than once? No, just once so far.

Josh, or what's his name again over there? That's Dana. Dana, the world's most fierce terrorist group couldn't force me to watch that movie. Dana, did you watch it alone? No, I watched it with my wife. She liked it. There's no torture that could get me to say, okay, I'll watch the movie. Nothing.

Same with all those Kansas City Chiefs movies they puked on us a couple years ago. Now, let me ask you this. What if it's either that or an Adam Sandler movie? And I'm chained to a wall and I'm hooked to a car battery. There's like a gun to a beloved friend or family member of yours head. And you got to watch one of them. And I got to watch one of them. Yeah, you have to.

The Bill's Chief's love story or something by Sandler? Yep. Flip the switch on that car battery. I won't give in, Covey. You just wrestle the gun away and put it to your own head at that point? We don't negotiate with terrorists. I kind of want to see it now. What do you want to see?

That Buffalo Bill's love story. What did you call it again? Holiday touchdown to Buffalo Bill's love story. I'm totally going to watch it. Dude, if you elbow your way to the front row of a live nativity scene, then, yeah, I think the Buffalo Bill's Christmas love story is perfect for you. Yeah, I don't know. Some of those are a little too cheesy.

I like the cheese, though. It's always the same thing. It's the most beautiful girl in the world. Ho-hum, I'm never going to find a guy. And then, you know, they ugly. or up with glasses and putting her hair in a ponytail or something. The she's all that effect.

Yeah. All right. We started talking about Santa Files. And we're leaving folks hanging here. Oh, sorry. I forgot how we started. Don't care. Jay Cutler, ultimate F off day.

A lot of folks probably hanging on our every word. They want to know about these Santa Files. Adults who are apparently attracted, sexually attracted to Santa Claus. Here's what I have for you. a 25-year-old content creator. Is that what they're calling

only fans, women now, content creators? Yeah, they're all content creators. Is that what they are? But, I mean, yeah, it could also just be like influencers. They call them content creators. This one goes by the name of Cassidy Cosa.

And by the way, she spells Cassidy, K-A-S-I-D-I-E. Oh, that's why. Why? Because she's different. It's different. Cassidy Cosa. She's quoted in this year's story. She says she's a Santa Fio.

No, you're not. You're not buying it? She first got horny for St. Nick while watching an old Tim Allen film called Santa Claus. I like that one. I watch those every year. I've already watched them this year, actually. She says, quote, the dad bods are next level. I don't care if they have abs. Give me the pudge.

Are dad bods still the thing? Yeah. They're still like women find that attractive. Yeah, that'll always be a thing for me. I don't like, no offense to anybody, but I'm not a fan of, like, big muscles. Well, no offense taken, but I understand. This girl, I don't think she owns a swimsuit top that fits. Yeah, she's shopping in the wrong section.

Yeah, but, yeah, I'm supposed to believe that she's into Santa Claus. She could have probably any dude she wants. You think she's just doing it for the attention. Yeah. Do you want to see this girl? Sure. That's a bold statement that maybe she's just doing it for the money or for the attention. Oh, she's a voluptuous young lady.

Yeah. She's got curves in all the right places. She got an ass like a $2 mule. I never liked the song I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. I didn't like the idea that my mom would cheat on my dad, especially with somebody like Santa Claus. It always bothered me. That one was heartbreaking for you?

Until I realized later on, you know, why that song exists and what it really means. Well, tell us. Tell us what it really means. Case there's kids in the car, I'm not going to bring it up. Tell us what it means. I will not. There's not a car battery strong enough to get me to divulge that if there's kids in the car. You never like that song about mom, French kissing.

So this gal says she first got horny for Santa Claus when she watched the Tim Allen. movie. Oh, one of those no-it-all hippie-dippy sex doctors is in this article, too, a dude named Jeffrey or something. He says some people might be turned on by Santa Claus because Santa has a BDSM vibe. Now, hang on, follow this now if you can. Santa has a BDSM vibe.

After all, he says, Santa tells you if you've been good or bad and then he rewards or punishes you. Stop. Stop it. Right? I mean, I guess I can see the logic, but it's still kind of disturbing. Like one of those? You ever been in one of those BDSM showdowns?

No, not even just one of those letters. I've never had any of that kind of stuff. They knock you around, slap you upside down. Or maybe you're the one delivering the punishment, right? Hell yeah. You call that a penis? You've hollered that at a guy, having you, Ashley, while hitting him with that paddle.

Did the paddle get put away? Or is it still hanging on your wall? It's in the spare bedroom somewhere in the box. Gotcha. Yeah. Once my husband's mom started coming over to babysit the dogs, I thought, you know, this doesn't need to be out. What's in the box?

Yeah. I felt a little odd. Back to this cadacy. How do you say? Say the name? Cassidy. Cassidy. The content creator.

She calls herself a Santa baby. You know, so some call it a Santafile. She likes to call herself a Santa baby. She's totally hot for Santa Claus. She admits she has daddy issues. She says, for some reason, the older I get, the older I want. The gray hair, the pudge. is so irresistible.

Another gal is quoted in here saying she got damp for Santa years ago. Oh, man. Why do you have to phrase it like that? You want to know how it started, Ashley? Yeah, I guess. She got damp for Santa when she saw an off-duty mall Santa taking a break from the kids smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. That was hot, she said.

I think those mall santa's deserve a cigarette and a beer after their shifts. Yeah, definitely. It's a lot of work, I bet. She used to also make a point every Christmas to go to the mall with her girlfriends to sit on Santa's lap. And one time, Santa said, oh, ho, ho, you know, right, you're a grown person, but you're sitting on my lap. How tired do the mall Santa's get of that routine? Oh, I bet that sucks. Isn't this ironic, Santa?

I'm 37 years old, but I'm sitting on your lap. This is going to look so good on Instagram. Right. Yeah, and I'm sure a lot of those people think they're the first and it's their joke. Yep. You know, the dude just wants to pick you up by your neck and throw you away. Anyway, this gal said one time she sat on Santa's lap as a grown person. And he asked her what she wanted for Christmas.

And he whispered in his ear, she said, I want you. Yeah. Dude, that's probably somebody's grant. Get out of here. Weirdo. I just dried up. That was awful. Yeah.

Not damp anymore? No. It's gone. Moisture. Gone. There haven't been enough studies done on Santafealia to determine how many people have this problem. We're on the ground level here, Cubby, of Santa Files or Santophilia. Porn websites have reported that searches for Santa-themed porn takes off this time of year every year.

You like that stuff? Do you get into the Santa-themed porn? of porn? No, no, not at all. I wonder if I brought a Santa outfit into the boudoir if my wife would kick me out. I'd kick you out if you ever said boudoir. I'll tell you that.

I imagine if you included like a strap on belly. Strap on? Like I want like, you know, to actually, like a big belly. So you look like a... A heavy guy? Yeah. But I mean, like the regular suit? I wouldn't be mad if my husband came into the

bedroom and like a regular Santa's suit. I mean, there's There's a built-in sack joke. You could say something like, you know, I don't, he doesn't just come down the chimney. I'll tell you that right now. Or she's, never mind. The Boudoir.

She's wearing a t-shirt that says the chimney. I don't know if you can even go to that route or not. Josh, maybe an arrow pointing somewhere. Some folks are turned on just, by the spirit of Christmas. They don't need to see Santa or Rudolph or whoever they're horny for. Just the spirit of Christmas gets them tugging at their fly like it's a window shade.

I love Christmas, but not that much. No, I think, I don't know, maybe these people just didn't have the best childhoods, because when I think of Christmas, I just think of being a little kid. And, yeah, like family, family vibes. I'm with you on that. I don't get churred on by Christmas. I think maybe if my wife dressed up as much. Mrs. Claus or a sexy elf or something like that.

That'd be kind of cool. You can still use that sack joke. Like a candy cane or something? One final Santa Feleack or Santa Feal or whatever it is has a quote here. They say, there's something about a big fat man taking care of you. I'm glad people found something they like. There's a little bit of everything out there, Josh.

Yeah. Is it Rule 34, right? If it's out there, somebody gets turned down by it. Never thought of it before that Santa has a BDSM vibe. I don't want to think about it. The whole naughty, nice thing. Because when you're naughty, you slap right across the ass, right? I'm the only one who's played this game, aren't I?

I've never played it, no. I knew the game existed. But I've never, I'm on the bench for that one. Yeah, it's kind of like rugby. I know it exists. I just don't really know the rules or how exactly goes. down. I'm going to ask Randy Schaver if he's damp for Santa when we get him on

the... You know, the old Randy... Let's do that. The old Randy would have shot that down. Why, he might say. But the new Randy might go along with it. Used puck bag, Jesus, brought up the idea. I'm going to ask Shaver if he's damp for...

Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. Yeah, it's that time here again. Awesome is Christmas party time. Where co-workers get together and they Mix and mingle and get smashed on two drink tickets then grind on each other The songs like this have you seen my pants his friendly officer is asking thanks O legal weed oh I cannot find my apartment

It's the ostrich Christmas party hey girl come join me in my hot tub tub tub the biggest hits from the awful Christmas party Oh if you see me and I pick a fight if down a county is where I spend the night It's probably because I'm drinking The Crown Sure, we were talking yesterday about office Christmas parties There might be a few cut and loose tonight

Wouldn't you think there, Covey? Yeah, I would think so. This would be, I mean, usually that's kind of how it goes, right? The Friday before a holiday. I bet you someone ends up scissoring. Maybe. It's a good guess. It's a good day for some scissoring.

