93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Park That Bark

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

Originally Aired January 6, 2026: Six string discount. It's raining turds. Everything you wanna know about unexpected high-paying jobs.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer and I think you should too. An AC tune up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choke slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. The comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93x half-assed morning show. Ninety-three. I'll tell you, you're a great crowd. We couldn't ask for a better crowd. And we thank you for dialing into the 93-X half-ass morning show.

You know, Josh and I were talking. And you know how we get. We get to talking. You guys get to talking. Josh and I were talking when I first walked into the building. We were noting that. Winter has only just begun, and we've already had to drive into work in some pretty interesting weather conditions. The timing has been just right to where we and the rest of you early riser types.

We've had to hump our way into work under some interesting conditions. In case you haven't headed out on the road just yet, I mean, it all depends on where you're coming from. I don't know where the hell you're coming from. But here in the cities, it's a piss pond. Sloppy. People have been texting in saying it's bad everywhere. Yeah, I should have just thrown on Evan Rood on the back of my pickup. I didn't need tires.

So much water. I mean, in places that don't usually get standing water, even in like heavy rains, it was so bad to do with all the snowmell. There is standing water on the road here and there where, while you're trying to steer your motor vehicle, this morning. You will look like you're starring in one of those old Bob Seeger, like a rock Chevy pickup television commercials. So brace yourself out there. And if getting splashed by other drivers and just the normal rain isn't bad enough,

did you guys have a bunch of fog on your way in? Oh yeah. Yeah, what the heck. No fog. Yeah, they made it as tough as possible the last four shows to get into work. I guess. So scary. Mother nature can be a bitch sometimes. It has. It's been, I think, four work days in a row where just getting in here has been a pig. So, you know, be ready. But the bonus, free car wash. There you go. I needed one, too.

Me too. That's the bonus. Your vehicle is going to look beautiful if you make it to work. Because some of you won't make it to work because you're just not a good enough driver. Well, the good news for us, too, though, is after years and years and years of progress, promising. I'm sure that at-home broadcast equipment is coming very soon. I don't want to talk about it. Don't want to talk about it. Sure, it'll be any day now.

One thing I did notice is people were driving reasonably, which you don't always see in inclement weather. Most people were going to speed limit or less. I had to be able blowing by me, just spraying water all over. Yeah, I didn't have that. I mean, I guess there's, you know, like I saw two, three people tops, but they were doing just fine. So here we go. And they say by about 8, 8.30 this morning, the temperature is going to dip down to about 8 below, 10 below. So, no, I'm kidding.

We're going to be fine. It'll warm up later. It'll warm up. But right now it's a good news. It's a show. It is. You know, a lot of people, speaking of driving, our motor vehicles and whatnot, a lot of people these days enjoy spending quality time alone. with their car.

Sure, I love just sitting at my vehicle. Yeah, me too. It runs in the family, I've noticed. My son, same thing. He loves just sitting in there. Ashley, didn't you say once that when you would get home, you'd sit in your driveway for like an hour, just sitting in your car? Yeah, I've done that a couple, gosh, more than a couple times.

I have two. I don't know why. Especially if I have to emergency poop. I don't want to move. But I do love just sitting in there. Yeah, I don't know. And, like, the thing was as I... for a while, not anymore, but I used to go home and nobody was home at my house.

So, like, why wouldn't I just go in and do exactly what I'm doing in my car inside? But I don't know, like, took more effort. Okay, I can't relate to that at all, just sitting in a motionless motor vehicle. Yeah, like, in my garage. I don't know. I can't relate to that. I've never done that in my life, just sat in my vehicle for no good reason. But I more and more.

I understand that alone time, driving, yes, while driving, I can embrace that time to myself. I love listening to music, as my dad used to say, music. I love to crank my tunes in the motor vehicle. That's the focus for me. When I get, hey, I got a 45-minute car ride or a two-hour car ride coming up. I really look forward to that because it's just me and some hair metal. But I can't relate to just sitting in a motionless car. What are you doing in there?

You're just sitting? On my phone. I'm usually like scrolling on social media. You say. Listen to audio books or whatever. A lot of times it's just my wife loves to shop and I'm not a big fan. So if she's going to like a clothing store or something, I'll just sit in the parking lot. Oh, that's.

That's so funny. That's like what I, you know, what my parents had me do when I was a kid. That's understandable. That's understandable. Sure. But there's time where I've got home and done. I haven't done that in a while where I've done the safe thing. Just kind of sat in my vehicle in the garage. Does your wife crack the window for you when she goes to the store?

And then she'll praise me when she gets back if I was a good boy. Don't need to break the window. He's safe. He's got water. She puts a sign on the door. He's an adult. He can get out if he wants to. And you said, Josh, you've noticed your stepson likes to sit in a motionless vehicle? My youngest likes to.

Oh. Yeah, it's, like, he'll sit in there for a really long time. What do you mean? You come home, he's not old enough to drive yet. No, he's getting there. The two of you come home from doing something or another. He's getting there. How old is he now?

He's 14. Oh, my gosh. He starts a driver's ed next year. That's not right. Okay, so the two of you get home. He just sits in the car alone in the driveway? In the garage, yeah. Doesn't that kind of strike you as sad?

he likes it i don't know i understand like if i didn't like the same thing i mean my wife always calls it out like you handed that down to him because i like to do it too i totally get it josh has been nice enough to give me a couple rides here and there over the years and i will say that i enjoy spending time in his truck it's very badass yeah it's cool tell he's got a nice pickup truck he does yeah i mean if you if i if things go wrong in my life josh i need a place to live can i live in the back of your pickup truck yeah you're welcome to you okay I'll make it cozy. I'll find some places for you to put your little Legos and figure out a way you can hook up your switch.

I mean, it's roomy enough that that's entirely possible. You're all welcome to it. Cubby got a nice pickup truck. Smells funny in there, though. I didn't notice. Smells kind of funny. Yeah, it's all the hanging out in there, I think. Here are some other statistics for you.

Tell me if you can relate to this, go along with this. Some people think about life and plan their futures behind the wheel. I'll do some thinking. I guess I don't go that deep. I get kind of mad at myself if I do that for too long, though, because then I'm like, oh, shoot, I could have been listening to music or paying attention to the song or something, something more fun. You get mad at yourself.

Yeah, I'm like, ah, stop thinking about stuff. Yeah, thinking's a big thing in the car. Oh, yeah. Do my best thinking in the car or in the shower. Yeah, I think it's because you're kind of half doing one thing that's mindless, and you can sit there and think about other stuff. Especially if you're just doing something like driving home or it's just muscle memory at that point, you know. Okay, absolutely. You think about this, that.

I've mentioned before that I'm probably my most relaxed when driving a motor vehicle. Something about it relaxes me. I don't know that I've ever made any future plans behind the wheel, but maybe I'm thinking of it too dramatically. When I read Planning Your Future, I'm picturing things like where I might vacation in the next five years. But if they're including just where I might go have a few beers later, then sure, I'll plan my future while behind the wheel. A lot of folks like to just crank their favorite songs. And that's my thing, as I mentioned already. Oh, Josh, some people give themselves little pep talks while driving.

Oh, you're the best. I don't think I've done that. Look at you go. Hey, you signaled your intent. Nice one. You can do it. Yeah. Whatever it is you have in front of you that day while you're behind the wheel,

some folks tell themselves, don't worry, Joey. You can do it. A little pep talk. I love listening to audiobooks, so I'm doing that in the car, a shower or two. I've gotten, in the last few years, I just looked it up, 11. Wow. 111 audio books. That's impressive, man.

Nice. I'm sorry? This past year. No, in the last few years. Oh, still, in the past few years, you have listened to 111 different audio books. Yeah. F me. I should look.

I'm going to see if I can tell how many years that's been. F me running sideways. I knew a guy hated his guts just for the record, but I knew a guy years ago. We worked together on the radio, so now you probably understand why I hated his guts. Yeah. Before we're all said and done, we're not going to. to be friends. No, no.

Except for you and Josh. Yeah, I suppose. Good point. It's always an exception. This guy would say a prayer. He used his motor vehicle for prayer. He told me that every drive-in to work, he would pray that we would have a successful program. He should have prayed a little harder.

Because that show sucked. It friggin' sucked. eggs and I hated it every day. Okay. Some folks just like full-on, all-American silence behind the wheel. I told you guys not too long ago, well, maybe it was about a year ago, that I started to get concerned about myself because there was a period of a couple weeks where I had absolute silence.

Oh, yeah. I need absolute silence. Absolute silence, please. And I could, that's, I had to have it for when I was driving. And I've never been that way. Always been the radio or an audio book. By the way, 119, I looked it up. Nice.

119. 119 what? Audio books. Audio books in the last few years. Josh, were you going through something at the time? No. I mean, maybe I was subconsciously, but enough so were I realized. I had to ask you guys, am I a crazy person?

And you said, yes, you are, that I was listening to nothing. Well, I tried to comfort you by saying, no, I do the same quite often. You're like, Dana, that's not helping. That's making it worse. That's right. It did make it much worse. made it much worse once you found out of those habit that I also had. The only time I've ever done that is when I've been like at the lowest points in my life,

I'm pretty sure. So that's why it concerned to me. It's where I'm like just so unhappy. I'm like, I don't even deserve music. Maybe I was so unhappy I didn't even realize. I didn't feel that way. But it was kind of like the only other times I really do that is if I'm really concentrating. Let's say traffic's really bad or I'm trying to make sure I know where I'm going.

in that case I usually turn the radio down just to focus a little more. But there was a period about two weeks where I kept doing that, and I thought I was losing my mind. My late dad, over-the-road truck driver for 40 years, double amputee Vietnam veteran, he enjoyed silence behind the wheel, and it drove me nuts on some of those long fishing trips we used to take, where I'd have to fight with him to get him to turn on the radio,

I mean, I would tell him, I'll settle for AM news. You know, I don't care. I'll settle for anything. Just put something on the radio. And I think part of why he didn't like anything and he sound while he was driving personally is that when he drove professionally, there was always somebody jaw jacking on the CB. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, sure.

As an over-the-road truck driver, there was always something. some kind of squawking going on with the CB, and I think maybe that burned him out. He wanted silence in his personal time. Speaking of silence, I can't remember what I was reading yesterday. I was reading something, and basically someone talked about how when they worked retail and they wanted to get out early

or they wanted people just to go away, they would turn the music down in the store. And they said people would be so uncomfortable if it was lightly attended, right? There's just a couple people shopping that they'd want to leave. He said basically somebody would make it max 10 minutes and they'd take off. Oh my gosh, yeah.

I went to a store the other day and they had absolutely nothing on. Was it towards the end of the... No, it was in the middle of the day, but it really freaked me out. Like, I definitely noticed it. Well, when I was reading that, I'm like, you know what? I could see that working because I've had this situation too. And it, for whatever reason, it is kind of uncomfortable. Even in a car if I have people in, I'll just turn on the radio for some background music.

Otherwise, it feels weird. Yeah, you're going to hear them breathing. I walked into a joint the other day that was way too quiet. It was my neighborhood auto parts store. Oh, yeah, those are usually pretty quiet. See, I can't remember because I'm never paying 100% attention. But they weren't playing a damn thing. They should turn up some music in the joint.

It's an auto part store. It's a great place to be. It's a fun place to visit, right? Play like the cars or auto-themed songs or bands or something. Sure, you could go that route, but I walked in and I heard a voice say, What's up? And I look, you know, it's a big joint, it's a big joint. And I looked around and where to hell did that come from?

It was the guy at the front desk. He was like 100 yards away from me. But I still heard him say, it was so quiet in there. Now that you mentioned it, Josh, yeah, I can understand it. You know, it's kind of a odd vibe for it to be that quiet unless you're in a damn church. Back to the idea of giving yourself a pep talk while driving. Plumber, Jesus said that your pep talk is telling yourself, you're not telling yourself you're doing a good job.

It's just preparing you to go to work, not rage, quit, or attack your coworkers. Sometimes people are talking themselves down. You're going to be all right. Yeah. I know you're 10 minutes away from seeing Donnie and you hate Donnie. I know a guy who, he said when he drove a lot of times what he did was he'd get in imaginary arguments, just trying to prepare himself for arguments he thought he might get in. You understand?

That's ridiculous. We're like, okay, how would I call? back from this situation. He hated his coworkers, so that's pretty much why that happened. I used to think that way before I went to like middle school. How are you going to respond to a bully or something? Yep. This was a grown man, Josh, who would have practice arguments.

Yeah, and it would backfire sometimes because he would assume someone was going to be hostile when that wasn't their intent at all. So he'd kind of have an attitude. Here's maybe just one more. statistic on our driving, our overall relationship with our vehicles, some folks choose to nap in their cars. Now, I understand city workers, right? That's the old joke.

City workers leaning on a shovel, napping in the truck. Some of you have to. Some of you drive for a living. and your only real chance to maybe catch a 20-minute nap is when you're sitting in your vehicle, right? You stop at Hardee's, you have some lunch, you maybe catch 20 minutes of a nap, and you're back on the road.

That I can understand. But if you can get out of your vehicle and go nap somewhere else, why the hell are you napping in your vehicle? Yeah, it's not the most comfortable place, but it has to be done. And it makes you look like a sleaze bag or something, doesn't it? Yeah.

It kind of makes you look like, is this guy drunk? Is he out of his mind? What's he doing? leaping in a vehicle in the middle of the day. A couple times I've done that, I always thought, like, ah, people are going to think I'm, like, living out of my car. Yeah, it makes you, are you drunk? Yeah.

Makes you look shady. I definitely napped in my car during my lunch break and I worked at Enterprise car rental. Oh, heck yeah. I'm going to go catch a nap, whatever. Oh, well, you had the option to just walk out of there? Yeah, I mean, they gave you, like, an hour lunch break. Oh, an hour? Christ.

You can do what you wanted. Then I just go get into, like, the backseat of a. you know, nine passenger van and catch a nap. Did you set an alarm or something? What's that? Did you set an alarm or just whenever you woke up, you're going back? Josh, I wasn't too passionate about the car rental industry. Good for you that you're able to fall asleep that quickly.

