93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Road Boner

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Originally Aired October 7, 2026: Burnt Cheerio. Fire nipple. Everything you've ever wanted to know about too much breast material!  Listen & subscribe to the show on the 93X app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Text the show at 651-551-9393. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys blow the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standardheating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93x and save a big double nickel.

Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Up. The 93x half-ass morning show.

Ninety-three. On to the next one. Life moves forward like that, doesn't it? Right when you get done touching yourself over how thoroughly you dominated a Tuesday, a Wednesday comes along, and you've got to do it all over again. Thanks, everyone, for hanging here with the 93X half-ass morning show. How are you doing over there, Josh? Doing well.

How about yourself? Another day of possibilities. That's what it is. That's exactly the way I look at it. Day in, day out, weekend, month in, year in, year out. Every day is a fresh possibility. I received the text message from a listener that could get us started here. 651-989-93-933.

551-923. Yeah, I think that's what I meant to say, but I've fallen short with that since we changed the number, and I apologize. They started off this text message by reminding us. They said, you folks have a road trip coming up here in the next couple of days. And that is a true statement. I don't know. Where do I have my, here it is, my border bash information, sure. Heading back across the cheddar curtain.

The fifth annual Brotherhood border bash, St. Croix, Tertil Lake, Wisconsin. We're heading off Friday morning. There will be no live program. here Friday morning. We're going to sleep in a little bit. We're going to drive to Wisco and then put on our very first afternoon show out there at the casino. It's all very exciting. Yes. So the listener texted in and said, you guys got a road trip coming up? Yes, we do. An interesting question he has for us. He says, what are you most likely to do while on a long road trip? I don't know if you define this one as long, but fair enough, you know, whatever it

is two hours, three hours. Nothing terribly daunting about that timeframe, but we'll go ahead anyway. What are you most likely to do while on a long road trip? And there are four choices. Number one, fall asleep at the wheel. I see, I've never had that problem. I used to have that problem when I was a young man. I had a friend of mine who probably, I don't know, I don't see him any, I don't see him terribly often anymore. And I wonder if he ever went to the doctor and got diagnosed with, give me the term, Josh? Narcolepsy.

Yeah. I wonder if he was ever diagnosed with that because obviously it was a real thing for him when we were kids. He would fall asleep behind the wheel on a 10-minute car ride. I've seen somebody who had real narcolepsy and it was kind of funny at times. She was very, very old. Oh, I can believe it. But she'd be just standing like kind of leaning up against a wall. all of a sudden she was asleep. She could fall asleep anywhere, anytime. Luckily, she never got

hurt from it, but you'd be in the middle of a conversation and she'd fall asleep, although I do that to people now and I think about it. You do what? I do that to people now. I put him to sleep with conversations. Oh, God. Yeah, you do. Maybe that wasn't related. It's not your fault. You just, you just have a bad habit. You just can't stop. Interestingly, interestingly enough, this childhood buddy of mine who had horrible problems falling asleep while driving as a young kid and falling asleep just about anywhere. Ever since we got out of school, his occupation has been driver. He's driven truck.

He currently drives the light rail. He became a driver, which I thought was a bad idea. this guy's going to take some lives along the way. But here he is now 55 years old, and as far as I know, he hasn't killed anybody. Must be the same, yeah, because I was when I was younger, but it was my lifestyle at the time. I'd be driving home super late,

and all of a sudden I realized, boy, there's a lot of tree shrapnel on my car somehow. Now, this guy was real deal narcolepsy where it didn't matter if he was, it didn't matter the situation. He was just prone to, weep, he's unconscious. So you were just running yourself down to the bones. It's a stupid schedule.

Yeah. All right. So, again, the question is, what are you most likely to do while on a long road trip? Choice number one, fall asleep at the wheel. Doesn't sound like any of us are prone to that. No, I'm not too worried. Especially that time in late morning.

I think I'll be fine. Get caught for speeding. We know your track record, Josh. But you're a very different driver than you were when you were younger. I haven't been pulled over since 1999. I almost never. egregiously, is that a word? Speed?

Egregious? Is that good enough? Okay, close enough. Yeah, I haven't got tickets since 99. Yeah, I think I'm good in that department too. Josh and I talk often about how very reasonable we are now behind the wheel when it comes to our speed. So I'm not concerned about anyone concerned about maybe getting caught for speeding between here and Turtle Lake, Wisconsin. Not until.

Unless the cop is a real big douche. Because I go four over. Again, my strategy is not to be a nerd. I don't want the cop to think I'm a nerd, so I go four over. Something tells me you'll be all right. I think I'll be good there. Four over. Okay, so it sounds like we're free and clear there.

I mean, barring, you know, some kind of freak situation where we go through some little town and we don't realize the speed limit is 20 and we're going to 31 or something. You know, we're talking about, you know, full on four alarm, just ripping down the highway with no regard for human life. It sounds like we're pretty comfortable. with that one. The third possibility sent in by a listener. Texting and driving.

Any chance that any of us will text and drive? Zero. Voice to text, perhaps. That's about it. Yeah, I don't pick up the phone at all while driving. Oh, oh, Dana was awful quiet here. I've actually got a lot better

about that. Wait a minute. You still text and drive? No, not anymore, but I used to. Oh. But when you say I've gotten a lot better about that, it sounds kind of recent. Yeah, it sounds like you're still in the process of eliminating texting and drive. I'll still look at my phone.

Maybe at a stoplight. Here we go. Still illegal. Here we go. Still illegal. So you are still texting and driving in a way. I check my phone. I don't necessarily text or anything, but I kind of look to see if anything's popped up that needs my attention, which is rare.

Nobody needs to get a hold of me ever. If it was somebody needed to get your attention, that'd be a phone call, right? Probably, yes, exactly. You've got to just put the phone right on down. Because what's the longest commute you think you have? 15 minutes? Yeah, about that. I think you can manage.

And like I said, I've gotten better, Josh. He's still looking at the damn. And the last option here, again, the listener sent in this question. And it's an interesting one. It's kind of got just a little hint of darkness to it, which, I like, right? The question is, hey, you fellers and ladies have a road trip here in a couple of days. What are you most likely to do while driving on that long?

They define it as long road trip, but it's a pretty easy drive out there to Turtle Lake. Number one, fall asleep at the wheel. It sounds like we all like our chances there. Get caught for speeding. Nah. No, that never was really my thing. Texting and driving. Dana might have some trouble.

Dana is at least in the running for some trouble there. And I'll admit it. I used to be, I mean, pretty reckless with the texting and driving. When I first learned how to text, Jesus, I was all over that pig for a while. Well, when you, it was the, I think it was called T9, when you just press the number a certain amount of times to have the corresponding letter, I could do without looking. And a lot of people are the same way.

You didn't even have to look at your phone. Yeah. It's much different now. I mean, you know, it's so easy just to use your voice. Although there's some funny voice-to-text trouble. Pardon me? There's some funny text. Yeah, sometimes like you'll say something that's completely different than what you said.

Sure. People think you've lost your marbles. Right. Oh, this is cute. Spitting cheeks. Splitting cheeks. Jesus texted in and said, don't you guys all ride together? No.

No. We live in much different parts of town. Absolutely not. It would be ridiculous. Even if we lived in the same neighborhood, we're not riding together out there. We're from a car people now. Nick riding shotgun as I play Blink 12 deep cuts and he just grabs the wheel and steers it into the river. Oh, and I'd be pointing out the fall colors.

Yeah. There could be some nice ones on the way there. There's going to be. Yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't make it too terribly long. Here's the last option. Okay. What are you most likely to do while on a lot?

long road trip. The fourth option is get a road boner. Oh, well, I'm safe there too. Well, but there's lady boners. Yeah. No, I don't, I think I'm good. That's never happened to me before. Never once got uncomfortably horny while driving? No. Even maybe leaving someplace where you thought, geez, I thought that was going to get

intimate and it didn't. No. Get intimate. I'm picturing us all driving together. And Josh is in the back seat and he raises his hand and says, can we pull over? And I say, why? And he says, I got a road boner. Road boner.

I got to walk this off. Need some fresh air. Road boner. Get a road boner. I'll have to say that that's the most likely issue that I'll face. If these are the only four choices I have, texting and driving, getting caught for speeding, falling asleep. behind the wheel and getting a road boner.

The question is, what's most likely? My answer is road boner. Yeah, it would have to be. Those are the only options. I mean, I know it makes me, and now Josh is admitted also, it makes us sound like we can't control our sexual urges, but of the four choices, that's the most likely result. I might get a boner while driving.

I would think if you were to talk to a state trooper, that's the one they'd want you to be having more so than anything. Hey, maybe they should put that on some of those. You know, they try and get cute. I made that sound demeaning because I think they do a good job. The signs over freeways. Yeah. Maybe they could say driving with the road boner?

Cool. Texting and driving? Not cool. You're the boner, pal. Right. You text and drive, you're the boner. When you text and drive, you are the erect penis. Yeah, all right.

I hope that helped you out. Help we answered your question to our. best abilities. I'll try anything four times Jesus said he has a road boner right now and it feels great. It's, you know, it happens. It's, and as most grown people know, it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. No, it can just happen. You just up and get a rod ski, something to do with maybe the blood flow, your seated position.

There are all types of things that trigger a bone on. So there you go. Mr. Brightside Jesus says that is an N-R-R-B, a no-reason road boner. No reason road boner. Sofa King Cool Jesus says, dang, I've already hit all those. Every single one. All of these he's covered so far this morning. Yes.

He nodded off for a little bit. Busy morning. He was driving faster than hell. Got pulled over and a ticket. Got a ticket, texted and drive. Then he texted his, lawyer maybe and drove away from the ship. Got another ticket, he says. And then he got a hard rod. Well, you know what should have been included into this series of options would be, oh, no, I had it and I lost it.

Oh, getting lost. Again, not that it's tougher to do nowadays. Yeah, I'm safe. It's just as difficult for me these days. You don't use GPS, right? I don't know how to use GPS. What happened to you, Ashley? So I haven't gotten lost in a very, very, very long. Oh, I still get lost now and again. I mean, not, you know, for hours on end. Oh, God, you know, I'm starving. Where am I? Why do I have a boner?

Yeah, but I still don't understand how to plug that GPS into my cell phone or my car video thing. What do they call that thing in your car, the screen thing? Yeah. So, yeah, I, that's still a real option for me. Now, again, here to Turtle Lake isn't the most complex journey in the world. and we're on our fifth trip out there this, you know, here at Friday, Friday will be our fifth trip out there in the last five years. But yes, I'm likely to suddenly look around and say, oh, Christ, where the hell am I?

I could do that Turtle Lake drive in my sleep, but I'm not going to. I'm not, of all the options, that's one of them I'm not going to do. Bear hunting, Jesus says, what about a road rage incident? Who here would be most likely to get in a road rage incident? Well, I run the hottest, but... I get really pissed, but people scare me because, like, they just don't care about killing you now. Yeah, nowadays you're likely to get shot for a minor infraction. Yeah, so I get nervous.

Believe me, if it was like, that wasn't possible and I wasn't afraid of that, I'd probably be very likely. Yeah, road rage. People piss me off like crazy. Road rage has changed. I come from a long line of road ragers, so I think that those examples have kept me away from it. 30 years ago, road rage was two shirtless hillbillies would get out of their car and have a fistfight on the side of the highway. Now, of course, as you know, it involves machine guns and machetes and anthrax and syringes and fentanyl. I'm, by nature, probably I run the hottest of the four of us, so I'm probably the most likely of the four.

of us, so I'm probably the most likely of the four of us to be involved in road rage. But as Josh said, there's something weird about my makeup to where I am maybe at my most relaxed any day while driving. And that might come back to bite me in the ass someday because sometimes I do get a little daydreamy behind the wheel, but I don't get aggravated easily. Well, I get a lot more aggravated here or at home, you know, by little things than I do while driving. It just isn't something that concerns me. Somebody cuts me off, somebody, I don't care.

You know, go right ahead. That's kind of how I am. I figure, well, they must have something important going on that I don't. Go ahead. Now, my twin brother, you guys know that we're alike in some ways. Our appearance, I think our speaking voices, this and the same. that. But our fuses

are very different. Like my brother driving is the most important thing that he does every day. And if anybody gets in his way, they are at risk. I'm very different in that aspect.

But I like that question. What else could we throw in there? Road rage, getting lost. Anyone here ever pick up, here's a text message, anyone here ever pick up a hitchhiker? Yep. Oh, no, not that. I forgot. You did.

Of course, a couple times. It's one of the worst stories you've ever told. Well, maybe I shouldn't say hitchhiker. Somebody who I thought was in need of some help. You were suckered. A little bit different. You were suckered. Yes, I was.

Absolutely. Yeah. I forgot about that. That was my first drug deal. I never. The first time I picked up somebody who I thought needed help. Never even considered such a thing. What about the rest of?

you is picking up a hitchhike. No, no, thank you. I would die. Again, it's not 1977 anymore where folks would just stick out the thumb there on the side of the road and they would get picked up.

There was... We didn't worry about it. We didn't know about serial killers. No, there was a time when you could legitimately hitchhike I bet you from here to Winnipeg in a day. I hitchhike.

Because people would just say, well, here's a raggedy-looking some bitch that could use some help, sometimes two cars would pull over, and the hitchhiker would have a choice. That's how loosey-goosey things were very different now. I hitchhike across campus once when I was in college. I was in Dinky Town,

and I lived on the other end of campus by Huron on off-94. And it was late, needed to get home. It was before Uber's. So I just kind of sticking my thumb out as I walked, hoping a cab would drive by. Some guy pulls up. He goes, hey, do you need a ride man? I go, yeah, I'm heading over to Melrose, the apartment over there.

He goes, yeah, yeah, I can give you a ride. Get in. Who was that? Just some random guy. Some dude. So I get in the car and he goes, yeah, so you're going to Melrose apartments? I go, yeah, he goes, do you mind if we take the back roads a little bit? I'm a little messed up right now.

