93X Half-Assed Morning Show - HOA-holes

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

Originally Aired August 18, 2026: Entertainer C. Willi Myles. Hot or not? Everything you've ever wanted to know about range goggles.   Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93x half-ass morning show. 90-9. From top to bottom, from back to front. And up and down, we wish you good morning. From the 93x half-ass morning show.

To you. If that means anything to you, I don't know. But it's sincere. We cherish you. Normally I say appreciate. I thought I'd mix it up today, Josh. I like it. And tell the listeners that we cherish.

A little extra. And I know what some of you are saying already. You're saying cherish what band, cool in the gang, what year, 1985. And you'd be correct on that. We cherish you being there for us this morning. I got a question for our listeners right from the stinking get-go. I'm looking for text messages. To come in by,

damn to our Luther Bloomington Kia text line. If you have the time. 651-989-933-93 is the number. Here's the question. I know it's early, but I get excited around here. The question is,

how hot are you? Text us with a number. Rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. We're talking aesthetics? Exactly. How hot are you? Scale of one to baby spice, one to ten. and why you've come to that number.

The latest survey going around, an online poll, don't you know, asked folks on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your attractiveness? So where do you fall and why, if you don't mind? Brian says not measurable. Not measurable. So does that mean on the high end or the low end? He's leaving us hanging. How did I dig it so far?

Oh, here it is. He went on to say no scale can state. his looks properly. That's very interesting, Brian. I like that. We'd love to meet you in person. We've got a couple of state fair appearances coming up. Show up, Brian.

Crystal says 10 in the face, 4 in the bod. Okay. That works out, though. Go ahead. Yeah, that's probably the important part. Keep them coming. Again, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. Maybe tell us why, if you can.

651, 989, 933. Like I said, there's a little server. going around the godless internet. John Deere Jesus, negative 10. Jesus, both. That must be pretty. Okay, we need to see you too

at the state fair. Brian, we need to see if we can pick you out of a crowd if you are so unique that a scale can't properly measure your, and then John Deere, if you're that ass ugly, we need to see you too. Most people who have been messing around with this online, Josh,

most folks leaned toward the average when rating themselves. The majority of people said, and keep it in your pants, junior high kids, keep it in your pants. Most people said a six or a seven.

47% of people who played with this. Yeah. I'd be happy with a six or a seven. We're feeling pretty good about ourselves, I guess. 47% said six or seven, slightly more attractive than not. Crazy bastard Jesus rates himself an 8.4. 3.34. At 41, I'm 5'10, 206 pounds, and I can see my junk over my belly.

Hey. That's right. If you can see your junk still, you're doing okay. You're doing just fine. You ever done that, Josh? You look down and say, hey, that's some bitch a little more visible than it was a few months ago. I might be losing some weight around here. So the majority of folks, I guess I should say, rated themselves a little above average. Next most common answer was a four or a five. 30% of folks said four or a five. 8% said two or three.

8% also said an 8 or a 9. These are the folks who answered the survey online. I know a couple people that would probably put themselves at a 10 or 11. They kind of have that air about them. Yeah. Holy sweet Jesus said he was going to say five, but out of respect for Jaden Daniels, he'll say four. Now here's a guy with a story and a 7-200 area code.

Can anybody help me out with that? Oh, Colorado, it says right here. Wow, thank you for listening all the way from Colorado. We cherish you. We do. This guy's got a story. He said, compared to the guy my wife cheated on me with, I'm a solid eight and a half. Okay, where did I leave off?

Drunk Uncle Firefighter Jesus said, in the light, three. In the dark, also three. Oh, no. So an equal number of people, 8% called themselves a 2 or a 3. 8% said I'm an 8 or a 9. Where do I go? 3% of people said they're a 1. I'm a 1. I'm a 1. They're hideous, they say. 2%. The smallest percentage. said they're a stinking ten they look perfect in every way wow must be nice i kind of wonder if there's someone who's a three you know sometimes especially there's certain celebrities that will come

out and say how hot they are i feel if you need to push that yourself maybe you're not quite at a 10 i understand completely what you mean yeah some people are uh permanent case of beer goggles kind of thing when they check themselves out? They're more just kind of trying to talk themselves into it. Maybe it's something that lifts their spirits just to constantly be praising themselves. I think I know what you mean by that. Here are some comments from the online survey and we appreciate you texting in. Go ahead. Rate yourself from 1 to 10. Tell us why if you have an idea. We'll see how you stack up to the folks who were involved in this online survey. Some folks commented. Oh, how did this individual

put it? In the terms of conventional attractiveness, a young lady said, I'm a two or a three. But in my boyfriend's eyes, boyfriends eyes, I'm a 10. So it doesn't matter. That's, I'm picturing how her delivery. Yeah, probably. Probably spot on there. Maybe the boyfriend's kind of grabbing at his collar like,

You know, guys, I kind of thought they'd be a private conversation. For whatever reason, I pictured her breaking into tears at the end of that statement. I don't know why. It depends on the effort that I put in, someone says. And the amount of sleep I've gotten in the past few days. But anyway, makes a difference. They say, so that makes me anywhere between a four and a nine. Millennial steel cutter Jesus says, I'm a solid 10, baby.

It ain't about the looks. It's about the confidence, baby. It does go a long way. It does. Did he call us Baby twice in one text message? That's right, baby. He's got that confidence. What do you like better, Josh?

Baby? Or Beb? I say Beb quite a bit. I know you do. All right, here's an individual who says I'm a five. Who could be a six? And overall, I probably peaked at a seven, a time or two. Sure.

That's a perfect answer. I mean, you'd look at yourself over the years. I mean, look at this picture. of me right here, Josh, from 25 years ago. Hell, 30 years ago. Look at this picture of me standing around with the Dom triplets in studio all those years ago.

They look like all goes next to you. Where was I? Put a number on me from this picture. Recently someone found a bunch of old pictures here at the radio station and they go back 30 years and in this one particular picture I'm standing in the studio with the

some of these might be too young to remember. The Dom triplets from down in Jordan, Minnesota. They were in Playboy magazine, gorgeous blondes. So where would you rate me 30 years ago? First thing I'm going to do is I'm putting my finger over your portion of the picture. And, whoa, these are some attractive ladies. Now I'm removing my finger and I can see you. Who are these hags in this photo?

There you go. I'm going to put you at a solid nine. There you go. I feel like a 10 would be just going a little too far. You're where it's at, Covey. Yeah, definitely a nine. All right. Thank you for sending in your ratings. And these are flying by so damn fast.

You're free to play along. Josh, Dana Ashley. You're free to go ahead and give yourself a number if you like. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it's different every day. It really depends on what I got going on. Well, sure. How much did I eat the day before?

Like this person said, I'm a five. I could be a six. There's probably been a seven now and again. Yeah, it's that kind of vibe. Yeah, over the years... I can get dulled up. Over the years, you can land on different... Oh, yeah, you can get polished up.

Yeah, it's funny when I see Willie Miles, like, out of the show here, out in public. He, like, doesn't recognize me at first every single time. I'm like, is this a bit, or are you being serious? Do you not recognize me? Well, I mean... He'd be like, oh, my gosh, he'd be like, Ashley, every time. He's like, you really like... You're just...

I'm like, well, yeah. Well, here in studio, we look like college kids. I think overall, when we're broadcasting from our home studio, we kind of look like college kids that have been drinking for a couple of days. You know what I mean? Yeah. We always look tired. We're always wearing hoodies and dirty jeans.

We look like kind of a, the next morning of a college party. Yeah, the same hoodie from the night before type of vibe. Although some of us are starting to look a little old for college, but I think you understand. But then when we go to events, like say we go to Randy Shaver's Cancer Research Gala, everyone dresses up, Ashley runs into Sea Willie Miles. It's only natural that he really wouldn't recognize you because you're not wearing dirty sweats and pajama pants.

You don't have any food in your hair from the prior night or anything like that. Yeah, usually you're covered in bagel when you're here. Yes. Another brick in the wall, Jesus says he's in a dine of five, a Chan has in three, but a Pine City 12. See, that makes total sense, man. It really depends on the audience. It depends on your competition sometimes

what number you might give yourself. Well, I'll tell you what, we worked with a girl who was, I'd say a 10. I saw her, and I'm not in any way trying to be rude. Saw her without makeup once, and it was after a long night of drinking, whatever, it was the same thing, Ashley. I didn't recognize her.

We were at a brunch, didn't know who she was. She looked completely different. So you can't wear makeup that often. So you don't confuse people too much. I remember that. She came around the corner when Josh, ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh, wait, this is the gal that I...

The cryptkeeper. The cryptkeeper. How about this comment on, you know, I asked our listeners to give yourself a number, rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10. I know it's silly, but it goes along with a online survey that's running hot these days. So what do you make of this?

Wow. This is a... This is a beautiful way to think about it or a beautiful way to summarize it. One individual says the universe keeps me at the same level. I lost 60 pounds, but I went bald at the same time. That's not fair. This is a good one. On social media, nine.

Real life, about a four. Yeah. It is funny how easy is to fake it. Oh, yeah. I see, I don't know how to do these things. not even a little bit, but it's very common, isn't it, for folks to polish themselves, and there's a term, what is it again, Photoshop. Filter, thank you.

I mean, you filter a photo of yourself, and I mean, and strangers online would think, oh, my God, this individual must be a model, but in real life, you're just the average troll like the rest of us. Or it's a photo from like three years ago. Yeah, we've mentioned this before, too. If you ever are on a radio website and you see somebody's baby picture, that means they're horrible. They are just a troll right now. I've always found it weird when people will put like filters, beauty filters over their kids.

I'm like, that's bogus. That's kind of creepy. What are you trying to say? Just for the record from this online survey, I mentioned that the majority of people said they were a six or a seven, a four or a five. That's a majority of people who are modest about it and said, ah, I'm average in there somewhere.

whereas there were smaller percentages of people who thought they were just ass ugly. 2% of people said they were a 10. Just for the record, none of the people from this online survey who called themselves a 10 out of a 10. None of them provided any photographic evidence. Yeah, I would like to see somebody who considers yourself a 10 and decide if that's fair or not. Fun size, she just said, I guess maybe a 6 if I get myself all fancy, but it balances out with a 4 when I'm at Target. Sure. The universe balances it out.

F-N-S-A-A. F-A-S-A. Did she spell that a special way for you? F-A-Y. There's a few A's in there. I saw the opposite. Somebody who I was going to meet this fella at his work, and so they sent me like, here's the guy you're going to meet. And his picture, four.

In person, nine. I haven't seen that the opposite way. Well, he does not photograph him. You can relate to that. you can relate to that. I think I can relate to that too. I don't think we've covered this up and down. I don't think either one of us photograph well at all.

You look a lot different in person. So yeah, your meetup there, the dude that you met up with. I didn't even recognize him in person. He looked much better in person. Yeah, I asked him to, I said, hey, I'm here to see so-and-so. I said, well, I'm so-and-so. Looks completely different. One night I went to bed at 2 with a 10, woke up at 10 with a 2.

We'll have some more time here when we go to a commercial break to scroll through some of these text messages where our listeners have been kind enough to go ahead and rate themselves. You're all beautiful in our eyes. Heck yeah. We don't need a number. We love you regardless. But so many have come in. I want to make. We get to know your personality through text.

You're all 10. That's not always great. Maybe a couple. Oh, wait a minute. Junior Smoke Jesus used to call it range goggles. You spend too much time up in the iron range. That three starts to look like an eight. You take what you can get up there.

Range goggles. Dude, that's beautiful. That's exactly how it works, right? You go out of town with your bros. You know, you might run into some local gals at the bar. Then it comes down to either a one or a zero, right, Cubby? Yeah. Either you would or you would.

Well, you or won't. A few people. are texting in and saying it kind of depends on where in the world you are, that they've been places where they suddenly became a three. Where normally they might walk around as a six. I'd love to know where they were. I'd love that because that makes sense to me too. You know, like I've told you before, I spent some time in Ireland.

And I'm just telling you, they thought I was John Travolta. Yeah. And on the other Americans who were with me on this stupid radio trip to Ireland, all of us Americans were just gorgeous compared to the locals. I'm just, I was only in one town. Don't come after me for being anti-Irish. I'm an Irish person. I'm just saying we were friggin hot when we were in Ireland. My husband. We were scorching hot. He went there for two weeks and he like went around Ireland with his parents. What did he said?

He's like, yeah, you know, they're, uh, they look like people, I guess. People. You know, he really had much, many good things to say. He was kind enough to qualify them as people. Yep. They are humans. Bypads, Josh said.

HVAC delivery, Jesus said, according to his hand, he's a solid 10. Sure, your hand's not going to turn. Frigan hand. There you. And again, I'll get back to you. We'll get back to you on these text messages because they're, they're fast and furious Arden Hills Jesus is a Ham Lake hot

Yeah yeah there's Ham Lake hot My uncle worked in Ham Lake Range goggles that's the one I'll remember Yeah range goggles that's great You wanted you had something to say about your uncle My uncle I got a little distracted Because of a picture someone just sent in Oh where'd this go

Boy that's a lot of naked women Yeah he lived in Ham Lake and I'll tell you what I thought there were some hotties around there You enjoyed what you saw in Hamlet like, otherwise known as the pork pond. What about naked women? Someone's sending you a picture of a naked lady? Somebody sent in some photos. I'm clicking on text here, and that was very distracting. Who's sending your pictures of naked ladies?

Yeah, I want to see. They're coming in too fast. I can't tell you. Well, is a guy like saying, this is my girlfriend or what? No, it's just, I think it was the Dom triplets nude. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I clicked away quickly. Oh, sure, yeah. I got that. I still have their Playboy magazine. Short but fat, she said she met us at the state fair last year. she'd do every last one of us.

Hey. Thank you. That's all that matters. That's an honor. Up and down, she says. Well, she brought her husband with. You can't bring your husband next time. She ain't got no husband. This is unrelated, but you know, every once in a while, maybe we should cover this. Crystal says, why does everyone have Jesus in their names? Let's start it kind of by accident.

My damn, we got to go back. 20 years ago. All right. Go ahead. Tell them the story. For obvious reasons, I called Nick Radio Jesus. And then a trucker texted in and said, He was trucker Jesus, and that's kind of how it started. People started getting more and more creative with their names, and it's been great because, you know, there's a lot of mics out there, a lot of Johns.