But back when I used to eat lunch in my car every afternoon, one of my old warehouse gigs, we only had a half hour, so I really had no shot. Sure. Just had to rip down some, almost every day I rip down that hot Wendy's chicken sandwich, Josh. Good stuff. Yeah, that's amazing. We were just talking about sleeping at work the other day because we used to, well, we still play PSAs, right? Late Saturday night, early Sunday mornings. And back in the day, they were on tape and there were 30 minutes. So like local organizations, usually local would record some sort of PSA for half an hour at a time. And it was two hours. And so I would run the board. You know, everything wasn't automated like it is now.

So you needed a person there to put the tape in, take the next one out and put it in, that kind of thing. And so I would just set 30-minute timers and nap on that disgusting couch we used to have in the studio. So it was like two hours of napping, basically, you know, minimum wage, but at the same time you're getting paid to sleep. That wasn't too bad. No, it's not a bad gig at all. That was a decent gig. Purple Belt Jesus said he's having mental fights with customers right now because he's been off for two weeks and the other geniuses here suck, he said. Just ready to get yelled at by customers.

I don't want anyone arguing with Well first off I don't know if I would have the The courage to argue with purple belt Jesus Doesn't that mean he could tear your head off With some kind of karate? Easily, yeah. Karate you kick in?

I don't know what he's got a purple. Jiu-Jitsu maybe? Oh, here's a guy, Blackbeard Jesus. He went to the grocery yesterday. Speaking of, you know, walking into joints, some joints play songs for you, some don't. This must have been fun. He walked into his grocery store the other day.

Blackbeard Jesus did. And they were playing Chevy Van by Sammy Johns. Anybody? Got nothing. We made love in my Chevy van, and that's all right with me. I'm going to go ahead and say 78 on that one. What song were we listening to after the show yesterday, where it was very graphic about swallowing a sword?

Was that Motley Crew? I can't remember. Yeah. Yeah. That was terrible. You didn't like that line. Josh doesn't like sexually graphic things. It's smut is what it is.

Smut. He does not enjoy smut. Smut to a cool drumbeat. He can't watch sex scenes in movies, especially if they involve young people. He doesn't like dirty songs. I should have known better. When we get done with the show, Cubby and I sit here for a while. Ashley and Dana, they're gone quicker than you can say Jack Robinson.

They just leave. Yeah. Josh and I stick around for a while. It's called show prep. The both of you should try it anyway. And I like to crank some tunes on my little cell phone. And yeah, we were listening to a random series of 80s rock songs. And an old Motley Crew song came on called Tonight.

Yeah, I don't know if I'd heard. What album's that off? Theater of Pain, 1985. Gotcha. And there was a line in the song where he said, Vince Neal, back when he could say line. Now he can't even say lines. What's the setup?

Blanky blank a danky-dank. It would work if I had the setup. I mean, I know the punch line. I'm looking up the lyrics here. I can't remember the setup, but the punch line that got Josh's attention was Vince Neil said, slide down my legs and taste my sword.

That's so gross. Oh, that's bad. That's so bad. Yeah. And Josh said, well, wait a bit. What? And I said, Vince Neil. song called Tonight.

Slide down my legs and taste my sword. That was the 80s for you, Ashley. They said things like that. No. What's the setup line, Josh? You got the lyrics in front of you? Are you sure it was tonight? Yeah.

This deadly sin is all we know. Slide down my... There's a setup in there. It's the second half of a lyric. Yeah, I don't see it in this. Maybe they don't have all the lyrics on this. All right. Yeah, we heard a dirty song.

I'm so mad. I missed it. Are you? We'll stick around. Hang out with us a little bit. Now, I got to go do that thing and then I got to go home. You ain't got nothing to do. All right. We've got to get going again if you're just coming to and you're getting ready to taste your sword. I was drinking. Ashley almost spit up her power aid vodka.

You know what? That doesn't sound too bad, a powerade vodka. Oh, it's only bad because I drink that so many times when I was younger. Oh, you did, huh? That or Gatorade? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can't mix booze with something you enjoy drinking just on the side. Yep. Oh, I remember back in the day people would mix whatever with Mountain Dew. In high school, that was a big one.

Here's where the confusion happened, Josh, to where you can't find that lyric. Motley crew has two songs called Tonight. Of course they do You can't do that, can't you? They did that. And when they made the second one, they probably didn't remember that they already had a song called Tonight. I bet you're right. Well, you know where it stems from is that Vince Neal has always had a crutch on stage where everything is tonight.

How you doing tonight? Are you ready to rock tonight? I'm sure that's where that came from. And there's a little Motley crew information that you'll never use. Oh, I see. Yeah, there's parentheses after the other one. Yes, they had two songs in their career called Tonight. One was simply called tonight.

The one that we were listening to is called Tonight in parentheses, we need a lover. So did you find it now? Yes. Stand tall and ring the bell. Yes. The final stroke sends you to hell. Take your body like a hammer and a nail. I'm doing a C. Willie Miles routine right now. The taste of love, it might be yours.

Yes, slide down my knees, taste my sword. Can you feel the power inside tonight? Shame on you, Vince Neil. Oh, man. Or Nikki Six. That's fun. Who also wrote that? Disgusting.

That is fun. All right, we got to take a break. We'll go ahead with the stupid news here in a few minutes. The 93X half-assed morning show. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer.

I think you should, too. An AC tune up means better efficiency. fewer breakdowns and peace of mind before we get choke slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead. Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com.

Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialke. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you.

Vince Colonais is redefining news talk. I'm Vince Colonais, host of the Vince Podcast. I'm bringing you the truth beneath the headlines of all of the nation's top stories. In-depth interviews. feature newsmaking interviews with the top guests on the whole planet. And I'll ask the questions you only dream of other interviewers asking. And a front row seat to the most important conversations of the day. It's a show with an obsessive focus on what's good for America. You are going to love Vince.

The Vince Show. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Acid Rock. Sorry if I come off a little distracted during this year, Stupid News Report, but Ashley busted out an onion and baked bean sandwich. And it's reeking up our friggin' studio.

It's horrible. The smell is terrible. It is an egg sandwich with pesto. It smells like onions and baked beans on rye bread. It's so different, to say the least. Yeah, that's a powerful smell. Really singes the nose hairs. I don't know where you're getting onion and beans.

but it doesn't smell like an egg sandwich. You said it's got pesto on it? Yeah, fancier. Did you bring an onion and bake bean sandwich for everybody? Yeah, I got them right here. I'd eat the heck out of us. It's a white bread and onion and beans. I'd eat that.

What? That sounds pretty good, actually. What? What sounds good? An onion and bean sandwich. Your memory is failing. Yes, the onion and bean sandwich you mentioned. Isn't that the old rule, Jof?

Josh is your name. It's not Jof. If you don't bring enough for everybody. If you don't bring enough for everybody. Yeah. I can find some stuff in here. Especially on birthday day, right? You bring in cupcake.

Well, you can't do that anymore, but you used to be able to bring in cupcakes. Oh, that was so cool. But doesn't it, it reeks in here. It's not pleasant. No. Yeah. It's kind of like if you were hanging out with a hockey team who hadn't showered throughout an entire tournament.

When you're in the locker room, it smells worse than that. Oh, wait. Dana, come in here and smell it. I was going to say it smells great in my studio. You guys need more pesto in your life. Seriously, you should come smell this thing and let us know your thoughts. Dana, it smells like onions and baked beans being cooked on sauna rocks. That's what it smells like in this freaking room.

Oh, I bet you regret that sandwich now, Ashley. Not as much as we do. Honestly, not really. It was delicious. Oh, you finished it already? That's gone? It smells like it's still here. smells like big fun stag.

That does. That's the burbs talking. It probably didn't help, like, the combination of, I put, like, an insane amount of hot sauce on it. So it usually makes things smell a little hot. I don't smell hot sauce. I don't smell any hot sauce at all. Egg sandwich, pesto, and hot sauce. Yeah, there's some cheese on there, too.

I don't even know what... Tommy's going to hurt. I don't even know what pesto is, bruh, but... I don't mind pesto. Next time, eat it in the other room, for God said. I can do that. And then wait an hour. Yeah, I wonder what's going to be like in an hour.

Yeah. I got something else I can bust out. Yeah, that's coming out later. Yeah, she gets gassy. You guys are in trouble. No kidding. Gross. There's no beans.

Smells like beans. Okay, our first bit here, our first bit for today's stupid news report, we'll be talking about a masshole. Somebody or another from the state of Massachusetts, don't you know? I've only known one person well from Massachusetts who was born and raised there. I knew him well. He was from the Boston area.

Haven't seen the prick in, oh, 20-some years, yet he still goes down in the record books as one of the most delusional, arrogant ass clowns I've ever crossed paths with. Just a puk bag. So I have a bad image of mass holes since I met and got to know that effing jagoff. Yeah, you knew this jagoff too. Did they work here? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I can't picture who that would be. Masshole sheizes seems great. She texts in. You ever know any massholes personally, Josh? No, that masshole sheezes would be the closest. Well, obviously, I must know this person. It just escapes my mind who it would be. You know anybody from The Vaj?

Oh, yeah. I know a couple people from the Vaj. I went to school with a couple kids from the Vaz. Savage, Minnesota, the Vaj. You know anybody from East Methel? I don't think I do. How about Wastings? Wastings, absolutely.

I got a good friend from Wastings. All right. She loves it there. Morn Rays, she'll never move. This guy, who's the lady from Massachusetts that you know? No, Wasting. I don't know anybody from Massachusetts. No, no, you just said you knew a lady from Massachusetts.

I said the closest would be Mastole Sheez-Sys. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was asking about. I got confusing. This guy has problems. He's from out there in Massachusetts. a 33-year-old Darylicked

Running around town Stealing snowplow equipment Of all things I'd love to have some snowplow equipment I think that'd be cool Your truck is built for it I don't know well no it's not Oh it's not?

Yeah but I would love something like that Snowplow blades This guy was making off with Those aren't I mean I guess I wouldn't know Are they heavy? I imagine they would be very heavy

in difficult steel. Yeah, he had a, Ashley, he had a loser pal with him. Oh. During the caper. Snowplow blades, he snatched somebody,

work truck, this and that. Michael Sanseverro is the effing guy's name. Sanseverro. Sounds shady, doesn't it? Yeah. Dude snuck his way around a car dealership in town. He stole those snowplow

blades. Like I said, he had some bro with him. Oh, cripes. When the cops caught up to Sansevero and his cuck buddy, uh, the police found piles of, not only did they find the snowplow blades, the police found them, but they also found piles of guns and fentanyl. But don't ever challenge this Severino, whatever the hell his name is. Don't ever challenge his manhood, Cubby. He's a real man. They all are. When the cops found him, he was hiding under his bed like a frigging 10-year-old. That's embarrassing.

I got to hope he even thought, this is so silly. Yeah, come on. He just reverted to childhood. This is the least manly place I can hide. He was curled up under his bed like a little 10-year-old on report card day, you know. Next stop for Dinkus is a courtroom. and whatnot. Oh.

Would be cool to have that stuff, but I'd imagine they're going to have that on lockdown. They'll figure that out quick. Yeah. Anoka Hockey Dad Jesus has a problem with you, Dana. Uh-oh. You mentioned the housemaid is full of sex and nudity. Yeah.

He said he saw one nude scene. Hmm. Well, I mean, they're always in provocative clothing for the most part. I guess maybe I oversold a little bit. I apologize. That's just kind of like the parts where I keyed in on. Sure. over selling things.

It's what we do around here on the radio. You know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Like, that concert that's coming up? It's not going to be all that great. Or that other one. The other one. It'll be all right. Yeah.

Yeah, these tickets were given away. You could get better tickets probably just for a couple of bucks. We got decent seats. They're decent. We only got a few of them. Anyway. You want a pair, but the seats are nowhere near each other. Yeah, they're an opposite to the arena.

Let's talk about drinking for a minute. This one's for the drinking crowd. I know some of you might have a moment of clarity. Now and again, I think that's what they call it in the business. A moment of clarity. I know some of you's,

because I've done it myself, you look in the mirror and you say, Jesus, I drink too damn much. It happens. Whether you do anything about it is another story, but I know some of you's question yourselves now and again. It's only natural. That's not why you slowed down, right? It just kind of happened naturally. It wasn't you looked yourself in the mirror and thought I got to make some changes? No. No, it wasn't

anything dramatic like that. Just kind of happened. Just kind of happened. Yeah, suddenly six beers a night went to, you know, five and three quarters. Yeah. You're growing up. You think you drink too much. This will make some of you feel better if maybe you had that moment of clarity lately and looked yourself in the mirror and said, Jesus, balls, I drink a little too damn. You think you drink too much. Here's a guy from stupid New Jersey who got so drunk. He upped and stole some mandolins from a guitar shop.

What are you in a Mumford and Sons cover band or something? What are you looking to play some Robert Plant songs? I'm just impressed you know who Mumford and Sons are. Yeah. I don't. I actually looked up on the internet. Did you? So I could tell some proper jokes.

I looked up on the internet and I, what did I do? What's the word? I googled what bands use mandolins? And one of the top answers was something called Mumford and Sons. I was well aware of the fact that Robert Plant in every other solo song he ever made it included a freaking mandolin. Grateful Dead? On that list, R-E-M?

I guess I haven't listened to enough of either those artists to pick out the mandolin. And I went and saw Robert Plant in concert about 10 years ago. They should have just called it mandolin. Every song. He even took, like, cool old Zeppelin songs and turned them into a little a cappella mandolin thing.

If I would have had a fresh turd in my hands, I would have thrown it at the stage. So who's got a fresh turd? one got a poop. I'm good. If Robert play, no, that's what I was saying to myself at the concert. It was so boring and awful, and I like Led Zeppelin. Anyway, Mandolin, that's my favorite

winger song. Well, Winger's got a lot of great songs. Hungry, also another one. Uh, better than Dana at Mario Kart Jesus wants me to tell my Mr. Big and Winger's story again. I appreciate your interest. It is one of my favorite stories to tell. When we were

17 or something, we're lined up out front, First Avenue, because Mr. Big with opening band Winger, we're playing a show at First Ave. What a great night that was, Josh. I wish I would have seen that show. F me running sideways.

I'm sorry, did you already say where it was? First Avenue. First Avenue. So we're lined up out on the sidewalk like you do. And this character walks by me and my pals. And he says, What the hell's going on in there tonight? We said, concert.

Oh, yeah, who's playing? We said, Mr. Big and Winger. And the guy said, Mr. Big Wiener! What the hell is wrong with you? Going to see Mr. Big Weiner. Billy Sheehan, the bass player for Mr. Big, supposedly does have a big weiner. That's why they call the band.

