93X Half-Assed Morning Show - H.A.M.S. 4077th

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

Originally Aired February 4, 2026: Gassy grandmas. Footloose. Everything you wanna know about key string artillery shells.   Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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This is very likely the last live show you'll get this week out of the 93X half-ass morning show. Because we're coming apart at the seams. It's an infirmary. Even Ashley's car is sick. I know. A sickness has spread throughout the radio station. If you've been listening this week, you've heard me coughing up and down. We probably should have just stayed in bed.

I caught the sickness. I suppose if I wanted to be a douchebag, I might say that I have. How would I say it, Josh, like the song. I might say I've become down with the sickness. You have a license to ill. Now, Josh has caught the sickness. And as Josh mentioned, Ashley's car broke down on her way to work. this morning. We don't know where she is. So Dana, you don't strike me as the type of guy that can

handle a lot of pressure, but if the rest of us drop dead, we're counting on you to close out the rest of the show today and then dispose of our remains. Yeah, you can look forward to our interview with Marcus Felino at 8 o'clock this morning. No, just by being associated with the program, he is also sick and will not be on the show. He got sick today, too. And I even told you guys about my day, so I barely slept last night. It was under a pile of blankets, just kind of shivering. So you've caught the sickness And I was getting ready to leave I was walking out of the door

And I felt a little sniffle So I kind of like wiped my nose And I caught the worst bloody nose Of all time Because of the dry air in our house So I was down in the basement With a pile of I almost went through an entire thing

Of Kleenexes Trying to get rid of this bloody nose Trying to get it to stop So you haven't caught the sickness I don't know I'm getting sick I know that But are you up or down with the sickness What's going on?

I can't tell. You know, I think I'm mid-sickness right now. The dry air in your home caused you to bleed. Yes, it was a mess. And I have like a bathroom to clean up in the basement I get back because it was pouring. It was basically pouring out of my nose. Mouse and Jesus, Jesus caught the sickness,

and he thinks it's from listening to the show. Yeah, we are that contagious. Fallen. The guys at the wild said somehow Marcus, even though he wasn't in studio, he caught whatever's going around here. Yeah, he gave us a telephone call. said he ain't going to make it. Falling apart at the stinking seams, Cubby.

Oh, man. We had Friday off already. Who's taking Friday off? The show was planning on taking Friday off already. We were? You know this. So it's good timing to get sick, I get. Well, maybe it's terrible timing.

I can't figure it out. We're here because we generally don't like taking sick days. Older radio types like Josh and I were taught in our early days that if you can walk upright and make a word or two into a microphone, you show up for your shift. I was just talking to Dana about this last night. Now it's different. They don't want you here.

And somebody's probably going to get mad at us that we're actually here. Don't care. There were days. I mean, both of us had this situation, Nick, where we were here throwing up in garbage cans, you know, just absolutely dragon, looking like zombies. You would get browbeaten in the building by the rest of the staff if you took a sick day. When you return the next day, you would be brow beaten by everybody in the building. So, I mean, I don't think you and I took a sick day for 15 years?

No, it's funny. That came up with Danny yesterday, too. I was trying to think maybe two days. And one of them I came in, but I had my Michael J. Fox voice, which what happens to me when I get sick. I had that on day one. Day two I came in, even though I just couldn't talk about it. It was laryngitis or whatever. Are you going way back here?

Oh, yeah, way back. I mean, this is our old building. Because I really don't think either one of us took a sick day between 1999 and 2011. Yeah, this was like our old building, so, you know, early 99 maybe. I don't even remember us until COVID kind of when they made us. It's miserable in here. We hope it doesn't sound too miserable because we're also here, not only because we were taught to avoid sick days at all costs,

but we're also here because we do have a general feeling of responsibility. Of course. And a love for our listening audience. But, you know, that might be the medication talking. No, you're right. We feel that way about the audience and ourselves, you know, wanting to be here for everybody. It's one of those things too where I mentioned yesterday. The hygienist I usually have was out on Monday.

She was sick. We keep getting, this is two, well, maybe even three weeks in a row where we're getting texts from the school saying, hey, your bus driver's sick. Can you come pick up your kid? Or tomorrow we're not going to have it. I mean, there's just, everybody's got something, it seems. So you say Ashley called you and she told you, look, my car broke down. You heard her scream and then the line cut off.

the last we've heard of her? Well, no, I heard, it sounded like the phone rustled for a second as if it was transferring between one person to another. And then I heard like some deep, obviously male breathing, right? And it was unsettling and then the line went dead. Oh, man, I honestly, I'm going to have trouble even laughing this morning, which is something that happily I do quite often working with you, Jagoffs. I don't even know if I'll be able to laugh because it's just going to turn into a cough. I did go to see my doctor yesterday. Josh knows my doctor.

Oh, yeah. Dr. Vinny Boombots! Hey, how's he doing? He's good. Vinny Boombots told me, Dr. Vinny Boombots told me, Dr. Vinny, that supposedly whatever it is that's ailing me does have a cure.

So, we're just going to have to go ahead anyway and give it our damn best. We get texts like this when you're sick saying you sound like Mike Roe. That's not fair. You get to sound like Mike Roe and I have to sound like a different mic, Michael J. Fox. I've heard this dozens of times. I don't, I'm not familiar with Mike Roe.

Hopefully he's one hell of a wonderful guy. Dr. Vinny did tell me some doctor jokes. You want to go in that direction real quick? Sure, I like Dr. Jokes. What's the last time we traded Dr. Jokes back and forth? Boy, I don't know, long time. You want to try one or two with these? Sure.

All right. A guy walks into the doctor's office, right? And he says, I think I'm going deaf. And the doctor said, describe the symptoms. And the guy said, well, Homer is bald. Marge has blue hair. Took me a second, but that was worth it. I mean, this one, this is an old dad, Joe.

I seem to only get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system. Oh, for Christ's sake. That had Josh written all over it. Let me try this one on you. This is not me talking. This is my doctor. You know my doctor, right, Josh?

Yeah, Vinny Boobot. Dr. Vinny Boombots. He tried this one out on me. I'm going to use it on you now. What do the doctor say? The doctor says to a guy, sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. And the guy says, and?

All right. F you guys. I enjoyed those. That one was my favorite. We got a text message that came in here from Fraud Investigator Code Brown. That's his name? Fraud Investigator Code Brown? Oh, he added the Code Brown unless there's a couple of them.

Yeah. Okay. Interesting name. Today is his Friday. He's leaving for Lake of the Woods tomorrow. And he says he's giving everyone the double bird on his way out of town. Good for you, bro. Get her done.

Yeah, have a good trip. I'm going up north on Friday, too, to go ice fishing for the first time of my life. Get her. And you're going with your father-in-law? Yeah, Ice Castle Jesus. He's a longtime listener to the show. Where are you going? Lacks.

Oh, dude. Yeah. We're going to Brainerd, and we're going to try and do some ice fishing. Are you? Well, we were planning on it, and I don't know now. I don't know if anybody wants to sit in a, you know, like an ice house with me at this point. Oh, that's a good point. Well, that's interesting.

You've never wet a line in any fashion. I mean, off the dock a couple times or off a pontoon, just kind of tossing one in at my old grandparent's place back in the day. But other than that, no, I've little to no fishing experience. Certainly never in an ice shack. No, God no. Just the two of you? No, my wife will be there, too.

Three of us hang out. Have you warmed up to any of what you need to know? ahead of time. Have you been tying lines or, no, okay. That's not going to be my responsibility. He's going to tie them, tie a rod and reel for you and hand it to you. Probably, yes, I'm guessing. Or my wife, she's an experienced ice fisher.

Ice fisher person. Person, ice fisher woman. Well, don't fall in. That's what I've heard. I asked some people for advice. They said, well, don't step in the hole. The hole itself is a magnet for phones and keys. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Keep that away from there. What else do they say? If you got to pee, don't do it right outside the house. You know, go around back or something like that. So how many nights are you spending out there, too? Just one night. Just one.

Are you got, I mean, is this, how fancy is this going to be? One of those giant castles? Yeah, he's got one of those nice ice castles. So I can't claim that I'm, like, going to be like rugged outdoorsman type. It's a heated ice cat. I think it even has Wi-Fi. Oh, they got everything. Yeah.

And, you know, an oven, we'll be making pizzas and drinking beers and stuff. Those are nuts, man. Yeah, this isn't like the old school type of just a shack and we're all bundled up and sitting there with our boots on the ice. This is going to be luxurious. So I can't really claim much Minnesota cred for going ice fishing this. I'm not really, but it's just step forward. Yeah. Yeah, you're starting out.

It's never going to be the same after that. No, exactly. If you get into this, if you enjoy it. I've never been in, well, I should take that back. I've been in one of those since, you know, fancy there. But it would be like at a show or Big Bearded Jared has one. and he was nice enough to show me around his. It's incredibly nice.

I've always been in the real outhouse crappy ones that are somehow 140 degrees in there. I was going to pass on some more advice to you. Yeah, please. You said, yeah, people have told you to stay away from the holes. It'll suck up your telephone. It'll suck up your car keys. Don't sleep on the top bunk.

Too hot. Is it? When you stay in a fish house, never ever agree to sleep on the top bunk. There's a temperature difference of around 147 degrees between the bottom and the top bunk. Okay, I have beef with my wife then because we were talking about sleeping arrangements last night. She's been in this ice castle a million times, and she was talking about her.

She goes, yeah, so you'll take the top bunk. I'll take the low bunk. And she knows I run hot, too. Why would she do this to me? I have more advice for you. Yes. When your wife goes into the crapper, don't look. Don't look at what she left in there.

It'll ruin your attraction to her completely. That happened to a friend of mine. That's good advice. He left his wife after you. he saw what she. He left her. Left her in the ice house. She got in the truck and left. Oh, no. They were ice fishing together and she went in there to cut a deuce. And he was next. And he said, after what he found in there, he said, I can't be with her anymore. That seemed so extreme, but I guess I didn't see what he saw. I wasn't there. No, he said it was like a

football. Oh, no. Oh, man. She must have been hanging on to that for a while. Well, if it's anything like my wife loves to fish too she grew up doing it really into it um you know you have your wife bait the line um and then you know it's it's tough to pull a fish off the hook if you actually catch something when you're crying you know you're weeping for the family of that fish let your wife do that too you're crying for the loss of the explain that again well i'm just thinking like this this guy's probably he's going to his third job just trying to make a living for his family or whatever the fish and then i'm an a-hole i don't even like to eat fish and i kill him for reason because, well, my wife can save him. But if I get a hook out of it, it's like a horror show.

It's a Dexter or something like that. I just absolutely do. I make it worse. You are living the high life up there this weekend in one of those ice castles, whatever the hell they're called. They're so beautiful and comfortable now. I got some stories for you from staying in the real garbage rental houses. Oh, my damn. Where they deliver you a porta potty, right for the weekends so you and your five, six buddies can all go out to the porta potty and just create

an absolute horror show. But a couple times they didn't bring us a cleaned porta potty. Oh no. They just pushed one over from the dudes who just got done rent in the house three days ago, right? So you got the sloppy seconds.

We're already behind the eight ball. And I mean, You know, you call the guys back at the resort and say, yeah, you know, you didn't clean out our outhouse. It's already three quarters full. Yeah, we'll be out there. They never show up. And so, Cubby, by the end of the trip, we got a mountain that's cleared the toilet seat by about 13, 14 inches.

And icebergs that could sink the Titanic. Oh, gross. But you won't have that problem because he got the John right inside the ice castle. Don't go in there after your wife goes in there. Won't go in there after my wife goes in there. Now, are you going to sleep with clothes on? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, you're going to be even hotter if you're up there on the top bunk.

Oh, man, I'm going to sweat my balls off in there, aren't I? We had another one that was so, well, here's the thing. Those wicked hot top bunks, those experiences came from those garbage rental places. Sure. This one might be a little bit more climate control. I imagine with this $750,000 ice castle, they probably have wonderful. What's the word you used? Climate control?

Right. But I mean, oh my damn, at some of those, using some of those rental houses in the past, it was just so brutally hot to me. Oh, there was one that was so riddled with mice, Josh, that speaking of... This is one of the porta-potties? No. Or an ice house? Fish house. Rental. That we, you know, three, four of us rented up north for two, three days. It was so riddled with mice. Speaking of, you know, sitting down on the head, this one had a head inside the house. We weren't exactly thrilled about that. We preferred to have the outhouse out, you know, 20 feet away from the fish house, right? You got a toilet right there. I mean, it stunk. It

was terrible. We didn't really, we weren't really excited about that from the get-go. But it was also so riddled with mice, Josh, when I sat on the toilet in that fish house, if I look, away, three, four little mouse heads would peek up. Like they were all hanging out on a shelf where you keep the toilet paper. You see what I'm saying? So when I'd look away, they'd look at me. But when I looked at them, they'd look away. You see what I'm saying?

We had this little game riddled with mice. You can feel them crawling around on you while you're trying to sleep. Oh, that would drive me nuts. But you won't have those problems. No, no, I'll be living in the high life. Tanker Jay says, you guys sound like a bunch of teens. coaching their buddy who's just about to lose his virginity. Well, yeah.

He wants to make a good impression, you know, in front of one of three father-in-laws. That's true, yes. And it's been a long time coming. We've been trying to get this on the schedule for a couple winters now. Last winter, if you remember, like, the ice never really froze over. We had the most mild winter ever last year. So I don't even think my father-in-law ever got out to go ice fishing. You're going to put a treble hook right through your D-skinned or something like that.

You're going to take out your wife's eye or something? Well, that's kind of what put me off fishing when I was a kid. I was in Boy Scouts for about six minutes, basically, and we went fishing one time. And one of my dumb-ass buddies were just flinging the reel around and just hooked me right in my hand. And we almost had to go to the ER to get it taken out or urgent care or whatever. But it got pulled out and I said, you know what, I'm good on fishing, I think, and Boy Scouts for the rest of my life. My sister got me in the arm once on a cast. Yeah.