I go. What do you mean? Messed up like high? Yeah, he was drunk at high. He goes. Oh. And I go, sure. So we kind of took.

And you still got in the car? Still got in the car. I was 21, stupid. I'd be afraid of. And he goes, he goes, yeah, me and my gal got into a little fight, needed to go drive around and just kind of clear my mind a little bit. I go, all good, man. Got me home safe.

Yeah, you. Please don't take it out at me? Yeah, Josh, in case folks haven't heard the story. Tell him one more time, although it's going to send my blood pressure to the roof because I just, I can't believe some of the things that you used to do. would tell folks again the story of where you were involved in a drug deal and could have very easily been molested. Yeah. All those years ago.

Or worse. It was a morning just like this. I didn't even consider that. Yes. You maybe could have been, you could have easily been killed. Yeah, easily. It was, I had borrowed my mom's green Ford Wind Star to deliver the papers. Someone's about ready to get a BJ.

I was in the. news media for a little while. Driving Mom's Windstar and you're on your paper route. I'm on my paper route. And I was maybe early 20s, 20-21-ish. And so I was on my paper route. A lot of paper route individuals are 12 or 13. Here you are in your early 20s.

Well, not the ones that drive around, mind you. But I did when I was 12 or 13 for different local publications. and eventually I was sought after by the Star Tribune. The news media. For my delivery abilities. Oh, they reached out to you. Yes, they did. So I just picked up the papers, and I was getting ready to go.

I drove right by my house, or excuse me, apartment. My apartment was in a crappy area, and it was next to the most scummy motel, like charged by the quarter hour. So it was not a good area. And this lady comes running at me, and she's all disheveled. I don't know, maybe 3.20 in the morning. saying, hey, you got to help me. You know, there's people chasing me.

I got to get to this other place. I was in Minneapolis, but I had to go close to North Minneapolis. So I thought, well, I got some time. And she looked like she was in some serious trouble. So I drove her over there. And all of a sudden, I was like, all right, you know, good luck. Hope things turn around for you. She gets out.

And then as she's getting out, the sliding door on the side of the minivan opens up. And about four dudes jump in. And I thought, oh, God, what have I got myself into? And these were, like, scary-looking guys. And she gets in the back. And then they're dealing drugs. And I'm like, well, great, I'm going to go to jail at this point. If they don't murder me.

I had no idea what was going on. So they leave the new gentleman, and she gets back in the front seat. I'm like, what are you doing? You know, why would you do something like this? I'm like, lady, this is the dumbest situation of all time. I'm driving my mom's minivan at 21 years old delivering the papers. And so I ended up driving her back to where she was. See, that's the part where I always blow up.

Well, I used that opportunity as a teaching moment, and I just told her, you know, what that did to me. As far as, like, this is the last time I'm going to pick anybody up, you know, thanks to you. I'm done with that. And was it really the last time you picked somebody up? Well, no. The second time was because I saw a guy get hit by a car and I took him to the hospital. Does that count? Oh, you're such a sucker.

Oh, and he was a D-bagged to you, too, wasn't he? Oh, he was a jerk. But I'm assuming it was the shock and embarrassment. You fell for the fake car accident? I need a ride to the hospital gimmick? Well, I saw that happen. I'm kidding, of course. And it was bloody, and he had a broken leg.

It was disgusting. That's how they get you. Anyway, yeah, that's the part that I always blow up at. When you still gave this woman a ride back to her original location. Well, yeah, it seemed like she was in some trouble. You know what I mean? She never was in any. You realize now that she was never in any trouble.

Well, it seemed like she had maybe not made the best choices at that point. and then got me involved, which it really was the last. So you still think that this was like a last second. She planned this the entire time. Oh, I'd imagine so. Yeah. She tried to, you know, there's nobody else on the road. So she just came up to, she thought, well, that's a nerd in his mom's minivan delivering the papers.

It's probably a safe ride. That makes me so mad that she took advantage of you. Well, I learned a lesson that day. Yeah. Don't do a drug deal in mom's car. Yeah. Poor sad, Josh. You're like berating her on the way back.

Well, I wasn't berating her, but I was telling her, I'm like, I definitely told her you changed me tonight. Thank you for that. Here's a text message on the topic of hitchhiking. A listener says, my uncle once hitchhiked all the way to a junkyard in South Dakota and then hitchhiked back. Why did your uncle need to so badly get to a junkyard in South Dakota? What was waiting for him at that junkyard in South Dakota that he hitchhiked all the way?

Maybe a specific alternator? What was going on? And then he hitchhiked all the way back. But like we were saying, in the 70s, that was so common. I mean, I even vividly remember, Josh, with my folks, you know, as a tiny little kid, like if we made a road trip to grandma and grandpa's house, that you would see, I mean, maybe a lot isn't the right term. but you would absolutely in the 70s you would see a few hitchhikers

along the way, a few which now you're lucky if you see... I've never seen one. Right. Well, it's illegal now, right? Oh, I didn't know that. So maybe that's a part of it. But back in the day, like between here and Lake Malax,

I bet we would see four or five different people on the side of the road with their backpacks, you know, with their thumb. It just was one more little... Oh, okay, so I'm looking it up. It is not illegal. I'd heard incorrectly. You just can't be in the roadway when you do it. Okay.

Here's one more scenario for us. People keep texting these in and we love it when you get involved like this. It makes the whole smear that much easier. Again, going back to the origin of this conversation, a listener texted in and said, okay, you folks are headed to Wisconsin this weekend. No, we are not all riding together. which brings me back to Josh and I always got a kick out of this little situation where when we would do a lot of bar gigs

you know it's 9 o'clock on a Wednesday night I'm doing a bar gig in Invergrove Heights and a listener would walk in and go hey man how's it going and I'd say hey thanks for coming out to the oh yeah I listen all the time and then they'd look around and say so where's Josh oh my god yeah I love when people ask me like where you guys are And I would say, well, likely at home, when we used to have the telephone line working here all the time, and people would call in, you know, to request songs or complain about this or that. They would call at 7 o'clock at night and talk to the night DJ and say, you know, I want to hear some Metallica or whatever.

And then they'd say to the DJ, you know, is Josh and Nick there or anything? Are they, yeah. It's 7 o'clock at night. Why the hell would we still be hanging around? You guys just live there? There was this weird idea that we not only worked together, but we spent every other moment of our day together. I can kind of understand that in a way.

Like I always assumed that with bands, right? That they're always hanging out together. When they go on tour, they're going to, their mall walking. Everything they do is together. I was surprised the first time I heard, like, wait, some of them ride in different tour buses? That doesn't even make sense to me. They must be doing okay, by the way.

It sucks when you learn that most of your favorite. bands despise each other. Oh, I hate that. And are just going through the motions. Because I was pictured... That is 80% of rock bands. Oh, especially if they've been together for a while. Right. They, you know, because think about when you were in garage bands. It's like your best buddies, you know, and you're together all the time anyways, and then you guys are making music together. So that's what I always pictured it.

You don't have gotten the way of my high school rock band. What's that? Creative differences. Okay, so one more scenario here for you. So the last one more scenario here for you. So the listener asked us, what are you most likely to do while on a long road trip? Fall asleep at the wheel, get caught for speeding, text and drive, get a road boner. We talked about picking up a hitchhiker. We discussed that possibility. Road rage.

Here's one more. Which of the four years are most likely to have car problems? Oh, probably me. Yeah, you just had one yesterday. Yeah, I've been having an issue with my stupid battery. Stupid, stupid battery. Yes. It's piss me out.

They can be frustrating. Okay, so you have your answer there. Ashley's got a stupid battery problem. Maybe I'll take my husband's drug, probably. There you go. I like driving that thing. I used to have. I feel so much more powerful.

I'm up so much higher. It adds an inch to your penis. Yeah. Trust me, I have one. Any other bonuses of your husband's vehicle? versus your vehicle. Probably worse gas mileage. Yeah.

I find some negatives. I mean, back when, you know, back when we were all young and drove garbage, yeah, it was a roll of the dice if you were going more than an hour, wasn't it? Oh, definitely. I don't know how many times on my way home from up north where I thought, well, I'd give myself about a 40% chance of making it home. Just get home, baby. Just get home. Blowing a tire, that's the most fun I've ever had. Blowing a tire at 75 miles per hour in a garbage Ford.

Child-upduction van. Yeah, that was... I'll never forget. Not in a van. I won't tell you the whole story, but I'm in my Ford garbage, sleazy, neighborhood pervert van, right?

And Big Al's in the passenger seat. We're ripping down 94, way faster than we should ever go in this horrible vehicle. And Big Al says, does it feel like we're kind of rumbling? And I said, what? And he goes, it feel kind of like we're kind of riding rough right now.

And I said, well, yeah, now that you mentioned it, and we were, we were kind of like vibrating a little bit as we were ripping down. And I said, well, do me a favor. Stick your head out the passenger side window. I said, the front, how do I say that? The right front tire, I said, it didn't look so good, you know, the last time. So I was like, yeah, I'll take a look. And he sticks his head out the window.

And then that's right when the freaking tire went, boom! Dang. I mean, it popped like a cannon fire. It was so, and then I did everything that you're not supposed to do when you blow a tire at high speed, Josh. I slammed on the brakes. Swerving. No, but we're fish. Overcorrecting.

We're fish tailing down 94 and 75. And I just kept waiting for us to just do the Smoky and the Bandit to blue. brothers, dukes a hazard, you know, rollover 76 times. Somehow I got that some bitch off the... I did everything you're not supposed to do when you could have scared the balls off of me.

Oh my God. Big Al's hair just went whoosh. I had the Tommy Boy thing where the hood flew up and got stuck so I couldn't on the freeway. So I couldn't see out the wind. Luckily there were little vents that I could kind of see out of the hood. But outside of that, I was completely blinded

for a while on 94. That sucked. We put on the spare tire, which was like undersized for the van, so the whole rest of the way it was like we were... Oh, my God. Up down, up down, up down, up down. We rolled into town looking like a couple of pimps. Whisko operator Jesus says that we have a better chance of hitting a deer on your way to Turtle Lake. That's for sure.

I had one try and take himself out in front of me today. That is my number one concern when I head out that a ways. is smoking Bambi because they have no fear. They want to die, some of them. They want us to die. Trust me, they're smarter than you think. So, yeah, you almost clubbed one on your way in? Yeah.

A couple times in the last couple weeks, I've had one that's just like, all, I'm going to end it all. The same one? Could be the same one. I guess I don't know. as a death wish. So anyway, I'm sure we'll make a little noise here in the next couple of days about the border bash. But we look forward to seeing everybody.

I'm not going to guarantee fun like Josh is willing to guarantee. Another day of possibilities, Nick. But we are looking forward to seeing most of you out there come Friday at St. Croix Casino, Turtle Lake. We've got to take a break. We'll come back here in a few minutes. Well, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming.

The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys blow the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standardheating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93x and save a big double nickel. Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great.

Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer.

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He's out of the building. We will take that fifth pick and we will surely turn it into something more valuable than nine ever was to this organization. The Jim Rome Show podcast. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Absolutely wonderful. The vibe in the room is solid. We're just trying to keep it going here on a Wednesday broadcast.

We've got the stupid news dead ahead. But first, as you know, if you listen regularly, I like to throw a few text messages into the mix here before we cut headlong into the report. We're having a conversation about our road trip out to Wisconsin come Friday. Out to the border bash. St. Croix, Casino. Turtle Lake.

We were discussing different scenarios that might come up on our trip between here and the casino. Car trouble, road rage, road boners texting and driving. No one brought up drinking and driving, and we appreciate that. We're not that type of a crowd. This and that.

We're not that dumb. No, people were asking us about different scenarios on a road trip like that. Here's a question, Josh, and everybody else. You all right? I was nervous about your question. I was going to clear my throat here, and I toggled my mic in the wrong direction. Here's the question.

Now, this is our fifth trip out to St. Croix Casino Turtle Lake, so we kind of know the route. This listener asks us, when you're on a road trip to a familiar place, do you ever take? take a different route, even though it might be longer, just for something new. Yes. I love doing that so much. I do that for very regular drives, but a once a year drive, no. My general answer is no. I stick to the same route. I like familiar things. I don't necessarily like to try new things. And I get lost quite easily. But you know, who likes to do this is my wife.

we make repeated trips up 169. And she maps us out a different route just for something else to look at. So I am familiar with this line of thought. My wife likes to mix up our route. My dad has always done this ever since I was a little kid. He would just randomly take a different way. and then he would point out to buildings that he helped build. Oh, so it's a self-serving thing.

Or he'd just be, or, you know, like, hey, I grew up over there, whatever. Yeah, I always liked it. My mom has done that, too. Actually, I've always liked that they do that. I used to do it when I smoked a lot of weed. I bet. Yeah, we used to call them who runs. So it was just like drive around.

A who run. Who run? Yeah, I've no idea. Meaning you were unfamiliar, so everyone you saw you would say, who? There actually used to be an area that we would usually at least drive somewhat around that. And we called that place like Whoville. So I think that's where it stemmed from, I think. So you just get high and drive around?

Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing that society likes more than a stoned driver who is unfamiliar with their territory. Yeah. Now, like, thinking back, that was incredibly irresponsible and sketchy. But it was a lot of fun. I like they have to think back to realize that. A lot of folks have been texting in about...

A lot of folks have been texting in about Roadhead and Code Browns. I don't know. No offense to those of you who are asking about it. I just thought we would maybe avoid the obvious jokes connected to a road trip. But roadhead, oh, always an option. Code Brown? Yeah, I don't need a reason. Not my problem anymore.

But, you know, thank you. If anyone else wants to elaborate on Roadhead and Code Browns, go ahead. Don't mix the two. I'll be alone. Oh, gosh. That's what I'll say. You don't cross those streams? Don't mix the two.

