93X Half-Assed Morning Show - Surprise Mace!

Episode Date: October 5, 2026

Originally Aired October 5, 2026: Undefeated Vikings and Wild. Horrifying display outside Rocky Horror Picture Show. Everything you've ever wanted to know about the advertising mascots you derelicts want to fold.  Listen & subscribe to the show on the 93X app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Text the show at 651-551-9393. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys blow the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standardheating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93X and save a big double nickel.

Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. I was hoping to maybe fall off-ass morning show. Ninety-three.

I was hoping to maybe fall back asleep for a few minutes there, but then that show intro upped and fired, and I ran out of time. Welcome to the program. Welcome to the 93X half-ass morning show. Sure hope you had yourself a miraculous weekend. We're kicking off a unique type of a work week around here, a first in nearly 30.

years of this radio show. And here's what I mean by all that. We'll do a little bit of this and that today through Thursday. Our normal routine. But we will not be live come Friday morning. We'll throw on some lame pre-recorded best of crap Friday for you. And that's because we will be traveling on over to Turtle Lake, Wisconsin. Friday morning for our fifth annual casino showdown.

Big beer party we have over there. We call it the border bash. It is a little weird that, you know, shoot, three decades, and we've never done an afternoon broadcast outside a, I guess you could maybe count the state fair and the weekend they throw us out there for a couple hours. Jesus, I don't even have any memories of that. I'm trying to think if there's, we did a big live,

Remember when we broadcast on that stage many, many years ago at the state fair? Oh, that's cool. That's cool. That huge stage there. Can you tell by the look on my face that I have zero? Yeah, you don't remember that at all. No. We were on a giant stage.

Yeah, it was a weird deal. It was a big stage. All of our radio, the cumulus radio stations all did it in a row. And there was those dancers that came on after us. Dancers? Yeah, from 105. It was like Vibe 105. I forget the 105 version it was at that time.

Jesus. Well, yeah, we're not counting weekends. I don't have any idea what you're talking about. That's amazing. But we're not counting. This will be the first time. So our very first live afternoon broadcast, live from the sports book, the sports bar,

whatever you call it there at the casino, live from Turtle Lake. The broadcast starts at 3 p.m. so on Friday like I said a lame best of show will run in the morning and that's when we'll be driving

beyond the cheddar curtain and then we'll be putting on a very possibly lame live show come 3 o'clock in the afternoon I see a finger banging your cell phone what are you doing over there? I'm trying to find the photos I really can't believe you don't remember this that's crazy to me.

You have saved pictures of this imaginary event where we broadcast it live from the state I didn't take them, but it's because my son got up and danced with the Vibe 105 dancers. Yeah, I got nothing. It's incredible. Well, I mean, I think you can understand some events in life that you truly wanted nothing to do with once they actually happen. I think our brain has the ability to block those memories. That would definitely be one of them.

So if you're wondering why we've decided to up and out of nowhere have this afternoon broadcast from our border bash, this is for the folks who have agreed to come on over to Turtle Lake Casino for the party. Year after a year, and a lot of folks repeat visit this event. We were looking for a way to let folks sleep in a little bit and still put on a radio show, which we are contractually obligated to do. It felt kind of mean over the years to host this casino party with the drinking and the gambling and the carrying on. It felt kind of mean to say, drink up, everybody, had the time of your life. Oh, and make sure you're up and ready for our live broadcast that begins at 5.30 in the friggin' morgue. So I can't deny that it's also a little bit for us. We don't mind sleeping in.

By God, I don't mind sleeping in. No, no, no. So everyone can relax this year and get a little extra sleep. come this weekend at St. Croix Casino Turtle Lake. It's one of those things where the misery on people's faces, I've always thought it was mostly due to the hour and then how late we were all up the night before. So this afternoon, or that afternoon broadcast on Friday,

we'll find out if it's a misery from watching a live show because you'd no longer have the excuse of waking up at 5 in the morning and getting to a sports book. It's unnatural. Maybe we will find out it has nothing to do with the time of day. That's a bit of fear of mine. You have a lot of fears, so are you finding those pictures yet? Yeah, I got them.

I was there. Yeah, you were there. I think that's you. Hold on. I'll be dipped. I see muscles and handsome. Oh, that's got to be me. All right, so this is our program live from the State Fair on some type of stage. Yeah, that is me, but I don't believe that it really happened.

I got nothing on that. But thank you, Josh, for trying. He's still over here pounding away on his phone. There's another one for you. Remember that now? No, I don't remember anything about it. This is great. Who were those people?

Who were those people? They were the, like, I forgot the name of the station. 5-105? Yeah, 5-105 dancers. They look like a friendly. Hip-hop dancers? Yeah, hip-hop dancers. Oh, sweet.

That's what I said. I loved it, yeah. Oh, you know, while we're at the casino, you know, I'm sure we'll play some bets. Josh, remind me, don't let me forget to bet the over on every Vikings game from here until the end of the football season. Holy heck, what happened yesterday and the previous three weeks? I don't want to talk about it. God, that was awful. Well, your opinion doesn't count as much. You're not a Vikings fan.

That's true, but I still have to sit through the games. You don't have to. You could go play Lego or something. I could. Or do you say Legos? Lego. Yeah, that was ugly. I can't believe they have the record they do. I mean, obviously, special teams and defense are great, but that offense is terrible.

It's so bad. It was just an ugly ball game from one end of town to the other. Is that a Dolphins hat you're wearing, Nick? Yeah. Yeah, I like that hat. That's sharp. Yeah, I like their logo. The old one.

Not the one they carry around today. That one sucks. But I wore this to the bar yesterday, and I thought I could be a dick. and I tried. You were close to being a dick. I mean, when the dude scored the touchdown for Miami, when he ran it in there, it was kind of fun to be the only idiot at the bar going,

and you see all the old timers kind of look around, like, where's that coming from? So I thought yesterday would be a good, especially after watching the first half. I didn't go to the bar until after the first half. After watching the first half, I thought this is perfect. So I pull my Miami Dolphins hat over my head

and I thought, this is the worst football game that's ever been played so far. I mean, this is so terrible. So I knew walking into the bar, I knew all the hard-ons, all the gibronies, you know, the die-hard Viking dorks. I knew that they'd be in a piss poor mood. So I thought, ooh-wee, if the Miami Dolphins,

whoever they are, if they can pull off a victory, this is going to be great. I got my friggin hat. I can act like I'm some kind of a fan. And when the dude scored the one touchdown, I thought, maybe they will pull the rug out from under, but it didn't turn, turn out the way that I had hoped. Sorry.

No, it was close. It was better than I expected. I thought yesterday was going to be just, you know, 35-0-0 total goat rodeo. The fact that the Miami Dolphins, again, whoever they are, the fact that I was even close to being able to be, you know, that pain in the ass for all the drinkers yesterday was good enough for me. Did everyone have a grand weekend? No complaints.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. complaints whatsoever. Great weekend. I went to a wedding. It was a lot of fun. What was the relation? Just a friend.

A friend of me and my husband's. Yeah, I was in Wisconsin, so we got a hotel room. That's fun. Now we're talking. Yeah. Oh, Christ. Oh, it was also my mother's birthday yesterday, so a happy late birthday to her. There you go.

Went and did a fall activity. Oh, like an apple orchard? A pumpkin patch. A pumpkin patch. Up your alley, Josh. Yeah, I don't mind that. Pine Haven. It's in Wyoming.

Oh, yeah. A lot of fun. Pine Haven. They've got everything Halloween and fall going on there. We've been there many, many times. They're the ones that are, like, connected to the dead end hayride. Right. I was called a laughing bitch there.

I'll never forget when Nick and I went into that haunted house and a clown called me a laughing bitch because I laughed when he jumped out. You know, it was a fear laugh. Yes. That was where? That was that nightmare of Pinehaven. many years ago see I do remember that I think because I had a good time that was a good time yeah I want to say thanks to uh Terry train my wife and I went out to Terry's orchard over the weekend loose line orchard and want to thank Terry for for her kindness we always have a good

time going out to see to see Terry out there and she's got such a good thing going too and it's so much fun to go out there they've got a lot of of stuff and they keep adding to it. I saw her do... Gets bigger every year. I saw her do a segment and I forget if it was Channel 5 or Channel 9. That was recently, yeah. Yeah, just a couple weeks back. And she's so friggin' funny. I mean, she was so good on that, kind of showing around and they're like, ah, it's got to be great to own an orchard like that. And she's like, is it?

They talk about how much work it is. They work their asses off out there. Yeah, they do. Let's see what else happened. I watched a documentary about a dude who had six wives and very likely killed three of them. Oh, yeah. You might want to look that one on. I'm asking the wrong guy. You're asking the wrong guy what channel it was on, but I watched a documentary about a guy who has had six wives and very likely killed three of them.

Yeah, I saw they were promoting that. I think it was on Netflix. Maybe it was four of them. I don't know. You have to watch it yourself. Does he still have the other wives? Like he's like... No, I don't think he has any more wives.

Oh, they left. Well, they died. Well, no, like, what about the ones that didn't die? Yeah, I don't know where they're at. Is it called The Widower Till Death Do Us Part? I don't know. Was the guy named Thomas Randolph? Yes.

And he broadcast from the state fair on a very large stage. Was he there? He was there. Tommy was there? Who? Old Tommy was there? Tommy was there. Yeah, maybe you want to check that one out.

Six wives, three, four of them died. They called them the black widower. Handsome peckerhead, too. Oh, yeah. Ashley, you are going to... You're going to want this guy. And you're going to want them now. Is it worth it?

The preview looked okay. Yeah, sure. I don't know. Glowing review. Yeah, it was fine. I mean, it was a television show. I stayed awake from beginning to end. You know, I don't think any of my clothes came off.

Oh, I got my first shingles vaccination. I figured I'm already being tracked by our government. you know, from the COVID vaccination, what's the harm in having another tracking device shot into my bloodstream? You added a country. That's the harm. Now two countries are tracking you.

The governments... Yeah, it's not just the American government. Is it? US and Canada now? Canada as well. It's Canada. Yeah, that was a hell of a deal. Do you have any issues?

No, I mean, you know, my shoulder hurts a little bit still, just a little tender, but... And then I think I got a little... I ran out of steam, I think, a little bit quicker than I normally do. But somebody told me that sometimes when you get the shingles vaccination, it can make you a little groggy. Other than that, no, ain't no thing. You guys aren't such liars.

What's that? This guy's so unattractive. Oh, yeah, I was playing with you there. Yeah, he was being sarcastic. Good Lord. The widower, whatever they call him. How did he get six, whatever? Yeah, he, uh, yeah, I heard so many bad stories about that shingles.

Oh, yeah. Every, uh, every time I go to the doctor since I turned 50. He's always on my case about the... So I got the... A friend of mine's wife hat, she's 45. Sometimes you get it in your eyes, in your ears, and your ass. Privets. I don't know where she got it, but...

Can you lose toes and things like that? Yeah, I know it can be real bad. She had it real bad, said it was miserable. I thought a guy's toes came off or something for me. Maybe you're thinking of diabetes. Oh, I don't know. I got that done. Got to have one more.

Yeah, yeah. Like a month? That's the deal. They hooked me up with an appointment in December to give me that second ride. They say that's the one you feel like just absolute garbage for five days. I had mine. I didn't feel bad. You're all done?

Yeah, I'm all done. It was the same thing. That was the one I kept putting off and putting off and putting off. Well, I heard it was people had adverse effects to it for sure. But it wasn't, I didn't have any. I was lucky. But it was just like you. Anytime you go, once you hit 50, they're like, you should do this.

It's such an old man talk right now. Talk about your shingles vaccines. Well, yeah, we're aware of that. I love it. I love it. Oh, yeah, we also banged a bunch of broads over the weekend. We bought some side by sides. It's just so, I love it.

Well, I mean, you'll get there someday. I know. So come Friday, Josh, we're all heading out to Wisconsin. Don't forget to bring your blankets and your pillows. I wonder what everybody will be. like during an afternoon show. Like, because you, you're, are you usually napping at that time?

About 3 o'clock. Yeah, see, that, that's where maybe we should think about calling this off. That's usually when I am, like, needing a coffee. Like, I'm crashing at that time of day. I don't, uh, I don't like this idea anymore because damn near every day. I'm sound asleep between about 1 and 3. I was just going to ask if a noon would have been a better time. so it doesn't seem to matter.

Noon would have been better. It doesn't matter. Yes, I'm normally asleep. Or just waking up at 3 o'clock. So you're wondering what everyone's going to be like as in the four of us? Just because, you know, energy levels. That's why I was curious because I know you and I think, I don't know, Ashley, your nap schedule is probably off now.

Yeah, sadly. Well, what I'm going to do is get a solid beer buzz before we crack the microphone. Oh, are you? Yeah. Oh, that'll be fun. Yeah. That's the only thing that's going to keep me awake is if I get into the beer. Me being able to sleep until like 637 is good enough.

Like I think I'll be pretty energized. Like having a nap won't be necessary. It'll just be like it's a Saturday. Well, I don't mind the five-minute commute to work when we do the early morning broadcast. That's good for us, I think. But yeah, as far as just people coming in to watch the show, they do look missed. There's zombies for a little bit there. And so are we?

Yeah, a little bit. I mean, Jesus, cramining. So there you go. Yeah, I'm going to get into the beer. And I promise you I'll be sound asleep by 9.30. A few people are texting in on shingles saying you'd rather die than get shingles. That's the thing. I've heard it's absolutely awful.

I kept putting it off. And then it seemed like about every month or two, one of my pals would walk up to me and say, did you get that shingle, Shotsky? And I'd say, no, I keep forgetting. And they'd say, oh, I had it in my arm. pit. I had it in my eye. I had it on my taint and I had it between my toes, you know.

