93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Human Santapede

Episode Date: December 16, 2025

Originally Aired December 16, 2025: Entertainer C. Willi Myles in-studio. Absolutely NO SPITTING IN THE PARK! Everything you wanna know about getting "poor" on you. Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93X half-ass morning show. Ninety-three. Oh, yeah. Kiss my ass. We're all loaded up for the Tuesday show.

Yeah, the damn Tuesday show, day two of our special holiday season, F-off week. You want to hear something, Josh, that might give you that little extra push to get you through the day? Yeah, absolutely. I got it for you. It's a text message from a feller that calls himself pooh-poo's and pee-pies Jesus. All right, here's what he sent our way. Poo-Poo's and Pee-P's Jesus.

He says this. 651, 9893, 93, by the way, if you want to get a hold of us on our Bloomington, how do they say at Luther, Bloomington, Kia text line. Poo-Poo's and Pee-Pee's Jesus, text. in, he said, as this holiday season starts really rolling, best wishes, to all you morning show pimps, I don't think you guys know what a difference you make to many of us. Thank you for, thank you for being who you are and keeping us smiling.

By God, isn't that just the nicest thing you've heard all day? Yeah, that does put a pep in my step. Huh? It sure does. Thank you very much for that kind text and love the Jesus name. Couldn't you just run through a brick wall for the guy? I would. Whatever he needs.

Yeah, thanks very much for that, pooh-poo's and Pee-P's Jesus. And say hi to the family. Hello to Mrs. Poo-Pos and Pee-P's. All the little poohs and Pee-Ps that are having the pattering of feet around your home? If there are any little ones, yeah. Local 34 Jesus is ready, too. He's ready to run through a wall. He says, yeah, let's F this day in the A.

Whoa. Just really give it to us. Wow. I took it up a notch. It means a lot to us. And we wish you a wonderful holiday season. Oh, and you know what, Josh? Everybody knows you're a big fan of Christmas music.

You love all that holly, jolly, jibber, jabber. I do. I saw something or another online yesterday, day before, or someone said that D in a box by Justin Timberlake and the other guy from Saturday Night Live. Hell, that song must be 20 years old now. It's got to be. Sure feels that way. Let's see when that came up.

Let's go with 20 years ago. That's my guess. Which is unbelievable to me that that much time has gone by. I just remember I was in college when it came out because that was the popular Halloween costume. You basically just walked into a bar and every dude was dressed as the dean of the box guy. I still see it. It's less than I would have thought 16 years ago. 16.

So, someone online said that D in a box, they declared that song to be their favorite Christmas song. And it's easy to forget. It wasn't until I read that statement. It's easy to forget that the song is a Christmas song. The song lyrics discuss what a guy should get his lady for Christmas, and they settle on the D in a box idea. Did you remember that it was a Christmas song, John? Yeah, so I'm trying to find the exact date. There's a couple different ones.

But anyways, it wasn't it a Saturday Night Live Christmas episode? I believe so, yeah. That Timberlake hosted it. I never considered it to be a Christmas song before. Another source says 2006, so I guess I'm not sure when it came out. But I do remember it was a Christmas episode. Long time ago. long time ago.

I'm willing to admit that many Christmases ago, I put a bow on it. That's fun. Not a D in the box, just a bow on it? I put a bow on it. I could maybe get a twist tie. I can't imagine a bow. I've done like the typical Christmas lingerie. You've done typical Christmas lingerie?

Yeah, where it's like a cute little bra top that has bows where the nipples would be. Now that you mention it, I've seen one of those before. Yeah, that's cute. Yeah, I put a damn bow on it and presented it as a gift to my damned girlfriend. It was disgusting. I'm ashamed of myself. How soon? Was it the post, you know what, clarity that made you think that, or is it some time afterwards?

I think I was ashamed of myself almost. Yeah, I could see myself. But it was a long, long, long time ago. Long, long time ago. I once did that for my wife and she returned it. She asked for a gift receipt. I need a different size. Different size.

Yeah, this is too small. It wasn't as if I planned it, you know, for 10 days leading up to Christmas Day or anything. I think we were both drunk and I was walking past some open to presents and I just applied the bow in the moment. kind of a thing how was it received it was a long time ago we got some laughs out of it no question yeah that's fun for like you know

five seconds or so alright well anyway yeah I didn't you know parade around the room it was just like ha ha joke over let's are you or she like my grandmother were you saved the bow to reuse the next year my grandma used to save wrapping paper

oh really I thought every grandmother saved wrapping paper I don't know if maybe our age and older. My mother, my sister, they all do it. It's a disease. Throw it in the garbage. Bowes, wrapping paper. Yeah, that's crazy to me.

I don't even like to save the bags. People are always like, oh, this is a good bag. I'm going to keep this. Where am I going to put that? I do save Christmas bags. What do you call them? Is that the term? Gift bags?

Gift bags, thank you. I do save gift bags because why not? I can reuse them. I got a little bin I put them in. You know? I'll go along with that. I always forget if I do save them.

I forget I have them. So I've started just throwing them away. Because you just keep buying them anyways? Yeah, exactly. And like for every occasion, I want it to be like the perfect gift bag. So I want it to be like the right color. Can you guys bring in three for me so I have something to deliver your gifts in? Do you mind?

We just bring her on bags to get the gift. That's fine. Yeah, sure. That's fine by me. Yeah, my wife saves them. My grandmother, one of my grandmothers made a hilarious mistake 50 years ago. She was a wrapping paper saver, bow saver type lady, and she would keep them all in a box. She was wrapping a present for a...

a married couple. And so, of course, she's got her backs. Bax isn't a word. Well, it is, but it doesn't apply to this conversation. She has her box of wrapping paper and bows, and she has the box with the wedding gift in it. And she's using the wrapping paper and the bows to wrap the other box. But when it came time to bring the present to the married couple,

she brought the box full of wrapping paper and bows instead of the present. Are you following this? You've got the boxes mixed up. So can you imagine how confused this married couple was when they opened the gift from my grandmother and it was a box full of wrapping paper and boats? Digging through? Like, is it in the bottom? Where is it?

Sometimes I wondered if my grandma just liked opening gifts because a lot of times you'd basically just have to hand it to her so she could open it perfectly. Like she'd grab a razor blade to slice the tape and everything. Fold it up very nice. I don't think she, outside of the first time she ever bought any wrapping paper when it was basically like parchment or something like that, I don't think she ever paid for wrapping paper ever again. The first time she wrapped the present, it was actually, it was pig skin. Yeah, it was some sort of like sheepskin.

It was lizard. Anyway, yeah, my grandmother who made that mistake, that was the same grandmother who ate blood and clam chowder. Ah, I can't wait for that story. I have received a couple of texts saying it's the holiday. season F off week. You've got to tell the story about your grandmother and the bloody clam chowder. Sure, we'll get to it for the end of the week.

I appreciate the fact that you still have an interest in that horror story. That's when I go run errands when that story comes on. That's still, after all these years, told so many times, it's still disgust me to this day. I just thought, I'm going to take my headphones off when this story comes up this year. It's so gross.

By the end of the week, we'll get to that one. And again, I appreciate it. What else is going on Christmas-related around here? Nude. trees. Yeah, this one is dividing the internet a little bit. Is that, is that right?

Nude trees. Is it undecorated? Yes. People are obsessed, Ashley. Come on. You don't know what Michelle Pfeiffer and Victoria Beckham and Chloe Kardashian are doing these days? No, no.

Tell me. You're not following all the influencers that affect some people's daily lives. I'm itching to be cool. You used to be cool. People are obsessed with. seeing Christmas tree nudes online. The naked Christmas tree is the hot thing. So it's basically what it sounds like.

A tree, a friggin' stupid evergreen tree. What do we use? What are those things called? Pine tree, evergreen tree, what are they? Yeah. Do they use spruce? I don't know what they are. Sure.

I think we'll go along with that too. A Christmas tree without any ornaments. No bulbs, no teardy, no tubs. tinsel, sometimes even without lights on it. It's the minimalist thing. This is what's hip, what's hot for this Christmas. Miss out on it, and you will be cast out from the cool crowd. Yeah, it's upset some people, certainly.

Oh, yeah? Disgusted by it. Absolutely disgusted. Legitimate anger and disgust. Well, who knows? It's the Internet, right? Right. So maybe just they're out there rage baiting. But at the same time, it does seem to kind of upset some folks.

I'm not real passionate one way or the other. I mean, I like looking at Christmas lights outside people's houses. I don't know if I've ever seen an ornament on it. I still think it looks pretty. But it's also nice decorated. Just a bare, dry, sad-looking tree in the middle of your living room. But it is kind of weird to me. People are like they're posting those photos.

I mean, I could just go to Home Depot's website and shop for Christmas trees and see it like that too, right? What's the difference? Usually, you just like, hey, look at all this tinsel and these beautiful ornaments I put on here and how I arrange them and stuff like that. That's what people would show up, but this is like a tree ad. I don't really fully understand why somebody would want to see that. Why people are posting their own personal photos of their nude tree? Yeah, it's just a... Well, so they can announce that they're hip, that they're...

Probably that's about it. That they're with... They want to announce that they're with the movement. Look at me. I'm in. Yes, it's been the influencers and the celebrities who started this, Ashley. Michelle Pfeiffer. I can't believe I said that out loud.

I haven't heard that name in a while. Yeah, what is it? 1992. Victoria Beckham, when I said that out loud, it didn't dawn on me. That was one of the spice girls, right? Posh. Posh Spice. Chloe Kardashian, sure.

It's the less is more thing. It's a clean look. There's no clutter. There's no over-stimulation. Oh, God. Turn that Christmas tree down. That's stupid. I'm sweating.

I'm overstimulated. I will say, I think it was last year. My mom put new lights on her Christmas tree, and they were the most insanely bright white lights I've ever seen. Like, you could even turn the tree on. If you did it, you'd get a headache. Turn it off. A couple minutes.

It was so bad. So the whole bit is it's supposed to be elegant, peaceful, streamlined, and stress-free. But others say it looks joyless. Yeah. Others say it's even a little intimidating. Intimidating. Intimidating. You imagine being that easily intimidated?

God dang. Oh, somebody else's tree. That's freaking me out. In a home I will never be invited to. I'm just a common person compared to them. That's great. Oh, sure. A couple people have texted this in.

I forgot about this term. This was a term that I wanted to get involved in, and I failed. So these people who are not decorating their Christmas trees at all, what they're doing, Josh, is their raw-dogging Christmas. Yeah, I guess so. Pee-Pee's Jesus, who sent in a very nice text earlier this morning, said, there are zero things the Kardashians do that are minimalist. That's true. They probably had that tree flown in on their private jet.

They had like three people fluffing the tree to make sure it looks just perfect. You know, like branches all going in the correct ways and whatnot. Blonds are just for practice, Jesus says that a nude Christmas tree is kind of similar to a dry H.J. I know what you mean. It's not lost on me. You'll take it, I guess. Yeah, yeah. It's just not quite the same.

Especially in the younger years, yeah, for sure. You'll take it, sure. Go ahead. Wow. This is interesting. A camouflage Christmas tree? I'd like to see that. Yeah.

Oh, look that up. Have you seen those Whoville Christmas trees? You know, they're all at weird angles. There's not a lot of needles. on them that kind of cute. I saw one post where a guy said me and my son every year we go to the Christmas tree farm and we pick the saddest, most depressing looking tree and he showed a picture of the one they had this year. It was like, almost like lopped off at the top. It was about two and a half feet high. It just looks so sad. Is it like a Charlie Brown bit or that's why they're doing it?

Oh, Nick, that reminds me too of when my first Christmas has a divorce guy. I got one of those little tabletop trees, you know, just very small. And you said that looks like it came into a divorce guy's starter kit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I love that line. Tiny little, I don't know. Is it two feet?

Baby, baby. Maybe not even two feet. Got eight or ten crooked branches, two bulbs. The tree you get your kid for their bedroom? The first time I ever saw that was at my dad's place when my folks got divorced in 1982. Went over to the old man's place and he had to just sitting on his kitchen table, a little sad, stupid little two-foot tree. You said, get this thing out of here.

That's funny because I don't think women do that, or at least I didn't. When every time, or when I was single, I went and got a real tree. There you go. Here's a logger who listens to our program. Tough gig. Oh, I'll bet. Cool, though. Oh, yeah, I bet that can be a lot of fun.

He said, being a logger, I guess I'm looking at nudes all day. Yeah. That's what you do. So anyway, this isn't a new thing. Well, it's new to me, new to us, I think. The nude tree. It's been growing in popularity slowly but surely. Some retailers have noticed, and they're offering nearly nude pre-lit trees with neutral decorations that appeal to people who want a cleaner look.

Never been a fan. Do whatever suits you. Of what? like the, I guess, the trendy looking trees, like neutral colors. No, it's supposed to be like random ornaments, colored lights, green and red bulbs. Actually, I'm a real big hater on blue trees. Oh, yeah? People go with that color scheme.

Blue lights? I don't like it. Or the tree. Yeah. Like, yeah, the lights, the bulbs. I don't like the blue look. I haven't seen that more lately. Is there a reason for that?

Is it to raise awareness for something? don't they? I don't know. Or just because people are liking blue. What about the fake snow frosted, almost white-looking tree? No. Where do you go with that? Don't like them either.

You know, my wife pulled a cute trick this year. I brought the same old tree up from the basement, decorated that pig up and down. And then when it was all said and done, plugged it into the wall. When it was all said and done, she said, you know what, this some bitch is too small. It just looks stupid in the house now because we had the house remodeled.

you know, things are a little more open. And she said, it looks too small. I said, all right, you know, so what do you want to do? She said, let's go get a new tree, a bigger tree. So we went and got a much taller tree. And so now we have two in the house, which is unnecessary, but whatever. But anyway, so we went and got this much bigger tree. And, you know, you guys have been to Target, I'm guessing lately.

That's where we went. We went to Target. and they had this big tall tree with big fat-ass bulbs on them. The bulbs are about the size of your skull, right? And so she just looked at that, took a picture of it, bought all of what she needed for our tree to look exactly like the one they have at every target in the county. And so that's what we have in the house. Nothing wrong with that. It looks beautiful.

It looks great. Copied it top to bottom. She said, look, see that some bitch when we were at Target. That's what I wanted to look like. So that's what we got going. I was very surprised. I went to Nick's house this past weekend. Before the bar gig, we went to for charity.