If you know Code Brown's coming, just politely pass on the roadhead. That's a wise piece of advice. I mean, I don't want to boss anybody around. That's just my advice. No, no, you're not being bossy. We did discuss the possibility of car trouble between here. and Turtle Lake, Wisconsin. And I think we're all pretty confident that we'll make it.

I mean, you never know, but we're all pretty confident. It's like 50-50 for me, but just get it. Right. That's where I was going with this. Ashley mentioned that she's got a tricky battery in her motor vehicle that's been given her trouble. Now, I did get a text message from the one and only Donnie Hogbauer from our number one show sponsor around here, Hogbauer Automotive, 3rd Avenue and Main Street. Donnie texted in to say

He would squeeze you in today If you are interested in having that battery Replaced if you were wondering What that might cost you He has one question for you And I'm sure you probably can figure out the question I like $12 You're just going to answer the question

Yeah that's all you got His question is How much you got Yeah I should probably get that fixed. Have you done anything to diagnose this? Yeah, I've actually, I've had it in a shop, and then I just like have asked a couple people, and then I asked the guys at Valvaline. And then one of the guys at Valvalin was like, hey, I have the same problem.

And I was like, what did you do about it? And he's like, I just kind of do what you've been doing. You just deal with it. Just pray? This doesn't seem like it's a smart decision because I'll just be like driving. Luckily, it only happens when I'm going like five miles per hour. like when I've been trying to go into a parking spot usually. My car would just like die, shut off, boom, be done right there.

And I'm worried that it's going to do that when I'm going at a higher rate of speed. Yeah, it doesn't really seem like a long-term solution there actually. Yeah, I'm very scared a lot. A lot. Here's this nonsense again, a text message coming in from Wiscoe maple syrup Jesus. He wants to start this little friggin, gibber-jabber here. He says, the only thing you need to worry about. about on your ride to Wisconsin on Friday are all the Minnesota drivers since all of you come here

on the weekend? Listen, Jabroni, yeah, we might come to your state and visit for the weekend. You friggin' whisko types come here and you don't leave. And you know that that's true. So many of you Wisconsin people, oh, you're so proud of your state. but then you leave it and live out the bulk of your life here. So don't start trouble. At least we're like a niece or a nephew.

We're only your problem for a certain amount of hours. Then we get out of your hair. Yeah. Then you can get rid of us. I did hate that a lot when I lived there on Fridays because there was like a roundabout by where I lived. And a lot of people would use that to go to their cabins. And that was just, oh, it was so busy.

Usually there would be absolutely no traffic because I lived in the middle of nowhere. And then it would randomly be like an extra 30 minutes on top of my commute. Was it Minnesotans primarily? Yeah, but I used to like play a game. So they used to, in Wisconsin they call us mud ducks. So I would sit there and go like mud duck, mud duck, and then a Wisconsin plate, I'd be like serial killer, serial killer. Just because you lived in Wisconsin for a little bit,

Are you allowed to call yourself or call Minnesotans a mud duck if you're from here? Uh-uh. They told me I wasn't allowed to do that. Yeah, I didn't think they'd let you do that. I think when I lived there, they told me after I lived there for like a year. I could say it, but it still didn't feel right. One more text message related to our trip to Wisconsin, at least for today. We'll probably bring it up tomorrow.

But we'll leave you alone after this. A listener went ahead with this text message. What do they say here? Not sure if you guys have said what time you will be broadcasting on Friday afternoon. So one more reminder. You'll hear some garbage, poorly edited best of type show live Friday morning. We will not be in studio. We'll be loading up our overnight bags and drive into.

And then we, how do you say it? We put on an afternoon broadcast from the casino. The question is what time? 3 o'clock, 3 to 3.15. Oh, it's actually a lot longer than that. But 3 o'clock is correct. We started three. Three to three.

Thank you for asking. Nice short shift. Hey, what's up? Thanks for coming. All right, bye. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice? In today's report, well, I hope we can get to all of these stories, but if we don't, I mean, no sweat, no skin off our ass. In today's report, we do have a couple of stories where someone's very life was saved.

You know, sometimes, Cubby, a life can be saved through the oddest of circumstances. Like, I immediately thought of the story of your buddy, Josh, whose wife discovered that he had nut cancer because she was willing to take on a full-on, four-alarm tea bagging while in the heights of sexual intimacy. She's someone who does not ignore the testicles. While he planted his gear on her face that night, she said, hey, that doesn't mean. look right. There's three of them. And it turned out that that third pill was a cancerous lump, wasn't it,

Josh? Now, you may be taking some creative license there, but essentially, yes, she found it in the mists of coitus. And the dude's life was saved. It was. Testicle was not. That's where I learned they can put in prosthetics for

gentlemen. Yeah. I didn't know that. I've heard it for dogs, but I didn't know that for people, they do the same thing. Do you remember how it works? Do you Remember how it works? It's permanently sewed into your bag? Yeah, he didn't do it, but they told us that, or told me, they said, did you know that they offer this? They're like, if you want, when we're pulling this one out, we can put a good one in.

Kind of like maybe what you need for an alternator or a battery, Ashley. And he chose against it. Thought it was kind of silly. Yeah. A lot of those nuts have to go, unfortunately. When you catch nut cancer, usually the easy answer is they cut one off for you, and it's fine. But you have another one? It's okay.

You're a little off balance for a couple weeks, I understand. Walking isn't that you're a little, you lean a little to the right or left. He still leans. And he was an older guy, too. I mean, usually they call that like a young man's issue, right? The testicular cancer. But he was in his late 30s when he was diagnosed. Yeah, that nut cancer.

I remember the first time I saw a guy that was running on half power. And it was a porno movie. I've never seen that in a, well, I guess. You're into chicks. though, right in porn? Oh, duh, yeah. Why would there be a man on the screen? That's a good point, Josh. Thank you. It might be just a reflection of one.

He's holding the camera. Yeah, it's a camera guy. This is when I was a young kid. I'm watching a porn movie, and I saw a guy running on half power, and I nudged the gal who was watching with me, and I said, I don't think he's going to make it. But he did. I was unfamiliar. I thought, that doesn't look right. So it is obvious.

I was wondering how much you'd be able to tell if it's... Yeah, yeah. If you noticed it, obviously, it must be. Just distracts you for the whole video. That's all you can look at it. Going back to what you said, Ashley, but what again would you say if you saw a Wisconsin cereal plate going on that roundabout? Serial killer.

St. Paul Lion-O-Gesus says, can you tell Ashley, Mother does not appreciate her calling us Wisconsin-type serial killers? You've upset Mother. I don't like that. Before we get going for real skis, and again, we're talking about a life being saved here, it's only right to dedicate this story

to some of my least favorite type of dudes out there I'm talking to you you jagoffs who get a rise out of twisting your buddy's nipples when they're not looking or you and your bros run around hitting each other in the penis for laughs

you're doing it all wrong God I always thought that was so stupid you're doing it all wrong that's not how bros operate I had the T word twist there somebody did that to me like 60s years ago at a bar. Maybe, yeah, about six years ago.

Did you beat them to within an inch of their life? I was just totally confused. Like, you're that type of guy? You know, dude, we're at our 40s at this point. It sends my blood pressure through the roof. I've said it before. I've never understood that nut tap gimmick. In my neighborhood growing up, that kind of thing was nothing more than a great way to get

your teeth punched down your throat. But anyway. It hurts so bad. What hurts? The nipple of the nuts. Both. But the nuts, especially. and it doesn't even take much.

So here's a guy who was unfortunately involved with some pals who enjoy all that touch your buddy's pee-pee silliness. But you could say that their stupidity did end up saving his by-dam life. While on a trip to Las Vegas five years ago, a feller called Robert. He and his bros were effing around, you know, touching each other.

Hit you in the balls. Twisted your nipple. Now, a frightening side note, these guys are in their 60s. But we'll try to get beyond that. It does add a layer, does it? Yes, it does. We'll try to get beyond how concerning that is

because we've got a story to tell here. I'll just go ahead anyway, but these guys, just on a side note, they're in their 60s. So at one point, one of Robert's pals up and twisted his nipple for him. And by God, it hurt like hell. And it didn't stop hurting for days. Even after Robert and his over-the-hill dork buddies got home from Vegas, his nipple, he said, felt like it was a fire.

He had a case of fire nipple. Robert went ahead and asked his doctor about his shattered ariola nipple situation. The doctor found a lump in there about the size of a pencil eraser. I think it's what they said here. And it was F and breast cancer. It's a tiny little. It was breast cancer. And it had already spread from here to there.

So the doctor sent him off to see a specialist, don't you know? Now, this is cute. Robert says that while he was a setting in the lobby of the breast cancer doctor, waiting for his name to be called, he says, they thought he was a lady, mainly because they rarely ever see a dude in there. Only one out of 100,000 dudes gets breast cancer, don't you know? you know a few years ago I found out

that a certain rock star dealt with breast cancer and that was a former kiss drummer Peter Chris really yeah yeah it's very rare and by the way some of you is when you hear the name Peter Chris you instantly think you know Beth or something if you've never heard an old Kiss song

from their rock and roll over record 1976 Peter Chris takes the lead vocals on a song called Baby Driver. A lot of folks don't like the song Baby Driver, but I think that is one powerful rock song. And Peter Chris just sounds like a wild animal on that record. So if all you know Peter from is Beth, try a song called Baby Driver.

It'll part your hair for you. But yeah, Peter Chris was diagnosed with breast cancer. So here's Robert's situation. He's waiting in the lobby at the breast cancer center, waiting for his name to be called. They thought he was a woman. So let's just say that Robert's last name is a Puddlord. So when it was Robert's turn, the nurse called out for,

is Mrs. Pudlord here? And he had to say, yeah, that's me, but I'm not a mister. I'm a missus. I just don't see a lot of dudes in there. Now, here's the good news for Robert Pudlord. He said when he got to the examination room, when they got him into the back of the building, He said there were topless ladies everywhere.

He said it was like an old episode of Girls Gone Wild. I'm kind of surprised they didn't have a little more privacy. So it says here, breast cancer does kill quite a few bros. Unfortunately, part of that is because we're dumb, stubborn bastards who never want to go to the doctor's office. And because when most men find a lump in their nipple, they don't think that breast cancer even applies to them. goes from bad to worse and then it's too late.

They should give it a different name. Don't you think? Like peck cancer or something like that. Man cancer? Mancer. Manly cancer. I've got some mancer. You just don't want to be accused of having a breast?

Well, it's just, I mean, there's even the doctor, the professional got confused by that. I'll tell you, some of my buddies have grown a pretty decent set over the years. They have. Hey, by the way, this is great news. Speed Parachises said she's 11 years cancer-free today. Congratulations. That's incredible. That's great news.

That's got to be a scary thing to go through. God, dang it. There's a word here I need to come up with in order to tell this story properly. Congratulations to that. That's great to know. It's not material. God, dang it. There's a story I want to tell you, but I want to be able to get it right.

Let me wrap up this story about Robert. So he went ahead and signed up for what they call here a lumpectomy. And things are going well for him so far. Back to what got us here, Robert can't help but credit his clown-ass pal who gave him that neeple twist, as Nacho Libre would say. He can't help but credit his pal. He said, I wouldn't have found the lump otherwise. And it would have spread like a basest. I wonder if his friend is a douchebag about it.

You know, just taking credit for it. You can't give me any crap for being the nipple twisting guy anymore. I'm a lifesaver is what I am. I would hope not, but there's always that possibility. Cesticular cancer, another possible name for breast cancer. That's good. Thank you for that text. Damn.

I want to so badly tell you this story, but I can't come up with the word. You mind if I search Google real quick? Of course not. It should be helpful at times. Yeah, sorry. Ooh, that could be it. Anyway, maybe I'll bother you about this later. Maybe I won't.

We mentioned that nut cancer a few minutes ago. It's not going to be worth telling unless I can really, if you don't know the punchline, what's the point of telling a joke, right? Yeah, that's true. We mentioned that nut cancer a few minutes ago. Now, the title... Of this here story goes like this. This is the title of the story, the headline, whatever you want to call it.

I only found out I had cancer after my four-year-old kicked me in the bag, Ola. And children will turn your nuts into a dust cloud if you don't keep an eye on them. They have no spatial awareness whatsoever. I only found out that I had cancer after my four-year-old kicked me in the bag. This is the story of a guy by the name of Becercer. Ben, over there in England, Ben says he was at home one day. He was just effing around in the backyard

with his ungrateful four-year-old son and up and out of nowhere. That kid just Booker T. Cissor Kicked Ben. Kicked him smooth in his little English pills. And just like our last dude with the nipple twist, Ben said the pain in his bag was old. overwhelming, and it lasted long after the kick. Also, he said, see, this is, I totally understand avoiding the doctor at every turn.

That's what we dudes do. But if what I'm about to tell you, if I had this problem, I can promise you, I'm going to be bottomless at my doctor's office by this afternoon. So not only did he not only did Ben have terrible pain in his nut sack, but he said the sack itself turned hard as stone. Yeah, I'm in the doctor's office. Yeah, what? He said it was like he had a shot put in there. Oh, my God, whoa, whoa.

But nothing ever changes. He held off going to the doctor, and here comes to cliche reasoning. He didn't think it was a big deal and assumed it would go away. I might I probably give it a little bit of time, you know, like a couple of days. But after that, I'd definitely be in there. Oh, that's a long time. I'd be Googling it a lot. Finally, he couldn't take the pain anymore.

The doctor gave him a little squeezy squeeze and told them that he had caught testicular cancer. Good news is they burned away all that ball cancer for Ben. The doctors, they burned it smooth up. I don't think he had to drop a gear. There's nothing in here about. Him having one cut. Oh, he just have to have, like, radiation or whatever. Off.

Yeah, there's nothing in here about him losing a pill. Now, do you folks know the signs and symptoms of testicular cancer? Size differences, obviously. Lump would be number one. Like if one ball kind of hangs lower than the other. Well, that's pretty common. That's common. Yeah.

