American Presidents: Totalus Rankium - 20.2 James Garfield

Episode Date: November 2, 2019

Garfield is now president and is ready to deal with all the issues facing modern America. We spend this episode looking into how he deals with the corruption that is rife within the political - Hang on! What’s that!?    Looks like we have something else to focus on this episode…

Welcome to Totalus Rankium, this week, James Garfield R2. Hello and welcome to American Presidents Total Spookium! I am Jamie. And I'm Rob, ranking all of the presidents from Washington to Trump. And this is episode 20.2 James Garfield. And it's nearly Halloween, or in fact, when this is released, it's probably just after Halloween. Halloween's Thursday. Yes. Brexit day, remember? Yeah, of course. Yeah, so this is a couple of days after Halloween, actually, but most people are probably listening to this, like, in the future, and it's not relevant. Yeah.

But I still enjoyed the intro. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, so that was good. So, obviously, because of the spooky content, just imagine Garfield wearing white face paint. Yeah. Or he's headless. There you go, no head.

Yeah, he's just a ghost the whole way through. Yeah, there you go. There we go. Spooky. We'll see if there's any spookium in this episode that's what we're doing there isn't is there no that's not all right um but there might be there might be crowboss i'm in yeah so history are you ready to start yes okay can i pick a color again i'll go on and pick a color i mean i'm so enjoying this yeah um oh you know that really horrible yellow

it's not quite yellow but it's not quite brown. It's sort of like in-between colour. Yeah. That. Okay. You see a flash of that flashing past your screen, and then another flash of a slightly different colour. That's not a cop-out.

This works. You see another flash of a different colour, and then another flash, and you realise these lights are flashing by a blurry screen and the screen's coming more into focus and you realise you're really tight shot here. On a banana. Not a banana, no. No. A bullet.

Ooh. Yes. Oh, it does sort of work then, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it works. Yeah. Damn it! It works quite well. And the bullet is rotating ever so slowly because it's moving, but oh so slowly. As in it looks like it's been thrown and it's spinning. No, no, no, as in rifle motion.

Oh, it's been fired. It's been fired. This is a bullet soaring through the air, but super slow. Okay. Yeah. And you can hear really, really muffled the ringing of a telephone. Yeah, we're going arty this week. That's actually pretty good.

And now, slowly become less muffled. And then smash cut to someone picking up a telephone. Hello, Alexander Bell speaking. Yeah. Oh, dear. Oh, of course I can help. I'll be there right away. Slam down phone, cut to black, James Garfield, part two.

Is it Alexander Graham Bell? Yeah. Why? Intrigued? A little bit. Yeah? Let's do it. Artsy black and white weird sound effects.

Yeah. Spooky. Spooky. Was it a president or a Roman one that we did last Halloween? I can't remember. I think it was Roman. I think it was Roman. I remember a lot of things being spooky.

Yeah. Right. Anyway, Garfield. He's the president-elect. Aw. The Stowalts and Conkling had held their noses long enough for Garfield to squeak through the election, if you remember. Beep. Yes, that's the sound they made.

But now Garfield was elected president, he now needed to deal with the fact that his party were incredibly split and he has to form a cabinet. His first decision, many people saw coming, he was going to give the top job, the Secretary of State job, to Blaine of Maine. Oh.

Leader of the Halfbreeds. After all, he had won the nomination due to the backing of the Halfbreeds, and he wasn't about to turn his back on them. Good. However, this was only going to ever annoy the stalwarts. Yeah. So he's going to have to balance that out, isn't he? Yeah. Well, Blaine had

plenty of advice for Garfield on how Garfield should deal with the stalwarts. In fact, I'll quote him here. Kill them all! No. Oh, okay. Not father. Of course, it would not be wise to make war on them. Indeed, it would

be folly. They must not be knocked down with bludgeons. They must have their throats cut with a feather. Okay, like gentle, very, very gentle, passive-aggressive sort of. Bury them, but do it nicely. And historians have often taken this to be figurative, but I really hope he was being literal. What feather? Because a peacock would be bigger so

you get more use out of it you've got longer strokes yeah but a pigeon feather i'll take ages it would but blaine had a lot of feathers so yeah more feathers to his cap yes now as you can imagine conkling he's a bit furious at the moment yeah Yeah, the old eye's twitching. He let it be known that one of his men had best get the Secretary of Treasury post to just even things up. Otherwise, by George, he will be displeased. Then, a representative of Conkling turned up at Garfield's home.

Hello. Yeah, just to let the President-elect just know that Conkling was the only one who could keep Garfield, and I quote, sustainable. Nice. Yeah, well, what are you doing? Stop cozying up to the half-breeds. Garfield, also not happy about this.

There's a lot of tension. He replied, I will not permit this four years to be used to secure the next for anybody else. This is my presidency. I'm going to do with it what I will, damn it. Nice. Yeah. Then, not long after this, in an editorial for the New York Tribune,

which was clearly written by Blaine, everyone knew it was Blaine, but what people weren't sure about was whether it had Garfield's blessing as well. Yeah. And it said the following. The incoming administration will see to it that men from New York and other states who had the courage at Chicago to obey the wishes

of their districts in the balloting for the new president and who finally voted for Garfield shall not lose by it. The administration will not permit its friends to be persecuted for their friendship. We're not taking any bleep from Conkling's faction.

That's interesting. They're standing his ground. They are. Conkling, both eyes twitching by this point. You okay, sir? It looks bad. Yeah. He pushed back, again letting it be known that he fully expected

positions in the cabinet for his men. He didn't want any of himself. Of course not. He was a sort of backroom kind of guy. Puppet master. Yeah. He wanted some of his men in the cabinet. So the Battle of Wills really heat up between the two faction leaders. Garfield kind of gets stuck

in the middle. Starts becoming a bit fed up by it all. After numerous drafts, he finally decided on one position, one that no one would argue with, the War Secretary. Yeah. Lincoln. That'll do. Let's put Lincoln in. Everyone loves Lincoln.

Oh. Yes. Obviously not Abraham Lincoln. I was just going to ask. Yeah. No. This is his son, Robert Todd Lincoln. Okay. Yes, who you may remember from Lincoln's episode. Oh, no. He's the son who didn't die.

Ah, yes. And the other son that didn't die. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, there you go. Well, at least it wasn't a posthumous sort of position, I believe. No. But, like, it's hard in the republican party to to disagree with putting

a lincoln into a position so well yeah that went down all right but conkling's still not happy so eventually realizing he's got to give something to the stalwarts garfield offered conkling for one of his men to be the navy secretary get to clean the boats at weekends. Yes. Conkling found this insulting. The Navy secretary was not as prestigious as some posts. Anyway, slowly the positions start to fill up and Conkling rejected any offer as insulting. And eventually there was only the postmaster slot available. In charge of the mail.

Yeah. Oh. Which now sounds really pathetic, but back then was actually not too bad. Yeah, of the mail. Yeah. Oh. Which now sounds really pathetic, but back then was actually not too bad. Yeah, I can imagine. Yes, but it's still not up there with the top. Garfield went directly to a conkling man and offered him the job. But this was a man named Thomas James, who was very much a conkling man from New York, but he also had a bit of an independent streak about him and also did his job fairly well, as far as Garfield was concerned. So he thought this was a good choice.

Conkling will be pleased, but also I've got someone who I like. Yeah. However, Thomas James accepted the job before Conkling had even heard about this. So Conkling just thought that Garfield had gone over his head. Oh. Yeah. He's never happy, is he? No. No, he's really not.

And also, you can't really go over Conkling's head. Conkling doesn't have a say in this. Well, yeah. Legally. But that's the way the factions worked. So, Conkling unhappy, but Garfield could now say that he had given something to the faction. Look, there was a Conkling man right there.

He's the postmaster. He's wearing his postman hat and his postman wings. Yeah, all good. But at the same time, he didn't look browbeaten by the New York faction. So Garfield played this quite well. As you can imagine, though, Conkling just more and more angry as time was going on, so much so that he and the vice president-elect, if you remember, that is Arthur. Arthur what?

His surname is Arthur. Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought Arthur was his first name. No, no, no, his name is Chester Arthur. Oh, what a ridiculous name. Yeah. So he and the vice president-elect, Arthur, arrived at Garfield's house,

and Conkling essentially shouted at Garfield for over an hour to really let it be known how he felt right then. Conkling just bawling at the president. Yeah. He's not president yet. President-elect, sorry. But yeah, Garfield refused to apologise, however. And the matter just went nowhere.

However, Garfield became convinced that Conkling was more damaging to the party than anything else. Yeah. So in the end, the cabinet was heavily half-breed, leading to many being upset in the party. The half-breeds were happy, but the stalwarts obviously were outraged, and those in the middle perhaps wanted a bit more balance. Yeah. There were many insinuations that this was actually Blaine's government and Garfield was a puppet.

Ooh. Yeah. Interesting. But you can make your decision's government and Garfield was a puppet. Ooh. Yeah. Interesting. But you can make your decision on that when we get to the end. Okay. Anyway, it was a snowy March day when Garfield was inaugurated. The crowd was, as ever, a fairly big one. And Garfield's mother was in the audience.

Aww. Which is interesting because she, apparently, is the first mother to see her son become president. Oh, that's depressing. That is depressing, isn't it? We're quite far in. Yeah. Yeah, we've had 19 others. But yeah, there we go.

Well, there we go. Bet she was waving a flag and everything. Yeah. Anyway, he gave a speech that lasted just over half an hour. That's a good length for an inauguration speech, I think. How can you talk for that amount of time? What can you say? I could deal with half an hour. That's a good length for inauguration speech, I think. How can you talk for that amount of time? What can you say? I could deal with half an hour.

I think anything longer than half an hour, you just, no, there's no need. I remember Trump's speech, it was only about 20 minutes, wasn't it? I think it was more like 40. Was it? But I can't remember. You didn't see that long.

