93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Man VS Chimpanzee FIGHT TO THE DEATH

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

Originally Aired  September 10, 2026: Veterinarian Doctor Andrea answers pet questions. Drug dealer diary. Everything you've ever wanted to know about dogs that are bred to fight testicles.    Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I know you're excited for the show, so let's just get right down to Brass Tax. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 and save $140. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93x to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. online at standardheeding.com.

Enjoy the show. The 93x morning show. 903. Oh, I know, I know. We got to get going. We got to get in there. Get involved in this year

live broadcast. Welcome everyone to the 93X half ass morning show. We welcome every damn buddy. And we hope you're doing just wonderful. Just wonderful this morning. First off, first and foremost, we got to straighten out a small issue.

It ain't no big thing, but we do want to know who we're dealing with out there in our listening audience. So for that reason, it's got to be dealt with. A listener has texted in to inform us of a slight change. He says, I am no longer pool guy, Jesus. I recognize pool guy Jesus. Do you? Yeah. I am no longer pool guy.

Jesus, I am no longer second shift welder, Jesus. You can call me Weldy McWeld Face. Jesus. I bet that's that great with you. You love that bit. What's my favorite? Yeah, it is his favorite. Absolutely.

Thanks, Dana McDena Face. Welding is so cool. Yeah. I wish I could do that. It's scary, though. That's quite the talent. And sometimes you get those really cool face masks. Oh, dude, I was literally just.

going to say that. The ones that are, they have like flames on them. Yeah. It's cool. It's like a goalie mask. My dad has a cool one. Oh, he's a welder?

He's just done it in his life. So he, yeah, he, uh, has like redone Harleys a couple times. So I've done some soldering. Am I basically a welder at that point? Basically, yeah. Essentially. Well, yeah. I mean, similar to yesterday when you,

we again got onto the conversation of your career in the Citizens Academy and you noted that That's just one step shy of SEAL Team 6. It's the path. Right. It's the path that they all take. Sottering, a couple of things. Maybe like, I'm going to take a guess, Josh, when you ran a soldering iron, were you fixing a guitar?

Once I fixed the first time, yeah. I've done it a couple times with, like, little electronics. And it's not pretty. I mean, the people that are good at welding, it's incredible how smooth they can make that stuff, or how quick they can do it. I only had that guess in mind because, back when I used to play in a chicken dick high school rock band. Every once in a while, one of our guitar players would be soldering something on their guitars.

And I never bothered asking them what they were doing because... Pickups. Likely the pickups. The pickups on that you got to... The thank you smells like trees, Jesus. The helmets, quote unquote, that welders use are called hoods. Hmm. Now let me ask you welders out there.

has every damn last one of you encountered a new guy on the job who was welding without the hood? Go ahead and text us, 651, 989, 93. Sounds like cooking bacon without his shirt on. Yeah, I can't, you go blind. Have all of you confronted that new guy or came around the corner and said, Jesus, balls, what are you doing? where they're welding without the hood. Because the fellers that I know who weld every day,

or it's a small part of a broader series of responsibilities at their workplace, they all have a new guy welding without the hood story. I've got a couple of uncles and one of my cousins does it. I'll have to ask them if they have one of those stories. My cousin was one of those guys that he always had his hood, some sort of cool graphics on it and stuff. like that. I remember getting yelled at by my dad when he was doing it. And then my mom also get involved, like yelling at him for allowing me to be too close. And he's like, it's her

fault. She's getting too close. Don't look at this. You cannot look at this. Turn away. Whisko Welder Jesus said he could send us a picture right now of guys or he's, quote, some idiot without his hood. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, I remember. Sketchy. I remember, I can't remember who it was, one of my tough guy bros who has a real job, came around the corner and new guy was just throwing sparks like a sum bitch with that hood up on top of his head instead of over his face. And the kid did not understand what he was doing wrong. And from what I remember, the new guy, he had some headaches there for a couple three days.

I had imagined. He was unable to come to work for a couple three days because of just blaring, just near fatal headaches. Two sets of twins, Jesus said sandburn is something you only give yourself once from not wearing a hood. It hurts like a bastard. Now, Josh, be careful with that solder and iron now if you're ever repairing the pickups on your guitar in the near future. By the way, just real quick, sorry to interrupt. Somebody didn't understand the sarcasm when we were joking that I'm basically, a welder from soldering once.

Yeah, it's obviously a job. There's always a few people out there who are unable to read sarcasm and they're not our problem. Be careful because that's how my dad lost one of his fingers. Oh, soldering iron? He soldered the tip of his finger. Oh, I can't even imagine. I've touched just the side of it

once in that side. He went, that was the noise he made. He was trying to repair his garage opener sensor. And he zapped himself with the soldering iron. Right on the tip of one of his fingers. CO2 delivery driver Jesus sent in a picture of his custom-made hood.

Pretty sweet, man. American flag? Looking good. Gotcha. Of course, you know, being an older, tough guy, you know, the old man, he, uh, go to the doctor. Why? All I did was solder one of my fingers. There ain't no reason to go to the, and it just got.

uglier and uglier and uglier and then he finally went to the you know a lot of guys have this problem we just were too tough to go to the and then he finally walked into the doctor's office and said jesus i can't sleep it's just look at the this and the doctor said what the living hell that why didn't you come to the emergency you soldered your thing and then they said uh well there's uh two choices here for you we can plug you into uh an iv right Like Ashley said, it was wildly infected. Oh, my God, I bet it smelled gross. It looked like he had been living in the jungle for six months.

They said either will stab you in the arm with one of those IVs, and you've got to drag that around the house for two weeks, and it'll clear up the infection. They said, we can do that, or we can cut it off. And he said, cut it off. He's done it all. What, I got to walk around the house with a thing, like an IV? God, forbid.

He said, no, I'm not doing that. Get out a knife, cut it off. I'm a tough, so they cut it off for them. Question. Yes. Should I bring in my soldering iron tomorrow and we can just have an arts and crafts day? We can solder some stuff together. That sounds lovely.

Ashley, I bet you'd be very good at it. I would love to do that. That sounds like a lot of fun. I would love to watch. Watch your work, absolutely. All right. Anyone here ever considered going ahead with that silly skydiving? No.

I had an opportunity once, and it was a really cool opportunity. a friend of mine was associated with the Golden Knights, you know, one of the more famous parachuting teams. Sure. And he said, hey, you know, I could get you on a plane and you could jump with these guys. You were a young man, I would imagine? Yeah, this, yeah, easily.

20s some years ago, yeah. And, you know, I felt like a chicken. Definitely like, that's the kind of, I mean, what an opportunity that was. And it was not lost on me that there was an incredible opportunity, but I just was too scared to do it, quite honestly. I never took even the slightest interest in skydiving. I'm not by any stretch a thrill seeker, and I don't feel like I have anything to prove to anybody.

I would definitely do it. Okay. Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun. Even after I watched my high school boyfriend, he died? I bought him. No. Squishy? No, he did it.

But, so I bought him like a skydiving. anything for his 18th birthday or whatever, whatever age it is where you have to be to go skydiving. And when he went, I was like, yeah, 18, 21, I don't know anymore, but I was sitting on like a lawn chair and you just wait for the planes to come by and for the people to jump out. And I was like, oh, yeah, cool. Yay, there's him.

Awesome. And I was like, oh, this looks kind of weird. He's kind of going towards the building I'm sitting next to right now. I was like, oh, they are definitely going towards the building. I'm sitting two wrecks. And so they missed the building by maybe a foot, but they ended up landing on the concrete. A single foot? Dude, it was so close.

I was so sketched out. And what about concrete? I'm sorry? They landed on like the concrete walking path instead of the grassy field you're supposed to land in. So he overshot his target. Yeah. And they basically like, because you're with somebody the first time you go, obviously your tandem. And they like ran because afterwards you don't just like land and stop immediately.

You take a couple steps. They, like, ran into the building. Dude. You got to watch this while sitting in a lawn chair? Yeah, I videotaped it. And the funniest thing about the video is you can tell I'm still sitting, like, the whole entire. I never once get up out of worry. What the hell could you do?

Oh, yeah, this is hilarious. I'm like, oh, shoot, I should probably get up, make sure he's all right. If I got to see that, actually, I'd go back with a lawn chair and sit there every day and just hoping to see it again. So how did he die? I think I still breathing. I think I'd be crying so hard from fear I would blind the guy on my back. I think I would blind the professional and then we'd end up dead. I think I'd be like the boys from Cheers when they first went up there and they chickened out

and then they came back and they lied about it like, oh yeah, it went great. We went up in the plane, we jumped out and now here we are. I think I would chicken out once I got up in the air. This is a funny text. Somebody says, nah, not going to skydive because I'm not into high-speed dirt. Yeah, that's probably, but I was thinking, too. Just crash right into that. Oh, I hear you.

Or, you know, like both shoots don't operate. I'd be the guy. Somebody else says they just don't want to make the news. I never considered it. If you are, you might want to see this here video. That's going round and round by God. Yeah, and before we get to the video, Ashley mentioned that your first time jumping smooth out of an airplane.

and then barreling towards planet Earth with a bag on your back. The first time a professional usually straps you to their chest and kind of takes you along for the ride. And Josh, you were mentioning your worry would be all of the crying. All of the tears might blind the professional who's carrying you down. Yep. One of my oldest pals, I don't know. He's probably trying to get a BJ or something,

trying to prove something to a chick. He decided to skydive, and he's got the professional strapped to his back, and about halfway down is how you say it, about halfway down, my pal vomited all of his breakfast and dinner from the prior 12 to 16 hours, and covered the professional. professional with his puke. Oh, how embarrassing.

I wonder how often that happens. Probably very often. I would think so. So here's this video. When we landed, I would, I'd beat his ass. You would then give him a beating? Like, are you serious, dude? In my face?

Yeah, you got to pay double at that point, I think. Uh-huh. You better tip good. There's a video going around of a skydiver. Now, this was an accomplished skydiver, which maybe should make you worry even more about what might happen to you as a pink-faced rookie. This is an experienced, accomplished skydiver who was jumping with a pile of other people. They like to do that and then they join hands and all that silliness.

They do cartwheels and dance moves. she crashed into another skydiver this is before any of them have pulled the shoot crashed into somebody it knocked her smooth out cold broke her leg broke a couple of ribs i think in that initial collision so she's falling to the earth at a high rate of speed sound asleep the collision knocked her smooth out somehow some way just by pure luck. She kind of came out of the fog of her unconsciousness at the very last minute through the shoot, but it was too late to really slow her down enough to save her life. Had she hit the ground

uninterrupted, she would certainly be dead. She got lucky and landed in a tree, which saved her ass. It wasn't a comfortable landing in a tree, as you might have guessed, but it saved her life. Had she, like I said, had she hit the ground in any other fashion, she would have been soup. It's almost like a movie, really. Yeah. If you haven't seen the video, it's on 93x.com.

It's terrifying. He says it's like a movie that's actually what happened in full house on Uncle Jesse's wedding day. I wasn't expecting that reference today. I don't remember that either. It went skydiving on his wedding day, and he ended up in a tree. Boy, I got to tell you, Dana,

I got to make my way over to Lulu. Hulu? I've got an old episode of Cheers to watch, and I've got an old episode of what was the other Uncle Jesse falls from the, they say

before this gal was able to pull her shoot, she was hitting speeds of 425 No, sorry. That was how many jumps she had. I got excited. She had 425 prior jumps.

But still, she was hitting speeds of 140 miles an hour as she was falling. Uh-uh. Just a limp body screaming towards planet Earth. That's nuts. Never mind. This is terrifying. Also, this video just, it makes me, it gives me like the same feeling of when I see pictures of like the ocean and how big and vast.

It's just terrifying. me, I feel that way about the sky right now. Like, ugh, that looks so far up there. These people are idiots. Do you think you really do it, Ashley? You said you wanted to. Yeah, I think I would. It's definitely like a bucketless item.

And I love that feeling of like your stomach dropping when you're free falling. Sure. That feeling is, it's my favorite. That's why I like roller coasters. Boy, I wonder if I'd barf now. I used to be able to go on any ride. Barf! Never bothered me.

You wonder if you would barf? No, it has nothing to do with anxiety. Yeah. That would be like I might throw up a little bit because of anxiety. Oh, well, trust me, there would be anxiety. But just like any ride now, it messes up my stomach. That never used to happen to me. Getting old, man.

I'm sure your stomach would turn over. Would you splash? I don't know. But yeah. I was on the Ninja Turtle ride at Mall of America a couple years back, and I thought I was going to throw up in front of a bunch of teenagers. That one will mess you up. All right, so that's not just being a weakling at this point in my life?

They're spinning you in all sorts of. of different directions than that thing. At my age, there's no chance I would get on that ride. I won't do that one again. No. So this gal again, Holly is her name, the accomplished skydiver who was knocked out cold at 3,000 feet or whatever. I have no idea how high I'm just taking a guess there.

Oh, it says here 10,000 feet. Okay, I'll go along with it. Holly, who fell out cold at 10,000 feet. She has no idea, or I should say she had no memorandum. of pulling her rip cord. And luckily she was able to do so. They said had five more seconds gone by, they would have found pieces of her

in the neighboring county. Does it say whether or not she says she's going to keep doing it? Oh, of course she's going to keep doing it. They usually do. She's a missile, by the way. I guess what are the odds of it happening twice? Didn't even mean it like that.

Well, who knows? But I'm sure it was muscle. memory, right? Where she pulled that thing? I think the rest of us would be like, where the hell am I at this point? Yeah. I would need a full minute. Yep. That's exactly what it was, Josh. After 425 career jumps, it was just simply muscle memory. It was something that her brain did on its own. I looked up. If that makes any sense, do you? I looked up the stats. In 20205, there were 16 fatalities out of 3.47 million jumps. Yeah. So it can have. happen. That's a lot of people jumping out of planes. It really is. Her fellow skydivers

were pretty much already expecting to go out and rent a suit for her funeral. Every damn one of them that landed. Gosh, yeah, watching that. Again, she jumped in a group. Every damn one of them that landed, even when they saw her hit the tree, they still were readying themselves for the worst. She lived to tell the tale. and she plans to do what they gain. Oh, that poor person that hit her and knocked her on cut. And then do you like watch her fall out of the sky? Oh, I bet he or she, he, but they just felt awful.