Right. Billy Sheehan, he thinks he can play the bass guitar. I'm going to agree with his thoughts on that. Jesus. All right. What the hell? happened here. Oh yeah, we were talking about a drunk in New Jersey.

Got so drunk, he broke into, well, he didn't break into, he walked into his neighborhood guitar shop and stole some mandolins. You got to be effing blasted to want to steal mandolins from a guitar shop instead of a real guitar. I mean, how much did you drink?

So that's where we're going with this one. Are mandolins more valuable? Well, it says here, Smashley. I've never looked at a price tag on a mandolin. I had it here Summers. It says here, a frigging weak-ass mandolin can run you up and around four grand. Whoa. That's what it says here, but I wouldn't know Dick Tracy.

How expensive is your average guitar? Can you even... Tell them, Cubby. Well, I mean, you could pick a price. I mean, you could spend $200, you could spend $20,000. Oh, wow. Holy cow. Mr.

Yeah, average, I don't know, under $1,000. probably for the average guy. All right. But once this guy sobered up and saw what he had done, once he woke up and felt the shame,

he brought the mandolins Beck. Oh, that's sweet. To the guitar shop and he even left an apology note. I can picture him, Josh, coming to, after this drunken stupor, right, where he snatched

the mandolins. He wakes up, they're laying next to his bed, right? Probably next to his whack rag. And he says to himself, dude, this is the lamest heist heist in the history of alcohol related crime right here. If my friends see all these mandolins in my house,

they're going to bust my balls forever. I can't have this on my conscience for the rest of my life. Did you F. Mumford and sons? What's with all these mandolins? Oh, yeah. Did you bang Mumford or is it one of the sons that you banged? So he brought him Beck.

And he left a note on the door of the shop that said, in all capital letters, sorry, I've been drunk. Merry Christmas. Listen to this guy, Buzzy Levine. Buzzy Levine is the name. He's been running that their guitar shop since 1981. That's a sweet name for somebody that does what he does. Yeah, he said he was shocked when the mandolines were returned. he chased a prick down the street

when the drunk originally grabbed the mandolins and ran out the store with him, but he couldn't catch up. Busy's an older fella. He said about the return and the note, he said, this is like some kind of weird movie that has a happy ending or something.

That's what Buzzie had to say. In between hits, I would imagine. He sounds like he smokes a lot of pot. Is this a joke? Busy posted something on stupid social media after the mandolins got stolen, he said, be on the lookout for this criminal. The thief has a Montenegrin accent. Is that a joke? Well, that was before. Yeah, he posted that before he, everything was returned. Right, right. I don't think it's a joke. I mean, you could,

the English was certainly broken in the. Oh, it was in the note. Yeah, I mean, he, like he wrote, you are good man or something like that and sorry, I've been drunk, Mary Crick. Yeah, wow, that's excellent. What's the word they use on? television. That's excellent, like, detective work on your part, John. It was. Excellent deduction, Josh. I know about that. Because you remembered that the English was sort of broken in the note, so maybe he wasn't joking about a Montenegrin accent. Could you recognize a Montenegrin accent? Nope, no way. And again, four grand, for one mandolin.

It's a lot of monies for a Montenegrin or any other type of person. You got to flip those here on the street. You're like, hey, hey, you want a mandolin? Yeah, that's a small market right there. Yeah, so there you go. God dang, the guy is in a perfectly cool guitar shop owned by a guy named Buzzy, and he steals a mandolin as opposed to maybe like a Warren-D-Martini model ESP. You know what I'm talking about?

Josh, you know guitars. Yeah, I wonder if it's one of the ones. of those things where he's always kind of wanted one, but he just decided, hey, I'm drunk, I'm going to go get it right now. I don't understand that maybe in Montenegro, it's a huge thing, the mandolin. God, I hated that Robert Platt concert that I went to. That's too bad. Oh, it's terrible. How do you sound just singing? Great. His singing voice was wonderful. This is 10 years ago. But every cool Zeppelin song, you pictured he might play, he turned it into a banjo and mandolin. He's into the bluegrass thing.

He's been into that for 50 years. By the way, some of those like Warren D. Martini Charvels, I mean, you can spend, you know, four or five grand on those. Charvel. You know what I'd steal if I was looking to steal a guitar? I'd go for one of those big old flying Vs like Rudolph Shanker played in the Scorpions all those years. Oh, Randy Roe. Have you ever tried to play one of those?

No. Like sit down and play one. It's frustrating. Oh, to sit down. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you got to, like, have the perfect-sized thigh. Yeah. Well, Rudolph would just kind of jam the V up against it. You see what I'm? So he's up here. That's, that's Rudolph Shanker from the Scorpions.

A lot of you don't even know who I'm talking about. And that's a shame. Sorry. It's a frigging shame. Randy Rhodes, you guys recognize. They don't know Randy Roads. That sounds familiar. Nope. They don't know them. All right, another monkey is cut loose on us.

Oh, I love these stories. This time in Tennessee. A monkey got out and it beat the piss out of a music shop. We don't need to get into it. But as you know, I fully believe that monkeys all over the world have had enough of us running the show. So more and more, they're starting trouble just to send us a message that the takeover is coming. And again, although I will fight to the death with my fellow. humans against the monkey attack.

When it happens, I don't disagree with the monkeys. We've effed everything up, and I do believe that they could do a better job running the world than we can. We had our chance, and we effed it up. Ashley has stated before that she'll be taking sides with the monkeys. Yep. Yes, I will. Well, you're dead. Like the monkeys are going to get me?

They're going to turn on me, or I'm just going to get murdered by the humans? Humans. No, they'll protect me. So a monkey went... These are my monkey protectors. I picture myself like riding on a gorilla's back. Now I want to see that. Hopefully not after that sandwich you had earlier, because that's dangerous.

A monkey went haywire at a music shop in Tennessee, busting up all the guitars and the drum sets and saxophones. Ooh, this is good. Magic playing machinist Jesus. Texted the program. I mentioned if I ever stole a guitar, it would be one of those. those big fat flying Vs like Rudolph Shanker or Randy Rhodes. And here's magic playing machinist Jesus.

Like what KK. Downing played in the 80s when he was with Judas Priest. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Oh, life. I'm going to live it up. Another thing coming, 1982. I see one here, one of his signature flying Vs from 1984, and they want $6,500 for. Oh, that's just a little bit of change.

You got $6,500 bucks laying around? No. Monkey on the loose tore up a music shop in Tennessee. I think the joint was closed when the monkey broke in and started tearing it up. He is the monkey, what they call here, Ashley, a cinnamon capuchin monkey. Oh, those capuchin monkeys are adorable. Oh, but they'll pull an artery out of your thigh. And watch you bleed out.

And they'll lap up the blood. That's our. Blood running you down the monkey's chin. She's into that. They're more widely known cubby as the organ grinder monkeys, like from all the old movies. It's like what you picture when you think monkey. At least for me. Exactly.

This vandal monkey that I was telling you about was caught a day or two after. It broke all the instruments in the music shop. It was caught by the local police. And if this means anything to you, the story is saying that he's a stolen monkey. Oh, no. Believed to have been stolen from a farm in Alabama. Why is there a monkey farm in Alabama? How do you harvest a monkey?

Yeah, I don't know why there were monkeys on this farm in Alabama. They believe it was stolen from the monkey farm and then sold to some. dumb lady there in Tennessee. I'll tell you this, I'd be, uh, I'd easily be more interested in spending my time with monkeys than one of the many, quote, influencers that we have out there these days. Just the term influencer makes my blood pressure skyrocket. Stop bothering people. Oh, you know, uh, here's one of them, a 20-some-year-old online social media influencer kid,

from Miami. He calls himself Isaac or something. He's in trouble with the law down there because he thought it would be fun and entertaining to toss his dog feces. He's got a dog. He thought it would be hilarious to toss his dog's turds

off his 24th floor balcony down onto the sidewalk below. I mean, you know, if you had permission for such a thing, that does sound kind of fun to see something like that, but this guy's just a plain douchebag. And of course, you know, he records the thing and posts it on the godless internet. Isaac or whatever, he calls this his, quote, high-rise method for getting rid of dogs without having to leave his apartment. So there's a video and it shows the dog turds falling multiple stories

before slapping down onto the public sidewalk below. neighbors called the cops. And before Isaac could do something new and stupid, his apartment manager told him he had a week to get the F out. He's gone. If you haven't already been exposed to this jackhole before, it says here that Isaac was known for posting content about his lifestyle as a 21-year-old entrepreneur making $10,000 a month.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, he liked to tell sad stories, Ash, about the quote dark side of getting rich while so young oh yeah uh-huh I'm sure it sucks bud poor guy the dark side I hate him of being so young yet so rich lot of his wouldn't understand I see what this kid looks like a dork yeah you probably don't want to know oh and he sang a very familiar tune when someone was dumb enough to ask him about the dog throwing incident. He took no responsibility

for what he had done. You know, the idea of a disgusting dog turd landing on some old timeer's face or something down on the sidewalk. He took no responsibility for that. Here it is.

He blamed the quote, Cairns that have gone ahead and interfered with his hilarious life. No, dude, you shouldn't do that. It's gross. I love that kind of delusion. Oh, me too. Oh, Josh, and then he made another video where he was kicked back smoking a cigar

talking about how rich he is. Isn't it disgusting what we've become? All thanks to social media. All of it. Air filter Jesus said he would have thrown Isaac off that high-rise balcony. See where he lands. I can understand. All right, what the hell is this?

Well, I guess the good news is this kid is England's problem or Ireland or Scotland, some awful place like that, over that way. He's not our problem. A teenage kid, are you listening to Dana and Ashley? Yeah, of course. A teenage kid effed the rocking horse at a kid's playground. No, you don't do that.

Okay, he's a 19-year-old kid. How? I'll explain. A 19-year-old kid, he calls himself Callum. says here he F the rocking horse and a tree branch at a kid's playground. And that's not right. There are little kids there watching. Outraging public decency is the charge.

This Callum kid picked up in court. But it says here he won't be going to the cooler. Here's the details for you. And they're not good. With parents and little ungrateful children everywhere's At the neighborhood playground, this Callum dude, he walked up, broad daylight. He, quote, inserted parts of a rocking horse into his can while tugging off. I don't like this.

What, you don't? And then he cracked a branch of a tree off, and he keestered that as well. Oh, man. While pulling one loose. The rocking horse didn't get the job done. He's into some weird stuff. Yeah. He cracked a tree branch off of a nearby tree.

I've said it before. I feel so fortunate that I've only been normal guy horny. I've never been tree branch, park in front of people horny. Tree branch. We'll get you there one day, Josh. With ants and bugs. That'd be insane to watch. And birds on it.

When you put that in his can? I imagine him breaking it off, like, really aggressively, too. All of this is aggressively. Oh, yeah, like, needs to happen now. He's got a crowd around. Park, that, bark. Park, that, bark. The court gave this maniac some flipping community service.

They ordered him to stop with the drinking. No jail time, though. And he can never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, go back to that playground. That's good. Tear the playground down. I hope they took the horse out of the ground. It's a fresh reset on that playground. Never, ever, ever go back.

I think he could probably use some mental therapy or some therapy. He's got some issues for sure. This person here says, gosh, he's going to get some turd mites. Putting that branch back there. Yeah, you could get some turd mites. You're right. Poo-poo's and Pee-Pes, Jesus said he's just branching out sexually, yes, quite literally. True story here.

The court, when this Callum kid with the tree branch and a rocking horse sticking out of his ass, when he went to court, the court mentioned that somebody, some poor bastard had to remove and professionally clean that poor rocking horse. Oh, man. After Callum was done playing with it. Don't even clean it. Just trash. Trash that thing. You served your purpose. Yeah.

Bring them to the glue factory. And, like, what, the only thing that I'm thinking, because I've obviously played on those, that he could have used are the handles, too. That's probably what he had up his bottom was the handles on the rocking horse. I don't think anything else would make sense. Yeah, that rock and horse deserves the playground equivalent of the Purple Heart after what it's been through. Yeah. But you had to be there, Josh.

A lot of folks who were there said you had to be there. I'm glad I wasn't. To understand exactly what. Yes. Story's good enough. for me. That's all I need. Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show.

The line bell pediote shot. They score! Sweet cuddly mayhem! It's a sky pool of stuffies! It's the teddy bear toss magic in Hershey. Bears of all shapes and sizes and the ice quickly littered by all sorts of stuffings. And all for a great cause. Over 60 local organizations.

as part of the Hershey Bears Care's program. I got a microphone button over here. The Hershey Bears Minor League Hockey Club hosted their 25th annual Teddy Bear Toss on Sunday. The crowd, if you don't know the gimmick, they all walk into the rink carrying as many stuffed animals. Thank you. As they can. Thank you for not saying stuffies. I don't know why, but that bothered me.

I've never said that once in my life. No, that guy was saying it. Yeah. So it was just, why are you saying that? If you're past the age of like five, it's not a stuffy. I had never heard until he said it. I'd never heard that before. My niece calls him stuff.

Yes, yes. Tell her to knock it off. Ashley. She needs to be grounded. She's in kindergarten. Yes. Teacher young. Can't get grounded when you're in kindergarten?

Yeah, over 18. I can't get grounded. I didn't even notice that, Ashley. He was calling them stuffies. Yeah. I mean, I get it. It's shorter. easier to say, but I just don't like a grown man saying the word stuffies.

So the crowd piles into the rink. You know, they do a little drinking in the parking lot. Then they come into the rink. Everyone carrying as many stuffed animals as they can get their hands on. And as soon as the Hershey Bears minor league hockey club gets on the scoreboard, they throw them onto the ice. Is this for friggin real? There was a total of 81,796 stuffed animals picked up off the ice?

Yeah. I've seen videos in the past, and they cover that sheet ice with stuffed animals. And then they toss them over to your neighborhood charity organization, and a little kid gets to have a... It's cool. I mean, they've busted $102,000 before. Dude. Ha!

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, you have to widen the rink somehow to fit all that in. I don't get it. Coming in with a garbage bag full of teddy bears. Wolves are at home tonight to play. the Miami heats. Oh, I neglected to mention while we were talking hockey that the pigs lost last night. They wrapped the game up a couple, three hours ago playing in Los Angeles.