That hurt pretty good. It was like right in the index finger. It's just in there real good, too. and it's just like almost like to the bulb, you know? And it just, I just said, yeah, no, I think I'm, I think that's a career on fishing for me. Here's a good idea when it comes to sharing a fish house with your wife. Bring cat litter or sawdust with you. And when she asks why you have cat litter or sawdust, you tell them to cover up her pooh-poo's.

And pee-pees? You don't have to use it on the peepies. Just the poohs. Yeah, she might be offended by that. What do you think your wife would say, Josh, if you had a bucket of, sawdust and cat litter going up north for a fishing trip, and you told her, well, it's for when you go into the bathroom to cut one, I can cover it up. Boy, I don't know.

I wonder how she would. She's pretty laid back, but she might be kind of embarrassed by that. You're going to take a treble hook right to your scrote. And yes, I absolutely know what a treble hook is. I do not need either of you to explain it to me. It's the opposite of a base hook. Oh, yeah. The complete opposite.

And I also know what a basic is, Josh, but some people might not know the difference between a bass hook and a treble hook. Mine was a music joke. Oh, I see. Yeah. I honestly thought you're still talking about fishing. Yeah, you'll have fun. You mentioned mild winters. I was telling Nick, you know, part of our plan this weekend was to rent snowmobiles and the place was like, yeah, we're not renting them right now, not enough snow. Oh, really? Yeah, which surprised me a little bit. We might try a different place, but, although I keep like reading about how you really should know how to ride one and I haven't ridden one in a really long time. And I'm grandfathered in. I think I think I'm like just at six months old enough to not have to take the course through the state.

You know, depending on your age, there's either a hybrid course or an in-person course or online, so I could go online. This is the first. You told me about this a couple days ago. This is the first I've heard of this. Suddenly now you need some type of certificate to ride a snowmobile? Yeah, or at least to rent one. I'm assuming it's to ride one.

And so I can't remember if it started last year or this year. I'm sure some folks that are into this could let us know. So I looked it up and honestly I think I'm six months. I was born just at the right time. If I was born six, seven months later, sorry, I would have to take that course. So they're making 40-year-old people go get some kind of a certificate to ride a... If I read it correctly. So yeah, like a 49-year-old would have to take the course.

If this is true, I mean, I suppose it makes sense. It was a couple years ago I heard about kids now having to get a boat operator's license of some sort. Oh, do they? That's what I heard a couple of. I can't be 100% sure. I heard this a couple years ago. I mean, I guess it's not a terrible idea. It's just so different.

Yeah, I mean, we snowmobiled as kids. No one ever asked us, Jack Squat. When we were 12, 13 years old. We used to go like hell. You were worried about whether or not you were worried because it's been a long time since you've ridden one. Yeah, and I want to look cool. Can you push your thumb forward?

Yeah, I can do that. Can you hang on? It depends on the day. You're good. I don't have quite the forearm strength I used to. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like you said, maybe some snowmobilers can text in. Is this a thing now?

You need to, if you're under 50, you need to get some kind of a certificate. Somebody all said 1979 was a cutoff. Maybe I read it wrong. I thought it said 1976. Boating, same thing. I heard it, you know, I heard about it a couple years ago. Obviously, I don't care. I'm in my 50s, but I heard that kids are now having to get some kind of a certificate.

it, hell my dad would never cared. No one ever cared. My brother and I would take his boat out fishing when we were 12. Okay, so I think this is what I read from Mediocre Machinist Jesus and thank you. If you were born on or before December 31st, 1976, you don't need to take a course for a snowmobile license. Okay, so I'm even better off than I thought. So I'm

1975, March of 1975. So everybody else I was making fun of saying, hey, you guys are to have to get online or my son he wouldn't even have time so he there's no way he could do it because he'd have to go to a class here's a listener that says everyone has to go through a boating safety program no matter how old you are first i've heard of it and i have a boat i'll have to look into this all right yeah get bent fishing jesus said he's 41 and he had to get it are you talking about snowmobile oh yeah snowmobile license man well this has been fun though brought back some great memories of nightmarish ice fishing weekends and garbage rental houses and

and all the hell we used to raise as kids. We, all the hell we used to raise as kids on snowmobiles. I hit a tree once. I almost did. I came as close as you can. It probably affected my ability to get an education. When I was about 11 years old,

I was going buck wild on my mom's snowmobile, and I just smacked a tree. Of course, we never wore helmets. I just bashed my forehead into the windshield. Josh, didn't you see somebody to wreck up brand new, just unboxed snowmobile ones? Both Nick and I did. You both did, okay.

And it wasn't even his own. It was this guy borrowing a friend who just got it. We used to take a couple snowmobile trips through work, and it was a lot of fun. You know, Tesla was there. It was great. We had a blast. And there was a guy, he was, I don't know if he was drunk or what. He was definitely showing off.

It was obvious he'd never been on a sled before. And he was going buck wild. I mean, everybody was telling him, you've got to chill out, dude. And he crashed into a tree, shattered this thing into a thousand. pieces. Again, it wasn't even his. That sucks so bad. And that was the same trip, a former co-worker of ours, put diesel

into his parents, his father-in-law, mother-in-law sled, and blamed his 12-year-old nephew. Do you ever hear of that, Nick? Hey, when in doubt, blame the kids. Yeah, he's like, oh, I don't know what happened there. The kid, I told him to fill it up. He blamed the 12-year-old kid for it.

And, of course, the biggest snowmobile tragedy of all time, Josh, was the chicken wing incident. when you won them at meat raffle. That was one of those years. One of the times you wanted a meat raffle. The only time I think you said you've ever won a meat raffle, you won a bunch of chicken wings, you put them on the back of the sled,

and they came flying off. He stuffed them up the back of his jacket for our trip back to the resort. Josh won the meat raffle. Chicken wing, chicken wing. You must have 150 chicken wings up the back of your... Yeah, I was so excited. I'd never won a meat raffles.

I've never won such a prize. I was riding by. behind Cubby on these weak-ass governored sleds that we rented up there. And suddenly the wingy fell out the back of his jacket, landed on the ice, shattered. Wings everywhere. Oh, no. Cubby's crying, trying to sweep him into his pockets. I said, just leave them for the friggin' critters.

Is there a five-second rule on a frozen lake? Steelers fan Jesus said a few years ago, he and the wife went to the Keys. They rented jet skis. She's a little older. He had to take a jet ski course, and she didn't. And he said, keep in mind, I've been riding dirt bikes, four-wheeler, snowmobiles, my entire life. Meanwhile, she hadn't ridden anything, didn't have to take a course. I've never heard of a lot of this stuff.

Suddenly, we're having to get certificates and licenses to do all these things. But I don't pay much attention. What else is going on? So it might just be the three of us today. Ashley called in earlier, said her vehicle broke down. She was screaming, crying. Josh hung up on her. I guess, well, wait.

I did not hang up on it. Come on, man. I didn't hang up on her at all. The kidnapper hung up on me. Yeah, it sounds like the phone got thrown out of a moving car. Yeah. We'll have to wait and see what this becomes. Oh, people are saying we never told Dana about the ice cracking.

Oh, ice cracking? Are you familiar with that? It gets loud sometimes. If you're not, the first time I heard it, it freaked the heck out of me. I thought, well, we're going through. But don't worry, it's totally normal. Is it? Okay.

Are you nervous to drive out onto the ice? Oh, my wife will take care of that. But still, I'm nervous to just drive with my wife. Oh, yeah. Okay, just being in a car? Yeah. Are you nervous to sleep overnight on a sheet of ice? A little bit.

Yeah. A little bit. It can be unnerving, but it's supposed to be plenty. Wait a minute, wait a minute. You'll love it. It's supposed to warm up quite dramatically. Yeah, I think so. That's not good.

No. It's not good. Stop doing this. I saw my uncle bought it. Went through the ice in a rental house. house drowned on a weekend just like this weekend. I think we're coming up on the anniversary, as a matter of fact. What's the date?

Right now it's the fourth. Oh yeah, Saturday will be the anniversary of when my uncle fell through the lake in a rental house. And is that East Rush Lake, right? East Rush Lake. Yeah. He made it to the surface, but then some people just kicked him right back down to the bottom of the lake.

No, I'm sorry. He's a very popular guy. Oh, I know, but am I wrong on this? Or is he not a guy? ghost who haunts the lake and takes a victim every year on the anniversary? Like, especially a newbie? Yes. That's the story, right?

He comes up from the hole and don't get cute with that. My dead uncle, the ghost who haunts East Rush Lake, his spirit rushes up through the bottom of your ice fishing hole. He pulls an artery out of your thigh. You bleed out before emergency services can reach you and you die. Have a good weekend, Dana. Yeah, you're going to have a blast. Yeah, yeah.

I'll maybe see you guys on Monday. We've got to get going. We've got some great stupid news stories coming up here in a few minutes. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too.

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I'm tired of this. Working while sick. I'm telling you the truth. This might be our final final. Everybody in the building's sick. Yeah, I was 50-50 this morning. Feeling better now. Thanks to the drugs Dana gave me.

Yeah, we have a very elaborate first aid kit all of a sudden. A first aid kit? Yeah. I was wondering, after I took the pills, I was telling Nick, I'm like, I wonder how old these things are and if that matters. I guess we'll find out. Got any of that goat weed in there? Now, they have anti-diarrhea medicine in case we're really in a bind someday.

Do they really? Man, you're right, they do have everything. They have, like, dental scrubs in there. They have, like, everything. What's a dental scrub? I don't know exactly. I didn't investigate too much. Oh, I'll give both the is a good dental scrub.

What was that? What was that horny goat weed? Yeah, you'd get that like at a gas station in the bathroom. It was supposedly, it gave you a heart on, right? I guess I'm not sure. It's something sexually. It makes you horny or something? Back in the old days, when you'd go to the classy joints in the men's room, they sold you some rubbers.

off the wall and even some of that horny goatweed. Also known as Baron Wart or Bishop's hat or fairy wings. Sounds very English. All of those terms get me horny. I don't even need to take the pill. So you found Cubby some dope, huh?

I did, yeah. All right. Yeah, we're hanging by a thread around here. Everybody's sick. If you're wondering where Smashley is, she called us at 3-4 in the morning and said her car broke down on the way to work. We don't know what's going on with her. But let's get back to business here.

Some text messages that have come in. I'd like to address these text messages before we start 69ing with the stupid news report. Dana told us earlier this weekend, he's headed off on his very first ice fishing trip. He's never ice fished. He's going to be set up in one of those cutesy ice castles with the microwave and the stereo and this, that, right? Fancy. people have been texting in. They're trying to scare you a little bit.

I've noticed that. About being out on the ice. You're spending the night. Mm-hmm. A couple people have been texting in trying to scare you. And there is, you know, they say ice is never 100% safe. I know that to be true. I've had my own personal adventures with the ice.

Here's a couple text messages that have come in. Tell me what you make of this, Dana. guy says he rented a shack, real piece of garbage, spent the weekend up summers. He had a dream as he was sleeping. He had a dream he was drowning when he woke up and ice heave had cut loose directly under his fish house. When he woke up, the house was at about a 30 degree angle. Oh, no. That's pretty freaky, man.

It almost swallowed him up just like my uncle. I didn't have a lot of experience. So one of the times we went snowmobiling, Nick, I remember there's people that would be jumping these ice berms or whatever. And then a huge, they disappear and there'd be a huge splash. Yeah. And there was one time I was going to, I'm like, oh, God, I can't slow down in time. So I'm just going to go for it.

And it was the same thing where the back end of the sled just kind of got in there. Your little bottom got all wet. Yeah. I mean, everybody was doing that. And I'm sure just took it out. But I for sure thought, well, I'm about to drown right now. Jesus. Now, you know this right.

Data, and this is for real skis. If you do fall in, if you end up under the ice, the hole looks dark from the bottom. Is that true? It's true. Oh, interesting. Yeah. If you go down skis and you sink a few feet and you're looking upwards to get that old Metallica song trapped under ice, I always like that song.

Oh, that's a good too. It's a dark-ass song. When you fall through the, and you want to find that opening that you just fell through, it will look darker than everything else you're looking at. Interesting. That's one way to get out of there. And you're going with your father-in-law? Yes.

You also might see his boot, like right there pushing you back down. Yeah, keeping me down. Look for the boot. That's what happened to my uncle. That's probably why he's wanted to go ice fishing with me for so long. He can finally just get rid of me. Does he have a record? Criminal record?

Yeah. Not that I know of. I don't think so. Do I make you Randy? Jesus texted in. And this is just kind of cute. Yeah, I've heard these stories before. he says when me and my bros go to Red Lake

we all take a minnow shot it all started at a bachelor party it was like an initiation thing all 15 of us took a shot of whiskey with a live croppy minnow in there and you feel it wiggling down your throat as you swallow that's news to me you said you've heard something like that before oh yeah I never

have you seen it oh yeah yeah I never played along with that bit, you know, fine. I'm not initiated. Oh, no, I'm not part of the club of you cool guys. There was seven of us trapped in a house. Something tells me I'm still going to fit in just fine, you know. So there you go. It's this weekend.

Dana's going to break his ice fishing cherry. I'm excited for you. I'm wondering if maybe this will be a thing for you now where you want to go. Everybody says I will like it. Oh, you'll love it. It's not that I never went ice fishing because I was against it or anything. I just never really had the opportunity. You were against it.

Growing up, I mean, I spent every weekend in a gym playing basketball in the winter, so the opportunity never really arose. Why were you against it? Against it. And especially until I got older. It's like it sounds like you just drink beer and sit around and have some laughs, have some laughs. Yeah, we'll see about that. That's the goal until your father-in-law tries to drown you.

And everybody else is laughing. All right, on to the stupid news. A room full of ass doctor. got the scare of a lifetime a few days ago in silly France. Josh knows if you ask doctors. Your body is always failing in one way or another, and it's usually the gross parts that are the source of the problem. You're nuts, your little pecker, and your dirty little back door.

