93X Half-Assed Morning Show - We Got the Beaks

Episode Date: September 4, 2026

Originally Aired  September 4, 2026: Fainting vs passing out. It feels good, doesn't it? Everything you've ever wanted to know about Roger Up!  Listen & subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Amazon Music. For more, visit https://www.93x.com/half-assed-morning-show/Follow the Half-Assed Morning Show:Twitter/X: @93XHAMSFacebook: @93XHAMSInstagram: @93XHAMSEmail the show: [e-mail] See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, podcast friends, it's Dana here. I know you're excited for the show, so let's just get right down to Brass Tacks. I'm a smart club member of Standard Heating and Air Conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up, or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well.

Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93X to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. online at standardheeding.com. Enjoy the show. The 93x half-ass morning show. 90.3. Here we go. Here we F and go.

It's going to be a hell of a weekend. A hell of a weekend. Welcome everybody and all of you all to the F-off Friday edition of the 93X Half-Ass Morning Show. God dang it again here, Josh. What's that? Text messages right from the get-go.

even get started. Text messages from our listening audience saying all kinds of nice things like this year. Morning, panty sniffers. And Nick and Dana and Ashley. Now it's not so funny for Josh. All right. I already got back to him, called him a jerk wad. I know what he did

there. You called him a jerk wad? Sarcastically. Unbelievable. Here we are. At least you's got a panty sniffer though, right? Yeah, you got him. We're going to be busy this weekend. He probably is. We are going to be busy. It is a busy weekend.

As soon as we can can our responsibilities here at the radio station, once we're off the air at 9, we're going to head on over to the fairgrounds. By 10 a.m. we should be posted up at the merch booth, the 93X merch booth. Oh, she's going to be hotter than Dutch love out there, boys. I wonder if today's going to be slammed.

Just absolutely slammed. They had a couple of light days, And, you know, they're talking a lot about some three of the bigger school districts are all in school. Now, today they're off. As far as I know, everybody is. Oh, no. So I wonder if everybody's going to sneak it in today and tomorrow Sunday. Oh, see, now, I haven't followed this since we were part of last Saturday's crowd at the state fair.

And we all walked away thinking it must have been a world record and it was not. So I haven't followed this at all. You're saying the fair has had a couple of light days in there. Yeah. Damn, we should have picked one of those light days. Maybe not, but I just, I have a sneaking suspicion if the schools are off today, it's probably going to be slammed. Did we just kind of sound like a tampon ad there for a minute? Anyway, today, by 10 a.m., we should be all set up at the 93X merch booth.

If you're in the neighborhood, we'd love to meet you, and thank you for listening to this nonsense. Your mission today is simple. Buy something, get out. Those 93x T-shirts and brand new, first of its kind, half-ass morning show hats, and Hogbauer Automotive T-shirts, they are not going to buy themselves. That's where you come in. I've got a bit of a shopping list.

Do you? Yeah. Maybe I'll hold on to it in case they run out of shirts again. It might feel like a douchebag if I took a couple of shirts from somebody else. So I'd like to get a few things. You mean a grabbing list? You don't have to buy anything. Oh, I think you have to buy stuff.

I think we might get one for free, you know, which is, that's new. I mean, that started last year where we could finally get a shirt that said 93X on it for free. That's when I got my first 93X shirt. Last year? Yeah. You never bought him before? No. Oh, I bought them.

Yeah, I'm a sucker. Just walk in. Just walk in and grab some stuff. You know who I am? I'm Dana. Maybe the, maybe the, because it's new. people usually that works that booth. Oh yeah, you're right. 30 years, a guy can't grab a few t-shirts. God, I hate this place.

She's going to be hot. So be careful. What's it? So you said hot and humid? There's heat advisor that kicks in at 1 o'clock. Everything, Josh. Everything. Hot, humid. I didn't eat enough last time. And towards the end, I kind of thought I was going to pass out. I'd just sit down on that park bench. You didn't look good. No. I don't know what happened. It just snuck up on. me. It must have been just because I hadn't eaten anything. I mean, it's going to

be a little earlier. We'll be there 10 to noon. That's when we're on the clock at least. Later in the day is when it'll really be miserable, but it's going to be hot. So don't be nobody hurry their way. Don't be running. Take

your time. Don't say anything about my sweating either. I'm going to be sweaty. Well, you got like a sleeveless. Wait, you were wearing a sleeveless. Oh, yeah. It's just cold in here. She got a little coat thing over it. But yeah, being a tank top still, but my back, my back gets a little sweaty. No one's going to say a friggin' thing.

No, people are too polite for that. If I would have passed out last week, is that something I would have been able to live down? No. Yeah, probably not right? I mean, I'm the dude that passed out because he didn't eat enough at the fair. Nobody's ever not eating enough at the fair. I would be so scared if that happened in front of me. I don't know what I would do.

I'd be so scared for you. You just run in the other direction? Yeah. I think you'd be scared of how hard Nick was laughing. Like, oh, no, Nick's going to hurt himself. I'd be crying probably. I would be like, this is it. And you know what, Josh?

For the rest of time, I never would refer to it as passing out. I would refer to it as fainting. No, that's too delicate. I didn't faint. I passed out. You are a delicate little character. You don't pass out. Oh, you faint.

Yeah, and he was glistening his ass off out. He was so hot. You weren't sweating. You were glistening. Oh, heavens. If you would have, are you talking about, because we had a decent crowd last Saturday, people actually got in line. Which is silly.

We're embarrassed by that. But it happened. People actually waited in line. If you would have fainted right there in front of that crowd, dude, that would have been beautiful. And no, you never, ever would live that down. I had another thought. I don't know if I'm used to standing up that long with my sedentary lifestyle. Maybe that was part of it. I had some trouble. I did. You just sit down. My legs don't carry me the way they used to.

So I plan on being seated the duration of our responsibilities today. I do. Yeah, I was thrown off by the, when I showed up, you guys were there and you were standing behind the bench. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to sit on the bench. That seems really nice. You sat there kind of cool, too. You sat in a cooler way than most people. Like my arm up kind of on the back of the bench? Very relaxed. Well, it is kind of awkward when people are approaching you to meet you and they are standing, yet I am sitting.

That's awkward. And it is a touch disrespectful, in my opinion, to not stand up and greet someone like a grown person. That's why I stayed on my feet for the most. Yeah, I felt that way. But today, today I'm throwing all that into the trash can. I am going to need to be seated. I'm no kid anymore. Trash Daddy Jesus said when I faint,

he's also calling it faint, not pass out. I reach to my neck and clutch my pearls and go, oh, heavens on my way down. And there you go. He goes down. I mean, I don't know. This was a long time ago. We're not in junior high anymore,

but I still think it applies. I still think we would pick on you for that until the end of time. In junior high, we had one of these variety shows or whatever in the gym, you know. Talent show? Sure, whatever you want to call it. And there was one kid in my grade up on a platform running a camera.

One single camera was recording this entire variety show. and he actually had a little pair of headphones on and everything with a headset so we could communicate maybe with the one kid in the back of the room with the spotlight. You know, this was not a high-tech setup. I think there was one kid with a spotlight and one kid with a camera who were recording the variety show. And suddenly the kid with the camera, again, up on a platform like the grape lady. That went bad. Suddenly he fainted. He fainted behind the wheel of that camera.

and it was kind of like an old Scooby-Doo episode, Josh, because that headset kind of remained in place for a while, you know what I mean, and hovered in the air. After he fell down, the headset hovered for a while and then fell down with him. I'll tell you this much, we tortured him in the hallway every single day for that. We called him dropsy because he dropped. I used to have an issue with that. I used to faint, like, relatively often, I suppose.

I wasn't eating enough food for a while, and so that happened. But it would always happen like in the privacy of my own home or like, you know, when you get up from bed because then all the blood rushes to your head. But it happened one time when I was at work, when I worked at a sandwich shop, I fainted and I fell back and I smacked my head on the toaster oven. Oh no. But as soon as I like fell to the ground, it like woke me up. So I popped right back up. And the customers were like, do we need to call this? An ambuance?

No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm good. What else do you want on your sandwich? I do this. I do this all the time. All right. So I have epilepsy and a seizure condition, you know, epilepsy. And if I have a seizure, is it still fainting? Are you still going to make fun of me about that?

Absolutely. Still even with that. Yeah, there's nothing you can do about it. It's your character. For Pete's sake. That's just how you want that character. Look at you. That's how you're built.

I don't want that. Oh, for Pete's sake, he said. Oh, yeah, shoot, there's a bad start. Oh, shoot. That's a bad start. God, darn it, I can't do anything right. Well, now we're just repeating everything that... You know, watching somebody pass out or faint

can be a scary thing. Oh, definitely. And obviously, like we've been saying, it's going to be hotter than hell today. And heat stroke is no kidding matter. So really honestly, be careful if you're going to the fair today. But a number of years ago, girlfriend of mine

passed smooth out in the kitchen and it was for a second I thought maybe she was dead because she was wildly hungover we had we had really tuned ourselves up the night prior

the next morning I was pretty shaky myself you know but she just did not look good so I said you got to to get back in bed. Just, we got nothing to do today. Just go back to bed. So she did.

She slept for about an hour and then got back on her feet. And she was standing in the kitchen. And I just remember out of the corner of my eye, I saw just like a bowling pin. Straight back. And she, I'm talking Cubby, rang her noggin. Oh, poor gal. Off the magnolia. What do they call that on the floor?

Linolia. Linolium? Yeah. I thought I was expecting pools of blood. Yeah. Well, she didn't open up her head, but she rang it good. It took about, I'd say, I don't know, 45 seconds for her to come to. That's a long time in that situation.

I was thinking the worst. So she comes to, and she's kind of like, what happened? Why am I on the floor? And I said, you passed out, just stay there, don't move. I want to make sure you're doing all right. got her on her feet. And I thought, okay, I should call the police. I'm not a friggin' doctor.

She rang her head pretty good. I remember when Terry Train, when Terry Train was working here in the building years ago, she scared the hell out of me. I got my skull lit up bad at a beer league hockey tournament. Dude, me and a dude locked up. He DDTed me on the ice. And if you're a wrestling fan, you know what a DDT is.

Mm-hmm. or they just grab your head and drive it into the ground. But this is, dude, knock my helmet off. We're going to fight. He gets my head, gets me in a headlock, and he DDTs me on the ice. And I had a friggin knot on my head, the size of a volleyball. I come to work on Monday, and Terry Train says, Jesus, you're uglier than normal.

What the hell happened? I told her what had happened. I told her what had happened. And then Terry says, well, you know, a lot of times when you take a lick to the head like that, you can be fine for a few days and then you suddenly die. Wasn't that Liam Neeson's wife's fate? I don't remember. There's a name for it, not like walking death.

There's something similar to that. I don't remember. So Terry scared the hell out of me. I thought, okay, I took a good lick to the head. Sure, look at this knot on my head, but I feel fine. Then she tells me, yeah, that can happen. You can feel fine. And then four days later, you drop dead.

I was like, well, I appreciate that. That's great. You're going to die, dude. That's scary. She said that, but that's a thing. Right. I know she was telling the truth. That's what scared me so badly. So back to this girlfriend of mine. She rings her head off the kitchen floor. I get her on her feet. I decide, I better call the police. So I did. But I did play a little joke on her in that moment. I needed to lighten the mood. She said, so what happened? I said, well, you were just standing there. And next thing you know, you went straight back. You rang your head off the kitchen floor. And she says, well, how long was I out? And here's where I decided to F with her a little bit. I said, you were out about 10 minutes. Oh, no. And she says, 10 minutes.

And I said, yeah. Bro. I said, and, well, maybe I shouldn't tell you this. And she says, what? What? And I said, no, don't worry about it. It doesn't matter. I called the police.

They're going to send an ambulance. They're going to check on you. She said, well, no, you got to tell me. I said, well, it's embarrassing. But, you know, while you were out cold, you, your pants. And she goes, what? And I said, oh, yeah. I said, it's not a big deal.

I did. I did not. Tell me I did not. Focus, dude. I had to mess with her a little bit. I told her that she pooped her pants and I cleaned it up before she woke up. That is kind of fun. It makes you look like a good guy. And it does, yeah.

Middle school counselor, Lady Sheezis was 16, passed out during a funeral, came to when the funeral director was leaning over her. It freaked her out because she thought she was dead. Oh, yeah. I can see that too. The funeral director is getting me ready for my funeral. You wake up and you're looking into the eyes of the funeral. Yeah. So, yeah, in that moment, I called the cops and the paramedics and everything was fine.

But Josh, maybe you remember this part of the story was when I called 911. And if a female operator answered the phone and asked me what had happened, I told them what had happened. She passed out. and the operator on the other end of the line there with the 911 setup. She says, well, do you have any idea why this happened or how this happened? I said, well, she's really hung over. And the 911 operator said, laughed about it. I thought that was kind of cute.

Yeah, but I'll tell you, you took me back when you said linoleum. Our house growing up was all linoleum. It was very nostalgic thinking about that. And some of it was really ugly and ripped up. It was terrible. Oh, yeah, we had ugly. Was your house kind of the same? Oh, yeah.

Ugly, multicolored, awful. It was stained. Filthy. You know. And when I called it Magnolia, that's actually a callback to a funny story. One of my uncles told me years ago. Kind of like Josh's family, I've got a couple of cops in my family. And one of my uncles who was a cop went to the same.

scene of a shooting, domestic, I believe it was. And he was asking a witness who was in the house where this domestic took place. He was asking a witness, you know, when they fired the gun, you know, where did the bullets go? You know, because it didn't hit anybody. Someone shot at somebody. It didn't hit anybody. And my uncle, the cop, is asking a witness, you know, where did they fire the gun? And the guy says, well, the one, the first shot ricocheted off the Magnolia. And my uncle said, the what? And the guy said, the magnolia. My uncle said, I don't know when he says, the floor, you know, the magnolia.

My uncle goes, oh, the linoleum. And the guy goes, yeah, yeah, the linoleum. Yeah, that's it. I don't blame the guy at all, but I was on a bus. And somebody got on and asked the bus driver, hey, does this bus go to Xerox's Avenue? And all those are like Xerxes Avenue, Xerxes. But, yeah, that doesn't look like Xerxes at all. No, yeah.