At the office Christmas party. It makes it for some fun office politics, right, when a couple people hook up. Did you hear the big news on the big ticket? Yeah, that's awesome. About time. I wish he had a different role. I mean, it sounds like he's just going to go out and have drinks with people when they ask him to, you know?

Yeah, that kind of an ambassador. Help out with some charity. Show up at a few events. And all that is wonderful. I would like to see someday Kevin Garnett make some roster decisions and whatnot. I think he's cut out for it. But anyway, if you didn't hear, if you didn't hear, is how a grown. person would say it.

After years and years of wondering when the hell he's going to get back in the mix, the Timberwolves have announced that Kevin Garnett, starting this season, starting immediately, if I'm not mistaken, will play the role of Team Ambassador, where he will have an active role with both the Timberwold and the Lynx. attending events. They say it this way, Josh, elevating the fan experience. Maybe he'll run up and down the aisles,

high-fiving every. I love KG, and he loves me. And I'm happy that he's back and maybe this just kicks the door open to bigger things. I'm sure we have Alex Rodriguez and his business partner, Jennifer Lopez, to thank for this.

We'll see what Randy Schaeber makes of it in a half hour. Man, Bear Pigs won again. Hey, I'm looking forward to when we get Shaver on the line. And we'll also, well, it's selfish, the reason why I'm looking forward to it. It really has very little to do with Randy Shaver, now that you're pointing it out. We'll also talk to Andrew DePaula at 730. Purple Pickham.

We'll get a listener on the radio. I guess I'm looking forward to the next time we talk sports more than anything, actually, because I want to share with you the saddest hockey-related story ever. Oh. All right. It's tailor-made for Ashley. It's the saddest hockey story ever. I'm nervous.

Wolves play the thunders tonight. Big football game last night. The C-Ducks won. That's crazy. What happened? That two-point conversion? Yeah, that's absolutely insane. Walk-off two-point conversion.

So confused. That's how the C-Ducks won. I didn't see any of the ball game. In overtime. It was pretty wild. In overtime. Well, F me running. Josh's news report is coming up next.

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And it spells relief for you. Vince Colonais is redefining news talk with The Vince Show. It is a reflection of your response to this program that we get to take this thing to the next level. These gigantic shows, this is going to be so much fun. It's unbelievable. In-depth interviews, live caller interactions, and a front row seat to the most important conversations of the day. I've got updates. I've got big stories.

We'll sort through the truth of what's really going on. So buckle up. Here it comes. The Vince Show, follow and listen on your favorite platform. I want to be whined and dined 69. 93X half-assed morning show. It's sad to see, you know, it's really sad to see it, stuff like this happening. At this time yesterday, we were wondering, how much trouble could a teenager playing super

villain from his bedroom get into for forcing two school districts to close several schools, tying up police and causing a collective pantsoiling for students and parents in at least four cities. And it turns out quite a lot. The 16-year-old Eastview High School student was charged yesterday with four felony counts of threats of violence with intent to terrorize, tied to the series of posts he allegedly made on Monday. As investigators worked to trace the activity, they followed social media accounts back to a phone number registered to the pride of Eastview's mother. That trail led to the family's Egan home.

which they searched Tuesday before interviewing the teen. During that interview, he told officers, someone else had forced him to make those posts, though he couldn't provide a name or any details about who that person might be, and investigators weren't persuaded. Then the teen's tone and demeanor changed, indicating the allegation another individual was involved in that incident wasn't true. The kid, who hopefully will learn something from this experience,

was taken to the Juvenile Services Center in Hastings, where he'll remain in custody until his next court appearance on Tuesday. Juvie. Yeah, went to Juvie. Well, there. Four felonies he's being charged with. That's a good amount. Yeah, they are not taking that lightly, as they shouldn't.

No. It's a pretty good start for a 16-year-old for felonies. Yeah. On his way. How's, how are his folks doing? I'm wondering that, too. I mean, I was trying to put myself in all of their positions. I can't even imagine what that would be like to be his parents.

And he uses mom's phone number to set it up. Come on. Mom's getting stopped by the cops. If I remember right, they pulled them over or something like that and saying, hey, this is what's going on. Again, four felonies. Here's your number four. Fun fact for the day. In the English language, four is the only number whose meaning is equivalent to the amount of letters in its name.

Oh, fun. That's my favorite number. Yep. That is mind-blowing material right there, Cubby. Yeah, it'll blow the brains right out the back of your head. A man on the run from police tried an unusual last-minute disguise, hiding in a Christmas nativity scene while pretending to be the fourth of the three wise men. What is that, Scooby-Doo?

She's trying to blend in. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Officers were chasing a wanted suspect through southern Italy when the 38-year-old attempted to fool police by blending into a life-sized nativity display as though he were part of it all along. So you're telling me he froze like a statue? That's right. Oh, God.

Convicted of assault and resisting arrest, he was already on the run when inspiration struck. He froze in place just like a mannequin, committing fully to the role like a scene out of Scooby-Doo, and the crazy part is it nearly worked. In fact, he may have gotten away with it if it weren't for the town's meddling mayor. The mayor noticed subtle movements

out of the corner of his eye and realized one of the wise men was a little too alive. How long did he have to stand there before the mayor noticed that he was a real human being? They didn't say, but it doesn't sound like it was very long. And what the hell was the mayor doing on scene? He was just walking by the, and he kind of out of the corner of his eyes. Like, wait, that guy kind of moved. But it's funny, he was just standing there with his arms out, like he's kind of praising over Jesus. Yeah.

And he's counting the wise man going, one, two, three. Four? He's got a fourth. So that was the end of his performance. He never made it as a wise man. He couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing. Instead, police arrested him, which is how they'd remind him what he really was,

a prisoner taken away from the manger to an Italian jail. An Italian jail? Oh, the food, I bet, is wonderful. Oh, I can't even imagine how good it is. After the arrest, the mayor thanked officers for their swift recovery of the wanted man, who will finish out his original sentence of nine months. and 15 days behind bars.

That's a wonderful story. Yeah, that's so good. Yeah. I mean, he just kind of panicked. And as I said, if that mayor wasn't so observant, you might have got away from the cops. And, you know, Scooby-Doo, great reference there. How many episodes of Scooby-Doo? Did Scooby and Shaggy somehow avoid the ghost by pretending to be a picture on the wall?

Yeah. It was very effective. That was their move. Two Memphis men were arrested in a drug bust after they made. not have done too much to come to the aid of an overdosing man, you be the judge. They repurposed him as a makeshift dining service, even setting food on him. He was overdosing. He was on the floor.

The other residents in the room were using him as a breakfast table. They had a bowl of cereal and stuff on his back. The arrest follows a month-long investigation that brought police to a residence early Wednesday morning to serve a fentanyl-related search warrant. inside officers found a 45-year-old man actively overdosing. He'd apparently been down for some time because others in the home treated him less like a human being and more like dining room furniture. Disgusting. That is pretty bad.

Drug Task Force Director Johnny Carter summed up the scene in a statement saying the depravity that accomplishes the sale and use of some drugs, companies, I'm sorry, such as using a dying human being as a breakfast table never ceases to amaze me. I'm thankful our agents and those assisting us were there trained and able to render aid so this man may have a second chance at life. Investigators said that case is still unfolding with more charges and arrests expected as the investigation continues. It's pretty cold-blooded. Can you imagine if you're buddies with these guys and I don't know their relationship, but when you realize what they did, like nobody could have called the cop or at least somebody just kind of throw me out of a car at the hospital or something? They're in breakfast on them. Maybe the attitude in the fentanyl world is if you can't handle it, you're on your own.

Yeah, it could be. We don't deal with poop outs. What was the, I thought that was the, yeah, that was the term they used in pulp fiction. You know, when someone overdosed, I think they call them a poop out or something like that. These guys, there was no sympathy for those people. They need a good talking to and an IKEA gift certificate to avoid something like this in the future. A speeding driver's one-finger commentary seemed aimed at a fellow commuter. It was clear, concise, and delivered at highway speed.

Unfortunately for them, straight to a cop, which is bad no matter what. But especially bad if you're riding dirty. At 155 p.m., December 3rd in Canada, police in an unmarked vehicle were cut off by a man speeding in a Volkswagen jetta. The jetta driver then showed the middle finger to an officer in the unmarked police vehicle. officers said, adding that it wasn't clear if the driver knew he was speeding past a cop. Either way, the salute didn't stay anonymous for long. After stopping the jetta, the officer noticed the driver and two passengers had cocaine and illegal cannabis in their vehicle. Those drugs were seized along with 800 bucks in cash.

800 bucks in cash. You know, almost every time we have the cops in studio, someone texts in and says, or asks, is it legal to give a cop the finger? And I think the last time they answered the question, they said, sure, but you might not like the end result. Yeah, I mean, you're obviously going to raise some attention there. I mean, they'll find something. Oh, yep.

Weaved a little bit there. I'm not so sure that lights working correctly. You can find a lot of things at your local pet smart. Bird food stacked in bags. Fish tanks bubbling away in neat rows. dog and cat treats for pets of all sizes. But on one memorable night in Florida, also a cute little girl stuck on the roof.