So it's good. that you don't know, Ashley, because I've... I actually thought that was one. No, no. If there, if there, if one's... I think that's... I think most dudes have that. Yeah. They hang at different levels. Because I know that women do too, but that's still one, like... Women? You mean breasts? Yeah, like your breasts are usually, yeah, not the same size. I thought we're talking about something in the ladies...

But I know that that's still one, like, if you're like, all of a sudden, looking out in the mirror and you're like, that one is lower than it usually is. Weird. Here we go. if and you don't know the signs and symptoms of testicular cancer, let me give you a rundown so you know what you're dealing with. First, you limp to the side like your legs is broken, shaking and twitching, kind of like you were smoking. Your body's in motion.

It looks like a fit or a convulsion. Dude, I don't mean to interrupt. What? Aren't those the instructions on how to do the Humpty dance? Again, I'm sorry to kill the flow here, but I swear to God, that's exactly how you do the humpdy dance. No two people will do it the same. You got it down when you appear to be in pain? Yeah, that's a song.

Oh, that has nothing to do. Digital underground? Yes. Okay. Well, I thought the song was about testicular cancer, wasn't it? It could have been. No, it's about a dance. He's right.

It's about the Humpty dance, yeah. I completely misread those lyrics then. Okay, symptoms of nut cancer. A lump or swelling in your testicle? Your testicle, Josh, like Leon in the movie airplane, your testicle is getting larger. An ache or a pain in your testicle or scrote sack. If your scrotum feels heavy, firm, or hard, like your name was Jean-Luc Picard. You've got that going on.

A heavy scrotum? You have a very thick scrotum. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. We have it on a record. We do. We've got the numbers written down somewhere. We measured our scrotums here in the building 15, 20 years ago. And mine was repulsive.

It was unbelievable. So, yeah, that would grab me. A little bit of pain, right? We dudes, we got that for a lot longer than we should. My nut got a little bigger? Got a little bigger? What's the problem? I'm growing.

I'm still growing. This is what I'd probably tell myself. So what? My nut got a little. But if my sack got hard, like firm, like dude was saying, it felt like he had a frigging billiard ball in there. I would be in the doctor's office before you can say Jack Robinson. Yeah, that's weird.

I mean, that's, I don't, I've never heard that before. Never heard somebody say this happened to him. Testicular cancer usually only goes after one of your nads, but it can affect all three. These symptoms, what's it say here? Okay, these symptoms can be caused by, Oh, okay. Some of these symptoms can mean something harmless also. That's the worst thing.

So don't be terrified. About cancer signs, right? You look something up, it's like, oh, yeah, that can be like these cancers. But also it could be totally fine. Yeah, it could be nothing. But they say it is important to have any changes checked by a doctor. Or it says here, anybody else for that matter. Here, take a look at that.

Does that look right? Anybody else Here watch the show, Doc? Never saw it. Yeah, I love it. Fictional Minnesota Hospital or Minneapolis Hospital. Yeah. Yesterday they did a, they operated on a woman's heart

because she wanted to have sex and her heart couldn't take it. So they had to replace a valve. Oh, wow. 75 years old, hottie. And they, the doctor, the surgeon tapped on the heart and it made, he was like hard from calcification. Tapped on her chest?

On her heart. Because, you know, he's operating on her heart. Oh, he's got her opened up. Yeah, so he taps on the heart and said that's not uncommon for somebody of that age to sound like that. And I'd never heard that could happen. He was like knocking on a door. It was pretty gross. It was very crunchy.

And this is real? No, it's a fictional show. I haven't seen that episode yet. It was just last night's episode. Harden my heart. Who was that? Don't tell me. I'm going to harden my heart.

Oh, don't, I'll kill you if you tell me. Lady lead singer. They did a lot of saxophone solos in there. What the hell were they? They were hotter than Helen, like 82, 83. Quarter flash is the band, yep. Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show.

All right, here's the deal. Got a couple of sports-related items will blow through. Ain't nothing that's, you know, crucial. But I think, Josh, I think I've got that little story. together in my head that I was trying to tell about 10 minutes ago, but I wasn't so sure about the punchline. I think I might have had enough time to collect myself now. So I appreciate your excitement, Ashley.

What were we talking about? Oh, we were talking about dudes getting breast cancer, which is very rare, but gentlemen, you should, you know, keep an eye out for it because it can happen. I mentioned that some of my pals are growing some rock star jugs here over the last few years. It happens. We're all headed in that direction.

direction. But it brings up a story. So, I don't know, a year ago, a couple years ago, my wife was a setting on the couch, and she's making her way across that social media nightmare. What do you call it, Facebook? And I took a seat next to her on the couch. And as she's scrolling through updates and photos and whatever you get on Facebook, we come across a picture of four of my buddies all on some type of a tropical vacation together. So it's the four of them kind of in the pool kind of posing for a photo together. And I said, oh, cool, look, there's Ronnie and Donnie and Adolf and Little Frank, you know, all on vacation together. And my wife said, oh, no, when she looked at the picture.

And I said, what? And she goes, I'm seeing a lot of breast material there. And I said, well, what the hell kind of comment is that? Breast material. Didn't she also? She's awesome. She's into health and everything. I thought she told you you got to stay away from a few of these things because it can cause the breast material.

I don't remember that one. Some chemicals. I don't remember that. Yeah, I'll have to. I remember. I don't want to bust any brands, but I remember her talking about it. So here's Ronnie and Donnie and Adolf and Little Frank having the time of their lives down in Mazatlan or whatever. You know, I was seeing.

Happiness. Yeah, look at the hat. Look at the boys. You're having a good time. Oh, oh, no. I'm seeing a lot of breast material. I said, well, show me your breast material. here right. We got to

we're talking about the nipple twisting. Neeple twist. A female listener text in and said her boyfriend does that to her all the time and not like in the midst of some sexual play. Just kind of walk up to her and twist that thing. And now

she's very sensitive. My wife would punch me in the face. Yeah, dude. I would get punched so hard. Anytime this woman you're referring to any time she's anywhere near her husband, she flinches. She might be in some trouble. Hey, the pigs are no longer perfect.

This and that happened in the big league playoffs last night. We'll cover it all when Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder become our problem in about a half hour. Until then, Josh has a glorious news report for you coming up next. Well, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out,

Boys blow the belt, shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standard heating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93x and save a big double nickel. Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great.

Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees. Maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation.

benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-L-K-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law. And it spells relief for you. The games just ended.

The conversation starts now. The NFL Digital Reaction Show. And without further ado, Player of the Day, play of the day, game of the day, team of the day, and the fan of the day

in the NFL. No wait, no breaks, no time to waste. It's NFL Instant Graham with Josh Graham, live Sundays at 7 p.m. Eastern on YouTube, and listen any time on your favorite platform. The X-Hapass Morning Show. Note to self, remember no matter how bad life gets, there is always beer. Note to self, making love to blow up doll, not as good as advertised. Note to self, remember to get ass-wark cream for giant wart on my ass. Note to self. Note to sell. cancel summer vacation plans in Alabama, find state more accommodating to the Norm McDonald lifestyle. Note to self, do not post anything bad about Norm McDonald.

All Patrick Tomlinson did was say he didn't find Norm McDonald funny. Nearly four years later, he was asleep in bed, naked, gross, when heavily armed police showed up to deal with a hostage situation at his home that didn't exist. It was 1 a.m. July 25th, 2022. Someone called in the report to this Milwaukee home that he shares with his wife, Nikki. Tomlinson, a science fiction writer and comedian, hadn't committed a crime. He traces his troubles back to a social media post from 2018. That September, he wrote,

Hot Take, I've never found Norm MacDonald funny, and was pretty sure all my comedy friends who did were either nuts or screwing with me. After that, he says, came years. of online harassment, eventually it escalated into swatting, sometimes multiple times per day. It's bending an exhausting ordeal for him and his wife, he said. That makes a lot of sense, right? Because he ripped on a comedian.

Over the next two and a half years, the couple were swatted 55 times. Jesus. Even though they kept explaining their situation to the Milwaukee Police Department. Tomlinson said some of the officers who answered the hoax calls were professional and sympathetic, others, quote, much less so, he added. The couple just filed a federal civil rights lawsuit against the city of Milwaukee over the police department's response and secured $575,000 bucks in a settlement after cops repeatedly

raided their home despite, quote, knowing the calls were targeted hoaxes. 55 times in a year, you said, right? Within a few years. Oh, I was like, dude, that's one. I'm surprised. I'm surprised somebody didn't end up getting killed. Well, that's one of the things they said, too. How can you do that to someone?

After like the 10th time, why'd they keep showing up? Weird. Well, that's part of the lawsuit. Why did who keep showing up? Like the SWAT. And that was part of it. Yeah, because that's the same. Well, they have to take everything seriously, right?

Right, and that's kind of what the cop said. So they haven't admitted any wrongdoing. They said, you know, we did what we're supposed to do. We get a call like this. We thought we were saving lives. The couple thinks a little bit differently on that. I mean, he said there's like times he's pulled out in his front yard. In one case, like you heard there,

He was naked. His neighbors are running around, wonder what that's going on. So I'll say it again, isn't that social media? It's just great. Wasn't that a great idea? Yeah, good call. And again, you know, he just had an opinion people didn't like. It's unbelievable. On a comedian, and then this happened. And it certainly could have led to an officer or that couple or somebody else. I mean, he was very wrong because Norm McDonald was hilarious, but I think he probably deserved one or two swats, not 55. A new documentary called Norm the Tale of Norm MacDonald premieres on Netflix next Friday the 16th. I can't wait for that.

Yeah, I'll be watching. I'll be crying the entire time. I don't have an opinion on it. Smart. Just playing this one safe. Yeah, that's the way to go. Somebody's going to docks you if you say something bad about a comedian. Russian agents have been accused of using some of the foulest dirty tricks imaginable

after a string of eerie break-ins at the homes of Finnish politicians. There's a bizarre campaign targeting them with intimidation, break-ins, and at least one disturbing case blowing up a bathroom. And by blowing up, I mean, someone took a nasty dump and left the poopie in the potty. At least 20 lawmakers have been hit by these strange and icky home invasions with intruders apparently moving personal items, leaving lights on, and even leaving doors wide open,

basically making dang sure the homeowners knew somebody had been there. The disturbing campaign flushed into public view when word got out one lawmaker came home to find an unflushed human feces waiting in the toilet, leaving the Finnish official to wonder just what the hell sinky's going on. What's wrong with you? And where did he put the air freshener? The break-in stretched over several months. Some allege they're part of a Russian hybrid warfare intimidation campaign.

Wow. aimed at Finland for its staunch anti-Pooten stance, whose operatives are really stressing the P.U. in Putin. It's a way for the Russian intelligence service to show people are being monitored, a way to create confusion or concerns, one lawmakers said. Western intelligence officials have long noted that covert home intrusions meant to leave unsettling markers are a classic Cold War era tactic, historically linked to Russian security services, meaning chapter one of the Russian spy playbook is number two, a tactical toolkit relying heavily on dirty tricks, dire threats, and dumped turds. Turns out that tactic has a track record. Past reported examples, including agents crapping in a senior U.S. official's suitcase in 2023, and leaving unflush deposits on display in the apartment of a former BBC Russian correspondent.

For many lawmakers, the message behind the intrusions appear clear. You're being watched and nowhere is off limits, not even the sanctity of your toilet. Finland's finest are now officially on the do-do detail. The investigation is being led by the highest level of Finland's political system. In fact, the Speaker of the Finnish Parliament announced he's launched an investigation into what he described as the significant series of break-ins. And the country's Prime Minister had said it's very possible. and quite likely in these times a foreign power is behind the harassment, warning any attempt to destabilize Finland or weaken its resolved would backfire

and only strengthen domestic unity. Sometimes it's hard to believe this is real life. We'll show them. I'm going to leave my poop in the toilet. I mean, at least they're doing it in the toilet. Well, the suitcase in the 2023 incident. Just the fact that they're entering your home. Correct?

Leaving the lights on. I mean, all stuff you yell at your kids about, really. That's what they're doing. Someone in St. Paul appears to have developed a very specific hobby, throwing lime scooters off a bridge. I heard about this. No. It turns out officers already had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

They're aware that an unknown suspect had been pushing lime scooters and then throwing them off the bridge into the Mississippi in recent days. In fact, as many as 100 scooters have been reported missing. Oh, my. He hates him. I love this dude. Just like... Are she?

Seth Rogen? Yeah, Seth Rogen in Platonic. Yes, I love that bit. I love that he did that. St. Paul Police responded about 4.39 p.m. to the area of Wabashaw Street in Kellogg Boulevard, where the suspect was seen pushing a scooter. As officers detained the man on site, the department's real-time information center, flagged video footage, showing him hurling two of the scooters over the west side of the Wabashaw Bridge

just minutes earlier. And those splashes add up fast. Each lime scooter carries a price tag of $1,365. Wow. Putting the immediate damage of the observed incident at more than $2,600. A 39-year-old man is now charged with first-degree damage to property after he was the one accused of giving lime scooters a one-way trip into the Mississippi. So if you're wondering who put the lime in the Mississippi, it was a local net, and police scooped them all up. Dude, I haven't. I used to sing the song as a kid all the time.

The case may not end there, according to the complaint and investigation into the man's involvement in the loss of other scooters is ongoing. I love lime scooters, but I bet it was pretty satisfying to throw an into the river. It sounds fun. It kind of does. Ill-advised for sure, but I bet it would. be fun in the moment. If you thought high school was terrifying, Prime Video is here to remind you it could always be worse.

Today, the Amazon streamer released a new and updated limited series based on Stephen King's first ever novel, Carrie. Most of us already know the story. A sheltered girl with telekinetic gifts attends public school for the first time, gets bullied, relentlessly, and eventually unleashes the full breath of her powers on unsuspecting classmates. The eight-episode Prime Video Series follows those same basic themes but tweaks a lot of the little details. Oh, yeah? Well, since quite a bit's changed since Stephen King wrote about the high school experience in 1974. I suppose.