They knew the risks. So there you go. Yeah, the rest of them just preparing themselves for what they might see. Yeah. But if you're that person, Ashley, you just deny it. She has no memory. Yeah. No, that was Lenny, man.

That wasn't me. That's an AI video. We have a couple of listeners who have. have jumped, volunteered to jump out of an airplane and then allow a bag to carry you safely to Earth. One of them says, I've done it three times, twice. My shoot became twisted. I've heard that is one of the last things you want to happen when you're up there in the sky. for the shoot to become twisted.

Now the text has disappeared. I was wondering if there was any more to the story, but this happens on my text machine where I look at it, and then I guess the text doesn't even want to want me looking at it because it disappears. I don't know. Nick, if you're falling like that and the parachute just won't open, do you choke yourself out on the support strings or whatever there?

I'm choking something out, I'll tell you that. You're going to get one more? No, that's disgusting. I wouldn't do that. Look out below Would I choke myself out? I think I'd just try to choke myself out. I don't want to splat.

Maybe I'd embrace the horror of it all. Maybe I'd embrace the awesomeness of it all and keep my eyes open until the bitter end. Yeah, try to think of something peaceful. What could I do, Josh? I suppose I can strangle myself. I don't know if I have the arm strength anymore to stric. I'm wearing a helmet, usually.

Skydivers wear a helmet, so I can't knock myself on. conscious. There's some darker answers here. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I would want to just, maybe I'd want to just raw dog that pig and just suck it up to the very end. I'd keep my eyes closed. And I'd plug my nose, too. Trash trucker Jesus says.

In case you land in water? Yeah, just in case. He said, see if the promo department puts together a 93X presents skydive with hams. I was trying to remember, did we ever have, you know, there's been so many of those kind of weird promotional ideas. Did that ever pop up, Nick? Nothing that I remember. Oh, I don't remember anyone bringing up a skydiving gimmick for the radio station. I know we certainly advertised for some skydiving companies. Oh, yeah?

I don't know if there was ever anything like a giveaway or some sort of event they planned. I have no memories of that idea ever going around the building, but it's a decent question on your part because, as we've covered many times on this show, 25 years ago, it was very common for someone in the building to come up with just the most outrageous crap imaginable to promote the radio station because that was the, that was the gimmick. That was the common thing in radio to be as outrageous and death-difying and ridiculous as possible. And so that whole thing.

It sure looks cool, especially when they do the tricks and everything. What kind of tricks do they do? You know, like when they're all holding hands, making shapes, or they've got like the cool, smoke coming from them? Oh, oh, the smoke bombs. Sure, I've seen a little bit of that. No hawk welder Jesus, who is

terrible with heights, he says. He jumped out an airplane. He did the skydiving bit on his 30th birthday. And despite his fear of heights, he said, it was incredible. Wow, that's a brave guy.

You're scared of heights and you jump. And it seems like that's a birthday thing. People that have texted in and said, I did it for this birthday or that birthday. Or sometimes you'll hear someone turns 80 and she decides, I'm finally going to skydive. Another listener is texted in to simply say, grab his shoot and twist it. I like that bit. You probably kill a guy that way. Yeah, I can't think of, like I mentioned from the get-go. I am not and I never have been that thrill-seeker type. So what else is there? I was when I was a young guy.

What else is there? I mean, there's bungee jumping, but no one really does that anymore. That's very 90s and... Why is that? That was so popular for a while. It was just a simple trend that came and went. There's the bungee, there's jumping on. What else is? Rock climbing, I guess. Does that count? Oh, sure, like mountain climbing. Yeah. You stab the thing into the rock and the ropes and all that. Sure, I'd count that as a thrill-seekers activity. Oh, have you guys ever seen those videos of people that do that? like mountain climbing stuff, and then they'll put up a rope in between, I don't know, like two mountains, I guess, and then they'll hang their hammock there?

Well, yeah. And they'll just chill. What are you doing? They sleep overnight hanging from a cliff, just the stupidest people on planet Earth. Do you not move while you sleep? Stupid. But we're missing a few obvious ones. Like parasailing, will that count?

No, because I did that. You're just kind of hooked up to a boat. The chances of something going wrong there are very, very, very small. I even parasailed 30 years ago. I thought it was more dangerous than people think it is. Well, the style, I mean, of course, I know nothing about the sport. There could be many variations of parasailing. And my apologies, if anyone's uncle died in a parasit.

I'm just saying the style that I volunteered for, you're basically like a fish on a line. I know it's basically parachuting, but cliff jumping? You're more or less like a kite, Dana. The fish would be a stupid example because fish are underwashed. I was like a kite. What did you say? Cliff jumping or what are they calling? People jump off of buildings.

Oh, like the hot. Yeah, it's still parachuting. It's like free falling. I know what you mean. Or the wingsuits. Yeah, all that stuff, absolutely. Parkour. Parkour.

Parkour can be creepy. Those people that like to get up on top of buildings just like jump around. Hardcore parkour. Oh, well, parkour can also just happen on the side. sidewalk is well. Yeah. But no, Josh, those are great examples. The wingsuits, they jump off a cliff and they let themselves fall for a while, sure. None of it. I'm attracted to none of it. Bass jumping is what it's called. There you. Yep. Thank you. Duh. Bass. What a bass. Hang gliding. Now I'm trying to picture what that is. It's like, you know, when you make a paper airplane? Oh, yeah. It's you

underneath it. Oh, yeah. What is it? Lane splitting, somebody says. Oh, I get nervous for those folks. Seeing it more and more and more. Yeah, me too. Just in case somebody decides they want to police that center line. A guy scared the hell out of me the other day.

I'm still not used to that lane splitting. We were sitting at a red light, and suddenly here comes the motorcycle guy between the two. What is this? These are good. These are answers coming in. Hot air balloon rides. No thanks on that one, too.

Yeah, I wonder, Dana, maybe you could look up that stat. Sometimes it seems those are more dangerous than skydiving. It seems we hear more negative things about that. I could never do that. When I was a kid, there used to be this really popular TV show. I think it was called Amazing Amanda or something like that. And it was a completely fictional TV show, but she, like, floated away in a hot air balloon and was missing for years.

And after that, I thought, nope, that's not going to be me. So it says hot air balloon deaths are very rare, one to two deaths per year in the United States. Does it say the stat, like how many people actually do it? Because I'd imagine more people probably skydive. Oh, God, no. Josh, what? Ziplining! Uh-oh! Zipline!

I did that last year, survive. Stupid. Did you do it at like a course, or did you go over something cool? No, nothing really cool. Oh. Now, we've been focusing mostly on airborne-type. thrill-seeking, jumping off of this, putting this on your back, your parasailing, your sky, Logan texted in.

Ooh, this is a whole different phobia. Cave divers and spolunkers and whatnot. Those goofy bastards that'll go down below the earth in a cave and they squeeze through a crack. Nope, no bigger than your... I could see doing something like that. Oh, really? At any minute now, the whole works could fall down on your head and they run out of oxygen. and your lamp goes out and you can't.

And then flesh eating cannibals, blind. Why are they always there? And they're so pale. Why are they so pale? I'd like to scuba dive at some point. I thought you said you tried it and you hated it. No, that was snorkeling. Oh, I did scuba diving.

It's stupid. No, it's not. See, that's the thing. It's really cool. That's the thing is most of these things. Wait a minute. I thought you and I were the, we fear the ocean people. Well, I'm afraid of the ocean.

but when I, for some reason, when I was doing it, it just like completely left my mind until I was near the end. And I was like, wait a minute, there's sharks out here. The good news is most of these activities are really, really stupid. So you don't need to bother with them, Josh. Well, there's a couple that sound kind of fun. I wish I had the courage for. Scuba diving.

You would put that tank on your back and it's miserable, dude. It's miserable. Seems pretty cool. I've been told I can't do it because I've applied. and my neurologist said that's something you can't do. Yeah, that sounds sketchy. You don't want anything to happen. Probably be bad to have a seizure underwater.

Yep, yep. We're talking about thrill-seeking here, and listeners are texting in up and down, about different thrill-seeking activities. Here's a guy. He says he's got a bit of a tricky stomach, and the other day he ate some lettuce. Oh, yeah, you don't want to mess around with lettuce.

Yeah. You are rolling the dice with lettuce, it seems, in the last few years. Yeah. Honestly, any type of produce, yeah, berries. Occasionally I'll go on a health cake and be like I should mix in a salad here and there. And that's when my stomach turns the absolute worst. I can eat pizza and buffalo wings all weekend be just fine. Then I have one salad.

My stomach just goes to hell. You got to train your body to like things that are good for you. Oh, there's those people who swim with sharks. Oh, couldn't do that. That looks so cool, but I'd probably wuss out. Absolutely the least cool thing in the entire world. Swimming with sharks, you moron. What about dolphins?

Would you swim with dolphins? No, because nearby, there's probably a family of sharks. What else? They usually have mud a pool, I think. Some folks, someone's telling me that there are folks who will jump out of an airplane on a dirt bike. Okay? And then they throw the... Like for a Red Bull commercial?

Are they talking about Tom Cruise, a Mission Impossible? I don't know. If you quote one more friggin' movie or television show, I think we're going to reach our limit for the day. Dana, I think we're going to... Okay. Well, I'm joking around, dude. Christ's sake. They're talking about guys who will

jump out of an airplane on a motorcycle, throw the shoot, and then when they hit the ground, how does the guy do it again? Then they take off on their motorcycle. Now that I've never watched, not even in a Tom Cruise movie. He makes some good movies at times. And he makes some pretty bad ones.

Do you guys see the mummy? Oh, that was terrible. That was a stinker. Don't see it. Yeah, this is great. Oh, like hell of skiing. Helles skiing. Where the skiers jump out of helicopters in the mountains.

Oh, yeah. Do a little skiing. That'd be pretty scary. You always see it in like those montages and sports bars where they're just showing random clips of extreme sports. Whitewater rafting. Oh, yeah. Good one.

Oh, I did that in Colorado, except obviously, like, the beginner's route, and that was a lot of fun. The bunny hill of whitewater rafting? Yeah, it was exhausting, though. I'm sure. My pal Lannahan saved his sister's life during a whitewater rafting trip. He's an interesting fellow. What was interesting about it is they were signed up to get in the raft to go down this deadly river in Colorado.

they were signed up to get in the boat at 6 a.m. And Lannahan stopped drinking and gambling at 5.15 a.m. And they put him in the boat, and he's just a disaster. He's a wet doll. He was like a soaking wet, disgusting, smelly Lannahan doll. like a Lana Mannequin. That's what he was.

He was just a stiff, dead. But yet at one point or another, they hit the rough stuff and his sister went into the drink and he reached in with one arm and he brought her back into the boat. Wow. He's a hero, Josh.

He is a hero. He's a hero. Okay, we've got to get going. Jesus Christ, I didn't see what time it is yet. What is it today? The Thursday show? It is. Keep texting in about some of your favorite

thrill-seeking activities. We can talk about it all day long. When we come back, we'll hit up that stupid news report. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me.

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$50 offer is issued as not withdrawal trading credit for use on the platform. Offer exclusively available to first-time depositors. Not available in all jurisdictions. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Yeah, we've been rapping back and forth, jaw jacking. We've been talking about thrill-seeking.

Thrill-seeking activities. Were you ever a thrill-seeker, Nick? No, like I said, never have been, never will be. As a teenager, you guys didn't drive fast. Well, sure, sure, sure. but I try and get chased. Oh, sure. I guess I didn't consider effing around in a car or I don't consider that on the level of what we've been talking about.

Oh, it's certainly not. But I just mean there's, you're looking a little bit for a thrill as a young person. Well, sure. You've rolled the dice with a couple of ladies from pops before, that's for sure. Okay, now we're incorporating all different styles of thrill seeking. That's thrill seeking. So I suppose there is a category that I do fall into, sure. I mean, if you want to go back to when we were kids and you're on your bicycle,

jumping off of this, you're jumping off a cliff into a body of water, you're driving fast, taking chances. Sure. But, I mean, some of the things we've covered this morning, skydiving, base jumping, parasailing, mountain climbing, this and that, on and on from there. Here are some other thrill-seeking type sports or activities that our listening audience texted into us on our Luther-Bloomington Kia text line. and that telephone number is

651-9-9-9-9-3-93 I'll tell you something else Josh When it came to a lot of that stuff From when we were kids Sure, I got involved But I was rarely the first swing and D to do To try it You see what I'm saying?

Oh, I know I would wait for somebody else And then maybe if they made it If they didn't lose a limb Then I'd dive into them, right? Luckily we had a guy So even if I want to be the Oh shoot

Every friend group had a guy, yeah Yeah, Mark's going to do it again Yeah Thank God Mark's there for us. What about like jumps on your bike and stuff? Yeah, yeah, we did that. Yeah, so did we. Like I said, but Donnie would go first.

Yep, for us it was a mark. Certainly got involved, but I was never the first guy. Did Donnie go on to do, like, do you become like a firefighter or go to the military or anything like that? The two or three guys from my friend group who you could count on being the first to try something dangerous. Okay, Donnie. He went completely insane. We haven't heard from Donnie in 20-some years. Other Donnie.

So he was the first to go insane as well? Boy, this guy can't be stopped. He was also the first to go completely nuts. Other Donnie did pretty well for himself. The third thrill-seeker in my friend group, Donnie, he turned out to be a wonderful person. So there was a mixed bag of results there. Okay.

Some of the thrill-seeking activities that our listeners texted in about. What about those ocean racing boats that flip through the air at 600 miles per hour? Oh, you know, that's interesting. A buddy of mine, he has a friend that does that, does the racing. And he said, I should find this video for you. You know, it's basically like a hover, it's hovercraft at that point. They're going so fast.