And the first thing I said was, you got two trees? Like, this seems very unlike Nick to have two trees. Well, once I set that first one up, I wasn't going to take it apart again. And yeah, she told me the same exact story. She's like, that's straight out of Target right there. It looks beautiful, though. I'm sure it does. Go to your neighborhood target and see the big tree.

That's the one. You mentioned the ones with fake snow on them. Have you ever known anyone that had one of those? I can't remember if I ever did see one in anybody's house. I have a buddy who used to have. They had it for one Christmas, and he said they got rid of it. It was just the stuff gets everywhere. It's like a seedy massage parlor, white stuff everywhere you look.

It just apparently like glitter. It goes absolutely everywhere. He said it just sucked, having one of those. Maybe he got a lot of those. Maybe he got a cheap one. Jesus, medical device shipping, Jesus, says his wife just went out and got their fourth Christmas tree. That's awesome.

There's four in the house? I wish I could fit four in my house. You must have a big house. I worked for the gal once who her mom and dad had seven Christmas trees in their house. Did they sell Christmas trees for a living? No, they were very, very rich. The spokesman, Jesus said two trees and not one gift under it for anyone. one at Nick's house. You bet you yesterday you're not giving gifts. We don't exchange gifts with anyone.

That is crazy. I think I don't know what we have under there now. I think a couple of stuffed animals or something just to look. I already have gifts under my tree and it's kind of irking me because my husband wrapped my gift for Christmas, which he should. But it is the worst wrapped gift I've ever seen. Oh, I can show you worse. There's two different kinds of wrapping paper on it. When he was done, he's like, you know, this is the hardest I've ever worked on a rap job. This is, it looks great. It's terrible. So he looked at it and thought like, ah, job well done.

Yep. I've done that before where I've run out of paper and had to use two different types. The thing is he didn't even run out of paper. He just wanted to use the first one he cut was just too short. And then he was like, oh, I'll use this different stuff. Why? I've modified. many different

I'm terrible at rapping presents terrible. Looks like a two-year-old did it. But I just, I've never really practiced and I don't really put much effort into it. I took an online gift wrapping class. Oh my God. I love you. Several years ago.

Oh, no, you did. I sure did. As a single guy, I missed like a Southdale or something. There'd just be some old ladies that would wrap gifts for a couple bucks to charity. Yeah. I used to do that. And people thought, my goodness, this guy's the best rapper

in the world. And of course I would say, well, no, a lovely old lady did this for me. You sat in front of your computer and took an online Christmas rapping class. Maybe. Maybe I did. Unbelievable. Oh, secondhand embarrassment. Unfrigan believable. I'm not embarrassed for you, Dana, because he didn't watch it. Is that what you mean? Like, I should be embarrassed that you didn't watch that video?

No, no. I mean, I just feel embarrassed for you. Well, I called it a video. It was actually a course. Yeah, it wasn't like a YouTuber or anything. So you had to pay money for this? No, it was free if I bought some other stuff. I bought some of his other courses, and that one was free. That's awesome. I love wrapping gifts. I like trying really hard to make them look all pretty.

Well, yeah. But it is kind of depressed. Not depressing, I guess. I feel guilty when I watch somebody unwrap my gift every now and then because the bow can be hard to get off. Okay. Because I wrap it around, you know, and you can see they're sitting there like, I can't untie this.

You're very precise. You're very detailed. although I know a lot of people like you. I've never put in the effort. It's just sloppy and horrible looking. My aunt was known for using way too much tape. So, I mean, you need help opening that for sure. Oh, yeah.

She taped the heck. She was good at wrapping it, but way too much tape. You need a knife to get it open? Yeah, pretty much. Chaos coordinator, Sheez says that her sister has a Christmas tree for every room in the house, including the bathroom. Romantic. With fake presents under the tree. Didn't we learn that last year that having a Christmas tree in your bedroom can, like, entice you to get it on?

Maybe. So maybe that's what it is. She wants to bang in every room of the house. Clearing the bathroom. Fake presents is a good idea. That way my two empty Christmas trees would look a little more, what's the word? Festive? Festive is exactly the word I was going for.

Criminal Investigation Jesus has four Christmas trees at her home. I'm reading people saying that they have seven, they have nine, they have, They have three in a small apartment pancakes by the lake, Jesus. I didn't know this was a thing, multiple trees until this year. Didn't know. Didn't know folks did that. It's really interesting to me. All right, we got to get going.

We're going to do a little bit of this, a little bit of that before the day is out. Day two of our holiday season, ultimate F off week. Our next move will be the Stupid News Report, and we'll get to that in a few minutes on the half-ass morning show. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimpts? here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choke slammed with heat.

And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80 degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience

in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Hi, I'm Joe Sal C. Hi. Host of the Stacking Benjamin's podcast. You know what? A lot of us get taxes wrong. Filing your taxes is basically data entry. There's been this trend of people going, oh, it's so cool to file my taxes in

August. It's so awesome. Don't worry. I have an extension. It'll be fine. I'd like totally do it later. Stop. Do your friggin taxes now. That was a really good fashion voice. Did you like it? You do that more frequently, please? Yes, every show from now. Stacking Benjamin's, follow and listen

on your favorite platform. Stupid news. on the half-assed morning show. Here we go. Today's stupid news report. Wisconsin. We're starting off in Wisconsin. So I'll try to slow my delivery a little bit.

Let me tell you about this effing lady. This gal is brilliant. She tried to rob her neighborhood Walmart during one of those shop with a cop events. It's not Christmas until we hear one of these stories. That's a piss poor idea. Isn't it, Josh? I love this kind of thing.

It's a terrible idea trying to rob her neighborhood Walmart during the Shop with a Cop Party. If you don't know, shop with a cop is literal as all hell. A big pile of local police officers wander around the store with little kids, and they hook up the kids with sweet gifts and whatnot. And they're not like undercover officers. They're fully uniformed, and I'd imagine they're squads. are prominently parked in the parking lot. Of course, they're fully uniformed in case any moms show up, right?

Well, that moms do love men in uniform. No, like Josh said, it's not like they're undercover, full uniform, squad cars everywhere. But this idiot, by the name of Sophia, she's what they call here a career shoplifter. She can't help herself. Now word is, she had just robbed that same Walmart a few days prior to the shop with a cop event. During that caper, she pushed a cart with $600 worth of items smooth out the store and ran like hell. Security cameras caught what she looked like. And then on the day of the shop with a cop event, here she comes again,

presumably to rob the place again, totally unaware of the fact that there were a dozen or so cops waddling around this door. Do you think she's cocky or stupid? Stupid. Yeah. I mean. Remember the story's out of Wisconsin. Oh, you did mention that. I forgot about that.

Key detail. It's a key detail. I mean, they've got pretty good security at Walmart and a lot of good cameras. I don't know how she thought she was going to come back there and they're not going to recognize her. Have I mentioned how much I dig going to Walmart lately? You have. Yeah, you like Walmart. I dig the vibe. All right. So every cop in the Walmart recognized her. One of the cops who was holding hands with a little kid and walking the aisles at Walmart said he couldn't help but say, you got to be kidding me, when he saw this stupid lady walk into the store. I'm trying to give her

the benefit of the doubt. Do you think there's any possibility she thought? but, well, they're never going to assume somebody would shoplift on a day like today, so maybe I could get away with it. No, she's freaking stupid. Yeah, she's just dumb. I'm trying, lady. I'm doing my best for you. Josh is trying to help you's out, Sophia.

When the police saw who she was and saw that she was filling up another cart with this and that, they knocked her on her ass and they arrested her. then the cops looked through her motor vehicle and found up to $900 worth of stolen toys in there. What a total plug. She kind of has a look like, well, now I did it. Now, the cops, the local cops, made a cute statement on that, you know, the wildly misinformed social media. The local cops made a cute statement about all this. They said, if you're planning felony retail theft, maybe avoid the day when the building is basically 30% law enforcement and 70% wrapping paper.

It's very funny. But some of these folks, they just can't get right. We got a couple, three stories in today's report that just, I just get pissed. just please stop. Please stop causing problems. Please stop bothering business owners. I'll get to it. I'll get to it. But I do dig that story out of Wisconsin. Here comes stupid ass into the Walmart looking to rob the joint. It's half filled with cops. It's beautiful. Here's another genius move. A 21-year-old kid in Delaware of all places. Keon Baxter. is the name he goes by. Keon absolutely hammered himself. He effed himself real hard. Says here, he stole a car,

and then when that stolen car got towed, he called the cops to find out if he could get some of his stuff out of the car. That was, can I get some? So he said to the cops, You know that Hyundai Sonata? And the cop said, yeah. And he said, yeah, I stole that pig.

But I left some of my stuff in there. Can I come get my stuff? What a moron. If I was his parent, I think I'd be more pissed at the second part of that story than the first part. You'd be so disappointed your kid steals cars. But then you'd say, I raced a complete moron. He's even dumber than I thought. Yeah, he called to see about his stuff.

So the whole gist here, some poor bastard left his or her Hyundai Sinatra. How the hell did I say that again? Sanada left it running. Keon took advantage. He stole the damn thing. The car owner told the cops, yeah, I left it running. Some poor bastard stole it. So the cops were well aware that there was a stolen Hyundai out there, Summers.

The next day, the police got a telephone call from Keon. He admitted that he stole the vehicle. He went on to say that the car had been towed overnight and he said, is there a chance I can get back into the car to grab some of my stuff? Maybe he didn't know which tow lot. I'm trying to remember I've been to a couple. I don't remember how good the security is. You'd think he'd just be better off breaking into that vehicle and taking a stuff out of there.

I've only been to one tow lot in my life. life, and I think it was the most miserable vibe in any building I've ever been in. Oh, yeah. It's very joyless. I totally agree. And everybody's in a bad mood. As you can imagine, they're getting their car back. And then, of course, they're not treating the people who work there very well, and they're in a bad mood.

Everyone was given off bad vibes, like Josh said. The folks there waiting to get their vehicle back, the folks that worked there, it was just the most horrible. scene. So anyway, Keon makes this telephone call to the cops, says, yeah, I stole a car, but can I get my stuff out the car? Once the cops stop laughing their balls off, they went and picked up Keon. They beat him up a little bit, and they took him to jail. Keon looks really pissed off in his mugshot. You know what, and I bet he's not mad at himself. He should be mad at himself. Yeah, I bet he's mad at everybody else. You're probably right. That's what grabbed me was Keon looks really pissed off in his mugshot, but he's got nobody other than himself to blame.

And he kind of, it's almost like a baby upset, not a man upset. You're right. Just like a pout, more like an angry pout. Yeah, that's a perfect way to describe it. And he's a grown man. He boned himself, as Josh would say. I'd say he even double boned himself. First, he stole a car.

He double ended boned himself. This was a double self bone down. No one to be mad at Keon other than your damn cell. Yep, into a toll lot in Minneapolis and St. Paul. Why did you get towed? The first time was a mistake. They thought my car was in a snow emergency route, which it wasn't. So I was able to get kind of all the money back and everything.

Frustrating. The worst thing that happened is I had to go stand in line forever with cranky people to get it back. But the city apologized. The person that told it, they messed up. Like the mayor came forward and apologized? Yeah, the mayor gave me the key to the city. Good. I could get away with one free illegal parking job.

He said, go ahead. This is a coupon for it. What happened the second time? The second time, my son, Cam! His car broke down. He's hollering his son's name. I don't know why. I'm sorry, what happened to Cam?

His car broke down. Oh. And they had to tow it, unfortunately, for him. So we couldn't get there in time. Oh, that's the worst. He was in a turn lane, and the cops were very cool. but just said, hey, it was like a winter storm, everything about it was bad. We couldn't get there in time to get it out of there.

And so the cops, like, I can't have you sitting here anymore. It's a busy road. So they ended up telling them. Gosh, that has stressed me out before where they're like, you know, it's either going to be this much money or somebody, whoever you call, better get here first. I'm like, ah, don't put that about pressure on me. There's a Kion who is text in and said, hey, I just want you to know that not all of us Kiyans are this stupid. I never would have assumed that. We know that key on.

I never would have assumed that all keyons are stupid. The one time my car got towed, it got towed because I was being responsible. And that's what annoyed me the most. I driven to the bar because I was just going to pop in and say hi to some friends in Dingytown. Ended up having a few. Ended up having a few too many. And I said, well, I'll just leave my car here in the parking. I'll come get in the morning.

I'll be irresponsible. And I go back the next morning, the car was gone. I was like, well, that's what I get for doing the right thing. Come on now. I actually forgot. I had another time my car was towed. and I learned a lesson. I was at Ground Zero.

There was a promotion at Ground Zero. Of course you were at Ground Zero. Yeah, why won't you? The straightest-laced guy we know be at Ground Zero. Well, this is when we were the edge. I was at Ground Zero. I'm like, oh, my God, there's like half-naked ladies in cages. What am I doing here?

It's crazy. It was a work event. And then I leave and my car's gone. And I thought, I called the cops. I'm like, hey, somebody stole my car. And like, well, where'd you park? I'm like, well, the bank crossed the street from Ground Zero. And the dude's like, no, nobody stole it.

It was towed. You can't park in a bank parking. a lot. And I had never heard that before. And he mentioned he was very cool. Whoever answered the phone was very, very cool and said, you know, what we worry about is somebody staking out people going to the ATM. Oh. And so, you know, you just can't do that. I never saw any signs until I went back and realized, okay, there are signs everywhere and I completely missed it. Yeah, you know, we were frustrated in my hometown many years ago and one of our favorite bars suddenly upped and announced that you cannot park there overnight. Your

car will be towed. And, you know, why? You know, and it was a long time ago. I don't remember why. I mean, it's their business. They can do what they want. They don't need a reason why. But kind of like Dana was saying, you know, we were still young.

We like to get real drunk at this joint. And suddenly now, you know, you can't just get a ride home or a cab home and come get your car in the morning. Anyway, we were pissy about it for a stretch of time. But, you know, when I got told the one time, Josh, it was in Minneapolis, and it was because I did not understand the snow emergency rules. I was new to Minneapolis, really. I moved in with a gal, not far from here, not far from where we are right now.

