93X Half-Assed Morning Show - The Finest Employee the Company’s Ever Seen

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

Originally Aired May 28, 2026: Diddling for Dollars. The truth is out there... and it's hovering Anoka. Everything you've ever wanted to know about your aunt’s porn career.  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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And hey, mention 93X. Standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. The 93X half-assed morning show. 90. 93. I'll be damned. It's Thursday already. And I'm pretty comfortable with that.

Welcome, folks. To the latest edition of the 93X Half Fast Morning Show. Looks like we're down one, smashily. Not going to make her into work today. She says she's been feeling a little iffy. So, you know, that's how it goes from time to time. She's an iffy person by nature. You think so?

Yeah. I think she's less iffy than she's ever. Ben. If you want to know the real inside story this morning, if you're a regular listener, you'll find this difficult to believe. Don't do it. But it's true. Don't you dare.

Josh over there, the most reliable employee in the history of this company. First one here, last one to leave type of guy. He is. That's how he's been, the majority of our 30-year run together. Josh, brace yourself now, was late to work today. Obviously, you're here now. You're not late for your on-air responsibilities, which of course is most important, but late as far as when you normally show up to the building.

Yeah, a lot later than when I like to get here. It was shocking, truly, for me, when I pulled in, it was a weird feeling. When I pulled up into the parking lot here, and I did not see, your midlife crisis mobile already in its spot. That's a good way to describe it, first and foremost. That's a perfect way to describe it. Because I hadn't received, you texted at one point of another to tell me that you were running late. But I didn't receive the text because I'm a safe driver cubby.

I didn't look at my phone until I got here this morning and pulled safely into my parking spot. And then I, when I pulled in and your pickup wasn't there, I thought, thought this hasn't happened in decades. Yeah, last time it happened was 1999. 99. It's actually the last, oh, yes, 1999. That's actually the last time I was pulled over was 1999. And I got pulled over on my way here because I was kind of racing in.

And this time, you know, at 99, I didn't care as much about driving as I do now. And so, meeting, I was a little more dangerous. A little more wild back then. It was stupid and I'm embarrassed by it. But yeah, I can't believe it. So what the hell happened? My alarm, so I wake up to a different sounding alarm. And thank God my wife gets up early.

Because I was so confused. And I looked at the clock and it's 4.30 and I couldn't believe it. I was like, wait a minute. You're usually already here for about an hour at 4.30. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was totally confused. And I looked at my phone and my alarm was going up, but it wasn't making any noise.

So I don't know what I reset my phone when I got here and I got to apologize to Nick because I was testing out my alarm and I was like, hey, set an alarm for 516 and Nick's like, well, why is it my responsibility to set your alarm? And then later on I cursed my phone and Nick thought I was cursing him. So my apologies for both those things. It's like those dorks that walk around the grocery or those dorks that walk around the airport or the mall and they've got the earpiece in and they're having a phone conversation. out loud. Josh, total silence here in the studio, and Josh says, out loud, set an alarm for me for

418. And I said, set your own alarm, dickhead. Why am I? And he says, no, I'm talking to my phone. So it was a really, it was a weird feeling to not see your motor vehicle. First one here, last one to leave. That's your thing. You haven't been late to work since you said 99. 99, yeah. If the bosses are listening, I'm not making this up. They're going to write me up for this. Give this kid a friggin'rays already. No, I'm in so much trouble. But I'll tell you what, it's kind of nice getting that extra hour and a half asleep.

Oh, yeah. But you feel, now you feel off, don't you? Oh, yeah. That's a weird feeling. I'm trying to race to get all your stuff done, and I wasn't able to do that. But also, it's a lot lighter on the way in. It kind of puts you on a little better mood. Yeah, the sun's starting to creep up a little bit.

stoned to the bone. Jesus has texted in. And she says 19 and 99, Josh was before she was even born. Yeah, I'm old. I get it. She hadn't come out the shoot yet. She hadn't blown the hatch yet in 99. I love the support that the brother and sisterhood, we all give each other. Box toss and Jesus said he's going to be late to work today out of solidarity.

That's how the brother and sisterhood started. Ooh, we, man. We are friends. We are a tight-knit group, all of us, and we support each other. You are correct that that was the original idea behind the brotherhood. We started calling our listening audience a brotherhood many, many years ago. And you're right, the original idea was strangers bonding over laziness. Yes.

where we thought if the bar is set low by everybody, that's just the new, what do they call it during the pandemic? New reality. New normal? Yeah, that's the new normal. Right. It's a long time ago, but that was the original groundwork of the brotherhood was folks bonding over laziness and a lack of interest in taking responsibility.

Now, it's morphed into many different things at this point, at that was the original idea. So, I mean, damn. I remember, I, so you say the last time you were late to work was 19 and 99. You must not have been terribly late because you said you were pulled over on the way to work. Yeah. I remember one that obviously must have been before 99. Okay.

I think I remember your, the second to last time you were late to work because it was a doozy. Do you remember this one? Oh, that one, I think this might be the same one, because I thought I was late like by, I got there at 7.30 or something like that. Yeah. Yes. We go on the air. Because it was sunny out on my way in.

I remember this so well because you were quite a, you were quite the prompt employee back then too. I was horrible. I should have been fired decades ago. There was a four or five year stretch where I was late pretty much every single day. And it's simply because I was really drunk. most days. I hated my job and I didn't care. That's the nice thing of being totally ignored in this building, right?

I don't think our bosses ever knew. They didn't listen to this station. They're listening to Tom, so nobody would even know back then. I was late every single day and I would usually come in half drunk. But I remember, must have been, like I said, the second to last time you were late to work. Because we thought you were dead. it was, you know, 4.30, you weren't here, 4.45, 5 a.m. We're calling your phone. 10 after 5, 20 after 5. You're not answering the phone. We'd go on the air at 5.30. Every time we had a chance, when we'd go to commercial or play a song, we'd call your phone.

You're not answering. And I thought, well, that's it. He died in a car wreck. The next thing you know, you walked in at like 7.30. Yeah, it was late. And, I mean, you looked so ashamed of yourself. Oh, I was panicking. I just couldn't believe it. By the way, thank you to folks again, texting in with solidarity, and plenty of people saying they're going to show up at work today late

just to support the brother and sisterhood. And then your boss can't get mad because you're just being a good friend. What kind of jerk boss would you have if they got mad at you for being a supportive friend? Now, there is one listener who's not buying your story that your alarm didn't wake you up. Is this Jacob? Jacob says, just due to the sheer size of your ears, how do you not hear your alarm go off with those frigging ears you got hanging off your skull? We established a couple of weeks ago that you have big fat ears that stick out and look stupid.

Jacob, just one word for you, if you don't mind. Blocked. Oh, no. I'm sorry, you're blocked. We're going to block the text from Jacob. Okay, I'm blocking him too. Boy, you know, he's got a stupid last name, too, just for the record. You don't like that?

Do you see that last name? Yeah, what's wrong with his last name? I'm just trying to continue to go after the kid. Oh, I got you. Yeah, we're blocking them. You have a stupid last name. He went after your ears. I'm trying to defend my friend over here.

All right, so there you go. What's wrong with Jacob Comes Fast? That's not how you pronounce it. It's not? It's Kumfasta. Oh, cum fast. Yes, yeah. It's an Irish name.

Gotcha. From back in the... Yeah, that was a weird feeling. Not seeing you already here, son, but I'm glad everything worked out. Oh, hey. Yes? This is great. Is something else from the Kumbasta family?

No, this is a, I don't even have a name on this one. Maybe they are and they don't want to associate. This person remembers that. What? When I showed up at 7.30. He's giving some info that I remember as well. So thank you very much. What's wrong with you?

Gosh, you should have figured something better in the morning by now. Man. Yeah, I remember that morning when you walked in with your backpack on your shoulder. You just look confused, ashamed. You had no idea. Oh, and also, thank you again. Sorry to be a broken record, but I really appreciate the support. Now people are texting in, and they are also going to block Jacob. Oh, my damn.

He's not going to be able to text anybody after that. You don't pop off like that. Not when a guy's so vulnerable. Yeah, Josh is very vulnerable this morning. All right, you bastards. What else is going on around here? Oh, I, uh, speaking of awkward and feeling off. boy, I don't even know if I should bring this up.

It sounds like you could use some help. There was a gentleman that I was out with Sunday night, little engagement, our boss, Derek. Okay. And he's cool. You like Derek. I think the rest of us are kind of on the fence about Derek. You've always had a big crush on Derek and another guy in the building called James.

Yep, love those guys. You think the world of these guys. I do. I got to see him twice over the weekend. It was awesome. I'm undecided on James at this point. So you went out to dinner with one or both of them? Well, I met them both on Friday and then just Derek on Sunday.

All right. I took him off for his birthday. Something awkward happened? Yeah. And you could probably guess. It's happened. Something awkward always happens when you're involved. And it's never as bad as he think it is.

No, this was pretty bad. Nine times out of ten, it isn't. It's never as bad. What now? He came in for a bro hug. You guys accidentally 69 or something? No, no, no. He came in for a bro hug, a one-armed hug.

It was supposed to be a one-armed hug. and I kissed him. And I wouldn't let him go. No, I did a two-armed hug. Oh, God. And then he commented on it. Like, oh, I was coming in for a one arm. But he kind of comes in at a weird angle.

So it's confusing to me. And I'm not a hugger, but I just thought, oh, I'm going to respond in kind. We had a wonderful date. As a matter of fact, I'd love to have a second date. I mean, it was that good. And then we could go on second date update, which is my daughter's favorite thing on the radio.

Second date. Update? It's a big, popular segment on K-102, and she listens to it, and she gives me all the heads up on what's going on, and I'll tell you what, there is some drama. It's your favorite segment on K-102? Well, it's hers. And I threw her, I'm sorry. You're done. Yeah, I'm here. I haven't heard it, so. But I hear about it. I'm more of a Bob FM guy, personally. Hey, there's nothing wrong with Bob FM. I met some of those guys at a promotion, and they were cool. I'm more of a Bob FM. I like the older stuff. So, come on.

Josh, you've known Derek for years now. So what if he went in for a one-arm hug and you gave him a two-arm hug? At this point, you're right. It didn't bother me as much. We kind of joked about it. I told him, I said, you know what? If there's a guy in my life, I'm going to hug with two arms, it's you. You know, he's two-arm-huggable.

Was it at the start of the date or the end of the date? The very end. Oh, okay. That's good for you then. There's that awkward moment where I'm like, do I reach in to kiss? or what do we do. But yeah, luckily, lucky it was not as big a deal.

The first time we met, though, do you remember the first time we went out with him? No. We went to a restaurant and then we basically walked across the street to the boo. Okay, now I remember. Yeah, that was the first time that happened where he kind of comes in at an angle.

I wasn't prepared for it. So you had an awkward hug with Derek the first time we went out with him? Correct. Oh, and now you've had a second awkward hug. That's right. years later. Yeah, I remember when we went to Deja View. That's when you know when you hit it off of the new boss when you end up at the strip club.

Oh, sorry, I'm struggling. What happened? What was your statement? I was going to say, that's when you know you hit it off of the new boss if you end up in the strip club. Yeah, I thought that was all right. I thought that was all right to look at topless women with the brand new boss. Oh, I got to give the correct radio. I thought it was K-102. People are saying it's 102.9. For people that work in radio, we know very little about it. I know nothing. And it's no offense to other radio people. No, not at all.

I don't even like this show. Why would I listen to somebody else's show? 102.9? What is that? What do they call themselves? Again, for somebody that works in radio. They're not 102.9X, are they? No, because that would be gimmick infringement.

I think they're the wolf. That's the wolf? That's who has that? Oh, yeah. We do somebody who used to work there. All right. Second date rebate? Update.

update. All right. Well, Josh, there's only one way you can squash this awkwardness between you and Derek. What's that? Get him fired. Get him out of here. He does show up kind of late every day, doesn't he? You are the most well-behaved employee in the history of the company. You don't think you could get him fired if he wanted to? He once said we probably could if we wanted to. No more awkwardness, right? That would squash the awkwardness if he was no longer working in the building. That's true. Can you imagine if I was that petty? I can't get past this moment. I'm sorry. You got to go. Oh, wow. Brewers in High Life Jesus says that you and Derek need to bang and get it over with. No, but a couple people did bring that up. Yeah. He said the reason I was late as jet lag. That's what I should use.

You know, I went on that San Diego vacation a few weeks back. I'm jet lagged. Shoot. You know, you're joking, Brewers and High Life Jesus, but we've had people use excuses like that or it'd be a month later and it'd be a time change of some sort or something that has them off for that long. Jet lag. It was a month ago. That's unbelievable. All right. What else is going on this morning? Randy Shaver will dive into the mix a little bit later.

Brad Ryder today, too. He made a switch. He'll be joining us today, but not to. tomorrow. All right. Yeah. Are you feeling okay? You know, because like we mentioned earlier, and I'm sure there's plenty of folks here who can relate.

When you break out of your regular routine, and by oversleeping a little bit this morning, you are not in your regular routine. You feel a little funny. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah, it's odd. Why is that?

I mean, why is it just linger so much? It's a scientific thing. It's a chemical thing. It's something about the way your brain and your body works. You're not going to feel normal again until tomorrow morning. Then there was a truck out front, and it was kind of blocking where I usually park. So now I'm even in a different space, and I thought, well, that means today's going to see. You might as well just cash this one in.

It ain't going to work for you. Oh, man. I don't know how the hell you guys put up with me back in the day showing up drunk every day, drunk in an hour and a half late. I knew you met no harm. But you know what kept me here? I'm just that damn good. Well, that's a reason where it's tolerable.

If I suck, they would have gassed me. They couldn't do it. If CapriSoft shows up late for practice, nobody's going to say a word. Nobody blinks, you know. Nobody says a word. Because they know when he gets out there, he's going to get it done. Gonna get it done.

Folks have been texting in here about, you know, other radio stations. We mentioned that as long as we've worked here, and it's no offense to other radio people, we just, we don't get to know them. I mean, I know there's an annual event, right, where radio dorks are all supposed to gather. Does that still happen? What's that called again? Conclave. Yeah.