Yeah, the no-go zones, definitely, those definitely are on view by doctors quite a bit, to the point where I have a butt guy and a butt gal now. Oh. You know, it goes to show you what all that clean living will do for you. You're the cleanest living prick I know, and your little body always has something wrong with it. Well, Doc says I don't exercise enough or get enough fiber. So those are two things they say I got to work on.

Or are you a hypochondriac? Did I say that correctly? No, but I'm terrified that I will be someday. Hypochondriac? Is that not the proper term? Yeah, where you're just to make it, you're scared of everything? being sick. Well, you always think that there's something going on.

Wrong with you. And I feel bad for you that it's all the naughty zones where you have issues because you don't even like being naked by yourself. And you've got to have strangers coming all the time checking everything out for you. No, and I'll tell you what, at least for my experience, it seems like when it's the more embarrassing ones, those are the ones where the students are, where they bring in a couple of nervous-looking college kids to take a look.

And as nervous as you are and as uncomfortable you are getting naked, in front of even yourself, you've always agreed to allow these students in the room because you have the option to say no. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I wouldn't feel right saying no. But there's something funny about how you're... I'm polite.

There's something funny about how you're built. You're constantly having to rest your pecker or your bag or your B-hole on the counter at a doctor's office for closer inspection. Yeah, I've been lucky. It hasn't really had too much going on, but for a while, you're right. My penis was irregular at a couple different doctors.

A lot of that was due to fertility issues when my wife and I were trying to conceive. Here's the deal with these French doctors I was telling you about. They were sent into a panic. Now, from what I understand, a 24-year-old character, 24-year-old dode, came a walking with a limp into the hospital. and he up to directly told the ass doctors that he wasn't feeling quite right ever since he fired something up into his tender bottom. And these stories are just a dime a dozen, if that's the proper term. It's just unbelievable how many people have this bizarre need to shove something.

But the dude, he upped and told him, I don't feel good ever since I. push something up my bottom. Now, apparently the doctors must not have asked him what exactly he had forcefully keistered himself with. They must not have asked him specifics or none of the rest of the story would have played out the way that it did. So the doctors put on the elbow deep rubber gloves

and they bent this poor kid over a saw horse to clear out whatever he had butt jammed. And the doctors saw that it was a damn artillery shell. I mean, you don't start there. He's been doing it for a while, but this seems like an old man game, not a 24-year-old man game.

You know, I pictured this being some dude in his 60s. He shoved everything up there at this point, and he wanted a little more danger for the arousal. It's just a kid. An artillery shell. Naturally, everyone ran for their lives. New guys in the corner, puking his guts out. The ass doctors ran.

They ran to the nearest telephone and they called in the bomb squad. Those poor bastards. The frigging bomb squad didn't ask for this. But next thing they know, they're on their knees looking up this kid's can trying to fist loose a damn artillery shell without killing everyone within a square block of the hospital. You evacuated a hospital. You evacuated a hospital, man, by how horny you got. That horny goatweed.

Yeah. Maybe that's what got him. Took too much of it, decided to throw the shell up his butt. Once this artillery shell was removed, once they cleared away all the soft, watery stool, the bomb squad fellers determined it was not an active shell, or whatever the proper term might be, not a live shell.

This damn thing went all the way back to World War F-Me running part one. So some kind of historic artifact for Pete's sake. It went all the way back to World War, uh. I don't know where the kid got it. Supposedly, the story mentioned that it's not uncommon kind of in that area. Every once in a while, something would get dug off, they'll find it. Can you imagine like that artillery shell is thinking, whoof, survived a war. Nothing can go wrong now.

It's easy living at this point. Right. That's disrespectful. I'd want to blow that up. Where did this happen again? This was France. Oh, France, that's right. Yes, we hear quite often that in France, Germany, World War II.

Yep. We hear quite often some do we mowing his frigging backyard, and the mower blades will strike something very hard, and it's an unexploded bomb from World War II. But this some bitch is World War I. That blows my mind. Me too. The OG. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, it seems like somebody, you know, in England somewhere, they're planting rhubarb, and all of a sudden they pull a bomb out of their garden. It gives you a good idea of just how peppered some of those different spots got because of World War II. They were just peppered constantly with bombs. This kid, this kid, this 24-year-old kid who squeezed the artillery shell, to his bong. He isn't off the hook for this. Not by a long shot.

The local cops are looking to charge this kid with some kind of weapons violation. And I say good, because that ain't right. I mean, a lot of stuff went wrong after that. What if that would have been a live shell that goes off? Everyone in the building is dead. I mean, they make toys for that, right? And covered in watery stool. For gentlemen as well, stuff they can put up there?

Sure. Would that be considered like a prostate massager? Or what, you know, is that the gist there? I don't follow such things. I'm not exactly sure. Are you, you're looking to define it somehow? Well, I thought they made stuff for that. I have no idea.

We can send you some links, Josh. Yeah, yeah, they make toys for... About everything. Everybody. You got to be pretty bored, I think, to risk something like that. Yeah. I'm up back there. Only cubby.

Would that be considered a prostate? Well, I like to learn, and I learn a lot about depravity from you guys on a daily basis. I know a lot about a lot when it comes to depravity, Josh, but I don't know the specifics of male butt toys. I don't. Well. I'll get back to you. I will. I will.

Here's a court case from up in Canada. And I wouldn't mind sitting in on this. It's just so frigging stupid. I think I would enjoy being ringside to see this all play out in court. A 38-year-old Canadian feller by the name of Weldon. Oh, and by the way, if you can believe this, Weldon is... Weldon is apparently from a town called Sackville. Come on.

You can take that. Take that in whatever direction you like. You know that town sign gets stolen on the regular for sure. Dude. Everybody's stealing that Sackville sign. Everyone's talking... Everyone's joking about. I'm going to take you to Sackville, that kind of thing.

Yep. Yeah, you're right. All your taxes are going to buy new signs. I want to see the logo on their high school football helmet. That's what I want to see. Just some wrinkly balls. 38-year-old fella Weldon from a town called Sackville, Canada. He's been setting in court here lately because of what he did to a couple of cops last summer.

says here, oh, he intentionally farted on a couple of cops. He did. And there were some more serious offenses, too. Let me go ahead and tell you all about it. One night last summer, stupid Weldon and his numskull buddy, they stole a motor vehicle, the cops chased him around town, they ended up in a field, Weldon got the vehicle stuck in the mud, Weldon ran, the police chased him. down and caught him.

Sometime after Weldon was placed into custody, he deliberately backed his ass cheeks onto the hip of one of the cops and farted. A couple minutes later, he put his ass on the other cop too and farted again. I hate that I think this is funny Now imagine being in this Canadian courthouse And hearing the following details Word is when Weldon dumped ass on the first cop Weldon said

Here's a present for you And when he... And when he pressed out a fart on the second cop He said, quote And here's a present for you too in court Weldon told the judge that he was very drunk

and he's embarrassed by his behavior he's been put on probation for six months Canadian he's on house arrest he's got to cut loose with community service and he can't drive a motor vehicle for a year Canadian I mean

yeah it's a bizarre funny story but is that an insane person just somebody who's so drunk they don't know what they're doing. He's kind of a jackass, hilarious guy. Although he's 38 years old. I mean, that plays in the world. He's not insane. He's not insane.

He was drunk. He thinks he's funny. Right. That's as simple as it gets right there. Yeah, he was drunk and he happened to have two in the chamber and he just kind of thought why not. I'll tell you what. Hey, I don't want you left out over there, pal.

I got one for you as well. Don't you worry, man. Somebody farts on me, like directly on me. They're going to have to fight for their life. I don't care if I'm a cop Or whoever I am In this world Somebody directly farts on me

Prepare to fight for your life Well I've been farted on a lot In my day Well that's babies and whatnot right I know well just you know like it That was middle school that'd be kind of a thing You'd be standing there and somebody would weaponize their butt Oh we didn't do that

We didn't have any games played with our units or our beholes when we were Kids No fart games Nothing surprising people with it or anything No, no, we didn't play that game. We thought it was off limits. Let's welcome Smashley to the program. We've been talking about you.

Your car broke down. What's going on? Hey, guys. Hi. I got it towed to the shop, and then the tow truck driver was nice enough to drop me off at home. So shout out to Rod from QT and T towing. Thanks, Rod.

Rod's awesome. Thanks for getting our gal here. Yeah. He was so nice. Like, one of the nicest tow truck drivers I've ever met. I've never had a problem ever with a guy named Rod. Yeah, I know me. Heck no.

So wait a minute. He took you home, then you got in another motor vehicle, and you drove here. Yep. Oh. Yeah, I grabbed my husband's truck, which is nice. I love taking his truck. Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.

Josh said you were screaming, crying. No, I was actually pretty chill about it. I just got in my car and then a bunch of stuff popped up. What the hell's wrong with your car? I don't, it's so funny. I love that my car does this. Instead of, like, a check engine light, It'll, like, actually give me a full sentence of what's wrong.

So it said something like transmission. It told me to put my car in park, not to drive. I was like, oh, okay, well, I guess I won't. I couldn't anyway. It was stuck in neutral. So that was exciting. But at least it happened at the gas station. Yeah, true.

You got snacks and you got a place to hang out. Yeah, I can be mad about that. Well, thanks again to ride. Yeah. And thanks for bringing us snacks. I imagine if you got some snacks, you brought us all something, right? Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, so after the next commercial break.

I left it in my car. Oh, shoot. Oh, and the car got told. So we'll get the snacks on Monday when you get the car back. She gave Rod the snacks. Right now, Rod's got a bucket of Andy's hot fries or whatever and some twinkies. He's having the best morning of his life. Before he showed up, I thought, well, at least, you know, it must suck for him to get these early morning phone calls.

But at least he's going to a gas station so he could grab some. something if he wanted to. That'd be nice. And then he asked me if it was cool if he ran in quick before we took off. I was like, oh yeah, go ahead. What am I going to say no? Rod, we're leaving now. I played beer league softball with a guy named Rod. I played pool league with a guy named Rod. My rod died. My rod didn't. Man, don't get cute with that. My beer league softball guy, Rod, he upped and died. All right, I'll tell you this, Cubby, as we continue on with the stupid news.

Did you hear that? Yeah. It was bad. Yeah, are you doing all right? No, no, no one in the room is doing all right. Yeah, we're hanging on by a thread here, Ashley. We're probably not coming to work tomorrow. I told Daniel last night, I'm about 50-50 on tomorrow.

There's never been anything in my life that I've wanted this badly. And here's where I'm going with that statement. A kid in India, by damn, does he want to become a doctor? Oh, he wants it so bad he can taste it. And he's willing to do any damn thing to get what he wants. 20-year-old kid got his whole life ahead of him. Suraj is the kid's name. Unfortunately, poor Suraj, he's upped and failed the exam to get into medical school twice.

He has. happens. And this is all he wants in life. He wants to be a doctor. He's got to get into medical school. We had 20 years old. I had no idea what I wanted to be. Maybe that's pretty old.

I mean, it felt like maybe it's different now, but back then it felt like if you didn't know by then, you're done for. I thought I knew, but then everything changed. Just when you think you know, you don't know. 20 years old, what was I saying? Yes. He failed.

the medical exam twice, but he came up with an idea, and he followed through on that idea. Siraj went ahead and cut his foot off. Oh, boy. It's been a while. Oh, man. Failed the exam to get into medical school twice, came up with an idea, and that idea was to cut his own foot off. So he could get into medical school under some type of. disability quota. It says here, and bear with me because I'm not sure I'm saying this correctly,

it says here, excuse me, Indian law, Indian law mandates a 5% reservation for people with disabilities into medical colleges. Did I say that correctly? Do you understand what I'm saying? Absolutely. Police in town say that Siraj cut his own foot off the rest of his body. And they say he tried to make it look like he was the victim of an assault. Suraj has an older brother that tried to help him out with this psychotic life-altering nonsense. The older brother called the cops and said, my brother has been attacked. They cut his foot off for him. But once the cops pressed for more details, the older brother came off like a moron, and the cops were able to easily see that there was something shady going on here.

Other than the older brother being a terrible liar, the police noticed how cleanly the foot was cut off. They think that Siraj used some type of machine to hack his foot loose. God only knows what kind of machine that is, or how Siraj knew how to operate that machine. they also found drugs laying around that Suraj used to numb the pain of running his own foot through an amputation machine. I would need all the drugs.

Every drug in the world in my possession. Like you started the whole thing off, Nick, I don't know. He's out of his mind. Yeah, I don't know if there's anything outside of saving the life of a loved one or something like that. I can't imagine doing something like that. Like a saw situation? Yeah, right, exactly.

that type of thing. There's nothing that I've ever experienced that I wanted this badly. And you know what? Maybe society's better off for this because, you know, poor kid, I feel bad that he's, you know, that affected. But that's not a guy you want as your doctor, right? Is your primary care physician? Oh, right. I was going to say, if I was in a doctor's office and like, oh, how did you get a medicine?

Oh, I failed the test five times, but I eventually squeaked by. That'd make you a little nervous, wouldn't it? Yeah, I got buying a technicality when I cut my own foot off. I had, there was somebody in my life for a while that wanted to be an EMT, like a paramedic type of business, and they give you like a psych exam at the fire department before they hire you. And he failed the psych exam like three times, I want to say, either two or three times. And after the last one, I thought, you know, maybe, maybe this just isn't for you then. And also kind of scared that you're not passing your psych exam.

Now it says here Nobody ever found the severed foot that Siraj removed so somewhere there's a happy neighborhood dog licking all the skin

off of that severed foot I would imagine My guess is that Siraj buried it or ate it or threw it into an incinerator or something You know too Pardon me? Poofed it. Poofed it? Boofed it.

Boofed it. He might have boofed it. It's possible. Shubbed it up his own butt? Possible? To get rid of the evidence. I don't know. But no one ever found the foot. This case is so shocking and beyond mental that authorities in India don't really know what legal actions can be taken against Suraj over there with the one foot off.

Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, fraud? Yeah, I have no idea. What do you do? Some of those authority figures, Cubby, are saying, having to go the rest of his life on one foot, and failing at one of the dumbest capers in the history of the world is probably punishment enough.

I'm with you on that. Maybe they just say, hey, you're going to need some therapy until we can clear you. Get this figured out. I wonder what he'll do. I hope he stays in touch. I'd like to know where he lands. He'll land on his foot somewhere.

Absolutely. Absolutely ridiculous. Real quick, let me throw this one at you, and then we'll get moving on. 18-year-old gal has gone off the jail for throwing a park chop at her mommel. That's ridiculous. I mean, can anyone think of any kind of meat

you'd like to use against someone's mother? 651-989-93. If you can think of a type of meat that you'd like to introduce to someone's mother, what type of meat would it be and whose mother do you have in mind? No, I think it should just be a generic text. 651, 9, 8, 9, 93, 90. No, I think you have to tell, you have to get specific here.

Because this is so ridiculous. This woman, young lady, teenager, she threw a pork chop at her own mother. Right, right. So I think it's only fair to ask our listeners, if you were to introduce some style of meat to someone's mother, whose mother would it be and what would... No, I think you can just say the meat. That's all we have time for. You don't have to aim it towards anyone's mother.

Nobody's mom needs to be a, well, son of a bitch. I shouldn't have read the texts. Did it happen? Yeah. A lot of people are saying sausage and my mom's name has come up. My mom's name, by the way, is mom. Tube steak? I know if I've ever had a tube steak.

I'll have to Google that. Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. In the corner, calmly. That's a fire. And switch. Conley, got a three. I'm going to miss having Mike Connolly, Jr. around here.

Ditto. I was a big fan. I remember how excited I was when they made that deal. Mike Connolly, Jr. is just a hell of a terrific basketball player, has been for a lot of years. 20 years now, I think. Yeah. He's been playing. He at one time he had the richest contract in the NBA, I was reading.

For an hour and a half. Yeah. That's how that always goes, right? He must have been, he must be a 20-year veteran at this point in the National Basketball Association. I just really loved watching him play. Seems like such a cool guy too, doesn't he? Slick little point guard, smart player. And you're exactly right.

He comes off like a wonderful guy. The Wolves made some kind of wacky three-team deal yesterday. Mike Connolly is now property of the Chicago Bulls. But a lot of folks think his contract will be bought out by Chicago. and maybe another contender will pick up Mike for the playoff push or just to be a veteran presence. And this is, according to everything I'm reading, moving Mike around and moving some money around

is all in preparation to landing the kid from Milwaukee. The Greek freak. We'll see about that. You want that to happen, you said, yesterday, right? I was mad yesterday. I was mad at the Timberwolves yesterday. You were, yes. Timberwol.

For their loss in Memphis, and I said, I used to shudder at the thought of losing Nas, Reed, or Jaden McDaniels, but it's obvious this group of players on the Timberwolves just, they don't get it. So in my anger, I said, go ahead. Make the trade for the kid from Milwaukee. I don't care who's traded at this point, because the current roster isn't working up to its best abilities. Today, I don't know.

I don't know which way. If McDaniels and Nas and everyone's traded for the freak, it'll be heartbreaking on one end and exciting on the other. You know what I mean? Because I love Nas Reid. Hell, I'm the guy that discovered the guy. I'm the guy that discovered. A lot of folks know this.

I'm the guy who first discovered Nas Reid and said, hey, look, this guy's going to be a player. Nobody listened. Jaden McDaniels is so much fun to watch. I love the edge, the anger that he plays with. So if that happens, yeah, I'll miss them. But Giannis is a hell of a player. Funny dude, too.

I'm going this way and that way, Josh. You know what I mean? I don't know what I mean. I don't know what to think. Well, you're a huge fan. As a casual fan, I'm excited about it. But like you said, it'd be sad to see Nas Reid go. I enjoy him, I think primarily because of how much you love him, you know. Shoot, this town loves him too.

They're getting Nasreed tattoos a couple years back. You're welcome for that. Maybe nothing happens, and they just make a deal for a point guard, they've been trying to do for 15, 16 years. But the rumors are this is all to make room for the freak. We will friggin' see. Timberwolves play in Toronto tonight. Golden Gopher basketball is at home.

Play in Michigan State. The pigs are at the Nashville Predators. We're all sick here in the building. And so is Marcus Molina. We planned on talking to Marcus at 8 o'clock this morning. We haven't talked to them in a couple weeks. You know, pigs are playing one more final, final game. before they go on strike for the Olympics.

We were hoping to talk to Marcus. He called in and said, I'm sick. Everybody's frigging sick. I had a friend. I'd nurse you back to help. Yeah, I'd have a friend yesterday. Actually, I said, I'm going to the nearest spirit Halloween. I'm getting a sexy nurse outfit, and I'm going to go take care of them.

I already have one. Don't tell me that. It's from high school. That's even worse. Oh, no. Why can't she have a naughty nurse costume? You got to wait till you're married before you get something like that. We apologize.

We know that it might be a little tough to listen to us all gagging and choking and coughing and this and that. We're doing our best. We feel a certain level of responsibility to the company, and we love doing the show together. Today might be our last show of the week because of how everyone's feeling. Because of the sickness that's sweeping through, people are sending doctor jokes into our Luther, Bloomington. key a text line. 651, 989, 93. I'm fat because every time I

bang your mom, she makes me a sandwich Jesus. Oh, I love that name. He says, doctor walks into the exam room and says to Josh, you know, because Josh is always at the doctor, and it's always because he has something wrong with his pecker, his nuts, or his back door, right? Yep.

Doctor walks into the exam room and he says to Josh, he says, all right, Donnie. with this being your first rectal exam, try not to get a boner. And Josh says, well, my name is Josh. And the doctor says, yeah, I know, my name's Donnie. Cubby's got more news for you here in a minute if we live through the commercial break. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps?

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here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Vince Colon-A's is redefining news talk. I'm Vince Connays host of the Vince podcast. I'm bringing you the truth beneath the headlines of all of the top stories. In-depth interviews. We feature newsmaking interviews with the top guests on the whole planet. And I'll ask the questions you only dream of other interviewers asking.

And a front row seat to the most important conversations of the day. It's a show with an obsessive focus on what's good for America. You are going to love Vince. The Vince Show. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Half-assed Morning Show. 93X. Someone who has been a trusted employee betrayed that trust. know the trust is extremely fragile.

A Florida police officer has been arrested after investigators said he mastered a very specific skill set, invoicing the city for work, that never happened. The city of Sanford's finance department was reviewing unpaid vendor accounts tied to off-duty police details when someone noticed the math wasn't mathing. And that paper trail read more like creative writing than accounting. Investigators say officer Ronnie Neal spent about a year turning fiction into funding, fabricating off-duty assignments, padding timesheets, and collecting pay for hours. He never worked. That's cheap.

Yeah, a year he got away with this. A year. A dozen times. He's like, well, here I am, hardest working guy in the building. I'm out. He ran a one-man scam billed directly to taxpayers. Betrayed and disgusted, do not come close to describing how I feel. he chose day after day to lie, cheat, and steal from the community

and took an oath to protect and serve, using his badge as a shield to hide his criminal acts, the chief said. And as a final ironic twist, at the time of his arrest, Neil was assigned to the department's professional standards unit. Oh, perfect. He's probably all done being a cop, isn't he? Yeah, he's all done, that's for sure. He's in some serious, serious trouble. I don't know, they didn't mention anything like jail, time. But it's a possibility because, you know, it's a, is that a federal offense, I'd imagine?

You're stealing tax. It's got to be. It has to be. Tax dollars and it's a year's worth. A veteran NYPD lieutenants facing larceny charges after swiping a $275 pendant from a designer bag at a high-end yoga apparel store in Manhattan, a store that sells inner piece at premium prices. Police say the 61-year-old took what's known as an intention Crystal from an aloe yoga location while working a side gig as a security guard inside the store. A what? Intention crystal?

Yeah, what? You never heard of these? I haven't. Oh, you're being sarcastic. What kind of made-up crap is that? I don't know. I know. You guys don't shop at high-end yoga boutiques in Manhattan?

I don't know if I've ever been to a yoga store. I mean, my wife likes Lulu Lemon. Is that a yoga store? No, I'm imagining like it's a yoga studio. Like the front of it is like a little boutique. That's what I'm thinking. Is that what it is? It's the back or the front.

It's the back or front for playing. Yeah, it's, uh, whatever it is, it's expensive. He stole that, kitty. Yeah, he's hired to stop theft, but he committed one. A police source summed it up best saying, quote, you can't make this S up. The lieutenant's been with the NYPD's Crime Prevention Division since last year, which has a little more irony to the whole situation.

He was arrested Friday in charge with larceny misconduct and criminal possession of stolen property, then promptly suspended without pay. The alleged theft was caught on video by a store manager, and police say the lieutenant has now been told to namaste away from the yoga store for good. I'm not feeling well. No, that's great.

So you deserve that. What a silly way to lose your gig. Stupid. He stole a $275 pendant. Not worth it. He's done. Maybe he just thought, hey, I'm the law here. I'm the guy that's going to catch it.

not realizing that somebody else checks those tapes. Here's the good news, Cubby. Some lucky bastard is going to land that Yoga Studio Security Guard gig here. And, I mean, talk about getting off and running. Yeah. There's a thrilling job opening now. Yoga Studio Security Guard. You know, maybe actually that's not a bad one for the cops working overtime.

I mean, I'd imagine there's some eye candy running around that. Oh, heck, yeah. You are such a pig. My God. You know, I like to objectify people and stereotype. Sometimes I don't even like to go to yoga at a certain time, like when the rest of the world is awake and alive. So like after work, you know, after they would get off work, so like 5, 6 p.m. Because it's too many people my age and too many hot women.

It's intimidating. Like, I can't take this. I can't stretch while there's like a 12 out of 10 in front of me. That doesn't seem like you to me. No, I like to go after work here. So, you know, like 11-12. Just me and a bunch of old people. Just a bunch of gassy grandmas?

Yeah. Then I'm not sitting there like, oh, my God. Gassy grandmas. That sounds like a good podcast title. It really does, doesn't it? I bet they can spin a yarn or two. Don't be scared of the foxy ladies, Ashley. They're so intimidating.

In Indiana man, Rob... Most of them are Primo pains in the ass. In Indiana man, Robbed a month. Sancy area Taco Bell with pruning shears. Some intimidation by gardening equipment at that taco joint. According to a 911 caller, a 33-year-old man walked into the Taco Bell wearing a red mask, a bright orange neon hoodie carrying the pruning shears, which is one way to blend in. He demanded employees open the register or else.

The implied threat being he would trim them of dead branches or something. After he took off, the suspect was found at an auto zone wearing the same inconspicuous. bright orange neon hoodie and red mask. When officers searched him, they found the pruning shears and meth. What was he picking up over there at AutoZone? He was just hiding out there in his neon outfit. Okay. Getting in the zone?

AutoZone. A detective asked whether he used the pruning shears found in his back pocket to pry open the register, and the suspect replied, quote, this guy's a thinker. Technically it's an intimidation. technically it's a robbery and intimidation because I threaten them. Well, he knows the law. Yes, that was his legal analysis, straight from the source there.

Later, officials were able to find video footage, which showed the man jabbing the shears at Taco Bell employees. Cottage Grove Elementary went into lockdown yesterday. They had a few scary moments after a reminder that noon on a weekday is still very much not the time for binge drinking. Police say a possibly drunk 46-year-old man showed up just before. lunchtime, allegedly waving a butcher knife and trying to get into the school. For Christ's sake. Staff told officers the man had... All those 20-year-olds at Cottage Grove Elementary.

They must have been terrified. Staff told officers, the man had been driving erratically through the parking lot, a space that's usually dangerous enough, thanks to rushed parents in a bad mood, before getting out and attempting to break into the school where kids would prefer to break out. According to the principal, students were on the playground at the time. but were ushered into secure classrooms as the school locked down. Somebody hit this guy with a trank dart? They don't know what's going on.

How they got him out? Yeah. They's called 911. I guess he took off. City officials confirmed the school's locked vestibule did its job. The man never made it inside. They actually arrested him within six minutes of that 911 call. That's impressive.

They work fast. Wow. No word on what was going on in the guy's head when he attempted to break in. It's very, very, very frightening. I got a buddy whose daughter goes to that school. He said that was a very frightening email to, get, as you can imagine. I would think so. And he said he's very thankful that I guess over the last summer they really beefed up the security and the lockdown procedures at that school. So he's very

thankful for that. But yeah, scary situation, no doubt. Do you have any more info than what, I mean, perhaps hearsay, but I just gave you what was in, I read like four stories on it. I gave you what was there. Did he have anything else to say? Nothing else really to say, no. Did he mention, was it a parent? They don't know. He just sent me a screenshot of the email that he got, you know, and it just kind of had the information that you just gave right there. So no other information I got. Well, based on what Nick said, he was 46, so maybe still a student, you're suggesting? An eighth grader.

A Kentucky father spent the weekend behind bars after threatening to shoot a group of people at a youth basketball game because he was upset about his son's playing time. Oh, yeah, we get one of these all the time. Yeah. Oh, oh. There goes Cubby. Sorry. Rest and peace.

It's okay. Police say 28-year-old Stephen Hamblin confronted a coach Saturday, unhappy his future NBA superstar wasn't seeing enough minutes for dad's taste. Words exchanged, voices raised. And according to court documents, a brief scuffle followed before adults were separated at what was supposed to be a youth basketball game. Then things got worse. Video shows what happened next. Hambling can be seen opening the driver's side door of an SUV as a child runs behind the vehicle to. to the opposite side to safety.