I moved in with a gal, had to park on the street, and I did not understand the snow emergency rules. And one night it was snowing, and I kind of thought, oh, it's not that bad. It's not that much. came out the next day and my car was gone. Remember I told you this apartment we stayed in? It was really kind of a fun gimmick I had going on.

When I would walk out the door to the street to get in my car every workday, some dude, I don't care if it was 20 below or 100 degrees out, some dude would ride his bicycle past me same time every morning because he obviously had to be somewhere for work and I was headed off the work. So it was just weird. like 3.45 in the morning, and me and this dude, we were the first person we saw every morning. So he'd whizzed by and his bike and be like, what up, dog? And I'd be like, hey, dude, right? This went on forever and ever.

On the morning that I stepped out and saw that my car had been towed, here comes dude with the bicycle, and he says, where's your car, dog? And I said, I don't know. Cute. Mm-hmm. It sucked. We're just wall-to-wall brain-dead, numbsculled derelict thieves this morning in the stupid news. One dumber than the next.

I mean, it's truly bizarre how some people behave. Another lady derelict here. Another, quote, career shoplifter. This one from New Zealand, I believe. Naomi is her name. She's a female career shoplifter. and all the stores in town are tired of her act. She likes to masturbate quite a bit.

She walked into her neighborhood sex shop and snatched a big, fat, double-ended, two-story-tall dildo, and ran like the wind. It says here Naomi was over at a joint called the Peaches and Cream Sex Toys Shop. Oh. Yeah. She grabbed this enormous dildonk. off the shelf and got out of there. A $270 sex toy. But they're almost all around $270 these days.

Are they? That's insane. Oh, they're all so expensive. She grabs this dildo, she runs. Then she got on the bus and threatened someone with... The dildo. No, not the dildo. You would think it would have been the dildo that she threatened somebody with.

She didn't threaten to chin check anybody. with her precious $270 Dilrod, she threatened someone with another item that she had also stolen that evening. A leg of lamb! Well, the internet would say if you're brave enough, you could use a leg of

lamb as a dildo, I guess. Anything is a dildo as you're if you're brave enough, Jesus would agree with that. I've heard that slogan. The gist of the story is that this gal is just a massive pain in the ass. Everyone's tired of her being such a friggin'

loser, stealing from all the businesses in town. Naomi recently got punished for her nonsense. She's looking at six months of home detention. She can't go anywhere. But the judge told her, one more F-Up, and you're going off to prison. I mean, come on. I mean, if that's a frozen leg of land, that could kill a person, I'd imagine. At least knock you.

Yeah. At least put you to sleep for a stretch of time. You're going to go on a great level of in your reading comprehension, that's for sure. And I can totally understand why local businesses have had enough. This effing idiot. All she does is walk in and out of these stores all day long, even though she's been 86 from damn near every joint in town, and all the store owners know she's looking to steal something.

They can never let their guard down. Every time she walks in, they've got to scream at her to get out. I mean, come on. These people are trying to make a damn living. You should try it. I mean, listen to this, okay, if you're not already done with this Naomi idiot. What was her name? Yep.

Yeah, Naomi. On the night she stole the six-foot rubber pecker and the damn leg of lamb. And she gets on that city bus I was telling you about. She told the bus driver that she didn't have any money, and she was hoping that someone else on the bus would pay for her. No. F you. Yeah, screw you.

You're not my problem. Next thing you know, she's trying to club somebody over the skull with the severed lamb leg, probably because they said, no, I'm not paying for you. Just leave us alone. Oh, and then when she got kicked off the bus, she grabbed the cash box from the driver and hid it behind her back like she's a four-year-old. She's a problem. And she ran off with the money box.

I just get pissed off reading about folks like this. No, I hate this lady. It's ridiculous. Please. What if we said please? Would you just leave us alone? Right now, I bet she's just got a big smile on her face riding that dildo. Right?

Maybe I shouldn't have brought that up. A happy ending as it was. She's thinking I went through a lot of trouble for this. Bad day for dildo jokes? What happened? Well, it was great. Okay. Can't even get Ashley to laugh at a dildo joke.

I don't know if I... I mean, I'd give it like a seven. Maybe six. Oh, that was pretty good. Seven's pretty good. Oh, gosh. No. No.

What? Josh is doing the six-seven motion. I didn't say, I didn't call it out on air. We don't acknowledge that anymore. That was a private moment between me and Ashley. Seven's pretty good. I thought, I don't know why you wouldn't get a laugh out of a seven. Unfortunately, we've made our way to the United States.

United Kingdom for our next move. This is no doubt one of the strangest stories I've ever heard of. Let me know where you go with this. An old bag of bones by the name of Roy. Roy Marsh. Sorry old bastard, 86 years old. A day or two ago, miserable old Roy was on his daily walk. around a miserable old lake.

Along the way, Roy decided to take a little break ski. Hell, Roy has stage three prostate cancer and severe asthma on top of all that. Why are he walking around? It ain't easy for him to get around because he wants to walk around. Get one of those like motorized scooters or something. He has no idea where he's going. He's just walking around. You want to get him a scooter?

Yeah. No, well, you can, I got his name right here. You can write him a letter and tell him you'd like to give him a scooter. So Roy parks his ass on a bench. Says here, out of nowhere's the wind blew some grass or leaves or something into Roy's Jurassic yapper. And he did what anybody would do. He, you know, kind of spit it out. And immediately, he got a tap on this.

shoulder. Here's what Roy says. He said, out of nowhere's, here come these two enforcement officers, and they say, can I have a word with you, sir? And Roy said word. They may have a word with him. One of the cops, enforcement officers, whatever you want to call him, said, I have reason to believe you've been spitting? And Roy said, no. The environmental enforcement officer, hard on, dumped a ticket on old Roy. Says here, 250 English dollars or pounds or whatever nonsense they're working with over there. That seems high.

They gave him a ticket. That's incredible. For spitting. Unreal. Leave this guy alone. What a guy. douchebag. I can't imagine that's your job to hunt down

old cancer survivors and give them tickets for something so stupid. Yeah, you suck. Yeah, that's not a job that's going to get you laid. No, it's probably not. Is this like step one maybe in England to becoming a real cop? You have to be the annoying environmental enforcement officer and walk around the... It's even worse than the people that give parking tickets.

Can you imagine like that you're talking about your busts for the day? Well, there's an old guy mind his own business. He took a leaf in the mouth and spit it out, so I took care of that real quick. Yeah. This would make me so irrationally angry. How did he not just go insane? Because he's an old timer and he's a nice guy. He paid the fine.

Nah, no. He didn't agree with the ticket, old Royski, but he didn't want to bother with the pain in the ass of fighting it. So he paid it. Then a month later says here that. some other enforcement officer targeted Roy again on his sad daily walk around the lake. I do picture of being sad. It's just gray and kind of drizzling, chilly out. He's kicking at the rocks.

Yeah. It's the only thing the guy has going for him in life. He's wondering what happened to his life, like the rest of us. A month later, Roy's walking around that same sad lake. He took a tissue out of his pocket to blow his big old shirt. schnaz. And an enforcement officer followed him to make

sure he threw the snot rag in the trash and not on the ground. Oh, God. I mean, I guess the silver lining is how do you know you live in a good neighborhood? When they're going after people that this is the worst defense? This is England. Do we have anything like

this here in America? Well, I mean, if you... I don't know. We have park rangers, but I don't think they do anything like that. that'll walk around and give you a ticket for spitting or littering. Like that's their particular job. Littering, maybe. Like you were just saying, Josh, that is your specific job. You are looking for little tic-ticky-tack things like spitting and littering.

I've never heard of anything like that around here. Maybe any of the cops are, we have a couple prosecutors that listen to. They can let us know. But let's say you throw a pop can out your window. That might give a cop a reason to stop you. Right. But I doubt that the cop's going to say, hey, I got to give you a ticket for that.

Maybe more than anything to say, go pick that up. Right. But I'm talking about specific, how did they say it? Environmental enforcement officers. Do we have these type of people who hand out tickets for spitting and littering, littering is the word, little snot rags and things like that? I don't think so. I've never heard of it.

If that was this guy, I wouldn't be paying anything at his age. That's a good point. Come after me. Yeah. Old balls Roy. He's not playing Mr. Nice Guy anymore, Ashley. He says the park cops are bullies who pick on old folks. Roy's elderly wife even spoke up.

She said these people are like hyenas. Sounds that way. They hang around toilets and hope people drop something so they can nab them. Here are some more comments from English folks on these. environmental cops or whatever they are. What is this? What did they say? They say these people sit and wait in their car and watch people come out of the supermarket. And if anybody, elderly or otherwise, drops anything, they jump on them.

See, this is where I've never heard of anything like this around here. That's absolutely insane. Just stay calm. Jesus said park rangers will give you tickets for going off trails and, yes, littering. Yeah. You're probably not following folks for that. No, park rangers, regular cops. Sure, they will ticket you for littering and being unenvironmental or whatever. But I think people, you know what I mean.

I'm not talking about park rangers and regular cops. I'm talking about... Here's a cop that said, you know, we won't really stop someone for littering, but if they throw a beer can out the car, you're going to get stopped. Yeah. Right, right, right. I understand all that. It says here, these environmental officers in England,

They stop people who have dogs and ask them if they've got poop bags. If you've only got one poop bag, they'll either fine you or make you go back to your car and get another poop bag. Oh, my gosh. Because you've got to have two of them on you at all times, Ashley. What's going on? It's the law. Yeah, what if you were like, you know what, actually, I like to bear hand it. Oh.

What are you going to do now? I'm really into nature. Or you could just say, yeah, I only have one poop bag, but I got two socks. Yeah. And in your case, one backpack. If I bear hand, this is what Ashley's saying, this is what she'd say to that environmental officer. If I bear hand this big log that my Labrador just left behind, you're going to stop me? You're going to cuff me while I'm holding this warm Labrador logola?

That is a terrible feeling, though, realizing, oh, no, I forgot the bags when you're walking your dog. That's a fear right there. I just look around and find a different location for them to go. Like, where can people not see me? Josh, you mentioned the size of your Great Dane turds. Would you be able to one hand those things where you need both hands? Oh, it's a both-handed project. And I've got these little hands, too, so that doesn't help.

Some in your pocket halfway through. You got to crack it in half. And put one half in your back pocket for later. I don't think we have anything like this in the United States of America. This situation they got in England, these environmental officers wandering around and barking at you for spitting for spitting. This sounds like in the end, Josh, someone's going to get their ass kicked. Well, I'd like to know what the spit is doing to the environment. out of curiosity.

Why is that so dangerous? Oh, yeah, that's a good. I didn't even think about that point of it. Because, yeah, I mean, it can be gross, I guess, but. Oh, I've had people snap at me for spitting on the street. You have? Yeah. I only have a problem when it's like a, like that thick one.

A thick, like a lugie. Yeah, I don't like that word. I've had people be like, oh, God, spitting on the sidewalk, you know, that kind of thing. They pop off. and I get that it's gross, I do, and I get that I might be spreading germs. But Josh or Ashley posed a very insightful question. What is the spit-toeing to bother the environment?

I don't believe in the environment in the first place. It's a made-up thing. Yeah, there is no such thing as an environment. I don't believe there's such a thing as the environment. There is no such thing as an environment. Something the government tells you about. Sheeple. If I saw somebody spitting, I think.

think, oh, it's kind of gross, especially depending on what it consisted of. But I would never think, how offensive, this guy should be fine. You just ruined the delicate ecosystem here. Get Bent Fishing, Jesus said in California, the fine for littering is up to $1,000. And they post it everywhere. I'm sorry, one more time. Where is it $1,000? California.

California. I do hate litter. You hate litter? Yeah, you guys ever had to pay? park and you like see a bunch of litter and it makes me like irrationally angry i'm like what a piece of crap why is this why is that so here i get a little aggravated too you couldn't you couldn't walk that over to the trash can you're friggin moron lazy empty pop cans and beer cans and you know jid rags and whatnot you can't walk that over to the trash can it is it's lazy i'm with you i get a little aggravated

i lived across street from a park and it was every day pretty much and then you see those sad videos of like a a little bear cub with a bucket stuck on its head. What are you doing? You're killing animals. Yeah. So there you go. There was never a bear cub at the park across the street from us. But there were coyotes and a lot of geese.

That's for sure. And those geese, man. Oh, geese are evil. Yeah. Violent. Yeah. I love that about them. I hate it.

And why do they poop so much? It's way too much poop for one animal. I walk right up to those some bitches. I ain't scared of geese. I walk right up. I pet them. I hold them. That's a fun mental image.

You know what, Josh? I milked a goose once. Did you really? It trusted me so much. I milked a goose. I've never had bird milk. Oh, God. You can milk anything that has nipples.

I'm not afraid of geese. I walk right up. They understand me. I understand them. They're jerks, man. That's why we understand each other. We're both kind of rageful characters. Dental babe Sheezus works at a dental clinic and spit still grosses her out.

That's kind of a delicate dance, right? Knowing when they're going to put that little spit sucker in there, closing your mouth just at the right time. Have you ever been off in that situation? Oh, sure. The timing gets a little off. That's embarrassing. It's like when you're having a phone conversation and the codex or whatever they call it is a little off.

There's a few millisecond delays and then you're talking all over each other. And we've had that here too before where something's off. It's a timing issue. But once you get it figured out, it's like a bond. you have with that dress. Yeah, it's like a little dance between you and the dentist. It really is. Put that tube in your mouth and you spit in the tube.

Tube spitter. That's what you are. Brewers in High Life Jesus doesn't care too much about people spitting but doesn't like it when someone will throw a wad of chew on the sidewalk and generally right in the entrance to a gas station. Doesn't like that. If I see a trail of chew wads, I know that

you know, some good people have come through. You're at home. Spitting on the sidewalks, spitting, you know, doesn't bother me. Farmers blow gets to me now and again. Oh, yeah, my wife will get mad at me if I ever do something like that. I just don't know how you can control it. You guys know that I'm a 54-year-old man who still has no idea how to blow his own nose. It's a colossal disaster.

You just got to get some reps in, man. I don't understand how someone can just... And they take the rag away from their face and there's nothing there. When I blow my nose, I look like a seven-year-old on a winter day waiting for the bus. It's everywhere. I don't know. I don't understand the process of blowing your nose without making a disgusting mess all over the room. The snot, I should get there.