Pigs lost by a goal, two goals, if you count empty. Okay, wolves, yeah, Miami. Tonight, Golden Gopher basketball hosts the Iowulfur. The Iwoe Norwegians over there at the barn. Bro the boat, scottiemyama and Go, Gover, Big Ten Network. Frigian Iwoegians. Josh's news report is coming up now. The 93X half-assed morning show.

What's going on, podcast, pimpz? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choked slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day.

plan ahead. Booked by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves this 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bealki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bealkylaw.com. That's A-L-E-L-E-L-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Next role with Vernon Davis,

the transformative journeys of athletes, artists, and entrepreneurs. Ladies and gentlemen. Lights out. Sean Merrim. I want to be the biggest and the best one I do. And so whatever it takes, I'll get it done in business and everything else. All I do is know how to fight and earn what I want.

My man. Malik asks, what actor, comedian, what you want to collaborate with? Me, Jamie Foxley, Kevin Hart, in a movie. We said it on Vernon Davis podcast then. So we'll circle back and be like, yep. You go to Calais.

Next roll with Vernon Davis. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. There's a dushiness to them. The 93X half-assed morning show. It's a 10-year-old on a scooter. It's not a normal porch pirate running up, snatching packages that you just dropped off. Some people grip their job descriptions with white knuckles,

and sometimes that devotion tips into something genuinely unhinged, as illustrated by a mailman who appeared to study the famed postal creed and then add an unauthorized addendum. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night nor stop sign would apparently deter him from mowing down a suspected pre-teen porch pirate. Days after Christmas, a child in Florida noticed a mailman had accidentally delivered a neighbor's package to his home, so he hopped on his scooter to complete the delivery for him, a good deed about to be rewarded with a moving vehicle. The mailman, believing the boy was stealing the package, set off on a self-appointed spree of street-level justice, and tried to run him over thinking he was a porch pirate.

But instead, it was just an especially helpful 10-year-old attempting to fix the mailman's mistake. I think he did go too far. If anything, not to chase the kid, maybe try to find a parent or an adult to talk to, because as I read the article, the kid saw the address was just a mistake. He or she was just trying to help. 41-year-old William White Jr. is accused of deliberately steering his mail truck toward the child, December 27th as the boy rode his scooter with the missed-delivered parcel in. toe. White struck and crushed the scooter while narrowly missing the boy who heard his ankle

jumping out of the way. This isn't just a simple oops crash with a 10-year-old in the road. This is an intentional act by the United States postal work trying to run over a 10-year-old. White, who then yelled at the boy. Even the cops going to chuckling about it. What the hell, man? Yeah, porch piracy sucks, but this is a little kid, and you screwed up. Apparently, he pulled the damaged scooter from under the vehicle. He loaded it into the truck and began to drive off as the child's parents came outside. Oh, no, he's stealing the scooter. He stole it.

Confronted, he ultimately tossed the damaged and stolen scooter into another yard. You know, it's amazing what a small conversation would do in a situation rather than jumping straight to use of force or putting your hands on somebody or just really escalating the situation way past where it should have been. The mail carrier was later arrested, then delivered to jail. Jeez. That sucks me to try to do a good deed and he almost get run over. We have a neighbor with a very similar address, just a street over, and that happens all the time.

We ordered a couch, and it was delivered to their house once. Oh, that's a pain in the ass. It happens. I mean, it's probably two, three times a month for sure. Yeah, same. Our neighbors, it's the same thing. They're always getting our packages and texting us. There's a time in high school, something kind of similar happened.

I was out for a run one morning, and I saw a wallet on the sidewalk. So I picked it up, and there's a driver's license in there, and I realized there was just like a block over. So I jog over and find the address and ring the doorbell to be a good Samaritan, give it back. And the guy's like, well, where's all the cash? You stole the cash? I'm like, no. I found the wallet as is. I'm returning it to you.

And he was threatening to call the cops on me. I found your wallet on the ground and I gave it back to you. I did nothing wrong here. Why in the world would you return his wallet if you stole the cash in it? That's exactly what my logic was thinking too. It was like, come on, man. Yeah, rage got the best of them. He wasn't quite thinking about it.

it. You were really on a run or were you just kind of walking by? I actually, there was a point of my life, believe it or not, when you see me now, you might not believe me, but I was in pretty good shape at one point. Yeah, me too. We all had something cooking there for a while. Yeah, there was a time. And it's not my fault. It's my wife's. Once my girlfriend at the time said yes to my proposal, I canceled my gym membership. That's her fault. Not mine. I trapped her. Mowing down folks has become a popular pastime.

on the East Coast as of late. In Pennsylvania, a woman's facing an attempted murder charge for plowing into her boyfriend with her car following a fight at Taco Bell. He got out of the vehicle, did the right thing. He knew the tempers were flaring. It's a tough time of year. I've said it before.

I ask everyone to take a deep breath, stay calm, walk away. The 23-year-old's been asked to turn herself in. You ever think about running somebody down, Ashley? Yeah. You're not alone. We've all thought. about it, right? We've all considered it. Uh-huh. Yeah. You just don't do it.

A Florida man was arrested for stealing mail in an apartment building while pretending to be a mailman. A performance cut short, one police caught him in delivery. Stealing mail. Yeah. What do you suppose you're going to pull out of that? Well, people are hoping for checks, maybe cash. Yeah, birthday card. Kind of thing. Yeah, but how many damn pieces of mail you think you have to sift through?

As a mail robber, how many pieces of garbage do you have to sift through before you find one $20 check from somebody's grandma. Probably a lot. This guy didn't seem like he was going to figure out how to steal an identity or anything. He was just looking for gift cards. Looking for some crack money. I think that would be fun just because I'm nosy.

I want to read other people's man. Oh, what are you doing? You should have been one of those telephone operators back in the 50s. They got to listen in on everyone's phone conference. Oh, that would have been a dream come true. I guess one of my grandmothers was notorious for that. You know, where there's pretty much one,

phone line in town and you could just pick it up and listen to anybody's conversation. I guess my grandma spent a lot of her days listening to other people's problems. Yeah. Yeah, you could do that back in the day just at your house. You know, somebody's on the phone, you pick up another one and listen to it. Oh, I loved

doing that to my brother. And then he'd be like, Ashley, are you there? I can hear you breathing. Oh, yeah, you unscrew the mouthpiece? That was my gimmick, at least. We didn't have that by the time I guess we were using house phones. That's because we had the rotary phone back in the day.

But anyway, yeah, whenever a girl would call the house to talk to my brother, I'd unscrew the mouthpiece and listen to their conversation. And I learned one thing. My brother never had any game at all. None. That's embarrassing. He was a complete sissy on the telephone when girls would call. Really?

It was embarrassing. Oh, hey, I'll see you in Jim tomorrow. He just came off like a complete, it was horrible. Officers responded to reports of 39-year-old Sean Cronin breaking into a community mailbox at the apartments. When they arrived, they detained him. Cronin was carrying burglary tools and a significant amount of mail from various other complexes. He explained to officers he was just picking up all the mail in the apartments, a claim made thinner by the absence of postal worker uniforms and the equally missing mail truck.

Police searched Cronin and found mail that didn't belong to him along with packages stuffed inside his hoodie in a blue backpack where they also found a set of pliers. You want to explain to me why you were sticking your hand in mailboxes. This is your bike? Yeah. What's in there? What's in the mail? Much of mail from what? The mailboxes that are open?

All over the place. All over the place. Wouldn't you know it, police say that explanation didn't hold up. Investigators also discovered the bicycle Cronin had been riding was reported stolen, so. Cronin will be riding the storm out straight into custody. The bicycle he was riding. That's great. You're a frigging grown man, isn't he?

Yeah, that's why I'm thinking he's not some sort of master criminal. He later admitted to officers he steals mail to sell the contents for drugs. Oh, there you go, yeah. Crack rock money, sure. An Amazon delivery driver who turned into the wrong driveway by mistake was met with a dangerous hot lead hello from a North Carolina homeowner who opened fire. Authority say 23-year-old Sidney Pittman fired a shotgun at a car

driven by Tishika Trimble, a seasonal Amazon delivery driver who pulled into his driveway late at night. Trimble had her 16-year-old son with her when she arrived at the address about 9.30 p.m. December 14th. That's nice, right? Just to blindly fire at anything

that slightly unnerves you? Unbring your teenage son to work night. She said her GPS directed her to the location and she followed it into what she believed was the correct driveway. As they pulled in, her son noticed Pittman and a woman inside the house and warned his mom not to get out of the car, but she walked up to the door anyway. He's the one that had a good head on his shoulders. Mom got a little pissy.

According to Trimble, she spoke with Pittman, realized she had the wrong address, and then returned to her vehicle. Back inside, she entered the correct location into her GPS and prepared to leave. As she shifted in the drive, a gunshot rang out. Unsure where it came from, she reached for her own firearm. Oh. But her son urged her to leave, and this time she did. Once safe, Trimble called for help.

Sheriff's deputies went to Pittman's home the following day, questioned him and took him into custody. She was willing to turn it into a full-on gunfight. Yeah, the son had to talk her down. Everybody's stupid. In the end, Trimble said she eventually was able to deliver the package to the correct address where no one opened fire. That's so strange. They had a conversation, right? and still that wasn't good enough?

I think it got heated. But yeah, she did explain, oh, I'm sorry, my GPS just took me to the wrong house. That's not good enough, Covey. A near naked nuisance went on a carjacking spree through a Georgia neighborhood wearing nothing but a tablecloth, strongly suggesting at least one Georgia dining room was robbed of its modesty as well. Police first received word Friday about a stolen vehicle being driven by a minimally dressed McKenzie call. Later that day, they noticed the vehicle, though call was nowhere to be seen. Witnesses said he fled on foot, and investigators noted signs he may have been, quote, exposed to chemicals while inside that car.

The chemicals that he may have been countered isn't immediately clear, though police body cam footage showed arriving officers wondering whether he suffered chlorine burns from an abandoned pool service truck. As officers fanned out to look for him, a string of 911 calls began coming. coming in, each describing a man wandering the area and only a tablecloth, trying the handles of several vehicles as he went. Surveillance footage captured the lawbreaker and linen moving through the neighborhood wearing glasses, a pair of blue slippers, and a beige tablecloth hanging haphazardly around his waist, dangerously close to revealing calls balls. At one point, the undressed dude wandered into an occupied home and helped himself to the keys of a Mercedes before driving off from luxury.

Oh, nice. Yes. Good find. Police soon tracked down that stolen car, initiated a traffic stop, and brought the episode to a close with call cuffed in the buff. This guy was out of his mind? Well, yeah, I'm guessing. I mean, he's running around on a tablecloth.

What was this about chlorine burns? They think maybe he got into an abandoned, or maybe I shouldn't say abandoned, but a non-occupied pool servicing vehicle. Oh, man. Ouch. I spilled some chlorine on it. I've never heard of that. I've never heard that sentence set out loud in my life.

It can happen. Several customers doing some last-minute Christmas shopping at a Panama City Hobby Lobby. They were doing this when a man ran in with an unwrapped gift, his penis. Oh, not a Hobby Lobby. A witness said the man took his clothes off outside a nearby dental office and ran into the Hobby Lobby, where it appeared his hobby was to strip in front of a crowd and grab shoppers.

Grab them? Yes. And then try to take them with him? He just kind of groped him, basically. Oh, come with me. Like a groping. Okay. He ran after me and grabbed me twice, a witness said.

Absent by any garments, the severely underdressed man, pushed past someone who was trying to shield other customers, then elbowed that person in the jaw. Was this another situation where a guy got into a van filled with chlorine? He didn't say anything about it. It's possible. I mean, it's still warm there, so maybe. All the employees yelled, run. And then I heard cops.

come in, said a second witness. I called my boyfriend and he said, grab something sharp. I said I'm in the flower department right now. Another witness said he enjoys Hobby Lobby, but uncovered anatomy reroutes him straight to Walmart. Checking out in the line over here at the Hobby Lobby, and I turned around and there was a butt-necked guy coming at us. They're trying to get the customers to check out. I was like, I just wanted to leave. I don't need my gifts anymore. I'm good. I'll get them at Walmart. While being arrested for indecent exposure, the police report, said he refused to comply. Once on the ground, he locked his left arm

under his body and refused to submit to arrest. That's fun. Eventually, officers got the man on a stretcher and brought him to a hospital for evaluation. Yeah, it's something going on. I like how that girl's boyfriend is like, stab him. He fights up that sharp and stab him. Also, actually,

I love who you said, oh, not Hobby Lobby, as if there's an acceptable place for a man to walk in with his wiener out. There are places that make more sense. And also, if they said they were like trying to check people out. Hobby Lobby is one of those places that they don't do barcodes. So they have to like type in the price for every single object they ring up. Me and the cashier were talking about this.

They do? I feel so bad for her. Yeah. I didn't know that. And so the lines are long. And I mean, you're still waiting them because Hobby Lobby is amazing. But it takes forever. So they would have been there for like an hour.

Sir, I've been there before. I didn't notice that. Oh, yeah. Huh. They must just be real fast at it, I guess. Some. Pants at a Colorado target were half off, a detail that escaped everyone working the floor that day.

A man in a black ACDC back-in-black t-shirt and little else wandered the aisles, having apparently decided pants were optional, and that proffering his penis was not against policy at the popular retailer. Man. As he moved through the story, followed several women from one section to the next. All the while, hard as a rock and touching himself inappropriately as he trailed the women through the store.

That was a touch too much for the Thunderstruck security team who called 911. After the jack, he left the store, got into a gray or silver car, and drove away, prompting a police investigation. Heart is a rock. A lot of good ACDC song puns in there. Threw a few of them in there.

That's a song, Ashley. I don't know if he really had a boner, but he was masturbating, so I'm guessing he probably did. Although you can masturbate without one. Give it a try. An accidental 911 call accidentally became an actual emergency by accident. Missouri officials say a nursing home fire that leveled the building began with a smoldering mistake sparked by an improperly extinguished cigarette butt, dropped by, of all people, the local fire chief. Oh, yeah.

Or I'm sorry, police chief. I'm an idiot. Police chief. He was responding to what turned out to be an inadverted 911 call. By the time firefighters arrived, the single-story structure was already fully involved with flames venting through the roof. Strong winds, a limited water supply, and fire racing through the attic space, complicated containment, slowing suppression as the blaze spread. Initial findings listed the cause as undetermined, largely due to extensive damage and the absence of a clear ignition point. But that assessment shifted after insurers provided security video from the night of the fire. Oh, sucks for this police chief.