Then the man closes the door, steps behind the SUV and points what looks like a handgun at a group of six, seven people connected to the visiting team. As he waved the gun around, he said multiple times he was going to shoot him. Officers arrived at the scene about two,

but Hamlin was gone. They later located him at his home not long after. When asked about the incident, he said he was just offending his family. He said they were being attacked. But investigator said the video clearly told a different story. the next court he'll be stepping on to is one with a bench

and he'll see plenty of minutes in front of the judge sitting behind it. My dad was my basketball coach growing up and he's got a great story about playing time, about a parent complaining. He got a call one night. We were playing some tournament. It was a Saturday night and he gets a phone call. There's hours after the game. The dad is clearly intoxicated.

You didn't play my kid in the second half. He didn't play one single minute. What are you doing? Why do you hate my kid? And my dad goes, he followed out with three minutes. left in the second quarter, I couldn't put him back in the game. I want my son's team to win, so I always suggest the coach don't put him in just as a strategy. Like, come on, let's get a W on the books here.

Some people believe their current lover and their former lover should never, ever get along. And one unlucky bastard in Ohio learned that lesson the hard way with a gunshot to the gut. At a New Year's Eve house party, an upset woman watched her a strange husband and her new boyfriend strike up an apparent bromance, laughing, hanging out, bonding together, and she was not cool with that. So after unsuccessfully hounding her new boyfriend to leave the party with her and leave his new friend behind, she decided to leave the party solo when he refused. Well, at least leave long enough to go get herself a gun. Then around five in the morning, she came back, driving her mom's car.

Five in the morning. Yeah, it was still going on. Open fire on the house. One of those bullets struck a twilight. 29-year-old man standing on the porch right in the stomach, and he had nothing to do with it. He was just a partygoer. Turns out the angry wife was a better shooter than she was a driver because as she fled, she crashed her mom's Jeep while going around a curve, striking a guardrail and a utility pull.

She was convicted last week of attempted murder and other charges related to that attack. Wow. It's that serious, huh? I bet that X knows something about her. She doesn't want the new one to find out. Yeah, I was wondering if they were talking trash. about her or like you said maybe she's trying to prevent some new information coming to this new boyfriend yeah i mean i wouldn't be like the biggest fan in the world of all of a sudden my husband

and was buddy buddy with my ex-husband like that's weird uh i don't need that happening i probably wouldn't want that to happen but i don't think i'm going to go get a gun about it just take out a random person yeah this poor guy he's just having a quick cigarette if i'm hanging out with people who plan on drinking until five o'clock in the morning i expect to be shot at It kind of seems like you're right. It gets to a point where it's almost shocking if you aren't shot at. The people who want to drink until 5 o'clock in the morning regularly, they shoot each other. That's what they do.

You're right. You know what I mean? I would expect that. A 30-year-old man is accused of stealing about $4,000 worth of steaks, roasts, lamb, and the good stuff from multiple Florida grocery stores. Yeah. Not heck yeah. Which part? That's stealing.

That's not good. Can't do that. But four grand. surveillance video shows him calmly selecting premium beef and lamb at a Publix, then strolling out without paying. Didn't even try. He's not grabbing any of that 80-20 ground beef. He's going 93-7 all day.

No doubt. Yeah, I want the marbling. Less than 20 minutes later, he hit another Publix, loading up on pork, top sirloin, brisket, tenderloin, and even some personal care items. Super Bowl party. Yeah, you know, I wonder. Detectives later tracked him down,

and that's when things got emotional. He told them after stealing the meat, he drove to his girlfriend's house to surprise her. But he caught her cheating. Oh, no. This guy's having a day. Specifically, cheat cooking with another man, a culinary betrayal in his mind. Overcome with anger and heartbreak,

he said he threw all the stolen meat away and frustration. This wasn't just a case of someone trying to meet their budget. This was a calculated, high-stakes operation that left two stores with significant losses, Sheriff Rick Staley said. Then he kept going. While the suspect selection was choice, his method wasn't kosher.

He really tried to milk the system, and by now he's found out the green roof inn does not serve premium meats. I love this guy. And he's not done. Oh, no. Come on, dude. We're not feeling well. He went too far. More of food puns.

His relationship may, it's even too much for me. me. His relationship may have been past its prime, but stealing isn't the way to cure what ails you. The bottom line is this. You don't have to read the whole thing. I do. It's in my contract. I like it. How does he keep doing this? If you steal from our stores, we will catch you and you will meet the consequences. You can't use the same joke twice. Frigue lame. The meat thief is being held on a $5,000 bond. Alice Cooper turned 78 today, Mr. Cooper. Wow.

Freak in the spreadsheets, Jesus. Text in a happy anniversary shout out to his smoking hot wife. Happy birthday to Ritzwood, Jesus, podcasting from the Gator State. We appreciate that. Happy 60th birthday to Neil, who his wife said still looks like he's 20. Good luck to Jackson on his way to school. He's got four tests today, guys. Oh, man.

Four. That's stressful. That's a murder's row. You should have called in. From Mom, Lady Boss, Mom of Five, Jesus, and your friends here at 93X. Finally, today is National Thank a Mail Carrier Day, so thank you to our mailmen and male women out there. Personally, I like to thank Craig our mailman, wonderful guy. There go, Craig right there.

There you go. I see him every day, and that's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder on the Half-Ass Morning Show. I have not deviated from my plan. I've been determined, and normally in the past, there's always a moment where you break down and you realize. the severity of things and and that your dreams are slipping through your fingers, but I didn't have that this time. I'm not letting this slip through my fingers. I'm going to do it. Live microphone. There we go. There they are. We're doing great.

Lindsay Vaughn is going to go ahead and ski at the Olympics after all, huh? Well, there you go. Hello, Dr. Shaver, Dr. Ryder. Good morning. Sounds like you guys need doctors. Oh, goodness. I hope right. It's silly. It's silly. Well, half of us are very sick on the program.

We probably shouldn't have come into the building, but we decided we'd go ahead anyway. I'm really hoping whatever it is, I've already been exposed to it. So it doesn't happen because this does not look pleasant. So Randy Shaver, Brad Ryder, if you hear gagging and coughing throughout this conversation, no, it's not a Bella Donna movie playing in the background.

Although we can fire one up if you guys want to hear it. It's the sound of Cubby and I slowly passing away. Even Marcus Bolino. I don't know how we spread it. We've spread this to the pig's locker room now. Marcus gave us a telephone call early on this morning and said he's too sick to come on. So it's everywhere's. Yeah.

That stuff spreads pretty easily around the old folks' homes, too, doesn't it, Randy? I wouldn't know. I'm not there. So I'm trying to stay away from all that. I totally forgot. Yeah, you're in. I know my oldest son is super sick or has been for the last couple of weeks. My body must be full of preservatives because you'd think that I would be the one that would be sick among all of us. Because I'm around college students every day and I'm not sick. Well, you know, I wondered that because, like, so my wife, she's at a gym every day.

My son goes to school every day, and they almost never get sick. And maybe it's just from being around it so much. They bring it home to me. Yeah, they built up their immune system. Brad, you don't catch colds from college kids. You catch STDs. That's what they're passing. But he's got enough of those already.

Then I'm fine. Then I'm okay. Yeah, Covey, you really never have much of a chance. Your wife drags home whatever filth is roaming around the yoga mats. Your son brings home all the filth that the kids are spitting in each other's yaps all day long. at the junior high. You've got that weakened immune system in the first place. True.

It seems like it has been the last couple years. Yeah. So, bear with us again. Sure. We're really seriously considering taking the rest of the week off. So whatever you want to say to us, say it now. If you could say it my right ear, I can't hear it all off my left. He can't hear out of his right ear.

No, my left ear. So talk to my right ear. Okay. We're off Friday anyway, right? Josh, yes. We already had Friday. That ear is on my right. Oh, it is. Yeah. Yeah, correct. Oh, God. Well, if that's the case, then maybe we should speculate on the Janus and Timberwolves because.

Oh, we're going to get there. That might very well happen while we're not on the air. We're going to get there. We will in just a minute. People have been sending us doctor jokes this morning hearing how ill, Cubby and I have become. I love a good doctor joke. We don't really embrace those the way maybe we... No, there's a lot of good ones out there.

Maybe we should. So a guy goes to the doctor, right? Randy Schaever, Brad Ryder? He's looking to get his diagnosis. The guy asked the doctor, how long do I have? And the doctor says five. And the guy says, what, five years, five months?

And the doctor says four. Three. Two. We love a good doctor joke. 651, 989, 93. All right. We'll get, and okay, Lindsay Vaughn, right, we'll get back to more of that Olympics.

I don't know how Lindsay Vaughn can ski. That's crazy. She has to have a, she's doing a training run either today or tomorrow. Tomorrow, I think. And that will determine whether she can actually ski in the Olympics. I mean, she's got a tour in ACL.

I just don't know how you can do that. Yeah. Without doing way worse damage. That's like irreversible. A buddy of mine tore his ACL about seven, eight years ago, and his baseball career has kept going, and he has never got it fixed. What?

Career? Does it hurt? Oh, I should mention baseball writer's career. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay, that does change things. That does change things a little bit. Yeah, not every, you know, everybody's different, you know.

Some folks that have to have the whole smear put back together. Some folks can live with it. I mean, part of the news conference you played, Nick, is she said, I'm not going to know how this is until I'm flying down the mountain at 80 miles an hour. I mean, okay. Good luck with that. I don't even want to go down to Bunny Hill with two intact ACLs. Right?

Those Betty Hills are, they're intimidating. I just don't know how she can do that. She's going to go ahead with it. She's going to try that downhill skiing. Doctor says to the patient, he says, he got to cut back on masturbating. And the guy said, why? And the doctor said, because I'm trying to examine you.

Oh, do you mind retelling one for the guys, the one about me going to the doctor? Oh, Josh went to the doctor to get his little back door examined, right? And the doctor walks in and says, all right, Donnie, seeing how this is your first rectal exam. I just want you to know it's okay to get an erection. And Josh says, Josh says, well, my name's not Donnie.

It's Josh. And the doctor says, yeah, I know. My name's Donnie. That's so good. All right, Randy Shaver, so you wanted to speculate while we can about the Greek freak and this and that. I miss Mike Connolly, Jr. already. Yep, I do. I love that, man.

Yep. But they made some deal yesterday to Tambawell. They made some deal yesterday with a couple different ball clubs, Chicago and Detroit, and Mike Connolly ends up in Chicago, this, that, money goes this way, money goes that. And everyone's saying that this is the Timberwolves preparing themselves to make that colossal trade with Milwaukee. They're setting up their salary cap to be able to absorb some of this.

I don't think Conley will end up playing for the Bulls. I think he'll end up getting released. and join a contender at some point to finish the year. It sure looks like that they are the leading contender right now to land Janus. It's going to be expensive. They're going to lose Jaden. They're going to probably lose Julius Randall. Possibly even Nas Reid could be a part of all this.

I think that they have to have a trading partner that has draft choices because I don't think Milwaukee just wants players. so maybe a Portland or somebody like that will be a part of all this too. So it's a complicated deal, but it really looks like they are moving forward to getting a deal done. Brian, yes. They're trying to position themselves if people want to know exactly why this deal was done yesterday. Now they don't have to, they don't have to match salaries anymore because before they were so far above the, the luxury tax salary cap.

I'm going to try to make this as simple as possible. People understand that before they couldn't really do it, but now they don't have to match salaries, meaning that they don't have to give away the farm. They probably still will have to give away the farm. Like you said, they're going to have to give away assets that some team's going to want, but you're right,

they're going to need a third team, and they're not going to have to match salaries. So they're basically, the trade yesterday was made to go all in on trying. And now you said, you know, that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to get him. That's right. But they've positioned themselves to at least be, you know, in the conversation. I read something else just this morning to where Milwaukee is starting to,

and maybe this is posturing by Milwaukee a little bit. But there's, from what I'm reading now this morning, Milwaukee is starting to say, well, maybe we want to wait until the summer because then we can leverage more draft picks from things like Golden State and those other teams that actually have draft. pick so we'll see. It's all very exciting and kind of frightening, isn't it? That doesn't help the wolves if the bucks decide to wait.

The wolves want this done now. Right. Because that allows them the opportunity to make this deal. If they wait till the summer, I don't think the wolves have a chance. It's all very exciting. It's also very frightening the thought of losing Nas Reid.

They better have a plan B I'll say this. They better have a plan B tomorrow afternoon around 1 o'clock. If it appears as though, because the trading deadlines, three o'clock tomorrow, three o'clock Eastern, they better have a plan B in place if it looks like they're not going to get him to get a point guard and some bench help. They've got a plan B. This isn't the Vikings. Well, if they can't pull this off, then they basically traded Conley for nothing.

No, no, no. I'm sure they're well prepared for that. That Tim Connolly's a gunslinger, Bradrider. He's a gunslinger. I don't think they traded Connolly for nothing because they needed to get out from underneath that contract. So regardless of whether they get Janus or not, getting out from underneath that contract helps them quite a bit. Yeah, for this year, I mean. They're not going to get anything for him this year if they don't have a plan B in place. A couple listeners texted in and said, if we make a trade for Giannis, does that mean we got to have all of his brothers on the roster? Probably.

Yeah. At least one of them. He's got two brothers on the Bucks roster, right? That's correct. And neither one of them know how to play basketball at all. But that's part of his agreement there with the Bucks that his brothers get to be part of the roster. That's ridiculous. That's crazy.

And there are so many other teams and scenarios that are kind of on hold waiting to see if this Janus deal happens because that will kind of send everything else into place. including the wolves, if they're still looking to try to get a guard. You know, Chicago dealt for a bunch of guards yesterday. So they've got a flux of guards right now that they might be making a deal for. Of course, your guy, James Harden, got dealt to Cleveland. That was a relief. Well, it's great for him because the calves have a real chance to do something in the NBA playoffs.

That was an incredible relief for me, as it, Timberwolves, man, because I heard the rumors that the Timberwolves might be interested in James Harden, and I cannot stand the sight of that person. Is this a 17 team now? Oh, God, he played for everybody. I was very relieved that he went out to Cleveland. Not as many as Schrooter, but he's played for a few. Yeah, so, okay, we'll see.

