Ask Dr. Drew - Trisha Paytas on Mental Illness, Frenemies & Internet Trolls - Ask Dr. Drew - Episode 45

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Watch this episode at https://drdrew.com/pod/trisha821  Since 2007, Trisha Paytas has amassed a following of 5 million subscribers, 2.2 billion views, and approximately 2.2 trillion jealous haters. Under the blndsundoll4mj channel, Trisha has posted over 2,900 videos ranging from original music, personal vlogs, eating challenges, and commentary on current trends -- often with a unique brand of provocative sarcasm and inflammatory satire that makes it difficult for viewers to tell when Trisha is being serious and when Trisha is simply feeding the trolls a taste of their own medicine. Trisha has worked as a model, stripper, singer, author, podcast host, and actor who appeared in music videos for Amy Winehouse, Eminem, and more. It has been reported that Trisha makes over $1 million per month from OnlyFans. Trisha is the former cohost of Frenemies with H3 Podcast's Ethan Klein. Watch Trisha's new podcast about mental health at https://www.youtube.com/mychemicalimbalance  Ask Dr. Drew is produced by Kaleb Nation ( https://kalebnation.com) and Susan Pinsky (https://twitter.com/FirstLadyOfLove). THE SHOW: For over 30 years, Dr. Drew Pinsky has taken calls from all corners of the globe, answering thousands of questions from teens and young adults. To millions, he is a beacon of truth, integrity, fairness, and common sense. Now, after decades of hosting Loveline and multiple hit TV shows – including Celebrity Rehab, Teen Mom OG, Lifechangers, and more – Dr. Drew is opening his phone lines to the world by streaming LIVE from his home studio in California. On Ask Dr. Drew, no question is too extreme or embarrassing because the Dr. has heard it all. Don’t hold in your deepest, darkest questions any longer. Ask Dr. Drew and get real answers today. This show is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All information exchanged during participation in this program, including interactions with DrDrew.com and any affiliated websites, are intended for educational and/or entertainment purposes only. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Special guest, Tricia Paytas. You'd be impressed by this, Susan. Tricia has amassed over 5 million subscribers, 2.2 billion views, 2.2 trillion haters, approximately. Wow. Yeah. And if you think you're struggling for audience, that is something that Trisha's pretty much got down. Our laws as it pertained to substances are draconian and bizarre.

Psychopaths start this way. He was an alcoholic because of social media and pornography, PTSD, love addiction, fentanyl and heroin, ridiculous. I'm a doctor for. Say, where the hell you think I learned that? I'm just saying, you go to treatment before you kill people. I am a clinician. I observe things about these chemicals.

Let's just deal with what's real. We used to get these calls on Loveline all the time. Educate adolescents and to prevent and to treat. If you have trouble, you can't stop, and you want to help stop it, I can help. I got a lot to say. I got a lot more to say. I want to give a shout out to our good friends at Blue Mics. If you've heard my voice on this show any time over the past year, including right now, you've been listening to Blue Microphones. And let me tell you, after more than 30 years in broadcasting, I don't think I have ever sounded better. But you don't need to be a pro or have a fancy studio to benefit from a quality mic. You may not realize it, but if you've been working

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Totally. And as we said before, this is a book that both teenagers and their parents should read. Read the book, have the conversation. It doesn't have to be awkward. On sale September 21st. Trisha, welcome to the program. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

I'm very nervous. Why? Why, why, why? That's so surprising to me. Well, because I got, this week has been, I think, the most hate I've ever gotten for, I have no idea. I've been offline for like two days straight because it was so bad. So I've just never gotten this much hate.

So I was like a little worried for you and scared for you. But then I remember like you're able to handle trolls pretty well. So, so you got the hate because you were coming on this program. Is that what the hate was from or something else? Well, no, I went on another podcast this weekend and before it was even out, I got hate. I heard the same thing happened with this. I said, Oh, I'm going with Dr. Drew. And then people started giving hate on this. I'm like, I didn't even do anything yet. Well, let's talk about your history. Cause, cause when, when I, I first met you, you came on with me and Adam and I didn't, I, you know, I, everybody else knew you. I didn't, I'm sort of a, you know, I'm out of it. Uh, and so I was a little confused. I wasn't quite what was going on. And then we,

I think the next time was on frenemy. Is that the next time we got together? Okay. And, and that show Ethan brought me in to try to help make sense of what was going on between you guys. And I was completely impressed with how open you were about what you were, your issues, what you were struggling with. And you were, you were engaged. It was clear to me at that time, you were engaged in treatment, you were benefiting from treatment, and you were, I mean, educational for anybody else struggling with these kinds of issues. And we'll define what they are as we go along here. And so I just thought, thank you. I'm on Trisha's team, number one. This is a big deal that somebody who has struggled is now talking about it and helping other people and wanting to make a difference for other people. And then I, because I was sort of taking your material and explaining it to Ethan, that

got misinterpreted as me dissing on Ethan. Did you see, you see all that hate? Yeah. Yeah. Which was weird. I didn't understand it at all. Cause Ethan asked me to come in and help him make sense of what you were talking about, which I thought we did.

No. Yeah. I know. No i and then i thought it was fair and i i've been i saw all the hate and then obviously we're not asked back again because i remember after we would film he's like well he has to take his side and i was like i don't think he's taking my side as much as at least understanding what's happening like i don't know it was weird exactly right and i think he fed into the what's called the split at that point. So he got, he got into the, the troll split and, um, I mean, he, think about it. He called me in to ask, to help him understand what was going on between you two. You were forthcoming about what your issues were. I was repeating them to him to help him understand them and try to frame his response to them.

Cause he's not with the one struggling, although he's he's in the thing with you. He had he was evoked by what was going on with you. So I did not see what happened next. It doesn't sound like it was pretty. Do you want to kind of frame that for me without evoking more trolling? Yeah, no, I'm happy to because I am still in treatment. I actually haven't left since that. I've been sober since December 18th of last year, completely. Um, I just got on medication,

like antipsychotics actually in May. So besides that, I hadn't been on any pills, but that's something completely different. But, um, no, I've been in, I've been in treatment since then. So when people are like, she's out of treatment, she's lying about it. Like I've actually, I've been going to the same, I said, we were doing zoom calls, but now we're back in like, you know, uh, in-person treatment, but, but I've been doing it. So when we had the last, uh, issue, I thought I handled myself really well. I don't know if you do. I mean, you said you haven't seen it, but the last episode, I mean, obviously it was kind of bad, but I didn't resort to like name calling. I didn't black out. I didn't like do I, you know, I was like, can we just end this? You know, I felt like I disengaged really well and it kind of turned into like this, that was

the final straw. And I'm like, I thought I handled myself relatively good considering the past outbursts that I've had that were really awful. And the first two were awful, but the third one, I was like, I feel like I was making improvement, but no, I don't know. And let's talk about the outbursts. So you had told me that many times when you have these, essentially they're rages, sort of. They're rages, right? Would you say? You have these rages.

You go into sort of a blackout or dissociative state and you say horrible things and you feel terrible about them. Yeah. And I have to go. Do you? I wonder if you go back and make amends and address it afterwards or not. Oh, all the time. And still to this day, because he brought up my outburst in December back in July.

And even then, I still was like, I will forever feel bad about that. That's something that I'll never live down. And I thought we got past that because everyone said they were forgiven. But when it's thrown back in my face, I'll still continue to apologize for it because it was nasty. But this last one, I didn't go into name calling, which is like, that's my big thing is name calling, including with we talked about with Moses, my fiance, like, and I haven't done that in like, since like, maybe probably December of last year.

So since that episode, and so I really, to me, that's making improvements, because for some reason, that's like the place I went to. And I feel like I haven't really bonded that place. But I do have I do have rage. And like, it's just a reason I have to disengage from like reading comments right now. Cause I, I will go off and I know that's what it like, they, we exploited on front of me, including myself. I was okay with it. Cause that's what makes me different, I guess is my rages. And I was fine with that, but it's just like, now I have to really disengage and not do it because it's just not good for like my mental health or, you know, right now. Right. So, so let's talk about these, these, these outbursts.

So, so when I deal with people that have these kinds of outbursts, I personally look at them as like seizures almost like it's something your brain does and you have no control over it yet. At the same time, you want to be accountable. How do you, how do you balance those two sort of true two realities which is you don't have control once they're triggered you don't that's a reality maybe the medication will help you now and that that kind of thing i think of it like a seizure yet when patients have this stuff i do have to kind of go hey hey come on how'd you get to that point what are you going to do about

it that kind of thing is it just simply both are true both are are true. And I think because mine was broadcasted so publicly and it was so ugly, it was like, it was something that I really had to like seek help for. And the biggest thing for me, and we go to, I go to couples therapy with my fiance. He's, he doesn't have any mental illness or anything like that, but he goes with me. And that was the big thing is like, how do we stop from being triggered in these rages? Because I, and I recognize them. I recognize the triggers and I recognize when Ethan unintentionally or not, like I recognize the trigger. And I was like, we have to stop. We have to stop.