My dad had it and I remember him being miserable. I think he had it twice, if I'm not mistaken. Lucky guy. Was he afraid of the government tracking him? Is that why he... Probably just too cheap to get the shot. Yeah, I remember when my dad

got the shingles shots and maybe you had to be there. Maybe you had to know my dad, but this was the style of sense of humor he had. I don't think he had ever heard of it until his doctor said, it's time for your shingles shot. And I think before my dad got done saying, what the hell are the shingles,

the guy had stabbed him with the needle. And, you know, he just didn't know anything about it. And he got to, I think, again, you had to know my old man, but I think he got a kick out of the name, shingles. You know, he had a, obviously there's double meanings behind the, so anyway. After my dad got his shingle shot, anytime he and I were sitting at the house together

and the telephone would ring, he'd go, Schingle! That's it. That's the end of the bit. More anxiety than here, Jesus said his wife, who he's referring to as the shingles bitch, has had it multiple times. Oh, that sounds awful. Back, neck, ass cheeks.

People are texting in where they have. shingles on their body. Didn't you mention the taint earlier? I did a minute ago. It wasn't even that long ago. It targets the taint. As do I. Here's a text message from Sharp as a Bowling Ball Jesus.

You can always get a hold of us, of course. 651-551-193. Sharp as a Bowling Ball and Ball-Gesus. He must be a Delano guy. Is he the guy who, oh, I think he might drive school bus? Do I have you? So I got the right guy. Text us back.

Sharp as a bowling ball and ball. Jesus. Do you drive school? He texted in to say it's homecoming week in Delano and today is dressed like Adam Sandler Day. Please pray for me. Oh, no. Hey, I do that pretty much every day. You do pull off a good Sandler, Josh.

Your sweater needs to be maybe like an XL or like a 2XL and then it would be perfect. Yeah, a bigger sweatshirt. Yep. Yeah, I've sized down. because of how ridiculously oversized I was wearing for a while. I'm proud of you. Do I have your right, Sharpe's a bowling ball and ball, Jesus. Do you drive school bus in Delano?

Vertically challenged Jesus on the topic of shingles and ninth grade got it under her as she called them boobs. Under the boobs? Oh, that would be so, that's itgy. Yeah, I've heard terrible things. But I'm telling you, I, I don't think I'm making this up. I think some people who have it bad enough,

I think digits and what not have to be removed. Or am I thinking to someone else, something else. Text me, can you lose a arm or something? The only thing I can think of for that is diabetes. Let me look up shingles, lose a finger or something. Yeah, I include the or. something in the search. Because I swear to God, there was a story I heard that really scared me.

Oh, here's some people, okay, I've heard this before. They get it. You know where they get it, Cubby. Where? In the eyes, it's always the eyes. Oh, ouch. It's got lifeless eyes like a doll's eyes. All right, so it says shingles by itself can't destroy a digit, but secondary complications

can arise. Dude. where maybe, where, quote, theoretically, it can become dangerous. You said secondary complications. Shingle. Hello. Chicago? 5 a.m.?

All right. I'll be there. I got to go to Chicago by tomorrow at 5 a.m. All right, there you go. The technical name for shingles looks like this. Herpes Zoster. It's a form of... Herpes.

It's a form of her. It's a fun name. Now that brings up a whole different, that opens up a whole new can of herpes. Buddy of mine got him real bad on his face, and we had the time of our lives. Did he get it the way you'd imagine? Yeah, he pictured perfect.

He tried to lead us to believe that it was something else, but we were all fairly certain how he got those herpes. And I'm telling you, time of our lives. They were really prominent for a couple of weeks, I think. I mean, I don't know much about herpes. I'm from the Twin Cities. You have to understand. If I was from North of 694, I probably would have more knowledge on herpes.

If I was more of an outstate guy, you guys know exactly what I'm saying, right? Of course. But being from the twins, Wizzetto, we don't have a lot of, you know, filthy people. So I know very limited, I have very limited knowledge on herpes. I thought it was around a couple weeks that were pretty visible on his face. And I'm telling you, we did the right thing, Ashley. You want to know what we did? Yeah, I do.

We were relentless. We didn't let him cross the room without mentioning those herpes. Can I get you a beer? I'd say, do you say, yeah, Coor's light. What does your herpy want? A bud, old Milwaukee. You know, just anything. We reminded him that he had herpes on his face at every turn.

Hey, I want to say hello to an old buddy of mine who I just found out is listening. Montana Redneck Jesus, he is the nightmare clown that called me a laughing bitch so many years ago. You're falling for this again? Yeah, I absolutely am. So last week it was some dude. That guy playing the guitar. So now someone texted in to say, I am the laughing clown and you're buying it. I am buying it.

Montana Redneck Jesus. I don't know, man. What's up, old pal? Well, that's interesting. It's a cool name. Montana. How do you say it? Montana Redneck, Jesus?

Montana Redneck. It's beautiful out there in Montana. That was a fun memory. A lot of herpes, I bet, though. Oh, geez, in Montana? You're not kidding. All right, we ought to get going. You're a terrific crowd.

I think we've got a guest coming in later, and I think it's Dr. P. Jesus, if we want to ask that man about shingles, herpes and things like that. I bet he has some answers for us. He knows a thing. I bet he has some friggin' answers. But, yeah, again, kind of a funny week for us. We'll be broadcasting live here from the radio studio Monday through Thursday.

But come Friday, you won't hear us live in the morning. We'll be on our way out to St. Croix Casino Turtle Lake for our big old st. Stinkin' border bash. And we'll put on that afternoon show. Do we know what we're really doing at all for that afternoon show? No. will we have a better idea come like an hour before we go live? Again, probably no.

Your guess is as good as ours. But we're going to just let her buck. We'll be back in a few minutes here on the half-ass morning show. Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys

below the belt shrivel up into pebbles because. your house is so cold. Go to standard heating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93X and save a big double nickel. Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious.

You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialke. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits

for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer Podcast. I'm your host, Megan Klingerberg, and I am super stoked to be joined by D.K.

Arguably, your most impressive quality cannot be measured. You're a guy who is the definition of grit. Injuries have ended plenty of careers, but instead you decided yours would only be chapter instead of the ending. Welcome to the show, Darrell. Thank you so much. That's a good intro right there. That's good. The U.S. Soccer podcast, follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Bye, God. Earlier on this morning, we got to talking about shingles. I went out. When was this? Two, three days ago. And I got the shot. The shingles vaccination.

My first, as a lot of you know, it's a two-banger. I said to the doctor, I said, should I get the shingles shot? Because I have a feeling that the shingles are probably just going to magically disappear once the election is over. You know what I'm saying? And he said, let's just give you the shot and see what happens because we doctors have no idea what we're doing anyway, he said. He really said it. Yeah, he made it. That's nice. I've heard that before.

So we got to talking about the shingles. here on the program and herpes. Shingles is a version of herpes, don't you know? According to Wikipedia, shingles is like herpes' second cousin or something like that. From looking at text messages, it seems a lot of you have caught the shingle. And all of you have had a miserable time with it.

Josh pointed this out to me as he was reading through the text. He said there hasn't been one text from someone who said, yeah, I caught the shingle. and it wasn't so bad. Everyone has more or less said, you do not want this. It was hell on earth. Not one text has said anything other than that.

Either they or somebody the knew had it, said it was absolutely awful. Here are some messages that have come our way. A listener says, my dad had shingles a few years ago, and he described it as electrical shocks randomly shooting up his spine and into his head for three weeks.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, boy. That's a text from Chemical Transport Jesus. A couple of dudes texted in to say the same thing. They would rather drag their naked balls across six miles of broken glass than ever catch the shingle again. And here's why I'm happy, Cubby, that you told us you've already gotten your double whammy shingle shot. You're free and clear. I'm glad to hear that.

because a couple people texted in to say, do you know what causes shingle? I've heard, yes. Sometimes you can just catch it, but sometimes there's a direct cause, and that cause is stress. Yeah, I've heard anxiety can do it to you. Oh, you were all lined up.

I think that's why my dad got it a couple times. Shingles was ready to chew you to pieces. No, I outsmarted it. Yeah, now you're good, but had you not, because you're the anxiety king of Hennep and County. Well, more of a prince. I'm sure that there's probably folks that are worse than I am. One listener texted in to say, my ex-mother-in-law had shingles on her vagina. And the dude said, honestly, she's a terrible person and she deserved every bit of it.

The bookkeeper Jesus said he's had it twice. He's not even 55 yet. And in all caps, he said it's worse than being dragged behind a horse on a gravel road. Oh, my God. Great. I have a new thing to be absolutely terrified of. Oh, yeah. I mean, the horror stories are endless on this. Oh, and then just to change gears slightly, Baudet fishing guy Jesus, texted in to say that a buddy of his got herpes and warrode. I can believe it. I've been to war road many times.

It's kind of like when you walk in, it's like a gift bag. They just give you herpes. All right. Yeah, you don't want that, that shingle-dingle. that will part your hair for you. And at times, Ashley, not the hair that you're picturing. So here we go. We're going to bust loose with the stupid news report. And I'm leading off here with some information on a very interesting court case.

Something terrible happened in Las Vegas, Nevada about a year ago. And a judge out that way, he's trying to sort things out. the case has to do with a lady back one year ago. A lady was seriously injured when she fell off of a penis. One minute she was on the penis and everything was just wonderful. And then before she noted, she had come off the penis. And she got all busted up from by God head to toe. and her life hasn't been the same since.

So here's the damn deal. This poor gal who's still limping around a year later, she goes by the name of Amber. She's suing a tavern over there in Las Vegas. A joint called The Nerd. That's a cute name for a... That's kind of funny. What do you think about that?

I like it. Just a little beer hall there on the corner. What's the name of the Jern? The nerd. Amber had... traveled out to Nevada for a little vacation all the way from the state of Illinois, brought her girlfriends with her. Yay, Vegas, right, that whole gimmick. It's been done to death. Anyway, according to the lawsuit, Amber and her friend stopped by the nerd near closing time and asked

if they could go ahead and ride the nerds famous mechanical penis. Anyone here interested in giving that a shot if you're ever at the nerd? Yeah, it's fun. Why not? I've done the bull before. That's fun. Were they polite to you? I've seen the bull a few times, and usually the person operating it is nice to the ladies, but the guys, they're jerk-weds.

Oh, absolutely. Very nice to me. They hate the men on those things. They don't want to see that. No, you're done immediately. To answer your question, Josh, no. I have no interest at all in riding the mechanical penis. if you're saying, what the hell is the mechanical?

It's like a mechanical bull, of course, but a lot more pink and vainy. They did make that pink and vainy, didn't they? And it was kind of weirdly shaped. Unless I'm weirdly shaped, and I just don't know what a normal penis should look like. I didn't look at the pictures of the mechanical penis from the nerd. So I don't know for sure.

Maybe you can show me something. Maybe you can send me something. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went to Las Vegas once. and within about six hours, I was absolutely certain that I would never return. Not that I had a bad experience, but I'm just, I found out I'm not a Vegas guy.

You know, we went in and out of a few casinos, yay, you know, look at the prostitutes, you know, we're drinking 25-cent beer, which was nice. Downtown Las Vegas, we happened to be there during the rodeo final. And if you're ever there during the rodeo finals, the sponsor beer, well, this might have changed by now. But when I was there, the sponsor beer was Coors Light. And in downtown Vegas, in honor of the rodeo, you could get yourself a Coors Light tap for 25 cents. Holy heck.

In Vegas? That doesn't seem right. That's awesome. We did this. We did that. But I think we agreed on this, right, Josh? You went to Vegas once. And after a very short period of time, you told yourself, well, I've done Vegas.

I don't ever have to come back here. Ever again. Yeah. We went there for our honeymoon and it was okay. It wasn't really for us. Because you hear so many, like my brother for a long time, over a decade, they'd go every year. Him and his buddies, they loved it.

I've got buddies who go there multiple times a year. Vegas, Vegas. They just can't get enough of it. I don't get it. Personally, I don't get it. Yeah, it's not my style. Yeah. If you don't love to gamble, it's not really that fantastic.

I went and saw Larry the Cable Guy. I had a good time at the Larry the Cable Guy concert. We went to a couple shows. Yeah, I saw a magician. That was pretty sweet. I also got an alcoholic Baja Blast from Taco Bell. That was a highlight. That sounds awesome.

Dude, it was so cool. What magician? David Copperfield? Copperdale, something like that? Dave, one of the most famous. I feel terrible. I feel terrible. I'm sorry, I feel so terrible.

It's Copperdale. You're correct on the second try. It's David Copperdale. Yeah. He's been around for. Well, he's world renowned. Everybody knows David Copperdale. I saw David Copperdale once.

Yeah. He was very good. So, but Josh, when I was there, I, me and my girlfriend at the time, we got in line for the mechanical bull at some joint near the rodeo. And it's exactly what you described. My girlfriend got up there and they tried to make it the longest, most sexually charged event anyone could ever watch for free. Yeah, they know what they're doing. Have you seen those videos where the guy. running the joystick on the mechanical

bowl, especially if a girl's got an ass on her. The guy who's running that joystick and don't get cute with that, once he gets on that bull, he gives it a little. Pupup, pup, pupp, pupp, pop, pop, pop. You know what I'm talking about? He wants to make that thing bounce. He makes, what do you used to say, Josh,

back in the day? You said something about jelly-licious. What was that, you said? Booty-licious? I don't know. Oh, you used to ask people if they were ready for that jelly. Yes. Yeah. That's basically with the mechanical bowl guy is asking the crowd. Are you ready for this jelly? And he gives it the and the gal's ass goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And everyone has a great time.

So my girlfriend got up there and he did the whoopa, he did the whole thing and her top is flying around and her bottom falls out of her jean skirt. And then I got up there and he went, weep, weep, gone. Yep. He threw me. I almost left the entire club. Every time I've ever seen that, the mechanical bowl, it's the same. The girls are treated well, just enough to get them to jiggle. And the guys are like, get the F out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here.

There's five, six girls in line behind you. You get out of here. I think we saw that together. We went to a restaurant before, and I thought they had that thing going. That never happened. It did happen. Where were we? What?