I've only gone, well, I've gone. Didn't we go to one and Death Leopard was there for no good reason? Yeah, so that's the, I went to that concert. Jeff Leppard and Papa Roach, that's where I wasn't really a Papa Roach fan until I saw that show. And they were so good live. And now I enjoy those guys. Maybe I've never been to one of those things. You've been once.

We met Dave Ryan. Oh, that's the time we met Dave Ryan. He was very cool to us. That was Conclave? Yeah. There was only like 22 people there. I don't think it's what it used to be. So it's not a popular thing anymore.

You know how it is. There's only 22 people here where there used to be a couple of. 100. Right. But yeah, that was, we met Dave Ryan, and it was nice to meet him after all these years. I mean, shoot, he's been here forever, and we'd been here for a little while. It was nice to meet him. But our boss at the time was so embarrassing. We had to apologize. Yeah, he was. Our boss acted like a complete douchebag. Oh, it was bad. And we wanted to beat his ass right then and there. But people have been texting about other radio programs here in town that they like, other radio shows here in town that they don't like.

And yeah, I do get asked now and again. Do you know this guy? Do you know this gal? And sometimes I feel a little silly because usually the answer is no. There's only a couple of local radio people that I ever became familiar with. The one I really want to meet is Chris Hockey from the Power Trip Morning Show. I've met the other guys. And they were cool to us.

I can't remember the event we were at. It was some convention of some sort. It was like the women and radio and TV convention. And then we had no idea why we were invited. We met who now? The Power Trip guys, with the exception to Chris Hockey, he was doing something else. So I'd love to meet him. Oh.

But, you know, sometimes we'll love a... He's on your Chris list. I recognize the name. Yeah, he's one of the top on my Chris list. He's on your Chris list. These are men named Chris that you'd like to get to know better. Definitely. I want to be friends with everybody on my Chris list.

Speaking of a morning routine, mouse and cheese is Jesus. You lucky bad. He's regular. God, I've never been regular in my life. Here's what he says. Me neither. He takes a deuce every day at 4.55. Problem is, he doesn't wake up until 515.

But at least you're regular. Yeah. You know, life is all perspective. It's one of my favorite old jokes. Look at that. I'm trying to think, I think Joan Rivers, I think, was the first comic I heard tell that joke. God rest her soul, Joan Rivers. I love that one.

Mouse and cheeses, thanks for dragging that one back into the mix. Every morning he takes a deuce in 455. Problem is, doesn't wake up till 515. Who else have we met? What other big stars? Well, obviously. We went and saw a deaf leopard. KQ?

No, no, no. Big, big stuff. People, names that people recognize. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Yeah, see, now you're out. You got nothing. We met Chris Carr, I believe.

All right. Moss. Oh, I used to see him around town. Yeah, Moss and I, we went out a couple times. I used to see him around town now and again. So I used to see him at Wild Games for sure, and then we went to Joe Sensors when it used to be in Egan. Tony Fly.

Oh, yeah, Tony Fly worked out for a little while. Oh, you know, oh gosh. Tony Fly. I don't know if he ever went by a different name, but Zaney Kay. I remember that name. He worked here for maybe two weeks and then he got like kind of a high profile gig somewhere else. First name Zaney. Yeah, last name K.

Oh, yeah, way back in the day. All right. Well, there you go. We might as well get going again. I got a stupid news report ready to go. I was busting Josh's nuts real quick about his midlife crisis mobile that he drives around town. second. This is your second midlife crisis mobile? Yeah, this one, I don't

think it quite as midlife crisis as my first. Remember in 2015 I got that Challenger? Yes. Yeah, which is I kind of missed, to be honest, but I felt like I don't deserve a challenge. Typical, typical effin anxieties that torture you, your anxieties and your

low self-esteem and all these other things that have troubled you since birth. You bought that terrific Dodge Challenger hot rod. And you did not keep it for long. No, only like a year. After a while, I thought he was even shorter than that. After a while, you were sure that everyone in town considered you a douchebag.

Now, you're making it sound worse than it is. But you're 100% right. You know, it's like sometimes I'd pull it to a gas station. I'm like, well, I'll just kind of wait until everybody goes inside and then get out of this thing. Because I thought they're going to look at me and go, that guy, number one, tiny penis. Number two, he doesn't deserve that vehicle. Were you the only Dodge Challenger on the road? Absolutely not.

No, there's plenty of them. Your low self-esteem and your anxieties led you to believe that everyone in town no longer liked you because you drove a Dodge Challenger. Yeah, I missed that. Oh, so speaking of Midlife Crisis Mobiles, a little bit later on, we're going to get into, uh, I don't know. I wouldn't define these as midlife crisis type situations, but some different life changes that folks might get involved in once they hit their 40s and 50s. Not necessarily a midlife crisis, like growing a goatee and buying a Dodge Challenger, but these are just different things that folks might get involved in.

Life changes once they hit their 40s and 50s, and you fellas can tell me, you know, which of them sound ridiculous? and which of them don't? You and I started caring about her health. That's a life change. I mean, I wash my hands now. I just, I'm starting to, I'm turning into a hippie. I'm starting to take vitamins.

Oh, vitamins. I go on the treadmill, like I mentioned yesterday, just to go number two. So I'm trying, it's like the stupidest health reasons out there as far as why I'm doing them. It's just because I don't want to mess up my pants. You don't want to mess in your pants. I've been taking much, much better care of myself. I mean, you're not going to see me on the cover of fitness and health magazine anytime soon, but compared to where I was at 10 years ago and beyond,

I've paid more attention to... I think six years ago is the first time I ever saw you wash your hands. You know what? I've kind of fallen out of that habit. Even for number two's? Because you never washed your hands at all. I wash my hands for a juice. will. But anyway, with the drinking and the, so I have paid a little bit better attention to what's going on. But we'll get into that a little bit later. Some of these things that

folks get into in their 40s and 50s, some of it might be a little more ridiculous than others. For now, we'll take a little breaky break. And before you know it, we will return with the stupid news report. Thanks for hanging out with us. Air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh, that doesn't sound good. What's going on, Habs, podcasters? We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be holding on for dear life.

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Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-L-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. You guys know how much I really, really love golf. Fullsen Golf, 2V2.

Me and VOD versus Big John and Kyle. Oh, it feels good to be back. On the lengths with the boys. Join the party on the golf course. Back to golf in a big way. Now what? Practice. Let's go.

Let's hit the range. I was like, let's go to the range. We are headed to the golf. You want to golf with us? No. You don't play golf? No. Try.

We got to break par. I'm very, very excited. You excited? Yeah. Fullsen golf. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show. Dirty bastards.

If you're just tuning in, something remarkable happened already today. Something absolutely remarkable happened. Josh slept in this morning. He was late to work. It was shocking. He hasn't been late to work. This is a true story.

some bitch hasn't been late to work in 27 years oh by the way ashley isn't here today um she's not feeling well she's late almost every day well she definitely used to be that's why one of them gets their own state fair t-shirt and the other doesn't oh jeez my god but josh was late today here's a text question from a listener josh is it your weight gain that's causing you to sleep in it could be doesn't Can't that affect your sleep? Absolutely. Yeah, I'll have to drop a couple of LBs. And we also...

It's a weird feeling. Yeah. Well, it's a little more difficult to lift your frame out of bed than it was a few years ago. We also got to talking about other radio stations here in town and other radio personalities here in town that couldn't carry our jocks if they tried. That's not the conversation. How about this one? This was recommended by a listener. Another radio station you could try out, because I've mentioned many times.

I still listen to the radio quite often. 95.5 K-C-H-K, they play polka. Oh, really? Yeah. There's so many more radio stations than I ever realized. Me too. I'm keeping this one. I'm going to circle that and put it in my pocket because I do like Polka.

Have you ever, have you ever full-on, four-alarm polka danced, you know, at a show? I've gone to a show, but I haven't danced. At a live poker show. Nice? Is that where they had the polka? Yep. Yeah, I went there a couple times. I think what's the other joint there? They'll polka dance for you.

For Christ's sake. We had a company party once. We were down in the basement. What's that joint, Northeast Minneapolis? Oh, geez. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Gustavs? Oh, sure.

Gargoth. Was it the place that has like botchy ball or something in the basement? No, that's that joint. over in St. Paul. That's halftime wreck. Oh, okay. This was Northeast Minneapolis. Gastostovs. There it is. Thank you. 6510-715, Jesus. Gastoffs, we polka danced in the basement. But years ago, I went to a real deal October Fest type setup, and they had the polka band. And I'm telling you, Cubby, I couldn't help myself after a couple of big Steins of beer.

I went out on the dance floor, and I polka dance with some big-boned women, and I got it done. I've never I couldn't even tell you what a polka dance is I've seen them perform I guess I'm doing like that It's as easy as this right here That wouldn't call that easy And I like when I'm not dancing

And I watch the band I like that tuba player Oh yeah That's the guy I root for He's usually a heavy set peckerhead And he sits in the back And I just like his style Because just over and over again

This is what he does for six and a half hours and that's all I need. I played, there was a, what was it, like a little event in school where there was a whole bunch of music. It was like a demonstration of different genres, and I played bass, and that was pretty much my bass line. No, that'd be more like jazzy or something. It was exactly the way you described it.

Basically two notes back and forth. And then you'd move up a key. Two notes back and forth. You played the bass guitar? Yeah, whatever they needed. And you never went, hop-a-ba-d-d-d-dun-dun-d-dun. I was never good. And I used to pick, right?

Because I was a guitar player. Right. And so, like, real bass players would give me crap about that. Did you ever do the? I couldn't do the, just use my hand. Did you do the froom-frum? Probably. Did you do the Gene Simmons?

What's that? I'm surprised you don't know the Gene Simmons. Yeah, what's the Gene Simmons? Gene, as a bass player, by the way, was very talented and showed his talent. in early Kiss Records. And this is the part where people are going to start looking at their watch going, oh, for Christ's sake, we're going to do this again. But early Kiss Records, especially on Kiss Alive, you listen to Gene Simmons' basslines.

He was very skilled. It was all over the place and would mix up his baseline. A good example would be Cold Gin live from Kiss Alive. I love that song. The live version of Cold Gin from Kiss Alive, Gene, if you listen, he does some really cool stuff. But then he got lazy. He got rich and got lazy and didn't really try. too hard on the bass beyond that.

But Gene was also notorious for the big woo-o-hm. Oh, so we'd do like a slide. Yes. As a matter of fact, this is what I understand. 80s rock bands like Rat and Slaughter and Motley Crew and whatnot, when they would record their records, they would use that slang.

They would say to the bass player, like for instance Dana Strum from Slaughter, they'd say, hey, you know what would sound good right there is if he did the Gene Simmons. Well, I'd never heard that before. And then Dana Strum would add a big, woo-m into the deal. What a difference a good bass player makes, though. You don't really think about it, but like Billy Sheehan, can you imagine? Oh, Billy Sheen is off the charts.

Duff McCaghan's a good example of just a really skilled bass player who added to the band sound where a lot of bass players, they just don't. But Duff McCagan, Les Claypool, very unique. Flea, another great bass player. Yeah, never cared for that. You didn't like his stuff, really? I never cared for the Red Hot Chili Peppers at all. What about just Flea's performance?

in there. Jay Cutler. Really? I thought he was great. I still think he's great. Yeah, Gene would do the big. Boom-boom. Oh, gosh. It's killing me.

The bass player for Dream Theater. May Jung? I couldn't tell you. I never got into Dream. Also incredible. I can't tell you either, Josh. Have you heard of Dream Theater? Sure, probably.

I got, Josh, in high school, I got kicked out of pottery class before they taught me about Dream Theater. Oh, man. Images and words. favorite albums. But we got a polka station here in town. I didn't know that. K-C-H-K, 95 and a half. There's some good stuff in town for sure.

We both love 105, and that's not just because it's a sister station. Cool, 101, 8. Enjoy those guys. What's his name here? Smooth Vanilla, Jesus texted in to say, you know who else likes polka, Steve Erkel. He did. He played the, uh, this thing. Accordian. I just

watched Family Matters yesterday. You want to know? Yeah, I haven't seen that in so long. I've got the cheapest, you know, satellite package known demand right, on my television, and I get all kinds of dopey old programs, but that's what I'm into. So I watch Family Matters almost every day. Do you want to know what happened in the episode of Family Matters that I watched yesterday? Of course.

Steve, what's that old movie, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, right? Where the little kid finds the golden ticket, right? in this episode of Family Matters, Steve Urkel has a favorite candy bar, right? And he found the golden ticket in the candy bar. And what he won was a chance to go out onto the basketball court at a Los Angeles Clippers game and hoist a ball from midcourt to win $10,000. Right?

So Steve and his cool buddy Eddie, right, Eddie? Remember Eddie? He was cool. I'm sorry I don't. Anyway, Steve and Eddie go to the club. Clippers game. They're sitting court side. It comes time for Steve Urkel to take that half court shot for $10,000. He makes it. The crowd goes crazy. Steve is dancing around the court with the basketball. He throws it up into the air. It hits the scoreboard and destroys the scoreboard. Take a wild guess as to what he said in that situation. I bet it was something to the effect of,

Did I do that? That's exactly what he said. So yes, he was. won the $10,000, but that's what it's going to cost to fix the scoreboard. So in the end, he won nothing. That's good stuff. Thank you, Brotherhood. I hope I'm not mispronouncing the last name, John Mayung from Dream Theater. Yeah? Awesome.

Cool looking dude is what. All right. Let's get ahead. Go ahead is what I meant with today's stupid news report. I love talking about bass guitars and rock and roll. You know that. but we got to... Sorry, Getty Lee.

You're going to forget the obvious. Well, of course. That's what always happens. You're right. Getty Lee. It's a shame we didn't bring him up. There's plenty I know we're forgetting. If our goal was to name every bass player that we've ever had a respect or a love for,

if that was our goal, we'd sit here all day long. But sure, Getty Lee, a friggin' genius. Sexiest bass player of all time? Kip Winger. That's some hot stuff right there. Maybe, I don't know. I guess I've never really fully listed. Some of his baselines were kind of cool.

He looked cool doing it. A Kip Winger. I know this aggravates a lot of people, but the dude is a genius. He is. He absolutely is a musical genius. Is he the sexiest? He's up there. Probably.