Lake City Police were called to a Petsmart about 7.40 p.m. Wednesday about a missing 12-year-old with autism at Petsmart after her mom reported she wandered away. Officers arrived and met the girl's mother who explained her daughter was last seen looking at cats available for adoption. Other customers mentioned seeing the child heading toward the back of the store, which led officers to begin a search. That search took an unexpected turn when one officer looked up and spotted the little girl on the roof of the building. Firefighters and paramedics were called in, and together with police, they began working through a plan, consulting with the mother as they figured out the safest way to reach the girl.

Their first attempt involved bringing the mom and a firefighter up using the fire department's tower truck, which I bet was kind of fun. Yeah, but that was cool. But that plan stalled when the girl became frightened, and she tried to climb down a gutter pipe instead. Oh. Concern she might fall, responders shifted to the back of the building and placed a ladder beneath her, managing to block any dangerous descents. Even then, though, the girl refused to come down and continued climbing higher, clearly committed to her rooftop adventure.

Finally, two Lake City police officers and a firefighter positioned themselves above her, and when she came close enough, they were able to reach her, secure her, and transfer her safely to the tower truck. What are you doing, Kevin? From there, the uninjured girl was lowered. back to the ground where her mother was waiting. Well, F. Yeah, I mean, glad they got it. I can't even imagine how freaked out that mom was doing.

Yeah, she probably thought that she was taken. Mori Povich, maybe eyeing an encore. Mori Povich, huh? Yeah, this one comes with beats, bars, and beefs. The former newsman turned daytime ringmaster says primetime specials devoted to settling rap feuds could be in his future. Oh, my God. And he already has his fantasy booking in mind, for example,

Nikki Minaj and Cardi B. Oh, that's a popular one. Yeah, I guess they've been locked in a years-long feud. Yeah, their fans go after each other pretty hard. My only question would be, why the hell is Mori Povich still working? Isn't he 88 years old? Well, he has been retired, but now he's saying, if he could make this work, he wants to come back.

He ran out of some money. I still see his television show listed in the guide. I assumed he was still putting on fresh episodes. He also floated the idea of taking on Drake and Kendrick Lamar's feud. If I could get Nikki. Okay, Nikki Minaj and Cardi B. Settle their differences with lie detector tests. How about if Drake and Kendrick did the send the same thing?

I'd come out of retirement. Come out of retirement to settle the B. Would y'all like to see Mori Poemich settle down? Oh, my God, the crowd, the crowd was reeling. They're very excited. At every idea he came up with. Early this year, Povich's wife, Connie Chung, reminded everyone that her husband's skill set set stretches far beyond viral verdicts.

He's been determining the paternity of every child in America. The fact is, he has a wider vocabulary than you're the father and you're not the father, she joked. Povich officially retired from his long-running talk show in 2022, Butterfly detectors and Lyrgy. circle grudges are on the table. Retirement may be less permanent than previously advertised. Mori F me running sideways, Povich. I met the man.

He was wonderful. We've interviewed him a couple of times. He was a great interview. Yeah, he's a very, very nice guy. Did you go to one of those tapings? Yeah, that's when we met him. We went for a bachelorette party. My friend Kelly's obsessed with the Mory show, and we got to see a taping.

And he came out specifically to come say hi to all of us because he thought it was cool that a bachelor's party was there to check out the show. Sweet. If you're intrigued by highly poetic abuse, here's your rap battle fun fact of the day. Flighting was medieval England's answer to the disc track, a sharp-tonged-brainy bout of insult trading long before microphones in M&M. Practice most actively between the 15th and 16th centuries in England and Scotland. Flighting was a public sport of verbal sparring where wit was the weapon, and the reputation of an opponent's mother was the casualty. As for themes, participants applied on provocation and perversion, mixing satire, rhetoric,

and some surprisingly durable bathroom humor to trounce their rivals in front of an audience that clearly enjoyed a well-aimed verbal gut shot. The term flighting comes from old English and old Norse words for quarrel and provocation. You know what I'm most impressed by, Josh? What's that? You looked that up for ultimate F-off day. You went through all of that for Ultimate F off. We could put in one more day of effort. Here's a guy who gets it done, no matter the circumstances.

If you're looking for an excuse to escape reality for a couple of hours, this week's new releases have a couple of good options, including a massive new blockbuster, just perfect if you're feeling blue. James Cameron expands his sci-fi universe with Avatar Fire and Ash, introducing a fierce new enemy known as the Ash People. Also in theaters today, Sydney Sweeney and Amanda Seafried star in The House Made, a tense thriller about a young woman who takes a live-in job with a wealthy couple

who may be harboring sinister secrets. SpongeBob plunges to the deepest corners of the ocean to battle the flying Dutchman in the SpongeBob movie Search for Square Pants. Bradley Cooper directs and co-stars with Will Arnette and Laura Dern and is this thing on a comedy about post-divorce life while discovering new purpose in the New York comedy scene. Cooper and Arnett also produced the movie and teamed up to write the screenplay. And finally today on HBO Max, the streaming premiere of one battle after another.

Shout out to Hats Jesus, who are going to be on vacation for a couple weeks. Congratulations to Gavin, aka G Money on his first first. birthday today and also 177 days sober congratulations good luck to the Hastings wrestlers at their tournament today and tomorrow from Painting America Jesus happy 10th anniversary to chaos coordinator sheez is and the hot hubby happy 31st to Gavin from your special lady and happy birthday to high hopes McGee Jesus from his favorite person in the world high hopes McGee Jesus and that's 93x news the Minnesota Vikings interview horse the file

69. Office. He was giving them the business. Touchdown it! On the half-assed morning chef. Any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me? I have one. I like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. Right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye. And I want to tell him with a cheap lying, no good, rotten,

foreflushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, hopeless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotted-lip, wormheaded sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. There's the Tylen, on. All right.

Let's get on this. The earlier we get started, the earlier we can go right back to F& Off here on Ultimate F-off Day. But we got company Randy Shaver, Brad Ryder. Good morning, good morning. Good morning. And our weekly chat with Vikings' Kassel. captain, and we'll find out here in a minute, possibly four-time pro-bowler, Andrew DePaula.

That chat is brought to you by Luther Kia of Bloomington. There you go. Andrew D. Paola. Good morning, guys. Good morning. Did we get you into the Pro Bowl again or not? Possibly. I think we find out next Tuesday, maybe?

Tuesday? Next Tuesday? You got to wait. How we got to wait that long? I guess so. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I forgot. And in the past, they showed videos of them surprising you at practice or something like that. Is that typically how it goes? Yeah, usually. Usually. Yeah, I think coach will make an announcement after one of the practices.

Somebody on our panel said, last they checked on the NFL.com or something, right, when Pro Bowl voting was still open. Last they checked, you were sitting in the top spot. correct? Somebody said that earlier. Yeah, so after the first week, I was like six, I think, somewhere, like six on the fan voting. And then, you know, obviously came on the show, did a little shout out. And then, no and behold, the next time the results came out, I was number one on the fan voting. That's awesome. That is great.

I love it. I love it. I wonder how that happened. That's just funny how things work out, right? Do you think it has anything to do with your ability to snap and sing? By snap, I mean with your fingers. Yes. I can't sing.

If there's one thing I can do, it's snap. Pro Bowl voting is ending soon, and we need your help. So vote for me, Andrew DePaula. Long snapper. And me. Will Reichard. Kicker. And me.

Ryan Wright. Hunter. That's what's going to get you in right there. Yes. Oh, man, man. That was, I tell you what, I could not stop laughing when we were shooting that. I was just like, man. When they came to you with that idea, what went through your head?

Were you on board or did it take some convincing? I was on board. I was like, all right, you know, I can look like an idiot for a couple of votes. But I was on board. And then when the idea came up to add Ryan and Will, I was like, oh, yeah, definitely. Like, come on, we all can look like it is together. It would be great. That makes it better.

Do you have any idea how your bros are doing in their pro bowl voting category? I do not. Okay. Well, we can make a push for them, too. Unless you want us to knock it off, maybe you want to spend some more time with your family and don't want to have to go to Reno every year. Wherever the hell they say. We can dial it back if you like.

You know, I'm okay with that trip every year. That's fine with me. I'll take it. That's awesome. We're always happy to help, Andrew. Oh, what else is going on? I think this will be the last time we talked this football season. So anything you want to get off your chest, I suppose, now is the time.

Yeah. Oh, wow. That would be it, huh? Yeah. I wasn't ready for that. I thought we were going to have, like, a goodbye day. Well, we could make today. Today could be our goodbye day.

We'll let you start. Um, I got nothing. I just, man. I'm not ready to accept it. You're clearly a singer. Sing something. Yeah, sing your favorite song. It's so.

I don't think anybody wants me to sing, trust me. To say goodbye. Two, yes. Yeah, I think this will be our final final. I mean, has the year felt like it's gone by fast, Andrew? Oh, yeah. Feels like it's flying by. It really has.

I can't believe we're already on to week. What is it? 16? Yep. Of the National Football League, by God, season. Yeah, it has gone by pretty fast. Christmas is next week. Tell us all about your Christmas plans.