So the producers, including King himself, modernized the setting for a contemporary audience. I love the original, one of my favorite movies of all time. I saw the remake, a little bit of the remake the other day because, you know, all my garbage cable channels, whatever you call it, whatever. system. I have a lot of television channels are starting to play the scary movies now. So I saw a little bit of the remake from, I think it was seven, eight years ago. Boy, that, that version blows. I turned that off. It's terrible.

I turned that off. It's just the everything about it sucks. But I love the original. You can stream Carrie on Prime Video today with all eight episodes available all at once. Specifically, Travolta rules in that movie. He's great. I didn't think he'd be capable of being a. hateable character when that first came out, you know, because he was Vinnie Bobarino, for Christ's sake, on Welcome Back Cotter. He was Danny Zucco in Greece. And then I thought, he's going to play the heel and carry, but he nailed it. There's several season premieres tonight, including Abbott Elementary on ABC.

Heck yeah. Then on NBC, the windy city gets busy again, kicking off new seasons of Chicago PD, Chicago Med, and Chicago Fire. Chicago could have used the Firehouse 51 crew from Chicago Fire October 8th, 1871, as tomorrow marks 155 years since one of the city's saddest days, the Great Chicago Fire, which really wasn't so great. The blaze burned for three days, killing about 300 people, destroying 17,000 buildings, leaving nearly 100,000 people homeless. Tomorrow also marks a fiery moment in music. history. Oh, let me guess. James Hatfield? No, not quite so literal. Oh. But I can see why you'd go that way.

69 years ago, Jerry Lee Lewis recorded Great Balls of Fire. I love that song. That's a good song. Another movie that I've seen recently. And you might be saying, is that all you see, are old? Yeah, that's all they really have an interest in. The old Great Balls of Fire story of Jerry Lee Lewis played by. Dennis Quaid. I haven't seen that one. It's good.

Dennis Quaid does an awesome job. Jerry Lee Lewis made some questionable choices in his day. He sure did. He had a good song or two. He fell in love with his cousin. I mean, what can you do? It happens. You fall in love with your cousin.

Happy 20th to Hazel from Mom, one, two, three, four, five, Jesus. And happy birthday to Santa Jesus. That's 93X News. Shaver and Brad Ryder on the half-ass morning show. Yeah, you heard it. You heard the man Randy Shaver, Brad Ryder, and I know people are asking. People are saying, is that the bang bros?

No, that's Anthony Edwards and Lamello's ball. You wish it was the bang bros. Oh, I think we'd all be very entertained by that. It brings up a question, though. How much damage do you boys think you could do here in town if you both became suddenly single? Oh my gosh. Fair enough. Just pictures of them, Applebee's and their khaki shorts and Coles polos.

I will have a second skinny margin, please. Let me put you on hold while I call my wife to make sure she's not listening. I think you guys could still get it done. You think so, huh? Well, yeah, one of you just got fame and fortune. The other one's Brad. Oh, man. You don't want to talk about how much...

No. There's no reason to. Speaking of the Timberwolves real quick, I mentioned Edwards and Balls. They're doing their practice games now, and even as much as I love the Timberwell, I don't watch practice games. I don't even know if they're televised, but my wife did show me a video last night. She watched a little bit of the highlights of the Timberwolves practice game from last night of the night before. I can't be sure.

And what is it? October 7th. They don't start playing October 20th is when the season starts. 13 days. We're 13 days away from game one, and I'm already pissed off. My wife showed me this video last night of one of their practice games. They were on a little bit of a mini fast break, and Edwards, you know, between the legs looking slicker than snot. He comes around this way. He passes it over to Jonathan Kaminga, the new big star player. And Kaminga's got the ball, Josh, and he goes, weep, boop, this way. That totally loses his defender. And they throw it over to Gobert, who's all

alone under the basket. And he goes, eh, and he drops the basketball out of bounds. That's so unlike him. She came and showed me the video. The wife came, and I said, here we go. But they haven't even started the season. I'm already frigging furious. What is with a guy with hands that big who still, after all these years a professional, after all these years as a professional, he still has so much trouble hanging on to that basketball. You've said it before. Sometimes he just does not look like a professional athlete. It was beautiful too. Edwards to Cominga, to Gober and then, but I do like Rudy. I'm just saying. His cement hands do send my blood pressure through the roof now and again. I saw the scoring line of that game and it looks like the

Berengier kid had a very good first outing. He's got a lot of potential. I think he had 12 points and seven rebounds in 15 minutes, which that's pretty good. There is more and more noise in town about how they might be relying on one, Berenger, for some more minutes. Yeah, well, I know they are. Against the top line players, not just, you know, mopping up in blowouts in the last three-four.

The kid is very, very slick overall, and I do think that, you know, great things might be on the horizon. He is Rudy's backup. He's Rudy's. Right. He's the second guy in. Right. Now, having watched and been a part of seven NBA training camps firsthand in exhibition games,

can I just say, please don't put a lot of stock in what you're seeing in these games. Brad, I just said I don't watch the practice games. Yeah. I know. I know. We don't need to go down a rabbit hole. But, I mean, we're excited about it for sure. I mean, there's a lot of potential here. But a lot of times they're playing against guys on other teams who aren't going to be on NBA rosters either. Just like any other preseason. You're correct. Yes. Yeah. Here's a listener who says he thinks Rudy Gobert looks like he runs an evil underground lab. Yeah. I could see that. Especially when he does a goatee? He's got the facial hair going. Does he have the goatee right now? I don't know.

I mean, I saw a picture of him a few days ago where he was wearing a goatee. I don't know if he's still wearing it. Yeah, he does have that look with the goatee. And we have a nickname for Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder. They're not the Bang Brothers. It sounds like they don't even want the opportunity to be the Bang Brothers. Edwards and Lamello's Ball. They are currently the...

How about this, Josh? The Breathe Brothers. That's perfect. Just making sure we breathe every day? Well, no, because oftentimes. times because of technical difficulties, we can hear every single act of your respiratory system here when we have our conference. And you're like the capillaries firing at times.

It's so detailed. I hate to tell you, the pigs are no longer perfect. The boys lost in Buffalo last night, three to two, although it was an overtime situation. So at least it counted for something. I have to admit that I haven't caught the wild yet. I keep forgetting to look up how to pay for their games. Have you folks gone ahead with that gimmick yet? I have not.

I'm waiting for them to get over to Comcast and then I'll figure you know. So we're all, none of us are going to watch the pigs until it falls into our lap? Right. Okay. I mean, I might have to jump into it somehow. I don't know what I'm going to do. But yes, none of us have watched any hockey yet, it sounds like. I think part of it is it's because, I mean, we talked about this with the gophers the other day.

It's October 7th. I mean, yeah, it's great that they're back on, but it takes me a little while to get back into that again. Of course. Of course. Here's a name for you. A kid called Owen Power scored the overtime winner for the Sabres. Is he related to Chad Power? Max Power.

The pisser for the pigs is they did have a two-goal. lead going into the third stanza. Buffalo scored the next three, by God, they did. The pig's goal scorers last night were Danila Uroff. That name rings a bell, and Maxime Shabanov. I don't know if I've heard that one before. Now they head off on a southern tour. Down to the state of hockey.

The man bear pigs face to Tampa Bay Lightning tomorrow. night. I was in Florida once on a southern tour where I met this little redhead who was an underwater specialist. The first thing she says to me was come on out by the pool. So I went out

and she comes leaping out of this cabana wearing nothing but a little see-through wetsuit. So it's a pig's lightning tomorrow night. You're not going to finish the story. That is the end of the story. That is? Yeah, there's nothing more to that story.

I thought you were going to describe how she was an underwater specialist after she dove into the pool. It's the end of the story, Brad Rider. I don't know what to tell you. Oh, here's someone telling me that the Wild War on ESPN last night? Is that right? Son of a... Well, see, I...

PLC Fingerbanger, Jesus texted us at In... I hit the Watch the Wild button on my TV and then a message popped up and said, sorry, you haven't given us your money yet or whatever, this current situation. So I didn't look any further. Oh, I apologize. I did not know they were on ESPN, according to PLC finger-banger. Jesus. I'll have to, uh, ooh, a texter also says this Shabanov character is another caprisoff.

You're putting him on the same talent level as the Russian kid? I hope that that's a true story. To have two of those Russian kids would be something. So there you go. I'll try to get around to this pig. thing. I'll probably be the sucker that gives them their hundred dollars. I mean, I'm going to do it for the wolves. It might as well do it for the pigs.

All right. So everybody knows everybody knows about that popular hockey movie or whatever it is by the name of heated rivalry about two hockey player dudes who just up and bang each other's brains out. It's very popular. At least that's what I'm told. I haven't watched the show. They have

they bang each other's brains out. I think so. I know there's a romance between him. I haven't seen it either. But you're right, it's very popular. And a Wubby Jesus just texted in. Finish the story. Then what?

That's the end of the story. There's a movie about it. The lady comes leap. She comes leaping out of it. She was a little redhead underwater. I don't understand. There is no more story. So heated rivalry.

Who's watched the program? I've seen an episode or two. I haven't finished it, though. This is a little odd, so I don't blame you if you have trouble following this. So apparently the NHL tried to make a few quick bucks off the popularity of sex mixed in with hockey. They tried to capitalize off the popularity of heated rivalry by coming up with a gimmick called Hot for Hockey.

Now, these were audiobooks up for sale made up of short romantic stories that featured real players like Conrad McDavid, Jack Eichel, and even the Philadelphia. of the Flyers mascot Gritty. Hot for Hockey presents Chasing Connor featuring Connor McDavid. It was supposed to be a one-night thing. But when Connor McDavid comes

to town, things have a way of moving quickly. Tune in to the NHL all season long for more hockey love. See, that was a tease there. You know? Yeah. Did you get you to...

Huh? Trevor Zegris, came to Philly, looking for a fresh start. One heated summer later, Philly's pretty boy is looking a whole lot grittier. Tune in to the NHL all season long for more hockey love. Okay, so there you go. There's one story about Conrad McDavid,

one about a kid named Trevor Zegris. You'll have to... Well, see, if you wanted to hear the rest of the story, you're S-O-L. That's where I'm going with this. So they wrote up little stories where McDavid and Eichel and even Gritty went out and got laid. Picture in a gritty sex tape. Oh, yuck.

This is all real. I'm not making this up. The stories were loaded with sexual innuendo, you know, like you get from your typical romance novel garbage. And I'll tell you, ladies, if you're sitting back and playing with yourself while listening to a story about gritty going out after the game and hooking up with a random, getting his little furry orange rocks off at a roadside motel, you should drop the vibrator and go straight to the emergency.

emergency psychologist office. You need help. But the bottom line is, hockey fans were so thoroughly confused by this whole operation that here a day or two ago, the National Hockey League just upped and gassed the whole works. It's very strange. All of it's been taken smooth off the Internet

or wherever it was available. I cannot imagine that those two players would give their okay for that. And that's the number one question that popped up, Randy Shaver. I mean, number one, what a stupid idea, you know. I mean, I understand what they're trying to do. I get that, but I just can't imagine a player saying, yeah, go ahead and use me as an example for that. Maybe that's why they pulled it. Well, that was the, like I said, that was the number one question.

Was hockey fans number one, they first off, they said, what is this garbage? This is so dumb. And secondly, they question whether these players gave permission to have their names thrown into these. silly little fake romantic. They had to have given permission because there's just no way that the National Hockey League would just pick two players and make up some stories

like that. But I just, I find that odd that you would allow that to happen. Remember when we had Zach on the air all those years ago, Zach Perisi? And we said, hey dude, do you know that there's a Zach burger for sale at the

concession stand at the hockey rink? And he said, no, I have no idea. What's on it? Yeah, didn't he say he wouldn't have eaten that? I thought he said it didn't sound very good. I'm sure this is no, you know, a lot of pigs fans noticed this back in that time frame, but I went to a pig's game. I'm standing at a concession stand line waiting to get a beer and a hot dog. And I noticed there was a Parisi burger and a suitor sandwich and a Nicholas Baxterum chicken tenders or something like that.

And so we asked Zach about it and Josh is right. I just, I remember I wrote down what. was listed as the Zach burger, you know, lettuce and mayo and this and that tomato. And we read the makeups of the Perisi burger to Zach, and he said, I wouldn't eat that. I thought his direct quote at first was like, gross. Yeah. Something he wasn't interested in at all. He's like, I don't like onions.

I don't like mayo. I don't like. I wouldn't eat that. Sometimes teams and leagues feel like they have that power to be able to do that. And contractually, maybe they do. And so they go ahead and do things like that. But then when players catch wind of it, then they speak up a little bit. That could have been what happened here.

Who knows? But if you were looking to play with yourself while listening to these little audio books called Hot for Hockey, you're out of luck. The NHL has swept it under the rug and they're going to act like it never happened. It is strange how that show, what's called again? Heated rivalry. rivalry, the NHL said there was a notable uptick in new fans from people who caught the show on HBO or wherever it is,

and also decided to start watching hockey. I recently read that there's been an explosion of female fans watching the National Hockey League on television and going and buying a ticket to a live game. And a lot of websites are giving full credit to this program about two men who ravage each other's bodies when they're not on the ice. The NHL said it's significant that they've noticed this. That's hilarious. Hot for hockey. L.A. King's defenseman Drew Dowdy. Jesus, balls.

How long has he been in the league now? Truly an old-school type player, Drew Dowdy. That's why I'm a fan. L.A. Kings, won a couple of cups. He'll be a Hall of Famer. I mean, he's just one of the most solid defensemen in the league. has been for a long time. He's only 36 years old. He's got to be in the

league now for 20 years. Anyway, do you want some Josh, do you want some cutesy kids stuff here? This is a good one. We kind of balance out. We had that filthy conversation about hockey players having sex with each other. Now we probably should straighten ourselves out with some cutesy kids stuff.