If I never heard the word out loud, I wouldn't know. Maybe he's heard it and just thought, well, that can't be Xerxes. That starts with an X. But yeah, he called it X or Rex's Avenue. I like that better. Yeah, so now I call it X or X's Avenue quite often. So we've been, we got to talking about passing out or for a guy like Josh, fainted. No, it's passing out for me.

We were joking around. Well, Josh started the joke. He said he damn near passed out, fainted last Saturday at the fair because of the crowd in the heat and it's going to be even worse today we don't want anybody dropping out but you know the one time josh did i passed smooth out uh that was when they found out my lung had collapsed that'll do it and i was crossing a road not that it was a very busy road but still it was a road and that's when my lights went out and i just eight face first down into the middle of a road.

And my brother and my dad had to run out and pull me off of the road. But I remember waking up and my dad looked slightly concerned. My brother was laughing. That's how it goes. Thanks a lot, dickhead. That's when they found out, you know, okay, you've got something wrong with you. And the next day they realized that my lung had collapsed. I wasn't getting any of that oxygen cubby.

I went downskies. And I'd imagine your brother, a person. apologize and said that was insensitive. I didn't know how serious it was. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That's what he did, right? Uh-huh, uh-huh. So we're busy today. We'll see you at the fair, and we appreciate any interest in coming out to see us. It means quite a bit. And then tomorrow night, we're all going to gather at the new Mystic Lake amphitheater for our half-ass morning show Summer Bash, Creed in concert, don't you know? And you confirmed it, what everybody's been saying, what a nice venue that is. And some friends of mine live in Chakopi, and they said,

They've just gone to hang out. Like sometimes you can pay 15 bucks, maybe 30 bucks, and kind of sit on like a grassy area, right? Little Hill. I'm sure you saw it. Yes, I did. So they said it's just kind of something fun to do. Ashley, you've been there?

No, I haven't. Dana? No, I've been. Jane just going to Slayer tonight, I'd imagine. Oh, of course. I forgot Slayers in concert tonight. You know what that means, Cubby. What's that?

Someone's going to get their ass kick. Probably. And they're going to complain in cities far, far away. Have you seen some of those articles? About what? Like people in Eden Prairie and, and I'm trying to remember, was it even Golden Valley? Are saying, hey, it's too loud and it goes too late.

Oh, really? So they might have to kind of bring it back to 10. Right now it sounds like they can go to 11. Oh, P, yeah. I thought you're talking about on the amplifiers. Oh, yeah. I thought you were doing a spinal tap, Joe. A spinal tap bit?

Yeah, it's the same thing. They've got to crank it back to 10. It's too loud. So you're saying already now they've had to move up? Well, they're considering it. They're because there's other cities are complaining like, hey, we'd love to hear some Slayer, you know, a few miles away, but maybe not after 10 p.m. Huh. I always thought that was a rule. I thought 10 p.m. was just how they did it.

I don't know. I guess not. Slayer is loud. Oh, I'll bet. Dude. I haven't seen them live, but I've heard that. People say it's like the loudest band they've ever seen. They are very loud. And proud they are. Yeah. I almost lost. I almost forgot that completely. Slayer in concert tonight. They'll part your hair for you. Oh, I'll bet. Local 34 Jesus is going to see Sether and Stained at the

amphitheater and can't wait. Nice. Yeah, that's a big draw for me tomorrow. It's just to check that place out. You guys are going to love it. I was there once, and I just thought it was beautiful. And the best element to it all, in my opinion,

is just it is spread so wide. There is so much room to move around. and you will never have to wait to take a piss ever. My Aunt Wendy works there. She kind of puts together like a buffet line or whatever it is for the artist backstage. Yeah. And she has nothing but incredible things to say about it.

She's at every single inch of this place is phenomenal. This is the first time I've ever heard you mention Aunt Wendy. Oh, I guess I don't talk about her much. It's on my mom's side too. I've got to be honest with you. She sounds kind of sexy. She is. She's gorgeous.

Right, Josh? Aunt Wendy? Yeah, I'm picturing her naked. I'm sure she would appreciate that. She loves the place. Yeah, she loves working there. It's awesome. So we'll have to find her and say hi to her. If Aunt Wendy falls out, does she faint or pass out?

She faints. She faints. Very delicately. Just like Josh does. I don't faint. He faints. Fainter. If you guys make fun of me 10 or 15 more times,

I'm out of here. Here. Oh, where... Oh, dude. Out for a rip, Jesus is going to the amphitheater tonight for Slayer. And tomorrow night for Creed. Oh, I bet the crowds are very different between those two shows. I hope you live close.

More anxiety than Here Jesus says, have you seen Creed live before? I have not. Actually, I haven't seen any of the bands performing tomorrow. It'll be my first time for Creed. Yeah, same here. Have you seen POD Candlebox or Tim Montana? Candlebox. Oh, you have?

I've seen Tim Montana. Many years ago. I hear he puts on a great show. I have a friend that's going just for Tim Montana. Absolutely. Many years ago, Candlebox, Josh. It was when they were still riding that single. Yeah, those guys were pretty big for a little bit.

They were riding that friggin single when they talk about the far behind. We play that one. They're going to dedicate that one to Aunt Wendy, I bet tonight. I bet she gets to meet bands all the time. It's so cool. Who's your favorite? I don't know. She's kind of, that would be hard.

It would probably be based off of, yeah, just like their personality, nothing to do with their music. Because I think she's more of like a Motown type of girl. Classically. Yeah, my wife's like, oh, yeah. Ooh, wah. My wife can't go tomorrow night. She was going to go to Creed, but she's going to TLC. And who else is there?

Salt and PEPA and Vogue. Oh, my gosh, I'm so jealous. And that's happening at the Minnesota. Yeah, at the same time at the fair. Your wife will be at that review Saturday night instead of the half-ass morning show. She's not going to support the show. She's going to go to TLC's fault, salt and both. Salt and pepper.

I'll be damned. Foshae Maintenance Ninja. Thanks, homie. He says, I don't faint. I don't even pass out. He says that I die a hero's death. Oh. And he said, because you're a man.

Now let's go get some Appletinis in a manicure, bro. Hell you. That's right. That's what men do. Appletinis, you're yummy. They're so good. Hey, I feel bad about saying that about your aunt. You called her Wendy, by the way. Can you ask her to picture me naked just to kind of even the playing field there?

I feel bad about it. Who says she hasn't already? For sure. I guarantee you she hasn't already. I'll call her right now. You will, thank you. Nobody's pictured that. Send her pick of Josh.

And it's like, if you don't mind. It's only fair. Yeah, if you're free this morning. If you got nothing going on. Do you think she'll hook us up with like a Hawaiian roll or something? If she's putting that food out tomorrow now? Oh, definitely. She said to hit her up if we want to tour the backstage area or anything like that.

Oh, I'd be honored. Old Aunt Wendy and her Motown music doing her thing backstage at Mystic Lake Amphitheater. She's the cutest. Ask her if the water's warm enough. What band? 651-9-9-9-9-3-93 Josh, you should know that one. If the water's warm or not?

If these are lyrics, I can't help you. That's right. Yeah. 651-9-9-9-93-93, if you have the answer. Hey, later on this morning, we need to take a break here. I want to give you a heads up. Later on this morning, we're excited for, I believe, our second conversation live on the radio

with a fella by the name of Zach Johnson, who is the founder and CEO of a group called Roger Up. Roger Up does all kinds of wonderful things for veterans and first responders who are struggling with mental health. The first time we had Zach on the show, we got an incredible response, and he deserved that incredible response because he is a great guest, a great conversation.

How do I say that, Jeff? Conversationalist. I just kind of knocked myself down a peg in that category because I couldn't say conversationalist. It is ironic. He is great on the mic and has, he and his group, Roger Up, have so many wonderful outlets for veterans and first responders, everything from, you know, a service dog program to activities

and mental health assistance. I mean, if you didn't hear Zach the first time around, don't miss him today around 8.30 because he and Roger U. are just a really, really special group, and we love supporting them. So that'll be around 830, Zach Johnson. Dude knocks it out of the park. You're not really moving. On the mic, off the mic, he knocks it out of the park.

Everything those folks do, I think, is just wonderful. You're not overselling that at all. And they keep improving and improving and improving. We posted their website on 93X.com, and we probably couldn't even cover everything they do. And all the angles they've thought of, it's enlightening. You know, just to know that there's some of these issues that need to be helped and just everything they do creatively

to try and help folks in a tough spot. Enlightening, great word for their operation. Prince in the Revolution from the Purple Rain record, Josh. Oh, yeah. Wendy? Yes, Lisa. Is the water warm enough? Yes, Lisa.

Shall we begin? Yes, Lisa. What song was that? Computer Blue. We'll be right back on the Half Fast Morning Show. The 93X has. Fast Morning Show. Hey, podcast friends.

It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune up

before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use a code 93x to save. Standard heating and air conditioning, providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standard heating. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help.

Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-L-K-E-L-E-Law.com. That's B-I-A-L-L-K-E-L-L-L-L-L-E-L-L-L-E. And it spells relief for you. Stupid news on the half-assed morning show.

Sometimes I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes I don't even know where to begin, because like we were talking earlier, Cubby, lots going on skis this weekend, starting today with our state fair appearance from 10 to noon. Come on out if you can. For Christ's sake, come on out and say hello. We'll be hanging out at the 93X merchandise booth, buy something, get out.

It's going to be hot. Then what? Slayer and Comcast. concert tonight at the Mystic Lake Amphitheater. Half-ass warning show Summer Bash. Starring Creed tomorrow night at the Mystic Lake Amphitheater. So far, I think I'm on track. I think I got everything straightened out.

Don't you think there should be a day in between Slayer and any other artists? They rock too hard to have somebody the next night. Dude. Let the place settle a little bit. Yeah, maybe come in with some sage or something. You've got to cleanse it. It's too heavy. Get a couple power washers in there.

Just be safe. Josh was telling us that Sultan Peppa with EnVogue and TLC are performing tomorrow night at the State Fair Grandstand there's just lots and lots and lots going on this weekend. I think that's going to be good for me. You know who was a total missile?

Who's that? Spinderella. Oh, yeah. From the Sultan Peppa outfit. I'm with you on now. Spinderella was a missile. It's going to be good for you. You think because your wife is going to the concert tonight, She's going to get all the caught and bothered? Yes, 100%.

I think that's exactly what's going to happen. Oh, she goes and watches these hip-hop groups and comes home horny? Oh, yeah, I think so. I don't know. You know, she's... Close your eyes. You can pretend she's Spinderella. Now that I'm thinking about it, she's...

Maybe it's not going to work anymore. You know, 10, 15, 20 years ago, that would work. Well, yeah, she's no kid. Yeah, she's probably not going to get her up. Didn't she a good decade older than you or something like that? She's 25 years older than I am. Looks more like 40 years older. Here's a texter.

Thank you for your text messages, as always. 651-989-933, Luther Bloomington, Kia, and Hogbauer Automotive always bring you the text machine. Listen to this. A listener says, I should go to Slayer tonight.

I really should. He says, I got kicked in the face in the pit. when I saw Slayer in the year of 2000-aught-2. It still kind of hurts. He says, so I think I need the other side of my face kicked in to kind of even things out. That's smart. Like in cartoons, you get kicked in the head by a donkey, and you start speaking Spanish, and you just need you get kicked again and to go right back to normal.

That is how it works in the cartoons, isn't it? I'll tell you what, I was in a pit once, and it was horrible. I didn't know there was such a thing as a pit. Nobody warned me. Josh, you're not pit material. No, I found that up. Didn't you get in the pit to try to love someone? Nope.

I just totally came off like one of our old bosses there, didn't I? Pretty much. Dropping a song quote into a conversation. That is the first time I went to second base. It was by accident. That was just trying to paw my way out of that pit. It was like basically a panic. What band?

Pearl Jam. You went into the pit. Yeah, Alive just came out. And it was big song, huge song. Guys were sad days. And it's also my first time at First Avenue. A buddy of mine had tickets he couldn't go. And so he sold me a ticket.

And I went with some of my friends. We got right up front. And I thought, wow, this is great. I can't believe we're up here. Nothing can go wrong. And then the pit started and I thought I was going to die. And that was a Pearl Jam pit. I can't imagine a Slayer pit.

Yeah. So dude got his head kicked in at a Slayer show. 24 years ago, he's going to try to do it again. All right, back to our appearance at the state fair today from 10 to noon. I received a text message from poo-poo and pee-pee Jesus. Listen to this, he says, good morning. Hello. I am parked front row at the state fair right now.

Front row state fair parking. That's awesome. I have terrible anxiety. in traffic. So I got here. Early A. F. How do you say that? Early A.F? Yes.

Just to say hi to you guys and sweaty, sweaty Ashley. I never thought of that being a possibility for the fair. Like you can just show up and park and wait early. I never once thought of doing that. That's so smart because I also get very anxious in traffic. It's very early, though. Does this a fair open at 6? Is that one it usually is?

I believe so, but I'm not 100% sure. He says, hurry the show up. Dude's already there. He's already parked in the front row. Anxiety in traffic. That sounds miserable. A lot of people have it. Especially like that level of traffic.

Oh my gosh. Like it's, I don't know, I get so weird. You might get a nickel off your t-shirt purchase for that kind of effort. Fair opens at 7. Oh, wow. So he's been sitting there. Hey, you just, you know, park your car, take a nap. That'd be nice.

That's impressive and kind of concerning at the same time, poo-poo and pee-pee, Jesus. And as I've mentioned before, I love it when folks text in early, early, early, just to say hello and wish us a good morning. And our listeners find creative ways to do that every day. This year is Ghost Writer Jesus. He's checking in from the lake today.

Awesome. Day two of a five-day weekend, but he greeted us by saying, bonjour ballbags. I like that combo. Question. Yes. What does, oh, I already lost it. There's a text slang Ashley sent me yesterday,

and I didn't want to seem uncool, so I didn't ask her what it meant. At the very end, when you said AF, Nick, it reminded me. I almost didn't know how to say it. RFK or something, is that right F and now? Oh. Well, now would it be spelled with an N. Oh, yeah, it would, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Well, what about the silent N and no? Was that right F and no? I'm not sure what's happening, to be honest with you. That's what I'm asking. Yes. So someone sent you a text with RFK in it and you're not sure what it means? Yes.