Maybe I just switched off. Quite possibly. Yeah, but it's in the same ballpark, yeah. Okay. We're certainly not talking Harrison lengths of speech here. 17 hours. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, the speech goes down in history as being very mediocre and not particularly interesting.

Yeah, apparently there's nothing much to write about. Going to do stuff, wars over. Yeah. Everything seems to be tickety-boo. Yeah, pretty much. Then there was a military parade through the city, which is nice. A party was thrown. It was picked up again, just to down, and everyone had a good time.

Garfield went to bed at one o'clock in the morning, apparently. Oh, that's quite late. That's quite late. Didn't get much sleep. Woke up early the next day, and he found himself in the White House ready to lead the country into a new golden age. That's the plan. Yeah, it's always a plan, isn't it? It's always the plan. What Garfield found, however, was the same as all previous presidents.

A constant stream of office seekers. Anyone who thought that they deserved a job for any reason whatsoever would attempt to go straight to the top and get the president to wave his hand and of office seekers. Anyone who thought that they deserved a job for any reason whatsoever would attempt to go straight to the top and get the president to wave his hand and create the position for them. Yeah, every president we've covered so far has had to deal with this and every president has hated it.

I've probably mentioned it a few times because it's constantly there in the background. I've never really gone into it. But yeah, Garfield in particular really despised this. He felt he could get nothing done because every waking moment was just people bumping into him in corridors. Oh, hello, sir. Yeah, just happened to be waiting in certain rooms, for example. One man at this time, in fact, simply presented a speech that was written during the campaign in support of Garfield to the president. So it was written out, here's the speech that I wrote for your campaign.

This man had circled his own name, because he had offered it, so his name was on the front, Charles E. Too. And then he'd drawn a line, and then he'd circled the words Paris Consulship, and just handed it to Garfield. And I kind of, here you go, look, I wrote a speech, give me the job. Oh. Yeah. That's that. In 2000, give me the job. Oh. Yeah. That's that. In 2000 I got this job. Yeah, yeah.

Garfield said he'd read it, took it and then went on to the next in the long line of people asking things of him. That would be annoying. However. No. Don't go with Garfield. Right. Just stay on the image of that man for a moment. Just. Just for a second longer than really necessary. Okay. Okay. Right. Just stay on the image of that man for a moment. Just for a second longer than really necessary.

Okay. Okay. Right. Eventually, Garfield was able to start thinking about running the country. You're looking confused. Yeah. Don't worry. What does he look like?

Don't know. But you did make a note of his name, didn't you? Guido. Yeah, there we go. What was it? Harold. Harry. Charles. Charles. Charles? Guido. Yeah, there we go. What was it? Harold. Harry. Charles.

Charles. Close enough. Anyway, Garfield's thinking about how he's going to run the country. He and his cabinet worked on reducing the interest on public debts. The economy's still a bit of a mess since the war. They still need to sort this out. But they actually do a fairly good job with this quite quickly. A bit of financial maneuvering of bonds

which i'm not going to go into because we don't need to know the details it would take far too long to try and explain all we need to know right now is that they saved the treasury over 10 million dollars back then that'd have been like yeah loads and this simply was by just doing some maneuvering of bonds and cashing things in and then reselling them slightly differently. Basically, figures were moved around. Yeah, yeah. And they saved a buckload of cash. So, John, take this rubber.

Take some razor. Rub out that line. Brilliant. Now add a one in there. And decimal point. Move it over a bit. There we go. Okay.

Saved £10 million. Easy. Yeah, pretty much. That's how it went. Nice. So there you go. That's good. Obviously good for the government,

but possibly more importantly for Garfield. The masterminds behind this were his choices for the Treasury Secretary and his Attorney General. Right. These were two men who Blaine had not wanted in the positions. Because Blaine felt that they were too close to Conkling. Yeah. Garfield suddenly found himself on a slightly stronger footing.

Those people who were saying, you're just a Blaine puppet, well, now he could point at two men who were closer to Conkling and go, no, no, they're doing the good work here, and I asked them to do it. Not the half-breeds. So he's starting to find a middle ground, perhaps. Then, international developments, because the United States have been inward-looking for a while. They've been busy, what with the whole Civil War and then Reconstruction.

There's not been much time to think about outside the United States. So Garfield kind of looks around and realises the rest of the world's ticking over still. That's right. He should probably take some kind of interest. So he let it be known that if that canal gets built through Central America that everyone keeps talking about, it's definitely going to be the US that does that.

And Britain kind of went... This is the one that mentions the Panama Canal. Yeah, but it's still not there. But it's still ticking over. Didn't that get finished in the 1920s or something? It was really late. 2017, I believe. They extended it.

They made it wider last year. Did they? Yeah, they widened it. Oh, wow. They just tied a couple of horses in the opposite direction. And just pulled. Yeah. Nice.

That's good. Water will go down there. It's in the sea, so. Oh, sorry, I wasn't thinking. You'd get a mountain rage in the North and South America, though. Anyway, not only is Garfield just discussing the possibility of that canal, he's also got his eyes on Hawaii. Ooh.

And yes, it has been discovered. I was just thinking that. Yes, because in previous episodes, you have expressed disbelief that anyone knows that Hawaii exists. But it's literally in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. You'd have to accidentally bump into it. And what are the odds? Well, the odds were good enough, clearly. It's ridiculous.

No, people know about Hawaii. And Garfield realised whoever owned the only substantial island in the middle of the Pacific had a huge strategic advantage over the ocean. In fact, I'll quote him here. The condition of the Hawaiian kingdom is such as to give us a good deal of anxiety. The king has started on a voyage around the world,

and it is feared that he is contemplating either the sale of the islands or some commercial treaty with European powers, which would embarrass the United States. Yeah, so... We want to get there first. Yeah, essentially. So, he sent one of his childhood friends to be the Minister of Hawaii. So the old boys' network for getting jobs

is still very much up and running. As much as the Star Waltz were worried that it would disappear. Thank goodness. Whilst this was going on, however, the never-ending scandals of the time continued to surface. Once Garfield became president, Blaine met with him one day and warned him

that there was a potential scandal in the post office that could damage the president. Post office scandal? Oh, yeah. Did he order dodgy, like, dirty woodcuts? I wish it was, because that's far more exciting than the actual scandal. But probably would have cost the country less. Okay.

Yeah. There'd been rumours of a corruption and fraud ring in the post office since Grant's presidency. This wasn't new. Everyone kind of knew it was going on. And yet again, it's a complex scandal, which we don't need to go into in detail. But to sum up, there were some in the post office that were overcharging for some of the routes in the United States to be covered. These were the difficult out-of-the-way routes. So it's that one cabin owned by the mad guy with the beard halfway up one of the mountains.

I'm with you. Kind of things. Yeah. These routes were all denoted with an asterisk or a star next to their names i know what asterisk is no no no reason why i'm saying star is the scandal is called the star route fraud that's why i'm saying star that wasn't me over explaining what an asterisk is thank you yeah so it's called the star route fraud because the post office would charge the government a huge sum to cover these routes.

And because they were slightly different, it was harder to look into. For example, in one case, one of the routes cost the government $50,000 per day to be covered in the year. And it was discovered that not a single thing had been delivered on that route for over a month and a half. Yeah. that not a single thing had been delivered on that route for over a month and a half. Ah. Yeah. This was corruption that ran so deep and was so obvious that the only way it could work is if there were a lot of people in government high up who knew exactly what was going on. Because you couldn't just hide this money.

It's too obvious. It's very obvious. So, yeah. Now, Blaine, assuming Conkling was in on this, I mean, it Now Blaine, assuming Conkling was in on this, I mean it was obvious corruption, surely Conkling was in on it, really pushed for Garfield to crack down on it hard. So Garfield ordered his postmaster, his new postmaster, and his attorney general to look into it.

And a few weeks later, postmaster James came back to Garfield. With new rings and new clothes. No, no. Oh. Yeah, because he didn't come back saying, it's fine, I couldn't find anything. He came back to Garfield and said, this is bigger than any of us realised. This is, like,

big corruption. He got at his corruption scale. Oh, no. It's like, not big, big. Oh, and this is definitely on the bigger side. Yeah, it's a very binary scale. Yeah, whereas in a young country still. Yeah, exactly. Nuances haven't quite been discovered yet.

But yeah, it's definitely a big scandal. And it was not good. That was another chart that they... Garfield stroking his beard. Hmm, yes, now I see. It's not good and it's big. Well, the shocking thing, however, much to Blaine's disgust, it was not Conkling who was behind this.

Ah, son of a... Drop the inquiry. Not interesting. Yeah, I mean, Conkling certainly had fingers in many pies, but not this one. Instead, it was Garfield's presidential campaign manager and one of his primary fundraisers, who were two of the chief architects.

Like, how embarrassing would that be? You've got a campaign to be president and people in your team are doing something illegal. Yeah. Yeah. A court has indicted that. It must be humiliating. Well, Postmaster James and the Attorney General asked Garfield, what do we do here, sir?

Because are we proceeding with this? Because this could hurt you. Garfield paused and then he paced the room for a bit and then he paused some more and then he turned and said, and I quote, go ahead regardless of where and whom you hit. I direct you not only to probe this to the bottom, but to cut it out.

Probe the bottom and cut it. Oh, yes. There you go. He's going after them. That's quite good. Yeah, no, that's good. Yeah, you discover the campaign manager's doing something illegal. You don't just back him anyway.

No. No. And deny our knowledge that you knew him. You just go in there. It makes you look better. Say, yes, I had that person, but I'm now sorting the problem out. And that's why he's doing it, isn't he? Well, you can judge for yourself. It's around this time that Conkling came to pay the president a visit. Probably. Hello, sir. Well, probably in a slightly smug way, sort of smiling at Blaine as he walked past.