Drew Dowdy has upped and revealed the details of a letter that he wrote to Wayne Gretzky when he was a five-year-old. He wrote a two-page letter to Gretzky back when Waino was still playing for the Los Angeles Kings, and, you know, doubt he's kind of given credit to Gretzky for being his inspiration, like a lot of hockey players. So the letter starts out by saying, dear Mr. Gretzky, my name is Drew, I am five years old.

I played hockey this year for the London Red Circle Raiders in the Mite Division. It was my second year of hockey. last year I scored six goals all year this year I scored 93 Say what? What? So either he greatly improved between his first and second hockey season or maybe his first season he was benched.

That's a hell of an improvement. We failed math, I guess. He's only five years old. Could be. 93 goals. He goes on to write to Wayne Gretzky. My mommy says, I used to cry in order to get her permission to stay up late and watch hockey games when I was two.

I bet when you're older, Mr. Gretzky, you'll have a daughter that is crazy hot. Did he predict it? Wow. What a call. Five years old, that was quite the call. No, he didn't say that. In the letter, Dowdy asked Wayne Gretzky if he could do him a favor and say hi to goaltender Kelly Rudy for him. Will you say hi to your goalie for me? He asked Wayne Gretzky. So all in all, you might say that life has come full circle for Doughty, Doughty. How do you, Drew Doughty.

You know, he grew up a King's fan and now, okay, he's in his 19th year with the club, with a Hall of Fame resume. So there you go. There's your cutie kid story of the day. Do you guys ever sit down? That's pretty awesome. Did you ever sit down and write a letter to someone that you looked up to when you were a child? Absolutely.

Who did you write letters to? A lot of the twins players didn't hear much back from them. Do you know the one who I heard back from? Larry Johnson of the Charlotte Hornets. F me running. Don't tell me. Gramma? Yeah.

His nickname was Gramma. Yep. What happened there? Tell me that. I sent him a letter and they included a couple of cards in there and did the self-address return envelope, you know, so all he had to do was sign him and put him back in. But he actually included an autograph photo as well.

It's very nice of them. That's really cool. So you just said, Dear Mr. Larry Johnson, I'm a big fan. I think you're a pimp. I love watching you play basketball, love Dana. Yep, exactly. And he did what now? He signed a couple cards and also threw in an autograph photo as well.

That's the coolest friggin thing I've ever heard. Yeah, it was awesome. I was not expecting anything. My parents, you know, they obviously helped me. I was in elementary school, looked up the address of the Charlotte Hornets and stuff, and I sent it out, wasn't expecting much, you know. Then all of a sudden one day in the mail got something with some Charlotte Hornets letterhead on. it. Randy Schaber, did you ever write a letter to Abraham Lincoln or anything like

to when you were? To Walter Cronkite. Moses. Thank you, Josh. Appreciate it. On a tablet. On a stone tablet. Not an iPad. I don't think I ever got it. I sent a message via a pigeon. Didn't go back, though. You've had a carrier pigeon. Yes. Bring a message to Moses. I don't remember.

Randy, go ahead. Did you have an answer there? As a kid, I didn't even think about that as being a possibility to do that. Writing a letter to. I wish I would have. Ernie Banks or something like that. I don't think I did. Because I had so many cards, you could have sent a card to have them autograph it.

but I just didn't even think about that as a possibility. Here's a hint to, you know, mostly kids obviously don't listen to the show, but here's a hint to the adults if your kids want to write a letter like that to an athlete, include a posted like a self-address stamped envelope in there because most times, and I've seen this in clubhouses before, when you do that, the athlete will sign it and put it in the envelope and send it back. But if they have to find a way to get it back to you, it probably won't happen. A couple of our listeners have texted in now, 651-551-93-93.

Here's a listener who wrote a letter to Matt Sundeen. Great Swede hockey player played for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Matt Sundeen was outstanding player. That's cool. A couple of our listeners have written to president. One of our listeners wasted their time and writing a letter to Tim Allen. He did get a signed picture back, though. Tim Allen was nice enough to send a...

Josh, you never sat down and wrote a letter to Randy Rhodes or anything? Well, I wrote a report about him. Well, I know you wrote the book report. I wrote reports about some of them. Actually, you know, it reminded me in college. I took a writing class and we had to write to businesses like goofy letters. There was a book, I think it was called Letters from a Nut. And this guy would write these letters to companies, and they're just silly, obnoxious letters,

and then he'd published the responses they got. And some of the people that responded were very, very funny. Or he'd have such an obnoxious letter he'd write. You could tell that whoever was writing it back was furious having to respond, but they'd send back a response. So we had to do that to see if we'd get responses. And every company I wrote to wrote back. And you could tell it. I mean, it wasn't like form letters.

they actually commented on different things that I put in the letter to them. I love that you did a book report on Randy Rhodes. Maybe this will impress you, Josh. As a kid, I was so completely and totally obsessed with Kiss, the rock band. It's all I wanted to talk about. It's all I did when I wasn't at school was listening to their records, and I was obsessed. And everybody knew it. I bothered, this was ninth grade.

there was a teacher who taught something. But I did like the guy, so I do remember I made a nice effort for him. That was my thing back then, is if I liked the teacher, I would make an effort. If I didn't, I'd go to sleep. I liked this guy. And I haggled him all year long. I said, you got to just give me the class one day. You take a break because I want to teach kistory.

And, you know, ha, ha, ha, the history of kiss. I said, just give me the chalkboard or whatever. give me a piece of chalk and I will take over. I'll teach the class history. So one day I walked in and he said, you're up. And I said, really? And he said, yeah, go ahead. He said, I'll give you a half hour.

So I legitimately stood at the front of the class and taught the class history, the origin of the band, how they met, how they're first, their tours, their makeup. So I got the chance to teach. And I think I knocked it out of the park, Josh. There were so many questions. People, they were so curious. Oh, that's great. Nobody was interested in Randy Roads. I could tell you that much.

It was the greatest day of the week for that teacher because he didn't have to prep a lecture. I can tell you that. I can tell you that, too. He was the teacher. I've told this story before. This guy had a great sense of humor. So one day we're all setting in class. Again, I can't remember the subject that we were supposed to be learning.

But he asked a question like, you know, what's the capital of Minnesota? And this dude in my class, Donnie, he raises his hands. And Donnie says, Minnesota is St. Paul. Right? And the teacher, who's a fully blown adult, does this. He goes, ha, ha, ha, God.

Hey, Donnie, don't worry. Those some bitches will drop someday. Oh, boy. He just upped and said it. I was rolling in the friggin isles. Yeah, they'll drop someday, he says. Real quick, before we close out this subject on writing letters to people that we looked up to as kids. Let's see if anyone else in our listing.

audience has texted in. A few people have said they read letters from a nut. You guys should read it. It's very funny. Letters from a nut? Oh, the thing you were describing. Yeah, the book I was just talking about. Here's a listener who used to write letters to all-time Minnesota North Star great Bobby Smith.

And he said Bobby always answered. I'm going to start crying. That's great. That's cool when they do that. I'm going to start crying all over the microphone. You did not. This frigging guy said he wrote a letter to Tara Reid. Did they say were they to deliver it?

Do you know how it all worked out, Judge? He wrote a letter to Tara Reid, and then he threw it in the river. And she found it. And it floated down the river to under her bridge where she lived. She's a troll. And she found and she read the letter. You prick. Here's a guy who wrote a letter to Dominique Wilkins, the human highlight.

real. Sean Alexander, the Seattle Sea Ducks running back. But I'll tell you one more little story here. With my folks recently checking out here over the last couple of years, of course, you know, the regular routine, you go through all their personal items and you throw some things away and you keep. So we found something in a little keepsake where when my sister was about five, she wrote a letter to Donnie Osmond.

Oh. That's right. Because nothing was hotter in 1974 than Donnie and Marie Osmond and the entire Osmond family. They had like three programs on television every night. Right. But what was hilarious about it? Well, the reason my sister wrote Donnie Osmond, well, number one, she was totally in love with him. But also, Donny Osmond had met one of our grandparents recently.

So that was the way my sister could break the ice with Donnie. Is dear Donny Osmond, you recently met my grandpa and this and that. And I think she sent Donnie a picture of Donnie shaking hands with our grandpa, so Donnie would remember. So anyway, it was all, you know, kidsy stuff like, I like your show, and I hope you play at my school someday. But the really funny part, you know what she did, Josh? She sent Donnie a lock of her hair.

You were going to say that. I do it. What? Donnie, here is a lock of my hair. And we still have the hair lock because he like sent the letter back the way she wrote it and said, thank you. I love you and I'll see you soon. So we have that lock of hair, Josh, if you want to, you know, use it.

He'll take it. He sent the hair back though? He's like, yeah, I don't need that. Yeah, a bit creepy if he sent back some of his own, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Actually, now that you mentioned it, I think that was her intention. Oh, she really wanted him to? Just a trade?

Next time you see my sister, ask her, if you can take your eyes off of her body. I think that was part of it. Here's a lock of my hair. Would you send me some of yours? And she put in parentheses, no short and curly ones. Oh, well. Yeah.

I wouldn't rule that out. She was very wise for her age. Back in that time, it would be easier. She was very wise. What do you think of this one? This person said they had a buddy email Bush Sr. When email first came out. Which one?

What one's dad? The dad? The skinny one or the shorter one? The skinny one. Okay. I've never heard them refer to that way. That was a hard one. Well, what's their relation? What's their relation? Senior and junior? Their father and son? All right, fair enough. I just wanted it. All right, yeah, I know that. I just didn't know which one we were talking about. The skinny one or the shorter ones? So the skinny one? The one that was president first, the dad. Yeah. It says, pretty impressive if the son was president first before the dad. It's possible.

It is. It's possible. Presidents are old. All right. So this person says, so when email first came out, his buddy emailed President Bush. And the friend that's texting catfished him. He responded and pretended to be the president. All these years, he thought the president actually emailed him back.

No. How did someone, how did they intercept that? They sent an email back and said, hey, this is the president. Thanks for an email. Get back to us. Let us know what you said. I wonder if you put something ridiculous in there. Just bitching about everything up and down.

Can you imagine you're running around? Yeah, President Bush emailed me back. Yeah, what about he is? I got a direct line to the president. I've got such a good story about this, but I don't want to tell it because you're going to ask me which athlete it is and I don't want to give it up. Well, then why would you even bring it up? We won't ask. We do that all the time.

Yeah, you love doing that, Brad. Well, no, because I don't want to. Well, then why even bring it up? It's a good story, though. Well, shit. Nobody will ask you. I won't ask the name. I want to hear the story.

Yeah, I want to hear the story. That's good radio. I got a great story, but I'm going to myself. Randy may actually know where I'm going with this. There's a very, very popular athlete in town who got buckets of band mail. And he taught one of the clubhouse people how to sign his autograph. and they answered between the two of them, mostly the clubhouse guy. They answered all of his mail, and the clubhouse guy would sign the autographs or the balls

or the cards that would come in with the guy's name and send it back. So that happens, yes, that happens more often than you guys. And such a harmless story. Why do you not? Because I don't want to give up the athlete's name. Why not? I bet that happens all the time. Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me whatsoever. I assume that the club host guy probably signed by Larry Johnson 8 by 10 as well. You never know. But it does happen more than you think. It's a harmless story. You can't even conjure up the balls to give us the name for that one. Well, yeah.

You wouldn't be able to get that authenticated at all. You'd be sitting there thinking like, this is so awesome. And they're like, yeah, that's not. That's some schmuck's signature. Schmuck. Big League playoffs last night. The Dodgers beat the Braves. So L.A. is one win away from a.

another merciless appearance in the league championship series. The San Diego Padres saved their season for now. They beat the Brewers by a run last night. Every series is in play today slash tonight. Yep. Everybody's playing today. White Sox can clinch today. The White Sox can clinch the Dodgers and the Rays and the this and that.

Yeah, you're right. White Sox haven't lost yet. The rays have not either. No, they have not. They can clinch in New York. It's Moogie Betts birthday today. LA Dodgers star player Mookie Betts turns 34 today. Now, I've heard the name Morgan Wallin before, but I can't be sure.

Country music. Very, very popular country. Okay. Ashley has qualified that by saying New Country. New Country. Yeah, I hate that stuff. What's his name again? Mooky Betts.

This is impressive, Josh. You play the guitar. Mookie Betts just started playing the guitar a year ago. and he's already good enough at it that he wants to play a show with Morgan Wallen, he says. He actually said that a month after he started playing. So here's from an interview he did last year. I got a couple songs under my belt now.

I'm working on I'm the problem by Morgan Wallen. My goal is to do a live performance with him, with Morgan and my boy Ernest. His boy, Ernest? I don't know who Ernest is. He's been on songs. with Morgan Wallen. I'm not sure exactly what he knows. I imagine he might play guitar. I can believe

that Mookie Betts is that good at the guitar after only a year. Have you ever seen the some bitch bowl? Oh, that's amazing. That's right. He's one of those people that just has a lot of talents. Hasn't he talked about maybe going pro after baseball? He should. He should. He is right there. He is absolutely capable.

Maybe he'll be the next Walter Ray Williams, Jr. Save some skills. for the rest of us. I know, does everybody have that friend that she's just weirdly good at everything? Yes. And they're gorgeous. And it's all so nice. Like, why can't you just be bad at something?

Something. I certainly know some people who are good at a couple things, but not everything. Would you guys have met my friends? They have their limits. Classic country Jesus on Ernest said, Ernest is also a country singer. He sucks. Oh. I'll take classic country Jesus' word for.

Oh, by the way, the Yankees and Reyes play tonight. You got to love when the New York Yankees fail and fail terribly. In game two against the Tampa Bay Rays, the Yankees became the first big league club in 15 years to have more players commit an error than record a hit in a playoff game. Wow. In game two, there with the race, four players committed errors.

Only three of them had a friggin hit. The last team to eat that level of, that level of, was the Cincinnati Reds 2010, 15 years ago. Let's see where we can go with this. What is this? Oh, yeah.

