93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Mike, Mike

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Originally Aired  September 16, 2026: You callin' me a dog? Married, not buried. Everything you've ever wanted to know about living right next door to hell.   Listen & subscribe to the show on the 93X app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Text the show at 651-551-9393. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, podcast friends. It's Dana here. I know you're excited for the show, so let's just get right down to Brass Tax. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 and save $140.40 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93X to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. online at standardheating.com.

Enjoy the show. The 93x half-ass morning show. 90. 3. All right. The time has come. Ready or not, we're frigging live. So we ought to give it our best effort.

Let's bang the brains smooth out of this year, a Wednesday broadcast. Josh, you go first, and then you can tag me in when you run out of wind. Bang the brains out of something? that we're banging this broadcast. I don't have the energy for that. Banging it. I'm too old for that. Welcome to the Half-Ast morning show.

We got a little bit of a different vibe this morning. Dana's got the day off. So we asked a coworker of ours if he wanted to come on in and hang out with us today. And that co-worker said absolutely not. So we asked a different coworker. and that guy hesitated at first, but eventually he said yes. And that guy is the all-powerful program director here at 93X.

I like it when you say all-powerful. How about this? Tell me if you like this. I had this written out. The all-powerful program director at 93X. A young kid by the name of Derek Madden. That's good. That's good.

That's good. Being referred to as a young kid? Yeah, first time in like 10 years, I think, maybe. I think that's one of the more nice introductions that's ever been given on this radio show. Usually it's some sort of insult, hurtful at times. Oh, well, if you want to bring things back to normal, Josh? Yeah. Who's the dildo who has the volume up so high on the music? Oh, no, that's the young kid that you were saying.

That's nice things about a second ago. My apologies. I left that where Dana said it for me this morning. Yeah, bring her down a little bit. Bring her down. my guy. Derek, you've sat in a few times before. I have. I know we've enjoyed this experience, or the experience.

And we know these aren't your preferred hours, so thank you. You're welcome. We do appreciate it. It's the first time I've seen you with glasses, I think. Yeah, you know, I'm trying out a different vibe. Actually, no, I'm just getting old and I can't see any. Yeah. We're all in that same boat.

You look all right. You wear it well. It happens fast. Very distinguished. Yeah, it does happen fast. It happened fast for me too. Oh, God. So, no, we've got to take advantage of this now because, you know,

we need to find out what the hell is new in your life. And the reason why we're so interested is, and you know this, you've been working in radio for a long time, despite being such a young, young kid. The reason we're so interested in your life is because morning show people don't have a life. We're locked into these terrible hours.

Our social lives are garbage, so we survive solely on the stories of those who do get to experience real life. Okay. So talk to us, brother. Yeah, what's going on? You travel a lot. You have some pretty big changes in your life. Where are you been?

Talk about the changes. I'm trying to remember the last time I was here. What's been going on since then. But yeah, I got engaged. around New Year's Eve. First time for me. I think that's the first time. I don't think you've been here since that happened.

Yeah. You travel quite often. You're going to all these rock shows. Yeah, I travel for work. I travel to go sometimes to see bands, which is sort of work and sort of not. And then my fiancé lives in another country. So I got to go.

She lives in another country. Yeah, she lives in another country. Now, that's a unique setup. It is. I once broke up with a girl because she lived in White Bear Lake. Yeah, it was too far away from my home. You see what I'm saying? I understand.

That's kind of how it goes for me, too. I liked her. I liked everything about her, but I just could not bring myself to drive to White Bear Lake one more time. So I left her in the dust. Your fiancé lives in another country. That's correct. That is very original. Across an ocean.

So, you know, it's not, look, if I was commuting there every day, I would probably be in trouble. But we've got a nice little thing going. where I see her, you know, every couple of months and we, you know, stay close and in touch in those times between. And then this summer she came over for a while, so she's been here almost three months, which has been awesome. I'll be dead. She's back home right now, right?

No, she leaves next week. She's in town. You guys doing any, like, last minute big plans before she heads out? We're just doing stuff. Nothing like crazy last minute, a couple dates, and, you know, things here and there. You would think if... Is it still called a mail order bride or...

Oh. What do they call it now? When you just decided I can't find somebody in my own country, I got to order one online or something? There was no ordering. Nothing like that. No ordering happening. It was online, though, right?

It was online. Yeah, I met her online. And she's just a batty. That's kind of... Everybody meets... She's a baddie. She's a baddie. She is a baddie.

I absolutely love her. What does it mean? What does it mean to be a baddie? It just means you're hot. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I remember there was some people around here that didn't get it. This is funny. A recreational gynecologist Jesus texted in right when we introduced you, Derek, and said,

oh, wow, the shoe guy. Oh, yeah, that's me. You do love shoes. We have mentioned before on this program, you love tennis shoes. You're easy to buy for for that reason. It is good. Oh, that makes it so much harder. Because you just have to give him like a gift card.

I have no idea. If I was to buy him shoes, I would have no idea. I'd probably end up, like, getting him a pair of sketchers. Google it. Yeah. That's all you got to do. What are the best? That's true.

What are the best shoes right now? You can even search for a gentleman that loves shoes. What are some good ones? Yeah, it's like you don't, I'm not quite as into it as I was just because now I don't have the time. You know what I mean? So I'm not as up on the latest. But yeah, I keep an eye. And I know when good stuff comes out, I try to jump on it.

I'd imagine that time has spent masturbating on video with your significant other living overseas. I was trying to figure out how you work that relationship because like you said, Nick, when I first dated my wife, I lived in Eden Prairie and she lived in Farmington. And I thought if she ever dumps me, there's no way I would have a relationship like that again. No, there's absolutely no way. Friggin' farming.

Yeah, I absolutely, when I was dating my husband, he lived in Otsego and I lived in Osceola, Wisconsin. And it was like a 45-minute, 50-minute drive. And I would never do that again. If we weren't, if we broke up tomorrow, I'd be like, no, you got to be within a 20 minute radius. Never again. 20 minutes even is a little far, I think. Pushing it?

It's got to be in the same zip code. There's got to be somebody that lives on the block somewhere. Well, let me ask you guys then. When you're in these long distance relationships, did video technology come into play? No. Yeah. Derek, remember. He went to Ireland for two weeks and it came into play.

Remember who you're talking to for a second. Yeah, you know, video, it's very available now. I don't think Nick would do it now. Fair enough. If I would have been able to figure out how to trade videos back and forth, we probably would have. But that is such an original story there. So, by the way, so, oh, one listener wants to know is this gal Canadian like Josh's sidepiece? See, everybody makes that mistake.

You've got that. What do you mean? What mistake? She's not Canadian. She's a model, yes. She's a model. But she lives on the American side of Niagara Falls. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, she's not on the Canadian side. It's the American side. You're right, I make that mistake. Our listeners make that mistake. It's a very common mistake. She is full-on, four-alarm American. She's like a top-10 model. Like, if I said her name, you'd know who it was.

But no, your fiancé is not Canadian. She, you said you have to travel across an ocean in order to. So how did that, tell us about the first date. Oh, yeah. With somebody who, who, I mean, we talk on and on, you know, morning radio every once in a while. We talk about dating, and, you know, first dates usually comes into play, and there are a lot of people who get very nervous over a first date,

and you worry about the impressions that you make. It must be a totally different animal when you have traveled hundreds, thousands of miles for that first date, or the other way around, she has traveled thousands of miles for that first date, date? What kind of frigging pressure is that? Do you mind if I go back real quick, just a little before that, when you're online dating, it's not worldwide typically, right? Like, how did the two of you find each other than the person? Yeah, we didn't mean on a dating site.

Oh, okay. We'd met just to, you know, just being online, started talking. Okay. All right. Exchange numbers. Okay. Not necessarily a hookup dating site. Exactly.

Hinge international. Yeah, like only far. The first. Dot com. Yeah, only really effing far.com. The first time the two of you met face to face. Did you go all the way to her home country? I did. This is where kind of everything sort of worked out.

You went all the way there. Yeah, there was a band here that we play called Spirit Box. Spirit Box. That we were the first station really in America to support. They're an English band. No, they're an American band. But I got invited to go see them open for Lincoln Park. Okay.

at Wembley Stadium. Jesus. Wow. In London. We don't get invites like that. That's so sick. So, yeah, so I'm like, hey, I got this trip coming over. You want to meet me here?

And she's like, yeah, so that was the first date we had three days in London together. You were on your way to England anyway. Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty cool deal. Hey, I can get you into this thing. That's a great first date. Also, it wouldn't have looked good if you would have. had her come to you the first time.

I think I've been taught my whole entire life not to do that exact thing. Yeah, for sure. For sure. I mean, that would be, that's a big risk for a woman too, right? To just travel to some country. Oh, geez. Yeah, good point. So, you know, my first question was going to be, you know,

you travel all the way to England for a first date. Yeah. What if it's a total disaster? But you didn't really have to worry about that because you had concerts and other things going on. I had other things going on, but also, we had been chatting and, you know, electronically communicating. For how long?

Several months. Several months before you met. So we pretty well knew we liked each other. You felt like you knew her well enough. I suppose it's not a blind date. I was all the way in by the time we got to that date. You were even before you met her. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I know it's crazy as it sounds. You were like fully infatuated, maybe even possibly in love with this woman before you even sat in the same room with her. Oh, yeah. You are so modern. You're so chic, you're so hip. And so she lives in London or around there? That's where she's from?

Yeah, she lives, I wouldn't say she's not in London, but yeah, she's right around there. A couple hours away. What was the language barrier like? No kidding. You're dating somebody from a different country. Do you use like one of those translating apps? There actually are, it's funny, there are some words. Oh, yeah.

That have different meanings over there or one of them I can't really say. Oh, really? Yeah, but, you know, there's some words that. Slang terms. And then obviously they have different phrases for different stuff that we do. Like, you know, like the trunk of a car is a boot over there or an elevator is a lift, you know, that kind of stuff. Does she throw the C word out like it's no big deal? She'll drop a C word every now and again.

Oh, that's awesome. The C word over there is not what it is here. Exactly. And I have had to explain to her what it means here. Oh, I wish it was like that here. I wish we could just drop that whatever. I love that word. Very casually they use that one over there.

Yeah, we've discussed that before. They're Lucy Goosey with the C word. We find that to be a lot of fun. Especially because that's just one here, you better not say. It depends on the crowd, you know. It depends on the crowd. That's all very interesting stuff. So you are planning to tie the knot when?

So this is always, people always ask me this. And I guess the easiest way to explain is, have you seen the show, 90-day fiancé? No, never saw it. Me neither. but that's the path we're on. Well, what does that mean? So she wants to come to live here with me. Oh, I see.

That's good because we'd kill you if you moved. There's some paperwork. You got some paperwork and some telephone calls to make. We've applied a visa for her, which is called the K-1 visa, but it's kind of known as the fiancé visa. And basically the way it works is, you know, you go through the process. Once you get approved at the end of it, then you have 90 days to get married.

Okay. So I don't think I've ever met, Josh, do you ever met anyone who's been in a setup like what Derek is involved in? Yeah, they met a little differently. They met through their work. And so my friend lived here, actually a former coworker of ours. Oh, yeah? She lived here and they had a, she got a new job after she left here, and they had a branch in Germany somewhere.

And so she met a guy. He came over here for work. They ended up dating. she goes to Germany, like she moved to Germany. Duhas. She liked, yeah, Duhas indeed. Right. She liked adventure and stuff like that, so she was excited.

She lived there for about a week. They broke up. No. She didn't speak the language. I'd be so pissed. And she was stuck there for like a month, you know, because she did a job transfer and stuff. Didn't know anybody whatsoever.

It was miserable. Oh, nightmare. Yeah, I think I remember you telling me this story. Okay, Derek, what if you would have had to have learned a new language in order to be with this woman? Probably would have been screwed. Yeah. I mean, look, we wouldn't have.

We wouldn't have been able to communicate. I would have walked away from that. Yeah. On the level that we were. Yeah, exactly. To have to learn a new language. That'd be tough. Do you know any other languages?

I do not. You know, I've done some duolingo Spanish. I went to Spain a few years ago, and I just felt like a dummy not knowing anything. So I started studying a little Spanish, but I would not say I'm even conversational in that yet. I was joking about the translator apps, but I met a guy yesterday who spoke no English whatsoever. And we used one of those apps. He had it on his phone. It was pretty incredible.

We were able to talk. I don't know if there's any weird translations or whatever, but. Was it like a voice to voice kind of thing, or you just type in and showing each other your phone? Voice to voice. So he would talk into it. I'd read it, and he'd hand me his phone, and I'd talk into it and would translate what we were saying. You had a conversation like this recently? Just yesterday.

Who was this person? There was a guy painting some stuff at our house. Of course, someone at the house. It's been a while. Jesus. I've got money on Uber driver, but. No, no, and he spoke no English whatsoever. And I've never met anybody that did not at all speak English, right?

Now, we give Josh a lot of grief around here for his inability to end a conversation. Despite the fact that you and this other guy did not know each other's languages, did you still pin this guy down for four and a half hours? We're texting right now. Oh, my God. Yeah, he said to say hi. Derek, he says loves he on the show. Well, that must have been kind of fun. So he said jibber, jabber, jabber, jabber, jibber, jibber, and then he would point his phone at you

and it would tell you what he said. Yeah. And then in his ears, he hears you say jibber, jabber, jib, and you're pointing each other's phones and you... Yeah, the first thing he asked me is if I minded it, if he used my microwave. That was the first conversation we had. What was his word for microwave? I don't know.

I didn't even know what he was doing at first. Microwava. I said hi to him. I was like, hey, you know, thanks for coming out. And he kind of had a blank stare. And then he just said, no English. Miklewivi. So I thought maybe he was kidding so they could talk about me.

Was it, was it, Micklewee? No, what does that mean? It's microwave. Is that really what it is? I'm joking, of course. I was going to say it. That's so on the nose. It's adorable.