Yeah, I don't know. What does it mean, Ash? No, you're right. Yeah. I'm just coming around to the, I'm just coming around to the AF gimmick. It tripped me up. So it's right effing no. Yeah.

Okay. There's, what is it? It's right. It was RFK. Yes. Okay, I wanted to seem cool so I didn't ask yesterday. No, you're good. Now after the AF, I'm thinking I better find out what that is, so I don't use it incorrectly.

Yeah, no, you're good. And by the way, I can teach you. By the way, I looked her up on the internet. Spinderella is still hot. Oh, is she? Yeah, you know, usually if you're that hot, you're probably going to stick around in that neck of the woods. Friggin' Spinderella is still hot.

All right, today's stupid news report. This one is for you, poor, poor, twisted public masturbators. Yes. Your type of miserable, disgusting live entertainment is all too common here in the States. Although I got to say this. None of this. None of this.

That makes no sense. I have to say this to the public masturbators. None of us in this room right now can deny your sizable contribution to morning radio show material. Hell, this radio talk show has been on the air for 27 some years. I bet in those 27 years, we've averaged, I don't know, three or four public. Jagoff stories a week. Someone else can do the arithmetic on that, but by God, that's a hell of a lot of crooked,

little hairy public peckers being played with, more than I can count. So you're disgusting and you're wrong, but we can't deny your contribution to what we do for a living. This is almost setting up like one of those old Budweiser real men of genius ads, isn't it? Here's to you, public masturbators.

I miss those. This tugs for you. Remember the old... Did I get the gimmick right, the old real men of genius? We made some fake ones for a while. I remember one back in the day. Here's to you, dude who invented the footlong hot dog. Yeah, those were great.

I mean, the announcer was so great. What a good marketing strategy. It was. That worked. So again, this one's for you public masturbators. Sad, gross, and usually overly hairy public masturbation. Has forever, also, on a side note, it's forever been a male-dominated field or craft. It's encouraging that every now and again a lady steps up and says,

move aside, boys. We ladies can rub one out in public just as furiously as you can. A 31-year-old gal down there in the completely off-putting far southeastern United States, She left all of her clothing behind, and she stepped out into the streets so everyone in town could see her skill set when it comes to manipulating and stimulating her vulva. You know, I've caught men masturbate three in my life. Why never a woman? Is it just because I don't have any good luck? I don't know.

We're low key about that? Yeah, luck might play a small role. rolling it, Josh, but it's just, it's a male-dominated field. It's a male-dominated skill set or craft. Women just... Yeah, women can control themselves, too, for like the most part, so we don't need to just, you know, do it at work where somebody can catch us. Right. In 2026, women should be allowed to publicly masturbate as much as men. They are. They are. Again, this is a, this is an example of how every once in a while a lady will step up and say, two can play this game. Do you think generation, from now, she'll be the one that started it.

You know, I don't want to name any, I don't want to name any real people to seem disrespectful, but, you know, somebody who started a movement. Well, it could be this gal I'm about ready to tell you about her. That's what I'm wondering. Could it be her. Could be. She goes by the name of Alia. And she's tough, by God.

She is. For her public jill off, Alia laid down on her back on a wood pallet. I don't care who you are. If you're able to get comfortable on a damn wood pallet, you're built different. It was broad daylight, right on the damn sidewalk, directly across the street from a construction site, which probably explains why there were pallets laying about.

New gal on the construction crew was in the corner, puking her guts out. Alia just laid down, ass naked, on that wood pallet, and tore things loose. If you guys want to try it, I do have a wood palate. If anybody thinks, boy, I could probably do something like that. I don't think I'm tough enough. Yeah, I couldn't do it. Aaliyah didn't get to enjoy yourself for too long.

The luckiest cops in town spotted her and stopped by to talk to her. And they asked Alia, they said, more or less, what the hell's wrong with you? What's the story with the road? side rub out. And poor Elyas said that she was just trying to feel good. Well, I think it's been known to do that. It reminds me of that

old... Is it too creepy to play that public service announcement about masturbating? I don't recall. Yeah, I don't remember. Where the mom catches her son. Do you remember that? This was one of the creepiest videos we have ever found online. Concerning,

concerning, I think might be the word, this was a legitimate video. Supposedly so, yeah. Was it used in schools? Like during sex ads or something? That's the way it was presented to us. And mom basically says she masturbates in it. Yeah, so

this was legitimately used in sex ed classes or something to teach children not to be ashamed of masturbation. You've got to be appropriate with it in privacy of your own home. It's this, the audio is always going to be creepy. I don't care if it's really creepy. I don't care if it's 1996 or 2026. But in the video, they show a young dude laying in his bed and the sheets are going up and down. And mom walks in and well, you'll hear it right here.

Again, this was legitimately to teach kids not to be ashamed of whacking off. Ricky, I did see what you were doing. It felt good, didn't it? It's all right. We all have feelings like this sometimes. I'm just glad you're doing this in the privacy of your own room. When you're a little bit older, we'll have to talk more about these feelings and what causes them and how we can control these feelings.

I'll be sure to knock next time, okay? This manner of response frees the child of guilt and assures him he is normal. Okay, do you think that when Frankie got a little bit older, he stepped up to mom and said, okay, I'm ready to talk further about masturbation? Yeah. Hey, Mom, I'm going to take you up on that offer, by the way. It's been a couple of years. The privacy of his own room.

So good. Dude, I love that so much. Masturbation's awesome. Trust me. I know all about that, but you got to make sure you're in the privacy of your own room. Feels good, doesn't it, she said. She knows. Yeah, that was a real thing.

Weirdo. The privacy of his own room. That was the key to it all. That was the most valuable thing that mom said. It's good advice. You do it in the privacy of your own room. Don't lay on a pallet at a construction site. Like I said, this radio talk shows been on the air for 27 years.

I bet in those 27 years we've averaged three or four public jagoff stories a week. If some of those people wouldn't know, if some of those people would have gotten the same talk that little Frankie did right there, maybe they don't end up on the sidewalk with their D in hand. Chemical Jesus, yes, I agree. That feels good, doesn't it, is the creepiest part. part of the bit by far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom didn't need to say that.

No. I think mom did all right. She did all right. Mom shouldn't even be the one having that conversation. You know what that was you? She had to. She walked in and saw him. She had to say something.

No, I'd walk right out. I'd be like your dad will be home later. That's a him problem. I don't have one of those. I think, you know, if she wanted me never to masturbate again, that would be the good speech to give. Yeah? Just crosses your mind every single time you give it a shot.

Oh, yeah. I'm done. Oh, yeah. Never be able to do. that again. I'm going to pay your mother, Josh, $100. I'm going to let some time go by. What do they call it in the business, Josh? The long game. The long game, yeah. I'm going to wait a couple years. I'm going to pay your mother $100 to walk up on you out of nowhere and just look in your eyes and say, it feels good, doesn't it? How long is this going to take? If I told you, that would ruin the bit.

Okay, because I could cut her break lines by today. Within a couple of days, I won't have to worry about this anymore. She'll play along. She digs me. So back to this, Alia, Alia, whatever her name is, the gal who was carving one out on the sidewalk, ass naked, laying on a wood pallet. Again, she told the cops, she was just trying to feel good. And, you know, I was ready to show some sympathy for Alia and her.

lonely old cooter until I read that when Aaliyah isn't openly shaking out the curtains there on the sidewalk she's a real piece of garbage she's got a track record that includes

attacking police officers and stealing from folks so at first I wanted to feel bad for Aaliyah no I don't feel bad for her anymore it can't be attacking police officers All right. Simon says he thinks Frankie right now is leading a masturbation cult somewhere. Yeah.

He's wearing his mother's underwear over his face. He's part of an evil masturbation cult. Probably. And it's not his fault. And their motto is, it feels good, doesn't it? Oh, my God. It's so disturbing. It is disturbing.

The other thing she should have said is, hey, lock your door there, pal. If that's going to happen, lock the door. Knock, mom. Well, that's... She admitted she didn't knock. Yep. Boy, you just want to go after this lady. She did all right in that situation.

Somebody had texted it and said she sounds like she sucks at masturbating. I'll agree with that. She doesn't sound like a hell of a lot of fun. It's like too technical or too thoughtful her masturbating. Is that what you mean? Oh, I'm not sure what I mean by that. She just sounds kind of boring. I bet you Frankie in this masturbation cult,

I bet you before he touches himself with his fellow, with his followers, right? He pulls on a mask of his mother's face. Yes. 100%. Otherwise, it's not going to work. And everyone else wears a mom mask, too. Their own mother's mask? No, his mother's.

Oh, his mother. It's that messed up. She is who they worship. Yeah. They have a giant statue of her in a corner somewhere, and they worship her. Her hands down her pants. She promised she'd knock next time. Yes.

Okay. And then there's this kind of thing going on, too. One more here for the public masturbators. My dedication isn't quite over with just yet. A much more traditional open-air whack-off story here, because it involves a dude. And again, the source of the story is the far southeastern. Yeah, these are a dime a dozen here.

It's a dude whacking off in a park. Be different. Masturbate somewhere else. Be more creative. If you're going to do it, I mean, I suppose. Like in a food truck or something. If you're totally insane and you're going to do it, Ashley would like you to mix up the location a little bit.

Josh suggests a food truck? First thing that came to mind. Okay. Sorry, I didn't have breakfast. Are you hungry? Whackbag Nathan is what I'm going to call this idiot. Wackbag Nathan. Five o'clock in the Godforsaken a.m.

Did I mention he was whacking his bag at a park? Yes, I did. He did, yes. Five o'clock in the Godforsaken a.m. A few people at that park I was telling you about. They saw that whack bag, Nathan was pulling on his little acorn. A very brave citizen walked up and said, Stow that.

Some bitch. Put that away, son. Balsy. Yeah. He said, uh, you know, tell those knuckle children that they aren't going anywhere this time. You're going to jail. A brave citizen approached Wackbag Nathan and more or less said that to him. Now, WackBag Nathan surprised everyone.

everyone at the park because he didn't take to run in away. He apologized for bopping his bologna and agreed to hang around until the cops arrived. That would throw me. When the local cops rolled up, Wackbag Nathan admitted that yes. Yes, he said. I was in fact on a date with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters. he said. But it's not a big deal.

This isn't something you police officers should be concerned about. He said, this is how I make my living. I was recording a video for my only fans page. Still got to worry. We still don't want you doing this in the park, sir. Something tells me that whack bag Nathan was telling the truth. Probably. Yeah, and that's why he hung out or else he would have been out of there.

Right, but it can't be sure. But, yeah, right. He hung around. He agreed to talk to the police. He maybe was so friggin' dumb that he thought that was a valid excuse. Like, no, no, no. Just a working, man. Only fans.

I'm working right now. I don't come and disturb you when you're working. But he's got like three followers on there or subscribers or whatever. So something tells me he was telling the truth. But whack bag, Nathan was immediately maced and then tased and taken to the nearest jailhouse. I mean, that's a thing, right? Public stuff. Maybe there is a market for that on only fans.

But I do like that it kind of seemed like he thought that'd be a legitimate excuse. And the cops would say, gosh, you know, we're so embarrassed. I can't believe we got in the way of commerce here. What if that was... I mean, there's some people that make money doing stuff like that, right? I mean, some serious cash. Probably not Nathan here. Probably not.

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. What does he look like? Did girls like watching that kind of thing? I don't. It doesn't seem like something girls would be really into. I would prefer, unless it's straight from, like, my husband, unless he sends me a video, then I'm all about that. But otherwise, I don't want to see penis in any porn.

Just no penis, please. Cubby, there's all types out there. If you want to find a woman to watch you do that, you can do it. I bet by noon today. I doubt it. I don't think my wife. would even want to see that. I know what girl.

We're not talking about your wife. You asked if there's anyone who's interested in watching that, and I'm telling you, yes. I think she's the only one interested in. She's just barely. Oh, she's not the only one. Just a tiny, tiny bit. You know what?

I wasn't considering and thinking that it could be like a lot of dudes subscribing. By noon. I know a woman who, and I never thought that this would happen in my life, but I know her, she's like obsessed with the jewels. Oh. That's her thing. Testicles?

Like absolutely obsessed. Okay, that's got to be an anomaly. Yeah. I have never heard a girl go, you know how I like nuts. I thought she was kidnapped first, dude. No, she's just got a thing for him. I'm like, where does this come from? It's nice to hear.

You know what? It does kind of put a pep in my stuff. Tell her that we said thanks. Yeah, because like I said a few days ago, almost nobody can make a set of balls look good. No. So tell her we said, thank you. That's...

I'll thank her for her service. I was going to say nothing. That is crazy. I've never, never once heard a girl, even say, oh, they're fine. I've never even heard that. It's always a negative thing. The things she says about them is foul. I can't even repeat it.

I'd love to have you clean it up a little bit. Help her monkey Jesus says, I don't even like my own balls. Nobody likes their own balls. Yeah, they're stupid. All right, the naked and totally unhinged violent people. who live amongst us. Too many of them. Are in a completely different category,

at least for me personally. You know, I paid tribute to the public masturbators with our first two stories. Don't think of this as a tribute because now we've moved on to the naked, totally unhinged, violent crowd. I'm still not sure what to make of those folks. Usually, we all know this to be.

be true. Eight or nine times out of ten. Usually it's the crack rocks or the meth rocks at work when a naked and totally unhinged violent person falls into play. Maine, by God, we found our way to Maine. Usually a pretty well-behaved crowd out that way. I don't think of them as the type to straw. What do they do over there, Josh? They live in lighthouses. They wear a lot of plaid. They ride a moose to work. They eat lobster for every meal. Lobster. They live in lighthouse. Speaking of lighthouses,

a naked dude danced his way on up to a lighthouse the other day. And I'm not kidding. The dude was a damn dancing machine. He's naked. He's dancing. He walks up on a lighthouse out of nowhere's. And he gave that lighthouse the beating of a lifetime with a golf club.

I have very few answers on this guy. Like, say, if you were curious as to why he was naked, I don't know. What song? was he dancing to? I don't know. What did the lighthouse do to him to prompt that terrible golf club beating? I also don't know.