I will get there. The farmer blow guys, the ones who can just go and launch that perfect and it lands on the ground. And there's no residue. I don't get it. What are you, an Olympic athlete or something? How do you do that? Like I said, it's practice. That's all it is.

You know how to farmer blow properly with nothing? Definitely. No evidence that you've just. You'd never know. Farmer blown anything. That's right. Good for you. While we're speaking to old folks, you might want to watch a video here.

And this comes from the disgusting far southeastern part of our country. An old timer fell down while he was up on. on his roof blowing leaves, and the poor guy stayed sprawled out on his belly until the local cops came and picked his sorry ass up. I got you, sir. I'm glad somebody's got me. My neighbor just happened to walk out and saw my legs over the side of their house and call 911.

Can't reach up, reach up, reach up with that hand. She's been on me for years and I have to do it. But when you build a home and you go up there and you blow it. Enough already. You get confidence. Let me get your wrist. Come here, come here. You don't like the guy?

I'm kidding. around. This guy, the pictures of him on the roof are to, because it looks, it looks like he could just get up. He couldn't get up. He doesn't have the arm straight. Help, I've fallen and I can't get up. Did you just call this man cute?

Yeah, he's adorable. You don't think he's a cute old man? I didn't see what he looked like. I just thought it was. And he was very appreciative and, you know, he just had some cute things to say. Well, it's on 93x.com if you want to look at him, Nick. Check out our website. I'll see if he's cute or not.

Yeah, 86-year-old kind of fell on his belly. He looked so funny and helpless. He was blowing leaves and whatnot off of his roof. And once he got down on his belly, he couldn't get up. And he started to slide downwards. Oh, no. Slowly slide. When the cops walked up, his legs were hanging off the side of the roof.

They showed up just in time, gave him a ticket. for reckless endangerment, and they saved him. And you heard the audio of him going on and on. Well, my wife has warned me to stop doing this, but when you own a home, you want to maintain the... Have you guys ever known those people that they had a certain older age, and then they get like that about everything? Like all philosophical about life?

I suppose. That makes sense. At least like a couple times a week, you know, life really goes by fast. Doesn't this guy have a great grandchild or two that can blow the leaves out of his? Well, he sounds like he's got a lot of pride, you know. He wants to do it himself. He can still do it. It's time for Grandpa to retire from blowing leaves off the lid of his house.

I think everybody should stay off the roof, especially old people. I enjoy getting up there. No, sketchy. I enjoy getting up there and blowing out the gutters. You're going to hurt yourself. Probably, but I dig. Yeah, I'm surprised you do that. What am I supposed to do?

Well, you're kind of a get guy to do things type of guy. Oh, well, it's just blowing the leaves out of the gutters. Yeah, but up on a ladder, it just doesn't seem like something might expect you to do. Oh, I still do some things. I'd feel pretty silly paying some other guy just to walk up a ladder and blow the leaves out of my gutters. It takes five minutes, so. But you're right, I eventually will be falling off of that roof. It's only a matter of time.

One of the greatest things I ever saw in my life was my dad come off a lap. ladder while he was cleaning out the gutters. And the poor bastard was hanging from the gutters for about 10 seconds before he dropped down to the earth. Absolutely. I pulled into his driveway while he's up on the ladder leaned up against the gutters. He's not standing on the roof, but he's on a ladder leaned up against the gutters. And suddenly that ladder went weep. And there he was hanging from the...

Ah! I think me and Big Al saw that pig happen in real time. It was beautiful. Sports on the 93X half-assed morning show. To me, that's not what KOC wants from his quarterback. That alternate personality, number nine, all that stuff. No one's ever won in the NFL doing this. So, you know, to me, he acts like a kid, he's played like a kid.

We're stuck with the kid until next year. Oh, shut up, Chris Carter. You're such a douchebag. And I'm just tired in general of talking about whether or not this J.J. McCarthy thing is going to work out. I'm tired of talking about it. There's also, like, plenty of dudes that have that kind of attitude in the NFL. What an idiot. Chris Carter's just a clown ass is all he is.

Not that I don't agree with him, but I'm just tired of the whole J.J. thing. F. Me running. You know what I'm saying, Cubby? Yeah. He's very opinionated, that's for sure. There's a limit on some of these things. There's a friggin' limit. You know, the pigs and capitals are playing here in town tonight. State of hockey. Ovechkin, huh? Is he playing or is he suspended?

I think he's playing. I haven't heard otherwise. Sorry, no. Oglethorpe is the player who's suspended for the capitals. Oglethorpe. Oglethorpe, after you know. Did you guys know that? No, I didn't.

Oglethorpe F, the last girl on the pinwheel of the Estabaganza. So you know, the. pigs and capitals are playing tonight. Yes, they are. They got a game tonight. Tonight's the night of the big NBA Cup championship game. Oh, you guys all coming over, right?

Come on. The NBA Cup championship game. Oglethorpe suspended from that game. He can't play in that game. Yeah, I heard there was some sex stuff that went on. Well, no, that's not why he got suspended because of the gal on the last gal on the pinwheel of the

S-Drabb. Josh's news is coming up next. The 93-X Half-assed Morning Show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get

choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off. your list at standard heating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930.

Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com.

That's B-I-A-L-L-K-E-Law.com. and it spells relief for you. Next role with Vernon Davis, the transformative journeys of athletes, artists, and entrepreneurs. Ladies and gentlemen, lights out, Sean Merriman. I want to be the biggest and the best one I do.

And so whatever it takes, I'll get it done in business and everything else. All I do is know how to fight and earn what I want. My man. Malik asks, what actor, comedian, what you want to collaborate with?

Me, Jamie Foxley, Kevin Hart, in a movie. We said it on Vernon Davis podcast then, so we'll circle back and be like, yep, it's going to clear. Next role with Vernon Davis. and listen on your favorite platform. Half-assed morning show. 93X. According to the lawsuit, the family

made the discovery after dumping the contents into a washing machine because they were told the bag contained their son's clothes. This is a story about when Laundry Day managed to even outgross your average Seis de Mayo. A California mortuary business and a funeral services director are facing some serious allegations after a grieving father was handed a bag containing what he was told were his son's personal belongings, only to later discover it was something far more disturbing, something was mistakenly placed inside his son's brain. As the family prepared for the funeral, they decided to wait, and they wanted that is, their loved one,

dressed in different clothing from what he had been wearing. The father went to the mortuary to receive his son's clothes and met with the funeral director who handed him a red bag marked. as containing biohazardous material, but told him it held his son's clothes. The father drove home, carried the bag inside, opened his washing machine, and poured the contents directly in, only to realize something was terribly wrong.

Oh, man. How did he know it was his son's brain? Well, he found out later. That is absolutely awful. The bag did not contain any clothing, but rather some gross contents. It just contained human brain matter, quote, unquote, according to the lawsuit.

Brain matter. And there is no amount of tide that can fix that. Up until that moment, the family had no idea. The coroner had even performed a cranial autopsy, or that a portion of their son's brain had been removed. Unaware of what he was handling, the father scooped the contents out of the washing machine, ironed the hypothalamus,

and then placed the brain back into the red bag. Still not realizing it was his son's brain matter. Brain matter. According to the lawsuit, the funeral director never offered an explanation for how such a horrific mix-up occurred, nor did he provide the father with his son's clothing. The family's now accusing the defendants of negligence, fraud,

infliction of emotional distress and breach of contract, and they are demanding the case be heard by a jury. That is so dark, just traumatizing it all over again. Can you even imagine? That's a colossal F-up right there. Yeah. Probably going to cost them. I mean, yeah, we thought that was as close.

How do you mix those two things? things up. Not too sure. I don't ever want to know the feeling of holding a brain. No. My sons or anybody else's. I wonder what it feels like. Have you ever like at a Halloween party as a kid or at school? Done something like that where the teacher brings in a bowl and says, ah, this is brains or this is whatever and then they put some stuff in there. We did that. Even that disgusted me and I knew it wasn't brains. It's like a like a, like a. a bag of sand. Yeah, it feels just like it. A 50-year-old Florida man found himself under arrest after spotting a woman riding with her window down,

or Nick's wife might refer to it, riding white trash style, deciding this was the perfect moment to launch lumber. The trouble began about 419 a.m. November 16th when Willie Riley and the victim started arguing because he refused to let the victim's friend into her vehicle. According to that victim, she and her friend were driving away when Riley tossed a lot of log toward the open driver's side window. It struck the doorframe hard enough to leave dense and a small shard of wood lodged in the metal. When an officer arrived, the log was still sitting there, all log-like.

The victim said after Riley threw the log, she stepped out to confront him, and things took a page straight out of the three stooges when he poked her in the eye. Her friend backed up the account explaining for some reason Riley was mad. she was in the vehicle with the victim. Gave her an old-fashioned eye gouged. Ouch. Poked her. Boop.

A 53-year-old Florida man attacked his 82-year-old mother with a frying pan. Then, for good measure, tried to smother her. Oh. According to investigators, the assault unfolded about 11.20 a.m. Sunday the 7th, while Keith Woodward and his mom were looking for a phone number to a caretaker. Freaking Keith. He believed her early dementia diagnosed. meant that she would soon require constant care, and he didn't want to provide that.

No. So he grabbed a large frying pan, walked into her bedroom, and forced her a face improvised iron supplement. Strike her in the head with the frying pan. This was his way of trying to kill her? Yeah. So he wouldn't have... I don't have the time for that. He wouldn't have to care for her.

He then... A frying pan was his weapon of choice. That's fascinating to me. He then climbed on top of... of her, gross, and tried to smother her with pillows. But the tough old gal fought back, pushing and pinching him in a desperate effort to escape. Authorities said that he hit her at least two times more with the frying pan before making another attempt to smother the mother. What was his next route?

Well, that was about it. Oh, he, just another form of smothering. Yeah. Okay. And he apparently... Thought maybe he went and got a toaster or something like that. Nope, that was it. Okay.

Ultimately, his mom had more fight in her than he anticipated and managed a narrow escape. After she got away, though, police said he pursued her briefly before becoming overwhelmed with guilt. He called first responders on himself and told the dispatcher he was going to hell for what he had done. Yeah, you are. He's probably right. In court last week, a judge ordered him held without bond and barred him from having any contact with his mom. What a character that, Keith. That frying pan sound effect, Nick, reminded me of when Stone Cold Steve Austin attacked Vince McMahon in the hospital and rang him upside the head of the bedpan.

Oh, absolutely. And it just had the greatest. clonk, you know, sound effect of all time. Yeah, there it is. I do love that sound effect. That was the first appearance of what beloved WWE character? Mr. Sacco! Mr. F. Me Runnin Sacco made his debut during that promo, Josh.

Were you aware of that? Was he an actual sock of some sort? Yes. On Mick Folley's hand. Oh, a hand pup? Oh, I've seen that. Yeah. Mr. Sacco, okay.

Vince was in the hospital, and Mick Folley's just doing anything he can to try to cheer him up and he's just annoying the hell out of them, like doing a sock puppet show. That's hilarious. Yeah, here came Austin. Usually the most dangerous thing in a middle school backpack is a forgotten banana. But a Minnesota middle school last week was something far less appealing. Morehead police are investigating after a 13-year-old was found at school carrying a backpack

that was less school supplies and more evidence locker. About 1,500 pills that may contain fentanyl. Oh. During a news conference Friday, police had a news conference Friday. police said investigators don't know how the student came into possession of such a large quantity of drugs. Pills authorities estimated had a street value of $37,500. This is extremely concerning, a police official said, of the toxic show and tell. He didn't just find that walking on the street, the official said.

Exactly what was in the pills had not been confirmed and will require some lab testing, though they say they believe it is fentanyl. How old of a kid is walking around town with this bag low? Dope? The ripe old age of 13. Here we go. Police said the situation came to light after another student at Horizon West Middle School alerted staff that the teen had a large number of pills. They warned that even a single fentanyl pill could be deadly for middle school-aged students, prompting the department to begin coordinating periodic and random searches with drug-sniffing dogs.

The student was taken to juvie, and police say one of the boys' parents is cooperating with that investigation as officers worked to try. trace how the drugs ended up in the child's hands. 37 some odd thousand dollars worth of fentanyl. Just trying to make some money on the side. A little Christmas money? He's got a girlfriend who wants to buy some cubic zirconia for or something. F me. A Washington, D.C. family said their front door has become an accidental mail room for a nearby

hotel. Over the past six months, more than 100 packages meant for gas at the Arlo have been delivered to their home. and it's been an eclectic variety of items delivered in those smiling brown boxes. We've received everything from cat food to vitamin supplements to even a chainsaw. And you know what that'll do to your backside. Oh, you don't even to tell us, Josh. Although the hotel is about a mile from her home,

the hotel's gas have been ordering packages intended to be delivered to the Arlo, but mistakenly clicking her address on Amazon instead, because hers appears before the hotel's address on Amazon's option. list with only a sneaky one-letter difference separating the two. They are inadvertently clicking on our address, which shows up first. Unfortunately, it's been a lot of late nights where folks are coming and knocking on our door, which is pretty tough when you have a kid. Amazon said it's investigating the issue and working on a solution.

That sounds like a pain in the ass. Yeah. Why are people coming to their doors in the middle of the night? It's the Amazon delivery drivers. Oh, saying, hey, I screwed something up. get that cat food back? No, just delivering the cat food. Oh. Yeah. The problem isn't unique. Earlier this year, a San Jose, California woman reported a similar situation. She said her home was flooded with hundreds of unwanted Amazon packages meant for a Chinese company's return location in the U.S.

Because her address was somehow listed as that return center. I mean, depends what it is. You'll notice in the previous story the woman did open everything, maybe in case something's cool in there. Amazon retrieved the unwanted packages from the woman's home and said it was working on a permanent solution to fix that issue. I had a delivery driver drop off groceries not too long ago, and they accidentally gave me a huge roll or a huge thing of paper towels. And I thought, heck, yes, this is a beautiful mistake. But then they texted me and were like, hey, I accidentally left the paper towels there. I'll be right back to pick them up. Gosh, darn it.