So now you have a new friend? Yeah. Derek, here's a question. We're jaw jacking with our program director, Derek Madden. He's filling in today for Dana. And he was just telling us about his very interesting life. And again, we need these stories. Josh and I and Ashley, we need these stories because we have no social.

life. We have nothing interesting going on. He was telling us about his fiance who lives in England, and they started their relationship via the internet. So here's a couple of listeners have texted in with this question. Okay. And I think we already know the answer, but I want to hear it out loudskies. Did you, did you see your fiance naked before you met her in person? Oh, 100%. Saw her. naked before you met her in person. Isn't that most situations these days? Before you meet him in person? Before you meet him in person? That's a pretty cool person. I wouldn't say most. No, I wouldn't say most. That's how I met my realtor, I guess, now that you mentioned it.

You met your realtor. Yeah, we saw each other naked before we met in person. Maybe the young people aren't sending each other nudes as much as we used to. I know what you mean, but I wouldn't say most. I wouldn't say most. In my life on the apps, I have occasionally, you know, match with someone and got a nude, like, right away without asking. Really? Is that cool or not cool? I might be concerned. I was a little bit of both, to be honest.

At first I might be like, wow, this is really cool. And then I'd think about it and go, that's got to be move number one for everybody. But I did eventually go out with that person. It worked. You are a legendary woodsman. That is true. People didn't think that you could be tamed. If you looked at my life.

You know, you and I, Derek, have joked about this. If you looked at my life, even, when did you start here, but 10 years ago or more now? 11. 11. 11, wow. Even when you started, you and I are a few months apart in age. And you looked at my life and your life, it would seem like we're two decades apart. Me being older and you being younger, like even older than I am, the lifestyles.

Although you get there. Yeah, see, but not planning on having children. So. Well, yeah, you're too old for that. Keeps me young. Yeah. You don't want to be going to a high school grad party when you're 69 years old, do you? Hell no.

Yeah, having some of those talks when you're in your 60s? Yeah, we're the old parents now. With my stepkids, we were the young parents. My wife got started super early. Yeah, she was handing it out like Halloween candy back in the day. Yeah, she used to, that's for sure. Oh, man. I love that story, Derek.

Thank you. I also want to just add, you guys have all met my fiancé. Yes. It's not a, you know, Canadian girlfriend situation. Oh, yeah, she's real. She's very much rich. That is true, very real. We just saw her at the Creed Show.

I'm glad you established that because Ashley was just talking about how it is these days. There are quite a few people getting caught up in that, like that psychotic. What is that called? Fishing? Catfishing. Catfishing. That's psychotic deal where you fall in love. Derek sending her iTunes gift card every week.

I mean, months and months and months. trading messages and I love you and pictures and then it's all fake, right? And they bleed your bank account in the process. Oh, my God. Yeah, if you're a Netflix person at all, there's a documentary. It's been out a while now. It was popular maybe two, three years ago, called the Tinder Swindler. I think I may have watched that. Lays out that scenario. We talked about it.

We did. We talked about it. The Tinder Swindler. Yeah. It's pretty entertaining, I've got to say, and kind of crazy. Were you scared at first of something like that? The microphone just fell off of the darn thing. Ashley just swatted her own microphone, smooth out the moorings, blended in her lap. You don't know your own strength. That's kind of fun.

But yeah, yeah, did that make you nervous at all? I mean, was there a week or two where you're like, is this person real? Look, it crosses your mind at some point, but I felt confident my own judge of character, I think. You know what I mean? So I felt pretty good about the situation. I bet that stuff is going to get so much more. sketchy now with the way that AI is like taking over it's gonna be really easy to catfish people and thinking you're in a relationship yeah especially now

that you can voice and video and stuff yeah it's kind of scary isn't that part is a little scary so is there now that we'll be seeing her more when she moves here is there anything that annoys people from England that maybe we don't know like if we said hey do Austin Powers I'm sure she'd get tired of that but are there things like that that this the culture is different enough where it would kind of bother her oh yeah what does she find to be a little ennoise about Americans. Not much.

She really likes it. She loves it here. She seems like a very happy person. She is. And I would say that, like, yeah, she's always liked America and the idea being here. Does she make fun of our hard ours? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I can understand it. The way I say water or whatever. You know what I mean? I've had a couple of brief conversations with your fiancé, and I have to admit that I've, on purpose, tried to keep it short because I don't understand what English people are saying. Ever, I don't. I can't follow what they're saying. And it's no offense to her because she seems like a very nice person,

but I've kept it very short because eventually I'm going to have to, as a grown man, say, I can't understand anything that you're saying to me right now. I have a hard time speaking to her because in my head I'm really self-conscious and I'm afraid that I'm starting to use an accent. Like, does anybody else afraid they do that? Would you like to come back to my flat? Yeah. Are you one of those that I'm...

Back to mine. That's what they say over there. Back to what? We start to come back to mine. Back to mine, inn'n't it? I like that. Oh, she loves it, isn't it? They end almost all their sentences with Innet.

Oh, you know what? It's Derek, inn'n't it? Yeah, that's how they do it. Maybe I should have a bone to pick with you, Derek. I had text you after the Creed show. I can't remember what, I think I was just, you know, saying, hey, that was fun and that kind of thing. And I said some nice things about your fiancé, but she checked your phone. What if I had said some terrible things about it?

her. I would have been in some trouble. I didn't know that. We are now on phone trust. She knows the passwords and stuff. Yes, she must because she said it was her. And I thought, oh, no, what if I said something bad or inappropriate? Like, man, that's one hot piece of ass you got there. I think she would have enjoyed that. She would have been okay with that? Yeah, I think she would have been okay. So, Ashley, you're saying, are you the type that kind of absorbs somebody else's accent and then spits it right back at them like Madonna did back in the mid-90s? I'm afraid that I do. I'm not sure if I actually do, but I'm in my, like, I'm very self-conscious about it. Josh and I have told those stories before about a couple of friends of ours who went away for a

week, sometimes a little longer, and then they come back with this new dialect, and it's, what are you doing? Yeah. Oh, no, you don't understand. You know, I was just down in blankety-blank for two weeks. Well, yeah, but you lived here for 47 years before you. I don't get that's, I think that's like a bizarre, like a bad wiring thing. Yeah, I think you're right. I got to admit, the accent, no, I still talk to the way I talk. Yes, you do. Some of her words have started to pepper into my speech. Okay. Like if I got to run of the bathroom, I might say to her, like, I got to get to the loop. You know what I mean? Well, that's, that kind of thing. That's a little different. You're borrowing some slang terms. You're not absorbing their deluxe. You're

No, the accent thing is weird. The accent. Madonna still has that, by the way. Does she? I've been seen her in year. Well, she started it in the 90s. Suddenly, I'm watching Madonna on television, and it sounds like they were interviewing Princess Diana. What's happening here? You're from Michigan, for Christ's sake. The one that grabbed me was a dude who went off to the armed forces, a dude that I went to high school with, went off to, I think it was South Carolina for a few months. for boot camp in that whole smear, right? He comes back, you know, we're 19 years old, fresh out of high school. Somebody's hosting a beer party, and he comes in the door, and he's like, oh, yeah, hell yeah. Come on, I'll take a little bit of that beer. Who's got beer? You got to order a pizza up in here or what?

And I said, what are you doing? What you mean? What am I doing? I was like, who is this? What is this character voice you're doing? Oh, and he said, well, you don't get it. I was down in South Carolina. Well, yeah.

Now you're not. But that doesn't mean you alter your entire delivery from every single word that you're. I don't get. I mean, that's... Do you think somebody that's empathetic? Like they're just an empathetic person. They really care about other people? Oh, that wouldn't be this person.

That would explain it to me. Like, if it's actually true when I do start to do that, like I think I do in my head, that would explain it because I've been told that I'm a very empathetic person. Well, you know, you guys know how to go. So there's, well, now high schoolers, but, you know, just as of a year ago, middle schoolers running around my house all the time with my son and his buddy's over. So you hear me sometimes come in here and say things like, a toy, toy, toy, toy, toy, a toy, toy, because that's how they talk. They do talk like that. Ridiculous words.

I don't know what they're saying. Honestly, I should tape some of these conversations. Like, it's like a different language. Well, it is. It's a different language with words we hear and used in strange ways. and it just doesn't stop. It's over and over and over again. It can drive a person crazy.

I'm being told. A doy, doy, doy. I'm being told via the text machine here, 651, 551, 93, remember the song from yesterday, I'm being told that if you travel summers and you come back with a brand new delivery, those people are called code switchers.

Oh, yeah, I heard that. I hadn't heard that. before. I haven't heard that either. So there you go. Oh, man. All right, we ought to get cooking here. We got Derek Madden sitting in for Dana this morning. Yeah, thanks again for doing that. I know this is the opposite of your normal hours. Yeah, it's no problem. First of all, love hanging with you guys. We love having you. We love having you. Maybe next time you fill in, you'll bring your very English fiance and we'll see if we can understand what she's saying. I would just let her talk the whole entire time. We could just tell us a story.

We could give her some phrases to say. Maybe she could read off a list of different phrases. Like, totally awesome or something like that. They don't say totally awesome in England, do that? I don't think they really do that one. No, they don't like that. Do they have a cool slang? Is there anything like you thought, wow, that's cool.

We should adopt that over here. I think chuffed is kind of cool. What's that like? Does that mean getting angry? You're well chuffed, your proper chuffed. You're really excited about something. Oh, okay, chuffed. Chuffed.

Do they have bizarre food choices that make you want to? want to gag and vomit all over yourself? I've always heard that the food over there isn't the greatest. It's changed a lot over the years. That's a good point. I'm glad you brought that up, Nick, because sometimes you hear about this stuff and you think that's disgusting. Why would that have?

Have you gone to lunch in England and said, what is the garbage that these people are sweeping into the... Have you had, like, blood sausage? Once, and I probably would not repeat that. Yeah. Well, you'd be the guy because you're an adventurous eater. You know, you will try a lot of stuff.

So I've never seen you be picky about anything. I had some really good meals over there, but I did, like, book a table at a very nice restaurant that served traditional English food because I kind of wanted to go for it. And then I looked at the menu and was like, nah, nah. I don't think it's for me. Are those the people that eat bean toast? Have you had bean toast? They do love beans on toast over there. That sounds good.

Has she told you why that's why that's why that's? They just like beans in general, actually. Yeah, they're bean people. I'd try that for sure. I guess they're good for you, and they are healthy. It's baked beans, right? Yeah, baked beans, right? Yeah, I'm not going to turn down baked beans. Oh, you bastards.

They sauce it a little differently over there, but it's... Yeah, it looks like a different color. I want like a can of bush baked beans. Oh, okay, I didn't realize it was different. I bet you I wouldn't make it. I don't think I'd make it over there. Yeah, you might have a tough time. No, I like it around here.

I like regular, uh, regular, uh, and regular that. Here's the deal. We'll take a little breaky break. We got Derek on board this morning. We will check in with the stupid news report when we return on the Half-Ast Morning Show. The 93X half-assed morning show.

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Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Woo! Yeah, it's time. Yeah, if you're just tuning in, say hello to Derek Madden over there running the board this morning. He's filling in for Dana. Hi, Derek. Hello. Fill it in for Dana. Dana's got the day off and we were just having some fun jaw jacking with Derek a few minutes ago about his interesting situation. He's engaged. Congratulations, Derek. Thank you. On your engagement. He's engaged

to a lady, number one. To a lady. An English lady, Josh. Yeah, I met her. I could tell right away. She lives all the way over in England. here he is in Minnesota. They've developed this long distance relationship. Sometimes he flies all the way over there to go out on a date. Sometimes she flies all the effing way over and they, uh, I bet not they're engaged to be married. Sometimes we both fly by the way. We'll go somewhere else together. Oh, really? Yeah. But where do you meet first? Where do you? I'm trying to picture where you meet. You got to go there and pick her up and then you go to like on an aircraft carrier somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. She'll take an airplane to Hawaii and you'll meet in Hawaii. Yeah, like we're going to hope to go to Spain in a month or so. I recommend Hawaii.

But anyway, that's very interesting. It is a great story. Some text messages have come in from our listening audience about your unique relationship. Oh, God. What? No, nothing bad. No, you're good. They're being mostly nice.

Josh, since when does a text message start any trouble on this radio? No, everybody's always nice. All right. Okay, here's just a simple question. I don't know why you're getting all the uppity. Who has hairier armpits? You are your English fiancé? Oh, yeah.

Are there grooming differences? Or is that universal now? Fantastic question. It's definitely me. Definitely means. How often? Here's another question for Derek. How often does your fiance call you a wanker?

She doesn't think of a wanker, but she will use that word. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they used that one a lot in the movies. Tell her that I love, she's English, you'll understand. Tell her that I love the motion picture. What's that called again from the late 80s? I love a fish called Wanda.

I'll let her know. Are you guys familiar with that one? She wasn't born then, so I don't know if I still know what that was. Josh, a fish called Wanda. I've seen it. I'm sorry. I know it makes you mad. I've shot a long, long time ago. Kevin Klein, Wawa, Wewa, Jamie Lee, Curtis. It was a good one.

F me running. John Cleese and a couple other characters from the Monty Python set up, one of my favorite movies. I'm probably forgetting an obvious Kevin Klein knocks it out of the park in that movie. All right. There you go. On to the stupid news.

There's really no other way to categorize this here other than simply a story of a dangerous deranged lunatic jagoff. 58-year-old character goes by the name of Charles.

And this is down south and east of here, don't you know? Far, far southeast. 58-year-old, I said, goes by the name of Charles. He became totally undone a few days ago. He took to breaking a hole in the wall that separated his apartment from his neighbor's apartment. Are you following that? That's terrifying.

Okay. Up and out of nowhere's, Charles grabbed a weed whacker, and he bashed it into the shared wall until he had created a hole. And the story tells me that all the while, he was laughing his balls off. He was laughing hysterically and hollering bizarre threats to the folks on the other side. That's crazy. Now, it sounds like he woke one of his neighbors out of a dead sleep with this psychotic routine, screaming and pounding. At one point, the effing stupid maniac Charles, at one point he hollered out to his neighbors.