So it would be kind of tough to figure out who's who, but with these names we get to know people and listeners get to know them as well. Most folks create their Jesus or the female version, Sheez's. Most folks create their name based on their occupation or a hobby or something about themselves. If you're brand new and you're looking to create your own Jesus or She's his name, that's the route most folks. That's how it started. Like Iron Range Jesus, I'm reading smooth right off of our text machine here. Iron Range Jesus, classic country Jesus.

Some folks get creative. They go against a grain and that's fine too. Here's a guy calls himself the Purve printer. Go fast, turned left, Jesus, northwest Wisconsin Jesus. We already read a text from short but fat sheizes. I'll try anything to do it. So you get the idea. And thank you for asking.

I guess sometimes we forget that new people might be involved and they don't know what the ass going on. Somebody says of Ham Lake, Ham Tucky is the other name for Ham Lake. Oh, yeah. There's another Tucky. Oh, there's dozens of them. Ah, what's the other one? Shoot. I mean, well, the one that I hear most often, maybe just because I'm a West Metro kid, is Mound Tucky.

But hundreds of towns in Minnesota folks have tagged Tucky on at the end to make fun of them. My favorite is East Methel. Oh, that's a good one. My favorite nickname for a local town is East Methel. Okay, anyone now, do you want to rate, does anyone on the panel here want to rate their significant other, or do you feel like living through the rest of this work week? Yeah, I don't want to get in some trouble here.

She goes back to school next week as a teacher. I'm not dating somebody's in college. I don't think I could say one way or the other. What about dating someone in college? Oh, I said, I'm referring to my significant other. I said she goes back to school next week. She's got a lot on her plate. I'm not going to rate anybody.

You see what I'm saying? I think so. I think so. I don't know what he said. I don't understand. Ram Tucky. Ramsey. That's what I was thinking of.

Thank you, brother and sister. Ramsey, Ramtucky. A little later on, we can talk about our significant others if you want in a similar but different way. But I wanted to, you know, let's get an idea of who we are first, rate ourselves. and we can go from there. I think it's pretty obvious from photos who the good-looking one and the relationship is on my end.

Yeah, your wife is insanely hot. Can I be completely honest? Wouldn't matter who is next to it. It doesn't really matter who's going. Don't be silly. I mean, we could fast forward 100 years. We'd still know the answer to that. Speaking of a guy who doesn't photograph well.

Right. I'm well aware. Ram-Tucky Shisis reminds us, of course, too. I knew there was a Shizus out there with the name. Sorry, one more time? Ramtucky she's out. She's out. Screw that out.

And Dana, again. Just kidding, Dana. Yeah, you photographed just fine compared to Josh and I. You do. I don't know what goes on when a camera turns on you guys. It's so odd. That's the way to put it. It turns on us.

It just all of a sudden is against us. Dana, it's different for you. You look kind of horrified in a lot of pictures, kind of wide-eyed like maybe you just, seen a terrible ghost on an episode of Dana and the Scooby-Doo gang. You look scared. Josh looks totally and completely awkward. For me, I think it's the amount, I mean, I'm just, I'm not going to end up on the cover of any magazines.

I never belonged there. But overall, I think these days, there's just so much gray to me now that it does something to the photograph. You see what I'm saying? You look heavier in pictures. up. That's exactly right. I think there's so much white and gray coming at you in a photograph of me that it messes with the exposure. A professional photographer probably could explain this. You know how sometimes Josh on television they turn on the bright cameras, right? And they even put a white sheet behind you, right? You see what I'm saying? Yeah, then you notice every single flaw.

For me, I'm just that white sheet. You know what I mean? There's something that it messes with the... When you always look heavier in pictures for some reason. It's odd. That's just how it goes. So anyway, there you friggin go. Oh. But a little bit later on, maybe we can talk about our significant others.

What else is going on this morning? See, Willie Miles is going to join us. Got to remind folks, if you'd like to join us on our booze crews coming up here, There's still tickets available through 93X.com. On what day is that? The 18th next month? Sounds right. Yes, it is the 18th.

This one's on the Mississippi. We are officially. That makes a difference to you. We got a band. We got food. It's going to be a good time. So you're saying they're still available. Still available.

Is our one-man band going to be there? Haven't gotten confirmation on that yet. Ah, okay. I know that was close, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Our promotions director made it sound like things were heading in the right direction as far as hiring the one-man band. And I'm glad you brought it up, but now I've forgotten his name.

We were introduced to this guy by a listener. I think he spends most of his time up north. He is a one-man band. I think he, if he's got all of his gear with him, he has the ability to play 37 different instruments at once. So cool. Anyone have his name? I feel like a gibronie now. I'm looking at that.

But we've had positive conversations with them. Positive. Yeah, I couldn't remember if that was locked in. Stevens, Socala. Yeah, it sounds right. Socola. Socola, yes, that's right. Socola.

He's like a big sweet or something. Anyway, all right. See, listeners keep texting saying that the boat is sold out. Yeah, I was checking that right now. Well, see, that's what people have been saying since the get-go. Yeah. I think there's a glitch in there somewhere. Yeah, so I wonder if that's a different site or something because I've been checking every day.

Usually they'd give us a heads up. Yeah, we'll make a telephone call on that. Yeah, we'll double check. What do you find in, Ashley? It just says, you know, limited quantity. Let me say checkout. Yeah, it works for me. Yeah, it works for me, too.

Yeah, we think we have tickets available, but we'll make a telephone call on that. We ought to take a break. It's going to be a hell of a deal. Thanks for joining us. Great, now I get to read some of these texts. I'm looking forward to it. We'll return with the stupid news and other nonsense here in few minutes on a half-ass morning show.

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Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. I love this. I got a chance to read a lot of your text messages. Thanks for chiming in. 651-989-93. That's our Luther Bloomington Kia text line. Appreciate you getting involved. We asked our listing audience.

to rate themselves. Very simple. Just rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10, a scale of 1 to baby spice. And why? You know, you could also add in. And a lot of folks did elaborate,

and that made it even more fun. It's not easy just to hang a number on yourself. Sometimes an explanation is needed, so. Let me roll through a few of these. There was an online survey going around where folks were rating themselves from 1 to 10. The majority of us from that online series, survey, put themselves in the average department, four, five.

Hang on to yourselves again, young people, six, seven. Anybody here, want to? Nobody here rated themselves. Oh, I'm a... I kind of did. I'm a ten. I said it varies. I mean, like, maybe average, like a six and a half. So you run at a six and a half. How high do you go? I'd say so. I could probably get up to seven and a half if I try really hard. I'm a three and a half, four. What about at your best? Three and a half or four.

I think of myself. Four point two. You know what happened to me last summer, Josh? You know, I have trouble with confidence. I have noticed that, and I kind of wanted to talk to you about that. Here's what happened to me last summer. I might have a totally different rating for myself, but last summer everything changed.

Went to a high school reunion. And one of the most gorgeous gals from my high school. We were 35 years out of school now One of the most gorgeous gals from my high school showed up at the reunion And she still looks absolutely stunning Cubby She called me hot

Hey that's pretty good So if you thought I was an arrogant douche You know a year ago Take a look at me now Every once in a while we do get a text from your wife saying Don't encourage him whatever it is She doesn't She doesn't dig me

so much. Okay, so here are some of your text messages. Appreciate you sending them in. Sheez's folding Jesus. He doesn't rate himself, but he says about his wife. He says, my wife makes more money than me,

and that makes her a 10. Another listener said, I'm a 3. I'm below average height, and I don't care for myself very well. I care for you. I'm sorry about that. Washed up. Warned up.

this is funny. They say beauties on the inside. So I'm about a one. Blood and guts are gross. They are gross. One listener says, I am a seven. And I only base that,

he says, on other people my age. He says, I'm 54. And when I run into classmates from yesterday year, I feel pretty good about myself. Lots of them look road hard and put away wet. Real estate rocker, Sheezer said, My hubby will tell you he's a 10.

Well, I'll give him a 10 for being. a crab ass. A crab ass? I haven't heard that long time. He's kind of a grouchy character, is he? Kung Fu Chef Jesus. I'm a three or a four. But if you see me while eating my cooking,

I'm a 10. While eating his cooking? Yeah, he's a good cook. Okay. One listener says here via text, I think I look like Janet Jackson, but come out looking more like Freddie Jackson. What movie Friday?

I'm a three, says a listener. Now, my personality, wittiness, sarcasm, and just plain coolness are at a 15 plus. Nice. But my oral hygiene is so bad. That's why I'm only a three. That's I have a cat named Bill Jesus. What's going on with your yapper?

Brush your teeth, bro. Hey, you can change that. Let's go. Tell us, get back to us if you can. I have a cat named Bill Jesus. Ashley, you said it's kind of day-to-day for you. This person's the same. They say, I'm feeling an eight this morning.

damn tan and the muscles are looking strong. Yep, that helps. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I'm like choking over here. I need a minute. Josh, do you know why Super Dude Man Jesus has rated himself a two? No, why?

Because he's the sh. Tattooed with diabetes, Jesus texted in. Says he's a five. Because I have tattoos with diabetes. Here's a listener who simply texted in and said, I peaked in high school. It happens. That's all right.

It happens. Yeah, plenty of folks do. Not that we're mean about it, but every once in a while, my wife and I will be looking through social media and we'll find people that we went to high school with. My wife and I went to high school together. She was two years younger than me. And we'll see pictures of folks from our high school days. And we'll kind of check them out for a while and say, yeah, they peaked in high school.

And God, you know, I was very jealous at times of some of those characters from my high school. Because, yeah, they had all the swag in the world with the girls. And we're talking like seventh grade. You know, they had a look and they had a style and they were confident. And I do look back and some of those guys I still love. But some of them I think back and go, wow, why did I think that dude was so cool? Anyway, what is this now?

Our listeners, if you're just tuning in, we're just tuning in. we asked our listeners to rate themselves on a scale of one to ten and why Mr. Booby Cooler Jesus says my wife thinks I'm a nine but she smokes rock hey that helps speaking of peaking in high school Josh here's Glenwood Jesus who says 1990 me a nine 20 and 26 me a four hey that's a lot of time it's a lot of time yeah you you slowly got to that four I wouldn't worry about that. But you didn't mean not to, Jesus thinks he's a legit

seven. I met him on the boat. I'd put him at probably an eight. But once I get talking to a woman, nine or ten, above all else, I can talk man. I sling words like lunch ladies sling sloppy joes. He's a talker. He is. That makes such a difference, right? Personality.

If you can speak a good game, if you can... I've got a couple buddies or I know some women who maybe somebody wouldn't do a double take in a mall. But once they get to know them, they're I mean, they're so attractive, you know, just their personalities or their air, the way they carry themselves. No woman ever saw me across the bar and said, I need to go talk to that guy right now. Well, you're tall, and we're joking about your looks.

You're not a bad-looking guy. I could see women coming your way. You got to have the skills when it comes to rapping. Okay, a couple more real quick, and then we'll move on. I see a lot more text messages coming in. Appreciate it. One listener says, my face decided it hated me. when I turned about 12 years old.

Oh, no. My face hates me. Another listener has said this now. They rate themselves somewhere between and... Eh. This is great. Swamp-stomping Jesus sent in a side-by-side photo

and says, I call this one cause and effect. It's his married photo for many years ago and what he looks like now. And his married photo, he's got a big smile, and now it's just a big grimace. What's the name of the guy? Swamp-stomping Jesus. I love that. It calls it cause and effect.

Okay, I've got to find this now. By the way, his wife is a hot number, or maybe ex-wife at this point. That's good. That's a great side-by-side. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah, interesting.

How many years ago was that that you're up and got married? You can see the mileage on his face now. He's been through it. Eight and a half, finally. And we might have to come back to this because so many texts are coming in, but for now, Matt B, oh, better known as Painting Jesus, has given himself the number of eight and a half. And here's his reasoning.

He's 38, 6 foot 4, 230 pounds, and he's at the age. Remember, he said 38, at the age where he says, I can date the mom or the dog. daughter. He's right. Yeah. He's right. He's got options, Cubby. I guess so. Yeah. I never considered that. You get that age and it's a possibility. All right. Here we go. Cripes.

We got a fresh batch of jabroney-like behavior here for today's stupid news report. Oh, Cubby, we're talking about your everyday All-American Homeowners Association. Now, again, I'll go ahead and say that Once in my life, I lived in a townhome type of a setup that did include some type of homeowners

association overseeing the whole works, but I never heard word one from those folks in the three plus years I lived there. But I've heard enough horror stories over the years about HOAs to where it seems to me that I got lucky. We had one that was pretty bad. Right now, when we moved in, we thought We were in an area that has an HOA, but we're just one house outside of their area. So we lucked out. We don't have one. But the people who run the HOA, they do walk the neighborhood. See, I didn't know that.

And look for any violations. I thought that homeowners associations only applied to apartment complexes and townhomes. I thought that, too. So there's things like planting beds in certain areas or they put Christmas lights up on the, You know, the entrance to the neighborhood. Yeah. Yep. So people pay for that.

And we get it like a couple of bums. We don't pay for any of it, but we get to enjoy it. We kept asking when we first moved in, like, hey, are we going to get kicked out? We're not getting billed. We were asking folks, nobody knew what we were talking about. The whole gimmick is so odd to me. So it's all about keeping the neighborhood beautiful. Like they have some clean up, mowing.

I don't give a rat's ass if you got a couple of broken down cars on the set. I don't care. By mowing, I mean, mowing the country. Common areas, not your home. Mowing the common areas. You're pretty good at mowing your common areas. Yeah, heck yeah. Okay, so here's the deal.

Grass doesn't grow on a playground. I often hear people say, is that slogan new to you? I've never heard that, no. We had a sales guy here to say that all the time. Oh, wow. He kept himself as sleek as the day he was born. Slim and hairless like little cubby. I often hear people say things like my homeowners association.

sucks. They make us do this. They make us do that. They're constantly calling and complaining about every damn thing. So again, I consider myself very lucky. Yeah, we had some pretty strict rules at a townhome that I lived in. Tell us about it. Well, just things like you could only leave your garbage can out for several hours, really like the morning of, you got to put it out and you got to put it back immediately. Or what? Oh, gosh. Or what? Or they'd be true. They'd find you. You couldn't leave your garage door open. Right. Whenever you had to have it closed at all times. What do you mean at all times?