Anything wildly excited? wildly excited, right? Oh, right, you've got to play on Christmas Day. Or no, you're home. You're home. Yeah, we're home. We're home. I think we have the 3.30 games on Christmas.

So, you know, going to wake up and celebrate Christmas with the fans, see what Santa brought everyone, and then go kick some Detroit butt. You'd rather have the day off, though, I'm sure. I mean, it's kind of like a give and take. I think it's kind of cool being the primetime game on Christmas. like, you know, everyone's going to be either at home or somewhere with their family or people that they're close with and, you know, what are you going to do? You can turn on the game.

So I think that's kind of neat. It works out that we have a later game so we can kind of still do the festivities in the morning with my family and then go play the game in the afternoon. Then you get a couple of days off afterwards too, probably. Extra days. Normally, that's how it works. Yeah, we haven't gotten that week schedule, but normally. you play on Thursday, you get off

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Do you exchange gifts with your teammates this time of year? Usually, yeah. Yep. We'll do some fun little games, like a white elephant game, or some position groups will do Secret Santa.

We're kind of a small room, just five of us, three players. Secret Santa among three players would be probably don't work out too well. You probably don't want to spoil anything. I mean, has this happened yet, or you have a a plan date where you're going to exchange gifts? No, I think we're going to do it next week.

Okay. I mean, damn, I was reading some things about some other Kyrie Irving of the Dallas Mavericks bought all of his teammates' golf carts for Christmas. That's awesome. He's a Mavoric. He is a maverick. God, I really should have gotten to the NBA

instead of gotten into radio. You hear about that, right? Like a quarterback will buy their offensive line, you know, like a Durango. Rolexes and stuff like that, yeah. Yeah, who's the big shot in the locker room that may possibly show up, you know, with a present for everybody? That would probably be Jefferson, right? You'd hope.

Yeah, you know. That's the thing. A lot of guys on the roster. Do these guys get a deal for buying, like, multiple golf carts or multiple cars? Oh, I'm sure. They must. Yeah, because they know the story's going to get out there and the name brand will get thrown around. They probably do, yeah.

Oh, I wonder if they even spent any, good point. Dang, that kind of ruins it, it doesn't. A little bit. I don't know. Yeah, good question. And obviously, with a basketball club, you got, how many guys he got in the roster? 12? Yeah.

A little bit easier in the football team. So I wouldn't expect even Justin Jefferson are one of these high-paid guys. I wouldn't expect them to come rolling in with, you know, drop a set of car keys in everybody's hands. But, yeah. You hear quarterbacks getting gifts for the offensive line a lot. Right. Yeah. Obviously, the offensive lines protecting the quarterback all year.

Did somebody just say that? Yeah. Did that? Remember the old... He did. Who said that? Josh did. Oh, you did?

At the very beginning. Hey, Brad, will you listen to Josh? For Christ's sake, he just said that. Sounded better the second time, though, Brad. I'll give that too. The fellow teammates there on the Dallas Mavericks, they were pretty pumped. And these golf carts were sweet. Yeah.

They really were. Each one had a Maverick's logo on the front with each player's name and number on the side. Baby Nuts, Luca Donchich of the Los Angeles Lakers for Christmas. He bought all of his teammates and everyone on the entire Lakers staff brand new $3,000 electric bicycles. Oh, cool. Do you have one of those, Andrew? The electric bicycles is just very, very, very similar to a Harley Davidson? No.

No. You know what I do want? Do you know what I do want? What? It was one of those like electric bikes, but it has like the wagon in the front for the kids. So you can just like right around. Oh, yeah. I've seen a Rickshaw kind of thing. I've never seen that. It's like it's a, shoot. It's like it's an electric bike. You know, you plug it in, you pedal, and then like it helps you kind of go.

But then in the front, it's like a big seating area wagon thing where like you can fit like two, four, six kids and just like right around. That seems pretty cool. Okay. Everyone seems to have the electric bicycle. Or are you allowed to ride one of those around, or would the team get pissed off and say, hey, look, we don't need you going ass over Applecard into a... You know what I'm talking about? Like the clauses in your contract where you can't F off too much? Yeah, so I do have an electric scooter. Does that count?

Well, that counts. Hell yes. Some of those can get rocket. I've got one that goes pretty quick. I loved those. They're a riot. I've got an electric scooter. I'll take that. I'll bring it to training camp and just ride back and forth from the hotel to the facility.

One guy did, we had a few guys that had one. One guy did fall, and he got a little bit of trouble. So everyone kind of got in trouble for that one. Thankfully, he was fine, but, you know, he had a scrape, and then coach kind of addressed the electric scooters. Imagine me to grown man having to tell you. Always takes one. Remember when Ben Rothlessberger got in that bad?

had motorcycle accident? Oh, yeah. Did that kind of start that? Or maybe it was already a thing where certain contracts had. Hey, don't do anything. Don't play pickup basketball. I remember Kellynnello Jr. For the Browns had something similar, too, where he messed himself up on the motorcycle.

Oh, yeah. I remember that one. He had zero, absolute zero experience with motorcycle. And didn't he get like a crotch rocket? He went and bought some friggin rocket that went a thousand miles an hour before he got off the lot. be wrapped it around a tree or something like that. Hilarious. We want you to be careful, Andrew.

But no, those electric scooters are a riot. Those things are fun. Maybe you can clear up some controversy for us, Andrew. This Puka Nakua kid for the Los Angeles Rams yesterday, we were saying that more and more people who know him are saying that this kid is, he might be a total moron. Puka Nakua claims that concussions. aren't real, they're imaginary.

They're all in your head, he said. I also believe that concussions are all in your head. Seriously? So concussions aren't real? It's all on your head? No. Put on ACL Terry. Oh, those ones are pretty real. If you can't get up and watch, I'm sure like that's pre-rolet. And it wasn't a pun.

He wasn't trying to be funny when he said concussions are all in your head. What he means is they're imaginary. Can you clear that up for us, Andrew, number one? No, I can't. You don't know? No, they're real. They're real. Yeah.

And then as you heard. Has anyone ever ever have their bell wrong? Like, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are the worst after effects of a concussion, Andrew, because I'm guessing you've had a few?

Actually, I've never had a diagnosed concussion. Really? Wow. Yep. Play after. That shocks me because when you're out on the ball field, you are in a pretty. helpless situation, position, I should say. You are bent at the waist, you snap, and you just more or less need to brace yourself. Your helmet is right there leading the way.

But there are rules to protect him, though, too. Well, sure, but, I mean, accidents happen. You don't think that's shocking that he's never had a diagnosed? I think it is. Wow, you're a lucky guy. Keyword, though, diagnosed. Keyword, diagnosed. Yeah, we played that highlight. I think it was in a college game, maybe a bowl game, where you, your feet. or straight up in the air when you got your bell rung so hard on like trying to chase down the guy? Was that college? Yeah. South Florida.

Yeah. That was college in South Florida. Yeah, probably had one there. I probably had one or two or a few in the league. But like if they were, if I did have one, they were extremely minor. And the symptoms that I had were dizziness, like in a mental fog, maybe a little bit of a headache. I never got sick. I never threw up.

I never really forgot anything. Like, I knew where I was. I knew the time, the day. I knew all that stuff. You've led a blessed career. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Good for you. Good for you. Without a doubt. Without a doubt. Anyone else have the, anyone else see spots? Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that before.

Sure. When I got a concussion. When I got a concussion. Of course, you know, we always made the right choices when we were kids. We were on a frozen lake Without a helmet Toeing each other Behind a snowmobile on kneeboards.

You know, the kneeboards are fun. They were popular on the water for about two summers And now I never see anyone on a kneeboard. But we decided to take them out on the frozen lake. So I'm being towed behind a snowmobile That's going about 85 miles per hour And I'm on a kneeboard. Oh, wow.

And I mean, when I hit the ice with my skull, Dini, my first thought was I'm paralyzed. But luckily all my appendages had feeling. I had to drive home that evening from up north. And suddenly when I was behind the wheel, thousands of spots appeared before my eyes. I could no longer focus on the traffic. It was really scary.

I had to pull over. The other two guys in the car were drunk so they couldn't drive. So I had to gut it out. I think I saw spots in Evolith. We still had four hours to go, you know. But you can also confirm, Andrew, let's go back

to this Puka Nakua. You can confirm he did accept the fact that ACL tears are real. They are not imaginary. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I'm glad he's opening his eyes. Dr. Nakua.

He's been kind of weird lately. What's going on with that guy? I don't know. here's a gentleman named Ben. Go ahead, I'm sorry. People get a little nutty when the camera's in your face, you know. Yeah, there's evidence of that with him in the last couple weeks. Ben says I had a concussion that made me throw up for an hour straight, caused tunnel vision, and put me in the hospital for two days.

Dude. Yeah, a few people are texting in some horror stories from concussions. I got knocked out cold, and it was one of those where when I came to, I didn't know where I was, what I was doing. I didn't remember anything about what I did that day. and then after a while, once my parents and coaches were talking to me, my memory just snapped back and it all came back at once. It was very freaky.

You know, all of a sudden, I remembered everything I did that day, what I had for breakfast. The friends I hung out with before the game was all very weird. You take a good lick to the noggin? Yeah, I mean, things happen. Randy, did you get a concussion? We were talking about bicycles earlier. Didn't you get a concussion when you fell off your bicycle?