But it flipped, oh, I'm going to say conservatively a hundred million times. Oh, my God. And he was completely fine. I'd ask my buddy like, well, When's the funeral? He said, no, everybody was fine. I think there was two people on the boat. They've got these sophisticated roll cages now, like you see in a NASCAR vehicle.

And those boats are built so light as you notice when they do lose control and get airborne. It's like dropping a piece of paper off of a... You know what I'm talking about holding a single sheet of paper and dropping it? They just float, you know. It's not pretty. But usually the... end result isn't as brutal as you might imagine. I'm going to find this video and then I'll ask if we can post this on 93x.com.

This is the guy who flipped over conservatively 100 million times. Yeah, I don't know him personally, but a friend of mine does. Yeah, absolutely. I count that as a thrill-seeking activity, though. I know a guy who races those frigging boats. I don't know how he does it. He's older than the hills now, too. It's got to just beat the piss out of him.

Okay. I love the way some of this is written out by our listening audience, too. They do their best to explain what they're thinking. And it comes off a little disjointed. It kind of reminds me of how I speak sometimes. Josh, what about those snowmobile flippy over backflip guys? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely terrifying. Those belong on the ground. We did one ice race on a snowmobile. That was fun. But we were cheated by the other racers. And it wasn't terribly dangerous, I don't think. you know what activity we took part in, also involving a snowmobile, which was much more dangerous, as when we were allowed to drive snowmobiles on a real deal.

Here I am going to sound like I was just describing disjointed because I don't know the verbiage. We were allowed to drive high-speed snowmobiles on one of those rolling hill, jumpy hill, Birm hill hill hill-hill. Those hill hill-humpy things. Oh, like an actual snowmobile truck? Snowcross, whatever they call it. Yes. That's so dope.

Dobe? Dope. Dope. Did you get any air? Yeah, but I mean, nothing that you would. Nick got a Nike endorsement. I got an endorsement from Red Bull and... Articat.

Wow. Risky, thrill-seeking activity. A lot of guys texted in and said, you mean like telling your wife to calm down? What about those guys that jump all the buses in a row on a motorbike? Yeah, like Evil Canebel used to do. Robbie Knievel, evil, the guy texted in to say, I like to get blackout drunk and text my ex-girlfriend. That's dangerous.

Is that a form of thrill-seeking? Yes, it is. That's playing with fire right there. It sure is. Ice Road Truckers. Oh, man, I can't even imagine. Have you ever watched that show? Yes, I love that show.

Those guys have nuts. I committed myself to the Ice Road Truckers program for, I don't know, a week. And I enjoyed it. I did. But then that was, that was it for me. Yeah, that's a, that's a freaky situation. I've driven on ice hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times and maybe felt comfortable with it twice.

Oh, really? It's never, it's never bothered me. I mean, maybe like the first time. First time it is. The first time you hear that loud crack, that's pretty scary. Oh, yeah. And then I remember, yeah, when that happened for the first time, I was like, that doesn't seem.

And then they're like, nope, it's normal. Like, you're good. Don't worry about it. Same thing here. Once we get into the fish house, you know, like we're spending three, four nights out there. Once we get into the fish house, nothing bothers me. But in that motor vehicle, I get squirly and I get squirly every single day. You know, me and Big Al went through the ice once up on Malax.

That was not a laughing matter. Oh, yeah. After you experienced something like that, too, I'd be pretty traumatized. All right, thrill-seeking activities. We continue on with text from our listening audience. One of our listeners says, I enjoy peering into the windows of the families in my neighborhood. There's a risk there.

Strapping yourself to a top-fuel dragster or a funny car, absolutely. Oh, my gosh. Watching that stuff. That sounds like a blast. In person is one of the great sports. sporting experiences you can have. One of the great experiences you can have as a sports fan is watching those characters in person.

And yeah, because it is such a risk. Bull riding. Sorry, go ahead. Bull riding. Yeah, I don't have. You got to be crazy. Yeah. Josh sent me a picture of like,

it's your buddy or your buddy's friend? Buddy's friend. Of like one of those cool boats that like flips through there, 6,000 million times. Do they stay that far off the ground? Is that normal? No, that's like getting air, yeah. That's insane.

That would be an airplane if it stayed at that. That's like, wait about it. Altitude, Ashley. Yeah, that's crazy. All right, let's move on to the stupid news. Great messages. Thank you for the text messages. You mentioned some fun,

fun thrill-seeking activities. And I can say that as a spectator. I would never want to take part in any of what you've texted. Speaking of bull riding, Josh, there's two bulls standing up on the top of a mountain. The younger one says to the older one, Hey, pop, let's say we run down that hill, and F one of them cows.

And the older one says, No, son, let's walk down. F them all. What movie, 651, 989, 933, 93? bulls on a mountain, older one and a younger one. Let's run down and F one of them cows. The older one says, let's walk down FMO. What movie? This is funny. Skoll, bitches, Jesus, talking about thrill-seeking. And I don't think he's making a sexual joke, but I'm not always 100% on this. He says, petting your kitty right after you get out the shower.

I kind of have that feeling whenever I'm petting a cat in general. Oh, because you're naked? No, they just make me nervous. No? Because you're soaking wet, and all that hair will just come around. Oh, yeah. Oh, I was thinking like you're afraid they're going to claw you. Yeah, that's kind of what I thought.

I think I'm right about that, but it doesn't really matter. Yes, congratulations to Eladius. The movie? Colors. I have not seen that. Colors. Colors. That's one of those where it seems to have my... My age I should have seen.

Robert Deval, Sean Penn, great movie. That's what I hear. Sad ending. That's your favorite. Yeah, well, that's part of the reason why I love colors so much. Yeah, terrible, awful ending. All right, on with the Stupid News Report. You kept a journal for a while, right, Josh?

It was like a week. The boss recommended that. He's like, you know what? He's like, hey, you should try journaling, you know? Remember I read it? It was stupid. It wasn't a real journal, was it? It was like a digital one.

Yeah, he's like, here's an app. Gives journaling a try. And I did my best. I asked him, okay, what do you do? He's like, well, you just sit down and write. Well, what led to this advice? Why did the boss advise you to keep a journal? He just said he started doing it.

And he said, hey, you know, it just might kind of help organize thoughts. It was no real reason. He just, he was into it and thought maybe I'd like it, too. Was this one of the bosses we liked or one of the bosses that we wanted to strangle the death in front of their family? Boss that we love. We did? Yeah. Okay.

Still do. It's our current boss. He was, yeah, he just said he kind of got into this journaling. James, huh? Well, he's another one we do love. So he suggested you get into journaling. It lasted about a week. If I remember right.

Maybe even two weeks. If I remember right, yeah, you didn't quite know what to throw into the journal so you would write down things like had some broccoli today. Yep, I wrote down like what I ate. Yeah, instead of feelings and things like that. Yeah. I didn't know how to do it. He said if I would have practiced, like,

meditating. You know, people say, I tried that once. Also at his advice, you know, he's like, he likes to do that and I couldn't do it. But I've heard it's a skill. You've got to keep practicing. At the same time, if you're not, you don't really got much going on throughout the day. You don't really have much to write, though. That's true. We found another guy right here. We got another guy right here who keeps a journal, just like Cubby. This effing guy is 41 years old, and he lives in the terrible disgusting vomit bag that is the far south thing uh 41 years old a guy called christopher christopher makes his living dealing dangerous street drugs to kids and others he does he deals dangerous street drugs for a living and he keeps a journal isn't that

cute? It is. He's trying. I wish I could tell you more details on what kind of things Christopher wrote in his journal on an average day. Like people owing him money, I'm guessing?

Well, I don't know. Stuff like that. I don't really, that doesn't interest me really. I was wondering if he wrote down things like who he had a crush on. Maybe he detailed some of the times that he made out with a girl. You know, that's more of what... Today's the day I'm going to ask her out.

Yeah, I don't have those details. It's got a fuzzy pen. You know, yeah, maybe he... It's just a big pink feather. He goes off for a page and a half about how uncool his parents are. I don't know. But here's the deal. A few days ago, a SWAT team kicked their way smooth through the front door of Christopher.

house. A cop, speaking of kicking, a cop delivered a front kick. Right to Christopher's chest, he sailed up onto a dresser and his body smashed through a mirror. Wow. That's sweet. Yeah. The cops were there to break up Christopher's totally stupid drug selling business.

Oh, it says here, uh, the cop snatched up 849 grams. of that dumbass fentanyl. And they say that's enough to kill thousands of people dead. I thought that sounded like a lot, but I'm not familiar with fentanyl. There were also some meth rocks and some booger sugar and some crack rocks and some quiff and cash. Creef. And Christopher had plenty of cash. What else?

That's it. Meth rock, booger sugar, crack rocks, quife, cash. What? That journal. And the police found that journal that I was telling you about. And here's the punchline to this whole, this whole goat rodeo. That's a thrill-seekers activity. A goat rodeo?

According to the cops, the last thing that little Chrissy had written in his journal was, and he doesn't sound like the most deeply educated guy in the whole world, because he wrote in his journal, No police will come to me. Brilliant. Police. No police will come to me. I'm glad he's working on his writing.

But by God, they did come to him, didn't they, Josh? They did. Did they ever? Yeah, they got to let him update his journal. He's a goner. You think they should allow him to keep that journal now that he's incarcerated? Yeah.

Took one in the cornhole. Tossed a salad Got a new tattoo Drop the soap Again Remember a couple years ago In Mankato There was that

I think she was like a door dash driver or something And she stole a car And they said hey you stole a car And she said no I didn't And then they read her diary And it said totally stole a car today Dude I think the best part is I think her mom snitched on her

like found the journal and gave it to the pleas. Both of you are 100% accurate. And when Josh said, totally stole a car today, you weren't just trying to sound cool. That was the direct quote. That's what she said. The direct line that she wrote in her junior totally stole a car today. Josh, I know you saw The Wire. It reminds me that episode where they're having a meeting about the criminal conspiracies they're doing.

And one of the guys, one of the young guys is taking notes and Stringer Bell goes, Are you seriously taking notes about a bleeping confederal conspiracy right now that we're committing? That is such a good show. Have you watched that, Nick? The Wire. Never saw it. Oh, you'd love it. It is very, very good.

Right now I'm in the middle of Modern Family Season 1. I'm so glad you got there. I'm kidding, of course. That's an ongoing joke between Josh and I because he gifted me on DVD all 37 seasons of modern family like 20 years ago and said, you've got to watch this. Such a good show. And I haven't touched it yet. And by the way, I think I should clear something up, just in case you're a new listener when I mentioned that Christopher,

the drug dealer, the cops found meth, and they found crack rocks, and they found fentanyl, and they found quiff. And you might be sitting here saying, what in God's name are you? It goes back to an old story about a friend of mine. And the reason I'm talking a little faster right now is because that's how this friend talks. Especially when he's really hung over. He gets really drunk. He drinks all day long.

He drinks all day long in his garage. Smokes a lot of sick. drinks. Hadn't had a job in 20 years. So he gets really hammered. And then he wakes up in the morning and he drinks a lot of coffee. And he gets even faster. And he starts talking even faster.

That's just old pal of mine. So years ago, yes? I was going to say, sounds like he's got a nice little set up there. Well, yeah, it hasn't worked in 20 years. Yeah. He's tripled in size now. But anyway, there are drawbacks to drinking smoking cigarettes all day, I suppose. Yeah.

Years ago, we were all partying up north. And here he comes. You know, fresh off drinking 36 beers the prior day. But he gets into those pots of coffee and those cigarettes. He starts getting stimulated. He starts talking even faster and faster and faster and faster. And he likes to tell stories. Back in the day, we stole this car and we beat this guy up.

He's telling his stories really fast. His mom was in the room at the time. And he tells this story about one day after school, we came home. We were drinking all these beers and we were, and we get really drunk. And then these girls come over and we started smoking, quiff. and we were getting, I got real high, and we were drinking and we were smoking, quiff. And someone in the circle of people said, time out. You were smoking quiff?

Well, it's just because he was speaking so fast, he meant to say geef. But instead he said, quiff. Still to this day, because of that moment, sometimes I refer to marijuana as quif. We were drinking, we were smoking quiff. trying to picture how that would even work. Right. Smoke. Well, you got to roll that paper real tight.

Yeah. I mean, it's just a brief window if you can catch it. You get it. It's floating through the air. You quickly grab it with the paper, and you lick the paper. You roll it up real tight. I mean, I have an idea how to make it. And then you drink and you smoke some quick.

Picture like a cartoon where, like, the scent bubble is kind of floating through the air. Somebody's just jumping to catch. Like with the same type of net you're hunting for butterflies? Well, you know how some folks will roll that joint under their nose? Right? You'll know if it's in there. Your friendly neighborhood garbage man is texted in to say is your friend's name Beavis. No, but I understand.

I did detect some Beavis in that impression. His delivery is very Beavis-like. He's got a little bit of a rough voice. Right. All right. We're not the only ones. having to put up with the Renaissance Festival this time of year. It says here, right now in Maryland,

they're throwing some level of silly Renaissance Festival at folks over there, too. And you know what they did over there at the Maryland Renaissance Festival? They banned furries from showing up. No furries allowed, they said. That doesn't seem right, no. This was posted. I'm a part of the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. Facebook group and one of them posted that this was happening yesterday and was like what's

everybody's thoughts on this what did everyone have to say um actually so I didn't read too much of it but I did read a comment that somebody said well I ain't got no fur in this game so I can't really you know say whether or not I think they should be allowed would you do me a favor would you block that person I wouldn't mind seeing somebody dressed as a big fuzzy fox in a night outfit. I bet that'd be kind of cute. I've never seen for, maybe I have

and I just am not paying close enough attention. Well, you have. You have. I don't think I've seen any at the Renaissance Festival. Oh, at the Renaissance Festival. Yeah. Okay. I can believe that. They say that furries are banned from the Maryland Renaissance Festival.