Unless you're using. If you're hanging out in there drinking beer, they're okay. You can't, no, you can't. What? You couldn't. That was part of why they had that rule. You couldn't sit. You couldn't put a flag out, even on flagged.

Hang on a second. We got to go back to this garage door. So if I'm working on my car, can I have my garage door open? No. No reason other than using it. If me and my buddies are drinking only in and out, vehicle in and out is the only time. What the hell is that? That's insane.

Why do I even have a garage? The guy that ran at the president was the biggest. crank I've ever met. Crank. And he also, by the way, didn't follow the rules. Stupid stuff like you could only have certain types of landscaping, like certain plants and stuff like that. Did you know this before you signed up to live there?

I knew they had an association, but I didn't know any rules. You didn't know you were dealing with this. Yeah, they don't advertise that part. The biggest crank. I knew there was like, and we didn't really get any. I'm trying to think about we got out of that association. Maybe just the same thing, mowing the common. That sounds horrible.

Oh, yeah. I mean, like I said, I got in trouble for putting a flag out on Flag Day. I would have thought that that's... You can't do that in America. My bad. Josh, putting a flag out on Flag Day is the cutest thing ever. When I lived in this townhome community I mentioned, where we had a homeowners association, that's all we did was sit in our garages day and night with the some bitch open, drinking beer, carrying on, playing music on the, what do you call it, the radio?

I can't believe that you weren't allowed to use your garage door for anything other than the vehicle coming in and out. That was it. I mean, this guy, so he was retired. So he had nothing to do other than enforce these rules. You guys should have beat his ass. Yeah, you should have. I got fined for having my garage door open. Should have turned on him.

Blanket party. All right. That's how I found out, by the way, that you can't have your garage door open. What's the fine? You got a fine in the mail. Yeah. Remember how much it was? I was like 100 something.

That is insane. Oh, low 100. Are you making this up? Yeah. Yes. You left your garage door. You left your garage door open and received a fine of over $100. Yes, it's like a 120-some bucks.

The United States of America. I believe so. Is Shacopi in the U.S., or did they annex that? I would have wrapped that fine in dog turrets and lit it on fire on his doorstep. People are saying here that garbage can rules a lot of times are city ordinances. I couldn't tell you. That's the only place I lived in Shacopi. So I was told it was an HOA thing, but maybe it was the city thing.

I didn't know I would come out of this conversation. absolutely furious. I begin to cut a sweat from hearing your story. I lived with my brother. I should ask if he remembers anything else. But it was crazy strict. That was definitely I put a bad taste in my mouth for HOAs. Do your brother bring any foxy ladies back to that place? Foxy ladies?

A couple. Yeah? Probably. All right. Let's get back to this friggin. What are we doing here? Homeowners Association. What do you think of this gal? here. I'm not sure where she's living and it doesn't matter, but it says here, her flipping HOA is constantly busting her chops about a dead bush. And don't get cute with that. I know. Just got to deal with it. Her HOA is constantly up her ass about a dead bush that she has setting on her property. So this gal says that her homeowners association keeps dumping a $45 penalty on her

over and over again for that dead bush. They would hate me. I have three in my front yard right now. Oh, I didn't notice that. Yeah, we tried. And then we had a warranty for them, but we got lazy. So, yep, now they're just dead. A warranty for a bush?

Yeah, like a year after they plan them. Yep. I've never heard of you plan them. Anyway. Very interesting. So the gal has taken to spray painting that dead bush green. So the, so the HOA not. sees will get off her ass as she recorded a video of the bush being sprayed green.

I could use that for the grass. I wonder if that stuff works. There's that grass paint or whatever you call. I need everyone to know that I had no idea that that was coming. I just also wanted to spray paint my bushes. That's hilarious. Oh, you thought about doing it? Yeah. I've considered using that grass spray, Josh, but never pulled the trigger on it because, number one, it probably doesn't work. And number two, I didn't like the idea of my neighbors seeing me spray painting my lawn. Seems a little silly. I would think they'd look out the window and say, well, this guy is a flipping moron. All right, check this out from Trash Daddy Jesus.

And he reminds me this was one of the rules. His grandma lived in an H-O-A where they weren't allowed to park in their driveway. They had to park in the garage. The H-O-A said the driveway is just that. the way you drive into the garage. We can't talk about this anymore. I forgot about that. That was one of ours too. I'm going to bust a spring.

So the lady's been spray painting her dead bush green. She made a video, like I said. And in the video, she said, it's not dead no more, Becky. Is that the new Karen thing? Now we call people Becky or doesn't matter. Maybe her name is Becky. Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

Yeah, maybe her Homeowners Association leader is named Becky. I thought maybe that was a Karen. type of a thing. The lady says, it's green now. She comes off like she's pretty satisfied with the paint job. A lot of people who commented on this

year's story liked her style. Folks more or less said they could relate to that level of HOA nitpicking. They can relate to the frustration that this gal is feeling. Some folks question why she would post proof

of her creative solution to the dead bush, why she would post that online instead of keeping it a secret because now the HOA is aware of it and they're being even bigger dicks about it. An easy answer there is that this gal probably wasn't expecting over 7 million people to watch and share her video.

Yeah, those are folks that are frustrated with their HOA's tuning in, right? It doesn't look terrible. Some folks... I didn't get a look at it, but a little green paint, to fix anything. Some asked her why she didn't just replace the dead bush. I mean, that's a good question. Maybe she just doesn't have the time. She's a busy gal. It's annoying. I'm sorry?

I hate doing it. Probably that's why it's annoying. I hate that kind of nitpicky yard work. Yeah. I mean, I'll do it, but I don't enjoy it at all. So while we're talking HOAs, it says here, there's a comedy bit going around. Tell me if you're aware of this. Where an HOA, this is a comedy bit going around. And HOA wants to ban. Oh, we were just talking about this. HOA wants to ban garage sitting where people sit in folding chairs and watch cars go by. They want to ban it because it's, quote, porch-type activity. I'm not sure I get the joke there, but there's a joke.

There's a comedy bit going around. Garage sitting, like I said, that's all we did. In my old neighborhood and Rogers in my townhome community over there by the Water Tower, if your garage door was open, that meant you were hosting the party that night. God, those were good times. We were all in our 30s, all in our 20s and 30s. and we just drank ourselves into oblivion up there every night. Josh knows, I barely made it to work most days back when I was living.

I loved having my garage open. We partied our asses off. I would go to bed at 3 a.m. and wake up at 4 to come here to the radio station. It was disgusting. You must have had a cool H.O. Although there wasn't a lot of townhomes there that I remember. Was there? There was.

For some reason, even when you first moved in, for some reason I don't remember like a ton of different buildings. I don't know. There was maybe... Like some of those communities have dozens of them. It's probably six or seven. Anyway, like I said, I never heard word one from them. There was a homeowners association. They never said a word to any of us.

Wow. There's a lot of texts coming in on some pretty rough stuff from the HOAs. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Josh, and reading about other folks. That just sounds miserable. Some of it was so nitpicky. Who would care? I'd end up throwing a rock through somebody's window.

Yep. And I'd ask the guy like, Like, specifically about the garbage cans, right? I told them, well, I go to work super early, and back then we couldn't really work from home. No. You know, like we can now. We'd sit here all day. It sucked.

So it would be until three or four in the afternoon. Sucked. Sometimes five. And I know a lot of it was my fault. I hated it. I hated you. I know. It was my fault a lot of times.

Yeah, it was. So I told them, like, what do you expect me to do? I mean, are you willing, do you want to go bring my stuff in or what? There's nothing you can do. Well, people that work nine to five, there's nothing they can do. They didn't care. It was really weird. It was just this guy that ran it.

You know, he didn't care. He was the president of the whole thing. You ever consider murdering him? No. No? All right. This one here is for fans of a television show called The Office. Never saw it.

Love it. Says here, once upon a time, an actor by the name of Adam Scott. And I looked him up. I'm familiar with the guy, mostly from a character he played in the movie, stepbrothers where he played Derek Huff. Brennan Huff's successful but arrogant younger brother, Brennan Huff, was played by Will Ferrell. If you are having trouble picturing the guy,

Derek made fun of Brennan at the high school variety show or whatever. And then John C. Riley's character, Dale Doback, he banged Derek's wife. So I think most of these, you know the deal, right? Step brothers. Dude, it's so good. All right. So Adam Scott played Derek Huff in Step Brothers.

Adam Scott back in the day he auditioned for the sitcom The Office. He didn't get the job. The job went to a feller called John Krasinski. Okay, so now, years later, Adam Scott's daughter is taking acting classes, and his daughter says that her acting teacher has been using Adam Scott's audition tape for the office as an example of what not to do at an audition.

That's hilarious. And the teacher has been showing the John Krasinski audition of what you should do at an audition. You're able to follow all that? Yep. Last week, Adam Scott was on the Jimmy... Kimmel? Excuse me, Fallon.

Last week, Adam Scott was on the Jimmy Fallon program and he told Jimmy that the acting teacher puts on the two videos and says, Okay, let's discuss why he got the job and why he didn't. On the first day of one of her acting classes, her teacher showed video of my audition for the office. And then he showed John Krasinski's audition for the office. Wow.

He's like, okay, let's discuss why he got the job and he didn't. Oh, my God. No way! Did he have any idea that that's your daughter? He had no idea. But I'm just happy to know that, like, in a prestigious acting class, I'm the subject of, like, what not to do? That's very funny.

And that Adam Scott guy is a very funny and talented actor. Yeah, he is. He plays a really good D-Bag. He's awesome as D-Bag. That's cute. So the acting teacher had no idea that Adam Scott's daughter was in the class. Now, his daughter was very embarrassed by this, and she showed it. And so as Adam Scott was saying there, his daughter was walking out of class that day,

and the teacher noticed she looked upset. He stopped her and said, do you know one of those two guys? And then he kind of put two and two together with her last name and realized he was insulting her dad. Oh, no. Teacher felt terrible about it. says here, Krasinski was ultimately cast as a feller called Jim Halpert on the office. That show ran from 2005 to 13. Scott did go on to star in a sitcom of his own called Parks and Recreation, never saw it,

and that ran from 09 to 15. Yeah, I couldn't imagine Adam Scott playing Jim. That's weird to even think about. Yeah, I can't picture that either. That just doesn't work. Sometimes when you hear these things where so-and-so was going to play that character, You can see it, but I can't see this one. It reminds me of a story.

I can't remember if we heard this firsthand, Josh, on the program, or if I heard it secondhand. You old 80s rockers are certainly familiar with Jeff Tate lead singer of Queensreich. He told the story about, well, first off, if you don't know, Jeff Tate, especially in the early days of Queens Reich, he just couldn't find his look. specifically he did not know what to do with his hair. Yeah, it got silly at times. And in the early days, it was kind of like an over-exaggerated kind of an Elvis-type haircut, huge comb back. And of course, the 80s rock fashion was a lot of it was very silly. So anyway, Jeff Tate told this story about when his daughter was in high school,

her classmates tortured her by posting literally, like in the, like, like, with tape, not posting social media. Her classmates would tape pictures of Jeff on her locker every day to torture her because her dad looked so ridiculous back in the early days of Queensreich. And he had to deal with that when she would come home from school. If you have a famous parent.

Sorry. Oh, thank you. I know I look like a jackass in 1986. And I know you can still find those pictures everywhere. He felt terrible about it. I can't imagine having, like, a parent that, I don't know, they're nude anywhere, like whether that's an actress or a singer or whatever it is. Yeah, the naked parents.

Yeah, that would be absolutely terrible. I don't know how they get through that. Yeah, like, consider Pam Anderson's kids. You're going to eventually, like, you can't avoid that, right? Like, I mean, unless you set up your internet to avoid it, I guess, but, like, somebody's going to taunt you with it at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Something like, I know a kid who's mom. sold sex toys and whatnot. I mean, that's rough. But right, if there's nude photos of your mom or dad running around out there, that would be pretty, I mean, how do you get through something like that? You don't. H-O-A Jesus has checked in on the H-O-A. He knows a thing or two.

Oh, yeah? He said he's a property manager and manage those HOAs. I could tell you some horror stories, but he said it goes both ways. People are off their rockers sometimes, too, just the homeowners. Okay. I think I'm still going to live. look at HOA what is he a manager

I'm still going to look at HOA managers with angry eyes for a while after hearing the story the stories that we've heard this morning oh sure this is always interesting for me to discuss one of these folks all the type who

oh I don't know we've told similar stories before you know the the type of folks who walk around for decades with a saw blade behind their eyes and don't know it. Yeah, insane. You know, a terrible accident happens. They end up with an

electric toothbrush up their can, and they're totally unaware for years. Well, they never know how that got up there. They have no memory. Anything rectal. Sometimes they feel it, and they ignore it, hoping it will go away. Years go by. So what do I got here? A little different, I guess, but

I'll go ahead anyway. It says here, a Russian lady was surprised to find out she had 10 broken acupuncture needles stabbed inside one of her legs. Anyone here ever done acupuncture? No. That looks absolutely terrifying to me. I know some people who have.

Did it work? Like to quit smoking or something? Both of them were... How do I say that? Both of these older fellers. Yes, their goal was to quit smoking and it didn't hold. But they tried it. We joked around about how, you know, while they were laying on their stomachs,

with their shirts off and the acupuncturist was stabbing them. Did smoke come out as they were because they were heavy, heavy smokers and they tried to quit. It didn't hold. So you said it didn't hold. You said it didn't hold? Does that mean it worked for a little bit? No, sorry. It didn't work at all. Sorry, but poor use of

All right, here's this gal. She was surprised when she found out she had 10 broken acupuncture needles stabbed into her legs. She says she only underwent a single session of acupuncture. Something to do with a bad leg she's been carrying around.

So she saw the acupuncture doctor, and soon enough afterwards, she couldn't walk for Dick. So she took herself to the nearest hospital when a doctor dumped an x-ray on that leg. They were, or there were, like I said, at least 10 needle fragments lodged in there. But not she's... Good Lord. Yeah. I think they'd be a little more pro than that. Well, that's the thing. Now she's wondering, who was this derelict, so-called acupuncture expert that she went to see?