At the Mall of America. Oh, oh, God. So here we go. Here's a gal in Las Vegas. She's at a bar called The Nerd. Her name is Amber. There's no mechanical bull. At the Nerd, there is a Mechanical.

penis. Did we already cover this that there's no unattractive ambers? That must have been a different name. Mariah. Yeah, this was just a couple of... Yeah, it was Mariah just last week. A couple of days ago you were talking about how you've never met an unattractive Mariah. So I think Amber's on that list, too.

I don't know if I've ever met an unattractive Amber. I know a pretty hot one. So Amber, the gal who jumped to top the mechanical penis, penis. Well, first off, she approached whoever was in charge of the mechanical penis, and she said, can I ride that some bitch? And the dude said, well, yeah, you can ride our giant fake mechanical Johnson. It's hilarious, right? And Amber said, well, yeah, and I bet if you work here every day, the joke never gets old. Sure. And the jokes that people come in and tell probably are so unique each time. So Amber

says she hopped up on the D. She went this way and that way. You know, while dude is operating the joystick and the control panel, whatever he's got. It goes fast, it goes slow, it goes up down, round and round, just like the real thing. Her friends are

cheering her on and acting like idiots. According to this lawsuit, out of nowhere's, Amber's foot and or ankle got caught under the shaft of the giant spinning, vain-laden mechanical dong. She was thrown smooth off the damn thing.

She landed all ass over Applecart, injuring her terribly. There isn't much more specifics here from Amber as far as where it hurts. It just simply says here she suffered serious and painful physical injuries along with, of course, mental stress. and a shock to her nervous system. So apparently the balls of the lawsuit here is this. Amber says in her lawsuit that the folks working at the nerd didn't have her sign any waivers or anything like that. And she also claims that they didn't warn her for Dick

about any of the risks of riding the mechanical pecker. So she says she's all torn up. from top to bottom, mentally and physically. And she's looking for around $30,000 for what they've done to her. Did you think this was going to go a different route when you saw the headline, injured woman on the penis, like she heard her privates in some way from riding that thing? I didn't really think about it, to be honest with you. That was my first thought, but maybe it was because did you, you guys follow that out of Louisiana,

a woman who was on like a zipline type thing and she destroyed her crotch. No. I mean, absolutely awful. Some sort of saddle she was sitting in. Okay. No. It just, like she fell. I think that something happened where she fell a little bit and it just ruined it.

I mean, it was to the point where I'm like, well, that sounds kind of funny. But reading how badly she was hurt, it was absolutely awful. No, I'm not aware of that story. A zipline accident. Yeah. I think it was on a cruise. and it was just terrible what happened to that poor lady's private. Destroyed her cooter.

Can someone show me a picture of the mechanical penis over there at the nerd? I'd like to see what this lady was riding before tragedy struck. It's like a video of a girl talking about the... It's very curved, but I suppose it has to be to sit in it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's very lifelike. There's like a... A lot of veins. Am I missing it?

And there is no sad. I thought there would be a saddle. There's nothing to even kind of hang on to either. No. No, you just have to hang. You grab the foreskin. You got to hang right on to that mechanical wad. Yeah, okay.

I thought there'd be a saddle, maybe some stirrups, but you are just straight up riding a fake naked rod. Yep. Yeah, you're just sliding all around that. They even have balls on there? The balls to penis ratio seems off. It seems like the balls are small. Everybody's different.

Everyone's different. Yeah, zip lining. Okay, well, keep us up to date on that one. So this gal had her privates torn to shreds and she's involved in a lawsuit? Yeah, she's a part of one. I mean, it was the amount of money it cost her. I mean, just to be like helicoptered to shore or whatever, was $8,000 or something.

It cost to like $50,000 to just get to a doctor. It was outrageous. And the whole time she's, I mean, that's, That must have been like a horror show. Yeah. When I went ziplining, it was mostly a massive waste of time. It was really hot. We were in the jungles of Costa Rica.

Monkeys were screaming bloody murder at us for invading their territory. Monkeys were throwing their feces at us for invading their... Was it uncomfortable? Is it uncomfortable for a man to be like in that harness thing? I don't really remember that part of it. I did it once, not like Nick. It was more just like at a little... I think it was CHS Field is where we did it.

So it was not that big a deal compared to what Nick did. And I wasn't uncomfortable. I don't remember the harness, except for what I'm about to tell you. I mean, what was cool about it was we were way the hell up there in the tallest trees. I mean, to look down was a little unnerving. And this is why I still enjoy telling this story. I mean, it was the real deal. The dudes who were running it were the four or five most stones.

19 year olds in all of Costa Rica. They were so high, these kids who were running the operation, which made me a little nervous, but whatever. I went along with it. But this was the story that I still like to tell. They got me strapped into the thing, and they go, okay, you stupid bastard, and they pushed me, and I went wing, ding ding, ding, ding, all the way to the other platform.

And the whole ride across that wire, I didn't really feel properly strapped in. I felt a little too loose. So when I got to the other platform, I said to Stoner number three, I said, I don't think I got strapped into this sum bitch proper. And the dude does this. He goes, oh, no, no, you're fine. Oh, wait. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, yeah.

This was supposed to go here and this was supposed to go there and this was supposed to go there. So I actually was not, so I could have fallen, and the monkeys could have. I'd be like, can we make sure, you want to radio him and make sure he's not strapping anybody else in? It was so hot, too. That must be a thing to be high if you're operating one of those, because the dudes that were operating, the one we went to, were very high, and it reeked. Yep, same here, but I was in Colorado, so it makes a lot of sense. I mean, I wasn't mad at the kids, because if I was running the zip line,

six days a week for stupid tourists, I'd probably want to be effed up on something too because it would just be so monotonous. Here we go again. Okay, I tie you into the thing like this and you go over there and then we own this, that. All right, you ready? Yeah.

Ready to do some zipping? Yeah. All right, let's hear you say zipline. Zipline. Shaku bra! Woo-hoo. All right, nice zip. Well, stupid dude.

Oh, really? Yeah, dude, it's bargain's shit. That South Park episode was very true to life, if you compare it to my experience. Because, I mean, yeah, it was okay. It sounds like it would be so cool. I ziplined over the Royal Gorge, and that was incredible. I don't know what the Royal Gorge is.

Well, it's just like, basically somebody just took a knife to earth and just sliced it open. Where is that? It's in Colorado. Oh. Yeah, it was really cool. It was one of, like, the best experiences I've ever had. Well, that sounds great. I mean, the jungle was kind of interesting for a while.

That's where we were doing it. Like I said, the jungles of Costa. But kind of like the episode, there were four or five times. I was convinced it was over. But no, then they pointed out seven or eight more trees that we're going to. And then, oh, we'll take a break. Have something to eat. Have something to eat.

I mean, are we? It was very much like that episode. Come on. Get us out of here. I didn't plan on being here for eight hours. Shock up, bra. All right. You got to see what it is I'm talking about here to help you out. So hopefully, Ashley has this gimmick up on our website, 93X.com.

The sheep. Oh, great. Keep going. Let me see. Here's the deal. There's a deal. bank brand, weigh the F out there in Godless New Zealand,

a bank brand called Kiwi Bank. For their at, you better hurry on this because I'm getting to the good stuff. Sure. Kiwi Bank. For their advertisements, they use a cartoon mascot by the name of Buck. Get it?

Buck, they're a bank. Yep. And don't be fooled by the name. In my opinion, Buck is a very, obviously female sheep. Buck is a you. She has big beautiful eyes, long beautiful green hair. No way Buck is a ram. Apparently, the issue here for the folks at Kiwi Bank is the fact that New Zealanders can't stop making perverse comments online about Buck. That's not right.

The locals are in lust with their beautiful cartoon sheep mascot. So over and over again, Kiwi Bank is fielding messages from their customers simply saying, I want to F Buck's stinking brains out. Any sign of that yet on our website? Yep, it's posting right now, so it just needs like a couple minutes to refresh or whatever, whatever the internet needs. Kiwi Bank says it doesn't want to add to the already overwhelming amount of filth on social media. But every time they threaten legal action against a Jay Brone who is posting sexual comments about Buck,

every time they get one swing and D to shut up, 10 more perverts up and post something dirty about how badly they want to fold their adorable mascot. Are there any product mascots that you are currently in lust with? No. I mean, Josh, I know the way you swing. You'll take anything, right? Pretty much. Yeah, I'm not...

Smokey bear never puts a shirt on, so you know he wants your attention. Maybe the brawny guy? Oh, yeah. Good one. Yeah, the brawny paper towel man. Yeah. I don't mind a plus-sized partner, so, you know, if there's a Kool-Aid woman out there somewhere, I'd make a run at the Kool-Aid woman.

I mean, there's something about Betty Crocker. Oh, sure. You know? She just seemed very sweet and loving, and she can bake. So again, Buck, the sexy you mascot at Kiwi Bank in New Zealand, is drawn out the worst in people. All they want to tweet about is how badly they want to bang this character. One funny tweet fell into the mix.

What does this guy say? One dude tweeted, Welp, years of effort to convince the world New Zealanders aren't sheep effers has gone down the drain. That's pretty funny. I agree. I thought of another one. The mom of the Charmin Bears,

she's got a little bit of sex with you. That apron and glasses? I love those bears. I have not paid close attention. The mom of the Charmin Bear family. Okay. She has glasses? I don't remember her having glasses.

Oh, I don't know if she wears glasses. Says here, Kiwi Bank isn't the first company to have its mascot unfairly sexualized by random online derelicks. It says here, Tony the Tiger, the big old talking tiger man or whatever he is that represents delicious frosted flakes breakfast. It says here a lot of furries are looking to throw him down. Yeah, I could see that. He's a big muscular guy, powerful. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't know the furries were after Tony the Tiger.

You'd tear him apart, Ashley, I bet. No, I just find all of those mostly adorable. You find, I'm sorry, what? I find mostly like all those adorable. Product mascots. Yeah. My favorite is a snuggle bear Snuggle bear

Dude that thing is so cute Yeah it's cute It is funny that this has just become such a problem for the bank They're just going to say all right forget it What are we going to do? Everybody wants to F this thing We shouldn't have made it so cute They're going to come up with an ugly mascot

I mean the way she looks at you That's the thing I can't I would never get online And announce my feelings for a cartoon sheep mascot. But when I look into her eyes, there's something there. That's for sure.

Check it out on our website, 93x.com. Again, don't be fooled by the name. Buck is not a ram. Buck is a U. But they're a bank, so of course they went with the... I'll tell you what, there are times I've been watching M&M's commercials, and some of those female M&Ms are pretty sexy.

Oh, the green one's a spicy little number. Yeah. I don't mind the pink or purple ones. I guess I'd have to check them out, too. I'm not terribly familiar with the... Why didn't they call her Dolly? Kind of a play on Dollar. Yeah, that could have worked.

Maybe Dolly's not a thing there. Is it a dollar there? I don't know. I don't know. I never thought about that, Josh. Yeah, you're probably right. There probably is no such thing as a dollar over there. I thought we were in America.

I'm sorry. I thought this was another South Park reference. All right, get a load of this sorry bastard. They do spend the dollar. Yeah, they missed out. They do? Their own dollar. I think we got time for this one.

How about this sorry bastard right here? In Georgia, a dude faked a friggin heart attack to try and skip out on his tab at Red Lobster. It seems like something Larry David would do. You cheap prick. Dude went out for something or another to eat at his neighborhood Red Lobster. People are texting in saying, well, maybe this isn't appropriate to say out loud anymore.

People have been texting in product matter. that they were sexually aroused by. And maybe now that the times have changed the way that they are, it's not right to say some of these characters out loud. Because some of them don't present themselves to be grown characters. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, maybe there was a time where it was appropriate at your particular age, but now not going to work.

So this is fine. I'm fine with this. You picked him up. you dropped him Jesus. This is a little different because this is a live human being. I know quite a few people you picked him up, you dropped him Jesus, who are wildly attracted to flow from the progressive insurance comedy team. Do you know who I'm talking about?

Of course. Yeah. If you watch TV for three minutes, you'll see her. I know quite a few. Actually, I know some that are into Jake from State Farm. I know plenty of ladies that think he's something else. The first person I ever heard. express a deep lust for flow from the progressive insurance comedy team

and they do put together very funny ads. The first person I heard just squirming in their seat they were so in lust with flow from progressive insurance that first person was a lady. We were watching the television together and Flo jumped into the mix

and she said, God Lord, would I like to throw her into the tall grass? Yeah, there's some. something about her. So here's a guy in Georgia. Again, he faked a heart attack to try to skip out on his bill, that red lobster. He knocked down some crab legs or something. When it was all said and done, he owed him $63 in trade for his dinner. Then he tossed himself down onto the floor and started flopping like a croppy making like he was having a grabber. Frigan Abdul, that's the name of this effing guy. Nobody was buying his gimmick.

first off he's 26 years old not exactly the wheelhouse for a full-on cardiac shutdown he has a rare condition obviously Abdul I guess committed to his act he upped and called 9-1-1 while he was rolling around on the floor of the restaurant of course that was dumb as balls

paramedics figured out real quick that Abdul his only physical issue was $63 worth of seafood in his belly, something he wouldn't have to worry about until tomorrow morning. Paramedics figured out right away. There's nothing wrong with this guy. Next, you know, the police showed up and they tossed the irons on Abdul. Jesus, what a tool bag. So he's in trouble for theft of services, making a phony 911 telephone call,

this and that. he's now in the county jailhouse. Probably pushing that lobster into that tiny little stainless steel toilet there in his jail cell while everyone watches him. It's nice to have an audience. I wonder if that's ever worked if he's tried that before and he got out of it. Good question. Oh, I suppose. If he had the balls to go for it, maybe it had worked at a different joint.