What I do know is that the police put the irons on him and took him to the nervous hospital. Seems like that's where he should go. If somebody look over him a little bit. Well, this is nice. Text from a listener named Nikki, and she says, I mean, I don't mind the jewels. I don't necessarily think they're gross,

but I do give them the attention they deserve, you know. Of course. You can't ignore them. No, you can't. I mean, I get why you'd want to, but it's pretty cool when you don't. A lot of times they end up swinging, you know, and they'll hit you. And then it's like, okay, I got to. Like an out-of-control tire swing.

Yeah, you got to acknowledge them, at least a little bit. Exactly. Let's address the elephant in the room. Those two guys right there. Got to make sure you recognize the nut. And then I think we can wrap her up with this one. For Christ's sake. Right when I think I've escaped their nonsense for the rest of the day,

now we're right back in the Godforsaken Southeastern. Come on, man. And this is everything that has made that part of the country infamous. It's violent, it's senseless, it's disturbing. I'll just go ahead with this. A deranged idiot, he was arrested for grabbing up a metal pipe and smashing the balls off of an Arby's restaurant. So he's going to go right back to jail.

And this Arby's delirium comes less than a month after dude just got out of prison for killing a what? Let's play the guessing game, Ashley and Dana. Scared. It's time for the guessing game. So this guy took a metal pipe. He beat the piss out of his neighborhood, Arby's restaurant. He's got to go right back to jail. He just got out the joint a month ago for killing a what?

Donkey? It's not. Okay, donkey is Ashley's guest. Dana. I'm really afraid it's an animal. Oh, it's got to be an animal. It can't be a person. That wouldn't be interesting. We want to make the stupid news. Bald Eagle. Oh.

Dana's the closest. Because the answer is of an avian variety. He killed a swan. Yeah, they don't play about that. Do you want to know why he killed the swan? Because he was hungry. Obis, we have the beaks.

What was it, the what? The beaks. The beaks. The beaks. We have the beaks. Dude. You know, swan's majestic, but I got to say I get a little jealous of the swan. You guys are familiar with the ugly ducking.

Duckling, excuse me, that played ugly duck. I don't recall. Yes, yep. I don't recall. I have that both. There's a, do you really? Yep. All right, so yeah, everybody thinks, that's really one ugly duckling right there.

but he grows up to be a beautiful swan. And I was in that play. Would you like to guess which part I had? You, son of a bick. Right. I didn't get the swan. I was the ugly duckling in that play. Dude, that's messed up, actually. They had chew you that as a child.

But you didn't walk out as you. You walked out wearing a duck outfit or something, right? I don't fully remember. I mean, if you walked out as your normal self and everyone went, oh, gross, the ugly duckling, that could be traumatic. You must have been wearing a suit or something. I'm sure I had some feathers on or something. Still.

Oh my gosh. I forgot about that. Everyone's again, you tell a story, Josh. I'm like, oh, that really makes sense, actually, looking back now. Having to go out there to the kid is the ugly duckling. Yeah, I was the ugly duckling. That will impact a person. Well, you weren't the best-looking kid.

This nutbag goes by the name of Adonis. He spent just under a year in the Stony Lonesome for killing that swan I was telling you about. And after he killed it dead, he was seen carrying it around town. When he murdered the swan, a witness ran up on Adonis and said, what the F is wrong with you? He told that person to back off. This swan is my food. Like a dog protecting their kill. And he said, quote, I was hungry.

So I hunted. I mean, that's... Nobody's going to be impressed when you take out a swan. No, swans are easy target. All these. We have the beaks. You can't. I love that way too much. Can you send that to me? I just want that.

Sure, you got it. Making your text message tone. Yes. And like I was telling you, now he's got to go back into the cooler for trying to destroy his neighborhood Arby's with a metal pipe. Folks ran for their lives. After he killed the Arby's, he went next door and took to tuning up a Dunkin' Donuts with that metal pipe. And then a bank.

And then he threw the pipe at some passing cars. Just forget it. This is a funny text. Back to the Ugly Duckling. Is that what it's called? It sounds right. Yes. I love how the moral the story is.

It's okay to be ugly as long as you grow up to be hot later. That's pretty much the moral. Sports. On the 93 eggs half-assed morning show. Nick, Ashley, Dana, ugly. Here live on the Half-Ass Morning Show. Josh was telling us a few minutes. ago, you had an acting role as a kid in the story of the ugly duckling that becomes a beautiful

swan and F me running, it still kind of bothers you that you were cast in the role of the ugly duckling. Well, I can't say it bothers me, but, you know, when we were talking about the swan, I just forgot all about that. And it was, you know, the whole class had to be in the play. And it wasn't like they dressed me up as the ugly duckling with ugly makeup. And all of a sudden, and I'm just the regular guy swan or whatever. They cast a completely different, much better-looking kid. Right. Had they maybe morphed you into that beautiful swan,

you could have walked away feeling good about the bit. Was that your only acting role as a child? I'd like to hear more about your career on the stage. We did a few plays. Did you get to play any other tragic characters? I mean, technically he was the lead role. Well, the ugly duckling. The swan took all the started.

It's in the title. I mean, that. Yeah. Any other acting roles? We were in a few, right? Did you guys do that too? Like, you had a little plays. Not once.

Yes. Yes, I absolutely loved it. Same here. Not a one. Never had one play. Smokey the bear. So, yeah, you weren't a few. Ashley, yeah, I know we did a few of them.

And then certainly you guys did the concerts, right? Yes. I'm sorry? You did some of the concerts? Concerts? Where you perform like Christmas songs in front of your family? Never once. One time we did.

Did you just not show up? Yeah. I thought were you. did this kind of thing. They did. No, I mean, we had a band. I wasn't in the you mean like a marching band, you perform Christmas songs. Like you're like a first grade or kindergarten or something like that

where you all get up and sing like a choir. We had a choir. I do remember singing but I never sat down with a band. There was a special group of kids for that. We never had any acting or anything like that. No, no. I'm surprised you didn't do any plays. None of it. One year we did jingles. It was so sweet. Jingles, that'd be awesome. Oh,

it was incredible. It was incredible. That's when I tried to do, I told you guys, I tried out for a solo, and I tried out. It was like the Hershey's commercial. And I don't know, somebody told me to like make my voice a little bit deeper for it. So I did. And I was like way too deep. I was like, H-E-R-S-H. Good Lord.

There was too much base in your delivery. Yeah. The one girl who I thought was my friend was, she was like, wow, you're tone. deaf. So we got off track. Did you name any of the other characters you played? I can't really remember. I mean, that one obviously stands out because it was embarrassing. There's a few of them. Maybe my mom would remember. I mean, there's no pictures. It's just like we never took pictures of anything. All right. That's fun though. Fun to learn about your role as the ugly duckling. I'd never heard that story before. Never once. All right. In the season opener

last night right here in Dinky Town, Golden Go for football, as predicted, totally curb stomped eastern Illinois by a ridiculous final final of 59 to 7. The twins start a series on the south side of Chicago this weekend against the White Sox, a very important series, but so is every friggin game they've played in the last couple of weeks because they're hanging by a friggin' pub right now in the American League wildcard playoffs. Randy Shaver, Brad Ryder, checking in a half hour with us. As a matter of fact, speaking of our appearance, we talked earlier about our appearance at the state fair today from 10 to noon. Brad Ryder, I believe, will be calling from the fair. Cool. He's out there

with his family. I hope he doesn't like walk up to any farmer and tell him how it should be done. Oh, no. I could kind of see him doing that. You know what I'd do in this situation there, buddy. Here's what you're doing wrong. Cubby's news is coming up next. The 93X

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September 30th and use a code 93x to save. Standard heating and air conditioning providing the comfort you deserve since 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer. Dave Bialki. He's got over 30 years experience and getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bialki Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bialki-Law.com.

That's B-I-A-L-K-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. 93X half-assed morning show. Isn't that a religious show? With all the Jesus and Jesus talk? Oh, hell no. Just kidding. They suck.

I understand that, you know, people see the age and that probably sparks an interest, right? But at this time, none of that plays into it as they were utilizing the hunting mentorship program. A Racine County Sheriff's deputy is in a little bit of trouble after his daughter accidentally shot a 40-year-old man and his 7-year-old son during a youth turkey hunt. Oh, God. I'm sorry. My mic went on and off there. Just too excited. It grabbed me so much. I stumbled all over the mic button.

That is, she must be piss poor with that weapon. She shot two people at a, what was the event again? It was like a turkey hunt? Son of a bit. Was that at the same time at least? Or did they give her another chance after she shot the first person? Well, they figured you already got one. Might as well take out the whole family.

Don't leave witnesses, I always say. I think the reason she's not a good shot is because she's three years old. Oh, right. The Racine County Sheriff's Office confirmed the 35-year-old deputies on administrative leave following the off-duty shooting, which happened April 12th. So who's handing a weapon to a three-year-old? Well, yeah, she got her hands on it. According to the criminal complaint, the deputy was hunting turkeys with his three-year-old daughter when he told investigators he saw what he thought was a turkey head, and he had his three-year-old daughter pulled the trigger of a semi-automatic 12 gauge. Well, can't have them do that, not at that age.

Unfortunately, it was not a turkey. was a family. A 40-year-old man and his 7-year-old son, also hunting nearby, ended up on the receiving end of that gunfire. Thankfully, they survived, but this turkey hunting accident could have easily sent them to their gravy. The complaint states the deputy told investigators he's not a very experienced turkey hunter, and this was one of the first times. He's not. No, he's not. I mean, there's no evidence to dispute that at this point. He's not, but yet he's handing a weapon to a three-year-old. He said this was one of his first times, hunting independently, as a matter of fact.

That is hilarious. He also said he didn't have a hunting safety certificate because he was exempt due to previous military service. And the Wisconsin... That's crazy. The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources confirmed the deputy's military background does qualify him for that exemption. Excuse me, what's the word exemption? He had completed a U.S. Armed Forces Basic Training, reported that, obviously, to the DNR. and then, you know, we waive the hunter education certification that's necessary.

Wisconsin allows people to hunt without completing a hunter education course, as long as there within arm's reach of a mentor who graduated from the education program or who's exempt and who holds a valid hunting license. The Racine County Sheriff's Office said it will conduct its own internal investigation to determine whether the deputy violated department policies separate from the criminal investigation being led by the DNR. Would you go hunting with a three-year-old? I would not.

Because what if they show me up? I might bring them with to like sit next to me and the stand. I'm not talking about sitting. I'm not talking about watching. I'm talking about hunting. I'm afraid they'd be a better shot. Oh, I know. That is absolutely ridiculous.

I've shot a gun once and the people that were with me said, I've never seen something to look more uncomfortable holding a firearm than you did. You look like you've never seen one before in your life and you didn't know how to hold it. I've gone to the rain, my brother's firearms instructor. or at least he used to. I've gone with him. You know, I think that's a pretty good person to go to the range with, and it's a lot of fun. But I can't say that I'd be very good in battle.

No. As a matter of fact, I was made fun of once saying, you know what? If we needed a guy that would fire warning shots, you're him. I could get around the target. I could get around it, but not necessarily hit it. Here's a little turkey trivia to gobble up. Uh-huh. Americans got the word for turkeys because they wrongly thought the bird was from Turkey.

In Turkey, they call the bird Hindis because they wrongly thought they were from India. They actually are native to the Americas, so everyone involved in naming the bird basically had the right bird, but the wrong address. Today, by the way, is National Wildlife Day, and I know that's the way you like it. Uh-oh, living wild wildlife. National Wildlife Day is celebrated September 4th and February 22nd each year to raise awareness about animal conservation. and endangered species. Endangered species. Well, here's a real feel-good story about Korean public service.

A South Korean police officer thought he discovered the ultimate law enforcement shortcut, prematurely closing missing persons cases without doing any actual police work and hoping everybody, excuse me, stops asking questions. It's an efficient guy, but a terrible cop. The officer, surnamed Boo, was arrested last month after closing cases he never investigated and lying to the families of missing people. Is this just out of pure laziness? That's correct. As public criticism mounted, police finally started searching for several people and, oops!

They've already found four dead bodies in recent weeks. So Boo had some splaining to do. On Tuesday, investigators confirmed Boo had faked his way through at least two high-profile cases, claiming he's, claiming he'd personally spoken to the missing individuals before closing their files. He hadn't. He had just said he had. This guy sucks. In both cases, Boo closed the files without actually confirming where the missing people were or whether they were safe.

So instead of solving missing person cases, he solved a different problem, his workload. And unfortunately, for his fellow cops, caused a pretty big boo-boo for Boo's department. The whole embarrassing mass has gotten so bad, even the nation's president had to step in and vowed to reform the police force. The president. Boo's been charged with forgery of public electronic records, obstruction of official duties, and dereliction of duty.

So there are still missing people out there. And he said, oh, no, no, no, I talk to the guy. He's fine. Ran into him just a couple days ago. He was at the movies. We'll take your word for it. Just because he was too lazy to do the work. If you don't mind, I'm due for a nap. Yeah, it's pretty awful. Speaking of naps.

A sleep at the wheel, usually just an expression. Maybe you've used it on a co-worker who's mailing it in. He's basically asleep at the wheel, you might say. However, a newly surfaced video suggests a Colorado Springs police officer may have been the rare, grousey exception where it wasn't just a figure of speech. A video posted to Facebook last week shows what appears to be a uniformed officer taking a mid-shift break to protect and snooze. Slumped over and unresponsive behind the wheel of a marked patrol car parked

in a mall parking lot. Now, CSPD tells News 5 they're aware of the video, adding, quote, the department has initiated an internal investigation to positively identify the officer and review the circumstances surrounding this video. In accordance with policy, the officer will remain on regular duty during the investigation. The video quickly gained traction online, and people started asking questions about the accountability when the alleged nap comes with a light bar in a badge. In response to the footage, the Colorado Springs Police Department confirmed they are investigating. Department officials say while the investigation's ongoing,

they can't comment on potential disciplinary actions or specific administrative details. Well, the guy took a little nap. Can we give him a break? Yeah, I saw the video, and I hope somebody checked on him medically because it looked like he was in trouble. The way he was out, either he's a heavy sleeper,

he had, like a medical episode is what it kind of looked like to me. Well, you probably know this because my wife, oddly enough, sends you pictures of me sleeping. I love that. You probably know that when I'm out, I look like a dead carcass. You do. I actually look frighteningly similar to my dead grandfather when I sleep. It's really eerie, to be totally honest with you.