Tomorrow is the deadline? Tomorrow afternoon. Yep. I've heard that Anthony Edwards really wants this to happen. And that matters. Well, that's interesting if he says that. I haven't heard him say that publicly. No, I read it in some papers and whatnot.

I mean, Jaden and him are very close. He's close with Nas. You know, it's a tough deal. But it is intriguing to think about two superstars like Janus and Anthony Edwards. As long as there are enough comprehensive. complementary pieces around them to make it work. That's the trick now. Oh, yeah.

If they pull that off. Yeah. This is a kiss of death right here. Who is this? Brewers in High Life, Jesus texted in just yesterday. Janice said that he wants to remain in Milwaukee and retire as a buck. So this deal is pretty much done. Yeah, he'll be here this afternoon.

Yeah, he's on a flight. That's almost always to kiss a death. The last thing you hear out of them before they're traded is they're traded is they're They say, I don't want to go anywhere. I love it here. I want to retire here. I want to die here. They're in a taxi cab within two hours, usually, after that statement is made.

Supposedly, the Golden State quote offer would be more appealing this summer when they could get up to three or four first-drawn draft picks. And that would be pretty hard to turn down if you're Milwaukee. I loved reading that Raymond Green might be traded away from the Golden State Warriors. Yeah. You may be part of the deal. I've been dreaming about that for years. I hope he goes to Washington or just someplace miserable. We'll see how good you really are, douchebag.

And, of course, Memphis made a monster deal yesterday trading Jaron Jackson to Utah. So Danny Aange is setting Utah up to be competitive next year. And now Memphis has a truckload of picks and John Morant still sitting there with very little trade value. He may very well be dealt before tomorrow, too. You want another doc? A lot of things are moving. Moving parts, Randy Shaver. Moving pictures.

Rush record from 1970. Wonderful. 181, sorry. Want another doctor joke? Listener says, the doctor asked me for a semen sample. And a stool sample. So I just gave him my underwear. Ah.

That one's older than the hills right there. But it works every time. It can happen. Oh, man. All right. Speaking of all these trades and possible trades, it's time to let this go for Pete's sake. But just for fun, I'm going to go ahead anyway. Some article popped up yesterday.

It says the Durantula, Kevin Durant, vetoed a trade to the Timberwolves last year because he didn't want to play for Finchie. Well, then F you. If you don't like Finchie, you're no friend of mine. Timber Bulls play in Toronto tonight. 22 years. God, I remember where it was. We talked about it yesterday.

It's been 22 years since they won a game in Toronto. I don't know what you're saying. Enough for ready. Get to the rosters for the upcoming All-Star Celebrity game. The All-Star game, which the NBA, I mean, boy, they nail it every year. That All-Star game is incredible. Yeah.

Just must-watch. That is absolutely incredible. All-Star game. It's become one of the worst excuses for a sporting event in the history of mankind, the NBA All-Star game. You see what they've done this year. They've divided into three teams now. So there's three different teams that'll rotate playing against each other. So it's a it's crazy. They try new things every year and nobody knows what they're doing. Here. Yeah.

See more defense played in a six-year-old in-house basketball. But the All-Star Celebrity Game. That's intriguing. Totally different animal. All right, what have we got? It's going to be February 13th. They're playing the game in Englewood. You guys help me out, because I don't know who anybody is anymore.

I'm going to say some names that I expect you might be familiar with, playing in the NBA All-Star celebrity game. Keegan Michael Key. Very funny, dude. Yeah, he's funny. I mean, I remember the Key and Peel show. Yep, that's the guy. I remember that terrible movie that they made. What was that called again?

Get Out? Was he a part of that? No, that was his peel. No key, just peels. I remember that one of them was in one. It's just awful. Glorilla. That's a name I've heard before.

I don't know much about them. Mustard. No clue. Yes, Brad. Mustard. Does catch up playing for the other team? My doctor wanted a semen sample, a stool sample and a mustard sample.

I gave him my underwear. What do you got going on down there, man? Yes, there's a celebrity playing in the NBA All-Star Celebrity game, and he goes by the name of Mustard. I'm going to guess Mustard is a YouTuber. Jeremy Lynn. Lin Sanity. Okay, for them.

Amon Rae St. Brown. Ah, the Lions receiver? I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm surprised that the Lions would let him play in something like that. Keenan Allen, also a football player, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. Chargers. Taco Fall.

Former NBA player, right? Yeah, that's great because he's 7 foot seven, isn't he? Yeah, right, yeah. Taco. With a K. Oh, that's even cooler. He played in the NBA for a cup of coffee. He's the size of a skyscraper.

So I think that'll be kind of fun. I mean, not that I'll be tuned in, but if I bump into this, I always like watching the obscenely tall guys operate. He may only average three points a game in this one, too. Right. Oh, Jason Williams will be playing. I'm excited about that. Oh, wow.

White chocolate. Those are all the names that I think you might recognize. The teams will be coached. Oh, okay. One of the coaches for the All-Star Celebrity game is future Timberwolf Giannis Antigopo and his brothers. Is that true? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Brothers, of course. It's kind of weird, the naming conventions for that family. You got Giannis. You got Thanasis, I think, and then Alex. What in the work? They just gave up after the first two. They're like, yeah, let's just go normal.

What is the deal with the brothers thing? I don't know. I'm curious about this, too. Why are they allowed to just be a part of everything that Giannis is a part of? I don't know. Ask the James. Who? Ask the James.

There's LeBron and Brony. The James family. Inspired by the Ball family, too, maybe. Yes, exactly. Mookie Betts is going to be there, and one of my favorite actor-comedians, Anthony Anderson, who I fell in love with when I was watching the documentary Malibu's Most Wanted. Anthony Anderson is hilarious. Yeah, he's great.

All right, so the brother and sister is saying mustard is a producer. He produces for Kendrick Lamar. and Glorilla is a woman rapper. Oh. Dude. Guy goes to the doctor's office and the doctor says, I got bad news and worse news. And the guy says, well, give me the bad news. And the doctor says, you have 24 hours to live.

The guy says, well, what's the worst news for Christ's sake? And the doctor says, I was supposed to call you yesterday. Classic. Alex Antuncopo is short for Alexandros. Yes. Thank you. Cute butt. Jesus just texted.

So he must have been the one who stood up and said, look, I don't want to be Alexandros. Just go ahead of it. Golden Gopher basketball plays at the barn tonight against Michigan State. I believe Michigan State is up to maybe the 10 spot in the national rankings. Go over Big Ten Network. Is it the 10 spot, PJ? Medical device Jesus said he's going to be there tonight and he wanted to know what to look for, Nick.

Do you have any advice on his first time at the barn? It's his first time at the barn? That's what he said. Look for Kevin McHale. He'll be in there. Yeah. Look for a lot of empty seats. Gosh, hopefully not.

First time, he says, okay, I love the barn. It's not like it used to be. Nothing is, of course. No. When I used to go to the barn or the old Mariucci when I was in, kid. You had to watch your step in the men's room because there were usually about 111 empty discarded liquor bottles in the bathroom. Yep. Do they serve now? Yeah. They do. They serve Steve Weisers over there. Has that been for a

while? Yeah. I've actually never been there either. Pretty much the same as when they the same is when they dumped beer into the football stadium. They dumped it in. Right. Around the same time. You're basically peeing in bathtubs in the urinals there too. Yeah, they got the troughs there, Josh. Yeah. You don't like to go pee pee in the trough. I know, I get pee shy, you know, just in a stall, much less the trough. I was going to say, you probably skip the trough and go right to the stall when you have to pee, don't you?

Yeah, I'll go right in my pants. That's intimidating at that stall. That was bummed out with the new metrodome head urinals and not troughs. I missed the troughs from the metrodome. I didn't miss them. Do you guys remember the dude who swam in the trough at Rigby Field? Oh, that's video. That was pretty great.

One of the most disturbing videos in the history of the godless, soulless, and wildly misinformed social media. One of the most disturbing videos. How soon after that did that guy pass away, do you think, from all the diseases he caught? How much money would it take for you to do that? A lot. There is no amount of money. Oh, I'd do it for some money. Really?

Yeah, I would definitely do it for money. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I don't know, like my student loans. Yeah, to go take a shower. Oh, shoot. I was going to say 500 bucks. Now I feel like a freak.

You pay off your student loan. I guess I don't know what you got for student loans. Well, now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it going to be on the internet for everyone to see? Well, sure. Then there's no amount of money. Oh, really? That makes a difference.

And then also, what kind of trouble do you get in for something like that? Brad Ryder, you're a professor at a college. Yeah. You would dive head first into an overfilled. trough. College pee in there. For the right price. Then I could retire and I wouldn't have to teach anymore.

I honestly thought Brad could never be bought. Yeah. But now, but now that's not true. You would be, you'd be comfortable. You'd be comfortable being the internet piss trough guy for the rest of your life just so you could retire a few years earlier? Sure. I would not be the internet Pistroff guy.

You'd only be interesting in the internet for like two days. Right, the internet moves pretty fast these days. Is that right? Seeing how this happened 20 years ago and when I brought it up, everyone was familiar with it? But do you know the guy's name? Nobody knows. I don't even know what he looks like.

I bet it wouldn't take too much effort to find it. He doesn't have a name. He's the Pist Trough guy. He lost his privilege. Anyway, many years ago at a Chicago Cubs home opener, the trough backed up. there was four or five feet of yellowish brown urine and some clown ass was paid by his buddies to dive into the sum bitch

and I mean I almost puked when I watched it how in the hell do we get to talking about this because I brought up the fact that there were troughs at Williams Arena oh yeah oh what the hell there's people that are telling me there's even more Anton Koppel brothers that we're not even aware of. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, we'll find out here in a couple of days, I guess. Los Angeles Sparks, WNBA. Los Angeles Sparks Forward. Cameron Brink said she'd be open to getting naked in Playboy if her stupid Jagoff fiancé approved of the photo shoot. Boy, I hate that guy. Brad, how much would it cost to get you in Playboy? Maybe a little bit more, a little bit more than the trough thing.

So she had to run it past him? Make sure it was cool? She said she's running it past him right now. What's your name again? Ashley. And if her fiancee, jagoff that he is. If he approves, then she'll get naked in Playboy. I don't know if any of you know who I'm talking about,

but I have an unhealthy obsession with this young lady. Who is it? Cameron Brink. I looked her up yesterday. And that fiancé definitely has a very punchable face. Oh, I didn't see the parents. I don't even know who he is. Yeah, no, I was looking at photos of her, and one of them popped up with the two of them together,

and yeah, you want to punch that guy in the face. Is she the one that people say it looks like Cameron Dia? Yes, very much. Yes. I hated him without him. Oh, I hate his face. I told you. Oh, why does he look like that?

I want credit. I want credit for hating him before I even looked at him. I think she wants to do it, and she's just putting the heat on him, because she knows that he's going to cave and say yes. He looks like the type that would say no, too, so. I get why she has to run it past him. There's a lot of girls out there won't say no. That's a line from one of my favorite rap songs.

It's called, I Got a Man. Yeah, her boyfriend looks like every rich, frat, jerk in an 80s movie. 100%. He looks just like that. What was the name of the guy who put together that rap song? I Got a Man. I love that song. His name was...

Positive K? Positive K. I thought I was going to say Fat-Ass McGee, but that's not. not it. Her fiance's name is Ben, too. What's wrong with Ben? You got a problem with that? That's a solid name.

Good dushy name. Well, just forget about... He's six foot four. He's six foot four. That makes sense. He is six foot four. Oh, she is. He's tall of him.

Oh, she is. I'm sorry. She is. I'm assuming he's going to be tall as well. Positive K. I got a man. At one point of another in the song, he says, boom, batter my wallet's getting

fatter. But you had to be there. Yeah, we're trading doctor jokes back and forth because Josh and I are dying. How about this one from front load, Jesus? Guy walks into the sperm bank and the doctor says to the nurse, get a load of this guy. Wapap, da-da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-da-da-da.

That's my doctor-joke theme song. That was great. Pigs at Predators tonight. I don't think you'll see Marcus Polino on the ice, we told you he called in sick himself earlier this morning. He asked diarrhea, he says. He didn't say anything about diarrhea. He used the word violent to describe it, too.

No, he did not. He did not. Pigs probably be a lower body injury. Yes. She's the final final before they all go on strike for the Olympics. Well, they've won four in a row. Let's hope they can keep it going tonight. We all know how germs are spreading in those.

HL locker rooms. I've seen that television show. Heeded rivalry. They're in love. Remember when they all had the mumps? The wild had the mumps. That was weird. I hadn't heard about the mumps and probably my whole life. And then that happened. Wait a minute. We're receiving text messages. Ashley, did you make it clear what you have against the name Ben? No, I just thought it was a dushy. The bends that I know are not the best people in the world. Well, the Ben that I know is one of the greatest people I've ever.

Oh, yeah, your Ben is cool. Yeah, you got a good Ben. Yeah. Top 10 bends. Oh, yeah. That is a good bend. He'd make my bend list. Yeah, he makes me rethink my thought on bends.

Jesus, keep it in your pants. He's a married man, Ashley. He's my friend, not yours. He's just funny. The Russian kid. You want to talk about the Russian kid? He's closing it on Marion Gorbiak's goal record here for the pigs. So Marion Gorbiak scored 219 goals in eight years here.

the Russian kid, he sits at 217 right now. Wow. With that game in Tennessee, I was telling you about, on the horizon. Gorbiak needed 502 games to set the goals record here, all-time pigs' goals record. As of Monday, Caprisoff has only played 376 games. Wow. Yeah. That's a crazy stat.