Now, I haven't seen this commercial yet, but we're getting a lot of tax on a hot, mascot. The AT&T lady, are people, you guys familiar with the AT&T lady? I'm not. This is a live human being? It must be. Yeah, we're getting a ton of text on her. I'm fairly sure I know who that is. Yeah. Yeah, she's very, very cute. Oh, yes. She's, yes. As for flow from Progressive, a person here says I work for Progressive and I'm staring at a life-size cut out of her right now. Oh, man. All the temptation. Tough to get work done. I hear you on that. Yeah, there's some keepers out there. Oh, God. Here's a little. listener who claims to have had sex with Joe

Camel. Really? Yeah. So one of us have achieved our dream and had actual relations with one of these world famous product mascots. Man, you hook up with Joe Camel. You just Eskimo brothered yourself in a big way. I'd imagine he got a lot

of tail. Oh, big time. Oh, well this listener says that Joe Camel banged my lungs out. They're pretty deep, huh? Some of our listeners like an older character. Some of our listeners are saying when they were younger people, they had a crush, maybe possibly it could have been defined as lust,

when they would look at Mr. Whipple. Oh, yeah. I mean, he was kind of a sweet old man. He was probably the original spokesman, I would say the original spokesman. He started doing television ads for Charmin Aswipe in the 50s. Don't squeeze the Charmin. No, he's way too cute to look at that. The slogan was, don't squeeze the charm and squeeze this.

Over here is what he would say. There are a few of our listeners who had an attraction to Mr. Whipple. Well, he was so helpful. He does, like very helpful. People like the Toyota Lady. That's another popular one coming in. I can see that. Who the hell are you?

I'm the Toyota Lady. That's who I am. Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. football, that's what it's about. We don't have a bunch of five stars on our team. We don't have any five stars on our team. This was going to come down to playing our style of football,

dictating the terms of the fight, dominating, and being the best team. And we were. Today, we were. There you go, PJ Fleck. At least this was a plasma-free post-game celebration this week after they brought the little brown jug back to town. Yeah, he did a little, what do you call it, crowd surfing in the locker room. He does that whenever they win, as far as I know.

But he kept it, he kept himself clean this time around. That was pretty cool, though. He did the crowd surfing here in the pregame, too. Pre-end post-game crowd surfing for PJ Fleck. And we got the jug back in town, Cubby. That's what you've been dreaming about for years. That's pretty cool. I think I was two the last time that happened.

Oh, be dead. Well, the last time they claimed it at home, yes. At home, yes. The last time they claimed it at home was 19 and 77. What's going on with the gophers? It's funny because, you know, So they beat Washington and now they beat Michigan. They beat Michigan.

Yeah, whatever. Sorry. My husband, every single time he's like, oh, I didn't know Washington sucked. And then now he's like, oh, I didn't know Michigan sucked this year. Like he doesn't want to admit that the gophers are just doing good. He's just like, oh, I didn't know those teams sucked so bad. Is he a fan of a different team? No, he loves the gophers.

He's just like doesn't want to believe it yet, he says. Well, tell him. to blow me. Tell them to watch the Vikings this year. The Vikings got a big win yesterday. I'll be damned. The Milwaukee Brewers pulled one out of their ass. The Atlanta Braves won a game over the Los Angeles Dodgers.

That's a tough series to watch, but I'm glad to know that Atlanta is hanging in with the the man bear pigs are off to a two and oh star. We got plenty to cover. Plenty when Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder stopped by a little bit later. Back to a conversation we were having a few minutes ago. about, oh, what was it, Josh? We started off with, have you ever been sexually attracted to a product endorser?

What's the better way to say that, Josh? Yeah, not necessarily a mascot, but. Yeah, product, character. It's a weird story. There was a story out of New Zealand where a bank has created this cartoon sheep mascot. And everyone from one end to New Zealand to the other is all over social media saying, this cartoon sheep mascot is so attractive, I want to have sex with it. So we started this conversation. Have you ever been in lust with a product mascot? And people said this about Tony

the Tiger and that about who else do we cover? As far as like the cartoon. Then it evolved into real live breathing human being product endorsers. and people talked about flow from friggin that insurance company and the Toyota. So I got a couple of more texts here. One of our lady listeners says that she thought that Mr. Clean was kind of sexy with his bald head and his earring and his big muscles. I could see that. Mr. Clean.

And then a couple folks said they're not scared. They'll go a little older than average. And they wished they would have had a chance to make a run at Orville Redenbocker. I could see that as well. A popcorn guy, right? Back when he was pushing his delicious popcorn. Sartel Sheez said, what about the Capital One guy? Yeah, he's a handsome fella, isn't he?

I don't know him. He's not bringing any bells. I know I've seen that commercial so many times. He's the one that, like, lives in the Capital One area, right? I don't know if he lives there or not, but he's there in every commercial. I can tell you that. I don't know that guy. I'll tell you that right now.

Josh's news is coming up next. Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning, because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys blow the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold.

Go to standard heating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93X and save a big double nickel. Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay. All right. Enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back,

your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints. need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. The U.S. Soccer podcast. I'm your host Megan Klingerberg, and I am super stoked to be joined by Darrell D.K., arguably your most impressive quality cannot be measured. You're a guy who is the definition of grit. Injuries have ended plenty of careers, but instead you decided yours would only be a chapter instead of the ending. Welcome to the show, Daryl. Thank you so much. That's a good

intro right there. That's good. The U.S. Soccer Podcast, follow and listen on your favorite platform. The Half-Ass Morning Show, 93X. We must evacuate a Soviet after the The stadium has been evacuated. We are asking community members to avoid the high school. This remains a significant police presence. Inane Prairie Schools is communicating directly with students and families regarding evacuation and pickup. Anytime something like this occurs an incident like this is shocking. I want to express gratitude to our first responders, to our police, to our fire,

and to regional police that have come out to help. There was plenty of action at a local homecoming game Friday night, but unfortunately some of the biggest action had nothing to do with football. Police say a gang-related shooting outside the Eden Prairie High School football stadium marred homecoming weekend during Friday's game against Minnetonka, leaving two teens injured. According to the Eden Prairie Police Department, a large altercation unfolded on the west side of the stadium before officers broke it up. Police removed several individuals from the grounds, but gunfire rang out a short time later in a parking lot just north of the high school.

It was a great football game, but it ended unfortunately, you know, the way that nobody would have imagined coming into it for sure. A shotgun formation is one thing on the football field, quite another in a stadium parking lot. That was the scene where two teenagers, ages 17 and 18, were wounded in a shooting. According to a statement from the Eden Prairie Police Department, investigators believe that shooting was targeted, both survived with non-life-threatening injuries, neither was enrolled at Eden Prairie or Manetan.

Nataka High Schools, though police say both are known to law enforcement. As a result of the violence, Eden Prairie High School's principal announced Saturday's planned homecoming dance has been postponed. Police noted the investigation remains ongoing and further updates will be released as they become available. In the meantime, the homecoming game, which was postponed after the shooting on Friday, is set to resume at 4 p.m. today. You see, so much has changed over the years, Josh, gang-related shooting.

were never part of any of my homecoming activities. No, ours neither. Nothing you even thought about. They had no business being there either. Like, didn't even belong to either of the schools. It's ridiculous. Sounds like everybody involved, right? Had nothing to do with it. We never got involved in that. When their bus driver went into distress, two Pennsylvania high school students pulled off

what seems almost impossible for modern teenagers. They put down their cell phones, and nobody even asked them to do it. There aren't many things powerful enough to make a teenager tear their eyes away from an electronic device and deal with the real world. But surveillance video released by the Holidaysburg Area School District shows the exact moment students jumped up to take control when they realized their driver was facing a medical crisis. What the hell was going on with the driver? Some sort of medical crisis. Oh. As students prepared, maybe shingles.

That's the topic of the morning. As students prepared to get off what they thought was a stopping bus, the vehicle. began to roll forward and suddenly the wheels on the bus went round and round, while the driver's head on the bus slumped down, down, down. And that's when they noticed he was in trouble. We started drifting forward, and then his head went down. I immediately jumped into action and helped the bus driver as much as I could. I stepped on the brake. One girl launched out of her seat and raced straight toward the driver. She opened the bus door to give him fresh air, while her friend dove in to slam on the brake pedal, bringing the heavy vehicle to a halt. Working together,

the pair grabbed the radio to call for emergency assistance and carefully monitored the driver's pulse until help arrived on scene. Now, every time his young rescuers board the bus, the driver greets them with a little grin and says, my hero. The Hollidaysburg area school district phrased both students for their fast thinking at a Facebook post, and best of all, the drivers doing just fine and is officially cleared to be back behind the wheel. God, they had to put their phones down, though. That sucks. Yeah, they did. I mean, that was the amazing part. Pretty great that they did this. And one girl said that she had just learned in class what to do

if somebody were to pass out like that guy did. Oh, wow. That's incredible. This is up on 93x.com, too. You want to see it. It's super cool. A middle of the night chase across the North Metro came to a crashing end and a blestead. Ditch last week. A Fridley officer tried to pull the pickup truck driver over about 3 a.m. Thursday, but the man hit the gas and took off. Soon he had company. That decision to run kicked off a North Metro Law Enforcement Group project involving

officers from Fridley, Roseville, St. Anthony, New Brighton, Moundsview, and the State Patrol. The sheriff's office shared dash cam video from a Ramsey County deputy who later took over that pursuit. The driver tore through the Army training site in Arden Hill. before plowing into a ditch in a blamed neighborhood. The pursuit lasted 13 minutes, covered 18 miles, which is a pretty long way to go just to end up in a ditch. Authorities say the man, later identified as being from Andover,

had a felony warrant for what the report called, quote, dangerous drugs. And this wasn't his first brush with the law. Far from it, as a matter of fact. The Andover resident has been in trouble and over and over and over again. And if you like bad boys, ladies, he qualifies, he's got a prior conviction for obstruction, fleeing police, disorderly conduct,

DWI, driving without a license, and assault with a dangerous weapon. Wow, show me someone in Andover with a clean record. He likes to party. Yeah, he doesn't even make a dent in what happens there usually. As patrons spilled out of a touring event starring cast members from the Rocky Horror Picture Show at downtown Minneapolis's state theater last week, they discovered the real horror wasn't on stage it was waiting on the sidewalk with a can of pepper spray. At about 10.40 p.m. Thursday, multiple theater goers were exposed to an unspecified chemical irritant

with some requiring on-site emergency medical assistance. Minneapolis police responded to reports of people spraying each other with mace outside the theater. They found several victims affected by the chemical irritant, including a woman who believed she was the specific target of the attack. MPD says preliminary information suggests another woman sprayed the irritant into a crowd along Hennepin Avenue, then fled on foot. A representative for the state theater confirmed the substance was sprayed on the sidewalk and carried into the front lobby, adding the organization has handed over security footage and details to investigators. Police shared no additional details has a press time, so the curtain call on the investigation could be a ways off.

However, numerous attendees have taken to social media. reporting symptoms ranging from severe eye irritation to headaches and burning skin. So do they think this woman did this to be malicious? Well, they think, well, according to the woman who was hit first, she thinks the other woman got her on purpose. Oh. Just a little mace fight. Wow.

Ain't no big deal. There's a little post-show mace fight. I have mace, and I've always just wanted to spray it so bad. It's just, it looks like such a fun little button to press down on. Well, I mean, you can face Dana. Do what we did back in high school. This is what a friend did to me. Went down into the basement of my home,

well, my folks' home, of course, to be more specific, and sprayed the mace everywhere. And then he said, holy balls, get down here. You got to see this. I went running down and I mean, it was horrible. It was the dirtiest trick ever pulled on me. I just got a mouth. full of the stuff because I thought for sure, I don't know, the dog was dead or something down there.

He got me good, Covey. Get down here. You're not going to believe this. That's the worst. And he took the brunt of it too just to be able to prank me. Wow. That's commitment to the bit. I've experienced that a couple times, one directly to the face. I don't know if it was mace or pepper spray. This is at the Mall of America. There was a giant fight out of nowhere in the rotunda. I mean, we were walking out and these kids came from everywhere. These young kids, people. There'd have been like a hundred or more. It was crazy. And so the cops, they were just so overwhelmed, they're macing the crowd, right, or pepper spraying, whatever they were. And I got it directly in the face, and it took a second to kick in. That first second,

you're so confused, like, what the heck just happened? And then every fluid in your head just pours straight out. And you can't breathe? It's awful. You should do it to Dana. And it takes a while for that stuff to clear out. Oh, it definitely does. I mean, our basement was off limits for about three days. The stuff just hung down there. Of course, it's an old unfinished business. No openable windows down there. So we just had fans blowing for a day.

This is the same dude, by the way, who, I don't know, it wasn't even that maybe a year later. We went to a basketball game at Minnetonka High School. And my pal goes into the boys' room and waits about two. I was still outside in the hallway. He waits about two minutes and he goes, oh my God. And so I went running into the bathroom and he hit me right in the mush with a fire extinguisher. Oh my God.

Well, not like with the, but. Yeah, I know what you said. He sprayed it. He sprayed. No, dude, I was thinking he just whacked you. He sprayed my. That's his bit. Yeah, right in the cake.

Totally. Yeah. Full on fire extinguisher cloud. One right up my nose, mouth, ears. Oh, my God. Never go running when he calls. Yeah, he was good. He was good.

It's one of those things, pepper spray. A buddy of mine sprayed it in our lunchroom and high. school and it took out the entire lunchroom. Did it? It didn't really take a lot. It just kind of, there was a big wave of people coughing, and I thought it was a bit, you know, went from table to table to table, and then it got us on the other side. That sucks.

You know what would be really impressive, Josh? What's that? If you could clear out that lunchroom naturally, if you know what I'm saying. I know a person who could do that, and it was a lady. Don't even talk like that. It was a lady. It was a lady. Still is.

You wouldn't even know a lady. I know a lady. You do not. Isn't Ashley a lady? You don't need to know. All this time. It's not in your business. All this time we've been wondering.