I'll tell you this much. When I saw Winger in 1988, when the lights went down, I have never heard a high-pitched noise like what I heard that evening. The girls were ready to take it all. all off and give their lives to Kip Winger. When the lights went down, it was ungodly, the girls screaming. I'm kind of scared to mention this one, but another suggestion from the Brotherhood, the bass player for King Crimson.

Unbelievable, Nick. Well, now I'm familiar with the band, King Crimson. There's a joke here somewhere? I think I'm getting him confused with somebody you're afraid of, and now I can't come up with the name. Oh, you're thinking of King Diamond. Yeah, King Diamond. talk about King Diamond. I'm going to have nightmares now. Oh yeah, Cliff Burton.

Sure. Yeah, no offense to any that we're missing. Keep texting him in, though, because we can, you know, we can still, we can pepper in a little bit of this conversation. I dig it. Jason Neustadt on the Masters of Puppets album? Sure. Oh, God, the Master of Puppets, yeah. Look that one up. You can't even notice that he's there. That was so offensive. All right. Cobby over there.

I'm afraid you're going to have to tuck your boner in. to the elastic of your giant oversized boxer shorts here due to the subject matter in our first stupid news conversation. I think you're going to have to tuck that pig. And I'm going to issue a pun-nato warning. This is why you're going to be so excited about this story, because it's a pun-n-nato. As a lot of folks know, Josh is a pun-lord. He loves puns. If you could F a pun-a-pun. If you could F a pun, you would. If there was a way to do it, yeah. If you could turn a pun into a person.

So hang on to some. I might even try some stuff I'm not willing to do with my wife. I believe it. Take your shirt off? I take my shirt off. I can believe it. Oh, by the way, yeah, we misspoke. It's not the Master of Puppets record where you can't hear Jason Neustadt.

It's Justice Farrow. Ah, son of a bitch. I woke up. He knew what he was talking about. Thank you for understanding. Les Claypool, yes, another one. Rex Brown, good one. Pun-Nado warning.

hang on to something, Josh. It says here there's a chiropractic clinic down in the awful southern United States. They got a sign out front of the joint. And they rotate cute-sounding puns up there on the sign now and again to try and drum up business. Here are some of the frustrating, in my opinion, puns that have already been featured over the years at this year, chiropractor's office. We never crack under pressure. It's easier to throw out your back

than your mother-in-law. We won't stop until everyone is cracked up. One time, around Easter, they posted this here. Our Easter adjustments are excellent. Yeah, I wouldn't F any of those.

The one you're about to say, I definitely would. Okay. But yeah, those ones, I was unimpressed. Not like I'm some sort of good judge of this type of thing. But yeah, I thought they did not that. Well, I think you're probably the best judge in the county. I like the real clever ones.

You are a pun lord. Pun slut. Yeah. I'll give it up for pun. Yeah, you will. Recently, they came up with a fresh punkey. And this is the one you like. The sign says, licensed crack dealer.

Yeah, I love that one. Cute, right? Unfortunately, for the clinic. The crush. My old man always referred to the chiropractor as the crush. He had back surgery a couple of times and he still had to go in there. I don't know. I don't know if it was once a month and they'd stand on his back and it...

I had a, you know, I think it's been proved that this is not the case. But I had a college professor. He hated the idea of chiropractors. Thought it was a scam. Yeah, he called it voodoo medicine. And at the time, I didn't really know much about it. But it seems like you read stuff all the time saying it can cure everything, it seems like. It's kind of weird.

I have no idea if it works or not. I went a couple times. They said it was too muscular that I wasn't a good candidate. I never went to see a chiropractor. But there was a stretch of time I was dating a, how do you call it, a trainer, personal trainer. And she was all into that type of stuff. exercise and massage and stretching and all that stuff, right? So I was having some trouble with my neck and my shoulders at the time from not stretching

before beer league hockey and beer league softball. I had torn up my shoulders and my neck pretty good. So she recommended I, it wasn't a chiropractor, it was like a massage house, not the hand job type. I wish it would have been the hand job type. This was a deal where you lay on your face. on a padded couch and they they basically dive on top of you to crack everything loose. Can I say legitimately that it helped?

No, but the gal who treated me every time I went in there who would dive her body on top of me to make my neck crack and my back crack was so absolutely stunning that I don't get cute with this. I came whenever they called. Hey, it might be time for you to come back in and absolutely what time do you want me to be there? Because this gal was a missile and I could not wait just to feel her body on top of mine. It feels good. I didn't mean to, but I offended a chiropractor once when I just said, yeah, I was hoping to get my neck cracked and he corrected me saying adjusted. No. I didn't know that would be offensive to somebody. but you know the only problem is like it feels so good and then but for me at least an hour and a half later

I need to do that again they cracked my sternum once and now my sternum cracks I didn't even know you could crack a kid I had my sternum cracked when I was a kid in your high schools and middle schools did you guys crack each other's backs no nope it's like you come up behind something in our family though yeah like a big old bear hug I always thought that kind of seemed ill advised oh I had it done to me no I wasn't in school. I was 19, 20 years old. And some dude I worked with cracked my back for me. And I swear to God, it took a year off my effing life. I don't know why I allowed that some bitch to do that. We had a boss here who was so against that kind of stuff. Like he would tell me horror stories about that. I have no idea if any of them were true. But he was a nutcase. Arteries fall out of your neck.

Yeah, like he strokes and getting paralyzed. I don't do anything like that. that anymore, you know. I miss that gorgeous woman who would dive on top of my body. But now, because of those same horror stories, I don't twist my, you know, when I was a kid, I would always go crack crack with my neck, right? I've seen you do it, Josh. Oh, I still do. I don't do it. I go through phases. I have to lately. I heard terrible stories about that neck crack things. I get scared every time. I never do it. So here's this chiropractor's office. again, they put the funny puns on the sign out front the shop to try to drum up business. The latest cute punny sign is simply this, licensed crack dealer.

It's cute. I like that one. Unfortunately, for this clinic, a 23-year-old peckerhead in town by the name of Fragel, he upped and smashed the... licensed crack dealer sign into effing dust the other night. He did. Fraggle. He took a damn landscaping brick and bashed into the sign until there was nothing left.

And the sad, simple truth is that fraggle is so unbelievably dumb that he took the sign literally. He really thought that he was destroying. an advertisement for a crack rock dealer. Can you imagine he probably thought he was a local hero? He did. The cops caught Fraggle in the act of destroying this sign. And when the police asked him, what the hell are you doing? He said, well, that's illegal selling crack.

I'm not going to allow that kind of thing in my neighborhood. Can you even imagine being that oblivious? No, I would have assumed he just, you guys. know me, I'm always looking for pun tang. And I'd imagine he was probably somebody who hates puns because a lot of people do. And he thought, I'm tired of these jokes up here. These are stupid. Do you get a lot of

pun tang? I'd go for it if I can. I'm a pun hound. I thought you were going to say Fraggle tried to break into the place because he thought they actually had crack inside. Fraggle. You know what? That's actually probably more likely in a normal situation. He was cracked out needing a fix. He saw the sign

and said, well, hey, they got crack in there. I'm going in. That is truly incredible. The dude thought clueless, beyond repair, fragile, he thought it was a legit ad for crack rocks. And he was doing that, like Josh said, doing the neighborhood of favor. The police say that he was not under the

influence of drugs or alcohol. They say he also doesn't have any mental health issues. He's just pure 100% dumb as a set of balls. Yeah, a couple of people I know I love them, but it's incredible they're able to get along in the world, that they're able to feed themselves, have a job, stuff like that. You kind of wonder about that. Do you know anybody who is this dumb?

Yeah. You do. I think I do. Yeah, I think I do as well. Now, Fragel ended up being placed under arrest. He's headed off the court soon. I'll tell you right now, Fragel's case is going to get some last. in the courthouse, don't you think?

There's no way, no way the judge, lawyer, there's no way they're going to be able to keep a straight face when it's explained that Fragel thought he was making a stand against drugs over a pun-joke, a punny joke at a chiropractor's office about crack. Boy, yeah, I wonder how the judge is going to react. Like, all right, pay it back, but, dude, ask questions before you do something extreme. Nice work, Fragel. Yeah.

Fireplace Jesus says he wonders that about himself every single day. You're not that dumb. You text in. We can tell you're a smart, handsome guy. Fraggle's career stats are kind of fun. You want to hear one of his other career highlights? Once he went into the county jail for getting drunk and punching his dad square in the yap. I punched my dad too if he named me, Fraggle.

That's what you're upset about. And during the same incident, he also slug the old man in the ribs with a bell. baseball bat. Ouch. I can understand straightening the old man out with one right hook, but then you're beating them with a baseball. What are you, uh, what are you,

one of the good fellas or something? Who were you, Tommy DeVito? My dad could take me. There's no way. No way I'd try something like that. Who were you? Henry Hill? What the hell was De Niro's character in that movie? Remember when they beat up Billy Bats?

Billy Bats. What a guy. We're hugging and kissing over here now, son. Go get your effin' shine box. What the hell was? was De Niro's character in that movie. God dang it. Someone will text it to me. 651, 989, 93. Robert De Niro's character

and Goodfellas. I got Tommy DeVito. That was friggin, the little guy, Joe Pesci. James Conway. Jimmy Conway. All right. Thank you for that. Don't crack your neck, by the way. People texting in with some horror stories. Yeah, I never do it.

Yeah, I'm done. As of today, I'm stopping. Just like two, three more, and I'm done. And maybe one tomorrow, and that's it. Over the weekend, I might get to it, but as far as next week goes... Sounds like you're leveling off a little bit. Yeah, just Monday through Friday. Twice a day. All right, now we got problems over at the pickleball courts in Pennsylvania.

We do. And this effing clown... I mean, he's right up there with fraggle, I think. This clown comes off like a world-class bitch. You're going to hate this effing guy once he opens up his mouth. total bitch dick this guy 31 years old you wouldn't know it by his behavior

but he is an adult 31 years old and he goes by the name of Saif he's another one here who either forgets or just doesn't care about the wall-the-wall corner-to-corner

security camera thing that's currently underway everywhere's you turn indoors or outdoors cameras are watching you stupid ass I think it's people that don't care anymore. I mean, so many people have doorbell cameras and you see porch thieves that maybe they'll put a hood up, but they just don't seem to really care. So, yeah, must be. Saif, there's surveillance footage that shows Saif, cutting up the nets at a pickleball court in his neighborhood.

Just shreds them up with a knife. And then a couple days later, he went on over to some other pickleball courts in a different part of town. he cut those nets into garbage. Okay? Once the cops came to get Saif at his crib, he admitted to cutting up all the pickleball nets. Okay, are you ready? You're going to want to choke this guy out.

He told the cops that he went ahead with all that nonsense because he recently hurt himself playing pickleball and his whole summer is ruined. What a baby. Are you an effort? four-year-old or what? Come on, man. Whatever happened to adults. If I can't play, nobody can play.

Right. I'm taking my ball and going home. He said that out loud as a 31-year-old man. That's the most bitch-ass four-year-old level answer I've heard all day. Yeah. I got mad. Pickleball ruined my summer. It does sound something like a little kid would do. Uneffin-in-believable. Thanks a lot.

You prick. It reminds me of that old episode. of Cheers where Woody and Sam sneak into Woody's girlfriend Kelly and let me add Wawa Wewa. Boy, no kidding. She was so gorgeous. Oh my damn, Kelly from Cheers. Sam and Woody sneak into Kelly's bedroom and Kelly shows up eventually.

I think because Woody was planning on eloping with Kelly. That's why they snuck up into her bedroom. Woody wanted to take her away and marry her, but he didn't have the confidence to do it himself. he asked Sam to come with. So all three of them are in Kelly's bedroom, Woody and Sam and Kelly. And Woody's going through Kelly's cabinets, and he finds all of her Barbie dolls. And he says, wow, I've never seen so many Barbie dolls. And I think Sam made a funny joke.

He says, G.I. Joe should go on leave here. The G.I. Joe doll should go on leave. But anyway, at one point, Woody says, how come some of these Barbie dolls don't have heads on them? And Kelly says, sometimes I get mad. Sing a little song I wrote for you. Now, I should tell you right up front that I'm not really a professional singer. I'm more of a vocal stylist. Kelly, my darling, you owe my sunshine.

Kelly Kelly Kelly, K-E-L-L-R-W. Why? Because you're Kelly Kelly. Oh, that's so good. Bye. All right. This is just silly. People getting paid to jack it.

Josh, are you interested in getting paid to jack it? I mean, I wouldn't turn down that job offer. I also wouldn't shake the hand of any employee there. But yeah, I guess why not? People getting paid to jack it loose or jillet. Gals can get paid to jillet. Text us at 651-9-9-933 if you're looking to get paid. $2,000 a month to molest yourself because apparently this is a thing.

Text us if you're interested. I mean, we can't help you direct. I just want to know if you're interested. I mean, $2,000 a month to do something that takes 30-some seconds at time, no matter what the job is, I think I'd probably agree to that. Oh, you're not one of these characters that likes to make it last. Oh, why? What's the point? $2,000.

Let's get it over with. Yuck. It is gross. You can jack it or jill it for $2,000 a month. Someone or something called Joy AI, J-O-I, and then the something. Second word is AI. Joy, artificial intelligence. Oh, am I tired of hearing about artificial intelligence just for the record? It's right up there with marijuana and Victor Wemba Yamba and Shea Gilgis Alexander. As far as topics, I'm far beyond tired of hearing about. But that's not the point. Something

called Joy AI is looking to hire what they call here 10 masturbation consultants. These folks will get to test AI guided masturbation gimmicks, which I think. I think, sorry, I'm so friggin' foreign. This is also foreign to me. I just don't know what I'm talking about. But what I think it is is some type of dirty talk. Yeah, jerk off instruction is what J.O.I. stands for. Oh, oh, I knew that.

I thought J.O.I. was the name of a company, but I know that gimmick. Crocs with Sox cheese. It brings up a good point. You know what? If you're doing something you love, it's not a job. True. Never work a day in your life. What do they call that, Josh, when you have a letter and then a period,

and then a period, and then a period, and a period, and a period, and it stands for something? Not an acronym, or maybe that's what it is. I can't remember. Why didn't they, see, that's where I got lost. It's spelled J-O-I. There's no periods in between there, so I think if I would have known, that means jerk off, Instra. Okay.