You do look dead. So this guy, I mean, if he's checking out every shift, that's a problem. But he took a, you know, he fell asleep in the cab of his cop car. I mean, yeah, before he's checking out. judge too much. Hopefully they get more info, right? Maybe he was on a break. I got to say that I assumed, I assume once in a while a cop might nod off in his squad if there's nothing going on. Well, if they're working super long hours, an open-line shift or double-shift or, yeah. So I don't know. I'm with you. I hope they just let's, you know, maybe he had a really late night

and he was on a break and just didn't wake up or something. But shoot, that guy, he looked like he was in some trouble. Yeah. If climbing is your kind of thing. There's actually a new movie in theaters this week. That might be right up your vertical alley. Or a two-hour panic attack if you're afraid of heights. Fall to Dead Point, summits to the big screen.

Two women find themselves in a desperate fight for survival when a mountain rock slide leaves them stranded on a fragile plank, more than 3,000 feet in the air. Also in theaters this week, Mark Wahlberg stars in By Any Means. Mark Wahlberg. like Mark Wahlberg. Me too. A crime drama following a notorious mafia hitman who forms an unlikely alliance with a young

FBI agent to investigate the murders of civil rights leaders in 1966 Mississippi. Mark, Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, Mark Wahlberg. Marcus Wahlberg. Mr. Mark. Rounding out the theatrical action onslaught where a rogue

squad of genetically engineered super soldiers break loose in the desert forcing a badass army sniper to unleash total hell to protect her young daughter. Finally, streaming on Apple TV May Day, a Cold War comedy starring Ryan Reynolds as a U.S.

Navy pilot shot down over Russian territory, forced to rely on a former KGB agent. Coaching football Jesus sex a shout out for Creighton Durham Hall who beat St. Thomas Academy for the first time in six years last night. And happy early birthday to Yupor Jesus

turning 36 tomorrow. That's 93X News. Randy Shaver and Brad Riders. on the half-ass morning show That's good stuff Live from the retirement home It's Randy Shaver, hello Randy Let's try live from the Minnesota

State Fairgrounds. It's Brad Rider, hello Brad. Good morning. Morning. There's Randy. What's you doing out at the fair, Brad Rider? Well, the old lady wanted to come out here and spend a little time, and so I said, well, let's go Friday morning.

The old lady's stuff. She is not standing right. She can tell us she's not standing right next to me right now. Exactly. I've never heard you talk like that before. And I didn't want to give up any cabin time later this weekend. So I'm like, well, let's go early Friday morning before we head out to the cabin for the weekend. You're knocking it out right away.

Good crowd out there already? I hope not. Because we're going out there this morning. We're going to be there from 10 to noon. I'm hoping that only a handful of people show up, like in the hundreds. You can, I mean, you can walk around pretty easily right now, obviously, because it's only 730. but there's a fair amount of people walking around. Yeah.

I'll come see you guys if you're going to be here. Appreciate that, Bradrador. Where are you right now? Because a couple of listeners, a couple of listeners, specifically pooh-poo's and pee-Ps Jesus, has already shown up at the fair this morning. Yeah. Planning on coming to see us at 10 a.m.

And he said, if you can announce on the year where you are, he would like to follow you around. Oh, boy. Okay, well, I'm not so sure. I will for the rest of the people, but they're texting a little bit yesterday. So I came out, I'm outside the poultry barn, as you just suggested that I feed. I'm outside of the poultry barn.

They're loading in a lot of the animals that they're going to be showing today. The barn isn't specifically open for the public yet, but I'm sneaking my way in here to see if we can get a little rooster action behind here. You love a little rooster action. Oh, man. I thought it would be cute if maybe we got some of those hollering, angry roosters in the background. In the last 10 minutes since I've been here, I have heard a couple from time to time, so we might actually get lucky while I'm in here.

So that's kind of cool. I mean, you're seeing the animals brought in in their cages and being prepared to be judged in that whole smear. Right. Yeah, there's some goats in here. Oh. So I see being loaded in here. Yeah, there's kind of a lineup of people loading in some broosters and chicken

and goats and things like that. That's a lot of fun, a lot of fun. Well, don't let them throw you out. You know, tell them you're a radio personality. Drop it, don't you know who I am? I'm sure that would probably get me thrown out sooner. Well, this is cute right here. A listener has texted in to say,

Brad is already at the fair? Is he shopping for leaf blowers? About that time of year, isn't it? I bet you can swing by the Toro booth or whatever and see if you can get yourself. Yeah. Do that? So you and the wife just kind of wandering around this morning. You get out of there before it gets too hot and you head up north?

Yeah. Yeah. I'll head back home. We'll head out there tonight. but she's off at the grant and she didn't want to. She was a little bit afraid that they were going to ask me to hand the phone to her. And I said, well, then if that's the case, you better, you better leave and go somewhere for 45 minutes. So that's where she's at.

If we wanted to talk to her, we just call her. Oh, sir. Okay, an update from Poo's and Pee-P's Jesus. He just heard you announce that you're at the poultry barn. He says, I'm not that far from there. I'm on my way, Brad. Oh, boy. Okay.

Well, he's harmless. He's harmless. Yeah, okay. I'll be the only person in here on a phone, basically. Yeah, he might want to, he might want to. What the hell is that? He's being attacked. He's at the Toro booth.

Go see the guys that loud. Why is that so loud? I thought we were all dead there for a second. I'm the only one in the barn trying to interview a goat right now. Get us what you can, Bradrider. Appreciate you calling in. Oh, Christ. Yeah.

So, again, we're going to be there 10 to noon if listeners are planning on hitting the fair this morning. Come on by. I've never been here this early before. All the times I've never been here this early. There is something to be said for coming this early. Oh, absolutely. If you want to park, I mean, we park on the street a block and a half away. Yeah, I've never been here this early, but I think this is my go-to when I come to the fair from now.

I'm going to be one of those guys. Absolutely, Brad. I like going early. The crowd is lighter. You can park. You can wander around. No lines for anything when you're there this early. Sadly, I've been there many times this early in the morning.

Yep. You pretty much used to leave work immediately the whole fair back in the day. Go every single day. Yeah. But I'm talking about specifically being on the fairgrounds for the morning show way, way, way, way back in the day. Interview some carnies. interviews some farm kids. Is there a reason why you don't do that now?

Is there a reason why you guys don't do that? Because it's a total disaster nine times out of town. We have unreliable equipment and like Nick said. Plus it's tough to fit all those people in that tiny little booth. How much would we have to pay Randy to come out and do that, a live broadcast with you guys from the fair? You don't have enough money. You don't have enough money.

Like Hogbauer Automotive, Randy says it's not how much, it's how much you got. That's right. We'll be there 10 to noon today. Buy something, get out, no pictures, no kids. None of that's true. Those 93x t-shirts and brand-new Hogbauer automotive t-shirts and half-ass morning show hats, they're not going to buy themselves.

We'll see you. Now, are you guys doing a show out there or are you just hanging out? Just hanging out. No. Gotcha. Okay. The shows are kind of pointless because we can't talk to anybody. You just sit, you know what I mean?

like you've got to do the show so you don't get to speak to anybody. Like we were just saying, we haven't done that in years and years and years. It usually was a total mess. We hated it. The engineers hated it. Everybody hated it, so we decided we're never going to do it again. I'll swing by a little

after 10 and stay high. See you, Bradrider. I wish during my time period at Cair that some television station would have said, you know what, this isn't worth it. Let's don't broadcast out here anymore because that's One of them did it, then I think they all would have said, you know what, this is probably not good television.

You know, we could do a live report with a reporter and not have the entire newscast out here. You hated it, too. Well, I mean, I just felt like it was bad TV. It just was not, if I'm sitting at home, why would I watch that? I'm not learning anything. It's just bad TV. I don't disagree. But as you know, from spending all those years out there, a ton of people want to come.

come see you guys for some reason. I don't know why. But they do. Back in the day, back in the day, you're right. Back in the 80s, for sure. 90s, yes. I hear you. Not so much anymore, you're saying?

No, it has changed dramatically. It's not as if we didn't have any laughs ever. We had a few good times, but it just wasn't, it wasn't worth the trouble. It was never worth the pain in the ass. It's hard to do. It sounds easy, but it's not. You got someone in your. your ear telling you this and that.

All right. People don't need to hear our problems, but go ahead. Yes. I'll never forget. This was probably 10 years ago when I was still working for the wolf. And I had to bring something over. I don't even remember what it was. I had to drop something off at the Care Barn for somebody. And it was between your 5 and 6 o'clock newscast.

And so I'm in the back, you know, where you guys are hanging out. I'm in the back. Catching up with Julie and catching up with Bell. and Randy's sitting over in the corner looking like somebody just killed his dog. And I said, you all right? He's like, yeah, I'm just ready to be done. I love that Randy's never hit it. And that was day one, Brad.

Yeah, probably was, yeah. Didn't take long to burn Randy Shaver out on that. No, no, no. All right, boys, in the season opener last night right here in Dinky Town, Golden Gofer football, totally curb stomped. Eastern Illinois by a silly final score of 59 to 7. They were favored by 40, from what I understand. Yeah.

A kid named Javan Tracy set a record for Golden Gopher football with two punt returns for touchdowns in that one ball game. And they just whooped a llama's ass. Hey, backup quarterback Max Schickenchansky ran in a touchdown last night. I don't know. Max Schenchanzky at all. But I was a big fan of his dad. For sure.

Jim Shickenchansky, who was part of those glorious Golden Gopher basketball teams back in the day. So I always enjoy reading good things about the kid. So it was a total whooping, total disaster for Eastern Illinois. And now, next week, this should be fun. Yeah. Next week, they have a much more legitimate opponent in Mississippi State. So there you go. It was a hell of an opener.

It's a great way to start. It's got everybody's feet wet, and they were expected to win. You know, when you're favored by 40, the chances are real good you're going to win. You may not cover the 40, but you're going to win. However, last night, Rutgers was favored by 30 at home against Massachusetts and got their doors blown off. Oh, yeah. So you never know.

really what might happen even when you play a team that's supposedly lesser on your schedule. And then they decided to blow off their fireworks after that too. Did you see that? Yes.

Well, you can't just leave them sitting there. Well, yeah, but I mean, they could have read the room a little bit and maybe not, you know, if they saved the fireworks for a different day. No, I missed that. So Rutgers gets totally pumped and then they still had a fireworks show after the ball game. Yeah, they marketed it as they were going to have a

fireworks show after the game, and they decided to go through with it. So, yeah, we're shooting out fireworks after they got beat by Massachusetts. So, and Massachusetts snapped some sort of 18 game losing streak to FCS1 schools and all that kind of stuff. I mean, it was just a, it was a massive upset last night. When we first started talking about Eastern Illinois coming to the U of M to play a ballgame, Josh, said, is this one of those deals where the U of M pays them? Money to, yeah. Now, this Rutgers, UMass thing, Rutgers paid the University of Massachusetts $1.55 million.

Yeah. I didn't realize until this story, I didn't realize it was that much. And I heard like 500 grand. That's actually pretty normal. Wow. Rutgers wrote a check to the University of Massachusetts for $1.55 million to come to New Jersey and beat their ass. And that doesn't just happen at the Division I level. That happens at all levels of college football.

I mean, you will have a school that is supposed to beat another school at D2 or D3, and they will pay not that much, obviously, not as much as that, but they will pay school to come and play them. You know what? And a couple days ago, well, maybe it was just yesterday, we were rattling through notable alumni from Eastern Illinois. And it was actually an impressive list. Kevin Duckworth, Tony Romo.

and I'm forgetting the others, Josh. Boy, you had a whole list, and I'm kind of... Oh, oh, Brad Childers. Oh, yeah. Former Vikings head coach Brad Childers. Yeah. Good question here from Medical Device Jesus. I didn't get to watch last night's football game, by the way,

because it was on this wacky channel, and they wanted like an extra $15, and I said, I'll wait until they play someone legitimate, so I did not watch the game. But medical device Jesus was an interesting question. Did they mention on the broadcast? last night that Eastern Illinois is Tony Romo's alma mater. I wonder if they'd even talk about Tony Romo on sports-related television.

No idea. All right. What in God's name is happening with that old broken-down Bill Belichick character? By damn is his football program. An unmitigated disaster. And it started a couple years ago. How long has he been there? One year, two years ago?

I think this is a second year. It's been a disaster from the get-go. That's not news. It all started when he started when he began dating his granddaughter. But anyway, the University of North Carolina is reportedly investigating Bill Belichick's son for potentially using drugs on campus or providing drugs for players. Oh my.

What? That's right. His son, Steve Belichick, who I think is a defensive coordinator or something, is being investigated for exactly that. They didn't mention what kind of drugs we're talking about, performance enhancing drugs, marijuana, cigarettes, crack rocks, meth rocks. They didn't mention, at least in front of me, I have no specifics on what type of drugs he's being accused of using or selling to the players.

But, I mean, that's just the beginning. What else is in here? Oh, the general manager was just put on leave. Right. I want to say Michael Lombardi, I just saw that the other day. Right, and they call that mysterious that he would step down. Also, there are rumors and investigations at the University of North Carolina. over some sexual activity happening between, I want to make sure I have this right.

A human resources, sorry, I'll get there. Whether or not a member of the University of North Carolina's recruiting staff has had a sexual relationship with a player. Oh, boy. And a sexual scandal involving. an assistant coach and a recruiting coach. So they got all that going on right as they've... That's a lot. Right as they've cracked the doors

on a new football season. And they just won their opener. I mean, they played last week. Man. Everybody's banging everybody, allegedly. Maybe the coach's son, who's also a coach, is selling drugs or using drugs. Now, his son, Steve Belichick,

has been on medical leave since the early part of August. That, according to some, is very mysterious. Bill Belichick insists that Steve is ill and will return to the team shortly. This is just, like I said, an absolute catastrophe. Well, you know what, that just kind of falls in line with college football in general. Is it all a catastrophe? Well, just the way that the college football has said, up now and college sports in general. I think it just doesn't feel like it's there's any sort of

oh it feels out of control. Yeah. Yeah. No control. Now this is funny. Your mom's plumber Jesus just texted in to say with all that recent information, I'll tell you what, I'm sending my high school highlight tape to the University of North Carolina. Other people are texting in to say that Steve Belichick appears to be on crack rocks. He does have that look. Oh, and someone has enlightened us and informed us that on last night's Golden Gopher Football broadcast, they did talk about Tony Romo being an Eastern Illinois alum, and they even showed some highlights of his career there.