He said, I'm going to make your life a living hell. He did. Can you even imagine what the F would be going through your mind as your neighbor is coming off like that? I think I'd have to physically attack the guy. Yeah, you would have to. That's what I was wondering is if, because I know, like, laws are very serious about, like, when you can shoot a gun, it's somebody breaking it in your home. I wonder if this is, like, cool. Like, I can shoot if somebody's actively trying to come through my wall? I would think you'd be pretty good. Right?

I don't know if I'm shooting anybody. I'm saying is I think I would have to get into his apartment somehow. And I think I'd have to take a baseball bat to his kidneys. I didn't think about going in through it. I just thought the only way through it was going to be the wall. That's smart. Yeah. You could, yeah, you could surprise him that way.

Maybe some holy water needs to be sprinkled on him or something. Not a bad call, Ashley. You think maybe he is. You all need Jesus as a text we get sometimes? You think maybe Satan has something to do with this? Right in the lower back, Josh, with a full, a full-on baseball swing. I can't even imagine the pain.

Oh, dude. I think that's where I'd try to get him. Ow! Anyway, nutbag, idiot Charles. He ended up busting what they call here a softball-sized hole in the wall. He started off, and I know some of you might have been picturing, did he start that weed whip and use the spinning string to carve a hole? No, he just used the weed whip as a ramming device.

And he created that softball size hole. Then he, Josh, how do I say this? He transitioned over to a hammer at one point. The neighbors were effing terrified. There was an older lady living in there. A couple of gals lived in the apartment. Of course, I don't think Charles has the nuts to F with any men. I think he's one of those that praise on ladies because he's a bitch.

But the lady said it was like a real-life horror movie. They couldn't believe what was happening. The laughing. With the laughing. Yeah, that was part of it. That makes it worse. But maybe we've talked about these situations before where sometimes you just have to like out crazy the crazy.

Okay, so maybe you have to start acting absolutely insane. You press your genitals through the hole that he's created in the shared wall. Something so bizarre that he had. You turned it into a glory hole. Yeah. You start laughing back. We'd whip this, buddy. So the cop showed up.

Charles dropped everything. Of course, as soon as he saw the police, he dropped everything. But then the bitch that he is, he decided to play this old game, which I know the cops love. He refused to come outside when the cops asked him to. So he had to play one of those gimmicks

where hours go by and he refuses to come out of his... The ladies in the next door apartment told the police that Charles threatened to kill them. They were also able to record some of the nonsense that was coming out of his yap, and that's all going to be very valuable when they head off to the neighborhood courthouse. At one point, he hollered this,

and don't try to make any sense of this, because obviously Charles is completely uncorked, or, as Ashley suggested, maybe under the control of Satan. At one point, he hollered this, I hope you scream as they cut you. Who's cutting me? I probably would.

I hope they drag you across the driveway and then back the truck over you. And nobody has any idea what he's talking about. They say he was, like I mentioned a couple times, he was laughing throughout this entire nightmare. Charles is all done now. He's all done. Yeah, I'd imagine that'd be a normal response to scream if somebody's cutting you. would do that until I passed out if I were to scream, you know, and get cut like that, until I passed out.

Well, you don't pass out. You faint. No, I pass out. That's what would happen. If somebody's cutting me, the natural reaction would be to pass out. Have you always fainted at the sight of blood? You're talking about passing out? No.

I'm talking about fainting. For other people that might be passing out, but you're a fainter. I've never fainted a day in my life. Tell me about your most interesting neighbor, anybody. Most interesting neighbor. We have a neighbor that we're not cool with because, I don't know, she's just so... Isn't there something about a fence line that's become a problem? Yeah, and the other day, my husband caught her, like, barking back at our dogs.

That was a little weird. Okay, that could be the sign of trouble. Yeah, that was a little odd. A grown human being is barking. It was like, what? Out loud? What are you doing? Out of frustrating?

Why was... Well, she was mowing her lawn. And there's, like, this part of her lawn that... butts right up next to ours and our dogs had a pee and they were already out there. They were out there first. And so my dog naturally started barking at her because he's like, what are you doing with the lawnmower over here? Before we could buzz him to recall him, she started barking back at him.

And so my husband watched for a little bit. That could be the sign of a problem. Yeah. He said, do you think that the best way to get a dog to stop barking is to bark at them? I don't think that's ever worked. Derek, you ever had any badass crazy nonsense? neighbors start trouble with you? No, most of them are you scared, I think, to start trouble with me.

But actually, you buzz your dog? Did your dogs have a shock collar? Oh, yeah. So they have collars. It beeps. It vibrates. So I was going to say the vibrates. And then it shocks.

But we rarely ever have to shock them. I would add a whole different set of questions if you said they vibrated the dogs. I've never had a neighbor that's really messed with me. But I lived in an apartment building where me and my body were the old. only two left. The DEA came in and swept everyone else out. It was this big drug bust. And I think there were eight units in this building and there was just the two of us left. They got everybody. We were the only two uncool people, I guess. There was a cartel set up right there in your apartment complex. Yeah. And it was right next to the world's sleazyest motel. You know,

like you could rent by basically the quarter hour if you wanted to. And so they kicked everybody out of that thing. They kicked everybody out of our apartment. You and your dork buddy were the only ones who weren't on dope in that neighborhood? Yeah, I guess so. Well, they must have thought you were pretty cool. The drug dealers and stuff. Well, they knew we weren't narcs. Yeah. They were days away from killing

both of you, maybe, when they were arrested. Yeah, maybe that's what alerted the cops. Yeah, I've been lucky, too. I've never had a really horrible, psycho, loud, ridiculous, idiotic neighbor. I've had a couple of characters. I had a neighbor slash landlord that was a hell of a character.

I watched that world's worst neighbor show on Netflix. I like that. Oh, wait a minute, not on Netflix. I watch a show on regular television called, I think it's called Neighbor from Hell or something along those lines. Yeah, it sounds right. Little stories of people who end up shooting each other over a property line or something like that. Man, yeah, they're crazy.

Yeah. I feel so dumb. I don't know why this wasn't the first thing that popped in my head when you asked this question, Nick, but I guess they're technically a neighbor. They're on the same street. Somebody got, it was like a standoff with the police a couple months ago. They were like in their house as some type of drug situation. Oh, it was that close to, I remember that in the news.

That was that close to your house? Yeah, it was like five houses away. It's been really fun to see all that kind of stuff unfold. Yeah, sometimes the police roll in. I'll tell you a little story about where I was the bad neighbor. and this has nothing to do with, you know, beer parties or... That would have been my guess. No, no, this has nothing to do with, you know, noise or I was drunk and raising hell.

It was the day where my neighbor had an arm come off. And I was looked at... Well, I'll tell you the story. It was many, many years ago. I lived in a townhouse type of a setup. up and I took my little nappy nap. Ooh, I love a good nap, cubby. You really do.

Yeah, every day. Are you still napping as long as you used to? Oh, I don't know, a couple hours. Yeah, you seemed like before it wasn't like three or four hours. When I was a young guy, I would sleep for four hours, and I loved it. Anyway, so it was one of these deals where I sprung out of bed about 2 o'clock in the afternoon, turned on my boombox. I remember actually very distinctly, I was listening to REO,

Speedwagon's greatest hits. We were riding the storm out. We were rolling with the changes. All the hits, Josh. Got myself into the douche. I was cleaning myself up because I had a bar gig that I had to head off to a couple hours down the line. So, yeah, I was cranking the music in my townhouse, just going about my business. And I walk.

I get into my vision. vehicle and back out of my, what do they call that in the business, Josh? Driveway. Garage. I back out of my garage and soon I can't even, I can't back up any further because there are emergency vehicles everywhere, about five cop cars and an ambulance. I never noticed a friggin thing. I never heard one siren.

I never heard one voice again because I was cranking the music and taking a shower and all that. I'm backing out of my garage and suddenly I see. holy balls what had happened was and every friggin cop and every paramedic looked at me as if they were thinking where the hell were you bruh what had happened was my neighbor was underneath his vehicle had jacked up his vehicle he was doing some kind of repair the vehicle came off the jack and cut his arm off for him geez that's so terrible and as i'm exiting you know i had to make the boys move. I'm like, hey, I got to go. I got to go to work. Can you move the squad car? They

moved the squad car out of the way. This poor guy apparently was yelling for help for a good hour. Man. I never heard an effing thing. And everyone on the scene looked at me like I already explained. Every single one of them looked at me as if they were thinking, where the F were you? They're all humming, rolling with the changes. Yeah. That sucks. I'm sure you felt terrible, but, you know, it's not your fault. I never saw the guy again. really? I don't think he died, but I never saw him again. You probably would have heard. I would have heard if he died. Even he, I think I even saw him from that gurney, kind of look at me. Say, if that happened to me, I don't know if I could fight that feeling anymore.

You can't. You just can't. Utility Locate Jesus, live next door to a woman in the country. He ended up becoming crazy, so crazy he had to move away. That woman, his own mother, couldn't live next to mom anymore. Why would you do that in the first place? Did you think that was a good idea, buddy? Some people ended up living, some people end up living right next door to Mommel, huh? I can see where that would go wrong. I always thought it's kind of cool where families lived on the same block. Oh, like a compound?

I do think that was cool. You know, the ones where there's at least like five acres in between? Yeah. From the stories I hear, Josh, it's never cool. My buddies have to be that close to family. There's like five brothers in this family and three of them live in the same area and their dad lives in the same within walking distance. Oh, dude, I love that. Sounds awful.

Okay, there are stories that make Cubby tear up. We like to play that game around here. Sometimes it's fun to play on Josh's fragile little heartstrings. We tell a story. We watch him tear up. And then just when he thinks we'll be sympathetic. supportive, we chastise him and we make him feel even worse. Yeah, usually that's all. It's fun. It's fun.

This year... Different type of tears at that point. Right. This here is in a different category. I'd file this one under the title of stories that make Cubby bricked up. You love this type of situation when a derelict pin dick scumbag comes off all crazy. right? Starts acting all crazy on somebody and does not know who they're messing with. I do love that instant justice, not realizing the other person is going to own you in about a matter of milliseconds.

Somebody gets uppity, someone gets a little wild because they're a derelict and they do not know who they're messing with. And then they get their ass handed to them. Right effing now. In San Francisco, here's a guy. Here's an effing guy. He's just walking his dog, Summers. in a park or whatever, near a beach, I think. And here comes an uncorked idiot. Up and out of nowhere's, the idiot takes a swing at the dude walking his damn dog. The dog walker doesn't know the other guy for Dick.

Never seen the guy before. But like I said, the derelict upped and tried to sock the dog walker in his yaphole. What the derelict did not know is that the dog walker is a highly skilled double jujitsu taekwondo United States Marine. Everything badass. Oh boy. The dog walker runs his own effing martial arts shop in San Francisco. So as you might imagine, the derelict with the weak ass. Pearl Harbor Sissy Punch was throttled into oblivion before anybody could even say enter the damn dragon.

That's so cool. Now, if anyone's worried about the dog, the dog was a little confused by the situation, but it did stay nearby and behaved nicely while it's Walker pummeled. Yes. Yeah, he knew that his walker didn't need any help. He just kind of stood there and watched the show. lays down to the grass. Here's where we also got real lucky with this year's story. A local television news crew just happened to be hanging around the area doing nothing.

And they did catch this terrible beating on video. So that's nice. We got to see the video. James is the name of the double Taekwondo champion Marine. He said he collapsed the other guy's jaw and then pulled both of the time. his arms out the socket for him and then sat on the derelict's head until the police showed up.

He did all of that in like four moves. Wapa, wap, wap, wap, wapa, wap, wapa. Yeah. And he had accomplished all of that. Tough day for arms on this show. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. Real tough day.

We've had arms come loose. Three of them in the last five minutes. Now, you might like this. James, the killer, Jujitzi, karate Taekwondo guy he told the cops how it all started he said he's just walking that dog

past the derelict like I said never seen the guy before in his life he's walking the dog past the derelict and the derelict turned to him and said you calling me a dog what and jujitsu guy was like no and that's when

Sissy Dick took a swing at him. He's hearing voices. And then he saw birdies floating around his head pretty shortly afterwards. Are you looking at my tattoo? Are you looking at it? It says here James is also, Josh, experienced in boxing, kickboxing. Is it pronounced Muay Thai? Muay Thai?

Muir Thai? It is. And line dancing. weird so that dude will get it done one way or another never line danced even when it was super popular no that's good did you learn it in school ashley you're much younger oh no not that we learned a bunch of other stupid dances like the macarena and uh like the cupid shuffle things like that but no nothing useful i guess Derek years ago i was at this a greasy filthy roadhouse here in Minnesota.

Line dancing? No. No. There might have been line dancing happening at the time. I think it was very popular. The boot scoot boogie? Am I close? I can't remember. Yeah, that was a thing. But anyway.

It's hot again. Is it? Yeah. Have you tried it? No. No. It's not my back. But you know, there's that thing they do with the fans.

Have you seen that? No. You're like waving fans around and stepping. That sounds more like Mardi Gras to me. But anyway, I'm at this roadhouse, and I noticed that some dude from across the bar, packed house, some dude from across the bar is eyeballing me like he wants to choke me to death,

and he will not take his eyes off of me. And I'm thinking, what the F is going on here? I didn't know this guy, and he's following me everywhere I go with his eyes and not a pleasant look on his face. And eventually, he starts walking over towards me, and I say to myself, geez, his balls, here we go. He pulls up the sleeve on his t-shirt, and he's drawn a tattoo on his shoulder with a magic marker.

He like roughly drew a tank or something on his shoulder with a magic marker. And he says, are you staring at my tattoo? That's hilarious. You staring at it? My tattoo? Is that what you're looking at? You're looking at my tattoo? And I said, no?

He said, good. So this wasn't a guy doing a bit. This is just a guy being crazy. He told his t-shirt back down and he went and stood where he was... He just wanted to know if I was staring... I wasn't looking at his tattoo. His tattoo... That he drew on in the parking lot with the interior light in his motor vehicle.