Sorry running errands. Can't answer the door. Oh, gosh, I felt bad because I was like, and you're going to get a bad rating from whoever the paper towels were supposed to go to, so I guess I'll give them back. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Speaking of ratings, if you ask your Amazon device, if you order from Amazon to thank your driver,

they get five bucks last time of year. Oh, yeah, I forgot they do that cute little gimmick. Police in Kobe, Japan, arrested 32-year-old Hiroki Takano on suspicion of robbing a convenience store, and actually he'd already done half their work for them. He called police dispatch beforehand and helpfully announced he was about to commit a robbery. So cops there had an easy day. Officers say he walked into a store about 2 a.m. approached the loan cashier and told her not to call the cops as he demanded cash.

She stayed calm and said she needed to grab a key at the register. Then used that opportunity to slip in the back room, hit the emergency button, and make her escape. Meanwhile, the man helped himself to a bag with the equivalent about $1,000 in cash and made an escape of his own. Police fanned out through the area and spotted him climbing into a taxi. He's stolen cash still on him, putting an end to his very short-lived getaway. Hmm. That was kind of weird. Yeah.

But it is a little different, yes. I guess he felt bad ahead of time or... I don't know. Maybe a multiple personality situation? Yeah. I don't understand necessarily what's going on there, but they solved the case quite easily. thanks to help from the bad guy. It was supposed to debut tomorrow, but surprise, the premiere of Fallout 2,

Fallout Season 2 will begin streaming on Prime Video tonight at 8. Oh, cool, I like that show. Yeah, I like it too. A day earlier than originally announced. Based on the video game, the show is about a future post-apocalyptic Los Angeles brought about by nuclear decimation. There was a little bit of controversy ahead of today's debut,

thanks to an unfortunate combination of computer error and a trillion-dollar company trying to save a buck. After some fan backlash and a wave of mocking articles online, Amazon polled at Season 1 recap because it butchered key events from the first season. The summary was riddled with incorrect information, later revealed to be the result of an AI-generated synopsis. The fans immediately spotted the factual errors and Prime Video took down the video.

They were very humbled by that. Can you met like nobody watched it? Nobody watched just to make sure we should post this thing? We trust it. Like, dude, none of that happened. Very odd. And debuting today on Netflix, the sixth season premiere of my guest. Next guest needs no introduction with David Letterman,

with new episodes featuring Michael B. Jordan, YouTuber Mr. Beast, and Jason Bateman. That Mr. Beast guy. Are you still in love with him, Dana? No. I found his videos fascinating for a little bit, but I got over that. Didn't you watch all of them? Not all of them, but a good amount of them.

Okay, yeah, I thought you said you watched them all. Yeah, that's why my YouTube year and review was pretty humbling this year. Is it all Mr. Beast? Yeah, I was not happy with it. I was like, oh, man, you just felt that shame. I know he does, like, great things for people. I guess he does a lot for charity, but there's something about him. Something's going to come out one day.

He's got bodies in the basement? Yeah, it's just a vibe he gives off. Shout out to Bushlight Bowhunter, Jesus, on his ultimate F-off day until the 29th. Is that right? Happy belated birthday to Jackson, who turned 18 yesterday. And congratulations for getting accepted into Stevens Point College from Always Late, but Worth the Weight, Jesus. And on the other end of that, happy early birthday in Nicole, whose birthday's on the 24th from Metal Hand finishing Jesus. And that's 93X News.

Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. I can't sing, but if there's one thing I can do, it's snap. Pro Bowl voting is ending soon, and we need your help. So vote for me, Andrew DePaula. Long Snapper. And me. Will Reichard.

Kicker. And me. Ryan Wright. Hunter. Wow, that's cute. They were dressed as barbershop quartet singers as well. Whoa. We've been attacked by the sylons.

Crab people. Weren't those the characters on Battlestar Galactica? The Cylons? Did you ever watch the reboot of that? The Cylons got hot. What? Just to give you a little heads up there. They sure did.

Randy Schaver, are you there? Yeah, he sounded like a Cylon. He texted. Oh, yeah, I might need to call him. Yeah, he's had some internet issues today. Oh, you didn't get that message? He said it was back to back. Hang up the thing that he's got.

I'm going to call him. Yeah. Sorry, I thought you got that message. No, he did. He sent another incident. My internet's back now. Yeah, he updated it. Let's just go on the telephone because Randy Schaeber sounded like a scary alien.

Hello, C Willie Miles. Good morning. Welcome to the show. Tell me more about the Sylons on Battlestar Galactica. In the reboot of the program, the Sylons got hot. Josh? Very hot. Yeah.

Explain yourself. What are you talking about? I don't know how else to say it. The actresses they cast as sylons were gorgeous. Because when I watched the show, they wore helmets. So in the reboot, the helmets came off and they were slinging heat. I'll show you some pictures. All right.

I'd like to see some pictures. I remember the sylons all were helmets and they had a little red light that danced back and forth. Unless, well, was it, maybe there's more than one thing. Let me see if I can find it. Yeah, maybe the sylons are different. The Pro Bowl. That was a cute little intro there with our guy, Depot, and the damn kicker and the punter pushing folks to vote for them for the Pro Bowl.

Pro Bowl voting closed yesterday. Did everyone get a chance to get in there and dump in a vote for Depot? Oh, yeah. Did you? Definitely. A couple times. What about the kicker and the punter? Eh.

I might have slipped my mind. I was focused on Andrew. Maybe next year. Yeah. Yeah, the Pro Bowl. where they play flag football now. Is that correct? Yeah.

Eli and Payton are the coaches of each team. Sad. And the guys look like they're having fun out there. Randy Schaber. That's what it's all about. Yes, sir. Flag football. Yeah.

Yeah. In the Pro Bowl. I played that when I was in seventh grade, yes. True. Were you one of the top cats out there on the both? I was, actually, yes. You had speed. I did.

Yeah, flag football. We played it in gym class. Were that type of player that? I would kind of double wrap the flag, so it was a little bit tougher to pull off. I always liked to do that. You know, we never thought that far ahead. Only in gym class, though, is where we played flag football. We actually played competitive flag football in seventh grade.

Oh, wow. What do you mean? Instead of putting on helmets and pads? We didn't put on pads until eighth grade. Really? Yes. Why was that? Was that an Iwoegian rule?

Well, I mean, first of all, it was probably 19. 1969, 1970. Right. So there was no organized youth football at all. And so...

In your neighborhood, you mean, in your town? Period. Period. Period. We did not. No. We did not have any youth

football organization. Okay, you made it sound like there was no such thing as organized football. So in your... No, there wasn't school. I mean, there was nothing outside. of school. Other than

Little League Baseball, which was in the summertime, there was no organized, there was no travel basketball, there was no youth basketball outside of your school. Organized. Right?

So my first my first time putting on football pads was in eighth grade. That was the first time I could play football. Okay. I'm a little confused.

I know what you're saying? Like in middle school for me, I played on the Black Hawk Basketball team, Black Hawk Middle School basketball team. They also played for the Egan traveling team at the same time. We didn't have that back that one, Randy. No, we didn't have any of that. There was nothing like that. Okay. I think I understand. I think they opened the gym during Christmas holiday week so that you could come and just organize and play. That's the only time I have.

remember having like an open gym or a chance to pick teams indoors during the wintertime and play. Right. He just didn't have that. Yeah, we had. Tom Hollis was the director of sports at our Boys and Girls Club. Tom Hollis. Yeah, his name is Tom Hollis.

That's important information in this conversation, see, Willie? Yeah. To me, because that kept us, I lived in the projects, man. So you got to remember that guy that kept you off the streets. So that's how we used to do a little organized little basketball in there from the hood. You know, they bring us in. And he was the original Sam Jackson back from Coach Carter. Oh.

Except for, you know, he would roughest of the toughest kids would be in the gym. And it was like, there was like no fighting, no talking back. You just play basketball. That movie just popped up on my television a couple days ago, Coach Carter. Yeah, it was a great movie. I like that movie. Great movie. All right.

There you go. Last night, as far as football goes, the Pittsburgh Stillers ended any chance of the Miami Dolphins making the playoffs by beating them 28 to 15, and I'm guessing the Stillers kept their own playoff hopes going to. They're in first place. They're a game ahead of Baltimore. So they actually own, they control their own destiny. They do play the Ravens the last Sunday of the season in Pittsburgh. but for right now, I mean, Aaron Rogers and those guys have a chance to be the NFC, what is it, are they, the North, NFC North champions. I thought they were in the AFC.

AFC, I'm sorry. Yeah, you're right. AFC. Yeah, okay. Well, there you go. Yeah. I mean, it was not a great football game last time. I didn't bother with it.

Yeah, I watched. I mean, I cared about watching. I had a couple of fantasy. players that I cared about. But I mean, I wanted to see Rogers play last night, and, you know, for the most part, they were okay. Pittsburgh's not going to beat many of those better AFC teams once the playoffs begin, but they'll make the playoffs likely, and I suppose anything can happen. Viking's linebacker Jonathan Grenard will miss the remainder of the season because of a left. a left shoulder injury.

That's according to troubled head coach, Kiki O'Connor. Dude's been beat up for a couple of weeks. His shoulder finally gave way Sunday night while playing the cowboys. Says here, Granard should be at full strength by the start of next season, which is good because the Vikings will need guys like him in order to make that trade for Joe Burra. Yeah. Yeah.

I would do that trade. Yeah, they're going to need healthy athletes in order to make that trade for Joe Burra. You buying that one, see Willie Miles? Absolutely. You'd make that trade? I'd make that trade plus some cigars for Joe. He does seem pretty miserable there. Is he not happy in Ohio?

He could use a hug. He's in Cincinnati, man. There's nothing happy about Cincinnati. He's been playing with a bad defense for a kid. couple of years? Oh, yeah, for sure. My God. And I know he got hurt a lot, but I read through the whole list of injuries that he's had in his career, everything from every legament in his knee getting shattered, the turf toe, the elbow, like everything. He's got a little bit of everything. Problems with his elbow. Elbow. I didn't know he was so beat up. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know,

terrible teams are going to start setting guys down now so they don't end up killed dead. Right. In the last meaningless two, three weeks of the season, Washington Commodore's quarterback Jaden Daniels is all done. Two bad things went sideways on him this season because he was a lot of fun to watch. Yeah, that whole organization was like super excited for the season after what happened last year. It just never happened. It just never got off the ground. Dude was offensive rookie of the year last year.

The Commodores were terrific. This year's been a giant sandwich for Daniels and his team. You know, we don't always talk about it because it's just so frigging stupid. But it can be fun now and again to watch fully grown adults get in spastic little fights at NFL ball games. And here's a video you might dig. I imagine it's up on our website 93x.com. Well, tell me in a minute here, Ashley. A gal tried to kick another gal.

Yeah, this is up. Up on our website. A gal tried to kick another gal in the stands at the Rams Lions game on Sunday. This little gal. She missed her kick attempt. She got all kittywampus off balance and fell down two rows of empty seats. And it was all caught on somebody's cellular telephone video. She can take a beating.

That's for sure. This is so good. That looked very painful, but she got up quick. I can't imagine how embarrassing that was more than anything. Tough to come back from that. Oh, yeah, she looked ridiculous. That's just adrenaline. She'll feel it.

Adrenaline, kicked in, killed the pain. Right. Adrenaline and alcohol. She's feeling it now. Exactly. Social media is having a laugh at her expense. It was a typical scene. Ashley and C. Willie are watching the video.

Is that pretty prudous? Over and over. Yeah, it's pretty entertaining. Her trying to kick. Oh, man. All she saw was break sky, break sky. That's a weak kick, too. That wasn't going to hurt anybody.

Disasterous missed kick. It was weak also. I don't think she was going to do any damage with that little karate. Terrible roots. I don't know what makes people get that way, man. You know what? It's the booze. When I go to games, if you can't put me in a suite,

I don't like sitting out there with the pores. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's going to happen, you know, it's always somebody standing up. The pores. I mean, you know. I'm sorry. You're not wrong.

All right. It's kind of boozy, wasn't it? A little? No. You're accustomed to a certain lifestyle. This is true. You know what I mean? It's like you get that way sometime and you wonder, that's like sitting in coach in the air, you know, on the plane.

I don't do that no more. You're accustomed to a certain. I don't want to go back there behind that curtain. I don't want to do people. That is where things happen. You are correct. Right. It didn't pay full fair.

You don't never see anybody getting kicked out of first class. You're accustomed to a certain class of people. Right. After all of your success, you can no longer stomach sitting with the pores at a ballgame. You got to be in a suite. I'll greet you, shake your hand there. But after that, you need to go your way and I need to go on.

That's when you get the hand sanitizer right away. You don't want to get any of the. that poor on you? You can get poor on you? Yeah. I grew up poor and pretty much stayed that way. Have I gotten any on you? Yeah.

You're drenched in it, Josh. I'm so sorry. Sometimes we can smell it on you. We can smell the poor on you. You're a classy poor. Yeah. Like, you wouldn't know you poor by looking at you. That's nice of you to say.

How you act. You don't act poor. But Josh is a lot more red. than he leads on. Yeah, but he's a good actor. He's got old tattoos he's ashamed of. He drives a big lifted truck. He lives in Egan.

Yeah, I grew up. You're a lot more redneck. All the signs are there. But your personality, your gentleness. The gentleness, the kindness that you exude says that you're not a redneck, but you have some redneck qualities. Oh, plenty. I mean, my family are mostly criminals. cops, military men and women, and rednecks.

Yeah. Got a little bit of everything. Mine's all of that except not redneck, their hood. You know what I mean? But I'm just saying, and I treat them the same. Going home to see family? Do you mean the pores? I'm going home to see the poorest.

See Willie. Back to football. You may have offended some people this morning, but you speak the truth. It is a whole different way. world when you get your carcass into one of those sweets. Absolutely. It's food there, man.

It does make it tough to go back to a regular seat and a regular row with a bunch of strangers. It really does. Talk to us, Randy Shaver. You know that's the truth. Sure. I don't disagree. And I will say, Josh has spent a good part of his life trying to hide his poor. Howdy, I think they saw my poor today.

Right. I, you know, we've been lucky enough to sit in a couple of suites over the years. You know, it's usually reserved for clients, but if they got an open seat in there, the company will let us sit in our suite. And what I like best is the proximity to the bathroom. And the bathroom is almost never as busy. Exactly. That part's my favorite part.

You're talking about the bathroom in the suite? Yeah. And there's usually places to sit. Oh, yeah. Some of the suites we've had here at the radio station have a bathroom in it. Oh, I haven't seen that. Sometimes. The old Target Center one had a suite.