She is your co-worker. And not a lady? She's not a lady. Every story has... Boy, you just made things really uncomfortable in here. I did? Yeah. Am I a lady?

Every story has two sides. You are a lady. And in this next story, so does the axe. A man in Florida earned himself three hots in a cot after threatening a family with an axe at an Airbnb. On Wednesday afternoon, 44-year-old Matthew Miller, who lives across the street from the local Airbnb, picked a fight with a family that had just checked into the rental. Was that listed on the brochure?

Maniac with an axe will threaten you at some point during your... They didn't bring it up, but you should get a discount. Yeah, I'll pay more for that. As the family walked out of their vehicle, Miller aggressively confronted them to vent over where they had parked. The father tried to de-escalate the situation, reassuring Miller, They were just about to move the car. Miller wasn't having it, having it, that is.

He kept screaming and yelling, and then Miller lost his marbles and found a two-sided axe. With the axe in hand, he started shaking it in a threatening manner as he marched toward the family. Fearing for the family's safety, the father pulled a handgun to protect him and told his daughter to call police. Miller later admitted to deputies that he got into an argument with the victim. He claimed he felt threatened and decided to arm himself. But Ditsy Borden also admitted he brought the axe out before the victim drew his gun. Thank God he had a gun. Well, everybody in Florida has a gun.

What was this guy thinking? Of course the other person's armed. I'm sorry, I parted here for three seconds. Just chill out. That was it. Everybody needs to chill out. Obviously something that's been bugging him for a long time. Did they gut out the rest of that trip in the same Airbnb unit?

Oh, I need a follow-up. They didn't say if they decided to take off. Once they took Dinkus away, I suppose the problem was solved. I bet that would classify as a refund on their website. Well, I wonder. You can't really control that. They said, no, you're screwed. You have to stay there.

It's the risk you take. The New Orleans Saints who hosts the Vikings next Sunday, hosts the Falcons Tonight for Monday Night Football. Then a couple things on CBS, the new season premieres of FBI and CIA. One of Ashley's celebrity crushes, Jesse Eisenberg, from the social network. You see me, Zambuland and Batman versus Superman is 43.

You got a crush on that guy? Yeah, he is so good and now you see me. And they just came out with that, the new one. Yeah, I got to watch those. But I watched it and, yeah, it's great. Franco's good in those ones. Oh, so good. Dave Franco?

Yeah. Everything he does. The good Franco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good point. You loved her topless and Titanic. Your kids hate her in Divergent, and the critics love her in Mayor of Easttown, Kate Winslet, 51 today.

I'm still mad at my mom for covering my eyes at a screening of Titanic in 1997. Pack theater, like the entire school was there. I got the girls around me that thought were cute and there's my mom covering my eyes when Winslet brings her boobs out. Yeah, it's embarrassing. So embarrassing. Also from mayor of East Town, not sure what you've seen, him topless in, Guy Pearce, 59, hockey legend, Mario LeMew, 61, horror legend,

Clive Barker, 74, ACDC legend, Brian Johnson. 79. Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl, by the way, joined ACDC on stage Friday at New Jersey's MetLife Stadium. He played a little guitar and sang backing vocals on Highway to Hell. Who was that? Dave Grohl. Oh, sure. The foo fighters opened that show. They were filling in for the pretty reckless.

Orgasm donor, Jesus. Text in a happy birthday or a technically belated birthday to his American brother, drill till it squirts, Jesus, and says chocolate milk and donuts are on him today. I don't like that. Yeah, that's kind of nasty when you think about it. It could mean a couple different things, though. It could be, he could work on an oil field. That's what I'm assuming he does. Happy birthday to Ceceybug, turning the big 07 from Dad, and that's 93X News.

Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder on the half-ass morning show. Swing and a high fly ball down the left field. It's off the railing. It's in fair territory. It is tied. If it's in fair territory and it goes off the roof or one of the railings, it's in play. That might have been a home. I think that was a home run.

The ball did hit over fair territory. You're better about. And Ty France cannot believe it. He was disgusted, Ty France. By God, he was, yeah, a controversial finish to Saturday's NLDS game one between the San Diego Padres and the Milwaukee Brewers. Right, Randy Schaber? Right, Brad Ryder? Yes.

You are correct, sir. You heard the sum bitch right there. The play-by-play man with the Padres downer run in the top of the ninth. Here comes big old Thai france, hits a moon shot to left field, one out with a man on. If that goes into the seats, the Padres would have had the lead. But the baseball went ramshackling off the lid of the Brewer's ballpark. dropped right into the left fielders glove. Jackson Cheerios.

And, yeah, like you heard the announcer say, if that ball is in fair territory, and it hits the roof or a truss or a cable or whatever, it's in play. It's a live ball. If a ball like that is caught, it's an out. But that didn't help the Padres or their fans. They're convinced that they were boned on this deal.

I'm okay with that. I want the Brewers to win. And they were calling for, you know, maybe a new rule to be put into play. They mentioned things like with the technology and the data and everything we have now, maybe that shouldn't be an out. Ty France was pissed about it. Mani Machado mentioned something after the ball game. You know how they do that now with the velocity.

and the angle, launch angle and all that stuff. It wasn't a subjective call, though. I mean, that's the ground rule. No, no, no. I understand that. But it seems like the Padres were saying, you know, maybe there's nothing we can do about it now, but let's do something about it pretty damn soon.

It's not your ballpark to do something about. Right. Yeah, I'm sure if it would have been the other way around, they would have been fine with the rule. Yeah, forget it. Now, some folks went ahead and did the arithmetic. Some baseball experts and then just your regular baseball nerds sat down and did the arithmetic of this Thai-France fly ball, the left field. So it had a 105.3 mile per hour exit velocity and it was at a 49-degree launch angle.

So something called statcast and some baseball geeks did the math and they said the only ballpark where that ball would have been a home run would have been Dakin Park, Dakin Park, I don't know what they call it, wherever the Houston Astros play, which has a short porch in left field. So if you're wondering, would that ball have left the stadium? Had there been no lid? Apparently, if you're a mathematician, the answer is no. This is exactly why you have the rule that you have in that stadium

instead of trying to guess or have someone guess what that could have been. So maybe by next baseball season, maybe they'll decide they'll go about that ruling differently and they'll consider the launch angle and the miles per hour. I doubt it. They will not. You're absolutely certain of that. They will not. Oh, okay.

I didn't know you were so sure of it. I heard in all the years they've had that ballpark in Milwaukee, that's the very first time that's ever happened. so they're not going to reconsider it. That didn't happen 100 times. Well, I didn't think they'd put guys on second base in the extra innings in, you know what I'm saying? What am I trying to say? You're right.

I didn't think they'd have robot umpires, but okay. Pitch clocks. Pitch clocks. How about that win for the Brewers last night? They walked off the Padres in game two. And again, it was that Cheerios dude who hit a big rod in game one. Brewers are down one, bottom of the ninth. They rallied. Bases loaded.

Jackson Cheerios, rips a shot up the middle to score two. They win the ball again. The Brewers have a two games to none lead in the Best of Five series. I'll be dipped. I'll say this. I don't think the Padre's plan is to ever have Mason Miller pitch more than a couple of batters. But he threw 40 pitches last night and well over an inning of work. and that's not what you want your closer to be doing.

So that's kind of a little bit on them last night to have a guy. And he's really good. Don't get me wrong. He's one of the best in the league. But that's not what you want your closer to be doing. Well, I'll tell you what that closer should have been doing last night. When you've got a full count against Gary Sanchez, and you have a 103 mile per hour fastball in your,

you throw, you, you, you, You throw Gary Sanchez that 103 mile per hour fastball. I don't know if you saw it. Full count on Gary Sanchez. He was the dude who loaded the bases and allowed Cheerios to bat. Gary Sanchez is at the play, and you throw him an off-speed pitch on a three-two count instead of your 103 mile per hour fastball? I don't understand that decision at all.

How about you let your starter that's only thrown 72 pitches and only thrown five innings and only given up three hits and struck out six and not one? walked about it or go more than five innings. How about we start there? Yeah. Yeah, well, if it was 1989, they'd agree with you, Bradrider. The Atlanta Braves beat the Dodgers last night by a run, so that series is squared up at a game apiece.

I can't seem to stomach that series yet. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch that series. I'm just glad Atlanta won one of the games because now they've got a little bit of hope, because I think most of us would agree that we would like to see the Dodgers out. So at least Atlanta's got a shot now. Speak for yourself, Brad. Okay, well, Dana, I'm sorry.

I'm kidding. That's right, I can't apologize. Today slash tonight, you got the White Sox Guardians. That series is 1-0-0 Chicago, and you got the Yankees and Ray's 1-0-Tampa Bay. Now, baseball's best player, White Sox's first baseman, Muna Taka Murakami, slugged his first postseason dong in Saturday's game between the Sox and the Guardians. And after the game, of course, everyone's got a stick in this guy's face now as soon as he gets into the clubhouse because he made such a name for himself by getting hammered when they clinched the division. I'm drunk, the I'm jappant.

We love that. Yeah, right. The media can't, they can't get into the locker room quick enough to talk to Miracami. So he hits his first career postseason home run. after the game he was asked what was going through his mind when he hit that dong and he said

I can't really explain it in words right now but it was something a little bit dirty you hit the home run you turned and yelled toward the dog out what were you feeling in that moment well I can't really explain it in wars right now but it was something a little bit dirty it was a translator right now Okay.

Translator straightened that out for us. Nobody's sure what he meant by that, and most folks don't want to know. I don't speak English. No. He doesn't remind us quite often, though. Something a little bit dirty. Yeah, I wonder what he was thinking. I got to know.

This is my guy now. I got to know what he means by that. Some folks don't want to know. I want to know. Maybe he'll have another big moment today. Now, usually, the vice. Vikings would be the lead story around here, especially when they're undefeated. But Josh and I made a decision before the show started that they didn't deserve it.

I'm texting about it yesterday. My goodness. We are convinced. You guys. Aren't you going to ask us if we're convinced now? That's what I do at the end of the story, Brad. Okay. All right.

Right. I've been doing that at the end of all of our conversation, not at the beginning. the answer this week, but go ahead. And please tell me you brought your ukulele. No, I forgot it again. God, what is it? I'm just not used to hauling around a miniature guitar. I'm sorry.

It's two weeks in a row. I forgot to bring my stupid ukulele. I'll put it in my pickup and keep it there starting today. Okay, so, Josh and I were texting about it yesterday. We are convinced that that was, that first half of that ball game was the dumbest first half of professional football in the history of the game. So that's why we bumped the Vikings down to... Why would you say that?

Why would... 15 combined penalties? Is that what I thought it was? 14 or 15? I thought it was even more than that. Yeah, I thought it was more too. It was up there. Whatever it was a big part of it. Yes, the penalties was a big... It was just dumb. It was just awful. Weren't you so excited about Kyler Murray extending plays with his legs? He's going to run all the place?

I think he forgot. He's good at that. You know what, Josh? I never even thought about that, but you're right. He just kind of stood there a lot of the times. He really hasn't done a lot of that yet. Well, as the late great Gerra Burns once famously said, you can win a football game in many ways.

Yes, you can. The Vikings are still unbeaten after a beautiful victory over the Miami Dolphins here in town yesterday. Could have gone the other way pretty easily, but they got it done. Dolphins haven't won a ball game yet. Yeah. They had a couple of touchdowns called back on account of penalty. Oh, that one was so close.

That sideline out of bounds guy. About two inches, his toe was out of bounds. That was it. That's one play where the replay saved the Vikings yesterday. Mm-hmm. Yes. The Vikings defense again did their job, special teams, too, little Willie Reichard. He's the best.

He is the best. Mm-hmm. He had to go ahead and kick five field goals. Some of them. aren't chip shots either because they can't get into the red zone hardly ever so he's kicking 50-yard field goals all the time should we be booing the offensive coordinator this is also reminiscent of 1989 isn't it randy if that would have been the los angeles rams on the other side of the football it would be just too perfect if they had put k o c's picture up on the scoreboard and they booed them

calling a play this had such a jera burns 1989 vibe two it, it was just obscene. Yeah. So yeah, Little Willie had to kick five field goals. She ended up a 15 to 10 final final. Of course, the boys were up playing without their star wide receiver, Justin's Jefferson. T.J. Hawkinson had a career tying type of a game. He had 13 receptions, 119 yards.

He was good. And he had that game winning catch on third and five from the Ted yard line where he could have coasted into the end zone, but he changed. chose to sit down and drain the clock with the dolphins out of timeouts and that whole smear. Yeah. I'm sure there's some, the betting public was dying when he did that. Oh, I didn't even consider that. Yeah.

I'm sure. I am not sure what the number was, but I'll guarantee you, the Vikings were a bigger favorite. It was 10, Randy. It was 10. I'll bet they were just absolutely dying on both sides of that bet, by the way. That was the first thing that we started talking about at the bar yesterday was how many degenerate gamblers just shut their pants when... I always forget about that stuff.

Yeah, I bet people were pretty upset. You know, Miami, to only lose 15 to 10, look at how many plays they ran yesterday. If I have this right, they ran 35 offensive plays, basically, 17 passes and 18 runs. The Vikings threw 37 times. I mean, the Vikings threw more passes than the dolphins did total plays. The dolphins ran three plays in the fourth quarter, I thought I saw. That's unbelievable.

Three plays in the fourth quarter. That's really the story of the game is the time of possession and the number of plays. The Vikings ran 68 plays to the Dolphins 35. You know, you're not going to win running 35 plays. Not to cross over here, but the Saturday game was a lot like that. I know you're going to talk about it, but the Saturday game was a lot like that. Right. Same thing.