You never know what you're going to get sometimes, Covey. Under his shirt, also I might add. Mm-hmm. You stared at my... I am now. Where else are we going with this? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

We were talking about that dog in the last story, that dog. This is a hell of an operation. here. You know what happened? Here's a dude named Neil. He and his family, they upped and decided to get rid of a couple three old couches. Raddy ass old couches had been in the house for years, you know, stains up and down. There was 100,000 miles of farts on those old couches. So they said, enough already. We're going to dump them over at the local landfill, and they did. But you know what else they also dumped into that landfill on accident the kitty oh gosh my cat's always they always go in the stupidest spots they dumped the damn kitty and i don't know what some of you're saying you're

saying oh my damn did the kitty die let me just tell you what happened so mike the cat goes by the name of Mike. He was eight years old. Mike has been part of Neil's family for more than six years. Then one night, Mike never came home for dinner. And they say here, Mike loves dinner time. He does. Mike never came home for dinner. Two days, Neil and his ungrateful family searched the neighborhood for old Mike, walking around with a bag of treats in one hand and his favorite toy in the other. They took the hollering for Mike up and down all over town. No sign of the prick. For a couple of days, I walked around the neighborhood holding a bag of treats going,

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. And having a sinking feeling that the cat was in the couch. Mike Mike Mike Mike, Mike. Oh, cute. I love him. I want to give him a hog. Gee, I think we all know why Mike didn't come back. Yeah.

Mike loves him. These guys are weird, man. Mike does not love him. He loves him so much. He's called Mike Mike Mike Mike. That's Neil right there, huh? All right. After that nonsense, Neil remembered something

that made his nuts curl up into his guts. He remembered those three disgusting old couches that he had dumped into the landfill and Neil said to himself, ah, for F's sake, I bet the cat was in one of those couches. He went over to the dump, the landfill, Problem was Mike could be anywhere at that point.

It's a massive area, trash and dangerous, sharp, broken objects everywhere, heavy machinery driving around, crushing up the garbage, scooping it up, pushing it around. You know the routine. Neil thought for sure that Mike must be a goner. And then someone spotted the little bastard. A heavy equipment operator at the landfill by the name of Mauricio. He spotted Mike, looking terrified, trapped down in the front of, bottom of a massive heap of garbage. Mike was way, way down there and he couldn't move. Mike

couldn't get out of there. The landfill worker came up with a plan. They dipped a bucket down to the bottom of that trash pit and tried to encourage Mike to climb in there. And Mike went ahead and he did it. He climbed into the bucket and they were able to pull him smooth out of that trash heap. That's the best story ever. But then Mike ran away again because Mike is stupid. He ran away. Right when he got out of that mess, they brought him up with the bucket, and then Mike said, I don't like the looks of this, and he ran away again. Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. That's what he's running from.

Exactly. There he is. Eventually, Mike was grabbed up. They gave him a little kiddie bath, and he was checked over by a vet. And he's back home, and he's doing stupid Mike things again. He's eating his dinner? Yeah. Maybe he liked the trash life.

I don't know. I could see why a cat might like that setup. Cats love, you know, rotten, this and that. I love just like going through a star, like, you know, lingering around stuff. Neil, the guy who threw his own cat away in the first place, he said that he is thankful to have Mike home, and he appreciates everyone who played a role in saving his kiddie. That must have been a pretty bad feeling, thinking I threw away my cat.

He's going to be very squished. Oh, yeah. Remember that story about my two pals? They live up north in the middle of nowhere's. And, you know, long dirt driveway to get to the house, middle of the woods type of a thing. And my two pals decided, oh, let's go into town and have a couple of beers. And they're driving the pickup down that long dirt road to get to town. And then one guy goes, ah, Christ.

And the other guy says, what, what was that? And he says, eh, that was my dog. Oh, gross. The dog was fine. Ended up having a couple of broken legs, but what was that? Yeah, that was my dog. Sports on the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. I blame the entire state of Wisconsin.

You people are too stupid to know it. They just gave this guy a contract extension. He was up last year. And obviously, the dummies in Wisconsin who aren't discerning enough or critical enough, just let it happen. You let it happen. It's their fault. It is the people of Wisconsin's fault.

You're just happy to have the team. You're just happy to go there and wear your cheese heads. And so you let this happen. This is the fault of the people, Wisconsin. Yikes. All right, what you got there is a Boston sports radio host by the name of Mike Felger. Mike Felger or Felger.

He's boycotting his favorite team from here on out, the Green Bay Packers. And some of you might be saying, what do you mean? A Boston radio host, who's a, fan of the Green Bay. He grew up in Wisconsin, this guy. He's a lifetime fan of the Packers, but after watching them wet the bed here in town against the Vikings on Sunday, he says he's all done. And you heard it right there. He blames the people of Wisconsin for the Packers' problems

because he says they're too stupid. It was a wrestler that didn't want to blame the fans? Kurt Engel. Kurt Engel didn't want to blame the fans. Kurt Angle lost the world title in his home city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It was a shocking upset, Josh. And then after the match, I think it was Michael Cole, put a mic in Kurt Angles face and said, what happened out there, Kurt? And Kurt says, you know, I don't just want to come right out and blame the fans. But he said, I don't think I got the support for my home city that I deserve. And that's why I lost the match. This guy says the people of Wisconsin are too stupid to realize what an ass hat and what a clown their head coach is, What's his name again? Jerome Lafleur.

We got some texts on it yesterday, or Monday, from folks saying that they're kind of sick of them. They say Lafleur's a moron. Yeah, they don't want them around. So this guy says, I got better things to do with my time than follow the Green Bay Packers. What's the point of putting emotional energy behind a team that is poorly coached and a coach who has no effing clue what to do inside of a game? He has no feel for the game. He's blaming you, Wiscoe. Here's a Wisconsinite who says, as someone who lives in Wisconsin, we aren't stupid.

We're drunk. We're smart people. We just drink a lot. I'd buy that theory. They're having too much fun. So is the theory there that the people of Wisconsin are supposed to rise up and fire the coach? Is this one of these shareholder deals? I don't know exactly what he wants from the citizens of Wisconsin,

but it does sort of sound like he expects them to rise up and somehow fire the head coach of the football team. He's a little disjointed this theory. Yeah, he says they're frustrated. They're too content. they're too Lucy Goosey about who coaches their football team they should stand up and do something about it

I don't have any memory of that ever working before where I know even this year we've read a couple stories this is just a silliest thing in college football the fan bases have started to donate money for buyouts and stuff to buy the coaches just save that crap

or petitions save it another 715 here says this is bookshelf Jesus every Packer fan I know can't stand him. So maybe you shouldn't blame the entire state of Wisconsin. It's becoming more and more of a popular vibe, is they need to get rid of that Lafleur character, despite the fact that he looks exactly like your brother, Josh.

The twins got destroyed last night, the man bear pigs. I know some of you might be saying, ooh, what? They signed the kid from Detroit. They signed the weird kid. No, they gave the head coach a contract extension, which is nice. At 7.30 when Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder jump into the mix, I will have a NASCAR swear jar update, something we talked about a couple weeks ago. I have a swear jar update.

Till then, we'll take a break, and Covey's News will be right around the corner. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but we have Minnesota. we know what season's coming up.

Getting your furnace tune up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93x to save. Standard Heating and Air Conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Online at standardheating.com.

Randy Shaver here, if you're dealing with a work-related injury and need someone to fight for you, then Dave Bialky's your guy. This is his specialty with over 30 years of experience in helping the working person get compensated for work-related injuries, even if your injury was years ago. Don't wait. Call Bianchi Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. You want Dave on your side. It's football season. On Polymarket trade your football predictions against other fans before and during the game. You can even combine multiple

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The $50 offer is issued as non-withdrawable trading credit for use on the platform. Offer exclusively available to first-time depositors. Not available in all jurisdictions. 1.993. There was blood on the patient, blood on the betting, and there were discarded clothing or towels with blood around the bedding. Yuck! A nursing home can offer a lot of things. Medication management, physical therapy, occupational therapy, meal services, recreational

activities, help with daily living, and apparently if you pick the right nursing home, demon removal, although that's not likely in the brochure. Pennsylvania police were called for a welfare check after one of the nurses started acting strangely, and this qualifies. She's accused of attempting to perform an exorcism on a patient. Here we go. This happened in Nazareth, Pennsylvania, a particularly appropriate place for a story involving religion, since Nazareth is, of course, the childhood home of Jesus, who's got a pretty solid resume when it comes to handling demons. When cops arrived, they found Octavia Robinson standing over a patient with her fingers in the patient's mouth.

Say what? Which under consensual circumstances could be kind of hot. This, however, most certainly was not. She apparently decided that it was necessary to exercise a demon from the elderly victim. The assault was an ongoing event for 30 minutes. Like the character Regan McNeil, the possessed girl at the center of the exorcist, Robinson told the officers there were demons inside the patient, which needed to come out. The power of Christ compels you.

Oh, boy. That the power of Christ compelled you. But the power of Christ didn't compel the end of that nursing home. Exorcism, the power of the Nazareth Police Department did. Nurse Robinson was transported to an area hospital for an involuntary emergency health evaluation. So this lady's totally out of her mind, and she was reaching into the patient's mouth to pull the demons out? She pulled Satan right out of her. So we've got Pennsylvania Nazareth, Biblical Nazareth, Exorcism Nazareth, and now we'll add Rock Nazareth.

Yeah, you mean like Hair of the Dog, Love Hurd? That's kind of a thing? That one. Yeah, what's going on with Nazareth? The Scottish rock band Nazareth took its name from the Pennsylvania town where this story took place, not the biblical one, as many believe. Well, F me. Is that a true factor?

Yeah, I looked up some Nazareth facts yesterday to throw that in here. Love hurts, they said back in the day. And how weird is that? It's from the Pennsylvania one. I wouldn't have been able to tell you that if he gave me all day, Cubby. Me neither until yesterday. Elk River High School students were rushed out of class yesterday morning after officials say the school received a threat. Elk River PD confirmed on social media they received a bomb threat directed at the high school.

Came in at 8.43 a.m. According to a notice from the district, the building was cleared about 1045. News helicopters caught footage of officers swarming the campus with canine units assisting the operation. Meanwhile, district officials had a message for families and students, maybe resist the the urge to speculate, especially online. We understand rumors and misinformation spread quickly, especially on social media, the district wrote. We ask for your cooperation in avoiding the spread of unverified information during an active investigation. Thankfully, no explosives were found. Anyone with specific information about a potential threat was asked to contact law enforcement, school administrators, or submit tips through say something.net.

See something, say something. Which school was this? Elk River. They kicked the Elks right out of their. Elk River. Everything's back to normal today, but they had to deal with that yesterday. I'll be dipped. But the kids were fine with that.

They probably got to go home. Once they realized they weren't going to explode. Yeah, once they realized everything was cool and they were just out there and they had to, you know, follow protocol. If you're frightened by the thought of an arrow flying at you, this next story will make you quiver. A Pennsylvania man's accused. of ramming another driver's vehicle, demanding his wallet, and then later chasing a restaurant employee with an arrow. Without the bow?

Yeah, nothing else. Is that really what? He just had an arrow in his hand? That's all he had. Authorities were called to a vehicle incident just before 2 p.m. Friday. A man told police the suspect later identified as Walden Boyer pulled out in front of him and stopped in traffic. He gave him the old break check.

The victim said he pulled around Boyer. sure seemed to take that personally, because he rammed the rear of the victim's vehicle. Boyer then got out of his car and began hitting the victim in the face multiple times. The victim told authorities Boyer demanded his wallet and said he was going to kill him, and others at the scene before he fled. After he left, authorities were called about a psycho possibly wielding a knife. That psycho turned out to be Boyer again, but the knife was an arrow. His second victim told authorities Boyer had been standing in the middle of the parking lot blocking customers from leaving.

The employee walked over to confront him, and Boyer went to his vehicle and grabbed the arrow. The Robin Hood on a rampage then began chasing the employee through the parking lot with the arrow while threatening to kill him. And before police arrived, the employee said that Boyer, who had an arrow but no arrow delivery system, threw the arrow at the second victim. Did he have a bullet in his other pocket? Nothing. As arrow attacks go, of course, that's not particularly effective. It didn't do anything.

Though what do you say, while he was taken into custody, he also threatened numerous members of state police. Well, I don't even know what to tell you about that one. Yeah, if someone's coming at him with an arrow on their close distance, I might be a little nervous. I think it'd be all right if he threw it at me, unless he's like a world dart champion or something. Even then, Cubby. What the heck, dude?

Even then, you're going to be a little. All right. An Amazon delivery driver got the scare of his life while dropping off packages on Labor Day when a sudden loud crack echoed through the vehicle. Delivering an arrow, he didn't order right through his windshield. Amazon driver Carl McCasland was in the back of his man sorting packages when he heard a loud noise. Then he noticed multiple packages had holes through him. Then he saw his windshield.

If that would have hit me, that would have went straight through my body. And it almost did. Oh, my gosh. that just almost hit me, like, within probably inches. The near-miss occurred just days ahead of Missouri's bow hunting season, and police say the man who shot the arrow said he was testing his new bow and overshot his target. What the F?

By a lot. Just one arrow, though? No, several. This dude who was practicing was that piss poor? Yep, he was bad. Conservation officials are urging hunters to use caution during target practice and avoid shooting in neighborhoods and Amazon vans. I've never heard of such a terrible shot in my life.

I know. Are we really buying that story? That's what he claims. As for the man with the bow and arrow police labeled the dangerous incident as an accident. That's one heck of an accident, though. You know, like the accident that almost took me out. No charges. I think you got to make a few more.

You got to do some more door-to-door police work on this one. Yeah, they haven't filed any charges. Nobody's that terrible with any weapon. That he misses several times and ends up in the. FedEx Man's van? Yeah, you would hope not. I'm not buying that one. You know when the dude called back to headquarters,

they were like, cool story. What's up with those packages? Did you deliver them or what, man? We're on a time schedule. They don't care. They got no sympathy. Deliver those packages, son. Yeah, it sounds like you're okay, dude.