Oh, I know I feel bad for the guy. He decided to have a cigarette while he was at the old folks. I bet he feels like a total dick. I can't even imagine. I think I saw footage of this on the news. Old folks home went up in flames, yeah. The footage showed the police chief arriving just before midnight, cigarette in hand. As he approached the entrance, he set it down on a planter near the front door.

Minutes later, additional video captures him returning to the planter, retrieving the cigarette and appearing to stomp it out before departing roughly 90 minutes. After that, a faint glow emerged in that plant. About an hour and a half later, video shows a small glow developing in the planter, which transitions into open flames and spreads to the building's entrance. What the hell is that guy's problem? I don't know. He's trying to be a 1940s broadcaster.

It scared me. You have a friggin' the six-pack of Red Bull before you went live, or what? I've watched one movie on how to be a broadcaster. The chief told investigators, it didn't occur to him at the time that his actions could have caused that fire, noting the cigarette brand he smoked Exeter Red Kings, or his Exeter, I guess I'm not sure, is designed to self-extinguish. No injuries were reported.

Not one injury, eh? Not one. Well, that's a miracle. Reporting live from Nashville, I'm Keith Storm. I just made that up on the fly, Keith Storm. I like that name. Sound like a TV guy? Absolutely.

Word. Like a weather guy. It'd be perfect. Yeah. A Columbus, Ohio firefighter faces charges of driving under the influence, and it was his cell phone that narked. 55-year-old Terry Irwin's phone detected a crash and automatically called 911. Despite the call, he denied to the operator that any accident occurred. Deputies dispatched to the scene found Irwin's car had crashed into a red cast iron ballard of irony.

The firefighter plowed straight into a fire hydrant. Oh, my God. Irwin took off, but authorities later located him stumbling and confused, slurring his words and carrying the unmistakable smell of something stronger than Benaka on his breath. Adding fuel to the fire, Irwin, who was bleeding from a cut on his nose, was described as belligerent during impairment tests and uncooperative while being handcuffed. Uncooperative. At the jail, they claimed he attempted to intimidate them by staring.

Stop it. I used to do that with my little brother and sister. Stare at it. You have to be kidding me. Were you pretty good when it came to a stare-down? No, I'd laugh every time. I'd smile or laugh. I couldn't do it.

The 15-year veteran of the Columbus Division of Fire is currently on administrative duty. If you believe the fastest route to becoming a millionaire runs through tireless effort and strict fiscal discipline, then you know nothing about HD fireplace fortune. True to its name, Fireplace 10 hours' 14, Apple HD offers nothing more than a single uninterrupted view of a cozy fireplace. Its flames holding steady on YouTube for 10 hours while the soft crackle of burning wood fills the background.

While most would say it hardly qualifies as the most spectacular clip ever uploaded to YouTube, somehow that modest setup has gone to generate 157 million views in under 10 years. An estimate suggests the creator has earned over $1 million from that one-vety-one. video. Wow. That's great. I do like that video. I just want to go on record and say that I wouldn't define that as a soft crackle. It's actually quite upsetting. Well, it's loud. I cranked it up. You know what I mean?

It's a little aggressive. If you watch the video, it's not because if somebody's driving, they're not going to hear it unless it's cranked up. Oh, because it kind of sounds like the house is coming right off its morning. I love turning one of those on. They have a bunch of different cool ones now. Like I like to use the Harry Potter theme. one. Oh, I didn't know they had one. Yeah, and he got a little, I'm forgetting the owl's name. Hadwick? He'dwick, something like that. Hadwick. Yeah, he's in the background, being cute and stuff. So, uh, the guy made a million dollars with that, huh, Cobby? Yeah, just for

a looping 10 hours' worth of fireplace. But, you know, I, before we had a fireplace, we used that quite a bit. With that on in the holiday. At the holiday. Oh, yeah. Did you do, like, the typical dad joke every year where you're like, oh, don't get too close to the fire. All the time. I got to grab another log. Fake warm my hands next to the TV. You put it on the television, huh? Yep. F me running.

From the Boondock Saints and the crossbowed badass Daryl on the Walking Dead, Norman Redis is 57 today. Love him. Turning 71 actor Rowan Atkinson, A.K.A. Mr. Bean, which is appropriate because it's National Bean Day today. Bean Day. And the world's oldest Twinkie turns 50. Story goes, a chemistry teacher in. Maine opened it in 1976 after a student asked how long they'd last, and it's been sitting in a glass case of emotion at the school for decades.

The official shelf life of a Twinkie back then was only 26 days. Hostess says it's up to 45 days now, thanks to better packaging. Boy, aren't they delicious? That was always the myth, though, right, that they last forever. They could survive like a nuclear bomb or something like that. Cockroaches and Twinkies, that's all that's left. Happy 22nd to current masturbator. to be Aviator Jesus.

Happiest to birthdays to Maverick. Oh, you know what? I forgot a couple things coming out today. I'll get back to those. High potential and the rookie return tonight on ABC. If you're in the mood for a night on the couch, get to the popcorn, Papa. Predators Badlands is now available on demand. And one more.

What was said to be the Stranger Things series finale aired on New Year's Eve, but there may actually be more to come. There's a theory going on where episode eight It wasn't the real final battle, so it's possible the true finale could be released tomorrow. What? That would be so sick. Should that not happen, however, the Netflix Stranger Things documentary, One Last Adventure, The Making of Stranger Things Five, premieres next Monday.

I didn't know you watched, Ashley. Yeah, I mean, there's a season or two in the middle. I kind of fell off, but I watched the last one, a little bit of the season before that. but this past season was great. It was weird, though, because me and my folks were talking about it when I was over at their house, so they turned it on and they're in like season two. So the kids are still really young. And it's crazy to think, like, that much time has passed and that they've grown up so much.

It's very unsettling. Willie Bobby Brown's got a kid now. I know. I've gotten married twice since Ranger Things has come out, Ashley. Is that true? Same here. Oh, yeah, look at us. So back to Maverick.

Happy birthday to you. he's a big strong guy, says vacation Jesus. And happy birthday to the lovely longtime sisterhood member vertically challenged Jesus turning 47. And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver. On the half-assed morning show. The Las Vegas Raiders fire head coach Pete Carroll. The Cleveland Browns fire head coach Kevin Stetsky.

The Atlanta Falcons fire Raheen Morris. The Arizona Cardinals fired Jonathan Gannon. You suck. The New York Giants fired Brian Dabbled. And the Tennessee Titans fired Brian Callahan. Come on in here, ass man. How you doing, brother? I'm good.

How are you? NFL coaches getting gassed all over the league. Black Monday. Poor bastards, huh? Well, I mean... They're shuffle around and... They're... They're paid handsomely and they will be just five.

The Raiders are going to be paying off five different head coaches this year. Wow. X head coaches. They have five coaches they're paying off on their books this year. The old Bobby Benilla type of a thing where you fire the guy but you're still paying them for a handful of years. That's incredible. In Bobby Benia's case, what was it, 35 years? under contract 50 years?

They spread out the remainder of his contract over X amount of time and it turned out to be Bobby Bonilla Day in June or whenever it was. It lasted almost 25 years. NFL coaches getting fired up and down this way and that.

You know, Tom Brady's in charge of the Raiders basically so we'll see what the Raiders end up doing. A lot of conversation that Brian Flores is the number one candidate for the Raiders job. Right. Brian Flores, the current defensive coordinator of the Minnesota Vikings.

And honestly deserves another opportunity to be a head coach. Oh, yeah? I thought when he was in coaching, I thought the story was when he was coaching in Miami, the guy was a total train wreck. He was in some ways. There was a lot of communication difficulties. Who cares? I think he's growing up a lot since then matured a lot.

And I think the job he's done in Minnesota. I mean, let's be honest, the defense, the player, the talent on the defensive side was good, not great. But somehow they're fabulous because of the schemes and the decisions that Flores made as a coordinator. Let's keep talking about coaching here for a minute. This is fun. And I think you'll find this to be cute. Total wing nut Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell was asked to grade himself on his performance this season. And his answer, he upped and said, not so good.

I give myself a freaking F. On the way up, we're going to buy the kneecap off. Isn't he the type of guy? Doesn't he look like the type of guy that would say freaking? Yeah. And I imagine the veins in his neck expanded to twice their normal size. when he said, freaking, he ain't all there, is he? He's an emotional guy.

I think he's all there. You know, he did two jobs there for like half the season, head coach, and then he took over the offensive coordinator duties, which obviously didn't go as well as planned for Detroit. They have all that talent on the offensive side. Their offensive line was so banged up and just not very good this year. That was a lot of the issues. Some football fans in Ohio want the Cleveland Browns to hire Dion Sanders as their new head coach.

Really? What did I say? No. Father and son together? I didn't even get through the entire. Not going to happen. Honestly, just the name Dion Sanders right now just kind of irks me. Some football fans in Ohio want the Cleveland Browns to hire Dion Sanders as their new head coach so he can coach his kid, Shadour Sanders.

who's the current quarterback? And what good would that do for the Browns? It didn't even really work for them in college. How does it get any worse for the Browns? You know, the Browns drafted two quarterbacks in the draft last year, and they may turn around and draft another one this year, which would be insane. You got a problem with this, Josh, with this Dion Sanders coach in the year?

I'm not a Browns fan. I'd love to see this happen. Me too. Go ahead, D.I.E. on. I bet that'll provide for some fun content in the future. Yeah. Just watching him getting grounded, you know, or spank on the sideline or some TV privileges taken away.

I mean, yeah, if Bronny and what's Bronny's dad's name? LeBron. If those two can do it. All-time great quarterback Cam Newton says he's up for a head coaching gig in the National Football League. Well, you got talent like Jamar Chase. You got talent like a Joe Borough. When you got talent like a T. Higgins, those guys don't really need exceptional coaching.

Wait, so good coaches? Is it not Jimmy's and Joe's, not the X's and O's? No. Come on. Now, when you got great players like that, bro, it's not hard. Trust me, if I can go do that, Mr. Braille. I suppose you got a problem with that, too. Why is he yelling?

Maybe they have garbage. They're always yelling. We have to yell here, too, because our microphones barely work. Yeah, they are pretty bad now. Maybe they have garbage microphones on that show. It does seem like a lot of those shows, they do yell a lot. A lot of sports shows. I call them shouty shows.

All they do. And then they talk over each other constantly. It's hard to hear what's going on. For some reason, Cam Newton was talking about the possibility of how things would go if he was coaching the Cincinnati Bengals. Well, he's not going to get that chance because Zach Taylor was given the vote of confidence and we'll be back next year. Yes, but does Zach Taylor, whoever that is, does Zach Taylor, whoever that is, does Zach? Jack Taylor know that it's not about the X's and O's, it's about the Jimmy's and Joe's. Well, I'm assuming he does.

I bet he doesn't. I'll bet he does. Cam Newton has said he'll go ahead and coach a football team if he's asked. He really wants back in. I mean, he's been saying he'll do anything pretty much. Sounds like he'll work a grounds crew. He doesn't matter. He wants to be a part of it.

He'll sell beers, whatever. I think he was offended when Philip Rivers was called back to play. Yes, he was. Oh, him. Yes, he was. Vocal about that. Speaking of Phil Rivers. He wants to coach.

I don't know why he would want the coach in the NFL. You know why. Think about it for two seconds. We've covered why. Why? So he doesn't have to be around his 12 kids? Yes. Good Lord.

Yes. Exactly. Yeah, he made a mistake and now he's trying to fix it. He made a lot of them. A mistake? All right. I got a. find that Malcolm in the middle clip.

Which one's that? Or Hal finds out that his wife's pregnant. The screaming? Yeah. This was, I'm so glad that you have this clip somewheres. Because, again, I just got turned on to Malcolm in the middle a handful of years ago because Josh kept pushing it on me.

And it turned out to be one of my favorite sitcoms ever. I don't get around to it as often as I'd like. But it was a couple years ago on watching this episode. I could not believe how hilarious this scene was where Hal the dad finds out that he and Lois, the wife, are going to have another baby. And they've already got what? Four? Right.

They've got four. Four boys. And Hal around his wife, he's playing it cool. We'll make it work. The wife is totally stressed about being pregnant again. Oh, my God, we can't afford this. Hal is like, no, no, no. we'll survive like we always do, hon.

I'm going to run out and get some ice cream. He goes and gets in his car. He thinks he's alone in the car. But Malcolm is sleeping in the back of the car. Because I think the house is so crowded already. Malcolm needed a place to get some sleep. He's sleeping in the... Dad doesn't see him back there,

and dad has an enormous meltdown over the realization that they're having another child. When I watched this scene, I could not believe how hilarious it was. Everything is going to be able. Okay. We'll find a way. We always do. Promise.

Brian Cranston's one of the all-time TV dads. Yep. So good. It's better. Malcolm's face. I wish you could see the look on Malcolm's face. It's so good. That's what makes the scene

is the look of pure confusion and terror on Malcolm's face because he has no idea why his father is having this lunatic meltdown. Thank you, Josh, for introducing me to that television program. Oh, it's so good. Did anybody catch the, they released a little bit of a teaser trailer for the new Malcolm in the middle season?

No. The hook is it's all these years later. And Malcolm had had enough with the family, the chaos. And he kind of just distanced himself. But he's getting married and they all try to come back and want to be back in his life and be a part of the wedding. And obviously the chaos from the original show ensues once again. Yeah, looking forward to it.

too. It's four episodes, so I think they're not overdoing it. I think it could be pretty good. Ginger Machine, Jesus. No, it was not Dewey in the backseat. It was Malcolm. I've watched that scene 750 times. Thank you for trying to help us, Ginger Machine, but it was absolutely Malcolm in the back seat. So back to, we were talking quarterbacks and this and that, despite pulling sexual pervert Phil Rivers out of the old folks home to play some quarterback, The Indianapolis Colts, as we all know, still missed a playoff. I didn't realize things had gone off the rails so terribly for the Colts. It says here they're the first NFL club in history to end a season with seven straight losses.

That blows. That sucks. Well, they started the season. I believe they were eight and two and finished eight and nine. Yep. That's insane. Everything went to hell when Indiana Jones heard himself. Their regular starting quarterback, Indiana Jones.

Oh, yeah, Miami Dolphins quarterback, Tua, Tayaovaloa. Taga Vala. Taga Viala. Right. Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua is all done playing down there. He was benched for the last three or four ball games of the season. He told reporters that a fresh start in a new town next season would be, quote, dope. No.

