93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Remembering Dolly Parton

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Originally Aired August 26, 2026: Biggar Penis Woods. Just because you ain't got no fuzz, doesn't mean you're not still a peach. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the call coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE! Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheeding.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93x-haired morning show. Ninety-three. Not one to sit around doing nothing. I would never retire. I'll just hopefully drop dead in the middle of the song on stage someday.

And hopefully when I've written, of course, we don't have much of a choice in that. But as long as I'm able to work, as long as my health is good, I mean, I would, The only way that I would ever slow down or stop would be for that reason. But in the meantime, I'm going to make Haywell sunshines. All right, showtime. Aw, Dolly. We'll miss you. We will miss you, Dolly Parton.

What a magical, glorious character she was. She was like the personification of a great big hug, don't you think? Yeah, that's a perfect way to describe her. That ain't bad, Cubby. That ain't bad at all. I think she would appreciate something like that. She was smart. She was sweet.

kind. She was wonderfully talented, along with being a lifelong Super Fox. We dedicate today's edition of the Half-Ass Morning Show to Dolly Parton. You know, there's been a lot of just one-of-a-kind celebrities that have died over the years, right? We've got Ozzy Osbourne, Hulk Hogan, you know, amongst many others. I'm sorry, I can't hear him over the music. I can barely hear you, Josh. I said, you know, she's, there's been a lot of one-of-the-kind celebrities that have passed recently. But I don't remember the others being covered like Dolly was yesterday. It was overwhelming. Oh, yeah. That's the wrong word because that makes it seem negative. But there was so many articles written about her. I put together something for the news. I was telling Nick off the air,

I'm like, I wonder if it's almost too much, but she has accomplished so many things. She was universally beloved. I mean, shoot, they're going to have the flags at half-mast for until September first over Dolly Parton. As they should. Who did you mention? You mentioned Hulk Hogan. Ozzy Osbourne. Ozzy Osbourne. And I know I'm forgetting a complete obvious one that's going to frustrate. In the last year or so. Yeah, yeah.

We're probably forgetting one. Huge stories. But Dolly yesterday, that was different. But you're right. I mean, when you add up all those characters, it has been a hell of a year or so. As Minnesota Moses says, an American treasure. Yep. She was.

She might have been the last remaining universally beloved person. There's nobody that ever has a bad thing to say about Dolly Parton. Very much could be. I mean, she was quick-witted, easy on the eyes, as Nick mentioned. She's one of the performers. I remember my parents making a point to watch on TV. Anytime Dolly did anything, they wanted to watch it. And we've stayed pretty committed to that fandom, like my mother-in-law,

huge Dolly fan. Been to Dolly World many times. Oh, cool. Makes it easier to buy gifts for because birthday's, in Christmas over the years I'd buy her like clothes, prayer candles, anything with Dolly's face on it. Growing up in the 70s and being, you know, well aware of pop culture during that decade, Dolly Parton was one of the biggest phenomenon of that era in the 1970s. I mean, there was kiss.

There were the BGs. Happy Days, Star Wars, Rocky Balboa, MASH, Farah Fawcett, the Eagles, there was Bert Reynolds, there was Saturday Night Live, and there was Dolly Parton. Just to name some of the real serious, full-on phenomenon of that decade.

I couldn't say I was a big collector of her records. Yeah, me neither. That's funny. I liked her music, but I was more into everything else about her. her television appearances, you know, her in movies. I mean, it spanned generations in my family, like I mentioned, my parents, my mother-in-law, even my daughter, she's nicknamed her car, Dolly, which was really more about Dolly being Myly Cyrus's godmother, but I'll give Dolly partial credit for that. That's still pretty sweet.

By the way, another all-timer who has passed recently, you know, just one of these characters who spanned decades and was pretty beloved throughout that entire stretch, Chuck Norris. Ozzie, Chuck Norris, Hulk Hogan, Dolly Parton, I think it's fair to put all of them in that same category. So I was never a big collector of her records, but here you come again is one of my favorite songs from that era. There was just such a sweetness to her voice in everything that Dolly sang, but particularly in that track, there's something about her delivery that it grabs me every time. I don't care if I've heard it, a million, the song's been out for 55 years. That friggin, here you come again is one of my favorite songs from that era.

There was just such a sweetness to her voice in everything that Dolly sang, but particularly in that track, there's something about her delivery that it grabs me every time. I don't care if I've heard it, a million, the song's been out for 55 years. What a great tune. And of course Jolene is a legendary song. And people are bringing up how charitable she was. Sure, she had her foundations. I mean, she helped kids learn to read because her dad never knew how to read. Yeah, that's absolutely crazy how she would just like send all these children. And like, I think it's like hundreds and hundreds of thousands of kids, free books every single month. Oh, yeah, here's a text right here. Says, shoot, my son gets a book once a month from her book club.

Yeah, it's still a thing. She really is somebody. It doesn't matter your politics. Like I mentioned, spans generations of families. People just really loved Dolly. A lot of people are texting in saying this one hit hard for him. The announcement of her death from her, like, head of security, that was, I thought that was a really done video or really well done video. They were going to say really dumb.

No, no, never. Yeah, that was her nephew. That was really cool. Yeah, I thought it was sweet that it's like, who. Like his dad was the last head of, like they just passed it down. That is so cool to me. And how she had asked him years ago that, you know, when the time comes, I want you to be the one to put out a video announcing it.

I thought that was pretty cool. I know a little bit about country music, some of the older stuff, like the 70s stuff. But I just know a little bit overall. So don't take my word for it, but country music fans say that Dolly is the all-timer, the greatest to ever take the stage. you know, some would say Shania Twain or Reba McIntyre or Loretta Lynn, Linda Ronstadt.

I think even all those people would agree that they're nowhere near Dolly's level. Who were some of the early? Patsy Klein, my dad loved Patsy Klein. But Tammy Wynette is one that I almost forgot. But if you ask a lot of country fans, they say Dolly was the one.

Did you know you can get frozen Dolly meals at Walmart? I have one in my freezer today. Really? No way. I'd never heard that before. A while back, my wife found some Dolly Parton frozen dinners. Like dolly pops, or what did you get?

You need to get some. It's, of course, with her background being a Southern gal who grew up in Tennessee, if I remember right, the Dolly Parton Pardon? Pardon? Yes, correct. Yeah, oh, she's from Tennessee. If I remember right, it's a chicken

dumplings or something with country fried steak and yeah there's like fried chicken and mac and cheese shrimp and grits southern vibe yeah they got some chocolate pie this is so cute I love it some of the pictures that I scrolled through

last night online of Dolly from word one to the day that she died and again back to the 70s some of the pictures of Dolly on stage with her huge blonde hair, the rhinestone jumpsuit, and the guitar in hand.

I mean, she was the Lady Elvis. Never really dawned on me until I looked closely at some of those pictures. She was the Lady Elvis. There was so many good appearances she did on television. Very funny. Oh, yeah, so quick-witted. And just like always has a sweet phrase, you know, and the way she delivered it was perfect, the look on her face. But it was hard to kind of pare it down for what to play this morning.

I mean, it's only, you know, three-hour show. But talking about her look, she discussed how that happened. The most beautiful girl woman I had ever seen in my life, we didn't go to town that much, but when I would, I would go to see her because she had these long red fingernails. She wore bright lipstick. She had peroxide blonde hair, wore tight clothes short. And I thought she is the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And my mother said, oh, she's just trash. She's just a tramp. And I thought, that's what I want to be when I grow up.

I saw footage of a recent Dolly Parton concert, and this is probably a line she's been using for decades. But I thought it was cute, so Dolly's up on stage, in between songs. She's getting ready to address the crowd. and the crowd is quiet, mostly because they're older people and they're very polite and seated. So the crowd's kind of quiet, and Dolly's about ready to say something or another,

and someone from the back of the crowd says, I love you, Dolly! And Dolly says, it was a gentleman, by the way, it was a man. And Dolly says, I love you too, but how'd you get out the trunk? So, yeah, I mean, look at some of those older pictures from the 70s when she was young. She looked like a doll.

She didn't even look real. It's insane. And by the way, my comparison to Elvis, it brings me back to the day that Elvis died in 1977. My sister had maybe seen something on television. So in 77, my sister would have been a 9-year-old or a 10-year-old. And I don't think my sister believed it when she saw it. on television. At any rate,

my sister ends up going to the grocery store with our mother that evening. Immediately after my sister saw this footage on television about Elvis possibly dying. My mother said, it's time to go to the grocery. My sister turns off the television, and as they're walking around the grocery store, my sister says to our mother,

you know, Elvis died today. And my mom said, Katie, that is terrible. That is how rumors get started. Don't you dare say that. That is terrible. Well, they get home from the grocery store. My mom turns on the television and it's wall-to-wall coverage of Elvis's death.

And my mom said, ah! Oh, no, your poor mom. Yeah, it took the wind right out of her. Yeah, my husband's Nana is, oh, sorry, Nick, but she is absolutely in love with Elvis. It's your problem that you call her Nana. You go right ahead. She has like an unhealthy relationship with her love for Elvis. Elvis.

It's so cute. Yeah. It's like, you know, especially women that age, they just like duck their whole house out and whatever they are obsessed with. Oh, really? She has all the stuff? Yeah, she's got some cool stuff. She goes and sees like the impersonators and all that. It's so cute.

When you learn about Dolly's upbringing, I mean, I can't be sure on the specific. but she came from a pretty large family who just lived. One of 12. Was it 12? Yeah. Lived in a shoe box. One bedroom, the cabin, basically. Unbelievable.

Her dad, like you mentioned, her dad couldn't read and write. I mean, just from absolute dirt to one of the biggest personas America's ever seen, personalities that America's ever. Now, I decided, like a lot of us, I'm sure, last night, to delve into, some websites and look more into her personal life because I didn't know a ton about it. But I imagined Dolly Parton, been in the music industry for 60 years, she must have gone through a pile of husbands. Just one.

I didn't know that until I read it last night. I imagine, oh, Christ, she probably married Bert Reynolds and Jerry Reed and Bruce Lee and Okay, Bruce Jenner, I'll just keep rattling off guys name. I imagine she had a lot of, she only had one. Guy's name was Carl. She gave me to lay to rest next to him. That is. He was a, he ran an asphalt paving business until he retired and he died a year ago.

I didn't know she was with the same man since she was 18 years old. They met at a laundromat in Nashville, Tennessee in 1964. He only came to see her perform once, according to what Dolly told the media. over and over again. Carl, stayed away from that lifestyle completely. He probably got enough private concerts. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, he doesn't need to go see her. I'm hopeful that maybe at tonight's concert,

one of the bands that I'm headed off to see tonight, Mystic Lake Casino, the new amphitheater, maybe one of the bands will pay tribute to Dolly and play one of her songs. Tonight I'm going to see The Romantics. They better. Christopher Cross and Toto. Hell, Toto's been in the business long enough. Well, all of those bands have been.

But Toto is one of those bands who has worked with everybody. They've, what's the word in the business, Josh? They've collaborated. Thank you. They've collaborated with everybody from Michael Jackson to Bruce Jenner, Bruce Lee, Bert Reynolds, Jerry Reed. Yeah, maybe they'll have some stories to tell tonight. That's kind of where I'm expecting maybe something from Toto

because I almost guarantee they've worked with dollars. at one point or another. They've taught always worked with everybody. So maybe they'll have a... If they don't, that's okay. I'm just kind of hoping to... Fochay Maintenance Ninja Jesus. Take a look at the text he sent.

He sent a picture of Dalli Parton at age 26. Where am I looking? Our text machine there. And the guy's name is... Fochay Maintenance Ninja. He sent an old picture of... Oh my gosh. Can you be...

Just gorgeous. Is he prettier? Yeah, I know. It's crazy. What? Big old do-rag on her head. Such cute look. Wearing nothing but denim.

Canadian tuxedo. Progmental Jesus says I think Dolly's the only person without a widely known scandal or something like that. She was so wholesome. She sure came across that way. Do you remember a listener wants to know? Do you remember that she had her own television show in the 80s?

It rings a bell, but I could not say for sure. I didn't, but last night reminded me just kind of looking through some stuff. What was it? Just a variety? show? Pretty much. Yeah.

Was it better than the Brady Bunch variety show? I never saw that. Oh, boy. Not good? Well, I love... I would think it'd be entertaining. I love the Brady, so they could do no wrong in my eyes. But if you look at it now, it's God awful.

It's absolutely disgusting how bad it is. They would dress up, speaking of jumpsuits and the 70s, they would get into their jumpsuits and sing the latest hits. You see what they would cover? They would cover the latest. Oh, no, it was awful. You know, they'd come jogging out there and, you know. I wonder if it was the same for people who didn't grow up watching the Brady Bunch,

but those movies were excellent. Those comedies? I thought they were so good. In the 90s? Yeah, they were absolutely perfect. Hilarious. Oh, sure. Listeners are texting in many appearances.

Dolly made many appearances on He-Haw. Absolutely. I would sit down and watch He-Haugh with my dad and I loved it. Never made a trip to Dollywood? No. That famous live country show down in Nashville. Grand Ole Opry? Never made a trip to the Grand Ole

Aubrey. But you know who has? Who's that? Big Al. Really? Ask Big Al about his trip to the Grand Ole Opry. How did he like it? He loved it. But I know Dolly was the type that would duck in there quite often and sing a song or two for the folks. There you go. We dedicate today's program to that wonderful lady. I did see a clip. Speaking of her television appearances, I saw her do a top 10 list for Letterman one time, I think mid-90s, 95, and it was Dolly Parton's top 10 biggest pet peeves.