What's the hold-up? Minnesota has once again been named one of the nation's happiest states, which should be interesting once Minnesotans get to the comments section. The personal finance site wallet hub issued its annual report of the happiest states. A ranking built on 30 metrics bumped into categories like emotional and physical well-being, work environment, and community and environmental factors. In this year's rankings, Minnesota placed eighth among the nation's 50 contestants. Turns out Nebraska is the only

Midwestern state to outjoy Minnesota coming in sixth. As for the bordering neighbors, we rub elbows with. North Dakota ranked 12th. I, 20th, South Dakota, 24th, and Wisconsin landed at 27th. You know, I got to hand it to us, I guess. After what we've seen and what we've been through in the last five, six years, we can still call ourselves happy. That's got to say something about it. Yeah, it's pretty good, right?

It's got to say something. We're up there. Here's the complete top 10 of Wallet Hub's 2026 list of the happiest states, New Hampshire, California, Minnesota, Connecticut, Nebraska, Maryland, Idaho, Utah, New Jersey, and sunshine beaches and a couple of strategically placed coconuts do wonders for the mood because the happiest state in America owns the market on coconut bras, Hawaii. Meanwhile, the state's in need of a little emotional support are Tennessee, Oregon, Wyoming, New Mexico, Alabama, Kentucky, Alaska, Arkansas, Louisiana,

and sitting at dead last as America's least happy state, they could use a hug. The birthplace of Don Knott's Steve Garvey, Jennifer Garner, Brad Paisley, Chuck Yeager, Mary Lou Retton, NBA legend and logo Jerry West. Is it Arkansas? Randy Moss and the voice of Chucky. Chucky? Yeah, the voice of Chucky. The voice of Chucky.

Brad Dorff. West Virginia. West Virginia. They produce a lot of talent, but not enough serotonin, it appears. The full list is up on 93X.com. Well, I'll go along with it. Yeah, that's pretty good, right? I'll go along with it.

You know, you've got some cheery people. around you. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? What? Depresso. Tonight on Comedy Central and Paramount Plus, the 29th season premiere of South Park. Heck yeah. A couple of things on Prime Video today. The four-season finale of Reacher and the series premiere of a

Reacher's spin-off called Neegli. What? After an old friend died in a suspicious accident. No way. Reacher's PI buddy, Francis Neegli goes after the cult responsible. Oh, I'm all about it. Is it neely or neigley? It's neely.

Oh, it is? Why is there a G in there then? It's a G-H, right? He's French or something, I don't know. I think, yeah. There's no H. No H. No H. No H.

No H. No H. No. It's not how to pronounce it. It's very possible. I typed it wrong. So this is a big deal. We got a new show.

It's a big deal. That spins off from the Reachers. It appears that way. I'm pretty pumped for it. I could hear it. I could hear how pumped you were. Kind of sad that it's the season finale, though. Of Reacher?

Yeah. That's been a good season. Give me 10 more. With the exception of one character, it's kind of annoying. S&L alum and Pawnee Royalty, Amy Polar, 55. Skid Row guitarist and drinking buddy of Nick's late father, Dave the Snake Sabo was strumming along at 62. Dave Sabo.

Magician David Copperfield. He's made his 60s disappear as he turned 70 today. Well, how would I guess he was even further up the line than that? Only 70, huh? 70, yep. Some bitch has been around forever. I saw him once. Yeah?

Was it a total scam? The only part that was dumb is he said, you know, by the end of this, I'm going to transport an audience member to Hawaii. Yeah. And so they had an audience member. And all of a sudden he was on a big screen and, you know, like he was just on TV. And the background was obviously a fake Hawaii. That was a little disappointing.

That sounds really stupid. It was pretty stupid. I thought, oh, this is going to be incredible. This is David Copperfield. I'm going to be wowed. I'm going to be wondering the rest of my life. How did you do that? But I thought, we just walked out back for a green screen or something.

Yeah, it was stupid. Didn't you also one evening go see Chris Engel? Yeah, I saw Chris Angle. He was awesome. Yeah, Chris Angel, very good performer. Very good. And his new face is turning nine today, but the rest of actor Mickey Rourke is now 74.

Mickey Rourke. Yeah, he's funny looking. Happy birthday to Bodie, a.k.a. Mr. Pig, turning 14, from your Kawabunga Dad, goat trucking Jesus. And happy 50th to Fem all Jesus. That's 93x News. Really thankful and privilege, to be honest, the environment in the organization is great to coach with, coaching the team with the type of players that we have, really talented, hungry guys, coachable. For me, it's humbling, and it's an honor to be able to continue,

and I'm certainly looking forward to getting started here again. The Man Bear Pigs organization. The Man Bear Pigs went ahead and signed old Gene Snitsky. They signed him up to continue to work here as their head hockey coach. They call it a multi-year contract extension. Head coach John Heinz headed into his fourth season with the club, where, as we all know, he and his team do very well in the regular season.

season, but continue to get bumped out the way in the playoff quite easily. He's done well, Snitsky. I think most people like him, don't they? He deserves to stick around. We'll see where they go from here. Good morning, Randy Schaver and Brad Ryder. Good morning. Here we go.

We got the ass man and maybe eventually the lonely boy. We may not have Brad. Good morning. I hear him. You nailed it, Derek. Brad Rider. Yeah. Right, brother.

Gentlemen, say hello to our guest today. He's spilling in for Dana. He's done it before, and we've had a lot of laughs. The program director here at 93X, Derek Madden, everyone. Oh, you're putting him to work. Yeah. I do that occasionally. Usually he's the director of staring out the window.

But today he's got a lot of responsibilities. See, I do that a lot now that I'm retired. Yeah. Josh, I don't want to correct you on air, but I'm actually the vice president. president of staring out. I forgot about your promotion. My apologies. Yeah, we're long overdue to take you out to dinner for that.

He's gone. Do you need an intern for that? We can't afford those anymore. Yeah, this is not Derek's chosen work hours. You normally maybe are just rolling out the fart sack maybe an hour from now? My alarm just went off, actually. Is that right? You normally jump out of bed around 7.30.

But with Dana out today, Derek was, I don't know, I don't want to say that you were happy to help us out, but he's here and we appreciate it. He's one of those coworkers. He'll jump in and fill a need. I don't know if Brad and Randy have heard this before, but the times that Derek's filled in, it reminds me when he first started here 11 years ago now, he said, hey, by the way, if you ever hear from me before the show, that means I had a really good night or a really good night. or a really bad night. And I think your lifestyle hasn't changed too much in those 11 years. Yeah, that's true. It's usually a good night.

Yeah, usually it's a really good night. We got Derek in the mix for today's program. The man who someday will mercifully release us from our contracts here at 19-year. This is a contract here. Don't sign it. You will be. I mean, we joke around and we have fun and we do like working with Derek. but, you know, it's the truth.

You will be the last face I see before I walk out of here and never acknowledge this chapter of my life ever again. I wonder if you'll even say goodbye. I will. I will say goodbye. Side hug. Not a full bro hug, side hug. Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, that is weird. I will never return or acknowledge that this was my life. You never know if you, in radio, if you're going to be able to go out on your own terms, but you will likely be the guy to fire us, Derek. Something like that? If they don't get me first. You're not going anywhere.

You're a rock star. All right, gentlemen. Here we frigging go. Yeah, so Gene Snitsky, John Hines, whatever you want to call him. He's signed a contract extension. Like I said, he's done well. He deserves to stick around.

At least somebody for the wildest sounding a contract. That's good. And I figured as soon as I started talking about the wild sight in somebody, people's flies probably flew open thinking it was going to be the kid from Detroit or the weird defenseman. No, no word on that yet. But they got Snitsky. Yeah, it's just really kind of bizarre that we're still, training camp, I think, starts like this week or something.

Oh, they just love milking it, Randy Shaver. It's just crazy that they have not figured out, figured out what Quinn uses future looks like here in Minnesota. Didn't Caprisoff sign his contract like in training camp or right before the start of the season though, too? That I don't remember. That sounds right. Yeah, I don't think this is the same situation though, Brad. I think Capri Soff, that was

pretty much a foregone conclusion. I don't think, I don't think this is a foregone conclusion. We'll see. All right. Yeah, we are getting closer and closer to hockey season. You know, this is the state of hockey. Right. Isn't the first preseason game, like, coming up here this weekend? I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't doubt it.

But I don't follow those practice games. I can't stand the practice games. But you're probably right. I think I was looking at a website yesterday that was saying exactly that, Covey. Mr. Hockey over there. That's right. Here we go. Amanda Kessel. This just was announced a couple of days ago. Amanda Kessel, Phil Kessel, her husband. T.J. Oshy, I'm kidding, of course, their brother and sister.

T.J. O'Shee. Ryan Souter. Your guy. And Stan Wong are all set to be enshrined into the United States Hockey Hall of Fame as the class of 20 and 26. Like I mentioned, this was announced a few days ago by USA hockey. Now, that won't happen until November. Says here, additional details will be coughed up later this month. Boy, I tell you what, folks in Madison, Wisconsin are coming uncorked. Three Madison-born players are going into the United States Hockey Hall of Fame.

Amanda Kessel, they call her the most gifted offensive player in women's hockey history. Three-time Olympian had a lights out career at the University of Minnesota. Olympic gold medals as far as the eye can see. Phil, three-time Stanley Cup champion. They call him in the article here, one of the most elite American-born scorers of his era. And I don't think anybody could argue that. 17 seasons in the NHL.

And all the while, built like a professional bowler. I think that's something that endeared a lot of hockey fans to Phil Kessel. He was very open about his love of hot dogs. and he just wasn't built like any type of an athlete. He really, but for 17 years he made it work for Christ's sake and more, made it work and more. Also a former Golden Gopher, of course, beat cancer along the way, Phil Kessel. I can't remember what flavor cancer got him for a while, but he beat cancer. And I'll always have this fond memory of Phil Kessel.

Remember, it was quite a hubbub. when he snubbed Bucky Badger and decided to come and play here at the U of M. Brad, were you working for the Golden Gophers during the Phil Kessel era? No, he came after I had left there. And if I remember correctly, so, you know, Wisconsin wants to choke Phil Kessel for snubbing their university and coming over here to the U of M.

And if I remember correctly, the Golden Gopher's first game in Madison, that hockey season, Kessel skates in, scores a goal and he did this bit where he took off his hockey glove, put his index finger to his mouth and gave the crowd the old loved it. All right, so I googled it. He had testicular cancer when he was 19.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gets a lot of the fellas. That's a young man's game right. Isn't it, Randy? Yes, it certainly is a young man's game. Young man's situation usually. A buddy of mine got it in his late 20s, early 30s. and they said how rare that is.

I thought you were going to say testicular cancer in his leg or something. Wouldn't that be something? Another friend of mine had got it in its late 20s too. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you always hear it's just for young people. They say when you get into the shower,

you might want to explore those some bitches a little bit. Or if you have a wife or a girlfriend who spends a little time down there, yeah, she could. That's how it worked out for my buddy. Look for those little, they get little, what happened when? your buddy. She found it. She was... She was delivering the goods, huh? Of all the men I've been with, this sure doesn't feel like what it's supposed to feel like.

T.J. Oshy? 16-year-rear, 16-year-rear isn't a... I may have been speaking another language then. Yes. 16-year NHL career is what I meant to push out of my yap. Won a cup in Washington. Beloved player here. otherwise known as T.J. Sochi.

When they played the Olympic games there, I don't know how many years ago now, T.J. Oshy had that unbelievable run of penalty shots, if I remember correctly. He just dangled the goaltenders right out of their jock and had these beautiful penalty shots in the Sochi Olympics, and that's how he got the nickname. Big, tall, strong kid. T.J. O'Sie was a really enjoyable player to watch. watching him play. Then we got Ryan Suter. Oh, you bastards, how you turned on Ryan Suter here in the state of hockey. One of the most dominant and consistent two-way defensemen of his

generation. Ryan Suter was a hell of a player. State of hockey turned on him. You know who you are. Played in 1,526 regular season NHL games over 20 years. They kind of game. them the they gave them the Martin Scula treatment here in Minnesota. They did. They treated him like he was frigging Martin Scula, and it wasn't fair. Oh, man. If you're too young, there was a defenseman that the Wilde signed.

Good offensive defenseman, guy who could quarterback the power play by the name of Martin Scula. And, oh, God, everyone was thrilled. and then the guy had a couple bad games and the crowd just wanted to run him out of town. I just, I have fond memories of going to a wild game when Martin Scula was playing on the club and everyone had turned on them. They suddenly decided that we hate Martin Scula.

And it was some big late season game and Scula's got the puck and the crowd, boo, you lazy bastard, nobody wants it. And then he fires a shot and it goes in and they went, oh, yay! Okay! Oh, okay. I suppose if you're going to be going to,

score. That's okay by us. Cool. Right. And then finally going into the Hall of Fame, Stan Wong, an athletic trainer. He was in the hockey community for 40 years. The trainer. It's cool that they do that.

Worked for the Washington Capitals. He worked at some All-Star games and this and that began his career as an NFL trainer. Oh, my goodness. It's a dual threat. worked in the USFL too as a trainer and then eventually spent a good 40 years in the National Hockey League.

Most folks remember his hit hip-hop dance single back in the year 2000, which was called the Wong song. That was Stan Wong. I don't think that's... Wong, my Wong song, right, Josh? Let me see that Wong. We had him in studio. Yeah. Pretty cool that the castle can go in together.

Husband and wife. I'm kidding. They're brother and sister. Yes, of course. That's very cool. Has that ever happened? Maybe the Sutter's or something have family members ever gone in the lines? The Granados are both in, but I'm not sure that they went in the same year.

Tony and... Cammy. Oh, oh, right. They're brother and sister. Yeah. Tony and Cammy Granato, correct. You're saying they did go in at the same time. I don't know if those two went at the same time, but they both are in.