The folks who run that operation say that the furry costumes make people uncomfortable. And as you might imagine, furries out that way are calling this straight up, all out, full-on, for alarm, discrimination. In case you don't know, furries are a pack of grown folks who more or less like to run around in mascot outfits all damn day long. They strap on a big furry animal costume. So, I mean, like Goldie Gopher or Marty Moose from Wally World. So the organizers of the Maryland Renaissance Festival.

They say they toss that ban on the furries because humans who wear animal costumes are a historic to the actual Renaissance, whatever that means. And they say furries detract from the Renaissance theme. Oh, get over yourselves. So they also, yes. I was going to say, what is the gist? Because before it was all like a kink. That's what we heard. It's a kink.

People dress up as animals and then they have animalistic group sex. Yeah, see, the furries don't want to hear that. Yeah, they don't. They said, no, no, no, no, hey, that's not our thing. Kind of like how the clowns are like, we're not evil. We want to bring joy to the world. Yeah. But it had to start somewhere.

Was it just a joke that everybody believed? I don't know why most people, when they think of furries, immediately picture an orgy. I definitely did. That's how it was explained to me. Where just a, you know, just a pecker. There's a zipper up front, and the pecker comes out of the, uh, The Renaissance Festival people also say that some folks who came to the fair last year were made to feel uncomfortable by furries who were frolicking around the joint.

There are reportedly no other Renaissance festivals anywhere that have dumped a stiff arm on the furry crowd. The story goes on and on from here until the end of time. They talk about the dress code at the Renaissance Festival. They talk about why people are allowed to dress like this, but they can't dress like that, blah, blah. I'll tell you this. The furry crowd is piffed. You can't tell by looking at them,

because on the surface, they're a big smiling owl or a goofy-looking duck or something. Oh, dude, an angry-looking furry. That sounds terrifying. An angry-looking mascot? Yeah. No, thank you.

Well, there's some scary mascots out there. I'm sure you've looked at them on the internet. You ever looked at that big baby that runs around the New Orleans Pelicans home basketball games? Oh, that's terrifying. That's creepy. Cake baby or big cake nuts baby or something like that. I didn't see this thing. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a thing. So anyway, the furries are very upset. Oh. The folks at the Maryland Renaissance Festival say that they've received, quote, they have received negative and vulgar commentary regarding their anti-furry policy. So you got to look at the King Cake baby baby nuts? Yeah, King Cake or something. Yeah. This thing is so scary. Yeah, you'll see that thing in your nightmares.

Why? Why do they have that? It's a New Orleans thing. It's the King Cake Baby. Oh yeah, because they have that. That's like a dessert thing that they have over there. Yeah. I'll take your word for it. That's very popular dessert. Dude, that's no. I don't like that at all. And he has like that Audi infected-looking belly button and his... The eyes. His diaper is full of baby turds and yes, his eyes look, he looks like he just smoked rock.

People are saying FurryCon is in the Twin Cities this weekend. What? Well, then, with that said, Josh, I want the furries out there to know that the 93X Halfass Morning Show supports them some bitches to the bitter end. You have our... You should be able to go to any Renaissance festival you'd love. You're welcome in the radio station anytime you friggin' want. You know, the Renaissance Festival is so...

sexualized anyways and I'm assuming that's every single one not just the one here so if it is that I wonder why that's such a big deal although people are saying the one here you can't cover your face your face can't be completely covered they have very strict rules when it comes

that's why you haven't brought the wife in years huh? Well yeah I put a bag over my own face I don't want to be seen with them other people are saying that if you show up dressed as Spock they won't let you in you know it's got to be more themed than that. You got addressed to the theme. They don't, I mean, I just

know a, I guess I wouldn't say friend, an acquaintance that was like rejected at the gate or denied at the gate because he was shirtless and they used to allow that, like they used to not care about that at all. Wait a minute. So now you can't be shirtless at the demolition derby that has nothing to do with them.

You can't be shirtless at the Renaissance Festival? No, I guess not. At least that's what I saw and then people were like, well, does it say that in the rules? And then I saw like screenshots of rules and I was like oh yeah I guess you can't be but they have those guys that like carry those uh carts around those like big muscular dudes that will carry you around in a little cart so I don't know if they're making them put clothes on or what but that'd be disappointing yeah I thought of you right away Josh because of the muscular part yeah uh-huh so do they still follow that and we kind

of touched on it a little bit in the story and you mentioned it Josh do they still follow that gimmick where what did you say? You can't be Spock because you use Spock as an example because Spock doesn't didn't exist in the Renaissance Day. It's not part of the theme. Yeah, that's a different theme. I remember an uncle of mine telling me a story years ago about how he was walking around a Renaissance type event.

And they told him he wasn't allowed to use his disposable cigarette lighter because it didn't exist during the Renaissance and he said, well, when I drove into the parking lot in my frigging car, I didn't end up skidding on my ass the rest of the way, you know, what are you talking about? There's a cyber truck in the parking lot. They told him he can't use his disposable cigarette lighter because it wasn't a Renaissance thing.

He's like, what are you talking about? That is weird. You know, I'm wearing, right now I'm wearing tennis shoes. Do I need to take those off because they weren't part of the... Now, someone here says they've seen a group of stormtroopers at Renfest. and a lot of guys do go shirtless. Well, I'll tell you what. You and you better take the wife, put that bag over your head and get to the bottom of this, Cubby.

Sports on the 93X half-assed morning show. All right, I got to get in and out of this one real quick, Josh. It's like her husband is almost home. You know what I mean? I got to get in and out of here. She was the National Football League season opener last night. We'll get into that. What happens at 730?

Randy Shaver will stop by, right? We'll talk about the stupid football game. The Twins lost. Speaking of the twins, now here's one thing I'm going to take a little time on. Speaking of the twins, our guy, Zach Johnson, from a local nonprofit organization called Roger Up. We just talked to them on air, what, a week ago or so? Last Friday? Last Friday?

Not even a week ago. Zach Johnson from Roger Up. Roger Up goes all in and all out in helping veterans and first responders. They're truly a wonderful group of people at Roger Up if you want to know more. Look them up on the godless internet, but here's the deal. The twins are hosting a 9-11-21st anniversary memorial tomorrow. Twins host the Cleveland Guardians this weekend. Tomorrow there's going to be a 9-11-25th anniversary memorial.

And Roger up, along with a variety of other veteran community partners, are being recognized on the ball field before Saturday's ball game. First pitch at 3-10, be there early. to cheer for those folks. Roger up and a bunch of other veteran community partners of theirs will be on the ball field Saturday before the game against Cleveland.

Congratulations, boys. Look forward to seeing you. There's some sad news to cover in a half hour when Randy jumps into the mix. One of the greatest ambassadors to the National Hockey League has passed away. We'll tell you about that. I have a new favorite athlete.

There's an MMA fighter. I can't wait to tell you about this later. There's an MMA fighter out there that claims she's going to fight a chimpanzee. I'm excited. And before we go, before we go, we had a little conversation about furries. That community of people, they put on the mascot outfits. You're like a happy-looking dog. And then you walk around with a happy-looking penguin.

They put on the big outfits. That's the furry crowd. And I said I'm a furry supporter through and through, Cubby. A listener by the name of Cueffer Sutherland. Jesus. Texted in and said, oh, okay, sure, sure. Furries are fine, huh? You're fine with furries?

But I'd dress like a rabbit one night and press my pickle up on the window at Denny's, and I get six months. Hey, Nick supports you. It ain't fair. Life ain't fair. Josh's news is next. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here.

I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93X to save.

Standard heating and air conditioning providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Randy Shaver here, if you're dealing with a work-related injury and need someone to fight for you, then Dave Bialki's your guy. This is his specialty with over 30 years of experience in helping the working person get compensated for work-related injuries. Even if your injury was years ago, don't wait. Call Bialki Law today. or go to bionkelaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. You want Dave on your side. It's football season. On Polymarket trade your football predictions against other fans before and during the game. You can even combine multiple trades with Polymarket combos.

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Not available in all jurisdictions. They want to glorify the fact that they're criminals. It's dumb. These guys are dumb. They deserve to be tossed under the jail just for being dumb. The 93X half as morning. I guess I hit the front light of their car. But I don't know what really happens.

You just hit. the front of the car, you just took the car completely up. A Florida woman was arrested after police say she plowed her Ford Bronco into a parked car, then tried to smooth things over with a fist to the face. The 24-year-old identified as Elizabeth, no relation to Bobby Boucher, drove through a roundabout before slamming into the victims parked Honda, sending glass flying and shoving the sedan clean across the front lawn. And she wasn't done yet with the Honda wedged together. Against her bronco, the drunken Boucher kept her foot down, spinning the tires, and kicking up dirt.

The victim wasn't in the car when it was hit. The neighbor told her about the crash, but she ran outside to see what happened. And that's when the situation went from bad to considerably more hands-on. Boucher punched the woman in the face. The woman punched back, dropping the beautiful Boucher to the ground. Boucher got back up, followed her to the porch and swung again, only to be shoved back down to the ground. Second time. By the time police arrived, Boucher reportedly smelled of alcohol, had difficulty standing, and was swaying on her feet. Asked for her driver's license. She handed over a passport.

Can you have your driver's license? Yes. That's a passport. May I have your driver's license? That's wrong message. That's closer than a lot of people come. No kidding. It's not like it's a blockbuster card. Yeah, it's a legal document. There's a picture on there. Yes. Asked again, she just handed over her purse. At some point, Boucher pleading. with cops that she was never going to get pulled over again. And then appeared surprised when they told her she wasn't pulled over in the first place. She was in a car crash. Yeah.

Which is an impressive misunderstanding of that situation. Then her story pivoted. She said she'd just been trying to get something for her daughter before the crash. I'm not resisting arrest. I just want to make sure my daughter gets what she needs, the handcuffed Boucher said, without any further context. Yeah. She never explained what she meant. What's going on?

What her daughter needed and why she was drunk. She refused a breath test, refused to talk, and tried to walk off from officers before landing her final defense. I thought we were all friends. Why? Why are you doing this? I thought we were all friends. We're all friends, but we still have a job to do.

Oh, that's nice. They are friends. What did he say? We're all friends, but we still have a job to do. Are we still going to hang out? That makes me feel a little. bit better. Pretty cold move on the police department. It's part, I think. Should have let her go, man. Apparently, friendship has its limits, particularly when one friend drives a Bronco through a roundabout,

totals a stranger's Honda, punches that person in the face, and then declines a sobriety test. At this point, Boucher could use a friend because her day ended with a long list of charges, resisting arrest without violence, possession of a controlled substance without a prescription, refusal to submit to DUI testing, DUI, and DUI damage of property. There's something so entertaining about those types of characters who just unleash hell on their neighborhood with a vicious, drunken car wreck or something to that level. And then when they slap the irons on these morons, they're just completely thrown by that end result. What did I do?

Why are we, you're real? And of course, a lot of them use this line now. Really? Really. Yeah, bro. Yeah, absolutely. It's happening. There's a damn thing you can do about it.

And it was all brought on by you. Right. Yeah, nobody else was in the way. I can't believe that they're, you're really taking me to jail for this. There's only one person responsible. Smoke, billowing in the background, you know, a broken car. A fire is simmering somewhere because of what they've done. The body camera footage is a little unusual.

Apparently the officer was about the same height at Boucher, so the camera spent a lot of time pointed directly at her chest due to him being boob level. Lucky man. You got kind of a funny feeling from this Boucher lady. Oh, well, she's very attractive, but no, it's kind of distracting watching the body cam because it was, you know, for a second I thought, boy, the cameraman's really being inappropriate,

and then I thought, well, wait a minute, that's a body cam. It's just a, they showed a lot of bust during that bust, if you watch it. Oh, I might have to go check that out. I think you should. She made you feel a little funny. Oh, a little bit. Kind of like when you used to climb the rope in gym class? Just like that.

A British motorist who took his girlfriend's car and drove about 150 miles while drunk has been given a suspended sentence. 150 miles while drunk. 150 miles hammered. That's kid stuff. And he wasn't just drunk, by the way. Oh. He was blind to drunk.

drunk and also actually blind. Turns out justice wasn't the only thing blind that day. So was Tony Hall. Hall, who doesn't have a driver's license because he's blind, was stopped by police at 1.45 a.m. June 29th, after he was seen swerving between lanes and onto the shoulder, presumably driving the way you'd expect someone with no functioning eyesight to operate a vehicle. Was he just going by the tree line?

He was going by some lights. I'm sorry. I just brought up what... Go ahead. The officer... I'm sorry I blew up. The officer picked up the smell of alcohol right away. When asked, the 50-year-old admitted he and his girlfriend had been drinking wine.

He told the officer he'd lost his sight about two years earlier, though he could still somewhat make out light. And on the highway, he said he navigated with a little blind faith by following the taillights of a semi-truck ahead of him. That's how he covered 150 miles. In a car, police say he took from his... girlfriend without her permission. In a classic case of the blind leading the blind drunk, the hammered

hall told police he planned to drive to Scotland because he wanted to escape his house, his relationship, and his finances. I had some pretty bad finances in a piss poor relationship years ago, Josh. I considered Scotland. That's interesting that that was his first choice. I've always wanted to go there. You can sympathize with a guy he's. He's hit rock bottom, right?

He wants a fresh start, but I think taken to the highway when you're blind and hammered was probably a bad call. Thankfully and miraculously, no one was injured during that incident. So hundreds of years ago, now it seems, one of my dad's best friends, who was as blind as a bat? He calls my dad on the telephone, and my dad's buddy had gotten really drunk in Long Lake, which can happen. Good morning, Long Lakers. we're in Wazeta, so not terribly far away, of course. So this buddy of my dad calls my dad and says, yeah, can you give me a ride to Long Lake? I got drunk at a bar out there, left my wallet.