And number one was, nobody notices, I've got a great ass, too. She did joke about her boobs a lot. I mean, everybody did. Hard not to. Well, yeah, I mean, that was kind of her identity for a while. Yeah. With some people. There were plenty of people who could see beyond her sweater cannons. But others, that was all they wanted to talk about.

I have an uncle who, to this day, he gauges everything in comparison to Dali Parton's rack. What? I went to a restaurant the other night. They sold me, they made me a stack of pancakes bigger than Dolly Parton's. You know what I'm? That was his thing. He compares everything to. He's been doing it since the late 60s.

Everything is in comparison to the size of Dolly Parton. Did you ever hear the time she got beat up outside a restaurant? Did you hear that story? Who touched her? No, that sounds very interesting. Yeah, here she is. Who are the tough guys that tuned up Dolly Parton? Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Here you have to hear her say it. We were having our meal, and this old man came over to our table. And he sat down, and he was just talking to us, and we were all laughing. We didn't know him. And we just, you know, we were all just kind of. And then so he finally, he left, and we finished. So I went up to pay the bill. And the man said, well, your grandpa left his bill here, too.

I said, my grandpa. So that old man had come over and kind of scammed us. And so I said, well, that was not my grandpa. But I paid it. of course. So when we left, I walked down the street and he was standing there at the light. And you know, we walked to the corner. And so I went over to him. I said, hey, I would have been happy, you know, to have paid your bill. You know, I said, but then you tell him you're my grandpa and he took his walking stick and he started just beating me across the chest. I mean, just as hard as he could. Just wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, wham, and it hurt.

Oh my gosh. I know. But then what, what happened? What happened? What do you mean what happened? These two big lumps came up and they never did go down. Ah, Dolly, you're the best. Perfect.

I kind of misunderstood that. So she's saying she beat him up with her jugs? No, he kept hitting her and hitting her and hitting it with her cane right in the chest. Oh, oh, I get. And they got swollen and they never went down. Yeah, she was a damage joking the whole time. She got me. Well, me and my friends did want.

We got drunk one night. We beat up Juice Newton. I don't know if you ever told you that story. I don't know Juice Newton. That went nowhere. Yeah, you got to have a little. Juice Newton is a female country singer. Oh, sorry.

And my friends really didn't beat her up. Oh, that's good. Maybe me work on that joke and use it. Yeah, workshop that one a little bit. I'm sure. After you guys. Yeah, now that I know. I suppose, you're right.

It went nowhere with you guys, but if you know who Juice Newton is, then they probably enjoyed it. You loved it. Yeah, absolutely. She had a beautiful song. What was that beautiful ballad that she sang again? Quite a few years ago. Of course, she had playing with the Queen of Hearts,

knowing that it really smarts, and that was a big hit. She had a couple ballads. Text me. Angel of the Morning. Okay, that was a big one, but that's not the one I'm thinking of. Yeah. Just call me Angel of the morning, Angel. Just touch my cheek before you.

There was one more big... Break it to me gently? No, no, big love song. Love song. Yeah. Love's been a little bit... Oh, that was a good... That was a bouncier one, though.

Love's been a little bit hard on me. And yes, she said hard on. Don't pick on Juice Newton for that. A little love? No. Then he kissed me. Oh, really? She covered that one.

651, 989, 93. What was that other big Juice Newton love song? It's a big sweeping love ballad with a lot of, again, strings. And I love that one. I can't believe I can't. come up with it. She was a looker, too. Yeah?

Yeah, definitely. I'm going to get back to you on this. All right, there you go. Sad day, but a lot of fun stories to share for Dolly Parton fans from one end of time. There, here we go. Thank you. Mary, she answered correctly on our text machine. The other big, Juice Newton, love ballad.

The sweetest thing I've ever known. is loving you. You should try that one today. I think it'll grab some of you. We'll take a break. We'll come back with the by-god stupid news here in a few minutes on the half-ass morning show. 93.

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There's everything else is team-oriented. The motivation, it was a sort of anger at myself for being weak. That ends up being the driving factor. That anger, that pride, that ego, I think it's a muscle. It gets stronger. When you take that voice seriously, you start to change your life. Mike drop. Follow and listen on your favorite platform.

Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. You got it. You want the stupid news? Yes. You got it. Yes! That's where we're going to go next. Calm down.

No. This guy can't be... No. What happened? Josh is trying to kill himself. I missed it. What happened? He air kicked.

Oh, don't, don't do that. Stop doing the air kicks. Yeah, I know. I'm pumped. Jesus. I wish I was strong enough to tear my sweatshirt and half. Number one. No.

Number one, you're going to hurt yourself. If you've not followed this. Josh has a new thing where he gets up out of his chair and he does a David Lee Roth karate kick into the air you're going to blow a hamstring out it's going to be an ugly scene I think I'm getting better at it

But number two you just you look so silly That's kind of the goal I guess Especially in your godforsaken basketball shorts That's how I have the freedom to move my legs as I do This guy can't be serious Here as we kick off the stupid news I think I know what he's doing because he can't be

serial he's a German politician and a nudist classic combination there he's a German politician and a nudist and anyways he wants to go ahead with orgies

at City Hall which of course will never happen. Nope. Nope, not going to happen. It's never going to happen. So like I said, I think I have this guy figured out. He's one of those that obviously lives a different kind of a lifestyle.

He's a nudist. He also doesn't mind dive in face first into an orgy now and again. And that's fine. But unfortunately, he's one of those types that needs to constantly remind all of us just how interesting and different he finds himself to be. I'm sure his co-workers over there at German City Hall, I'm sure right now they are saying, oh, for Christ's sake, here we go again. I bet you're right. He's talking about the nudist thing. He's talking about the orgy thing again. Change the effing record. That's my take on the guy. I think I nailed it. No, you're totally right.

Okay. I'll go ahead with this effing clown. Anyway, just for laughs. He goes by the name of Julian. I'm not tagging in on an orgy with a guy named Julian. I'll tell you that much. One of the coolest guys I know is named Julian. That's a pretty cool name, actually. I'd be honored to have an orgy with Julian,

even if it's just me and him. I would imagine Julian's being quite beautiful. I don't think that's an orgy anymore, Josh. Yeah, I just realized that. What's that? That's one-on-one. Yeah, you guys are just boning. Intimate. Okay, fine. I'm fine with that too. I don't like the name. I'll tell you this much. He's known in Germany, and I hate this.

God and baby Jesus, do I hate this? Because it's so easy, it's so unoriginal. Julian is known in Germany as, quote, the crazy councilman. Try to see what that is in German. He just loves it so much. Oh, I'm not even going to... Das.

Is that crazy councilman in German? Julian is known as the crazy councilman. So he wants us to believe that he thinks there should be sex parties at City Hall. He wants to turn the joint into a swingers paradise. And again, I don't believe that he really wants that. He just wants the attention on him for a few minutes. He's a grown person. He knows there's no friggin.

chance in hell there are going to be orgies and swingers parties at city hall but you know for a stretch of time julian wasn't being you know there weren't enough eyes on julian so he's firing this up again question yes cubby if you had a job like that or you're a judge or you know you work someplace like that would you want to consummate in uh your judge's chair or your crazy counselor chair yeah why not that's cool on the senate floor in the senate bathroom if you're actually i'm Yeah, dude. Or if you just had like a job with an office. You know, we have offices here.

Like that'd be pretty cool. Like, hey, it's my office. Let me shut the door. You know, just because like it happens in movies. It's very, uh, it's like one of those scenarios that you want, that you play out in your head sometimes. I can understand the draw of such a thing, Josh. But if you're asking me personally, no. I mean, I've been here.

I've been here for 30 years and never once did I have some fantasy of banging someone in this friggin' building. We had a couch that there was always rumors about. I don't know if it was really used for that. It was a very comfy couch. You never slept on that couch. This is an old building. Oh, thank God. I put my face on the couch.

A lot of people, I would have begged you not to. Okay, thank God. The old couch that Josh is referring to from years ago, that was an F couch. Yeah. That was always the room. I never saw it. It was like what spots? on it or what? There were stains on there. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it was awful. And I slept here one night.

Late bar gig. No reason to go home. I went into the room with the F couch, but I did not sleep on the F couch. I slept on the floor. I found out because I slept on that every weekend because I'd work, you know, the weekends and we play PSAs from, I don't know what it is, 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. And at the time, there were just tapes. So I put in a tape, sleep for half a half hour later, put in the next tape. And this was knowing about the F couch? You were unaware of the F. Our old engineer who we all love slash fear, he came in and he's like, dude, you know that's an F couch, right? So after that, I brought in a sleeping bag. Man. Have you guys ever become intimate at a significant others job? Yes. Yeah. I don't remember. I don't think so. I guess.

It kind of counts. He was doing landscaping, so we weren't at, like, the workplace building. Somebody's front yard? Yeah, that kind of vibe. Well, where were you? Like, you were in somebody's yard? No, it was a parking lot. Yeah, it was like, or like, yeah, it was a small little parking lot that was close to the place that they were doing. I don't know if we're going to count that. That doesn't count. Yeah, but it was like in the work vehicle. Not counting it, Josh said. Work vehicle. Okay, well, that's different. Work vehicle. We'll count that. No, I don't think. So, Josh.

I landscaped and we were in the work vehicle a lot. I understand the draw, but again, I've never thought of my workplace or anyone else's workplace. I was always content just bumping at home. No, that'd be fun. Like in the movies where you just like push everything off the desk. You just sweep the desk and take each other? Exactly.

You mentioned you've done that, Dana? Yeah. Where did she work? No further information? Well, no, it's definitely not my current wife because she's a second grade teacher, thankfully. So let's get that out of the way. I can think of two examples. One was the sunglasses hut at the Burnsville Mall and the other was a law office.

Oh, weren't you married to a lawyer? I'm doing the math on that one. See, that's like movie type stuff right there. So she was willing to risk her career for your penis? It was after hours. Well, but still, she probably was risking her career. You know how lawyers are? Impressive.

I bet she built her class. client for that. She stayed after hours. Villeable hours. Let's get back to this German crackpot. Again, if you're just tuning in, he's a German city councilman. Again, I don't believe he really means this, but he's making a lot of noise saying, I'm a nudist and I'm a swinger and we should have a sex orgy at City Hall.

And all of his coworkers are saying, oh, Jesus, here we go again with this nonsense. Because you know it's never going to happen. What else is there to tell you about? Julian. He kind of looks like Spock. Oh, dude, to me, Josh, he looks like Germany's biggest wimp is what he looks like. He definitely has a dorky look to him. He goes to the nude beach a lot.

He does. He poses for naked pictures at the nude beach. Now, let me ask you this. In this country, would he be immediately fired for saying something like this? Probably not. Wouldn't he be fired on the grounds of inappropriate sexual this or that in the workplace? I don't know, maybe if you asked me like 15 years ago, I'd probably say yeah, but no.

I think nobody cares about anything anymore. What? People don't get fired for doing insane a lot worse than what this guy's got going on. Here today in America. Yeah. People don't get fired for sexual inappropriateness in the workplace? I guess usually not within like politics like this, no. So you're more referring to like politicians can get away with a lot.

Yeah, exactly. I'm just talking about in general. Like if we said that? Yeah, we'd be fine. Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. I suppose you're right, though. I didn't consider politicians. You're probably right.

They can be a little weird. I actually just read an article over the weekend talking about... Give me some friggin examples of that. Yeah, I challenge you to come up with one. Tough guy. Talking about how, you know, it's okay for politicians to swear now. It is? And kind of some of the reasons.

that they chose. You know, swearing, I think we both agree. It's great when used correctly and just used in natural speech, but the folks that are swearing to make a point. Yeah. Like that would be... They suck at it. And I don't mean to criticize any other medium here, but if I could criticize satellite radio, you know, they have the ability to swear. And sometimes you can tell they're doing it just because they have the ability to... Absolutely. And they sound like jackasses. Yeah, it doesn't sound natural. It's all in the delivery, cubby. Because people have asked us, oh, man, can you imagine?

If you didn't have any restrictions, you could say whatever you want. And I think sure it would change some things. But I don't think any of us would just throw out an F word because you can. This is not like who's better than what. Maybe a couple. I would like the ability to swear because I'll tell you right now, I'm damn good at it. I just like, you know, if you play like a clip and it's a real funny mess up from a news person that says the T word or something like that, it'd be nice not to have to say the T word. The T word.

You know what I'm saying? That was your go-to? I don't know. Because I'm trying to think of news clips we've played where somebody's like, yeah, in the Twin Cities, and then they screw that up. The Twin T, I understand where you're going with this. You know, it just kind of takes some of the punch away. All right. We're almost done with this guy.

Okay, Julie and the German politician Nudis Swinger, he claims there are no laws against genital penetration at City Hall. He claims he's already heard from some folks who want to bump at City Hall. I'm not buying that. But I love this bit. he says he wants to destigmatize the swinging culture. Don't bother, dude. It's already been done. We get it.

Everybody already knows that most of you, swingers and nudists, you're not deviant sexual perverts. You just like to get naked and F strangers and that's fine. I love how these nudists and swingers, there's always, all of them, not all of them. A lot of them think, well, I'm going to be the one to step up and destigmatize. this. It's been done. We get it. We don't care. It's fine.

Just do your thing. We don't care anymore. We don't. It's not 1963. You're not new for this. Yes, this is new. Groundbreaking information. You're not breaking new ground. Nothing scandalous. Like, whoa, are you serious? Do you think it's the new guy? The new person in the group? You know, it's kind of, some people, when they're new to something that everybody's already done. Yes. Like they lose their virginity and all of a sudden they're going to tell

everyone what sex is like. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. They haven't been That information hasn't been passed to the new guy yet Like hey we destigmatized this 35 years ago So he steps up and says Well everyone we're not crazy We're not perverts

Yes we know dude You're right it's the new guy They didn't tell them everything just yet I'm pretty sure So none of this will ever happen A dude needs to let it go and stop bothering everybody I guess that's the moral of this here story Yeah one of my

I mean there's so many fun memories around this place Unfortunately most of them off air But there was a time where somebody was bragging about having sex, right? Yes. And you just reminded them that, you know, people have been having sex for millennia. It's not that big a deal, man. Yeah, you're right. And you tell them.