Oh, I was never in that one. Oh, but yes, usually it's close to a bathroom. The seats like Ashley, you can sit during a concert. And you can still see it all. That does. I try not to like sound douchy when I say it, but I'm sure it comes up. See Willie already won that award for the morning. But yeah, that is incredibly hard going from a suite to then floor tickets.

It is. Like I can't help it. I just doesn't hit. the same. And they roll food in there, man. Yeah. You roll big old buffet in there and then also the buffet of desserts come in there. And you're at proximity to

food and drink and bathroom. And then when you leave, you don't you know, you leave out of different gate, different door. You don't even have to. Yeah, it's easier to get out of the place. Absolutely. You don't have to rub elbows with those poor folks. All my friends, all my friends, they

know me. I'm just, I'm kidding. Maybe. Of course. But it is a beautiful thing when you get into a sweet. You know, when they get invited, you know, like I've been to a lot of Vikings game. And I'm not trying to, I'm not name dropping, but I get a lot of, I get a lot of offers to show up to stuff, you know. And I know people want me to do stuff for free eventually, but they can invite me to stuff. So, but I mean, this is, you know, my wife and I get to go to a lot of free Viking games, concerts. But if it's not in a suite or if I'm, hey, the temple will.

If I'm not in like the second or third row, don't call me. Don't offer me up tickets. I already, I can afford the $17 tickets. I don't care. Put me down there in the $786, you know, a game ticket seat. Then I'll show up. But for free, you're not going to pay seven. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You expect. I got an 80s TV at home, man. I'm going to travel down there. It's cold outside. Talk to me, Randy. travel down there? Yeah. I want to travel down there.

It's cold. I want VIP parking. You put me someplace warm. Yeah. I want to eat in that Lexus Club, that food. I don't know if you ever eaten there or not, but that is top-level chef food. It's wonderful. Is that the Target Center?

Oh, yeah. Nick and I were lucky enough to do that. Pull up, maybe park your car. That's what I want. If you ain't having me doing that, then, you know. Don't even ask. Don't ask. Because I got an 80-inch TV.

That game looks good right on my TV. But if I can sit right there behind. the scores table. What, bring you food and drink? Nick, do you agree with this from Ramtuckie Sheezus? You have experience here. You know, maybe you do as well.

I didn't even think about it, see, Willie. Try flying private. You'll never want to fly commercial again. Oh, my God. Well, this is true. I had... You almost like died flying private, didn't you? I'm the wrong guy to ask because when I flew private,

we almost died a couple of times. Wow. One time, one of the engines blew up right after we took off out of Mississippi and we had to spin around and have an emergency landing with 18 fire trucks and 11 and a half ambulances they're waiting for us to die on contact. You do hear a lot more like stories about people

in smaller planes crashing. And then also we lost just me and the pilot, by the way, see Willie Miles, me and this old shaky chain smoking pilot. Just me and him. He lost cabin pressure and we had to scream as fast as possible towards the earth to regain cabin pressure.

So I'm not the guy to... See, Willie Miles, I put an oxygen mask over my dog's face to keep the both of us a lot. So I'm not the guy to ask about private airplanes. You had a different experience? Yeah, very different. Matter of fact, I'm flying private on Thursday. But no, I've never had that.

They don't generally do that on the G-5s. I'm not sure what G you were in. I don't know what kind of G I was in. I was only on a C. I didn't even know they went to G, much less five. It was really cool. He was in the Gali G. G.

fancy schmancy, but that some bitch didn't work very well. Wow. On two occasions. Never had that. I've done it several, well, plenty of times, but I've never experienced any bad mojo or nothing like that, man. Seaworthy security and everything when you, with, is that one of the advantages of a private plane? We go out to, so when I leave here Thursday, I just go over to St. Paul to Holman.

No, you don't do anything. You just fly to a private jet to private jet. You just walk right on. That is so cool. right on. They drive you right up to the jet. So that is the route to go if you want to smuggle drugs. Uh, no.

Traveling IT, Jesus said he's flown every aircraft from a C-130, a Black Hawk, coach, private first class. Nothing beats a private airplane, especially when there's an open bar. Oh, my gosh. And the best snacks in the world is on private jets. I would like to do that before I die.

You can't even get them in first class or Delta 1. All of that is wonderful. if you don't blow an engine. It's true. And then six months later, lose cabin pressure. When the captain tells you, hey, take as much as you want, we have to restock anyway. My backpack was loaded with like first class. I had a shelf set up at my house that had just like private, we call a private snack area in my pantry.

Wow. I get excited when I'm on the airplane and they're like, oh, do you want an extra snack? this time and they give me an extra little pack of crackers? I'm like, yeah, baby. Gosh, once again, I wish I was a cute blonde. Never been offered something like that. My bad. See, Willie Miles, we knew you were a high roller, but I don't think we ever knew just how high your expectations are. I'm impressed. I've rolled heavy sometimes. Rolling heavy. I'd roll heavy sometimes, but, you know, I've been fortunate in my life and my career. I don't I make no mistake about it.

I got very lucky and blessed, but, you know, that's all coming to the end right now. If I can share one more horror story. Well, not Thursday, but that's a different story. Randy, we call that a soft landing in this industry. Thursday, you'll be riding heavy. I'll be riding heavy. If you don't mind one more horror story from this broken private jet that I wrote on a handful of times. See Willie Miles, Randy Shaver, anyone who's been on a private jet,

did yours have this kind of a setup as I'm a setting in the airplane, almost directly behind the pilot and co-pilot? There was a screen in front of me, a digital screen that showed us how high we were in the sky, how long we've been flying, how long we have until our next destination. You've seen that? I love those. Okay. And the speed of which you're traveling.

So at one point, I think I might have been the only guy on the plane. this time too. And that screen is blinking on and off, which makes me terribly nervous. I'm thinking, okay, there's going to be an electrical fire any minute now, and we're going to die instantly or slowly. The pilot and co-pilot, I can't hear them, but they're obviously in an argument with each other. And they're taking their headphones on and off and kind of screaming at each other, and they're

tapping on the controls in front of them, like tapping a... like you would tap on an old clock radio to get it working again, right? Now, they could have been effing with me, but they never let me in on the joke. Again, that screen in front of me is blinking. Now they both take their headphones off and they've turned backwards towards me. What are you looking at me for? I'm just a passenger. You guys are in control.

And one of them says this with his headphones, you know, off of his ear. He says, the altitude. Do you see the number where it says altitude? We're flying at night, by the way, pitch black. And I say, yeah? And he says, what does it say? And I said, it says 19, 567. Okay, thanks.

And they let me sit there. And think about why I was asked that question. What's happening? And why isn't that information in the cockpit? Right. But that's poor design. That was the, Josh, I'm assuming that was the gauge that they were pounding on to try to get to work again was probably the altitude gate. That seems like an important thing.

Will you check and see if the bathroom door's open? It's causing a drag. Look out the window. How's the landing gear? So I sat and thought about that for the next two and a half hours. Why, with my dog in my lap, why I was asking. That question. All this tells me that not to fly private with you.

This seems like a bad luck. This sounds like a you problem. Yeah, exactly. I am somehow to blame for this? No. It just seems like it follows you. That could be. So true.

Who's on this flight? Nick, okay. Somebody texted it and said, all in getting out of Nick's stories is that if you see him on your plane, exit off very calmly and catch the next one. Yeah, no, you're going to be sitting next to final destination right there. You never know. Check the flight log.

Who's on it? But real quick, before we move on back to sitting in a suite at a ballgame or a concert. Beautiful, comfortable, it's the way to go. It is tough to go back to sitting with, as Seawilly Miles put it earlier, sitting with the pores. But there is, there can be problems. specifically when you bring friends who think that a suite means we are in international waters

and there are no laws and no rules. I've had problems with that before where my pals think, well, this is the 93X suite. You work for 93X. We can do whatever we want, including openly smoking marijuana cigarettes in front of police officers. That was one. night where I had a meltdown.

I said, if you idiots don't put away your frigging joint sticks, I am never going to get another suite for anything again for as long as I work at the radio station. But they just went buck wild. They thought, well, we're above the law. Oh, my gosh. Never mind, officers. We're at 93-A. Oh, okay.

You can't touch me. I'm not poor. Thanks a lot, half-man, half-merzing. I've hosted sweets, too, or I've gotten annoyed with listeners at concerts because they expect, like, there to be gourmet chefs in there and all top shelf booze you could want. And they're like, well, there's no, not any food in here? I'm like, well, no, there's not. You can go buy some food if you want. Well, I thought there's going to be food.

I didn't eat, so. There used to be. Yeah. And then it was like, you have a free suite to a sold-out concert. Can you just be grateful for what you have? Bring a snickers, buddy. I'm not going anywhere for a while. Hot dogs, maybe some popcorn.

My wife has car popcorn, purse, tuna, whatever you want. As she should. She's got snacks. I'm a little weirded out by the purse tuna. It does freak me out a little bit too. If you ever want a snack, she's got it. It's weird. She helped me out once.

I needed a snack, and she's like, oh, I got you covered. What you want? Yeah, didn't she, like, was protein bar or something like that? Randy Shaver, the Boka Raton Bowl, one of the 40 bowl games this season. Yeah, you know that one, Randy, the Boka Raton? No. Oh, is that a new one on you?

No idea. Okay. Everybody wear leisure suits. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, by the way, that was one of the places that I flew to on that broken private jet was Boker Retone. Florida. Yeah. All right.

That game will be played next Tuesday. Louisville versus Toledo is the match up there. Wow. Wow. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. Word is the folks running that show are desperate to get asses in the seats so they don't look ridiculous on national television.

Wow. They're willing to trade a game ticket to the Boca Raton Bowl for a can of beans. Wow. To any swinging D. Bush's baked beans is the sponsor of the ball game. So I guess it says here the game is now officially known as the Bush's Boca Raton Bowl of Bean. God, dang it. So are they asking people to bring Bush's beans to the game?

Correct. Because the company doesn't have enough? No. Because the company doesn't have enough beans. We need more beads. We've sold too many beans. They're trying to get you to buy some beans. We've sold so many beans.

We need to take some of them back. Both of these schools, Toledo and Louisville, are located more than 1,000 miles old. away from Boca Raton, Florida. So it's a bit hard to imagine they're going to sell this some bitch out. Right. Yeah. So Bush's is doing what they can.

They're saying the first 2,000 fans who roll up with a can of their baked beans will get a ticket to the game. As a matter of fact, Josh, this is Josh type stuff here. You'll get a ticket to the MV Bean section of seats. I did appreciate that. MV Bean section, which is right in the end zones. They'll take all the beans and donate them to charity.

The charity's like, awesome. Beans. Beans. More beans. More beans. Perfect. We can use some soup, maybe a vegetable or two. It's unclear, it says here, if the winning coach of this ball game will be soaked in

Bush's baked beans afterwards like we see from the mayonnaise bowl and the... I would think so. That. The hot sauce bowl and the... Oh, really? I do love baked beans. Never want to be covered in them. Yeah, that's just...

Better than mail. No, I think beans is worse, actually. Oh, really? I don't know what. Oh, that thought of that grosses me out. I don't even like when I... The only kind of beans I like are baked beans. I don't like any of the, you know, the ones that you would get in your Mexican food or anything like that.

But even when I, like, open the top, if I accidentally, like, put my finger in them before they get hot. It just almost makes me throw up. Cold baked beans. Yeah. I'll eat them cold. I love them. Not my favorite thing in the entire world.

That's the pouring. You know who I? Yeah, for sure. Your pores are show. Like the army rations. My pores are show? Your pores are show. Cold baked beans

unnerves me. Cold-baked. Beans, the thought of it unsettles me. You know who I always loved Mr. Bean? Hmm. Anyone else? Butter Bean. Butter Bean was good, too.

Mr. Bean at his moments? Did you watch Mr. Bean? Not much. I saw one of his movies. I love that some bitch. He was just in something, I believe it was Mr. Bean. He was just in a movie I watched yesterday. It was pretty good. It was like him versus a baby. Oh, that sounds awful.

Like in a fist fight? I could take it. Yeah, yeah, it was him. I'm not afraid to kick a baby's ass. I want to make that very clear. It was a really good movie. Mr. Bean never said a word. He was very English.

Yeah. One time I saw him park his little car, but he was so close to the other cars that he couldn't get out either door, so he had to climb through the roof. It was hilarious. Mr. Bean could never catch a break. What's his real name again?

Oh, God. Rolling. Yeah. Something like that. I remember him. His favorite movie was in was, oh, God, dang it. I shouldn't even said that now.

It's a Christmas. Love Actually? actually where he's working at the mall and this guy's buying a necklace for his uh for his girlfriend his sidepiece and his yeah and his wife was coming toward him and he was trying to get him to hurry up and that was hans from the the christmas movie uh with uh die hard die hard dana my man he's got you and he was he was the guy that was buying the the jury it was just funny because he was doing all the sparkles and the

Greg cracking open the cinnamon. He's just trying to buy the thing and walk away. And Mr. Bean was doing all the Mr. Bean crap. Rowan, Rowan Atkinson. I love that. I love that. I love him. Here are some people in our listening audience who,

they're kidding, aren't they? They put mayonnaise on cold baked beans. Nobody does that. That can't be right. It's the worst thing I've heard all frigging. What prison were you in? The pigs in Washington, Washington Capitals play here in town tonight. Alexander Ovechkin, that whole thing, of course. Everyone in town is jacking it every chance they get

since the pigs made a trade for that Quinn Hughes kid from Vancouver, falling down, touching themselves. Just like when all-time wild greats Parisian suitor signed up to play for the man-bear pigs all those years ago. People, they're falling down in the street and molesting themselves. It is similar, isn't it? It is. It is.

I mean, the excitement is off the charts for this kid. I don't know much about the kid. A little bit different team than when Perisi and Souter showed up. This team is super ultra-talented and it's got a chance to really do something. You don't think that the pigs were? Well, I think those guys helped that team be a lot better, but I think Hughes walks into a much better situation. I'll go along with it.

I'll go along. Here, because there's already. it baked into this team and all he does is help them raise it to a little bit better level. He's a 26-year-old kid. Is that what I read? He's 26. He's not married yet, is he? He didn't do that yet, did he? Well, I'm not sure. I always get a kick out of these 22, 3-year-old millionaire athletes who go ahead and get married. What the hell does it matter with you? See, that should have been a sign with that J.J. McCarthy right away.