The Minnesota team held on to the ball a lot longer than the opponent. Well, absolutely. And that's really the story of the football game for the Vikings. It was not a slug fest. It was not. I mean, the Vikings defensively gave up. almost as many yards as the Vikings rushed for yesterday. There's a lot

of things that was very similar, but the big difference in the game was the number of plays. Was the number of offensive plays the Vikings ran? I've just received a meme and it is Little Willie Reichard, the Vikings kicker. And

he has Kyler Murrah in a, what do they call the front side baby Bjorn? Bjorn? Front side baby carrying thing. A baby buren? Bjorn, I think I can't know. Okay. So Willie Rikert has got a big smile on his face.

Kyler Murrah looks a little upset, and he's being carried around in a baby buren. And the entire Vikings roster, Willie Rikert is also carrying the entire Viking roster on his back. That's pretty much it.

That was just sent to me. So they're 4 and 0 for the second time in three years, if that matters at all to you? Yeah. I mean, you'll take it any way you can get it at this point. Because. Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say, because they've had, they've shuffled quarterbacks.

They lost maybe one of their better, although Aaron Jones is playing phenomenal football. They need to get Mason back, so they have some depth at that position. I mean, T.J., you know, they played without Justin Jefferson yesterday. Hawkinson caught 13 passes. Look like the Hawkinson they traded for a few years ago. I mean, they just, and their defense is playing really well. So it's just, it's a combination of so many different things right now. And I think it's the opponents they're playing right now, too.

I think the schedule will get much more difficult as we move along. Well, yeah. But, you know, they're 4 and 0. Here are some text messages coming in from our listeners on yesterday's Vikings. games psychedelic Jesus says this is wicked irony. Finally, the Vikings are able to score a touchdown and the smart thing to do is to take a knee. Where was this other one? After, oh, I don't know, after watching.

They've done something they haven't done that hasn't been seen in the NFL in 92 years. Did anybody else see this? Say that out loud one more time? They've done something that hasn't happened in the NFL in 92 years. Go ahead. They're four and O, and I have only scored touchdowns and two of the wins. I'll be damned. It's only happened.

The last time it happened was 92 years ago, 1934. Up next, a game in New Orleans, Louisiana come this Sunday. And you can watch the New Orleans Saints play tonight on Monday Night Football, if that's the route to take. And they're a decent football team. That quarterback is really good. That game for the Vikings will not be an easy game, for sure. And they're putting Drew Brees and it.

their version of the Ring of Honor on Sunday as well. Sure. That'll get them all juiced up too. But Tyler Schock is a really good quarterback. If you watch football tonight, he'll be fun to watch tonight. Isn't the Milfman on that team, Zach Wilson? Oh, I forgot with the Milf man. I think he's... I think so, yeah.

I don't have a clue. I had forgotten all about that some, bitch. The Milf man. Other results yesterday that you might take interest in, the Chicago Bears, defeated the New York Jets. so I believe they're 3 and 1, are they not? That's correct. Green Bay's hot again.

Look out now. Green Bay's red hot. They beat Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay is 0 and 4 and only half a game out of first place. That division is so bad. The Carolina Panther defeated the Detroit Lions last night. I'm telling you what? They're really good.

I know they're 2 and 2, but their schedule's been very difficult. That's a good football team offensively. Wow. I'll follow it. Yeah, they looked good last night, and if they stay healthy, they're going to be a team to watch. Is it the San Francisco 49ers, the only other unbeaten team? No, Kansas City. No, no, you didn't let me finish my sentence in the national football conference.

Oh, yes. Okay. But also, if you move over to the American football conference, there's Kansas City, and that's it. Those are the three? Yeah. Just three. San Francisco beat Denver yesterday by 10 points. Brad Ryder was just mentioned in some yestery now.

He said it's been 92 years since, and I already forgot what you said. 22 years since a team's been four and all and only scored touchdowns in two of the four games. Damn. Justin Herbert of the San Diego, no, don't tell me. Los Angeles Chargers and Sam Darnold of the Seattle Seeducks, they were on the wrong side of yistory yesterday. on the first play of Sunday's game, Herbert through an interception. On the very next play, Darnold threw an interception.

First time in NFL history that a game opened with consecutive interceptions. They're going this way, Josh, and then suddenly they're going that way. But then they're going back the other way. It's so confusing. Yeah. And Dana passed on some very important information to me yesterday, courtesy of a pal of his. Dana says that a friend of his

looked up now is this guy going to be on television tonight? Tua Tagla Volola? He's the backup. He's the backup. He's the backup quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. The starter is Chris Chandler. Michael Pennix.

Okay, well, we might see him on the sideline hanging around. Steve Bartkowski. Steve Bartkowski. Bob Lee, the great former Viking Bob Lee. Has anyone ever looked up to Tawa Taga Volo Lola's full first name? I mean, that is something. Yeah. There's no way in hell I could even come close to pronouncing his first name.

It's just like somebody fell asleep on a keyboard. Yeah, you can't walk across it. He's Hawaiian, you know, they've got a different style over there. So Tua is what most folks just refer to the guy as. Incredibly long, complex first name, incredibly long and complex last name. Dana's friend found this out, and it's true. I did some research.

His middle name is Donnie. What's your buddy's name, Dana? Rob Page, I guess we all know him. Oh, this was a factoid, if that's a word, passed along to us by local living legend former wrestling referee Rob Page. Absolutely. Some bitch's middle name is Donnie. It doesn't make any sense, does it?

Not your Donnie. I wonder why he doesn't go by Donnie. He may have been named after my Donnie. I don't know. Maybe Tua's parents cross paths with my friend Donnie. I don't know. What was your question, Jeff? I wonder why he doesn't go by Donnie.

That'd be cool if you went by Donnie. I have a feeling Nick will be calling him Donnie from now on. Yeah, why not? I mean, it's hell of a lot easier than saying his real. name, you know, the first and last name, there go Donnie. Before you get off the NFL, I'm the Vikings GM. I'm driving back to Egan after that game yesterday, and I'm making one phone call. Just to see, I'm calling the Houston Texans, just to see if they have any interest in

unloading C.J. Stroud? I'm not familiar. They are 0 and 4. These are their starting quarterback. Okay. They've been starting quarterback the last few years. So now we're dumping Kyler Murrah into the second. string position and we're going to make a trade for CJ? Yep. I mean, it might be fun to make that telephone call.

I don't know. Don't think it's going to happen. I didn't go anywhere, but I thought I'd bring it up. I'd say trade for nine back. I mean, was that a joke or are you being serious? No, I'm being serious. I don't know. I don't know who C.J. Stroud is. I wouldn't know him if the two of us were kissing, open mouth kissing. He's better than the option they've got. He's won a playoff game.

He's under a relatively cheap contract for another couple years. Okay. his rookie contract. Yeah. There's no way the Vikings are going to upset the apple cart at 4 and O and trade for a C.J. Stroud. I don't think so. No, I don't think so.

And I don't think the Texans are going to unload him. I know they're off to a terrible start, but I think that they will weather that storm with him. They're not going to finish one of the worst teams in the league. They're just too good not to do that. I love trades and I love drama, Brad, so I kind of wish you were the general manager of the Minnesota. You're telling me there's a chance. Whoever C.J. Stroud is sounds pretty good to me right now.

I think the Vikings would, I mean, to me, the quarterback that's on the hot seat that could find a different team at some point is Justin Herbert. Because that offense is awful. Yeah, but that's not going to happen because he just signed a massive extension in the offseason. so you can't afford them. I'm saying from an affordability standpoint, the Stroud move would make sense. Well, I think that there's a team out there that would have interest in Justin Herbert,

and I think the chargers may have to retool altogether because this thing is not going the right way. High-profile DWI guy, Tony Romo, has been officially dumped by CBS television. We didn't know that until yesterday day before, right? That's not old, right? No, that's not. This is new news. I wasn't sure.

He's been dumped from his role as their number one NFL guy alongside Jim Nance. He's been given the gas. He's officially out of CBS sports. As you know, he was arrested for one of those DWIs over the summer. And Tony commented on the situation by damn. He did already. He said, I'm proud of what I accomplished over the last nine years. I'm going to take this time to take a break.

focus on my health and my family before moving on to my next opportunity. Must be nice to be filthy rich. When a filthy rich guy dramatically loses his gig, he can just disappear for a couple years until everyone forgets about what he's done and they're still going to be filthy rich. We regular schmucks have to suck it up and go begging our brother-in-law for a job at the frigging Chrysler plant. Know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it's different rules. Different rules. Oh, boo-hoo. to go take three years off and count my millions of dollars. And he can easily afford a lawyer that's going to get him out of trouble. And you know, Josh, we regular schmucks, when we take that job from our brother-in-law, we got to

beg them for it at the Chrysler plant. Every swinging D at the plant walks up and goes, oh, didn't you lose your job dramatically over a TWA? And we've got to say, yeah, that was me. I'm drunk. Friggin, lucky bastard. CBS has still got to pay him, right?

So he's still going to get paid after all this? Oh, is he? I didn't know that. Yeah, something. Must be nice when you lose your job dramatically. You can just kind of fade off on a yacht somewhere with nothing but college girls, you know, for two, three years. So that's his situation. But here's the great news from the weekend. The little brown jug has come home. Unbelievable.

This past Saturday, the Golden Gophers beat those crooky, sleazy, disgusting, cheating dicks from the University of Michigan. Got a text message from Medical Device Jesus. regular listener, regular texter, a Michigan State alum and by damn to the core, this guy hates the University of Michigan, brings it up all the time. He texted in to say, Nick, if I might, I would like to address you the entire morning show and your entire audience. I wish to convey my most deeply sincere gratitude to the Minnesota Golden Gophers and their fans for their courageous and heroic defeat of the true pure evil. The true pure evil that is the Michigan Wolverines.

You are all heroes. Stand tall. I shall never forget this, and I will always look fondly toward PJ Fleck, the Golden Gophers, and the University of Minnesota. God bless you all. They got it done. They did.

Yeah, and they pretty much dominated the game. I mean, in a lot of ways. score shouldn't have been as close as it was. They dominated all phases of the game. They beat Michigan for the first time since 20 and 14, and I know they don't play every year anymore, but... That's the first time at home since 1977, right? 77.

The same year that Kiss released their legendary love gun record. That's right, Randy Shaver of 77. That's amazing. They're now four and one overall, two and oh in the Big Ten. Yeah. Lindsay threw a couple of touchdowns there in the fourth quarter. Through one. Yeah, right, right.

He threw one. He threw a couple of picks in the first half, right? He threw one to Michigan. Right. Golden Gophers only had one penalty in the entire ballgame. I was impressed when I read that statistic. Yeah. I was kind of hoping they could have put the some bitches away with one more touchdown there

on their last two, three drives. They were unable to do that. we still had the dramatic, you know, nail-biting ending to the ballgame, but they got it friggin' done. I don't know if you saw this. I did not, but Fox Television had its big pre-game show in town for the, for Saturday's game. And Golden Gophers head coach, P.J. Fleck, we congratulated him earlier

for keeping this victory celebration plasma free. Yes. At that pregame show, PJ crowdsurfed on a sea of students from the studio stage across the field to the stadium. It doesn't look like he made it all the way. No, they brought him back. But they tried, he attempted to crowd surf his way from the pregame show all the way to the stadium. And then, of course, the post-game celebration, he crowd surfed in the locker room with the ballplayers. PJ and the boys

they will play at Purdue this Saturday and Josh knows this I am sick and effing tired of losing to Purdue Well don't stumble here I mean if you don't stumble and you play well and you're 5 and 1

you get a bi-week and then you get the Iwo-Egens coming in that 5-1 yeah look at the schedule after the by week Iowa I know Indiana, UCLA. Penn State.

Well, Penn State's not the same Penn State. No, but they have to go there, though. I mean, that's still going to be tough. And Northwestern's a good team, and Wisconsin is back. So the schedule gets considerably more difficult after the biweek, for sure. Did everyone see the video of Goldman Gofer quarterback? What's his name again? Drake?

Drake Lindsay. Did you see the video? the video of Drake Lindsay getting kicked in the balls by his own team? Yeah, I saw this. I saw this. It was a total accident, I think. I don't think the guy meant to do it. Oh, no, no, no.

No, that was on purpose. You think so? Of course, I'm freaking kidding, Brad. All right. Well, I thought maybe you read something that I didn't. No, no, no, no. Okay. Well, I don't know what play had just ended.

They just completed a play on offense. And it looked like one of Drake Lindsay's big old offensive lineman was upset about something. and he's like kicking his leg in the air because he's upset. And Lindsay's standing there just straight as an arrow, just watching, and he just gets kicked right in the frigging pills. Oh, my damn. That was a keeper.

Now, speaking of the University of Minnesota, the University of Minnesota's M Club, one of the oldest varsity letter winner clubs, inducted 10 new Hall of Fame members this past Friday. They do this with... You ever been to one of those, Randy Schaber? Brad Ryder. I have not. No.

Brad maybe has. No, I have. Actually, you know what I have? Way back in the day. In the late 90s, I was. Sounds like a fun event. I mean, they bring all these great athletes. Yeah.

From, you know, every sport available there at the U of M and recognize them for their accomplishments back when they were playing. So 10 new members. Giermo Alvarez, a men's gymnastics type of a character. Luke Apert, these are the 10 that went in over the weekend. Luke Apert, a baseball player, Daniel Croston, swimmer, diver type guy. Lauren Gibbermeier, Mendez, volleyball, Jody Horack, women's hockey. Brock Lesner!

Yes. Brock Lesner was there over the weekend. Yeah. recognized for yes that's true recognized for his days as a wrestler so dominant as a gopher wrestler it was just insane

Sarah Parsons another volleyball player Leslie Weiss a softball player the other two some bitches who were thrown into the U of M Hall of Fame the M Club Sean Lumpkin fabulous safety great football player

and Larry Olam. Oh, yes. Go for puck. One of the slickest defensemen I've ever seen play the game of hockey. He was so skilled. And I know he's still in town here coaching somebody. I hear about him now.