And how and why did the bastard bust 10 or 12 needles up inside of her? And then sent her out of there like it ain't no thing. So I think she and her doctors are wondering if this acupuncture character was legit at all. Computer repair, Jesus said a good friend of his is doing acupuncture to try and get rid of a red meat allergy. You know the one he can get from a wood tick? Oh my gosh. Biggest nightmare. Yeah, that can kill you, right?

Isn't that allergy so bad? Yeah, very, very bad. He said it seems to be working. He got sick from a tick? Mm-hmm. I think I've heard of that one, yeah. It jumps off of your cheeseburger or your steak? The tick?

Yeah. No, you get bitten and then all of a sudden you develop an allergy to red meat. It's strange. Oh. Isn't my version a little scarier? Yeah, I like yours. Let's go with yours. Let's go with that one.

Yeah. It jumps right off your friggin' meal and into your body. And then it feeds off of your blood. So anyway, this disaster turned out to be a warning for folks to make sure you find yourself a legitimate doctor when the time comes and not some two-bit hack who just wants to put on a lab coat and cut little pieces off of you and watch you bleed. Yeah, how do you know if an acupuncturist is legit? I don't know. I mean, you can't go to a regular doctor and get that, can you? Do they have a section?

I don't think so. Can you do it cheap and you just piss off a porcupine? I mean, does that work? Or do you need a little more accuracy? I don't know, Cubby. Hopefully neither one of us are ever in need of acupuncture. I've heard nothing but great things. Helicopter fixer or she says she's a vet and she does acupuncture for people.

PTSD. Works great. We'll keep your number. You're legit. See what I'm saying? Now we found a legit doctor in case we need it. Sports. On the 93X half-assed morning show. One, two, three, take me out to the ball game.

Take me out. I'm going to cry. Buy me some peanuts and crack. Good checks. I don't care if I never get back It's root, root, root for the Cubs. It's a shame. One, two, three strikes you out at the O.

He had to sneak that in there. I would have been disappointed if he didn't. One of the greatest living Americans, Mr. T. Throughout the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game a couple of days ago, and he sang Take Me Out to the ball game and he sang it beautifully. He's great. Save that one, Josh.

Save that one. That was beautiful. 74 years old. Still looking pretty good. He did kind of a cheesy interview with a local television morning show. Also, I saw a little piece of that and he carried that interview because the hosts were very boring.

But, I mean, just a true idol of mine. Looks great. Like for 70, you said 74? 74? Looks terrific. Never guessed. Put that one in the all-timer file. Josh, I got to stop reading these text messages from our listeners. I got to stop reading these messages about homeowners associations, or I'm going to bust a spring. This has been infuriated.

Yeah, we told you, man, some of those rules are so nitpicky. It's bad. So frustrating. How do people get away with this? And what kind of person wants to be the one that enforces those rules? Oh, there's a few. I mean, I just can't ever picture my son. being that person.

People love control and power. And this will give them all the control and power that they ever dreamed of. You guys know me, management material. Uh-huh. When I was the- Well, you were a manager years ago. Yeah, so I was just going to say, when I was the assistant, what was I? Assistant Program Director.

It wasn't something that I really wanted to do, but I needed a full-time job. And they said, you do this or you're gone? I said, well, I better do that. and our boss at the time was one of those guys. I mean, Nikki just kind of mentioned off air that I still have some trouble dealing with him for many, many years ago. But he was one of those guys,

and he would always say, hey, call so-and-so and let him know not to do this. Tell him not to do that. Tell him not to do this. And be like, yeah, you got it, boss. Never would. Because it was so nitpicking. It was so stupid.

Like somebody would have a second of dead air. He'd wanted me to call him on the hotline. Oh, my gosh. You kind of got suckered into that gig, didn't you? Yeah, well, it was kind of forced. Right. They kind of pushed you into it. that gig. Yeah, it wasn't something I really wanted.

And I think it was just so I could be that guy for our boss. You know, like, do all the bad guy? Yeah, well, he loved being the bad guy, but the heavy hitter stuff. He wanted someone to kick around. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, there was no way. I mean, I figure, you know,

that person probably knows that you shouldn't have dead air. I don't think I need to remind them. Probably not. About it. All right, here's some more text messages that came in on these brutal, ridiculous homeowners associations. Here's a guy who said, my mom had a crew come over and paint her house.

A week later, she received a letter from her homeowners association saying that it wasn't an approved color and she had to repaint it. Yeah, a few people are texting it something similar or they'll get an assessment on something they weren't ready for, maybe new windows, new decks. One person said they got a bill for a $12,000 deck that they didn't even want. They had to have the decks refinished or whatever they were doing to them. Once, a listener says,

I got a fine from my homeowners association for slightly broken blinds on the inside of my living room window. Good Lord. This person said HOAs are as bad as youth sports boards. Oh. Oh, I've heard stories. Some of them can be a little difficult to deal with. I'd like to hear more stories on youth sports boards.

Yeah, texting some of those. I mean, I think I know what they mean, but I'm not exactly sure. It's very political. Folks are saying H-O-A people who enforce the rules, nerds that got picked in high school, now they're getting the revenge. In my experience, the ones, they were just retirees that hated everybody. I don't mean to drag this out because I know we have to get to Josh's news report, but youth sports boards, are we talking about how the rich kids make the A-team and that kind of stuff that's been going on for decades? Go ahead and ring your bell there. Yeah, okay, that's what we're talking about.

I can tell you a story later about the hockey board in my hometown when my brother and I were kids. Maybe someone write it down. Maybe we can bring it up and we talk to Randy Schaever. I'm sure he has experience. Yeah. Someone write that down or I'll write it down. I asked Josh, as he said at one point or another, he and his brother lived together. You live together in a town home and you had a homeowners association that went after you now

again, right? Yep. And I asked Josh, I said, did his brother ever drag any foxy ladies into that town home while the two of them were living together? And he said, yeah, a couple. Here's a guy who texted in and said, one of his home owners association rules, one of the rules from his HOA,

no foxy ladies. That's why he never had the foxy ladies over. This guy says if you brought a lady back, she had to be a gargoyle. Just horrible. There were no foxy ladies. They do bed checks. Here's a go. Yeah. Yeah, they check in.

Hey, what are you got here? She's too attractive. They're coming with a flashlight? No, no, no, no, too hot for our neighborhood. Where's she from? Pine City, okay, that'll do. I'm on the board of our HOA, this text says. We operate the opposite of these horror stories.

Our philosophy is to let people live their lives as long as they don't do something really stupid. That's the way it should be. Be reasonable. Yeah, that's beautiful. All right, Twins 1, Game 1 of that Atlanta series. Josh's News is coming up here in a few minutes. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life.

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That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. These players are battered and exhausted, but you don't hurt like this if you don't care about this team, about this country, about this game. You can feel the intensity. The goals, the energy that, wow, look at us. Here in the U.S., I have got some news for you. There's so much more to come.

My name is Megan Klingberg, and we're just getting started. The U.S. soccer. podcast presented by Henkel. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. There's a dushiness to them. The 93-X half-assed morning show. He was a 12-year-old, attacked her with a knife. There were several cuts, not life-threatening injuries, but it could have been much worse. Middle school is usually where kids learn fractions, geography, and the fine art of wearing way too much cologne. But a group of seventh graders at a Virginia school got a much more serious lesson last week when trouble shows up.

up, sometimes you got a dog pile of punk. A 12-year-old boy at Jonesville Middle School used a kitchen knife taken from the school to a low-key stab a teacher Wednesday. The situation was obviously suss. And before things could go from bad to worse, these students decided to lock in. While most kids would understandably be looking for the nearest exit, several seventh graders jumped up and tackled the kid, holding him until cops arrived, gaining some serious aura and proving some heroes wear backpacks. Students in the classroom help subdue him, hold him down, until authorities could get there and take custody of him.

The teacher was hospitalized with injuries that required stitches, but is expected to recover. Lee County Sheriff Gary Parsons said the students probably saved lives, certainly saved the teacher's life. Dang, they think this kid was really going to kill her? It sounds that way, yeah. What, and the heck was going on there? As for the mini assailant, he's cooked.

He's now in custody facing. several charges. The student's been charged with aggravated malicious wounding and assault and he's being taken into juvenile detention. Of course, there's going to be a court appearance at a later date. Luckily, no other students or staff were hurt. Next stop, Juvie.

Yeah, I mean, thank goodness those kids were brave enough to stop that. They got in there, they did. They sure did. Swiped a knife from the Holmack room. Crazy, dude. How old was this kid with the knife? What did I say? Well, he's just 12. He's 12. He's 12.

12. Ask me running. When Bedford County, Virginia firefighters responded to a fire at Forest Middle School, they found more than flames. An eight-foot python was waiting for them on the second floor. It definitely threw before a whirl. I was not expecting that. I mean, you go in thinking about the fire and you're worried about the fire. You're thinking about many different things with the fire, not a snake. It's definitely something different. Firefighter. Josh, do you just hand the hose to the average citizen at that point? I don't mind snakes, actually.

But if it was like a tarantula or something, yeah, I quit the force. Firefighter EMT Ryan Owen was among the first inside the building when crews came face to face with the reptile arsonist. Stretch the line, go up the stairs, and then that's when we were met with smoke and then the snake. The fire marshal's office said the python escaped its cage and knocked over a heat lamp sparking the fire. It really did start the fire. Well, it depends on who you ask. Oh. Yeah, we'll get to that.

The department joke, they don't. suspect the incendiary incident was anything other than an accident. The snake contributed to starting the fire, however, I don't think there was any maliciousness involved on the snake's sight. Firefighters managed to wrangle... He wants to be cute about it, that guy. Yeah, yeah. Well, don't blame him for the accident one. That was me. Fire, blame me. Firefighters managed to wrangle the slithering hell tube and get it safely back into its cage, but the rescue came too late for one classroom pet. A tortoise didn't survive the fire. No.

And eight classrooms were left with fire, water, and smoke damage. Even worse for students, the district said the building will be ready to welcome them back for the first day of class tomorrow. Oh, bummer. They're going to dissect this snake now or something? No, there's some controversy here. While the fire may be out, there's still some serious heat surrounding what caused it. A Virginia teacher and firefighters disagree over whether the python was actually responsible for starting the school. house fire. Oh, yeah. The teacher in charge of the snake has come out swinging in its defense,

arguing the python wasn't the arsonist at all. It was a victim, trying desperately to escape a fire it didn't start. She says the evidence points to the python, being trapped inside its enclosure when the fire began rather than causing it. The heat lamp had been securely clamped in place for years, she said, and security footage reportedly showed the fire burning for about 20 minutes before the snake escaped. The enclosure was also warped by the heat with its locks bent from the inside, suggesting the python fought its way out, she said.

Sounds a friggin mystery. According to the teacher, the snake didn't start the fire. It was just trying to survive it. You believe her. Oh, 100% I believe her. That passion, you can tell. She has passion about this. She does that passion.

I have no idea which way it went. I mean, I guess I would lean towards the fire department's assessment, but maybe they made a mistake. Hell, we may never know. We may never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever know. A popular swimming spot in Maryland has gone quiet after two rabid beavers attacked visitors within weeks of each other. Wait, wait, hold on. I have to ask very quickly, are the people okay.

The people are okay. Okay, then that is hilarious. They were until they died. Oh, no, no. Where was this again? Maryland. Oh, yeah. I remember a couple weeks ago we were talking about,

angry beavers in New York and New Jersey. Is there any chance they just kind of swam down to Maryland and now they're starting trouble over there? It is possible, but it's gotten bad enough that they've shut down parts of some parks. The trouble started at Cunningham Falls State Park in Frederick County, July 26, when a beaver bit a person who was swimming in the lake,

so a wet beaver. Testing confirmed it had rabies. Oh, no. Then leave it to beavers to become a real eddy hassle. On August 5th, It happened again. F you. A 19-year-old fisherman was bitten on the ankle by another beaver while he was fishing there. I know it's right there, but I refuse to make a fishy beaver reference. That beaver, too, tested positive for rabies.

Two beaver attacks in less than two weeks was enough for wildlife officials to say, damn, we got to do something. So Maryland's Department of Natural Resources combed the area to further signs of beaver activity. They noted that while the little furry bastards normally steer clear of humans, rabies attacks, brain and can strip away that instinctive fear. Rabies attacks the brain. Left untreated, rabies is fatal. So experts say if you're ever bitten or scratched by a wild animal, there is a right way to handle it, and it starts with getting the hell away from the beaver. Then scrub the wound with soap and water for 10 to 15 minutes, get medical care right away. Don't attempt to catch or corner the animal yourself. Call animal control or local health

officials, they said. They don't want you getting bit again. Even while, Beaver snatch up headlines in Maryland. Beavers aren't the whole story. According to the World Health Organization, globally, up to 99% of human rabies cases are actually the result of being bitten by infected dogs. Damn, dogs. I thought bats would be the number one answer.

Yep, me too. I never thought dogs. I mentioned beavers normally steer clear of humans because they fear us. Apparently, rabid beaver is one fear humans have to learn the hard way. Humans are born with only two natural fears. We come with them. Falling and loud sounds. All other fears and phobias are learned or acquired later in life.

That's a... I don't like falling. Nope. Not one bit. Didn't know we were born with fears. That's something right there, Josh. I don't know how to define it, but it's something. It is something.

I guess the falling thing makes sense because like when we're tiny little babies, we have, oh, I'm completely forgetting what the reflex is called. but you, like, babies will, like, they think they're falling, so they'll, like, quickly, like, jerk because I don't, even if they're, like, lay in there. Yeah, it's like the startle reflex. Is it when you accidentally drop them? No. Yeah. A good day Detroit broadcast derailed Thursday when a Fox 2 co-anchor named Ryan Armani came dangerously close to dying on live TV.

I don't like to hear that. with the medical examiner listing laughter as the cause of death. The guy laughed himself near dead? Nearly. The trouble started innocently enough. His co-host brought up the History Channel survival series alone, where contestants have to hunt and catch their own food to stay alive in the wild. Then without warning, the conversation took an accidental turn into innuendo territory, and the co-host seemed completely oblivious to what she just said.

Hermani, on the other hand, was not so lucky. He fought to keep a straight, face as the moment played out, but the unintentional double meaning proved to be too much. If you can provide yourself with food, you're looking for fat and the beaver. Yeah. The beaver is the most sought after. It is. The.