So at some type of AI dirty talk, you sit there in your chair and you make a mess all over yourself, and then once you've toweled yourself off, the Jackers and Jillers will need to report back on how good or bad it feels on your unit and how it affects your stress levels, your sleep, your mood, your confidence. They're looking to get some product feedback. It's a four-week-long gig.

You've got to be 18 to sign up. Sorry, Jack, happy, ninth graders. You've got to be 18 to sign up for this. I wonder what they say. I mean, hey, first and foremost, be prepared for shame immediately afterwards. Right afterwards, you're going to hate yourself. Some will. I told you I have a buddy who.

I often feel quite accomplished. One less thing to do today. Oh, man, it's terrible. It's a horrible feeling. I got that done. Now, everyone else on the bus isn't all that excited about it, but I got it out off of my. Well, you should wait until you pull over. I mean, you're driving that thing.

You're distracted. I understand. You have a buddy who loves porn. but he also grew up very Catholic, so right before the goal is achieved, he has to close the browser windows. Otherwise, if he catches a glimpse afterwards, he feels great shame.

He's disgusted with himself. Frigant Catholics. Okay. J-O-I, meaning jerk-off instructions, AI. That's the name. That's what you're looking for, if you want this gig.

I'm just going to read this as is. I don't have the skill set to improvise. J-O-I-I-I is an online platform that includes AI-generated avatars, voice interactions, and personalized chat experiences built around companionship and intimacy. I can't imagine how many people are going to apply for this. I bet it'll be overwhelming. Don't you think? Oh, yeah, I imagine so.

$2,000 a month just to play with yourself and then write a report on how everything came out. It says here, okay, we got that out of the way. Now you know it's out there. Again, text us if you're looking to get paid to molest yourself. There's a lot of applicants that are coming in. Okay. Or that are texting it. Now, how about this little side statistic, Josh? It says here now, one in seven young adults, we're not involved in this,

one in seven young adults in a committed relationship, regularly wax off, regularly uses AI whack-off voices to splooge. One in seven young adults uses AI whack-off voices to masturbate. I didn't know AI could be dirty. I thought maybe they'd have some restrictions on there. But then again, you know, I just saw an article this morning about young people falling in love with chatbots. Falling in love with chatbots. All right.

One in seven young people are jacking it or jill in it to an AI voice. And many of them, oh no, they're keeping it a secret from their partner. Secrets are no good. They create arguments. They can. If you guys ever been with someone who would be offended if you ever did something like that? Absolutely not. I wouldn't be with them if they were offended by such a thing.

I told you the other girlfriend that started crying once when she found out to watch porn, which is funny because, That's the only sin she did not partake in in life. There's not a single drug, booze, cheating, anything. She would take part in all that, but somehow porn was a bridge too far for her. What about just the act of taking care of yourself? Did that bother her or was it the porn? It was the porn.

Oh. Maybe she had a family member who was a well-known star. You had Josh Eulite. Yes, that's what I like to call it. Did you know we have a listener who he had James Eulates? Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, maybe for one day. Only his name is Dan. I'm kidding. It's James. One of our listeners named James. He adjames you late. Well, let's swap it out one day. You would Josh Ulate and all the James U.

And then we can compare notes. I got to try something new. This is funny. Brotato Chip Jesus says, wait a minute. I'm jacking off to a dirty Alan Iverson voice. There's some confusion. I know Alan Iverson was AI before AI and now artificial intelligence is AI. I went through an Alan Iverson phase anytime I heard AI. Well, first I read it as Al and it took me forever to realize, stop being stupid. It's AI. But then, yeah, but you're right. Anytime you hear AI, if you're a certain age, you think Alan Iverson.

Yeah, and I like Alan Iverson. I do. I don't know if I'd masturbate to his voice, but I do like Alan. Yeah, I wouldn't. Sports. on the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. Montreal moves back in. And now who's pumpkin? Here's another chance of, you're not going to miss this. Stretch the cop with an empty netter.

And it's 4-0-0 Hurricanes. Yeah, the canes are getting closer with that empty net goal. It moves them even closer to possible appearance in the Stanley Cup final final. North Carolina hurricanes shut out the Montreal Canadians. Three-nothing or four-nothing if you count. empty net goals. That's how it turned out. Three-one hurricanes. They might just get there, Covey. Yeah, kind of looks like it. Of course, yesterday I went on and on about how impressed I am by the Minnesota Twins so far this baseball season, and then last night they go out and get tuned up

by friggin' 13 runs. Chicago White Sox beat them 15 to friggin 2. That's not that bad. 15 to 2, but they're going to wrap it up today with a day game. If they can win today, they can square up the series. We'll forget all about that 13, 15. 15. whatever the hell was. The businessman special, Randy Shaver always calls it. Yeah. The early afternoon game. Yeah, the business and special. Say it one more time.

The businessman special. Yeah, I got a friend who always a Oklahoma City and San Antonio play again tonight. These frigging idiots need to let it go. Wimba yami. Ah, crap. And a couple of text messages here before we move on because Josh has a news report prepared for you. Won't be as prepared as he normally is because he was late to work this morning, but I think you'll do all right. So we were talking about a new gimmick online where you can sign up to be a, what did they call it, a professional masturbator, a masturbation consultant?

You can sign up to be a, thank you, a masturbation consultant. There's a company out there that will hire you to whack off to their, or rub one out, however you like to say it. you masturbate to their artificial intelligence voices. Okay. Jerk off instructions is what Josh calls it. And then you give them a review of how it went. It's a real thing. You can get paid.

Worked again. Pardon me? My review would be worked again. Yeah. It felt just as good. Felt pretty good like it always does. So a couple of text messages came in when we were discussing that subject. One would be, well, one text message came in that I thought was useful.

This is fascinating to me. A dude texted in and said the very first time, I whacked it. I was in my late 20s and I was in county jail. I never did it when I was young. No joke. Really? The first time he decided to do it, he's in a jail cell. This is going to sound ridiculous, but was it on purpose?

My first time was an accident. My first and only time was an accident. This was, this sounds like it was on purpose. Yeah, it does sound intentional. Yeah, I think we're going to go along with it. It was intentional. If it's on accident, does that count as your first time? I don't really know if we're going to count that one or not, Josh.

There's an asterisk next to it. But this is, he was in his late 20s, and he chose county jail for the first, a setting for, Wacking it? I'd be scared for my safety. That's truly... Hopefully he was in solitary. And why did it never... Why did you never do it before that?

Were you from a religious background or something crazy like that? You can get back to us. I'm not going to say your name because you probably don't want me to say it, but I recognize your number here on the text machine. There's got to be something more to this. You waited that long and you didn't find any better setting than your neighborhood jailhouse. Now, I know people are probably going to say this person was lying, but there was a woman we used to work with,

and I'm going to say she was probably in her early 30s, and she said she never had, never had the desire, never. She never had up to that point in her life? Just never had it. So, yeah, when she mentioned, she still had it. Maybe she's gone on and became very good at it, but. See, I've met a couple of women who said they never really even thought about it or tried it until they were well into their 20s.

And I remember asking them, well, why? And they really didn't have an answer. Like, I don't know. Yeah, she didn't really have, just something she never thought about. Rotato chip Jesus said his first time was an accident as well. An accident. And then finally, real quick, I just wanted to relive this fun moment from my lifetime. Dana was saying he had a girlfriend that hated the fact that he watched porn.

Josh made a joke and said, well, maybe she had a family member who was involved in porn and just didn't want you to, you should have seen me the day a gal I was seeing at the time years ago. she we were on the topic of porno movies she and I and she says you know I've got an aunt who does porn you should have seen my reaction I was literally cartwheeling around my house learning that this girl that I was seeing her aunt was involved in porn and this gal was furious that I was so excited about it I'm like you got to give me the web address you got to show me these because she knew where they were she was disgusted by it her mother was disgusted by it this aunt was the black sheep of the family for being involved in.

It wasn't professional. It was amateur stuff. But I was relentless. And she hated me for it. I'm like, come on, you got to let me watch. I ended up seeing some of it. But this gal, it probably was what ended our relationship because I'm like, you can't tell me that and then not give me the frigging web address.

I agree with you. Because that is awesome. Sagim Nuts McGeeches said he was 32. His first time. My goodness. Does he want to tell us more? Like I'm asking more of that jailhouse whack-off guy. There's got to be more information that helps us understand.

Maybe this 32-year-old guy could also. We need to know more, I think. Yeah, I'd like to know more. All those years when you were a kid, you never looked down and said, let me tear this thing to pieces real quick and see what happens. You never had that thought? If it means anything to you, I did Google it to find out if it was a sin, and it says it's not.

You Googled masturbation. I asked if it was a sin. See, you've been lied to. Lied. Well, according to Google, it's not a sin. According to Google. We got to take a break. This is all very interesting, but we got to take a break,

and maybe Josh will have some more information when we fire up his news report here in a couple of minutes. Ah, air conditioning, the love of my life. Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good. What's going on here? Habs podcasters. We're getting into that soupy part of the summer when your air conditioning is going to be

holding on for dear life. That's where our friends at Standard Heating and Air Conditioning come into play. If your AC is out, you shouldn't have to wait. Standard prioritizes homes without cooling, so they got your back. With over 70 trucks on the road, they're ready to make you comfortable fast. Ah, that's better. Schedule now at standardheating.com, providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help.

Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-E-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-E. And it spells relief for you. Square up.

What's going on, man? It's Andre Dirkton, two-time world champion. Today's guest, NFL legend, media mogul. What's your? Ocho Sanko. What's the good, baby? We call them gym fighters. These guys are being in the gym, they can probably beat the hell out of any world champion they can think of.

Yeah. When that bell ring? Yeah. And them lights on, you got 10,000, 15,000 watching. When I stepped in that ring, I think boxing is becoming great again. Square up. Follow and listen on your favorite platform. Let's go.

There's a dushiness to them. The 93X half-assed morning show. My name is Fox Mulder. Since my childhood, I've been obsessed by a controversial global phenomenon. Since my sister disappeared when I was 12 years old, and what I believe was an alien abduction. The truth is out there. And in newly FBI files, if they're to be believed,

it may be hovering over Anoka, buried inside the National Archives' new Unidentified and a... I'm not even going to try, phenomena records collection. are reports that read less like routine police paperwork and more like something straight from the X-Files. Just after 1 a.m. February 19th last year, at least three employees from the Anoka Police Department reportedly spotted something strange hanging over the horizon.

Here we go. What began as a curious light in the night sky began a 90-minute encounter complete with eyewitness statements, blurry video footage, and descriptions that investigators preserved in official FBI records. Witnesses said the object shimmered with multiple colors and appeared unlike any aircraft they'd ever seen. And what they've seen sounds almost otherworldly. According to the reports, the object resembled six glowing hula hoops linked together.

Something like an atom's orbital diagram floating in the night sky. One witness estimated the object looked as large as an SUV or even a school bus. Witnesses claimed the object suddenly accelerated in three violent bursts, at one point seeming to travel 30 to 40 miles in just. just a few seconds. Moving like a stone skipping across a pond, one witness said. Investigators also noted the object may have passed near the Monticello nuclear generating plant, adding another eerie detail to the case. The Anoka Police Chief later confirmed at least one of the witnesses was a sworn officer. No additional sightings was reported, but the FBI files

suggest whatever was in the sky may have already been watching Anoka for days because the records revealed this may not have been an isolated event. The truth is out there, but so are lies. Two days earlier, February 17th last year, another officer on Routine Patrol reported seeing a remarkably similar object about 11.30 p.m. And the files hint that Anoka skies may have been drawing attention for years, referencing another unexplained sighting near the Anoka Ice Arena back in 2022. No conclusions have been concluded, no mysteries unmysteried, no determination if it's real

or fake. But thanks to the release of these federal records, one thing is certain for a few cold February nights, something had Anoka police employees staring skyward. Whether it was a UFO in the sky or maybe just too much sky vodka remains for the time, at least,

unexplained. Yeah. Order another drink, Anoka. I'm not buying it, Cubby. Unfortunately, Ashley isn't here today, but there is a video. Normally we would put it on 93X.com, but you can find it on Fox 9's website. What'd you make of the video? I mean, it's a blurry flashing light. Yeah.

I wasn't there. I can't necessarily comment, but it's definitely a blurry flashing light. Police of Massachusetts are trying to track down the owner of some lost property, some deeply unsettling lost property, the kind of thing that appears at the foot of your bed during a thunderstorm. It began innocently enough at the Stoneham Police Department where officers shared a photo online of an enormous marionette turned into the station. But this was no charming puppet from children's theater. It stood towering and lifeless with tangled red hair, a faded clown costume,

and two empty eye sockets staring into nothing at all. We're attempting to locate the owner of this puppet that was turned into the station, the post said. If this belongs to you, or if you recognize it from your nightmares, please contact us to arrange pickup, police said. Is that really a puppet? It's something. It's something.

It ain't great. No, it's not. I don't think a kid's looking for that. It could be. It could be. I guess. It's possible. Are you afraid of the doll?

Oh, it's spooky. Will you show us on the doll where he touched you? I will be. You're not going to like it. It is a scary doll. It's spooky. It was found somewhere's on the street. It was turned into the cops.

Oh. Commenters on the post said the puppet appears to be a 7-foot, 7-inch animatronic called Bion. But the most terrifying thing of all might be the price tag. If you have the nerve and roughly 300 bucks, you too can bring home the towering red-haired nightmare known as Bobby Strings from Spirit Halloween. Well, damn. Yeah, I don't like the looks of this guy. Yeah, mission accomplished to make a freaky giant marionette. I want one.

A Florida senior was arrested last week after police say he just wouldn't stop. startling neighbors with full frontal. According to police, 79-year-old Tyrone Kossi regularly wandered through the common areas of his apartment complex, making lewd gestures, including thrusting his penis directly at neighbor's doorbell cameras. Officer Savannah Hutchinson went to Kossi's apartment

to question him, and he answered the door wearing nothing but a G-string. She wrote that the bethonged senior insisted he had every right to walk around naked under Florida statute. No, you don't. Well, you don't understand. And Florida statute 800.00.01, which he claimed only makes in decent exposure illegal in parks, not in public. Uh-huh.