I had sex last night. It was like, who cares? Just to watch that person deflate was great. Some people are, you know, so narrow-minded, self-centered that they can't understand that. maybe they're not the first one to discover this or this or this or this. Like years ago, a gal friend of mine says, you know, I went ice fishing on Lake Malax. Yeah.

And, I mean, we called the pizza delivery guy in Garrison, and he delivered a pizza to our fishing shack. And we said, yeah, that's been going on since 1966. But she thought that because... She thought she was the first one? Well, more, you have to listen now, specifically, actually. she thought that her personality won over the pizza guy. You're kidding me.

So she's the only person who's ever had a pizza delivered to her. That's ridiculous. I know where I was. The first time I realized that was the thing or was introduced to that, Izadis. Isadis. I thought that was so cool. There's just a young guy on a snowmobile running out there and delivering pizzas. Yeah, it is so genius.

So this gal thought not only was it the first time it's ever happened, but it'll never happen again. It was specifically for her. Wow. All right. You should just let her have it. And then next time, take our ice fish and just order a bunch of pizzas. I see it happens for everybody.

This one's just for the pun sluts. I'm going to go ahead and read this one more or less as is. So you pun sluts can get your rocks off. I dedicate this one to you. You filthy, submissive pun horrors. Now here's the headline, which will warm you up to how this one is going to go overall. The headline,

Bigger P penis Woods is getting chopped down after getting blown too much. Only the tip will remain. Not bad. This story comes from Scotland or someplace stupid like that. There is a place called

Bigger P penis Woods over there. It's just outside the town, of bigger, don't you know? So the whole story is folks in the neighborhood have been having laughs over this for centuries. Bigger penis woods. The trees in bigger penis woods are called trinuses.

For one reason or another, plans were made to chop down all the treenesses. Some folks were made. in favor of that idea. Some were not. Those who were not in favor of the idea, they said that the trinuses should be a protected landmark. But despite

the swell of opposition, they say the Scottish forestry corporation or something, they gave the go-ahead on cutting it all down. You got to like trinuses, right?

Trinuses? Yeah. Every time I see a trinus, I'm to say, hey, look at that big trinus. The Scottish Forestry Foundation, or wherever they are, they said that the trinuses had reached the end of their natural life cycle. They were all dying. Ain't that about a bitch. So, that's the sad situation in bigger penis woods.

One local made this argument as to why bigger penis woods should have stayed. they said it's not just any woodland it's a penis-shaped woodland it is yes yes you're not wrong but it's all over now gone so kiss my ass I hope they replant

I don't know what the refractory period is for growing new trees but it'd be a shame to lose that it's lost it's gone it's already been done cubby yeah forever I'm hoping they replanted. Oh, God. It looks like they kept the balls, but the shaft, it's gone. Here's more, oh, how should I say this? More sexual innuendo related to geography? I guess. I know that's confusing, but I did my best. I think you'll understand when I get there.

Some more sexual innuendo related to geography. You know how we love to give our local town. Funny or derogatory nicknames, Wastings, East Methel, Moundtucky, Blaine Tucky, Ramtucky, Pork Pond. Fun. Laughs for everyone involved. Everyone goes home a winner. Yeah. Apparently there's a town in the Bay Area up and over there near San Francisco, California.

There's a town called Walnut Creek. And the locals just call it. the nut. I feel like we've wasted opportunity around here. Yeah? Like you'd like to start calling. I mean, there's Walnut Grove. We could call it the nut.

I wonder if people from there do call it the nut and I've just never heard it. It's not part of the cool club. It's very possible, Josh. So Walnut Creek, California. The locals just call it the nut. This nickname, the nut, it appears to be catching on from one end of town to the other. even the stinking mayor of Walnut Creek has heard. The mayor goes by the name of Kevin something or another.

During a recent city council meeting, Kevin said, he's been noticing more people around town referring to Walnut Creek simply as the nut. The local television news went around Walnut Creek and asked regular Gibronies what they think of their town being called the damn nut. One guy said, definitely the nut. He said, I say it all the time. Another said, I don't like that. I would never say that. I live in the nut.

It's Walnut Creek. Why ruin the name? It's a beautiful name. It's a wonderful name, but the nut's kind of funny. It's fun. You know it's fun. Back to the mayor now. He said he recently spotted a booth in town selling hats and t-shirts that simply say, The nut. Have you ever heard a derogatory nickname for a town,

and you heard it so much, you never really even thought what it meant, and then said that out loud, and somebody told you what it meant, and you realized I probably could have got myself in a lot of trouble. I had no idea. Yes, the answer is yes. I remember it specifically, yes.

Yeah, mine too. I think you might have been the one that told me like, hey, do you know what that means? I was. Okay, you remember that too. I remember every second of this. Okay, yeah. And I said, what?

I had no idea. You coughed up a supposedly funny nickname for a local town. Yeah. And we went off there and I said, yeah, dude, that means this and this. And you were disgusted with yourself. Oh, yeah. You had no idea. I never made that connection.

Never once thought that. Oh, I still feel terrible thinking about it. I can't wait to find out what it was. The vet. Oh, sorry, were you just going to say that? Friendly diabetic. Jesus, what did he text in about? How Savage is called The Vaj.

That's another one where I thought I wasted a lot of years of my life. I think we just learned about that a couple of years back. Wasn't that long ago. I had no idea you folks were calling Savage the Vaj. It's excellent. And credit to you. That's a perfect nickname. I never would have come up with that.

Hilarious. It's so good. It's right there. It's perfect. One dude in town, one dude who lives in Walnut Creek, California, now quite commonly referred to as the nut, One dude when interviewed by the television news, he said this is nothing new to him. He says he's been calling Walnut Creek the Nut since the year of 20 and 20.

He's been down for years already, he said. So don't tell me. He gets it. I like it. Yeah. It's cool. I mean, I could see, like, they could have T-shirts and stuff like that. They do?

Yeah. Yeah. I'd be proud. I'd buy that T-shirt. Me too. Like, you know, how Austin would have. Austin, Texas, they leaned into the weird, keep Austin weird. And there was some other place that did the exact same thing.

Oh, I don't know that gimmick. What happened? They kind of leaned into that where people were saying, you know, Austin, Texas is weird. It is, huh? And so they leaned into that for a while. And I think somebody else did the same thing. I missed that one. Ah, here we go. With the state fair only a couple days away, well, one day away,

I want to wish everyone luck on the midway this year. You know, I didn't go last year. Oh, I don't frequent it the way I used to. When I was a kid, yeah, when we were kids, I was absolutely a Midway kid. I know a lot has changed, but back in the day, the State Fair Midway was the most unsavory spot in town, and I loved it. The crooked-ass games, the garbage rides. Now, that hasn't changed much. The rides look a little more stable, but what I'm talking about is how the character,

characters have changed. Back in the day, the carnies were legit, dangerous, drug-addicted criminals. They were. That was kind of part of it, right? It was a danger. Absolutely. That was kind of fun. You see people that you just aren't used to see. Oh, I ate it up. I love the thrill of it all. I've noticed the modern day carney is a little more polished. But in the 70s and 80s, it was legitimately a frightening place to be. I never, I never really hung out there until I found out that they have a game back there with a pool table involved. Oh, yeah. So I was like, ah, darn it.

So now I go back there and I play some pool. And I know the tables are crooked. I know it's not going to work. But it's still fun to try. That same friggin tent with those pool tables has been there since I was five. And one of my closest high school friends, who then turned out to be a maniac who will be incarcerated until the day that he dies, one of my closest high school buddies, he would, as soon as we walked into the first, he'd post up at that friggin billiard tent and he'd be there till the sun went down. That's awesome.

Hustling pool all day long. I know this may be a little silly, but as a little kid, I always thought it was cool. All the accents, you know, these people travel from all over the place and they're from different places. Deep, deep south. Yeah, a lot of Southerners. You know, it's cool to see that or hear that in person. I mean, I know it's not politically correct anymore, but I never missed the freak show. as goofy and grotesque and

and shady and cheap and gross as it was. I loved it. Atheist Jesus, thank you. I had it backwards. Portland, Oregon started with Keep Portland Weird and then Austin, Texas. Okay, I had those two backwards. I knew there were two places that did it.

All right. So speaking of all that Midway type conversation, this doesn't seem right, here a doad out there in Australia. He might be looking at some time in the stony lonesome for trying his luck at the good old-fashioned shooting gallery. I got to make a note for myself here real quick. Sorry.

Dude might be going to the cooler for trying his luck at the shooting gallery at the local fair in Australia. Tim. His name is Tim. He's 48 years old at this point. He is. He's also an ex-con.

He's been in some real trouble. He's a known character in town, if you know what I'm saying. It happens. At any rate, Tim took his daughter to the fair. They headed on over to the midway. He tossed a couple of bucks to the Carney who was running the shooting gallery. And the gimmick was, I'm sure you've seen it a million times. You fire an air rifle at some plastic ducks.

Well, someone recorded Tim shooting that air rifle. The local police saw the video of Tim with his air rifle, and they went looking for him. They arrested Tim. Word is, firing that air rifle at plastic ducks violated the terms of his probation. Because of what Tim has been doing with his past life, he's not allowed to handle a firearm anymore. I can't tell you exactly what Tim was on probation for in the first place. I think it's fair to say that it must have had something to do with guns. There's no specifics here in the story, but that's painfully obvious.

What about the video game Duck Hunt? Do we know if he's allowed to play Duck Hunt? No, duck hunt. I don't know how much they spell out exactly the rules to if you're on probation, but I could see not even thinking about that. I wouldn't. Never even considering that. So Tim is looking at up to 15 years in prison for picking up the air rifle as well. as up to 10 years

for being present at a shooting gallery. Just for being there. Now here's the good news. The judge who's looking over Tim's case has already upped and said okay, this is stupid. So Tim's going to be all right.

I know I've said it before, but I always do like it when reason comes into things like this. Yeah, the judge said, okay, you know, I know you're a shady some bitch and you've done some things, but I'm not about ready to throw you into isn't over playing a frigging midway game with your daughter. So it looks like Tim's going to be, he'll get her done. And can you imagine, too, like, you know, they're calling it a firearm or whatever?

If I showed up to a gunfight with an air rifle, I'd get kicked out, right? You guys would say, what are you doing, man? Yes. That's not a fight. Right there. That should be the explanation for I can get out. Right. All right.

Yeah, let's bring that to war. You better not show up at our next gunfight with an air rifle job. Again, with the air rifle. Maybe you had to be there, but the reason I had to make a little note there, maybe you had to be there, but I have such fond memories of one night at the state fair. Jesus, this has got to be 35 years ago. Me and a pal swung by the shooting gallery. And this was the gimmick where you're handed an actual BB gun and you have to clean out that red star that's hanging on a piece of paper. Yeah.

Right. And I had never heard anyone say this out loud. until this very moment. So me and this pal of mine were getting so close to clearing out that red star and winning a Batman

strap on dildo or whatever the hell was it. Wow. That's good prizes. Yeah. Oh, you would have liked the Batman? Great. And my pal specifically was getting really frustrated. Game after game, he was so close. We keep throwing more money. And finally he says, okay, this is our... Last time, last time. I'm not going to sit here.

all night. The lady who was running the shooting gallery this evening was I'm going to take a guess, a 96-year-old woman. This was the oldest woman in the county in the year of 1992 or whatever it was. So my buddy again, he comes really close to cleaning out the red star,

but he just missed a speck of it. He slams down that BB gun and he says, F me running, only with the real F word. I had never heard anyone say that before. I'm laughing. I'm laughing hysterically and the 96-year-old lady was absolutely disgusted by what she had heard. Oh, no.

And she said, you two can hide here. She was disgusted by that, but she was giving away a Batman strap on dildos? Weird world, isn't it, Dana? No, she took that in her bat cave. I guarantee it. To this day, it's one of my favorites to hear someone say F me running, but in that moment, Josh, I had never heard it before. That definitely is a rare one because the only time I've ever heard it is from you.

And so when I... Is that right? I'm so proud. Yeah. When I use it in my daily life, my husband will call me out. He's like, that's gimmick infringement. That's a next thing. Well, it's not my thing.

Leave me alone. What about F me running sideways? Yep. Oh, yeah. Say that too. You can throw that into the... We're merging in one person. I think we are.

Some people have asked me like, seriously, is she his daughter? you got to tell me. We don't know. You're so like, it's possible. And even if we did know, maybe we're keeping it a frigging secret. Let's get Maury in here and get to the bottom of it. Ashley will be going through some blood tests one day and she'll look at the results and she'll say, F, me running sideways.

It's him. I'm learning stuff about guns here today. What do you know, Cubby? Whiscoe maple, and this happens a lot, all the learning we get to do from the All-Knowing Brother and Sisterhood. Wiscoe Maple Syrup Jesus said some air rifles are used to hunt. even big game. I never knew that. Well, not the ones that I bet they handed the dude at the midway.

No, I probably don't think those ones. I need more information on that. That's what? Sure, I'll go ahead with it. They're shooting rhinoceros with air rifles. That'd be embarrassed as a rhinoceros though to get taken down with an air rifle, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, you're the loser, for sure.