How bad do you have to be as an NFL franchise to get made fun of by the Weather Channel? That's a question that the Tennessee Titans and Houston Texans could answer for us.

The Weather Channel beyond one, though. They what? That's true. They're beyond one. They be on one. They're always like coming at people and stuff like that. Their social media is known for being pretty funny.

Yeah. Brad, were you aware of that, that the Weather Channel will they be on one? Yeah, I've heard that too. Okay, so both of these clubs in the AFC Southern Division are 0 and 4 to start the season. Tennessee Titans, Houston, Texas. Somebody has to win. They play each other come Sunday. That's correct.

Or they could tie. Oh, yeah, good point. here's where both clubs got kicked square in the balls. The NFL tweeted something about how folks can watch the game Sunday between the Titans and Texans. I'm sure they do the same tweet for every matchup. So whatever, the NFL tweeted, hey, the Titans and the Texans play at noon on Sunday. And a fan responded to that tweet by saying, this game should be flexed to the weather channel.

Next thing you know, the actual, Weather channel, Twitter, folks, responded to that post by saying, we'll pass on that. That's cold. And I'm not trying to be cute with that. That matches up with how they handle their social media, though, like Ash, I was saying. They be on one. They're on one. They are on one.

Hey, thank you for that, Ashley. Now I've got something cool to say around people. You're welcome. That deal we discussed yesterday where a couple of NFL referees have been to. suspended for, God forbid, raising their voices at a couple of players over the weekend. The NFL Referees Association is pith. Pithed. You're correct. I'm glad someone's standing up for those guys.

And they vowed to take revenge. I dig this. And this is more or less what I was saying yesterday. The NFL Referees Association, executive director, a guy by the name of Scott Green, has gone ahead and said, officials are constantly subject to verbal abuse from players and coaches, and that handing down this discipline, meaning the suspensions, while ignoring or minimizing the conduct directed at officials is not a fair process. More or less, he's saying, you guys are bitches, you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

I wasn't on with you guys yesterday, but I mean, in every other sport, every other sport, they allow the officials to go back. at him a little bit, you know. Right. But you can't in this one, I don't know. I mean, watch a hockey game. Coach is over there saying, you dumb son of a bitch, I'll kill you if you call that penalty again.

And the referee says, blow me, fat ass, I don't give a rat's ass, what you say? I mean, but yeah, oh, in the NFL, oh, did you say something to the players? Yeah. You frigging, what a joke. I'll say it again. NBA officials, oh my gosh, they take abuse. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

The NFL has. its head so far up its own ass. It's just embarrassing. And I'll say it again. Not all, but some of the most sensitive people on the planet are professional athletes. By God, they are all in when you're swinging from their jock and showering them with attention. But you go the other way on them? Oh, they'll run screaming for their friggin' mommy.

They be on one. They be on one. Perfect. Perfect usage. Come on, NFL referees. I want to see them just goat rodeo a couple of ball games. Just, I want to see them call the worst game in NFL history. And when everyone's wetting their pants,

I want to see them shrug their shoulders and say, hey, shouldn't it talk trash? Right. That's what you get. A mutiny, Josh. I want to see a full-blown mutiny. I understand. It's stupid that they got suspended.

What else is going on? Oh, I understand that the University of Nebraska is upgrading their football stadium. They call it Memorial Stadium. That joint, Randy Shaver, Bradrider, is 103 years old. Yes, sir. So, they're selling off some things. Like, for example, they're selling some of their old pre-soaked urinals.

Gross. Specifically, the trough style. They're selling some of their pre-soaked, pre-used urinal troughs from the men's. from the men's John. Should throw one of those in your living room? I mean, aren't those like long? Those weren't fit in my own.

They're wrong and they're strong and they're bound to get the friction. They're $3,000 apiece is what they want in trade for a piss-soaked 103-year-old urinal truck. Who's buying this? What in the world? Well, it says here, what's your name again? Ashley? Seven of the 30 urinals have already been sold as of Monday afternoon.

You know, you got your hard-on fan who wants to hang that in the garage and then, you know, do you know where this came from? I mean, I can sort of understand the... Oh, 100%. I wanted the Metrodome troughs. I missed those. You can buy one of the bills, troughs? I did see that.

Five grand, though. The Metrodome ones only sold for $375.75. I can't believe I missed out on that. I would have put it in a bid. That'd been awesome. I figured we would come around to sharing some old stories about the Piss troughs at the old Metrodome. There was never a real problem there, was there?

No, no, no, nothing. Iowa fans always behaved themselves. We bought a seat from the Metrodome. I got one too. Christmas gift. I get that. I can picture, Dana, tell me if this is how it played out, though. Or tell me if this is how you think it would have played out.

You bought yourself an old piss trough from the Metro dome. You got it out the back of your pickup. You put it in the garage, and then you thought, what the hell do I do now? Pretty much, yeah, exactly. A fun conversation piece, but that's about it. Next thing you know, you're putting it up in the rafters because you're tired of tripping over it. Right, right. $3,000.

They must piss excellence there in Lincoln, Nebraska, if they think this. Ah, the old trough. It brings back some great memories. You know, you go to a Vikings game. Half time, you go to take a squeege. You make your way back to your seat with about four minutes left in the second half. Yeah. Just miserable drunks throwing up all over, piss it on the floor.

And it's so gross. It was. It was brutal. One time I saw a guy just climb right into it. Yeah. Seen those videos. He stood in it and pissed on the wall. Oh, Lord.

I got to do a hard hat tour of the new Metrodome when it was still being built. And that was the first thing I went to go check to see if they had troughs in the bathroom or they went urinals. And unfortunately, they went urinals. Oh, you wanted the trough back? Of course it did. No. Yeah, I didn't like those too much. No.

No, you're a shy peer. I can't see you hanging it in front of anybody. No, I mean... You'd still be standing there. Come on, guys, get out of here. I got to go. We're tearing the stadium down, sir. You need to leave.

We're blowing it up. You got to leave. Remember that guy from Allery's bar? I told you about Josh, who couldn't find it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Been there. Oh, God.

We went and watched that total nonsense where the sweep. Oh, the crap. The Swedish and the Norwegian kids put on a pair of skates and then fall down a hill. Red Bull crashed ice. Yeah, that was like the biggest waste of time I've ever experienced in my life. But anyway, cool on TV. It was terrible. So it was colder in hell that night.

We made the mistake of go and watch the Swedes and the Norwegians fall down a hill while wearing skates. And then we walked our way over to Allerys, and it was cold. And by the time we got there, everybody had to piss and everyone's freezing to death. Long line for the men's John. And, you know, so you're kind of, you're just praying the guy in front of you go quick because you got to go. And this poor bastard up there, he's got his full, you know, car heart winter

ice fishing outfit on, so he takes off one layer and another layer, another. Then he unzips the snow pan. And it was so cold. And the guy's like digging for it. It's in here somewhere, I swear. And everyone in line behind them is like, dude, hurry it up. I got it before.

I know it was here. But that's what was so funny about it. It was obvious. This guy had shrunk down to just like a, it was like a button on a fur coat, you know. He just, and the funny part about it is, is he acknowledged it. He acknowledged it. He said, boys, I swear to God, I got a pecker in here somewhere. You just got to give me a few more. So I love the guy.

I fell in love with him for kind of embracing the horror. And then the great part of, after we all ended up taking a squeege, everywhere that guy went that night, everyone's standing around. Hey, there's the no pecker guy. He's like, yeah, I got her done, though, didn't I? Swear to God, I got a rod in here somewhere, he said. A button on a flannel shirt. Button on a fur coat.

A fur coat, sorry. That's right. Balloon knot. Oh, I thought that was something different. No, what did you think a balloon knot was? I don't want to say. I thought it was on the opposite side of the body. Same with you, Josh.

No, no, no, no. You thought it was the butthole? That's what I always said. No, no, no, no. You got that wrong. It's easy to make that mistake. Oh, man. Just a little balloon knot down there.

No, it's a vulgar term for the anus. That's not what I was taught. I'm sticking with what I was taught. I was raised to believe that was a B-hole record. Different neighborhoods. Isn't that funny how that works? Different neighborhoods. They also give some alternative.

Light switch. I know that one. Similar slang terms, according to the AI overview, leather chiro. Sure, heard that one. Cinnamon ring, smelly freckle. That's new to me. You haven't heard that? God, no.

Have you guys heard the smelly freckle? No. I'm not going along with that one. I like the first two, but that third one didn't go anywhere. Yeah, that's kind of gross. For me personally. But isn't that funny how different neighborhoods define what a balloon knot is? Different upbringing.

Yeah, I've never heard it referred to as. like how you and I have a totally different idea of what third base is compared to younger people. Yeah, that flew, that actually, that blew my mind. Third base changed over the years. Second base changed. You guys are a little more wild than we were back in the day. Your second base, I think, is our third base. Yes, that's what it is.

No, so we've been through this. Your first base is like hand stuff and like making out and all that. Yeah, that's even worse than I had thought. Oh, sorry. I mean like boob stuff with your hands. Yeah. That was second base first. I've done that.

And then second base is hand stuff in the downstairs area. And third is straight mouth. Mouth everywhere. Oral is the term that I like to use. If Brad's wife is listening, first base is saying hello to a woman. Yeah, exactly. Second base is holding hands and third base is putting your arm around them at the movie theater. I don't know.

That's halfway between third and home. Yeah. Yeah. What does someone text it in about the burnt chiro? What the hell is that? Oh, no. Oh, my God. I have not heard burnt chiri.

The burnt chirio? Oh. How did it get burned? Was someone trying to cook chirios? Oh, man. And somebody asked me the other day if I do show prep for this. I think the last 20 minutes of this conversation proves that there's no way to do show prep for any of this. Some people believe it's scripted Brad Rider from top to bottom.

Because it is. Did you know that? No. Yeah, we got a whole writer's room. That always fascinated me when someone would ask. I mean, you script out everything, right? It's in case you had that thought. No one in their right mind has ever typed.

burnt Cheerio onto a no one's ever punched that into their keyboard or whatever you just called the balloon what did you call that again? The balloon knot the monkey button the leather starfish whatever

we got to get going yes we do well no it says you're right in the script we got to get going Randy says yes we do this is like the NFL everything is scripted I'm just read Randy keep going because I'm reading what you're supposed to say next

Thanks for joining us. Tomorrow morning. Yeah, that's what I have on mine. All right, there you go. Thanks, Brad and Randy. We'll talk to you. I'll be damned as soon as we can possibly get our hands on you. We'll return with a few more laughs, hopefully, here on the Half Fast Morning Show.

Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now, before the first. the thing craps out and the boys below the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standard heating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93x and save a big double nickel.

Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees.

Maybe your joints. You need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience. and getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today.

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Not available in all jurisdictions. Half-Ass Morning Show, 93X. Yeah, here's the deal. It's 93X rock. It's early in the morning. Thanks for being there as we continue on here with the 93X Half-Ass Morning Show. I want to go back to something we were talking about with Randy Schaver and Brad writer. Ah, the lost art of letter writing.

We got to talking about those of us who might have written a letter to people we looked up to, writing letters to people we looked up to when we were little kids. He'd sit down and write a letter to Davy Jones or Fran Tarkintan. And nowadays, of course, you can just try to find them on social media. But there was quite a response. Quite a few texts came our way. Most of these were sports characters that are listeners as little children sat down and wrote a letter to them. Here are some of the texts that we didn't get to earlier because I do find the topic interesting.

I never did anything like that. Probably Sam. No, me either. Yeah, only Sam. Did you ever write to Santa? We wrote to Santa a couple times. I don't know. Probably.

Probably. I was so deeply obsessed with certain singers and actors and athletes when I was at age. I'm surprised I did not. I have no memory, at least, of sitting down and writing them a letter to tell them how great they are. Here are some text messages now. In elementary school, a listener says, everyone had to sit and write a letter to a famous person. Most of us never received a response, but he says, I remember my brother wrote to the dude who played Hannibal on the A team. Oh, cool.

What was that? Was that George Pappard? Yep. That was George Pappard. And his brother received a signed poster in return. Oh, cool. He's awesome. He was a badass.

He was? I loved that show. I thought he was awesome. Some of these are great because you actually got, here's a dude. who wrote a lot of letters to a lot of football players he looked up to. Dan Marino, John Elway, Gerra Rice, Steve Young, Barry Sanders, and a bunch more. And they all sent him an autographed photo or a signed card. One of our listeners wrote a letter to Gary Coleman.

Oh, wow. During the height of the different strokes sitcom run and got a sign picture back from get, I catch a little bit of different strokes damn near every day. on my television. Watched it every day when we got home from school. It's a terrible show. It's just awful.

I mean, the acting is just inexcusably horrible. But I still watch it. Gary Coleman, God rest his soul. Here's someone who wrote letters to the Manning brothers and to Brent Farve, and he got to, oh, this is interesting. Mailed letters to Peyton Manning, Brent Farve, both gave him something back. also wrote a letter when he was a little kid to Philip Rivers, and he said he never got a response. I'm assuming one of his nine kids might have eaten it or something like that. Yeah, he's too busy banging.

Wrote letters to the Pittsburgh Stiller's defense because they were his fantasy football defense and the whole starting line signed a photo. Chris Dolman sent a listener something back in the mail. Jose Kinseko, Janelle Klein's ex-boyfriend, Jose Kinseko. was nice. One of our listeners said, I wrote Aaron Hernandez a letter while he was in prison. That did not have a good ending. No. I don't know if you ever got that one.

Paul Molitor. Yes? I completely forgot that when I had my baby shower for my son, I sent out some baby shower invites to some of the teams here in Minnesota. Like I sent one to the Minnesota Wild. I sent one to the twins. For what? I wanted players to show up at the baby shower.

I've heard, so it was like going on or going around online at the time that if you sent Baby Shower invites to like big companies or, you know, big sports teams a lot of times, they will reply something cute or they'll like send you something like a onesie, something cute. So I did that and the twins got back to me. They sent like a cute little book and wrote something like about your future twins. Be a future twins fan. And it's funny because when I was doing that was during the time where everybody really, really, really hated the pole ads more than anything.