And then it was like 30 more minutes of like talking. And I, and he kept saying, you can just leave. You can just get up and go. But I knew that's the reaction people wanted. So I was like, let's just end the show. And like, and I probably said that four or five times. And anyways, to answer your question, it's like, you know, really just disengaging, really just saying, and now Moses, when we had talked last time, you know, it was always like, well, I don't want you

to have the control over the situation. We just stop whenever you want, not knowing that like, it actually gets to a bad place if we don't stop when I ask and vice versa. If Moses asked to stop, we stop, you know? So I think it was more about one boundaries and also just disengaging completely. Like if I do want to fight with most, like he literally has to shut a door on me which is maybe people think it's toxic but that's just what it is and an hour later i'm fine and i do have remorse i'm like well i'm you know why did i do that or whatever so yeah when you when you're in it it's not the same you're in a different state and and do you want to go back to frenemies is that something you guys have tried to reconcile no no i mean i did i did i mean

but now it's it's it's so far gone like it literally it's so far gone so it's just not a thing that can happen but it's sad it's sad because it was just so it was so good but also like today was the first day where i really felt good just like being out of it because it really even talking about like drama it's just like not good for me like i just need to not be in that stuff like it i don't know if it's something else anxiety or what but it really, even talking about like drama, it's just like, not good for me. Like, I just need to not be in that stuff. Like it, I don't know if it's something else, anxiety or what, but it really weighs on me, like an impending sense of doom at all times. And I don't like that feeling. So I think it's better that I'm just out of it. And so explain to people that may not be familiar with your, your stuff that you've spoken so openly and clearly about, which, how would you characterize your mental illness?

Um, and 2019 was the first time I heard the term borderline and my therapist at the time was my therapist style has, I was like, so I'm borderline. And he would always say you have traits of it. So I mean, which is basically the first session session. He's like, okay, here, go to like DBT classes, which I never heard of. And so that's obviously for borderlines, but he kind of like did it without being like, I think you could benefit from this it's also just like emotional like regulation which maybe people yeah i just i don't know i really i really benefited from those and i did stop for a minute but ever since my like getting sober sober i like i just i've been very active of going um yeah so so that's two different different do you have to actually see border people with borderline disorder often use a lot of substances not because they're addicts because they're borderline do you

actually have two different phenomena where you have addiction and borderline yeah oh yeah i i both but see when it comes yeah when it comes to addiction it's so weird because i have a really addictive personality but when it comes to like drugs and alcohol i never had to go to like rehab so i don't know if i necessarily was addicted i think i just misused them like pills you know i would just misuse them right but but i think you want to identify as this or maybe more than once as sexually addicted yeah i have a yeah definitely sex addiction and impulsive spending like like, uh, like a compulsive shopper. Like, you know, I just, I spend money like insane. Like there's definitely an issue with that too. And eating and all. So I have, I have a lot of addiction, sex, food, shopping.

And it's serious. It's serious. It's not just like a girl. No, I know it's serious. And I still think it's just borderline, but because the behaviors are serious enough, you have to approach them like separate problems. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. It's all goes with borderline, but, but if you're going to make yourself broke, you got to get that shopping under control, you know, you gotta, or if you're going to hurt yourself with sex, you got to stop that. And then recovery is a way to do that. Yeah. Um, the, yeah, the, um, shopping there's different kinds of shopping addiction. Some people like debting. They kinds of shopping addiction. Some people like debting. They like being in debt. Other people like the high of buying. Other people have

particular buying sort of rituals. Anything like that for you? Or is it just sort of a manic thing? It's just really manic. It just makes me happy. I like downstairs right now, there's probably 200 unopened boxes and I don't even care when they come. I don't want to even open them or any, I don't care like what they do. I just like it. You like the buying, like the buying. Yeah.

Like the, I like buying it. Cause I like being like, Oh, I can, I'm scared of going broke one day. And so I just buy as much as I can for the past 10 years. I've been like that.

I'm like, let me just buy everything. Now I got money. And then if I see the money going down, cause I can, I'm not in, you know, I don't go in debt.

So I'm not like, I don't think I've seen those severe issues and I'm luckily I'm like not in debt, but it's, um, it's definitely an issue where it's just like, I just can't every single day. I just have to spend. Why don't you have like a money manager, somebody that controls it, you know, so you can spend this, but you have something else over here. Do it in a structured way. I'm sure. i yeah i have a business manager and they definitely but i'm definitely like no i need to spend it for this reason i try and justify because i'm kind of like a new age job of an influencer so i kind of be like but i gotta

show it and i gotta do that you know like it's kind of my so i kind of tell them like no but i probably should you know like i'm like i have to spend it like this well there's some reality in that right i mean that's that's that. I mean, that's, that's, that's not completely false. That's true. It's just whether it can be managed differently. Yeah. So, so, and then sex, you now are in a monogamous relationship, right? Yeah.

And boy, let me be, you know, I've not checked in with you. Are you, are you cool with this conversation? Is this all stuff? Cause I think, I hope, first of all, I hope people empathize with you on one hand. And secondly, I hope you also help other people because these are common conditions. So this is a little conversation. I'm super open. Yeah, of course. I mean, I just know everyone's like, no matter what I say, they're like pathological, like everyone just thinks I lie about everything. So, I mean, I don't know what to say other than like, I speak my truth

the best I can. And yeah. Where, where is that coming from that they insist you're always lying? I, I, I, again, border with borderline, sometimes reality gets a little murky and you probably do kind of lie sometimes. But why do they insist everything's a lie? I swear I actually have no idea. Even recently, as of recent, everything I say online, because I am so careful to not get sued or say the wrong thing. Like I, I really don't feel I've like lied about anything. There was one video that Ethan made exposing me after frenemies. And the one lie he showed of this whole thing was like, Oh, she said she watched the Adams family. But then on, on our podcast, she said she didn't like, that was the one line. Everyone's like,

she's a couple. That's all I can think of. I mean, maybe the chat will say different, but that's the only thing I can think of that I've like lied about. And I, and our last episode of frenemies, which never aired, I like confronted him about it. I'm like, everyone thinks I'm this liar. Show me a text that I said this, this, and this, and you couldn't find it. And I was just like, that would have redeemed me. And it just never aired. And it just sucks because everyone's like, you're a liar. You're a liar. And I'm just not, I'm just not, I'm a lot of things. Like I'm, I have, I have like a lot of things, but lying is not, I'm really focused on that. When, when you, what would explain an untruth? What happens to

you that might explain you saying something untrue? Lying is a specific thing, right? Lying is willfully deceiving. That's different than speaking an untruth. And I'm guessing that you speak something that maybe is a distortion or God knows what, what would make that happen for you? So again, the one example that he called me out on and showed my screenshot and I'm like, okay, that it was this Adams family thing. He sent me costumes. I'm like, oh my God, love that movie. And then like, you know, two months later we're doing the podcast. I'm like, I don't even know what this character is. Cause that was the truth. And the reason I do this and I do this in real life, like just like with my fiance too, I'll like hype people up. And, and sometimes like, I just like, you know, I'm like, yes, great idea because I'm like, what, you know what I mean? But so in that sense, I don't know why,

I don't know why I do this, but I do it. I, and I do the same thing with my fiance. I'd be like, when we first met, like that furniture you made was so great. It's like wood tables he makes, but I wasn't into it, but I hype him up. You know, I don't know. It's something weird. Is it, is it sort of more on the exaggerating spectrum? Yeah. I mean, exaggeration or I'm very dramatic and I, and I can exaggerate, but I, especially when I'm talking about other people in situations, I really try not to exaggerate when I, especially cause like the stuff I've said, I've always come out to light to be true, but people at the beginning, like, don't bully me. So I definitely like exaggerate. And I do have, as of lately, there's been like hard differentiating reality and delusion.

So when someone tells me I did something and like it didn't happen, like that really messes me up. And like, that's a real big issue for me. That's what I was concerned about. Yeah. I was, I worry about that because, because that's the liability in this condition. So talk more about that. Because I think that's what people are misconstruing as lying, I suspect. But go ahead.

Because lying is willful deception. Willful deception. Speaking untrue or misreporting or not remembering or misremembering. That's a distortion. That's not a lie. So talk about that. Yeah. So that's the thing.

It's like, especially with childhood stuff. So recently I started like a podcast just talking about my mental health. And I always say I'm not a mental health expert, just talking about everything from like childhood to the beginning. Right. But the problem is I blocked out a lot of it. So through my own therapy, going back to that, I'm like kind of remembering bits and pieces. Sorry, someone's calling me. Let me decline that. I remember bits and pieces. Um, but there are parts of my life that feels like it wasn't even me living it. So I'm kind of, sometimes I questioned if that was real. And I also, so it's like, it's almost like I like relive my life, like a movie. And like, I remember things happening, but then I'm like, okay, but did it happen? Like, like,

it's very fuzzy. And it's like, and that's more of when I was like a kid. And obviously as an adult, when I was doing, you know, sporting and doing hooker, being a hooker and stuff like that, like I was like, that's also stuff where I'm like, okay, what, what really happened between the drugs and between me just blocking it out? Like, I'm like, what was real? And you know, you tell yourself stuff so much throughout life and I'm just, so that is true. So when I talk about my own experiences, I do think people like, well, that date doesn't go out with that day. And I was like, maybe, you know, I, and that's why I've just always been really hesitant to talk about things like that because I am just so foggy on a lot of it.