That one wasn't me. Loser. Well, he was coming to visit because it was time to sort out several federal jobs in the state of New York. And Conkling just wanted to be clear exactly who got those jobs. Namely, anyone who had voted for Garfield in Chicago needed to be out of the country. Oh, what? Yes. Conkling wanted to give anyone who had voted for garfield jobs abroad ah it's like seriously get rid of them garfield clearly would was not happy with this and um wrote in his diary later i said they did not deserve exile but rather a place in the affairs

of their own state which sounds good yeah sounds Yeah. Sounds like it stood up for everyone. Oh dear. But shortly afterwards, when Garfield put forth a list of names for ratification to the Senate, it was a list completely comprised of Conkling's men. Oh. Yeah, like Garfield capitulated completely.

Blaine, worried that he was losing control of the president, immediately went to visit Garfield. He let it be known that Garfield's actions would be seen as him capitulating to a faction within the party he was supposed to be the head of. Because that's what you've just done, sir. Yeah. It looks that way because that is the way. Yes.

So Garfield wrote in his diary later, I have broken Blaine's heart with the appointments I made today. He regards me as having surrendered to Conkling. I've not, but I don't know that I've acted too hastily. The next day, he sent word to the Senate. He was going to put forth another name. This was the name of one of Conkling's chief rivals in New York, someone who Conkling despised.

His name was Robinson, and he was going to suggest him for the best job going. So he capitulated to Conkling, but then right at the end just went, oh, and then give his rival a job, just to try and make it look like he wasn't. Not very successful, I feel. Yeah, it's not great. But Garfield seems to think this is a turning point. He's definitely going after Conkling now. He was silly to think that he had Conkling on his side.

Yeah. So he's going after the corrupt senator. In fact, I quote him here, This brings on the contest at once and will settle the question of whether the president is a registering clerk of the Senate or the executive of the United States. So yeah, he's going to take out the Star Wars. That's what he's going to do. He's decided. He's chosen his side.

He's going to take out the Star Wars. That's what he's going to do. He's decided. He's chosen his side. He wrote that it was not on that the port that collected 90% of the custom duties for the entire country be owned by one faction leader. Yeah, I'd agree with that. Yeah. So, the battle is on.

Oh. Postmaster James and the Attorney General soon showed themselves to be far more Conkling's men than Garfield even realised. Because they turned up at the White House and resigned. Ooh. Yeah. That's not good. No. No.

Garfield realised immediately that this would show he has no actual power within his own cabinet, and that Conkling could snap his fingers and the whole thing would fall apart. You could offer as a firing, though, couldn't you? Ah, well, he decided not to go that route. Instead, he spoke to them both and talked about how they are both too important to the country and that their allegiance was to the United States, not to Conkling.

Fair point. Amazingly, this works. Both men stayed in their jobs. Do you think he did it in a really kind of school mastery kind of way while they're looking down at their feet? Who do you work for? The United States. And who are you not working for yeah i don't know it's strange that he managed to convince them i can't help but wonder if um a bit of lubrication was used oh i don't think it's that kind of fiscal

oh oh fiscal lubrication physical yeah i don't. But there's nothing to suggest I read that. But it does seem weird they just changed their minds. But who knows? Maybe Garfield was persuasive. And he does have a point. Yeah. He really does. So maybe they were just...

I just assume everyone's corrupt at this period. I think that's my problem. Anyway, they stay in their jobs, which is a huge win for Garfield. Yes. Around this time, Garfield went to church. Good. He sat on a pew that he usually sat on, and a loud young man he vaguely recognised was shouting from the back.

In fact, he wrote in his diary later, a dull young man with a loud voice trying to pound noise into the question, what think ye of Christ? So it's just a man shouting at the back. Anyway, Garfield left the church, but let him go. Let him walk out. And instead, just notice how this young man

is looking just where the president was sitting. You vaguely recognise the man. Anyway, meanwhile, the press had got wind of the fight that was going on within the party. Is Abraham Lincoln? No, it's not. The nomination for Robertson was being held up in the Senate. So remember, this is Conkling's rival in New York who Garfield wants to give a job to.

Yeah, yeah. And the press speculated on who would come out on top here. If Robertson got the job, it would show that Conkling has lost power. The all-way round shows that Garfield's lost power. It all rested on whether Robinson got this job. Conkling pulled all the strings he could to put pressure on Garfield, but Garfield refused to budge.

Chester Arthur, the vice president, had refused to talk to Garfield for some weeks at this point. But now he came to visit the president to let him know he is destroying the Republican Party in New York, to which Garfield replied that this was only true if Conkling and Arthur let it be so. Stop fighting me because you're the ones destroying the party, not me. Arthur, outraged by this, went to a newspaper and told them,

I'll quote here, Garfield has not been square, nor honourable, nor truthful. It is a hard thing to say of the President of the United States, but it is, unfortunately, only the truth. This is his own Vice President. That's quite brutal.

Yeah, talking to a newspaper, so that was quoted and written down. Yeah, not good. An unhappy Garfield banned his own vice president from entering the White House. Wow. Yeah. Now, it's during this intense political infighting that personal events took over Garfield's thoughts. Because Lucretia, his wife, suddenly became ill.

Oh, oh no. Malaria. Oh gosh. Yeah. My anxiety for her dominates all my thoughts and makes me feel that I am fit for nothing. Oh. The doctor did all he could and assured Garfield that Lucretia would be fine after arrest. However, wanting a second opinion, Garfield called for none other than Silas Boynton.

That's a great name. Yeah. We have come across him before, because this was the cousin of Garfield, the one that he nearly accidentally killed with an axe in his youth. Oh! Yeah. Wonderful. Yes. He's a doctor now, so he came

along and he helped out. Oh, nice. Yeah. Hopefully not harbouring a grudge. Yes. Silas agreed with the previous doctor, but suggested maybe Lucretia get out of Washington for a bit better air in the countryside. Go and check out New Jersey shoreline or something like that. Anyway, as soon as Lucretia was well enough to move, the couple were escorted to the train station and boarded a train to Alberon, where the two spent most of June. Aww.

Yeah. However, you got them on the train. They're just boarding the train to leave. Stay on the platform. Train moves. It's going off. Has the train gone? Not yet. It's a long train. Okay. Let me know when it's gone. Okay.

We're about halfway through. Okay. That's a long train. It is a long train, yeah. Almost there. And we're done. Good, right, so the train's gone. Hang on, there's smoke blocking the... Oh, that's fine, that works, actually.

Oh, okay. Yeah, because the train's gone, and then a shadow that you didn't even notice before, perhaps because of all the smoke, suddenly moves, and a man walks out of the shadows and down the platform. Anyway, at the end of June, it was clear that Lucretia was on the mend. Good. Yeah, it's good.

And Garfield felt safe to come back to the White House. He left Lucretia behind to carry on getting rest, and then came back to Washington to work for about a week or so. That was the plan. Because then he was going to go on a tour to some of the northern cities. When he was back in the capital, he appointed some foreign consuls, which is nice. And he also named Blaine's son as the third assistant to the Secretary of State. Third assistant.

Yeah, so again, nice to know that the whole merit-based appointments is going well. Yes. That night, Garfield left the White House all alone. Because they wouldn't have had, like, um... Because now the president can't go anywhere on their own, can they? No. Even when they leave office. Yeah, whereas at this point, Garfield just walks out the White House,

Even when they leave office. Yeah, whereas at this point, Garfield just walks out the White House, cheerfully waves to the doorman, and just wanders through the streets of Washington on his own. He walks past a doorway. Let him go past. Look at the doorway. And then back, back.

We're back with the present. It's fine. It's just a doorway. I'm not quite sure what you're doing. So, this ominous feeling, you're either building up to be absolutely nothing, which you've done before. So I don't trust you anymore. Yes, I have. It's like the work of a bully.

That's what you are. Or something very bad's going to happen to Garfield, which I've not heard about. Let's continue, shall we? Let's find out. So still walking with him on his own through the streets of washington yeah suddenly there was a loud noise it's fine it was just like a bin being knocked over all right it's nothing at all garfield like looked around but it's fine

i've just now got like a got like film noir style oh yeah yeah it's definitely like that knocks it over cat yeah runs away there's a twinkling of violins being tuned yeah but then you realize he's just walking past an alleyway where there's just some like men with violins yeah yeah so that's fine and they're just tuning it's fine yeah um then there's a scream but that's fine someone's stopped their toe someone's it's fine it. It's okay. He makes it to Blaine's house. Absolutely fine. Oh, good. Thank goodness. He's just about to press the doorbell when he decides to knock the door instead.

So he knocks the door and Blaine opens the door and he's invited in. The two talk about the ongoing fight with Conkling and the Vice President Arthur and just how awful the stalwarts are. Garfield asked that if Arthur ever be in his presence again, then could Blaine be there as well?

I don't trust myself to be alone with the man, the kind of thing. He was very angry with him. Anyway, it was then time to leave. The two men decide to walk together. Blaine offers to walk Garfield back to the White House. So they leave the house, arm in arm, through the streets once more. Those guys tuning the violins are still there. Yeah.

But this time, full-on psycho. Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Death! There's someone with a wobble board. Yeah. there's someone with a wobble board yeah they walk past a train terminal and just the word terminal

is just flashed up gravestone shop yes R.I.P. Garland yes exactly for sale and then they get to the White House it's fine

good Blaine agreed that he would meet the president in the morning and they'd go to the station together. Because remember, Garfield's doing a tour of the North the next day. You're doing this, it's Halloween, aren't you? Exactly. Exactly. Spooky.

It is spooky. Garfield enters the White House and Blaine heads home. But stay on the door. Because then a figure approaches. We've seen this figure a couple of times before he walks straight up to the doorman and asks when the president will be departing in the morning the doorman cheerfully announced that garfield will be heading to board the 9 30 train on his own no guards yeah the the man asking the question cackles a bit and then

says they will rue the day they They'll all rue the day. And then walks off. And the doorman's happy as Larry with this. It's fine. He's got the weekend off. He's thinking about that. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's just such a different time.