Yeah. Was he 22, 23's got a wife? Maybe he's not married. I don't know. Pigs Capitals tonight. Speaking of the Hughes character, Quinn Hughes, says here he almost missed his debut with the pigs on Sunday because he left all of his gear in British Columbia. Geez. He somehow forgot to get his equipment out of one of his brother's car before hopping on the airplane that brought him over here to Minnesota. So someone had to track down his equipment and then fly it into town Sunday morning and thank you.

He said arrived for puck drop. What a pain in the ass. But I couldn't believe it. He was excited. Yeah, but your gear? Yeah. I mean, that dude, that's like showing up at the golf course with no clubs. Yeah?

You're going to need that. He was pretty pumped. Right. Wasn't thinking straight. Maybe he's a drinking man. I don't know. Maybe he had a few. Probably.

I don't know. I was a catcher when I played softball and my dad bought me all this. My own catcher's gear. It was incredible. And that stuff isn't cheap. And the first tournament I ever brought it to, I forgot it at the field and somebody stole it. Oh, no. Yeah, I felt awful.

He did not buy me new catchers. I bet not. Nope. That's expensive. What was that a couple years ago? There was a high school hockey tournament. They had to cancel because some dope addict stole all the hockey sticks off. Was it Duluth?

Yeah, I think so, Josh. That was hilarious. Not for them. All the hockey sticks. That was it, right? Yeah, it was all the gear. I don't remember exactly what they stole. Oh, I thought it specifically was sticks.

Maybe it was just the sticks. I still think it was their opposing team. Well, both teams. I think it was both teams, maybe. We're unable to play. Tonight is the night, Randy Schaver for the big NBA Cup championship game, by God. Hang on to something. All right.

Who do we got? Carl Anthony Towns and the New York Knickerbockers are facing Victor Wemba Yamba and the San Antonio Spurs. That's right. they beat OKC the other night. Okay. Victor Wemba Yamba.

I think I'm going to have to check that out tonight. So, of course, the ongoing conversation is that this is all meaningless and made up, and all of that is true. Well, yes? It is to a certain point. They are getting paid. That's where I was going with this. Yeah, they are getting paid, so.

Just so you can be reminded of how hard life can be on today's professional athletes. They are playing for something. Each player on tonight's winning team gets a check for over a half a million dollars. Dude. Yeah. Good. Googity goo. That means a lot to those bench guys. You know, the 11th, the 12th guy in the team? That's big money. The losing teams players get a little over 200 grand. Wow. So there's no losers. Not when you put it like that. There are no losers. Not when you put it like. That Cooper flag kid only 18 years old playing for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA last night.

He turned out to be the youngest some bitch in league history to score 40 points in a ball game. Yeah, 18 years old. Crazy. He'll turn 19 on Sunday. But he put up 42 points last night in a loss to the Utah Jazz. That is the challenge for Dallas.

is to figure out a way to build around him because guys like Anthony Davis and Kyrie Irving are good stopgap measures right now. The real challenge for them is to find guys that are going to be around five years from now, 10 years from now. When Cooper's in his supposed peak of his career, does he have talent around him enough

where they're competitive and they're good because otherwise what a waste. The twins hired a veteran first baseman, Josh Bell. They signed them up to a one. What a difference. I mean, really, God, don't you think this is crazy? Two weeks ago, we were talking about completely dismantling the pitching staff and Buxton was going to get traded.

Well. Now all of a sudden, they're adding players. Well, they made that. announcement, right? We mentioned this a week or two ago. You didn't believe it when I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it. And I still don't. They may still make some trades.

But, I mean, you know, Josh Bell's a good player. So. It's not like they don't have the money. Do they have any money? Well, they say they don't. They say they don't have any money. They said they don't have any money. So they dumped all of their other stuff. They've got to have something left. They're your bro lads. You should know.

Do they seem a little more tight? They don't talk to me, much about their bottom line these days. It's a kind of a rude topic. They're a little shy talking about money. Yeah, I bet the Polads wish they were playing in that NBA cup tonight. You make $200 grand just losing the ballgame. Right.

Yeah, so here's the theory, Randy Shaver. Sure, Josh Bell isn't the biggest name free agent of all time, but he's a solid hitter. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The key to this story is that it is a one-year deal. That signals, pardon me? You're going to get that with probably every signing that they make. But the fact that they signed him signals the idea of Byron Buxton,

Joe Ryan, and Pablo Lopez sticking around. Why would the twins sign a guy like Josh Bell to a one-year contract and then trade away other veteran talent? Bell wouldn't be useful in a rebuilding team. Right. That's correct. So that all sounds very nice to me. Anything can happen.

Things can change. That all sounds very nice. Well, I think maybe, you know, at some point, we're going to find out a lot more about the minority partners that have joined the poll ads as part of the ownership group. And once people get a little bit more information about that and kind of see how this is going to work, maybe people won't feel as threatened by what the twins were, you know,

going to do as far as dismantling this thing. team and maybe going back the other direction, which would be great. I think, you know, people want to spend a summer watching a competitive baseball team. I just think that what a – I mean, look at the teams in the national – in the major leagues that Colorado, that don't compete, yet people go to watch them because there's nothing else in the summer to do outside. That's enjoyable watching sports. But it's a lot better when your team is healthy, fun to watch, competitive, all those things. And this Twins team has a chance to be that if they add some pieces. And, you know, I think the fan base is just aching for them to show that they are going to spend money and be competitive.

At least try. What are the sweets like at Target Field, see Willie Miles? It's pretty nice. They are pretty nice. Absolutely. That's one thing that they've done. I've been in a suite once for Target Field, and there was a tornado warning, and they delayed the game for about two, three hours because there was a tornado warning.

Oh, I'd be good and drunk. What's that? Yeah, we went to one together as well. Oh, I forgot. We did. Right. So I've been there twice. No, I remember it was just hot that day. The tornado warning game was fascinating to me.

I'd never been at a game that got delayed because of tornado. activity, mainly because the bulk of my youth, we had that stupid old metrodome and you didn't have to cancel Dick Tracy until the snow came. But the tornado sirens go off. Both teams go racing off the field, and it begins to storm very heavily, including hail, probably about quarter-sized hail. And, okay, storm passes, but the field is covered in hail. They did not let the players come back on the field.

until every single, solitary piece of ice was removed from that ball field. Oh, man. And I thought, come on. I thought it was ridiculous. Twist an ankle out there. Well, the field's got heaters. You think they would have been able to melt it if they wanted to, right? I don't know.

Baseball players are not the toughest characters in the world. Fall on a rock. You're off of your half to season. I just thought it was so ridiculous. You go watch a football game outside. The guys are playing on snow and ice. That's true. We sat there.

They got pads on, though. They do have pads. So there you go. But you're actually complaining even though you were in a suite. Well, baseball, Randy Schaber, this was 15 years ago, 10 years ago? You hear that with he really? He's actually complaining even though you were in a suite. It's boozy.

Maybe I'm also accustomed to that treatment. Right. Baseball games were long enough 13 years ago without an hour and a half extension to that delay to pick up every piece of... Here's another text on the boogie lifestyle. Hello. Sweets. First class airplane rides, private airplane rides. Here's a listener who says the difference between staying in a tent.

and staying in a friggin' RV. Right. You never want to go back to a tent ever again. Yep. Man. I'm telling you, man. It's, uh, I'll never forget the first time I flew, uh, private. And it was just, it was, it was epic.

And to get back and then to go on a regular plane where you had to show somebody a ticket. Oh. Stand in line and just like, ah, wait for your number to get called like your, like, cattle. Yeah. Yeah. It changes you. It changes a man. You know what I mean?

And don't get me wrong, because I came up through the rocks like everybody else. At some point, you know, I know you're trying, and I just want you guys to know to keep trying. You're going to get there. I mean, I'm probably not, but it's all right. No, you're going to get, you just keep trying. I mean, because I didn't think I'd ever get here. I really didn't. And I've been there, and I'm telling you, I'm not going to walk away from her and say, hey, I didn't enjoy it.

And I won't miss it because I'm going to miss it. Hey, Josh, do you think I can be like Sea Willie Miles someday? When I get older, when I grow up? Hide your pores, son. Hide your pores. This particular listener was texting in about the difference between tenting at Brainer International Raceway during the drag races, the difference between tenting that weekend and staying in an RV.

I've done both. Right. And I mean, yeah. You never want to go. back to that tent again. Hey, that's like a regular room in a hotel and then having the suite. Right. Like up on the concierge floor. Like, that's how I roll. I remember sleeping in my tent up at BIR and it's just a horrible thunderstorm sweeps through. But here's the good news. I got lucky. I don't know why, but my tent was tougher than nails. There was not a single drop of water in that pig when I woke

up the next morning. The guy tent next to me in his own tent was in about three and a half feet of water. Jeez. Gross. And the dumb bastard didn't put his overnight bag in the truck. He kept it in the tent with him. Oh, no. So he didn't have underwear, socks,

nothing. Lord. That's not planning to hear. See, that's what happened when you hang out with pores. There's no plan. They don't got no plan. No plan. No plan. He didn't want it bad enough. There you go, Randy. Thanks, brother.

Shaver. We're still friends. You've been pretty quiet during this conversation about, you know, high roll in lifestyles, even though we know you know everything there is about it. I'm not saying the word. Savor. He rolls heavy. You know what Randy is, don't you, Josh? He's one of those fancy lads.

Oh, he is one of the fancy lads. Yeah, what movie, Cabin Boy. That's so good. Chris Elliott. What year? I don't remember. Thanks, Randy. See you tomorrow.

We'll be back. here in a few minutes more from C. Willie Miles when we return. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get

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And it spells relief for you. Full Send Golf. You guys know how much I really, really love golf. I think every week would be dope to post on the Golf Channel. I want to get a lot of guests on here. B-A-L-E-N-A-L-L-E-N-A-L-L-D-E-N-A-L-L-D-E-N-O-L-D-E-L-D-E-L-E-L-G-E-L-G-E-L-GOLs. I was like, let's go to the golf course. So what are we putting on it?

We said 10K, right? 10K? All right? We probably bet more than all the other golf channels, right? 10K, 9 holes. Those guys bet for, like, cookies. It's like I'm going to shank it. This guy's been trading like a Navy seal when it comes to golf.

I'm very, very excited. You excited? Yeah. Bullsen golf. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Half-assed morning show. 93X. It's unbelievable.

It is. It's unbelievable. Hell of a deal we got going here. Welcome back to the half-ass morning show. See Willie Miles. a world-class entertainer with a first-class lifestyle. He's in studio with us. With us, poor folks.

How you've been, C. Willie Miles? Thanks for everything last Saturday at the station, helping out with the amateur bartending Toys Per Tots show. That was awesome. How are you behind the bar? I was pretty decent, man. It came back. I actually went on Sunday to get a massage from my shoulder.

So, you know, holding those bottles. It's been 30-some out of years since I bartend. So I had to get that shoulder rubbed down. We got thank yous emailed to us from the stanchion, and yesterday we made it very clear how much we appreciate them having us last Saturday night at the station. See, William Miles was a natural behind the bar. So natural at one point of another,

he was dancing to a song that kept saying something about wobbling. Wobble, baby, wobble, baby. Yeah. Oh, is that like an older song? Yeah. Okay, I think I've heard that. There was a song. I was getting it, baby.

I was getting it down. At the bar about wobbling and see Willie Miles with his skills even took the time to dance a little bit while serving drinks. I thought it was very. I was having a blast. Thanks to all the 93X fans that came up and high-fired me and convinced me to do that. Mm-hmm. I appreciate you. You were great.

A couple of guys. I served a lot of drinks that night. Yes. did. Hey, see Willie Miles, you know what people like to argue about this time of year? Presents. Sure. That could be. Family.

What people like to argue about this time of year? What is a Christmas movie and what is not? Do you care? I do care. You do? I do. Well, that's great. Right.

I'm looking for those who care. Absolutely. Because what I have here are the 14. movies that are at the center of this fierce. Is this a Christmas movie or not debate? Right. See Willie Miles is into it. Is there anyone else here on the program ski who has a very direct opinion on any of the movies?

Before I get to the list, are there any movies that you'd like to declare certainly is or certainly is not a Christmas movie? Anything that has Santa or Christmas in the title is, yeah, absolutely, Christmas movie. Well, if it has Santa or Christmas in the title, yeah, that's obvious. I hate when I'll go to like the Christmas movie section on whatever streaming service I'm looking at, and then they'll throw a movie on there that just doesn't make any sense at all. Like there's one scene where it's Christmas or winter, it doesn't count. It has to be the whole movie. But yet it has Christmas or Santa in the title?

No, no, no, these are ones that don't. I'm confused. At any rate, let's get this out there. Let's get it over with before any more trouble starts and see what route everybody takes here, the 14 movies that are at the center of this fierce. Is this a Christmas movie or not debate? I wonder if there's any text messages coming in already.

There's a couple, yeah. Like social anxiety, Jesus said, there's a Christmas tree at the police station in Rambo, so technically Rambo is a Christmas movie. Absolutely. I kind of think if there's Christmas involved in the movie, I'll consider it a Christmas. No, I don't think so.

Like Rocky Four, a Christmas movie. Like there's one of the Harry Potter movies. It's around Christmas time, and there's a Christmas, like, scene. It's not the whole entire movie. And people consider that a Christmas movie. I don't know. So you're saying, again, I'm sorry,

I got a little lost with your prior statement. You're saying the movie, the plot of the movie better be all about Christmas. It must be at least part of the theme of the movie or it's not a Christmas movie at all. Yes. Okay. So, I mean, the diehard debate every year. I'll consider that a Christmas movie. I'll consider lethal weapon of Christmas movie.

She needs it to be front to back, top to bottom. Yes. It has to make me want to go bake Christmas cookies and drink hot chocolate and look at lights. Okay. Dang. I understand what you're saying. I'm a little more lax on it, I guess. There's a Christmas tree in, what was it?

First Blood? Rambo? That's right. That's funny. What about somebody says bad Santa, Ashley? Would you consider that a Christmas movie? Yeah, I'd consider that a Christmas movie. Santa in the title.

There's no argument there. It's all about a Santa Claus guy, right? Yeah. Working at a mall during Christmas. Right. All right. Someone said something about Harry Potter. and that's the first. Ashley did.