And I don't know what, I know stuff happened. Yeah. People have to understand that this is, this is something we, you and I have not talked about. And again, I hope somebody out there understands, begins to understand how our brains work. One thing you're talking about is memory function, which is affected by trauma and affected by a million things. You're also talking about drugs and alcohol affecting your perceptions. You're talking about sort of delusional things that your borderline process brings in.

You're talking about trying to put things together when you're engaged in highly traumatizing behaviors. Right. I mean, it would be characteristic and expected for like if you were sitting to me in treatment and you started reporting things of all from that period i would just listen i would i would carefully you know frame it for you but i would have no idea whether it actually happened or not it doesn't matter it doesn't matter there's just a lot of stuff that you're experiencing and you have to process. So, so what was that all about? What do you think you've never, have you never really kind of figured out what you were doing then? What part? The, the, you're prostituting or,

I mean, you're just, you, that seems like it was a very out of control time. Yeah, it was, it's funny. Cause it was out of control, but like that part, I remember more so than like my childhood. I really like a childhood feels like none of, I don't even feel like as a child ever teenager. Like that to me is all very much a blur. So it's all, there's a lot of stuff there. Um, with escorting, I remember it a lot more vividly. It's just one of those things where I romanticized it even back then. Like I always thought it was like really fun and like cool. And like, I thought I was like in control of it. Um, so I, with that stuff, I remember pretty clear. I remember things pretty clear with that, even despite being on drugs and stuff like that. So it's just more of like

timelines I'm really foggy with because my early twenties, like teenager of 16 to 20s, I was just, I was doing all that and not know, I don't know what I was doing. I don't know where I was, you know? And what, can you talk about what happened to childhood that was so murky? You know, there was a lot of like, there was a lot of stuff with like older guys that like, I thought was like normal. And I still, I still, I still try and process it. Like, you know, with like the touching of my boobs or talking about my, you know, like hugging and hugging from behind and like stuff like this.

Like, you know, I, and even like fingering, like that kind of stuff, not to get too graphic, but like, you know, stuff that I didn't know was sex. Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, but that like happened, but like, you know, but was it okay? How old were you and how old were the guys? The first memory I have was a summer camp when I was like six years old. And I remember like, six years old. Yeah. And that was like, this is something that like, I, again, I, I, yeah, it's a lot. Cause I don't, I remember it like, again, I remember it, but then it's like, I don't remember like leading up to it because this was like a summer camp and, you know,

I just remember like all the details, but I don't remember, you know, my going to my therapist, like, is it penetration? Is it just, you know, my going to my therapist, like, is it penetration? Is it just, you know, outside stuff? Like I just, it's all so foggy to me. Like it doesn't, that part of the feel. And I don't know, it's just, there's a lot, there's a lot that I've never talked about even to like my therapist. And it's like, I'm finally talking about it, but it's, it's so hard because I just don't, I don't remember so much of it. And I just like, I just, I don't know. What makes you withhold it? I think just like the fact that I've always denied, like, I'm like, oh, my childhood was good. Cause my parents were, you know, they were busy. My mom was a single mom. I never, sorry, she worked four jobs and my dad would just take me, put me to summer camp in the summer. So

I like, I always don't want my parents because I've talked about this recently and everyone's like, well, your parents should be in jail and all this stuff like that. And I was just like, I just don't want anyone to like get hate about it. And I, you know, it's just a lot to parents do the best they can parents do the best they can. When you blame, if we, if we were to blame your mom for this, for instance, I mean, now we have another victim, your mom. Right. And, and, and no doubt, I don't know if you ever talked to her. Is she still around your mom and dad? They still are. Yeah. So, I mean,'t know if you ever talked to her. Is she still around? Yeah.

Your mom and dad, they still are? Yeah. So, I mean, I bet if you ever talked to her about it, I bet she had her own history of trauma. You know what I mean? Trauma is a way of becoming an intergenerational phenomenon. And no doubt something happened to her. I don't know what, but she carried her own stuff. And it's almost uncanny the way trauma survivors bring trauma into the lives of their kids. It's just weird how that happens, but it does happen. And the parents often go into a little bit of denial about it because it's so shattering to them to think that they allowed

to happen to you what was so horrible for them. It really is difficult. So I sort of admire your attempt to sort of understand your parents' point of view and not blame them. It doesn't make it okay. It's not like okay that that happened. Nothing's okay about this, but we don't have to have another victim in the whole story. Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot. And then, you know, if that happens to you at that age, then you start to act out.

Yeah, and it was one of those things where i remember saying bringing it up one time um at the at the place that it happened and you know it started at a young age i just remember everyone calling me a liar from a young age so at some point you just stop talking about things because you're just like and that's kind of where i'm at even now like i was opened up about it and let me just shut back down again because this i'm just talking about the internet obviously in therapy i'm trying to talk about it but like on the internet i'm like let me just stop talking about this because like it doesn't feel good especially mental illness so many people come to me like oh you don't have on the internet, I'm like, let me just stop talking about this. Cause like, it doesn't feel good, especially mental illness. So many people come to me and like, oh, you don't have this. It's not this. And like with voices,

when I was talking about voices in my head, I'm frenemies, you know, it was shut down with, you know, those are just, um, what's the word intrusive thoughts. And I'm like, no, these aren't, there's, there's people standing in front of me. That's, you know, there's like, there's animals, there's a dog next to me, like it's happening. And so I don't like when people just have like stuff to say, you know, it's just a lot. So I'm guessing, does the antipsychotic help with the auditory hallucinations? Yeah, tremendously. Those, those recently, those were recent for me.

And that's the other thing, you know, people are like, oh, you developed this at 30. I was like, yeah, kind of like, I don't know where these came from. And it would, they're very, they're very vivid and they're more than intrusive thoughts. They're, they're just conversations. They're, they're bells. Irusive thoughts they're they're just conversations they're they're bells i hear that you know i'll hear a door but like there's a lot it's just a lot right now but yeah it's helped i've been on it since um may and that can certainly happen that can happen just i understand you had a schizophrenia diagnosis at one time that that is not what you have but i could see how if you were having these kinds of symptoms, somebody might think that. Well, they put me on medication for, for schizophrenia. I don't know, like if I have

it, but that's what I'm on right now. And it's like this new, it's like, I don't know. No, no, no. You're having psych, you're having, you're having psych, borderline, you should know this about borderline syndrome, but borderline, the name borderline was originally invented by psychoanalysts. It was like during the 50s or before that. What was borderline was they were considering these patients borderline psychotic. And so they were people that were having psychotic symptoms, but were not schizophrenic.

You understand? And so the psychotic symptoms can be helped with the antipsychotics. It's just part of the borderline process. That's so interesting. Because my therapist can't give me medication, so I went to a psychiatrist. And it was just two or three meetings. And they were like, oh, you should be on this medication.

And so it's helped with it. So psychosis is part of borderline? Because I thought it was two different disorders. I thought there was a psychotic disorder a psychotic disorder. No, no, no. It was originally called borderline psychotic. That was the original term. And because there can be, there can be prominent psychotic symptoms, but they don't progress. They don't go anywhere. They're just, you know, part of what, you know, they, and they can come and go much like you're experiencing it. I'm wondering if maybe all your drug use didn't suppress that. And that could be,

because I think I've done drugs my entire life of some sort. So when I became completely sober, which was January, which I was really happy. I just bought a new house. I loved all that when it started happening. And I was like, it was really scary. There's also a lot of overlap between borderline and bipolar.

And I'm guessing you have a lot of bipolar type symptoms or maybe people have wondered, is Trisha bipolar? That kind of thing. Yeah, but I was diagnosed or I was at least given medication for it. I don't know if it was a diagnosis, but I was given lithium and that's when I was like wanting to kill myself. Like that was awful. I don't know what that was. That was really awful for me. Wrong diagnosis, right? You get the right diagnosis and the right treatment. You notice

how DBT worked, right? The right treatment for the right diagnosis makes you better. How do you feel like you're doing now? I do think I'm doing really well. Like, again, that's why I can't read the internet because everyone's like, like, even this week I did a podcast and I just like, I just defended myself and I was like, she's spiraling. And it's just like the internet being psychologists, telling people gaslighting manipulation, spiraling. I was like, I'm not spiraling. I'm actually doing fine. I mean, I did have to like remove myself from watching comments. It's there's a difference between spiraling and then just being angry. And I just get really like defensive and like rageful,

but that's not to me. I'm fine. Like, you know, as soon as I snap out of it, I snap out of it. So let me, um, people are questioning my training for being able to talk to you about these issues. Let's be clear. I am not treating Tricia. I'm exploring her borderline process. I personally treated two or 3000 borderline patients with drug addiction. I spent 30 years working in a psychiatric hospital. Borderline disorder was exceedingly common. I would always, of course, have the psychiatrist and the psychologist render the treatment, but I had to have a very deep understanding of this condition in order to do the work I did treating addicts and alcoholics in an inpatient setting where we dealt with people with multiple, multiple, multiple diagnoses. In fact, one of the things, if you would come to me,

I would have also gotten an EEG for you because sometimes partial complex seizures can figure into this whole syndrome you're having. It could be another diagnosis, but you have some qualities that make me wonder about that. But don't worry about that. What is that? That's up to you. Okay, I was like, should I get it? It's a seizure. Yeah. Don't worry about it. You got enough. You're on right medicine. The antipsychotics, if you really had partial complex seizure, the antipsychotics might make you worse. They're making you better. So that's good. And so, you know, this is all, this is all good. Hey, Drew, can I ask you a question? Yes. What's the diagnosis for people on YouTube that have to just keep putting a million emojis up instead of using words?