But yeah, apparently the doorman's more than happy just to... Could you remind me which artery's the jugular? Anyway. Do you offer a knife sharpening service? Night passes without incident. You'll be relieved to know. I want tenterhooks here. The next morning, Blaine picks up Garfield in a carriage and they head to the station

where they were going to meet the Secretary of the Navy, the Postmaster and the War Secretary Lincoln. The two of them get out of their carriage, and they walk past a police officer who assured them that they had ten minutes until the train was due to leave, no need to rush. They enter the ladies' waiting room, which is not a waiting room for ladies. It is a waiting room that ladies are allowed to be in.

Oh. Yes, yes. Misogyny of the day. Anyway, this waiting room was a large room. It was mostly empty, a handful of the day. Anyway, this waiting room was a large room. It was mostly empty, handful of waiting passengers. Garfield strode halfway across the room when suddenly, you're looking dubious, there was a loud crack. An old lady stood up and go, oh my lady. Oh dear. Well, Garfield flinched at the sound and then realised that his arm stung slightly.

Then, before Garfield could really do anything, the second shot rang out. Garfield would have felt it punch into his lower back. Ooh. Yeah. Blaine saw the president fall and then turned to see none other than Guiteau fleeing the room. The speech guy? Yeah, the guy who wanted a job. Oh.

Yeah. No. Guiteau ran right into the police officer who had just given them the time outside. He was quickly apprehended, did not put up much of a fight, and declared, I did it and I will go to jail for it. I am a Stowalt and Arthur shall be president. No. Oh yeah.

Meanwhile, Blaine was attempting to figure out what on earth was going on. An attendant was sent to the platform, just through the doors to where the other members of the cabinet were standing. Postmaster James, upon hearing that the president was shot, replied, There was no joke in a thing like that. However, he, Hunt and Lincoln were soon convinced that this isn't a joke. Seriously, he's in that room and he's bleeding to death. No, they're the guy. Come on, stop messing around. It's not Garfield trying to pull him up. Come on. It's not April. Come on. Yes, you can feel your legs. Come on. Well, they did rush into the next room

to see Garfield lying in an ever-expanding pool of blood. Word was sent for a doctor. Any doctor just gets somewhere here quickly. A hay mattress was pulled out from a storeroom nearby and Garfield was rolled onto it. So he had something more comfortable to lie on. Shards of hay poking into your gunshot wound. Yeah.

Nice. We'll get to that. By this time, Smith Townsend, a half-officer who lived in the city, arrived. He found Garfield dazed and with barely a pulse. So Townsend quickly demanded two things, brandy and ammonia spirit. Is that to pull the bullet out? Well, they were quickly found from nearby shops and Townsend mixed the ammonia spirit with the brandy

and poured it into Garfield's mouth. Ammonia? Smelling salt spirit made of ammonia, yeah. That's not healthy. He figured it would revive him. Um, for how long? Well, Garfield did come round. Well, you would, wouldn't you? You really would.

Bloody hell, what's this? Yeah, he came round enough to complain about a prickling sensation in his right leg. It's the ammonia. Townsend then turned the president on his side and with his finger inserted it into the bullet wound.

Like warm apple pie. I did nothing further than to remove with my finger a small clot of blood, he wrote later. But as much as he probed with his finger, he could not find the bullet. With his clean finger. With his clean finger. You might want to start a tally here. Oh no. He told Garfield that it was not serious. He'd be fine. Garfield merely shook his head. Garfield realised this is serious.

Anyway, it was decided to move the president to a more private location, so he was carried up the stairs. To the pig farm. Up the stairs to a side room. On the mattress. Garfield passed out once more, and then vomited. Sir Townsend gave him more ammonia brandy.

Good. Good, that makes sense. And by this point, the head surgeon of a nearby hospital arrived. This is a man named Charles Purvis. Interestingly, one of the few African-Americans in the profession. Oh, wow. Yes, you obviously didn't get many black doctors at this time, but Charles Purvis was one of them,

so he clearly was good, because you had to be good. He looked at the wound and ordered straight away that Garfield be given more brandy. Just plain brandy this time. Let's get rid of the weird ammonia stuff. Just give him brandy and put hot water bottles around his leg, because it's a bit

cold and clammy. Lincoln, by this time, had sent for a man he hoped could help. This was a man named Dr Bliss. Good name. Oh, you don't realise how good this name is. Because when I say his name is Dr Bliss, I mean literally his name is Dr Bliss. Oh, his first name is Dr? Yeah, his full name is Dr Willard Bliss. Wow, that's some high expectations from parents there, isn't it? Well, I looked... Pigeonholing, I feel.

I looked into this because who the hell is called Doctor? He was named Doctor after the man who would help deliver him. Seriously? Do you want to know the name of the man who delivered him? Go on. Samuel Willard. But, I mean, his parents obviously asked him what man who delivered him? Go on. Samuel Willard. But, I mean, his parents obviously asked him what his name was, and he said Dr. Samuel Willard.

Oh, my goodness. So they named their child Dr. Willard Bliss. Anyway, obviously there was only one thing that a boy called Doctor could become, and that was a doctor. So his name is Dr. Dr. Bliss. Double D. Oh, yes. We'll be talking about Dr. Dr. Bliss a lot for the rest of the episode. Good. Yeah. He stays

around. So Dr. Dr. Bliss was an army surgeon. Okay. Yes. In the war and now was surgeon-in-chief to the US Army's Armory Hospital in Washington. Right. He was considered an expert in gunshot wounds because he'd seen a few. Well, yeah.

Yeah. Bliss arrived and immediately turned the president onto his side and inserted his little finger all the way into the wound. Like the whole little finger. Oh. Yeah. little finger all the way into the wound like the whole little finger oh yeah finding nothing he pulled out a metal probe a long metal probe with a bulbous end oh i saw that uh you know the episode of deadwood oh yeah the first episode yeah a guy gets shot in the head and he's still alive and uh doctor the uh what his name doctor whatever he uses a long metal probe and just pokes it through the skull worm tongue yes worm tongue yeah yeah uh yes yeah it looks a bit like that i know the one you mean um yeah that's that's how i'm picturing it yeah so he pulls one of those out

and uh he pops that into the bullet hole as well he determined that a rib had been shattered but could not find the bullet he then went to remove the probe, but it had got stuck. Oh. Yeah. So, Dr Bliss was forced to press down on Garfield's chest to remove some of the pressure and then sort of wedge it back out again. Bliss then,

to the horror of Dr Purvis, who's still there, got out a second probe, this time a curved one. Purvis objected's still there, got out a second probe, this time a curved one. Purvis objected to this, saying perhaps the president had been probed enough. Bliss ignored this and had a good rummage. I guess if he's hit a rib, it might have deflected, so it's gone up. Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

He probed, and I quote, in several directions. Oh. And of course, the fact that none of these fingers or probes that were being stuck into Garfield had been washed at all concerned no one. It wasn't a thing. Microbiology wasn't really... It was a thing, just.

Oh, yeah, because it was... Somebody, like a doctor in a hospital, like, let's just wash our hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll explain, shall I? I'm a doctor, I's just wash our hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll explain, shall I? I'm a doctor. I need to wash my hands. It's a lot of resistance.

We're in the 1880s. Yeah. And just over a decade on from Joseph Lister from Britain. That's it. Yeah. Coming up with the revolutionary idea that perhaps when performing surgery, guys, perhaps maybe, we should clean our hands and tools. In fact, not just clean. Yes, I know you keep saying they're clean,

but we need to sterilise. Like, seriously deep clean. Now, this viewpoint was considered by many as a huge waste of time. It takes a lot of time and effort sterilising things. And also, I remember watching part of a documentary about it talking about the doctors were almost offended it's like i'm a doctor of course i'm clean yes exactly yeah there's also other stories of some doctors taking pride of their blood-soaked aprons as a proof of experience

things like that it just what it was a different time it really really was yeah i mean most doctors assumed that infections were caused by the bad air. Yeah, I guess it would be. Because even then, a lot of medical stuff was still from the Greek stuff, am I right? Yeah, yeah. We're only just starting to come out of it. The beginning part of actual science. Yeah, lots of talk of humours and things still being talked about.

For example, pus was still seen as the body's natural way of getting rid of toxins in a body, and therefore was a good thing. It was a widely held belief also that Lister's principles were not needed in the countryside because the air was clean there. I'm sure he's getting results, but he's in Glasgow, and we all know it's filthy in Glasgow,

was kind of the attitude of many. However, the results of Lister's work in Glasgow were hard to deny, and soon enough, many in Europe had started to embrace the idea of antiseptics. Maybe you're onto something. I'll put down this device literally still dripping with blood. Start using something clean. However, this particular medical revolution had not fully established itself in the United States yet.

Really not? No, especially by the old school doctors. Yeah. The establishment, the type that would be called upon in an emergency, such as the president being shot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Garfield gets really unlucky here. It's like five years later, thinking would have started to have shifted. He just caught the end of doctors being idiots. Sort of giving away the ending here. Were you hopeful? I guess it does a glimmer. But that's long

since faded. Yeah. Anyway, Garfield is surrounded by doctors who were more than happy to keep inserting dirty instruments inside him. Recorders, cellos. By this time, an hour had passed since the shooting and ten doctors were in the room with him discussing whether the bullet had entered the liver or not. Let me try my probe. It must be like that.

Garfield, by this point, had perhaps realised that he's not going to die within the next few minutes, so maybe take me back to the White House. I'm in pain, but I want to be back. Bliss and the other doctors conferred, and it was decided that a speedy removal to the White House, where they could monitor things better, would perhaps be better. So Garfield was bandaged up with unclean bandages, and then carried on the hay mattress down the stairs through the room that he was shot in, which was now full of people, onto a waiting carriage which trundled along back to the White House. He was then taken up the stairs into a suitable room. Blaine then sent word to Arthur, President's been shot. You might want to be ready.