The officer informed him that, no, it's absolutely illegal to wander around an apartment complex exposing yourself. And there was another issue with his legal defense. Florida statute 800.00.001 does not exist. Oh. Chapter 800. All those numbers confuse me. I would have believed him. Yeah, well, he sounds so specific, right?

Chapter 800 of the Florida law covers lewdness and indecent exposure, but the statutes actually begin at 800.002, meaning that he was confidently citing imaginary law while airing out his very real genitals. Some of these old folks, you know, they lose their grip. Yeah, it's the couple of nude places we've been to. It was mostly older people. Yeah, you know, they... I remember thinking we're going to be like walking into a Playboy Grotto, and that was not the case.

No, there wasn't a lot of hot young action at the nude beaches. A lot of British folks with pierced genitals as well. They've done it all, right? Yeah, why not? They've banged up and down, and they've done it all. They've played by society's rules, and they're going to end their lives, you know, with a cheap thrill. or two. Yeah, go out banging. I get it. I get it. But don't be doing that in my effing neighborhood. There's plenty of places. Plenty of places. Where it's acceptable, encouraged, open-minded folks who

are totally cool with that. That's where you've got to find. Crooked old, 80-year-old set of nuts swinging around in my doorbell cam. I think I would vomit. And this guy kind of looks like a vampire. He's got a look. Oh, he's got a vampire look. Kind of. Even after being corrected, he reportedly doubled down and insisted he was allowed to walk around naked. The cop insisted. No, you're not. In the moments that followed, their relationship changed. Police say he put on lipstick in front of the officer, began touching himself, and then this is where things get weird. Really?

Said, quote, jump rope for me, baby doll. I don't even know what that means. I don't either. He said that to the cop? Yeah, they don't carry jump ropes. They've gotten mace and guns and stuff like. Police spoke to several neighbors who had the unfortunate displeasure to see his gear, which led to his arrest on indecent exposure charges.

Jump rope. Jump rope for me, baby. What the hell happened to you, sir? I don't understand what's happening here. I don't get what's happening here. What do you mean? We. The Social Security Administration just released Minneapolis's most popular baby names.

Oh, Jesus. And based on the findings, elementary school roll calls are about to sound like a very polite 1912 book club with some old-timey names. Yeah, we've gone from last names now to old-timey names. These aren't super old-timey, but there's a couple in there. Yeah. The boy names in Minnesota from fifth to first. These are the most popular.

We go Noah, Liam, Oliver, Henry, and Theodore. And from fifth to first, here's the top girl names. Olivia. In the land of 10,000 Theos. Olivia's been a big one. It's not in the top five. What? That's a great guest, though.

That's been a big one for a long time. What? Charlotte, Ephph. Violin, Violet, Eleanor, and Nora. Last year, Liam was Minnesota's top boy's name. Charlotte held onto the top spot for the girls for the fifth year in a row. Olivia, Emma, and Amelia were among the most popular names in 2024. Amelia.

Yes, Amelia. Nick, Josh, Dana, and Ashley did not make the top 100, but Meat Sauce and Crisco did. The Social Security Administration has tracked baby names since 1997 with record. though, dating back to 1880. 1880. So if you got a Theo or a Theodore or a Nora, there's a lot of them out there. In a few years, we're going to be hearing that name a lot, those names.

Now in Paramount Plus, the fourth season premiere of Criminal Minds Evolution and the streaming premiere of Scream 7. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got to go see Scream. Well, me and some pals have made a pack to go see the latest scream movie at the theater. Scary movie? Oh, I got confused there. I mean, that's very understandable. Sorry, you were talking about scream.

Yeah, scream. Okay, my bad. But there's a scary movie coming out, another one of those. And me and some pals have decided we're going to go to the theater. I think it cuts loose on us here in five, six days. Happy belated birthday. We're big fans of the Wayans family. They've got a couple good ones.

Happy belated birthday to friend of the brother and sisterhood entertainer C. Willie Miles. It's See Willie Miles birthday? It is. Yeah, he's out of town. That's why he didn't join us yesterday, doing a little birthday celebration. Some bitch is always out of town. He travels a lot. That's all he does.

He does travel a lot. Whether it's for work or pleasure, he does enjoy getting out of town. We'd like to send condolences to the Sherwood family. I was told this morning their loved one, Sharon passed recently, and we were very sorry to read that. Happy 52nd to meet Inspector Jesus. Not related to the Colonel Sheezis, wishes Dustin Sanders, aka Slaps, a happy 38th birthday. That was text in by Dirty White Boy Jesus. Go ahead, Slaps. Shout out to Wabi Jesus for the last day of school.

He said, it's very sad. He's going to miss the students over the summer. Is today the last day of school at certain places? I guess so, yeah. Man, I remember the last day of school. We used to go buck wild on the last day of school. Oh, yeah, the last week, maybe even month, was pretty much worthless as far as effort went, right? Well, no, not for me.

I did have to make an effort until the bitter end because I was such a terrible student, but I think I can understand what you're saying. Yeah, well, I think for a lot of folks, at least. least. I mean, it must be difficult to be a teacher in that last week. Like, good luck getting anybody to pay attention. I remember, I mean, in high school, of course, you just kind of ran out the joint and then you'd go get high and drunk. But in junior high, I remember my last day in ninth grade, I hated a few of the teachers and counselors and whatnot over there. And they were all gathered at the front door, right? All the teachers and counselors, goodbye, have a good summer, all that

corny crap. And everyone's throwing their books and papers up in the year, right, Josh? Yeah. I collected as much as I could carry as a scrawny 15-year-old kid. I picked up every book, every trapper keeper, every sheet of paper, every folder that I could carry. So I more or less had like a cannonball of school supplies. I'm carrying it down the hallway until I got to the front door where all the teachers were. And then I threw it all at them. Oh, geez. It sounded like you're setting up to saying, look how good of a student.

No, I just showered them with garbage and then said, blow me and ran out of there. I wonder if they get together and say, remember that garbage store? Oh, my God. What was that kid's name again? I almost herniated myself. Just, ah! Yeah. Those were the fun times.

Starting tomorrow at noon until Sunday, Big Gut, Toot Truck Jesus said it's round two of Elko drift at Elko Speedway, three days of drifting and drift competitions. That sounds pretty cool. That's a talent. You'd be good at that. Back in the day when you had the e-break, right? Yeah. You could do something like in the winter.

I've never done it or even tried just on dry pavement. You could be a drift racer. Yeah, that stuff was fun. And that's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Ryder on the half-ass morning show. Trial Cobb with an empty netter and is for nothing. Furkees. Yeah, dude somehow got the puck in the park in the show.

the empty net last night, and you could barely hear the announcers over that angry French Canadian crowd. North Carolina is coming closer and closer to having a chance to fight for that Stanley Cup. They shut out the Montreal Canadiens in front of that French Canadian home crowd last night. She was 3-0 or 4-0-0 if you count those empty-net goals. That's how it turned out, Randy Shaver. Did you see much of the hockey game? I did. I watched the the first period, then I turned over to the twins, and both were bad last night. So I just said, you know what, I'm going to turn on a movie or I don't even know what I end up watching. Brad, Ryder, did you have your...

Miserable night. Brad, did you have your foam finger on one hand and your, I don't know, uh, uh, Carolina Hurricanes beer mug in the other? Were you enjoying last night's, uh... No, I can't say that I was. It was the nights of a night. I went out and went outside. I went for a walk.

Yeah, it was two nights. Oh. 3-0-4-0. So the series is now set at 3-1. Hurricanes game 5 will be back in Flair Country. Tomorrow night. The Hurricanes goaltender, Fred Anderson. Doesn't sound like much, does he?

Just kind of a basic average? the street. Fred Anderson. He's by that good advice on how to mow your lawn. Yeah, he fixes lawn mowers. He lives down the street, Fred. He made 18 saves. That's his third shutout this stinking postseason. So there you go. With those two hockey-rich markets of...

Brad, don't. North Carolina. He didn't know. Brad, you weren't on air yesterday. It's not his fault. You weren't with this yesterday. It's not your fault. We covered this yesterday. We talked about how we have to stop making that same joke. because for decades now Dallas, North Carolina, Florida, Los Angeles, who am I missing? Well, two teams from Florida, Tampa Bay, Florida. We have to stop making that joke because, you know, it's not 1990 anymore.

We have these hockey teams and non-hockey markets, and a great majority of them have been wonderfully successful. So I think it just makes us sound like self-absorbed state of hockey douchebags. So we're trying, Brad, and I'm not mad at you, we're all going to collectively try to quit that bad habit. Okay. It just is what it is. I was actually poking fun at the people who poke fun at it. Oh, then I have to start my speech all over again.

Yeah, go ahead, start from scratch. And Randy Shaver made the great point yesterday that here's the deal. They fill those frigging rinks. Yeah, they do. It's not like they're somehow playing hockey in front of five, people and they're surviving. That's not the case. That was the case. The jokes were warranted for the Phoenix slash Arizona Coyotes a lot of the time. Yes. Because that was the one, maybe it wasn't the one, maybe I'm forgetting somebody, but it just never caught on. Sure,

they had a couple of teams that made a decent push in the playoff, right, and they would fill the barn here and there, but that was the one where still, yeah, you can continue, I think, to fairly make fun of the I want to say it was three years ago. My son and I went down to Arizona for his spring break and during spring training and caught a couple of baseball games. We went to a Phoenix Coyote's game, and they were playing in their college arena at the time. And it was just surreal to go watch an NHL game in a 4,000. Literally it was a 4,000-seat college arena.

Yeah, and wasn't the name of the rink like Beer Bong Arena or Thong Underwear? It had an unusual name. It was called a drinking problem arena. Only like 20 rows of seats the whole way around the thing. It was just unreal. It was like going to Braymar to watch an NHL game. Right. I know we'll be able to come up with it,

but it had a, it was like unprotected sex center or something really strange like that. I don't think that's what it was called. That was your townhouse back in your day. And Rogers, right? Jesus, Chrimony. You ain't kidding.

Back in your Rogers days? Yeah, oh God, and Rogers, we cut loose up there. There were no rules in Rogers. Molotarina, there it is. Oh, is that really what it's called? That's what was texted to me. Was that a joke? No.

Like, you know how they call it the cheese spot now? I believe that was legitimate. So now someone needs to look up and... I'm looking it up, yes, that's what it's called. Why? Just because that's funny? Because it's hockey and everyone associates the mullet with hockey players? No, some guy by the last name of Mollett, I think.

Oh, really? I think. Well, that would have been more fitting then. That's very interesting. We're going to find out. Maybe Brad Riders correct on that. That kind of ruins the joke, but it would make sense. Mollett Arena.

Yeah, I remember, you know, when I was pretending to have a purpose, up in St. Cloud, Minnesota. The North Stars would play a pregame. The North Stars would play a preseason game at whatever St. Cloud's rink is called up there, and that was kind of a funny setting. I bet. To see the North Stars.

I remember, I believe, in back-to-back seasons, they played the Vancouver Canucks for a pre-season game up there. And, of course, it was just a bunch of JV guys. It wasn't like you were seeing Bobby Smith and Neil Broughton out there. but according to Wikipedia August 23rd 2022 they called it Mullet Arena in honor of

Donald and Barbara Mullet two of the university's benefactors How about that? Donnie Mullet. And it fit perfectly really being a college rink and you know the whole hockey mullet joke thing that everybody refuses to release and let go

forever. All right. Oh, Christ, speaking of you know, hockey and hockey towns. They cut loose with this gimmick again, where they sat down and analyzed the best hockey cities in the United States. So here you go, state of hockey hard-ons. You can get all fired up all over again.

They based their rankings on how the local pro club does, how the local college club performs, and this and that. How many Hall of Famers came from this part of town? How many tickets are sold? Who cares? It doesn't mean dick. But the number one hockey city in America,

I got to say, if you remember anything about the last time we had this conversation a year ago, the list doesn't appear to have changed at all. So what do you – I'm sure you don't remember, but go ahead and guess what's the number one hockey city in America go? It's probably Boston. It is Boston. The closest we hear in the – State of hockey. State of hockey.

St. Paul comes in at number 11. So if this is a kind of thing that offends you, I'll go ahead and give you the cities that finished higher than St. Paul, as far as great hockey cities here in the United States. St. Louis, Rally, North Carolina, Tampa, Florida. Newark, New Jersey, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Sunrise, Florida. New York, New York, Denver, Colorado, Detroit, Michigan, and Boston, is number one. Who else is in here? Orono is 26th. They deserve it. Really?

Well, yeah, Orno, Maine comes in at 26th. Burmidgee, 43rd. Minneapolis, 49th. St. Cloud, 58. Dilute, the Windy City. 59. Mankato, 64. The average age of one of their hockey players. Right. They're freshmen. Even a freshman. St. Paul, number 11. There you go.

I don't take these things too seriously, but some do. And they feel very butt-hurt. State of it. But if the hurricanes make the cup final, which is looking more and more like they would, will. But anything can happen. Montreal's a very talented club. If the Hurricanes make the final final, that will be, I think, the first time they've been to the Cup since, I think I have this correct, 2006. And that was a team that I really loved. They had a lot of veteran players

on that 2006 Hurricanes team that I was really rooting for. Rod Brendamore, who's now their coach, Eric Cole, Matt Cullen, Brett Heddickin from right here, two Minnesotans right there. Matt Cullen, And Brett F me, runnin' headigan. God, he was a great defenseman. I was never much of a Mark Recky guy, but he was on that team. Eric Stahl. Cam Ward, great goaltender. Glenn Wesley.

We've had that conversation before. Maybe the most emotional I've ever seen a hockey player when he finally laid his hands on the Stanley Cup was Glenn Wesley, a defenseman played for the Hartford Whalers and then came to Carolina. team moved. That dude was inconsolable. Ray Whitney, Justin Williams. And then, of course, there was a defenseman. There was a Swedish defenseman, friggin Swedes on that team by the name of Nicholas Walleen. And I know you've heard me tell the story before. I went on vacation to Costa Rica. And the room directly next to me was belonged to Nicholas Walene, who was on vacation after winning

the cup in Costa Rica. I'm out on the deck, you know, overlooking the old. ocean in our room. And next to me, I see this massive muscular dude, no shirt on, of course, and he's got a tattoo on, a fresh tattoo on his shoulder of the Stanley Cup trophy. And so I brilliantly said, hey, uh, you play hockey? And he said, yes, I do. What's your name? Nicholas Valene. I play for Carol. I said, yeah, I watched you play in the cup finals, just a few weeks ago, man, congratulations. We ended up beer drinking buddies for four days straight. I could not shake this dude. Could not shake him. He had his wife and kids with him. He spent more time with me. He did. Every morning at breakfast, he'd wave to me. Hey, hey, Nicholas, how you doing?