You know, I probably had one. I don't think it was a diagnosed one because I basically broke a bone in my arm. so they were more concerned about my arm than they were my head. But, yeah, I got, I saw stars, that's for sure. What about Brad, when you got fired by the Timberwolves? Did they diagnose you with them? No, I concussed somebody else.

No, you just just bothered when they kicked them out. Because that hit pretty hard from what I understand. A concussion to the soul. When I was in high school, we played a. in one of those gyms where the gym was on a stage. Oh, yeah. And I went for a loose ball, and two or three of us fell off the stage, but my head hit one of the chairs.

Oh, I was out for a while. I mean, the thing I remember most is opening my eyes and seeing about three or four people around me, you know, wondering if I was okay. And then that was back in the day where literally, if you opened your eyes and you were okay, you kept playing. Yeah. And so I went back in the game and kept playing.

I threw up later that night, too. How did your fans take it? There was a girl I went to high school with, and I don't know what was going on with her, but she ended up, like, by the time she graduated, she got eight concussions. Geez. They were, like, she was missing, like, months of school at that point.

They were like, hey, if you get another one of these, like, this is not going to end well. You know what? Here's the good news, Andrew, after today. You don't got to listen to this nonsense anymore. No, not for a whole other season. Hey man, I'm going to miss you guys. I always do want to see all the season.

We'll miss you too. And you're always welcome to join us or come in, whatever you want to do. Are you sticking around after the season or are you going home? I think we're going to stick around for a bit, a little bit. Yeah. We're going to decompress, take our time. Do you normally what we normally do. Just relax and hang out.

Concussion-prone Jesus texted the show and says he's had 13 of them. Anyway, go ahead, Randy. You had something to say? I was just going to ask, Andrew, do your kids, Are they in school? Do you stay here through the school year? My oldest just started kindergarten this year. So this is kind of like the first year where we really kind of have to make that decision and what we're going to do.

What do you make of this 20 and 26? What do you see coming down the pipe, Andrew DePaula? Maybe something new for you, new haircut or something. I don't know. Are you a resolution? Me and my wife were talking. I was thinking about trying out of new hairstyle. I think this one's getting a little worn out.

Big changes. What were you saying, Cubby? Are you a resolutions guy? Do you make New Year's resolutions or anything? No, no. I think that's... I'm not saying it's dumb, but like, just do what you want to do.

Like, if you want to... I'm with... I don't know. Work out, quit smoking, like, quit cuss, like, just do it. Like, you don't have to make a resolution. Right. And, like, you don't need the first of the year to do it whenever you're ready to start.

That is true. What if you came up with the idea in March? You're like, well, shoot, I got to make a resolution. I'll put it on the back burner for nine months. And, you know, everyone always talks about quitting smoking. What about starting it? Hey, there you. Yeah, exactly.

I mean, start it up. Start smoking. Andrew, Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. And thank you for all of your time on our Friday mornings here during the football season. We always enjoy it. Yep. Awesome.

Merry Christmas, guys. Happy New Year. Thank you again so much. I had a ton of fun this year. I can't tell you how many people outside came up and said hi, introduced themselves, told me that they heard me on this radio show. It's been awesome. The people have been getting to meet.

It's been so cool. So thank you all again for this opportunity. It's been amazing. I'm going to miss you guys, and I definitely do want to come in in studio. I love coming in to seeing you all. So if that's an invite, I'd love to take you all about. That's awesome. Yeah, we'll holler at you after you're done with the Pro Bowl and everything.

We'll give me some time to chill and you get a few beers in you, and we'll give you a phone call. Let's do it. Let's do it. So long, son. Thank you, Andrew. Yep, thanks, guys. They are playing this Sunday in New York to play the Giants.

Bye, damn. Purple Pickham Challenge. I think this is our swan song for the Purple Pickham as well. Yeah, this is it. We get all this vacation time we've got to use up. It's ultimate F-off day. Nobody cares. Purple Pickham is brought to you by Expinity.

Your home field advantage, get all your football all in one place. And Purple Pickham is also brought to you by Dicky's Barbecue Pit and Egan. We want to thank Expinity and Dickie's barbecue. for being such kind friends to the program. Our purple pick-em qualifier this week should know a thing or two about the game of football. Or just he should know a thing or two about a thing. First off, his name is Chad. That says something about a guy right there.

Oh, I like a good job. Not only that, not only that, his on-air handle is college football official Jesus. He refs college football. The only thing working against him that I can see is that he's from St. Cloud. Good morning. Good morning, Chad. Well, good morning, everyone. Hello.

How you doing, Chad? You know, I'm doing well. Don't let the name fool you, though, just because it says I'm college football official, doesn't mean that I actually know the rules of the game. As long as I just go out there wearing the shirt and look the part, that's all they matter. What level do you coach at? I do everything from high school. lower level like seventh and eighth grade to Division I.

Oh, cool. Well, F me running. Fabulous. Tough gig, man. You know, not everyone's too friendly to the officials. Well, you know, it has its days, just like anything. But if you learn how to talk to the coaches and try to diffuse some situations that certainly can help or just stay in the middle of the field while they scream at you, who cares?

It doesn't bother you. I mean, you sound like a very mature, person after only talking to you for 30 seconds, but it doesn't bother you? How do you keep from knocking some of these bastards out the way they talk to you? Well, my big boy job, I work at the correctional facility in the St. Cloud, the Stoney Loansome right on Highway 10. The Stoney Loansom. That helps out, you know, learning to communicate with those guys and use that to learn how to

communicate with the coaches. Okay. I mean, yeah, there's plenty of times where you'd like to say stuff, but, of course, you know, you can't. You just got to bite your tongue and let them vent and then move on. I was at a youth hockey or excuse me, youth basketball tournament over the weekend, and a couple of the refs couldn't take it anymore from one of the parents, and he got kicked out.

And the guy that got kicked out, use that as an opportunity to make it his show on the way out, very dramatic on the way out. That poor kid. By damn, Chad. Yes, go ahead, Chad. It's pretty cool. No, I was just going to say, yeah, that, that, It's usually the case.

Usually the person who is making a spectacle and then gets tossed out of the game, even make a bigger spectacle. They just want to have the focus on the entire time anyway. Well, that was his goal. That's for sure. Here's a guy, Chad, from St. Cloud, who upped and decided to land two of the toughest gigs in America. That's unbelievable.

Yeah, you can take abuse. Combining the two. When you're not having toilet wine thrown in your face at the Stony Lonesome, some derelict screaming bloody murder at you. When you're not doing that, some lunkhead jock is laying in India out on the football field running his mouth. Wow. What a couple of...

It's a lot of fun, you know, and I had one time, just a quick story, I had one time I had a coach really just chewing my rear end and I let him vent. I was, you know, let him talk, and then when he was all done, we just kind of paused and I said that was, you know, coach, that was really good,

but you don't have anything on my ex-wife. You've been to worse. He just stared at me, kind of did the black lab where he cocked his had a little bit smiled and then moved on. That's a great line. You probably, I don't know if you want to dump any names. Well, I mean, this is complimentary, really, or neutral, really. Who's the biggest name college football player or coach you've ever had a conversation with on the field? Well, I've worked some golfers practices, so PJ.

I love PJ. I was lucky enough to work a Wisconsin Badgers game. So I got, you know, to be there for Wisconsin Badgers. That was, I would say, the biggest game I've ever worked or been a part of. But, you know, there's good players everywhere. CJ Ham from Augustana. I think his last year in Augustana was my first year as an official. So there's been a lot of good players throughout my years that have been on the field.

What a deal. We're so happy you got involved here, Chad. It was really nice to talk to you, but we need to cut to the chase and get your predictions for Sunday's game. Yeah. We need half-time and final score. If you get one of them correct, Chad, you'll get $1,000. If you get them both, $100,000 and a trip to that fat-ass game at the end of the year. Have you been to the fat-ass game before? I have not. I've been to some fat games, but not the fat-ass game. What are you got for halftime for this Sunday's matchup, Chad? For the halftime, I have the Vikings 13 and the Giants 10.

And what about when they wrap it up? What's that scoreboard going to look like? You know, I'm going to go 34 Vikings and the Giants 20. I am a little bit concerned. They have the Snoop Bowl the next game. I hope they can keep the concentration and score 34 points, but that's what I'm going to go with. The what? The what bowl?

The Snoop Bowl. The Snoop Bowl. The Snoop ball on Christmas. He's performing halftime. Right, right, where he's going to sing his song at halftime. He doesn't want the boys looking ahead to that game. Oh, I see. It's been a pleasure. As an official, I'd be looking forward to it.

That's all I'd look forward to. Let that clock run. You don't call any penalties. You want to get to halftime. And everybody's in bounds. Yep. Chad, Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Thanks, bro, and good luck.

Got a pleasure, Chad. You know what? Real quick, Merry Christmas to everybody on the show. show, Randy, Brad, all you guys. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. You guys are awesome. And a shout out to the brother and sisterhood. You guys are amazing. Merry Christmas to everyone. Thanks, bro. Thank you. I hope that next time, I hope next time Chad's roughing a big game and he knows we're all watching. He makes a piss poor call and then winks at the camera.

That's brotherhood. Well, there you go. Randy. Yes, sir. Randy Shaver. Yes, sir. You ever been damp for Santa Claus? That's so gross. I'm not really quite sure what you're talking about.