News soon travelled across the country at speed. At a speed that would not have been possible just a few decades before. In some cities, riots broke out almost immediately, as some people just looked for an opportunity to rob stores. Also, once the name of the would-be assassin got out, many blamed immigration. Oh, of course. Yeah. Guiteau?

That sounds foreign. It must be the immigrants. Kill them! Yeah, unfortunately, a bit of backlash on immigrants happened. I mean, Guiteau was as American as they come. He just had a French name. Others blamed

this on the decline of religion in the country. That's what it is is i just love the fact that all the same excuses are still used today yeah we really learn nothing do we well we're only 40 years from prohibition aren't we well yeah anyway outside the offices of the new york herald a 12-foot board was erected updating the public with news as quickly as it could be replaced. He's gone green. Yeah. He's oozing. It's gone gooey.

Yeah, in fact, I couldn't find a photo of it, but I have found an artist rendition that I think was contemporary, judging by the style of what this looked like. So there you go. Oh, that's a big board. Yeah, it's a big board outside a newspaper office bulletin 8 30 a.m the president was somewhat restless and vomited several times during the early so i read the bbc scrolling yeah yeah exactly it's uh 2 30 p.m the president has been tranquil and has not vomited

since the morning bulletin that's really interesting i'll put this up when i release the episode but if you're listening in the future, if you just Google Garfield 12-foot sign... Garfield's 12-foot erection. You could try that. So, yeah, the public obviously want to know what's going on. Back in the White House, Garfield was given morphine. Oh, brilliant. Using one of those new hypodermic needles that was all the rave.

I'm sure it had been cleaned and not used 15 times previously. It was fine, they ran it under a tap, it was fine. Bliss gave his patient several doses of morphine for the rest of the day, despite the fact that Garfield kept vomiting. At 5.30, Garfield's clothes were removed and he was given some clean ones.

Oh. Yeah, so he went all day before they changed his clothes. They were worried about disturbing him. Meanwhile, Bliss and the 12 other doctors were discussing the president's condition. Several were worried that Garfield was bleeding internally and would die in the night. It was decided the best course of action

was for the Surgeon General of the United States Navy to go in and stick his finger in the bullet hole. I'll quote him, I inserted my little finger with a rotary motion and with difficulty as the entrance was very small, I distinctly felt the displaced fragments of broken ribs. It was agreed once more that the liver had indeed been hit and Garfield was most likely to die in the night. Garfield spent a very uncomfortable night vomiting every 30 minutes and

stewing in his sweat and blood-soaked sheets. This is infection though, isn't it? Well, we'll get to that. Oh. Bliss released a statement to the press. The patient is decidedly more cheerful and has amused himself and watchers by telling of a laughable incident of his early career. Yeah.

Yeah. Understandably, they're telling the public that everything's fine. Yes. Everything was not fine. The next morning, Bliss called together all the ever-growing doctors, as in group of doctors. The doctors weren't growing. Oh, weird. Yeah.

And he told them that, it's all right, I've got it from here. Thank you for coming. The other members of the medical profession sort of looked at each other and then argued, what do you mean you've got it from... Who's put you in charge, doctor, doctor? However, Bliss had managed to get hold of the situation, announcing, if I can't save him, no one can. And he just managed to take over. Shortly afterwards, Garfield's actual doctor, Dr. Baxter, arrived. He had treated Lucretia

with malaria. He was the family doctor. He walked into the White House, fully expecting to see his patient, but Dr. Bliss and his son physically blocked the way. I insist on seeing him, Baxter shouted, but he was physically removed by armed guards. Wow. And shown the door. However, Bliss was willing for some outside help. He sent for two colleagues and friends, a professor of surgery from Philadelphia

and another professor of surgery from New York. So people who know their stuff. Well, yeah. While awaiting the arrival, Bliss also invited the newly elected president of the American Medical Association, a man named Woodward, to come forward and have

a look. However, Woodward was by no means an expert on gunshot wounds. He was more of a researcher who was making a name for himself using one of these newfangled microscope thingies. Wood, Woodward Whittlewood? Only on Tuesdays. Only on Tuesdays.

Yeah, but usually with a microscope. That's impressive. It is. And a scalpel. Yeah. However, despite the lack of experience, Woodward arrived. He took one look at the president, and he realised something he needed to do. He extended his little finger, and he inserted it he needed to do. He extended his little finger and he inserted

it right into that wound. Yep, he said, those ribs are shattered all right. Nope, can't find the bullet. Did you keep a tally in the end? No, I gave up after the third. Meanwhile, a distraught Lucretia had arrived. Remember, she wasn't in the city at the time. She'd come back. She's only just recovered from malaria. She does what she can to keep her husband comfortable, but it's a very unpleasant time all round. Did she put her finger in?

I don't think so. One of the few that didn't. Garfield seemed to be stabilising, however. He spoke to his son and said, don't be alarmed. The upper story is all right. It is only the hull that is a little damaged. Oh. Yeah.

Anyway, Garfield had been shot on Saturday morning. By Monday morning, the two professors arrived. The one from Philadelphia and New York. Both were able to successfully use unwashed probes to insert into the bullet hole wound and discovered that yes indeed those ribs they're definitely shattered they looked at each other and nodded wisely but no they still can't get the bullet but uh i could shove my finger in as well if you want i think i think for the medical profession that is a good idea however they did believe that the liver had not been punctured, as first thought. After all,

the president wasn't dead. I mean, he seems to be surviving, so perhaps the liver didn't get hit. So there's little else they could really do at this point. A horrible and painful routine started up. Garfield would fitfully sleep between bouts of vomiting and pain. Every evening, his

temperature would spike, but Bliss and the others didn't really understand that this meant the start of infection. The reports to the press that went up on the board were still very much positive. Inside the White House, however, disagreements between the doctors were erupting once more. Bliss had not been able to get rid of Silas Boynton, Garfield's childhood friend. Yeah. And Silas and Bliss hugely disagreed with each other. The main problem they had was that the United States medical profession at this time fell into two factions. We don't have time to go into detail, but it's quite interesting.

So to sum it up, the two factions at this time were the allopaths and the homeopaths. Oh, no. Just wait till you make your judgment. No, I've made it years ago. Well, homeopaths believed in gentle treatment where remedies would not produce severe side effects. They believed that the smaller the dose of a drug used, the better. It's like for like as well.

Yeah. So you dilute it like a billion times times and oh for goodness sake don't forget stop stop judging this for a modern lens yeah at the time okay pretend you're in the 1880s okay see the two factions and then then you can make a decision right okay so they believe that causing symptoms similar to the illnesses were the best way forward. So if someone is hot, keep them hot. Yeah. Allopathy was the forerunner to modern medicine, but do not think that it is modern medicine.

It's really not. It was also known as heroic medicine. Oh, dear. Due to the sheer size of doses used. Now, this was all about purging, bleeding, blistering, vomiting, harsh measures that could be as severe or even worse than the original problem.

Drugs were given in huge quantities, thrown at patients. Yeah. And the idea was that the cure should produce symptoms opposite. So if someone is too hot, cool them down. Yeah. So for example, Purvis, who came along and said put the hot water bottles around his leg because it's cold and clammy, we can deduce that

he was clearly an allopath because he was trying to reverse. Yeah. Yeah. Most of the country followed the allopathic method. Like 90% of doctors followed that method, although some shifted. Dr Bliss, for example, was definitely an allopath. However, a popular minority supported homeopathic methods, mainly because it was nicer. Because you could go and do all the horrible purging and nastiness, or you could go to the doctor who's not doing the horrible stuff and will tell you that you're going to get better. Now, back in this day and age, both methods were about as effective as each other. Well, yeah. Yeah.

It's not long until scientific method starts proving that homeopathy only really has placebo effects. Yeah. But at this time, it's understandable that people just go to the nice doctor who's not going to make me throw up and then put leeches on me. With a 1% survival rate. That's a good odds back then. Yes. Yeah. Anyway, there were many around Garfield,

including Lucretia, who really believed in homeopathic methods and they were worried that Bliss was ignoring these methods and this would lead to the president's death. So another family doctor was called in. This is Susan Edson, one of the very first women in American history to attend medical school. Oh, wow.

She suggested to Bliss that perhaps his treatments were not helping the president. He's clearly not in a good way. But to Bliss, as you can probably imagine, Edson was simply a nurse with jumped up ideas. Yeah. So she was completely ignored. Edson decided not to rock the boat

so she could just concentrate on keeping Garfield comfortable. So Edson very much falls into a role of just trying to keep Garfield as pain-free as possible. Drugs. Small, small, small-time drugs. Remember, Bliss is pumping him full of morphine at every moment. Anyway, Silas Boynton, however, he was more vocal with his opposition to Bliss, and he and Bliss were soon having blazing rows in the corridors of the White House.

Now, two weeks after the shooting, the newspapers had latched on to this medical dispute and started reporting on the warring factions that were going on. Boynton and Edson were convinced that the sheer quantity of morphine being given to Garfield was causing the vomiting.

Because he won't stop throwing up. However, Bliss's better out than in attitude meant that the morphine continued. But of course, this led to another problem. Garfield soon started to starve. Oh, yeah. He was unable to keep anything solid down at all. So it was decided to give him liquids only. Because at least he could keep it down for a bit.

A lot of beef soup. Get it absorbing. Yeah. Meanwhile, Bliss was doing what he could think of to help his patient. First of all, one of the principles of allopathy was, like I say, to do the opposite of the symptoms. Garfield's temperature kept spiking.