That's great. I guess it was a CBS broadcast, they wouldn't have brought it up, but since it was Peacock, I'm sure they figured there's fair game. I'll be damned. Hey, our guy, Andrew D. Paola, is, again, the Vikings special team's captain, and he's been given that honor for the third straight football season. We hope to talk to Andrew again for this Vikings season. I think that's locked in.

Hope everything's going all right with. Oh, that's great. Yeah, we'll start talking with him next Friday at the usual time, 730. Next Friday. That's fabulous. So this is cute. Speaking of drugs, oh God. San Francisco 49ers defensive end, Keon White is hoping that he can get plenty of sleep

when the 49ers travel to Australia for their ridiculous season opening game against the Los Angeles Rams. Oh, the NFL loves this gimmick. Oh, yeah. We're playing a game in Japan. We're playing a game in Russia. We're playing a game in Biafra. So what is that? 16, 17 hours in the air, something miserable like that?

I know a guy who went to Australia and said it was, I think my wife's been there too. And she said it's, the plane ride is unbelievable. So this Keon White, he's funny. He was talking about how he plans on dealing with that 15, 16 hour plane ride. He said, I don't know if a guy can overdose on melatonin, but I'm going to try. I don't know if you can OD on melatonin, but I'm going to try. Take like five melatonin, go to sleep on the plane.

As soon as I wake up, I'm taking five more. Just keep rolling like that. Keep going like that. I hope that game's on Thursday. They got to play that game on a Thursday, right? I think it's a Wednesday. I think it's Wednesday. That's even better.

Yeah, it's the middle of the week sometimes. I know that much. That's funny. I don't know much about melatonin. Do you guys stay pretty baked on that day by day? My wife used to use it a lot. I use it. I use it.

It helps you sleep. Helps you sleep. It gives you weird dreams. Yeah? Not like scary or anything, but it's all of a sudden like, oh, here I am making a go-kart with my middle school science teacher. Dude. Trippy. Yeah, it is.

All right. I've taken Xanax. With varying degrees of success or disaster. Oh, I've seen it be pretty bad. taken Xanax quite a few times with beer. Not doctor recommended. Well, actually, it was doctor recommended, but I've never tried melatonin. Yeah, you can just pick that up at your local store.

It's not prescribed like a Xanax. That's a great friggin line. I'll take five, go to sleep. Soon as I wake up, I'm taking five more. Yeah. Oh, it says here, this will be the very first game, very first regular season, NFL, whatever, in Australia. Who cares?

Yeah, my doctor was real cool back in the day. He kind of looked to his left and looked to his right and he said, don't spread this around. But he said, I'm going to give you this Xanax, because I asked him for it. I said, I hate plane rides. I got one coming up. What do I do? He said, I got a bucket of Xanax for you.

And he kind of, like I said, kind of secretively said to me, he said, have yourself a tall beer and just have a half of that Xanax pill. and I guarantee you the lights are going to go out and you're going to have a great time and he was right. I unfortunately, I abused that mixture

a couple of times and things were not all right. Not all right. So there you go. The Las Vegas Raiders went ahead and named that obnoxious bastard Kurt Cousins their starting quarterback for week one instead of fellow nerd bag

rookie Fernando Mendoza. Not surprised. No, I'm not surprising you either. They're going to wait until... I'm not looking to surprise anybody. I'm looking to make you miserable. You know what? It's all right.

Let him go. Let him, you know... God, help us. We can't get enough of the captain. We just can't. Captain Death Rocks. Yeah. Jesus.

Even a train has to come to a stop at some point of another. Someone passed that on to Kurt Cousins. It's a no-lose solution. Either they win with them and they do well or they don't, and then they can turn the keys over to the young guy. And that'll be it for him. I think this is his last stop. I pray that you're correct with that prediction.

I think the gravy train is ending in Vegas. I got a dagger tag update. Mark Sanchez, who played drunken dagger tag with that truck driver. he intends to plead guilty in his criminal case. So that means we're not going to get an entertaining, long, drawn-out trial, which is disappointing. Make sure you're going to record court TV. I know you were excited for it.

I was excited about this one. I wanted to hear all the details, all the details. I mean, we've heard quite a bit, but there's got to be more that we don't know. But it sounds like he's just going to. It sounds like he's just going to step up and take his medicine. That sucks. Sorry I blew up, I guess.

Well, maybe more information will come out. You just have to read about it. I don't know what you want me to say. Or maybe they make that. Maybe there'll be a Netflix special in a few years. Say any damn thing. I wanted to see all the gory details. They might come out.

Like the OJ trial. Yeah. All right. topic here. Very creative. Very creative, I think. Bro Bible. Okay, I'm going to go crazy.

Is there anything we can do to where we can't hear all of the goings-on in Randy's respiratory system? Is there anything we can do? That's not me. It's not me, either. What you're talking about? Because I can hear it.

Randy. Again, for the millionth time, we know it's not your fault. But we can hear every beat of your heart and all of the capillaries at work in your lungs right now. It just is what it is. It is what it is. Very creative topic here from Pro Bible. The biggest what ifs in sports since the start of the 21st century. Like I said, creative.

I can't say that I can't say that I've seen a rundown like this before. And here's how they set it up. A lot of what ifs would be as simple as flipping the result of a game or two. This instead focuses on specific plays, decisions, and injuries. So I know it's a little vague right now, and you might not sure where they're going with this. But I'll just give you example number one. and I think you'll get a read on it. What if Derek Rose never gets injured?

Derek Rose. One of my favorite NBA players. It's just cool, too. He was. He was a cool guy, too. I got to know him. I know you do, Bradrider. And we had plans that never really came to be

where me and Brad and Derek Rose were going to go to Applebee's. Yeah. But we couldn't figure it out. Yeah. When he was playing there with the Timberwolves, I asked Brad Ryder. You know, can we do this? You say, and it didn't happen. I'm not mad at anybody about it, but I like picturing myself at Applebee's with Brad Ryder and Derek Rose.

I actually did ask him if he wanted to go out to eat with a radio personality. He said, yes, we just never tied it together. It happens. It happens. I was at the ball game here in town when he scored, was it 50 or higher? It was 50. Yeah. 50 right on the balls. Yep. Great athlete.

Yeah, with the Chicago. Bulls, when he was young, he looked like the next great, great, great player, and unfortunately, it didn't work out. What if the next big what if, and this is just since the start of the 21st century, but I'm not going to be mad if anybody has any examples from way back when. That's just the way Bro Bible took it, but we can go all over the board if you want to. What if the 20 and 12 Oklahoma City Thunder never broke up at the time they had the frigging Durantula. They had Russell Westbrook. They had that friggin moron

James Hardin. Wow. Had they... Hardin was coming off the bench. Right. Had they stayed together, the damage they could have done would have been historic. What if the Seattle Seahawks would have handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch instead of stupid Russell Wilson throwing an interception

on the damn goal line in that Super Bowl against the New England Patriots? That was one of the most colossal effing boners, I can remember. Especially in a game of that magnitude. What in the hell were they thinking throwing that freaking pass?

They weren't thinking they were overthinking it in the worst possible way. Like there's times to get cute and creative. On the goal line, the Super Bowl in the fourth corner is not it. You've got one of the best goal line back in the history of the game. You got one yard to win a Super Bowl. And leading up to that play, if I remember correctly, Marshaun Lynch was tearing off nine yards per carry. They couldn't stop the guy.

Yeah. What if Drew Bledsoe never gets injured? Now, here's how they explain that. Yeah. When Drew Bledsoe was playing quarterback, years and years and years ago for New England, again, this is a New England scenario. Tom Brady was his backup.

Bledso gets mangled at the start of the 2001 season, which gave Tom Brady his big chance. Now, they go on to say, if Bledso had continued as the Patriots quarterback and played out his contract, the Patriots would likely still find some success. But they likely do not become the disgusting dynasty that lasted for nearly 20 godforsaken years. And Tom Brady would have probably still been a somebody, but likely somewhere else. and if he would have been somewhere else? Who knows?

Who knows? Maybe it kind of gets lost in the shelf a little bit. There you frigging go. Fate, Cubby. We're talking about fate here. Yeah, this is very interesting. Maybe he becomes J.J. McCarthy. Maybe he becomes J.J. McCr-

What if Patrick Mahomes was drafted by the Bears? Oh, man. Do you remember? Does everyone remember the quarterback that was taken by the Bears ahead of Patrick Mahomes? Was it Trebisky? It was. Oh, yeah.

Mitch Trubisky. In the 20 and 17 draft, the Cleveland Brown selected Miles Garrett's number one overall, and he turned out to be a great player. Oh, Hall of Famer. But who the hell was, I know this is a tough question because they've had 116 quarterbacks

in the last 25 years, but who was on the Browns roster as their number one quarterback during that draft? So the Browns could have taken Patrick Mahomes, too. Who the hell were they relying on in 20 and 17? It's a crapshoot who that might be. But anyway, the number two pick, the Chicago Bears, took Mitch Trubisky.

Yep. With Patrick Mahomes still on the board. And, well, they didn't know that it was going to be Patrick Mahomes the way he is now. Well, of course not. Mitch Trubisky was the best quarterback on the board. Well, and Patrick Mahomes was a backup his first year and change in Kansas City, too. It wasn't like he came into the league as this Valley Hood prospect. You know, I mean, everybody thought he'd be good.

good. No, no, no, but you just have to, yeah, you know, avoid those little details and just imagine if Patrick Mahomes would have become Patrick Mahomes with the Chicago Bears as opposed to. Now, here locally, yes, Randy. The 2017 Cleveland Browns quarterback, that's what you asked. Sure. Deshaun Kaiser. 11 touchdowns that season, 22 interceptions. Lick me down.

Now, I thought of a few local what-ifs for you. What if the Vikings' offensive line does their job on Gary Anderson's kick in the 98 NFC title game. And if you're confused by that, because I know so many of us just strictly blame it on Gary Anderson. And I've been saying for decades on this show, it was not Gary Anderson's fault. If you watch the replay, the right side of the Minnesota Vikings offensive line completely fails to block an Atlanta Falcon who came up on Gary Anderson to his right. So Gary put just a little bit of left English on that football because he had to. And that's why if he doesn't put a little left English on that ball, it gets blocked. It was not Gary Anderson's fault.

It was the Vikings offensive line. So what if they did their job on that day? But if Robert Smith doesn't run out of bounds three plays earlier? I'll tell you what if. Actually, I have an answer to this one. They get their doors blown off in the Super Bowl by John Elway. Yeah, I mean, you have to admit, yeah, that way actually wasn't even the Super Bowl. That was just to get to the Super Bowl.

Right. There's no guarantees anything would have happened. You know, I love this one. What if the Minnesota North Stars would have drafted Pat LaFontaine in 1983? I'll tell you what. Yeah. The stars would have won a Stanley Cup and they never would have left Minnesota. That's what if.

What if Kevin Lynch makes that three-pointer at the buzzer against Georgia Tech? Yeah. What if David Ortiz would have remained a twin? Do you think he would have become the David Ortiz that we... I don't know. You don't know? Yeah. I don't know about that one.

Yeah, I don't know if he would have become that. Oh, here we go. Listeners are texting in with their what-ifs. What ifs? What if Kirby never gets him? hitting the eye. Oh, gosh. Yeah.

Well, he didn't get hit the eye, but. Oh, sorry, right. Well, he did. It was glaucoma. Yeah, that was. He did get hit by Dennis Martinez, hit him in the face with a fastball. Well, I know that wasn't the, I know that wasn't proven to be the cause of the glaucoma. Right, right.

I think I know where that listener is going. What if the Vikings drafted Warren Sapp instead of Derek Alexander? Oh, God. We're missing the most obvious local one. Go. Bradrider. What if the Timberwolves drafts Steph Curry? Oh, right. Yeah. I was going further back on...

But there's no guarantee that Steph Curry would have been that Steph Curry either. You're right. But we have to... In the Timberwolf system. But we have to assume that he does in order for these what-ifs. Yeah. No, you're right. What if Chris Weber never called that timeout? We're all over the place here, and I love it. I was going earlier back with the wolves. Would have Stefan never demanded that trade? And

and KG played together for another couple of years. Dude. I remember Flip Saunders telling the story about that whole thing where Stefan Marbury, he demanded the trade, he'd wanted to go back out east, blah, blah, blah. Before it happened, a couple nights before, he said, you're a flipper member at a time that he was in a hotel room with KG and Steph.

KG and him were trying to convince Steph not to demand the trade, say, hey, we got an opportunity to do something really cool. And Stefan was adamant, he said. And he goes, well, three, four in the morning, and Flip, finally realized he wasn't going to, wasn't going to change his mind. So he walked out of the room and he turned around to him and KG and Stefan said, boys, I really hope 20 years from now we don't run into each other at an All-Star game

and talk about what a mistake we made. Well, like I said, we're all over the board with these what-ifs. What if Randy Rhodes hadn't died in that plane crash? Oh, Jesus. What if Minute Bowl had a body like Akeem-Elajewan? He would have been, what's that douchebag that plays for San Antonio now? Wemba Yonba. if Minute Bowell had a body like Akimelajuan,

he would have been the original Wemba Yamba. These are great. I got one more for you here locally. What if Lou Holtz would have committed himself to the University of Minnesota? Yes. Yes, that could have been life-changing. Dude.

For Gopher football. I got one way, way, way, way back. Talk to me, Brad Reader. What if there's no snowstorm when John Wooden was supposed to come an interview for the Gopher basketball? Wow, that is a deep cut. Right. Tell us the story now, because I love that story.

Well, I don't know the, I don't know the details, but I do know that he was set to come here, according to Sid, anyway. He was set to come here and interview for the go-for basketball job. And this is like, what, 1951 or something? Yeah, before he ever went to UCLA. Right. And he couldn't get on the plane. The plane got, the plate got canceled because of a snowstorm. So he ended up instead staying out on the West Coast.

and UCLA interviewed him for their job, literally a couple of days after that. And he took the UCLA job and never made it here for the interview. Right. I thought I'd heard a similar story about Tony Dorset, where Tony Dorset considered playing college ball at the University of Minnesota. But he tried to make a telephone call to confirm that, but there was such a terrible snowstorm here in town. The telephone lines were down.