6.5.1.5.1.93. All right, we've got our NASCAR swear jar update. And this is pretty fun here what NASCAR has put together. If you miss this, we brought this up, oh, I don't know, a couple of weeks ago. NASCAR has officially been counting up all the swear words on the driver's radio. This started, like I said, a couple of weeks ago. And it says here NASCAR is officially counted up and around 468 foul expletives on driver radios since its swear jar promotion started earlier this month.

They announced on September 4th they're going to dump $5 into a bucket every time a driver swears on their radio during the NASCAR chase for the title, they call it. I think they're down to five or six races left on the schedule. Fans can guess the total swear count for a chance to win the pot. So in two races, I think there have been two races, 468 swear words. I think it would be cooler if they guessed the swear words. It's really just two that we're registering. There's a couple, three very popular ones. Yeah, I think that'd be great if you could make out a top five swear words.

most likely to be heard over a NASCAR radio. The F-word is dominating by far. Well, maybe the most unique variation of the F-words, too. Yeah, and there are ways to make it more creative. Yes, oh, for sure. Like the other day, my brother called someone an F-knuckle. Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

The combinations can be so creative. Sure, all of those are great ideas. Best combination. So, 245 terrible, foul word. alone were picked up on NASCAR radios during this past Sunday's race, which was called the Enjoy Illinois 300. 245 curse words were coughed up just during that one race. So that was a total of $1,225 added to the swear jar.

Fans can win the monies if they can correctly guess a number of swear words across radio channels every Sunday. So we're up the 468. That's a total of $2,340 in the Jarski. Josh mentioned this already. The favorite curse word among the drivers and their spotters and whoever they're communicating with, the most popular curse word is the F word. The F word has made up 235 of the total 468 profan.

is second most popular at 103. Next up would be bullsh. And then another popular one, show. I like that one the best. So we go F, we go sh, we go bullsh and we go show. Top four. I love your discipline, how you're able to do that without breaking. 30 years, Randy.

Yes, I'm impressed. Thirty years of trying to put a lid on my filthy mouth on this live radio show. Derek, do you have any favorite stories in your career in radio? Do you have any favorite stories of cursing on the radio? Have you ever made the mistake? Did you have to can somebody because of it? Something like that? Yeah, I mean, not quite can.

Reprimand. But back in the days, this was maybe a month or two post-Janet. So when... Post what? Janet Jackson. Oh, yeah. That did change radio big time. We had to be very careful after Janet Jackson exposed one of her lungs on television.

Yeah, the sensitivity to foul language among the broadcast executives could not be more high at this point. Yeah. And we, at the time, we used to do a game show on the radio. And one of my partners in the game accidentally cursed. And I went to hit the dump button and the dump button was not armed. Oh. And that was the last time we did that show. Nobody got fired, but there was quite a talking to,

and people were very worried about a fine that never came. My fondest memory, I got hammered on the air and cursed up a storm, but that was many, many years ago, way before Janet Jackson, for Christ's sake, everyone thought it was funny. I don't know how we didn't get in deep trouble, but it worked out for me. But one of my fondest memories is one morning at the end of our show, Josh tried to say the name Mike Hunt. No, Ethan Hunt.

Oh. Yeah. I tried to say, Ethan Hunt is coming back to studio. And instead you said Ethan with the bad. That's right. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah, so.

See, it would have been fine in England. Yeah, that's true. They don't mind that word. Yeah, so when I tried to say Ethan Hunt is coming back to theaters, it came out wrong. And I think just because in my head, I'm saying don't say the C word, don't say the C word. And that happened. I'm curious as the program director, if you're on the text light right now, Any of you care if we cursed?

You know what I mean? Like most of you, I'm suspect he would like it better. Oh, I think some people would. Yeah, we hear folks say you guys should swear. There are people who are sensitive of that kind of a thing. I don't understand it. I've been cursing since I was two. I mean, please don't, by the way, because I don't want to get us fine.

No. You said, yeah, that time you got hammered on the ear, Nick, he did say a couple of pretty bad words. I was absolutely. and completely out of control. Yep. But that wasn't your fault. I mean, they got you way too drunk.

Oh, my damn. Is that one of those like drunk driving shows? Yes. Exactly. Oh, I was beyond, beyond control. I lit everybody up that I didn't like at the radio station. That was your time. Can we do one of those again?

That was uncomfortable because I worked with one of the guys. Because everything I said was true? Well, I worked with one of the guys that you went after, and we came on right after you, so we had to walk by and just pass each other there in the doorway. I was nearly a dead body. And yes, here's a listener reminding me of, here's a listener who's heard the story before.

Yes, I made my mother cry. I was so belligerent and so out of control on the radio show. And when my folks were still living in town, my mother would only tune in just for 10 seconds. just to hear my voice to know that I made it to work. Because I was a young guy. I was still pretty wild. So she would tune in every morning just for two seconds, hear my voice, turn it off.

And she tuned in that day, and I was just unleashing hell. And she said, I sounded so horrible that she started to cry. I get a kick out of that one, too. Thanks for reminding me. Oh, God. The drunk driver show and the St. Patrick's Day Live broadcast. Two days that program directors live in fear. I can tell you that.

Man. I'm trying to think if there was anything else from that day. Oh, yeah. How'd you feel the next day? Oh, I thought I was dead. I wouldn't be surprised. It was so bad. It was so bad.

I remember I passed completely out. My ex-radio partner was able to get me into my apartment, dump me into bed, and I'm completely unconscious for like four or five. hours. I woke up and I wasn't able to do anything other than just kind of lightly sip on a water bottle for about

16 hours. I couldn't eat anything. I was so I really honest to God, I came close to dying of alcohol poisoning. That's how bad it was. Really honest, that's no joke. It was horrible. I'm just glad you hydrated.

You did his best. What's your feeling? It sounds like a good strategy for my dental appointment today. You hammered? Yeah. Well, they'll help you with that, too, but... They've got the good stuff there. Oh, yeah, Brad mentioned a couple days ago he has to have his gums removed or something.

What the hell's going on? Gum scraped. Oh. Yeah. Maybe sure. That'll be a lot of fun. Here's a listener who's texted in to ask us what our favorite swear word is. Oh, that's a tough one.

I guess there's probably a couple. Yeah, I got a couple that I really like. Good question. Combinations. How about the one you depend on the most? Well, that would ease a couple. be the F word. Yeah. The one that flows easily.

Yeah. I think for all of us that would be the F word, right? Probably. It's only natural. But we'll get back to you. Maybe I'll text you my favorite swear word. I'm not going to say it out loud but that is a great question. All right. I mentioned, I think, a few

days ago that I don't know what's gotten into a few of these websites, but they're very dialed into their all-time rankings. Have you noticed that, Josh? Yeah. Everybody's dumping in there. Maybe not a lot to write. Well, now the NFL's back.

They're writing a lot about that. Yeah, you'd think that business would pick up a little bit, but a lot of all-time rankings have been making the rounds. How about this now? I'll be damned. Bleacher Report. Bleacher Report. They must have an incredible dedicated staff because they've sat down

and made up a ranking of the 99 best teams of all time. 99 of them, the best teams of all time. College, pro, every friggin' sport you can imagine. You're talking about like a team per year? Like the 27 Yankees? Yes. Oh, my God. Yes.

They say ranking the best, okay, they're more specific here. Ranking the best North American teams of all time is no easy task. How does one compare the greatest squads across sports and eras? where do you even start? Right. Well, I guess first, they narrowed the field to nearly 200 teams with two rules. No franchise could have more than one entry within a five-year period. And that way they say they ensure they're including different core groups.

Only teams from the NFL, NBA, WNBA, NHL, college football, men's college basketball, women's college basketball, and Major League Baseball were considered. and then they had a panel of contributors rank their top teams. They leaned on things like strength of schedule, margin of victory per game, overall winning percentage, and on and on and on and on. So they went ahead with ranking the 99 best teams of all time.

That's crazy. That's a lot of work. It is. Well, I mean, what's the difference really between the 81st and the 89th best team? I mean, you're just at that point. You're just wrong. Yeah. Right.

But still, that is a lot of friggin' work. Sure. All right. So maybe you're asking any of our hometown clubs make the list of the 99 greatest team. I got to believe the 98 Vikings team is probably somewhere after 50, between 50 and 75. Well, Brad Reiter, I'm not the guy to ask for that. I just decided to scan. Oh, well, I am the guy to ask for that.

I did scan through the whole list. And there's only one... The links have to be on there someplace. There's only one Minnesota team who made the list of the top 99 ball clubs of all time. I did scan through the whole thing. I had forgotten all about it because it was a couple of the days ago. And Randy Schaver is correct. I was going to say, I'll bet you it's the links before it's the Vikings.

It is. I'm presuming winning a title is kind of just a prerequisite here, right? It certainly looks that way. At number 49, the 20 and 13, Minnesota Links made this report. Cheryl Reeve, the coach, the key players were Maya Moore, Janelle McCarville, Lindsay Whalen, Simone Augustus, Rebecca Brunson. Yeah, that was crazy.

They had a winning percentage of 805. They won the WNBA final final. Moore won her first and only finals MVP. So yes, just one, just one local team. F the 98 Vikings, F whoever else you might have been thinking about. Yeah, I mean, the Vikings didn't win. And that's why they're not there. Right.

But I will bet, though, that the Patriots back in 2007 are on that list, and they didn't win the Super Bowl later here. Maybe so. If you want to go through the whole 99 again, right-writer, knock yourself out. Read the article while you're in the waiting room with the dentist. Yeah. Wait until they give you the gas. Yeah.

The top 10 goes like this, number 10, the 85, 86 Boston Celtics. You had your Casey Jones and your Larry Bird and your Kevin McHale, your Robert Parris, Dennis Johnson, Danny Aange, Bill Walton. Number nine, the 1998 New York Yankees. Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Mariana Rivera, David Cohn, Paul O'Neill, Tino Martinez, Andy Pettit, Joe Tori, the manager. Number eight, the 1984, San Francisco 49ers. Joe Montana, Roger Craig, Ronnie Lott, Dwight Clark, Russ, Francis, Freddie Solomon,

Wendell Tyler. Ooh, Wendell Tyler. One of my favorites. Number seven, the 2000-a-1-1, Miami Hurricanes. Ken Dorsey, Andre Johnson, Vince Wilfork, Ed Reed, Jeremy Shockey, Clinton Portis, Bryant McKinney. I think they had four NFL running backs on that one team.

What year was that again? 2001. Jimmy Johnson. Was that Jimmy Johnson that coached that team? No, the head coach was Larry Coker. Okay. So this is after Jimmy Johnson, obviously. Four NFL quality running backs came from that roster?

I believe so, if I'm remembering the team correctly. Well, we got one here in Cleveland. Clinton Portis. Number six, all-time greatest team. The 70- Hello? Hello? What? I was going to say the dolphins have to be here somewhere. 72 Miami Dolphins is next on the list.

Oh, they're number five? Six. Number six. That's a little low. Wow. Bob Greasy, Earl Morale, Larry Zonka, Mercury Morris, Paul Warfield, Nick McCutty, Larry Langell. It's never been done again.

How can that be six? Well, why don't you hear the top five, and then we can revisit the Miami Dolphins of 19 and 72? That's wrong. That's not right. Number five, the 1971-72 UCLA Bruins basketball team. No. Bill Walton, Henry Bibby, Keith Wilkes, Greg Lee, Larry Farmer. I would say the earlier UCLA team that won like 80 games in a row deserves to be higher than that.

Number four, the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens, coached by Scotty Bowman, key players were Gila Fleuer, Ken Dryden, Larry Robinson, Steve Shutt, Serge Savard. Also, they're missing Bob Ganey. They're missing the guys who coached here, Jacques Lamar and... What the hell is the other guy's name?

Jacques Lamere and Mario Trombly. Number three, the 27 Yankees. Yeah. Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig. Yeah, I don't think they deserve to be ahead of the Miami Dolphins. Number two, the 2016, oh, here's one Derek will jump on board with.

The 2016-2017 Golden State Warriors. Absolutely not. What? Absolutely not. They should be in the top 10, but further down. They are the second, greatest team to. Bull crap.

It's because they didn't go undefeated? Is that? No, that's just bull crap. Does champagne? There's only one NBA team that deserves to be in the top. 10 and that's the Bulls and Michael Jordan. That's the only one.

According to Bleacher Report, according to Bleacher Report, the greatest team of all time is the 1995-6 Chicago Bulls. That's the only team. Josh knows this. Phil Jackson was a coach. They had Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen, Dennis Rodman, Tony Cucock, and Steve Kerr. Yeah, well, that's the best NBA team ever, but I do think the Warriors are the second best NBA team ever.

don't deserve to be ahead of the Miami Dolphins. That's crap. That's just not right. The 72 dolphins should be the greatest of all time. They should be in the top five, top three. That's never been done. It's never been done again. When I was going to Brown Institute, we used to put on these little fake radio shows in order to prepare ourselves for a lifetime of misery. For the real fake radio?

Yeah. We'd put on these little fake radio shows so you'd be like me, and two of my classmates, and we would, you know, try to create a real show. And the instructor or professor, you want to call him, whatever, he got really pissed off. We were doing a fake sports report, and one of my classmates insisted on calling Tony Kukoch, Tony Kukok. We got reprimanded. Tony Kukok, he said.

All right. I didn't mean to upset you, Randy Shaver. By the way, the 2001 Miami Hurricanes, Clinton Port is Frank Gore. for Willis McGahey and Najee Davenport. They all played on that frigging one team. Holy balls. So there you go. You can also make a case for the 72 Lakers team.

Randy probably remembers that better than I did do. I mean, they won, what, 30, 35 games in a row or something like that that season? They were number 17. Okay. They have to be on there somewhere. 17. I mean, the Chicago Bears in 85, you can argue. for them that the UCLA Bruins, that group in the 60s that won like, I don't know, they won

70 games in a row or something like 80 some games in a row, I think. Yeah, something crazy like that. Lou El Cinder and, you know, those guys, that that team deserves to be in the top 10. I mean, that's never been done again either. A lot of great ball clubs over the years, boys. I have a hard time with college teams other than something like what UCLA did being in the top 10 just because I think it's harder in professional sports to have these great teams. I was a little surprised, I think, to see in the top 10.

surprised not to see one of those Christian Leitner Duke, you know, Christian Leitner ball clubs from Duke slip in there because they were unbelievable. I mean, they really were. As much as I hated them. I think about the big red machine in the 70s. Oh, sure. The Oakland A's in the 70s.