They're very different players. And it was a very different game back then. Yep. It's much, much, much more wide open hockey now these days. And think about how much time Caprisoff has missed via injury over the last few years too. But the Russian kid has got a skill set that Gorbiak never did. Gorbiak was kind of like a poor man's Brett Hall. He had an incredible, accurate shot, but he wasn't the kind of guy that could stick handle

in a friggin phone booth. The Russian kid has got a, and so much more wheels, and the ability to use the wheels with this more wide open style of play. When Gorbiak was playing, and I'm sorry if I'm wearing out the bit, but I love the fact that Josh's uncle years ago said, oh, you know, I'm a big Minnesota wild fan. And we said, oh, yeah, and he goes, oh, yeah, I love that Marion Corbyac. And he was so sure of himself, too. When Gabrick was playing, it was a much more physical game. But there's no comparison skill-wise, those two cats. We call them Gorbiak so much in the show that I almost forgot how to pronounce his actual name correctly. Yeah, that's how it goes. You get kind of programmed. A New Jersey high school hockey goalie, they say here

he likely set a record for saves in a game. I don't know how thoroughly anyone anywhere has ever kept track of high school goalie statistics. I think you'd have to, I don't know how detailed it is, but they say this kid playing high school hockey in New Jersey. He made 104 saves the other night. Do you think he's mad at his teammates at that point? Oh, yeah. I mean, just furious?

Oh, our goalie turned on us multiple times. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. I mean, like, how bad was it? How bad did it happen? In beer league, our goalie quit with about five minutes left in the game. Screw you guys. I'm out of here.

Yeah. You know him. Vinnie. Oh, he, really? He got that frustrated. You can't tell by looking at Vinny, but he actually was a pretty solid goaltender. He was no scrammy,

but he's a pretty good goaltender. Did I meet Vinny at the Legion for the Randy Shaver bingo event? I'm sure you did. Yeah, yeah, I remember. He was a nice guy. If it was a day ending in Y, he was there. That was a lot of fun. Vinny walked out on, skated out on us.

F all of you losers. I mean, we had it coming. I love that. Were you guys trying? No, nobody back checked. Nobody. That was probably part of it. He could tell you guys weren't even putting in an effort.

It was like, you know, in Slapshot, when Denny Lemieux is just, he's convulsing in the locker room because of all the pucks he faced that evening. They say this kid made 104 stops in one game. It says here, I think he only gave up one goal. No way. That's what they say. Like in the third, right? I mean, they didn't get anything by him in the first two. Oh, my God.

So they won. His team won. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. His team was outshot. No, yeah, I think his team lost the goaltender, Brad. I think they lost one-nothing. Oh, no.

His team was outshot. They say, oh, sorry. Four nothing. He lost four nothing. He gave up four goals. Sorry, my arithmetic. Even that's amazing. Again, not until the third.

I thought you were going to say that he gave up three. empty net goals. Or they gave up three after he scored the first goal. And they just pulled him. His team was outshot 108 to four. Oh, my four. How do I set these matchups? He did give up four goals.

His coach said it's the greatest goalie performance in high school hockey that I've ever seen. Can you imagine the other team if they look up at the scoreboard and it's zero zero and the third and you've got shot the other team like 90 something to three? that would be frustrating that must be yeah I didn't even consider that you're right guy goes into the doctor's office and the doctor says you've got a year to live the guy said I want a second opinion and the doctor says all right you look like a bitch damn I imagine that would be your bedside manner if you were a doctor Ashley

Yeah, probably. You look like a bitch. My diagnosis, you look like a bitch. Just annoyed at the patients like they're wasting your time. Somebody got stabbed and they need some pain medication. I'm like, come on, man, up. Put a band-aid on it. It's barely bleeding.

CJ ham sandwich is retiring from the National Football League. We knew that already. Yeah, that last game they made it pretty obvious. Oh. They brought it up quite a bit. We knew that already. Well, it wasn't official, but they made a pretty big production out of it. Well, F me, running.

Showing his family and all that kind of stuff. Never is waiting for news on Harrison Smith. I'm sorry? Harrison Smith is the other big one that is likely to retire after they kind of put on a show for him in the final game against the package. It's kind of hilarious if he didn't retire after all that. Yeah, all the fanfare they gave him. Were they give him a car?

They gave him a rocking chair. With how much my wife loves him, I would really like it if he could hang on another year. Oh, yeah, I forgot. She's absolutely obsessed with that guy. Oh, my gosh, yes. Not that that's uncommon in this state for women. He's a pretty good-looking guy. I always thought he was kind of a punk.

Yeah? Seriously? I'm kidding, of course, yeah. C.J. Ham from Duluth, Minnesota? Yeah. Yeah, played at Denfeld. He played at Denfeld. Yes.

The Hunters. Yes. The Denfeld Hunters. I always liked that nickname for their high school. and then Duluth East, the greyhounds. They got some good nicknames up there. I thought I had heard that C.J. Ham was a dilute guy from the windy city. Why do we bury that into the ground as much as the Adam Thielen thing?

I have no idea. Well, they brought it up a lot. It seemed like you'd watch a broadcast. Maybe you'd just hear Adam Thieland's name pop up and broadcast more often. They talked a lot about how we went to Augustan. You'd hear that a lot. Right, right. Oh, be damned.

This is an interesting stat. So C.J. Ham played football here for the Vikings for nine years. I think I have that right. Nine years. His career total yardage, 119 yards. That's funny. Yeah. But he was a full back.

It's a blocking back. Yeah, 119 yards in nine years. He could catch the football out the back field. Have a good time, C.J. Ham. We had him on the telephone once or twice, didn't we? Yeah, super nice guy. He's a good man. Everybody says.

Yeah. Never heard anything bad about him. Dana always thought he was kind of a punk. Yeah, I told him that too. Yeah. Dana called him a bitch. Yeah, I was in Duluth last week and I walked around everywhere talking about how big of a bitch. C.J. Hamm is all the locals.

Are you? He seems like the nicest man of all time for everything I've heard. And people are texting in the same with Harrison Smith saying he's a really cool guy. They ran into him here and there. All right. I promised you some Olympics crap. And here we go. Out of 250, I think I have that number correct, out of 250 U.S. athletes,

which are all, they're all on airplanes right now heading out there to Italy. Out of the 250 American athletes we have representing our proud nation, which state produced the most Olympians for this series of events? I'd say Colorado. That's right. Oh, that's smart, Randy. Because of all the snow-oriented events. Yes, Colorado.

31 of those peckerheads. Although I read that article, and they're claiming Lindsey Vaughn is their own because she moved there in high school. Oh, I missed that part. Yeah. I was going to say a lot of those athletes have moved there at a young age because the Olympic Training Center is out there. Right.

So that's probably part of the reason why. Well, where does Lindsay Vaughn't. claim she's from. She's from E.C.U. High School. She graduated from Pride. I think she's from Burnsville. I think she claims Burnsville. That's for she used to practice. They're right. A Buck Hill. Buck Hill.

31. 31 athletes from Colorado will be competing. They ski and they figure skate and they snowboard. Did you have any idea that Minnesota was a close second? Yeah, I think that's cool. 24,

elites from Minnesota are right now on their way to Italy. I have them listed in front of me in case you want me to look anybody up. Can you name one other than who were we just talking about? Lindsay Bond. State of the Olympics. Are the curlers from Minnesota again, the curling team? John Schuster or are they retired? John Schuster?

Well, I think he retired. Didn't I used to do ads for John Schuster? Yeah, yeah. You used to do ads for him Because he was on Last Man Standing Nope I don't think Jesse Diggins is competing in the Olympics Is she?

Here's what I have for you Jesse Diggins, cross-country skiing Afton, Minnesota Okay, then she is Someone said something about curling Tabitha Peterson Lovic Curling, Egan, Minnesota Tara Peterson

Curling, Egan, Minnesota Rich Ruhonan and then Singen, Curling, Brooklyn, Park, Minnesota. Aiden, my God, how many curlers do you need on one team? Aiden Oldenberg. I've never heard of Mapleton, Minnesota, and I know my way around these parts. Aileen Graving from Duluth, Minnesota. Curling? Yeah, the curling team is usually all from Minnesota, men's and women. And then, of course, all the hockey players. Lots and lots and lots of hockey players. We're very proud around here, aren't we? Yeah, for sure. I mean, we're damn proud.

Finally, before we go, I didn't know. Hadn't heard of this, but I guess it was a big deal. The Chicago White Sox signed up a Japanese ball player. Yes. Big home run hitter. Yep. Muna Taka Murakami. Yep.

All right. You had heard this, Randy Shade. I have. And the White Sox, to be honest with you, Nick, have made a lot of deals in the offseason. They are serious about being way better this year. and they have been. Spending money, trading players, yeah. We'll brace ourselves for that.

So they went and signed this Japanese home run hitter by damn. For eight years, he played in the Japanese professional baseball league. He played for the Tokyo Yakult Swallows. And he hit a lot of dongs. 246 dons. There were a couple years where he hit in the 50s home runs. So this guy is supposedly going to come to the big leagues here in Chicago and start clubbing baseballs over the fence. What was a cute side note was when Mr. Murakami visited the White Sox Clubhouse for the very first time.

He said, hey, look, if I'm going to play ball here, something needs to be added to the clubhouse. And they said, okay, what is it? And he said, a bad day. I told you guys this. Glenn Perkins once told me that Nishioko, when they signed him, he insists on a bidet being installed into the bathroom at Target Field. This Murakami guy likes to wash his ass in cold water.

And so he demanded they install a bidet in the clubhouse, and apparently they're in the process of doing just that. You know, some fancy ones, they warm that water for you. Yeah, you can heat it up. They can get pretty fancy from what I need. I need one of those. I'll never know. I'll never know.

The cold is too scary. I like a dry, cold wipe. Yeah, you do. That's right. You mummify your hand with a good toilet paper, though, right? When I wipe, Josh, I want to feel it. Yeah. How are you living like that?

You know, it can get aggressive. I know what you're saying. I want to feel it. I want to limp out of that bathroom. 75-thrift sandpaper. Oh, man. Friggin bedaes. Everyone's out of their minds.

First time I sat on one, it scared me to death. Oh, you did try one? Well, I didn't try it. It was a surprise. And this was in the 1980s. You know my really weird pal, the one who's got like a bomb shelter and whatnot? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His folks' house. This isn't a friggin 80s. I think we were 10th graders. I didn't know that was a thing back then. Neither did I. And we're drinking beer all night, woke up the next morning, had to cut one. Did so hit the flood. button. I thought I broke the toilet. Oh, I would think so. Ice cold water shot up. Hit me in the

monkey button. Man, man. I was terrified. I thought, I think I even approached my buddy and said, I think I broke your parents' toilet. He said, no, it's a bidet. I said, but good day to you too, sir. And now they're everywhere. So I'm telling you, I tap danced with one in the 80s. They can be a little scary. Hit me right. Hit me right. Hit. Hit me. me right in the old dirty penny. Even if you're ready for it, it's still a little scary, man. Do you get scared by the bidet? Yeah, it comes at you fast.

Where does it hit you? It's a monkey button. You got a monkey button? That's me running. We're not coming in tomorrow. Yeah, you sound like you're dying, man. Oh, it's just terrible. I'm not either.

You weren't invited, Brad. You were always invited. I don't know. We'll talk about it. Josh and I'll talk about it. mom and dad will figure it out, but we both feel like just unmitigated ass. I don't know. I don't know.

It might be permanent. How many ibuprofenes are you allowed to take in a day? Oh, dude. I've been taking pills like Jose Canseco. I've had eight since 3 a.m. Is that bad? I'm popping pills like the Bash Brothers. Oh, this hurts so bad.

It's unbelievable. All right, boys. Maybe we'll talk to you tomorrow. Maybe on Monday. We'll let you know. All right. Sounds good. Take care.

are the friggin best. Both of them. Unbelievable. They're tied in first place, Josh, for the best ever. Randy and Brad. Too tough to choose between you. We'll be right back here with more on the half-ass morning show. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer. I think you should too. An AC tune-tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choke slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' comprehensive. compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com.

That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C-I, host of the stacking Benjamins podcast. You know what? A lot of us get taxes wrong. Filing your taxes is basically data entry. There's been this trend of people going, oh, it's so cool to file my taxes in August.

It's so awesome. Don't worry. I have an extension. It'll be fine. I'd like totally do it later. Stop. Do your friggin' taxes now. That was a really good fashion voice. Did you like it? You do that more frequently, please? Yes, every show from now. We'll be like that. Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Half-Azed Morning Show, 93X. All right, you bastards. Welcome back to the 93X. half-ass morning show, just dripping with disease over here. It's disgusting. I'm coughing and spitting all over the studio.

Josh is coughing and spitting all over the studio. The lights are bright enough to see Dana's face. It's disgusting in here. Yeah, that's not helping. You're right. I'm sorry. I'll hide be on the monitors. I'll duck down.

We're sick, but we're going to keep her going to the bitter end. We're doing it for our listeners. We're doing it for the greater good. the greater good. But more than anything, we're doing it for the money. We are? Changes, Josh. Times making changes in my life, Tesla said,

on their terrific mechanical resonance record from back in 1986, track two, side two. Times making changes in my... Beautiful song, and it's true. Time makes changes. Things change. change here's what I was a reading today by God you thought you could count on this until

the end of time but it's changed says here strippers at bachelor and bachelorette parties are a thing of the past how common actually is that I've only been to one where they had strippers show up was that never heard of it way more you know you haven't even heard of it No, not until you guys. I've never heard it like amongst friends that they've ever done something like that. Certainly going to a strip club common. Right. Yeah, having strippers, that's a whole other thing.

See, that's the thing is that I haven't even heard of out of the guy friends. I have that like going to the strip club is even a thing anymore. Well, this is exactly what we're talking about. You're a much younger person than the rest of us. And it must be your generation who is pushing, not intentionally, But it must be your generation who's got a new approach to Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. I wonder if it's a combo of that where maybe there's a waning interest. But also maybe there's not enough strippers that want to do it.

I mean, I'd be pretty fearful of, you know, showing up at a bunch of rowdy dudes place if I was a stripper. Oh, yeah, making the house call for sure. Which, by the way, I could be if I wanted to. Yeah, you had the body for it. and I can dance. Well, but they always bring some series of steroid tigers with them. It's not like these women just walk into a house full of donkeys. With a bachelor party, I was at that had it, it was all steroid tigers that were at this

bachelor party. So the security looked tiny compared to the... You can tell he was not used to... It was only one guy, security guy. He was not used to being the smallest guy in the room. Yeah. The other guy called in sick. They had to get the intern to go out there.