I don't know what, maybe Trisha understands what that is. I'm hiding a lot of you guys because you're starting to piss me off. I'm guessing Trisha knows what that is. What is that? What is the emoji? What's the emoji? I erase the ducks. Anytime there's a duck, you're out.

The ducks I'm knocking off because I don't want to hear the word usually. Snakes and clowns. Yeah, snakes. I'm erasing them. I'm hiding your, oh, snakes and clowns. Snakes and clowns. Yeah, snakes. I'm erasing them. I'm hiding your. Oh, now they're going to go wild. But there has to be a diagnosis for that.

Like what personality disorder does that? It's scary. No, honestly, like the amount of hate from the snakes and the clowns. Like those people are like scary because they get so like they got so angry because I went on a podcast like that didn't even air yet. And then the podcast aired yesterday and then kind of like silence. Well, I mean, I didn't check the comments, so maybe it's not silence, but there's lots of hearts too though. Okay. You're getting hearts too.

I mean, I'm keeping those. So let's, so we've sort of explored a bit. I mean, I could go on, you know, cause, cause I think it's, I'm trying to sort of open up your disorder. So people are going to understand it because people recoil from serious mental illness or they think it's a bad person or some kind of, it's your personhood that's at issue when in fact this is a psychiatric syndrome. And so that's why I think it's great that you're willing to talk about it. You also have people that love you up here too. And that's kind of

what I want to talk about. What do you think that is? Why do you attract such strong feelings from people? Why do you suspect that? I don't, I really don't know. Like I really, I really feel like I'm self-aware and I really try to reflect. So that one is the most complicated answer for me. Like I don't, and maybe everyone's like, wow, she's always the victim. She can't say anything right. I don't know what it is, but I literally can't see why so much hatred, because I feel like, especially like as of recent, I feel like I've been laying low and relatively like normal. I don't, I'm not sure. I don't know.

And it's, that's hard because I don't want to be that person. Is it some of the things you've done? Is it old YouTube stuff that they're reacting to that they saw and just have decided, you know, I'm angry or whatever. You know what I mean? Is it old stuff they're responding to? No, this is all new because when I did frenemies, everyone was like, we love Tricia. In a matter of like 24 hours, it became snake, clown, all this stuff like that. So I don't, I really didn't change in 24 hours. I'm not really sure. So now I have to dress up. So Bob Barker has asked me, what is my medical

license? I went to Amherst College, got a biology degree. I went to USC School of Medicine. Then I got an internal medicine training at the SC facilities. Then I did a chief residency. Then I became director of medicine in the psychiatric hospital. I worked there for 30 years. Then I became chief of service for the Department of Chemical Dependency. I'm board certified in internal medicine, board certified in addiction medicine.

I'm an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and internal medicine. I have taught in both settings over many years, 30 years as the director of a program in an acute psychiatric setting. I know what I'm talking about. So it's fine. I don't treat it because I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know what it is. I know what I'm talking about. I know how to treat it. So there you go.

Thank you, Susan. Why are people so, again, I don't, why do, that was cool. Why do people, why are people so like that? I don't understand, like Dr. I don't know, but, but I don't know, but I get stuff like that all the time. So, and I'll have to repeat it before we're done. Trust me. Um, but Susan, I think Susan is for the first time, this is your first experience with Fisher, right? Yeah. I, I mean, I think I heard when you were on the show, that's the only show I listened to because it's not really my genre. The Frenemies. Yeah. And I understand that there's something going on, but you have to explain it to me. But what I'm asking you, can you shed any light for either Tricia or myself on why people might react so

strangely to her? Do you have any instinct on that? If I was your mother, I'd say they're jealous. That's what my mom says. You need to have some good comebacks. That's it. But she gets really like the volume of stuff that she get is uncanny. It's really uncanny. It's crazy. She's like a rock star. It's crazy. But it's all this weird, yes, no, love, hate. And what's interesting to me, let me tell you what's interesting about it, is that part of the borderline process is that all good, all bad. I'm sure you're aware that you do that, right? Somebody's either all good or all bad. And strangely, it's almost like you've projected that out into the world.

Like that's what you've created in your fan base. You're either all good or all bad. So am I right about this? Yeah. Susan, what are you saying there? Totally. I see you making a choice gestures. No, I, listen, I feel for her. It's kind of weird. I mean, I don't know how I would handle it if I was her. Uh, are you asking me to keep my hands down? Is that what you're asking me? No, you're, you're leaning into your mic. Okay. She was making like weird gestures and I couldn't, I know. Sorry. I'm the sound tech, but don't ask me these questions. I don't know. I'm just batting off trolls on YouTube. But it seems like a lot of the,

a lot of the weird reactions are from women. And I'm wondering if you as a woman can help me with that. Cause I don't get it fully. I don't, I, I, well, I mean, you take a lot of grief too. I mean, you get a lot of attacks, but this is, this is kind of a different, this is a different world. I, this is not in my scope of reference. Caleb, Caleb caleb was youtube star back when you were getting going caleb i told caleb he needed to chime in can you shed any light on this for me um there yes they're all just a bunch of jealous haters that's that's literally what it is whatever trisha's right so like i have to to be honest it's like i've been on youtube for almost 14 15 years and you've been on there since the very, very early days.

Right now, just because my face is on the screen, I'm probably getting buckets of hate mail and people are attacking me. My accounts are probably getting hacked and all of that. I'm very familiar with your history. I think people don't understand that there's a line there. Part of it is your real life, And another part of it is the life, the segment of your life that you're putting out for people to see. And there are differences there. And it's people just like to jump to conclusions.

Is it this thing, Caleb, is it this thing that people do that they treat people in the public eye? And I've noticed this in television, but I'm wondering if it's even worse in YouTube. They treat you like you're a cartoon character. Is that what this is? Yeah, that's kind of what it is. They have an imagination of what Trisha is. Trisha is, it's a cartoon character, exactly what you're saying. She's a character in their minds.

And they only know this little slice, but they think because they see this little part there, they think that's what represents the other 90%. But it's really just this 10%. It's this part of it. And people are so quick to judge. They just want to judge and they just want to hate and they don't actually go and actually watch the stuff. They want to see bits and pieces and clips. And yeah, you can take anything out of context and line them up. But Caleb, how about the fact that here's Tricia being very, I think, courageous and I think being exemplary in terms of helping other people with serious mental illness. You're normally either talking to people who are in mental illness and

denying it or who are fully recovered and want to talk to you about their journey. Trish is this rare person that is telling you during her journey what's happening to her. That's kind of an opportunity, I think, to learn and hear about it. And I think that's something to be applauded. Am I wrong? People would much, much rather focus on that one time that Britney Spears was shaving her head as opposed to all the other times in her life. They want to focus on the bad moments, the worst possible pieces that you can clip out. It's like, look, Tricia, the way that you are now, it's like you're calm, you're composed,

you're talking about your mental're composed you're talking about your mental illness you're talking about your struggles and you're being very open with it whereas most people myself included i wouldn't feel even comfortable coming on to a screen and telling people about things that i've struggled with so that's very it strikes me as very brave and the fact that people can't see that is is uh it's just a bit disappointing like i understand i understand because it's like people and just a bit disappointing like i understand i understand because it's like people and by the way the same people that are out there people out there hating are the people we got to reduce stigma of mental illness reduce stigma let's call it special things

let's call she has a special reindeer disorder you know they want to do everything except actually be compassionate except actually learn about the conditions. That's disgusting. It's disgusting. All of you. Disgusting. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's disgusting. I agree.

So I get lots of phone calls today. Ah, Trisha said, thanks, Caleb. I know what the clubhouse is thinking. Well, I got the clue. There's almost no hands up. Everyone's just listening. There's like 5,000 people on a rumble right now listening. And have they, I've been able to see the rum see the because YouTube is just a shit show of emojis, but, um, yeah, it's just funny. I,

our fans are like texting me going, what the hell's going on over there? I'm going to, Hey, Dylan F you. I'm going to keep whining about the emojis. Okay. Go F yourself. Okay. Anyways, go back to your job. Ladies and gentlemen, my wife. But so I want to, so, so, so I don't know if you know this. I told you this once. I remember because it really, it's, it, it stayed, it impressed you, but I don't know if it stayed with you.