Ryan, would you, do you think you could eat beaver? It's fat and then it's meat. Oh, God. What about a moose? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know anything about this show, dear. Hermani later posted the clip online, letting viewers witness the near breakdown for themselves.

His co-host, for her part, seemed unbothered, and she had no idea what was going on. She later wrote on Facebook, that watching alone means, quote, you learn stuff, and she also learned something during that broadcast. How would she never heard that before? I guess it depends on how you're raised. I guess so.

And so you were joking or the dude really had some kind of a medical? No, I was joking. He just almost laughed at death. He was having so much trouble trying to keep his composure there. Yeah, you could probably bust something deep down inside. When you're trying to hold that back? Yeah, I guess she... Because she just kept on going.

She just didn't know. She didn't know. Some people don't know. Yeah, I think she got kind of nervous. Like, what am I doing wrong and just kept going with it? Just so you know, it's illegal to wake up a polar bear with a fog horn and dangerous to try with a shoehorn. One person aboard a vessel sailing near Norway learned that lesson the expensive way to the tune of about $5,000. The person was fine for using a foghorn to wake up a sleeping polar bear earlier this month, roughly 620 miles from the North Pole, basically Santa's neighborhood there.

According to the local governor, folks on board spotted the bear chilling, literally on land. And instead of leaving alone like a normal human, someone leaned on the horn, likely causing the animal to poop an iceberg. Turns out there's some pretty serious clauses about disturbing the neighbors in Santa's territory. Local regulations strictly prohibit needlessly disturbing, attracting, or pursuing polar bears, which have been a protected species since 1972. No kidding. The 260 polar bears have been counted in the area since the last scientific estimate carried out in 2015.

So what? They posted a video of this and everyone found out and now the guy's in trouble? Yeah. If you see a sleeping polar bear, you have to admire it from a distance. You can't wake it up with a foghorn. What's wrong with you? Why would you do that? I'd be tempted to do it. So what? You're waking up an animal. I wouldn't think I'd get in trouble with the law for that. Can't bother them. That's the rule.

Switching climates, but staying on the theme of regional rules for keeping it down. In Hawaii, it's illegal to laugh loudly. I didn't have that problem when I was in Hawaii, so I thought it was all right. It's against the law. You have to keep it to Aloha. Jake Peralta on Brooklyn 9-9. Andy Samberg is 48 today. Caitlin Olson from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

High potential hacks in the Mick turns 51. There's a new season premiere of Always Sunny today. Why, yesterday, wasn't it? Oh, it was yesterday? Or is it today? Maybe I had the day wrong. We talked about it yesterday. I'm sorry, I wasn't here.

That's okay. I got excited. No, no, it's cool. I love the show. It's cool. Edward Norton 57, Christian Slater, also 57. Dennis Leary. Christian Slater.

You don't like Christian Slater? No, no, no. I was picturing. I like Christians. Pictured him from back in the day, and he was good. He was good. Definitely. I haven't seen him in years.

Happy birthday to my cousin Ian, St. Paul's least finest. Happy 41st to Big Dano from Mountain Mayhem Jesus, who said he wanted to give his quote, old ass, a birthday shout out. You know, Christian Slater played Arkansas Dave Rudebaugh in the second Young Guns documentary. That's a great movie. I just watched... It's not as good as the first one, but it's all right.

No, still good, though. So, still good. Bar Saw Jesus sent a happy fourth anniversary to his gorgeous wife, teaches kids about Jesus Jesus. And happy first birthday to Walker from Daddy Dusko Jesus and Mama Smoke Show, Jesus. That's 93X News. Randy Shaver.

a half-assed morning show. People of Minnesota, I don't even think they care about baseball that much. You know, playing there for two years. I thought it was mediocre and best. When I was in Minnesota, it just didn't seem like they had a culture to win or care to win. I can say this with full confidence and full conviction. Nobody cares what Josh Donaldson has to say about the Minnesota Twins. Nope, absolutely not.

Good ball player, total J. Brone. Good morning, Randy Schaeber. I would say when he was with him. us he wasn't really even a good ball play not really no you kind of mediocre at best we'll use his words he was he was way he was heading down the other side hey uh we got see willie miles in studio too good morning willie what's the happening hey i was hoping it must be it must be raining outside you can't play golf that's why he's oh no he's leaving right after this brrah i'm already dressed for golf randy i'm going straight from here that's uh grant coleman's tournaments today

Greg Coleman up at Bunker Hills. Bruh, he says. Right. He's golfing. It's going to be wet. You think so? I think so. Who you think you are, Belinda Jensen?

Didn't you do the sports? Why are you out here throwing shade on a nice day? Yeah, what are you some kind of a meteorologist? All right glist over here? All of a sudden, I'm going golfing. He's going to be wet. I was hoping you two gentlemen could help us in continuing a conversation

we had earlier now C. Willie Miles was telling some stories off there Randy Schaver I don't know your story. Have you ever Randy Schaver ever been involved in a homeowners association? What do you mean by that? You lived in a neighborhood, you lived in a townhouse Yes, I do right now.

Where a homeowners... Has an HOA, you mean? Yes. Yes, of course. Any horror stories? Because we brought up a homeowners association-related story of some woman who's being fined over and over again by her homeowners' association for something silly. Text messages exploded. People have had overwhelmingly negative experiences.

Josh told a couple of stories about a homeowners association he was living with for a few years where I couldn't even believe what he was saying. In one case, Josh said, you could not keep your, you could not use your garage door for any other purpose other than opening and closing the sunbitch for a vehicle to come in and out. You could not have it open at any time to fix a car. You couldn't have people in the garage to drink beer. That was one. What was the other one? Oh, you couldn't put a flag out even on flag day.

Nope. You couldn't leave your, you couldn't park a car in your driveway. See, Willie Miles, you were saying you had mostly positive experiences with or what we, yeah. Yeah. Well, I live in a civilized... A. A civilized community. Yes.

Well, because, you know, the one thing is I live in sort of a semi-retired community. Yeah. Like Randy Shaver. Right. And the thing is, is that we do we have a couple of nut cases that live? Yeah, absolutely. Because I think every H-O-A has them. But if you, you know, there's not a whole lot that you can do that's really crazy.

But they don't have a whole lot of rules. Like there are people who leave their car parked in the driveway. We do not. You know. So I don't cause any problem. I go to the meetings and just, you know. You do? Oh, I go to the meetings and just mean stare at them.

Just so in case I do something out of line, don't nobody say nothing to me. You eyeball them. You try to intimidate them? Absolutely. Now, again, we should mention that we got a lot of texts saying, we got a lot of texts saying, wow, my homeowners association sucks, or I used to live in a place where it totally sucked. you weren't allowed to do anything. A few people also texted in and said,

hey, it's not always the HOA. That's the problem. It's the citizens who start trouble. So just to be fair. Right. But so, Randy, you've never had any problems personally. I've only had an email come to me when I left up Christmas lights too long. They didn't send you a direct fine.

They sent you a letter. They sent an email, but it was the last couple of years, when we were in Florida, so we couldn't get to it until we got back. Did they threaten a fine? No, they just said, hey, just a reminder, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, that's what we have that too, because we do have people, too, that go a little bit far in terms of how long they leave there. And when they put them up.

Okay, buddy, you can put them up, but you can't be flashing them on in October. Okay. It's all very interesting to me, and it sounds like a massive pain in the ass to me. It can be. It's kind of common sense stuff, too. Well, what Josh was telling us didn't sound like common sense to me. You can't use your garage stuff. No, Josh's stuff does not.

The garbage can't thing. I don't think we brought that up this time. But yeah, you could only have to put it out very shortly before they grab it and immediately I don't live there anymore, but I mean, the rules were outrageous. That's insane. And that was impossible for you and everyone else in the neighborhood because you had a job. Anybody who had a job, it was really tough. So anyway, I was going to say I only had one HOA in a building I lived in a number of years ago.

And I didn't participate, didn't want anything to do with it. But I would love it because they would have meetings on the rooftop, a little deck that we had. And my balcony was right above it. So I would sit on that balcony and drink a beer and watch them squabble over what type of flowers they should get for the deck or what colors they should get. And they would sit out there for hours arguing about stuff that just did not matter. and I found it hilarious. You would just eavesdrop on this situation. There's just people watching it as fine.

It's just these people just losing their minds over, you know, how big of a sign should be in the lobby and this and that. People are saying some of it too is the city. And that is for sure. We had a shed built and the city told me it has to be the exact same exterior and color your house and the same pitch of your roof. So I'd ask like, how do I figure out? What do you use?

Like some sort of like a protractor? How do I figure that out? radio. I know what they're talking about. Excited like an antenna dung, Jesus said, got a nasty gram saying they couldn't have a bag of charcoal next to their grill. Some of it is just pure insanity to me. Who the hell is in charge of this?

Well, that's not a rule. If it's not in the bylaws, then it's not a rule. That's just somebody. Okay. And that's the part, I think, with HOA's. It's like, sometimes it's not the rule. It's the people on the board that try to make it their business to make sure. sure that your house look like their house.

And there's people who run HOAs that say, hey, just so you know, like, we kind of get stuck having to be the ones to let you know, but we don't come up with the rules, you know, don't blame us. Now, at the ass end of our conversation about homeowners associations, someone texted in and said, you know, some of this HOA crap reminds them of youth sports boards. Did anyone text? Did anyone elaborate on that, Josh? There's a few.

I'm trying to get to them now because they're kind of long some of these texts here. I think I know what they mean by that. And earlier I said, is it kind of like it's always been for decades where like the rich kid makes the A team maybe when he shouldn't and the poor kid is on the B team? That was my experience growing up. There was a lot of favoritism to the kids whose folks had money. There were a lot of kids who made the A team who shouldn't have, but their dad was a big shot or their mother was a big shot. So, I mean, I'm trying to come up with other examples. I can't.

But maybe folks can text in about their experiences with youth sports boards and maybe how unfair that can be. Well, I got a good example. Go ahead. I have a story from when I was a kid, too. When I played basketball in the traveling program, you know, growing up, the varsity coaches at the high school had eyes on us at all times. And so if you didn't play growing up through the traveling program,

you had no chance of making any team once you got to high school. So I had a buddy who grew up single mom. You know, she did a great job raising him, but she didn't know about getting him involved in traveling programs. So he just played at the YMCA. And he's one of the best natural athletes, one of the best hoopsers I ever played with. He gets to freshman year, and it was basically a formality.

The first day of tryouts, they get done with the tryouts, and they cut anybody who wasn't part of the teams growing up sixth, seventh, eighth grade. They believed in keeping these kids together from the word go. And if you weren't one of those kids, no chance. They just shut the door on it. No, they didn't even look at it. It was basically just a formality.

Then the second day of trial was just the kids whose parents have put them in the program growing up. People are saying they can be very clicky and they judge who's volunteering and what they're volunteering for, that kind of stuff. Well, I have a story from when my brother and I were peewees, youth sports board related. So this was just so ridiculous. But when my brother and I were peewees, there were a few parents. in my hometown who complained that my brother and I were too rough. We were too physical. We were nasty and mean and too physical, and we were dangerous.

And, of course, my brother and I were kept in the dark on this for some time. But one of my best friends' dads, who was involved in the local hockey board, he had to tell us. He was our coach at the time. So it ended up, my brother and I taking the ice, We're six-grade kids. My brother and I, on the ice, the entire hockey board showed up to watch us play in order to determine whether or not we were going to be kicked out of the league. Wow. Now, I remember when I was made aware of this, of course, being a sixth-grade kid, my brother and I thought, this is the coolest thing that has ever happened.

You know, we felt very dangerous and very rebellious for this. but I remember being at a game, the entire hockey board is up in the bleachers with, what do you call these things, Josh, clipboards, thank you. Thank you, Randy couldn't even see what he was motioning. The motion made it worse. It was raised up in here. That was more confusing. They're judging us.

And what I remember about that day is my buddy's dad, our coach, before the game, he ran up into the stands and he completely berated all. of them. These are sixth grade kids. Give him an effing break. You people are freaking rid. So, and he's passed away now. I love that guy. But I've always, I thought highly of him anyway. But the fact that he ran up there and defended us and said, are you guys effing nuts? These are 12 year olds, for Christ's sake. And you're up here with your clipboards. Going to determine whether or not they're allowed to play. So that was the one story that I can tell on this subject. Going back to the HOA from traveling Jesus, he got a fine for

draping a towel to dry over his deck railing because it looked improper. He got a letter on it. He also had to pay the processing fee for them mailing the letter. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Yeah, some of them could be a lot. They couldn't just drop the letter off in the mailbox. Well, no, here's the only thing that I think I just sent in a drawing for, I'm putting

up a, I want to put up a pergol. On my back because. A what? Pergol. Pergill? Pergola. Pergola? Pergola.

You know if you saw it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a roof. A gazebo. You want to put up a gazebo? A gazebo without the sides. Yes.

Yeah. Okay. So you have to get permission. I'm 100% sure they're going to approve it because, you know, I send them a rendering of the drawing and who was going to do the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the deal and everything because I had an umbrella back there but we live in a kind of a wind vortex so our house face um or patio faces a lot of terminology here I'm not familiar with but we get and our patio gets 75% sunlight for the 75% of the day the sun is beaming on my so you can't be back there after 6 o'clock in the morning right so we have a screen in porch as well but in the wind every time I let up

my umbrella, the wind would just take it, you know? So you could never have it up. So you couldn't be back there. So we got rid of the umbrella. And so I sent them all this information. And the former president of our board, I asked him first before I did it. And he goes, Willie, just write it up. He said, there's no way they want to prove this.

He said, they know where you live. And they know who you are. I'm going to ring the bell because that's the first ever pergola story that's ever been told on this radio show. You want to hear a pergola story? Josh? This is your place. You talk to see Willie Miles. I'm listening on the podcast.

It'll be on there. Yeah. People are texting in about, yeah, the youth hockey, pardon me, youth sports boards and how they played favorites and whatnot. I mean, it's everywhere as it's all the time. It's been going on for decades. It'll never stop. Here's a guy who says he played baseball with a kid who sucked,

but he always made the A team because his mother was a total missile and the coaches wanted to look at her 35 times. All right. You found the loophole. Even Perry Trashling and Jesus said he had new windows put in. He got a $2,000 fine because they weren't approved beforehand. Wow. I said a window put in.