Why don't the Vikings give Tua? telephone call. They might. I saw he was on a list of possibilities. They might. And they're going to call Karen, too, right? They're better. He was also on the list. And they're going to call Joe Flacco, right? I didn't see Joe Flacco on the list. Joe Flacco wants to play next year.

I saw Joe Burrow on that list. Joe Burrow is not coming here. Joe Burrow. This is not Kirk Cousins on that list. Joe Burrow might have had. I'm going to ignore what they just said. There might have been a slight shot if Zach Taylor wasn't coming back to coach

Cincinnati. But now that Taylor's back, Joe Burroughs not going anywhere. There are a few folks out there that are already saying, put it on the board, crown them. Crown them. The Seattle C Ducks will represent the national football conference in the Super Bowl. I don't think so. They're saying, don't even bother.

Crown them. And here's why. the sea ducks have advanced to the Super Bowl each of the last two times a new Pope was elected I love the fans like these yeah that's a fun stat cubby tells me in 2005 a new Pope was elected the ducks won 13 games in advance to the Super Bowl 2013 a new Pope was elected the ducks won 13 games advanced to the Super Bowl and they won that some bitch and here we are in the year 20 25-6, a new Pope was elected. The Ducks won 14 ball games, Cubby says, and here we go. Randy Shaver, you degenerate you.

Oh, man. You know what I'm saying, right, when I call you a degenerate? I understand what you're saying. With the gambling? I understand. The sports gambling? I understand. I don't bet. Each time it seems like he doesn't understand. He understands less and less and less. I don't bet on ball games anymore. I don't know you ever really did. That's your problem.

Back in the day. Like back before it was all legal and all these. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. But damn, there's a lot of monies to be made out there. Here are some of the good and the bad from sports betting last year. Somebody wrote something up for the Internet on some of the good, bad, and by damn ugly from sports betting last year, 20 and 25.

Okay. Here's a guy. Put down $25,000 in Las Vegas at 100 to one odds that the Las Vegas Raiders would win the Super Bowl. Lighten your money on fire. Yeah, I would not have even thought that. The Raiders fell short of that. Yeah, you think?

Well, there's still a chance. And, you know, part of this stuff doesn't really thrill me because these are just, in some cases, it's just rich douchebags spending wild amounts of money because they can. Just getting their kicks. Right. You know. I mean, it's not unheard of for NFL teams that we saw it this year that were so bad one year and turn it around to be, look at the Patriots. Sure. What they did this year.

I mean, the Bears. it's not unheard of for those teams, for that to happen in the NFL. But the Raiders are so far the one way that the holes they have to fill are so enormous right now that there's just no way that they're even in that conversation. This stuff would be so much more entertaining if I knew the background on the better. You know? Sure. This guy put down 25.

Maybe he's a Vegas fan. Right, he put down 25 grand. I want to know what he had in the bank to start with. That would make it that much more interesting. But, of course, that information is impossible. But this guy, okay, put down 25 grand on the Raiders to win the Super Bowl 100 to 1. My guess is he's a rich douche. He just paid for a BJ in Vegas, right?

He's drunk. Doesn't make it as exciting, but here's a guy or a gal, I can't be sure. Paste to Pace. What were the odds, Nick? What odds? I mean, if put down 25,000... 100 to 1, I said a couple of times. 100 to 1, sorry.

That's okay. These were also 100 to 1 odds. An individual put a $1 bet on Indiana Hoosier's quarterback Fernando Mendoza to win the Heisman trophy. Wow. Wow. Wought away with $100,000. Wow.

Nice. That's a good one. He's going to be the number one pick. He's going to Vegas. A better in Arizona placed three, large bets on this year's winner of the college football playoff. Three large bets. He put $300,000 on Texas, $200,000 on Penn State, and $15,000 on Clemson.

Oh, my God. None of them made the playoff. Jeez. Well, the four teams that did make the playoffs, that would have been super difficult for anyone to have guessed that those four teams. were the teams that would be in the semifinals. Right. What are we doing? Mississippi, Miami, Indiana, whom am I missing?

Oregon. Oregon. Oregon probably would have been one that people would have said yes. But Indiana, not really, no. We're talking about some of the more interesting bets that were made last year. Last summer entering the college football season, North Carolina, with their first year head coach, Bill Belichick, had a track. the same amount of money and bets to win the national championship as Indiana.

Did you follow what I just said that? Yep, yep. They had the same amount of bets, same amount of money to win the national championship as Indiana. The Hoosiers finished, as you know, the number one overall undefeated this and that. Bill Belichick's Tar Heels went four and eight. Yeah, that's one of those tickets they ripped up after about week three. Yep. A $5.15 leg parlay.

Now this is what I dig because I think it's safe to assume this is just an average schmuck. Yeah. A $5.15 leg parlay. Dude picked the winner of all 15 big league baseball games he bet on that day. Wow. That's tough to do. One $125,000. Wow.

That's really hard to do. Almost impossible to do. Right. This has got to be almost as impossible. Well, I guess not because less bets. This was a 10-cent parlay that got turned into $7,000. A dude successfully predicted the player to score the first touchdown in five separate NFL games. Ten cents turns into seven grand. I didn't know you could bet ten cents.

I didn't know that either. Oh, all right. Why do I always feel like the pigs never have much luck with the Los Angeles Kings? And I'm not just talking about the last couple of games. I'm talking about in the history. I don't have any numbers to back that up. It's just a vibe that I get. It seems as if the L.A. Kings tend to handle the pigs at every turn.

The Kings got the 3-2 win last night. 4-2 was the final, if you count chicken dick, empty net goals. You know who scored for the Kings? friggin Fogel You know, the kids Hockey mind The Super Bad movie Fogel?

Oh, McLevin? They let friggin' fogal score last night. State of hockey mind. He's an Oregon donor He's an Oregon donor from Hawaii. You'd think these jokes would work at one point.

I couldn't remember his real name. It's the state of hockey. The state of hockey. The kings of a player named Warren Fogel In the movie, Super Bad. They make fun of the kid named Fogel. What is this now?

January, by the end of the hockey season, I want to see some of these jokes landing. Darcy Kemper, former Pigs goalie. He stopped 33 shots for the Kings. So, you know, the boys put some shots on net in the process last night. Up next, they wrap up this year's seven-game road orgy with a game against a completely unnecessary on Thursday night. Karma, camera is your boyfriend.

That's right, Marcus. What was that? Karma is your boyfriend. Karma is your boyfriend. Karma is your boyfriend, Marcus Felino. Oh, he couldn't join us. When does he normally join us? He would have been on today, or tomorrow.

Tomorrow, but. West Coast trip. Yeah, he told us to kiss his ass on that West Coast idea. Yeah, don't blame him. Now, here in town, everybody and their mother would probably dump an H.J. On that Quinn Hughes kid, if he asked him to, right? Yeah. The whole town is uncorked right now about what that kid can do for the pigs from here on out.

Nobody even cares and he looks exactly like Booger from Avenger the Nerds. He can do no wrong around here. Josh, did you see? Now, this Quinn Hughes, he's got two brothers playing for the New Jersey Devils. One by the name of Luke. You got there by the name of Jack. Jack. Did we put this video on our website what Luke Hughes came up with a couple nights ago?

I think we did. Did you see this? Luke Hughes, holy balls, did he have a bad night against a Carolina hurricane a couple nights ago? That dude couldn't get laid in Jersey with a $100 bill hanging out of his zipper right now. Luke Hughes scored two goals into his own net in a matter of a period and a half. I feel so bad.

How did he do that? And he just got back when he was injured for a while. And in front of the home crowd, no less, who booed the hell out of him. I'll tell you how, Randy Schaber. On the first, he was out front his own net, keeping an eye on a Carolina forward. A shot came in on net,

and as Luke tried to play the puck away from his net, he instead just popped it right past his netminder. That one was somewhat understandable. So a deflection is what you're saying. Off the goalie. I mean, it did play directly to the blade of his stick. So, you know, that's a bang, bang type of a situation. every hockey player's done it.

Part of the problem is those bamboo rod-type sticks they use these days. There's so much spring in those sticks that the puck can bounce off the blade like a frigging racket ball if you're not careful. So anyways, he effed the dog on that one. The crowd turns on him. His goalie gave him a pat on the ass and said, keep your head up, bro. It happens, right? That won't happen again. Won't happen again.

Don't worry about it. Little did they know the fun was only beginning for this Luke Hughes kid. his second own goal, as some folks would call it an own goal, was mesmerizing it was so damn dumb. For no good reason, where the Carolina player pressuring him, Hughes decided to stick handle directly in front of his own net with many options at his disposal. The forward that was harassing him was the only hurricane on the forecheck. The rest of them were changing lines. Hughes had a teammate off to his right. He could have dumped the puck over to that guy.

It was just awful. Instead, he attempted like this hairpin turn in front of his. his own net. The Carolina forward pushes the puck off his stick into the net. His goalie was not as forgiving this time around. The eyeballing that he got from his goalie was hilarious. You've got to see the look his goaltender gives him after he does his cute little stick handling move in front of the net and the puck goes in to the goal. I can relate really well to this story because there was a time in, I think it was eighth grade in a soccer game where I put two in my own net. And the first one wasn't my fault. It's a deflection kind of like what happened here.

The second one was blatantly my fault. And our goalie desperately tried to save it. He's laying on the ground. And he just kind of rolls and looks at me. He goes, you got to stop doing that, man. Yeah. It was great. Like, you got to stop doing that. You both look bad. Yeah. Have you ever seen that in a youth game where somebody's going the wrong way? Oh, that's, that's tough. Parents are yelling. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, go the other way. Poor kid. If you get a chance, so the video's on our website or not? Yes.

You get a chance, look at the facial expression that Luke Hughes' goaltender gives him after his second own goal of the game. The goalie's thinking, you got the whole rink to show off your stick handling skills. You decided to do it in my crease? He's not getting treated too well there, that's for sure. By the way, our all-knowing listening audience, the mighty brother and sisterhood, Nothing gets past them. I was saying earlier, it seems to me

that the Los Angeles Kings always seem to have the pigs number. Here's what I've been sent. It's not as bad as I thought. It says the pigs are 44, 40, 40, and 5 against the Kings all time. That's about even. Damn near.

I told you about those damn Swedes. Oh, yeah. Big, loud-talking, stubborn-ass Swedes beat someone called Chechia to win their third ever World Junior Hockey title. Randy Schaber, Canada won the third place game. They did.

They did. Wow. Did we give away tickets? Couldn't get them. The radio's not what it used to be. No. We used to be able to hand out third place tickets. Can't do it anymore.

If you guys watched the game, it was entertaining. Absolutely not. A lot of hot ladies in the crowd. Hot ladies. Was the place full or was it half full? It was kind of tough to tell. You know, kind of like at wrestling events where they'll show the full parts. States were down?

It looked like it was full. It certainly looked like, but I couldn't tell you. I didn't see any upper deck. I bet a lot of people bought tickets in advance thinking the U.S. would be in the final. Oh, I'm sure. Well, I think you also had to buy them in, like, packets, right, so that. Well, we bought individual tickets. Oh, you did.

Yeah. So I don't know, because it was on like the secondhand market, so maybe that's different. Cobby, if anybody else was playing Chechia or whatever they are in the final, final, if any other country was playing Chechia, I would have watched a. that game. But I'm not going to give those friggin Swedes what they want, which is attention. I'm not going to give them what they want. Yeah,

they look like they wanted it last night. That's for sure. The wolves are at home the night to play the Miami heats. The wolves beat Miami just a few days ago. I think you can find that some bitch on Peacock or the local setup. What do we call

the local set up? It's actually on NBC tonight. Yeah, it's a national. It's on Channel 11. Oh, I got it all wrong. I'll find it. Yeah, it's a national game today. Tell us more about these hot ladies in the stands at the hockey game. A lot of the Swedes.

I mean, really, I'm sorry to say it. Oh, for Christ. Try looking for attention, like you said. But, yeah, they kept panning the crowds. And, you know, the cameraman seemed to focus on the same type of person. Funny how they find them. One of my favorite stories about hot ladies at the hockey rink comes from our old bro, the Clayboy. Clay Matt Fick.

Maybe he's listening right now. Maybe he could call if he wants to join. Clay had a funny story. Back in the early days of the man bear pigs, Clay was the schmuck that would walk around the rink and do little interviews. Interviews and information in between whistles. You know what I'm talking about?

Like the Kevin Gorg that he does now. Right. Thank you. Yeah. And he said this was like a Monday night in Calgary. And, you know, early days of the pigs wasn't exactly the most thrilling brand of hockey. Jacques Lemaire, like the win games, won nothing. So, you know, at times Clay felt responsible. And his producer and his earpiece, you know, would tell him, hey, find something good to talk about. Oh, I just got a text from Clay.

He says, I'm going into the doctor's office right now. What's he say? Going to the doctor's appointment. I can't come on the air. Hmm. We should catch up with him soon, though. It's always fun. He says he's a funny guy.

We probably have about two and a half, maybe three months, he says. Oh, come on. Shoot, we're busy. Yeah, we're booked out until September. We'd love to be able to talk to him, but we just don't have the time. He says, I got six to eight weeks at best. He will be missed. One of the best for sure.

Yeah, we'll miss you, Clay. Maybe he's walking around the rink doing his, you know, mid-period reports and what. not and there's not much going on with the game and somebody nudges him and says hey miss nude Canada is sitting in the stands watching the flames and the pigs i'm intrigued miss nude canada so he says ah what the hell so in between periods uh mike green lay and whoever uh they say let's uh go to clay in the stands he's got uh something going on and clay's like hey here i am with miss nude Canada they have a conversation and then Clay comes back to the States, you know, after the road trip was over, and he got in trouble for that.

Oh, really? He got yelled at for interviewing Miss Nude Canada, said that wasn't proper for a televised hockey game. I guarantee that it was more entertaining than the game itself. Especially in Calgary. Right. Your average swinging D back here in town watching the game, I bet they want to see an interview with Miss Nude Canada. Find out all about Miss Nude Canada. Didn't your Canadian girlfriend? Wasn't she in the top?

Five or so. What do they call it? They call it the semifinals or whatever of Miss Newt. She made Miss March. Miss March. Miss March. In the calendar. They put out a calendar. Oh, I didn't know they.