And that is that people with borderline process, and we're going to take a break in a couple of minutes, by the way, I want to warn you about that. We're taking a little commercial break, but, but we have, um, you, you have something, you use something called projective identification, which is you will put your feelings into other people and then manipulate them. I don't know if that sounds familiar to you. You'll, you'll like accuse the other person of having an emotion or actually feel an emotion coming from another person that is actually something in you you don't like. And you sort of see it in the other person or put it in the other person. Does that sound familiar? I've heard that. I've heard that I do that. And I can't recognize that. But like, I mean,

I obviously heard that from a lot of people. Yeah. Okay. So what that is, is when somebody is in the room with you, they'll feel something unpleasant. And if they're, if they're attuned to themselves, they'll feel like that unpleasant feeling isn't a part of themselves. Like, where did that come from? It came from Tricia. That's part of borderline disorder is that you can do that. Yeah. And again, I, that's what I think is happening with you in the world. Like you're projecting a part of yourself into the world and they're all responding to it with this split, this good, bad split. Wow.

That's interesting. So how do I, cause I, the last frenemies was literally that he was like, you're getting angry. I'm like, I'm not angry. And then I started getting angry. Cause he's like, you're angry and that's okay. And I'm like, but I'm not angry. So then everyone was like, he's like, you're gaslighting me.

So then it becomes like, but how do I stop it? Like, I really, I don't, I really didn't feel angry in the moment. And then I got angry and then I was like, well, what the hell? Like, how do I, how do I not do that then? I don't know. I don't want to be that person. Yeah. Yeah. It was either him projecting anger onto you or him experiencing your anger that you hadn't felt yet. Isn't that interesting? I had not felt that crazy. I swear on my life. Yeah. Cause I was like, I'm just having a'm just having a conversation. And then by the end of it, I was, you know, that's the weird thing about that is the uncanny. If you do a borderline a lot, you would understand this as a, somebody on the other side, it's an uncanny quality. It's, it's, it's, it's kind of,

you know, if you ever walk in a room with a baby that needs something, it's kind of what they do to you, right? A baby will cry and scream and it'll inject something into you. You're like, I got to, I got to solve that. I got to fix it. It's not, you know, you feel uncomfortable and it's, it's something similar to that, this whole process. So how do I stop? How do I stop injecting it? You work on your, you do your DBT, you do your DBT. It settles, it settles. It's something something that just kind of kind of the borderline stuff you never really get rid of it but that's just you that's going to be who you are and but the but the intensity can really dramatically go down it can go down a lot and it doesn't have to bother you or be a symptom that is problem at what what what i mean now i'm like you want to go away

no yeah because like i obviously understand that i'm a problem in so many ways but i'm like, no, I know. Yeah. Cause like, I obviously understand that I'm a problem in so many ways, but I'm like, what am I doing? Like, I really, and I really try to see hard so I can like stop doing this, but I, it's just, I keep doing it. And I'm just like, it's really scary. I don't know. I don't even know. That's right.

You don't even know you're doing it. Just do the DBT. I'm serious. Yeah. It's designed to help with that. Okay. Cause like, like, like think about what you would do right now with dbt to help you with that thing that you can't see is happening yeah right which right but not seeing but not recognizing it i think is like because they always say like assess like the

little like you know resting you know like assessing the situation and i'm just like i sometimes i can't even see it because i have this is the book i use it's actually right here it's like this is the book i use and like i've right here. It's like, this is the book I use. And like, I've been going through it again. So I just, but for me, it's like, if I don't see, if I don't recognize something, how am I supposed to? Yeah, but I think part of the assessment is assessing what's going on in other people, right? Right? You kind of assess what the other person's experiencing.

That's the part that's going to help you. Because that's what starts to break down in borderline. You can lose track of what other people are experiencing. And that's the part you got going to help you because that's what starts to break down in borderline. You can lose track of what other people are experiencing and that's the part you got to keep your eye on. Okay. Makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I think you're going to be a lot better. I don't think you have to worry about yourself. I really don't. But there's a lot to do, right? There's a lot of stuff and you're taking it very seriously. You should be proud of yourself. I understand at one point you thought you might have dissociative identity disorder. Do you do a lot of dissociating?

Yeah. Yeah. I call it blacking out, but I black out. Again, not recently. So I don't know. Maybe it's the drug you stop. I don't know. Maybe there's something that helped it, but not recently.

But yeah, all the time I would just remember or not remember what I said, so yeah. And is that usually in a rage or just can happen randomly? Yeah, no, always in a rage. And well, sometimes like TV appearances, whenever I do TV shows, I wouldn't remember what happened and stuff.

I'm like, oh, I didn't even see like, I can't even watch myself on like TV, but yeah. Yeah, I think a lot of people are sort of outside themselves when they perform and stuff, things like that. It's not that uncommon. Yeah. And then the lying is also something you said people used to accuse you of when you were a little kid, right?

Yeah. And I'm wondering if whatever caused that, again, that's kicked up when you were a child. And I'm wondering if that's what's now happening in your audience as well. Whatever that was that had people accusing you of lying is now still being reflected in your audience. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, it's definitely like all like coming back to all of that because I'm like, oh my, because it's, it's, it's a really, what do I do? Like, just stop talking, which I can't do. Cause this is my livelihood and telling my stories or like, I don't know. And it's like, once people take that away from you, then you're kind of like, I have nothing. Cause that's all I had was my stories, which are,

you know, true to what I remember and stuff. So, and as a kid, I, I, I think I started developing like lying, intentional lying because people just didn't believe me anyway. So I started developing like lying, intentional lying, because people just didn't believe me anyway. So I would just like make up stuff. So I think I did as a child lie a lot. And then it got me into like really serious trouble as like a teenager. And so I was just like, okay, I need to not do that. But I was very conscious and aware of that lying where I was like, okay, it's kind of like in What About Bob? He's like, if you fake having a heart attack, you're not actually having a heart attack. So I feel like I was doing that a lot as like a kid. I was like, if ever, if I'm just lying about things, saying I have a boyfriend in school, when in reality, you know, you're having sex with your teacher or something, you know not actually having a heart attack. So I feel like I was doing that a lot as like a kid. I was like, if ever, if I'm just lying about things saying I have a boyfriend in school,

when in reality, you know, you're having sex with your teacher or something, you know, it's like, it's, it's like a lie, but it's almost like a protective lie and your control of the lie. I don't know. And I'm like, it's like, of course I'm lying. You know, I, you know, yeah. Do you, do you still do some of that? Do you have trouble finding reality or just is lying something you try not to do diligently? No, I,, I really, like ever since I was like 18, I focused really hard on like not saying something that's not true because like I, there are serious things that have happened to me.

And whenever I like talk about it, I want my credibility to be there, including stuff online and with influencers. Like I take pride in not misspeaking about anyone. I think that's like really dangerous. So I really like take my time to like say the actual truth and not like a distorted, not exaggeration.

Sometimes it gets exaggerated, but not on purpose. But it's really, I really am like, I stick to my word. You know, there's like a lawsuit going on now with somebody else. And I'm like, I know exactly what I saw that night. And I don't want my, and like people like David Dobrik have told lawyers like, well, Trisha's crazy. She's this, she's that. She went to a mental hospital. So they try to discredit me.

But so far, everything I've said about everybody, it lines up the truth always comes out so i really hold on to that like credibility the you know by not lying and yet you and it comes out but you you yeah yeah and yet you do say you have times where you do distort you're not quite sure what happened that does happen it does but what with people other people on the internet world i don't i don't talk about things because there are a lot of things that i've not talked about in regards to david and jason and all other people influence i've had i just don't remember the details but if i'm clear as day because with jason i was sober because he had kids so i wasn't i maybe drank here and there but i was not using like i i remember things clear as day so i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna go back

on those because i do have trouble but if it, but if it's something like I remember, remember for truth, I say it. And there's a lot of, I'm just looking at, you know, their comments here, which is going by so quickly. I can barely keep up with it, but they keep, they're talking about toxicity that Trisha is toxic. What are they, what are they talking about? What, what, what it makes them say that? Um, I guess just the outside, right? I mean, I, and, and maybe again, I'm not

saying I'm not toxic. I mean, I very well could be, and I've never been one of someone wants to end a friendship with me to be like, no, you need me in your life. Like if I'm toxic, like cut me out, you know, it's, but again, it's hard for me to see this right now. Like the, I'm like, how I don't, I take ownership and being toxic, but it's also like, you know, it's sometimes a two way street with, you know, relationships being toxic. So I guess just because I'm. I don't know, I guess because of my rages, maybe, you know, because I can get really angry and I can snap, you know, I guess that makes me toxic. I don't know. Got it.