I could use a ride to go pick up my wallet. My dad says, well, yeah, sure, but how the hell did you get home? And he said, well, I rode my snowmobile. He had snowmobiled out to the bar. And he said, yeah, I rode my snowmobile out to the bar. And my dad said, well, Jesus, you can't see Dick. I mean, how the hell did you make it home? and he said, I went by the tree line.

So one of those, just like this guy probably more legally blind because he could kind of make out some lights? He had a little bit of something going. I just loved that line. I went by the tree line. When you catch your neighbors sleeping with your husband, you've got options. Confront her, scream at her, call your husband and scream at him,

or maybe fling a drink in her face for dramatic effect. A Florida woman chose a different approach, however. she threw a bucket of her own feces at her neighbor. This past Monday at the Royal Country Mobile Homes development in the Miami metro area, 50-year-old Yercy Machado Rivera started pounding on the door of the other half of her split trailer. When the neighbor answered, Machado Rivera wasted no time accusing the other woman of sleeping with her husband. From there, the altercation literally went to crap. Machado Rivera forced her way into the neighbor's home and started shoving her around.

Then, instead of resorting to the nuclear option, she went ducular, launching a bucket of liquid butt all over her neighbor. Machado Rivera went to her neighbor's trailer and accused her of having an inappropriate relationship with her husband. Well, that's when investigators say she forced her way into the neighbor's home and through, how do I want to say this? Fecis. Fecal matter at her. There you have it. And there you have it. You said that way better than whoever that dude was. Well, no, he sounded pretty good.

He's a pro. How could you do that to somebody? I don't get it. I mean, she has an excuse. She does? Well, she tried an excuse. Sorry, I'm ready for it. I'd love to hear that.

Officers showed up and hauled Machado Rivera to the station, where she tried to spend a wildly different tale from that of a vengeful Florida woman weaponizing waste over a cheating scandal. To hear her tell it, it's not a matter of a Florida woman flinging feces over infidelity. Rather, she was just trying to get rid of a bucket of, quote, caca that she'd been forced to use because her toilet was broken. Though that defense still failed to explain why she chose to put the ASS in Picasso and paint her neighbor in turds. Just trying to get rid of a bucket of feces, she said.

Well, just like the situation you were describing. I don't understand why I'm in trouble. And this other gal got in the way of her disposing of the... Leo Chardo Distinky said she and the victim had gotten into a verbal dispute over the smell of the quote, caca. The stinky. And the problem it was causing. But authorities disputed that account, and so did a witness.

The witness informed police, Machado Rivera, explicitly stated beforehand that she pooped in a bucket on purpose with the sole intention of slinging it directly into the other woman's face. She was charged with aggravated shattery. Here's a feces fun fact for you. It doesn't get any more fun than what you already gave us, but, you know, go right ahead.

The average American uses 141 rolls of toilet paper annually. I can double that. Making us number one and number two. Yeah, you said that you use a whole lot of toilet paper. I make myself a pillow for every wipe. Ashley, didn't you say something similar? Yeah, I use a lot of toilet paper. I mean, just when I'm peeing.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I call it my pillow, Josh. Do you really? I think you might get a season to cyst. Trademark that. Oh, yeah. I mean, what did you say? How much on average?

141 rolls. In a year? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I got that doubled easy. And if you're in Germany, you might say, Ich bin Ein'ein butt wiper. The Germans are numbers vi, using 134 rolls every year on average. So less than we do?

Less than we do. Even with all that real beer and Bratworth and Braunschweigert, we use more. Well, they eat so much cheese with their Bavarian pretzels or whatever it is. So it clogs them up. We eat more cheese than the Germans do. You think it evens them out? Look at us. Look at how much.

Josh is 80% cheese right now. Honestly, I probably am. And you're the cheese man. I mean, come on now. I was. And one particular evening, I was the cheese man. Ashley, used to carry around cheese in your purse. Yeah.

God, I love cheese. Streaming tonight, throw some shrimps on the Barbie because the NFL Melbourne game starts at 7. on Netflix, where the 49ers take on the Rams in the first regular season NFL game played in Australia, and the streaming premiere of Supergirl on HBO Max. Hall of Fame pitcher known as the Big Unit, Randy Johnson, 63 today. Colin Firth, an Oscar-winning actor from the King's Speech turned 66, and Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry still strumming along at 76.

God. Happy belated 43rd, the Big Dano Jesus, from your much, younger brother, he says. And happy 54th to MJ from Country Girl, kind of redneck, Jesus. And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. Here he is. It's not Randy Bachman or Randy Rhodes or Randy Jackson or Randy Orton or any of the famous Randis we discussed yesterday. It's not even Randy Brewer. is the general manager of 34 active fantasy football rosters.

True story, 34 active fantasy football rosters. It's the ass man, Randy Shaver. Good morning. Good morning. They went ahead with it last night, didn't they? They did. They went ahead with the National Football League season opener. Seattle Sea Ducks played a game against the New England.

Who won the ball game? What happened? I didn't spend a single. solitary second on this pig. Shame on you. Seattle won 13 to 10. Did I miss a good one? May. Quick look was closed. 36 kickoff game.

She was a keeper? It was okay. It was sloppy. A lot of penalties. Oh, okay. That sounds nice. I like that. Seattle was down 10-7-0 at halftime and rallied to win in the fourth quarter.

Drake May made some A couple of bonehead throws. The last one, I think he was under pressure, about to be sacked. He should have thrown the ball. I think he was trying to throw the ball away a little bit, but it just was a big mistake. Patriots quarterback Drake May. Okay, I didn't see any of the ballgame, but I did read a line this morning.

I read a line on, I should say on the internet, referring to Patriots quarterback Drake May, someone called last night, they called it a, quote, trash bag performance by Drake's May. Yeah. I mean, the two interceptions, one of them was tipped. Wasn't really, I mean, it was a bad throw, but it wasn't, Seattle was lucky to pick it off. The last one was terrible.

The last one was really bad because they could have kicked a field goal, tied the game, likely sent it to overtime. Who knows if they would have won or not, but they could have kept the game going. And then, of course, you know, our guy, Sam Darnold, gets hurt in the first, almost like Aaron Rogers a few years ago. It was five snaps. Yeah, five snaps. Oh, really? What did he do to himself?

Hip. Hip-ish injury. Yeah, it's not a fracture. They're going to look at it closer today, but he probably is going to be out for a little bit. Told you guys the Vikings didn't need him. Drew Locke actually played pretty well last night in his place. All right. Well, the NFL's dumping another ball game out there tonight.

It's the San Francisco 49ers up against the Los Angeles Rams, and they're playing that ball game in Canada. Australia. Friggin Canadians. No, up, Australia. I can already hear the announcer's job. for the game. It's in a start.

They need a first down, eh? No, no, no, no. That's Canada you're thinking of it. That quarterback's making the defense look like a pack of hosers. Friggin' Canadians. This one has the potential to be weird. Just with a time difference and one team went out there for a week early. One team got there today or yesterday, I want to say.

So it's kind of going to be. They got there that late? Yeah. Why the hell didn't they show up five, six days ago? They thought they would just go in and play it and see what happened. They thought that jet lag would add to the experience? I mean, my God. I think one of the things that they're trying to avoid is spending way too much time over there.

I think they just felt like, we'll go in there, we'll get the game over with. Hopefully it'll be one of those things that's not going to be a lingering deal through the early part of their schedule. Huh. I don't know how either team can avoid that. I'm surprised by that. I thought they would for sure get there four or five days, get you. to the time changes. All right.

So I got the actual information here. The Niners got there last Wednesday. The Rams got there yesterday. Yeah. And both teams will return to California immediately after the game. That is hilarious. So two totally different mindsets. Yes.

And what is the flight? 16 hours. 15, 16. From L.A. Yep. I guess I don't know from L.A. I'll go along with it. I heard it's a long ways over there.

16 hours and 8,000 miles. 16 hours. Oh, my God. By the way, one of our favorite listeners, he's become one of our favorite listeners because of his overwhelming negativity. He texted in this morning, Budette Fishing Guy Jesus. God, that guy needs a beer. Remember, he told us a week ago he was going out west for a friggin' stupid boat show that he didn't want to go to. He texted this morning and said, he was in downtown Seattle last night, where they played that season opener.

He said, I was in downtown Seattle last night. These people take football way too effing seriously, he says. The 12th man. They won a Super Bowl. Just as anyone in their right mind should have suspected yesterday, troubled Vikings head coach Calvin O'Connor went ahead and named Carson Wentz, the immediate backup quarterback behind Kyler Murrah. And then after him, that's where you'll find totally unproven and injury-prone

J.J. McCarthy set in there as the third string quarterback. Again, unless you're completely insane, you saw the writing on the wall for that. Oh, somewhere around week five last year. But there's still so many Vikings fans are still emotionally attached to the guy just because of what pick they used to get them.

They finally use the top 10 pick to hopefully get a franchise quarterback. And it's obviously you just got to look at the actual results now and realize you've got to stop looking at him as a 10th overall pick and just look at him as a very mediocre quarterback. Or you can look at him as a possible... Trade bait. Trade bait. And I think that's probably the more logical way to look at it

because I just don't see him being here long term. No, the divorce needs to happen for both sides. Can you imagine we went to Seattle and won a Super Bowl? Just two years in a row. Two years in a row it happens to us. Tell me about two years in a row. Well, you got Darnold. Yeah.

And now if JJ goes there. Oh, if he goes somewhere. You'd probably appreciate that comedy. If he goes to Seattle, like let's say Darnels. I don't care where he went. If J.J. McCarthy's traded, and he will be, I don't care what club he ends up playing for, working for. If he wins a Super Bowl, that is world-class comedy. World-class comedy.

You know how I thrive on the misery. Oh, you love that kind of stuff. Love the misery. Even I would think that's pretty funny. procrastinator Jesus said, did you hear about the guy on the Niners who got caught on the plane and sent right back to the U.S.? No. Did you guys see that story? No.

I wonder what happened there. Oh, so we're going to give you a 30 or 32 hour trip. Do I just live on this plane now? Well, that's just cold as hell. So he's flying to Australia. Yes. And they cut the guy? And then he got right back on.

Yeah, he just sat on the plane and turned around. I'll have to look that up. I did not hear that. That's as cold as ice. Unless, of course, he was exposing himself to the stewardess or something. Hopefully it's nothing like that. Plain ride from hell, WWE type of a thing. I mean, that would make sense.

Okay, smart mouth, spin right around, go home. You're cut. If that was just like some paperwork that wasn't filed properly and that's brutal. Right. Okay. I did not hear that story. I didn't either. Braden Willis, he flew 16 hours, and he was waived once they got there.

They're going to clear a roster spot for a long snapp. And they put him right back on the airplane. I hope he at least got first class. Thanks for the heads up on that. Couldn't he at least hang around for a day? Go sightseeing or something? Give him a trip to a kangaroo farm or something. I mean, you know, at that point it's probably his option.

He could have just said, you know what, I'll fly back two. Tuesday. I'm going to hang around for a few years. Yeah, I was just going to say the same thing. I mean, if he knew he knew he was no longer working for the 49ers. He was no longer working for anybody. Look at it as a week off. Well, he probably wanted to get back to try to land with a different team. Hang around in Australia for a while and bang some of that new stuff. It's new to him. How would one of those Australian girls talk like if he met one, Nick?

Cool, look, cool, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, co, cool, co, cool. That's for all you old. Bob and Doug McKenzie fans right there. Oh, man, so good. Remember when they teamed up with Getty Lee and made the song Take Off? Yeah. God, that was a great song. I got to find out.

Take off. Getty Lee with the singing voice and then Bob and Doug, Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis. Early 80s, you had to be there. String. Friggin Australians. There it is. A little piece of hit single, Randy. It charted.

It's called Take Off. I remember. Yeah. Welcome to our single. I'm Bob McKenzie, and this is my brother Doug. How's it going? Beauty, hey? You got to wait for Get it to sing.

Okay. Let me see that. Okay, everyone. This record was my idea. Get out. It was. You're lying. He posed here just sort of rid on my coat tail.

Why are you doing this? It was our idea together. Yeah. Okay. We agreed to say that, but on tape. A decent saying. Kangaroo panties. Oh, my God.

Man, when Getty was young, could he give her, or What? So great. It just gives me chills. Even when he's singing a comedic song with Bob and Doug McKenzie, young Getty Lee, there was nothing like it. Nothing like it. If they come here, we should go.

I would do everything in my power. Did we know this already? Says here, this here football season, the Super Bowl falls on President's Day weekend, so many of us will have the following day off. That's great. long time. I didn't know that until yesterday.

So this year's Super Bowl is on Valentine's Day. That's a first. And by damn, it's also President's Day weekend. So for a lot of us, Monday is an F-off day. We don't even have to show up for work. All right, cool. And of course, there's a big crowd of people who are still pushing to make the day after the Super Bowl an official holiday.

We got that going for us, Covey. That's pretty awesome. Rager at Josh's house. They say that... All the root beer you can drink. Yeah, I got plenty of root beer. You guys can have as many cold beers as you want. Every year, they talk about it, right?

Why don't they have it Monday after the Super Bowl should be a day off? Or play the Super Bowl on a Saturday. They talk it up. They do. Tigers beat the twins 7 to 2. So now the twins have lost 12 of their last 18 games. Yeah. They got today all.

off, they do, then they started that series with Cleveland. So there you go. I mean, this is probably the weekend where it's kind of like the last gasp. Yeah, probably. If they can sweep Cleveland, then it's a different outlook. If a split doesn't do them any good, they actually need to sweep. It's just that simple. They're four and a half back of the wild card.

So, there you go. Let's talk about heat, Randy Schaeber. Let's talk about straight up heat. Pure Velo. Brewer's starting pitcher Jacob Mizirazzoz. Mizzerazzyzzyzski has officially thrown 1,000 pitches of 100 miles per hour or more this baseball season. Wow. That can't last.

They better win now. with this kid or kiss it goodbye. Yeah. And I know this is a stat that they only started keeping track of, I don't know, 15 years ago. You know, they call it an all-time record.