That's good. Earlier on, we were talking about Santa Files. And these are supposedly people who are sexually attracted to Santa Claus. Oh, my God. So I wanted to know if you have ever been damp for Santa. Of course not. No, okay. Brad Reader, these are people who are sexually attracted.

attracted to Santa Claus. They want to throw him down. They want to pin Chris Kringle. They want to make... Is there a club or how are they identified? Well, so far they openly talk about it. There's a Facebook group. I don't know if you can identify them by site,

but they're Santa Files. They want to take... Josh, you know old St. Nick, right? Sure, I'm familiar. They want to pin his legs behind his head. They want them to be plugging his ears with his big toes. This is...

Santa Claus you're talking about. Yes. Yeah, I guess they are into them. They didn't say anything about Mrs. Claus. No. She just got left out, I guess. They want nothing to do? How many people listening are going to go out and buy Santa Claus outfits today now?

For that purpose? Oh, God. Yeah. I just walked down the street. My wife would laugh me, laugh me right out of the house. Poo-Poo's and Pee-Pee's Jesus is a randophile. He likes Randy Shave. I bet there's a couple of those.

Well, we've seen it. What am I talking about? seen that. The big ticket, huh? Yes, sir. We're going to get back to football here in a minute, but we got to cut to the store. Kevin Garnett's working for the wolves again. What do you boys make of it?

I love it. I think it's great. Not surprised that we knew this was kind of coming, but what a great day it will be when they hoist his banner at Target Center. That's awesome. I forgot to mention that. Yeah, they're going to retire the jersey. and he's just going to have drinks and be an ambassador. What a terrific job.

Kind of like what the Twix, excuse me, what former twins do. Well, Turkey Bucket had that gig for a while. Tori had it for a while, Michael Gideyer, guys like that. There's really only one thing that was standing in the way of all that, and that piece is gone now, so everybody kind of knew once that happened that he was going to be coming back. Because you're referring to Glenn Taylor, so we need to thank Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez, for making this happen. That's great.

Yeah. So it says here, K to the G, Kevin Garnett will be visible and active with the Timboeau and the links. You know, having drinks, telling stories, charity events, and I'm sure he'll be wonderful at all of it. But oh, my damn, when they raised that jersey. No pun intended, but that's going to be a tough ticket to get. Yes, sir. You're going to have to spend some money on that. Yes, sir.

One of my fondest memories of any live sporting event, and I have Brad Ryder to thank for this, is when me and a pal, my biggest Timberwolves pal, we went and saw KG's comeback game when he came back, you know, for the ass end of what season was that, five, six, seven, eight years. I can't even think now. 2015, something like that? 10 years ago.

When KG came back and played that home game, the first home game, my God. I was struggling to keep it together. You earned the only one. Because it was just beautiful. And the crowd just went. The crowd was absolutely up for grabs. As they should. The all-time leader in points, rebounds, steals, blocks, games played, and minutes.

And a Hall of Fame. And more. And more than that, too. Oh, also, speaking of, you know, all-time local basketball greats, it's Kevin McHale's birthday today. Oh. It's not kind of fitting if the Garnett news comes out when Kevin McHale's birthday. He's 68 years old.

The guy from Cheers? Yep. Yeah, he is the guy that helped Cheers defeat Gary's Old Town Tavern, right? But he also played a little basketball at the University of Minnesota and the Boston Celtics. God, those were great episodes when he would appear on Cheers. The one where I think it was a Cliff that got him obsessed with counting the screws on the on the board.

So he was distracted during the game so they had to all go out there together and count them so he knew how many there were. The back and forth between he and Woody. Woody was from Hanover, Indiana. Kevin McHale's best friend, Larry Bird, was from French lick Indiana. I'm talking about how.

Happy birthday, Kevin McHale. Remember when we pissed him off at Willem Arena, Josh? I don't. Well, I was set up. I was set up. Was I there? Yeah, I swear to God, it was me, you and Smiling Dawn walking through the hallowed halls of Willem Arena. So we went to a basketball game.

This is when Iron Ranger Dusty Riker. Oh, yeah. And that name in a while was pouring in points for the Golden Gophers. I totally fell in love with Dusty Riker. He was fun to watch. Looked harmless, but yet he really became a solid player for the Golden Gild. We had them in studio. I played a game of Papa Shot basketball against

Dusty Riker in studio. I wonder what the hell he's doing now. I heard he moved to Australia to play basketball for this was many years ago. So I just had a massive erection for this Dusty Riker. We talked about them all the time on the air. So we're walking through the halls of Willem Arena before a golden go for basketball game. What Smiling Don didn't tell Josh and I was that Kevin McHale was walking directly behind us. And Don says to me as loud as possible, he turns to me and says, So who do you think is the greatest golden golfer ever from the Iron Range? And I turned to Don. I said, it's clearly Dusty Riker.

That's when I noticed Kevin McHale is directly behind us. And Mikhail looks right into my eyes. He goes, yeah, right. Don set me up to be impaled by. Don was very good at trolling, that's for sure. Although he couldn't take a joke. Dougny Kierkeard is still playing. Well, he's got to be 40 years old.

47. Oh, my God, he's 40. He's playing over in Australia. You were right. He's been over there for a long time. He's been over there since the early 2000s, but according to Wikipedia, he's still on the Brisbane capitals. 47? Yes.

What were you saying, Kebby? I was just going to mention with Don, he can't take a joke on a golf course. We learned that. Oh, yeah. Nick had one of those air horns, and in the back swing, he kept hitting it for Don. and he kind of laughed it off the first time. And then, you know, when you can see rage behind laughter, you started to see that, and then eventually he just kind of snapped,

which that's the only time I ever saw him snap. He didn't like anybody messing with his dopey golf game. Never saw him even not have a smile until that day. Iron Range Jesus has texted in to say that Kevin McHale once hit him with a gas station door. Can you picture what might have? Yeah. Iron Range Jesus and the door smacks some writing. Wolves

thunders tonight. Timberw. Back to football now. Thursday night football was very exciting. I didn't see it. Never saw it. Nick, you missed a great one. Everyone's telling me. So much fun. I'm mad I went to bed at half time. Sam Darnold pulled some

magic trick out of his ass. He played so well the second half of the fourth quarter. But the craziest play I think I've ever seen is the two point conversion by Seattle off a backwards pass that ended up in the end zone and casually picked up by Zach Charbonnet thinking the play was dead and as they reviewed it, they reviewed it as a backwards pass.

The ball was still live and they end up getting a two point conversion to tie the game at 30-30 on that play. Two receivers from the left. Quick throw here and into a lot of traffic and incomplete. Terry, what do you see on this play here? Al, this may be a backward pass. We need to get a good angle on it. But if it's backward, then this recovery in the clear and continuing action in the end zone would be a good two-point conversion for Seattle.

After reviewing the play, the quarterback threw a backward pass, which was recovered in the end zone by the offense. and in successful conversion. That is the craziest ever. Craziest ever. I guess I'll have to see it. It was unbelievable. He was being nice and handing the ball to the rest.

He was picking up and handing it to the rest. He just, yeah, he had no idea. I don't think Zach Charbonain knew. He had no clue. Nobody did. Nobody did. The thing I wondered is, was the play blown dead? I mean, was there a whistle at all?

The whistle did not blow, and that was the key. The whistle was not blown. Sea Ducks beat the Rams by a point. Okay, I'll have to. There's a great finish. I'll have to check that out. New details have cut loose on this Ohio University head coach who got thrown off campus and fired the other day. Fired for serious professional misconduct.

Brian Smith is the fellow's name. Here are the allegations. He had an affair with an undergraduate student and he was drinking on the job. I'll do it. Yeah, I can get you in some trouble. drinking on the job when they said at first they were just having some beers after the games or something

I thought there's got to be something else there than that one of those two would probably get you fired they said at one point or another he was at a he was at a public appearance and he smelled like a bottle of hooch oh yeah okay that's different than just cracking a cold one in the office after a game next stop for ohio university will be next Tuesday when they play in

The Scooters Coffee Frisco Bowl. What? When you start playing football, that's your dream. That's the goal. Against the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. There's the Scooters Coffee. Have you ever had a cup of Scooters Coffee, John? No, I never heard of it.

And the Friscoe. I heard it's really good. Oh, yeah. There's one in Litchfield. There's one in Litchfield, Minnesota, on the way home from the Cal, and it is pretty good. There's one even closer. There's one close to Coon Rapids. I know that because my husband was very excited about it open.

You've went ahead and had a cup of Frisco's coffee, huh? So those kids, unlike the Xbox... What did I say? Scooters. Scooters coffee. Sorry. Unlike the Xbox Bowl kids who get a cool Xbox. These guys are just going to go home with a couple bags of coffee. Mm-hmm. Yep. And a good kick in the ass. Boy, it's just devastating.

Learning about this Greg Biffle... Awful. T tragedy. You know, we were just... We were just joking around on the air a couple days ago. about private planes. Yes. Former NASCAR driver Greg Biffle and his wife and two of his kids died in a private plane crash

in North Carolina yesterday. Just absolutely devastating. Was he the pilot? I've read so many things trying to figure out if he was, because the plane is owned by his company. Yeah. And he's a helicopter pilot. Okay. Right, right?