I didn't realize he had to go through that whole rigmarole. Because I've lived in an apartment since I was basically moved out of my parents' house until just a couple of years ago. So I had no idea these types of things exist that you need to get new windows approved by the city. I know we're toggling back and forth here between HOA stories and youth sports stories, but here's problem solver Jesus who said our high school baseball coach was also a football coach. So unfortunately that meant if you were a football player, you got playing time on the baseball team, whether you were the better player or not. Well, that's funny. It makes you think of the story I've told before.

My dad was the freshman baseball coach at Eastview at the school I went to. Wow. And I quit baseball in second grade. I was bored with it. I wanted to play other sports. But my dad was a coach. And during football season, the coaches encouraged us. to play other sports, you know, when it's not football season.

Get involved, play something. So I go to my dad, I'm like, hey, dad, this is perfect. I'm going to try out for the baseball team. And he goes, ah, no, don't do that. I'm like, why? He goes, you're a good enough athlete that you should technically be on the team, but then you'd be taking a spot away from a kid who's played 500 baseball games since you last played.

So just don't put me in that position. Do either have to cut my kid or put them on the team and then get the looks from the parents that are like, Oh, you showing favorites? He straight up told me not. He goes, just go run track, man. Get out of you. One more text message on homeowners associations.

I wish I would have had this in the moment, but I did not. Hopefully it still works. So Josh had a story in his news report about some whack bag who was sailing across the world or something. And he spotted a polar bear asleep on land somewhere. So up in the North Pole, guys on a sailboat, total. crackpot. Anyway, he's sailing and he sees a polar bear asleep on land and he

rang his foghorn to startle the polar bear. And apparently this is against the law. You can't do that and the guy was, someone texted and said, great. Now there's going to be a Homeowners Association rule for airhorns and polar bears. There already is. Now that they brought it up.

All right. I guess the moral of the story is whether you're a homeowner or a young kid playing sports, life ain't always fair. Right. Sucks. They will bone you.

And some kid, just because his dad runs a big company, is going to make the team over you. All right. True story. True story. All right. Well, the twins won game one of their home series

with the Atlanta Braves, but Boles Mahoney was that a boring baseball game last night. I'm probably the only swinging D that watched. No, I watched too. Were you having trouble with that one? Randy, holy balls at that one poke a little bit. Struggle. I mean, the first inning was great.

You know, the twins scored four in the first and put themselves in a great position. I thought that Bailey Ober at times struggled last night. Obviously, didn't even get to five innings. Got to give the twins bullpen a lot of credit. They did a great job managing things, and Gomez finished things off last night. I was looking at the standings this morning.

It is absolutely, I can't remember a situation where seven teams are vying for one spot, and they're all within two games of each other. Maybe it's never happened afore. I just cannot remember. And obviously the reason why, and we've said this many times, is because it's so mediocre. They're all under 500. So that's why it's so gummed up the way it is.

But that's a lot of teams to have to navigate and scoreboard watch. She's going to be a mess. It's going to be a mess. And if the twins can just win series, that's going to probably be good enough for them. Of all the teams in the American League, the twins have scored more runs than all of them. Even in the wild card chase, I should say. Sure. But they've given up almost as many runs as all of them, too.

So they got to find a way to hang in there. They've got a chance, but it's great. They're half game back of three teams right now, which is just bizarre. Credit to the bullpen last night. It wasn't pretty, and I was bored off my ass, but the boys got the win. They got the win. Josh's long-lost brother Jesus went to the game last night. He said the dude next to him was tripping ball.

He started talking about dragons. He was right next to me, but we were at two very different baseball games. That must have more fun than the game itself, obviously. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen anybody on a drug at a sporting event, certainly. Maybe not at a baseball game. In 1988, I went to go see David Lee Roth in concert, Josh, during his skyscraper tour. Awesome. You probably weren't even there.

No. Steve Vai on guitar on a man. Steve Vai was on guitar. We sat next to a guy who was tripping balls. It was intense. He was intense. I thought I was having a good time. Yeah.

Sometimes you get those tickets too late when you're already high. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm already high. And you go to the game anyway. He maybe never considered seeing Roth on that tour until he got high. No. Went to see David Lee Roth because I got high. I sat next to some 10th craters and I was high.

Steve I was on guitar and I know why. Because I was hot. What was his name again? Big Balls or something? Afro-man. I thought it was big balls. By the way, remember our conversation about rain and rain delays a few days ago? Mm-hmm.

Last night's start time was delayed 51 minutes and it never rained. Wow. It's just silly to me. Yeah. But that's how they operate over. It was the threat of rain. Right. Good Lord.

Tonight, Zebby Matthews going to pitch for the twins against a kid named he's not a kid Argola what was the product again John C Willie Raghala the thing you put up in your house Pergola Pergola Tyler Mali Is that the kid who pitched here for a while He was here for life

They traded him They traded him for Spencer Steer And of course Spencer Steer Spencer with the Reds Oh yeah Oh yeah And Spencer Steer's been playing every day

For Cincinnati Ever since then And Tyler Malley Malley was here for like a cup of coffee. Yeah, he wasn't here long. Austin Martin headed for the injured list now. That's what I read. The Arizona Diamondbacks, All-Star Second Basement,

Keitel Marte. Dude has gone AWOL for the second time in the last couple of baseball seasons. He never showed up for Arizona's game against the Boston Red Sox last night. Wow. Was it a home game? No, no.

On the road. Oh, oh. Even the manager, a cat by the name of Tori Lavello, doesn't know what the F is going on. He said, all I know is that he's dealing with a personal issue. That's as much as I know right now. Okay. Levello said he spoke to Marte yesterday, didn't get any answers.

Marte traveled with the team to Boston. Nobody knows if he's still there or what? Who is this guy? Dennis Rodman? Wow. By the way, this is cute. The skipper, Lavello, ended up saying last night, when the media was bugging him, about this. He ended up saying, I need a drink and a good night's sleep, and then we'll try to

figure this out. Tomorrow problem. You seem a little emotional. Are you worried? No, not really. I just love him and I care for him. It would be okay. What would the struggle for your pictures tonight? He is fine. He is fine. He is fine. He is fine. I want you guys to know that. I just care for him on that level. So does everybody in that room. Yeah. He sounds so sad. He was tearing up. Right.

So this wasn't the first time that Marte has had a weird disappearance last season. His home in Arizona was broken into, and he missed three games. He was worried about his house, I guess. So it's just kind of an odd character. By the way, this Marte story has introduced, is how you say it. It has introduced me to a brand new style of sports injury. Let's see what you guys make of this. This is just a side note on the story.

Diamondback's third baseman Nolan Aeronado wasn't able to play last night's game either against the Boston Red Sox because of what the team called trunk discomfort. I'm sorry. Do you have to have a lot of junk in the trunk in order to suffer from trunk? I've never heard that one before.

Anybody else? No. Trunk discomfort. It's kind of like when we first heard about bilateral leg weakness. Wow. This one's less silly. Those were the days. Joe Maurer, wasn't he the guy who had bilateral?

Like this one you can figure out. That other one still, that vexes me. Josh, point to your trunk. I'm not, okay, that's your trunk. I thought that was a torso. Yeah, that's what they're referring to your trunk. Like an ache in your torso. Oh, when they say trunk for female, that's the butt.

I thought a lot of junk in your trunk. Josh, I thought you were going to point at your crotch when I asked you to point at your trunk. Right. That's why I would have. Trunk discomfort. Randy Shabbard likes this. This is the kind of thing that makes Randy feel naughty. Oh boy, here we go.

This could go anywhere. Yeah, it really could. Last night, Chicago Cubs center fielder Pete Crow Armstrong hit two dongs. Yes. Lead off, led the game off with a rod, and then a walk off. Yes. And the Cubs beat the White Sox in their little. Cross Town Series.

They won in 10 innings. So Crow Armstrong is the first player since 20 and 10 to hit a lead-off homer and a walk-off yard sale in the same game. He's the first cub to ever do it. Ernie Banks never did it. Ryan Sandberg never. Leon Durham. Santo.

Santo, Grace, Sosa, none of them ever did it. That's kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of cool. When somebody does something that's never been done in baseball, you have to kind of go wow, because baseball's been around so long. Especially a team as old as the Cubs. Yeah, you would think that everything that could ever happen has happened at least once in a game.

Even those. Not even, well, not trunk discomfort. Trunk discomfort. That's never happened. We've got a couple of them. It's also a first. I've never heard of Trump. Even those smart ass punks from that fluky world series, the Cubs won.

a few years ago? None of the... What was that kid? Rizzo, he never did it. What was the third baseman's name? He was like 6'6. He big tall third baseman. What was his name?

They call him Joey. What the hell was his name? That big friggin third baseman they had on that fluky World Series team from a few years ago. There you go. There's your question of the day. What the hell was his name? You might want to look this one up. New York match right fielder Carson Benji.

Benji. Anyway, he threw out two San Diego. I'll get there. He threw out two San Diego Padres at the plate on consecutive plays last night. Yeah. Maybe you want to look that one up, too. Chris Bryant was the third baseman.

Thank you. All-knowing brother and sisterhood. Now in Colorado. Is he? More history being made here. Yeah. In Major League Baseball. That young guys had a good season.

Who? Armstrong. Carson Bengi. Oh, Carson Bengi. Yep. It's first I've heard of him. Yep. A big league catcher by the name of Jake Rogers has broken a 122-year-old record. He has played for four different major league teams in just 21 days.

My God. He's got a lot of jerseys in his garage. His garage or man cave or whatever is going to be ridiculous. Wow. He ain't done you. That's the early season. No, he's, how long has he been in the business? Five, six years?

He's got a ways to go. Yeah. Yeah. My God. So according to baseball reference.com and that whole mess, so he's suited up for the tigers, the Orioles, the Red Sox, and now the White Sox during that stretch of time. 21 days, four teams in three weeks.

The previous record had stood for 122 years. In 19-ought-4, a fella called Frank Hewelsman. Oh, yeah, Frank. He played for four Major League Baseball teams over a 42-day special. This kid obliterated the old record. My God, man, you just get there and you don't even like get to change clothes. Yeah, you have time done. Right.

Most time you say you have a cup of coffee, man, I'm just drinking, no. I've just drank something cold so I can finish it. He's seen a lot of different guys naked over the last 21 days, hasn't it? Right. Yeah, that was my teammate. Wait a minute. I thought you played. Yeah, I was there for a week.

Yeah. It's like his 300 teammates. Now, maybe one of you hockey junkies can help me out with this. Matt Cullen, of course, Minnesota Boy. Does he work for the pigs now? Is he working for the pigs? He works for the Gulf. U of M, that's it.

Yeah. Works for the U of M now. Right. He's like their personnel person. Personnel person. Well, he's like their coordinator of personnel or something. I thought Matt Cullen had a year, had a season where he played for like four different clubs or something silly like that because everyone needs that veteran forward, right?

Maybe one of you hockey junkies can straighten me out. Okay, one more more than one more baseball story here for you. I thought you guys would find this cute. So the Toronto Blue Jays wrapping up their season, kind of hovering around in the middle of nowhere, but they're still finding a way to have some laughs. Well, they're in the middle of that wild card chase. Oh, are they?

Oh, I thought they were worse off than that. No, they're tied with the tour. Like I said, I mean, Seattle's 7. games under and they're two games bad. So they're not out of a mix. Yeah, everybody's in that mix. Okay. They had a fun day the other day. They had a unique way of determining their fantasy football league draft order. Was it the twins last year who they all went into the upper deck at target field and they chipped golf balls at a target that was down on the field and whoever got Whoever was closest got the number one pick.

Yep. I think that's right. That was awesome. I remember seeing video of that. They're having some laughs up there. Golf blows, but that's fun right there. So the Blue Jays did this in order to determine their fantasy football league draft order. Every player drew a name of a member of the team's support staff.

So everyone from the pitching coach to the guy who washes the jocks, right? Yep. They drew a name of a member of the team's support staff. then they had those guys throw a pitch. The player whose staff member threw the hardest pitch got the first pick in the draft. Wow. So at that point, you want like the 18-year-old ballboy or something rather than the guy's been taking tickets for 70 years. Well, yeah, sure, but you want a guy who's on the active coaching staff because that's who turned out to be the winner.

Gotcha, yeah, that makes so. It almost seems like it's cheating, doesn't it? A little bit. It was a pitching coach that won. That seems like they should have been exempted. They should have eliminated maybe the guys in the dug. Yeah. So yes, their manager, John Schneider, sat behind the plate. He's got his radar gun, and all these staff members through pitches, one representing every player. And it was assistant

pitching coach Sam Green, who won the contest. This dickbag can still hit 90. Right. He's a former pitcher. Right. For crying out. They should have left him on. Major League. And the lucky prick who selected him was a third baseman Kazuma Akamoto. He will get the first pick in the I thought maybe you were going to say they pick a name and then they had to point out who that person is to kind of test to see if they knew who's on the support staff or not or what they exactly do. That would have been good. What their names are. You put them all in the same. You have them all wear the same clothing and you have to determine.

Well, who is that guy? Well, that's Ernie. I think he makes hot dogs up on the third deck. That must be Pete. He's the ball boy. Nick, you used to throw around a theory about why all the basketball players have the Timberwolves knew who Brad Ryder was because he was the one that they picked on.

Yeah, because they tortured him at every turn. Torture is the word you used. They stuffed them in the lockers. They snapped the towels on his ass. Maybe they didn't know his name, but they knew him by sight. They pissed at his corn flakes and then laughed their asses off. That's why they knew Brad. I remember when we had Carl Anthony Towns on the telephone line,

and Carl's like, hello, good morning. We said, hey, we want to say thanks to Brad Ryder for hooking you up with, you know, giving us your information. We want to say hi. Because Brad wasn't on the telephone. We said, hey, we want to say Brad writer hooked us up. And Carl just went, hey, Brad.

Because he knew later that day he was going to give him a snuggy or something like that. Give him a swirly. All right. So one more little cute baseball note. Actress Kristen Bell made a surprise appearance at a Savannah Bananas ball game, and she sang songs from the Frozen movie. What's your connection to the Frozen movie? movie.