Oh. The Atlanta Hawks are looking to trade their point guard, Randy Schaver, Tray Young. Yeah. Good luck. He's hurt all the time. Now, these aren't my words. These are the words of some dude in New York City. The dude said, Tray Young looks like my dad's penis.

You think the wolves might send? I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay. Brang gas. He's hurt all the time. He is hurt. And he doesn't play defense.

He does not do that either. He is a cone. He doesn't play defense. He's a cone. I tell you what, they miss so badly on Nikiel Alexander Walker, who's having such a great year in Atlanta. This is why Tray Young's available. It's because Alexander Walker is having such a tremendous

season. Oh, yeah. It's too bad because imagine if the wolves have found a way to keep him and have him he wouldn't even, he'd be starting for them. I agree. I miss Nikiel

Alexander Walker. He was a great player. I'm happy he's having success in Atlanta, but I wish he was still here. This is cool. The Charlotte Hornets beat the Oklahoma City Thunder by 27 months last night. And it was a home. game for the Thunders.

It was. That's really cool. It's the Thunder's second loss in a row. Whoever the Charlotte Hornets are, I'd like to buy those spellers of Steve Weiser. Yeah. Dig that. They dominated them and they outscore, they doubled them up in the second quarter last night and just crushed them.

I love it. In that basketball game. And this is a team that's 10 games under 500. So it just goes to. show you when NBA teams really want to play, they can play. You know, you don't always get the best efforts all the time. But Charlotte's got some good players. This Connipple that played college basketball for his what?

I don't remember who Con played for. Neither do I. Was it Duke? It might have been Duke. Yeah, he played for Duke. His last name, Ashley, is Caniple. Con Cinnacle. He's really having a nice year.

as a rookie. It's a terrible name. He's got to be one of the rookie of the year candidates. I'm glad he's doing well. Settle down. Well, it's unfortunate that a kid's running around on television every night, and his name is Cinnipple. Yeah.

And his first name is Cahn. The old Starter. I'm trying to show sympathy to the kid, Rain. Oklahoma City was 25 and 2 until the Chris Finch pant wedding. According to a list, What was that? During the holidays. Oh, yeah, when he went nuts because of a, and got ejected. I was at the game. It was beautiful.

Chris Finch filled his pants with feces and urine, had a total meltdown on the referees. Since then, the Oklahoma City Thunders are five and five. A listener texted in to say that Chris Finch saved basketball. I'd be curious to know how the free throw totally. what the free throw totals are for Shea Gillis post ejection of the coach because he was arguing that they never get called for fouls. Right, right. Yeah, I used to go see this matchup in person every winter for many years.

Golden Gopher hoops at home versus the effing Iowegians tonight. From the most game, and go-go over Big Ten Network. It's on the big game. Big game. beat those friggin disgusting Iwo-Eagians. Iowa was ranked in the top 20. Who the hell asked for this? The Major League Baseball Network is celebrating Show High Day,

a full day's worth of programming in honor of Los Angeles Dodgers baseball players, Show High Otani. It starts tomorrow at 8 a.m. A whole day? A whole day. Well, I won't be coming in then. You're going to tune in, huh? Yeah, I've got to watch it all.

I've never heard of Show High Day. all day tomorrow on Major League Baseball Network starting at 8 o'clock in the morning. It'll be nothing but stories about him. Just him blasting dingers and making bad bets? Yep. He didn't do that. Making shady bets.

All right. Again, here come those Winter Olympics, Randy Shaver. Yep. Yay, I love the Winter Olympics. Yay, she says. A lot of Minnesotans love the Winter Olympics. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because they do gymnastics, right?

No. No? That's summer. Oh, really? Darn it. That's like my favorite part. Does that change everything? I love the track and field of the winter.

No, no. No, yeah, I really like the snowboarding. I like that they get in like that sled and go super fast. The bobsled? They get in a sled, they go super fast. I think Minnesota viewership for the Olympics is higher than. in any other state in the country. According to a website, I'll go along with that.

According to a website called Bro Bible, these are the 10 best events coming up at the Winter Olympics, all right? They say when these events pop up on your television, just open up your pants. Because you're going to need the extra room. You're going to need the extra space. I don't think this is in any particular order.

No, I don't think so. Ice hockey. All right. Yeah. Downhill skiing slash alpine skiing. That's impressive. They go fast. Yeah.

Yeah, they do. And just like back and forth, back and forth. Those hills are awful steep. Yeah. Snowboarding. Yep. It's always fun. I don't know if you folks were aware of this,

but the origins of snowboarding have been traced back to an engineer in Muskegon, Michigan by the name of Shoeblood. Sherm Poppin, who invented the world's first snowboard. All of that sounds made up. In 1965, he made it as a toy for his daughters. So we're going after Sharm now? The last name for sure. We're not buying it?

He's out there, Shirm popping. Sounds like a snowboard trick move. Right. Here's one on the list of, what did I call it again, the 10 best events coming up at the... Which require us taking our pants off? Yeah. Curling.

I don't get the curling thing. Oh, I like watching curling. Boring as hell. And the first time I saw it when I was younger, I was like, that looks incredibly easy. I remember thinking, how do you get into this? And like I looked at the time, whatever the team was for Minnesota or maybe some other,

or for America, not Minnesota. But I think there were some people from Minnesota. But it was just like these people that got together one day and decided, yeah, let's build a curling team. Because we didn't have many curling teams. That sounds made up like the Sharm story. Have you ever tried curling, Ashley? Yeah. And that's what I was going to say is it's actually incredibly difficult.

It's incredibly difficult. I don't get why it's so popular on television. I reach for the remote faster than you can say, I got to take a time out here. One of my wise out of bros just texted me. going back to we were talking golden gopher basketball as a game the night

against the frigging filthy Iowegians, right? Mm-hmm. So my Wysetta bro, Josh, just texted me and he said a guy on his job site just said out loud, I'm sick and tired of that yuppie, why's that a bastard

ripping Iowa? Pretty. Yuppie. Yuppie. Yuppie. When I think Nick, I think yuppie. Typical Iwoijian flying off at the handle, getting all aggravated.

That's awesome. Sick and tired of that. Why is that a yuppie bastard ripping Iowa? Thanks for the text, Mike. That's hilarious. Yuppie. Yeah, when people ask, like, what are Nick and Josh like? I say, oh, Nick's pretty yuppie.

Yeah, come to my childhood home. If you think yuppie at any moment. Oh, yeah, the most exciting sports at the Winter Olympics, according to the Bro Bible people. Biathlon, they cross-country ski, then they break out some firearms, if I'm not mistaken, in the biathlon. I think so.

Who came up with that idea? I don't know, but it's awesome. Rambo? I think Rambo did. We certainly know how to fire weapons in America. Do we ski well enough to meddle in this event? I don't know. Ski jumping, they go down a hill, Josh,

and then they hit a terrifying jump and they fall as far as they can before touching the ground. Ski jumping. I've been on the top of a ski jump before. It's quite scary. Yeah. I'd be nervous up there. But when you're standing at the bottom of it, it's not your, I was surprised at least that it's not up as high as I assumed it was. But it's just the grade of the hill is so steep that it looks terrifying.

I wouldn't want to launch my sad carcass off of that speed skating. Yes. Bob Sled slash skeleton. Yeah, both of those two are fun, but only fun when they crash. That's what it's fun to see. They get up to like 95 miles an hour. They're hauling. Yeah, I mean, on one side, you're like, oh, I hope like a crash happens.

But then on the other side, you're like, well, it does. Like, chances are it's not going to turn out very pretty. I just like when one speed skater falls and just takes everybody down with them. Yes, that is fun. Speed skater wipe. That's like the slippery stairs. Yeah, exactly. Is there another name for it?

It should be an Olympic sport, by the way. The first time I watched it, I thought, how could this possibly, be entertaining and then I saw and it's very entertaining. You're glued. Yeah, speed skating wipeouts, bob sled, skeleton wipeouts. Yeah, they go fast as balls

and they could, you know, I suppose they crash hard enough. They could be killed. So that's where the fun kicks in, right, Ashley? Totally. Wasn't there some celebrity that just got into doing the skeleton? Herschel Walker. I'm kidding.

I'm going back. That was a story from 35 years ago. Herschel Walker. Use the bobsled. Bob Sled team. I don't know who you're talking about. A celebrity who got involved in... Yeah, or like a famous athlete.

We talked about it not too long ago, maybe like a month ago. In the skeleton? Was it Flavor Flav? Yeah, yes. Flav. I think he supports the team. Yeah, he's the hype man. Yeah.

Right. Yeah, he's not manning the ship. No, no, no. He went down the thing. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh, cool. I didn't know that. We talked about this. He jumped on a skeleton thing, and he went all the way down the track.

That's impressive. Right there with the Olympic folks. And if I remember right, the coach of the skeleton team said he was embarrassed or some word like that because of how well Flava Flav did on his very first try. Yeah, they said he got up to 66, you know, so that's pretty quick. He probably only weighs 66 pounds. He said he's an adrenaline junkie and he loves that kind of stuff. All right.

Here are the other two exciting sports in... the Winter Olympics. These are the ones you should look forward to. Figure skating doubles. They toss each other up and down. And free style skiing. They got the half pipes and whatnot. They got the aerials.

They got the moguls. They got the big air. They got the Mohawks and the nipple rings. If I'm on a set of skis and I'm going to be whipping back and forth on a moa, what do you call it, Josh, a half pipe? I think I'm going to remove my nipple ring. I do. That should be a requirement.

I hope they all take out their nipple rings before they... Yeah, that would hurt. Yeah. Oh, man. I made the I Norwegians mad again. Good for you. Oh, yeah. Someone texted in to say that Flava Flav also tried synchronized swimming,

but he didn't quite have a handle on that. That looks very difficult. He didn't have quite the handle on synchronized swimming. Boom. Bo-Dump, bo-d-d-ump, right? And they all, that's a summer thing. Sadly, that's fun to all. Randy Schaber, do you remember the old classic Saturday Night Live bit?

Yes, the synchronized movie. Oh, my God. It's so funny. That's like 50 years old, and I still think about it anytime anyone. I think it was part of Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I think that's what I said. Harry Shearer and the funniest man that ever lived, Martin Short. If you're a young person and you don't look.

Very, very funny. it up. Synchronized swimming SNL bit Harry Shearer Martin Short. You won't regret it. No. Especially when they interview Martin Short. I love him. He's supposed to be representing the United States in synchronized

swimming and he looks into the camera and he says I'm not a strong swimmer. So there you go. All right. Hey, can I do a quick shout out this morning? Yes. Yes. A quick shout out to the late great Sid Hartman. He was chosen to be part of the National Sports Media Association Hall of Fame yesterday.

Of course, Sid died five years ago at the age of 100. But he joins James Brown, who works for CBS, the late great Greg Gumble, and Adrian Wurginowski. They're being inducted into the National Sports Media Hall of Fame this summer. So congratulations to Sid's family and to Sid. the late great Sid Hartman, still being honored all these years later for 75 years as a columnist with the Minneapolis Star Tribune. That is amazing. Local reporter and the pride of Blaine, John Krasinski, posted about that on Twitter. And he said, he goes, I can just hear Sid right now saying, what took you so effing long?

I could hear that too. I just hope that Clay Matvick gets the same recognition after he passes. And you said that's going to be. be relatively soon. He texted me and said, I'm off to the doctor's office. He's so young. He's handsome. They gave me a week.

Oh, it's even worse. It's snowballing. It's gotten worse since he got to the... We'll talk to you later, Randy Schaber. See ya. We'll be back before you know it, for Christ's sake. The 93-Hags Half-Ast morning show. What's going on, podcast, Pimps?

Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early. I already got my AC tuned up for summer, and I think you should too. An AC tune-up means better efficiency, fewer breakdowns, and peace of mind before we get choke-slammed with heat. And right now, it's their early bird special. $45 off an AC-tune-up or $90 and you add your furnace in as well. Smart folks like me don't wait for the first 80-degree day. We plan ahead.

Book by May 25th and check it off your list at standardheating.com. Providing the comfort you deserves since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits

for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-L-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-L-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E-L-E. And it spells relief for you. Action.

Next role with Vernon Davis. I'm your host Vernon Davis. Okay, y'all, thank you. Thank you. That's my... Today we have... Dietrich Wives. Through my example, on the field, off the field, during game day and practice,

that was one way that I led because then led to success. Next role isn't about what's next. It's about why they do it. My man, Bobby Bones. Like, I've had a lot of stuff happen, bad and good. And so I don't have any fear of mixing it up. That's powerful, man. Next role with Vernon Davis.

Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Half-assed morning show. 93X. It is hotter than six. Satan's cock chair in this pig right now. Are you going to be all right? It is so hot. God and baby Jesus help me through this misery to quote the jerky boys.

No one else is feeling this insane, intense. There's another word, like crippling heat. No. Maybe you're going through manipause. Is your blood pressure high? Usually you're the cold one. I'm always cold and now I'm hot. there you go. Welcome back to the 93X

Half Fast Morning Show. Here we are. Working. Just like you are. Just trying to make a damn living. You like your job, Covey? I do. Very much so. What's missing? Would you like to make some more money? Are they paying you well enough? Yeah, I'm fine. Sure, wouldn't mind more money,

but I'm not going to pay the bills. The only thing that's missing around here is I wish we had some better equipment. That'd be pretty nice. I wish we had like a little cafe. By the way, if you want to know, It would be nice, get a nice little muffin in the morning, hot latte. Well, we have a new refrigerator. We do.

If you want to know what we all individually make, there are some people on Reddit who know the answer. Yeah. Oh, are you serious? That's great. You guys are rich. Yes, we are very wealthy. Whatever they said, it's twice as much. And if you want to learn about my divorce, you can go find the divorce records on Reddit as well.

All sorts of great information. Good friends on Reddit, it sounds like. Josh, is it one of those deals, Josh, where you enjoy your job, just not exactly who you're doing it with? No, not at all. Okay. That's what makes the job. Oh.

I don't think you're going to make it. Do you need an ice pack? Put your head in the fridge, our brand new fridge. I can't put my... Nick brought in a mini fridge yesterday. Is there anything in it yet? Spiders. I saw like a cobweb and spider in there.

Some really cold, uncomfortable spiders. It's just so hot in here. Jobs that pay very well, but people don't realize it. Are you ready for this? Yeah. So were you joking about that Reddit thing then? Who? You?