Then he'd walk over and say, do you want to go to the pool and get a couple of Frosties with me? We were dating for four days. Me and Nick. He was the friendliest, he was the friendliest, he was the friendliest, I don't know what it was about his wife and kids, but he had zero interest in spending any... He was at our door, waved to me at breakfast, and we'd go have a few beers. In the afternoon, he'd knock on the door, do you want to go to the pool? Yeah, I'll go to the... He told all kinds of great hockey stories. It was one of the most fun few days.

The people I went to Costa Rica with, they were upset with me. Because all they did was spend time with this giant muscular, waxed Swedish guy. God dang, we had a great time. time. Oh, and you know what? Well, maybe I shouldn't tell you that part. He had some things to say about certain players, but I'm not going to sell him out, you know. I asked him, like, who do you like? Who don't you like? God, he had some, I wish I could. Any good stories? I wish I wouldn't have said his name now because, you know, I would hate for him to get back. Good stories? Yeah, like you could just describe without saying who the player was.

Oh, I don't want, I really don't know if I can be subtle about it. Josh. I'm sorry. But there were just, yeah, there were certain players he did not like. And it was kind of fun to listen to. A Minnesota Frost player has been named a finalist for the PWHL MVP Award. They call it the Billy Jean King MVP Award. State of hockey. And that would be Kelly Panic. Frost forward Kelly Panic. She set a record this year, 33 points in 30 games. and that was 22 more points than she recorded in the previous season. Jesus, that's a pretty good season.

Yep. So she's up for the MVP. The other finalists would be Anne René Desbien of the Montreal Victoire and a gal named Aaron Frankel of the Boston Fleet. They call their club the Fleet, Josh. Interesting. Well, good luck to Miss Panic. I mentioned earlier yesterday I went on and on about how impressed I am by the Minnesota twins so far this season

and then last night they go out. You put too much pressure on them. They get their dicks kicked in by 13 frigging runs. Oh, my God. But you know what? But Randy Schaeber, this has been rare. It has been. Yeah.

No, I agree. I'm going to be Mr. Positive again. It was freaking ugly. Fifth inning was just a disaster last night. Yeah. And the bullpen was awful. So, I mean, you knew everybody has these kind of games. The twins had some of these early, mostly because their bullpen faltered.

But Connor Prelip struggled last night, too. So it was just an overall terrible mess. They gave up 18 hits. And they only managed three hits themselves. It was just not a pretty game. And this White Sacks, I keep saying this, but, you know, this White Sacks team is, they're young, and they've called up all these guys, Midrith and Vargas and Montgomery, Antich. I don't even know how to pronounce the guy's name.

I'm not, I'm not making a move until you get it right. What's the name? Antinacci. Antinacci. Antinacci, I think. I knew Anne back in high school. She had a sister named Missy. Antinachi?

Yeah. I mean, these guys have been, you know, part of their farm system. And now they're getting a chance to play. And they've been, Montgomery's been on that roster for like two or three years. And he's a pretty good player. But, I mean, they're showing they can do it. They're showing they can play. And then Sandlin made his Major League debut last night.

Prick. And only through 61 pitches and six innings. That's how I think the twins were hoping to jump on this guy early. They didn't have a lot of patience with him last night, and that showed. Game plan might have been swing early, and it went sideways forward. Try to rattle the guy, and that didn't work. He was really good. Forget this one.

There's a final day game in the series later today. If the twins can go out and snatch that one up, hell they can square up the series at two wins apiece. Tage Bradley. Well, against Davis Martin, which is a great pitching matchup today. Oh, see, my paper told me it's a cat named Eric Fetty. He's always ready, they say. I thought it was Davis Martin today.

Yeah, the twins website is different pitchers, too. Who did they say? Rojas and Davis Martin. Well, what they say? See, I think Rojas, Davis Martin, who's on ESPN.com today, too. He's my brohoss. That Rojas kid. his style. Even that's a really good pitching matchup, because Rojas is proving himself to be pretty good.

I guess we'll have to just tune the F in and find out. Here's gutter slinging Jesus, who texted in to say, my under 10 or 10 under baseball team, what does that mean, you're 10 or younger? 10 you, the kid's 10 years old. Okay. He says, my 10 U baseball team did better than the twins last night, and we suck. He said, we only live. lost 14 to 4. Yeah, that is better.

Speaking of pitching, Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Christopher Sanchez. He's dirty. He's really dirty. He's a hell of a pitcher. He was excellent in last night's game against the Padres. Seven shutout innings, six hits

allowed, struck out nine batters. Now, here's the deal. He now has a scoreless streak of 44.2 innings. and that apparently shattered the previous big league record of 41 shutout innings. The record was held by a cat from way back in 19 and 11 who went by the name of Pete Alexander. 19 and 11 is how long that record stood until here comes this Christopher Sanchez character. Also, what's it say here?

Sanchez is in Elite Company Dodgers pitcher Oral Hersheiser back in September of 88 pitched a scoreless month I remember that and now Sanchez is he only other guy to do that he pitched a scoreless month

F me he got a big pay day he got paid before the season started so he's living up to that big contract The whole month of May, he never gave up a run? How we could use one of those son of a bitches on our clubs. I want to say Francisco Liriano came really close to that. Oh, yeah?

And he was on fire that one. Yeah, I don't think he did it per se, but I think he only maybe gave up one or two runs. I can't doubt you on that, Bradrider. Frankie Liriano was something to see. Bryce Harper is aggravating everybody. the social media crowd. They think he's weird for the way he brushes his teeth.

Randy Shaver, Bradrider, did you see the video of Bryce Harper brushing his teeth? I did not. I didn't know there would be such a thing. Yeah. It's just social media people. They're always just looking for something, you know, so. I'm going to watch it right now. Yeah.

So what he does now is he's got the toothpaste jar in one hand and he's got the brush in the other. and he squirts the toothpaste into his yapper, and then he starts orally pleasing the toothbrush, and he brushes his teeth. Instead of putting the toothpaste on the brush and then jamming it into his arrogant yap, he first squirts the toothpaste into his mouth and then mixes it up.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. I mean, it's different. I don't think I'd be too up in arms over it. Oh, no, there's not. I was enraged. Yeah. I guess I'd be afraid to swallow the toothpaste

before I actually started brushing my teeth with it. Do you think he does that or that was a bit? Don't know. He's an odd dude. Because he's filming himself brushing his teeth. What's really funny, what's really funny is there was an online vote. And it's just so dumb. 40% voted that this was totally gross.

33% said it's a total time saver. And another 30% aren't sure what to make of it. That's my favorite. Yeah, I don't know what to make of it. I don't know. We're a nation-divided. It's not my problem. It's too bad that social media wasn't a thing back when Lou Ford was playing for the twins

because he could have gotten some really interesting stuff. You're not kidding. Randy, what's your name again? Bradrider? He would have made millions of dollars. Oh, my gosh. Very popular, I bet he'd be on social media. Based on some of the stuff I saw in the clubhouse,

I mean, the infamous one is when he ironed his shirt while it was on him. Right. Someone texted in now, Josh. they think you know the answer. What was Oral Hershizer's twin brother's name? Do you know what it was? No, I'm not so sure. I thought you knew the answer to this one.

No. I'll have to look that up. I know it's a joke. All right, so Bryce Harper squirts a toothpaste into his yap before he starts. A brushing. I don't know how you'd call it gross, but it's a social media crowd.

They always just try to create noise, usually over nothing. But this is kind of funny. So then who does Harper play for now? The Phillies? Yes. They went to play in San Diego a couple nights ago. And in San Diego, the ballpark scoreboard guy has got a sense of humor.

So when they put Harper's picture up on the scoreboard with all of his stats, the scoreboard guy also posted this up right next to his stats. It said squirts toothpaste into his mouth instead of onto a toothbrush when brushing his teeth. I like it when they do the little jokey little facts. Yeah. Oh, local 34, Jesus. Oral Hersheyzer's twin brother? Yeah.

Yeah. It's anal Hershey. But he didn't play pro ball. No. They're just twins. Isn't that weird? He never even took an interest in baseball. No.

He always kind of took a back seat to his brother. Took a different route. What route would he take? Like if there was a freeway. No. He was a football center. If Oral was taking the freeway to Grandma's house, anil would take what? The exit ramp.

No, no. The back way. The dirt road. He would take the... Oh, God, I can't do that. God. The dirt road. Why do I sit through this stuff? Because it's beer money. That's right. This is your beer money.

Paying college loans back. God. The dirt road. Where is that? In relation to the Hershey Highway. Are they pretty much perpendicular? One runs north-south, the other one runs east-west. Oh, gotcha. The Hershey, that whole gimmick where they kind of made fun of Bryce Harper on the scoreboard.

That brings me back to one of my favorite WWE moments. The WWE did that for a stretch of time, where when a wrestler would walk the ramp, they would post up like maybe his record over his last five or six matches, you know, where he's from. They don't really do that. Anyway, and the best one was Randy Orton's walking the ramp, walking the aisle one night. And it says, you know, Randy Orton, youngest world champion in WWE history from Kansas City, Missouri, second generation wrestler.

And the last little statistic they put up there was perfect. It said, Randy Orton, fun fact, Randy Orton has never had a Zit. I love that kind of stuff. I'm like, that's, who in the back came up with that one? God, that's awesome. Probably those some bitches who take the dirt road, Randy. All right. Oklahoma City and San Antonio are playing again tonight.

Yep. Jesus, crime, and I've had enough. I think it's going to be over tonight. Mm. Because I really honestly don't think that OKC wants to take it to a game seven. They're going to push to get her done tonight, you say. Get it done tonight. night. Don't even gamble.

Plus, you get an extra day or two off if you can get it done tonight. Well, we'll see about that. I just, I've reached my limit with both of these clubs. I know you have. We discussed that yesterday. But again, it's not like I'm going away forever. It's not like I'm going to shut off the television.

I just can't talk too much about it. It just turns my stomach. But there's some more information, though, on this series and the characters involved. You know how the NBA media wants us all to believe that Victor Wembeiyamba is the greatest thing since canned beer. But in a lot of ways, he's just a spoiled little rich kid, like a lot of the rest of the, like a lot of your favorite star athletes, a spoiled rich kid.

The other night when Oklahoma City made the Spurs more or less toss their salad, and Wemba Yamba played like garbage. After the salad tossing, he refused to talk to the media because he's mad and he's special. Right, and he refused to talk to the media. And the NBA has warned him about that because that's against the rules. Whatever, Batch. He gets warned and then Tortorella and Vegas loses a second round

draft choice for not showing up for their media. I mean, go on. What's the real rule here? You want to talk about preferential treatment? I don't want to talk to the media. I'm Victor Wemba Yamba. Quit being a punk.

Well, you know what? That happens so much in professional. sports. It just does. What's funny is, I saw this on social media. This was funny. We talked yesterday again about how when you watch these basketball games, I mean, they blow, they glaze Wemba Yamba and Shay Gilgisle Alexander until you almost puke in your own lap sitting at home and watching the game. It's just horrific how these announcers just continue to polish these effing guys Now on the topic of Wemba Yamba skipping out on the media

And this is true Someone on social media said You know if it was Anthony Edwards Or what's the Maxie kid in Philadelphia Oh Tyrese Maxi? Tyrese Maxi They said if it was Anthony Edwards or Tyrese Maxi Everyone would call it immaturity

But since it's Wemba Yamba They'll frame it as intensity Or his high level of competitiveness Or how he's going to let his play on the court speak for, how do I say that? He'll let his play on the court do the talking. That's the spin they'll put on it. And I wouldn't

be surprised if you hear exactly that tonight. You know, he didn't talk to the media last night, Terry. No, he didn't. He lets his actions on the court do the talking. Terry. Terry Bradshaw's there. He's a... Terry. Okay. Terry.

That's right, Wendell. It's Terry and Wendell, the two guys that are. What do you think of the rumor NBA fans think that Wembeiyamba put a hit out on I saw that Yeah I saw it as it was happening

I saw it when he exited the game and he whispered something to those two guys and immediately that's what I thought And it happened I mean those two guys hard-fowled What's his name? McCain right after that NBA fans think that when Beamba put a hit out on Oklahoma City

Thunder's Guard Jared McKin late in game five of this here series. So the video that Brad Ryder saw and that a lot of folks have watched, Wembe Yombo whispers something to Bismack Biombo, Josh. That's a name? It's been so long since you've worn your, since you've worn your Beambo jersey. I can't find it. You can't even find your Bismack Beambo?

It's like that missing sock. Where did it go? When Beiomba whispered something to Bismack Beambo and Mason Plumley, your least favorite member of the Plumley family, as those two stiffs checked into the game, right? It's JV time. So let's put in Biombo and Plumley, and you see when Bejamba says into their ears. And then, yes, like Brad said,

both of them go out and foul this McCain kid awful hard. So there's that. Well, the announcers even picked up on it too because I think it was Reggie Miller, either Reggie Miller or Jamal Crawford said something to the effect of what is he still doing on the floor, meaning McCain because he had pulled, the Oklahoma City coach had pulled all of his starters except for him. And they were trying to figure out. They were speculating why is he still on the floor.

This is a 20-point game. All right. I think they knew something was up too. If you want to go back to the Bryce Harper thing real quick with the way he brushes his teeth, the listener texted in to say what Bryce Harper does with his teeth. toothbrush is still better. It's still better than what Shaquille O'Neill

does with his toothbrush. You'd imagine if there's one of those online polls you were talking about. There wouldn't be many undecided. I think people would take a side. Oh, by the way, where was I the other night? I was Somer's. And I'm looking at it right now. In our studio, we have

this was sent to us a while back the Shaquille O'Neal toothbrush set it's for kids this was marketed when he was a member of the Orlando Magic and it's a cup that kids can put their toothbrushes in you know put it by the sink it's got a back the cup is shaped like an NBA basket there's a backboard and there's a miniature Shaquille O'Neal action figure

dunking into the cup brilliant I never knew this existed until after I told the Shaquille O'Neal toothbrush story. A listener sent this to us. I was somewhere the other night, and I ran into the guy who sent this to us. Oh, cool.