So you understand why they responded to it. They weren't getting a lot of fan mail at the time. A lot of it was just cut out letters from magazines and stuff threatening to hurt people. Yeah, they probably were like, oh, finally we got a good one. If they were in a strong financial situation and had they made the playoffs last year, they would have thrown that letter into the garbage. Yeah. But shout out to them for being the only ones that replied, the only sports teams that reply. They need all the love they can get.

Excited like an antenna dong Jesus. That one throws me every time. I've never heard that expression before. Excited like an antenna dong Jesus said Santa's fat ass never wrote back to me. Oh, no. He is a busy man. But even so, well, shoot, he can show up to everybody's house in one night. He can write back a letter.

One of our listeners got a nice response from maybe my favorite minister. Sort of twin of all time. Randy Bush, another listener, wrote to Don Boprey. If you're an older hockey fan, you remember Donnie Boprey. What is this now? Wrote a letter to Patrick Waugh when he was playing in Montreal. Princess Diana responded. Oh, what? Wrote a letter to Princess Diana, got a letter back from her ladies-in-waiting, which was good enough for me. It was on the letterhead, Josh, of the Royal... Family. That's cool. That's really sweet. There was another good one in here and I lost it.

Probably because one of you douchebags clicked on it. Sorry. There was a good one in here. I lost it. I don't know who sent it. I got it. Go ahead. No, you tell yours. Oh, I was going to say somebody said when they were a teenager they wrote a letter to Nina Hartley. That never happened.

Yeah, I don't think it happened either, but it kind of strike me as funny. Yeah. Love that Danhausen Sheises. This is the one I was looking for. When she was nine years old, she wrote a letter to Sean Cassidy. he had his moment there as an actor and a singer. Josh, did Sean Cassidy cover D-D-Doo, Ron, Ron? I think that was him, wasn't it?

Yeah, and then he, of course. Didn't he go on to be a director or? Of course, the brother of David Cassidy, and he died young. What's that now? I thought he went on to, like, do like a bunch of big shows. I think you're right. Yeah, he does a lot of television. He's dead, right?

Or is David dead? Which one is dead? Sean's alive. Oh, David is dead. Sorry. Sorry. Again, I've put someone in the grave far before. their time. Oh, as a matter of fact, our promotions gal Amy, she and her husband just recently went to an event.

It was like a spoken word, I think this is what it was, where Sean Cassidy was the guy. He's coming to town next month. I don't remember if Amy said he sang songs or just told stories or both. But, you know, he was a hot heartthrob in the 70s. He was part of a television show that I like to watch as a kid, the Hardy brothers. He and Parker Stevenson were part of the Hardy Brothers Mystery Solving Squad they had in the... He's going to be at the Uptown Theater November 21st. How do they describe the show? Let's see where I just see tickets. Okay.

I'll see if it says what it is. Sean Cassidy. And then tell me if this sounds familiar. 715 Wild Man, Mild Man Jesus, wrote a letter to the Zuba. I'll get there. to the Zubu-Mafoo show. Oh, Zabumma-Fum. Zabum-a-Foom?

Zabumafun. I might be saying it incorrectly, but yeah, I watched the heck out of that show. It's like a lemur. He's a lemur, and there's these two guys that take care of the lemur. It's a cartoon, or they're live-action people? It's live action, yeah. He said he got a letter back from the Zubu-Mafoo Club,

and even the monkey, he calls it a monkey. You said it was a lemur? He said the monkey even, wrote something to wrote something Wow that's incredible I'm jealous I haven't heard of that show

I always wanted to write to blues clues You know how they do that right They put like a cattle prod to the monkey Until he begins to write on a piece of paper I understand they get it done Josh They have to They have to torture the monkey for a while Until it finally gives way

And then it will begin writing They don't have to they choose to They choose to They would never hurt Zabuma food Okay that's gonna bother me is a boom of food. Ah, how do you say it? I have no way.

I know you have no idea what it is. I'm going to get home. My husband's going to berate me over this. That's kind of fun. That's a fun subject. I dig that. I mean, because it's just, it doesn't exist anymore. Sitting down and writing a letter to, you know,

Mickey Rourke or, uh, uh, uh, who would you write to now? Darryl Hall. What? Who would I write to now? Would you have? have any interest in hearing back from somebody? Oh, I'm writing to Mickey Rourke or Daryl Hall. Oh. Oh, I have no idea, Josh. That's a tough question.

If I was to write a letter to one famous person, so is it someone that I still greatly look up to? Or anybody. Whoever you'd want to get a response. Whoever you'd be most excited to see a letter arrive from. Yeah, so then it would be someone that I enjoy, someone that I look. I don't want to write a letter and just, you know, say terrible things. That's probably still a thing. If you're totally out of your mind, you probably still write a lot of hate letters. Because there are certain things you don't want on record on your email and things like. So if you're nuts and a dangerous person, you probably still

write hate letters in crayon or something psychotic like that. Who would I write to today? You got to let me think about that one for a while. I just don't know. That's not easy. Do you have an answer? No. I was trying to think of like the different disciplines somebody would be talented in that I'd want to hear back from. It'd be cool to get like Seth Rogen. Yeah, you love him. Yeah, I would not waste my energy to write a letter to Seth Rowe. But that's not me. That's you. It's on top of my head right now because I just watched his new Netflix movie.

But Nate Burgatti, I would like to hear from Ham. That'd be cool. I bet he'd write a funny letter. I'd like to write to Seth Rogan and James Franco and Danny McBride and I can't think of the other actor's names. Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill. Thank you. You know where I'm going with this.

I do. I would like an apology for the movie. Is it called This Is the End? I would like a heartfelt apology and my money back for that goat rodeo garbage pile. I liked that movie. I did too, actually. So there you go. All right.

I'm still trying to give you an answer, Josh. Yeah, it's tough. Oh, and I forgot. People are texting in, you know, of course we know that writing letters to your favorite celebrity isn't a thing anymore unless you're dangerous. I forgot all about what's the gimmick where you send them some money and they send you a video. Cameo. Camio.

I mean, a little bit different. It's going to cost you a couple hundred bucks. But if you want to hear from someone that you're truly a fan of and you got enough money, they will talk to you. How did people even know where to write when we were growing up? Like if you wanted to write to Lorenzo Lammis or something like that, how would you know how to write to someone? Here's a guess. That address ad.

You would, yeah, good question on the address. I mean, for instance, a rock star, usually on my new Motley crew record or my Van Halen record, there usually was something on the back pages of the inner workings of the album, whatever they called that. It's like you'd write to Capitol Records. Well, no, they would have a fan club address. I probably did. Okay, well, now I can tell you, I did become a member of the Kiss Army.

I guess I wasn't considering. I was thinking of individual celebrities, and I said, I don't remember ever doing that. I absolutely did become a member of the Kiss Army by sending a letter to their fan club. But as far as like an actor, good example, Lorenzo Llamas, I would imagine if he was on CBS on a soap opera, you'd try to find the mailing address for CBS television.

And I don't know how he would do that, but that's just, that must have been how folks got it done, right? Yeah, I never considered that. It was a lot harder to be crazy. Santa was easy, North Pole. Got it. Yeah. But as far as some of the other celebrities, I wouldn't even know how to do that.

Yeah, I remember writing to Kiss. And I can't remember what it cost me. Oh, you had to pay to join, huh? I think so. It was a long time ago. I believe I had to send them a few bucks. And then I got like an iron on patch and... Some sort of certificate or something, Kiss Army.

Yeah, oh, absolutely. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, they sent you back a piece of paper that noted you were, you know, member number 2,766. It was like getting your prison tag, you know. That was my number. And I remember showing it to people like, look, I'm official. What about you, punk?

People are saying Lorenzo Llamas is in jail? What? The guy from Falcon Crest? I didn't have a clue. I didn't think he was even still. breathing. I got to look this up. What's he in jail for?

Ah, medical device Jesus may have helped me come up with what celebrity I would write to today. And if this isn't the spot-on correct answer, it certainly makes my top five. I'd like

to read. Red isn't how a grown folks would say it. I would like to write a letter of great appreciation to Mr. T. And what a response I got from that. Oh, I thought there's going to be more. I don't know much about what you appreciated.

I don't know much about Mr. T. I would like, that's a good answer. Mr. T. Would it get weird, though? I'm sorry, I thought you were going to run down a list of what you were going to say. No, I'm already speechless just thinking about him. I don't blame you. By the way, the Lorenzo Llamison jail thing, that is a hoax.

Oh. That is a internet hoax. What is he in his mid-70s now? Is he that old? He's got to be. Let's see. He's got to be. He is 68.

Jesus, he's younger than I. If you wrote a letter to me. Mr. T, and it was, and because of like how much you love him and because of your terrible handwriting, it might come off absolutely insane. Well, I would, I would certainly make a better effort for Mr. T. If you have somebody else write it? He would just assume it was a child. I might even type it up. Because yes, I'm fully aware of my struggles with handwriting. And I can promise you this, Josh, because I want to give the guy a break. Nowhere in my letter to Mr. T. Am I going to make any jokes about pitying the fool? I'm not going to do that. I want him just to have

one break from that nonsense before he dies. But that's a great answer. People are saying, does it count if I joined the porno club on, what was the name of that magazine? Well, we got it in the mail up at St. Cloud State. I'll get back to you on this because there's something there. Not like one of the big ones, like a hustler. No, no, no.

what I'm saying is you got the address from the back of Hustler. That's where you got it. And then every two weeks it seemed, we had them stacked up to the ceiling. Every two weeks they'd send you this catalog of every porn movie available to the world. And then you would order your movies out of, there's a name, there was a name for that catalog. And people are saying, does it count if I became a member of that club? Yeah, sure. We're counting just about everything around here.

93X half-assed morning show. Let's continue our conversation here on writing letters to our favorite big shot famous celebrities. Back when that was a thing. A lot of us did it when we were kids. We also got to talking about fan clubs. And I got it, Josh. I was having a difficult time coming up with this gimmick. I was mentioning that when we were 19, 20, 20, young guys living together up at St. Cloud State,

Of course, we had a stack of nudie books this high, right? And in your better nudie books, there was an address in the back of the book for you to sign up to a separate catalog of porn movies. And they would give you discounts on these wonderful porn movies. And we signed up for it, and they sent us a catalog like every two weeks. I couldn't think of the name of the frigging thing. It'll probably ring a bell even for a straight lace, some bitch like you. you probably have heard of Adam and Eve magazine.

Oh, I've heard of the store. Adam and Eve catalog, whatever they call it. I mentioned that I became a member of the Kiss Army when I was a kid by writing them a letter or writing to the address for the Kiss Army. This is great. Gwar used to have a fan club where you would officially become a slave of Gwar. God, those guys were funny. It says here, in return, this is Grave.

digger Jesus, he became a Gwar slave. You got a long sleeve shirt, a certificate of slavery and a slave number card. That was their whole thing. If you were a fan of Guar, you were a gwar slave.

Here's a listener who says he'd like to send a letter of thanks to the inventor of yoga pants. Well, there's a name behind it, isn't there? He was a fellow by the name of Gerard Yoga. Oh, sure.

Came up with them back in, I think it was like 18. One of our listeners wrote a letter to Mary from Little House on the Prairie and got a picture in return. Didn't you have a crush on her when you were a kid? Yeah, a couple of the gals on Little House on the Prairie. I don't know if I would have went straight for Mary, though. I bet Mary appreciated that. Half Pint probably got the majority of the fan mail. And deservedly so.

One of our listeners wrote a letter to the, when they were a tiny little kid, they wrote a letter to the Easter Bunny because he said my dad threatened to shoot him. Oh no. Look out Easter Bunny. My dad's coming. Dear Easter Bunny, stay away from here, especially if my dad has been drinking or is having problems at work. Dad threatened to shoot the Tiger Beat magazine.

Remember that one? Yep. I just saw it the other day. As a matter of fact. At the bookstore. It's still a thing. It's still a thing? Yeah.

Oh, my damn. Well, here's a listener who became... I think it was Tiger Beat. One of our listeners became pen pal, a pen pal with Tiger Beat magazine. So he'd write in, or he or she would write in. This was circa 93-94. So who would have been the big heart throbs in 93-94? I'm going to go with Jonathan Taylor Thomas from...

What was that show? He was on... Home Improvement. Home Improvement. I love that show. Probably the early days for Learthur. Leonardo DiCaprio was probably all over Tiger Beat magazine in 93 and 94. If it was 83 or 84, it would have been like Duran Duran, Ralph Machio.

I remember this because my sister would go by those magazines. Duran Duran, Ralph Machio, Matt Dillon. Would you get for like the 90s, maybe like Jason Priestley and Ian Zering, Luke Perry, like the 902 and 0,000 stuff, wasn't that early 90s? Absolutely. Oh, I bet you Jason Priestley. he was on the cover of that some bitch more than anybody else. Brian Austin Green, if I didn't already say so.

Sure. One of our listeners is even willing to admit that they wrote a letter to O.J. Simpson. Oh, wow. Before? Before or after? I'd imagine before. I could understand that. He was lovable before.

It says, okay, maybe it was when he was an athlete. You know, before the madness. He said he wrote a letter to O.J. After he had surgery, I wrote him a letter to get well soon. I got a picture. back from him, he was lying on his hospital bed and he wrote back, peace to you. What a great guy, he says. I mean, shoot, like, you think Bill Cosby?

I could have seen writing a letter to him. I loved Bill Cosby. My goodness, did that change? Yeah, you did. You love that some bitch. All right, we got to get going again. Happy 40th to Hammer Swinging Jesus and Beer and Pizza Sheezus text in a happy birthday to her sexy husband, two with a ten. Jesus.

Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys below the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standardheating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93X and save a big double nickel.

Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. you're doing it's working keep it up