Taking one down with a good insult or something like that. Sports. on the 93X half-assed morning show. All right, Ashley. What up? Listeners are helping you out with some more F-Me sayings. Ashley mentioned a few minutes ago that I taught her to say F-Me running or F-Me running sideways.

Listeners have texted in some more options for you. I say one often. I don't know why it's come up. I don't know what's wrong with me. Of course, every time I say it, people are like, oh, I'll do that. Because I'll say, F me right in the face. And I don't know why.

It's just something my brain has put together over the years. Yeah, almost every single time people are like, oh, I'll do that for you. Sure. Thank you. You kind of opening yourself up to some harm there. Yeah, some people will say F my. Oh, yeah. Okay, here are some more options for you.

F me to tears. F me to Friday. F me seven ways silly. F me, Mary Joseph and the donkey. Mary Joseph and the donkey. That's the best. Did anyone come from a family where mom and dad said jump in Jesus on a crutch? Oh, yeah.

Nope, never heard that one. Or Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. Yep, that was another one. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. My folks would throw all those into the mix. I remember we got in a car accident when we were. My brother and I were little kids in the backseat of the car. My mom was driving icy roads.

she slid off the road and another car teaboned us. And I thought it was pretty interesting that in that moment, it's a car accident, right, on icy roads. Anything was possible. We could have been killed. But the last thing I remember my mom saying as she lost control was she said, jumping Jesus on a crutch. She could have gone a lot further than that because it was kind of a harrowing moment,

but she kept it relatively PG-13 for the young kids in the back seat. All right. We'll get out the way for Cubby here real quick. the unhoused athletics put one over on the twins last night. They had a hell of a good lefty starter on the bump for the athletics, and they beat the twins 4 to 2. And Byron Buxton might be heard again. Don't go anywhere.

Josh's news reports coming up next. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust standard heating. They're fast, reliable, and make it easy. So it's just one less thing to worry about. And if you've never tried them before, now's the time.

Get $75 off your first service or tune-up. And while you're added, mention 93x. Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you.

Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Mike Drop, hosted by former Navy SEAL Mike Ridland. How would you characterize your prowess?

I'd say my style is that I just kind of outwork everybody until I get there. Because I'm not a quitter. It's just you. And that's yourself. There's everything else to say. team-oriented. The motivation, it was a sort of anger at myself for being weak. That ends up being the driving factor. That anger, that pride, that ego, I think it's a muscle. It gets stronger.

When you take that voice seriously, you start to change your life. Mike drop. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. 93x half-assed morning show. Isn't that a religious show with all the Jesus and Jesus talk? Oh, hell no. Just kidding. They suck. 93X. asked me, you know, what I want people to say about me a hundred years from now, I want them to say, golly, she looks good for her. And she sure did. Dolly Parton, the country music icon, who went from humble beginnings raised in a one-bedroom log cabin in Tennessee to the height

of stardom and acclaim, died sadly at the age of 80 years old following a brief battle with cancer. Dolly's nephew confirmed her passing in an Instagram post yesterday. Hey everyone, my name is Brian Siever, and I'm representing the Parton and Owens family today announcing the passing of my Aunt Dolly Rebecca Parton Dean, sister, sis, aunt granny to one generation and Gigi to the next. Rest in peace, Aunt Dolly. May God bless Dolly Parton, and may God bless you all. She will always love you. Dolly was admitted to Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville early Friday with kidney and autoimmune issues, and she died in the hospital yesterday morning, just days after. she can'tled a schedule event at her Dollywood amusement park amid growing health challenges. She was set to celebrate the night flight expedition ride, but her doctors made her back out. Here's the message she left fans. I told you before.

Sometimes I get a little dizzy, and so my last boxer kind of clipped my wings, saying, you ain't traveled this week. You have fun, and I will have seen you down the room. Known for herself deprecating wit. Parton was among the most beloved personalities in music and music. beyond the rare celebrity whose appeal transcended generations, geography, and politics. She especially endeared herself to all of us bald fellas in 1998 on an episode of the Primetime Country Show when a follically challenged audience member stood up and asked if he

should do anything to cover up his high-definition forehead. I know that you have a lot of experience wearing wigs. Yeah? And I wonder, should I use Rogaine? Should I get a wig? Or should I stay the way I am? I think you should stay the way you are because just because you've lost your buzz don't mean you're not a peach. Boy, she's quick.

Her career was forever influenced by her upbringing as one of 12 children born into what she called a dirt poor Tennessee family. On a 2005 episode of the Tony Danza show. What? Dolly explained that all those little partons running around had nothing to do with being religious. People ask if we're Catholic because we had so many. I said, no, just horny hillbillies. She said that on the Tony Danza show. She sure did.

F me. Yeah, she's actually said that a few times over her career, something similar to that. Horny Hicks is something else she said about herself. In 1988, a teenager on Dolly Parton's variety show asked her for one piece of a life advice for the youth of America. Her double entendre response completely caught him and even herself off guard. Hi, Dolly. Okay, I'm asking you a question on behalf of myself and my school. I'm an editor of my school newspaper in Simi Valley.

Mm-hmm. The question is, if you could tell teenagers of America today one thing, whether it be advice or something of support, what would it be? I would say, act like it's raining every day and wear your rubbers. I'm sorry, but even my face is raining. That's what I said that. Anyway, I would just say stick to your dreams, stick to your guns, and just to have faith in yourself and just keep on. Stick with it, in other words. I didn't mean to embarrass you. In this clip, Dolly tells Jimmy Fallon a story about a time the unexpected happened when she went to dinner. We were having our meal, and this old man came over to our table.

And he sat down, and he was just talking to us, and we were all laughing. We didn't know him. And we just, you know, we were all just kind of, and then, so he finally, he left, and we finished. So I went up to pay the bill, and the man said, well, your grandpa left his bill here, too. I said, my grandpa. So that old man had come over and kind of scammed us. And so I said, well, that was not my grandpa, but I paid it, of course. So when we left, I walked down the street, and he was standing there at the light.

And, you know, we walked to the corner. And so I went over to him. I said, hey, I would have been happy, you know, to have paid your bill. You know, I said, but they tell him you're my grandpa, and he took his walking stick. And he started just beating me across the chest. I mean, just as hard as he could. Wham, wham, wham, wham, wham. And it hurt.

Oh, my gosh. I know. But then what, what happened? What do you mean what happened? These two big lumps came up and they never did go down. You son of a bitch. Gotcha. Great sense of humor aside, Dolly was, of course, best known for her music.

Parton got her start singing in church, where her grandfather was a preacher. By age 10, she was learning guitar and performing on local television. my uncles gave me the guitar. It was a little baby Martin, and another one of my uncles taught me how to play it. I just kept doing it, kept writing, and kept singing, and I just wanted to sing for anybody who would listen. That was my dream. In 1973, she had the hit which helped make her a star, Jolene. That song topped the country charts, crossed over the pop charts, and was later released internationally, opening up new audiences for the star. She expanded her stardom beyond music with her first major film role, starring alongside Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as office workers

who rebel against their boss in 9 to 5. In this famous scene, she threatens to shoot Dabney Coleman's nuts off. So you've been telling everybody I'm sleeping with you, huh? Well, that explains it. That's why these people treat me like some dime store flusies. They think I'm screwing the boss. All right, now, wait, let's just sit down. Look, I got a gun out there in my purse.

And up to now, I've been forgiven and forgetting because of the way I was brought up. But I'll tell you one thing. If you ever say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I'm going to get that gun of mine, and I'm going to change you from my rooster to a hand with one shot. Oh, good line. As for her iconic look, Parton said growing up poor in the mountains of Tennessee, she rarely went to town.

On one visit, however, she saw a striking local woman with yellow hair, piled high, bright red lipstick, red nails, high heels, short skirts, and low-cut tops, and was inspired. The most beautiful girl woman I had ever seen in my life, lived we didn't go to town that much but when I would I would go to see her because she had these long red fingernails she wore bright lipstick she had peroxide blonde hair wore tight clothes short and I thought she is the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and my mother said oh she's just trash she's just a tramp and I thought that's what I want to be when I grow up in her final

interview on Friday she told People magazine she was dealing with some health issues that she said she wasn't able to pay attention to because she'd been caring for her late husband, Carl Dean, who died last March at 82. Again, Dolly Parton passed away from cancer at 80 years old. What a glorious character that she was. We're going to miss her a lot. Big time. Yep. A Florida man led cops on a high-speed chase that hit 100 miles an hour, sideswiped another car, nearly rammed into a police cruiser, and assured his passenger, I got this. He did not, in fact, got this. That incident began about 10.30 p.m. Thursday when troopers spotted the man driving his pickup at 91 miles an hour on a Tampa area freeway.

They tried to pull him over, but he kept driving. He exited the highway, then kicked things up to 100 miles per hour while running multiple red lights and driving the wrong way. The pursuit continued. After he sidest wiped another vehicle, cops tried to pit maneuver, a pit maneuver. It failed. Feeling too legit to quit the pit, they tried that maneuver again, and it failed again. Again. At one point, the man decided if the cops wanted to play bumper cars, he could too, and he tried to aim at a squad car. He fared about as well. Eventually, the pickup was so damaged, the man couldn't steer it anymore, and he crashed into a ditch. Must have been a Chevy.

You said a Ford could have handled that abuse? Absolutely. He got out and ran in an attempt to play a game of drunk hide-and-seek, a game he lost, having been located hiding in some nearby grass. Sounds like a good way to get killed dead. His passenger, yeah, no kidding. He's lucky he's alive. Same with his passenger who pleaded with him to stop and let her out.

I got this, he repeated. But there was notably one thing he did not have a firm grip on his lunch. Police say the man was so intoxicated, he vomited extensively and was sweating profusely, I guess like a guy who just ran from police. Oh, no kidding. He lost his dinner everywhere. He just kept barking. I later admitted to downing a combination.

that apparently comes with unlimited confidence and zero driving skill, three shots of whiskey mixed with Coke, and he said he smoked marijuana earlier that day. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll give you the spins. Is that right, if you combine liquor? For some people, yeah, for me it does, especially if I have more than one hit.

Yeah, I'm going to throw up. Is it beer, too, or just? No, mostly hard liquor. Yeah, most people that like to drink and smoke have a moment throughout their life where they, like, they try to work on it. They try to figure out like what the good combination is, what's too far one way or the other. You get the right recipe with some experience.

Yeah, it takes a while. And you'll go through some interesting times getting there. I always assumed it was kind of one or the other. But it's like folks that just smoke cigarettes. It's like, ah, it's got to go together. Yeah, for some people it's like that. Now if I was to do that, I mean, if I was like drinking all day and then I didn't plan on drinking anymore and I wanted to calm down, then I'll smoke some weed.

But I would never, if I was planning like a drinking day, I can't be smoking. I'd be so tired. I would need a nap. Would you be barfing all over the place? Yeah. Yucky. A driver in western Wisconsin went from the fairway to the runway, racing passed an airport at twice the speed limit after a frustrating round of golf, he said.

A Barron County Sheriff's Office deputy pulled over the driver traveling 114 miles an hour near Rice Lake Regional Airport, where the speed limit is 55. So 59 over par. The sheriff's office described him as imitating the nearby airplanes, which is hilarious. Like racing the airplanes as they were going down the runway? They didn't elaborate on what they meant by that. Yeah, was he putting his arms out?

I like that, yeah. Friggin' golfers. When deputies asked, why the rush, the driver said he just walked off the golf course after a brutal round, calling it quits early because he lost every person. ball he brought. Just go in the woods. Apparently, however, he found one thing he could still hit, the accelerator.

With no balls, but ironically, an abundance of courage, he romoed himself, played a terrible round of golf, then made a dumb decision behind the wheel. In this particular Wisconsin guy's case, he quit the round and hit the road at 114. While we can attest that golf course can frustrate us all, we still can't get on the same page of going over double the speed limit just to get home, the sheriff's office said. Next time, take the frustrations out on the driving range, not the driving lane, they said. Or the dog when you get home, whatever. You take it out on the dog?

Sometimes you've got to kick the dog. You know what? They're so loyal. They're so that they just accept it. Hey, if this makes you feel better, buddy, if it makes you feel better. The guy kind of came off like a nine-year-old there, didn't he? A little bit. Yeah.

I was mad. Probably a Chevy driver, right? Probably. Jimmy Abbs already texted me. He's a Chevy guy. He's pissed. I do love that kind of thing. Jimmy Abbs drives his big red shiv and he thinks he's cute.

He's pissed at me now for making an anti-he'll suck it up. He's a tough guy. A 57-year-old Sock Rapids man decided Monday morning was the right time to test his inner arsonist. And now he's enjoying complimentary room and board, courtesy of Stearns County. Just after 9 a.m., St. Claude Police officer, were called to the Crossroad Center Mall on reports of a fire. And there were witnesses, Auntie Annie's, Orange Julius, and Mrs. Fields were all right there and saw the whole thing. When cops showed up, they found charred chunks of what had once been perfectly good seating

and learned that the real heroes of the day were random mall bystanders who apparently decided, not today's Satan. So they subarrowed a food court fire extinguisher and put the flames out themselves, before anyone in uniform even had to break a sweat. Turns out this wasn't some tragic electrical mishap or a food grease fire. Investigators determined the man lit that fire for some reason. He did? On purpose.

Well, he's going to have to deal with the consequences on that, I would imagine. Yeah, he'll be in some trouble. He'll be in some trouble for sure. John Mullaney turns 44 today. I'm hearing ads that he's coming to town. Oh, is he coming? He's got a rescheduled show? I don't know.

I thought we're playing ads on this program about this comic. Yeah, he's coming to town at some point. Oh, I can't remember when. I thought that was him. But we are running Ashford? Yep. People like that guy. The first name on my Chris list, the famous Chris's I have a man crush on.