So he hung up the phone and called the University of Pittsburgh and said, yeah, I'll come play at Pittsburgh. I mean, who knows if any of that's true, but that's a good one, Bradrider. I love that story. What if Randy Shaver knew how to ride a bike and drive a golf car? I thought it went for you, Nick.

What if you would have realized sooner the woman who wanted you to help her try out bikinis was hitting on you? Oh, no, we ended up. That wasn't a missed opportunity. I was able to take advantage of that opportunity. Eventually, but I thought you said you didn't realize at first that's what she was looking for.

Oh, yeah, no, it took me about one minute. The bikini tryout story? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was a... Okay, Twins White Sox this weekend on the south side. It's time, Randy Shaver. This is it.

I mean, there are three games... They've blown so many opportunities in the last few days because both Cleveland and... Why am I blanking here? Chicago has stumbled the last couple of days. And the twins, you know, go to extra innings against the Tigers and blow that game the other night. But having said all that, they're only three games out in the wild card. So this is a huge weekend for them.

They get the White Sox for the last time. I think they get Detroit again after the White Sox. Yes. And then Cleveland. So here we go. It's like nine games that really will decide what's going on with the Twins season. But as Brad said, and he's right, I mean, the last wild card team right now is the Guardians and they're 500. You're going to have to probably finish 500 to be a playoff team as a wild card, the American League.

So the twins have some work to do. There are six games under 500 right now. Listeners are still sending in their what-ifs to our text machines, 651, 989, 93. Up North Metal Mullet, Jesus wants to know this, Josh. my dad and your mom would have hooked up back in the 70s. That'd be pretty sweet if we were brothers. Yeah. Yeah.

I just thought, I walked by me at the fair with a T-shirt you would love, Nick. What's it saying? I got to go ask them what it says. Don't be a jagoff. That's all the T-shirt says? Yeah. Don't be a... I like that.

The National Basketball Association dumped a hell of a punishment on the Los Angeles Clippers. Reminds us of Joe Smith. It does. The Clippers have had five future first-round draft picks taken away from them. They were fined $30 million. The owner, a big bald feller called Steve Balmer, he's been suspended for the entire upcoming basketball season, all for doing shady things with the salary cap.

All of this involving star player and Mr. Personality of the NBA, clearly, Kowai Leonard. And you're right, it's similar to what the NBA tossed at the Timberwell for doing shady things with the salary cap when they acquired Joe Smith in 2000 or 99 or something. For Christ's sake, it was a long time ago. You know, they took away five first-round picks. Nobody's laughing now. It's all very confusing, but hilarious.

Yeah, I mean, the whole story and Brad probably describe it. easier than I can, but the whole story is kind of muddled mess. There's money off the books that goes to Kauai through endorsement type situations. And they just, they work themselves around a salary cap in order to have Kauai for an extended period of time. And it just, it was a mess. And they're paying a heavy, heavy price. I mean, to lose five first round picks in this day and age, I think I saw what this means is for Paul George,

they gave up 10 first round picks to Oklahoma City. It's basically what it amounts to. They lost 10 first round picks when they made that trade. Yeah, wasn't one of the stories like this, I thought I had heard that the Clippers were able to, and by the way, what makes this extra fun, is that the Clippers said multiple times over and over and over again. We didn't do anything wrong.

We don't know what everybody's talking about. No, no. Us? No, no, we didn't do anything. You friggin liars. But wasn't one of the gimmicks like this here where the NBA found out that Kauai Leonard was making millions of millions of dollars for these celebrity endorsements? And the NBA looked a little closer and realized that these products or companies that he was supposedly endorsing didn't friggin' exist.

Yeah. Yeah, just not very smart. I mean, when things are on the book like that, when you can look up the financial stuff pretty easily, and I think the league has a pretty good handle on that team to team. I mean, it was just stupid. Not even like you're putting money under the table. It's all out for them to see.

It was like they looked into the paperwork and they saw, oh, Kawhi Leonard is making $17 million a year from a company called Big Juilliard. butt plugs or something like that. Julie makes a quality plug, okay? And then they said, well, who to hell is Big Julie? And we didn't know she, they found out there was no such

company as Big Julie's butt plugs. That $17 million was coming from the Clippers. He's crooked. What if the Vikings never traded for Herschel Walker? It wasn't Herschel's fault, just like it wasn't Gary Anderson's fault. No. No. What if

Kurt Ankle never broke his Freaking neck. You want to answer me that, Dana? What if you never broke his freaking neck? Freaking neck. He ends up being even more amazing than he already turned out to be. Nick, there is a Julie butt plug. Yeah, but it's J-E-W-E-L.

Well, it's Julietette. So then they say Julie toys. See, we're talking about big Julie. Speaking of snowstorms, what if that snowstorms I'd never collapsed the Metrodome. Oh, my God. Maybe it'd still be here.

That's what I'm saying. That's what... Yes. Then we would be without... Yeah. We would be without one hilarious video. Because the video of that roof cut and loose

and that poor bastard on that golf cart trying to get out of the way, that was fun. And then a week later at US Bank, not US Bank, but TCF Bank Stadium when Brett Farber just got murdered on the field by the Chicago Bears.

I thought the man was dead. I thought they were just going to chalk outline his body and said, there, that's that. He was a great player while he lasted. It might have taken them a few more years to get that stadium built had that not happen. Yeah. Right. What if Carl Polad actually sold his team and contracted the twins?

Yeah, what was that, like 94, 95? Yeah. Imagine. What if Cubby would finally man up and get himself a zero-turned mower? Working on him. Talk with boys at Lano. I mean, when you got a postage stamp lawn, you don't necessarily need one. What if Josh never met his overbearing wife and ended up dating my sister?

Nah, your sister wasn't interested. I had my shot. Another listener texted in to say, What if my parents would have actually loved me? Oh. You might be a happier guy. Who knows? What if they made an IQ test mandatory to get into the state fair?

Oh, man. Well, you'd be talking to us from your home. Yeah, I probably would be. You dick. Oh, my God. It's just like Brad Ryder to walk into the state fair and look around and say, well, I'm the smartest son bitch here. You are so uppity sometimes.

Hey, Brad, have fun at the fair with, as you would put it, your old lady. Yeah, I got to go find her now. I got to make sure she's still here somewhere. She didn't run off with the beer guy. She's probably hanging out, maybe having a cold one at this point. As she should. Maybe. And Randy Shaber, have a great weekend.

I will. The 93X half-assed morning show. Hey, podcast, friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air condition. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up.

Getting your furnace tune-up before the cold weather hits is just smart. Right now, you can save $70 on a furnace tune-up or double-dip and save $140 if you add the AC tune-up as well. Scheduled by September 30th and use the code 93X to 7. Standard heating and air conditioning providing the comfort you deserves is 1930. Online at standardheating.com. Years of hard work and now you've got pain in your back, your shoulders, your knees, maybe your joints, you need help. Randy Shaver here with the answer.

Dave Bealke, he's got over 30 years experience in getting workers' compensation benefits for people just like you. Don't suffer. Call Bealky Law today. 763-571-2410 or go to Bealkylaw.com. That's B-I-A-L-K-E-L-E-Law.com. And it spells relief for you. F-S. Morning Show 93X. It's the Friday program, and we've hit 828.

We're very much looking forward to hearing what's going on with our next guest. And to hear what's going on with Roger Up. Roger Up is a nonprofit that supports veterans and first responders, struggling with mental health. We have the founder and CEO of Roger Up in studio. He served in the U.S. Marine Corps. from 2007 to 2011, deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan, a Purple Heart recipient by God. Let's welcome to the show for the second time, Zach Johnson.

Hello, Zach. Hey, good morning. Very happy to be back. Thank you for having me. Of course. Of course. We have to. I mean, not only you have such a great thing going on, but you're one of the most popular

guests I think we've ever had on. Oh, my goodness. That's red in my turning right now. It's true. The last time you were on, we had dozens upon dozens, if not more, texts coming in saying, you have to have them on regularly. Wow. Well, let's sign the contract.

Dude. He ain't kidding. I'm trying to think, was it Veterans Day? The last time we had you in studio. Yeah, Veterans Day last year. And I mean, your, Roger Up is such a wonderful, I mean, what do you even call it?

I want to call it a company. I don't really know what to. Organization. There you go. We're here to help people heal. Exactly. And just the way you came off. and when people learned about what Roger Up is all about last time we had you in studio, the response was massive.

Oh, my goodness. So I think we should apologize first for taking so long between visit number one and visit number two, but we're happy to have you back. I'm excited to hear, yes, John. I don't think you would have had time to come in between last time or right now. You were telling us off the air everything you've got going on between building the organization and in your personal life

to try and better yourself to be more effective for the organization. Your commitment is incredible. And you were saying, what's the two things that keep you going? Caffeine and hate. That's a Marine Corps trade. I think the brotherhood and sisterhood can relate to that in the military. A little bit of nicotine maybe sprinkled in that? Yep, yep, absolutely.

Yeah. Little skull, a little cope. Okay, so we have one negative text that's come in on your appearance. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. And this is from pooh-poo's and pee-pies, Jesus, a vet himself. Okay. Who says, come on.

Every time this guy's on, none of the rest of us can get laid. You're stealing a mall. Hey, I'm taken, so that's all you. We'd love to hear everything that's going on, Zach. Since we last talked, what are the new developments with Roger up? Well, I'm starting my third year at St. Cloud State University. I'm getting my master's degree as a licensed practitioner counselor. That's going to help us to better serve our community.

And then our women's program, our women's engagement coordinator, she is also getting her master's degree as a licensed clinician and social work. Very proud of what she's done and accomplished. We just became the VFW State Commander's project for our women's program. So anybody in the sisterhood, if you are a women veteran first responder, there's a closed group Facebook community page. They are just doing things, leaps and bounds. We're going to be serving over 113 women on just our outdoor adventures

and appreciation dinners and retreats. And so beyond that, we've launched our service dog program, which has just been awesome. That's why I brought you guys the hooded sweatshers. These are really cool. Thank you. Zach brought us in some hoodies. Yeah, tell us more about the service dogs. So we have three Red Fox Labrador Retriever puppies that are in training right now.

I bet they're just hideous to look at, right? I bet. Yeah, I'll pull it up here while we're chat. Oh, thank you. I wanted to cry today. That she can see it. So you'll get the ooze and Oz from that. But then beyond that,

I just want to continue to build this organization and really spread the message. Very excited to now talk about we are launching chapters in North Dakota, Nevada, and Idaho. All three are a go. We have accreditation with both North Dakota and Idaho. I filed for accreditation yesterday with Nevada. We've got some great teams out there. We're continuing to look for building chapters in all 50 states. And then we have a partnership that we utilize.

with revolutionary telehealth. And this is a veteran-owned organization that operates like a not-for-profit. So for me, if I have a veteran or first responder who's struggling, I can sit there, I can go purchase a gift card for $150 through our organization, and then I can go hand it to that individual. That will allow them for mental health sessions anywhere they want in the 50 states in the union.

They can do it from the comfort of their own home. They can do it from their cell phone. absolutely incredible resource for us to have. And teams like hometown heroes outdoors, Chris and his team, they're partnered with them also. They're partnered with a lot of others in our veterans community. And so they are just doing an absolutely phenomenal job to help with that. And so we're really just wanting to be one of these pinnacle organizations to help with mental health care. It's impressive.

It's impressive. Thank you. How, what would you say to a veteran or a first responder? who's apprehensive. Like, what are some of the common things you hear from these people on day one? I'm struggling. Yeah. I don't know where to turn right now.

I feel like I'm up to my eyeballs, and a lot of times they're just exhausted. A lot of times you just got to say, man, you know, tomorrow's going to worry about itself. What do we focus on today? Today may just be meant, you've got to go home and go to bed. I know you've got a ton of stuff, and it feels like you're going to be eating an elephant here, but how do we eat an elephant one by the time? So what can we do? Let's work on getting you some rest here because you got so many moving parts.

But let's come back to the table then tomorrow. Let's come up with a game plan, whether you're underemployed, unemployed, whether you've got marital issues, whether you've got personal stuff going on, disability claims, benefits, resources, where are you struggling? And that's what Roger Up is all about is living life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness to the best of your ability. and we step in and help out to provide the resources to help make that happen. Why doesn't St. Club State just hand you that degree right now?

Yeah, seriously. Please, I'm so ready to be. I'm ready for the next chapter. Are you? School is school, right? Oh, my gosh, those dogs. It could be a little. Oh, okay.

We lost to Ashley. Zach is showing us pictures of these puppies who will eventually be trained as service dogs. Oh, my God. So I'm showing a picture of, I'm showing a picture of Chance. Chances at the Magnus Veterans Foundation, which is where I'll be doing my internship. And, yeah, Chance is just, he's huge. He's going to be so awesome out there. Because he's going to be a veteran service dog out there.

But he'll also be a shop dog. So when I'm doing internship, if I'm in a session with a veteran, and maybe we're getting a little intense, it's getting to be a bit much. I'm going to call a pause to the clinical session. And then I'm going to be able to say, hey, Chris, can I borrow Chance real quick? bring that dog in, try to help subside a little bit of those, maybe anxiety symptoms or whatever they may be feeling. That's incredible. We posted a link to your website, rogerup.org. People were texting in saying, how can I help? And some folks are saying, how can I buy merchandise,

t-shirts and stuff like that? And I see that's all on your website. Yep, rogerup.org backslash shop is where we have all of ours. Shipping's 100% free. We got a bunch of hooded sweatshirts, long-sleeved t-shirts for both veterans and first responders. Women's hooded sweatshirt, Women's Racerback. There's a hat on there. The best way right now to help us is we have the Roger Up Gala coming up, October 3rd at Warehouse Winery in St. Louis Park. And we are looking for corporate sponsorships, people to help us out with purchasing tables, title sponsors, things like that. Open bar, five to seven.