He was coaching Ornoe Girls Hockey at one. Does anyone know where Larry Olam is these days? I don't. I don't know. But I'll tell you, when I was a kid watching Larry Olam, I just thought. I thought he was going to be the next. next Paul Coffey. Now, things happen. And I'm not saying I was disappointed by, you know,

the way his career turned out. My God, he was, I'm just saying, I will always think a Larry Olam as one of the most skilled defensemen I've ever seen play the game. So there you go. Congratulations to all those folks. I have to admit, when I saw the picture, they all took a picture together, you know. Lesner looked a little out of place. Yeah, he did. Jesus Christ, he's the size of a house. Yes, Randy. Looks a little bit different, don't they? A little bit older. A little bit.

I recognize Olem right away, though. When I look at the picture, I recognize Olam right away. Sure. I can't find what he's up to now by looking at his career stats. You know, the last team he played for before he hung it up? Go ahead. The Minnesota Moose. Oh, Jesus, balls.

Yeah, I remember the moose. Yeah. Yeah, seeing Lesnar squeezed in there with a, like, a swimmer and a gymnastics guy. It's just one of these things is not like the other. But if you had taken that picture 20 years ago or whatever, he still would have been the biggest guy in the room. Oh, yeah. Well, I suppose.

Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying he's a little more monstrous looking now than he was when he was a college kid, you know. True, true. The pigs are out the gate with a 2-0 record. They won the home opener. How do I say this? Yeah, they won the home opener Saturday night over the Boston Bruins.

State of hockey. Russian kids scored a goal, too, if you count empty netters. This is interesting now. Eight different pigs got onto the score sheet Saturday night. Nine did in the season opener. So they're spreading it around, and that's nice to see. Yeah. They've also killed all eight short-handed situations through two games.

But I think, if I remember correctly, they had a hell of a, maybe that was two years ago when they're I'm trying to remember I thought they had a hell of a penalty kill unit last year but maybe I'm thinking of two years ago the boys will play at Buffalo tomorrow night yeah then the floor to swing after that so they're on the road this week

like we mentioned last week 21 of their first 31 games are on the road now weird Quinn Hughes his brother Jack Hughes he in the New Jersey Devils started their season with an overtime

win last Thursday night. Jack Hughes scored the game winner, which is cute. Hughes also did an in-game interview with ESPN and a gal by the name of A.J. Let's go. Let's go. I'm going to go with AJ Let's Go. So between the first and the second period, this let's go lady interviewed Jack Hughes. And she tried to be funny, and it was funny, but Jack Hughes was not interested in joking around. If you remember, last year, Jack Hughes cut his finger terribly during a team dinner

and he missed like near 20 games because he opened up this hole in his hand with a steak knife or something, right? And we all got a few laughs out of that. Jack, still, at least not willing to joke about it during the game. Here's this gal picking on them.

Well, it's great to see you healthy. It's wrap you in bubble wrap and use plastic cutlery cutlery this year. Does that sound good? I mean, I think that's a weird joke, big game. And then he skated away. Well, no sense of humor here in a big game, but I appreciate his time. And he had a good start here this season. So weird, so weird.

That's like asking PJ after the game to talk about the game and he does his one line like he did on Saturday, right? You expect him to talk and he does the one line. Yeah, I think Go go for Sky, you might. Right. Turch around runs away. I kind of feel bad for that gal. I mean, that was a solid joke.

Yeah. It was a solid joke. He had to. Just left there looking dumb. And you heard, you know, Hughes say, well, I think that's kind of a weird joke mid-game. And then he skated away. Good for her because I was like, you're weird.

Weirdo? And then she asked to like, you know, uncomfortably closed the segment, you know. Well, not much of a sense of humor here in a big game. Big game, it's the first game of the season. She should have said, thank you. I'll be here all week. Stick your waiters. So he left her hanging. He left her hanging.

There might be some history there, too. Maybe he doesn't like her as an interview person. That could be. I don't know about that. That was kind of insensitive. He skates away. He skated away. Oh, and also, speaking of Jack Hughes,

it says here that recently he went ahead and broke up with that country singer, taint McRae. Tate. Tate. No, he got it. What? Tate. Yeah, taint. You're saying it wrong. You're adding something there.

Why you, I ought to. You know, I got sad the other day, and you folks, we'll have no idea what I'm talking about, but long-time NHL defenseman Lyle O'Deline has died. boy he played for a lot of teams for a lot of years maybe just maybe some of you remember him playing for the Montreal Canadians in 93 when they won the cup he was only 58 years old and he died this past Friday I played for the the habs and the devils coyotes blue jackets everybody and he was just one hell of a solid reliable defenseman his entire career I don't have any cause of death here.

They haven't announced it. All they said was he had a severe blood infection a few years ago. Dude. The stories, pretty much every story mentioned that. The details on what got him sick five, six years ago, I've never heard anything like this in my life. And I don't, like Josh was just saying, they haven't released a, I don't know if this had anything to do with his passing at 58 years old.

But it says here, in 2018, Lyle-Odeline was dead. golfing in Arizona and he got pricked by a cactus. And that led to a near fatal blood infection. Has anyone ever heard anything like that before? No. The infection traveled into his heart and his organs began shutting down. Oh, my. He needed liver, kidney, and aortic valve surgery.

Because of a cactus prick. F, me running. I never thought that was possible. And the injury, or that's, pardon me, the surgeries did leave him temporarily paralyzed. Holy balls. I guess be careful when you're wandering around in the... He's just one of those guys from my hockey past. You know what I mean?

Mm-hmm. I think I traded him many times on NHL-95 and whatnot. There were certain players that I always would move to my roster when I used to play video games back in the 90s at NHL 95. I wanted guys like Lyle Odeline and Brett Hedekin and Scott Stevens. I wanted a big horrible defensive unit, Ken Danico and Mark Tenorty and guys that would just destroy the opposition. And then at Forward, I always made a trade for Gary Roberts. and you guys are saying, who the hell is Gary Rob? I just liked Gary Roberts from the Calgary and Joe Newendike.

Josh, do I go through the whole roster? Keep going. I'll admit it. This is going to upset some people, although, man, is dead now. He can't defend himself. But I did make a lot of trades for Claude Lemieux. That's going to upset a few of you, Chris Draper fans. But I always wanted Claude Lemieux on my team because he would usually make a run at somebody

and, you know, some blood on the ice. And the ambulance would come out. By the way, Golden Gopher Hockey hockey. was swept at Michigan Tech in their opening. The Golden Gopher hockey team's playing now, too. And they got swept over the weekend playing at Michigan Tech. Two top 20 clubs there. It's going to take me a while to get dialed into, you know, the roster.

I know they got a new coach and a few new faces over there, so this will take me. Hockey season, it always takes me a while to get a... Oh, yeah, it's October 5th. Yeah. Takes me a friggin' while. So there you go, Randy Shaver and Bride Rider. Sounds good. That ought to do it for you, for you bastards,

but we appreciate it and we'll talk to you very soon. Okay. Everybody, get ready in a few minutes. Our old pal will be swinging into the studio. We'll be jaw jacking with Dr. Pete Jesus coming up next on the half-ass morning show. Well, hey, you beautiful podcast, people. Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show.

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Joining us in studio is our old pal, Dr. James Parnell, as we check in here, 828 Monday morning, 93X-Hafass morning show. Joining us in studio is Dr. P. Jesus. If you have a question about your overall general health, this is a place to be by God. 651-551-193. How do I say it, Josh? 93-93-93-93.

651-551-93 is our text number brought to you by our friends at Luther Bloomington. Kia. Hello, James. Hello. You know, earlier we got the jaw jacking about herpes and shingles. Which have you had? Um, well, neither, I guess. Lucky you.

Well, I had chickenpox, which is the virus that causes shingles. So it's the same thing. Explain that now. Explain that now. So if you've had chicken pox as a kid, does that make you more apt to land shingles later in life? Yeah, the way it works is the first time you're exposed to that particular virus, you get chicken pox. You have an overall body reaction. Your body develops antibodies against it and tries to get rid of it.

But for whatever reason, that virus is extremely sneaky and it kind of retreats back along the course of a nerve and sort of hangs out. And they call it a dorsal root ganglion, like a little cluster of nerves outside the spine. And just is dormant there. It waits to pounce. Yeah, your immune system sort of like, you're still there, you're still there, you're still there. You're still there. And then your immune system one day, oh, man, you're sick or you got something else going. Oh, where did that thing go?

And it sneaks out and it kind of reemerges. So it kind of waits for you to be sick from something else and then jumps into the mix. I mean, yes. Okay. Basically, it gets a chance to do what it does, which is replicate and takeover cells and spread. And then it reemerges along the course of a nerve or two onto the skin. Why do they wait to your 50 to get the shingles? because, I mean, vaccine, we've had plenty of people text in today at much younger ages who had shingles.

By the way, nobody recommends it. Everybody says it's absolutely terrible. Yeah. Yeah, it's. No one recommended it at all. Yeah, we're a chicken pox. I'm like, get yourself the chicken pox so you get it over with. Just for the record, the reason why we started talking about shingles and herpes is because over the weekend I got my first shingle shot.

Oh, okay. Loading up for number two in December. So we got to talk about it. So, yeah, what did Josh just say? Young people get it, too. Why the 50-year-old deadline? Here's someone that got it at 13.

Appliance Jesus. 13. 13. Lower back in his groin area. It will attack the gear. Lower back and groin. Okay. So for most people,

well, this is where it gets a little confusing, though, too. 13. 13. Exactly. You know, well, traditionally we all got chicken pox. Now everybody is.

immunize. And so I think the natural history of shingles is changing a little bit. But in general, your immune system usually is pretty good at suppressing it and preventing it from happening till later. So that's maybe one of the reasons the vaccine's not given. The other is that when you're younger, if you get shingles, you have this rash, you have pain, and it goes away and it hides again. We get older. Our immune system gets weaker. It gets weaker. Why does stress cause it? People are saying, well, why would stress bring the shingles out? Are you going to let me answer that first? Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know. Oh, yeah, two words for you. Dushbag. What's that all one? How do you spell douchebag? I would probably spell it without a space, so. Hey, Josh. You can throw another word in there.

We got them. Yeah. We got them to snap. Oh, yeah. Well, we were doing the 13. No, no, but it is an important distinction because the, the main reason that the vaccine is later is because when you get shingles as an older person, you can get post-herpetic neuralgous. So that's when people get pain that persists well after the virus has gone away.

And it can sometimes be, it can be annoying and mild and last for weeks or months. Or it can be like disabling pain that honestly never goes away. We heard some terrible stories. Yes, go ahead. So that really is, that is what the vaccine is trying to prevent. Okay. It hopefully does, it decreases the likelihood of someone ever having shingles. But more than that, it decreases drastically the likelihood that someone will have

terrible pain during shingles or even worse chronic pain after shingles. So that's the sort of, yeah, that's what we're really trying to prevent. All right. And now what about the stress thing? Yeah, stress. I think it's just because stress is a stress on your immune system too. I mean, see, that's why I said to Josh earlier, thank God he's gotten the double whammy shingle shot already. Because of his stress level?

Well, yeah. It can get bad. You would be more shingle than cubby right now. Yeah. You had a year round. That would be. Sometimes it happens when friends yell at you for no reason. Like stress kicks in. I didn't think I was yelling.

I dated a girl in college who got it, and I am quite convinced it was because I stressed her out so much. Really? She caught it in college. She really did, yeah. And, of course, at that point, I didn't know what it was. And it was interesting because that's the first time I've seen, well, that's the only time of my personal life. I think where I've come across it. She thought she had, you know, pulled a muscle in her back really badly on one side.

And then over the course of a couple days, like, oh, look, you have a rash there. I hope I didn't give you herpes there. Right. Yeah. How bad did it get for? Because like we were saying earlier. It was quite painful, quite painful. But, you know, it resolved.

I mean, basically it bubbles up. It does look like herpes because it is, they're both herpes class viruses. They're related. They are. What's up with it? Like, they've thought I've had it before because I've. I've been very stressed out. And then I ended up getting bit by like a gazillion tiny little spiders.

So it ended up being that and not shingles. But it was on my butt. And they were like, oh, I don't like that. It's on one cheek. They said like that's a giveaway as if it like stays on like one side of your body. Why? Usually that's shingles because again. Really?

Because the virus is in again, a dorsal root gangling, which is only on one side of your spine. So when it, when it emerges, it should be along the past. of a nerve classically only on one side of the body. And literally like in a, you call it a dermatome. So like a patch of muscle nerve tissue that that nerve goes to. So it's, you know, it can wrap all the way around because that's how those dermatomes work. The real problem is when it's on one up in the face because you can, if it gets in your eye. We've heard about it getting into the, yeah.

Somebody said their dad got it in his eye and nearly lost it. You can. It almost fell out. Yeah, or the ear is the other place. I mean, basically, you can have, you can go deaf. A family of spiders went after your bottom? Yeah, it was when I went to Utah. I was hiking, and that's where I messed up.

Was it on both sides? Nope, it was only on one side. It was actually, it was so terrible. I came back. You didn't find a web back there or anything, did you? You should have seen me on the airplane home trying to sit on that. It was so itchy and so painful. You probably looked like you had to to toot.

If you were just leaning to one. one side the whole time. I went to urgent care and she was so just like, what is this? She pulled up Google just right in front of me and was like, I think it's this. This looks a lot like it. And I'm like, oh, God. 6-5-151-193. If you have a question for Dr. P like here, this one, this question goes like this. How much is too much caffeine? I guess I don't, I don't know the milligrams. Okay. is like 400 is the most they recommend? I'll Google that.

Yeah, that I don't know. I remember, I think this was on the David Letterman show when he was doing a top 10 years and years ago. It was like top 10 disregarded product slogans or top 10 product slogans that never made it to television or something like that. And it was it was what was the brand of coffee? Jolt?

No, no, no. Oh, coffee. The brand of coffee, good to the last. last drop. Folgers? Let's go along with it. So on this top 10 list, talking about, you know, disregarded product slogans, it was Folgers Coffee.