That's really on it? No, yeah, that's on there, yeah. Quite a while ago, my wife gave me a heads up because I don't mess around with social media. Too many shady pricks. My wife told me that there was a conversation in there somewhere where some people, They knew exactly what kind of money we were pulling down here. How do people get that inside information? Oh, it's unbelievable how accurate they can be.

I looked at it. I said, how the hell did they know exactly what we're all making around here? Jobs that pay very well, but people don't realize it. Septic tank installation and repair, well, you better be paying me a few bucks. I got a buddy that does that, and that's true. Pay them as much as they want. He does that for a living. Septic tank installation and repair.

Did they call them the turd burglar? No, there's no cute name like those doggie-do companies, you know. They always got the funny names. He doesn't have anything like that. What are we talking about? Doggy do? Like the people that pick up your dog poop, they've always got clever names for those. Yeah.

Yeah, I knew a guy. And you'll do like sewer repair. I don't know if that's what it would be called, but basically the pipe that goes from your house to, you know, the street, whatever. He repairs those. You ever feel a little funny shaking hands with him? No, not at all. I know a guy who used to suck out the porta-potties all over the northern Minnesota.

I think that'd be kind of satisfying in a way, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. I totally see what you mean with that. When you're done, it's just nice and clean. He's got a big tanker truck. One barrel holds the turds. The other barrel holds the blue water. Just nose blind at that point.

And he drove this dirty asshole, and he would go to the porta potty's all over, all your favorite campgrounds north of 694. And of course we called him the turd burglar. It wasn't very unique, not very original, but that's the route we took. Nuclear Station Security Guards make a lot of money. I don't think I'm qualified for that. God dang. Yeah, that's, I mean, in the movies, they're always the first ones to go.

And they seem very stressed, right? Yes. Like some rogue nation comes in there and just pops a cap in your ass. I don't care what kind of money you push my way. I don't think I'm signing up to be the nuclear station security guards. Lighting designers and directors for private events and broadcast sports. I always thought it would be cool to work on like a crew for a football game or whatever. Name a sport.

It would be kind of fun to be the audio guy or something. Or the director. Let's go to this camera, this camera. Camera too. Yeah, I bet it's super high stress, but that might be kind of part of the fun. God, those people are so talented, too. I always catch that when I'm watching an NBA game, the people that are on courts side, like trying to just keep up with all the players.

That's so impressive to me. Well, just think about, like, replays how quick they can get the perfect playback and stuff like that. That's impressive. Yeah. I believe that you have the skill set for any of that stuff, Josh. I don't know about that, but I certainly have the desire. I'd love to just be in the room and see it one time. You know how you'd lose your gig, though.

Let's say you were a cameraman at the ballgame. You'd zoom in on some boobies. And you'd get canned for that. It's just instinct. Lighting designers and directors for private events and broadcast sports make a lot of money. I knew a guy. You want to hear a story? I knew a guy.

Great gig. He was like a lighting guy in Hollywood on all the big Hollywood movies. He knew Clint Eastwood. He knew Garth Brooks. He knew all the big stars in town. He knew Bert Convey. Trust me, I can't think of any Hollywood stars, but he knew him because he worked on their movies. That's super cool.

I'd love to be able to watch something like that happen. And Tilly got arrested for buying crack from an undercover cop. I thought they'd tell you there were a cop before that. That's Hollywood, baby. Yeah, you should always go to. reputable drug dealer, not the cops. Dang, that's too bad. Land surveying

will make you a lot of money and you probably didn't know it. Do you guys watch Land Man? I do. Yeah, so good. I'm only halfway through the most recent episode though. Yeah, it's a wonderful television show. I wouldn't doubt it. I mean, have you ever had somebody come out? Well, you

rented the metal detector to find out where your property line was? I did. Before I did that, I had gotten a quote on it. It was crazy expensive. It was over a thousand bucks. Dude. So if they're getting, hopefully they get a chunk of that, you know, and obviously it's on this

list, they must, but holy cow, that can be expensive. You should have seen me walking out a highway 55 rental with a metal detector in my hand. I look like a dork. That's adorable. How do I do this? They told me how to do it as soon as I walked in the parking lot. I had no idea how to do it.

But it was kind of fun. It was. I bet, yeah. Yeah, we had to do that when we were putting up a shed. You know, it has to be a certain distance from your property line. The land surveyor Jesus, he texts in from time to time. And now we know he's rich. Yeah.

Give us some money. I saw it on Reddit. If you have any. Yeah. We're jaw jacking about jobs that pay extremely well, but you probably didn't know Dick about it. You didn't know these folks were living so comfortably. The old elevator, how do I say that again?

The thing goes up and down, Josh. Yeah, it's an elevator. The old elevator technician, don't do it. I'm warning you, don't friggin do it. Well, I know a guy that did it. Just once, because I know how this goes. You leave me to believe that you're not going to do it, and then you do it. Just this time, just let me off the hook.

All right, fine. Thank you. Elevator technicians, raking it in, by damn. I ran into one one night. Did he describe what the job was like? I ran into one one one night. He was not a happy guy. I think we pulled him out of the bar.

You know what I mean? He was on call. Elevator had problems one night, and we had to, it said right there in the elevator, call this number if something goes to hell, right? So we did. It was like midnight. We had to wait for the elevator technician to show up and help us. and he will, I swear to God, he was fresh from the bar, and he was having a good time,

and he did not appreciate getting that phone call. I get it. I get it. I've seen it. At the hospital, when we had our youngest, my mother-in-law and the older kids were jumping in an elevator, having some fun, you know, a little whimsy, killing some time, and they got the elevator stuck. The elevator guy showed up, and when my mother-in-law said what happened, he was enraged.

Did not want to get called out of bed for that. People do that. It scares me. Well, I was going to say I had a buddy that he was never an elevator technician, but he did work on escalators. He said it was a pretty good job, but it did have its ups and downs. See, there was a loophole, Nick, because I said escalator and not elevator. I don't like the look you're giving me right now.

Thank you. I wanted you to do that. I made a pun yesterday and a text message, Josh, and I thought of you, I'm like, oh, Josh would really like this. And I also thought at the same time, Nick would strangle me with one of your cut-off t-shirts, if you heard it. Was this the soup one? No, this is new and fresh one. Oh, you got a couple.

I told you, you qualify as a dad now. Yeah. So the one yesterday is me and a buddy, we were kind of talking about maybe going to Lambeau Field next year for a football game. And I said, does this make us lamb bros? Are you guys done? Ashley and I, the adults are trying to have a conversation. I love it.

Casino dealers, apparently. are doing quite well. That'd be fun. Well, here's the thing, though. I have a question. Why do they always look so horribly upset? I've heard, I've had a friend that dealt for a while, and he said, in theory, it looks like it's a fun job.

You're working at a casino. You're dealing cards, but it can get really depressing because you're seeing people who are clearly gambling away money that they don't have. Do you guys watch Landman? Yeah. Never saw it. In the most recent episode, there was a dealer that got a nice tip.

They were at a casino. Oh, I haven't seen them. Yeah, if you work at, like, a high, you know, a high-end casino when the tips come in, you bet you can make some good money. I have never won. Oh, maybe I have tipped.

Never saw it, land man. But casino dealers. So, yeah, a lot of them just don't look happy at all. Yeah, you're right. It's very rare. Maybe it's one of those things because everybody else is having fun, but you're working.

So maybe kind of like a crabby bartender, everybody else is drunk and having fun and you're on the clock. I suppose. tennis coaches. I wouldn't give you five bucks to teach me how to play tennis. All the rich kids. Yes, rich people.

Number one, I already know how to. I am very good at that sport. Very, very good. Tennis coaches make a lot of money, Josh. And your theory is it's all rich parents pushing their kids to be coached at tennis. Yeah, I mean, if it's like at an actual club, I'd imagine it's not cheap. Or private lessons. We'll continue with this.

Yeah, we will. I thought about giving up. I really did. We were really pushing you to the brink there, didn't we? He's hot. It's just so unnecessary. That's the thing. I mean like the elevator joke?

Yeah. It's wrong on many levels. So you're saying you don't want to be Lambros with me? He doesn't want to be Lambros with anybody right now, I don't think. It's the heat. FAS morning show, 93X. Oh, yeah, there might be one or two of you dickheads out there who aren't terribly happy at your current gig.

And we get it. Maybe it's your salary that sucks. They're just not paying a pimp what you think they should. So with that in mind, we've been dumping this on you. Jobs that pay extremely well, but you, the dumbass, you had no idea how much these gigs pay. Jobs that pay extremely well, but you didn't know. Here's what we covered so far.

Josh, we covered septic tank installation and repair, nuclear station security guard, lighting designer and director, surveying, meaning land surveying. Elevator, it's twice I couldn't say the word. elevator technician casino dealer tennis coach and now we move on to fiber optic cable splicing and there's a summary here that says it's not I don't even know what I just said

but the summary says it's not backbreaking work and it's stupid easy you just got to have a ton of patience I don't know what it means to splice fiber optic cable yeah I don't know if it's the same thing but like I've wanted to run some Ethernet cable through my house,

but the idea of putting the little ends on there seems too confusing. So I don't know if that's the same thing we're talking about, hooking those up or what, but that doesn't seem easy to me. No, it doesn't at all. A lot of folks weren't aware that fiber optic cable splicers were doing quite well. A mattress store mascot. I'm kidding. Certified waste.

wastewater treatment operator. Yeah, that sounds complicated. There's going to have to be, what's that word again? Josh, you know, when you're going to a new school, first you have to show up a day early and go. Orientation? There's going to have to be some orientation if I am to become a certified wastewater treatment operator. Yeah, definitely doesn't seem like the thing you can walk in on day one and just kind of figure it out. I'd have urine and, you know, all kinds of horrible water in the wrong place.

place. You're taking a dump in the clean one? Right. Josh, don't drink out of the drinking fountain if I am the certified wastewater treatment operator in town. We took a field trip to a wastewater facility in elementary school and it's actually kind of cool. Yeah, I think we did too now that you mentioned it. Yeah, it was one right in Egan's one we went to, Josh.

You know who makes more money than you? The folks that climb up the pole. and restore your power. That's good. I got a buddy that does that. I know anytime there's a storm, they'll go nationwide. He'll be gone for a long time, but they're making bank. Nationwide, he goes.

What up, Fred. Yeah, he's out there doing that. You know who makes more money than you? Who that? A lot of people. Airplane mechanics. That's an important job. That makes me nervous.

You dildoes better be paying airplane mechanics all the money. Yeah, I want them to be as happy as they possibly can be. Treat them well. I've written on a couple of broken airplanes, and it sucked. Pay those folks everything. It's not on the list, but it should be. A lot of garbage men are texting and saying they make really good money. I bet they do, and they should.

I've told you before that was my dream job as a kid, and I didn't even know you make some good money doing that. Well, you know, here's the fun part of reporting something like this here, is we get the opinion of folks. who actually do these gigs for a living. So, according to what I just read, a certified wastewater treatment operator is making damn good money.

At least, well, I mean, the title of the article is these jobs pay extremely well. They use the word extremely. Just got a text from a certified wastewater operator, and he said, yeah, the money's not that great. Oh, no. That sucks. Yeah, darn, bummer. Oh, man, he's probably pooping in our water now.

He's taking a leak in that thing. Yeah, did you have a terrible accident at work, sir? Did you put the poop water where the regular water? Someone says, go ahead and get an accounting degree. If you want to get rich, there are so many opportunities. If you can understand the financial intricacies of a business and communicate that information effectively. I'm out.

Yeah. Jesus. When it comes to money, that's when I'm the most lost in space. Thankfully, my wife handles that part of it. You know, you put a little bit of money here because it can gain interest there. I don't understand a single word of it, not a word. I got a checking account. I get that part.

That's good. Got a debit card? Somebody texted in to say the richest guy in your neighborhood is a retired plumber. Yeah, I mean, the retired plumber, I know he works all the time. You know, he's always picking up jobs he wants to do. He loves to do it, and he's making good money doing it. You want to hear about a fun job. At least this sounds fun.

And this individual reportedly makes, I won't say it out loud, because I think it's just rude to throw around exact numbers. That's what I was taught. I'm in the same boat. So I'm not going to throw out a number, but just trust me, this is a pretty impressive yearly salary. And you know what they do for a living cubby? They shoot the birds at the airport.

Oh, yeah. What? That's your job. They shoot the birds at the airport. Like, that's it. You clock in, and all you do all day is shoot birds. And he says, I get more days off than most Europeans. That sounds awesome.

That's awesome. He shoot birds at the airport. What a job. I mean, it's necessary, I guess, unless there's another way to get them out of there. What do you do? Sit up in some kind of a perch? And I'm not trying to make a pun there, but do you sit up in some kind of, what would they call that, Josh? Like a deer stand. Do you sit up high?

And every day, do you have the boombox playing? Bama, mao, ma'amau ma'amama. But the bird is the word. And that whole thing, right? That's what I do. Shooting birds at the airport. What kind of a shot are you, Josh? With a beanbag gun, I'm pretty accurate.

But once you put a bullet in there, I'm firing nothing but warning shots. And not on purpose. With a beanbag gun. You've got some good Nerf gun experience too, don't you? Yeah, I'm okay with that. What do you know about a beanbag gun? What, did you handle a riot in town or something? No, beanbag rounds, I should have said.

You know, when all the cool kids go to the Citizens Academy in their local city, They kind of learn what's like to be a cop. Yeah, that's where all the cool kids go. You hit some poor bastard in the beanbag? No, they give you the first, it was the first time I ever shot anything. They had beanbag rounds, and I shot, and I was like, wow, I'm a natural. I'm getting some pretty good shots in here, and then they gave us an actual loaded weapon, and it was terrible. This is heavy.

Absolutely, all. And it's so loud. So loud. Over there at the Citizens Academy, huh? The Prior Lake Citizens Academy. Academy. Here's a loaded gun. I'm essentially a police officer at this point. You're the biggest dork in the world. That's all there is to it.

Oh, God. Well, I don't know, maybe with some more practice, you could become a crack shot. I was better. My brother's actually a firearms instructor, so he taught me a couple things. He's a regular Wyatt Earp. He knows what he's doing. There you go. Wonderful to be back on the program again today. We'll be back tomorrow. What's going on, podcast, pimps? Dana here to once again sing the praises of standard heating and air conditioning. I got on the ball early.

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