She's one of the princesses in that movie. Oh. Yeah, she sang a couple different songs, not just from that. Yeah, she's saying some songs. You're the one thing. Oh. Wait, that's a guy. Now she is.

Crowd loved it. She's a spicy little pickle, isn't she, Covey? Yeah. Oh, yeah, she is. Frozen 3 is coming out. You guys, do you follow? Do you follow that? Oh, my.

I saw the first one. My grandkids will be crazy over that. You're in trouble, aren't you, Randy Shaver? Yes. I got friends that they just cannot stand the sight of the movie Frozen at this point. They've seen it so many times. And they've heard the soundtrack so many times. Oh, that's great.

I haven't seen the second one. All right, so Kristen Bell went out there. She's a good singer. She sang some Frozen songs. She sang this and that. And there you heard him singing the old hit single from Dirty Dancing, which I watched for the first time in my life, a few months ago.

My God, what a disaster that was. Anyway, I've never seen that one. They sang, I've had the time of my life. Who was that again? What was his name? Bill Medley? The guy from the righteous brother?

Yes, yes. Bill Medley and Jennifer Warner or something like? Warren? Warren? It's a great song. Catchy song. Yeah, my wife's got this galfriend. She was at the house a number of months ago.

And they were teasing me about all of the huge movies that I've never watched. Right. One of them was footloose and the other was dirt. This was just two of them. Footloose and dirty dancing. So I said, okay, I'll watch them. What in the hell was wrong with America that those two movies made $5? I don't know. I didn't

see, I haven't seen them either. How footloose made more than $5, I have no idea other than the song, what do you call it in the business? The soundtrack. The soundtrack rule. Because that effing movie is horrible. Oh, it's just good cheesy fall. It's horrible. It's wrong what they did in that

It's not horrible. What they did was wrong. It's just hilarious on how dumb the premises. It's a town that banned dancing. It is so bad. Tough HOA. It was a HOA. Dirty dancing, though, Nick, I had never seen it in its entirety either.

Oh, my God. I knew about the lifting up at the end of the time of my life, but I sat down and watched it about 10 years ago with my acts, and I was amazing how dark that movie is. Oh, is it really? Yeah. Is that the nobody puts baby in a corner? Right. Just stop it.

And the age difference between Patrick Swayze and what's her name? Oh, really? Yeah, I mean. He was a, Patrick Swayze was 56 years old when he made that movie. But he didn't play a 56 year old in the movie. Well, he died young, didn't he? He probably wasn't even 56 when the poor guy died. I don't know.

How old was he? That's terrible that he checked out. He did all right that Patrick's good. Roadhouse. He was 57. Son of a bitch. Roadhouse, yeah. I just thought it.

new row house. Oh, no. You got a lot more Connor McGregor in that than you wanted, right? Way more. Oh, yeah, don't you see his butt cheeks? Yeah, a lot. He did not, he did not need to be in that movie at all. Why was he so naked in that movie? I don't. Because that's Connor McGregor. He probably wrote that in himself.

I was in his car. I'd love to do it if I could be naked. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't argue with him. Boy, did Mike Reno and Ann Wilson knock it out of the park with that song from Footloose, though? What was that one called again? Mike Reno and Anne Wilson. Let's see.

Oh God, they sing so beautifully. Mike Reno, get one of the greatest voices in rock history. From Loverboy, of course. Almost Paradise. Yeah, almost. That's a great one.

Running. Parat. Okay, here it is. Why your team sucks. Oh, yay. We got the Vikings edition. Hello. I love this so much.

It's like a holiday for me. Well, don't. It's a different person, though. I don't, I mean, don't start touching yourself just yet. I mean, I don't know. Because it's not Drew McGarry anymore. Oh, no. That's stupid.

Throw in the trash. Wait, honestly, I'm not excited. Why are we listening to it? I didn't really understand a lot of the jokes. I don't know if you were in the same boat, Nick. I got really confused. I'm going to throw him your way. I don't know if Drew McGarry, okay, a little backtracking here.

Drew McGarry's a local guy who's been writing for this website called Defector for many years. And he's the guy who always writes up these. why your team sucks additions for every NFL franchise as we lead into a freshman football season. So I don't know if he was sick on this day. Someone else wrote up the why your team sucks. And if you're unfamiliar, this gimmick is made to poke fun at everything that's good, bad, or indifferent about every NFL ball club before going into the current season. And of course, we can't resist poking fun at the Minnesota Vikings. They're an easy target. Low-hanging fruit, you might say. So here's how it starts off.

some people are fans of the Minnesota Vikings, but many, many more people are not fans of the Vikings. This defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Your team, the Minnesota Vikings, the winningest team to never win a Super Bowl. Oh, what an honor. Your 20 and 25 record, the most moribund, limp-dict nine and eight in the short history of 17 games seasons.

My God. I didn't think I was going to hear that word on the radio today. Big time ass is how they described the 20 and 25 season. So from there, here are some highlights. Here are some lines from the article that I thought you'd enjoy. Justin Jefferson started all 17 games last year and scored two touchdowns. The 20 and 25 Vikings were a crime against football. My God.

The head coach is Kevin, I believe, Organizations fail young quarterbacks before young quarterbacks fail organizations O'Connell. L.O.L. It's a long name. I believe organizations fail young quarterbacks before young quarterbacks fail organizations. J.J. McCarthy should get that, quote, tattooed on his chest when he signs with the 49ers to rehab his career with an actual quarterback whisperer. O'Connell is a good play caller in an unblinked. smooth groined Ken doll sort of a way. Hey now.

My God. He seems fine as a quarterback, developing offensive-minded head coach, as long as you don't need him to win a playoff game, or develop a young quarterback, or accept any fault for failing to develop a young quarterback. Your savior? At the position this season, Kyler Murrah. It says here, look, if you're broke and don't own a car and someone offers you a 2011 Honda Civic with a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles.

You take it. Cars that car, baby. If they offer you that 2011 Honda Civic with a hundred and twenty-two thousand miles on it for eight hundred hundred bucks, you buy it. That's right. It's an okay car. It's not very big. He's got plenty of truck space, though. A lot of trunk space.

Yeah. It's also roomy enough if you only need to drive one passenger, that passenger being Justin Jefferson. It's a little beat up, but what do you expect? Arizona is hell on cars. And maybe with enough effort and imagination, you could turn that civic into a legit street racer. You just need the right mechanic.

Now, if you've got yourself a car that can get you from point A to point B, point B, of course, being a law. in the wild card round. Now the author shifts back to talking about the totally unproven and injury-prone third-string quarterback J.J. McCarthy. He says nine is locked in. Nine will do anything to win a football game except complete 20 passes. Nine is here to do two things.

Chew bubble gum and poop his pants when the first read is covered. And nine is all out of bubble gum. He mentions Max Brozner. He's not worried about where he sits on the death chart. He's showing up early for practice and he's the last one to leave. I swear, if this try hard falls into the talentless quarterback to offensive coach pipeline, just beat me to death with Fred Smoots Dildo. I just love that he called Max Brosberg a try hard.

The Vikings are pathetic. They're an entire workplace of next-door Karens. They added Jamal Adams, and then his knee went Capului. I'll bet you an Adrian Peterson belt-wipping that the Vikings are already warming up the corpse of a 37-year-old Harrison Smith. That is the Minnesota Vikings edition of this year's White. by your team sucks. That was the highlights at least.

That was a lot that I... Well, yeah, they are mean. I know, but that's the whole goal. Yeah, I know that, but that was a little aggressive. Have you guys ever pictured Kevin, Kelvin O'Connor as a unblinking smooth groined candle? I am now. I've never realized that he... Frigin try-hards.

That's what they are as a team, aren't they, Josh? They're a bunch of friggin' try-hards. I hope so. I never look at Kevin the same. Yeah. There you friggin' go. By the way, Justin Jefferson, I don't know if anyone cares about this type of thing. I know I don't, but Justin Jefferson has made the NFL top 100 for the sixth straight year where they grade the, you know, who are the top 100 players?

Mm-hmm. Right. Okay. That was he 19th, I think? 19. That was an old song in the 80s. That's cool. He's a great receiver.

He can play a little football. He's got a quarterback. There are quite a few people out there who I've seen online on social that are giving the Vikings a lot of props that Kyler Murray may be the guy that help turn that offense. Here we go. And get Jefferson involved. No, they really think that Murray might be the person to be a person to be a able to do that. Well, sure. We've seen weirder things happen, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right system, perhaps. In the quarterback department, you know, we don't need to... Kevin O'Kendahl. Yep. Kevin O'Kendahl. I like that. Yeah. We've seen... We've seen... We've seen longer shots. We've seen longer shots contribute to the team, so I'm not going to totally throw the Kyler-Mura ID into the trash can just yet. Yeah. Yeah, he could be good or he could force Justin Jefferson to want to make a trade. Yeah, true. Well, he's not going to be here for very much longer. Kevin. What's his name again? You just said. Justin. No, definitely no. He's going to play in Green Bay.

O'Connell will be fired. He'll be coaching in Green Bay. Everyone's going to Green Bay. I'll have you some bitches in Green Bay by the end of the week. It was one of my favorite lines from John McKay, the legendary coach University of Southern California. And then he was the very first coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and they were just piss poor for years and years and years. And he had so many great dry sarcastic.

lines about how poor his football team was. We all know, you know, what was the reporter said, what do you think of the execution of your football team? And he said, I'm in favor of it, right? But there was this old video, you know, just recently we talked about the old NFL films, VHS tapes you'd get from Sports Illustrated. And I had all of them and I loved watching them. But they had a whole video dedicated to John McKay's sense of humor and how terrible the Tampa Bay Bucks were in the late 70s. And there's one video where, you know, John's, McKay wasn't a very big guy. He was a little short little sum bitch, especially when you put him next to professional football players. And he's on the sideline, and he's trying to watch the game.

Hell, he's the head coach. But the players kept kind of rushing up to the sideline to watch. And he's like, can you guys move back? I'm trying to see the effing game. Just move back. And the players kept doing it to him. Play after play. He's trying to see. Players kept cutting in front of his line of sight. And he even asked one of his assistant coaches. He's like, Gary, can you get these peckerheads to move back? I'm trying to watch the. For about the sixth time again, the players cut off his line of sight. He finally turns to the players and he says, I'm telling you right now, if you bastards don't move back,

every one of you peckerheads is going to be in Green Bay by the end of the week. My God. So there you go. Thanks, Randy Shaver. You bet. We'll wrap with you tomorrow. See Willie Miles is sticking around and we'll have some more for you here in a few minutes on the half-ass morning show. Air conditioning, the love of my life.

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Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-L-E-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. I'm your host, Megan Klingeberg. And after interviewing so many dudes during this men's World Cup, I'm so happy to be back with my U.S. women's national team players.

I know the U.S. men's national team has changed how I think about myself, how I think about being an American, how I think about being on a team. It's one year out from that World Cup, and we're going to talk about the brightest prospects in U.S. soccer. You ready? I'm ready. Let's do it. The U.S. Soccer podcast, presented by Henko. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.

F-ass morning show, 93X. C. Willie Miles has joined us today on the old 93X half-ass morning show, and it has been a terrific experience. It most certainly has. All up in her. Yes, you are. Handsome some bitch, aren't you, C. Willie Miles. You know, I like to think so.

Yeah. You know, I've been told it a few times. No arguments here. No. You're not going to make an argument on. I've tried to, you know, play it down, but it's like, you know what? You know, sometimes you just got to lean in. Just live your truth, see, Willie.

Live your truth. I think Andrew Dice Clay said, when you're good and you, how did he say it again? When you're good and you know it, why hide it? That's right. It's right. Well, you just got to be. What is that? Densett Washington said, in this world, so everybody's got to be who they got to be.

That's a great line. And you've got to be handsome. That's right. Got to be all of it. By the way, on a ridiculous side. that doesn't need to go any further than this. The other day, a friend of mine sent me a video of Andrew Dice Clay and Paul Stanley

grocery shopping together in Hollywood. That's all lovely. Weird. Recently? Yeah. I mean, apparently, yeah, they both look very old. So it must be. Anyway. Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley just threw out a first pitch at an Angels game on Saturday. And that video is up on 93x.com.

Really? I would like to see that. I would like to see that. All right. If you don't mind playing along, see Willie Miles. All in. Yeah. Going back to something we cover. earlier. We had this conversation

with our listening audience and they all played along and it was fun. Willie, how would you rate yourself looks wise on a scale of 1 to 10? If it was just me rating myself and not worried about what people would think of the number that I threw out? Yeah, yeah. No

shame, no fear. No judgment. I'm going to go 8.5. Dude. Solid number. A solid 8 and a half. I mean, if you disagree with me, then get your eyes checked. That's all I'm saying. I'd be a 10.

If I had dreads, I'd be a 10. Oh. Man, if you had dreads, let me take a closer look at you. If I had dreads. That would look cool. I'm going to go eight and a half for my age and for the shape that I'm in and the beautiful smile that I have. You do have a pretty smile.

Absolutely. It's funny because when we discussed this earlier with our listeners and they text it in, of course, It's not the easiest thing in the world. Well, maybe for She Willie Miles it is, but for most of it, it's not the easiest thing in the world to come up with a number that you feel represents your looks, your aesthetics. So a lot of people had to elaborate on it.

They said things like, I'm an 8 in Anoka, but in Edina, I'm a 2. Or at 3 o'clock in the morning at a quick trip in Wisconsin, I'm a 10. But in the real world. All those make sense. Yeah. If I'm in Anoka, I'm a 10 for sure. Absolutely. So I mentioned when we had this conversation earlier,

I mentioned that we might be able to bring our significant others into the conversation. Now, I doubt any of us want to critique our significant others looks live on air unless some of us want our genitalia to be torn off of our bodies when we get home today. But here's where we can get them involved. It's another one of those random polls going round and round, and here it is. And by the way, the author of this story does make mention that these hypothetical online money-making opportunities are getting weirder and weirder. What would you do for this amount of money? Would you do this for a thousand? So here it is. A random online survey asked folks, would you drink your significant others bathwater for $1,000?

Yep. I would just do it. If he asked, if he was like, hey. Double dog area. Sure, why not? That wouldn't bother me at all. You wanted some Jeremy broth? Gosh, I mean, like, we do way grosser things to each other.