And I tend to believe it, but still it's just kind of silly. I think it's safe to say, though, 15 years ago, there probably wasn't a pitcher other than maybe a Nolan Ryan who was throwing 100 plus consistently. They're calling

Mizoroski, the likely National League Cy Young winner. So he's officially thrown 1,000 pitches of 100 miles per hour or more this baseball season. When is his arm just going to come smooth off? That's what I want to know. Just flies with the ball into the catchers'

bit. This is also official the Washington Nationals. Their bullpen is the worst collection of pitchers since the dawn of time. The Nationals blew a save the other night against the San Diego Padres,

which was their 38th blown save of the year. That number's incredible. Imagine if you split that in half and one half of those games, they would be over 500 and in contention. They'd be in the mix. Yeah. Instead, they're 12 games out on the wild card. That number is effing incredible.

God, that's going to be. As a fan to watch. And that can't just be all on their closer. No. It's a bullpen collective number. 38 blown saves in one baseball season. Oh, my gosh. Never been done before.

Never been done. So their pitching coach has had his bags packed for weeks already, hasn't it? Pretty much. They gasped that pitching coach so fast. I have a new favorite athlete. brand new favorite athlete Randy Shaver, you're going to like this. This is one of my favorite stories of 20 and 26.

It's got to be, Covey. There's an MAA, how do we say it, Josh? MMA. There's a MMA. There's an MMA fighter out there, Summers. Cole Johnson. He claims he's been offered over $500,000 to fight a chimpanzee. He'd probably never be able to spend it.

What do you mean? I think he would die in the ring. He's been offered a half a million dollars to fight a chimpanzee. And the beautiful part about this story, other than the obvious, is this dude is completely oblivious to how badly that would end for him. He's confident in this matchup. He likes the matchup. I mean, he's more qualified than a lot of us,

but it's a chimpanzee. It's going to rip his face off. Yes, Randy. No one should allow him to do that. Some country will sanction it. Well, here's the story, and I'll get there. The story is this is happening tonight. Or tomorrow night.

In the next couple of nights, this is, I'll get there. Now, some of these might be saying, oh, well, he must be a very experienced MMA veteran, a lot of glorious victories where he just pulled somebody's leg off and beat him to death. He's one in oh in his career. He claims he's been doing it his whole life, yeah, but he's not a lot of professional stuff. And he says, I 100% wholeheartedly believe that I could beat a chimpanzee in a brawl.

He's 24 years old. He trains in New Zealand, if that matters at all to you. And he goes on to say, now this is going to piss a lot of you people off, he says. But I don't give an F. If you're pissed about this, you don't have an effing brain. But listen to me, says Cole Johnson. People say, oh, a chimpanzee is six times stronger than a human. First of all, no, it's not.

You're hearing some from the internet and regurgitating it. So he's angry about this already. He's on edge about this. But I guess maybe that benefits any MMA wrestler to just MMA fighter to constantly be angry and on edge. It probably will work in his favor. He says a chimpanzee is only two times the strength of a human being. Oh, well that case, fight two of them then. And he says, you know who else is two times the strength of your average human being?

Me, okay? Me. I admire his confidence. At times I wonder if this is real. But I'm going to go ahead anyway. I mean, it was written up on a few different sports websites. I'm taking it as a real thing. Who knows?

This could be a promo for the Pat McAfee show or something. I don't know. But I'm taking it as a real thing. He says, I am twice as strong as the average human being. He says he's been offered a half a million dollars to fight a chimpanzee in an undisclosed country. The story tells me that a chimpanzee has been picked out to fight him. they've set a chimpanzee aside for this fight. Cole Johnson, the MMA guy, says they're not going to cut the teeth.

They're not going to cut the claws. Do chimpanzees have claws? I guess I never knew they had claws. I'll go ahead and he said there's going to be people with tranquilizers there at the fight. That's the kind of fight I want to be in, where when it's obvious I'm losing, somebody just tranks my opponent. I'd be a lot more confident. Can you imagine having that?

That is a fail safe? Man, you know you've got a way out. Yeah. Thunk dart right into the jugular of your opponent. Guys, I'm losing. Shoot him. Like I misses his Josh and the chimpanzee just rips apart his unconscious body. You missed and you hit Cubby.

This is the most incredible story. I am so drawn to this. and I need to find where this is going to be televised. Cole Johnson, the MMA guy, says, I want to go against this wild animal and test myself. I don't want to kill this animal, but I also don't want to die. We are going to fight until, obviously, he says, we're going to fight until obviously I'm winning.

If it's killing me, the chimpanzee, then it's going to get tranquilized. And I mean, I'm taking this as straight up. I'm trying to say something here. My guess is there's a chance that this chimpanzee doesn't go in, if this fight even happens, which probably is a long shot that it does. I'm guessing if anything's going to be tranquilized, it's going to be the chimpanzee a couple hours before this fight. You see what I'm saying?

Oh, she's a little doped up heading into it. Right. Like they used to do in Russia with the, ice skating bears. I mean, they would load these things up with drugs. Stumbling in. Because a normal bear would climb up into the stands and just tear the heads off of children, right? If this is a straight up man versus chimpanzee battle, this dude has absolutely no chance.

But if they fill that monkey with dope, and again, this is set to take place tomorrow. It says it will be live streamed somewhere. I'm saving this story. This is the best. You want some chimpanzee fun facts, Josh? You're a fun fact guy. I like that kind of stuff. Chimps have almost twice as much muscle mass in their four limbs as humans do. And also in the article here, it says another big factor is that chimpanzees are currently unaware of MMA rules.

We're going to fight dirty. A few people were texting in on that. Like, how confused is this chimp going to be? They are currently unaware of MMA rules or the rules of any human sport for that matter. They don't know the rules. Right. Unbelievable. Finally, this Cole Johnson says, I've weighed out the risks.

I've weighed out the benefits. And I got a couple of game plans, he says. Oh, I'm sure. This guy, he says, my first plan, I'm going to keep my distance. See if I can keep it off of me. We'll go for a couple of minutes. minutes, I'll get this thing exhausted, and then I'll go in for a slam or something. I have to try as hard as I can to knock this thing out with a slam.

Be on your internet tonight, people. What did I say? Tomorrow night. Be on your internet tomorrow night. Look for the fight of the by God century. I wanted to throw that into the mix because I do think it's the greatest story that I've read in the year of 20 and 26. but I wanted to add some real fun to our conversation before we get to something awfully sad.

One of the greatest ambassadors ever to the sport of hockey. Barry Melrose has passed away at 70 years old. Man, he was one of the good guys. What a great personality, what a great sense of humor. He was a keeper. played a few games in the National Hockey League in the 70s and 80s, mostly in the minor leagues. Had a great run as head coach of the Los Angeles Kings in the 90s. Didn't stick around long, but he took him to the cup in 93,

lost to the Montreal Canadians in that series, spent a couple more years behind the bench than he got involved in television, and he was perfect in that role. He was made for that gig. Right. Man. Retired a couple three years ago. was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. We will miss Barry Melrose.

What a character and what a great ambassador. Especially I loved when he would team up with John Butchagrass for the college hockey final, final, final, final. They were terrific together for the final hockey tournament there. What do they call it in the business, Josh? The Frozen Four. Now, speaking of John Butchagrass and another. character that used to work with Barry on ESPN for years and years and years covering hockey Dan Patrick. Both have been calling for years and now calling even harder for Barry to be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame,

giving everything that he gave to the sport and what he meant to hockey fans, and I hope that happens someday. Definitely. You ever have a chance to meet the man, Randy Shaver? I did not. No. No, love watching them, though. Yeah, I had forgotten. I had totally forgotten how sick he was. I had read a couple stories in the past, and I spaced out. So this was a shock for me.

I'd forgotten that the man had been struggling. Ah, damn. One of the best laughs. He had a great laugh. All right, here we go again with this. It says here that Dylan Larkin prick, the Detroit Red Wing Center, that has been given Bill Garron wet dreams for months now. Apparently the idea of bringing him into town to work for the pigs,

that deal ain't dead yet. The latest is that Larkin isn't practicing with the Red Wings, even though he's a captain. He's missing in action over there in Michigan. He just decided not to show up. And then you got people saying, yes, he wants to work in Minnesota, blah, blah, this, that. I really feel bad for this Larkin dude at this point, because with all this talk about the effing guy for months now,

if he comes to town and takes a big wet deuce on the ice, the state of hockey's going to turn on this poor bastard. You're not kidding. Weird Quinn Hughes. Got a chance to talk to the media yesterday in Las Vegas at some event called the NHL Player Media Tour. He did address his contract situation and he said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He said mostly nothing and sounded kind of angry about it. He said this is going to be done whenever I feel like it needs to be done. But even that is at least saying something. It was? Well, I think just the fact that he talked about it, I think, is a step in the right direction. I mean, I think wild fans want to know what's going on. Jesus, he's some bitch just like to milk these operations, don't they? Yeah, he sounded kind of bitter even being asked about it.

I mean, to me, that's even a story. The fact that he sounds bitter about it. It doesn't sound optimistic that it's going to happen with the wild. He's going to be playing in Colorado by October 1. A buddy of mine did put in a good perspective. He said, he'll sign. If you or I could spend all summer getting drunk with our buddies just housing surfsides, not thinking out about work at all, we would.

He can and did. Now it's back to work and it'll happen soon. I'll go along with it. Either that or he's in Colorado by October 1st. Oh yeah, this is great. Medical device Jesus texted in. You have a connection to Barry Melrose, Randy Schaver. You just forgot about it.

Back during COVID when none of us were allowed to go to the barbershop or anything. Are you saying that I had the Barry Melrose cut. Yeah, you did kind of, didn't he? When you were on television during the COVID situation and you couldn't go out to see your neighborhood barber, you had a Barry Melrose haircut, or I should say a Barry Melrose hair due.

I kind of did. And I liked it. A lot of us liked it. I remember busting your chops on the air about your Barry Melrose look. He had the, you had that flow in the back. Yeah, I kind of did. Yeah, it was sexy. Wow.

First time anyone's called you sexy? Well, certainly anyone on this radio program, yes. I'm happy to be the first. The reigning National Basketball Association, finals MVP Jalen Brunson, will be hosting Saturday Night Live on September 26th. Interesting what kind of comedic chops he's got. I bet he'll be good.

I think he will be too. I'm feeling he will too. Four other NBA players have hosted Saturday Night Live, in the past. Who are they? Go. Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley has hosted the show like four or five times. Shack? No! Okay.

I expected to read his name on the list, too. No, Shaquillo, Neil has... How about Magic Johnson? No! Oh. Good answer. Magic, great personality, you know, fun-loving guy. You're missing a couple of Oz...

The word is obvious. answers. Oh, Darko? No, not Darko Milisich. I'd watch that episode. But I do still have his jersey hanging in my closet. That's awesome. Welcome to Saturday Night Live. I am your host, Darko Milovich. Milisich, whatever the hell his name was.

LeBron. LeBron James, is correct? Yep. I'll give you a hint. You don't have to... Wasn't Michael. Michael has never done it. You don't have to throw the ball into the basket. Yes, Michael Jordan.

I don't have to be a great basketball player. I don't have to be a great basketball player. I don't have to dribble the ball fast or throw the ball into the basket. I don't have to dribble the ball fast or throw the ball in the basket. One of the greatest bits in Saturday Night Live history. That was so good. When Michael Jordan visited Stuart Smalley for an episode of, what was it called? What was his show called?

Like, seeing yourself for revelations, renovations, resolutions. Okay, let's see. What was his name? Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley. He's one of my favorite characters. Daily affirmations. Daily affirmations. I loved that bit.

With Stuart Smalley. And the other NBA player, former NBA player who have hosted, who has a hosted Saturday Night Live. I have no memory of this. But I will always remember the day that we had him in studio.

Maybe was one of the proudest days we've ever had at this radio station. Bill Russell? Bill F me running sideways Russell. Speaking of great laughs. That's the greatest laugh.

No, we never made him laugh that hard, but when we had Bill Russell in studio, whenever anyone asked me, you know, what was the one famous person or whatever you've met, you know, that really grabbed you, I always say. My first answer was always Bill Russell. What an fantastic guy he was. Yeah, Bill Russell hosted the show. Hmm. Okay.

Who was the first ever pro athlete to host Saturday Night Live? Here we go. I'll give you the year. It was 19177. And we're going to have a long conversation here on athletes who have hosted Saturday Night Live because a lot of it's very... Joe Montana. 1977, Randy Schaeber. I don't know. I'll give you another hint. Reggie Jackson.

Good guess. I'll give you another hint. The some bitch worked right here in town. The first pro athlete to ever host Saturday Night Live worked right here in town in 19. and 77. F. Me running. Who was it? Well, it's got to be a Viking then. I don't know. It's got to be of Fran Tarkington. Fran Tarkenton. Well, of course, he was working for ABC at the time, wasn't he? Well, he was playing for the Vikings, for Christ's sake. But he was a TV guy.

Oh, I thought maybe he was just a player at the time. Well, I think that's the end of his career, is it not? Yeah, that was at the ass end of his career, yeah. One year later, OJ Simpson hosted Saturday Night Live. I had a feeling he was going to be on this list. Gulp. Here's Bill Russell, 1979. I'm rolling through now.

All of the pro athletes, professional sports characters, however you want to find it, who have hosted Saturday Night Live, because this is a really interesting list, at least in my opinion. John Madden, 1982. Bob Euker, 1980. Oh, I bet that was a fun episode. I've seen some of that episode on my 24-hour Saturday Night Live channel. Bob was so dry.

Oh, was he? You forget how dry his sense of humor. Oh, God, and he was excellent at keeping a straight face. He did a bit with Billy Crystal, and I don't know how he kept the straight face. He was excellent at it. 1985, Alex Karras. Oh, sure. Former NFL defensive tackle at the time.