Got it. Who's Bob Barker? I don't know. I addressed him a couple of times. And who lives in the basement? And who's the snake in the basement? Okay. I'm just trying to make sense of all this. Do you know what that is, Tricia? I don't know. I have no idea. I mean, I don't know. Where do these people come from? This is such a new audience. I'm actually intrigued.

She thought ours was bad. She thought we had trouble. The snake. Mine's the worst. Let's take a little breather. And he keeps saying you're not a psychiatrist. Yes, he's not a psychiatrist, but he is a medical doctor. I am an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the USC School of Medicine. Did that for 15 years.

Treated a, ran a program in a psychiatric hospital for nearly 30 years, not a psychiatrist, but did work with psychiatric patients for decades. And so have some knowledge, had to have a huge knowledge base in order to be able to do that professionally, but did not render treatment, but understand these disorders very deeply. Yeah. And he's a caring person. He's not trying to exploit her or make her feel bad. So, you know, we're just trying to have a healthy conversation.

We're going to take a little breather. And then, Trisha, maybe we get back with anything you want to talk about. We'll sort of get into that. I think I've talked about most. Oh, I want to get a little more of the sex addiction because because you kind of have to do something with that. We'll talk about it. OK, we'll take a break. All right, guys, we are back with Tricia Paytas. Thanks for the super chats on YouTube. Tricia, anything you want to get into today? I think I've left out. Um, I think you covered a lot of it. Um, I think the biggest thing I have is like when people at, like, I don't know how to talk about what I'm going with, like with mental illness without

sounding like a victim. Cause that's the big thing is everyone's like, well, it's, they're using it as excuse. Like even when we did our thing, like you're excusing just bad behavior. What's the, like, you know what I mean? How do I like differentiate? Like when I'm apologizing for bad behavior and when I'm talking about mental illness? Right. It is so-called, let's just use their terminology, bad behavior is associated with mental illness. It's part of the manifestation of these conditions. And forget my assessment of your diagnosis. You have at least two professionals that have given you the borderline diagnosis and treatments, and it has worked. And so that's one of the ways of making

a diagnosis is being provisional, applying the treatment. If the treatment works, that confirms your diagnosis. So let's be clear about this. This is not something you're making up. Now, what's interesting to me is, Susan, you're telling me you had some questions or you got confused. Tell me about this, Susan. Me? Yeah. Oh, no. I find it fascinating that you can talk about mental health issues. But see, it's very confusing because I know borderline personalities are people that you kind of get this feeling when you're around them. Sometimes. And I'm kind of getting that feeling.

And I don't know whether it's just getting pissed off at the fans or if it's coming from Tricia, but borderlines also attract sociopaths. Well, that's another thing you have to watch out for is that in our treatment program, I told you this before, is that in treatment programs, the borderlines and the sociopaths would always hook up. And we don't really know why that happens, but it happens. Oh, you remember that you know this? Yeah, I know this. I've been to three mental hospitals and that was always the case. And it's so scary. I mean, mental hospitals are unfortunately like really awful and toxic. Like every time I went, I like, I'd meet someone, we'd like become friends or hook up or whatever.

And then I was like, I went right back in. Like, you know, you just start, I don't know what it is. There is something like toxic about those places, which I wish they weren't. Cause there's times where I submitted myself looking for help and I did not get it. And these like mental hospitals at 51, 50 people. Well, you're around other people. Let's be clear. Let's be clear. Let's be clear. For you, the utility of

a psychiatric hospital is for very limited intervention on things like mood and suicidality, things like that. Then get you out of there. Getting you, keeping you is only going to cause trouble. You're only going to, it's not going to help you. It's not going to help. Yeah. That's so funny. And right. That's just the way it goes. And so the treatment is more what you're doing now, the DBT and the outpatient stuff. And Susan, you said you had a question about personality disorders. So I thought that was going to be kind of interesting. Well, I just I find it fascinating because you're very open and I'm learning a lot about it. And, you know, not everybody will do what you're doing. That's just fascinating to me. I don't you know, Drew really will do what you're doing. That's just fascinating to me.

I don't, you know, Drew really wanted to interview because he knows that you are very, you come forward with everything that's going on. And I, you know, I think you're doing a podcast about mental health and a lot of people with mental health problems. Right. What's unique is most people with personality issues deny they have it. Right. Or won't deal with it. And so Tricia is dealing with it actively and that's unusual. And she will maybe hope to help other people and break down their denial stuff. But you also- It's like being an addict and talking about your sobriety or when you were an addict, what you used to do.

It's similar, but unfortunately it's not very common. And I believe, Tricia, that we're in a phase right now where histrionic disorders are very common. And we've all become very delusional. And we move from emotion to emotion. And there's all kinds of histrionic stuff going on. Do you see that? Well, so that's interesting. Because when I was in my early 20s, everyone on YouTube was diagnosing me with that. So I didn't even know that was a real thing.

Because everyone's like, you know, in my early twenties, everyone on YouTube was diagnosed with that. So I was like, I didn't even know that was a real thing because everyone's like, you know, you like, you make relationships greater than they are. And like, you know, so I, everyone always like deemed me as that. And I looked it up. I was like, well, it does kind of like match everything, you know, about me, but I didn't know it was like a real disorder. It's a real disorder. It's a personalized disorder.

But it's not associated with the voices and the substance use. And I'm guessing you tried to hurt yourself before the self-harm doesn't go with histrionics so much, right? But it's not associated with the voices and the substance use. And I'm guessing you tried to hurt yourself before. The self-harm doesn't go with histrionics so much, right? You've tried to hurt yourself? Yeah. Well, that was a time when I, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, unintentionally, again, I don't think that was me. Yeah. And let me ask this. And the other thing, it's associated with an uncertain sense of who you are. Is that one of your things? So, yeah, that's my other, I think that when you talk about the disassociative identity disorder, that was maybe where I got that more because like, I've always said this and I don't, I'm not really sure if it's just like, I don't know who I am and that's 33 year old, but just, I never, I've always, and I think I talked about this before with you where I just like cling to like famous people

identities or even the people I'm dating. I just try and like, I just try and become like the people around me. And I, my personality is constantly changing and my obsessions are changing because I don't even know what like I like to do for fun. Like, I don't know until it's like a next phase that comes along. So. Right. So, so that's something you have to be very, very careful of, which is that when you're borderline, you can appear totally different to one person than another. You actually will change your presentation rather dramatically because of the other person, not because of you. You'll change,

you'll just adapt, you'll, you know, whatever the other person sort of accommodates or, or like, I'm guessing you deal with me differently than you dealt with Ethan. Yeah. But is it because you're just, you know, the demeanor is different. Cause I get on the defense with Ethan. I mean, from the beginning, we've always been combative as opposed to like you. I know you're always team Trish as opposed to like, again, it's fine. But like, I know it was to exploit me, right? He wanted me to walk off that set that day. So my attitude is different, which is fine.

I exploit myself. Like I said, that's my like one entertaining quality for the internet. So I was like, fine, that's fine. But it's like, I knew that going into it, that he was always trying to like do another walk off. You know what I mean? So it's a little different as opposed to you. Yeah, I get that.

Yeah, I get that. Now, the other part of this, which I found fascinating, one of the times we talked, you and I mentioned it earlier that you identified your sexual orientation as a gay man and gender. Yeah. Explain that to people. Yeah. Explain that to people. Yeah. Explain that. Well, as of recently, because I never was aware of the term non-binary and I heard it from like Gen Z and TikTok and I

started and I was like, oh, well, that's what I am. So I've always felt masculine. Like I've always had, I've talked about this before, but I always felt like I was in the wrong gender and not even like masculine, more just like in the wrong gender. Like I never felt comfortable being female presenting as like a child teenager until I became, it's kind of like the lying thing until you become over the top of that. I became over the top female presenting. Then it became a character and it became like, you know, my job, like this is, this is this like person you want, you want like big boobs, you want this. Well, yeah, that's what it is. And I'm still that person online. But, but lately, like I have my band that I started, you know, I I'm male presenting in that. And then

in my everyday life, like I really, it's really fluid. It really goes hour by hour sometimes with me where, um, the only person who would know my current like pronouns and gender at the time is my fiance. And sometimes it's he, him, sometimes she, her, but overall I love the general blanket they, them, because I do think that's like something i think it should be applied to everyone to be honest i think it's like really i don't know validating you you would think given today's world at least the millennials would applaud you for that that's sort of what they're always looking for do you get support for this or do you get hate for that too no they think i'm doing it for attention i was like do you think i want to be like a no gender? Like it's way more complicated to be, people make fun of people who are they,

them. And that's like way more complicated. So I, I, I don't want this. Like, I don't want to be confusing my fiance who doesn't even know. Like sometimes he's like, I don't, I don't know, like, am I gay? Because you say you're a, say you're a guy and I don't know. And I'm like, I don't know. So you're, it is confusing. I get it. And, um, very pretty. Well, but what she's doing, what she's describing is something we, we used to call female, female cross-dressing, right? So you're a female biologically and you accentuate your female biological qualities by, like you said, you, you said you're a character for the, for YouTube with extreme female characteristics, but you, but inside you don't quite, you feel more