Good to the, how was it again? Maxwell House. Maxwell House coffee. Good till the irregular heartbeat makes you drop the cup. Anyway, too much caffeine. Josh said something about 400 milligrams. That's what it says here. Up to 400 is considered safe.

That's so much. For most, most people. I think part of its tolerance. I mean, if you're not someone who generally drinks caffeine, you'll be sensitive to it. People really do build up a tolerance to it. But I would say if you're getting agitated or if you're feeling like your heart is literally racing or going into an arrhythmia, that's a bad sign. That can make you mad. It definitely can get you agitated.

It gets you edgy. Yeah, it gets you uppity. Yeah, I definitely had too much caffeine where I've turned into a very agitated human man. Really? But how? You're just running hot in all directions. Yeah. Go, go, go, go.

I feel like people probably drink more than 400 milligrams these days. Yeah, they do. It's insane. With all the energy drinks and soda and... That stuff scares to live in how long. I mean, one of those little energy drinks are smaller than like a self, like a white claw would be or something like that. And those have like anywhere from 200 to 250 milligrams of caffeine. I agree, Nick.

O.G. Garbage Man. Are you afraid of caffeine? I have stayed away from those completely. I haven't had a caffeinated drink in over 20 years. OG garbage man Donnie texted in to say caffeine is unlimited unless you are a little bitch

is the way he looks so. Well, that settles it then. I've watched some of my friends their intake is it's frightening. I've been bad in the past. I still probably do too much now.

Ashley, were you just talking about those little shots? No, I wasn't, but you were talking about yeah, those. You can get them from the gas station, those little shooters of straight energy. Yeah. These guys will drink all day and it's 2 o'clock in the morning. You know, most everyone would go to bed. No, they have it a little bump.

They have a little shot. And then they drink for three more hours. That can't be good. I don't, I hate those. I stay away from those. My mom had a half of one once and she had a pull over. She thought she was having a heart attack. Oh, boy.

That stuff's a frightening. Okay. Crazy chicken lady, she just says she's had a slight head cold for the last week, lost the hearing in her left ear for about 24 hours, and it's starting to become slightly painful. Do I have to go to the doctor, or is anything I can do at home to alleviate this? Whenever I get a terrible cold, it goes after my ear holes.

Yeah. I get some pain in there. Josh, you get that too, and you can't hear dick. Oh, yeah. It's terrible. Chiropractor. I used to have chronic ear infections when I was a kid, and they were going to put tubes in my ears.

But my family doctor was like, take her to the chiropractor, get her neck cracked a few times, and see if that works first. You guys fell for that? Dude, I literally have never had an ear infection since that, my whole entire life. I don't even know what they feel like anymore. I can't believe you guys actually fell for them.

Whatever they did, whatever magic they did, it worked. So she said, do she say old she was? No. She didn't. And it's rude to ask. Yes, it is rude. Unless you say you look 25, unless they're 15. That almost got my nipple bit off years ago.

But whatever, you guys do whatever you want to do. So, yeah, head cold, obviously, you know, the nasal stuffiness. Fulness in both ears or maybe a decrease hearing in both ears would be less concerning. When people say that they have acutely lost hearing or are pretty sure they did in one ear, that can be concerning because a virus can attack your inner ear and cause hearing loss that can be permanent. So if it's truly very different, it's better to get in and be seen. because... So it's worse if it's one ear?

Yeah, really. Okay. Well, yes, I would say so, because it's... And if it's dramatic, then definitely. Because it could be a bacterial infection, although that's unusual in adults. The main reason that we grow out of ear infection issues from childhood to adulthood is just anatomy and basically the angle of the eustacean tubes that drain from the ear into the throat. They sort of lay at the wrong angle in kids, and so fluid tends to collect in there.

As we get older and our face and head elongates, they go down and the fluid drains out. Kids in their hearings. Acute hearing loss on one side associated with the virus, get in and be seen. So go in. Yeah, it always goes after my friggin ears when I get sick. Okay, here's a guy who was texted in. We're chatting with Dr. P. Jesus here on the half-fast morning show. if you have any questions. Go ahead.

651-551-93. Here's a guy who's looking for the proper symptoms of an ulcer. Okay. What should he be worried about? Is it because he wants to know what an ulcer sounds like so he can call into work and give the right description? It almost sounds like the proper... It's brilliant. I want to make it sound legit.

So lots of people get heartburn. which happens typically it's after you eat or drink something. It's usually predictable. That's where acid is coming back up into your esophagus, typically. You can treat it with various antacids. Ulcers are a little bit different. It tends to be more of a chronic discomfort. It's like a gnawing sensation, maybe as opposed to what people would describe as burning.

I felt like I was getting stabbed. Yeah, the thing that can be. different is that you because the ulcer is in your stomach and it's an erosion well it's usually in your stomach it's an erosion of the protective lining so when there's just acid sitting in there irritating that and your stomach is empty there's nothing protecting that so oftentimes it's relieved a little bit by eating or drinking something you know particularly milk is the classic thing right and so it just helps coat the stomach a little bit and then that's gone and then it hurts again Okay.

But yeah, so it's a little bit different in that it's often slightly relieved. And yeah, it's just, it's an ache or a gnawing kind of in the, you know, me. That would be. Yeah, and then you'll throw up some blood and then you'll go to the doctor. It'll be like, it's a bleeding ulcer. I just had a bleeding ulcer like six months ago. How does that happen? It's stress.

For me, it was stress. Oh, everything is stress related. So I guess that's maybe the best thing to look for. If it's something that's temporarily relieved by food or drink, And then the pain comes back. Yeah. Okay. That's definitely a sign of an ulcer.

Fair enough. Yeah. As to cause, there can be lots of causes. People who take lots of, you know, aspirin, Advil, a leave on a daily basis, especially as we get older. And if you're on a bunch of medications, I mean, tons of alcohol, tons of caffeine. Or, you know, people can't have an infection in their stomach called H. Pylori, which is a bacteria that is not uncommon, really.

And it kind of just hangs out in there and tends to predispiece. opposed to ulcers and other problems. There you go. Ashley, you're getting a lot of people who agree the chiropractor can take care of those urine infections. I'm telling you, I don't know what they had going on. But my kid has only had one so far. But if he gets a second one, which he probably will, because it's incredibly normal.

We're going straight to the chiropractor. I get them sometimes. Maybe I should go to the chiropractor. I don't know. Something about like your inner ear, some junk like that. I don't know. I got one a couple of years ago. I felt kind of embarrassed.

I thought only kids got ear infections. Right? That's what I was saying to my doctor a couple. Last time I went. Well, you get different one. You get the otitis externa, which is the ear canal. Oh, that's different. Oh, you fancy, Josh.

That is different. The ear infection I'm talking about is otitis media, so it's on the other side of the eardrum. That's worse? That's the one you don't want. It's just, no, I mean, it can, it's basically just there can be some fluid in there, and it can get a bacterial infection. It's not usually what causes hearing loss. That's more of a viral infection to the, so there's the outer ear, the middle ear, which is where kids get their infections.

The inner ear is deep past that even, and that's where viruses tend to attack. Oh, gosh, it gives me the chills. I had that deal in my ear a couple years ago where I thought I was dead, but we don't need to go back to that. What the hell was that? It was something about too much salt in my diet. Oh, like men ears. Yeah, something like that. Jesus, I woke up.

I thought I was on the tilt a whirl. Yeah, you can get hearing loss, dizziness. That was from too much salt? Yeah. Well, I could be in trouble. I salt, salt, man. I put salt on everything. Remember the one where I took the ambulance ride here recently?

Yeah. Not that one. The one before that. Hi, everybody. Hi. Dr. P. Jesus. Welcome to the half-assed morning show for 93X. Dr. P is here.

And folks have been asking them questions up and down about their health, about how they're feeling. 651-551-93-93. Maybe you can sneak your question in real quick before we've got to pull the plug on this operation. Here's a guy, Dr. Pete. He says, I want to be taller. What can I do? Here's some information on the guy. He says, I'm 32 years old, mildly sexually active.

I'm older and mildly sexually active. Light drinker, light drinker and heavy breather. He says, I'm fat. How can this man be taller? Is there anything that can be done for him? Lifts in your shoes? Yeah, unfortunately, at 32. Not that I know of.

Move to a planet with less gravity, maybe. Wasn't it a number of years ago, he heard about psychomaniacs having their legs broken and whatnot? Yeah, I think even this year, there's... Yeah, if you really do. I mean, if you really have a lot of money and you really, really want to be taller, yeah, maybe you might. I don't know that you could talk. I can't believe an orthopedist in this country would do it, but they might somewhere.

You hear about it at overseas. What a horror show. Definitely go to overseas. And that, yeah, they can basically break your legs and then put like some sort of either an internal fixator or sometimes external fixators. It just have to be, you just crank them a little bit every couple days. Move to a country with shorter people. True. That is so horrible.

Horrifying. Yeah. And I have seen those things done rarely for people that have, like, congenital conditions where their bones are very short or curved or something. Trying to straighten it and make it longer so that maybe one is the same length as the other one. Sure. But I actually, so like during high school and even some summers in college, I worked as a physical therapy aide. I had had so many knee injuries and been a patient so much. They're like, you know, maybe we should just pay you to hang out once I was 16. Sure.

So I did, but I remember a patient really well who had literally like this, an external like cage around his lower leg with pins going in and they would just, you know, probably like 10 or 15 pins and they would crank that thing every few days. Oh my goodness. To straighten the bone and don't get cute with that. Straighten and lengthen. Yeah. And it was.

It was horrifying to see. That sounds brutal. You know, he did it. And if I remember, Josh, when we talked about these some bitches, you'll have their legs broken in an attempt to make them taller. And they put this, or Dr. P. was saying, they put some kind of a thing in there and they twist the thing and you get tall. If I remember right, it's not like you can go in there at 5-9 and say, make me 6-3.

Yeah, it was only maybe 2 inches. No, well, because the other thing is you'd be, you know, if you're doing, I don't know what bone they would do, their femur maybe. I think that was what it was. So, you know, then you'd have a weird body. You would. Up to knees to be normal, then a really long femur. So then you'd really kind of want to do the other bones in your lower leg.

Josh, if you walked in after a week away from work and you were six three because you had your legs broke, I would run away from you like you were the undead. That is so horrifying and creepy to me. It is pretty creepy. Yeah, you really, I guess I just don't know what it would. It's hard to believe it would. improve your quality of life that much. Just get a sports car.

Yeah. That's what, that's what, or lift your truck, that's what I do. Lift your truck, get yourself a hot rod. Yeah, you'll be all right there. Yeah. Mildly sexually attractive, a 32-year-old, whatever he said about himself. Yes. Here's another listener who texted in to say to you, Dr. P.

My kid's football team has the mumps. We just had a story here recently about a college football team where it has swept through the locker room to the point where 32 players out of, you know, whatever, 65 guys on a football team, 32 players are out. They can't play because the mumps just swallowed the locker room. So this is cute what this guy says. My kids football team has the mumps.

Where can I put my son in the house to keep it from spreading to me? I do have a storage shed out back. Will that do? Is there any way that dad can avoid catching that? I mean, is it as crazy contagious as it seems? Because it seems like you hear about these sports teams where one guy gets in and all of a sudden the entire locker rooms down. All you have to do is hand the next dude a water bottle and it's over.

Yeah, I think it's pretty contagious. You know, it's interesting because in my career, mumps has not been much of a thing. I mean, it should. Yeah, isn't there a vaccine? There is. Measles Mumps for Bella is a combination vaccine that you're supposed to get. Post you get when you're a kid. Oh, dude texted again and said,

Dr. P, this is an emergency. I got a bachelor party in a week. You're going to have to just live in the garage. Can dude, can he avoid this? Without having to put his child or himself in the storage shed? No, not really. He really can't, Kenny? No.

I mean, hopefully he's immune. Oh, that's possible. You know, it's, well, it's one of the things that's happening more because people aren't getting vaccinated. I don't, you know, his kid, well, If his kid wasn't, then he was susceptible. If this guy was, then he shouldn't be. Yeah, it's a bummer.

And most people do do okay with it. It's just it can cause orchitis. So big spoted intestinesicles. Really? And it can cause infertility. I mean, that's one of the reasons it's not a good thing to get it when you're a kid. Okay. It doesn't usually, but.

All right, dude. So you might not be a grandpa. it causes swelling of the testicles. Yeah. I always thought that was elephantitis, but you're calling it. Orchitis? Yeah. Orchitis.

I hadn't heard of that one, Covey. Have you heard of that one? No, new to me as well. Dr. P, thanks for every damn thing. We sure appreciate it. You bet. We'll get you out of here. We'll see you in a couple of weeks.

I like it. And Cubby? Yes, sir. Before we go. A couple shoutouts. Sup to utility billing shezes from. volleyball she's, happy birthday to Wyatt. He's turning the big O-1 today

from mom and dad tool-slinging Jesus. Happy birthday to Freckles shouldn't smudge Jesus from Freckles shouldn't smudge Jesus. He said his wife forgot his birthday so he may as well try and hear his name on the radio to make himself feel better. Happy belated birthdays.

She texted me when I had my husband. She didn't miss it. Set some photos, I think I remember you saying. That's her. And happy belated birthdays to the best two kids of dad could ever ask for Rylund and Ravana, who turned seven and nine over the weekend from dad, lawn care, or lawn guy, Jesus. Oh, hey, you beautiful podcast, people.

Dana here, and I'll just cut right to the chase and tell you about standard heating and air conditioning because I know you're looking forward to the show. Winter is coming. The time to get your furnace wrenched on is now before the thing craps out and the boys below the belt shrivel up into pebbles because your house is so cold. Go to standardheating.com today and book that tune-up. Mention 93X and save a big double nickel. Yeah, 55 bucks off the price of those commenters would have to pay.

All right, enjoy the show, you beautiful people. I'm serious. You look great. Whatever you're doing, it's working. Keep it up.