So it was decided they needed to keep him cool. Now, amazingly, in a pile of letters from the public offering advice, they found a solution. People were writing in from all over the place offering advice. But one of the letters was actually decent. It had a good idea in it. It's been put in an ice room. Well, it's better than that. The idea is to build a wooden frame and hang strips of towel soaked in ice water within this wooden frame. Then at the bottom of the frame, a large ice block would sit, and then a couple of fans would be placed on one end and powered using, and get this, electricity.

What? A newfangled thing that was just emerging, but we could use it to power the fans, look. This was an early prototype air conditioning unit and it was quickly built by those clever chaps down in the engineer corps in the Navy and the device worked. Yeah. And installed into the room that Garfield was in,

called the room down. Nice. Nice. I mean, it didn't help him but the room was slightly more comfortable. It is mid-summer in Washington, so there you go. Perhaps there was more good ideas in those letters, they thought. The air conditioning unit worked.

Let's have a rummage. Turned out, no, no. These are mad people. These are clearly insane. Because it's jugular. One letter suggested that they insert a tube into the bullet hole. I could just imagine Bliss going, interesting. I like it.

I'm on board. And then use an air pump to suck the bullet hole. I could just imagine Blitz going, interesting. I like it. I'm on board. And then use an air pump to suck the bullet out. Along with a lot of organs. Yeah. Who wants this? It's his liver, sir. Yeah. An even more ingenious letter suggested that perhaps they

held Garfield up by his toes to allow the bullet to fall out. Well, people didn't know back then, did they? They knew that. One letter even suggested that this one, like, if you think the last one was crazy, this one's just insane. It suggested that no one stick unwashed probes

or fingers into the wound just in case it became infected. Oh, that would be ridiculous. That was literally thrown out the window, that one was. But they read the first line, screw that. In fact, I'm going to go and shove my finger in again, just for good measure. I'm going to put two in. 20 days after the shooting,

a large discharge came out of the wound, a lot of blood and pus, and also some fabric. Oh. Woodward, very excited, got his microscope out and examined the material, and yep, that's part of Garfield's shirt, all right. You can only imagine everyone around him just going, you needed the microscope for that, did you? Any excuse to get the microscope out.

What else would it be? Yeah, anyway, Bliss was very happy with the amount of puss. This is brilliant. This is a lot of puss coming out of the body. This is a good sign. Body's really purging itself now. But Garfield, for some reason, seemed to be getting worse, not better. He was cold to the touch and shaking and would become delirious. Bliss feared blood poisoning. Boynton, going around Bliss, told reporters at this time that Garfield was dying, and he made it clear that he thought that it was Bliss's

neglect that had caused this. Bliss then called the two professors back once more. They decided that the wound was not draining enough pus. So, an incision was made, two inches in length below the wound, and an inch and a half in depth, right until it

hit the puss pocket. More puss drained. However, this didn't do enough, so two days later they widened the incision, and when they did this they also removed some of those rib fragments that they enjoyed poking so much. How about my old friends? No, no anaesthetic for any of this, by the way. How about my old friends? No, no anaesthetic for any of this, by the way. Yeah, nasty. But this didn't seem to help. Bliss decided that perhaps they really needed to find this bullet.

We've got to get the bullet out. Now, he was certain that it was on the right side of the back. No matter how many times, however, they probed the wound, they just could not find it. But he was sure it was definitely on the right side of his back. So at last, it was time to call in the big guns. Oh. None other than Alexander Graham Bell was

called. Literally? Literally. Ring ring! Well, this is my personal theory. Because they did just install a telephone into the White House. I think they start getting really desperate and it's like, we need to call for help. And then one of them just happens to turn around

and see this newfangled telephone. What does that do? Should we give it a go? Well, who else owns a telephone in this day and age? It's going to be Alexander Graham Bell. That's fantastic. I think they just picked it up and, help! Help!

Hello? You want to be at the White House? I'll be there in five. Yeah, so this is my theory. Bal arrived. He went, I'm not a doctor. No, I should probably tell you the real reason why Bal arrived. Dodgy phone line.

Ever since Garfield had been shot, they'd been trying to figure out where this bullet was. And, oh, something clicked. Magnets or... Yeah, you're getting there. A lot of... Oh, magnets. So a lot of time and effort had been spent by the general public coming up with ways that you could perhaps

locate a bullet inside a body without literally ripping it open. For example, one man had recently got hold of lots of cadavers and had spent a merry afternoon shooting them in the back to try and figure out where the bullet would go. That didn't help.

No. I can't help but feel he was just shooting cadavers and had to come up with an excuse quite quickly. They didn't start with cadavers. No. What are you doing? Science? Graham Bell, you didn't have anything to do with x-rays, did he? No, no, x-rays are about a decade off,

which again is unfortunate for Garfield. He was so unlucky. He really was. Yeah, anyway, Alexander Graham Bell, who had, I mean, the telephone is less than a decade earlier. It's really new still. But he'd created something new, and he let it be known that he might be able to help.

This was something that used an electromagnetic field and when a metal object was within that field, it would upset the field and cause a sound on his newfangled telephone. Oh, he invented the first metal detector. Yes, that is exactly what he's done. However, this prototype... The prototype wasn't quite good enough to work.

Because he arrived, he tried it, and it just didn't work. He discouraged, he went back home, and he fiddled with his machine a bit, and a couple days later, he returned. Sure this time that it would definitely work. I shot four people to check it. But again,

it didn't. Something went wrong. Not that anyone realised to begin with, because Bal used his metal detector on the right side of Garfield's back, and it started to click, just where Bliss had predicted the bullet would be. The two men congratulated themselves very much, because obviously that means the machine works, and Bliss is right. Both men very happy. However, it was later revealed that the bullet had bounced off the rib and gone into the left of Garfield's back, nowhere near where Bal had said it was.

Now, Bal in future tried to distance himself from the findings here, blaming it on a bedspring, but he took a hit to his reputation. He was quite upset by this. Although the machine was in fact sound, it worked. The patent for this machine was eventually developed into a landmine detector used 35 years later in World War I. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. That made me do that when I was looking this up and went, oh wow, we're that close to World War I. That's insane. Yeah. So we're in, like, the decades of discovery here then, aren't we? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think we live now in a fast-paced world where everything's changing, and you realise that this has been going on for quite some time now. Yeah, but not really. It's been, you know, smartphones, what, 10 years ago? I'll have you know that. They haven't changed much in 10 years. smartphones what 10 years ago i'll have you know they haven't changed much in 10 years iphone 10x3 or whatever it's called now is it's a different thing to iphone 7 they keep telling me that you say it's the it's it's the biggest thing yeah yeah it's a huge change i got a brand new phone

the last one literally last week yeah uh samsung s10 and it's indistinguishable from this sm slightly bigger that's about it phones haveable from a S7. It's slightly bigger. That's about it. Phones have really hit a plateau, haven't they? They really have. Anyway, let's not get sidetracked by phones. Although we are talking about Alexander Graham Bell. Well, it's apt.

It is. It is. But not anymore. That's his part in the story over, I'm afraid to say. Ding-a-ling. He has just sat at home drinking his Bells and weeping that his machine didn't work. I'm assuming he drank. He was sitting next to his phone waiting for a call. Yeah.

It was the first call he got since installing his phone. He's the one who invented the greeting hello as well, isn't he? Did you not notice in the introduction, when it cut to him picking up the phone, he said, hello, Alexander Graham Bow speaking. Is that what he first said? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.

I put that in because of that. Oh. Yeah, it seemed subtle. It was subtle, but it was there. It's a good factoid. Anyway. See? Hello, what's this? Hello. Yeah, newfangled word. Anyway, let's move on from telephones.

Right. Over the next few weeks, Garfield slowly declined. Puss pockets developed throughout his body. They didn't know it yet, but there was a particularly large one growing in his groin. Oh, no. However, that one remained hidden. The ones that they could see were surgically drained. All good.

Keep purging the body. A large boil developed on one of his saliva glands. In fact, perhaps I should have done this a while ago, but if you're a bit squeamish, it gets worse. So if you've been struggling so far, yeah, it definitely gets worse. Anyway. Tell me more.

It's Halloween. Yeah, this grew on his saliva gland, causing his entire face to swell. It grew so much that when it burst, pus and saliva came out of his mouth and ears. Yeah, because it's all kind of connected at the back. There was so much that he nearly drowned in his own puss. The 12-foot board said that he was really getting better.

Yeah, he's doing well. Sprightly. Yeah. Day 44. Oh, no. It became clear that Garfield was unable to keep any food down at all, solid or liquid. He had lost over a third of his body weight. It was decided that he needed to be fed in a different way.

Oh, is this a chew down the throat? No. Oh, no. What's the other way to a man's stomach oh no no no like i said warning garfield had a tube inserted in his rectum and beef soup was poured in followed by milk and egg yolks and to wash it all down, of course, some whiskey. What? What? No.

To be fair, I'm being slightly flippant here. It's not quite like that. They mixed it all together first and then poured it down. Yeah, they didn't do courses. And this is for starter, sir. Let me know how it tastes. I've underdone the beef. Now, as long-time listeners will probably know, we're a fan of a whiskey

or two, aren't we? It's a waste. I don't think I'd like... I don't think I'd enjoy my whiskey this way. No, you'd have to stand on your head. Yes, they were mixed up. They went down the tube. They got no further than the lower intestines because that's not a good way. Well, you wouldn't, would you?

Bliss was convinced that the body could absorb enough this way. It will absorb some. It won't absorb enough. No, but not enough. No. Apparently, I looked into this, some sugars can be absorbed in the lower intestine, but that's it. Because it's like the end of the digestion process as well. It's practically nothing at all.

But even if it could, even if this was working, it had some unpleasant side effects. The smell. Or as Bliss himself wrote, annoying and offensive flatus. Ah, the farts. Garfield started dropping some otherworldly... Farts.