So that's what I heard. I'm assuming he was the pilot. don't know. I read that two other people died that were on the airplane. I assumed that they were the pilots. But you could be right. I don't know. Well, either way. It's just incredibly tragic. A couple of young kids. He was only 55 years old. And I witnessed said they saw the plane flying way too low and then there was an explosion. This Greg Biffle was known to be a hell of a nice guy and a very charitable guy who took his free time and extra cash he had and did wonderful. I mean, yeah, here it is right here, Randy Schaever.

He would, when Hurricane Helene, Helen. Hurricane Helene, when that hit North Carolina a couple years ago, he was flying back and forth in a helicopter helping people? Yeah. Oh, wow. The man bear pigs just keep it going. Last night, they got a three-two win over the miserable Columbus. Five-two.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. Sorry. Sorry. I wish you could see the look at his face, Randy. I'm just disappointed because you should know better. I do know better. My fault.

It was a three-two-week. win over the Columbus Hockey Club. Normally, I'd get upset, but it's ultimate F off day, right? Yeah, just let it go. I'm letting it go. You know what we've neglected to point out over the last few games is how they're piling up all these points without a few regular contributors. We've all been, you know, spanking our monkeys over this Hughes kid.

And rightly so, man. He played 32 minutes last night. And he did it looking exactly like booger. from Revenge of the Nurtz. Brodine, Bogosian, Middleton, I believe Zuckarillo's out, Johansson. I think I... Wait till they get all these guys back.

I don't think I've seen any of those guys out there the last couple, three hockey games. If I'm mistaken, and one of these guys played last night, you can text me, but the point being, you know, they're dragging these nervous guys up from the Iwoeigen team, and they're still getting it done. Yeah. The Russian kid, Matt Boldie, had a nice game last night.

Teresenko. He's been on fire lately. Scored again. Nothing but good times. That 32 minutes by Hughes is the most played in the league this year. And I thought I read that it's the most played in a non-overtime game in quite a few years maybe. The kid's got legs. He's got legs on him.

I've been mostly impressed, like I said a few days ago, I've been mostly impressed by the defense and the goaltending. Yeah. They've allowed just nine goals during this six-game win streak. And up next is that big back-to-back showdown we were talking about tomorrow night with Ed Mental Sunday playing Colorado. And that defense, by the way, has been good even before Hughes showed up. But obviously, he makes it even better.

So there's a scooters coffee shop in Blaine if someone didn't already mention that. Yep, that's what I was talking about. All right, we were talking about scooters coffee. And people are texting and saying Greg Biffle was not the pilot. You know, whatever. Good. Thank you. Thank you for that.

It just so sad all the way around. Right. All right. Yeah, the pigs got a big weekend ahead of them. I wanted to bring this up yesterday when we had Marcus on the telephone. But we didn't get around to it. Some article popped up the other day. You know, the craziest stories in hockey history, this, that, the other thing.

I wanted to save this. Since we missed out with Marcus, I wanted to save it for Ashley. Ashley, do you want to hear the saddest hockey-related story that you'll hear all day? Yeah. Okay. Plenty of older hockey fans are familiar with this one. But it's interesting enough to share over and over again. The Pittsburgh Penguins once had a real actual penguin for a mask.

got. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. I love penguins. Do you love the... Yes, yeah, that's up there. They're a little clunky, chubby, they're a stiff-legged little bastard. They fall into the water. Did you see that, Josh, the way she imitated a penguin ring there? That got me. Thank you for that. When the penguins first got into the league, 67, same year as the North Stars, if I'm not

mistaken. They were trying to figure out how to get fans in the building. The Pittsburgh Zoo agreed to lend them a penguin named Pete to serve as their mascot. The team even got CCM, the hockey company, to make Pete a little tiny set of skates to fit over his little penguin feats. Penguins can't skate. Oh, is that right? They don't know how to skate? Well, the penguins even, the franchise even made a move for that very reason. They hired a figure skater to teach Pete how to skate. Oh, my gosh.

I love it. They hired a professional figure skater to teach Pete how to skate. And apparently, he did go out there once or twice in between periods. Dude. Shuffle around. I would die. What did you say? No.

Oh, yeah, I remember actually this is a sad story. Oh, no. And this was all just the greatest gimmick in hockey until Pete died of pneumonia. What? Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy New Year. But he's a penguin. Did he die on the ice?

They built him some little warming house, you know, to live in at the arena. Yeah. When he wasn't skating around between periods. While drunks threw sardines at him or something from the upper deck, they built them a little warming house, but somehow the temperature was too extreme that when he would come out of the morning, onto the ice, and it was cold, and then he died of pneumonia.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody. I hate that organization, no. We miss you, Pete the Penguin. Yeah. You had a good run. We love you very much. Actually, I found some videos on YouTube. You're going to want to check that out.

I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. Your heart cat, you're already. Did you find videos of Pete the Penguin? Yeah. Dude. Well, this wraps up our situation here, Randy Schaver and Brad Ryder, but let me tell you, we sure do wish both he is a wonderful Christmas and what happened?

I'm watching this video of Pete the Penguin. Did he fall down? No, he did. That was just the beginning of his problems. He doesn't skate too much. He's just kind of, he's more walking. But I guess the end of the story in this YouTube video I'm watching, they had him sent to a taxidermist and they had him in the team's office.

But then I guess people got kind of creeped out by that and they took Pete the penguin out of the office. Well, where is he now? I'm not sure. He's in like Mario Le Mews, a businessman cave. This penguin. Brad and Randy, have a glorious Christmas and tell the family we said hello

and, you know, thanks for everything. You bet. All right? Have a great Christmas. You guys, too. We'll talk to you. I think we're coming back on the 29th or something. We'll talk to you then.

And there you go. We'll return with more here in a few minutes on the half-ass morning show. The 93-X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should, too. An AC tune-tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat.

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Vince Colon-A's is redefining news talk. I'm Vince Colon-A's host of the Vince podcast. I'm bringing you the truth beneath the headlines of all of the nation's top stories. In-depth interviews. We feature newsmaking interviews with the top guests on the whole planet. And I'll ask the questions you only dream of other interviewers asking. And a front row seat to the most important conversations of the day.

It's a show with an obsessive, focus on what's good for America, you are going to love Vince. The Vince Show, follow and listen on your favorite platform. 93X, the home of the half-assed morning show. Here we go, ultimate F off day, the Christmas edition. We're down to 27 minutes remaining until we can get the hell out of here. We won't be anywhere near the radio station next week, but we're coming back before the new year. but while we have a chance

we made this statement earlier but doesn't hurt to say it again thanks to our listening audience for making another miserable year quite tolerable we appreciate you quite a bit all right Cubby hit the Christmas music do you think Christmas music is appropriate

for what's about to happen I was just going to ask if I could put my headphones down and go have a cigarette and let you guys talk amongst yourselves play the Christmas music Christmas music you think is appropriate for this next thing? I do. Okay, we can do that. I do. It's time. It's a tradition, and I've gotten some requests via our text message. I actually had this text here come in earlier, Josh. It says, how long will the clam chowder story last? I want to know how long to keep my radio off. Yeah. It's very traumatizing.

It sure is. They say. But it is a tradition. Every year. kind of like the way what happens, Josh, when you're a kid. Mom and Dad sit you down and tell you the story of, what is it? What's the story they tell? Around Christmas? Yeah, the night before Christmas? Yeah, there you go.

Mom and Dad sit you down and read you the night before. Christmas Carol, maybe that's another one. To tradition around here on the Half Fast Morning Show that come the holiday season, I share the Clam Chowder story. For that gentleman who asked how long it will be, I'll go as quick as I can. I will. But, you know, I got to go into some detail.

I like to paint the picture, in this case, the color that I'm painting with is blood red, mixed with an off white. It's almost like a strawberry swirl, but I'll get to that. I'll get to that. Well, and then there's the odor of clam is in the air as well, which kind of adds a little extra barfness to it. When's the last time you walked into a room and smelled clam? Oh, it wasn't too long ago. Yeah? Yeah. Many years ago on a night just like tonight.

Honestly, it's got to be 25 years ago now. We were celebrating Christmas over at my folks' place, including a visit from my old-ass grandma. And she was very old at this point. Like, where are we talking? 80s? Yeah, mid to late 80s, all broken down. for some still unknown reason. Someone in my family brought a large vat of clam chowder to the party. New England clam chowder, white and creamy, don't you know, piping hot.

New England clam chowder. I had no idea, and I don't think I was alone. I had no idea why this big barrel of swill had been added into the mix. So it wasn't a tradition? No. Because every family probably has traditions, certain foods that every year you get. It had never been part of any prior Christmas celebrations in our family.

So I was a little confused. I think my brother was as well. I had never had clam chowder up to that point in my life. So I didn't go anywhere near it. But my broken down grandma was just foaming at the mouth as soon as she saw it. And she was the first to go fill a bowl. with this steaming hot, creamy clam chowder. She went and parked her ass at a table and began windmilling it in the direction of her old

wrinkly mouth. Now, there's something you have to know about my grandma and all of her children. An absolute 100% absence of any table manners at all. that side of my family has always been very difficult to eat with because they would just fire their meals somewhere towards their faces, hoping to get some of it in their yaps. It was always awful to be part of. It would make me sick.