The rest of my Chris list would include Pratt, Evans, Kringle, Hockey, Hemsworth, Lindahl, Jimmy Garoppel and Henry Cavill. It's a good list. Chris Pine, Chris Pine, he leads that list. He's 46 today. Home Alone Star McCulley Culkin turns 46 as well, and Melissa McCarthy, a decade-old, old, old at 56. Happy birthday to regular texter and frequent Jim Goer and the man of my dreams muscle dillf Jesus hitting 36 years of twisted steel and sex appeal.

And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder on the half-ass morning show. $140. To do what? He went to the meeting location at a trailer park in East Palestine, Ohio. Hey, I used to be out there. Oh, Joe. Before when I was in Cincinnati, Joe.

It used to be 40, Joe. you know, inflation. Let me tell you something. It's really free if you use your imagination and some lotion. That don't feel the same. You'll use your visual. As we welcome Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder to today's program, that right there was hilarious. Knucklehead, former NFL wide receiver, Chad Ocho Cinco. And I think also the dude who used to play for the Broncos, Shannon Sharp.

That was Chad Ochosyncho Cinco and Shannon Sharp giving their opinion on San Francisco. Disco 49ers owner Jed York, who we had a great time talking about yesterday. I told you this is the kind of story that gets me psyched for another NFL season. I only wish it would have been Ziggy. But did I get the right name? Yeah. Yeah. I only wish it would have been closer to home.

Yeah, sure. That would have made it just perfect. But Ocho Cinco and Shannon Sharp were talking about Jed York. Who, if you missed it, was recently caught trying to buy. skull from a trailer park prostitute for $140 in trade. What a riot. You heard Ocho Cinco there, he said. He noted what a damn shame it is now that trailer park prostitutes cost that much. He said it used to only be $40. Now it's 140. Inflation, he said. They'd a pretty spirited and funny talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. Then he had to get gross. He said, it's really free

if you use your imagination and some lotion. Lotion, what are you, an amateur? Lotion? What are we in junior high? You were taught that lesson once, weren't you? That's a true story. Yeah. Some gal came back to my house, we walked into my bedroom.

I don't know what we had planned. You don't know what you had planned? Maybe watch a movie or something. But that was the situation we found ourselves in. We were in my bedroom. And she noticed a bucket of lotion on my nightstand, which was not there

for masturbatory purposes. Again, I wasn't a junior high kid for Christy. Yep. Well, really, honestly, you guys, I mean, lotion? Sure. You got to be a rookie.

Sure. So, she sees this bucket of lotion on my nightstand, and I had just met this gal, but I had to appreciate the attitude. The first thing she said when she walked into my bedroom, she goes, lotion, what are you, an amateur or something? and I laughed my balls off.

I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not for what you think it is. What was it for? Oh, I don't know. I'm sure she believed you, too. Wait a minute. I mean, obviously I'm talking to a couple of amateurs here. You guys really know that there are other items that blow lotion right off the map

when it comes to whacking your bag. I mean, I guess we have to cut to the chase here and just be real about it. You guys are aware of that, right? Sure, but I'm just saying I'm not sure she believed you. Oh, she believed me. Okay. Because I got out the real stuff, Brad Ryder. Oh, okay.

I need a lot of it. Jesus. I mean, really, it's like talking to my brother's kids once in a while around here. The unhoused athletics. They put one over on the twins last night. That lefty starter for the A's, it was easy to see why that kid is one of their top prospects. He had some killer stuff. Yeah, he's good.

And the A's beat the twins 4 to 2. You know, and the sad part is that Tage Bradley is solid. I mean, he's really good. He does a nice job. Again, last night, no offensive help. He had 11 strikeouts. He had an immaculate inning. Nine strikes in striking out three consecutive batters.

He just did a lot of things well. Yeah, he gave up some runs, sure. But he didn't get any help offensively. And he's still stuck on nine wins. I think he's just, he's better than that, you know? He just is. Yeah. But here's the sad part, two things.

Yes. Number one, Buck has heard again. And this time, it might be something where he's going to be out for long, you know, if he's out for two weeks, they're sunk. That's not going to help him. And Cleveland is won six in a row. So this is exactly what we talked about, about four weeks ago is if some team took off and started winning games like Cleveland is doing right now,

all those other teams that are hovering at less than 500, they're going to fall. They're going to start sinking like a rock. They would have been the team I would have picked. In fact, I think I did mention them that they would be my pick to take off because they have the starting pitching that the other teams don't have. they have the solid starting pitching where they can go on a 6, 8, 9 game run like that because they can get quality start after quality start after quality start. And Texas and Houston are battling each other for the American League West right now.

So either one of those teams are going to end up as a wild card team that the twins will have to deal with too. So it's not that they can't do anything. They're three games back. It doesn't mean that they can't somehow turn it around. They do play three games against the Guardians in September, but things are not pointing in the right direction right now. Tage Bradley, you mentioned, stuck on nine wins.

Last night he did tie his career high with 11 strikeouts, and, as you already mentioned, he came up with the first immaculate inning in Twins history, struck out the side in the fifth inning on nine pitches. I would have thought a guy like Bert Blylevin or Frank Vyne, Or Johan Santana or Frank, how do you say it, Liriano, or some. But Taj is the first emaculate inning in Twins history. Scott Erickson, Kevin Tappany.

When you think about it, though, pitchers aren't necessarily trying to throw nine strikes in a row. No, not these days, especially. They're trying to fool you with some things, and they don't care if, you know, the count goes to two and two or whatever. So it is pretty rare if you think about how pitching, even pitching back in Byrd's Day, too, they're not necessarily trying to do that. Looks like the two clubs play another night game tonight. Connor Prelip is in the Twins. He is up next in the Twins rotation.

So a loss last night, and you mentioned that the Guardians are starting to heat up. Joe Ryan with that injury to his ass cheeks. And I've also heard some folks throw in arm fatigue, and I've heard some folks throw in back problems, too, that Joe is. There's a guy that they could really use, but there's still, there's no timeline for his return just yet. I don't, unless they somehow get on a hot streak and get themselves back in the same,

we may not see Joe the rest of the year. Yeah, maybe not. It's pot. Like you said, if Buxton's out for, you know, 10 to 14 days, he may not come back this year either. The white flag? Yeah. Yeah.

That could very well happen. But there's still some baseball to be played. I mean, they played division opponents starting on Friday. They had that long stretch against the white socks and Detroit. So, you know, stranger things have happened, but it just doesn't, it's not, pointing in the right direction. No, it looks terrible. They got it through the summer. I'll take it. This is nice now.

This is a nice story. Some lunatic billionaire bought the San Diego Padres. Doesn't matter who. But I'll say this. Just to say hello and make a good impression, the new owner upped and made sure every

swing and D on the Padres staff got themselves a raise. Everyone from the PA announcer to the dudes selling Steve Weisers and the upper deck to the new guy in the corner pukin his everybody got a piece of the action son well that's great can you buy our company

anybody can got a couple of bucks in your pocket you're good look through the couch cushions Dana that is really I mean honestly that is the opposite of what most ownership groups do and I know what you're going to say if I bring this up

But when, you know, A. Rod and J-Lo, as you refer to them, bought the Timberwolves, they stripped down a lot of the business side of the operation. Like, they let a lot of people go. And that's normal. That's what a lot of new owners do is they eliminate a lot of positions. And then they try to figure out, okay, how can we get by on a little bit less? Well, this guy just did the opposite. So kudos to him. What did you think we were going to say? I thought you were going to rip on me for being negative about the timber wolves again. Well, yeah, you really can't help yourself on that subject. No, I was just using that as an example because that happens a lot when new ownership. You're right, but you are obsessively negative about the timber wolves.

No, I just like to use them as examples once in a while. Negative examples. Yeah. Yeah, to emphasize my point, and it's not hard, but yeah. No, you're right, Brad Reiter. But you do have to get over it at some point. I'm over it. I don't think so.

Yeah, I am. Josh doesn't think so. He's calling a psychiatrist right now. I'm on hold. They put him on hold. I'm focused on my, the first day of school is today. I'm focused on classes starting today. Are you going back to work today?

Should you already decorate the class and everything? Oh, yeah. Do you do that in college? Yep. Well, being a sex ed teacher, what do you decorate the class with? Bananas and condoms? What do you think? Lotion, man.

I haven't taken, yeah, that's why I was questioning. Lesson number one should be lotion, Dot, dot, dot. What, are you an amateur or something? Because I got lotion set up all over. No, I'm kidding. That should be lesson number one. No lotion unless you're an amateur. I'll take my first day of school picture for you guys.

Well, that's great. Yeah, please do. I was going to say congratulations, but maybe you're not terribly pumped to go back. No, I'm not really terribly pumped. No? No. Even after the time off, you think you'd be just, you couldn't wait to go back. No.

That's not the case. No. No. Oh. Here's a guy that says, if Brad Reiter has got to get over this thing with the timber wolves, then I got to get over Shaq. Maybe it's time. What he did was off. Oh, the toothbrush. So many good things. He's a funny guy. There was a moment of weakness.

You know what? You know what? I'm trying. I'm trying. But are you really? I am. It's funny that this listener brings this up because we talked about Shepard. Shack yesterday the day before. And, yeah, it went through my mind. It went through my mind. I thought, should I let go of the toothbrush story? I'm

getting there. I am. Thank you for reminding me. That's very therapeutic. Thank you for bringing up the Shack thing. Tough one to get over. I mean, let's remember that he, what he did was he took his teammates' toothbrush in the locker room when the teammate wasn't

looking and he shoved the toothbrush into his anus, right? And then he put the toothbrush back where his teammate had left it and then laughed as his teammate brushed his teeth with that toothbrush, just to reiterate the story. Did we ever talk about somebody here claimed they did that to the boss? No. With his pen. I don't recall that. Oh, yes. Now maybe go ahead and tell the story. We had a boss that would chew on pens constantly. Yes, that's right. Yes, he did. And we had a coworker who claimed he did that exact same thing. And he lied a lot so it was tough to believe. But I thought, that's going a little too far.

That never happened. Now that you bring it up, considering the source, that never happened. Yeah. The guy lied all the time. There's a couple people here I can imagine. If they said it, I'd believe it. But I was always a little skeptical of that. Weren't you once a member of the Penn 15 Club?

Yeah. Yeah. You're at the Penn 15. Oh, lucky. I'm going to talk about that tomorrow. Yes, I was a member of the Penn 15 Club. Now, Brad, writer, and Randy Shaver, we have dedicated today's program to Dolly Parton.

we've spent a good amount of time this morning talking about Dolly and her career and what just a wonderful character she was, how we're going to miss her. Dolly died yesterday. She made a hell of an impression on the sports world as well as music and movies and her charitable angles. She was very well known for her Tennessee sports field. fandom, a volunteers fan to the bone. She would sing her own version of Rocky Top, the school's fight song. She sang it live all the time. Did you see this a couple of years ago?

I missed it when it happened. She performed at the Dallas Cowboys' annual Thanksgiving game. She performed at halftime dressed as a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Oh, I remember that. It became controversial for whatever. It became controversial. Oh, I did not know that. It was rude.

I mean, some people were saying, oh, she's too old to dress like that. Oh, F those people. People were going back and forth on the Internet about it. Shut your yaps. I totally agree. Totally agree. Let her do what she wants. You know what?

If anybody can pull it off, she could. And she did. She definitely pulled it off. Yeah. A listener wants to know, Josh, if you were ever a member of the P.U. 55Y club. No. I never heard of that one. I haven't either.

But I just did the math in my head. Dang it. Somebody invite me to that club. Penn 15. I got a Sharpie right here. He says, yes. P-U-55, why? How do you get in?

I should have phrased that differently. How do you join? Well, that takes a lot of the steam away from that Dallas Cowboy cheerleader gimmick from Dolly Parton. It upsets me that there were people who had to chime in. But of course, you know, we know what world we live in.

There's always going to be some J. Brone who's got to... Over the years, now ESPN has featured Dolly's music during Monday night football. In 20 and 19, you could see Dolly's face on the side of a NASCAR vehicle. Tyler Reddick drove his damn NASCAR vehicle back in 2019 with Dolly's face on the side. She is in the Tennessee Sports Hall of Fame in the year 20 and 20. They named her Tennessean of the year, put her into the Tennessee Sports Hall of

of Fame. And this is something that I had forgotten. There is a minor league baseball team out there somewhere who are called the Nashville. Well, I just answered my question there, they're in Nashville. They're called the Nashville dollies. And they wear ball caps with her face on it and this and that. To the day that she died, she supported her alma mater from high school, a school called Sevier County High School. Boy, I bet they don't have a large class. because she grew up in a dirt pile in the middle of nowhere's. But she always supported her alma mater when the girls basketball team won the state championship

a number of years ago, when their football team won the state title a few years ago, she sent them a video congratulating them. We've dedicated today's show to Dolly. You guys have any stories you'd like to share or anything you'd like to say? Because Josh pointed out, we've had a hell of a couple of years

when it comes to just all-timer icon-type characters falling out. Hulk Hogan, Dolly Parton, who, go ahead, Ozzy Osbourne, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris. We could go back a little ways and say Eddie Van Halen. Yeah. So this is an all-timer if the boys, either of you boys had something to say. Well, I mean, I'd just say, first of all, growing, I mean, I'm 67.

So Dolly Barton kind of grew up watching Dolly Parton. And I do like country music a lot. And one of the reasons why is just her influence, too. But when I was reading after she passed yesterday, great opportunities to read about her life, it's the philanthropist side of her that is so amazing. all of the things that she has given her money to, that has made such an impact,

not just in Tennessee, but everywhere. Someone earlier talked about her book club or whatever it is. Yeah, listeners were texting in. Her dad didn't know how to read, so that was very important to her to teach people how to read. And listeners were saying their children are a part of her book club. I had never heard about her buddy program until I read. read about that yesterday? Did you guys talk about that? No, go ahead.