Maybe it was that Tom Kiefer show. I can't remember. Just so you know, if you're listening, dude, we still have it in studio. I look at it every day. Looking at it right now. All right, back to basketball real quick. I bet this was good.

Adam Silver, the commissioner of the NBA, gave his opinion on flopping, in the National Basketball Association, because this has been a big subject, because that's basically all that Gilgis Alexander dude does, is drive a little bit, and then, oh, God, and he falls off into the first row, and they give him a couple of free throws.

I would only say that there's a difference between selling a call, exaggeration, and a true flop, which is where you're actually fooling the referees. I think sometimes even as I sit in the stands at games, players may be falling down, players may be reacting to a call, but then to me, if they're not fooling the referee, referees, it's like, okay, that's like the players are taught to sell calls these days. I mean, can officiating get better?

Of course. We're always working on that. Can officials get fooled occasionally? We're always looking at as well. But the officiating is incredible. It sounds like he doesn't realize what a problem it is. It's a terrible problem. It's the worst part of the National Basketball Association is the foul baiting is so out of control.

It's just disgusting. I think he realizes what it's doing to the game, but it's an awful hard thing to police too. I don't know, I guess. I just think it's a... That and tanking are the two things that they are definitely addressing and trying to figure it out.

This sounds just awful, and I know what some of you are saying again with the soccer, but, you know, there's this soccer tournament coming to town. I forget what it's called. And we keep getting some interesting stories. What was the one we had yesterday? You could get a Domino's Pizza or something, if somebody gets a red card.

Right. If a U.S. player gets a red card. A million bucks worth of pizza. This is unfortunate. They're a couple weeks away from playing some soccer games. They're going to play a handful of games in Mexico. And it just so happens. In the same neighborhood where they're scheduled to play these soccer games,

there's a serial killer. on the loose? Jesus. Well, I thought the cops were kind of saying we don't know or really think that these are related and it was like 200 miles away. I thought it was something, like the

headlines made it more salacious than it was. Somebody said, well, yeah, we've got a serial killer on the loose, but not in this particular neighborhood where we're going to be playing soccer. What's happening is the serial killer is killing these people and then bringing their bodies to this neighborhood? Oh, my God.

That sounds like someone who's trying to sell soccer tickets. No, the killings aren't happening here. They're happening a couple hundred miles down the road, but the guy just happens to drop the bodies here. It might see a dead body, but it won't be your body. It didn't happen here. It happened way off.

This is horrible. It's absolutely just disgusting. Three, four people have been murdered over an 11-day period down there. And they got soccer fans coming to town. We hear terrible things about what goes on down there. I don't know if all of it's true, but you don't want to be stepping over carcasses when you're trying to, and you guys sound awfully concerned. Well, I'm just trying to process that. Jesus.

All right. Oh, yeah, someone just texted in and said, you mean football games are coming to town. Football. I could never do that. Well, because you probably have to explain it every time. here. Right, right. Pickleball is now the official sport

of the state of Arizona. That's not surprising. State of pickleball. Oh my God. No, what is our official sport? I didn't know that states had official sports. I know we had an official bird and we have an official... State of hockey.

Jesus. Is it hockey? I would think so. I would think so. Well, of course, that would be the most reasonable answer, but I just don't know. I never knew that states had official sports. Could be fishing.

Could be? Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, ice hockey. How did you find that so easily? Google. Okay. I never knew that states designated an official sport. And Arizona is not the only one.

Sorry if this is sloppy, but I didn't have a chance to edit this before we went live skis. There are other states who have named pickleball as their official sport. Utah designated pickleball as its official sport a couple years ago. Do you know what state pickleball

was invented in, anybody? Washington State? That's official sport there. Well, you'd think you'd be better at the game, Randy, if you know so much about it. Randy's right. Washington State, where pickleball was invented in 1965,

I believe Washington State also made pickleball their official. Sorry to come off like Ashley or a Canadian, went by saying official. But they named pickleball their official sport. They invented it in 1965. It took a while to catch on that. Yeah. Oh, hell, yeah. It's weird how much it just exploded.

State of pickleball. It's kind of unsettling. You're unsettling. I know. I'm working on it. All right, check this out now. All right, so congratulations, Pickleball. A lot of us are trying to let it go.

But you're being named the official sport of Arizona and other states. Good for you, pickleball. You're doing a hell of a job. Maryland, their official sport, jousting. Oh, come on. It says right here. Dickie Dunn wrote this, Randy. It's got to be true.

Josting? Josting. Josting. And it has been their official sport since 19 and 62. Josh, you want to look that? that up for us? Make sure I'm not making this up. This ain't the liquor talking. That sounds right, but hold on me look. Yeah, where you put on the gear and you've got a lance in your hand and you try to stab the other.

That's an expensive, dangerous sport. So they've actually got three. That's not fair. Oh, is one of them jousting? Yes, one of them is. What else? Jousting, lacrosse and walking? Walking. I was going to say lacrosse. That's a big lacrosse state.

because they're like they have you know the state sport is jousting the state team sport the state solo sport so they've got a few of them oh they mix it up like that yeah do they have jousting competitions i mean i don't know dude um but they they hung the name on the wall as one of the official sports josh and i josted once and save your stupid jokes oh my god we did when we sweat our asses off oh i know that was difficult we surprisingly difficult. In the old days at the Mall Plus America, I think we were on our way to watch an oral sex competition at that bar up there. Fat Tuesdays. There was an oral sex competition. I finished first and third. We were on our way to a bar,

and there was up on that top level, there was an empty room. And we ducked in our little heads to see what was going on, and it was a dude who was teaching jousting classes in there. He probably only rented the joint for a few months, but for a short period of time, you could go to the top floor at the Mall of America, go see this guy and learn how to joust. So the guy was desperate for anyone to take an interest. So when he saw Josh and I duck our heads in, he said, come on in.

I'll show you how it's done. And he put the outfits on us, and we went back and forth with the lances. And it was kind of fun, but the outfits made us sweat uncontrollably. We went to that oral sex competition. looking like we just practiced. I already lubed up. All right. Alaska has an official sport. Fishing.

God sweating. I'm going to call it close enough, Brad Rider. Randy said fishing. I'm going to call it close enough with Brad Rider. Alaska's official sport is dog mushing. Same thing. This is now my big obsession online. Looking these up.

I watched this family does homesteading across the country where they teach you how to homestead. And a lot of it's in central Alaska, which is in like the middle of no, obviously the middle of nowhere. Yeah. So I just, I'm fascinated by people who walk away from their life and go live on 50 acres in the middle of nowhere and try to survive. That's called homesteading. Yeah, there's a family, a father and a daughter and the daughter's husband, and they go around the country to teach you how to be better at homesteading and help provide you, like they'll build an important shed or something for your homestead.

It's a show on TV somewhere. but when you brought Alaska is a place I would love to go to I would say here I would just I think it would be incredible because there's just so much there that's not even been touched by

people it's crazy you gotta be out of your mind oh I need to I need to think I'll be scared to death no I got to have some civilization around me or I'd go completely crazy I think I'd just to masturbate 20 times a day. Anyway, I need to slow down

so much. Got to conserve energy out there, Josh. That brings up an old story. I was fishing with, you know, you guys have heard my stories about growing up. Through my dad and his friends, my brother and I grew up fast.

There was no holding back on language or subject matter with my dad and his pals. So my brother and I learned a lot very quickly. But One particular day out fishing. It did take me by surprise. I think I was probably 12.

And I'm fishing with two of my dad's buddies. They're both gone now. Well, so is the old man. But anyway, I'm fishing with these two old boys. And we were in the middle of nowhere in Canada. But yet on an island, there was a little cabin with a big satellite dish like they had in the 80s. Back in the 80s, the satellite dish had to be about the size of a house, right? to uh yeah and one of my dad's buddies says what is that one of them satellite dishes and the other one guy

the other guy says yeah i suppose so you could watch ball games and whatnot and the first guy says well it makes sense i guess living up here in the middle of nowhere if i didn't have a satellite dish i'd probably just jack off 20 times a day and as a 12 year old kid i thought i didn't know you guys openly talked about that and and number two gross And number three, yeah. Probably just jack off 20 times a day. All right, let's do some fishing. I have to correct myself.

I got wound up. I don't know these non-traditional sports. We were, all this time, we were talking about jousting. I had it wrong. Jousting is on horseback with the big sword. I knew what you meant. When Josh and I went to that mall of America, dude, that's called fencing. Yeah, that's what we are.

Oh, for God's sake. It's two different things. Yeah, I know there are two different things, but I didn't put two in two. It's not often that I sit and talk about jousting or fencing, so I got them confused. I'm sorry. Jousting, sitting on a horse. I was going to ask you. None of you guys corrected me the entire time.

I knew what you were talking about. I knew you were talking about fencing. Oh, I didn't. I thought you were talking about jousting. You really thought there were horses at the Mall of America? No, Brad. My question was going to be, how did the guy? teach jousting without the horse.

Did you run with the big, you know? That's what I picture my head, Randy. Dana was in a horse outfit. Sorry, we don't often have those conversations, so I got a little lost on the definitions of jousting and fencing. The fencing guy did tell Josh and I that day, he said, you know, if you guys wouldn't have stopped by, I probably just would have jacked off 20 times.

In Hawaii, the official sport is canoe paddling. And now finally, we've got to get the hell out of here. Surfing was the other one. They had two. Oh, surfing. Surfing. Which makes sense. And surfing was also Californias.

There's a really interesting point made in this article all about how pickleball is the new official sport of Arizona. And it's been named the official sport of a few other states a few years ago. Yeah, the sport's gone crazy in popularity. Yep. It seems like it might be waning a little bit. I think so. this is the interesting point I read. They mentioned this.

They're giving pickleball credit for its staying power, I guess. They say here, and if you're a little older, you'll remember that this is true. In the 80s, racquetball had 14 million registered players in the United States. It was the fastest growing sport in the country. Clubs were opening everywhere. Everyone had a membership. everyone was playing racquetball and everyone said it was going to be huge.

I played that a couple times. When we were kids, junior high kids, we would go to the YMCA and play racquetball. So I guess their point is all the noise that was made about racquetball went nowhere. When's the last time you saw a racquetball court or heard of anyone playing racquetball? I actually know a few people that play racquetball on a daily basis.

So their point is pickleball has, I guess, made it. Well, pickleball is different, though, in the sense that you can play pickleball outside, inside. True. It's. It has that advantage. Racquetball, you've got to play in a racquetball court. Right.

Pickle ball can be kind of fluid. And it's not, I don't think it's nearly as expensive. I guess it depends on how much you want to spend on a racket. but not nearly as expensive as... Yeah. But I guess... Pickleball is also easier to play casually with people that you know than racquetball is. But racquetball was supposed to be what pickleball has become today, yeah.

You're right. You don't... You didn't see racketball clubs opening everywhere, but you see a pickleball club on every frigging corner now. Well, racquetball was a big part of like the Northwest clubs that used to open in the Twin Cities all around the... Twin Cities. I don't know what they are now. Yeah, I think that's where I played it.

Yeah, Northwest Clubs. That was the big draw to those clubs, was racquetball. Did you happen to look up North Carolina state sport, Nick? It's pretty cool. I don't, if it's here, I don't see it. What is it? Stock car racing. Oh, of course. That's awesome. Of course. That is really cool. I actually looked it up while

you guys were talking about hockey in those states because I've always been curious because hockey's in North Carolina and Florida and Texas, did high school hockey ever take off? And in all those places, high school hockey is a growing sport, not necessarily a sanctioned high school sport. It's a club sport in the Carolinas, Florida, and Texas,

but it's growing enough where it might at some point become a high school sport, which tells you a little bit about, you know, the fan bases in those places and the interest in hockey, which is not a bad thing. I think that's a good thing, right? Yeah. We here in the state of hockey, enjoy hearing news like that.

All right, you bastards. We will do it all over again tomorrow morning. We appreciate your time. You bet. Okay. I turn my own microphone off. We'll be back in a few minutes here on the Half-Ast morning show. Air conditioning, the love of my life.

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Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Lkeylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-L-L-L-E-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-com. And it spells relief for you. Square up. You know, what's going on, man? It's on Jerry Burk, two-time world champion.

Today's guest, NFL legend, media mogul. What's up? Ocho Sanko. What's the good, baby? We call them gym fighters. Those guys are being in the gym, they can probably beat the hell out of any world champion they can think of. Yeah. When that bell ring?

Yeah. And then lights on, you got 10,000, watching? When I stepped in that ring, I think boxing is becoming great again. Square up. Follow and listen. on your favorite platform. Let's go. F-assed morning show, 93X.

It's Dr. Andrea. Everything all right? Yeah, I didn't mean for that to play, that's for sure. Let's start everything over. Yeah, I'm struggling today. Hey, you don't sound so good. No. Sorry, bro.

It's all right. It happens. Yeah, we're sick. We're getting through it. Oh. 26 minutes. Just keep that clock in your head rolling. We'll be out of here soon enough, Dana.

You can go back to bed. Welcome back. We appreciate you dial it into the half-ass morning show. Here's the deal. We've been talking a lot about masturbation this morning. Even without Ashley here, and she's the one who usually brings up all the filthy topics. Yeah, she's weird about it.

She claims she's sick. I'm not buying it. But even without Ashley, we got onto the topic. Oh, I know how it started. There's a company out there, Summers. We had this information for you earlier in our stupid news report. There's a company out there. where they'll pay you two grand a month to pull on your little acorn or massage your lady parts.

If you weren't listening to earlier, this is true, a true story. There's a company out there, they'll pay you two grand a month. You use their AI porno to masturbate all over yourself, and then you give them an honest review of how large a mess you made at your grand. as computer, you know, how it made you feel, that it released your stress. Did it help you sleep better? Did it make you feel? And then they pay you two grand a month.

That's how we got to talking about jacking it. Along the way, we got one or two messages texted in from listeners who said, you know, I never attacked my own gear until I was in my 20s or 30s, which I found very interesting. How did you not ever as a kid? How did you never just open up your pants and, uh, and roll the dice. Seems like something most people had done by their 30s, certainly.