So it wasn't just that she was old and didn't care anymore? It kind of had always been the case? Always. Okay. And all of her children. So there's that's grandma. And she's spooning the clenie. clam chowder at her word giver, I made a point of not watching, fully aware of how grotesque

it will be. So I turned my back. I didn't want to watch Grandma eat clam chow. But then suddenly I heard my mother say, in a concerning tone, I heard my mother say, oh, oh, oh, Margaret, which was my grandmother's name. I had to look, Josh. I looked over towards my grandma to see that she had a massive nosebleed.

Oh, God. Just like you mean just like a little bit that stayed right under her nostrils. Oh, no. I am the blood. Yes, Josh, the thick stream of blood. I saw it pouring out of her nose portals. and splashing down into her bowl of clam chowder.

Fat red raindrops is what they looked like, Ashley, were plopping down into her clam chowder. She's oblivious to this. I'm guessing, Josh, my grandma, with the lack of sensation in her face due to old age, I mean, I know she had no idea. My guess is because she had no sensation left in her face due to old age. She had no idea that she was hemorrhaging plasma into her soup.

Now, because she had no idea that blood was cascading down her face, she continued to sweep this now pink bowl of gram chowder. I've given it a new name. It turned into gram chowder. Oh, that's perfect. She's sweeping it into her cake hole. and going back to her lack of table manners, much of the strawberry swirl-colored liquid

was also decorating most of her face and dripping off of her thousand-year-old chin. It was horrible. What I'll always remember about that night, Josh. It was a night just like tonight. They always are, right? What I'll always remember other than what I've already told you is the look on my ex-sister-in-law's face.

Because again, my mother said, oh, oh, Margaret, we all had to look. And we did. And then my ex-sister-in-law quickly turned away. What I'll always remember is the look on my ex-sister-in-law's face when she saw that grandma was now wearing a clam chowder blood beard. Till next year, everybody, there's Grandma's Clam Chowder story. You're welcome.

Especially Christmas. Wonderful. I like this text, all caps, for the love of God. I saw one text that are coming in too fast. I couldn't keep track, but one of them said this is the first time they've heard this story and they were loving it. Oh, it's a cherished holiday memory. Yeah, that's how I know it's Christmas. Everybody remembers their first clam chowder story.

I appreciate that so much. I do get a text now and again that says, it ain't Christmas till I hear about grandma and the blood and the clam chants. I appreciate that. I'm so happy to be part of a Christmas tradition for anybody. So there you go. Josh, you'll be seeing some of my family soon. I will, yeah.

I'm looking for, well, I should say I always like to see your family. Get someone else's take. Ask my brother or my sister. They both saw it. Yeah. Okay, I will. Oh, yeah. I mean, we were all there.

Yeah, if you want, if you want another angle on this. I know. I'll take the temperature of the room. Most of you are saying, who to hell wants another version of that story? I can to do, yeah. But maybe just get there. Bring it up and just get back to me on their facial expression. All right, we'll do.

Get the whole oral history. Maybe make a 30-for-30 documentary about it. Interview everybody. who was there that night. There you go. Speaking of Christmas, ah, Christmas. People are saying that re-gifting is acceptable now.

We've stopped rolling our eyes or reacting negatively to re-gifting. Don't do it in front of the person who gave you the gift, though. Like you hand it to me and then I just pass it over to Nick. Yeah. Oh, I don't think they mean that kind of re-gifting. I think it has to be a little more indirect than that to be acceptable.

Not like old school where Will Ferrell gives... Breadmaker? Owen Wilson, the breadmaker that he got him for his wedding. Gives it right back. Oh, you mean this model? No, no, I mean this exact one. My favorite part of that scene. Oh, here we go.

To new beginnings. Actually, I gave this to you for your wedding. This model? No, this exact one. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry. Okay. I hope you like it.

I love it. Thank you. Here's a listener back to the grandma story. Karen Rogers is a deuce Jesus wants to know if we took grandma to the vet the next day and had her put down. No, she's stuck around. What do you think, Josh, re-gifting? If you received a gift next week and you knew 100%? that it was a re-gifting situation.

Would you be offended, as Ashley would say when she does her Canadian routine? Would you be offended? If somebody gave me one, then... No, whatever. That's nice enough that they thought of me to get me something. Yeah, exactly. Especially now. Money's so tight. If you've got to do that, go for it. But I guess we're becoming more...

We're becoming more... What's the word, Josh? Sensitive? No. We're accepting. re-gifting. There's a word that I can't find, which happens daily around here. We are becoming more and more accepting of the idea of re-gifting. The only time I really thought it was sleazy was right here at the radio station. Some dude is going through our prize closet. We used to have

CDs and toys and just, right, just piles. Oh, I suppose our price closet is still quite massive. Yeah. A lot of T-shirts. Right? T-shirts and everything, right? There's still people stealing from it. Oh, really? Yeah, Josh saw it. Yeah, that's right, I did. That's right. I caught somebody loading up a backpack. That's right.

Years ago, I see a guy rustling through our prize closet, and he picks up a couple CDs, picks up a DVD, a couple of toys. And then fast forward, I'm at a Christmas event with him, and I see him giving these gifts to people. You know, he just stole them out of the prize closet. It didn't spend a dime. And these people are like, oh, wow, how thoughtful. Thank you. Yeah, you bet. No problem.

Oh, man. And I wanted to say, what the hell? That I thought was kind of sleazy. This same guy would ask me, like, when I used to buy a lot of DVDs, he's like, hey, do you have any you don't want anymore? I want to send him to my kid for Christmas or his birthday. So I used DVD. Yeah, it was open and everything. So I mean, I would give them to him,

but I kind of thought, like, this is what you. you're giving them and the guy was making decent money as far as I know he was a boss I'm assuming he's making good money yeah he he was definitely very cheap in that regard re-gifts re-gifting is okay it seems we've come around to it here in America used gifts are different story give me a break yeah gave me a friggin movie that you've watched a thousand times you know the seal is broken on the, that's just. Discs scratched up because he watched it so many times.

What are you going to do? What can we say here on our way out? You got anything, Covey? Well, yeah, once again, thanks for the nice text coming in. And, you know, it is nice hearing from you every morning, and there's a lot of regulars that text in, and we genuinely appreciate it. So it seems like a good time a year to say thank you for that. Yeah, I got nothing but appreciation to our listeners.

And to my high maintenance coworkers here. We're off next week. We'll be back before the new year. Give us a week to finally catch up on some sleep, repair some fractured relationships. It's a good time of year for that too. And we'll be back before the new year. You know what relationship I'm hoping to repair while we're off?

Josh, I'm going to work on getting to know myself. Can I... Give a little journey, just you, yourself and I. I got a personal journey I've got to go on. You've got to give me six, seven days to do it. I would hope that you'd kind of get to know my friend, Nick, because you know what? I think you're really going to like him. There's a question that needs to be answered, Josh.

What's that? Who the hell am I? And I'm going to get to the bottom of that while we're... Are you coming back, Josh? Here, while we're gone? No, no, no. Are you coming back? Oh, it's yet to be determined, but I think so.

I think I'll be back. Yeah, on the 29th and 30th, we're back? I will be back those days. Dana? As long as my key works, I'll be back. be here. Yeah, as long as the Cuberks, it's always the risk. On the way out, Dana, Ashley? No, just thankful for all of you

guys and appreciate all the brotherhood and sisterhood. It's been up another great year. A lot of fun events we've had between the Border Bash, the boat crews, toys for Tatas. You know what wasn't cool, Dana? What? Off air, I was saying, you know, I'm going to miss it, and I'm going to miss you guys when we're gone and they left me hanging.

Did they? I said it's going to be weird, not coming in here. So you're saying they don't want to keep it going over Christmas break? They didn't say a darn thing. They left me hanged. Ashley and I didn't have a response, man. I was sharing how I felt.

So then I just said, oh, I had to pretend I was on the phone. Oh, yeah, I was talking to somebody else. You were talking to your... Oh, I'll miss you too, Josh. Merry Christmas, everybody. Thank you so much. Can we close the show with the Friday morning fart song? I do have some shoutouts.

You still can't find the Friday morning fart song? No, we were told not to... Music licensing, you understand. Oh, that's right. You understand. Yeah, I mean, we're a little early, but I don't care. It's ultimate F-off day. Let's hear the shout-outs, and then we'll see you in a week, everybody.

And I should say if we missed yours, I apologize. We always try and get to them, but the texts do come in kind of fast at times, so we don't get to all of them, but it's never on purpose. I don't have a name behind this text, but nice work to the listener who'll celebrate 7,777 days sober on Monday. That's awesome. That's great. Good luck to knows everything about nothing, Jesus, going in for a little, seizure on Monday. Happy 13th to Maya from Mom and Dad. Happy early birthday to Day After Christmas, Jesus,

whose birthday is the day after Christmas? Happy freaking birthday to River Pissor Jesus from Tips Up, Jesus. Happy birthday to Riley from your buddy, Kyle. Happy 50th to Sarah from Keystone Light Jesus. Happy birthday to Monkey Girl, who's brought 23 years of happiness to your old man, skull dipping and spitting Jesus, and to Santa Files and those of us who have a healthier relationship with the big guy in red have the happiest of holidays. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning.

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