masculine inside. I feel more masculine. I feel more like respected when I guess you would say I'm like in drag as a guy, like, you know, cause I, I do, I do present male as my like last year, I do male presenting music videos and I feel way more confident. So whether that's because I'm in drag or I'm just dressing up, I'm not really sure. But it's just like, I've always felt uncomfortable with my female body unless I'm exploiting it in some way, whether it's for views, money,

or like, you know, getting people to like me or whatever. And like, other than that, I hate it. When I go out on the day-to-day, I look disgusting. I like try and look as gross as possible. It's on my YouTube channel. I'm always, you know, I don't like attention when I don't want attention, you know, as a female. Do you think that, that exploitativeness is something people are reacting to that, that

upsets them that you exploit yourself or something? Yeah. Because you know what, when I did set a boundary earlier this year, I was like, and it was fine because it wasn't a boundary I set before, but talking about my sexual assault, I've always kind of joked about it and made light about it with people, not just Ethan, but David, a lot of people, because I thought it was funny and that's how I dealt with it. And then a month ago, I said, I'm not okay with that. And I'm not okay with people sexualizing me. And then people got pissed because I'm still doing Adam and Eve promos and talking about dildos. And it's like, it's fine if I want to

talk about my sexuality. I don't think it's fine when other people talk about it. And as far as like exploiting it or making light of it, like, I don't, I don't like that. Like if people want to ask me about it, I'm very open about it, but I don't like when it becomes like a joke or, you know, they're telling my mom about it and stuff. Cause I think that's crossing the, but people who don't want to see it. Cause like, well, you do it. Look at you, you're doing only fans still you're showing you're selling your body. So like, as if that's like, and that's like, what. So that's what's so frustrating to me is I can't get it across. I don't want to be sexualized by other people. But if I do it to myself, it's a different thing. It's a different thing altogether because at least I'm in control of it. And so back over to the sexual addiction,

is that still something you're struggling with? And have you done anything? You've been to SLA or any of those meetings, any of that stuff? I haven't recently when I was like 28 was like the last time I went, I did go to SLA and those are kind of the same thing as like mental hospitals. You're kind of just like with other people that are like you. And it's just like not really the greatest in my experience. I've just, I just got more sex out of there. Like that's where people go to hook up in my, in my experience. Oh, and I've been to like different locations, not just not just la orange county san francisco like i've been to

different ones and like it's that they just all want to that's not good that's not good that's like doing drugs with somebody it's a very serious transgression uh have you ever tried essay that's a little more stringent yeah i. I don't think so. No, I know. It was just those like group classes that you can look, look up online and anyone can go with like one of those things that I want to. You probably, you might try essay sometime. Are you, are you, is that settled down now?

Are you okay with those behaviors? Um, as far as like, I don't need to be promiscuous, like, you know, so that's that I, I have, I mean, I do get a little, um, ornery for like not having sex like a bunch, but I've gotten better at that. I'm not, you know, I said like throw fits. Now I'm not throwing fits when we don't have sex like four times a day. You know, I've been able to manage it, you know, pretty good. And it's not affecting the relationship.

You're able to stay because, because the, you know, as you know, I think the big struggle in borderline is having stable relationships. Right. And so sex addiction can definitely get in the way of a stable relationship, but, but that's not happening right now. No, it's not happening right now. Um, like I said, him coming to therapy with me has like helped a lot because I've, I've been able to like, at least understand things better. And like, it's, it's just, it's an addiction. It is something, but obviously I do only fans. So it's like, I mean, masturbation, all that stuff like that. I can do like six times a day and like make money off of it. And so in that way, I'm kind of getting that brush, that fix of

like, you know, I'm doing this live, I'm doing it on my only fans, whatever. And it's balanced out, I guess, for the most part in real life. Would you ever let, let's say, you know, let's say your therapist said, Hey, you know what? And if we're going to continue to get really healed, get whole again, that only fans behavior may have to go. Would you be willing to let it go? Yeah. And I think, I think it started when I got engaged because I stopped doing stuff with other people, guys and girls and stuff.

So I think that was the first step because I was like, okay, it's kind of like when you quit something cold turkey, it was kind of like that. I was like, okay, it's kind of like when you quit something cold Turkey, it was kind of like that. I was like, okay, this needs to stop. And I think I'm still getting that gratification from doing it on only fans. And I think like, right. You're still chip. You're still chipping.

You're still just like, it's like, well, I stopped heroin, but I'm still taking my bike. And I'm once in a while, but I look at it more of like, you know, going on like methadone or something, you know, like just kind of stepping down off something. I understand. I get it. I get what you're saying. And that may be true, but it tends not to stay good. You know what I mean? Because like it becomes more like chipping a little bit and that it kind of. Well, as of today. Come back. Yeah.

As of today, I think Only um only fans i think they're not allowing porn anymore i just heard that like 20 minutes before we got here so i don't know maybe they'll they'll like force me to stop which might be for the better honestly because you know i started doing live on there and and my fiance was like i that sounds a little too personal he was fine with it he goes but it sounds like you're getting a little too personal with these people if they're like tipping you for doing stuff online i was like yeah maybe so maybe them pulling that plug might be what i need because it's hard for me to do it myself. I think, I think I just, I, you know, I'm not treating you or anything, but I think so. It's

the simpler, the more, less evocative, more contained, all that stuff, the better. And I agree. You know, how often do you go to therapy? Right now it's twice a week because it's just been a lot. So I do group therapy and then I do individual therapy. So it's one-on-one. Is it a group DBT therapy or just group therapy general? Yeah, I do DBT. And then I was doing cognitive group therapy, CGT or something.

Like I was doing that, but I don't do that. I was going three times a week, but I was doing that too. Watch the group. It'll be really interesting because the group is such a microcosm of you in the world. You know what I mean? And see what you evoke in other people in the room. And it's a controlled environment

where they can feed back to you and you can just take it in, see what they say, you know? You know what's kind of hard? And this is going to sound so stupid, but like I started a new one because we recently moved. So I had to find one closer to me. And it's kind of hard because like, there's people in the class that like know who I am or watch me. And it's just kind of hard because I don't feel like I can be completely like, I don't really share as much as I like I used to. So like, that's always hard to me. Then you should say that you should make, make sure you say that in group. Cause, cause that's,

that's your work. Yeah. I just, it feels like, and then I got to find something, but it's so hard to find those classes right now. Like they're just so hard to find. So I'm just like, especially where I'm at.

I'm not saying leave the group. I'm not, I'm not saying leave the group. I would say put, put into the group. I'm having trouble because I feel like people know me here. I feel whatever it is. Put,

put it in. I don't. is. Put it in. It sounds so iffy though. I don't. Yeah. Why? You know, I don't know. You don't want to be that person. It's like not talk to me about being famous.

Like, it's just so weird. I don't, I feel so uncomfortable. Like, I don't know. Well, it's not about, it's not about being famous. It's about being vulnerable and feeling exposed. Right? Yeah. But I don't want to seem like I'm better than anyone.

Like why I can't, you know, I don't know. I don't, I, cause that's not how I feel. I don't want anyone to think I'm getting, I should be special in that group. Like, I don't know. Yeah. I get that. And how's your self-esteem low high, which end of the self-esteem spectrum are you on? I'm kind of in the middle right now. Middle. Yeah. If I were leading the group, I would want to know what the barriers are to you being fully engaged. That's all. I would feel like that would be an important part of you being in the group, just saying, you know, I'm uncomfortable for X or I'm worrying about X, you know, and see if that, you know,

see if the group can support you and, you know, make you feel better about it. Yeah. Cause I think they're all cool. And I actually like that people that are my like followers that kind of go through the same thing I do. So in a way, I mean, it's, I guess it's kind of comforting. I just, I get nervous right now because everyone's judging and they just will, you know, whatever. Well, Tricia, um, I I'm'm gonna let you go susan any other questions from your standpoint um a lot of people are bringing up the the spousal abuse situation oh they want to know about what happened moses in one of your rages want to talk about that yeah we can um we talked about this go ahead i mean i've never shied away from this We talked about this on obviously when you were in front of me's but the first time it was brought public was you know

Ethan on the first episode ever in front of me's and we're like don't put that in and it was in So then I got out there and you know that that sucks But obviously me doing it sucks a lot worse and it's just like something that I get all the time now No matter what I do. I am the physical abuser. Moses. Everyone says free Moses He's being held hostage. Like she's an abuser for, so it's always on me. And that is, that's the hardest thing. That is the hardest thing.

And to get, obviously to get past in a relationship was really hard for us. But now that we're past it, it's just hard to hear all the time. Considering like, I've worked so hard to like get past that point. And, um, and it sucks. Like I, I always say that it always sucks that I did that. Like I, and it sucks that that's my forever relationship is that it started off as me being abusive and it's really unfortunate. And, um, yeah.