Yeah, your mouth kiss. Yeah, I'll drink your bathwater, dude. Same energy. Yeah, I would do it for far less than $1,000. I'd do it for like eight wings. Just some wings? Yeah, well, I mean, you get to put in some ranch dressing. Yeah, you need the ranch on the side.

Right. See, Willie would do it for wingy. Would you drink your significant others bath water for $1,000? 81% of people said yes. Surprise is not higher, honestly. Yeah, it's weird. Do you want to know all the rules and regulations? Because people were curious.

Your partner would bathe or shower normally and then lay in a tub of warm water for 20 minutes. Then you'd have to drink one liter of that water to get the cash. Now, they didn't time people on their responses. So it isn't like people were, well, like some of you. It wasn't like everybody immediately said, oh, yeah, can I do it right now? Most people probably paused, thought about it. And then they were like, yeah, $1,000, sure.

Certainly depends on how you feel about your significant other, right? True story. And it also depends a little bit on, and they mentioned right away that your partner would bathe or shower normally and then lay in a tub of warm water for 20 minutes. Now, if they change that around a little bit, I'm considering people who are married to hard, hard, blue-collar workers who get filthy, sweaty, nut butter, I think is the word that comes up now and again, Josh,

from under cheese, all that stuff. If they just sat their dirty, fresh from work carcass into a bathtub soak for 20, and then you drink that, that would maybe change thing for some people? Yeah, I can understand that. Right? Okay. Here are the further rules and regulations. Well, first off, people were slightly more likely to say yes if their partner was female than a male.

Yeah, because we're big, dumb, filthy animals. I could see that. It doesn't surprise me at all. Some of us don't shower for days. A few other clarifications. Someone asked, this is cute. Someone asked if they could put the water in the fridge first. Oh, no.

Put some ice cubes in there. No ice. No ice. No. Whoever wrote up the rules to this asinine conversation. You can't water it down. No. Someone asked if they could put the water in the refrigerator first, and that is allowed.

Kills all germs. Does it? I don't think that's true. A quick. Cool down? Wouldn't that be something? I disagree. Don't they, like, store a test for Ebola and stuff like that in the fridge?

That doesn't kill it. That just kind of keeps it. It keeps it. You can put your significant others bath water in the refrigerator, but you can't add anything to it, not even ice. Someone asked if you could spread it out over a day rather than having to down the whole liter like you're at a chugg contact. This person just doesn't like drink a water. What a way Jesus said he'd drink it just to see her naked. He misses that.

My God. Oh, wow. It is allowed to spread it out over a day. You have eight hours to drink a liter of your significant others bath water. That says lazy. Yeah, just chug it. Someone else asked if this was just a one-time thing or if there was a way to get reoccurring checks for doing it repeatedly.

Sign me up. Looking for a job. We get a thousand dollars every three days. Everybody needs a side gig and that would be easy. He just do work from home. And I like this some bitch who chimed in and said, I am single, but yes, I'll do it. Yeah.

$1,000 in your pocket. Yeah, that's... I don't even have to think about it for longer than a second. And most folks didn't. Like I said, 81% of folks said, yeah, I go ahead and do that. Adam doesn't piss me off anymore, Jesus says, can we please have Ashley expand on what they do that's worse? Yeah, a few people were wondering, what do you mean you do things worse?

He's been sitting around pick up. He's done of your business. I would guess a hell of a lot of oral. But anyway, whoa. You know, it's funny. just recently I think we were talking about Josh how we're lucky around here although this job is not easy

it's not physical and so I mean I have the I have the luxury of you know I almost never wash my clothes what for but anyway despite that you know especially dudes we're going to build up a little funk after a while I'll tell you real quick story not that long ago by God, Josh, I kind of wish you would have been there to see this because it was beautiful. It was magical.

Gave my wife a big old hug the other day. We hugged. Really? Right? It was very nice. Very nice. We held each other for a long time. I forgot what started this problem, but we hugged.

Those are needed. And I thought it was just wonderful. And my wife said this to me, you're going to need to put some deodorant on real quick before we do that again. Wow. Wow. She got me. And I didn't realize. And it gave it a little whiff

And I said, oh, Jesus, yeah, you're right. Yeah, my bad, you're right. So that's why it lasted so long she passed out. You're literally holding her own. She's getting really heavy all of a sudden. Right. With unconscious. She said, yeah. I put on some deodorant.

There you go. People are speculating on what you and your husband do, Ashth. Get out of here. Disgusting. Yeah, I'd stay away from the text messages right now. Get out of here. Based on what people are suggesting to me,

I'm going to nickname you the Rim Reaper. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's what people were guessing. Hell has gotten into you, Josh. No. I just think that like... That wasn't my speculation. I think that regular mouth stuff is probably worse than just drinking bathwater.

That just seems, or not worse, but I just think it seems like more intimate. I think everyone knows what you mean. Right. Yeah, don't be weird, guys. I think everyone agrees with you. That's too late. they're already there. I know.

I mean, honestly, I never considered that until people text in, and I thought, I wonder if that's what she made. You stop that right now. School busing, Kai Jesus, school busing, Kai Jesus said no one wants a piece of his bathwater right now. Oh, wow. He said, I've been sweating buckets the past two days on the friggin school bus. Cleaning him.

He has to clean out the school bus. Oh, that sounds so bad. He cuts a good sweat when he's, uh, cleaning the, yeah, there's some gross stuff coming in. Cup, well, maybe I shouldn't even say it. There's a lady suggesting maybe wait. If you're going to drink her bath water, maybe give it some time. Oh, I know what the hell she's, I know where she's going with that.

She said it in a funny way. And I don't like it. I'm afraid to go that way. Oh, people are texting again saying, okay. Yeah, I'd probably drink that bathwater, but they, they bring up poop particles. Yeah. Well, somebody brought up a good point. I can't remember who it was. It went by too fast. Poop particles, Dana. Those are probably everywhere, anyway.

If you've ever been in a water park or a water of a public pool and dove in and actually swallowed a little water, you're probably drinking somebody else's pee or at least part of it. But there's chlorine and stuff, right? Doesn't that help? Chlorine. I mean, it doesn't make it less gross. To a certain extent, though. I mean, I think about that often.

You're probably absolutely right. Maybe the chlorine helps a little bit. Especially since. PSP. That never... Sorry, go ahead. No, I was just going to say, that never really troubled me, the pool thing. Yeah, me neither.

It used to not bother me until, you know, I had this baby, and you put them in a swim diaper, and you realize the swim diaper is, like, the only thing it really does is just stop things from floating upwards. It doesn't do anything else. So then you look around and you realize that, yeah, everybody's just, everybody's just peeing in the pool. Your neighborhood pool is 80% urine and feces.

Yep. Yep. We lived in, when we lived in California, our pool had that solution in it. What was that? Well, if you pee, it turns blue. Really? Oh, yeah.

It was in the world pools and everything. I always thought that was just a myth. No, no. My French parents had that in their pool. Yeah, they were not joking over there because there was one girl that was visiting some people that was in our pool. And she was just standing right there in the corner and they pointed it out to her. And she swore she wasn't. And we was like, ma'am, that's the only way.

So you immediately called this woman out for your end. I didn't. There was another person that was out there by our pool. That must have been terribly embarrassing. She was standing right there in the corner. They had to shut the pool down. She probably was unaware of this solution. Right. Yeah. And your friend, that's why you tell all your friends, like anybody came to visit us and said, listen, if you're going into the pool or the whirlpool, it's got the blue solution.

I always thought that was just a story. If you got to go, get your butt up, get out of there, and go to the bathroom. Well, that's silly. I'm with Nick. I thought it was scare tactics for kids. No, this is a real thing. I've always said, if you don't want me to take a piss in your pool, then don't invite me over for a swim. Because it's going to happen.

My same friends whose parents had that, well, you know what? I come to think of it, maybe it was a scare tactic. I just believed them that they had the chemical, but they had the sign that said, welcome to our ool. You'll notice there's no pee in it. Let's keep it that way. Yeah, classic. That's da da da da da. This is real.

I've seen it. I've seen it several places. Here's a guy who says he can't take baths because there's not. floats float up to the surface of the water. Whoa. I hear you. You need to go get that checked out. That's not what they're supposed to do.

No, they're supposed to sink down to the scrape the bottom of the... I don't remember the last time I took a bath. Either something's in your sack or you're nuts aren't real. They float, it's embarrassing. He says, they float up to the surface of the water. It's like a helium in there. You got ping pongs in there, son. Yeah.

Pink pong balls. All right. Speaking of relationships, we were talking about whether or not we'd drink our significant and others bathwater and most folks will $1,000 bucks, why not? Speaking of relationships, you know, we big old barrel-chested tank-ass Minnesotans

I hate to end on a negative note, but we here in Minnesota, we do not factor in at all in the rundown of the top 10 states for swinging. But like I said, this is something that we can all easily work on. Maybe even this,

weekend. And before you know it, we could make our mark in that swinging states top 10. Not that we don't know how. We know how. It seems like it'd be relatively easy. Yeah. I mean, you'd obviously need to find like-minded folks, but I get the gist of how it works. Sounds like work. So we just don't, like, there's not a lot of people that do it. I was thinking like maybe it was the people that are swinging aren't that desirable. Maybe we just like sucked out. Oh, you mean? You assumed that maybe this was judging the sexiness of swingers? Yeah.

It's the likelihood of... The quality isn't good here. No, this is just about how many folks sign up for it, state by state. The ease of finding other people that are into it. It was easier when I was in college. Minnesota Strikesman is one of those places that's very like marry your high school sweetheart kind of states. One more time, I'm sorry.

Like one of those like marry your high school sweetheart, stay together forever, have a couple kids kind of states. We're too pure. Maybe just like the Midwest does that reputation. Yep. We're too traditional around here. Yeah, we drink from the waters of Minnetonka. I see what you mean.

Yeah, that's the vibe. We're a little bit of a straighter-laced crowd then compared to others. Well, I wouldn't say this. Well, I don't know. We're not that straight-laced around here. I'm trying to, you know, piggyback on what Ashley's saying. Maybe that is the reason why we don't to swap partners. at the same rate as others do.

A website called Love Honey Work this out. They worked out this top ten. How did they determine the top ten swinging states? Who cares? But in the end, Florida ranked as the best state for swingers. I'm sure we all could have guessed that.

Yep. Reputation. Among other things, Florida has 148 dedicated swinger clubs. They're all at the villages. You know some of these people? That gets the reputation. That's for sure.

They make a lot of news about that. Yeah, they do. Oh, yeah, the villages now. They're busy. Josh brought that up recently. That's a notorious old folks home? Yeah, like retirement community, I believe, and they're known to have a lot of parties and whatnot.

There's a big difference between an old folks home and a retirement community. So, yeah, a notorious retirement community, a lot of folks vie to live there so they can pump their neighbor and watch their wife get destroyed by, you know, They're golf buddies or something like that, right? That's the gist of it all? I believe so. That's awesome. Florida has 148 Swingers clubs.

And I know in the past when we've asked for Swingers to text in, they've responded and they've invited us to parties and whatnot in the past. They've showed up at some of our events. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I got a T-shirt from one of them. Just the last toys for Tata. That's right. Florida has the most active online communities for Swinger. swingers. Florida has the most active online communities for swingers. You know, Josh, we are

at prime swinging age now, you and I. Yeah. I believe middle-aged is right where it's the biggest. Forties and 50s, man. That's when they start kind of loosening up their... They get bored. We be swinging. Yeah, you get bored. People have been married for a while. Your morals loosen up a little bit. You don't care anymore. You just don't care. Start living. Let's go tag in and out of some kind of a swingers party and see what happens. Get busy living or get busy dying. That's exactly right. Florida was number one.

For the record, Love Honey says, swinging is all about consent and mutual pleasure. You need a good community around you for it to feel safe, sexy, and fun. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're an interesting. crowd. Yeah, they are. I just told you guys, like on Mother's Day, I got propositioned. Word?

Like a hotel bar. Yeah, my husband was awesome, and he bought me a room at the St. Paul Hotel for Mother's Day. And so I'm just like hanging out. It was after one of the wild playoff hockey games, and I was hanging out with my mom, so we, you know, we were drinking quite a bit. And I was getting good and tuned up because I knew I didn't have anywhere to go. And just you and your mother? Your husband wasn't there? Nope, n'uh. He was at home with the baby, and my mom took off. She wasn't going to stay the night, and I was just finishing up my drink.

And, yeah, things got really weird. I don't remember, like, clearly exactly how it went down, because, like, I said, I was tuned up, but I remember at one point in the conversation, I was like, wait, because things got weird. Like, I could tell it got, like, like, the vibe changed. And I was like, are you guys swingers? I just, like, straight up ass to them, which I would never do sober. And they're like, yeah, yeah, we are. And then something about like...

You just read that vibe? Yeah. They didn't have any comments earlier that led you to believe... They were trying to woo you perhaps? Yeah, yeah. Because they asked if like me or my... Like, would you or your husband ever be interested in that? And I was like, no, no, absolutely not.

Well, you didn't make it pretty clear with that question. It wasn't a great... I guess a showing if you're like, oh, yeah, I want to swing one day. And then you're like, well, here's an example of what you can swing with. You're not going to be like, woo-hoo. So you're saying they were not an attractive? I don't want to just say it straight out. They were on the listeners.

They maybe should have gotten a couple of other representatives from the Swingers Club too. It happens. It's not a fair trade. I do remember looking around like, is anybody else see what's going on right here? What's going on? What's in my mind? One listener texted in to refer to the Swingers as the Loose Skin Club. Yeah, they're usually older.

At least that's the rumor. You get a little older. And you say, well, what the hell? Let's just give it a show. shot. I can't think of anything worse than finding out if like my parents were swingers or something like that. I can think of like older people, so like their age.

That sounds like the worst nightmare I could ever imagine. I think all of our parents were probably swingers at one point or another. That's none of my business. I was hoping that some of you would reel and disgust with that statement. I heard you say it before. I mean, my dad was a rolling stone. I mean, Temptation wrote a song about him. And we sang it.

together, I think, the last time you were here. Exactly. All right, we got to shut it down. Thank you, Willie Miles. Always good to see you. Always great to be here, man. Happy 30th to David H. A.k.a. Pickle Jesus. Happy 50th to Logan and happy belated 40th to Cassie from Great Northern Builder Jesus.

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