In 85, Josh. What television show was he starring on in 85, Josh? What was that called? Webster. Webster. 1885, also a few months after Alex Karras, there was a tandem set of hosts the night before the very first WrestleMania. Mr. T. and Hulk Hogan teamed up to host Saturday Night Live.

And they say, if you talk to longtime wrestling fans, that their appearance on Saturday Night Live, the night before WrestleMania, basically saved that event, that so many people enjoyed watching Mr. T. and Hulk Hogan on Saturday Night Live, that they signed up for the pay-per-view the following night. And they say that if they would have bombed Vince McMahon

would have had to go and work for his brother-in-law at the friggin' Chrysler plant. But instead, it turned out to be a massive, okay, all the stinking, Oh, by the way, Josh, the night that Mr. T and Hulk Hogan co-hosted Saturday Night Live, you know who the musical guest was? Who that? The Commodores. Really?

1986, marvelous Marvin Hagler. Oh, yeah. One of the greatest middleweight boxers of all time. 1986, Billy Martin. Beloved Yankees manager, Billy Martin. God dang. Here's maybe what you were thinking, Randy. Shaver. In 87, there was another co-host type of a gig. Joe Montana and Walter Payton.

Oh, my gosh. Can you imagine? They co-hosted the Super Bowl the night before, pardon me, they co-hosted Saturday Night Live the night before the Super Bowl in 1987. Wow. Josh, stories that cause Cubby to tear up. Here it comes. Although this isn't much of a story, it's just a fact. January 30th, 1988. Carl Weathers hosted Saturday Night Live. So great. While pushing his big movie where he was the main star, which was called Rocky.

No, he was the main star. He was the top draw. He was the headliner. And the movie was called Action Jackson. Oh, I've never seen that. What? Is it one of those I should see? Action Jackson.

Okay. Wayne Gretzky in 89. Chris Everett. not the guy who played football for the Rams, the actual tennis player, Chris Everett, 1989, Michael Jordan, the audio we played for you a minute ago, 1991. Charles Barkley, like I mentioned, has hosted four times, and I think his first one was in the early 90s.

March 12th, 1994, the host of Saturday Night Live was Nancy Kerrigan. Just a couple months after they kneecaptor in Detroit. George Foreman in 94. Dion Sanders in 95. Dwayne the Rock Johnson has hosted the show five times. The first time was March 18th of 2000. I remember the first time he hosted. I watched it too and it was wonderful.

He was doing the monologue and you could hear some chirping and he goes, hey, you guys in the cheap seats, keep it down. And the camera cuts and it's the Mankind Big Show in Triple H. Exactly. I remember that like it was yesterday because I was such a big fan of the Rock at that point and the WWE in general. And big show, Mankind, Triple H, all got involved in a bid or two. At the end of the show, while the cameras were still rolling, Vincent Kennedy McMahon gave

the rock the most meaningful hug I've ever seen. Now it means a little less to me knowing what kind of a person Vincent Kennedy McMahon was deep down inside. But at the moment, I thought that was just the sweetest thing in the whole world. Okay, who else hosted Saturday Night Live as far as athletes go? 2001, Derek Jeter. Here's the only guy I was totally lost on. 2002, a freestyle skier named John Mosley.

Oh, yeah, Johnny Mosley? Jeff Gordon. Garden isn't a word. Well, it is, but it's not what I wanted to say. Jeff Gordon in 2003. Andy Rod Dick in 2003. Tom Brady, 2005, Lance Armstrong in 2005. The musical guest that evening was his fiancé at the time, Cheryl Crow.

They didn't last. No. They did his tour to France titles. What was his story again? Steroids. Oh, yeah. That worked out. Was he the guy that went down to one nut?

Yeah. Yep, yep. Same guy. 2007. Peyton Banning, 2007, LeBron. James 2008 Michael Phelps, Eli Manning, 2012, Rhonda Rousey, 2016. John Chana in 2016, J.J. Watt, 2020. The last pro athlete to host Saturday Night Live, miserably, was Travis Kelsey.

I'm kind of surprised John Cena just did one. At least according to this, it says it's just the one time. Seems like he'd be kind of like the rock where he'd be on a few of them. Maybe he sucked. Five-timers club. Maybe he blew at it, but I don't know. But I would imagine John, what's your name again? Josh, I would imagine that John Chana, as Santina Morella used to call him,

John Chana might have just been too busy. Oh, I bet you're right. He's always got something going on. Yeah, it seems like he's in everything. Or at least was. That's fun for me. Just straight. And I hope the rest of you feel the same.

Definitely. Yeah. I kind of wish I would have seen some of these. as they happened. I mean, I imagine Fran Tarkin must have done something with John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase. I mean, that must have been a hell of a deal

for the man. Yeah, right. All right, Randy Shaver. We got to get going again. Tomorrow will be our Friday. We got a guest coming in. So we'll bid you farewell until tomorrow at 7.30.

Okay. We'll talk football again tomorrow. Of course we will. Oh, yes. We should mention that Watch as Nuts is coming on the program tomorrow. Stevie. Cangaroo Pannies. Panys.

Steve Pannies? Steve Kangaroo Pannies. What the hell is his name again? Andrew DePaul. Andrew DePaul, Obe. We'll have our first chat with Andrew tomorrow. And, yeah, the Vikings play. Of course, we'll talk some football.

I love it. I love talking football up and down. I want to talk about strategies. Of course you do. How they line up at the, what are they going to do on third down? We'll talk you tomorrow, Randy. Sounds good. Go ahead and get on your telephone and text.

us if you have a question about your house pets. 651-9-89-9-9-3. Maybe your dog or your cat isn't feeling all that great. We've got an expert coming in that can help you out. Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital will be joining us. You can ask the vet here in a handful of minutes on the half-ass morning show. The 93-X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends.

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It's Dr. Andrea. Here to save you about $5,000 and answer your pet questions. It's Dr. Andrea. 3X Half-Aassed Morning Show. We're all dialed in. 828. Welcome back to the Half-Ass Morning Show. On this beautiful Thursday morning, I'll tell you what, Covey, I've already killed a lot of trees just in the last five minutes, printing off text messages for our next guest, Dr. Andrea Johnston. They do come in fast and furious. From German Animal Hospital, Dr. Andrea Johnston is here.

Go ahead. Ask the Vet if you have a question about your pets, 651. 989, 93. How you been? I'm good. I'm tired. We have a baby puppy at home and man, you forget. Tell us about the baby puppy. He's so cute. Fostering situation or a new family dog? No, a new family dog. We picked him up on Monday and man, you forget. You just forget, like, it's like having a baby at night.

How much work, yeah. What kind of dog? He's a German short hair pointer. Name? Oh, one of those wall climbers. Yeah. Yeah. His name is Bruce. Bruce.

Oh, Bruce. Bruce E. Bruce. Yep. Those little peckerheads can run and climb and jump and they're quicker than a hiccup. Yeah. That's wonderful. Yeah, he's great. But, you know, I took him out to go to the bathroom this morning.

He peed and brought him back in and peeped on my carpet. Yeah. You know, I have sympathy for all my pet owners now when it comes to the babies. You forget. You just forget. It's like having a baby or a drunk uncle in the house. You just don't know what is a... Except they can wear diapers.

They can. If you can hold them down. pry the bottle out of their hand. A dog in a diaper would be really cute. I know. Oh, yeah. I've had a couple. Yeah, have you? It's not cute.

We had one. Oh, is it? Towards the end of his life. I mostly just feel bad for them. It's not very cute when you open up the diaper. Oh, I bet not. Or when the diaper doesn't function, it's never-tized. They always kind of always smell like pee after that.

Oh, dog blow. Oh, that'd be something to see. While we have Dr. Andrea a set in here, before we absolutely bury her in questions from our glorious listening audience, you're the perfect person to ask this question. and this goes back to a conversation we had in the sports segment with Randy Shaver. Being a professional, knowing what you know about animals in general, how do you like a human being's chances in a fight to the death against a chimpanzee? Oh, I heard about this.

Zero. Zero percent. That guy's dead. I mean, what the heck? It's one of the greatest stories ever. this dude, he's an MMA fighter, and he says he's going to do it, he's getting a half a million dollars to fight a chimpanzee to the death, and he likes his chances.

No, I... He's actually cocky about it. You'll laugh because I got this random text for my mom this morning, and all it says is idiot fighting chimpanzee. Period. It's all it best. So you looked it up. My mom does that kind of thing.

I'm like, what does she talking about? Are you fighting a chip? Yeah, yeah. I have to do some research. Yeah. I know what you're saying. You thought maybe she was telling you a story about a relative. I'm like, who are you talking about?

Yeah, I mean, they have death grips. Oh, God. Yeah, no. And they got teeth. They're feisty. Rip his throat right now. Again, our Luther-Bloynton-Kee, a text line is 651-9-899-93. Got a long question here for starters, but an interesting one.

I'll try to abbreviate it as best as I can. Nine-year-old English Springer Spaniel. Best girl in the whole world, he says. diagnosed by a dog tomatrist, a dog optometrist, diagnosed with sard. Yeah. S-A-R-D. Can you explain to us what that is first and foremost? Yeah, it's called Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration Syndrome.

So they go acutely blind. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. Here's the question. He says he or she says, dog was completely blind. Falling downstairs, running into walls. Couldn't see a stinking thing.

thing. Now, over the last couple of months, we noticed that it appears she can see again. She's ducking under open car doors. We can take her to other people's homes and she does not have a problem running into things. So the question is, can dogs who have been diagnosed with Sard regain their sight? He was told by the vet that she would never be able to see again. Wow. So you have to do all the, you have to do like an electrol retnogram to see if there's activity in the retina. but sometimes it's autoimmune, and I'll have clients put their dot,

we'll put them on steroids, and they start to gain their vision back. So it depends on the big workup that the ophthalmologist did, and that is it truly sards, or was it something else, like an autoimmune condition? Because typically they don't gain their vision back. Okay. But they also are so good about sensing things without vision.

True. You know, they have their whiskers, they have their sense of smell, that they don't need their vision. That is true. You know, when I was it, kid. I knew a golden retriever with no eyes. Wow. You still feel bad for them, though. Had them both sewn shut.

And that dog was as, well, I shouldn't say as able-bodied as any other, because that would be ridiculous, but much more capable than I, when I first met the dog, I thought, wow, this is sad. What's the point of even having this? But the dog got itself around, drank, ate everything. They figured out. Yeah, they figured things out. For sure. It's been kind of a weird day with texts. We had three people text in about dog erections. Oh, yeah. Saying, hey, you know, our dog was neutered.

Yet anytime they sit down, this happens, get up, goes away, or they're getting random ones, and they're trying to figure out what's going on here. I mean, so they still have those stimulated glands. Like, they have something called spell this. bubble urethro glands. Nope. I always get people coming in and like, my dogs have lumps by their penis.

I'm like, that's a gland. And it secretes like a hormone and gets them excited. So just because they're neutered, they still have the tools. Josh, that dog is married, not buried. He can still make it happen. I don't know if you guys saw those two. We got three of them.

And I've actually had that question too, because one of our dogs, it's disgusting. I don't know what's going on. We've never had that happen with the dog before that was neutered. Yeah. Like are you referring to the actual, like seeing the people call it the Red Rocket, but the erection.

That's what people were saying. Yeah. I mean, that's very normal. The pink crayon. Yeah. The lipstick, all of the. We hear it. Right.

Right. You've heard it all. Somebody called it the lipstick. This is great. Your friendly neighborhood garbage man texted in to say, Jesus, dogs can get NRBs too? Yes, they can. You heard it from Dr. Andrew.

It's embarrassing, like, if my. son has buddies over. It's just like, yeah, I don't know how to explain that to you all. I know, right? It's like you're apologizing for it. It's not your fault. But a lot of times it's just them trying to establish dominance, too. There may not even be a hormonal component.

Really? Like, I watched my eight-week-old puppy try and mount my four-year-old dog yesterday. Oh. Pretty friendly around here. It did not go well. Yeah, that's brave. Very brave of that puppy. He threw him off the couch so fast.

Oh, yeah. I'll bet. He'll learn real. You'll learn. Just on a side note here, back to this total lunatic who supposedly is going to straight up fight a chimpanzee. A listener has told me that there is a website currently in activation that is conducting a countdown to the fight. So it's counting like we used to count down to Jalen Hurd's birthday. There's a website out there that says anyway, I have the website if anyone wants to know.

When's the date? Tomorrow. Tomorrow night. What? Yeah. And is it on TV? Is it live? Streaming.

They say it's streamed somewhere. Come on. Yeah. Streaming online specifically. Get yourself some burgers and popcorn and a keg of beer. Okay. Three weeks ago, a listener says, our 14-year-old cat ended up in the ER came home with two inhalers for asthma. Turned out to be bronchitis.

Our vet suggested an echo cardiogram. to rule out heart or kidney problems. But they said there may not be much we could do if something was found. So what's the benefit of doing the echo? Yeah. Treatment options are not available. Is there anything else we should do or monitor to keep him comfortable and healthy? Sounds like the cat has asthma, one.

And that's why they saw some bronchitis in the airways. But honestly, cats are so good at hiding heart disease that if I could do echoes on every single cat that walked in the door, if finances weren't a limitation, would because you would be surprised how many cats have heart disease that you don't know it. They don't have a heart murmur. They don't have any arrhythmia. That's scary. So, yeah, it would be to their benefit. I mean, you had a cat.

Yeah. Right? Like, they just go silent. Same thing happened to Big Lou. Yep. Big Lou looked like a million bucks, acted like a million bucks. And then one day he was just as tired as all hell and found out, yes, it was heart disease. And he didn't hang around much longer than that. Yeah, there's never a wrong reason.

And you can treat some of it. Some of it's treatable. That's good to know. Yeah. This person says my girlfriend has a mix, some sort of pit in something else. He itches a lot, always scratching. He has allergy meds and a spray, but he can't stop scratching. What else should we try for?