I mean, these were apparently seriously bad. I'm not surprised. He's got a rotten egg down there. Literally. In an attempt to get the smell under control, the egg was removed from the mixture. See, you're on it, because it smelled a lot of rotting eggs, and so let's remove

the eggs. Instead, they used cow's blood. However, this did not work. Bliss noted that the, and I quote here, volume of offensive gases and the character of the ejector indicated that the

blood was rotting in the president's rectum. I don't think I've ever felt so sorry for somebody before. Oh my god. So there he is, people still sticking things in his bullet hole wound, people cutting around it, drowning in pus, and people putting beef soup and whiskey off his bum. Bliss was convinced that this was all working. Garfield was improving, so it continued. After nearly two months of this,

Garfield was still in a slow decline and it was decided to buoy his spirits. He presided over a cabinet meeting. This way, the press could announce that he was back to work and Garfield would see that he could get better. But the meeting was more the cabinet sitting around a man who looked half dead and smelled fully dead and quickly talking about current affairs before gagging and then leaving the room. Garfield was asked no questions and had

to make no decisions. This was folly for the press. However, perhaps it did do him some good personally, to be fair, because later the same day he was able to write to his mother telling her that he was starting to improve. I'll quote her, I'm gaining every day. I need only time and patience to bring me through. This is, I saw the letter that he wrote this. It's quite hard to read the handwriting. He had bad handwriting, but it's hard to read. But this letter was published, so everyone could see that he's writing. After 60 days of this,

Garfield began to despair of ever leaving the room he was in. I wonder if all this fight against death is worth the little pinch of life that I will get. Yeah. So he asked to leave Washington. Bliss advised against it. Really not. And he wanted to go home to Ohio, but it's like

no, no, definitely not stay in my care. Well Garfield however had made up his mind, he's the president dammit, if he's going to die it's not going to be in this room, so instead it was decided that he would go to the house in Alberon, where Lucretia had just recovered from malaria, it was nice there

you can go there day 66 garfield was taken from the white house to the train station to alleviate all the jostling that would inevitably happen those clever chaps down at the engineering corps of the navy had created a mattress made of rubber that could be filled with water water bed yeah you see all the inventions are coming out because of Garfield's death. They should have been shooting their presidents earlier. Think of the technological advances they could have made.

Now, the best way to get to the house in Alboron in New Jersey would be to travel by train, obviously. That's clearly the best way. But really the best way to get to the house would be to travel by train right up to the front door. There's a problem with that. Obviously, there isn't a train travel by train right up to the front door. There's a problem with that. Obviously, there isn't a train track that goes right up to the front door yet. Oh.

Because in an age where train tracks were constantly being built, the solution seems simple to them. Well, we'll extend the track right up to the front door then. Awesome. Yeah. It's kind of thinking that nowadays would just not be your first thought whatsoever. No. Because back then, it was back then it's

like what's that we need to like build a brand new railway track to be used once get the navvies why not 300 men worked around the clock to get it ready the train itself was equipped with the air conditioning unit that had been built to cool it down wire goals was fastened to the windows to prevent dust getting in a false ceiling was put in to let air circulate better. They really made this train carriage pretty good. They then tested it a couple of times and realised that if you go 60 miles an hour, that was the speed that caused the fewest vibrations. And therefore, it would be the smoothest journey.

So it was agreed they would go at 60 miles an hour. A lot of thought. You really feel the scientific age really starting to kick in. journey so it was agreed they would go at 60 miles an hour nice a lot of thought you really feel the scientific age really starting to kick in for seven hours the train sped along on the way people came out to see the train that carried their dying president to show respect and to try and soften the journey for him the crowd threw hay onto the tracks which just derails it's like really throwing things onto the tracks is this a good idea but apparently it was fine okay yeah i think in this country as soon as you got some leaves on the track the entire infrastructure falls apart yeah so but apparently yeah you can go over her

straw that's all right apparently okay Well eventually they arrived. The last few hundred yards the train had to be pushed by hand because the train couldn't pull the carriage up the new track. It was too steep and they hadn't realised that. Yeah, trains don't like ups and downs. Yeah, so you just got hundreds of people

pushing this carriage up the train track. But eventually Garfield had arrived. He was placed in a second floor bedroom, which I assume is like the first floor, but in American a second floor, because they do floors differently to us. What? Well, you know we have like...

The ground floor and the first floor. Yeah, no, Americans have done that annoying thing of being more sensible than us. Oh, what the hell? And they have the first floor is the ground floor, and then the second floor is the... Is the first floor of the house. Yeah, yeah, no, I have to say I agree with the American way.

I bet they even took the U out of floor, didn't they? They did take the U out of floor, the fools. So he's upstairs. That's all I needed to say, really. He's upstairs in the bedroom. Bliss reported to the press that Garfield was already showing marked signs of improvement. Susan Edson finally had had enough of Bliss and all his lies and left. Silas again told the

reporters that his old friend was dying. On day 78, Garfield complained of severe chest pains. A couple of days later, he cried out to a visiting friend, oh this terrible pain, can't you stop this? And then he fell unconscious. Bliss rushed into the room shouting he's dying and attempted to revive the president, but after a while he whispered, it is over. It had taken 80 pain-filled days, but Garfield was dead. Over the next week or so an autopsy was conducted. The bullet was indeed found on the left side of his back and not the right

and it hit no internal organs whatsoever. Wow. Oh. Yes. The findings caused many to speculate that Bliss had actually caused the President's death. I mean apparently if you were shot in this way today you'd be back

home within a couple of days in a lot of pain and recovering, but you're fine. One of the people who thought that they were able to blame Dr. Dr. Bliss was Guiteau. Because during his trial, he claimed that he was not the murderer. I'll quote here,

nothing could be further from the truth because General Garfield died of malpractice. The doctors ought to be indicted for the murder of James Garfield, not me. See, what worries me is that in modern times that would probably stand up. Yeah, he was found guilty and hanged. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, by this time, his words after the shooting had spread throughout the country.

I am a stalwart, and Arthur will be president. And of course, he's right. Arthur's now president. Oh. And we will be doing him next week. Next time.

Next time. So there you go. That's Garfield. What are you expecting? I don't know because I really didn't like him in like, I ended up liking him

less and less. I think I said that in the last episode. But I don't think I ever felt more sorry for somebody. Yeah. But it sort of puts into specter as well like we're the roman series that you get like an ill emperor who probably had worse medical treatment than that oh we have seen some shockingly bad deaths uh do you remember um galerius and uh the worms eating his intestines

from the inside uh yeah anyway Anyway, shall we rate him? Yeah. Statesman shit! There's really not much to give here. When he was in office before being president, he was uncomfortably close to several scandals, shall we say. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

He was either corrupt or unlucky. Hardly a great statesman. Interesting, man. Yeah, some of those scandals we talked about last time. Money resting in his account. Interesting, man. Yeah, some of those scandals we talked about last time. Money resting in his account. Yeah. Yeah. Being paid the $5,000 for doing no work. Yeah. Yeah, the bonds as well. Yeah, it was all a bit dodgy. Anyway, as president, if you're generous, you could argue that he was fighting corruption because he was going after Conkling. Yeah. And he did go after the Star Route postal ring. But to be honest, you do get the impression this was more one faction under Blaine using Garfield to go after the other faction. Oh yeah.

Yeah. He was seen as a likeable character who was easy to follow. I mean, the Republicans all saw him as a good guy, or at least acceptable, which enabled him to become the Dark Horse candidate in the first place. So he was seen as followable. i mean that's it he was quite possibly corrupt and he didn't do much yeah um he's not this isn't his round it's really not his round uh two what for one yeah i don't know should i go for two he did go after the star root ring. I'll give him that. Yeah, but I'm not convinced of my motives. Yeah, no, one.

That's all I can give him. That's a total of, hang on. What's applied by seven, three, two, one, seven, four? Two. He got two. Two. Brilliant. Next round.

Two. Disgrace game. This is more his round. Yeah, well, it's always nice not to have a bigot in the White House. That is true. Yeah. There was plenty of evidence that he wasn't particularly racist or sexist in some ways. He had the decency to get a shot in the ladies' way.

Yeah. Modern liberal guy. Yeah. Obviously, he was very much of the time. So there was always the base levels of racism and sexism going around. But for the time, he's not too bad in that area Which is great that said he simply does not come across as a nice person whatsoever He had at least two affairs and quite possibly a third that I didn't go into

And in fact, he was widely seen as a womanizer. So he probably had more than that that just weren't recorded He was more than happy to cheat on his wife. And Lucretia knew about all of them. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, that's not great. It's hard to get across in these episodes the feelings you get when you're reading about a president. But he just seemed like an unpleasantly arrogant person who thought that he was better than everyone else. Yeah, so dislikable.

But the thing is, he thought he was better, but he wasn't. He never felt in control. Yeah. He seemed to bumble from one thing to the next. Yeah. Thinking that he deserved every piece of good luck he got. And sort of being controlled slightly. Yeah.

I mean, the thing that really sums up his personality to me is the story of him trying to get a promotion during the Civil War by hanging out in washington having an affair and writing a book about frederick the great whilst there were people actually fighting the war he feels like he should be being rewarded just for being him yeah uh but i guess if you if you grow up in a well-off family but he didn't and this is it remember he was on those canals at the start. He was bright though, wasn't he? He was bright, yeah.

Maybe it was his schooling and that encouraged that arrogance almost. And then obviously there's also the corruption. Yeah. He was willing to take a bong and there's no way you can prove it but I'm 99% certain he was more than happy

to be given money for favours. Oh, yeah. And just because practically everyone else was doing it in this age, don't make it right. Nope. So, um... I think minus three. Oh, is that all? Well, he's not...

He didn't own slaves. He didn't. And he didn't think it was okay or, you know what I mean? He didn't look over it. It can't be as bad as previous ones. Oh, yeah, I'm not in the high, high marks because he's not openly trying to oppress a race of people. I'd go to minus four, maybe.