Yeah. Harry Potter is what you, that's like Halloween vibes. Okay, this, this is one of the movies everyone's screaming at each other about. Every Harry Potter film has Christmas elements, especially the first one, where Harry stays at Hogwarts. Am I saying this correctly? Hog war. Harts. Warts. For the holidays, it enjoys a Christmas. feast and the argument here is that

they always show Harry Potter films around the holidays. That's why I consider them Christmas movies because you can't turn on a channel, any channel I don't see a Harry Potter movie in the month of December. Is that right? But actually you'd say no. No, I'd say no. I don't know, I guess I it's just a feeling I get, but I always watch them in October. It's more like a

Halloween vibe to me. Die hard, right? That's the one that started this nonsense. Right? Right? This is the one that's what everybody fights about. Yeah. Are you humming a Christmas Carol? Hey man, that was from the run DMC. Oh, that was, don't tell me. In Hollis Queens.

That's right. Right. That's in the movie. It's a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas song. Ashley, you're saying no. Atheist Jesus disagrees about just because there's Christmas taking place in a movie, it makes it a Christmas movie.

He said, if human centipede took place at the end of December, and one day was Christmas, that does not make it a Christmas movie. What do you get your human centipede for Christmas? Well, I don't know. I mean, the guy up front is passing along gifts to everybody else. It sure is. What do you get a human centipede for Christmas? That's the toughest freaking question I've ever been answered.

What a burn? What's it? I'm sorry? Corn? Oh, God. Why would a human centipede want corn that would make it twice as miserable? What if the first one in the human centipede, what if he's got little reindeer ears on and a red nose? Then is it a Christmas movie?

Answer me that, atheist Jesus. Gremlin's, uh, happens around Christmas. As a matter of fact, the little, the little tiny bear, whatever he is. He was a Christmas present, right? Yeah, Gizmo. Yeah, Gizmo, right. Trading places. Some of these have been argued for decades.

lethal weapon, trading places. Trading Place is one of those movies where when I was a kid, I thought it was just the funniest thing in the world. Now, when I watch it as an adult, I don't really know what I was so fired up about, but I don't know. Eddie Murphy's brilliant,

of course, but I just don't. It just doesn't hit me the same. I just watched it the other night. Jamie Lee Curtis's jug still hit me this. Uncle Puckbag, Jesus said, if there was a Christmas-themed human centipede, it would be called human Santa Pete. There you go. There you go.

Is Santa the one who's torturing the humans? Yeah. The nightmare before Christmas. People are adamant. This is a Christmas movie, not a Halloween movie. Jack Skellington's entire mission is to spread Christmas cheer. And the word Christmas is in the friggin title. I've never seen it.

I can't see it. It's shocking you haven't seen that movie. Yeah, I know. Like I've said before, people assume I've seen it and I get a lot of gifts themed after it, but never seen it. Wow. It seems like it was made for you. That's what I've heard. Seems like you should watch it.

I know. I just, I got to get around to it. There are signs. I'll wait for Halloween because it seems like a Halloween movie. Batman Returns. I have a friend who's family. They watch Batman Returns every Christmas. It's their Christmas tradition.

That's cute. A few people have texted that in saying that's definitely a Christmas movie. Yeah, the whole family gathers around the TV. You've been watched The Penguin, Eat Raw Fish. I'll go along with it. I'll go along with it because I don't really care what's a Christmas movie and what is not. Yeah, I'm with you on that. I never saw it.

Batman goes ahead and returns. Is that where the one were with Mr. Freeze in it? No. No. Oh, that's a different one. That was Batman and Robin. Mr. Mr. Freeze.

That was a tough one to watch. Even as a kid, you're like, wow, this sucks. Eyes wide shut. That's the biggest swinger party one, right? I barely remember that movie. I remember feeling weird. I've watched it a few times. I find it to be just so strange that I can't get enough of it, you know?

Light porn. All right, kids, gather around the TV. We're watching eyes wide shut. Retired Air Force Jesus has a question. Would porn count? Like if you watch the movie Dick the Halls and it's Christmas themed? 100%. That counts?

Of course. The title is a reference to, yes. Of course, when you're watching Dick the Halls, you're watching a Christmas movie. movie. And he needs to wear a hat. Kiss, kiss, bang, bang. What are we going back to the 50s here? I don't know. I don't know what the other. Oh, no, there wasn't Brad Pitt in that or something?

Oh, I haven't seen it. Maybe I'm thinking of chitty, chitty, chitty bang, bang. Yeah, kiss, kiss, bang, bang. Edward and his scissor hands. I saw it as a kid and never saw it again. Yeah, I haven't seen that. Never saw it. Edward's scissor hands? No. Oh, it's great. But I was freaked me out.

But, I mean, you're the one who started the porn conversation. I have seen. I did watch Edward Petus Hands when I was, I think, a 19. 10 penises? 18, 19 year old kid, yeah. Wow. 10 women. I'd like to meet him.

Very talented individual. Ashley will be taking two for herself. Well, this is funny. The Rambo thing actually made this report, Josh. You brought it up a few minutes ago. Yeah, it's on there. One scene has a Christmas tree in it. And people want to call...

This is the only thing you'd ever maybe get me fired up about. This is the first I've ever heard someone call Rocky, the original Rocky, a Christmas movie. It does center around the holiday season. Does he not fight Apollo Creed on New Year's Day or something? Apollo Creed had a Christmas hat on. Did he? In the fight? It wasn't on Christmas, was it?

I thought it was New Year's Day. It doesn't matter. I've never heard Rocky. get thrown into this conversation. A few people have text that in. Josh's mom's master, Jesus says, what about the Passion of the Christ? Is that a Christmas movie?

Well, that be more of an Easter movie, would it not? Yeah, that's Easter. That good movie, but a tough watch. Well, you got to have a high tolerance for... Boy, can Jesus take a beating? The other movies mentioned here, these are the movies that are that create the fiercest

arguments on is this a Christmas a Christmas movie or not I don't know what Hook is and I don't know what Iron Man 3 is but they both Hook was the oh my gosh why can't

Robert Williams Robin Williams Yeah that was the kid from here was the star Yeah Never even heard of it Yeah you're too young It came on when I was a kid Oh, yeah.

We'll argue about this kind of thing. See Willie Miles until the day that we die. Snowmobile Jesus said his, quote, dumb-ass brother-in-law argues every Christmas, home alone is not a Christmas movie. What? Wow. I want to know his...

Yeah. What is his reasoning? I couldn't help you. Never saw it. I think that's just what we learned about the other week, rage baiting. I think he's just trying to get people going. Oh, you know what?

You're probably right. You always got to keep that in mind. Or at least I've tried to keep that in mind since we first talked about it a week ago or so, rage baiting. Right. That's all those sports talk to bait shows are these days. It's just, what can I say that's going to get people the most riled up? If Home Alone, one or two, not a Christmas movie, then none of this makes sense. Somebody's yelling at us saying, you're forgetting about Scrooge.

No, it's movies that are on the fringe. That is a Christmas movie. That's a full-on Christmas movie. So is the Grinch. I'm sorry. Right. Yeah, I love Scrooge. This person really, yeah, this person really liked Scrooge.

It's great. It was terrible. No, no, it wasn't. Human Santa Pede. Now I got to see this friggin' movie get made. By the way, that's got to be the title of today's podcast. Yeah. Oh, I already wrote that down.

Did you go? Human Centipede. Human Santapede. What if Josh, after Santa Claus, you know, puts together all of his grotesque human centipedes, he then ties him up to that sleigh and makes them drag him from house to house. Right? Isn't that how it should play itself out? That would be pretty funny.

It's going to take a while. God. I can't believe. You guys watched that movie, right? Yeah. I can't believe it. Not all of it. Yeah, I can't even imagine.

I took breaks. I didn't come back to the sequels. I took breaks. Yeah. to take a break. Hilarious. Yeah. It's tough.

I thought, well, you know, everyone's talking about it. They made it difficult to watch. And I mean, I knew what was going to happen going into it. You're just like, oh, oh, here we go. Oh, that person's going to be, oh. Even the South Park episode can be a little tough to watch. Oh, human centipass. You got to read the fine print in iTunes.

Do you want paste or cuddled fish? Someone says there's a, they go to a critical. Christmas party in the movie Backdraft. Oh, I don't remember. Oh, no. So now it's officially a... I'll count it. Actually, I guess I didn't realize

how many people shared your point of view. This is not a conversation I ever have, but there are plenty of people who agree with you. What you stated earlier. Christmas better be the overall theme of the movie or it's not a damn Christmas movie. You can't just have one scene or one character. It has to.

Because, I mean, there's plenty of TV series where eventually there will be, you know, a Christmas episode that doesn't make all of Bob's burgers a Christmas TV show. That's a good one to rage bait people with it. Yeah, it's a Christmas show. They had a Christmas episode. Sure. You're right, all those. Bob's Burgers, huh?

That's the one you went with. Totally know what you're saying. I was just watching it yesterday. But it's still something that, like, a lot of people would watch it. Like, die hard, you know? That seems to be the most polarizing one. Exactly. People still watch it.

What does he command his men to shoot, Josh? The glass. Shoot the glass. Hell of a movie. Hell of a movie. The Half-Ass Morning Show, 93X. Yeah, The Half-Ass Morning Show with C Willie Miles. Ready to cut out of here any minute.

We were having a conversation about Christmas movies. A listener came up with a morbid idea for a Christmas movie. He called it Human Santepede. Now, how about this? Another listener I think has come up with the ultimate. Sant Elphapede.

It's called Sant Elphapede. In the plot of the movie, Santa Claus turns on his loyal elves. He enslaves them, he tortures them, he brainwashes them, he creates his grotesque alphapedes and turns them loose on the

bad children. There's a Weird Al song kind of similar to that, called the Night Santa Win Crazy. Oh, yeah. Where he just finally has enough and snaps and is killing the reindeer and, you know, shooting elves and stuff. It's pretty funny stuff. What can't Weird Al do? I know.

I remember that one. Josh, of course, die hard is always a big part of the Christmas movie argument. A listener sent a picture. This is, the listener, by the way, is Jerry the King Lawler is the one true king. Jesus. He sent a picture of his diehard advent calendar. Oh, that's cool. It's the one, the Nakatomi Tower. It's the tower. It's the tower. And he says, we've only got 10 more days until Hans falls to his death. Yeah, I love that thing where he's like each day you move him a little closer to certain death. Dude. That's crazy. Yeah, never seen anything like that before in my life.

Yeah, that's cool. I've seen that one before. Oh, see Willie Miles. Yes, sir. Did you know in a place called Catalonia, kids beat a smiling log on Christmas? They beat a log with sticks so it will poop presents? Never heard of it. I think you bring that over here. I had heard of that once before. I'd like to see it.

That's their Christmas tradition. Be it a log into it poop's presents. Right. Oh, I miss it. something. A pinata, basically. Yeah, like a pinata. It's a smiling log.

It's a happy log. They just want to beat it. And they beat it into oblivion so it will poop. Presents. Still smiling. What about in Japan? Do you know what their Christmas dinner is in Japan? Sushi.

No. Who knows the answer? Because this has been a thing lately. Josh. Kentucky fried chicken. Kentucky fried chicken. Man, I do some KFC on Christmas. That sounds awesome.

It doesn't matter the day. No. It's always a special day with KFC. They don't go with the turkey. They don't go with the ham. They go with the KF to the damn C. Apparently this started in the 1970s, some brilliant ad campaign. Wow.

Convinced everyone in Japan to go ahead with the KFC. They usually don't eat bad food like that. Yeah, they're pretty healthy over there. Are they? I guess I didn't know. Yeah. Well, I always thought that things like fried rice and whatnot weren't so good for you. Oh, no, not the way they cook it.

The way we cook it is bad. Okay. Never been. Yeah. Now, Japanese people pre-order buckets of chicken weeks in advance to Christmas. Wow. Blessing. In Iceland, they have a Christmas cat that eats people.

It's a tiger. That's just a tiger. I'm not sure how to tell them, man. Somebody let him went out to Zoom. In Iceland, they have a Christmas cat that eats people who don't get new clothes

for Christmas. Is that just so, like, kids don't complain about getting clothes for Christmas? That's exactly what that is. I get it, son. Nobody wants to get clothes for Christmas, but you don't want that Christmas cat to eat your ass out. You don't want to complain.

Don't want nobody to know that you didn't get nothing. Just saving your life. That's got to be it, Josh. That's something to train the kids into reacting positively when they receive clothes for Christmas. Hey, we used to be told like, Santa's watching you. You're not going to get anything. He's watching you. And he'd be like, oh, man, right around December.

Like, why does he always start watching me around December? Yeah, true. I get some pretty bad stuff in June. Right. He didn't see that at all. Can you look the other way for a second, Santa? I'm about to throw him some eggs at this house. Better go to bed.

He ain't coming. If you were up, if he sees you up, he's not leaving anything. Oh, yeah, the threat of no presence are getting coal. Right. There were some years where I'm like, oh, God, I don't know how this is going to go. Yeah, I can't go either way. I remember being very stressed out about that. See, Willie, sometimes that backfires, though, if you say, like, oh, he's not going to come if you're still awake.

Last year, my nephews were kicking my whole family out of their house once, like, 7 p.m. hit. We still had more to do, more games to play, and they were like, you have to leave. because we had the Santa Tracker on. Right. And they're like, he's in Florida right now. You got to get out of here. Santa's being tracked. I love that Santa Tracker.

Yeah, it's cool. Oh, it's crazy. See Willie Miles. Sir. If we don't get a chance to see you before Christmas, right? Please tell you and yours that we wish nothing but the best upon them. Have a great Christmas.

If we don't see you, I don't know. I don't think we will get a chance. Probably not. No. I don't think so. Probably not. So thanks for everything as usual and have a great. Maybe we'll see you before the new year, but Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas to you all and all the listeners out there. Thank you so much for this beautiful 2025. I had a great year and you guys was a huge part of it. So thank you very much. Well, that's good to hear. You bet. Love that. Matt, the Machine Jesus and 34 butt cheeks Jesus.

Text the Luther Bloomington Kia Text line to say, happy birthday to their mom, Karen, turning 75 today. and happy belated birthday to pity Q barbecue Jesus from metal grinding deburring Jesus. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too.

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