And again, I'm guessing that was another blackout rage, right? Completely. I don't even remember it and it just really sucks. Yeah. And, and what we do with those situations is treated, you get treatment, which, and if the person's actively engaging in their treatment, you can expect things to get better potentially. So we'll see. Hopefully they're treating all these different things that predispose to those rages. If the rages don't happen, this will not happen again. Yeah, and it was an isolated incident. Yeah, I have a quick question here so i something that i'm noticing here is that a lot of people are attacking drew in the chats because he's not

confronting you about these very specific low moments in your past that people they constantly constantly want to bring these up all the time they're just repeating it hundreds of times in the chat boxes on all the platforms and it's made me very aware of just how the Trisha that I'm seeing here is a completely different Trisha than I've seen on most other shows that I've seen you on in the past 10 years now. And so you're just being open and honest and just so forthcoming, especially about your mental illness. And it makes me wonder if, do you think that a lot of people that create these shows and this content are just putting you in in very stressful situations just to corner you and to trigger a dramatic reaction and then exploit basically exploit your mental illness that you've been

honest about exploit that for views and then do you think i'm gonna into your character before you trisha before trish answers that i'm gonna say it's not as simple as that. It's not that simple. But go ahead, Trish. I hear your point of view. I would say it's very that. I feel like they know that this episode, the show front of me is obviously is about us not getting along with each other. And then as soon as we don't get along with each other, then it's like, oh, where did

this come from? Or of the sense like people like the craziness, right? All our popular episodes were, okay, Trish has an outburst and then the show comes back together and that's what it is. So to me, I'm like, this is what people want and expect. And if it, and I don't like it happening, but when it happens,

I'm like, if this is what people want, like this is what they're going to get. You know what I mean? And it's still, I still had that mentality up until like a month ago, just being like, okay, if they want to see crazy, like this is what they're going to get

because it will come out of me. And I think every single person, every group I've been with, Shane Dawson, David Dobrik, Ethan and his crew, like they're going to get because it will come out of me. And I think every single person, every group I've been with, Shane Dawson, David Dobrik, Ethan and his crew, like they're all these guys that are like, oh, my God, you're just so crazy. Like, what the fuck? She says this crazy stuff, her crazy life, like candles up her ass, all this stuff. And then as soon as I get triggered by it, it's like, oh, too much.

Oh, like she's just a bad person. She's just like mental. It's like all of a sudden it's like, you know, it's like's too much they're like disengage disengage it's weird i don't know right yeah then they abandon yeah so exactly yeah yeah so i think it's i think she's saying something very accurate which is that she she's part part of it is you trisha you lean into it you participate with it so it's not trickly exploitation except in the sense and you've used these words today, that you exploit yourself. And that's something you're going to have to really think about.

That's not going to be good for your mental health long-term. That's not going to be okay, right? So that's something you've got to work on. You've got to think about. But going into these environments where that's expected of you, you lean into it. People have to understand that's what they've set up. I don't understand why they, I guess, I guess it's because people, you know, they really, they don't understand mental illness. They don't really understand it. And I, that's why we're here talking today. I'm hoping that we, you know, open the hood a little bit and look at what's underneath and how these things work. And this is just, this is just one condition. There's borderline stuff. And maybe some substance use. But there's so many other conditions

that people need to understand and that they recoil from people that have these things as though they're bad people or dangerous people or what. It's just, no, no, this is tough. Susan, you asked me during the break what personality disorders you have.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do you imagine? Like nobody's perfect. What do you imagine? What do you, what do you, what do you imagine? Nobody's perfect. What do you imagine? What do you imagine you have? Um, I don't know. I had a little borderline personality when I was younger, like before I met you. So borderline traits, but yeah, before, but I, well, obviously I love alcohol, so there's that, but, um, but I don't know. I'm, I know I'm not narcissistic like you. I'm not. Borderline is a narcissistic disorder. I don't know, but you know what? I'm,

I'm an old woman. Like I was just thinking to myself, you guys are codependents, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. He's, that's me. Yeah. No, I, I, I have, I had terrible, like problematic codependency and that got better during my treatment. He made me a better person. I'm clearly like older, you're young, you, you have time to change and you can actually make a change for your life. But you also have to be in the right environment. And, you know, being a YouTube star is a very daunting thing. Like here you are, this big celebrity, but now you don't know how to handle it. It's not like the old fashioned, you know, TV or radio or, or movie stars where they, you know, we, you've sort of become famous and then you have to deal with

the outcome of that with these, with the fans and stuff. And you're not protected by a, you know, a movie studio or, and you don't have, you know, I don't know. It's just a weird thing. It's a weird phenomenon to be in. And I'm, I can see how that would cause you to, you know, maybe drink more. But your point is well taken that not a lot, but many movie stars of long ago had the same condition. True. And they were protected by publicists and movie studios and things like that. And it never really was out to the world. Now, part of being in the media is being transparent, being who you are. And Trisha's

kind of taking that to the next level, I think, is that by, you know, talking about her treatment. How old are you, Trisha? Like. I'm 33. Okay. So like I'm twice your age. So I had plenty of time to get my act together, you know, from the time I was in my mid twenties until now. And you, and you can change. And Drew is amazing. He's great at pinpointing these things and giving you sound advice. So definitely listen to him. I would probably be dead by now if I hadn't met the guy. I appreciate it so much. Like even from front of me is like that really, I think that honesty is what turned people's perception of me around.

Cause I was so hated like at the beginning of front of me too. And I was so hated. And obviously now I'm back to the beginning of a bad reputation, Trish. But I mean that those two episodes we did were monumental because people were like, Oh, like this makes sense.

You know? Cause it was like something that like people could explain. So like, I really appreciated coming on there. And at least cause I, some of the stuff I didn't even know either. I was like, Whoa,

what? So I, even today, like all this stuff about like projecting and stuff. Like I just, I don appreciated you coming on there. And at least, because some of the stuff I didn't even know either. I was like, whoa, what? So even today, like all the stuff about like projecting and stuff, like I just, I don't know this stuff. So I always appreciate you. Good. No, I'm happy to talk about it. And I appreciate you being willing to talk about it. And I'm glad to hear that people learn something.

That's the goal of us having these conversations. Otherwise, what are we doing? You know what I mean? It's like, then it's re-exploiting you, which is exactly what we're trying to kind of address. Yeah. I don't, yeah. Yeah. And so good. Caleb, any last questions? And it's like sobriety. You have to, it's one day at a time. Yeah. You got to stay, it's exactly right. These are all, it's brain wiring, right? And so these are chronic, situations that change very slowly over time. And, and it is most, most of our stuff comes

out interpersonally. That's most or most psychiatric or psychological stuff emerges is in the context of other people. And so that's where you sit. But we all go past, you know, we have, some of us have made worse mistakes than others, but we all get through it and we can make a change for the better. Do nice things for other people. Caleb, very simple. Caleb, anything on your standpoint? No. Paloma.

Caleb fell asleep with my speech. Paloma, who's saying, hold on a second. Let me straighten people out. Hey, Paloma, what was your training, by the way? So when you're saying that borderline is not narcissist, I'm not saying they're the same disorder. Cluster B are the narcissistic disorders. Amongst them, sociopath, borderline, histrionic, and narcissism. Those are

the narcissistic disorders. In fact, the DSM-5 was going to put narcissism at the core of most personality disorders, but we still use the cluster B as the primary narcissistic disorders. Again, borderline, sociopath, narcissism, and histrion cluster B as the primary narcissistic disorders. Again, borderline sociopath, narcissism and histrionic. Those are all narcissistic disorders. Not that it is the narcissistic personality disorder that is a specific syndrome. That's right. My God, people are so dumb, so dumb.

They can't listen. They can't even listen. All right. So with that, we'll let Tricia go. I'm sorry, Caleb, did you have any last stuff? I think I interrupted you with something. Caleb? No, just, yeah, please come back. This was very entertaining. And I like seeing this side of Tricia being helpful to people. Thank you. Caleb's a huge fan. Yeah, Caleb. I will pay more attention to the background before I, I mean, I don't listen.

I don't, I appreciate, appreciate you as a great guest and, and the good fans out there that have been giving you a lot of heart emojis, but yeah. So thank you. And Drew is so appreciative. She's even doing the split. You have good fans and bad fans. It's all good or bad. You can't make everybody happy.

Okay. 50, 50. That's how this, you know, this world is. All can't make everybody happy, okay? 50-50. That's how this world is. All right. Well, Tricia, good luck with everything. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love to catch up with you again. And if you have new insights, new things you want to talk about, I'd be happy to talk to you about them. Okay? I would love to. Thank you.

All right. Talk soon. Good luck. Ask Dr. Drew is produced by Caleb Nation and Susan Pinsky. As a reminder, the discussions here are not a substitute for medical care, diagnosis, or treatment. This show is intended for educational and informational purposes only. I am a licensed physician, but I am not a replacement for your personal doctor, and I am not practicing medicine here. Always remember that our understanding of medicine and science is constantly evolving. Though my opinion is based on the information that is available to me today,

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