And then we're doing dinner and we're going to have a great time. Dr. Jim Terilla, who is an Air Force Vietnam veteran four-time VFW national service. Surgeon General and a team member of ours as a liaison is going to be our keynote speaker. We're going to have testimonial speaking. We're going to have live auction, silent auction. It's going to be a great night. It sounds like a great night. It does. We're getting texts now wondering, can we volunteer? Is there a way to help out otherwise? Yeah, go to rogerup.org. You go to the very bottom of the page on the left hand side. There is a volunteer kind of icon tab. Click on that, put your information on there.

and we've got some, you know, different things coming up. We've got some Second Amendment bingoes. Very proud to partner with the Minnesota Deer Hunters Association up in Grand Rapids, and they have chapters all over the state. We have a all-women's archery deer hunt and Second Amendment bingo at the Grand Rapids. VFW, October 24th is that fundraiser. They'll be hunting before and after that. And then we have one at the Buffalo American Legion, November 21st.

and another December 4th down at the Rochester VFW with our goose hunt down there. And by the way, I want listeners to know he's not reading off a script right now. That was impressive. I was just going to bring this up. I remember that from last time being like, dang, dude, that's cool. You should see some of the conversations off air around here like, wait, wins that? We have maybe four events and we can't keep any of those. Four events a year, we can't keep the times.

It's amazing. I live in a calendar. I just can tell you that the day ends and why right now. And you have so much going on. That is impressive. We're jaw jacking here with Zach Johnson, the founder and CEO of Roger Up, a nonprofit that helps veterans, first responders. When we had you in studio the first time around, and you just got done talking about some hunting events and whatnot. But when we had you in studio the first time around, maybe the most popular question we got was about more of the outdoor activities, activities, more of the outdoor activities that you do with veterans and first responders.

Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Yeah, so, you know, looking at like our full calendar. So January, we do a women's dog sledding trip up in Ely. Dog sledding. Cool, good. Come up with these ideas. I mean, that's awesome. Honestly, I'm a portal for the good Lord's work.

At the end of the day, I don't even know half these thoughts. I don't think they're mine. I really, like, I really believe that I have a plan, path and purpose in this. But like, really what it was one time, I was like, oh, we should go snowmobiling. This is going to be awesome. Like, let's go look up on, you know, the North Shore. And I went, oh, my gosh, got to live vicarious. through this organization. I've always wanted to go dog sledding. I don't want to go all the way to Alaska to do it. And so I started searching. And chili dogs up in Ely has been absolutely great with us. So we have the women's trip in January. We have a couple's dog sledding trip in February. We do a South Dakota snow goose hunt in March. We'll do a turkey hunt in April, women's wellness retreat in May. June, we're going to hopefully add in a offshore fishing trip and side-by-side riding up on the North Shore.

July, we do a lot of outreach. We go to the Duluth Air Show. August, we go and do a women's fishing trip up with Camp Bliss, who's an incredible partner of ours. And then September, a lot of outreach. There's tons and tons of events in the veterans and first responders community. And then October 10th, we have a pheasant hunt up at Sand Pine. 35 individuals.

We'll post that on our Facebook page for that trip announcement. we have the archery deer hunt, men's rifle deer hunt in November, and a goose hunt December. Lister just texted in and said, Hey, what about a little pickleball? Magnus Veterans Foundation, go sign up there, become a member, they got pickleball over there. I don't need one more thing to add into it.

Hey, you guys, that's a packed calendar. It is, yeah, it keeps us busy. You're a big dude, you know, Zach's a bigger dude. Is there any activity that someone might bring up for an event, for a Roger Up event? Is there an activity you would shut down because you'd be afraid to embarrass yourself? Ooh.

Look at the size of them, Josh. You'd think he could do anything. I'm six two, two, 45. Would you bow out because you'd say, look, I can't have anybody watch me play blank or whatever it might be? You just said you had no off air. You said you have no interest in running anymore.

No, no. When you're forced to run in the military for four years, especially in the Marine Corps, I just, I have tried that, I would love to have that mental click back in there to be like, yeah, I'm a PT stud. I just, I don't know. I'll get there, but there are three gyms at Magnus, and so I've told myself when the internship starts, I onboard next Friday. When it starts, like, no more excuses, you got to do something.

When you see like the Marines at the State Fair or something like that, and they've got the pull-up bar, what's the minimum you can do where you're not embarrassed in front of a Marine? right now. Not you personally, but like me as a civilian, if I walk up there, I could maybe get through seven and a half. Oh, for God's sake. Josh, so before I went through, nobody can do seven in my life. Okay, I thought maybe I'd be made fun of it. Let me restate that. Your average schmuck can't do seven and a half. No. Jesus, I couldn't do one. I assume that was below average. No, no, no. I think my personal best, I don't think I ever got the 20 to like max out. I might have gotten to 18 after my Afghanistan deployment, but I was just never a pull-up person.

But I could run like crazy. And then I think when I went through the military enlistment processing station, I can't believe I'm telling this. I think I got like one and a half pull-ups before I was able to shoot. Well, because you see, like, I was just basing it on, I'll see people go, maybe it's not fair. Maybe they're already Marines. But you see people go in there, street clothes,

and they're just kicking out 20 of them or more? I swear those are the crossfitters that, like, you know, they do that. And I'm sorry, Kipping is cheating. I'll say it. I hope the text message feed hits me up on that one. But it's in the Marine Corps, if you kip and you kick your legs and that pull up, that doesn't count. That sucks. It really does. Josh, I mean, for God's sake, if you took off your oversized hoodie and basketball shorts, what do you weigh? Like 140 pounds?

145. You should be able to up down, up down. Oh, my God. I was wondering if maybe there's a cutoff where you guys kind of go back and say, who boy, that's a little guys in the Marine car. could sit there like full blown out to the edges and it was just like these like push little and pump them out yeah just watch them you're like god I hate you right now yeah I've heard that from bigger guys who you know we'll say like benching yeah I'll say well yeah but he can bench that but look how short his arms are that doesn't count and I'm I've got a 76 inch

wingspan so to go all the way down and then come back all the way it's not fair it's it's just you know I'm built the way I am that is not freaking fair yeah I mean you'd be all right Josh they would they would well it's good I figured I'd be embarrassed. They'd be watching you in awe. Yeah, you could stand in ovation, Josh. Especially for that half. I think I've mentioned this before.

One of my favorite events to watch, year after year, I would go to BIR for the drag races. And the Marines were usually posted up there somewhere with their pull-up bar and other activities. And you get some of these Jay Brones who have had 15 beers already that walk up to the pool. I mean, we're partying our balls off in the zoo and then a guy wants to try to crack off a few pull-ups.

That you've got to see. I've never seen someone who wasn't good at. Maybe that's why they get up there. Eventually, the Marines just got to kick him in the ass and say, get out of here. We have the founder and CEO of Roger Up in studio, Zach Johnson. A lot going on, lots of events on their calendar,

all the benefit veterans and first responders. A few questions have been texted in for you, Zach. They have. For you, personally, or about Roger Up. the organization. Here's a good one, I thought. Oh, well, maybe you already covered this. Online donations for the cause.

Where do folks go? How do they handle that? Yeah, if you go to rogerup.org, and in the very top, I think right-hand side, it says donate, and you can go through there. PayPal is the best way to do that. Otherwise, you can go down to the bottom. There's the P.O. Box 424. and you can mail check if you want to.

I'll tell you what, the brother and sisterhood are so awesome. You were mentioning off here, they're already donating. Yeah, they're already making donations. I'm getting email notifications with people. We've got a great crowd out there. I'm so thankful for you. No kidding. We are thankful for the listening audience we have.

Thank you. I mean, that is just a testament to how people are. It just warms my heart. This is the kind of energy, like I said. This is where I'm like, gosh, I want to do this on a monthly basis. Because the energy that comes from this is just like fills my cup, overflows it. Isn't this weird, you guys, to see someone in this building who's excited to be here?

That's what makes me nervous when you said monthly. I thought, we're going to ruin him. He's going to hate it after a little bit. He's so bitter and jaded. Look at his face, Ashley. Look how happy he is. The Marine car already ruined me, so, you know, hey. Look at Zach's face.

Now look at Dana's face. Oh, gross. It's the total opposite. There's no light in Dana's eyes anymore. Here is a question that was texted in. that this is the one I was kind of going for. Who helped you? A listener wants to know if, in fact, you struggled at first after your days in the Marine Corps.

Who helped you? So, you know, my story, I'm, you know, that's where that on our sleeves, that semicolon is so near and dear to my heart. When I got out of the Marine Corps, you know, I got hit by 150 to 200 pound IED, killed my turret gunner, Curtis Michael Swenson from Rochester, Minnesota. I do this work to honor him and his family damn cave. I said that last time I was on. Right.

And so those first couple years, I really struggled. Truth of the matter is, I cocked that 9mm a couple times. I wanted to go. I wasn't in a place where I felt that I wanted to live like this. And a lot of it was also, you know, and there's a bunch of veterans that will post, hey, show your pills that you're getting from the VA. I was just on an awful concoction that was not helping. And through my faith, through God's love, through all these different things,

through Dr. Jim Tarilla, who is not only a mentor for me, a team member to Roger up, an inspiration for me, and even meeting with him in session, being able to do that and find my love for the outdoor recreation, like, man, September 19th can't come quick enough. I am so ready to go get out in the woods. I am so excited for hunting and fishing season. That is therapy for me.

And I moved out of the cities about five years ago. And I live on a lake now. And it's like even just to go down on the dock and just cast and get your head clear. And so all those different things. But a lot of times as veterans, when we leave the military, we were a part of a tribe when we were there. And you felt like you were a part of something greater than yourselves. Now you come home and you're going, well, now I'm Joe Schmo. all again. I'm the old man in the

Roman college. All these little kids are 10 years younger. And even now, I mean, I'm yeah, I think the person closest to my age in one of my classes is literally 15 years younger. Little do they know. How much cooler you are than them? You got to go to community

college. You know, I tried that before the military. Who's dirty looking uncle just walked out of it? You go to like a night community college. I did that. I mean, that's how, you know, you feel like the young guy in the room. And that's when I went to Dunwoody and got a degree in construction management right when I got out.

Because, of course, combat engineer, I know construction growing up, like, well, this is just the right path. And I just went, well, at least the people here at the night school at Dunwoody, I'm like, well, we're all in the same boat because we're all either veterans or just a bunch of old, crotchety, whatever. So it was, but now with moving into this mental health stuff. So I just want to encourage people, again, like we have on the back of a lot of our hooded sweatshirts. It is okay to not be okay. It's okay to struggle. And it's okay, especially with being a male. You know, we're supposed to just, hey, suck it up for veterans.

You know, back in the day it was, man, you know what? You got shell shock. You got battlefield fatigue. You got PTSD. Hey, just come to the Legion of VFW. Grab a beer eat of steak. You'll be fine. Okay.

So, you know, it's now it's just, you know, finding your passion in life, finding what really drives you and maybe it is going for it you know put a good plan in place if you're in an employment situation where you're like i hate what i do or i feel like i'm underemployed talk to us about that there's resources out there for veterans even like bunker labs for example they help incubates a veteran to start their own business there's so many of these different types of resources that are available and so once you found your purpose and you find you know what you really love to do and i and i have to the attestment to my team. I have a group of absolute rock stars from Mitch and Sam and our service dog team, our faith and fitness team. The women's program is crushing it right now.

And now with just the belief that it's coming in from a national stance, and there's possibilities even to Texas, Florida, Virginia, South Dakota, and Wisconsin starting chapters. Incredible. I can't imagine the transition you have to make. And it sounds like you answered most of my question. I was going to ask if you could share with people, you know, some of the unique challenges for those that were deployed and they're coming back to regular life and why what you do is so important. Is there more to it or is it pretty, I mean, the way you described is pretty perfect? No, there's, there's, there's pictures, there's a, there's a book that somebody did where they took pictures of veterans before they deployed while

they were deployed and after they were deployed. And you look at their eyes and you're like, Wow, it's visual. Even if you Google it, you can see these three different eye patterns and the differences in them. And it's like, so now, you know, you've gotten all geared up. You're all jacked up, ready to go get in the fight. You're scared because it's going to be in a war zone. Now you're on a heightened alert. You're constantly head on a swivel, on edge for, you know, whatever the duration of your deployment is. And now you come back and it's, you know, some of the training stuff wasn't the greatest for decompression. And even to go. go home, you know, you're supposed to go home

then after your deployments and just like, you know, relax, chill out. Well, you're only home for 10 days, maybe two weeks and everybody wants to see you. So it's kind of chaotic with families and stuff like that. Or maybe you're coming back and it's not the greatest household to come back to. Maybe you're coming back

and Jody came by while you were gone and now you're going to have to go through a divorce. There's a lot of different stuff that can happen. We'll tell you what, Zach. What you do is very special. Thank you. And the appreciation that our list audience alone are showing for what you and Roger Up do is it's off the charts. We support you and what you do. And we're just happy that Roger Up is constantly growing and evolving because,

I mean, the more, the merrier. And thank you for giving us your time. I mean, you could go on any platform you wanted and talk about this. This is where I want to be. Like I said, the first time, man, I've been here since I was 15, 16 years old listening. And I, I, You know, it's the first time being in here and being able to come back and getting to know all of you has just been beyond a dream come true. Right back at you. And by the way, those little service dogs that you were showing us pictures of a minute ago. Yeah. If one of them doesn't have what it takes and it would maybe be a better fit as a radio studio dog.

You just give us a telephone call. Or I could just call Kelly up at Quick Trigger Kennels. I mean, she's got, gosh, I don't even know how many dogs in the house right now. But, yeah, that's where we get all of ours from. And she is 34 years in law enforcement. We made it all the way up to FBI. Oh, badass. Oh, badass.

Oh, she's, yeah, badass. We'll take that radio studio, dog, if it ain't going to cut it with Roger. I'll make a phone call on the way home. Hey, buddy, have a great weekend. Thanks again for everything. Hey, God bless you guys. Before we go, happy early birthday to Kai, whose golden birthday is on Monday, turning the Big 07.

Hope it's a great one and hope to see people at the fair today about 10 a.m. 93x half-assed morning show. Hey podcast friends. It's Dana here. I'm a smart club member of standard heating and air conditioning. I think you should join me. I don't mean to be that guy, but as Minnesones, we know what season's coming up. Getting your furnace tune up before the cold weather hits is just smart.

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