She went into the local middle schools throughout her area where she grew up, and the dropout rate was like over 30%. I don't know how it went in this took place. I think the late 80s or early 90s. And she went in and she basically said she offered $500 cash to every student in those middle schools and said, if you graduate, I'll give you, you know, $500. But here's a catch. You've got to pick a buddy, and both of you have to graduate and not drop out. That's great. Because the dropout rates were so high, they were at like 30, 35% at that point. And so when those classes finally did graduate, the dropout rate went down to like 6%.

Like all those kids graduated from high school because of that. She's a special gal. Yeah, and some article, I'm sure you guys saw this too, were saying she easily, if she wanted to, could have been a billionaire, but she donated so much money that didn't happen. Someone just texted in. Well, they have a name. Bar saw Jesus just texted in, wants to know if anyone's done a welfare check. Has anyone done a welfare check on a fellow listener by the name of classic country Jesus?

I can't say that he's texted in this morning. He has. Oh, he has? Yeah, he's obviously sad, but he's shared his thoughts. He's doing okay. So Dolly's dad couldn't read. I knew she and I had something in common. Yeah, we're going to miss her.

Okay. There hasn't been a lot of talk, not a lot, about weird Quinn Hughes and is possible... Yeah, what's going on? I got something for you, Randy Schaeber. Okay. Now, I'm not complaining that there hasn't been a lot of talk about weird Quinn Hughes and his possible contract extension with the pigs. I'm not complaining, like I said a few days ago, wake me when it's over. I can't stand the constant updates.

Well, they said this, then they said, I can't stand it. Just... But there is a new... weird AF Quinn Hughes trade rumor. What they're gonna trade the guy now? What? Says here, the New Jersey Devils are pushing Bill Guerin

Horde to trade Quinn Hughes to New Jersey so Quinn can be reunited with his brothers, Keenan Ivory, Damon, Sean, and Marlin. Uh, so Quinn can be reunited with his brothers who are currently on the Devil's Rock. Jonathan and Drew Scott. What the hell are his brother's names again? Larry Daryl and Daryl.

Jackie, one of them's Jackie and Luke. That's it. That's it. Jackie and Luke. So lots of stories have been flowing in since the end of the hockey season that makes the pigs out to be the aggressors. They're going to make a push to sign the other Hughes boys in one or two years. but this here article says the devils don't play that.

They want to make a deal now. They want to make Weird Quinn a devil right now. What? Now they're going to trade the guy? Now a couple of state of hockey dorks here in town. Local writers have said this article is complete BS. Probably planted by an agent or something. They say,

I guess. They say, weird is all hell, Quinn Hughes. He is still likely to sign a contract here in St. Paul, by the start of the regular. season. But that one's kind of fun. Boy, that would pull the rug out from under a few some bitches in town. Oh, can you imagine? It's not going to happen, but it's fun.

What the hell? Who's, isn't that a television program you like to watch, Josh? Jonathan and Drew Scott, they repair the property brothers. They repair cars or something. What do they do? Cars. They can do anything. Do you know they're magicians?

They're talented basketball players. They're entrepreneurs. Is that right? They can play some hoop? Yeah. They can do a card trick? They're like legitimate magicians. What is their show again?

What do they do? Property brothers. What does that mean? Property brothers. Well, they're brothers, and then they'll flip properties. I shouldn't say flip properties. They'll fix up your property. Fix your house.

Okay. But they have a few other shows. My daughter made me a cornhole game with their faces on each board. I thought you were a fan. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't watched them in a while, but they're wonderful. All right, with that NIL gimmick and the constant transfers from this school to

that and then over to another school. It's tough to follow. I have no idea what the rules are anymore in college football. But over the weekend, something happened that's never happened before. A kid called Dayquan Wright, a former Virginia Tech and Ole Miss tight end who had spent the summer as an undrafted free agent in the Cleveland Browns training camp. He has now often gone back to college for fifth season. He's now set to transfer to Louisiana State University. It says here, never before has a player returned to college after actually entering the NFL, but Wright got set up for that after he won a lawsuit. Is that any different than Chris Winky leaving professional baseball after four years or whatever it was, five, six years, and going back to college and playing

college football? I don't know. I think so. I mean, different sports. Well, it's obviously a different sport, but a professional. Good question, Randy. I don't know. What do you think? I guess I don't know the answer to that. I had forgotten about the Chris Winky thing completely. I know the Big Ten has banished this idea and told, has said that you cannot go to professional football and come back and play college. But I don't know what the final ruling is going to be.

And, of course, college sports right now with such a wild west when it comes to NIL and transfers and money, who knows where the line is going to be drawn. It just doesn't seem to be a line at this point. So this right kid, like I said, he was proud. Part of the problem, too, Nick, is that the head coach at LSU is kind of, you know, he's trying to bend the rules, too. Is that that Kiffin douchebag again? Yeah, it's Monty's kid. I don't know. I wanted to bring it up because it's a, it's a, never before done kind of a, this right kid,

like I said, he appeared, he practiced with the Browns, but he did not appear in any of their two preason games. Had he made their roster, he wouldn't have been eligible to play college football again, but they decided to cut him from their roster. He'll reenter the NFL draft next year. And yeah, you just mentioned the Big Ten has said, yeah, we're not going to do that. Yeah. And I think you'll see, before it's sudden done, I think you'll see the SEC and everybody else say, okay. We have to draw a line someplace.

Wouldn't you feel kind of embarrassed going back to college to that point? No, because the money is there. No, I suppose. Yeah, it'd be different if the money wasn't there, but it's different now. He's thinking that's a way to make money for a year instead of actually having to work. Right. I had to consider these kinds of things, sort of similar. I had to consider these kind of things when I was told I wasn't going to move beyond ninth grade.

I was told I was going to be held back. And I thought, Jesus, how am I going to explain this to people when I don't move on to 10th grade with all my friends? Right in the back. You had that much fun, huh? And suddenly all the eighth graders are now my classmates the next season, not season, but the next school year. Too bad you're not a ninth grader now because you could have done an I've read stories about this, honest to God, where if an athlete is a certain age, if they're going from ninth grade and tenth grade parents will actually hold them back a year so that they can get another year older and bigger and stronger to play.

How frigging ridiculous is that? That is so ridiculous. You've seen those stories too as you, Andy. Oh, yes. It's just it's, I can only imagine their parents are nuts. Yeah, it's just a symptom of where we own. are in youth sports and everything else. I had the opposite experience because I was born on June 30th,

and the cutoff for soccer was July 1st, so I always had to play with the older kids. Oh, yeah. And it was like one day, so I couldn't play with my buddies in my grade. I had to play with the older kids, which actually probably made me a better athlete in long run, you know, playing against better competition, as they say. I do wonder, Nick, how you would have been treated. We had in fourth grade, well, he was in fourth grade. He got held back to third grade, so he was a year older than me,

and then all of a sudden we were classmates. He was not treated very well for that. Oh, no. But it was a very small school. You think I would have had to fight my way out of it? I don't know. I'm wondering. You had a bigger school and you're older.

I wonder if that would have been as big a deal. Yeah, me and one of my oldest pals, Tim, we were sitting in class in ninth grade at the ass end of the season. Again, twice with the season. Sorry, we're thinking sports here. At the ass end of the school year, Tim and I are sitting side by side in class, and here comes the principal, and he says, yeah, you boys aren't? You're not moving on.

You're going to be here again next year. And we said, well, F us running sideways. You're kidding. They said, no. So school year ended and never conjured up the balls to tell my folks. And then suddenly in the mail, I got that schedule for 10th grade. You know, they mailed us our, I said, okay, I guess they changed your minds on that one. Oh, man.

Because I failed every class. Every single class? Except for Jim. I was going to ask about that. Yeah. Every one. Every damn last one except for physical education. You just kind of slept through it?

I just didn't do anything, yeah. Speaking of the Cleveland Browns, that was the club we were talking about with that Dayquan Wright character. Their fans are not happy that Deshawn Watson has been named their number one quarterback going into the football season. As a matter of fact, they're so mad. They vandal. the Jim Brown statue?

Watson! Oh, no. It was nothing terrible, Rand. They hung a sign on it that made little sense, but... Okay, well, don't do that. They took it out on the Jim Brown statue, and a lot of people are saying, well, what the hell is Jim Brown?

The man is dead. Right, right. Yeah. So I didn't follow any of this, but when Deshawn Watson was quarterbacking during one of their preseason games, a home game, they booed the balls off of him. And then, is this guy just the biggest colossal moron of all time?

The position that he's in, off the field and on the field, he's got the balls after he gets booed by the crowd to call them, the media put a mic in his face, and he calls the crowd disrespectful. Yeah. There's nobody that respects you anymore, dude. Read the room, man. F, me, is this guy dumb? So, Brown's fans are basically saying, hey, look, we're rebuilding.

Put Dion's kid at quarterback and let us gut that out. We'd rather have that than this friggin. maniac 30 civil lawsuits are pending against him right now for how do you say it josh a sexual misconduct yeah right they don't want they want nothing to do with the guy he's not going to last long as the start probably not something's going to happen no he'll be he'll fail or he'll get hurt uh Sanders will end up being that quarterback until next year because next year's draft is loaded with potential NFL quarterbacks. So whoever's playing quarterback for Cleveland this year,

it's a temporary situation. Yeah, right. They'll draft a quarterback next year. Just the fact that they're naming him to start or going into the season is enough to piss those people off. Oh, yeah. If he wasn't making millions and millions of dollars, they probably wouldn't have made this.

Oh, they would have cut him a long time ago. Yeah, oh, yeah. What a nightmare that's become. Well, and think about the turn. trade that they did with, was it the Texans? I can't remember who they traded to get him, but they gave up a

ton to get him. Yeah. Right. And then he goes out and gets himself in legal trouble that just, yeah, it's a mess. Ah, man. And we think it's a big

deal with J.J. McCarthy. Trust me. They've got bigger quarterback fish to fry. No, I don't think anyone's arguing that. Yeah. So. JJ McCarthy might be a little bit of a dork, but at least he's not been accused of, yeah.

He's splitting time with Carson Wentz at second team. He may end up being third team by the time they announce roster cuts next week, and he may be gone. There you go. It is possible. It makes sense.

If Murray goes down, who would you rather have in there, Carson Wentz or JJ? I think Carson Wentz at this point, As long as he can stay healthy. Well, as long as they don't just leave him out there to die again. Right. That was kind of a crime. It was.

Like, KOC should have been held accountable for his crimes. Just watch the man die on the field in London. They just left him there. He didn't even get to fly home. I was all right with that. It was kind of fun to watch. Yeah, I do. Randy Schaber, what did you say a few minutes ago?

You're 67 years old? Yes, sir. That can't be right. Doesn't seem right at all. Because he thought he's older? No, not at all. Honestly, I wouldn't get it. I'm not, honestly, I wouldn't guess.

Yeah, I saw you on TV Shaver yesterday. You looked great. No, I thought you were in your 70s already. Does this inspire... Some mornings I feel like it. Let us know here, what can you still do athletically? Just think about that.

What I can still do? What can you still do athletically? That's a good question. Think about it for a minute. I'll tell you about this. lady. She's 60. Are you saying like competitively? You can play pickleball yet, can't you?

Yeah, well, pickleball doesn't count. There are 90-year-olds playing pickleball. And he plays in the beginner level, too, not the intermediate. Right. Again, let me imitate. This is the audio of Randy playing pickleball at his charity event from a month or so ago. This is the audio. Plink. Bounce, bounce.

Plink. Bounce, bounce. Plunk Bipidi-bop What did your sound like? Bing da-da-ding, ding ding ding ding Ding-d-b-b-bum-b-b-b-dum

No it didn't. I was hustling my nuts off. So was I. Oh, I saw you. When I was catching my breath, I looked over. You were playing with yourself. Catching your breath. Okay.

You're the one that quit early. You went home. I did not go home. Yes, you did. But I did quit early. That's right. We had a bar stool waiting for it. I went to a bar and I had something or another.

All right. Here we go, Randy. All right. A gal in California. She holds the record for the oldest female competitive skateboarder. Oh, that's cool. She recently competed in another skateboard meet or whatever they call it in the business. She is, as I mentioned, 66.

Judy Oyama is the name. She's been skateboarding since she was a 13-year-old kid. She started competing professionally in 19-16. 75. She was inducted into the Skateboarding Hall of Fame a few years ago. Wow. Impressive. So with that said, what do you think you could still accomplish athletically? Well, I can play golf. I'm not very good. But I don't know if golf qualifies. Josh, are we counting golf? Yeah, we'll count golf. I mean, golf, I would never walk 18 holes. I couldn't do that. Certainly.

What about like, say, let's talk. That makes me feel good. I still do that. Do you? Well, good for you. Oh, yeah. With my bag on my back, too. Okay, again, enough with the golf stories. What about maybe entering a, like, a YMCA men's basketball league?

Could you still get up and down the floor? If it was an older men's league. Yeah, 50 and up. I would try. Okay. I wouldn't be adverse to trying. I don't know how well I would do, but I would not be averse to trying. Good for you, because I'd have no chance at all to get up.

and down the court. He could jog down the court and spot up behind the three-point line. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would try. I mean, I would be a little, it depends on how old everybody else is because I don't think getting involved with 22-year-olds on the basketball floor is a good thing for me. No, no, 50 and up.

You know what? Physically, I don't think I could, I don't think I would want to get in the mix with that. It's just the running, the jogging, the cardio. I've got absolutely nothing left in that department. Now, what about something Dick Brayette? Bramer brought up for us a couple years ago, and this sounded just awesome to me. Dick still plays in this old-timers baseball league. Yeah.