This year is a sad example of how some people are wired, especially when it comes to friggin football. The University of Mississippi is having to bring in extra police for this weekend's ball game with Louisiana State. Number one, they're expecting a record crowd for the ball game. Both clubs are ranked

in the top 25, maybe even the top 10, something like that. I'll get to that. They are expecting a record crowd, but also extra cops are being called in because so many delusional morons have made threats on the life of LSU's new head coach, Lane Kiffin, who of course, just last year was head coach at Mississippi. Yes. He is a marked man. There are even rumors, Cubby, that the damn National Guard might be getting involved. Football, people. It's mother effing football. If some of the stories I've read lately are true, some of those police might be to keep Lane from the Co-eds. That's why the National Guard's there.

Wait a minute, I didn't hear this story. He brings so much onto himself. It's just unbelievable. You mean like he's dating a college girl or something? Yeah, Nick, you know, look, it's just what I read. That's all right. Nick Sabin has been kind of hitting around when he was out in Alabama and separating in his marriage. He was, well, he was seen a lot on campus. That's hilarious.

Chasing after those college girls, huh? You know, Kiffin is the one that, you know, said they were going to bring in NFL players who didn't make a roster in the NFL. They were going to sign them to play at LSU. And of course, that didn't happen, but it sent such an alarm bell through college football and everything. He's just, he just brings a lot onto himself. I'm not saying he's not a good coach or a great coach he is. He does a great job. People are texting in saying this happens wherever Lane Kiffen goes. Yeah, you're correct. I'm not telling you this because it's wildly original, but it's still a story that the National Guard might have to be posted up at a football game.

And he's a Bloomington Jefferson. I was about to say he's a proud alum of Bloomington Jefferson. Was he ever one of your prep athletes of the week? He was not. No. His dad was awesome, though. Monty Kiffin was one of the great interviews and great guys when he was the defensive coordinator for the Vikings.

He had a great run here, Monty Kiffon. He did. Yes, he did. I had completely forgotten that Lynn. spent some of his childhood here in Minnesota. I'd completely forgotten about that. It was all high school years. Yeah. Well, none of us really ever liked anyone from Jefferson, right?

Maybe Mark Parrish. He's a good guy. Other than that, Josh, I mean, you grew up in the area. He never liked any of those Jefferson kids, did you? Nobody did, no. Yeah. Actually, I've never heard anything bad about a Jefferson kid. So, again, both schools here, Mississippi and Louisiana State are both ranked in the top.

Top 10. Should be a fun ballgame. It's a damn shame that it has to mean more than that to certain idiots, but that's the deal. Right, right. Grown folks down there in Mississippi, apparently aren't mature enough to handle the level of rejection that Lane Kiffin dumped on them.

There's not a lot of other things to be interested in down there in Mississippi. The focus is on the football team a little bit, I think. Yeah, I hear you. They do love college football down that way. Oh, for sure. I mean, when I was down there. It's a religion of them. They weren't old Miss people or Mississippi State people.

These were Southern Miss people. This was right on the coast, yeah. Sure. So they talked a lot about Brent Farve because he was a Southern Miss guy. Oh, God. Yeah. They also just love to dream. until the friggin' sun came up.

They were not shy down there. So I went down a little bit of a rabbit hole the last few minutes about Lane Kiffin. Apparently his daughter is dating one of the LSU football players. Okay, you've got to start that over again. Lane Kiffin's daughter is dating one of the players for the team that he's currently coaching. Yes. Is she a co-ed at LSU? I believe so, yeah.

Okay. Okay, is that controversial? Is that not allowed? I just thought it would be interesting to note that. I didn't know if that was against the rules or something. I don't think so. Oh, well, so. Now, if Lane was dating a co-ed, that might be against the rules, but they wouldn't like that.

The twins got destroyed again this time around the final final turned out to be 8 to 1. They've been playing the douchebag New York Yankees, don't you know? Now, don't tell the poll lads because they are my bro lads. Don't tell them, but I skipped out on this one pretty much all together. Oh, yeah. September 16th, Josh, I've officially loosened my grip. You're done, really? Well, I'm not done. I've loosened my grip.

I might not watch every game from here on out. But I will say, Nick, there are some signs of a team that can be pretty good in the near future. Oh, without a doubt. I love the Rodriguez kid. Yeah. I think that Kishol, Walker, and Rodriguez in an outfield looks pretty darn good two years, three years from now. Sure. Brooks Lee, I think, is a solid baseball player.

He's not flashy, but he gets the job done. Very good defensively. A 20 home run guy. Clemens can play everywhere. Cole Pepper, I think, is going to be a really good shortstop. They've got to figure out. the pitching staff. They've got to figure out the bullpen. I mean, that has been, that's what has made the last few weeks tolerable is watching the young fellas.

Yes. Yes. I enjoy that. So I think the future is somewhat bright. If they can figure out, can they afford Ryan Jeffers. I hope they can. I'd love to see him keep them, but catching's going to be a big question mark. And so is Royce Lewis. Do you keep Royce Lewis or do you let him go? Those are kind of some of the big question. I know in some ways, you know, the last 11 games maybe aren't super meaningful, but if you look at their record, let's just hope that they don't have like this collapse over the next couple of weeks where they end up, you know, like 72 and 90 or something like that. I mean, they did play a lot better than that this season, so it kind of hope that they finish halfway deep. And look at the division. The White Sox in Cleveland are barely over 500, and they're fighting for the division.

title. Well, the twins were barely over 500, you know, less than two months ago. Right. So if they had just played 500 baseball, they would be in the conversation. I think they're smart if they're set up to look good two, three years from now, because that might be the next time we have baseball again. Boy, yeah, you're right. And you know what, Derek? That's actually a very good point because the strike, I don't think, is going to hurt the twins as much as it will other teams. they've got young guys that they can afford to have sit through a strike year and still be fine. Especially what's going to happen out of the strike.

I mean, if things get settled the way that they should out of the lockout or strike or whatever you want to say, it seems like the twins will probably welcome a little bit longer work stoppage because the result of what's going to happen, they're going to benefit them in the long run. I know fans are going to be ticked off about it. not happy about it, but I think the longer it goes on, my point, the longer it goes on, I think the better it's probably going to be for markets like the twins down the road.

Actually, I don't think Twins fans may be as but heard about it as other places. No, you're right. Like the Yankees or the Dodgers and the Cubs and the Brewers. Just because the twins fans know that their, or Twins fans know that patience is going to be a big

part of the fan experience waiting for these young guys to take hold. So yeah, the strike could be if everything works out the way it should and the salary cap is in place, that is so good news for the twins.

Yeah. By the time they play real baseball again, that Walker Jenkins will be 27 years old or something like that. That's good stuff. Oh, it sounds like all we really missed last night was a spirited performance by Twins manager

Derek Shelton. I saw a recap video on Shelty getting tossed last night and he was pretty animated. Oh, I didn't see it. It was something about a disallowed home run hit by that rookie Emmanuel Rodriguez Shelton. Let the umps have what for? Colorful language? The whole works. I'm sorry I missed that in real time.

Other than that, they wrap up the series today with a day game. The Brewers clinched their fourth consecutive National League Central title. I know we got some Brewers fans in the friggin in the crowd. Did you guys get a look at this University of Michigan baseball?

Again, with the University of Michigan. Jesus, what a, it's like the twilight zone over there. This University of Michigan baseball player, he's a current New York Mets prospect by the name of Mitch Voight. Anybody? Yes. Is this up on 936.com? No.

He went viral on social media yesterday. A picture of him was going around, and I agree with people. looks like an AI generated human being. He does not look real. Yes, that is up. I just didn't know his name. Sorry. So you got to look at the pictures that are going around. He doesn't look like a human being. He looks like a cyborg or an AI generated character. He looks like a video game character. It doesn't look real. No, he does not.

He's just a good looking guy. That's true. Oh, it's more than that, Randy Schaever. Are you looking closely? Oh, yeah. Look, I see him. Yeah, I'm looking at him. And it doesn't strike you as really bizarre and AI-ish? I don't even find him that good looking. I just think it's like Nick's saying. Like, it's just, it's bizarre.

Well. Really weird. Now, internet dorks had many funny comments when they saw this picture of Mitch Voight. One of them said, this is how the devil would look in a Disney movie where he comes back and plays baseball. Another individual said, they got to get this kid up to the big leagues ASAP. Come on, Barbie, let's go party. That's awesome. I really thought those would get a bigger response.

I like those a lot. It's really strange, this kid's appearance. Now, sports fans on social media also realized that Voigt is the same kid who also went viral when he was playing college baseball at Michigan. Maybe you remember this. This was a popular video for a stretch of time. After he safely slid into third base, he pretended to snort the chalk of the third baseline as if it was cocaine.

I forgot about that. They say he currently plays in the Mets organization for their AA ball club, the Binghamton Rumble Ponys. But I think this kid is a cyborg that's here to kill us all. Like the T-2000? Yeah, when I look at that picture, I get bad vibes. It's the eyes for me. Like his eyes don't quite seem to fit with the rest of his face.

Got lifeless eyes. It's like a doll's eyes. His hair, too, doesn't seem real. Quinn Hughes. Kind of reminds me, remember that was that, like, oh, the super hot convict guy. That everyone was like, oh, the super hot convict dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His eyes were scary. Oh, yeah, this Voight kid makes Quinn Hughes look normal. We had someone text in about the conversation we had earlier about the greatest teams of all time. They feel like the Charleston Chiefs were left out of the top 10. Where's the Savannah Banana? But consider the Chiefs for a minute. Harlem Globetrotters.

They were very good. God, their record is incredible. I know. They deserved it. What about Walter Matho's bad news bears teams? Well, they did lose in that title game against the Yankees. Yeah, that's true. Here's this listener's argument for the Charleston Chiefs.

He said they overcame a cheap-ass owner. Yeah, Joe McGrath. Well, wait a minute. Joe McGrath was the GM. The owner was that gal. They played in an awful arena. It made the goalie sick. Puk every time.

Puk. Denny Lemieux. The owner threatened to fold the team. Then you consider some of the teams they played against. Dave McCracken from the Syracuse Bulldogs. he was known to gouge a man's eye out with the flick of the wrist. And of course, that criminal player from Canada, Canada didn't even want him. Ogi Oglethorpe.

So he says, show me a better team. Show me a more resilient team. Oh, this young man has had a very trying rookie season. What with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada, and that country's refusal to accept him, well, I guess that's more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Ogi Oglethorpe! There you go. boys.

Oh, man. We're going to shut her down, Randy Schaber and Brad Ryder. All right. We'll talk to you tomorrow and have yourselves a good day. You bet. More with the Half-Ass Morning Show and our guest today, Derek Madden, when we return here in a few minutes. The 93X Half-Ast Morning Show. Hey, podcast, friends.

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Ah, right then. What are we doing now? What are we live or something, Josh? Yeah, you just jumped off your chair. Was that the quickest you've ever seen anyone? put headphones on top of their head. It was a blur. That was impressive.

I was reaching over this way. I had my weight completely shifted to the other side of the room, and then I heard the little thing happen. And here we are. She's the Wednesday show. Again, we want to thank our pal and coworker Derek Madden for filling in today. Dana had to go ahead and take the day off. We asked Derek if he wanted to sit in just for the hell of it,

and he said word. Thank you for letting me screw things up all morning. You're doing all right. There's a lot. That computer system's very confusing and you're nailing it. You're doing all right. Like I said earlier, we've taken advantage of the situation. Being morning radio people here with our empty, boring lives, void of all social activities.

We pounced on Derek right away this morning, asking him about his life. Because with his regular work hours, he has one. And we got to talking about your engagement. Derek is currently engaged to be married. I'm not usually a supporter of such things, but hell, I'll play along for today. So again, let's be the parasites that we are and suck some more information out of Derek's personal life. Are you planning a bachelor party? You know, I hadn't gotten that far, probably.

Do you guys have a, you know, are you going to have a large, wedding or have you talked about that? Small ceremony just because of the time constraints with the whole process, you know what I mean? Will it be in Minnesota? Did we already mention? She's from England and she'll be moving here to get married. So will the wedding be in Minnesota? Yeah, like I said, civil ceremony, I think, for now. And then maybe we'll do a wedding later on. Some point, who knows? Bachelor party, you haven't really thought about it much? Yeah, you know, I mean, I don't know. Sowed a lot of those oats, you know what I mean? Yes, you're probably at an age where that's not all that damn important to you anymore.

At least the idea of a traditional bachelor party where you get just absolutely destroyed and the cocaine and the prostitutes and the whole thing that we all did when we were young. Sniff and third base, yeah. Yeah, you're probably not too dialed into that. Or am I wrong? No. Well, look, if I had one, would you come? Yeah. All right. Absolutely. And then maybe we'll get wild.

as wild. I mean, I'm, wild for me is staying out till 10.30. So, and I know we're, we're right in the same wheelhouse age-wise. So, you know, if you send us home at 11 p.m., Cubby and I are not going to be disappointed. Fair enough. So let's see where you go with this now. And keep us posted on that bachelor party. Boy, I can't think of the last time I went to a bachelor party. My husband just went to one this past weekend.

Well, he's 30. So, yeah. I mean, that makes sense. That does make sense. I don't know how many I went to. Between the time I was 23 and 35, Jesus was like every other weekend, it seemed to me. I had a rather humbling moment not too long ago. So I don't remember the last time I have either, actually.

But so my oldest, he's getting married next year. We're very excited about it. And I was like, dude, what should we do for the bachelor party? And there was kind of a moment of silence. And he's like, why would you think you're going to the bachelor party? Yeah, what, dude? I don't know what. I just assumed, of course, I'm going to be at the Bachelor Party with him and all his 28-year-old friends.