There's a new allergy drug I really like called Zinralia. It just came out. So there's Apochil, there's Zinralia, there's Cytopoint. Sometimes I just have to go old school and just use prednisone for like a bad flare-up. This is by far the worst allergy season I've seen in. six, ten years. It's so bad right now. So you might need some extra stuff. Or I see a dermatologist. My brother's dog is on predizone right now and he's getting fat from it.

Oh, yeah. You put on weight from it? They get extra hungry. Super hungry. Oh, really? Yeah. So bad for the guy. Yeah. While we're talking about dope and this is an easy one for you, I'm sure. What is the right kind of dope? A listener wants to know for a dog who can't relax in the car. Trazidone. It's my favorite. Trazidone. Capapentin. Xanax. There's multiple styles.

You kind of have to find the right cocktail for the dog. Okay. Yeah, or maybe a combo of the three. Does the size of the dog matter in any? Yeah, because you need different dosing. And sometimes when you give it, like sometimes I'll say give it the night before the car ride and then the morning of.

So you have like a loading dose. It depends on how bad the dog is. We always forget the loading dose at our house. And Dr. Andrea is the one that prescribed our dog some anxiety medication. I can't remember what once she has. has, but Dr. Andrea was like, you know, we're going to have to find the sweet spot. And it's funny because we did like half a pill. It didn't work.

So then we upped it, I think we did one and a half then. And then she pooped on the carpet. Nice. So we dropped it back down. You guys just skipped a whole level or two. Yep. I blame the medications too and I poop on the carpet. I'm sorry to hear this.

Trailer repaired Jesus. He had to put his kitty down yesterday, only five. Oh, I'm sorry. But he had a question. They had a large mass in the stomach, multiple, blocking everything. Wow. And he was just curious, how do those form? It hit her really hard and quick.

Well, it's most likely cancer, right? Just the big question for people, too. Like, why do some people get cancer? Genetics, potentially. Sometimes even cats can have feline leukemia that's underlying that they don't get tested for, and then they get cancer early on, too. but it's just mutation of cells. That's too bad. Only five.

That's really unfortunate. Sorry. We're jaw jacking with Dr. Andrea Johnston from German Animal Hospital. 651-989933. If you have a question about your wonderful or totally ungrateful house pet. Nine-year-old boxer. When it sleeps, it sounds like she's regred. or has stomach acid and she makes that licking kind of motion.

Is there something over the counter? Is there something going on with this active stomach while the dog sleeps? Yeah. I mean, you could try Pepsi at C over the counter, see if that helps. Sometimes if they're sleeping at night on an empty stomach too long, they get gurg or reflux. So maybe feed a little snack before bed. See if that helps to kind of soak up some of that gastric acid.

But nine-year-old boxers, you know, I'd get it checked out too if there's something. Make sure nothing else is going on. Gerd. Gerd. Sucks. I like that word. It is the word. Egan Commercial Recycling Jesus says they have a one-year-old cane corsel.

I want one of those someday. They're so cool. Absolutely. I'd love to have one of those someday. When she gets excited, she will bite, not hard, but rather than lick, she does a little bite. Is that normal for this breed? I wouldn't say for the breed. Sometimes I get overstimulated, and that's the way they respect.

on. Cats do that too. I would try and redirect that dog if you start seeing it coming, kind of do something else to redirect it. I wouldn't promote it because it may get worse as the dog gets older. People are afraid of, I mean,

they're beautiful dogs and they're so sweet, but they also have that like regal look to them that people can be afraid of them too. Oh God, come on with this. What? Excited like an antenna dong. Jesus. That's not what I'm reeling from.

I've heard that name before. We have a doodle. She walks around like she's beef walking. Oh, stop. We banned that word. Stupid. I did. Makes me laugh every time.

The ban is not working, actually. People are ignoring the ban. A three-year-old cat with a small cloudy spot in one of her eyes. What could this be? It could be a scar from a previous scat. scratch. Oh, like a fight. Mm-hmm. Okay. Sometimes they'll get, like, fat or calcium deposits on the surface of their cornea.

Sometimes it could be, like, a little cataract. It depends on it if it's in the eye or on the surface. You might want to have a vet, just check it out. Most likely benign. When's the last time you had to break up a halacious cat fight at the office? It's not necessarily cat fight. It's cat versus vet. Yeah, versus me or a technician. They've torn you up. Gosh, they can be nasty. Has there ever been like an animal brawl at the vet?

No. So was it sanctioned? Yeah, right. No. We're really cautious about like the ones that are dog aggressive. They come in the side door and go straight to the room. They have a secret door. They do because the clients are super spooked that their dog would, you know, go at another dog.

But cats are a whole other story. I mean, they are so unpredictable. Oh, they get so pissed. You just have to chase them around those rooms sometimes. They're just jumping everywhere. I'm like cling on to the guy's back and he had to like slide off his jacket. Oh my God. And he had like claw marks in his back.

I mean, they can be. That's like cats sketch me out. That's also why they're so cool. I love them for that reason. I do. Just you don't know if this thing loves you or it's seconds away from kicking your ass. Totally. Front load Jesus has a four-month-old doodle lab hound.

Very cute, by the way. He sent a picture. But he's eating rocks. What's up with this ding-dum? You're a briggin' rock eater. I can't tell you how many times in my career I've taken x-rays for other reasons. And I'm like, oh, and your dog has like 10 rocks. It's been standing.

We have a dog that had a golf ball in its stomach. We took x-rays for another reason. Got to play it where it lies, right? It's a behavioral thing. I would really, really try and get out of that habit. You might need to have them wear a basket muzzle when they go out. So they don't eat the rocks. That's hilarious.

It really is. I know it's a pan of the ass. It costs a lot of money. It's really weird. It's dangerous and all that. But just knowing your dog goes outside and just deep throats a handful of money. That's just awesome. Yeah, not grass. Not what normal dogs do. No wonder the cat wants to kick his ass when he comes inside. You stupid idiot. Totally. It's Dr. Andrea. On the 93X half-ass morning show. Now we're back with more.

With our guest, Dr. Andrea Johnston, German Animal Hospital's own, Dr. Andrea Johnston. Let's fire a few more commercials. That doesn't make any sense. Let's fire a few more questions your way before we have to get back to commercials. And our listeners love our commercials. Oh, we get comments all the time. Let's fire a few. Oh, you mentioned you have a brand new puppy.

Bruce. Yeah, Bruce. Just showed me a picture. Bruce puppy in the world. And again, the breed is. German short hair. Tiny little. Right now he's 10 pounds.

Do they get bigger? Yeah, they're like 50-ish. 50-ish? Oh, really? I was thinking of the miniature model. No, they're big. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, well, maybe this question goes nowhere. I assumed, and a listener assumed, that you were talking about one of those miniature pincher type characters. Oh, but they wanted to know if Bruce had any outfits yet. You know, the way people like to dress up their small dogs? No? No?

Well, he's a hunting dog, so he'll probably have some blaze orange, right? Do you support small dogs who wear their own costumes and outfits? You guys wouldn't believe the stuff we see. Like the down vests in the winter. Oh, yeah. They're fine. They're okay without that jacket. Yeah.

You've done that before. How do you and Nickville? Oh, the dog's got all kinds of outfits. I love it. Your current dog does? Yeah. Okay, I know in the past you have. What's your favorite?

Does he ever wear like any Liederhosen for anything? I have seen a dog in Lederhosen. I have seen dogs in Christmas sweaters. My current favorite, Gertrude has a Timberwolves jersey. Oh, that's cute. That's awesome. She's like crunch themed or is it a particular player?

It just says jersey number zero, so she must be a big, what's the Italian kid that blew his Achilles out? Oh, DeVanzenzo. She's a big Donatelo, DeVincenzo, whatever the hell they got named. Yeah, I'm wildly familiar with pet outfits. Absolutely. Oh, that's funny. Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I got confused and her listener got confused. they thought your little puppy was going to remain a little. No, he'll be big. Well, you can get the big dogs, too. Like, we have a huge, like, down jacket for our dogs, but we just put it on to stress them out. But I think we all know it's a hell of a lot easier

dressing a five-pound dog up than it would be a 55-pound. Yes. Yeah, yes. They prefer not to be. Nope. Dr. Andrea, why are German Shepherds, a listener wants to know, why are German Shepherds the most common breed to be trained?

to be trained for things like search and rescue or for service to the police force. That's a really good question. I mean, every dog was bred originally for a reason, right? So this is crazy. Do you guys know what Vicholas are? No. They are like the red, skinny hunting dogs. They were originally bred.

We were just talking about this at work. Vicholas and Weimaraners were originally bred to hunt deer by chasing after them and grabbing them by the testicles. Oh, geez. That's incredible. Yeah. I'll tell you what, Dr. Andrea, that is a thankless job. Exactly. It truly is.

But, I mean, every breed, like, German Shepherds are very smart. They have great noses. They're trainable, and they also, they're guard dogs. Like, that's what they were bred to do, just like Doberman Pinchers, right? Yeah. Charpeze were meant to be, like, in the Chinese dynasty and would sit by the throne. Right. I mean, they all have.

Doxons would hunt badgers. Yorkies, mice. Yeah. Yonians would hunt rodent. Yeah, I mean, they all have, and that's still innately in them, no matter how many times you breed them. What is the other common police dog, Josh, I can never come up with that. Malinwa. Those dogs are insane.

They're even smarter. They were meant for that. They're nuts. Yeah, they're. It does seem more departments are kind of moving to that. Yeah, and they're like, a lot of them are coming from Europe, like Eastern Europe. What would you say is the least trainable breed to play that hero role? A French bulldog.

A bulldog. Yeah, maybe this is too tough of a question. Yeah. I mean, that's very silly about the dog that was trained to go after testicles. Is there another breed that was trained for something really, or excuse me, bread for anything really stupid? Oh, gosh. I feel like a lot of them are like, like, there's some of you're like, what, what's your purpose, right? Because when they always had a purpose way back when.

Right. Gosh, I'd have to think about that. What the hell were chihuahuas made for? Yeah, I think they were kind of rodent chisers too. Probably rodent hunters. Yeah. You know what's crazy is like the New Finland? They have their feet and their hair coat is literally like waterproof so they can float because they're search and rescue.

Right. Like in the ocean. Yeah. That's so cool. And a lot of it's just how they're made. I watched a documentary once about labs. Sorry, excuse me, about like their tails about how it's like made to help them swim. Propel.

That's so sweet. I know. It is cool. And then you look at your dog and you're like, you're useless. Where did you lose this along the way? My brother had a black lab who was made. for drinking bush light out of a keg. What about the, yeah, it's all very interesting stuff to know the origin.

I got to think about that. I always thought the Wymeran Arbichla one was weird, chasing deer. Yeah, going after the privates. They are fast enough. I had a corgi once who I believe was made to complain constantly about everything that, just every, nothing made her happy. Everything made her wine. That's because they're like the queen's dogs, right?

Their loyalty. A lot of attitude. Dude. We are getting text from people saying their dog was bred to flageulate in their experience. Is it a bulldog? It's probably a bulldog. This is a question about a cat, actually. Oh.

Accompanying picture, which I'm glad because I've never seen this before. A six-year-old Bambino Sphinx. Wow. Which weezes, well, deep weezes and snores constantly while he sleeps. Any idea if I should be concerned. How old is it? Six-year-old. There it is.

Oh, my gosh. They're so cool looking. They're so, if you touch them, they're like warm. They're just hairless and warm. So a couple of things. Probably asthma, especially if there's a seasonality to it. But male cats, especially if they're young, they are susceptible to nasal-ferengal polyps. So a polyp grows in the ear into the throat and they snore.

So you might need to get that cat looked at, look in the airway, or look in the ear and look in the mouth. Sometimes I need to have a CT scan. Okay. People are texting in saying that Josh's mother was trained to go for the testicles. Oh, back to cats. A listener says, can cats truly see in the dark? If so, that would explain who pooped in my crocs the other night. That's awesome.

Somebody's mad. Can you a message about crocs? Can they truly see in the dark? Yeah, they can see in the dark. I mean, they can see very well. Yeah. And they have good senses. Which can see better in the dark.

Dogs are cats. Oh, cats are usually superior. Cats do everything better in those things. They do. They're just smart. They're the better idea. Just a better idea. We don't have time for this last question, I don't think.

Because this is a loaded question. Dr. Andrea, can you explain the magic of puppy breath? Oh, gosh, what is that? It is just magical. Why does it go away? Have you been doing nothing but huffing your new puppy's breath? It is the best. Yeah.

Oh, they're so cute. I wonder if there's a, you know, there's weird candles for everything. I wonder if there's a puppy. Oh, there's got to be it. I don't think you'd want that in your house. I'm going on Amazon right now. You know, that might be a little overwhelming. In small doses, it's great.

I think the puppy has to accompany the breath. Yeah. I don't think they can be separate. I think you're right. Yeah. I think there is a puppy breath. There's a lot of them actually. Oh, there is.

Yeah, my goodness. Wow. What about like Dorito breath or anything like that? Beer breath. Dr. Andrea, thanks very much. Thank you. We are both. course, Andrea and I from the motherland, Wazetta.

Yeah. Does that mean you're going to be out celebrating J.J. Hill days this weekend? We'll be there. We're doing rails and ails tomorrow night. Are you going to bring the puppy? Yeah, oh, for sure. You'll be walking the puppy around? Yeah, it's good socialization.

Rails and Ailes. Me not knowing anything about that, that sounds like an insane night. Everybody brings their dog to J.J. Hills. It's kind of a crazy scene. Ashley's picturing cocaine. Definitely not. Like, wow. They really know how to part.

I don't think that's what they mean. No. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you. Great to see you again. Bye. Happy birthday to Kenzie,

turning the big 08 from Dad. Why Ricky O.C. Jr. Jesus. Happy 18th birthday to I'm prettier than you, Sheez. From Dad, dairy farming, sheet metal, banging your mom, Jesus, but not your mom. Congratulations to Runs with Rice Jesus. Today's his last day of work before he goes all in on his own business. And happy 50th to Harley from his better half, Susie Sheezis. 93x half-assed morning show.

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