So a couple people texted in and said, never attacked my own unit until I was in my 20s or 30s. One dude even said, he never tugged one loose until he was 29 years old, and the first time he made a run at it, it was while he was locked up in the county jailhouse. Bordom's a hell of a drug. So here's a couple of texts continuing this conversation

about awful, sinful masturbation. One listener says this, Josh. I was having sex two to three times daily when I was 14. Holy heck. But I didn't start rubbing off until I was 10. I'm kind of doing the math. It's like that joke we had earlier, the old joke about how every morning at 5 a.m., I take a huge dump.

The problem is I don't get out of bed until 5.30. All right, here's an interesting character here, who said I tried multiple times to jag it. But it didn't work. When it finally did, I thought I'd broken something. Years later, it became a bad habit for this individual. He says, I even tried to rub one out in an old folks' home elevator between the first and second floors. I tried to get it done between the first and second floors.

Challenge himself. Like a time trial. But I didn't make it, Ed. to go to the third floor, he says. Became a problem. That's all very, very interesting. Well, this one's sad, the reason why, and hopefully you're doing good now. This person says, I never touched myself until I was 21.

They had a brain tumor, which made them never go through puberty. So, I guess, late puberty started that whole thing. Hopefully everything's good there. I'm not sure I followed that. a brain tumor they said that didn't allow them to go through puberty. Oh, damn. I've never heard anything like that before. I haven't either, yeah.

Wow. Yeah, hopefully you're doing all right. Okay, now that we're through with all that, I did promise we'd come around and cover this. We're getting there, aren't we, Cubby? We're in our 40s and 50s here on the program. Well, Ashley isn't here. She's in her frigging 20s, the rest of us,

40s and 50s, aren't we? What I have here for you, These are supposedly typical things that folks might get involved in once they hit their 40s and 50s. Little life changes that folks tend to get involved in, apparently, when they hit their 40s and 50s. So hear me out. I'm going to dump these on you, these little life changes. You tell me if they sound ridiculous, do these sound like ridiculous ideas? Which of them sound reasonable?

you. Once you get into your 40s and 50s, it says here you might just quit drinking altogether, even if you don't have a problem. You just decide when you hit your 40s or 50s. Look, that's it. I'm going to try to clean things up. Goodbye, Steve Weiser's or hard liquor. I can understand making some health decisions. That older I get, the more I'm trying to do that. Okay. I've definitely seen that amongst a lot of my friends. I shouldn't say a lot, but definitely noticeable amount. Jesus. Now, do they actually quit or just talk about quitting?

No, some of them quit altogether. Others, you know, maybe once a month special occasions, they just don't, they're not interested in it anymore. Isn't that something? My pals, Dana, are going the other way. And they're going the other way, hard. Horde, as Dewey Cox would say, in his documentary, The Adventures of Dewey Coat.

Quitting alcohol altogether. I get it, like Josh said. A little life change, clean things up. I have absolutely dummied down my beer intake compared to a handful of years ago. It just doesn't work for me the way it used to. Hangovers are brutal. So my average alcohol intake is way down. Would I ever quit?

Absolutely not. I still so love a couple three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, or eleven cans of beer now and again. I love the taste. I love the way it makes me feel. I would have to have a doctor pin me down for me to quit drinking altogether. I just enjoy the hell out of it. And you slow down on chewing. So you're definitely making some health-related choices.

I've had some scares lately. Yeah. That's what the difference is, right? Unfortunately, that is the only way I personally could make a change. I think for most people. I don't have any willpower. I have zero willpower. I disagree.

I think you do, but you just something you just didn't really care. Like when you want to quit something or you make a decision, decision to do something you do it well i don't know i don't see any proof of that but i appreciate your support i think so i think you're very good at that all right here's another idea that folks in their forties and fifties i guess apparently have another idea uh this to me sounds ridiculous but you guys tell me running a quick 5k before work well i couldn't ever run that far much less a quick one jesus but we do hear in the early morning brother and sisterhood who've been with us since the beginning, a lot of them. They'll text in, hey, I'm at the gym. I've been doing this.

Right when we start at 540, there's people already there. I guess let's get away from the specifics of a 5K because that sounds ridiculous. Just exercise before work. I know people who have been doing it their whole lives. They'll get up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go work out before they go to work. That sounds insane to me. Insane. How in the hell do you get through a work day after you went and jogged and bench press at 4 o'clock in the morning. I would be destroyed. For some folks, I guess it works the opposite way.

I'm with you. I got to take the next couple days off. What was I thinking working out before work? I mean, maybe after work is done, you go get in a quick this or that. But before work, you're getting up extra early for that? Oh, my damn, no. Brandon said he's at the gym by 4 a.m. Yeah, we hear from folks just like you.

It's impressive. I wish I could do something like. I know a lot of folks like you, Brandon. How about this now? Okay? You're in your 40s, 50s? piss on it. You get a divorce, you go back to being single. You sure see that, right?

Yeah. Yeah, living proof. Well, but I'm talking about you just for no good reason. Oh, I see. Yeah. You're saying, you kind of bored one day? Like, yeah, no, let's spice things up. I'm going to take a walk. Yeah.

Hey, good news, real quick to get back to that person who had the brain tumor. 31 now doing a lot better. Proper meds, tumor is pretty much gone. We're glad to hear it. Absolutely. that diagnosis is pretty scary. We had a prior conversation about pickleball. A lot of people in their 40s and 50s suddenly become pickleball enthusiasts and they're hitting every tournament in town.

I played for a while, but it was just an opportunity to hang out with my older kids. It wasn't so much the love of pickleball. Yeah, I mean, we're talking about the folks, Josh, that are in a league. Like Dr. P. Like Dr. P. We're all in. A good gal for it. My pickleball coach, Kim.

Did you meet Kim? Well, of course. Yeah, you know her. Yeah, of course. And she's not really my pickleball coach, but she played that role at Randy Shaver's charity pickleball tournament a few weeks ago. I've known her my entire life.

It's her favorite effing thing in the entire world. Into her 40s, suddenly she tried it, and now she is like known in the community. I wonder what it is about pickleball. There's not a lot of people that are, yeah, it's all right. They're either passionate about it or they're just not into it at all. I don't know.

Maybe there's some secret that we don't know. It's a swingers club. It's a front for a swingers club. It's a front for hardcore drug use. It's literally a swingers club. Buying expensive coffee equipment to make fancy coffee. As silly as that is, I have a couple buddies who have done that. Like, Nick, guess what one of those would cost?

Okay, a coffee maker? And I've been told this isn't even a super fancy one. It seems fancy to me, but like cappuccinos maybe. I don't know exactly. I've never had a cup of coffee in my lifetime. My wife is a coffee drinker, and she does have a coffee machine, but I wouldn't even be able to guess. I'll say $75 for it.

$3,000. Oh, my God. Three grand. What? Yeah. To make you a cup of coffee? Exactly. But it's like going to Starbucks four times.

$3,000 for a cup of coffee. Yeah. And I don't even know how to speak the language. It'll make you a regular coffee. It'll make you a cappuccino. It'll dump different creams and sauces in there. No. No?

It just makes, I think it's, I don't know, cappuccino's probably the wrong. Espresso. Yeah, that's what it's called. Espresso me. Oh, my damn. The other people are saying, $1,000. Oh, come on. $2,500, $5,000.

I have to ask my wife. wife. What the hell? Did she go out and spend $3.2.25? Does it look like a microwave? No. Okay, then it's probably... No, it's about, it's really about this big. It's like this year. Yeah, probably not. Is it make like one cup at a time? I don't know. I don't watch

the truck. Sorry, like those little packets? Or that's the wrong way to put it. I've never watched it happen. I just see it on the counter. Jello pudding cup looking thing? Let me get through one more here. Again, Ren, we'll come back to this, but we're talking about things that folks in their 40s and 50s sometimes get involved in and whether or not we think it's

ridiculous or something that we might try. Oh, okay. I'm sorry we have to end on this note, but getting into baking, sourdough bread. Oh, Jesus. I thought we were past that whole scene. Oh, no. Actually, one of my buddies says, he's the coffee maker. He's in the sourdough thing. He's doubling up, huh? He's really broadening his horizons.

Some of these trends just great at me, and I apologize for blowing up. We've been talking about different little life changes that folks might make once they hit their 40s and their 50s. Things like quitting, drinking all together. Even if it's not a problem, you wipe alcohol out of your life because you want to live forever. And I'm making a certain hand motion right now, John. Do you see it? I recognize that. Something else we were talking about earlier.

Some folks like to exercise before work, which I find to be a sign of some deep mental issues. I don't know why you'd ever want to work out before you go to. or we're impressed some folks um we covered this already i'm just giving folks a recap some folks will say hey you know what wife and kids you know what husband and kids i'm out i don't want to do this anymore i'm 50 now i want to go have some real fun so they leave their family behind which sounds very exciting to me pickleball uh you get into the trendy things like coffee makers sourdough bread ice baths. Hang on, I've got one more in here that I can use

the voice for. CrossFit. Craft beer. I make my own beer. Okay. Is that still a thing? We talked before about how popular that was. Breweries are closing left and right around here lately. That's too bad. Motorcycle camping. What the hell is motorcycle camping?

I don't know. That sounds sweet, though. So we were talking about how expensive some of those espresso so machines are. A person text in and said they work on those, and some of them are between $5,000 and $30,000. I really should have done something with my life. I mean, you know what, hey, if you can afford it and that's your passion. Yeah, good for you. Cool, but I can't even imagine. Although I have, Nick and I were talking about this off air, I have always wanted one of those like pop guns, you know, like you'd see at a bar or a real vending machine. Do you have a Keggerator?

I'm going back to when I was 23. Yeah, you should get your own soda vending machine, Josh, because you love soda pop. I think it would be cool. I feel like Richie Rich. Putting those on the garage, that'd be awesome. The amount of money, though, for those coffee makers, that blew my eff in mind. People are spending $3,000, $5,000 for a friggin coffee maker? And I know if you go, it's expensive, right, if you go to a coffee shop.

I wonder how long that would take somebody who drinks coffee every day. If they get especially a special order of some sort. All right, here's a couple more on this kind of midlife crisis thing, different life changes, life changes that people make when they get into their 40s and 50s. Cubby knows something about this. The suddenly dedicated to tattooing themselves, head-toe person. Dude, my wife is going on over there. I don't know.

She's going through something. She can end up like, oh, sleeved out or something? She's close. But how does she go from nothing to now she's... She had a couple when I met her. But yeah, she's really into it. No shame for folks that are into it. But it's just...

Is she scary now when you see her? Is she scary? She's always been a little scary. If she's not eating, she gets hungry, and I don't want to be around her because she intimidates me. Now, this is the one that cracked me up. Does this sound like a total disaster or what? But it's something that some folks do when they get into their 40s,

maybe not in their 50s. You're probably too old when they get into their 50s. Having a panic baby because you assume it will save your marriage. Oh, my wife had one. That sounds terrifying. Who had a panic baby? My wife, when her first marriage, my daughterized jokes about it, that she was supposed to be the relationship saver.

Oh. They decided, well, let's have another one. This might kind of cement our relationship. Didn't work, and I understand because she sucks. Oh, did I say that out? Oh, no, Josh. Sorry, that was supposed to be a family seat. Do you want me to hit the dumb button?

No, no, she needs to hear it. How about this now? So there you go. I mean, there's all kinds of things you might find yourself involved in. Just keep that frigging sourdough bread in your coffee machine. away from me or I'll lose my temper. I like sourdough bread. Listen to this text message. I'm on an ellip-oh, because one of these little life changes might be to get involved in working out early in the morning before you even go off to your job. God help us. This listener says,

I'm on an elliptical at 3 o'clock in the morning every day. I jogged 10 miles by 7.30 in the morning. He counts his steps, 27,000 steps so far today that equates to about 12.5 miles. I do this every day, and I add in a half hour of weightlifting and 1500 crunches on Saturday and Sunday. I am 64 years old. Congratulations, dude. We hate you. Probably got abs and whatnot. Nope, That's impressive. I remember I had an ab once. Abbs. Just a single ab, but it was there.

I wonder how long it would take me if I had just a few a day or however many I could get through a day. I do the most I can do in one setting. One, what do they call that? Rep. What are we talking about? Crunches. How many crunches could you do? Yeah, if I just go until I can't go anymore every day, how long it would take me to get to $1,500?

And he's already done $1,500 or he does $1,500? I mean, you're. I bet it would take me. You have put on some weight. Weeks. But, again, you're still the type of guy that does high kicks in the studio. You can tie your shoes without. I'm trying to pump you guys up.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, so I wouldn't doubt that you could do crunches until the cows come home because you're still like a 15-year-old. I bet I couldn't get much past 20. I don't know, man. I'm still exhausted from seeing how fast you were speedwalking the other day around the studio. I had training for that. Don't be impressed.

All right, so pickleball, of course, was part of the counter. conversation. 40 and 50-year-olds get into pickleball. Here's a guy, Josh, he plays a little bit different kind of a game with your mother. It's called pick a ball. And then she picks whichever is your mother. Yeah, I know. There's a listener and your mother. Quite a few people texting in some horrible things about my mother. Pick a ball. Yeah, pick a ball. Sometimes it's tough to choose. Let's go. All right. The lucky ass husband, Hammer, Swingin' Jesus text to Luther Kia of Bloomington text line with a happy 10th anniversary shout out to his absolute missile of a wife swinging his hammer, Jesus, nois.

Shout out to Emma, aka. Butts on her last day of high school today from her proud pops. And congrats to all the other, quote, plebs at Blaine High School class of 2026, whose last day is tomorrow. The plebs. I love that term. From Wish I had more middle fingers for cancer, Jesus, as do I. This is a fitting text from Always, Lever.

late but worth the weight, Jesus. She sent a, as you can imagine, belated 47th. Happy birthday. Shout out to her ex-husband, Kyle. Happy 13th birthday to Miles, James. Your drive a Hyundai, but ride your dad, Cheezisus' favorite human ever. And congratulations to Triple D. Sheezus.

Today's her last day. After 35 years at Cargill, she's retiring. That's from your new Sugar Daddy QA, Jesus. Have a wonderful Thursday. 93-X. Air conditioning. The love of my life. Uh-oh.

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