Now, that sounds great. Yeah. That sounds. You should look into that, and I will too when I hit the right age. I will, too, when I hit the right age. I think I would be more interested in playing slow-pitch softball at an older than playing baseball. See, I did enough slow pitch.

I played slow pitch for 25 years. I'd like to play baseball again. Sure, sure. Oh, would you really? Overstorm. Oh, absolutely. I have a strikeout record in soft. I toyed around with that a few years ago, Nick. I know a few people who are in a 55 and over league.

Baseball? Yeah. That sounds awesome. You have a strikeout record, Josh? In softball. Yeah, at the plate, unfortunately, but I did set the record. So this gal, Judy Oyama again, the oldest competitive skateboarder. Hell, like I said, she's in the skateboarding Hall of Fame.

Cubby, she's in there with folks like Tony Hawk and Tony Alva and Stacey Perralta, Steve Caballero, Bob Bernquist. You can see her on 93x.com. She's got it. Jay Adams? I think, Nick, if you were to play baseball, I think you would be surprised how incredibly sore you would be after about two days of playing because you would be using muscles that you haven't used in a long time.

Randy Shaver, there's nothing about soreness that would surprise me. You would be in an ice bucket. Oh, I know I would. None of that would surprise me. I know how limited I am now. What's that? What position would you play? Oh, absolutely the infield.

In the outfield, they got to run once in a while after a, you know, a gaper or something. Where in the infield would you want to play? Middle-in. I don't care. Anywheres. Put me anywhere's over there in the infield. Take a line drive with a D like a man. Yeah.

I did the fantasy baseball of twins fantasy baseball when I was 30. I just turned 30. And I have to be honest with you, I thought, oh, this is going to be easy. going to be fun. And it was fun. It was a blast. But after the first day of like practice, and I mean, they practiced, I was so damn sore. I mean, my legs and my, my ass and my arm hurt so bad. I mean, you get over it after about a couple of days of being sore, but holy crap. So I think, I think if you were to do that, you'd have to kind of take. temper yourself a little bit because you'd be pretty sore.

So, yeah, I would love... It'd be fun. I'm trying to remember what Dick Bramer told us. What was the low end of the age group? Was it 55? It was at least that, right? Because I'm a month away from 55. Yeah, this league where I know a couple of guys that are playing it, it's 55 and over.

Dude. They can take a couple of guys on each roster. There's got to be some... 55, between 50 and 55, but the majority of the roster is over 55. My son plays on an old manned hockey league because they need goalies. And he's the youngest by, I think, 30 years, maybe even more. Yeah, there's a lot of – there's some old timers out there. I would love to find a wiffleball league somewhere.

To me, that sounds even more enjoyable than regular baseball. That was big for a while, wasn't it? Those wiffle ball leagues. That would be fun. I wasn't aware of them. I'd really enjoy that. We played it as kids. We just covered this not that long ago.

We played it as kids. I didn't know there were Wiffleball leagues. I mean, I've seen the professional one. You mean locally? Yeah, locally. Oh, I didn't know there was a thing. I would love to find one of these. Because I watch those videos all the time.

We even have one here. One of those parks, a Wiffle Ball Park like that? Yeah. A Wiffle Ball League. We had one for the station had, where I should say, the company, the whole building had it for a little while.

Yeah. Never heard a word about it. I guess they didn't like me around here. Out of desperation, and I played one game. Did you really? Was it terrible? It was fun.

Yeah, it was fun. Back to skateboarding real quick. And again, I can't help but mention this. If you haven't seen the movie The Lords of Dogtown, it's one of the best movies I've ever watched. The story of the, what the hell was the name of the group that they formed? The Bones Brigade. Is that right?

The Bones Brigade. Stacey Peralta, Jay Adams, Tony Alva. I'm missing a name in there. In the 70s, these were the guys that created the sport more than, really. Truth be told, they created what we became familiar with in the 80s ramp-style skateboarding. They started doing it in swimming pools. It's just a great story.

I have to see that. I've heard the name of the movie, but I don't think I even knew it was about skateboarding. It's terrific. There's a documentary, too. That's fantastic. as well. Yeah, I've watched that. It's good stuff. All right, before we get the hell out of here, the triathlon. What is that again? You ride a bicycle, you swim, there's some light yard work involved there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just do a bunch of stuff until you fall over. What am I missing, Brad Rider? You run. You shoot a gun. Right? No, that's the biathlon. No, that's the biathlon. The triathlon, running, swimming, riding a bicycle. Depends on the neighborhood. If you, yeah, if you want to shoot a gun during the How do you think I'm going to win?

Anybody in front of you, they're going down. Don't you dare. People are telling me that the group that those skateboarders created in the 70s were called the Z-boys. But didn't they end up? Well, Stacey Peralta created Powell and Peralta, the skateboard company. But didn't they all? Oh, Tony Hawk created the Bones Brigade. I remember the Bones Brigade.

We're on the right track. Okay, back to the triathlon. Two or three days ago. a triathlon coach in Georgia was a swimming in a river with his triathlon team practicing for an upcoming event when out of nowhere's

the coach was ferociously attacked by an alligator oh my gosh John is the feller's name John the triathlon coach the athlete athlete that has little to do with where I'm going next the alligator is what I tried to say The alligator took John's arm into its yapper.

Oh, man. But John was able to avoid the death roll and a slow, painful underwater end to his life. He went along with what he had heard on television. John, he thumb-effed the gator's eyes. It's always the eyes. It's got lifeless eyes like a doll's eyes. He thumb-effed the eyes of the gator, and it gave way on him.

Can't even imagine. I wouldn't have enough, like, presence of mind. Like, I'd like to think that I could survive situations like that because I'd be self-aware enough, but I don't think I would be. How am I supposed to... Only one way to find out, Ashley. Yeah. How am I supposed to thumb-eff the alligator, Josh, when I am screaming for my mother?

I know. I'd be trying to... Me too. I'd be trying to take myself out to end it. Good Lord. This John guy is a pimp. I forget, did he lose his arm? No.

I couldn't remember how bad it was. I understand it wasn't terribly bad as far as injuries, as far as what it could have become. He was able to thumb that gator in its eye socket, and the gator said, I want nothing to do with this. So the damage to his arm was limited. I think you're right, though. I would be crying and begging for my mom so much.

The alligator might just feel bad for me. Yeah. This guy's pathetic. I don't want to listen to this anymore. Yeah, okay, dude, fine. Now, John, you're going to like this. He has officially retired from coaching the triathlon team. He said, nobody cares about the triathlon at any level.

I'm not going to get killed for this nonsense. Yeah. Yes. I like that because usually it's the opposite, right? I'm going to get right back in there. It's not going to slow me down. No, he said, that's it for me. You guys are on your own.

One gator attack. I'm good. Football, baseball, baseball. Baseball, hockey, basketball, maybe. I'm not getting killed for the freaking triathlon. Look at the ratings, he said. Nobody watches it. Nobody.

So there you go, boys. I've never been the strongest swimmer in the world in the first place. I struggle a little bit with that. Yeah, I'm not the best either. I mean, like, I won't drown in a pool. I'm pretty good at, you know, basic swimming, but. I wish I could say that. Like, I can do, like, you know, the, I don't know what any of them are called.

Maybe, like, the breaststroke. Is that the classic one? I've heard of that one. I can do that. song again. Pause up, belly, face in the water. What was that song? Fish in the water, yeah. Hold on a second. Put your nipples in the water. There was a lady who sang us a song. Well, yeah, because I needed that a few years ago. Yes. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't swim for crap either. Right, Brad?

Yeah. When Rick's there. If you're new to the program, when Randy crashed his golf cart into a pond and almost drowned himself and a cameraman, we had so much. Brad was on the shore singing. Brad was there. I was one hole away at why. I didn't see it because of the hill, but I heard it. Randy didn't even realize this, but Brad was stepping on his head. Why won't he go down? We had so much fun with that. We actually contacted some lady who teaches children how to swim,

and she sang us a song that Randy or any of us could use to help us if we're ever in that situation again, how to paddle your way. I don't know if we still have. Comey up on your back, on your back, on your back, On your back. Pin up, tummy up on your back. Tows in the water.

Oh, I love her. She was awesome. She's the best. Wonderful. I need to reach out to her. She can teach my son how to swim. Yes, there you go. All right, Randy and Brad, you guys take it easy.

All right. See you. Hey, it's Dana. Smart Club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. When your AC isn't working, everything just feels off. That's why I trust standard heating. They're fast, reliable, and make it easy.

So it's just one less thing to worry about. And if you've never tried them before, now's the time. Get $75 off your first service or tune-up. And while you're at it, mention 93X. Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer.

Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. Mike Drop, hosted by former Navy SEAL Mike Ridland.

How would you characterize your prowess? I'd say my style is that I just kind of outwork everybody until I get there. Because I'm not a quitter. It's just you. And that's yourself. There's everything else is team oriented. The motivation, it was a sort of anger at myself for being weak. That ends up being the driving factor.

That anger, that pride, that ego, I think it's a muscle. It gets stronger. When you take that voice seriously, you start to change your life. Mike drop. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. The 93X half-ass morning show. You are, most of you are just wonderful. And we're glad to have you along.

We being the 93X half-ass morning show. You being the mighty and all-knowing brother. Sisterhood. It's the Wednesday show, and we've hit 830. You want to know where we're going next, Cubby? Where's that? Urban Legends. Oh, there's some good ones. Do you have a favorite? So you have to tell me if these qualify. Sure. The one where you're always supposed to check under your park car before you try and enter in case some ne'er-do-well is under there trying to slice through your Achilles tendons. I'm sorry, who's down there? Who's under my car? A bad guy. A neer-do-well. Or some rap scaly and a scoundrel.

Is that the word of the day? Sure. Okay, sure. I'd certainly count that. Along those lines, I don't know if this is just a Minneapolis thing. But growing up, they told us, hey, if somebody flashes your high beams at you and you flash back, be careful. That's a gang initiation. Oh, yeah.

So is that kind of something? I didn't know if that was just darned. No, no, that was actually in the movie, Urban Legend. Oh, was it really? There's a horror movie about all these urban legends, and that was one of them that they highlighted. Never saw it. You know what? I should watch.

That sounds good. Yeah. It was pretty interesting. Ashley, do you have a favorite urban legend? Yeah, I do. It's one my dad and my uncle would tell me every single time we had a bomb fire in the backyard. The one about the guy who had a hook for a hand and he left it on the car bumper. I loved that one.

They would tell me, it would just scare the bejesis out of me. I don't remember the whole story, but the hook ends up on the bumper. Yeah. Yeah, they eventually go look and they're like, oh my gosh, there's a hook here. Yeah, it used to be like pitch black in the backyard surrounded by woods when they would tell me that. I love that one. And again, I don't know if this counts, but. Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary. Sewer alligators. But I was more thinking of along the brights where there was like a lady driving. Somebody kept flashing their brights behind her. Oh, yeah. And she's like, what the hell's going on? And then she realized the person was trying to let her know there's someone in the back seat. Yep, that one screwed me up too.

Screws me up still. Here's what happened. Someone or another. Somebody. They did the work for us. And they researched up and down the most commonly repeated urban legends. They wrote specifically about the urban legends with pretty normal explanations. And it goes like this.

They say. Which is kind of a bummer, right? I suppose. When something is explained so easily, like, oh, I kind of thought that was. cool. They say urban legends have a remarkable talent for taking something mildly weird and turning it into a full-blown nightmare. A strange light in the sky becomes a UFO, a blurry shape in the woods becomes Bigfoot, which is one of my lifelong pet peeves. Will you friggin' gibronies, please stop with the Bigfoot. But we don't need to get into that right now. A weird noise in a sewer

becomes a 12-foot albino alligator, you get the gist. I believed that one when I was little. My uncle swore that that sewer alligator was the real deal. So, you know, give the internet to grainy photograph and three eyewitnesses and absolutely no additional information and suddenly we're dealing with a government cover-up. There's so much of this going around. But sometimes somebody actually checks and looks into the background on these silly stories. behind some of the creepiest urban legends are explanations that are surprisingly normal or wildly misunderstood.

There are some urban legends where the truth turns out to be considerably less supernatural and occasionally much more ridiculous. So I'm going to roll through these. Tell me, if any, and we've already covered a couple of them, Josh mentioned, Ashley mentioned. Tell me if any of these urban legends ever really had you scared. Starting with, this is one of my favorites. And a lot of movies have been made around this urban legend. There was one in particular made in the 70s. And I believe it was called Don't Answer the Phone.

He'll know you're alone. But again, there have been so many movies made on this urban legend. And I've always loved the story where the call is coming from inside the house. Yeah. I think I watched a movie that was literally called The Call is Coming from Inside the House. I believe it because so many. And I like that. That always freaked me out because I grew up after we got rid of the phone that was on the wall with like the spiral cord.

Are you referring to a rotary phone? Or it's supposed to. Landline. No, it was just a landline that was actually. The rotary. But then we ended up having like, you know, two wireless phones. And they were in different parts of the house. And so that always, like I was always afraid that somebody was going to be on the other line like a killer.

But that one's easily explained awayable because if you pick up the phone and you call the same number, you call your house number from one of the phones, it's just going to be busy. It's not going to ring. Yes, the babysitter and the killer upstairs legend. Been freaking people out for decades. It says here, all it proves is that apparently the scariest thing you can give, a babysitter is a landline and an active imagination. But I love that story. Love the movies that I've watched. watched. Okay, Josh, here are the sewer dwelling alligators.