Let me give you some more specifics here. strip club has interns. You never know. You have to get your foot in the door somehow. The whole approach to a bachelor or bachelorette party. Making a telephone call and getting some strippers over there to knock you around the room. Apparently that vibe has waned. Here's more specifics on how this conversation got started.

Summer's over there on Reddit. Someone cut loose with the unpopular appearance. opinion gimmick. I believe there's even a page called unpopular opinion and folks can argue back and forth of course, insult each other, maybe even some threats.

And it says here, if you feel you need strippers at your pre-marriage party, where is this person from? Pre-marriage party. If you feel you need strippers at your pre-marriage party to have one last hurrah, you shouldn't be getting

married. I've never really liked the last hurrah vibe. Well, then you wouldn't have liked this in the 80s. Because, I don't know. It does seem a little weird, I guess, to me. Like, I'm about to commit to somebody that I, you know, swear I love more than anything in the world. But let me get some stranger boobs in my face before I do that.

Randos. You know, I mean, my wife and I were pretty prude, but she wouldn't have cared. I had asked her this before. Like, would you care if we would have got strippers? I mean, I had, my bachelor party was very tame. What are you talking about? You went to the Mall of America.

Went on a flight simulator. That's badass. That's wild. With my brother and my dad. That sounds sweet. All right. Time out now. I don't know if I've ever heard this story.

Well, your bachelor party consisted of what? My brother, my dad, and me. And we tried to go to the flight simulator, Dana, but we couldn't get in. Oh, no. So we ended up, I don't even want to say. Come on. We were at the Mall of America. I'll just leave it at that.

Did you least go to Hooters? There's no way I'm letting you walk away from this. No, I have to. I'm not feeling good. Leave me alone. Your bachelor party, it was you, your brother, and your dad, so you didn't even make an effort to organize anything, obviously. No, not at all. It was just kind of like, I wasn't going to have one for any other reason than I,

you know, I was 30-something. I'm like, I don't really need a bachelor party. Yeah, but you should have. So the three of you pile into a van. You go to the Mall of America together. Yeah, we were going to go to the flight simulator. I don't know if that's still there. But instead you...

You know, it was a long time ago. Come on. This was like 2000. What did you frigging guys do? Did you go on roller coasters? No, I don't think it was. Did you go to some kind of a food tasting event? Yeah, let's just say that.

Oh, no. Let's say that. Did you get the old-timey photo taken of you guys in, like, cowboy gear? That's what we did, yes. What did you really do, Josh? Yeah, what you do? You guys are acting like we went to, we walked by an aromatherap bar, went in there and got a head massage. I mean, that's what you guys look like right now,

and you look like fools. That's the face you're giving me. What guy would do that with his dad and his brother, try and get into a flight simulator, go across the hall to a aromatherapy bar and get head massage. What the heck did it? You know, over my lifetime, Josh, I've had friends deeply insult me. I've had friends.

I've gotten in physical altercations with friends, but I've never been more disgusted. This has been a bad week for the two of us. And the week started with me telling you I tried cauliflower crust pizza and I liked it, and then you told me that you hoped I die. Three grown men walked into an aromatherapy bar and got head massages.

I had nothing to do with it. I didn't even know what it was. Oh, what are you talking about yet? Anyway, that sucks. That story sucks. That's why it's never come up before. Can we give you a redo, man? Yeah, you've never brought that up before.

Never once. No, no. I only knew the flight simulator part that you couldn't get in. I didn't know what you did afterwards. Well, like I said, that part wasn't planned. I don't know whose idea it was. It wasn't mine. I didn't even know what an aromatherapy place was.

I think I'm calling it right. Basically, they put like this, you know, like if somebody's in the hospital and things aren't good and they put that little plastic tube up their nose? Oh, the little oxygen thing. Yeah, so it was like that with like, like, scent. Okay. Yeah, like I said, I sent it oxygen. And they had this.

Sounds nice and relaxing. I actually did it once at the Vegas airport. Oh, you did? Mm-hmm. Oh, well, then I don't feel so bad. Not an airport. Well, because I've been up all night at a strip club since it's horribly hungover. Okay, I don't think it makes it any better.

to be honest with you. I just thought it couldn't hurt and I just needed something. Was the massage by a woman? Bucknuts, Jesus. Yes, it was all women working. That's good at least. But I don't feel nice, a nice head massage? I'm not knocking it too hard.

I've never had a head massage. Oh, for Christ's sake. Let me tell you about it. There's nothing wildly new here. There's always been people who thought and expressed out loud. the idea that if you have a bachelor or bachelor's at party with strippers, that you shouldn't be getting married. It shows you aren't ready to get married if you need naked women or men all over you,

just days or weeks before you get married. So there's always been people who have been strongly against this, not just bachelor, bachelor, bachelor at parties, but adult entertainment in general. Your wife wouldn't care, right? No. So where they're going with this is, you know, a lot has changed with the overall vibe of a bachelor or a bachelorette party. I remember the first time I heard of this and it just threw me. You having a bachelor party, huh?

Yeah. What are you doing? Oh, we're all going to Mazatlan. That's all it is now. That's what it is. It's a four or five day everyone get on an airplane kind of a thing. And that, I think that's ridiculous. I would be pretty psyched to be invited to one.

I would never make other people do that for me. I'd feel bad. But it'd be cool to get invited to something like that because I would use it as an excuse to be like, well, I have to go. Oh, especially now as a mom. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's what it is. So like, let me go out like a two-day, two-day McKay.

Please, somebody get married. I need a two-day bender, please. So it's a different vibe now. It's not just going to a strip joint or having a house party and having the strippers come to you or, you know, drinking your, yourself blind at your neighborhood tavern. Now it's this extravagant five-day, me and 20 friends.

We all get on a, I don't, I don't, that sounds just like too much. Those are the only ones I've ever been to. I've never been to one where it's just a one afternoon or one-night thing. It's always been, hey, let's all meet up in this city, that city. Maybe it's an age. Is it because everybody lives in different cities? That is a part to do with it, too. That is different, that's different.

Yeah. That wasn't my reasoning. We just wanted some more time. Like one day I didn't feel like enough fun. So like for my bachelor party, we rented an Airbnb, like just a cabin here in Minnesota and got drunk and did that whole thing. But it was nice having like, you know, a whole day, a whole Saturday to hang out with all my girlfriends. It also says here these people who get on an airplane and go to Guam or whatever for a bachelor party. Let's go to Guam.

They're not so focused on sex with prostitutes and cocaine anymore. they're into golf trips, deep sea fishing. Oh, that sounds kind of cool, actually. Sporting events. One of my husband's really good buddies just recently got engaged, and obviously he's going to eventually have a bachelor party. And I already know it's 100% going to be a trip to like Arizona to go golfing for like three days straight. That's all they do.

That's all he's going to be doing. I just know it. I don't even know what I'd want to do if I had a bachelor party now. I know what I want to do. I want to go hog hunting from a helicopter. Oh, my God. That was oddly specific. Yeah, it's really cool.

You can do that down to Texas. You can get, like, this cool tree house. But have you ever been doing a romatherap bar? No, no, no. Oh, by the way, people would tell me. Night vision. That it would sound, that it's an oxygen bar, which sounds cool. See, that's what it was, an oxygen bar.

By the way, if... I know oxygen was involved. A friend of mine went hog hunting and said it was the most underrated. No, that's... Overrated? Most overrated? overrated experience. Did he do the cool?

You can like, do different. He was in a helicopter, a hang glider, all kinds of things. He said the hogs just stand there. It's just stupid. Oh, I don't want them to stand there. That's pretty sad. Yeah, they don't run away. They just look up and say, go ahead, kill me.

Oh, I mean, like, so, yeah, you can, like, shoot them with guns. Or you can, like, get down on the ground and, like, hunt them with just a knife. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Josh. You wanted to clarify something? It wasn't an aromatherap bar. It was. Oh, people are telling me it's a, what I went to was a oxygen bar.

which sounds cooler than aromatherap. It does? Yeah, I guess. I'll take that. You want to stab a helpless pig with a knife while it screams and bleeds and dies? They're, like, vicious. Because they'll be trying to kill you. So it kind of makes it better.

If they just like... But if you never showed up to go pig hunting, this pig doesn't come to your door and try to kill you. I don't know. You're going to seek him out. When he sees you holding that knife, yes, he might not be terribly. excited to see you. He might want to fight for his life. Yeah. Yeah, I do. I want to. Sorry. I thought like hogs could kick your ass. Oh yeah. You can't. You are an animal lover.

You're no way. Yeah, but I go hunting. Hunting is just different. I don't know. It feels different. We're talking about walking up like a very personal, you stab this critter. Like Rambo. Right. Like you're. I don't know. I think I could do it. It sounds so cool. No way. once that thing starts to scream, you are going to run away crying and someone's going to have to finish the job for you. What is wrong with you? Sorry, it sounds so cool.

This has been on my mind for like years. Oh, I get to being in a helicopter and shooting one from the sky. That does sound cool. But you're talking about eye to eye with this pig. You insert a knife into it. And the damn thing, eh!

I might, okay, I'll stick to the helicopter. Good Lord. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, I remember the first time we were talking about Bachelor and Bachelor at parties. The first time a friend of mine brought up the idea of going to Vegas or something. I mean, maybe I'm a dick, but I looked right in his eyes and I said, who the hell do you think you are? You're asking all of us to spend $2,5003,000 again?

Yeah, it's expensive. Just go to the Legion. But it's a different thing now. Yeah, a few people text in. They're like, you know, hey, broke bastards like us, we're not going on weekend getaways out of time. I'm the same way. There's no way.

I couldn't justify that expense. God, dang. Sometimes I wonder, like a buddy of mine, he got married out of state because he didn't want to invite a lot of people. So that was kind of his way to weed folks out that he had hoped, okay, maybe less people will show up. Oh, the destination wedding? Yeah, there were certain family members that he was getting pressured to invite.

And so he invited him, but just said, yeah, you got to go to Honolulu. or wherever it was. Yep. So that kind of kept it. That's really smart. My wife is going to destination wedding in the summer and somewhere in Mexico down there, and it's going to cost her more just for her to go for a couple days. I'm not going with because of the price.

It's going to cost her more to go than it did for our entire honeymoon for the two of us. That is crazy. Oh, she's going to have so much fun, though. Yeah, she will. And she's even splitting her room, and it's still more expensive than it was our entire honeymoon for a whole week. She can't even have fun than you split in a room. Laser Jesus texted the program and said,

I'd watch your back in the break room around that Ashley character. That's true. If anybody could do it. She's bloodthirsty. She is. She can wield a knife. Coffee powder to the top of the head. Didn't even see it coming.

How are you feeling over there, Cubby? Horrible. This sucks. Do you feel like a cold, wet, overflowing bucket of goat ass? Yeah, maybe lukewarm, even worse. I thought we lost you there. Had your head down on the desk there.

Poor guy. Are you going to puke? Do you guys ever feel like you're in slow motion? You shouldn't come in tomorrow. Like when your head moves, it's leaving a trail like the Matrix? Do you think maybe you're going to spray? No, and my head just is killing me. It hurts.

You got to go potty? No, nothing like that. Do you have a fever? I mean, I should try and go before I leave. You should always try. I don't think I have a fever, but I've been taking a lot of that. I be pro-farin. I'd be you.

So when you're, when you're, When you're having your bachelor party with only your brother and your dad and you go to an oxygen bar for a head massage, when does it dawn on you that this is just the worst frigging day of your life? Are you talking to me? Did it dawn on you? Oh, that is what happened. Okay, I'm sorry. I thought you're talking to somebody else. It had to have hit you at one point or another as you're lying on a table getting a head massage with your brother and your dad on your supposed bad.

It's more silly. We were sitting at an actual bar. It was an oxygen bar. Thank you to the brother and sister for clearing me. I thought it was called aromatherapy, but it was an oxygen bar. And you're at a bar as if you were drinking. But instead, you're inhaling scented oxygen. Did you have that moment of clarity where you said, oh, my God, what are we doing?

I kind of thought we don't know how to host a Bachelor party. I mean, I had fun hanging out with my dad and my brother. all of us looked at each other like, this is ridiculous. What do we even doing? It is so funny that you kept that secret from us for 30 years. Well, I think now you know what? Well, I mean, wait, how long you've been married? 20 years.

Something like that, 18 years. You kept that secret until today. Impressive, you've told us. Wait a minute, what else haven't you told us? I don't have a lot of secrets. That's one of them. I mean, you can understand why I wouldn't bring it up. Usually I need to-

That is so friggin' hilarious. Usually I need to confess to you immediately about stuff. Yeah. You never told me about that. No. I didn't want to let you down too much. I think I'm totally losing it. A few people text in and said, hey, don't give my Jesus name, but been to an oxygen bar. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet. But they don't want their name reveal. No, no. Yeah, right. Well, there you go. There's a chance we don't broadcast tomorrow.

We'll have to make a decision because half of us are pretty much in the top. toilet over here. Friday is a scheduled day off so nobody will be here Friday but yeah hopefully tomorrow's going to work out but we'll have to finger it out. It hurts. Let's let's just get the hell out of here, wipe this place down and we'll we'll figure it out if we'd love to be able to broadcast tomorrow but things are a little iffy around here. Before we do go a couple of shoutouts here. Black Mustang Jesus wants to wish is smoking hot. Oh, that was stupid. Oh my gosh. That just killed them.

You killed them. Whoever that shouted is for, they killed you. Shouldn't have tried. Why do you always try to hit that high note with the word smoking? I want to mean it. And this time it hurt. Yeah, that was bad. A hot wife, hockey mama, a hot hockey mama, Jesus, a happy birthday.

Retired U.S. Navy Jesus would like to wish his smoking hot mermaid a happy birthday. And then happy birthday to Paisley and Nora from 320 Jesus. The 93X half-assed morning show What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat.

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