Now, it's been done. Yeah, I've seen people do it. It's been done to have Dad at the Bachelor Party, and I got one horror story, Josh. Oh, I think I know the one you've told. That would keep you away. You know, I felt silly because, of course, I'm not going to be invited. I don't know why. I was really looking forward to it.

I was thinking this was going to be something I'd be a part of, but of course he's not going to invite me. Why would he? I invited my mom to my bachelorette party. It was like a whole weekend like Cabin Thaney. And that's pretty fun. I guess she did, I think we came out of that weekend with her being concerned about how high my tolerance was, though.

So that kind of sucked. I was like, you know, I had fun with my mom, but I was like now she's concerned I'm a raging alcoholic. Now, roast master's, Mr. Jesus says two boys was not invited to either of their parties. Well, thank you. You made me feel better. But, yeah, I felt silly. Like, when he said that, I realized that, yeah, why would I assume I'd ever go?

You know, if you're just going to do like Ashley hanging out at a cabin, you go golfing, all that boring stuff, sure. Maybe I could go to Chi-Chi's with them or something, and then they can go out afterwards. Yeah, you would probably go out to a nice dinner or something. I'm just saying, if you get dad involved and you're still in that mode where you're going to blow the doors off with the strippers and the whole works, be careful. Yeah, back it up. I got one horror story. Josh, it'll parts your hair for you.

Is this the one where the dad witnessed something that he just, yeah, no dad should see or even know about? Yes, he did. Yeah, he did. It disturbs me. Let's see where you go with this, Derek. Here I have in front of me, here's what every person should do before they up and get married. By the way, our text number, the new text number.

number 651-551-93 the Luther Blymouthton key a text line if you have an idea as to what everyone should do before they get married feel free to text us now first on the list is get absolutely hammered with your friends now that could be part of your bachelor party or bachelorette party or it could be on any given night your reception even I mean you could still do that but your reception is probably going to be a big one but at the reception you're married right I know I'm just saying it's not like you have to be too far off from marriage to get that done. So there you go. It starts off pretty simple. Get hammered with your friends.

Maybe that's a special occasion to you. Maybe you get hammered with your friends all the time. Less and less these days, but not afraid of it. Okay. Because you've been there before. You guys know, we can get hammered. We know how to do it. We don't always have to do it. Exactly. It gets a lot more interesting from here, though. It gets a lot more interesting. I like this one, what you should do before you get married. Flirt with a stranger. just to make sure you still got it. Just so you can say to yourself, Cubby, yeah, I could have.

She would have. I wonder, I mean, how would you feel about, I mean, Derek, if your fiancé was flirting with other guys just to see if she still got it, would that bother you at all? Or at this point, you're cool? I have a lot of trust in her. It'd be kind of a fun game to play if you're together. like out on

out at the bars. Yeah. Well, we've talked about doing the pretend that we're strangers and flirting with each other sort of deals. Yeah, I always wanted to do that

but I just, me and my husband would like start bullying each other or something. I wouldn't work out. Derek's an international banker. Flirt with a stranger to make sure you still got it. You know what that reminds me of?

Oh, we. One of the dirtiest tricks in the history of relationships. where the wife sends a lady to the bar to hit on her husband to see how he'd react and then that lady reports back to the wife

It's hilarious That's a dirty pool right there, Josh It is Okay I mean I realize you shouldn't take the bait But that is a That is dirty pool That's dirty all right

Well flirting's okay Flirting, yeah it's okay Where the line is Right. If there's a line, you know where it is. You don't cross it. What else should you do before you get married? Oh, this sounds like something you would do because you're very well-traveled. You travel a lot for work, but you also travel a lot for your personal life. Take one last solo vacation. Man, I should have done that.

Now, that sounds like garbage to me because I hate to travel, but you like traveling. Take one last solo vacation. If you could think about it for a minute, where would you go? wherever there's a lot of women wherever there's a lot of single women I've done a fair amount as a solo traveling I don't feel like I really need to scratch that itch you know personally you're right if it doesn't happen again

let's say you let's say you decided where would you go is there a spot that sounds perfect to you you know somewhere like somewhere in Mexico like somewhere beachy Mexico like sounds kind of fun so not to a particular event necessarily but just a location to Enjoy the weather. Just an explore a little bit.

You know, I went to a festival in Vegas last year on my own and had a decent time, but, you know, I'd rather be with someone else. I understand. Yeah, we're talking about, according to a report, what every person should do before they get married. This is cute. Someone texted in, Josh, and they simply said, how about getting a nice scalp massage? Oh, sure. I wonder if they were referring to my bachelor party. We ended up doing that, getting a scalp massage.

Oh, is that a joke? Not really on purpose. I don't know. I've mentioned that before. Refresh my memory. Your bachelor party? Yeah. We ended up going to...

Oh, they are joking about that, aren't they? Yeah. We went to the bar, aka oxygen bar. It wasn't planned. We just walked by it and thought, what's that? Let's try it out. Then they gave you a scalp massage. So yeah, that's how it went.

And you and how many... How many other grown men actually sat there and received scalp massage? All the dudes in my bachelor party. How many? Well, all of them, like every single one of them. how is the first word followed by many were they questioned by like a number

how many? Oh god this was you and your dad and your brother wasn't it? Oh my God and one friend yeah because all the other guys couldn't make it they were deployed I can't even have this conversation it just makes me sad

Josh how do I love you so much but at the same time hate your life I did go to a bachelor party in Atlanta once where we had all the designs Atlanta had some legendary strip clubs Oh dude what's the one with the wings Oh Magic City

Magic City yeah Yeah and we had the whole thing plotted out And we started at one of those Brazilian steakhouses where it's like all you can eat with the signs Yeah We're thinking like yeah wild tines with a bunch of meat And then by the end of the night We were by the end of the meal we were all too tired

To go out of some clothes You friggin Carnivores You've got nothing yeah You friggin' dumb... You did nothing. Big dumb animals. Like, I see, when I watch nature videos of tigers killing hyenas or whatever,

they often eat so much that they just lay there. They're exhausted. That was us. So, yeah, I do not recommend all you can eat anything at the start of your bachelor party. Derek likes carcass. At Ashley's son's birthday party, I did the exact same thing. I ate so much barbecue. I thought it was going to die afterwards.

So good, though. All right. We've got to take a break here shortly, but we've got a couple more we can blow through here. And I see some of our listeners are texting in on their idea for what everyone should do, what every person should do before they get married. This sounds cute, and it's kind of a loaded statement. It could go in many different directions. Make one last terrible financial decision with only your name attached to it.

So you're not married yet. It's still just you and your money and your bank account and your pull. decision, make one last terrible financial decision. I can go in for that. Buy yourself a big stupid lifted Jeep or something for no good reason. I mean, something. Is there anything on your list? I forget what that's like. Yeah. Derek, can you think of something where you could easily blow a ton of money on it? Magic City. Magic City. I mean,

there's some very expensive sneakers out there for sure. Tennis shoes. You're a tennis you got. So yeah, what would be your ideal pair as far as like the cost? How much do you think it goes for? Oh, most of them. I try to keep it in the, you know, to the low threes, maybe fours, but you know, you can get

into the tens and twenties if you're, you know. Seriously? Oh, yeah. Holy heck. That's crazy. If you're buying a real wear you know, kind of shoe. I would think so. I, you never I've never really thought about it, but I guess even if you don't share bank accounts, because

my husband don't have a joint bank account. You still, yeah, when you get married, it just feels like you have to ask their permission. Not really ask permission, but like loop them in on bigger purchases. I forget what it feels like to just go somewhere and be like, I'm going to drop 300 bucks on this. Why not? Right.

Dang. I need that pair of panties. Yeah. Haven't you said before that underwear's is very expensive? They are. They are very expensive. Yeah, I'm trying to think what I would do because I'm a very simple guy. I don't have a lot of extravagant spending in my day-to-day week-to-week month-to-month.

Maybe like something dopey like Josh, like I'd go all the way to Rio de Janeiro to see Iron Maiden or something like that. Oh, that's a good one. You know, probably end up dead. But we're talking about ways to waste money. Oh, that is true. That is true. That doesn't count. The Half-Ass Morning Show.

All right, in only a matter of minutes, we're going to crunk walk our way out of this trash barrel, but we still have to close out this conversation on what every person should do before they get married. And we're directing a lot of this to our coworker Derek over there, who's filling in for Dana today. Derek's all set to get married at some point or another. I don't know when you'll get it done. You could be a year. It could be next week. You don't even know, do you?

Yeah, hoping early 2027. Oh, word up. That's just around the corner. We're directing a lot of this towards Derek. because he's getting ready to get married. What every person should do before they take that massive step. Oh, where did we leave off? Here we go.

Although I don't look at this as a crucial, you got to get this out of the way before you get married, because you can still do this after you get married. Trust me, I'll tell you. Next on the list is spend an entire weekend doing absolutely nothing productive. You can still do that when you get married. you can do that all the time when you get married. Especially when you get married a little older like you are, Derek.

Yeah, sometimes that's all you guys both want to do. You're looking forward to that. Yeah, those are kind of the best weekends a lot of times. When you're younger, what are we doing? Where are we going? What are we going to do? You've got to be doing something. You get a little older.

You're not going to do Dick Tracy, and that's a beautiful thing. Is there something on your list, Derek? Is there anything here where you thought, oh, yeah, I want to do that? Again, when you get married when you're older, probably not, right? You've done everything. Yeah, I've kicked a lot of the buckets, you know what I mean? It's different. If you were 25 years old, we'd have a completely different conversation.

Okay. I don't know if this is the proper verbiage, but I'm going to go ahead anyway because I wouldn't know the right way to say it. Before you get married, everyone should purge the evidence from their camera roll. Is that statement out of 1982? Camera roll. How do you say that? Oh, that's what I would call it. Is that what they call it?

Camera roll photos. Oh, I haven't heard camera roll before. That's what the name for you. photos in your photos. They still call that a roll, huh? That sounded like something from a 1979 Kodak commercial. Okay, get rid of all your old

hot photos of your past conquest and this and that. I've never deleted photos. Yeah, but I probably should before. Wait, you got some? Yeah, I've always been both. Not like dirty. I didn't think they were talking about

dirty photos. I thought they just meant like regular relationship photos. I mean, I never delete any photos, really. We're talking about the stuff that your new significant other might not enjoy. As soon as you guys break up, that's weird to hang on to that. Yeah, I agree. Weird, she calls us.

She's gone ahead and called us weird. So you've never deleted any damn thing. Yeah, I mean, I guess sometimes, you know, unless you get a storage thing, but these phones hold so many now or they live in a cloud somewhere. I just don't think about it too much. I just bought more iCloud storage instead of going through

my photos. There's so many. I don't to do all that? I'm not spent a lot of time looking at old nudes. I can tell you that. Get rid of anything that an ex gave you that you probably shouldn't still own. I don't know what that would be. You guys know a sex toy? A sex toy.

I was thinking way more innocent than that. Yeah, I immediately went like dark and like, yeah, dirty. What about like jewelry? Is that something? If it's something you wear every day, I guess. I haven't really been given that much jewelry. I did, I guess my wedding ring from my last marriage, my mom has somewhere.

I just gave it to her. I don't know what she did with it, but... Look, I get if it's something really sentimental, but like, if you gave me something, now it's mine, and if it's useful, I want to continue to use it. I'm with you. Yeah, I mean, if it's a locket with their face in it, I understand that, but...

You guys know I don't play the ex... I don't play the jealous X game at all. if my wife has some nice outfit that an ex gave to her that she still uses or even jewelry, I don't give two pumps if she wears it. Yeah, I feel the same. None of my damn business. That stuff's never really bothered me. Have one last meal with your family before your spouse's family starts taking over half the holidays.

Yeah. Take one last giant dump without someone walking into the bathroom. That's never going to happen to my house, so I'm good. That was never a worry. Are you guys those people, Derek? Are you going to the bathroom with each other? This could ruin our entire day, depending on how you answer this question. We got two minutes left, Ashley.

This could not only ruin today's show, but the way I think about you in general. I mean, we're pretty open. You son of a bitch. I know what that means. Man, like, you know, not closing a lot of doors. You know, whatever. Hey, Josh. Talk to your friend.

I lock the door. Talk to your friend about it. I'm not even joking about it. I lock the door too. It's funny because I really did I have always been a guy that sort of enjoyed my alone time in the can You know what I mean? Hey, you keep the door open, huh?

Yeah. That's not life. That's not living the proper life. There can still be some mystery in a relationship, no matter how long you're together. It's okay not to know how that goes. I mean, do your own thing, you know? I don't need to see.

Yeah, I don't need to see what your face looks. looks like when you take a deuce, okay? Jesus, crime, and what is wrong with some of you people? We shouldn't even be on, I mean, some people are screwed. I grew up in a house with only one bathroom. Sometimes you have no choice. But you should have a situation where, I mean, my wife and I don't even use the bathroom on the same level of the house.

You can't. There's a pooping bathroom. In fairness to me. And it's the downstairs bathroom and everybody knows it. I don't think I'm... You have a pooping bath. My wife and I are coming up on three years now, and I don't think that I have any evidence that she's ever used the bathroom. Yeah, I don't think my wife has a digestive system.

In my defense, I do live in an apartment built for one dude. That's true. You know what I mean? So when we get a place together and we pick it out, it could be different. Yeah, change that around. I'll support this relationship if you just alter, just a couple of things. All right, we got to get going again. Josh, any shoutouts on your end?

Quite a few. Once again, though, thank you, Derek, for filling in today. We appreciate you helping us out. Best of luck to Madeline, getting her driver's license this afternoon from dad. Well, a little bit of a nervous dad, St. Croix-mowing Jesus. Continuing to check the brand-new Luther Key of Bloomington text line. Happy 51st to UPS Golden Valley Delivery Jesus. Happy birthday to Hercules Jesus, turning 45. Rice County Bushlight Jesus text. a happy 60 second to his old man. Happiest of birthdays to Rye Rye turning 12 from Fat Cat Performance, Jesus.

And happy birthday to Out for a Rip, Jesus. We'll see you tomorrow. 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy,

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