I've never heard this one. I'm excited. Never heard the sewer. Oh, really? No, never. That was really common. Uh-uh. I mean, they say here the truth is a lot less Jurassic. Yes, there have been alligators spotted in the sewers in New York City. So maybe keep the toilet lid closed if you're in that neighborhood. But it's simply your average everyday little alligator. Oh, just the cute little ones? In the rare cases that it's happened, it wasn't the size of a bus and it was thirsty for human blood, you know. That was the urban legend that it just kept growing and growing and growing. Right, because of the chemicals and whatnot.

The legend that pop rocks and Coca-Cola could make your stomach explode. Yeah. I still don't mess with that. When we were kids, we were taught that. That doesn't seem like a thing to mix. I miss pop rocks. Those were good. Oh, they're so good.

It says here, all nonsense. Your stomach was never one soda away from becoming a science experiment. What about Coca-Cola and Mentos, like eating those at the same time? They don't mention that one. You drop one of those into two-liter and just watch it explode? Yeah, but what happens if you eat them? I don't know. Do you die?

Oh, you explode. You instantly die, a painful day. Oh, sure, I've seen the videos of the big old leader of Coca-Cola exploding because someone dumped Mentos. I don't think that would happen to your boiler, but I'm no doctor. The disappearing hitchhiker is one of those creepy urban legends that has been haunting lonely roads for centuries. This is sleep deprivation. Pardon me? This is sleep deprivation.

Where people start seeing these things? Yeah, these kind of things, like whenever they talk about seeing stuff like late at night on roads, like there's a, like people always claim they see a witch. It's just sleep deprivation. I've talked to a couple people that have been on the road. Like, I knew somebody that drove 14 hours to go pick up a puppy. So they drove those 14 hours, got the puppy, and decided to drive the 14 hours back, like, this same day, no breaks. And they said they started seeing, like, Clifford in the middle of the road.

And that's when they knew. A big red dog? Yeah, right? That's when they knew they had a stop. I can believe that sleep deprivation can come into play. Sure. I can freak you out. The guy had no breaks either.

That's a terrifying. Is this true? Fun size she's a second. like Bloody Mary. If you say Chris Lindahl's name, three times in row into Amir, another billboard appears? I hadn't heard that one. So the disappearing hitchhiker, Ashley mentioned the hook on the bumper, urban legend. I also really enjoyed this one as a kid. It scared me, and I was drawn into it, where usually the story is, Josh, help me out if I go wrong, you're driving down a lonely road in the middle of the night and you see a lady,

usually she's in a wedding gown or a prom dress, right? And it's cold outside and you get her into the back of your vehicle. You give her your jacket or whatever. And then somewhere along the lines, you look in the rearview mirror and the bitch is gone. Did you imagine if this was real? And your jacket is still laying in the bed. Yes. I swear to God, there was a woman in here.

I would lose my mind. I thought I was going to score. No. We're covering here some of the most commonly repeated urban legends. The ones who, the ones VAT were easily explainable. Next up, slender man. Oh, I love it. This is one of my favorites.

Now, sadly, I don't know if this is the liquor talking, but wasn't there a true story about some teenage kids who worship Slender Man. They ended up killing each other in the woods or something terrible. Absolutely awful. Jesus. Pauls. It's very, very interesting. Kind of takes a fun out of this one.

I agree. That's unfortunate that's all I can think about. I listen to a morbid podcast and they had an episode on that. And I mean, it's terrible, but it is really interesting what went down. I'm going to go ahead anyway. Slander man became this creepy internet character. The truth. about Slender Man, he was created in the year 2009 for a Photoshop contest.

What? Turns out the scariest thing in the woods is the internet. I thought it was like a creepy pasta story or one of those that started there, but maybe it must have been the picture first. That's the answer in this article that he was, some kid was creating a picture for a Photoshop contest and teenage kids lost their minds. Oh, that's a creepy kid. rats swimming up your toilet.

Yeah, better snakes, but the snakes have happened for sure. Says here, the idea of a rat swimming up your toilet sounds like pure urban legend, except rats can really navigate sewer pipes, and yes, occasionally make their way into toilets. What? Oh, yeah. Can I hold their breath? What's going on there? I'm not sure what their physical capabilities are, but I know a guy who up at his cabin in the middle of nowhere's with the shoddy plumbing and then this and that.

He sat down to take a deuce and there was a rat in there. That freaked me out. Now, this one is totally foreign to me. Maybe some of you, I need the help of the younger people in the mix here. The Mo Mo Mo Challenge. Oh, yeah. Uh-uh, this is very disturbing to me. Let me read it to you real quick because this is first,

this is brand new for me. The Mo Mo Mo Challenge turned one creepy sculpture into a worldwide panic about a sinister online game targeting children. The sculpture was real. The terrifying challenge, not so much. Turns out the internet can turn literally anything into a nightmare with enough reposts. So tell me, what is this thing? The Momo Challenge.

Essentially like a creepy figure or whatever. So like you would put on like a kid's YouTube video and the kid would be just sitting there all happy watching their YouTube video. And then boom, this creature person would pop up and supposedly would say like, kill you. your parents, kill yourself, and was like teaching kids how to like self-harm and stuff like that. Yeah, it was a big deal. God, help us. YouTube, right? YouTube kids, supposedly it even broke into that.

Yeah, I mean, that just happened to one of a Miss Rachel's videos that was going viral about like some dude that was like typing them and putting them online for kids to watch. And then at the end, he would insert his own video. And by that point, most parents are checked out. Like, okay, you're watching it. I'm going to go get some stuff done. You know, that kind of thing's gotten me here. Remember, Nick, we played a family guy clip. A scene we saw many, many times, and I got it off of YouTube.

It was just a spur of the moment thing. We didn't have the audio recorded, it came up. So I searched it. And in the middle of it, somebody spliced in all these F words and everything. It totally got me. I never even considered that. So now it's like you got to pre-listen to everything. I do remember that.

And that ruined your day big time, Josh. Because I felt so duped. I never thought that would ever happen. I figured I was safe and now I know. I remember listening, I'm like, oh, I remember this clip differently. There was no F words in that one. I watched this live on Fox, and I'm pretty sure there was no F-bombs. Next up is the legend that tells you that certain hotels, sorry, the gas has decided to take revenge upon me.

The legend where there are certain hotels out there where guests are warned. to never enter a certain room. Too many people have watched the Shining, maybe. A mysterious hotel room that guests are warned to never enter. Dude, I want to stay at a hotel like that. Give me that kind of, like, spooky vibe. I want that. It says here the truth is there is no single haunted room behind this legend.

Just a creepy story that keeps checking in. Josh? I get it. It checks. I mean, we've heard of haunted. hotels, the famous one in Milwaukee. They call it the Fister. Send your jokes to 651, 989, 93.

Where there's certain teams won't even play there. Excuse me, stay there. Yes, there. There are certain basketball and baseball teams. It won't. So there are some legitimate stories behind, you know, the idea that the building is haunted. You know, 88 people got killed there in 1723.

You see what I'm saying? There's some facts behind it. But the idea, They say, at least in this article, the idea of a hotel with a certain room that they warn you, don't go into room 234. Apparently that is all just... A lot of history in that room. We've been jaw jacking a little bit about urban legends. We've all shared them back and forth.

Here are more urban legends that have a very normal explanation. Explanation, sorry. Urban legends that have a very normal explanation behind it. the good news is Cubby you don't have to be afraid anymore thankfully because there's a normal

explanation now first off some texts have come in appreciate your text always on the Luther Bloomington Kia text line 651-98933 here's a guy who says I heard because we did cover

Bloody Mary where you say her name three times in the mirror she shows up she kills everyone in the room a listener says I heard if you say boner machine. Three times while looking in the mirror, nothing happens

until the next time you wake up and you'll find that you're wearing a hoodie and silly looking basketball shorts. Here's an interesting one. A listener says an urban legend that he heard when he was a kid was about the elevator.

I hate the elevator. Is it the one where if you'd jump it's going to fall? No. What is it? There's an elevator, Summers, and you get in it, and you press what floor you want to go to, but it does not follow your orders. The elevator

takes you to hell. I've never heard that one. No, me either. I don't like that. I just don't like them in general. I'll be taking the stairs. It reminds me of that great scene from the Amityville horror, the one from the 70s with James Brolin

and Margot Kidder. When that lady, they hire a lady who's kind of like a medium, is that the word, Josh? Yeah. Like a ghost whisperer type lady. And she goes down into the basement. And if you remember in the movie, the dog is constantly digging at this one corner of the basement. And the lady and James Brolin, they break open the wall. And the lady says, it's the gateway to hell.

And as a little kid, the way she said that, I ran away from the television. The Gateway to Hell! Oh, no. I didn't sign up for that, I said, when I was a sixth grader. Kids and animals do make some of those horror movies more freaky. I don't like the ones where they're kind of crab walking upside down. Oh, no. Climb walls.

When they do it fast. Too fast. Don't do that. The exorcist girl, she was very fast. Yes. Too fast. She moved like a damn bug. One of our listeners says, as a kid.

I read a book and it was called There's a snake in the toilet. You read a book called There's a Snake in the Toilet? Is it like a joking book? It's going to the bathroom. It was about a kid in an apartment who looked into the toilet and there was a snake there and it bit him on the nuts.

Anyway, this listener says that book scared me so much. I became a hoverer. Oh. It is a children's book, it said. Okay, here are some more of those urban legends with an explainable background.

The black-eyed children. It's always the eyes, Cubby, like a doll's eyes. They have lifeless eyes. I'd never heard of the black-eyed children. Supposedly the black-eyed children show up to your house at night, and they politely ask if they can come inside. No. The story can be traced back to a single creepy encounter.

So I guess somewhere somebody had children come to their door in the middle of the night and ask if they could come inside. I guess that part is true. Who knows? They were starving homeless children. I don't know. But it spread online and then they became black-eyed children and then they became evil and then they became this and that and this. The legend of finding a dead body hidden inside a hotel mattress. That's new to me as well.

I thought this some bitch was a little uncomfortable. How are you getting that thing in there? Now, versions of this urban legend have actually happened. One or two people in the history of time have found a dead human body sewn inside the mattress of their hotel room. You think you notice the smell. Yeah. So it says here, yeah, it happened.

But sometimes the urban legend just recycles a story that was already true. What else do we need to cover? Oh, Josh. Okay. Yes. I was going to say, while you're looking, I googled there's a snake in the toilet what the book is about. And it is a children's book. Yeah.

This is pretty rough. So a kid named Ollie Sullivan. He has a rough day after fighting with a bully. He got suspended from school and he was embarrassed because he was crying in front of everyone. So he went home looking for some relief only to discover a live boa constrictor resting inside his toilet. and so they say here it spirals into chaos throughout the entire apartment building is he and others have to try and deal with the snake. That kid had a terrible day.

Yeah, I feel bad for him. And this book was meant for children to read? They call it a children's book here, yeah. This one's older than the hills, Josh. We cover it every Halloween, and that's the idea of razor blades and poison being poured into all of your children's candy. And you have to open up every single piece of it. We still check everything.

blade and the needles and the poison and the razor blade. Aren't there like no documented cases of it actually happened? I thought there was one. Like one or two is just a couple. The arcade game that supposedly drove people insane. This one sounded familiar when I first read it, according to the legend. Polybius was a mysterious arcade cabinet that appeared in Portland, Oregon one day, and it caused nightmares and memory loss.

and hallucinations. And when you played it, the government collected data from the players. Wow, this is branched into today. Everyone believes that the government is following our every move today. This goes back a number of years

to this video game. The whole thing from top to bottom is strictly an internet, urban legend. There is no solid evidence that the game ever existed. I tell you what, the 80s movie, The Last Starfighter, where the video game was actually training to see if you could become the last starfighter. I wanted that to be real so bad, and I wanted to pilot one of those ships and take out the enemy aliens. One day, Josh, one day.

I have vague memories of that. Speaking of ships, our final urban legend that has, you know, a normal explanation behind it, would be another one that goes way back. And that is phantom ships on the ocean. haunted ships and whatnot that sailors have been seeing for centuries. They say the ocean has its own special effects department. You know, when you look out onto the horizon, you think you see this, you think you see that. You know, clouds and mist and the...

You've got scurvy. You've caught a terrible case of scurvy. You only have one eye. You've got a patch over the other eye. You've got a hook on one hand. They say, a wooden leg. If you're out on the water long enough, especially, at night you see things that aren't really this all the haunted ships thing you know how it goes

oh before we roll a listener has texted in this is perfect timing with the fair beginning tomorrow a listener wants to know will the hogbauer automotive boys have some merch available at the state fair yes today's program by the way is brought to you by hogbauer automotive third avenue and main street thank you for asking yes starting tomorrow at the Fair, if you swing by the 93X joint, there will be two different Hogbauer Automotive T-shirts for

sale with the slogan right there on the back. It's not how much, it's how much you got. And all of the proceeds for 93X merch goes directly to the 93X Half-Ass Morning Show. So thank you for asking and pick up your beautiful Hogbauer Automotive T-shirts or the brand new Half-Ass Morning

Show baseball caps. I'll be buying one of them. They're so cool. They are cool. I like those. Don't be surprised if after this year state fair, we go on vacation for a little while. Because we make some pretty big money. Oh, with all that extra money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that big money.

I've already spent it. Millions. We're putting in a pool on T-shirts alone. Very happy to hear that I'll catch up eventually podcaster, Jesus. He's getting a long weekend. Today is his Friday. Goat trucking Jesus says, quote, happy ninth anniversary to my beautiful pumpkin-ass wife.

And as we've been talking about today, RIP to an absolute legend who made the world a little brighter, a little funnier, and a whole lot more sparkly, the one and only Dolly Parton. 93X. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh.

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