I think I'm going to over half marks, I think. Yeah, I mean, the corruption automatically gets him at least three points in my mind. And then the constant womanising and having affairs. Yes, I'll go for minus six. Okay, so he's currently on minus eight in total. He was minus ten, he's now minus eight. Silverscreen. Okay, he might do a bit better here.

Oh, he'll do well in Silverscreen. His Viking father's death could open the film. Yes. That's pretty good, isn't it? Then he works on the canals, remember? You could probably get some good stuff out of that. His education, meeting Lucretia, and then also meeting Rebecca. And yeah, you could do all the affairs and go into that.

You've got drama there. Yeah. Then the war starts. He does does to give him credit see firsthand two of the worst battles of the entire war that's true yeah he doesn't spend the entire war just to hang around in washington wanting a promotion he didn't know his stuff uh so you do have that but also you've got the him hanging around in washington for a a series actually that's quite good because you get to see the two halves of the war from just one person

which is pretty good. He gets to know Miss Calhoun. Oh he does. Yeah and that brings you into the very early starts of women's suffrage there right at the beginning but you can start to get some of the women's rights stuff starting to

get in there so that might be interesting and then you've got the whole dark horse candidate thing where in the convention in Chicago the half-breeds managed to beat the stalwarts and that was pretty dramatic. Yeah. That was pretty good. Then the election,

that wasn't that exciting, although if you remember it was bloody close. See, that'd be a one episode but tense. Yeah. And then the faction war between Conkling and Blaine. That's all serious on itself. Yeah, I mean, that's going to be pretty good.

And then obviously you've got his death, his slow, slow, painful death. You could make an entire series out of those 80 days. It's probably not Garfield being the main character. You'd probably be focusing on Bliss. It's a Bliss series. Bliss and Silas and those two arguing and then the main character. You'd probably be focusing on Bliss. It's a Bliss series. Bliss and Silas and those two arguing and then the side characters. I do house style CG, you know, the thing.

Oh, the finger going in. Germs. Lots of see-through whiteboards. See-through blackboard? Oh, yeah, you could do see-through blackboard instead, couldn't you? A chalk on the whiteboard, that would be a nice effect. So see-through blackboard and then you can finally, it focuses and you realise they See Through Blackboard instead, couldn't you? A chalk on the... Yeah, yeah. A nice effect. So See Through Blackboard, and then you can finally... It focuses, and you realise they've not been writing words.

They've just drawn a picture of a finger, an arrow to the bullet hole. And they're all nodding wisely. Yes, yes, no, I see. Oh, an orderly queue. Oh, you've got Alexander Graham Bell coming round for a bit. Oh yes, you've got your... Star Power. It's pretty good.

And then the end of the series, Chester Arthur's now president. Yeah. And you've got to have someone at the end smiling, maybe thinking about him in prison. Guido just going, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you could. You could choose to completely ignore the motives behind the assassin, like I pretty much did, mainly for time reasons.

He was just a bit insane to put it bluntly he's quite often described as a disgruntled government employee who didn't get the job. That's how it came across to me that's not the reason he did it though, he did it

because he was just slightly insane easily led he was fully convinced that the gun he was going to use would be put in museums. So he purposely chose a very ornate gun to use so it would look nice in the museums because he thought he was saving the Republic. Yeah. Is his gun in a museum? Not as far as I'm aware. Ah, that's a shame.

Although Garfield's spine is. Three segments of his spine that the bullet went through were removed during the autopsy. And you can go and see that in a museum. Oh, splendid. Yeah, you can put your finger in the hole. Oh, yeah. It's oddly satisfying. I see why they did it so often.

Yeah, so anyway, there's actually quite a bit there that's quite interesting. But he's not a pleasant protagonist. No. So I think it suffers for that slightly. Yeah, that it does. But that can make it more interesting, though, to watch. I'm going to go with seven. I'm going to match that.

I agree with seven. Okay, portrait time. I'm hoping for a writhing round in agony. Painted on day 37 It's just blurry because he didn't start moving This I assume is before he was shot I bloody hope so Either that or he's taken it like a champ

That's with the tube with the egg halfway up I wasn't imagining thinning well very well bald top yeah yeah the hair's going definitely that's that's a big bushy beard yeah you look just like a normal person i like the very back to a classic like very dark background yeah um suit looks more modern it's got almost like a dicky bow on, which is good. Yeah. Bow tie.

Yeah. Red, you know, red velvet chair, whatever it is. Just looking to the left. It's very much in profile. Yes.

No, that's right. Bit dull. I'd prefer like a big globe or something. Yeah, yeah. Not much in the way of background. Looks very serious though, doesn't he?

Yeah. You always get bonus points for a beard. Yeah. That's all right. But not amazing. Six, I'm going for. serious though, doesn't he? You always get bonus points for a beard. That's alright. But not amazing. 6 I'm going for. I'm going for a 5. I'm less impressed. Okay, that is 2.75. And then finally, bonus.

Bonus! No points for terms. However, he was assassinated. Was he? Well, yeah. No, he was shot. He was shot and he wouldn't have died if he wasn't shot. I don't think we can really take Ito's argument that the doctors killed him. No, I don't know. I'd debate that.

I'd go for a one. Don't get me wrong. The bullet didn't kill him. It missed all his vital organs. Why was he infected? No, that's a cause of it. But yeah, that could have happened from him falling over and breaking his leg. You wouldn't blame the rock.

And so the rock assassinated him. It was the infection that killed him, the dodgy doctor. If he hadn't been shot, he wouldn't have died. It's Gito's fault. I say it was an attempted assassination that failed because it didn't hit any of his organs and the bullet wouldn't have killed him it was his doctor that killed him did guito try and kill him yeah tried that's all one point yes but not from the bullet yeah but he died because of the bullet wound and complications no he died because of infections around it but it's not the the treatment

at the time although was argued about was essentially the treatment of the time yeah you're right on the cusp of, some doctors around were saying perhaps we should do this differently, but 20 years previously, 10 years, 5 years before this, there probably wouldn't have been any argument about whether he was treated correctly or not.

It would have been a case of he died of the gunshot wound. So it's only because they started to realise perhaps we need to be a bit better at this. Well, I mean, you can overall, you know, you can give him two points, but I will not agree with that. But you can give him two points. Well, listeners, in the comments below this

episode, who's right? Come on, the guy spent 80 days in pain. Because of his doctor. Drowning his own puss. Give him two points for that. Surely he deserves two points. But currently he's on 8.75 this puts him up to 10 he's not in double figures because of you but he would be anyway because he also gets a bonus point for election just he scrapes that one remember you don't get any if

you lose the popular vote and he was 0.1 away from losing the popular vote but he does he does just get it so there you go that's one for election so grand total so he's got a nine ten eleven point seven justifiably bad i think because he was not good and i think even if he's he'd not been shot and then eventually died because of his doctor, he may have, I don't think he would have done any better. He'd have been scandal and wiped out. Undoubtedly, he would have been worse. He probably, if he survived, he probably would have got into more scandals.

So we would have given him more points for Disgrace Gate. And his story wouldn't have been as interesting. So he would have got less than silver screen. Him being shot and killed through that... It's a pinnacle of his life. I mean, it's the best thing that ever happened to him, because he gets more points in this podcast. And that's what made him die in peace.

Yes, after 80 days of agony. Phileas Fogman should go round the world in that time. Right, American? American or American? No. No. Absolutely not. No, the guy was not hugely pleasant.

He was corrupt. And there's a reason why presidents who are assassinated resonate through history, apart from him. You didn't even know he was assassinated, did you? And no one gave it away, because you kept saying, don't give it away, and no one did say thank you, listeners. That was nice. There you go. Right, so, Arthur next.

He's been made president when he didn't particularly want to be vice president, and someone's just assassinated someone so he can be president. He's also Conkling's man through and through. It's not saying it for good things, is it? No, it's really not. But we will see

next time. And I'm going to call him Arthur Chester just to be really annoying. All of next episode. All the way through. Right, okay. Well, thank you very much for listening to Garfield. Yes, thank you for downloading us on iTunes and Podbean. Keep writing those

reviews, they really help. And until next time. I swear the bullet's on the left side. Goodbye. Goodbye. Dear Garfield, I have a suggestion for your injury. If you stand on your head and spin six times on your arms, hopefully the bullet shall fling out to the side of the wall and you'll be absolutely fine. Hope this helps. Love, Edna. Dear President Garfield, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your current condition. I have been

practicing in medicine for 12 years and wish to offer some of my advice. Have you tried inserting a finger into the bullet wound and giving it a bit of a wiggle. I've tried this on numerous occasions myself. Although unsuccessful, I remain ever hopeful. Your obedient servant, Cliff. Dear Garfield, I'm Jack. I'm a blacksmith. I've got a mallet and an anvil. I'll help you out. P.S. Love you. I'm writing because I've recently come across a solution for removing the bullet that is currently lodged within your back. I've recently discovered whilst playing with fire that metal gets very hot. And eventually, if you get hot enough, it melts.

All you need to do is increase your temperature to roughly 1,600 degrees, and the bullet will simply pour out of the holes, with an added bonus of cauterising the wound. Doodle pip! Dear Garfield, I have heard of your predicament, and I would like to offer my suggestion to you. Dynamite! Believe this substance will be fantastic at evacuating your bullet. Yours truly, Alfred Nobel. Please find enclosed a small wooden box. If you insert this box into your wound, and

if the bullet were to enter the box, and if you were then to further close the box's lid, the bullet would cease to exist and yet exist at the same time. In fact, you would be at once dead yet alive, existing in a state that is incomprehensible and yet also comprehensible. Yours, or maybe not, Schrodinger. hello and welcome to roman emperors totalus that's great but we're doing presidents so i could have stopped you at any point, wouldn't I? It's fine. It's fine. I'll just do it again. Hello?